The El Randomian Randomian Grimoire This is a grimoire, a book of magic. magic. Usually, grimoires from ancient times were employed employed to call upon celestial spirits and and fiends from the underworld. This grimoire is different. It is a modern grimoire filled with instructions on how to call upon the quirkiest and most unusual gods ever to have emerged from the surreal world of El Randomia. The deities and spirits of El Randomia are here. Everybody is welcomed to practice the secrets in this book. NALUK LA MODO MODO ALTULAY ALTULAYT T Achreus the Slackermage
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An Introduction to El Randomia Lo and behold the bizarre world world of El Randomia! Due to its eccentricities and anachronisms, it is called the Surreal World. Here are its most most prominent regions. 1. Achreopolis: the capital kingdom and home of the El Randomian gods. The commoners are minor magical creatures and beings. This kingdom is surrounded by the Whacklands. 2. The Whacklands: Homeland of the Whacklanders, a race of humanoids with inanimate objects (like clocks, shoes, etc.) for heads. Whacklander villages are scattered throughout this land. 3. The Black Desert of Badong: Beyond the outskirts of the Whacklands is the vast and desolate desert of Badong where the sands are as black as coal. Although crime is a rarity in El Randomia, grave offenders are sentenced to exile in the Desert of Badong. Wild beasts, beasts, monsters monsters and savage savage people people called called the Nub-Sabogs Nub-Sabogs are the predom predominant inant dwellers dwellers here.
El Randomia is a fantasy world of infinite mystical energies. The ancient words of El Randomia are pretty potent thus forming the basis of El Randomian magic. El Randomia may or may not be real. It could be a separate reality or could be an analogy to the inner world of the human mind. Whatever the case, the spells in in this book are effective. If not, may lightning strike you down.
Just kidding.
Deities and other Denizens of El Randomia
Name: Dude Dude X. Machina Machina Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Dude Description: A Caucasian man with unkempt dark blonde hair, sunglasses and dressed in a black Chinese Chinese outfit. outfit. He knows knows every every form of empty empty hand combat. combat.
Personality: Strong and silent type. However, when he talks everyone listens. Domains: heroism, martial arts, resurrection, the sun, power Likes: martial arts, ramen Dislikes: suffering of the innocent Function: Deals with protection, power, removal of big obstacles and overcoming great difficulties. Dude’s probably the most powerful god in the El Randomian Pantheon. Background: Background: Dude X. Machina was a Randulan (human) mortal empowered by the El Randomian Randomian sun and highly skilled skilled in in martial martial arts. arts. It was he who destroye destroyed d the Dark Lord, a malevolent being who almost destroyed the entire world of El Randomia. After dying in the epic battle, he came back to life and attained godhood. Using his divine powers, powers, he slew slew the Dark Dark Lord. According According to an ancient ancient El Randomia Randomian n prophecy, prophecy, he’ll he’ll end lead the people of the Blue Planet to the Age of The Dude, a utopian period of time when everyone can live in peace, freedom, harmony and martial arts.
Mantra: DUDE X. MACHINA (dood ex makina)
Name: Alanna Alanna Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: Lady Lady of Life, Life, Goddess Goddess of Nature, Nature, The The Celestial Celestial Songstress Songstress Description: A beautiful Tellian (a race of satyr-like people with horns and ears of reindeers) woman with long flowing hair. She wears a white dress adorned with tiny white crystals. A palm-sized crystal floats above each of her shoulders. She wears a crown of flowers on her head and wields a white staff encrusted with a pearl on top.
Personality: Graceful, gentle, artistic, musically inclined, soft-spoken Domains: life, nature, music, art
Likes: singing, flowers Dislikes: anything that threatens life and nature Function: Uses her magical singing singing to enchant and inspire. Animals and plants are in her control.
Origin: Alanna was a singer renowned throughout El Randomia. Her melodious voice stopped the 100-year long War of Wars thus ending an age of great bloodshed and suffering. This event alone made Alanna one of the most beloved figures in El Randomian history. After she died, she earned her position as goddess and married the heroic Dude X. Machina.
Mantra: NALUK LA ALANNA (na-look la al-lana)
Name: Winmay Winmay Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: Nurse Nurse Winmay, Winmay, The The Pixie Nurse, Nurse, Lady Lady of Pixie Pixie Healing Healing
Description: a 12 inched tall (although she can grow to 6 ft tall and shrink to the size of a cell) female Pixie with light blue wings, wearing a skimpy white nurse uniform with a pink button on collar; collar; also wears wears white white stockings stockings and heel-less heel-less shoes. She She wields wields an arcane arcane syringe pistol in each hand. Personality: Very caring and feisty Domains: healing, medicine Likes: honey, the scent of menthol balms and ointments, healing the sick. Dislikes: Bling-Bling (he always flirts with her), uncleanliness Function: She heals people by shrinking into the size of a cell and blasts away sickness, defects and malfunctions in the body with her arcane syringe pistols. Background: In El Randomia, Pixies are known for their knowledge of healing. Winmay was the greatest healer among the El Randomian pixies. Her legendary healings earned her a place among the El Randomian Pantheon.
Mantra: NALUK LA NARSA WINMAY (nalook la nar-sa wee-may)
Name: Taleeta Taleeta Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Lovely Lovely One, The Voluptu Voluptuous ous One, Sexy Snakewoman, Snakewoman, Serpent Babe, Bringer of Love, The Love Naga, Her Loveliness
Description: Sultry, romantic and passionate, Taleeta is perfect as an incarnation of love, sex and beauty in the El Randomian Pantheon. She comes in three forms:
-A scantily-clad beautiful buxom woman with dark blue hair with a white flower in her hair. -A beautiful naga with long, dark blue hair (with the same flower) and human upper body part and a serpent’s serpent’s lower lower body part covered covered with with violet violet scales. scales. Her tail tail has a rattles rattlesnake’s nake’s rattle to distinguish her from other nagas. She often wears a string bikini or a light blue tube top. -A giant violet rattlesnake when she’s angry or in battle mode.
Personality: Flirty, seductive, charming, artistic and intelligent. Domains: love, sex, beauty Likes: love, sex, flowers, chocolates, aromatherapy, intelligent men
Dislikes: hatred, violence, breaking her well-manicured nails, being seen and being disrespected.
Background: The Nagas of El Randomia are a race of magical snake-like people. Considered too sultry and passionate by her fellow Nagas, she was cast out. Not only she's
very beautiful, she's a great sorceress and a dispenser of effective love advice. After her death, she earned her place in the El Randomian Pantheon as a love goddess.
Mantra: NALUK LA TALEETA (na-look la ta-lee-tah)
Name: Bling-B Bling-Bling ling Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: Bling, Bling, His His Magical Magical Pigginess, Pigginess, Money Money Pig and and The Magical Magical Flying Green Pig
Description: a flying, winged, magical green little pig with a golden chain around his neck and speaks in a squeaky voice. Personality: Generous, gallant, funny, vain, perverted and yet still adorable. Highly favors good-natured slackers. Domains: money, wealth, abundance, food Likes: food, beer, attractive girls and most of all money. Dislikes: ungrateful and miserly people Function: He brings money and attracts prosperity and abundance. Background: Bling-Bling was a creation of an evil and greedy wizard. Fortunately, the magical flying green pig rebelled against his master and traveled all over El Randomia helping people earn their fortune. Because of his generous acts, he attained godhood.
Mantra: NALUK LA BLING-BLING (na-look la bling bling)
Name: Kalured Kaluredo o Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The Just Just One, The The Kick-Ass Kick-Ass Griffin, Griffin, Winged Winged Justice, Justice, The Guardian Griffin, The Aerial Ass-Kicker, Griffin of Might, The Unseen Vigilante Description: a 6 ft. muscular humanoid griffin wearing a black leather jacket with the
sentence "There's no peace without justice" written on the back, military pants and army boots. He wields wields a magical magical steel steel baseball baseball bat. Personality: tough yet wise and cunning, talks in a gruff voice Domains: justice, strength, war, strategy, heroism, power, flight Likes: Protecting the innocent, punishing the bad guys, strategy games, reading strategy books. Dislikes: assholes, heinous crimes, bad guys who get away Function: Deals with power, protection and punishing bad guys. Background: The Griffins of El Randomia are known for their strength, code of honor and legendary battle prowess. The greatest hero of the Griffin race is Kaluredo. A long time ago, Kaluredo and his vast army of Griffins drove vast armies of monsters, dark beings and evil spirits back to Badong. Kaluredo was also the one who slew the Argobluth, a colossal dragon-like beast that eats mountains. After the epic battle, Kaluredo earned his godhood. Note: Kaluredo Kaluredo is is one of several rare El Randomian Randomian Griffins Griffins born born with with wings. Winged Winged griffins are said to be destined for great things
Mantra: NALUK LA KALUREDO (na-look la ka-loo-ray-doh)
Name: Ritzo Ritzo Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Party Goblin, Goblin, The The Ritzmeister Ritzmeister
Description: A yellow goblin with an orange goatee, orange mohawk hair, nose ring on left nostril, earring on right ear, multi-colored flowered shirt, black jean shorts, brown sandals, always carries a magic liquor bottle that hold an endless supply of any beverage and a small magical streamer that acts like his magic wand or something. Sometimes he carries his magical ukulele named Betsy. Personality: very friendly, chaotic, a “class clown” and a true party animal. Domains: fun, food, liquor, happiness
Likes: Parties, food, drinks of any kind, fun, happiness, pranks, music Dislikes: sadness, depression, kill-joys, boredom Background: Of all the goblins in El Randomia, the Yellow Goblins are the friendliest. The Yellow Goblins are master merry-makers and musicians. Ritzo was once leader of the Yellow Goblin tribe. Tired of their evil neighbors in Badong, the Yellow Goblins made a long dangerous trek from the Black Desert of Badong to Achreopolis ages ago. Long revered by El Randomians for his legendary optimism and merry-making ways, Ritzo ascended to the ranks of the El Randomian gods.
Mantra: NALUK LA RITZO (na-look la reet-zoh)
Name: Zorabus Zorabus Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Shamanic Shamanic Grasshoppe Grasshopper, r, The Wise Wise One, One, Grass-Hipp Grass-Hippie, ie, Green Pacifist, Master Hopper, Chillmaster
Description: a blue anthropomorphic grasshopper with long silver hair who wears a purple bandana, multi-co multi-colored lored shirt, shirt, bead bead necklace and and blue jeans. jeans. Always smoking a magical magical long pipe that can create smoke which can transform into portals. His magical smoke can also create an atmosphere of peace. Zorabus is almost always accompanied and by his wife Odessa, a female anthropomorphic butterfly who wears a multi-colored robe. Odessa assists Zorabus in his magical workings. Personality: wise, intelligent and pacifistic. Domains: wisdom, magic, mysticism, shamanism, peace, meditation Likes: Books, traveling, smoking his pipe, peace, Mahatma Gandhi, lava lamps, yoga, meditation, music from the 70’s. Dislikes: senseless violence and fascism
Function: Deals with travel (even astral travel and inter-dimensional travel), spiritual wisdom, peace and knowledge of all sorts. He’s also a founder of his own brand of shamanism. He smokes a magical long pipe that can create portals and feelings of peace.
Background: Zorabus was born a member of the Bug Tribe, a race of insect-like people. The Bug Tribe was known for their pacifism pacifism and mystical inclinations. Zorabus was the Chief of the Bug Tribe when the Dark Lord Lord was spreading his evil across the land. It was Zorabus who guided Dude X. Machina to his destiny as El Randomia’s God-Savior. He attained his godhood through asceticism and became the Chief Advisor of the El Randomian Pantheon.
Mantra: NALUK LA ZORABUS (na-look la zo-ra-boos)
Name: Odessa Odessa Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Butterfly Butterfly Wife, Wife, Savior Savior of Marriag Marriage, e, The Midwife Midwife Goddess, Goddess, the Pillar of the El Randomian God Family Description: A butterfly woman who wears a multi-colored robe. Personality: wise, graceful and gentle Domains: marriage, relationships, family, childbirth, fertility Likes: children, cooking Dislikes: disharmony in the family Function: protects children, saves families and fixes relationships Background: As Zorabus is the grandfather, Odessa is the grandmother in the El Randomian pantheon. Odessa was one of the elders of the Bug Tribe and a very skillful midwife. Many people sought for her counsel regarding marriage and relationships. Odessa adores children so much she sacrificed her life when she defended a group of orphans from soldiers of the Dark Lord. After her death, she attained godhood.
Mantra: NALUK LA ODESSA (na-look-la oh-deh-sah)
Name: Glecko Glecko Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: Chief Chief Professor Professor Glecko, Master Master Technolog Technologist, ist, Lord Lord of
Technicians, The Marvelous Mechanic, the Grand Numerologist
Description: A man with a computer monitor for a head. He wears a lab coat, purple rubber gloves, brown pants and black shoes. Always carries a magical green check board and a silver pen that can write by itself.
Personality: Very intelligent, tends to be obsessive-compulsive. Domains: technology, science, farming, intelligence, mathematics, numerology Likes: coffee, tea, experimentation, inventing, numerology, chess and anything that involves logic. Dislikes: unknown Function: Deals with technology, farming, organization/administration skills, numerology and anything that has to do with logic and reason. Background: Glecko is a Whacklander, a race of humanoids with inanimate objects for heads. They’re known to have a knack for technology plus they possess great intelligence. Glecko happens to be the greatest of all Whacklanders. Thanks to his innovations in unlimited energy supply through electrolyte crystals, he was rewarded with a good position in the El Randomian Pantheon as god of technology.
Mantra: NALUK LA PARTUSSO GLECKO (na-look la pa-roo-so gleko)
Name: Chappy Chappy Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: Mister Mister Chappy, Chappy, Dark Dark Lord Lord of The Black Black Desert, Desert, The Smiling Smiling Death, His Chappiness
Description: A lich (magical zombie) who wears a top hat, black cape, a tuxedo with a red bowtie and and a staff staff made of of black wood wood with with a red ruby ruby encrusted encrusted in it. Sometimes Sometimes he appears as a giant floating skull surrounded by a ring of fire.
Personality: Cheerful, intelligent and polite. Often proclaims he's evil although he's lousy at being evil. evil.
Domains: death, black magic, curses, necromancy, evil(?) Likes: cake Dislikes: ??? Function: Guides souls of the dead to the afterlife, deals with matters related to death, black magic, curses and necromancy.
Background: Chappy was once an evil necromancer who transformed himself into a lich through a forbidden ritual. However, a glitch in the ritual changed his personality into one that's extremely cheerful and light-hearted. He's close friends with Dude and Kaluredo and even aids them in their battles against the forces of evil. After the original Dark Lord was slain, a new Dark Lord must be instated to maintain balance in the cosmos. Chappy volunteered to become the new Dark Lord and was delighted ever since.
Mantra: NALUK LA MISTRO CHAPPY (na-look la mis-throw chap-pee)
Name: The The Slackergod Slackergod Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: ??? Description: ??? Personality: ??? Domains: creation Likes: ??? Dislikes: ??? Function: ??? Background: It is said that eons eons ago, the Power Cosmos created the first god. The god was was omnipotent but he gets easily bored. To amuse himself, he created El Randomia. The creator god created El Randomia by thinking about it and pulling it out of his mind. After that, he left El Randomia on its own. Due to his absence and his seemingly lazy nature, he became known known as the the Slackergod. Slackergod.
Mantra: None. Even if he does have one, don’t bother summoning him.
Demi-gods and Other Supernatural Beings
Name: Cadbury Cadbury Nickname/Ali Nickname/Alias/Titl as/Title: e: The Immortal Immortal Guard Dog Dog Description: He resembles a large Rottweiler with brown brown fur. He also wears an enchanted collar adorned with white crystals and a tag bearing his name. Personality: Protective and very loyal Domains: protection Likes: Fresh bones and meat Dislikes: intruders Function: Protects the adept’s house against criminals and unwanted intruders.
Background: Cadbury is Dude X. Machina’s loyal pet hound. He died in the battle against the Dark Lord but was resurrected by the Power Cosmos and became a demi-god that protects protects the Crystal Crystal Castle Castle.. Cadbury is a household household deity deity commonly commonly invoked invoked by families families..
Names: Rogo, Togo Togo Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Ogre Baboons, Baboons, Guards Guards Of Of The Borders, Borders, The The Baboon Guards, The Bouncer Baboons, The Terrible Twins, The Ogre Baboons, Lord Protectors of Badong
Description: Both Rogo and Togo are identical in size (10 feet tall) and appearance except that Rogo has a red face and Togo has a blue face. Both of them have silver fur and bulllike horns and wear black tank tops and cycling shorts. Rogo wields a long long metal chain for binding and and whipping whipping and Togo Togo wields wields a huge sledgeha sledgehammer. mmer. Their Their voices voices are low, low, deep and always intimidating.
Personalities: very strong, very fast, very violent, slow-witted but very fearful and loyal to Kaluredo whom they consider as their boss. Domains: exorcism, protection, war, violence, retribution, fighting, haunting Likes: Fighting, guard duties and wrestling Dislikes: soft romantic music (one of the few things that can banish them due to a specific vibration it gives off) Function: Exorcism (both), protection (both), binding (Rogo), cursing (Togo), retribution (both), violence (both), they can also do poltergeist activities. They also feed on evil spirits and rogue servitors. Background: Born as twin brothers to an ogre father and a baboon demon mother, they were originally citizens of the Desert of Badong. Rogo and Togo became the most powerful monsters in Badong. Ever since Kaluredo defeated them in a wrestling match, they’ve become powerfu powerfull and fiercely fiercely loyal loyal allies allies and the El El Randomian Randomian Pantheon Pantheon conferred conferred on them them the titles Monster Protectors of Badong and Achreopolis’ Royal Guards who keep Badong’s monsters and savages from trespassing the Whacklands and Achreopolis.
Name: Captain Captain Henry “Flaming Eyes” Morkavan Morkavan Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The The Black Admiral Admiral of Badong Decription: A huge old man man with flames for eyes and a thick red beard. He owns a magical ship called the Accursed Siren that can go anywhere in El Randomia and his crew is composed of brave and nearly psychotic sailors in Achreopolis. He transports passengers from Achreopolis to any country beyond the Black Desert and back again. He has a hamsterrot perched on his shoulder (a creature with a body of a hamster and wings and head of a parrot) named Mister Wilkins. Always yells “Adventure!” Personality: Eccentric, courageous and speaks with a loud voice. Domains: travel, courage, adventure, piracy Likes: coin and cleavage! Dislikes: scurvy dogs who want to take away his money!
Function: He aids travelers and adventurers.
Background: Flaming Eyes Morkavan was a famous pirate with a courageous spir spirit it and a personal personal code of honor. He aided aided Dude Ex Machina in his fight fight against against the the Dark Lord. Lord. As a reward, he was given immortality and given the title of Admiral. NOTE: There are are no spells spells for summoning summoning Flaming Flaming Eyes Eyes Morkavan. Morkavan. However, However, a simple simple prayer and and an offering offering of hard liquor liquor would would suffice. suffice.
Name: Alyssa Alyssa Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The Comic Comic Book Goddess, Goddess, Divine Divine Matron Matron of Comics Comics Description: A beautiful woman woman with long long black hair adorned with white ribbons. She wears silver thick-framed glasses. She is dressed in a tunic-like robe. She wields a magical artist brush that that doubles doubles as a wand. wand. She’s often often accompanied accompanied by by her pet mouse Ingrid who who assists assists her. Personality: Although shy, she is very nice and very willing willing to help anyone especially especially if they’re cartoonists, comic book writers and even comic book readers. Domains: art, comics, cartooning, comic book writing Likes: comic books, cartoons Dislikes: mean people Function: Supports cartoonists, comic artists, comic writers and comic book fans. Background: Alyssa is the younger sister of Alanna. Alyssa was the first cartoonist in El Randomia. After an awe-inspiring experience with the Power Cosmos, she created the first first graphic novel. Today, comics are one of the the leading art mediums in the Surreal World. World. As a reward for her great contributions to sequential art, she was made a demi-god. Mantra: NALUK LA ALYSSA NOTE: There are are no spells spells for Alyssa. Alyssa. However, However, a mere chanting chanting of her mantra mantra or a simple simple and sincere prayer would be enough to gain her favors.
Name: Budo Budo Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The Turtle Turtle of Enlightenme Enlightenment nt
Description: An elderly turtle-man with a long white beard. He is dressed in a saffron saffron robe. He wields a staff made from a tree infused with energies of the Power Cosmos. Personality: Calm, compassionate and wise Domains: wisdom, enlightenment, compassion, peace Likes: tea, painting and playing Dai-Shung-Po, Dai-Shung-Po, a board game from Zanrala Dislikes: ? Function: Just like Zorabus, he is a dispenser of good advice. He also calms down people people with his Aura of Tranquility. Budo also helps anyone regardless of race, creed and status. status. Background: Budo was a legendary legendary sage from Zanrala, a mysterious kingdom hidden from the rest of El Randomia. Although not a god, he possesses powerful mystical mystical powers and his wisdom rivals that of Zorabus. However, Zorabus and Budo are good friends. Every week, they would play Dai-Shung-Po. There are a few temples in El Randomia dedicated to his teachings. Mantra: NALUK LA BUDO Note: There are are no spells spells for him. Mere chanting chanting of of his mantra mantra brings brings peace peace and happines happiness. s.
Name: The The Puglord Puglord Nicknames/Al Nicknames/Aliases/T iases/Titles: itles: The God of of The Puglings Puglings Description: A Pugling holding a huge hammer. Personality: Wise and full of mirth Domains: Happiness, prosperity Likes: Minced meat and potatoes Dislikes: ? Function: He brings happiness and prosperity to the home. Background: The Puglord is the god of the lovable Pugling people, a race of small and determined humanoid flat-faced dogs similar to our Pugs. It is said that he was the one who
created the Puglings. Although hardly seen in El Randomia, he still makes his presence be known by answering the prayers of his people. Mantra: There is none. The Puglings simply pray pray to their god god with simple invocations.
The Power Cosmos
The Power Cosmos is not a god. It is a force. Like the name suggests, it’s it’s the power of the cosmos. It is the very source of the gods’ divine powers and the magical energies of El Randomia. Tapping into the Power Cosmos is very difficult but with the help of the the spells in this book, at least a fraction of this awesome force can be summoned for the betterment of mankind.
The Spells
A) Th Thee Holy Holy Th Three ree –
The Holy Three, also known as the Three Holy Mantras of El Randomia, are the most important mantras in the Surreal World. They were the first mantras that came out of the Power Cosmos. To chant them is a core of El Randomian Magic.
1) The El Randomian Blessing Mantra - The most famous mantra is NALUK MODO ALTULAYT. It is said to protect the chanter from harm, empower the aura, attract blessings blessings and gaining gaining the attention attention of higher higher beings beings regardless regardless of pantheon. pantheon. It is El El Randomia’s answer to the Blue Planet’s famous Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. This mantra can be also used to consecrate objects and bless/purify people and places. Instructions: Chant NALUK MODO ALTULAYT (na-look mo-doh al-too-light) at least once. If the power power if not felt immediately, keep chanting until you feel it. Optional: visualize a white light surrounding the target which includes yourself. To bless a place, person or amulet: Chant NALUK LA MODO ALTULAYT . The LA part signifies that the chanting is meant for a target other than the chanter.
The El Randomian Blessing Mantra can be chanted verbally or mentally. It can be adapted to rituals as long long as it's pronounced correctly. The mantra, when written, written, is a sigil itself. Feel free to make talismans and amulets based on it.
2) The El Randomian Third Eye Mantra - This mantra empowers the third eye. It's good for developing and improving visualization, concentration and intuition. The mantra is BIN YORA.
3) The El Randomian Radiant Heart Mantra - This mantra empowers the heart power center. It's good for developing and improving charisma, attractiveness to the opposite sex and attracting prosperity. The mantra is TER KALA.
Instructions: These mantras must be chanted at least 3 times per session but, for beginners, I recommend chanting them at least 9 times per session each day. They can also be written as sigils for talismans.
B. The Summoning Spells
Before summoning, the adept must recite the Power Cosmos Opening Incantation. The Power Cosmos Opening Incantation “May the Power Cosmos guide me in my magical operations always and forever. NALUK MODO ALTULAYT, NALUK MODO ALTULAYT, NALUK MODO ALTULAYT”
To Attract Money and Prosperity
Bling-Bling, the green pig of prosperity, loves beer. Mentally or vocally toast an alcoholic beverage to to Bling. Bling. The toast: toast: "I toast toast this beer to Bling-B Bling-Bling ling the magical magical flying green green pig!" pig!" When you hear a squeal or see a vision of a flying green pig wearing a golden chain then
you're successful. Ask him to bring you the exact amount of money you need and when you need it. Bling likes attractive women. Just put a picture of a sexy girl in front of a piggy bank (if you're lucky, get a green piggy bank although any color will do just fine as long as it's a pig) and then invoke invoke him. When When you hear hear a squeal squeal or see a vision of a flying flying green green pig wearing a golden chain then you're successful. Ask him to bring you the exact amount of money you need and when you need it. Bling loves food. Toast your food to Bling (Ex. "I toast this bag of potato chips to BlingBling the magical flying green pig!") then eat it. When you hear a squeal or see a vision of a flying winged green pig wearing a golden chain then you're successful. Ask him to bring you the exact amount of money you need and when you need it. Bling admires generous people. Every time you donate money to a charity group, mentally say "By the power of the Magical Flying Green Pig, I donate this amount of money to charity" or “I donate this money in the name of Bling-Bling.” If you hear a squeal or saw a vision of a flying green pig wearing a golden chain, well, you get the picture.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Remember to thank him after every request. Hey, even magical pigs want respect. If mistreated or disrespected, Bling-Bling will not help unless the offender donates some money to charity in his name.
To Bring Success
For attracting success, one must invoke Dude X. Machina. Not only Dude X. X. Machina helps in ensuring success, he also destroys obstacles and makes the impossible possible. The Dude is so powerful, his mantra mantra doesn’t need NALUK. Below is a simple incantation to call upon The Dude. “I summon Dude X. Machina, God-Savior of El Randomia, to help me (insert goal). May he ensure my success always and forever. DUDE X. MACHINA, MACHINA, DUDE X. X. MACHINA, DUDE X. MACHINA.”
Protection from Evil
The El Randomian Blessing Mantra is enough to protect oneself from evil and banish the malevolent forces around him. For more more information, see Basic Mantras. Alternatively, the adept can summon the protective power of The Dude or Kaluredo. Kaluredo, like The Dude, is a warrior god. He is very very loyal and protective to his allies. If you need lots of protection, protection, he’s the one to call. Here’s Here’s his incantation incantation for for protection. protection. "Kaluredo, Guardian Griffin, protect me from evil. NALUK LA KALUREDO, NALUK LA KALUREDO, NALUK LA KALUREDO." Note: Visualiz Visualizee Kaluredo Kaluredo pointing pointing his steel bat bat of power power at you, you, strengthening strengthening your your aura and forming four golden shields around you.
To obtain Justice
If you’re truly have been wronged, Kaluredo will ensure that you will get justice. justice. Here’s an incantation for obtaining justice. “Kaluredo, Winged Justice of El Randomia, please do justice for me.” (Kaluredo mantra three times)
To Fight Crime and Punish Evil
Back in his days as a mortal adventurer, Kaluredo spent a lot of time fighting bandits that plague the the land. You can summon summon him to do do the same same for any any place. place. “Kaluredo, the Unseen Vigilante, please bring justice to to (insert name of place).” (Kaluredo mantra three times)
For Acquiring Power over Others
"Dude X. Machina and Kaluredo, please grant me power over others." ( Recite Dude mantra three times and Kaluredo mantra three times)
After the incantation, visualize Kaluredo pointing his steel bat of power at you. His magical weapon will shoot a ray of golden light at you and your aura will be strengthened by ten folds for one whole day. There will be cases where people will instantly notice you and may even be overwhelmed just by your mere presence.
For Protection of The Home Against Unwanted Intruders Acquire a statue of a dog. Recite this incantation over the statue. “In the name of Cadbury the Immortal Guard Dog, I bring you to life. I give you the duty of protecting my home from unwanted intruders.” Name the statue, display display it near the the door and treat the the statue statue as if it’s it’s alive. alive. If no longer longer wanted, simply destroy it or give it away.
To Bind and Curse One’s Enemies To summon Rogo and Togo to attack your enemies, recite the incantation while visualizing whatever kind “Rogo and Togo, Terrible Twins of the Black Desert, bind, curse and haunt my enemy (or enemies) for they deserve it for whatever offenses they committed against me. GARK RUTALA.” (pronounced as gark roo-talah) roo-talah)
To Exorcise Evil Spirits “Rogo and Togo, Lord Protectors of the Black Desert, vanquish whatever evil presence that bothers me. me. GARK RUTALA.” RUTALA.”
To Dismiss The Terrible Twins When the Terrible Twins have accomplished their goal or have caused too much trouble, simply say “By the name of your leader Kaluredo the Kick-Ass Griffin, I send you back to the Deserts of Badong, Badong, your home. VERUC VESHULAC.” VESHULAC.” Either that or play soft romantic music.
WARNING: Rogo and Togo are dangerous and chaotic beings. They should always be dismissed when the request has been fulfilled or else they will wreck havoc everywhere they go.
To Gain Knowledge in Malevolent Magic Mister Chappy is a dark god. However, he is not totally evil. In fact, he’s a very jolly fellow and quite easy to get along with. However, if you really want to gain his favors, you must always offer him pastries and desserts. One important note: he loves cake. “Mister Chappy, Dark Lord Lord of The Black Desert. Please grant me knowledge knowledge of malevolent magic. NALUK LA MISTRO MISTRO CHAPPY, NALUK LA MISTRO CHAPPY, CHAPPY, NALUK LA MISTRO MISTRO CHAPPY CHAPPY.” .”
To Curse Your Enemies with Mister Chappy Unlike Rogo and Togo, summoning Mister Chappy to curse your enemies does not have side effects. However, an offering of cake must must be made. made. The bigger or more expensive the cake, the more effective the curse will be. As for incantations, just make make your own prayer to to Mister Mister Chappy, Chappy, describe describe what kind of curse curse do you you want and chant his his mantra mantra three times at the end.
For Guidance through The Afterlife “Mister Chappy, Smiling Death. Please guide me through life after life.” (Chappy mantra three times)
For Happiness and Successful Merry-making Ritzo is a god of mirth. He is the best to matters matters related to happiness and celebrations. “Ritzmeister, please fill my life with happiness and my celebrations with joy. NALUK LA RITZO, NALUK LA RITZO, NALUK LA RITZO”
To Become One with Nature To increase one’s empathy and rapport to plants, animals and other things of nature, one can simply chant her mantra “NALUK LA ALANNA” as many times as the adept wants. The adept may also receive blessings from nature. If given offerings, Alanna may may share secrets on enchantment and things of nature.
For Inspiration When it comes to music, it’s either either Ritzo or Alanna. When it comes to art, Alanna Alanna is recommended. You are free to make your own incantations as long as the mantras of the appropriate gods are chanted three times at the end.
To Attract Romantic Love To attract romantic love into one’s life, here’s an incantation to El Randomia’s love goddess Taleeta the Love Naga. “Taleeta, Love Naga Goddess, please bring forth forth romance into my life. life. NALUK LA TALEETA, NALUK LA TALEETA, NALUK LA TALEETA.” Alternatively, you can also summon Alanna for a more wholesome romance. Make your own prayer and chant her mantra three times at the end.
To Attract a Specific Person “Taleeta the Lovely One, fill (target’s name) with great love for me.” (Taleeta mantra three times)
To Make Men or Women Lust for You “Taleeta the Voluptuous One, enchant the object (or objects) of my desire with great lust for me.” (Taleeta mantra three times)
To Beautify One’s Self “Taleeta, Bestower of Loveliness, Loveliness, please make me stunningly beautiful.” (Taleeta mantra three times)
Any Other Concerns Regarding Romantic Love Lets face it, love (espe (especially cially romantic love) is a very complicated thing. If you have desires that don’t seem to match the other love incantations, just make your own prayer and chant Taleeta’s mantra three times at the end.
To Gain Secret Knowledge When it comes to secret knowledge, Zorabus the Shamanic Grasshopper is the best. “Peace and salutations, Zorabus the Shamanic Grasshopper. Please give me secret knowledge regarding (enter subject). NALUK LA ZORABUS, NALUK NALUK LA ZORABUS, ZORABUS, NALUK LA ZORABUS ZORABUS.” .”
For Peace of Mind “Peace and salutations, Green Green Peacemaker. Please help me put my mind at ease. NALUK LA ZORABUS, NALUK LA ZORABUS, NALUK LA ZORABUS.”
For A Safe and Trouble-Free Travel “Peace and salutations, Master Hopper. Please ensure that my travel to (name of destinarion) is save and free from problems. NALUK LA ZORABUS, ZORABUS, NALUK LA ZORABUS, NALUK LA ZORABUS.”
Note: If If successful successful in summoning, summoning, the adept adept shall shall either either smell smell smoke smoke or hear Zorabus greet “Peace and salutations, man.” A feeling of peace can be felt from this being. Talk to him, give him request or whatever. Thank him afterwards.
For Health “Nurse Winmay, please make my body strong and healthy. NALUK LA NARSA WINMAY, NALUK LA NARSA WINMAY, NALUK LA NARSA WINMAY”
As for healing specific diseases and ailments, rub some menthol balm or ointment on the third eye region of the forehead. Call her out by saying "Nurse Winmay, please heal me" before going going to sleep. sleep. You could could also rub rub some balm or ointment ointment on your third-eye third-eye region and then say "Nurse Winmay, please heal me". Visualize Winmay (or at least a 12 12 inch ball of bright bright light light with with blue wings) wings) entering entering your your body via via the rubbed rubbed area (it (it acts as a portal for Winmay) Winmay) and and destroying destroying the sickness sickness.. Always Always chant her her mantra mantra three times times after after each time.
The Power Cosmos Invocation for General Purposes If none of the spells above is appropriate for the adept’s desire, this incantation to the Power Cosmos can be used. While reciting this incantation, mentally think of your desires. “Oh Power Cosmos, please bless me with everything that is good and I will gladly welcome them into my life. NALUK MODO MODO ALTULAYT, NALUK MODO MODO ALTULAYT, NALUK MODO ALTULAYT.”
El Randomian God Offering Table
If the adept wishes to gain favors from the deities by giving them offerings, this table may be of great great help.
Dude X. Machina Alanna Winmay Taleeta Bling-Bling
Noodle soup Music, flowers Honey, menthol balm Flowers, chocolates, scented candles Beer or any liquor, food, pictures of
Kaluredo Ritzo Zorabus Odessa Glecko Chappy The Slackergod
beautiful beautiful women women Anything related to fighting Beer or any liquor, dance music Incense Bread, sweet food Coffee, tea Cake, any pastry If you insist to know, he loves fried chicken.
NOTE: The The adept is is does not not have to follow the the exact instructi instructions ons in this this grimoire. grimoire. In fact, fact, he or she is free to experiment. I have successfully invoked these beings even without mantras or material offerings. Constant experimentation and documenting the effects is strongly recommended. Stick to whatever works and discard the rest.
C. The El Randomian Entrance Ritual
To enter El Randomia, one must chant the El Randomian blessing mantra NALUK MODO ALTULAYT before entering a meditative state for the sake of protection and gaining the deities' permission to enter. Visualize a purple portal adorned with mushrooms that flash colors by random. They are called Astral Mushrooms and eating them can make astral traveling to El Randomia easier. The portal to El Randomia can be very bumpy. In your visualization, pick up a mushroom and swallow it. Visualize yourself walking through the portal. portal. Instantly, Instantly, you find find yourself yourself floating floating in the sky of of El Randomia. Randomia. Before Before you, you, you see a floating white crystal castle guarded by armies of anthropomorphic griffins wearing brown leather leather jackets jackets and armed armed with with steel steel baseball baseball bats. Three of the griffins griffins will will approach you. Just state your name and your intention for visiting ER. The three griffins will escort you to Achreopolis, the kingdom below the crystal castle. If you wish to visit the crystal castle just politely ask the griffin soldiers to escort you there. When entering the castle, the first room you enter is a great hallway filled with people and fantastic creatures such as Nagas, Yellow Goblins, Pixies, Griffins and anthropomorphic animals. On the walls of the hallway are twelve chambers. Whatever you're seeking, you may find it in any of the chamber especially if it’s mystical secrets of El Randomia in the form of libraries. You may also speak to the people there. Who knows what you might learn there. You can visit Achreopolis. It's a semi-modern city filled with humans and fantasy beings like the ones in the Crystal Castle except they're just commoners. The city looks like any modern city except its electricity is from blue electronite crystals and most of the vehicles are steam-powered.
You can also visit the rural Whacklands. There, you find simple villages similar to Tolkien's Shire. The majority of the citizens are bizarre people with various inanimated objects for heads. Majority of the Whacklanders are farmers and inventors. They are very friendly and will treat you well. The Black Desert of Badong is the last place to visit and the one place you wouldn't want to visit. A giant wall separates the black desert and the rest rest of El Randomia for a good reason. The black desert is home to Nub-Sabogs, caveman-like savages with black, leathery hides who attack anything. Ogres, demons, giant scorpions and all sorts of evil spirits also dwell there. It is a place filled with death and peril. To exit El Randomia, chant NALUK MODO ALTULAYT, visualize the purple portal (you don't have to eat an Astral Mushroom this time) and enter it. Open your eyes slowly and you're back in your own world.
Thus we reach the end of this grimoire. I hope that you find the secrets in this arcane book useful. Whatever happens, may may your life life be enriched with with blessings. NALUK LA LA MODO MODO ALTULAYT.
