Ching Chong Chinaman

CHING CHONG CHINAMAN A full-length play

by Lauren Yee

Contact agent: Antje Oegel AO I nternational 5240 N. Sheridan Road, #814 Chicago, IL 60640 (773) 754-7628 [email protected]

Contact playwright: Lauren Yee [email protected]

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SYNOPSIS The ultra-assimilated Wong family is as Chinese-American as apple pie: teenager Upton dreams of World of Warcraft superstardom; his sister Desdemona dreams of early admission to Princeton. Unfortunately, Upton’s chores and homework get in th e way of his 24/7 videogaming, and Desi’s math grades don’t fit t he Asian-American stereotype. Then Upton comes up with a novel solution for both problems: he acquires a Chinese indentured servant, who harbors an American dream of his own.

CAST OF CHARACTERS (3W, 3M) ED, 40s, Chinese-American, a businessman. He has a nervous laugh. GRACE, 40s, Chinese-American, Ed’s wife, a homemaker DESDEMONA, 17, Chinese-American, daughter of Ed and Grace, a vegan UPTON, 15, Chinese-American, son of Ed and Grace, a gamer THE CHINESE MAN, 20s, Chinese, alias J, JINQIANG, or “CHING CHONG” THE CHINESE WOMAN, all ages, Chinese. She plays a variety of roles, including MRS. J, KIM LEE PARK, the REPORTER, and the ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL. * Note: at no time do the CHINESE WOMAN or the CHINESE MAN speak with Asian accents. Or any of t he characters, for that matter.

TIME AND PLACE The present. Palo Alto, California.

ABOUT THE PLAY CHING CHONG CHINAMAN was a finalist f or the 2008 Princess Grace Award and 2009 Jane Chambers Playwriting Award, and winner of the 2007 Yale Playwrights Festival, Kumu Kahua Theatre’s 2007 Pacific Rim Prize, and the 2010 KCACTF Paula Vogel Award in Playwriting. It received its professional world premiere at Minneapolis’s Mu Performing Arts in 2009. Other productions include the 2007 New York International Fringe Festival, Berkeley’s Impact Theatre in 2008, and New York’s Pan Asian Rep and Seattle’s SIS Productions in 2010.

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CHING CHONG CHINAMAN By Lauren Yee

Scene 1 Family portrait Any point in time (The Wongs, a Chinese-American family composed of ED, GRACE, DESDEMONA, and UPTON, sit for the annual family portrait. In the middle is a CHINESE MAN, 20s, doing math homework. The CHINESE MAN would blend right in, if he weren’t wearing traditional Chinese clothing and a coolie hat) ED You know what I love about America? DESDEMONA Free speech? UPTON Free trade? GRACE Apple pie? ED Manifest destiny. GRACE Many—what, darling? (The family freezes in position. Camera flash) ED The idea that we can conquer uncharted plains and retire to our homes and let other people with nothing better to do complete our dirty work. DESDEMONA Dad, that is SO not manifest destiny. ED It’s just what Lincoln said about America, Desi. DESDEMONA Lincoln was an anti-Semite. GRACE “Semite” means “Jewish,” M ona. ED Some of my best friends are Jewish.

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GRACE Didn’t he free the slaves? ED Moses freed the slaves, Grace. Moses. UPTON Why do we need to do this now? Christmas isn’t for another three months. DESDEMONA I think Christmas is kind of racist. ED The KKK is racist. GRACE I don’t like the KKK. I don’t know what it is a bout them. DESDEMONA Upton’s making a f ace! ED One more shot for the Christmas card! Everyone open their eyes nice and wide now. (EVERYONE stares wide-eyed at the camera. Briefly, they look pleasant. Flash) GRACE I love Christmas. It’s so American. Scene 2 Kitchen Late afternoon (The CHINESE MAN sits in the center of the room, working on homework. GRACE enters and flips o n the light. Distracted, she pats the CHINESE MAN o n the head as she checks the answering machine) GRACE Hello, Upton. Don’t work in the dark like that. (No messages. ED enters with his b riefcase) ED Upton. Grace. GRACE How was work today?

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ED Same as usual. GRACE Mail came. (GRACE hands ED an envelope, which has already been opened. ED reads the contents) ED Thanks, boss. GRACE I think you should enter. ED (doubtful) Lots of guys in the company play golf. GRACE But nobody’s as good as you. And I’m sure you could find a partner. ED Anything else? GRACE The doctor said she’d call soon. ED Great. GRACE Ed, do you think— ED Our lawn looked nice today. (DESDEMONA enters) GRACE Hello, Mona. DESDEMONA (indicates the CHINESE MAN) Who’s that? ED Who? DESDEMONA The Asian guy. GRACE

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Don’t talk about your brother like th at. DESDEMONA That’s not Upton. GRACE Mona, of course that’s— (GRACE and ED stop to actually look at the CHINESE MAN) ED Huh. DESDEMONA Hey, none of my friends are Asian. GRACE And I don’t have a ny friends. ED Hello? Hello there? (to DESDEMONA and GRACE) Did it look like he comprehended anything I just said? (UPTON enters) ED Upton. (indicates the CHINESE MAN) This yours? UPTON What about him? GRACE (whispers) I don’t think he speaks En glish, darling. UPTON Of course he doesn’t speak English. GRACE Then why do you know him? UPTON He’s a refugee. He’s staying in the laundry room. GRACE On top of the washing machine? UPTON Not when you’re doing the laundry. GRACE Isn’t there someone else he can stay with? Like someone who a lso doesn’t speak English?

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UPTON He’s fleeing persecution. DESDEMONA From who? UPTON From the Chinese government… and stuff. ED Ah HA! Knew he was a Chinaman. DESDEMONA I SO did not hear you say that. ED I can use it. It’s like the n-word. (to the CHINESE MAN) Hello, Chinaman. UPTON His name is Jinqiang. ED Come again? UPTON (deliberately) JIN-qiang. ED “Ching Chong?” DESDEMONA Omigod. GRACE Darling, that name sounds a little ra cist. UPTON “Jinqiang”: spelled J-I-N-Q-I—A-N-G. GRACE And that’s not how you spell Ching Chong, dear. DESDEMONA Mom: you can’t say “Ching Chong.” That’s like the most offensive thing in the world. ED But if I called my fellow Asian Americans “Ching Chong”— DESDEMONA

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Racist. ED I didn’t finish. DESDEMONA You can’t say that. ED It’s not like we’re calling him “Chinky” or something. GRACE (to DESDEMONA) But if his name is Ching Chong, dear… UPTON Just call him J. DESDEMONA We need return him to his natural environment. We don’t know anything about his diet, his lifestyle, his ba sic wants. We don’t even have the right sensitivity training to even begin to cater to his needs as a displaced person. UPTON Dad, if we send J away, who knows what kind of racism, oppression, and torture he’ll face without our protection and benevolence. Plus, it’s for school. DESDEMONA It is not for school! ED Well, we are benevolent. DESDEMONA Dad: housing a refugee can’t be for school. ED Grace, you’re the boss. GRACE I am? ED Do you have any problems with Ching Chong? GRACE Well, school is important. UPTON Great. It’s settled.

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DESDEMONA Mom! UPTON (to the CHINESE MAN) Come on! (UPTON pulls the CHINESE MAN, now identified as J, out of the kitchen and up the stairs) GRACE Wait, why is he here again? ED (shrug) School? DESDEMONA This is ridiculous. How are we supposed to even communicate with him? ED If he doesn’t know English and we don’t know Chinese, as long as he’s in America, that’s his fault, not ours. DESDEMONA He’s probably not even a r eal refugee anyway. ED (almost to himself) And what’s wrong with “Ching Chong?” GRACE You know, you should really trust your brother a little more. DESDEMONA Why? He totally takes advantage of you guys. You buy him things he doesn’t need. And then you buy him more things that he also doesn’t need. I mean, where’s my t uition money supposed to come from, hmm?—if he’s buying everything? GRACE Should we not buy him things? DESDEMONA No! He’s fifteen, he’s never going to college, what could he possibly need? ED Now, now, there’s plenty of money for everyone to buy lots of things they don’t need. DESDEMONA He probably won’t even graduate, failing everything. GRACE

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Mona, you’re exaggerating: Ds are still passing. (produces Upton’s report card) I think he’s improving, Ed. DESDEMONA What is that? GRACE Your report cards came today. DESDEMONA Give it. (GRACE produces Desdemona’s report card) DESDEMONA You opened it?! GRACE You did well. You got a— (reads from report card) “3.76.” DESDEMONA That’s not w eighted! GRACE Isn’t that a good grade? Ed…? (shares the report card with ED) Look: “A. A. A. A. A. C. A.” DESDEMONA It was a C+! ED Very proud, Desi. GRACE That’s a lot of As. DESDEMONA Mom, just shut up, okay?! (DESDEMONA, tearful, grabs the report card from GRACE) GRACE You didn’t fail anything, dear. DESDEMONA Not everyone’s good at BC Calc. GRACE You even got all E s for citizenship. DESDEMONA Mom, no one cares about Es!

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GRACE I got all Es. ED I’m sure Princeton’s not going to care. DESDEMONA DAD! ED And if you’re applying early anyway, they may get your application even before you get a C or a D, right? DESDEMONA C+! And that’s only the mid-semester report, okay? GRACE Well, I’m still very proud of you, Mona. DESDEMONA Omigod, Mom! (DESDEMONA exits in despair. Pause. DESDEMONA pops her head back in, suddenly sweeter) DESDEMONA Wait: Mom, can you drive me tomorrow? GRACE What time? DESDEMONA The interview’s some time in the e vening, I’ll check. GRACE All right, dear. ED Say hi to Princeton for me. DESDEMONA Dad, AAAARGH! You guys are stressing me out! (DESDEMONA groans loudly and exits for good) GRACE Do you think we put too much pressure on her? ED Don’t worry about it. Probably her pe riod.

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GRACE I suppose. (beat) It’s my time of the month, too. ED That’s nice. (GRACE comes closer to ED) GRACE Like, the other “time of the month.” We could try— ED Maybe, maybe you should wait to hear from the doctor first. All that… movement… might jostle something out of place. GRACE I figure another try couldn’t hurt. ED You know, dear, maybe it’s too late. Menopause happens to a lot of women. GRACE Do you want carrots with t he Cornish hen? ED Cornish hen. For d inner. Chicken. GRACE Is chicken not okay? ED Chicken’s… okay, boss. It’s just, I w ould’ve figured, with Ching Chong in the house… GRACE We shouldn’t? ED Maybe we should order… I d on’t know, Chinese? GRACE We should order Chinese? ED Great. Order Chinese. GRACE Ed, you order. ED The number’s on the fridge.

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GRACE Ed, I’m scared. ED What are you scared of? Just call the number and say it in English. They’ll understand. GRACE Um. All right. (ED hands GRACE a menu and exits. GRACE picks up the phone) GRACE (to the phone) Hello there, do you have— (then more clearly) HELLO, I WOULD LIKE ONE ORDER OF SPRING ROLLS, ONE ORDER OF POTSTICKERS, ONE ORDER OF… (to offstage) Ed, what d o you want? ED (offstage) The noodles? GRACE AND THE NOODLES— (to offstage ED) You’ll have to be m ore specific. ED (offstage) The, uh, the noodles with the… beef. GRACE The flat ones? ED (offstage) The egg ones. DESDEMONA (offstage) No eggs. And vegetable pad thai, extra sprouts, no peanuts. GRACE FLAT NOODLES WITH EGGS, VEGETABLE PAD THAI— ( stops, then to offstage DESDEMONA) What’s Chinese for “pad thai?” (to phone) The—uh… (stops, checks the menu) THE NUMBER FIVE, THE NUMBER FOURTEEN… THE NUMBER TWENTY. ALL RIGHT, uh, doomo arigato… thank y ou. (GRACE hangs up the phone. She takes the tray of Cornish hens from the oven and sticks it in the refrigerator. She grabs her coat and exits) Scene 3 Upton’s room (UPTON reads his essay to a microphone at his computer)

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UPTON Podcast for Yankee Ingenuity: an essay by Upton Sinclair Lewis Wong. Take one. (beat) Now say I am a fifteen-year-old male whose greatest ambition is to qualify for a coveted spot in the World of Warcraft international arena tournament. An objective that requires several months of diligent playing. Now I’m o n this computer game, World of Warcraft, eight to ten hours a day. The rest of the time I am at school or I am asleep or I am doing h omework/chores. In order to win my spot at the international arena tournament, I must play during nearly all of my waking hours. Yet, there are also tasks in my life that must be fulfilled—education, family obligations, food, s leep, personal hygiene. But is there a way I can get both done? Scene 4 Kitchen (ED and DESDEMONA sit at t he kitchen table, waiting for their food. DESDEMONA reads from her stack of papers. J sits across from them, l ooking unsure of what to do. Waiting) ED So: Ching Chong, what do y ou think of America? DESDEMONA Dad, stop it. ED You like the big c ars? The highways? DESDEMONA If you don’t speak his language, don’t talk to him. I t’s insulting. ED What do you want me to do then? DESDEMONA Just sit there. Don’t look at him, don’t acknowledge him. (Silence) ED Nobody’s called yet, right? DESDEMONA For who? ED For Mom. DESDEMONA Nobody ever calls Mom.

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ED The doctor. DESDEMONA No. The doctor hasn’t called. ED Try to get it before she does. DESDEMONA Six and a half billion people in the world, millions starving below the poverty line. If she really wants a baby, she should go just go into Africa and sponsor a child. ED What about that little Korean girl of yours? She need a new home? DESDEMONA Kim is staying in Korea, her natural environment. And she is not mine; she is an independently sponsored child. ED But she’s an orphan, right? (The phone rings) ED Could be for one of us. Maybe Princeton on the phone. DESDEMONA Shut up. It’s not them. I know. (Nevertheless, DESDEMONA checks the Caller ID) DESDEMONA Cripes. ED We don’t know for sure what the results are. DESDEMONA You answer it then.

ED We’ll let the machine get it. (The phone rings several more times. ED and DESDEMONA wait uneasily. Then it stops) DESDEMONA You gonna tell her?

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ED We don’t need to t ell her anything. We’ll just… leave a little note. (ED gets out a pen and Post-It note and writes a message. He sticks the note in plain view on the refrigerator. On second thought, he re-sticks it inside the laundry basket. S ilence) ED We’ll leave a note and no one will say anything. (ED sends a meaningful glance at D ESDEMONA and at J. GRACE enters the kitchen with the takeout. She unpacks the takeout on the kitchen table) GRACE Look! They even gave us chopsticks. DESDEMONA Mom, they always give out chopsticks. GRACE Yes, but now maybe Ching Ching can teach us how to use them. ED (to offstage) Upton! Dinner! (Lights up on UPTON in his bedroom, playing a computer game) DESDEMONA I think you need to ban that game. He’s gonna become a delinquent. ED (to offstage) Hurry up or no spring rolls for you! (UPTON enters the kitchen, with his laptop still active. He reaches for a box of takeout. ED stops him) UPTON I’ve got a game in progress. ED Pause it. (UPTON in disbelief) UPTON Dad, you can’t  pause World of Warcraft. (no response from E D) It’s a real-time MMORPG. (no response) Real-time video games don’t pause.

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(Nevertheless, ED closes Upton’s laptop) ED Plenty of time later. And Desi, put those away. Time to eat. DESDEMONA Dad— (referring to UPTON’s game) That’s mindless, soul-sucking junk. This? (gestures to own papers) This is for school. School  school. GRACE Your father’s always right, darlings. ED Listen to the boss now. There’re things more important than school. DESDEMONA There is nothing more important than school. ED Plenty of things more important than school. Togetherness, money… UPTON Guild rankings, power levels… GRACE Dental appointments. Children. Babies— DESDEMONA So: Mom, guess who called? GRACE Someone called—? ED Guess who called Upton a loser again? UPTON Hey, this does not make me a loser. ED Time to eat! DESDEMONA This has egg in it. ED Where? DESDEMONA Here. UPTON

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Des: it’s egg foo young. GRACE Did someone call on the phone? ED So: company golf tournament. Family teams this year. GRACE I like golf. ED Desi? DESDEMONA Golf kills the earth. ED Upton? UPTON Is it outdoors? ED Probably. UPTON Can’t do it. GRACE I used to play in high school. (ED surveys the dinner table. He stops at J) ED Do they have golf in China? UPTON Um, I don’t think J’s gonna have time for that, Dad. Midterms’re coming up. ED (to J) You’ll be a regular Tiger Woods in no time. Little known fact: he’s Chinese, too. (The phone rings. Everyone pauses. Then the p hone stops) ED Wrong number, probably. GRACE

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Probably. (Phone rings again. GRACE jumps on the phone and answers) GRACE Yes?! (beat) What? (to UPTON) Did we order anything from Intel? (as UPTON shrugs) I’m sorry. (GRACE meekly returns to her seat) ED Ah well. Time to eat! (Everyone collectively picks up their chopsticks. J breaks apart his chopsticks and rubs the sides against each other, to sand off the splinters. Everyone follows suit. They then use them t o eat with varying degrees of skill. J gags a little on the food. A frustrated silence) GRACE Anyone want a fork? END OF EXCERPT