Tools of Recovery: This Recovery Tools Tools section is divided into five major pages: •
A list of 40 Recovery Recove ry Tools Tools
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A list of positive and negative behaviors in recovery
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"Best Advice: A compendium of advice for overcoming sexual dependency as related by the addicts themselves"! #$$0 %atric& ' (arnes) %h*
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A list of +, -tress Reducers
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A list of 4. /ualities of a Relationship
A List of 40 Recovery Tools # Abstinence partial or total1: 2e get support and gro3th by abstaining from people) places or things that tha t 3e consider harmful arly in recovery a period of total sexual abstinence is a benefit! 3ithout abstinence) recovery is impossible -ome people call this a period of celibacy 5ater abstinence 3ill come to mean mean abstaining from your bottom line behaviors behavior s sometimes called inner circle circ le behaviors1 and boundaries bo undaries sometimes called middle circle behaviors1 6 Acceptance : Accept that you are a sex and love addict *on7t blame yourself for failures) but don7t give in either There is no room in recovery for guilt and shame) as as they perpetuate the shame spiral that often feeds our very addiction 8uilt is 3hen 3e feel 3e7ve done something bad -hame is 3hen 3e feel that 3e are bad Both of these attitudes need to be addressed head9on in recovery recovery Recovery provides us an opportunity to change our behaviors + Affirmations: *aily affirmations are a 3ay of retraining "old thoughts" of lo3 self9 esteem 4 Anonymity and Confidentiality: 8uard other7s safety by not repeating 3hat is heard in a meeting or other confidential setting! value yourself and others by practicing "principles before personalities" By using first names only) 3e guarantee that everyone 3ill feel safe to share) and 3e place everyone on an eual footing 5iving respectfully of others is an important thread in the fabric of recovery ; Balance: Balancing your life is important To help build balance in your life and relationships) each day remember to develop personal relationships 3ith people other than your partner ngage in pleasure) education) rest) creativity) spiritual involvement) and play Becoming compulsive about recovery does not ma&e you sober and healthy! it merely substitutes another compulsion
, Carry Recovery with You : e3sAndvents= http:==saa9recoveryorg=>e3sAndvents= ) ) http:==333sca9recoveryorg=conferencehtm)) and http:==333slaaf3sorg=events http:==333sca9recoveryorg=conferencehtm http:==333slaaf3sorg=events ? "eep breathin#: @f you feel a panic attac& coming on) try ta&ing slo3 deep breaths until sanity begins to return Try other healing physical activities li&e soa&ing in a hot bath) loo&ing in a mirror and a nd saying "@ love you" or other o ther affirmations) or repeating the -erenity %rayer $ $onesty: 2or& 2or& to eliminate denial) half truths) 3hite lies) fibs) partial truths and overt dishonesty 3ith ourselves and others #0 $umor: "5aughter is the best medicine" is true >ever ta&e yourself too seriously njoy a healthy comedy movie or T sho3 3hen you feel do3n ## %ournalin#: 2riting provides a 3ay to become honest 3ith ourselves and our igher %o3er By 3riting in journals) gratitude lists) letters and emails 3e can measure our progress) values) motives) motives ) and T3elve T3elve -tep 3or& Record your thoughts) thoughts ) feelings) and insights This can be an enormous help in developing and repairing your relationship 3ith yourself This also serves to sho3 later ho3 short9term our feelings can be #6 Literature : -exual recovery is a portable program: 3e can ma&e use of AA) >A) >A) (C-A) (o9-5AA) -9Anon) CA) or any relevant recovery boo&s and literature) plus our o3n boo&s and pamphlets Read some recovery literature everyday *aily reading helps &eep your focus on recovery @f you get one good ne3 idea from a 3hole boo&) it 3as 3orth it Become more &no3ledgeable about you addiction by any reading relevant boo&s and visiting informational 3ebsites @t can tide you over till you7re able to ma&e contact 3ith another member @t also deepens your &no3ledge of the program) and no matter ho3 often you read it) there7s al3ays al3a ys something surprising to learn The -(Anner) the bi9annual magaDine of -(A) is available by subscription from their 3ebsite The 'ournal) the bi9monthly magaDine of -5AA) -5AA) the 'ournal) available from -5AA9E2- for F6400 annually) is available from their 3ebsite The Cuter (ircle) the bi9monthly magaDine of -AA) is available from their 3ebsite by subscription and past issues are archived there1 #+ Live in the moment: "Cne *ay At a Time" as 3e often say say The thought of ma&ing a pledge to never act out sexually again can be discouraging and over3helming @t7s important not to 3orry about the past or project the future) just stay in the moment @f necessary) ta&e it one hour or even one minute at a time @f you become over3helmed by tas&s to be accomplished) accomplis hed) ma&e yourself a list of things th ings to do
be3ilderment Be mindful 3hen your attention is not in the moment 2hen your mind d3ells in the future or the past) you can do nothing Remember) the only time you can ever do anything is right no3 #4 &eetin#s : Geetings 3hether in real life or online1 are 3here 3e share our experience) strength and hope 3ith each other to better understand our common problem and 3or& together to3ards the solution ven if you feel you7ll die if you don7t act out or your mind doesn7t 3ant you to get better) you need to "bring the body" to a meeting ven 3hen something is "more important" or more exciting or more fun) get to a meeting ery subtly your value system 3ill get healed 2e failed to do it alone) but 3e can do it together Hou can listen to others tell of 3hat it 3as li&e) 3hat happened to them and 3hat it is li&e no3 Hou listen for the similarities and discard the differences @n these meetings you learn valuable information about your disease and ho3 the #69step program 3or&s Gembers give and receive support) 3or& the steps) and share experience) strength and hope in a safe environment At first) attend as many meetings as you can @f possible) attend meetings daily for the first $0 days and practice abstinence to the best of your ability The slogan "$0 meetings in $0 days" is a sure9fire 3ay to learn the true meaning of "Eirst Things Eirst" Ga&ing a meeting every day no matter 3hat is a foolproof 3ay to discipline deep habits of "giving in" and self9indulgence I habits so deep they seem our true selves rather than the voice of our illness #; 'pen(mindedness: Be vigilant to listen for similarities and not differences 2e share common feelings) no matter 3hat our acting9out behavior involved Be very mindful to not separate yourself from recovery or the fello3ship 2e all feel "terminally uniue" sometimes) but 3ith time 3e learn that 3e are part of a larger unity that overcomes miracles #, )eople )laces and Thin#s : (hoose to avoid all triggering situations) or ma&e them safe if you can7t avoid them Hou don7t have to go to business meetings at nude bars Hou can tell the others that going to such places interferes 3ith your spiritual gro3th @f you can7t avoid some triggers such as 3or&ing on a computer) ma&e it safe for yourself @nstall bloc&ing soft3are so that you don7t &no3 the pass3ord1) &eep your door open) turn the screen to3ard the door) put the computer at home in a public area) never go online 3hen you are alone Hou can figure out the details Avoiding triggers is respecting your o3n boundaries #. )hysical Activity: -pend time doing fun activities) and get involved in sports) exercise) and other physical activities This is useful for all addicts and particularly important for those 3ho became sedentary 3ith their addictions >o matter 3hat the activity even cleaning1 releases natural endorphins in the brain 3hich help us feel healthy #? )rayer and &editation : %rayer and meditation are a means of establishing a conscious contact 3ith a %o3er greater than ourselves) for spiritual healing Regular spiritual practices help us connect 3ith our igher %o3er) 3hich strengthens our recovery There is a 3ebsite http:==3orldprayersorg1 3ith 3orld3ide prayers and meditations @t is important to explore 3hatever beliefs you have in a po3er greater than yourself This may be 8od as you &no3 8od through your religious beliefs or values Hour higher po3er may be nature) the energy of the universe) your #6 -tep
group) or any other thing that is greater than you are There are no religious reuirements or beliefs necessary for recovery -ome people have either lost their spirituality before coming to recovery and some have never had any spiritual beliefs @n recovery you may experience a ne3 or rea3a&ened spiritual feeling -ome of these a3a&ened feelings may challenge your religious upbringing Be open9minded %ray for help from your igher %o3er I as you understand it or don7t understand it %articularly effective is the -erenity %rayer: "8od) grant me the serenity to accept the things @ cannot change) courage to change the things @ can) and 3isdom to &no3 the difference" @n emergency situations) some of us use it as a mantra) saying it over and over till the crisis passes #$ )rioriti*e: Ga&e recovery your number one priority All of your hopes and plans) your very survival depends on your recovery @t may not ma&e sense at the beginning but your order of priority should be: J# -obriety! J6 %hysical and Gental ealth! J+ Einancial! J4 Eamily Relationships 60 )rofessional $elp: Hour addiction may have been a subconscious 3ay of self9 medicating yourself for 3ounds you carry from your earlier life @t is important to 3or& 3ith a professional 3ho understands sexual addiction or is 3illing to learn This is another 3ay to &eep yourself on the path of recovery Remember that recovery is much more than abstinence from sexually addictive behaviors Hou may 3ant to see& out group therapy) individual therapy) or both @f possible) including your spouse or partner in therapy) both individually and as a couple) can be a great benefit to the recovery of both and to your relationship 2e also suffer from cognitive distortions core beliefs1: it is erroneous to thin&: "@ am basically a bad) un3orthy person!" ">o one 3ould ever love me as @ am!" "Gy needs are never going to be met if @ have to depend on others!" "-ex is my most important need" These core beliefs provide the structure for many particular errors in thin&ing (ognitive errors distort the experience of the sexual addict to conform to the shameful core beliefs The particular errors also screen out any ne3) potentially corrective information Eor example) the sexual addict 3ho fundamentally believes that "no one 3ill love me the 3ay @ really am" 3ill set up relationships so that there is ample evidence of rejection of the true self and support for the false) public self A professional therapist can help us better understand cognitive distortions and retrain our core beliefs 6# Recovery )artners : Being accountable to someone is an important anchor for sobriety Ga&e an agreement 3ith someone to chec& in I daily if at all possible That person should have a list of uestions I very specific uestions I to as& you and that you have agreed to ans3er honestly Hour partner may be a member of your group) a friend in recovery) your therapist) or a good friend A recovery partner must be someone you trust and 3ith 3hom you feel safe -haming by an accountability partner is not acceptable @t is not recommended that you as& your life partner to be your recovery partner This tool can be a valuable addition to your sponsor 66 Recovery )lan: A recovery plan is a pre9determined 3ay of expressing our sexuality consistent 3ith our values) so that even 3hen confused) 3e have a 3ritten guideline to help us @n defining our o3n sobriety) 3e ma&e a list of all of our acting out behaviors Ga&ing this list is very specific and is follo3ed by a solemn commitment to yourself not to engage in those behaviors 2e choose) one day and one situation at a time) not to engage in those behaviors -et your bottom lines! discuss your bottom
lines! &no3 your bottom lines! observe your bottom lines Read over your sexual recovery plan freuently Remembering our goals helps us lose the craving to go bac& to the anguish and confusion 3e are beginning to ease out of Gost recovery plans include personal boundaries in addition to bottom lines from 3hich 3e completely abstain Boundaries are the "slippery" slopes that can became blurred or even non9existent 3hen 3e 3ere in our sexual addiction %art of recovery is identifying appropriate boundaries or limits 3ith respect to people) places and activities Eor example) 3e might choose to set a boundary regarding &eeping company 3ith people 3ho continue in their addictions This is self9protective and healthy 2hen 3e 3ere in our addiction there 3as nothing 3e 3ould not do and nothing 3e felt 3e could not or should not do >o3) in recovery) 3e must set boundaries to &eep ourselves healthy and safe There is no right or 3rong 3ay to 3rite a recovery plan for yourself -ome members benefit by seeing an existing plan in use ere are t3o members7 plans: Cne T3o! and 3e 3ill gladly post additional ones that members 3ish to submit 6+ Relationships: *ating is a 3ay of changing the instant gratification habit and getting to &no3 more about ourselves and another person) before committing to any sexual decisions 2e let go of self9serving po3er and prestige as driving motives 64 Reminders: -imple reminders can often be a po3erful 3ay to stay sober Eor instance) posting small signs or post9its 3ith affirmations or healthy reminders near your computer) your bathroom mirror) your car7s interior) or 3herever you 3ant to be "reminded" can be a gentle nudge to staying on the path of recovery 6; +,A,-,., -ormula: The K-AEL Eormula is an easy 3ay to define addiction @f the follo3ing elements are present) then the person7s sexual problems could be called an addiction: K-ecret! Abusive! Eeelings! mptyL -ecret I @t is a secret Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny 3ill create the shame of a double life Abusive I @t is abusive to self or others Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others or degrades oneself 3ill activate the addictive system Eeelings I @t is used to avoid or is a source of painful feelings @f sexuality is used to alter moods or results in painful mood shifts it is clearly part of the addictive process mpty I @t is empty of a caring committed relationship Eundamental to the 3hole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships The addict runs a great ris& by being sexual outside a committed relationship 6, +ervice: -ervice is helping ourselves by helping others -ervice includes participating in activities that support your T3elve -tep group as a 3hole) including leading meetings) sponsoring) reaching out to ne3comers) telling your story) serving as any trusted servant position) 3riting an article for the 'ournal) or volunteering in other 3ays Hou may also serve by helping your neighbors) volunteering in your church) and so on The benefit of service is not limited to serving in the recovery community The benefit is in connecting 3ith others through their needs rather than your o3n 6. +harin#: Being honest and vulnerable in front of fello3 recovering addicts is frightening but 3orth it Gany of us believe 3e recover in direct proportion to our 3illingness to share -ome recovering addicts commit to tal&ing during the discussion time in each meeting
6? +lo#ans: -logans are simple statements that can be used in crisis situations) so that 3e have some basic guidelines These include: Cne *ay At a Time! 5ive and 5et 5ive! asy *oes @t! %rogress) >ot %erfection! Eirst Things Eirst! ot allo3ing ourselves to become too ungry) Angry) 5onely) or Tired1) Geeting9ma&ers Ga&e @t) But Eor the 8race of 8od) and many more 6$ +ociali*in#: -ocialiDing is a 3ay of brea&ing do3n our isolation and getting to &no3 other people in a nonsexual context I at fello3ship after meetings) in supportive organiDations and groups) and in the community at large -pend time 3ith people @solation is a part of your disease Eind 3ays to be in contact 3ith people Geetings are good) but the company of others is good too The only limit is that those people must support your sobriety even if they don7t &no3 you are an addict Hou can also "socialiDe" by posting to forum message boards and recovery groups li&e: http:==groupsyahoocom=group=slaa6) http:==groupsyahoocom=group=astarttorecovery) and the -(A 3ebsite +0 +ponsorship: -ponsorship is t3o people 3ith the same problem helping each other to 3or& the program @t can provide a frame3or& for a recovery plan and for doing the #69-teps) and bring emotional support at difficult times As part of the surrender process) 3e admit our 3ea&nesses and 3e as& others for help A sponsor is a recovering addict 3ith more sobriety and program experience than you Hour sponsor should be someone 3ith 3hom you can communicate Eind a sponsor immediately) even if they are only temporary Hou can al3ays change sponsors later if the relationship does not 3or& out +# +tart a &eetin# : 2hile there are online meetings) some suggest that they have no local meetings to attend -5AA Eello3ship 2ide -ervices provides help in creating ne3 groups Tradition + states) "The only reuirement for -5AA membership is the desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction Any t3o or more persons gathered together for mutual aid in recovering from sex and love addiction may call themselves an -5AA group) provided that as a group they have no other affiliation" >o matter ho3 ne3 you feel that you are in recovery) you are most 3elcome to create a group) and this tool 3or&s to3ard "Geetings)" "-ervice)" "-haring)" -upport >et3or&)" "Replace Behaviors 3ith ealthy Cnes)" "-ocialiDing" and more @t is 3orth the effort +6 +upport /etwor! : Geeting 3ith other people to discuss your journey helps you to &no3 you are not alone and allo3s you to get another perspective on your struggles (ultivate communication 3ith other recovering people bet3een meetings) either by phone) the @nternet) or in person! as& for support 3hen needed These relationships are best cultivated in non9crisis times -ome recovering people commit to tal& 3ith someone everyday ++ +urrender : "-urrender to 2in" is a slogan 2ebster first defines surrender as: to yield to the po3er) control) or possession of another upon compulsion or demand1! to give up completely or agree to forgo especially in favor of another -o often ne3comers "fight" for their recovery=sobriety by "3hite9&nuc&ling" the symptoms of this dis9ease of addiction Cnce 3e learn to surrender to the process of recovery) through the use of all of these tools) 3e begin to see ho3 it can be easier to gain
victory @f @ 3as up for a boxing match 3ith Minsert any major boxer7s name hereN) @ 3ould certainly loose if @ really got into the ring Eor my o3n health) it is far better for me to surrender before the match) than to ta&e a beating +4 Ta!e the -irst +tep : Repeat the 3or&s "2e admitted 3e 3ere po3erless over our sex and love addiction I that our lives had become unmanageable)" until the meaning begins to sin& in @f 3e really accept that 3e have no po3er over our compulsion) 3e 3ill be able to turn it over I to our igher %o3er) to our sponsor) to the program +; Telephone: The Telephone is your lifeline bet3een meetings 8et phone numbers from other members in your program 8et used to calling someone daily @t is an important 3ay to brea& out of the isolation that is so strongly a part of the disease Hou may be shy and hesitant at first but by training yourself to call someone) it 3ill be easy to place that call 3hen that moment of crisis arises And it 3illO *on7t tell yourself people don7t 3ant to be bothered! phone calls are one of the 3ays 3e all stay sober -5AA is a selfish program) and everything 3e do in it I including getting phone calls I is for our o3n sobriety Try calling somebody 3ith a lot of sobriety @n times of danger it7s more important than ever to "stic& 3ith the 3inners" +, Thin! t Throu#h : "@nterrupt the acting out" by developing and memoriDing a set of strategies to help you to avoid acting out bac& to a 3ell93ritten recovery plan1 %ostpone the slip) reminding yourself you can have it later but you7ll tal& to someone first Cur feelings are real) but often very short9lived As& yourself) "3ill you really get 3hat you 3ant if you go through 3ith thisP" *on7t d3ell on ho3 exciting it7s going to be) but remind yourself of the misery that inevitably has to follo3 +. Top Lines: Replace Behaviors 3ith ealthy Cnes: Brea& the habit pattern 2e can7t get sober in a vacuum 2e can7t simply stop destructive behavior 2e have to replace it 3ith healthy ne3 activities Cften 3e have to be as compulsive for a time about sobriety as 3e 3ere about acting out Try ta&ing creative actions you7ve never ta&en before %rove to yourself you are capable of healthy actions by ta&ing them "@n maintaining my sobriety) @ find it more useful to &eep in mind 3hat @ call my top line rather than my bottom line Gy top line is 3hat @ do 3ant for myself) my program goals @ 3ant to integrate myself physically) emotionally) mentally) and spiritually! to relate to others from a state of 3holeness! to live ma&ing decisions from a place of freedom and clarity rather than compulsion and confusion! to feel sufficiently safe to stay open enough to find the little realities of life moving) rather than needing to get dropped off a cliff to get a thrill @ 3ant to be present) see things the 3ay they are) and be glad to be alive These things are beginning to happen for me" I #$?, -ex and 5ove Addicts Anonymous p 6.0 +? Twelve +teps: 2or&ing the steps is the foundation of recovery! they are a set of spiritual practices for personal gro3th and recovery Geetings may &eep you sober for some time) but the T3elve -teps are vital for a stable and happy recovery The -teps are the means by 3hich you move from the problem of addiction to the solution of recovery Hou learn about the -teps by reading the literature) by attending -tep9 study meetings) and by 3or&ing 3ith a &no3ledgeable sponsor Read the T3elve -teps and 3or& them 'oin a step study! discuss a step at your T3elve -tep meetings) 3ith your sponsor) therapist) recovery partner and others 3ho are supportive of your
recovery But 3or& the -tepsO An AA step study guide can be found at http:==333syixcom=mleahey=stepshtm +$ 1illin#ness: Become 3illing Cpen your mind to the possibility of giving up the slip) rather than giving in to it @t 3ill feel that there7s no 3ay you can brea& the po3er of your o3n 3ill There is But it can only be done by ta&ing a positive action 2illingness is action Remember: There is hope! there is a future 40 1ithdrawal : 2ithdra3al I 8ate3ay to Ereedom) ope) and 'oy: "The pain of 3ithdra3al is uniue) special) even precious although you probably don7t no3 thin& so1 @n a sense) the experience is you) a part of you 3hich has been trying to surface for a long time Hou have been avoiding or postponing this pain for a long time no3) yet you have never been able to lastingly outrun it Hou need to go through 3ithdra3al in order to become a 3hole person Hou need to meet yourself Behind the terror of 3hat you fear) 3ithdra3al contains the seeds for your o3n personal 3holeness @t must be experienced for you to realiDe) or ma&e real) that potential for you and your life 3hich has been stored there for so long" Reprinted by permission xcerpted from +e2 and Love Addicts Anonymous ) copyright by The Augustine Eello3ship) -ex and 5ove Addicts Anonymous Eello3ship9-ervices) @nc) Boston) GA) #$?,
A list of positive and negative behaviours in recovery POSITIVE GROUP E!AVIORS Much of what we have learned to date may block communication and may get in the way of creative relationships, friends, associates, mates, and family. The following behaviors tend to help us become more "open" and able to give and receive clear communication with others.
1. SPEA" #IT! T!E $IRST PERSO% &I'& Instead of "People feel...," or "You get to feeling... ," etc., say "I think...," "I feel...." This gives more of a avor of you rather than broad generalities. . SPEA" (IRE)T*+ TO I%(IVI(UA*S. !ook and speak directly into their faces#. If another person asks you, "$o% do you feel about &am right no%'" for e(ample, turn to &am and say, "&am, I feel you %ere very kind to me a minute ago %hen you said...," or "I resent you right no%," or %hatever ) rather than ans%ering the one %ho *uestioned you originally. +. SPEA" $RO, +OUR !O%EST $EE*I%GS A%( T!OUG!TS. There is no taboo on language, thoughts, feelings or e(pressions in this kind of group. ailing to communicate e(actly %hat one feels ) be it anger or a-ection or indi-erence to%ards another ) is deemed "kindness" by the %orld and all too often is the most cruel thing %e can do to one another. It is based on lying and not giving a person the compliment of being able to handle honest feelings. $o% can persons behave properly if they have never been honestly told ho% others react to them' . E A#ARE AT A** TI,ES O$ +OUR T!OUG!TS A%( $EE*I%GS O$ T!E ,O,E%T. /(press them at the earliest appropriate time. 0e a%are even if you cannot e(press a perception of the moment. You cannot live creatively if you cloud the present %ith the imagined past ) a memory. The dreams of future never come. e freely live in one dimension of time ) the here and no%. 2. REA( T!E ,ESSAGES $RO, +OUR O#% O(+ . Your body is a most basic, tangible aspect of yourself. It is continually giving you messages. The open or closed portions of your limbs, s%eaty palms, feeling "3dgety," rapid heartbeat, moving to a closer or more remote seat, ushed face, increased elimination needs ) all these and more tell that you are afraid, angry, irritated, %orried, embarrassed, %anting to be closer to a person, an(ious, etc. These messages can be noted and understood. 4. E AS SPO%TA%EOUS AS POSSI*E. Too often, %e "mull over," think about, choose careful language, %ait too long, try to be polite, %ait our turn to speak or react. This may "%ater do%n," negate our freshness, sparkle and genuineness. Try to let ideas, thoughts and feelings o% out and over as they %ill convey the true "vie%." 5. E A#ARE O$ T!E RO*ES +OU TA"E A%( +OUR )!ARA)TERISTI) E!AVIOR. It has been observed that %e tend to behave similarly in many situations. or instance, some of us tend to be ready for a scrap in many situations. 6thers tend to %ithdra% or run a%ay from a
confrontation, %hile others are "peacemakers" or compromisers. 7nother may behave very di-erently in each situation, carefully "sampling" popular opinion and then taking that side. 0y observing yourself and others in this group, you can come to helpful insights. 8. E A#ARE O$ !O# PERSO%S I% T!IS GROUP RE,I%( +OU O$ SIG%I$I)A%T PEOP*E I% +OUR PAST OR PRESE%T *I$E. Interacting %ith those persons can often %ork out actually or completely like the persons of %hom they remind you. 9. *ISTE% A)TIVE*+ . :ood communication involves clear e(pressions of not only %hat you think and feel, but also listening clearly to the %ords, feelings and behavior communications of others it is good to attempt to "cra%l into another;s skin" or "%ear their shoes" in your imagination in order to understand them#. There is a strong tendency to "read in" things %e feel, %hile missing %hat a person is e(pressing because it bothers us for some reason. Techni*ues such as repeating back to a person %hat you thought they said before you ans%er might be helpful, if it does not demand spontaneity. 6ne can learn to allo% for one;s o%n biases and preost people think...," "7 person al%ays feels...," or "I think &o?and?so feels you don;t like him@her." &peak for yourself or ask the person %hat they are feeling or thinking. If you feel empathy for a person or feel like defending or attacking someone, speak for %hat you are e(periencing at that moment rather than attributing it to others. 11. TR+ TO !AVE GE%UI%E &E%)OU%TERS& #IT! OT!ERS. The aim of an encounter is not necessarily to either 3ght or avoid anger#, to al%ays be on good terms, or to "love" everyone. It is rather to realiAe that the basic stu- of life is to contact, interact, feel, and communicate meaningfully %ith others. 7 *uarrel is often better than complacently ignoring another. To kno% that you have been true to yourself %hile meaningfully interacting %ith another, also being true to them, is a ma
%EGATIVE GROUP E!AVIORS Here is a list of frequently seen group behaviors that need to be confronted as they happen. Take the risk to confront your own behaviors. Take the risk to confront the behaviors of your peers. Whether they are directly connected to acting out or not, these behaviors will lead to relapse. emember, this is about behavior, not the person. We confront what we see another group member doing, not who he or she is. Treat the individual with unconditional respect.
1. E.)USE ,A"I%G. or e(ampleC "I act out because I;m depressed," or "I act out because my spouse doesn;t understand me." . *A,I%G A%( PRO0E)TIO%. Permits the build?up of resentments and gets the focus o- the recovering person and puts it on others. or e(ampleC "The trouble %ith you is that you;re al%ays so critical. ho %ouldn;t act outE" " The cop that stopped me is angry at the %orld." +. RE(E$I%I%G. &hifts the focus of an issue to avoid solving the problem. or e(ampleC "I acted out because the language in the 0ig 0ook is old fashioned and too religious." "I acted out because my sponsor told me I could date." . SUPER1OPTI,IS,. or e(ampleC "I think, therefore, it is." "I can stop acting out because I put my mind to it. I don;t need any support." 2. SUPER1PESSI,IS, . "&tinking thinking." or e(ampleC "hat;s the use, everyone;s against me." 4. *+I%G. Fonfuses, distorts, and takes the focus o- the behavior. /(amples areC o
Fommission ) making things up that are simply not true.
o
6mission ) leaving out ma
o
7ssent ) presenting others; ideas to look good %ith no intention of follo%ing through.
5. ,A"I%G $OO*S O$ OT!ERS. 0y putting others do%n, %e take the focus o- our o%n behaviors. 8. ASSU,I%G. or e(ampleC "Gobody cares about me any%ay." :ives us an e(cuse to blo% up, get angry, or act out. 9. I-, U%I2UE. "Go one can tell me %hat to do." "Gobody understands my problems." 1=. I%GRATIATI%G. inding out %hat you can get from other people, ho% you can control them, use them, or control the situation for your o%n purposes. or e(ampleC "You;re my favorite counselor."
11. ,I%I,I3I%G. or e(ampleC "I only drank three beers." "I only called my H6F to see ho% s@he %as doing." 1. VAGUE%ESS. 0eing unclear and nonspeci3c to avoid being pinned do%n. "I guess." "Probably." ">aybe." "I;m not sure about this." "I drink socially." "I acted out occasionally." "I;ve used it." 1+. AGGRESSIO% 4 (O,I%A%)E. &caring others by our po%er and strength so that they %ill agree %ith us or leave us alone. 1. PO#ER P*A+S. alking out of a room during a disagreement or organiAing others to support our anger. 12. VI)TI, P*A+I%G. 7cting like the ing 0aby, or %hining and acting helpless, or acting too stupid to do anything for ourselves. 14. (RA,A 4 E.)ITE,E%T 4 SE%SATIO%A*I3I%G. 7 distraction %hich keeps the focus o- our o%n behavior. 15. SE)RETIVE A%( )*OSE1,I%(E(. 6pposite of going to any length of %hatever %orks. 18. I,AGE A%( SE*$1(E$I%ITIO%. or e(ampleC "That;s me. That;s
5est Advice6 A co7pendiu7 of advice for overco7ing se8ual dependency''' as related by the addicts the7selves'9 :;<<= Patric> 0 )arnes/ Ph'(' reprinted %ith permission ri?4?&eptember?==
%u7ber ; ? (eveloping T@elve Step Support
1. $ind people @ith signicant recovery to learn fro7 . If you cannot 3nd people and groups in your area, call national fello%ship oKces for long distance contact. 7lso, each fello%ship has national conferences every year at %hich you can meet people. . Re7e7ber that T@elve Step support is essential . T%elve?&tep support lays the foundation for the repair you need to do and sustains gro%th. +. +ou 7ust use the phone. 6vercoming fear of using the phone is critical if you are to stay in touch %ith group members and sponsors. It is okay to call as many times as you need ) even many times in one day or in an hour. . e patient. :oing through the stages takes time. There are no magic solutions ) only time and constant use of the program principles. 2. Go to 7eetings consistently . ind groups that are right for you and make a commitment to them. Jemember, you are building a support net%ork for yourself. 4. Use your sponsorBsC. 7 sponsor is someone %ho kno%s the detail of %hat has happened to you and coaches you on using the program. You can ask for a temporary sponsor. You can have more than one sponsor. 5. Use progra7 literature. ind program material. &tudy them. 7sk about %hatever you don;t understand. 8. ,aintain contact outside the 7eetings . 6ften more happens outside the meeting than in it. :roups often ad
1. e careful6 tell only those you trust . This %as far and a%ay the most fre*uent comment. 7ddicts say that in deciding %hether to tell someone, the key criterion is thisC ho% much do you trust that person. . #ait. /ven after having decided to tell someone, take time to think over your decision before actually going through %ith it. +. "no@ your 7otives . hat payo-s do you seek' Ho you %ant support or are you looking for approval'
. (o it if you can help others @ith the sa7e proble7 . &haring %ith people %ho need to be in the program or %ho already are in the program helps them and the group as %ell as yourself. 2. Re7e7ber/ it is not necessary to tell 7any people at all . You don;t have to tell ) even %hen people ask or pry. 4. +ou 7ust tell your therapist/ fa7ily/ and the people closest to you. It %ould be unfair to them if you did not share something this signi3cant. 0esides, these people are all vital to your healing process. You might consult your therapist about appropriate points to make in talking %ith your family and friends. 5. #hen in doubt/ chec> @ith your sponsor and your group . They can provide the support you need to make safe decisions. 8. ,ista>es @ill happen . 7ll addicts tell someone they later %ish they had not told. It is okay to make a mistake. %u7ber ? Avoiding The E8tre7es
1. #hen in doubt/ chec> @ith your therapist/ your sponsor/ or a group 7e7ber. !iving in the e(tremes is part of the old addictive mold that the 0ig 0ook of 7.7. calls "cunning and baLing." 7ddicts and co? addicts need ongoing input from others to keep in balance and as a check on their o%n deal. . e clear about your needs . >any addicts emphasiAed that recovery o-ers human and spiritual resources to help people understand %hat they need and %ant. Take care of your basic needs of hunger, rest, and support. +. ,a>e balance an i7portant goal . igure out boundaries that help you maintain balance. >ake those boundaries your priority. . *earn to do >ind things for yourself . 6ne addict told us, "Go% I see a better %ayC %e need to be more gentle %ith ourselves." 2. (evelop self1a@areness . 0e an observer of yourself by using meetings, on the old hurts. Your feelings %ill become important guides to the balance you need. 5. Act &as if'& 7t 3rst, not being in the e(tremes %ill seem a%k%ard and unre%arding. In order to distance yourself from your fear, pretend that this is okay. 7sk your sponsor about the Third &tep. 8. *eave cyclic/ destructive relationships. 7void partners and friends %ho persist in old patterns of escalation. If they are not committed to pursuing balance, you must take action. !eave or at least separate from them until your recovery is solidi3ed.
%u7ber F ? (eveloping Sobriety and !ealthy Se8uality
1. Pic> an e8tended period of celibacy . The top priority for most addicts is to e(perience a period of celibacy. Felibacy helps the person clear out unmanageability, to feel more alive again, and to reclaim repressed memories. . e patient @ith yourself . :entleness, kindness, and self?care are %atch%ords. To change after years of compulsion is a huge task, and you %ill make mistakes. 7s one addict observed, "Hon;t make self?love contingent on abstinence." +. Accept yourself as a se8ual person . &e(uality and sobriety are, as another addict advised, "possible, and not a contradiction in terms... se( is not dirty and shameful." You must distinguish bet%een your addiction and your se(uality. &obriety is about addiction, not about se(uality. Your se(uality is to be embraced, not denied. . #or> on boundaries. 0oundaries give you clarity about your se(ual self and help to reduce shame. 7s guidelines, they serve as a bul%ark against denial, obsessive thinking, and relapse. 2. "eep others current. 7l%ays keep others in your program informed about happenings in your se(ual life. hen in doubt or %hen confronting something ne%, check it out. $ave no secrets, and avoid becoming isolated. 4. Understand that things @ill change . Your vision of your se(uality %ill change dramatically %ith time in recovery. You %ill need to allo% yourself that process. 5. Accept the i7perfect. The search for perfection in relationships and se( cause many addicts to discard relationships before they recogniAed their potential. The search %as futile and the losses real. %u7ber ? eginning a )elibacy Period
1. Vie@ it as a ti7e1out/ not an end . 7 celibacy period %ill provide you pace to refocus on other needs. It is not a sentence, not the end of your se(uality. 6n the contrary, celibacy %ill make you fully a%are of your se(ual self. . #or> through co77it7ent issues @ith your partner . The decision to be celibate %ill a-ect your partner. Jespecting your partner means involving him or her in your thinking so you can commit together to the celibacy period. +. Get support fro7 therapist/ sponsor/ and group . You %ill need their guidance and help to ma(imiAe the e(perience. 0eing open %ith those in your net%ork %ill help you implement your plan. . E8pect that it @ill raise issues. or many, this change is drastic and places life issues in sharp relief. >ake this a goal and not a surprise.
2. Understand that resistance is typical . You may e(perience anger and resentment at 3rst. This isn;t surprising. e seldom embark gracefully on any ordeal that involves signi3cant change and insight. 4. Prepare yourself to e8perience ne@ feelings . The ne% feelings that emerge %ill be guides to parts of yourself you need to reclaim. 7s uncomfortable as these feelings may be, they %ill serve as signi3cant allies in helping you become all you are. 5. Plan active tas>s to enhance the e8perience . &elect a speci3c step to %ork on, follo% through on assignments from your therapist to help you accept nurturing and develop spiritual and se(ual a%areness, and keep a
1. (evelop Spiritual Strategies. hatever strategies you choose to help you connect %ith yourself and the rhythm of the universe ) meditation, yoga, or prayer, for e(ample ) need to be deepened, strengthened and practiced. Gumber one on almost everyone;s list is the development of a spiritual base ) a calm center %hich helps you resist turmoil on the periphery. . (ecode feelings. &e( that is about addiction and not se(uality is usually accomplished by feelings of shame, loneliness, fear, pain, and anger. 7l%ays check for these feelings. Jemember that to act out a feeling se(ually does not resolve that feeling. If you cannot decode your feeling, consult %ith a sponsor, a therapist, or a group member. Jemember the old T%elve?&tep aphorismC $orniness e*uals loneliness. +. Avoid trigger situations . Identify situations, persons, and circumstances that can trigger addictive responses. Jespect your po%erlessness, and avoid those triggers. Jemember, %hen in doubt, don;t. . $orgive yourself for slips . If a slip occurs, turn it into a learning e(perience. 0e gentle %ith yourself. Your shame %ill cause you to beat up on yourself, and that %ill make you even more vulnerable. 2. #or> on nurturing yourself . /(ercise. alk. /at %ell. Jest. /nake your living space a cocoon for your transformation. 0uy yourself a teddy bear. You deserve this treatment. 4. Avoid >eeping cravings secret . eeping your cravings secret %ill add to their po%er. hen you feel like acting our, go to people you trust so you are not alone. In general, secrets are about shame, and shame al%ays makes you more vulnerable. &ecrets %ill keep you from others in recovery. 5. $ind alternative passions . &eek hobbies, sports, and activities you en
obsessing, or acting out compete %ith activities and interests that are re%arding. 7lternative passions become ne% arenas for gro%th. 8. Ac>no@ledge your choice . 7void the feeling that you are a victim. You are po%erless about your addiction, but you are in charge of your recovery program and your lifestyle. In most areas, you have the choice %hich can help you achieve the balance needed in your life. 0e proactive instead of reactive by ackno%ledging to yourself and to others %hat your choices are. %u7ber ? (eveloping a Spiritual *ife
1. Use the Steps. The T%elve &teps are a proven recipe for spiritual %holeness. Jemember that the program started %ith the realiAation that %ithout the spiritual component, recovery could not happen. Hecide that a spiritual life is essential, not an option. . $ind guides. !isten to others share their spiritual e(periences and ask ho% healing happened in their lives. 0rokenness, failure, and tragedy have helped many 3nd parts of themselves they had not kno%n. >ost also started %ith anger or fear, skepticism, or detachment. +. Separate religion fro7 spirituality. >any come %ith "baggage" about religious institutions that damages or constricted their gro%th. Jesentment about these e(periences can cast shado%s over genuine spiritual development. 6rganiAations and institutions are not ends in themselves, but are instead designed to help you have a spiritual life and build a spiritual community. Bse only those %hich help. . )onnect @ith nature . &pirituality starts %ith a sense of %onder at our e(istence and at the %onders of creation ) other living things, the oceans and mountains, forests, deserts, and %eather. :o for a %alk. atch stars. Take care of a pet. Gotice your body. Play %ith children. Then connect these miracles %ith %hat you see around you. 2. ,a>e a daily eJort . ey to spiritual life is constancy. Haily rituals that anchor your sense of stability help you achieve incremental spiritual gro%th. Then %hen leaps of faith are re*uired and stress over%helms you, a reservoir of accumulated strength a%aits. 4. $ind @ays to pro7ote reKection . &pirituality is about %hat is meaningful to you, %hat gives your life value. Inspirational %riting, daily meditation books, liturgy, prayer,
8. !eal the se8ual4spiritual split . >uch damage has been done to se(uality in the name of religion. The result inhibits progress on both planes. To heal, start by ackno%ledging that se(uality is about meaning and that spirituality is about meaning. &earch for common areas bet%een the t%o. 0e gentle %ith yourself about old, tortuous conicts. They are not about you. They never %ere. %u7ber L ? Enhancing Se8uality
1. ,a>e a se8ual leap of faith . &e(ual change is gradual, not sudden. You have to trust and believe that it %ill happen. This most often?used phrase in this area of advice %as "let go and let :od."# 7ttempts to do other%ise and control outcomes %ill destroy se(ual e(periences. . Sustain se8 @ith inti7acy . &e(ual vitality comes from relationships. The challenges of closeness rene% se(ual interest and deepen the meaning of se(. +. Tal> before/ during and after . MerbaliAing, passion, needs, and fears are perhaps the best %ays of facilitating se(ual intimacy. . Overco7e se8ual sha7e through aMr7ation of each other . Fouples that did the best emphasiAed the strategy of mutual aKrmation. Fompliment your partner. 7Krm all the positive things you can see about his or her se(uality and about your se(uality together. Hon;t stop. 2. Respect boundaries and li7its . 0uilding trust helps heal the se(ual %ounds of the past. 0oth partners need permission to say no %ithout fear of reprisal or abandonment. :ive profound respect to the other;s vulnerability and %ishes ) even %hen you don;t fully understand them or approve of them. Jemember, trust is the goal. To seduce, manipulate, or test your partner;s boundaries is e(tremely destructive. $ealing %ill shift perspectives and boundaries. 0reaking the trust again may lead to irreparable damage. 4. Pay attention to feelings . 7ddicts and co?addicts learned to se(ualiAe their needs and pain, yet their needs remained unful3lled, their pain unattended, and their se(uality stied. 7ttend to your feelings. You might have to begin by e care of your body . Physical health is basic to se(ual health. /(ercise. /at good food. &leep %ell. !imit the use of drugs like alcohol, nicotine, and ca-eine. Ho these things and you can trust that your body;s responses %ill be limited only by your mind.
%u7ber < ? eginning to (ate
1. !eal rst. ait for your program to stabiliAe. Take the time you need to %ork through celibacy, to develop support, and to understand your addiction. >ost %ho took this time felt it %as the "greatest gift" they could have given themselves. . Ta>e ti7e to be >no@n . You have plenty of time. 7im for friendship. 7void urgency. /nany addicts spend one night that takes years to untangle. There are magical evenings, ho%ever. /n
1. #or> for @in1@in solutions . &hame?based couples tend to look at all issues in terms of right and %rong, and to see all conicts as ending %ith a %inner and a loser. &earch for solutions that make each partner a %inner. &eldom is there
. Use the T@elve1Steps. &top the 3ght and share %ith each other %hat &tep you need to use in connection %ith this problem. Bse the tools your recovery gives you. +. Agree on ti7es to @or> on proble7s. ighting %hen you are tired and depleted is counter?productive. 7gree that it;s all right to talk about the problem at another time that;s acceptable to you both. $ave a rule about times of the day %hen intense issues need to be tabled. . Avoid dra7atic e8its . Threatening abandonment is great drama, but also destructive to those %hose history is 3lled %ith it. Jemember, shame is about abandonment. If you need time?out, ask for it. 2. $ocus on the issues/ not the history . &hame?based couples do not resolve things because they keep escalating the conict by adding in other unresolved problems. Fut do%n on the backlog by concentrating on the current disagreement. 4. Avoid cheap shots . Partners kno% each other;s vulnerabilities. ighting is an act of trust and an invitation to intimacy. Ho not sabotage it %ith demeaning, disrespectful, or e(pletive comments. &upport, do not e(ult, %hen your partner admits an error. 5. Accept issues and feelings of others. They are realities for the other person, even if they seem alien or unreal to you. Malidating your partner;s e(periences %ill add dramatically to your ability to solve things together. 8. #hen stuc>/ consult @ith others . Therapists, trusted friends, sponsors, other couples ) all can be resources. If as a couple, you have no one to talk to, you do not have the resources you need. ind support for your relationship. %u7ber ;; ? Resolving Trusting Relationships
1. Give a lot of ti7e . This %as universally seen as the most important piece of advice. Phrases like "patience," "go slo%," and "one day at a time," %ere very common. This reects the old 7l?7non %isdomC "nothing maost people;s unhappiness in the relationship is about themselves and not their partner. You have to trust before you can trust the other. . Accept the illness in the other . &tart by ackno%ledging at the deepest level of yourself that you both are po%erless and fully involved in the illness. It is as hard for your partner as it is for you.
2. Ad7it 7ista>es pro7ptly . 7void blame. ork for honesty and accuracy, not for proving %hat is right. &elf?righteousness inevitably kills intimacy. 4. Share spirituality. /(plore %ays to be spiritual together that are simple for the t%o of you. 5. Use the &a7ends& Steps. Jeverse the blame dynamic by taking responsibility for pain you have inicted on the other. Ho %hat you can to make up for it. Bse &teps /ight and Gine as a model for daily living %ith your partner. 8. Re7e7ber/ it-s never doing to be perfect . Nust as the "ultimate partner" does not e(ist, neither does the "ultimate relationship." 7ccepting human limits in ourselves helps us in being generous %ith our loved one. 9. e @ith other recovering couples . 7ttend open meetings together. Noin fello%ships of couples. :o on couples; retreats. &ocialiAe %ith couples. &upport other couples. $ave couple friends. 1=. !ave fun together. 7ll %ork on recovery %ith no play makes for great intensity, not intimacy. Floseness comes from shared common e(periences, including the fun ones. Jemember, play is, in its o%n %ay, and act of trust.
A list of 3 +tress Reducers # %ray 6 8o to bed on time + 8et up on time so you can start the day unrushed 4 -ay KnoL to projects that 3onQt fit into your time schedule or that 3ill compromise your mental health ; *elegate tas&s to capable others , -implify and unclutter your life . 5ess is more Although one is often not enough) t3o are often too many1 ? Allo3 extra time to do things and to get to places $ %ace yourself -pread out big changes and difficult projects over time! don7t lump the hard things all together #0 Ta&e one day at a time ## -eparate 3orries from concerns @f a situation is a concern) find out 3hat % 3ould have you to do and let go of the anxiety @f you can7t do anything about a situation) forget it #6 5ive 3ithin your budget! donQt use credit cards for ordinary purchases #+ ave bac&ups! an extra car &ey in your 3allet) an extra house &ey buried in the garden) extra stamps) etc #4 <G-
6# 2rite thoughts and inspirations do3n 66 veryday) find time to be alone 6+ aving problemsP Tal& to % on the spot Try to nip small problems in the bud *onQt 3ait until itQs time to go to bed to try and pray 64 Ga&e friends 3ith healthy people 6; CT the general manager of the universe +, very night before bed) thin& of one thing youQre grateful for that youQve never been grateful for before
A list of F 2ualities of a Relationship by !rey, a member written Tue#$%#&une#'(()* :rey and her 3ancO %rote out a list of *ualities in their relationship that they desire and has permitted us to share that 3rst list.
1. !ove . Fommunication +. Trust . &haring ) upsets
2. &upportive ) emotional 4. Partnership deciding together# 5. $umor ) un 8. &haring the oor 9. le(ibility 1=.!ooking for the best in each other 11.Faring 1.orgiveness 1+.&pirituality 1.Gothing matters but everything is important 12.ollo% our dreams 14.>ake sure each other is 6.. 15.Pay attention 18.0elieve 19.aith in each other =./mbrace our fears 1.Peaceful .reedom +.Jesponsible .&elf?care 2.Fourageous 4.!oyal ) no gossip about each other 5.Go seeking advice on the other person 8.Go %ithholding 9.ork it out and return to love +=.Go manipulation ) let go of control
+1.0eing straightfor%ard +.Bnderstanding ++.Proactive, not reactive +.Take care of each other +2.7sk for needs to be met +4.Go pretending +5.0e sensitive ) no meannessD no bully +8.Gurture +9.Fherish =.$onor 1.Jespect .Passion +.&ensual .!ove?making 2.Fompassion 4.!istening 5.0eauty 0lessings to you allE
