Transcript of Sleight of Mouth Demo (1)

Transcript of Sleight of Mouth Demo with Jill

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By Jamie Smart Transcribed by Bridget Mckenna

Conversational Belief Change Transcript of Sleight of Mouth Demo with Jill By Jamie Smart

Jamie: Yeah, Sleight of Mouth is a fantastic thing – really exciting in my opinion – a set of linguistic tools. And it was first modelled by Richard Bandler; he’d been developing it, and Chris Hall had been with him while he was doing that, and Robert Dilts saw him demoing it realtime during a practice group, and Dilts got out his pen and paper and went “What’s he doing? I haven’t seen this before!” And basically what Bandler was doing was verbal reframing, but a bunch of diff erent patterns of reframing – something he hadn’t seen before. And this came to be known as Sleight of Mouth. Dilts modelled that out and then enhanced it with some other patterns, and it’s very, very powerful as a tool for conversational belief change. Now it takes a while to teach and to learn it, and we don’t have time to do that, but we have time to do a demo of it. So I’ll talk you through it as I’m doing it to the best of my ability. But if there’s something that you’ve been perceiving as limiting you until now – some kind of “I can’t” – you might want to play along with this. I don’t know what it is but I guess we’ve all to some extent or another got some kind of “I can’t” – “I can’t this” or “I can’t that” – and the thing about an “I can’t” is that it brings certain things into connection. So if someone’s saying “I can’t do x” or “I can’t do y”, there are a whole bunch of things that are implied by that, like that there’s some goal they want t o achieve that’s bigger and beyond the thing that they’re saying they can’t do. So I’m just going to kinda play around with that. Jill, will you come and join us at the front? Ah... welcome. So Jill you said that there was some kind of limitation. So would you tell us what that is? Jill: Yeah, it’s interesting because when I worked with Annika earlier on it was actually around that kind of subject area, s o I was thinking “Well, does that mean that I can’t work on this right now ?” And it was around the belief that I can have a really successful business – not just a successful business but a really successful business. As well as being a mother, and a good mother, okay? And we worked on that very effectively. What I’ve thought of since is that I can have – I – I’m doubting whether I’ve got the ability to do it on my own. So that’s the bit... Jamie: You’re doubting whether you’ve got the ability to do “it” on your own. Jill: Yes, I might – I have the belief that I can have a successful business now and be a good mother, however if I reflect on my patterning ’til now, its... I’ve always been looking for other people who are effective at what they do, to partner up with them. So I want to have the confidence – complete confidence in my own ability to make this business a success on my own. Jamie: Okay. Sounds fine to me. So what’s the “I can’t”? Jill: The “I can’t” is “I can’t do it on my own”. ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jamie: Ah. Okay. So I’m gonna make notes of this if that’s okay. ( writes on pad : “I can’t do it on my own”). Jamie: And did you manage to learn that belief all by yourself? Jill: Mm-hmm. (laughs) Yeah! Mm-hmm. I might have had a bit of influence... Jamie: Oh sure, we’ve all got influences! So... “I can’t do it on my own”. Why is it like that, would you say? Jill: Uh… because I doubt my ability. Jamie: (writes on pad: “Because I doubt my ability”. And what you hear is as soon as I ask the “why” question: “Why is it like that?”, we get a “because” kind of answer; we get a story about it. This is,”I can’t do it on my own because I doubt my ability”. It’s sort of an “A causes B”. Doubting my ability causes me not to be able to do it on my own. And the other question I’m always interested in with the sort of thing is, as you sit here now… so I hear you say “I can’t do it on my own because I doubt my ability” – how do you know that’s true, as you sit here now? Jill: Um, how do I know that it’s true that I doubt my ability? Is that what you’re asking me? Jamie: Yeah. And that you can’t do it on your own. Jill: And that I can’t do it on my own. Um... because it’s my perception that it’s… it’s… it’s true. Jamie: Because it’s your perception. That’s a bit of a funny answer, isn’t it? (laughter ). But nice work. (to audience) So what did you see when I asked, “How do you know this is true?” Tony: She was looking up to the left. Jamie: Eventually. First of all Jill went straight over to the left. Wsht! Straight over to the left, then did some ahead and up to the right, and went “Ummm...” and went “How do I know it’s true?” So head cocked over to the left, ear up. “How do I know it’s true?” She repeated the question. So maybe... some hearing and internal... some kind of sound in the left ear? Maybe some kind of talking to self, repeating the question? ’Cos people will give you the answer. “Because it’s my perception.” That’s as bad as me: “Because that’s the way the mind works!” (laughter ) So, okay, because it’s your perception. How d o you know it’s your perception? Jill: Because I’ve got lots of evidence, haven’t I?

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Jamie: Ah! because I’ve got lots of evidence. As you sit here right now, how do you know you’ve got lots of evidence? Jill: Because I can recall it, you know. I can just track back through all my memories and think yeah, yeah, I didn’t do that on my own, I didn’t do that on my own… Jamie: Okay, so we’ve got a bunch of “Because I can recall it” – auditory – “I’ve got a bunch of memories I can track back through”, and then Jill tells us the story: “I didn’t do that on my own, I didn’t do that on my own, I didn’t do that on my own, I didn’t do that on my own…” So we’ve got (writes on pad ) “Lots of evidence... I can recall it”. So, “I can’t do it on my own because I doubt my ability”. Do you doubt your ability to believe this... on your own... as you sit here? Jill: (laughs) No. Jamie: No. I’m Just checking. Okay. So in that you can feel confident... (Uh-huh…) that you can keep believing this for as long as you like. Okay. And... I guess I’m also wondering... But… how would you know if this were not true? Jill: because I would also have... I’d have evidence to suggest that it wasn’t true. Jamie: Evidence to suggest ? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Well, I get that if it wasn’t true for a period of time and you had a whole bunch of reference experiences, sure. Jill: M-hm. Jamie: So do you mean to tell me you’ve never done anything on your own? Jill: No. (laughs) Jamie: Nothing? Jill: Well, I have, yes. I go to the toilet on my own. (laughs) Jamie: No! You?! Aren’t you afraid of getting lost?... Successfully? Jill: Yeah! (laughs) Jamie: Okay. Have you ever doubted your ability to do that. Jill: No. ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jamie: Oh, okay. Just checking. So, okay. So I get that... so are there a bunch of things you’ve done on your own? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Okay, so how does this relate to those things? All those things you’ve done on your own. Jill: Well, perhaps they’re outweighed by the evidence that I’ve got where I haven’t done it on my own. Perhaps as a... Jamie: As one of those – perhaps? Okay well maybe, or maybe… see what you said was that you tracked back for the evidence of having not done it. What happens when you track back for all the evidence of the things you’ve done on your own? What happens when you do that? I’m not saying this is going to change anything, just... And the interesting thing is of course with a belief like this, of course this isn’t the sort of belief that Jill could change on her own, is it? She would need to partner up with someone to do this. (laughter ) Yeah, of course. Of course. And the strange thing is, yeah, I get that. So if you were to change this belief on your own, what would that mean? Jill: That I can do things on my own. (laughs) Jamie: But you learned this belief on your own, didn’t you? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Well, what does that mean? Jill: That I did that on my own. Jamie: So if you changed it on your own it would mean that you can do things on your own... (U-huh.) but the fact that you learned this on your own doesn’t mean that. How come? Jill: No, no, um... but that’s just... you know... that’s just a belief . we’re not talking about just a belief here; we’re talking about... Jamie: Real stuff. Jill: Yeah, real stuff! (laughter) Jamie: Oh, okay, so what I’m hearing is that even if the belief changed, it still wouldn’t mean that you can do stuff on your own, would it? Jill: No. Jamie: No. No?! ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jill: Oh, yes! (laughter) Jamie: ’Cos it’s just a belief. Jill: It’s just a belief. Jamie: Are you telling me it’s just a belief ? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: You mean it’s not real ? Jill: It is real to me. Jamie: Well, if it’s real, then it’s an accomplishment, isn’t it? Jill: M-Hm Jamie: ’Cos the difference between stuff that’s real and stuff that’s not real is that the real stuff matters and the stuff that’s not real doesn’t. Right? Jill: M-Hm. Jamie: So if this is real, and you’ve done it on your own, how come it didn’t count until now? Jill: Because... it’s never been pointed out to me. I guess. Jamie: Okay, but now that it has been, what do you notice? Jill: That it’s just a weenie bit of evidence to suggest... (laughter ) Jamie: A weenie bit of evidence.... Yeah. Jill: ...to suggest... Jamie:...but a tiny, weenie bit of evidence like that is clearly outweighed by the... what? Jill: By the tons of evidence... Jamie: Tons. Jill:...that I’ve got... that I’ve done things with other people. Jamie: You’ve done things with other people. When you’ve done things with other people, what aspect of that have you done on your own? And what aspect of that has been... you know... co-operative, you could say. Jill: Do you want me to go through each one or... ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jamie: No, I’d probably shoot myself. On my own. ( laughter ) Just if you were to make a guess. What percentage of the stuff that you’ve done with someone else has actually been done on your own? (long pause) Jill: Uh... probably about fifty? Fifty per cent? So... the stuff that I’ve done with other people I’m saying that t he actual stuff that we’ve been doing, there’s been a fifty-fifty split between us. Jamie: Oh, okay. So that fifty per cent you’ve done on your own. Jill: Uh-huh. Jamie: Okay. Has that come to anything, though? Probably not, I guess. Jill: Oh yeah. M-hm. Jamie: You’re telling me it’s been successful? Jill: Yes. Jamie: The fifty percent you did on your own? With someone else? Jill: Yeah. Yeah-yeah-yeah. Jamie: So let me check: I know that you would know if was not true if you had a bunch of evidence that you were willing to accept... into... into evidence, so to speak... (M-hm.) that you’d done stuff by yourself as well. Something with maybe even more profound impact for the world than going to the toilet by yourself. Jill: M-hm. Jamie: How would you know – even before you had the physical evidence to support it – that this belief has already changed? Jill: Uh... I would see myself differently. Jamie: Ah! How would you see yourself? Jill: Um... as a strong, confident career... lady… businesswoman. Jamie: A strong confident career-lady-business-woman. Jill: M-hm. Jamie: And what happens when you see yourself now as a strong confident career-lady-business-woman? ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jill: Well, it’s a pretty good picture... Jamie: Uh-huh? But not true, right? Jill: Well how could it be? Jamie: How could it be? Exactly. But I’m just curious. When you look at that picture... (M-hm?) what are some of the t hings you already notice about that? About that her there? ...because here’s the other question I have: as you look at that picture, what do you imagine that that Jill there looks back on your career to date as being her solitary achievements, both by herself and in connection with others? (M-hm.) Her particular strengths. What are some of those things you reckon she is perceiving as things that she’s done of her own volition and on her own merits? Jill: Well, she’s been very proactive, she’s um… made lots of connections, networked, found sources of business; she’s presented at conferences, uh… she’s built up the business that s he’s got to date... Jamie: Hm. But is there anything important ? Jill: Not really. (laughs) Jamie: Well, it’s interesting, because as I sit here thinking about this, I know there’s something you want to accomplish; there’s something important – that this thing about “I can’t do it on my own” – t hat’s been standing in the way of something that’s actually much bigger and more important in terms of what you’re inspired and motivated by. Jill: M-hm Jamie: Is that true or false? Jill: Yeah. Jamie: Yeah. Well what is it that you want, in respect of that? Jill: That’s different to what I’ve achieved today? Jamie: Yeah. Or that’s beyond it, or whatever. What is it that... you know... you’ve got some purpose. You didn’t choose this belief randomly... (No.) to work on. Because you’ve got some purpose for wanting to change it. Jill: Yeah, because I want to... in a fairly short space of time, create a business that is financially hugely successful. Jamie:...financially hugely successful... Jill:...And I don’t want to be dependent on anybody else to do that. ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jamie: Oh. That seems fair enough... Okay... And what happens when you think about what you had been believing? About that? ( points to pad ) How does that seem to you now already? (long pause) Jill: It seems a bit daft, really, doesn’t it? Jamie: Well are you asking me, or telling me? Jill: Well it... I mean it... that’s just a thought. Jamie: That’s true. So, as you sit here now, from that perspective looking back at what you’ve accomplished, how did those accomplishments that you’ve made on your own merit, in those situations, weigh compared to those situations where you’ve cooperated with other people as well? (long pause) Jill: From this perspective they outweigh the others. Jamie: They do?! Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Okay. So what will you do? Jill: What will I do? Jamie: What will you do? Jill: I will start tomorrow, and this is just me; this is me, on my own, with no dependence on anybody else: I’m gonna to set some massive goals, and I’m gonna go after them. Jamie: Okay. Well, here’s what I’d like you to do. What’s an appropriate point in the future to look back from to track your progress, you could say – to track through the things you’ve accomplished in this period of time? To notice how far you’ve come... on your own. Jill: Two years. Jamie: Okay, so what I’d like you to do is go to somewhere two years from now... and notice what you’ve accomplished already. Where are you? What’s going on? What have you created? What are you experiencing? Jill: Okay, I’m in a different... just a different level. I’ve got a team of people who I’m working... who are working for me. They... I’m seeing them looking to me for guidance, support, and looking to me as a role model; I’m seeing my husband breathing a huge sigh of relief, because I’m bringing in so much more money that he ever has done, and he’s near ©2008 Jamie Smart

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to retirement now... And I’m seeing my kids... I’m seeing my kids looking up to me like... you know, ’cos I’m such as inspiration to them. Jamie: Brilliant! So here’s what I’d like you to do in just a moment: I’m gonna invite you to take a step forward, into the effect of having got this – of having achieved this. Now you may not know consciously what the effect of this is. But at an unconscious level, you’re already aware. So what I’d like you to do is... just to explore by taking a step into what the effect of having achieved and accomplished this is. Just for purposes of exploration. And again, you don’t need to even know consciously; your unconscious knows. What’s going on here? Jill: I’m just feeling such a huge sense of confidence and independence. And just loving that feeling of complete and utter freedom and independence. Jamie: Where do you feel that? Jill: Where? Jamie: Yeah. Jill: In here. Jamie: Can you feel that now ? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Okay. So I’d like you to turn around and... do you have any words of wisdom for that Jill back there in the present? Jill: M-hm. Jamie: What would you like to tell her? Jill: I want to tell her to... just... be so focussed and confident in her own ability, because her own ability is good enough, and that will take her to where she wants to go. Jamie: Fantastic. And notice what you have been doing in the process, and how you’ve been doing it. You might even notice three or four or five particularly convincing or outstanding examples of what you have been doing... differently. Like this. (M-hm.) And then whenever you’re ready, return to the present... as you integrate all of these ideas and learnings and understandings at every level in your neurology. Then turn to face the future, and notice it opening up big and bold and bright in front of you. Jill: Mmm. Jamie: And all of this for what purpose, Jill? ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jill: For me to just feel like I’ve got to… where I want t o get to, and realising my potential, feeling like I’ve tapped into the very best, and that I will not have any regrets. Jamie: And how can you feel that you have tapped into the very best, every step of the way? Jill: ’Cos I will take risks, and I will just push myself out – push beyond the boundaries and just push myself out every single time I feel any kind of comfort zone, I’m just going to push myself out. Jamie: And in order to do what? Jill: To be really happy. Jamie: Okay... And in order to do what? Jill: To… just be me... (That sounds good.) ...and to be really happy with that. Jamie: All right – sounds like a plan. Thank you. Feels like a plan. Jill: Thank you. (applause) Jamie: So, this was more of a demonstration than anything else, but I just wanted to give you a sense of how that can kind of work in rough going, so to speak. So some of the things I was doing include what’s called Apply to Self. You probably heard me several different times, taking the different parts of the belief and applying it to itself. So Jill had said that she couldn’t do it on her own because she doubted her ability, so I asked her if she doubted her ability to believe that. And I asked her if she’d learned that belief on her own. What does saying “Did you learn that belief on your own?” presuppose? That she learned it. That it was an accomplishment ; she learned how to do that. And if we can learn one thing, we can learn something else, right? So that was one thing. Also, asking “How do you know?” So that’s Reality Strategy: “How do you know this is true?” But also “How would you know if it wasn’t true?” How did she make that real? And “How will you know if the new belief, or when the new belief, is in place? And that was an interesting one, because what Jill said is, “Well, I’ve got all this evidence of all the things where I didn’t do it by myself,” and I said “Okay, how would you know if it wasn’t true?” and she said “Well, I’m seeing a picture of myself that’s looking...” ...and all these particular qualities. And I said “Ah!” From her perspective, what happens when she looks back over all the things you’ve accomplished so far. So at that point that Jill – who was looking at things in a different way – was able to perceive a bunch of different distinctions in Jill’s existing ©2008 Jamie Smart

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accomplishments. ’Cos here’s the thing: they can always do what they say they can’t. So when Jill told me “I can’t do it on my own”, I b elieved that she believed that. But I knew it wasn’t true, ’cos we can always do what we say we can’t. I also used Counterexample – “Are you telling me you can’t do anything on your own?” Nice counterexample Jill gave: “Well, I can go to the toilet on my own”. “You?!” That’s a bit Frank Farrely style-y – the expression of disbelief at any claims of competence or ability. “You?! On your own?!” And then a bit of Apply to Self: “But do you have the ability to complete that?”. What else? Stretching it out three times so “Have you ever done something on your own?” looking for counterexamples in the past... You know what? I’ll have to pick over the tape to see what else I was doing, ’cos I just don’t remember. ’Cos when I’m doing this stuff I’m very in the moment. I’ve got a sense of what I need to collect up to do the work, but I’m never exactly a hundred per cent sure of what it is that I’ve been saying or doing. I’ve got the important signposts and markers, but I’m not necessarily sure how I’ve been doing it. But I’ll go back and review it and we’ll see. Any questions about Sleight of Mouth? Aside from “What was that?” or has anyone got any questions for Jill? Nada: Why is it called that? Oh, Sleight of Hand is like card tricks – “The hand is quicker than the eye”? Sleight of Mouth is kind of a play on words, because what you’re doing is using the structure of the belief a person had perceived as limiting in order to enrich the belief. So you use the belief itself to enrich the belief, and to expand their sense of possibility and capability. Tony: Can I just provide an example that you did on me on the prac? On the practitioner course my dilemma that I kind of played around with and got resolution to was “Should I stay with my existing boss?” ’cos I’ve got a sense of loyalty to my boss who kind of took a chance on me, and I worked for him for seven years – “Or should I build up my own company?” which is what I really wanted to do. And I think the word that came out when I spoke to Jamie about this was – it kept coming back to loyalty. And Jamie kind of turned to me and said: “How is it being loyal to yourself to know that you don’t want to work with this guy – when you really want to set up your own business?” And that to me is kind of saying, you know, “That loyalty that you hold so dear that’s holding you in your existing job is a good reason for leaving that job and being loyal to him by being honest, and going for something... ’cos it’s loyalty as well”. And that kind of made sense to me. I felt as if Jamie had used my words to kinda play it back to me and make sense of what the decision ought to be.

©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jamie: And I’m curious, Jill, I mean how does this seem different now? What are you noticing, having made these changes? Jill: I’m just feeling more confident, and standing tall, and... okay I’m sitting tall l... and yeah, just a different outlook – expansive. Jamie: Hmmm! And it’s interesting, because what prompted this was, Jill came to me at lunchtime and said, “I haven’t found anything that is really effective for doing belief change; do you know of anything?” And I said yes, I know of one or two things, and one of my favourite things is Sleight of Mouth. And so Jill said, “Oh, well I’m not sure that I believe that it’s possible for a...” or I can’t remember quite how you had put it, but let me ask you this: to what extent has this already convinced you that it’s possible to learn how to work with people’s beliefs and make changes at that level? Jill: Well, what I said to you is that I would need to have evidence that it works for me to feel that it’s a powerful technique to use. So in terms of already now , yes – the way I’m feeling right now. Obviously the ultimate is evidence in terms of results is me going out and behaving very differently and getting the success that I want. Jamie: And what are you going to do right away? Like from today or tomorrow? Within the next twenty-four hours? To put that into practice? In terms of results and behaviours? Jill: Well, it’s going into work with a different mindset. And certainly I’ve got to set some goals around this to be really clear as to what I’m going out there to achieve. And once I’ve done that, and there is nothing to hold me back from actually making those changes... So I do need to set those goals, and interestingly I’ve got a sort of supervisory session on Monday morning first thing, that I can use, perhaps, to set those goals. And then... then it’s about me working in a very different way, and being far more productive. Jamie: “That I can use, perhaps, to set those goals?” Jill: Perhaps...? Jamie: “I’ve got a supervisory session that I can use perhaps to set those goals.” Jill: That I can – that I can . I can do that, yeah. Jamie: Oh, okay. Will you do that? Jill: Yes, I will. Jamie: Oh, okay, great. Will you send me an email with the goals once you’ve set them? ©2008 Jamie Smart

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Jill: M-hm. Jamie: Tomorrow? Jill: Yeah. Jamie: Great. Good. Promise? Jill: Yes, promise. Jamie: Okay, great. All right. Good. (to audience) Does that seem different to you guys? To “I can’t do this on my own”? Bridget: She seems different. You put on the “successful professional lady” so well that it’s almost like somebody put another Jill in that chair. Jamie: Fantastic, thank you! A bit more evidence... (Unidentified woman): That happened when you were up there. Bridget: You did get taller. You straightened up. It was neat. Jamie: Interesting. Jill: Fantastic.

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Transcript of Sleight of Mouth Demo (1)

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