Funny quotes Emo philips Back to Funny Quotes FUNNY EMO PHILIPS QUOTES | 1 | 2 | 3 | Next >> # Funny Quotes 1. "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..." Emo Philips. 2. "People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?" Emo Philips. 3. "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy." Emo Philips. 4. "My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." Emo Philips. 5. "I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse." Emo Philips. 6. "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." Emo Philips. 7. "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." Emo Philips. 8. "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..." Emo Philips. 9. "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy." Emo Philips. 10. "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand." Emo Philips. 11. "I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them." Emo Philips. 12. "I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator." Emo Philips. 13. "At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." Emo Philips. 14. "I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks." Emo Philips. 15. "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
Emo Philips. 16. "I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" Emo Philips. 17. "New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him." Emo Philips. 18. "You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back." Emo Philips. 19. "People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi." Emo Philips. 20. "I'm a great lover, I'll bet." Emo Philips. 21. "I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference." Emo Philips. 22. "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Philips. 23. "I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me." Emo Philips. 24. "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Emo Philips. 25. "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." Emo Philips. 26. "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." Emo Philips. 27. "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often." Emo Philips. 28. "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." Emo Philips. 29. "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him." Emo Philips. 30. "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." Emo Philips. ––––––––––––––––––––––Steven wright Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. [ Funny Travel Quotes] *** There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
[ Funny Fishing Quotes] *** I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen. [ Funny Education Quotes] *** Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday' [ Funny Birthday Quotes] *** If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? [ Funny Deep Thoughts Quotes] *** I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. [ Funny Business Quotes] *** I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. [ Funny Dream Quotes] *** I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. [ Funny Dog Quotes] *** Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal! [ Funny Deep Thoughts Quotes] [ Funny Money Quotes] *** My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?' *** You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths. *** I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. [ Funny Book Quotes] *** The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. [ Funny Hope Quotes] *** All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. *** Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. [ Funny Astronomy Quotes] [ Funny Space Quotes] *** I'm living on a one-way dead end street. I don't know how I got there. *** Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk? [ Funny Computer Quotes] *** I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. [ Funny Peace Quotes] ***
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. [ Funny Food Quotes] *** Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff. [ Funny Airplane Quotes] *** Black holes are where God divided by zero. [ Funny Astronomy Quotes] [ Funny Space Quotes] *** My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. [ Funny Science Quotes] *** I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. [ Funny Advertising Quotes] *** Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. *** How young can you die of old age? [ Funny Old Age Quotes] *** I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. *** I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. *** I intend to live forever. So far, so good. *** If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know *** I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters. *** I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. *** Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. *** You can't have everything. Where would you put it *** A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here. *** The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go. *** What's another word for Thesaurus *** If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it *** Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. *** I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
*** Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. *** I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. *** It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. *** It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. *** If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer *** Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you' *** Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. *** When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' *** If God dropped acid, would he see people? *** My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed. *** I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world. *** When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. *** They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. *** I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! *** I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. *** Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. *** The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. *** Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture. *** Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. –––––––––––––––––––––––
