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SCENE: The stage of the Colonial Theatre in Boston. TIME: 1959 (CURTAIN RISES a prairie town schoolhouse. A CHARACTERS are
on the Old Wild West, outside a white CROWD of WESTERN SINGING and DANCING.)
COMPANY WIDE OPEN SPACES! EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES! WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME. IT'S KANSAS FOREVER AND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES AND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS HOME! WIDE OPEN SPACES ... HMMMMM ... RANDY (as Parson Tuck) Well, it's almost high noon and there don't seem to be no more challengers for the sharpshootin' contest! NIKI (as Schoolmarm) Oh, Parson Tuck, I was sure that masked gunslinger called "The Hood" was going to save our schoolhouse. RANDY (as Parson Tuck) No, they put Rob Hood in jail for robbin' from the rich Cattle Barons and givin' the money back to the farmers. (Beat.) RANDY (as Parson Tuck) (Continued) What do you say to that, Madam Marian? (Beat.) NIKI (as Schoolmarm) Madam Marian, would you like us to Hold our Horses one second? JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian) Hold your horses one second! I see someone takin' aim at this here target. RANDY (as Parson Tuck) He can't win. There's already a bullet smack dab in the middle of the bull`s-eye!
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JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian) Why he shot that other bullet in half! NIKI (as Schoolmarm) No, not quite yet. (A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT.) JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian) Why he shot that other bullet in half! NIKI (as Schoolmarm) He saved the schoolhouse! And here he comes now! Why, it's Rob Hood! COMPANY That's Rob Hood! / It's that man they call The Hood. / He must have broke out of jail! / Consternation! (ROB HOOD enters wearing a green cowboy hat and hood.) JESSICA CRANSHAW (as Madam Marian) I wonder what face belongs to those lips I longed to kiss? (ROB HOOD pulls off his hood, revealing:) BOBBY (as Rob Hood) This face! NIKI (as Schoolmarm) Why it's that friendly lawman from the east I was so crazy about! I thought you were all done with us! BOBBY (as Rob Hood) Not when this place is where I want to be, where I belong, keepin' company with the people I care the most about. Will you be my lawful wedded wife, Miss Nancy? NIKI (as Schoolmarm) Oh Hood, yes! (CHEERS from the CROWD.) CROWD DING-DONG, DING-DONG! RANDY (as Parson Tuck) I SAID IT FROM THE PULPIT: WE THOUGHT HE WAS A CULPRIT. BUT HE DONE HIS LEVEL BEST TO DO SOME GOOD.
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NIKI (as Schoolmarm) HE LEFT THE BAD GUYS SOBBIN', THEY CURSED HIM, VOICES THROBBIN': JESSICA (as Madam Marian) "DAMN THAT SCHEMIN', STEALIN', THIEVIN', ROBBIN' HOOD." BOBBY (as Rob Hood) I ONLY GAVE YOU BACK WHAT ONCE WAS YOURS! COMPANY THE HOME AND STATE WE CALL THE GREAT OUTDOORS! WIDE OPEN SPACES! EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES! WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME. JESSICA IT'S KANSAS FOREVER, ALL AND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, COMPANY I'LL SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES AND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS MY HOME! K - A - N - S - A - S - U - S - A! (CURTAIN.)
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SCENE 2 (CURTAIN UP for the COMPANY BOWS.) Brisk, over-striving BOWS MUSIC. Cast Members take their bows in that hurried manner as when a troupe is afraid there may not be enough applause out there to cover them through the final curtain. "Schoolmarm" NIKI HARRIS takes her quick bow and relinquishes her place to male lead BOBBY PEPPER, who again removes his green "Hood" mask with a flourish. Down the theatre's aisles come TWO MEN in tuxedos, each holding a bouquet of flowers which they toss onto the stage as JESSICA CRANSHAW arrives at the edge of the proscenium. She extends her arms to the audience and then, as cymbals crash, she sings a last line and impulsively brings both hands to her mouth as if to blow a kiss. FOUR MALE DANCERS begin a kick line with JESSICA in the center, the COMPANY joining the line as they SING ONE LAST CHORUS ... we suddenly notice that JESSICA is being held up only by the linked arms of the alarmed dancers on either side of her. Her feet drag and flail on the stage as if she were a rag doll. She drops to the floor. (All gasp.) BOBBY She's fainted. Curtain! (looks about) For God's sake, drop the curtain! THE CURTAIN FALLS as we segue ... TRANSITION TO:
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... to THE STAGE OF THE COLONIAL THEATRE. (Just before midnight that same night. AARON FOX, GEORGIA HENDRICKS, and CARMEN BERNSTEIN, each hidden behind an opened newspaper. They are joined by OSCAR SHAPIRO.) GEORGIA Oh my god. AARON Holy Mother in heaven. CARMEN Holy Shit. OSCAR The reviews aren't good? What don't they like? GEORGIA That we put on a show. AARON The Boston Globe says: "If you loved Oklahoma, stay there as long as Robbin' Hood is running in Boston." CARMEN How about: "Calls to mind Walt Disney's Pinocchio -- because its star is wooden, oughtta be hung by piano wire, and swallowed by the first whale that enters Boston Harbor." OSCAR Who said that? CARMEN The Christian Science Monitor. OSCAR You're the producer, Carmen, I sank the profits from my sweetest sweatshop into this show. There's got to be something we can use. CARMEN Let me consult with the writing team. Georgia, Aaron: does "execrable" have two meanings? GEORGIA No. CARMEN Well that's a shame. Critics! Who'd make a living by killing other people's hope? [I mean,]
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CARMEN (Continued) WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT? OSCAR WHAT KIND OF SLOB WOULD TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT? CARMEN & OSCAR WHO COULD BE MEAN ENOUGH, BASE AND OBSCENE ENOUGH, TO TAKE A JOB LIKE THAT? GEORGIA Hey, maybe there's something good about us in The Globe after all: "Formerly married, formerly hit songwriters Aaron Fox and Georgia Hendricks, here manage to cast a few sparks -- " CARMEN " -- but sadly don't start a fire big enough to transform exfilm star Jessica Cranshaw into a silent, smoking cinder of charred human flesh ..." No, I guess not. AARON WHAT KIND OF MOM WOULD RAISE HER BOY LIKE THAT? GEORGIA WHO'D WANT HER BABY TO DESTROY LIKE THAT? ALL WHO COULD BE JERK ENOUGH. HARD UP FOR WORK ENOUGH TO WANT A JOB LIKE THAT? OH! WHAT KIND OF LOW-DOWN DIRTY BUM? OH! WHAT KIND OF SWINISH, SCURVY SCUM LOATHSOME AS THEY COME? I WONDER ... OSCAR WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD WANT A JOB LIKE THAT? CARMEN WHAT KIND OF PUTZ WOULD SQUEEZE YOUR NUTS LIKE THAT? WHO COULD BE PRICK ENOUGH. CARMEN & OSCAR MENTALLY SICK ENOUGH CARMEN, OSCAR, & GEORGIA WHO'D WANT TO GROW TO BE EVERYONE'S ENEMY? ALL CRITICS ARE HATED AND SO EXCORIATED TELL ME WHAT KIND OF MAN WOULD WANT A JOB LIKE --
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OSCAR Stop the presses! The Cambridge Patriot says: "Given the talent and experience of the veterans involved, "Robbin' Hood is sure to be a solid gold Broadway smash." (Beat.) ALL WHAT KIND OF GENIUS HAS A MIND LIKE THAT? SO PERSPICACIOUS, WISE AND KIND LIKE THAT FAR FROM HIS MOTHER'S KNEE SHE MUST BE THRILLED TO SEE HOW HE GREW UP TO BE SUCH LOVELY COMPANY THOUGH MOST CRITICS ARE STINKERS THERE ARE FEW HEAVY THINKERS SO IT LIFTS UP YOUR HEART TO MEET A MAN LIKE THAT! AARON Yeah, but the Cambridge Patriot isn't the Boston Globe. That's the paper we needed. OSCAR Funny nobody mentions that Jessica fainted. GEORGIA That happened during the bows, Oscar, after the critics have already dashed out of the theatre to dash off their postmortems. Face it: we've gotten our notices and we've been given notice. AARON I'm afraid you're right. CARMEN No, no, you two are just oversensitive because you wrote the show. This is just Round One. The first show my husband and I produced was savaged in New Haven like a luau for starving cannibals. But we rolled up our sleeves, did a major rewrite, and brought it to Broadway. And that musical, my friends, was "Kiss ... Me ... I'm Irish." (Beat.) AARON Never heard of it. CARMEN Closed before we asked the audience not to unwrap candy. But the point is: this is a Sidney and Carmen Bernstein production, we decide if it goes to Broadway ... not Daryl Grady of the Boston Globe.
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GEORGIA Where was your husband tonight, Carmen? CARMEN Sidney's in New York, nailing a theatre for us and, knowing my husband, also nailing a soprano who doesn't dance but knows how to move. OSCAR So we're still going to Broadway? CARMEN Aaron and Georgia keep writing tunes that bounce, you keep writing checks that don't. AARON Very nice, but until our leading lady gets out of the hospital, who knows what happens next? GEORGIA They just have her under observation, I'm sure she'll be out by the morning -BELLING (O.S.) (bellowing from a distance) Is there no limit!? GEORGIA Sounds like our director. BELLING (O.S.) Is there no limit?! GEORGIA We may have to do that English thing: you know, leave him alone in the study with a loaded revolver. (CHRISTOPHER BELLING Enters) BELLING Is there no limit, I ask you, to the brilliance of my brainstorms? CARMEN I assume you haven't seen the reviews. BELLING Never read reviews. OSCAR Chris, where the hell were you tonight? I've put a lot of money into this show. As our director, you owed all of us --
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BELLING Oh, be still your foolish mouth. Nothing to be gleaned by watching one's show with the fraudulent audience of an opening night. Went for a walk. Passed the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. Went in. Wildly spiritual -- I tell you those fucking Catholics really know how to put on a show. And right there in the middle of the Eucharist ... I had an Epiphany. At this stage in the life of any musical, one should no longer be trying to invent anything brilliant... one should simply be trying to eliminate all that's godawful. What, I ask without fear of contradiction, was the most godawful thing in our show? AARON, GEORGIA, CARMEN Jessica. BELLING (with them) Jessica, of course. Carmen, I came back here hoping to convince you to get rid of our star -- only to have the cast inform me she's in the hospital! I see the hand of the Lord in this. We don't have to end here in Boston, no matter what Daryl Grady of the Globe says. CARMEN I thought you never read reviews. BELLING I say we dismiss Jessica Cranshaw and announce that Robbin' Hood is going to be revamped without our vamp. (JOHNNY HARMON has Entered.) JOHNNY Mrs. Bernstein? There's a phone call for you in your office. CARMEN Thanks, Johnny. Probably my lesser half calling from New York. (starts to leave the stage) This is not going to be fun. I first learned in San Juan that if my husband gets just one negative review, he's useless for days. AARON The two of you had a show in San Juan? CARMEN No, a honeymoon. Get it? (CARMEN Exits.) GEORGIA Johnny, you're the stage manager, how would you say the cast is taking the reviews?
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JOHNNY Jessica's been so hard to live with, I think they'd all be happy if the Bernsteins closed the show here and now. BELLING Defeatists the lot of you. You've yet to hear my plan of action but hear it ye shall. Johnny: come help me watch you move the piano. (JOHNNY and BELLING EXIT.) OSCAR You think our director wants us to go to Broadway using an understudy? AARON Well, to be fair, both Niki and Bambi are game enough. GEORGIA Bambi's fair game for anyone. AARON Georgia -GEORGIA You forget I've been down this road with you before. If we were still married, I'd be beating you over the head with a blunt ingenue. AARON You're a fine one to talk. You think I don't see you constantly playing up to our leading man, the guy who broke up our marriage? GEORGIA Aaron, you're the guy who broke up our marriage. Bobby was just there when I needed someone and here he is again hey there Bobby. (She has seen that BOBBY is there.) BOBBY We're saving money downstairs by combining the opening and closing night party. Come down and join us, Georgia. And how about you, Aaron? AARON Yeah, and how about me? (BELLING re-enters.) BELLING Eh bien mes enfants, a brief demonstration of what's been wrong with this show right from its very first love song.
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(JOHNNY pushes on a piano.) AARON You mean "Thinking of Him?" That's one of my best songs in the show. GEORGIA (annoyed) One of our best songs. AARON See, Georgia agrees with me. BELLING Nonetheless, I've had a problem with it since our very first day of rehearsal. Johnny, Georgia's going to sing our leading lady's first number, put her in light cue One-H, go ... (JOHNNY trots off as BELLING tells GEORGIA) ... the song where she brushes her hair in the mirror and suddenly realizes all her thoughts are of Bobby. AARON Of Rob Hood. BELLING Of course. Aaron, play, Georgia, sing. (As SHE sings, the COMPANY drifts in, listening with admiration.) GEORGIA THINKING OF HIM ... THINKING OF HIM SOMETIMES IT SEEMS I SPEND EVERY MOMENT OF MY WAKING DAY THINKING OF HIM MAKING HIM LAUGH, SOMETIMES MAKING HIM STRONG, SOMETIMES MAKING HIM FEEL SOME PLACE IN THE LIGHT IS HIS TELLING HIM JUST HOW SPECIAL HE IS THINKING OF HIM ... THINKING OF HIM TELLING THE TRUTH WHEN NOBODY'S WILLING TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH FIGHTING FOR HIM LIVING FOR HIM THINKING IT OVER, THAT'S WHAT I THINK I DO WELL, ISN'T IT TIME ... ISN'T IT HIGH TIME I WAS THINKING OF ME, TOO. AARON MAYBE IT'S TIME --
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BOBBY (taking over) MAYBE IT'S TIME MAYBE IT'S HIGH TIME! YOU WERE THINKING OF YOU ... GEORGIA THINKING OF ME ... GEORGIA & BOBBY TOO. (THE COMPANY applauds.) BELLING Well done, Georgia. BOBBY (admiringly) Wow. I finally hear how that song was meant to go. (to AARON:) Sorry for cutting in on you. AARON I'm getting used to it. (to Belling) Look, Chris, if something's been wrong with that tune since our first rehearsal, you'll have to tell me what it is. BELLING It's that Georgia hasn't been the one singing it. BOBBY Amen and amen. BELLING (to Company) Now look here, everyone: I think it's a damn shame Jessica collapsed at tonight's performance. She might have done it weeks ago and saved us a month of misery. I propose we rehearse and re-open our show with Jessica's part played by the talented person this score so richly deserves. NIKI May I speak? As Jessica's understudy, I'd feel terrible taking over under these circumstances -BELLING No need to feel terrible, Niki. NIKI But --
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BELLING No need because you're still going to be the understudy. To Georgia. (over COMMOTION from the COMPANY) Georgia?
AARON
OSCAR (overlapping) But she's not a performer!
BOBBY (overlapping) Best idea you've ever had, Chris.
BAMBI (overlapping) Has she ever done a show?
RANDY (overlapping) Anything would be better than Jessica. GEORGIA I ... I don't know, Chris. BELLING You know the score and script better than anyone else, you sing the songs from your heart because that's where the words came from. GEORGIA It's been a while since I traded in my tap shoes for a rhyming dictionary. BAMBI Excuse me, but speaking for those of us in the chorus, I really think Niki should get the role. She's talented, and dedicated -BELLING And since you're Niki's understudy, if she gets the lead, you get her part. BAMBI -- well yes, that too. BELLING Nice try, Bambi. But either Georgia is in or I'm out. What do you say, Oscar? OSCAR Chris, I'll put my money where your mouth is. BELLING Launder it first. And I assume, Aaron, that this move more than meets with your approval?
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(Silence. ALL look at AARON.) AARON I, uhm ... no, to be honest, it doesn't. GEORGIA Thanks for the vote of confidence. AARON I have my reasons. Besides, this entire debate is pointless if Jessica shows up tomorrow -BELLING -- ready to go on like the brave little storm trooper she is. BOBBY Well, if she comes back, I'm sorry folks, but I, I'm bowing out. I mean, her performance was worse than ever this evening. (CARMEN BERNSTEIN has returned.) CARMEN Jessica Cranshaw will never be better than she was this evening. BOBBY But she was horrible. CARMEN I know. But she'll never be better. She's dead. (GASPS from the COMPANY.) CARMEN (Continued) That was the hospital on the phone. In terms of future performances, Jessica Cranshaw now has a conflict. GEORGIA What ... what happened? CARMEN They wouldn't tell me. (to Christopher) Chris? Do you want to say something to the cast? BELLING No, I have no notes ... CARMEN I mean about Jessica!
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BELLING Well ... let's all form a semi-circle, boy-girl-boy-girl, tallest on the inside. (THEY shuffle around) Bambi, you're blocking Niki for the entire left side of the house -- no, this isn't working -GEORGIA Chris. BELLING Well then ... shall we observe a minute of silence, to match the audience's response to Jessica's first number? AARON Say something, for God's sake. BELLING People ... a human being has died. (a COUGH from RANDY) Or rather, a leading lady has died. And I'm sure we'll all remember Jessica in our thoughts and in our resumes. Perhaps we can best pay tribute to her now by voicing our sentiments -(assigns:) Soprano-Alto-Tenor-Bass! COMPANY OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! BAMBI THE WOMAN'S DEAD, THE WOMAN'S DEAD GO TELL HER FANS TO CHANGE THEIR PLANS OUR STAR IS DEAD NIKI WOULD SOMEONE CARE TO SAY A PRAYER RUSSELL WHO MIGHT THAT BE? ROBERTA DON'T LOOK AT ME! BAMBI, NIKI, RUSSELL & ROBERTA THE WOMAN'S DEAD. COMPANY OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! THE WOMAN'S DEAD, SHE'S DEAD AND DONE
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RANDY SHE'S IN THE PAST AND NOW THE CAST IS MINUS ONE ... ARLENE THERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS HER UNION DUES WILL ALL BE WAIVED ONCE SHE'S EN-GRAVED THE WOMAN'S DONE. COMPANY OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! WOMEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD, MEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD WOMEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD, MEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD BAMBI SHE WAS A BITCH HARV AND UNDERPITCH BAMBI & HARV AND NOW SHE'S DEAD MEN OUR STAR IS DEAD! BOBBY IT'S FOR THE BEST NIKI SHE'S LAID TO REST HARV WITHOUT A DRESSER TO MOLEST BOBBY, NIKI, HARV THE WOMAN'S DEAD! WOMEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD,
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MEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD WOMEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD, MEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD WOMEN THE WOMAN'S DEAD. BAMBI SHE'S LEFT THIS PORT WITH RIGA MORT THE WOMAN'S DEAD WOMEN THAT'S RIGHT, SHE'S DEAD MEN THE SKIES ARE BLUE NIKI HER LIPS ARE TOO COMPANY CAN'T BLOW HER NOSE CAN'T SHAKE HER HEAD SEE FOR YOURSELF IT'S LIKE I SAID THE WOMAN'S DEFINITELY POSITIVELY -(LIEUTENANT FRANK CIOFFI Enters, bright and eager.) CIOFFI Excuse me, I'm Lieutenant Frank Cioffi of the Greater Boston Police Department, Homicide Division, and oh it's an honor to be standing on the same stage with each and every one of you. COMPANY (sung) DEAD! CIOFFI First, let me assure you that I don't want my own work to delay your production from reaching the home on Broadway it richly deserves. I happened to see Robbin' Hood in previews and may I say that, with the exception of the deceased Miss Cranshaw, you're all just such wonderful performers ... (PLEASED COMPANY MUMBLINGS)
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CIOFFI (Continued) And what a great score. AARON Well I appreciate that, Lieutenant. GEORGIA On behalf of my half of that compliment, thanks as well. CIOFFI You're more than welcome. I've, well, I've done a little community theatre myself -(polite "How nice" and "Oh"s from THE COMPANY) CIOFFI (Continued) -- oh, no, nothing that fancy, although my Billy Bigelow at the Brookline Barnhouse got a favorable review ... and in "A Midsummer Night's Dream," my Bottom was very well-received. CARMEN I'm sorry I missed it. CIOFFI Oh, no, it was nothing, nothing like... (looks about in awe) This. BELLING Wait one moment. You say that you're from Homicide? CIOFFI Ah, well, yes. Based on a preliminary autopsy, it's clear that Jessica Cranshaw was murdered. (SHOCK from the COMPANY.) BELLING And, and what are they doing with her killer? I mean, does he get some sort of trophy, or a Pontiac convertible...? GEORGIA Chris. BELLING Sorry, pure reflex. GEORGIA What ... what killed her? CIOFFI Hydrocyanic acid, commonly used in electroplating and the gas chamber at San Quentin. (MORE)
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CIOFFI (Continued) It was in capsule form, which is why no one realized she'd been poisoned until the capsules dissolved in her stomach, starting a chemical reaction ... GEORGIA Horrible. CIOFFI Working backwards from when the capsules dissolved, we know she was poisoned in the very final minutes of the opening night performance. My men are downstairs, going through your dressing rooms -(REACTION from the COMPANY.) CIOFFI (Continued) Yes, and I'll want each of you to give them your name, address, and eight-by-ten glossy. Now, who's in charge here, other than myself? BELLING Permit me, Lieutenant. I'm the critically-acclaimed director Christopher Belling. I'll be blocking your investigation. CIOFFI Hope not. But if you need to wrap things up with your cast, please go right ahead. BELLING I was planning to. Company! I know you'll give Georgia your support as she steps into the late Miss Cranshaw's shoes, which also had supports. CARMEN Wait a second! You want Georgia to take over for Jessica? CIOFFI Gosh, that's, that's a pretty interesting idea. BELLING Mine. CARMEN No offense, Georgia, but I'm not so sure about this. You could be an embarrassment of riches or, frankly, a goddamn embarrassment. BELLING It's the only brilliant solution I can offer, at least here in Boston. Love it. CARMEN But this isn't -- all right, as a temporary fix. (MORE)
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CARMEN (Continued) But when we go to Broadway -- and we ARE going to Broadway -it's a whole new ball game. BELLING Let's make it unanimous then. All in favor of resuscitating Robbin' Hood ... please say aye! NIKI Aye. BOBBY Yeah, sure, aye. (Otherwise, coughs, an idle whistle.) OSCAR That's it? I back this show and you're all backing out? (GENERAL AGREEMENT from the CAST.) CARMEN Come on, so what if we got killed by the critics while our leading lady got killed. There's more important things in life than ... life. Come on, you people have stage blood in your veins, you rise to the occasion whenever that curtain starts to rise: what do you say, gang, we can make this show happen, are you with me? (A beat.) HARV You know if we leave now, we can make the last train. COMPANY So much to pack. / I don't owe anyone nothing. / That's that./ Anyone want to share a ride? / etc. CARMEN Stop --! IT'S CLEAR THAT EVERY ONE OF YOU IS IN PERFECT PHYSICAL CONDITION SO THE SHOW MUST GO ON RANDY Why? CARMEN BECAUSE AS OLD AS TIME ITSELF IS THAT GRAND THEATRICAL TRADITION THAT THE SHOW MUST GO ON BAMBI Forget it!
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CARMEN I'VE GOT A CONTRACT YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT GO READ YOUR CONTRACT AND I WILL COUNT TO TEN AND THEN, I'LL SUE YOU OH YES, I'LL SUE YOU AND WHEN I SUE YOU, YOU'LL NEVER WORK AGAIN! COMPANY You can't talk to us that way / We have our rights / etc. (Above all this:) RANDY Who's the Equity Representative? BAMBI I am. Mrs. Bernstein, as Equity deputy, I must warn you: any further threats and you'll be brought up on charges. CARMEN Oh, shut up, Elaine! BAMBI The name is Bambi. (beat) Mother. CARMEN I hate "Bambi." (beat) Elaine. ALL RIGHT LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY: FOR THE BACKERS' SAKE, I'M ASKING YOUR PERMISSION TO LET THE SHOW GO ON RANDY No! CARMEN THE SHOW MUST GO ON! ROBERTA Never! CARMEN THE SHOW MUST GO ON! HARV Why?! CARMEN 'CAUSE I SAY THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
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COMPANY Horseshit! NIKI Oh! CIOFFI I can't believe I'm hearing this! I won't believe it! Putting on a musical has got to be the most fulfilling thing a person could hope to do. You're all heroes to me. YOU'RE ... A ... SPECIAL KIND OF PEOPLE KNOWN AS SHOW PEOPLE YOU LIVE IN A WORLD OF YOUR OWN THE AUDIENCE PAID PLENTY TO SIT THERE AND CLAP HEARING YOU SING WATCHING YOU TAP DID YOU KNOW YOUR DENTIST LONGS TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS? YOUR WINDOW WASHER WANTS TO BE A STAR AND THOUGH YOUR ANALYST MAY NEVER COUCH IT THAT WAY -CARMEN Analyst -- Couch -- that's funny! CIOFFI -- YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE! SOME POLICEMEN AND DETECTIVES DREAM OF SHOW BUSINESS THEY CAN'T GET ARRESTED BUT STILL THEY SIT AROUND THE STATION AND FANCY THIS LIFE: THEY JEER SHERLOCK HOLMES AND CHEER MACK THE KNIFE. CIOFFI AND CARMEN ASK YOUR CLEANING LADY, "DON'T YOU DREAM OF SHOW BUSINESS TO VOCALIZE OR STRETCH BESIDE A BARRE?" HER AFFIRMATIVE SHRUG AS SHE SHAMPOOS YOUR RUG LETS YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE OSCAR, CIOFFI AND CARMEN THERE'S A SPECIAL KIND OF AURA 'ROUND A SHOW PERSON JUST ASK THE NEXT WAITER YOU MEET CIOFFI HE WALKS IN FIFTH POSITION HIS VOICE IS JUST GRAND CARMEN HE GIVES YOU THE CHECK YOU GIVE HIM A HAND
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OSCAR, CIOFFI AND CARMEN IF THE BOYS IN VALET PARKING TURNED TO SHOW BUSINESS THEY COULD SCALP A HIGHER TICKET FOR YOUR CAR OSCAR AND MY TREE SURGEON NOW STARTED TAKING A BOUGH -A bough, get it? B-O-U-G -CIOFFI & CARMEN (Interrupting) -- DON'T YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? CARMEN All right -- everybody! COMPANY IT'S AN HONOR AND A JOY TO BE IN SHOW BUSINESS I FEEL THAT SPOTLIGHT HIT ME AND I'M GONE AT THE LAST CURTAIN CALL I'M THE ENVY OF ALL SO I KNOW THE SHOW MUST GO ON! (THE CAST APPLAUDS THEMSELVES, reminded of what they're all about.) CIOFFI And listen: Robbin' Hood really should go on -NIKI Lieutenant! My name's Niki -CIOFFI -- Harris. Miss Niki Harris. I read your bio several times through on the bus ride home the other night. May I say I found your performance particularly memorable? It was just lovely. NIKI Well thank you. CIOFFI Lovely. (Beat.) NIKI Well thank you. CIOFFI I'm crazy about your little vibrato. NIKI You're very kind.
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CIOFFI I try to be. That's not always easy in my line of work. NIKI Yesterday I was coaching Miss Cranshaw on her lines and of course I said I'd be glad to help -CIOFFI That's so like you. NIKI Well, I'm also her understudy -- at least I was -- I guess I'm Georgia's now -- but then these three letters fell out of Miss Cranshaw's script. She laughed them off but I kept them. I'm afraid my fingerprints are all over them. (handing him letters) They're death threats. See, the words and letters have been pasted onto the paper, cut from a newspaper, I suppose. CIOFFI "YOU'RE MURDERING THE SCORE BUT I'LL MURDER YOU." "YOU'LL DROP BEFORE THE CURTAIN DOES." "IF YOU DON'T QUIT, YOU'LL DIE LEGIT." NIKI Can you tell anything from them? CIOFFI Well they seem pretty negative in spirit. NIKI Well, yes, of course. (He sees her disappointed reaction.) CIOFFI Oh, I'm sorry, you were hoping for more of the Arthur Conan Doyle version? Unfortunately, these notes reveal very little except that the person who sent them is a man in his early thirties, six feet four in height, who wears a pewter ring, served in the Merchant Marine, and despite being righthanded, is known to his closest friends as "Lefty." (ADMIRING MURMURS from the CAST.) NIKI How ... how ever do you know that? CIOFFI Oh I don't. I was just saying that, you probably hoped I would be able to tell -- wow, if I could do that just from -I mean.
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CARMEN Gee, for a second I was impressed. As I once told my husband in San Juan. Get it? (one clap of her hands) Well, what do you say we go across the street and have ourselves one slobberknocker of a wake for the late-if-lessthan-great Jessica Cranshaw? Drinks are on me! (HAPPY CLAMORING from the COMPANY) CIOFFI Just a minute! I'm afraid I have some bad news. This theatre is quarantined. All the exits are guarded. And uh ... none of you can leave. (THE COMPANY PROTESTS LOUDLY.) CIOFFI (Continued) No, I'm sorry, you'll all be living right here, in the theatre, until further notice. Emergency Services will bring in cots and meals. CARMEN And what the hell do we do about changing our clothes? CIOFFI We're picking up extra clothing from your hotel rooms, which are currently being searched for possible evidence. (OUTRAGE from the cast.) No, no, I'm afraid it's all perfectly legal, I have a search warrant that covers the entire original cast. Look, it's vivid in my memory that Jessica Cranshaw never left the stage for the last fifteen minutes of the show. Miss Harris, in those few seconds between the final curtain and taking her bow, could she have left the stage? NIKI No, she only had a few seconds to get in line with me. CIOFFI Then I'm sorry but ... she had to have been murdered by one of you. (GASPS and MURMURS from the COMPANY.) CIOFFI (Continued) I've never had a case with this many suspects and I can't have each of you followed around the clock. It's better I keep you under lock and key until I solve this mystery. CARMEN You're taking the law into your own hands, Cioffi!
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CIOFFI Well that's -- that's sort of what I'm paid to do. I mean, that's why I have a badge and my own gun ... anyway, being sequestered here will let you all focus on fixing the show. BELLING Fixing? CIOFFI Well, there must be certain changes and cuts you want to make in light of the reviews ... BELLING Now just one bloody moment -CARMEN Lieutenant: do we have any choice about staying? CIOFFI Not really. So if you'll all ... head downstairs, please? CARMEN When my husband gets back from New York, you're gonna hear from him, Cioffi. The only thing Sidney Bernstein takes lying down is Maria Callas. (beat) Get it? (THE COMPANY EXITS, grumbling.) NIKI And will you be wanting me any further, Lieutenant? CIOFFI No, you're free to go ... but I do have some questions for your boyfriend. NIKI I don't have a boyfriend. CIOFFI Oh my gosh. Um. Miss Harris, I'd like to take you into my confidence regarding this investigation. NIKI Why's that Lieutenant? CIOFFI Well because if I don't, there's really no reason for us to keep talking. NIKI Then take me into your confidence with confidence, Lieutenant.
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CIOFFI I just met an opening night cast who seem incredibly eager to close. Something's wrong here. NIKI Maybe they think they could be making better money back in New York than with Sidney Bernstein, who's known to be ... thrifty. I think I landed my part mainly because I'm from Boston, so he doesn't have to pay my room and board. Lieutenant, can I ask you -CIOFFI Anything. NIKI My finding those death threats -- should I be worried that I'm in danger? CIOFFI I don't really think so. NIKI That's good. CIOFFI But keep in mind I can be within arm's reach at any hour of the day or night. NIKI Then I should be worried? CIOFFI No, that was a completely unrelated thought. NIKI I guess you live with danger on a daily basis, don't you, Lieutenant? CIOFFI Oh, most of the time, it's paperwork and routine, no more dangerous than filling out your tax form. Detectives have no opening night, Miss Harris. We make our entrance after the curtain has already fallen on somebody else's life. NIKI But it's a calling, isn't it? Like being a doctor, or a teacher? CIOFFI Or an actor. NIKI I suppose you're right. I've only worked here in Boston, but I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. It's not wrong to be married to one's work, is it?
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CIOFFI No. Not at all. But sometimes it's no honeymoon. I LOVE MY JOB. I REALLY DO. AND, IF I SAY SO MYSELF, I'M GOOD AT IT, TOO I CATCH THE BAD GUYS, (WELL) MOST OF THE TIME SO IT'S A GOOD LIFE, A PERFECTLY GOOD LIFE, NOT EXACTLY SUBLIME. WHEN I'VE FINISHED MY WORK AND I CRAWL INTO BED, I REFLECT, AS I TURN OUT THE LIGHTS, THAT THE DAY THAT'S TO COME AND THE WEEK THAT'S AHEAD WILL BE LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS. LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS I LIKE MY PALS, THE GUYS ON THE FORCE. WE'RE NOT VERY SOCIAL. THEY'RE ALL MARRIED, OF COURSE. SOMETIMES WE GO BOWLING OR HAVE A FEW BEERS. SO IT'S A FINE LIFE, A PERFECTLY FINE LIFE I'D GIVE IT ... TWO CHEERS. 'CAUSE SOMETIMES I THINK, AT THE END OF THE DAY, WHEN I'VE READ THE LAST BURGLAR HIS RIGHTS, THAT THE LIFE THAT I LEAD IS A LITTLE BIT GREY. WITH ITS LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS. LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS. NIKI But, your acting roles, don't they make for a change? CIOFFI Oh Miss Harris, each year from May twenty-third to the twelfth of June when I turn my life over to the Swallow Street Players, that's more than a vacation for me. It's an overture of hope, the timpani roll of my pounding heart, a rising curtain to the greatest joy in my life. But where the rest of the year is concerned ... THE LIFE THAT I LEAD IS A LITTLE BIT GREY. THERE ARE PLENTY OF LOW DAYS AND NOT MANY HEIGHTS. MOSTLY LUNCH COUNTER MORNINGS AND COFFEE SHOP NIGHTS.
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CIOFFI (Continued) I don't mean to seem forward but ... might I walk you home? NIKI Oh, I'd be delighted -- but you said we're not allowed to leave. CIOFFI Damn. (MUSIC as they depart ...) TRANSITION TO:
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SCENE 4 STILL THE STAGE OF THE COLONIAL THEATRE TIME:
The next morning. (GEORGIA is learning her vocal part and her blocking as the CAST rehearses a frothy production number set along the banks of the Colorado River. AARON prompts GEORGIA on her lyrics while BOBBY guides her through the choreography as Director BELLING watches. We join the number IN PROGRESS)
(In one conceit of this production number, the staging would include a Colorado river boat, replete with dapper gamblers, braided crew members, and parasoled ladies -- perhaps even a few river pirates. Perhaps the river boat doesn't appear until the song's final incarnation in Act II.)
GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBI IN THE SAME BOAT ON THE SAME SEA SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIP NARY A SAIL NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON OH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILL STOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESS BOBBY And you move downstage. GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBI WE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEAR WHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S. (Bars vamp in a loop.) NIKI And this is you: "TATTERED AND TORN." BAMBI More like: "WEARY AND WORN." GEORGIA FEELIN' FORLORN THAT I LOOK UNTIDY CHEWIN' MY NAILS PRAYIN' THAT WHALES AREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRI-DAY"
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GEORGIA & NIKI & BAMBI STILL, WE ARE NOT DISCOURAGED DUE TO THE ANCIENT QUOTE YOU ARE LIKELY TO WIN TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT! (THE CAST offers GEORGIA encouragement. OSCAR will enter, doughnut and coffee in hand.) BELLING Georgia, you are the cat's meow, pajamas and whiskers in alphabetical order. (BELLING exits.) BOBBY It's great, really great. GEORGIA Well it doesn't feel like it's great. BOBBY Honey, you're coming off really, really cute. GEORGIA Oh, you're so completely prejudiced. I feel as cute as a button that you push to turn on the electric chair. (sees Bobby's smile) What. BOBBY (smitten) You're just so cute when you talk like that. GEORGIA Aaron, you've always been honest with me about everything except our marriage. How bad am I lousing up our song? AARON (working on music at piano) Actually, you're lousing it up pretty damn good. BOBBY Honey, you'll be fine once you've broken the ice. GEORGIA Tell that to the Titanic. BOBBY So cute.
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JOHNNY (stepping out) Okay folks, we've got the showers working now! (GRUMBLINGS from CAST) You'll find robes and towels outside the Green Room, limit yourself to two minutes, we don't know how long the hot water's gonna hold out! (COMPANY starts to Exit, while AARON and GEORGIA confer at the piano. BOBBY stretches, wincing in pain.) BELLING How's your back holding up, Bobby? BOBBY I can't dance, don't ask me. OSCAR Does it really hurt that bad? BOBBY Nothing that a fistful of painkillers can't handle. [Demerol] OSCAR You're a real team player, Bobby. BOBBY Oh I couldn't pass up this opportunity. The greatest acting assignment of my entire career. (to Georgia) By the way, thanks for letting me use your shower. GEORGIA It's the best part of getting the star's dressing room. BOBBY You need the key back? GEORGIA No, it's a duplicate. Who knows when you might need it again? BOBBY Oh you'll know. (BOBBY gives her a little snarl-kiss and leaves.) AARON Yeah, I just love this. OSCAR (uneasy) Friends who share is a very nice thing.
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GEORGIA On our last show, Aaron was very sharing with all his little friends in the chorus.[] AARON I never did anything more than flirt with any cast member once I married you. GEORGIA Barbara O'Brien. AARON She was an usher. And anyway, by then you were fooling around with Bobby. GEORGIA In retaliation. OSCAR (forced jovial) Well it's fun to reminisce about old times ... but now can we make nice, because when you fight, my checkbook gets nervous. How can you tug at the customer's hearts if you're at each others throats? GEORGIA Oh, this is how we always worked. We'd fight, then laugh it off ... make a joke about it ... AARON ... until one day we looked up and found that we were the punch line. (sings) FIRST THEY THINK, "WHY NOT GO FOR BROKE?" THEN THEY THINK THIS WAS ALL A JOKE. DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US? OSCAR That's good, joking, laughing, making beautiful music together ... GEORGIA FIRST THEY SPEND PERFECT SUMMER DAYS. THEN THEY SAY, "LET'S GO SEPARATE WAYS". DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US? OSCAR It's not good that you both feel bad.
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AARON AND THE DREAMS THEY DREAMED WERE ALL TORN IN HALF GEORGIA STOP! LOOK! WAIT FOR THE LAUGH. FIRST THEY SAY WHY NOT CLOSE THE DOOR? AARON THEN THEY'RE BOTH LONELY AS BEFORE. GEORGIA & AARON DEPRESSED, DESPAIRING, BUT OH, STILL CARING. DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US? OSCAR What I heard about the two of you was that a great husband and wife song writing team had gotten back together. Nobody told me you were only reconciling yourselves to the words and music. The two of you fighting is no laughing matter. AARON Who's laughing? GEORGIA Come on, Aaron. Can't you take a joke? GEORGIA & AARON CONFUSED BUT COPING AND OH, STILL HOPING AARON DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT US, GEORGIA DO YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT US? GEORGIA & AARON THE FUNNY JOKE ABOUT US? (BELLING enters.) BELLING Ah, Aaron, Georgia ... I have need to discuss with you a cut I wish to make in "My Heart is your Target"? Just a few bars -AARON Oh yeah? How many bars do you want me to cut? BELLING From bar one until there's bar none. (MORE)
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BELLING (Continued) And I wish you to fill this newly-created vacancy with a song so catchy it would take a vaccine to resist it. AARON Oh. Oh, you want me to write a "hit." BELLING Yes, and not some song from one of your failed shows, either -none of your Eine Kleine Trunkmusik. I want a bloody masterpiece. AARON A masterpiece? Why didn't you say so? How's this? (HE PLAYS "Che gelida manina" from "La Boheme".) BELLING My God. My God, that's fabulous. I knew you had it in you! AARON No,Puccini had it in him, not me. GEORGIA It's from "La Boheme," Chris. BELLING Eight people will know that and we can easily have them destroyed. OSCAR Sounds like a show stopper to me. AARON It's been stopping shows since 1896. BELLING With music, familiarity breeds content. I suspect you simply don't want your ex-wife singing an impassioned love song to Bobby. AARON Fine, have it your way. You'll get a new song so timeless, they'll be singing it at La Scala ... right about now. Come on, Georgia. GEORGIA We'll have to work fast. I've got a lot of choreography to learn. AARON Don't worry, the melody is half-written already. Correction. Make that already written.
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(THEY EXIT. BELLING greets the arriving CIOFFI.) BELLING Ah good morning, Herr Lieutenant! Had a lovely night sleeping in your Own Bed, did you? CIOFFI Sorry about that. BELLING Change of clothes, fresh shave and ... is that Old Spice you're wearing, you rake? CIOFFI Mennen Skin Bracer. BELLING I intrigue you, don't I, Lieutenant? CIOFFI As both a director and a suspect, Mr. Belling. (A COMMOTION OFF-STAGE as ENTERS SIDNEY BERNSTEIN and PLAINCLOTHES DETECTIVE O'FARRELL, trailed by CARMEN.) SIDNEY Goddamit, you can't make me stay! O'FARRELL Tell it to the Lieutenant. CARMEN There's no use fighting -- [joke to come] SIDNEY I've got meetings, important ones. CIOFFI Murder is kind of important, too, Mister ...? SIDNEY The name is Sidney Bernstein. You'll find it on the marquee of this theatre, just above the word "PRESENTS." I just got in on the first train out of Penn Station, I walk in the door and this lummox here -O'FARRELL I told him once he came in he couldn't leave. CIOFFI I'm afraid that's correct, Mr. Bernstein.
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SIDNEY I refuse to be put in this position! CARMEN My exact words on our honeymoon! BELLING Sidney, I'm tendering my resignation. If I have no professional reason to be here, I don't see how the police can keep me on the premises. SIDNEY (ominously) You wouldn't want to do that, Chris. BELLING (instantly) Oh what a very good point you raise, I never considered it in quite that light, well, mustn't stand here all day, scads to do, idle hands and all that ... (to self) In order to resign, whom do I have to dry-hump around here? O'FARRELL Mrs. Bernstein? CARMEN Hold on one second -O'FARRELL (to Carmen) No, I didn't mean -- I just want you to check this cast list. (BELLING exits as O'FARRELL reviews a list with CARMEN. SIDNEY says:) SIDNEY Lieutenant, I can't be a suspect, I was in Manhattan when Jessica got murdered. CIOFFI You can prove you were in New York? SIDNEY (moving them downstage) Can we talk as one man to another? CIOFFI I thought we were. SIDNEY (soto voce) I spent the night keeping company with a certain lady I've been keeping on the upper East Side. If I gave you her name, it could ruin her reputation.
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CIOFFI Your chivalry is touchingly convenient. CARMEN Sidney, what are you talking about? SIDNEY (as much to Cioffi as her) Just that I guess I'm staying? CIOFFI I guess. O'Farrell? O'FARRELL (moving to him) Yes, Lieutenant? CIOFFI Did we get the change of clothes for the cast yet? O'FARRELL I just handed them out myself. CIOFFI You, uh, picked out what I told you from Niki's closet? O'FARRELL Yeah, mainly blues and greens. You setting some kind of trap for her? CIOFFI No, I'm trying to match her eyes. Now did you find anything that would -(A nicely-attired MAN in his THIRTIES or early FORTIES enters.) GRADY Ah the crime scene and its -- dare I say it? -- Foul Play. CIOFFI (to O'FARRELL) Who's he? O'FARRELL No idea. CIOFFI This place is turning into Back Bay Station -- Excuse me? Lieutenant Frank Cioffi, Homicide. Mind telling me who are you and how you got in here?
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GRADY (flashing credentials) As a member of the press, I'm exempt from your quarantine, Lieutenant. Daryl Grady of the Boston Globe. CIOFFI Really. After the review you gave "Robbin' Hood," I can't imagine why on earth you'd show your face here. SIDNEY Because we asked him to be. Thanks for coming by on such short notice, Mr. Grady. CARMEN Despite the things you wrote about us. GRADY I tried my level best to find something good about the show. I praised the choreography, after all ... and said the young woman who played the schoolmarm, Niki um ... CIOFFI Harris. GRADY Harris showed great promise -CARMEN Which only made what you said about everyone else that much worse. GRADY Well, it's all history now. Please accept my condolences over the loss of your star and your show. SIDNEY Your sympathy is premature. When you interviewed me last week, I told you we were going to Broadway no matter what your review said. I guess you didn't take me seriously. CARMEN Mr. Grady, we want you to review our show a second time. GRADY Sorry but that's ridiculous. CARMEN We're making big changes. We plan to iron out the kinks over the next week, then officially re-open "Robbin' Hood" here in Boston "en route to Broadway!" CIOFFI Oh yes.
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GRADY Re-open it? Jessica Cranshaw is dead, the whole show was built around her! CIOFFI That was their biggest problem. CARMEN With Georgia Hendricks taking over, I think you owe us a second look. GRADY Georgia Hendricks. Wow. That's an unusual idea -- and, yes, there is a precedent for re-reviewing a show when the lead is replaced. Yes, all right, Sidney, Carmen: I'll grant your request and review tomorrow night's show. CARMEN Tomorrow night's show? But that's -- tomorrow! GRADY That's the best I can offer. But be warned: I can't imagine any show surviving two bad reviews from the Globe in one week. You might want to consider some other possibilities. SIDNEY Carmen, you better go tell our director that his new deadline is tomorrow night. CARMEN He's going to love that. (CARMEN exits as NIKI has entered, dressed in blue and green.) NIKI Oh, Lieutenant. Good morning. CIOFFI You've just made it one, Miss Harris. NIKI And you're back from New York, Mr. Bernstein! SIDNEY That blue and green outfit goes very nicely with your eyes, Niki. CIOFFI Thank you. NIKI And oh my gosh. Daryl Grady. Am I allowed to offer my thanks for the kind words you wrote in your review?
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(She offers her hand but GRADY doesn't take it.) GRADY Please don't misunderstand, Miss Harris, but I try not to fraternize with the artists whom I review. NIKI Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean -GRADY Quite all right. You did stand out in what was an otherwise abundantly misguided production. CIOFFI Mr. Grady, I thought your review of "Robbin' Hood" was needlessly cruel and way off the mark. GRADY I'm not sure you know how to judge acting, Lieutenant. CIOFFI Well, of course, you're the expert. However, I regret to inform you that I'm now placing you under arrest for the crime of murder. (ALL react in shock.) GRADY What? Have you lost your mind? CIOFFI Any statement you make may be taken down in writing and used against you in a court of law. GRADY This is insane! What in God's name are you saying? CIOFFI I'm saying my best lines from Agatha Christie's Murder at the Rectory. I played Inspector Hedge for the Natick Town Players two summers ago. (mock-surprised) Oh. Did you think I was saying that for real? Gosh. I'm not sure you know how to judge acting, Mr. Grady. (beat) You can go now. SIDNEY Come on, Grady, I'll walk you to the door. (SIDNEY and GRADY exit.) NIKI Swell acting, Lieutenant, and not just on a community theatre level. I mean college.
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CIOFFI Well, oh, thank you. NIKI And how is your investigation coming along, if I may ask? CIOFFI I was just going over Sid Bernstein's financial records. Do you know that everyone in this show is working for the absolute Equity minimum -- I mean, even the late Jessica Cranshaw? You were her understudy and Bambi is yours and yet all three of you were making the same salary ... Look, this is no place to talk, let's you and me get out of here -NIKI You won't let me leave. CIOFFI Damn. (BOBBY, GEORGIA and AARON and CAST are drifting in.) BOBBY Sorry Lieutenant, but we need this space now. We're reblocking the Keelboat number. CIOFFI Oh I'm going to have to watch this. BOBBY (concerned) Why, do you think something's going to happen? CIOFFI No, I just really like this number. Although. AARON What? CIOFFI Oh, it's nothing, but -- my gosh, I can't believe I'm actually saying this and, and shoot me with my own gun if I'm out of line -BOBBY What is it? CIOFFI I don't think just changing the choreography is going to help. The song itself is kind of lackluster. It lacks ... BOBBY Yes?
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CIOFFI Luster. You, Big John and Parson Tuck adrift on the mighty Colorado on a boat that's sinking fast ... rapids ahead, storm brewing ... great stuff, it's your eleven o'clock number. But Aaron's music -- it's ... Sasha? A little bit of "In the Same Boat," please? BOBBY Randy, Harv, help me out here. GEORGIA, AARON, NIKI & BAMBI IN THE SAME BOAT ON THE SAME SEA SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIP NARY A SAIL NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON OH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILL STOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESS WE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEAR WHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S. CIOFFI You see what I'm saying? It's just kind of mild-mannered for such a big moment in the show -AARON You're talking about my song? GEORGIA Our song. BELLING I have said more than once this particular number lacks verve -GEORGIA (to Aaron) I think maybe Chris is right -AARON (angered) Great, fine, "Aaron Fox, Songs by the Yard" -- I'll try to write a snappier tune! But you'll be happy to know Georgia and I have come up with the hit song you wanted. BELLING Bless you, Aaron. AARON It's not my best work but I think Georgia will be great singing it and that's what matters.
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GEORGIA (quietly stunned) Aaron, that's so gracious and giving and completely unlike you. BELLING Ah, but I've decided this song is no longer for you, Georgia. It will be sung by you, Niki. CIOFFI Oh this is terrific. BELLING (taking Niki downstage) You'll sing it in Act Two, scene three, waiting for Rob Hood along the banks of the mighty Colorado River, cheating your profile in the direction of the left aisle seat of Row H. NIKI Why there? BELLING Because I've just been informed that Daryl Grady of the Boston Globe will be sitting in that seat tomorrow night. He liked you in his first review and I intend to build up your part so he'll like you, and therefore us, even more. CIOFFI And I would like to question everyone who isn't rehearsing in the Green Room. (PROTESTS!) CIOFFI (Continued) Now you know, that's so strange. Why do you all object? BELLING Because we have so much work to do! CIOFFI No, you don't understand. I'm asking, why do ALL of you always object in unison as if you're all of one mind? So interesting. Well, I'll find out, one way or another. Everyone, follow me down to the Green Room, please. (As the COMPANY EXITS, BELLING has an impromptu thought.) BELLING Johnny, leave Niki in Light Cue Five for the moment ... (LIGHTING SHIFT, MUSICAL INTRO.)
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SCENE 5 Simultaneously on THE COLONIAL STAGE and in THE GREEN ROOM (NIKI performs the song while CIOFFI interrogates in the Green Room.) NIKI (Reading from music, SHE sings:) I'VE GOT A QUESTION A SIMPLE QUESTION -CIOFFI -- a question or two for everyone in the cast, and honesty will prove to be the best policy. NIKI PLEASE ANSWER NOW -MY WAND'RIN' WRANGLER, WHERE WERE YOU? CIOFFI Where were each of you at the time of the murder? NIKI YOU NEVER MADE A SOUND. CIOFFI And none of you heard anything suspicious? NIKI A LONE COYOTE ECHOED "WHERE WERE YOU ..." [extra bar needed here] CIOFFI Carmen, Oscar, Aaron, Georgia, you say you were together, watching the show from the back of the theatre ... NIKI YOU WARNT NO PLACE TO BE FOUND! CIOFFI ... while your director was taking a walk at the time that Jessica was poisoned? NIKI YOU WENT AND HID YOUR HIDE FROM ME CIOFFI Bobby, why have you been hiding your back injury? NIKI NOW HONEY LAMB, DON'T LIE!
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CIOFFI Don't lie to me Oscar about your great passion for the theatre ... NIKI YOU'D BETTER TELL ME TRUE EXACTLY WHERE WERE YOU? CIOFFI Johnny was watching the cast from the wings -- but who was watching Johnny? NIKI OR ELSE GOODBYE. CIOFFI You all bid goodbye to big bucks on Broadway for the dubious pleasure of working for beans in Boston? NIKI SO THINK ABOUT IT TAKE YOUR TIME ... CIOFFI Time is working against us. NIKI NOW DARLIN' PLEASE DON'T LIE ... CIOFFI Lies, all lies! A distinguished director abandons John Gielgud to coach a fading film star he hates? NIKI AND TELL ME, WHERE WERE YOU?
CIOFFI And where were you?
NIKI EXACTLY WHERE WERE YOU?
And you?
NIKI OR YOU MIGHT WONDER
CIOFFI (musing) I wonder.
NIKI WHERE AM I?
CIOFFI I learn you're all working for minimum wage with a star you all loathe in a musical you can't wait to quit --
NIKI YOU
CIOFFI
CIOFFI You think I believe you?
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NIKI MIGHT WONDER
CIOFFI I can only wonder ...
NIKI WHERE ...
CIOFFI ... where would you get such an idea?
AM
NIKI
CIOFFI Am I crazy? Someone tell me ..
NIKI (simultaneously with Cioffi:) I.....!
CIOFFI (sings, simultaneously) WHY.....!
(COMPANY applauds NIKI.) BELLING Johnny: the final scene of Act One from the final bars in the bar at the Bar B Bar Saloon! (COMPANY PROTESTS!) HARV For crying out loud, Chris, the Lieutenant has been grilling us for hours and we're dead on our feet! BELLING I must block the end of Act One. Then we'll call it a night. AARON Hey Georgia, I hear Bobby has restaged your curtain number so that now it's all about you coming on to him. GEORGIA Maybe now it is. Your music said "Vamp til ready" and Bobby decided I'm ready. AARON He's lucky he doesn't have an understudy. It's the only reason I haven't killed him yet. (THE SET has changed to an opulent Western gambling saloon. THE CAST enters in Wild West outfits, the woman all SALOON HALL GIRLS. CARMEN has joined AARON and OSCAR.) BELLING Carmen, you look as pale as an albino mime. CARMEN Well, this is the first run-through of Georgia's big production number. If she's no good, we're dead. I feel ...
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BELLING Like a condemned prisoner on the gallows? CARMEN Yeah, how'd you know? BELLING Because you're standing on a trap door. CARMEN Jesus! Thanks for the warning. (stepping back) I tell you, Chris, it's this Niki Harris who's the real discovery here. I'm thinking we should give Georgia's part to Niki when we go to Broadway. BELLING Let's worry about Boston first. (to Company) All right, people! No matter what happens, I want to get to the Act One curtain without stopping for any -CIOFFI One minute, please! (CIOFFI is carrying a BRIEFCASE.) BELLING Oh for pity's sake, Lieutenant, I beseech you to let me finish this run-through. CIOFFI I promise I'll only take a second. (to cast) I've interviewed all of you now, and although you seem to be really nice people, I'm afraid my men have turned up a very compromising document concerning one of you. (He flourishes the briefcase) So when you've finished this number, please stay where you are. I have some questions to ask a certain cast member, and I may need the rest of you to -(to Belling) By the way, which number are you rehearsing? BELLING The finale for Act One. It's the first time Georgia has performed it with the full cast. JOHNNY Lieutenant, a phone call from some insurance company in New York. CIOFFI I better stow this bag.
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(CIOFFI opens the lid of an upright piano in the saloon and puts the briefcase in it.) CIOFFI (Continued) You'll keep an eye on it for me, Chris? BELLING Very well. Sasha: giddyup. (CIOFFI EXITS.) MALE PATRONS We want Marian! Ma-dam Marian!! We want Marian!!! Ma-dam -GEORGIA (as Madam Marian) "Hello cowpokes! Have you seen the tops of my stockings? One says Merry Christmas ... the other says Happy New Year. Who wants to spend some time with me In Between The Holidays? (UPROAR!) RANDY (drunken COWBOY) Sing the song that got you driven out of Topeka on a hand rail, honey! GEORGIA (playing to Bobby) I'm singin' this one for my man, Rob Hood! GEORGIA (Continued) I CAN TELL WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND. IT'LL MELT YOU IF YOU LET IT.. SO HERE IS MY ADVICE TO YOU IN JUST TWO WORDS... FORGET IT! I'VE GOT SOME SWEET HIPS, RIGHT? I'VE GOT TWO HOT LIPS, RIGHT? YOU WANT TO TOUCH THEM? YOU WANT TO KISS THEM? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! I'VE GOT A NICE RUMP, RIGHT? IT'S MAKES A NICE BUMP, RIGHT? YOU WANT TO PINCH IT? YOU WANT TO SQUEEZE IT? DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! YOU COULD NEVER KEEP ME UNDER YOUR CONTROL. YOU COULD NEVER TOUCH ME EVEN WITH A TEN FOOT POLE (IN CASE YOU'VE GOT A TEN FOOT POLE). THINK OF YOUR BRONCOS. WHOA! THINK OF THOSE HEIFFERS. NO! (MORE)
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GEORGIA (Continued) THEY DON'T EXCITE YOU, SO YOU MUST BE THINKING WHAT I THINK YOUR THINKING AND IF THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! (DANCE BREAK.) I ENJOY MY FREEDOM EVEN THOUGH I TEASE. YOU CAN'T WIN ME OVER EVEN DOWN ON BENDED KNEES (THOUGH YOU'D LOOK GOOD ON BENDED KNEES). THINK OF YOUR SWEETHEARTS. MEN NO! GEORGIA HOW 'BOUT YOUR GRANDMAS? MEN NO! GEORGIA THINK OF YOUR SISTERS. MEN NO! GEORGIA HOW 'BOUT YOUR BUNKMATES? MEN NO! GEORGIA THEY DON'T EXCITE YOU, SO I HATE TO BE UNKIND ... BUT I THINK YOU'RE THINKING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE THINKING. AND IF THAT IS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, COWBOY DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! MEN WE ALWAYS THINK ABOUT IT! GEORGIA TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT! MEN CAN'T HELP BUT THINK ABOUT IT!
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GEORGIA DOES IT HURT WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT? MEN YEP, IT'S HARD WHEN WE'RE THINKING ABOUT IT! GEORGIA WELL, IT'S WRONG TO KEEP THINKING ABOUT IT! MEN BUT THIS SONG KEEPS US THINKING ABOUT IT! GEORGIA GET ME OFF ... MEN IT'S TOO LATE 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY ... GEORGIA YOUR ... GEORGIA AND MEN MIND! BELLING All right, I want to set our pose for the curtain so -(ALL LIGHTS ON STAGE GO OUT. A COMMOTION ... then:) CIOFFI Lights! (THE LIGHTS COME UP, and most of the COMPANY are frozen, grouped around the fake piano, which has been torn open. Much of the cast has CIOFFI's briefcase. SASHA is frozen as if trying to climb out of the pit.) CIOFFI (Continued) As I thought. As you were. There's nothing in the briefcase, by the way. I talk with all of you, make a few phone calls, and what do I come up with? A film star named Jessica Cranshaw working for scale in an open-ended Broadway run. (indicating Belling) A distinguished director who despises his leading lady but slaves to make the show work all the same. (indicating Bobby) An award-winning choreographer who performs against the orders of his orthopedic surgeon. (MORE)
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CIOFFI (Continued) (indicates Oscar) A one-man-bank named Oscar Shapiro, who despite having no prior interest in theatre, sinks one payment after another into this musical. (indicates the Cast) A Company that can't help but celebrate when their show is torn to ribbons by the critics, because you think this means you are at long last free to take better jobs back on Broadway. (to Carmen) What does this mean to me? That Sid Bernstein has been blackmailing every member of this company into working on this show! (UPROAR; looks at the FEMALE ENSEMBLE) Even you dancers? JAN (hesitantly) All of us have ... worked for Sidney before. I guess we'd all prefer that our husbands and boyfriends don't know how we got our first job in a Sid Bernstein production. CIOFFI (to Male Dancers) And what about you chorus boys? You all seem like clean-cut fellows -- I mean, what could all of you have possibly done that you wouldn't want the folks back home to know? (Awkward beat. Then:) RANDY, JOHNNY, HARV (overlapping in their most butch voice:) Sure beats me, pal! / What do you mean, big guy? / Hey, that chick sure has a big rack of knockers! CIOFFI Look, I'm not here to uncover all your dark secrets ... only the one that might have some connection to the death of Jessica Cranshaw. Normally I'm handed a murder victim and I have to eliminate all the wrong suspects. Here I've been handed all the right suspects but have the wrong victim! Logically, it ought to be Sidney Bernstein on a slab in the morgue right now, not Jessica Cranshaw. CARMEN Listen folks, I had no idea this was how Sidney got you to work so cheap. I handle the creative end, he handles the books. The buck stops with him. CIOFFI And he's going to pay for this. You're all still murder suspects, but at least you won't be blackmailed any more. (MORE)
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CIOFFI (Continued) (HAPPY CRIES from the CAST) Now get to work! You may have joined this show for the wrong reasons, but you're going to press on ... because Oscar deserves a return on his investment OSCAR Thank you. CIOFFI ... and the best way for me to solve Jessica's murder is to keep the heat turned up on all of you in this pressure cooker of a theatre ... and lastly ... because this could be a REALLY GOOD SHOW! Take it, Chris. BELLING Very good, let's have the last four bars! BOBBY Five, six, seven, eight! GEORGIA & COMPANY (sing:) GET ME OFF YOUR MIND! BELLING And Freeze in that position, and curtain! (The curtain doesn't drop.) BELLING (Continued) Why is there no curtain? JOHNNY (OVER P.A.) We're having a little trouble with it. BELLING I want it down, now! JOHNNY (OVER P.A.) How's this? (The CURTAIN drops slowly -- but a rope behind a long gambling table upstage rises faster than the curtain descends. In a noose at the end of the rope is SIDNEY BERNSTEIN, his face blue, his arms and legs flailing horribly as he rises toward the fly loft. THE CURTAIN finishes its fall, with CIOFFI and BELLING in front of it.)
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BELLING Did you see something go up as the curtain went down? CIOFFI My god! Raise the curtain, quick! JOHNNY Curtain! (THE CURTAIN rises and BERNSTEIN, still flailing, descends.) BELLING Johnny, don't lower the CURTAIN! JOHNNY (OVER P.A.) (misunderstanding) Curtain! (THE CURTAIN again descends and BERNSTEIN again rises toward the flies.) BELLING No, raise the curtain! JOHNNY Curtain! (The CURTAIN RISES again, fast, but this time BERNSTEIN's body stays hanging at the top of the stage. His arms are limp.) JOHNNY (Continued) I think we fixed the curtain! CIOFFI You better make it a blackout. BLACKOUT END OF ACT 1
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THE NEXT DAY. The Curtain is down. From a distance we hear: COMPANY OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! SASHA THE MAN IS DEAD, THE MAN IS DEAD, THIS IS NO JOKE, THE MAN DID CROAK THE MAN IS DEAD. HE'S BREATHED HIS LAST, HE'S IN THE PAST, HE'S LOST HIS LEASE SO REST IN PEACE THE MAN IS DEAD! COMPANY OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO! OOOOOOOOOOO!
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ACT 2 SCENE 2 (THE CURTAIN RISES on THE COMPANY, who are bunking down on stage in various states of undress. But who can sleep when a murderer is on the loose? A CHOREOGRAPHED PRODUCTION NUMBER with the cast creeping about, flashlights in hand, casting eerie, criss-crossing shadows around the stage and scaring each other half to death as they VOICE their suspicions. It's all very Nick and Nora, Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, Abbott and Costello, Masters and Johnson.) GEORGIA You can't sleep either, huh? BOBBY Every time I close my eyes, I see that rope around Sidney's neck, his features twisted, his lips drooling, his mouth wide open -GEORGIA You got any chewing gum? BOBBY (matter of fact) Fresh out. Look, isn't that our director sneaking around? GEORGIA Murder is a very British thing, isn't it? I mean, it's almost like a hobby over there. BOBBY Yeah, if I had to bet, I'd say he did it. (THE COMPANY is caught in a new light and realizes:) GROUP A AH ... HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT HE DID IT, HE DID IT, I'M SURE ALTHOUGH HE APPEARS WITH A POSTURE THAT'S PIOUS HIS PRINCIPLES HARDLY ARE PURE. IT ISN'T A STRETCH TO BELIEVE IT THAT MURDEROUS MOTIVE WAS HIS HE DID IT, HE DID IT, HE DID IT THEN HID IT, AND NOW HE IS OFF TO A PRIS ... ... ON!
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AARON You think it was Bambi? NIKI No, Aaron! I don't think it's possible that Bambi would kill her own father -- ?? AARON Step-father. Maybe he was blackmailing her because he thought she'd killed Jessica. NIKI Why would she do that? AARON So you'd take over the lead and Bambi would get your part. NIKI Oh how silly, she should have just killed me. (beat) I never said that. AARON She's a tough cookie with everybody but her mother. I bet she did it. GROUP B AH ... SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, I KNOW. SHE HIT HIM AND HUNG HIM AND AFTER SHE'D STRUNG HIM HE SWUNG LIKE A YO-YO HIGH-LOW. THE FACTS ARE NOT REALLY SURPRISING HER MORALS ARE PROBABLY LOOSE SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT THEN HID IT, AND NOW SHE IS OFF TO THE HOOSE ... ... GOW! OSCAR Hey Mr. Director, you got any casting suggestions for the title role of whodunit? BELLING Aaron and Georgia might make an interestingly murderous duo. Song-writing teams are conspiratorial by nature, huddling, whispering, plotting how to undo the director ... and they're all quite, quite mad. Yes, I could easily believe that they did it. GROUP C AHA, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, I'VE WORKED WITH THOSE LOSERS BEFORE! THEY WENT RIGHT AHEAD AND THEY SLAUGHTERED TWO PEOPLE THE SAME WAY THEY SLAUGHTERED THE SCORE. (MORE)
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GROUP C (Continued) WELL, THIS IS THE END OF THEIR OUTPUT. THEIR FUTURE IS NOT WORTH A THING THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT, THEY DID IT THEN HID IT, AND SOON THEY'LL BE GOING TO SING ... ... SING! GROUPS A, B, & C (EACH repeats their chorus contrapuntally) HE [SHE] [THEY] DID IT ... HE [SHE] [THEY] DID IT ... [Etc.] (At the end:) ... -SING! -SON! -GOW! OSCAR (to Belling) Well, whoever killed Jessica and Sidney deserves both the electric chair and my deepest gratitude. He's made us a front page story -- the best advertising my money didn't have to buy. CIOFFI Good afternoon, folks. BELLING Ah, welcome back Lieutenant to your marathon production of No Exit. CIOFFI I've just come from the coroner and thought you'd all want to know that Sidney Bernstein's demise has been pronounced "death by asphyxiation." His neck getting broken at the very end didn't help much either. BELLING Nonetheless, I suppose one of us ought to drive a stake through his heart, just to be safe. GEORGIA Chris, not in front of his widow! (to Carmen) How are you holding up, Carmen? CARMEN (looks up) You all sent out for sandwiches and nobody thought to tell me? GEORGIA Well let's at least be considerate of his daughter.
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BAMBI Step-daughter. And even though I was his very own step-flesh and step-blood, I never got a single break from him I didn't earn twice over. He was the father I never had -- literally. BOBBY I guess we all thought about strangling him one time or another. OSCAR At least everybody has an alibi. All of us were standing on the stage when Bernstein got the old heave-ho. CIOFFI I'm afraid that gets no one off the hook. The coroner's office found a grapefruit-sized bump on Bernstein's head. It wouldn't have been there if he'd been struck after he was dead. OSCAR How's that? CIOFFI Corpses don't bruise. OSCAR You learn something new every day. CIOFFI Someone bashed him over the head, unhooked a rope from a counterweight sandbag -- like that one over there -- and wrapped it around Bernstein's neck, knowing that when the curtain went down, the rope would finish the job if he wasn't dead already. Being hoisted up in the air must have caused him to regain consciousness. AARON He woke up just in time to die, huh? GEORGIA My god, that's horrible. CIOFFI So you see, he could have been killed by any person who had access to this stage. Such as Johnny. JOHNNY Oh, gosh, I don't want any special treatment. CIOFFI We found a copy of "Variety" with words cut out of it in the stage manager's office. A room you keep under lock and key. JOHNNY Chris and Oscar have keys as well.
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CIOFFI Then it seems like you three gentlemen get to be my first official murder suspects. BELLING Well it's an honor just to be nominated. CIOFFI (to Company) But keep in mind, you're all under suspicion. I found this little black book in Bernstein's breast pocket, containing all your names alongside his personal secret code. Obviously because each one of you was being blackmailed. NIKI No! (As all look at her.) Meaning "No, I wasn't being blackmailed" but also meaning, "No! I've just found more death threats." (bringing her script to Cioffi) This time addressed to Sidney Bernstein.[] CIOFFI Yes, I suspected we'd turn up another death threat, since the "Variety" we found in Johnny's office was missing different words than the ones sent to the late Miss Cranshaw. NIKI But why would the killer put death threats intended for Mr. Bernstein in my script? CIOFFI That's such a good question, Miss Harris. I think -- I think the killer wants me to see these notes ... and picked you to deliver them because you've already proven yourself to be reliable, and trustworthy, and ... just so very nice. NIKI Well thanks. (long beat.) The death threats? CIOFFI Death threats. Of course. (reads:) "Dear Sidney: close the show or I'll drop the curtain on you." OSCAR Oh my god! Sid Bernstein died for nothing. He told me that he was gonna close the show. CIOFFI When?
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OSCAR In his office just before he got himself hoisted. He said somebody had made him change his mind about keeping Robbin' Hood open and told me to save my money for his next Boston show. Last time I saw him, he was going upstairs to tell you the news, Carmen. CARMEN And somebody killed him before he got to me. Gee, that's so strange. It wasn't like my late husband to get cold feet, although he sure has them now. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if someone had been blackmailing him? OSCAR Hilarious, but he really did change his mind, Carmen. He gave me back the very last check I'd written him, see? CARMEN (takes the check) Thanks, we'll be needing that 'cause I'm not changing my mind for anything. Come on, Oscar, let's figure how we spend this. OSCAR Oh good. (THEY EXIT as NIKI sees CIOFFI lost in thought.) NIKI Lieutenant? What's the matter? CIOFFI It's been troubling me since yesterday. I just don't -- I mean, why is it that Bobby -BOBBY What. CIOFFI I mean, of all the people on this stage, you -BOBBY All right, Lieutenant, spit it out. CIOFFI You ought to be in the Fort Wilderness Square Dance number. BOBBY Beg pardon? CIOFFI You'd stop the show. After all, we know Rob Hood is going to be at the sharpshooting contest the next day, wouldn't you go to the big hoedown in disguise?
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AARON Interesting you say that. GEORGIA It's what we had in mind, but Jessica couldn't handle the staging -BELLING But we no longer have that little problem. Bobby, can you improvise a short turn for yourself in time for tonight? BOBBY Sure, but I don't know if I'll be able to make the costume change for the next scene. CIOFFI Well, for gosh sakes, Bobby, it's just losing a moustache and putting on the hood, would it kill you to try? BOBBY Around here these days, maybe. CIOFFI I'll watch from out front. BELLING We'll time it out now, just improvise a little something -Johnny, the Fort Wilderness square dance number! JOHNNY (yelling) The Fort Wilderness square dance number! BELLING Well I can do that. CIOFFI I'm going to watch from the house. BOBBY Bambi, as long as we're rehearsing the number, why don't you put in that little comedy bit you came up with for yourself? BAMBI Bobby, I'm so moved and touched and grateful. BOBBY Actually, this was Aaron's idea. BAMBI Aaron, I'm so grateful and touched and moved. GEORGIA Aaron: just when did this idea first originate in your groin? BAMBI Oh please, Georgia. Aaron has not tried anything with me. (flirtatiously to Aaron) Not, of course, that I would mind.
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GEORGIA Not, of course, that you have one. BAMBI (to ALL) Everyone, oh thank you, I'm grateful and moved -GEORGIA And definitely touched. BOBBY Come on, Bambi, we'll work in the change. (BAMBI and BOBBY Exit.) BELLING Johnny, get the cast back out here, there's only a few hours before we're going to be -GRADY -- reevaluated, reappraised, and re-reviewed by Daryl Grady of the Boston Globe. (DARYL GRADY has entered.) BELLING You're Daryl Grady? Not what I expected, but then, I've never actually seen a picture of you. GRADY Anonymity is part of a critic's repertoire. CARMEN Hello, Mr. Grady. Like to get to the theatre early, do you? BELLING I know I shouldn't bite the hand that slaps me, but it's, it's unethical for you to review our rehearsal -GRADY No, no, you forget I report on theatre as well as review it. Your show is news and I'll be interviewing members of your company down in the Green Room -- with your permission, Mrs. Bernstein. OSCAR More free publicity, Carmen. CARMEN Yeah, okay. My late husband would have killed himself to get this much press, if somebody in this show hadn't killed him first. The Green Room is yours, Grady. (BOBBY returns.)
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BELLING All right everyone Kansasland. Sasha... yee haw. RANDY (as Parson Tuck) AN ANGRY MEAN OLD YELLER DOG DRESSED UP LIKE DANIEL BOONE, A BANDAGE ROUND HIS FRONT RIGHT LEG, HE WALKS IN THE SALOON. "I DON'T WANT WHISKEY," SAYS THE DOG, "I AIM TO MIND THE LAW. I ONLY CAME TO TOWN TO FIND THE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW!" COMPANY IN KANSASLAND, THE EARTH IS MIGHTY FLAT! SO IN KANSASLAND, YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE JUST WHERE YOU'RE AT! IN KANSASLAND, EVERYBODY'S CLOSE TO GOD! SO IN KANSASLAND, IT JUST DON'T PAY TO BE TOO ODD! Yee Haw! RANDY (as Parson Tuck) IN TOMBSTONE, OLD DOC HOLIDAY, MADE HOUSECALLS TO THIS GAL WHO WORKED AT A BORDELLO CALLED "THE IT'S OKAY CORRAL" DOC SET HER UP WITH WYATT EARP, BUT SHE WAS NOT IMPRESSED. SHE SAID, "TOO BAD HE'S GOT THE FASTEST PISTOL IN THE WEST." COMPANY IN KANSASLAND, WHERE THE PRAIRIE MEETS THE SKY! IN KANSASLAND, AIN'T NO FINER PLACE TO LIVE AND DIE THAN KANSASLAND, WHERE YOUR HOME IS ON THE RANGE BUT IN KANSASLAND, IT AIN'T TOO SMART TO BE TOO STRANGE! Yee Haw! (BAMBI has a sparkling comedy solo bit in the number, a real stand-out moment for her, causing even CARMEN to beam with parental pride. BOBBY then breaks into a SOLO DANCE. Dancers leap crisscross behind him as he, too, leaps -- SUDDENLY A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT. BOBBY stumbles and falls to the ground.)
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CIOFFI Step back! I've got men posted at all the exits, so nobody's getting out, including whoever fired that shot. Bobby ... BOBBY Hey, I'm bleeding. CIOFFI (examines Bobby's arm) Looks like it's just a crease wound. Did anyone see anybody fire a weapon? BAMBI Wait a minute, aren't we all sitting ducks here? CIOFFI There are two types of murderers: those who just want to kill somebody and those who want to get away with it. Whoever shot Bobby has had plenty of time to fire again if all he wanted to do was kill Bobby. They obviously took their best shot and ran ... unless of course it was you, Sasha. SASHA I'm having baton in my right hand, my left is turning the pages of the score every few seconds. You try shooting a moving target that way. CIOFFI "A moving target." Good point, Maestro. (helping BOBBY to his feet.) Bobby, how many people knew you'd be leaping when you did? BOBBY Well, nobody. I was ad-libbing, remember? CIOFFI So it would be a tall order for someone to shoot you in midair. Unless ... you weren't the person they were trying to shoot. Everybody, go back to exactly where were you when Bobby jumped. (CIOFFI steps over to the two MEN carrying a prop Canoe.) CIOFFI (Continued) Guys, the canoe was about there when the shot rang out? HARV That's right ... CIOFFI Uh-huh. And here's where the bullet entered ... it's just balsa wood, whoever fired the gun probably knew he could shoot right through it ...
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HARV Oh my god, we could have been killed! CIOFFI And here's where it exited. Johnny, hand me one of those yellow streamers. See, with the two bullet holes, we should be able to determine ... just by threading the streamer through this hole and the one on the other side ... yup, there you go. BOBBY Fancy shooting. CIOFFI Too damn fancy. Bobby, you jumped into the bullet's path, but it continued past you ... so that it was really fired at a dancer such as ... (walks forward, faces Harv) You. Why aren't you wounded? HARV I am, deep down, but I put up a good front. (nods at Male Dancer behind him.) You can ask him why. CIOFFI Are you usually standing here at this point in the number? HARV No, when Bobby jumped, I moved here to give him room. CIOFFI Oh. So you weren't the target either. So the bullet must have been aimed at ... (walks forward) you, Niki. NIKI I'm planted right here throughout the number. I guess that means the bullet was meant for me. CIOFFI Oh thank God. NIKI What do you mean? CIOFFI Well, you couldn't very well have shot at yourself, right? So I can rule you out as the killer. NIKI You hadn't ruled me out already, Lieutenant?
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CIOFFI (searching the scenery behind her) But ... where's the bullet? It grazed Bobby and then -- Wait a second. Bobby, you're holding that handkerchief against your left arm. BOBBY Well, it's bleeding. CIOFFI But that's impossible. If the shot came from out there, (indicates the audience) and through the canoe, and you were leaping with your right side to the audience, there's no way the bullet could graze the left side of your left arm. (He looks at the TRAPPER MEN holding the canoe.) Guys? Why are those straps hanging down from the canoe? RUSSELL Oh, I guess we're holding it upside down. CIOFFI "You're holding it upside down." supposed to go.
Please put it the way it's
(They invert the canoe.) CIOFFI (Continued) There. So it's exactly the opposite, the bullet was fired from upstage left, grazed Bobby and went through the canoe, on its way to ... you, Carmen. CARMEN Me. CIOFFI (examining the proscenium) Yup, and here's the bullet, in the proscenium. CARMEN But that would mean -- that the shot was fired ... CIOFFI ... by someone on this stage or just behind that scenery up there. Chris, Aaron, Johnny, Oscar, was anyone with you when you heard the shot? BELLING & OSCAR & AARON & JOHNNY I doubt it. / Nah. / No such luck. / 'Fraid not. CIOFFI So the only people who couldn't have fired the shot are Carmen and Sasha, because you're both downstage of Bobby. (MORE)
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CIOFFI (Continued) (to Belling) And by the way, don't you think Bobby should play his dance much further downstage? BELLING I was planning to have the same idea. CIOFFI (to Cast) Well, I'm afraid we'll have to search all of you ... (LOUD PROTESTS) NIKI There won't be any need for that! (NIKI is holding a gun.) BAMBI She did it! COMPANY (instantly singing with orchestra) SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, SHE DID IT, OUR NIKI IS TRICKY AND -CIOFFI Please stop that. (cautiously) Niki? What are you doing with that gun? NIKI I found it behind this barrel. It's an automatic, so I guess it can't be a prop in our western story. (laughs) At least I won't be leaving my fingerprints on the evidence this time: there's tape wrapped around the handle and the uhm -(The GUN EXPLODES.) NIKI (Continued) -- trigger. Gosh, I might have killed you, Frank. CIOFFI Hand me the gun very slowly, Niki. CARMEN Well I have something to say to whichever one of you tried to knock me off. KNOCK IT OFF! And let me warn you: this cast will not stand by while someone tries to murder me! (Beat.)
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RANDY You know we're way overdue for a break, Chris. BELLING Quite right, give them a ten, Johnny. JOHNNY We're on a ten, everyone. BELLING Well I can do that. (THE COMPANY greets this with delight and quickly EXITS.) CARMEN Cioffi, you're gonna protect me, right? There's already been two murders committed on this stage. BELLING Three if you count the integrity of musical theatre. CIOFFI You couldn't be surrounded by more police than you are at the moment, Mrs. Bernstein. And if the killer does strike, rest assured he'll pay the full penalty of the law. CARMEN Please tell me that's not Plan A. BAMBI Come on, mother. You need to get something to eat. (sees her hesitate) If you're nervous, I'll taste your food for you. CARMEN You have no taste, Elaine. I've seen your make-up, your closet and your boyfriends. And I've seen a couple of your boyfriends in the closet with your makeup. BAMBI You never have a good word to say about me, do you? Especially in public. I thought I did pretty good in that last number. CARMEN You were okay, which you ought to be considering the fifteen years of singing, dancing, and acting lessons I paid for. Buying dancing lessons for you was like buying gloves for Captain Hook. CIOFFI Uhm, maybe I should leave --
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CARMEN No, you have dreams of being in the theatre, you should hear this, too. Elaine, I may be your mother, but as a Broadway producer, there's something even more important to me than getting you a star turn. BAMBI What. CARMEN Me turning a profit. (SHE sings) I'VE NEVER BEEN KNOWN AS ONE OF THOSE STUPID CLUCKS, ELAINE... BAMBI Bambi -CARMEN WHO PISSES AWAY A LOT OF HER HARD-EARNED BUCKS, ELAINE ... BAMBI Bambi! CARMEN BUT FACING THE FACT YOUR COLORATURA SUCKS -BAMBI! THOUGH IT BREAKS YOUR MOTHER'S HEART FORGET ABOUT THE PART IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW WHY I REALLY BACKED THIS SHOW YOU ASK ME FOR MY MOTIVES WELL, YOU NEEDN'T BE SO SMART IT'S A BUSINESS! IT ISN'T MAKING HISTORY IT ISN'T MAKING ART IT'S A BUSINESS! SHAW AND IBSEN TAKE 'EM AWAY AND DON'T BOTHER ME WITH MOLIERE THOSE RUSSIANS NEVER PAY SO, GO ON, CRITICIZE ME PLEASE PROCEED WITH YOUR ATTACK IT'S A BUSINESS! I PUT ONE MILLION IN AND I EXPECT TWO MILLION BACK IT'S A BUSINESS! SO WHAT CRIME HAVE I COMMITTED? IF I'M PUTTING UP A FIGHT IT'S A BUSINESS! (MORE)
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CARMEN (Continued) AND I WANT THOSE PAYING SUCKERS OUT THERE GIVING ME THE BUSINESS EVERY NIGHT! Am I getting through, Elaine? BAMBI I'm sorry, mother, but as far as I'm concerned the theater is a temple. CARMEN What does that mean? It should only be filled on shabbas?! Wise up, Elaine! CARMEN (Continued) (to BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY and OSCAR, who have entered) Give me a hand, fellas -(THEY give her half-hearted applause) You know what I mean! Back me up! THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT DOESN'T NEED TO TURN A BUCK THAT'S NOT BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR THAT'S NOT BUSINESS! CARMEN SO, GIVE THEM "LYSISTRATA" AND I WISH THEM LOTS OF LUCK I DO BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR SHE DOES BUSINESS! CARMEN GORKY, SHMORKY MONEY MISSPENT YOU WON'T SURVIVE YOM KIPPUR AND YOU'LL NEVER GET THROUGH LENT I ONCE KNEW A PRODUCER WHOSE PRETENSION KNEW NO BOUNDS IN THE BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IN THE BUSINESS! CARMEN HE MOUNTED SAMUEL BECKETT I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE IT SOUNDS IT WAS BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IT WAS BUSINESS!
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CARMEN SO, NOW HE'S DOWN THE CRAPPER WHILE I'M WORKING IN MY PRIME IT'S A BUSINESS ... BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IT'S A BUSINESS ... CARMEN AND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESS 'CAUSE I REALLY KNOW MY BUSINESS AND I'M GIVING THEM THE BUSINESS, HONEY, ALL THE TIME! (indicates the CHORUS) Look at them, Elaine -- they know what side their tap shoes are buttered on! TO STAGEHANDS, TO THE DRESSERS TO MUSICIANS IN THE PIT IT'S A BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IT'S A BUSINESS! CARMEN THE OWNER OF THESE PREMISES CLEANS UP IF WE'RE A HIT HE'S IN BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR HE'S IN BUSINESS! CARMEN UNION MEMBERS DON'T WORK FOR FREE HEY, HARRY, ON THE SPOTLIGHT! BLINK TWICE IF YOU AGREE! (As the SPOTLIGHT blinks twice) SEE? I'M NOT DEVOID OF CULTURE BUT MY FEET ARE ON THE FLOOR IT'S A BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IT'S A BUSINESS! CARMEN I'D DO "THE KAMA SUTRA" WITH A BOCK & HARNICK SCORE THAT'S GOOD BUSINESS! BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR THAT'S GOOD BUSINESS!
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CARMEN YES, GREEN'S MY FAVORITE COLOR AND I DON'T MEAN ON THE GRASS IT'S A BUSINESS ... BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR IT'S A BUSINESS ... CARMEN AND THE SHOWS I DO DO BUSINESS YES, I'M GOOD AT DOING BUSINESS AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY BUSINESS, SWEETIE BLOW IT OUT YOUR -BOBBY, JOHNNY, RANDY, OSCAR BUSINESS! IT'S A BUSINESS! IT'S A BUSINESS! CARMEN And it's strictly business when I say you're not star material, Elaine -- even if as your mother it pains me to say it. You'll never be more than a chorus girl, that's my opinion and I don't care who knows it. BAMBI Seems like you want everyone to know it. CIOFFI Mrs. Bernstein, [aren't you being unduly harsh.] CARMEN She volunteered for this life, dyed her hair, changed her name ... (to BAMBI) Why of all the names on earth did you pick "Bambi"? BAMBI Because in the movie, Bambi's mother is shot to death by hunters. CARMEN Somebody just tried to do that to me, sweetheart, and I notice nobody's ruled out you yet. Come on, Oscar, I got the keys to the bar in the lobby. I'll buy you a drink. (CARMEN and OSCAR exit.) CIOFFI Well, despite what your mother says, you showed me something amazing in that Kansasland number. BAMBI Lieutenant, I'm so moved and --
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CIOFFI Oh yes, you were great -- but I was referring to something related to the murders. Except ... it doesn't make any sense. GEORGIA Bambi, I want to say ... that little bit you added in "Kansasland" is terrific. BAMBI Georgia -GEORGIA "Touched, moved, grateful," got it. Listen kiddo, I never saw you work solo before. Aaron was right about you. And I was unfair to you both. You have real talent. BAMBI Thanks. GEORGIA Don't pay any attention to what your mother says. At least no one can say you're in this show because of nepotism. JOHNNY Believe me, Lieutenant, Bambi isn't the girl in this cast who's used personal connections to help her career. CIOFFI What do you mean by that? BAMBI Sounds juicy. JOHNNY A stage manager is equal parts psychiatrist, Mother Hen and Father Confessor. I consider what anyone in the cast shares with me to be privileged information. (sly) Besides, what I know, Lieutenant ... I don't think you wanna. (JOHNNY leaves with BAMBI.) CIOFFI Talk to the three of you for a minute? GEORGIA, AARON, BOBBY Yes, of course. / Sure thing. / Of course. GEORGIA, AARON, BOBBY (Continued) Yes, of course. / Sure thing. / Of course. CIOFFI (produces a small black book) You remember Bernstein's little black book of blackmail? (MORE)
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CIOFFI (Continued) Every member of this cast has something written alongside their name in code, with three noteworthy exceptions: you, you, and you. Going by this book, Bernstein had nothing on you. Yet despite being proven Broadway veterans, the production budget says you're getting the same raw deal as the rest of the cast. Why are you toiling for pennies when each of you could be doing so much better elsewhere? BOBBY What can I tell you, Lieutenant? CIOFFI Well, you might try the truth, for gosh sakes. (beat) Nothing, huh? Listen, What I Don't Know might hurt someone, time is not ticking in our favor, and Aaron! AARON What? CIOFFI For the love of Mike, where is the rewrite you promised for "In the Same Boat?" AARON (relieved) Oh, that? Yeah, it's done. GEORGIA You did it without me? AARON Had to. You've been too busy rehearsing. Bobby and I already taught it to half the cast. CIOFFI (a bit peeved) Can I hear it? AARON Sasha! A quick chorus of "In the Same Boat." We made it more of a he-man number for the Men. GEORGIA If you just wrote it, how can you already have parts for the orchestra to play? AARON I wrote a new melody to fit the old arrangement, since we don't have time to create new parts by tonight. GEORGIA Very smart.
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BOBBY AND AARON HERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND ME LOST ON A WINDY SEA. GEORGIA Very butch. BOBBY ALL THE PLANKS ARE SPRINGING A LEAK, AARON WE'D LIKE TO BAIL GEORGIA BUT WE FORGOT THE PAIL, BOBBY AND AARON AND WE REGRET TO SAY OUR COMPASS IS GONE, BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL SAIL ON BOBBY AND GEORGIA BECAUSE TWO HEADS AARON THREE HEADS! BOBBY AND GEORGIA ARE BEST BOBBY, AARON, GEORGIA AS SOME FELLA WROTE AND WHAT THE HECK WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT! (NIKI has entered during this.) AARON Well, that's the basic idea, Lieutenant. Obviously, it needs to be put on its feet ... So ...??? (He ponders.) CIOFFI I'm sorry. (THEY GROAN.) No, believe me, I'd be the first to say if it was miles off the mark. It's a good try, and, and it does have that, that "vim" we're been looking for, but, there's still something just -- I think you and Georgia, together this time, ought to take another shot at it. GEORGIA (laughs) "TAKE ANOTHER SHOT AND I'LL SHOOT YOU ON THE SPOT," right?[]
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3/2/06 CIOFFI
Pardon? GEORGIA I was quoting one of the death threats sent to my predecessor. I'm beginning to wish someone would put me out of my misery as well. CIOFFI Now isn't that always the way. Someone plans a murder so cleverly and so often what betrays them is the silliest little slip. Georgia, I never read that particular death threat out loud. GEORGIA Say again? CIOFFI Niki and Jessica Cranshaw are the only cast members who saw it. Other than the person who sent it, of course. GEORGIA Then I guess Niki told me. CIOFFI I told her not to tell anyone. NIKI I didn't, Frank. I told you I wouldn't so I didn't. CIOFFI Miss Hendricks, in light of this, I have no choice but to take you downtown and book you on suspicion of murder. GEORGIA & BOBBY & AARON What are you saying? / You're joking. / Hold on a second ... CIOFFI Niki, would you be able to go on tonight? NIKI Oh my gosh, no ... (But she starts vocal warm-ups with high, close-lipped "Hmmm" sounds.) GEORGIA Oh. I get it! You want to give a little boost to your sweetheart's career. CIOFFI My relationship with Niki Harris is purely that of police investigator and possible suspect.
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No it's not. CIOFFI It's not? NIKI No I'm really liking you, Frank. CIOFFI Oh it's reciprocal, I assure you. NIKI I'm glad to hear that. CIOFFI I'm more than glad. (Beat.) CIOFFI (Continued) I was doing something. GEORGIA Arresting me for murder! CIOFFI Of course, yes. Jessica Cranshaw's death -(to Niki) -- please don't forget what we were saying -(to Georgia) Jessica's death gave you the chance to star on Broadway and with Sidney Bernstein planning to close the show here, his death kept that chance alive. Please come with me. AARON Wait a second, Lieutenant. I'm the one you want. CIOFFI You're confessing to the murders, Mr. Fox? AARON I said what I said. That's all I'm saying until I talk to an attorney. GEORGIA This is crazy -AARON Honey, the show can go on without me at this point, but not without you. Besides, this is a great thing that's happening in your life. I can handle spending a night or two in the tank until after you get your rave reviews. GEORGIA I thought you were dead set against me taking this part.
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AARON That was just me being selfish. I knew if you took over Jessica's role, you wouldn't have time to write with me, be with me. That's how Sidney got me to work for peanuts. It was the only way to be near you and around you again ... the two of us stuck together out of town, huddled over a piano each night ... who knows what might have happened? GEORGIA That's what Sidney had over me, too, Aaron. I wanted the same thing. AARON You did? GEORGIA I do. AARON But ... you and Bobby. GEORGIA Forget that. What about you and Bambi? AARON Oh please, there is no me and Bambi. I just genuinely thought she could make our show better. GEORGIA Our show, Aaron. You said our show. AARON Yeah, our show. Our life. God what was I thinking when I let everything fall apart. Oh yeah. I was THINKING OF ME THINKING OF ME LATELY IT'S CLEAR I'VE SPENT EVERY MOMENT OF MY WAKING DAYS THINKING OF ME SHUTTING YOU OUT ... GEORGIA SOMETIMES ... AARON MAKING YOU WAIT ... GEORGIA SOMETIMES ... AARON TOO SELF-INVOLVED TO SAY HOW I DO NEED YOU THOUGH HEAVEN KNOWS HOW DEEPLY I DO
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GEORGIA LORD ONLY KNOWS HOW DEEPLY I DO AARON THINKING OF YOU
GEORGIA THINKING OF HIM
THINKING OF ME
THINKING OF HIM HOW I REGRET THE HOURS WE'VE WASTED JUST COASTING ALONG
HOW I REGRET THE HOURS WE'VE WASTED JUST COASTING ALONG THINKING OF ME
THINKING OF HIM
AARON ONLY OF ME I WAS SO SELFISH I TURNED AWAY SOMEHOW ... AARON & GEORGIA WELL, ISN'T IT TIME? ISN'T IT HIGH TIME WE WERE THINKING OF ... US NOW? GEORGIA Wait a second, Cioffi! You know how I knew that particular death threat? You showed it to me when you were questioning me! And you were going to charge me with murder! CIOFFI Well, guess the joke's on me. NIKI Oh Frank. You made a mistake. AARON Umm, I hereby officially un-confess. JOHNNY Aaron, Chris needs to see you, on the double. AARON Lieutenant I'm excused? CIOFFI Go. AARON (to Georgia) I'll see you downstairs? Partner? GEORGIA You betcha, partner. (AARON exits.)
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GEORGIA (Continued) Thank you, Lieutenant. You played your part very effectively. CIOFFI A treat to share a scene with you. And a fair exchange as well. You got Aaron to show you his cards, and I got the answer to why you both came on board with this show. NIKI You and Georgia staged all that? CIOFFI Everything but Aaron's lines. It was actually Georgia's idea. A good one, I thought. Oh, Miss Hendricks, just a polite reminder ... you and Aaron are still suspects. GEORGIA (nods) Right. (SHE leaves.) CIOFFI And you've been playing a part as well, haven't you, Bobby? BOBBY What did Georgia tell you? (laughs) Okay. Yeah, I've been a pretend Casanova for weeks now. Georgia asked me to act like we're still involved, that our brief fling a while back was something more than that. She was always crazy about Aaron. And give me some credit: I think I've been giving the performance of a lifetime. NIKI Fooling Aaron into thinking you still love Georgia. BOBBY No. Fooling Georgia that I'm acting. CIOFFI It's some sacrifice, doing this show, with all the pain you're in. BOBBY Pain? Yeah. Lots and lots of pain, Lieutenant. But there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. CIOFFI Except commit murder? BOBBY Maybe even that, if she asked me. (HE leaves.)
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NIKI Oh Frank. Why does love make so many people feel so bad? In your professional experience, is there any weapon more deadly? CIOFFI Statistically, crimes of passion outnumber armed robbery eight-to-one. NIKI The heart is such an easy target, isn't it? You should warn the public that Cupid is armed and dangerous. CIOFFI Maybe romance should be kept strictly in the hands of the police. NIKI If that meant present company, I'd vote "yes" for that proposition. CIOFFI Oh Miss Ellis. NIKI Please call me Frank. I mean: please call me ... Frank. CIOFFI May I be bold? NIKI (admiration) Oh I already know you are. CIOFFI I've never believed that whole "Some Enchanted Evening" thing. Until now. The first time I saw you on stage ... there was a blue wash on the stage and they hit with you with a pink special ... and it was -NIKI It was just like a musical, huh, Frank? CIOFFI I thought -- Niki, I thought to myself -(HE sings) YOU AND I WE COULD BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW CAN'T YOU SEE? (MORE)
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3/2/06 CIOFFI (Continued)
SPECIAL PEOPLE DOING SPECIAL THINGS RUNNING RINGS AROUND ANY PAIR, ANYWHERE YOU AND I WE COULD STAY A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW IN EVERY WAY IF YOU HOLD MY HAND AND LET THE MUSIC START LET THE CURTAINS PART LET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW -(NIKI has turned away. Now a SPOTLIGHT hits her and SHE begins doing a simple time-step) CIOFFI (Continued) Gosh, I wish I could do that -NIKI Well, you can, silly! That's why we're in Boston! It's simple, really -- just follow me -(taking his hand) Stomp, hop, slap, step -- slap, step, stamp, stamp -CIOFFI & NIKI Stomp, hop, slap, step -- slap, step, stamp, stamp -NIKI -- It's called a time-step. Now let's break out -(Dance) How about a spotlight of your own, Frank? (Calling to the balcony:) Harry! Put him in pink! (Spot hits Cioffi) Looking good, Frank! Looking really good! NIKI & CIOFFI ... WE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW I KNOW! NIKI Sasha, can you add some more instruments, please?! CIOFFI Oh that sounds great! Would it be asking too much for a little scenery? NIKI (Calling Off:) Johnny! A little scenery, please!
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CIOFFI And how about a chorus line? I've always wanted to work in front of a chorus line -NIKI Come on in, gang! (DANCERS Enter) Let's do it, Frank -- let's strut our stuff like there's no tomorrow! ALL YOU AND I WE COULD STAY A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW IN EVERY WAY IF YOU HOLD MY HAND AND LET THE MUSIC START LET THE CURTAINS PART LET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW ... CIOFFI & NIKI WE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW I KNOW! NIKI I said, "It was just like a musical, huh, Frank?" CIOFFI What? Niki -- what were you doing just now? NIKI Oh, it's silly ... CIOFFI No, go ahead. NIKI I was imagining we were singing and dancing together -- just like Marge and Gower Champion. CIOFFI So was I! Isn't that incredible? Both of us having the exact same fantasy at the exact same time! Marge and Gower Champion! In your fantasy, which one was I? NIKI Gower. CIOFFI Me, too! And the song we were singing -NIKI Would make for a great opening number?
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CIOFFI More like a finale. You know, I should hum a few bars of it to Aaron and Georgia, it could make for a really touching ... (beat) Would you like to go out? NIKI You won't let me. CIOFFI I keep forgetting. And I'm afraid I can't make an exception, even though you're ... exceptional. NIKI Not really. CIOFFI No, from the moment I first shook your hand, I thought -(troubled) Shook your hand. NIKI What is it, Frank? CIOFFI Niki, I think it's time you told me what Sid Bernstein had on you. NIKI Nothing. Really. Unlike the rest of the cast, I want to be in this show. I've gotten some wonderful reviews playing bigger roles in local productions, but this show is the best chance I've ever had at Broadway. CIOFFI Johnny hinted that a woman in the cast used some secret personal connection to advance her career, and that I wouldn't like knowing who she was. Did he mean you? NIKI Every show is filled with gossip. CIOFFI Oh Niki. You didn't say "no." Who is it? It couldn't have been Sid Bernstein, could it? Aaron? Bobby? Johnny? NIKI I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't talk about it. I don't break promises. CIOFFI You know, in Bernstein's notebook -- the one with coded memos to himself about each person's secret -- alongside your name, he wrote a great big zero.
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NIKI I'm glad. CIOFFI Or maybe it was the letter O. JOHNNY (on mike) Oscar, the sandwich you ordered is here. Folks, five minutes and we're back on stage. (Stage Manager JOHNNY has made this announcement on a standing mike which he now carries onto the stage.) JOHNNY (Continued) (hand over mike) For crying out loud, Niki, you have to change, hurry up! NIKI Sorry! (NIKI runs off.) CIOFFI (amplified) Johnny, if Niki shared some secret with you, I have to know what it is! JOHNNY Don't talk near the microphone, Lieutenant. When it's switched on, everybody downstairs can hear you. (CIOFFI turns off the mike.) CIOFFI You tell me now. JOHNNY In what capacity are you asking me that question? Officer of the law or jealous boyfriend? Can what I say be held against me -- or will you just hold it against me if I don't say what you want to hear? CIOFFI I hadn't finished with Niki. (CIOFFI leaves.)
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(JOHNNY is alone on the now dark stage. He walks over to the sandbag referenced by CIOFFI earlier in the Act, bends over to pick it up, but stops as he hears SOUNDS wafting up from the orchestra pit: a music stand falling over, then a commotion with the timpani, cymbals, chimes, snare drum banging.) JOHNNY Whatever you're playing, it's not from the score of this show. (The SOUNDS STOP suddenly. From the pit we hear:) VOICE (O.S.) Come here, my precious ... come here ... JOHNNY Who's that? VOICE (O.S.) Don't be afraid ... I won't hurt you ... FJOHNNY Look, this is no time to joke, we've had two people die -(SUDDENLY, IN THE PIT WE SEE:) BELLING Sorry, dear fellow, didn't mean to put a fright into you. Trying to catch poor Ophelia here. (He has a large tabby cat in his arms) She's been with this theatre for eons apparently. Chased a mouse into the orchestra pit and got stuck amid the percussion instruments. Give us a hand. (JOHNNY HELPS HIM OUT OF THE PIT.) I'll just put her in her basket by the stage door. (BELLING EXITS.) JOHNNY Who's on Fly Three? That you, Nick? Drop in the chandelier from the saloon, will you? We got a burned-out bulb. (up to "Nick") Thanks, Nick. You can take five. (He moves a switch on the unit and the SCONCE LIGHTS GO OUT. He starts to unscrew a bulb when he hears again, coming from the pit: a light tapping on the timpani, eerie cymbals, rustling chimes.) JOHNNY (Continued) Got away from our genius director, did you, Ophelia?
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(HE walks to the edge of the stage and looks down into the orchestra pit again. IN BELLING's HIGH VOICE:) JOHNNY (Continued) Come here, pussy kitten. Don't be afraid. (crouching down) Here, kitty. Here-kitty-kitty. (sees someone) Well, what the Hell are you doing down there? Hey, if you're worried I'm going to tell anybody what I know about you and -(A LOUD SHOT explodes from within the orchestra pit. JOHNNY is instantly spun around and tries to move upstage. A SECOND SHOT clearly hits Johnny in the back. He grabs at the hanging sconce, inadvertently switching it on, and falls to the floor, which sets the sconce spinning and swinging, casting wild, moving shadows across the stage. He drags himself to get a sandbag, and grabbing it, pushes the sandbag into the orchestra pit. He points his right finger downwards as he takes last breath. (AS THE SCENE CHANGES to the catwalk area above the stage, we hear from below ...) COMPANY THE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH, THE GOINGS TERRIBLY TOUGH AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH WE'VE LOST AN OAR ... (MUSIC CONTINUES.)
LIGHTS DIM
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ACT 2 SCENE 3 SCENE: IN THE FLY SPACE ABOVE THE COLONIAL STAGE, TIME: A short while later, (We see the very top of a circular painted drop and the ropes that suspend it. A fly bridge spans the width of the stage. CIOFFI, NIKI and BELLING emerge onto a metal landing a few steps beneath the CATWALK) COMPANY (Continued) ... THEY FIND IT ALL THEY CAN DO TO CALM THE CRAFT. FURTHER MORE LITTLE CHUM, WE'RE SO DUMB THAT WE DON'T KNOW OUR FORE FROM OUR AFT. BELLING Let me catch my breath for a moment, please. CIOFFI Sure, Chris. BELLING May I ask why my participation in this climb is necessary? CIOFFI Because you know the most about the technical cues in the show. You put them in, Johnny called them. NIKI And why do you need me? CIOFFI Oh, Niki, where would I even begin ...? NIKI That's very nice. CIOFFI And I also don't want to leave you unguarded until I know what Johnny's dying message was. BELLING Dying message? CIOFFI His bloodstains on the stage tell us he dragged himself to get a sandbag, crawled back to the edge of the stage, and dropped it in the orchestra pit. He died pointing at it. Why?
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NIKI To throw the sandbag at his killer? CIOFFI I doubt he had enough strength to lift and throw it. And I'm sure his killer left the pit the instant they'd shot Johnny, in order to blend back in with the rest of us downstairs. No, I'm certain Johnny was trying to leave us a clue. BELLING Then shouldn't we be in the pit, rather than up here? CIOFFI I looked down there and came up empty. But we know our killer untied a sandbag from the end of one of these ropes so it could serve as a noose for Sid Bernstein's neck. Maybe Johnny wanted us to look up here. BELLING But there's very little to look at. We only have one drop -CIOFFI Drop! Johnny dropped the sandbag into the pit. When something is flown down from here onto the stage, how would Johnny have given that cue? BELLING "Drop in." It's standard terminology. CIOFFI That's right. MOUNTAINS DROP IN. SKYLINE DROPS IN. BELLING MARY MARTIN DROPS IN ... But I'm not sure we have any such cue in this show. NIKI Oh, there's one at the end of "In the Same Boat." BELLING There will never be an end to "In the Same Boat"!!! COMPANY IN THE SAME BOAT, ON THE SAME SEA, SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIP, NARY A SAIL, NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON
BELLING (OVER THIS) Listen. They're rehearsing the latest version now! Same bloody orchestra part, third new melody, collect the entire series!
CIOFFI My God. My God, that's it! Of course. I've solved it. Come on, we have to get down there, fast.
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BELLING Not too fast, I can't see a bloody thing in this light ... CIOFFI I'll be right with you, I just want to check what's written on the side of the drop ... (He leans over the edge of the catwalk to read the back of the drop ...) "Planet Earth."
CIOFFI (Continued) Now what in the name of heaven --
(CIOFFI turns to see a man-sized sand bag swinging on a rope right at him. It knocks him off the edge of the catwalk and he falls into the darkness below.) TRANSITION TO:
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SCENE: Back on THE COLONIAL STAGE TIME: Continuous THE FULL COMPANY (minus Niki and Belling) finishing the last few lines of the latest version of "In the Same Boat." They are all in costume, have music in their hands, and are watched by AARON, CARMEN and OSCAR. COMPANY THE WAVES ARE LAPPIN' A LOT THE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' A LOT THE THUNDER'S CLAPPIN' A LOT JUST HEAR IT ROAR BUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD WE'LL STAY AFLOAT GOT THE PATIENCE OF JOB AS WE CIR-CLE THE GLOBE ... (A giant PLANET EARTH drops in with CIOFFI straddling the North Pole) COMPANY (Continued) ... 'CAUSE WE'RE IN THE SAME --! CIOFFI Excuse me, but I could use a little help ... (NIKI and BELLING rush on.) NIKI Frank! (THE CAST helps CIOFFI down.) NIKI (Continued) What happened? CIOFFI (indicating the fly area) Somebody up there doesn't like me. Did either one of you see anything up there? BELLING I was groping my way in the dark. NIKI Maybe we accidentally unhitched a rope. CIOFFI This was no accident. But that can wait because I think I've solved it!
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(THE CAST is excited) CIOFFI (Continued) I can't believe it took me so long to figure out. Sasha, hand me that score, quick! (SASHA gives him the music. CIOFFI briskly turns one page, then another.) CIOFFI (Continued) Damn! NIKI What's the matter, Frank? CIOFFI I just remembered I can't read music. Never mind, never mind, basic logic tells me -- Aaron, you wrote all three melody lines to the same orchestra part, right? AARON Had to. No time to write a new arrangement. CIOFFI Then if all three songs fit the same arrangement, they must all fit with each other. That's what will give this number the kick in the derriere it's been needing ... the whole company singing three different songs at the same time ... it'll make "Fugue for Tinhorns" sound like "Frere Jacques"! BELLING But what about the murders? CIOFFI Oh will you forget about the murders for a second! NIKI But you said you got it, that you'd solved it! CIOFFI Solved how to salvage this number. You'll do the same blocking as before, but you'll sing all the different versions you learned. BAMBI But that's crazy. CIOFFI You know, it's just so crazy it might not work. But we have nothing to lose. I want to run this now. Bring in the set, Johnny! BAMBI He's dead!
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CIOFFI Oh right I forgot. Chris, you call the cues. Bobby, you and your shipmates will sing what you always do -BOBBY Aye, aye, captain. CIOFFI That's Lieutenant. Niki, Bambi, Roberta, you'll sing the version Aaron came up with this morning. The rest of you will follow Georgia's lead. Sasha! SASHA Ready! CIOFFI Roll em'! BELLING Action! CIOFFI (over intro) Okay, it's just Bobby at the top. BOBBY IN THE SAME BOAT, ON THE SAME SEA, SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN'! NARY A SHIP, NARY A RAIL. NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON. CIOFFI (on "HORIZON") The three pals! BOBBY, RANDY,AND HARV HERE WE ARE, MY SHIPMATES AND ME LOST IN A WINDY SEA. ALL THE PLANKS ARE SPRINGING A LEAK, WE'D LIKE TO BAIL BUT WE FORGOT THE PAIL, AND WE REGRET TO SAY OUR COMPASS IS GONE, BUT SOMEHOW WE STILL SAIL ON BECAUSE TWO HEADS (Harv: Three heads!) ARE BEST AS SOME FELLA WROTE AND WHAT THE HECK WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT. CIOFFI Ladies!
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NIKI, BAMBI, AND ROBERTA IN THE SAME BOAT ON THE SAME SEA SHAKIN' INSIDE AS THE TIDE KEEPS RISIN' NARY A SHIP NARY A PLANE NARY A SOUL ON THE WHOLE HORIZON OH, HOW WE LONG TO STAND STILL STOMACHS ARE IN DISTRESS WE NEED A HELPING HAND, STILL NO ONE IS NEAR WHO CAN HEAR WHEN WE S.O.S. TATTERED AND TORN WEARY AND WORN FEELIN' FORLORN THAT WE LOOK UNTIDY CHEWIN' OUR NAILS PRAYIN' THAT WHALES AREN'T ALLOWED TO EAT MEAT ON "FRI-DY" STILL, WE ARE NOT DISCOURAGED DUE TO THE ANCIENT QUOTE YOU ARE LIKELY TO WIN TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT CIOFFI Okay, Georgia and Bobby! GEORGIA AND BOBBY THE SEA'S UNUSUALLY ROUGH, THE GOING TERRIBLY TOUGH AND IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH WE'VE LOST AN OAR, WE FIND IT ALL WE CAN DO TO CALM THE CRAFT. FURTHER MORE LITTLE CHUM, THEY'RE SO DUMB THAT THEY DON'T KNOW OUR FORE FROM OUR AFT. CIOFFI The gang on the river boat joins in! GEORGIA, BOBBY, AND OTHERS(TBD) THE WAVES ARE LAPPIN' A LOT, THE SHARKS ARE SNAPPIN' A LOT, THE THUNDER'S CLAPPIN' A LOT, JUST HEAR IT ROAR! BUT THERE'S NO DOUBT IN THE WORLD WE'LL STAY AFLOAT 'CAUSE IT'S EASY TO WIN TAKE IT ALL ON THE CHIN WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME BOAT. CIOFFI Now put it all together!
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All three sections are sung straight through simultaneously, concluding with a unified tag of: COMPANY AND WE'RE TOGETHER IN THE SAME BOAT! (Again a giant cutout of THE PLANET EARTH flies in at the rear of the stage. THE NUMBER ENDS and the COMPANY applauds themselves.) BELLING Congratulations, Lieutenant, you've greatly improved the number as well as the likelihood of my taking credit for it. CARMEN But have you improved your chance of catching the person who killed my husband and Jessica Cranshaw? CIOFFI I'm sure this image of the Planet Earth was the clue that Johnny was trying to point us to. CARMEN What in the world does it mean? CIOFFI A "world" ... on a stage ...? BELLING All the world's a stage? CIOFFI Yes, yes. But it's impossible. NIKI Frank, I'm sure you're not the only one who's bewildered -CIOFFI What did you say? NIKI You're not the only one ... CIOFFI Oh Niki. You just told me everything. (whirls on BELLING) CHRIS!! BELLLING I did it!! (beat) No, sorry, reflex, I always take credit for everything. What do you want, Lieutenant?
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CIOFFI I have to see the last moments of the show, the part when Jessica Cranshaw collapsed. After the curtain. BELLING The Company Bows? My God, that's the last thing we should be rehearsing! CIOFFI You think I don't know that? But the sooner I get this mystery out of the way, the sooner we can all get back to what we came here for: making Robbin' Hood a hit. I have to see those bows. Chris, you call the cues ... and I'll need Johnny's microphone. BELLING Very well. Places, people! (As the COMPANY scurries, BELLING will bring out the PA mike that JOHNNY once used. CIOFFI takes NIKI aside and downstage.) CIOFFI Listen, Niki, I've got to solve this case right now. NIKI Because you can only keep us here so long before someone files for a writ of habeas corpus? CIOFFI No, because we need the rehearsal her blocking on two numbers, your and I've still got a lot of notes wrap this up fast but it would be
time. Georgia hasn't run ballad hasn't been put in, for Bobby. I know a way to putting you at some risk.
NIKI My heart's been at risk since we met, Frank. You do what you have to do. (HE turns on the microphone) CIOFFI (OVER P.A.) (to CAST, into PA mike) Folks, folks, I have a little announcement to make. Niki and I just got engaged ... (ENTHUSED AMAZEMENT.) Yes, she'll be leaving the show at the end of the Boston run to create the role of Mrs. Lieutenant Frank Cioffi. Now can we run the bows please? Sasha!
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COMPANY WIDE OPEN SPACES! EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES! WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME. CIOFFI It's so weird to see people taking bows without any applause. OSCAR No, it was pretty much like this on opening night. COMPANY IT'S KANSAS FOREVER AND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES AND KNOW THAT KANSAS IS HOME! (NIKI takes her bow, then BOBBY in his green hood, then GEORGIA.) CIOFFI (OVER P.A.) And here comes our leading lady. I have to watch this carefully. Sasha, bring down the tempo to half. Folks, save your voices for tonight, just speak the lyrics. COMPANY (lower, slower chant) WIDE OPEN SPACES! EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES! WHERE THE FUTURE WAITS FOR YOU AND ME.
CIOFFI (over this) Carmen, Oscar, keep your eyes on Georgia. What's she doing different from Jessica that night? Anything? OSCAR Nothing that I can see, but what do I know? A bow is a bow is a bow. CARMEN Seems the same to me.
GEORGIA IT'S KANSAS FOREVER AND WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, (I KNOW THOSE WIDE OPEN SPACES AND KNOW KANSAS IS HOME!)
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(As on opening night, HARV again comes down the left aisle carrying a bouquet and has arrived at a position near the rail of the orchestra pit. CIOFFI doesn't see him. There is a LOUD CRASHING CHORD as GEORGIA sings a last vocal line. HARV throws the bouquet, which lands at GEORGIA's feet.) COMPANY K - A - N - S - A - S - U - S CIOFFI (OVER P.A.) Hold on! Stop the music! (Music Stops. THE THREE climb back onto the stage.) Where'd this bouquet come from? HARV I threw it. From down here by the orchestra. CIOFFI And where'd you come from? HARV I take my bow with the other dancers, cheat an exit, quick change into this zip-up tuxedo, and race to the lobby where I get that bouquet of plastic flowers to throw onto the stage. CARMEN Jessica demanded the bouquet at every performance. It was in her contract. She also wanted us to play the Star-Spangled Banner on her bow to guarantee a standing ovation. CIOFFI (to Company) Did restaging this just now make anyone remember anything that was different on opening night? GEORGIA You know, actually ... being in Jessica's shoes just now, I remember that on opening night, after she sang "It's Kansas Forever" she moved her hands to her mouth ... like she was going to blow a kiss to the balcony, but changed her mind. (She demonstrates.) Sort of like that. CIOFFI Sasha, let me hear that moment, and Georgia, sing along. SASHA Da. Bar 37 two, three GEORGIA IT'S KANSAS FOREVER ...! (A big last note as the orchestra plays a big, "cymbal-crashy" chord.)
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CIOFFI Yes, the timing would exactly match the forensics, but the idea is ridiculous -- Chris, at any point in the Bows did anyone in the cast face Jessica? BELLING No, they all face the audience throughout. CIOFFI Well that's incredibly important. It rules out virtually everyone on this stage, because if, just like now, someone were to try to, say, shoot the capsules into Jessica's mouth, the only people who could have aimed at her were in the audience on opening night, facing the stage: meaning you Georgia, and Aaron, Oscar and Carmen. AARON The four of us were standing together all the way at the back of the theatre, Lieutenant. What would we have used as a weapon? A marksman's rifle on a tripod? CIOFFI Where were you again that night, Mr. Belling? BELLING Taking a walk alone as you well know, dammit. But surely Sasha is the one perfectly positioned, dead center, his hands pointed directly at our leading lady. SASHA Thank you, Josef Stalin. NIKI Frank? I don't know if this matters, but on opening night, there was a second bouquet, over on this side of the stage. RANDY Yeah, it landed near me. It was thrown by a second guy on this side of the orchestra pit. He was dressed in a tuxedo, just like everybody else, Aaron, Oscar -OSCAR So? It was an opening night, after all. Everyone wore a tux. CIOFFI (nods) That's right, Oscar. That's very right. (BOBBY staggers onto the stage, halfdazed, his head bleeding.) BOBBY Cioffi! Niki ...
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(NIKI looks between BOBBY and the HOODED FIGURE on stage.) NIKI But if that's Bobby ... who's that wearing the hood? (THE COMPANY stares warily at the hooded figure next to NIKI.) CIOFFI Your devoted admirer, Niki. The one man in the opening night audience who could leave the theatre before the Bows had begun without causing a single eyebrow to be raised ... who then re-entered the theatre, walking down the aisle to the very edge of the stage, carrying a bouquet he'd hidden in the lobby, behind which he held some firing device, probably nothing fancier than a simple pellet gun. He's the person who most wanted to bring down the curtain on this show, because he knew that if you went to Broadway, you'd leave him and his sphere of influence ... a sphere represented by the large circle next to your name in Bernstein's black book ... a sphere that Dropped In on this stage, and that Johnny wanted us to notice ... a planet called "Earth" ... or, as Shakespeare put it, "the great Globe itself" ... as in the Boston Globe, and its senior critic, Daryl Grady! (GRADY rips off the hood and holds a knife to NIKI's face.) GRADY Don't move or she'll never look the same. CIOFFI You don't want to do that, Grady. GRADY What difference does it make? She's going to marry you. I heard you say so over the house P.A. She loves you. (beat) She never loved me. NIKI Frank, I had no idea -CIOFFI I believe you, Niki. But you did know him, didn't you? He shuns publicity, his picture has never been published, yet you walked right up to him, tried to shake his hand and thank him for the compliments he paid you in his review. NIKI I was grateful for his support, his guidance. He, he told me if we kept our friendship secret, he could praise me more in his reviews. He was always very polite, very considerate --
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CIOFFI -- took you to dinner, where you'd listen attentively to his advice -NIKI Like a student with a teacher, nothing more than that. GRADY It was more than that to me, Niki. I needed you to stay here in Boston, where I can praise you, and guide you as my devoted partner in this world of theater. I tried to scare Jessica out of the show with the death threats but it was no use. Bernstein had told me he was taking Robbin' Hood to Broadway no matter what my review said -CIOFFI So you murdered its star. And when that wasn't a show stopper, you tried to shoot Carmen -GRADY I should have made that shot. CIOFFI I guess you lost your gun -- maybe in the orchestra pit after you shot Johnny -- because you wouldn't be holding a knife on Niki if you had it. How far beyond this theatre do you think you can get this way? If you had a gun, it might be different -GRADY Thanks for raising that point. Set your own gun down for me. CIOFFI Hold on -GRADY Now. CIOFFI Fine, you win. Just don't hurt her. (CIOFFI opens his jacket, revealing a gun in a shoulder holster, places it carefully on the stage, and steps away. GRADY takes a few steps to pick it up, putting the knife away. CIOFFI moves toward him.) CIOFFI (Continued) All right, Daryl. I'm going to take Niki away from you now. GRADY You already have. NIKI Frank, don't ...
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GRADY Another step and you're dead. (CIOFFI takes another step.) GRADY (Continued) Fine. You're dead. (GRADY fires the gun but it just goes "CLICK.") CIOFFI Walking into situations like this, I always unload the gun in my shoulder holster, and keep my real gun here at my belt. All right, Daryl, it's over, you're under arrest. Come here, Niki. (NIKI rushes into CIOFFI's arms.) NIKI I didn't know, Frank. I didn't know. GRADY Oh, God, God, could my life get any worse!? (A TRAP DOOR opens beneath his feet and he falls through it with a SCREAM.) (CARMEN enters.) CARMEN How's that? When I saw the gun was sitting on the trap door, I heard opportunity playing Knock-Knock. (yells down into the trap:) Close down my show, you sonofabitch? Break a leg! (second look) Oh he did! (THE COMPANY expresses their relief.) CIOFFI Okay, stay calm, everybody, I have men posted everywhere. You got him, O'Farrell? O'FARRELL (O.S.) (from below the trap) Yeah we got him, Lieutenant, he's fine! CIOFFI Well, folks, since you're all witnesses to Mr. Grady's confession, I'll need all of you to head down to the Green Room and give a brief statement. And then ... we have a show to solve. Sasha, play them off, will you? (SASHA conducts PLAYOFF MUSIC.)
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(THE COMPANY begins to leave the stage, several MEN assisting BOBBY.) BELLING Any additional notes, Lieutenant? CIOFFI Actually, Chris, I do have One Big Suggestion I'd like to make about the show's closing number. I think we should consider a different tune. BELLING I'd be foolish not to give it every consideration, Lieutenant. And oh, by the way: Bravo the great detective. CIOFFI Bravo the great director. OSCAR Hey, if this show is a hit, Cioffi, I have you to thank and don't think I'm not grateful. CIOFFI It's backers like you who deserve the pat on the back. I guess you don't need investigations, but if gabardine, you drop by anything in the store.
OSCAR me to invest in one of your you ever need a vested suit in a nice my showroom. For you, Lieutenant, Ten per cent off.
(BELLING exits.) AARON Thanks for helping us solve the mystery, Lieutenant. GEORGIA He doesn't mean the mystery about who done it. He means the one about us. (AARON, GEORGIA EXIT hand in hand.) NIKI Frank, I didn't have a clue about Daryl Grady. CIOFFI I had more than one, and it still took me a while to figure him out. NIKI Now that the mystery is solved, does this mean our engagement is off? CIOFFI Maybe we could discuss it tomorrow over lunch. There's this coffee shop I know. I've become ... very close friends with the management over the last few years.
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NIKI Frank, you've got ... a date. (She exits. MUSIC ENDS.) SASHA We are excused, Inspector General? CIOFFI Fine,* Sasha. Do svidaniya. (*Italian) (SASHA descends into the pit. [] departing line for BAMBI in which CIOFFI asks her to see DETECTIVE O'FARRELL?[] CARMEN and CIOFFI are alone.) CARMEN Nice job, Lieutenant. CIOFFI Not always. CARMEN I meant, nice job solving the mystery. (gathering self to leave) Funny. Sidney used to say as long as the public bought tickets, he didn't care if he got killed by the critics. In this case he probably felt otherwise. CIOFFI Daryl Grady didn't kill your husband. Grady wanted the show closed, and your husband was going to do just that. Mrs. Bernstein, I need you to stay very calm. Your husband was murdered ... by your daughter. CARMEN No. No, that's crazy -- she could never do that! CIOFFI You're only saying that because you love her. CARMEN Love her? Have you heard how I talk to her? As mothers go, I clock in somewhere between Medea and Momma Rose. CIOFFI Yes, you're a stage mother all right. Maybe the stage mother of all time. When she got her solo moment in the Kansasland number, I looked at you, and you couldn't disguise the pride in your face. Because she was good -- really good. And that confused me. CARMEN Why?
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CIOFFI You know talent, Carmen. Why have you constantly been demeaning her in front of everyone? And then I realized. It's all been an act. You married Sid Bernstein and put up with his indiscretions to get your daughter's foot in the stage door. But you knew that no one would take her seriously if they thought she was simply the producer's baby girl. So in front of everyone, you've belittled her talent, so they think that wherever she's gotten, it's despite you, not because of you. Even if that means your daughter hates you for it. You did it all for Bambi. CARMEN No! I did it for Elaine. [You can't tell her.] CIOFFI Now she was going to have a spotlight number in a show headed for Broadway. [mention of Niki playing Madam Marian] It was everything you'd worked and sacrificed for, everything she'd hoped for. CARMEN Everything. CIOFFI And then your husband said he was going to close the show before she'd have her chance ... and so she killed him. CARMEN No! CIOFFI I'm charging her with murder. Detective O'Farrell is handcuffing her this very moment. CARMEN The publicity will destroy her career! CIOFFI That's not my concern. She killed her stepfather in cold blood when he told her he was closing the show to cut his losses. CARMEN No, he said he was closing the show because, if he did, Grady was going to guarantee him a rave review for every other show he brought to Boston. CIOFFI He told your daughter he'd never hire her again or produce another show with you -CARMEN He told me she'd never make it, that she had no talent --
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CIOFFI And without thinking she grabbed a sandbag -CARMEN A sandbag. CIOFFI And she hit him with it. CARMEN Picked up the sandbag and hit him with it -CIOFFI And she killed him. CARMEN And I killed my husband. CIOFFI Of course you did. When I found the little black book in your husband's jacket, I realized that if he'd been murdered by one of his blackmail victims, they would have taken the book with them. That made you my prime suspect ... but you'd been at the back of the theatre when Jessica was murdered, and someone had tried to murder you. And then Niki said these words to me: "You're not the only one" ... and it made me think: two Killers -- Grady of the Globe, trying to stop this show dead in its tracks, and you, trying to keep the show alive for the sake of your daughter. You faked those second set of death threats -CARMEN I wanted to remind you the person who murdered Jessica wanted the show to close. Since I was fighting to keep the show open, how could I be the killer? So what do we do now, Lieutenant? CIOFFI On impulse, you lashed out at your monumentally unfaithful and blackmailing husband. A decent lawyer might get you a couple of years on a reduced charge. A great lawyer might get you an all-expense-paid weekend in sunny San Diego. But ... you're going to have to stand trial, Carmen. CARMEN I know that. CIOFFI Why don't we ... build up your daughter's part some more, add another song or two for Niki, and, and maybe I don't solve your part of this mystery until after the show opens on Broadway.
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CARMEN You would do that? Oh Frank, you give me that and I'll let you walk me out of the cast party at Sardi's straight into police headquarters. CIOFFI I'll have you watched night and day until then. CARMEN I understand. But ... if Niki goes to New York, doesn't that work against your own best interest? CIOFFI There's always a spot in the NYPD for a Boston Police Lieutenant who doesn't mind a cut in rank and pay. CARMEN Jesus, Cioffi. You know what? I think you're one of us. CIOFFI That's the nicest review I'll surely ever get. CARMEN THERE'S A SPECIAL KIND OF PEOPLE KNOWN AS SHOW PEOPLE. CIOFFI WE LIVE IN A WORLD FULL OF DREAMS. SOMETIMES WE'RE NOT TOO CERTAIN WHAT'S FALSE AND WHAT'S REAL CIOFFI & CARMEN BUT WE'RE SELDOM IN DOUBT ABOUT WHAT WE FEEL ... (BELLING enters.) BELLING Lieutenant, you're experienced with assault and battery, come take a look at Bobby, will you? He's a bit wobbly on his feet from getting hit on the head by Grady, and we have no understudy for him, not here in Boston. CIOFFI Okay, but don't worry. Bobby's a pro. The cry of "Places everyone!" will be like smelling salts to him ... (LIGHTS BEGIN TO DIM but his VOICE continues:) CIOFFI (Continued) ... the sound of the orchestra playing its overture will be pure adrenaline, his aches and pains will be bathed in the warmth of the spotlight, his spirits will be lifted by the hands of an adoring throng whose applause will sustain him through the very last scene of Robbin' Hood...
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3/2/06 ACT 2 SCENE 5
SCENE: THE COLONIAL STAGE TIME: 10:20 PM THAT SAME NIGHT (MUSIC BUILDS, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY AS: A GUNSHOT RINGS OUT.) (COLONIAL STAGE that night. LIGHTS UP on the first scene we saw, the last scene of Robbin' Hood: outside a prairie schoolhouse.) GEORGIA (as Madam Marian) Why he shot that other bullet in half! NIKI He saved the schoolhouse. And here he comes now! It's him. It's Rob Hood! COMPANY That's Rob Hood! / It's that man they call The Hood. / He must have broke out of jail! / Consternation! (Enter ROB HOOD in green cowboy outfit and green hood.) GEORGIA (as Madam Marian) I wonder what face belongs to those lips I longed to kiss? (He removes his hood.) ROB HOOD This face! ("ROB HOOD" has unmasked. It's CIOFFI. THE CROWD GASPS.) NIKI (as Schoolmarm) Why it's that friendly lawman from the east I was so crazy about! I thought you were all done with us! CIOFFI (as Rob Hood) Not when this place is where I want to be, where I belong, keepin' company with the people I care most about. Will you be my lawful wedded wife, Miss Niki/Nancy? NIKI(as Schoolmarm) Oh Hood, yes! (CHEERS from the CROWD.)
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GEORGIA(as Madam Marian) Well that's it! I'm sellin' the saloon hall and taking the next stage back to Boston! CIOFFI(as Rob Hood) You're leavin' the stage so you can be takin' the stage? Why's that? GEORGIA(as Madam Marian) 'Cause you two are actin' like you're in love ... and on stage or off, that's the one act I don't know how to follow! CIOFFI & NIKI YOU AND I, WE COULD STAY A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW ALL IN EVERY WAY! IF YOU HOLD MY HAND AND LET THE MUSIC START LET THE CURTAINS PART, LET THE SPOTLIGHT GLOW -CIOFFI & NIKI WE'D BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW ALL A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW, A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW, I KNOW! (NIKI kisses CIOFFI.) (CURTAINS) END OF ACT 2
