© 2012 Elisa Romeo All Rights Reserved.
Cover Design: Jennifer Wasson http://www.wassondesign.com/
Author Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography http://heatherballisonphotography.com
(Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy.)
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How to Use This Book This book wants to get dogearred and dirty. It longs to be printed, hole-punched and stuck into a 3-ring binder. Take it to a cafe, eat it with muffins, spill some hot chocolate on the corners. In other words, use it, abuse it, make it yours. You can read the content on your computer or ereader. You might need to sit with it for a while or you might decide to not print any of it, ever. You might want to print it right away. You can also choose to peruse the index in the back, of exercises and worksheets, and print only the ones you want. My intention is for this book to be as much an electronic download as an energetic one. My hope is that it helps clarify and remind you of your energetic nature and reality. Print it out, write in the margins and leave it next to your bed for an energetic reminder. But I promise you that whatever way it works for you is the way it works best. Lifting the veil does not have to be heavy lifting. Let’s take a peek together. -Elisa
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Contents Introduction 6 Codependency 16 You Are Energy 21 Energetic Codependency 57 How Does This Happen? 77 Why Is It Important? 96 Energetic Self-Care 102 The Take Away 112 Bibliography 118 Resources 119 Glossary of Words & Phrases 123 Acknowledgments 127
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Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde
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All natures, all formed things, all creatures exist in and with one another and will again be resolved into their own roots, because the nature of matter is dissolved into the roots of its nature alone. He who has ears to hear, let him hear. The Gospel of Mary Magdalene
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You’re codependent for sure if, when you die, someone else’s life flashes in front of your eyes. Anonymous
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Introduction As a therapist, I’ve counseled addicts and families as they struggle to escape the hell that results from active addiction. As an intuitive and energy worker, I’ve helped individuals strive to free themselves from guilt, to follow their soul’s calling and to remain strong around other people’s energetic influence in their lives. The therapeutic community generally resists acknowledging an energetic-based reality. In response, many skilled practitioners feel the need to minimize their claim to this essential knowledge. My life has been an active study and experiment towards the marriage of these two parts of myself: energetic awareness and psychological self-inquiry. There are many amazing therapists who simultaneously infuse their practice with a grounded understanding of mental health as well as an engagement with subtle energies. What I look for in a practitioner, or when reading a text on the subject, is an intuitive sense of both. A therapy is impotent when it has divorced itself from engagement with the energetic realities that are alive and active in the therapeutic room. An energy practitioner who is unaware of the psychological dynamics at play in their life, or in the lives of their clients, is not only ungrounded but potentially dangerous. I am holding a space for us to claim ownership of the marriage between these two previously disparate realities. Only with clear and simple acknowledgment can we begin to build an accountable community and shift our culture towards the question, “What heals?” This work is the result of wanting to know, very deeply, my answer to this question. If you are interested in answering this yourself and are willing to be dogged in your pursuit, you have found the right book. These exercises have the power to heal and transform your life. This workbook is not a straightforward approach to working on codependency issues. If you are living with an addict or suffer from active addiction, you can find many recommendations for further reading in the Resources section of this book. If you are unfamiliar with the topic of codependency, I encourage you to familiarize yourself with the term using those sources. And if you struggle with codependency in your life, I recommend finding a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting to attend in your area. While the information in this book can help recovering codependents, it is wise to first get a grasp on how codependency directly affects your material life before examining it from the energetic perspective. While codependents are also energetic codependents, not all energetic codependents will match the characteristics, or the more narrow definition, of codependency. In other words, they are related but also very different.
Invisibles The energetic world that influences our reality. It is not manifested as physical matter or seen with our physical eyes.
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I have often wished I could refer my clients to a book that truly defines energetic codependency. When working on these topics I found much written on codependency and energy work, but almost nothing on the topic of energetic codependency. I termed the phrase ‘energetic codependency’ when I noticed the overlap of my energetic work and my therapeutic work. It’s wonderful there is so much material that details working with subtle energies. But none of these specifically focus on how we lose power in relationships on an energetic level. I want this book to address the intersection of where energetic hygiene and psychological boundaries meet. My paramount concern is that which is most healing, efficient and practical. I have developed these tools while working with many clients over the years and have found them to be extremely useful when dealing with the complex energetics of relationship codependency. My aim is to provide an overview of the ways we lose our authentic power. No person or entity can invade your energetic space if there is not permission, even unconsciously, to do so. It takes honest self-inquiry to get clear about how we are leaking our power and opening our boundaries to predatory energies. Particularly if these leaks are outside of ego awareness and understanding, it is important to go inward and create a grounded space from which to explore. We are all energy workers. By nature, we engage and manage our individual energy systems and interact with the energy of others all day, every day. Most people do this unconsciously. But my hope is that this book will turn the unconscious energy worker into the conscious energy worker, awakening everyone to the very real world of the “invisibles” that exists around us. I want you to claim and live your authentic life; the world needs you and your gifts. My goal is for this book to assist you in getting the valuable information you need. And the best part is, this information exists in the energy all around you, available the moment you call upon it. As you read this book and awaken to the energetic world that surrounds us, you may have an emotional reaction. I’ve had clients tell me they felt angry or sad they weren’t raised in a family that was supportive of inquiry. Sometimes they feel extreme urgency to comprehend it all right away. Know that this is a process of raising consciousness and although you can immediately put the tools into practice, it may take time for lifestyle shifts and regular awareness. Reframing your life experiences can be tricky. Take it slow and go easy on yourself. My clients tell me this work feels like coming out of a fog. Sometimes we are disgusted as we become clear on what energetic realities have been at play in our lives. We may be shocked to discover that one of our oldest friends has been energetically sucking us dry. These types of discoveries can be uncomfortable. There is often a sense of responsibility and urgency, now this has been brought to attention, what should I do about it? You can make changes immediately, or give yourself time to sit with the new information. You may need time to let it percolate and come to a new engagement with the issue in an organic way. Remember, you have been an energy worker your whole life, managing energies and taking care of yourself. Now you are being given an opportunity to take even better care of yourself, to love yourself and the world a bit more clearly. This work often feels as though you’ve been thrust into the bright light of the sun
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after a long period in the dark. Here we are together, squinting at the sky on a bright sunny day. The natural reaction is to shield your eyes. But they’ll adjust before you know it, and in the meantime don’t be afraid to put on a hat and some sunglasses. Together we are going to walk through this journey step-by-step. We are going to define codependency, explain the nature of energetic reality, examine the truth of energetic codependency and practice the tools of energetic self-care. If you read this book and engage with even half of the included exercises, I guarantee you will come away feeling clearer, centered and empowered. Let’s get started!
You May Feel Excited: That there is a whole community of people who understand and can support you on your journey to break the chains of energetic codependency. Disappointed: Wondering where you would be in life if you were taught this earlier and were supported in your energetic reality.
Angry: That you were not raised in an environment that supported an energetic reality and taught you these skills. Overwhelmed: By the amount of information and potential implications it has for your life. Hopeful: That you can free yourself, feel better and move into a more empowered life of authenticity.
My Story I have a secret, one I’ve slowly revealed in the last five years: I am a human biofeedback machine. But instead of picking up on your heartbeat or the temperature of your fingertips, I can tell if you are speaking from your Soul or not. My professional background and my academic degree are in counseling therapy. So I am keenly aware of how inflated I sound right now. I also know the word “truth” is supercharged. I was raised as a Unitarian, for Chrissake. I cringe at dogma. I run from fundamentalism. If anything, I daily overcompensate in the other direction, sometimes allowing too much coddling as a result of wanting you to find your own way. There is not one truth. There is your truth and there is my truth. And both can be simultaneously true. I’m not an authority on your Soul. But I’ve had some unique experiences. And through them I’ve learned that every time I try to shirk my Soul Path, the cosmos kicks my
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ass. Basically, I got my ass kicked enough times I had no choice but to fully surrender to my path. And if you haven’t guessed by now, my path is to assist you in surrendering to yours.
A Note on Capitalization Throughout the book you will notice the capitalization of certain words, e.g. Soul, Divine and Love. The Soul, to me is a specific entity that deserves honor and reverence. The Divine refers to the great mystery that moves us all. Love is an expansive, transformational energy that we can either allow to move through our system or shut off from. All are deserving of the highlighting and respect that capitalization warrants. I learned at some point along the way that it isn’t inflated to claim my intuitive abilities, but that it is actually egocentric to deny what I am. It is inflated to assume I know better than my Soul what I am here to do. The universe wants me to work in this way and so whether I like it or not, whether I am comfortable with it or not (often not!) this is my mission. It’s no joke that I am probably the most skeptical psychic on the planet. I’ve learned that this work is not about my ego. It’s not even really personal. Of course, when someone gives me a compliment from a very deep space, I’m joyous for the newfound connection. But I don’t feel “I” had much to do with it. I’m just the translator. I’m here to serve the Divine, and when I help someone discover what they are here to serve, nothing is more thrilling. I am most proud of how I’ve learned to trust and follow my Soul’s “marching orders.” Ultimately, for me, it is easier to surrender. Otherwise life just keeps slamming me in the face. A confession: I am terrible with numbers, very disorganized and am easily stressed. I forget to drink water, sometimes anxiously interrupt people… the list goes on. And yet, I make an excellent soul feedback machine. I can watch you speak and see your fifth and sixth chakras responding. I watch them light up and see the energy align with your spinal column. I can feel in my body when you are speaking from your Soul Self or letting your fear gremlins take control. My little secret has leaked out through friends—and friends of friends—and now I work with clients all over the world. They call me to help them through difficult issues, to make important decisions and to help them get clarity on their relationships. Sometimes they want to know whether they should follow their dreams. People think they are calling me because they have a work issue. Or insomnia. Or are fighting with their partner. But most people are truly just hungry for Soul Orientation— starving for it—and their soul has energetically recognized how I can help. One of my clients recently told me, “I carried your business card around in my wallet for two years. I was terrified and excited to call. Part of me knew I wasn’t ready to truly face myself.”
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Once they begin to prioritize the Soul, they come to understand the work issue, the insomnia and the fighting. They understand why their Soul has set that annoying job in their path, how they are using caffeine to avoid their inner voice, or why they Soul contracted with a partner with ADHD. They begin to surrender their ego’s will to the will of their Soul. This often is met with tears. It is powerful to watch our delusions crumble. And in the match between the visibles and the invisibles, I’m puttin’ my money on the ones with less matter. Every problem has a spiritual solution. And sometimes the solution lies in realizing a problem isn’t a problem, but rather a Soul Opportunity. This problem may be the perfect, and yet completely unfair, horrendous shit-storm that our ego needs to experience in order to get us into Soul Alignment. This is how transformation works on the Soul Level. I’m not the greatest psychic in the world. I can’t find missing people or where I’ve lost my keys (especially where I’ve lost my keys.) I don’t know the lotto numbers or which horse will win. Yet I can feel where your Soul Path is and where you are in relationship to it. I know if you are shirking responsibility with the Divine and in the victim mentality, running from your intuition. I feel if there are other energies in your space keeping you from avoiding your Soul Information—like your husband or mother-in-law. (It might even be a spirit you haven’t met before.) I can channel your frustrated dead father at your birthday party. (It’s happened!) I intuitively know if you are lying to yourself, and I am the first to cry when you’ve claimed your spiritual courage and accepted that Love—sometimes peacefully, sometimes violently—is trying to reorient your life. This work isn’t dependent on the person sitting in front of me in physical space. Everything I do exists out of space and time. A phone call with someone halfway around the world is just effective as meeting face to face. This is the part that often confuses people. It’s hard for some to grasp that I do this work remotely. But my mind’s eye (my sixth chakra) can connect in ways my physical body cannot. We all have the ability to do this for ourselves, and that is what I teach. I don’t want my clients to become dependent on my intuitive information, but to be connected and empowered on their own. Learning to recognize their instant Soul Alignment feedback, they begin to sense when they are connected to Love (their Soul Voice) and when they are making up great rational explanations based on fearful survival issues (the fear voice.) Like most worthwhile pursuits, this is a skill that is easy to learn but difficult to master. The information is always available, but it takes spiritual discipline and courage to follow our Soul’s marching orders. The ego says, “This is too much of you to ask from me. I’m not prepared. You’ve got the wrong gal.” or “I had planned something different for my life. I can’t bare this level of pain. No one will understand.” Sometimes it’s simply: “This is not what I want my life to be.” The Soul says in response, “I have orchestrated your life absolutely perfectly. You are on track, even when you feel off track.” It says, “You are not alone, your invisible allies are supporting you.” And most clearly, “Life doesn’t make mistakes.” What I have seen over and over is that when we align with our Soul Voice and follow orders, we relieve suffering and save time. Our Soul will make sure we get the memo, even if it hurts. So we can either step on the path, or turn away and get burned. Our Soul loves us too much to let us live in anything less than the truth. She won’t allow delusions. And we can’t do it without Her.
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Let’s Get Personal
I was raised in a rational, scientific family. My father was a biochemist and my mother a mathematician. Logic and analysis were the valid ways of interpreting reality. So my upbringing was far from airy-fairy/hippy-dippy/follow your bliss. It was more, “Follow your bliss if you can rationally prove to me why this is the most logical and safe thing to do.” Remember those Worst-Case Scenario books that were sold as gag gifts? They had tips like what to do if you are stuck in quicksand. I bought one for my parents one Christmas and they thought it was filled with lots of useful and pertinent information. Another year I bought Skeptic Magazine for my dad as a joke. To me it seemed like a bunch of angry scientists attempting to debunk alien encounters and Sasquatch claims. My father loved it and wanted a subscription. One of my first experiences of astral travel happened in a Montessori class when I was about six years old. The teacher put on classical music and asked us to relax. As I slipped into a deeply relaxed state, I felt myself float down through the layers of the planet. Then I flew up over my friend’s bodies and saw the school from above. After the meditation was over, we took turns sharing our experiences. When I took my turn the teacher stared at me in shock. I knew I wasn’t “just pretending” or “imagining,” as some adults suggested and soon learned to keep those experiences to myself. So from an early age I chose to shut down my intuition. But when I was seventeen it reared its head again. For Christmas my parents bought me—as a joke—a session with a psychic. Her name was Stacy. As a seventeen-year-old, I was developmentally on track by assuming I had the world figured out. But five minutes into the session my façade cracked, as the psychic told me very specific information about my relationship, details I was sure I’d never told anyone. I accused her of following me to get information. My paradigm unraveled like a pile of yarn at our feet. Afterwards I left her house feeling irritated, as though I’d woken from a strange dream. In fact, I barely heard what she told me in the reading, because I kept interrupting her. “What do you mean spirit guides?! What the heck is a spirit guide?!” She gave me an audiotape of our recorded session and I left, immediately filing the information into the back of my brain labeled Do Not Open, EVER. Shortly thereafter, I went to the University of Washington to become a lawyer. That sounds like a good plan doesn’t it? I totally loved Ally McBeal. What could possibly go wrong? Many of the things Stacy told me came true, but I continued to resist. Often we fight transformation until the struggle is more painful than the shift it takes to change. Eventually, I was forced to surrender. It started with a wart on my left knee that appeared senior year of high school. It soon spread over my entire knee. I had over forty-five warts on my leg. I jokingly referred to it as my “leper leg.” And like any normal insurance-card-carrying member of Western society, I went to see a doctor. And she burned my warts with liquid nitrogen. Again. And Again. And Again. Many months and many burns later, the doctors told me I was a hopeless case and to stop clogging up their waiting room. At this point I not only had leper leg but also third degree scars from the repeated burning. I was eighteen-years-old and desperate
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to escape my miserable leper-leg-no-shorts-or-skirts-for-life diagnosis. Out of desperation, I went to Stacy. I knew she did something called “energy work” and I thought I might as well try it. I lay on her massage table and closed my eyes as she ran energy over the warts on my leg. And then I started to see flashing lights. I thought it was strange, but I was in such a relaxed state I remained silent. I soon slipped into a REM trance state, although still fully conscious. Stacy noticed my eyes fluttering. “What are you seeing?” She asked. “Ummmm. Nothing.” I responded.” “No, What are you seeing? I can see you’re going into trance.” At the word trance, I got scared. Did that mean I was going to have a seizure or start to channel a dead person? I began crying. “I don’t know! I guess I see a chicken with tennis shoes on.” “OK…”she said. Within moments, a beautiful tiger appeared before me looking as real as if I was watching an Imax Movie. He looked lovingly into my eyes and then jumped through my face into my body, carrying my consciousness with him as he traveled down into the lower world. Of course at the time I had no knowledge of the lower world and didn’t realize I was experiencing a classic shamanic soul retrieval. It wasn’t until years later, while reading a book by Stan Grof, one of the founders of transpersonal psychology, that I would recognize my experience in another’s. And further, that was an altogether common one. My tiger showed me I was holding trauma in my left leg. I understood at the time— though I didn’t know how—that each wart contained a traumatic story. And as I told these stories to Stacy, the trauma released from my body. My Soul had wanted me to love myself “warts and all.” Many hours later, Tracy shook me “awake.” “I have to go catch a ferry,” she said. And our session was over. I walked out of her office completely confused. The next day the warts were gone. Within three weeks the third degree burns had completely disappeared.
Say What? The session with Stacy was like opening Pandora’s box. Suddenly, I was able to see energy fields around people, communicate with spirit beings and receive psychic information that was consistently validated by physical reality. This intensified after I moved with a friend to Italy. As I tried to understand my new spiritual reality, without the assistance of a spiritual mentor, I was often confused and overwhelmed. On a payphone in Italy my sister told me she bought me a gift for helping with her wedding. I saw it in my head: a bracelet with pearl and garnet alternating with silver inlay. She hadn’t shown it to anyone and couldn’t understand how I knew. My plan to become a lawyer had revealed itself as ridiculous, and I decided to become a therapist. So I volunteered at a suicide hotline and used my intuitive skills to help people in desperate need. They were desperate to know why they were here, and if they couldn’t access that information, they refused to stay. They weren’t going to waste their time if they couldn’t connect to their Soul. And I was surprised to discover how much I
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loved sharing that moment with them. It gave me huge inspiration and courage to take Soul Voice seriously. For them—and honestly, for all of us—it is a dead serious matter. I spent the next years completing my graduate degree in counseling psychology at Pacifica Graduate Institute and studying the theories of Jung, Marion Woodman, archetypal psychology, dream work and transpersonal psychology. At an incest survivor agency I saw acutely how trauma affects our development. Working with victims and perpetrators, I sat with dark energies that had been cut off from their source light. Later I worked in addiction treatment facilities—with women and their families—and then with teen girls in juvenile hall. This work helped me to see how we all have inner addicts trying to distract us from our life plan. And the truth is, sometimes we would rather die than face it.
We Are More Than Our Physical Bodies One day while in graduate school, after many hours of back-to-back classes, I got a migraine. I was sitting with my friend, Dennis, and we were eating lunch on the grass. Dennis is an amazing bodyworker, and he started to give me a neck massage. Then he noticed I was about to “trance out,” so he moved me into a quiet room. While in a deep trance state, I appear drugged and receive intense visual dream-like pictures. On this day, I left my body and hovered over my physical self. I saw the creases in my face and watched my chest contract and expand. All at once I understood the struggle of the physical and was instantly overwhelmed with love and compassion. It became clear that my priorities—my life choices—had been dictated by fear. And then I had the most freeing epiphany. I am not my body. Like most of us, I desperately hoped I would survive as a consciousness after my physical body died, but I never completely trusted this was true. I thought I might cease to exist and was terrified of disappearing into a black void. But after that day there was no avoiding the truth. I know I will exist after my physical body is gone. We will all continue. And while out of body we have access to anything we could ever want to know. Without the weight of the physical world guiding our experience, we are truly spiritual beings. The real shake up of this experience was after the trance. Ultimately, the experience forced me to reevaluate everything in my life. Anywhere that I was making decisions based on physical world security was immediately and painfully apparent to me. There is more to life than a healthy 401k, a six-figure income and tennis on the weekends. Life is about expressing yourself and allowing Love to move through you on a moment-to-moment basis. At the end of the day, this is all that truly matters. Remember where you began, understand your truth and then be that without apology. I merged with my Soul Self and saw my ego-driven life with intense and painful clarity. This knowingness guides all of my sessions and all of my work in the world.
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Road Map In almost every session with clients, I recognize the symptoms of energetic codependency. Most often they don’t realize what a major dynamic it plays. While unconsciously feeling the effects of energetic influence and not understanding why, a person can become riddled with self-doubts. She believes something is inherently wrong but doesn't know how to fix it. You may feel clouded and have trouble making decisions. You might feel guilty, oversensitive and anxious, but not know why you’re feeling this way. Perhaps you need more time to yourself, more space, and are unsure why you seem so different from everyone else. You may have spent a great portion of your life learning to “just deal with it.” We are constantly inundated by energies that lie outside of our conscious awareness. They affect us every moment, whether we are aware of it or not. But here’s the good news: you don’t need to just deal with it. In this book I will show you how to stop losing touch with your essential energy. I will give you the tools to clarify how you are affected and how you can protect yourself. The meditations and exercises I’ve created will engage you consciously and actively with the concept of energetic codependency. And if you consistently apply these tools, you will begin to see your life in an entirely new way. Please know that I’ve been obsessed with this topic for a very long while, and there’s a developmental curve to learning about energy awareness. Be kind and self-loving. It may take time to digest and sit with some of these practices. Feel free to skip around, using only those exercises to which you feel called. And if you get overwhelmed by a certain section, skip it. You can always return to it later.
What is Energetic Codependency? Thirty years ago, the topic of codependency was just starting to receive public recognition. The topic of codependency is fairly mainstream thanks to the healing track record of Alcoholics Anonymous, the popularization of John Bradshaw and Melody Beattie’s codependency books and a cultural shift around the stigma of addiction. It has now become a commonly recognized phenomenon frequently mentioned in the media and self-help circuits. When we aren’t clear about what we have to give and what we need to receive we are in the grips of codependency. When we are confused about our limits and boundaries, codependency has claimed our lives. When we lie to ourselves and others about what we can tolerate, we have traded in our own truth to become card-carrying members of the codependency club. When we lose ownership of our authentic voice in exchange for approval and validation from others, we have purchased a ticket to the wildly popular codependency show. I am extremely passionate about the topic of codependency, and more accurately energetic codependency, because I believe it is the number one issue blocking us from our intuitive voice. Energetic codependency is extremely common and mostly misunderstood. It is the result of our addiction to avoiding our Soul Selves. It takes extreme courage to hear
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our Soul Call, and when we fail to serve our intuition it always results in neurotic behavior. We avoid the present moment, the greatness of our potential and the very real urgency inside which calls us into clarity. It takes energy to avoid our Soul Self, and this results in exhaustion, confusion and disconnection. My intention in creating this book is to help others who are ready and willing to come into energetic consciousness in their lives. I want to expose the reality of how other energies and entities influence your life, distract you from your mission and try to numb you to sleep. In the daily battle between consciousness and unconsciousness, energetic awareness is essential for Soul Survival.
We Become Energetically Codependent With: • • • • • •
People Places (the spirit or entity of a place, like Maui) Things (a sweatshirt from an ex-boyfriend) Groups Spirit beings with bodies (family, friends) Spirit beings without bodies (people who have crossed over, spirit guides, other energetic entities) • Animals • Events (the Superbowl, weddings)
The Difference Between Codependency and Energetic Codependency Codependency focuses on the behaviors, thoughts, actions and patterns in relationship; energetic codependency takes into account the reality of the subtle energies that are always at play. Energetic codependency acknowledges the reality of the aura, the chakra system and the energy cords constantly transmitting between ourselves and others. It expands the idea of codependency not only to people, places and things—but also events, time periods, cultural and group energies. There is very little public discussion about what energetic codependency entails, how it influences our lives and how we can free ourselves from it. I see it affecting the lives of my clients every day, in almost every session. I know it has affected my own life, and I’m constantly conscious of whether I’m claiming my reality or merely exchanging it for the reality of others.
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Codependency Codependency was initially discovered in the late 1970’s and termed by professionals in the mental health community as a way of classifying, diagnosing and treating individuals who were in relationship with addicts. Clinicians began to notice a trend in the families and friends of those with active chemical dependency addiction. Besides a common theme of enabling, denial or rage toward the addict, there was a theme of reactionary behavior and obsession with the addict’s actions. Self-care was often low on the list of priorities of the codependent, paired with guilt or anxiety at even the idea of proactive behaviors. Codependents became defined as “people whose lives had become unmanageable as a result of living in a committed relationship with an alcoholic.” (Alanon) Since then, the definition of codependency has widened to include many relationships beyond those struggling with the daily issues of chemical dependency. Adult children of alcoholics, people in relationship with individuals with mental health issues, caretakers of the elderly and people whose careers depend on the helping professions (e.g. therapists, social workers and nurses) are all different subgroups where codependency is rampant. Many individuals with active addiction also have a co-occurring diagnosis of codependency. There is a saying that is popular in the field of recovery, “Scratch an addict and you’ll find a codependent.” One of my tasks in rehab was to facilitate the “friends and family” groups. Visiting a loved one in rehab was a privilege, and it could only be earned by attending one of these groups. We discussed everyone’s lives, their daily struggles and examined ways they were enabling and practicing codependent behavior. It was there that I first realized how codependency affects so many of us in both extreme and subtle ways. There are many definitions of codependency, but the one that I think is most succinct is from Melody Beattie’s classic book Codependent No More: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” When we are codependent we are literally giving away our power.
A Simple and Direct Definition of Codependency The codependent lives by one emotional reality— “How I feel depends on how you feel.”
The United States of Codependency American society often struggles with caring for others (sometimes called “caretaking”) without losing energetic boundaries and identity. The “disease to please” is rampant. Television, movies and celebrity behavior only serve to reinforce this issue.
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In the 1997 movie As Good As It Gets, Jack Nicholson informs Helen Hunt he has started taking his prescribed medication because “you make me want to be a better man.” She reacts ecstatically, replying that it’s probably the best compliment she’s ever received. The audience is expected to swoon at this romantic gesture, at the controlling and neurotic protagonist taking his prescribed medication. In the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise’s famous line to Renee Zellweger was “You complete me.” Cruise’s character was broken and incomplete without the relationship, not a whole person without Zellweger’s help and caretaking. Can a relationship complete us? Maybe a relationship can develop us, inspire us, even serve our highest spiritual calling in the world as a parent or loving partner. But can it complete us? Relationships can, of course, help meet our human needs of intimacy and reflection. But if we need a relationship to feel complete or to define our identity, we set ourselves up for disillusionment when the bubble pops. These ideas create at best a shaky foundation. At worst they are complete dysfunction. And let us not forget the added pressure of classic gender roles. If you’re a female the “disease to please” is reinforced from birth, with little girls receiving validation only when they behave as “good girls.” Men are also commonly codependent, with little cultural support to encourage social connection and emotional processing. For men there is enormous pressure to do and achieve, and not much space to explore and be. And finally, popular music. The themes of codependency are everywhere. Rihanna calls out “S.O.S.” on her romantic obsession and Britney is a grateful slave to romantic love, just to name two. These are the images and models that set the tone for love as our teens and pre-teens develop their ideas of what it means to be in relationship. Is it any wonder we are confused?
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Codependency Inquiry For inspiration, listen to a current pop song. Read the lyrics of Rihanas “SOS.” Or Britney Spear’s, “I’m a Slave 4 U.” 1. What images, thoughts does this bring up about your cultural programming?
2. What are your own ideas about codependency and relationships?
3. How do you feel your romantic imagination has been affected by your family, your religion or your culture?
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Energetic Codependency Takes It a (Big) Step Farther Energetic codependency, like codependency, includes the emotional dependency that is verbalized as: the way I feel relies on how you feel. But the main difference between the two is how energetic codependency accounts for the influence and reality of subtle energies. Energetic codependency could also be voiced as, “I don’t know where you end and I begin.” Or, “I will accept your reality over my own.” The benefit of the energetic lens is that we can literally examine the energies and see where leaks and blurred boundaries are occurring.
Energetic Codependency When one is unconsciously or consciously connected to energetic entities that are adversely affecting their energetic reality and sovereignty.
Energy is not time and space dependent. This means that in addition to the usual people, places and things, we can also be codependent with events (losing our power to the anniversary of a loved one who has passed away), spirit beings (we can still be in an active energetic codependent relationship with our mother who has crossed over to the other side), a spirit guide (who is saying they have our best intentions at heart but may also be deluded about their own agenda) or the energy that has been stored in a physical location (losing our power to Egypt when we have never been there in this lifetime, if we had a previous lifetime there as an abused slave.) Energetic codependency also takes into account the energetic shadow active in relationship. What if a good friend has always seemed supportive and acted accordingly in the physical reality, yet is feeding off your energy field? You may have a nagging feeling that something about the relationship isn’t deeply trustworthy. You may notice your body sweating as you talk on the phone, a nervous feeling and a temptation to get off the line. If you’ve done the psychological work, and come to terms with your own projections, than what you are dealing with is the energetics of codependency. This work is for the individual whose highest interest is self-inquiry for spiritual development. We are not bypassing the psychological work. We must understand that the motivation toward energetic awareness is truly spiritual clarity. We aren’t doing any favors when we allow someone to be energetically codependent in our space. For the critics of the New Age, who assume this type of work is always psychological or spiritual bypassing, I invite further inquiry. We must be fearless in exploring our shadow sides. If you are looking for an easy out, then this work will disappoint. Sometimes what we discover in the energetic trenches can be deeply humbling. We see the shadows of others, but we must face our own darkness in the process.
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Our ego relegates information to the shadow when it can’t bear to integrate it into our conscious awareness. And because we can’t contain the energy consciously, we project it onto others. Like a movie theater's projection from the back room, we don’t see the film reel; but the movie on the big screen. It makes sense that when we go looking into those dark corners with our energetic flashlights, what we see about ourselves is what we find most distasteful in others. But this means we are on our way. As we get clear on how we energetically feed off foreign energies—how we shirk responsibility in our lives and project our disowned parts onto others—we begin to emit a humble, grounded energy others recognize and trust. This is not the inflated feel of a spiritual by-passer who has relinquished the information from her Soul to an “enlightened” channeled being, but the deep calm and humility that grows out of the present moment. It is the feel of surrendered trust and knowledge that the wave of life is taking us to our Soul Selves and the embodied joy of finding the daily miracles around us in a fully integrated and human way.
We can free ourselves from energetic limitations that are not dependent on the other person’s conscious understanding. When we find success in our own life and our friend becomes unconsciously vengeful, an energetic cord is activated. But what can we do? What if the idea of energetics is beyond her conscious awareness and a discussion of this issue in the physical reality would be met with confusion and disbelief? Freeing ourselves from energetic limitations without the other person’s conscious understanding is possible. In fact, it can be extremely useful if we are in relationship with someone who is crossed over, in a coma, unable to communicate, not developmentally mature, or has lost a capacity for mental processing. Thankfully, we can work on the issue and even potentially keep the relationship in tact through our own energetic work.
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You Are Energy Some of my clients have been meditating for years, attending energy classes and workshops, well versed in the topic of energetic awareness. For others, this is brand new information. If you are interested in depending your knowledge, you can consult the Resources chapter of this book for further reading suggestions. But I want to take a moment to cover the basics in my own simple way.
The Power of the Energetic Lens Every one of us is an energy worker. As energetic beings, constantly engaged with the subtle energies of the people and world around us, we make a thousand minor energetic tweaks to adjust to each moment. In yoga, this is known as “the subtle body” or in Taoism as “the light body.” It is the outer layer around our physical body that first interacts with the world. Our physical body is constant— beating our heart, healing small cuts, expanding our lungs and growing our fingernails—and this happens whether we are conscious of it or not. But with our energy system, awareness gives us power over our engagement with the world. We don’t need to become paranoid or hypercritical of our energetic communication, but a basic awareness of the landscape can help tremendously. This allows us to navigate our lives with intention. All it takes is a little discipline and some consistency to become fluent in energetic communication. Our energy field is always listening. If we think a self-defeating thought, it depletes our energy and our aura contracts and becomes more susceptible to other energies. If you feel you have not acted in an honorable way, your energy weakens. If you are connected to your Soul Voice and think thoughts that are affirming and Loving, your energy expands and strengthens. Your energy is a reflection and accumulation of every thought and every action. One of the benefits of the energetic lens is that it allows us to step out of victimhood and into our own empowerment as spiritual beings. Psychologically, this is known as an internal locus of control. Instead of our destiny or success being dependent on external factors, we have great power to alter our own energy and untangle energetically from others. We have options when the physical world fails us. It might not be possible to say what we want to say to our boss without losing our job, but energetically you can have the conversation and change everything. One of my clients was consistently bullied at work by her manager. She was constantly under scrutiny, unfairly attacked in a bully/runt archetypal pattern. We managed to shift the energy cords and removed her from the manager’s energetic radar, which resulted in a much more peaceful work environment. In my early days working at the suicide hotline, my boss hounded me every day. Clients would call in, feeling utter despair and in the direst circumstances, but because the phone line was part of the for-profit health care system, we were pressured to handle our calls quickly. You can probably imagine the stress this created, between the desire to give quality care and the external focus on “our numbers.” I was constantly on the radar for
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having long phone calls and received daily lectures about my performance. At the time I was studying at a meditation center and just beginning to learn about energy work. After I removed the energy cord between my boss and myself, she immediately stopped hounding me. I was shocked. My numbers hadn’t changed. Nothing had changed in physical reality, yet everything about our relationship was different. This validated for me the reality and influence of our energetic relationships. After that I learned as much as I could about the energetic world. I find the energetic lens to be the most helpful, powerful, healing, efficient and practical way to shift energy and relationships. Energy awareness takes relating to a whole new level. And illuminates the codependency relationship in a powerful new light. The beauty is that we can shift the relationship without talking at all. This doesn’t mean that talking has no value, or we need to avoid verbal communication, but we have power to shift the relationship without conscious approval from the other person. This is beneficial when the other person is someone who has passed, who we are not in contact with, or someone who is incapable of verbally communicating. We are spirit beings having a human experience. You are always connected to your energetic source no matter how blocked you may feel. Something is beating your heart beyond the purely physical; there is an energy that is primary to the measurable electrical current within your body. This world is energetically based first, before matter. It is through our intention and imagination that we engage with this pre-physical world. We are co-creators with the universal Divine energy, and we can use our intention and clarity to move out of energetic codependency.
You can’t talk to crazy.
(…but you can work with it energetically) Healthy communication is a skill we should all learn. Many people don’t have basic skills such as how to use: “When You, I feel…” statements, or the tool of reflective listening. But once we navigate the basics of healthy verbal communication, we must develop the deeper tools of energetic communication. We are magnetic beings that attract people, places and things into our lives. And if our energy determines our world, it undoubtedly plays an enormous role in our communication. With the energetic lens, communication is always possible. Sometimes it doesn’t make sense to engage in any other way but energetically. Mental illness, such as personality disorders or mood disorders, can make rational interaction extremely challenging. And it’s potentially dangerous to speak with a perpetrator. These are the times when energetic communication is our only option. On the surface this may seem disrespectful, to write someone off as unable to communicate, but I believe it comes from deep respect. I believe it comes from honoring where they exist developmentally, emotionally and psychologically. This is an issue of tolerance. To assume that one should be able to communicate at a different level, to fill my own needs, is truly discourteous. Whenever we insist upon what should be, against the
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reality of what is, we become the perpetrator. I have a three-year-old son. If I attempt to talk him down from a tantrum, I set myself up for failure. I can let him release the tantrum, sit with him while he expresses, or gently rub his back to calm him. But in the moment, explanations would only be interpreted as more fuel for the flame of the tantrum. As a mother I must be conscious of what he has the ability to process, rather than insist he communicate at my level. As we become aware and attuned to the reality of subtle energy, the challenge is not everyone will be able to understand. It’s frightening to navigate the world based upon internal, invisible realities, particularly when everyone around us only sees the physical world. But we can learn to rely on our own intuition as guidance in the dark. How we do this—without becoming inflated or deflated or delusional—is to repeatedly listen to our Soul Self and learn the art of fierce discernment.
Next stop: Imagination Station Our imagination is our greatest spiritual tool. It allows us to bypass our inner critical analyzer and permits us to play and engage with the subtle energies. The Soul speaks to us through the language of metaphor. As with our night dreams, She transfers symbolic information that is visual in nature. It is through our imagination that we can receive Her symbolic, visual, metaphorical language. So when my clients begin to access their intuition and ask me, Am I making this up? I tell them, energy precedes matter. So you aren’t making Her up, She is making you up, all the way down to your physical cells. Imagination gives us the ability to consciously co-create with the universe through the laser beam of our intention. It is the means of entering into different vibrational realities. Imagination is the same method employed by shamans to enter into the lower or upper worlds and in distance healing to examine and heal the abnormalities of atoms. It is also often used for self-healing, with methods like guided imagery or hypnosis. When we are young we are naturally fluent in the language of the imagination. We play house, pretend with our dolls and adventure through an exotic jungle looking for tigers. Many children have access to seeing the colors of the human energy field. I often watch young children’s eyes trailing auras and cords between people. Many children have imaginary friends, or connection to certain animals that may even be one of their spirit helper animals. Just as when you were young, playing pretend imagination games for hours, we need to be able to leave the strict laws of time and space and move into sacred time. To get there, we learn to check the critic at the door and be willing to be “foolish” and play. We need to open to the experience that wants to be revealed to us from our Soul Selves. Sometimes, in the process of remembering how to imagine and play I would get stumped. My analyzer and critic were too loud screaming in my ear about the silliness of it all. At these times I would ask myself “If you pretended to know what would it be?” This was incredibly freeing. My ego didn’t need to identify as someone who was pretending. I could pretend, to pretend and bypass the perfectionist in me. A little energetic loophole, if you will. Try it if you find yourself stuck. Don’t worry about if you are getting it “right.” Perfectionism does not help us to
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open to subtle energy states. With imagination, you learn from on the job training. You need to suspend disbelief long enough to have an experience of what if feels like to be reconnected with your imagination again. The main lesson to start is to be curious about how you get your intuitive information. So suspend judgment for a moment and relax your way of understanding a bit. To calm the inner critic, you can let it know there is always the opportunity to judge your experience after you have it.
Visualization
Sit in chair with your legs and arms uncrossed. Take several deep breaths. Put a hand on your belly and feel your stomach going out on the inhale and in on the exhale. Visualize in your minds eye an apple.
What color is your apple? Is it big or small? Is it attached to a tree or sitting in a bowl? What else is in the picture of your visualization?
When you have a clear picture of your apple, draw a rough sketch of it or jot down information about what it looked like below. When you are finished continue reading on the next page. My apple looked like (write or draw):
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Warning: Do Not Read The Following Until You Have Finished the Previous Exercise. What color was your apple? Was it Green or Red or Yellow? Was it big or small? Was it high up on a tree branch or lying in a bowl on a kitchen counter? When I do this exercise with clients they tell me what color they have seen. For example a client will tell me they saw a small yellow apple. “How do you know it wasn’t red?” I ask. There is usually a pause on the phone. They are stumped, trying to see if their apple was red. Maybe I saw it as red and they were wrong. Then usually with certainty they exclaim, “Because I saw it as yellow!” And I say, “Exactly.” That is the straightforward, direct way of the imagination. It was yellow because you saw it as yellow. You are not mistaken. There is no big surprise here. It is remarkably simple and direct. Imagination is deceptively simple. Deceptive to the ego and obvious to your Soul Self. Our ego is what makes us think it will be hard or unattainable. Trust what you see. It is there for a reason. Your mind and ego might not know why your apple is yellow over red, but your Soul self does. And She has lots of information She is so excited to transmit to you if you will allow Her. I came up with this easy exercise because so many of my clients told me they could not access their imaginations. They had lost confidence in their abilities to play. They wouldn’t even try to visualize anything their spiritual self esteem was so low. I have yet to find a client who could not pass my “Imagination 101 Test.” If you could see, or get any information about your apple, you know how to use your imagination. Congrats! You have the overlooked and often underused gift of spiritual sight!
“But, I Don’t Know If I Believe in Energy.” As with gravity, you don’t need to “believe in it” for it to be affecting and influencing your life. We are all energy workers that navigate the reality of others’ energy fields, whether we are conscious of this fact or not. At a party, most of us can read body language and know whom we want to talk to and whom we feel uncomfortable around. If you ever watch two dogs in the park, they know immediately if they are going to play or fight. Awareness of the energetic reality empowers us by allowing us to choose our own reality. But please don’t take my word for it. I want you to become an empiricist. Try the tools and exercises in this workbook and see if you feel differently. Beware, though, of cynicism. Some degree of skepticism can be helpful to intellectually process the information. I want you to bring your analytical mind to the work, but not to the degree that it blocks spiritual experience. Whether you are completely new to the idea of what a chakra is, or have been
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Elisa Romeo is a Soul Whisperer. She weaves together her background as a Marriage and Family Therapist with a modernly mystic approach to subtle energies. In her oneon-one sessions, she uses her ability to see energy to expose and heal emotional, psychological and relational blocks. www.ElisaRomeo.com Photo Credit: Heather B. Allison Photography
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