30Days Taming Your Tongue by Deborah Smith Pegues

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue 5/30/07 1:04 PM Page 1

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: New International Version ®. NIV ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Other Scripture quotations are taken from: New American Standard Bible ®. Updated edition. NASB ®. Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Holy Bible: New Living Translation ®. NLT®. Copyright © 1996 by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Holy Bible: New King James Version . NKJV . Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Holy Bible: King James Version . KJV . The Message: Psalms . MSG. Copyright © 1994 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.

30 Days to Taming Your Tongue: What You Say (and Don’t Say) Will Improve Your Relationships Copyright © 2005 by Deborah Smith Pegues Originally published in the U.S.A. under the title 30 Days to Taming Your Tongue Copyright © 2005 by Deborah Smith Pegues Published by Harvest House Publishers Publishers Eugene, Oregon 97402 www.harvesthousepublishers.com Cover design by Nixon Na Published (2008) in the Philippines by OMF Literature Inc. 776 Boni Avenue Avenue Mandaluyong City, Metro Manila www.OMFLit.com This edition issued by special arrangement with


Contents Prol Prolog ogue ue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

7

1. The The Lyi Lying ng Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

11

2. The The Flat Flatte terin ringg Ton ongu guee

.................

17

3. The The Man Manip ipul ulat atin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

21

4. The The Has Hasty ty Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

25

5. The The Div Divis isiv ivee Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

29

6. The The Arg Argum umen enta tati tivve Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

32

7. The The Boa Boast stin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

36

8. The The Sel Selff-De Depr prec ecat atin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . .

39

9. The The Sla Sland nder erin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

42

10. 10. The The Gos Gossi sipi ping ng Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

46

11. 11. The The Meddl eddlin ingg Ton ongu guee

.................

50

12 12.. The The Bet Betra rayi ying ng Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

55

13. 13. The The Bel Belit ittl tlin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

58

14. 14. The The Cyn Cynic ical al Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

61

15 15.. The The Kno Knoww-It It-A -All ll Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

64

16 16.. The The Har Harsh sh Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

67

17. 17. The The Tac Tactl tles esss Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

70

18. 18. The The Int Intim imid idat atin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

75

19. 19. The The Rud Rudee Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

80


20.. Th 20 Thee Jud Judgm gmen enta tall Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

85

21.. Th 21 Thee Sel Selff-A Abs bsor orbe bed d Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

89

22.. Th 22 Thee Cur Cursi sing ng Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

93

23.. Th 23 Thee Com Compl plai aini ning ng Ton ongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

97

24.. Th 24 Thee Ret Retal alia iati ting ng Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 1011 25. The Ac Accu cusin singg Tong Tongue ue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 26.. Th 26 Thee Disc Discou ourag ragin ingg Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 1099 27.. Th 27 Thee Doub Doubti ting ng Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 1144 28.. Th 28 Thee Loq Loqua uaci ciou ouss Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11 1188 29. The Ind Indisc iscree reett Tong Tongue ue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121 30.. Th 30 Thee Sil Silen entt Ton Tongu guee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 12 1244 Epilog Epi logue ue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 Appendix A: Daily Tongue Tongue Evaluation Evaluation Check Ch ecklis listt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133 Appendix B: Appendix B: Alte Alternati rnative ve Uses Uses of the Tongu onguee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 137 Appendix C: Appendix C: Arsen Arsenal al of Tongu onguee Scri Sc ript ptur ures es . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13 1399


Acknowledgments It wa wass th thro roug ugh h an in inci cide dent nt wi with th my fr frie iend nd Jud udge ge Mab able lean an Ep Ephr hria iam m of Di Divo vorrce Cour urtt TV and her matu ma ture re ha hand ndli ling ng of on onee of my “mo mout uth h me mess ss-u -ups ps”” that th at I de deci cide ded d to en ente terr an ex exte tend nded ed pe peri riod od of ve verba rball abstin abs tinenc ence, e, or wha whatt I cal called led a “t “tong ongue ue fas fast. t.” Yvo vonne nne Gibso Gi bson n Jo Johns hnson, on, dir direct ector or of pra praye yerr at West Ang Angele eless Church Chu rch in Los LosAng Angele eles, s, Cal Califo iforni rnia, a, ins insist isted ed tha thatt God want wa nted ed me to sh shar aree wi with th ot othe hers rs in th thee fo form rm of a bo book ok thee le th less sson onss I le lear arne ned d du duri ring ng th this is pe peri riod od.. I also want to thank the following friends for their feedback and support: P. Bunny Wil Wilson, son, Terri McFadd Mc Faddin, in, Mo Mozetta zetta Hil Hillard lard,, Mich Michelle elle Mc McKin Kinney ney Hammond, Ham mond, Trina Jen Jenkins kins,, Dr Dr.. Ju Judith dith Mc McAlli Allister ster,, Delisa Kel Kelley ley,, Marilyn Beaubien, Nichole Palmer Palmer,, Harold Haro ld and Ruth Kelley Kelley,, Gina Smith, and Charletta Benjamin. My husband, Darnell Pegues, graciously sacrificed our time together to give me space to write. Thank you, you, sweetheart. There is no no one like like you in all the earth.



Prologue

Teachers often teach teac h that which whi ch they need to learn themselves. themselv es. I am no different. different. I am writing this this book first and foremost for myself. I desire a wholesome tongue, tong ue, one that always always speaks what is pleasing pleasing to God. I have have learned learned what what James, James, the brother brother of of Jes Jesus, us, meant when he said, “No man can tame the tongue” tongue” ( :). Nei Neither ther New Year’ Year’ss resolutions resolutions nor counting to ten nor other self-efforts will prevail in conquering conqu ering this unruly member member. To “tame” “tame” means to bring bring from from a state of unruli unruliness ness to to a state of submission. A person would have to live in total isolation to begin to accomplish such a feat with his tongue. tong ue. Ev Even en then, then, his self-talk self-talk would would probabl probablyy be negative in some some way and therefore therefore rob him of total victory. The only hope for the tongue tongue is the Spirit of God. The tongue must be bridled and brought into sub jection jectio n by Him on a daily basis. How do we begin begin the process? process? One of my spiritual spiritual mentors mentors gave me a very simple tip for dealing with the negative 




      

propensiti propen sities es of the natural natural man, man, or the “fl “flesh esh..” He said,“What said, “Whatever ever the flesh tells tells you to do, do, do the opposite.” Well, that’ that’ss a good place place to start. As you you skimmed the the list of the negative negative uses uses of the tongue in the table table of contents, you may may not have readily read ily admitted admitted that that you are guilty guilty of man manyy of them. However,, as you read this book with a desire to grow However and to “own “own”” behavior you may have been denying, you will experience the freedom that only comes with embracingg the truth. “Y embracin “Yee shall know know the truth, and the truth shall make you you free”( free” ( : ). In this this book I will challenge you to join me on a 30-day quest to become sensitive to the negative uses of the tongue and to “fast” or abstain from these verbal violationss of godl lation godlyy principles principles.. Fasting, Fastin g, normall normallyy abstinence abstinence from food, food, is a spiritual discipline that few of God’ God’ss people practice on a regular basis. After several incidents incidents in which I realized I showed little or or no verbal wisdom, I concluded that a strong resolve sustained by willpower alone was not going going to bring me the victory victory.. I vowed vowed to set aside aside a time of of tongu tonguee fasting. fasting. Now ow,, I wa want nt to ca caut utio ion n th that at th this is bo book ok is no nott ab abou outt turn tu rnin ingg you in into to a Pas assi sive ve Pats atsyy or a Ti Timi mid d Tom wh who o avoid av oidss exp express ressing ing pers persona onall boun boundarie daries, s,desi desires res,, or displeasure wi witth a situ tuaati tio on. I ha havve learn rneed th that at most


Prologue

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interperso interpe rsonal nal pro proble blems ms will not be res resol olved ved witho without ut being bei ng co confr nfront onted. ed.Ho Howev wever er,, the there re is a time time anda anda way to say every rytthing. We can rejoice knowi win ng we are alre al read adyy em empo powe were red d to use ou ourr to tong ngue uess wis wisel elyy. OD hath given me the tongue of The Lord G OD the learned, that I should know know how to speak a word in season (   : ).

Words are the vehicle through which we communicatee our thoughts; municat thoughts; the tongue tongue is the driver. As such, it takes us to our our destiny destiny. Movi Moving ng in spiritual spiritual maturity requires that we learn to speak the right words in the right season and for the right reason. As the Holy Spirit sensitizes us to the negative uses of our tongue, tongue, we will begin begin to resist resist the temptemptation to drive drive down down the the wrong wrong verbal verbal path. path. If you find you are are constantly constantly at war with your tongue, tongue, I invite you to stop your your harmful expressions. I guarantee you you that at the end of of this fast, you will will become become spiritually empowered as you transform your tongue tong ue into a wellsp wellspring ring of life.



Day 1 The Lying Tongue ORD detests lying lips, The L ORD but he delights in men who are truthful.

 :

Everyth erythin ingg we do an and d say say must must be ba base sed d upon upon the the truth; truth; lies lies make make a shaky shaky foun founda datio tion n for for an anyy rela relatio tionnship ship. Lying ying come comess in four four primary primary forms forms:: dece deceitf itful ul-ness, ness, half-tr half-truths uths,, exaggera exaggeration tions, s, and flattery flattery.. We will look look at flat flatte tery ry in a sepa separa rate te chap chapte terr. Deceitfulness When I opened my mailbox and saw the letter from the Internal Internal Revenue Revenue Service, my heart did not skip a beat as it had in the past. I used to dread dread those audits of my tax returns! returns! Having been been a faithful tither since the age age of eighteen, eighteen, I had learned learned over over the years to keep a good record record of my charitable charitable giving because it usually generate generated d an audit. Howeve Howeverr, I tended tended to be rather creative in interpreting the tax law in other 




      

aspects of the return. return. As I stood stood there fingeri fingering ng the enve en velop lope, e, I knew knew that that,, what whatev ever er the nat nature ure of the inquiry,, all would inquiry would be well, well, for I had support support for all all of the deductions deductions taken. taken. I couldn’t couldn’t help remembering remembering a particular audit several years back in which I feigned feigne d ignorance ignorance of the tax law to justify justify my claim of a nondeducti nondeductible ble education educational al expense. expense. Whil Whilee sitting before the auditor and trying to appear innocent, I kept kept thinkin thinking, g, God’s going to strike me dead Sunday ay school teache teachers rs for lying! All lying! All of my life, my Sund had taught me that God had no tolerance for liars. Nevertheless, I had succumbed to the temptation of a larger larger tax refun refund. d. So there there I sat, engagi engaging ng in the most blatant form of of lying—plain old old deceitfulness. deceitfulness. I decided then that life was too short to bear the anxiety and the remorse remorse of being deceitful deceitful for a few few extra dollars. Pete Peterr warns us,“Whoev us, “Whoever er would love love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful deceitful speech” speech” (  :). Why do some people practice deception? Many do it for financial financial gain, gain, for social advantag advantage, e, to hide immoral acts, acts, or to obtain obtain other “benefi “benefits. ts.”” Jaco Jacob, b, whose name meant “trickster, “trickster,”” conspired with his mother and deceived his father into giving him the birthright blessing that belonged to his brother Esau ( ). When Esau discovered the deception,


Day 1—The Lying Tongue





he threatened to kill him. Jacob was forced to leave leave town and to live live with his Uncle Uncle Laban. Laban. No Notwithtwithstanding, standin g, he had to reap reap the seeds of deceit that he had sown. Laban tricked tricked Jacob Jacob into into marrying his daughter Leah, Leah, whom Jacob Jacob did not not love. love. Laban further deceive deceived d Jacob Jacob by changing changing the terms terms of his employment emplo yment agreem agreement ent numer numerous ous times. Jaco Jacob b was forced to to work 14 years to to marry Rachel, whom he did love love.. Ev Eventual entually ly,, because he abandoned abandoned his deceitful ways and became a tither, God blessed Jacob Jacob beyond his wildest imagination. He returned returned home after many years years with a beautiful family, family, much abundance, danc e, and a new new name: name: Isr Israel ael.. Engaging in deceitfulness is a slap in God’s face and has dire consequences. When we make a choice not to trust Him to handle a situation, we, in essence, essence, decide He is a liar and will renege on His promise to meet every need. We then proceed to make our own way by any means necessary—even being deceptive. In doing so we forfeit the good life God had planned for us. Half-Truths Joan Smith Smith took the the day off on Monday Monday.. She re-

turned to work on Tuesday and explained to her boss that she had been absent because her elderly mother




      

had been been hospitalize hospitalized. d. The truth of of the matter matter is that Joan had only spent two hours at the hospital and six hours shopping! Joan’s Joan’s objective was to have her boss believe that she had spent the entire day at her mother’ss bedside. She told a half-truth. mother’ I was once the queen queen of half-truths and had conconvinced myself myself I was still walking walking in integrity. integrity. One of my favorite half-truths was blaming lost keys for my being late to an appointment. I seemed to always always misplace my keys; keys; howev however er,, I could usually usually locate them within a few minutes in one of several places I knew to look. The real reason reason for my tardiness tardiness was usually poor time management. management. When I would offer offer my excuse, excu se, I rationalized rationalized that the the portion portion of my statementt that I verb men verbaliz alized ed was was true; true; I had indee indeed d searched for the keys. keys. But I ignored the fact that the undisclosed undiscl osed informatio information, n, like the the extra minutes minutes I spent in the bed or my decision to complete an insignificant insigni ficant task, would have have caused the hearer hearer to draw a different conclusion conclusion about me. My husband finally impressed upon me the painful reality that any intent any intent to deceive is a lie—period. I find it interesting that the word “integrity” derives deri ves fro from m “int “integer eger,,” whic which h is a mathe mathematic matical al ter term. m. An integer is a wh who ole number as opposed to a fra racction.Whe tio n.When n we wal walk k in in inte tegri grity ty,, we te tell ll the thewho whole le tru truth th


Day 1—The Lying Tongue



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and no and nott ju just st a fra fract ctio ion n or pa part rt of it it.. So Some meon onee wa wass we well ll awa ware re of th thee ma man ny wa ways ys th theere ar aree to li liee wh wheen he su sugggested tha hatt court oat aths hs char argge a person to tell “th thee trut tr uth, h, th thee wh whol olee tr trut uth, h, an and d no noth thin ingg bu butt th thee tr trut uth. h.” Exaggerating Do you often embellish a story in order to get

more attention from your listener? Exaggerating may seem seem harmless, harmless, but it is another another form of lyin lying. g. The danger in exaggerating is that those who are familiar with a person’s propensity to stretch the truth will discount discount everything he says. says. This is also the paradoxx of exag ado exaggerat gerating; ing; a person person stretch stretches es the truth truth to make something sound sound more believable, believable, but then he loses loses his credibili credibility ty because he exaggerates. exaggerates. I know several several truth-stretchers. Their favorite favorite words include absolute terms like “everybody, “everybody,” “nobody “nobody,,” and “alway “always. s.”” Their friends jokingly warn, “Now “Now,, you know you you should should only believe believe about about half of anyth anything ing she says.” What a terrible indictment. Is this how you you would like to be viewed? When you you relate a story or an incident, know that it is okay to tell tell it with enthusiasm; enthusiasm; just avoid avoid the exaggerations. exagge rations. Stick to the facts facts at face value value and resist the urge urge to be be the cente centerr of attent attention ion by by engaging engagi ng in this form form of lying.




      

God has sealed the destiny of every liar: “All liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with w ith fire and brimston brimstone, e, which is the second second death death”” (means separatio separation. n. The first first   : ). Death means death is the separation separation of the spirit from from the body; body; the second second death is eternal eternal separation separation of the spirit from God. Eternal separation from my my Father is too high a price to pay for any any form of deceitfulne deceitfulness. ss. The psalmist psalmist knew the consequen consequences ces of deceitdeceitfulness and constantly implored God to keep him out of this this pit. pit. Cons Consid ider er his his ple plea. a. “Deli “Delive verr my sou soul, l, O LORD, from lying lying lips, lips, and from from a deceitful deceitful tongue” tongue” ( : ). Have Have you been trusting trusting God by telling the truth and leaving the consequences to Him, or do you need to join the psalmist in his prayer prayer for deliverance?

’ : :

“My “My mo mout uth h spea speaks ks what what is true true,, for for my lips lips dete detest st wicke wickedn dness ess.. All All the wo word rdss of my mouth are just; none of them is crooke crooked d or perverse perverse”” (   :-).

30Days Taming Your Tongue by Deborah Smith Pegues

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