seeing as how my pay was so often in arrears, I can hardly suppose that the old braggart who engaged me had even two coppers to rub together most of the time. That did not seem to matter, however, considering how all and sundry catered to his every need with food, gifts, and lodgings, all without thought of reward -- which was good, since I never saw Sir Mortnoir give so much as a farthing to anyone for a favor or service done him. "Those days set into mortar my opinion of the hero's life. Adventuring didn't seem to be all that physically taxing if such an antiquated wreck as my employ er could do it. Thus I asked the man outright, 'How does one become a hero?' To my surprise, he answered soberly and briefly, without any of the usual longwinded asides about dragons vanquished and caitiffs slain: "'Keep close to your friends,' he said, 'and far away from your enemies.' "That night I was wakened by the boatswain's shout: 'To the boats, boy, the ship's going down!'
Sir
Mor tnoir
"How the tempest tossed us! The Ship of Mortnoir was breaking into pieces by the time I climbed to the deck. I remember little more of that terrible night, at least not after I was pitched overboard and kept my head above water only by clinging to the free-floating masthead.
While some few Minarian heroes have written their own life's stories, only Mortnoir to date has displayed the confidence and waggish sense of humor needed to write a self-depreciating burlesque of his own origin. Only one year "I was found the next morning upon some unknown beach by girl with golden before this writing the balladeer Gromono of Sertis received a letter whom the hair. She shook me to find out if I was alive, then ran away to fetch her father, raconteur swears came from Sir Mortnoir himself. It pretends to complain thatthe local innkeeper, and also his father's lackey, the ale-server Taplash. the exaggerated stories that persons like Gromono were spreading over the Together they carried me to an inn room to rest and recuperate. When I next hills and dales of Minaria were raising such expectations for him that they were opened my eyes to the lovely face of my discoverer, one of the love-goddesses endangering his life. Gromono accepted the commentary as the jest it undoubt-struck me hard across the back with her invisible whip. edly was, and so shall we. Let there be no more interpretation from this poor scholar who frankly admits himself unworthy to play biographer to one like Sir "'Who -- Who?' I murmured. Mortnoir. If what is written in Sir Mortnoir's letter is a lie by an imposter, Sir Mortnoir will soon have his deadly vengeance upon the rogue. If it was written "'I'm Glorianna. People call me Anna,' she said. 'I found you. Are you some by the hero, it is merely a jape meant to entertain and we honor the great-heart- sort of shipwrecked sailor?' ed man by sharing it with he who reads these pages. In this affair if only one thing may be certain, the story it tells is not the true history of the great hero: "I could not tell her that I was but a lowly scribe, so I feigned pain, calculated to win her sympathy while telling her nothing. But the girl only seemed to grow irriHerewith follows an excerpt of the letter of Sir Mortnoir: tated by my moaning and soon left. I found out later that Anna was not one eas ily dazzled by strangers, being already obsessed by a local youth, this Rubrick, "When but a callow youth of seventeen, I, [here the manuscript is partially illeg- who, as it turned out, hoped to be a knight someday. A knight of all things? Why ible, as if bitten by a horse] and graduated from the university of [illegible], I do women always love fools when a mighty man of letters was available? I feared greatly the vicissitudes of subsisting in a world so hostile, but feared couldn't help but wonder. most of all a life of obscurity and poverty when fame and riches should justly be my lot. Thus I rightfully considered myself fortunate to acquire the position of "The innkeeper's wife proved more cordial. 'You're a knight, aren't you?' she personal secretary to the famous Sir Mortnoir. asked. 'That was a knight's flag you were waving so bravely when they found "That nobleman, advanced in years and enfeebled by rheumatism, had engaged me with the special purpose of taking down for posterity his lengthy memoirs of an adventurous life. Thus we remained in close contact for a long while, like two felons in an oubliette. Or perhaps it only seemed like a long while. Sir Mortnoir spoke at endless length about his deeds, until my quill dulled, my fingers ached, and my tolerance for such non-stop vainglory was nearly exhausted. The only subject which he never broached was why anyone in his right mind would have wanted to be a knight.
you.'
"'He ain't just a knight,' broke in the bald, pot-bellied little man behind her, 'he's a hero! That's Sir Mortnoir himself!' The deluded fellow was that serving man, Taplash. "'No, I'm --' I began a denial, but then I thought better of it. Being mistaken for Sir Mortnoir might be a way to get room and board out of these simple people for a while, and it also might impress the fetching Glorianna.
"Though I had long heard Sir Mortnoir spoken of as a hero, I found him a rather "'How do you know who I am -- uh, varlet?' I asked. disappointing specimen of that rare currency. I grant that the knight might have been a fine figure of manhood once upon a time, but he was nigh to eighty when "'You kept saying your name in your sleep. Besides, there's no sea ever made I made his acquaintance. While I never warmed to the man, his servants wor- that could drown Sir Mortnoir! I remember reading the lay about how you fought shipped him -- as, indeed, all others did as well. His manor door had been and defeated the sea god himself!' deeply scored by the knocking of uncountable petitioners seeking relief from a host of tormentors and perils. Even royal agents made their obsequious calls, "'Funny, you don't look much like a hero,' Anna observed from the door. importuning my master to lead armies or save princesses. He never did all the time I was with him, but still his supplicants all seemed to go away happy. All I I looked up. It was only the bucolic goddess's second visit. can say is that if a man like my master ever led an army, it couldn't have been a very difficult job. "'Of course he is!' declared this Taplash fellow, who seemed to be a lout with a wild imagination. 'Look at his green color. Don't they always say that heroes "While I might have hoped for a bit of relief from my work when social occasions aren't like you or me?' intervened, Sir Mortnoir insisted that I accompany him on a visit he was making to the king of Mivior. Typically, the captain of our mean scow endeavored to tie "'Land sakes!' declared Anna's mother. 'It's true. Anna, say hello to Sir Mortnoi his own fame to Mortnoir's forever afterwards by renaming his vessel, formerlybefore he vanishes into the sunset!' The Sand Crab, to The Ship of Mortnoir. In fact, the shipmaster raised not the flag of his own country during the journey, but the household pendant of his "Now I was in a quandary. Something warned me that impersonation was a famous passenger. Everyone who saw the ship believed that my employer dangerous business, but I also knew that if I disabused these good people, I'd owned the ship and it was but the meanest part of a mighty fleet! In plain fact, lose face in front of the fair Anna. But, on second thought, what was I afraid of?
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I knew everything about Sir Mortnoir's life and adventures. I'd also seen the real iating for you to go around dressed like a scribe.' Sir Mortnoir play the hero many a time. It didn't amount to much beyond being mobbed by admiring villagers, embarrassed with gifts which the givers could "I felt another jolt of terror, but then suddenly realized by his bland, admiring expression that the ale-house servant was actually talking without irony. 'Uh, scarcely afford, and feasted from dawn to dusk. yes,' I said. 'I just grabbed the first thing at hand when the boatswain woke me. "So I played Mortnoir to the hilt and benefited well thereby. While I was never Mortifying. Scribes are so -- common!' able to impress Anna, the situation was quite the reverse with her boyfriend Rubrick. 'Zounds!' the pup declared when the girl finally brought him to me at"'Well, now, if you're servant is dead, I'd wager you could use another.' his own urging. 'I never dreamed I'd ever meet the original Sir Mortnoir.' "'I'm his squire!' Rubrick reminded Taplash fiercely while Anna looked on in "'You should have believed your dreams,' I advised with a paternalistic smile, bemusement. extending my hand. He shook it with such enthusiasm that an earthquake would have been easier to handle. I heard my knuckles crack and felt a hot, "'Sure you are,' Taplash conceded magnanimously, 'but a great knight like Mortnoir has to have a steward, too. Hell, he's used to traveling with hundreds searing pain shoot up to my shoulder blade. of retainers. Who's going to cook, forage, and clean up afterwards if he does n'tterhave troops of servants?' "'Oh, look!' the youth declared at my moans and contortions. 'He must be in rible pain from his shipwreck.' "'I can't pay anything,' I cautioned him. 'not until I get back to my manor.' "Anna frowned. 'Funny, we couldn't find anything wrong with him except a couple of bruises.' "'That's all right,' said Taplash with a grin. 'I'll work for you under the same term I worked for under Master Kregan, Anna's papa.' "Then an excited gleam came to the yokel's eyes. 'My lord,' he began tremu"'He means he'll work for food,' Anna explained. lously, 'if you're going to be a little out of sorts for a while, and if your regular squire drowned with all hands, maybe I can be your squire -- just until you're able to move on, of course,' he added hastily. It wouldn't do, he knew, for a var- "'I mean I'll work for the honor of it!' Taplash corrected her indignantly. 'I was thinking of going into town and spreading the word that Sir Mortnoir is visiting. let to get too full of himself. Maybe I can get you some unspoiled clothes from the bushelmen, an invitation "I was all set to tell him to take a trek, but then I noticed how Anna kept flutter- to a feast from some lord or lady, and a better house to stay in than that old ing about him. I'd hardly seen her at all since I'd arrived at her father's place, Kregan's cockroach-infested inn. Hell, maybe I can get you a house of your so it seemed reasonable that she'd spend more time with me if her peasant own!' boyfriend was hanging around. Quality tells and I had full faith that propinquity would soon make plain to her the virtues of a heroic knight over a mere plow- "'Cockroach infested?!' exclaimed Anna. 'Well, I never! When I tell my father boy. Anyway, I'd never had a servant before and rather liked the idea. It was you'll be fired, you lazy old vagabond.' even possible that Anna would contract the service bug, too. "'You're too late, Missy,' he said proudly. 'I've already quit!' "'I do consent,' I said, and the astonished boy did grateful obeisance at the foot of my bed. "'You're hired,' I said, the business about getting me a house of my own being the deciding factor, 'but you'll have to scrounge your own food until I'm in funds.' "In plain truth I had not been badly hurt and that same afternoon Rubrick helped me down to the shore to show me the wreck of The Ship of Mortnoir. Several "'I'm mighty pleased, your honor,' he said as if I had just showered his bald head men, including Taplash, were still involved in salvaging valuables from the flot- with gold...." sam, while the corpses washed ashore just lay where the waves dropped them. No, that wasn't totally true. All but the meanest sailors had been stripped by body-robbers. I saw Sir Mortnoir himself lying there dead like a naked beggar, There is much more in the hero's manuscript, telling how Taplash spread the floating on the undulating swash between the jagged rocks. If it were possible word so well that the king in Colist invited Sir Mortnoir and his whole party to a banquet. The next thing the hero knew the monarch had cornered him into to have done so unobserved, I would have beaten my breasts. I was unemagreeing to fight a joust with the kingdom's champion. This duel is described in ployed! great detail by Mortnoir, who depicts a display of shameful ineptitude and cow"On the other hand, I at once realized that the old knight wouldn't be showing ardice, all of which no one seemed to notice. up at an inconvenient moment to gainsay my imposture and that knowledge set my mind to rest. Hopefully I could take enough gifts away from the town when The final story in the letter tells how Mortnoir attempts to steal away from his friends in the hope of finding new work as a scribe in Hothior, whereupon his I left it to equal the penurious Sir Mortnoir's wage. three forsaken companions are captured by slavers -- from whom Rubrick, not "Taplash came up to us just then, carrying Sir Mortnoir's sodden tabard slung Mortnoir, saves them. Before his retinue is able to catch up with the delinquent over his shoulder. hero, Mortnoir is abducted by lackeys sent by a foreign princess with a doleful curse upon her -- that she must love the first man she sees. Naturally, she does not want to look upon any man less worthy than the famous Sir Mortnoir. He is "'My lord,' he addressed me. 'Isn't this your badge?' therefore taken far to the south into Girion, closely pursued by Rubric, Taplash, "I started to tremble uncontrollably, fearing that I'd been caught in my lie! There and Glorianna, intent upon his rescue. Before they show up "the scribe" manages to humiliate himself further in the princess' bower. was no way to tell what this den of brigands would do to a liar and a chiseler now that I'd been found out! The manuscript received by Gromono is a strange one, in as much as Minaria's "'You're turning green again!" the servant pointed out excitedly. 'Dash, but I wish greatest hero reduces himself to biting self-parody. It treats every heroic act for you'd tell us common people how you heroes can do that. Do you have which Mortnoir is justly famous as the result of some craven blunder on his part chameleon powers? I never read that you did?' or self-deceit by the observer. Every battle Mortnoir leads is put forward as a disaster and every woman who mistakes his poltroonery for charm is presented as ame self-deluded dull-pate. But even a joke can be taken too far, and Sir "'No, ugh, I'm all right?' I said, worried that all three of them might leap on like a pack of wolves if they realized how weak and helpless I felt just then.Mortnoir demonstrates that he is as heroic in his jests as he ever has been on the field of battle. "'That old buzzard must have been your servant,' Taplash went on in his garrulous way. 'He saved this for you from the wreck. Lucky thing. It must be humilWhen all is said and done, the "young scribe" of the Sir Mortnoir's fancy is mere
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ly a whimsical creation. The real Sir Mortnoir is far different; would that this book held a thousand pages to allow all the known deeds of a great and good man to be celebrated by your author's poor skill. Though we may fail Sir Mortnoir, happily he never fails us. We have not the means to thank Mortnoir properly for all he has done for Minaria, but the gods look after their own and we may be confident that Mortnoir shall one day get his fair due.
No errant knight like Mortnoir can be tied to a home; He lives and breathes adventure and that's why he must roam; In all of Mortnoir's doings there's just one crying shame -What good's such heroism in a world that's so tame?
Sir Mortnoir -- riding to the sunset; This following ballad is typical of the many rousing songs which celebrate deeds Sir Mortnoir -- daily burnishing his fame; of Minaria's most beloved champion: Sir Mortnoir -- no time to bask in glory; It's hard to part from Mortnoir; bless the gods he came. The Ballad of Sir M or tnoir
Gather ye squires and give out with a cheer For the glorious deeds of a bold cavalier. Sir Mortnoir is that stalwart's name; From Elfland to Rombune people know his fame. Sir Mortnoir -- stronger than the Black Knight; Sir Mortnoir -- out-captaining Juluute; Sir Mortnoir -- better tracker than Eloia; I could mention Bilge Rat, but the point is moot. The happy word is spreading all across the land: Mortnoir is coming with his faithful band. He wears a flashing falchion and a visored helm; He's seeking for injustices throughout the realm. Sir Mortnoir -- his loyal friend is Taplash; Sir Mortnoir -- Glorianna is his dame; Sir Mortnoir -- callow Rubrick is his squire, And Skylark was his warhorse till he came up lame. Mortnoir went a-riding on a summer day When a big robber baron reined up in his way, Saying: "Surrender all your treasures, man, or by my trow, "I'll sunder that stout helmet with a single blow!" Sir Mortnoir -- never daunted by a caitiff; Sir Mortnoir -- scorned the villain in his zeal; Sir Mortnoir -- called out a warning challenge, And that bold robber baron swiftly felt his steel. When a wild tribe of Ogres stormed on a rampage; Mortnoir got the message and fell into a rage, Found those hulking monsters raising Cain in the vale, And only left one living to relate the tale. Sir Mortnoir -- thrashed a giant up in Immer; Sir Mortnoir -- beat a wyvern in its lair; Sir Mortnoir -- fought and slew an evil wizard, And pledged his mighty right arm to defend the fair. Once Mortnoir found a damsel shackled to a stone, Offered to a dragon and staked out all alone. Mortnoir drubbed that dragon and her father-lord Granted Mort his daughter as a small reward. Sir Mortnoir -- beloved of the ladies; Sir Mortnoir -- refusing every one; Sir Mortnoir -- ever faithful to his promise. He'll marry Glorianna when his work is done. Mortnoir is a champion who doesn't know fear; He got a premonition of attack in the rear He reversèd his direction to go retrograde, Scaring off that ambush ere it ever was made. Sir Mortnoir -- scaring off the ambush; Sir Mortnoir -- saved a thousand men; Sir Mortnoir -- always riding to the rescue; You can bet your life on Mortnoir, he's the soldier's friend.
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