Albert Einsten 1. The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. 2. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 3. Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 4. The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely mad e more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one. 5. If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor. 6. I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV w ill be fought with sticks and stones. Fredrick Nietzsche Quotes 7. In the beginning was nonsense, and the nonsense was with God, and the nonsens e was God. 8. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anyt hing. 9. Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. 10. Is man one of God s blunders? Or is God one of man s blunders? 11. Many are stubborn in pursuit of the path they have chosen, few in pursuit of the goal. Mark Twain Quotes
12. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. 13. Don t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing . It was here first. 14. I didn t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved o f it. 15. I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 16. The man who doesn t read good books has no advantage over the man who can t read them. 17. Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? Voltaire Quotes 18. Prejudices are what fools use for reason. 19. If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him. 20. Every man is guilty of all the good he didn t do. 21. No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
22. The true triumph of reason is that it enables us to get along with those who do not possess it. 23. It is hard to free fools from the chains they revere. 24. There are men who can think no deeper than a fact. 25. Anyone who has the power to make you believe absurdities has the power to ma ke you commit injustices. 26. Anything too stupid to be said is sung. 27. By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property. 28. Governments need to have both shepherds and butchers. Plato Quotes 29. One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors. 30. No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to go vern. 31. This City is what it is because our citizens are what they are. 32. Courage is knowing what not to fear. 33. The measure of a man is what he does with power. Winston Churchill Quotes
34. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 35. If you are going through hell, keep going. 36. The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the a verage voter. 37. It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all t he others that have been tried. George Carlin Quotes
38. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stup ider than that. 39. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stu ff. 40. Religion has convinced people that there s an invisible man?living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke
and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money. 41. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. 42. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, me a tropical fruit and I ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
You show
43. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos. 44. What year did Jesus think it was? 45. The real reason that we can t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You c annot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not l ie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile w ork environment. 46. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 47. No comment
is a comment.
48. If a man smiles all the time, he s probably selling something that doesn t work. 49. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. Steve Martin Quotes
50. Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything! 51. There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won t stand for that. 52. Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It s something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town. 53. I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things t hat money can buy. 54. You know what your problem is, it s that you haven t seen enough movies ife s riddles are answered in the movies.
all of l
55. First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. 56. Why is it we don t always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends? * As Harris K. Telemacher in L.A. Story (1991) Steven Colbert Quotes
57. To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush?I feel like I m drea ming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I m a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough?Somebody shoot me in the face. -Roasting Bush at the 2006 White House Correspondents dinner
58. On this show, your voice will be heard
in the form of my voice.
59. There s a phrase we live by in America: sus would want it: on our money.
In God We Trust . It s right there where Je
60. Folks, the President needs a break. He s like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don t recharge his batteries, he can t suck. 61. I ve always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can t judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book? 62. Now, I don t see color. People tell me I m white and I believe them because poli ce officers call me sir . 63. Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people. 64. There s nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going t o hell. 65. Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. Jon Stewart Quotes
66. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and t ook their land. 67. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. 68. We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass dest ruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There s just one problem it s in North Korea. 69. We declared war on terror-it s not even a noun, so, good luck. 70. Here s how bizarre the war is that we re in in Iraq, and we should have known th is right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass. Jon Stewart s Stand-up performance at RIT, 2005 Bill Maher Quotes
71. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. 72. I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. 73. Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don t need. 74. They re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can t even smoke in bed. Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
75. Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a li ttle bit of support, and a little bit of freedom. 76. Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them s m aking a poop, the other one s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in char ge. 77. There s very little advice in men s magazines, because men don t think there s a lot they don t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what I m doing, ju st show me somebody naked. 78. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasi ons, they re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let s m ake up. Have this deceased squirrel. Larry David Quotes
79. Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man here s your diamond in the rough.
t
80. If you tell the truth about how you re feeling, it becomes funny. 81. I m surprized Hitler didn t round up the toupee people. Dennis Miller Quotes 82. A recent police study found that you re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. 83. The average American s day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles s dart board. 84. The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. Jay Leno Quotes 85. Here s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like Wins Lottery ?
Psychic
86. The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washin gton, D.C. This wasn t for any religious reasons. They couldn t find three wise men and a virgin. 87. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you ve met your New Year s resolut ion. 88. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree t hat 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Rodney Dangerfield Quotes 89. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
90. Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. 91. I m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have so meone to talk to. 92. A girl phoned me and said, y was home!
Come on over. There s nobody home. I went over. Nobod
93. Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Sarah Silverman Quotes
94. When God gives you AIDS S.
and God does give you AIDS, by the way
make lemonAID
95. I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish gir l. Chris Rock Quotes 96. Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one wh ite people used to go to. 97. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. 98. If a woman tells you she s twenty and looks sixteen, she s twelve. If she tells you she s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she s damn near fourty. 99. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the be st golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush , Dick , and Colon . Need I say more? 100. You won t be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars 101. Gas is getting so expensive I m gonna ride a mexican to work.
