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Table of Contents INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................................................. 3 CHAPTER 1: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? ...................................................................................................... 5 CHAPTER 2: DON’T ACT DESPERATE! ......................................................................................................... 13 CHAPTER 3: REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU....................................................................................... 30 CHAPTER 4: RELIGHTING THE FLAME ........................................................................................................ 43 CHAPTER 5: HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE .................................................................................. 59 CHAPTER 6: EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP .............................................................................. 72 CHAPTER 7: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE .............................................................................................. 94 CHAPTER 8: WHEN IT CAN’T BE SAVED .................................................................................................... 103
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INTRODUCTION If you are reading this book right now then you have probably just broken up with somebody. It is also likely that you are in enough emotional pain that you feel you need some kind of help to assist you in dealing with your emotions. You may miss your ex so much that how and why it ended may not even matter anymore – all you know is that you want him or her back. Maybe you are at fault, or maybe your partner is – all you know is that you can’t think of anything else except for how you are going to repair all of this and reunite with your ex. In this book we are going to help you to get back together with your ex. First, we will use a little theory to explain why you do want to get back together, and then analyzing why the two of you may have split up in the first place. Sometimes, these reasons are not that obvious to you – they are hidden. It is crucial that you understand these reasons because they are causes of permanent break ups. Next you are going to learn how to manage your feelings, and in essence learn how to “get over” whatever is separating you two. You need to learn how to deal with your feelings. This is also essential because you cannot get someone back when you are being depressed, angry, or extremely needy. Your plan of action should be to read this guide on getting back together with your ex, and then you must follow the plan! Nothing will happen if you do not follow the plan! The best case scenario is that you start implementing these methods either before the breakup happens (such as right after a major fight) or immediately after your lover walks out on you. Basically, the more time that passes before you utilize these strategies, the longer it will take to see results, so you need get started as quickly as possible. So to sum up how you will use this book, you will need to follow these four basic steps to getting back with your ex – 3
1. Understand what broke you up in the first place 2. Deal with your feelings 3. Assess the situation to decide what your strategy should be 4. Work the plan to get back together with your ex.
If you’re starting to stress out because of your break up, it is totally normal. It’s perfectly typical to have anticipation anxiety throughout the process of breaking up and then attempting to reunite with your lover. Yes it is rough and painful. The most painful part is the thirty day wait before you can contact your ex again (which we will explain at a further time). However after finishing this book, you will be able to see this type of situation coming long before it occurs. You won’t be stuck in this type of miserable scenario ever again. Can’t get your ex off of your mind? Don’t continue to lose sleep over what happened or contemplate the mess your relationship has become twenty four hours a day. Instead be proactive, and follow the steps laid out in this book and you will be reunited with your ex in a month or so from today. The only two questions you have to ask yourself are, “Am I ready to get my ex back?” and, “Can I follow simple directions?” It’s up to you to decide if you’re ready for success. Is it a “yes”?
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CHAPTER 1: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END? Whenever we break up with someone we find ourselves asking the question, “Why did it have to end?” The universe is a cold place, however, when you look at everything objectively, the answer back to that question would be – “why not?” The point is you are not entitled to a relationship. Lovers say goodbye all the time. Nevertheless breakups are a major decision. When you are the one doing the dumping you are usually spared a lot of emotional torture. You can go on your merry way unscathed while the dumped person wrings their eyes. However things can be difficult for the person doing the dumping as well. This is especially true for women who are usually extremely loyal creatures and find the experience of dumping a boyfriend as hard as putting down the family pet. This is why many women often don’t break up with men until they are seeing someone else. Fear of being alone and in a transition period is also why many people cheat. However no matter what the situation, there are commonalities in all break ups that seem to be universal – your situation is never that unique, and somebody in history has been in your situation for sure. That is little comfort, but we have learned from these situations, and learned how to handle them so that you can get your lover back. So why do relationships end? Well, usually it is a case of mistrust. Even if we are told something, we do not believe it. Lovers make us suspicious. Our innate sense of jealousy makes us believe that there is more to the story, or that our partner is lying about the situation. No matter what it is, it’s human nature to feel this way.
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Often lovers just leave. They say it’s not working out and they just go. It is up to us to sort out the mystery of why this could possibly happen. It’s easy. They walk out because they cannot handle you or the situation. If your lover has left you and given you some lame excuse like, “It’s just not working out,” you have to de-code that secret-speech and figure out what went wrong on your own so you can fix it. This is key to eventually getting that reunion that you crave. Sometimes a lover cheats, and whoever is hurt might just decide to say goodbye. In this case it might be time to consider that there were problems in the relationship before the cheating took place. Cheating is not a spontaneous betrayal – it is usually a long time coming. Men and women leave relationships for different reasons. Here is a look at the some of the reasons why both sexes might leave …
Why Men Leave Relationships Men split because they do not want to hurt your feelings. They do not want to deal with your emotional reaction if you are confronted with an unpleasant truth. They don’t like the anger or the mess and fuss of tears and yelling. Some men don’t even know why they need to leave a relationship, they just do. They simply abandon it when it no longer gives them what they need. They need to see respect from the opposite sex. Sometimes they simply feel that they get tired of one lover and need some variety. Men leave when you do not see them as your hero any more, when they feel tiny, or like you don’t admire them. They crave approval. You have to let your man know he is admired in a big way or he will get it elsewhere.
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You need to keep the romance alive and be as touchy feely as the day that you first met. You need to bat your eyelashes and be sexy. Men don’t leave because they found someone more attractive or thinner. They leave because they need to feel respected, admired, and wanted. They will also leave if they feel criticized or nagged. A male is driven out of the relationship if he feels he is not ‘good enough” for the woman. Of course this does not mean that you can’t ever express your feelings, and that you must always be tiptoeing around your relationship. It just means that you have to compliment him three times for every artful suggestion you make as to how he should improve his life.
Why Women Leave Relationships Women feel emotionally rewarded when they practice loyalty, so it is actually very hard for them to leave a relationship. Loyalty is so ingrained in the woman’s psyche that they will be loyal to people even when they are disloyal to them. That is why so many women stay with men who beat them, lie to them, and cheat on them. Despite all of this, the fact that fate threw them together makes the woman feel that she owes the male her company. Most women will put up with a lot to keep their male. However the kiss of death for a woman is not feeling appreciated. The female sex lives to be complimented by males. If you do not praise her for the small creative things she does, or call to see how she is at work, she will soon go looking for a man who will shower her with praise and recognize her romantic creativity. In fact, this is how the great seducers of the world work. They compliment married women and act like a friend who wants to listen to their problems. This creates an instant bond. The Romeo listens to the woman’s problems, and then 7
describes how the man that she is with does not appreciate her. Guess who is the man who does appreciate her? Before you know it, the Casanova has stolen her from your arms by showering her with the attention that you could not give her.
The Unappreciated Say Goodbye So why did your relationship end? There are hundreds of reasons why two people split up, and here is list of just a few them. Notice that in this compilation of reasons, that in each scenario it all boils down to one partner not feeling appreciated.
Cheating A woman will cheat if she feels ignored and a man will cheat if he feels nagged or criticized. When the woman cheats on a man, the worst thing she can do is try and blame it on the man by claiming that she was lonely or that she needed someone to talk to. You might as well tell him that you do not admire him anymore. Remember that the male has to feel like the knight in shining armor or your reunion is not going to work. When a man cheats on a woman, her feelings of betrayal are over consumed by the feeling of being unappreciated. Women need to feel that you need them. Many women have stayed with men who have cheated as they feel they do not 8
want to give up. Make her feel needed and appreciated to have any hope in getting her back.
Constant Bickering and Fights Bickering is all about letting the other person know that you don’t appreciate them. This kills and ends many relationships. So many men leave because they think – “No matter what I did I just could not please her!” This male gives up and just goes with someone he feels he can make happy. Women who leave because of arguments are thinking the same thing – “He just doesn’t appreciate a single thing I do.” Be a lover not a critic if you decide to try and reunite with a partner. Don’t continue to nag or critique.
Trust A lack of trust may also affect your relationship. Fights usually occur because one partner breached the faith of the other. An example would be Tom having an affair on Sarah. There is a confrontation and the fight ensues. If one partner actually says to the other that they can’t trust you anymore, then you are going to blow it. The relationship will end for good. There is no greater expression of a lack of appreciation than being told that they are dishonorable enough not to be trusted. In fact, if these words have been spoken, it may be hard to get your ex back, but not impossible. The partner feels that he or she can never feel special and loved
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EVER again because; the other may make the same mistake again by having a second affair. So what is the point in fighting to save the relationship? The key to getting back your ex is to rebuild that trust again. Or at least make him or her believe that the resurrection of trust between you is certain and possible.
How to Take Control Believe it or not, you are in control of all of your responses to the things that happen to you in life. For instance, nothing anyone else does or says can make us feel a certain way without our consent. It is our response to a person’s actions or words that determines what happens next in our minds, feelings, and bodies. If someone makes a negative comment, it is up to you to determine how to respond. Do you choose to laugh it off or do you allow yourself to become deeply offended? Once you realize that the choice about how to handle things has always been your own, you will be much better off. Not only will you be better at getting other people to do what you want, you will also be better at getting yourself to do what you want as well, so that you do not convey unwise emotional reactions. By learning to have exquisite control of your own thoughts, behaviors, and emotions, you will automatically be influencing the thoughts, behaviors, and emotions of the people around you, as well as all the events that happen to you in your life. You simply become more powerful as you make choices about what to respond to in life. By changing your behavior, the way you dress and what you talk about to others, you can easily manifest dramatic changes in the way that your ex and potential new relationships respond to you. This is the kind of control you need, and you 10
can learn to have much more power in your relationships by changing the ways you respond to the world around you. Learning to have control over yourself is not as easy as it sounds. This is why so many people have difficulty sticking to a diet. Working on yourself is the fastest way to heal your relationship.
I Don’t Want to Play Games You might feel that you do not want to apply some of the strategies in this book because they seem too manipulative to you. Is your honesty and candid behavior working for you so far? It is noble to want a completely idealistic relationship. However, extreme measures may be necessary if you feel that your partner’s decision to leave you is a major mistake on his or her part. Whoever said love was fair? It is a dirty business that often requires strategy and emotional manipulation. Do you really want to give your ex the five years or so it would take to realize that mistake on their own. Why wait for this to play out when you can get your relationship back now. When your ex broke up with you he or she pulled a major power move. The attempt to recover a relationship will always be about a struggle for power no matter what you do. And when your ex broke up with you he or she basically told you that you don’t have enough to offer and that he or she can do much better than you. The way you play your cards at the very juncture of a fresh split is what is going to affect his or her opinion of you forever. If you make the wrong moves you will end up in the friend category for the rest of your life. You will simply not be counted among the romantic actions in your ex’s mind anymore. 11
You need to look at this like a chess match. You need to step up and play right now. There is no second prize in this type of game – just loneliness for the rest of your life. If you do not want to play games then you may not be interested in reading the rest of this book. It is all about how to manipulate your ex so he or she will come back into your waiting arms. Isn’t that the point?
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CHAPTER 2: DON’T ACT DESPERATE! When we feel we have lost something that touches us emotionally, people tend to panic. Panic is usually the first thing you feel when you and an ex officially break up. This is normal because sex is a basic drive that you need physically and psychologically, and your ex symbolizes the security of that notion. The very first urge is usually to call him or her on the phone to win back your love. Put that phone down. This can lead to overkill. You are in immediate self sabotaging danger by calling your ex too much or sending a thousand text messages to profess your undying feelings. Your ability to avoid panic in these situations will depend on your ability to control your thoughts and your mind. After being dumped, many people spend all their time thinking about their ex and replaying the best times they spent together over and over in their heads. It is a grief mechanism that denies the loss until your psyche is better prepared to deal with the enormity of it. Unfortunately, this constant focus on the positive aspects of their relationship will quickly lead them into a profound condition of anxiety and depression. They only contemplate what they have lost without looking at the reality of how they might actually have benefited from this split. Anytime someone is faced with the possibility of losing someone they care about, they will typically exaggerate that person’s positive qualities and downplay or “forget” their negative qualities. This is because when an object is in short supply, it is usually perceived as more valuable than if it were readily available. When a lover walks out on you, sometimes without warning, it can come as the biggest shock of your life. In an instant, your entire life feels like a big catastrophe.
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A breakup can be worse than a loved one passing away. At least when someone passes away and dies, there is an element of finality: what’s done is done and there is no way to reverse the situation. The conclusiveness of death gives you no choice but to move towards acceptance that the person is gone and there is no rescuing of the situation. However when it comes to breakups, the ex is not dead, and as long as he or she is alive there is still always a possibility that the two of you can get back together. The very idea that a reunion is possible can consume the entire mind. Everything in your life seems to suffer, your job, your recreational life, your friendships, and most importantly your health. You start to panic and all you can think about is how to get things back to the way they were before. The desire to do this becomes like a primal compelling urge that cannot be ignored. To get their ex back, many people will try any number of things from apologizing to outright demanding that the ex reconsider and come back right this minute. When nothing seems to work and one is rejected again and again, desperation can kick in. It is not long before crying, begging, screaming, and sometimes even physical intimidation can enter the picture. Unfortunately, this strategy pushes the ex farther away than ever before, leaving you in a tragic and lonely nightmare of unreciprocated love that never seems to end. The problem is that when you succumb to panic and obsessive behavior, you are going to look desperate. When you are looking like you have to beg for the relationship back, you are not looking attractive to your ex. There are ways to calm down and suppress panicky feelings until you get hold of yourself. You need to be calm so that you can come up with a rational strategy as to how to get him or her back.
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The key is to get a hold of yourself, develop a strategy, and not panic.
Post Break up Panic When people panic, they do things they are ashamed of the next morning. They stalk their ex. They drive by their house numerous times. They drunk dial them at all hours of the night. Then you end up wincing the next morning when you realize what you have done. The result is lower self-esteem, more panic, and more desperate behavior. It is a vicious cycle that keeps feeding itself and it is not going to get you your ex back. The panic you feel is from the emotional insecurity created by the break up. One minute you are loved and the next minute you are left with nothing. Even when you were arguing in the relationship, you knew how your day was going to turn out. Being suddenly single leaves you feeling vulnerable and resentful of the unpredictable. After a breakup you are suddenly thrown in to the unknown. At least when you were in your relationship you knew what to expect. Even if you were unhappy it was familiar. The problem too is that most of us really are a fool for love. Nobody is quite rational after a break up. The emotional high along with the insecurity about where you stand or what is going to happen can make you feel quite panicky. These feelings of panic can become quite physical. Your body happens to be an organic chemical factory and very little stimulation can drastically change your internal chemistry (by releasing hormones that affect neuron-transmitters) When you are with a lover, feel good chemicals are released. When you break up, your
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source of these free brain chemicals is gone and you can spiral down into feeling quite blue. The fact that it is so physical is why breaking up with your ex can feel so bad. You are withdrawing from bodily feel good chemicals that can be very similar to stopping an addiction cold turkey. This is why during a break up many people actually exhibit physical withdrawal symptoms such as nausea, lack of appetite, and depression. Don’t let anyone tell you that these physical symptoms are all in your head, because they are not! However, whether you are planning on getting back together with your ex or not, you are still going to have to go through some kind of personal renovation before you get your ex back. If not, your results with that person will be the same. If you do not put your emotions through some kind of rehab, you will simply end up repeating the patterns that broke you up in the first place.
Get Some Distance! If you do breakup, don’t try to rush back into it. That just makes it worse. You will only be like two boxers going in for round two of a fight that has no referee or audience. It will simply end up being a fight until the death of the relationship. Stop getting in your own way and let the rift heal. Let the other person miss you. YOU need to stop calling, emailing, stopping by, or just happening to be where you think your ex might be. Let’s define exactly what is meant by “distance.” It means, in plain English, absolutely no contact of any kind with your ex partner. You are not allowed to communicate to him or her in person, on the phone, or on the internet. You must avoid all contact with his or her friends, as well. 16
You must also tell your own friends to completely avoid your ex and any phone calls they may make. This is important because one of the first things they will probably do, if they can’t contact you directly, is attempt to contact your friends in order to retrieve information. You should have friends that care about you enough to trust your judgment and respect your wishes. If your friends won’t do this, you might have to question their loyalty to you and get new friends. In addition, your friends are not allowed to talk to her friends, either. You need to eliminate all avenues of possible contact or the strategies outlined for getting back together with your ex in this book will not be as effective. You may think winning back your true love as fast as possible shows that you care, but more often, your urgency causes your ex to feel even angrier with you. When your emotions are raw and the breakup is fresh you are more likely to … • Say things for dramatic effect and to get a reaction rather than state the truth • Say things to push his or her buttons to get attention or passion • Let things decay into a power struggle • Try to make your ex feel jealous by talking about real or imagined lovers • Use unkind words to make him or her suffer • Stalk him or her physically or on the internet • Harass your ex with phone calls • Rehash ancient arguments that go around in circles • Interrogate him or her about how time is spent without you • Using taunting language • Try to one up your partner and make him or her feel bad. • Try to seek revenge • Use sexual rejection to get even with your partner • Ask questions about the other person if there is infidelity (and get upset about the answers that you get) 17
These are not exactly attractive qualities in anyone and they do not exactly say “I love you” or “I want you back “to your ex. Allow yourself to have that cooling off period or you may succumb to these behaviors on the above list. Here is the immediate action that you can take. Look at your calendar and choose a period of time that is about a month. Circle that date about a month from now. This is the day that you can allow yourself to contact and talk to your ex. It helps even more if you write down a mission statement on a piece of paper (or on your calendar next to the slashes) and sign your name after it.
You can write something like: “I refuse to be the one who contacts my ex for the next thirty days or until I know for sure that it’s the right time, based on what I have read in this book.” Reward yourself for each week that you manage to successfully avoid him or her. Give yourself a treat. Buy yourself a pair of shoes or go golfing with the guys. Keep yourself motivated to stay on the program of avoiding your ex at all costs. If you do catch yourself about to call, email, I.M., drunk dial, or crash your car into his or her house, stop yourself! Wait until the date circled arrives or else your feelings will override the break you need. The break will help you see how things truly fell apart and to reflect on how to get him or her back. This can be difficult because the first reaction you may have to the split is one of overwhelming anxiety. Most people are fearful of distancing themselves after a breakup because they feel like they are throwing away their last chance to repair their situation. I assure you that this is not the case as long as you follow the steps
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outlined in this book, and stick to the thirty day pause in relations that is recommended.
Don’t Fall for the Friends Thing! A lot of people fall for it when the ex suggests that the two of you be friends. This is the kiss of death. Many people wrongly believe, having as much contact as possible is the way to hold onto their ex. They think they need to see their ex every day and talk on the phone as much as possible. The goal of this behavior is to block him or her from meeting someone else. Smothering your ex like this is an awful strategy. The only right move is to shut down all communications. By disappearing completely, you are challenging your partners certainty about dropping you, and changing it to disturbing uncertainty. When a woman chooses to dump a man or vice versa they usually feel pretty confident about it. If you disappear, you short circuit that arrogance. When your ex is unable to gather information about you directly, or from others, he or she will become very confused about the situation. He or she will start to imagine all kinds of different scenarios about you and all of his or her thoughts will also be on you. That is exactly what you want. The total focus of all of your ex’s thoughts to be on you, and only you. If you really want your ex back, this can mean faking your lack of emotions which can sometimes be hard to do face to face. Try to resist that tendency to wear your heart on our sleeve if you do see your ex. Try not to give in to calling back if you hear his or her voice again on the phone.
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Realize that if you see your ex too soon after a breakup, there’s a good chance that your true feelings will come out including your neediness, fear, and sadness. This desperation will make you appear less attractive to him or her. Another very important aspect of all of this is that if he or she doesn’t see you, it becomes very difficult for her to build a case against you. As you are absent, he or she will look like a fool to complain about you. Also, by avoiding her properly, you are giving yourself a chance to calm down and deal with any emotional issues that may come up. As you become more relaxed you will think more clearly and make better decisions. You absolutely cannot spend time at places where you think you might run into your ex. If the two of you always went to the same bar on Saturday nights, then you must change your routine. And it’s just as important to avoid running into your ex online. If you used to communicate through an instant messenger service such as AIM or Yahoo – take her off your buddy list.
What If You Must Be Together? If you both work together at the same place of employment, it is up to you to make sure that you can control your emotions and not create the bad situations. Sometimes you can’t take that break away because you take classes together or really do share the same exclusive circle of friends. In this case you have to grin and bear it.
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In these types of circumstances where avoidance is impossible then you want to be friendly. You want to smile, be courteous and say hello. However do not allow the lines of deep communication to be opened up again. It is important to be graceful yet firm about not wanting to talk to your ex in these situations. If you completely ignore him or her you can make it worse. You don’t want to make it intolerable for your friends and colleagues. You want to be calm and cool even if you are feeling really upset inside. This is for everybody’s sake but especially your own as it means going through a very important maturing process that will make you more attractive to your ex in the end.
Watch Out for Bad Advice During a break up, you’ll notice that everyone you know you will be full of advice. Your friends will say, “Hey, he or she was no good for you anyway. The next one you find will be so much better” or maybe, “They always come crawling back!” Of course in this case there may be no acknowledgement that you are actually the one who is crawling, and willing to do anything to get her back! Your mom or sister will say, “Just apologize and invite her over here for dinner tonight and it will all be okay.” Watch out for this type of oversimplification. This statement is deliberately designed to have you ignore the consequences of your actions over the long term. Bad advice like this can cost you the ability to see the big picture. Eventually, you’ll hear those famous words - “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.” This is usually what is said when you take all that bad advice and your ex seems further away from you than ever.
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People will be hurling advice at you everywhere you turn. Unfortunately, most of this advice will be contradictory, and some of it will encourage you to contact the ex which is the worst thing that you can do. Once someone gets confused by bad advice about what to do during a breakup, they will usually start to make random decisions about how to get their partner back instead of sticking to a clear cut plan that they laid out from the start. If you don’t take time to act strategically with a cool head, you are creating a recipe for disaster.
Deal With Your Biggest Fear For most people the fear is that their ex is sleeping with someone else. The bad news is that there is not a lot you can do to prevent this from happening. There are a couple of scenarios that might apply in this case. First off, he or she might be sleeping with someone else because it is comforting. It may not be about a relationship at all so you need to fight off those feelings that you have been replaced. It is likely more about boosting self-esteem and getting over you by replacing physical memories of you with new ones. The second scenario is that they are sleeping with someone that he or she really likes in an effort to progress a new relationship. This situation can pose a problem if you are not prepared to handle it. The good news is that handling it properly is easier than you might think. So what should you do about this situation? Don’t stick around and continue to chase your ex as if the other person were not in the way. By doing this, you are making yourself look needy and desperate (at the very least) and risk having more jealous fights that will increase their negativity towards you.
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The problem is that he or she has likely seen only great behavior from the new lover so far and all he or she is remembering about you is all the fights you just had when you were breaking up. Distance will also prevent you from doing or saying things that might make the situation worse simply because you feel jealous. You simply cannot afford to have your ex’s mind associating you with any negative imagery or phrases that he or she can run over again and again in their minds, so control yourself.
Sex with Your Ex is a Bad Idea Sometimes the two of you just can’t keep apart! Your ex might call you up and offer you sex. Is this actually a good sign? The answer is no. In fact it is often a sign that you are about to break up for good as in the proverbial good-bye send-off. Often the same passions that are fueling the desire for sex are also fueling the resentments, bitterness, and jealousy that are tearing you apart in the first place. It is a mistake to think that sex with your ex means that you are together. Sometimes your ex is only having sex with you because they feel sorry for you or simply because they need to have some physical comfort from someone. If you are game, it might as well be you. Why not use your body and then discard you if it is all over anyway? So when is the right time to have sex with your ex? Stick by the prescribed schedule. Wait that thirty days and he or she will not only be really crazy about you, but you might also suddenly find yourself in the position to be able to negotiate the relationship on your own terms.
Distance Prevents Closure 23
Closure is a state of psychological completion which occurs after everything is said and done. It occurs when a person has finally accepted the fact that their relationship is over for good and has decided to move on with their life. This is a deadly state of mind for your ex to be in because it leads her to the acceptance stage in the mourning process which in turn can lead to the possibility of the two of you never getting back together. As long as closure never happens, you can get back with an ex even years after the breakup. This isn’t as easy as it seems because exes will go out of their way to obtain closure and others will outright demand it so they can move on with their lives. You need to avoid contact to avoid closure, because consistent contact leads to consistent negativity. If you continue to have contact with your ex after the break up, most of that time will probably be spent fighting and arguing. After fighting and arguing for some time, one person will eventually get fed up, and it is at this point that the closure process begins. During these fights, when your ex lover is angry and possibly trying to hurt you in some way, he or she is still showing that she cares. However, after achieving closure he or she will be able to move on without acknowledging that you exist. This is obviously the last thing you want to have happen. Avoid creating the indifference and disgust that closure brings by making yourself scarce for the recommended month.
Take Time to Heal Taking time away from ex is really crucial because you need this time off to plan your strategy for getting your ex back. Right now you are focused on feelings of
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rejection, loneliness and hurt, and your judgment is off. You need to cool off from the emotions that always accompany any kind of romantic breakup. Giving yourself time away from your ex is a gift that will allow you to accomplish reconciliation in the end. Think of it as a reward and not a punishment. First of all, he or she needs time to miss you. This is where that phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” comes from. They can’t miss you if you won’t leave them alone. He or she might only just become annoyed or irritated. This is why you must watch out for you initial impulse which is to keep in constant contact with the ex. The thing is that there may be a very specific reason why the relationship ended, but during those first days when the wounds are fresh you may have a really hard time trying to figure out what needs to change. You will be focusing too much on your own feelings to be objective. Another bonus is that you will appear mature and less insecure if you can manage to keep your distance from him or her. This will create respect for you. Giving each other distance accomplishes these three main things – 1. Respect for you 2. You can think with your head instead of your emotions 3. Your ex will begin to miss you!
Making Good Use of This Time When most people break up they don’t know what to do with themselves. The other person was their touchstone in life.
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If you are not spending time with your partner you need to occupy yourself by doing something else. Here are some ideas for making that month when you are not with your ex productive.
Spend Time with Old Friends Take this time to catch up on old times with friends and family. This is a good distraction from your feelings as long as you keep the focus of the conversations off of your terrible romantic break up and talk about something positive. The point is to use your friends as a way of distracting yourself from thinking about your ex and not as a therapist.
Focus on a Favorite Hobby Is there a hobby you enjoy that you’ve neglected? Try getting back into it. The worst that can happen is that you end up meeting someone who has the same interests as you. In fact you could end up forgetting about your ex altogether if that happens as that is actually one of the best ways to meet someone new. Otherwise hiking, taking pictures or playing an instrument can give you time to reconnect with your own ambitions. There is no better way to take your mind off of relationship pain or to prevent the obsession that can sometimes set in after a break up.
Focus on Your Career
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Is there an area of your career you’ve been neglecting? Now is the perfect time to put in a few extra hours at the office. You do not have to become a workaholic but working on your career can definitely help you feel better about yourself and raise your self esteem.
Behaviors to Avoid It is easy to become depressed after a break up. It is very normal to feel blue or fall into a fit of despair. Here are some behaviors that can lead to or encourage depression. You definitely need to avoid – • • • • • •
Sleeping all day Isolating yourself from friends Drowning yourself in alcohol or recreational drugs Talking continuously about your break up Making any major life decisions Calling in sick to work
While it might be tempting to hole up in your bed watching television all day, you need to continue to live your life. Make sure to wake up early, get lots of exercise and make it to work on time. Fill your day with those things you enjoy.
The Fast Forward Technique Having problems getting over the pain of the break up? Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a way to “fast forward” past the pain, just as if you were pressing a button on a DVD player? 27
The fact is that you are in control of your emotions and that you can practice a coping method called the Fast Forward Technique for managing your emotions to help you get over the pain of emotional loss. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you perform this technique at least three times a day. STEP 1 Feel the emotion and notice how and where you feel it. For example many people feel emotional hurt in their chest or heart (that is why it is called heart break). Some people feel like they have been punched in the stomach. Now just focus on what exactly you are feeling and ask yourself silently or aloud the following… Can I allow this feeling? Or… Can I welcome this feeling? And then answer. It doesn’t matter if the answer is a Yes or No. STEP 2 Ask “Could I let this feeling go?” Again, a Yes or No to yourself is fine. STEP 3 Ask “Can I give myself permission to let this feeling go?” STEP 4 Ask “When?” STEP 5 28
Examine the feeling again and try to decide if you feel some kind of shift. You may feel calmer or more removed. Most people feel soothed and comforted after this because they feel more in control. They realize that they do not have to be caught full time in some kind of drama. You can use this technique to deal with all kinds of things which include, quitting smoking, compulsive eating, writer’s block, grief, and recovering from arguments.
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CHAPTER 3: REMOVING WHAT SEPARATES YOU In this chapter we are going to discuss removing the emotional issues and blocks that might be separating the two of you from each other. These include the envy, jealousy, and resentments that may be festering in your mind. The fact is this – your relationship is over for now. You can either choose to reconcile or move on. Both choices are the right choices in life. There is nothing wrong or shameful in moving on. You are not a loser. It happens all the time. You may need to search more in this lifetime for someone who is right for you. However, if you are reading this book, you probably want to get back together with your ex. If this is so then you need to pinpoint the issue or issues that are separating you two and deal with them.
What Went Wrong? First of all you need to figure out where you went wrong. It is time to take a step back and examine your relationship. You need to remove your emotions from the facts and take some time to review the great times as well as the lowest times of your relationship. Keep in mind that when we are hurt we all tend to think in black and white terms. We either see only good or only bad. In real life, everything is a mix and when it comes to human behavior and emotions there are many shades of gray. It is critical to think about the way the two of you where in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship as that is what you must do in order to keep the romance alive. 30
First of all, it helps to figure out what it was that you found appealing about the person in the first place, and what was appealing about you to him or her. This means reminiscing about the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship because that is the kind of behavior you have to return to in order to get the person back.
Looking At the Positives Most of the time romances go stale because the two of you let the daily grind of life suck the romance out of the relationship. Things probably got stale and dull. The things that caused you to fall in love in the first place often get buried beneath a mess of chores and obligations. You need to pull yourself up out of chaos that was created and decide to resurrect those qualities that made you part of a couple in the first place. This is called “looking at the positives in your relationship.” What do you think it was about yourself that first attracted your partner’s eye? Was it any of the things listed below? Did you – • • • • • • • • • • •
Both love long walks in nature Love to read Like to travel Like to exercise Enjoy the same movies Like sports Enjoy talking for hours Have the same taste in music Like the same restaurants and clubs Have the same ideas about building a future? Want to get rich? 31
• Like kinky sex • Want to have or adopt children? • Share the same moral and spiritual beliefs? Was there anything besides what is on this list that made you enjoy spending item with one another? In the beginning of a relationship you want to think about the other person constantly. Then you became complacent, took the other person for granted and started abusing the very thing that you loved the most. That is how you ended up splitting up in the first place. What kinds of things were you thinking about when you first met your partner? What was that helped build foundation in your relationship. What is it that made you fall in love? Write down ten things right now that you had in common that made the two of you fall in love. 1. _________________________ 2. _________________________ 3. _________________________ 4. _________________________ 5. _________________________ 6. _________________________ 7. _________________________ 8. _________________________ 32
9. _________________________ 10._________________________
Looking at the Negatives Looking at the negative things in your relationship is going to help you create a strategy. Like anything in life you should look at the pros and cons. It is the cons in the relationship that built up to the point where the two of you actually had to split. Sometimes a break up is caused by one large deal breaking issue. Sometimes it is caused by a buildup of smaller issues that build up until one last straw breaks the camel’s back. Either way, the two of you can be reunited. However, before this can happen, you need to objectively look at what might be causing all of this. What are the problems that you had in your relationship? Resist the urge to be insulting or bring your feelings into it. For instance, saying that she was a bitch or that he was a man slut is not going to help you heal. Take every negative thing that happened and rephrase it so it is more courteous. This helps you be more objective. Here are some examples: • • • • •
We had different ideas about commitment He was ready to settle down but I wasn’t Our morals were different Our spiritual beliefs were different We had nothing in common 33
• • • •
We had different ideas about having children Our values were not the same There was a lack of physical attraction One of us was unfaithful
This is only a partial list of what can go wrong in a relationship and you can add to this list if you need to in order to make sure that you have listed all the cons.
About Infidelity When it comes to infidelity there might be a few things that you need to think about. First of all cheating does not happen overnight. You need to be accountable and figure out if there was anything that you did to cause the problem. Was there a reason that your partner was dissatisfied and chose to look elsewhere to meet his or her sexual and emotional needs? Were you too busy to have sex? Did you let yourself go? Were you critical of the other person’s appearance? Be honest and accurate in your assessment of what went wrong. Determine what role you had to play in driving him or her away and accept that it might have been your fault. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Instead resolve these things to do better the second time around. Infidelity is not always about some deficit in your ability to meet the partner’s needs. Some people are out of control. The world is full of alcoholics, coke addicts, sex addicts, obsessive compulsives and manic depressives. It is not always your fault, but these disorders do mean that you will never be able to trust the individual, ever, in your life. In that event do you have enough unconditional love within you in order to withstand actually continuing a relationship with a sick individual who may always
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be unfaithful because he or she can’t help it? Is this type of uncertainty, shame and neglect going to suit you for the rest of your life? These are big questions that you need to ask yourself. Over the next month while you reassess your relationship, you might want to take a second look at this list to see if you still want to get back together with your ex, or if you want to remove or add any things to help maintain a balance and objective view of what really happened.
Why Do You Want Your Ex Back? Now that you’ve looked at some of the pros and cons about your breakup as objectively as possible, take some time to review your list. When reviewing it, what do you feel? Are you getting in touch with why you may or may not want your ex back. This list should help you make a wise and discerning decision. It is time to get some perspective. We all have initial feelings of regret after a break up, but are your reasons solid enough to justify returning to the same person? You are about to put a lot of time and energy into a reunion so make sure it is what you want.
Rationalizations about Break Ups When we break up with people we tend to rationalize events and tell ourselves lies. It is because we regret the break up. Here is an example of the kinds of things that we tell ourselves --
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• • • • • • •
I can’t go on without him He was my everything Without her I have no life I will never find anyone better She was the best thing that ever happened to me I can’t stand to be alone I can change him!
These types of statements are often false. First of all people do go on and thrive after a break up and often they do meet someone better. They learn to stand on their own two feet and be happy alone. They learn that they do not need to be codependent to feel fulfilled. It is normal to feel any of the statements above, but it is also good to realize that they are also false. The truth is that you have to make sure that you are okay with yourself before you can be with anyone, including your ex. You don’t need anybody to be happy. If you keep thinking that you are incomplete unless you are in a relationship then you will have problems with your ex or any new romances that you might have in the future. You will not die if you do not get together with your ex. If your partner was your whole life, then you need to get your own life. It is okay to move on and have more experiences with other people if you need to.
Good Reasons to Reunite Now that we have gone over some of the fantasies that people have about getting back together with their exes, it is time to look at some of the good reasons to get back together. 36
For example, was the decision to break up a rash decision? You might have decided to break up as the result of a specific problem. Maybe you haven’t really tried to solve the entire problem. If you were happy most of the time you were together it might be a good idea not to throw it all away. All relationships have ups and downs. Are your expectations realistic? Did you break up because you expected your partner to be perfect? Don’t throw away your relationship because he or she could not live up to some ideal... If you’re seeking perfection in your partner, you may end up alone and bitter – because we all have faults. Do you and your ex generally want the same things? Is it possible that you can accept some of his or her negative qualities in order to have the big picture of what you want? Sometimes relationship success is about compromise.
Will Things Ever Be the Same? “Will things ever be the same” if you do get back together? The point is that you do not want them to be the same as that is what broke you up in the first place. A lot of times, a breakup will cause a person to change their entire character (the way they act and behave in a relationship) to something completely different in order to get their lover to come back. For instance, a person who was previously a book worm might become a sex bomb. This is all in an effort to play up to what they think the partner wants to see and hear. But what almost always happens is the second they get the relationship back; they will quickly revert back to their old character again. People get accustomed to playing certain roles and find it hard to deviate from their original one for long.
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This kind of behavior change usually causes uneasiness and an eventual break up. The point is that change is good but don’t try to be somebody that you are not. Sticking to a solid plan (like the one I’ve laid out for you) will help ensure that your ex returns with even more love and respect for you than before.
Making Effective Changes The most effective changes are usually big changes. It would be wonderful if it was just a matter of snapping your fingers and suddenly your relationship was loving instead of hateful. The plain fact is that you cannot change yourself overnight. You can have dynamic moments that assist you in adjusting your behaviors. However overall it is impossible to change yourself to please another. It is also impossible for your ex to change overnight. Nobody goes from being the Wicked Witch of the West to the Good Fairy just because you imagine it so or because it is your ideal. In fact if you want your ex back, the key words to making it work might be unconditional love and compromise not idealism and noble retribution. Change takes patience. Do you have it? The other big rule of relationships is that you cannot change the other person. You can only change yourself. Are you willing to make those changes to your own character so that you can live up to someone else’s ideals?
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Reassessing Your Goals You need to look at your goals in life and those that you’re ex holds dear, and ask if they are synchronous. If not, a reunion with your ex might just take you down a long road of misery and unhappiness in which what you really want is always sacrificed for someone else’s needs. You need to look at your relationship with a super sharp critical eye and decide if it’s what you really want and need for your future. Is your ex the person of your dreams or is this all about “not losing” in life? You have probably heard that phrase “it is better to stay with the Devil You Know, rather than go with The Devil You Don’t.” Sometimes fear of the unknown is what makes you want to stay with your ex. Are you mourning the loss of a person or the fleshy equivalent of a security blanket. It does not hurt to see other people when you are breaking up with your ex. It will give you more of a cooling off time so you can determine if you really want to get back together or if you are actually ready to see each other.
Love and Hate Have Equal Weight There is a fine line between love and hate and in relationships they have equal weight. They are not opposites. The opposite of love is complete indifference. This distinction can really help you accurately assess where you stand and how hard it might be to get your ex back into your life. The same ex that was telling you how they could not live without you is telling you one week later that they hate you. That is how thin that line is. That is evidence of passion and evidence that you might still be able to get back together. 39
Indifference means the person is just not there for you emotionally any more. The passion is gone and it might be harder to get together. If you’ve decided that your relationship is worth fighting for, then please continue to read this book. In the following chapters, you’ll learn how to take care of yourself, formulate a plan, open the lines of communication with your ex, and get back together. Once you’ve been able to achieve reconciliation, you’ll also learn some strategies for protecting your relationship from further breakups. Taking care of yourself is the first step to taking care of your relationship. It’s also the first step toward getting back into love.
Twelve Ways to Blow It When you break up you are in mental pain which means it is easy to blow your attempts to reconcile by doing ANY of the things below. 1. Failing to stay away. While it may seem wrong, distance from your ex is absolutely required or everything else you do will fail. Stop calling, stop talking to mutual friends and avoid seeing him or her in person. 2. Being too understanding. Never tell your ex things like “I will wait for you.” Reward only those behaviors you want more of and ignore those that you want to go way. Obviously, the very act of breaking up with you is faulty conduct and by being kind you are showing that you approve of it.
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3. Bending over backwards to get your lover back. Being sweet as pie often gets you eaten alive! If he or she takes you back you will have no power in the relationship and be taken for granted. 4. Acting too needy. Showing neediness is one of the biggest killers of attraction and must be avoided at all costs. 5. Losing your temper. Not being in control of your emotions, including your anger, is another major mistake. If someone knows how to push your buttons they also know how to manipulate you. To get your ex back you must be in control of your emotional state and be the one who chooses which emotions you display and at which times. 6. Refusing to date other people. Never underestimate the power of jealousy. Your ex will feel more jealous of you if you are dating. The best case scenario is if you keep it a secret and she finds out through other sources. If you don’t flaunt it, it makes you really powerful. The only time you should bring up your exploits in conversation is if you are asked directly by your ex. 7. Not having a detailed plan. Without a detailed plan for getting your ex back other people and your emotions can cloud your judgment. A plan helps you stay consistent with your original intent. 8. Not having a strategy to deal with emotional pain. When you are in pain your self-esteem is low and you don to feel well. You make emotional mistakes and risk presenting yourself to your ex in a light that is not quite accurate.
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9. Allowing yourself to stay “stuck”. If you don’t try to either move on or get back with your ex you will be stagnate. You can end up obsessing over your lost love for years. One of the most important things in life is to be decisive and have a strong sense of purpose. Being stuck can be devastating emotionally, financially and spiritually. 10. Isolating yourself. Failure to maintain a social network can keep you waiting inside your house for weeks waiting for an ex to call. The whole point of going out is to meet new or old friends and get your mind off of him or her. When you do go out don’t obsess about your ex to your friends or they will eventually get tired of it and not ask you out. 11.Believing what your ex tells you about why you broke up. Your ex may never tell you the real reason for breaking up with you. He or she does not want to hurt you. Assume the worst reason you can think of. 12. Giving your ex ultimatums. Problems start when you begin to use ultimatums to manipulate unwanted behavior. Ultimatums trap you, and in the end they rarely ever work. In fact, you end up having to deal with consequences that you were previously threatened with.
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CHAPTER 4: RELIGHTING THE FLAME After a break up it is your job to make yourself more desirable. This means putting yourself first. Others are attracted to those who put themselves first and who have high self-esteem. You need to go back to the initial phases of attraction and romance to renew your feelings of desirability and confidence. Think of who you are more attracted to – someone who puts their best face forward or someone who could not care less? You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt or Carmen Electra to attract a mate, but you do have to put time and energy into taking care of your looks and health. It is not about becoming perfect. It is about being the best you can be. This is harder to do when you are feeling miserable because of a break up but these few very simple steps can bring you back into a happy and health frame of mind. You need to understand how a breakup can easily cause your emotions to spiral as your body becomes sapped by stomach-churning stress chemicals. Simple normal things like eating, sleeping, thinking, and even speaking quickly become second to seeing your ex when these stimulating chemicals are surging through your system. In essence, your body starts behaving like it is coming down off a drug (your relationship) which creates the kind of massive withdrawal that a user of morphine or heroin might experience. This is why after a breakup you can look bad. You can look worse than you ever have in your whole life. The changes in brain chemistry can make you feel very depressed because you literally are in withdrawal from your ex!
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In order to attract your ex back you have to take these essential first steps towards improving yourself. When you take care of you, a great vibe goes out that nobody can see but everyone feels. It brings good people to you. Even the subtlest change in appearance is crucial because it can help you break your toxic patterns with your ex. It is symbolic of your personal transformation and the desire not to be the person you used to be. Your ex needs to see you in a different light and if you change your appearance for the better then you do not remind them so much of the bad experiences of the past. Studies show that people link bad feelings to the tangible features of the other person and just seeing them can bring up toxic emotions like resentment, jealousy and even hate. If you want your ex to lose negative thoughts, you can change your appearance. Try to look, smell, and speak differently. That way when you do contact your ex again, you are not trapped in the same pattern where the ex associates you with unpleasantness. Not only does changing your appearance for the better help your ex forget the past but the improvement in your appearance acts as a potent aphrodisiac. The increased self confidences helps make you look and feel very attractive.
How A Break Up Affects Every Part of You There are interesting reasons why a breakup can be so absolutely devastating to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. The psychologist, Abraham Maslow did many studies on human mating and what happens to us psychologically when we fall in and out of love. Maslow was an evolutionary biologist which is an area of study that is a lot about what makes you and I tick. After observing and studying primates early in his 44
career, Maslow discovered that some biological needs take precedence over others. For instance, the human need for food, air and water happens to be more important than the need for protection and security. For example, if you were stuck in a desert with the hot sun blaring down on you, chances are high that finding shade would be a major priority. However if you spill your bottle of water than that will be higher on your to do list than seeking out shade. Maslow published the famous “Hierarchy of Needs Theory,” (Maslow, 1989) which lays out five levels of human needs in order of importance. They are as follows: 1. The physiological needs These include the need for food, air, water, vitamins, as well as the need to be active, to rest, to excrete waste, to avoid pain and to have sex. (Notice that sex is right up at the top of this list! No wonder your ex seems so important to you. No wonder some of us prefer to have sex rather than eat) 2. The safety and security needs When the first set of needs is taken care of the second set becomes a priority. This set consists of shelter, protection and safety. Things like a good retirement plan and living in a safe neighborhood are in this category. (This could also explain why so many women give up money and homes for an ex – material goods are second to the need for sex which is number one on Maslow’s list.) 3. The love and belonging needs
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When the first two levels are mostly taken care of, you start to become aware of the need to love and be loved, have a relationship, have children, have friends and maybe even become part of a community.
4. The esteem needs The next level is where we begin to look for self-esteem and respect. We look for the respect of others in the form of status, fame, recognition, acceptance, as well as self-respect in the form of confidence, mastery, independence and freedom. According to Maslow, who invented this hierarchy of needs, if these levels are not fulfilled, you might experience a loss in your life and yearn to seek out change. Maslow uses a good metaphor for why relationships become so important to us after we have lost them. He compares it to thirst. After drinking enough water we experience gratification as thirst disappears and fluids no longer seem important to us. After being in a relationship for a while we start to take it for granted in much the same way. We no longer feel the happiness and bliss that we originally experienced. The emotional drop helps us switch your primary focus from our relationship to the acquisition of other goals in life such as getting rich. The bad news is that our relationship may now seem stale in comparison to how it used to be simply because the intensity of our feelings has diminished. Many people will even mistake this to be an indication that they are no longer in love. However, when our relationship is threatened in some way, it’s safe to say that we definitely start feeling something because it is under threat of being taken away from us.
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When things are going well, most of us will be unaware of feeling content until the situation changes. It is like the temperature in a room. You are not consciously aware of it until you are uncomfortable. A similar thing happens after a breakup. Soon after your relationship is over, you will start to notice a major difference in how you used to feel now that you have been removed from your emotional comfort zone. This can create a combined sense of panic, anxiety, sadness, and loss, all of which is nature’s way to motivate you to fix your relationship or start a new one. Now once these four lower level categories are mostly satisfied, you can reach the final level that Maslow calls, “self-actualization.” Anytime you feel a deficit in a survival needs category, your mind will tend to focus most of its resources on filling that void. And since your brain views your emotional survival to be almost as important as your physical survival, you can see how a relationship can cause such tremendous pain and anxiety. During a difficult breakup, even a simple task like concentrating on your job becomes labor. No matter how hard you try, your thoughts keep going back to the problem of the lost love to the point where focusing on anything else can seem impossible. Our sexual urges can be powerful enough for us to cheat on our partners, even when our relationships are satisfying in every other way. Most people, if they thought about it, would realize that they don’t just want there to change her mind and take them back. What they really want is to have their relationship back exactly the way it was before the problems started so that sex is truly fulfilling emotionally.
Change Your Body 47
When it comes to making a change that will have some impact, the first place to start is your body. When your body is healthy you look better and have more energy. This helps keep you in better shape mentally as well. A lot of people get depressed after a break up. They lie around in bed and fill their body full of junk food. Some people can’t get motivated to exercise and they may not feel like moving around much but that is one sure way to get fat and unattractive. You need to fight these types of instincts. Every topic addressed in this chapter is designed to give you more energy. That’s because a split can often leave you feeling drained.
Get Moving If you want to have a sexy body you need to get moving. This means exercise. You need to get into a routine of exercising at least 30-45 minutes every day. If you already have a gym membership – start using it. If not, there are many activities you can do that don’t require a lot of extra money or equipment. Exercising does not really have to cost a dime. Activities you can do on your own include -• • • • •
Walking Jogging Rollerblading Biking Swimming
These activities get your heart rate up, get you sweating and improve your mood. When you exercise your body creates hormones called endorphins. These chemicals are natural pain relievers that help you feel good.
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Other exercises that are good for helping you to relax and stay strong are – • • • •
Stretching Weight Training Yoga Pilates
Performed correctly these exercises will help to improve your strength. They’ll help you to =walk taller and be more confident. These should be used to supplement the more aerobic activities you participate in every day. If you are finding it hard to get it going sometimes, it helps to find an exercise buddy. Finding a buddy can also help you to get into gear. If you have a close friend – or even acquaintance – who would like to work out, it may help motivate you even more. There are many activities that are great for you and an exercise buddy. These include – • • • • • • • • • • •
Biking Hiking Jogging Running Taking long walks Basketball Tennis Racquetball Rollerblading Aqua fit Swimming
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Remember that exercise is not about punishing yourself. It is about being the best you possible, and about gaining the confidence you need to attract the love of your life.
Don’t Eat “Break Up Foods” People who hurt tend to eat fatty, sugary and over salted foods. It comforts us. People who hurt tend to eat more and also eat foods that are not good for them. These are called break up foods and they include – • • • • • • • • • •
Ice cream Cakes Cookies Chocolate Sodas Deep fried foods Chinese food Fast food burgers French Fries Potato chips
These foods provide us with a temporary sense of comfort but in the end they make you feel and look even worse. A lot of people want to eat healthy foods but they do not know what foods are the absolute best. There are many detailed and very good books about eating right in the bookstores that can help guide you to eating better. In general you do not have to head to the nearest weight loss program center to lose weight. You just need to follow the guidelines that are explained here.
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Protein You need to eat plenty of protein to help fuel your muscles and brain. This gives you stamina and also levels out your emotions. People who eat enough protein are less vulnerable to mood swings. Good sources of protein include – • • • • • • • • • •
Pork Beef Chicken Turkey Eggs Beans Yogurt Milk Cheese Nuts
When you eat protein from meat you need to make sure you are getting it from high quality lean cuts of meat. You should also limit servings of red meat to once a week. Eating yogurt and drinking milk can also be good for keeping you emotionally balanced because protein keeps your energy and brain chemistry normal. The fat that is found in nuts is good for your heart and brain and helps regulate your brain chemistry so you do act irrationally or become prone to mood swings.
Fruits and Vegetables Produce provides us with fiber and vitamins. The more colorful the fruits and vegetables are the more they can provide you with antioxidants which help keep you looking young and beautiful. 51
Every time you sit down to eat you need to see at least four different colors on your plate. This ensures that you are getting all of the nutritional factors that you need to stay balanced and to have enough energy to cope with the moods and emotions that you might be feeling after a breakup. You don’t have to be stuck in a rut when it comes to eating fruits and vegetables. When it comes to produce you literally have hundreds of choices. Unsealed and beneficial fruits that you can eat include – • • • • • •
pomegranate pineapple strawberries kumquat Cherries Grapes
Vegetables that you can eat include -• • • • • • • • •
Squash Peppers Beets Greens Cabbage Leeks Pumpkin Mushrooms Tomatoes
You can also get plenty of recipes online. Be adventurous and try to eat something at least once a week that you’ve never had before.
Eat Good Fat 52
If you did not eat any fat at all you would not look good at all. Fat is something your body really needs and you need it to support your mental health as well as supply you with enough energy. Unfortunately when we feel low, as we do after a break up, we tend to stuff ourselves with the kind of bad fat that comes from consuming a double cheeseburger, fries and shake. These are bad fats. Good fats that help feed your brain and skin are found in flax seed oil, fish oil and nuts. These unsaturated fats can actually make your heart healthier. The fatty acids that can be found in flaxseed and fish oil can also improve your mood. Eating a few servings of these oils a day even has an antidepressant effect. You can simply add these oils to salad dressing or take them as supplements.
Water for Health The last major step you need to take to eat right is to keep your body hydrated. Instead of living on soda and coffee, try drinking water. This will keep you from overeating and help you replace the fluids you’ve lost from all that exercising. Drinking water also helps to prevent headaches, helps your joints feel better, and keeps you from getting bloated. These things will help you look and feel better so that you can be more energetic and more attractive as well. How much is enough? You need about 64 ounces of water a day. That’s the equivalent of 8 small glasses. If you’re working out a lot, you might need to drink even more than that.
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Getting Your Mind in Shape Getting your mind in good shape is the first step to excellent health. There are things that you can do to keep it from becoming unbalanced. Unbalanced minds create toxic thoughts and strange behaviors. If you are serious about getting your mind in shape then you have to get serious about taking care of your mental health. There are many techniques for helping you practice mental hygiene so that your thoughts are always straight and not colored by jealousy.
Write It Down Writing your feelings down is a form of release that gives you permission to name them and experience them in a safe way that does not harm others. It gives you clarity about what you are really bothered about and helps you to move on. It also prevents obsession with an ex. It is good to buy a journal or spiral notebook to jot things in it twice a day. If you do not know how to begin then start writing your thoughts down like they were a letter to a good friend. The need to pour your heart out about how bad you feel about the break up can usually get your creative juices flowing. Writing about your relationship can help lead you to realizations about it. You can be more objective about what went wrong and what went right in the relationship. It can also help you understand why you might want to get back together with your ex. Journals can also be a place in which you can safely confide feelings of regret, resentment, or hate. This can prevent you from expressing it inappropriately or publically.
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Journaling is not for everyone but it’s a good idea to try it before you decide that it is ineffective for you. You do not have to be a great writer as it is meant for nobody else’s eyes but your own. It is recommended that you write in your journal twice a day – once in the morning and once at night. This helps you release hurt and frustrations that may have built up during the day.
Turn to Your Friends In times of crisis your friends are usually there for you. You do not have to spend all of your time crying in your beer about your loss. However they can lend an ear when you are feeling low. Friends can also be good distractions if you are feeling lonely and they can remind you of how to have fun again. If you are feeling lonely call up your pals and make plans to go out to dinner, go shopping or do whatever it is that can help you have fun again.
See Someone If you are really having problems handling your emotions then it might be time for you to see someone. Signs you need professional help are – • Obsessing continuously all day long • Talking about your ex all day long • Everything reminds you of your ex 55
• • • • •
Giving your ex all the power to make you happy or sad Thoughts of your ex exclude all other thoughts Your breakup is interfering with your work or ability to survive You are actively stalking your ex You feel very depressed
It often helps to have an objective person to talk to even if you do not have any of the above symptoms. In essence the therapist can be used as a healing tool that can help you get over the toxic feelings that you are experiencing faster. The only downside is that seeing a good therapist can cost you and you might want to shop around for one that fits with you well.
Try Being Shallow Being shallow means having fun. Sometimes writing too much about your feelings or talking too much about them keeps you dwelling on the past. Sometimes it helps to forget yourself and your emotional burdens and do things you enjoy. It helps to make alit of your favorite activities and do at least one of them every day. This helps to ease feelings of panic and desperation and also helps you to be a little lighter in terms of your personality.
Avoid Self Medicating Self-medication is the polite term for eating or drinking too much. However when people feel sad they drink or do drugs to ward off the feelings of panic and desperation they were feeling.
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The problem is that recreational drinking or drug use only gives you a temporary lift and then you are more depressed than ever. The alcohol poisoning and hangovers can also wreak havoc on your body. The worst effect however is how all of this can affect your judgment and your mood. Most people make the worst decisions under these circumstances. That is when they have meaningless one night stands or drunk dial the ex. The result is fits of low self-esteem and even more emotional pain when you are rejected by your ex for being such an inappropriate emotionally messy freak. You have to decide what is more important – a night of being disassociated from your feelings or sticking to your long term goal of getting back with our ex. Treat your mind and body with respect and your ex is more likely to do the same.
Give Yourself a Makeover Dressing more up to date can go a long way to making you look hot to your ex and also improve yourself esteem in general. First of all update your wardrobe. If you are a man get into some fashion magazines such as Details, GQ or Esquire, and get a feel for what is in style. Women can do the same reading Cosmo, Elle and other fashion magazines. It also helps here not to be too trendy. As long as you feel good about what you are wearing you are in good shape. Changing your hairstyle can also give you drastic but positive results. Try parting your hair differently or wearing it shorter or longer. Getting contact lenses or eye surgery can also help you look better than ever before. A tooth whitening also improves your appearance. Dentists will do it in 57
less than an hour using a laser. You can also buy very effective tooth whitening kits in drug stores. Dental work in general can always help improve your appearance especially if it is affecting your smile. It won’t be as painful as you think but usually there is an expense. However, as it is your smile that is used to attract others so it is worth it. Getting your skin problems fixed is also quite easy and usually you can see some kind of improvement within thirty days. Once you have put your health, beauty and makeover plan into action you will be amazed at the positive results it brings you, not only in terms of your ex but also in terms of other areas of your life such as your career and social life.
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CHAPTER 5: HOW DATING MAKES YOU DESIRABLE Dating other people is exactly what you need to realize that the breakup of our relationship is not the end of the world. Dating can perform many valuable functions for you including helping you realize that that you are still attractive and that you do have the choice to move on if you need to. If there is something between you and your ex left to salvage, he or she will be very motivated to see you especially that you are dating. Never underestimate the power of jealousy to motivate your ex into getting you back.
Are You Ready to Date? The main thing that prevents people from dating is the fear that their ex will give up on them if they know you are seeing someone else. However this is usually a good thing. To the ex it is going to mean you moved on. However you know that you haven’t. Dating other people is a powerful, self-assured way to show you are not panicked or desperate.
Dating Takes Your Mind off Your Ex The other good thing about dating is that it makes you feel more confident and in control. It is also a chance for you to have some fun while you are on that break from our ex.
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Even better, dating can completely distract you from your ex. The fact that you are on a date is also life affirming. It helps prove to you that there is a life out there beyond your last relationship. Now, you may know that you haven’t really moved on, but your ex is in the dark. When you take the first step of going out with someone else you show your ex that you’re not desperate or panicked. Instead, you appear self-assured and strong. This is also like a Plan B if Plan A (getting back with your ex) does not work out.
Getting Back Into the Dating Game If you have been with your ex a long time you probably feel very nervous about meeting new people. You need to get over any phobias you have about dating and realize that it is not the big deal it used to be. Also as you are technically on the “rebound” you don’t have to worry much about finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Instead you can focus on extending your social circle and making new friendships. Our society proved many options for dating when you are freshly single including high tech dating. The most obvious place to look for a date is on the internet.
Internet Dating Finding a date nowadays is as easy as typing in a few descriptions into a computer. There are dating sites based on everything nowadays. There are ones based on religion, culture, and even your pet preferences.
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If you don’t know what you want, stick with the bigger sites as they can do the matching for you based on your personality profiles. Your odds of meeting someone are just that much greater. You can also go into chat rooms to find people who are interested in the same things as you. All you need to get started is a few digital pictures of yourself and an Internet connection.
Speed Dating Speed Dating is a contemporary and popular way to meet people. Most major cities have companies that provide this type service and the events are staged in coffee shops and night clubs. The idea is that you have dates that last anywhere from two to five minutes so you can see if you have an initial attractions with someone. The meetings are timed and you go in a circle so you can meet several people in a short time. If both of you are interested you can exchange numbers or arrange a date.
Dinner Dating Clubs Another great option for dating is a dinner club. At this type of club you are scheduled for a dinner appointment. This allows you to chat with many different people in a low pressure environment. If you don’t make a connection you have still had the opportunities, plus able to have an enjoyable meal.
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Friends and family are all too happy to set you up with someone if you are not comfortable with high tech internet ways of getting a date or joining a dinner dating club. Some people enjoy being set up with others and some don’t. However it can be an effective way to meet someone because usually your friends have a good idea of who might be right for you.
Make Dating Goals The thing about dating is that it is like a part time job. You need to set goals and set aside time for it or it is not going to happen. This can be difficult if you are busy or depressed. A good goal is to try and get on date a week while you are taking a break from your ex. These dates should be with different people so you can meet a variety of potential partners. Put your goals down on paper and try to stick to them.
Dating Etiquette Once you are on a date there are some basic rules for considering your new date’s feelings. For one thing your new date does not have to know that you are just on a break from your ex. Do not tell your date that you are on the rebound. Here are some tips for an enjoyable evening.
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• Do not spend time talking about your ex – this should not be mentioned at all! • Focus on the person you are with and truly get to know him or her. You never know when you will make a great new friend or future lover. • Let loose and have fun. Try to have a good time and do not think about your ex. • Dress to impress and behave like you are trying to impress your date. • Let them know if you are not interested. Be candid yet kind. Don’t string him or her along if it is not working out. • Keep an open mind. You might really like the person you are dating and be open to a new relationship either now or in the future. Don’t be depressed if you don’t meet anyone that suits you right away. That is just part of dating
If you’re Ex is Dating It can be upsetting to find out that your ex is dating too. It could even cause you to panic and try to contact your ex before the month is up. Don’t do this. You will feel very upset but if you dial that phone you will look needy and desperate. The result will be that instead of drawing your ex closer, you will be pushing him or her away. Attempt to look at your ex’s experience in a different light. Look at the difficulties that you might be experiencing with dating and imagine them having the same fears. For instance if you are uncomfortable meetings someone new your ex probably is as well.
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Another good point is that any new person will not have your history. Also any new person has a good chance of only being a rebound relationship and not much else. In fact studies show that ninety percent of rebound relationships do not work out. This should be a comforting percentage point for you to remember if you start feeling anxious that you will lose your ex to another relationship. When your ex dates even more distance is created between you. He or she will start to remember the good times and this will diminish the experience of any new people that your ex is dating. Instead of worrying about your ex dating someone else, be glad that he or she is occupied in this way as it means that your ex will be all the more receptive to you when you do reach out for contact.
Rebound Relationships Rebound relationships can be problematic. There are several reasons for this… • • • •
You feel insecure as the result of your breakup You are desperate to know that others find you attractive You make rash and impulsive decisions because you are in a crisis You are willing to overlook major problems with a new date because you just want to move on
While it might be tempting to immerse yourself immediately into another long term relationship it is probably not a good idea to do so. Going on a few dates to gain self confidence and have fun is great but if you want long lasting commitment you need a strong connection.
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If you do find that person just remember to take your time. You are just out of a relationship and to avoid rebound with the new person you need to be careful that you do not make any rash decisions. In the next chapter we will talk about the process of finally reconnecting with your ex once your thirty days of makeovers and dating is over.
The Escalation Process Dating others triggers the escalation process in your ex. The escalation process is a series of increasingly dramatic behaviors your ex will act out in order to get your attention. The process begins when it dawns on your ex that he or she still has feelings for you and that because you have become inaccessible the ex has been denied closure. This puts you and not you’re ex in the “should I call” limbo. It quite simply throws him or her off her game as what you are doing becomes the equivalent of a sensory deprivation tank. As a result, they will begin to re-evaluate everything that he or she stands to lose, because now you are becoming scarce with each second that goes by. In this state of panic, your ex will feel the need to act immediately and it is this sense of urgency which causes them to escalate. Escalating means he or she is finally motivated to act because they feel the pressure because it is apparent that you might be gone for good. This is the point at which you might actually get a call. If this happens and your thirty days is not up do not return the call. Usually this results in additional escalation. It usually goes like this – 65
First you get a phone call and then if you don’t pick up you will get a voicemail. If you don’t receive a response in a day or two your ex will start to wonder if you got the message and try again. When he or she realizes that you are purposely ignoring them, he or she may try attacking or threatening you in order to get a response. Or your ex might try being sweet and flirtatious to get your attention. Desperation starts to kick in and the calls will become more frequent. Usually you can hear emotional panic and strain in your ex’s voice. You might even get a very long email that is an inventory of your character. You can then usually expect your ex to start quizzing your friends about what is going on with you. Or they may fabricate an emergency or crisis so they can get your attention again and you will be forced to see them. The ultimate result of all this is that your ex will be amazed at your ability to walk away. They will be more willing to jump and say “Yes” when you do finally make the call to make the big first date since the break up. This is discussed at length in the next chapter.
Eight Delusions about Your Ex Here are the eight biggest delusions that you might have about not practicing avoidance with your ex. Hopefully the following give you insight into how your emotions may cloud your judgment.
I Don’t Want to Be the Bad Guy
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It’s understandable to feel guilty, especially when you listen to the panicked voicemails your ex will be leaving you as you ignore him or her for thirty days. However, putting them in this state of limbo is a necessary part of the process. If your ex does begin to panic and continues to leave messages, you will usually be able to discern a level of progression towards being angry with you. The person may curse you out, attack you verbally, or tell you that the two of you are over for good. You need to be strong and not take the bait. Your ex is looking for the right button to push so you will phone and end the torture. It is a power struggle and you must not give in.
My Ex Needs My Help Pity is no reason to break your decision to avoid your ex for those thirty days. It can be quite hard especially if you are the male and you see her crying. This is usually when your ex stages a crisis, like a relative in the hospital or car problem so you have to come and help him or her. Please keep in mind, however, that these are not real emergencies. They are staged crises that are being used to elicit a predictable response from you in order to give them the contact that is sought after. Another tactic is for the ex to call you because he or she had a frightening dream or how they can’t eat, sleep or focus on anything without you. It may take all of your will power not to call them back. So don’t fall into any voicemail traps by putting too much stock in your ex’s words, no matter how miserable they sound on the phone.
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Also, while the ex is stewing away, he or she is also rationalizing that they must really care for you. This is where you want their focus to be, not on finding some new mate to replace you.
I Need My Ex Sometimes you sabotage everything by making up your own crisis so you can get your ex back. This is an unconscious mechanism but it can still be catastrophic when it comes to getting your ex back. Some lonely exes will go as far as to crash their cars on purpose to get the attention of an ex. This kind of plan can backfire in your face when your ex makes some kind of lame excuse for not being there emotionally.
We Need to Get Our Stuff You might have lived together or left stuff at each other’s places. In that case that excuse becomes “She wants to come pick up her stuff.” or “I need to go pick up my stuff.” If your ex really wants their stuff back, then have your roommate or a friend drop it off. Make sure that you instruct them that they are not to speak to your ex about anything having to do with you or the breakup. But be forewarned, even if you send someone over to fetch the things you left at the ex’s place, they will probably part with them only on the condition that you pick them up yourself so the two of you can “talk.” Forget about these objects and possessions for now and move on or wait until those thirty days is up!
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My Ex is having Sex with Someone Else “My ex is having sex with someone else and I can still prevent it” is a huge excuse for breaking the thirty days of no contact rule. Remember that if your ex threatens this that it is not usually true. Still if your ex was attractive you can expect all kinds of vultures to swoop in and offer to be the new relationship under the guise of consoling him or her. You need to call this kind of bluff by ignoring him or her. By showing any fear, you are giving the threat of him or her sleeping with someone else a tremendous amount of power. Instead, you need to keep distance between you, no matter how much anxiety they may cause. They are nothing but power tactics, and by disregarding them you are actually taking all the power away from the act of post relationship “infidelity.” Total avoidance is the best insurance you can have against your ex sleeping with someone new. Besides …if it is going to happen, there is nothing you can do about it! In fact, you should automatically assume that your ex will be fooling around with other people and make it a priority to go be with other people too. Otherwise, when you get back together, you will always be thinking in the back of your mind about how your ex one upped you... Pursuing other romantic possibilities is part of this entire relationship game, and you must accept that. When you eventually get back together, your ex will probably avoid mentioning your ex’s flings, which means you’ll never know for sure. This might seem pretty harsh, but it’s usually better for your sanity if you never find out what happened when you were apart.
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Interrogating him or her for information will only lead to misery, so do whatever you have to do to keep yourself under control. Remember that absolute best way to prevent your ex from solidifying a relationship with a rebound guy is to avoid all contact, no matter how difficult it may seem.
If I Wait I Will Lose My Ex for Good The big fear is that if you wait you will lose your ex for good. This is a misconception. You can always get back with your ex no matter how much time has passed provided you did not do something to destroy the attraction during the break up.
I Want to Boast to My Ex Lots of times we want to call our exes and brag about who we are seeing just to see if we can make them jealous. Although it seems like this would work for creating desire it is not a good idea that it comes from you. It is much better that your ex finds out this type of thing from friends. The thing is that this can provoke and shock your ex so much that he or she dresses up, goes to a bar and begins to try and find someone new that very evening. There tends to be less of a reaction if it comes from gossip. Also you look like less of a bragger. Later on when you do meet the ex for the first time after the breakup, if they ask, tell them that although you were dating someone, that he or she was the one that you really wanted to be with all along.
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There is a fine line between making someone jealous enough to chase you or jealous enough to leave so be careful.
All I Have to Do Is Say Sorry A lot of people think that all they have to do is say sorry and the ex will take them back. Too bad it isn’t that easy! Usually your ex will have a litany of reasons for why he or she decided to leave in the first place. After listening to these seemingly valid explanations, you may end up convinced that a heartfelt apology and a promise to change will change their mind. Unfortunately this is not the right place to focus your energy because, as discussed earlier in this book, the reasons he or she is leaving are rarely the real ones. Usually the issues voiced will most likely have no correlation to the actual real reasons for dumping you. No matter what they tell you, the real reason he or she is gone is because you lost their attraction, their respect and their interest. Sometimes an ex will break up with you, or merely threaten to, in order to scare you into changing your behavior. However, deep down the ex doesn’t really want to leave. If this is the case, than an apology and a promise to change might bring her back because that’s what she was after in the first place. However, the “tamed” version of you might not be as attractive in the long run. Of course, an apology is sometimes in order. If you did something like cheat it might be a good idea to express regret. Just don’t agree to apologize for something you did not do.
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CHAPTER 6: EASING BACK INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIP You should not be even contemplating doing anything that this chapter suggested until you have waited the thirty days that it takes to solidify your love. By now you are looking and feeling your best and hopefully your dalliances with other people have helped boost your self esteem.
Check Your Feelings First Everyone is different so no matter what this book suggests you need to check on how you really feel after the thirty days have passed. Some people check their feelings and then find that they do not miss their ex at all and that although they miss him or her they are having a better time without them. However if you do want to still reconnect with your ex then you should be feeling a little stronger, self assured, and ready to have some fun. The distance should have toned down any feelings of panic or desperation that you were feeling after the first few days of the breakup. If you are feeling desperate or needy then you are not ready to start talking to your ex just yet. Your attitude should be that you are ready to move on no matter how it turns out with him or her. This matters because your ex knows you very well. If you truly are desperate he or she will be able to pick up on it and you will become less appealing. The upshot is that you need to wait past the thirty days if you are not in the mode where you feel you could move on if it did not work. Otherwise you are just going to self-sabotage the reunion. 72
If you’ve been properly avoiding them, they will be stressed, confused and anxious for contact. This means that you can now go back in and completely reconstruct the ground rules for your entire relationship. It’s up to you to become aware of your past mistakes and make sure that you don’t fall into the same traps once you are back together with your ex. The good thing about all this is that things can be totally fresh and new and your relationship can be resurrected from the depths of alienation and despair. But more than anything, a major paradigm shift about what’s truly important in a relationship needs to take place in your mind for the reunion to work.
Making First Contact You might think you can fake it but when you have a lot of history with someone it is hard to fake that you don’t care. However that is what you have to do in order to successfully call your ex with the intent of setting up a date. Anticipation anxiety is extremely common all throughout the breakup process and of course taking this step is liable to make anyone nervous. Many people are obsessed on achieving a positive outcome and dreading the disappointment of a complete and total rejection. This is a perfectly normal reaction to the situation at hand. Once again, your body’s stress chemicals are to blame for how nervous you may feel about contacting your ex. You have just experienced a major withdrawal from the emotional states you used to experience with your ex and now you are about to become a love junkie again. No wonder you don’t feel that well! All of a sudden, your body has a chance to get its drug of choice back so it will flood you with adrenaline to make sure you’re prepared to get its favorite narcotic – love for your ex! 73
Once you know you can handle whatever emotional trial comes your way you are ready to contact your ex and hopefully welcome him or her back into your arms. Start with a simple phone call. The object is to get your lover back into your life. This is not a date or a chance to talk. It needs to be seen by your ex as a chance to have some fun and ignite the spark again. If you have done the work then you experience how you have broken the pattern. Your ex will act very friendly and differently than they have in the past. They are not associating their bad feelings with you anymore. Your phone conversations should be short, positive and fun. Think of yourself as a drug that is administered in small, highly concentrated yet carefully measured doses so your ex will be craving your company and want more. If you can prevent yourself from showing anger, jealousy, desperation or neediness, and you make them feel good, than they will naturally start pushing for more time with you. Here are some pointers to making that important first call. • Try and call at a time when you know he or she is not busy. • Focus on fun and don’t bring up any unpleasant memories • Talk about things that are positive that are going on in your life • Bring up a memory about something pleasant that happened and talk about it. • Keep the first phone call pretty short. • Ask your ex to meet you at a specific date or time to do a specific thing. Meeting for coffee or lunch is better than dinner. • While you’re talking to your ex, keep things light and try and reestablish your old comfortable rapport. Once you have that back, don’t waste any time making that date to see him or her. 74
• Try to call a week before you actually want to see him or her as this will give you more time to prepare for the meeting.
If You Get the Voicemail So what should you do if you get the voicemail instead of your ex in person? In these days of caller I.D. it is highly unlikely that your ex won’t know that it is you that called. However you should not leave a message just yet. However you should not call again and again until he or she picks up the phone. This makes you look needy and desperate. Instead call once and then call again in about three days. Just seeing your name on the caller ID may be enough to trigger his or her curiosity. Ideally your ex will see your number on his or her call display and call you. This is preferable to you having to call again. If you call every couple of days for a week with no response, it means it is time to give this all a longer break. No calling more than once a day. If several weeks go by and your ex is not picking up the phone then it is time to let the whole relationship go. Don’t resort to another type of communication such as I.M. or email him or her. You should also not ask your ex to do anything that is too official or uncomfortable such as … • • • •
Meet you just before bedtime Accompany you to a wedding Accompany you to a family dinner Go with you to a company party 75
• Go with you to a movie or the theater where you have to sit beside each other in silence These events are better to attend together once you are a couple again. This is because you are locked into being with each other for a few hours with the above type of occasions and there is no escape if not all goes well. If you are trying to fix up a relationship you need to take it easy. Plan a short and simple activity like meeting for a cup of coffee or a drink. Lunch is not a bad idea. Do something that gives the two of a chance to talk. Something short and simple is best. Something what seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long. This is what you’re shooting for. You are most likely to get a yes for your date if you have planned it all carefully before you make the call.
If You Get a No… If you get a no then you need to make light of it. Just laugh a little and say “It’s only coffee.” Or “It’s only lunch.” Half the time your ex will relent. The other half of the time your ex could say no. If this happens you should resist making things worse by … • • • • •
Begging Getting angry Crying Accusing him or her of cheating on you Launching into an old argument
• Losing your temper in any way. 76
Just gracefully get out of it by accepting the no. Wish your ex well and end the conversation. This also leaves the door open for future communication. If you do not get a call from your ex, it is time to end the relationship. Take care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep begging your ex to see you. This will make them want to spend time with you even less. Nobody wants to be smothered by a needy person. Accept your fate and move on in life. You will live and you will love again and furthermore you have given it your best try. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. And again you will live – and you will love again. Hopefully what you want will happen as planned and you are able to simply arrange a time for your date.
Preparing for the Date You might be feeling quite satisfied about the date happening but don’t stop short now. There are still things you need to do to prepare for your date. First of all make sure that you are relaxed. If you are unable to relax your feelings of neediness may return. Again you want to keep yourself focused on enjoying yourself. Fun should be the focus of the date not working out all of our problems. The more pressure you put on your ex while you are on this date the less likely it will work out as he or she will feel stressed out by your emotional pressure.
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Put Your Best Foot Forward You need to show up on this date looking well and happy. That means putting your best foot forward. Keep a smile on your face and a gleam in your eye. Make sure that you mentally prepare yourself to keep things positive during the date as well.
During the Date When you are actually on the date there are some bad strategies you should avoid, and you might think are a good idea at the time but are actually very lousy ideas. When you see your ex in person, focus on being happy, relaxed and confident. Don’t fall into the trap of chasing her or trying to prove yourself because your attempts will be seen as needy and fueled by an agenda. Here are some definite no - no’s on that first date. • You should avoid upsetting your ex in any way • Avoid spending more than the allotted hour to two hours that you originally planned for the lunch or get together • Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship • Expressing on how hurt and distressed you are • Acting desperate • Trying to seduce your ex • Attempting to make your ex jealous The more you try to force things the more likely it is that you will bring up bad feelings and sabotage the reunion you want.
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And while you don’t want your positivity to come off as contrived by over exaggerating how perfect your life is, you still need to talk about yourself in a favorable light. Remember, everything is great: your job, your friends, and your life – everything!
Keep It Light While you are with your ex just try to relax and have a good time. You are not going to spend that much time together so just relax during the time you have. Try to choose an activity that you both enjoy doing and avoid talking about the relationship very much at first. Just try and adopt the behaviors that made you fall in love in the first place. If you do talk about anything in your history make sure that it is a good memory and not about a fight or anything to do with a break up. No matter how much you are enjoying yourself you must not give in to your desire to draw the whole thing out. Leave when you promised yourself you would as this will make your ex respect you and want you more. If you don’t think you can do this, it helps to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely have to leave. One thing you can do is use strategic complements. Compliments will show your appreciation for your ex’s valuable traits and make him or her feel desired. You must not give in to your desire to talk about your issues or anything bad from the past. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want.
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This is a simple and powerful psychological tactic that will trick your ex’s subconscious into believing that the two of you are back together again. While you are eating or drinking …slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food crumb” wipe, like they have something on their face. This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. Even chimps do this. It is a form of loving grooming that sends an unmistakable message that the two of you are bonded. You are signaling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a relationship. A similar move is called the “tie straightener”. You can simply lean over and straighten the person’s tie. You might also try removing imaginary lint or hair on the person’s shirt or an eyelash from his or her cheek. Lean over and smile gently at your lover while you do this. Make sure you make eye contact. You can also gage how well your get together is going. If they jump out of their skin or pull away then you know that it is not going that great. On the other hand if they smile and thank you then that is positive. A word of warning before practicing this – do wait a little bit of time to see how your get together is going before you attempt any contact. Wait until it seems natural or you could freak out your partner.
Avoid Coercion! Coercion is a form of persuasion that makes people feel forced into something. It is the evil form of simply wooing someone into doing what you want. Coercion is the emotional equivalent of getting people to do your bidding at gunpoint. This is when you use blame, guilt, or shame, to get your ex back. 80
The trouble with this is that it works. Your ex might agree to see you again simply because guilt has kicked in. However this does not work in the long term because it kills the spark of attraction. There is simply no point in doing the “you owe me” routine. Your goal after a break up should be to get the person you love back, not turn them into a whole new person who absolutely hates your guts. Think of a time when you felt forced into making a decision that you were reluctant to make. How did you feel about the situation? More importantly, how did you feel about the person who was using a manipulation strategy? Is this the way you want your ex to feel about you?
Avoid Arguments You must avoid arguments. This is especially important given the fact that arguments frequently happen when two exes come back into contact with each other. The problem is that while you were split up both of you spent a lot of time making a case against each other just like in a court room, only in this case there is no judge or jury. Just two people debating each other endlessly until they get depressed, jaded, and turned off each other! You want to avoid this. You need to forget about dumping any of your emotional baggage on your ex and even if your ex starts bringing up all of the crap from the past you need to be silent. If you feel this is too much to ask, then you need to reevaluate your priorities. Do you want peace and quiet or do you want your ex back. Control, tolerance, and patience are keys here. You need to stay calm and relaxed no matter what she throws at you because reacting to anything your ex says will only create more problems. 81
Restore Your Attainability During this date you need to let your ex know that you are still attainable. You must never crush any hopes of getting back together. This can cause your ex to reject the idea before you can do any rejecting and walk away from the whole thing. Even if you haven’t decided whether or not you want to have your ex back, you should still do whatever it takes to make her or him want you back. You will have plenty of time to make up your mind later on, but you won’t have much of a decision to make if your ex wants nothing to do with you. Speaking of attainability, don’t be surprised if an obvious issue comes up. After all you just completely ignored your ex for three to four weeks straight. Somebody is going to want you to answer to this behavior. The question is “what should you do if your ex continually presses for an explanation as to why you avoided him or her for all this time? Very simply, explain that you weren’t ready to communication because you were feeling very emotional, and you knew that any confrontation would turn into a war. You were sick of you both being dragged down by your disagreements. Tell your ex that the last thing you wanted to do was fight so you distanced yourself until you could get your emotions in check. Say something like --“As much as I wanted to talk to you, I needed to wait until I had a clear head.” Or “I did not mean to upset or confuse you – that wasn’t my intention.” 82
And finally, don’t be afraid to apologize if your ex is really hurt about some of the things you did to them before or after the breakup. Apologizing correctly can do wonders for making your ex want you again.
At the End of the Date If you are having a good time, it is time to end the date. This stimulates the ex’s appetite to see you again. However you should not end the date by scheduling another. Instead just comment on what a nice time you had and then say good bye. However if your ex asks you if you want to see each other again then by all means say yes and schedule something else. It is just important that you are not the initiator of the next date so that you do not seem desperate.
If Trouble Starts There is absolutely no guarantee that trouble will not start up with you and your ex at any given moment. It is very important for you to defuse any problems before they begin, so refuse or avoid discussing any relationship issues. However you cannot censor your ex from talking about his or her problem. Just let them say what they need to say. You do not need to be defensive or engage them in the conversation. If you try to argue with him or her or try to change their mind you are likely to make this date into a miserable experience. 83
Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past. Let’s just have some fun.” Then try to change the subject. Make sure your tone is caring and compassionate yet firm. This technique works most of the time but if your ex is still really upset with you it might not work at all. Upset exes tend to ignore boundaries and sometimes there is nothing you can do to fight it or control it.
Continuing to See Each Other If the first date goes well how should you proceed next? Well first of all you want to take things slowly. You don’t want to rush right back into the relationship. This can bring you full circle back to your issues. In terms of timing you should give it a little break, about a week or so, before you try asking your ex out again. It is also very possible that your ex will call you to set something up. If that happens just go with the flow and make plans. Otherwise you can call about a week after the date and try to set up another date. Use the same method of keeping the conversation light. Also make sure that the date that you plan together is fun and that the two of you can really relax and enjoy time together. The more adventurous you are the better. It helps to put a bit of fun back into your dating life in order to reignite the passion. Roller coaster rides, scary movies, or seeing the fireworks are examples of dates that will be emotional and memorable. This is because the adrenalin that is raised during these exciting dates is similar to what people feel when they feel sexual passion and the will associate these feelings with you.
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It is the psychological benefit of an emotionally charged date that can give you the edge in terms of having your ex link emotionally with you again. You will once again have what is called a “shared adrenaline charged experience.” When two people go through an emotionally charged experience it bonds them together. The idea is to line up several of these dates in a row so that the level of excitement builds. This will help bond your ex further to you.
Getting Sexual Again Notice that you are not using emotional blackmail, coercion, or begging your ex to come back to you. You are just merely taking advantage of an opportunity to bond. The only way bonding happens is unconsciously and through shared experiences. The goal of all of this is so that the two of you may become gratified sexually with each other again. However males see the matter of sex with your ex a little differently than women.
Sex Advice for Men The sooner you have sex with the woman the more bonded that she will be to you. Sex is evidence to the woman that you love her. If you have sex with a woman it is guaranteed that in her mind she will think that you are back together. You might worry that getting her back in bed will be difficult but if you have followed the steps so far it should not be that hard. For one thing women will sleep with someone they have slept with before much easier than they will with a brand new lover. This means that you have an advantage over any strangers that she has been dating.
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It is also a good idea to invite her to your place. Make sure it is clean because your aim is to show her the real you and how tidy you are now that you have improved. You don’t have to ask her directly to have sex with you. All you really need to do is ask her to come home with you. She will get the idea of “what’s next” or “what can happen.” The reason you need to make up some kind of excuse is so that she can exist in a state of what is called plausible deniability. If she tells herself that she is just going to your house to listen to a CD then she can tell herself that she does not have to have sex with you if she does not want to. Sometimes your ex might say “Okay, but don’t get any ideas...” in which case you can respond to her by saying “Whoa, slow down there, I just want to show you some pictures.” If she comes out with a flat out “NO” as a response, that is fine too. Just let her have a little more time to decide what she wants. Don’t push the matter and don’t get emotional. Once she is back at your place, play the CD or whatever you were deciding to do and do not get all emotional. Take it slow and start with a slight touch to her shoulder or hand. Make it almost accidental and see how she reacts. You can start with the “reconnect technique.” If the reactions are positive you can take it forward. If they are not positive then call it a night and “be good” about putting an end to the date.
Sex Advice for Women
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You do not want to sleep with your ex until you have a commitment from him. Keep In mind, that it could be a mistake for you to pressure him into this. In fact it is best if it is his idea. It is okay to make him work for what he wants. That is because men value what is a little bit harder for them to get. Men value what is rare. They commit to a woman that the feel is special and valuable. If you don’t sleep with him right away you can also achieve the following – • • • • •
Create more mystique Make him think about you more Keep his desire for you at a high level Make a faster reconciliation Increase his respect for you
No doubt he will want to know why you refuse to sleep with him. Instead of telling him that you are holding out for a commitment which sounds like emotional blackmail, simply tell him that you are done with casual sex for now.
If It Is Just Not Working … Sometimes despite your best efforts it all goes wrong. No matter how sincere you are about changing you just might end up repeating the same patterns with that person all over again. The message from the universe in this case might just be that it is time to move on again. Or – You can try again. You may want to wait another thirty days and repeat all of the steps from the beginning -87
• • • •
Take a break Take care of yourself Make initial contact again Have another first date
It might also mean that it was too soon for you two to try again. Ultimately it might be time to consider that this relationship might not ever work out. If you feel the old familiar feelings of panic and desperation then it really might be time to move on.
Have the Talk It might be time for you to talk about being together if you have been dating again for a few months. You may actually feel like it’s time to discuss whether or not you really can get back together. Even if the two of you have been acting like you are back together you may need to have an official discussion about it. When you’re ready, ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead in the relationship. It is also essential to keep having fun and also to continue to keep it light. You can also ask questions and test the waters by saying things such as “Don’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about your reconciliation. Once you have asked these questions you can let your ex do the talking. He or she will agree that yes you make a good couple. You may also get the answer that your ex is not interested. If you get a positive response then ask your ex if she wants to get back together.
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Reunited If you get a positive response then you are officially reunited. It was well worth all of the months of planning and preparing. You’re now on the road to a true relationship. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact, there’s still plenty of work to be done on both your parts. Don’t think for one minute that the reasons for your original breakup will be ignored. Take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. Work on how you’re going to keep your love alive.
Actions Matter It is actions that matter and not words. The process of being reunited can be confusing, distressing, elating, and put you in a fog of desire. The same is true of your ex. In the midst of this type of relationship game, morality and decency can get pushed aside, so expect others to resort to dirty tactics to help get what they want. This is why you need to always second guess your knee jerk responses and try to understand the deeper motives behind the behavior of your ex. Remember that when you first get back together your ex might promise you the moon. However if you are not being promised the moon then you could have a problem.
How to Troubleshoot! 89
Sometimes things don’t go exactly as planned. Here are ways to troubleshoot these types of circumstances should they happen.
The Ex Ambushes You! This is the situation where the ex comes to your house, shows up at your job or starts harassing your friends or family for answers. A good rule of thumb to follow here is simply ask our friends and family not be involved in your affairs or talk about the situation in any way. Don’t let an ex use your friend as a liaison. If your ex doesn’t calm down and continues to act in a hostile manner, explain that you refuse to talk to them until they are calm. If this doesn’t work, then you need to walk away.
The Ex Becomes Too Heavy Sometimes an ex will press for the relationship too soon after first contact has been made and try to make you feel like you owe him or her because you were so hurtful. If this happens, let your ex do all of the talking because he or she needs to get rid of some emotions. Just let them talk it all out. Don’t be angry or defensive no matter how hurtful some of the things that are being said. Even if you don’t agree with her or him, just look like you do. You are demonstrating that you understand them and that will cause the anxiety and hostility to collapse of its own weight.
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It is also important to show that you are open by having relaxed facial expressions and body language. Be warm and keep your voice warm and reassuring. This will help prevent a fight happening. This does not mean you have to agree with him or her. But if you do feel like it – apologize. Do so without rewarding any bad behavior she is displaying.
Your Ex Does Not Escalate Earlier on in this book we talk about how your ex will start to panic if they cannot get hold of you and this is called escalation. If the desire to see you does not seem to be there then it can mean he or she is still angry at you or that you have started seeing someone else. Don’t panic. Give it another week and then attempt to contact your ex. If there is still no response, then move on. Do not hassle the person with calls. If you do find out that your ex is with someone new you may need to just accept the situation. Realize too that this might be a rebound relationship and that there is still hope for you.
Your Ex Won’t Meet In Person Sometimes your ex will not do anything more than talk to you on the phone. There are two main reasons for this. The first is that he or she is nervous and wants to wait a bit, or is waiting to get advice from someone else before they proceed. There is a third possibility and that is that he or she does not want to get back together with you but is afraid to tell you.
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If this happens, give it a week or so between calls to see if he or she will suddenly make that decision to see you. It is worth hanging in there as sometimes it is just mind games – retaliation for making him or her wait if they called during the thirty day avoidance period. Your ex may be showing you how much that treatment hurt.
You Can’t Control Yourself Sometimes no matter what you do, you just cannot put yourself in the right state of mind to be with your ex. Sometimes things just go too far south for the relationship to be mended. This is especially true if there was an addiction, mental illness, or a crime that somehow involved in your relationship. In this sort of scenario you may have pains and subconscious triggers you are not even aware of. You may be ashamed of the way this person makes you feel and behave and choose instead to move onto a new relationship. Your ego may be so involved that the relationship is nothing but an endless series of battles. You may be aware that despite your rational intentions, your heart may be hell bent on revenge. If you cheated on someone you may just be going through all of this because you feel guilty. You may have done something substantially wrong like physically hurt the other person because of an anger problem or addiction. The bottom line – you will only frustrate yourself if you force yourself to have a relationship when you are not ready.
Time to Move On
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If after months of courting and working on yourself you still are not being called or encouraged by your ex then it might be time for you to call it quits. Just cut your loss as fighting this type of relentless rejection is pointless. Sometimes you have to allow other people to say “no” to you and get on with your life. However if you have decided together that you want to continue with the relationship then it is time for you to move ahead and enjoy the suggestions in the next two chapters.
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CHAPTER 7: RELATIONSHIP MAINTENANCE Congratulations. Now you are back together with your ex, you might be tempted to slack off a bit don’t do it! Slacking off now could undo all of your hard work so far. Remember what led you to the breakup in the first place? Those are the things that you need to avoid as you get back with your ex.
Find the Fun Whatever you do don’t get back into the old routines that are so boring and stale. You may also be tempted to get back into the old patterns that put you onto the path of bickering and derision. Most of all you should avoid not taking care of yourself. Don’t slouch around in sweatshirts and sweatpants. You need to stay attractive to keep the romance alive. Keep flirting, keep communicating and keeping doing things that are fun. Of course you need to be able to relax in your relationship, but you also have made the commitment to keep working on it in order to keep the romance alive.
Keep Dating Each Other Dating each other worked well during the reconciliation process so why not continue doing it. Set aside a weekly date to keep the romance fresh. You can do this even if you are living together. Dinner and a movie are always nice, but you also need to have adventures.
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One way for this, is to keep trying things that you have never done before, such as• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
His and her massages His and her pedicures Bungee jumping Rock climbing Riding on a bicycle built for two Paintball Laser tag Miniature golf Roller skating Ice skating Canoeing Playing video games Sharing a bubble bath Wine tasting Go antique hunting in the country Go on a picnic Go house hunting or visiting your dream condo Go bowling Have a picnic Enjoy a day at the zoo
This list is not at all complete, but don’t be afraid to let your imagination find even more little romantic ways to have fun. Giving your relationship variety is a great way to keep the spark fresh and new. If you feel like your relationship is headed back into a rut, you must get out of it as quickly as possible. Couples who play together and have fun have a better chance of being successful in the long run.
Keeping Life Fun 95
There are many things you can do on a daily basis that will help keep fun and romance part of your life as a couple. For example – • • • • • • •
Leave a rose on his or her pillow Leave little love notes for your lover to find in unexpected place Have a picnic in bed Have a romantic dinner Rent a romantic movie Make your significant other a mix CD of favorite songs Read aloud to your love from a favorite book
Be Affectionate Every day take time for each other. Look into each other’s eyes. Even if you just focus on your lover for 15 minutes each day you’ll be doing better than many people. Take that time to find out how their day went and share your own day. Don’t forget to be physically affectionate with each other and bestow many hugs, kisses and massages. These little touches can really bring you closer together as a couple. They don’t take a lot of time and it helps to build intimacy.
Letting Go of the Past You can make this relationship last by letting go of the old resentments. Try not to ever bring them up. Try to look at every day as if it were a new day. There is a tendency to bring up every hurtful thing that has ever happened with some people and that can turn your lover right off. 96
This does not mean that you cannot express yourself when you are upset. Make an effort to let your feelings be known but do not go on the attack or your partner you become defensive or even leave the relationship. Let go of the things that caused you to break up in the first place. There’s no need to go over old arguments again and again. The same technique you used in the early communication phase of your reconciliation will continue to be valuable. Listen to what your partner has to say. Be accountable for your part in any wrongdoing. Apologize and then let it go.
Live and Let Live When you first reunite, you may have the desire to spend every waking moment with him or her. Remember that a little bit of space can go a long way. Make sure that you give your partner some time away from you so they can miss you. Remember too that you don't have to be in agreement about every single little thing. Be secure enough in your relationship that you can pursue your own interests and friends. Breathe a little instead of smothering each other so that the flame of passion goes completely out.
Handling Disagreements Just because you are in love does not mean that you have to agree about every single little thing. 97
The key is to agree to disagree. Arguments are the result of a disagreement. There are some grounds rules that you can follow that can prevent you from having knock down drag out fights. First of all you need to – Own your feelings. Say – “I feel” rather than accusing your partner. Try to figure out what you are really angry about and don’t argue about things that are not really the problem. Determine if you are even angry at your partner. Maybe there’s another reason that you’re angry. For example, are you sick, stressed at work, or so tired that you are snappy and irritable? Is your partner snappy and irritable for the same reasons? Is the fight even necessary? When you begin to talk about an issue that could cause an argument, make sure it is really worth it. Sometimes you need to pick your battles and let things go. Avoid attacking your partner personally. You may not like a behavior, but don’t accuse him or her of being a bad person. Don’t make judgments. Keep your sense of humor. Humor can prevent arguments from exploding and getting out of control. Don’t let problems drag on. Deal with them immediately. It’s perfectly normal and okay to have disagreements from time to time. But you can avoid having major fights if you work to really discuss your feelings. Don’t let it snowball until you’re so angry you don’t even remember why.
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Practice Forgiveness Forgiveness and tolerance are key in any relationship. You need to be able to forgive your partner and yourself before you can really make it work. Many individuals say that you must wait until your feelings have improved before you can forgive anyone. However the truth is you can forgive anyone at any time. There is no wrong or right way to forgive people but there are some general tips you can follow. First you need to be specific about what it is that you need to be forgiving about. Vague feelings of hatred just don’t cut it when it comes to facilitating tolerance and peace. Make sure you can name exactly what it is that you are mad about. Ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? It may help to write down your feelings or talk with a close friend or family member about them. Make the deliberate decision to let go of your anger. While someone else may have hurt you, how you react to it is your own responsibility. Talk to your partner about how you feel but keep it in the realm of framing it as being about a feeling. It helps to be heard. For example, “When you cheated on me I felt very hurt.” Framing what you say as coming from a place of feeling is much better them framing it in an accusatory tone that makes your partner responsible for how you feel. Let your partner know that you forgive them. If you’ve done anything wrong to contribute to the problem, ask for forgiveness so you both can let it go, move on and be light hearted and happy. Accept the fact that your partner may not be as ready to forgive as you are. Give them time to think about things. 99
In order for you to forgive, the guilty party does not need to ask you forgiveness. Sometimes just saying what you have to say helps you identify your feelings so you can let them go. You’ve probably heard the old adage that you should “forgive and forget.” In most cases that is really true. Forgetting, though, is much harder than forgiving. We have a memory for a reason. It keeps us from making the same mistakes over and over again. If you want your relationship to survive you might want to develop a bit of a selective memory. However as good as “letting go” feels, it’s not always a good idea to completely forget. If they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, note this pattern and learn from it. If you insist on going over and over old arguments all of the time you will simply open up old wounds. Resist the temptation to compound hurt feelings and your reunion has a much better chance of surviving any rough patches.
Dealing with Social Fallout When you get back together with an old flame, you are going to be subjected to all kinds of different opinions from everyone from your best friend to your mom. This is a situation in which you may have to set boundaries and not let them get too involved in your relationship. Make sure that you set boundaries with the people outside of your relationship and let them know that it’s not their place to make life decisions for you. It’s fine to listen to their opinions and advice, but let them know that you make your own romantic choices.
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Ask family members and friends to accept your ex back into their lives and let go of any hard feelings that they may have. Family and friends can really make relationship problematic if you don’t set proper boundaries.
Enjoy the Honeymoon Period It’s thrilling to have your love back. Enjoy this time and have fun together. However don’t forget that enduring relationships require real commitment and effort – even when two people are highly compatible. Remember that in some ways your relationship is always going to be combustible. Try to make every day as fun and friendly as possible.
Be Realistic Being realistic about your relationships can mean seeing your partner as a human, fallible and as someone who makes big mistakes sometimes. It’s possible that you desired to reconcile so badly that you forgot that your partnership had big issues. In fact after all this effort you could possible find out that getting back together was a mistake. If you get to the point that you feel the relationship can’t be saved, it’s okay to end things again but for good. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and make better choices the next time.
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CHAPTER 8: WHEN IT CAN’T BE SAVED Sometimes life does not work out how you want it to. You may have really wanted to rekindle your relationship with your ex, but it’s not the right time or the right person for you. All along after a breakup you should have been assuming the attitude that you were moving on, just in case it actually happened. Still nobody is really prepared for heartbreak. Good thing can come out of a break up and in particular the lasting lifestyle changes that make you into a better person.
Keep the Life Style Changes If you followed the advice in this book chapter by chapter then you made needed lifestyle changes. Just because your ex did not come back does not mean you need to let them go. By now you are eating better, exercising, and taking care of your looks. This will assist you in your healing and it would be a great big mistake to go back to your old ways. Keep making these things a part of your life. A good health and fitness regime will do wonders for you. Taking care of your body can have huge effects on your mental health. It will also: • Improve your appearance 103
• Improve self esteem and confidence • Make you feel fit and sexy • Make you appear young.
Keep Dating You first learned how to date when you went on your thirty day respite from your ex, and there is no reason to stop now. The more people you meet, the more opportunities you’ll have to find another relationship that will be fulfilling. As discussed earlier in this book, great places to meet new singles are -• • • • •
Singles groups Through mutual friends Internet dating websites Sporting and other hobby clubs Dating services
Don’t retreat because you feel upset about your ex. Isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do. You won’t meet somebody sitting around, watching television, and feeling sorry for yourself.
Leave Your Ex Alone When a relationship is really over you need to find the discipline not to contact him or her. This only opens old wounds and make things painful. You need to resist the impulse to call him or her. Use all the self-control you have to leave your ex alone to live his or her life. Then you’ll be free to do the same. 104
Avoiding a Rebound Relationship If you were not able to save this relationship, then you may feel the need to jump right into another one. This can be a desperate act to try and ease the pain of how you feel about your break up. By all means you can enjoy dating and meeting new people. However give yourself a few months before you jump fully into another relationship. Allow yourself to grieve and accept the way things are before you find someone new to settle down with.
Loving Being Alone Loving being alone means that you love and respect yourself. You need to be a whole person and be sure that you can live without someone else. Then when somebody else comes along you can have a good healthy relationship instead of a codependency. There are a lot of benefits to being single for a while: • • • • •
You can travel to places you’ve always wanted to see You can learn a new hobby You can choose to live wherever you’d like You can spend your free time however you like You can focus on your career and get ahead
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These are just a few of the good things that come from being on your own. When you learn to love yourself and function on your own, you can really bring so much more to the next relationship.
Learn From Your Mistakes There are two people in every relationship. Even if your relationship ended because one of you cheated, the other person has to usually be accountable too for why that happened. And if the story is that you were with someone who is a sex addict then you need to be accountable for that as well. Usually it is incompatibility that splits two people apart. You can admire people who are not compatible with you from afar. Maybe you didn’t have the same interests. Maybe your family or religious values were different. It’s possible that you just didn’t have much to talk about. Then again, you could have found that you weren’t really attracted to one another. Spend some time analyzing what went wrong. Then make sure that as you search out new relationships you don’t make the same mistakes.
Put Off Major Life Decisions After a breakup people often try to make drastic changes in their life. You may start looking for a new job in a faraway place, buy a new car – they do what they can to change from being that person who was rejected by their love. Give yourself at least three months before you make major decisions. 106
It’s Okay to Grieve After a break up that seems permanent it is okay to be sad. Give yourself the time to mourn the person. Having a relationship end is really a life-defining and often experience. It can be hard to say goodbye. Don’t be ashamed if you feel bad about it. It is very common for people to go through the stages of grief: 1. Denial that your relationship is over 2. Anger about the end of the relationship 3. Bargaining – for example, “If I could just lose 20 pounds, maybe it will work.” 4. Depression 5. Acceptance that it is over that provides you with the ability to move on Do not dwell on the tragedy as this will only fill your mind with grief, regret and depression. It’s normal to have these feelings – and it’s even good. If you don’t grieve the relationship now, you may have to deal with dammed up feelings later that could affect a new relationship.
Time Will Heal You One thing is for sure. Time does heal a broken heart. You may feel like you will never ever get over this, but in time you’ll be okay. Things always do get better. They just do. The cliché of what goes up must come down is absolutely true.
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If you’ve had several serious relationships in the past, you need only look back over your own life to see that you eventually were able to pick up the pieces and move on. If this is your first major breakup, you’ll have to trust the other people in your life that are all telling you that you will heal and not be self-indulgent or selfdestructive. A broken heart is really painful – there’s no doubt about it. But you get a little stronger every time you have a broken heart and heal. You are guaranteed to come out of lost love a better person than ever before. A good thing to do is look at it philosophically... What did you learn? How did you grow? When you can have gratitude for the changes you’ve undergone, you’ll be better for it. Moving on after a relationship is over, is one of the hardest things to do in life, but you’ll be able to do it with grace if you take care of yourself and keep your head held high. Remember that in order to find somebody new to love you first have to learn how to love you!
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