Here is what others are saying about this book:
“Your material in Helping Your Spouse Heal rom Your Aair is absolutely excellent. I have counseled or twenty-ve years and ound it well-done, balanced, and accurate.” —Jim Velez M.S., M.A., L.P.C., Portland, Oregon “Tis is the most succinct collection o wisdom or helping the unaithul that I have seen in my years o helping couples try to pick up the pieces o their shattered lives aer aairs.” —Lance Brown, M.A., Minister o Care and Renewal Chapel Hill Presbyterian Church “I regularly provide copies o How to Help Your Spouse Heal rom Your Aair to Aair to my clients who are acing this challenge. Unanimously they report, report, ‘Tat [book] was ver veryy helpul. helpul.’’ I notice they continue to use it. I believe the expanded version will be even more helpul.” —Earl D. Wilson, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist, Portland, OR. Author o Steering o Steering Clear , and coauthor o Restoring o Restoring the Fallen
“Tis [book] helped keep me rom making destructive mistakes aer my spouse ound out about my aair. It also gave me the courage to be more open and honest, knowing that would help us heal aster.” —Susan (ormer client)
“Shortly aer my wie and amily ound out about my yearlong aair, Linda’s book, How to Help Your Spouse Heal rom Your Aair, came to me like a lieline at the most conusing and shocking time o my lie. I wanted nothing more than to save my marriage, and there had been very little inormation directed toward me to help me do my part. I ound that the book, surprisingly, answered all o the questions that I had. I read it daily or weeks and ollowed it with ull trust and blind aith. “Some o the steps were incredibly dicult to go through, but every time they proved eective. All I can say now is that the path that the book put me on was God’s path or me and the healing hea ling o my spouse. I am orever grateul or the insight that it has given me to climb cli mb out o the darkest days o my lie into the greatest time o our marriage.” —Greg (ormer client)
How to Help Your Spouse Heal rom Your Aair: A compact manual or the unai unaithul thul
Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMF
HEALING COUNSEL PRESS
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful Copyright © 2010 by Linda J. MacDonald All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form, except for brief credited excerpts and reviews, without prior written permission from the author. The names of former clients have been changed to protect their privacy. ISBN 1-45-055332-X Self-Help/Relationships First printing, November 2010 Published by HEALING COUNSEL PRESS
Gig Harbor, WA., U.S.A. FAX: (253) 858-2254 http://www.lindajmacdonald.com The above Web site can be used to order books, contact the author, and contact the publisher. Cover and interior design by Bryan J. Hall Cover photo by Connie Riggio Photography Back cover photo of author by Suzanne Kirsch Edited by Agnes Cunningham Lawless
It is unlove that makes people unwell, and it is love and love alone that can make them well again. —Dr. Karl Menninger
Contents Preace o Te Reader Introduction: Five Options 1. Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it” 2. Te Tree R’s o Successul Rebuilders •
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Closing Toughts 12. But What about My Partner’s Faults? 13. Summary Appendix: Annotated Bibliography Endnotes •
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Te List: 15 Essential Steps or Repair 3. Guidelines or Discovery and Disclosure 4. Stumbling Blocks to Severing ies 5. Undoing the Damage rom Your Lies and Rationalizations 6. How to Change Your Role rom Destroyer to Healer 7. Rebuilding rust 8. Responding to Your Spouse’s riggers 9. Dealing with Your Partner’s Obsessions 10. Making Amends with Your Children 11. Changing Your Core Character •
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9 11 15 19 27 35 41 45 53 61 65 69 73 77 83 85 87 95
Preace
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Preface
Oen persons who seek sexual or romantic solace outside o their marriages later regret it and want to save their original relationships. However, choosing to repair a marriage aer an aair is not or the aint o heart. It is a dicult but rewarding process. I have written this book in an attempt to provide some much needed guidelines or unaithul spouses who wish to have another chance. My hope is that potential Rebuilders will read and reread the ollowing pages so they can apply these suggestions where applicable to their own situations. In my 22 years working with couples trying to heal rom indelity, I have identied certain behaviors on the part o unaithul partners that tend to determine the success or ailure o their eorts to save their marriages, post-aair. Te bad news is that most unaithul partners underestimate the breadth and depth o the allout aer indelity. Tis can lead to grave mistakes as they stumble in their attempts to repair the damage. Between 65 percent and 75 percent o straying spouses ail to save their marriages aer the breach o indelity.1 Te good news is that restoration, while dicult, is possible or those who accept their roles as healers to their wounded spouses and ollow the time-tested advice in this book.
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
While I personally subscribe to a Christian world view, the principles in this book will apply to persons o all aith persuasions. Tereore I have kept most o my occasional spiritual reerences as generic as possible out o respect or the wide range o readers who may be drawn to these pages. I cannot promise your marriage will be restored as a result o reading this book; that is up to you and the willingness o your spouse. However, you are more likely to nd success i you diligently apply the enclosed steps than i you rely on your own haphazard attempts to calm the stormy seas in the wake o an aair. I hope you read each chapter like you would an auto-repair manual, with an open mind, highlighter in hand. Based on my clinical observations, I believe you will discover helpul suggestions on how to bring healing to your broken lie and marriage aer indelity. —Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMF
o the Reader
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To the Reader
Since both men and women engage in aairs and pronouns in one gender or the other may cause the reader to have diculty relating to the text, I have made an eort to be gender neutral whenever possible, even when grammatically incorrect. Denitions: Faithul spouse
Te spouse who did not step outside the marriage or sexual or romantic ulllment. Also reerred to as the hurt spouse, hurt partner, aithul partner, injured spouse, wounded partner, wounded spouse, the betrayed, betrayed spouse, innocent spouse or oended partner . Not to be conused with a perect spouse. Unaithul spouse
Te partner who sought romantic or sexual ulllment outside o the marriage. Also reerred to as the unaithul partner, betrayer, betraying partner, oending spouse, straying spouse, straying partner, oender or strayer . Not to be conused with an unredeemable or inherently evil person.
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
Aair partner
Te other man or other woman who was involved with you outside the marriage. Also reerred to as the aairee, aair partner, paramour, outside person, third party, other person, or lover . Not to be conused with a harmless riend or victim. He or she is equally responsible or the aair that ruptured your marriage, no matter who seduced who rst. Unsuccessul rebuilder
Unaithul partners who wish to save their marriages aer an aair or extramarital involvement(s) but who do not grasp the gravity o the damage they have inficted upon loved ones. Such persons make atal mistakes along the way that increase the harm they’ve already caused and doom their chances or successul reconciliation. Not to be conused with a person who has no desire to salvage his or her marriage. Successul Rebuilder or Rebuilders
Unaithul spouses who are truly repentant and humbly seek to repair the damage they have caused their spouses. Also reerred to more briefy as Rebuilders. Tese are ormerly unaithul partners who willingly accept their roles as healers or their wounded spouses. Tey do not see reconciliation as a right but a privilege that depends upon their own eorts and the good graces o the betrayed. Tey wisely seek counsel on how to avoid potholes that sabotage the potential or reconciliation. Not to be conused with a charming, persuasive person.
o the Reader
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While this book is mostly geared or people who have betrayed their spouses through physical and/or romantic aairs, there are other ways people are unaithul to their spouses, such as: viewing pornography, serial one-night stands, homosexual encounters, visiting prostitutes, voyeurism, or molesting children. Betrayers who seek recovery rom such behaviors need the help o a sex addictions specialist. Te added stigma, shame, or criminal nature o these oenses complicates the potential or marital repair, requiring insights beyond the scope o this book. Yet, I believe that those who have engaged in various orms o sexual addiction can still benet greatly rom the suggestions contained in these pages.
Introduction
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Introduction: Five Options Afer Your Aair
From my observation, unaithul partners have FIVE OPIONS available to them, rom the most damaging to the least: 1. Leave the marriage or the aair partner.
Tis is the worst option o all. I you want to create the most horror and pain to your spouse and children, this is the one to choose. Your spouse will be traumatized or years and may never recover. You will alienate your children, lose respect rom nearly all your riends, and create a living hell or the ones you le behind. Te icy encounters will continue or years to come, and the carnage to your children will reverberate or generations. I call this “Te Mass Murder Option.” Keep in mind that 90 percent o aairs ail beore nuptials, and 75 percent o marriages begun as aairs ail, partly due to their guilt-lled, untrusting oundations. 2 Statistically, this means relationships that begin as aairs only have a 3 percent chance o becoming long-term marriages. 2. Leave the aair partner as well as the marriage.
Tis choice is wrenching or everyone involved. Carnage is still le behind, although there is slightly less torture or
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
loved ones i they don’t have to deal with “the couple rom hell” (you and the aair partner). I call this one “Te Murder Option.” Your spouse will still suer greatly, with losses that eel worse to them than widowhood, and you may never nd “the perect soul mate” you are hoping or. Even i you nd a new person with whom to spend the rest o your lie, it will not re-create the sense o amily you once knew with your original spouse and children. 3. Stay but make no eort to save the marriage.
Tis decision leads to ailure by deault. When betrayers ollow up their aairs with passive inaction, it sends a message to the spouse: “Not only are you not worthy o my loyalty and protection, you are not worth the ground I walk on.” Tis approach tends to lead to a very acrimonious divorce and aermath. It may even orce your spouse to initiate the divorce, when in reality, you were the one to “kill it.” I call this “Te Negligent Homicide Option.” 4. Make a bungled, haphazard eort to save the marriage.
Tis option is usually chosen by a well-intentioned partner who is clueless about the depth o the damage caused by his/ her unaithul behavior. In his or her eorts to calm the hurting partner, the betrayer oen says things like, “You should be over this by now” or, “I said I was sorry!” or, “What else do you want me to do? I can’t take it back.” Te rely-on-my-own judgment approach usually magnies the pain and leads to a more drawn out blood-letting o the marriage until it dies. I call this the “Detain and orture Option.”
Introduction
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5. Make a heart-elt, well-advised eort to save your marriage.
Obtaining expert, outside help dramatically increases your chances o saving and even improving your marriage. Such an investment brings long-term rewards despite the initial diculty o acing and dealing with the harm you’ve caused your spouse. Even i your partner decides not to reconcile, you can look back knowing you made a concerted eort to undo the damage, learn valuable lessons, and reduce some o the allout rom the aair. I call this “Te Character-Building and Possible-Resurrection Option.” I believe the guidelines suggested in this book can spare you some terrible mistakes along the way. While there is no guarantee that your spouse will want to or ought to give you another chance, there are ways to guarantee ailure, as outlined in the rst our options listed above. My goal is to oer you a road map or the h option that will signicantly increase your chances o saving your marriage.
Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it”
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1 Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it”
Te most important quality that an unaithul spouse needs in order to successully regain their oended partner’s trust, is that the betrayer “gets it.” “Getting it” means that straying spouses understand the wrongness o their behaviors and the depth o the pain they have caused their spouses. Rebuilders need to eectively renounce their old behaviors and develop a keen sense o what it must be like to be in their partners’ shoes. Tis rst chapter explores: typical roadblocks to “getting it” examples o high prole people who didn’t “get it,” so you can see what you want to avoid in your own lie underlying attitudes adopted by Successul Rebuilders who manage to repair their marriages When most o us do something wrong and hurtul to others, we are ar more conscious o our own guilt, shame, and pain than o the damage we’ve inficted upon those close to us. It is human nature to be over aware o our own suering and under aware o the suering we have caused others. Most couples who come to my oce or counseling tend to see the relationship problem “blame ratio” as 90 percent the • •
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
partner’s ault and 10 percent their own. I tell such couples, “I each o you work on your 10 percent, your partner will experience it as you working on your 90 percent.” Betrayers oen eel so much guilt and shame over being ound out, they ail to grasp the magnitude o their oenses and the ar-reaching impact o their actions on others. o amily members, it oen appears that straying persons are only sorry or being caught but not sorry or what they’ve done. Common complaints I hear rom betrayed spouses are: “he is clueless;” “she doesn’t get it;” “he is in La-La land;” “she doesn’t understand;” “he’s so deensive;” “she thinks I should be over it by now. Can you believe it?” and “he only eels sorry or himsel and hasn’t a clue about what this has done to me.” Getting the wrongness o their behaviors.
Most betrayers only begin to comprehend the true nature o their behaviors aer they are discovered by the oended. Upon exposure, unaithul persons naturally want to run and hide or minimize their actions. Unlike their ailing counterparts, Successul Rebuilders muster the courage to identiy their hurtul behaviors or what they are: severe violations o their marriages and o their partners’ trust. Tey do not reer to their misbehaviors as mere “riendships,” “harmless dalliances”, or “getting a little on the side.” Tey name these acts or what they are: unaithulness, adultery, indelity, sex addiction, breaking their vows, betrayal, lying, deceitulness, and whatever else
Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it”
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is appropriate. Successul Rebuilders remember that i they ever hope to obtain their hurt spouses’ orgiveness (or, at least help them come to terms with the aair), they must own up to their wrongs. Tey need to name them or what they are and avoid excusing their extra-marital liasons. Tose who minimize their aithless acts only magniy their partners’ agony. Getting the depth o the pain.
Another challenge or strayers is their lack o understanding the depth o the injuries they have inficted on their spouses. Tey requently struggle nding empathy or their oended partners or three main reasons: •
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the ego boost rom eeling wanted by the lover the unair contrast between the aair partner and the wounded spouse the tendency to be emotionally sel-consumed
Ego Boost. Most persons who recently engaged in aairs had their selesteems stroked by their lovers. In the aairee’s eyes, the betrayer looks perect. Dr. Glass calls this “the positive mirroring o the sel.”3 Strayers, despite their conficted consciences, generally eel uplied by the sizzle o resh love. Tey have pursued a baggage-ree relationship and indulged in sexual or romantic antasies without the ordinary burdens o a real lie marriage. Teir lovers make them eel appealing, desir-
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
able, and highly esteemed in their secret aair bubble. It is dicult or the disloyal to drum up empathy or aithul partners when the acts that hurt their spouses elt so good. Unair Contrast. o add to the conusion, idealized aairees have distinct ad vantages over the legitimate spouse. Tey’ve interacted with the betrayer in articial situations, with their best eet orward. Dressed nice or work. Free rom crying babies and dirty laundry. Paramours’ esteems have been bolstered by the spark o romantic attention, in contrast to the diminished sel-worth o neglected, aithul spouses. Innocent spouses oen eel discouraged by their partners’ inattention long beore the aair is consciously known. And when they nally learn o the aair, their sel-esteems are crushed. Tey eel shell-shocked, shamed, and rejected. Te blow o intimate betrayal assaults a spouse’s selworth like ew other human experiences. Hurt partners are requently traumatized to the point they can hardly think straight. Tey usually behave in uncharacteristic and unattractive ways, making them rather unpleasant to contend with. Tey may act desperate, irrational, angry, paranoid, and shaken. Tey sometimes cry easily or scream words you’ve never heard them use beore. I strayers remain detached and ambivalent, they worsen the partner’s insecurities which only increases the craziness at home. When hurt spouses have diculty regaining their composures, rather than eel compassion, short-sighted betrayers tend to view their zombied spouses with disdain. In my observation, it takes time or the elevated view o
Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it”
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the lover to ade rom the unaithul person’s mind. But once it does—whether the betrayer stays with his/her spouse or takes o with the aair partner—down the road, the untrustworthiness and aults o the paramour usually outrank the perceived imperections o the original spouse; much to the oender’s regret. Sel-Consumption. A third complication that intereres with betrayers “getting” the proundity o their hurtul behaviors, is their own inner turmoil. Tose who step out o their marriages are usually only thinking about themselves. Tey are emotionally selconsumed and act as though, “It’s all about Me.” Aer discovery, straying spouses typically continue the habit o thinking only o themselves and their tumultuous emotions. Here are a ew o their struggles: •
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Tey are conused about what to do aer being ound out Tey eel bad about being caught and guilty or what they’ve done Tey ear acing the allout o their behaviors, especially others’ disapproval o them
Tey are commonly so absorbed with eorts at damage control and eeling sorry or themselves that they lack the ability to eel sympathy or their shattered amily members Each o these actors—a stroked ego, the idealized aair partner, the unappealing disposition o betrayed spouses, and the tortured emotions o the strayer—interere with unaithul partners’ abilities to understand and empathize with their
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
injured spouses. Despite these challenges, Successul Rebuilders realize their aggrieved spouses are in completely dierent emotional states than they are. While the betrayer’s esteem has been built up, the aithul partner’s sense o worth has been undermined. So, rather than gloat over eeling desired by two lovers, or wallow in sel-pity over their sorry plights, Rebuilders are humbled and concerned about the calamities they’ve brought upon their aithul partners. Successul Rebuilders realize that the reason or their spouses’ current lackluster appeal is usually the betrayer’s own ault. Tey know that their harmul acts—beore, during, and aer the aair—have demoralized their wounded partners. Tey accept responsibility or this and recognize that their selsh entanglements have stolen their spouses’ sense o security, value, and emotional saety. Rebuilders say to themselves, “No wonder my spouse is moody, tearul, and insecure. I did this to him/her.” When Successul Rebuilders understand that their lies and betrayals are the source o their partners’ extreme reactions, they eel less deensive and more compassionate toward their hurt spouses. Let’s look at a ew public examples o those who ailed to “get it.”
Do you remember ormer President Clinton’s weak apologies? His lack o contrition? His initial attempts to evade the truth through being technically correct (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman”)? Did you hear his later admissions o wrongdoing and get the eeling something was
Qualities o Successul Rebuilders: “Getting it”
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missing (at that time)? And what about presidential hopeul, John Edwards? Can you imagine the pain his wie experienced with his repeated eorts to cover up his aair and love child while asking her to support his bid or the highest oce in the land? All while she battled a recurrence o her cancer? Mr. Edward’s ability to convince his wie and his sta to go along with his shenanigans is a prime example o charm-gone-bad. And did you watch the televised admissions o Governor Mark Sanord? Did you wince like I did when he made his meandering conession, clueless as to the ways his bungled words would impact his wie and children? Te missing piece in each o the above examples was the sense that they “got it”—that they grasped the seriousness o their betrayals on their amilies and the additional damage rom the lies they said to cover them up. Te most important quality o Successul Rebuilders is their sympathetic awareness o the harm they’ve caused others, even more than themselves. Successul Rebuilders are no longer ooled by their ckle eelings. Tey: seek counsel to refect on the big picture identiy their misdeeds and accept responsibility consider the disadvantages o leaving a known but imperect spouse or a deceitul lover who colluded as their partner in crime recall the love they once shared with their hurt spouses think about the legacy they will hand their children • • •
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In contrast to the prior mentioned political gures, consider
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How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Aair
the comments o iger Woods, April 5, 2010, a ew months aer his scandalous behaviors came to light: “Unortunately what I’ve done over the past years has been just terrible to my amily. And the act I won gol tournaments is, I think is irrelevant.; it’s the pain, the damage that I’ve caused—my wie, my mom, my wie’s amily, my kids…And that’s my responsibility. I did it. And I take ull responsibility or it.” 4 His words are the signs o a strayer who has begun to “get it.” It’s a shame he didn’t “get it” in time to save his marriage. On the other hand, ormer Chicago Police Superintendent Dick Brzeczek, is one public gure who “got it” and managed to save his marriage, “Te shame o my actions rose up like bile, nearly choking me. Until that day, I never realized how deeply I had hurt all the people I loved. No one deserves the kind o misery I had put Liz through...I knew I was no longer a winner. I was a pathetic, selsh, sel-serving asshole.” 5 In the aermath o aairs, Successul Rebuilders deeply regret the pain they’ve cause their spouses, accept personal responsibility or their actions, and ocus on their partners’ sorrows. It used to be “all about Me.” Now it is, “all about my injured spouse.” Rebuilders do not expect their spouses to meet their needs in the initial stages o recovery. Tey are willing to wait or mutual eort to return to the relationship. Wise Rebuilders wake up to how their emotions and rationalizations ooled them. Tey recognize that marital love is more than a eeling. It is a decision to behave lovingly toward a lie partner, whether one is “in the mood” or not. All other steps listed in this book are dependent on this attitude—one o “getting it.” Otherwise, whatever actions straying spouses take will come across as sel-serving, manipulative, and meaningless.
Te Tree R’s o Successul Rebuilders
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2 Te Tree R’s o Successul Rebuilders
Successul Rebuilders ace the act that their season o betrayal will require signicant time and eort to repair. Rebuilders don’t allow themselves to be discouraged by this. Tey accept the challenge with humility. Tey believe that in the long run, a restored marriage is usually better than a devastating divorce—or everyone concerned. Tey courageously pursue their assignment to undo the damage they’ve caused, despite knowing that it will take ar longer than they’d like. Tey also realize the raw intensity won’t last orever. When unaithul spouses make a concerted eort to become trustworthy persons again, they pave the way or their wounded spouses to re-trust them, one step at a time. Along with “getting it,” Successul Rebuilders possess three other critical qualities; they are resilient, realistic and respectul . Resilient. Rebuilding a marriage aer the wrecking ball o an aair is no easy task. It takes resilience to withstand all the emotional ups and downs once the truth comes to light. Not everyone has the strength, stamina or goodwill to ace their wrongs and hang in there with a severely wounded spouse. Success-
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ul Rebuilders decide they are in it or the long haul. Tey have the insight to know that had they chosen to run away rather than stand and ght or their marriages, they still would not escape their pasts. Tey realize the damage, shame, and painul reminders would hover beneath the surace orever, only to rise up at unexpected moments, even i they move on to a new marriage partner. Holidays, children’s weddings, or bumping into riends rom the ormer lie would see to that. Instead, Successul Rebuilders choose the more dicult path o resilient perseverance. Tey know it takes guts to ace the pain they have caused and the act that their marriages are orever altered. But rather than ear this challenge, they choose to stay and do the hard work o recovery—both o their own broken states and the condition o their marriages. Tey learn to tolerate the initial roller-coaster ride o unpleasant emotions, grow in their abilities to communicate, and expand their capacities or true intimacy. Tey work hard to restore their integrity and make amends with those they’ve wounded. Tey are determined to stay the course o recovery, despite setbacks and times o discouragement. Realistic. Successul Rebuilders are also realistic. Tey know that the innocence o their marriage is gone. Tey do not assume that just because they are sorry or their oenses that their spouses will come running back into their arms, ready to orgive and reunite. Tey know that broken trust takes time to repair, and even then, scars will remain. While they do not expect
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instant healing o their relationships, they do hold out or the opportunity to earn a second chance. Once their marriages are on more solid ootings in the years to come, Successul Rebuilders are not startled when occasional reminders o their past indiscretions still crop up. Rather than resent such intrusions, they immediately seek to soothe their spouses, thankul they have ought against the orces that sought to destroy their amilies and won. Tey nd satisaction, knowing they chose the way o growth rather than the way o retreat. Respectul. When people engage in aairs, they rarely asked their spouses ahead o time, “Hey, I’m attracted to a colleague at work. Is it OK with you i I go to bed with him/her?” Betrayers generally made private decisions about their extra-marital involvements. Even i they ell into an aair by surprise or a moment o weakness such as an unplanned one night stand, at some point the unaithul person made a unilateral choice to step outside the marriage. Successul Rebuilders understand that when they crossed the line into romance with an outside person, they deprived their spouses o an important “vote” on the matter. Tey realize they violated their spouses’ marital rights o exclusivity and privacy. o compensate or these violations, Successul Rebuilders respect the oended spouse’s choices on how to proceed post-aair. Karen Johnson, a counselor in Maui, Hawaii, says to wounded spouses, “You get to.” 6 In other words, the betrayer broke all the rules without permission, so now the spouse
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“gets to” choose the next move. Successul Rebuilders understand the vow-breaking nature o their transgressions and respect their partners’ rights to have choices o their own. Sometimes the betrayal has caused so much damage (especially true when multiple lies and betrayals occurred), the hurt spouse wants no contact or a while. Successul Rebuilders patiently respect a hurt partner’s need or space. Tey allow oended partners the time they need to process their conused eelings. Te hurt spouse may need to see whether the straying partner is committed to real recovery, apart rom oering any assurance o reconciliation. A trial separation, in agreed upon temporary quarters, is a wonderul opportunity or the betrayer to demonstrate genuine contrition and a willingness to deal with his/her own hang-ups that allowed the aair to happen in the rst place. It oen provides the solitude necessary or the strayer to refect on his or her actions, undo the rationalizations used to justiy the aair, and get a taste o what it would be like to live without the spouse. Te more the oender seeks his/her own personal recovery without relying on the hurt spouse, the more likely the hurt spouse will trust the betrayer’s sincerity. Down the road, the oended partner may even relent and give the betrayer another chance. Sometimes a temporary separation also helps betrayed partners regain a measure o dignity aer the shame o intimate betrayal. It can serve as a tangible way or hurt spouses to protest a partner’s unaithul choices and give them some space to sort their eelings and consider their options. Kicking the betrayer out o the house also allows aithul spouses
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to send a message to the betrayer, amily, and a ew close riends: indelity is a severe oense to the marriage and a potential deal-breaker. It also underlines the act that, aer having no say about the oender’s outside trysts, wounded spouses “get to” set the terms or any possible reconciliation. Smart Rebuilders know they need to place themselves at the mercy o their hurt partners. Successul Rebuilders do not let a time o separation sideline them rom their road to recovery or give them an excuse to live the single liestyle again. Tey remain steadast in staying away rom ormer lovers and rerain rom other orms o sexual acting out. Tey demonstrate their commitment to love the hurt spouse and children, despite the inconvenience o living elsewhere. Rebuilders continue to pursue spiritually healthy riends, pastors, counseling, recovery groups, honest sel-refection, spiritual renewal—apart rom the security o a restored marriage. Tis is not to say that a trial separation should be automatic aer betrayal. Sometimes a ew days at a hotel or a riend’s house is enough o a “brush-with-death” to motivate a straying spouse to be totally broken and or the betrayed to regain enough equilibrium to tolerate closer proximity to the oending partner. Other betrayed spouses preer to have a penitent spouse remain in the home to oer hugs and reassurances o love. Tey may choose this option in order to soothe their rattled nerves and calm ears o rejection. One advantage o allowing sincerely remorseul partners back into the house is that they are orced to see the dam-
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age they have caused, up close and personal. Another benet is that couples who learn to plow through the tremendous emotional swings while living together oen reach a new high water mark in their ability to work through confict. However this is dicult to accomplish i the betrayer is not sorry or without the aid o a well-trained therapist. In addition to counseling, or persons o aith I especially like Drs. Earl and Sandy Wilson’s model o selecting a Spiritual Care eam to surround the couple as adjunct support. 7 No matter what, Rebuilders who wish t o repair their marriages respect the rights o their betrayed spouses to choose the living arrangements in the aermath o indelity. Now that I have briefy covered the attitudes and character qualities o Successul Rebuilders, hopeully you are ready to dive into “Te List.” Te List is a set o 15 step-by-step guidelines to help you minimize the allout and prevent urther damage to your loved ones aer your aair comes to light. While these steps are a quick read, applying them is not a quick process. Although you will need to revisit some o these steps in the years to come, the rst days and weeks ater the revelation o an aair are the most critical. In act, the ways you respond to your spouse in the rst tumultuous hours aer he/she learns o your aair may set the tone or the next ew years o your relationship, as well as your lie. So pay special attention to the next chapter regarding how to handle the initial revelation o your clandestine activities.
Te List
Te List: 15 Essential Steps to Repair and Heal Your Marriage
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Guidelines or Discovery and Disclosure
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3 Guidelines or Discovery and Disclosure
Few experiences in lie are more traumatic than learning o a beloved partner’s intimate betrayal. As indelity expert, Dr. Shirley Glass states, “Te private calamity o discovering that your partner has become someone you don’t recognize and has lied to you as i you were an enemy blows your secure world to pieces.” She goes on to observe, “In just a ew seconds, the saest haven in the world is turned into the source o the greatest treachery.” 8 No wonder the online message boards or betrayed spouses reer to the day o discovery or disclosure as “D-Day.” It behooves the unaithul to handle the initial disclosure o their betrayal(s) with care. Tese guidelines can help you avoid worsening the already terrible blow to your spouse when he/she learns about your aair. I you brace yoursel or a radical ride o crazy emotions and ollow these initial guidelines, you will increase your chances o navigating the perect storm without sinking your marriage. 1. Successul Rebuilders tell their spouses the truth about the aair, rather than waiting to be discovered. When a betrayer voluntarily admits to an aair he/she increases the chances the marriage will survive. I the unaith-
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ul person discloses an aair on his/her own, as hurt as the aithul spouse is, he/he is oen able to accept the devastating news with more grace. Your decision to tell your spouse the truth up ront, rather than waiting to be ound out, communicates a vulnerable rst step in trustworthiness, despite your utterly untrustworthy actions. On the other hand, rebuilding is more dicult when the aithul spouse nds out about the aair through other means, such as: being told by a neighbor, nding a suspicious receipt, sleuthing, receiving a call rom the aairee or the aairee’s spouse, accidently coming across e-mails or texts exchanged with the lover. When spouses learn o a partner’s indelity through such indirect means, the resulting hurt and distrust are magnied. Once the initial shock wears o, the injured one is le wondering how long the betrayer would have kept up the açade. Tis “wondering” oen becomes a source o torment. Hurt partners may exclaim, “But you never would have told me the truth i _______ hadn’t told me!” or quiz, “And, just when were you planning to tell me the truth?” 2. I the aair comes to light through “discovery” vs. direct disclosure by the strayer, Successul Rebuilders show instant shame and remorse and are not deensive. While direct admission is more desirable, the ways a betrayer responds to being ound out can make all the dierence. Once their behaviors are exposed, Successul Rebuilders eel ashamed and remorseul. Tey willingly tell the truth without their spouses needing to pry it out o them. When aithul partners see instant sadness and remorse on
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the strayer’s ace, they nd a measure o comort despite their tremendous pain. When betrayers choose a humble stance, spouses are also less likely to retaliate in extreme ways. On the other hand, unsuccessul rebuilders make numerous mistakes when their spouses unexpectedly learn o an aair. Tey continue to lie, use spin tactics, dodge questions, or make excuses or the aair. Tey lash out at the aithul spouse with statements like, “You’re crazy!” or, “I you weren’t so _______, I never would have gotten involved with him/her!” or, “You’re making a big deal out o nothing.” When the unaithul act deensive or evasive, they invite more distrust. And i they try to manipulate their way out o hot water, like using romantic gestures to “soen up” an enraged spouse, they only make matters worse. Later, when the dust settles and the betrayer sheepishly wants to save the marriage, those initial, sel-protective reactions tend to make repair eorts less believable. wo other actors that complicate uture healing aer disclosure: prior tactics and threats of divorce
Te array o tactics the betrayer used to protect him/hersel prior to disclosure can interere with the hope o reconciling. For example, i the aithul partner suspected something was amiss, asked a ew questions, only to be met with fat denials, urther damage was done. Te more denials and lies the aithul spouse heard prior to learning the awul truth, the more dicult it is to win his or her trust back once the aair is out in the open. Another problem that intereres with recovery is i the be-
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trayer combined the initial disclosure about the aair with the threat o divorce. Such double betrayals—the aair and the plan to divorce—are so catastrophic, many spouses cannot recover rom the shock in order to trust again. Down the road, i the betrayer has a change o heart and wants to eat his/her words and save the marriage, the chances or repair are signicantly reduced. Tese points illustrate the act that the ways you handle the initial disclosure can greatly enhance or hinder the potential or uture healing in the marriage. 3. Once the aair has been disclosed, Successul Rebuilders willingly break o all contact with the aair partner, including phone calls, texting, e-mails, and physical presence. Successul Rebuilders recognize the danger and damage o continued contact with the aair partner. Tey seek to quickly put as much space between themselves and the ormer lover. Tey accept the act that once a married person crosses the line rom colleague or riend into romance with an outside person, the betrayer loses all rights to relate to the “riend” or “colleague” i he/she wants to save the marriage. Successul Rebuilders are willing to suer the accompanying losses because they decide to value their marriages more than their “rights” to maintain contact with the other person — no matter what. I the aair was with a coworker, 95 percent o the time this requires a job change by one o the aair partners. Te other 5 percent o the time, the betrayer might get by with being transerred to a new department where physical prox-
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imity with the aair partner par tner is unlikely unli kely.. However, However, the aithul aithu l spouse gets to have the biggest vote on any job changes. No trying tr ying to be “just riends. ri ends.”” No regular interaction interac tion at work. No continuing to proessionally supervise or be supervised by the other person. Besides it being next to impossible or you to return to mere platonic platonic relating, your continued exposure to a ormer lover will keep your partner on emotional pins-and-needles. Each encounter at work re-assaults the injured spouse and rips the scab o wounds that have barely begun to heal. For hurt spouses, the past is dicult enough to recover rom without adding the daily threat o old sparks re-igniting or being compared to a ormer fame. I there are urther complications, such as children who are riends with the lover’s children, or i the aair partner is a relative, the cuto with the lover must still be enorced, even i others are deprived o relationships as a result. It is essential that all overlapping opportunities or inormation fow be walled o to the the highest degree possible possible and in ways ways that help the hurt spouse eel protected. Such decisions are costly. However, the initial pain and inconvenience should not be determining actors. A divorce would be ar more costly nancially, emotionally, and relationally in the long run. Te ones who initiated the heartbreak o unaithulness must make an eort to accept these losses as consequences o their behaviors. Tese necessary sacrices in the early stages o recovery will increase a spouse’s sense o emotional saety and result in a closer amily unit down the road.
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4. Successul Rebuilders allow their aithul spouses to determine i, how, and when any nal “closure” is conducted with the lover. I the unaithul partner eels the need or closure with the aair partner, Smart Rebuilders rst seek permission rom their spouses. No secret “goodbyes” allowed. In some situations, a clean break along al ong with changing phone numbers and e-mail addresses will suce. Other times it is helpul or the aithul spouse to witness, review, or listen in on a nal communication with the lover. Eective closures usually include: •
a declaration o love or the spouse
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an admission that the relations relationship hip was wrong w rong
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a frm insistence that the relationship is over
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a request or the aair partner par tner to make no urther contact with the betrayer or other amily members
I the wounded partner eels as though he/she has to twist your arm to sever all contacts with the other person, you lose credibility that the aair is over. It is best i you come up with what to say and have your spouse review it. However, i the aithul partner composes the script or has to do the conronting, your personal “buy in” will be doubted later on and the subject o many arguments to come. You will come across more believable i you do the work o conronting and closing the door to the lover, with the aithul partner’s ull knowledge and approval. But what i you are araid to cut all ties with the lover? Te next chapter explores this dilemma.
Stumbling Blocks to Severing ies With the Aair Partner
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4 Stumbling Blocks to Severing ies with the Aa Aair ir Partner
Sometimes a straying spouse is araid to completely break things o with the aair partner. Here are a ew common concerns: Te strayer may be unsure as to whether the spouse will accept him/her back.
Gingerly holding onto the aair partner or a little security will guarantee will guarantee your ailure to restore the marriage. Even i the aithul spouse doesn’t consciously know that you’ve maintained some manner o connection with the other person, he/she will sense it intuitively and not be able to trust you. Continued secret contacts with the lover will put an in visible wedge in the marriage, keep your heart in knots, and strain the aithul spouse’s nerves. You will eel better in the long run i you take the leap o aith to completely let go o the outside person and give your marriage a ghting chance. Te betrayer may be unsure the spouse will ever meet his or her needs.
No matter the condition o the marriage marri age beore the aair aai r, the
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betrayer had a lot o options besides an outside romance, such as: directly expressing unmet needs, dragging the partner in or extended counseling, insisting he or she join you on a Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille Weekend, a bold letter to the spouse, a well-planned intervention o some kind, or even therapeutic, controlled separation (under the guidance o a counselor or pastor). Even divorcing an abusive or cruel partner is more merciul than seeking solace in the arms o a lover during the marriage. Successul Rebuilders accept ull responsibility or the decision to betray the marriage partner. Tey careully examine their unhealed inner conficts, many o which likely predated the marriage (such as parental divorce, a ather’s neglect, bitterness over a lie tragedy, or unresolved childhood wounds). Rebuilders also identiy and explore any attitudes, such as personal entitlement or sel-centeredness, that may have ueled the aair. While current stressors can also make someone vulnerable to an aair, Rebuilders know the roots o disloyalty usually go deeper than that. Te betrayer needs to accept the act that no human being will ever be able to completely meet his or her needs. In most cases, the betrayer’s perception o his/ her “needs” have been articially magnied by the aair. As therapists and researchers have discovered, the hormones activated in the brain during a orbidden aair mimic the eect o morphine, lighting up the pleasurecenters o the brain in a way not possible in a reality-based, long-term marriage.9 I the condition o your marriage was poor beore temptation came along, it usually wasn’t as bad as you think it was.
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And it was certainly more salvageable than it will be postaair. When you view your relationship through the distorted lens o illicit love, your marriage will naturally appear rather dull. You may even rewrite the story o your marriage as having been more “miserable” than it really was in order to explain these new, exciting eelings to yoursel or others. Most strayers who “bond” with their lovers, detach rom their spouses and view them in more jaded ways than beore. Tat said, Successul Rebuilders who put in the eort to heal their partners’ wounds up ront, later have the chance to address ormerly unresolved marital issues. Keep in mind that although your aithul partner may have played a role in your vulnerability to an aair, that is not the same thing as causing it. Your spouse did not hold a gun to your head and insist that you get involved with someone else. You chose to step out o the marriage on your own. Your job is to take responsibility or the aair, work hard to rebuild your partner’s trust, and oer comort and reassurance. Ten, once your commitment to honesty has been re-established and the inital turmoil has subsided, your spouse will be more willing to address any troubling marital issues that pre-dated the aair. Te strayer may eel sorry or the aair partner and dread hurting him or her.
Te betrayer needs to show more concern or the eelings o the injured spouse than or the illicit romantic partner, i he/she hopes to save the marriage. Some aairs begin with someone trying to “rescue” another rom some perceived unhappy circumstance. Tat is still not an excuse to eel sor-
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rier or the aair partner than your devastated spouse. For example, consider Governor Mark Sanord’s explanation or how his aair began,“Tis person at the time was separated, and we ended up in this incredibly serious con versation about why she ought to get back with her husband or the sake o her two boys; that not only was it part o God’s law, but ultimately those two boys would be better o or it.”10 Did you notice? Teir undercover relationship deepened when they discussed their personal lives and he elt drawn to “help” this Argentine woman, in the guise o spiritual advice. Successul Rebuilders rip their misplaced loyalties away rom the aair partner and attach them like glue to the aithul spouse, adopting a new motto: the real spouse comes rst. Smart Rebuilders never deend the aair partner to the hurt spouse. Nor do they coax the aithul spouse to sympathize with the lover. “But she was hurting and in an abusive marriage.” oo bad. Your lover’s sorry plight is o no concern to your spouse. Deending or eeling sorry or the paramour will only urther alienate your hurt partner. Aer all, he or she colluded with you to violate the marriage and had little conscience about hurting your spouse. Sometimes the betraying person may want to string the lover along “just in case” the marriage doesn’t work out.
Rebuilding a marriage is impossible when a third party is dangling in the wings. You need to have both eet rmly planted back into your marriage i it is to have any chance o surviving. Allow no backdoors.
Undoing the Damage rom Your Lies and Rationalizations
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5 Undoing the Damage rom Your Lies and Rationalizations
As much as the aair itsel has injured your spouse and broken his/her trust in you, your lies poured salt in his/her wounds. Especially when you previously met your spouse’s suspicions with ridicule or questioning you. In act, betrayed spouses oen report to me that the damage rom their partners’ lies and rationalizations are more dicult or them to get over than the physical betrayals. And worse, i the lies and excuses continue once the aair comes to light, most aithul partners nd this intolerable and are unwilling to stay in their marriages. Careully read this chapter i you wish to have the opportunity to rebuild your marriage out o the rubble o shattered trust. 5. Strayers who have the most success in healing their marriages tell no more lies. Successul Rebuilders don’t evade questions when asked. Tey don’t hide inormation or spend energy on damage control. Tey are orthcoming. Honest. Contrite. And, i they
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do lapse into a cover-up o some kind (usually rom the ear o hurting the betrayed spouse), they coness it immediately without waiting to be “caught” or interrogated. Successul Rebuilders recognize that the painul truth is ar less damaging than more lies. I the ormer lover contacts the betrayer (by e-mail, texting, voice message, or “accidental run-ins”), Rebuilders do their best to avoid the entanglement and immediately tell the aithul spouse about the incident. NO MORE SECRES. In my experience, each additional lie aer the original disclosure systematically undermines the eorts to rebuild trust. Successul Rebuilders come clean and stay clean. I always tell my clients it takes two years rom the last lie to see light at the end o the tunnel in terms o recovery. Strayers need to know that ollow-up lies and “slipups” are so damaging, they oen seal the ate o the marriage in stone. One or two lapses are pretty normal in the aermath o an aair. But the betrayer needs to do his or her best to avoid them. Some hurt partners have enough resilience to recognize that pulling out o an aair can be a rather jagged process. Yet other aithul partners are so devastated, that one slipup can crush any chances o restoring trust and will doom the marriage. On the other hand, when a betraying spouse continues to hide the truth—such as evading or fatly denying certain questions when the spouse is pretty sure “there’s more” to the story—it only osters distrust. Holding back important acts (such as start dates and end dates) in order to avoid upsetting the partner will only make matters worse. Betrayed spouses have the right to know the truth and have their intuitions
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validated beore they can or ought to trust again. Such hiding not only re-injures the aithul spouse’s trust, it reinorces the strayer’s belie that he/she can lie and get away with it. Te reusal to totally come clean is harmul to the betrayer’s own recovery. Strayers who reserve the right to withhold inormation or sel-protection usually all into secret-keeping again. Soon enough, they ool themselves into thinking they can dabble in their extra-marital activities “just a little more” without harm. And the cycle o betrayal keeps going. Consider Successul Rebuilder, Dick Brzeczek’s approach, as recorded by his wie, Liz, “No matter how intimate the question, no matter how probing, Dick held absolutely nothing back. By answering all o my questions, by not being evasive, Dick showed he truly cared about me and our marriage... I Dick had been evasive or tried to discourage my questions about his aair, it would have perpetuated my distrust and ear and totally killed whatever chance our marriage had. But he didn’t.” 11 When a betrayer picks and chooses which questions he/ she is willing to answer, it is a sign o arrogance; that the strayer thinks he/she knows best what is “enough” or the spouse to know. Such avoidance intereres with the process necessary or true recovery, or the betrayer, the aithul spouse, and ultimately, the marriage. Hiding begets more hiding. Lying begets more lying. As author/speaker John Bradshaw says, “We are as sick as our secrets.” 12 But what about certain salacious details? Like sexual positions or recounting one’s antasies during encounters with
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the aairee? I recommend that Rebuilders always share the basics, but kindly ask an inquisitive spouse i sharing such intricacies will help them or hurt them. Successul Rebuilders show concern about planting disgusting images in their partners’ minds, without hiding pertinent acts rom a selsh motive. Rebuilders need to answer all questions necessary or piecing together what occurred (who, what where, when, how, and why), without unnecessarily contaminating their spouses’ imaginations with shameul details. Sometimes in-depth conessions are best done in a therapist’s oce, guided by a skilled sex addictions specialist. Tis is especially true when compulsive sexual activities are involved, such as multiple visits with prostitutes. Certied Sex Addiction Terapists have special training to structure conessions in ways that can reduce the traumatic impact on betrayed spouses. 13 6. Successul Rebuilders accept ull responsibility or their actions. Tis means no excuses or shiing blame onto the aithul spouse. Rebuilders get help (such as counseling, a recovery group, and/or mentoring) so they can overcome their rationalizations or the aair. Tey seek to undo all the lies they told themselves or “permission” to be unaithul. From selpity to their spouse’s imperections, they realize no excuse justies intimate betrayal. Successul Rebuilders acknowledge the act that no one “made” them get involved with someone else. Tey accept ull responsibility or crossing the lines that led up to their aairs.
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Successul Rebuilders seek proessional help to explore recent stressors as well as childhood experiences that may have predisposed them to sexually act out. Common predisposing actors may include: •
a recent death in the amily
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a job demotion or promotion
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the recent birth o a child
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an overly child-centered marriage
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a lack o emotional needs met in childhood
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abandonment by a parent
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being indulged by a doting parent (cultivates a sense o entitlement)
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a parent conding in the child as a peer or surrogate spouse
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unresolved childhood trauma or grie
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prematurely being orced to be an “adult”
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learning to compartmentalize eelings in order to cope with the pain o childhood abuse
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having a parent who justied his or her own indelity
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negative attitudes by a parent toward members o the opposite sex
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early exposure to pornography or sexually explicit media
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being sexually molested
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being raised by a parent who is mentally ill or unstable
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parental addiction to any substance or activity
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Besides examining and processing wounds rom the past, Successul Rebuilders let go o the dream that some all-giving Fairy Godmother or Prince Charming is going to swoop down and meet their need to eel more “whole.” Rebuilders recognize that a real or imagined lover, substance, or compulsive activity cannot ll the longings that spring rom emptiness o soul. Only God can ll that hole, and even then, healing is a cooperative eort between sel, God, and a band o supportive people. Spiritual growth and emotional maturity require time, sel-refection, and eort. Rebuilders seek to let go o their resentments toward parents, partners, lie, or God in order to nd spiritual and emotional peace. In summary, Smart Rebuilders do not minimize the impact o their actions. Tey ace the ways they have hurt amily members and accept responsibility or inviting negative or angry responses rom their spouses. Tey retrace their steps to better understand their choices. Tey recognize the selshness o their thinking and actions. Tey know they broke their marriage vows and reely admit this to their spouses. Successul Rebuilders stop ooling themselves or trying to ool others. Tey see all romantic encounters outside the marriage as acts o unaithulness—firting, pornography, kissing, ondling, online sex-chat rooms, secret communications, conding personal inormation about the marriage, sneaking around, and so on. Tey do not excuse these behaviors on the basis they were not technically intercourse. Tey do not parse words to minimize their oenses. Successul Rebuilders ess up to their oenses with courage and demonstrate a desire to restore their integrity and their partners’
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trust at any cost. When betrayers own up to their misdeeds and show compassion toward those they have harmed, hurt spouses begin to relax and gradually lose the need to remind unaithul partners about their hurtul actions. Helpul statements Successul Rebuilders use:
“I was wrong.” “I deeply regret hurting you this way.” “I have sinned against you and against God.” “I I could do things over, I never would have become involved with _____” Tese statements need to be accompanied by sincere eelings o remorse or the oense and its damage, not simply regret or being “caught.” Hurt spouses can’t hear enough sincere, specic apologies. Successul Rebuilders accept this assignment, knowing that the aithul spouse’s need or apologies related to the aair will diminish over time. Tis usually takes years, not weeks. Aer many apologies and evidence o behavior change, the betrayer can eventually say, “I hope someday you will orgive me or _______ (a specic hurt or oense)” An example might be, “I was so wrong. Will you orgive me or running to __(the lover) or comort instead o to you or to God?” “Will you orgive me or saying _______ to you? I eel terrible or saying that.” Te betrayed spouse may not be able to orgive just yet. But it still helps or him or her to know the strayer desires
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to be orgiven, without undue pressure to do so on demand. Other amily members need heartelt apologies too. Your parents-in-laws will eventually need you to apologize to them or betraying their trust and deeply wounding their son or daughter. However, your in-laws may not be receptive to your apologies unless your spouse is showing the beginning signs o healing. Tey will take their cues rom their grown kid. [For insights regarding apologies to your own children, see chapter 10.] Strayers who nd themselves unable to conjure up eelings o remorse, may need to seek help rom God. Te temporary thrill o intimate betrayal and the accompanying rationalizations tend to cloud betrayers’ judgment and harden their hearts toward God and loved ones. Deceitul pleasures also block a person’s ability to eel appropriate sorrow or their oenses. A strong dose o truth may provide just the right medicine to jolt a dazed betrayer out o the stupor o emotional deception. I you nd yoursel detached and without adequate remorse or what you’ve done, you might try reading Dr. Earl Wilson’s book, Steering Clear [see Annotated Bibliography]. For those who value the Jewish and Christian scriptures, the rst nine chapters o the Book o Proverbs can inject a new sense o reality about the nature o their unaithul activities. Many betrayers also nd help achieving genuine contrition through reading King David’s prayers o regret and hope aer his aair with Bathsheba, as recorded in Psalm 32 and Psalm 51.
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6 How to Change Your Role rom Destroyer to Healer
Unsuccessul rebuilders requently minimize their partners’ pain and are impatient with the recovery process. Tey are preoccupied with their own eelings and remain clueless about the devastation they’ve caused their amilies. In my oce, some betrayed spouses describe it this way, “It’s as i he threw a grenade through our living room windows and blew our house to smithereens. Yet he stands outside complaining that we are crying too much, scos at our missing limbs, and ignores the blood all over our clothes.” I you wish to avoid such damaging mistakes, read on. 7. Successul Rebuilders are patient with the hurt partner’s emotions and the time needed to recover. Aer disclosure and the betrayer is “done” with the aair, the oender oen experiences relie while the hurt partner is just beginning to deal with the pain. Tis dierence in timing creates a lot o havoc. Te unaithul spouse usually doesn’t want to talk about it any more. He or she wishes to erase the mistakes made and move orward. Once betrayers see the
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look o horror in their spouses’ eyes and view their devastating behaviors in the light o day, they oen eel awash in shame, sadness, and disappointment in themselves. It is normal or them to want to avoid these unpleasant eelings and nd a way to ast-track through the healing process. However, Successul Rebuilders realize that what is old news or them is still raw news or a aithul spouse. While it is natural or the betrayer to want to look orward, it is also natural or the betrayed person to be stuck in the past until healing occurs. Te only way the hurt spouse can recover is i the betraying partner patiently rewinds the tape and lovingly processes the damage o the aair with the hurt spouse, over and over, one step at a time. Rebuilders sensitively stop and listen to their spouses. Tey validate their partners’ pain (instead o deny or minimize). Tey hold their partners when they cry. Tey respect the aithul spouse’s right to have sad and angry eelings about the aair. Tey recognize the trauma. Tey do not pressure the aithul spouse to resume sex. Rebuilders recognize the harm they have caused and accept the partner’s timetable or healing—whatever it takes— rather than trying to impose their own timetables. Tey know that healing will only occur by acing and dealing with the partner’s pain, rather than avoiding it. Smart Rebuilders NEVER say:
“You should be over this by now!” “Why can’t you move on?”
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“Oh, brother! Tat again?” “Why do you keep browbeating me with this?” “What’s your problem? I said I was sorry!” “It’s over. Why can’t you accept that?” “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” “Well, you did _________ to me.” “God has orgiven me. Why can’t you?” “Why can’t you just orgive and orget?” “You’re just bitter and vindictive.” “Well, you’ve hurt me too!” Such phrases undermine any progress toward healing. 8. Successul Rebuilders seek to understand their partners’ pain. Most strayers have diculty digesting the damage they have caused. Tey are either too elated rom the fattery o their aairs, too buried with regret, or too relieved their secret lie is nally over to truly understand their injured spouses’ emotional reality. Since empathy is dicult to ake, I encourage Rebuilders to give their hurt partners lots o room to vent and grieve in their presence. Witnessing a aithul partner’s emotional devastation brings the betrayer out o the og o illicit romance and into the jarring truth o what he/she has done. Such receptivity on the part o the strayer has a double benet o helping the spouse to heal and the betrayer to have
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a more proound change o heart. I observe the greatest healing or couples when the betrayer humbly submits him or hersel to a process o nondeensive listening and validating the hurt partner’s eelings, as long as the injured spouse eels is necessary. Some betrayers ear that honoring the spouse’s timetable or recovery means subjecting themselves to years o endless torture, but this is not true. Te more you resist participating in the hurt spouse’s healing process, the longer it will take. When an unaithul spouse acts deensive, avoids the topic, and works hard to protect him or hersel, he/she ends up prolonging the agony and reducing the chance or repair. Te more the straying spouse tries to suppress or avoid the betrayed partner’s expressions o pain, the more the wound stays open, oozing like an inected sore. On the other hand, Successul Rebuilders listen attentively to their spouses’ hurts. Tey show immense sorrow or their partners’ injuries and seek to comort their partners’ distress. Tey realize that patient, caring responses actually shorten the recovery time and are among the biggest keys or success. 9. Successul Rebuilders are more sorry or their spouse’s pain than or their own guilt. Rebuilders grieve over their partners’ sorrows without allowing their own sel-pity to distract them. It is good or betrayers to be remorseul about what they have done. Yet, a betrayer’s regret or his/her guilt needs to not supersede a deeper regret or the aithul spouse’s agony. Healthy guilt needs to be about the awulness o the deed,
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not about how bad the betrayer eels about him/hersel. Unhealthy guilt becomes all about the betrayer: “Poor me! I am such a ailure!” while healthy guilt is about the damage done to the betrayed: “I am deeply sorry or the ways I’ve wounded you!” When hurt spouses cry or fy o the handle over their overwhelming pain, Successul Rebuilders say things like, “I eel awul about what I have done to you,” “I’m sad to see you in so much pain,” “It kills me to think about what I’ve done to you,” and “I don’t blame you or eeling that way.” Hurt spouses desperately need to know that their betrayers deeply regret how badly they have hurt them. Betrayers who spend more time recriminating themselves than oering love and sympathy or their hurt spouses, take away rom their partners’ needs or understanding and comort. On the other hand, Successul Rebuilders seek to put more energy into healing the pain o the betrayed than in punishing themselves or their indiscretions. 10. Successul Rebuilders grow in their abilities to show sincere empathy and oer heartelt apologies. It is dicult or most o us to hear about how much we have hurt a loved one. Yet, when a betrayer allows shame, deensiveness, and sel-absorption to get in the way, then he or she remains unable to get into the hurt partner’s shoes. Successul Rebuilders openly care about the sorrows they have inficted upon the aithul spouses. Tey don’t avoid the emotional outbursts o betrayed partners. Tey accept their partners’ rights to express their eelings. Tey sincerely
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apologize over and over again and seek to soothe their partners’ emotional pain. On the other hand, unsuccessul rebuilders stumble in their attempts to “x” their partner’s sorrows by oering weak, unhelpul apologies. Unhelpul Apologies:
a. “I am sorry i I hurt you.” b. “I am sorry or your hurt.” c. “I am sorry or whatever I did.” Such statements come across too detached to satisy injured spouses. Tey send an “I bear no responsibilities” message. Tus, aithul partners will eel more hurt, and think or say things like: a. “What do you mean IF you hurt me? Is there any doubt about that?!” b. “You are only sorry or MY hurt? So, you think it’s mine to bear alone? Or, that I am making this up?” c. “What do you mean ‘whatever I did’? You mean you don’t KNOW what you did?” Rather than oer shallow apologies, Successul Rebuilders show concern or the damage they’ve caused in personal, engaging ways. Tey are truly grieved to have harmed their beloved. Tey know that sharing their partners’ pain through the gis o genuine remorse and heartelt apologies lessens the burden o sorrow or the betrayed.
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Helpul Apologies that Successul Rebuilders Use:
“I eel terrible or how badly I’ve hurt you.” “I don’t blame you or eeling that way.” “I am so sorry or what I did to you.” “You didn’t deserve that.” “I deeply regret hurting you.” “You have every right to eel that way.” “I’m sorry.” “Tat must eel awul.” “Tat must have elt terrible.” “I was so wrong.” “I will do whatever it takes to make this up to you.” “I love you and promise to never betray you again.” Successul Rebuilders recognize that heartless apologies prolong and even deeat the healing process while sincere apologies and believable empathy speed it up. Tey also realize that by choosing the path o empathy, they become more selfess, compassionate, and caring persons—just the opposite o who they were when they engaged in their aairs. Tis requires thoughtul refection and practice, practice, practice.
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7 Rebuilding rust
11. Successul Rebuilders are sensitive to the extreme distrust they have caused within their partners and are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust. When you stepped out o your marriage to meet your emotional and/or sexual urges, you violated the trust o your spouse to the depths o his/her being. Intimate betrayal ruins hurt partners’ belies about the relationship, and strips away their eelings o security in their partners’ love and commitment. When a spouse’s secret aair comes to light, aithul partners eel devastated, shamed and riddled with doubts. Tey wonder why they were “not enough” or the wandering spouse. Tey question their worth, appeal, and even their own judgment. Aer all, the person they trusted most has become dangerous to their emotional health. Based on the emotional and psychological damage sustained by the wounded spouse, many experts consider indelity a orm o emotional abuse. And, when sexually transmitted diseases are involved, unaithul conduct becomes a
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type o physical abuse as well. Intimate betrayal is a severe act o un-love. As a result, betrayed spouses’ prior belies about their partners are shaken to the core. Common belies o betrayed spouses
Pre-aair Beliefs
Post-aair Beliefs
“I matter to you.”
“I mean nothing to you.”
“I am safe with you.”
“You are dangerous to me.”
“You value me.”
“I am scum to you.”
“You meant our wedding vows.”
“Our vows meant nothing to you.”
“You are honest with me.”
“You are untrustworthy.”
“You care about my feelings.”
“You couldn’t care less.”
“You will protect me.”
“You will harm me without conscience.”
“You have goodwill toward me.”
“You wish me evil.”
“You consider our marriage bed exclusive – just between us.”
“I am not enough for you. Our sexual relationship is not special to you.”
Hurt spouses interpret their partners’ aairs as value judgments against themselves. Tey eel undesirable, unwanted, demeaned, and disgraced in the worst ways. In reality, most betrayers don’t consciously harbor thoughts o demolishing their partners’ sel-esteems. Tey are usually so caught up with their exhilarating emotions that they actually think little about the impact o their actions upon their spouses. Tey are sel-absorbed, cocooned in their antasy worlds with their lovers. Along with obsessing about their
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aair partners, most strayers spend a lot o mental energy on eorts to cover their tracks, justiy their aairs, and quash their guilt. Once discovered, unsuccessul rebuilders try to “explain” their aithless actions to their spouses. Tey mistakenly believe that i their partners understood their intentions, everything would be OK. Tey say things like, “Well, I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Tis approach never works. Te act is they DID hurt the aithul spouse, whether that was oremost in their minds or not. And the very act that the spouse was NO on the betrayer’s mind during the aair, only makes matters worse. In light o how prooundly an aair destroys a partner’s sense o emotional security, Successul Rebuilders are willing to take the time necessary to rebuild their spouses’ ractured trust and bolster their partners’ sense o value and worth. Tey understand that their season o sexual secrecy must be counterbalanced by lielong openness, honesty, and armation. In order to repair their credibility, Rebuilders choose to become completely transparent and answerable to the betrayed spouse. No secret passwords or e-mail accounts. No hidden cell-phone bills or texts. No unknown post-oce boxes. Successul Rebuilders work to create an atmosphere o openness and psychological saety or their aithul spouses. Tis may include allowing the betrayed spouse to install porn blockers on the computer or producing all past and current cell-phone bills. Successul Rebuilders requently check-in by telephone with their spouses and leave no room or unexplained late ar-
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rivals home. Tey don’t put up walls when asked about their whereabouts. In act, they eel bad that their spouses even had to ask, as they know they should have let their partners know their whereabouts ahead o time. Smart Rebuilders are not oended when their spouses are suspicious or skeptical o them. Tey know how severely they have violated the privacy o their marriages and willingly give up their rights to privacy rom their betrayed partners. In essence, they allow themselves to be open books in whatever ways their spouses deem necessary. Successul Rebuilders readily VOLUNEER inormation as to their current whereabouts and activities. Tey are up ront about accidental or potential contacts with the other person. Tey recognize that wounded partners eel humiliated when they have to ask or inormation. Rebuilders don’t leave their spouses in the dark, on edge, wondering what is going on. Tey are transparent and unguarded. Tese new behaviors send a healing message: “You matter to me. I care about how deeply I have violated your trust. I owe it to you to compensate or my dishonesty, my disregard or your eelings, and my harm to your sense o worth. I will do whatever you need in order to regain your condence.” Successul Rebuilders know this level o intense accountability must be sustained long enough or their betrayed spouses to regain their equilibrium. And, while a partner’s trust may be eventually restored and the constant “reporting in” will relax in time, Rebuilders know they can never return to a lie o secrecy or firting with the opposite sex again.
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8 Responding to Your Spouse’s riggers
When the knowledge o indelity slams into a marriage, unsuspecting spouses eel shattered on many levels. Tey question their own perceptions about the world, what is real, and who they can trust. Up eels like down and down eels like up. Reminders o the aair traumatize them over and over again, much like revisiting the scene o a car accident where a loved one has died. Intimate betrayal robs aithul spouses o many core aspects o their marriages. Teir sense o saety, specialness, value, exclusivity, and trust are wiped out in a fash. Reminders o these losses reinjure betrayed spouses, over and over again. Certain objects, locations, or events associated with the aair tend to trigger eelings o intense pain, ear, dread, and/or aversion within the hurt spouse—oen or many years. 12. Successul Rebuilders respect the sensitivities and “triggers” o the hurt spouse. Successul Rebuilders realize that anything associated with the aair will be a source o pain to the wounded spouse, so
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they allow the partner to choose what to do about such reminders. I illicit sex or aection occurred on the marital bed, the hurt spouse may ask to burn or throw away the bedding or even get rid o the bed. Smart Rebuilders will not object. I a hurt spouse has to work hard to convince the betrayer that certain objects or places are simply too painul to deal with, urther wounding occurs. Te betrayer’s objections to the aithul partner’s sensitivities only make the hurt spouse eel misunderstood, urther diminished, and as i their eelings are not taken seriously. Successul Rebuilders allow their wounded spouses to decide how to deal with certain possessions, activities, or places associated with the aair. Tey also nd ways to oer restitution or the money spent on the lover in terms o gis, lavish hotels, or expensive meals. When a Rebuilder is willing to do whatever it takes—a move, a job change, switching athletic clubs, selling a car, compensate or money spent, or go to great lengths to create distance rom the lover—the hurt spouse eels respected, cherished, and cared or. Betrayers have robbed the spouse and the marriage o ar more than they can comprehend. When a Rebuilder is willing to get rid o material possessions associated with the aair, the wounded spouse receives this as a token o goodwill. It is a tangible way or Rebuilders to show concern or the partner’s agony and the need to heal. While nothing trumps the need or emotional support, a Smart Rebuilder is willing to sacrice “things” in order to pursue the higher value o relational and emotional healing. Along with decisions about places and things, Successul
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Rebuilders respect their partner’s choices about people associated with the aair. Many spouses eel the need to avoid or possibly conront persons who supported the aair. Oended spouses view riends or relatives who went along with the unaithul relationship as unsae. In act, they are oen perceived as enemies o the marriage. In order or hurt spouses to eel comortable being around people who cooperated with the aair, they may eel the need to have heart-to-heart talks with them, like, “I was hurt and oended by your support o my spouse’s aair.” Other times the hurt spouse may want the betrayer to have a “corrective talk” with riends, amily, or associates who seemed to condone the aair. Similar to the nal communication with the aair partner, a “corrective talk” with condoning riends, coworkers, or relatives needs to include: • • • • •
the strayer’s regret admitting the aair was wrong declaring one’s love or and commitment to the spouse. asking or a show o support or the marriage and making it clear that i the riend endorses indelity or closely associates with the ormer lover, he or she will be considered a threat to the marriage and not welcome in the couple’s lives
I such a talk would not be wise or easible or i the riend is unreceptive, then the betrayer and the hurt spouse simply need to avoid those who overtly or covertly backed the aair. Successul Rebuilders do not orce their hurt partners to socialize with people who are not “riends o the marriage.”14 Nor should hurt spouses be le at home worried sick be-
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cause the unaithul partner is hanging out with riends o dubious reputation or values. Friends who put their stamp o approval on the aair need to be seen as dangerous to the health o the marriage. Much like a drug addict needs to let go o his drug-using riends i he wants to recover, Successul Rebuilders clear riends out o their lives who endorse aairs. Successul Rebuilders see these sacrices as opportunities to demonstrate the sincerity o their sorrow, suer a degree o penance or their wrongs, and a chance to oer restitution or what was stolen rom the marriage. When Rebuilders show humble respect or the betrayed partner’s eelings, they make much-needed deposits o love in the oended spouse’s heart. Tese eorts dramatically aid in healing the relationship. One situation that severely complicates recovery is i both partners have been unaithul at one time or another. Such couples tend to trigger each other. Tis is especially true when one member is trying to convince the other that his/ her pain is worse than the other’s, or that the other person’s misdeeds were more dastardly than his/her own. Both people end up eeling deeply misunderstood and alienated. In such cases, I try to get them to agree to two rules: No comparisons allowed One person’s hurt gets processed at a time • •
Betrayal is betrayal. Each person has legitimate hurts. It is important that both people get the chance to be comorted and apologized to by the other betraying spouse. Tis means each partner taking turns to listen, soothe, and reassure the other, saving his/her own hurts or another discussion.
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9 Dealing with Your Partner’s Obsessions
Elie Wiesel’s amous quote, “Te opposite o love is not hate, it’s indierence,” applies to big world problems as well as intimate problems in the aermath o betrayal. Smart Rebuilders realize they must avoid indierence i they hope to save their marriages. Strayers who show apathy toward their hurting spouses send a message, “You aren’t worth my eort.” On the other hand, Successul Rebuilders roll up their sleeves, seek their own recovery, and initiate loving behaviors with their spouses despite their partners’ many tense reactions in the aermath o aairs. 13. Successul Rebuilders pursue their spouses and are proactive about checking in on their emotional status. Unsuccessul rebuilders avoid touchy subjects with their marital partners in hopes they just magically “get over” the aair. Uninormed oenders mistakenly believe that talking about it only makes things worse, when just the opposite is true. alking about it brings relie to an injured spouse. Te betrayal and all its aspects are constantly on the mind o the aithul spouse. In act, nearly all betrayed spouses become obsessive or a season. It is a daily, hourly, and in the
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early months, a minute-by-minute battle or the wounded spouse to think about anything else. Painul associations oten re-traumatize the spouse, causing him/her to relive the shock o the aair over and over again. Spouses’ ears put them in a heightened state o alert known as “hypervigilance,” with all senses wired to scan the environment or potential danger. He or she may be easily startled, visually stalk your every move, and interrogate you over calls to your cell phone. Tey are usually unable to drop their guard or ear another, horriying piece o inormation might stab them at any moment. Inormed Rebuilders know this is normal or aithul partners in recovery. Te bywords or healing hurtul triggers are ANICIPAION and AWARENESS. Successul Rebuilders assume their spouses are ceaselessly tormented by the hurts, memories, and imagined encounters between the betrayer and the lover. Tey don’t allow a day to go by without asking, “How are you doing today?” Or, “How are you eeling?” It is comorting when a Rebuilder recognizes that the aair is perpetually on the mind o the betrayed. Successul Rebuilders notice any sight, sound, smell, or word that might be painul or the wounded spouse. When a Rebuilder drives by a location knowingly visited by the betrayer and the aairee, a thoughtul Rebuilder will reach out and hold the partner’s hand, ask i that bothered him/her, and oer assurances o loving care or their pain. When a movie that involves adultery comes on television, Rebuilders ask their spouses how the scene is aecting them. Tey ask i they need to change to another channel. Whatever your opinions o disgraced pastor ed Haggard,
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o New Lie Church, he did several things right in the months that ollowed his public exposure in November o 2006. He lovingly told his wie, Gayle, “I am sad that I’ve destroyed something so precious...I don’t want you to be araid. I want you to trust me again.” ed oen asked her, “What can I do to make you eel sae?”1 5 Tese are the words and attitudes o a sincere Rebuilder. Awareness on the part o the betrayer reduces the weight o the torment on the mind o the hurt spouse. Sharing the burden brings healing. Te more alert and proactive the Rebuilder, the more relie or the tortured spouse and the sooner the obsessive thoughts will get under control and ade away. When a Rebuilder is aware o the spouse’s preoccupation with what happened and demonstrates that he or she cares about the living hell this is or the spouse, the hurt partner eels comorted. Tis sensitivity is especially necessary when sexual relations resume in the marriage. Hurt spouses oen struggle with fashbacks and/or visualizations o their partners’ clandestine activities, particularly during intimate moments. Rebuilders patiently handle the sexual arena o their wounded marriages with extreme care. Gentle hugs and shared tears by unaithul partners soen the sorrows within the hurt spouse and soothe the torment o intimate betrayal. Successul Rebuilders realize that creating a sense o emotional saety is critical to the hurt partner’s willingness to resume sexual relations. While it is normal or either spouse to desire passionate sex in order to re-connect, lasting re-bonding takes time. Sex therapist, Kathleen Miller, recommends that betraying partners take this sexual re-connection very
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slowly. “It needs to eel good to the hurt spouse. Te betrayed spouse needs to be in charge and the betrayer needs to abide by it.”1 6 In counseling spouses with sexual wounds, Kathleen Miller advises couples to “not rush ahead o rebuilding the communication and aection. Waiting is all part o the restoring process.” I couples take things slowly, learning to use arming words and gentle touches, they “can bring the ‘charge’ back to the sexual relationship.” 1 7 As a metaphor or setting the stage or good sex, Kathleen uses what she calls “Te Frosting on the Cake Principle.” When you buy a box o cake mix, you don’t go home and immediately put rosting over the box. Neither do you put the box into a pre-heated oven. First, you open the box, pour the cake powder into a bowl. Ten you add eggs, water, oil and blend the cake mixture together. Next, you pour the batter into a cake pan and put it in the oven to bake or a while. Aer the cake is ully cooked, you take it out o the oven to cool. HEN you apply the rosting. ime, communication, slow touches, and emotional saety are all needed in order to prepare the marriage or the “rosting” o sex.1 8 Another way Successul Rebuilders bring healing to their hurt spouses is or them to reassure their partners about their commitment to be aithul. Tey keep saying, “I love you” (without smothering) and, “I’m committed to you,” even when the hurt spouse doesn’t believe it. Tey shower the betrayed with tender words, thoughtul notes, and helpul acts—always respecting a partner’s space and pace. Smart Rebuilders oer loving gestures without strings attached.
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10 Making Amends with Your Children
Te next step broadens the eorts that Rebuilders need to make i they want to bring healing to their amilies. 14. Successul Rebuilders recognize the impact and damage o parental aairs upon their children and seek to make amends. One o the most common complaints I hear rom wounded spouses is how clueless the unaithul spouse is about their children’s eelings. I am always amazed at betrayers’ convoluted rationalizations regarding their children: “Oh, kids are resilient.” “Tey’ll get over it.” “It’s none o their business.” Children, whatever age, are very attuned to what is going on in the home, as they have a huge need to eel that their amily is a secure, sae haven. Hopeully, post-aair, the children have been told only bare-bones acts about the aair or marital distress in an age-appropriate way. Yet, couples need to keep in mind that children pick up more emotional data than most parents realize. Successul Rebuilders are cognizant o the poor model they have been to their children and the damage they have caused their amilies. Rebuilders acknowledge the ways they
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have lost their children’s respect and shaken their sense o security. Tey reach out to their children with much remorse, admit how wrong they were, and work hard to re-establish their children’s condence that they will not abandon the amily. Tey hug their children oen. Tey check in with them as to how they are doing. Tey reassure their children about their love and commitment to the other parent. Tey make a concerted eort to be emotionally engaged with their kids in ways they ailed to do when they were preoccupied with the aair or sexual acting out. Successul Rebuilders also seek to make amends with their adult children. Tey understand that even though their kids are grown, adult children are oen disillusioned by a parent’s act o unaithulness. Tey may suer shattered trust, disappointment in the straying parent, and insecurity about the institution o marriage. Te allout o parental indelity can lead to deep, personal crises that negatively impact children’s uture relationships. As young adults, they may suer a ear o intimacy (“Will a current/uture partner betray me?”), diminished sel-condence (“Will I turn out like my dad?”), and reduced closeness with parents (“I can’t stand listening to Mom complain or watching Dad ignore her.”) Eective Rebuilders see their moral lapses as oolish and never make excuses or their aairs. Instead, they prousely apologize to their young and/or adult children or betraying their other parent and or letting them down. Tey show appropriate shame and remorse, without manipulating their children to eel sorry or them. Successul Rebuilders ollow
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up their words with aithul actions. Tey periodically connect one-on-one with each child to nd out how they are eeling about all that has gone on, rather than maintain a code o silence. Successul Rebuilders also realize that as bad as it is or children to witness a parent’s ailure, there is great value in seeing a parent do a u-turn and work hard to repair the harm they have caused. Sincere Rebuilders see this as an opportunity to model repentance, genuine apologies, and accepting appropriate blame or wrongs. Tey seek to demonstrate what it means to be humble, loving persons. Rebuilders realize that kids need to see that it is possible or someone to recover rom a moral breakdown and embrace second chances in lie. Our personal ailures can become tremendous lessons or our children and adult children when we have the courage to stick around and do the hard work o repair. But when we reuse to ace the truth and run away instead, we lose our moral authority, teach our children to rationalize wrongdoing, and promote avoidance as the way to cope with lie diculties.
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11 Changing Your Core Character
Strong, healthy character is not an overnight accomplishment. It the is the result o right thinking and behaving over a period o time. Tis next step is critical i you want your repair work to last. 15. Successul Rebuilders are committed to lielong personal recovery and transparency. Repentance and repairing the damage are only the beginning o undoing a mindset that supports sexual betrayal. Usually the seeds o unaithulness were sown during one’s early lie and reinorced over many years. Here is a short list o dysunctional belies that Successul Rebuilders seek to rid rom their lives: Deceitulness (“What others don’t know won’t hurt them.” “It’s okay as long as I’m not caught.” “I know better than others, so I need to keep my cards close to my chest.” “It may be a grey area but it’s technically legal.”) Attitudes o entitlement (“I deserve to satisy my sexual and emotional needs any way I choose.” “I must ulll mysel sex-
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ually whenever I am aroused.” “I deserve to indulge mysel in a little guilty pleasure. It won’t hurt anyone.”) Poor coping skills (“When I’m stressed, sexual release or an emotional high is my solution to help me avoid negative or uncomortable eelings.”) Pride (“I am invulnerable to temptation and above the oibles o other people. I can get close to the fame without being burned, unlike those who are less educated or inerior to me.”) Ability to rationalize (“I it eels good, it must be OK.” “It couldn’t be wrong i it eels so right.” “I I am eeling attracted to someone else, it means I must have married the wrong person.”) Improperly handled anger (“When my spouse/lie/God makes me mad, I need a sexual or romantic encounter to eel better.” “I someone hurts me, I am entitled to hurt them.”) Sel-pity (“I have spent my lie living or everyone else. It’s my turn to take care o ME.” “Lie isn’t air! No one understands. I need to eel good, NOW.”) Knee-jerk deensiveness and covering up the truth (“I must hide what I do and cover my tracks in order to avoid exposure and shame.” “elling the truth will only hurt others.” “I can’t risk being ound out. Others will reject or look down on me. Tat would be intolerable.”)
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Smart Rebuilders learn to recognize these unhealthy attitudes and work hard to challenge and conquer them. Te task o learning where these belies came rom, why they are aulty, and how to avoid their tyranny is not a quick x. Most unaithul partners spent many years cultivating such harmul thinking to the point they’ve become deeply ingrained in their minds. It takes years o disciplined retraining and spiritual growth to overcome the rationalizations that accompany aairs and to undo the power o their appeal. Successul Rebuilders recognize the need to commit themselves to long-term recovery. Old habits die hard, and at the very least, create vulnerable so spots in one’s armor. He or she needs the support and accountability o others who’ve been there. No more “Lone Ranger” living. Successul Rebuilders relish the reedom that comes rom living in the light – openly admitting their temptations, weaknesses, and struggles to others. Some call this a “conessional” liestyle—no more secrets, no more alse pride, no more assuming one is above sexual or romantic temptation. Tis may mean nding a counselor, a same-sex or sae condante, a small group, a sponsor, or all o the above. Rebuilders recognize the need to adopt a code o honesty with their spouses and maintain healthy support networks or the rest o their lives. As I said beore, genuine, lasting recovery is not or the aint o heart. But the benets o pursuing personal, relational, and spiritual wholeness in your lie will reverberate or generations.
Closing Toughts
Closing Toughts “Love cures people–both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.” –Karl Menninger
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But What About My Partner’s Faults?
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12 But What about My Partner’s Faults?
Over the years I have helped many couples in their eorts to process and recover rom the trauma o indelity. Some have been more successul than others. Unaithul partners who humbly ollow the steps previously outlined in this book greatly enhance their chances or healing their marriages. When Rebuilders make a strong eort to repair the wounds o indelity, healing occurs all around—within the hurt spouses, the straying partners, the children, and in the marriage. oo oen, especially in religious circles, the burden or marital restoration alls upon the wounded spouse. Churches oen expect the injured partner to readily orgive and even orget without expecting the unaithul spouse to make a mammoth eort toward emotional repair and rebuilding trust. When pastors or parishioners pressure the betrayed partner to prematurely orgive a straying spouse, the problems are only magnied. Te aithul spouse eels alone and invalidated and the betrayer gets away with great harm. Betrayers need natural and logical consequences in order to help them ace their inner demons and do the selrefection necessary or genuine, lasting change. Otherwise,
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the ashes o the uncleansed sin and shattered trust smolder beneath the surace only to burst into fame again in another orm or at a later date. I am not saying all aithul spouses are saints and without ault. A marriage is always comprised o two imperect people. Te couple’s pre-aair dynamics may need some degree o adjustment. Although I am tough on the betrayer, I seek to help betrayed partners recognize their own faws and mend the ways they have hurt the straying partner beore the aair. However, I do not allow these aults to be used as excuses or the betrayer’s choice to have an aair. As I said beore, betrayers had other, healthier options to deal with their dissatisactions than by acting out their pain through an aair. In my experience with Successul Couples, unaithul partners do the bulk o the work in the initial, crisis stage o therapy. Tis early eort on the part o betrayers sets the stage or injured spouses to eventually explore their own bothersome attitudes and behaviors that may have contributed to any prior diculties in the marriage. Unsuccessul couples tend to drop out o therapy or smallgroup support once the initial hemorrhaging stops. On the other hand, Successul Couples keep working on their relationships long aer the wounds stop oozing. Tey know that even aer stitches are applied, healing has only begun. Tey must continue to cleanse, protect, and nurture their relationships or the long haul.
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13 Summary Te ollowing list summarizes the qualities o those who are most likely to be successul repairing their marriages aer indelity. Successul Rebuilders: •
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are nondeensive examine their motives or their aairs, without blaming their spouses accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners do not resist breaking o all contact with the aair partner
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show genuine contrition and remorse or what they have done make amends and apologize to loved ones
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apologize oen, especially the rst two years
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listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
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allow their spouses a lot o room to express their eelings
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respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable or recovering
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seek to assure spouses o their love and commitment to delity
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keep no secrets do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the aair are willing to be extremely accountable or their time and activities
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requently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
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are aware o and anticipate triggers o the aair
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are willing to get rid o hurtul reminders o the aair
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don’t minimize the damage the aair had on the children
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commit themselves to a long-term plan or recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
I I had only one word to describe Successul Rebuilders, it would be: HUMILIY. While the scriptures say that love covers a multitude o sins, I believe humility heals a multitude o wounds. Only the sincerely contrite can accept the assignments listed above. Successul Rebuilders embrace their roles as healers. Tey work hard to undo the damage o the aair and make amends. Tey honor the time it takes or their spouses to heal. Tey trust that their eorts to repair their aithul spouses’ hearts will in turn transorm their own hearts and character or the better. Successul Rebuilders welcome the opportunity to become more refective, loving, responsible, and compassionate persons. As a result, they not only heal their partners’ hurts, they resolve their own.
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Appendix: Annotated Bibliography Linda’s personal reviews o helpul books or the unaithul Christian Books:
Who Will You Become? (2007) by Linda J. MacDonald A hard-hitting, challenging book or people in the beginning stages o an aair who’ve lost their ability to be objective about the danger o an outside romance. Tis is my attempt to shake up a hormone-crazed spouse and motivate him/her to wake up and smell the coee beore it’s too late. Also, useul or hurt spouses who want to understand the roles that hormones and rationalizations played in their partners’ aairs. Currently ound on my Web site: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/mini-books.html Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect it (1990, 2005) by Jerry Jenkins Helpul or preventing aairs. Oers practical guidelines or creating or rebuilding healthy boundaries around your marriage and to keep yoursel rom temptation. When a church elder in town shocked everyone by his aair, riends were so shaken, they designed and taught an adult Sunday school class or their church, based on the concepts in this book.
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Steering Clear (2007) by Earl D. Wilson In this book Dr. Wilson presents his program or helping those who are tempted or have succumbed, in a process o true repentance and recovery. Want to “get” what it means to avoid moral pitalls, repent, and recover? Read this book! Perect or the tempted or allen. Restoring the Fallen (1997) by Earl and Sandy Wilson, Paul and Virginia Friesen, Larry and Nancy Paulson Te personal story o how one couple saved their marriage rom the ravages o intimate betrayal. Husband and wie are therapists. erric story. Presents a wonderul model or creating a spiritual care team to help shattered marriages recover. I wish more churches would catch the vision. Both o the Wilson’s books may be ordered rom: www.uStuMinistries.com Unaithul: Rebuilding rust afer Indelity (2005) by Gary & Mona Shriver Realistic and personal story by a couple who weathered and survived an extramarital aair. An easy read or the “selhelp-literature-avoidant” person. I have ound that aithul spouses really appreciate this book and wish their partners would read it to better understand their pain. Faithul and rue (1996) by Mark R. Laaser Te author, a ormer pastor, addresses sexual betrayal and
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sexual addiction rom his personal and proessional experience. A great read with practical help. orn Asunder: Recovering rom Extramarital Aairs (1995) by Dave Carder erric Christian book on the subject o repairing a marriage aer indelity. His newest versions include material on emotional aairs, too. I like his graph on the dierence in recovery timetables or the betrayer and the betrayed. He includes some o Emily Brown’s theories about couple-dynamics that make a marriage vulnerable to an aair. I have had a ew aithul spouses nd these theories oensive because they elt blamed or the aair. However, Dr. Brown’s ramework, which Carder summarizes, is intended to help couples and therapists identiy the “message” o the aair—the relationship dynamics that made the marriage vulnerable to an aair and how to approach repairing the relationship, i possible. Surviving an Aair (1998) by Willard F. Harley Jr., Jennier H. Chalmers Strength o this book is the variety o vignettes that both partners can relate to. He normalizes the jagged process o disengagement rom the aair partner and rebuilding the marriage. Harley is very clear about the need to break o all contact with the aair partner and has practical guidelines or the unaithul. I would rate it as a useul book or couples in the throes o indelity, no matter their religious aith. He has a abulous Web site: www.marriagebuilders.com
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No Stones: Women Redeemed rom Sexual Shame (2002) by Marnie C. Ferree Te only book I have ound that thoroughly addresses the deeper issues or women caught in the throes o sexual addiction. An outstanding resource. Te Five Languages o Apolog y (2006) by Gary Chapman and Jennier Tomas A terric tool or discovering the most eective, meaningul apologies or you and your spouse. I you are stuck in nding what really “works” or your partner, this may oer an overlooked key that unlocks the door to your partner’s heart. Restoring the Pleasure: Complete Step-by-Step Programs to Help Couples Overcome the Most Common Sexual Barriers (1993) by Cliord L. Penner and Joyce J. Penner A helpul reerence or couples who struggle with some orm o sexual diculty or dysunction in their marriages. asteully and expertly presented. How We Love (2008) by Milan & Kay Yerkovich One o the best guides or identiying each person’s love style (known as one’s “love imprint” rom early bonding experiences) and how it impacts marriages. Prooundly helpul.
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Secular Books:
NO “Just Friends”: Rebuilding rust and Recovering Your Sanity afer Indelity (2003) by Shirley Glass Tis is my avorite all-around book on indelity—especially or the hurt spouse. She has a lot o clinical experience working with couples and individuals in the aermath o aairs. She is rm on the stance o “no secrets allowed” i trust is to be rebuilt. In her research, Dr. Glass debunks many o the myths about indelity and includes emotional indelity as a violation o the marital bond. She does a terric job reducing the shame and blame o the betrayed spouse, demonstrating by her research that not everyone who chooses to be unaithul does so because they are in unhappy marriages. I spent 20 hours in an intensive our-day workshop with her and hold her in the highest regard. Afer Te Aair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding rust When a Partner Has Been Unaithul (1996) by Janis A. Spring One o the most notable strengths o this book is that the author does a masterul job o explaining the pain experienced by each spouse, on both sides o the equation. I like her careul approach to rebuilding trust, her cautions about quick orgiveness, and most o her comments about our unrealistic expectations o romance. In her seminars or counseling proessionals, Dr. Spring recommends having each partner read and underline what is meaningul to him/her in the book and then trade books with the other spouse.
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Private Lies: Indelity and Betrayal o Intimacy (1989) by Frank Pittman I attended a workshop by Dr. Pittman and have enjoyed his articles and taped presentations on the topic o indelity. Frank Pittman, a systems-trained psychiatrist, is unny and down to earth. Tis book is pointed and challenges many o the rationalizations that unaithul partners use to justiy their aairs. One unrepentant betrayer called it “the book rom hell” (which was a good thing.) An entertaining read, compared to many sel-help books. Aairs: A Guide to Working Trough the Repercussions o Indelity (1999) by Emily M. Brown I attended Emily Brown’s two-day workshop. I recommend that clinicians read this popular book rst, beore they attempt to read her clinical book, Patterns o Indelity and their reatment . She describes ve types o aairs: Confict Avoidant, Intimacy Avoidant, Split-sel Aairs, Sexual Addict Aairs, and Exit Aairs. Her chapter on a partner’s obsessing is the best I’ve seen. She normalizes the excessive ruminating to a point, yet i prolonged, rames it as the aithul partner “having an aair with the aair.” Te Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook or Dealing with Aairs, Tird Edition (2003) by Peggy Vaughan Peggy has broad experience helping individuals struggling in the aermath o a partner’s aair(s). She weaves her per-
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sonal story throughout the book and makes many helpul points. Peggy stresses the importance o honesty in order to rebuild and improve the marriage. Te author is sometimes misunderstood regarding her notion o committing to honesty instead o promising monogamy. Her point is that mere verbal promises without a commitment to honesty is naive and incomplete. Her Web site, www.dearpeggy.com, is one o the best online. Te Power o Apology (2002) by Beverly Engel. Tis book explains the roadblocks, necessity, and skills needed or giving a meaningul apology. She explains the “three R’s o apology: Regret, Responsibility, and Remedy. An outstanding resource or those seeking an in-depth understanding o what it takes to oer apologies that oended spouses can believe in. Addicted to Adultery (1989) by Richard & Elizabeth Brzeczek, with Sharon DeVita erric story about a ormer Chicago Police Superintendent, the devastation o his aairs, and the story o how he and his wie rebuilt their marriage and started a sel-help recovery group or couples, called WESOM (We Saved Our Marriage).
End Notes
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End Notes Your Marriage Marriag e (New York: Harper Collins, 1. Lana Staheli, “Aair-Proo ” Your 1995) 10, and Bonnie Eaker Weil, Weil, Adultery, Te Forgivable Sin (New York: Hastings House) xxi. Both authors have done their own research as well as drawn upon the t he research o others.
Your Marriage Marriag e (New York: Harper Collins, 2. Lana Staheli, “Aair-Proo ” Your 1995) 10. 3. Shirley Glass, NO “Just Friends” (New York: Te Free Press, 2003) concept o positive mirroring is reerred to on pages 45, 170, 213, 260, while her term, “the positive mirroring o the sel ” was used in her seminars or therapists. 4. http http://video.oxnews.com/v/ ://video.oxnews.com/v/4137820/highlights-rom-tiger 4137820/highlights-rom-tiger-woods-woodspresser (Accessed April 5, 2010). 5. Richard & Elizabeth Brzeczek, Addicted to Adultery (New York: Bantam Books, 1989) 113. 6. Private conversation with Karen Johnson, sta counselor, Hope Chapel, Maui, Hawaii Hawaii (February (Februar y 2000). 7. Earl & Sandy Wilson, Friesen, & Paulson, Restoring the Fallen:
A eam eam Approach to Caring, Conronting & Reconciling (Illinois: Intervarsity Press, 1997) entire book. 8. Shirley Glass, NO “Just Friends” (New York: Te Free Press, 2003) 67, 97.
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9. Pat Love, Te ruth About Love (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2001) 29. 10. Richard & Elizabeth Brzeczek, Addicted to Adultery (New York: Bantam Books, 1989) 135. 11. ranscript o Mark Sanord’s televised conession, www. realclearpolitics.com/.../south_carolina_governor_admits_aair_97171. html (accessed June 29, 2009). 12. Brodsky, Open Exchange Magazine, online archive, www.openexchange.o www .openexchange.org/archives/Class rg/archives/Classics/bradshaw ics/bradshaw.html .html (accessed February 22, 2009). John Bradshaw later claried his statement by distinguishing what he calls “good secrets” (personal space & privacy or bathing, birth, marital sexuality) rom “dangerous “dangerous secrets” (rituals around eating disorders, abuse, betrayal). 13. For a list o Certied Cer tied Sex Se x Addiction Terapists, trained by Pat Carnes’ International Institute or rauma and Addiction Proessionals, visit the organization’s website: www.iitap.com 14. Shirley Glass, NO “Just Friends” (New York: Te Free Press, 2003) 33. Dr Dr.. Glass coined the term, “riend(s) “rien d(s) o the marri marriage. age.” 15. Gayle Haggard, Why I Stayed ( (win win Lakes, L akes, IL: yndale House 2009) 244, 245. 16. Kathleen Miller, M.A., LMF, quoting rom her workshop, What
about Sex? Sponsored by the National Coalition or the Protection o Children & Families, March 6, 2010. 17. Ibid. 18. Ibid, illustration i llustration used by presenter’s presenter’s permission. per mission.
