Exodus
By C1ank
Exodus (Part 1)
Seventy descendants of Jacob show up in Egypt, and you know what, it was p retty damn sick. So they decided to stay. The time between Exodus and Genesis is kinda blurry, so this was either like 40 years later, or 350. Either way, old Pharaoh that gave Joseph all his crazy amounts of power was dead. The Israelites were le sad ‘bout this. Namely, because new Pharaoh was a dick. A giant, floppy ugly dick. He wanted to thin the herd when it came to the Israelites. In fairness, the Israelites measured greater in number than the Egyptians by this point, but he didn’t have to go being an ass about it. He could have asked them to leave, or taxed the hell out of them, but instead he sent out his goons to round up a bunch of them. He had them all put into slavery, but they were damn hard workers and got all their jobs done in a couple years, so he had to basically think of a faster and more efficient way of killing them off. So he had the midwives kill any baby boy born to an Israelite woman. Midwives, “lol nope.” Yeah, they didn’t go along along with that. Pharaoh Pharaoh asked them why he kept seeing baby Israelite Israelite boys everywhere, and the midwives basically said, “Dem Israelite women, keep poppin’ em out before we can even get there to assist.” Which was bullshit, but hey, good for them. God rewarded them with houses. houses. Now God gets a ton of credit in Exodus, but for the most part, He didn’t literally show up and do things. Like the hardening of Pharaoh’s heart and whatnot that comes later, that’s more a statement on how God allows all things to come to pass, and causes all things to come to pass, so technically being that He made EVERYTHING he gets credit for most of what happens. So I’m gonna say “God did this or that” every so often, but really, that’s not a literal statement more so the Bible just saying, “Hey, God, good job with making sure those midwives got rewards. That was cool. I mean I know it i t was technically a bunch of Israelites pooling what resources they have to return the favor to the ladies, but hey, you invented humanity so again, thanks.” Anyway, I digress. Pharaoh Pharaoh was kinda pissed about about all these ankle biters still running around with their little circumcised willies and whatnot, so he went one step further and told everyone to chuck any Israelite boy they could find into the Nile. They su cceeded, which really sucked unless you were a baby girl, gi rl, or one boy in particular. A Levite kid, which no other than Pharaoh’s own daughter found floating in the river. Calling upon the kid’s mother, which turns out wasn’t very hard to figure out, she had the woman Nurse him until he was old enough for the Pharaoh’s daughter to adopt him. She named him Moses. Fast forward a few years, Moses is a young man, walking through the city. He witnesses an Egyptian beating on a Hebrew pretty hard. Moses checked for haters, then jumped that
suckah and killed him. The Hebrew ran off, and Moses hid the body in the sand. Should’ve maybe thought to tell the Hebrew not to go around telling people, because the next day, he was in the same area and saw two Hebrews fighting. Moses, “Yo, dawg, whassup? Why y’all fightin’?” Hebrew, “Shut up, stop trying to talk like you’re from the hood, rich boy. And who made you king anyway? You gonna kill me like you you killed that Egyptian?” Egyptian?” Moses, “OH SNAP!” Well, the Hebrews weren’t the only people who knew. knew. Pharaoh was mad pissed. Moses realized it was time to get the hell out of dodge and split town. He ends up helping a bunch of fine ladies with a shepherd problem, meets their dad, and shacks up with them. One of the daughters marries him, which was pretty rad. So Moses was tending a flock one day at the base of Mount Sinai (remember that one for later) one day when bam, he thinks he must have eaten some bad curds or something because it really looks like this bush in front of him is on fire. But it’s i t’s not burning. Either Moses is tripping balls or this is i s some biblical happenings in action. Tunrs out it’s option number two. God speaks to him through the bush, which I’m going to assume was a blackberry bush, since we all know God isn’t really an apple guy. God, “Moses, my man, what’s happening?” Moses, “AHHH EVIL TALKING BUSH! HAVE MERCY ON ME OH GREAT SHRUBBERY!” God, “Moses I...” Moses, “OH GOD I’M GOING TO BE MURDERED BY AN EVIL BUSH!” God, “Moses, shuddup, you’re worse than Lot I swear to Me. Just listen up, I’ve got big plans for the whole ‘religion’ thing. There are going to be big changes. Rules, and shit. But first I kinda promised your ancestors that I’d give them a ton of awesome land. Haven’t gotten around to that, I’ve been busy, but now I think would be a good time. So I want you to free your people and deliver them unto the Promised Land.” Moses, “Where’s that?” God, “Canaan.” Moses, “Oh, ok then. How?” God, “See that stick you’ve got?” Moses, “Yeah?” God, “KABLAM, check it, it’s a snake now.” Moses didn’t hear that part because he was too busy pissi ng himself with fear while
running around waving what had been his staff but was now a very pissed off and confused asp. God turned it back into a staff. God, “I’m great with that kind of stuff. You just show up, tell everyone what to do, and I’ll handle the convincing part. Just keep that staff. And your brother is coming, too. Aaron, he’ll handle the fancy talk. You just show up, look good, and try not to piss yourself next time I break out some sick moves.” Moses started to protest, but this was a burning bush capable of turning sticks into snakes and talking, so Moses kinda shut the hell up after a minute and just nodded and said ok. So Moses found his father in law, showed him the staff tricks and convinced him that he was on the up and up, not batshit crazy. Moses, taking his leave, headed out for Egypt, having been further informed by God that the men who wanted to whack him were dead. So Moses shows up in Egypt, gets his crew of Israelite elders together, and walks right into the pallace. Moses wasn’t even asking for freedom, he wanted three days to take his p eople to Mount Sinai and feast in honor of God. But Pharaoh was a royal ass-douche, and refused, saying if they had time to feast, they had time to work harder, and gave orders to make the slaves lives that much more difficult. People weren’t too happy about that part. Moses, “God, I did what you said but it didn’t work!” God, “Son of a...fine, that little shit doesn’t want to let my chosen homies go, I’ll bust a divine cap in his royal ass. I’ve had a few ‘Wrath of God’ moves I’ve been itching to use since I blew up Sodom and Gomorrah. Tell him I’m coming for him. God out!” TL;DR Egyptians get pissed that the Hebrews run everything, make them slaves, baby
Moses lucks out and survives as an adopted member of the royal family. He grows up, kills a dude in Egyptian Fight Club, splits town. Moses gets married, God shows up in a bush, and Moses goes to save everyone back home. Pharaoh is unimpressed, God preps his greatest smackdown.
Exodus (Part 2)
Before delving into the really juicy stuff, let's recap some lineage. Ok so Noah has a son named Shem, his grandson is Eber. Eber has a son named Peleg. Peleg has a son named Reu. Reu has a kid, names him Serug. Serug begets Nahor. Nahor has a kid named Terah, who has three kids and one is named Abram. Abram changes his name to Abraham, has two two notable sons, sons, doesn’t care so much much for the first and and the second is named Isaac. Isaac has a couple sons, one is hairy, the other clever. The clever one is named Jacob, God changes his name to Israel, but everyone still calls him Jacob. He has a son that he’s bananas for named Joseph, and another son named Levi who he thinks is kinda a scoundrel because he was too badass for everyone to handle. Joseph does some cool stuff, and meanwhile Levi has a kid named Kohath. Kohath got busy and made Amram. Amram then had a kid and shoved him in the nile and we call that kid MOSES! HAHA! YES! So, to simplify, Noah is i s Moses’s Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandfather. Still with me? Great, back to the good stuff now. So God tells Moses to go to the Israelites and tell them all will be well, God has their back, and they just need to wait things out. But they didn’t really listen, as it was hard to hear preaching when you’re being whipped and beaten by slavers. So God tells Moses to caution Pharaoh, telling him if he doesn’t sort his shit out, there will be hell to pay. Moses, though, is pretty worried because he isn’t very verbally imposing. He has a speech impediment that leaves him stuttering and struggling with language most days. Especially when nervous, like when he has to threaten a Pharaoh. God, “Leave the talking to your brother then, jees, do I have to d o everything?” So God teaches Aaron how to do all the cool stuff like turning the rod into the snake and stuff. So they bust into the Pharaoh’s palace to intimidate him with God’s power. Moses, “Check it bitch, SNAKE STICK!” Moses turned the stick into a snake. Pharaoh, “Huh, cool.” Moses, “so you’ll let my people go?” Pharaoh, “Nah I’m good. Nice snake though. What is that, a cobra?” Moses, “I think it might actually be an asp...” Pharaoh, “Nice. Hey, royal magicians, make sticks into snakes.”
Magicians, “Yeah, alright, we were bored anyway. Alakazam, now these rods are snakes.’ And they were, but God’s God’s snake was more badass, badass, and ate all all their snakes. Suck it, it, Egyptian snakes be pussies. God hardened Pharaoh’s heart (not actually, this is one of those gets credit despite not being there things), and Pharaoh was all, “Meh, I’ve seen better. They’re still slaves.” So they wait, and when Pharaoh went to his morning bath in the river, Moses showed up with Aaron. Moses, “Aaron, HIT IT!” Aaron stuck the the rod into the river, and and the river turned to blood. Pharaoh was all like “Waaaaah?” Fish died, the whole place stank, mosquitos rejoiced as God had delivered unto them nirvana. But then the magicians made water turn red as well, so Pharaoh was all “Pfft, Hebrew God ain’t got no skills!” and his heart hardened. Likely too much cholesterol. So they summoned a plague of frogs, which was a bad idea because Egyptians eat frogs so it wasn’t all that scary. The magicians also made frogs show up a lot, dunno how, but they did, so Pharaoh asked Moses to prove it was God doing it by asking God to make them disappear the next day at the exact moment of being asked to get rid of them. So they pulled that move off, but Pharaoh didn’t like them calling his calling of the supposed bluff, so he still said no to letting the Israelites go and worship (again, this wasn’t about slavery, it was about the right to worship three days a year) So they threaten to unleash a plague of flies and locusts. Locusts, not a big d eal, again, Egyptians eat those too. But the flies would suck. Moses called on them, and Aaron shook the rod to make them show up. It was pretty gross. Pharaoh, while swatting constantly, “Fine, fine...pfft really, in my mouth, blech... go and pray somewhere I don’t care.” Moses, “Outside Egypt?” Pharaoh, “No, in Egypt.” Moses, “MORE FLIES!” Pharaoh, “Fine, fine, outside Egypt.” So the flies went away. Pharaoh, “PSYCH! I lied, I’m not letting you leave.” In all these situations, God is sparing Goshen, where the Israelites live. Moses ups the ante,
and takes some pitch from a kiln. He blows it into the air, and it fills the sky, coming down on all the men and animals of Egypt and giving them horrible sores and stuff. So now there’s the remnants of the flies, bunch of dead frogs everywhere, a bloody river, and everyone is covered in open sores. Ikky stuff, to be sure. But Pharaoh was a true asshat and still wouldn’t let them leave to worship. So God tells moses to tell Pharaoh to “Let His people go!”. Pharaoh, of course, has a heart of adamantium and refuses. So God brings the rain, and brings it hard. Rock hard, to be exact, as he brings hailstorms so bad they wipe out all the crops and kill any person or animal left outside. Moses went around warning people, and anyone who was a true God fearing individual would bring their stuff inside, otherwise they were assholes and ignored the warnings. Moses ends the hail and the lightning with a wave of his hand, and Pharaoh is all like, “So what, that’s like calling when a crosswalk is gonna start, it’s just random. You didn’t do that. Screw off Moses.” Moses, “That’s what we’re all trying to do, just screw off! And just for three days, you horse’s ass!” TL;DR Moses is the descendant of Noah and all the important people thus far. He gets some
fancy powers, screws with the Pharaoh, turns a river into blood, brings tons of flies, tons of frogs, tons of grossness, then tons of hail. None of it works because Pharaoh is the lord of all douchenozzles.
Exodus (Part 3)
Moses brings more plagues, this time bigger bugs, and Pharaoh agrees to meet with him to talk. Pharaoh, “okay, okay, you’ve proved you can be a royal pain in the royal hindquarters. Who do you want to be allowed to leave for the three days?” d ays?” Moses, “Well, the sons.” Pharaoh, “Okay.” Moses, “And daughters.” Pharaoh, “Kay I think I can work with the kids going.” Moses, “And the mothers.” Pharaoh, “Uh...” Moses, “And the elderly and the young and the flocks and the donkeys and the herds.” Pharaoh, “So... everyone?” Moses, “Yeah.” Pharaoh, “Shove off, ya hoser. Your people stay!” So that didn’t work out well. Leave it to Moses to bug up negotiations. So God decided things were looking too bright for the Egyptians, and he brought darkness over the land. It was nighttime forever. It was terrible, unbearable. Like the suffering would never end. It was like living in Alaska. So Pharaoh said fine, take your people, but leave your livestock behind. Moses said no dice, and said that he didn’t know what sort of stuff God wanted sacrificed to him so they had to bring ALL the livestock in case God had the munchies hardcore. Pharaoh, “That’s it, next time you see my face, I’m going to straight up murder your ass.” God told Moses, later on, that the final plague was coming. All Moses had to do was instruct the Israelites to ask their Egyptian neighbors for gold and silver. God had the Egyptians agree to do so, and the Israelites built up some wealth rather quickly. Continuing, Moses returned to the Pharaoh. Moses, “I got the skinny from God. He’s gonna kill every first born son in Egypt if you don’t let his people go.” Pharaoh, “Sucks for your firstborn sons then.” Moses, “Not Israelite sons, asshat.” Pharaoh, “Oh, so only Egyptian sons?”
Moses, “Yeah, how you like dem apples?” Pharaoh, “You’re bluffing, now leave, I have ‘walk like an Egyptian’ penciled in for three o’clock and I don’t want to be late.” Moses stormed off, rightfully pissed. Moses, “By Noah’s grizzly drunken beard I hate that guy.” So Moses instructed all the men and women of the tribes to p rotect themselves by slaughtering their lambs and putting the blood on their doors. If they did this, God’s crazy awesome wrath would pass over them. Pass over. Passover. So that’s where that comes from. So God tells Moses it’s time to stop asking and just go. After all the sons are dead, the Israelites eat their bread before it leavens, hence the unleavened bread thing, because they were in a hurry, then they prep to skip town. It had been 430 years since si nce pretty much any Israelite had left Egypt. It was a big deal. So they start to leave. God instructs Moses on some rules for how to be good worshipers and followers of his religion. It dealt mostly with when and what to sacrifice to make God a happy camper. Moses was all, “Okey Dokey, Lorderino!” TL;DR Pharaoh sucks at negotiating, but Moses sucks harder. Eventually God kills all of
Egypt’s firstborn sons and the Israelites stop waiting and just leave. God satisfies his lamb centric munchies.
Exodus (Part 4)
So Moses and his people were free. God, “Yo, Moses, now that you have your people out of Egypt, I have some moves I think we may be able to bust out. Camp your crew by the sea. You’ll know what to do when the time comes.” Moses, “But we’ve got a clear shot, we can go around it. Why wait?” God, “Seriously, dude, I’ve got this. You’re gonna love it. Trust me.” Moses shrugged and said sure. So he passed on the word to the tribes and they started for the sea. God guided them around the Sea of Reeds, towards the Red Sea, using a piller of clouds during the day (giving them some lovely shade) and a pillar of fire at night (scaring most of them shitless). They made camp by the sea. It was right around here when the Pharaoh stopped grieving over his dead first born son, looked around, and went “hey hold on where are all those damn Hebrews?” Well Pharaoh was crazy furious about this. His work force had had just up and walked away, away, and that was so not Raven. Pharaoh gathered his army, and riding along with them in his chariot, he charged across the lands in pursuit of the Israelites. The Israelites are freaking out, as over the horizon a biblical zerg rush is crashing down upon them. Isrealites, “Moses, you suck! You brought us into the shitiest of p ossible camping sites. We have nowhere to run!” God, “Hey, Moses-with-the-mostes, rod, now.” So Moses raised his Rod into the air, and the Red Sea burst open. I don’t wanna wax lyrical about how awesome this was for too long, but suffice it to say, this was one of the more impressive moves ever pulled off in the Old or New Testament. Moses was sufficiently impressed. So the Israelites start running along the bottom of the Red Sea. God puts the Egyptian chariots into park, and while they try to get their wheels back into gear the Israelites get a good head start. Eventually the chariots get moving again. Bad news for the Israelites. Or so it seems. God has their back, you see, and right as the Israelites reach the end and the Egyptians are about halfway through, God closes up the sea, swallowing up the Egyptian forces. Moses, while waving in a celebratory manner, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Not gonna be slaves next time, not gonna be slaves next time!”
The Hebrews rejoiced, singing songs to God and praising Him. Well the praise didn’t last long. Three days later, later, there was no water water in sight. Israelites, “Mooooseeeeessss, where’s the waaaaaterrrrrr.” Moses, “There’s water when there’s water! Don’t make me turn this Exodus around!” Israelites, “But we’re thiiiiiirsty!” Moses, “Fine, I’ll ask God.” God, “Yeah, it’s cool, I was listening. Check that salty water over there. It’s fresh now. Dig in.” So they all went bananas for some water that was previously utter crap. God, “Yeah, just keep being faithful to me, and six days from now I’ll make it rain bread. It’s all good.” So food, gradually, starts raining down. A ton of Quail show up one d ay, so that was a hearty dinner for all, and the next day the morning dew was replaced with manna. I imagine mages and healers rejoiced. But in any case, everyone only took what they needed, and no more. It was pretty decent. So they wandered the desert like this for ages, living mostly off manna. At one point, some baddies attacked them, but so long as Moses held up his hands the Israelites kept winning. Once he got tired, his brother and sister held up his hands for him. It was a tender moment, amidst a bunch of people shanking each other with spears and stuff. The baddies were the Amalek, who were douchebags. By the end of the fight, with Moses’s right hand man Joshua kicking ass left and right, God came down and told Moses he was tired of this Amalek bruhaha, and wanted Moses to take down a memo for God to remind him to wipe out the Amalek some day. He couldn’t right then though, Biblical Fraser was on. TL;DR UNDAH DA SEA, UNDAH DA SEA! Life is much better, with Pharaoh much wetter,
dead with his army! Up on the shore Israel plays, while the bad guys drown for days. The Hebrews are dancin’, the children are prancin’, and Pharaoh’s under the sea!!!
Exodus (Part 5)
The next part of Exodus really get’s down to business. Moses reunites with his father in law and his wife and his kids at Mt. Sinai. Big mountain, nice views, lovely valley beneath it. Pretty cool digs. Anyway, they all all have a good time. Probably had some some waffles, reminisced, Jethro Jethro (father in law) probably had some questions about where all the thousands of Israelites Moses had in tow were from. So they chatted and caught up. Joseph, Moses’s main buddy after his big bro Aaron, hung out some too. So now Moses is essentially the president. People keep coming to him with problems. No popo back then, so the law was up to Moses to decide. He spent a lot of time listening out petty disputes, like who owned that goat kept by the south tents, or deciding the proper way to play parcheesi. Anyway, it was pretty boring, so Moses had the tribes move toward the wilderness at the base of Mt. Sinai. Jethro hung back, and was all like, “Nice congregation, but I’ve got a goat I’ve been meaning to cook up so I’ ll see y’all later.” It had been three months since Moses and his crew left Egypt, and God told Moses that so long as the people kept the faith, and followed the rules, they’d be God’s chosen bros for the rest of time. A nation of priests, a holy nation. Moses told the people this. The people, “OH EFF YEAH GO GOD!” God told Moses to set up a perimeter peri meter around the mountain, so nobody could get onto it. Moses did so, and God said that in three days he was going to show up, in all his glory, at the top, and some cool shit would go down. So three days go by, and Mt. Sinai may as well have been Pompei, because it was all up in flames, thunder and lightning, horns blowing. It was a bitchin’ light show. And into it all, Moses walked. What a baller. At the top of the mountain, Moses Moses met God. None of that wishy washy washy burning bush crap, the divine OP was right there, waiting for him. God, “Ok, listen up dude cus I’m only gonna say this once. Here are the rules you have to follow. There are only ten, so if you guys screw them up, I’ve got no sympathy.” They were as follows: 1. I the Lord am your God. (First (F irst rule, I am the boss) 2. You shall have no other gods besides Me. You shall not create any sculpted image, or
likeness of what is in the heavens above, or on the earth below, or in the waters under the earth. You shall not bow to them or serve them. (Second rule, I AM THE BOSS)
3. You shall not swear falsely by the Name of your Lord God. ( Third rule,, If you’re gonna
swear by me, mean it.) 4. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy. (Fourth rule, in six days I made everything, and
and on the seventh day I had a breather. You guys should do the same) 5. Honour your father and your mother. (Fifth rule,be nice to your mom and dad. They dealt
with your baby poop, they deserve your respect) 6. You shall not murder. (Sixth rule, yeah, pretty much that...) 7. You shall not commit adultery. (Seventh rule, if you like it then you gotta put a ring on it.) 8. You shall not steal. (Eighth rule, DIVINE DRM) 9. You shall not bear false witness. (Ninth rule, don’t lie when the truth is needed) 10. You shall not covet anything that is your neighbors. (Tenth rule, don’t go wishing for
your fellow man’s stuff. stuff. Be happy they have have what they need, and and have faith God God will provide the opportunity to get what you need) Moses received these from the mouth of God and brought them down from the mountain and told them to the people. A more detailed interpretation of the Ten Commandments will be brought up at a later time, in a separate reading. TL;DR Moses reached Mt. Sinai three months after leaving Egypt and met with God, who
gave him some rules telling the Israelites to worship God and be excellent to each other.
Exodus (Part 6)
So Moses and God, with the ten big laws set and done, get down to business drafting up a more in depth rulebook. They draft up laws concerning the following issues: Slavery, homicide, striking a parent, kidnapping, insulting a parent, assault, how to deal with homicidal animals, theft, damage to livestock and crops, bailment(possession of property), seduction, sorcery, wronging the disadvantaged, lending, apostasy (renouncing religion, so essentially atheism), fair treatment of enemies, judicial integrity, duties to God, the disadvantaged, false charges, bribery, oppression of strangers, sabbatical year for crops, the sabbath, the mention of other gods, and finally the Three Pilgrimage Festivals and the First Fruits. Now all that took forever. There are dozens of pages summed up in that one paragraph. But they all go as you expect. And you wanna know why you expect it? Because they became ingrained in the Abrahamic traditions of the world. If you are reading this and grew up anywhere Christianity, Islam, or Judaism are dominant, then likely your own moral code was shaped by generations of adherence to the above listed paragraph. Beastiality, kidnapping, murder, stuff like that? Bad, don’t do it. Other things, well, not as harsh of punishments, but still bad. The final two do need some explaining though. The Three Pilgrimage Festivals were Passover, Shavuot (meaning Weeks) and Sukkot (meaning Tents). Passover is of course the celebration of God not wasting the Hebrews when He was busy busting a divine cap in the collective ass of Egypt. Shavuot celebrates the anniversary of receiving all the rules from God. Sukkot is a similar festival, involving a pilgrimage to Jerusalem (eventually). First Fruits deals with giving God the first reaping of any harvest. The section ends with God telling the Israelites that he will send an angel to guide them to a place he had prepared. With all the business of forming a religion done and over with, God was going to throw the Israelites a huge ass party on his dime. They obeyed the Angel, and followed it to a pretty wonderful place not far from where they had been. There they made camp, and Moses was instructed to write down all that had been decided, then dictate the laws to the people. He di d, they all agree, clicked accept on the terms and conditions, and everything was finalized. They had all just created Judaism together. Hooray! God summoned all the key players, except for Aaron, together and they all drank and ate in his presence. It was pretty rad, the food was really good, the wine was great, and the
company was about as good as you could ever hope for. Everyone had a great time. Eventually, Moses got up, and went up the mountain, which was in the clouds so nobody could see the top. The peak lit up, like there were a great fire, and they knew that Moses was hangin’ with God. He stayed up there for 40 days and 40 nights. TL;DR Moses and God work out the details of organized religion, Moses writes them all
down, everyone agrees, and they throw a sick party with a cool light show on top of the mountain. Moses and God thrown a rager party for 40 days and 40 nights.
Exodus (Part 7)
Continuing on with the nitty gritty details. God is pretty pleased with the Israelites. It’s not even been a year since they had escaped Egypt and they had not only a pretty sick nation going, but they had a solid religion with a code and laws. But now they needed a house of worship, where the presence of God could be felt by all. The Tabernacle. Now, if you’re from Quebec, that word is typically just a colourful swear(reappropriated from this original meaning), but in this case, it was the temple in which God would dwell. He had very particular tastes, turns out, so he instructed the Hebrews to gather the following: Gold, silver, copper, colored yarns, fine linen, goats’ hair, tanned ram skins, acacia wood, oil, spices, lapis lazuli, and other fine stones were on the list of things he wanted. All that would be needed to make His thoroughly pimped out crib. He also told them to make the Ark of the Covenant, which would be made of acacia wood with gold covering it and two solid gold cherubim (winged angels) on top to decorate it. Inside they would place the Ten Commandments. God told them how to make a menorah, and told them which cloths to use to make the tent that would be the Tabernacle. He detailed the wood floors and the fine linen to be used to cordon off the Tabernacle. He detailed all sorts of stuff, until his final product looked pretty darn nice. God was pleased. TL;DR On today’s episode of Cribs, we check out God’s sick Tabernacle. Oooh damn check
them satin sheets. And that Ark of the Covenant? MIGHTY FINE! Stuck some mutha-flippin cherubim on that bitch!
Exodus (Part 8)
Things aren’t over with when it comes to the details of how to worship God. He want’s his priests to look as utterly pimped out as his Tabernacle does. So he instructs them on the finer aspects of style. He has the Israelites gather oil so that they can keep the lamps burning in the Tabernacle at all times. He instructs the Israelites on how to best perform rituals involving the sacrifice of goats and oxen, as well as unleavened bread. He instructed the blood of these sacrifices to be put in very particular places including on the horns of the beasts, on the altars, and even behind the ears of the priests. It’s worth noting here Aaron and his sons were big time involved in the Tabernacle and Aaron himself was head priest. God promises to meet and greet with the Israelites any time they need inside the Tabernacle. He’s going to hang out there, in spirit, and will always be listening. He then instructed Moses to make the Golden Altar, which was made of acacia wood and, you guessed it, Gold. TL;DR Priests get some cool duds and some unlucky goats get their blood put various
places.
Exodus (Part 9)
Here’s where the real shit goes down like you wouldn’t believe. But first, we have to jump back a bit. Moses goes up the mountain where God gives him two stone tablets carved by the finger of God, describing the ten commandments. Moses was pretty impressed, and figured they would look good in the Ark of the Covenant. Great place to store them. Anyway, he starts to make his way back down the mountain. But while he was up there, some shit was going down in the camp. Israelites, “Aaron, we have nothing to pray to. Give us a God to pray to!” Now most of these guys grew up worshiping God through idols of various forms. The idea of NOT using an idol, but instaed having priests and a temple and a covenant, was foreign to most of them. So when they were asking Aaron to make them a God, they were asking him in reality to make him an idol. Back then, idols and God’s were basically one and the same. The idols weren’t holy relics or icons, they were the physical embodiment of God. Anyway, so they wanted that. Even Even though it was one one of the Ten Commandments Commandments to NOT have that. So Aaron, being a total dick, gathers up a ton of gold and makes a cow statue and they all pray to it. God tells Moses this is happening. God, “I am going to smite their asses. I told them the rules like last week! How could they forget already!? There are only ten of them!” Moses, “No, God, please, don’t kill them all. Let me deal with it.” God, “...kay.’ So Moses went down to the camp, where he overheard some noise. He assumed it was battle over the use of the idol, but it turns out, everyone was just having a big party “in the name of God”, but that God just happened to be a big golden cow. Moses smashed the tablets, and charged into camp screaming his lungs out. Moses, “YOU FREAKING MORONIC PILES OF FILTH HOW DARE YOU BE SO DAMN STUPID?!?!” Aaron, “Uh...hi Moses...” Moses...” Moses, “Did you do this?!” Aaron, “Kinda?” Moses stormed to the gates of the camp, rallied all who were still loyal to God, and together they killed a total of 3,000 people who had worshipped the golden calf. Yeah...don’t mess
with Moses. Those they didn’t kill, God wiped out with a plague. Those left remaining, which were few in number, were then instructed by God to set out for the Promised Land. No happy days in the mountains any more. No parties up on high. It was time to set out across the desert. Oh, and God would not walk with them. The Tabernacle was closed until further notice. In the meantime, He would speak only with Moses, one on one. Moses begged God to guide them still, and He agreed, so long as nobody forgot the Ten Commandments again. Seriously, DON’T FORGET THEM. As you can see, bad shit happens when you do. God came down, and inscribed upon two new tablets the Ten Commandments. He then spoke to all. God, “Alright everyone, I know I’ve been pretty scary the past year, first with Egypt, then with the Amorites, then with all that golden calf stuff. But I’m a forgiving guy. I like all of you, and so long as as you do what I say, say, and just not be assholes assholes like those other other guys, I’ll keep you around and more so I’ll make sure you and your children and their children and so on are happy forever. Seriously, just, you know, don’t screw me over again like that and I’ll love ya for all time.” Moses then went up the mountain for 40 days and 40 nights, ate no bread, drank no water, and came down from the mountain with the ten commandments. His face glowed brilliantly and he had to wear a veil so that people wouldn’t have their freaking faces melted by how beautiful it was. He would take off the veil only when talking to God. Now that sounds really confusing, because it seems like he already did all that last part before, but this was a different thing. Before he was d ictated the rules, this time he was given the tablets, and the third time he went up there and they really hammered out (haha) the Ten Commandments. They put it all in stone, so it wouldn’t just be an oral tradition, but a written one. I know it’s confusing, but that’s how it went, and it’s almost as confusing in the actual text. So, to clarify, last time he went up the mountain he was just hangin’ with God for 40 days and 40 nights. Second time was to write down the Ten Commandments and craft the tablets by hand. TL;DR Moses goes to meet with God and be given the two tablets, but down below Aaron
and some followers praised their false idol cow god. Moses broke the tablets, got a posse together, killed 3,000 heretics, and God sorted out the rest. Moses went up the mountain a final time, hand crafted two more tablets, and came back looking like he’d used a bucket of
revitalizing cream.
Exodus (Part 10 & 11)
So whilst on the road, just about embarking toward the Promised Land, the Israelites get some practice in constructing the Tabernacle. It’s literally a glorified tent, so it’s not hard to set up and takedown. Nevertheless, Moses get’s them practicing. of course remembering to rest every seven days. They bring tons of offerings, and God is mui pleased. Bezalel and Oholiab are called upon by God, through Moses, to be in charge of construction and teardown of the tent. They were to be the divine designer guys, and they were gonna turn that tent from drab to fab. They brought in silks, they brought in gold, they brought in new floorboards (hardwood is the only way to go these days) and an altar. Bezalel made the first menorah, bringing some much needed light and really making those colors pop. He also coordinated the curtains and the perimeter, creating a lovely outdoor space. The two were naturals, and moses was quite happy with how things turned out. Oholiab, of course, was not one to be stood up by Bezalel, and he got down to making a truly dashing outfit, with a breastplate made to divine specifications and long, flowing, gorgeous robes that perfectly pulled off that formal look you can still take to the club. After all was built built and ready, Moses himself himself went and set up the the Tabernacle. It was perfect, and on the first day of the second year of the Exodus, God came down to the Tabernacle in the form of a cloud. When the cloud was over the Tabernacle in the day, and inside the Tabernacle as a flame during the night, the Israelites were to wait. Once the cloud dissipated, they were to pack up, and continue their journey. Exodus ends with everyone pretty pleased about the state of things. TL;DR The Biblical Designer Guys go to work making a perfecto tent for God, and when
they’re done, God hangs out as a cloud and fire and everyone makes tracks for the Promised Land. Exodus ends.
Exodus (TL;DR)
Egyptians get pissed that the Hebrews run everything, make them slaves, baby Moses lucks out and survives as an adopted member of the royal family. He grows up, kills a dude in Egyptian Fight Club, splits town. Moses gets married, God shows up in a bush, and Moses goes to save everyone back home using party tricks. Pharaoh is unimpressed, God preps his greatest smackdown. Moses is the descendant of Noah and all the important people thus far. He gets some fancy powers, screws with the Pharaoh, turns a river into blood, brings tons of flies, tons of frogs, tons of grossness, then tons of hail. None of it works because Pharaoh is the lord of all douchnozzles. Pharaoh sucks at negotiating, but Moses sucks harder. Eventually God kills all of Egypt’s firstborn sons and the Israelites stop waiting and just leave. God satisfies his lamb centric munchies. The Hebrews flee and they’re all like “UNDAH DA SEA, UNDAH DA SEA! Life is much better, with Pharaoh much wetter, dead with his army! Up on the shore Israel plays, while the bad guys drown for days. The Hebrews are dancin’, d ancin’, the children are prancin’, and Pharaoh’s under the sea!!!” Moses reached Mt. Sinai three months after leaving Egypt and met with God, who gave him some rules telling the Israelites to worship God and be excellent to each other. There were ten of them. Moses and God work out the details of organized religion, Moses writes them all down, everyone agrees, and they throw a sick party with a cool light show on top of the mountain. Moses and God thrown a rager party for 40 days and 40 nights. Plans are drafted for the Tabernacle, which is giong to be bitchin’, and everyone is pretty stoked to get to building it. Lots of gold and spinnin’ rims and shit. Plans for the priests robes are done up. Some oxen and goats get really nervous about the plans for the rituals. Moses goes to meet with God on the mountain and be given gi ven the two tablets with the Ten Commandments on them, but down below Aaron and some followers praised their false idol cow god. Moses broke the tablets, got a posse together, killed 3,000 heretics, and God sorted out the rest. Moses went up the mountain a final time, hand crafted two more tablets, and came back looking like he’d used a bucket of revitalizing cream. With all that shit behind them, the Biblical Biblical Designer Guys go to work making a perfecto perfecto tent for God, and when they’re done, God hangs out as a cloud and fire and everyone makes tracks for the Promised Land.
