I'm going to arm you with ten (10) steps to take for any approach you make: Spot a girl you want to talk to DON'T make eye contact Position yourself near her Pre-open her Open her Introduce yourself Engage in some light banter Get some early investment Build some rapport Close and get out, or move things along Any or maybe even all of these you'll be able to bend, break, change around, or do as you like once you've got your own method down and can approach with ease a nd confidence on command... but until you reach that point, you'll want to stick to these like glue. Here they are - the mechanics on how to approach a girl simply, easily, and succ essfully. #1: Spot a Girl You Want to Talk to There is a form of approaching - usually called "mass approaching" or "shotgun o pening" - where you don't bother looking for women you want to meet, and instead you just move through a crowd (usually at a big party or in a bar or nightclub or a very crowded city street or shopping mall) and say hello to and strike up c onversations with every woman you encounter. This usually doesn't work well at all, because your approaches are totally untar geted, and your interaction with each woman is generic and unremarkable. Girls c an tell, and that usually means the end of an interaction. If we take the novice baseball player again, the similar example here would be a guy who just swings wildly at every pitch, eyes closed. You're swinging in the dark. Instead, what you want to do consistently with your approaches is know exactly w hat girl you're walking up to meet. Is it the blonde, or the brunette? The black girl, the Asian girl, or the redhead? Are you trying to talk to that cute girl who's been staring at you, or are you trying to talk to the entire group of peop le she's with? (incidentally, I don't have much love for "group theory" - talk t o the girl you like, not the group of people she's with) #2: DON'T Make Eye Contact If you're an eye contact pro, you can skip this one. If you're anything but that though, it's mandatory. Why no eye contact? Isn't eye contact a part of the flirting process? Why, yes i
t is... but if you don't handle it exactly right, you'll start off your approach in pursuit. You'll be chasing her... and that means you'll be in the disadvanta ged position. Instead of her not knowing how your status relates to ut... or better still, her being the one in the chase s you... she'll have seen you looking at her and will ll now find yourself slotted into the same box as 99% up to her, and you'll be on stage with the microphone impressive.
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Not where you want to be. Instead, skip the eye contact - catch glimpses of her using your peripheral visi on, and close in for the kill (the approach) that way. You can look her in the eyes once the two of you are talking. More on eye contact, if you're interested in the topic: Elite Eye Contact (subtle, advanced-level eye contact strategies) Eye Contact Flirting (on the nuances of doing eye contact right) Eyes That Draw (on using eye contact to get approached by women) #3: Position Yourself Near Her This one's a fun one. Before you can begin talking to her, obviously, you've got to be near her. And it's a lot easier to do this while minding sprezzatura than you might suspec t. I have plenty of stories I can tell you here - about approaching women in nearly -empty venues, where I got up from wherever I was, drifted around for a minute o r so, acted as if I was looking at something interesting, then made my way slowl y back through the area until I walked right by where the girl was. I've taken students out, pointed out a woman for them to approach, had them tell me there was no way they could approach her without it looking awkward, and the n told them exactly how to walk by then suddenly "notice" her there as they were on their way to something else. The main gist is, you focus yourself on something past the girl you want to meet , and start moving towards that - and only as you're about to pass her do you "n otice" her, stop, and proceed to start talking to her. Think this sounds too contrived? It works. I've taken plenty of girls to bed doi ng this, and I've had students replicate it as well. Even more than that though - I initially got it from women themselves. Women are masters at this - whenever you've had women "accidentally" hover nearby you or walk directly into your fie ld of vision, "distractedly" focused on or looking at something else, most of th e time, that's actually intentional. It's an invitation for you to talk to them. This is just that in reverse - you doing it back to women. Only, instead of wait ing for them to engage you, it'll be you who first engages them.
#4: Pre-Open Her If you're not familiar with this term, I very much recommend you check out the a rticle on pre-opening. Then long and short of it is, women open a lot more consistently for you and muc h warmer and friendlier to you when you get them looking at you first. That is to say, if, immediately before you start talking to her, a girl is looki ng at your eyes before you start looking at hers. As covered in that article, there are a couple of ways you can go about this: Give her a firm-but-gentle nudge when next to her (without making eye contac t with her) Leave a lingering touch on her (without making eye contact with her) Glance in her direction, smile, and look away (without making eye contact wi th her) Once you have her attention and she's looking at you, you then return eye contac t with her and begin to speak (deliver your opener). Simple, right? And it takes all of a couple of seconds. But the benefit is, it makes opening worlds easier - both in terms of apprehensi on (you'll feel a lot less nervous about pre-opening first and beginning to talk only once you have her attention than you will about popping in front of her an d laying into your spiel) and in terms of reception (it simply feels a lot more natural, both for her and for you, to open this way - it's warmer, sexier, and m ore personal). If you're not pre-opening already, you need to start - it's an instant success r ate boost. #5: Open Her Here's the part where you actually start talking. There are a variety of openers you can use - some of the articles where we've ta lked about your options here in detail: The Direct Opener (opening with a direct compliment) Easy Opening with Indirect Direct (a combination of humor and direct) Game Openers That'll Get You Girls (a breakdown of the elements of opening) Are You Single? Why to Always Ask Girls This (Ricardus's favorite opener) When to Use Direct Openers Versus Situational Openers (pros and cons) Opening Body Language (how you want to position yourself for opening) How to Use Indirect Game to Get Girls (a post on indirect game that also dis cusses openers to use in conjunction with it)
Short and Sweet Tips for Your Openers (tweaks that up your performance) Troubleshooting Your Opening (figuring out where you're going wrong and corr ecting it) Obviously, there's a fair amount of material here purely on opening alone. approach a girl If you need something simple to get started with though, here's a quick selectio n of things you can say: Hi. (an old standby) How's your day/night going? Excuse me... I saw you standing/sitting/walking here, and I just had to come tell you that you are incredibly cute. Going anywhere exciting? (when waiting for transportation) So what do you think of working at [company name] / going to school at [scho ol name]? (when in class / at the office) Just about anything will serve as an opener, realistically - when I was still fa irly new to approaching girls, in mid-2006 or so, I'd use, "Wow, your earrings a re crazy!" and it would work great for me back then. (Nowadays I think that's a terrible opener, but I really liked it then, and the most important thing about the opener is what you're communicating via your nonverbals, your voice tone, an d other fundamentals - rather than the words you're saying) So pick something you like - something you feel comfortable with - and use that, and you'll almost certainly do fine. #6: Introduce Yourself There is some school of thought in the men's dating advice community that etter for the girl to ask your name than it is for you to just give it to that way you can use it to gauge her interest. To which I say, "Rubbish!" nt to give her your name as soon as possible. You don't need to gauge her st, anyway - whenever you try moving things forward with her, you'll find w interested she is real quick.
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Giving her your name quickly does a couple of good things for you: It breaks the "stranger" barrier and gives you a name - you are now a "real" person to her It makes it clear your intention is not to simply trade a few lines of conve rsation and slip away back into the night, but that you are, rather, interested in genuinely establishing rapport It circumvents the increasingly awkward situation that arises when you get i nto a longer and longer conversation without either of the people knowing one an other's name - believe it or not, you can actually reach a point where it's too awkward to ask you for your name, but it's too awkward to keep talking much long er without knowing it, too. At that point, women usually exit a conversation
Introducing yourself is simple: if you're using a direct opener, introduce yours elf immediately after the opener (before she's even responded) - you additionall y use the introduction to keep things moving and prevent any discomfort if she i sn't sure how to respond to the compliment. That looks like this: Guy: Hi there... I saw you walking here and had to come tell you, I think yo u're really cute. I'm Bill. Girl: Oh! Hi Bill! Guy: And what do they call you? Girl: I'm Amy. Guy: Hi Amy. And, with any other kind of opener, introduce yourself as soon as she contribute s to the conversation in some moderately substantial way. That is, she tells a j oke, or asks you something that's more than just her being polite - anything lik e that. In this way, you cast your introduction as a social reward - you're tell ing her your name because she's contributing to the conversation now, too. That looks like this: Guy: How's your night going? Girl: So so. Guy: Just getting started, huh? Girl: Yeah... we'll see what happens. How's yours? Guy: Give me a Jack-Coke and a little electronic music and I'm good. Girl: Do you like house music? Guy: It's grown on me over the years, yeah. I'm Bill. Girl: I'm Amy. Guy: Hi Amy. (you'll notice the repetition and saying back to her of her name - if this is th e first time you're meeting her, this is a great memory aid; the mind's a lot mo re likely to remember a name the mouth has used at least a few times already tha n one it's merely passively heard) #7: Engage in Some Light Banter While you never want to veer into the realm of comedian and entertainer, and nev er want to make making girls laugh the center point of your approach, a little l ight banter to kickoff a conversation goes a long way. Most women appreciate it - it's a way of communicating that: You're relaxed (nervous men don't banter) You're sociable (humor requires a good understanding of social norms)
You probably won't be a social burden (e.g., you'll listen to her signals) In other words, early banter sets women's minds at ease about you. It helps them open up to you, be receptive to you, and lower their guards to your approach. Light banter can be as simple as picking out one (harmless) thing to give her a gentle ribbing over. Like: You don't think it's a little warm for scarves right now? ... said in a playful tone with a wry, knowing smile on your face. Or: What do you think it says about us that we're a couple of 30 year olds in a p lace full of recent college grads? ... said similarly. This is flirting - but of course, don't go too far and tease girls too much; a l ittle bit here and there is good, but this isn't the foundation of your interact ion. It's just something to get you started, and onto the next step. #8: Get Some Early Investment You want to be getting compliance from the get-go - the more, the better, genera lly. Having women invest in you solidifies their connection to an interaction. If a girl isn't investing, she'll begin to feel like this is a conversation she doesn't want to be in. If she is investing, she'll begin feeling like she wants this thing to move forw ard and she wants to get somewhere with you, instead. Early investment you can get with women includes: Locking in - when you lock in, she's taking the "outside" position to keep t alking to you, which is an investment by her in the interaction Physical compliance - things like having her give you her hand (so you can i nspect her ring or bracelet), lean in (to show you her necklace or earrings or h air coloring), spin around, hand you something, move for you or with you, etc. Deep diving - once you're into deep rapport - and we'll talk about this in # 9, too - and she's telling you about herself, her life, her dreams, her motivati ons, her past, and more, she is working to answer your questions and go into thi ngs about herself she doesn't tell most people. This is investment on her part t oo There are so many different little things you can do to get early investment tha t you can easily pick and choose whichever ones suit you best. The only thing yo u really need to do is remember to get this investment in the first place. #9: Build Some Rapport This is where deep diving really comes into its own. Depending on how you're doing your approaching, you'll want to build either a lo t of rapport, or a little rapport. It breaks down generally like this:
If you approach a girl to get a phone number and set up a date for later, yo u'll only want to build a little rapport - enough to get her interested in talki ng to you, but not so much that there's a big emotional buildup that goes disapp ointingly unreleased when you simply take her number and walk away If you approach a girl on the other hand with the object of making things ha ppen immediately - e.g., you're going to see how far you can take this interacti on today or tonight, and see if you can keep things moving right up until she co mes to your place or you go to her place - then you'll want to get a lot of rapp ort going - as much as you can, really There's a plethora of resources to tap on this site about building rapport: Getting Past Small Talk (for not being stuck in go-nowhere conversation) The Conversationalist (an introduction to being superb at conversations) How to Talk to Girls and Make Them Want You (a thorough how-to) Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred Conversation (mistakes to avoid) Listen to Women Better with Active Listening (showing you're involved and pa ying attention) How to Be Vulnerable, Enchanting, and Alluring to Women (revealing vulnerabi lities and attractive, humanizing qualities about yourself) How to Talk About Yourself on Dates (when talking about yourself) How to Tell a Story that Rivets and Captivates (telling great stories) 20 Ways to Talk to Women and Make It AMAZING (20 key tips) What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her (8 key questions to ask) But if you need the quick and dirty version, here are the main points: You want the women you meet doing most of the talking - not you You want to be feeding back to women the things that they're saying as they talk You want to keep the focus on deep, meaningful things - the "why"s and "how" s about a girl's life, much more so than the "what"s You want to thread-cut bad topics and encourage good ones - things like drea ms, motivations, emotions, desires You want to periodically "come up for air" when discussing heavy topics - sp rinkle a little humor in at times to keep things airy and prevent yourself and t his new girl you've just met from sinking into the depths over overbearing conve rsation. You can do this with chase framing, or any kind of humor you can muster that fits the situation and the conversation You want to keep talking about yourself to a minimum, without being dodgy or evasive - still do talk about yourself, but don't reveal everything when you do , and be mysterious and intriguing You want to continually turn the conversation back to the girl you're talkin
g to - never let the spotlight linger on you for too long (lest she get bored she'd much rather be talking about herself, and that makes things much easier fo r you, too) #10: Close and Get Out, or Move Things Along If you want to avoid our error #4 above - not closing things out well - that mea ns you'll need to be moving quickly and capitalizing on a good interaction, by d oing one of two things: Proposing the two of you meet again (a date), grabbing her contact details, and saying goodbye, or Deciding you're going to see how far you can go with her right now, and gett ing things moving - to sitting down somewhere to talk first, and back to your pl ace or her place a little later In many situations - at work; at school; at some social function where she knows a lot of people and can't quietly slip away - the second option is going to be impractical, and you'll normally have to settle for proposing a date and grabbin g her contact information. And that's fine. Other times, you might approach a gi rl expressly with the purpose of trying to pull her home with you then and there - at a bar, for instance, or on the street. Either of these options is very okay, so long as you take one of them. Don't rui n a great interaction by hanging around too long past the point where you're sup posed to squeeze the trigger and make things happen. It's common in newer guys to reach that point - to hit the escalation window - w here they know they're supposed to do something, but they get nervous about swit ching gears, so they stay doing what's comfortable - continuing to talk to this girl they have some great rapport going on with. But an interaction with a new g irl is something that's in constant motion - and if you aren't too, you'll soon be left behind. Here's a general rule and hard limit to help keep you focused and effective in y our approaches: by the 10-minute mark, you must either propose a date, trade num bers, and leave, OR you must invite this girl to sit with you or (if you're on t he street or in a mall) come join you for a coffee / hot chocolate / ice cream. approach a girl If you're meeting her on the street, you'll usually want to cut this down to abo ut 5 minutes maximum. If she's a girl you're talking to in class, at work, or at a social convention, and both of you are already sitting down, you can bump thi s up to about 15 minutes, assuming you both have the time. Make sure you're closed out or escalating things on up by that time, and you'll keep the pace brisk - and her interest in you, and desire to do things again wit h you in the future, warm. How to Approach a Girl Anywhere: Recap We just covered a lot of information on a process that's going to last all of 10 minutes, maximum. The idea is though, by going in-depth on each of these steps, you can get yourself consistently hitting pitches out of the park - or at least batting singles, and making it to first base without standing around waiting to be tagged out.
To review, here are the 4 big mistakes that most commonly hamper a man's approac h: Waiting for the "right moment" Not being aggressive enough Being TOO aggressive Not closing things out well ... and here are the 10 steps to take with every approach you make, anywhere: Spot a girl you want to talk to DON'T make eye contact Position yourself near her Pre-open her Open her Introduce yourself Engage in some light banter Get some early investment Build some rapport Close and get out, or move things along
