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Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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The 5 Breakup Types Legal Stuff The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall Datsusara Media LLC or the authors of this book be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book. The information in this book is intended as an informative guide only, and does not guarantee the successful resolution of your relationship problems. By reading or applying the information in the book, you recognize that you are responsible for your own behavior, and none of this book is to be considered legal, professional, or personal advice for you. All rights reserved. Copyright © 2014 Clay Andrews, Mika Maddela & Datsusara Media LLC Originally published June 2014 No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from the author.


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Who Am I and Why Should You Listen to Me? There are is no shortage of books on dating and relationships. So, what makes this one different? Well, this book is written by someone who has been a professional breakup coach since 2009. My name is Clay and I’ve been through the challenges you may be going through right now with your breakup. After a 7-year relationship came crumbling apart, he had to learn all the tricks to saving my own relationship the hard way. I did get back together with my ex (though the relationship didn’t end up working out for other reasons—ultimately she wanted different things out of life than I did), and this whole process started me on a personal quest to finally master breakups and relationships. relationships. I started writing a small website on breakups back in 2009, shortly after finding my own slice of relationship bliss with my then-girlfriend (and now wife) Mika. It was my way of giving back and helping anyone else out there going through the struggles that I went through. Mika soon joined me in helping people online since she had gone through a series of relationship challenges challenges herself prior to meeting Clay. And together we’ve been helping people come back together and heal their relationships ever since. We’re not psychologists who have spent years in an ivory tower studying lab rats running through mazes, nor are we generalized “relationship experts” who help people with dating one day, divorces the next, and online dating the day after.


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To put it plain and simple: we help people with their breakup. That’s it. And because of that focus, we’re very good at what we do. Day in and day out, since 2009, we’ve been in the trenches helping people get back together with their exes. We have case studies of people saving relationships from seemingly impossible situations. We’ve helped people win back love from thousands of miles away, we’ve helped people get their ex back even after that person moved on and started dating someone else, we’ve helped people whose ex had completely shut them out open up a new doorway into their ex’s heart. Now, I’m not saying this to brag. I just want you to feel confident knowing that what I’m about to share with you is: 1. Based Based on real-worl real-world d experi experience ence,, not not academ academic ic theor theories ies that “should work” 2. Based Based on our our specifi specific c and focused focused speci specialty alty of helpin helping g people people with with breakups You won’t just be given a random grab bag of “100 ways to get your ex back.” I know you don’t want 100 ways to get your ex back. You want ONE way way to get your ex back. One way that works for for your specific situation. If that sounds like you, keep reading…


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A Custom-Made Plan for Your Breakup Every relationship is unique. No two people are the same, and no love is the same. So, then why do so many so-called “relationship experts” treat all breakups the same? You and I both know that, just as every relationship is unique, so is every breakup. In the next few pages, I’m going to explain to you the 5 different breakup types. With this information, you can understand what you’re going through better so that you will be better equipped to get your ex back by addressing the specific things you need to in order to save your relationship based on your breakup type. Plus, I’m going to tell you why your relationship failed for each breakup type, and the steps you need to take to heal the rift. I’ll also be sharing real case studies with you and explaining why each of the people in the case study was able to succeed as saving their relationship. Now, it might be obvious to some people why their relationship didn’t work out. But for others, it might not be so clear. Sometimes you can see a breakup coming from a mile away. You know you’ve been having relationship problems, and you may have felt like you were just waiting for the penny to drop. Other times, a breakup can come out of the blue. You come home from work to find that your partner is gone… along with all of their possessions. No explanation or anything. As you read through this book, understand that there may be some overlap between the different breakup types for you and your situation. That’s completely normal. Even as you read the case


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studies, you may notice that many of them could actually bridge a few different types. That’s okay. Most things in life aren’t black-and-white, and chances are, you breakup isn’t either. That’s why I’m going to encourage you to read the entire book even if it doesn’t seem like a certain “type” applies to you and your relationship. You’ll learn a lot either way. I also want to make sure that you to read the final chapter “ Next Steps for Getting Your Ex Back. ” This will help you tie everything together. Plus, you’ll get specific action steps to get more help saving your relationship from us. Okay, so let’s get into this. The 5 Breakup Types are:

• • • • •

The Rebound The Toxic Toxic Blowup The Static Cling The Blindside Breakup The Relationship Fizzle

Now, like I said earlier, I’d recommend that you read the chapters on each of these, even if it doesn’t seem that a certain “Breakup Type” applies to you. You can probably learn something from all of them. Plus, I will often reference points I made in other chapters to avoid being overly redundant. So, without further ado, let’s start looking at each of these types in detail. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Breakup Type Type 1: The Rebound One of the most painful breakups of all time is when you find out that your partner left you to be with someone else. This is the Rebound Breakup. Whether there was infidelity involved or not, the emotions of feeling that someone was betraying your love is excruciating. You lay awake at night, thinking about your ex having an intimate moment with someone else, calling that new person the pet names that they use to call you…it hurts. If it’s any comfort to you, I want you to know that I’ve been there. Every time my ex left me in the past it was to be with another guy. Whether it was a guy she had a crush on and was just innocently “hanging out” with him… or a guy she decided to flat-out cheat on me with, I’ve been there myself. Thankfully, I understand relationships a lot better now. So what’s going on here? Well, when someone leaves you for someone else, it indicates that there were deeper problems in the relationship before things really really fell apart. If someone is truly 100% satisfied with their relationship and in love with you, then there is no one that can pull them away from that relationship. It just can’t be done. Here’s what usually happens when you get left for someone else: Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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It starts when the relationship isn’t getting all of your partner’s partner ’s needs met. It could be anything. Maybe they don’t feel emotionally connected connected to you; maybe they don’t feel like you respect them. It could be anything. But there’s a hole somewhere. And your partner doesn’t leave the relationship. This could also be for any number of reasons. Maybe they don’t feel confident in being single; maybe they want to try to work things out with you; maybe they just don’t even even realize how how dissatisfied dissatisfied they are. So they decide to stick it out. But then, someone else comes along. This new person brings a different energy to your partner. They offer them something that is missing in their relationship with you. Maybe your partner doesn’t even realize what’s happening at first. It could start as a simple friendship. Then it develops into a crush. Your partner thinks its no big deal because they’re not going to act on their feelings… and besides it just feels so good to interact with this other person that they can’t say “no.” Then it becomes an emotional affair. Your partner starts becoming more emotionally intimate with this person. They share things with them that they won’t share with you. They start keeping secrets. The sexual tension between them builds. There’s still that voice in the back of their head saying that this is all just fun and that there isn’t anything serious going on. Then, one day, something happens. Someone lets their feelings slip over a happy hour cocktail. An accidental caress. A kiss. Once one person steps over the line, there’s no going back. That’s when things get physical and things get serious. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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And that’s also usually when they leave you for the other person. The feelings are clear and they no longer feel that they need to hide them or hold on to you any longer. Being with them feels so good because it satisfies a need that they couldn’t get met from the relationship with you, that they can hardly control their feelings. It hurts. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Like I told you earlier, I know how painful this can be. I just need you to understand exactly how these things usually unfold so you can better approach the situation. The Solution to the Rebound Breakup:

So here’s what you need to do to get your ex back from someone else: First, you need to look at your relationship and why it didn’t work. For me, in the past with my ex, it was because I was emotionally unavailable. I won’t go into it right now, but based on the way I was raised, I didn’t really have much access to my feelings until I was in my mid-twenties. Chances are you already know why your relationship didn’t work. However, if you can’t seem to figure it out, that should be your number one priority. You can probably go off of what your ex told you when the two of you broke up. You may need to read between the lines a bit (read over the other breakup types in this book), but your ex will probably try to vocalize why they left you using the best words they have to describe what they are experiencing. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Keep in mind that what they tell you may not be what ACTUALLY happened. Again, they are just using the best words that they have to describe it at the time. You may need to feel into the situation a bit to know what the real cause was. Next, you need to master the relational skills you need to overcome this problem. For example, if you were emotionally unavailable, like I was, you should start by getting in touch with your emotions more. If your ex didn’t feel respected, then you need to learn ways of showing your appreciations and gratitude more. I know we’re skimming over the surface here. We’ll get into HOW to to do this later. Right now, I just want you to get the broad strokes solution in your mind. Then the third thing you need to do is to demonstrate this change to your ex. And that is is. Now you might be thinking: “What about the other person?” This is a common concern that people have when their ex left them for someone else. However, your focus should NOT be on the other person. As I will explain to you, they really shouldn’t concern you at all. And here’s why: There’s a book called Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely. It’s a very interesting book about human psychology and behavior. In the very Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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first chapter he explains an interesting test he did involving sales of The Economist . (Try not to zone out here, this will all make sense in a moment…) When someone was getting a subscription to The Economist online, online, they were given 3 options. • An onl onlin ine e only only sub subsc scri ript ptio ion n for for $59 $59 • A prin printt only only sub subsc scri ript ptio ion n for for $125 $125 • A print print and and online online subscr subscript iption ion for $125 $125 He tested some students and found that the “print only” subscription was a decoy option used to increase sales of the “print and online” option. When testing his students he found these results: • 16% of of studen students ts chose chose the the “onli “online ne only” only” opti option on for for $59 • 0% of of studen students ts chose chose the “print “print only” only” option option for $125 $125 [The Decoy] • 84% of stude students nts chose chose the the “print “print and online” online” option option for $125 When he removed the “print only” decoy option and tested again this is what he found: • 68% of of studen students ts chose chose the the “onli “online ne only” only” opti option on for for $59 • 32% of stude students nts chose chose the the “print “print and online” online” option option for $125 The “print only” option was a decoy option. It didn’t exist to get people to actually buy it. It exists to get people to buy the “print and online” option. This happens because people have a difficult time comparing very different things to one another. However, people are good at comparing similar things. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Is the “online only” subscription a better deal? Is the “print and online” subscription subscription better? It’s hard to tell. But one thing is clear: The “print and online” subscription subscription for $125 is definitely better than the “print only” subscription for $125. Here’s how this relates to you and your ex:

Ariely went on to observe this same effect in a variety of other social settings… including including how we judge if we want someone as a partner or not. I won’t explain the whole chapter here, but the same “decoy effect” is why you don’t need to worry about the other person your ex is seeing. Essentially this is the set of options your ex is being presented with: • Their ne new partner • The versio version n of you they they brok broke e up up with with [the [the decoy] • The vers version ion of of you that that feel feels s good good to be arou around nd (beca (because use you’ve mastered a new set of advanced relational skills) Is the new you better than their new partner? Is their new partner better than you? It’s hard to evaluate. But one thing is clear: The new you is definitely better than the old you [the decoy]. And just like like how the people in the test group chose the “print and online” subscription over the “online only” subscription because of the presence of the decoy “print only” option… Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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The odds are in your favor that your ex will likely choose the new you over their new partner because of their memory of the old you they broke up with. It’s an effect that I’ve observed in breakups and getting back together many times. The key then is to make a new you that your ex feels good being around. And the best way to do that, in my opinion, is to master a new set of relational skills. More on that later… Case Study: Evan

Evan is a high-achieving entrepreneur and he was dating a model (!) for five years. Evan was under a lot of stress from his business and this made him into a bit of an emotionally unavailable workaholic. Seemingly out of the blue, his girlfriend left him for a co-worker. She said that Evan was always working and wasn’t emotionally there for her. Her co-worker, on the other hand, wasn’t successful the way Evan was, but he was emotionally emotionally available. This whole ordeal devastated Evan. He ended up doing a lot of personal work on himself. He did a Vipassana Vipassana meditation retreat, read a ton of books, and signing up to work with Mika (my wife) and I. Through our time working with Evan, we saw him truly transform. Over a few short weeks, that crunchy emotionally unavailable shell started to crumble, and we soon found a caring and gentle man on the other side. Additionally, Even cut back on the hours he worked on his business, using productivity principles to focus on the most important tasks each day. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Once he was armed with some of the advanced relational skills we taught him, Even got back in contact with his ex. After trading some text messages and meeting in person a few times, his ex did what seemed unbelievable a few short months earlier… She left her new boyfriend. This was the “decoy effect” at work here. To his ex, the new Evan was much better than the old Evan. The old Evan was the decoy that that got her to choose to be with Evan over the other guy. Now, at this point, Evan insisted that they spend some time getting to know each other again and taking things slowly before they get back together. After all, he didn’t want to rush things and risk falling back into old habits. And things continued to go well between the two of them. Then one day, Evan got a text message from her flat-out asking him: “ Can we get back together again? ” Right now they are taking things slow and feeling out where things will go. I don’t know what the future has in store for them, but Evan was able to recover from the Rebound Breakup by focusing on improving his relational skills and leveraging the “decoy effect.” Why What Evan Did Worked:

Evan’s ex wanted to get back together with him because he was able to overcome the image she had of him in her mind… the person that she left when she broke up with him in the first place. He was able to replace that image with a new version of Evan. He still had all of the qualities that she liked in him from the beginning. The only difference was that he was no longer emotionally unavailable. He directly overcame the main objection she had for not wanting to be with him. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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He was able to do this by learning new skills that allowed him to relate with his ex in a new way that allowed him to connect emotionally with her. And when that happened. All that was left was the inevitable outcome: outcome: she wanted to be with him again. Why? Because interacting with him felt good instead of bad. The other guy wasn’t even a consideration consideration because of the “decoy effect” that we talked about earlier. Would this strategy have worked if Evan hadn’t taken the time to change and learn the advanced relational skills we taught him? I can’t say, but I do feel comfortable saying that odds were a lot better because he put in the time to focus on learning these skills and focusing on having positive interactions with his ex.


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Breakup Type 2: The Toxic Blowup Things seemed to be going fine, until tensions got heated. Someone said something, or something got out of hand. That’s when the breakup officially happens. Someone gets mad. Things escalated. And someone went over the line and pushed the “eject” button. That’s the Toxic Blowup Breakup. Believe it or not, your “final fight” was not what caused the demise of your relationship. Chances are good that your relationship was in some trouble before that last big fight or dramatic event. If you really think about it, you can probably pinpoint a few problems that you had in your relationship beforehand. Maybe you didn’t realize that they were a very big deal, but you can probably think of a few problems in your relationship. relationship. Those problems are likely the actual cause of the breakup. The truth is that the argument or event where your ex actually broke up with you was merely the moment when the final straw broke the camel’s back. Your ex didn’t really break up with you because you forgot to do the dishes, because you were a few minutes late to meet them, or because of any other little thing that happened between the two of you. Instead, those events were just the innocent bystanders that pushed your ex over the edge and opened the floodgates that brought on the breakup. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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The actual cause of your breakup lies much deeper than what it may seem on the surface. The Solution to the Toxic Blowup

Since the cause of the breakup is deeper than the individual fight or event that happened right before the breakup, we need to look deeper. Like I mentioned earlier, there were probably problems in your relationship beforehand. It’s likely that the breakup was triggered by those problems. Oftentimes, I’ve found that these problems are a chronic issue in the relationship, relationship, slowly grating away at it. The solution, then, is to address the chronic problem in the relationship directly, whether that was a lack of trust, insecurity, or anything else. When the chronic problem is eliminated, and your ex can see that things are going to be different, then the possibility of getting back together increases significantly. The key point there is that your ex needs to really see that things are going to be different. It’s not enough to just tell them that things are different. You need to be able to demonstrate this through your actions on a consistent basis. After all, as one of my favorite Romans, Seneca, said: “ Men put more faith in their eyes than in their ears .”


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He is essentially saying that people need to see things for themselves in order to believe them, not just hear talk about them. And the same is true when it comes to showing your ex that you’ve changed. You have to show your your ex you’ve changed, not just tell them them you’ve changed. When you do this, your ex will start to realize that they won’t just be walking back into the same relationship they left in the first place. So, what steps can you take to show your ex that things are going to be different? Well, it really depends on the chronic issue that slowly eroded your relationship. However, most relationship problems come from: • A lack lack of unde unders rsta tand ndin ing, g, or • A lac lack k of commun communica icatin ting g our feeli feelings ngs and and inten intentio tions ns The best way to overcome this sort of problem is to develop a new set of advanced relational skills. These skills are intended to help communicate your feelings and intentions with your ex better so that there will be fewer misunderstandings between the two of you. Once you can do this, it’s not uncommon for people to soon see that the differences they thought were there between them are actually similarities. similarities. Both people just want to feel loved and accepted for who they are. Let me demonstrate this with a client named Stephen. Case Study: Stephen

When we first met Stephen, he had recently gone through a breakup with his long distance girlfriend. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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She broke up with him after he left a jealous comment on her Facebook wall. Things got heated over the comment, and before Stephen knew it, she had broken up with him. Of course the real cause of the breakup wasn’t because he left a comment on her Facebook wall. The problem ran much deeper. Stephen’s girlfriend had always feared abandonment. She had a difficult family situation growing up. She had been taken advantage of by her first husband. She was afraid that the men in her life would never want to commit to her. And because she and Stephen were in a long distance relationship, relationship, she was afraid that he wasn’t serious about their relationship either. She feared that Stephen was just stringing her along and no intention of living together with her or committing to her in the future. It was really this that caused the breakup. The Facebook incident was just the excuse excuse that made made it happen. With our help, Stephen was able to show his ex that he was in fact very committed to her, even when things seemed impossible for him. Shortly after breaking up with him, his ex girlfriend got together with another man. Of course this was a painful blow to Stephen. However, through his actions, he was able to show his ex that he was 100% committed to her. We worked with Stephen to teach him new skills to express how he felt clearly to her and what he wanted himself out of the relationship (truth be told, he really wanted to settle down with his ex). Then during a trip to her part of the world, he met up with her. He was able to show her how committed he was by befriending her family, sharing his feelings (in an appropriate way) with her, and painting a picture of a future they could share together. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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These were all things that the other guy his ex was seeing wasn’t doing at all (See the previous chapter on the Rebound Breakup and the “decoy effect”). And it became clear to Stephen’s ex that Stephen really was the committed man she wanted. The two of them got back together, and as of the last time we spoke to him, they were making plans to move in together and get married in the near future. Why What Stephen Did Worked

Stephen’s approach worked because he was willing to directly address the reason why his ex left him: she didn’t believe that he was committed to her. It didn’t matter that the breakup was initiated by a frivolous spat based on a Facebook post. Stephen was able to see beyond that and understand why the breakup really happened. Once he understood, he moved on to show his ex that he really is the committed man she wanted. This was initially very difficult since his ex got into a rebound relationship with someone else shortly after the breakup. She insisted that they were happy together and that Stephen should give up. Stephen’s persistence was one of his consistent behaviors that showed his ex how committed he truly was. When his ex compared her new boyfriend to Stephen it was clear Stephen was the winner. Stephen came to visit her, while her new boyfriend didn’t. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Stephen took the time to get to know her family while her new boyfriend didn’t. Stephen painted a picture of a life together with her, while her new boyfriend didn’t. And the most important thing was that Stephen was 100% transparent and open about his feelings and emotions the entire time based on his application of the advanced relational skills we taught him. Every step of the way, Stephen demonstrated how committed he was to this woman and the relationship. He didn’t just talk about being committed, he showed her with clear and unmistakeable actions that he wanted the same things that she did: commitment. It’s no wonder that the two of them got back together. And it’s no wonder that Stephen is following through on that commitment by getting married to the woman he used to call his ex in the near future. I also want to express how Stephen was able to do this even though he was in a long distance relationship. I’ve seen many people over the years express a feeling of helplessness because of the distance between them and their ex. Stephen didn’t let that hold him back. He still showed commitment and persistence despite being thousands of miles away. away.


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Breakup Type Type 3: The Static Cling If your ex told you that you were “too clingy” or “too needy” when they broke up with you, this chapter will help shed some light on what is really going on, and what you can do to start healing the rift between the two of you.## you.## You’re going through the Static Cling Breakup. These kinds of breakups are absolutely crushing because of all the energy that person put into the relationship to make it work. Most people don’t realize that they’re being too clingy until the damage has been done. Here are a few characteristics of a clingy partner. • They constant constantly ly fear fear that their their partne partnerr will will leave leave them. them. • They They want want their their partn partner er to spen spend d all of of their their free free time time with with them. • They get upset upset when their their partner partner talks talks to the opposite opposite sex. • They get upset upset when when their their partner partner makes makes plans plans without without them. them. • They cancel cancel plans plans to hang hang out with with their their own friends friends so so that that they can be with their partner. Whether or not the qualities above fit you, you’re probably still crushed ? ” by the breakup. And you can’t helot but wonder “ how did I get here ? Well, when someone unknowingly becomes too clingy, what’s essentially happening is that they’re putting all of their emotional wellbeing on their partner. Instead of having several outlets for happiness, like hanging out with friends and family, doing their hobbies and passions, their main source of happiness comes from being with partner. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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There is nothing wrong with enjoying spending time with the person you love, but when you start to view your relationship as your WHOLE life, life, it does puts a lot of pressure on your partner to fill a void that frankly, only you can fill. (This is what psychologists call a “ fused ” or an “enmeshed ” relationship. relationship. Despite how “romantic” it may seem, it is definitely not healthy.) Here’s how the timeline usually plays out ( Warning: Bad graphics ahead…) 1.) When you first get together with someone, you are (hopefully) a complete and independent person on your own.

2.) You have your own interests and things that you enjoy doing.


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3.) Then one day, you meet someone new. You like how he plays the guitar and kicks a soccer ball around with his friends on the weekend. He likes how you love to knit and study French in your spare time.

4.) All goes great. You meet, the sparks fly. One date turns into two, then three. And And before you know it you’re giving up little bits and Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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pieces of what you used to do for the sake of spending more time with each other. 5.) Your weekly “Francophone meet up” gets put on the sidelines and his jam sessions get put on hold for the sake of movie night and spending time together.

That’s totally normal in moderation, but if this becomes a recurring pattern, then these parts of your life start to disappear and leave an empty void.


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6.) Then the obvious thing to fill that void with is the relationship and each other. Then suddenly, you find yourself in a fused relationship.

And if your partner is off on a business trip or isn’t around for one reason or another, you just don’t feel complete.


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This is where the whole “clingy” thing comes from. To your partner, this feels suffocating. To them, it almost feels like you’re not really having a relationship with THEM anymore anymore at all, but rather the IDEA of them. They feel as if you no longer really see them as the person that they are. Instead, they feel more like just a means to an end. Someone to give love or affection to you. Someone to keep you from being lonely. Someone to help with chores or go to family or work events with you. And they start to see you as a bottomless pit of needs and demands that continues to pull energy away from them. That may sound harsh, but I can tell you from personal experience from dating a needy person in the past, that is exactly what it feels like. It isn’t a good feeling at all. Your ex probably feels more like a means to an end than a full-fleshed person.


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When you think about it that way, it’s really no wonder that your relationship is in trouble. The Solution to the Static Cling Breakup:

Okay, so now that we’ve gotten to the root of the problem, what can you do to fix the situation? The solution is going to come in two ways. Firstly, the problem comes from a very subtle “objectification” of your ex. I don’t mean this in a don’t-treat-women-like-objects sort of way, but rather in a more subtle way. When was the last time you acknowledged that your ex had a rough day at work? When was the last time you listened to them about what they were afraid or anxious about? When was the last time you had a conversation conversation with them about what they dream about for the future? Or are they just an actor playing a role in your life, whether that be “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “lover,” or anything else? Are they just there to live up to your expectations about what they “should” be? • “My boyfrie boyfriend nd shoul should d al alway ways s te tellll me that that I love love me.” • “My wife wife shoul should d want want to have have sex sex at least least three three times times a week.” week.” • “My partner partner should should always always be emoti emotional onally ly there there for me. me.” ”

It’s fine to want those things. However, there’s something huge lacking in those statements: the other person . What if your boyfriend doesn’t tell you he loves you all the time because he’s afraid to open up and express his feelings due to a rough childhood? What if your wife doesn’t want to have sex at least three times a week because she’s depressed and feels deeply unfulfilled in her career? Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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What if your partner isn’t emotionally there for you because he just found out that his father died? It’s important to remember that your ex is a full human being who is having their own experience in life just the way you are. They have rough days. They cry. They laugh. They stay up at night with problems too. Instead of trying to force them into a label of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” or “spouse” or anything else, you’ll have much better results if you can remind yourself that they are human just like you. The second part of the solution is to find those places in yourself where you try to get your ex to fill a role in your life, and to ask yourself what that’s trying to compensate for. For example, if you think your partner should always be there to give you affection (and that kind of neediness pushed your partner away), it’s time to ask yourself how you can fill yourself up emotionally so that you don’t NEED affection affection from your partner or anyone else in order to feel okay. This is done by turning your focus inward and noticing the parts of yourself that do not feel whole. These are those places where you look to your partner or someone else to fill you up. When you can shore up these areas, you’ll have truly eliminated the “neediness” issue for good. This is something a little more complicated that is specific to each individual person, and cannot be directly addressed in a book like this. However, this is something that I can help you with working with you one-on-one or in one of our Ex Solution Program Online Support Community Mentorship Q&A sessions. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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But either way, the one thing I CAN directly directly tell you to do is to start seeing your ex as an individual person with their own fears, hopes, dreams, and nightmares, rather than someone just filling a role in your life. When you can do that, you’ll discover that you can open new pathways of connection between you and your ex that may have seemed impossible before. In fact learning the advanced relational skills we teach will show you how to access deeper levels of connection with your ex where you can really “get” what it’s like to be them. When this happens, they feel seen and heard for the person they are. In this world, it’s so rare to find someone who really understands us. It feels good to have that kind of connection with someone that it’s almost a given that we want to be in a relationship with someone like that. Case Study: Gareth

When we first spoke with Gareth, it had been over a year since his ex had left him. He admitted that she left him due to his clingy behavior. She had a very stressful job and when she came home, the last thing she wanted to deal with was his neediness. Then, one day, Gareth came home and she wasn’t there. While he was away at work, his ex had taken all of her belongings and disappeared (see the Blindside Breakup chapter). Of course, when the shock and confusion subsided, Gareth was left in a lot of pain. Gareth tried unsuccessfully unsuccessfully to get back together with his ex for over a year before he started working with my wife Mika and I. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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As we got to know Gareth, we helped him with his neediness issues. Instead of learning “secret text messages” to send his ex (which he tried and backfired terribly, by the way), we directly helped Gareth overcome the one main reason why his ex left him—neediness and insecurity. We helped Gareth enrich his own life and overcome the causes of his neediness and clingy behavior. We also helped him understand and tap into what it is like to be his ex, with her stressful job and the lifestyle it demands of her. Then, one day while he was at work, his ex stopped by for some unrelated business. He approached her to catch up. The contrast was night and day. Instead of coming across as needy and insecure, Gareth was grounded and didn’t need anything from his ex. More importantly, he was able to stay focused on his ex’s experience of the world and anticipate what she was thinking and what she wanted. (She later confessed to him that this was the main turning point when she started to warm up to him again.) Over the next few weeks, they began seeing each other again. Gareth could tell there were moments when his ex was testing to see if his transformation transformation was real or just an act. Fortunately for him, it wasn’t just a gimmick gimmick or some kind of “fake it till you make make it” mental mental pep talk. Gareth had truly filled in that “hole” in the circle diagram above. Plus, his new way of relating to the world was hardwired into him because he had practiced the advanced relating skills we gave him. This wasn’t going to be the same old game…


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When his ex returned from a family trip out of the country, they were solidly and officially back together. She told him that it felt like she could breathe easier around him, and that she felt a more spacious presence to him. He wasn’t the clingy man that he was before. Because of that, his ex was no longer repelled, but drawn to him instead. He gave her all the space she needed to feel 100% herself. And because of that their relationship is much stronger. The last time we spoke with Gareth, him and his ex were happy and planning on moving together to a seaside town where Gareth could pursue his dream of becoming a kite board instructor. Why What Gareth Did Worked:

Gareth was able to get back together with his ex for one simple reason: he made real and tangible changes in himself. When you read advice online about making changes and getting your ex back, it’s often about superficial things like learning Spanish or joining a soccer soccer team. Would that advice have helped Gareth? Probably not. Gareth was being held back from getting back together with his ex because of neediness… not because of a lack of hobbies or a lack of linguistic ability. There’s a big difference between the conventional advice of “keeping busy” or “doing new things”… and what actually works. Namely, directly eliminating the primary reason your ex left you. Gareth took action to do this by using exercises we gave him to feel completely okay with himself instead of looking to his ex for security or Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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reassurance. He also used some of the advanced relating skills we taught him to connect with his ex in a profound way that inspired more connection. But the foundation was based on seeing his ex as a full and complete person, not as someone filling a role in his life. When this shift happened, Gareth went from the needy and insecure man that his ex left, and he became a grounded and centered man that she couldn’t resist. That is to say, once the emotional block was removed, Gareth and his ex getting back together really was almost automatic. Because Gareth was willing to make the changes to better himself and to feel whole in his own life independent of his ex, he now gets to share his life with her, and the both of them are much happier because of it.


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Breakup Type Type 4: The Blindside When you’re surprised by a breakup, it can truly damage your selfesteem and your ability to trust. This is the Blindside Breakup. Often times, this happens when your partner has been unhappy in the relationship for a while, but kept their feelings—or at least the severity of their feelings—to themselves. Things slowly build. The problem gets worse and worse. Resentment boils under the surface. And then… That’s when the breakup happens. When your partner becomes so convinced that things will never change, or their resentment grows out of control. Sometimes, people will even quietly keep their intentions to break up to themselves until they’ve fully “planned their escape” from the relationship. They may have the apartment lease signed. They may have found the new boyfriend / girlfriend. They’ve taken the time to secretly build a new life to step in to once they finally pull the plug on the old relationship. This can be especially painful. You may come home, like one of our clients, Gareth from the last chapter, only to discover that every trace of your partner has vanished while you were away at work. The feeling of shock can overwhelm you. A day… or even a few hours ago, things seemed so well. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Was your partner secretly planning this? Did they have a sudden change of heart? Was your whole relationship a lie? What can sting the most are all the unanswered questions that haunt you once the shock starts to loosen its hold on you. The Solution to the Blindside Breakup:

When it comes to recovering from a Blindside Breakup, you really need to understand why the relationship didn’t work out in the first place. In some ways, this is very similar to the Toxic Blowup Breakup we discussed in an earlier chapter. This can be a difficult thing to figure out sometimes. Especially Especially if your partner isn’t open to talking to you, and, from your perspective, the breakup truly did come out of nowhere. Sometimes, you might know exactly what wasn’t working in the relationship. If that’s the case, then you may already know why your partner left you… Maybe you just didn’t realize it had become that big of a problem. However, if you do not know why your partner left you, it’s important that you get to the bottom of the situation. As, we’ll discuss in the case study shortly, the cause may not even be anything to do with you. But before you can start to heal the rift, you need to first understand what wasn’t working in the relationship. Chances are you know that there were problems in your relationship. Maybe you didn’t know they were as big of a deal to your partner, but chances are you already have a fair bit of insight into why the relationship didn’t work out. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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Once you know what caused the breakup, you need to directly address it. If the problem was because of something you have control over, then you’re going to have demonstrate this change to your ex. (See, the chapter on the Toxic Blowup Breakup. For the sake of not being redundant, I won’t go too much into that here.) If the problem is something outside of your control… Perhaps something to do with your ex rather than you, your best course of action is to be understanding and available for your ex so that they have the opportunity to feel supported by you. The best way to demonstrate this is with a case study from a woman named Taylor… Case Study: Taylor

Back when my wife Mika and I were first getting started helping people with relationships, we had something that hit pretty close to home. Our friend, Taylor was in a relationship. She had been having some problems with her boyfriend. He was feeling frustrated and suffocated by the relationship. He wasn’t getting the physical intimacy that he wanted from Taylor and his general frustration with life was mounting quickly (he felt like he had little control over his weight, his career, or his efforts to become a musician). This had been a chronic problem in their relationship, but it didn’t start to escalate until her boyfriend turned 30 and started to feel a growing urge to make changes in his life. One night, Taylor and her boyfriend were enjoying a warm evening together. They made dinner and felt emotionally close to one another. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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That’s when he told her, “ This feels nice. I think you and I are going to be fine together.” Taylor went to bed that night feeling relaxed and with a sense of relief. The next day, when Taylor came home from work, should couldn’t believe what happened. Her boyfriend was there with all of his bags packed, and he told her that he was breaking up with her and moving out. That’s when Taylor called us. I can still remember how shaky her voice sounded between sobs as she choked out “ He just left me. ” Shortly after, her ex found a new place to live. Taylor, unable to afford the rent on their apartment on her own, had to move back in with her parents. It seemed like her entire life was unraveling before her eyes. Taylor wanted to get back together with her ex, so we showed her how to really empathize with him and his frustrations in life. By using the advanced relational skills we gave her, Taylor was able to show her ex that she was 100% there to support him as he figured life out. This shifted the way that he saw Taylor. Instead of being another thing that frustrated him, he started to see her as someone who was fundamentally fundamentally on his side and there to help him through all the challenges of life. Through using the relational skills, Taylor was able to show her ex that life was better for him with her in it than without her.


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When that happened, the choice to get back together was obvious to him. This all happened several years ago, and Taylor and her then-ex are now back together and married. Why What Taylor Did Worked:

Taylor was able to save her relationship because she focused on creating positive interactions with her ex. By using the relating skills we gave her she was able to dial into the moment and feel what would feel good to her ex. The true value in the relating skills we teach is that they focus on creating positive interactions that feel good. When interactions feel good, it’s difficult to resist the urge to spend more time together and to get back into a relationship together. These skills involve cultivating a deeper empathy that allowed Taylor’s ex to really “get” that she was there to help him through the challenges of life. As a result of this, she became an oasis in the desert of an otherwise frustrating and disappointing disappointing life for her ex. Is it any wonder that he ended up getting back together with her? Who wouldn’t want to share their life with someone who really understood your challenges and was supportive every step of the way? It’s one thing to talk about being supportive, but to actually have the skills to SHOW your your ex that you’re going to be there for them and that you really understand what it’s like to be them, is a whole other story.


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Breakup Type Type 5: The Relationship Fizzle The Relationship Fizzle is what happens when your relationship slowly dims over time and eventually leads to a breakup. Often you may here things like: • “I just just don don’t ’t feel feel ‘it’ ‘it’ anymor anymore. e.” ” • “I’m “I’m bored bored in this this rela relati tions onshi hip.” p.” • “I think think we’r we’re e ju just st bett better er frie friends nds tha than n lo lover vers.” s.”

It can be painful to hear someone you love say these things, especially when you still have very strong feelings for them, but don’t worry. I’m going to explain to you exactly what’s going on with your relationship and how you can fix it. The Relationship Fizzle Breakup is actually a little bit sneaky because it’s so hard to spot it until it’s too late. Most of the time your partner will complain about an issue or there will be lots of fighting or arguing. But with the Relationship Fizzle, it seems to come out of nowhere. You’re just living a nice peaceful life together… and then you get caught off guard by one of those “ we need to talk ” moments. So what’s going on here? First of all I want to directly address something: The problem is NOT an attraction problem. And you definitely have NOT been been put in the “ friend zone.” I know it probably SEEMS that that way based on what your ex said to you, but it’s not that way at all, as I’ll explain in a moment.


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This whole “attraction” problem or “friend zone” issue actually drive people to focus on the wrong things when they are trying to get their ex back. They spend time trying to play “hard to get” or become more of an “alpha male” in the hopes getting out of the “friend zone” or reattracting their ex. But here’s a big secret: Your ex ALREADY finds finds you attractive. If they didn’t, the two of you would have never ended up in a relationship together in the first place. Trying to re-attract your ex is like trying to make the sun rise in the morning. It doesn’t matter how hard you try or don’t try, the sun is still going to come up in the morning. You could be up before dawn trying to make it happen, or you could be sleeping in till noon. The sun is still coming up. It’s the same way with trying to re-attract your ex. Let me explain… Sure, your ex may have said that they aren’t attracted to you anymore. They may have said that they see you as more of a friend than a lover. They may have said that the feeling just fizzled out. Those are just the best words that they can come up with to describe what they are experiencing. experiencing. And I’m sure to them it genuinely feels that way. But here’s what’s really going on. Your ex already finds you attractive. If you’ve been in other relationships before you and your ex got together, you probably know Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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this is true. You can think back to any of your exes, and despite whatever you may have been through, there’s still a tiny nugget somewhere that says, “ I still do find them attractive the way I remember them.” And that’s because once two people become attracted to one another, it is very difficult to break that bond—barring any massive disfigurations or psychotic personality breaks. And this means that your ex still has a strong feeling of attraction toward you, the same way that you feel that way toward them. Right about now, you might be thinking, “ Okay so if my ex still is attracted to me, then what’s going on here? ” And the answer is that the attraction they feel for you is being blocked by negative experiences and emotions between the two of you. It’s like when a kitchen sink gets clogged. Normally, when you turn on the water, it flows out of the faucet and down the drain, right? You can think of that like when the attraction gets sparked in your relationship. That’s the first date when you two were laughing and smiling, and you knew that this was someone you liked. But over time, negative experiences and emotions between the two of you start to clog the sink. And when the sink is clogged, the water backs up and your whole kitchen floods. So, the solution isn’t to fidget around with the knobs, turning up the “attraction.” That That will only make your sink flood faster and leave you with a bigger mess to clean up. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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The solution is to simply unclog the sink so that the water will do what it’s supposed to do and go down the drain. When too many negative experiences and emotions get in the way of attraction in a relationship, the solution isn’t to increase attraction. Just like with the sink, all you have to do is “unclog” the negative experiences and emotions emotions and the attraction will do what it automatically automatically and naturally does—bring the two of you back together again. I hope that makes sense to you. The sooner you can stop focusing on “attraction” and the “friend zone,” the more time you can spend focusing on what actually matters… and the faster you can actually get back together with your ex.

How to Overcome the Relationship Fizzle Okay, so what do you do to save your relationship if your breakup type is the Relationship Fizzle? Well, it comes down to having the right relational skills to make it happen. What’s going on is that, at some point in your relationship, the two of you stopped exploring one another. You just took it for granted that you already “knew” everything there was to know about one another. • “He’s “He’s boring. boring. He alway always s does does the the same same thing thing aft after er work. work.” ” • “She “She can never never contr control ol her spendi spending. ng.” ” • “All “All you care care about about is wor work k and and money money.” .”


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These are small little decisions that we make about our partners that actually can add up and destroy a relationship. The key word there is “decision .” .” We are deciding that we know something about someone else, and we cut off the possibility of discovering something new about them. Instead of understanding why our partner only cares about work, we just decide that they’re a workaholic. End End of story. story. Never mind the fact that they may be trying to compensate for growing up in a poor family during their childhood. Never mind the fact that they think that the best way they can show their love for you is to provide you with the financial stability that they never had as a child. Never mind that they just want to give you all the experiences and toys that you want in life. They’re just a workaholic. And as we continue to make these decisions about our partner, we slowly box them into a caricature of who they really are. We no longer REALLY know know them; we only know the decisions we made about them… whether or not those are true (currently or in the past) or even accurate about who they really are. When was the last time you really checked in with your partner about how their day was? I’m not just talking about the usual “ How was your day? ” “It was fine ” type conversations that people have over the dinner table that they squeeze in between mouthfuls of pasta. I’m talking about a deep and meaningful conversation about what it’s actually like to live a day in each other’s life. What it’s like to feel Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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afraid. What it’s like to feel hope. What it’s like to feel frustrated. What it’s like to feel joy. When was the last time you had one of those conversations? I’m guessing it’s probably been awhile. When I was in high school, I picked up a book called The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. It was the first book I ever read by him, and he has since become my favorite author. Anyway, in that book, there is a passage that describes what it’s like to know someone else. He says that knowing someone else is like looking through a very dark room filled with objects, and all you have to see anything is a dim candle. You can shine the candle on one corner and see what’s there. But in order to see anything else, you have to turn away from that corner to illuminate a different spot, leaving the original corner swallowed by darkness. And when you turn away, things shift and change and move in that darkness. Often we forget that, and we expect the corners we looked at once to remain the same. But that rarely happens. People change, and the things we think we know about them aren’t static or necessarily even the full story in the first place. When was the last time your partner cried? Laughed? Smiled? Felt afraid? Was excited to wake up in the morning? I don’t care if you think your partner is the most stone cold, unfeeling person in the world, if you can’t answer those questions, then you don’t really know them as well as you think you do. So how do you get to know them at a deeper level? How do you access that deeper level of communication and cut through any emotional walls that they may have put up? Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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It comes down to learning advanced relational skills that will help you break through the barriers that keep you apart and tap into those deep emotional moments moments where the two of you can really share, bond, and learn about one another. Dangerously Personal Case Study: Me (Clay)

Back when I was in school, I got a special opportunity to study for a term in Rome, Italy. Believe it or not, I was actually reluctant to go. Earlier that year, my then-girlfriend and I broke up. Through mere chance, we were able to get back together, and I didn’t want to risk losing her again. But we both agreed that I should take advantage of this opportunity and go to Rome. It was only for 3 months anyway. I took extra special care to let her know how much I cared. I called, I wrote letters and post cards, I sent her gifts, and arranged for special surprises back home. But over the course of time, we did start to drift apart. We fell into our roles. I was always out doing things and exploring Italy. She was working and going to school back home. We had stopped sharing moments together and we started labeling one another. And that’s when she left me. Not just that though, but she left me for someone else. I remember how I felt completely helpless. helpless. Not only did I not know what to do, but I was also literally thousands of miles away. Well, we did eventually get back together, and here’s how. Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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After I got back home when my time in Rome was over, I struggled. I did all the usual things that I’m sure you’ve already done. I probably don’t need to go into all that. When things started to change between us is when I started to regain that sense of curiosity and re-discover of her. And she started to do the same with me. It took a little bit of time, but instead of just falling into our old roles again, we learned to see each as full and unique human beings again. And when this happened we started to have great experiences together. I met up with her for coffee. We were both nervous about how it was going to go. Instead, things went well, and it ended with one of those long, drawn out moments, where neither one of us wanted to say goodbye. And those became a regular occurrence for us. And that is what eventually brought us back together again. Today, we aren’t together any longer. It’s a long story, but essentially we wanted different things in life. But I am honored to have known her and to have learned the valuable lessons from that experience. Why It Worked:

I was able to get back together with my ex because I was able to break free from the image of the woman I thought she was… and she was able to see me as a different person than the man she thought I was (see the description of the “decoy effect” in the Rebound Breakup chapter). Find out how to get more help at http://ExSolutionProgram.com

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We then went on to rediscover who we were. At the time I was unknowingly discovering the relational skills that I teach our clients every day. Of course things took a while, because I didn’t have anything to go off of. I just had to invent most of this myself. But looking back, when the dynamic changed between us, that’s when things started to heal. And the most effective effective way to change the dynamic between you and your ex is to acquire a new set of skills designed to change the emotional tone and connection between you and your ex.


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Next Steps for Getting Your Your Ex Back: There are a lot of different roads that may have lead you here to this point in your life where you find yourself confronting a breakup. And no matter what those circumstances are, I want you to know that I’m sorry so rry.. I’m sorry that you’re going through this difficult chapter of your life. I’m sorry that the person you love has pulled away from you. I’m sorry for all the pain and suffering you’re undoubtedly going through. I know that what you’re experiencing isn’t easy, and it’s filled with a lot of tears and heartbreak… But I want you to know that you can make it through this. The key to healing the rift in a breakup may be a little bit different depending on your breakup type, but one thing is clear: mastering a new set of relating skills to bond and connect with your ex will truly help you open a doorway to their heart. I hope that this book has been helpful to you, and that you’ve enjoyed reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it for you. And if you’d like a little extra help getting through to your ex so that you can win them back, then you might be interested in the Ex Solution Program. Now, before you sign up for the Ex Solution Program today, let me tell you a little bit more about it so you know it’s right for you.


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The Ex Solution Program is our online training course designed to help you make a profound emotional connection with your ex, so that you can break through their walls and get back together with them. Inside, we teach you the advanced relational skills that you need in order to get through to them and show them how much you care in a way that may have seemed impossible before. You’ve already gone to the effort of reading this book, reading my newsletter (which I assume is how you found out about this book in the first place), and gone out looking for answers to save your relationship. Do you know how rare of a person you are? Not many people would have gone to that much effort. They might have gotten their ex a card or something, but that’s about it. You’re reading this book. You’ve gotten near the end of it. And I can tell you’re the kind of person who has the determination and commitment to do this now. So, here’s what I’d like you to do next: Go ahead and check out the Ex Solution Program at the link below. Look over the sign up page and see if it’s a good fit for you. If you feel that this is something you could benefit from, go ahead and sign up today. You can check out the Ex Solution Program over here: http://ExSolutionProgram.com And I look forward to seeing you on the other side.


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