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GIFT OF ^a^^y^e^
'^Ky/e/)ce.
THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE
VOLUME
VII
N'
Digitized by the Internet Archive in
2007 with funding from IVIicrosoft
Corporation
http://www.archive.org/details/collectedworksof07bierrich
The publishers
certify
that this edition of
THE COLLECTED WORKS OF AMBROSE BIERCE consists
graphed
of two by
the
setis-'ri^,,.
hundred
and
fifty
author,
and
that
numbered tht
sets,
auto-
number of
this
ill!
Copyright,
1911,
by
The Neale Publishing Companj
^t
THE
DEVIL'S DICTIONARY
435368
PREFACE The DeviVs Dictionary was begun paper tory
and was continued
in 1881,
way
at
that year
covers with the
name which
title
The
the author
it
In
1906.
was published
Cynic's
had not the power
the publishers of the present
in
Word Book,
reject nor the happiness to approve.
"This more reverent
desul-
in
long intervals
large part of
weekly
in
To
to
quote
work:
title
had previously
been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last
newspaper
in
which
part of
work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the the
country already had been flooded by ors
with
Cynic's Cynic's
score
of
'cynic'
its
imitat-
books
The The
The Cynic's That, and t'Other. Most of these books were This,
merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction
of
silliness.
Among
them,
they
PREFACE brought the word that any
deep
^cynic' into disfavor so
book bearing
was discredited
it
in
advance of publication."
Meantime,
some of the enterprising
too,
humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of the
needs, and
many
of
work
as served their
anecdotes,
definitions,
its
more or
phrases and so forth,
less
current in popular speech. This explanation
made, not with any pride of priority
is
in trifles,
but in simple denial of possible charges of
which
plagiarism,
no
is
trifle.
In
merely
to
be held
resuming his own the author hopes guiltless
by
addressed
wines
those
to
enlightened souls
and clean English
of
quotations
whom
is
it is
agement and text
is
prefer dry
abundant
from eminent
Father Gassalasca Jape,
To
is
hoped, not unpleas-
book
that learned
his initials.
who
work
to slang.
conspicuous, and ing, feature of the
the
sentiment, wit to
to sw swee eet, t, se sens ns
rative
whom
chief
poets,
and ingenious S. J.,
illust-
whose
cleric,
lines
bear
Father Jape's kindly encour-
assistance the author of the prose
greatly indebted.
A.B.
Abasement, al
attitude
Abatis,
in
the
presence of wealth
or
Peculiarly appropriate in an em-
power. ployee
decent and customary ment-
w.
when
addressing an employer.
Rubbish
n.
in front of
fort, to pre-
vent the rubbish outside from molesting the inside.
Abdication,
An
n.
act
whereby
attests his sense of the
sovereign
high temperature of
the throne. Poor Set
Isabella's dead,
all
whose abdication
tongues wagging in
the
Spanish
For that performance She wisely
To
left
History
Merely
to
nation. scold
her:
throne too hot to hold her.
she'll
be no royal riddle
plain parched pea that
jumped
the griddle.
G.
Abdomen, in
n.
The femple
whose worship, with
of the
/.
god Stomach,
sacrificial rights, all
THE COLLECTED WORKS
12
men engage. faith commands They sometimes
From women
true
this ancient
stammering
but
assent.
minister at the altar in
half-hearted and ineffective way, but true
know
adore they
hand
in
men
really
woman had
free
one deity that
reverence
not.
world's
the
If
marketing
would become graminivorous.
Ability,
w.
The
natural equipment to accom-
plish
some
tions
dist di st ng ngui ui hi
of the
In the
ones.
last
monly found degree
of
men from dead
le
analysis ability
solemnity.
no easy task
Abnormal, ard.
adj.
to
high
however,
Perhaps,
this impressive quality is rightly it is
is
mainly in
consist
to
meaner ambi-
appraised;
be solemn.
Not conforming
to stand-
In matters of thought and conduct,
be independent
normal
is
to
is
to
be abnormal, to be ab-
Wherefore the
be detested.
lexicographer adviseth straiter
striving
toward
resemblance to the Average
than he hath to himself. thereto shall
to
Whoso
Man
attaineth
have peace, the prospect of
death and the hope of Hell.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Aborigines,
Persons of
n.
cumbering the
worth found
newly discovered
of
soil
They soon
country.
little
cease to cumber; they
fertilize.
Abracadabra. By Abracadabra we
An
signify
number
infinite
'Tis the answer to
of things.
What? and How? and Why?
word whereby And Whence? and Whither? The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy
Whether
word
only
An
know
that
From
sage
From
age to age
'tis
light.
noun
verb or
is
knowledge beyond
Is
Of
the
my
reach.
handed down
immortal part of speech!
an ancient
That he
man
the tale
told
is
lived to be ten centuries old.
cave on
In
mountain
side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame For
his
of his
wisdom
filled
the land.
head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And
his
eyes
13
uncommonly
bright.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
14
To
at his feet
sit
Though he
To But
*^
from
gathered
Philosophers
far
and
near
and hear and hear, never was heard
word
utter
Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas *Twas
Made
he had,
all
wanted
they
all
notes
copious
Which
to
hear,
the
of
and
mystical
each speech,
they published next
trickle of text
meadow
In
Mighty
of commentary.
big books were these,
In number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkable
very!
He's dead,
As
And
said,
the books of
sages have perished.
wisdom
is
sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra
it
solemnly rings,
But
his
Like an ancient bell that forever
O,
love to hear
That word make
clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Jamrach Holobom,
Abridge,
v.
When
t.
in
necessary for
To
shorten.
the course of
human
events
it
people to abridge their king,
becomes decent
AMBROSE BIERCE mankind
respect for the opinions of
should
declare
Oliver Cromwell.
separation.
Abrupt,
requires that they
which impel them to the
causes
the
15
Sudden, without ceremony, like
adj.
cannon-shot and the depart-
the arrival of
ure of the soldier whose interests are most
by
affected
Dr. Samuel Johnson beauti-
it.
fully said of another au auth thor or's 's id idea ea
that they
were "concatenated without abruption."
Abscond,
v.
i.
To "move
commonly with Spring beckons!
The
trees
mysterious way,"
in
the property of another. All things to the
call
respond;
are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Phela Orm.
Absent, of
adj.
Peculiarly exposed to the tooth
detraction;
vilified;
wrong; superseded
hopelessly
in th
in
cons co nsid ider erat atio io
the
and
affection of another.
To men What
man
is
mind.
but
face he carries or
But woman's body Stay thou,
my
is
the
Who
what form he wears?
woman.
sweetheart,
O,
and do never
But heed the warning words
woman
absent
is
cares
woman
go,
hath said dead. ^Jogo
Tyree,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
16
Absentee,
person with an income
n,
who
has had the forethought to remove himself
from the sphere of exaction.
Absolute,
An
adj.
Independent, irresponsible.
monarchy
absolute
is
one in which the
sovereign does as he pleases so long as he the
pleases
Not many
assassins.
monarchies are
left,
absolute
most of them having
been replaced by limited monarchies, where the
power
sovereign's
good)
is
for
(and
evil
for
greatly curtailed, and by republics,
which are governed by chance.
weak person who
yields to
the temptation of denying himself
pleas-
who
abstains
Abstainer,
n.
total abstainer
ure.
from everything but ially
from
You "So
abstention,
crapulent youth:
to
total abstainer,
am, so
"But
one
and espec-
inactivity in the affairs of others.
man
Said
is
not,
am," sir,
my
"I thought
son."
said the scapegrace caught
bigoted one."
G.J,
Absurdity,
belief
n.
festly inconsistent
with one's
own
mani-
opinion.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Academe, ality
An
n.
ancient school
where mor-
and philosophy were taught.
Academy,
Accident,
modern
(from academe).
n.
school where football
An
n.
is
taught.
inevitable occurrence due
immutable natural laws.
to the
Accomplice, in
17
One
n.
associated with another
crime, having guilty knowledge and
complicity, criminal,
an attorney
as
knowing him
who
defends
This view
guilty.
of the attorney's position in the matter has
commanded
not hitherto
the assent of at-
no one having offered them
torneys,
fee
for assenting.
Accord,
Harmony.
n.
Accordion,
An
n.
instrument
with the sentiments of an
Accountability,
"My
n.
Said the
Grand
Said the Shah:
Of
ability
you
Vizier:
"I do
harmony
assassin.
The mother
accountabilityj bear in
in
of caution.
mind," "Yes, yes,"
'tis
the only kind
possess."
Oram Tate,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
18
Accuse,
v.
To
t.
another's guilt or
affirm
unworth; most commonly
tion of the his
surp rpri risi sing ng co cond ndiiIn the su
adj.
Crusader
who
absently pulled at
some hours
forelock
justification
wronged him.
of ourselves for having
Acephalous,
as
Saracen
after
scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed
through his neck,
Achievement, the
as related
The
w.
Joinville.
death of endeavor and
disgust.
Acknowledge,
v.
t.
To
Acknow-
confess.
ledgment of one another's est
by de
faults
is
the high-
duty imposed by our love of truth.
Acquaintance,
w.
person
well enough to
enough called
from, but not well
to lend to.
slight
obscure,
whom we know
when
degree of friendship its
object
poor or
is
and intimate when he
is
rich or
famous.
Actually, adv. Adage,
«.
Perhaps
Boned wisdom
possibly.
for
weak
teeth.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Adamant,
mineral frequently found
n.
beneath
19
Soluble in solicitate of
corset.
gold.
Adder, its
species of snake.
n.
So called from
habit of adding funeral outlays to the
other expenses of living.
Adherent, obtained
follower
n. all that
Administration,
who
he expects
An
n.
yet
to get.
ingenious abstrac-
tion in politics, designed to receive the kicks
and
man
cuffs
due
to the
premier or president.
of straw, proof against bad-egging and
dead-catting.
Admiral,
w.
That part of
war-ship which
while the figure-head does
does he th thin in in ing. g.
Admiration,
n.
Our
polite
recognition of
another's resemblance to ourselves.
Admonition, meat-axe.
n.
Gentle reproof,
as
with
Friendly warning.
Consigned, by
way
His soul forever
of admonition,
to perdition. ^Judibras.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
20
Adore^
v.
Advice,
To
venerate expectantly.
The
smallest current coin.
t.
«.
"The man was Said
Tom,
Than
in such
could do no
"that
him good
give
deep distress," less
Said Jim:
advice."
"If less could have been done for him
know
well enough,
To know
that*s
my
son,
what you would have done." Jebel Jocordy,
Affianced, pp.
Fitted with an ankle-ring for
the ball-and-chain.
Affliction,
w.
An
acclimatizing process pre-
paring the soul for another and bitter world.
African,
Age,
n.
n,
nigger that votes our way.
That period
pound
for
of life in
the vices
that
which we com-
we
still
cherish
by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.
Agitator,
n,
statesman
fruit trees of his neighbors
worms.
who
shakes
the
to dislodge the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Aim,
n.
The
task
"Cheer up!
we
set
our wishes
Have you no aim
21
to.
life?"
in
She tenderly inquired.
"An aim? Well, no, The fact is have
haven't,
wife;
fired."
G,J.
Air,
nutritious substance supplied
n.
by
bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Alderman,
n.
An
ingenious criminal
covers his secret thieving with
who
pretence of
open marauding.
Alien,
n.
An American
bationary
Allah,
n.
sovereign
pro-
state.
The Mahometan Supreme
as distinguished
Being,
from the Christian, Jewish,
and Allah's good laws
And ever for the And sometimes Have
faithfully sins of
have kept,
man have wept;
kneeling in the temple
reverently crossed
my
hands and
slept.
Junker Barlow.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
22
Allegiance,
n.
This thing Allegiance, Is
in
fitted
Whereby
To
the
that organ
suppose,
as
is
nose,
subject's
kept rightly pointed
smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
G./.
Alliance,
In international
n.
union of two thieves so
politics,
who have
the
their hands
deeply inserted in each other's pocket
that they cannot separately plunder
Alligator,
n.
The
crocodile
of
third.
America,
superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of
Herodotus says the Indus
the
Old World.
with one excep-
is,
only river that produces crocodiles,
tion, the
appear
but they
grown up with
to
have gone West and
the other rivers.
notches on his back the alligator
From is
the
called
sawrian.
Alone,
adj.
In bad company.
In contact, lo! the
By
flint
and
steel,
spark and flame, the thought reveal
That he
Had
the metal,
stone,
cherished secretly alone.
Booley Fito.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Altar,
The
w.
23
place whereon the priest form-
erly raveled out the small intestine of the
victim for purposes of divination
sacrificial
and cooked is
now seldom
used, except with reference to
the sacrifice of
male and They
The
liberty
female
and peace by
fool.
stood before the altar and supplied
themselves in which their fat
fire
In vain the
An
The word
flesh for the gods.
its
sacrifice!
was
fried.
no god will claim
offering burnt with an unholy flame.
M. Ambidextrous,
Able
adj.
to
pick with equal
right-hand pocket or
skill
Ambition,
w.
An
P. Nopput.
left.
overmastering desire to be
by enemies while living and made
vilified
ridiculous
Amnesty,
by friends when dead.
The
n.
those offenders
state's
whom
it
magnanimity
would be
to
too expen-
sive to punish.
Anoint^
v.
t.
To
grease
king or other great
functionary already sufficiently slippery.
As
sovereigns
So pigs
to
are
anointed
by the priesthood,
populace are greased good. Judibras,
COLLECTED WORKS
24
Antipathy,
The
n.
sentiment inspired by
one's friend's friend.
Aphorism,
Predigested wisdom.
n.
The
flabby wine-skin of his brain
Yields to some pathologic strain,
And The
from
voids
driblet of
its
v,
To
i.
abysm
an aphorism.
Mad
""The
Apologize,
unstored
Philosopher/*
1697.
lay the foundation for
future offence.
Apostate,
leech who, having penetrated
n.
turtle only to
the shell of
find that the
creature has long been dead, deems ient to
new attachment
form
it
to
expedfresh
turtle.
Apothecary,
w.
The
physician's accomplice,
undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.
When
Jove sent blessings to
And Mercury That
friend
all
conveyed them in
of
tricksters
men
that
are,
jar,
introduced
by
stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose
"My
gratitude
deadliest
Impelled him
drug
shall bear
to
proclaim:
my
patron's
name!"
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Appeal,
v.
25
In law, to put the dice into the
t.
box for another throw. Appetite,
An
n.
thoughtfully
instinct
planted by Providence as
im-
solution to the
labor question.
Applause,
The echo
n.
April Fool,
month added
An
n.
were
On
fool with another
to his folly.
ecclesiastical
one point holier than If
platitude.
The March
n.
Archbishop,
of
dignitary
bishop.
jolly archbishop,
Fridays I'd eat
all
the fish
up
Salmon and flounders and smelts;
On
other days everything
else.
Jodo Rem.
Architect,
n.
One who
house, and plans
Ardor,
n.
The
drafts
plan of your
draft of your money.
quality that distinguishes love
without knowledge.
Arena, in
n.
which
record.
In
politics,
an imaginary rat-pit
the statesman
wrestles
with his
26
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Aristocracy,
n.
Government by
(In this sense the word
is
and clean
hats
obsolete; so
is
that
Fellows that wear
kind of government.)
downy
the best men.
shirts
educ-
uilt ui lt
and suspected of bank accounts.
ation
Armor,
The kind
n.
man whose
tailor
is
of clothing
worn by
blacksmith.
Arrayed, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly lamprioter hanged to disposition, as post.
Arrest,
v.
Formally
t.
to detain
one accused
of unusualness.
God made
the world in six days and
was
The Unauthorized
arrested on the seventh.
Version.
Arsenic,
kind of cosmetic greatly
n.
ed by the
whom
ladies,
it
affect-
greatly affects in
turn.
"Eat arsenic?
Yes,
all
you get,"
Consenting, he did speak up; 'Tis
better
Than
put
you should eat it
in
my
it,
pet,
teacup."
Joel Huck.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Art,
This word has no
n.
origin
is
One
wag
day
Shifted
And
Fantastic
And And
To
it
cipher
was
priests
Its
S. J.
what would the wretch be at?
letter
said
definition.
by the ingenious
related as follows
Father Gassalasca Jape,
27
RAT, name!
god's
and postulants
Straight
arose
(with shows,
and mummeries, and hymns,
mysteries,
disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
serve his temple and maintain the
Expound
fires,
the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace the
rites attend,
Believe whatever they cannot comprehend.
And,
Half-hairs joined so and so
Have
Than
sweeter values and
Nature's
hairs
sell their
Artlessness, to
who
is
Art can do)
never
sacrificial
been
split.
feasts,
priests.
certain engaging quality
n.
practice
fit
have
garments to support the
which women
severe
(as
grace more
that
Bring cates and wines for
And
two
inly edified to learn that
attain
by long study and
upon the admiring male,
pleased to fancy
it
resembles the can-
did simplicity of his young.
Asperse,
v.
t.
Maliciously
to
ascribe
to
another vicious actions which one has not
had the temptation and opportunity mit.
to
com-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
28 Ass,
no
good voice but
public singer with
n,
In Virginia City, Nevada, he
ear.
called the
Washoe Canary,
in
Dakota, the
The
Senator, and everywhere the Donkey.
animal
is
widely and variously celebrated
is
and religion of every
in the literature, art
age and country; no other so engages and the
fires
human imagination
vertebrate.
(Ramasilus, tatus,
and
Indeed,
it
lib, II.,
De
is
such
we know
the Etruscans, and, robious,
if
it
doubted by some if it is
god;
not
was worshiped by
we may
by the Cupasians
two animals admitted
noble
this
Clem., and C. Stan-
De Temperamente)
as
as
believe
also.
into the
Mac-
Of the only Mahometan
Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried
Balaam
is
one, the
the Seven Sleepers the other.
small
distinction.
dog of
This
From what
is
no
been
has
written about this beast might be compiled library of great splendor and magnitude, rivaling that of the Shakspearean cult, that
which
clusters about
be
said, generally, that all literature
or
less
Asinine.
"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!
It is
and
may
more
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Great co-Creator,
God made
Thy
let
else; the
all
29
glory shine:
Mule, the Mule
is
thine!"
G.
Auctioneer,
The
w.
hammer
with
J,
proclaims
that he has picked
pocket
with his tongue.
Australia,
country lying in the South
n.
whose
Sea,
industrial
and
commercial
development has been unspeakably retarded
by an unfortunate dispute among ers
as
whether
to
it
continent or
is
an
island.
AVERNUS,
The
n.
lake by
which the
ancients
entered the infernal regions.
The
access to the infernal regions
was obtained
by
lake
Ansello
is
believed by the learned
Scrutator
Christian
rite
of
to
have
baptism
fact that
Marcus
suggested
the
by immersion.
This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to
be an error.
Facilis descensus Averni,
The poet remarks; and the Of it is that when down-hill
sense
turn
Will get more of punches than pence. Jehal Dai Lupe,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
30
Baal,
An
n.
old deity formerly
much wor-
shiped under various names. As Baal he was
popular with the Phoenicians;
Belus or
as
Bel he had the honor to be served by the
who wrote
priest Berosus,
count of the Deluge
as
the famous ac-
Babel he had
tower
rect re cted ed to his glory on the Plain of
part pa rtly ly
From Babel comes our
Shinar.
English
word "babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As Beelzebub he of
is
the
the
sun's
god
as
abundant
still
is
Belly he
flies,
is
sacrifice
which are begotten
on stagnant water.
rays
Physicia Baal
and
of
worshiped
In
as Bolus,
adored and served with
by the
priests of Guttle-
dom.
Babe or Baby, particular
w.
age,
misshapen creature of no sex,
or
condition,
chiefly
remarkable for the violence of the sympathies
and
itself
antipathies
it
without sentiment
have been famous babes
excites
in
others,
mo io ion. n.
There
for example,
little
Moses, from whose adventure in the bul-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE rushes
31
Egyptian hierophants of seven
the
centuries before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris
being preserved on
floating lotus leaf. Ere babes were invented
The
girls
were contented.
Now man
tormented
is
Until to buy babes he has squandered
And
money.
have pondered
so
This thing, and thought may
'T were
The
First
better that
Baby
had been eagled or condored.
Ro
Bacchus,
mil.
convenient deity invented by
n,
the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Is
public worship,
That
for
then,
devotions
paid
sin.
to
Bacchus
The lictors dare to run us in. And resolutely thump and whack
us? Jorace.
Back,
n.
That part
your privilege
of your friend
to
which
it is
contemplate in your ad-
versity.
Backbite, find
v.
t.
To
him when he
speak of
man
you.
as
you
THE COLLECTED WORKS
32 Bait,
preparation that renders the hook
n,
more
The
palatable.
Baptism,
beauty.
is
sacred rite of such eiBcacy
w.
who
that he
best kind
heaven without
finds himself in
having undergone
it
unhappy
will be
performed with water
for-
two
in
ever.
It
ways
by immersion, or plunging, and by
is
aspersion, or sprinkling.
But whether the plan
of
immersion
Is better than simple aspersion
Let those immersed
And
those aspersed
Decide by the Authorized Version,
And
by matching their agues
tertian.
G.J.
Barometer, which
An
w.
indicates
ingenious
what kind
instrument
of weather
we
are having.
Barrack,
house in which soldiers enjoy
w.
portion of that of which
it is
their business
to deprive others.
Basilisk,
n.
The
sort of ser-
cockatrice.
pent hatched from the tgg of basilisk
had
eye,
and
its
cock.
The
glance was
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Many
fatal.
deny
infidels
existence, but
this
33
creature's
Semprello Aurator saw and
handled one that had been blinded by ning
punishment
as
gazed on
lady of
light-
having fatally
rank
whom
Jupiter
Juno afterward restored the reptile's and hid it in cave. Nothing is so well
loved. sight
by the ancients
attested
as the existence of
the basilisk, but the cocks have stopped laying.
Bastinado,
n.
The
act of
walking on wood
without exertion.
Bath,
kind of mystic ceremony
n.
substit-
uted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.
The man who
He
steam
taketh
bath
loseth all the skin he hath,
And,
for he's boiled
Thinketh
brilliant red,
to cleanliness he's
Forgetting that his
With
wed.
he's soiling
dirty vapors of the boiling.
Richard
Battle, teeth
n.
method
of
untying with the
political knot that
to the tongue.
Gwow,
would not
yield
THE COLLECTED WORKS
34
The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly execrate the absurd
Beard,
n.
Chinese custom of shaving the head.
Beauty, charms
lover and terrifies
Befriend, Beg,
v,
To
v.
woman
The power by which
n.
t.
To make
husband.
an ingrate.
ask for something with an earnest-
ness proportioned to the belief that
it
will
not be given.
Who
is
that, father?
mendicant, child,
Haggard, morose, and unaffable
how he glares through With Citizen Mendicant all
^wild!
See
Why
his cell! is
not well.
put him there, father? Because
Obeying
his
belly
he
struck
at
the
laws.
His belly?
Oh, state in
well, he
was
starving,
which, doubtless, there's
No bite had he eaten Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!"
and
little
my
boy
of joj^
his cry
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
35
What's the matter with pie?
With
To
to wear,
little
he had nothing to
beg was unlawful
Why
didn't he
improper as well.
work?
He But men
sell;
would even have done
"Get out!" and the
said:
that,
State remarked:
"Scat!"
mention these incidents merely to show
That
Revenge, at the
But
was uncommonly low.
the vengeance
best, is the act of
Siou,
for trifles
Pray what did bad Mendicant do Stole
two
And
tuck out the belly that clung to his back.
loaves of bread to replenish his lack
Is that all father
dear?
There
They
The And
sent
him
to jail,
and
they'll
company's better than here
is little
to tell:
send him to
we
^well,
can boast,
there's
Bread for
dear father?
Um
toast.
Atka Mip,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
36
Beggar,
One who
w.
has relied on the
assist-
ance of his friends.
Behavior,
Conduct,
n.
be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach
Holobom's in the
Dies
translation of the following lines Irce
Recordare, Jesu
Quod sum
Ne me
pie,
causa tuae
perdas
Whose
Savior,
hand that gave your
the thoughtless
Pardon such behavior.
Death-blow.
Belladonna,
viae.
ilia die.
Pray remember,
in
determined, not by
by breeding. The word seems
principle, but to
as
In Italian
n.
deadly
English
example of the
beautiful lady; striking
poison.
essential identity of the
two
tongues.
Benedictines, wise
known
She thought
monk
it
n.
as
An
black
order of monks otherfriars.
crow, but
it
turned out to be
of St. Benedict croaking
text.
"Here's one of an order of cooks," said she
"Black
friars in this
world, fried black in the next."
''The Devil on Earth'"
{London, 1712).
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Benefactor, of
chases
37
One who makes heavy
n.
without,
ingratitude,
however,
materially affecting the price, which
within the means of
Berenice's Hair, Berenices)
all.
{Coma one who sac-
in
honor of
her hair to save her husband.
rificed
Her
locks an ancient lady gave
Her
loving husband's
And men Upon some But
dame
they
honored
stars
bestowed her name.
so
the
fair,
give their lords to save their hair,
stellar
There
save;
life to
our modern married
to
Who'd
No
is still
constellation
n.
named
pur-
recognition's given.
are not stars enough in heaven.
G.
Bigamy,
mistake in taste for which the
n.
wisdom
of the future will adjudge
punish-
ment called trigamy. Bigot,
n.
One who
is
obstinately and zeal-
ously attached to an opinion that you do entertain.
Billingsgate, ent.
n.
The
invective of an oppon-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
38
Birth,
As
The
n.
first
and
to the nature of
it
direst of all disasters.
there appears to be no
Castor and Pollux were born
uniformity.
from the ^gg, Pallas came out of skull. Galatea was once block of stone. Peresilis,
who wrote
in the tenth century, avers that
he grew up out of the ground where
had
spilled holy water.
It
is
Arimaxus was derived from earth,
made by
comedon was iEtna, and
Blackguard,
that
hole in the
Leu-
ight ig htni ni g.
have myself seen
Mount man come
cellar.
man whose
w.
pared for display like
market
known
cavern in
the son of
wine
out of
stroke of
priest
fine
box of berries
ones on
opened on the wrong
qualities, pre-
top
side.
in
have been
An
inverted
gentleman.
Blank-verse,
Unrhymed iambic
n.
the most difficult kind of English
meters
verse to write acceptably;
much
penta-
affected
kind, therefore,
by those who cannot accepta-
bly write any kind.
Body-snatcher,
One who
n.
robber of grave-worms.
supplies the
young physicians with
OF AMBROSE BIERCE which the
that
physicians
The
plied the undertaker.
"One
sup-
hyena.
doctor said, "last
night,"
39
fall,
my comrades, four in all, When visiting graveyard stood
and
Within the shadow of
"While waiting
We
saw
wall.
for the
new-made
Begin to excavate
its
grave, and then
brink!
"Shocked by the horrid
And,
to sink
wild hyena slink
About
sally
moon
act,
we made
from our ambuscade. falling
on the unholy
Dispatched him with
beast,
pick and spade." Bettel
Bondsman,
w.
fool
who, having property
of his own, undertakes to for that entrusted
K, Jhones,
become responsible
by another
to
third.
Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint
one of his favorites, to
dissolute
high ofHce, asked him what security he
would be
able to give.
"I need no bonds-
men," he replied, "for
word the
nobleman,
of honor."
can give you
my
"And pray what may be
value of that?" inquired the amused
Regent. in gold."
"Monsieur,
it is
worth
its
weight
THE COLLECTED WORKS
40 Bore,
person
n.
him
who
talks
when you wish
to listen.
Botany,
The
n.
that are not are.
vegetables
good
well as those that
largely with
deals
It
to eat, as
their
flowers,
which are commonly badly designed, and
istic in color,
Boundary,
its
n.
inart-
ill-smelling.
Having
Bottle-nosed, ad]. the image of
those
nose created in
maker.
In
political
geography,
an
imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the
imaginary rights of the other.
Bounty, much,
w.
The
liberality of
in permitting
one
who
one
who
has
has nothing to
get all that he can. single
swallow,
of insects every year. take to be in
providing
Ward
said,
The
devours ten millions
supplying of these insects
signal instance of the Creator's for
the lives of
His creatures.
bounty
Henry
Beecher.
Brahma, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed
OF AMBROSE BIERCE by Siva than
rather neater division of labor
found among the
is
41
other nations.
The
deities
of
some
Abracadabranese, for
example, are created by Sin, maintained by
The
Theft and destroyed by Folly. of
Brahma,
like those of the
are holy and learned
ese,
priests
Abracadabran-
men who
are never
naughty. Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the
Hindoo Trinity,
calm and securely, You sit there With feet folded up so demurely You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith.
Brain,
An
n.
apparatus with which
we
think
we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. man of great wealth, or one who has been that
pitchforked into high station, has
such
commonly
headful of brain that his neighbors
cannot keep their hats on. ation,
and under our republican form of
government, brain it is
civiliz-
is
so highly
honored that
rewarded by exemption from
of office.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
42
Brandy,
cordial
n,
composed of one part one
thunder-and-lightning,
two parts
part
remorse,
one part
hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified
headful
Satan, Dose, is
said
all
by Dr. Johnson
of heroes.
Only
the time. to
Brandy
be the drink
hero will venture to drink
it.
Bride,
woman
n.
with
fine prospect of
happiness behind her.
Brute,
w.
Caaba,
n.
angel
See Husband.
large stone presented
by the arch-
Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham,
and preserved
at
The
patriarch had
perhaps asked the archangel for bread.
Cabbage,
n.
familiar kitchen-garden veget-
able about as
large and wise
as
man's
head.
The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, prince who on ascending the throne issued decree appointing High Council of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Empire
When
the royal garden.
measures of
spicuously several
it
of his
and the cabbages
predecessor's Ministry
ty's
members
consisting of the
43
any of his Majesmiscarried con-
state policy
was gravely announced
members
of the
been beheaded, and his
in
that
High Council had murmuring subjects
were appeased.
Calamity,
more than commonly plain
n.
and unmistakable reminder that the of this life are not of our
own
Calamities are of two kinds ourselves,
Callous,
and good fortune
ordering.
misfortune to
to others.
Gifted with great fortitude to
adj.
bear
affairs
evils afflicting another.
When Zeno
was told
that
one of
his
enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved.
"What!"
disciples,
"you weep
enemy?"
"Ah,
Stoic; "but
death of
Calumnus,
'tis
at
said one of
his
death of
an
the
true," replied the great
you should
see
me
smile at the
friend."
n,
graduate of the School for
THE COLLECTED WORKS
44
Camel,
quadruped (the Splaypes hump-
n,
There are two kinds
ness.
show
of great value to the
idorsus)
busi-
of camels
camel proper and the camel improper. is
the latter that
Cannibal,
who
is
the It
always exhibited.
gastronome of the old school
n.
preserves the simple tastes and adheres
to the natural diet of the
Cannon,
An
n.
re-pork period.
instrument employed in the
rectification of national boundaries.
Canonicals,
The motley worn by
n.
Jesters
Court of Heaven. Capital,
n.
The
seat of
which provides the the table
misgovernment. That
fire,
the pot, the dinner,
and the knife and fork for the
anarchist; the part of the repast that himself
supplies
is
the
Capital Punishment,
disgrace
penalty
the justice and expediency of
worthy persons
including
all
regarding
which many the assassins
entertain grave misgivings.
Carmelite, of
n.
mendicant friar of the order
Mount Carmel.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE As Death was
45
a-rfding out one day,
Mount Carmel he took his way, Where he met mendicant monk, Some
With
three or four quarters drunk,
holy leer and
Ragged and
Who
as saucy as sin,
held out his hands and cried: give in Charity's name,
*'Give,
Give
and
fat
pious grin,
in the
name
pray.
of the Church.
give,
Give that her holy sons may live!"
And Death Smiling "I'll
Of From By
and wide:
long
give,
With
replied.
holy father,
rattle
give
thee—a
ride."
and bang
his bones, his
I'll
he sprang
famous Pale Horse, with
his spear;
the neck and the foot
Seized the fellow, and put
Him
astride
with his face to the
The Monarch
laughed loud with
Like clods on the
"Ho, ho! Will
Of
coffin's
sound that
beggar on horseback, they
flat
of his dart
say.
and thump on the rump
the charger, which galloped away.
Faster and faster and faster
it
flew,
Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that
By
fell
sounding shell:
ride to the devil!"
Fell the
rear.
the road were
dim and blended and blue
To
the wild, wide eyes
Of
the rider
grew
THE COLLECTED WORKS
46
Resembling
couple of blackberry
Death laughed
At
again,
tomb might laugh
as
burial service spoiled,
And the mourners* intentions By the body erecting further proceedings in
Many Have
foiled
head and objecting
Its
To
pies.
year and
behalf.
its
many
day
passed since these events away.
dusty The monk has long been And Death has never recovered
For the
hold of
friar got
its
corse, his
horse.
tail,
And steered it within the pale Of the monastery gray. was stabled and fed Where With barley and oil and bread Till fatter
And
so
it
grew than the
fattest friar,
due course was appointed
in
Prior.
G.J.
Carnivorous,
Addicted
ad].
to the cruelty of
devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs
and
assigns.
Cartesian,
famous
adj.
Relating
philosopher,
to
author
brated dictum, Cogito ergo
he was pleased the reality of
to
Descartes, of
sum
the
cele-
^whereby
suppose he demonstrated
human
existence.
The dictum
might be improved, however, thus: Cogito
OF AMBROSE BIERCE ergo
cogito
sum
cogito
think, therefore
"I
47
think
am
think that
that as close
an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Cat^
soft,
n.
indestructible automaton pro-
vided by nature
go wrong
to
be kicked
when
things
in the domestic circle.
This
dog,
is
This This
cat,
is
frog,
is
This
rat.
is
Run, dog, mew,
Jump,
frog,
cat.
gnaw,
rat.
Elevenson.
Caviler,
critic of
n.
Cemetery,
An
w.
our own work.
where mourners match target
The
and
lies,
following
the
success
spot
poets write at
wager.
stone-cutters spell for
inscriptions
illustrate
suburban
isolated
will
serve
attained
to
these
Olympian games: His virtues were so conspicuous that
his enemies,
unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to
whose loose
them ily,
as vices.
who
they were
lives
They
are here
shared them.
rebuke,
represented
commemorated by
his
fam-
48
THE COLLECTED WORKS we
In the earth
Place to lay our
here prepare little
Clara.
Thomas M. and Mary Gabriel will raise her.
P. S.
Centaur^
Frazer.
One
n.
race of persons
of
who
lived before the
labor had been
carried to such
pitch of differentiation,
and who followed the primitive economic
maxim, "Every man best of the lot
dom and
own horse." The was Chiron, who to the wishis
of
man.
The
fleetness of
horse
the
virtues
scripture story of the
head of John the Baptist on that
added the
charger shows
pagan myths have somewhat
sophistic-
ated sacred history.
Cerberus, duty
it
whom
n.
was
The watch-dog to
Hades, whose
guard the entrance
or what
does
everybody, sooner or
not clearly later,
had
to
against
appear;
go there,
and nobod nobod
want wa nted ed
to carry off the entrance.
Cerberus
known
to
is
have had three heads,
have credited him
and some of
many
hundred. Professor Gray-
with
as
bill,
whose clerky erudition and profound
as
knowledge of Greek give weight, has averaged
all
his opinion great
the estimates, and
AMBROSE BIERCE makes the number twenty-seven
ment
would be
that
49 judg-
entirely conclusive if
known
Professor Graybill had
(a)
some-
thing about dogs, and (b) something about arithmetic.
Childhood,
The
n.
period of
human
life
intermediate between the idiocy of infancy
and the
folly of
the
of
sin
two removes from
youth
manhood and
three
from the
remorse of age.
Christian,
who
n.
Testament
believes that the
book
is
admirably suited his neighbor.
New
to the
spiritual needs of
One who
follows the teach-
ings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
with
dreamed
The
life of sin.
stood upon
hill,
and, lo!
godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments
With
pious mien, appropriately sad.
While
all
the church bells
fire-alarm to those
Then saw With
clad,
Whose
lived
solemn din sin.
gazing thoughtfully below.
tranquil face,
tall,
who
made
upon that holy show
spare figure in eyes diffused
robe of white.
melancholy
light.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
50
"God
No
doubt (your habit shows
And
entertain
yet
It
raised his eyes
made me with
Replied
his
"What!
it)
the hope
Like these good people, are
He
"You
exclaimed.
keep you, stranger,"
arc
from afar;
that you,
Christian too."
and with
look so stern
thousand blushes burn
manner with Christian?
disdain
was
spiced:
No, indeed!
I'm Christ."
G.J.
Circus,
place where horses, ponies and
w.
men,
elephants are permitted to
and children acting the
Clairvoyant,
fool.
person,
n.
women
commonly
woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron namely, that he
blockhead.
is
Clarionet,
n.
operated by
An
instrument
torture
person with cotton in his ears.
There are two instruments than
of
lari la rion on
two
that are worse
clarionets.
man who undertakes the Clergyman, n. management of our spiritual affairs as method of bettering his temporal ones. Clio,
n.
tion
One
was
of the nine Muses.
to preside
over history
Clio's func-
^which she
OF AMBROSE BIERCE did with great dignity,
of the
Athens occupying
of
ent citizens
many
51
prominseats
on
the platform, the meetings being addressed
by Messrs. Xenophon,
other
popular speakers.
Clock^
machine of great moral value
n.
man, allaying
concern for the future by
his
reminding him what to
to
lot of
time remains
him.
busy
man
complained one day
"I get no time!"
"What's that you say?"
Cried out his friend,
"You
have,
sir,
all
the time there
is.
There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt
We're never
it
for an hour writhout it."
Purzil Crofe.
Unduly desirous of keepwhich many meritorious persons
Close-fisted^ adj. ing that
wish
to obtain.
"Close-fisted
To
Scotchman!"
thrifty J.
Macpherson
me I'm ready With any vvrorthy
"See
Johnson
to divide
person."
cried
THE COLLECTED WORKS
52
"That
Said Jamie:
is
very true
The boast requires no And all are worthy, sir,
Who
backing; to you,
have what you are lacking."
M.
Anita
CCENOBITE, self
up
ness;
man who
w.
piously shuts him-
meditate upon the sin of wicked-
to
and
Bobe.
to
keep
fresh in his
it
mind
joins
brotherhood of awful examples. Coenobite,
coenobite,
Monastical gregarian.
You
That
With
from the anchorite,
differ
solitudinarian:
vollied
you wound Old
prayers
With dropping
shots he
makes him
Nick;
sick.
Quincy
Comfort,
n,
state
contemplation of
Commendation, to
of
Giles.
mind produced by
neighbor's uneasiness.
n.
The
tribute that
we pay
achievements that resemble, but do not
equal, our own.
Commerce,
n,
kind of transaction in which
plunders from
the goods of C, and for
compensation
picks the pocket of
money belonging
to E.
of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Commonwealth,
An
n.
53
administrative ent-
operated by an incalculable multitude of
ity
political parasites, logically active but fort-
uitously efficient. This commonwealth's
hungry and Indolent crew
So thronged with
Of
capitol's corridors view,
and
clerks, pages, porters
Whom That
Nor
On
rascals appoint
attaches
all
and the populace pays
cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins
hear
its
clerks
own
shriek for the noise of their chins.
and on pages, and
porters,
and
all,
Misfortune attend and disaster befall
May May May
life
be to them
fleas
by the bushel inhabit their
aches and diseases
Their lungs
May
succession of hurts;
of
full
shirts;
encamp
bones,
bladders
tubercles,
of
stones;
microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest.
And tapeworms
securely
their
bowels digest;
May
corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair,
And
frequent impalement their pleasure impair.
Disturbed
Of
dreams by the awful discourse
be their
audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse,
wave veri ring ng floors By chairs acrobatic an wa The mattress that kicks and the pillow
that snores!
Sons of cupidity, cradled In sin!
Your
criminal
ranks
Avenging the friend
Compromise^
n.
may
whom
the
death
angel
couldn't
work
thin. in.
Such an adjustment of con-
flicting interests as
each adversary the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
54
satisfaction of thinking he has got
ought not
to have,
and
what was
Compulsion^ Condole,
v,
The
n.
deprived of no-
justly his due.
eloquence of power.
To show
i.
is
what he
that bereavement
is
smaller evil than sympathy.
Conf Co nfid idan ant, t, Co Conf nfid idan ante te
n.
One
entrusted
with the secrets of B, confided by him
by to C.
Congratulation, Congress,
The
n.
civility of envy.
body of men who meet
n.
to
repeal laws.
Connoisseur,
specialist
n.
everything about
about anything
An in
who knows and
something
nothing
else.
old wine-bibber having been smashed
railway collision, some wine was poured
upon
his
1873," he
lips
to
revive
murmured and
Conservative,
n.
him.
"Pauillac,
died.
statesman
who
is
enam-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE ored of existing the
evils, as
who
Liberal,
55
distinguished from replace them
wishes
with others.
Consolation^
man
is
n.
more unfortunate than
Consul,
In American
n.
who having the people tion
The knowledge
that
better
yourself.
person
politics,
failed to secure an office
is
given one by the Administra-
on condition that he leave
Consult,
v.
To
t.
from tr
seek another's approval of
course already decided on.
Contempt, n. The for an enemy who to
el is
prudent
of
man
too formidable safely
be opposed.
Controversy,
which
battle in
n.
spittle
or
cannon-ball and
ink replaces the inconsiderate bayonet. In controversy with the
That
facile
bloodless warfare
seek
That on
tongue
the old
and young
your adversary to engage himself he
And,
like
With
his
exhaust his rage, to
that's
own
fangs
inflict
the
fatal
the
ground,
wound.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
56 You
me how this miracle is done? Adopt his own opinions, one by one, And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath ask
He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path.
Advance then gently
all
you wish
to prove.
Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've So well remarked,"
And
or,
cannot dispute,"
This view of
it
"As you wisely
"By
or,
which, better
To
the way.
far
expressed,
Then
Runs through your argument."
say.
leave the rest
him, secure that he'll perform his trust
And
prove your views intelligent and
just.
Conmore Apel Brune.
Convent^
retirement for
n.
who wish
for leisure to meditate
women
upon the
vice of idleness.
Conversation, the
w.
fair for the display of
minor mental commodities, each
hibitor being too intent
ment of
his
own wares
ex-
upon the arrangeto observe those of
his neighbor.
Coronation,
n.
The ceremony
of investing
sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to
with
dynamite bomb.
blown skyhigh
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Corporal^
man who
n.
57
occupies the lowest
rung of the military ladder. Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to
tell,
Our corporal heroically fell! Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." Giacomo Smith.
Corporation,
An
n.
ingenious
device
for
obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
Corsair,
politician of the seas.
n.
Court Fool, Coward,
n.
perilous emergency
in
his legs.
fool's substitute for brains.
n.
Crayfish,
plaintiff.
One who
n.
thinks
Craft,
The
small crustacean very
w.
resembling the lobster, but In
this
admirably
small fish figured
crayfish doth retrospection,
take
it
much
less indigestible.
human wisdom
that
and symbolized;
for
whereas
is
the
move only backward, and can have only seeing
naught
but
the
perils
already
58
THE COLLECTED WORKS passed,
wisdom
the
so
man
of
doth not enable him
the follies that beset his course, but only to
to avoid
apprehend their nature afterward.
Sir
James Meri-
vale.
Creditor,
One
«.
of
of
tribe
savages
dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and
dreaded for their desolating incursions.
Cremona,
high-priced violin
n.
made
in
Connecticut. Critic,
person
n,
to please because
There
who
nobody
Beyond the Jordan's saints,
as
His
He
please him.
he legs
pelt
flood,
apparelled
Fling back the
And
tries to
land of pure delight,
is
Where
boasts himself hard
critic's
it
all
in white,
mud.
through the
skies,
sable hue,
sorrows sore to recognize
The
missiles that
he threw.
Orrin Goof.
Cross,
n.
An
ancient religious symbol errone-
ously supposed to
owe
most solemn event ianity,
its
significance to the
in the history of Christ-
but really antedating
it
by thousands
OF AMBROSE BIERCE By many
of years.
it
has been believed to
be identical with the crux ansata cient phallic worship, but
even beyond
primitive peoples.
rites of
the an-
has been traced
it
we know
all that
59
of that, to the
We
have to-day
White Cross as symbol of chastity, and badge of benevolent neuthe Red Cross as Having in mind the former, trality in war. the
the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following:
"Be
good
Cry out And,
!"
the sisterhood
holy chorus,
in
to dissuade
from
parade
sin,
Their various charms before
But why,
us.
why, has ne'er an eye
Seen her of winsome manner
And
youthful grace and pretty face
Flaunting the White Cross banner
Now To
where's the need of speech and screed better our behaving?
simpler plan for saving
(But,
Is,
first,
dears,
is
he worth saving?)
when he
From bad Ignores the
man
declines to
flee
thoughts that beset him,
Law
And wants
as
't
to sin
straw, don't let him.
60
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Cui Bono? do me}
What good would
(Latin)
that
Cunning, n. The faculty that distinguishes weak animal or person from strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisand great material
faction
Italian proverb says: skins of
Cupid,
more
"The
so-called
appropriate reasonless
Of
all
for the
unbeautiful and in-
conceptions
and
This
of love.
upon mythology
inflicted
sins of its deities.
god
barbarous fancy was
bastard creation of
no doubt
furrier gets the
foxes than asses."
The
w.
An
adversity.
this
offensive.
is
The
symbolizing sexual love by
the
most
notion
of
semisexless
babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the
wounds
this
pudgy homunculus
of
arrow
an
of
introducing
into art grossly to
materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the
work
this
is
the age that, giving
eminently worthy of
it
birth, laid
it
on the
doorstep of posterity.
Curiosity,
n.
An
female mind. or not
objectionable quality of the
The
woman
is
desire to
know whether
cursed with curiosity
is
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
61
one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
Curse,
v,
Energetically to belabor with
t.
verbal slap-stick. This
is
an operation which
in literature, particularly in the
commonly but
cursing
is
Nevertheless,
fatal to the victim.
the liability to
drama,
risk that cuts
is
small figure in fixing the rates of life
insurance.
Cynic,
glackguard whose
n.
au ty vi visi sion on
sees things as they are, not as they be.
Hence
the custom
of plucking out
among
ought
to
the Scythians
cynic's eyes to
improve
his
vision.
Damn,
word formerly
v,
the Paphlagonians, the is
lost.
it
is
By
meaning
of
which
Gak
the learned Dr. Dolabelly
believed to have been
faction,
used by
term of
satis-
implying the highest possible degree
of mental tranquillity.
the contrary, thinks
it
Professor Groke, on
expressed
tion of tumultuous delight, because
an emoit
so
re-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
62
quently occurs in combination
jod or god, meaning "joy."
with great diffidence that
word would be the
It
should advance
an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
Dance^
V,
i.
To
about to the sound of
tittering music, preferably
with arms about
your neighbor's wife or daughter. are
many
kinds
of
but
dances,
There
all
those
requiring the participation of the two sexes
common: they innocent, and warmly
have two characteristics are conspicuously
in
loved by the vicious.
Danger,
n.
savage beast which,
Man But
it
sleeps,
girds at and despises,
takes himself
And
when
away by
bounds when
leaps
it arises.
Ambat
Daring, ities
w.
of
Datary,
One of man
Roman function
the most conspicuous qual-
high ecclesiastic
n.
Delaso.
official of the
Catholic Church, whose important is
to
brand the Pope's bulls with
OF AMBROSE BIERCE words Datum
the
He
Roma.
63
enjoys
princely revenue and the friendship of God.
Dawn^
The
when men of reason go Certain old men prefer to rise
n.
to
bed.
at
about
time
cold bath and
taking
long walk
with
empty stomach,
an
otherwise mortifying the
flesh.
and
They then
point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of
them.
The
reason
we
sons doing this thing
the others
Day,
n.
who have
find only robust per-
that
is
tried
it
has
all
it.
period of twenty-four hours, mostly
misspent. parts, the
improper
This period
divided into two
is
day proper and the nighty or day the
former
devoted to
sins
of
business, the latter consecrated to the other
kinds
sort.
of
social
activity
overlap.
Dead,
ad].
Done with
With
all
the
work
the world
of
the
breathing;
mad
race run
done
THE COLLECTED WORKS
64
Through
to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be
hole!
Squatol Johnes,
Debauchee,
One who
n.
has so earnestly
pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake
Debt,
n.
An
it.
ingenious substitute for the chain
and whip of the
slave-driver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet
Swims round and round
his
tank to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,
Nor
that enfolds him;
ever sees
So the poor debtor, seeing na naug ught ht ar arou ound nd him.
Yet
narrow
feels the
limits that
impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies to evade
And
finds
at
last
he might as well have paid
Barlow
Decalogue, ten in
n.
number
it.
series
just
of
S.
it.
Vode.
commandments,
enough
to
permit an
intelligent selection for observance, but not
enough is
to
embarrass the choice.
Following
the revised edition of the Decalogue, calc-
ulated for this meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore: Twere too expensive to have more.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE No
images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll
to break.
Take not God's name
when
time
Work
it
in vain; select
will have effect.
not on Sabbath days at
all,
But go
to see the teams play ball.
Honor
thy parents.
For
65
That
insurance lower rates.
life
Kill not, abet not those
Thou
creates
shalt not
who
kill
pay thy butcher's
bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own Don't
steal
doth caress.
thou'lt never thus
Successfully in business.
Bear not
false witness
But "hear
'tis
rumored
compete
Cheat.
is
low
and
so."
that so
Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook
Decide,
v.
i.
ance of one
or crook,
or somehow, got.
To succumb
to the
set of influences
preponder-
over another
set.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
66
leaf
was riven from
mean
The
tree,
to fall to earth," said he.
west wind,
rising,
made him
now
"Eastward," said he, "I
The
east
Said
he
With
He
wind
hall ha ll
eer. ee r.
rose with greater force.
'Twere
wise
to
change
my
course."
equal power they contend.
"My
said:
Down Cried:
veer.
judgment
suspend."
winds; the
leaf, elate.
"I've decided to fall straight."
"First thoughts are best?"
own and
Just choose your
That's not the moral; not quarrel.
we'll
Howe'er your choice may chance You'll have no hand in
it
to fall,
at all.
G.J.
Defame,
v.
To
lie
about another.
To
tell
the truth about another.
Defenceless,
Degenerate,
adj.
ad].
Unable
Less conspicuously admir-
able than one's ancestors. aries of
Homer were
degeneracy;
it
to attack.
The contempor-
striking examples of
required ten of them to raise
OF AMBROSE BIERCE rock or
Homer
one of the heroes of
riot that
war could have
the Trojan
never
tires of
raised with ease.
sneering at
these degenerate days,"
why
haps
they
suffered
bread
marked
for evil,
by the way, for
him
bidden
67
"men who
which
him
to
beg
instance of returning if
would
he
per-
is
his
good
they had for-
have
certainly
starved.
Degradation,
n.
One
of the stages of moral
and social progress from private station
to
political preferment.
Deinotherium, that flourished fashion. its
The
An
w.
when latter
pachyderm
the Pterodactyl
was
was
in
native of Ireland,
name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or
Peter O'Dactyl, as the
may it
extinct
chance
to
man pronouncing
have heard
it
it
spoken or seen
printed.
Dejeuner,
who
n.
has
The
breakfast of an
in
Paris.
American
Variously
pro-
nounced.
Delegation, icle of
n.
In American
politics,
merchandise that comes in
an
sets.
art-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
68
Deliberation,
n.
The
examining one's
act of
bread to determine which side
it
is
but-
tered on.
Deluge,
notable
w.
away
ic
baptism
experiment in
first
(and
the sins
of the world.
sinners)
Delusion,
The
n.
most respect-
father of
able family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith,
many All
Hope, Charity and
other goodly sons and daughters.
hail,
Delusion!
The world For Vice,
Would
fly
Were
not
it
we
turned topsy-turvy
for
thee
should see;
respectable with cleanly
fancies,
abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel,
Dentist,
prestidigitator
w.
who, putting
metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of
your pocket.
Dependent,
adj.
Reliant upon another's gen-
erosity for the support in
position to exact
Deputy,
w.
male
which you are not
from
his fears.
relative
holder, or of his bondsman.
of
an
office-
The deputy
is
OF AMBROSE BIERCE commonly
69
young man, with
beautiful
red necktie and an intricate system of cob-
webs extending from
When
his nose to his desk.
accidentally struck by the janitor's
broom, he gives
cloud of dust.
off
"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
"To-day the books are
to be tried
By experts and accountants who Have been commissioned to go through Our office here, to see if we Have stolen injudiciously. Please have the proper entries made,
The
proper balances displayed,
Conforming
Of
to the
cash on hand
I've long
Here
whole amount which they will count.
admired your punctual way
at the break
Confronting
in
and
close of day,
your chair the crowd
Of business men, whose voices And gestures violent you quell By some mysterious, calm spell Some magic lurking That
And
your look
brings the noisiest to book
holy and profound
spreads
Tranquillity o'er
So orderly
Who
in
loud
all's
all
around.
done that they
draw remain
to pay.
But now the time demands,
at last,
came
to
That you employ your In energies more
And
genius vast
active.
Rise
shake the lightnings from your eyes;
THE COLLECTED WORKS
70
Inspire your underlings, and fling
Your
The
spirit into
everything!"
Master's hand here dealt
Upon
whack
the Deputy's bent back,
When
straightway to the floor there
shrunken globe,
rattling shell,
blackened, withered, eyeless head!
The man had
twelvemonth dead.
been
Jamrach Holobom,
Destiny,
and
fool's
Diagnosis, ease
tyrant's
n.
excuse for failure. physician's forecast of dis-
n,
by the
Diaphragm,
authority for crime
patient's pulse
and purse.
muscular partition separ-
n.
ating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.
Diary, life,
daily record of that part of one's
w.
which he can
relate to himself
without
blushing. Hearst kept
diary wherein were writ
All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst Erased "I'll
all
entries of his
own and
judge you by your diary."
"Thank you;
'twill
show you
died,
cried:
Said Hearst:
am
Saint the First"
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
71
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
That record from
The Angel
pocket in his shroud.
slowly turned the pages
Each stupid
line
of
which he knew before.
Glooming and gleaming
On
as
by turns he
hit
shallow sentiment and stolen wit;
Then
"My
friend,
For big
And
gave
gravely closed the
this side the
Heaven has
ideas
little
Hell's no latitude for
said,
back.
The
to earth.
Mad
Philosopher
nation that pre-
chief of
fers the pestilence of
tomb
making mirth,"
"The
w.
track:
room,
and kicked the fellow back
Dictator,
it
youVe wandered from your proper
You'd never be content
He
o'er,
despotism to the plague
of anarchy.
Dictionary,
malevolent literary device
w.
cramping the growth of
for
making
hard and
it
tionary, however,
Die,
The
n.
language and
die
is
is
seldom
prohibit-
At long "The however, some one says:
cast,"
The word
We
singular of "dice."
proverb,
intervals,
dic-
most useful work.
is
hear the word, because there ory
This
inelastic.
is
"Never say
which found
is
die."
not true, for
in an
it is
cut.
immortal couplet
THE COLLECTED WORKS
72
by that eminent poet and domestic economist,
Depew:
Senator
cube of cheese no larger than
May
bait the trap to catch
Digestion,
When
virtues.
vices
The
n.
die
nibbling mie.
conversion of victuals into the
process
circumstance
are evolved instead
from which that wicked
miah Blenn,
imperfect,
is
writer. Dr. Jere-
infers that the ladies are the
greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
Diplomacy,
The
n.
patriotic art of lying for
one's country.
Disabuse,
v,
To
t.
present your neighbor
with another and better error than the one
which he has deemed
it
advantageous to
embrace.
Discriminate, in
v.
To
note the particulars
which one person or thing
is,
if
possible,
more objectionable than another. Discussion,
n.
method
others in their errors.
of
confirming
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Disobedience,
The
n.
73
silver lining
to
the
cloud of servitude.
Disobey, priate
v.
To
t.
celebrate with an appro-
com-
ceremony the maturity of
mand. His right to govern
me
is
clear
My
duty manifest to disobey;
And
if
that
May
observance e'er
fit
and duty be
alike
as
day,
shut
undone. Israfel
Dissemble,
v,
To
/.
put
Brown.
clean shirt
upon
the character. Let us dissemble.
Distance,
Adam,
The
n.
only thing that the rich
are willing for the poor to call theirs, and
keep.
Distress,
disease incurred
w.
to the prosperity of
Divination, occult.
n.
The
Divination
by exposure
friend.
art is
of
of as
nosing out the
many
kinds as
fruit-bearing varieties of the flow-
ering dunce and the early fool.
74
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Dog,
n,
kind of additional or subsidiary
Deity designed
Being
in
some of
incarnations
takes,
Woman, the human male
place
vival
catch the overflow and his smaller
the
in
glory never lay upon long, sun-soaked his master
and
He
seasoned with
and
of
no sur-
is
not,
in all his
door-mat
fly-fed
is
toils
Solomon
all
day
while
fat,
means wherewith
worked
purchase an idle
tail,
silkier
affection
The Dog
aspirant.
anachronism.
an
and
which there
to
neither does he spin, yet
to
This Div-
world's worship.
surplus ine
to
wag
of the
Solomonic
look of tolerant recog-
nition.
Dragoon,
soldier
n.
and steadiness
makes
his
who combines
in so equal
dash
measure that he
advances on foot and his retreats
on horseback.
Dramatist,
n.
One who
adapts plays from
the French.
Druids,
w.
Priests
and
ancient Celtic religion
of
an
which did not
dis-
ministers
dain to employ the humble allurement of
human
sacrifice.
Very
little is
now known
OF AMBROSE BIERCE about the Druids and their
75 Pliny
faith.
their religion, originating in Britain,
says
spread eastward as far as Persia.
who
those
says teries
went
desired
to
study
Caesar
mys-
its
Caesar himself went
to Britain.
but does not appear to have ob-
to Britain,
tained any high preferment in the Druidical
Church, although his talent for human
was considerable.
sacrifice
thei ei Druids performed th
groves,
reli re ligi giou ou
rites in
and knew nothing of church mort-
pew
gages and the season-ticket system of
They
rents.
as they
by
were, in short, heathens and
were once complacently catalogued
distinguished prelate of the
England
Duck-bill,
Church
of
your
re-
Dissenters.
Your account
n.
at
staurant during the canvas-back season.
Duel,
formal ceremony preliminary to
n.
the reconciliation skill
ance;
is
necessary to if
two enemies.
of
its
satisfactory observ-
awkwardly performed
unexpected
and
deplorable
lost his life in
the
duel.
most
consequences
ago
sometimes ensue.
Great
man
THE CX)LLECTED WORKS
76
That
gentlemanly vice
dueling's
hold; and wish that
To
my
live
husband
shot
debtor doubled in
miscreants there are,
To The
or slice
fish,
ready to be put upon the
Some
knot
ice.
whom
do long
way
or stab, or some such
shoot,
lot
considered nice
spud, or with
like
Bring down
And
it is
rival like
split
my
out in some favored spot
life
Some country where
To
had been
it
reclaim
scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,
seem to
see
It looks
Jauntily
them now
as
to
if
mighty throng.
challenge
me
they came.
marching with brass bands and banners!
Xamha Q. Dar,
Dullard,
dynasty in
came
in
member
w.
letters
and
life.
reigning
the
of
The Dullards
with Adam, and being both numer-
ous and sturdy have overrun the habitable
world.
The
secret of their
insensibility to
power
The Dullards came
originally
whence they were driven by crops.
their
dulness, having
For some
Philistia,
Philistines
and to
their
blows; tickle them with
bludgeon and they laugh with
ation,
is
centuries
many this
of
day.
platitude.
from
Boeotia,
stress of starv-
blighted
the
they infested
them
are
called
In the turbulent
times of the Crusades they withdrew thence
OF AMBROSE BIERCE and gradually overspread
all
77
Europe, occu-
pying most of the high places in art, literature,
politics,
science and theology.
Since
detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the
favorable
report of the country,
by
crease
Mayflower and made
birth, immigration,
most trustworthy
According
statistics the
of adult Dullards in the United
but
little
in-
and convers-
ion has been rapid and steady. to the
their
number
States
is
short of thirty millions, including
the statisticians.
The
intellectual centre of
somewhere about Peoria,
the race
is
but the
New
England Dullard
is
Illinois,
the most
shockingly moral.
Duty, the
That which
w.
direction of
sternly impels us in
profit,
along the line of
desire.
Sir
Lavender Portwine,
Was
wroth
in favor at court,
at his master,
His anger provoked him
But duty
prevailed,
who'd to
kissed
Lady
Port.
king's
head^
and he took the king's bread,
Instead.
G.
J.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
78
Eat,
v.
To perform
i.
the
cessfully)
successively (and suc-
functions
of
mastication,
humectation, and deglutition.
was
"I
my
in
the
drawing-room,
enjoying
dinner," said Brillat-Savarin, beginning
"What!" interrupted Roche-
an anecdote.
drawing-room?"
briant; "eating dinner in
"I must beg you to observe, monsieur," ex-
plained the great gastronome, "that
my
not say
was eating
ing
had dined an hour before."
it.
Eavesdrop,
v,
i.
did
dinner, but enjoy-
Secretly to overhear
cata-
logue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole Two female gossips The
heard, inside, in converse free
subject engaging
them was
"I think," said one, "and
That
As
she's
lady, indignant,
"I will not stay,"
"To
hear
my
husband thinks
prying, inquisitive minx!"
soon as no more of
The
my
she.
it
she could hear
removed her
she said,
ear.
with
character lied about
pout,
!"
Gopete Sherany.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Eccentricity,
method
n,
cheap that fools employ
so
of
79
distinction
to accentuate
it
their incapacity.
Economy,
n.
Purchasing the barrel of whis-
key that you do not need for the price of the
cow
you cannot
that
Good
Edible, adj. digest,
man Editor, ial
pig
pig,
to
toad to
toad,
to
snake to
snake,
and wholesome
to eat,
worm
as
afford.
man, and
to
worm.
to
who combines
person
n.
functions
and i^acus, but
is
Rhadamanthus
Minos,
of
the judic-
placable with an obolus
severely virtuous censor,
but so charit-
able withal that he tolerates the virtues of others and the vices of himself
about
him bunch of
admonition
its
lay, soft as the its
till
he
and re-
firecrackers petulantly
mind at the straightway murmurs
uttering
flings
lightning
sturdy thunders of
sembles
who
tail
cooing of
prayer to the evening
of
mild,
dog; then
melodious
donkey intoning star.
Master of
mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled
upon
throne of thought,
face suf-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
80
dim splendors
fused with the figuration,
tongue a-cheek, the editor along the paper and cuts suit.
And
at intervals
temple
is
and
intertwisted
legs
his
of the Trans-
it
his
spills
his
will
off in lengths to
from behind the
veil
heard the voice of the fore-
man demanding
three inches of wit and six
or bidding
medi dita tati tion on lines of religious me
him
wisdom and whack up some
turn off the pathos. O,
the
Lord of
Law
gilded impostor
Of
on the Throne of Thought, is
he.
shreds and patches his robes are wrought,
His crown
And
Himself
is
power
is
his
Pran Pr anki kily ly
brass,
is
an
ass,
fiddle-dee-dee.
cran cr anki kily ly prating of naught,
Silly old quilly old
Monarch
of
Thought.
Public opinion's camp-follower he,
Thundering,
blundering,
plundering
free.
Affected,
Ungracious, Suspected,
Mendacious, Respected contemporaree J.
Education,
n.
That which
H, Bumbleshook,
discloses to the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
81
wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Effect,
The
w.
second of two phenomena
which always occur together
The
order.
which
generate the other ible than
would be
it
dog except
seen
Cause,
called
first,
the
in
said to
no more sens-
is
for one
is
same
who
has never
in pursuit of
rabbit to
declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.
Egotist,
person of low
n.
terested in himself than in Megaceph, chosen
to
serve the
taste,
more
in-
me. State
In the halls of legislative debate,
One day
To The
with
all
his credentials
the Capitol's door
came
and announced
doorkeeper looked, with
And we
To
be
name.
comical twist
Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said "Go away, for we settle All manner of questions,
his
here
knotty and queer,
cannot have, when the speaker demands
how
told
man who
every
member
to all things
under the sky
Assents by eternally voting
Ejection,
n.
An
T."
approved remedy for the
disease of garrulity. in cases of
stands,
It
is
extreme poverty.
also
much
used
THE COLLECTED WORKS
82
Elector,
One who
w.
enjoys the sacred priv-
ilege of voting for the
man
of another man's
choice.
The power that causes all phenomena not known to be caused
Electricity, natural
n.
by something lightning,
and
its
is
incidents
that
career.
is
same thing
the
famous attempt
as
to strike
one of the most picturesque
Dr. Franklin in
It
else.
The memory
good
and
great
man's
Dr. Franklin
of
is
justly held in great reverence, particularly in France,
waxen
where
effigy of
him was
recently on exhibition, bearing the follow-
ing touching account of his
life
and services
to science
"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of illustrious
savant,
after
electricity.
This
having made several voyages
around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and
was devoured by
savages,
of
whom
not
single frag-
ment was ever recovered."
most
Electricity seems destined to play
important part in the
The to
question of
its
some purposes
is
arts
and
industries.
economical application still
unsettled, but ex-
periment has already proved that propel
street car better
give more light than
than
horse.
it
will
gas jet and
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Elegy,
83
composition in verse, in which,
n.
without employing any of the methods of
humor, the writer aims reader's tion.
mind
to
produce
in the
the dampest kind of dejec-
The most famous English example
begins somewhat like this:
The cur foretells the knell of parting day; The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; The wise man homeward plods; only stay
To
minor key.
fiddle-faddle in
Eloquence,
n.
The
white
fools
is
art of orally
the color that
It includes the gift of
persuading it
appears
making any
color appear white.
Elysium, try
n.
An
which the
imaginary delightful coun-
ancients foolishly believed
be inhabited by the
spirits
of
the
good.
This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept
ofip
the face of the earth by the early
Christians
may
their
souls
be happy in
Heaven Emancipation,
n.
bondman's
from the tyranny of another ism of himself.
change
to the despot-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
84
He was
slave:
His iron
Then
at
word he went
collar cut
him
to the bone.
Liberty erased his owner's name,
Tightened the
rivets
and inscribed
own.
his
G.
Embalm,
v,
To
t.
vegetation by lock-
ing up the gases
embalming
By
feeds.
it
their
J.
dead and thereby derang-
ing the natural balance between animal and vegetable
once
life,
fertile
the
Egyptians
made
their
and populous country barren
and incapable of supporting more than
The modern
meagre crew. casket
step in the
is
many
dead
ornamenting
same
metallic burial
man who ought now
his neighbor's
or enriching his table as
and
direction,
lawn
bunch of
to
as
be
tree,
radishes,
doomed to long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in is
the meantime the violet and rose are lang-
uishing for
nibble at his glutceus
max-
imus.
Emotion, by It
n.
prostrating
disease
caused
determination of the heart to the head. is
sometimes accompanied by
copious
discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium
from the
eyes.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Encomiast,
special
n.
85 partic-
ular) kind of liar.
End,
The
w.
either
position
hand from
The man was
Who
The
removed on
the Interlocutor. perishing apace
played the tambourine:
seal
'Twas "This
farthest
Is
of death
was on
his
face
pallid, for 'twas clean.
the end,"
man
the sick
said
In faint and failing tones.
moment
later he
was
dead,
And Ta Tamb mbou ouri rine ne wa
Bones.
Tinley Roquht,
Enough, you
like
Enough
All there
pro.
is
in the
world
if
it.
is
as
good as
feast
Enougher's as good as
feast
for that matter
and the
platter.
Arbely C, Strunk.
Entertainment, n. ment whose inroads
kind
of
amuse-
stop short of death
by
dejection.
Enthusiasm, able
n.
distemper of youth, cur-
by small doses of repentance
in connec-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
86
tion with
Byron,
ence. to
outward applications
call
it
who
"entuzy-muzy," had
which carried him Envelope,
The
n.
scabbard of the
bill
bed-gown of
Envy,
recovered long enough off
to
Missolonghi.
cofEn of
document; the
the husk of
remittance;
love-letter.
Emulation adapted
n.
relapse
to the
meanest
capacity.
Epaulet, to
n.
An
military officer from the
distinguish
enemy
that
lower rank
ornamented badge, serving
from
is
to
whom
his death
officer of
would give
promotion.
Epicure,
n.
An
opponent of Epicurus, an
abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man,
wasted no time in gratification of the
Epigram,
n.
senses.
short, sharp saying in prose
or verse, frequently characterized by acidity
or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.
Fol-
lowing are some of the more notable epi-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE grams of the learned
and
87
ingenious
Dr.
Jamrach Holobom:
We others.
know
To
serve oneself
human
In each
ourselves
than
of
tiger,
pig,
character
of
an due
is
ass
to
and their
activity.
There are three Beauty
distinction in
seem to the unthinking
Women
men
are alike in
kind of credibility.
ashamed than men.
in love are less
less to
They
be ashamed of.
While your
friend holds you affectionately by both
your hands you are
Epitaph,
males, females and girls.
sexes;
women and
in
this: they
have
of
economy of administration.
is
heart are
Diversity
nightingale.
unequal
needs
the
better
w.
An
safe,
for
you can watch both
inscription on
his.
tomb, show-
ing that virtues acquired by death have retroactive effect.
Following
touching
is
example: Here
lie
the bones of Parson Piatt,
Wise, pious,
Who
humble
showed us
Let that be said
life
and
and
all
that.
as all should
God
forgive
live it; it!
THE COLLECTED WORKS
88
Erudition, into an
Dust shaken out of
n.
empty
skull.
his erudition's
He knew
book
mighty span,
Creation's origin
and plan
And only came by accident to grief He thought, poor man, 'twas right to
be
thief.
Romach
Very
Esoteric, adj.
consummately
particularly abstruse and
The
occult.
sophies were of two kinds, that
the
Pute.
philosophers
ancient philoexoteric, those
could
themselves
partly understand, and esoteric, those that
nobody could understand.
It
is
the latter
that have most profoundly affected
modern
thought and found greatest acceptance in
our time.
Ethnology,
n.
various tribes swindlers,
The science of Man, as
dunces,
that treats of the robbers, thieves,
lunatics,
idiots
and
ethnologists.
Eucharist, sect of
n,
sacred feast of the religious
Theophagi.
dispute once unhappily arose the
members
of this sect
what
among it
was
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
89
In this controversy some five
that they ate.
hundred thousand have already been and the question
Eulogy,
still
is
unsettled.
person
Praise of
n.
slain,
who
has either
the advantages of wealth and power, or the
consideration to be dead.
Evangelist,
n.
particularly
bearer of good
tidings,
religious sense)
such as
(in
assure us of our
own
salvation and the
dam-
nation of our neighbors.
Everlasting,
Lasting forever.
ad].
with no small diffidence that offer
this
for
am
brief
and elementary
by
Worcester, entitled,
Word
is
venture to definition,
not unaware
bulky volume the
It
of
sometime Bishop
of
Partial Definition of
^'Everlasting
'^
as
Used
in
the
Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures. His book was of great authority in the Anglican Church, and
is still,
understand, studied with pleasure to the
mind and Exception, erty
profit to the soul.
n.
thing which takes the
from other things of
lib-
its class,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
90 as
an honest man,
"The
woman,
truthful
exception proves the rule"
upon the
pression constantly
who
norant,
^'Exceptio
an ex-
lips of the ig-
from one another with
it
thought of
never Latin,
parrot
is
absurdity.
its
In the
probat regulam'^ means
that the exception tests the rule, puts
the proof, not confirms
who drew
the
it.
own
The
meaning from
dictum and substituted his
etc.
it
to
malefactor
this excellent
contrary one of
exerted an evil
power which ap-
pears to be immortal.
Excess,
w.
forces
In morals, an indulgence that en-
by appropriate penalties the law of
moderation. Hail, high Excess
To
thee in worship do
Who
My
especially in wine.
bend the knee
preach abstemiousness unto
skull thy pulpit, as
my
me
paunch thy shrine.
Precept on precept, aye, and line on
Could
With
line.
ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree
reason as thy touch, exact and free,
Upon my forehead and along my spine. At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, With the hot grape warm no more my wit;
When
on thy
stool of penitence
I'm quite converted, for Ungrateful
To make new
who
can't
sit
get
afterward would falter
sacrifices at thine altar!
AMBROSE BIERCE Excommunication,
w.
This "excommunication"
And means
damn mnin ing, g, wi with th bell, book and candle, the da
sinner
rite
word
is
ecclesiastical oft heard,
In speech
Some
91
whose opinions are
scandal
permitting Satan to enslave him
and forbidding Christ to save him.
Forever,
Gat Huckle.
Executive,
An
n.
whose duty
wishes of the
to enforce the
power dicial
Government,
officer
until such time as
department shall be pleased
nounce them invalid and of no lowing titled.
is
juto pro-
Fol-
effect.
an extract from an old book en-
The Lunarian Astonished
PfeifTer
Co., Boston, 1803:
Then
Lunarian: passed
law
order that
it
it
when
Congress
your
has
goes directly to the Supreme Court in
may
at once be
known whether
is
con-
require
the
it
stitutional
Terrestrian:
no;
been enforced for
many
operation
himself
President,
if
does
Court
approval of the
against
it
not
until
having perhaps
years
he approves
objects to its
mean
his
client.
begins
to
execute
The it
at
once.
Lunarian: Ah,
the executive
power
is
part of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
92
Do
the legislative.
your policemen also have to ap-
the local ordinances that they enforce?
Not
Terrestrian: require
the
at
not
least
their
in
Generally speaking, though,
character of constables.
laws
yet
approval
of
those
The
death
whom
they
all
are
intended to restrain.
Lunarian:
see.
warrant
not
is
valid until signed by the murderer.
Terrestrian:
we
My
friend,
you put
it
too strongly;
are not so consistent.
Lunarian:
But
this
system
of
maintaining
an
expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and
then
only
when brought
private person
does
Terrestrian:
it
before
the
by
some
not cause great confusion?
It does.
Why
Lunarian:
court
your
not
laws,
previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the
Supreme Court?
Terrestrian:
There
is
no
precedent
for
any
such CQurse.
Lunarian
Precedent.
Terrestrian:
It
has
What been
is
that
defined
dred lawyers in three volumes each.
So
by
five
hun-
how can any
one know?
Exhort,
v,
t.
In religious
affairs, to
another upon
conscience
of
roast
nut-brown discomfort.
it
to
the
put the
spit
and
OF ]A.MBROSE BIERCE Exile,
One who
n.
siding abroad, yet
An
serves his country is
93
by
re-
not an ambassador.
English sea-captain being asked
he
if
had read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No,
sir,
should like
but
to
anchor on
it."
Years afterwards, when he had been hanged career of unparalleled
pirate after
as
following
atrocities, the
found
memorandum was
in the ship's log that
he had kept
at
the time of his reply Aug.
Made
3d, 1842.
Coldly received.
Existence,
War
joke on the ex-Isle of Erin.
with the whole world
w.
transient, horrible, fantastic
Wherein
dream,
yet all things do seem:
is
From which we're wakened by friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry "O fudge !"
Experience,
n.
to recognize as
The wisdom
that enables us
an un unde desi sira rabl bl
ance the folly that
ol
we have
acquaint-
already em-
braced.
To Is
one who, journeying through night and fog,
mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog,
Experience, like the rising of the dawn,
Reveals the path that he should not have gone. Joel
Frad Bink^
THE COLLECTED WORKS
94
Expostulation, by which
w.
One
of the
many methods
fools prefer to lose their friends.
Extinction,
The raw
n.
which theology created the future
Fairy,
creature,
n,
out
material
variously
of
state.
fashioned
endowed, that formerly inhabited the
meadows and its
and the
now
tinct,
It
was nocturnal
and somewhat addicted
habits,
are
forests.
theft of children.
in
to danc-
The
fairies
believed by naturalists to be ex-
clergyman of the Church of
though
England saw three near Colchester as lately park after as 1855, while passing through
The
dining with the lord of the manor. sight greatly staggered him,
account of
affected
that
herent.
In the year 1807
his
and he was so it
was
inco-
troop of fairies
wood near Aix and carried off peasant, who had been daughter of
visited
the
seen to enter
The
turned.
the
with
bundle of clothing.
wealthy bourgeois disappeared
son of
about
it
same
He
time,
but
afterward
re-
had seen the abduction and
OF AMBROSE BIERCE been
pursuit of
in
Gaux,
the
fairies.
95
Justinian
writer of the fourteenth century,
avers that so great
the fairies'
is
power
transformation that he saw one change into
two opposing armies and
fight
of
itself
battle
with great slaughter, and that the next day, after
had resumed
it
its
original shape and
gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain
He
which the
does not say
covered.
if
villagers
had
to bury.
any of the wounded
re-
In the time of Henry III, of Eng-
law was made which prescribed
land,
for "Kyllynge,
the
or
ynge,
mamynge"
fairy,
and
wowndwas
it
universally respected.
Faith, is
Belief without evidence in
n.
what
by one who speaks without know-
told
ledge, of things without parallel.
Famous, Done
adj.
to
turn on the iron, behold
Him who Content?
And
Conspicuously miserable.
to be
Well,
famous
aspired.
his grill has
his twistings
plating of gold,
admired.
Hassan Brubuddy,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
96
Fashion,
despot
n.
whom
the wise ridic-
ule and obey. king there was
who
lost
an eye
In some excess of passion
And
straight his courtiers all did try
To
follow the
new
Each dropped one
The
eyelid
when
before
throne he ventured, thinking
'Twould He'd
What To
fashion.
please the king.
slay
them
all for
should they do?
That monarch swore winking.
They were
not hot
hazard such disaster;
They dared
not close an eye
dared not
See better than their master.
Seeing them lacrymose and glum, leech consoled the weepers
He spread small rags with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court all wore the stuff, Of royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got
the flame
its
name
Unless I'm greatly lying.
Naraniy Oof.
Feast, tion
n.
usually
drunkenness,
festival.
signalized
religious celebra-
by
gluttony
and
frequently in honor of some
OF AMBROSE BIERCE holy person
In the
ness.
97
distinguished for abstemious-
Roman
Catholic Church feasts
are "movable" and "immovable,"
but the
uniformly immovable until they are
In their earliest development
full.
these entertainments took the
for the dead; such
form of
feasts
were held by the Greeks,
under the name of Nemeseia, by the Aztecs
and Peruvians,
modern times they
as in
popular with the Chinese; though lieved
that
modern,
ancient
the
were
light
dead,
eaters.
it
is
are be-
like
the
Among
the
many
feasts
Romans was
diale,
which was
held, according to Livy,
whenever Felon,
stones fell
discretion,
Female,
Novem-
from heaven.
person of greater enterprise than
n.
ity has
the
who
in
embracing an opportun-
formed an unfortunate attachment. n.
One
of the opposing, or unfair,
sex.
The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. the Devil
He
said:
came and saw
"By Thine
eternal
law
THE COLLECTED WORKS
98
Of
growth, maturity, decay.
These
And
all
leave untenanted the earth
Thou
Unless
Then
To
must quickly pass away
tucked his head beneath his wing
laugh
With That
dost establish birth"
he
deviltry did so
accord,
he'd suggested to the Lord.
The Master pondered this Then shook and threw the Wherewith
Are
all
Then
fateful dice
matters here below
bent His head in awful
Confirming
From
advice.
and observed the throw;
ordered,
The
the thing
sleeve
state,
of Fate.
every part of earth
anew
conscious dust consenting flew,
While
To make Enough
from
rivers it
their
courses
mould.
plastic for the
collected
(but no more,
For niggard Nature hoards her
He
kneaded
it
rolled
store)
to flexile clay.
While Nick unseen threw some away.
And
then the various forms
Gross organs
first
and
He
cast.
finer last;
No
one at once evolved, but
By
even touches grew and small
Degrees advanced,
To
match
till,
all living
shade by shade,
things
Females, complete in
all
He'd made
all their
parts
Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No I'll
matter," Satan cried
"with speed
fetch the very hearts they need"
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
99
So flew away and soon brought back
The number That night
Ten
needed, in
sack.
earth rang with sounds of strife-
million males
had each
That night sweet Peace her O'er Hell
Fib, w.
ten million
pinions spread
devils
dead!
has not cut
lie that
habitual
wife;
its
teeth.
nearest approach
liar's
to
An
truth:
the perigee of his eccentric orbit.
When
David
"All
said:
Himself
like
men
are
any
thief.
Perhaps he thought to weaken
proof that even himself was not
To
Truth; though
Is
been of
he but
more than
all
Dave,
disbelief
By
Had Had
liars,"
slave
suspect the aged knave
her servitors the chief
known
e'er she
fig's
reluctant leaf
wore on land or wave.
No, David served not Naked Truth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at
Nor
the
Men
his
race;
did he hit the nail upon the head:
For reason shows that
And
all
facts
are
it
could never be.
contradict
not
liars
all,
him for
to
his
face.
some are dead. Bartle Quinker,
Fickleness,
n.
The
terprising affection.
iterated satiety of an en-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
100
Fiddle,
by
ears
An
n.
friction of
trails of
horse's tail
on the en-
cat.
To Rome
said
Nero:
"If to smoke you turn
shall not cease to fiddle while
To Nero Rome Tis my excuse
"Pray do your worst,
replied
that
you burn."
you were fiddling
Orm Fidelity,
human
instrument to tickle
first."
Pludge,
virtue peculiar to those
n.
who
are about to be betrayed.
Finance,
n.
The
art or science of
managing
revenues and resources for the best advant-
The
age of the manager. this
word with
the
first
the
syllable
is
pronunciation of
long and the accent on
one of America's most
precious discoveries and possessions.
Flag,
n,
colored rag borne above troops
and hoisted on to serve the
forts
and
ships.
same purpose
that one sees on
vacant
as
lots
It
appears
certain signs in
London
"Rubbish may be shot here." Flesh,
w.
Trinity.
The Second
Person of the secular
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Flop,
Suddenly
v.
and go over
to
101
change one's
to
another party.
The most
notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus,
who
has been severely criticised as
turn-coat by
Fly-Speck, It
is
n.
some of our partisan
The
journals.
prototype of punctuation.
observed by Garvinus that the systems
of punctuation in use
by the various
literary
upon the
nations depended originally
habits and general diet of the
flies
social
infesting
the several countries. These creatures,
which
have always been distinguished for
neigh-
borly and companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly embellish the
manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit, bring-
work by
the sense of the
of interpretation superior
ent
of,
the
writer's
writ wr iter er
later scribes
uage
that
whose work and
and independ-
powers.
masters" of literature earl ea rl
to,
critics
is
in
never punctuated at
species
is
The
"old
to say,
so esteemed
the all,
the
by
same langbut worked
right along free-handed, without that ab-
ruption of the thought which comes from the use of points.
(We
observe the same
thing in children to-day, whose usage in this
102
THE COLLECTED WORKS
particular
is
and beautiful
striking
in-
stance of the law that the infancy of indiv-
reproduces the
iduals
stages
of development characterizing the infancy of races.)
In the w^ork of these primitive
scribes all the punctuation
modern
found, by the
investigator with his optical instru-
ments and chemical serted
is
tests,
to
have been
by the writers' ingenious and
able collaborator,
Musca
the
common
In
maledicta.
service-
house-fly
transcribing
ancient
MSS,
for the purpose of either
ing the
work
their
own
in-
these
mak-
or preserving what
they naturally regard as divine revelations, later writers reverently
and accurately copy
whatever marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhance-
ment
of
the
lucidity
value of the work.
of
the
thought and
Writers contemporary
with the copyists naturally avail themselves of the obvious advantages of these
marks
in
own work, and with such assistance as flies of their own household may be
their
the
willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of punctuation,
small glory.
Fully
portant services that
to
which
is
no
understand the im-
flies
perform
to literal-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE ure
some popular
novelist
alongside
"how
saucer
sunny room and
of cream-and-molasses in
observe
page of
only necessary to lay
is
it
103
the wit brightens and the style
refines" in accurate proportion to the dura-
tion of exposure.
Folly,
That
w.
"gift
and faculty divine"
whose creative and controlling energy
Man's mind, guides
spires
adorns his Folly!
Erasmus praised thee once and
thick volume,
If not thy glory yet thy
Deign
to take
Through
all
To mend
thy
maze
power have shown,
lung,
flying
own,
here on
I'll hire,
blunts.
to raise,
it
all thine offspring
too weak,
his
weapons this
western strand
thronged from every land.
Thyself inspiring me, the song of if
and dunce,
be his arrows thrown,
All-Father Folly! be
And
fool
and to sustain
Howe'er each hide the
With
authors known,
his brothers,
their lives
lusty
all
homage from thy son who hunts
However feeWy
With
and
life.
although
In
his actions
in-
to help
Dick Watson Gilder,
praise.
me us
bawl, all.
Aramis Loto Frope,
Fool,
n.
person
who
pervades the domain
of intellectual speculation and diffuses him-
104
THE COLLECTED WORKS
self
through the channels of moral
He
is
omnific, omniform,
vented
printing,
letters,
omnipercipient,
He
omniscient, omnipotent.
activity.
was who
it
the
railroad,
in-
the
steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and
He
the circle of the sciences.
and
triotism
taught
created pa-
war
nations
the
founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine
He
and Chicago.
established
He
archical and republican government.
from
everlasting
creation's
the
dawn
morning
fooleth now.
of time he sang
hills,
and
the
procession
in the
such
everlasting
to
monis
as
In
upon primitive
noonday of existence headed being.
of
His
grand-
motherly hand has warmly tucked-in the set
sun of civilization, and in the twilight
he prepares Man's evening meal of milkand-morality and turns grave.
down
And
the covers of
after the rest of
us shall have retired for the night of eternal
oblivion he will
human Force,
sit
up
to write
history of
civilization.
n,
"Force
is
"That
The
but might," the teacher said definition's just."
boy said naught but thought instead,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Remembering "Force
is
Forefinger,
his
The
n.
finger
commonly used
two malefactors.
FOREORDINATION,
n.
define,
to
pounded head:
not might but must!"
in pointing out
word
105
This looks like an easy
but
when
consider that
pious and learned theologians have spent
long lives in explaining
it,
and written
when
braries to explain their explanations;
remember and bloody
li-
that nations have been divided battles
caused by the difference
between foreordination and predestination,
and that millions of treasure have been ex-
pended its
in the effort to
prove and disprove
compatibility with freedom of
and the
efficacy of prayer, praise,
the history of the word,
stand appalled
before the mighty problem of
template
my
its
re-
recalling these awful facts in
ligious life,
tion, abase
and
its
significa-
spiritual eyes, fearing to con-
portentous
ently uncover and
magnitude,
humbly
it
reverto
His
Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.
FORGETFULNESS,
w.
gift of
God
bestowed
THE COLLECTED WORKS
106
upon debtors
in
compensation for their des-
titution of conscience.
Fork,
An
w.
instrument used chiefly for the
purpose of putting dead animals into the
Formerly the knife was employed
mouth.
many worthy perhave many advant-
for this purpose, sons
still
is
thought
to
ages over the other tool, which, however,
they do not altogether reject, but use to sist
in
The immunity
charging the knife.
of these persons
as-
from swift and awful death
one of the most striking proofs of God's
is
mercy
to those that hate
Forma Pauperis
(Latin).
litigant
In the character
method by which
poor person
of
Him.
without money for lawyers
is
con-
siderately permitted to lose his case.
When Adam
long ago in Cupid's awful court
(For Cupid ruled ere
Adam was
Invented)
Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report,
He "You
stood and pleaded unhablllmented. sue in forma pauperis,
"Actions can't
So
all
He
here
be
that
see,"
way
Eve
cried;
prosecuted."
poor Adam's motions coldly were denied:
went away
as
he
had come
nonsuited.
G.J,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Frankalmoigne,
The
n.
corp rpor orat atio io religious co
107
tenure by which lands on condi-
hold ho ld
tion of praying for the soul of the donor.
many
In mediaeval times
obtained
fraternities
of the wealthiest
their
estates
in
simple and cheap manner, and once
Henry VIII
of
England
confiscate certain
as
this
when
sent an officer to
os es
which
on
"What!'
monks held by frankalmoigne, Prior, "would your master
stay our
fa
fraternity of
"Ay," said the
r'
in
officer,
not pray
him thence
roast."
"But look you,
the
good man,
Purgatory?"
coldly, "an ye will
for naught he
my
son," persisted as robb-
"this act
ery of God!"
nay,
good
master the king doth but deliver the
manifold
must e'en
my
father,
Him
temptations
from great
wealth."
Freebooter, of
conqueror in
n,
business,
whose
small
way
lack
the
annexations
sanctifying merit of magnitude.
Freedom,
n.
Exemption from the
authority in straint's
political
infinite
stress
beggarly half dozen of
of re-
multitude of methods.
condition that every nation sup-
108
THE COLLECTED WORKS
poses itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly.
The
Liberty.
and
liberty
alists
is
distinction
between freedom
not accurately
have never been able
known; natur-
to find
living
specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy knows,
Once
On
shrieked as
Kosdusko
fell;
every wind, indeed, that blows hear her
yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet,
And
To
parliaments
as
well.
bind the chains about her feet
And
toll
her knell.
And when the sovereign people The votes they cannot spell. Upon
the pestilential blast
Her clamors For
all
To
cast
to
whom
sway or
swell.
the
power's given
to compel,
Among themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. Blary O'Gary,
Freemasons, grotesque
n.
An
order with secret
ceremonies
and
fantastic
rites,
cos-
tumes, which, originating in the reign of
Charles II,
among working
artisans of
Lon-
OF AJMBROSE BIERCE don,
been
has
joined
109
by the
successively
dead of past centuries
unbroken
in
retro-
now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and the Formless Void. The order gression until
was founded magne,
Julius
Buddha.
Solomon,
Cyrus,
Caesar,
Thothmes,
Confucius,
Zoroaster,
by Charle-
at different times
and
emblems and symbols have
Its
been found in the Catacombs of Paris and
Rome, on
the stones of the Parthenon and
the Chinese Great Wall,
Karnak
of
Egyptian
and
among
Palmyra
the temples
and
Pyramids
in
by
the
Free-
mason. Friendless, adj.
Having no
Destitute of fortune. of truth and
Friendship,
two
n.
common
favors to bestow.
Addicted sense.
ship big enough to carry
in fair weather, but only
The
sea
one in foul.
was calm and the sky was blue;
Merrily, merrily sailed
we
(High barometer maketh
On
to utterance
the tipsy ship, with
tsvo.
glad.)
dreadful shout,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
110
temp mpes es desc de scen ende de The te and we fell (O the walking is nasty bad!)
out.
Armit Huff
Frog, first is
with edible
reptile
n.
mention of frogs
them and the mice.
The
legs.
profane literature
in
Homer's narrative
in
Bettle.
of the
war between
Skeptical persons have
doubted Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious
Dr. Schliemann has
set the
question forever
by uncovering the bones of the
at rest
One
frogs.
of the forms of moral suasion
by which Pharaoh was besought the Israelities was
Pharaoh,
slain
who
to
favor
plague of frogs, but
them
liked
fricasees,
re-
marked, with truly oriental stoicism, that he could stand the
it
Jews could;
changed.
The
having
good
as
long
so
the
frog
and
programme was diligent songster,
is
voice
as the frogs
but
no
ear.
The
libretto of his favorite opera, as written
Aristophanes,
is
brief,
"brekekex-koax"
by
simple and effective
the music
is
apparently
by that eminent composer, Richard Wagfrog in each hoof
Horses have thoughtful
them
provision
to shine in
of
nature,
hurdle race.
enabling
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Frying-Pan,
One
n.
ill
part of the penal ap-
paratus employed in that punitive institu-
woman's
tion,
The
kitchen.
frying-pan
was invented by Calvin, and by him used in
cooking span-long infants that had died
and observing one day the
without baptism cautiously
had
tramp
horrible torment of
pulled
babe from the
fried
waste-dump and devoured
it
it,
to the great divine to rob death of
by introducing the frying-pan
Thence
household in Geneva. all
in-
occurred its
terrors
into it
every
spread to
corners of the world, and has been of
invaluable assistance in the propagation of
The
his
sombre
to
be from the pen of his Grace Bishop
Potter)
faith.
seem
of this utensil
but
as the
following lines (said
to
imply that the usefulness
is
not limited to this world;
consequences of
its
employment
in this life reach over into the life to
so also itself
rewarding
may
Old Nick
be found on the other side,
devotees:
its
was summoned
Said Peter:
come,
"Your
Are good, but you
to
the
intentions
lack enterprise
Concerning new inventions.
skies.
112
THE COLLECTED WORKS "Now,
Of
broiling
is
an ancient plan hear
torment, but
it
Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked
"Go
get one
fill
it
spirit.
up with
fat
Fry sinners brown and good
know
"I
Said
Funeral,
trick
worth two
Nick— "I'll
in't."
that,"
o'
cook their food
in't."
we
pageant whereby
n,
attest
our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an
expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our
The
To
tears. they sacrifice
savage dies
horse
bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse.
Our
friends expire
^we
make
In hope their souls will chase
the it
money
fly
to the sky.
Jex Wopley.
Future, affairs
n.
That period
prosper,
our happiness
Gallows,
n.
is
of time in
which our
our friends are true
and
assured.
stage for the
performance of
miracle plays, in which the leading actor
OF AMBROSE BIERCE is
translated to heaven.
gallows
In
this
113
country the
remarkable for the num-
is
ber of persons
who
escape
it.
Whether on
the gallows high
Or where The noblest
blood flows the reddest, place
for
man
to
die
where he died the deadest.
Is
Old
Gargoyle,
rain-spout projecting
n.
the eaves of mediaeval buildings,
fashioned
grotesque
into
of the building.
from
commonly
caricature
some personal enemy of the
owner
Play.
of
architect or
This was especially
the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in
perfect
sented
and
heretics
when
which the gargoyles prerogues'
controversialists.
of
local
Sometimes
new dean and chapter were
installed
argo ar goyl yles es were removed and others
the ol
substituted having
closer relation to the
private animosities of the
Garter,
gallery
n.
An
elastic
new incumbents.
band intended
woman from coming
to
keep
out of her stockings
and desolating the country.
Generous,
adj.
Originally this
word meant
THE COLLECTED WORKS
114
noble by birth and was rightly applied to great multitude of persons.
noble by nature and
Genealogy,
An
w.
is
It
taking
now means
bit of
rest.
account of one's descent
from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.
Genteel,
Refined, after the fashion of
adj.
gent. Observe with gentleman
Heed For
care, is
my
son, the distinction
gentle and
reveal:
gent genteel.
not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents,
dictionary makers
gene ge ne al ally ly gents.
G,J,
Geographer,
n.
chap who can
tell
you
offhand the difference between the outside
world and the Habeam, geographer
inside. of wide renown,
Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town. In passing thence along the river
To
Zam
the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got
lost, lived
Then from
And
long on migratory toads.
exposure miserably died.
grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Henry
auk horn.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Geology,
n.
The
115
science of the earth's crust
which, doubtless, will be added that of
interior
its
man shall come The geological,
whenever
up garrulous out of
well.
formations of the globe already noted are
The Primary,
catalogued thus:
one, consists of rocks, bones of
gas-pipes,
minus the cestors.
of
red
miners'
or lower
mired mules,
antique
statues
nose, Spanish doubloons
and an-
tools,
The Secondary is largely made up worms and moles. The Tertiary
comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes,
mato
boots, beer bottles, to-
cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, an-
snap-dogs and
archists,
Ghost,
mouldy
fools.
The outward and
n.
visible sign of
an inward fear.
He saw It
occupied
The
ghost.
that
dismal
thing!
path that he was following.
Before he'd time to stop and
An
earthquake
trifled
That saw
He
fell as fall
Unmoved
The
He
fly,
with
the
eye
ghost.
the early good;
that awful vision stood.
stars that
danced before his ken
wildly brushed away, and then
He saw
post.
Jared Macphester,
116
THE COLLECTED WORKS Accounting for the uncommon behavior
Heine mentions somebody's
of ghosts,
in-
genious theory to the effect that they are as
much afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, may judge from such tables of comif am able to compile from parative speed as memories of my own experience. There
one insuperable obstacle
is
in
naked
he appears either in
winding-sheet
To
or "in his habit as he lived." in him, then,
is
the dead the
power
ible after there
that
to
is
have
make
nothing
power
Supposing
fabrics.
loom
same
the
to believe that not
to
they have in exercising not the apparition of
be
reach away
riddles
on the very tap-root of
Ghoul,
w.
object
would
suit of clothes
does
some-
ghost in
significance.
get
the
of
And why
it?
of
down and
textile
in
products
times walk abroad without
These
only have
left of
what
this ability,
believe
themselves vis-
inheres
the
comes
never
ghost
ghosts.
belief
to
it?
They
convulsive grasp
this flourishing faith.
demon addicted
to the repre-
hensible habit of devouring the dead.
The
existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of controversialists
who
are
more con-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
117
cerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs than to give
place.
it
anything good in their
In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in
cemetery near Florence and frightened
away with scribes
as gifted
it
in
de-
with many heads and an
uncommon allowance it
He
the sign of the cross. of limbs,
more than one place
and he saw time.
at
The
good man was coming away from dinner and explains that
the time
it
at
he had not
if
been "heavy with eating" he would have
demon relates
at all hazards.
ghoul was caught by some
that
churchyard
sturdy peasants in
horsepond.
in to
think that so
The water
"and
at
(He
distinguished
should have been ducked in water.)
Atholston
Sudbury appears criminal
tank of rose-
turned at once to blood
The pond As late ditch.
so contynues unto ys daye."
has since been bled with as the
beginning of the fourteenth century
ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral at
Amiens and
the
tion surrounded the place.
men with crucifix,
whole popula-
Twenty armed
priest at their head, bearing
entered and captured the ghoul,
which, thinking
had transformed
to escape
by the stratagem,
itself to
the semblance of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
118
well
known
citizen,
but was nevertheless
hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of
popular
hideous
The
orgies.
citizen
whose shape the demon had assumed was affected
by the
sinister
so
occurrence that he
never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains
Glutton,
mystery.
person
n,
who
escapes the evils
of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
Gnome,
In North-European mythology,
n.
dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the earth and having special custody of
mineral
who died gnomes were common enough Bjorsen,
treasures.
1765, says
the southern parts
Sweden
in
in in
his boy-
hood, and he frequently saw them scampering on the hills
in
the evening twilight.
Ludwig Binkerhoof saw 1792,
in the
three as recently as
Black Forest, and Sneddeker
avers that in
1803 they drove
miners out of
Silesian mine.
party of
Basing our
computations upon data supplied by these statements,
we
find that
probably extinct
Gnostics,
w.
the
as early as
sect
of
gnomes were 1764.
philosophers
who
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
fusion between the early
tried to engineer
The former
Christians and the Platonists.
would not go
119
into the caucus
and the com-
bination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.
Gnu, in
An
n.
its
animal of South Africa, which
domesticated state resembles
buffalo and
something like
it is
quake and
Of And he But
its
Kew
said:
"I'll
blood at
that beast
he said
thunderbolt, an earth-
caught
distant
view
my
pursue,
and
my
hands imbrue
closer interview."
did
as
Ere, losing
That
wild condition
its
peacefully meditative gnu,
ensue
and the hunter
it
threw
palm that adjacent grew;
O'er the top of
And
In
cyclone.
hunter from
In
stag.
horse,
he
flew:
temper,
"It
is
withdrew
well
wickedly slew
really meritorious gnu."
Jarn Leffer,
Good,
adj.
this
present writer.
vantages of letting
Goose,
madam,
Sensible,
n,
writing.
Alive,
him
to the sir,
worth of
to
the ad-
alone.
bird that supplies
quills
for
These, by some occult process of
120
THE COLLECTED WORKS penetrated
nature,
are
various
degrees
and suffused
the
of
intellectual
bird's
and emotional character,
energies
so
when inked and drawn mechanically paper by
that
across
person called an "author," there
very fair and accurate transcript
results
The
of the fowl's thought and feeling.
dif-
ference in geese, as discovered by this in-
genious method,
found
is
have only
to
many
considerable: trivial
and
are
insignificant
powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed.
Gorgon,
n.
The Gorgon was
Who
turned
to
maiden bold stone
the
Greeks of old
That looked upon her awful brow.
We
And
dig them out of ruins now,
swear that workmanship so bad
Proves
Gout,
all
the ancient sculptors
n.
physician's
ism of
rich patient.
Graces, Aglaia,
n.
Three
mad.
name
beautiful
rheumat-
goddesses,
Thalia and Euphrosyne,
who
at-
tended upon Venus, serving without salary.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE They were
121
no expense for board
at
and
clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of
and dressed according ing
whatever
to the
weather, wear-
happened
breeze
to
be
blowing.
Grammar,
system of pitfalls thought-
n.
fully prepared for the feet of the self-made
man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
Grape,
n.
Hail noble fruit!
by
Homer
sung,
Anacreon and Khayyam;
Thy praise is ever on the Of better men than
tongue
am.
The lyre my hand has never The song cannot offer
My
humbler
swept,
service pray accept
ril help to kill the scoffer.
The
w^ater-drinkers
Who
and the cranks
load their skins with liquor-
ril gladly bare their belly-tanks
And
tap
them with
my
sticker.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
122
Fill Up,
When
wisdom
up, for
fill
e'er
we
let the
cools
wine
Here's death to Prohibition's
And
rest.
fools,
every kind of vine-pest
Jamrach Holobom,
Grapeshot, ture of
An
n.
argument which the
fu-
preparing in answer to the demands
is
American Socialism.
Grave,
place in which the dead are laid
w.
to await the
coming
of the medical student.
lonely grave
Beside
With brambles
stood
'twas encumbered
The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. rustic standing near,
"He
cannot hear
'Course not,"
He
can't hear
"Too
true,"
No
sound
nowt
his sense
deadster
him,
"the
dead
that's going."
is
ain't
can quicken!" that to
you?
a-kickin'."
"O
Father, smile
and mercy show him!"
That countryman looked on
And
feller's
said; "alas, too true
knelt and prayed:
On
blowing!" he
said
"Well, mister, wot
The
it
said:
said:
"Ye
didn't
the while.
know him." Pobeter Dunk.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Gravitation, to
The tendency
n.
123
of all bodies
approach one another with
strength
proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain tain
the quantity of matter they con-
being ascertained by the strength of tendency to
their
This
is
how
science,
having made
the proof of
adj.
of the
The Elephant
replied:
No
wood and
So long
my
weight!"
no animal has half
neck!" said the Giraffe.
"I'm great," the Kangaroo
My
plain!"
"I'm great
quadruped can match
"I'm great
"I reign
said
The monarch
said
"see
femoral muscularity!"
The 'Possum
An To
another.
A.
the proof of
"I'm great," the Lion
My
one
lovely and edifying illustration of
B, makes
Great,
approach
tail
is
said:
lithe
"I'm great
behold,
and bald and cold!"
Oyster fried was understood say:
"I'm great because I'm good!"
Each reckons greatness
to consist
In that in which he heads the
list,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
124
And
Vierick thinks he tops his class
Because he
is
the greatest ass.
Arion Spurl Doke.
Guillotine,
machine which makes
w.
Frenchman shrug
his shoulders
with good
reason.
In his great work on Divergent Lines of Racial
Evolution,
learned
the
Professor
Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of gesture
this
shrug
the
descended from
men, that
and
it
is
among French-
simply
turtles
survival of the habit of
retracting the head inside the shell.
with reluctance that an authority, but in
differ
my
work
entitled
II, c.
XI)
to
judgment
(as
is
more
my
in
Emotions
Hereditary
the shrug
is
with so eminent
and enforced
elaborately set forth
It
lib.
poor foundation
build so important
theory,
for previously to the Revolution the gesture
was unknown.
have not
doubt that
it is
directly referable to the terror inspired
by
the guillotine during the period of that in-
strument's activity.
Gunpowder,
n.
An
agency
employed
by
civilized nations for the settlement of dis-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
125
putes which might become troublesome
By most
unadjusted.
left
if
writers the inven-
gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinbut not upon very convincing evidence.
tion of ese,
was invented by the
Milton says
to dispel angels with,
and
this
devil
opinion seems
derive some support from the scarcity
to
Moreover,
of angels.
it
has the hearty con-
currence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture. Secretary Wilson
became
interested
in
gunpowder through an event that occurred on the Government experimental in the District of eral years ago,
Columbia.
profound attainments and
character
presented
him with
sack of gunpowder, representing seed
of
the
great
admirably adapted
The good
it
as
the
Flashawful flabbergastor,
Patagonian value,
day, sev-
rogue imperfectly reverent
of the Secretary's
personal
One
commercial climate.
Secretary was instructed to spill
it
along in
furrow and afterward inhume
it
with
This he
do,
soil.
and had made
once proceeded
to
continuous line of
it
at
way across ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by shout from the generous donor, who at once all
the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
126
dropped
lighted
match
into the
furrow
at
Contact with the earth
the starting-point.
had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw himself pursued by
smoke
moving
tall
in fierce evolution.
moment paralyzed and recollected all,
of
pillar
He
fire
and
stood for
speechless,
an engagement and,
then he
dropping
absented himself thence with such sur-
prising celerity that to the eyes of spectators
along the route selected he appeared like long,
dim
streak prolonging itself with in-
conceivable rapidity through seven villages,
and
audibly
refusing
"Great Scott! what
is
comforted.
be
to
that?" cried
sur-
veyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gaz-
ing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.
"That," said
the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phe-
nomenon and again centering upon
his
his attention
instrument, "is the Meridian of
Washington."
Habeas Corpus. be taken out of
wrong
crime,
writ by which jail
when
man
confined for the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Habit,
shackle for the free.
n.
Hades,
The lower world;
n.
departed
of
dead
the
spirits;
the
residence
where the
place
live.
Among
the ancients
Hell,
of the most respectable
Indeed,
selves
were
men
the
by
them-
Fields
part of Hades, though they to
the Jacobean version of the
learned
of antiquity re-
Elysian
have since been removed in
many
very comfortable kind of
siding there in
way.
Hades
the idea of
was not synonymous
was
127
When
Paris.
New
Testament
process of evolution the pious and
men engaged
in the
work
insisted
majority vote on translating the Greek
word
''AiSiQ<;" as
minority
"Hell"; but
member
conscientious
secretly possessed himself
of the record and struck out the objection-
able
word wherever he could
find
At
it.
the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury,
looking over the work, su sudd dden enly ly
pran pr an
and said with considerable ment:
"Gentlemen,
razing ^HelP here!"
good
has
excite-
been
Years afterward the
was made sweet by
prelate's
reflection that
somebody
to
the
he had been the means (un-
der Providence)
of
making an important,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
128
serviceable
and immortal addition
to
the
phraseology of the English tongue.
Hag,
An
n.
happen
elderly lady like;
to
heads were surrounded by
belief that their
kind of baleful
of that peculiar electrical light
At one
sometimes observed in the hair.
Drayton
speaks
much
smiles,"
reproach:
of
of
all
Shakespeare
as
said,
"sweet
would not now be proper to hag that compliyour sweetheart
wench." call
word
hag was not
time
etc.,
hag being the pop-
lumination or nimbus
name
also,
witches, sorceresses,
were called hags from the
ular
you do not
sometimes called,
Old
hen, or cat.
whom
ment
It
reserved for the use of her grand-
is
children.
Half,
One of two equal may be divided,
n.
thing divided.
In
the
as to
which
or considered as
fourteenth
heated discussion arose
and philosophers
parts into
century
among
theologists
whether Omniscience and
could part an object into the
pious
prayed
Father
Aldrovinus
in the cathedral at
would demonstrate
the
Rouen
publicly that
affirmative
of
God the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
129
proposition in some signal and unmistakable
way, and particularly
Him) upon
should please
hardy
that
however,
the bite of
to
blas-
who main-
Procinus,
Properly,
n.
it
Procinus,
negative.
the
was spared Halo,
body of
Manutius
phemer, tained
the
(if
viper.
luminous
ring
circling an astronomical body, but
enin-
frequently confounded with "aureola," or
somewhat similar phenomenon
"nimbus,"
worn
The
head-dress by divinities and saints.
as
halo
is
purely optical illusion, pro-
duced by moisture
in the air, in the
manner
of
rainbow; but the aureola
as
sign of superior sanctity, in the
way
as
bish bi shop op's 's mi re
is
conferred
same
or the Pope's tiara.
In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgpious artist of Pesth, not only do the
kin,
Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus, but nibbling hay from the sacred manger
an
ass
is
similarly
honor be
it
decorated said,
end
n.
to
his
lasting
appears to bear his unac-
customed dignity with
Hand,
and,
truly saintly grace.
worn human arm and commonly singular instrument
into somebody's pocket.
at the
thrust
130
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Handkerchief,
small square of silk
n,
or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the
face
and
serviceable
especially
The
funerals to conceal the lack of tears.
handkerchief cestors
is
duties to the
ducing
it
our an-
of recent invention
knew nothing sleeve.
of
at
and intrusted
it
Shakespeare's
its
intro-
into the play of ^^Othello"
an
is
Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr. Mary Walker and anachronism:
other reformers have done with tails in
our own day
ackw ac kwar ard. d.
lutions sometimes
Hangman,
An
n.
an evidence that revo-
officer of the
law charged and
with duties of the highest
most gravity, and held
are
trician, as in
the
dis-
criminal an-
In some of the American States his
functions
by
hereditary
populace having
esteem by cestry.
in
ut-
electricity first
now performed by
New
Jersey,
an elec-
where executions
have recently been ordered
instance
known
to
this
lexic-
ographer of anybody questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen.
Happiness,
n.
An
agreeable sensation arising
from contemplating the misery of another.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
131
speech by an opponent, who Harangue, n. is known as an harangue-outang.
Harbor, ter
place where ships taking shel-
n.
from storms are exposed
to the fury of
the customs.
Harmonists,
who came from Europe
extinct,
now
sect of Protestants,
n.
ginning of the
last
in the be-
century and were
dis-
tinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies
Hash,
There
x.
and
is
dissensions.
no definition for
nobody knows what hash
Hatchet,
n.
bury the hatchet,
For peace
axe,
word
is.
known among Ind-
Thomashawk.
ians as
"O
young
this
is
The Savage With imposing
Irascible
blessing," the
Red,
White
Man
said.
concurred, and that weapon interred, rites,
in the
White Man's
head.
John Lukkus.
Hatred,
n,
occasion
sentiment appropriate to the superiority.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
132
Head-Money,
capitation tax, or poll-
w.
tax.
king
In ancient times there lived
Whose
tax-collectors could not
From all To make For
his subjects gold
the royal
way
wring
enough
less
rough.
pleasure's highway, like the
Whose
premises adjoin
Perpetual
The
repairing.
tax-collectors in
it,
dames
claims
So
row
Appeared before the throne
to pray
Their master to devise some way
To
swell the revenue.
"So great,"
Said they, "are the demands of state tithe of all that
Will
we
collect
scarcely meet them.
Pray
reflect:
How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has
The "It
it
occurred to you to try
advantage of economy?" has,"
the
spokesman
said:
"we
sold
All of our gay garrotes of gold; plated-ware
we now compress
necks of those
whom we assess. we employ
With
The
Plain
To
mitigate the miser's joy
Who
hoards,
with greed that never
That which your Majesty Deep
lines of
tires,
requires."
thought were seen to plow
Their way across the royal brow.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE "Your
state
me
Pray favor
"O King
of
desperate,
is
with
Men,"
133
no question;
suggestion." the spokesman said,
"If you'll impose upon each head tax, the
augmented revenue
We'll cheerfully divide with you."
As
sun illume
flashes of the
The The
parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom,
"I decree
king smiled grimly.
That
it
and, not to be
be so
In generosity outdone, Declare you, each and every one.
Exempted from
Of
this
But
the operation
new law
lest the
of capitation.
people censure
me
Because they're bound and you are
free,
'Twere well some clever scheme were
By you I'll
laid
this poll-tax to evade.
leave you
now
With my most
while you confer
trusted minister."
The monarch from the throne-room walked And straightway in among them stalked silent
man, with brow concealed,
Bare-armed
his
gleaming axe revealed!
G.
Hearse,
Heart,
pump.
n.
n.
/.
Death's baby-carriage.
An
automatic, muscular blood-
Figuratively,
this
useful organ
said to be the seat of emotions
and
is
senti-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
134
ments ever,
fancy which,
very pretty
nothing but
is
versal
belief.
It
once uni-
survival of
now known
is
howthe
that
sentiments and emotions reside in the stom-
from food by chemical
ach, being
the process by
ing
The
exact
beefsteak becomes
feel-
gastric
which
fluid.
tender or not, according to the age of
the animal from
which
was
it
cut; the suc-
cessive stages of elaboration through
caviar sandwich
is
transmuted
fancy and reappears as
which quaint
to
pungent epigram;
the marvelous functional methods of con-
hard-boiled egg into religious con-
verting trition,
or
cream-puff into
these
ibility
ascertained by
things
M.
have
my
pp.)
him
lucidity.
ex-
(See,
and Certain In-
Gases Freed in Digestion
In
scientific
Delectatio
Hotton, for
work
entitled,
Demonorum
London,
sentiments
and
patiently
monograph. The Essent Essential ial Identi Identity ty
of the Spiritual Affections testinal
been
Pasteur, and by
pounded with convincing also,
sigh of sens-
1873)
receives
further
Dam's famous
this
687
believe,
Camden
view of the
striking illustration;
light
treatise
(John
4to,
consult
on Love as
of Alimentary Maceration,
Professor
Product
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Heat,
135
w.
Heat, says Professor Tyndall,
Of
His point; but
With
know
this
it
stops the stars
Crede expertum
burn
bestowed
a-moving,
fist
free
proving
he's
words
hot
human
will set the
skill
And where
know now how
but
motion,
mode
is
and wild.
have seen them, child.
Gorton Swope,
Heathen,
benighted creature
w.
who
has
the folly to worship something that he can see
and
feel.
According
to Professor
How-
ison, of the California State University,
He-
brews are heathens. "The Hebrews
are heathens!" says
Christian philosopher. scurril agnostical chap, if
Howison.
I'm you
please.
Addicted too much to the crime
Of
religious discussion
in
rhyme.
Though Hebrew and Howison cannot
On
modus vivendi
agree
not they!
Yet Heaven has had the designing of me.
And
To For
haven't been reared in
joy in the thick of the fray.
this of
And
Who
way
my
creed
the truth of
differs
it
from me
is
the soul and the gist,
aver: faith
is
an
'ist.
He's
THE COLLECTED WORKS
136
An
an
'ite,
or an
'Ic,
'er
And I'm down upon him
or her!
Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration
But
roast
And
that's all is
"nuts" to his nostril thin,
know by
running
he's
very well,
the smell
and personal Hell!
secret
Bissell
Heaven,
place where the wicked cease
n.
from troubling you with sonal affairs,
and the good
talk of their perlisten
with atten-
you expound
tion while
Hebrew,
Gip.
male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior w.
creation.
Helpmate,
n.
"Now, why
is
wife, or yer wife
Says the priest.
For
it's
the
al
helpmate,
called
"Since
She's niver assisted in
tt
time
what ye were
o'
yer
"But,
For
wooin'
at
naught ye arc ever doin*."
"That's true of yer Riverence," Patrick
And no
Pat?"
replies.
sign of contrition evinces;
bedad,
it's
to
fact
which the word
implies,
mate the expinses!"
Mar ley
WotteL
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Hemp, n. is made
137
plant from whose fibrous bark
an article of neckwear which
is
fre-
quently put on after public speaking in the
open
air
and prevents the wearer from
tak-
ing
Hermit,
person whose vices and follies
n.
are not sociable.
Hers, pron.
His.
To
pass the winter season in
domestic seclusion.
There have been many
Hibernate,
v.
i.
singular popular notions about the hiberna-
Many
believe that
the bear hibernates during the
whole win-
tion of various animals.
ter
and
paws.
subsists It
is
by mechanically sucking
its
comes out of
its
admitted that
it
retirement in the spring so lean that to
try twice before
Three or four fact
was
it
it
has
shadow.
can cast
centuries ago, in England, no
better attested than that swallows
passed the winter months in the
mud
at the
bottoms of the brooks, clinging together in globular
masses.
They have
apparently
been compelled to give up the custom on account of the foulness
brooks.
Escobius discovered in Central Asia
Sotus
whole
THE COLLECTED WORKS
138
who
nation of people
Lent
investigators, the fasting of to
which
the
significance;
ligious
is
supposed
modified form of
have been originally
hibernation, to
By some
hibernate.
Church gave
re-
view
was
but
this
strenuously opposed by that eminent author-
who did not wish any honthe memory of the Founder
Bishop Kip,
ity.
ors denied to
of his family.
HlPPOGRlFF^
An
n.
animal
which was half horse and griffin
lion
was
(now
extinct)
half griffin.
The
compound creature, half The hippogriff was eagle.
itself
and half
actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle,
which
The
two dollars and
is
study of zoology
Historian, History, events
full of
surprises.
broad-gauge gossip.
n.
n.
is
fifty cents in gold.
An
mostly
account
mostly
unimportant,
of
false,
which
are
brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers
Of Roman
mostly
fools.
history, great NIebuhr's
'Tis nine-tenths lying.
Ere
w^e accept great
Faith,
Niebuhr
shown 'twere known,
as
Wherein he blundered and how much he
lied.
Solder
Bupp.
OF A>IBBOSE BIERCE HOG,s. of
its
TcmzskMe for AeatAoUdtj
bird
and
appetite
hog
senriiig to illustrate diat
Among the Mahometans and JefiS,
of ours. tiie
is
not in favor as an article of
fcqi qiec ecle le fo the ddicacy of but is fc
the beaoqr of of
its
IM
voice.
the fowl
iti
It
its hahtti,
plumage and the dufcHj as
is
diet,
mdo^
soi^rtcr that
cage of him in fall
fstrrmrd;
dioros has been laiown to draw tean from
two
ersons at once.
of this dickj-bird
is
The
srimtifir
name
Parcms RockefetUri.
Mr. RoAeftUcT did not drawer the hog^ hot it is considered his bjr n^it of ManocL HodiCEorATHisr,
«.
The hu
og
st
of
the
medical profcsion.
HoMCEorATmr,
Asdboolof wqr between Allopadij and CtmHoMk Sdn.
To the last both odbers are distinctly mferior, for Christian Science will ence.
core imaginafy diseasrs, and they can not.
HoiOCme,*. The d^^ii^ of one faaman ing by anoth^.
be-
There are foor kinds of
homicide: fdonioaSy cKnablc;
and pndsewoftlqr, hut
it
nifciMe great dif
THE COLLECTED WORKS
140
ference to the person slain whether he
by one kind or another for
fell
the classification
is
of the lawyers.
HOMILETICS,
mons
The
n.
science of adapting ser-
and
to the spiritual needs, capacities
conditions of the congregation. So
was
skilled the parson
That
To
medicine the
With Upon
Of
moral purges and emetics
his
all
in homiletics
most
were compounded
spirit
just discrimination
founded
rigorous examination
tongue and pulse and heart and respiration.
Then, having diagnosed each His
scriptural specifics
Administered
And
this
physician
his pills so efficacious
souls afflicted with ten kinds of
Were
convalescent ere they
But Slander's tongue bilious
That
in the case of patients pills
mind
and
coated
scandalously
'em.
uttered
muttered
having money
were sugar and the pukes were honey. Biography
Honorable,
adj.
to
is
as,
scurvy cur."
of
Bishop Potter.
Afflicted with an impedi-
in one's reach.
orable;
Adam
knew they had
itself all
Her
ment
condition,
pukes of disposition so vivacious
That
The
one's
In legislative bodies
mention
all
members
as
"the honorable gentleman
it
honis
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Hope,
141
Desire and expectation rolled into
n.
one.
Hope! when naught
Delicious
Of
to
man
left
is
fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
When With
even his dog deserts him, and his goat tranquil disaffection chews his coat
While
The
yet
it
hangs upon his back; then thou,
far-flaming on
star
thine angel brow,
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint
The
promise of
clerkship in the Mint.
Fogarty fVejfing,
Hospitality,
n.
The
virtue
which induces
us
and lodge certain persons who are
to feed
not in need of food and lodging.
Hostility, ially
peculiarly sharp and spec-
n.
applied sense of the earth's overpopHostility
ulation.
passive; as
woman
classed as active and
the feeling of
(respectively)
for her
which she
is
female
friends,
and that
entertains for all the rest of her
sex.
HOURI^
n.
comely female inhabiting the
Mohammedan
Paradise
to
make
things
cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in
her existence marks
noble discon-
142
THE COLLECTED WORKS
tent
whom
with his earthly spouse,
nies
By
soul.
that
he de-
good lady the Houris
are said to be held in deficient esteem.
House,
hollow edifice erected for the
n.
habitation of man, roach,
House
reward for
mouse, beetle, cock-
mosquito,
fly,
microbe.
rat,
bacillus
flea,
place of
of Correction,
political
and
and personal
service,
and for the detention of offenders and ap-
House
propriations.
building
mortgage on
and
with
steeple
dog,
pestilent beast kept
ises to insult
God,
of
House-
it.
on domestic prem-
persons passing by and appal
the hardy visitor.
House-maid,
erly person of the opposing sex
young-
employed
to
be variously disagreeable and ingeniously unclean
in
pleased
God
Houseless,
the
station
in
which
it
has
to place her.
Having paid
ad].
all
taxes on
household goods.
Hovel,
w.
The
fruit of
Palace.
Twaddle had Twiddle had
hovel,
palace;
flower called the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Twaddle
Or
said:
he'll
"I'll
143
grovel
bear him malice"
think
sentiment as novel
As
Down
castor
on
chalice.
upon the middle
Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle,
Who
began to
Feed upon the
lift his
noddle,
fiddle-
Faddle flummery, unswaddle
new-born
self-sufficiency
and think himself
model.
G.J,
Humanity,
race, collectively,
n.
exclusive of the anthropoid poets.
Humorist,
plague that would have
n.
soft-
ened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded
him
to dismiss Israel
with his best wishes, cat-quick. Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though
Whose His
He
still
to
gloom
inclined
simple appetite, untaught to stray,
brains,
renewed by night, consumes by day.
thinks, admitted to an equal sty,
graceful hog
would bear
his
company. Alexander Poke,
Hurricane^
n.
An
atmospheric demonstra-
144
THE COLLECTED WORKS common
tion once very
abandoned
now
but
tornado
generally
and
cyclone.
The hurricane is still in popular use in the certain oldand is preferred West fashioned sea-captains.
used in
also
is
upper
the
of
the construction
It
decks
of
steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted
Hurry,
n.
Husband,
The n.
dispatch of bunglers.
One who, having
charged with the care of the
Hybrid^
Hydra,
pooled
n.
dined,
is
plate.
issue.
kind of animal that the ancients
n.
catalogued under
Hyena,
it.
many
heads.
beast held in reverence by
n.
oriental nations
from
its
some
habit of frequent-
ing at night the burial-places of the dead.
But the medical student does Hypochondriasis,
own
n.
that.
Depression
of
one's
spirits.
Some heaps
Where
of trash
upon
vacant lot
long the village rubbish had been shot
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Displayed
sign
among
"Hypochondriasis."
It
and
the stuff
meant The Dumps. Bogul
Hypocrite,
One who,
n.
145
Purvy,
S.
professing virtues
that he does not respect, secures the advant-
age of seeming to be what he despises.
is
the
word
first
the alphabet,
letter of
of the language, the
the mind, the
first
grammar
object of affection.
and singular number. myself
is
ians than
how
doubtless it
is
graceful
difficult,
use of
writer from the
manner
said to
grammar-
Conception of two myfine.
The
frank yet
good
distinguishes
bad; the of
person
author of this incom-
but
"I"
is
In
more than one
to the
to the
is
first
plural
there can be
parable dictionary. selves
Its
first
thought of
first
pronoun of the
be We^ but
the
latter carries
thief trying to
it
with
cloak his
loot.
Ichor,
n.
fluid that serves
goddesses in place of blood.
the gods and
146
THE COLLECTED WORKS speared by Diomed,
Fair Venus,
Restrained the raging chief and said:
"Behold, rash mortal,
Your
soul's stained
whom
you've bled
white with ichorshed!"
Mary Doke. Iconoclast,
breaker of idols, the wor-
w.
whereof
shipers
are
imperfectly gratified
by the performance, and most strenuously he unbuildeth but
that
protest
that
reedify,
doth not
he pulleth down but pileth
For the poor things
not up.
have
other idols in place of those he thwacketh
upon the mazzard and
"Ye
iconoclast saith
for ye need
dispelleth.
shall
at all,
them not; and
if
the rebuilder
fooleth round hereabout, behold the head of
he squawk
tribe
him and
sit
will de-
thereon
of
whose influence
large and powerful in
human
affairs has
always been dominant and controlling. Idiot's activity field of
is
The
not confined to any special
thought or action, but "pervades and
regulates the whole."
He
in everything; his decision
He
till
it."
member
Idiot, «.
But the
sets
has the last is
word
unappealable.
the fashions of opinion and taste,
BIERCE
OF
147
and
of speech
dictates the limitations
cir-
cumscribes conduct with
Idleness,
model farm where the devil
n.
experiments with seeds of
new
motes the growth of staple
Ignoramus,
and pro-
vices.
person unacquainted with
n.
certain kinds of self,
sins
knowledge familiar
to
your-
and having certain other kinds that you
know nothing
about.
Dumble was an ignoramus,
Mumble was Mumble said
for learning famous. to
more humble.
"Ignorance
Not
spark have you of knowledge
That was
Dumble You're
Of
Dumble:
got in any college."
said to
Mumble: "Truly
self-satisfied
things in college
knowledge
unduly.
I'm denied
you of
all beside."
Borellu
Illuminati,
n,
sect of
Spanish heretics of
the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called
because they were light weights
cunctationes illuminati.
148
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Illustrious,
adj.
shafts of malice,
Imagination,
Suitably placed
for
the
envy and detraction.
warehouse of
w.
facts,
with
poet and liar in joint ownership.
Imbecility, or sacred
kind of divine inspiration,
n.
fire affecting
censorious critics of
this dictionary.
Immigrant,
who
An
n.
unenlightened
person
thinks one country better than another.
Immodest, one's
Having
adj.
own
strong sense
merit, coupled with
feeble con-
ception of worth in others.
man
There was once Ever and ever
And
he had
That For
his
Of
its
so long ago,
him
modesty's
(Nature, they
That
In Ispahan
head, the phrenologists said,
fitted
show.
for
bump was
said,
summit stood
so
large
had taken
lump
freak)
far above the
wood
mountain peak.
his
So modest
man
in all Ispahan,
Over and over
swore
So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;
None
ever
was found
before.
of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Meantime
hump
the
awful
149
bump
Into the heavens contrived tc get height that they called the wight
so great
with
minaret.
man
There wasn't
in all
Ispahan
Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:
With
He
tireless
tongue and
bump
bragged of th
Till the Shah in
Bearing
rage sent
sack and
saddest
man
trusty page
bow-string too,
And that gentle child "A little present for The
brazen lung
explained as he smiled:
you."
in all Ispahan,
Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.
"If
Fd
Had
lived," said he,
given
me
"my
humility
deathless fame!"
Sukker Uffro,
Immoral,
Whatever
Inexpedient.
adj.
and with regard
the
number
of instances
men
in
to the greater
find to be generally
inexpedient comes to be considered wrong,
wicked, immoral.
If
man's notions of right
and wrong have any other of expediency;
have originated, have
if
basis than this
they originated, or could
in
in themselves
any other way;
if
actions
moral character apart
150
THE COLLECTED WORKS
from, and nowise dependent on, their conthen
sequences
philosophy
all
and
lie
is
disorder of the mind.
reason
Immortality,
n.
toy which people cry for,
And
on
knee ee their kn
appl ap pl
for,
Dispute, contend and He for.
And if Would
allowed be right proud
Eternally to die for.
G.J,
Impale,
v.
In popular usage
t.
any weapon which
wound. impale
remains
This, however, properly,
is,
thrusting
to pierce
to
put
to
death
stake
into
left in
This was
tiquity,
and
is
still
in
of
the
by the
punishof
an-
high favor in China
and other parts of Asia. ginning
to
sitting post-
common mode of ment among many of the nations
ure.
the
in
inaccurate;
is
an
body, the victim being
fixed
with
fifteenth
Down
to the be-
century
it
was
widely employed in "churching" heretics
and
schismatics.
Wolecraft
"stoole of repentynge,"
mon
people
it
calls
it
the
and among the com-
was jocularly known
as "rid-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Ludwig
ing the one legged horse."
mann informs is
in
151 Salz-
Thibet impalement
considered the most appropriate punish-
ment
for crimes
though
in
China
against religion; it is
most frequently ad-
To
in cases of sacrilege.
in actual experience of
the person
impalement
it
must
matter of minor importance by what
be
kind of
civil
or
doubtless he tion
if
dissent
religious
made acquainted with would
he was
discomforts; but
its
certain satisfac-
feel
able to contemplate himself in the
weather-cock on the spire of
character of the
al-
sometimes awarded for
secular offences,
judged
and
True Church.
Impartial,
adj.
Unable
to
perceive
of personal advantage
ing either side of either of
any
from espous-
controversy or adopting
two conflicting opinions.
Impenitence,
n.
state of
ate in point of time
mind
between
sin
intermedi-
and pun-
ishment.
Impiety, deity.
w.
Your
irreverence
toward
my
152
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Imposition,
The
n.
act of blessing or conse-
crating by the laying on of hands
mony common
many
ecclesiastical
performed with the frankest
tems, but
by the
cerity
to
cere-
known
sect
syssin-
as Thieves.
"Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson,
priest
and
dervise,
"We consecrate your cash To ecclesiastic service. No doubt you'll swear till At
and lands
all
Is
blue
Do."
such an imposition.
Polio Doncas.
Impostor,
rival
w.
aspirant
to
public
honors.
Improbability, His
he told with
tale
And
n.
tender,
solemn face
melancholy grace.
Improbable 'twas, no doubt,
When But
you came to think
the fascinated
out,
it
crowd
Their deep surprise avowed
And
with
all
Twas
the most
All save one
But
As
single voice averred
who
sat as
if
amazing thing they'd heard spake never
word,
mum
deaf and dumb.
Serene, indifferent and unstirred.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Then
And
all
the others turned to
alive;
But he seemed
And As
if
to thrive
tranquiler
grow each minute,
there were nothing in
"What! what!"
At what our
you not amazed
He
friend has told?"
raised
and gazed
way
natural
And
it.
cried one, "are
his eyes
In
him
him limb from limb
scrutinized
Scanned him
158
proceeded to say.
As
he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:
"O
no
not at all; I'm
Improvidence,
liar
myself."
Provision for the needs of
n.
to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
Impunity,
n.
Inadmissible, sidered.
which
Wealth. adj.
Not competent
to
be con-
Said of certain kinds of testimony
juries are
supposed to be unfit
entrusted with, and
which judges,
to
be
therefore,
rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. ible
because
sworn and ination ary,
Heresay evidence
is
the
person
is
inadmiss-
quoted
was un-
not before the court for exam-
yet most
political,
momentous
commercial
actions, milit-
and
of
every
other kind, are daily undertaken on hear-
154
WORKS
THE There
say evidence.
no religion
is
world that has any other Revelation
evidence.
in the
basis
hearsay evidence;
is
have only the
word of God we testimony of men long dead
whose
is
that the Scriptures are the
who any they
identity
not clearly established and
known to have been sworn Under the rules of evidence
are not sense.
now
in
exist
assertion in the Bible has in
evidence admissible in
its
as
no single
country,
this
in
support any
court of law.
It
cannot be proved that the battle of Blen-
heim ever was fought,
that there
was such
person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.
But
as
records of
admissible,
powerful
easily
proved
be
scourge
to
mankind.
evidence (including confession) upon
which
women were
certain
convicted
witchcraft and executed was without it is still
unimpeachable.
ions based on
law.
that
and malevolent magicians once
and were
existed
The
can
it
are
justice
Nothing
it
in
The
were sound
flaw;
judges' decis-
in logic
and
in
any existing court was ever
more thoroughly proved than of witchcraft and sorcery for suffered death.
of
If there
the charges
which
so
many
were no witches,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE human
and human
testimony
155
reason
are
alike destitute of value.
Inauspiciously^
manner,
Among
auspices
the the
Romans
state
to
it
being
unfavorable.
was customary be-
from the augurs, or
obtain
prophets,
unpromising
any important action or
fore undertaking enterprise
an
In
adv.
some hint
of
probable
its
outcome; and one of their favorite and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted the
omens
thence derived being called auspices.
News-
in observing the flight of birds
paper reporters and certain miscreant ographers have
lexic-
decided that the word
always in the plural
age" or "management"
shall as,
mean "patron"The festivities
were under the auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"
or,
"The
the
hilarities
were
Knights of Hunger." Roman slave appeared Before the Augur.
auspicated one day
"Tell me, pray,
made
here the Augur, smiling,
If
checking gesture and displayed
His open palm, which plainly
For
visibly
its
itched,
surface twitched.
denarius (the Latin nickel) Succ Su cces essf sful ully ly al alla laye ye
And
the
tickle.
then the slave proceeded
"Please
by
156
THE COLLECTED WORKS Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure in
To-night Its
(if
what
be dark) shall try.
it
Never mind
nature?
'Tis writ on this"
think
Which darkened
half
Another denarius
to view,
the earth,
face ce at atte tent ntiv iv Its shining fa
Then
slipped
Who
it
wink
and with
into the
good man's hand,
"Wait
retire to question Fate."
That holy
person then withdrew
His sacred clay an
through
ss
The temple's rearward gate, Waving his robe of office. Each sacred peacock and
its
cried "Shoo!'*
Straight
mate
(Maintained for Juno's favor)
With clamor from
Where
The
fled
the trees o'erhead,
they were perching for the night.
temple's roof received their flight,
For thither they would always
When
go.
danger threatened them below.
Augur went:
Back
to the slave the
"My
son, forecasting the event
By
must confess
flight of
The
auspices deny success."
That
slave retired,
sadder
Abandoning
his secret plan
Which was
(as well the crafty seer
Had from the The wall and
On
drew
scanned,
with great gravity said:
While
he
first
divined) to clear
fraudulently seize
Juno's poultry in
trees.
G.
7.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Income^
The
w.
measure
and
157
natural and rational gauge
of
the
respectability,
monly accepted standards being
com-
artificial,
arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Syco-
Chrysolater"
phas
remarked, property
"the (in
use
true
play has justly
the
in
and function of
whatsoever
consisteth
it
coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff,
may be named as holden own subservience) as also
or anything which of right to one's
honors,
of
and
titles,
preferments
and
favor and acquaintance of persons
all
of quality or ableness, are but to get
Hence to
place,
it
foUoweth that
be rated
as of
worth
money.
all
in
measure of their
serviceableness to that end; and their pos-
should
sessors
take
rank
thereto, neither the lord of
in
an unproducing
manor, howsoever he yet
who the
agreement ancient,
nor
bears an unremunerate dignity, nor
pauper
king,
being
esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches
are of
daily accretion;
should they whose wealth
is
and hardly
barren claim
and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." Incompatibility,
n.
In matrimony
simil-
158
THE COLLECTED WORKS of
arity
particularly
tastes,
the
for
taste
domination. Incompatibility may, however,
meek-eyed matron living
consist of
around the corner. to
wear
even been known
It has
moustache.
IncOMPOSSIBLE^ thing else ible
just
Two
exists.
when
Unable
ad].
the
to exist if
some-
things are incomposs-
world of being has scope
enough for one of them, but not enough for
Walt Whitman's poetry and God's
both
as
mercy
to
seen,
stead
is
man.
only incompatibility
mean
yourself
we
words, "Sir,
and
it
an
In-
"Go
heel
you on
sight," the
are incompossible,"
equally
significant
courtesy
stately
in
to kill
will be
let loose.
such low language as
of
convey
Incompossibility,
would
intimation
are
altogether
race of
highly im-
superior.
Incubus^
n.
One
of
proper demons who, though probably not
wholly
extinct,
may
their best nights.
of
be said to have seen
For
complete account
tncubi and succubi, including incuba,
and succubcB, Protassus
much
see the
(Paris,
Liber
1328),
curious information
Demonorum which that
of
contains
would be
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
159
dictionary intended as
out of place in
text-book for the public schools.
Victor
Hugo
Channel
relates that in the
tempted more than
Islands Satan himself
elsewhere
by the beauty of
the
doubtless
sometimes
at
plays
women, incubus,
greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames
who wish
to
be loyal
to their
marriage vows, generally speaking. applied
lady
ain
how
learn
to
parish
the
they might,
in
tinguish the hardy intruder
the
cert-
priest
dark,
from
to
dis-
their hus-
The holy man said they must feel brow for horns; but Hugo is ungallant
bands. his
enough the
doubt of the efficacy of
hint
to
test.
Incumbent, est to the
Indecision^
person of the liveliest inter-
n.
outcumbents. n.
The
chief element of success;
"for whereas," saith Sir "there divers
is
but one
ways
surety, only
hath as
to
do nothing and
do something, whereof,
one
is
the right way,
it
to
follow-
who from indecision standeth not so many chances of going he who pusheth forwards"
eth that he still
to
way
Thomas Brewbold,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
160
most clear and satisfactory exposition of the matter.
"Your prompt
decision to attack," said
General Grant on
certain occasion to
Gen-
Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make up your mind
eral
in."
"Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate,
"it
what
exactly
to
to
attack
to
moment
never hesitate
or
toss
know
When
do in an emergency.
doubt whether
in
thing
great
is
retreat
up
cop-
per."
"Do you mean this
to say that's
what you did
time?"
"Yes,
General; but for
me:
don't
Indifferent^ distinctions
"You
among
"YouVe grown
disobeyed the coin."
things.
man!"
cried
Indolentio's
drawled with
"I would be, dear, but
it
is
slow smile;
not worth while."
Apuleius
and
w.
disease
conviction
M.
Gokul.
which the patient
his friends frequently
religious
wife,
indifferent to all in life."
"Indifferent?" he
Indigestion^
sake
Imperfectly sensible to
adj.
tiresome
Heaven's
mistake for deep
and concern for the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE As
salvation of mankind.
Man
of
161
the simple
the western wild put
with,,
it,
must be confessed,
Inexpedient,
The
w.
guilt of
Not
adj.
it
"Plenty-
well, no pray; big bellyache, heap
Indiscretion,
Red
God."
woman.
calculated to advance
one's interests.
Infancy,
n.
according
about us."
The to
period of our lives when,
Wordsworth,
The world
"Heaven
lies
begins lying about
us pretty soon afterward.
Inferi^,
(Latin.)
n.
and Romans, the
Among
sacrifices
the
for propitation of
Dii Manes, or souls of dead heroes
the pious ancients could not invent
gods to
Greeks
to satisfy their spiritual needs,
number
have
as
sailor
might
for
enough and had
of makeshift deities, or,
say, jury-gods,
which they
made
out of the most unpromising mater-
ials.
It
was while
the spirit of
sacrificing
Agamemnon
priest of Aulis,
bullock to
that Laiaides,
was favored with an audi-
ence of that illustrious warrior's shade, prophetically recounted to
him
who
the birth of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
162
Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giv-
ing
him
also
rapid but tolerably complete
down
review
The
Louis.
that point,
ing of
King There and
narrative
owing
cock,
of
Men
is
fine
ended abruptly
at
crow-
to the inconsiderate
which compelled the ghosted to
scamper back
Hades.
to
mediaeval flavor to this story,
as it has not
than
to the reign of Saint
been traced back further
Pere Brateille,
but obscure
pious
writer at the court of Saint Louis,
we
shall
probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal,
signor
Capel's
might be
judgment
different;
and
though Mon-
of
matter
the
bow
that
to
wow. Infidel^
n.
In
New
York, one
who
does not
believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one
who
does.
(See GlAOUR.)
kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent
and
niggardly
contributory
to,
ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons,
of,
divines,
monks,
moUahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates,
obeah-men, abbes, nuns, mission-
aries, exhorters,
priests,
deacons, friars, hadjis, high-
muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men,
confessors, eminences, elders, primates, pre-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE pilgrims,
bendaries,
beneficiaries,
163
imaums,
prophets,
vicars-choral,
clerks,
arch-
bishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers,
palmers,
padres, curates,
men,
patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beads-
canonesses,
deans,
residentiaries,
diocesans,
subdeans,
abdals,
charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, classleaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, tala-
poins, centors, ences,
postulants,
beadles,
fakeers,
gooroos, sextons,
mudjoes,
chaplains,
prerever-
perpetual
cenobites,
revivalists,
curates,
novices,
scribes,
readers,
ulemas,
vicars,
lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors,
church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans,
acolytes,
In politics,
n.
given in exchange for
Infralapsarian, believe that less
he had person's
beginning.
w.
Adam mind
Supralapsarians, less
cures,
sophis,
pumpums.
mutifs and
Influence^
rectors,
visionary quo
substantial quid,
One who
ventures
to
need not have sinned unto
in opposition to the
who
hold that that luck-
fall
was
decreed
from
the
Infralapsarians are sometimes
THE COLLECTED WORKS
164
called Sublapsarians without material effect
upon
the importance and lucidity of their
Adam. Two To An
theologues once, as they
wended
their
way
chapel, engaged in colloquial fray
earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,
Concerning poor
Twas
Adam
Predestination," cried one
Decreed he should
"Not
of his
fall
"for the
own
fall.
Lord
accord."
'twas Free will," the other maintained,
so
"Which
and what made him
led
him
to choose
what the Lord had
ordained."
So
fierce
and so
That nothing bu So
fiery
bloo bl oods dshe he
off flew their cassocks
And, moved by the Ere
By
grew the debate
either
dudgeon could
and caps
spirit,
had proved
their
to the
sate;
ground
hands went round.
their
his theology right
winning, or even beginning, the
fight,
gray old professor of Latin came by, staff in
And
his
scowl in
learning the cause of their quarrel
As
Of
hand and sparred
they
disputed
(for
with
still
skill
foreordinational freedom of will)
Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
Atwixt
ye's
no difference worthy of blows.
The sects ye belong to I'm ready to swear Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. clown! You Infralapsarian son of Should only contend that
While you
Adam
slipped
down;
you Supralapsarian pup!
Should nothing aver but that
Adam
slipped up."
OF AMBROSE BIERCE It's
same whether up or down
all the
You
on
slip
peel of
banana brown.
Even Adam analyzed not But thought he had
his blunder,
slipped on
peal of thunder!
G.J,
Ingrate,
One who
n.
another, or "All
men
is
"Nay,"
philanthropist replied;
never since has
Nor
man one day cursed me to repay,
vilified."
cried the cynic,
With
from
otherwise an object of charity.
"I
"Ho!"
benefit
are ingrates," sneered the cynic.
The good
Who
receives
veneration
"lead
am
me
to
him
straight
overcome,
And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your grieve to state He cannot bless you, for The man is dumb."
fate
Artel Selp,
Injury,
An
n.
enormity
to
Injustice,
w.
that
we
selves
is
offense
next
in
degree
of
slight.
burden which of
all
those
load upon others and carry ourlightest in the
hands and heaviest
upon the back. Ink,
n.
villainous
compound
of
tanno-
166
THE COLLECTED WORKS and
gum-arabic
water,
gallate
of
chiefly
used to facilitate the infection of
iron,
The
idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory:
it
may
be used
and unmake them;
make
to
blacken them and to
to
make them white; but
it
together the
stones
whitewash
fame, and as
most generally
is
and acceptably employed bind
reputations
mortar
as
to
an edifice of
in
to conceal after-
material. ward the rascal quality There are men called journalists who have
which some persons
established ink baths
pay money
Not
to get into, others to get out of.
infrequently
it
has paid to get in pays twice as
who
person
occurs that
much
to get
out.
Innate,
Natural,
adj.
ideas, that
is
with, having to us.
The
inherent
as
we
to say,
innate
are born
had them previously imparted doctrine of innate ideas
is
one
of the most admirable faiths of philosophy, itself
an
innate
inaccessible to disproof, ishly
black
supposed himself eye.''
Among
mentioned the belief
idea
and therefore
though Locke to
have given
innate ideas
foolit
"a
may
be
in one's ability to con-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
167
newspaper, in the greatness of one's
duct
country, in th in
tion,
affairs
supe su peri rior orit it
of one's civiliza-
the importance of one's personal
and
in the interesting nature of one's
diseases.
In'ards,
The
n.
Many
other bowels.
do not
stomach,
organ known
an in'ard, but that
renowned
acute observer is
and
soul
eminent investigators
class the soul as
Gunsaulus,
heart,
Dr.
persuaded that the mysterious as
the spleen
our immortal part.
is
To
nothing
less
the contrary.
Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul
is
that prolongation of his spinal
row which forms
the pith of his no tail
mar-
and
for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that tailed
no is
souls.
best
animals have
Concerning these two
theories,
it
suspend judgment by believing
to
both.
Inscription, thing.
n.
Something written on another
Inscriptions are of
many
kinds, but
mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the
fame
of
hand down
some
illustrious
to distant ages the
person
and
record of his
THE COLLECTED WORKS
168
services
and
To
virtues.
name
this class of inscrip-
John Smith, penFolWash shin ingt gton on mo monu nume ment nt on the Wa
tions belongs the
ciled
of
lowing are examples of memorial inscripEPITAPH.)
on
tions
"In
my
sky
the
soul
found,
is
And my body in the ground. By and by my body'Il rise To my spirit in the skies, Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878."
"Sacred
down May
memory
the
to
of
Jeremiah Tree.
Cut
mos. and 12
9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs.
ds.
Indigenous."
long
sore
"Affliction
Phisicians
was
time
she
boar,
in vain,
Till Deth released the dear deceased
And Gone
to join
"The As
clay
Silas
Now, It
her
was
remain.
Ananias that
to
me
let
he ad advi vi
in
rests
Wood was
lying here,
Man, Is
left
the
beneath
this
ask
to be S.
what good
Wood.
trou oubl bl not ambition tr of Silas
stone
widely known.
you. yo u.
W."
"Richard Haymon, of Heaven. 20,
bliss."
Fell to Earth Jan.
1807, and had the dust brushed off him
1874."
Oct.
3,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE INSECTIVORA,
169
w.
"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
"How
Providence provides for
His creatures!"
all
"His' care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
For us
He
swallows."
has provided
Sempen
Insurance^
An
n.
ingenious
Railey.
modern game
chance in which the player
of
permitted to
is
enjoy the comfortable conviction that he beating the
man who
me House Owner:
house
annual
pray
let
premium
so
keeps the table.
My
Insurance Agent: insure
dear
less
fine
is
it.
With
Please
pleasure.
make the
low that by the time when, it
ac-
will probably
will have paid you considerably
fire
than the face
policy.
Insurance Agent: afford to do that.
that
sir,
cording to the tables of your actuary, be destroyed by
is
We
must
we
no
dear,
fix the
could
premium
not
so that
you will have paid more.
House Owner:
How, then, can Insurance Agent: Why, your down
at
any time.
afford that?
house
There was Smith's
may burn house,
for
example, which
House Owner: house, on th son's house,
Spare
ontr on tr ry
me
there
and Jones's house, and Robin-
which
Insurance Agent:
were Brown's
Spare mel
170
THE COLLECTED WORKS
House Owner: Let us understand You want me to pay you money on the that something will occur
by yourself for expect as
me
my
it
it
actuary's tables
to
if
your house burns with-
total loss.
Beg your pardon
your
own
when
it
would otherwise have paid
premiums to
^by
probably have saved,
shall
amounting
you
the time set
to
house will not last so long
But
will be
House Owner: burns, all the
supposition
will probably last.
Insurance Agent out insurance
other.
In other words, you
occurrence.
its
to bet that
you say that
previously
each
more than
they would have bought.
the face
But suppose
policy
it
to burn, un-
before the time upon which your figures are
insured,
based.
could not afford that,
If
how
could you
if it
were insured?
Insurance Agent: O, we
should make ourselves
our luckier ventures with
other clients.
Virtually, they pay your loss.
House Owner:
And
Are not
to
pay their losses?
as
mine
as
you must pay them?
to
you expect
help
virtually, then, don't
houses
as
likely
burn before they have paid you
as
much
to take
The
their
case
stands this way:
more money from your
clients than
you pay to them, do you not?
Insurance Agent:
House Owner: money.
Very
Certainly;
would not
well, then.
If
it
is
if
we
trust
did not
you with
certain,
my
with refer-
ence to the whole body of your clients, that they lose
money on you of them, that he ies
that
make
probable, with reference to any one is
these individual probabilit-
the aggregate certainty.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Insurance Agent:
will not deny
at the figures in this
pamph
House Owner:
Heaven
spoke
likely to
you an incentive
to thrift.
House Owner: care
of
B*s
money
charitable
as
Deign
to
willingness
its
me.
We
of
the
Will offer
take
to
not peculiar to insurance,
command
you
institution
accept
to
squander
The is
saving
of
premiums which you would otherwise pay you not be more
but look
it
forbid!
You
Agent:
Insurance
171
from
expression
but
esteem.
Deserving
Object.
Insurrection^
An
n.
unsuccessful
revolu-
tion. Disaffection's failure to substitute
rule for
mis-
bad government.
Intention,
The
n.
mind's sense of the pre-
valence of one set of influences over another set;
an effect whose cause
is
the imminence,
immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary
Interpreter^
n.
act.
One who
of different languages
enables two persons to
understand each
other by repeating to each what
have been
to the interpreter's
it
would
advantage for
the other to have said.
Interregnum,
n.
The
period during which
172
THE COLLECTED WORKS
monarchical country
is
governed by
spot on the cushion of the throne.
warm The ex-
periment of letting the spot grow cold has
commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy per-
make
sons to
Intimacy,
warm
it
again.
which
relation into
n.
drawn
providentially
for their
fools are
mutual de-
struction.
Two And
t'other
pleasant sense
powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets
So close
One
their
for
intimacy grew
would have held the two.
paper
confidences
straight
they
fell.
Less anxious each to hear than
Then
To
tell;
each remorsefully confessed
all
the virtues he possessed.
Acknowledging he had them So
it
The more Their
snug
the
common mug.
Enjoyment of
To
in blue
one in white, having each
Of
one
Sefdlitz powders,
they
spirits
was said,
in
sin.
the
more they
felt
with emotion melt.
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their
feelings.
Then
they effervesced!
OF AMBROSE BIERCE So Nature executes her
Of wrath on The good old That you
are
Introduction,
friends
173
feats
and sympathetes
who won't apply, am I. you and rule
ceremony
social
n.
in-
vented by the devil for the gratification of his servants
The
and the plaguing of
introduction attains
development
in
its
his enemies.
most malevolent
country,
this
being,
in-
deed, closely related to our political system.
Every American being the equal of every other American,
has
follows that everybody
it
know everybody
to
which implies the
else,
right to introduce with-
The Declaration
out request or permission.
of Independence should have read thus:
"We men
hold these truths to be self-evident: that
are created equal; that they are
Creator with certain these are If
life,
inalienable
and the right
miserable by thrusting upon ity
of
to
to
ascertaining
if
they
rights;
make
him an
acquaintances; liberty,
endowed by that
all
their
among
that of another
incalculable quant-
particularly the
to
one
another
are
not
already
liberty
without
first
acquainted
as
enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with stra rang nger ers. s. running pack of st
Inventor,
n,
person
who makes
an ingen-
174
THE COLLECTED WORKS arrangement
ious
of
and believes
springs,
IRRELIGION,
The
n.
it
wheels,
and
levers
civilization.
principal one of
faiths of the world.
Itch^
is
use
The
n.
Scotchman.
patriotism of
consonant in English, but some nations it
as
than which nothing could
vowel
be more absurd.
Its original
form, which
has been but slightly modified, was that of
subdued dog, and
the tail of letter
throw," because
"to
verb, jacere, is
thrown
as
Latin
when
dog the dog's
at
assumes that shape. This letter,
was not
character, standing for
but
stone
it
is
tail
the origin of the
expounded by the renowned Dr.
Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade,
who
established his conclusions on
the subject in
umes
and
work
committed
reminded that the
had originally no
of three quarto vol-
suicide
in the
curl.
on
Roman
being
alphabet
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Jealous^ adj.
Unduly concerned about
preservation of that if
175
which can be
lost
the
only
not worth keeping.
Jester^
An
n.
officer
king's household,
formerly attached to
whose business
amuse the court by ludicrous
it
was
and
actions
utterances, the absurdity being attested his
The king
motley costume.
ing attired with dignity,
some centuries
to
by
himself be-
took the world
it
own
to discover that his
con-
duct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for the
amusement not only
of all mankind.
called
fool,
The
of his court but
jester
was commonly
but the poets and romancers
have
to
represent
him
singularly wise and witty person. circus of to-day the
as
In the
melancholy ghost of the
court fool effects the dejection of humbler
audiences in life
with the same
jests
he gloomed the marble
the patrician sense of
tank of royal
hall,
panged
humor and tapped
tears.
The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester
Who
wherewith
entered the confessional
Disguised, and there confessed her.
the
176
THE COLLECTED WORKS "Father,"
My
love
"thine
she are
my
more than
The
scarlet:
base-born varlet."
"Daughter," the mimic
prie priest st repl replie ied, d,
indeed,
is
awful:
church's pardon
is
denied
To "But
sin,
love that
down
bend
blaspheming clown,
fool
And common,
"That
ear
is
unlawful.
since thy stubborn heart will be
For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
man
of birth
and breeding."
She made the fool
With Heaven's
Then
told
Who
duke, in hope
taboo to palter;
priest,
who
told the Pope,
damned her from the
altar!
Barel Dort.
Jews-harp^
An
n.
played by holding trying to brush Joss-sticks,
n.
it
unmusical it
fast
with the teeth and
away with
Small
instrument,
sticks
the finger.
burned by the
Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation
of
of
our holy
religion.
Justice^
w.
commodity which
in
more or
OF AMBROSE BIERCE less
adulterated condition the State
the citizen as
reward for
and personal
taxes
is
177
consonant that
sells to
his allegiance,
service.
we
from the Greeks,
get
can be traced away back beyond them
but
it
to
the
commercial
small
Cerathians,
nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero.
In their tongue
it
was called Klatch, which
The form
means "destroyed."
orig igin inal ally ly pr prec ecis isel el was or the erudite
Dr.
was altered
to
of the letter
H, but
that of our
Snedeker explains that its
present shape
memorate
of
to
the
it
comgreat
temple of Jarute by an earthquake, circa
730 B. C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its portico, one of
which was broken
in half
by the catastrophe,
As
the other remaining intact.
form of the
letter is
supposed
suggested by these pillars,
by the great antiquary, as
ing
its
simple and natural
so,
later
the earlier
to
have been
it
is
thought
was adopted
not to say touch-
means of keeping the calamity ever
in
known
if
the national
memory.
It
is
not
178
THE COLLECTED WORKS name
the
was altered
of the letter
additional mnemonic, or
if
the
as
an
name was
always Klatch and the destruction one of nature's puns.
As each
able enough,
see
no objection
to believing
and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on
both
question.
that side
Keep,
theory seems prob-
v,
He
willed
And
away
whole
then in death he
Murmuring:
My
his
name
fell
"Well, at any unblemished
But when upon
Whose was
estate,
it?
the
asleep, rate,
shall
keep."
tomb 'twas wrought
for the dead keep naught.
Durang Gophel Arn.
Kill,
v,
/.
inating
KlLT^
To
create
vacancy without nom-
successor.
costume
w.
Scotchmen
in
sometimes
worn
America and Americans
by in
Scotland.
Kindness,
n.
brief preface to ten volumes
of exaction.
King,
«.
male person commonly known in
OF AMBROSE BIERCE America
"crowned head," although he
as
crown and has usually no
never wears
head
speak
to
179
of.
king, in times long, long gone by,
Said to his lazy jester:
were
"If
My moments No
"The
were merrily would
fly
care nor grief to pester."
you would thrive,"
reason, Sire, that
The
fool said
hear
"if you'll
it
Is that of all the fools alive
Who own
you for
The most
Fve
their sovereign,
forgiving spirit."
Oogum King's Evil,
malady
n.
Bern.
was formerly
that
cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has
now
be treated
to
"the most pious
th
ph si sici cian ans. s.
Edward"
to lay his royal
of
Thus
England used
his ailing subjects
and make them whole crowd of wretched
That
The
stay his cure: their
malady convinces
great essay of art; but at his touch,
Such sanctity hath Heaven given
They as the
souls
his hand,
presently amend,
"Doctor"
in
Macbeth hath
it.
This
THE COLLECTED WORKS
180
hand could,
useful property of the royal
appears,
be transmitted
crown properties;
it
along with other
for according to
"Mal-
colm," 'tis
To The
succeeding
the
royalty
he
spoken, leaves
healing benediction.
But the
gift
somewhere dropped out
of
the line of succession: the later sovereigns of
England have not been
tactual
healers,
and the disease once honored with the name "king's evil"
now
from
"scrofula,"
bears the
humbler one
scrofa,
sow.
The
of
date
and author of the following epigram are
known only but
it
is
to the
author of this dictionary,
old enough to show that the
about Scotland's national
disorder
is
jest
not
thing of yesterday.
Y^ Kynge
his evill in
Wh. he of Scottlande He layde his hand on "Be gone!" But I'm
The
Y^
ill
me
laye,
charmed awaye. mine and sayd:
no longer stayd.
y^ wofull plyght in
now
y-pight:
wh.
have y^ itche!
superstition that maladies can be cured
by royal
taction
is
dead, but like
many
OF AMBROSE BIERCE departed conviction of custom to keep
it
its
monument memory green. The has left
and shaking the
practice of forming
hand had no other
President's
when
181
origin,
and
that great dignitary bestows his heal-
ing salutation on
'strangely visited
All swoln and ulcerous,
The mere
despair
people,
pitiful to
the eye,
surgery,
of
he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled faith long held
at the altar-fire of
classes of
ing
men.
It
'^survival"
sainted past close
by
all
beautiful and edify-
is
which
one
home
to
brings
the
our "business and
bosoms."
KlSS^
rhyme in
word invented by
n.
for "bliss."
It
is
the poets as
supposed
general way, some kind of
mony
appertaining to
ing; but the
unknown
manner
of
w.
rite
or cere-
good understandits
performance
to this lexicographer.
Kleptomaniac,
to signify,
rich thief.
is
182
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Knight,
n.
Once
warrior gentle of birth,
Then
person of civic worth,
Now
fellow to
Warrior,
We
person,
move our and
mirth.
no more:
fellow
must knight our dogs
to
Brave Knights Kennelers then
get
any lower.
shall be,
Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, Knights of the Order of Knights of
God
Gorge and
St.
speed the day
Steboy,
St.
when
Sir
Knights Jawy.
this
knighting fad
Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad.
Koran,
book which the Mohammedans
w.
foolishly believe to
divine
know
inspiration, to
have been written by but
which
Christians
wicked imposture, contradict-
be
ory to the Holy Scriptures.
Labor^
n.
One
of the processes
by which
acquires property for B.
Land^
n.
part of the earth's surface, con-
sidered as property. is
property subject
and control
is
The to
theory that land
private
the foundation
ownership of
modern
OF AMBROSE BIERCE and
society,
worthy
eminently
is
superstructure. Carried to
its
183 of
the
logical conclu-
means that some have the right
sion, it
to
prevent others from living; for the right to
own
implies the right exclusively to occupy;
and
in
fact
laws
of
wherever property follows that is
if
the
in land
is
enacted
recognized.
whole area of
owned by A,
It
terra firma
and C, there will be no
place for D, E,
born as
are
trespass
and
to
be born,
or,
trespassers, to exist.
life
on the ocean wave,
home on
the rolling deep,
For the spark that nature gave have there the right to keep.
They
give
me
Whenever
Then ho I'm
the cat-o*-nine
go ashore.
for the flashing brine
natural commodore!
Dodle,
Language, |j
charm
n.
the
The music with which we serpents
guarding
another's
treasure.
Laocoon,
n,
famous piece of antique sculpt-
ure representing
priest of that
name and
THE COLLECTED WORKS
184
two sons
his
The
serpents.
which
the folds of two enormous
in
man and
the old
serpents
and
skill
with
diligence
lads support
and keep
their
to
have been justly regarded
the
work
one of the
as
noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of
human
Lap,
intelligence over brute inertia.
One
n.
of the most important organs of
an admirable provision
the female system
nature
of
for
the
repose
chiefly useful in
The male
mentary
infancy,
festivities to
of our species has
lap, imperfectly
no way contributing
but
support
and heads of adult
plates of cold chicken
males.
of
developed and
in
animal's sub-
the
to
rudi-
stantial welfare.
Last,
n,
shoemaker's implement,
frowning Providence the
maker
opportunity to
of puns.
Ah, punster, would
Where So that
And
as
named by
my
the cobbler
is
might forget
lot
were
cast,
unknown, his last
hear your own.
Gargo Repsky,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Laughter^
An
w.
ducing
185
interior convulsion,
of
distortion
the
pro-
and
features
accompanied by inarticulate
though intermittent, incur-
infectious and,
laughter
Liability to
able.
characteristics
from the
is
animals
distinguishing
these
being
not
inaccessible to the provocation of his ple,
is
one
man only
exam-
but impregnable to the microbes hav-
ing original jurisdiction in bestowal of the
Whether laughter could be im-
disease.
parted to animals by inoculation from the
human
patient
been
question that
is
Dr. Meir
answered by experimentation.
Witchell holds that the infectious character of laughter
mentation
From
of
is
due
sputa
this peculiarity
to instantaneous fer-
diffused
in
spray.
he names the disorder
Convulsio spargens.
Laureate, laurel.
Crowned with
adj.
leaves of the
In England the Poet Laureate
is
an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as
dancing skeleton
at
every royal feast and
singing-mute at every royal funeral.
incumbents
of
that
high
office,
Of
all
Robert
had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cut-
Southey
THE COLLECTED WORKS
186
and he had an
ting his hair to the quick istic
which enabled him
color-sense
blacken
public
aspect of
national crime.
Laurel^
w.
The
Apollo,
to
grief
to
give
so it
to
the
vegetable dedicated
laurus,
and
as
art-
formerly
defoliated
to
wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as
had influence
Law,
at court.
{Vide Supra,)
n.
Once Law was
sitting
And Mercy
on the bench,
knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come
Upon your
before
knees
if
me
creeping.
you appear,
'Tis plain your have no standing here."
Then
^^Your status? *^
His Honor cried:
Justice came.
devil seize
you!"
Arnica curiae," she replied
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted
"there's the door
never saw your face before!"
G.
Lawful,
adj.
Compatible with
judge having jurisdiction.
J.
of
AMBROSE BIERCE Lawyer^
One
n.
187
skilled in circumvention of
the law.
Laziness,
of
manner
person of low degree.
in
Lead^ in
Unwarranted repose
n.
heavy blue-gray metal much used
w.
giving stability to light lovers
who
arly to those
love not wisely but other
Lead
men's wives.
particul-
is
also of great service
counterpoise to an argument of such
as
weight that
turns the scale of debate the
it
wrong way.
An
chemistry
international
of
interesting
fact
of
human
universal arbiter;
With
patriot-
feuds the great
endowed
penetration to pierce any cloud
Fogging the
field of controversial hate,
And
swift,
with
inevitable,
straight.
Searching precision find the unavowed
But
By
vital
point.
Thy
judgment, when allowed
the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
useful metal!
We'd
were
it
not for thee
grapple one another's ears alway:
But when we hear thee buzzing
We, like And when
the
Jack
smelts
Satan
is
precipitated in great quantities.
Hail, holy Lead!
And
the
controversy
that at the point of contact of is
in
old Muhlenberg,
quick the
bee
"care not
have run dead
like
to
like
make new
stay."
pullets bullets.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
188
Learning,
w.
The kind
of ignorance disting-
uishing the studious.
Lecturer^
w.
One with
his
hand
your
in
pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in
your patience.
Legacy^ it
from one who
gift
w.
is
legging
out of this vale of tears.
Leonine^
adj.
Unlike
menagerie
ine verses are those in
of
line
which
rhymes with
end, as in this famous passage
lion.
Leon-
word word
in the
the
from Bella
Peeler Silcox:
The
electric light invades the
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores:
It should
dunnest deep of Hades.
"O
temporal
mores!"
be explained that Mrs. Silcox
does not undertake to teach the pronunciaation of the
Greek and Latin tongues. Leon-
ine verses are so called in
named Leo, whom
honor of
prosodists appear to find
pleasure in believing to have been the to discover that
run into
poet
first
rhyming couplet could be
single line.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Lettuce^
An
w.
189
herb of the genus Lactiica,
"Wherewith," says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly,
"God
has been pleased to
reward the good and punish the wicked.
For by
man
his inner light the righteous
manner
discerned
of
compounding
dressing to the appetency whereof
has
for
it
multi-
tude of gustible condiments conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of
the
oil,
entire
comestible
making glad
the heart of the godly and causing his face to
But the person
shine. is
unworth
of spiritual
successfully tempted of the Adversary to
eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, eggj salt
bath
and
vinegar
of
and with
garlic,
polluted
Wherefore the person
rascal
with
of spiritual
sugar.
unworth
an intestinal pang of strange com-
suffers
plexity and raises the song."
Leviathan,
n.
An
enormous aquatic animal
mentioned by Job.
Some suppose
been
but
the
whale,
that
it
to
have
distinguished
ichthyologer. Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University,
that
it
maintains
was
{Thaddeus
Maria
with
considerable
heat
species of gigantic Tadpole,
Polandensis)
pseudo-hirsuta.
or
PoUiwig
For an exhaustive
THE COLLECTED WORKS
190
Tadpole con-
description and history of the sult the
famous monograph of Jane Porter,
Thaddeus of Warsaw, Lexicographer,
who,
pestilent fellow
n.
under the pretense of recording some particular
stage
language,
growth, its
does
development
the
in
what he can
stiffen its flexibility
to
of
arrest
its
and mechanize
For your lexicographer, hav-
methods.
ing written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function
give
is
only to
The
law.
make
record, not to
natural servility of the
human understanding having
invested
with judicial power, surrenders reason if it
were
its
him
right of
submits
itself
statute.
Let the dictionary (for
chronicle
to
example) mark
good word
or "obsolescent"
and few men thereafter
venture to use
whatever their need of
it,
and however desirable
its
as "obsolete"
it
restoration to fa-
vor
^whereby the process
ment
is
of
impoverish-
accelerated and speech decays.
On
disc scer erni ning ng wr writ iter er the contrary, the bold and di
who, recognizing the truth that language
must grow by innovation
if
it
grow
makes new words and uses the old
at all,
in an un-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE familiar sense, has no following and
reminded that
although down to the time of the
(Heaven
cographer
forgive
word
author ever had used
of the great Elizabethans
possible,
at the other
and stronger than
was
fell
the lips
words that
and the language
was
slowly
vigorous growth
in
sweeter than honey the lexicographer
lion
which
his
Creator had not created
to create.
said:
"Let
Spirit perish into
lexicographers arose,
Thought
fled
and
left
her clothing, which they took,
scan the
"Excuse us
leafy covert clothes
list,
Form,"
swarm!
catalogued each garment in
Now, from her "Give me my
And
in the
unknown, the dictionary
person
creation
And
was
rapidly perishing at one
and hardy preservation
God And
that
own meaning and carried it in Shakspeare and very sound; when
renewed
him
no
him!)
their
Bacon were
now
first lexi-
when from
noon of English speech
their
tartly
In the golden prime and high
dictionary.
made
is
the dictionary"
isn't in
^'it
191
and
book.
when I'll
she cries:
return,"
they
rise
and say without compassion:
they are mostly out of fashion."
Sigismund Smith.
LlAR^
n.
lawyer with
roving commission.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
192
Liberty,
One
n.
of Imagination's most prec-
ious possessions.
The
rising People, hot
and out of breath,
Roared round the palace: "If
death will do,"
"Liberty or death!"
King
the
me
"let
said,
reign;
You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain."
Martha Braymance.
Lickspittle,
useful functionary, not in-
w.
he
his character to the
blackmailer by the
is
closely allied
tie of
occasional
identity; for in truth the lickspittle
the
under
blackmailer
though the detestable
confidence
and the parallel maintains for whereas
spiritual
n.
body from decay. hension of missed.
its
The
ing?" has been
is
man
is
yet
question,
much
an
more as
more
itself
through-
if
cheat,
he dare.
pickle preserving the
We
loss;
as
precisely
few robbers will
every sneak will plunder Life,
found
highway robber;
detestable than that of
out,
only
aspect,
Lickspittling
than blackmailing,
the business of
is
another
latter is frequently
independent species.
In
newspaper.
frequently found editing
live in daily appre-
when
lost
not
"Is life worth liv-
discussed; particularly
OF AMBROSE BIERCE by those who think have written their
it is
not,
many
193
whom
of
support of
at great length in
view and by careful observance of the
laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not
worth
and
living,
that's the truth,'*
Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
In manhood
And
held
When "Go
it
he maintained that view
still
more strongly the older he grew.
kicked by
fetch
me
jackass at eighty- three,
surgeon at once!" cried he.
Han
Lighthouse,
tall
w.
Soper.
building on the sea-
shore in which the government maintains
lamp and the friend LlMB^
The branch
n.
an American 'Twas
pair
And
To
politician.
tree or the leg of
of
woman. of
boots that
the salesman
laced
the
them
tight
very remarkable height think he ought
Higher, indeed, than
Higher than
right.
For the Bible declares It Is hardly
To
of
but never mind:
fit
censure freely and fault to find
With
others for sins that I'm not inclined
Myself
to
commit.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
194
Each has Is
and
weakness,
freedom from every
sin,
were unfair
It still
Discharging the
first
my own
though
pitch in,
censorious stone.
Besides, the truth compels
me
to say,
The boots in question were made that way. grimace, As he drew the lace she made him: And blushingly "This boot, I'm It
hurts
The
my
sure,
hurts
is
too high to endure,
my
salesman smiled in
Like an
artless,
Then, checking
limb."
manner mild.
undesigning child; himself, to his face he gave
look as sorrowful as the grave.
Though he
didn't care
For her pains and
As he
two
figs
throes,
stroked her toes,
Remarking with speech and manner Befitting his calling:
That
it
"Madam,
just
trust
doesn't hurt your twigs."
B. Percival Dike,
Linen,
"A
w.
which,
of
waste of hemp."
Litigant^
skin for the
as
hemp,
entails
Calcraft the
of
great
Hangman,
person about to give up his
n.
Litigation,
making
kind of
n.
hope of retaining
his bones.
machine which you go
pig and come out of
as
sausage.
into
OF AMBROSE BIERCE LlVER^
red organ
large
n,
provided by nature
which every
now knows
were anciently believed and
even
liter-
to infest the liver;
speaking
human
"our hepaticall parte."
The
haunt the heart
to
Gascoygne,
emotional side of
thoughtfully
be bilious with.
to
sentiments and emotions
ary anatomist
195
It
of
nature,
was
at
the
calls
it
one time
its
name
The
liver
is
heaven's best gift to the goose; without
it
considered the seat of liver, the
thing
we
life
live with.
would be unable
that bird
hence
to
supply us with
the Strasbourg pate.
LL.D.
Letters indicating the degree
tionorum Doctor, one learned with legal gumption. cast title
upon
this derivation
Legump-
in laws, gifted
Some
suspicion
by the
fact that the
is
was formerly ££.d,, and conferred
only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth.
At
the date of this writing
bia University of
is
Colum-
considering the expediency
anot ot er de degr gr making an
for clergymen, in
Damnator Diaboli. The new honor will be known as Sanctorum Custus, and written $$c. The name of the place of the old D.D.
Rev. John Satan has been suggested suitable recipient
by
as
lover of consistency.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
196
who ton
points out that Professor
Harry Thurs-
Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of
degree.
LOCK-AND-KEY,
The
n.
distinguishing device
of civilization and enlightenment.
Lodger,
popular name for the Sec-
less
n.
newspaper
ond Person
of
Trinity, the
Roomer, the Bedder and the
Logic,
n.
in strict
The
art of thinking
The
of
the
human misunderstand-
basic of logic
major and
consisting of
and
and reasoning
accordance with the limitations and
incapacities ing.
delectable
that
conclusion
is
the syllogism,
minor premise
thus:
Major Premise Sixty men can do piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise One man can dig postseconds; therefore
hole
Conclusion:
Sixty
men
can dig
post-
hole in one second.
This
may
be
syllogism arith-
metical, in which, by combining logic and
mathematics,
we
and are twice
blessed.
obtain
double certainty
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
war in which the weapons words and the wounds punctures in the
Logomachy, are
197
n.
kind of con-
swim-bladder of self-esteem test in
which, the vanquished
scious
of
reward of
the victor
defeat,
denied the
success.
'Tis said by divers
scholar-men
That poor Salmaslus Alas!
is
died of Milton's pen.
we cannot know
if
this is true,
For reading Milton's wit we perish
Longanimity, dure injury
maturing
Longevity,
too.
The disposition to enwith meek forbearance while n.
plan of revenge.
Uncommon
n.
extension of the
fear
Looking-glass,
which
vitreous
n.
to display
fleeting
plane
upon
show for man's
disillusion given.
The King
of
looking-glass,
not his
own
Manchuria had
magic
whereon whoso looked saw,
image, but only that of
certain courtier king's favor
who had
long enjoyed the
and was thereby enriched be-
yond any other subject of the realm, said the king:
"Give me,
to
pray, thy wonderful
198
THE COLLECTED WORKS
when absent out of thine may yet do homage before august presence
mirror, so that
thy visible shadow, prostrating myself night
and morning
thy benign
glory of
the
in
countenance, as which nothing has so divine
Noonday Sun
splendor,
of the Universe!"
the king com-
Pleased with
manded
that the mirror be conveyed to the
but
palace;
courtier's
having gone
after,
thither without apprisal, he found
it
in an
apartment where was naught but idle lum-
And
ber.
mirror was
the
dimmed with
dust and overlaced with cobwebs.
angered him that he
fisted
it
hard, shatter-
ing the glass, and was sorely hurt. all
more by
the
manded
into prison,
Enraged
mischance, he com-
ungrateful
the
that
thrown
this
This so
courtier
and that the
glass
be be
own palace; But when the king
repaired and taken back to his
and
was done.
this
looked again on the mirror he saw not his
image
as before,
crowned
ass,
having
one of
its
and
who had
all
discerned
but only the figure of
bloody bandage on
hinder hooves but
wisdom and
as
looked upon
feared
to
the artificers it
had before
report.
Taught
charity, the king restored his
courtier to liberty,
had the mirror
set into
OF AMBROSE BIERCE the back of the throne and years with
justice
day when he
while on
in
whole court saw
in the
day.
Loquacity^
disorder which renders the
n,
sufferer unable to curb his tongue
wish LORD^
mir-
which
ror the luminous figure of an angel,
remains
many
reigned
and humility; and one
fell asleep
the throne, the
199
when you
to talk.
In American society, an English
n.
above the
costermonger,
as,
Lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and
so
tourist
The
forth.
degree
state of
traveling
Briton
addressed as "Sir,"
is
the
is
sometimes used,
Supreme Being; but
The word title
of
thought
to
also, as
this
lesser
Sir 'Arry
as,
Donkiboi, of 'Amstead 'Eath.
"Lord"
of
is
be rather flattery than true reverence. Miss
Ann
Sallie
Splurge, of her
own
Wedded wandering English lord Wedded and took him to dwell with parent who throve by the practice Lord Cadde
Unworthy
Of
ha
accord,
her "paw," of
Draw.
don't hesitate here to declare
the father-in-legal care
ld
sport,
notwithstanding the truth
That Cadde had renounced For, sad to relate,
all the follies
of youth
at the stage
THE COLLECTED WORKS
200
Of existence Among them,
marked by the
that's
him
cupidity caused
vices
of
age.
to urge
Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge,
wrecked
Till,
in his fortune,
that gentleman
saw
Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw,
And
To
took,
means of augmenting
as
the business of being
His
neat-fitting
And
lord himself.
garments he wilfully shed
sack sa cked ed hi hims msel el
Denuded
his chin,
strangely in checks instead
but retained at each ear
whisker that looked like
He
his pelf,
blasted
career.
painted his neck an incarnadine hue
Each morning and varnished
The moony monocular Appeared
to
be
his
all
that
he knew.
set in his eye
scanning
the
His head was enroofed with
And
it
Sweet
Bye-and-Bye.
billycock hat.
low-necked shoes were aduncous and
flat.
In speech he eschewed his American ways,
Denying
And Of
the use of his A's
dulling their edge
till
the delicate sense
babe at their temper could take no offence.
His H's
The
his nose to
'twas most inexpressibly sweet.
patter they
made
Re-outfitted thus,
Began
as
as they fell at his feet!
Mr. Splurge without
Lord Splurge
his
fear
recouping career,
Alas, the Divinity shaping his end
Entertained other views and decided to send
His lordship
From
in horror, despair
nobleman's natural prey.
the land
For, smit with his Fell
suffering
and dismay
Old World ways. Lady Cadde
Caesar!
in
love
with
her
dad!
G.
/.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE jORE,
Learning
n.
which
is
particularly
not derived from
201
that
re ul ular ar
sort
ou se
of instruction but comes of the reading of
occult books, or by nature.
commonly designated
This
as folk-lore
braces popularly
latter
is
and em-
superstitions.
Curious Myths of the
Middle Ages
the reader will find
backward,
traced
these
peoples on converging
mon
origin
lines,
"The
of
various
com-
toward
"Teddy
these are the fables of Killer,"
through
Among
remote antiquity.
in
many
the Giant
Sharp John Red Riding Hood and
Sleeping
Williams," "Little
Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Bris-
the
"The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The
bane," fable
which
lates
under the
Goethe title
of
so
affectingly
re-
"The Erl-King" was
known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths is that Arabian tale of "All Baba and the Forty Rockefellers."
Loss,
had
n.
Privation of that which
not.
Thus, in the
latter
we
had, or
sense,
defeated candidate that he "lost
THE COLLECTED WORKS
202
and of that eminent man, the
his election"
poet Gilder, that he has is
word
is
mind."
Whose
loss
is
For while he
It
sense,
used in the famous epitaph:
Here Huntington's our
ashes long have lain
own
eternal gain,
exercised
all
Whatever he
LOVE^
his
former and more legitimate
in the
that the
''lost
his
powers
loss
was
ours.
temporary insanity curable by
n.
marriage or by removal of the patient from
which he incurred
the influences under
disorder. This disease, like caries
other
ailments,
prevalent
is
the
and many
among
only
civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing
and
from
eating its
food
simple
ravages.
more frequently
It
is
to the
enjoy
sometimes
pure
air
immunity fatal,
but
physician than to the
patient.
Low-bred,
adj.
"Raised" instead of brought
up.
Luminary,
w.
One who throws
subject; as an editor
Lunarian,
n.
An
light
upon
by not writing about
it.
inhabitant of the moon, as
OF AMBROSE BIERCE distinguished from Lunatic, one
moon
203
whom
the
The Lunarians have been
inhabits.
described by Lucian, Locke and other observers,
but without
much
For
agreement.
example, Bragellos avers their anatomical
Man, but Professor Newcomb they are more like the hill tribes of
identity with says
Vermont. Lyre^
An
w.
The word to
is
ancient instrument of torture.
now
used in
figu fi gura rati tive ve se sens ns
denote the poetic faculty, as in the follow-
ing
our
of
lines
fiery
great
poet,
Ella
Wheeler Wilcox: sit
astride Parnassus
And The
pick with care
the
my
lyre,
disobedient wire.
stupid shepherd lolling on his crook
With bide
deaf attention scarcely deigns
my
time,
When, with I'll
with
grab
and
it
shall
come
Titan's energy and strength,
fistful of the strings,
The world
at length.
shall
suffer
when
and O, let
them go!
Farquharson Harris.
Mace^ Its
w.
staff of office signifying authority.
form, that of
heavy club, indicates
its
THE COLLECTED WORKS
204
original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
Machination,
n.
The method employed by
one's opponents in baffling one's
honorable
open and
do the right thing.
efforts to
So plain the advantages of machination moral obligation,
It constitutes
And
honest wolves
who
think upon't with loathing
Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing.
So prospers
still
And
the diplomatic art,
with hand upon
his heart.
R,
Macrobian,
One
n.
and living
History
antly supplied with examples, selah
to
Old
Parr,
K.
forgotten of the gods
great age.
to
5.
is
abund-
from Methu-
but some notable
stances of longevity are less well
in-
known.
Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753,
lived so long that he
had what he
considered
glimpse of the dawn of uni-
versal peace.
Scanavius relates that he
knew
who was so old that he could time when he did not deserve
archbishop
remember hanging.
In 1566
linen draper of Bristol,
England, declared that he had lived
hundred
years,
and that
five
in all that time
he
OF AMBROSE BIERCE had never
told
There are
lie.
know
The
better.
newspaper
in
Depew
New York
The American,
City, has
ory that goes back to the time rascal,
but not to the
of the United States that
many
when he was
The
was born
President
so long ago
friends of his youth have
ment without the by
fact.
The
of
assistance
verses following
personal
were written
macrobian
When
was young the world was
And
fair
amiable and sunny.
brightness
In
all
was
in all the air,
the waters, honey.
The jokes were fine and funny, The statesmen honest in their views, And lives, as well, And when you heard bit of news 'Twas true enough
Men
to
tell.
were not ranting, shouting, reeking,
Nor women
"generally speaking."
The Summer It lasted
The
mem-
high political and military prefer-
risen to
merit.
country.
old enough to
is
editor of
instances of
own
longevity (macrobiosis) in our
Senator Chauncey
205
then was long indeed:
one whole season!
sparkling
When
Winter gave no heed
ordered by Unreason
206
THE COLLECTED WORKS To
bring the early peas on.
Now, where
the dickens
In calling that
Which
year
When
is
was young
From month know
And
why
not
everything
To make
near? the year extended
month
to
until
The
air
is
now
arranged
fellow weary.
When
with
to do is
pure
it
With windows
ha*'
are asthmatic;
sciatic.
new regime
it
would seem
deep disguise
mortal sight has failed
pierce, although to angels' eyes
They're If
impure,
for compensation
blessings in
Which
To
is
better observation,
And Some
it
degeneration
eviler than
To
for, sure,
closed you
suppose this
Of dun
it,
makes you lame.
Open, neuralgic or
Well,
fear he
not the same:
you when
It chokes
ended.
world has changed
the
The Weather Man Has much
it
dark da rk and dreary,
some so meth thin in
Seems
commence
does no more than just
Before the end
To
the sense
is
Age
Is
visibly unveiled.
such
He's He 's co cost stum umed ed by
boon, good land!
master hand enable Strigg,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Mad,
high degree of
Affected with
adj.
207
independence; not conforming
intellectual
to standards of thought,
speech and action
derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual.
It
is
sons are pronounced
mad by
officials destit-
evidence that themselves are sane.
ute of
For
noteworthy that per-
illustration,
lexicographer
trious)
faith of his
of any
this
own
madhouse
he knows
the
to
lofty occupation
present is
(and
no firmer
sanity than
is
instead
that seems to
the
in
any inmate
in the land; yet for
contrary,
illus-
him
aught of
the
to
be
may really be beathands against the window bars of ing an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many
engaging his powers he
thoughtless spectators.
Magdalene, Popularly,
n.
An
inhabitant of Magdala.
woman found
out.
This
defini-
word has the authority of ignorMary of Magdala being another per-
tion of the
ance,
son than the penitent St.
Luke.
woman mentioned by
It has also the ofiicial sanction of
the governments of Great Britain and the
United
States.
In England the word
is
pro-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
208
nounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, ive,
unpleasantly sentimental.
Maudlin
Magdalene, and
for
lam for Bethlehem,
the English
adject-
With
their
their
Bed-
may
justly
boast themselves the greatest of revisers.
Magic,
An
n.
art of converting superstition
There are other
into coin.
arts serving the
same high purpose, but the
discreet lexic-
ographer does not name them.
Magnet,
n.
Something acted upon by magnet-
ism.
Magnetism,
n.
Something acting upon
magnet.
The two
definitions
immediately forego-
ing are condensed from the works of one
thousand eminent
scientists,
luminated the subject with light,
to
who have
il-
great white
the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge. Magnificent,
adj.
Having
grandeur or
splendor superior to that to which the spectator
is
accustomed,
as the ears of
rabbit, or the glory of
maggot.
an
ass, to
glowworm^
to
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Magnitude,
Size.
n.
purely relative, nothing
Magnitude is
large and nothing
increased in bulk one thousand
were
diameters
nothing would be any larger than before, but
if
the others
been.
being
If everything in the universe
small.
all
209
To
it
was
one thing remained unchanged
would be larger
had
an understanding familiar with
the relativity of magnitude and distance the
spaces and masses of the astronomer
would
be no more impressive than those of the
For anything we know
microscopist.
the contrary, the visible universe
small part of an atom, with ions, floating in the life-fluid
ether)
some animal.
of
peopling
creatures
its
may
to
be
component
(luminiferous
Possibly the corpuscles
of
wee our
own blood are overcome with the proper emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance
Magpie^
from one of these
to another.
bird whose thievish disposi-
n.
tion suggested to
some one
that
it
might be
taught to talk.
Maiden,
young person
n.
of the unfair sex
addicted to clewless conduct and views that
madden
to
crime.
The genus
has
wide
210
THE COLLECTED WORKS
geographical
wherever
and
sought
The maiden
found.
found
being
distribution,
wherever
deplored
not altogether un-
is
pleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano
and her views) though
insupportable
to
the ear,
in respect to comeliness distinctly in-
ferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
the part of her that
audible, beaten out of
is
the field by the canary
which,
also, is
more
portable. lovelorn maiden she sat and sang
This quaint, sweet song sang she "It's
for
And
On
youth with
muscle
he be!
grid gr idir iron on he shall shine,
monarch by right
And
bang
fair to see!
The Captain team to Of th
football
divine,
never to roast on
it
^me
!"
Opoline Jones,
Majesty,
n.
The
state
and
Regarded with
just
Eminent
Masters,
ors,
title
of
king.
contempt by the Most
Grand Chancell-
Great Incohonees and Imperial Potent-
ates of the ancient
and honorable orders of
republican America.
Male,
member
unconsidered, or
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
211
The male human race commonly known (to the female) as is Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: negligible sex.
good providers and bad providers.
Malefactor,
n.
progress of the
Malthusian,
The chief human race.
factor
ad]. Pertaining to
ially limiting population, but
not be done by talking.
the
Malthus and
Malthus believed
his doctrines.
in
in artific-
found that
One
it
of the
most practical exponents of the Malthusian
Herod
idea was
famous
soldiers
of Judea,
though
all
the
have been of the same way
of thinking.
Mammalia^
n.
pL
family of vertebrate
animals whose females in suckle their young, but
state of
when
nature
civilized
and
enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
Mammon,
The god
n.
ing religion.
holy city of
He swore And wore
of the world's lead-
His chief temple
New
is
in
the
York.
that all other religions
were gammon,
out his knees in the worship of
Mammon.
Jared Oopf,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
212
Man^
An
n.
animal so
lost in
rapturous con-
templation of what he thinks he
is
as to over-
look what he indubitably ought to be. chief occupation
is
extermination of other
own
animals and his
His
species,
which, how-
ever, multiplies
with such
as to infest the
whole habitable earth and
insistent rapidity
Canada.
When
the world
And
'Mongst king and
We're not
that
Save here in
this
For
was new,
everything was pleasant,
drew
Distinctions Nature never
We
Man
was young and
priest
way
and peasant.
at present,
Republic, where
have that old regime,
all
are kings,
however bare
Their backs, howe'er extreme Their
To
hunger.
indeed,
each
has
yoice
accept the tyrant of his party's choice.
citizen
And,
Was
who would
therefore,
one day with
(With
By "It
And,
not vote.
was
detested,
tarry coat
feathers backed
and breasted)
patriots invested.
is
your duty," cried the crowd,
"Your
ballot true to cast
For the man
And
o'
your choice."
explained his wicked past
He humbly
bowed,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE "That's what
Dear
213
very gladly would have done, but he has never run."
patriots,
Apperton Duke,
Manes,
The immortal
n.
Greeks and Romans.
dead
of
parts
They were
in
state
from
discomfort until the bodies
which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not ticularly
to
have been par-
happy afterward.
Manicheism,
n.
The
ancient Persian doctrine
of an incessant warfare between
When Good
Evil.
Good and
gave up the fight the
Persians joined the victorious Opposition.
Manna,
food miraculously given to the
n.
in the wilderness.
Israelites
no
longer
down and rule,
supplied
to
When
them they
tilled the soil, fertilizing
it
was
settled as
it,
with the bodies of the original occu-
pants.
Marriage,
n.
The
state or condition of
munity consisting of two
slaves,
n.
making
master,
mistress
and
in all, two.
One who moves along
least reluctance to
com-
the line of
desired death.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
214
Material^
Having an
adj.
from an imaginary
distinguished
as
actual existence, one.
Important. Material All
know, or
things
else is
feel,
or see;
immaterial to me.
Jamarach Holobom,
Mausoleum,
The
n.
final
and funniest
folly
of the rich.
Mayonnaise,
w.
French
Me,
The
pro.
One
of
the sauces
in place of
which
state religion.
objectionable case of
The
I.
personal pronoun in English has three cases, the
dominative,
oppressive.
the objectionable and the
Each
is all
three.
Meander, n. To proceed sinuously aimThe word is the ancient name of lessly. river
about one hundred
and
fifty
miles
south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing
when
the
Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess.
Medal,
n.
small metal disk given as
OF AMBROSE BIERCE reward for
more or It
is
virtues, attainments or services
less authentic.
related of Bismark,
meaning
Medicine^
And
asked
dog
in
revenge that is
"I save
down
the
Bowery
Broadway.
Uncommon
n.
the
sometimes he didn't.
stone flung
n.
Meekness, ing
being
that,
of the medal, he replied:
sometimes."
been
rescuing
drowning person,
to kill
who had
medal
awarded
lives
215
worth while.
is
Moses,
for
Who
patience in plann-
slew
As sweet
the rose
as
Egyptian. is
The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem
But
is
Who
inscription,
for Moses,
slew
the
The
Egyptian. Biographical Alphabet,
Meerschaum^ n, (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of
fine
it.)
ience
in
white clay, which for conven-
made into and smoked by the workmen
coloring
tobacco pipes
it
brown
is
216
THE COLLECTED WORKS
engaged
The purpose
in that industry.
coloring
disclosed by the
has not been
it
of
manufacturers. There was
youth
This woful
Who
color
be),
it
and
swore
would he!
shut himself from the world away,
Nor any
He
may
meerschaum pipe
bought
That
He
tale,
(you've heard before,
soul he saw.
smoked by
As hard
smoked by day,
night, he
as he could
draw.
moaning
in the
died
Of winds that blew aloof The weeds were in the gravel The owl was on the roof. "He's gone
afar, he'll
wrath path,
come no more,"
The neighbors sadly say. And so they batter in the door
To
take his goods away.
Dead, pipe
in
Nut-brown
"That
pipe's
"But
it
mouth, the youngster in face
and limb.
lovely white," they say,
has colored him
The moral
lay,
there's small
!"
need to sing
HTis plain as day to you:
Don't play your game on any thing
That
is
gamester too.
Martin Bulstrode,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Mendacious,
Merchant^
Addicted
adj.
One engaged
w.
which the thing pursued
Mercy,
to rhetoric.
commercial
in
commercial pursuit
pursuit.
An
n.
is
217
one in
is
dollar.
attribute beloved of detected
offenders.
Mesmerism, good
Hypnotism before
n.
clothes,
kept
carriage
it
and
wore asked
Incredulity to dinner.
Metropolis,
stronghold
n.
provinc-
of
ialism.
Millennium, w. years when the with
all
Mind,
w.
secreted sists
in
The lid
is
thousand
period of to
be screwed down,
reformers on the under side. mysterious
by the brain.
form
of
matter
Its chief activity
the endeavor to
ascertain
its
con-
own
nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that
know fact
itself
it
has nothing but
with.
unknown
who, observing
to
From
the
itself
to
Latin mens,
that honest shoe-seller,
that his learned competitor
218
THE COLLECTED WORKS
over
way had
the
^^Mens conscia
displayed
recti/'
the
emblazoned
motto
his
own
shop front with the words "Men's, women's
and children's conscia
Mine,
Belonging
adj.
or seize
An
n.
me
lower responsibility.
visible
can hold
if
higher power
agent of
an officer sent into
ity.
to
it.
Minister, with
recti."
In diplomacy
foreign country as the
embodiment
of his sovereign's hostil-
His principal qualification
of plausible inveracity next
is
degree
below that of an
ambassador.
Minor,
adj.
Minstrel, musician;
Less objectionable.
adj.
now
Formerly
poet, singer or
nigger with
than skin deep and
humor more
color less
than flesh
and blood can bear.
Miracle,
n.
An
act or event out of the order
of nature and unaccountable, as beating
normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and
king.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Miscreant,
person of the highest de-
n.
gree of unworth.
Etymologically, the
means unbeliever, and tion
may
219
be
word
present significa-
its
as theology's noblest
contribution
the
to
development
of
our
language.
Misdemeanor, having
An
n.
infraction of the
felony and constit-
dignity than
less
law
uting no claim to admittance into the best
criminal society.
By misdemeanors he
essayed to climb
Into the aristocracy of crime.
O, woe was him
with manner
chill
and grand
"Captains of industry" refused his hand,
"Kings of finance" denied him recognition
And
He
"railway magnates" jeered
bank
robbed
They
still
to
make himself
rebuffed him, for he
low
his
respected.
was
detected. S.
MiSERlCORDE,
n.
dagger which
warfare was used by
mind
an
unhorsed
condition.
V. Hanipur,
in mediaeval
soldier to re-
knight
that
he
was
mortal.
Misfortune,
n.
never misses.
The kind
of
fortune that
220
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Miss,
which we brand un-
title
n.
married
women
indicate
to
Missis
Miss,
in the market.
that
they are
and
(Mrs.)
Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound
and
Two
sense.
are corruptions of Mistress,
the other of Master.
In the general aboli-
tion of social titles in this
our country they
miraculously escaped to plague
must have them
let
us
Mush, abbreviated
Molecule,
The
n.
of matter.
It
is
we
be consistent and
give one to the unmarried man. to suggest
If
us.
to
venture
Mh.
ultimate, indivisible unit
distinguished from the cor-
puscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter, by
closer resemblance to the atom,
also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.
Three great
scientific theories of the struct-
ure of the universe are the molecular, the
corpuscular and the atomic. firms,
with Haeckel, the condensation or
precipitation of matter existence
is
The
thought
from ether
whose
proved by the condensation or
The
precipitation. ific
fourth af-
is
ion differs
present trend of scient-
toward the theory of
ions.
from the molecule, the
puscle and the atom in that
it is
an ion.
cor-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE theory
fifth
held by
is
but
idiots,
it is
know any more about
ful if they
221 doubt-
the matter
than the others.
Monad,
The
n.
According
Molecule.)
(See
matter.
ultimate, indivisible unit of to
Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to
be understood, the
monad
has body without
mind without manifestation Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of considering. He has founded upon him bulk,
and
theory of the universe, which the creature
monad is monad con-
bears without resentment, for the
Small
gentleman. to
his
is,
the
possibilities need-
German
evolution into
osopher of the capable
he
powers and
tains all the
ful
as
little
altogether
first class
fellow.
He
is
phil-
very
not to be con-
founded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its
inability to discern him,
scope shows
him
to
good micro-
be of an entirely distinct
species.
Monarch,
n.
person engaged in reigning.
Formerly the monarch ruled, tion of the jects
word
attests,
have had occasion
and
as the derivaas
to learn.
and th^ Orient the monarch has
many
sub-
In Russia still
222
THE COLLECTED WORKS
siderable influence in public affairs and in
the disposition of the
human
head, but in
western Europe political administration
is
mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being
somewhat preoccupied with lating to the status of his
Monarchical
reflections
own
Government,
re-
head.
Govern-
w.
ment.
Monday,
n.
In Christian countries, the day
after the baseball
Money,
game.
to us excepting
when we
evidence of culture and
part with
it.
An
passport to polite
Supportable
society.
Monkey, makes
of no advantage
that
n,
An
n.
itself
at
Monosyllabic,
arboreal
home
adj.
animal
which
in genealogical trees.
Composed
of
words of
who
never
tire of testifying their delight in the
vapid
one syllable, for literary babes
compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon that is to say,
words of
barbarous people destitute
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
223
and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
The man who writes Is the man to use an ax
Saxon
in
on.
Judibras.
MONSIGNOR,
high ecclesiastical
w.
which the Founder
title,
of
our religion over-
of
looked the advantages.
Monument,
com-
structure intended to
n,
memorate something which commemoration
either needs no
cannot
or
be
commem-
orated.
The And
bones of ruined
Agamemnon is
his
royal
Agamemnon's fame tion
in consequence.
tom
has
its
monuments to say,
Moral,
adj.
mutable
monument,
suffers
no diminu-
The monument
cus-
reductiones ad absurdum
in
unknown dead"
is
"to the
monuments
ory of those
show,
to perpetuate the
who have
left
Conforming
standard
of
that
mem-
no memory. to
right.
local
Having
and the
quality of general expediency. It
is
sayd there be
raunge of mountaynes in the
224
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are yet on
immorall,
the
syde they are holden in
other
good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer veenyenced, for
it is
way and
it
much
downe
con-
eyther
moode, withouten
shall suite his
of-
Gookes Meditations,
fence.
More,
act as
given to him to goe
is
The comparative
adj.
degree of too
much.
Mouse,
An
n.
animal which strews
with fainting women. ians
were thrown
earlier in
famous
were thrown
in
Christ-
the most ancient and
the world,
female heretics Jakak-Zotp, the
to the mice.
historian, the only
Rome
path
to the lions, so centuries
Otumwee,
city of
As
its
Otumwump whose
writ-
ings have descended to us, says
martyrs met their death with
He
and much exertion. exculpate the mice
even attempts to
(such
is
perished,
some
of
the malice of
from
some of broken necks from
own The
dignity
by declaring that the unfortunate
bigotry)
women
little
feet,
exhaustion,
falling over their
and some from lack of
restoratives.
mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures the
chase
^^Roman history hardly expect
with is
composure.
nine-tenths lying,"
But
if
we can
smaller proportion of that
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
225 people
rhetorical figure in the annals of
capable of so incredible cruelty to lovely
woman
hard heart has
for
MOUSQUETAIRE,
false tongue.
long glove covering
w.
part of the arm.
Worn
"mousquetaire"
is
in
New Jersey.
But
mighty poor way
to
spell muskeeter.
Mouth, in
In man, the gateway
n.
woman,
Mugwump,
the outlet of the heart.
n.
self-respect
In politics one
and addicted
afflicted
with
to the vice of inde-
term of contempt.
pendence.
Mulatto,
to the soul
child of two races,
w.
ashamed
of both.
Multitude, litical
n.
crowd; the source of po-
wisdom and
In
virtue.
republic,
the object of the statesman's adoration.
multitude of counsellors there saith the proverb.
If
"In
wisdom,"
is
many men
of equal
individual
wisdom
of them,
must be that they acquire the ex-
cess of
it
wisdom by
together.
are wiser than any one
the
mere
Whence comes
act
it?
Obviously
THE COLLECTED WORKS
226
from nowhere mountains
as
no wiser than
it is
Mummy,
n.
multitude
it.
member
as its wisest
range of
higher than the single mount-
is
composing
ains
well say that
An
if it
its
as
is
obey him;
most
if
wise not,
foolish.
ancient Egyptian, formerly
among modern civilized namedicine, and now engaged in sup-
in universal use tions as
plying art with an excellent pigment. is
He
handy, too, in museums in gratifying the
vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish
man from By means
the lower animals.
of the
Attests to the gods
We
him
Exhibit for
O,
its
mankind,
said,
respect for the dead.
plunder his tomb, be he sinner or
Distil
And
Mummy,
for physic
money
tell
and grind him for
his poor,
with levity
saint,
paint,
shrunken frame,
the scene of the shame.
me, ye gods, for the use of
For respecting the dead what's the
my
rhyme:
limit of time
CO pas Brune.
Mustang,
n.
ern plains.
An
indocile horse
In English
the west-
society, the
Amer-
ican wife of an English nobleman.
Myrmidon, n. follower ticularly when he didn't
of Achilles lead.
par-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Mythology, ple's
The body
n.
so forth, as dis-
invents later.
Nectar,
drink served at banquets of the
n.
Olympian tion
The
deities.
lost,
is
believe
secret of
but the modern they
that
knowledge of
its
Juno drank
come
Juno drank
Then
Negro,
prepara-
near
to
chief ingredient. cup of nectar, affect
her.
cup of rye
she bade herself good-bye.
The
n.
American
him by
its
Kentuckians
pretty
But the draught did not
to
origin,
from the true accounts which
tinguished it
its
and
history, heroes, deities
primitive peo-
of
concerning
beliefs
227
piece
de
resistance
political problem.
in
the
Representing
the letter n, the Republicans begin
build their equation thus:
white man."
"Let n=the
This, however, appears to give
an unsatisfactory solution.
Neighbor,
n.
One whom we
are
commanded
228 to
THE COLLECTED WORKS love as ourselves, and
knows how Nepotism,
to
make
who
does
all
us disobedient.
Appointing your grandmother
n.
good of the party.
to office for the
Newtonian,
adj.
Pertaining
philo-
to
sophy of the universe, invented by Newton,
who
discovered that an apple will fall to
the ground, but was unable to say why.
and
successors
disciples
have advanced so
be able to say when.
far
Nihilist,
Russian
n.
who
denies the exist-
ence of anything but Tolstoi. the school
Nirvana,
is
n.
The
In the Buddhist religion,
state
awarded
to the
wise, particularly to those wise
understand
Nobleman,
ated music.
to
Nature's provision for wealthy
American maids ambitious
n.
enough
it.
n.
distinction
leader of
Tolstoi.
of pleasurable annihilation
Noise,
His
and
suffer
high
to incur social life.
stench in the ear.
The
Undomestic-
chief product and authent-
icating sign of civilization.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Nominate,
To
v.
229
designate for the heaviest
political assessment.
To
put forward
able person to incur the
suit-
mudgobbing and
deadcatting of the opposition.
Nominee,
modest gentleman shrinking
n,
from the
distinction of private life
and
dil-
igently seeking the honorable obscurity of
public
office.
NON-CoMBATANT, Nonsense,
The
n.
dead Quaker.
w.
objections that are urged
against this excellent dictionary.
Nose,
From ors
The extreme
n.
outpost of the face.
the circumstance that great conquer-
have great
noses, Getius,
whose writings
antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the
organ of
quell.
one's nose
is
It has
been observed that
never so happy as
into the affairs of another,
physiologists have
the nose
is
thrust
from which some
drawn the inference
devoid of the sense of smell.
There's
And
when
man with
Nose,
wherever he goes
that
230
THE COLLECTED WORKS The
run
people
"No
cotton have
For our
He
from him and shout:
ears
if
we
so be
blow that interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied
For injunction.
"Denied,"
Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion,
Whate'er
it
portend,
Appears to transcend
The bounds
of this court's jurisdiction."
Arpad
Singiny,
for public
The fame of one's competitor honors. The kind of renown most
accessible
and acceptable
Notoriety,
w.
Jacob's-ladder
with
stage,
leading angels
to mediocrity.
to
the
ascending
vaudeville
and
de-
scending.
NOUMENON, uished
That which
n.
from that which merely seems
the latter being
exist,
exists, as disting-
noumenon
The
phenomenon.
bit difficult to locate;
is
be apprehended only by
to
it
can
process of reason-
phenomenon.
ing
^which
less,
the discovery and exposition of nou-
mena
offer
is
rich field for
Neverthecalls
"the endless variety and excitement of phil-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Hurrah
osophic thought." the
(therefore) for
noumenon!
OVEL,
short story padded.
n.
of co comp mpos osit itio io
bear be arin in
it is
the
same
too long to be read at
impressions
made by
its
successively
effaced,
as
Unity, totality of
species relation to
panorama bears
literature that the
As
231
to
art.
sitting the
successive parts are
effect,
is
panorama.
the
in
impossible; for
besides the few pages last read all that
mind
carried in
is
To
has gone before. is
the
what photography
tinguishing
the is
principle,
sponds to the
mere plot
what
of
romance the novel
to painting.
Its dis-
probability,
literal actuality of the
puts
is
corre-
photo-
distinctly into the cate-
it
gory of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables
him
to
mount
may be
altitudes of imagination as he
and the
to attain
literary
art
are
and imagination. such
as it
was,
is
first
ashes
November, weariness.
imagination
art of writing novels,
is
new.
some of which have n.
fitted
long dead everywhere ex-
cept in Russia, where its
such
three essentials of the
imagination,
The
to
The
eleventh
Peace
to
large sale.
twelfth
of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
232
Oath,
solemn appeal
In law,
w.
made binding upon
Deity,
the
to
the conscience by
penalty for perjury.
Oblivion,
The
n.
the wicked cease
dreary are at
ground.
in
state
rest.
which
from struggling and the Fame's eternal dumping
Cold storage for high hopes.
place where ambitious authors meet their
works without pride and
their betters with-
dormitory without an alarm
out envy. clock.
Observatory, conjecture
place where astronomers
w.
away
of their prede-
cessors.
Obsessed, pp. the
Vexed by an
evil spirit, like
Gadarene swine and other
session
now.
was once more common than Arasthus
occupied by in the
critics.
tells
of
peasant
Obit
is
who was
different devil for every day
week, and on Sundays by two.
were frequently
seen,
They
always walking in his
shadow, when he had one, but were
finally
OF AMBROSE BIERCE driven
away by
the peasant with them,
for he vanished utterly.
woman by
holy
the village notary,
man; but they took of
233
devil
thrown out
the Archbishop of
ran through the
Rheims
pursued by
streets,
hun-
dred persons, until the open country was reached,
where by
leap
higher than
church spire he escaped into
bird.
chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised obsessing
soldier's
devil
when
soldier into the water, to the surface.
The
by throwing the the devil
came
soldier, unfortunately,
did not.
No
Obsolete, adj.
longer used by the timid.
word which some marked obsolete is ever
Said chiefly of words. lexicographer
thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer,
but
if it is
good word
and has no exact modern equivalent equally
good enough for the good
good,
toward "obso-
Indeed, lete"
writer.
words
is
as true
measure of
his
lit-
erary ability as anything except the character of his work.
dictionary of obsolete
and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of
speech
it
would add large
possessions to the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
234
vocabulary of every competent writer
might not happen
Obstinate, it
to
competent reader.
be
Inaccessible to the truth as
adj.
manifest in the splendor and
is
who
stress of
our advocacy.
The popular acy
is
less
sense
most intelligent animal.
the mule,
Occasional, or
type and exponent of obstin-
Afflicting us with greater
adj.
That, however,
frequency. in
which the word
is
is
used
not the the
in
phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such as an anniversary,
they
celebration
afflict
us
little
of verse, but their
event.
True,
worse than other
name
sorts
has no reference to
irregular recurrence.
Occident,
n.
The
part of the world lying
west (or east) of the Orient. inhabited by
Christians,
tribe of the Hypocrites,
dustries
are
It
is
largely
powerful sub-
whose principal
murder and
cheating,
in-
which
they are pleased to call "war" and "com-
merce."
These,
also,
dustries of the Orient.
are the principal in-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Ocean,
body of water occupying about
n.
world made for man
two-thirds of
has no
235
who
gills.
Offensive,
adj.
Generating
disagreeable
emotions or sensations, as the advance of an
army
against
"Were
its
enemy.
the enemy's tactics offensive?" the
king asked.
"I should say so!" replied the
unsuccessful
general.
"The
blackguard
wouldn't come out of his works!"
Old, is
In that stage of usefulness which
adj.
not inconsistent with general inefficiency,
an old man.
as
Discredited by
time and offensive to the popular
of
taste, as
an
old book. "Old books?
The
devil
take them!"
my
books
Goby
rule
"Fresh every day must be
Nature
And
herself approves the
gives
us every
moment
fresh
Goby
said.
and bread."
fool.
Harley Shum.
Oleaginous, Disraeli
adj.
Oily, smooth, sleek.
once
described
the
manner
Bishop Wilberforce
as "unctuous,
ous, saponaceous."
And
of
oleagin-
the good prelate
236
THE COLLECTED WORKS
was ever afterward known
For every man there
is
something
vocabulary that would stick second find
skin.
His
Soapy Sam.
as
enemies
him
to
have
the
in
like
only
to
it.
Olympian,
adj.
mountain
Relating to
Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, repository bottles
of
now
yellowing newspapers,
and mutilated sardine
in
beer
cans, attesting
the presence of the tourist and his appetite. His name the smirking
tourist
scrawls
Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian And marks his appetite's abuse.
Zeus,
Averil Joop,
Omen, if
w.
sign that something will
happen
nothing happens.
Once, adv.
Enough.
Opera,
play representing
n.
life in
another
world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no post-
ures but tion,
attitudes.
All acting
and the word simulation
an ape; but in opera
is
is
simula-
from simia,
takes for his
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
237
model Simla audibilis (or Pithecanthropos the ape that howls.
stentor)
The The
Opiate,
at least in shape;
opera performer apes an ape.
An
w.
of Identity.
grasping
in the prison It leads into the jail yard.
Opportunity,
Oppose,
man
actor apes
favorable occasion for
n.
disappointment.
To
v.
assist
with obstructions and ob-
jections.
How
lonely he
With badinage
Of
levity,
None but
who the
thinks to vex
Solemn Sex!
Mere Man, beware;
the
Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P.
Opposition, vents the
n.
In politics the party that pre-
Government from running amuck
by hamstringing
The King abroad
it.
of Ghargaroo,
who had been
to study the science of
appointed one hundred of his jects
as
Orminder.
members
of
government, fattest sub-
parliament
to
laws for the collection of revenue.
make Forty
THE COLLECTED WORKS
238
of these he
and had
of Opposition
the
Prime Minister carefully
his
them
struct
named
in their duty of
opposing every
royal measure.
Nevertheless, the
was
passed
that
submitted
first
one
unanimously.
Greatly displeased, the King vetoed
forming the Opposition that
in-
if
in-
it,
they did that
again they would pay for their obstinacy
with their heads. The entire forty promptly
disemboweled themselves.
"What
shall
we do now?"
"Liberal
asked.
institutions
maintained without
the
King
cannot
party of Opposition."
"Splendor of the
Prime Minister,
be
"it
the
dogs of
true these
is
darkness have no longer their credentials,
but
not
all is
worm
Leave the matter
lost.
to this
of the dust."
So the Minister had the bodies of Majesty's
embalmed
Opposition
stuffed with straw, put
power and nailed
back into the
there.
recorded against every
bill
seats of
and the nation
But one day
bill
tax on warts
was defeated
the
to
and
Forty votes were
prospered. the
his
imposing
members
of
Government party had not been nailed This so enraged the King their seats!
that the
Prime Minister was put
to death,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE the parliament
239
was dissolved with
of artillery, and
battery
government of the people,
by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.
Optimism,
The
n.
everything
is
doctrine, or belief, that
beautiful,
including what
is
ugly, everything good, especially the bad,
and everything right that
wrong.
is
It
is
held with greatest tenacity by those most ac-
customed
to the
adversity,
and
is
mischance of falling into
most acceptably expounded
with the grin that apes blind faith,
inaccessible to the light of
an intellectual disorder, yielding
disproof to
Being
smile.
no treatment but death.
It
is
hereditary,
but fortunately not contagious.
Optimist,
proponent of the doctrine
w.
that black
is
white.
pessimist applied to
"Ah, you wish
me
to
God
for relief.
restore
your hope
and cheerfulness," said God.
"No," replied the to
create
petitioner, "I
something
that
wish you
would
justify
them."
"The world
is
all
created,"
said
God,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
240
*^but
you have overlooked something
mortality of th
Oratory^
opti op timi mi t.
between
conspiracy
n,
and action
the
to cheat the
speech
understanding.
tyranny tempered by stenography.
Orphan^
has deprived of the power of
ude
whom
living person
w.
filial ingratit-
privation appealing with
lar eloquence to all that
death
particu-
sympathetic
is
in
human nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of
locality
it is
its
taught to
rudimentary sense of
know
its
place.
It
is
then instructed in the arts of dependence
and servitude and eventually turned loose to
prey upon the world
as
bootblack or
scullery maid.
Orthodox,
n.
An
ox wearing the popular
religious yoke.
Orthography,
n.
The
science of spelling by
Advocated with
the eye instead of the ear.
more heat than
light
by the outmates
every asylum for the insane. to
concede
few things
of
They have had
since the time of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Chaucer, but are none the
less
241
hot in defence
of those to be conceded hereafter. spelling reformer indicted
For fudge was
The
court cicted.
judge said
"Enough
His candle we'll snough,
And
Ostrich^ sins,
his sepulchre shall not be whicted."
nature
doubtless)
hinder toe in which so ists
have seen
The
sign.
of wings
which
large bird to
n.
its
that
pious natural-
conspicuous evidence of de-
absence of
is
denied
has
many
(for
no defect,
good working pair for,
as has
been
in-
geniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.
No
Otherwise, adv.
Outcome, n. ment. By
particular type of disappointthe kind of intelligence that sees
proof of the rule the wis-
in an exception
dom
of an act
result.
dom
This
v.
t.
is
is
of an act
that the doer
Outdo,
better.
judged by the outcome, the
immortal nonsense is
to
the wis-
be judged by the light
had when he performed
To make
an enemy.
it.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
242
That part of one's environment upon which no government has been
OUT-OF-DoORS,
n.
able to collect taxes.
Chiefly useful to in-
spire poets. mountain one day
climbed to the top of
To
see the
And Of
sun setting in glory,
thought,
looked
as
at
his
vanishing ray,
perfectly splendid story.
'Twas about an
man and
old
Till the strength of the beast
Then
he bestrode
the
ass
was
o'ertested
man would carry him miles on Neddy was pretty well rested.
the
Till
The moon rising solemnly Of the hills to the east
the road
over the crest of
my
station
Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west
Like
And Of
visible
new
joke (and
thought of
an
About
creation.
laughed
young woman who
idle
church-door for
cried)
till
tarried
look at the bride,
Although 'twas herself that was married.
To
poets all
Ideas
Nature
^with
pregnant
thought and emotion.
pity the dunces
The
is
who
don't understand
speech of earth, heaven and ocean.
Stromboli Smith.
Ovation,
n.
In
ancient
Rome,
definite,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE pageant in honor of one been disserviceable
word
lish the
any loose
In modern Eng-
improperly used
is
and spontaneous
popular homage
to the
who had
enemies of the na-
"triumph."
lesser
tion.
to the
243
to signify
expression
of
hero of the hour and
place. "I had an ovation!" the actor
But
thought
it
That people and
By
The
uncommonly
critics
said,
queer,
by him had been led
the ear.
Latin lexicon makes his absurd
Assertion as plain as
In
man
"ovum" we It
means
peg; the word.
find the true
egg.
Dudley Spink,
Overeat,
v.
To
dine.
Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess,
Well
Thy
skilled
to
overeat
great invention, th
Shows Man's
without unfa un fata ta
distress!
feast,
superiority to Beast.
John Boop,
Overwork,
n.
dangerous disorder
ing high public functionaries
go
fishing.
affect-
who want
to
244
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Owe,
v.
To have
(and
word formerly but possession;
to
hold)
signified
debt.
not indebtedness,
meant "own," and
it
minds of debtors there
is
The in the
good deal
still
of confusion between assets and liabilities.
Oyster,
slimy,
n,
civilization gives
gobby
men
without removing
its
shellfish
which
the hardihood to eat
The
entrails!
shells
are sometimes given to the poor.
Pain, that
An
n.
uncomfortable frame of mind
may have
that
is
physical basis in something
being done
to the
may
body, or
be
purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another.
Painting, faces
n.
The
art of protecting flat sur-
from the weather and exposing them
to the critic.
Formerly, painting and sculpture were
combined painted
in the
their
statues.
alliance between
modern painter
the
The two
the
ancients
only
present
arts
is
that the
chisels his patrons.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Palace^
and
fine
n.
Palm^
palace;
called
is
of
There
species of
n.
of
varieties,
that
of
the as
progress.
is
tree
having several
which the familiar "itching
palm" {Palma hominis) tributed
resid-
was known
religion
his
or wayside.
field,
The
official.
high dignitary of the Christian
ence of
Church Founder
costly residence, par-
great
ticularly that of
245
is
most widely
and sedulously
noble vegetable exudes
dis-
This kind of invisible
gum, which may be detected by applying to the
bark
metal will adhere wi with th re ar arka kabl bl
The
fruit of the itching
and unsatisfying that are
known
Palmistry, to
in
is
considerable
n.
The
money by
947th method (according classification)
false
of obtain-
pretences.
"reading character" in the wrinkles
by altogether
per-
as "benefactions."
Mimbleshaw's
ing
palm
tenacity.
sometimes given away in
centage of
what
The
piece of gold or silver.
hand. false;
The
character
pretence
can
made is
really
be
read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly
THE COLLECTED WORKS
246
spell the sists in
word "dupe."
not reading
Pandemonium, All
Literally,
n.
con-
aloud.
it
Most
Demons.
the
The imposture
the
of
Place of
them
have
escaped into politics and finance, and the place
now
is
used as
When
Audible Reformer.
by the
lecture hall
disturbed by his
voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to
pride of
distinction.
Pantaloons,
nether habiliment
n,
adult civilized male. lar
The garment
and unprovided with hinges
of flexion.
by
Supposed
humorist.
to
is
tubu-
at the points
have been invented
Called "trousers'* by the
enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy.
Pantheism, is
God,
that
The
God
is
everything.
n,
told without
The
least
action.
doctrine that everything
in contradistinction to the doctrine
Pantomime, is
n.
play in which the story violence to the language.
disagreeable
form of dramatic
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Pardon,
To
v.
penalty and restore
remit
To add
of crime.
life
247
the lure of
crime the temptation of ingratitude. Passport, inflicted
ing
document
n.
upon
him
treacherously
citizen going abroad, expos-
an alien and pointing
as
him out
for special reprobation and outrage.
Past,
That part
n.
of
small fraction of which
Eternity with some
we have
moving
acquaintance.
regrettable
called the Present parts
known
ary period
as
slight
is
of
The one
row and disappointment, with prosperity and
are sor-
the other bright
joy.
The is
Past
is
in sackcloth
the realm of
prayer; flies
and in
with
ashes,
mumbling
the sunshine
of
peniten-
the other
free wing, beckoning to
temples of success and bowers of ease. the
Past
Future one
the
In the one crouches Memory, clad
song.
Hope
which
is
region of sobs, the Future
tial
These
Future.
the
continually effacing the
entirely unlike.
line
from an imagin-
it
two grand divisions the one
and
is
is
the
Yet
Future of yesterday, the
the Past of to-morrow.
They
the knowledge and the dream.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
248
Pastime,
device for promoting dejec-
n.
Gentle exercise for intellectual de-
tion. bility.
Patience,
minor form of
n.
guised as
Patriot,
despair, dis-
virtue.
One
n.
to
whom
the interests of
part seem superior to those of the whole.
The dupe
of statesmen
and the
tool of con-
querors.
Patriotism,
Combustible rubbish ready
n.
to the torch of
any one ambitious
to illum-
inate his name.
famous
Johnson's patriotism
is
defined as the last resort of
With
scoundrel.
dictionary
all
due respect
to an en-
beg
lightened but inferior lexicographer to
submit that
Peace,
the
first.
In international
n.
afifairs,
period
of cheating between two periods of fighting.
O, what's
Mine 'Tis
The
the loud uproar assailing
ears without cease? of
the
horrors of peace.
hopeful,
all-hailing
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Ah, Peace Universal; they
Would marry
it,
'Twere easy
it
too.
knew how
If only they
249
to
it
to do.
They're working by night and by day
On
their problem, like moles.
Have mercy,
On
their
Heaven,
pray.
meddlesome souls!
Ro AmiL
Pedestrian,
The
n.
variable (and audible)
part of the roadway for an automobile.
Pedigree^
The known
n.
part of the route
swim
an arboreal ancestor with der to an urban descendant with
Penitent,
adj.
blad-
cigarette.
or
awaiting
state
or quality
punishment.
Perfection,
n.
An
imaginary
distinguished from
known
as
by an element
excellence;
an
attribute
of
the
critic.
The
editor of an English
ing received eous
nature
letter
of
his
magazine hav-
pointing out the erron-
views
and
style,
and
signed 'Terfection," promptly wrote at the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
250
foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you,"
and mailed
Matthew Arnold.
to
it
Walking
Peripatetic, adj. to the
Relating
about.
philosophy of Artistotle, who, while
expounding
moved from
it,
place to place
order to avoid his pupil's objections.
in
needless precaution
they
knew no more
of
the matter than he.
Peroration, rocket.
al
The
n.
It
explosion of an oratoric-
but to an observer
dazzles,
having the wrong kind of nose spicuous peculiarity eral kinds of
Perseverance,
is
most con-
its
the smell of the sev-
powder used
in
preparing
it.
lowly virtue whereby
n.
mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists
all,
Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl.
"Remember
the fable of tortoise and hare
The one at the goal while the other is where?" Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The goal and the rival forgotten alike. And the long the needless hike. His
spirit a-squat in the grass
Of
the dogless
He
sleeps, like
winner of
Land beyond
all
saint in
that
is
and the dew
the Stew,
holy place,
good
in
race.
Sukker Uffro,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Pessimism,
251
philosophy forced upon the
n,
convictions of the observer by the disheart-
ening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
Philanthropist,
rich
n.
bald) old gentleman
who
(and
has trained him-
while his conscience
self to grin
usually
is
picking
his pocket.
Philistine, ure of
its
One whose mind
n.
is
the creat-
environment, following the fash-
ion in thought, feeling and sentiment. is
He
sometimes learned, frequently prosperous,
commonly
clean and always solemn.
Philosophy,
route of
n.
many
roads lead-
ing from nowhere to nothing.
Phcenix,
n.
The
classical
modern "small hot
Phonograph,
n.
restores life to
Photograph,
n,
bird."
An
dead
prototype of the
irritating
toy
that
noises.
picture painted by the
sun without instruction in
art.
It
is
little
252
THE COLLECTED WORKS
better than the
quite so
good
Phrenology,
work
Cheyenne.
as that of
The
n.
Apache, but not
of an
science of picking the
pocket through the scalp.
It consists in lo-
cating and exploiting the organ that one
is
dupe with.
One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
Physician,
n.
Physiognomy, character of
w.
The
art of
another by the resemblances
and differences between own, which "There
is
no
is
determining the
his
face and our
the standard of excellence.
art," says Shakspeare, foolish
man,
"To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace!
He knew
his face disclosed
So, in his
own
mind and
defence, denied our art."
Lavatar Shunk,
Piano,
n.
impenitent
parlor utensil for subduing the visitor.
It
is
operated by de-
pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Pickaninny,
n.
or Americanus
thropos,
and
black
small,
The young
253
of the Procyan-
dominans.
charged with
It
is
political
fatalities.
Picture,
representation in two dimen-
n.
sions of
something wearisome in three.
"Behold great Daubert's picture here on view
Taken from
Life."
If
description's true,
Grant, heavenly Powers, that
be taken, too. Jali
An
Pie, n.
name
is
Cold
Hane.
advance agent of the reaper whose
Indigestion. was highly esteemed by th
pie
Rev. Dr. Mucker,
in
rema re main ins. s.
Funeral Sermon Over
The
British
Nobleman, Cold
pie
is
detestable
American comestible.
why I'm done
That's
or
undone
So far from that dear London.
From in
Piety,
n.
the
Headstone of
British
Nobleman,
Kalamazoo.
Reverence for the Supreme Being,
254
THE COLLECTED WORKS
based upon His supposed resemblance to
man. The
To
pig
taught by sermons and epistles
is
think the
God
of Swine has snout and bristles.
Judibras,
Pig,
An
n.
closely
allied
to
the
human
splendor and vivacity of
however,
is
its
by the
race
appetite, v^hich,
inferior in
it
sticks at
pig.
PlGMY^
One
n.
of
found by ancient travelers of
distinguish
who
sians
Pilgrim,
w.
in
many
The Pigmies
are so called to
them from the bulkier Caucaare Hogmies. traveler that
is
taken seriously.
Pilgrim Father was one who,
Europe
in
parts
but by modern in Central
the world,
Africa only.
men
tribe of very small
leaving
1620 because not permitted to
sing psalms through his nose, followed
Massachusetts,
God
it
to
where he could personate
according to the dictates of his con-
science.
Pillory^
n.
mechanical device for
inflict-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
255
prototype of the
ing personal distinction
modern newspaper conducted by persons austere virtues
Piracy^
lives.
Commerce without as God made it.
n.
dles, just
Pitiful^
and blameless
The
adj.
of
state
of
its
folly-swad-
an
enemy or
opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
PlTY^
failing sense of
w.
exemption, in-
spired by contrast.
Plagiarism^
pounded
literary coincidence
w.
com-
discreditable priority and an
of
honorable subsequence.
Plagiarize, of
To
v.
take the thought or style
another writer
whom
one
has
never,
never read.
Plague^
n.
ment of
In ancient times the
their ruler,
as
innocent in
admonition
of
the familiar instance of
The plague as we happiness to know it is
Pharaoh the Immune. of to-day have the
for
general punish-
256
THE COLLECTED WORKS
merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.
Plan,
To
v.
bother about the best method
of accomplishing an accidental result.
The fundamental
n.
and special glory of popular
element
literature.
thought that snores in words that smoke.
The wisdom tion
million fools in the dic-
of
dullard.
of
is
demi-tasse
jelly-fish
fable.
The
milk-and-morality.
of
of
in
departed truth.
mortal of
Pope's-nose
sentiment
moral without the
artificial rock.
All that
fossil
featherless
peacock.
withering on the shore of the sea
The
of thought.
cackle surviving the egg.
desiccated epigram.
Platonic,
Pertaining to the philosophy
adj.
of Socrates.
Platonic Love
for the affection between
is
fool's
disability
name and
frost.
Plaudits,
n.
pays those
Coins with which the populace
who
tickle
and devour
it.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Please,
To
v.
257
lay the foundation for
super-
structure of imposition.
«.
The
n.
An
Pleasure,
least hateful
form of
de-
jection.
Plebeian,
ancient
Roman who
in the
blood of his country stained nothing but his Distinguished from the Patrician,
hands.
who was
saturated solution.
Plebiscite,
popular vote
n.
to ascertain
the will of the sovereign.
Plenipotentiary,
adj.
Having
Minister Plenipotentiary possessing absolute that he never exert
Pleonasm,
n.
is
full
power.
diplomatist
authority on condition
it.
An army
of
words escorting
corporal of thought.
Plow,
n.
An
implement that
hands accustomed
Plunder,
v.
To
cries
aloud for
to the pen.
take the property of another
without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft.
To
effect
change of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
258
ownership with
the
brass band.
To
of
from
and leave
candid
concomitance
wrest the wealth of
lamenting
vanished
opportunity.
Pocket^
The
n.
cradle of motive and the
grave of conscience. is
In
woman
this
organ
lacking; so she acts without motive, and
her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.
Poetry^ the
form of expression peculiar
«.
Land beyond
POKER^ for
game
n.
some
to
the Magazines.
said to be played with cards
purpose
to
this
lexicographer
unknown. Police^
An armed
n.
force for protection and
participation.
Politeness,
n.
The most
acceptable hypoc-
risy.
Politics^ as
w.
strife of interests
contest of principles. affairs for private
masquerading
The conduct advantage.
of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Politician^
An
n.
eel
mud upon which organized society gles
superstructure
the
is
fundamental
the
in
259
of
he wrig-
reared.
he mistakes the agitation of his
tail
for
As compared
the trembling of the edifice.
with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
Polygamy^
house
w.
expiatory chapel,
fitted
atonement,
of
with several
of repentance, as distinguished
or
stools
from mono-
gamy, which has but one.
Populist^
patriot of
fossil
n,
gr cu tu al pe peri riod od
found
soapstone
underlying
ized by an
uncommon
some
naturalists
power
of flight,
in
the early
the old
Kansas
red
character-
spread of ear, which
him the though Professors Morse contend
gave
and Whitney, pursuing independent
lines of
thought, have ingeniously pointed out that
he would have gone
had he possessed
it
where.
In
picturesque speech of his
period,
some
come down
the
fragments
to us,
of
which
he was known
Matter with Kansas."
as
else-
have ^'The
260
THE COLLECTED WORKS Exposed
Portable^ adj.
mutable owner-
to
ship through vicissitudes of possession. His light
Nor
yet
estate,
its
make
neither he did
if
former guardian forsake
Is portable improperty,
take
it,
it.
Worgum
Portuguese, digenous
without even
to
when
They
and
stuffed
with
mostly
imperfectly
edible,
garlic.
Mistaken
Positive, ad].
in-
are
Portugal.
feathers
Slupsky,
of geese
species
pi,
n.
it
at the top of one's
voice.
Positivism,
philosophy that denies our
w.
knowledge of ignorance
exponent
of
the
Comte,
is
Real
the
and
affirms
Apparent. its
Its
our
longest
broadest Mill and
its
thickest Spencer.
Posterity,
w.
reverses the
An
appellate
judgment of
contemporaries,
the
court
which
popular author's
appellant
being
his
obscure competitor.
Potable,
n.
Water
is
some declare
it
Suitable for drinking.
said to be potable; indeed,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
261
our natural beverage, although even they find
the recurrent
which
it
so great to
when suffering from disorder known as thirst, for
palatable only
it
medicine.
is
Upon
nothing has
and diligent ingenuity been brought
bear in
all
ages and in all countries, ex-
cept the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. this general
To
hold that
aversion to that liquid has no
basis in the preservative instinct of is
we
are as the snakes and toads.
Poverty,
n.
file
provided for the teeth of
The number
the rats of reform. for
and without science
be unscientific
to
its
who
of plans
abolition equals that of the reformers
suffer
sophers
from
plus that of the philo-
it,
who know nothing
about
it.
Its vic-
tims are distinguished by possession of all
and by their
the virtues
faith
seeking to conduct them into
where they believe Pray,
v.
To
these to be
in
leaders
prosperity
unknown.
ask that the laws of the universe
be annulled in behalf of
single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.
Pre-Adamite,
w.
One
of an experimental
and
THE COLLECTED WORKS
262
apparently
unsatisfactory
race
that
ante-
dated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them
have inhabited "the Void" and
to
to
been something intermediate between
and
birds.
Little
known
is
of
have fishes
them beyond
the fact that they supplied Cain with
and theologians with
Precedent,
controversy.
In Law,
n.
wife
previous decision,
rule or practice which, in the absence of definite
has
statute,
authority
whatever
Judge may choose
force
and
give
to
it,
thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as
he pleases.
As
there are precedents for
everything, he has only to ignore those that
make
against
interest
his
and accentuate
those in the line of his desire.
Invention of
the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the
low
fortuitous ordeal to the
estate of
noble attitude of
Precipitate, adj.
Anteprandial.
Precipitate in
Took
action
dirigible arbitrament.
all,
first,
this sinner
and then
his dinner.
Judibras,
Predestination,
«.
The
doctrine
that
all
OF AMBROSE BIERCE things occur according to
263
programme. This
doctrine should not be confused with that
which
foreordination,
of
means
that
all
programmed, but does not afBrm their occurrence, that being only an implic-
ation is
to
from other doctrines by which
The
entailed.
difference
is
great enough
have deluged Christendom with
say nothing of the gore. tion of the
and
this
With
ink, to
the distinc-
two doctrines kept well
reverent belief in both, one
in
mind,
may hope
to escape perdition if spared.
Predicament,
n.
Predilection,
n.
The wage The
of consistency.
preparatory stage of
disillusion.
Pre-EXISTENCE,
n.
An
unnoted factor in crea-
tion.
Preference,,
sentiment,
n.
or frame of
by the erroneous one thing
An
is
belief that
better than another.
ancient philosopher, expounding his
conviction that life
was asked by
is
no better than death,
disciple
why,
then, he did
THE COLLECTED WORKS
264
"Because," he replied, "death
not die.
no better than It
is
is
life."
longer.
Prehistoric,
adj.
Belonging
museum.
period and
an
to
early
Antedating the
art
and practice of perpetuating falsehood. He lived in period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born
later,
when
Clio, celestial recorder,
Set
down
He
surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
great events in succession and order.
In anything here but the
lies
that she threw at us.
Orpheus Bowen.
Prejudice, visible
Prelate,
vagrant opinion without
w.
means of support. church
w.
ior degree of holiness
One of
officer
and
having
super-
fat preferment.
of Heaven's aristocracy.
gentleman
God.
Prerogative^
n.
sovereign's
right to
do
wrong.
Presbyterian, viction
the
that
n.
One who
the
governing authorities of
Church should be
holds the con-
called presbyters.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Prescription,
harm
what
with
situation
least
to the patient.
Present, the
physician's guess at
n,
best prolong the
will
265
That part
n.
domain of
of eternity
from
disappointment
the
realm of hope.
Presentable, the
manner
adj.
Hideously appareled after
of the time
and place.
man
In Boorioboola-Gha
able on occasions of ceremony
abdomen painted cow's
tail
in
if
present-
is
he have his
bright blue and wear
New York
he may,
if it
please
him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must
wear two
tails
made
of the
wool of
sheep
and dyed black. Preside,
v.
To
erative
body
nalese,
to
ment; The
as,
to
guide the action of desirable result.
perform upon
"He
presided at the piccolo."
solemn face
"The music was
The
very uncommonly grand
best that
In Jour-
musical instru-
Headliner, holding the copy in hand,
Read with
delib-
was every provided,
For our townsman Brown presided
THE COLLECTED WORKS
266
At
The
the
and grace."
skill
Headliner discontinued to read,
And, spreading the paper down
On
the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed:
"Great playing by President Brown."
Orpheus Bowen,
Presidency,
game
The
w.
American
of
President,
n.
The
group of men of it is
positively
greased pig in the politics.
leading figure in
whom
and of
known
that
them
If that's
To
an honor surely
immense numwant any
greater
'tis
simple and un damned spectator.
have been
me
man
in
Whom
no elector
of
mark and note
e'er denied
undiscredited, unhooted gent
Who By
only
for President.
Behold
An
small
whom
bers of their countrymen did not
of
field
might, for
acclamation.
all
we know,
Cheer, ye varlets, cheer
I'm passing with
open ear!
Jonathan Fomry.
Prevaricator,
w.
liar
in
the caterpillar
state.
Price,
n.
Value, plus
reasonable
sum
for
OF AMBROSE BIERCE the
wear and
ing
it.
Primate^
tear of conscience in
The head
w.
267
demand-
church, especially
of
church supported by involuntary
State
The Primate
contributions.
of
England
is
the Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable
who
Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. old
gentleman,
Prison,
place
n.
The
rewards.
occupies
of
poet assures us that prison make,"
"Stone walls do not
but
combination of the stone wall, the
political parasite is
and
punishments
and the moral instructor
no garden of sweets.
Private,
military
w.
gentleman with
field-marshal's baton in his knapsack
impediment Proboscis,
n.
in his hope.
The rudimentary organ
elephant which serves knife-and-fork
denied him.
and an
that
him
of
in place of the
Evolution has
as
For purposes of humor
popularly called
trunk.
yet it
is
THE COLLECTED WORKS
268
Asked how he knew on
going
that an elephant
journey,
the
illustrious
mentor, and answered, absently: ajar,"
"When
and threw himself from
monotory
Jo.
reproachful look upon his tor-
Miller cast is
was
into the sea.
it
high pro-
Thus perished
in his
pride the most famous humorist of antiquity, leaving to
mankind
heritage of woe!
worthy of the
successor
title
No
has appeared,
though Mr. Edward Bok, of The Ladies'
Home
Journal,
much
is
respected for the
purity and sweetness of his personal character.
Projectile, tional
were
The
w.
disputes. settled
final arbiter in interna-
Formerly these
disputes
by physical contact of the
dis-
putants, with such simple arguments as the
rudimentary logic of the times could supply the sword, the spear, and so forth.
With
the growth of prudence in military affairs the
and
projectile
into
now
held in high esteem by the
most courageous.
Its capital defect is that
favor,
and
is
personal attendance at the point
it
of propulsion.
Proof,
n.
Evidence having
shade more of
OF AMBROSE BIERCE The
plausibility than of unlikelihood.
mony
two credible witnesses
of
to that of
269 testi-
opposed
as
only one.
Proof-reader^
malefactor
n.
who
atones
making your writing nonsense by
for
mitting the compositor to
make
per-
unintell-
it
igible.
Property,
Any
w.
material thing, having no
particular value, that
it
grati-
for possession in one and
the passion
disappoints
be held by
Whatever
cupidity of B.
in fies
may
in all others.
The
object of
man's brief rapacity and long indifference.
Prophecy,
The
n.
art
and practice of
selling
one's credibility for future delivery.
Prospect,
An
n.
An
outlook, usually forbidding.
expectation, usually forbidden. Blow,
blow,
ye
spicy
breezes
O'er Ceylon blow your breath,
Where
every prospect pleases,
Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber-
Providential, adj.
Unexpectedly and con-
270
THE COLLECTED WORKS
spicuously beneficial scribing
Prude,
to
the person
de-
so
it.
bawd hiding behind
w.
the back of
her demeanor.
Publish^
In literary
v.
fundamental element
PUSH^
One
n.
affairs, to
in
become
cone of
critics.
of the two things mainly con-
ducive to success, especially in politics. other
The
Pull.
is
Pyrrhonism^
named
the
for
absolute
An
n. its
inventor.
disbelief
rhonism.
Its
ancient
It consisted of
an
everything
in
modern
philosophy,
professors have added
that.
QUEEN^ ruled
whom QuiLL^
n.
woman by whom
when
there
it is
n.
ruled
An
is
when
king,
there
is
the realm
is
and through not.
implement of torture yielded by
OF AMBROSE BIERCE goose and
wielded by an
This use of the quill its
271
modern
now
is
equivalent,
ass.
obsolete, but
the
steel
pen,
is
wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
Quiver,
portable sheath in which the
n.
ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments.
He
extracted from his quiver,
Did
An To
this controversial
argument well
Roman,
fitted
the question as submitted,
Then
Of
addressed
it
the
to
liver.
the unpersuaded foeman.
Oglum
Quixotic,
Absurdly
adj.
Quixote.
An
P. Boomp.
Don
chivalric, like
insight into the beauty
and
excellence of this incomparable adjective
unhappily denied fortune to
know
to
him who has
is
the mis-
that the gentleman's
name
pronounced Ke-ho-tay.
is
When
ignorance from out our lives can banish
Philology,
'tis
folly to
know
Spanish.
Juan Smith,
Quorum, of
n.
sufficient
deliberative
body
number to
of
members
have their own
THE COLLECTED WORKS
272
way and
own way
their
of having
quorum
United States Senate the chairman of the
In the
it.
consists of
Committee on Finance
messenger from the White House
and
House
the
of
Speaker and the
Quotation^
Representatives,
the
devil.
The
n.
of
in
act of repeating erron-
The words
eously the words of another.
erroneously repeated. Intent on making his quotation truer,
He
sought the page infallible of Brewer,
Then made Condemned
solemn eternally.
vow
that
Ah, me,
he would
ah,
be
me!
Stumpo Gaker.
Quotient, times
son
is
n.
sum
of
number showing how many money belonging to one per-
contained in the pocket of another
usually about as
many
times as
it
can be got
there.
Rabble,
n.
In
republic, those
who
exercise
supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections.
The
rabble
is
like
the
sacred
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Simurgh, of Arabian fable
273
omnipotent on
(The word
do nothing.
condition that
it
Aristocratese,
and has no exact equivalent
in
our tongue, but means,
as nearly as
is
may
be, "soaring swine.")
Rack,
An
n.
argumentative implement for-
merly much used false faith to call to the
in
persuading devotees of
embrace the living
truth.
As
unconverted the rack never had
any particular
efficacy,
and
now
is
held in
light popular esteem.
Rank, n. Relative human worth. He
held at court
elevation in the scale of
rank so high
That other noblemen asked why. "Because,"
'twas
His
scratch the royal back."
skill to
answered,
"others
lack
Aramis Jukes,
Ransom,
n.
The purchase
of
that
which
neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer.
The most
unprofitable of in-
vestments.
Rapacity,
The
n.
thrift of
Providence without industry. power.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
274
Rarebit,
Welsh
n,
of the humorless,
not
that
toad-in-a-hole
riz-de-veau of
calf
who
is
the
in
the speech
point out that
To whom
rabbit.
explained
rabbit,
may
it
comestible
really not
la financiere
it
is
be solemnly
known
toad,
as
and that
not the smile
is
prepared after the recipe of
she
banker.
Rascal,
fool considered
n.
under another
aspect.
Rascality,
Stupidity militant.
clouded
ity of
Rash,
n.
adj.
The
activ-
intellect.
Insensible to the value of our ad-
vice.
"Now
lay your bet with mine, nor let
These gamblers take your cash." "Nay,
this child
How
bet."
"Great snakes!
can you be so rash?" Bootle P. Gish,
Rational,
adj.
Devoid of
all
delusions save
those of observation, experience and reflection.
Rattlesnake,
Homo
n.
Our
ventrambulans.
prostrate
brother,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Razor, sian
An
n.
to
instrument used by the Cauca-
by the Mon-
enhance
his
beauty,
make
guy
of himself, and
golian to
Afro-American
to affirm his
the
n.
hand.
(and
by the
worth.
The radius of The area within which
Reach^
275
it is
human
possible
to gratify directly the pro-
pensity to provide. This
truth, as old as the hills,
is
That
The
life
poor
An
and experience teach:
man
suffers that keenest of
impediment
ills,
in his reach.
G.J.
Reading, reads.
n.
The
general body of what one
In our country
it
rule,
consists, as
of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect"
and humor
in slang.
We
know by
one's
reading
His learning and breeding;
By what
We
drawls
know
his
laughter
Hereafter.
laug ug Read nothing, la
The
Sphinx was
neve ne ve
less clever!
Jupiter
Radicalism,
row
n.
The
Muke,
conservatism of to-mor-
injected into the affairs of to-day.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
276
Radium,
mineral that gives
n,
stimulates the organ that
off heat
and fool
scientist is
with.
Railroad^
The
n.
chief of
many mechanical
away from where no better off. For
devices enabling us to get
we
are to
this
where we
are
purpose the railroad
held in highest
is
favor by the optimist, for to
make
permits
it
the transit with great expedition.
Ramshackle^
adj.
Pertaining to
order of architecture, otherwise the
Normal American.
Most
Ramshackle
though
order,
some of
arch ar chit itec ects ts preferred the Ironic.
ington
in
Theo-Doric,
are
and
is
cost
w.
The
Reality,
w.
our Re-
Wash-
are exceedingly brick.
art of depicting nature as
landscape painted
as
ecclesiastic
one hundred dollars
seen by toads.
written by
the
They
order of the Dorians.
Realism,
known are
cent additions to the
fine
certain
of the public
buildings of the United States earl ea rlie ie
him
The charm by
it
suffusing story
measuring-worm.
The dream
of
mad
philosopher.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE That which would remain one should assay of
phantom.
the cupel
The
if
nucleus
vacuum.
Really^ adv. Rear^
in
277
Apparently.
In American military matters, that
n.
exposed part of the army that
is
nearest to
Congress.
Reason,
v.
To weigh
i.
probabilities in the
scales of desire.
Reason^
Propensitate of prejudice.
n.
Reasonable, of our
own
Accessible to the infection
adj.
opinions.
who
has failed to establish
Recollect,
new misrule
proponent of
n.
v.
to persua-
and evasion.
sion, dissuasion
Rebel,
Hospitable
To
recall
it.
with additions some-
thing not previously known.
Reconciliation, ies.
suspension of hostilit-
n.
An armed
truce
digging up the dead.
for
the purpose of
278
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Reconsider,
To
v.
seek
justification
for
decision already made.
Recount,
In American
n.
throw of the against
whom
Recreation,
by
to
the player
particular kind of dejection
general fatigue.
person distinguishable from
n.
civilian
accorded
another
they are loaded.
n.
to relieve
Recruit,
dice,
politics,
by
his
uniform and from
soldier
his gait. Fresh from the farm or factory or
His marching,
Were
street,
in pursuit or
an impressive martial spectacle
Except for two impediments
his feet.
Thompson Johnson,
Rector,
n.
In the Church of England, the
Third Person of the parochial Trinity, the Curate and the Vicar being the other two.
Redemption,
n.
Deliverance of sinners from
the penalty of their sin, through their
der of the deity against
The
whom
doctrine of Redemption
mur-
they sinned.
is
the funda-
mental mystery of our holy religion, and
OF AMBROSE BIERCE whoso believeth
in
have everlasting
life in
derstand
We
shall not perish, but
which
un-
to try to
it.
must awake Man's
And
it
279
spirit
from
its sin,
take some special measure for redeeming
Though hard
indeed the task to get
it;
in
it
Among the angels any way but teaming it, Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. I'm awkward
My
method
at
Redemption
beginner:
to crucify the sinner.
is
Golgo Brone.
Redress^
Reparation without
n.
Among
the Anglo-Saxons
satisfaction.
subject con-
ceiving himself wronged by the king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat
brazen image of the royal offender with switch
that
own naked formed
by
was afterward applied
The
back. the
public
latter rite
to
his
was per-
hangman,
and
it
assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of
switch.
Red-skin,
whose skin outside.
North American Indian,
n. is
not
least not
on the
280
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Redundant,
Superfluous; needless; de
adj.
trap.
The
Sultan
"There's
said:
evidence
abundant
To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, "His head,
Replied:
at
least,
appears
excessive."
Habeeb Suleiman,
Mr. Debs
is
redundant
Referendum,
citizen.
Theodore Roosevelt,
law for submission of pro-
n.
posed legislation
to
popular vote
to learn
the nonsensus of public opinion.
Reflection,
n.
by we obtain
An
action of the
mind where-
clearer view of our relation of yesterday and are able to
to
avoid
the
perils
that
we
shall
encounter.
Reform,
thing
n.
that
mostly
satisfies
reformers opposed to reformation.
Refuge, one
n.
Anything assuring protection
Moses and Joshua provided refuge Bezer, Golan, Ramoth,
in peril.
six cities of
Kadesh, Schekem and Hebron
one
to
who had
to
which
taken life inadvertently could
OF AMBROSE BIERCE flee
when hunted by
the
de-
This admirable expedient supplied
ceased.
him with wholesome them
of
relatives
281
exercise and enabled
enjoy the pleasures of the chase;
to
whereby the
soul of the
dead man was ap-
propriately honored by observances akin to the funeral games of early Greece.
Refusal,
Denial of something desired;
n.
as
an elderly maiden's hand in marriage, to rich
and handsome suitor;
valuable fran-
rich corporation,
by an alderman;
chise to
absolution to an impenitent king, by
and
priest,
Refusals are graded in
so forth.
scending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal conditional, the refusal tentative is
called
The
and the refusal feminine.
by some
casuists the
last
assen-
tive.
Regalia,
Distinguishing insignia, jewels
n.
and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of
Bosh;
Delectable
Adam;
the
Modern Troglodytes;
Humbug;
the
gers;
Genteel
the
Hoodlums;
Visionaries of
Ancient the
Order
League
Golden Phalanx Society of
of
of
Holy
of Phalan-
Expurgated
the Mystic Alliance of Gorg-
282
THE COLLECTED WORKS
eous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the
Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the
West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable
Stuff;
Warriors of the Long Bow; Guard-
ians of the
Brutes;
Great Horn Spoon; the Band of
the
Impenitent
Order
Wife-
of
Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants
Worshipers Shining
Shrine;
troplated
at the Elec-
Inaccessibles;
Fee-Faw-Fummers
of the Inimitable
Jannissaries of the
Broad-Blown Peacock;
Plumed
Increscencies of the
the
ple;
Grand
Cabal
Associated
Sedentarians;
Grip
Magic Tem-
of
Abie-Bodied
Deities
of
the
Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of
Men
Similarly
Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of
Horror;
Breaking
Cooperative
into
the
Association
Spotlight;
Dukes
for of
Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Knights-Champions of the Domestic
Faith
Dog;
the
Optimists able
Holy Gregarians;
the
the Ancient Sodality of Inhospit-
Asso soci ciat ated ed So Sove vere reig igns ns Hogs; As
dacity;
Resolute of
Men-
Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-
Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of
Gents-Consequential
the
Mysterious
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
283
Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of
Worth and Hunger; Sons Star; Prelates of the
Religion,
the
South
Tub-and-Sword.
daughter of
n.
of
Hope and
Fear,
explaining to Ignorance the nature of the
Unknowable.
"What
is
your religion
my
son?" inquired
the Archbishop of Rheims.
"Pardon, monseigneur," replied Roche-
am ashamed of it." "Then why do you not become
briant; "I
an athe-
ist?"
should be ashamed of
"Impossible! atheism."
"In that
case,
monsieur, you should join
the Protestants."
Reliquary,
such sacred
w.
objects as pieces of the true cross, short-ribs
of saints, the ears of Balaam's
ass,
the lung
of the cock that called Peter to repentance
and
Reliquaries are
so forth.
metal, and the contents
ing
commonly
of
lock to prevent
from coming out and perform-
miracles
at
feather from the
unseasonable
wing
of the
times.
Angel of the
284
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Annunciation once escaped during
and
in Saint Peter's
sermon
so tickled the noses of
the congregation that they
woke and sneezed
with great vehemence three times each. is
prised
ian, it
Canterbury cathedral sur-
in the
head of
the
Dennis
Saint
Reprimanded by
library.
of
Sanctorum" that
related in the "Gesta
sacristan
explained that
in
was seeking
it
the
stern custod-
its
This unseemly levity
doctrine.
It
body so
en-
raged the diocesan that the offender was anathematized,
publicly
Stour
and
replaced
thrown
the
by another head of
Saint Dennis, brought from
Renown,
into
Rome.
degree of distinction between
n.
fame
notoriety and
ble than the one and
more supportamore intolerable
little little
Sometimes
than the other.
it
conferred
is
by an unfriendly and inconsiderate hand. touched the harp in every key,
But found no heeding ear;
And
then Ithurfel touched
With Not
all
me
revealing spear.
my
genius,
great as
'tis,
Could urge me out felt
And
the faint appulse of his, leapt into the light!
W.
J.
Candleton.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Reparation^
Satisfaction that
n.
wrong and deducted from committing
felt in
Repartee,
n.
Prudent
Prac-
insult in retort.
war
In
for
it.
aversion to violence, but to offend.
made
the satisfaction
by gentlemen with
ticed
is
285
constitutional
strong disposition
of words, the tactics
North American Indian.
of the
Repentance,
The
n.
follower of Punishment. It
is
usually mani-
degree of reformation that
fest in
and
faithful attendant
is
not
inconsistent with continuity of sin. of Hell,
Desirous to avoid
You
will repent
How
needless
And add you
and join the Church, Parnell?
Nick will keep you to the
woes of other
off the coals souls.
Jomater Abemy,
Replica,
n.
by the
artist that
so called to
which
is
two are the
reproduction of
made
it
made by another with equal
more beautiful than
for it
of art,
the original.
distinguish
more valuable,
work
it
from
artist.
It
is
"copy,"
When
the
skill the replica is is
looks.
supposed
to
be
286
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Reporter,
writer
n.
to the truth
and
who
dispels
it
guesses his
with
way
tempest of
words. "More
dear than
Whose
*lips
all
my bosom
knows,
thou
are sealed' and will not disavow!"
So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview."
Barson Maith,
Repose,
v,
i.
To
Representative,
member
of the
cease
from troubling.
In national
n.
Lower House
politics,
in this world,
and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
Reprobation, luckless
n.
In theology, the
mortal prenatally damned.
doctrine of reprobation vin,
state of
whose joy
by the sad
in
it
The
was taught by Cal-
was somewhat marred
sincerity of his conviction that
although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.
Republic,
nation in which, the thing
n.
governing and the thing governed being the same, there
is
only
permitted authority to
enforce an optional obedience. In
republic
OF AMBROSE BIERCE the foundation of public order
is
287 the ever
lessening habit of submission inherited
from
ancestors who, being truly governed, sub-
mitted because they had
to.
There
are as
many
kinds of republics as there are grada-
tions
between the despotism whence they
came and
the anarchy whither they lead.
Requiem, n. minor poets graves
way
of
assure us the winds sing o'er the
their
they sing
Resident,
varied entertainment,
dirge.
adj.
v.
Sometimes, by
favorites.
providing
of
Resign,
mass for the dead which the
t.
advantage.
Unable
To To
to leave.
renounce an honor for an renounce an advantage for
greater advantage. 'Twas rumored Leonard
Wood
had signed
true renunciation
Of title, rank and every Of military station Each honorable
By
his
To The
example
kind
station.
fired
inclined
noble emulation,
country humbly was resigned
To
Leonard's resignation
His Christian
resignation.
Politian Greame,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
288
Resolute,
Obstinate in
adj.
course that
we
approve.
Respectability,
between
n.
The
offspring of
bank account.
bald
Respirator,
An
w.
liaison
apparatus
fitted
over the
nose and
mouth
whereby
to filter the visible universe in
of an inhabitant of London, its
passage to the lungs.
Respite,
suspension of hostilities against
n.
sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to
determine whether the murder
may
not
have been done by the prosecuting attorney.
Any
break in the continuity of
disagree-
able expectation. Altgeld upon his incandescent bed
Lay, an attendant demon at his head.
"O
Some
pray
grant
from the
roast,
cook,
cruel
respite
"Remember how on
Your
friends in
"Unhappy O'er
fire
earth
Illinois
me some however
pardoned
when
soul! for that alone
unquenched,
relief
brief.
all
held in thrall."
you squirm
never-dying
worm.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE "Yet, for
"Naught, for the
Throughout
season, shall your comfort mar.
memory eternal
Heaven trembled
"As
state,
mollify and pains abate.
I'll
Not even
your uneasy
pity
289
as
down
who you dread
space
are."
silence
Compassion
demon,
long, sweet
As, governing
of
let
here,
my
Fd
Hell.
respite be
respite thee."
"As
long, poor soul, as any of the pack
You
thrust from jail
consumed
fell;
in getting back."
genial chill affected Altgeld's hide
While they were turning him on
t'other side.
Joel Spate
Resplendent, citizen
adj.
Woo p.
simple American
Like
beduking himself
in
his
lodge, or
affirming his consequence in the
Scheme
Things
parade.
unit of
as
The Knights
of
Dominion were
so
their velvet-and-gold that their masters
have known them.
Respond,
v.
i.
of
resplendent in
would hardly
^'Chronicles of the Classes"
To make
answer, or disclose
otherwise
consciousness of having inspired
an interest
in
what Herbert Spencer
calls
290
THE COLLECTED WORKS
"external
coexistences,"
as
Satan
toad" at the ear of Eve, responded to
like
To
the touch of the angel's spear. in
"squat
damages
is
respond
mainten-
to contribute to the
atto torn rney ey an and, d, incidentance of the plaintiffs at ally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
Responsibility,
detachable
w.
easily shifted to the shoulders of
Luck
Fortune,
it
upon
Eve had
feller
To
set
Or
play some
Is
see
which had ought
with monarchses of thought, rosy
little
game
battle-chaps on fields of fame,
downed by
And
what we should
let that
And many
With
unload
customary
it
In the
star.
Alas, things ain't If
God, Fate,
or one's neighbor.
days of astrology
burden
hollers:
his
unlucky
"Peanuts!
star,
here you are!"
"The St Stur urdy dy Be Begg ggar ar/* /*
Restitution,
n.
The founding
or endowing
of universities and public libraries
by
gift or
bequest.
ResTITUTOR,
n.
Benefactor; philanthropist.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Retaliation,
which
n.
reared
is
Retribution,
291
The natural rock upon the Temple of Law. rain of fire-and-brimstone
n.
upon the
that falls alike
just
and such of the
unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.
In the
following,
lines
Emperor
in
exile
by
addressed to an
Father
Gassalasca
Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his
imprudence of turning about
sense of the
when
face Retribution
Dom
What, what Back
taking exercise
it is
Pedro, you desire to go
to Brazil to
Why, what
to
end your days
in quiet?
assurance have you 'twould be so?
'Tis not so long since you were in
And Your
your dear subjects showed
throat and shake you like
That empires Republics are
Reveille^
dream
n.
are ungrateful; less
handy
will to fly at
rat.
are
You know you certain
to get hurt in?
signal to sleeping soldiers to
of battlefields no more, but get
and have their blue noses counted.
American "rev-e-lee,"
army and
ingeniously to
In the called
our
that pronunciation
countrymen have pledged their
up
lives,
their
misfortunes and their sacred dishonor.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
292
Revelation^
John
famous book
w.
Reverence^
set
v,
the commentators,
spiritual
dog
The
doubt of
in truth there's neither
that you have
In
n.
first
politics,
it)
it
read into
it.
an abrupt change
form of misgovernment.
American
it,
bone nor skin to
book, and so read out of
qualities
Revolution, in the
attitude of
man.
to
your wisdom (holding not
At work upon
Specifically,
history, the substitution of the
rule of an Administration for that of istry,
St.
t.
Although
in
The
w.
god and
to
Review,
To
which
the Divine concealed all that he knew.
The revealing is done by who know nothing.
man
in
Min-
whereby the welfare and happiness
the people were advanced
of
full half-inch.
Revolutions are usually accompanied by considerable effusion of blood, but are ac-
counted worth
made by the
this
it
beneficiaries
mischance
revolution
is
to
of
appraisement being
whose blood had not
be shed.
The French
incalculable value to the
Socialist of to-day;
when he
pulls the string
OF AMBROSE BIERCE actuating
bones
its
its
gestures
are
293 inex-
pressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting
law and order.
Rhadomancer^
n.
One who
uses
divining-
rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of
Ribaldry,
fool.
Censorious language by another
n.
concerning oneself.
RiBROASTER,
w.
Censorious language by one-
The word
concerning another.
is
of
classical refinement,
and
been used in
by Georgius Coadjutor,
fable
is
even said to have
one of the most fastidious writers of the teenth
century
garded
as
the
commonly,
fif-
indeed,
re-
founder of the Fastidiotic
School.
RiCE-WATER, used
w.
mystic beverage secretly
by our most popular
novelists
and
poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize th in
both
brewed
cons co nsci cien ence ce
obtundite in
the Dismal
It
is
said to be rich
and lethargine, and
midnight fog by
Swamp.
fat
is
witch of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
294
RlCH^
Holding
adj.
in trust
and subject
an
to
accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and
That
the luckless.
in the underworld,
Man
of
finds
its
is
the view that prevails
where the Brotherhood
most logical development
and candid advocacy.
midworld Riches,
denizens of the
word means good and
wise.
n.
from Heaven
gift
loved
the
To
son,
in
whom
signifying,
am
well
"This
is
my
be-
pleased."—/o/iw D.
Rockefeller.
The reward The savings
of toil and virtue. of
many
in the
J.
P, Morgan.
Eugene
hands of one.
Debs.
To
these excellent definitions the inspired
lexicographer feels that he can add nothing
Ridicule, the
n.
person
Words of
designed to show that
whom
they
are
uttered
is
devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing
him who
utters
them.
It
graphic, mimetic or merely rident.
bury test
is
of
many
quoted truth
as
may
Shaftes-
having pronounced ridiculous
be
it
assertion,
the for
solemn fallacy has undergone cent-
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
295
ridicule with no abatement of
uries of
What,
popular acceptance.
for
example,
more valorously derided than
has been
its
the
doctrine of Infant Respectability?
Right,
Legitimate authority to be, to do
w.
or to have
do
to
be
as the right to
neighbor,
one's
the
was
once
right
to
have
first
of
these
The
measles, and the like. rights
king, the right
universally
believed
to
be derived directly from the will of God;
and
this
ibus
sometimes afBrmed in part-
still
is
infidelium
outside
realms of Democracy; lines of Sir
By what
He
then,
were
Who, God His uninvited
is
session
is
were
air
in the Presidential chair.
so
by Right Divine;
wondrous thing God,
maintain an hour
on the throne, or
fool could baffle or If so, then
mule
as stubborn as
Whate'er occurs, God wills It
known
do royal rulers rule?
unwilling, could
His pride securely
Whatever
the well
as
the sanction of their state and pow'r
is
surely
enlightened
Abednego Bink, following:
right,
Whose
the
if
it
so.
Good
His design
rogue withstand!
say (intending no ofiFence)
Is guilty of contributory negligence.
land!
THE COLLECTED WORKS
296
Righteousness,
among
was once
virtue
sturdy
w.
that
Pantidoodles
inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula
Some
of Oque.
by returned missionaries
European
several
were made
feeble attempts
introduce
to
countries, but
it
appears
it
An
have been imperfectly expounded.
to
example of
sermon
extant
Rowley,
Bishop
from which
"Now
the
pious
passage
righteousness conslsteth not merely in
holy
yet in performance of religious rites
law.
letter
enough that one be pious and that
others
end
compulsion
also
are
same
the
in
just:
proper
is
my
injustice
may work
tice
may
be wrought upon
evil
as manifestly tort.
bound
of
characteristic
and obedience to the
own
found
here given
is
state of
it is
is
this faulty exposition
only
the
in
into
to
my
and to
state;
Forasmuch
to another, so
my
if
by
it
this
as
his injus-
another, the which
would be righteous
neighbor,
in all those injurious enterprises
better disposition
not
one must see to
means.
still
is
duty to estop as to forestall mine
Wherefore restrain
ill
It
by force
if
am
needful,
from which, through
and by the help of Heaven,
do
myself refrain."
RlME^
w.
Agreeing sounds
in the terminals of
The
verses themselves,
verse, mostly bad. as
distinguished from prose,
mostly
dull.
Usually (and wickedly) spelled "rhyme.''
OF AMBROSE BIERCE RlMER^
297
poet regarded with indifference
n,
or disesteem.
The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, and the expires. The sound Then the domestic dog, and west, Expounds
The
the passions burning in hi
rising
moon
brea breast st
o'er that enchanted land
Pauses to hear and yearns to understand.
Mowbray Myles.
RlOT^
popular entertainment given
n,
the military
R.
I.
by innocent bystanders.
careless abbreviation of requiescat
P.
attesting an
in pace,
the
indolent goodwill to
According
dead.
Drigge,
however,
to
the
the
learned Dr. originally
re ductus in pulvis,
religious or semi-religious cere-
n.
mony
the
letters
meant nothing more than RlTE^
to
fixed
by law, precept or custom, with
essential
oil
squeezed out of n.
He may
walk
of
sincerity
carefully
it.
Dutch Garden
of
God where
in rectilinear freedom, keep-
ing off the grass.
298
THE COLLECTED WORKS
ROAD^
strip of
n.
from where
pass
where
land along which one it
may
too tiresome to be to
is
go.
it is
All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome,
Whence, thank the good Lord,
one leads back
at least
home.
Borey the Bald,
Robber^ It
candid
n,
man
of affairs.
related of Voltaire that one night he
is
and some traveling companions lodged wayside
The
inn.
surroundings were sug-
gestive,
and after supper they agreed
robber
stories
turn
in
came he
at
When
turn.
said:
"Once
to tell
Voltaire's
there
Farmer-General of the Revenues."
was Saying
nothing more, he was encouraged to con-
"That," he
tinue.
Romance,
Fiction that owes no allegiance
n.
to the
God
novel
the
said, "is the story."
of
Things
writer's
probability, as ing-post, but in
as
They Are.
thought
is
In the
tethered
to
domestic horse to the hitch-
romance
it
ranges at will
over the entire region of the imagination free, lawless,
novelist
is
immune
to bit
poor creature,
and
as
rein.
Your
Carlyle might
OF AMBROSE BIERCE mere
say
He may
reporter.
299
invent his
characters and plot, but he must not imagine
anything taking place that might not occur, albeit his entire narrative
Why he imposes
this
and "drags
self,
at
much
so
found of
hard condition on himlengthen-
forging he can explain
candle's ray the black pro-
as
his
own ignorance
There are great
novels,
of the matter.
for
great writers
have "laid waste their powers" them, but
lie.
volumes without illuminating
in ten thick
by
candidly
each remove
own
ing chain" of his
is
to
write
remains true that far and away
it
the most fascinating fiction that
we have
is
"The Thousand and One Nights." ROPE^
n.
An
obsolescent appliance for remind-
ing assassins that they too are mortal.
It
is
put about the neck and remains in place one's
whole
worn upon another part
son; and this
Rostrum,
n.
prow
is
of
as the
preachment.
In Latin, the beak of
of
from which
electrical
rapidly giving place to an
known
apparatus
the
been largely
more complex
superseded by device
It has
life long.
ship.
In America,
candidate for
bird or place
office energetic-
300
THE COLLECTED WORKS
ally
expounds
power
and
virtue
of the rabble.
Roundhead,
member
w.
arian party in called
from
short,
whereas
wore
wisdom,
the
the
of the Parliament-
English
his habit of
his long.
wearing
enemy,
his
war
civil
so
hair
his
the
There were other
points of
difference between them, but the fashion in
hair was the fundamental cause of quarrel.
The
Cavaliers
were
royalists
king, an indolent fellow, found
venient to let his hair
This
neck.
the
because the it
grow than
Roundheads,
more con-
to
wash
his
who were
mostly barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal neck was therefore
of their particular indigna-
tion.
Descendants of the belligerents now
wear
their hair all
alike,
but the
fires
animosity enkindled in that ancient
smoulder
to this
of
strife
day beneath the snows of
British civility.
Rubbish,
w.
Worthless matter, such
as the
religions, philosophies, literatures, arts
and
sciences of the tribes infesting the regions
lying due south from Boreaplas.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE RUIN^
To
V,
Specifically, to destroy
destroy.
maid's belief in the
RUM^
maids.
Generically, fiery liquors that pro-
n,
duce madness in
Rumor,
301
total abstainers.
favorite
w.
weapon
of the assassins
of character. Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield,
By guard
unparried as by
serviceable
Against
His be the His the
Spare
And
wield
terror of
foe unseen,
the
blade.
hand upon the
deadly tongue,
hilt,
long,
rumor of some ancient slay the
me
me
no other
Hinting shall
let
my enemy inutile
And mine So
Rumor,
flight unstayed,
wretch without
slender,
keen,
guilt.
blow,
to celebrate his overthrow.
nurse
my
valor for another foe. Joel Buxter.
Russian,
and
n,
person w^ith
Mongolian souL
Sabbath^
n.
weekly
origin in the fact that
Caucasian body
Tartar Emetic.
festival
God made
having
its
the world
THE COLLECTED WORKS
302
and was arrested on the seventh.
in six days
Among
the Jews observance of the day
Commandment of which Christian version: "Remember
enforced by is
the
seventh day to
To
wholly."
make
was this
the
thy neighbor keep
the Creator
it
seemed
it
and
fit
expedient that the Sabbath should be the last
day of the week, but the Early Fathers
Church held other
of the is
the sanctity of the day that even
Lord holds diction
down
nized, as
is
where
the
doubtful and precarious juris-
who go down
over those
into)
So great
views.
the sea
it
is
to
(and
reverently recog-
manifest in the following deep-
water version
the
of
Fourth
Command-
ment: Six days shalt thou labor and do
And
all
thou art able,
on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.
Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable
still
supplies the captain with opport-
pious respect for the divine
unity to attest ordinance.
Sacerdotalist, that
n.
clergyman
One who is
priest.
holds the belief
Denial of
this
OF AMBROSE BIERCE momentous doctrine lenge that
now
is
is
hardiest chal-
the
flung into the teeth of the
by
church
Episcolopian
303
Neo-Dic-
the
tionarians.
Sacrament^ to
solemn religious ceremony
n.
which several degrees
of authority
Rome
significance are attached.
and
has seven
sacraments, but the Protestant churches, be-
ing
less
only
prosperous, feel that they can afford
and these of inferior
two,
Some
of the smaller sects
ments
at all
for
damned.
Dedicated
adj.
have no sacra-
which mean economy they
will indubitably be
Sacred^
sanctity.
purpose; having
to
some
religious
divine character; inspir-
ing solemn thoughts or emotions;
Dalai
Lama
M'bwango;
Cow
the
and
of
Thibet; the
the temple of
in India;
Onion
the
as,
Moogum
Apes
in
the of
Ceylon;
the Crocodile, the Cat
of
ancient
Egypt;
the
Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit
Noah,
etc.
All things are either sacred or profane.
The The
former to
ecclesiasts
bring gain
latter to the devil appertain.
Dumbo Omohundro,
304
WORKS
THE
Sandlotter^
mammal
vertebrate
n.
hold-
ing the political views of Denis Kearney,
demagogue
notorious
San
Francisco,
in the
open spaces
of
whose audiences gathered
True
(sandlots) of the town.
to the tradi-
tions of his species, this leader of the proletariat
was
and-order silent
bought
finally
enemies,
and dying impenitently
constitution that
was
diction of solecisms.
tween the words culotte"
is
his law-
prosperously
living
fore his treason he imposed
by
off
rich.
But
be-
upon California
confection of sin in
The
similarity be-
"sandlotter"
and "sans-
problematically significant, but
indubitably suggestive.
Safety-Clutch,
mechanical device
w.
act-
ing automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to
the hoisting apparatus.
Once
seen
In
And
human
ruin
elevator-well, his
embe em be
wa
bestrewin'
All the place where he had
And
fell.
says, apostrophisin'
That uncommon woful wreck: "Your
position's so surprisin'
That
tremble for your neck!"
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Then that ruin, smilin' sadly And impressive, up and spoke: "Well,
wouldn't tremble badly,
For
it's
Then,
been
fortnight broke."
for further comprehension
Of
his attitude,
my
will focus
On
attention
his various
How
he begs
arms and legs
they all are contumacious;
Where
How
they each, respective,
one trotter proves ungracious, an
These
particulars
For
to
Which
To None
show
alibi.
is
mentioned
his dismal state,
wasn't
first
intentioned
specifical relate.
is
worser to be dreaded
That
Than
ever have heard
the gent's
who
tell
there
was spreaded
In that elevator-well.
Now It
this tale is
And opine
For
is
allegoric
figurative all,
For the well
And
lie
is
metaphoric
the feller didn't it
isn't
fall.
moral
writer-man to cheat.
despise to
As was
wear
laurel
gotten by deceit.
305
306
THE COLLECTED WORKS For
*tis
By
Politics intended
the elevator, mind,
person splendid
boost
It will
If his talent
is
Bryan had the
Col.
talent
(For the busted man
And
shot
it
him up
is
him)
right gallant
Till his head begun to swim.
Then
the rope
And Where For
broke above him
he painful come to earth there's
nobody
to love
him
his detrimented worth.
Though
Or
it
he*s livin*
none would know him,
at leastwise not as such.
Moral
of this woful
Frequent
oil
poem:
your safety-clutch. Porfer Poog.
Saint,
dead sinner revised and edited.
n.
The Duchess irreverent old leroi,
who
in
of Orleans relates that the
calumniator, his
youth
Marshal Vil-
had known
him
called
delighted to hear that
Mon-
Francis de Sales, said, on hearing saint: "I
am
sieur de Sales
St.
is
saint.
He
was fond
of
saying indelicate things, and used to cheat at cards.
In other respects he was
gentleman, though
fool."
perfect
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Salacity^
807
certain literary quality
n.
quently observed in popular novels, especially in those v^ritten girls,
who
give
by
women and young
another
it
they are occupying
that in introducing
it
neglected
letters
of
field
name and think and reaping an
If they have the mis-
overlooked harvest.
fortune to live long enough they are tor-
mented with
Salamander^ ing
fire;
desire to
n.
Originally
reptile inhabit-
an anthropomorphous im-
later,
mortal, but
burn their sheaves.
pyrophile.
still
Salamanders
now believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who are
exorcised
it
Sarcophagus,
with
bucket of holy water.
Among
n.
which being made
of
the Greeks
cofHn
certain kind of carn-
ivorous stone, had the peculiar property of
devouring the body placed
ophagus known ers
is
commonly
to
in
it.
The
sarc-
modern obsequiograph-
product of the carpenter's
art.
Satan,
n.
mistakes,
One
of the Creator's lamentable
repented
in
sashcloth
and
axes.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
808
Being instated himself
as
multifariously
was
finally expelled
way
in his descent
"There
from Heaven.
he
Half-
his at last
one favor that
is
and
objectionable
moment and
thought
in
made
an archangel, Satan
head
went back.
should like to
ask," said he.
"Name
it."
"Man, created.
understand,
He
to
be
will need laws."
"What, wretch! you
his appointed advers-
from the dawn of
charged
ary,
about
is
with hatred of
you ask for the
soul
his
eternity
make his laws?" "Pardon; what have to ask is permitted to make them himself." right to
It
was
Satiety^
so ordered.
The
n.
feeling that one has
plate after he has eaten
Satire,
n.
An
position in author's
its
which the
enemies
vices
existence,
wherein
we
madam.
for
are
the
and
follies of the
expounded
were In
never had more than
tain
contents,
obsolete kind of literary com-
imperfect tenderness. ire
that he be
this
country
sickly
soul
dolefully
with
of
sat-
and uncerit
is
deficient,
wit,
the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE we
humor
that
being
tolerant
mistake for
their
Creator"
folly,
it
are
humor,
like all
More-
sympathetic.
Americans are "endowed by
over, although
is
and
it,
309
abundant
with
not generally
known
and
vice
that these
reprehensible qualities, wherefore the
satirist
spirited knave,
cry
for
regarded
popularly
is
and
sour-
as
his every victim's out-
codefendants
evokes
national
assent.
Hail Satire
be thy praises ever sung
mummy's
In the dead language of
For thou
and damned
thyself art dead,
Thy spirit Had it been Thou
(usefully
tongue,
employed)
in
as well
Hell.
such as consecrates the Bible perished
by the law of
libel.
Barney Stims,
Satyr^
w.
One
of the
few characters of the
Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the
Hebrew.
satyr
was
(Leviticus,
at first
member
community acknowledging ance
to
transformations later
7.)
The
of the dissolute loose
allegi-
many and improvements. Not
Dionysius,
infrequently he
xvii,
is
but
underwent
confounded with
and decenter creation of the Romans,
THE COLLECTED WORKS
310
who was
man and more
less like
like
goat.
Sauce,
The one
n.
infallible sign of civiliz-
and enlightenment.
ation
people with
no sauces has one thousand vices;
people
with one sauce has only nine hundred and
For every sauce invented and
ninety-nine.
accepted
Saw,
vice
n,
trite
it
popular saying, or proverb.
and
(Figurative
because
renounced and forgiven.
is
makes
So
colloquial.)
its
way
called
wooden head.
into
Following are examples of old saws with new
teeth.
penny saved
man
Is
penny to squander.
Is
known by
the
company
that he organizes.
bad workman quarrels with the
him
fitted
man who
calls
that.
bird In the
hand
Is
worth what
It
il
in
Better late than before anybody has invited you.
Example Half
much
else.
is
better than following
loaf
Is
better than
It.
whole one
if
there
Is
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Think twice
What
is
somebody
worth doing
to
Least said
He
before you speak to
do
is
is
friend in need.
worth
asking
it.
soonest disavowed.
laughs best
who
laughs
least.
Speak of the Devil and he will hear about
Of two
will
there's
SCARAB^US,
The
w.
Egyptians,
cient
contract.
won't.
there's
sacred beetle of the anallied
our
to
"tumble-bug." It was supposed immortality, the fact that
giving
it its
incubating also
its
the
but
reverence
American the
priest.
it
among
American
Its
habit of
is
may
to the favor of the
may some day
beetle
symbolize
ball of ordure
eggs in
priesthood, and
to
familiar
God knew why
peculiar sanctity.
have commended
equal
it.
evils choose to be the least.
Strike while your employer has
Where
311
assure
ourselves.
it
an
True,
an inferior beetle,
priest
is
an
inferior
312
THE COLLECTED WORKS
SCARABEE,
He
The same
w.
fell
by his
as scarabaeus.
own hand
Beneath the great oak
He'd traveled
He The
tried
to
tree.
foreign land.
in
make her understand
dance that's called the Saraband,
But he
called
it
Scarabee.
He had called it so through an afternoon, And the light of his harem if so might be. Had smiled and said naught. the body was
fair
to see.
All frosted there in the shine
Dead
And
for
recollection that
o'
moon
the
Scarabee
came too
late.
Fate!
They
He
buried him where he lay,
Day,
sleeps awaiting the
In
state,
And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on. Dead
for
Scarabee
Fernando Tapple.
Scarification, tised
n.
form of penance prac-
The
by the mediaeval pious.
performed, sometimes with times with
rite
knife, some-
hot iron, but always, says Ar-
senius Asceticus, acceptably
if
the penitent
spared himself no pain nor harmless figurement.
was
Scarification,
dis-
with other crude
OF AMBROSE BIERCE now been
penances, has
The founding
faction.
ment
university
of
is
said to yield to the
penitential
and the
to
method: the good
it
it
as
does
taint of justice.
king's staff of office,
n.
and symbol of
mace
ally
admonished terial
There
surer means of grace.
however, two grave objections
Scepter,
endow-
conferred by the knife or iron, and
is
therefore
are,
library or
sharper and more lasting pain
penitent
than
superseded by bene-
of is
313
his authority.
with his
which
It
the
was
origin-
sovereign
and vetoed minis-
jester
measures by breaking the bones of
their proponents.
SciMETAR,
curved sword of exceeding
n.
keenness, in the conduct of
Orientals attain
which
surprising proficiency, as
the incident here related
The account
is
translated
of Shusi Itama,
certain
to
show.
from the Japanese
famous writer of the
thir-
teenth century.
When demned Court.
the great Gichl-Kuktai to decapitation Jijiji Ri,
Soon
ance of the
after
rite
the
was Mikado he conhigh
hour appointed his
officer
for
of the
perform-
Majesty's surprise to see
THE COLLECTED WORKS
814
man who
calmly approaching the throne the
should
have been at that time ten minutes dead
hundred
"Seventeen
"Did
monarch.
enraged
the
impossible
dragons
1"
shouted
not sentence you
stand in the market-place and have
is
struck
And
by the public executioner at three o'clock?
off it
now 3:10?"
not
"Son of
thousand illustrious
condemned the truth
minister, lie
is
deities,"
you say
"all that
in comparison.
answered the so true that
is
But your heavenly
Majesty's sunny and vitalizing wishes have been cntly
appeared with in
With
disregarded.
unworthy body
it
in the
his
market-place.
The
his
own
"To
executioner
me
lightly
upon the neck,
am come
whom
was
to pray for justice
upon
dishonorable and treasonous head."
"To what boweled
my
scimetar, ar, ostent ostentati atious ously ly whirled bare scimet
strode away, pelted by the populace, with favorite.
pestil-
and placed
ran
joy
and then, tapping
air,
ever
to
regiment of executioners does the black-
caitiff
belong?" asked the Mikado.
the gallant Ninety-eight
seventh
know
man.
the
Hundred and ThirtyHis
name
is
Sakko-
Samshi."
"Let him be brought before me," to an attendant,
and
said
the
Mikado
half-hour later the culprit stood
in the Presence.
"Thou without
bastard
thumbs 1"
son
three-legged
of
roared
the
sovereign
thou but lightly tap the neck that
it
hunchback
"why
didst
should have been
thy pleasure to sever?"
"Lord of Cranes and Cherry Blooms,"
replied the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE "command him
unmoved,
executioner,
815 blow
his
his nose
and
expecting to see
the
to
nose with his fingers."
Being commanded, trumpeted
close,
Ri laid hold of
an elephant,
like
all
flung violently from him.
severed head
curred:
Jijiji
Nothing
performance prospered peacefully to
the
oc-
the
without incident.
All eyes were
now
who
turned on the executioner,
had grown as white as the snows on the summit of
His
Fujiama.
legs trembled
and
his
breath came in
gasps of terror.
"Sev "S ever eral al ki kind nd
am
"I
of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried;
ruined and disgraced swordsman!
struck
the villain feebly because in flourishing the scimetar
had
accidentally
Father of
passed
Moon,
t!ie
So saying, he grasped
it
through
resign
my
office."
laid
it
humbly
at
the
feet.
SCRAP-BoOK, edited
neck!
his top-knot, lifted off his head,
and advancing to the throne
Mikado's
my own
by
book that
n,
fool.
distinction
compile scrap-books containing
these egotists
about
to
employ others
lowing, by
commonly
Many persons of some small
whatever they happen selves or
is
to collect.
was addressed
that scrap-book
You keep record true Of every kind of peppered That's made of you;
of
in the lines fol-
Agamemnon Melancthon
Dear Frank,
One
Peters
where you boast roast
316
THE COLLECTED WORKS Wherein you
That
paste the printed gibes
round your name,
revel
Thinking the laughter of the
scribes
Attests your fame;
Where
all
the pictures you arrange
That comic
Your funny
pencils trace
figure
and your strange
Semitic face
Pray lend
it
Wit
me.
have not,
Nor art, but there The daily drubbings you'd have
Had God Scribbler^
views ar
Scriptures^
n,
got
fist.
professional writer whose
anta an tago goni nist stic ic to one's own.
n.
The
sacred books of our holy
religion, as distinguished
from the
profane writings on which
all
false
and
other faiths
are based.
Seal,
mark impressed upon
n,
certain
kinds of documents to attest their authenticity
and authority.
Sometimes
upon wax, and attached times into the paper sense,
is
it is
stamped
to the paper,
itself.
some-
Sealing, in this
survival of an ancient custom of
inscribing important papers with cabalistic
OF AMBROSE BIERCE words or
signs to give
them
817
magical efBc-
acy independent of the authority that they
many
served
museum
In the British
represent.
ancient papers,
are pre-
mostly of
sacerdotal character, validated by necrom-
pentagrams
antic
and other devices,
quently
of
with; and in
many As
pended now.
conjure
to
instances these are at-
way
tached in the same
words
fre-
that seals are ap-
nearly every
reasonless
and apparently meaningless custom,
rite
or
observance of modern times had origin in
some remote
utility, it is
pleasing to note an
example of ancient nonsense evolving
in the
process of ages into something really useful.
Our word
"sincere"
sine cero, without
is
derived from
wax, but the learned are
not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or to
the
formerly
wax with which
closed
from
letters
public
were
scrutiny.
Either view of the matter will serve one in
immediate need initials
natures sigillis,
seal
is
L. of
of
an
hypothesis.
The
commonly appended to siglegal documents, mean locum
S.,
the place of the seal, although the
no longer used
ample of conservatism
an admirable ex-
Man
318
THE COLLECTED WORKS
from the locum
sigillis
suitable
that perish.
beasts
humbly suggested
are
motto
whenever they
The words
for shall
Pribyloff
the
as
Islands
take their place as
sovereign State of the American Union.
Seine,
kind of net for effecting an invol-
n,
untary change of environment. is
made
more
strong and coarse, but
easily taken
with
For
fish it
women
are
singularly delicate
fabric weighted with small, cut stones.
The
seine of lace,
devil casting
(With
precious stones 'twas weighted)
Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of
women were
in that sack
draft miraculous, precious!
But
ere he could
They'd
all
throw
it
across his back
escaped through the meshes.
Baruch de Loppis,
Self-esteem,
n.
An
Self-evident, adj. to
nobody
erroneous appraisement.
Evident
to one's self
and
else.
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Senate,
body
n.
of
319
gentlemen
elderly
charged with high duties and misdemeanors.
Serial, that
literary
w.
work, usually
story
not true, creeping through several
is
newspaper or magazine.
issues of
Fre-
quently appended to each instalment
is
"synopsis of preceding chapters" for those
who have
direr need
but
not
is
synopsis of succeeding chapters for those
who do
not intend to read them.
of the entire
The
late
to
alternately,
and
weekly paper
They
us.
still better.
Bowman was
genius whose
tion with
ment
James F.
le for
ia
down
work would be
Bowman
synopsis
name
in collabora-
has not
come
jointly but
wrote,
supplying the
instal-
for one week, his friend for the next,
so on,
world without
Unfortunately
they
they hoped.
and
quarreled,
Monday morning when Bowman to
prepare himself for his
found
his
work
surprise
cut out for
and
him
ship and sunk
task,
in
way
he to
His collaborator
had embarked every character on
one
read the
paper
rative
writing
of the nar-
them
deepest part of the Atlantic.
all
in the
320
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Severalty, eralty,
/.
Separateness,
n.
lands held individually, not in
e.,
Certain tribes of Indians
joint ownership.
are believed to
have in
hitherto
now
to
ever ev eral alty ty
held
could not
be sufficiently civilized he lands that they have
organizations,
tribal
as
sell to
and
lands in sev-
as,
the
and
Whites for waxen beads
whiskey.
Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind
Saw
death before, hell and the grave behind
Whom
thrifty settlers ne'er besought to stay
His sm smal al
Whom
belo be long ngin ings gs their appointed prey;
Dispossession, with alluring wile,
Persuaded elsewhere every
His
By
fire
unquenched and
little
his
while!
undying
worm
"land in severalty" (charming term!)
Are
And
Sheriff,
resp spec ecti tive vely ly cooled and killed, re
duties, in
holding anchored fast!
In America the chief executive
w.
county,
officer of
States,
new
he to his
at last,
whose most
characteristic
some of the Western and Southern
are
the
catching
and hanging of
rogues. John Elmer Pettibone Cajec (I write of
him with
Was
bad as he could
just as
little
glee) be.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE *Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!
The
sun has never looked upon
man
So bad
Neighbor John."
as
sinner through and through, he
This added
To know
another
In such
To
fault:
made him mad
it
man was
case he thought
it
right
of night
rise at
And
had
quench that wicked person's
light.
Despite the town's entreaties, he
Would hale him to the nearest tree And leave him swinging wide and free.
Or
sometimes,
if
the
humor came,
luckless wight's reluctant
Was
frame
given to the cheerful flame.
While
it
was turning
nice
and brown,
All unconcerned John met the frown
Of
and righteous town.
"How
sad," his neighbors said, "that he
law should be
So scornful
An
anar
(That
To
is
c,
h,
the
i,
way
s,
t."
that they preferred
utter the abhorrent word.
So strong the aversion that
it
stirred.)
321
822
THE COLLECTED WORKS "Resolved," they
said, continuing,
"That Badman John must
Of
having his unlawful
"Now, by
fling.
these sacred relics"
Each man had out
^here
souvenir
lynching yesteryear
Grot at
"By
cease this thing
we
these
swear he shall forsake
His ways, nor cause our hearts
By
sins of rope
"Well
tie his
and torch and
They named him opened,
it is
and
there,
The
Sheriff. said,
One
n.
famous for seus
from
ively,
affair
with prayer. y.
Siren,
fulfil
of his lawless will."
So, in convention then
Was
stake.
red right hand until
He'll have small freedom to
The mandates
to ache
Milton Sloluck.
of several musical prodigies
vain attempt to dissuade Odyslife
on the ocean wave. Figurat-
any lady of splendid promise,
sembled
purpose
and
dis-
disappointing
per-
human hog
[Pig-
formance.
Slang,
n.
noramus
The
grunt of the
intolerabilis)
with
an
audible
OF AMBROSE BIERCE The
memory.
speech of one
323
who
utters
with his tongue what he thinks with his
and
feels the
plishing the
creator in accom-
pride of of
feat
The word
is
used variously,
but in the following verses on
reformer
is
wit
decomponent
fragment,
n.
remain.
women
as
capital of sense.
Smithareen, part,
means
parrot.
(under Providence) of setting up without
ear,
who opposed
because
seen at
its
it
noted female
bicycle-riding
"led them to the devil"
best:
The wheels go round The maidens hold
sound
without
high revel;
In sinful mood, insanely gay,
True
spinsters spin
From They
adown
the
way
duty to the devil!
laugh, they sing, and
Their
bells
go
all
ting-a-ling!
the morning;
Their lanterns bright bestar the night Pedestrians a-warning.
With
lifted
hands Miss Charlotte stands,
Good-Lording and O-mying,
Her rheumatism Her
fat
by
forgotten quite,
with anger frying.
She blocks the path that leads to wrath.
Jack Satan's power defying.
it
THE COLLECTED WORKS
324
The wheels go round without sound The lights burn red and blue and green. What's
found upon the ground?
this that's
Poor Charlotte Smith's
smithareen
John William Yope,
Sophistry,
n.
The
controversial
method
opponent, distinguished from one's superior
method cian
insincerity
own by This
fooling.
Gre-
the later Sophists,
is
sect
and
of
philosophers
of an
who began by
teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, lost
whatever men ought
maze
themselves in
to
know, but
of quibbles and
fog of words. His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away,
And drags his sophistry to light of Then swears they're pushed to madness who
To
falsehood of so desperate
Not
He
so; like sods lies
resort
sort.
upon
breast,
most lightly who the
least is pressed.
Polydore Smith,
Sorcery,
n.
The
ancient prototype and fore-
runner of po poli liti tica ca ever,
deemed
less
infl in flue uenc nce. e.
It was,
how-
respectable and sometimes
was punished by torture and death. Augustine
Nicholas
relates
that
poor peasant
OF AMBROSE BIERCE who had
325
been accused of sorcery was put to
the torture to compel
After
confession.
few gentle agonies the suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors to
be
Soul,
were not possible
if it
sorcerer without
knowing
it.
spiritual entity concerning
n.
there hath been brave
previous
(antedating Athens) had
state of existence
the
Plato
disputation.
held that those souls which in obtained
which
clearest
glimpses
of
eternal
truth entered into the bodies of persons
became philosophers. philosopher.
The
who
Plato was himself
souls that
had
least con-
templated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers
and
had threatened
decapitate
to
browed philosopher, despot. to
Dionysius
despots.
was
Plato, doubtless,
construct
system
of
the
I,
who
broad-
usurper
and
was not the
first
philosophy that
could be quoted against his enemies; certainly he
was not the
last.
"Concerning the nature of the soul,"
saith
the renowned author of Diversiones Sanc-
torum, "there hath been hardly more argu-
ment than
own belief
that of is
its
place in the body.
Mine
that the soul hath her seat in the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
326
abdomen
which
in
cern and interpret
He
most devout.
god
*make
is
of
well
he
as
is
belly'
why,
know
the
who
Truly and
nevertheless erred in
soberly,
Proma-
He
had observed
denying that
ble and material substance failed
cayed with the its
thing. This it
to
rest of the
is
what we
its visi-
and de-
after death,
call the Appetite,
rewarded or punished
the flesh.
and
wreck and reek of mortality,
world, according to what in
body
it
immaterial essence he knew no-
survives the
be
Who
and the stomach are one Divine
immortality.
but of
his
might and
Entity; and such was the belief of sius,
then,
to freshen his faith?
can
men
of all
having ever
piouSj
majesty that he shrines? the soul
dis-
said in the Scripture to
his
should he not be
Deity with him
may
truth hitherto unintel-
namely that the glutton
ligible,
so
we
faith
it
in
another
hath demanded
The Appetite whose
coarse
clamoring was for the unwholesome viands the public refect-
of the general
ory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that
which firmly though
civi ci vill ll
insi in sist sted ed on
ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, pates
de foie gras and bles shall flesh
all
its
such Christian comesti-
spiritual tooth in the souls
OF AMBROSE BIERCE of
them forever and
327
and wreak
ever,
its
divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the
and richest wines ever quaffed here
rarest
Such
below.
is
my
religious faith,
though
grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the
Pope nor His Grace
Canterbury
the Archbishop of
(whom
foundly
equally assent to
its
and
pro-
dissemina-
tion."
Spooker^
writer whose imagination con-
n.
phenomena,
cerns itself with supernatural especially the doings of spooks.
most
illustrious spookers of
William
D.
Howells,
To
could wish to meet. invests
to
company
and mannerly
the chairman
our time
who
well-credentiaied reader
of
One
of the is
Mr.
introduces as
respectable
of spooks as one
the
terror
district
that
school
board, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping
farmer from an-
other township.
Story,
The
n.
narrative,
commonly
untrue.
truth of the stories here following has,
however, not been successfully impeached.
One evening Mr.
Rudolph
Block,
of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
328
New
York, found himself seated
Mr. Percival
alongside
tinguished
at dinner
Pollard,
the
dis-
critic.
"Mr. Pollard,"
said he,
"my
Dead Cow,
Biography of
is
book. The
published
anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of
its
authorship. Yet in reviewing
speak of
it
Century.
Do
"I
am
as the
very sorry,
really
it
sir,"
fair criticism?"
replied the
did not occur to
critic,
me
that
might not wish the public
know who wrote
W.
you
of the Idiot of the
you think that
amiably, "but
you
work
it
to
it."
Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader Mr.
feel as if ice,
C.
stream of lizards, fresh from the
were streaking
ing in his hair.
it
up
his
back and hid-
San Jose was
at that time
believed to be haunted by the visible spirit
named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. The town was not very of
noted bandit
well lighted, and
it
is
putting
it
mildly
say that San Jose was reluctant to be out nights.
One
particularly dark
gentlemen were abroad
to o'
night two
in the loneliest spot
within the city limits, talking loudly to keep
OF AMBROSE BIERCE up
their courage,
J. J.
Owen,
when
well-known
"Why, Owen,"
you here on such
me
that
this
you afraid
"My
to
You
night as this?
told
are
Aren't
believer.
be out?"
speech, like the
autumnal
cadence
moan
leaf-laden wind,
afraid to be
Morrow's
stories in
of
in
his
have one of Will
in.
my
dare to go where there
read
"what brings
one of Vasquez' favorite
is
drear
am
journalist.
dear fellow," the journalist replied
with "I
came upon Mr.
one,
said
And you
haunts!
they
329
pocket and is
don't
enough
light
to
it."
Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standing near the Peace
Monument,
in
Washington, discussing the
question. Is success
failure?
Mr. Joy
sud-
denly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: that
band before.
"Hello!
Fve heard
Santlemann's,
think."
"I don't hear any band," said Schley.
"Come "but
see
to think,
don't either," said Joy;
General Miles coming down the
avenue, and that pageant always affects in the to
same way
scrutinize
as
one's
brass band.
impressions
One
me has
pretty
330
THE COLLECTED WORKS
closely, or
While
one will mistake their origin." the
hasty meal
Admiral was digesting philosophy General
of
passed in review,
When
dignity.
cession
Miles
spectacle of impressive
the tail of the seeming pro-
had passed and the two observers
had recovered from the caused by
"He
this
its
transient blindness
effulgence
seems to be enjoying himself," said
the Admiral.
"There
is
fully, "that
The
nothing," assented Joy, thought-
he enjoys one-half so well."
illustrious statesman.
Clark,
mile from the village of
once lived about
One day
Jebigue, in
rode into
favorite mule, and, hitching the
town on
beast on the sunny side of saloon, he
of
Champ
went inside
street, in front
in his character
of teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that
wine
is
day.
mocker.
Pretty soon
It
was
dreadfully hot
neighbor came in and
seeing Clark, said:
"Champ,
it is
not right to leave that mule
out there in the sun.
he was smoking
"O,
he's
all
as
He'll roast, sure!
passed him."
right,"
said Clark, lightly;
"he's an inveterate smoker."
OF AMBROSE BIERCE The neighbor his
took
lemonade, but shook
head and repeated that
He
was
it
was not
right.
There had been
conspirator.
the night before:
fire
331
stable just
around
number of horses had put on their immortality, among them young colt, which was roasted to Some of the boys had rich nut-brown. turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substihad burned and
the corner
tuted the mortal part of the colt.
another
man
entered the saloon.
"For mercy's sake!" he with sugar, keeper:
it
Presently
said,
taking
it
remove that mule, bar-
"do
smells."
"Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in Missouri.
But
if
he doesn't
mind, you shouldn't." In the course of
went
out,
cinerated charger.
out of
and and
The
human
events
Mr. Clark
there, apparently, lay the in-
shrunken
remains
of
his
boys did not have any fun
Mr. Clark, who looked
at the
body
and, with the non-committal expression to
which he owes that
silent
mist mi st
much
of his political pre-
But walking home night he saw his mule standing
ferment, went late
so
away.
and solemn by the wayside moon mo onli ligh ght. t.
in
the
Mentioning the name of
THE COLLECTED WORKS
332
Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis,
Mr. Clark took
the back track as hard as
ever he could hook
and passed the night
it,
in town.
General H. H. Wotherspoon, president
Army War
of the
College, has
pet rib-
uncommon
nosed baboon, an animal of
telligence but imperfectly beautiful.
in-
Re-
turning to his apartment one evening, the
General was surprised and pained
Adam
(for so the creature
Darwinian)
general being
him and wearing coat, epaulettes
"You
the
sitting
Adam got
great
ancestor!"
strategist,
"what do
and,
table,
and with all
scuffling
while waiting.
manner
the
room
visiting-card:
of his to
Gen-
and, judging by an
empty champagne
his
across
Barry had
had
reproachful look
fours in the
returned with
stumps,
after taps?
coat on!"
rose
down on
kind eral
my
for
remote
you mean by being out of bed and with
up
all.
confounded
thundered
named, the
master's best uniform
its
and
is
find
to
bottle
been
The
and several
hospitably
cigar-
entertained
general apologized to
faithful progenitor
and
retired.
The
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
333
who
next day he met General Barry,
said:
"Spoon, old man, when leaving you
last
forgot to ask you about those ex-
evening
cellent cigars.
Where do you
get them?"
General Wotherspoon did not deign reply, but
walked away.
"Pardon me, after
moving
please," said Barry,
Why,
him; "I was joking of course.
knew it was not you before the room fifteen minutes." Success,
n.
to
had been
The one unpardonable In
in
sin against
and particu-
literature,
larly in poetry, the elements of success are
exceedingly simple, and are admirably
set
forth in the following lines by the reverend
Father Gassilasca Jape,
entitled,
for
some
mysterious reason, "John A. Joyce."
The
bard
Do
who would
his thinking in prose
crimson cravat,
And Be If
book,
and wear
far-away look
head of hexameter
thin in your thought
hair.
and your body'll be
you wear your hair long you needn't your
Suffrage, of
prosper must carry
n.
ballot.
as
hat.
Expression of opinion by means
The
right of suffrage (which
held to be both
means,
fat;
commonly
privilege
and
is
duty)
interpreted, the right to
THE COLLECTED WORKS
334
vote for the
of another man's choice,
highly prized.
is
the
man
Refusal to do so has
bad name of "incivism." The
incivilian,
however, cannot be properly arrainged for his crime, for
is
If the accuser
is
no legitimate accuser.
himself guilty he has no
standing in the court of opinion profits
if
not,
he
by the crime, for A's abstention from
voting gives greater weight to the vote of B.
By female suffrage is meant the woman to vote as some man tells is
her
to.
based on female responsibility, which
somewhat to
right of
jump out
rights
is
eager
of her petticoat to assert her to
first
is
The woman most
limited.
It
threatened with
jump back
into
it
when
switching for misusing
them.
Sycophant, ness on his
manded
One who approaches Greatbelly so that he may not be com-
n.
to turn
and be kicked.
He
is
some-
times an editor.
As
the lean leech,
To
fix itself
Till, It
its
upon
its
victim found,
is
pleased
part diseased
lack la ck hi hide de distended with bad blood,
drops to die of surfeit in the mud.
So the base sycophant with joy descries
His neighbor's
spot and his
mouth
applies,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Gorges and prospers Unlike that Gelasma,
Your
he will not
talent to the service of
let go.
goat,
forceful logic that
more than Aaron's
its
beard
to be revered
fit
honoring
If to the
Profit had
although,
paid you to devote
if it
Showing by Is
reptile,
like the leech,
885
its
smell
prompted you, and love
as well,
The world would benefit at last by you And wealthy malefactors weep anew Your
And
favor for
moment's space denied
to the nobler object turned aside.
not enough that thrifty millionaires
Is't
Who
loot in freight
and
spoliate in fares,
Or, cursed with consciences that bid them
To
fly
safer villainies of darker dye.
Forswearing robbery and
To steal May see
(they call
it
fain, instead.
"cornering") our bread
you groveling their boots to
And
begging for the favor of
Still
must you follow
Your
And
lick
kick?
to the bitter
end
sycophantic disposition's trend, in
your eagerness to please the rich
Hunt hungry
sinners to their final ditch?
In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire.
And
sing hosannas to great
Havemeyer!
What's Satan done that him you should eschew
He
too
Syllogism, of
is
reeking rich
n,
major and
inconsequent.
deducting you.
logical
formula consisting
minor assumption and an (See LOGIC.)
THE COLLECTED WORKS
836
Sylph,
An
n.
immaterial but visible being
that inhabited the air
when
element and before
was
it
the air
an
fatally polluted
by factory smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization.
gnomes, nymphs
Sylphs were allied
and salamanders,
which
dwelt, respectively, in earth, water and all
now
and female,
apparently, for
if
must have nested
fire,
Sylphs, like fowls of
insalubrious.
the air,
to
to
no purpose,
they had progeny they
none
in inaccessible places,
of the chicks having ever been seen.
Symbol,
n.
Something that
is
symbols are mere "survivals"
having no longer any to
because
we have
make them;
memorial real
We
urns
as
utility
things which
continue
funereal urns carved on
monuments.
They were
holding
name
to
inherited the tendency
of
the
cannot stop making them, but
give them
to
Many
for something else.
typify
exist
supposed
that conceals
once dead.
we
can
our help-
lessness.
Symbolic,
adj. Pertaining to
symbols and the
use and interpretation of symbols.
They
say
'tis
conscience feels compunction;
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
337
hold that that's the stomach's function,
For of the sinner
That when
Or
ill
have noted
he's sinned he's
somewhat
bloated,
some other ghastly fashion
Within that bowel of compassion. True,
believe the only sinner
Is he that eats
shabby dinner.
You know how Adam For ea in
with good reason,
appl ap ples es out of season,
Was
"cursed."
The
truth
is,
But that
Adam
is
all
had the
symbolic:
colic.
G.J.
T, the twentieth
letter of the
English alphabet,
was by the Greeks absurdly called
whence ours comes
the alphabet
form of
it
tau.
In
had the
rude corkscrew of the period,
and .when
it
stood alone (which
was more
than the Phoenicians could always do) signified
Tallegalf
translated
by the learned
Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."
Table
d'
HoTE,
n.
caterer's thrifty conces-
sion to the universal passion for irresponsibility.
Old Paunchinello,
Took Madame
freshly
wed,
P. to table.
THE COLLECTED WORKS
338
And
there deliriously fed
As
he was able.
fast as
"I dote upon good grub," he cried, Intent upon
"Ah,
its
throatage.
the neglected bride,
es
"You're in your table d*h6tage" Associated Poets.
Tail,
The
n.
part of an animal's spine that
has transcended
its
natural
limitations
set
up an independent existence
of
its
Man he
Excepting
own.
without
is
attests
sciousness
tail,
in
his
world
in fcetal
uneasy con-
coat-skirt of the
male and
marked
the train of the female, and by
tendency to ornament that
where the
tail
once was.
This tendency
in the
of his attire
should be^ and indubitably is
most observable
female of the species, in
ance an cest stra ra
sens se ns
is
whom
The by Lord Monboddo
are
men described now generally regarded
an
imagination
unusually
as
product of
susceptible
influences generated in the golden
Take,
v.
t.
the
strong and persistent.
tailed
our pithecan
state,
privation of which
an hereditary and
by the
to
to
of
past.
To
acquire, frequently
but preferably by
stealth.
by force
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Talk,
v.
t.
To commit
339
an indiscretion without
temptation, from an
mp
se
itho it hout ut pur-
pose.
Tariff,
of
scale
w.
taxes
on
imports,
designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.
The Enemy
Human
of
Souls
Sat grieving at the cost of coals;
For Hell had been annexed of
And was
late,
sovereign Southern State.
"It were no more than right," said he,
"That
The
should get
my
fuel free.
duty, neither just nor wise,
Compels me
to
Whereby my
economize
broilers, every one,
Are execrably underdone.
What would
To
do them nicely to
can*t afford
This
tariff
Beneath
makes even
Outdoes
The
my
devils cheat!
humble trade
at will invade:
nose the public press in sulphureousness
bar ingeniously applies
To my
My
may
my me
turn,
an honest heat.
I'm ruined, and All rascals
although
they have?
undoing
my own
lies;
medicines the doctors use vainly) to refuse
To me my
fair
and rightful prey
yearn
840
THE COLLECTED WORKS And The
keep their
own
in shape to pay;
preachers by example teach
What, scorning
And statesmen, More promises
to perform,
aping me,
preach;
make
all
than they can break.
Against such competition
up
Lift
Since
disregarded cry.
all
ignore
my
just complaint,
By Hokey- Pokey! I'll turn saint!" Now, the Republicans, who all Are
began at once to bawJ
saints,
Against his competition; so
There was
They
go
devil of
locked horns with him, tete-a-tete
In acrimonious debate, Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,
Had
hopes of coming by their own.
That
evil to avert, in haste
The two But
belligerents
since 'twere
The
wicked to relax
Sacred Tax,
tittle
'Twas
embraced;
finally agreed to grant
bold Insurgent-protestant
bounty on each soul that
fell
Into his ineffectual Hell.
Edam
Technicality,
n.
In an English court
named Home was ing accused
Smith.
man
tried for slander in hav-
neighbor of murder.
His
words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken
cleaver and stricken his cook upon
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
341
the head, so that one side of the head fell
upon one shoulder and the other
The
the other shoulder."
side
upon
defendant was
acquitted by instruction of
the
court,
the
learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.
Tedium,
Ennui, the
n.
one that
bored.
is
tions of the
so
the
it
comes from
first
fanciful deriva-
word have been as
affirmed, but
Father Jape says
very obvious source
words of the ancient Latin hymn Te
Deum Laudamus. ral
Many
high an authority
that
state or condition of
derivation
In
there
this is
apparently natu-
something
that
saddens.
Teetotaler, drink,
n.
One who
sometimes
abstains
totally,
from strong
sometimes
toler-
ably totally.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making tance.
disagreeable person keep his dis-
342
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Telescope,
device having
n.
relation to
the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us
with
multitude
It
in
sum-
human
relation to the coin of the realm.
its
its
highest
development
and
considered
of
iceable equipment for
The
bell
certain quality of the
n,
attains
hand
details.
us to the sacrifice.
Tenacity,
hand
needless
unprovided with
Luckily
moning
of
in
the
career in politics.
following illustrative lines were writCalifornian gentleman in high po-
ten of litical
preferment,
who
to
accounting:
Of
such tenacity his grip
That nothing from
his
Well-buttered eels you
hand can
slip.
may o'erwhelm
In tubs of liquid slippery-elm In vain
from
his detaining pinch
They cannot struggle half an inch! Tis lucky that he so is planned That breath he draws not with For
if
his
hand,
he did, so great his greed
He*d draw
his last
with eager speed.
Nay, that were wtII, you
He'd draw but never
say.
let it
go!
Not
so
his
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Theosophy,
An
n.
848
ancient faith having all
the certitude of religion and all the mystery
The modern Theosophist Buddhists, that we live an
of science.
holds,
with the
incal-
number
culable
of times on this earth, in as
many
several bodies, because one life
long
enough
our
for
development; that
complete
is
not
spiritual
single lifetime does
is,
not suffice for us to become as wise and
good
as
we
choose to wish to become.
be absolutely wise and good
that
and the Theosophist
fection;
per-
is
keen-
so
is
To
sighted as to have observed that everything
improvement eventually
desirous of
Less competent observers are
perfection.
disposed to except
cats,
which seem neither
wiser nor better than they were
The
greatest
who had no Tights,
and
was the
sophists
n.
attains
fattest
late
last year.
recent Theo-
of
Madame
Blavatsky,
cat.
An
habiliment
of
the
stage
designed to reinforce the general acclamation
of the press
publicity.
agent with
Public attention was once some-
what diverted from Lillian
Russell's
many were
particular
this
refusal
garment to
wear
to it,
Miss
and
the conjectures as to her motive,
844
THE COLLECTED WORKS
the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing
high order of ingenuity and sustained tion.
It
was Miss Hall's
belief that nature
had not endowed Miss Russell with ful
reflec-
beauti-
This theory was impossible of
legs.
acceptance by the male understanding, but faulty female leg
the conception of
so prodigious originality as to rank
the
most brilliant
speculation!
It
is
feats
of
was
of
among
philosophical
strange that in all the con-
troversy regarding Miss Russell's aversion
no one seems
to tights
ascribe
it
have thought
what was known among
to
ancients as "modesty."
sentiment
to
now
is
The
to
the
nature of that
imperfectly understood,
and possibly incapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. of
has,
revived
however,
and some of the
recovered. This
and there
is
ive "blush"
ing-place
is
The
been arts
study
recently
themselves
an epoch of renaissances,
ground for hope that the primit-
may be dragged from
its
hid-
amongst the tombs of antiquity
and hissed on
to the stage.
The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with certain sanctity, but when they have been
Tomb,
n.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE long tenanted
them
open
it is
345
considered no sin to break
and
rifle
them,
the
famous
Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that
tomb may be innocently "glened" as its
occupant
being then
view
is
logists,
ity
is
all
now
soon
done "smellynge," the soul
exhaled.
This reasonable
generally accepted by archaeo-
whereby the noble science of Curios-
has been greatly dignified.
Tope,
To
v.
tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle,
In the individual, toping
lush, bib, or swig. is
as
regarded
with
disesteem,
but
toping
nations are in the forefront of civilization
When
and power. drinking
Christians
down
hometans go In
scythe.
pitted against the hard-
beef-eating
the like
abstemious before
grass
Mathe
one hundred thousand
India
and brandy-and-soda guzzling
Britons hold in subjection two hundred and million
fifty
same Aryan the
abstainers
race.
With what an
whisky-loving
American
of
the
easy grace
pushed
the
temperate Spaniard out of his possessions!
From all
the time
when
the Berserkers ravaged
the coasts of western
drunk
in every
the same
Europe and lay
conquered port
it
has been
way: everywhere the nations
that
THE COLLECTED WORKS
346
drink too
much
are observed to fight rather
well and not too righteously. the estimable old ladies
who
Wherefore
abolished the
army may
canteen from the American
justly
boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power.
Tortoise,
creature thoughtfully created
w.
supply occasion for the following
to
by the
TO
My
friend,
Your
Nor
To As
Ambat Delaso
illustrious
gait's
MY
PET TORTOISE
you are not graceful between
stagger and
at,
and
do not doubt
to your feet, they'd
'Tis true you take
No, you're not
it
in
but you have,
sleep.
own,
mostly you're backbone.
virtues that the great
wish that they did not; excuse
aches.
whene'er you
Firmness and strength '(you have
lack
snake's
make an angel weep.
them
pretty,
certain firmness
You
sprawl.
are you beautiful: your head's
look
Are
not at all;
my
giant's thews)
know how yet,
to use
on the whole,
mentioning
it
Soul.
lines
OF AMBROSE BIERCE So, to be candid, unreserved I'd rather
you were
and
true,
were you.
than
Perhaps, however, in
time to be,
When Man's
better
extinct,
Your progeny
power and
in
Due
to the genesis
So
salute
you
world may
see
control,
and growth of Soul.
as
reptile
grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.
Father of
To
deign
Possibilities,
accept the
homage
dying reign!
of
In the far region of the unforeknown
dream see
tortoise
an Emperor
upon every throne. his
head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of
King who
Law;
carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he
carries that;
President not strenuously bent
On
punishment of audible dissent
Who
never shot
An armed
(it
were
vain attack)
or unarmed tortoise in the back;
Subjects and citizens that feel no need
To make
the
March
of
Mind
wild stampede;
347
THE COLLECTED WORKS
848
All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And "Take
your time" the word, in Church and
Tortoise,
My
happy, happy dream,
glorious testudinous regime!
wish
By
*tis
State.
Eden you'd brought
in
slouching in and chasing
Tree,
n,
tall
serve
to
out.
penal
apparatus,
though
miscarriage of justice most trees negligible fruit, or none at
bear only ficent
Adam
about
vegetable intended by nature
as
through
When
this
naturally fruited, the tree
all.
bene-
is
agency of civilization and an importIn the stern
ant factor in public morals.
West and
the sensitive South
its
fruit (white
and black respectively) though not
eaten,
is
agreeable to the public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare.
That
the legitimate relation of the tree to
was no discovery
justice
(who, indeed, conceded the
lamp-post
made
and
the
Judge Lynch no primacy over
of
it
bridge-girder)
is
plain by the following passage from
Morryster,
who
antedated
him by two
cent-
uries
While tree,
in y* londe
whereof
was carryed
to see y«
Ghogo
had hearde moch talk; but sayynge
y*
OF AMBROSE BIERCE saw naught remarkabyll villayge
where
"Y®
tree
it
is
not
nowe
have affroynted y^ King
And
it,
y^ hed
grewe made answer
dependynge
you
in
was furder
as
849
manne
of y*
oUoweth
in fruite, but in his seasonne fr.
his
his braunches all soch as
Majesty."
tolde y* y^
worde "Ghogo"
sygni-
fyeth in y^ tong y^ same as "rapscal" in our owne.
Trauvells in y^ Easte,
Trial,
formal inquiry designed
w.
to
prove
and put upon record the blameless characters of judges, advocates
and
jurors.
der to effect this purpose
supply
necessary to
contrast in the person of one
called the defendant,
accused.
clear this person affliction
the prisoner,
If the contrast
as will
is
made
is
In or-
made
who
is
or the
sufficiently
undergo such an
to
give the virtuous gentle-
men
comfortable sense of their immunity,
added
to that of their
the accused socialist, fishes,
usually
and
beast that
practiced
tried and,
if
insects
being, or
animals,
were brought
had taken human
sorcery,
was
condemned, put
public executioner. fields,
human
In our day
but in mediaeval times,
reptiles
trial.
or
is
worth.
duly
to
life,
arrested,
to death
by the
Insects ravaging grain
orchards or vineyards were cited
appeal by counsel before
civil
to
tribunal,
350
and
THE COLLECTED WORKS testimony,
after
demnation,
if
argument
high
to
ecclesi-
where they were solemnly
communicated and anathematized. street of
ex-
In
Toledo, some pigs that had wick-
edly run between the viceroy's ing him, were arrested on
and punished.
demned
con-
they continued in contuma-
ciam the matter was taken astical court,
and
warrant, tried
In Naples an
be burned
to
legs, upsett-
ass
was con-
at the stake,
but the
sentence appears not to have been executed.
D'Addosio
many
relates
trials
dogs, goats,
of
from the court records
pigs,
etc.,
bulls,
greatly,
horses,
cocks,
believed, to
the betterment of their conduct and morals.
In
suit
145
leeches infesting
was brought against
the
some ponds about Berne,
and the Bishop of Lausanne, instructed by the faculty of rected that
Heidelberg University,
some of "the aquatic worms" be
brought before the local magistracy.
was done and the absent,
di-
This
leeches, both present
were ordered
and
to leave the places that
they had infested within three days on pain of incurring "the malediction of
God."
In
the voluminous records of this cause celebre
nothing
is
found
to
show whether the
of-
fenders braved the punishment, or departed
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
351
forthwith out of that inhospitable jurisdiction.
Trichinosis,
The
n.
pig's reply to
propon-
ents of porcophagy.
Moses Mendlessohn having
who
Christian physician,
for
fallen at
nosed the philosopher's disorder sis,
but tactfully gave
it
sent
once diag-
as trichino-
another name.
need an immediate change of
"you must eat
ill
diet,"
"You
he said;
ounces of pork every other
six
day."
"Pork?"
Nothing
shrieked
shall induce
"Do you mean
the
me
to
patient
touch
"pork?
it!"
that?" the doctor gravely
asked.
"I swear
"Good!
it!"
will undertake to cure
then
you."
Trinity, certain distinct
n.
In
the
Christian deities
multiplex
churches,
consistent
theism
three
with
entirely
only
Subordinate deities of the polytheistic such
as devils
and
angels, are not
of
one. faith,
dowered
with the power of combination, and must urge individually their claims to adoration
THE COLLECTED WORKS
352
and propitiation.
The
Trinity
one of the
is
most sublime mysteries of our holy In rejecting ible,
it
because
Unitarians
religion
betray
we
that
one.
believe the former as
Troglodyte,
In
instance
In of
that
we
case
part of the
an an
contradicts
Specifically,
n.
inadequate
what we do not
the
doctrine
incomprehensible
incomprehens-
their
believe only
except in
understand,
is
fundamentals.
theological
of
sense
it
religion.
latter.
cave-dweller
of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and
famous community of
before the Flat.
troglodytes dwelt with of Adullam.
The
one that was in
was
in debt,
tented"
Truce,
w.
Truth,
n.
bility is
David
in the
colony co cons nsis iste te
distress,
Cave
of "every
and every one
that
and every one that was discon-
in brief, all the Socialists of
Judah.
Friendship.
An
ingenious
and appearance.
compound
of desira-
Discovery of truth
the sole purpose of philosophy,
which
the most ancient occupation of the
mind and
has
fair prospect of
is
human existing
with increasing activity to the end of time.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Truthful, Trust,
Dumb
adj.
In American
w.
and
353
illiterate.
large cor-
politics,
poration composed in greater part of thrifty
working
men,
widows
small
of
means,
orphans in the care of guardians and the courts,
with many similar malefactors and
public enemies.
Turkey,
n,
large bird
whose
when
flesh
eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
pretty
Incidentally,
good
eating.
Twice, adv. Type,
n.
Once
too often.
Pestilent bits of metal suspected of
destroying civilization
and enlightenment,
despite their obvious agency in this incom-
parable dictionary.
TzETZE, (or Tsetse) Fly, sect {Glossina morsitans)
monly regarded remedy
w.
An
whose
as nature's
African bite
most
for insomnia, though
interminabilis,)
com-
efficacious
some
patients
prefer that of the American novelist
dax
is
in-
{Men-
354
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Ubiquity, all
The
n.
gift or
power
of being in
places at one time, but not in all places
at all times,
tribute of only.
which
God and
is
omnipresence, an
at-
the luminiferous ether
This important distinction between
ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval
Church and
bloodshed about
it.
there
was much
Certain Lutherans,
who
affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's
body were known this error they
Christ's
body
is
as
Ubiquitarians.
For
were doubtless damned, for present only in the eucharist,
though that sacrament
may be performed
more than one place simultaneously.
in
In
always been
recent times ubiquity
understood
not even by Sir Boyle Roche,
for example,
who
in
two places
Ugliness,
women,
at
once unless he
gift of the
w.
man
held that
is
cannot be bird.
gods to certain
entailing virtue without humility.
Ultimatum,
n.
In diplomacy,
before resorting to concessions.
last
demand
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Having
an
received
from
ultimatum
Austria, the Turkish Ministry sider
355
met
to con-
it.
"O
servant
Sheik
of
of
the
Prophet,"
Imperial
the
said
the
to
the
Chibouk
Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, ''how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?"
"Upholder of the Faith," replied
after
examining
that dignitary
his
memoranda,
"they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!"
"And how many
impenetrable battleships
strike terror to the hearts of all
Imaum
Christian
of the
Ever
"Uncle of the Full Moon," was the
reply,
swine?" he asked the Victorious Navy.
"deign to
know
that they are as the
waves
of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars of
Heaven!"
For eight hours the broad brow
of the
Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he
was calculating the chances "Sons of angels," he shall suggest to the
Ear
said,
Ulema
that he advise inaction.
Allah, the council
is
of war.
Then, is
cast!
of the Imperial
In the name of
adjourned."
THE COLLECTED WORKS
356
Un-American,
Wicked,
adj.
intolerable,
heathenish.
Unction,
An
w.
The
oiling, or greasing.
rite
of extreme unction consists in touching with oil
consecrated by
the
body of one engaged
bishop several parts of in dying.
had been admin-
relates that after the rite
certain
istered to
man been
properly
the sick
damned
"My
man
that the oil
When
had not
and no
consecrated
could be obtained.
we
wicked English noble-
was discovered
it
Marbury
other
informed of
"Then
said in anger:
this
I'll
be
die!"
if
son," said the priest, "that
is
what
fear."
Understanding,
cerebral se secr cret etio io
n,
enables one having
it
to
know
horse by the roof on the house.
that th at
house from Its
nature
and laws have been exhaustively expounded
by Locke, who rode in
house, and Kant,
horse.
His understanding was
That
He
all
so keen
things which he'd
felt,
could interpret without
If he
He
who
was
wrote
fail
in or out of jail.
at Inspiration's call
heard, seen,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Deep
on them
disquisitions
Then, pent
all,
an asylum,
at last in
Performed the service
to compile 'em.
So great
men
writer, all
They never had
357
swore,
read before.
Jorrock JVormley.
Unitarian, of
One who
n.
denies the divinity
Trinitarian.
Universalist,
One who
n.
foregoes the ad-
Hell for persons of another
vantage of faith.
Urbanity,
n.
The kind
observers ascribe
but is
New
York.
of civility that urban
dwellers
to
in
all
cities
commonest expression
Its
heard in the words, "I beg your pardon,"
and
it
is
not inconsistent with disregard of
the rights of others.
The owner
Was
powder mill
of
musing on
Something
When
his
distant hill
mind foreboded
from the cloudless sky there
deviled
human
The man's His hat he
kidney!
Well,
mill had exploded.
lifted
from
"I beg your pardon, "I didn't
fell
know
his
sir,"
head;
he said;
'twas loaded."
Swatkin*
THE COLLECTED WORKS
358
Usage,
The
n.
First Person of the literary
Trinity, the Second and
Third being Cus-
Imbued with Holy Triad an
tom and Conventionality. decent reverence industrious
for this
writer
books that will live
UXORIOUSNESS,
may hope as
long as the fashion. perverted
n,
that has strayed to one's
Valor,
soldierly
n.
produce
to
own
affection
wife.
compound
of vanity,
duty and the gambler's hope.
"Why mander
have you halted?" roared the comof
division at
Chickamauga, who
charge; "move forward,
had ordered
sir,
at once."
"General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I
am
persuaded that
any further display of valor by will
bring
them
into
collision
my
troops
with
the
enemy."
Vanity,
n.
The
of the nearest
They
tribute of
fool to the
ass.
say that hens do cackle loudest
when
worth
OF AMBROSE BIERCE the eggs they've laid
There's nothing
And
359
there are hens, professing to have
study of mankind,
who
men
say that
Whose business 'tis to drive Make the most clamorous
made
the tongue or pen
fanfaronade
O'er their most worthless work
and I'm afraid
They're not entirely different from
Lo! the drum-major
in his coat of gold,
His blazing breeches and high-towering cap Imperiously pompous, grandly bold,
Grim,
Who'd
an awe-inspiring chap!
resolute,
think this gorgeous creature's only virtue
Is that in battle he will never hurt
you?
Hannibal Hunsiker.
iVlRTUES,
Certain abstentions.
n. pi.
Vituperation, dunces
and
impediment Vote,
n.
n. all
Satire,
such
The
alphabet,
suffer
from
an
instrument and symbol of
wreck of
(double
as
understood by
in their wit.
freeman's power to
and
as
U) the
make
fool of himself
his country.
has, of all the letters in
only
cumbrous
name,
our the
THE COLLECTED WORKS
360
names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the the Grecian
alphabet over
more valued
the
is
Roman
after audibly
some simple Greek word,
spelling out
Still, it is
eicixoptatiiptxeSc;.
like
now thought by
the learned that other agencies than the dif-
ference of the two alphabets
concerned in
of "the glory that
was Greece" and the was Rome."
that
may have been
rise of
"the grandeur
There can be no doubt,
however, that by simplifying the name of (calling ation
it
"wow,"
could be,
for example) our civiliz-
if
not promoted,
least
at
better endured.
Wall
Street,
symbol of
n.
That Wall
devil to rebuke.
of thieves
has
the great and
made
Street
den
is
belief that serves every unsuc-
is
cessful thief in place of
Even
sin for every
his
hope
in
Heaven.
good Andrew Carnegie
profession
of
faith
in
the
matter. Carnegie the
To
battle:
"The
has uttered his call brokers are parasites all!"
Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail
Keep
Go
the v^^ind of your slogan to belly your
back to your
isle
sail,
of perpetual brume,
Silence your pibroch, doff tartan
and plume:
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Ben Lomond Fly,
from the fray single baubee
you're possessed of
(I wish
were pledged
it
'Twere wise its
to retreat
to
endowment
of
me)
from the wars of finance
value decline ere your credit advance.
man
For
calling his son
from the region of Wall Street away!
fly
While
Lest
is
361
Carn Ca rneg egie ie
king of finance and the
'twixt
your tongue
Carn Ca rneg egie ie
is
sea,
too free
Anonymus Bink.
War, n. by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing political condition is period of international amity. The student of history who been taught to expect the unexpected may justly boast himself inaccessible to the light. of
peace prepare for war" has
meaning than
is
commonly
means, not merely that
have
end
an
that
all
soil of
peace
war and tion
is
thickly
time
deeper
discerned;
it
things earthly
change
immutable and eternal law
*'In
is
the
one
but that the
sown with
singularly suited to their germina-
and growth.
It
was when Kubla Khan
had decreed
his "stately pleasure
when, that
is
to say, there
feasting in
Xanadu
dome"
were peace and
that he heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war.
fat
THE COLLECTED WORKS
362
One
of the greatest of poets, Coleridge
was one
of the wisest of men, and
was not
it
for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us have
and
little
that to
is
of "hands across the sea,"
little less
more
of that elemental distrust
the security of nations.
come
War
loves
thief in the night; professions
like
of eternal amity provide the night.
Washingtonian,
who exchanged
Potomac tribesman
n,
the privilege of governing
himself for the advantage of good govern-
In justice
ment.
that he did not
They
The
want
said
it
to.
took away his vote and gave instead
right,
when he had
In vain
To
him
to
earned,
his bread.
for his "boss," poor soul,
come again and part him from
his roll.
Offenbach Stutz.
Weaknesses, of Tyrant
n.
pi.
Woman
Certain primal powers
wherewith she holds do-
minion over the male of her
him
to the service of
species,
binding
her will and paralyz-
ing his rebellious energies.
Weather,
n.
The
climate of an hour.
per-
manent topic of conversation among persons
OF AMBROSE BIERCE whom
who have
does not interest, but
it
363
inherited the tendency to chatter about
from
naked
arboreal
keenly concerned.
The
whom
ancestors
up of
setting
it
it
official
weather bureaus and their maintenance in
mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion
by the rude forefathers
jungle.
Once
And
dipt into the future far as
human
saw the Chief Forecaster, dead
eye could see,
as
any one can
beDead and damned and
shut in
Hades
as
liar
from
his birth,
With
record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth.
While
him
looked
that
escent youth,
From
the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth.
He
cast his eyes about
him and above him; then he
wrote
On
slab
of
thin
asbestos
what
venture
here
to
quote
For
read
it
in the rose-light of the everlasting
"Cloudy; variable winds, with
local
glow:
showers; cooler;
snow."
Halcyon Jones,
Wedding,
w.
ceremony
sons undertake to
at
become
which two
per-
one, one under-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
364
takes to
become nothing, and nothing under-
takes to
become supportable.
Werewolf,
wolf that was once, or
n.
man.
sometimes, of
form
werewolves
having
disposition,
evil
bestial
All
bestial appetite, but
to gratify
as
humane
consistent with an acquired taste for
is
human flesh. Some Bavarian
peasants having caught
wolf one evening, tied
and went
was
are
assumed
some, transformed by sorcery, are as
is
The
to bed.
it
local priest,
and had resumed
its
told
man
that
them
that
werewolf
you take
said, "see that
the leg, and in the
they con-
human form during
"The next time
the good
who
was undoubtedly
their captive
tail
next morning nothing
Greatly perplexed,
there!
night.
post by the
to
the
wolf,"
you chain
it
by
morning you will
Lutheran."
Whangdepootenawah, tongue,
disaster;
an
n.
In the Ojibwa
unexpected
affliction
that strikes hard. Should you ask
Whence With
its
this
me whence
this laughter,
audible big-smiling,
labial extension,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE With
And
its
maxillar distortion
rhythmus
its
Like the billowing of ocean,
Like the shaking of should answer,
should
From
the great deeps
From
the
tell
you:
spirit,
unplummeted abysmus
Of
the soul this laughter welleth
As
the fountain, the gug-guggle,
Like the river from the canon,
To
entoken and give warning
That my
present
Should you ask
Why Why Of
mood
me
is
sunny.
further question
the great deeps of the spirit, the
unplummeted abysmus
the soul extrudes this laughter,
This
audible big-smiling,
all
shou sh ould ld an answ swer er
should
tell
you
With
white heart, tumpitumpy,
With
true tongue,
honest Injun:
William Bryan, he has Caught
It,
Caught the Whangdepootenawah Is't
shankank.
the
Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep,
Standing
With
And
silent in the
his wing-tips crossed behind
his
With
his bill,
With
his
While
him
neck close-reefed before him. his william, buried
In the down upon
Does
kneedeep
his
bosom,
head retracted
inly,
his shoulders overlook it?
sand ndhi hill ll cr cran ane, e, the shankank, the sa
365
366
THE COLLECTED WORKS Shiver grayly in the north wind,
Wishing he had died when
As
little,
the sparrow, the chipchip, does?
No
'tis
not the Shankank standing.
Standing in the gray and dismal
Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep.
No,
'tis
peerless
Realizing that he's Caught
Caught
Wheat,
the
Whangdepootenawah
from which
cereal
w.
It,
good whisky can with some made, and which
French are said
is
tolerably
difficulty
used also for bread.
to eat
The
more bread per capita
of population than any other people, is
be
natural, for only they
know how
to
which
make
the stuff palatable.
White,
adj,
Widow,
n.
and
w.
Black.
pathetic figure that the Christ-
ian world has agreed to take humorously,
although Christ's tenderness towards wid-
one of the most marked features of his character.
Wine, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," Wine, madam, is sometimes as "rum." God's next best gift
to
man.
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Wit,
The
n.
salt
with which the American
humorist leaving
it
36T
intellectual cookery
by
out.
Witch, n. (i) An ugly and repulsive old wicked league with the devil. woman, in beautiful
(2)
woman,
and
young
attractive
beyond the
in wickedness
devil.
Witticism, usua us uall ll
quot qu oted ed
Philistine
Woman,
sharp and clever remark,
w.
is
pleased to call
An
n.
vicinity of
"joke."
animal usually living in the
Man, and having
susceptibility
credited by
with
and seldom noted; what the
rudimentary
domestication.
to
many
It
is
of the elder zoologists
certain vestigial docility acquired in
former
state of
seclusion, but naturalists
of the postsusananthony period, having no
knowledge of the
seclusion,
and declare that such beheld,
it
roareth now.
as
deny the virtue creation's
The
most widely distributed of
species
all beasts
dawn is
the
of prey,
infesting all habitable parts of the globe,
from Greenland's spicy moral strand.
to India's
The popular name
(wolf-
THE COLLECTED WORKS
368
man)
is
incorrect, for the creature
The woman
cat kind. in
is
lithe
of the
and graceful
movements, especially the American
its
variety {Felis pugnans),
can be taught not to
talk.
WORMS'-MEAT, n. The which we are the raw of
tents
meat
is
omnivorous and
is
Balthasar Pober.
finished product of
the
The conTombeau
the Grantarium.
Worms'-
Taj
the
Napoleon and
material.
Mahal,
usually outlasted by the structure
that houses
it,
Probably the
but "this too must pass away." silliest
being can engage for himself.
work
in
foreknown
tomb
The solemn purpose cannot
so
mad
to be
profitless the labor
Upon
human
by contrast the
futility.
Ambitious fool
How
which
construction of
is
dignify, but only accentuates
The
is
show
you bestow
dwelling whose magnificence
tenant neither can admire nor know.
Build deep, build high, build massive as you can,
The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan By shouldering asunder all the stones In what to you would be
Time
to the dead so all
moment's span.
unreckoned
That wh^n your marble
flies
all is dust, arise,
OF AMBROSE BIERCE If
369
wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn
You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes.
What
though of
Should stand
Would
all
man's works your tomb alone
Time
till
himself be overthrown?
advantage you to dwell therein
it
Forever as
stain
upon
stone?
Joel Huck,
Worship, the
Homo
n.
sound construction and
Deus Creatus. tion,
Creator's testimony to of
popular form of abjec-
having an element of pride.
Wrath,
Anger
n.
degree,
of
appropriate
superior quality and exalted
to
and momentous occasions
as,
the ancients the wrath of sacred, for
it
command
agency of some god for
its fit
could also that of
priest.
Troy were they jumped out
so harried
of Achilles, though
manifestation,
The Greeks
by Apollo that
fire of
immunity was
when he incurred
the wrath
Agamemnon,
was neither fried nor
similar noted
the
of the frying-pan of the
wrath of Chryses into the offender,
"the wrath of
etc.
could usually
before
characters
Amongst kings was deemed
God," "the day of wrath,"
as
finish
fine
the sole
roasted.
that of
the wrath of
David
Yahveh by
THE COLLECTED WORKS
370
numbering
whom is
his people, seventy
thousand of
paid the penalty with their
now Love, and
lives.
God
director of the census
performs his work without apprehension of disaster.
in
our alphabet being
needless letter has
an added invincibility to the attacks of the
and
reformers,
spelling
like
them,
will
doubtless last as long as the language.
is
the sacred symbol of ten dollars, and in such
words not,
as
as
Xmas, Xn,
is
cross,
cross
"testified"
the
algebra
of
Woman's mind. are Grecian
Greek alphabet
name ^Xpi(JT<5<;. it would stand for
who
it
but because the corre-
letter in the
initial of his
sented
stands for Christ,
popularly supposed, because
represents
sponding
etc.,
upon one of
If St.
it
is
the
repre-
Andrew,
that shape.
In
psychology
Words beginning with
and will not be defined
in this
standard English dictionary.
Yankee,
w.
In Europe, an American. In the
OF AMBROSE BIERCE Northern
Eng-
In the Southern States the word
lander.
unknown.
Year,
New
Union,
States of
371
(See
Damyank.)
period of three hundred
n.
is
and
sixty-five disappointments.
Yesterday,
n.
The
infancy of youth,
the
youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday
To
me
should have thought
blest
stand high-pinnacled upon the peak
Of middle life and look adown the bleak And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak
The haunted Yea, yesterday
To
stay the
Dark
my
soul
was
At manhood's noonmark chide aloud the
little
aflame
all
shadow on the
of Rest.
dial's face
Now,
in
God His name
interspace
me from Certitude, and Would know the dream and vision Disparting
fain ne'er again.
Baruch Arnegriff.
It
is
last illness the
poet
Arnegriff was attended at different times by seven doctors.
872
THE COLLECTED WORKS
Yoke,
An
n.
implement, madam,
Latin name, jugum,
we owe one
illuminating words in ou
to
whose
of the most
word
lang la ngua uage ge
that defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point
and poignancy.
apologies for withholding
Youth,
The Period
w.
Archimedes
finds
honor of endowing
cities
at
heard
Homer.
thistles,
when
again,
and, wearing silken
every door,
to snore,
is
bristles,
fly over,
are
live
delivering
and Justice never
and every
ghost and, howling,
figs
and pigs betailed with
ever in clover, and cows
milk
when
compete for the
living
Golden Age on earth whistles
of Possibility,
the true Saturnian Reign, the
is
grown on
it.
fulcrum, Cassandra has
following and seven
Youth
thousand
assassin
is
is
made
cast into BaltimostI Polydore Smith.
Zany,
popular character in old Italian
n.
plays,
who
petence
imitated with ludicrous incom-
the
buffone^
or
clown,
and was
therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown
OF AMBROSE BIERCE
873
himself imitated the serious characters of
The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we the play.
see an
example of creation
in the humorist,
of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the
modern zany
the rector,
who
the archbishop,
Zanzibari,
n.
is
the curate,
apes the bishop,
who
An
who who
apes
apes
apes the devil.
inhabitant of the Sultanate
of Zanizbar, off the eastern coast of Africa.
The Zanzibaris, warlike people, are best known in this country through threatenfew
ing diplomatic incident that occurred years ago.
The American
capital occupied sea,
with
consul
at
dwelling that faced the
sandy beach between.
Greatly
to the scandal of this official's family,
against repeated ficial
and
remonstrances of the of-
himself, the people of the city per-
sisted in using the
day
the
beach for bathing. One
woman came down
water and was stooping (a pair of sandals)
to
to the
remove her
when
censed beyond restraint,
edge of the attire
the consul,
fired
in-
charge of
bird-shot into the most conspicuo\is part of
her person.
Unfortunately for the
exist-
374 ing
THE COLLECTED WORKS entente
cordiale
the
great
was the Sultana.
nations, she
Zeal,
two
between
certain nervous disorder afflicting
n,
young
and
inexperienced.
that goeth before
passion
sprawl.
When Zeal so soug ught ht Gr Grat atit itud ud fbr his reward He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" "What do you want ?" the Lord asked, bending down. "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown.'*
Jum
Zenith,
point in the heavens directly-
n,
overhead
standing
to
man
cabbage.
pot
is
in
man
bed or
growing
or
cabbage in the
not considered as having
though from
was once learned,
the
Coople.
this
view of the matter there
considerable dissent
some holding
body
was
zenith,
among
the
that the posture of
These
immaterial.
were
called called Ho Hori rizo zont ntal alist ists, s, their opponents, Verticalists.
The
Horizontalist
finally extinguished
heresy
by Xanobus, the philo-
sopher-king of Abara,
zealous Verticalist.
Entering an assembly of philosophers
were debating
human head
was
he cast
at the feet of his
who
severed
opponents and
OF AMBROSE BIERCE asked them to determine ing that
its
it
was the head of
ad r, the Horizontalists hastened to
ei
themselves
profess
opinion
among
converted to whatever
Crown might be
the
and
hold,
Horizontalism
fides
pleased
took
its
to
place
de fundi.
The chief of Grecian gods, adored Romans as Jupiter and by the mod-
n.
by the ern
zenith, explain-
body was hanging by the heels
Observing that
outside.
Zeus,
its
375
Americans
Some
Dog.
as
God, Gold,
Mob
and
who have touched America, and one who
explorers
upon
of
professes to have penetrated
considerable
distance into the interior, have thought that
deities,
many distinct monumental work on SurFrumpp insists that the
names stand for
these four
but
viving
Faiths,
natives
are
monotheists,
other god than himself,
as
each
whom
having no he worships
under many sacred names.
Zigzag,
from
v.
t.
To move
forward uncertainly,
side to side, as one carrying the white
(From zed, z, and jag, an word of unknown meaning.)
man's burden. Icelandic
THE COLLECTED WORKS He
zedjagged zed jagged so uncomen wyde
Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;
com
So, to
saufly thruh,
been
Constreynet for to doodge betwene.
Munwele.
Zoology,
The
n.
science and
animal kingdom,
including
king,
its
the
House Fly {Musca male dicta.)
The
of Zoology was. Aristotle, as
universally
conc co nced eded ed
bu
the
name
Two
come down
to us.
illustrious
expounders
of
its
is
mother has not
of the science's most
were
Bufifon
Oliver Goldsmith, from both of learn {UHistoire generale des
cow
sheds
its
and
whom we
animaux and
History of Animated Nature) domestic
father
that the
horns every two years.
in
