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“Every weekend I go out to bars and parties and freeze every time I see a good looking guy Iʼm interested in. I just canʼt bring myself to approach them even when I think I have half a chance. How do I get over this paralyzing fear? Am I going to end up alone beating off to porn for the rest of my life?”
-- An email from a reader to my advice column
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Contents Introduction
Identifying The Fears You Need To Overcome
Reframing Your Inner Dialogue
Mastering Your Inner Game
Letting Go Of The Outcome
Getting Competent At Irresistible Conversation Skills
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Introduction For the longest time, I couldnʼt meet a man if he was gasping for air and I was the only guy with an oxygen tank. Iʼd go out to the bars locked, cocked and ready to rock and left limp, lame and ready to quit. It didnʼt help that I had friends who were walking man-magnets. Like Anthony. Not particularly good-looking, but walks into a bar and picks up the cutest guy there. I remember thinking, “Whatʼs he got that I donʼt? Whatʼs he doing that Iʼm not?”
Anthony once explained that smiling accounted for a good deal of his luck. Our conversation went something like this: But I donʼt FEEL like smiling, Anthony. Well, neither do I. But nobody ever picked up a guy with a frown. So what are you saying, that youʼre faking it? YES. So, you want me to pretend Iʼm having a good time? Howʼs the frown working?”
I tried but it didnʼt help. Looking back, I realized I operated under the same assumptions you probably do now. I call them the Big Gay Lies:
1) All Gay Men Look At You If Theyʼre Interested. If they donʼt send a signal, donʼt bother.
2) Theyʼre Either Attracted To You Or Theyʼre Not. Youʼre in or out. End of story.
3) Gay Guys Are Beauty Nazis. If you donʼt have the look, you donʼt stand a chance.
It was excruciating for me to approach guys. Which is a problem. Unless youʼre in a cruisy bar, most guys donʼt broadcast their desires. In fact, the more a guy is into you, the cooler he tends to play it. Which sets up a dating Catch-22: If the guys attracted to you act like the guys who arenʼt, how are you supposed to tell the difference? Itʼs enough to drive you crazy. And break your heart. Because the difference between a smooth take-off and a crash landing depends on what you say and who you say it to. Like the time I gathered up all my courage and approached a guy I was hopelessly enamored with. Just when I thought I was getting somewhere, he walked away. As I was talking.
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I was so humiliated I never approached another guy unless he showed interest first. I wanted to, but I was like one of those little red balls with the string attached to the paddle. Desire whacked me into the sky; fear brought me back at twice the speed.
My love life was now completely dependent on the returned look, the occasional glance. And then a bomb dropped. I had this huge crush on a guy named Rick. Met him through friends. For years, we were Greeting Buddies who never said more than hello. One night, I was out late when Rick walked in. I donʼt know what came over me (other than the vodka) but I marched right up to him, whispered in his ear and practically ran for the exit. Just as I reached the door, I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Was that some kind of joke?” he asked.
I squirmed, waiting for him to say, “Do you honestly believe that Iʼd ever be attracted to you?” Instead, he said, “Iʼm the one whoʼs had a crush on you all these years.”
Once the euphoria wore off, I was left with disturbing questions: How could I miss the clues that a handsome guy liked me? How many other guys were out there who wanted to date (or have sex) but didnʼt show it? How many guys would I lose out on because I believed in the Big Gay Lies?
From that day on, I swore there would never be another Rick in my life. I would find out how to approach and hold a conversation with guys whether they showed interest or not. I had only one rule: No manipulation. No sales or high-pressure techniques. I wanted to do it authentically, without having to drink, drug, bribe, or kidnap them. Or worse, stay till closing time and wait for the last-call yard sale. Yes, I wanted to bring home the bacon without hitting it over the head with a frying pan.
So, I went on a mission. I went back to the Anthonys in my life—the friends who could walk into a bar, a club, a coffee shop and leave with a number, a hope or a man. I asked them what worked, what didnʼt, and how to handle rejection. I talked to psychologists, sociologists and body language experts. I watched, I observed, I researched. I studied, learned, revised. I lathered, rinsed, repeated.
I got so good I started coaching guys on the art of attraction. Since there werenʼt any gay books on the subject, I flipped through the straight ones. It made me wonder, would the techniques straight people use to attract each other work for gay guys? 5
So, I gathered up a bunch of students and we designed field tests that would answer a main question: Is there a ʻsystemʼ to picking up dateable guys?
With the plan complete, off we went into the wild blue yonder of bars, clubs, parties, and coffee houses. What worked? What didnʼt? Itʼs all in the book, Meet The Hottie In The Corner--The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.
Many of the details in this eReport youʼre reading are taken from “Meet The Hottie.” Now that you have the background, letʼs talk about getting rid of your fear of rejection…
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Identifying The Fears You Need To Overcome
Approach anxiety is a crippling condition that happens when a man is confronted by the prospect of approaching an attractive man. Itʼs not unusual to get sweaty palms, increased heart rate, shortness of breath and a lump in your throat (not to mention your pants!).
If you donʼt learn to get rid of approach anxiety, or speaking more strictly, a fear of rejection, your love life is going to be stuck in the basement, with only porn as your diversion.
The best way to overcome these fears, the sources of your anxiety, is to bring them out the unconscious darkness into the light of conscious awareness. That way we can start taking them apart and replacing them with new beliefs. What stops you from meeting a good-looking guy?
A. Rejection & Ridicule Even if your guy rejects you nicely, a no is a NO. The thought of him looking for something better as youʼre talking or excusing himself from the conversation is too much to bear. What if he walks away as youʼre talking? What if everybody sees it? These are real possibilities, after all. You might be ignored. Worse, MOCKED. The potential for a negative emotional outcome is high, especially if you donʼt know what to say or how to act.
B. Loss. You might ruin everything by being too try-hard. What if he is interested but you ruin it by coming off as a bumbling loser or a crass jerk? Better to wait. The thought of making a wrong move triggers a fear of catastrophic loss.
C. Self-esteem Better to leave with your self-esteem intact than to take the chance that heʼll crush it under his heel. Thatʼs when you start making excuses like, “heʼs probably got a
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boyfriend,” “Iʼm not his type anyway,” “Heʼs probably a jerk.” Anything to justify your inaction.
These fears manifest themselves in self-sabotaging thoughts that talk you out of taking a chance. Like:
• “I wonʼt know what to say” • “Remember the last time I tried to approach a guy?” • “He probably has a boyfriend.” • “He wouldnʼt be interested in me anyway” • “I donʼt want to interrupt him” • “Itʼs too loud in here. He wonʼt hear me.” • “People watching will make fun of me.” • “Why bother? It wonʼt work out anyway.”
Sound familiar? Itʼs probably a tape that gets played in your mind every time you go out. With an endless loop.
So, now that youʼve identified your fears, how do you get rid of them?
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Reframing Your Inner Dialogue
To get rid of approach anxiety/fear of rejection, convince yourself that your beliefs are false and self-sabotaging. Inject rational thought into the debate.
For instance, letʼs say your fear is that he wonʼt hear you in a loud club. The rational mind would say, “Itʼs plausible. So I need to speak loudly and slowly. And if he doesnʼt hear me, Iʼll repeat it with a smile.”
Another example: “Iʼm too nervous.”
Your rational mind would say, “Who wouldnʼt be? But I can push through it. In the past, nervous energy actually helped me get what I wanted.”
So hereʼs your homework: Get out a piece of paper. Write your fears down on the left side and the rational argument on the right. Hereʼs a tip: Use the word you in the fear-based beliefs and the words I or me in the rational response. Itʼll help you disassociate yourself from the fear and attach yourself to the empowerment.
Example:
Fear
People will make fun of you
Rational Empowerment They wonʼt be able to hear me. And Iʼm going to be so friendly and unassuming that even if they did hear or see me, theyʼll just think Iʼm being friendly.
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Mastering Your Inner Game
Rational thinking isnʼt enough. You have to actually change the way youʼre processing your beliefs. Hereʼs how:
Making Over Negative Dialogue You know that voice in your head that says things to keep you fearful? Youʼre going to change its volume, pitch, tempo and timbre. Youʼre going to make it quieter and further away, grammatically incorrect, halting and stammering. You can even personify it with a voice of somebody you donʼt like.
Then, weʼre going to replace the dialogue with a rational empowering voice thatʼs louder, stronger, lower-pitched, and calm. And personify it with the voice of somebody that you respect and admire.
Example:
Fear
Rational Empowerment Replacement
“Whatʼs the use? He wouldnʼt be interested in you.”
“How do I know that? Iʼve had lots of experiences of guys who didnʼt seem interested at first, but when on to really like me.”
Voice: Squeaky, barely
Voice: LOUD. Low-pitched, calm,
audible, bad grammar, reminds you of Pee Wee Herman.
certain, confident. Reminds you of George Clooney.
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Making Over Negative Images You know those images of failure that freak you out when youʼre at a bar, party or social event? Weʼre going to drain them of color, make them smaller, darker and more distant. Oh, and blurry!
Then weʼre going to replace them with rational, empowering images that are vivid, bigger, brighter and closer. Oh, and sharp!
Example:
Fear
Rational Empowerment Replacement
Thought: “Whatʼs the use? He wouldnʼt be interested in you.”
Thought: “How do I know that? Iʼve had lots of experiences of guys who didnʼt seem interested at first, but when on to really like me.”
Negative image: Him walking away from you.
Positive image: Him laughing and engaging you.
Image Qualities: Black and white, tiny, blurry, dark. See it play in a cell phone with bad reception
Image Qualities: TECHNICOLOR! Sharp, clear, resonant, overwhelming. Like youʼre on the set of Avatar.
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Letting Go Of The Outcome
By disconnecting yourself from results and connecting with the approach you will, oddly, get better results . Letʼs take dieting as an example. Your goal (the desired outcome) is to lose ten pounds. The method (or process) is to eat fewer calories. Focusing on the outcome drives you to weigh yourself every day looking for signs that you lost weight. You then become frustrated that youʼre not losing weight fast enough. So you starve yourself to get quicker results. The starvation leads to anxiety and a sense of futility and next thing you know, youʼre off the diet. Over-attachment to the outcome rarely works. Hereʼs another approach: You never weigh yourself. You forget your goal of losing ten pounds. What matters is getting healthier. And the only way to do that is to eat better. So you focus on that, eating smaller portions of healthy food, avoiding highfat snacks and desserts. Youʼre adapting to a new lifestyle and at the end of the month you realize youʼve lost some weight. Thatʼs committing to the process and detaching from the outcome. And it works every time. Now, how does this apply to meeting high quality guys? Letʼs say youʼre going to approach Mr. All That and you really want him to go out with you. Your focus is on impressing him and trying to do so well that he can't help but date you. But you have no control over whether heʼs going to date you. Maybe heʼs going to go out with the other hottie in the corner no matter how great a candidate you are. Maybe heʼll have an irrational dislike of you, or maybe heʼll be in a bad mood when you talk to him. You canʼt control him and you know this at some level. But you feel that you must control him because the desired outcome is too important. Result? You feel like youʼre under tremendous pressure, you become self-conscious, your mind goes blank and you have a very awkward encounter. He smells your nervousness and desperation. You try to hide it and end up looking even more desperate. When you leave the bar youʼre worn out and feel sick to your stomach.
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But suppose you commit to the process and detach from the outcome? How would that look like? You study everything in this report, approaching Mr. All That as prepared as you can be. You know thereʼs NOTHING you can do to compel him to date you, so you donʼt try to control that. Itʼs out of your hands. If you get a date, fine. If not, thatʼs the way it goes. Whatever will be will be. Your only focus is doing the best you can with the material youʼve learned. You priority is in the approach itself, not on the prospect of getting a decision to date or hook up later. You are in the moment. Because youʼve let go of your need to control and impress Mr. All That, thereʼs an ease to you--relaxed, confident and entertaining. When your interaction ends, you leave feeling wonderful, and put the possibility of a date out of your mind, knowing that you can do nothing further to affect the course of events. Which strategy is more likely to get you Mr. All That? Which strategy is going to save you from unnecessary stress, fear, conflict, frustration, anger, helplessness and depression? Bottom line: You canʼt really control the outcome of meeting Mr. All That. You can only control what you do, what you say and how you say it. You canʼt control him but you can control yourself. Commit to the process; detach from the outcome.
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Getting Competent At Irresistible Conversation Skills Getting rid of your fear of rejection is a critical part of jump-starting your love life, but what good is being confident if you donʼt know what to say or do in situations where you see guys youʼre attracted to?
Thatʼs why youʼve got to learn conversational skills that beautiful guys find irresistible. With these skills youʼll be able to:
• Think outside of yourself • Consider other peopleʼs reality • Talk from a place of sincerity • Know interesting facts about the human condition • Communicate these facts in a captivating way • Be spontaneous • Understand the underlying humanity behind conversations • Connect in meaningful ways • Create rapport • Make people feel better about themselves • Add value to peopleʼs lives • Become a better person.
You can master approaching handsome men, initiating conversations, building rapport, and accelerating attraction with my ebook, Meet The Hottie In The Corner-The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.
But for now, practice the exercises in this e-Report. And remember this always:
You Canʼt Win If You Donʼt Play.
Good luck and let me know how it goes! All The Best...
Mike
[email protected]
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Other Ebooks by Mike Alvear: Learn How To Pick Up Dateable Men Have more sex, get more dates, or find a husband with this step-bystep manual that shows you how to approach, meet and attract beautiful gay men. From getting rid of fear of rejection to knowing exactly how to start a conversation, this is the ultimate gay dating blueprint. With glowing reviews from The Huffing Post (“A sensational way of meeting gay men!”) no wonder it’s the #1 best selling gay dating ebook in the U.S.
Attract Hotter Guys with the Secrets & Science of Sexual Body Language. The first and only body language guide for gay men. It’s packed with inventive body language strategies proven to make you more appealing and approachable. Learn which gestures, postures and expressions attract gay men–all based on peer-reviewed studies done by leading psychologists in non-verbal communication.
Send Pre-Written Texts That’ll Get You Noticed. A collection of witty texts you can send to your crushes. Handpicked by our team of writers & researchers, there are no cliches, lame poems or cheesy pickup lines. Categorized by 19 dating circumstances, use these texts to build attraction and score a date. So funny you’ll buy the ebook just for the entertainment value alone!
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