How to t o Ap Appr proa oach ch a Gir Girll Wherever Wh erever You Are (Eas (Easil ily) y) girlschase.com/content/how-approach-girl-wherever-you-are-easily girlschase.com /content/how-approach-girl-wherever-you-are-easily Lately I've been noticing a fair amount of guys discussing difficult diff iculty y a pproa ching women while while lo oking smoo smooth th and effortl eff ortless ess . Some o f the the time, they' they're re ending up not approa chin ching g girls they like at all, because they can't find the "right angle" or they're waiting for the "right moment," and that moment never comes. App roac hing girls gi rls is a bit of o f an art, a rt, but how to app a pp roac h a girl is not - that you can boil down to distinct bits, pieces, and learnable, learn able, repeatable steps. However, it's also a topic that's shrouded in a lot of general, generic advice and scads of "Just do this [hard-sounding thing] and the girl is yours!" Before we get into the mechanics on how to approach a girl, a few articles to recommend checking out if you haven't already done so (or, are in need of a refresher): We'll be using and referring to these principles here - if you're vague or unfamiliar with any of them, make sure you give these a look. That in mind, let's get you armed up with a process for app roaching that that takes adv ant antag age e o f the the situation situation and th the e environmen envir onmentt and has you meeting meeting g ir irls ls as easily a s po ssible, as smoothly as possible, and with the best end point possible (the girls you meet wanting to meet up with you again and exchanging contact details with you - or better). And we'll we 'll do all th that at with the the 4 b ig mistak mistakes es th that at men me n make mak e when approa ap proa ching - and th the e 10 steps to take to have hav e a near-pe rf rfect ect app roach.
There are four (4) categories of mistakes the average guy makes in his approaching - and there's no need to feel bad about it if you catch yourself doing them, as they're all quite common. The categories are: 1.
Waiting fo r the "Right "Right Moment" Mo ment"
2.
Not Bei Being ng Aggressive Aggressive Enough
3.
Being Bei ng T OO Aggressive
4.
Not Cl Clo o si sing ng Thin T hings gs Out Wel Welll
We'll take a brief look at each of these categories and how they can trip you up just below.
# 1: Waiting f or t he "Right Moment" Are there really s ome moments and some angle s that are better for a pproac hing women than others? Yes, there certainly are. Is it prudent to wait for these when you're still learning how to approach a girl? No, it certainly is not. Why not though? What it comes down to is the expert eye. Throw a pro baseball player up at bat, and he can sit back and not swing at pitches he knows aren't good. But then, when a great pitch comes along, he spots it a mile away and swings and connects and knocks it out over the fence. Throw a rookie up at bat though, and tell him it's fine to sit back and wait for the right pitch to come along, and he'll collect strike outs all day long. What's the difference? The pro's already paid his due and swung at thousands of different pitches - and his brain's learned how to tell the difference. The rookie may think he knows - but he doesn't... otherwise, he wouldn't pass up so many choice pitches. There's another problem with rookies too: Self-doubt, Seco nd thoughts, and Hesitation. That means, even if a rookie thinks he's seeing a good pitch, his brain switches into gear and asks, "Wait - is this actually a good pitch? Or is it a bad pitch and I'm mistaking it for a good one? Maybe I ought to just hold off on this one and see ." And whoo sh - another g reat pitch go es screaming by. The expert eye isn't just about screening bad angles and moments out. It's also about screening good angles and good moments in, and capitalizing on them. When you're still relatively new - even if you're intermediate you haven't developed either the eye OR the capacity for snapping into action after sitting and waiting. Nothing is really "clear" to you until you've swung at thousands of pitches (or, approached thousands of women). So, until you have several thousand approaches under your belt, remember this: you do not have the luxury of waiting for the "right moment." Find the right girl - the one you want to approach - and just approach (we'll talk more about the mechanics of app roaching be low). And worry abo ut the d etails later.
# 2: Not Being Aggressive Enough If you ask me, this is one of the biggest problems men face in sorting out how to approach a girl properly - they finally muster up the s teel to go meet so me p retty girl, and then they, a b ig ball o f nerves, throw the b all c ontinually in her court and leave it up to her to figure out what happens. Bad mix for successful approaching. Here's what an unaggressive (bad) approach look s like:
Guy: Hi there... I saw you walking here and had to come tell you, I think you're really cute. I'm Bill. Girl: Oh! Hi Bill! Guy: So, uh... what are you up to today? Girl: I was just on my way to meet some friends for lunch. Guy: Cool. [awkward pause] Girl: ... and what are you doing out here on the street? Guy: Oh, I'm just going to meet some friends too. Girl: Okay. [awkward pause] Well, I guess I should go. Guy: Okay - see you!
Now, pa using, p roperly used, is g ood (see: "Using the Pregnant Pause "). Awkward pa using, however, is bad ... and plenty of guys do it plenty. That's usually because they're nervous with women - which is understandable; they're inexperienced. But it doe sn't help their approac hing a ny. Instead, your aim when approaching a girl needs to be to move things along smoothly and briskly - from first meet to contact detail exchange (or invitation to accompany you some where on an instant date, if you're using one). We'll get into doing this a lot more effectively below when we discuss building an approach process you can lean on to consistently mee t girls ea sily - for now, I want to point out the error that if you're continually throwing the ball in the girl's court, it usually won't go anywhere. You're the man. You must lead.
# 3: Being T OO Aggressive This one's less common, though you'll see it more frequently with darker skinned guys - black guys, Latinos, Mediterranean guys, and men from India and the Middle East. Like not being aggressive enough, be ing T OO aggressive is also a rookie mistake - although it's a better rookie mistake than a lack of aggression, because the failure here comes through trying hard and not succeeding, rather from not trying out of nervousness o r fear (and, co nsequently, having a harder time really k nowing where the mistake is and not improving as quickly). Being too aggressive in how you approach a girl can range anywhere from the very first thing you say to her, like catcalls -
“Damn, girl, that is one fine set of legs you got on you! Come on over here and say hello - don't be shy!”
Or it can be things you say to her during the conversation -
Guy: What's your name, baby? Girl: Tiff any. Guy: Tiffany... that is a beautiful name, like a Tiffany's necklace. Your mama picked that name out for you? Girl: Ac tually, it was my grandmother's.
Guy: All right, all right. So what's a gorgeous girl like you doing sitting all by her lonesome in a coffee shop like this? Girl: I'm just taking a break from work... that's all. Guy: Work? Let me tell you... a woman who looks like you should be IMMUNE from having to work! It's a CRIME that you should have to work! But where do you work, anyway? Girl: You know, I'd really just rather relax a little bit and have my coffee and then get back to work. Sorry... I'm just not in a very social mood today. Guy: Okay, I get you, it's all right. Tell you what, why don't you and me plan on meeting up again when you ARE in a more social mood - say after work tonight or tomorrow? Girl: I can't. Sorry. It was nice meeting you! Guy: Okay, okay. I'll talk to you later, girl. Oh, but actuallyGirl: No - I really can't. Guy: Okay, okay. Later.
Here, the error is in be ing too forward ab out how impress ed you are with her / her look s, e tc., without her having done anything to earn that kind of reception yet. There's no "courtship dance" here - it's more like a courtship bludgeoning. This doe s work sometimes but only with girls who were sold on you before you ever said "hello," and normally only with women who are lower than you on the looks and status scales. By being too aggressive, you won't miss out on dating entirely, like the guy who isn't aggressive enough often will but you will most likely end up only dating down. We'll talk more about being smooth in your approach when we get into details later in this post.
# 4: Not Closing Things Out Well Ever approach a girl and have things go great, only to have the end drag out and drag out to the point the whole interaction ende d up ruined? That's a failure to clo se things o ut well.
It's great when you hit the ball hard and send it flying out over the field, but if you just stand there at home plate holding onto the bat, you're going to end up "out." You've got to close things out quickly and properly after you hit the ball - drop the bat and run for first base. Same deal with approaching. If you pull off a great approach, and you aren't used to doing this, you may well end up standing around amazed and impressed with yourself. "Wow - I'm in a really good conversation with a really hot girl!" Stay too impresse d too long though and yo u'll end up like the g uy who just stands there holding the bat watching the ball he hit soar up over the field. When the ball comes back down and they throw it to home, he's going to be "out." And when the a pproac h has run its c ourse and you've dawdled for too long and not clo sed things out (either by getting the girl's phone number or by moving her somewhere to sit down or do something together or grab some food or a drink), it can very much end up being like hanging around too long at home plate marveling over your hit. While the girl yo u're talking to won't exactly b e throwing ba seb alls a t your head, she will feel that the interaction has reached a natural end point... and then not ended. It'll go from good to too long to awkward and uncomfortable. She'll have bee n expect ing you'd ask her out and ask her for her number... but t hen when the t ime fo r that has passed a nd it hasn't happened she'll have switched to dreading it (as an uncomfortable, awkward situation) instead. (The awkwardness comes from her thinking you were an amazing, fascinating guy right up until the escalation window getting miss ed, then her thinking increasingly that actually y ou're a nervous guy who d oesn't know how to do things p roperly with women a nd it makes her think anything with you going forward will be similarly awkward - bad scenario) How do y ou know the right time to e nd an a pproa ch and c lose things out with a phone number o r moving this girl you've just met onto the next stage of the interaction? Let's have a look.
If you've read those articles referenced at the start of this post, you know you'll typically want to incorporate into your approaches the following qualities: 1. You act decis ively to mee t women and brush past any nervousness o r hesitation 2. You move fast and smartly while in an interaction with wome n, and don't let things hang unnecessarily 3. You're focused on ge tting results - compliance, investment, phone numbers, d ates - and not worried quite as much about reactions (laughing, flirting, teasing, etc.) 4. You're aware of the fragility of attraction and attraction's ex piration date, and that pushing things off into the future often means you don't get them 5. You're aware that your attractiveness is in large p art results minus effort - how big is y our impac t on how little effort So how do all that? I'm going to arm you with ten (10) steps to take for any approach you make: 1.
Spot a girl you want t o t alk to
2.
DON'T make eye cont act
3.
Posit ion yourself near her
4.
Pre-open her
5.
Open her
6.
Introduce yourself
7.
Engage in some light banter
8.
Get some early investment
9.
Build some rappo rt
10.
Close and get out , or move things along
Any o r maybe even all of these you'll b e able to bend, brea k, change around, o r do as you like once you've go t your own method down and c an approac h with eas e a nd confidence on command... but until you reach that point, you'll want to stick to these like glue. Here they are - the mechanics on how to approach a girl simply, easily, and successfully.
# 1: Spot a Girl You Want t o Talk t o There is a form of approaching - usually called "mass approaching" or "shotgun opening" - where you don't bother looking for women you want to meet, and instead you just move through a crowd (usually at a big party or in a bar or
nightclub or a very crowded city street or shopping mall) and say hello to and strike up conversations with every woman you encounter. This usually doesn't work well at all, because your approaches are totally untargeted, and your interaction with each woman is g eneric and unremarkab le. Girls ca n tell, and that usually me ans the end o f an interaction. If we take the novice baseball player again, the similar example here would be a guy who just swings wildly at every pitch, eyes closed. You're swinging in the dark. Instead, what you want to d o c onsistently with your approac hes is know exa ctly what girl you're walking up to mee t. Is it the blo nde, o r the b runette? The black g irl, the Asian girl, o r the redhead ? Are yo u trying to talk to that cute girl who's bee n staring a t you, or a re you trying to talk to the entire g roup of people she's with? (incidentally, I don't have much love for "group theory" - talk to the girl you like, not the group of people she's with)
# 2: DON'T Make Eye Cont act If you're an eye contact pro, you can skip this one. If you're anything but that though, it's mandatory. Why no e ye contact? Isn't eye contact a p art of the flirting p rocess? Why, yes it is... but if you don't handle it exactly right, you'll start off your approach in pursuit. You'll be chasing her ... and that means you'll be in the disadvantaged position. Instead of her not knowing how your status relates to hers, and having to find out... or better still, her being the one in the chase position, trying to impress you... she'll have seen you looking at her and will see you approach, and you'll now find yourself slotted into the sa me box as 99% of the other men who walk up to her, and you'll be on stage with the microphone doing your very best to be impressive. Not where you want to be. Instead, skip the eye contact - catch glimpses of her using your peripheral vision, and close in for the kill (the approach) that way. You can look her in the eyes once the two of you are talking. More on eye contact, if you're interested in the topic:
# 3: Posit ion Yourself Near Her This one's a fun one. Before you can begin talking to her, obviously, you've got to be near her. And it's a lot e asier to do this while minding sprez z atura than you might susp ect. I have plenty of stories I can tell you here - about approaching women in nearly-empty venues, where I got up from whereve r I was, drifted around for a minute or so , acted a s if I was loo king a t something interesting, then made my way slo wly bac k through the a rea until I walked right by where the girl was. I've take n students out, pointed o ut a woman for them to a pproa ch, had them tell me there was no way they co uld app roach her without it looking a wkward, and then told them e xactly how to walk by then sudd enly "notice" her there as they were on their way to something else. The main gist is, you focus yourself on something past the girl you want to meet, and start moving towards that - and only as you're about to pass her do you "notice" her, stop, and proceed to start talking to her. Think this sounds too contrived? It works. I've taken plenty of girls to bed doing this, and I've had students replicate it as well. Even more than that though - I initially g ot it from women themselves. Women are ma sters a t this whenever you've had women "accidentally" hover nearby you or walk directly into your field of vision, "distractedly" focused on or lo oking a t something e lse, most of the time, that's actually intentional. It's an invitation for you to talk to them.
This is just that in reverse - you doing it back to women. Only, instead of waiting for them to engage you, it'll be you who first engages them.
# 4: Pre-Open Her If you're not familiar with this term, I very much recommend you check out the article on pre-opening . Then long and short of it is, women open a lot more consistently for you and much warmer and friendlier to you when you get them looking at you first. That is to s ay, if, immediately before y ou start talking to her, a girl is looking at your eyes before you start looking at hers. As covered in that article, there are a couple of ways you can go about this: Give her a firm- but- gentle nudge when next to her (without making eye contact with her) Leave a lingering touch on her (without making eye contact with her) Glance in her direction, smile, and look away (without making eye contact with her) Once you have her attention and she's looking at you, you then return eye contact with her and begin to speak (deliver your opener). Simple, right? And it takes all of a couple of seconds. But the benefit is, it makes opening worlds easier - both in terms of apprehension (you'll feel a lot less nervous about pre-opening first and beginning to talk only once you have her attention than you will about popping in front of her and laying into your spiel) and in terms of reception (it simply feels a lot more natural, both for her and for you, to open this way - it's warmer, sexier, and more personal). If you're not pre-opening already, you need to start - it's an instant success rate boost.
# 5: Open Her Here's the p art where you actually start talking. There are a variety of openers you can use - some of the articles where we've talked about your options here in detail: Obviously, there's a fair amount of material here purely on opening alone.
If you need something simple to get started with though, here's a quick selection of things you can say: Hi. (an old standby) How's your day/night going? Excuse me... I saw you standing/sitting/walking here, a nd I just had to come tell you that you are incredib ly cute. Going anywhere exciting? (when waiting for transportation) So what do you think of working at [company name] / going to school at [school name]? (when in class / at the office) Just about anything will serve as an opener, realistically - when I was still fairly new to approaching girls, in mid2006 or so, I'd use, " Wow, yo ur earrings are craz y!" and it would work grea t for me bac k then. (Nowada ys I think that's a terrible opener, but I really liked it then, and the most important thing about the opener is what you're communicating via your nonverbals, your voice tone, and other fundamentals - rather than the words you're saying) So pick something you like - something you feel comfortable with - and use that, and you'll almost certainly do fine.
# 6: Int roduce Yourself There is so me sc hool o f thought in the men's d ating a dvice c ommunity that it's better for the girl to ask your name than it is for you to just give it to her - that way yo u can use it to gauge her interes t. To which I say, "Rubbish!" You want to give her your name as soon as possible. You don't need to gauge her interest, anyway - whenever you try moving things forward with her, you'll find out how interested she is real quick. Giving her your name quickly does a couple of good things for you: It breaks the "stranger" barrier and gives you a name - you are now a "real" person to her It makes it clear your intention is not to simply trade a few lines of conversation and slip away back into the
night, b ut that you a re, rather, interested in genuinely e stablishing rap port It circumvents the increas ingly awkward situation that arises when you get into a longer a nd longe r conversation without either of the people knowing one another's name - believe it or not, you can actually reach a point where it's too awkward to ask you for your name, but it's too awkward to keep talking much longer without knowing it, too. At that point, women usually exit a conversation Introducing y ourself is simple : if you're using a direct op ener, introduce yourself immediately after the opener (before she's even responded) - you additionally use the introduction to keep things moving a nd prev ent any disc omfort if she isn't sure how to resp ond to the co mpliment. That looks like this:
Guy: Hi there... I saw you walking here and had to come tell you, I think you're really cute. I'm Bill. Girl: Oh! Hi Bill! Guy: And what do they call you? Girl: I'm Amy. Guy: Hi Amy.
And, with any other kind of opener, introduce yourself as soon as she contributes to the conversation in some moderately substantial way. That is, she tells a joke, or asks you something that's more than just her being polite - anything like that. In this way, you cast your introduction as a social reward - you're telling her your name because she's contributing to the conversation now, too. That looks like this:
Guy: How's your night going? Girl: So so. Guy: Just getting started, huh? Girl: Yeah... we'll see what happens. How's yours? Guy: Give me a Jack-Coke and a little electronic music and I'm good. Girl: Do you like house music? Guy: It's grown on me over the years, yeah. I'm Bill. Girl: I'm Amy. Guy: Hi Amy.
(you'll notice the rep etition and s aying bac k to her o f her name - if this is the first time you're mee ting her, this is a great memory aid; the mind's a lot more likely to remember a name the mouth has used at least a few times already than one it's merely passively heard)
# 7: Engage in Some Light Bante r While yo u never want to v eer into the rea lm of co median and e ntertainer, and neve r want to make making girls laugh the center point of your approach, a little light banter to kickoff a conversation goes a long way. Most women appreciate it - it's a way of communicating that:
1. You're relaxed (nervous men don't banter) 2. You're socia ble (humor requires a go od understanding of social norms) 3. You proba bly won't be a so cial burden (e.g., you'll listen to her signals) In other words, early banter sets women's minds at ease about you . It helps them open up to you, be receptive to you, and lower their guards to your approach. Light banter can be as simple as picking out one (harmless) thing to give her a gentle ribbing over. Like:
“You don't think it's a little warm for scarves right now?”
... said in a playful tone with a wry, knowing smile on your face. Or:
“What do you think it says about us that we're a couple of 30 year olds in a place full of recent college grads?”
... said similarly. This is flirting - but of course, don't go too far and tease girls too much; a little bit here and there is good, but this isn't the foundation of your interaction. It's just something to get you started, and onto the next step.
# 8: Get Some Early Invest ment You want to be getting compliance from the get-go - the more, the better, generally. Having women inves t in you so lidifies their connection to an interaction. If a girl isn't investing, she'll begin to feel like this is a conversation she doesn't want to be in. If she is investing, she'll b egin feeling like she wants this thing to move forward a nd she wants to ge t somewhere with you, instead. Early investment you can get with women includes: Locking in - when you lock in, she's taking the "outside" position to keep talking to you, which is an investment by her in the interaction Physical compliance - things like having her give you her hand (so you can inspect her ring or bracelet), lean in (to show you her necklace or earrings or hair coloring), spin around, hand you something, move for you or with you, etc. Deep diving - once you're into deep rapport - and we'll talk about this in #9, too - and she's telling you about herself, her life, her dreams, her motivations, her past, and more, she is working to answer your questions and go into things about herself she doesn't tell most people. This is investment on her part too There are so many different little things you can do to get early investment that you can easily pick and choose whichever ones suit you best. The only thing you really need to do is remember to get this investment in the first place.
# 9: Build Some Rapport This is where deep diving really comes into its own. Depending on how you're doing your approaching, you'll want to build either a lot of rapport, or a little rapport. It
breaks down generally like this: If you approach a girl to get a phone number and set up a date for later, you'll only want to build a little rapport - enough to get her interested in talking to y ou, but not so much that there's a b ig emotional buildup that goes disappointingly unreleased when you simply take her number and walk away If you approach a girl on the other hand with the object of making things happen immediately - e.g., you're going to see how far you can take this interaction today or tonight, and see if you can keep things moving right up until she comes to yo ur place or you go to her place - then you'll want to get a lot of rapport going as much as you can, really There's a plethora of resources to tap on this site about building rapport: But if you need the quick and dirty version, here are the main points: 1. You want the women you meet doing mo st of the talking - not you 2. You want to be feeding back to women the things that they're sa ying as they talk 3. You want to keep the focus on de ep, meaningful things - the "why"s and " how"s abo ut a girl's life, much more so than the "what"s 4. You want to thread - cut bad topics and enco urage goo d ones - things like drea ms, motivations, emotions, desires 5. You want to period ically "c ome up for air" when discussing hea vy topic s - sprinkle a little humor in at times to keep things airy and prevent yourself and this new girl you've just met from sinking into the depths over overbearing c onversation. You can do this with chase framing, or any kind of humor you can muster that fits the situation and the conversation 6. You want to keep talking ab out yourself to a minimum, without being d odg y or eva sive - still do talk a bout yourself, but don't reveal everything when you do, and be mysterious and intriguing 7. You want to continually turn the conversation back to the girl yo u're talking to - never let the spotlight linger on you for too long (lest she get bored - she'd much rather be talking about herself, and that makes things much easier for you, too)
# 10: Close and Ge t Out, or Move T hings Along If you want to avoid our error #4 above - not closing things out well - that means you'll need to be moving quickly and capitalizing on a good interaction, by doing one of two things: Proposing the two of you meet again (a date), grabbing her contact details, and saying goodbye, or Deciding you're going to see how far you can go with her right now, and getting things moving - to sitting down somewhere to talk first, and back to your place or her place a little later In many situations - at work; at school; at some social function where she knows a lot of people and can't quietly slip away - the second option is going to be impractical, and you'll normally have to settle for proposing a date and grabb ing her co ntact information. And that's fine. Other times, you might ap proach a girl ex pressly with the purpos e of trying to p ull her home with you then and there - at a bar, for instance, or on the street. Either of these options is very okay, so long as you take one of them. Don't ruin a great interaction by hanging around too long past the point where you're supposed to squeeze the trigger and make things happen. It's common in newer guys to reach that point - to hit the escalation window - where they know they're supposed to do something, but they get nervous about switching gears, so they stay doing what's comfortable - continuing to talk to this girl they have some great rapport going on with. But an interaction with a new girl is something that's in co nstant motion - and if yo u aren't too, you'll s oon b e left behind.
Here's a general rule and hard limit to help keep you focused and effective in your approaches: by the 10-minute mark, you must either propose a date, trade numbers, and leave, OR you must invite this girl to sit with you or (if you're on the street or in a mall) come join you for a coffee / hot chocolate / ice cream. If you're meeting her on the street, you'll usually want to cut this down to about 5 minutes maximum. If she's a girl you're talking to in class, at work, or at a social convention, and both of you are already sitting down, you can bump this up to abo ut 15 minutes, assuming you bo th have the time. Make sure you're closed out or escalating things on up by that time, and you'll keep the pace brisk - and her interest in you, and desire to do things again with you in the future, warm.
How to Approach a Girl Anywhere : Recap We just cove red a lot of information on a process that's going to last all of 10 minutes, maximum. The idea is though, by going in-depth on each of these steps, you can get yourself consistently hitting pitches out of the park - or at least batting singles, and making it to first base without standing a round waiting to b e tagged out. To review, here are the 4 big mistakes that most commonly hamper a man's approach: 1. Waiting for the "right moment" 2. Not being aggres sive enough 3. Being TOO aggressive 4. Not closing things out well ... and here are the 10 steps to take with every approach you make, anywhere: 1. Spo t a girl yo u want to talk to 2. DON'T make eye contact 3. Position yourself near her 4. Pre- ope n her 5. O pen her 6. Introd uce yourself 7. Engage in some lig ht banter 8. Get some early investment 9. Build some rappo rt 10. Close and ge t out, or move things along Follow those steps, and you won't have to worry about waiting for the right moment, your levels of aggressiveness will be handled automatically, and you'll know to close things out (or get her moving) as soon as you hit your time limit for an interaction. Follow those steps, and you get to be a breath of fresh air for all the women tired of being approached by men who aren't following those steps... and are making those big mistakes we talked about not making, instead. Many happy approaches, Chase Amante
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