Example notes
written by Author
Address Phone E-mail
FADE INTO BLACK: # Unorthodox. Try "OVER BLACK" which allows you to cut the next sentence.
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The screen is dark and we see nothing. We hear the noise of people shouting and yelling. Quiet at first, but steadily growing louder. # There's nothing wrong with "we hear" but a lot of people * hate it, so use it sparingly. "People (specify how many, a * few, dozens, hundreds) shouting and yelling" would also work. * SLAM CUT TO: # How does a it's a thing say slam, it scene with a
"slam cut" differ from a regular cut? I get that people say in scripts, but still... Rather than might be better to imply it by leading the next shocking image
* * * *
EXT. BEACH- AFTERNOON Silence. We see the protagonist JASON CARTER (14) stand sing on a quiet beach looking out over the ocean. As the camera focuses a continuous shot on him, we hear his inner monologue. As he speaks STRANGE BEINGS approach from ___ start to move INTO FRAME. They resemble people, but they wear mysterious masks and are supernaturally nimble on their feet.
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#Do we need the we see? (see above) # standing vs stands. Standing is present progressive, stands is present tense. Generally I find this more active. Also, cutting the -ing on all your verbs usually ends up saving you a few lines.
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# We don't really need camera direction ever, but especially not here. Voiceover is assumed to convey inner monologue, so you don't need to state it.
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# Strange beings? Cool. I'd consider moving that after the v.o. So you have more time to illustrate them. You're already expositing Jason here, let that breathe and then go to the next explanation/weird image.
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JASON (V.O.) I’ve don’t how I keep ending up here. But I’m happy that I do. # Consider moving "as he speaks, strange beings..." here. Rather than supernaturally nimble, paint a more visual picture. "Scuttle quickly"? "Glide swiftly"? "They run like jittery, sped up film?" Specify.
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2. MONTAGE # Consider showing Jason's reaction to them appearing. Are they old friends? Is this new, but he goes with it as if in a dream? Ground this magic moment via the emotions of our protagonist.
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-Jason playing soccer with the beings -Jason dancing with the beings -Jason playing a card game with the beings # I like that you're conveying specific actions here, but paint them more specifically. How does their magic nature affect these mundane tasks? Example: we know what washing dishes looks like, but it's more amusing when a robot does it, especially if the script highlights the robot's clumsiness (or adeptness for the task).
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JASON (V.O.) When life gets tough, there’s nothing like a little escape. INT. CLASSROOM- AFTERNOON. # Might want to spend a line here setting up the scene before the bell. "Bored STUDENTS watch the clock as a MR. SCOTT (44) barks..."
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A schoolbell rings. The students begin to pack up their things. Except for Jason, who is fast asleep and snoring. As they file out the door, their teacher MR. SCOTT (44) barks assignments at them. MR SCOTT --Questions eight through twelve are due NEXT THURSDAY. Do I make myself clear? Any late assignments will not be graded! # I get that he's barking assignments based on the line, so the previous struck out clause is unnecessary.
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When all the students are gone, Mr. Scott walks up to Jason’s sleeping form with his arms crossed.
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# If you want to paint his arms crossed, do it on the bit where he's introduced, not here.
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MR SCOTT (CONT’D) Mr. Carter?
3. # Might want to give Mr. Scott more specific behavior here. If he's the kind of teacher who barks, is he a dick about waking up Jason? Or is he surprisingly nicer here, which says something else about his character.
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EXT. BEACH- AFTERNOON. Jason walks hand in hand with a being wearing a raccoon mask. We can tell she’s female from her long, flowing hair. The gentle waves ripple over their bare feet. They are both at peace.
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# Do they all wear animal masks? If so, make that more specific than the vague "mysterious masks" which doesn't exactly paint a picture from the get go.
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INT. CLASSROOM-AFTERNOON MR SCOTT MR. CARTER! Jason wakes with a start. MR SCOTT (CONT’D) What have I told you about sleeping in my class? Jason says not a word. He simply bows his head in shame. Mr. Scott walkspapers back to his desk and returns with a desk. huge pile of assignment which he tosses onto Jason’s MR SCOTT (CONT’D) Questions EIGHT through TWENTY. Due tomorrow. # Do we actually need this dialogue?
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INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY- MOMENTS LATER. Jason walks through the hallway alone, books clutched to his chest. The stares he attracts are either too long or too short.
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# Be more specific here. Who's staring? Other students probably. Frame how they feel. "Other students look at him like he's a freak/scary/funny/etc..." Specify.
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JASON (V.O.) I find I don’t want to spend time in the real world. It’s just not something I can be satisfied with.
4. # Be careful about overusing voice over. I get it, he's escaping into a dream world to escape unhappy reality. A single well chosen voiceover line is worth multiple vague ones, which tend to yield diminishing returns.
* * * *
Jason’s cell-phone rings. He answers it. JASON Hello? SUSANNE (O.S.) Jason? It’s mom. JASON How’d you get my number? # I like this dialogue because it's intriguing. Normally a mom would have a son's number, but he's behaving like it's weird. You've done a good job telling me a ton about this relationship in a very short space.
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INT. MOM'S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
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# Consider describing the space in a sentence. Paint the picture of her as a Martha Stewart Stepford zombie, a drug addict, a hoarder, a loser, a winner, whatever.
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We get our first glimpse of SUSANNE (40), Jason’s mother. Her face is tired and aged, yet still quite attractive. She wears jeans and a t-shirt. # Resist the urge to over describe the mundane - wardrobe details, the furniture in the room. These tend to read like shoppng lists. Unless she's wearing something weird, like a torn evening gown, you don't need to specify. # Not wild about "tired and aged, but still quite attractive." Is there a more artful way to say this?
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SUSANNE Not important. How are you? INT. HALLWAY- AFTERNOON JASON No. Dad hasn’t hit me. # From context, I imagine that Susanne made allegations in a nasty custody fight, but I had to do way too much work to figure that out. Consider being a shade more specific about why he's saying this, without being on the nose.
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5. Readers tend to be lazy, especially in the first act. They don't want to imagine, you gotta make them see.
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SUSANNE (O.S.) Honey don’t be like that… JASON I wouldn’t have to if you would just accept that he got the custody.
INT. MOM'S HOUSE- AFTERNOON
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SUSANNE Custody wasn’t give to either of us Jason. The choice was put into your hands and you chose to stay with him! Why? # I like that she's guilt tripping him. The "why" might be overwrought. Presumably they've talked about this before, unless they haven't and this is the first time they've talked since the incident, in which case make that clearer.
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INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY- AFTERNOON JASON Because he needs me that’s why! SUSANNE (O.S.) I used to share your mindset Jason. I wasted over a decade of my life trying to fix your father. Don’t let him control you like he controlled me. # I like this line, minus the first sentence. JASON Goodbye, Mom.
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He hangs up. # I like how this scene establishes the backstory quickly, but it's still weird that he switched his number to not talk to his mom. You might want to delve into that a little more, there's a fine line between "intriguing mystery" and "confusion that takes a reader out of the story."
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6. INT. JASON’S HOUSE / DOWNSTAIRS- AFTERNOON
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# If there's a main location, like a house, consider dividing locations within that space with a slash for clarity and consistency.
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# Describe this location too, the juxtaposition between mom's * world and dad's world will tell a lot of the back story. Jason walks inside, hangs up his coat and takes off his shoes. The sound of a Hockey game playsing on TV in the next room is heard.
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# Omit unnecessary detail, unless there's a real good reason to show this specific behavior.
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JASON Dad? HENRY Is that you Jason? Bring your dad a beer! # I like to use a new slugline when the location changes. If the camera crew would have to move, your script should reflect that.
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# INT. JASON'S HOUSE / LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
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Jason walks into the family living room. The carpet is littered with empty chip bags and beer dad tHENRY (50) sits in the center of it allcans. in a Jason’s faded gray shirt and boxer shorts. You can tell by looking at him that everyone of those beers and chip bags was consumed by him, and him alone. He turns his head to look at his son. # Good scene painting here, but if the house is in shit shape, indicate that in the hallway as well. Cut the unfilmable at the end, consider something like, "HENRY sits in a sea of empty beer cans. He finishes one, tosses it to the floor, looks around for another..." HENRY (CONT’D) Don’t just stand there! I said get me a beer! JASON Dad, how many have you had today? HENRY How many I’ve had is none of your business. But do you know what is?
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7. Jason shakes his head. Henry slams his fist down on the table. HENRY (CONT’D) Getting your father a goddamn brew! # Optional pitch for this. JASON: (weary familiarity) Getting * you a beer? DAD: You're goddamn right. From context, I assume Jason's seen this scene play out a million times, dialogue shold reflect that.
INT. JASON’S HOUSE / JASON'S ROOM- NIGHT
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Jason lies on his bed, hands folded over his chest. His face is sad and forlorn. We here his inner monologue once again. As it progresses, the beings we saw before rise up from the sides of his bed. # Rather than describe the process of voice over, just get into it. JASON (V.O.) I didn’t always have beef with the real world. But times have been brutal;. With every day that goes by, life just gets harder.I’m becoming less a part of the this world, and more a part of-
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# Actually, do thing. we need this at all? All the V.O. So far has said the same
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# Whether you keep or not, have the beings appear at the exact moment you want them to appear.
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# Also, describe what they're doing. Comforting him? Dancing? * Offering him a chess set? # Given that you've described Jason's sad face, you might want to show his face turning happy as his imaginary pals show up.
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EXT. BEACH- DAY Jason is suddenly back on the beach. The masked figures are standing and moving around behind him. -My own.
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JASON (V.O.)
Jason (brightens/smiles/blushes?) as sees a figure coming down the beach towards him.
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8. It’s his the girl in the Raccoon-masked companion arrives. They embrace each other before walking down the beach hand in hand. Neither of them know it, but they are being watched.
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# Is girl in the raccoon mask in the first scene? Just wondering.
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Two figures, one in a bear mask, and the other in an eagle mask, stand stoically upon the sand., watching them. Bear is taller than Eagle, indicating his superiority. They walk slowly over the sand as they debate.
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# Convey rank and status with dialogue choices, not unfilmable scene description.
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BEAR He’s here far too often. EAGLE Can you blame him? His own world isn’t doing him any favors. BEAR The boy has troubles. But he has to face them. If he keeps relying on us for refuge, his spirit will never grow. EAGLE Is there no one who can teach him how to accomplish such a task? BEAR There is. And that person is himself.
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# This is a little on the nose at the end. Also do we really need a scene with two side characters talking? Consider conveying this info in a scene where Bear talks to Jason. CUT TO:
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JASON AND RACCOON MASK ARE LYING UPON THE SAND IN A WARM EMBRACE.
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# Odd use of a slugline-free transition. Consider cutting previous scene and go from -- Jason and Raccoon walk down the beach. CUT TO: EXT. BEACH -- LATER, they lie in the sand...
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Eagle mask and Bear mask suddenly appear above them.
9. EAGLE MASK If you don’t mind Mr. Jason, a moment of your time. CUT TO: JASON WALKING DOWN THE BEACH WITH EAGLE MASK AND BEAR MASK ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM. EAGLE It has been an absolute joy having you in our world Mr. Jason, but we must politely ask thatBEAR We need you to leave JASON What? EAGLE We have simply reached a mutual decision that it would be wise for you to take a leave of absence from here. From what we both understand, there are issues in your own world that require your immediate attention. # This is basically less interesting repetition of the information from thea Bear/Eagle scene earlier. Consider combining that scene with this one.
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BEAR Regardless of your struggles, you can’t neglect your world for ours. JASON But that’s not where I belong! I belong here! BEAR Regardless of whether or not you choose to face your problems, you will be sent back to your world. And until you do what’s right, you will never be able to return. And if that’s the case… # Too many regardlesses. Keep dialogue short and immediate.
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10. Jason looks back towards Raccoon who is waiting for him in the distance. He gulps. CUT TO: JASON STANDING HAND IN HAND BEFORE HIS RACCOON COMPANION. EAGLE AND BEAR STAND BEHIND HIM WAITING PATIENTLY. JASON I need to go away for awhile… I hope you understand… Raccoon nods.
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JASON (CONT’D) I’m going to come back… I promise They share an emotional embrace. We watch as Jason walks back towards Bear and Eagle. # Consider not giving him time to say goodbye, because this slows the momentum down. Consider something like: Bear says to leave, Jason doesn't want to, but he begins fading away... he looks to Raccoon in desperation, vows to return.
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INT. JASON'S HOUSE / BEDROOM - MORNING
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# Make sure your sluglines are consistent. You called this
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place "Jason's Room" before. Jason awakes. But not with a start. Rays of sunshine stream through the blind-less window. He rubs his eyes and gets out of bed. He know’s what has to be done. He picks up a duffle bag off the floor and begins frantically stuffing it with clothing and other various objects lying on the floor. Packing.
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# If the naked window is an important part of the art direction of the sad house, set that up the first time the room is introduced so you don't have to do it here.
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INT. JASON'S HOUSE / DOWNSTAIRS - MINUTES LATER DAY
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Jason walks past the living room. where his father still sits and towards the door. He stops in his tracks when he hears his dad’s. His father looks up from his chair (maybe wakes up), notes the bag/suitcase/whatever other visual shorthand you have for "leaving."
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11. HENRY Where do you think your going with that bag.?
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JASON I’m going to live with mom. HENRY You can’t. JASON Why? HENRY You signed a legal document giving me your custody. If you spend a single day away from here, social services will be on your ass like you wouldn’t believe. # This info would probably be better in the earlier scene. Jason hints that maybe he'd like to visit mom... Dad says this, setting up the stakes of why he doesn't just leave.
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# Also, according to the phone conversation, Jason isn't * there because of some legal bullshit that I don't really buy anyway, he's there because of a feelng of filial obligation. Consider having Henry make a personal appeal to Jason's guilt, not a dickish recitation of questionably applied legal mumbo jumbo. JASON If I have the power to give you custody, then I have the power to take it away. Mom was right, you can’t be changed. HENRY And what the hell does your mother know! Those words came from the mouth of a woman who neglected both of us to sleep with her boss! JASON (picks up beer can) At least she owned up to her issue. # This is a little on the nose. Again, consider putting this in the first dad scene to set up the stakes of why Jason doesn't leave. We see that he wants to, but he can't. It takes being cut off from the dream world for him to step up and take action, creating a basic character arc. Jason picks up an empty beer can off the floor.
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12. JASON (CONT’D) Unlike someone that I know. Jason turns and keeps walking towards the door. # This seems like an abrupt topic shift, and assuming Henry's in standard denial, he'd probably get butthurt and try to deflect. Consider having him addressing the accusation, even briefly. "I don't have a problem" or whatever.
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HENRY If you walk out that door don’t think about crawling on back! # Again, dickish behavior. Assuming Henry wants to stay, consider having him make a desperate plea to Jason's better nature, which would make Jason's decision to leave more fraught and painful. Currently, Henry's dickishness makes me think Jason was a moron for staying, which undercuts some of the emotion you're trying to create.
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Jason opens the door, but pauses momentarily. He turns his head to look at his father one last time. JASON I just need to go away for awhile… Try and understand. # I'd love a cooler line here. He walks out and closes the door. INT. CLASSROOM- MORNING. The school bell rings as Jason strides confidently into the classroom and takes a seat. MR SCOTT As most of you are aware. The questions you’ve been assigned are not due until next week. But Jason, being the hard-working student that he is volunteered to take on a special assignment that is due today. Do you have it for me Mr. Carter? Jason flashes a confident smirk and walks to the desk to hand him the paper. Afterwards he immediately walks out. Mr Scott looks at the paper to see that Jason has drawn the words SCREW YOU over top of the assigned questions in ballpoint pen.
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13. # Consider cutting this. The story seems to be about a kid who mans up, cuts off his parasite of a dad, and reconciles with a long-suffering mother. That's more emotional than him turning into millennial Ferris Bueller.
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EXT. FRONT OF SCHOOL- MOMENTS LATER Jason exits the front doors of the school to see his mother. They walk slowly, almost pensively, up to one another .
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# This might be more active if he runs to his mother's house.
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JASON You never told me how you got my number. # Of all the things to call back to, why this? It's only reminding me how implausibly I initially found the development that he cut off all contact with his mother.
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# Also, that was never explained. Consider explaining it, even in a line of dialogue.
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SUSANNE Like I said, not important. They both embrace.
INT. MOM'S HOUSE / JASON’S ROOM - NIGHT # Consistency in sluglines. Jason might have a room in two houses, but for continuity's sake we shouldn't have two "Jason's Rooms" in two locations.
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Susanne stands in the doorway as she watches her son unpack his things. SUSANNE Does breakfast at 9:30 sound alright? JASON Only if its not cereal. Susanne laughs quietly under her breath. # Do we need this stuff? If the point is Jason returns to his old room, you might want to illustrate how his mom has kept it like a time capsule, aching for her return.
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# Also, Jason seems like he's been a real dick to his mom, and he doesn't apologize.
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14. This makes him seem less like a hero who's grown and realized the consequences of his actions, and more like a dude who's taking the path of least resistance because he wants to get laid (by an imaginary girl, no less). That's probably not what you were going for.
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# To avoid this, make the reconcilation more of a real, painful moment. Again, consider having him apologize.
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SUSANNE Sweet dreams honey. Susanne leaves Jason to his own affairs. He unpacks the last of his things before crawling into bed and falling fast asleep. # Sweet dreams would work better if he were already in bed. Consider starting the scene there. Enter scenes late, leave early.
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EXT. BEACH - DAY.
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Once again, Jason stands upon the beach. His face is painted with a satisfied smile. Directly in front of him stands three groups of people. Standing to the left are the two chief masks, bear and eagle, standing to the right are all the various masks, and in the middle stands raccoon. Her and Jason both rush into each other's arms.
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# get A lot of choreography to show Jason and Raccoon reuniting. I it.
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# Also, what happened to the voiceover. It occurred three redudant times in the first half, then vanished in the second. Given that it never pays off, consider cutting it completely.
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# Not wild about the ending, as the transactional payoff undercuts Jason's remorse about his former actions. He seems like a kid who's willing to throw both parents under the bus for an imaginary girl friend.
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# Given that you've set this place up as an escape from an unhappy life, Jason going back to it implies that he's still unhappy, which throws some shade at mom, which was perhaps unintended.
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# The standard twist on a story like this is for Jason to hope to come back to the happy place, only to find that by making the adult choice he's forever barred from it. He's sad, but in time learns that goodness is it's own reward and apologizes to his mom for real.
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15. It seems like a sucky ending, but then as a result of seeking out his mother, he meets a real-life version of Raccoon Girl, so the universe karmically rewards him in a way that doesn't seem so transactional. Just a pitch.
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CUT TO BLACK: THE END
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