His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Affair-Pro of Marriage (Revised and Expanded Edition) By William F. Harley, Jr., Grand Rapids: Revell Publishing Company, 2011, 234 pp., $10.59 Kindle Electronic Edition.
Introduction It is an odd world where books offering relationship advice are penned by comedians and then actually read by real people, presumably in need of desperate help in conquering the foibles inherent in every step of the the companionship process. In other words people are turning to the likes of Steve Harvey ( Act Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man) Man) and Greg Behrendt ( He's He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys) Guys) for survival guides to one of the most important arenas of life. The present author means no disrespect disrespect to either of the supremely talented individuals just named –probably these books offer legitimate (and humorous) insight in their own rights. However, one does not generally call the fire fire department to fight crime, crime, or a police officer to bake a wedding cake. Similarly, it only makes sense to look for an expert in the field when lifelong romantic happiness is at stake. Thankfully, Dr. William F. Harley, Jr., is just such an expert who has devoted his h is life as a 1 clinical psychologist to the cause of helping people navigate the minefield that is intimate entanglements. Dr. Harley taught a course on the the topic to his local church in 1978, and though he could never have imagined it at the time, that class would change publishing history with himself at the center of the whole thing. Transcripts from the the class somehow wound up in the hands of the acquisition editor editor of Revell Publishing Company. As of its latest latest printing, above three million copies of the resultant book, His book, His Needs, Her Needs have been dispersed around the 2 globe. Summary of the Content of the Book Despite its multiplicity of topics, Harley’s book drives home a single unified theme: avoid affairs by meeting meeting needs. Writes Harley, “Husbands’ and wives’ needs are so strong strong that when they’re not met in marriage, people p eople are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them . . . when you meet each other’s most important emotional needs, you create and sustain a feeling of love for each other that is essential in a successful marriage.”3 The needs to be met vary by gender and (as we shall discover) discover) even by individual. Harley spends the majority of the book explaining what these needs are and in what ways they are best met. Individual chapters include titles like “The First Thing Sh e Can’t Do Without— Affection” and “He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him—Admiration” which really do a find job in 1
William F. Harley, Jr., His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage , (Kindle Electronic Edition, Grand Rapids: Revell, 2011), post text.
2
Ibid., p. 9.
3
Ibid., 15, 16.
summing up the information information contained within their pages. Typically Harley will begin a chapter with a hypothetical scenario (possibly based on real life counseling experiences) in which a happy couple face a crisis of infidelity brought on by the failure of the offended spouse to meet their partner’s need. These setups quickly grab the reader’s reader’s attention with their intense realism and even some of the finer qualities which make for good story-telling story-telling in general. He then highlights the moral of the story, i.e. the specific relational need which the chapter is written to help with. The lion share of the chapter, though, goes on to equip with the reader with specific specific information and strategies for dealing with the current area of consideration. Chapter seven, for instance, “She Needs to Trust Him Totally— Honesty and Openness”, begins with the ballad of Nicole and Ted. Nicole falls for mysterious mysterious Ted, who never quite lets her know what is really going on in his life. During their courtship, if she asks what he is going to do after their date, “He would just wink, smile knowingly, and say, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”4 Marriage to Ted only brings more destructive secrecy and when Nicole comes to the point of frustration and even suffers depression over their relationship, Ted refuses to talk to their pastor about the problem, lest the other parishioners hear about his odd ways ways and assume the worst. Of course, Nicole wonders if she ought to assume the worst herself. Harley transitions into his discussion of a woman’s need for trusting security with the pointed observation that “Nicole and Ted are headed for trouble unless he realizes he has to change.”5 Lifelong intimate relationships ought to be characterized by openness and even transparency. Marriage is no place for privacy, where privacy is defined as “keeping part of himself or herself hidden”.6 Each spouse ought to have ha ve access to all information regarding the other –nothing hidden, nothing locked away. Candidly, Harley notes, “Although you may find it threatening to think your spouse might have the right to read your email or go through your purse, I believe this kind of openness is indispensable for a healthy marriage. When I “protect my privacy,” it makes me less transparent to my wife.”7 After explaining all this, the writer devotes a number of pages to outlining “The Policy of Radical Honesty”8 and even explains just how such a policy can save a marriage from disaster.9
Evaluation of the Character of the Book Specifically laudable in this tome is the detailed d etailed data the author brings into this study. Harley is not dimly philosophizing with loose ideas and blind opinions. With an earned doctorate in psychology10, a successful marriage of nearly five decades11, multiple years of 4
Ibid., 101.
5
Ibid., 102.
6
Ibid., 104.
7
Ibid.
8
Ibid., 105
9
Ibid., 112.
10
Ibid., 10.
11
Ibid., 203.
counseling experience, and a burning drive to actually help people in an arena where his peers have been at times less than successful,12 he can really put his input input where his ideas are. In fact, he has done so. The chapter on sex, for instance, appropriately appropriately details the science of human sexuality upon which its its conclusions are propped. The chapter on communication communication –read, “intimate conversation”, is not only backed by the separate psychologies which men and women bring to bear, but also even lists specific barriers which destroy efforts efforts at bridging this wall. Along with this, he avoids the mistake of belaboring his points. It seems that there there was no conscientious effort at producing a particularly long teaching, but only a genuinely helpful one. This is surely appreciated by all those who want to get help and still have time to institute institute it. Numerous times throughout the pages, the writer refers to to some other book of his where additional information on a topic can be gained if the reader is so inclined. The value of His His Needs, Her Needs does not end with with the main text text either. The final thirty plus pages provide four valuable, interactive appendices to help couples apply the information they have gained from reading. reading. On three separate times in in this section of the the book, Harley writes, “You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own marriage.”13 On a related side note, this is something of a mixed blessing for those (like the present reviewer) reviewer) who prefer their books in in electronic format. Such folks will probably experience a bit more of a challenge in making use of the worksheet sections. Some readers from a religious background may be unsure about trusting a “secular” volume such as this one to help with their own relationship. relationship. The concern is both perfectly understandable and in the end unwarranted. Dr. Harley writes, “I am a church member myself, myself, 14 with strong convictions about the Christian faith.” He writes, however, for more of a mass market, with the purpose not only of selling books but of helping as many as possible with these trials. Healthy marriages are not only important for the church; they they benefit all of society. society. Application of the Counsel of the Book At the time of this review, my wife and an d I have been married for just over seven years. Neither of us are exactly the typical examples of our individual genders such as Dr. Harley describes. Perhaps I feel the “female” “female” need of intimate conversation more more than she does even, and perhaps she would identify the “male” need of recreational companionship as a major in her own emotional makeup. Contrariwise, we can both identify identify more traditionally with with the issues of sex and affection as discussed in early chapters. All this is fine, since the author himself himself wisely asserts, “So although I have identified the most important emotional needs of the average man and woman, I don’t know the emotional needs of any particular husband and wife. And since I’m in the business of saving individual marriages, not av erage marriages, you should identify the combinations of needs that are unique to your marriage.”15 Over the course of our marriage thus far, we’ve faced difficulties both internal and external to the relationship relationship itself. Some days have been better than others; individual months and years have followed the same patterns. patterns. Through it all, however, each of us has held the firm conviction that the Lord Himself Himself brought us together. As such, there is no place either of us 12
Ibid., 10-12.
13
Ibid., 213, 229, 234.
14
Ibid., 22.
15
Ibid., 19.
would rather be than by one another’s side and in one another’s arms. arms. We recognize that like anything else good relationships take hard work and to do the work one must have the tools. By discovering His discovering His Needs, Her Needs we have found a tool to use toward gently tightening the loose places, and mending the broken places that exist between us. As a husband I must take my wife’s need for affection and romance much more more seriously. Together we must learn to invite and enjoy those intimate intimate conversations so vital vital in most relationships. relationships. I have also confronted some stark realities about financial security and ph ysical attractiveness that at times it would be far easier to ignore. This book may yet prove to be a literal literal God-send to our already already God-forged relationship. Conclusion In 1986, Revell Publishing Company first printed a book that would be truly significant in publishing history.16 More important by far is the fact that the teaching therein has proved significant to the personal histories of many couples. Since that time Dr. Harley Harley has made the effort to revise and expand the work such that the reader in 2012 is not left with an outdated tome reflecting an entirely different different world than the one s/he s/he lives in. Certainly not every person will agree with this tome or find its pages useful, but they are probably still still the minority. The proof of the pudding is in the eating, as they say, and Dr. Harley has served up a dish almost sure to satisfy.
16
Ibid., 9.
