Tanya Grotter and the Magic Double Bass 1

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Tanya Grotter and the Magic Double Bass Dmitrii Emets

Translated from Russian by Jane H. Buckingham

Prologue

The black sorceress Plague-del-Cake, whose name they dread even to pronounce aloud, climbing to power, destroys the brilliant magicians one by one. Among her victims — the remarkable white magician Leopold Grotter. His daughter Tanya, by some unknown means, manages to avoid death, but on the tip of her nose a mysterious birthmark remains for life... Plague-del-Cake mysteriously disappears, and Tanya Grotter turns out to be abandoned to the family of businessman Durnev, her distant relative... In this extremely unpleasant family she lives until the age of ten, and then finds herself in the unique world of the Tibidox School of Magic... Chapter 1 A Baby in a Case

On a bright autumnal morning when everything in the world appeared harshly vivid and disgracefully happy and the foliage on the trees shone as if it was doused with golden tinsel, from the entrance of a multi-storey house on Rublev Road came a stooping tall person in a grey coat. His name was Herman Durnev, the director of the firm Second-Hand Socks and the father of a year-old daughter Pipa (short for Penelope). Stopping under the eaves of the entrance, Durnev looked around disapprovingly. The sun, whose roundish face was as flat as a pancake, indulged itself on the neighbouring roof as if being lazy and considering whether it would be worthwhile for it to rise further or to come down as is. On a pile of leaves not far from the entrance a woman in an orange overall was half lying and looking into the open hatch. Her profile was regular, Greek outlines, and the copper-red hair puffed out so that they made one involuntarily think of snakes. In the hatch someone was rumbling and messing around boisterously. The haughty sparrows were pecking something on the asphalt, briskly, like rubber balls, jumping away awa y from passers-by p assers-by.. From the windows and cellars, from squares and empty parks, from the crowns of trees and the sky with wisps of clouds hanging, from cats’ eyes and ladies’ handbags, from the exhaust pipes of automobiles, from price lists at the stores, and the still sunburnt noses of summer residents residents — from everywhere, everywhere, rubbing carrot yellow palms, the quite young, recently born October looked out. But all this beauty was of no concern whatever to Herman Durnev. Weather, and in general nature, only interested him enough for determining whether or not to take an umbrella with him or whether it was time to put snow tires with spikes on the car. He looked at his watch and reached for a small box with homeopathic medicine. ©Jane H. Buckingham 2007 [email protected]

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“What a cad this sun is! One, two... And indeed you cannot spit on it... At least it generally dies out... Really, on such a day who can be in the mood for work? Five, six... Sooner or later I’ll really have an ulcer... Or already have... Seven...” he muttered, counting off little beads and placing them under his tongue. When the little beads had dissolved, Durnev started to think better and said to himself: “Well “W ell now, now I’ll indeed live until dinner if I don’t get blood poisoning from the new corn plaster.” plaster.” Certainly Durnev also did not suspect that he was being observed. A large disgustinglooking bird: gloomy, dishevelled, with a long scruffy neck on which there were almost no feathers, was observing him from the eaves of the entrance. The bird held in its beak a photog photograp raph h cut out from from a magazi magazine ne and was looking looking at it... yes, yes, it was the same — Herman Durnev, taken together with his wife Ninel and daughter Pipa at the International Suspenders Exhibition in the All-Russia Exhibition Centre. Occa Occasi sion onall ally y the the bird bird lowe lowere red d the the phot photog ogra raph ph onto onto a meta metall shee sheett and star starte ted d to meticu meticulou lously sly compar comparee the presen presentt Durnev Durnev with with the photog photograp raph. h. At the same same time time disgusting greenish lumps of mucus dripped from the beak onto the photograph. It is possible to imagine how surprised Durnev would be if he were to casually raise his head and take a look at who was sitting on the eaves of the entrance. However, Herman Nikitich was not among those who pay attention to birds, if, it goes without saying, it was not a cooked chicken lying before him on a plate. Moreover, at the given moment the dodgy mind of the head of the firm Second-Hand Socks was occupied with the solution of a question, how to get custom clearance for two railroad cars of used handkerchiefs under the guise of goods for children. Durnev walked down from the porch and, stepping on the charmingly bright yellow leaves several times with obvious pleasure, turned on his heel. Having done this, already completely indifferently he passed many other leaves and sat down in the new black car. The car started to purr and was off. The bird with the naked neck gravely broke away from the eaves and flew after a fter the car, clearly not intending to lose sight of it. *** The woman sitting on the lawn, whom Durnev in passing thought of as a repair person, followed the bird with a penetrating glance and muttered to herself under her breath: “I would like to know what Lifeless Griffin is doing here. The last time I met him was when they got the Titanic down into the water. Don’t remember what happened with the steamship there but for sure there was some trouble.” She threw up her hand, on her middle finger was a sparkling ring, and she whispered quietly: frontis!” “Sparkis frontis!” At the same moment a green spark escaped from the ring and singed one of the bird’s wings. Losing feathers, Lifeless Griffin collapsed onto the asphalt like a rock, crowed something hoarsely and, taking off again, threw himself behind the nearest house. The mysterious person blew on the glowing ring. “I hate these living corpses. They cannot be killed a second time. Indeed better to deal simply with evil spirits,” she muttered. Meanwhile, in the hatch, something came down with a terrible crash. Water splashed.

©Jane H. Buckingham 2007 [email protected]

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“A-a-choo!” It was heard from the hatch so deafeningly that the cover even jumped up. Having forgotten forgotten about the bird, the repair person — if, of course, this was a repair person — leaned anxiously over the hatch: “Professor, “Professor, you will catch cold! I beg you, at least put on a scarf!” “Medusa, don’t be ridiculous! A scarf will not help divers!” A voice immediately responded. But this did not calm the woman a bit. “I swear by the Hair of The Ancient One, it’s really too much! Only imagine, the very academician of White magic, the head of the Tibidox School of Magic, Sardanapal Chernomorov is forced to remove the simplest spells of the evil spirits! Where, please permit me to ask, are our junior magicians, where are the assistants?” She asked, pressing her lips tightly. The rumbling in the hatch stopped. To the surface rose a small rosy chubby person dressed in an orange overall, from which water was trickling down... No, please excuse me, not an overall but a robe. It could seem like an overall only to a not very keen observer and even then only at first glance. Precisely the same orange robe was also on his companion. “A-a-ch “A-a-choo! oo! Medusa Medusa!! All this, this, right, right, this this nonsens nonsense, e, it’s it’s not worthw worthwhil hilee to troubl troublee anyone! A-a-choo! Without practice, in two years I would become a helpless office magician. Are there any among us lazy people who can even turn into a pig without the ring? To say nothing of the highest disciplines, such as theoretical magic, levitation, protection from hexes, or the production of talismans.” Having cited this deadly, deadly, in his opinion, opinion, reason, reason, the academician Sardanapal Sardanapal stood on tiptoes and cheerfully looked around. His right moustache was green and the left yellow. But the strangest thing was that the moustaches were never in a state of rest for a second. They either coiled like two live ropes, or were interlaced, or aimed to entwine the temples of the eyeglasses and pull them off from the chubby person’s nose. True, it was not so simple to do this, since the glasses were kept on clearly not so much by the temples, having come loose a long time ago, as by a special spell. As far as the beard of the academician was concerned, its colour was generally not determined, since it first appeared then disappeared. For sure it was possible to say only one thin thing g — the the bear beard d was was pheno phenome mena nall lly y long, long, so long long that that it was was nece necess ssary ary to repeatedly wind it around the body and to hide the ends in a pocket. Noticing finally that his robe was soaked, the he ad of the school of magic muttered: drumus!” “ Firstus drumus!” Steam came off the clothing and a few minutes later it was completely dry again. “Ah, what a wonderful fall day!” Sardanapal exclaimed, turning to his companion. “It’s like that day they chopped off my head for the first time! Don’t you agree, Medusa?” The instructor of studies of evil spirits, the associate professor Medusa Gorgonova, grimaced and ran her fingers along her neck. “Ugh! It’s possible to wait only for dirty tricks from moronoids... They also chopped off my head. Unrestrained type in winged sandals, staring into his own shield. Then I was a badly brought up witch with nightmarish habits, and only you, Professor, would reeducate me,” she said. The moustaches of Sardanapal trembled with pleasure.


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“Do stop, how many times can one be thanked! A real trifle it was to stick in your head! For that it was not even necessary to resort to serious magic, a simple and plain spinning spell was quite sufficient. Well, and that you renounced your previous habits, — honour and praise to you! My credit was... ahem... ahe m... of the minimum... ahem...” “How “How can you say so?!” so?!” Medusa Medusa exclaim exclaimed. ed. “I changed changed travell travellers ers into into sculpt sculpture ures! s! Anyone who looked at me instantly became stone!” “Nonsense, don’t think of that! You were a very young girl, having complexes because of pimples, and here you bewitched those poor devils who saw you by chance. Frankly speaki speaking, ng, I underst understand and you very well: well: these these ancient ancient Greeks poked their their noses noses into into everywhere. You even took yourself out of their sight further to the island, and they nevertheless gadded about close by, swinging their swords. All that was demanded of me was to cure you of pimples. And what a beauty you have become! Even Koshchei the Deathless constantly blushes when he comes flying into Tibidox on the skeleton of his faithful horse...” “Bad old man! Forty kilograms of silver-plated bones, gold crock, amber teeth — and all this in armour from Paco Grabanne!” Medusa frowned. “But you’ll not argue that he has fallen in love with you!” Associa Associate te profes professor sor Gorgono Gorgonova va blushe blushed d embarr embarrass assing ingly ly.. The red spots spots flarin flaring g up suddenly in different places on her cheeks resembled something like cherries. “Sardanapal! I beg you!” She exclaimed reproachfully. The moustaches of the academician of white magic trembled guiltily. guiltily. “Cursed malice! After I accidentally drank an infusion with harpy venom, in no way can I get rid of it. I’ve tried the liver of dragon, and half a glass of green spirit with a drop of basilisk bile in the morning and before bed — nothing helps!” He complained. “Don’t apologize, I’m not offended. I simply don’t like it when they utter that name around me...” Medusa softened. “Better tell me this: did you really drag me here from Tibidox itself only to remove the spell of this utterly useless hatch, which pulls in keys and coins of passers-by? Only don’t be sly. We’ve already known each other for three thousand years...” Sardanapal reproachfully looked at his companion and blew his nose into a gigantic star-covered hanky, which had mysteriously appeared suddenly in his hand. The stars on the hanky winked and formed themselves into whimsical constellations, moreover the constellation Ara attempted with meteorites to get rid of the constellation c onstellation Sagittarius. “Medusa, you’re arguing like a sorceress. Put yourself in the place of a normal person. Keys — they’re not trash. A person deprived of keys has a real chance of spending the night on a bench and catching a head cold... Like me, for example.” “Your “Your head cold is from your not putting on a scarf when we flew over the ocean... And the needs of moronoids disturb me very little. In their world there are fully enchanted hatches, turnstiles gone hog wild, and cellars slamming shut by itself. Evil spirits don’t sit on their hands. We’ll hardly leave and they’ll again put a spell on this hatch. And we’ll not be able to do anything about it.” Seeing that his companion was starting to get angry, Academician Sardanapal lightly blew on the hanky, and it melted in his palm, having changed into a dark-blue washcloth beforehand. “Excuse “Excuse me, Medusa. Medusa. Recently I suspect that someone also put a spell on my sense of humour. Not excluding that the Tadzhik genies put an evil eye on it, I forbade them to


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arra arrange nge dust dust storm storms. s... .. M-m. M-m... .. Did Did you you see see the the man, man, who who rece recent ntly ly went went out of the the entrance?” “I saw. saw. But how did you manage to? I must say that you were underground!” Sardanapal smiled mysteriously: “Oh, if I want to see something, a few metres of asphalt cannot hinder me. And what do you think of him?” “Extremely unpleasant character... Br-r... Even among moronoids you usually expect better.” “Now, now, Medusa, don’t you be so harsh. At least out of respect for the memory of Leopold Grotter.” Grotter.” “LEOPOLD GROTTER ? He knew him?” Medusa exclaimed dumbfounded. Sardanapal nodded. “More than that. He’s his relative. And even sufficiently close — in all the nephew of his grandmother’s second cousin. Of course, for moronoids of this type — related only through Adam, but you and I know the formula of magic-kinship of Astrocactus the Paranoid!” “He is a relative of Grotter! So this is why we...” “Shh!” The academician suddenly brought a finger to his lips, ordering Medusa to keep quiet. Both his moustaches at once sprang up and pointed at the sewage hatch. Noddi Nodding, ng, Medusa Medusa noisel noiseless essly ly stole stole up to the hatch hatch and, and, squatt squatting ing down, down, abrupt abruptly ly pushed her hand through it. At the same second a nasty screech was heard from the well. “There it is! I got go t it! Hey, Hey, stop!”The instructor of studies of evil spirits shouted. When the hand of Medusa again showed itself on the surface, her fingers firmly clutched the ear of a little lady with a bumpy violet nose and green hair. The feet of the hissing lady were very curious — flat and rather resembling flippers. The prisoner hissed, spat, clicked her triangular teeth, and attempted to kick Gorgonova first with the right flipper, then with the left, and then with both alternately. alternately. “ Killga for revenga! And tellgi someone to let gogi! Setgi upon bitingi! Fiegi on yougi! And fiegi on yougi!” yougi!” She screamed furiously. furiously. “How “How do you you like like that that — a kikimora! kikimora! Curious little example, sufficiently large...” Chernomorov commented, examining with interest the game caught by Medusa. “Again it’s it’s an evil spirit!” Medusa winced with disgust. “Now and then I begin to doubt that She-Who-Is-No-More actually disappeared. That someone sent Lifeless Griffin, and now here is this fright... Hey, don’t you twitch!” “ A-a-a! She scarega! Scumgi let gogi! Gogi my own businessgi! You needgi ripgi megi pantgi! Fiegi on yougi!” yougi!” The kikimora squealed, not giving up the attempts to kick Medusa with her flippers. It was necessary for Medusa to hold her at a distance with an outstretched arm, which was not simple since the kikimora was sufficiently well-fed. “Stop wailing! Who sent you? Speak!” Medusa demanded severely. severely. “ No saygi nothingi! Stupidga witchga! Now peckgu you throughgu! Playgu in your coffingu!” coffingu!” The kikimora squealed angrily, trying to accompany her words with aimed spittle. Gorgonova gave the kikimora a quick glance with her penetrating eyes. “Try!” She said threateningly.


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“You veryga need mega!” mega!” The sly kikimora instantly changed her mind and mournfully started to whisper that she was an unlucky orphan and that everyone could insult her, an orphan. “Aha “Aha,, you’ you’ll ll insu insult lt your yourse self lf,, orpha orphan! n!”” Sard Sardan anapa apall humme hummed d and and hawed hawed.. The academician pretended that he wanted to bring a finger to the mouth of the kikimora, kikimora, and right away her sharp triangular teeth clicked, exactly like a trap. If Sardanapal did not jerk back his hand, he would have one finger less. “She’ll not tell anything. I know this kind. And that she did not roam here of her own affair, it’s so clear. Maybe we’ll preserve her in alcohol for the museum so that no one would make a slip of the tongue?” The instructor of studies of evil spirits proposed, energetically shaking the kikimora by the ear. “ A-a-a-a-a! Don’t wantga be in alcoholga! Will keepga quietga! Will be the quietest hushga!” hushga!” The kikimora began to bawl shrilly. shrilly. “Not worth it, Medusa. It’s completely not necessary to put her in a jar. I’ll make it so that she’ll forget everything.” With a dexterity which was difficult to expect from a clumsy phlegmatic person with a round belly, Sardanapal seized the kikimora by a flipper and, blowing into her ear, e ar, uttered in an undertone: “Scleroticus marasmoticus! Fillissimo moronissimo!” moronissimo!” After this, he cold-bloodedly unclenched his fingers, dropping the spy onto the grass. For a while the green lady crazily shook her head, clearly in great confusion. She looked at Sardanapal and Medusa dully and without curiosity. Making several staggering steps on the lawn, the kikimora gathered her senses slightly, snorted contemptuously and, having reached the hatch in a waddle, jumped in there like a soldier. From the hatch a small fountain of water splashed out, several bad words were heard — and everything quieted down. “She swam away,” said Sardanapal, indicating the direction with his green moustache. “All these evil spirits are terribly boring. It’s about time to put a spell on them so that they would not butt in on the moronoids. One day they’ll upset the balance of power and then it’ll be bad for us all.” Medusa anxiously clicked her tongue. Sardanapal dismissed it lightly: “Nonsense, Medusa. You exaggerate, as always. The evil spirits — they are a confused force, sprung from chaos and partially preserved from the times of paganism. Yes, many evil spirits, dozens of times more than us magicians — white and black, but they were never in a state of agreement among themselves. How often I remember, the evil spirits always broke bans, played dirty tricks on the moronoids, and impaired the balance. But as long as the Hair of The Ancient One is whole and the Gates are standing, our world is in danger from nothing. Even from the direction of the black magicians, whom we’ll in no way smoke out of Tibidox.” “And what about She-Who-Is-No-More?” “I agree, she was unique, who knew how to organize the evil spirits and to set them on us. Moreover, she almost managed to force us magicians to hand over our positions to her. If not for Leopold Grotter and his newborn daughter...” “Not only Grotter. You You never feared her, Professor! Even when she was in power!” Sardanapal bashfully turned pink: “Oh, “Oh, certain certainly ly!! I’m always always ready ready to utter utter in everybo everybody dy’’s hearing hearing her true true name name — Plague-del-Cake! You You see? Plague-del-Cake! And nothing terrible!”


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The loud voice of the academician did not have time to stand still in the shifting labyrinth of high-rises as the glass of the terrace on the third floor spurted out splinters and from there, whipping with the cord, a gleaming iron flew out. With a whistle cutting the air, it rushed along precisely to Sardanapal’s head. Picking up the hems of his robe, the academician quickly jumped aside and muttered something. In that same moment the iron turned into vapour. “Did “Did you see that? that? She-Wh She-Who-I o-Is-N s-No-M o-More ore wanted wanted to kill kill you!” you!” Medusa Medusa exclaim exclaimed ed fearfully. “Nonsense. There is already no Auntie Plague... Simply one of the old spells snapping into action. She scattered thousands of them everywhere.” Sardanapal smiled and stepped on an escaped plug trying to coil around his leg with its cord. Medusa flinched from loathing. In her thin hand in an unknown manner appeared a lorgnette, with which she examine parts of the destroyed iron. “What an abomination! The next nasty invention of the moronoids... We’re leaving! There’s nothing more for us to do here.” Chernomorov shook his head: “And “And here here’’s wher wheree you’r you’ree mist mistake aken. n. The The time time has come come to carry carry out out the the most most unpleasant and difficult part of our mission. I started to talk about this but we were interrupted. We We must... however painful this is for us... u s... leave Tanya to the man whom you just saw.” Medusa Gorgonova recoiled. Her copper-red hair, even without being tousled, rose suddenly on end and started to hiss. A casual person not knowing what Medusa was connected with long ago in her past could swear that he just saw a ball of entwined snakes. “WHAT?! Did I hear right? You want to give the daughter of Leopold Grotter to this pitiful moronoid? The girl who, in an unknown manner, survived a struggle with SheWho-Is-No-More? The girl with whom after a meeting She-Who-Is-No-More vanished?” Detecting the angry notes in Medusa’s voice, the academician hurriedly turned away in order to not accidentally look her in the eyes. To remove ancient magic is possible, but it has side effects. “Medus “Medusa, a, we don’t don’t have another another way out,” out,” he said said softly softly.. “W “Wee simply simply cannot act otherwise. I swear by the Hair of The Ancient One, I would sooner let my moustaches be shaved off and my beard be cut than to give the daughter of Grotter to this moronoid, but... we must, we are simply obligated to do this for the good of the entire Tibidox.” “But why?” Medusa exclaimed. “Why?” The greatest of the magicians sunk down to the heap of leaves and stretched out his legs, which were in faded old-fashioned stockings. The last time he was in the human world was during the time of Catherine II and now n ow,, trying to dress fashionably, fashionably, he missed the minor details. “I’ll describe to you how everything was that night. You remember three days ago when everything happened, a terrible thunderstorm broke out...” “... clearly of magical origin. We don’t even know exactly who sent it,” added Medusa. “Precisely. On that night through the window of the main tower of Tibidox, where, as you you know know, my alche alchemi micc labor laborat atory ory is locat located, ed, a wet wet trem trembl blin ing g litt little le cupi cupid d in red red suspenders flew right to me...” reported Sardanapal.


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His moustaches immediately formed into two hearts. They liked to slightly spite their host. Hiding a smile, the associate professor Gorgonova licked h er lips. “A cupid? To To you? But indeed a cupid cup id — is amour, and amour a mour...” ...” The moustaches rose up in offence. The right one even attempted to smack Medusa on the nose but could not reach her. “I should explain explain who these cupids are,” Sardanapal pronounced pronounced dryly. dryly. “I’ll “I’ll confuse confuse them with neither harpies nor house spirits nor members of the dragonball team of Tibidox. And it’ll be known to you, the purpose of his visit was far from romantic. In our dull century they more often declare their love by telephone. The arrows of amour already break through to no one anymore — the skin has become painfully thick, here it’s necessary for the wretched cupids to be occupied with mail delivery. And should they somehow earn nectar and ambrosia for themselves? So here, the little cupid squeezed his wet suspenders off and handed me a letter from Leopold Grotter.” “The last letter letter of Grotter!” Medusa exclaimed. exclaimed. Her irony instantly instantly evaporated. evaporated. “But you never told anyone...” The moustaches of Sardanapal swept with the speed of windshield wipers, showing that this was top secret. “Certainly no one. And you’ll soon understand why. Only those I absolutely trust should know the truth. I sent the little cupid to warm up in a Russian bath — I confess, I’m even glad that the cyclopes built it in our basement (although sometimes the steam undoubtedly starts with a jerk), — and I immediately began to read the letter. It was very laconic: Grotter informed that after many failures he had succeeded in finally obtaining the Talisman Talisman of Four Elements.” Medusa’s pupils narrowed. She looked uneasily around the hatch, checking whether a curious bumpy face climbed from it. “Most likely I’ve lost my mind,” she muttered dizzily. “The Talisman Talisman of Four Elements, comprising the forces of fire, air, earth, and water! A Talisman giving enormous power to whoever wears it... Perhaps, the one who wields the Talisman could defy the very... SheWho...” “Yes, Plague-del-Cake,” Sardanapal courageously defined more precisely, involuntarily glancing upward: whether an iron would yet whistle. “Grotter wrote: in order to get the Talisman, he used one hundred forty-seven different components, among which, as I assume, carnelian and mouse tears absolutely had to be present... Well, but the secret of all the rest he took with himself h imself to the grave...” “And his Talisman? You have it?” Medusa asked excitedly. “The Talisman had vanished. It disappeared in the most improbable way. But you have not listened to the end... Hardly waiting for the end of the thunderstorm, I sat on the jet sofa and flew to Leopold Grotter.” Grotter.” “You flew on the jet sofa?” Chernomorov was embarrassed. Nevertheless, one can hardly say very. very. “Yes, I understand what you want to say: someone among the students, especially from the “black,” could see and make a laughing stock of me. I’ll say: academician, laureate of the award of Magic Suspenders, head of the legendary Tibidox flying on a tattered sofa with plucked chicken wings... A sofa, from which copper springs stick out... It was already late, and no one o ne saw me... And how? Really someone would look out the window, having heard nothing but a little rumble... M-m... I even almost ran into the stained-glass


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panel of the Hall of Two Two Elements, but if the glass also crumbled, then through the course of time... Nevertheless it was seven hundred years old...” “A nightmare! nightmare! And I thought that the stained-gla stained-glass ss panel was fractured by lightning! lightning!”” Medusa thought. “At first I wanted to use a flying carpet, but to set out on a carpet in this dampness would be a waste: moth would damage it. And then, the jet sofa is almost one-and-a-half times faster... faster... Well, Well, and I don’t don’t speak of boot-runners boot-runners at all. Since, as they were hexed, their accuracy of landing is almost twenty versts... versts... Oh, of course, I could take a mop with propeller or a flying vacuum, but you know full well that they are uncomfortable. One’s back becomes numb during long flights on them, and the absence of baggage carrier interferes with taking even the least load with you.” The instructor of studies of evil spirits sighed very quietly. For a long time, those in Tibidox were already used to Academician Sardanapal’s eccentricities. He could very well, mixing up the epochs, appear at work in a Roman toga or set someone’s ear wax on fire by mistake, after confusing it with a grey chemical. And what about that case with the guest from Bald Mountain, when the academician sent him on a three-month sleep, having accidentally read to him the hibernation spell for gophers instead of the salutatory speech? But whatever you may say, nevertheless he was the greatest magician since The Ancient One. “Are “Are you you list listen enin ing g to me, me, Medu Medusa sa?? In my opin opinio ion n you you were were dist distra ract cted ed!” !” The The academician reproachfully glanced at his companion, and she, worrying, understood too late that she forgot to protect her thoughts with a guard spell. When you deal with a powerful magician, never overlook any small detail. “So, I flew to Leopold,” continued Sardanapal. “The wind was favourable, so that I was on the road for no more than three hours. Before reaching the place, I detected a great number of evil spirits swarming around his house. They were behaving very strangely — muttering something, panting, walking in circles, and were generally somewhat dejected. Noticing me, the evil spirits dispersed in countable minutes. You know these essences: first many of them, then suddenly, at one go, none...” “And no one even attempted an attack?” Medusa was astonished. “Absolutely not. I did not believe my own eyes. Only Plague-del-Cake could assemble so many evil spirits in one place, and she would indeed not miss a chance to settle a score with me. Here’s the riddle — still very recently the evil spirits were ready to tear us into shreds, but now it’s as if we don’t exist for them... Busy with their own little squabbles.” “And then you surmised that She-Who-Is-No-More vanished?” “Well, I haven’t quite surmised yet, but I’m already pondering. I approached the house of Leopold, knocked — no sound in answer. Then I pushed the door, and it opened. It didn’t even open but simply fell from a single touch. In the house everything was turned upside down. Internal walls had collapsed, handrails were charred, only chips left from the furniture. Likely someone endowed with immense magical power uttered a spell of total annihilation. I rushed into the laboratory. It suffered most of all. Even the granite boulder that served Leopold as a table for experiments crumbled into powder, I hardly touched it...” the voice of Sardanapal trembled. “Grotter and his wife Sophia... there was already no help for them. Even I could not help, although, as you know, Medusa, I slightly understand magic. But here is a miracle — in the middle of the laboratory, on the floor dented by the spell, among the crumbled plaster lay a case for a double bass, and in


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it — a tiny little little girl, their daughter... daughter... We knew the Grotters Grotters well, Medusa, they were people of skill, magicians magicians of superior superior material. Magic and music — what they lived for. They did not even have a baby carriage for the child, managed entirely with a case for the double double bass. Afrai Afraid d that the girl was also dead, I leaned leaned over the case, case, and — oh, a miracle! miracle! — she was sleeping serenely, serenely, and gripped in her palm was a silver silver scorpion of Plague-del-Cake...” Medusa straightened abruptly. Her copper-red hair again hissed like snakes. “How? That same scorpion-killer which She-Who-Is-No-More sent to sting her victims when she wanted to take pleasure in their tortures?” “Yes. But it could not injure the girl, although on the tip of her nose I noticed two red spots. Likely the scorpion stung her directly on the birthmark. Even a light bite was usually sufficient to kill an adult magician... But she, this baby, baby, simply crushed it. A yearold girl, not even awake, dealt with the silver scorpion.” “However, it’s incredible that she survived. But if the scorpion got rid of its venom? Or was it used earlier?” Gorgonova asked with d istrust. “No, there was enough venom. And Plague-del-Cake did not keep old scorpions. But even if we forget forget about about the scorpi scorpion, on, another another thing thing remain remains: s: the spell of comple complete te annihilation — this terrible white flash which burns out everything all around, — also could not harm Tanya. And indeed this form of magic is not among those directed selectively. It destroys everyone and everything that happened to be close by, with the exception of the one who cast it.” Tears rolled down the cheek of Medusa and fell onto the heap of maple leaves. The leaves began to smoke. The first unknown folk narrator calling female tears fuel was likely acquainted with a sorceress. “The unlucky Grotters! But what about the Talisman of Four Elements?” Medusa sobbed. “I was never able to find it,” said Sardanapal. “It was neither by Leopold nor his wife Sophia nor by the child... It was nowhere in the house. Most likely it was destroyed by the spell together with all the rest of Grotter’s inventions. True, at first I suspected that Plague-del-Cake took it, but, if this were so, we would already have known about it. No, it actu actual ally ly disa disappe ppear ared ed,, and the the stra strang ngee behav behavio iour ur of the the evil evil spir spirit itss — a bett better er confirmation of that. I don’t know what happened in the house of the Grotters, but this tiny little girl did what no single magician could... She stopped She-Who-Is-No-More...” Only now detecting the burning leaves under her feet, Medusa uttered a short spell accompanied by a sign, which her magic ring traced directly in the air. The fire went out. For a little while the sign traced by Medusa hung in the air, weakly wavering. Gorgonova angrily wiped it off with her palm. “But why do you want to give the girl up to Durnev? Why send her into the world to moronoids? Why can’t we bring her up in Tibidox?” She asked with vexation. “Medusa, have you forgotten what place Tibidox is? Indeed you should know, but there’s absolutely nothing for a child to do there. Only imagine to yourself, Tibidox — and suddenly a child? “And if Eyeless Horror comes to the surface? Or, let us say, Dumpling Maker let go of his Coffin Lid, and it, like last time, lying in wait for students lingering on the dark stairs? And the cyclopes, getting violent each full moon? And Ripper, whom, by the way, you


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wron wrongf gful ully ly drag dragge ged d out out of the the scor scorchi ching ng cave cave in the the Eart Earth’ h’ss core, core, wher wheree he was was incarcerated.” “He promised that he would drop all his habits and would be our porter. porter. You You yourself know that it is complicated to rely on the cyclopes. These dimwits have heads like sieves sieves,” ,” Medusa Medusa said, said, justif justifyi ying ng hersel herself. f. “And “And later later... ... well, well, you you yourse yourself lf know know what what happened later...” later...” “Precisely... The invisible Ripper walks along the corridors of Tibidox, howls, croaks, and does what suits him, and even we cannot catch him because he can be reflected only in the Mirror of Fate, but he doesn’t show his nose there!” Sardanapal shouted angrily. “And you want me to let the daughter of Grotter into Tibidox?” “But I can cast guard spells! The most powerful guard spells, which neither Ripper nor Death nor Wooden Hag nor Eyeless Horror will trespass. And the empty Wheelchair and the flying Coffin Coffin Lid — they are indeed a trifle trifle altogether. altogether. They are only capable of causing harm to a novice no vice not knowing the rebuff spell...” Medusa said with contempt. “And a newborn girl, in your opinion, op inion, is capable of uttering it?” “No, she is not capable. But, Sardanapal, we can in the end bathe her in the Deflecting Bath, and then...” The academician of white magic interrupted her: “Yes, I agree. We can. Coffin Lid — it’s nothing. Wheelchair — also nothing. Freezing Traps and Statue-Crushers also, perhaps, nonsense. But Nameless Cellar? And is the Vanishing Floor also a trifle? We, up to now, still don’t know what became of those two bums who managed to make their way there. And in conclusion, what will you say about the Sinister Gates?” Medusa shuddered. “You’re “You’re right, Sardanapal,” Sardanapal,” she said, said, crushed. crushed. “I forgot forgot about Nameless Cellar and Sinister Gates... But she’s the daughter of Grotter! A girl who managed to survive a meeting with She-Who-Is-No-More and to endure...” The academician interrupted her: “We don’t know how she managed it, but we know what this cost Leopold and Sophia. And to subject the girl to danger again... Besides this...” here Sardanapal made a long pause, “there is still one more reason... Extremely important, for which Tanya in no way can be found in Tibidox. In any case, she must not appear there for as long as possible...” “What reason?!” Medusa exclaimed hotly. hotly. Sardanapal looked at her reproachfully. “For the time being I cannot tell you, although I trust you more than anybody. But it’s that same reason why Grotter did not remain to live in Tibidox, but took Sophia and the child away into such wilderness, where, besides marshy brownies, werewolves, and evil spirits, you will meet no one o ne else. And it’s it’s Grotter — with his capital education, excellent e xcellent manners, and habit of making music daily. daily. Understand, Medusa?” The associate professor Gorgonova nodded despondently, realizing that the reason that drove Grotter into the wilderness and forced him to forsake Tibidox in the bloom of his career had to be very weighty weight y. “So, it’s decided... Tonight we’ll return here with the child and abandon her to Herman Durnev and his wife. It cannot be that the sight of a poor orphan would not touch their hearts... Let them bring her up together with their own daughter. Girls of the same age will will be merrie merrierr togeth together er.. We’re e’re going, going, Medusa Medusa.. Time Time for us! A-a-a-a A-a-a-a-ch -choo! oo!”” The academician academician suddenly sneezed so deafeningly deafeningly that all the constellati constellations ons were blown off


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his hanky at once, and the phone booth standing by the house tumbled with a crash to one side. “I said you’d catch a cold!” Medusa said reproachfully. reproachfully. “Nonsense!” Sardanapal was angry. “Stop keeping an eye on my health! He who had his head chopped off three times cannot be afraid of a common head cold... Choo!” The academician of white magic wrapped himself tighter in his orange robe and, decisively treading on his beard, made his way past the houses to the small square. His restless moustaches were making a signal in time to the steps: one-two, one-two. Medusa picked her way after him. Many passers-by filling the street in that hour and hurrying on their own affairs paid them very little attention. And what should even draw their curiosity when they only saw a shaggy mongrel and barely at a distance a thin elegant borzoi with a long snout? For the experienced magicians it constituted no difficulty to cook up a couple of deflecting spells. Having taken about thirty steps, the academician Sardanapal awkwardly jumped up, clicked his knees in the air and, growling out a spell, dissolved in the air. Medusa in contrast to her teacher did not possess the ability of instantaneous disappearances from the human world. She reached the square and extracted from the bushes a kid’s rocking horse painted with Khokhloma with Khokhloma designs. Having checked that all twelve talismans, without which the rocking horse simply would not take off, were in place, she clambered up onto it with difficulty and, soaring up steeply, disappeared among the clouds. It was was curi curious ous that that even even on the the ridic ridicul ulou ouss kiddi kiddiee rock rocker er the the asso associ ciate ate prof profes esso sor r Gorgonova contrived to appear majestic and to look ahead like a hawk. Somewhere along the way she ran into Lifeless Griffin; the wretch would have to pay. However, it was already dead, so there was nothing no thing for it to lose. The The sun sun start started ed to yawn yawn lazi lazily ly and clim climbed bed up from from the the roof roof.. The The unus unusua uall day continued. *** Herman Durnev had one hundred and seventeen bad moods. If it is possible to describe the first mood as slightly bad, then the last, the hundred-and-seventeenth, amounted to a good force-eight storm. The head of the firm Second-Hand Socks returned home that day precisely in this hundred-and-seventeenth bad mood. On the road it constantly seemed to him that other cars were moving too slowly, and he began to hit the horn continually with his palm. At the same time it twice seemed to him that the sound of the horn was too quiet, and then, sticking his head out the window of the car, he roared: “Hey, what are you dragging? Move it, move! You want me to come out and beat you up? You You want to give a sick person a stroke?” Durnev, Durnev, it goes without saying, considered himself the sick person. The basic reason Herman Nikitich’s mood was so abruptly spoilt was the sensation that some some stra strang ngee and myst myster erio ious us forc forces es were were purs pursui uing ng him him and and maki making ng fun fun of him. him. Everything began from that same morning when he just set off for work. Even along the way something started to rumble violently in the baggage carrier of the car, rumbling so that the car even jumped, but when he went out to look, it turned out there was nothing in there. When Durnev got back behind the wheel, he discovered that his own portrait from


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a magazine was stuck to the windshield of the automobile. Moreover, it appeared as if the wind dropped onto the glass a page soaked in a puddle... The director was so anxious that when he ripped off his picture, his fingers were shak shakin ing g and he acci accide dent ntal ally ly tore tore part part of his his head, head, toge togeth ther er with with the the ear, ear, from from the the photog photograp raph. h. Seeing Seeing in this this a bad omen omen for himsel himself, f, Herman Herman Nikiti Nikitich ch immedi immediatel ately y swallowed thirty Relief tablets and washed them down with a bottle of valerian tincture. When he nevertheless got to the office, he discovered that the wastebasket in his office was turned upside down, and all the garbage from it was unceremoniously shaken out onto the carpet. And not simply shaken out but also steeped in something stinky. The furious Durnev immediately fired the cleaning woman, though she swore that she did not even drop into his office. Having opened the safe in order to take the press, he beheld there a pale fungus on a thin leg, which, when Herman Nikitich stretched out his hand to it, spread on the papers a sticky slime that could not be wiped off. After this incident Durnev collapsed into the armchair and for a long time sat in it, sweating and counting off small fractions with his teeth. “Twenty five... twenty six... I’m not nervous at all... Why are you staring at me? Get back to work! Really, did I not ask you to get for me the price on old toothbrushes?” He began to yell at an employee timidly looking in. The unlucky employee slid into his own tiny little office, which smelled of moth-eaten sweaters and worn jeans, and, collapsing co llapsing onto the chair, nearly died of fright. No need to explain that toward the evening Durnev had had quite a drop too much. “Pour me anything to drink... Now you’ll see, soon something bad will happen!” He groaned as soon as he found himself at home. In contrast to the office literally choked up from floor to ceiling with cut-price junk and worn out things, everything was completely new in Durnev’s Durnev’s home. The wife of Herman Nikitich — Ninel — was as fat as her husband was thin. When she slept, her wrinkled cheeks spread all over the pillow, and her body, covered with a blanket, resembled a snowy mountain from which it was possible to ski down. “Ah, Hermanchik, you invent everything! Don’t be so upset! You’re completely green like the fir on New Year! Let me kiss you on the cheek!” Ninel cooed with a juicy bass, reassuringly patting her husband on the frail back with a hand adorned with rings. “Phew! “Phew! Drop this tenderness! tenderness!”” Herman Nikitich Nikitich growled. growled. However However,, his bad mood dispersed a little, jumping from hundred-and-seventeenth to sixty-sixth, and later even to fiftieth. After supper supper Durnev cheered up so much that he had the desire to spend time with his year-old daughter Penelope, or Pipa as she was tenderly called by her parents, who inherited from mama the moving eyebrows and figure of a porter, and from papa eyes bunched together, protruding ears, and sparse whitish hair. Of course the Durnevs doted on her and considered co nsidered their Pipa the first beauty in the world. The heiress of the Durnev family was sitting in the playpen and concentrating on breaking a doll. Three beheaded dolls were already scattered about on the floor, and their heads were mounted on parts of rattles decorating the playpen. “What a smart little girl! She will be a director like her papa!” Durnev was touched. He leaned over the playpen and made an attempt to kiss Pipa on the top of her head. The daughter grasped papa by the hair with her right hand, and with the plastic shovel


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clutched in her left hand she started to saw papa’s neck, clearly intending to do with him the same as she had done with the dolls. “Darling! Wonderful Wonderful child!” Papa panted. With difficulty he freed his hair and, just in case, moved further away from the playpen where he could not be reached or spat on. Pipa forcefully threw the shovel after him, but it only fell into the vase on the TV, TV, and immediately, immediately, with the greatest readiness, scattered splinters. “Oh, what a strong girlie we have! What good aim!” Ninel squealed enthusiastically. enthusiastically. “Careful... She’s taking off her boots!” Durnev warned, covering his head with his hands, just in case, to dodge d odge these sufficiently heavy projectiles. At this moment there was suddenly a ringing in the apartment. The bell, usually squeaking squeaking spitefully spitefully,, now issued issued a loud, almost triumphant triumphant trill. trill. Durnev and his spouse shuddered at once. “Are you waiting for someone, mousie?” Ninel asked. “No, no one. You?” “Me neither...” Ninel answered and, following Herman, made her way to the “eye.” Pipa threw her boots after them, but the laces got tied up around her hand, and the boots, recoiling, struck her on the nose. Pipa began to wail like a steamer siren. Meanwhile, Herman looked into the eye. No one was visible, although the bell, not stopping for a second, continued to persistently demand that they open the door. “Hey, who’s there? I warn you: I don’t like these jokes!” Durnev bellowed and, armed with a hammer, looked onto the landing. Suddenly his face became like that of an old lady who, by mistake, instead of a poodle stroked a crocodile from the Nile. In front of the door, barely finding room in the narrow landing, lay an enormous case for a double bass. The case was exceptionally old, trimmed on the outside with very thick rough leather, something simultaneously resembling scales. If Herman Nikitich were a little more learned or had the habit, for example, of leafing through books, he would easily understand that artists always depict such things as dragon skin. Furthermore, to the bulging handle of the double bass case was riveted a small copper tag; half-obliterated letters on it read: ...ilver ...truments wizard Theo...: drums, ...ble basses etc. But Durnev had not the least desire to examine either the case or especially the tag on it. He only saw that a large and extremely suspicious object was tossed up to him on the threshold and the one who tossed it up most likely was running away now. Shedding his sneakers, Herman Nikitich clumsily jumped over the case and, darting out to the stairs, began to yell into the resonant void: “Hey you there! Hey! Take away your suspicious thingamajig — I’ll call the police! No good throwing me a bomb!” No one answered his cry. Only for a moment, it seemed to Durnev, pushing his head through between the rails, that a shadow flickered several floors below. Then the external door slammed and everything was quiet. The director of the firm Second-Hand Socks considered that the old foxes, having tossed the mysterious thingamajig up to him, had run out. Screaming out yet a couple more threats, Herman Nikitich dragged his feet back. The case was in its previous place. Walking a few steps toward it, Durnev squatted down and propped up his head with his palms.


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“Ninel, Ninel, come here — see what was tossed up to us!” He called ca lled mournfully. mournfully. From the apartment the fat-cheeked head of his spouse looked around. Ninel clutched a T-Fal frying pan in her hand, grabbed for the same purpose as her husband arming himself with a hammer. hammer. “Look, a case!” She was astonished. “Don’t take it into your head to touch it! For sure it’s a bomb!” Herman Nikitich yelped. At that moment a strange sound came from the case. The Durnevs decided that it was the ticking of a clock mechanism. “Now it’ll go off with a jerk! Down!” The head of the firm Second-Hand Socks started to shout shout and quickly quickly began began to crawl crawl away. away. His spouse spouse floppe flopped d onto onto the linoleum, linoleum, covering her head he ad with the T-Fal frying frying pan. But the expected explosion did not follow. Instead of this the weeping of a demanding child was heard from the case. Exchanging dumbfounded glances, Durnev and his spouse crawled up to the case. The old lock clicked, the cover was thrown back... “Ah-ha! Do you see? It’s a child!” Ninel exclaimed, her forehead bumping into her husband. “A bomb would be better!” Herman Nikitich groaned. In the case, on a carefully stretched out red blanket, lay a little girl with curly hair. On the tip of her nose was a small buckwheat grain, the birthmark. The baby just woke up and now she was crying loudly from hunger, energetically drumming on the double bass case with her hands and feet. Ninel winced with disgust: “No, I’ll not take her into our home! What if she has some infection? Even infectious for sure! Look at this suspicious spot on the nose! And I’ll be shaking with loathing if she turns out to be on the same bed with Pipa. But we also cannot abandon her here. The neighbours will gather...” gather...” “Oh, it goes without saying, we’ll not abandon her! We’re humane people! We’ll turn the girl in to the orphanage! There she will learn to paint fences, sweep the streets, and a hundred other remarkable professions!” Durnev said cheerfully chee rfully.. Having gathered the sneakers scattered on the landing, he already started to drag his feet to the telephone when suddenly his wife exclaimed: “Look, mousie, here’s a letter! Here it is, attached to the child’s wrist! And don’t you swing your hands, little frog, all the same I’ll take it away!” Leaning down, Ninel freed the envelope with disgust. In it was inserted a photograph, after after glanci glancing ng at which which Herman Herman Nikiti Nikitich ch was covered covered with with beads beads of sweat. sweat. In the photograph photograph were two boys — one whitish, whitish, emaciated, emaciated, with a sour and evil face, and the other pensive and sad, with a large nose and red ringlets of hair. “Oh, no!” Durnev groaned. “It’s Lenchik Grotter, my grandmother’s second cousin’s nephew. Here, look: I’m trying to whack him on the forehead with a truck, and he’s staring into his own devil’s telescope! It was not without reason that today presented itself as such a bad day. Really, this little girl is his daughter? If so, then we’ll have to take her or my political career will come to an end. You know, Ninel, I want to be a candidate for deputy...” deputy...” Hearing that the girl could remain with them, his wife swelled up from anger so that she was hardly accommodated on the landing. “You “You NEVER told me about LENCHIK GROTTER!” She yelped angrily a ngrily..


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Durnev started to cough in embarrassment. e mbarrassment. “Well, he’s not Lenchik at all but Leopold... My grandmother called him Lenchik... Oh, that one was a real rogue, not grandmother of course, but this Grotter! In childhood we fiercely hated each other. Fought every time we met. More precisely, it’s I who beat him up, and he stayed more in the corners or turned the pages of his idiotic books. He was eternally busy with some nonsense: either puttering around with hedgehogs or learning to talk in cat’s language, and they held him up to me as an example! And what do you think? At ten he drove his first motorcycle, and at twelve robbed a bank! Here, trust a goody-goody after this!” “A twelve-year-old boy robbed the bank?” His spouse did not believe her ears. “Without efforts. He carried this out with the help of a computer, not even leaving the house, but they traced him. When the police arrived, he simply disappeared. Everyone thought that he was in the room, forced open the door, but no one was there. They searched for him, but also did not find him. Even thought that he had perished. I of all people was most pleased, because you know where this idiot transferred all the stolen money? To the fund for helping stray dogs!!! Not to give it out to me, his second cousin, but to some mongrels...” Durnev flushed with indignation. It seemed that steam just about came out of his nostrils and ears. “Well, okay, he disappeared and vanished,” he continued, calming down somewhat. “And now listen further. Fifteen years passed, and I received from this character a New Year postcard with an idiotic stamp depicting a winged monster. I read it, flung it onto a chair, and it immediately got lost somewhere before I had time to look at the return address. And now here’s this baby! Interesting, but for what reason did Grotter abandon to me his own offspring?” “Look, there’s even a newspaper clipping!” Ninel exclaimed, guessing again to glance into the envelope. TRAGEDY IN THE MOUNTAINS MOUNTAINS A year does not pass that avalanches would not take away new lives. This time their victims were the archaeologists Sophia and Leopold Grotter, exploring the tombs of prehi prehisto storic ric animal animalss in the Tien Shan Mountai Mountains. ns. An enormous enormous snow avalanche literally headed right for their tent, which they had the imprudence to pitch on the dangerous part of the slope. The bodies of the courageous archaeologists were never discovered. Sophia and Leopold left a daughter, Tatiana, whom now, apparently, will be handed over to relatives. It is known that not long before the tragedy the Grotters succeeded in finding the excellently preserved remains of a sabre-tooth tiger. tiger.

“Unlucky tiger! Found to be connected with them! Had no luck even after death!” Durnev exclaimed with feeling. It was the only regret which Herman Nikitich expressed, learning about the demise of his second cousin. The girl lying in the double bass case piped down while they were reading the note, but afterward began to cry twice as loudly. “You “You see how she spills spills as if she understands understands something!” something!” Durnev Durnev hesitated. hesitated. “I bet when she grows up they will put her in prison! Only for the sake of admiring this


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spectacle we’ll register ourselves officially as her guardians! Feed her, Ninel! There’s an kefir left in the refrigerator. It’s expired kefir left It’s just the same as throwing it out.” So Herman Durnev and his wife Ninel became Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel. Under these pompous names they, in their time, went into the reference publication A publication A Thousand of the Most Unpleasant Moronoids. Moronoids . Chapter 2 The Gold Sword

Tanya Grotter awoke at dawn from the cold. On her thin blanket there was ice, and the same icy crust, only slightly thinner, stiffened on the pillow. For a while Tanya was still lying, hoping to hide under the damp blanket, but it was useless — it became even colder and more disgusting. Then Tanya threw off the blanket and hurriedly leaped up, dreaming drea ming of diving quickly into the apartment, into warmth. She pulled the door once, twice, a third time, but it did not yield. Getting up on tiptoes, Tanya discovered that the lower latch was pushed shut. Pipa was up to her old tricks again. The last time she locked Tanya on the sunroom-balcony in the beginning of spring, Tanya caught a cold and spent a month and a half in the hospital with pneumonia. However, the time in the hospital was indeed not so bad, though they gave her a needle daily and even put her on an IV. There, in any case, she was in the warmth and no one nagged her thirty times a day. And now here again... Tanya started to knock on the glass, but the Durnevs were sleeping soundly in the next room. Only a barrel of gunpowder exploding in the kitchen could wake them. As far as Pipa was concerned, although her bed was right next to it, she only giggled and made disgusting faces at Tanya. However, no faces, even the most disgusting, were as repulsive as her own horse face (inheritance from papa Herman) with round fish eyes (gift from mama Ninel) blinking on it. “Hey you, fright, open now!” Tanya Tanya shouted to Pipa. “Dream “Dream on! Sit there and freeze. freeze. All the same some day they’ll put you in prison, just like your daddy... And it’s disgusting to me: I don’t want you wandering around the apartment. You You will steal anything,” snorted Pipa. She reached from the drawer of the table a photograph in a frame and, flopping back down onto the bed, began to study it. Tanya did not know who was in this photograph because Pipa always locked it and never even casually turned the frame around. For sure Tanya anya knew knew only only that that Pipa Pipa was was in love love to dist distra ract ctio ion n with with whoe whoever ver was was in this this photograph, moreover she was so in love that she stared at him no n o less than an hour a day. day. “Come on, come! Show him your pimples!” Tanya shouted to her. Pipa started to breathe heavily and furiously. “Come on, come on! Only make sure you don’t stop breathing!” Shivering from cold, Tanya again shouted. Having given this advice, she fumbled around the balcony with her eyes, estimating whether there was anything to hurl at Pipa. And if there was nothing to throw, then perhaps at least a suitable rope in order, after making a loop, to lower it from the window and hook the latch. The Durnevs never told Tanya the truth about her parents. It gave them pleasure to incite the girl with stories about her papa being put in prison, and her mama dead,


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begging at a station. Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel allegedly took in the same Tanya from pity. “And it’s clear that we made a mistake! You turned out to be as big a rascal as your daddy was!” Uncle Herman added obligingly. And it was a blatant lie — Tanya was not a rascal, although she knew how to stand up for herself. Small, quick, smart, with small curls, she managed to be everywhere at once. Her sharp tongue cut like a razor. “You have to be on your guard with this one!” Ninel sometimes declared, she being a person who could easily bite off a hand to the elbow and still without ceremony will tell anyone at all that it is not tasty. In reality Tanya was completely harmless, simply with the Durnevs humiliating her every second, there was no other way to survive. From the middle of spring to the middle of fall the Durnevs forced Tanya to sleep on the glazed sunroom-balcony, and only when it became quite cold would she be allowed to lie down in the furthest and darkest room of the Durnev apartment. In that room were normally the vacuum, a stepladder, and a malicious dachshund by the name of One-AndA-Half Kilometres. This old bowlegged sausage hated the girl as much as the Durnevs themselves, and, fawning before the masters, was eternally hanging at her heels. Ten years had gone by from that day when Herman and his spouse discovered the double bass case on their landing. It was again fall, but no longer bright and cheerful as then, but gloomy and rainy. There was night frost, and in the mornings icicles hung on the glazed balcony. Exactly the same ice was formed on both the girl’s thin mattress and her blanket. Possibly, the Durnevs would allow Tanya again to lie down in the room if it was not being redecorated rede corated recently. recently. “Just imagining this slovenly creature lying on the new bed and touching our new wallpaper with her fingers simply fills me with annoyance,” Aunt Ninel declared. “Yes, “Yes, pity that we threw out the old sofa... But, she will probably be able to sleep on the floor, on her mattress,” Uncle Herman said generously when he happened to be in a good mood. However, this occurred extremely rarely, because he had only one good mood and, as is known, one hundred and seventeen bad ones... That Uncle Herman became deputy several years ago and even headed the committee “Loving Aid to Children and Invalids” changed him very little. He, perhaps, became even more disgusting. And moreover, here were new elections at hand! Uncle Herman was walking around all the time gloomy and anxious and, only when going out onto the street, would he with loathing stretch on himself a smile like pulling on old and not very clean socks. From constant preoccupation he was more dried up. Even stray dogs tucked in their tails and wailed mournfully when Uncle Herman passed by. And having failed to find anything on the balcony that would allow her to reach up to the latch, Tanya became slightly melancholy. She did not intend to beg Pipa to open it for her in order to not give her additional pleasure. chuchundra! You’ll “Well, no matter, chuchundra! You’ll still discover five redundant redund ant mistakes in your next homework assignments!” She thought vindictively. Tanya wrapped herself in the blanket, pressed her forehead against the glass, and began to look at the courtyard. Below, cars, small like beetles, were parked. The roofs of the garage-cockleshell glistened like silver. The sleepy yard-keeper, to spite everyone still sleeping, was rattling the cover of the waste bin.


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“Now if I would be able to fly! I would open the window, spread my arms, and fly far, far away from here, hundreds, thousands of kilometres, to where my papa is! And if I would have wings, well, like that sheet, for example...” Tanya thought sadly. Unde Underr her her eyes eyes the the big big red red sheet sheet,, tremb trembli ling ng on a brok broken en bran branch ch of the the mapl maple, e, unexpectedly tore away, soared up the entire three floors, and was pasted to the glass directly opposite her face. While the girl was pondering how it could happen that the sheet flew up instead of down, the latch loudly clanged like the lock of a rifle. Turning around, Tanya saw Aunt Ninel in a night gown. Wiping her eyes, Aunt looked at her with disgust. In the past ten years she had grown three times as stout and could now travel only in the service elevator. In order that she could squeeze into the kitchen, it was necessary to enlarge en large the door. “Why are you hanging around here?” Aunt Ninel asked with suspicion. “And why not? Your Pipa locked me in,” Tanya was bewildered. With the Durnevs she eternally felt guilty. Probably, they were aiming at this, day after day, year after year, poisoning her existence. “Don’t “Don’t you dare lie, thankless thankless trash!” Aunt Ninel snapped, as if she did not just open the latch. “What’s “What’s this with ‘your Pipa’? Pipa’? And this after the cousin cousin gave you her beloved pencil case as a birthday present?” Tanya wanted to say that the pencil case was old, and all the pens either smeared or did not write at all, but she decided that it would be better to keep quiet. Especially as the next day Pipa purposely cut the pencil case up with a blade. “Why do you keep quiet? You think it’s pleasant for me to talk with you? March into the kitchen to sort out the buckwheat! You love to eat — love also to prepare!” Aunt was angry. Slipping past her, Tanya went to the Durnev’s kitchen with gleaming tiles glazed sky blue and, having poured buckwheat out onto the table, began to sift the dark grains. To tell the truth, the buckwheat was sufficiently clean, but Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel were crazy about ecologically clean food, extra-pure water, and other similar whims. Of filters alone they had a whole seven pieces in the kitchen. True, the Durnevs nevertheless forced Tanya to drink from under the faucet in order to not pay for filter cartridges for her. However, Tanya also returned the favour, periodically pouring water from the toilet tank into the teapot for them. Unwillingly sorting the buckwheat, the girl occasionally raised her head and looked sideways at her reflection in the large nickel-plated extension above the stove. The extension was new like the kitchen, and everything was reflected in it as in a mirror, only not flat but convex. Either the extension flattered or Tanya actually looked considerably better than Pipa. Well-built, mischievous, sharp-eyed... Here only the small birthmark on the tip of the nose gave her either a mysterious or devil-may-care look. How many long minutes, especially in first and second grade when they teased her terribly and hurt her feelings because of this birthmark, the girl examined it in the mirror! And the longer she examined it, the more often it came to her head that she never saw similar birthmarks on anyone. Her birthmark sometimes changed colour, becoming either pink and imperceptible or almost black. It could decrease and increase in size. Every time that Tanya got sick or not long before some big trouble the birthmark began to pulsate and would even be very hot as if it were being seared with a hot nail. And finally, right


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beside beside the birthmark birthmark it was possible to make out a scar consisting consisting of two tiny dots. And are these not bites perhaps, and if so, from what? Maybe even the birthmark itself sprung from a bite? Aunt Ninel looked into the kitchen. Her unwieldy hulk hung above the girl like a reinforced concrete plate. “Why are you dawdling? Have you sorted out the buckwheat? Cook for us from this pile, and you can prepare for yourself something from these little black dots. And don’t be embarrassed. If bread is needed, take the leftover from guests. The mould on it can be cut off without efforts.” For breakfast, besides kasha, kasha, the Durnevs ate red caviar and sandwiches with sturgeon. Tanya despondently sat on a stool next to the dog dish and chewed dry bread almost like rock. Moreover, when she started to move, the dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres growled and hung onto her sneakers with its teeth. “Don “Don’’t you dare dare teas teasee the the dog! dog!”” Aunt Aunt Nine Ninell scre scream amed ed,, and and a cont conten ente ted d Pipa Pipa unnoticeably stirred with her feet under the table, trying to anger the dachshund still more. Unexpectedly from the frail chest of Uncle Herman, stirring the tea with a spoon, a heart-rending sigh was forced out. “Ple “Pleas ase, e, don’t don’t shou shout! t! My head head aches aches terr terrib ibly ly.. I had an awfu awfull dream dream,” ,” he aske asked d pleadingly. He had hardly uttered this when Aunt Ninel and Pipa instantly became quiet, and even One-And-A-H One-And-A-Half alf Kilometres, Kilometres, this evil rheumatic pug stopped stopped growling. growling. The fact is that Uncle Herman NEVER IN HIS LIFE dreamt. In any case, in the past he did not talk about them. pampushka?” Aunt “Wha “W hatt did did you see, ee, pampushka?” Aunt Nine Ninell some someti time mess call called ed her her husb husban and d pampushka, pampushka, though it would be more correct to call him “skeletoshka.” There and then, having altered “pampushka” into “skeletoshka” for herself, Tanya began to smile quietly and immediately looked around in fear. No, no one noticed, everyone was staring at the dreamer Uncle Herman in amazement. Durnev looked fearfully sideways at the window. “I dreamt of an old woman,” he said in a half whisper. “A terrible old woman who was sent to us in a cardboard box. An old woman with red eyes and disgusting slobbery jaw. She stretched out her arms... her arms were SEPARATE, not attached to the body... she gripped me by the neck with her bony fingers and demanded...” “Mommy! What?” Pipa gave a squeak, dropping from her mouth the piece of sturgeon falling precisely onto the dachshund’s nose. “She said: ‘Return to me what she’s hiding!’” “Return what?” “Where am I to know that from? I even don’t know who this ‘she’ is!” Uncle Herman snapped. He wanted to add something else, but suddenly Pipa screamed deafeningly: “Eek! This fool nearly toppled the table! I’m scalded by tea!!!” Both the older Durnevs at once turned and stared at Tanya. Pipa continued to squeal detestably, detestably, wailing that she must urgently be in the hospital and that she could not feel her legs. Tanya sat as in a fog, not understanding what happened and why everyone was looking at her. And then she suddenly perceived that she was squeezing the table-top with


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her hands. So this is why Pipa was squealing — she, Tanya, for some reason gripped the table and, abruptly pulling it, scalded her with tea! Aunt Ninel turned around furiously furiously. The stool under her — one of the new, new, recently purchased stools — cracked c racked deafeningly. “Don’t you infuriate me, I would but break it! Now march to get dressed and get to school!!” She yelled at Tanya. The girl got up and, not understanding why her head was spinning, went into the room. She just now understood that everything happened at that moment when Uncle Herman mentioned the yellow old woman and her words: “Return to me what she’s hiding!” *** Tanya was sent off to school alone. Pipa was making use of the situation in order to dump everything on the burn and remained at home to watch TV. “Mama! Papa! Because of this painful attack I cannot go to the test! Now I’ll have precisely a three for this term! It’s thanks to her, this idiot! I get bad marks because of her!” She howled, although Tanya knew perfectly well that Pipa viewed tests as death in white slippers. Moreover the tea was indeed not quite so hot, and if the puffed up daughter of Uncle Herman and an d Aunt Ninel got burned, then only in her imagination. But the most annoying thing was that both Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel believed every word of their girlie. “Oh, Pipa, well what can I do with this criminal? You know meanwhile we cannot send her to the orphanage, and they do not take anyone into the colony until they are fourteen!” Aunt Ninel lamented, when Tanya, dressed in an absurd crimson-grey jacket, on which instead of buttons there was some ugliness — either rosettes or bulbs, stood in the corridor. “Nonse “Nonsense nse,” ,” Tanya anya could could not contai contain n hersel herself. f. “If she will will have a three, three, then then only because she has more twos than pimples in her diary. Have you ever seen a person who wrote ‘vegetable’ not only with a soft sign but also in two words?” “Don’t you dare speak out! And how, in your opinion, is it written, without a soft sign perh perhap aps? s? That’ That’ss it, it, I have have no more more stre streng ngth th!! Eith Either er some some dirt dirty y shir shirker ker made made an appointment with me, pretending to be invalids only on the grounds that they have no arms and legs, or this little monster... I can’t take anymore, I’m leaving...” Uncle Herman groaned and, pressing his temples with his han ds, set off for the office. Aunt Ninel moved up to Tanya, leaned toward her and, with hatred burning in her small eyes sunk into thick cheeks, started to hiss like a snake: “You’ll “You’ll pay for this! You’ll You’ll pay! Now I’ll definitely chuck your idiotic double bass case from the house!” It seemed to Tanya that they precisely jabbed her with a red-hot knitting needle. Aunt Ninel knew how to find her weakest point. Indeed it would be better she called her a dimwit or a degenerate a hundred times — she was already used to this, — but to throw out the case... “Just try to touch it!” Tanya shouted. The old double bass case, lying in a cabinet on the glaze glazed d balc balcony ony,, was was the only only thin thing g in the the house house of the the Durn Durnev evss that that utte utterl rly y and completely belonged to her. It is complicated to say why Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel


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did not chuck it before now. And And another another strange thing — why they never told Tanya Tanya about how this case turned up in their apartment and who, crying from hunger, lay in it. “This indeed I will decide, my dear! Have no doubt: today your case will be in the gutter! And now march to school!” Aunt Ninel snorted with satisfaction. Pipa, looming behind mama’s back, triumphantly stuck out her long tongue the colour of undercooked liver sausage. Multicoloured spots began to jump before Tanya’s eyes. In order not to fall, she leaned against the lintel. The face of Aunt Ninel seemed to her sculpted from fat. “If... if you throw it out, I’ll leave home! I’ll live where it’s convenient, at the station, in the woods! You hear? You hear?” She yelled. Aunt Ninel was lost for an instant. She did not suspect that Tanya could fly into such a rage. Usually the girl suffered everything silently. silently. Moreover, it came to the mind of Uncle Herman’s wife that if the girl would live at the station, the reporters would sniff this out and it would prevent further advancement of her spouse as deputy of the committee “Loving Aid to Children and Invalids.” And if one considers the elections in two months, a scandal is especially not needed. “I’m very frightened... And you live in the gutter if nothing else! Nevertheless I’ll chuck the case, if not today, then tomorrow. There’s no need for such a fright to be in our apartment,” Aunt Ninel barked already not so furiously, more simply to not immediately surrender her position, and, turning heavily on her thick heels, made her way to the kitchen. Tanya picked up her bag with textbooks — a nightmarish nightmarishly ly tight bag on which was depicted a goggle-eyed doll and which more suited first grade, and went out onto the landing. Waiting for the elevator, she heard how Pipa was squealing hysterically and Aunt Ninel, making excuses, prattled to her: “Well “W ell what can I do? Now we totally must not have a scandal. You You know papa soon has elections! He’s so worried, so nervous, and here these petitioners still constantly drag themselves along to him on appointment! Indeed isn’t it enough for them that papa sacrifices two tons of expired canned food yearly in favour of the poor, not counting old clothing? Well no matter, very soon we’ll discard all the dirty rubbish of this beggar, you’ll see!” On the way and even afterwards, in the school itself, Tanya was constantly wondering whether she would see her case again or not. Aunt Ninel found an excellent way to spoil her entire day. And even a set of other days too. *** Arriving at school, Tanya soon realized that Pipa was absent from the test for nothing. For nothing because they cancelled the test, and instead of it arranged an excursion to the Armoury, Armoury, which should have been on the following Thursday. After the first class a terrible bustle broke out. A red bus with the sign “EXCURSION” drove into the schoolyard and began to signal. The class teacher Irina Vladimirovna was frantically swinging her arms — if these were not arms but wings, she would certainly take off — and shouted:


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“Children, are you listening to me? The test has been cancelled! Everyone who has paid get into the bus! The rest go to help the cleaning woman wash stairs from the first to the fifth floor!” Tanya sighed, sensing that this applied to her. The Durnevs paid only for Pipa. They never paid anything for Tanya — neither gifts for New Year, nor theatres, nothing. Even for school breakfasts or tickets Uncle Herman always handed out the money with the great greates estt relu reluct ctan ance, ce, and and that that was was only only becaus becausee if he refu refuse sed d to give give it, it, it woul would d immediately immediately attract someone’s someone’s attention. attention. As far as pocket money was concerned, concerned, it was not even worth mentioning. The only money that Tanya held in her hands in her entire life was a five-rouble coin she somehow found in winter, frozen in a puddle. She was so bewildered that she did not know how to spend it. The coin lay in her pocket for a long time, but later Aunt Ninel found it and stated that Tanya stole it from Pipa. By the way, for each five they paid Pipa fifty roubles, and forty for a four. However, more often Pipa got by with thirty roubles. Whil Whilee her her clas classm smat ates es got got into into the the bus, bus, Tany anya cont contin inue ued d to stan stand d besi beside de in embarrassment, estimating, whether she would be made to carry a rag along the steps or it would be possible to at least ask to bring water. She had already turned around in order to leave, but Irina Vladimirovna overtook her and, anxiously bobbing on the spot — she generally behaved exactly like a hen, — clucked: “Grotter! Tatiana! Tatiana! Why are you not on the bus? b us? You You need a special invitation?” “I don’t particularly want to... I cannot stand these museums,” Tanya said, trying not to look at her. Irina Vladimirovna again bounced. “Untrue, Grotter! You simply know that they did not pay for you! But they paid for Penelope. All the same money will be wasted. March into the bus and don’t make me nervous!” Not believing in such luck, Tanya quickly got into the bus. Of course, in three years the Durnevs will reproach her that the unfortunate Pipa, scalded by boiling water, was lying almost in a coma and not taken to the Armoury because of her, and so they will find something to sting her. But for the time being it is possible to sit in the bus, look out the window at the houses floating past, and be glad. And later there will still be the excursion and the same long road back to the school. A whole day of happiness! And everything that will happen later, and all matters, is possible to simply discard from the head. Tanya found for herself a pretty good place by the window, where next to her sat sullen and silent Genka Bulonov, from whom it was not worthwhile to wait for any dirty tricks, and nestled her forehead close to the glass. Swaying with difficulty, the bus left the schoolyard. Grey damp houses gleamed. The signboards of stores began to sparkle. Trees dazzling with vividness spread like multicoloured card packs. Traffic lights winked. Dirty puddles scattered merry drops in the air. Passers-by looked around at the bus, and it seemed to Tanya that each was looking precisely at her and thinking: “It’s carrying her, here she’ll go to the Armoury, Armoury, but I have all kinds of boring business!” When they passed along their district, several times large advertising panels flashed. The best best deput deputyy — your your From the placards Uncle Herman looked pink and merry. The deputy! The inscription under his photograph said. On the placards Uncle Herman really looked quite good even.


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Only Tanya alone, perhaps Pipa and Aunt Ninel as well, knew how many hours the photographer wasted with Uncle Herman and how much cotton wool he told him to put under his cheeks so that Uncle Herman would look a little less like a vampire. But now even the physiognomy of “the best deputy” seen everywhere could not poison Tanya’s happiness. She was going to the museum! For the first time in her life something pleasant has come her way! It was indeed as if they muddled up something in the sky and the horn of abundance, abundance , always spilling on Pipa, spilled on her by b y mistake. “You... this...” someone’s hoarse voice was heard beside her. Tanya turned around in wonder. Likely Bulonov uttered it, and she had completely forgotten about his existence. As well as the fact that he generally knows how to talk. “What’s “What’s with you, Bouillon?” “Nothing...” Bulonov growled out and again was immersed in silence. He had such a contented look as if he already knew the future of ten days ahead. “Well “W ell nothin nothing, g, so hold hold your your tongue! tongue! Got carrie carried d away here!” Tanya Tanya snorte snorted d and, instantly forgetting her neighbour, was again occupied with what was happening beyond the window. And there something interesting was actually taking place. Suddenly a large Russian borzoi was linked to the bus and for a long time was running next to it. Still it startled the girl why this expensive dog went for a walk without its owner. It was also strange that this borzoi was tearing along not in the manner of a normal dog, with confused barking attempting to grab hold of a wheel with its teeth. It was speeding along intelligently, all this time without turning its watchful eyes away from Tanya. It was even possible to think that the borzoi was perturbed by something and was attempting to communicate something to her. Suddenly Genka Bulonov yawned with such a dreadful click of his jaws that half the bus turned to him. Tanya was also distracted for an instant, and when she again looked out the window, the Russian borzoi had already disappeared. There, where the bus had recen recentl tly y pull pulled ed up to the the traf traffi ficc light light,, stoo stood d a skin skinny ny redred-hai haire red d woman woman with with the the dishevelled red hair moving so threateningly, as if... no, certainly these were not snakes. The skinny woman, it seemed, without special interest looked sideways at the bus and, turning, walked away. Her strange long raincoat was bespattered by mud in the same places as the fur of the borzoi rushing along the puddles. Tanya even leaped up, but the bus was already moving. An instant — and in the glass again flickered only grey houses, telephone booths, and transparent bus stops. Several minutes passed before Tanya finally discarded this story from her head. Yes, today today was defini definitel tely y a special special day, day, resembl resembling ing very very little little the previo previous us three three thousand two hundred and eighty-five days past since that evening when a worn double bass case appeared on the landing of a multi-storey house on Rublev Road... Before the entrance into the Armoury the children were arranged in pairs. Doing a recount of everyone, everyone, Irina Vladimirovna Vladimirovna almost fainted fainted from the responsibi responsibility lity.. The potbellied gym teacher Prikhodkin, sent on the excursion as a second escort, behaved in a more even-tempered way: counted no one and only blinked despondently. Likely he would with great pleasure doze in the bus. “We’re visiting the museum in pairs! All exhibits we touch only with our eyes! With eyes, I said! Remember, everything is under surveillance! Just try to break a display case or stick chewing gum onto the tsar’s throne!” Irina Vladimirovna squeaked threateningly.


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Genka Bulonov immediately came to life. It was evident that the idea of using chewing gum attracted him by its novelty. When her turn arrived to hand over her jacket to the cloakroom, Tanya, as always, sensed awkwardness. Under the jacket she had a dreadful jean shirt with a frayed collar, which was befitting perhaps to be thievishly tossed into the garbage bin at three in the morning. Although the Durnevs were rich, they always dressed the girl very badly — in the most worn and dirty junk, which Uncle Herman’s firm dealt in. And Aunt Ninel always picked such footwear, either too small for Tanya or big to such an extent that she had to shuffle with the soles on the floor so that her feet would not slip. Not surprising then that, seeing Tanya in these rags, even Aunt Ninel, as dry and tactless tactless as an African African rhino, now and then experienced experienced some kind of pang of conscience and began to tell all the teachers indiscriminately: “Yes, I agree, we don’t dress her very well. However, she’ll tear everything all the same! But what do you want from the daughter of a thief and an alcoholic? My husband and I accomplished unpardonable stupidity taking her in, and now we bear the cross.” The classmates, dressed much better, contemptuously looked askance at Grotter. Grotter. “Here’s an eyesore... She dressed herself up so that now they’ll give her a kopeck... Disgraces everyone!” They grimaced. Tanya had not one friend among them, and if one even appeared temporarily, Pipa and all her toadies began to ridicule her right away. Therefore not one friend remained next to Tanya for a long time. A week would not pass when she would side with Tanya’s persecutors and gloatingly ridiculed her birthmark from the opposite corner of the class. And Tanya understood her perfectly: it was necessary to curry favours with Pipa, making amends for her friendship... Accompanied by the small round-shouldered guide, who looked so decrepit as if he was much older than all local exhibits, they passed several halls. At first Tanya listened with inte intere rest st,, but gradu gradual ally ly her inte intere rest st disa disapp ppear eared ed becau because se the the guid guidee was was speak speakin ing g approximately one and the same words: “Eh-eh-eh... Before you a signet r-ing, presented by Catherine II to Count Orlov... Selling this ring, it was possible to purchase 10,000 peasa-nts... And this is the diadem, presented to the tsarina by Prince Potemkin... It would be possible to ac-qu-ire 15,000 pea-sa-nts with it.” The guide uttered all these numbers so indulgently and ordinarily as if off-duty he was only occupied with trading peasants, on the sly bartering them with exhibits from his museum. They were already in the sixth or seventh hall when suddenly something compelled Tanya to stop. At the same time it was as if something light and weightless stirred in her chest. Under the convex armoured glass a gold sword lay on a high pedestal illuminated by several high-power lights. Its wide blade serrated a little along the edges was covered with intricate characters. All around there were so many pleasing priceless weapons, but for some reason they did not stick in her mind, yet here was this sword... It was possible to think that once she already held it... Some delirium... Uncle Herman never even bought her a plastic sabre, but here a gold sword... And he would sooner eat his necktie than imagine such a thing to himself. And nevertheless it stubbornly continued to seem to Tanya that this sword was known to her. her.


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A little little more and Tanya would find the answer, answer, in her consciousnes consciousnesss a tiny little little gold spark already began to appear, appear, but here someone someone carelessly carelessly removed removed it from the display case. Beside it loomed the guide, automatically repeating like an old record text cut into the memory. “Before us a sword found in the tomb of a Scythian leader. You will focus attention on the signs covering its blade. They are interesting in that they have no analogy to any written languages known to us... They defy deciphering, so that most likely it’s simply a design with which the master decorated the sword during its casting.” “And how many peasants peasants can be bought with it?” Pavlik Pavlik Yazvochk Yazvochkin, in, the chief wit of the class, interrupted. The guide looked sideways first at the sword, and then at the wit. It seemed he was evaluating them with his eyes, precisely an old man and a loan shark. “How many pea-sa-nts, I do not know. But a couple thousand of such as you, it is indeed possible...” he said sadly. “Now let us move on to the next exhibit... You see the pood ring from the golden gates, which, according to the legend, fell down on the two- pood crown of Julius Caesar the minute he triumphantly entered Rome as the head of his legions...” The entire class following the guide spilled over to the adjacent display case. Only Tanya remained near the sword. Involuntarily, not realizing what she was doing, the girl stretched out her hand in order to touch the sword. Of course her fingers hit on the armoured glass. Immediately a bell began to jingle, and in only a second the huge superv superviso isorr, resemb resemblin ling g a gorill gorillaa rented rented from from the zoo and on which which were were stretc stretched hed haphazardly a skirt and a tight wig, clutched Tanya Tanya by the sleeve. “Didn’t they tell you: don’t touch anything! Here I’ll call security now... Where’s the teacher?” She yelled louder than the siren. “Please don’t pay any attention! She’s with us, a character, a fool! Her papa is a convict,” Lena Mumrikova barged in, emaciated, a girl cast in unhealthy green, the chief among Pipa’s toadies. “Shut up, green toad!” Tanya exclaimed, not recognizing her own voice. She terribly wanted to attach Mumrikova’s nose to the glass so that the surveillance would snap to action once more, but it was not possible to do this because the supervisor continued to hold her tight. Fortunately, Fortunately, instead of Irina Vladimirovna, who for sure would tell tales to the Durnevs, gym teacher Prikhodkin, falling over, approached them. “You’re “You’re what? Her teacher?” The supervisor asked mistrustfully. mistrustfully. “Aha! “Aha! It’s It’s my teacher teacher!! Beloved Beloved,, from from the very very first first class class,” ,” Tanya anya immedi immediatel ately y confirmed. “And “And you keep quiet!” quiet!” The superv superviso isorr bellow bellowed. ed. “I’m “I’m asking asking the man: you’re you’re the teacher?” “Yes...” “Yes...” confirmed Prikhodkin. “Eh-eh, if so...” the supervisor stupidly fixed her eyes on the stomach of the gym teacher. It was enormous, as if Prikhodkin swallowed a ball, and involuntarily inspired respect. “Then here’s what we’ll do: please hold this, your teenybopper, and don’t let go! Don’t dare let her touch anything!” She decided. “I’m already taking her away.”


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The huge fingers of Prikhodkin closed like a steel handcuff on the wrist of the girl. For awhile he dragged her like a kid after himself along the halls, but then for some reason he needed his hand. He unclenched his fingers and released Tanya. She hurriedly ran off several steps and turned, checking whether he would remember about her. But the gym teacher only absent-mindedly fumbled with his fingers somewhere below as if vaguely recollecting that he was holding something, and began to stomp after the class. Then he paused for a moment and — possibly, it only seemed to Tanya — in a friendly way wink winked ed at her her. Tanya anya was was grat gratef eful ul to this this scat scatte tere redd-br brai aine ned d stou stoutt pers person on.. Furthermore, she recalled that in his classes Prikhodkin always treated her rather well and called her “Baby Grotter” as a joke: “If you would all run the hundred-metre like Baby Grotter!” Or: “Today we have the long jump. Baby Grotter will show us how it should be done...” They passed more halls and, according to the internal placement of the museum having traced a semicircle, they again found themselves not far from the exit. Here the guide whispered something to the teacher, looked sourly at the children, and left. “Attention! Everyone look at me! Now you can wander along the halls independently. We’re meeting here in ten minutes! And remember what I said: don’t touch anything, don’t grab, and don’t mark! Mumrikova, don’t you dare throw candy wrappers into the Chinese vase! It was not made for that five hundred years ago!” Irina Vladimirovna shouted. The The clas classm smat ates es wand wander ered ed off off in the the Armo Armour ury y, but the the majo majori rity ty dash dashed ed into into the the cloakroom to buy souvenirs and postcards. Tanya, willingly separating from the class, again set off for the hall where the sword was. She wanted to look at it after all, if the supervisor would not drive her away. Unexpec Unexpected tedly ly,, the birthm birthmark ark on Tanya’ anya’ss nose nose start started ed to hurt, hurt, as if someon someonee was scorching it with a match. Such a thing had never happened before. Grimacing, Tanya rushed to the nearest mirror in a heavy ancient frame. At this moment the birthmark seemed to her especially ugly ugl y, like a lump of buckwheat porridge sticking to the tip of her nose. How she hated it at this moment! “Get off from my nose! I tell you — there!” She shouted to the birthmark. Suddenly a terrible howl was heard, eardrums could burst from it. It seemed all sirens in the Armoury simultaneously snapped into action. Lights began to blink. Running into the hall, Tanya saw that an enormous hole gaped in the glass of the display case, the sword disappeared, and the supervisor so like a gorilla was lying in a formless heap on the floor. At that moment when Tanya entered, the narrow little pane on the lattice window of the museum slammed shut. However, the hall, even without that, was full of noise. Tanya froze fearfully. In the corridors the stamping of many feet was already heard. Remembering that they would find her here, the girl wanted to run out fast but she was too late. Into the hall ran the guards, the guide, workers of the museum, Prikhodkin and Irina Vladimirovna, and a good half of o f the class. Rushing to the broken display case, they froze wonder-struck. Others attempted to switch off the siren and bring the supervisor round. “Stolen! What was in this case?” Someone shouted. “The gold sword!” The round-shouldered guide said with infinite despondency in his voice. “And what do you think: for forty years already already I have been tormented by the pr-


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remonition that this would happen one day. About seventeen years ago I ago I even even shared my considerations with the now no w deceased director.” “It’ “It’ss that that same same swor sword d that that Grot Grotte terr touch touched! ed! She She was the the very very firs firstt here! here!”” Lena Lena Mumrikova began to bawl suddenly. “It wasn’t me!” Tanya Tanya shouted, but almost no one was listening to her. And even if they did, they did not believe her. A ring of people surrounded Tanya, staring at her. No one walked up close to her as if she was a leper. leper. At this moment the supervisor opened her eyes slightly. slightly. On seeing Tanya, Tanya, she groaned: “Again this girl!” And again she fainted. Tanya sensed that she was blushing, moreover she was not simply blushing but had become crimson, exactly a tomato. She attempted to justify herself, but no one was listening to her h er.. “Classy! I don’t believe my eyes! Grotter swiped the gold sword!” Genka Bulonov exclaimed, almost choking from such enthusiasm and sticking chewing gum on the throne. “It wasn’t me!” Tanya shouted. “Shut up! There was no one else in the hall! Search her!” Lena Mumrikova shouted. Tanya, anya, swea sweaty ty and and bewil bewilde dere red, d, moved moved back, back, flyin flying g with with her back back agai agains nstt Irin Irinaa Vladimirovna. “Grotter! Tatiana! Tatiana! What horror! What disgrace! How could cou ld you?” She clucked. “Really, “Really, will no one stand up for me?” Tanya thought with horror, but then as if through a fog she heard the voice of the gym teacher Prikhodkin: “I’ll not allow her to be searched! She was with me all the time! And how could she knock down this hippo?” He said in a bass voice, nodding at the supervisor supervisor lying lying on the floor, who again began to raise her head. “A-a-a... The hippo himself... I’m dying...” she groaned and carefully, in order not to hurt the back of her h er head, fainted anew. Squeezing through the crowd, a mean confident person approached Tanya. “Lieutenant Colonel Chuchundrikov. Security service,” he introduced himself. “Come with me!” Tanya anya dejecte dejectedly dly trudged trudged right right behind behind,, sensin sensing g how behind behind her the amazed amazed and simultaneous simultaneously ly enraptured classmates classmates were dragging themselves along like a split herd. How do you like that — a demure Grotter and suddenly she arranged such a thing! They They turn turned ed to the the righ right, t, once once agai again n to the the right right,, and desce descende nded d the the shor shortt stai stairs rs downward. The mean person brought Tanya to the high plastic arch. “Go through the detector!” He ordered. Tanya, shrugging her shoulders, took a step through the arch. She knew that she had nothin nothing. g. An instan instantt — and the detector detector litera literally lly began to shake shake from from ringin ringing. g. The eyebrows of the mean little fellow predatorily went up. “Take out keys and all metallic objects,” he ordered. Tanya fearfully took out keys and again took a step into the arch. The detector again began to shake. “Well, that’s it, Grotter, the end for you! The sky in a cell, friends in stripes! You will run errands for someone for apple cores and toothpaste tubes!” Mumrikova shouted. “Quiet!” Prikhodkin ordered her. “This machine is most likely defective... Here I’ll go through now... There, it’s it’s quiet! What a skunk! skun k! Really she could... no, I don’t believe it!”


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“So... now we’ll find out... Come here! Not to me! To this screen!” The mean person dragged Tanya to the low screen, and he went up to the monitor. The girl heard as he muttered: “Hm... as if there is no sword... There is nothing... But why then does it ring? Some stupidity... stupidity... Well and she did not swallow this sword...” “May I leave?” Tanya asked. “Yes, “Yes,”” Lieute Lieutenant nant Colone Colonell Chuchun Chuchundri drikov kov allowe allowed. d. Pickin Picking g up the handse handsett of the internal telephone, he shouted into it: “Did “Did they they rewi rewind nd the the film film?? Well ell who’ who’ss ther there? e? The The girl girl?” ?” They They answ answer ered ed him him something. “You’re sure? Absolutely?” Continuing to hold the handset in his hand, the mean person looked darkly at Tanya, then at the teacher. It seemed to Tanya that her heart fell from a high, very high altitude. And it broke into smithereens. Her back got soaked, her palm were covered with sweat. Lieutenant Colonel stubbornly kept quiet. The girl blinked and, already standing with tightly closed eyes, heard the words: “It means this. Your student here has nothing to do with it. You can take her away. At the moment of the theft the tracking camera did not lock in on her.” Lena Mumrikova squealed from disappointment. “Well, “W ell, here you see! But what was on o n the film?” Prikhodkin exclaimed. The nose of the tiny Lieutenant Colonel hardly reached the button on his stomach. “None of your business,” the Lieutenant Colonel answered. “How is it not my business? She’s my student!” Prikhodkin was angry. “I don’t have the right to reveal anything. The investigation is not finished. I’ll ask you to clear the museum!” However, when they left the hall a minute later, it seemed to Tanya, slightly delayed because her legs felt like cotton wool, that he said to his assistant in an undertone: “Either you’ll explain to me what it was on the film or I won’t envy you. And I won’t envy myself.” Chapter 3 The Mysterious Double Bass and Lisper the Rabbit

“You eat the noodles from the day before yesterday. They’re sticking together a little, but you can warm them up. Only don’t take it into your head to set fire to the apartment — it’ll happen with you,” Aunt Ninel said sullenly. sullenly. “Thankie!” “Thankie!” Tanya Tanya blurted blurted out mockingly mockingly.. “And why, why, interesti interestingly ngly,, doesn’t doesn’t Pipa eat them? Afraid the noodles will wind around her tee th? Or crawl from her ears? It would be quite lovely with her hairdo.” “Hold your tongue! Or you’ll be left without breakfast!” Aunt Ninel bellowed. Considering that even day-before-yesterday noodles were better than nothing, Tanya grabbed a fork. Three and half days had passed since the incident in the museum. The first day was altoge altogeth ther er a night nightma mare re,, becau because se,, when when Tanya anya retu return rned ed home, home, they they alre already ady knew knew everything there. It turned out that Irina Vladimirovna and Lenka Mumrikova phoned


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almost simultaneously and, chattering, each excitedly reported her own version. What these versions were, Tanya did not know exactly, but the Durnevs went completely berserk. Likely, they decided that she stole the sword, and even if she did not, then it did not happen without her participation. “I said that you’d end up in prison!” Stomping his feet, Uncle Herman began to yell. Then he gripped gripped his side and collapsed onto the chair. chair. “My heart is breaking! When I found out about this, I ate nine instead of seven balls of homeopathic medicine!” He squealed. “If I die now, it’ll be on your conscience! What a stain on my dep uty career!” “Herman! The heart’s not there!” Aunt Ninel whispered. Pipa poked her head into the kitchen. “She specially plotted everything! She scalded me, and went on the excursion...” she squeaked. For someone scalded to death by tea she looked pretty good, except that she was covered with humongous pimples the size of half a fist. But it was due to her gorging on too many sweets... “Shut your mouth!” Not being able to control herself, Tanya shouted at Pipa. Her nerves were on edge, she had lived through too much today. today. It seemed seemed to her that inside her a fine string was stretched, and any minute now it would break. “Why do you talk to your cousin like that? And you, Pipa, go! What else can you pick up from this criminal!” Aunt Ninel said, pursing her lips. “Fleas! Let her roll to her daddy!” Pipa quickly added. Tanya jumped. Suddenly the door of the refrigerator, next to which Pipa was standing, flung open and hit her nose, and it was so swift that she did not have time to avoid it. The daughter of Uncle Herman squealed and grabbed grabbed her nose, instantly swelling swelling to the size of a large plum. Tanya stared at her own hands in amazement. How strange! She indeed only thought about this as the door instantly opened itself. Unbelievable! Aunt Ninel and Uncle Herman stared fixedly at Tanya, but she was standing too far from the door to be accused of anything. Pipa, wailing unpleasantly, was rolling on the floor. “My nose is broken! Call emergency! I need plastic surgery urgently!” She howled, panicking. Aunt Ninel by force removed the palms with which the daughter blocked up her face, and looked at her nose. “Calm down! The bones are intact, but here you definitely need lotion... And you, trash, march lively to your balcony and stay out of my sight!” Tanya left for the balcony and there, on the wide windowsill, wrapping herself up in the blanket, began to solve math problems. Everything that took place today seemed to her absolutely unreal. For this very reason Tanya decided not to think about this now, but to put off the thoughts for later, as late as possible. After some time Pipa entered the room and, having stuck her tongue out at Tanya behind the glass, sat at her own table. Tanya, with regret, discovered that the nose survived. It was covered with one bandage. “My compliments! Plaster suits you very well. You You became more attractive exactly with three pimples, which it hides!” Tanya said loudly loud ly.. Pipa pretended that she heard nothing. To pretend to be a deaf mute was quite her habit. Moreover, whatever you may say, she was in her room and Tanya on the balcony!


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Not paying Tanya any attention, Pipa took from her neck the lace with the key, opened the box and, reaching for the photograph, stared at it with melting eyes. Listening, Tanya distinguished the words the daughter of Uncle Herman muttered: “Oh! If you knew how hard it is for me to stand this fool! Pity that they cannot take her into a colony until she’s fourteen. Imagine how she managed to be original in the museum... She scalded me with boiling hot water, and herself...” “Ha! Telling the portrait about me! It seems the hit from the door proved to be too strong for our brain even limping slightly without that,” Tanya thought and began to solve the examples. In about five minutes Pipa stopped talking as to a child and, pressing the portrait to her chest, loudly exclaimed: “Oh G.P.! Oh dear G.P.!” Tanya even dropped the pen. This was the first occasion with her around that Pipa named the mysterious dandy depicted in the portrait. Who is this G.P.? Among her acquaintances acquaintances and classmates classmates there was definitely definitely no one with such initials. initials. There was, true, Genka Bulonov, but he was G.B. not G.P. Moreover, to fall in love with Bulonov... Even such a thing could not be expected of Pipa. So, it was necessary to search for someone else. “What “W hat’’s G.P G.P. for? for? Goga Goga Pups Pupsik ikov ov?? Gunya Gunya Pepe Pepets ts?” ?” Tanya anya bega began n to guess guess,, but immediately recalled suddenly that she had more important matters than to think about this nonsense. What matters to her about some Grisha Ponchikov, with whom the best deputy’s muddle-headed daughter has fallen in love? In recent days were there not enough enough stra strange nge event eventss for for whic which h ther theree is no expla explanat natio ion? n? Durn Durnev ev’’s dream dream.. .... The The refrigerator door... The sheet stuck to the glass... The Russian borzoi... The vanished gold sword... The longer Tanya reflected on all this, the tighter the knot of questions. Well fine, the sheet was brought by the wind and stuck to the glass because it was wet. The refrigerator door could open itself, or, say, Uncle Herman brushed against it with his elbow when in terror he clutched at his heart, estimating whether to feign a heart attack. The borzoi... hm... the borzoi... Well, let us say, it was linked to the bus because it was lost and Tanya looked like its mistress. Why think about the dog? Well, and how about the sword? Why did it disappear several minutes after the girl looked at it and what were the words of the security chief referring to: “Either you’ll explain to me what was on the film or I won’t envy you.” What was captured on the film? Is it this disgusting monster that appeared to Uncle Herman in a dream? For some reason each time Tanya thought about the old woman, her head began to spin in a terrifying way. way. *** On Thursday during the day Tanya returned from school earlier than usual. Senior students moving the new piano accidentally lowered it onto the foot of the fussing music teacher. They cancelled music and let the entire class go immediately after the third period. Opening the door with the key, Tanya understood suddenly that she was completely alone.


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Uncle Herman was in session in his committee, where the extremely important q uestion was being discussed, about the delivery of all kinds of marked down downhill downh ill skis (Uncle Herman just acquired a batch with plenty of them) to all pensioners older than a hundred; Aunt Ninel went out in the car to the supermarket, and Pipa together with Lenka Mumrikova and half a dozen of the other leeches set off for Russian Bistro. Tanya knew that Pipa, as usual, would start by buying everyone ice cream and crepes with chocolate, and for these the clingfishes would fawningly look her in the mouth and laugh at each of her jokes. After that incident in the museum many classmates ceased to notice Tanya altogether or whispered behind her back, only Genka Bulonov alone continuously stared at her in all the classes, and during recesses constantly loomed before her eyes, emitting dreadful sounds — either yawns or sighs. It was likely that the poor fellow, how to call it, had fallen head over heels in love. In any case, Tanya thought so for the time being. Once when there was no one else near, Bulonov approached her from the side, coughed, and shyly hailed her: “Grotter!” “What’s “What’s with you, Bouillon?” Genka looked around timidly, and then mysteriously whispered in her ear: “Let’s “Let’s rob a bank! I’ve dreamt about this for a long time!” “What?” Not believing her own ears, Tanya stared at Bouillon. So here, it appears that this silent lump nurtured some kind of plan, he could not even throw a ball in gym such that, bouncing off anything, it would not deal a blow to his forehead. Bouillon impatiently waited for an answer. “We’ll “W e’ll rob, we’ll rob! The main thing, you don’t be n ervous. Eat your soup well. Gather strength,” Tanya calmed him. Genka swallowed nervously, nervously, continuing to humbly devour devo ur her with his eyes. He had the look of a hungry mongrel waiting for a slice of meat to be thrown to it. “And what’s there for me to do?” He asked. “Fall on deaf ears! Do you have a cap with slits for eyes?” Bouillon shook his head. “No cap?” Tanya pressed. “Too bad! And no pistol?” “I-e-a-e... Not at present.” “With what do you intend to rob the bank, a teapot? Go there quick, Bouillon. Now when you’ve acquired it — then come!” Recalling now what a stupid face Bulonov had, Tanya smiled and quickly threw down her jacket. Who knows how long she will be alone, without the Durnevs. Not a minute to lose if she wants to replenish her stock. She took out of the refrigerator a couple of yogurts, sawed off with a knife a decent piece of sausage, and slipped an orange into her pocket. Interesting, will Aunt Ninel notice? Hardly. The refrigerator has so much produce in it that it is bursting at the seams, and today she will bring more in the car. Besides produce, Aunt Ninel for sure will purchase two dozen magazines on fitness and aerobics, and also any thick book like How like How to drop forty kilograms in ten days. days . As far back as Tanya remembered, Aunt Ninel dreamt her entire life about losing weight, but for some reason only Uncle Herman grew thin. Nothing helped Aunt Ninel, although twice a week she arranged for herself half-hour starvations.


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One-And-A-Half Kilometres from under the table grumbled with hatred at Tanya. If it would be able to, it would certainly rat on her. Not able to control herself, the girl stomped it with her foot and shouted: “Ho-o!” From indignation the old pepper-shaker almost choked on its own bark, but growling, it went to the dish to lap up water. “Drink and don’t gurgle, or that tail will fall off!” Tanya advised it. Having destroyed destroyed in the kitchen all traces of her stay, stay, she, chewing a piece of red fish on the way, left for Pipa’s room, from the floor to ceiling crammed with soft toys. Just lions alone Pipa had seven, not counting bears, cats, gnomes, and giraffes. The soft toys were given to her by Uncle Herman’s numerous business partners, who did not have enough imagination to present as gifts something more worthwhile. If they only knew that Pipa kicked their toys with her feet, ran over them with a bicycle, and occasionally even gutted them with a penknife. It would seem with such an attitude she could give something to Tanya as presents, but that would never even enter Pipa’s head. Carefully stepping over the photo albums (fifty pimpled faces of Pipa in each) and the computer game disks scattered on the floor, Tanya picked her way to the balcony. She knew perfectly perfectly well that were she to move any disk a centimetre centimetre or to flip a page of one of Pipa’s magazines, that one would go into terrible hysterics and, rolling on the floor, would yell that Tanya ransacked her things. And indeed Pipa had a practised eye — each evening she spent an hour measuring with a thread the distance from one toy to another or sticking secret hairsprings in the table drawers. On the balcony Tanya opened the door of the wooden cabinet and took out the double bass case. The girl always liked this moment: the case slid out with a low creak, as if it grumbled good-naturedly good -naturedly,, greeting her. her. “Hello, old creak!” Tanya said to it. It was very pleasant pleasant to touch — warm, leathery leathery,, rough. Even in winter it was never cold, and Tanya always warmed her hands against it. Earlier, when Pipa mortally insulted her, or Aunt Ninel, not thinking twice, gave her a box on the ear, Tanya would hide inside the case, lay curled up there, swallowing her tears. And the case protected her. Or only it seemed to her that it did. When Tanya was five, Aunt Ninel attempted to drag her out from the case in order to punish her for an accidentally broken cup. Unexpectedly the cover suddenly without rhyme or reason slammed shut and pinched her hand so that Aunt Ninel for two weeks had it in a sling. And still she never decided to throw the case out, although she threatened to hundreds of times. Tanya opened the small ancient lock and, lifting the cover, slipped her hand into the case. Her fingers usually glided behind the facing into that small and only hiding-place where she hid her diary — not the one for school, accessible to all the teachers and Uncle Herman poking his nose everywhere, but the personal one to which she entrusted all secrets and sorrows. Suddenly the girl yelled and jerked back her hand. Instead of the diary her palm stumbled onto something sticky and slimy. Tanya, with difficulty, found in this filth her notebook, looking like as if someone chewed it up. In exactly the same manner the entire satin support for the double bass was damaged. Throwing open the other half of the cabinet, Tanya saw that her entire meagre possession appeared no better at all — slippery and slobbery, they were not hanging but literally flowing from the hangers. Tanya’s stomach tightened. Fearing that she would throw up, she slammed the cabinet shut. In the first instant she decided that Pipa played this dirty trick on her, but even the


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pimpled daughter of Uncle Herman, with all her hatred for Tanya, would not begin to chew up her things. At the most she would cut them with a razor, squeeze out half a tube of toothpaste into a pocket, or smear ketchup on the clothing. For anything more her resourcefulness was on no account sufficient. Most likely her pitiful brain would tie itself up in a wet knot. “Who did this? Who?” Tanya groaned. Her eyes pinched. A lump rose in her throat. It was her dear diary, to which she confided the deepest of her secrets, the only thing, not counting the double bass case, which belonged to her personally! “If I find the one who did this, — I’ll hit him!” Tanya shouted in fury. Suddenly in the cabinet someone started to snigger nastily. Here the sound was as if someone was scraping one sheet of sandpaper on another. The girl jerked her head up, and immediately a disgusting stinky lump of paper fell down onto her forehead, she vaguely guessed it to be the last pages of her diary. “H-ho! She’ll hit me, h-ho! Hit me, hit, h-ho! No o ne yet never hit Agukh!” Onto Tanya’s shoulder jumped a small disgusting creature with a fat body covered with stiff greasy hair. It had a tiny head with a wrinkled forehead, short curved legs with strong toes, a long, naked, pinkish tail like a rat’s, and long arms deprived of elbows bending in all directions. When the creature, sniggering abominably, threw open its enormous mouth full of small teeth, the lower part of its head remained on the spot, the upper part — with the nose, the forehead, up to the crown covered with mould — settled back as on a hinge. On the crown of the creature creature there were disgusting disgusting yellowish yellowish horns: the right one growing straight, and the left, small and undeveloped, bent slightly forward and to the side. Seizing Tanya’s shoulder, it forcefully pushed itself away from her and, with its head shattering a window into smithereens, was thrown into Pipa’s room. Leaving on the parquet slippery and dirty tracks, the creature scrambled onto the writing desk of the Durnevs’ daughter and in the blink of an eye drooled all over the entire mountain of magaz magazin ines es and text textboo books ks,, simu simult ltan aneo eous usly ly biti biting ng off off the the head headss of the the doll dollss in the the expensive collection. “It’l “It’lll be ba-ad ba-ad for you, ba-ad! ba-ad!”” It hissed hissed,, insole insolently ntly looking looking at Tanya anya with with eyes eyes discharging pus. “Better return what you hide, or you’ll di-e in terrible cramps! You’ll become a dead Lifeless Griffin!” “I don’t understand what you want!” “Don’t want to return it? H-ho!” The vile mouth opened with a crack like a dry nut, biting the phone receiver. “Don’t wa-nt to? Go figure!” “Return what?” Almost crying from loathing and horror, the girl shouted. “You “You li-e li-e that that you don’t don’t kno-ow kno-ow!! You know know everyt everything hing,, Grotte Grotter!” r!” Agukh became became furious. Its thin hand stretched to the monitor of Pipa’s computer on which she put a ll of her 300 game disks. The monitor was thin, liquid-crystal — a gift from Aunt Ninel to Pipa for managing to get a four in Botany for the year. Pipa presented this as her greatest achievement, although in reality the Botany teacher placed the marks by posing the question: starfish — is this a plant or not? Those who answered “no” got a “five” and everyone else — a “four.”


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“Don’t! Don’t touch the monitor!” Tanya shouted in horror, imagining what Pipa would arrange if it were broken. “Afra-id? So there you go! H-ho! Let them hang or quarter you for this! They’ll peel off the skin, cook you in red-hot lead!” The freak sniggered vilely. Grabbing the monitor by the cord, it dragged it to the edge of the table and pushed it downward. Something inside the monitor exploded faintly. faintly. “H-ho! Agukh punished you! So it will be with all Grotters! If you knew how Leopold implored the mistress not to kill you! Pitiful cow-ward!” Immediately on hearing the name of her father, Tanya Tanya recoiled in amazement. a mazement. “Not true, my papa is alive!” She shouted. “Cow-ward! Cow-ward! Cow-ward! He and his wife Sophia, stupid hen, all feared the mistress!” A red veil of anger obscured Tanya’s eyes. She could not endure when someone spoke thus about her parents — especially this vile, slippery creature with a rat tail and puny horns. “Well, get away from here, runt!” She shouted and, grabbing the pot of cactus from the windowsill, threw it with all her might at the disgusting creation. The pot got it right in the stomach, knocking it off the table, and in the next moment the needles of the upset cactus stuck directly to its soft face. Squealing hideously, hideously, the squirt threw himself h imself under the bed and, leaning out from there, yelled angrily: thus! I curse you! No one acted “ Nightmares ravings thus! ac ted so with Agukh! You You yourself don’t know what disaster you brought on yourself! Remember: you don’t retu-rn — you di-e! You’ll di-e in ter-rible pain! Mistress so said!” Threatening Tanya with a fist, the horned object slipped into the corridor and disappeared. Tanya got hold of a rag. The tracks left by the creature did not rub off, and with the attempt to clean them they only ate even deeper into the parquet and the polishing. Imagin Imagining ing how the Durnevs Durnevs would would behave behave when they they return returned, ed, Tanya anya deject dejectedly edly lowered herself onto Pipa’s bed. Pipa, it goes without saying, will arrange a scandal if she sees her here, and only... only... only she has already arranged arranged it, only have a look in the room. There is nothing to lose. Tanya’s cheeks were burning. Who was that vile runt? What did he know about her parents, and he knew something — there is no doubt about it. To what mistress was he referring? What was he searching for in the empty apartment? Why did he nibble the diary? One thing could be said accurately — the freak appeared not of his own free will. He was sent by someone who was very strongly provoked, someone thinking that Tanya could be hiding something in her case. Moreover, what he was searching for was a hundred times more valuable than the contents of Uncle Herman’s safe, the antique porcelain of Aunt Ninel, and all the junk of Pipa, toge ther. ther. Despite that everything was extremely dirty and nothing good to be expected, Tanya involuntarily smiled and knocked with a bent finger on her forehead. “Beep-beep, roof, beep-beep!” She said. What, have they all gone crazy? And who is she, after all, such that around her this entire devilry is created? Really does she have any belongings besides what is hidden in the double bass case and some filthy rags?


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True, this case is clearly very ancient, perhaps a little less ancient than the gold sword from from the museum, museum, which which disappe disappeare ared d soon soon after after she pressed pressed against against the glass glass with with admiration, discerning the mysterious signs on the blade. Especially memorized by her was the seemingly imprint imprint of a bird foot on wet sand. It still seemed to her that she saw something similar once before... And even not only saw it, but also... touched it. Tanya hardly thought about this “touched” when in a flash before her eyes arose the small tarnished tarnished plate which she always always squeezes squeezes with two fingers fingers — the thumb and the forefinger — and afterward pulls to herself. She remembered! It is the clasp of her case! Tanya dashed to the balcony and, getting down onto her knees, turned the double bass case on the side toward her. Here are the deep folds of the warm leather, and here is the clasp with exactly the same symbol — three fine lines taking off upwards and one down. And then — then then Tanya Tanya herself herself did not know what compell compelled ed her to act so, — she carefully traced with the little finger all four lines and, placing the finger in the small hollow in the centre, turned it exactly a half-turn. She waited a minute, two... Nothing happened. The same dull fall day da y, the same roofs of neighbouring neighbou ring houses. Sensing terrible disappointment, Tanya made these movements again — only now, tracing the outlines of bird track, she began from the centre claw... Again nothing... But what if we first touch lightly the hollow, and then move a finger lightly along all four lines of the track? No, it is useless. With each minute Tanya was seized by stronger despondency. And from what did she decide that something unusual must take place? Well, a plate is a plate. Must imagine less and know her place. And after all it is time to think about what she will say to Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel when they discover the chaos in the apartment. “Ah “Ah you! you! I don’t don’t want want you, you, and and don’ don’tt need need you! you!”” Tanya anya excl exclai aime med d and, and, with with disappointment, slammed shut the cover of the case, smacking a nail on the lock. She did not have time to sense the light pain in her nail and even hardly heard the sound of the smack as something elusive flashed by in the air. Most of all it resembled a gold vortex suddenly bursting into the open window of the balcony. Irrepressible and swift, the vortex playfully tore away all the papers from the place, overturned flower pots, tore up notebooks, and then, after descending directly to the centre of the case, assumed the form of an ancient ancient double bass with four strings — gold, silver, silver, copper, copper, and iron. The case fitted the instrument so ideally that it left no doubts — this was its case. Next to the double bass lay la y a small bow which was almost two times shorter than itself. Tanya’s heart was beating four times quicker. Not daring to touch the instrument, she stared at it wildly. Then, gathering her courage, Tanya carefully stretched her hand in order to take the bow, but it, not waiting, jumped by itself into her palm. A small birch bark certificate was stuffed between the bow and its strings. Unrolling it, Tanya with difficulty deciphered the ancient letters with flourish:

The magic double bass of Theophilus Grotter REMINDER TO USER

This magic double bass was created by the famous magician Theophilus Grotter in the middle of the XVII century and was used by him both for flights to the Bald Mountain and for fine magic. Deck boards from Noah’s Ark are used as material, and inside the


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hollow of the neck is accommodated the Rope of the Seventeen Hanged Men, snapping every time it had to execute an innocent man. The The doubl doublee bass bass make makess it possi possibl blee to acco accomp mpli lish sh pract practic ical ally ly all all magi magicc actio actions ns connected with transformation, telepathy, levitation, telekinesis, invocation, banishment of evil spirits, and removal of curses. However, its main function — function — high-speed high-speed flight. WARNING

1. Do not sit on the double bass until you master all of its magic functions and do not learn the flight incantations in the one hundred and twelve volumes of White Magic edited by Cain Frogman and Judah Toadstoolenko (publishing house Tower, Babylon, 7000 B.C.). 2. For repairs of the double bass on no account use spare parts from diving vacuums, mops with vertical takeoff, teeth-crushing teeth-crushing helicopters, helicopters, vanishing mortars, or juicerjuicervampires. 3. In the case of transportation of the double bass on dragons it is necessary to take all measures of fire-prevention: in particular, transport the instrument strictly in the fire proof case, protected by not less than a dozen fire quenching spells. During the time of transportation the same dragon should have on a flame-extinguishing muzzle. 4. Do not lose the bow! Without it you will lose the ability to control the double bass. 5. Do not allow overstretching or breaking of strings — strings — this this can lead to unpredictable consequences. 6. We remind you that this double bass is an instrument of exceptional White magic! In the case of its use for purposes purposes and needs of Black magic the instrument can lose magic powers. 7. Do not fight with the double bass, do not strike evil spirits with the bow, avoid collisions with solid objects! Violation of the given rules can lead to cracks in the instrument and liberation of the powerful curse contained in the Rope of the Seventeen Hanged Men. 8. During flights maintain special caution. Do not accelerate above the speed of sound! Do not rise to heights of more than ten thousand metres. This can lead to icing of the strings and fall of the instrument, as happened with the magician Lycurgus Behind-The Navelenn and his flying guitar. 9. Leaving the double bass in suspicious places, especially in places of mass inhabiting of evil spirits (neglected cemeteries, swamps, forests hit by storms, deserts), do not forget to protect it with the antitheft spell. This instruction is printed in the printing house of Koshchei the Immortal. Address: Bald Mountain, Drowned Man Avenue, Grave 7. To enter pull the tail of the dead cat. Tanya dropped the birch bark. In her eyes brown and red spots were spinning in a mad waltz — leaves, leaves, pens, sarcastic sarcastic faces of evil spirits. spirits. Afraid Afraid of falling, she gripped the cabinet with her hand, and it answered her with an unfriendly squeak. She was stupefied, frightened, enraptured all at the same time. Now she was absolutely absolutely certain that somewhere somewhere nearby, nearby, separated separated from her only by a thin wall, existed another world — a world full of riddles and secrets, the world of magic.


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And she, Tanya Grotter, orphan, in some manner was connected intimately to this world. The strings of the magic double bass began to hum conciliatorily con ciliatorily.. “Oh, mama! Someone from my ancestors was a magician who made this instrument! And I, then, also... No, it cannot be,” thought Tanya. She caught her breath, tears rolled down from her eyes. Swallowing them, Tanya stroked the resonant side of the double bass with a hand. She could hardly believe that it in reality existed, and was afraid that it would now take off and disappear like gifts dreamt by her on New Year’s Eve always disappeared. The Durnevs never gave her anything, except that Uncle Herman once gave her half a kilo of rock toffee reeking of fish, and Pipa added an old broom from herself, which, however, she very soon got solidly on the nose. Well, and it was some screech then! For the whole day they locked Tanya in the bathroom with the light off. But now it was not for Tanya to remember old insults. Really among her ancestors there were magicians! Indeed, until now, a day did not pass that the Durnevs would not call her the daughter of a criminal! It turns out it was all a lie to the last word! Tanya did not have time to take all this in as suddenly beside her was heard a frail voice squeaky squeak y with malice: “Ah-ha! Here’s where you are, trash! And what does all this mean?!” Tanya turned in fright. For a moment it seemed to her that she would now see that same short-legged dwarf who spoiled everything. But this turned out to be not the dwarf but something much worse... *** By the doors, pale blue from fury, resembling a vampire recently out of a grave, stood Uncle Herman. Tanya missed the moment when he entered the room. If his voters would see Uncle Herman now, they would indeed not assume that this face distorted with malice belonged to the best deputy, the friend of children and invalids, the unselfish donor of old socks and expired canned food only just this year. “Who arranged this pogrom? I ask!” Uncle Herman spoke hoarsely. “What happened in our apartment? I ask! Either you, vile girl, will describe everything yourself, or I don’t know what I don’t ask... That is, what I’ll do! I’ll count to five...” “I don’t know. There was some sticky dwarf here... By the way, his name is Agukh, if you’re interested,” Tanya exclaimed fearfully. She had never seen Uncle Herman in this enraged state before. Steam almost came out of his ears. It even seemed to Tanya that she noticed the not very pleasant odour of melt down earwax. “Two...” Durnev said in an icy voice, according to his trouble-making nature skipping the “one.” “It’s true, I’m not playing tricks... I returned from school, and this dwarf... That is, I want to say, this freak...” “Three... Don’t you dare lie to me! From where did you take this enormous guitar or what’s what’s this disgrace? Whom did d id you steal it from?” “It’s not a guitar, it...” “I’m not going to stand these tricks! Even my angelic patience would come to an end! Tomorrow you’ll find yourself in the orphanage, and then in the juvenile offenders’ camp... Four...” Four...”


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Tanya pressed the double bass to herself. She was horrified, but, even in spite of the terror, for some reason she giggled foolishly. foolishly. She suddenly thought how amusing it would be if Uncle Herman said: “Four by a string... Four by a thread.” This smile completely drove Durnev out of his wits. “AH, SO! Five!” Uncle Herman began to roar and took a step forward. Before Tanya had time to consider what he intended to do, a slap burnt her cheek. Tanya yelled not so much from pain as from humiliation. Earlier Uncle Herman never hit her, only hissed, insulted, and locked her in the bathroom or on the balcony. It was as if a rotten egg emptied out inside her. And Uncle Herman, having gone completely mad, already brought a hand up for a new blow. Dodging him, Tanya protected herself with the double bass. Durnev’s blow arrived on the instru instrumen ment. t. Apparent Apparently ly,, the magic magic double double bass bass was not accusto accustomed med to this this treatment. The strings began to drone indignantly, softly, as if they were warning Uncle Herman not to do anything stupid. Not paying it any attention, attention, Durnev with fury caught hold of the neck and began to pull the double bass away from Tanya. “Well, hand it over lively! I’ll tell someone! I’ll give it to the police — let you explain whom you stole it from, thief! Where’s the phone? But, you even broke the phone!!” Tanya clutched the double bass with all her strength and did not let go, although Uncle Herman was considerably stronger and jerked her together with the instrument from side to side, hitting her back against ag ainst the cabinet and the frame of the balcony. Accidentally the girl’s hand found itself on one of the pins regulating the tension of the strings. At this moment Durnev abruptly pulled the double bass to himself, and Tanya turned the pin. The stretched string string began to drone softly and in a bass. For a moment it seemed to Tanya that she went deaf. The glass in the frames began to tremble in a threatening way. way. Losing her balance, Tanya and the instrument fell together on her b ack. Suddenly Uncle Herman, who was hanging over her, froze. The features of his face somehow softened, became kinder, and acquired an idiotic expression. His pupils for a while while confus confusedly edly turned turned in their their eye-so eye-socket ckets, s, and then then purpos purposefu efully lly settle settled d down down crosswise on the bridge of the nose. The upper lip curled upward, baring the sufficiently long front teeth. Finally, being bored of roaming wildly along the sides, Uncle Herman’s eyes stared fixedly on Tanya — first the right and then the left. Uncle Herman bounced on the spot with wonder and giggled foolishly. foolishly. “Hee-hee! What a thmooth day!” He said in a delicate squeaky voice. Tanya went “oh” in fright. In a second she said “oh” again, because Uncle Herman suddenly leaned over and sniffed the double bass, and even, it seemed, tried it lightly with his teeth. “Girlie, what are you doing here? Gathewing flowerth? Let’th get acquainted: I’m Lithper the Wabbit!” Wabbit!” He squeaked. squeake d. Tanya muttered something, but Uncle Herman did not listen to her. He was already jumping around the room, his hand drawn in, exactly like the paws of a rabbit. Deftly jumping directly from the carpet to Pipa’s table, Uncle Herman brought it down. From the table he somersaulted to the bed, overturned bookshelves, tore off the door of the dresser, and then, getting down on all fours, started to gnaw the legs of the chairs. After swallo swallowin wing g severa severall pieces pieces of polis polishin hing, g, Uncle Uncle Herman Herman capric capriciou iously sly grimac grimaced. ed. The dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres, bursting into seething senile barking, hung onto


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his pant leg. At another another time Durnev would shed tears from tender emotion that the dog was playing with him, now he kicked the dachshund with his foot so that One-And-AHalf Kilometres rolled with a howl into the corridor. corridor. “We, wabbitth, have terwibly thtwong hind pawth! We can kick marvellouthly with them them!” !” He bragg bragged ed to Tanya, anya, gnawi gnawing ng the the broke broken n off off leg leg of a chair chair.. “Phe “Phew w, thit thith h unthavouwy thtump! I cannot thtand thith plathtic bark! My teeth will ache ac he from it! Don’t you have carwotth or cabbage?” Not answering, Tanya continued to stare at him in amazement. The rabbit obviously did not like it. His whitish eyebrows gathered on h is narrow forehead. “What, can’t you hear, girlie? Don’t underthtand wabbit thpeech? Carwotth, I thay, no?” He lisped. “Yes... “Yes... In the kitchen... k itchen... In the vegetable box...” Tanya muttered. “Thankth, girlie! You think I’m thtupid, think I didn’t know you? I know much!” Uncle Herman said with a conspiratorial look and skipped off, shaking the floor with his very strong strong size forty-seven forty-seven soles. soles. “Hey, “Hey, deviouth! deviouth! Don’t detheive me! You’re Little Wed Widing Hood!” He shouted, threatening her with a finger as he left. Not a minute had passed as the characteristic sound came from the kitchen: Durnev, the very same self-styled Lisper the Rabbit, likely discovered “carrotth” and now hurried to gobble them together with the bag. In any case, to the crunch of chewing carrot was periodically added the rustling of a packet. Tanya carefully got out from under the double bass, examining it with a mixture of horror and admiration. She never doubted for a minute that it was precisely mixed up in the sudden temporary insanity of Uncle Herman. Indeed at that moment when she turned the pin for tuning the strings, Durnev also a lso imagined himself as Lisper the Rabbit. Recalling the warning on the birch bark, Tanya in a hurry weakened the tension of the string and checked whether cracks appeared in the neck. No, the double bass, fortunately, did not suffer, if one doesn’t count the small scratch left b by y Uncle Herman’s nails. A key began to grind in the doors. Considering that this could be either Pipa or Aunt Ninel, Tanya quickly hid the double bass in the case and started to move it into the cabinet. cabinet. Booming leaps already rolled along the apartment apartment — it was Lisper Lisper the Rabbit jumping to meet his relatives. And when, a minute later, the terrible dual howl of Aunt Ninel and Pipa was heard in the corridor, Tanya Tanya surmised that he met them. “You’re not Little Wed Widing Hood! You’re the Fat Bwoad, and you’re her daughter! Don’t Don’t tout touth h me! me! I’ll I’ll kick kick!! I have have thtw thtwong ong hind hind pawt pawth! h!”” Uncl Unclee Herm Herman an sque squeal aled ed deafeningly, fleeing from them around the entire apartment... Chapter 4 Forgeli Botchli?

“Twang !” !” Tanya pressed the third string from the edge closer against the middle of the neck and it hummed. The sound hardly dissipated as a round thick-necked head in a copper helmet appeared on the balcony. It was the size of a considerable cauldron and it rotated its pupils menacingly. The look on the head was openly predatory. The bent nose was once dented b y someone’s someone’s fist, and a long scar stood out on the cheek...


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“ Forgeli botchli?” botchli?” It growled, when its pupils, having stopped revolving, settled on the girl. “Not forgeli not botchli... A mistake...” attempting to hide behind the double bass, Tanya muttered. The head smirked, baring ground-off yellow teeth, each of which was the size of a good fist. Furthermore, it became noticeable that something terribly similar to the sole of boots got stuck between the two front teeth. “What is ‘not forgeli,’ forgeli,’ specifically specifically?” ?” The head asked hoarsely. hoarsely. “Where’ “Where’ss the magic response? What, did they not warn you that I can tear apart whoever uses magic objects illegally? Beatings in alleyways, and all such.” “No, they did not warn me,” Tanya quickly blurted out, considering that this was her only justification. “And I’ll not believe it for life! And if they did not warn you, it means you’re not a witch but one of the moronoids!” “Yes, “Yes, I’m a witch... That is, I... Please wait, I’ll explain everything...” Tanya moved back in fright and, hoping that the head would disappear, in a hurry passed the bow along the adjacent string. “T-wang !” !” The string hummed intensely. No, the head did not disappear, instead beside it immediately appeared another, even more murderous than the first, decorated with a downy sergeant-major moustaches. “Where are the evil spirits? Blabbli gabbli intertwineli?” intertwineli?” It asked with a voice which grated on the hearing like sandpaper. Tanya went “Oh,” experiencing a burning desire to show up a hundred kilometres away from here or, at the worst, to simply fall under the floor. intertwineli? ” The head repeated impatiently. “ Blabbli gabbli intertwineli?” impatiently. “Hello, “Hello, Usynya!” The head that appeared appeared on the balcony earlier barked. barked. “I think the time has come to gobble up someone. Someone who summons us without knowing the simplest magic response...” “Exactly, Dubynya... Time to punish these little green witches! They’ll know when to get mixed up with spells!” “And mostly likely she’s not even a little witch but one of the moronoids... I hate it when these nothings imagine themselves magicians. I would rip off the hands that give them magic tools...” Tanya in fear gripped the bow. She wanted to wave it at them, knowing that now and then they disappear with this, but by chance brushed against yet another string. “Gad, agai again! n! And And what what now! now!”” She She thou though ght, t, expe experi rien enci cing ng bad bad pres presen enti time ment nt.. And And the the presentiment did not deceive her. “T-w-angg !” !” The string clanged spitefully, and instantly the third head, bald like a billiard ball, rolled out next to the first two. Its face was flat as a pancake, with the same set of small porous grooves as in a pancake, eyes exactly narrow slits, but then the enormous mouth stretched from ear to ear. It was clearly felt that even if this head was not entirely slow-witted, then a bit crazy. crazy. “Mountainsani raisurus?” raisurus?” The head asked darkly. Tanya kept quiet dejectedly.


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“I cannot stand it when they move the head from me. It’s, it turns out, my body now hanging about alone there? Whoever wants can approach it and give it a kick? And if I, for example, were in battle, then what, strike at random?” “Uh-huh, Gorynya! You said it exactly. Someone did not protect the character, I’m not guilty...” said Dubynya. “I want to say that, character. Five minutes before this I, out of boredom, got tied up with two cyclopes: I said, why are you pushing, one-eyed, long time no one bust bust you up, and all that... that... One only started started to swing, swing, and my head — well, I never! never! — and here! How he probabl probably y just just blinks blinks... ... Either Either he blew blew off my head head or something. Incomprehensible, shorter, like shaking with the brainless.” “No, definitely definitely must devour her!” Usynya decided for everyone. “Say the response! response! Well? You don’t know? Well you got yourself in a mess!” “Forgeli? Entwinum? Gor’yani? Boozeli Joyjuiceli?” Tanya Tanya fired at random. “Aha, “Aha, likely likely that.. that.... Right Right smack! smack!”” Goryny Gorynyaa said said knowin knowingly gly.. His voice voice sounded sounded sufficiently affectionate; however, the girl did not quite like how it smacked its lips. It licked its chops nastily. nastily. The heads exchanged glances significantly. A moustache clicked like a whip and, wound around Tanya’s ankle, began to pull her towards itself. The girl darted and began to squeal, but it was as thick as a ship’s rope. “Pity, “Pity, a hand remained there... Can’t be helped... Well, no matter, we get h er this way...” aiming, Usynya muttered. Dubynya began to worry: “Listen, dude, you... Don’t forget us. You’ll leave us some to nibble?” He asked hoarsely. “We treated you...” “When is it you treated me?” Usynya was indignant. “Why? The German knights...” “Phew... “Phew... Such canned foods! As soon as you open them, you even start to sweat!” “And you would with a can-opener. Afterwards it’s very handy to pick the teeth with their spears.” Defending herself, Tanya waved the bow, but it frightened Usynya no more than trying to poke it with a match. The mouth with the huge dull teeth was already very near. Some of Usynya’s Usynya’s teeth were missing, and the rest did not appear to be in better shape. “Ah-ah-ah! Don’t touch me! You need a stomatologist!” Tanya shouted, desperately pushing the monstrous forehead with her hand so that it would not be easy to swallow her. “And what’s that? What does he eat with?” Usynya was interested. “With a dental drill and with drills... Goes well with mayo, particularly if together with the gloves and all the tweezers!” Dubynya prompted. Of all three heads, likely he was the most knowledgeable. And in addition with more practical experience. Having managed, Tanya tried to poke the giant with an elbow in the nose. That one blinked with wonder. wonder. “For a moronoid you’re pretty brave. Usually they immediately flop down in a faint,” he said encouragingly. encouragingly. “I’m not of the moronoids, I’m telling you! And the double bass is not someone else’s! My papa is Leopold Grotter!”


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Suddenl Suddenly y the moust moustache ache wound wound around around her ankle ankle slacken slackened. ed. “WHA “WHAT? You’re ou’re the daughter daughter of GROTTE GROTTER? R? You’re ou’re TANYA ANYA Grotte Grotter?” r?” All three three heads heads stared stared at her distrustfully. “Something you’ll be able to prove? Really can it be that a Grotter doesn’t know the simplest spell? And the Grot-ters, oho-ho, they were all so large-headed! Indeed real terrific scholars!” Usynya doubted. “And “And it’ it’s her her, she.. she.... And And the the birt birthma hmark rk on the the nose, nose, and the the curl curls. s... .. Her Her enti entire re personality, personality, not lying...” Gorynya started to whisper. “Oh, my giant mama! Oh, my titan papa! Oh, my cyclops grandma! In order for me to gobble crosswise and grow lengthwise! My eyes would not see!” Dubynya began to keen. k een. “It’s indeed Grotter’s daughter, having seen She-Who-Is-No-More and remaining among the living! The only one that saw her!” “Unbeli “Unbelievab evable, le, we nearly nearly gobbled gobbled her up! That would would be a nightm nightmare are!” !” Turni Turning ng crimson, Usynya buzzed. “Well, “W ell, and we’ll get it if she tells Sardanapal!” “Or Yagge! Or Slander! But she will not tell... Will not tell tales on three good souls, who joked with her like a scare-scare-scarecrow?” Dubynya began to suck up. “Gee whiz, you joked! For such jokes you know what happens to the teeth? However, it no longer threatens you,” muttered Tanya, surprised at herself for such impudence. “Wee wildly apologize. Turned out a blunder!” Usynya said. “W “A little little hitch...” Gorynya Gor ynya darted with the nose. “A discrepancy... discrepancy... You should should have said gadaboutun, then everything would be in order order,” ,” Dubynya Dubynya blurte blurted d out guilti guiltily ly.. “And “And now time time for us to bid you farewe farewell! ll! It’s It’s harmful for us to remain too long in the world of the moronoids.” “Aha, and still the body is lost somewhere and committing follies. Catch then this headless fool. Oh, what miracle, to tell, whom we saw, they’ll so not believe!” Usynya finished. Hurrying to slip away, the three heads began to whirl swiftly on the spot. The ears flashed crimson from remorse. “Wait... Please stop!” Tanya shouted, but the balcony was already deserted. The girl was so thunder-struck and did not know how to pose to them the question which was twirling on her tongue. Who is this Sardanapal? And Yagge? Yagge? And She-Who-Is-No-More? Tanya Tanya only needed to utter the third name to herself when her head again began to spin... For some reason in the girl’s memory sprung up emaciated green hands, affected by decay... Loathsome chopped off hands, stretching out to her h er throat... “Return what you’re hiding! I’m dead, you’re alive... You’re guilty in that I died... Ten long years after your birth and ten centuries to it I awaited this hour,” the voice rustled in a silent whisper. An icy dead hand touched touc hed her face and, jerking back, melted away... “It’s “It’s indeed Grotter’ Grotter’ss daughter daughter,, having seen She-Who-Is She-Who-Is-No-M -No-More ore and remaining remaining among the living! The only one that saw her!” Tanya recalled the words of the talking head. Likely the enormous head also feared this She and therefore treated the girl with a mixture of fear and admiration. “Whom did I see? Whom? What is it with my parents? Are they alive or did they perish? If I would at least learn to use this magic thingamajig! Maybe, then something would be clarified!” Tanya Tanya thought despondently. despondently.


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Beginning to worry that the three enormous heads could catch the eyes of the Durnevs and alarm them, Tanya hurriedly looked into the room. No, everything was quiet in Pipa’s, Pipa’s, and even Pipa herself, it seemed, had disappeared d isappeared to one of her he r girlfriend-toadies’. Uncle Herman, after swallowing all the necessary vitamins, left for the Duma in order to catch sight of a maximum quantity of influential figures and to extend before each his mouth in the affable grin of a self re-educated vampire. As far as Aunt Ninel was concerned, from her room came a terrible crash as if someone on equal intervals struck the floor with a sledgehammer. It was likely that Madame Durnev again decided to be busy with aerobics, and in such moments she would not even notice anything taking place in front of her nose. *** The week that passed from the day of the discovery of the double bass turned out to be uncommonly good for Tanya. No one touched her, or harassed her, and even her presence in the apartment they recalled if and only if she appeared in the kitchen. Now and then it seemed to the girl that she had become absolutely invisible. At least to the Durnevs. Everything was explained extremely simply in fact. The entire family did not have time to poison her life: everyone was concerned with what happened to Uncle Herman. The dreadful pogrom was assigned to the sudden temporary insanity of Durnev, beginning from the excessively stressful pre-election campaign. Bouncing around in the apartment all evening, he tore off wallpaper everywhere and nibbled on sneakers, but afterwards he calmed down and fell asleep in the hallway on the floor, hiding his head under the rug. Aunt Ninel and Pipa nearly fainted with a crash. Tanya was completely not surprised, considering that Lisper the Rabbit simply climbed into his hole. The following morning Uncle Herman awoke already in full possession of his faculties and was terribly astonished, to put it mildly, to discover himself in the unusual place. He hurled the rug to a far corner of the hallway, tenderly kissed the dachshund starting to bark at him and again became as before before — green, biting, and ill-humoure ill-humoured. d. All Tanya Tanya could do was to sigh: she liked Uncle Herman much more as a rabbit. He even had a certain charm. “Som “Somee peopl peoplee were were clea clearl rly y born born by mist mistak ake. e. That’ That’ss prob probabl ably y why they they are are so disgusting,” she reflected. Uncl Unclee Herm Herman an hims himsel elff remem remembe bere red d nothi nothing ng about about his his insa insanit nity y or about about all all of yesterday’s events. True, now and then he became strangely pensive and, gathering his hands like paws, he began to bounce slightly in one place. Usually this took place at moments when he caught sight of a carrot or cabbage. Precisely for this reason Aunt Ninel decisively threw out all carrots and cabbages from the apartment, completely exclu excludi ding ng them them from from the the menu menu.. Pipa Pipa and Tanya anya were were stri strict ctly ly forb forbid idde den n to even even accidentally mention these words together with the words “forest,” “bunnies,” “jumpgallop” and in general everything that could direct Uncle Herman’s thoughts to forbidden grounds. Tanya used each free minute to hasten to the magic double bass. As before with the case, she now timidly studied the instrument on all sides, feeling each of its smallest tiny cracks, any insignificant roughness. Soon she already could, with closed eyes and barely


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touching the instrument with her fingers, guess without mistake, what place of the neck or what part of the string she was now touching. “Ah, pity I don’t know how to play the double bass... On the other hand, perhaps they also don’t play it. In the magic instruction there is not a word about playing but only about enchantment and magic,” Tanya thought. Now and then she took the bow in her hand and decided to guide it along the strings. The The soun sounds ds whic which h the the inst instru rume ment nt issu issued ed were were alwa alway ys unex unexpe pect cted ed and and with with unpredictable consequences. The first time a flock of wasps appeared on the balcony. The second time — terribly stinky rotten stuff appeared and from somewhere on top of her head a monstrous size leg bone fell down. The third time Tanya managed to summon from emptiness a jar with jam imparting the taste of frog roe. Still it was possible somehow to resign herself to this if there were no eyes opening periodically in the jar. Tanya pushed it further into the cabinet, cab inet, hiding it among old books. But after the stupid incident with the three heads, nearly costing her her life, the girl decided that it was necessary to dampen her ardour. In any case, to be more careful from now on. One question still existed, extremely occupying Tanya. Judging from the instructions on the birch bark, besides magic the double bass could be used for flights, but only by what means? So many times the girl tried to jump together with it, to sit carefully on top, and even to wave the bow precisely like a sabre, but it did not rise even five centimetres above the floor. floor. Once in the evening, when Pipa, after giving herself thirteen kilograms of candies and things with her sweating palms, was already sleeping soundly in her room and for sure saw the mysterious mysterious G.P. G.P. in her dream, Tanya Tanya carefully spent time with the double bass. She already intended to take it out of the case, but at this moment noticed that one of the strings was sagging quite a bit. Deciding to stretch it, the girl began to carefully turn the lower pin. She had hardly made half a rotation when the double bass suddenly began to tremble and from the narrow figured slits the low v oice of an announcer burst through: “Until now, the secret of the theft of the gold sword has not been revealed. Who among the moronoids needed to steal it? This is already not the first day the best sleuths of Tibidox ask this question. As you certainly know, here the gold sword has already caused serious differences between the “light” and “dark” magicians for one-and-a-half thousand years. Each of the sides attempted to use it in their magic rituals, supplementing it already with available arsenal of magic objects. Let us recall that with ten white and ten black magicians having all such objects, a definite balance of power is created. Adding the twenty-first object could give an advantage to one of the sides. Because of this about a thousand years ago a strict ban was imposed on the use of the gold sword, and the sword itself, in order to not stir up temptation in anyone, was transferred into the world of the moronoids. Now this taboo is disrupted. The strongest magic object, perhaps equal to the Hair of The Ancient One or the rarest instruments of Theophilus Grotter, is in the hands of an unknown thief. Who is this thief? What camp is he connected to? And the main, the most important question — is he somehow connected with She-Who-Is-No-More? As yet there is no answer to this question, since the magic of the sword, until now, has not been freed...” Tanya’ anya’ss hand hand trem trembl bled ed slig slight htly ly.. The The pin pin turn turned ed.. The The voic voicee of the the anno announc uncer er disappeared, and instead of this in the narrow slots of the double bass a strange jingling


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melody burst out. It was like someone was banging a large spoon on a cracked cauldron, and somewhere in the distance a sandstorm was howling... “ Aurelis fifas geras shibarshitus parallelis Gruntis Brunti Truntis Frat Guaerobus Rodopat Filostesis Grupus Byakis Mikronimos Zapulyatos Sheburshun and Sheropat Zakolyanus Arapat,” Arapat,” someone pronounced pronounce d distinctly. Shrugging her shoulders, Tanya Tanya again turned the pin and heard a brisk female voice: vo ice: “To us daily at radio station Witchcraft Granny hundreds of cupids with full bags of letters fly in and thousands of heartgrams from very young witches creep in with one and the same question: qu estion: ‘How to find a husband?’ There is nothing simpler, simpler, my dear dea r. Write the prescription, known even in the times of the legendary Tsar Gorokh and told to him personally by the famous Tsarina Savochkina, bewitching her twelfth husband this way. Take ninety grams of ground dinosaur bones, added a little mermaid scale, three nails of a kikimora, kikimora, seve seven n feat feather herss of a whit whitee crow crow,, and diss dissol olve ve all all this this in drag dragon on blood blood.. Thoroughly mix the obtained solution with a sliver of a coffin and drink it on a night with a new moon. Done that? And now rejoice! Till the following moon you are completely enticing and irresistible. Make full use of this time to find yourself a husband. True, this method has one side effect. effect. After only one moon you will begin to grow thick whiskers, whiskers, and your weight weight will increase increase by forty kilograms. However, However, if one considers considers that in the magic world marriages are not annulled, you can take the full risk. With you was the well-known healer Nagiana Pripyatskaya...” “Oho-ho,” “Oho-ho,” thought Tanya. Tanya. “The magicians have the same problem problem as Aunt Ninel... How do I find out if someone in her time sold her such a potion when she was chasing after Uncle Herman? Very Very likely so!” She stretched the string a little more. A squeak was heard, a noise, the hissing of radio waves, and then the double bass suddenly squeaked with a child’s child’s voice: “You will drink bitter pesticide — you will get hit by a brick in the nose! Conjure, wood-goblin, wood-goblin, concoct, concoct, grandpa, — grandpa, — there are no spare machine guns! guns! Oh, mama, they marked me... Where are my invisible running shoes and the flying cap with ears?” Tanya did not have time to switch over when the double bass unexpectedly began to shake in her hands, bounced, started to vibrate from an unusual force and confidently addressed in a ringing voice: “Everybody-e “Everybody-everyb verybody-ev ody-everybo erybody! dy! You’re listening listening to reporting reporting from a dragonball dragonball match between the vampire team and the composite team of Bald Mountain witches... With you I’m the resilient and loved by all Bab-Yagun... The match today is proceeding with difficulty — a gusty wind from the direction of the ocean is interfering, regularly hurling players off their vacuums. Likely someone from the ill-wishers of our form of sport directed a magic formula, which they are trying unsuccessfully to remove here for the third hour already. “I’m standing on the guest stand of the central stadium. To the right rises the central Tower of Tibidox. Next to it the Tower of Ghosts is smoking — not long ago the dragon of the vampire team ran into it and grazed it with its tongue of flames. At the present


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moment the water crew is putting out the Tower of Ghosts, but this match, it goes without saying, cannot be called off... “If you saw what’s been created on the stands! The vampires have completely broken loose from all restraints! I’m sure you hear in the microphone their raving cries and the howls that freeze the soul. Under the direction of Professor Sardanapal and the Magic Federation of Tibidox on dragonball all vampires were extremely cautiously ordered to put on muzzles. Otherwise undoubtedly blood would spill. Taking into account that the nature of the Bald Mountain witches is also far from perfect, this could provoke a terrible braw brawl, l, simi simila larr to the the one at the the matc match h betwee between n the the Tadzhi adzhik k genie geniess and and the the ‘dar ‘dark’ k’ magicia magicians, ns, when, as a result result of collis collision ions, s, twelve twelve specta spectator torss were were exposed exposed to the irreversible curse, and eight more vanished to who knows where... “I don’t much like today’s match: both the witches and the vampires are playing poorly. poorly. A few sharp moments, the forwards, it seems, are afraid to fly close to the hostile dragons and are throwing the balls from a distance, where they in no way can drop into the goal... Oh, it seems I spoke too soon! The Bald Mountain witches defence is malfunctioning. The vampire forward Mourner is breaking open ahead with an immobilize ball, the most dangerous of all balls in a match! If he throws it into the mouth of the dragon, the Bald Mountain witches will not be able to lay claim to a victory... “He is going around one defender, another... If you could have seen that courageous gesture with which he shifted from one hand to the other the pipe of the diving vacuum! His engine roars with strain, spewing from the nozzle small debris and kikimora scales. Oh-oh-oh!!!!!!!! “Here Mourner swings... You hear the roar at the stands... No goal! Oh no, what’s this? Over the stands rolls a moan — the characterist characteristic, ic, bloodcurdling bloodcurdling moan of the vampires. vampires. They say moronoids immediately faint from this moan... The Bald Mountain dragon slams shut its mouth, thus making the goal inaccessible... The ball hits it directly in the eye and explodes! The dragon is in a fury! It’s flapping its wings, lashing with its flexible tail, and breaking away from the place. Longing to get even, it rushes after the forward of the vampire team... What will it be? Clutching at the pipe and almost sprawling vertically in the air, Mourner deftly turns and tries to hide in his model Turnon-2003 jet vacuum. “The wind whistles... Unbelievable speed... Must acknowledge, I did not expect this from the Turnon... It seemed to me, having sufficient manoeuvrability, this model is not capable capable of sudden sudden acceler accelerati ation. on. Most Most likely likely the grandma grandmast sters ers of the vampir vampiree team strengthened Mourner’s Turnon with a dozen speed-up spells. In general this violates the rules, but, taking into account that the witches also cheated somewhere for sure, they can get away with something... “No, this dragon is zealously evil! It seriously intended to overtake Mourner. They don’t feed the dragons a year and a half before the match so that they would be livelier, but this one, in my opinion, has not been fed for no less than three years. Or, I also don’t exclude that when the witches gave the dragon red-hot mercury to drink, they added into it several drops of bile of an old skinflint. Similar doping is in no way diagnosed, but then it makes dragons one and a half times more evil. “The dragon, pursuing, fires a flame at Mourner, and that one, avoiding, is forced to sharply gain altitude... It contradicts the laws of gravity, it contradicts everything that I know!


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“I swear by the Hair Hair of The Ancient Ancient One, here it is — the grippin gripping g moment moment of the match! Its climax! Its turning point! “Two other vampires on brightly dyed vacuums try to distract the dragon from its prey. They almost succeeded, but that it... Oh no! One of the tongues of flames casually catches Mourner’s vacuum... The pipe has ha s melted, the motor conks out. A miracle that the vacuum is still hanging in the air. Must be the protecting talismans helping. The dragon is getting nearer... Here it already opens its terrible mouth... Mourner shou ts and dives like a swallow from the vacuum, hoping to use the nose scarf-parachute. Too late — the dragon catches him right in its mouth... Swallows... Nightmare! The vampire team is left without its best player... “A dangerous moment! GO-O-AL! One more! I don’t believe my eyes! Making use of the situation, the Bald Mountain witches break open to the vampire dragon and throw into its mouth a flame-extinguisher, and after it also a pepper ball... “The vampire team dragon, receiving, as we know, a wing injury after the collision with the tower, has not managed to slam shut its mouth... The balls explode at once, freeing bewitching charges... The flame goes out... The dragon begins to sneeze, and from its throat three previously swallowed forwards and a referee of the match, Nightingale O. Robber, fly out by somersault. They don’t look well: three hours in the mouth of a dragon — grave experience! Wait, and who’s this still flying out from the dragon’s mouth? Really spectators? Yes, Yes, so it is! Must be, these are those poor wretches who risked getting into the match without protector tickets... Well, once again it remains to be startled by the tremendous scent of dragons... “The umpire blows the magic whistle! Really? Yes, so it is — a complete victory for the Bald Mountain team! Collars are put on the dragons and, gradually calmed, they are led led away away into into the the fire firepr proof oof hang hangar ars, s, wher wheree the the geni genies es will will be busy busy with with them them.. .... Interesting, will we see Mourner again or will befall him the fate of the magician Abbakum Violet, swallowed three years ago and simply forgotten in the dragon’s mouth? For the vampires it would be extremely lamentable to be deprived of this outstanding forward... On this note, my dear listeners, I conclude my reporting. With With you was the dear to all and irritating to many Bab-Yagun... Bab-Yagun... “Wait... What is that noise in the third hangar? From there, cowardly covering their heads, a half dozen genie umpires jump out... And behind them, against the sky... What idiot forgot to put a spell on additional hangar gates? I swear by my grandma, it is Goyaryn itself, the terrible fighting dragon, heads hardly filling its mouth! We all thought that it is in hibernation, but, obviously the noise of the stadium woke it up. A terrible, terrible roar... The magic wall separating the playing field from the spectators is cracked... Goyaryn is breathing out puffs of sulphur — must be it is still insufficiently heated for flame throwing... What is this? It is trying to take off! Run for your lives! It’s flying over here! Why is it without an a n anti-swallow muzzle? Ah-ah-ah!” A terrible sound was heard, similar to “Hrum-hrum.” From the wild howl the double bass jumped a metre, its strings began to hum, and everything fell silent. Tanya rushed to the double bass, pressed it against her ear, but it no longer issued a single sound, no matter how much she turned the pin. The mysterious broadcast was broken.


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“Dragon “Dragonball ball!” !” Tanya anya exclai exclaimed med.. “Unbel “Unbelieva ievable ble,, magici magicians ans flying flying in the air and throwing balls into a dragon’s mouth! The one without luck, then hrum-hrum... No so bad entertainment! Nanaian jokes in the spirit of Pipa!” At the same time she could not but acknowledge that although the rules of the game were not quite clear to her for the time being, she would not refuse to be present at this match. Where else can raging live goal swallow dozens of spectators, not counting the players themselves? It is not for you the dull human soccer match, which Uncle Herman watches on television, where there is only onl y a pair of motionlessly fixed goal. Reflecting on her luck in revealing to herself one of the wonderful special features of the double bass — namely its ability to receive magic radio waves, — Tanya was already going to settle down on her damp squeaky folding bed when suddenly from outside, where there was nothing besides the close and unfriendly cold autumnal sky and several squeaking trees, a deafening “pchxi!” was heard. The girl jumped and pressed her nose against the glass. At first she saw absolutely nothing, but here again “pchxi!” was repeated, and such that even the glass began to rattle. Tanya shifted her gaze slightly more to the right and below and... it seemed to her that she was delirious... In any case, if something similar appeared in Pipa’s dream, she would immediately begin to roll on the floor, howling: “I’m off my rocker! I’m unable to think straight! Treat me, twenty doctors!” In the grey evening sky directly opposite the window a bed with a spring mattress was hovering. On the bed a huge mummy lay full-length, wrapped up to the eyes in either bandages or tarred burial cloth. The left plastered foot of the mummy was suspended on an extension... As for the right... No, with the right foot everything was as if in order... Here it only had on a sufficiently strange shoe — an enormous army boot with a gold spur. Chapter 5 Bab-Yagun

After sneezing two or three times — with each sneeze the bed was thrown to one or the other side, exactly like a frightened racer, — the mummy energetically swung the foot with the spur, lightly jabbing one of the legs of the bed. The bed obediently reduced altitude. The latch locking the frame jumped aside with a light click. Unceremoniously crushing the cot, the bed lowered directly onto it. Not losing time, the mummy, as far as stretching allowed, squatted and fixed small curious eyes on Tanya. More precisely, with one eye, since its other one was firmly hidden under the bandages. Tucked into the belt above the bandages of the mummy was a marvellous Turkish dagger, according to its size resembled more a small yataghan. “Turn... So... Now the other side... Well, excellent! No doubts... Oh, my granny mama! It’s her,” the mummy muttered in an undertone, hurriedly repairing the tousled bandages and, as much as it was possible, assumed a dignified air. Gadaboutun!” Tanya, mastering this lesson after meeting the talking heads, screamed “Gadaboutun!” out loudly just in case. “Daboutun? What daboutun?” The mummy wondered. Its voice, resonant, high, seemed to Tanya strangely familiar. She was suddenly sure that she had already heard it once... Now only where and when? Among her earlier


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acquaintances there were no flying mummies. Or even non-flying mummies, if we do not count, of course, green Uncle Herman. But even he more resembled the usual corpse than a mummy. “Gadaboutun!” Gadaboutun!” Tanya again repeated. If they were going to devour her, then this word should work. The bandaged bandaged one — now the girl girl was already already certain certain that this this was not a mummy mummy nevertheless — began to worry. worry. “Wait... “W ait... What’s What’s still with gadaboutun? gadaboutun? Really these grumps — Usynya, Dubynya, and Gorynya — were here?” He was interested. “Aha, they were,” Tanya acknowledged, not too surprised that it was known to the mummy from somewhere. Recently she was already surprised by little in general. The bandaged one hit his own knee with his fist: “Oh, my granny mama! Lucky you! Rumour has it that now and then they don’t shun moronity... oh, excuse me... I have in mind that it’s better not to have anything to do with them, especially if you don’t know all these foolish opinions which they always change!” “But on the whole who are they exactly?” Tanya Tanya carefully asked. “Usynya, Gorynya, and Dubynya?” The bandaged one scratched the back of his head. “Well, they are that... how to explain them to you... not unlike heroes-bouncers, not bad, but with nonsense in the head. Of course, it is possible to summon them, but only as a last resort... When, for example, the evil spirits indeed become quite a bother. But even then it’s undesirable, because who knows what they will come up with. It is better indeed to investigate the evil spirits yourself, while there is still power.” “It seems somebody already did,” thought Tanya, already looking at his bandages without the earlier horror. It was awfully unusual for her to talk with a mummy. On the other hand, she gradually began to enjoy it. Fear disintegrated. “So it’s the evil spirits for you?” Tanya wanted to ask. More precisely, she only just opened her mouth in order to ask when she was already answered. “Nothing of the sort!” The mummy indignantly waved his hands in casts. “It’s nothing to do with the evil spirits. It’s my having been swallowed by a dragon. Otherwise would I really fly on this nightmarish bed? And not for all the tea in China — so that all the guys would take me for a joke? Normally I have an outstanding vacuum of the sevenhundredth hundredth series series — simply simply a beaut! Turbine Turbine supercharger supercharger,, two safety shawls, chromechrome plated pipe, conditioner with apricot infusion aroma, and other frills.” It was worthwhile for him to mention the dragon and to speak of the vacuum with admiration, Tanya immediately recalled where she had heard this voice before! And recently — on the magic double bass! “Listen... But you’re not... not Bab-Yagun? The resilient and loved by all? But indeed the dragon ate you! I heard, as you were shouting, — and hrum-hrum... And it was... well quite recently... recently... How did you succeed succee d to get out from the dragon’ dragon ’s stomach?” Bab-Yagun merrily looked at her with the unbandaged eye. His cheekbones — those parts of them, in any case, that tha t were visible, — reddened from pleasure. “He’s very... But how did you find out? They have not yet removed the healing spells from me and even wound me all around so that the bonegrafts would not scamper about. They indeed should not set a healthy person — nothing good will come of it. My granny would hardly know me in these bandages and in a cast.”


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Tanya wanted to ask what such bonegrafts were but did not. It was unlikely to be something very nice. “That is to say I am Yagun! Only here’s what... from where do you know who I am? Was I introduced to you? Magic tattooing on the heel is also likely not visible...” BabYagun continued. Unexpectedly, Unexpectedly, he squinted for a moment and looked askance at Tanya. Suddenly somehow strangely she had a tickling in her hair, and not only in the hair, but also under the hair, in the head itself. “No, the match was a week ago,” Bab-Yagun continued as if nothing was the matter. “You listened not to the direct transmission itself, but its repeat... Besides a wave flies for a long time to reach the moronoid world, when they even pass seven rainbows, well and other jokes along the same line... Exactly, a dragon devoured me. On top of that which one! one! Goyar Goyaryn yn itse itself lf!! Good Good thou though gh that that they they,, the the drago dragons ns,, stil stilll have have the the habit habit of swallowing without chewing. “I was packed in its stomach with twenty magicians — black and white... And vampires also, and heels of witches. Dark, jolting, terrible heat, simply like in the bath of the cyclopes. Bones scattered all over, skulls, apparently left from some ancient times. Still it would be tolerable but the vampires started a fight with the witches. Those bite, these kick, scratch — gloom. I began to separate them, and here’s the result — not a bone left whole. Mere amateurs... amateurs... they don’t much love commentators, commentators, and here still darkness all around, afterwards you won’t find out. And it’s like I fought a lion! Where is the lion there! Like a Central-Asian genie gone mad because they recently broke his favourite pitcher...” Bab-Yagun courageously slashed the air with a hand in a cast and began to groan from the pain. “And how did they reach you?” Tanya asked. “You yourself said that Goyaryn... that it almost releases no one from its mouth... And bones there all around.” “Oh, an entire heap of skeletons! In the dark, of course, you cannot count, but by feel... can imagine to yourself how pleasant to grope someone’s skull in the dark,” said BabYagun. “Oh, my granny mama! Simply a miracle that we got out. They, the dragons, I’ll tell you in secret, on the whole, spit on magic. You’ll not break through them with any spells, perhaps with the strongest, even then very temporarily. Then the immunity against this spell will remain in them for life, and the second time it will no longer work on any account. And Goyaryn... it’s like a five-storey house, only with wings. And the mouth... each tooth is like this flying bed here. In the whole world only five or six magicians whom the dragons obey somehow. But nevertheless Goyaryn had to spit us out... Indeed bilious witches got it painfully on the inside. How they began to pelt with curses and to swear at one another among themselves, someone there carried off someone’s shroud, almost new, here its entire belly began to shake, and it got rid of us. Also, by the way, it helped that one vampire, who threshed me more than others, had rockfoil with him. Such a little plant, but bu t dragons dislike them terribly. terribly. They begin to swell from it.” “And for you... was it not frightening frightening for you?” Tanya Tanya asked, imagining to herself the stomach of the dragon as an enormous black impenetrable bag in which red-hot coals border from all sides on the outside. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun gave it some thought. “No need to use the formal ‘you’ with me. I’m, by a negligible margin, one of those... Although it’s unimportant. I simply start to itch from a formal ‘you’ and it’s awfully


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inconvenient under the bandages... Have to scratch with the Turkish dagger and it’s detrimental for my health!” He said. “Was it frightening for me? Not a bit. You see, this feeling feeling is general generally ly unknown unknown to me. I indeed indeed also also play dragonbal dragonball. l. Confid Confident ent that that sometime they’ll take me into the composite team of Tibidox... Whom did our composite team not beat! The water-sprite water-sprites, s, the house-spiri house-spirits, ts, once even the devils devils and those were inflated! inflated! Nowhere is there a stricter stricter trainer — Nightingale Nightingale O. Robber from the ‘dark’ magicians! No one misses practices with him, he freezes with a look... Yes, do you know the rules of dragonball?” He recollected suddenly. suddenly. Bab-Yagun looked sideways at Tanya, and again in an instant she felt as if someone lightly tickled her brain with the tip of a feather. feather. Yelling, Yelling, the girl clasped her he r temples with her hands, hands, and and it seeme seemed d to her her as if someth somethin ing g like like a plug plug flew flew away away from her consciousness. “Ay, it’s painful! Never so abruptly blocked! You nearly pinched me!” Bab-Yagun sighed and began to shake his head so that part of the bandages was even unwound. “What, you read my thoughts? Stop!” Tanya Tanya shouted, from indignation easily passing to the informal “you.” Bab-Yagun guilty and simultaneously looked around fearfully, as if checking whether anyone overheard them. “Shh! How do you know? Even among the great magicians and then from that distance not all perceive when they the y are mirrored...” he started to whisper. “‘Mirrored?’” “‘To mirror, to approach with a mirror’... That is, to look into the head. The moronoids call this telepathy. Well they, the moronoids, generally love to invent any clever words. To slip into someone mentally with a glass... well, in the heat of the moment, that is.... and they say ‘telekinesis, telekinesis!’ Or there you fly slightly from time to time, when you stop walking all together, and they call it ‘levitation’... Well, so you tell no one that I... well, mirrored, in a sense. I’m always awfully unaware I’m doing it, almost no one among us even notices! But you did!” “Simply something tickled in my head,” Tanya was embarrassed. “I see! It’s the same! High innate foresight! And what a block! Simply like hitting me with a sledgehammer!” Bab-Yagun exclaimed enthusiastically and, as if struck by some idea, suddenly slapped himself strongly strongly on the forehead: “Ah, I understand understand — you’re you’re from the Grotter family, and they have all these doodads in the blood... Nevertheless, whatever you may say, but the Grotters are almost the most ancient magic clan. Perhaps Sardanapal has kin a little more ancient, and Medusa, and Grandpa Mazai.” “What grandpa?” Tanya again asked in amazement. “Oh, this was a powerful magician! True, he died long ago already. Once he somehow turned a hundred black magicians by irreversible spell into hares, but then he became conscientious, and his entire life he gathered these hares...” Bab-Yagun explained and continued: “As for myself, I also have an ancient family, although I never brag about this. Perhaps I occasionally mention it to put some upstarts in their place... Promise you’ll tell no one, or there’ll be trouble for me. We, white magicians, are forbidden to crawl into each other’s thoughts. But the black magicians — with them everything is simple. For instance, instance, you hobnob with the evil spirits, spirits, for example example you throw incinerating incinerating lightning lightning — complete freedom. Really just one constraint — you don’t do good deeds, that won’t be bad. Only they also terribly fear She-Who-Is-No-More.”


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Suddenl Suddenly y someth something ing began began to rattle rattle under under Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun’ n’ss bandage bandages, s, and it was so deafening that the iron bed jumped and began to creak with all its rusty couplings. In the opposite house dozens of windows immediately lit up. Sleepy faces pressing against the glass looked out into the courtyard, not understanding what was happening. “What’s “What’s that?” Tanya was frightened. “Ah, don’t pay any attention! It’s my zoomer flying into a rage! Now, until you look at the screen, it’ll not pipe down for anything. Now I...” Bab-Yagun muttered, trying to untangle the bandages in a hurry. hurry. “Carefully, “Carefully, Pipa will wake! And Uncle Herman!” Covering up her ears, Tanya Tanya hurriedly clung to the glass. So it was: the blanket on Pipa’s bed swelled up like a mound. A round face showed itself from under the blanket. “She’ll wake up! Now she’ll start to wail!” Tanya shouted with desperation. “Don’t worry!” Bab-Yagun, with a creak jumped from the bed, hopped on one leg to the door of the balcony, balcony, and muttered: “Wheezeus! Shoot, mixed up again... Wheezeis... Wheezeium Relaxium!” Relaxium!” However, either something did not go well with the spell or Uncle Herman’s daughter was immune to magic, but Pipa continued to turn her head as if nothing had happened, suspiciously looking in the direction of the balcony balcon y. “Again “Again it didn’t didn’t work! But what is it!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun hissed angrily angrily. “It’s “It’s necessary necessary,, obviously, obviously, to affix a seal on her, although it’s not desired!” Before Tanya had time to clarify what Bab-Yagun had in mind for “affixing a seal,” he decisively took aim at Pipa with a bent ring finger hampered by a cast and hoarsely growled: harpoonus!” “ Pointus harpoonus!” A green spark flew out from under the cast and struck Pipa accurately in the left eye. Tanya yelled. The daughter of Uncle Herman blinked crazily several times in the dark, and then heavily, precisely like a killed mammoth, collapsed on the pillow. A toneless bass snore was heard. Judging only by this snore, it was possible to conclude that on the bed lay not a ten-year-old girl but at least a very big male gorilla, in addition suffering chronic head cold. “I cannot stand this spell. Indeed it... eh-eh... strikes the ears painfully. But only it for some reason works for me. The rest jams up something there.” Bab-Yagun looked a little embarrassed. “Uh-huh,” Tanya Tanya growled. It was the only thing she found to say. say. Meanwhile Bab-Yagun’s zoomer, getting more incensed by the minute, continued to produc producee deafeni deafening ng sounds sounds,, which which sounde sounded d increa increasin singly gly more more nightm nightmari arish sh with with each minute. “Well, “W ell, do something!” She shouted. “One minute! Here’s the pest, not pulled out! Hooked onto the bandages! Well I!” BabYagun in the heat of the moment pulled out the Turkish dagger and, with an energetic stroke cut the bandages, and extracted something similar to a tin dish. It was worthwhile for him to pass a hand along its bottom, as the jingling sound instantly stopped, although it still rang in Tanya’s Tanya’s ears for a ling time and she heard everything as if through a pillow. pillow.


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When When Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n cut the bandage bandages, s, simult simultaneo aneousl usly y with with the zoomer zoomer rolled rolled out something similar to a bright disk approximately the size of a metallic 5-rouble coin. Tanya wanted to pick it up, but Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun shouted: “Must not, don’t touch it! It’s a bonegraft! Anyone who has whole bones must not touch it!” And in fact, the coin suddenly released six long fragile legs and quickly whisked into a slot between the wall of the balcony and the cabinet. Tanya noticed for a moment that on its back a cut opened up, which could perfectly well be jaws, and sufficiently powerful besides. Meanwhile, on the dim bottom of the zoomer a rosy moustached face flared up. The right moustache curled by itself into ringlets, and the left persistently tried to reach into a nostril, forcing the owner to smack it exasperatedly with a finger. This obviously amused the moustache, and it, choosing a moment, again began to steal up to the nostril. “Bab-Yagun, “Bab-Yagun, do you hear me?” The possessor of the moustaches panted loudly. loudly. “This is Professor Sardanapal! I want to you to behave as cautiously as possible! On no account attract the attention of the moronoids! It’s extremely undesirable for us now. You’re not making any noise there?” “Oh, my granny mama! And no, I’m not making noise,” Bab-Yagun answered in a whisper, whisper, and uneasily uneasily looked askance askance at the illuminated illuminated windows. windows. Although the zoomer had already ceased wailing, so far they did not hurry to dim. “Wha “W hat? t? Why are you you mutt mutter erin ing g ther there? e? Up to misc mischi hief ef,, I supp suppos ose? e? I know know you! you! Remembe Rememberr — silenc silence, e, silence silence,, and again again silence silence!! You should should at least least have learnt learnt something from me? Recall my lessons of conspiracy!” Sardanapal said severely. Tanya looked thunder-str thunder-struck uck at Sardanapal, Sardanapal, whom she heard about from the speaking heads. Judging from the fact that he was feared even by the impetuous bouncers inclined to cannibalism, he possessed enormous magic power. But here he clearly was not solid enough. While Sardanapal himself in a loud bass urged Bab-Yagun to silence, his right moustache launched a fight with the left. Both moustaches rocked like cobras, and they delivered quick blows to each other with their tips. Clearly this was not the first time the moustaches fought and soon enough, coming to an agreement, together they began to tease the academician’s magnificent beard, which was calmly resting on his chest. They were leading it this way: the right moustache snapped it a little from its side, and when the angered beard pursued it, from the other side flew the second moustache, and the game began anew. This did not please the beard terribly. It got into a rage and shuddered more violently with each minute, something the moustaches were striving for. “Bab-Y “Bab-Yagu agun, n, grave grave times times are coming coming,” ,” continu continued ed Sardana Sardanapal pal.. “The “The evil spirit spiritss are behavi behaving ng extrem extremely ely suspici suspicious ously ly.. There There is evidenc evidencee that that they are again again gather gathering ing in crowds, which had not taken place for ten years before now. Individual groups reach the lowe lowerr leve levels ls of Tibid ibidox, ox, alth althoug ough, h, it goes goes with without out sayi saying, ng, they they don’t don’t yet yet dare dare to communicate with the cyclopes... You do understand what this implies? Especially now when the gold sword is stolen?” “Ay-ay-ay! Gloom,” Bab-Yagun uttered, but it seemed to Tanya that he was not too frightened. “On the other hand, why is he disturbed? What worse can happen to him when he already has not a single whole bone?” The girl thought, just in case placing a block so


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that that she she coul could d not be mirr mirror ored ed.. But But BabBab-Y Yagun agun like likely ly was was too too occu occupie pied d by the the conversation with Sardanapal. “Now precisely: gloom!” The academician continued without feeling the irony. “Hm... Well, okay. This is not a zoomer kind of conversation... Did you find Tanya? She’s alive? Everything’s in order with her?” He asked with uneasiness. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun looked over at the girl. “You’re alive?” Tanya nodded. no dded. “She says that she is. In my opinion it’s it’s possible to believe her,” confirmed Bab-Yagun. Bab-Yagun. “Strange. That is, I wanted to say: remarkable,” Sardanapal corrected h imself. “Although, of course, these living corpses now and then so deftly disguise themselves that you’ll not guess for the entire world... While you haven’t driven in the stake, never...” thinking for a bit, Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun added. But the academician was no longer listening. He looked at the place where, as he assumed, Tanya Tanya must be standing. “How do you do, my girl! How have you been living all these years? Sure it has been sufficiently foul for you after all, but it can’t be helped — it’s necessary for all of us to sacrifice something. You’re not offended that we wrapped you in a bubble in the world of the moronoids?” He asked affectionately. affectionately. “I... all this is so... I even did not know... Please excuse me, indeed I even...” Tanya caught her breath from excitement. excitement. Only yesterday yesterday she was — oppressed, oppressed, a degraded degraded orphan, now they informed her that she belonged to one of the most ancient magic families. “Unfortunately, “Unfortunately, I neither see nor hear you — this zoomer z oomer only works with Bab-Y Bab -Yagun,” agun,” continued Sardanapal, when the girl was completely entangled in her feelings. “Listen to everything he’ll tell you. In no later than a week you must be in Tibidox. In this week you should learn the necessary spells for the passage into the magic world, learn to use the double bass and the magic ring! Without this you will not be able to find yourself in Tibidox: the transitional gates will not let you through. Do everything that Bab-Yagun will tell you! We’ll We’ll also try to remove the curse here. But then, possibly, possibly, you’ll not... what should take place will not happen.” Tanya was on guard. It seemed to her that Sardanapal almost told her something actually important. Although it is possible that he expressly let the cat out of the bag. He wanted to prepare her for some such thing which she had yet to find out in due time. If it will come. “And what should take place?” She asked, forgetting that the zoomer nevertheless would not transmit her voice. Suddenly, Suddenly, the rosy face of Sardanapal grew brown, filled with blood. “And what is this! Leave me alone!” He bellowed. At first Tanya was frightened that she enraged the white magician with something, but almost immediately she understood that the reason was not her. The academician started to wheeze. His beard, once and for all driven out of its wits by the tricks of the moustaches, went after one of them and repeatedly wound around the neck of Sardanapal. Making sure that the beard in the heat of the moment twined itself around full length, the moustaches at once pounced on its edge and twice passed it under the base, thus tying the beard into a knot and immobilizing it. Convinced that their enemy had been made a fool


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of, of, the the mous mousta tach ches es,, sati satisf sfie ied d by the the succ succes esss of thei theirr tric trick, k, stre stretc tche hed d out out into into two two exclamation marks. “Enough! “Enough! End connection!” connection!” The academician academician shouted and, grabbing grabbing the beard, started started to pull it off his neck. The last thing that Tanya heard before the zoomer went out once and for all was his yell: “It was the last warning! Where are my scissors?” “How strange he is!” Tanya Tanya was surprised. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun hesitated. “But what do you expect? All geniuses are strange. And this is Academician Sardanapal himself! The head of Tibidox! Chairman of the guild of white magicians, author of works on alchemy, removal of curses, restraining the evil spirits, and dragon authority. Laureate of the Award of the Magic Suspenders, which is presented once a century! True, recently he has become become very very absent absent-mi -minded nded.. Forget Forgetss all contract contracts. s. Someti Sometimes mes even even confuse confusess names. Maybe, someone worked a deferred curse or there is a chronic wasting disease... It cannot be cured to the end.” “Listen... Will they take me into Tibidox forever? I mean, will they toss me back to Uncle Herman again in a couple of months?” “Impossible,” Bab-Yagun twisted his head around. “Whoever finds himself in Tibidox never returns to the moronoids. At any rate, if the person doesn’t want it at all. But usually there is no such person.” “And Tibidox — what is this? Not unlike a boarding school? Or an institute of magic?” “Tibidox... eh-eh... It’s a school. A completely special school,” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun explained. For some reason, she could not clearly understand why, it seemed to Tanya that he was evading the question. Or, in any case, said an ything but what he could say. Suddenly Tanya distinctly heard a noise in the hallway. Granite heels thudded on the linoleum. The steps were so booming that it was possible to decide that the Stone Guest was stomping here. “Aunt Ninel! She’ll now come in and notice you!” Tanya sighed, at the same time thinking that there was nothing surprising that Aunt Ninel woke up. One zoomer was enough, but here still more deafening Pipa’s snore and the embedded ear of “conspiracy” of the academician Sardanapal. “Notice me? Impossible!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun stated. “Why “Why imposs impossibl ible? e? She almost almost always always approac approaches hes the balcony balcony.. At least least to check check whether I’ve decided to open ope n the window into Pipa’s room in order to warm up slightly.” “Relax! I said: she’ll not notice me, and she’ll not notice me. It’s not even necessary for me to purge her memory,” Bab-Yagun smiled mysteriously. At the moment before the door finally opened, he poked himself in the chest with a finger and quickly pronounced: “Shedus spectacus!” spectacus!” A magic ring sparkl sparkled ed with with a green green flash flash — and Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n dissol dissolved ved.. In the air remained remained only the floating bandage, inside inside which — now this especially especially caught the eye — was empty. empty. And in several seconds seconds even the bandage disappeared disappeared — probably the invisible spell worked gradually. gradually. Tanya rushed to the cot, pressing her cheek against the sheet damp for the day, and pretended to be sleeping. She heard how Aunt Ninel entered the room and on tiptoes approached Pipa. Not knowing that her mother loomed, Pipa loudly and distinctly said in her sleep:


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“Oh, G.P.! Oh dear G.P.! I also want to be like you!” Aunt Ninel shook her head and carefully woke her daughter. “Pipa, my poor dear, you’re talking in your sleep. And were you crying? It seemed to me there were some sounds...” “Ha-ha? What? Leave me alone,” Pipa answered in drowsiness, trying, not opening her eyes, to kick her dear mama. “Strange,” “Strange,” Aunt Ninel wondered. “Well, “Well, sleep, little little daughter daughter... And all the time that sound was like: vbdzz-vbzz... Even papa heard it, though he also slips on the night headphones. Let me kiss you!” Extending her lips, Aunt Ninel leaned over Pipa and loudly gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek. A sound was heard immediately, as if someone with all their might punched with a fist into dough. The gold dream of an idiot was realized. Pipa nevertheless hit mama with a foot. “Oho-ho! How this girl cries if her crying can be confused with the sound of my zoomer?” Bab-Yagun whispered in amazement when Aunt Ninel withdrew in a waddle. At first his bandages appeared, then the Turkish dagger, and then gradually also he himself. “Bet “Bette terr you you don’t don’t hear hear it, it, trus trustt me,” me,” Tanya anya wish wished. ed. “All “All who who hear heard d her becom becomee stutterers.” “And why are you not?” “It no longer works on me. I got used to it from childhood. Now when she starts to spit — here’s indeed a full finish. All camels scatter.” “Oh, my granny mama! And you’re lucky with the relatives. The aunt alone is worth something,” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun sympathized. “You “You haven’t seen Uncle Herman yet,” Tanya hemmed. “Why haven’t I? When Sardanapal sent me here, he ordered Medusa to show me you and all your relatives in the white mirror... mirror... Well, Well, so that I wouldn’t mix up anything. an ything. Your Your Uncle Herman, of course, is a picturesque character. How green he is. Nevertheless the blood has its effect. He would be extremely astonished, but the famous vampire Count Dracula is his own great-great-grandfather great-great-grandfather.” .” It seemed to Tanya that she misheard. “Dracula is Uncle Herman’s Herman’s great-great-grandfather?” “Well, yes... Or something like that. I heard this from my own granny, and she knows everything about kinship. She is not clever, but what a true chest of knowledge!” BabYagun said. Suddenly he sniffed tactfully and snapped his fingers. In a second — and in his his hand hand appe appear ared ed a long long loaf loaf with with smok smoked ed saus sausage age,, clear clearly ly borro borrowe wed d from from the the refrigerator of Aunt Ninel. “This I call to take with hap-tsap, hap-tsap, a quick grab. By the way, the spell sounds like that. teleportation,” Bab-Yagun explained, predatorily taking True, some clever fellows call it teleportation,” a bite directly off the stick of sausage. “So, Uncle Herman is also... well, a magician? Since Dracula is his granddad?” Tanya defined more accurately. accurately. BabBab-Y Yagun agun twis twisted ted his his head, head, show showin ing g that that his his mout mouth h was was full full.. As soon soon as he swallowed, he was able to answer: “Kinship with vampire and magic abilities — absolutely different things. It is necessary to be born as a magician, but anyone can easily become a vampire. And what’s so good


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being a living corpse? Nothing good in it — indeed you can believe me. I know a whole heap of them.” “Stop for a bit,” Tanya was suddenly out of countenance, “it turns out Dracula is also my great-great? Indeed I’m a relative of Uncle Herman.” “Nothi “Nothing ng of the sort!” sort!” Bab-Y Bab-Yagun was indign indignant ant.. “Uncle “Uncle Herman Herman and Dracula Dracula are entirely along another line in the kinship, on the maternal. And you, the Grotters, have nothing of the sort as kin! You have as kinsfolk Queen Cleopatra, Ali Baba, the pharaoh Tutankhamen, the old genie Hottabych, and Snow White with the seven dwarfs. Well and even Count Cagliostro. Indeed my granny knows!” Unexpectedly Bab-Yagun recalled something and mercilessly slapped himself on the forehead with a hand. “Well, and I’m a lamebrain! Completely forgotten about my errand... Here, keep this! Sardanapal ordered to transfer it to you so that you would prepare for the flight to Tibidox. I’ll fly in for you in exactly a week, but you still have to learn a lot of things.” Turning back the edge of the mattress on the flying bed, he pulled out a very thick book. Wheezing from the effort, Bab-Yagun wiped its dusty cover with a sleeve and handed it to Tanya: “Watch and guard it! It’s an exceptionally rare book! It was extremely difficult to acquire it from the Tibidox library. The library genie even tried to take my soul as guarantee, but I lied to him that my soul howls at night, and then he gave it to me without any guarantee. You should see our genie Abdullah! Even Eyeless Horror doesn’t risk appeari appearing ng in his presence presence after after the time time he oblite obliterat rated ed the thirte thirteent enth h letter letter on the Curses. By the way, possible thirteenth page of the thirteenth volume of Secrets of Secrets of Fatal Curses. that he became eyeless precisely after this incident. However, it’s not acceptable to ask about this.” Listening to the brisk chatter of Bab-Yagun, Tanya, trembling, took the book from his hands and, looking at the cover, discovered that she was holding in her hands nothing but A Thousand Tips for a Young Hostess. Hostess. “Strange,” she wondered and, opening the book at random, read: Tip 8. Linen will not soil so fast if you add to the washing powder several drops of lemon juice. juice. “Perhaps he mixed something up?” She thought, getting acquainted with Tip 24: For the preparation of small loaves you will need: 150 g of butter or margarine, 250 g of powdered sugar, 6 eggs, dried lemon peel, 70 g of raisins, 70 g of sugared or preserved preserved fruits, 400 g of flour (desirably (desirably the best kind), a pinch of baking soda... But Bab-Yagun was beaming so that it was clear: no, the book is precisely what is needed. Hiding disappointment, Tanya opened it nearer the middle: Tip 567. If in a restaurant or cafe a stranger persistently pesters you, do not panic. Plac Placee on his his clot clothi hing ng a perc percept eptib ible le spot spot of sour sour crea cream m or ketc ketchu hup, p, afte afterr which which immediately phone 01- 02- 03- 04. “Some nonsense. And where’s the magic here? They’re what, bringing me to Tibidox as a cook?” Tanya thought unhappily. Deciding that it would be more proper to not read everything indiscriminately but examine the index, she looke d at it and read: Secrets of darning with small crosses.............5 New life for an old teapot..........12


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Washing of woollen articles.............75 “Well “W ell,, how’ how’s the book book to you?” you?” Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n happily happily asked asked her, her, interr interrupt upting ing her acquaintance with chapter eighteen about exterminating moths. “Eh-eh... Very cognitive. It teaches... eh-eh... all sorts of useful things,” afraid of offending him, Tanya muttered, thinking to herself that Aunt Ninel bought similar books by the dozen in a week, at the same time not getting mixed up with a troublesome genie. “Well, what are you reading there?” Bab-Yagun, catching the note of disappointment in her voice, looked at it over her shoulders shoulders and burst out laughing: laughing: “So here’s here’s what the matter is! All this hogwash confused you! It’s for masking in case the book falls into the hands of the moronoids or someone from the evil spirits! But now watch and memorize!” Bab-Yagun quickly flicked to a page with his forefinger and whispered: “Chilloutum! “Chilloutum!”” In that moment the exterior exterior of the book changed. changed. In Tanya’ Tanya’ss hands appeared appeared a chubby shabby volume in a binding of dragon skin, on which was printed in gold decorative letters: The Reference Book of White Magician Sole existing copy

“In general all magic books exist in a sole copy. It’s only the moronoids who have fully identical books. True, in some of our publications magic doubles can exist, like a mirror reflection, which is also possible to use,” Bab-Yagun explained. “But this is not a reflection?” “No, it also never had one. Look, there must be a stamp... Aha, here it is!” On the title page of the book Tanya saw a flickering stamp: Tibidox Library. Return on the second new moon to avoid imposition of curse. “And what, they’ll actually curse, if you don’t return it?” Tanya asked with doubt. She hardly uttered this when the stamp blinked and assumed the form of a gallows. The inscription under the loop said: Believe! “I don’t advise you to check. Strict customs in the library. library. You You can’t even imagine what the genie does with those who pull out pages. Better you never find out,” Bab-Yagun hesitated. Carefully opening the book to that page where earlier was the recipe for preparation of loaves, Tanya read: Tip Tip 24. For fatten fattening ing domestic domestic harpies harpies take take twelve twelve rotten rotten eggs. eggs. Beat Beat them them up thoroug thoroughly hly with the tail of a fright frightened ened young skunk. skunk. Add into into the soup freshly freshly chopped rat meat and season to taste with dry gadflies and bumblebees... Serve chilled in marshy sauce. “Oho-ho! It’s It’s no longer about a bout loaves!” Tanya thought. Curious about what happene d to Tip 567, Tanya Tanya learned the following: If in the other world a dead man, Digest-Pester or Blue Uncle, attached itself to you, follow the following rules: on no account use magic against them, answer not a single question they put to you, take nothing from their hands. In case they give you advice, avoid following them. Violating any of these rules can cost you your life. “Well!” “W ell!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun said. “You “You read the book and bring yourself up to date. Without this you will not get to us. True, we also transported other students without knowledge of any spells, but you are a special case! c ase! With With you this trick for some reason doesn’t work.”


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“Why?” Tanya Tanya was astonished. a stonished. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun shrugged his shoulders: “Don’t “Don’t know. know. Everyone Everyone tried. tried. Sardanapal, Sardanapal, Medusa, and even Professor Professor Stinktopp: Stinktopp: something keeps you out. Either guard magic or because you’re Grotter’s daughter. You have to pass through the gates yourself, and that means to cram the spells by yourself. So they sent me with this book.” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun slapped the cover with his hand. “You’ll not learn all the spells, it’s a fact. An awful lot of them,” he continued. “So, don’t study so hard that your head swells up: learn by heart only the ones to do with flight, spells for passage, and how to use the ring. The rest all the same you won’t understand — here teachers are needed. And here always remember one other thing... not unlike rule number one of magic. Never and on no account reveal the secret of magic to the moronoids! Don’t take it into your head to relate to them a single spell.” “So that they would not master magic?” Tanya asked. Bab-Yagun wanted to shake his bandaged head, but had obviously forgotten about the cast on the neck. “Ne-a, all the same they’ll not master magic. One must be born as a magician. Here indeed the main thing is not the words but who utters these words, that at the same time he presents them and, most necessary, whether he believes in what he’s saying. And so Hocus Pocus!’ Pocus!’ — not one object will jump into your although the whole day you shout: ‘ Hocus hand if you were not born with abilities. The moronoids will only damage spells, will callous them by incoherent repetition, and everything. But the main thing, the magician who reveals the secret to the uninitiated will forever become an outcast. They’ll take away his magic ring, remove his practice, he immediately becomes nobody.” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun stopped talking, still recollecting something. “It seems I still have something to transfer to you... Aha, your magic ring! Good that I was talking about this!” He untangled the bandages, completely satisfactorily this time, managed at the same time not to let out a single bonegraft, and extracted a small wooden box with the letters “LeoGr.” Inside in the pressed down hollow Tanya saw a man’s signet ring with the impression in the form of a small bird. “Don’t lose it... A magic ring is for life. Not possible to use other people’s rings, just as it’s not possible to order a new one. Possibly it will come off, but magic rings cannot be tightened. It’s... hmm... the ring of Leopold, your father.” Tanya with great care took the ring in her hand, deciding not to put it on for the time being. The ring was cool and heavy. heavy. It seemed considerably lighter in looks. “And where’s my papa? Why did he not fly to me? Uncle Herman always told me that he’s in prison. And a disgusting sticky little fellow with horns said that my parents perished. But indeed he lied, right?” She asked with agitation. This question had long been twirling on her tongue. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun started to cough and, and , turning away, away, began to check whether the talismans on the flying bed were untangled. “Eh-eh, “Eh-eh, my granny mama... You You see, your parents... parents... They’re no more... more... She-Who-Is She-Who-Is- No-More killed them. Therefore you turned up at Uncle Herman’s. Otherwise they, by themselves, would not abandon you,” he growled. It seemed to Tanya that someone struck the back of her head with something heavy and elastic. If Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun did not support her, she would fall.


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“No. Not true...” she said quietly. “Didn’t want to tell you, but you would find out all the same... And on the whole it’s time for me to go. Must be in Tibidox before dawn. Don’t want my bed to be an eyesore to the moronoids. And then, you know, they sleep badly after this... Well Well that’s it, bye, I’ll come for you in exactly a week!” “You’re “You’re flying away already?” Tanya flinched. Most of all she wanted now to grab hold of Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun and not let him go. “And here’s another thing: you study your spells, but don’t take it into your head to fly by yourself!” yourself!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun continued continued anxiously anxiously.. “You “You hear? Don’t do it at any price! Somebody will be pleased if you smash yourself up, so we’ll not give him this pleasure.” Clear Clearly ly rush rushin ing g to take take leav leave, e, BabBab-Y Yagun agun hurr hurrie iedly dly sat sat on the the bed bed and quie quietl tly y pronounced: kamikazis!” “ Pilotus kamikazis!” From under the cast where the ring was, a delicate green flash flew out. The bed began to creak, clumsily squeezed through the window of the balcony, and slid along the house, h ouse, gradually gaining altitude. a ltitude. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun waved to Tanya. Tanya. “Success! I hope the spells will work for you! They don’t work for many, but there’s nothing to be done here. It either is or isn’t!” He shouted. When the bed flew past the next-to-last floor, Bab-Yagun mischievously knocked on the glass. A high female screech was heard in a second from the window. Likely the prima prima balleri ballerina na of the Bolsho Bolshoii Theatre Theatre Kateri Katerina na Kolodki Kolodkina na disapp disapprov roved ed of flying flying mummies peeking into her windows. “Bab-Yagun is right. Hardly possible to lie down to sleep after this. Though all the same it’s already morning soon,” thought Tanya, tightly clutching in her hand the ring of her father, Leopold Grotter. Her parents may not be among the living, but she loves them and always will... Father and mama. Chapter 6 The Dead Eye

The week stretched stretched out — happy, happy, full of anticipations, anticipations, and at the same time the most endless week in Tanya’s Tanya’s life. Only that she was a little confused, — how will the Durnevs take her disappearance? Is it worthwhile to warn them or better even to say goodbye? And then the following evening when Aunt Ninel, in a good mood, was reading a magazine, and Pipa beside her was writing a letter to her mysterious G.P, G.P, Tanya Tanya could not hold back and asked: “If I were to disappear suddenly, how would you take it?” Aunt Aunt Ninel Ninel stop stoppe ped d readi reading ng and and with with curio curiosi sity ty looke looked d sidew sideway ayss at her over over the the magazine. “Disappear to where? And who needs need s you?” She snorted contemptuously. contemptuously. “Most likely she’s talking about the colony. But then it would not be unexpected, but completely expected,” added Pipa and, judging by the venomous expression of her face, she immediately began to bring this detail into the letter to her mysterious G.P. G.P. At the same time Tanya noticed that Pipa and Aunt Ninel exchanged quick glances as if they were keeping a shared secret from her. A very nasty little secret, as far as it was possible to judge by their faces.


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“Very lovely! Others may not, but the Durnevs will only be glad if once I’m found missing!” Tanya Tanya decided, immediately calmed. Returning from school, she no longer spent time on lessons but immediately armed with the magic book and, snapping her finger at it, uttered: “Chilloutum “Chilloutum!” !” In that moment the very thick book book A Thousand Tips for a Young Hostess, Hostess, containing the secrets of darning by small cross, transformed into the priceless The Reference Book of White Magician. Magician. Here indeed it was actually possible to learn about everything in the world! Not without reason the library genie so unwillingly handed out this book, knowing that it, though not for long, would be in the world of the moronoids. But the magicia magicians ns from from Tibid Tibidox ox knew excellent excellently ly how to protec protectt their their secret secretss in whatever world — human or magic — they were found. And Tanya was soon convinced of this. On Wednesday returning from school later than usual — she was forced to be on duty in the biology lab, — Tanya heard two voices from Pipa’s room. The first, capricious, screechy, clearly belonged to Pipa herself, and the other, unpleasant and harsh, to her best girlfriend Lenka Mumrikova. “And it’s it’s here she lives, at yours? Fie, what ugliness!” Len ka said. Tanya quickly pressed her ear against the door slot in order to not miss a sound. “Aha. On the balcony. I don’t let her in my room. I don’t want to sleep together with this fool,” She heard the grumbling of o f Pipa. “And in winter?” “In winter she sleeps in the dark room. Well, I always persuade my parents to get rid of her somewhere... To the orphanage there or somewhere else.” “And will they?” “Mama is for, but father says: not now, must wait until after the elections, — then it’s possible to send her packing. He said that he knows of an outstanding boot camp for children with criminal inclinations, where all the beds stand in a line, you get up at five in the morning, and have a compulsory hardening by icy water before bedtime. Those who seriously disrupt the discipline, for example unevenly placing boots in front of the bed or not saying: ‘Yes!’ when the diary is called for, are forced to polish with a toothbrush the floor in the sports hall.” Tanya shuddered. Here is what kind of “surprise,” it appears, Aunt Ninel and Pipa have prepared for her. Well no matter, in several days she would not be here already. If only everything would turn out with the spells of passage and flight! Tanya already mastered how to pronounce a few words simply, but she still had to tune her thoughts by definite means and force the magic ring, which had been behaving extremely wilfully so far, to obey. “That she needs, this Grotter! Will have to phone that boot camp so that they will handle her stricter there,” said Mumrikova. Knowing that if she entered the room now, Pipa and Lenka would guess that she was eavesdropping, Tanya remained in the hallway. Meanwhile the voices moved to the window. A door slammed and Tanya surmised that the classmates were already on the balcony. “This is her cot?” Lenka asked with disgust.


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“Aha,” confirmed Pipa. “You want to look at her case, which she trembles over so? I recently had a look at what she had in there, only imagine, a huge double bass! I have no idea where she took it from.” “Found in the dumpster,” said Mumrikova, and both girls laughed disgustingly like horses. “Let’s do something with her double bass! I must get even with her for scalding me,” proposed Pipa. “What, badly?” “I felt nothing at all. The tea was almost cold and I was even in pants. Only must get even all the same,” said Pipa, and the idiotic neighing laugh was heard again. The cabinet began to creak and Tanya understood that they were trying to open the door. door. But it was precis precisely ely imposs impossibl ible. e. After After the incide incident nt with with the disgus disgustin ting g dwarf dwarf chewing up her diary, Tanya cunningly adjusted one of the nails so that it began to serve as a bolt, and, not knowing the secret, it was impossible to open the cabinet. “Doesn’t work! She locked it! Here’s a scoundrel, treats the balcony as in her own home! Well no matter, in the boot camp she will have only one night table!” Pipa puffed with irritation. A sound was heard as if someone was kicking the cot with all their strength. Something heavy fell on the floor. While Tanya attempted to think what it could be, Mumrikova exclaimed: “Look, a book! Interesting, what’s she reading? Oh, A Thousand Tips for a Young Hostess! Hostess! Most likely it describes how to polish floor with a brush, spool spaghetti, or nail a torn slipper.” slipper.” “A book? Where? Aha!” Pipa triumphed. “Let’s ruin it! If someone lent it to her, he’ll know about getting mixed up with this slob. How would we do it? Rip it — too boring, cross out the pages with a pen — too long. Aha! Better smear it with glue!” “Better let me,” Mumrikova proposed ingratiatingly. “Grotter nevertheless won’t know that I was here, h ere, and you’ll seemingly have h ave nothing to do with it. You You didn’t do it!” “Exactly! So let’s do it!” Pipa agreed. “Take the glue from my table! Outstanding glue — Super-cement, grips immediately and forever... Quick! Got it? And now drip right here and...” Tanya came to, suddenly understood that they found her her Reference Book of White Magician, Magician, which she, instead of hiding in the cabinet, left under the pillow. Here is a fool! Left without the book, she would not know how to prepare for the passage, and then... On top of that the genie would go nuts — she remembered perfectly what BabYagun told her about the damaged pages. Afraid she was too late, she rushed into the room, but, not yet reaching the doorknob, heard a wild, almost superhuman howl. More precisely, two wild superhuman howls merging into one. The tube with the Super-cement glue flew swiftly over Pipa’s head, generously spilling on her hair. The book, exactly like the jaw of a bulldog, closed on Lenka Mumrikova’s Book did hand. Mumrikova Mumrikova howled and swung her hand, but the grasp of The of The Reference Book did not slacken. Pipa, on whose head the glue was flowing, had time already to grow hoarse and only squeaked faintly when it dripped onto her nose. Push Pushin ing g each each othe otherr, the the frie friend ndss rush rushed ed about about in the the room room and and on the the balcon balcony: y: Mumrikova tried to free herself from the book, and Pipa was dodging from the tube of


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glue, which, like a dive bomber, already went on the third round and clearly did not intend to stop. Chilloutum!” Tanya whispered softly. “Chilloutum!” Having grown heated the book did not hear or pretended that it did not hear. Only when Tanya repeated the spell a third time then the reference book unwillingly relaxed the pages and jumped by itself into her hand, far-sightedly remaining for the time Tips for a Young Hostess. Hostess. At the same time the tube of glue dripped the last drop onto Pipa’s head and fell onto Pipa’s table, innocently lowering itself in its previous place next to the container filled with felt-tip pens. Pipa, deep-purple deep-purple from horror, slowly settled settled on the carpet next to the enormous enormous pink dinosaur, a gift from the famous TV personality Prushkin, who needed something from Uncle Herman. With hatred staring at Tanya, she obviously wanted to say something, but that book in her hands. Finally, remembering about the could not decide because she saw that book glue flooding her entire head, Pipa on all fours quickly crawled away into the hallway. In the bathroom the tap began to drone. Meanwhile Meanwhile Mumrikova Mumrikova decided to look at her freed hand. It would have been better if she did not do this, because immediately a new howl, not a bit quieter but even louder than before, resounded along the balcony and the entire apartment of the Durnevs. Along the back and the outside of Lenka’s hand, with the only exception of the cushions of her fingers and the nails, thick reddish fur curled. “I-it“I-it-is is all you! you! You!” ou!” Mumrik Mumrikova ova showed showed Tanya anya the overgro overgrown wn finger fingers, s, the fur growing longer with each second, and, again squealing, threw herself into the hallway after Pipa.

*** “And now it’s possible to do some work. I think they’ll not bother us anymore,” said Tanya, turning to the book. It accordingly flew over to the windowsill and was opened on the chapter Flight spells and spells of passage. For flights on accessory flying instruments please obey the following rules. Sit down on top of the instrument and firmly clasp it with your legs. Take in your hands the controlling object (the handle of a vacuum, a bow, etc.). Should hold it firmly and lightly at the same time, closer to the middle. Avoid abrupt movements, but simultaneously block constraints. Remember, the instrument is capable of throwing you off if you behave apprehensively or in a cowardly manner. manner. Check Check the corre correctn ctness ess of the binding binding of the talism talismans. ans. Remember Remember that that an untied untied talisman can lead to a drop. Thoroughly calculate the spells from the weight and speed of transportation. The fastest spell “Speedus envenomus” is suitable for swift displacement of magicians and lightlight-wei weight ght object objectss to great great distan distances. ces. This This supersuper-hig high-sp h-speed eed spell spell demands demands considerable skills of control of the flying objects; therefore novices are prohibited to use it to avoid a more than probable fatal outcome! The The me medi dium um in speed speed and and safe safety ty spel spelll “H “Hast astenu enuss plod plodus” us” is suit suitabl ablee for for adult adult magicians and objects of average weight. If you need to, for example, transfer an


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elephant, you are afraid of heights, or your flight means is badly fitted out for high-speed accelerations, you should use the spell “Pilotus kamikazis.” To avoid sudden drop in the case of bucking of the instrument or going against a strong wind do not forget forget to utter the safety net spell “Oyoyoys “Oyoyoys smackis smackis thumpis.” A safety net spell will not be able to prevent a drop, but it will soften its consequences. All spells should be accompanied by green flashes of the magic ring on one to a spell. Avoid both redundant number of green flashes and occurrence of red flashes. Red flashes — flashes — a a ritual of black magic — magic — can can distort spells and lead to unpredictable consequences. Before Before proceeding proceeding to practice, practice, it is obligatory to become acquainted acquainted with the chapter “Safe landing or braking spells.” “A nightmare, how much studying is necessary! Of course, later I’ll learn by heart, but better write a crib sheet for the time being!” Tanya thought, just impatient to proceed faster to practice. Grabbing a pen, Tanya was about to start writing the spells on her palm, but suddenly sensed the smell of burnt plastic. And in a second she went “Aw!” and dropped the pen. Not having yet flown as far as the floor, the pen became a dark smoking piece of plastic. To the smoke snaking from it rising into the air was added the words: Magic secret! Strictly forbidden to copy spells! Bending maliciously, the exclamation mark glided to the side and stole up Tanya’s nostril, after forcing her to sneeze. The inscription melted away. away. “Also what regular things for me to find... It can’t be helped, I have to learn by heart,” Tanya muttered, puckering from the unpleasant smell of cinder. Cramming the spells, Tanya Tanya took the double bass from the case, sat down on it and took the bow in hand. Moreover she did not take it on the edge as she did before but in the middle. It made not the slightest impression on grandpa Grotter’s instrument. Tanya took a deep breath of air and, estimating which of the three spells would be most suitable, decided to choose the medium Hastenus medium Hastenus plodus. plodus. Just she herself, of course, was light, but on the other hand the instrument was heavy. And later, if the double bass jerked too abruptly out of place, would she be able to hold onto it? Almost ready to blurt out the spell, Tanya recalled that she forgot to check whether all the talismans were in place and to pronounce the safety net spell. “Here’s a blockhead!” She scolded herself, got down from the double bass and started to inspect it attentively. But, in spite of all searches, it was impossible for her to discover a single talisman like those on the bed of Bab-Yagun. Again re-reading the chapter in the magic book, Tanya discovered a postscript at the end: Talismans can be absent in some of the most perfect models of flying objects, see list on page 1092. The girl was ready to swear that earlier there was also no mention of this postscript. The book was clearly playing tricks, being lazy to immediately highlight the entire text. double bass mast. mast. Th. Opening Opening to page 1092, Tanya anya discov discovere ered d her instru instrumen mentt — double Grotter, 1654 — 1654 — in the list of flying instruments without talismans. There it was placed in the eighth place after the manned dish of D.Ogg, the dental armchair of S.T.Utter, and the Trojan horse of Ch.E.At. Clarifying that talismans were not needed by b y her, Tanya Tanya again occupied the place on the double bass and, carefully waving the bow, pronounced: “Oyoyoys smackis thumpis.” After waiting several seconds to find out whether something took place confirming that her spell included insurance and ended with nothing, she decided and shouted:


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“ Hastenus plodus!” plodus!” Immediately after pronouncing the spell, Tanya closed her eyes tight for a moment but opened them right away, realizing that the double bass did not even tremble, remaining in its earlier position. If it rose at least a centimetre, it would already be a success. But no — it clearly did not intend to set off anywhere. Tanya felt that her hands were shaking and even her chin was trembling. This second failure discouraged much more than the first. “They don’t work for many, but there’s nothing to be done here. It either is or isn’t!” She recalled the words of Bab-Yagun. But what if... what if she doesn’t have it? What if she did not inherit the gift from the Grotters? “Perhaps I’m completely not of the magicians? Perhaps I’m quite ordinary, without any abilities?” Tanya thought with horror. Now for some reason she was definitely certain that the double bass would not fly anywhere, but if so, then she would remain in the human world forever and would soon be polishing with a toothbrush the floor of a sports hall. “Interesting, there at least they hand out toothbrushes or must I stock them myself while I’m still here?” A panic thought flickered in her. Feeling that her forehead was damp, Tanya raised her hand in order to wipe it, and — she suddenly noticed that she did not have the magic ring on her hand. So here is the problem! How could she expect to fly without a magic green flash! Clearly, without the ring the spell did not have the equal amount of power. Dashing to the cabinet, she moved aside the secret nail and extracted from the pocket of her oldest jeans, which even Pipa would be squeamish to take in her hands, the wooden box with the letters “LeoGr” hidden in there. Having put on the ring, Tanya immediately bent her finger, afraid that it would jump off, and, getting ready to pronounce: “Hastenus plodus,” energetically waved her hand. Green sparks flew out from the ring. Not one as required, but at least a hundred. Two or three of them burnt Tanya’s nose, several dozen singed the double bass, and the rest with a loud crackle scattered in the air. “Hey! What’s with you, gone completely nuts — to shake me so? What am I to you, a rattle?” Suddenly someone’s squeaky voice muttered. But even Tanya understood after a moment that it came from the ring. “You... “You... eh... it... can talk?” She could not believe it. “And it’ll be known to you I’m the ring of Theophilus Grotter. He presented to me his voice, his character, and the ability to speak for five minutes minu tes a day. Precisely five minutes and not a second more,” the ring answered with the tunefulness of a lock that had not been greased for a long time and, not answering a single question anymore, with the squeaky voice struck up an ancient song in an incomprehensible language. “Well, and grandpa Theophilus had a voice! Indeed a character!” Tanya said to herself with relief, when five minutes finally elapsed and the ring became silent, after growling finally in Russian: “And so without anymore nonsense! And that you will crash and then find out what’s the price of white slippers nowadays!” “Well, “W ell, that’s it! Now or never!” Tanya said, mad at herself. Firmly taking the bow, she was already prepared to blurt out: “Hastenus plodus,” but here a strange thing happened. The medium safety spell “Hastenus plodus” by strange means suddenly tumbled out from her memory.


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“Do you intend to fly or plod?” As if she heard someone’s mocking whisper. “It’ll be faster on crutches! Want to fly, so fly!” Tanya yielded, and immediately from her tongue completely unexpectedly another got away, away, the extremely dangerous and unpredictable spell — “Speedus — “Speedus envenomus.” *** Almost instantly the magic ring spat out a green spark, and in the next moment Tanya perceived that the double bass broke loose from its place and rushed outside through the window opened wide. Immediately the wind by short furious gusts-slaps attempted to throw her off, but she held on firmly. firmly. Branches, windows, roofs, heaps of leaves on the lawn, wet cars, birds, and antennas, flashed by. Orange and dark-blue strips launched from heaven knows where were in a swirl. The sky and the earth suddenly changed places, and where, according to Tanya’s assumption, asphalt should be, cloud suddenly floated out. Ah, it is simply her turned upside down in the air! With great difficulty Tanya managed again to return to the normal position. Although was it possible to consider normal what was taking place? With amazing speed, each minute risking running into a highrise or getting entangled in an electrical wire, she rushed over the city. The double bass, sensing on itself an inexperienced rider, as if wanting to throw her off, either fell into an air pocket or rocketed upwards so steeply that Tanya’s back was literally hanging above the ground and she again began to see houses turned upside down. Attempting to cling to the double bass and at least somehow to hold on to it, she nearly dropped the bow, but right away remembered that she must not do this. Without the bow she would instantly lose control of the double bass, and then it would be even worse... Although is it possible to say that she was mastering it? It was flying more to wherever it wanted... Feeling Feeling herself on top of a missile missile — to where Baron von Münchhausen Münchhausen was on his slow shot! — Tanya Tanya suddenly recalled that she did not say “Oyoyoys smackis thumpis” and because of her own stupidity she remained without insurance. She tried to utter “Oyoyoys smackis thumpis” right there, but gusts of wind beat into her face, into her mouth, and blew the words away. Moreover she was clutching the double bass by the hand with the magic ring, holding the bow in the other. If she now unclenched her hand to shoot out a green spark, it would simply be carried away. Tanya was in a flap. Here indeed was exactly the very time to find out the price of white slippers. Galloping headlong, the double bass was clearly not under control, so far mira miracu culo lous usly ly avoid avoidin ing g coll collis isio ions ns,, never neverth thel eles esss soon sooner er or late laterr it would would run run into into something. Or she herself, getting tired, would unclench her hand. “Perhaps it’s not so bad in the boot camp for children with criminal inclinations!” The thought flickered in her. “But only I doubt Uncle Herman will begin to jump onto the roof now with a net in order to catch me and send me to the boot camp.” Unex Unexpec pecte tedly dly the the doubl doublee bass bass abrupt abruptly ly nodde nodded d off off down downwa ward rd and then then quic quickly kly sideways. Trying to hold onto it, Tanya suddenly grasped that she recently made exactly the same movement with the end of the bow downward and to the side. Desiring to verify


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her own guess, she again carefully guided the bow a little upward, and... the double bass, immediately ceasing to lose altitude, started to climb. So it is! The double bass obeyed the bow, repeated all its movements! Especially if it was accompanied by the leaning of the entire body to the same side. So, it means all the absurd figures traced by the double bass in the air, all these “barrels” and failures were explained by her trying not to fall, confusedly swinging the hand with the bow. And she... she even wanted to drop the bow. With the thought of what would happen if she had done that, Tanya shuddered. The unguided double bass would begin to somersault exactly as the falling bow, and then... Then in exactly the same manner it would ram into the ground. But for some reason fear had already retreated. Looking beneath her, an enormous widespread city and white clouds flowing around pierced by long, whimsical brokenthrough rays of a sun suddenly peeping out, Tanya at once experienced the delight of swift flight. It was a new, unknown feeling — the intoxicating rapture of speed, complete merging with the clouds, the sky, the powerful airstreams which either shot up from the ground or, on the contrary, contrary, started out softly but firmly forcing to the ground. It seemed to Tanya that once she had already experienced this feeling and she only onl y forgot as a result of strange coincidences. Easily and confidently tracing out figures with the edge of the bow as if she had always done this, Tanya bathed in the air-flow. The double bass, becoming suddenly amazingly obedient and had seemingly grown quiet, obligingly fulfilled her smallest desire. It either traced a loop in the air, or came down with a whistle, or, like a flying carpet, began to softly gain altitude. It seemed to Tanya that she and the double bass became o ne. It was as if a part of her, like the body of a stallion for the centaur or the fish tail for the mermaid. “Really can anything compare with the beauty and power of flight of the double bass?” Tanya thought. With a narrow, slightly hooked nose like that of a hawk, gradually widening behind, it literally pierced the air. Its wide base reliably and tightly caught the air-flows and slid on them, like a light boat it was sliding along the waves. A smooth narrow spot in the center was seemingly created for sitting on top. In many respects it was not inferior to a saddle. Only there was no stirrup here, well, and stirrups on the double bass would look foolish, on top of that for sure it would thunder at high speed. Tanya thought with sympathy about those old-fashioned sorcerers, that they fly on brooms. What, in essence, is such a broom? A stick with a bunch of twigs attached to it, which for sure begins to shake and dangle, this bunch will hardly catch an air pocket or meet a lateral gust. Even the icy wind, earlier blowing right through her and penetrating to the last vein so that it seemed she would suddenly become a piece of ice frozen to the double bass, now already for some reason bothered her little. When she, venturing a risky experiment, rushed past with the speed of a rocket above the ground, she nearly flew into Genka Bulonov, who had just walked out of the entrance. Only miraculously, miraculously, directing the double bass sharply to the side, was it possible for Tanya to avoid a collision. Bulonov was knocked down by the gust of air. Opening and closing his mouth like a fish thrown onto sand, he sat on the asphalt and looked thunderstruck at the small point disappearing d isappearing in the sky sk y. But what was Bulonov to Tanya! Tanya! She already did not feel sorry that she chose the fastest spell. To drag along on Pilotus kamikazis... kamikazis... Well indeed not! If Bab-Yagun used it, then, most likely because the iron bed


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nevertheless nevertheless could not develop a decent speed, and even the commentator commentator of dragonball dragonball matches matches had not yet resto restored red his form after after the encounter encounter with with angry angry witches witches and vampires dissatisfied with him. She was not an elephant and not Aunt Ninel heavily flying into the supermarket... Imagining in the air Aunt Ninel, who with a face twisted from horror, crushing the dachshund to herself with one hand, and holding her skirt with the other, Tanya laughed and began to trace a beautiful eight. She already almost saw how she would do it. A takeoff, takeoff, then a loop with a short short turn of the head downward, again a loop, already down with the head, and then exit to the usual position at the same place. Suddenly, when Tanya had already straightened out the double bass, a dark shadow flickered over her head, and in the next moment something forcefully hit her face and the hand griping the bow. Something sharp ripped her jean jacket on the chest and slid along her cheek. Instinctively shrinking back to protect her eyes, Tanya in an instant saw a non blink blinking ing yellow yellow,, malici malicious ously ly looking looking eye. eye. A disgus disgustin ting, g, sickeni sickening ng smell smell struck struck her nostrils. Pain pierced her hand and she almost dropped the bow. Acting intuitively faster, Tanya bent down to the double bass and attempted to speed it up in order to break away from the dark shadow. But the double bass had not yet come out of the eight. Its reserve of speed was clearly not enough. Again the dark shadow flickered... Tanya, like the last time, did not understand how she would have time to swing around and how she would manage to develop this speed. This time the sharp blow was inflicted from below and fell on her leg in passing. The blow was so powerful that the strings of the double bass began to hum. The double bass tilted from this blow, and immediately again the immobile yellow eye emerged from somewhere. The hand with the bow suddenly became terribly heavy and somewhat disobedient. Before Tanya was able to become aware or at least be frightened, the double bass somersaulted twice in the air and rushed to the ground. The yellow eye lit up with triumph and disappeared. With a loud howl falling downward, Tanya already saw the dark asphalt square between two houses rushing up to her at breakneck speed. But, when there remained not more than ten metres to the ground, the double bass suddenly slowed down the drop. Still one stunning loop, so abrupt that her brain nearly overtur overturned ned in her head — in any case, case, it was precise precisely ly such a feelin feeling, g, — the magic instrument of Theophilus Grotter, ceasing to lose altitude, soared up into the sky. Strings buzzed buzzed in an overst overstrai rained ned way, way, furiou furiously sly... ... It seemed seemed they would now break break from from indignation. Obviously it was necessary for the instrument to invest all its magic p ower to get out from the dive. Tanya decided that by some miracle, even, probably, by chance, she pointed the end of the bow upward and did this sufficiently smoothly and confidently that the double bass would obey it. “Well, “W ell, why did I begin b egin to fall... Ah yes, the shadow,” shadow,” Tanya muttered. And only now, when it became clear what she had escaped from, an icy wave of horror swept over her. Tanya began to turn her head, peering into the sky with fright. The clouds were like cotton wool whimsically painted with violet, pink, and blue watercolours. Solar rays made their way through confusedly. No, the dark shadow was nowhere — it sprung up from who knows where and disappeared so mysteriously and without a trace.


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Her hand became more benumbed. It obeyed so badly that it was possible to decide that it did not exist at all, and in its place was attached something foreign and hindering. Tanya lowered her eyes and saw blood oozing out of three deep cuts on her wrist. There was even a scratch on her face: over the cheek spread a strange coolness, seemingly stretching out into a thread. Something sticky persistently dripped onto her collar. Looking intently at the scratches on her hand, Tanya understood suddenly what they had meant to do. They wanted to knock the bow off her, and so, to kill her cold-bloodedly and prudent prudently ly.. Moreov Moreover er,, someone someone who knew the secret secretss of magic magic flights flights clearl clearly y attempted to destroy her. The plan almost succeeded. If Tanya had not swerved abruptly and had not tugged at the bow completely completely by accident, then, most likely she would have already been a stain on the asphalt. The one who decided to kill her had thought over the smallest details. By some means he even knew how to temporarily penetrate her consciousness and compel her to say “Speedus envenomus” when she was going to utter the safer “Hastenus safer “Hastenus plodus.” “You study your spells, but don’t take it into your head to fly by yourself! You hear? Don’t do it at any price! Somebody will be pleased if you smash yourself up,” She distinctly recalled the words of Bab-Yagun. Bab-Yagun. He warned her, so why did she not listen?! After what happened, Tanya did not have any desire to continue the flight. Discovering that she had managed to remain among the living, the dark shadow could again return any minute minute and finish finish what it starte started. d. Estima Estimatin ting g in what what direct direction ion the house of Uncle Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel stood, she swung the double bass around and, attentively peering at the clouds to see if a terrible dark spot would appear among them, she flew in the return direction. Her hand throbbed with continuous pain, changing in time to total numbness. Already before the landing itself, Tanya expected still one more surprise. She suddenly remembered that she never learnt the braking spells. That is, to take-off she did, but here how to come down now — unknown. It seems that the spell “Speedus “Speedus envenomus” envenomus” was too swift for the double bass to stop itself. More likely she would simply be flattened against the asphalt or greet the wall of the house at a mad speed. Aiming as if she was contriving to land more successfully, she twice flew around the block. block. The asphalt asphalt courtyard courtyardss were were badly badly suited suited for landing, landing, just just as the small small park park enmeshe enmeshed d with with electr electrica icall wires. wires. The prospe prospect ct of hanging hanging from from a high-v high-volt oltage age line line attracted her even less than the possibility of breaking into smithereens. “Likely today I’m nevertheless fated to become a flat cake or at the worst be charred! And Pipa will have an excellent excuse to miss school, setting off for my burial. She will bring along Lenka Mumrikova. They’ll both gobble up potato chips and throw candy wrappers into my grave,” Tanya thought gloomily. Not wanting to give such pleasure to Pipa, she decided to fight for her life with all her might and suddenly recalled the safety net spell which she had not used so far. Picking the moment when it was safe to unclench her hand with the ring, Tanya let out a green spark and exclaimed: thumpis!” “Oyoyoys smackis thumpis!” The double bass confusedly started to swerve in the air, and in a second an unknown force decisively pulled her off it. The wind began to whistle. Windows of the multi-storey house house,, lit lit up by the the fragm fragmen ente ted d suns sunset et,, flas flashe hed d by. by. The The asph asphal altt of Rubl Rublev ev Road Road relentlessly moved up to the girl.


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“A-a-a!” Tanya Tanya yelled, dropping the already useless bow and covering her face with her hands hands.. Befo Before re her her inter interna nall eyes eyes alre already ady loom loomed ed the the caus causti ticc face face of Pipa, Pipa, who, who, unnoticeably sticking out a tongue the colour of liver sausage, was placing two carnations on her coffin. But suddenly, already close by the ground itself, Tanya’s drop slowed down, and she, almost not experiencing experiencing pain, pounced with her side upon something something soft, having come down deeply in it. Next to her, the double bass had fallen, discontentedly humming with the strings, and the bow floated like a flickering thin line. Irresolutely looking around, Tanya saw that she was sitting in the body of a truck standing by a traffic light. It was filled to the edge with black bags of fallen leaves, which they were transporting for the city... She was being transported. Although was it possible to call this luck? “A safe safety ty net net spel spelll will will not not be able able to prev preven entt a drop drop,, but but it will will soft soften en its its consequences,” she recalled the line from the magic book. *** The incident with the dark shadow attempting to kill her spoilt Tanya’s mood for a long time. There was no doubt — she had an enemy in the magic world and the enemy was powerful. She immediately recollected the dream of Uncle Herman, the theft of the gold sword, and the evasive words of the academician warning her about danger. Everything took place so swiftly in the air that Tanya was never able to understand to whom the furious yellow eye belonged. To a bird? Well, was it a bird? Tanya no longer dared to fly, although the air beckoned her. Now and then she wanted terribly to sit down again on the double bass and cry: “Speedus envenomus!” — but the recollection was still too fresh. It is not worthwhile to tempt fate a second time. The most that Tanya would allow herself was, in the middle of the night to take off above the balcony and fly several times around the house at a low altitude, using the slowest and safest spell “Pilotus kamikazis.” The magic double bass barely dragged along on this spell. In general it was not necessary to speak of any acrobatic manoeuvres: the strings of the the doubl doublee bass bass imme immedi diat ately ely bega began n to hum indi indign gnant antly ly.. Tanya anya so felt felt an urge urge to accelerate, but... she did not permit herself. Instead she repeatedly practiced the braking spell “Bangus parachutis.” Right after her utterance it was necessary to point with the bow to where she wanted to land. The instrument first hovered motionlessly above this place, and then slowly and reliably it began to descend until the feet touched the ground. True, there was an even speedier braking spell “Bangus parachutis forte,” but it was extremely inconvenient, since the double bass immediately broke through into an air pocket, fell down like a rock, and just as abruptly froze a several centimetres from the ground. At the same time, Tanya had the sensation every time that her interior remained somewhere in the air and now would tumble directly onto her head. The Durnevs no longer caused Tanya any trouble — they now had their own problems piling up. After that incident with the Reference the Reference Book of White Magician Pipa’s hair was glued together so hard that there was no possibility whatever to comb it out. The head was as if frozen in a glass helmet, which, when they tapped on it with a pencil, emitted a “tum-tum” sound. There was nothing to be done, it was necessary to take Pipa to the hairdresser and, in spite of all protests, to give her head a close shave. With the shaved


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head, with the multicoloured pimples of different sizes, shining like lamps on the New Year tree, the daughter of Uncle Herman looked so nightmarishly that Tanya now and then even began to pity her. However, Lenka Mumrikova had considerably less luck. For two days she did not go to school at all, and then she appeared in a glove and did not take it off during all her classes. Tanya could conclude from this that Mumrikova could do nothing with the fur on the hand. For whatever reason not entirely clear to Tanya neither Pipa nor Lenka told anyone about the mysterious reference book. Both looked askance at Tanya from a distance with hatred; however, they were afraid to approach her. At night Pipa sneaked to the balcony and, trembling from fear, shut all the latches, and placed a hammer near her bed. As far as Genka Bulonov was concerned, now the only thing he did was to be under foot foot near near Tanya. anya. Good Good thoug though h that that he kept kept sile silent nt at the the same same time time,, only only winke winked d mysteriously as if hinting at a common secret. Moreover, sometimes for a bigger mystery he winked both eyes quickly. But really what was Bulonov to Tanya Tanya now? And here finally came the morning of that day itself, when Bab-Yagun was to come flying. The long-awaited morning of o f the long-awaited day d ay.. For breakfast Aunt Ninel was so not herself that she did not even begin to feed Tanya kasha, which the dachshund refused, but gave the the day-before-yesterday semolina kasha, same omelette as Pipa’s. Pipa’s. Already at the end o f breakfast a greenish-yellow Uncle Herman appeared in the kitchen, silently drank tea and, not looking at anyone, went out. When he left the kitchen, Tanya accidentally noticed that his right pocket was bulging slightly and there stuck out the top of a carrot, which Uncle Herman embarrassingly tried to cover with a hand. “And why is Uncle Herman not in the Duma today? He has elections soon!” Tanya wondered. Aunt Ninel grew red and set on her with fury. fury. “WHAT? “WHAT? What did you say?” She growled. “I simply asked why he’s not at work. But you don’t have to answer if you don’t know,” Tanya Tanya was confused. But Aunt Ninel obviously already considered considered that nevertheless nevertheless the truth would not be hidden. She took herself in hand and even smiled timidly, apologizing with the smile of a lion that had recently bitten off the head of its trainer. “Eh“Eh-eh. eh... .. why not? not? Yeste esterda rday y at the the counc council il sess sessio ion n Uncl Unclee Herm Herman an.. .... eh-e eh-eh.. h.... accidentally broke the microphone. They sent him... eh-eh... to the hospital.” “They sent him to the hospital because he broke a microphone?” Tanya was astonished. Aunt Ninel was clearly holding something back. “What, don’t you understand Russian? Well, march to do your lessons! And you only try to talk about this in school!” Finally losing patience, Aunt Ninel began to yell. “To talk about what? That he’s in the hospital? Or that he broke the microphone?” Tanya did not understand. “O-U-T!” Aunt Ninel shouted. Tanya flew out like a cork into the room and bumped into Pipa there. Pipa quickly darted away from horror behind the armchair. “What’s with Uncle Herman there? Crack, or I’ll cast a spell!” Tanya asked severely and, using Pipa’s fright, took aim at her with a finger. Pipa squealed, not taking her eyes


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off the finger. Now it was possible to frighten her with any nonsense. And yet Tanya so far knew not a single spell except those connected with flight. “A-a! Don’t, Don’t, I’ll talk...” the daughter daughter of Uncle Herman squeaked. “Really you don’t know that papa, during the pre-election appearance, gnawed through the cord of the microphone, and then snacked on a folder for papers. And all this was within sight of hundreds hundreds of people... people... And later... later... he ran up to and jumped over the old man to whom he intended to present an almost new sweater. And it’s all because some idiot in the hall accidentally took a carrot from his pocket... Such people should be shot. And now mama fears that he will lose the election.” “Here’s “Here’s to you and Lisper the Rabbit!” Tanya thought with admiration. Yes, she definitely began to like Uncle Herman. Pity even flew out from this to Uncle Herman. Now an outstanding method was known to Tanya, how to twist his brain and win his confidence. It sufficed only to treat him with carrots. Chapter 7 Tibidox

It seemed to Tanya that this evening Pipa would never lie down. She walked along the room and pensively kicked the toys, occasionally throwing dissatisfied glances at the balcony. On Pipa’s head was a stupid pink plastic cap with flowers, which she wore without taking off since that well-known time. When Tanya finally lost patience and was already pondering whether to fling at Pipa a drowsy spell or simply anything heavy, Pipa settled herself down and soon, turning to the wall, started to wheeze through both b oth holes. The night crept little by little to the city. The windows went out like candles shot by a keen marksman at a shooting-range and late dog-catchers disappeared in the entrances. And here, when everything already quieted down and the city was under a black veil of gloom, Tanya heard some rustling outside. Throwing open the window, she saw how on the lawn under the balcony two red pieces of coal suddenly caught fire, and in several seconds quickly even six of them. The pieces of coal flared up one after another. Obscure mutt mutter erin ing, g, puff puffin ing, g, whee wheezi zing ng was was hear heard. d. Some Someth thin ing g rust rustle led, d, some someth thin ing g bare barely ly distinguished moved rapidly along the flower-bed. When Tanya’s eyes got used to the darkness, she understood that many creatures of the most varied sizes were swarming below. Some were quite small, others large, about the size of a dog. The dark spots appeared from everywhere, climbed from all slots, from all hatchways. Red malicious pieces of coal lit up in the most unpredictable places. Their placements were so far chaotic, but with each minute everything became more sensible. They were definitely moving to the balcony balcon y. Soon the entire lawn had ha d already become a dark swarming carpet. Tanya anya starte started d to feel feel uneasy uneasy.. She was almost almost certain certain that that these these unknown unknown beings beings appeared here with a well-define well-defined d purpose, purpose, somehow somehow connected connected with her. And, judging by the look of them, there was clearly no need to wait for anything good from them. “If they start to climb — I’ll still have time to jump on the double bass,” she calmed herself. Suddenly the door creaked. Aunt Ninel entered the room, fixed the blanket on Pipa, and then, glancing at the balcony, suspiciously asked: “Who are you spying on there?”


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At a loss, Tanya muttered something. But Aunt Ninel obviously posed the question without any desire to receive an answer. She clearly did not intend to look out the window. Instead she stared attentively at the sweater which Tanya had time to put on already, already, getting ready for the night flight. “You’re cold, perhaps?” As if deciding on something, she asked. “Okay, let’s take the blanket and march into the living room!” It hit the back of Tanya’s head like a thunderbolt. And Aunt Ninel managed to show generosity precisely now when she already almost flew away to Tibidox! Still one night on the balcony! But there was no changing the mind of Aunt Ninel — she pressed like a bulldozer. Grabbing Tanya by the hand, Aunt Ninel dragged her into the living room, where, by the enormous television set occupying a third of the wall, stood a tiny sofa under which the dachshund usually slept. “And don’t take it upon yourself to return to the balcony! Now you’ll sleep here till the bo... For the time being Uncle Herman and I have not decided what to do with you yet,” Aunt Ninel corrected herself, probably remembering the boot camp for children with criminal inclinations. Aunt Ninel left. A key clicked in the door of Pipa’s Pipa’s room. Obviously Pipa, woken up by the bass of her mama, decided to be ensured and now on no account would open it. Tanya understood that she was fated to spend the night in the living room. The flying double bass and the book of spells remained on the balcony. And Bab-Yagun would soon come flying there. Tanya jumped from the sofa in order to run up to the window and, when he appeared, to draw his attention, but the dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres began to roar blindly from under the sofa. “What are you doing there? And lie down quickly! Remember, I’ll not sleep tonight! I’ll be placing compresses on Uncle Herman’s forehead! Tomorrow he has an important interview on TV, and he has to get rid of all the gibberish from his head!” Aunt Ninel shouted shouted sternly sternly from behind the door. door. Her bedroom was right beside and she could hear any rustle. Tanya sat down on the sofa. Her heart was pounding in her. How would she be able to get up when under the sofa she had a sensitive dachshund and behind the wall an evil aunt? What could be worse than her present situation when freedom was beside her but unattainable? Still, twice Tanya Tanya attempted to sneak to the window, but each time the dachshund began to growl maliciously and Aunt Ninel hailed her sternly from behind the wall. Likely she actually did not sleep: from time to time was heard the sound of gauze being wround out for a compress. The rustling became quite discernible. Now the source of the sound was not only beyond the window but also everywhere. Something was scraping behind the wall, scratching behind the cabinet. Even the pipes in the bathroom were humming unusually somehow, as if someone was making his way up in them. It seemed to Tanya that thousands of hardly audible voices in various ways were repeating one and the same phrase: “Grotter’s daughter! Grotter’s daughter! Death to he r!” Strange that Aunt Ninel with her sensitive hearing heard nothing. “Why are you playing there? Well, lie down quietly! Uncle Herman cannot fall asleep!” She bellowed from behind the wall. In her voice was definite malicious joy. Really she knew? Although no, she could not know. Tanya found herself in a trap. All took up arms against her he r.


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Unexpectedly, somewhere beyond the window, from the side of the balcony, a familiar semi-cough was heard. Tanya shuddered. Someone weakly but distinctly knocked on the frame. Really Bab-Yagun? But, what if, not finding her on the balcony, he decided that Tanya thought it over or, on the contrary, already flew away? The girl wanted to dash to the window, but she remembered suddenly that the dachshund would give her away before she could jump up, and Aunt Ninel would immediately appear from the adjacent room. The pipes began to drone and suddenly they stopped. Almost immediately the door in the hallway from the direction of the bathroom began to shake lightly as if someone pushed and scratched it from below. The dachshund began to growl. It also heard. So, it did not just seem to her, and it was all true. “Again you’re tossing and turning? And what is this? Thankless trash... What, you want to sleep on the staircase?” Aunt Ninel snarled from the bedroom. Tanya felt — another second, and she would put her hands up to her ears and begin to scream: “A-a-a-a!” Her nerves were already at the breaking point. Suddenly something cool slid down from her finger. The ring! All this time she had on the magic ring! Tanya began hurriedly to feel the fold of the blanket, searching for it. The door shook slightly, someone wheezed behind it. The dachshund maliciously seethed from under the bed. But here her fingers groped something... The ring... Tanya in a hurry put it on and began to recall the drowsy spell which Bab-Yagun used. And why did she not repeat it? “Harpus? Wheezus? Dotus snorus? Pillowis sleepus?” Not that! Again not that! “Disgr “Disgrace! ace! I literal literally ly redden redden!! I was never in the possessio possession n of such such a blockhe blockhead ad before before!” !” The ring said said loudly loudly.. “Reall “Really y not possib possible le to memori memorize ze two of the simple simplest st words? Pointus words? Pointus harpoonus!” harpoonus!” “Hey! I’m coming out! You hear? Who allowed you to turn on the TV!” Aunt Ninel began to roar from the bedroom. Her rock heels began to thud furiously along the carpet, making their way to the door. Without a moment’s hesitation, Tanya hurriedly waved her hand and, directing the finge fingerr with with the the ring ring in the the dire direct ctio ion n from from wher wheree the the step stepss were were appr approa oachi ching, ng, she she whispered: “ Pointus harpoonus!” harpoonus!” A green spark slid to the keyhole. Behind the door the dull sound of a falling bod y was heard. Simultaneously the rustling in the hallway seemingly quieted down. The footfall of many small feet running away was heard. “It seems they’re afraid of magic. They understood that I have a ring,” thought Tanya. Tanya. Boldly throwing open the door into the bedroom, she saw that Aunt Ninel, childishly smacking her lips as if in search of nipples, deafeningly snoring directly on the floor, and on the bed with a compress on his forehead Uncle Herman was tracing high roulades. The loud barking of the dachshund already could not wake them. Catching the dachshund, Tanya decisively shoved the dog that had completely lost its head into the wardrobe of Aunt Ninel and, taking a lipstick from the dresser, wrote in large-scale on the mirror: Stay happy! My old tights and jeans you can give to whom you like! Regards to Lisper the Rabbit! P.S. Dachshund is in the wardrobe. Dropping the lipstick, Tanya ran up to the window and threw it open. Exactly, someone was waiting in the air in her balcony, but was it Bab-Yagun? The cast disappeared, the bandages disappeared, the clumsy bed disappeared. On a merrily purring orange vacuum, clutching in his hands a bright pipe with a wide brush usually used for cleaning carpets,


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sat a stocky boy of about twelve, dressed in leather overalls. His short bright hair stuck out like a disobedient hedgehog, cheeks beamed with a bloom, and the nose outlined like a potato was so upturned that it seemed its holes were looking in the same direction as the eyes. The moon, emerging emerging from under the neighbouring neighbouring roof, was shining through his protruding ears, ruby, like bits of glass in a stained-glass panel. Where did the boy come from and why did he come flying instead of Bab-Yagun? Or... or is this this him? him? Tanya anya sudd suddenl enly y thoug thought ht that that whil whilee the the face face was was hidd hidden en under under the the bandages, she had not the slightest idea about the true age of Bab-Yagun. But then why did Sardanapal send a boy almost her contemporary for her? Noticing Tanya, the boy, clearly showing off, deftly moved the pipe from one hand to the other and directed it downward. Immediately the vacuum darted away from the place so swiftly that it was hardly possible to keep track of it. An instant — and here he was already hanging in the air directly opposite the window. In the same second something small small and malici malicious ous with with a shrill shrill chirp flew flew over the window windowsil sill. l. A leathe leathery ry wing wing flickered. Something prompted Tanya that this was not a bat. Bab-Yagun followed with lightning from the ring, but the essence deftly dodged and answered with a short jet of luminous lilac liquid. Several drops fell on the windowsill and it began to smoke. “Oh, “Oh, my grann granny y mama mama!! I thou thought ght they they had alre already ady devou devoure red d you! you!”” BabBab-Y Yagun agun exclaimed with relief, nodding to the lawn, where dark shadows and silhouettes were still swarming constantly. Now there were so many of them that it seemed as if an enormous anthil anthilll piled piled up under under the balcony balcony.. Figur Figures es were were crawli crawling ng over over, wheezi wheezing, ng, pushin pushing, g, stepping on one another ’s head. Their pupils flared up like red coals. “What are they?” the y?” Tanya Tanya asked with horror. “Yes, the evil spirits,” Bab-Yagun dropped carelessly. “Someone put an attraction spell on the hatchways here in the neighbourhood. I immediately understood this when I saw how many are browsing here. And now the evil spirits from all over the city are gathering here! Now they are simply crowding, but when there will be even more, it will be possible possible to expect something something interesti interesting... ng... I already summoned summoned Slander Slander Slanderych Slanderych and his guys. Soon they will clear everything here.” “How will they clear?” “Without ceremony. They’ll lift the spell and round up Devour or Blue Uncle. For support. The evil spirits, hardly seeing them, will immediately scatter. By the way, we also better fly away. Not sure that you’ll be happy if you catch sight of Devour or Blue Uncle. Took me about three months to get used to them. And even now and then meeting them somewhere, especially at night... Brr!” “And what, they’re so?” Tanya started. “Exactly. They’re so. Just that my granny says in reality Devour and Blue Uncle are still nothing, but here it’s it’s actually better not to be involved with Eyeless Horror. Only that Horror, he’s he’s on the side of the ‘dark’ magicians, so that they don’t normally take him with them,” them,” Bab-Y Bab-Yagun broke broke off off decisiv decisively ely and, catchi catching ng Tanya, anya, transf transferr erred ed her to the balcony. balcony. “W “Well, ell, how’re things? things? Learnt the spells?” spells?” He asked indulgently, indulgently, watching watching as Tanya got the double bass and got up on its case. “And what will you fly on? Certainly, Pilotus kamikazis! Well, it’s correct. Girls rarely venture on anything faster, especially in the beginning. A woman in the air is like a cow on ice. Fly at my tail and, the most important thing, don’t look down. If it’s quite terrible, I can also take you in tow. I have some oho-ho vacuum! A beast!”


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Bab-Yagun lovingly slapped his hand on the pipe. It seems he was crazy about his new flying mechanism. kamikazis? Tanya squinted slightly. So, to fly in the tail, on top of that, also, on Pilotus kamikazis? She’s this cow on ice? Without answering, the girl checked whether the case was well shut, earlier she even placed the Reference the Reference Book of White Magician in it. “And don’t forget to be insured...” Puffed up with responsibility, Bab-Yagun laid down the law. “Speedus envenomus,” envenomus,” whispered Tanya, tapping the bow and with light movement twirling it between her fingers. The ring shot out a green spark. The double bass, exactly like a fast comet, darted away from the place. The wind howled and began to whistle in her ears. In the blink of an eye the the dorma dormant nt inst instru rume ment nt gain gained ed alti altitu tude de.. The outl outlin ines es of house housess blur blurre red, d, only only the the illuminated highway looped below like a golden snake. When Tanya finally looked around, the house of Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel was already barely visible. visible. From this point of view it resembled a low night table pressed to the ground. She would always remember it as such. On the madly roaring vacuum a reddened redde ned Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun overtook Tanya. “You... what are you thinking?” He shouted, observing, as Tanya went out to a steep turn with a half-roll. “You... you either went nuts or... What spell did you say? It was said to you in Russian: keep to the tail. Or shall I tweak you ears?” “You? “You? Me? First you have to catch me!” Tanya Tanya proposed. Bab-Yagun stared at her with the look of a boxer to whom a three-year-old girl approached with the question: que stion: “Unk, you want it in the nose?” “You don’t know whom you’re dealing with,” he said haughtily with clenched teeth. “Really you think to pass me on this ancient couch? On this puffed up overgrown violin?” “According to me, better an overgrown violin than a flying broom,” Tanya retorted. Growing red from the insult to his h is vacuum, Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun hissed: “A flying broom? Is that so?” And, firmly pressing the hose with his feet, he let out a green spark from the ring. The blizzard shot out from the pipe flung the double bass together with Tanya far away to the the side side and and BabBab-Y Yagun agun hims himsel elff almo almost st imme immedi diat atel ely y beca became me a tiny tiny,, almo almost st indistinguishable speck. “Well let’s! Prove that you’re not an overgrown violin!” Tanya said to the double bass and, aiming the bow after Bab-Yagun, she rushed to catch up. The head wind strove to pluck her from the instrument. The strings hummed lowly, but she, bending down to the double bass, persistently raced right after. For a while it seemed to her that she lost BabYagun, but then the distance gradually began to shorten. Five minutes of the mad race had not even passed when she already came up to him. He turned his head and, seeing that Tanya Tanya was beside him, from amazement ran through a sharp side gust. The double bass, which also fell into it, was blown upon and twice turned on the spot, but Tanya knew how to hold it with the help of the bow. Then BabYagun, who was not ready for this, had the last elbow with the brush, where basic magic was apparently also concentrated, tore away from his pipe. The vacuum, losing control, rushed down with the roar of a bomber being hit. Bab-Yagun, doing somersaults, fell together with it, attempting in flight to mutter the safety spell, which he was too lazy or simply did not consider it necessary to utter before.


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But in the drop his ring for some reason did not operate as it should, and red instead of green sparks poured from the ring. From these red “dark magic” sparks the spell was dist distor orte ted d and and led led to the the most most unpr unpredi edict ctabl ablee resu result lts. s. Firs Firstt the the bulb bulb on the the vacuu vacuum m exploded, and instead of them the ears of the same Bab-Yagun began to twinkle in the darkness, then from somewhere poured thick and fast frog feet with cigars clutched in them and jaws with dentures. Tanya, speeding up to Bab-Yagun, wanted him to grab hold of her double bass, but the stocky boy, boy, having escaped, bellowed out something. “My seven-hundredth series vacuum! I saved up for three years! Catch the pipe!” Tanya tried to make out and, directing the bow downward, gave chase to the falling pipe elbow. The wind beat her in the face, blinded her, her eyes watered, darkness interfered with correctly estimating the distance to the ground, and the double bass sped up so that it could no longer get out from the dive at all. Overtaking Overtaking the elbow, elbow, Tanya Tanya caught it in the second attempt — more precisely, precisely, the elbow, turning, first dealt her a blow on the forehead, and then jumped by itself into her hand — and, with difficulty difficulty straightening straightening the instrument, instrument, sent it upward upward like a candle. Gripping Bab-Yagun’s shoulder, Tanya slowed down his fall, until finally some dozen metres from the ground he was able to repair the pipe. Starting to drone, the vacuum shot upward into the sky. Both of them could not recover their breath for a long time. Finally Bab-Yagun glanced at her already without any disdain and shouted rapturously: “I was sure: not one girl is capable of the like! Hey, admit it, indeed you could do this earlier?” Tanya shyly shrugged her shoulders. She herself plainly did not know this. Although she sat down on the double bass for the first time five days ago, now and then it seemed to her that she had flown long ago, very long ago. From somewhere it was known her what needed to be done. “If Nightingale doesn’t take you into the team, it means, he indeed plays up to the ‘dark’ as he has been accused of. You’re simply born for dragonball... If, of course, at the sight of a dragon your knees don’t begin to shake. Such happens with some, especially when they will be swall swallowe owed d severa severall times, times,”” Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n reason reasoned. ed. Then he again again thoughtfully looked sideways at Tanya and, fighting with the wind, shouted: “And here’s what... From now on, I’ll be your friend forever, if you, of course, want me. If someone there in Tibidox dares to call your double bass ‘an overgrown violin’ or insult you in general, I’ll force him to chew up u p all the servicing rubbish from his vacuum!” And Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun stretched a hand out to her. “No, it’s not Genka Bulonov! And not Pipa’s mysterious G.P.!” Tanya thought and she stretched hers out to him — the one which was holding the neck. At the same time a gust of wind almost knocked her from the double bass, but Tanya did not pay this any special attention. True friendship, like true love, always demands sacrifice. Soon the double bass and the jet vacuum rose high into the sky and, merging with a dense dense highhigh-sp spee eed d airf airflo low w, were were carr carrie ied d to the the sout southw hwes est. t. Ther Theree were were alre already ady no conversations now — the slow and regular ceaseless rumble solidly blocked up the ears. It was necessary necessary to fly almost on her stomach, stomach, clutching the double bass with her hands because the wind was such that, it seemed, if her head was sufficiently carelessly raised and torn off by the wind, it would be carried away, the ears sadly flapping.


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Tanya did not grasp at what moment the ocean showed itself below. Its lead surface, flicker flickering ing in the breaks breaks between between the bluish bluish-vi -viole olett clouds clouds,, resembl resembled ed fragme fragments nts of a geographical map cut out by scissors. And they were flying and flying all the time, and, it seemed there would be no end to this. It was already dawn when Bab-Yagun suddenly shot a green spark from the ring and directed the vacuum downward, leaving the airflow. “Tibidox there below, but you’ll not get there without the spell of passage. You haven’t forg forgot otte ten n it?” it?” Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n shout shouted ed when when they they slow slowed ed down down so that that it was was easy easy to distinguish the separate swells boiling up on the agitated body of the ocean. Tanya recalled the lines of the Reference Book : The spell of passage with its entire simplicity is a spell of the highest magic. With the utterance of the spell it is necessary to be absol absolut utel elyy confi confide dent nt that that the the pass passage age come comess to be by full full right right.. Other Otherwi wise se the the consciousness and the body can separate: the body will be transferred, the consciousness will remain in the previous world. In the language of the moronoids this state is usually called death. “Well, “W ell, indeed it’ll really be the end for me!” Tanya thought. Her skin was covered with goose bumps from fear. If she continued to slow down, then it was only for the reason that she did not want to return to Uncle Herman for anything an ything in the world. “Ready? Time!” Suddenly Bab-Yagun screamed out, and, not allowing herself to be frightened even more, Tanya quickly raised her hand with the ring and exclaimed: “Grail Gardarika!” She was shaken, had started turning, was pricked by millions of small sparks. She was smashed into pieces and gathered again. For a moment it seemed to Tanya that she was galloping through the endlessly narrow middle of an hourglass. And then below in the rays of the ascending sun a large island appeared from oceanic foam painted with pink arrows. A swamp occupied a fourth of the island, another third — a forest. Along the narrow sand spit towered split cliffs, against which, likely, broke not than a thousand gale swells. “Holy, I’m alive! It’s, of course, by mistake. But there’s no Uncle Herman here, it’s true,” Tanya decided. In the middle of the island, extraordinarily squat and flat, something like an inverted greyish basin with towers, galleries, and passages stuck in the most unexpected places, surrounded by a ditch with boiling lava, spanned the largest fortress of all those which Tanya sometimes had the occasion to see even in movies. Even the Moscow Kremlin was clearly smaller. smaller. Here before them stretched an entire city under one roof. Along the wall with a gloomy look strolled a three-metre cyclops, red fur grew on the chest and even the back. In the middle of the forehead the cyclops had an enormous golden eye turning in orbit, and a wart the size of a soup plate decorated the nose. He gloomily yawned and occasionally, in order to not fall asleep, he tapped on the ground with the pole of a serrated poleaxe. A fiery inscription vividly burnt above the main gates of the fortress: TIBI TIBIDO DOX X — SCH SCHOO OOL L OF MA MAGI GIC C FOR FOR DIFF DIFFIC ICUL ULT T-TO-TO-RA RAIS ISE E YOUN YOUNG G MAGICIANS. WHITE AND BLACK DEPARTMENTS. DEPARTMENTS. It was necessary for Tanya to re-read this inscription three times before the meaning reached her. Well, Well, she did it!


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“Oh, Pipa would be glad! I got precisely to where she wanted. Only with a small difference, difference,”” she said to herself. herself. But there was already no turning turning back nevertheless nevertheless,, and she decided not to rush with conclusions. Bab-Yagun touched her hand and by a gesture showed that they should fly around Tibidox from the other side, not catching the eyes (more precisely, eye) of the cyclops. They noiselessly slid in the air along the embrasures and dived for the turn of the wall. “Ooh, slipped through!” Bab-Yagun let out a breath. “We call him Dumpling Maker. Good that he did not see us... It’s that same one Odysseus blinded.” “But he sees!” “Uh-huh! Sardanapal put on him an eye from a witch who was so full of them she even did not know what to do with them, and placed him here to guard. Only the eye turned out to be bad. If he blinks so, the colour will change and around him everything will turn, then that’s it — a curse has been placed, and such that immediately you put on white slippers. Even my granny also cannot remove it. Dumpling Maker even has Coffin Lid, like a hanky for him, but for us downright a whole sheet... As it will sneak off, it starts to fly along the fortress. Also a nasty piece to stumble across. It’ll go for the head and smother.” “And how will we get inside if not through the gates? Perhaps through an embrasure?” Tanya proposed. “Two “Two black magic spells have been put on the embrasures. They work better than white. Slander Slanderych did it himself. Also on the garrets. So that it’s useless to butt in — even a fly cannot slip in. It would be, of course, through the gates, they for sure warned Dumpling Maker, and indeed I don’t painfully love him. And he cannot stand me after an inci inciden dentt — he’l he’lll stil stilll drop drop quick quick glanc glances es and give give the the evil evil eye,” eye,” BabBab-Y Yagun agun said said cautiously. “So what do we do?” Tanya asked, pondering what the incident was. Bab-Yagun started to wheeze with the most mysterious look. His protruding ears began to shine victoriously. “Yes, so... There is one ancient hole... My granny showed it to me secretly when Dumpling Maker was going for me. Only let’s let’s agree quickly — not a word to Slander! Or to Sardanapal, and generally to no one, or they’ll shield it, you swear?” “I swear,” said Tanya. “Well, look... You swore, and it’s not a joke with magic oaths! Or then it can be ohoho!” Bab-Yagun said mysteriously. The enormous wall along which they were flying was built of crumbled, colossal size boulders, it was even terrifying to look at them. It all produced an oppressive impression on Tanya. Bab-Yagun flew up to a place in the wall where it closed in on a massive black tower, and, finding a small, hardly perceptible crack, he whispered into it: Openus!” “Openus!” The huge boulder twitched with a light haze. It became dark-blue, then brown, and finally pale yellow. And at this moment Bab-Yagun decisively flew on the vacuum straight through the stone, turning up on the other side. Tanya was going to poke in immediately, but the boulder already darkened again, and she only bumped her forehead painfully against it. Biding her time for a bit an d making sure that the stone did d id not intend to let her past, she recalled the magic word and whispered: “Openus!” The stone again began to turn blue, and here it was already pale yellow. Hurrying before it faded, Tanya,


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with her eyes closed, again directed the double bass toward it. She expected a blow, but, as also with the passage earlier, only tiny sparks like the wind pricked her — and here she was already standing in a dark passage next to Bab-Yagun. “Why so long?” long?” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun was interested, interested, taking away her double bass. “You’ll “You’ll not fly in Tibidox. Here all flight spells are blocked, and also even some others. For the time being I’ll hide this piece, and you go up and look for the office of Sardanapal. He’s waiting for you. I would go with you, but someone will see our instruments and will ponder how we got here. Now they must sooner be stored out of sight.” “And I’ll find the office?” Tanya Tanya was at a loss. “You’ll “You’ll find it... And here’s another thing — don’t be afraid of ghosts. Full of them here — indeed you’re in their tower,” Bab-Yagun said mysteriously and darted downward along the stairs, bent under the weight of the vacuum and the case with the double bass. Chapter 8 Tower of Ghosts

Left alone, Tanya carefully looked around. She was standing on a narrow landing between two stairways: one of them, covered with a red strip of carpet, rose upward, the other, along which Bab-Yagun ran, went downward. Behind her back from the direction of the the deaf deaf wall wall thro throug ugh h whic which h they they found found them themse selv lves es here, here, some someth thin ing g clan clanked ked unpleasantly. Abruptly turning around, Tanya saw a rusty two-handed sword riveted to the wall by a chain from which it was now swinging, and next to it a round shield polished to lustre. Glancing into it, Tanya almost yelled. In the shield she spotted her reflection, reflection, only without the head, which, clearly in a chopped off form, was lying at her feet. The shield began to ring scornfully, and the sword rushed at her neck, but, hanging by the chain and not being ale to reach her, was maliciously swinging and rusting from vexation before her eyes. “Well, “W ell, stay!” Tanya Tanya said in a trembling voice and began to climb up the stairs. The red strip of carpet runner slightly shook intermittently under her feet. Moans, an idiotic neigh, slapping of cards, a cat meow reached her from below. However, this was stil stilll beara bearabl ble, e, but on the the other other hand hand quit quitee insu insuff ffer erabl ablee was was the the tric trick k of two two black black headstones adorning the next landing, on the approach of the girl both at once reflected Tanya Grotter in a shaky Gothic type. Tanya felt dryness in her mouth. For the second secon d time already they heralded death to her. her. “Well okay! Two headstones are too many for one person,” she said and, energetically shaking her hand, shot an entire shaft of green sparks at the headstones. The letters started to ripple from annoyance and began to jump, shifting places. Hey, what’s what’s with you? The first headstone reflected. We’re always so firmly attached! The second explained. “For such jokes there are open spaces in the stones!” Tanya muttered. “Better tell me please, where’s the office of Sardanapal?” Ahead, was written on the first headstone. If you don’t die along the way, added the second. Tanya twirled a finger at her temple. The headstones lay on the landing of the middle storey of the tower. A long corridor, straight like an arrow, supported by high arches, stretched into the depth of the fortress.


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Through semicircular stained-glass windows the sunlight broke through, splitting up into bright spots. Tanya Tanya took several undecided steps. Unexpec Unexpected tedly ly a strange strange champing champing sound sound was heard under under her feet. On the floor appeared first a head, then a chest, and then from there emerged a dark-complexioned young person with a dove-coloured nose and in an unbuttoned infantry tunic. Cold and dampness blew from the ghost. The opposite wall vaguely showed through his chest. Tanya jumped aside. If she did not do this, the phantom would pass right through her. He intended to do this, but, becoming interested, stopped and began to examine the girl. “Oh, a charmer! A newbie in Tibidox!” He exclaimed in a crackling voice. “And for what, interestingly, did they put you here? Let me guess. Probably magnetized a purse with a glance like those gypsy sisters? Or you’re that person who froze her math teacher? So she must — and so block by block. Let her stay for a bit as Snow Maiden! Again no? Then accidentally burnt with a look the class diary for company and the teacher? Turned grandpa into a zombie for not buying you a bike? Changed candy wrappers into money? Pushed alcoholic papa into the vodka bottle? No?” Unexpectedly the dull gaze of the spectre stopped at the tip of Tanya’s nose. His face stretched and rippled. “Hullo! What do I see? Really you’re that same one?” He e xclaimed. “What ‘that same one’? I — It’s me. Tanya Tanya Grotter. Daughter of Leopold Grotter.” The ghost grunted with laughter. He quickly stretched out his hand and before the girl had time to move away, flicked her nose with a finger. It seemed to Tanya that a jet of musty icy air was directed toward her birthmark. “Mille pardon, poor lamb. I simply confirmed whether your birthmark is real. Yes, you’re really Grotter... I don’t believe my eyes! It was extremely foolish on the part of Sardana Sardanapal pal to bring bring you here precisel precisely y now... now... If he only — ha-ha! ha-ha! — did not want to enlarge his collection of poltergeists...” “What are you talking about?” Tanya did not understand. But the spectre did not begin to explain. He suddenly burst out laughing, and so that his face floated somewhere. “I’ll go tell everyone that I saw the very Tanya Grotter. Grotter. I’ll make my friends happy,” he stated, deftly catching the nose slipping away. “By the way, I have a little request, mille pardon. Will you scratch my back?” The ghost turned his back. Tanya covered her mouth with a hand in order to not scream. Not less than twelve knives stuck out from his back. “So, you’ll not scratch? And you’ll not adjust a dagger?” The phantom asked, turning his head at an angle unthinkable for a living person. Not waiting for an answer, he began to neigh foolishly and quickly floated away into one of the offshoots of the hallway, loudly calling: “Hey everybody! Want a joke? You know whom Sardanapal dragged in? Here’s Tanya Grotter!” Deciding that she had had enough contact with ghosts for the time being, Tanya threw herself into a run. Marble statues began to jump into niches, the carpet started to go under her feet. In the central corridor there turned out a set of side stairs, paths, tight holes, and iron iron lattic lattices, es, beyond beyond which which were were clearl clearly y secret secret passag passages es or, or, at the worst, worst, desert deserted ed dungeons. A hard frost blew from one passage, from another damp fall leaves were flung into into her face, face, from from the third third breath breathed ed intens intensee desert desert heat. heat. From From somewh somewhere ere vague vague


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shadows floated out — first a sad lady in an impossible violet hat, then an unpleasant old man with a wrinkled and flabby face, similar to a blown off sphere. Already convinced that she had long strayed from the path, Tanya rushed along the corridor corridor,, dreaming only about one thing — to find a quiet place. She was about to poke into some passage, but in the darkness tires rustled, and a Wheelchair was rolling out towards her. Over the Wheelchair was thrown a dark-blue plaid rug, which stirred in a way as if someone was hiding under it. Having jumped again into the main corridor, Tanya rushed to run past the cacti sadly blinking human eyes and an enormous crystal coffin quietly swinging on silver chains stretc stretched hed between between two attrac attractiv tivee overhang overhangs. s. Inside Inside the coffin coffin was empty empty,, and only only directly along the centre laid a long broom with a label attached: “Broom G.P. full size.” Tanya had neither the time nor the possibility to examine the broom. The Wheelchair with the hooting invisible being was maliciously dogging her steps. It already a lready literally ran into Tanya’s heels and for sure would run her down if the hallway did not begin to suddenl suddenly y turn turn steeply steeply,, follow following ing the whimsi whimsical cal archit architect ecture ure of Tibidox. ibidox. Here Here the Wheelchair started to swerve and fell slightly behind. Having jumping behind the turn, Tanya found herself by an enormous double door, on which were traced two gold sphinxes sleeping. The girl’s thought did not have time to flicker whether this was the door which she was searching for, when above the entrance immediately started to shimmer dazzling fiery letters: Oh yes! You’re not mistaken! Before you the small modest office of the laureate of the the Magi Magicc Su Suspe spend nders ers Award, ward, lifelife-po post sthu humo mous us head head of the the schoo schooll of Tibid ibidox, ox, academician of white magic Sardanapal Chernomorov. Fearfully listening to the hooting of the phantom and the rustle of the Wheelchair, Tanya began to drum on the door. Both sphinxes at once awoke and started to prepare for a leap. But here the door was thrown open, and the life-posthumous head of Tibidox appear appeared ed like like a plum plump p duck duck to meet meet her. her. The fragr fragrant ant bear beard, d, firs firstt appea appeari ring ng then then disappearing, majestically lay on his chest. Both whisker-insurgents were firmly tucked behind the ears and tied in a knot at the back of the head. “It’s “It’s chasing me! Wheelchair!” Tanya shouted. Academician Academician smiled soothingly soothingly and, getting getting up to the middle middle of the hallway hallway,, began to wait for the approach of Wheelchair. Several seconds later it darted out from behind the turn and was going to rush forward, but, noticing in its way the stern academician, in a cowardly manner it shied to the side. The invisible being grunted fearfully and, like a bag it collapsed onto the floor, covered by the rug. Meanwhile Wheelchair hurried to filter through the wall. A second later, shyly bent, the rug c rawled there. Sardanapal embraced Tanya around the shoulders like a friend and led her into the office. “When you next see Wheelchair, Coffin Lid, or Eyeless Horror, don’t take it into your head to run away from them. They’re energy-vampires, only gorge on fear. Enough to simply look at them and say: Briskus-quickus! say: Briskus-quickus!”” He advised. Hearing the spell, the invisible being, still not quite hidden, squeaked in horror, and a moment later with loud chomping he was pulled into the granite slabs of the floor. floor. “Now he won’t leap out soon,” Sardanapal smiled into the beard. “Pity I didn’t know about Briskus-quickus about Briskus-quickus earlier. There was such a disgusting... with knives in the back...” Tanya felt sorry, sorry, answering his questioning que stioning look.


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“With knives? So, it was Lieutenant Rzhevskii. Not many like his little jokes,” smiled the academician. The inscription did not deceive. The office of academician Sardanapal was in truth modest. In any case, it was not exactly a sports hall. Along the walls in mahogany tubs decorated with small diamonds grew strange palm trees. In transparent glass columns swam bright tropical fishes. Near Sardanapal’s table, representing a strongly reduced copy of a soccer field, was a cage full of magic books, which, indignantly fluttering the pages, continually started to knock against the bars, trying to escape. One book, thick, with yellow parchment sheets, at the same time was striving to become a lizard, but the bars, clamping down, did not let it through. “Books on black magic. Sometimes needed for removing spells. Could also return them to the library, but, I fear, they won’t get on with the genie Abdullah. Either he will incinerate them or they’ll re-educate him. The genies, they’re nervous, unstable people,” explained Sardanapal. “By the way, how’s the Reference the Reference Book of White Magician? Magician? Came in handy?” “Yes, I learned the flight spells and spells of passage. True, once Pipa found this book and even there one...” Tanya blurted out and, not being able to maintain, told Sardanapal about Pipa and Lenka Mumrikova. “Will it be possible somehow to get rid of the fur on her han d?” She asked. Sardanapal despondently began to click his tongue. “I’m afraid we’ll not be able to help. A guard spell cannot be annulled. Any moronoid attacking a magic book grows fur. The hand is still okay. Imagine what it would be if she touched the book, say, say, with her nose?” Unexpectedly it seemed to Tanya that two icy drills bored right through her. Turning around, she saw in a deep armchair a short balding little fellow with closely planted eyes, maliciously sparkling from under patchy grey eyebrows. He was looking at her intently, with almost unconcealed hatred. “Let me introduce. This is Slander Slanderych. Dean of studies at Tibidox. And this...” Sardanapal started. “I surmise who this is,” Slander Slanderych broke in. “Let her tell how she got here?” “Eh-eh, as usual... By foot, along the hallway,” hallway,” Tanya was at a loss. “I know perfectly well not on a vacuum! All flight spells are blocked here... I ask, how did you get into Tibidox? Through the gates?” The piercing look of the dean stuck Tanya on the bridge of her nose. She hesitated, but, considering that otherwise she would let Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun down, answered “yes.” Hearing her “yes,” Slander Slanderych soared up. “Not true, you did not pass through the gates! The cyclops would have announced it to me!” He squealed hysterically. hysterically. “Either you’ll immediately tell me the truth, or...” Considering that it was necessary to extricate herself urgently somehow, Tanya looked sorrowfully at Sardanapal and, forcing her gaze to be moistened, she sobbed. She knew well how to solicit pity: life taught her. Chernomorov, feeding the books on black magic with pieces of damp meat, sympathetically roused himself and immediately came to her aid. “Slander, stop shouting at our guest! Perhaps she truly passed through the gates to here?” He said.


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“You “You know very well, Professor, that it’s impossible!” The dean was seething. “Besides cyclops, there is the notify spell! We We would find out about this!” “What, a spell cannot fail?” “Once in a million years!” Slander Slanderych shouted. “Here you see, failure nevertheless could happen! In other words, the next million years we’ll be able to sleep peacefully... However, pull yourself together now, but then see how the booklets have become nervous,” Sardanapal uttered softly, nodding to the cage. The books on black magic threw open the pages and, pressed against the bars, they greedily caught each angry howl of Slander Slanderych, clearly gorging on the negative energy from him. Seeing that Sardanapal was not on his side, the dean of Tibidox threw another icy gaze at Tanya. “As if I don’t know: it’s all Bab-Yagun and the hole of his cranky granny! I’ll get to them!” He hissed and an d turned away awa y. Sardanapal affectionately tousled Tanya’s hair. At the same time the beard, until now quietly lying on his chest, made use of the situation and quietly flicked on her nose. “Well now, my girl, you’re in Tibidox. How’s the first impression? Nice here, true? You’re attached to this place once and for life.” The voice of the academician ac ademician trembled. Tanya carefully glanced at his face, checking whether he was joking. To her Tibidox indeed did not quite seem such a strange place. “Is it true that this is a school for difficult-to-raise magicians?” She asked. The academician hesitated slightly. slightly. “Yes... “Yes... But only you don’t think that this is a colony or penitentiary. penitentiary. Nothing like it. Our task is to help...” he began. “To “To help what?” Noticing that one of his strings was untied, the academician tied it with a look and whistled for himself an armchair, which ran up to him on short cu rved legs. “To find oneself, to develop correctly. You see, capabilities for magic shows differently in different people, but most often unexpectedly unexpectedly.. Any boy or girl can live ten or twelve twelve years in the world, born of the most normal parents, and not suspecting this. And then with the coincidence of specific circumstances magic bursts through outward, and they accomplish some such things that a normal moronoid would never do. Well, for example, they transform a pestering neighbour into a parrot or make off with roller-skates through a showcase, moreover the showcase itself, surprisingly, remains whole. They do not even want to steal, but simply the roller-skates — somehow! — jump into their hands from the power of desire... At the same time it is in no way necessary that those boys or girls who accomplish this be from decent families. More often it’s the opposite. Magic abilities come apparently to whomever you want — tramps, a young pickpocket, the worst student in a class. Here we work with such children in Tibidox so that subsequently they would not use their skills for harm...” “Only they do nevertheless! For this very reason we have a department of black magic here! There we send those who will in no way be kept by the white department,” Slander added gloomily. gloomily. “And the children like to learn?” Tanya asked with curiosity. curiosity. “In various ways! Here everyone has his own talent. Someone can move excellently in space, another passes through walls, a third reads minds or possesses talent for levitation.


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There are some that for three years cannot master the simplest spells, then without any training put such a curse that we then struggle for two weeks to remove it. We have finally one little glutton who came to us after af ter devouring produce in a supermarket.” “It happens,” Tanya said sympathetically, recalling the day-before-yesterday vermicelli of Aunt Ninel. “You “You don’t understand,” understand,” Sardanapal became more specific. specific. “He gobbled gobbled up ALL the produce in ALL the supermarkets. Furthermore, he devoured the batons of the two guards who tried to stop him. Of course the poor wretch can be excused that until then he was extremely famished famished — mother and father generally barely barely fed him, only beat and forced him to beg, but he should still control himself. Now he’s here, you’ll yet to be introduced... Furthermore, we have studying here orphans who find this their native home. We try to seek out a small key to each heart. Indeed magic is extremely dangerous if we use it without control.” Slander Slanderych snorted mockingly. “A small key to each heart, quack-quack!” He mimicked. “There’s no need to fuss with them, with these little old foxes! Roller-skates, you see, jump into their hands. Wings grow on purses! At first it’s nothing, and then — somehow! — from nothing turns out She-Who-Is-No-More! I would handle them differently. Once and for all! I see right through them!” The cold drill-like eyes of the dean were fixedly set on Tanya, and it seemed to her that in each of his pupils a small skeleton was reflected. Sardanapal Sardanapal grew red. Hissing, Hissing, whizzing was heard — and, suddenly suddenly taking off, the short-legged armchair together with the academician hovered in the air directly above her head. Tanya understood that the head of Tibidox was letting out steam this way. way. “Nonsense, Slander!” He shouted. “Three hundred times I argued with you and three hundred more times I’ll argue! You think I don’t know what you’re driving at? It’s not possible to subject children to being complete zombies, what they would not be up to! While I’m chief here, I’ll not allow zombies with tin buttons as eyes strolling sedately along the hallways! Or have you forgotten how you came here in childhood and what you were busy with when I found you?” “No need, Sardanapal! We came to an agreement!” Turning pale, the dean shouted, fearfully fearfully looking sideways at Tanya. Tanya. Obviously Obviously he was terribly afraid that his secret secret — interesting, what? — would come out. The academician did not have time to answer when their conversation was interrupted by a terrible roar. The walls began to tremble slightly from the blows which reached from under the ground. Tanya from surprise shot up on the spot, noticing at the same time that neither Sardanapal nor Slander Slanderych even raised an eyebrow. “It’s the titans. Cottus, Briareus, and Gyes. Each has a hundred hands, fifty heads, and a huge amount of nonsense. Soon you’ll become accustomed to them. They’re imprisoned deeply underground in a dark, tight, and stuffy cave,” Slander Slanderych said with a nasty smile. “And why not let them out?” Tanya asked. Slander Slanderych biliously glanced at her as if she blurted b lurted out the sheerest stupidity. stupidity. “Let out the titans? You heard, Sardanapal, what thoughts she has? It’s impossible. They were imprisoned from the moment of the universe by even more ancient gods. If they’re released, they’ll destroy everything here. Even black magicians understand this


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and don’t risk poking their noses in there. Number one monsters — these are not dragons or evil spirits for you.” “But from where did the titans come here?” Just in case Tanya went away from the shuddering wall. Sardanapal in some confusion scratched his nose. “You see, Tibidox — it’s not only a school for difficult-to-raise magicians, but also a place of exile of all possible ancient... eh-eh... relics, differently disposed to man, and even to the magicians also. Since these monsters are immortal, then it’s not possible to do anything to them — only possible to imprison them... But don’t you be disturbed. All coins... eh-eh... all these essences are found on the lower levels of Tibidox. They are absolutely not dangerous, but just in case they’re guarded by cyclops and the hero brothers. Furthermore, we have outstanding magic defence. I developed it myself. It provi provides des for all situat situation ions.” s.” Slande Slanderr Slande Slanderyc rych h coughed coughed with with malice malice.. “Almos “Almostt all situations,” situations,” Sardanapal Sardanapal corrected himself, himself, noticing noticing that the dean was prepared to object again. “Many years ago, true, there was an episode when they broke through the defence, but they caught all who escaped then. At least, we think everyone, since, it goes without saying, we could not count precisely how many of them escaped... It’s known to us for certain that until now only one essence is found on the loose, one that presents big... we’ll say frankly, frankly, enormous danger dang er... ... to us all. This essence... I’ll not hide this... it’s Plague-delCake-She-Who-Is-No-More.” Unexpectedly a low whistle was heard. The button on the dean’s collar began to twirl swiftly and started to blink red. “Slander, your notifier snapped into action again! You You turn it off!” Sardanapal winced. “I’ll not turn it off! Someone from the evil spirits is again hanging about in the Hidden Basement! And, Grotter, I’ll still settle with you! We’ll return to this conversation!” The dean promised darkly, darkly, looking around at Tanya. He jumped up and rushed out, slamming the door with such force that one of the halfasleep gold sphinxes fell from it and was forced to clamber back up. Academician Chernomorov was helplessly at a loss. “Serious character... But an outstanding man! And what a specialist!” He said, as if apologizing. “So, Tanya, from now on you’ll study in Tibidox. It’s already unimportant what class you were in among the moronoids. Here it is necessary for you to start everything from the beginning. We have five basic classes, or steps. Strict exams at the end of each year. Then those desiring can enter either Medusa’s department of evil spirits studies, the removal of evil eye, practical magic with Professor Stinktopp, or come to me in the department of the beyond. Even possible to be trained in veterinary magic, that is, to treat unicorns, firebirds, dragons, harpies, Cerberus, mermaids. Here one boy, Vanka Valyalkin, they say, is doing well. He even managed to take a splinter out of the nose of my sphinx, something I myself, must admit, would not dare to do...” Sardanapal was still saying something for a long time, but Tanya for some reason did not remember his words. Lulled by the monotonic babble of his voice, she felt how her eyelids, growing heavy, closed. The sleepless night, carried astride on the double bass in the icy airflow, had an effect on her. her. “Yes, “Yes, you go and sleep!” sleep!” Sardanapal Sardanapal recollected recollected suddenly suddenly.. “W “Wait, ait, I’ll now find out where we’ll put you. Today you have work in the second half of the day, but you’ll still have time to have a good sleep.”


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Taking a zoomer from the table, he wiped it with his sleeve, and immediately on the bottom of the sheet metal basin flared up the face of Medusa Gorgonova, the associate professor of the department of evil spirits studies. Medusa overslept, and all the snakes on her head, not having time yet to turn into hair, were firmly gathered in a bun at the back of the head. Noticing the academician, Medusa hurriedly threw a kerchief over her head. “Excuse me, Medusa... I only wanted to ask where we’ll place Tanya Grotter?” Medusa answered something, but Tanya could not hear. She could only hear the head of Tibidox. Probably, Probably, the sound of his zoomer was tuned to the telepathic channel. “And there’s no other place? You’re sure? There were still two reserve bedrooms... How were they flooded? Again your experiments on the domestication of mermaids? Everywhere will again smell of fish... Good, I’ll tell her. Bye!” Sardanapal wiped off the image of Medusa from the zoomer and turned to Tanya. He was slightly embarrassed. “Medusa said that all the bedrooms are occupied. You... eh-eh... it is necessary for you to share a room with Black Curtains. If Curtains begin to behave strangely, suffice to say: Briskus-quickus! You’ll manage?” “I’ll try,” promised Tanya, estimating how she would say Briskus-quickus, if Curtains should attack her in her sleep. “Wait, I’m not yet finished. Possibly, you don’t know, but Tibidox consists of two completely equal parts. We We — white magicians occupy one part, and the other... the other, alas, is occupied by black magicians. Usually we don’t interfere in the affairs of each other. We We have, to express more clearly, clearly, neutrality... So here, to room with Black Curtains is unique in the entire Tibidox, which belongs simultaneously to both the black magicians and us. Therefore your roommate will be a girl from the black. Her name is Coffinia Cryptova. She’s... m-m... a little strange, however, black magicians are all like that... You agree? Then I’m sending sphinx to direct you...” “Well, if there’s nothing else...” Tanya shrugged her shoulders. She wanted one thing: sleep. “After Pipa I’ll be surprised by nothing,” yawning, Tanya thought, and this time she was mistaken. Soon she would be surprised. And not only surprised. Chapter 9 The Scroll of Predictions

The gold sphinx confidently led Tanya along the passageways of Tibidox. Several times spectres, who wanted to take a look at the newbie, emerged to meet them, and once from a dark niche in the wall, issuing wearisome sighs, flowed out something dark and vague, more more like like a dense dense fog with with two circul circular ar,, closel closely y spaced spaced opening openingss resemb resemblin ling g eyes. eyes. Assuming the form of a monstrous hand, the fog quickly flowed to Tanya, but it only needed to notice Academician Sardanapal’s sphinx, the gold fangs lazily sneering, then it, with an anxious gurgle, hurriedly pulled itself into its barred hole. Tanya could not cease to be surprised at how narrow passages combined with wide corrid corridors ors and immens immensee halls halls in the archit architect ecture ure of Tibid Tibidox. ox. But they harmoniz harmonized. ed. Unexpectedly a sequence of little corridors led them out to a set of enormous stairs, built on — or more precisely, precisely, knocked out of — an entire cliff. Each of its steps was more than


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waist height and of such width that a sofa would easily fit on it. Along the stairs stretched stone figures of Atlas, supporting massive arches on their shoulders. “Sheer show-off! Would be better if they made the steps lower instead of erecting these uncles!” Tanya muttered, trying to keep pace with the sphinx. Hearing her, one of the Atlases clicked its stone teeth, and Tanya decided to restrain from further criticism. “They’ll even drop the ceiling onto my head — it’ll happen with them,” she decided. The stairs led into a huge hall. However, Tanya, already accustomed to the splendour of Tibidox, was not too surprised by it. Another thing was startling — along the centre of the hall, dividing it into two equal eq ual parts, ran a bluish stream of fire. The part of the hall to the left was bright, as if flooded by invisible sunlight. Dropping diamond sparks from their tails onto the flagstones and flapping their wings, firebirds swiftly flew over, behind which in playful pursuit were little robust cupids, dressed in red suspenders by the efforts of Sardanapal. A blindingly white unicorn was angrily kicking, trying with a finely moulded diamond hoof to hit the big-eared humpbacked horse, which was teasing him. In any case, when the horse, in a linen horsecloth clearly altered from an old magic tablecloth, deftly jumped away from the unicorn, plates, pies with cranberries, and smoked hams fell like rain from its horsecloth. But such bright, though also wild, merriment was only from one side. To the right, where the hall was divided by the line on which the stream of fire ran, there was impenetrable night. In the high arches of the hall ha ll bats flashed by, on the floor snakes were hiss hissin ing, g, whil whilee in a dist distant ant corner corner wher wheree it smel smelle led d of grey grey and and moul mould, d, some some dark dark silhouette gloomily towered. The gold sphinx decisively made its way along the fiery line, keeping to the bright side and contemptuously snorting to the snakes hissing at it. Tanya hurriedly rushed right after, fearing to lag behind the sphinx. The little cupids were merrily fluttering around. The Humpbacked Horse on his short legs shaggy like a pony’s playfully skipped beside her, pouring from the magic tablecloth danishes and crepes with red caviar. Now and then the tablecloth fell, and then saucepans began to pour from it. The nervous unicorn quivered its ears from this crash and again started to kick. When the hall was behind her, Tanya for some reason turned around and looked there, to the dark side. It seemed to her that someone was continuously following her from that far corner c orner... ... Right by the fiery line began yet another set of stairs, going upward in a spiral, this time already normal and not colossal size. The higher they climbed, the voices reaching from above became more distinct. Tanya surmised that they were approaching student quarters and that now she would see the children with whom she expected to be studying all the following years. Her heart was pounding uneasily, and she, barely slowing down her steps, began to listen. “You saw: someone bewitched my boots. In what will I go to practical magic? Today is stinkbugs!” Some boy the most interesting theme: Preparation theme: Preparation of elixir of courage from stinkbugs!” complained in a whine. “Probably someone thrust papers with spells into the inner soles there, you take them out, and it’s done,” someone advised him, seemed to be a girl.


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“I know that there are papers, but I can’t take them out! The boots bolt, and when I catch up with them— they kick! It’ll be a nightmare nightmare if I miss class! class! My average annual mark will then be 4.9 instead of 5.0!” A door slammed. Someone looked into the corridor. “You already got everything with your Stinktopp, Shurasik! My average mark for the past quarter is 2.9, but I’m not passing out because of it. Or do you want your name embroidered with gold threads on the trousers of honour?” A resonant boyish voice said mockingly. “VALYALKIN! It’s you who BEWITCHED them! Return the boots, or I’ll turn the curse on you!” With suspicion passing into certainty, certainty, the complaining co mplaining one yelled. Deciding that there was no more sense in hiding, Tanya Tanya got up onto the landing. She saw a large round living room to where a set of bedroom doors opened out. In the living room were no less than about twenty children, all approximately her age, who, noticing the gold sphinx of Academician Sardanapal, stared at it first, and then also at the one it brought. Near the bedroom closest to the stairs, a lanky teenager was jumping in barefoot, the learned learned kind — probabl probably y, Shuras Shurasik ik — and, and, lettin letting g out a spark spark from from the ring, was seriously intending on directing a curse at a small slender young fellow of about ten, dressed in an absurdly long yellow soccer shirt reaching down to his knees. In the air near the young fellow, obviously attached to him with reminders, a toothbrush was flying. “Spoilus pimplus greenus!” greenus!” Shurasik yelled at the moment when Tanya appeared on the landing. After waving the hand on which he had his magic ring, Shurasik threw a green spark at the slender young fellow, and the spark swiftly dashed to his face. But in the instant before it touched him, he deftly shrunk back and instead of his face was substituted a mirror, which till then he had hidden behind his back and now moved up so that the face of Shurasik himself was reflected in it. When the spark struck his reflection, Shurasik suddenly squealed and covered his face with a sweater. But Tanya had time to notice that his face was covered with a huge pimple almost the size of a five-kopeck coin, moreover, not a plain one but even smeared with brilliant green. Shurasik darted into the bedroom. His bewitched boots, after lingering, flew on his tracks in order to continue to tease him even there. Everyone burst out laughing. “The curse for sure will last a week. Good that I caught it on the glass,” the young fellow in the soccer shirt said thoughtfully and, merrily looking at Tanya, presented himself: “Vanka “Vanka Valyalkin. Valyalkin. You You know what I got go t here for? I ate the entire store.” “And the guards’ batons,” added Tanya. The young fellow stopped smiling “Sardanapal told you? But he didn’t say why I ate them? That they were trying to beat me with these batons? On the whole, good that after this incident they immediately took me away to Tibidox, otherwise the moronoids would really send me to the correctional school...” “The “Then n we woul would d indee indeed d have have met met ther there! e! If Uncl Unclee Herm Herman an woul would d have have kept kept his his promise,” said Tanya. The eyes of the young fellow stopped at her birthmark. For the first time they looked at her without loathing, without the desire to insult, but, on the contrary, with understanding. “But you’re not... not Tanya Grotter?” He suddenly blurted out.


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The girl was slightly embarrassed. She was still not used to the surprise, which her name evoked in magicians. “Yes, “Yes, I am,” she nodded and for some reason added: “In person.” pe rson.” Vanka Valyalkin very quietly gave a whistle, restraining from more “oh!” and for this Tanya was grateful. Then the others, beginning to be surprised, in no way could stop. “The same! Tanya Grotter herself. The only one who saw She-Who-Is-No-More,” emerging from somewhere, Dusya PDollova whispered, a round-faced girl of eleven, who accidentally transformed her girlfriend into gingerbread. “Her “Her pare parent ntss peri perish shed ed!! But But she she crus crushe hed d the the scor scorpi pion on of SheShe-Wh Whoo-Is Is-N -Noo-Mo More re!! Stunning! Stunning! This nightmarish nightmarish birthmark birthmark is in reality reality the burn of a magic spark — trace of that night!” Verka Verka Parrotova began to sigh, a super-curious person of thirteen, whose nose preserved the clear imprint of a door. This took place still in the human world when she spied on her older sister kissing a boy. Precisely then emerged in Verka the ability to see through objects. Tanya smiled uncomfortably. Indeed she herself remembered not a single thing from what they were telling her now. The whole crowd gradually surrounded her. Each strove to touch her or at least to wave to her from a distance. She had never felt so popular before. Earlier in the world of the moronoids she was absolutely not needed by b y anyone. And here when she was already ready to disappear through the ground from her popula popularit rity y and dreame dreamed d only about about becomin becoming g invisi invisible ble,, every everybody body around around heard heard a displeased growl. The sphinx of the academician growled, decisively forced its way through the crowd, and made a path for her to one of the bedrooms. “Well, bye! Rest! We’ll meet again!” Vanka Valyalkin snapped his fingers, beckoning to the toothbrush. “Ooh-oh-eh-ah-uh! She’s now with us!” Dusya Dollova and Verka Verka Parrotova said like a choir. Tanya had hardly entered when the sphinx, starting to spin like a top, became a gold dust and swiftly sped away. The door closed behind Tanya’s back with a faint plop. Looking around, the girl understood that she was in a small room divided in the middle by a line — the same as in the Hall of Two Elements, with the only difference that this line was not fiery. Black Curtains, lazily moving with her nearness, hung long on the window going out into the garden. The bed to the right of the window was wooden, covered by a red downy blanket, but, on the whole, sufficiently normal. Then the bed on the opposite side... Tanya even cringed from astonishment... Yes, exactly, this was not a bed but a very solid coffin, placed with the bottom up, with figured wooden legs nailed to it. The mattress on this “bed” was enormous, satin, in the shape of a heart. On the mattress with legs crossed lay a beautiful girl of about twelve with violet hair and she was following with her gaze the brush, which, flying, was painting her nails in a poisonousgreen colour c olour.. Tanya surmised surmised that this was her roommate roommate — the girl studying black magic in the “dark” department of Tibidox, about whom Academician Sardanapal spoke with this sigh. And a second later Tanya understood that the girl, lowering her eyes, was attentively examining her. Moreover she had already been examining for a long time. “Hello!” Tanya said.


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“So long!” The girl said with a deep voice, something similar to the voice of Aunt Ninel. She sat up with a jerk and, lowering her legs from the bed, was already staring openly at Tanya. Her eyes were of different sizes and colours. The right one narrow, sly, a slanting Mongolian slit, clearly disposed to evil eye, and the left large, dark-blue, with long, naively fluttering eyelashes. Depending on which side to look from, the girl could be taken for either an obvious obv ious old fox or a fool-simpleton. “You’re Coffinia Cryptova,” said Tanya. “I know what my name is without you. But you’re Grotter. Tanka Grotter — the stupid orphan who defeated She-Who-Is-No-More. Can this be the absurd birthmark she still has on the nose? You You want to say that you’ll be living here?” “Yes, I will be. And don’t think that I’ll start to ask for your permission,” Tanya announced, deciding that one ought not to stand on ceremony with this girl. “Well-w “W ell-well, ell, live.” Coffinia contemptuously contemptuously nodded to the other bed. “Only have in mind that you’re not the first. All three roommates who lodged here flew out like corks. Two of them stutter till now, and the other one though not stuttering, always shakes her head. We, We, black magicians, don’t love the white...” “Okay, lie in your coffin, wheeze in the two holes, and don’t come out!” Tanya dismissed her, thinking that fate slipped to her another Pipa. But no matter how it was, here she had her own bed, a table, a wardrobe, and an entire half of a room. At Uncle Herman’s she had to be satisfied with the balcony. “Yes, she’s still rude to me! Keep in mind, you’ll fall asleep, then I’ll set this on you! Hey, Page!” Coffinia poked with a finger into a corner of the room. There on a stand was a very excellent skeleton in a large hat, with a dark raincoat thrown over its shoulders. Two lipsticks jutted out from its eye sockets, and it held a compact in its teeth. Likely, Coffinia, endowed with a unique sense of humour, used it as a hanger for her finery. Tanya approached her bed and, quickly undressing, slid under the blanket. “Don’t wake me, don’t put me in storage, and handle me with care!” She yawned and, at once discarding from her head Coffinia, Black Curtains, stupid skeleton in a hat, and spectres languishing at loose end and with knives sticking out the back, plunged into sleep. Coffinia looked searchingly at her for a long time, and then, hesitating, informed the skeleton: “You know, Page, likely they did not dare tell this fool the prophecy. That’s worse for her.” *** Plainly Tanya did not succeed in sleeping her fill. Soon a terrible ringing issuing from the large clock hanging on the wall woke her. The clock was sufficiently strange, without numbers and only with one hand, but then small pictures were placed in the circle of the dial. On one was depicted a pile of jumping textbooks, on another a bed, on the third a spoon, on the fourth a small vacuum, on the fifth, which the hand was pointing at now, a thin stream of malodorous smoke snaking out of a large cauldron. This cauldron was also precisely jingling now, and the yellow, unpleasantly reeking smoke, flowing into the room and tickling Tanya’s nose, formed into letters crawling away: The student Grotter!


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Immedi Immediate ately ly shake shake the lazy spell spell off yourself yourself and step step to practic practical al magic! magic! Prof. Prof. Stinktopp. Finally awake, Tanya leaped up. Under the bed she discovered the case with the double bass — it seems Bab-Yagun contrived to be here while she was sleeping. Having quickly dressed, Tanya jumped out into the corridor. The smoke from the clock, changing into a forefinger, guided her along the corridors of Tibidox. Having climbed up under the very roof of a high tower narrow as a pencil, Tanya found herself in a low hall, on all the walls of which, beginning from the ceiling, were hung bunches of grasses, snake tails, and dry eagle feet. The students, among whom Tanya recognized Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun nodding hello to her, the frankly bored Vanka Valyalkin, fat-cheeked Dusya Dollova, and Shurasik surrounded by a mountain of books and notebooks, scribbling with a goose feather at the speed of a rushing electric train, were sitting on low desks covered with soot, arranged around the small area. In the centre of this area, at a decent distance from the floor, in a rope hammock of heaps of knots, sat a diminutive, wrinkled old man. His bald head with a single strand of yellowish hair was like an overgrown horseradish. The face seemed to consist of wrinkles alone. He was dressed in violet tricot, over which was a badly put on tattered woollen waistcoat. “Ah, here’s also Tanya Tanya Grotter! Outstanding beginning: be ginning: first day in Tibidox and already late!” He said with an obvious accent, acidly smiling with empty gums with a unique curved tooth jutting out on top. “I’m Professor Stinktopp! Ve’re on ze important zeme: Preparations of elixir of courage from stinkbugs. Before continuing, I’ll varn zat because of you I’ll detain ze class for exactly one minute after ze lesson!” Professor Stinktopp jabbed with a finger at the clock dial, which, like his face, was similar to a horseradish. “Don’ “Don’tt pay any attent attention ion!! He’s He’s crazy crazy about about punctua punctualit lity y,” Bab-Y Bab-Yagun whispe whispered red encouragingly. However, though his whisper was quite q uite soft, Professor Stinktopp mysteriously heard it. “Anozer five penalty minutes to ze entire class! And triple homevork! Zis time zanks to Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n talk talkin ing, g,”” He squea squeake ked d and, and, swin swingi ging ng in the the hammo hammock, ck, cont contin inue ued d the the dictation: “... viz a silfer mixer. Stop. Capital letter. In ze case zat no stinkbugs are nearby, for ze preparation of ze elixir dry dung-beetles are also suitable. Stop. Capital letter.” “And it’s called practical magic... I cannot stand to write,” sighed Vanka Valyalkin, moving and giving Tanya room on the bench next to him. It seemed that of the entire class only Shurasik was contented, smartly using up a third sheet already. Glancing carefully at his feet, Tanya observed that he was barefooted in overshoes. “So, the boots still get violent,” she surmised with a smile. Time for practice was only at the end of the lesson. Professor Stinktopp released from his ring an entire pile of red sparks — from which Tanya concluded that before her was a magicia magician n from from the “dark,” “dark,” — and all the desks, desks, loweri lowering ng short short curved legs, began to crawl together to the centre of the hall. Before each appeared a small copper pot that had turned green and with slippery slimy edges. Tanya wanted terribly to wash and clean it to lustre lustre,, but Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun whispere whispered d that that magic magic cauldr cauldrons ons are never never to be washed washed and cleaned under any circumstances. Seeing as the others were doing it, Tanya started to prepare the elixir. She did not want mud on her face, especially as Professor Stinktopp from the very beginning for some


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reason started to pick on her. Shurasik was more zealous than everyone in the preparation of the elixir of courage, slowly stirring the cauldron first with a spoon, then with an overshoe, and simultaneously contriving not to allow the beetles to crawl. Outwardly simple, the recipe for the preparation of elixir had one intricacy — it was necessary to take a long time to warm up the water in the cauldron, at the same time without allowing it to boil, and this with the fact that magic cauldrons heated up almost instantly. The mixture first boiled in Vanka Valyalkin’s, then in Verka Parrotova’s, and in the end BabYagun’ agun’ss beetle beetle flew flew into into Dusya Dusya Dollov Dollova’ a’ss ear, ear, and she raised raised a terrib terrible le screech screech,, overturning her own cauldron. “I cannot stand all these potions. Not without reason they always write on all the magic infusi infusions ons:: side side effec effects ts — the growth growth of fur on the forehead forehead and the nose,” grumbled grumbled Vanka, who was trying to set his beetle so that it would crawl behind Shurasik’s Shurasik’s collar. Professor Stinktopp strolled inside the circle and indulgently tried the elixirs. For this he even had a special bronze spoon on a long chain hanging on his belt. Having taken a sip sip from from half half a spoo spoonf nful ul of each each of the the cauld cauldro rons ns,, Prof Profes esso sorr Stin Stinkt ktop opp p remai remaine ned d extremely dissatisfied. “Neffer in Tibidox vas collected such dolts! Two monz of lessons — an d no result! And you call zis elixir of courage? Efen Shurasik’s, zis dear boy...” here Stinktopp’s voice grew warm to a hundredth of a degree, “instead of an elixir it turned out to be a harmful decoction for growing calluses!” “You haven’t yet tried Tanya’s!” Verka Parrotova clicked her tongue. Professor Stinktopp leniently made a face. “Vell-a, vell-a... I’m sure nozing has turned out viz our newbie, since she mixed viz ze spoon clockvise, but I dictated: must stir counter-clockvise. And zen, vhat foot from ze stinkbug did she bring? Certain zat it’s ze front, but one is neffer to use zem!” He said mocking mockingly ly,, scoopi scooping ng elixir elixir from from her cauldr cauldron. on. Tanya anya wanted wanted to object object that that she did everything correctly, but Stinktopp, not listening, already sent the contents of the spoon into his mouth. According to the expression on his face it was obvious that he was prepared to utter something extremely sarcastic, but here dense vapour unexpectedly belched from his ears, his face reddened, and, jumping up and down on the spot, he began to roar: “Vhy are you all settled here, dawdlers!! Driff ze mammoz here! A hundred mammoz, two hundred! And also dragons here! I’ll zrash zem viz my bare hands! And not only dragons! I’ll give two black eyes to all a ll ze titans!” Stinktopp brandished his thin hands and dashed away somewhere, clearly to investigate the titans. The whole class stared at Tanya in amazement. “Likely he swallowed too much. Well, Well, the titans will beat him up!” Bab-Yagun giggled. “Listen, how come yours turned out? Why did the cauldron not boil?” Vanka Valyalkin was wonderstruck. Tanya smiled shyly. “Nothing... I followed the recipe, that’s all,” she growled. “Now to brew Aunt Ninels diet tea is actually a task. Twenty-three seconds to steam at a temperature of seventythree degrees, simultaneously stirring slowly with a thermometer... Stop a second — Aunt Ninel goes into hysterics. I’d like to see how Professor Stinktopp would manage with that...”


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After practical magic the hand of the clock, same as in the room with Black Curtains, pointed first to a spoon, and then to a huge, constantly winking eye. “They’re saying that it’s dinner now, and later we must go to removal of evil eye,” Vanka Valyalkin hesitated. “And who’s teaching it? Professor Stinktopp again?” Tanya asked. “Ne-a, not Stinktopp. Now it’ll be Dentistikha... She’s both ours and with the ‘dark.’ So it’s a joint pair. Only she teaches how to cast an evil eye to the ‘dark’ but how to remove to us.” If practical magic was conducted in the tower, then for the removal of evil eye it was necessary to go down to the basement along the long stairs with smoky steps illuminated by magic torches. The vibration of the walls here felt much stronger than in the rest of Tibidox. If an ear was cocked, then it was possible to make out even the hoarse breath of the titans. Furthermore, several times it seemed to Tanya that in the dark corners where the light of the torches did not reach, concealed hairy essences quickly gleamed for a moment. Vanka Valyalkin alyalkin and Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun walked beside beside Tanya. Several times she already already noticed that Valyalkin alyalkin and Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun inconspicuous inconspicuously ly pushed each other with their shoulders, competing to walk closer to her. It did not please Verka Parrotova and Dusya Dollova that the newbie was enjoying such success and they snorted, turning aside their noses. “And how do the evil spirits worm themselves in here?” Vanka Valyalkin reasoned. “Preventive spells everywhere here. Slander put them on each crack, not even to mention the corridors.” “Evil spirits will always find a way. Or will open a new one. They soundly consider where to open what and how to climb through. Well, Well, and not a week that they avoid the cave of Tibidox,” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun said. Tanya recalled how the evil spirits swarmed the house of Uncle Herman and climbed along the pipes, and agreed with Bab-Yagun. Now only why are the evil spirits here? What do they want? The room for removal of evil eye was crowded and tight. Besides thirty freshmen of the “white” department, here were even thirty freshmen of the “dark.” “And Grotter also dragged herself here! Do you see this girl?” Coffinia said loudly, turning to her neighbour, a gloomy fellow with a low forehe ad, resembling a gorilla. The “dark” stared darkly at Tanya. Tanya. “Gunya, bet you can’t touch her birth mark? Perhaps it’s pasted on her?” Coffinia continued to egg him on. The low forehead moved heavily forward, towering above the tallest of the “dark” by two heads. “Who can’t? Good. I’ll touch...” he said through his nose, smiling and stretching a thick finger in motion. His teeth were not clean, with a nasty yellowish-green tint. At the same time time two fangs fangs stuck stuck out forwar forward d conside considerabl rably y. Vanka Valyalk alyalkin in and Bab-Y Bab-Yagun advanced forward together, up between the thug and Tanya. Tanya. “Get “Get acquai acquainte nted, d, this this is Gunya Gunya Glomov Glomov — our Tibidox Tibidox wonder wonder.. He’s He’s fourte fourteen. en. He already sat in the first class for three years, and the only thing he learnt, — to change himself into a stool!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun pronounced provocatively. provocatively.


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“You “You want trouble, Yagun? Yagun? Know it all! You’re You’re already in trouble,” Gunya Glomov said and began to swing heavily. heavily. But here for no rhyme or reason Shurasik jumped forward. “And “And I also also know know how to fight! fight!”” He began began to squeak. squeak. “Yes “Yester terday day I read read Self-teach Manual of Young Fighter and Fighter and I even know how to correctly make a fist! So: I’ll take off my glasses, and we’ll negotiate the rules. No hitting the face, no kicking one lying down, no cursing with bad words, with the words ‘Time out’ the fight sto...” Not listening to the rules, Gunya smirked and hit Shurasik in the ear. Shurasik rolled head over heels on the floor. Vanka Valyalkin and Bab-Yagun jumped on Gunya, and all three were rolling on o n the floor. “Fight!” Someone from the “dark” began to yell and everybody rushed forward. Soon the fight was already universal. The “white” and the “dark” acted well-organized. It seemed to Tanya that it was not the first time they fought so. Even the girls. Coffinia Cryptova, scrambling onto the table, led the brawl. Shurasik sat down on the floor and, shaking his head, began to turn a small dark-blue writing pad. “Not let me take off my glasses, well I’ll show you!” He started to mutter vindictively. “Trampli-kickli!” Trampli-kickli!” With these words the overshoes tore themselves off his feet and, kicking everyone indiscriminately, threw themselves into the midst of things. One of the overshoes kicked Coffinia, and that one flew off the table like a swallow. But the overshoes, after sowing panic among the “dark,” were also already attacking the “white.” “Shurasik, what, have you gone nuts? What are you hitting us for?” Dusya Dollova shouted fearfully. fearfully. “I can do nothing. It’s such a general all-kicking spell . Not possible to tune it exactly,” Shurasik muttered and immediately dropped on all fours to escape from an overshoe overtaking him. Unexpectedly the door of the class slammed. Into the classroom either walked or rolled a small round lady with bangs like a pony’s over her eyes. On her nose were thick glasses, and in her hands she was holding a maliciously giggling diary. “Watch out! Dentistikha!” Coffinia hissed and crawled from the desk, at the same time smiling at the teacher with a most innocent look. The overshoes, passing each other, rushed into an attack on the newly entered one, but Dentistikha let fly two red sparks from her ring, changing them into fused pieces of rubber. Considering that he was left barefooted, Shurasik despondently sniffed. The fight stopped in a flash, and all rushed to their places. Tanya noticed that Bab-Yagun had a swollen nose, and Vanka a split lip. But at the same time, Gunya Glomov also, adorned by a pair of black eyes, clearly was not suitable for the cover of a magazine. However, even before the fight he was not suitable, if, of course, it was not the special periodical for vampires. “Charming! “Charming! Charming!” Charming!” The lady said resoundingly resoundingly.. “Fighting “Fighting again? What is it this time?” “Because of her, because of the newbie! She said that you’re foolish, and your lessons are awful!” Coffinia Cryptova told tales, pointing a finger at Tanya. Tanya. Tanya wanted to object, but decided that it would be more proper to keep quiet. Dentistikha turned and vigilantly looked at the new one through her glasses. It was difficult to determine whether she believed Coffinia.


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“Strange,” “Strange,” she said. “Strange. “Strange. But now let us begin. Not worth losing a minute... minute... To start, as always, a small check.” Dentistikha tossed the diary up in the air, and it noted all those present. Tanya hardly managed to follow as the pen flickered. Then the book began to fly successively all over the students, hovering motionlessly over each for several seconds. “Checking homework,” whispered Vanka Valyalkin. His voice sounded alarmed, it was likely that not everything was satisfactory with his homework. Probably, nothing could be hidden from the diary. It punched Bab-Yagun lightly, also cuffed Valyalkin, harder, affectionately stroked Dusya Dollova’s hair, slid past Coffinia without any interest, then gave Gunya Glomov such a sharp blow to the back of the head that his eyes bunched up. Evidently, the third-year student had already bothered the book a great deal by his stupidity. When it was Tanya’s turn, it lingered over her head for a particularly long time as if it was confused. Tanya was frightened that it would also knock her on the crown — indeed she knew exactly nothing, and, after all, it was her first time in the class. But the book did not begin to do this. Instead the pen quickly scratched several lines, and the diary flew over into the hands of Dentistikha. She read the report and, as it seemed to Tanya, glanced at her again with special interest. The girl would give dearly to read what was written about her, but the book had already slammed shut, and moreover was even closed with two copper clasps. “And “And now practi practice! ce! Whoopli Whoopli woepli penalbowpli! penalbowpli!”” Dentis Dentistik tikha ha said said briskl briskly y and, decisively taking off the thick glasses, sternly dropped quick glances at the class. Immediately a third of the students fell onto the floor with a terrible sharp pain in the stomac stomach, h, others others,, includi including ng Tanya, anya, turned turned green green like like frogs frogs and swell swelled ed up, and the remaining took to hiccupping with such terrifying frequency that their heads simply managed to jump. “Excellent,” nodded Dentistikha. “As you see, I used plain but effective evil eyes, with which you still expect to meet in life, and so it’s time you search for a method to beat them now... And I for the time being will read a little Horace in the original... Last night I completely could not rest. Slander was arranging in the cave of the cyclopes, and they were stamping so terribly...” terribly...” And, reaching for a small booklet, Dentistikha became absorbed in reading. Trying not to look at her nightmarishly green, itchy hands, Tanya looked around. BabYagun, holding holding his stomach, stomach, hurriedly hurriedly whispered whispered incomprehensi incomprehensible ble words. words. Shurasik, Shurasik, jumping with hiccups, unsuccessfully turned the pages of his small notebook. Coffinia Cryptova, the same green as Tanya, issued from the ring one red spark after another. However, the colour of Coffinia herself did not change at all. After an hour Dentistikha with regret bookmarked the book with a dry bat wing and slammed it shut. “Well, what business do we have? Oh, I see that in no way... Bad, dears, bad. Here you,” Dentistikha Dentistikha pointed to those rolling rolling on the floor with a sharp pain in the stomach, “had to say: Trickus runtus. Did it help? Must think by yourselves! You, turned green, had to utter: Goatbumpy noisu. And you, hiccupping, must, picking up your head, shout Feverytb! loudly. I’m sure you’ll remember this in the future. Meet again in three days... I’m certain, Shurasik, you’ll not begin to use more freeze spells against hiccups... hiccup s... You You see what it led to? Someone please take this block to magic station. I’ll ask Yagge to defrost it.”


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*** “Poor Shurasik!” Tanya said, watching as Bab-Yagun, Vanka, and two more kids from the “white” hauled the icy block to magic station. It was written precisely so and not “first aid station” in the directory. directory. “He’s “He’s not only poor, poor, he’s he’s also awfully heavy,” heavy,” puffed puffed slender slender Valyalkin. alyalkin. “You “You know how Shurasik turned up in Tibidox? He was getting fives in school, simply a compulsive A student, and then a teacher gave him a two. Because of some nonsense: either did not bring a notebook or failed to hear some question. This first two in his life so shook Shurasik that his mark book suddenly flared up by itself, and immediately on this teacher’s head grew seventeen mushroom-toadstools... Until now, by the way, they have remain remained. ed. Neithe Neitherr Medusa Medusa nor Sardan Sardanapal apal could remove remove them. them. She plucks plucks off the toadstools and new ones grow from the mushroom spawns.” “Serves her right: she’ll know how to give twos for no good reason,” said Tanya. Conversing, they gradually reached the magic station. “Now you’ll see my granny. She’s boss here,” Bab-Yagun said with pride. “Only, here’s the deal: remember quickly she’s Yagge. Don’t call her Yaga, she dislikes this terribly. And her feet are definitely not bony bon y.” In the small magic station partitioned by screens, on a three-legged stool sat a withered old lady, dressed like a gypsy with a red kerchief on her head and wrapped in a bright shawl. The old lady was smoking a cherry pipe and breathing out fragrant puffs of smoke, forming whimsical animals. “Well, grandson, what have you done this time? Today Slander ran to me. He was seething so that his brain almost hard-boiled,” squinting piercingly, she turned to BabYagun. “We? But we did nothing...” Bab-Yagun was embarrassed. Both of his fat cheeks reddened like washed apples. Yagge threatened her h er grandson with a dry finger: “Oh look, Yagun, don’t make Slander angry! He’s a dangerous magician. The last time he was so angry when you let out the dragons... Well, now what? Used that passageway again? And I happened to make a slip of the tongue then!” “So it turned out,” Bab-Yagun was embarrassed. “And why did Slander come? Only to swear?” “Of course not. Today he has been in the caves all day. Forced the auxiliary shamans to wall up the Nameless Basement, and one of them had his hand crushed by a stone. He brought him in to be treated...” “By the way, about ‘to be treated’... We brought someone here,” Bab-Yagun recalled suddenly. Yagge stared at the stiffened Shurasik: “Ah yes, indeed I see, cast an outstanding freeze spell, on top of that from a very close dist distanc ance. e. Okay Okay,, pleas pleasee unload unload him him on the couch couch and and spre spread, ad, perha perhaps ps,, an oilcl oilclot oth h underneath. When I defrost him, it’ll be really full of water here... And you, children, leave here quick! Nothing to crowd here for — never saw someone someone sensitive sensitive to cold, perhaps?”


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Tanya was about to make her way to the door together with everyone, but the sharpeyed old lady noticed her and, tenaciously holding her sleeve, looked at her face. “Ah, mother! You’re indeed Tanya, Tanya Grotter... I knew Leopold, he was such an excellent man and outstanding magician. To think only that now... now he’s no more.” Yagge sobbed, however, that did not prevent her from nudging the back of the lingering Vanka Valyalkin. “You know, little daughter: Plague-Del-Cake, whom all these cowards call She-Wh She-Who-I o-Is-N s-No-M o-More ore,, seriou seriously sly feared feared only only your your father father,, and, perhaps perhaps,, even even Sardanapal... Exactly why she attacked Leopold, fearing that he had already finished his experiments... Yes, your father perished, but she also did not reach her goal...” Yagge again sobbed. “And as soon as I think that any minute now...” “Granny!” Bab-Yagun whispered warningly. “Oh, quiet-quiet!” The old lady recollected suddenly and covered her mouth with a withered hand. Soon after this Yagge escorted Tanya and Bab-Yagun from magic station and got busy with Shurasik. On the whole return trip to the bedrooms Tanya tried to persuade Bab-Yagun to tell her the truth, but he only reddened uncomfortably and muttered: “I can’t, gave my word... If it were not for the word...” “Word “W ord to whom?” Tanya Tanya tried to find out. o ut. “To Sardanapal?” But Bab-Yagun clearly also could not answer this question, but only frowned. For this very reason Tanya was awfully offended by him. What are they all here in Tibidox, lost their minds? They make a big deal out of everything for nothing and yet also looked askance at her somehow incomprehensibly: either as a saviour or as a leper. “Why did you let the dragons out?” She asked Bab-Yagun, in order at least to somehow tease him a little. “Ah, “Ah, I was was young young.. It seem seemed ed to me they they were were tight tightly ly locked locked up,” up,” he grow growle led d unwillingly. *** In the evening, when Tanya attempted to prepare for the next day’s lesson on evil spirits studies in order not to get hit in the face with mud in front of Medusa Gorgonova, whom Vanka Valyalkin said was awfully strict, the Reference Book of White Magician lying before her suddenly soared into the air and with enormous speed began to twirl above the table. Coffinia Cryptova joyfully bobbed up and down on the bed, brushing aside the tube of cream with which she was smearing her nose and cheeks. “Excellent! You forgot to return the book to the library, and time is up! Abdullah will curse you!” She began to yell. Tanya caught the escaping, kicking book with difficulty, ran out into the living room, and only then grasped that she did not know where the library was. It was useless to ask Coffinia, and Tanya jumped into Vanka Valyalkin’s room. Vanka, anka, push pushin ing g out out his his shar sharp p thin thin elbo elbows ws,, was was sitt sittin ing g at the the tabl tablee and and gree greedi dily ly devouring cutlets and pickles appearing in the centre of a small piece of cloth with uneven corners. Noticing Tanya, Vanka jumped in embarrassment, chewing on a cutlet. At this moment it was particularly evident how absurd he was, with sharp shoulders, hair


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sticking sticking out, but amazingly amazingly kind and simultaneously simultaneously mischievous mischievous eyes. Even his soccer shirt was special — yellow yellow, long, torn in two places, clearly brought with him from the world of the moronoids. “Oh, magic tablecloth... cut with scissors in the dining room... And I always want to eat. Only tell no one... Nevertheless, the edge of the tablecloth caught something stupid: besides besides pickles pickles and cutlets — nothing...” nothing...” he embarrassi embarrassingly ngly acknowledged, acknowledged, hiding the linen under the pillow. pillow. “Hey, what’s what’s with you?” He was surprised, accidentally acciden tally seeing the fright on Tanya’s face. Tanya waved the kicking Reference kicking Reference Book . “I haven’t returned this! The genie!” “Ah, well let’s...” Vanka Valyalkin snatched the book from her and, opening the first page, glanced at the terrible press. All previous inscriptions disappeared, and instead appeared a quite small: I WARNED YOU ... ... in flowing letters black like squid. “Got yourself in a mess! Run!” Vanka shouted and, thrusting the book under his arm, dashed along the corridor. Tanya barely managed to keep up with him. They flew past magic torches and pictures, and dodged the whimsical labyrinths of corridors. “Guard!” The magic ring on Tanya’s finger squeaked in the voice of great-grandfather Theophilus. “Bear in mind that I’ll not be able to remove this strong magic! Run quicker! Plop-plop-plop! Where are you turning, the other side!” “Hush, you!” Vanka Vanka snapped to the ring. “I know better than you where the library is!” “And I’ll ask strangers not to interfere! All sorts turn up here!” The ring got offended, but stopped talking, especially as the children had already run into the library. The library was located in the base of the Big Tower, where it occupied several huge halls, not counting the infinite number of basements. And the books, what books were here! Some were riveted by chains. Others, exactly like battleships, crept on the floor. A third set like swift little flocks fluttered under the ceiling. Two thick dictionaries with leather bindings, clearly “dark,” struck and tore to pieces a sorrowfully cheeping little magazine. The appearance of the children scared off the dictionaries, and they hurriedly took off under the shelves. The miraculously rescued little magazine jumped into Tanya’s hands. On its cover an inscription stood out in splendour: Gossips and Nonsense №10. Catching one of the slightly torn pages, she casually slid her eyes down it, and it seemed to her as if an ancient candelabrum, swinging on chains, dealt a blow to the back of her head. What will bring Tanya Grotter to Tibidox? Will she not accomplish that terrible act shown by the prophecy of The Ancient One? It is known that She-Who-Is-NoMore already victimized the girl soon after her b irth, now, when... Tanya wanted to read more, but there was nothing nothing more — the dictionarie dictionariess ate off everything. And right here someone coughed hoarsely behind her back. Tanya turned around abruptly and... saw the genie. It was not possible to mix him up with someone else. Abdullah Abdullah resembled resembled a dense veil of fog. There were seven warts on his cheeks and an enormous turban on his forehead. His face itself was white, flat as a pancake. The features appeared on it suddenly — first an eye surfaced, then the mouth... Noticing neither Tanya nor Vanka Valyalkin, the genie quickly whispered something, holding his hands like a ladle. Several wearisome seconds passed before Tanya guessed what the genie was doing precisely: he was invoking the irreversible curse.


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“Stop!” She yelled. “We brought the book!” Book and quickly and subtly leafed through The genie greedily greedily grabbed the Reference the Reference Book and it. Tanya Tanya was certain that neither a torn page nor even a pencil mark escaped him. “About “About the luckie luckiest st among among the stupid stupidest est!! Every Everythi thing ng is in order! order!”” Abdull Abdullah ah said, said, bendin bending g as from from a tootha toothache. che. “You’ “You’re re lucky lucky,, since since I did not have time to finish finish the outstanding curse specially composed for this occasion... But tremble: next time I’ll be merciless and... brief.” And, carefully pressing the book against his fragile chest, the genie leisurely floated between the shelves, muttering to himself under his breath: “About the most annoying of all of today’s annoyances! The day has passed, but I have cursed no one in particular.” “He’s “He’s not afraid to leave us here alone?” Tanya wondered. Vanka expressively drew air into his nose. His nose, though not as picturesque as BabYagun’s, drew air in not a bit quieter. “Somehow one of the ‘dark’ attempted to pinch The Black-book Manual on Falling Falling in Love. Love. He probably fell in love with Coffinia and this book was in locked access. And he chose a suitable time — at night, and sneaked around unnoticeably. unnoticeably. In short, no one really found out what happened to him... They say, Medusa and Sardanapal hardly left him, and arranged a dressing down to the genie, and nevertheless he almost threw in his towel. You’ll still see him, this fellow: such long hair, always shuddering... Hey, where are you going?” going?” Vanka shoute shouted d sudden suddenly ly,, discov discoveri ering ng that that Tanya anya had dived dived into into the book book depository. “I want to find something here... Prophecy of The Ancient One. What do you know about The Ancient One?” Tanya asked when Vanka caught up with her and they quickly went between the shelves, with thousands of whimsical check stubs looking at them. “The Ancient One? Well, he’s he’s like the greatest magician. Tibidox stands on his Hair. We We studied him in history of magic,” Vanka Vanka said not too confidently. confidently. “And everyone believes his prophecies? He neve r makes mistakes?” “Never... Indeed it’s he who devised everything — all the magic. Assembled by grains from the earliest times: something at the titans, something at the evil spirits, something at the heathen gods. He immediately separated the most harmful spells and forbade using them. And nevertheless only certain people uses them, — that is, the black magicians. And he also established Tibidox. All magicians after The Ancient One are his students and students of his students.” “And are they all difficult to raise?” Tanya was interested, recalling the name of the school. “And Sardanapal?” “Don’t “Don’t know. know. Perhaps he was also. Though it’s it’s hard to imagine: imagine: Sardanapal — and suppos supposedly edly diffic difficult ult to raise, raise,”” Vanka honestl honestly y acknowl acknowledge edged. d. “But “But in genera generall how a person will turn out all depends on that person. It happens that someone from the ‘black’ magicians passes to the ‘white.’ Bad for him among the ‘black.’ But this happens only rarely. More often it’s the other way around. Someone from the ‘white’ will start by allowing himself indulgences: utter one, another, a third ‘dark’ spell — and gets sucked in... Good though that here in Tibidox there’s such a rule: a ‘dark’ instructor cannot teach ‘white’ students black magic, and vice versa, they never reveal all shielding secrets of ‘white’ magic to a ‘dark’ student.” Observing a shelf with ancient books and leafing through a good hundred squeaking, grunting, scorching, or freezing cold volumes, Tanya became melancholy. Really she


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could actually find here what she needs? And here another kikimora from one of the covers suddenly came to life and splashed the girl’s face with musty slime. “Gotchaga, naughtyga? Don’t poke your nose herega!” It squeaked. Tanya Tanya flicked the kikimora on the nose and returned the book to the shelf. “No, we’ll never find it here...” she said dejectedly, but instantly she took heart, since the following book extracted from the cabinet was called: Prompter for Incorrigible Lazy People. On the cover a small opening was cut, the inscription above it said: Whisper a question — you’ll get the answer. “How to find what wha t you cannot find?” Tanya Tanya whispered. “Say: Checkis trackis ransackis — and then the name of the necessary object!” The Prompter shrilly and very loudly shouted. “Oh come on, what trash!” Vanka Vanka said indignantly. “I also thought that here it could cou ld not manage without a dirty trick. Imagine: you carry it to class for a test, whisper a question, and it will prompt so loudly that even the dead will come running...” “Now we’ll verify! Checkis trackis ransackis the prophecy of The Ancient One. Shaking up the ring, Tanya released a green spark. A minute minute passed passed agonizi agonizingly ngly,, one more more — nothin nothing g happene happened. d. Resolv Resolving ing not to be stressed there, Tanya decided to repeat again, but here a rustle was heard from the direction of the spiral staircase leading from the basements. Along the steps rolled a tight scroll bound by a red ribbon. Finding itself at Tanya’s feet, the scroll soared into the air and unrolled before her eyes. I, The Ancient One, the First and the Last, the founder of Tibidox, open slightly the curtain of the future...

When I glided up high on a tapestry, Appeared to me visions of prophecy. Crying of a girl lustily spread sp read in the stillness – A child was born in the taiga wilderness. Drive one crazy laughter squeaks – To the child the killer Plague sneaks. Like a flame will flare up a fiery gaze – Like a miracle will save the girl the double bass. On this earth not cowardice of place – Two loving hearts in darkness blaze. By parental death a vow is broken – Ten serene years a gift bestowen. She-Who-Is-No-More runs away crestfallen – In a child’s child’s hand death is beaten. bea ten. Fiery storm dark forces will be awoken – Magic sword is suddenly stolen. Sword will sparkle brightly, my voice will answer, answer, And the magic Hair will sever.


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Guile of immortals not possible to reckon – Even the one who cannot will commit treason. Chaos an ancient promise will realize, And She-Who-Is-No-More from the coffin will arise... And a terrible battle in that hour is beginning – The eye will close by the death of the deserving. In the finale of all waits a very curious paradox: Grotter Tatiana will obliterate Tibidox. Tibidox. It seemed to Tanya as if a cold invisible hand pierced her chest and squeezed her heart. So this is why Slander ordered to brick up basements and placed cyclopes everywhere. He feared the fulfilment of the scheduled prophecy and with all his might tried to take care of the Hair. Hair. Unexpectedly beside her emerged the genie Abdullah. Throwing a sizzling glance at Tanya, he hissed something, grabbed the scroll, and disappeared together with it, and yet a moment later a powerful spell caught and unceremoniously tossed them out of the library. “Did “Did you you read read it?” it?” She She aske asked d Vanka anka guar guarde dedly dly,, when when the the spel spelll fina finally lly stop stopped ped somersaulting him along the corridor. corridor. “It seemed to me that the scroll is generally clean. Yet I’m thinking: why were you staring at it?” Shaking himself, Valyalkin Valyalkin wondered. Chapter 10 Veterinary Magic

On the next day the first lesson was evil spirits studies. Medusa Gorgonova entered the classroom and, having nodded dryly to everyone, directed her steps to her table. Two beefy guards from re-educated shamans wheeled in a cage, in which raged a small disgusting creature, overgrown with rigid fur, yellow horns, and an unpleasant tail like a rat’s. Tanya shuddered. She was convinced that she had met him before, saw these horns — one long and the other small and curved. Exactly Exac tly,, this was Agukh! “Before you is one of the typical representatives of the evil spirits — a swamp bogey,” Medusa said in a teacher’s voice, extracting a pointer from the air. “An unpleasant, evil creature, fed by the energy of those whom it made to suffer. It possesses primitive speech skills and weak telepathic abilities. Individual unscrupulous magicians use the bogeys as messengers or accomplices in crimes... This example I caught today in my office. It was poking its nose into my papers, not grasping that I lock up boxes bo xes not merely by a key.” Explaining, Medusa carelessly pushed the pointer through the bars of the cage. Agukh instantly clicked its teeth and gnawed through the pointer in the middle. “I hate! I hate you, Gorgonova, and Tanka Grotter! Blood will soon be spilled! Much blood! I’ll gut!” The bogey began to yell. Medusa with disgust extracted from the cage a fragment of the pointer and threw it into the wastebasket.


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“You “You see what what type type this this is,” is,” as if nothin nothing g happened happened,, she contin continued. ued. “Fortu “Fortunat nately ely,, swamp bogeys are very afraid of specific spells. Here this directs special dread at them: slopis-galoshis-idiotis.”” slopis-galoshis-idiotis. Agukh, accurately doused by cold water, stopped screaming out threats and hid in a corner of the cage. “Ah, no need to say this filth to me!” It began to squeak in panic. “I’ll be good! I’ll saw off no one’s head! I’ll plant flowers and shuffle my feet!” “Wonderful,” “W onderful,” said Medusa. “You may begin.” She opened the cage and allowed allowed Agukh Agukh to get outside. outside. The childre children n exchang exchanged ed surprised glances. Really Medusa believed it? Meanwhile the swamp bogey unhappily looked around, but already a lready in a second its small eyes lit up with hatred. “I’ll kill! I’ll gut! For everyone to tremble!” It began to yell and rushed at Medusa. frontis!” Associate Professor Gorgonova pronounced Softly but distinctly. “Sparkis frontis!” The green spark bursting from her ring struck the swamp bogey in the chest and flung it away back into the cage. The door slammed shut. Medusa blew on the ring. frontis, as you know, is the main shielding spell of white “One more lesson. Sparkis frontis, magic. We call it the spell of battle spark. I sincerely recommend ‘dark’ magicians to not use it. This weapon can turn against them. Any questions? Then take it away!” The two guards grabbed the cage and carried it out of the class. “Please remember well what you just saw. I strongly I strongly advise you of this,” Medusa said, especially emphasizing the word “strongly.” At the same time she looked significantly at Tanya, as if what she said and showed mainly concerned her.

*** After evil spirits studies everyone set off for dinner, which was usually in the Hall of Two Elements — the sole quarters of Tibidox capable of accommodating simultaneously several hundred people. The black department of Tibidox was assembled on its half while the white was on its. The instructors, both white and black magicians, came down from above above along along the stairc staircase ase of Atlases Atlases,, and downst downstair airss each each already already joined joined his own department. With the white students sat the academician Chernomorov, Medusa, and Yagge, and with the black — Dentistikha, Professor Stinktopp, and the trainer of magic piloting Nightingale O. Robber. The dean Slander Slanderych, as a magician-specialist using both white and black spells, walked hither and thither, not fearing the flame. The ancient oak tables, preserving on themselves random scratches and inscriptions of various centuries, now and then very amusing, were still completely empty. While Tanya was estimating how they would have time to simultaneously lay all the tables quickly, Sardanapal walked out to the middle of the hall and threw open a small wooden chest which was in his hands. “Two “Two from the chest, identical in person, come quickly to feed us!” Sardanapal shouted. In that same moment the cover of the chest was thrown open, and from it flew out two swift whirlwinds. Squinting, Tanya made out that it was two rosy broad-shouldered fine fellows in red shirts, moving with incredible speed. In all of several seconds magic tablecloths unrolled along all the tables, and on them appeared round loaves, small white loaves, loaves, pretze pretzels, ls, meat meat dumpli dumplings ngs,, cheese cheese dumpli dumplings ngs,, fruit fruit-fi -fille lled d dumplin dumplings, gs, pies, pies,


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danishes, nut cakes, rolls, raisin cakes, and crepes with salmon or caviar. All this was in such such quantit quantity y that that it could could quench quench any appetit appetite. e. Seeing Seeing that that Bab-Y Bab-Yagun agun and Vanka Valyalkin attacked the food as if nothing n othing was the matter, matter, Tanya Tanya followed their example. It seemed to her that after Aunt Ninel’s sticky vermicelli and stewed radish she would be in a state to lay waste the entire table by herself. But it was impossible, since the more they took, the more appeared. Twenty minutes had not even gone by but it already seemed to Tanya that one more little piece and she would simply burst. Bab-Yagun, also had time to eat his fill, had a drowsy blank look, only Vanka Valyalkin alone, likely was still ready to snatch a mouthful, but he was a special case... Sardanapal clapped his hands: “Thank you, two from the chest! Perhaps, that’s enough!” The fine fellows in red shirts bowed to the waist and dived back into the small chest. Before the cover slammed shut, Gunya Glomov and his friend Yura Idiotsyudov quickly threw several bones in there. They thought that this trick would go unnoticed and they would laugh over Sardanapal, but in the same second the fine fellows with the speed of lightning again fluttered from the chest. One plugged up the noses of Glomov and his friend, and the other in the same moment tipped into the opened mouths half a jar of horseradish sauce. With loud howls, with tears streaming from their eyes, almost breathing out flame, Glomov and Idiotsyudov jumped up and hurled themselves to the exit, while the fine fellows, extremely pleased with themselves, again dived into the chest. Sardanapal smiled delicately, pretending that he noticed nothing. “Finished? Now again to work!” He gave the order. “Uh-huh! “Uh-huh! And now my favourite favourite subject — veterinary veterinary magic!” Vanka Vanka Valyal Valyalkin kin said happily, happily, pulling off from the benches the friends grown heavy from satiety. satiety. “Oh yes! Treat teeth in harpies —always dreamed about such work. With the thumb, with with the little little finger finger — why waste time time on trifle trifles?” s?” The passin passing g Coffin Coffinia ia Cryptov Cryptovaa snorted. “She somehow cannot forget forget the last project,” project,” explained explained Vanka. Vanka. “And the matter is really simple, must get the beast to trust you, suggest to it that you will not harm but want to help it. Here Tararakh, Tararakh, our instructor, turns out first-rate...” This Tararakh actually turned out to be marvellous, so marvellous that Tanya totally shared the enthusiasm of Vanka Valyalkin. True, the first minute she did not greatly like Tararakh ararakh — she was even frightened, frightened, when into the large hall with barred barred windows, windows, where it smelled strongly of dragon dung, at first was rolled in a large barrel, and then someone, nudging this barrel from behind, started to yell straight from the threshold: “Look out or you’ll get run over!” Having rolled the barrel to the middle of the class, the possessor of the loud voice with Herculean panting guided it into a vertical position and came out from behind it. Tanya stared at him thunder-struck. Tararakh was short, bowlegged, but so broad-shouldered that it seemed he was wider than tall. His hair was long, never combed, eyes black like two olives, and the lower jaw seemed simply enormous. “Hello, newbie!” Tararakh said cheerfully, waving a hand in welcome at her. “Today we’re treating mermaids. Carp louse nibbles them to death, the poor wretch; therefore they’re all terribly mean. So, it means, when I open the barrel, don’t poke your nose


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close. They’re They’re reasonable, reasonable, but only not quite. Must be careful! And don’t let a mermaid mermaid tickle you, or then it will tickle you to death! Clear?” “Clear!” Vanka Vanka answered for everyone. “Excellent! Let’s go!” Tararakh decisively pulled the cover off the barrel, and instantly a pale girl with loose green hair showed herself. “Phew, how she reeks of fish! It’ll now turn me inside out!” Coffinia said with disgust, pinching her nose. The mermaid started to laugh unpleasantly and, splashing with her tail, neatly splashed Coffinia with water from the barrel. Moreover, it also reached Rite On-The-Sly, one of Coffinia’s friends looming close-by. “Ah-ah! What has she done!” Coffinia began to yell, jumping aside to a far corner of the hall. “No matter, you’ll dry! Shouldn’t you be pleasant to her? We have such a beauty b eauty in her, and you say: she smells of fish!” Tararakh said. It was worthwhile for the mermaid to hear a compliment, as she instantly stopped hitt hittin ing g on the the wate waterr with with her her tail tail and and bega began n to spru spruce ce hers hersel elff up, up, gigg giggli ling ng in embarrassment and repairing her h er hair. Tararakh demonstrated how to prepare a solution for killing carp louse from fir cones, dandelion roots, and poisonous buttercup flowers, and deftly cleansed the mermaid’s tail with it. “You saw?” He asked. “And now your turn. Whom have I not summoned for a long time? Dollova!” Unwillingly dragging herself to the board, Dusya tried to do the same as Tararakh, but the mermaid suddenly gripped her hand and started to tickle her, and in such a way that Dusya’s Dusya’s eyes stuck out ou t of her forehead. “Well-well, calm down!” Tararakh ordered, sending Dusya to her place. “It’s because you took her by the fin! Don’t touch mermaids by the fins, they don’t like it! But here by the scales as much as you like! Who’s Who’s next?” The lesson flew unnoticeably. In any case, for Tanya. Although many blacks and even some of the whites, she felt, were not no t too pleased. “Well that’s it for now! I hope you understand everything about mermaids,” Tararakh said, after glancing glancing at the clock. “For next class I ask everyone everyone to appear in helmets. We’ll change Pegasus’ shoes, and it, the old fox, kicks wonderfully with its rear left...” The children began to disperse. Tanya together with Vanka approached Tararakh, who was nudging the mermaid into the barrel. “Ugh, help, children! Will have to release her into the pond!” He puffed, trying to close the cover on the cackling mermaid. This he finally succeeded, and, having deftly jumped up, sat on the barrel. “Tararakh, this is Tanya Grotter!” Vanka Valyalkin said. “Uh-huh, thought so! Won’t Won’t confuse you with anyone else,” he nodded. Understanding that he had her birthmark in mind, Tanya wanted to feel offended, but for some reason she could not. It was not possible possible for Tararakh Tararakh to conceal malice — he was so cheerful.


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“Probably you want to find out wh y I’m so strange?” The instructor of veterinary magic continued. “The jaw is heavy and all that? Indeed I’m not a magician at all — neither white nor black. I’m a pithecanthropus.” “A pithecanthropus? But they lived awfully long ago!” Tararakh smiled. His teeth were very large and powerful, although uneven. “You see, what kind of story turned out... Well, we likely brought down somebody, and it turned out to be a white dragon — very rare. Even among the dragons such is one in a million. Well I found this out later, probably after several thousand years. But at the time we simply wanted to gorge... And the rest who ate the dragon with me were shorter, less luck lucky y. First rst they hey swell welled ed up like ike ball balloo oons ns,, and and then then — bang bang!! Good Good that hat the pithecanthropus is not nervous in general or somebody would definitely faint... Later I was indeed told that white dragons could not exist in any case. Only eat one piece near the tail and you get immortality. So I toiled until finally Sardanapal picked me and I learn to care for magic creatures. I like this work very much.” Unexpectedly Tararakh, as if recalling something, grew gloomy g loomy.. “Here’s “Here’s another thing, children. Don’t poke your nose into the basements and tell others not to either.” either.” “You’re “You’re talking about the Walled-up Basement, where the Hair is?” Vanka Vanka asked. Tararakh shook his head: “No... there you’ll not go either: all the passages are blocked there. I’m talking about the lower basements, where the Sinister Gates are... Something has begun to shake lately: as if someone is forcing his way through from that side. I told Sardanapal and he says: indeed, don’t be alarmed. But I know that you don’t joke with the Sinister Gates! Well I’m going.. going...” .” Tararak ararakh h energet energetica ically lly tipped the barrel barrel and rolled rolled it to the exit. exit. The mermaid inside was laughing loudly: she probably liked to tumble. Returning from lessons, Vanka and Tanya Tanya discussed what they recently recen tly heard. “And what are these Sinister Gates?” Tanya Tanya asked. “Enorm “Enormous ous copper copper gates. gates. Beyond Beyond them them the jails jails begin begin exactly exactly... ... Well, ell, where where they they imprison spirits of Chaos and ancient gods. If they escaped, what nightmare would start. Everything would turn upside down, and how much blood would be spilled — rivers. But only don’t be alarmed: the Sinister Gates will never be opened. The cyclopes guard them, and generally Sardanapal also keeps an eye on them.” “And if someone nevertheless contrives to open them?” Tanya Tanya asked. “But they tell you it’s it’s impossibl impossible!” e!” Vanka Vanka repeated. “Still the Hair exists! In reality reality everything is supported by it, and the Gates only ensure. But if something happens to the Hair, then only the Gates will save everything from Chaos. Shh, you hear? Someone’s coming!” Behind the turn of the corridor someone’s footsteps were shuffling. “I’ll show you how to shoot at the ceremonial portrait of The Ancient One! I’ll have you know, piglet!” A raspy voice was heard. Along the corridor, dragging the ear of a leaning little cupid, stomped Slander Slanderych. Having almost flown into Tanya and Vanka Valyalkin, the dean very sternly looked at them and released the little cupid, breaking his bow beforehand. Picking up the fragments from the floor, the little one began to roar and took off, fluttering his little white wings and rubbing that ear crushed like a dumpling.


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“I’l “I’lll show show you! you! You’l ou’lll know know how how to break break bows bows!” !” He thre threat atene ened d Slan Slander der and, and, straightening the red suspenders, darted away into the window. window. “Interesting, what was Slander doing here? Did he come to admire the portrait of The Ancient One?” Tanya wondered when the dean disappeared. “Of course not. He was probably on the Vanishing Floor and on his way back there,” assumed Vanka. “The Vanishing Floor?” Tanya again asked. Vanka hesitated mysteriously. “It’s one of the riddles of Tibidox. The whole day it’s a floor like any floor, and then suddenly it disappears heaven knows where. Snap — it’s gone. The stairs abruptly come to an end, and further is white fog and void. Imagine? Then after some time the Floor again appears, and everything is likely in place: statues, pictures, but if someone was there or even some of the magicians, then that’s it. Those who disappeared together with the floor never returned.” “But Sardanapal? He also cannot retrieve them?” Tanya was astonished. For some reason it seemed to her that Sardanapal was all-powerful. Not without reason everybody said that he was the greatest g reatest magician since The Ancient One. Vanka shook his head: “Neither Sardanapal nor Medusa, no one... They say here’s some special form of magic. Even not magic, but generally something incomprehensible. The only thing they did, — they blocked up the Floor with this spell that not a single student could penetrate there... But nevertheless there was the case when two idlers from third year found their way there... True, this was already ten years ago.” “And then what?” “And then nothing. No one has seen them since although there are various rumours, especially among the ghosts...” Tanya shivered. “And Slander is not afraid to go there?” “Don’t know. Maybe he knows the precise time when the Floor disappears next, and perhaps hides something there... With this Slander you understand nothing at all. Like he’s black but sometimes uses white magic. All of Tibidox knows like their own five fingers that he wanders along the basements at night. Slippery character... And what kind of gaze he has — exactly like a drill,” Vanka said, shuddering. Recalling Slander’s icy glance literally freezing her at their first meeting, Tanya could not but agree with him. *** In the evening when the clock hanging in the drawing room was persistently pointing to the pillow and emitting unpleasant squeaky sounds, thus shaking from the disturbance, Shurasik suddenly went out to the middle of the room and in a trembling voice asked everyone not to break up. “Oho-ho! Now it’ll be something!” Coffinia snorted. “I bet they’re reading us a threehour lecture About the benefit of washing feet before bed . Or Theory and practice of cleaning teeth in light of recent discoveries of magic medicine.” medicine.” “Or arranging a dressing-down for me on the story with the boots,” added Vanka. Vanka. On the pale cheeks of Shurasik appeared red spots.


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“Please be quiet, please all be quiet... Don’t!” He exclaimed imploringly. “I want to do nothing of the kind! I want to ask forgiveness. To ask forgiveness of all of you — white and black. “For what? What are you up to now?” Bab-Yagun tensed up. “I hope it’s nothing to do with my vacuum?” But Shurasik did not even hear him. “I want to ask forgiveness for myself, for the fact that I am what I am... I... it hurts me that everything turns out so. I’ll without fail try to turn over a new leaf and no longer be such... a boring, haug hty know-it-all,” making an effort with himself, he pronounced. Bab-Yagun’s Bab-Yagun’s jaw even dropped: not too bad, to sa y such a thing about oneself! “And nevertheless Shurasik’s a fine fellow! I really wouldn’t be able to do this, and indeed I’m also not without reason!” He whispered to Tanya. Meanwh Meanwhile ile Shuras Shurasik ik extract extracted ed from from somewh somewhere ere a large large box filled filled with with clear clear red cardboard little hearts. “Here...” Shurasik said in embarrassment. “I made these as gifts. If someone considers that they can be friends with me and take me as I am, please take these little hearts and wear them on your chest... If not, then don’t. Simply I’ll know that you don’t like me and... and... you don’t want to have anything to do with me.” With downcast eyes, he muttered some spell, and immediately the little hearts, jumping out of the box, began to fly over to everyone, one to each who was in the drawing room. Tanya attentively examined her little heart. On it with the smallest pebbles, selected with a rare skill, was traced “WF.” “WF.” It was terrible even ev en to imagine how long it took Shurasik to prepare a whole box of them! “And what’s this ‘WF’? Wacky freak? Witless fool?” Coffinia was interested, the only one, it seems, on whom Shurasik’s speech did not produce an impression. However, it seemed Coffinia Coffinia in general could not be touched. Unless to say to her how stunning she was. “WF — ‘We ‘We be friends!’” Shurasik exclaimed almost with tears. “It means that the one, who wears this little heart of friendship, doesn’t hurt my feelings and doesn’t laugh at me! What, I’m guilty that I am what I am? Why I always have little homework?” “It goes without saying that you’re not guilty,” Vanka encouraged him and was the first to pin the little badge to his soccer shirt. After this Bab-Yagun, Rita On-The-Sly, Dusya Dollova, and also all the others did the same. Tanya sighed and followed the general example. True, to wear on one’s chest a red little heart with the inscription “WF” is indeed awfully absurd. On the other hand, if you do not pin it on — you will inflict inflict terrible terrible insult on Shurasik. Shurasik. Just think: the wretch did not sleep for several nights: cut out and glued these little badges! “I’ll wear it for about two days, and then I’ll lose it the first chance,” she thought. Of all who were in the drawing room, only Coffinia and Gunya Glomov did not pin on the little hearts; however, they also did not intend to return them to Shurasik. “I, perhaps, will pin mine on Black Curtains! They’ll be extremely pleased to receive this small present!” Coffinia stated. On hearing this, Shurasik flared up from the insult. He was about to rush to Coffinia in order to take away her badge, but suddenly his eyes started to roll, and he collapsed in a faint. Coffinia twirled a finger by her temple and, shoving the little heart into her pocket,


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left. Gunya Glomov reached out for her. Soon the rest dispersed, including Shurasik, coming to, madly batting his eyelashes, repeating: “Where am I?” “You know,” Vanka said pensively, accompanying Tanya to her room, “I’ll not tease Shurasik anymore. I didn’t suspect that he suffers so deeply.” Chapter 11 The Magic Hair

“Brought along the double bass? Great sport! I adore magic piloting! By the way, in a week we have a composite match with the werewolves,” Bab-Yagun informed her, when, leaving for Tanya’s Tanya’s first magic piloting, they passed by a cyclops. The one-eyed giant was gloomily sharpening his poleaxe, once in a while distracted from his occupation in order to pick his nose. His mad e ye was barely visible under the half-lowered eyelid. Bab-Yagun was dragging his vacuum, shinning with polished chrome-plated rim and a new lengthened nozzle on a pipe, and the grandson of Yagge bragged that the vacuum was super-high-speed. Coffinia also had an outstanding vacuum: small, compact, but it was perceived to be very powerful. Then the vacuum of Vanka Valyalkin was really old: with a dangling cord, a pipe wound with duct tape, and a motor which Vanka said would clonk out at the most inappropriate moment. Dusya Dollova and Verka Parrotova: one carried a violin, and the other a strange object with a heap of all possible rods and ledges clearly of shaman origin. The lightest burden was Shurasik’s: Shurasik’s: over his shoulder was a long mop with propellers. Half a kilometre from the gloomy huge mass of Tibidox was a large stadium, along the edges of which were located fireproof hangars with dragons. Occasionally from one or the other hangar a deep roar hitg the eardrums, eardrums, and from the openings began to pour out suffocating sulphuric smoke. The group of children children had hardly stopped stopped in the middle of the field when approaching them limped a small lopsided fellow, high-cheeked, blind in one eye, the left leg not bending at the knee while walking. On his neck hung a gold locket with the inscription: Nightingale O. Robber. Robber. Trainer Trainer of magic piloting. “What does the ‘O’ stand for?” Tanya Tanya whispered. “Odikhmantevich...” Bab-Yagun answered in a whisper. whisper. Nightingale O. Robber sullenly looked at Tanya, and then, already with a certain respect, — at her double bass: evidently, evidently, he was an expert in flying instruments. “Sardanapal “Sardanapal told me about you. You You are Grotter,” Grotter,” he said slowly through clenched teeth. “I’m sure you don’t know how to fly and you don’t know the rules...” Coffinia contemptuously giggled. Gunya Glomov began to neigh disgustingly. And even many of the whites could not keep a smile in control. Offended, Tanya wanted to say that she knew how to fly a little though indeed she did not know the rules, but she kept quiet, deciding that Nightingale Nightingale nevertheless nevertheless would not believe her. Moreover Moreover,, she was already used to being treated badly by all the blacks. Nightingale O. Robber frowned, and all the smiles disappeared at once. “Keep quiet everyone and listen! Or does someone already consider himself a pro? Now about the rules. The rules are simple: one field, ten players and one dragon to a team, five balls: sneeze, fire-extinguisher, fire-extinguisher, stun, pepper, and immobilize. Fire-extinguisher ball douses the flame for the entire game — three points. Pepper makes it necessary to


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spit out previously swallowed swallowed players — five points. After After the sneeze the dragon opens its mouth wide, which gives the possibility to throw in new balls. Two points. The dragon temporarily understands nothing after a stun ball and it can swallow players of both teams and spectators. spectators. One point. And And the most important ball — the fifth: immobilize. immobilize. It lulls the dragon to sleep. Ten points. The team that throws the immobilize ball almost wins for sure... But this ball is the most difficult to throw since it’s the heaviest and must be thrown nearly right up to the dragon. Well and in other respects the matter is simple. Five players on attack, three cover the dragon, and the remaining two prevent the dragon from swallowing team players... Game concludes in two cases: when all the balls are thrown or when all players are swallowed. Understand?” “Eh-eh, understand,” confirmed Tanya. “What do you understand, fool from a small alley? You mean: dragon — um! — and you’re in the belly! Together with your wart! Or what’s that you have on your nose?” Baring his yellow teeth, Gunya Glomov shouted. Tanya, reddening, flicked her ring finger and neatly flung a green spark into Gunya’s mouth. Usually a spark barely burnt, but the tongue is a very vulnerable place. Glomov swayed and, opening his mouth like a fish, began to bounce up and down from the pain. “A sneeze ball! Two points to the white team!” Vanka laughed. Nightingale sternly gave a cough and laughter immediately stopped. “Quiet everyone, or I’ll cast a mute spell!” He raised his voice. “In a week the decisive match between composite of Tibidox and composite of werewolves. Here, in our field. The dragons at this time of the year are preparing for hibernation and therefore more evil and more dangerous than normal.” At this moment, as if in confirmation of his words, two hangars immediately began to shake from a hoarse roar and were enveloped by black smoke. Dusya Dollova sighed, and Shurasik turned white as a sheet. Nightingale smirked sarcastically. sarcastically. He had terrible news in store: “And finally, one more thing. Since it’s a serious meeting, all dragons will be hungry, without fire-extinguishing muzzles and anti-swallow guards. Our ‘goal’ will be Goyaryn itself, if this name tells you anything...” After such tidings even Gunya Glomov turned grey. grey. “But “But what what do you you want? want? Anyone Anyone scared scared — play in the sandbox sandbox!” !” Becomi Becoming ng glassy glassy eyed, Nightingale Nightingale O. Robber shouted. shouted. “Dragonball “Dragonball — it’s it’s not simply simply the most ancient sport in the world played by the most courageous and strongest magicians! It’s life itself! Today we’ll master dodging technique... Hey, there, bring out Mercury!” The gates of the hangar nearest to them lifted up with a terrible squeak. Nine genies with difficulty held onto the chains of a straining dragon. Its golden scales sparkled in the sun, and smoke escaped from its nostrils — a sure sign that the dragon was out of sorts. In size it thrice exceeded a large horse. A whirlwind arose from the strokes of its leathery wings, and sand flew into the eyes of the children. In the red hungry eyes of the dragon was read the desire to turn everyone e veryone into a well-fried cutlet of its own preparation. Nightingale leaned over and, reaching for a small red ball from a bag, tossed it on his hands. On the side of the ball was a clasp, which made it possible to attach it to the forearm in order to not lose the ball on turns. “Outstanding “Outstanding pepper charge!” Nightingale Nightingale shouted. shouted. “As is known, dragons always always get furious after it. Who will risk flying up very near and throw it into Mercury’s mouth? I immediately warn that it will not like it. Then it will be necessary to have time to cross


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the field and dive into the dugout for players: over there at that end of the field, — the red circle outlined by magic. Well?” “And is there no calmer dragon, but this is some psycho-tank: it even strikes with its tail and completely finishes one off?” Gunya Glomov asked uncertainly. From the fact that none of the children even smiled, Tanya understood that everyone agreed with him. Even Bab-Yagun’s lips paled noticeably, but his ears, on the contrary, became crimson. Evidently, the several hours spent inside the dragon’s mouth had still not been blotted out from his memory. But even then, can such a thing be forgotten really? “Possible to pose a question? Professor Stinktopp talked about this dragon, that it brought down two American destroyers when the shielding magic over the island failed?” As always, Shurasik got in inopportunely. inopportunely. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun poked him with a fist: “Shh! It’s nauseating enough without you! You know, dragons don’t love being fired at by rockets.” Nightingale O. Robber, listening to this skirmish, smirked: “Well, you cowards! Yes, this is it, Mercury... But I was still thinking of finding among you a player for the composite team of Tibidox. After how my best forward bumped into Eyeless Horror at midnight last month, indeed a place freed up.” Tanya noticed how, with the reference of the team of Tibidox, Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin instantly shuddered and moved forward. Another second — and words would fly out of their lips, but here... here Tanya Tanya suddenly heard someone’s loud voice. “Let me!” This someone said, and when at once two-dozen eyes were set on her, Tanya understood that this voice was her own. “WHAT! You?! You’re joking, Grotter?” Nightingale pierced her with an exasperated look. But in a second the cold in his surviving pupil was already changed into malice. “Certainly, “Certainly, I won’t dissuade you! Hey, Hey, let go of the dragon!” The genies deftly pulled the muzzle off the dragon, and then, having simultaneously unfastened the chains, they jumped away. One delayed slightly and the dragon, with a stroke of a leathery wing, knocked him down like a bowling pin. The overturned genie was still somersaulting and the dragon had already taken off and was drifting above their heads, detained only by the magic barrier preventing it from leaving the bounds of the play field. Only now from the ground, ground, it became properly evident that it was enormous. enormous. Its wingspan was large and intimidating, and the long flexible tail ending with the resemblance of an arrow lashed with prodigious speed. Not without reason the nickname of the dragon was Mercury — for such an impetuous young dragon with sparkling scales there was not a better thought out nickname. Tanya lowered her eyes, but nevertheless involuntarily followed its shadow sliding along the sand. Do not be afraid. She will not perish. Nightingale will not allow this, although... although... Here she suddenly suddenly recalled that he was looking at her somehow strangely strangely — in the way all the blacks would, — with concealed hostility. “No need for Tanya! I instead of her!” Vanka volunteered, rushing to his vacuum. But, as if to spite him, his decrepit vacuum, instead of taking off, jumped about three metres and the pipe fell off. Falling onto the ground, Vanka injured his leg and bit his lip in order to not cry out from pain and vexation.


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“Valyalkin, where did you dig up this trash? It’ll not even fly as far as the dump!” Coffinia said with a sneer. “Well, “W ell, Grotter? Forward! The dragon’s dragon’s already in the sky!” Nightingale rushed. “Yes... I’m already going...” Tanya looked around in search of her double bass. “Don’t look at the dragon! Don’t look!” A voice said to her, and another jeered: “How will you throw the ball into its mouth with your eyes closed?” “Wait!” Bab-Yagun overtook her. “Remember: a young dragon’s flame is not so hot, but they’re much friskier... And remember, it flies along a straight line...” Suddenly BabYagun was seized by numbed lips, from which, in spite of all attempts, no sound was coming out now. now. Nightingale O. Robber blew on his ring, from which a red spark recently left. “No prompting! Let her investigate! I warned that I’d ca st a mute spell!” He bellowed. On legs like cotton Tanya made her way to the double bass. No one laughed: even Coffinia and Gunya Glomov for some reason subsided. Evidently then, what she was doing also in truth verged on madness. “Hold the fireproof ointment... And you’ll also put it on your hair! Smells nasty, but must be so.” Having slipped his hand into his pocket, Nightingale threw to her a flask with yellow ointment which made the eyes e yes water. water. “Vampire bile! Outstanding anti-burn! But remember: if it gets onto your tongue, you yourself will become a vampire!” Vanka shouted. “I said: no prompting!” Nightingale exclaimed, also casting the mute spell on him. “Aha! “Aha! So he reckone reckoned d that that I’ll I’ll nevert neverthel heless ess take the bile on my tongue!” tongue!” Tanya Tanya surmised, in a hurry rubbing herself with the foul smelling ointment. “Phew, how you reek!” Cryptova did not fail to wince. “Look, I’ll put it on your nose!” Tanya threatened, but unwillingly: she was not up to it. And here finally came the moment when it already became impossible to delay any longer. Tanya sat on the double bass and, whispering the spell, soared into the sky, holding the bow in one hand. “Oh, Uncle Herman! Oh, Pipa! How glad you would be!” She muttered and, having made several trial turns, began to carefully fly to the dragon from behind. First descending to the ground, then soaring, Mercury glided above the field, occasionally cutting into the magic barrier. Its long neck turned to the genies distracting it with colourful shawls from the ground. Thus far the dragon did not notice Tanya. Deciding to make use of this, the girl swiftly swept over the back of Mercury and slid along its neck. The wind gusts from the dragon’s wings flung the double bass either to one or the other side, and it was necessary for Tanya Tanya to balance with her whole body so that she would not lose control of the instrument. She already saw the two closely set eyes, the short snout, and the mouth with the lower lip jutting out. She perceived her only chance as that the dragon would not notice her for as long as possible. If she could manage to throw the ball and then abruptly race to the dugout, Mercury would not have time to singe her. her. “One... two...” Tanya began to count and, leaning over from the double bass, she already took aim in order to throw the ball into the dragon’s mouth, but here Mercury suddenly tossed up its snout. The small eyes blazing up with irritation were set on the doubl doublee bass, bass, and and a seco second nd late laterr the the open open mout mouth h was was dire direct cted ed at Tanya. anya. The The girl girl understood that she had flown carelessly up too closely and the dragon had ha d noticed her.


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At the last moment leaning to the right, Tanya made an improbable turn and, aiming the bow, she dashed to the dugout. dugou t. A jet of dragon flame flashed by quite closely. The strokes of the wings increased in frequency: frequenc y: Mercury caught up, in flight firing its flame at her. Just a little more to the dugout remained when something flashed before Tanya’s eyes. Blinded, she directed the bow too sharply, and in the next moment, tossed up by a sliding stroke of the dragon’s wing, she flew off the double bass. The instrument flew downward with the bow, Tanya herself, capsized, fell onto the dragon’s neck and mechanically — fearing only one thing: to fall — clung to it. When a second later sight returned to her and she understood what she was sitting on, she began to yell from horror and almost let go, but considered in time that to let go of the neck would be even more dangerous than remaining on it. Here, in any case, flame could not reach her. Making turns, Mercury rushed over the field and, feeling something foreign on its neck, grew more and more furious. Intercepting with her right hand, Tanya suddenly discovered that the ball was still attached to her forearm. Here, attempting to shake her off, the dragon shook its head violently, and Tanya with a deafening screech rolled down straight to its head, grabbing hold with her hands the protrusions of scales above its eyes and embracing with her legs the upper part of Mercury’s neck. Time after time Mercury abruptly shook its head, but Tanya held on tightly. Desperation gave her strength and furthermore she understood soon enough that the dragon, no matter how ridiculous, could not throw her off, in any case, while it was in the air. The mouth of Mercury was tightly closed, but even were it open, Tanya nevertheless would not be able to reach it. The mouth was located much lower, but the wide nostrils ejecting sulphuric puffs were quite close. Not thinking what would result from this but wanting only to get rid of the ball interfering with her, Tanya waited until the nostrils again began to pull in air, and, having unfastened the ball, shoved the peppery round object into the dragon’s nostril. Dragon pulled it in together with the air, and several seconds later was heard a faint plop: the pepper ball snapped into action. Suddenly the dragon threw its mouth open the whole width and sneezed so, as if a grenade exploded in its head. Tanya was literally swept off its snout, and, somersaulting, she tumbled onto the sand, having slowed down already near the ground on a safety spell. All the whites and blacks that were on the field ran to her, and behind them, with her double bass in his hands, angrily limped the lopsided trainer of magic piloting. Meanwhile the genies caught the deafeningly sneezing Mercury, which, from its own sneezes becoming louder all the time, was turning over and bumping into first one then the other magic barrier. But how could it even be otherwise when its entire body was shaking from the sneezes? “How you flew! And how you dodged! It was... was... Never saw the like!” Dusya Dollova and Verka Verka Parrotova were gushing g ushing with enthusiasm. “You were marvellous on it! I thought it burnt you, and when your double bass fell — I decided that’s it, you’re finished! And here Shurasik suddenly began to scream, even louder than a girl... But what scum nevertheless! I precisely saw that someone threw a red spark spark at you. you. Only Only who — I did not make out. out. Someon Someonee wanted wanted very much that you turned up in the dragon’s mouth!” Vanka Valyalkin heatedly exclaimed. It seems that he and Bab-Yagun somehow managed to remove the mute spell.


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“A spark?” Tanya vaguely recollected the red flash blinding her for an instant before Mercury rushed at her. Pushing Vanka aside, Bab-Yagun ran up to her. “Why did you not dodge? I tried to say: it’s quicker on a straight line, you dodge! But marvellous all the same! Never saw someone stop a dragon this way!” Bab-Yagun exclaimed. The children made room. Nightingale, short of breath, forced his way forward. He first opened then shut his mouth, mou th, obviously not finding what to say. “Well “W ell G-g-g-Gro G-g-g-Grotter! tter!”” He finally finally puffed. puffed. “I’ve “I’ve played played dragonball dragonball for four hundred hundred years and that was the first time I’ve seen a pepper ball thrown into the dragon’s nostril! Four hundred years! And though it’s not against the rules, but... Ugh! Take your double bass and march from here!” And Nightingale Nightingale jabbed with a finger in the direction direction of the locker room. Someone from the blacks started to neigh. Tanya did not even turn in order to find out who. She got up dejectedly and, embracing her instrument, she meandered from the field. She She was was certa certain in that that every everyth thin ing g was was done done for for. Ten step steps, s, twent twenty y... The The load load of disapp disappoint ointmen mentt became became complet completely ely unbear unbearable able,, but here here the voice voice of Nighti Nightingal ngalee overtook her: “Hey, Grotter! Rest now, but tomorrow you are at training! I’m taking you into the team!” Behind Tanya’s back someone disappointingly yelled and collapsed heavily on the sand. Coffinia Cryptova could not stand it when someone was lucky. *** The whole evening the freshmen buzzed in the common room. They could not come to their senses, time after time reliving events of the day. day. “You know how alarmed Nightingale was when your double bass began to fall! He caught it with some spell and did not allow it to break! He was even less shaken, in my opinion, about you than about your double bass,” said Vanka Vanka Valyalkin. Valyalkin. “The match with the werewolves — a serious matter. Twice they have beaten Tibidox. And what a dragon the werewolves have! Horror! Dodges balls then swallows swallows forwards like candies. Not without reason Nightingale put as ‘goal’ Goyaryn itself,” Bab-Yagun said thoughtfully. “And if you get bitten by a werewolf, you will indeed become a werewolf? Yes?” Dusya Dollova, treating Tanya to chocolates, was interested. Dusya had a terrible sweet tooth, in contrast to Vanka, Vanka, who, though eternally hungry, did not like sweets. “What, such cases happen?” ha ppen?” Tanya Tanya was tense. “No,” said Bab-Yagun. “But “But I read read in History History of Dragonball Dragonball tha thatt yes,” yes,” Shuras Shurasik ik barged barged in. “W “When hen the werewolves like some player of a different team, they think: ‘Aha! And why not entice him to us?’ Only for business that they bite.” Shurasik appeared contented and pacified. To To be sure: indeed now everyone was friends with him! On the chests of almost everyone in Tibidox, with the exception perhaps of Coffinia, were pinned his little red hearts.


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*** The entire week before the match Tanya was training together with the composite team, where she was the youngest. Besides her, in the team there were four “dark” students and five “white.” Moreover, they did not carry out training haphazardly but with Goyaryn. It more or less recognized the other members of the team, but here it could perfectly still fire a flame at Tanya, although she also tried to flicker in its eyes more often than Goyary Goyaryn n was accust accustomed omed to. Furtherm Furthermore ore,, based based on the example example of Goyary Goyaryn n and Mercury Tanya learnt that dragons could not stand it when someone flew on top or on the side of them, while a player approaching from below would not provoke such irritation in them. True, from below it would be easier to get hit by the tail, and this was even more dangerous than being swallowed. The trainer of magic piloting behaved sufficiently strangely with respect to Tanya. It seemed Nightingale stared at her from a distance, stared hostilely but at the same time seemingly with a certain respect. At training he gave her the most difficult tasks, forcing her to fly on the double bass, even when the rest of the team was no longer training. As a result by the evening Tanya dound herself totally exhausted and fell asleep over the notebooks on evil spirits studies or exercises on theoretical magic. But she definitely would not allow herself to do that for removal of evil eye. And although Dentistikha treated her seemingly with sympathy, it did not prevent her at all from casting the same spells on Tanya as on the rest of the class. This intense rhythm of life temporarily forced Tanya to forget about the prophecy of The Ancient One, the mysterious proximity of Plague-del-Cake either dead or alive, and the mysterious appearance of Agukh in Medusa’s office. Only once in the evening a strange incident resurrected all these unpleasant moments in her memory. It happened when, returning from a late training, she strayed in the intricate corridors of Tibidox and again turned up in the Tower of Ghosts. Unexpectedly somewhere in front on the corridor muffled voices were heard. Not wanting to face the local inhabitants, Tanya in a hurry dived behind a large plaster vase and lurked there. The voices approached. Carefully looking out, Tanya saw that along the corridor, not touching the floor with his feet, went Lieutenant Rzhevskii, and next to him slowly flowed a disgusting essence with a small bald head and in a blood-splashed white shirt. The eyes looked like black holes, and Tanya Tanya surmised that this was Eyeless Horror, Horror, the ghost of the “dark” part of Tibidox, about whom she h ad heard so much. “Did you notice nothing no thing strange in recent days?” Eyeless Horror spoke hoarsely. “Uh-huh, I do! My jokes with the noses amuse no one! And no one fixes the knives for me! And also, when at Yagge’s Yagge’s I spilled a cauldron with some potion, she hurled a ladle at me! Imagine, at a ghost!” Lieutenant answered with a crazy chuckle. Eyeless Horror winced with annoyance. His words were already almost indiscernible and reached her in fragments. “Blockhead! He was not in the caves? Now it’s clear to all that she has an ally here. He opened the way... Nameless Basement... Soon the evil spirits will finish the work, and then...” Unexpectedly Horror broke off and stared at the vase behind which Tanya hid. “Wait, I heard a rustle. Someone’s eavesdropping!” He said hoarsely and, puffed up, with which he made himself h imself still more disgusting, began to flow to the vase.


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Tanya was prepared to shout the scare away spell Briskus-quickus! spell Briskus-quickus! but here from a little narrow corridor leading from the basements emerged Slander Slanderych. Noticing him, both ghosts retreated in a cowardly manner manne r. The balding dean of Tibidox, dressed in a dark raincoat, stopped across from the vase and suspiciously looked around. Tanya perceived that something sharp smelling was coming from him and her eyes started to water as then in the field. Afraid that he would notice her, Tanya even stopped breathing, but Slander seemed to have already noticed her because he suddenly asked: “Are you here? The ghosts didn’t frighten you?” His voice sounded affectionate. Deciding that it was senseless to hide any longer, Tanya Tanya looke looked d out out from from her her refu refuge. ge. On seei seeing ng her, her, Slan Slander der Sland Slandery erych ch for for some some reas reason on shuddered, and then began to yell already in a quite different voice: “And what are you doing here, Grotter? Well, march to your room! Your marks will be lowered according to your behaviour!” Tanya, struck by this change, pulled her head into her shoulders and whisked to the stai stairs rs.. Alre Already ady along along the the way it sudd suddenl enly y came came to her that that Sland Slander er was was behav behavin ing g strangely. Very strangely. Moreover, he was definitely frightened of her. And did he even expect to meet her here at all? Shurasik was sitting in the common drawing room and managing to quickly read four dictionaries and two reference books. Furthermore, next to him was even a very thick Professor Z.A. Dullin. Additional Additional exercises for book, on the cover of which appeared: Professor those with little homework . “Shurasik, if a magician sprinkled or rubbed on himself something reeking amazingly, what does it mean?” Seizing the opportunity, opportunity, Tanya Tanya asked. Shurasik detached his sharp nose away from the textbooks and thoughtfully stared at her. “Well... first, from fire, if it’s vampire bile... Well, and finally, strong smells lure the evil spirits,” he answered. “Lure? You You wanted to say ‘frighten away’?” Tanya was astonished. “I said what I wanted to say! The evil spirits adores any stink,” Shurasik was offended and, plugging his ears with his h is fingers, again was buried in the books. *** On the eve of the match the werewolves arrived in the evening. These were strong stocky guys, something something like the adult friends of Pipa, with the only difference difference that their cheeks and all the hands, with the exception perhaps of the palms, were covered with silvery fur. The names of the werewolves were all in the same manner: Grush, Tush, Frush, Dush, and more of the same. Their captain was called Tobush. He differed from his friends with double the overall dimensions and several scars on his gloomy face. Even Guny Gunya Glom Glomov ov thoug thought ht that that he woul would d not not wish wish to meet meet him him in human human guise guise and and especially not as a wolf. As far as the trainer was concerned, he was very abnormally strange among the werewolves. Dwarfish in built, hardly reaching the waist of his players, but very stocky and terribly quarrelsome quarrelsome.. It seemed the only thing he did was to shout at his players. players. At the same time a black locket on his neck dangled from side to side.


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The werewolves spent the night in one of the guest rooms in the Tower of Ghosts. Next morning Lieutenant Rzhevskii, inclined to gossip, rushed along the entire Tibidox and swore to everyone that at night he heard wolf howls from the room they occupied. Lieutenant Lieutenant was so fascinated fascinated that he lost two knives and fell into a deep depression, depression, not knowing where to find them. Vanka Valyalkin also did not sleep this night. At midnight he always woke up with an indef indefat atig igabl ablee appet appetit ite, e, whic which h the the monot monotono onous us cutle cutlets ts and and pick pickle less of his his maim maimed ed tablecloth could no longer quench. And then Vanka set off for the kitchen, where an acquainted poltergeist Lomunkin with pleasure threw to him hams and cakes. But that night the customary flow of the trip to the kitchen was broken. Vanka, deftly dodging from the hailstorm of grocery rained down on him by the captivated poltergeist cheeping in ardour, was just roasting for himself wieners on a frying pan when someone’s footsteps were heard in the corridor. corridor. Dropping everything as it was, Vanka Vanka reached the large copper cauldro cauldron n and lurked lurked there. there. After severa severall seconds seconds Medusa Medusa entere entered d the kitche kitchen n and suspiciously suspiciously looked looked around. around. The poltergei poltergeist st threw an onion onto her head and cowardly cowardly hid in the cabinet. “Ah, so who made noise here... Look, quiet here!” Medusa grumbled, lowering onto a stool. Soon, carefully looking out from the cauldron, Vanka ascertained that Medusa appeared at night in the kitchen not for pies or pancakes. She was clearly waiting for someone, but whom? It became clear when Dentistikha slipped into the kitchen, on the way reading a Greek book in her hand, the pages illuminated by b y a light flying in front of her. “You “You already here?” Vanka Vanka heard the voice of Dentistikha. “Yes,” “Yes,” answered Medusa. “We “We need to talk. Lately in our school strange things are taking place. The evil spirits in the basement, strange voices, the theft of the sword from the world of the moronoids. Finally then, the girl is already here... I think all this is connected with the prophecy. More precisely, precisely, with its last part.” “You’re talking about Guile of immortals not possible to reckon – Even the one who cannot will commit treason?” treason?” Dentistikha asked with understanding. “Yes. The Ancient One warns: must wait for the blow from that one who it’s not possible to suspect in any way...” “And whom do you suspect?” Dentistikha asked. Medusa lowered her voice: “Does it not seem to you that Slander is behaving be having very strangely?” “Slander Slanderych?” Dentistikha was astonished. “You “You think, him?” “I think think nothing nothing,” ,” Medusa Medusa said coldly coldly.. “I bring only facts. facts. He sighs sighs all the time, time, disappears somewhere. Twice I saw how he was talking to himself. Now and then I think: is someone in charge of his will?” “Nonsense! Slander was always somewhat strange! You You don’t have any proof. But why, why, for example, not Sardanapal? Here’s indeed someone completely not possible to think of,” smiled Dentistikha. “Recently I saw how he for some reason stole into the basement along that ancient stairway which leads to the Sinister Gates.” “Nonsense!” Medusa interrupted her indignantly. “Sardanapal will not steal anywhere! He is the head of Tibidox. Tibidox. Not necessary necessary for him to hide from anyone... I thought you’d give me advice, Deni, but you flog nonsense! If something happens soon to the Hair, you know what it can lead to. The Gates will be under threat, and also the whole existence of


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our world! She-Who-Is-No-More is dangerous for you, the blacks, not a bit less than for us, the whites. Medusa turned energetically and left, slamming the door. “Wait! I know what he did for you, but I wanted to say nothing of the kind! Let’s discuss this!” Dentistikha shouted. Grabbing hold of whatever came near her hand, she hurriedly piled the book with the wieners hissing on the frying pan and rushed after Medusa. Vanka rushed out from the cauldron. “Well “W ell,, and action actionss are going going on here here in Tibid Tibidox! ox! They’re They’re wander wandering ing everyw everywher here. e. Swiped my sausage!” He thought dejectedly. *** At ten in the morning the fog finally dissipated. It was due partly to the sun hanging over the stadium stadium and partly partly to Profe Professo ssorr Stinkt Stinktopp’ opp’ss effor efforts, ts, with with whom whom Slander Slander Slanderych, chosen as the senior referee, was whispering about something for a long time. Nightingale and the werewolf trainer Shush were appointed as arbiters. Both teams came out onto the field and formed two lines beside the referee. So far the dragons were not led out: they were locked up in opposite hangars shuddering from their roars. Bab-Yagun, distressed that he was not chosen for the team, again offered himself to Sardanapal as commentator. commentator. “Taking “Taking a risk. Only see that they would not again arrange the dark for you. Not tired of walking in a cast?” The academician gave permission and ordered Medusa to bring BabYagun the magic mouthpiece. Sardanapal appeared tired. In his hands Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun noticed a slender little brochure The Magician Chernomor. Training Training and Suppression of Beards. Preparation of Subordinating Tincture for Animated Moustaches. The head of Tibidox was constantly looking into it as if searching for something, and following inattentively the match under way. way. “And here, dear friends, we live to see a new match between the composite team of Tibidox and the composite team of the werewolves, c oming to us from a distance — from the Bryansk woods. It goes without saying: the meeting is expected to be rough. The werewolves — a very strong team, solidly occupying a place in the top three. The sun vividly sparkles in the rims of their new powerful vacuums.” Envy was heard in BabYagun’s agun’s voice resounding over the field. “The Eight-hundred Eight-hundred model Turbo, Turbo, two waste waste bins, chrome-plated pipes, and a built-in device for vertical takeoff! And this is only the basic basic model, model, I’m even not talkin talking g about about the designer designer gadgets gadgets and many forbidden forbidden talismans, which they for sure have hidden somewhere inside the vacuums. It’s not surprising that with this technology they sometimes succeed in winning...” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun coughed, but Yagge Yagge quickly waved her sleeve and the cough stopped. At the same time in one of the sectors the third bench together with everyone sitting on it collapsed with a crash. “Gotten into a mess? If someone from the fans of werewolves wants to give me the evil eye again, don’t bother. I’m protected by my granny...” Bab-Yagun warned. “And here it is — my favour favourite ite compos composite ite team! team! Team Tibidox! Tibidox! Number one Zhora Zhora Zhilki Zhilkin, n, the unsurpassed unsurpassed master master of levitation levitation and three-dimens three-dimensional ional displacement, displacement, managing managing with strong desire alone to move into the radio studio of a popular TV show, from where they


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took him away to Tibidox. Unfortunately, Zhora doesn’t like vacuums, preferring a mop with propellers. ‘Thanks, at least it’s not a broom,’ my friend Vanka prompts me... Number two Damien Goryanov from the black magicians, outstanding player and a favourite student of Professor Stinktopp. There is only one ‘but.’ Even tea turns sour from his glance, in consequence of which he always eats separate from the others. Vacuum of model Storm-100U. Very fast, but, unfortunately, a hard to control machine... Number three, Katya Lotkova, a member of the group for protection of dragons. A likable Dirt vacuum, hanging with inoffensive amulets. In the world of the moronoids all the boys without exception fell in love with Katya, until finally her entire house and the asphalt next to it became used up by painted painted declarations. declarations. When it became clear that it couldn’t couldn’t be done without magic, they brought Katya to Tibidox. The dragons simply adore her, and even not only the dragons...” Bab-Yagun’s ears slightly reddened. “Eh-eh... I was distracted... I continue... Number four, Seven-Stump-Holes, outstanding forward with surprising reaction. He got to Tibidox after he solved in six and a half minutes all the problems in the city test for mathematics, after which from boredom he transformed his teacher into an otter. Number six, Rita On-The-Sly, guitar with a trailer of the model Dinghy-Reagent. No one knows what she will do in the next minute, including on the field... Number seven — captain of the team Yura Yura Idiotsyudov. Idiotsyudov. Excellent organi organizer zer,, great great authori authority ty.. One weaknes weaknesss — extrem extremely ely quickquick-tem temper pered. ed. He came to Tibidox after fighting a hundred and seventeen times in a week with the entire class because he too zealously checked everyone’s changed footwear, the teacher did not even ask him to do it. The gift of regeneration. His scratches and abrasions heal in countable minute minutes. s. Number Number eight, eight, Roma Roma Kisly Kislyakov akov,, the group group for protect protection ion of dragons dragons.. A Burdock-Diesel wet-dry vacuum, an enormous and clumsy machine, which, however, is better not to collide with in the air — will take one down on the spot. Only, the dragons never swallow him. The reasons are obvious: indeed must take a shower sometimes... Number nine, Liza Zalizina. Not afraid of fire. In the moronoid world she managed not to be burnt in a terrible fire, which, by the way, she set. Forward. A flying flying cuckoo clock. The cuckoo, by the way, pecks very painfully... And finally number ten — forward Tatiana Grotter, trainer’s recent find. A real queen of flight, best of all I’ve seen! Her ancient double bass is the work of Theophilus Grotter — exceptionally fast and manoeuvrable at the same time...” The voice of Bab-Yagun was lost in the noise of the spectators. The stadium began to drone. Thousands of people turned to Tanya. It was no longer necessary to present her: the name spoke for itself. All the werewolves at once fixed their eyes on her, and their trainer Shush began to whisper something rapidly to captain Tobush, for whom, in order to reach the trainer’ trainer ’s ear, it was necessary to lean nearly to the ground. “Yagun better shut up! Here’s a yapper! Now wait for meanness from the werewolves. No matter, any werewolf hits me, I’ll also bite Yagun later: he’ll chatter less next time!” Tanya thought with annoyance. She was ready to fall through the earth from the universal attention to her person. Fortunately, this did not continue for long. Both hangars were opened at once at a sign of the referee, and the genies led out the dragons, which instantly switched the attention of the spectators. Huge Goyaryn, with a wingspan so wide that it was prevented from even manoeuvring inside the shielding dome, came out, barely noticing the fifty genies hanging onto it. The


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dragon of the werewolves was a little smaller but not a bit less dangerous. Fast, very solidly built, with a wide mouth and greenish scales, it immediately angrily stared at Goyaryn with the closely planted yellow eyes and began to roar provocatively. Goyaryn did not like this at all and breathed out flame. Now, when two large dragons showed themselves in the field together, it suddenly seemed to Tanya tight and uncomfortable. She wanted to jump on the double bass sooner and to soar upward where it was much more spacious. Moreover, she felt much more confident in the air. air. “In vain! Here you’ll see: we’ll crash for sure! Or, if we don’t crash, the dragon will devour us!” Tanya Tanya heard the squeaking squeaking voice of her magic ring. “Argue what you want, what if something bad happens? My gilding itches, and it’s not a good sign! Get this straight!” “Keep quiet!” “I’ll “I’ll not keep quiet! I’ll croak! We’ll We’ll crash, will crash, will crash!” crash!” The ring began to shake in senile obstinacy. Fortunately, it grumbled so that it wasted its conversational magic in less than five minutes and was soon quiet. However, it succeeded in spoiling the mood. “The “The match match will will begin begin any minute minute now,” now,” Bab-Y Bab-Yagun continu continued ed to rattle rattle merril merrily y. “Almost all the preparations are completed. Slander Slanderych, the most impartial and simultaneously most good-natured referee in the world, prepares to give the signal to the genies so that they will let go of the dragons. The arbiters carried out five flying balls — sneeze, fire-extinguisher, stun, pepper, and immobilize. Now it’ll only depend on the players, who will seize the first initiative...” Slander Slanderych, clearly agitated by the words of Bab-Yagun about his geniality, with a sour face waved to the genies, and they at once unfastened all the chains. The dragon of the werewolves took off first, and behind it also Goyaryn. In the same moment the twenty players broke away from the ground and dashed to the balls escaping from them. Tanya, having had time already to acquire some experience, immediately separated from the base group and soared upward upward — under the same magic dome, and from there, having seen where a stun ball nearest nearest to her was located, rushed to it. The rumble of the werewolves’ vacuums was heard somewhere below and the dragon of the werewolves already strove for Rita On-The-Sly craftily dodging on her guitar with a trailer. “Oh, my granny mama!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun exclaimed. “What a sharp start! start! Someone Someone of the werewolves — Grush, Tush, or Dush, — I cannot make out more precisely, is rushing to Goyaryn with a sneeze ball. Roma Kislyakov intercepts the ball and passes to his captain Idiotsyudov... Oh what carelessness! Rita On-The-Sly cut into one of the defensive players of the werewolves. I argue for a new nozzle for the vacuum, it was especially left vulnerable. The dragon of the werewolves makes use of this and... nightmare! Rita OnThe-Sly swallowed at the very beginning of the match! We hope that nothing will happen to her her, but but ther theree rema remain in only only nine nine play players ers in team team Tibid ibidox ox... ... Imme Immedi diat ately ely thre threee werewolves with captain Tobush in lead break through to Goyaryn with the immobilize ball... Will they really throw it? Dangerous moment! Defence is late, but... what a blow with the tail! ta il! Well-done Well-done Goyaryn! The vacuum vacuu m fell apart in the air. A werewolf is hanging by the shawl-parachute, and captain Tobush hurriedly drags him away to the dugout, where, most probably, he’ll change to the captured guitar of Rita On-The-Sly... The immobilize ball bounces off Goyaryn’s teeth, never falling into its mouth... Seven-Stump-


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Holes breaks away forward... Outstanding, Outstanding! Tanya Grotter goes around two werewolves and passes him the stun ball. Plunk! The dragon of the werewolves swallows the ball and immediately begins to turn confusedly on the spot, shooting flame at its own defence! Slander... excuse me, Slander Slanderych... raises the tablet with one point. Could give, by the way, also a two, but it’s possible to expect that from such a si... Gran Granny ny,, don’t don’t nudg nudgee me! me! I want wanted ed to say ‘since ‘sincere re refe refere ree. e.’’ What do I see! see! The The werewolves with their famous wedge attacks Goyaryn, literally sweeping aside Katya Lotkova. Really again a ram attack? When will they finally put an end to this rough play? Where are the arbiters looking? Katya Lotkova lands. Her vacuum is damaged. She cannot continue with the game. It seems to me, I see tears in her eyes. Do anything, Professor! Must stop the possibility of rough play at the very beginning!” Bab-Yagun leaped up from indignation and was about to turn to Sardanapal, but saw only his back. Chernomorov quickly quickl y went off somewhere, accompanied by the astonished look of Medusa. But Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun did not have h ave time to think where Sardanapal disappeared to. The match continued. “Attention! Dangerous moment! A forward of the werewolves — it seems, it’s Grush — throws throws a ball ball — I did not have time time to notice which which — to Goyaryn Goyaryn’’s throat throat,, but himself also doesn’t manage to slip away himself! Goyaryn swallows him. The ball explodes in its throat and the recently swallowed werewolf shoots out like a bullet. The dragon’s sneeze properly stunned him. Anyway Anyway you slice it — the goal was hammered in! To the werewolves credited five points — they’re pulling ahead! But team Tibidox will not surrender! Zhora Zhilkin intercepts a fire-extinguisher ball and passes it to Tanya Grotter. Three werewolves tightly surround Tanya, and one, it seems, captain Tobush himself, switching on the jet acceleration, approaches from below. This, undoubtedly, is an attempt at a ram attack, but... What a dive! The werewolves did not even expect that such a thing is possible. Tanya tries to slip away from the trap. One of the werewolves almost cuts her off, but his locket is caught on a pin of the double bass. The chain broke and the locket falls! Incredible! Without the locket the werewolf immediately changes into a wolf. Now it’s understood why they need the lockets. The wolf attempts to hold onto the vacuum, but the paws slide down, and it falls. Excellent punishment for the rough play! Now it is necessary for quite a few medics to bustle: certain they in life have not met another such biting flat cake!” Again somewhere a bench cracked and someone howled resentfully. “Well done, granny! The commentator must be protected... What do I see! Tanya Grotter beats the defence, dives under the snout of the dragon, avoids the clanking teeth and — throws the ball! The spell works! Instead of flame the dragon of the werewolves now breathes out only inoffensive smoke.” Having thrown the ball, Tanya again soared to the very top of the magic dome and began to wait while the next ball — and they had only two left — flew up closer. She sensed this unity with the double bass, which she had never experienced before. It obeyed any movement of the bow, and even the werewolves on their vacuums no longer dared to aim for her. Having demonstrated this, Tanya Tanya could not hold back and rushed past in front of the very nose of their captain, but he, seeing already that she could not be caught, only maliciously clicked his teeth. The battle was in full swing. The benches roared. Liza Zalizina and Damien Goryanov, pursuing the immobilize ball, bumped their foreheads. Sneezing to get rid of an unpleasant sensation, the gone mad Goyaryn swallowed at once two werewolves and, the saddest, together with them the captain of team Tibidox Yura


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Idiotsyudov. A moment later Goyaryn negligently spit out his vacuum exactly like the husk husk of seeds. seeds... .. Seven-S Seven-Stum tump-H p-Hole oless waved waved his hand, hand, attract attracting ing Tanya’ anya’ss attent attention ion... ... Indeed: to the right flickered the immobilize ball which the werewolves were already rushing to. Pressing her chest against the double bass, Tanya extended in front the hand with the bow bow and rush rushed ed forw forwar ard, d, cour courag ageou eousl sly y rush rushin ing g into into the the tiny tiny spac spacee betwe between en the the werewolves. She caught the immobilize ball which hit her palm painfully, and at the last moment dived sharply downward, getting away from pursuit. Tobush angrily yelled something at her, clearly threatening, but the girl was already fixed on the green dragon. However, when she flew up to it, it turned out that the ball was no longer longer necessary necessary.. The defence defence did not take suffic sufficien ientt care care and both both dragon dragonss — Goyaryn Goyaryn and the green — grappling with each other in the air, with strokes strokes of the wing tossing all the players accidentally finding themselves beside them. It would be folly to butt in now — Tanya would simply be crushed between the dragon bodies. “Did you see that?” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun overstrained himself. “What a scuffle in the air! What a stunning battle! The enraged ‘goals’ are exchanging blows with their tails, in the course go the teeth, wings... I would not want to again turn up in the stomach of Goyaryn this time, time, though though,, possib possibly ly,, now it’s it’s the safest safest place, place, if, of course, course, the troubl trouble-m e-maker aker Idiotsyudov did not start a brawl with the werewolves inside. What do the arbiters decide? Where is the referee? Where, finally, are the on-duty magicians? Never before has a skirmish of the teams passed into a fight of the ‘goals’...” Suddenl Suddenly y Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n broke broke off. off. The platfo platform rm on which which he was standi standing ng shot shot up abruptly. Along the ground ran a deep crack, into which both arbiters miraculously did not fall. The benches fell, many spectators fell on one another. Something began to drone underground and broke with a dry crack as if a tightly stretched thick rope was broken. The main tower of Tibidox shuddered. It seemed that even it would collapse any minute now, but the tower resisted. An indistinct male voice thrice exclaiming: “Fear Chaos!” burs burstt from from the the baseme basement ntss of Tibid ibidox ox and swep sweptt acro across ss the the fiel field. d. Both Both drag dragons ons unexpectedly released each other and despondently pressed against the ground, just like frightened dogs. The match was interrupted by itself, even despite the fact that no one stopped it: the main referee Slander had disappeared somewhere not long before these strange events. The instructors whispered among themselves, jumped up from their places, and rushed to Tibidox alone or in twos. The genies in a hurry forced the dragons into the hangars. They for some reason did not resist, and even returned the swallowed players without any objection. There was a good shine under the eyes of both werewolves: it was obvious that Yura Idiotsyudov gave them a proper beating, getting off himself with only a torn sleeve and several scratches. No one understood anything. Dusya Dollova shouted that an earthquake started, and Coffinia asserted that the titans escaped. Everything was explained only when Sardanapal mounted the swaying swaying platform. platform. He was pale, tattered, tattered, his moustaches moustaches drooping weakly, weakly, and the beard wound around his neck three times. The academician snatched the mike from Bab-Yagun. Bab-Yagun. His voice shook: “I ask everyone to remain calm. While the match was going on, someone stole into the Nameless Basement and cut the magic Hair, freeing the voice of The Ancient One located in it, and disappeared after that in the path dug by the evil spirits! The cyclops was not


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able to hinder him. The end has arrived for peaceful life. I’m certain soon we’ll hear about Plague-del-Cake...” Chapter 12 Gyes, Cottus, and Briareus

The next morning at practical magic Professor Stinktopp appeared extremely contented. He rocked himself in the hammock, dangling the slightly bent thin legs, and happily explained how to prepare a blend for invisibility from fern flowers and shark oil. When the work came to practice, nothing turned out even for Shurasik, and for Vanka Valyalkin only the head became invisible. invisible. Lieutenant Lieutenant Rzhevskii, seeping through the wall into the class, seeing the headless body stirring the cauldron with a spoon, howled from horror and rolled out on the empty Wheelchair, wailing that a new ghost had appeared in Tibidox. “Now! And now I vant to make note of somezing else!” Professor Stinktopp said, as always with an accent, with a flick of the finger returning Vanka’s head to being visible. “I’m certain zat all of you are disturbed by yesterday’s incident and you ask yourselff vhy someone needed to snip-snip ze magic Hair? Vhat in general is zis Hair of Ze Ancient One and how does it differ from a feazer of ze vhite crow, hoofs of a centaur, scales of a dragon, and ozer magic object? Ze Hair of Ze Ancient Ancient One is not a magic object — it is ze boundaries! boundaries! Vhen Ze Ancient One founded founded Tibidox, Tibidox, he had need for borders borders betveen light and darkness, betveen good and evil, betveen order and chaos. You understand ze depz of his zought? I myself did not grasp its depz! He took his own hair and installed zis hair as boundaries. Vhile ze Hair vas whole, nozing zreatens! You see ze border in ze big hall vhere ze fire separates ze light and ze dark? Exactly under zat hall in ze great depz of ze Valled-up Basement ze Hair was stored! Only one gold sword could cut it, and zerefore they hid it in ze vorld of ze moronoids. Someone stole ze sword almost before Grotter’ Grotter’ss eyes, and she flop-flop! flop-flop! — did nozing!” Here Professor Professor Stinktopp Stinktopp poked a finger at Tanya Tanya and, gathering his wrinkled face in his fist, fist, demonstrat demonstrated ed how precisely precisely she did “flop-flop.” Coffinia burst out laughing, and together with her almost all the blacks burst out laughing. Tanya did not doubt that the whole day today they would tease with her “flopflop.” “Now! And now, vhen zere is no more Hair, Tibidox does not haff on hand reliable magic protection and anyzing zat you like can happen. Now guarding us only ze Sinister Gates, Gates, zus far no one had opened opened zem!” zem!” Profe Professo ssorr Stink Stinktop topp p conclud concluded ed his story story,, shooting a glance at the clock. The eye already lit up on it, reminding that the lesson of Dentistikha was to start soon. “Class ofer! You may go!” Professor Stinktopp decided. His hammock was pulled to the ceiling, where on the floor above Professor Stinktopp had his office, which he preferred to pass through a hatch in the floor to get to. “‘Anyzing zat you like can happen!’” Bab-Yagun mimicked. “Old felt boot! Pity that he did not reach the titans then! Granny said that he was already in the basement attacking with his fists a cyclops who accidentally came across him. The cyclops first decided that it was someone from the evil spirits and almost beat him up, but then recognized him, caught him, wrapped him up in a hanky, and brought him to magic station where my granny quickly cured him of surplus of courage.”


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Tanya snorted, imagining how absurdly a combative Professor Stinktopp would look, moving about in the not very clean hanky of the cyclops. Continuing to discuss the news, the friends left for removal of evil eye. e ye. To their surprise, Medusa Gorgonova instead of Dentistikha appeared in class. She looked gloomy and concerned. “Don’t be surprised! I’m taking her place today,” she dryly said. “Dentistikha is helping Slander Slanderych install additional bolts on the Sinister Gates. After what happened yesterday, it seems entirely essential. The cyclopes assert that all lower levels of Tibidox are literally filled with evil spirits. True, for the time being we’ve managed to hold them in check... I’m sure now you’ll treat my subject much more seriously.” seriously.” “Ah! But if the Sinister Gates are opened!” Verka Verka Parrotova exclaimed in panic. “It’s impossible,” Medusa coldly broke her off. “And now all get out your notebooks!” With an elbow Tanya unnoticeably nudged Vanka Vanka Valyalkin Valyalkin sitting next ne xt to her: “Listen, but indeed Slander and Dentistikha are ‘dark’? Really possible to entrust them to cast spells and place bolts? What if they play on the side of Plague-Del-Cake?” She whispered. Vanka pressed his head into his shoulders and fearfully glanced up. Long ago Tanya had noticed that all magicians avoided uttering the name “Plague-Del-Cake” but said “She-Who-Is-No-More.” It is also understandable: who wants something bad to happen to you in the next minute? “Black magicians fear Her not a bit less than we do,” whispered Vanka. “She-Who-Is No-More is for Chaos. You know what she wanted? To free all ancient dark gods imprisoned in Tibidox, to release the spirits of destruction and to absorb their strength into herself. Indeed even she herself was once under Tibidox, but contrived to escape, long ago already, already, when the shielding shielding magic failed. And where Chaos is, there is already no place for good and evil, there is already nothing, no boundaries. And why Sardanapal allows the ‘dark’ to cast the spells, it’s understandable why: it turns out better with them. The strong spells, they are almost all black magic... ” “Silence! You’ll You’ll have the recess to talk!” Medusa said sternly. sternly. She dryly clicked her fingers, and her assistants brought into the class a wooden box in which something was stirring indignantly. indignantly. A dark-blue dark-blue cover was thrown on the box. “Attention, class! The theme of our lesson today: kikimora and shishiga and shishiga,, First about the shishiga. shishiga. They are known to moronoids from the earliest times and a lot of blood was harmed by them... Glomov, I would not advise you to pluck at the cover, not having learned the necessary protection spells! Have you forgotten what happened to you last year? If you again grow a second nose on your forehead, I’ll not spend anymore time on it! Let’s continue...” After the bell when all began to disperse, Medusa called Tanya to herself. “There is an unpleasant piece of news,” she said. “Only one? In my opinion there are lots of them,” Tanya Tanya carefully objected. Medusa smiled slightly. slightly. “I did not begin to talk about this to the rest in order not to cause panic, but I’ll tell you since I’m sure that you know how to guard secrets... This morning I discovered that the swamp bogey had escaped from my office. It could not run out by itself, someone opened its cage and let it go. All this can mean only one thing — somewhere here in Tibidox,


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She-Who-Is-No-More has an ally. Someone who wants very much that she would again assume power. It’s It’s he who cut the Hair and let out the swamp bogey... You You be careful!” Tanya nodded. She already set off toward the door when she again heard the voice of Medusa: “Chaos an ancient promise will realize, And She-Who-Is-No-More from the coffin will arise...” arise...” Tanya turned around sharply sharpl y. Now she was convinced that it was known to Medusa that she read the prophecy prophec y. But how? Did the genie really tell? “Take care of yourself!” Softly, entirely not in the manner that she conducted classes, Medusa said. “I knew your father well and was convinced that in his last minutes he did everything in order to protect you, and to protect for a long time. For this very reason She-Who-Is-No-More retreated for ten whole years. Even now I know her strength is far from being as strong as before. Only don’t lose what Leopold gave you .” Medusa pronounced the last words especially distinctly. distinctly. Tanya tensed up, understanding that with these words Medusa wanted to communicate to her someth something ing import important ant.. Was she talkin talking g about about the disgus disgustin ting g old woman woman who whispered to Uncle Herman in his dream being the one who attempted to take Agukh away from her place? “But what did he give me? What?” She asked. “And you don’t know?” Medusa uttered with some special expression. “No. But you? You know?” Medusa squinted. “I surmise what it can be, but I don’t know what it can look like,” she said and, not adding any more, left the classroom, into which Bab-Yagun just looked, giving Tanya mysterious signs. *** Jumping out into the corridor, Tanya discovered that Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin were very disturbed by something. “You know what Shurasik just told us? He was in Professor Stinktopp’s office — he wanted to ask whether he could do seven exercises instead of one. And you know what he saw in Stinktopp’s office? An enormous carrion vulture with a naked neck! Stinktopp called called it Lifele Lifeless ss Griff Griffin! in! When Shuras Shurasik ik saw it, he almost almost fainted. fainted. You You know know his blackouts. After these little hearts he was so deeply moved that he fainted three times in one day...” day...” They had hardly mentioned the bird b ird when Tanya Tanya immediately recalled the fright, which, having suddenly attacked her in the air, attempted to throw her off the double bass. And what if it was also Lifeless Griffin? If it is living in Stinktopp’s, it means, it also received that order from him. In this case there is no doubt: Stinktopp is the accomplice of Plaguedel-Cake. “Strange joke!” Vanka continued to discuss. “Stinktopp! We totally forgot about him! Indeed in that conversation I overheard, Medusa and Dentistikha mentioned only Slander


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and... Sardanapal. But you know, Stinktopp can also be the accomplice of She-Who-Is No-More!” “Listen, was he at the match?” Tanya asked. “Ne-a, he wasn’t. I know exactly. His place was empty, later Glomov even made his way to it so that he could see better,” stated Vanka Vanka Valyalkin. Valyalkin. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun and Tanya exchanged glances significantly. significantly. “And indeed the office of Stinktopp is very near the office of Medusa. Along the same corridor,” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun dropped seemingly by chance. chance . He said nothing more, but it was also very clear what he had in mind. It would be no trouble at all for Stinktopp to penetrate into the office of Medusa when she was busy and released his own henchman Agukh. “Yes, Stinktopp is very suspicious. And moreover he’s from the ‘dark.’ With what pleasure today he said that Tibidox does not have reliable magic protection anymore. I think if we make our way into his office at night, then we would learn a lot,” said Vanka. Vanka. “So what’s the hitch? We’ll visit Stinktopp, or we can’t do it? But consider, if they catch us, there will be trouble for sure. They can chase us out of the white magicians and kick us like a soccer ball to the blacks, or deprive us of magic abilities and banish us from Tibidox altogether. Well, yellow soccer shirt?” Bab-Yagun asked, looking provocatively at Vanka. “Good! We’ll meet at one in the morning in the living room and go to Stinktopp. But until this time don’t let me see you, granny’s grandson,” said Vanka and, turning, left — slender and decisive, in his patched and re-patched soccer shirt, which he nevertheless persistently preferred to all local robes. Interesting, why? Returning to her room, Tanya met Tararakh half way there. The pithecanthropus who taught veterinary magic was walking with a small cage in which sat a homely moulting squirrel holding a golden nut in its paws. “Woe...” “W oe...” Tararak Tararakh h said. “Broke its tooth. Gnaws on anything. anything. And indeed a poet even wrote about it...... so merry, merry, how like his moor...” “Pushkin,” prompted Tanya. “Hear-hear... He’s the same,” Tararakh was pleased. “Didn’t know him personally? By the way, he also came to Tibidox as our guest. No, not as a student, but simply... Sardanapal flew on the carpet for him. Usually they don’t invite moronoids here, but likely made an exception exception for him... Afterw Afterwards, ards, it seems, he composed composed something something about Buyan there...” From time to time Tararakh looked at Tanya’s face and energetically rubbed his forehead with his hand. “Hey, why such a sour look? Spill!” Tanya, not able to control herself, described to him the bird with the naked neck in the office of Stinktopp and that it attacked her, attempting to throw her off the doub le bass. “No, Stinktopp cannot be the traitor! You rid this from your head immediately! I’ve known him indeed awfully long. And Sardanapal treats him normally...” Tararakh stated categorically. categorically. “Well, “Well, and that Lifeless Griffin at his place, this has yet to be proven.” The squirrel began to rush about in the cage. Tararakh pushed a thick finger between the bars and stroke it encouragingly. “And what’s with it? Always Always so calm. It seems the tooth hurts... Well, Well, I’m going...” And the pithecanthropus left, cuddling the cage to himself. “He doesn’t believe that Lifeless Griffin is in Stinktopp’s... Well fine, but what bird did Shurasik see then? No, nevertheless must have a look in Stinktopp’s,” Stinktopp’s,” decided Tanya.


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Entering her own room, she discovered that Coffinia, according to her habit, was lying on the bed. Her mouth was open, and there directly directly from the window, window, gliding in the air, chocolat chocolates es were were bouncin bouncing, g, Coffin Coffinia ia clearly clearly stole them from someone someone by means means of telekinesis. For the same business she, by the way, also fell into the “dark” department of Tibidox. True, in the world of the moronoids they called Coffinia by a different name, and she pinched not candies but watches and wallets in the metro, though with the help of the same trick. When Tanya entered, one of the chocolates suddenly changed direction and tried to cut into her forehead, but, trained by dragonball, Tanya deftly caught it and shoved it into her mouth. “Thanks, Coffinia! Maybe you’ll slip one more?” Tanya Tanya mockingly asked. Cryptova did not change position but was clearly agitated. Having made her way to her bed, Tanya discovered that although the double bass case was standing where it was before, it had been moved to the right approximately the distance of a matchbox. Tanya had a practised eye: not for nothing had she lived for a long time beside Pipa. Tanya opened the case, and her guess was confirmed: someone had been searching her things. It was obvious, although the one who did it tried to hide this as best he could. But some things nevertheless casually changed places. “Answer me! Did you rummage in my things?” Tanya asked sternly, leaning over Coffinia. “Ne-a, “Ne-a, there’s there’s nothing for me. I don’t don’t gather rubbish,” rubbish,” Cryptova Cryptova declared, wiping her chocolate covered lips with the pillow. “If not you, then who? You yourself know that no one besides us could get into the room. Here is the boundary spell!” Tanya did not believe her. her. Coffinia burst out laughing: “And what they only teach you in your white department! Boundary Boundar y spell — it’s all in a teapot! It suffices to say Fogus sneakus and go in the door back first. The spell will decide that you’re a ghost and will let you pass. Decent spells don’t get mixed up with ghosts. There’s only one trick: when you leave afterwards, on no account touch the handle.” “So it’s definitely not you?” “Bug off!” Cryptova snapped. Tanya sighed. Even if Coffinia had done this, it would be impossible to prove anything now. Interesting that they so persistently searched her things? Is it that object which Medusa talked about with such mystery? Meanwhile Coffinia opened her own wardrobe and took out a transparent box. Inside the box a multicoloured fog was gliding, and a large pink ear was revolving above the box on a short pin. “What’s “What’s that?” Tanya asked suspiciously. suspiciously. Her roommate stared at her as at a fool. “It’s a listener,” She indulgently explained. “It eavesdrops on what’s happening in the world of the moronoids and informs me, my dear... In essence this gadget, of course, catches signals.” Coffinia flicked on the large ear with a finger, and the ear began to revolve twice as fast. Simultaneous Simultaneously ly from the box began to pour out a voice which Tanya Tanya recognized to be the voice of a popular announcer:


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“Now “Now heading heading the Scandal Scandalss of the Week . Well-known ell-known businessma businessman n and politician politician Herman Durnev completed a very extravagant act. After foregoing the fight on the last stage of the elections, he established the Society of Fans of Rabbit Breeding and took in ninety-two rabbits in his own apartment on Rublev Road. On the screen you see how the rabbits, which Herman Nikitich on principle does not keep in cages, run around the apartment and even drive the whimpering dachshund under the sofa... And here is one more shot: Herman Nikitich drinking water out of one basin with the rabbits while his daughter Penelope puts her feet onto the table in order that the rabbits won’t chew on her slippers...” Tanya even ran up to the spot, she so wanted to see this, but, alas, she could only hear sound. The listener did not catch images. “I’m awfully happy. Earlier I was evil and loved no one, but now I’m good: all the wabbits wabbits are my fwiends! fwiends! Each day we go for a walk in the glade! I click my tongue like this: ‘juk-juk,’ and they quickly wun after me! I’m their big boss wabbit!” Tanya heard Uncle Herman’s voice sprinkled with happiness and contentment interrupted by the characterist characteristic ic crunch: obviously Uncle Herman was gnawing gnawing on a head of cabbage. cabbage. The crunch, in turn, was drowned out by something similar to a lion’s roar — it was Aunt Ninel sobbing. “I would pound these rabbits in the mixer! They tore off all my wallpaper! They don’t like Pipa and me, but walk with their tails behind them like they’re cranky! And look into the bathtub: there they have a bath!” She began to wail, apparently snatching away the correspondent’ correspondent’ss microphone. microphone. “My husband husband went crazy after the disappearance disappearance of our foster daughter Tanya Grotter! I was attached to her like a mother... We We blew dust du st off her, and this thankless trash ran off! The political competitors of my husband instigated her!” “And my G.P. doesn’t help!” Pipa sobbed. “And I asked him to smash all the rabbits with his broom! Ah, don’t slobber on my foot, ugly big-ears!” Interrupting the broadcast at the most interesting place, Coffinia stopped the revolving ear and shoved the listener into the wardrobe. “And you, it turns out, are thankless trash! Did they blow the dust off you? Geez, take note of yourself!” Coffinia said with a sneer. But Tanya almost did not hear her. She was thinking about something else: it seems, Uncle Herman is finally finally happy. happy. How important it is nevertheless nevertheless — to find one’s one’s true destiny! And if he needs money, he will easily be able to be installed in the circus: the rabbits will do anything for him and without any training. And the number can be called, for example, The Big Boss Wabbit . *** Close to midnight Coffinia finally deigned to fall asleep. Waiting till she had fallen asleep, Tanya carefully got up. Black Curtains were about to reach out for her, but, whispering the shielding spell, the girl released a green spark ato them and left the room. Soon Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin appeared in the drawing room. The grandson of Yagge pulled on himself an odd overall of the most villainous cut with such a hood that it was possible to hide in it not only his head with full round cheeks and hair sticking up like a hedgehog, but if necessary even a knightly helmet with a plume. As far as Vanka was concerned, he did not change clothes at all, remaining all the time in the same


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customary soccer shirt. On the way Valyalkin finished chewing a cutlet — the only thing, not counting the pickles, that his maimed magic tablecloth knew how to prepare. Having gone down the stairs, they slipped past the strip of fire in the Hall of Two Elements. Now, when the Hair had been cut, light and dark were not divided as clearly as before: in many places the fire seemingly faded and weakened. Where this happened, obscure dark shadows tried to force their way from the dark side. Bats bumped against the invisible barrier with a sharp squeak, and along the corners ominous yellow eyes twinkle twinkled, d, fading fading in one place place but immedi immediate ately ly flarin flaring g up in anothe anotherr. The beaming beaming firebirds on the bright side flapped their wings and fluffed up their tails in agitation, splashing rainbow sparks in different directions. Sensitively listening to each rustle, the friends reached the teacher’s floor, where their way was barred by the ghost, suddenly floating out of the wall, of a moaning lady in a hat with roses. “Excellent evening, my dears. How’s your health?” Wringing her hands, she asked hysterically. Tanya wanted to answer, but Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun pulled her h er by the hand: h and: “Shh! Don’t take it into your head to talk to her! It’s the Unhealed Lady! If you say a word to her, she will pester you the whole night!” “Why do you keep quiet? I asked: how’s your health? Really it’s so hard to answer?” Lady Lady aske asked d again again repr reproac oachf hful ully ly.. Her Her pale pale,, halfhalf-tr tran ansp spar arent ent face face expre express ssed ed nobl noblee bewilderment. Tanya anya became became uncomfo uncomfort rtabl able, e, and, and, despit despitee the warnin warning g of Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun, n, growle growled: d: “Normal.” In the same moment the face of Lady changed. It swelled up to the dimensions of a good watermelon, the mouth became as wide as the slot of a mailbox, and words fell from her as from a machine gun: “Normal? And you’re not ashamed! Oh, and here you know... my health is terrible... The entire day today my blood pressure jumps, and after dinner the legs began to go numb. So I think, it’s not good. Someone must necessarily die in the near future. You’ll see! When my legs become numb, without fail someone dies. And And for the time being do you want to look at my throat? I’m sure you’ll be deeply affected, how red it...” “Run!” Vanka began to yell, and they broke off along the corridor. The Unhealed Lady, not lagging behind, flew right behind and mournfully complained about her ailments, entreating them first to feel her pulse, then to take a look at how limp her tongue was. Finall Finally y, already already almost almost at the very office office of Profe Profess ssor or Stinkt Stinktopp, opp, Unheale Unhealed d Lady detached herself and was drawn into the wall, on farewell calling them hard-hearted fools. “Why did you start talking to her?” Bab-Yagun attacked Tanya. “I told you in Russian: don’t answer her!” “I thought she would be offended!” Tanya was embarrassed. Bab-Yagun again began to puff up, clearly clearl y intending to have his say, say, but Vanka Valyalkin Valyalkin decisively broke him off: “Okay, Yagun, stopped wailing! Must quickly look into Stinktopp’s and get away from here while Unhealed Lady hasn’t brought in anyone. And even in general: Lady is still not the worst choice. She doesn’t completely remember faces, and moreover she has kasha in the head... If we bumped into the Lieutenant, it would wou ld be five times worse.”


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To get into Stinktopp’s office turned out to be not quite simple. Although the door was not closed, the handle with staggering adroitness slipped away from the hands, and the door itself, as if from laughter, was shaking with small trembling. “What a beastly trick! And here’s the shielding spell, on top of that how powerful! Not for us to slip in there!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun hissed in disappointment. “Wait, “W ait, let me!” Tanya pushed him aside and, whispering Fogus whispering Fogus sneakus, she pushed the door with her back. A spark flew out from her ring, and in the next moment she understood that she was already inside. “A nightmare! The spark was red! I implemented a spell of black magic! That’s it! I’m going to faint!” The ring exclaimed in horror. “You “You want to faint, so faint! Only keep quiet!” Tanya Tanya snapped. “Don’t you hurry me! See what kind of hasty person has turned up! When I want, then I’ll faint!” The ring declared resentfully and in truth either fainted or looked to be so. Prof Profes esso sorr Stin Stinkt ktop opp’ p’ss offi office ce was was dark dark and gloom gloomy y with without out a singl singlee wind window ow.. It resembled much more an ordinary pantry. In the stale air spread a musty smell. To the right was a cabinet with magazines of progress of the “dark” department, in which Stinktopp fulfilled the functions of a dean. Despite the fact that the cabinet was locked by several strong spells, the magazines in it were jumping, and, the ink spots, oozing between pages, floated outside, forming words in the air. Behaviour for the quarter: Rita On-The-Sly. A lot of harm, not enough malice! Damien Goryanov. Excellent vile nature! Roma Kislyakov. Insufficient vindictiveness! Seven-Stump-Holes. Pugnacious, but lies do not gush out! Additional exercises on foul acts. Coffinia Cryptova. Remarkable grimness, wonderful falsity! Smart girl! Tanya attentively looked over all the corners in search of the griffin, but the bird with a naked neck was nowhere. True, behind the cabinet she revealed a perch, under which were scattered several dark feathers smeared with sickeningly reeking droppings. Not daring to approach the table around which powerful black magic spells crackled with small little sparks, Tanya wanted to slip carefully from the office, but here an enormous mirror curtained by a greenish cover caught her eye. The girl approached and wanted to raise it, but she did not have time. The cover slid down by itself. Simultaneously on the right and left flared up long yellow candles. Tanya glanced into the mirror, expecting to see her own reflection there, but the lustreless surface of the mirror reflected nothing. It remained empty like the smoothness of a lake at night. And only occasionally a vague white fog swirled in the depth. Tanya already wanted to go away, but here from the inside of the mirror several flames flared up simultaneously. Someone approached from the gloom, cracked grey walls emerged. Not those that were in the office of Stinktopp, Stinktopp, but entirely different different ones — tight, damp, obviously located somewhere very deep underground, even not in the basements of Tibidox. Resonant steps resounded a long way off along empty corridors. Tanya saw a long procession of evil spirits. Small hairy creatures were carrying a massive rock coffin in which lay a disgusting old woman with a bony face. Under the weight of the coffin the evil spirits could make only several dozen steps, then fell without strength and died as


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semisemi-dar dark k form formle less ss lump lumps, s, but but imme immedi diat atel ely y new new porte porters rs came came in thei theirr stead stead and and persistently dragged it further. further. Tanya’s heart was squeezed. The birthmark on the tip of her nose — the trace of an old bite — started to throb with a fiery pain. It seemed to the girl that it first shrunk to the dimensions of a grain, then became large and swollen like a bean. Unexpectedly the procession stopped. The evil spirits launched the coffin at Tanya. The disgusting old woman sat in the coffin, and her gaze, burning with hatred, was rested directly on the girl’s face. Tanya sensed that she could not even turn away. Without blinking, she watched as the old woman took from the coffin a large hourglass, within which black sand was running down in a thin stream. Already quite a little bit of sand was left, less than half. “Indee “Indeed d soon!” soon!” The old woman said, said, smilin smiling g with with dead lips. “W “Wait ait for me, Baby Grotter! Soon I’ll obtain that which belongs to me!” The procession slowly and grandly passed the mirror solemnly and was hidden in a distant corridor. The candles in the hands of the evil spirits faded out, and, there where the coffin was, letters woven from bluish fire flared up: Return what you’re hiding! When When the letter letterss melted melted away, away, Tanya sensed sensed that that she could could move move again. again. Without ithout throwing the cover on the mirror, she darted to the door and, forgetting about Coffinia’s warning, grabbed the handle. The door opened, but a deafening ringing immediately spread along the entire teachers’ floor. floor. In the air hung hundreds of red exclamation marks, which, bending down, formed into the words: Alert! Disturbance of magic protection in Professor Stinktopp’s office! There was no doubt that this ringing was heard in the farthest ends of Tibidox and that soon all the instructors would gather here. Tanya anya jump jumped ed out into into the the corr corrid idor or.. BabBab-Y Yagun agun some someho how w stra strang ngely ely and and even even suspiciously stared at her. “You know what spark came out of your ring when you went in: red! You used a black magic spell!” He shouted. His voice was lost in the howling of sirens. “What matters what she used? Run!” Gripping Tanya by the sleeve, Vanka Valyalkin pulled her to the stairs leading into the Hall of Two Elements. But they were too late. From that direction was already heard the footfall of feet and the voice, full of zeal, of Slander Slanderych: “Quick, call the cyclopes! Whoever it was, they’re not leaving! I’ll fix them! I’ll put on them such a subordination spell that they’ll even wipe their nose on command to the end of their life!” The way was cut off. o ff. Now they, they, even with the best wishes in the world, could cou ld not return to their bedrooms. The only possible way of retreat left was the far stairs leading to the basements basements of Tibidox. Tibidox. The friends stopped in confusion. confusion. They did not know which was better or, more precisely, worse: to fall into the hands of the enraged Slander, for long dreaming in opposition to Sardanapal to catch red-handed someone from the white, or to risk risk and poke poke their their noses noses into into the basements basements,, the entran entrance ce into into which which was strictly strictly forbidden. But the incens incensed ed Slande Slanderr, sneezin sneezing g from from malice, malice, was already already very near, near, and his proximity forced them to take the desperate step. “Well, what’s with you?” Tanya shouted and was the first to rush to the steps of the basement stairs.


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They had hardly gone down ten flights when gloom closed in from all sides. The voice of Slander Slanderych, calling onto their heads misfortunes of every kind, melted far away. away. Finally they heard how he, running as far as the stairs, shouted downward: “Hey, whoever you might be, you can no longer get back up! I’ll put on the stairs a triple identify spell that Sardanapal himself will not be able to remove! If you poke your nose out — you’ll immediately be sorry! Let the evil spirits devour you or the cyclopes will catch you!” In the desperate darkness they continued to go downward, until finally the stairs ended. Tanya had never penetrated so deeply under Tibidox. Diverging in different directions were dozens of straight corridors illuminated only by torches flaring up on their approach and immediately growing dim. “You heard what Slander said? This way has been cut off. We must find another staircase, which leads to the Big Tower. I indeed know it must be somewhere... It seems, over there,” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun said. He decisively directed his steps along one of the corridors, but on their path suddenly grew a crackling obstacle from which sizzling red sparks fell in all directions. Vanka Valyalkin as an experiment thrust a torch through it, one which he removed from the wall, but in that same moment something sparkled, and the part of the torch that had gotten into contact with the obstacle o bstacle turned into ashes. “May “May Slander Slander crack with with his own spells spells!! We cannot cannot pass pass here!” here!” Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n was distressed. “It’s necessary to dodge along the labyrinths, to search whether it is possible to bypass somewhere.” The way along the labyrinth could not end with anything good. This was clear from the very beginning, but nevertheless Tanya held her tongue, in any case, until they finally understood that they were lost. All the corridors were absolutely similar, and in the offsho offshoots ots,, which which could could lead lead to the necess necessary ary stairs stairs,, magic magic obstac obstacles les compul compulsor sorily ily appeared in their path. Likely, Likely, Slander and Dentistikha did a first-rate job. In the end, finally realizing that they were lost, Tanya and behind her also Vanka and Bab-Yagun stopped and began to hold council. “Certainly, “Certainly, we can utter the calling spell and then they’ll find us, but I just don’t want to tell him anything... I hate to have to wipe my nose on command, and Slander will precisely subject us to subordination, if he reaches us first,” said Vanka Valyalkin. “And on the whole, the basements here are strange: suspiciously quiet.” “Uh-huh,” agreed Tanya. “We “We were told that the place is full of evil spirits, but for some reason I don’t see any at all.” “Shh! They see us,” Bab-Yagun said in a strained manner, suddenly gripping Tanya by the hand and indicating to her something behind her back. Tanya turned around. From the nearest dark corridor eyes burning with hatred were looking at them. Lightis!” Vanka “ Lightis!” Vanka Valyalkin Valyalkin shouted and, releasing a spark from his ring, illuminated the corridor. Tanya made out the rigid fur and familiar yellow horns. Agukh! In his hands the swamp bogey was holding a short tube into which he hurriedly put a needle with a dark drop at the end. “You di-e! You di-e! In hor-ri-ble tor-ment!” He hissed. “Careful!” Tanya Tanya shouted, abruptly darting to the side.


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In the next moment the needle struck the stone where her face had been, and it broke. And Agukh, muttering curses, was already hurriedly charging the tube with a new needle. Slopis-galoshis-idiotis!”” Tanya exclaimed in a hurry. Here is when the lessons of “Slopis-galoshis-idiotis! Medusa and the exhausting cramming prove useful! Not without reason Medusa said that a real magician must not simply know a spell but to perfect it till automatic. Dropping the tube, the swamp bogey collapsed full-length, and then jumped up and quickly dashed off somewhere into the interlacing dark corridors. “Quick! He’ll lead us out! Stop!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun shouted and rushed after Agukh. The frightened creature, leaping on the run and clicking with his curved legs, deftly dodged along the labyrinth, choosing at times the most improbable holes. So, running as far as the magic barrier, he did not rush up to it, which threatened instantaneous death, but abruptly darted straight to the wall and, passing through it, disappeared. This was more striking as swamp bogeys did not possess the ability to pass through solid objects. The speeding Bab-Yagun, understanding that he would not manage to stop, extended his hands in front, hoping at least to somehow soften the impact, but there was none whatsoe whatsoever ver.. A moment moment — and he found found himsel himselff on that that side side of the wall wall in a short short corridor, which ended in a large hall from where wafted someone’s laughter and the slapping of cards. Agukh disappeared somewhere, only Bab-Yagun did not need him any more. BabYagun carefully turned and saw, where he recently passed through, a semicircular small arch seemingly covered by a golden curtain. Immediately behind the arch stood Vanka Valyalkin and Tanya who, definitely not seeing him, were looking around. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun smiled. He already grasped grasped that the golden arch was a concealed concealed passage, which they would never have discovered if not for the bolting bogey, knowing very well all the trapdoors here. Not denying himself the pleasure, Bab-Yagun pushed a hand through the arch and suddenly gripped Vanka by the shoulder. Vanka tensely wheezed from horror when someone’s hand passing through the continuous wall seized him by the collar, and he stopped struggling to break loose only when from the wall leaned out yet the head of his friend. “Quiet!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun whispered. “Make your way to me!” “Through the wall? I’m not a ghost, you know!” Tanya was indignant, suspiciously examining the fat-cheeked head of her friend and his snub nose with holes as nostrils all sticking out from stones. “And what am I, a ghost? It’s some magic!” Bab-Yagun was angry. First Tanya, and then Vanka passed through the wall and, stealing along the corridor, they carefully put their heads out. They were standing at an entrance to a large hall with a sooty arched ceiling. The entire distant wall was occupied by enormous copper gates with handles in the form of lion heads holding a ring in their teeth. Not far from the gates in front of a burning bonfire sat the hero-bouncers Usynya, Gorynya, and Dubynya and they were playing self-shuffling cards. Usynya just lost, and the cards, bobbing up and down, beat him on the nose under the laughter of his contented brothers. Meanwhile an entire bull threaded on a spit was roasting over the bonfire. Occasionally from the wide side gallery cyclopes showed up marching with poleaxes and bludgeons and, hungry saliva flowing out, threw greedy glances at the bull. Then one of the hero-bouncers would get up and threaten the cyclopes with a huge fist the size of a


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good hammer. After this international gesture even the somewhat dull cyclopes started to understand that the heroes were not inclined to share dinner with them. It was known to Tanya, like to the cyclopes, that it was better not to get mixed up with Usynya, Gorynya, and Dubynya without any great need, and she hid her head in a hurry. Bab-Yagun and Vanka did the same. “Did you see?” Vanka Vanka whispered. “They have little hearts on their chests! Shurasik with his ‘friends’ badges reached here! Here’s a sharp lad! Interesting, how did he manage to do so without them flattening him? Probably he learned all their absurd passwords and replies.” “And what are they doing here in the basement?” Tanya asked. “Really incomprehensible?” Bab-Yagun was astonished. “You saw what they sit near. Guarding the Sinister Gates!” He had hardly uttered “Sinister Gates” when a chill ran down Tanya’s back, and she with already new eyes stared at the lions with the rings in their teeth and at the heavy copper panels. panels. About as high as three men the gate was locked with a huge bolt the size of the trunk of an oak. At this moment the gates suddenly began to shake so that even the walls of the basement began to tremble. Then without any preheating the copper became red-hot, the Gates were pressed in by a powerful force, and from the reverse side distinctly distinctly printed printed in molten copper was a terrible terrible face — no nose, eyeless, eyeless, with only an open mouth. Simultaneously with this thousands of furious voices from that side began to howl, to moan. Chaos, cloistered in the underground jail, once again tried to break out. “Well-well! Quiet there! Don’t indulge!” Without turning around, Usynya bellowed. Evidently, the brother-heroes long ago got used to the uproar of heathen gods and the tricks of the spirits of Chaos howling and be ating against the magic barrier. “There, the second stairs into the Big Tower! Only how will we rush over there? These blockheads will immediately notice us!” Bab-Yagun poked his finger at the crumbled ancient steps. They began there on the floor where Dubynya was yawning, handing out cards. Vanka smiled. What a good smile this young fellow has! Tanya literally felt how everything warmed up inside her. “There’s a trick! I do this trick with Idiotsyudov in order to break his habit of rushing with his fists every five minutes,” he said quietly. “When I finish counting to three, close your eyes tight and don’t open them until un til I let you! One... two...” “Oh, my granny mama!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun exclaimed, covering his eyes e yes with his hands. Tanya anya closed closed her eyes. eyes. She heard with with closed closed eyes eyes how Vank Vankaa said said “thre “three” e” then then something something cracked loudly and it flared flared up brightly brightly — it was even noticeable noticeable through closed eyelids. “I see nothing!” Suddenly Usynya began to bawl. “And now run! We only have all of a minute,” Vanka Vanka whispered. Opening her eyes, Tanya saw Usynya, Dubynya, and Gorynya, leaping up, rubbing their eyes with their fists, and above the bonfire, waning, pinkish smoke rising up. Not waiting until the hero-bouncers could see again, the children swiftly ran between them and rushed upstairs. Soon were heard from below cries and dull sounds of blows. It was likely that the cyclopes tried to drag away the brothers’ dinner, and the hero-bouncers, regaining vision, comprehensibly made it clear why it should not be done.


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“How did you manage it?” Tanya was enraptured, understanding that until Usynya, Gorynya, and Dubynya came to an understanding with the cyclopes, there would be no pursuit after them. “Simple. Root of sundew, a piece of amber, and several sphinx wool strands! Works without a hitch if we throw this into a bonfire,” explained Vanka Vanka Valyalkin. Valyalkin. “Again showing off? From where do you get sphinx fur? It allows no one to approach it!” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun asked; he could not stand it when Vanka Vanka surpassed him in something. “It’s “It’s you it would not allow to approach because it doesn’t like a hotshot. Who removed its splinter?” Valyalkin answered. Bab-Yagun’s ears turned crimson from anger. The stairs with the crumbled steps along which they went up was cut in the thick granite. It looked so old that it was completely obvious that the stairs was here even when ther theree was was no Tibid ibidox ox or when when it only only began began to be cons constr truc ucte ted. d. Whil Whilee Tanya anya was was calculating how many millennia for it, the magic ring unexpectedly hopped off her finger and began to jump downward. “Stop please! I dropped my ring!” Tanya Tanya shouted, dashing d ashing after it. Slipping about ten steps, the ring froze and, suddenly hanging in the air, it released a spark. Tanya leaned over in haste, hurrying to lift it, but here a heavy plate suddenly turned under her feet. Belatedly she noticed a greenish glow above the plate! Again magic! Unsuccessfully grabbing at the air with her hands, Tanya tumbled downward and, gaining speed, dashed into the void, feverishly trying in flight to put on the ring, which she was squeezing in her fist and to shout Oyoyoys smackis thumpis. For several long seconds she flew in a narrow tunnel, until suddenly she realized that the drop already ended. Someone caught her in the air, and in the following moment Tanya understood that she was lying on an enormous calloused palm, and above her hung a monstrous size bearded head. “Mama! I got to the titans! Must urgently faint!” Tanya said to herself, but for some reason she did not faint. How annoying! Looking around, she understood that she was in a tight cave cut out of solid rock, in which stood three titans shoulder to shoulder — Cottus, Briareus, and Gyes. One hundred arms, arms, fifty fifty heads heads with with matted matted hair hair growin growing g for many millen millennia, nia, the titans titans were so enormous that the hero-bouncers, if they turned up beside the titans now, would look like one-year-old children in comparison. It seemed that the narrow cave was holding such power with difficulty. The eyes of the titans, sharp-sighted, accustomed to the darkness, examined Tanya narrowly. And then the titan holding her, the oldest of the three, suddenly stretched out to her a finger, thick as a telephone pole. Tanya shielded herself with her arms, ready to be crushed by them. The titan merrily laughed and, having unskilfully stroked her hair, removed the finger. finger. “Wh-o a-re y-ou? I am Briareus, Briareus, th-is th-is is Cot-tus Cot-tus and Gy-es,” Gy-es,” with enormous labour delivering human sounds, he said. “Tanya... “Tanya... Tanya Grotter... Grotter... I accidentally fell down here, don’t kill me!” “Tan-ya “Tan-ya GRO...” all fifty throats of Briareus shouted loudly and an d deafeningly. Tanya staggered, hardly remaining on her feet from the terrible rumble.


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“Leo... “Leo... Gro... Gro... So... Gro... yo-ur par..? par..? Th-ey mad-... mad-... this en-tra,” en-tra,” answered answered Cottus Cottus and Gyes. In their roar was heard tenderness, although they articulated the words with much more difficulty than Briareus. “Sophia and Leopold Grotter? It’s my mom and dad. So it’s them who dug through this entrance?” Tanya was amazed, experiencing quite out-of-place comparable relief. If her parents were friends with the titans, it means, nothing would threaten her. Attempting to distinguish words, the titans turned the overgrown ears to her and began to nod. Now it became clear to Tanya why the ring tore away from her finger and released a spark. It responded to its own magic, which it produced many years ago when it was on the finger of her father — Leopold. “Wh-o wi-th y-ou? Wh-y th-ey n-ot co-me?” Briareus enunciated indistinctly. indistinctly. “They are dead... d ead... Plague-del-Cake killed them,” Tanya said with difficulty. difficulty. “Pla-e-Ca... Pla-e-Ca!” Gyes and Cottus repeated, and hatred distorted their faces. With terrible force they began to beat the walls with their fists. Granite bits fell. It seemed the entire Tibidox above was trembling. Tanya fell and plugged up her ears with her hands. Noticing this, the titans, recollecting, stopped. Tanya saw that many heads were crying, and large tears became tangled in their tousled beards. “Yo-ur “Yo-ur par-ents wer-e go-od peo-ple!” Sobbing, th e main head of Briareus droned. “They pi-ied us and wan-ed to hel-p us. Ther-fore a-so ma-de this en-trance. You wer-e a-so qui-te lit-le. Leo-ld tri-ed to gi-ve you sa-fe de-fence in or-der you fear not-hing, and he suc-cee-ded this. You rob-bed Pla-gue all her po-er. But you be car-ful: Plague can reover it. We all ha-te her. We We fe-el: no mor-e cha-os, but Pla-gue some-ere be-side...” Suddenly some thought came to an outer head of Briareus, it whispered it to the head beside it, that one whispered to the next, and finally the wave reached the main talking head of the titan. Following this several dozen hands began in a hurry to dig in the pockets, until in Tanya’s Tanya’s hands lay an average size clay jug sealed up by sealing wax. The huge palm held it with great care, afraid to crush it. “Her-e bre-ath of Ear-th, whi-ch gives po-er. Use it wh-en you ha-ve the ne-ed. We wan-ed to gi-ve su-ch phi-al to Leo-pold, but he re-fu-sed. And now go! Far-ell and don’t for-get us!” Tanya mechanically pressed the jug to herself. Briareus raised his hand and with effort pushed the hand into the narrow slot through which Tanya came here. Grabbing the plate, the girl with difficulty got outside, and immediately the step with a quiet click got back in the previous place. When Tanya straightened up and Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin Valyalkin saw her, they were staring at her in such a wa y as if she had risen from the world of corpses. co rpses. “Where “Where were you? We We saw how you you slipp slipped ed down, down, and then suddenl suddenly y at once! once! — disappeared somewhere, and then somewhere below began to roar!” Vanka exclaimed, rushing to her. “I fell through... fell through there, under the stairs,” Tanya breathed out, experiencing relief that she escaped from the tight cave. “You fell through? There? But please, there... Only don’t lie, that you were at the titans’!” Bab-Yagun demanded, but, looking intently at Tanya’s face, literally slipped down onto the floor. “Oh, no! It’s unbelievable! No one was ever there!” He groaned. Tanya understood the disappointment of her friend. Earlier in the whole of Tibidox Bab-Yagun was the only one managing to get caught in an unthinkable quantity of stories. Now she outdid him, on top of that how! Naturally, the proud grandson of Yagge


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was depressed. Then Vanka, it seemed, was sincerely proud of her success. On his dirty face a happy h appy smile spread widely. “What are you doing here? Were you at the Sinister Gates? And Sardanapal knows about this?” Next to them was heard an unpleasant laughter, and Lieutenant Rzhevskii looked out from the wall. Tanya turned to him and almost screamed. The knives from the back of Lieutenant had disappeared somewhere, and instead of the head he was flaunting a large cast iron cannon ball. “A small injury. Flew very close by here! Practically a millimetre!” A very contented Rzhevskiy explained and, neighing at his own joke, flew to demonstrate the shot to Usynya, Gorynya, and Dubynya. “You “You think he’ll tell Sardanapal where he saw us?” Vanka Vanka asked. “Don’t know. know. Maybe he’ll forget. You You see how contented he is that he changed c hanged his head somewhere to a shot,” Vanka shrugged his shoulders. He again looked at Tanya and added merrily: “You, by the way, lost your pin. I imagine how distressed Shurasik will be, if tomorrow he doesn’t see his little friendship heart on you.” “Yes, a pity... But not to crawl to the titans after it?” Tanya said and suddenly burst out laughing. “Why “W hy are are you you tril trilli ling ng?? Must Must be me, me, perh perhap aps? s?”” BabBab-Y Yagun agun asked asked susp suspic icio ious usly ly,, straightening his villainous overalls. The grandson of Yagge already felt sorry that he wore it. It, of course, was good for disguise, but indeed awfully absurd. “What’s with you here? I was imagining the titans with Shurasik’s friendship pin on their chests...” Tanya barely said and now everybody already started laughing, including Bab-Yagun. Getting up along the stairs leading from the basement, they again came to rest against the solid wall. “Really Slander blocked up this passage?” Vanka muttered distrustfully, feeling the massive boulders laid together. “It cannot be that he would not at least leave an invisible arch.” After a ten minute search the invisible arch was found nevertheless, and they went out directly between two marble Atlases, standing at the entrance to the Big Tower. Both marble marble Atlases Atlases were were snorin snoring g quietly quietly,, continu continuing ing to hold hold the arch arch on their their powerf powerful ul shoulders. “And I was thinking: why are they hanging around here, likely to keep themselves busy? Turns out, here’s the hidden arch!” Bab-Yagun whispered and, rushing on tiptoes past them, dived into the Hall of Two Elements. Tanya and Vanka followed him. Soon they satisfactorily got to the residential floor, contriving not to catch the eye of the enraged Slander, who was persistently lying in wait for them by the other stairs. Coffinia was sound asleep on her own bed, her head covered by Black Curtains, which managed after all to slip down from the cornice. The harmful Curtains giggled disgustingly. Must be, they peeked into Coffinia’s Coffinia’s dreams in order to, flying around the school the whole day tomorrow, tomorrow, show them to the entire Tibidox. Tanya wanted to drive them away with the spell Briskus-quickus, spell Briskus-quickus, but discovered that she was mortally tired. She placed the clay pitcher under the bed, hiding it in the double bass case, collapsed on top of the blanket and fell asleep...


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Chapter 13 The Protection Potion

The next day before dinner Slander Slanderych assembled everyone in the Hall of Two Element Elements. s. His puffy face shook shook from from anger anger,, and under under the eyes eyes were were bags. bags. Tanya anya surmised that he did not sleep all night, watching the stairs leading from the teachers’ floor to the basement. Next to the dean stood Academician Chernomorov and Medusa, looking not a bit less stern. However, the severe look did not prevent Medusa from puckering and moving away from Slander, exuding a sharp and unpleasant smell. It was likely that again as on that night when Tanya saw him in the Tower of Ghosts, he had rubbed himself with something stinky. “Last night something scandalous took place!” Looking around at everybody with an intent intent gaze gaze of his gimlet gimlet eyes, Slande Slanderr Slande Slanderyc rych h announce announced. d. “Someo “Someone ne from from the students penetrated to the teachers’ floor, into the office of our most respectable associate the dearest Professor Stinktopp. No one wants to come forward? Well? I’m counting to three... One... two...” Tanya fearfully shrank. It seemed to her that the gaze of the dean sliding onto her pierced her right through. Really he knows? But from where? Bab-Yagun and Vanka Valyalkin were also clearly worried. Tanya did not see Vanka, Vanka, but the ears of Bab-Yagun, Bab-Yagun, sitting in front, were blinking like semaphores. “Three “Three... ... It means means no one wants wants to come come forwar forward?” d?” Slande Slanderr hissed hissed threat threateni eningly ngly.. “Okay, you can keep quiet longer. Fortunately for the burglars, they stole nothing. If they had tried to do this, then they would have instantly perished. So, in any case, Professor, confirm for us. Is that so?” Stinktopp giggled maliciously. maliciously. “Vell, “Vell, yes, I protect protect my properties properties.. Vhat’s Vhat’s zis here? Efferyvhe Efferyvhere re in my office vas taut viz outstanding black spells... Anyone vho penetrates into ze office in my absences in ze middle of ze night vould immediately become ashes. I can’t imagine at all how he escaped? Eizer it’s a fery powerful magician, or I don’t know at all vhat ze trick is here. Perhaps, he’s all incinerated and ve simply do not notice ze ashes on ze floor?” Sardanapal looked reproachfully at Stinktopp. “I didn’t know about your spells! Does it not seem to you that it’s excessive?” He shouted with indignation. “I want to remind you that Tibidox is a school! Anyone and for any reason should be able to get to you! I order you to immediately remove all fatal traps and replace them with weaker and safer ones, or I’ll do it for you!” Stinktopp sourly looked sideways at Sarnanapal; however, he did not begin to argue. In any case, not in front of everybody everybod y. Tanya Tanya heard only onl y how he grumbled unhappily: “Neff “Nefferz erzele eless ss incomp incompreh rehens ensibl iblee vhy they they failed failed to functi function? on? Someone Someone fery fery deftly deftly neutralized all ze black magic.” “In that case it could not be the children! No child has such power, especially you yourself make sure that no one got up from the basement, and all the students, as you see, are present,” raising her voice and turning immediately to Stinktopp and Slander, Medusa asserted. Those two wanted to object, but the hair on the head of the senior lecturer Gorgonova had raisen so threateningly upright that Stinktopp and Slander preferred to be silent. That Sardanapal was on the side of Medusa also held them back from the dispute.


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“Okay, you can have dinner! But we’ll still return to this conversation!” The dean bellowed and, having abruptly turned on his heels, ran out of the hall. For the first time dinner took place sombrely, in funeral silence. Even the two fine fellows from the casket did not know how to cheer up anyone in spite of all efforts. Then after dinner Vanka Valyalkin and Bab-Yagun literally attacked Tanya with questions. “How did you manage to survive? You heard what Stinktopp said? Everywhere there was black magic! How did you lift it?” “But I lifted nothing!” Tanya shrugged her shoulders. “Perhaps, it was at the table? I did not approach the table.” “No, “No, Stinkt Stinktopp opp defini definitel tely y indica indicated ted that that magic magic was everywh everywhere ere.. You should should have perished but didn’t. It means, you defused all the spells, besides white, but how’s this? You’ll not tell us?” Bab-Yagun drawled thoughtfully. “But I don’t know! I DO NOT KNOW!” Tanya shouted. Vanka and Bab-Yagun began to blink. “Okay, you don’t want to tell — no need to,” Bab-Yagun said resentfully and, turning away, left. Vanka sadly looked at Tanya for a while and then growled: “Bye! Got to go!” And raced to Tararakh. Tanya recalled that after dinner they intended to treat the firebirds, whose plumage began to grow dim drastically in recent days. Tanya dejectedly sunk directly onto the floor. Even close friends do not believe her. They think that she wants to conceal an important secret from them. Would it be more pleasant for them if the spell of Slander had worked and turned her into ashes? Fortunately, soon Bab-Yagun and Vanka thawed and came first to her to be reconciled. Vanka’s forefinger was wound in a thick layer of bandage. He described with laughter how the firebird, which did not no t like the treatment prescribed by Tararakh, pecked him. “To be sure! Who likes it when they rub you with saliva of kikimora of kikimora!! Then how they began to shine! Simply like New Year Year trees!” He exclaimed. exc laimed. Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun looked at Vanka Vanka and shook his head: he ad: “Well! Possible to think you treated not firebirds but harpies! They indeed tore your soccer shirt again! There from behind and here...” Vanka stared at his own yellow soccer shirt, obviously had only now noticed that it was literally cut to shreds by the claws of the firebirds. “It’s when I held them and Tararakh smeared them. And I didn’t even notice...” he said dejectedly. “What’s with you? It’s simply a soccer shirt... Such are sold in bulk!” Tanya tried to calm him. Vanka raised his eyes to her and then immediately turned away. “You don’t understand... This soccer shirt... Papa gave it to me as a present when he was still almost sober. I remember, it was an outstanding day. We We went to the circus, ate a heap of ice cream, and then in the circus there was this soccer shirt...” Vanka growled. His lips trembled suspiciously. suspiciously. Even tactless Bab-Yagun, who in another time would definitely call Vanka a whining girl, held his tongue. Tanya looked at the soccer shirt. Although the claws of the firebirds had quite a day da y, it was still possible to save it. “I’ll patch it up. Take it off and bring it to me,” she ordered, sending Vanka off to change clothes.


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*** Imperceptibly evening approached. The clock in the drawing room already began to creak creak disgus disgustin tingly gly,, which which was usually usually before before they gathered gathered in earnes earnestt to give give the command “Break up!” when suddenly from the street was heard the flapping of wings. Two litt little le cupi cupids ds,, sagg saggin ing g in the the air air from from the the weig weight ht,, drag dragged ged into into the the wind window ow a tremendous box covered with dark-blue paper. “Look! A message has arrived for someone! What if it’s it’s for me?” Dusya Dus ya Dollova yelled enthusiastically. However, the little cupids, looking around in a business-like manner, decisively made their way to Tanya Tanya and dropped the box directly on her knees. “Well, of course, always Grotter! She walks around here as the favourite, the unlucky orphan! Auntie, give me a kopeck!” Coffinia snorted with env y. Tanya with difficulty held herself in control to not present her with a kick. She was stopped only by the little cupids, who, not letting her open the box, sweetly somersaulted in the air and begged for candy for the work. “Better pay them off or they’ll make you fall in love with someone. At least it happens to Shurasik. Just let them release an arrow into someone,” advised the long-nosed Verka Parrotova, nodding to the little cupids’ small bows hanging on the side. Lookin Looking g around around at Shuras Shurasik, ik, Tanya Tanya with with surpri surprise se notice noticed d that he reddene reddened d like like a tomato. Borrowing candies from Dusya Dollova, Tanya gave them to the messengers, and they, dividing them up in flight, flew out ou t the window. Only then could Tanya finally unwrap the paper quietly. quietly. Inside it turned out ou t to be a long cardboa cardboard rd box. box. Tryi Trying ng to guess guess what what could could be lying lying there, there, Tanya Tanya opened it and... and... screamed. Pleasure was instantly spoilt. An hourglass glided into her hands — the same that she saw in the mirror in Stinktopp’s office. Only a little bit of sand remained. And that was steadily dwindling, although it was running down as a thin stream not thicker than a hair h air.. No one among those crowding around Tanya glancing with curiosity under her hand had time yet to grasp what happened, but she already gripped the box and, after making a sign to Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun and Vanka, whispered to them: “Wee must go somewhere... Fast... Only not to my room, there Coffinia will butt in.” “W “Then here!” In a flash Bab-Yagun found his bearings, his room was right next door, and he dashed to open the door. Tanya turned up in Bab-Yagun’s for the first time. Nightmarish disorder reigned in his room. Clothing, notebooks, and textbooks were lying around on the floor. Then the vacuum — new and sparkling — completely occupied the entire table. “Hey, but you have a mess here! Was someone here?” Tanya was frightened, deciding that the harmful swamp bogey also came unexpectedly to Bab-Yagun. “No...” The grandson of Yagge dismissed it. “I was simply searching for something to clean the vacuum with, then I wiped it with the ceremonial robe there, all the same the end of the year is not here yet... Oho, what a clock! c lock! Who sent it to you?” “It’s the same that I saw with Plague-del-Cake! I’m sure it’s her last warning! Did the cupids really see her?” he r?” Tanya Tanya barely uttered.


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Bab-Yagun, Bab-Yagun, shivering when she uttered the hateful name, shook his head: head : “No, cupids are not evil spirits. They don’t like She-Who-Is-No-More and have nothing to do with with her. her. Most Most likely likely someone someone simply simply summoned summoned them — there there is this specia speciall whistle whistle — and they found this box, and on it... now let us look...” Vanka Vanka unrolled unrolled the dark-blue paper with a rustle. — Aha! I thought so! It reads: Deliver reads: Deliver to Tanya Grotter. Residence floor, room with Black Curtains. The cupids obviously flew there also, but saw you in the drawing room and an d immediately returned.” “And what am I to do with it now?” Tanya asked perplexedly. “For sure there’s some magic in it. Perhaps, break it?” “Don’t take it into your head, it can be even worse!” Bab-Yagun was frightened. “Better leave it here, I’ll then take it to granny. She’ll look into what it’s for... Hey, you hear? What’s happening there?” Unexpectedly someone lightly knocked on the door, and then it was opened, and in glanced... Yes, it was Sardanapal himself. Both his moustaches puffed out sternly and significantly. The friends stiffened. The appearance of the academician on the residential floor in the children’s bedrooms could mean only one thing: something extraordinary had happened. Sardanapal glanced for a moment at the hourglass, which was still in the hands of Tanya, Tanya, and slightly raised his eyebrows. “I’m waiting for you in the drawing room! Quick!” He said, disappearing, and in several seconds the children heard that he was knocking on the next door. It meant Sardanapal was assembling everyone and not only the three of them. Understanding this, the friends experienced relief. Gathered in the drawing room, the children saw that directly on the carpet was a large cauldron in which was boiling some viscous, unpleasantly reeking liquid. “If I have to drink it, I’ll immediately faint with a crash!” Coffinia warned. “I’ll even try to beat Shurasik to it, although it would not be easy.” “Everyone will drink this without exception! Including you, Cryptova,” Sardanapal broke her off. His voice sounded so inflexible that no one argued. It seemed before them now was a totally different Sardanapal — not that calm and all-forgiving head of Tibidox that they all knew. Even his bearing had changed. “So that’s what he is, the greatest magician!” Tanya thought not without admiration. Meanwhile Sardanapal gave everyone a spoon. “Tastes awful, I immediately warn you! I’ll not say what it’s prepared from, — you’ll drink more comfortably!” He informed them. “But at least what would it be for?” Verka Verka Parrotova asked timidly. timidly. Almost Almost simult simultaneo aneousl usly y with with her posing posing this this questio question, n, the walls walls of the Big Tower Tower trembled. It was heard how the cyclopes rushed stomping along the first floor, setting off for the basement. The academician merely winced, but, likely he was completely not surprised. “In this cauldron is a protection potion, very strong. After that story with the Hair and many other events about which you don’t even know, I want to be certain that nothing bad will happen to you. And now drink!” Pinching their noses, everybody began to scoop out the potion and swallow it. “Bl-ah! It’s even worse than I thought!” Coffinia flinched, and Gunya Glomov in confirmation of her words made a dismal face.


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At that moment, when Tanya had already brought the spoon to the mouth, her hand suddenly trembled and she spilled everything onto her chest. In this instant practically everybody grimaced, having already swallowed the malodorous tincture, and no one noticed this. Tanya wanted to scoop from the cauldron again, but Sardanapal already whispered something, releasing a spark. The cauldron disappeared. “Did you drink?” He asked Tanya. “Aha,” she answered before she had time to grasp that she had lied. But having lied, it was already awkward to correct herself. “Well, “W ell, good. And now to sleep...” the academician said, somehow smiling mysteriously. mysteriously. “This night will be long, very long...” *** Soon after Sardanapal left, Bab-Yagun slipped right behind him and, by a sign showed Tanya that he was taking her hourglass to Yagge. Tanya wanted to break into a run after Bab-Yagun, Bab-Yagun, but Shurasik, embarrassed, already approached her. “And where’s your pin? Why aren’t you wearing it?” He asked. “Eh-eh... It seems, I lost it somewhere,” Tanya impatiently answered, looking sideways after the moving away Bab-Yagun. “But indeed you’re also not wearing yours.” Shurasik frowned. “I’m a different matter... Then they’ll say that I make friends with myself. Wait, I’ll bring you a new one!” “No need!” Unable to control herself, Tanya began to yell, but, after glancing at Shurasik, Shurasik, she recollected recollected suddenly and affectionat affectionately ely slapped him on the shoulder: — You didn’t understand me. This means nothing. You are very nice, and I’m totally not laughing at you. And without this idio... very nice little heart. But now I have to run. Good night! Hop-hop!” Waving her hand at Shurasik and forgetting him in a flash, she rushed along the corridor after Bab-Yagun, but he had already disappeared somewhere, and Tanya did not yet know Tibidox so well as to find the magic station on her own. Heaving a sigh, she set off for her room in order to finish her lessons. According to the timetable there was another dragonball training tomorrow; therefore it was necessary to cram everything also for the day after tomorrow. Especially as Dentistikha, as if having gone crazy, assigned to them each time four chapters, not counting the number of spells, which must be learnt by heart. Shurasik, still like a dummy, knocked on her door, and Tanya Tanya pretended that she did not notice it. “It must be that he’s fallen in love with me! I’m lucky with these Genok Bulonovs!” She thought. Coffinia, yawning, had already lain down to sleep. Discovering that Tanya intended to be occupied, she kicked up a row and calmed down only when Tanya promised to guard her from Black Curtains. “And what kind of nonsense will you be dreaming today? Likely Yurka Idiotsyudov with a bouquet of burdock, galloping astride on Gunya Glomov to make a declaration of love to you,” Tanya minced her words, and Coffinia in a hurry held he r tongue.


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“Only don’t tell anyone anymore, or I’ll put an evil eye on you...” She growled, dived under the blanket, and soon, judging by the happy expression of her face, started to dream the same dream. Black Curtains started to snigger nastily and from their own bitchiness even got tied up in a bundle. Tanya anya finis finished hed evil spirit spiritss studie studies, s, copied copied severa severall recipe recipess for practi practical cal magic magic and already undertook to sew Vanka’s soccer shirt, when suddenly she sensed... Even she herself could not clearly describe what precisely... A vague anxiety suddenly poured out from the tip of her nose and along her entire body... Tanya Tanya could not stay in one place and leaped up. Coffinia as if nothing had happened was breathing heavily on the bed, Black Curtains limply stirred, evidently calculating how to play planks on them. Everything was seemingly calm, but here the anxiety would not go away anywhere and only increased in strength. Suddenly there was a short knock on the door and Tanya heard the agitated voice of Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun asking her to open it. Tanya opened. Bab-Yagun, Bab-Yagun, pale as a corpse, leaned against the wall. “Listen! I asked granny about the protection potion. She says that such actually exists, but sweet to taste. And from the fact that Sardanapal gave it to us, it almost shook me to the core!” He said with difficulty. difficulty. “So, it means, the potion was not...” “Right, not protection... Sardanapal under the guise gave us something different... And you know, I’m feeling strange somehow...” Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun shook and slipped down along the wall to the floor. The hourglass, which he was holding in his hand, fell and broke with a faint plop. However, However, even without that it was already clear that all the sand had dripped dripped down... Time had run out... Tanya rushed to Bab-Yagun Bab-Yagun and began to pull at him, but the body of Bab-Yagun, lying on the carpet, precisely hardened. It was hard and stiff. Tanya carefully knocked on his hand, and the hand of Bab-Yagun answered with a knock like a wooden door or a tabletop. Pressing her ear against his chest, Tanya heard that the heart of Bab-Yagun was ticking, but it was beating sparsely and indistinctly. indistinctly. “Hey, get up! Run to the magic station! And you wake up! Trouble!” Tanya yelled, rushing to the bed and beginning to shake Coffinia. But her roommate stubbornly did not open her eyes, and even in a minute Tanya suddenly understood that Coffinia’s hand, which she was shaking, was as heavy and stiff as Bab-Yagun’s. Seized by a terrible suspicion, she rushed into the adjacent bedroom, to sneakus, Dusya Dollova and Verka Parrotova, and, whispering the break-in spell spell Fogus sneakus, dived in there. Dusya Dollova and Verka Parrotova were lying on their beds motionless like statues. long! ” Tanya recalled the words of Sardanapal and his “This night will be long, very long!” incom incompr prehe ehens nsibl iblee chuck chuckle le.. Why did did he say so? so? Did Did his his word wordss have have some some hidd hidden en meaning? Now the answer to these questions was already clear. Tanya ran by several more rooms, but it was the same everywhere. Everyone who had drunk Sardanapal’s potion in the evening beca me stiff and barely gave any signs of life, if we do not consider the weak palpitation. Really could Sardanapal have gone to the side of Plague-del-Cake, he, the founder of Tibidox? And they, fools, still suspected Slander Slanderych and Professor Stinktopp. As if the prophecy did not clearly warn:


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Guile of immortals not possible to reckon – Even the one who cannot will commit treason. “And really Sardanapal could betray? Certainly not... Here the prophecy also came true,” Tanya thought. She did not notice how she turned up in her own room again. Her legs brought her. From the broken hourglass emerged a bluish fog, forming into shaky, unpleasant outlines of letters: I hope you already saw what the Wooden Fiend is capable of. Now no one will interfere with me. Tonight after midnight I will open the Sinister Gates. Plague-delCake. Tanya involuntarily glanced at the clock. The only hand already approached the highest line. No more than ten minutes left till midnight. Plague-del-Cake, vile monster escaped from the jails of Tibidox, the killer of her parents, was already below. Soon she would open the gates, and then Chaos would gush out in a wide stream into the world. Suddenly Tanya shook. It seemed to her as if the book of her memory, closed from infancy, was thrown open to the first pages of life. In the girl’s ears voices persistently began to sound: “Oh, what a dark-complexioned baby! Come to the hands of Auntie Plague! And you, Grotter, Grotter, stop, if you want to live!” live!” Someone wheezed. “Get away! Don’t touch the girl!” girl!” A male voice shouted. Disgusting Disgusting squeaky laughter laughter — and almost almost immediately a high female female screech, screech, after which Tanya Tanya heard a child’s crying — her own crying. “ Here to you! Take it!” it!” The man shouted. A faint crackle was heard, the kind when you release sparks. A whole shower of sparks. The ring on Tanya’s Tanya’s finger was red-hot. “Sparks? Really you think that this green shower and sickly white spells will hurt me? Crawl, my little scorpion! Kill her before their eyes! “ And later... later you will return to me what is necessary to me!” me!” Someone hissed. Earlier Tanya had never experienced hatred for anyone. Even Aunt Ninel and Pipa, frequently insulting her, did not provoke in her this feeling. She did not love them, but no more than that. No, she will not forgive Plague-del-Cake for the death of her parents, she will not let her open the Sinister Gates. Afraid that she did not have time, Tanya rushed to the magic double bass. She took it, but she suddenly recalled that all flight spells are blocked in the corridors of Tibidox. The girl already began to put the case back when her hand stumbled upon the clay jug. She grabbed it and jumped out of the room. “Hey, where are you going? I heard how you slammed the doors... What, elephants chasing you?” Someone hailed her. Vanka Valyalkin looked sleepily from the room. Without his yellow soccer shirt, in the usual training robe of white magicians he looked somehow unusual. “It’s all Sardanapal! You’re really not stiff? He put everyone to sleep with his potion! You remember his words about the ‘long night’?” Tanya Tanya shouted. “Yes? Well, so... You know me. I can gobble up anything I want. Potions also don’t act on me. I was indeed born so,” said Vanka, not without pride looking sideways at his hollow stomach. The clock wheezed, preparing to strike midnight.


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“Quick, “Quick, to the basement! basement! There’s There’s Plague! Plague! She wants to open the gates!” gates!” Tanya Tanya darted from the place. “Wait, it’s impossible! There are the heroes and the cyclopes... Wait, at least I’ll put shoes on... Well okay oka y, barefeet!” And Vanka Valyalkin Valyalkin dashed after Tanya. His pink heels resonantly thumped on the carpet. Chapter 14 The Sinister Gates

Running down the stairs, Tanya hardly recognized the Hall of Two Elements. The strip of fire dividing it before... no, not died out or disappeared, but what happened to it was improbable. Indeed Tanya had never seen frozen fire. The bluish tongue of flames froze whimsically, whimsically, motionless, gripped by dense ice. Certainly this fire could no longer longe r serve as a barrier. The creation of light and the creation of dark were mixed. Firebirds, blazing, fought off the bats, and the Humpbacked Horse, jumping up high, trampled tarantulas with its hoofs. With dozens of cobras, hissing, turning to them, the children bounced in a hurry, hurry, but the cobras were stretched out at the foot of the stairs, barring the way and not letting them into the hall. However, the snakes were not the only obstacle. The marble Atlases, seen in the distant corner where there was the invisible arch, which leads to the basement stairs, were also not sleeping. sleeping. They deliberately deliberately moved close to one another, another, getting up so that their powerful rock bodies effectively blocked the arch. “Well now! Here the snakes, and there the Atlases! And how will we, interestingly, get into the basement?” Tanya asked. Vanka looked around in a business-like manner. “Wait,” “W ait,” he said. “With “With the snakes, perhaps, it’ll work out, but here with the Atlases... Atlases... Okay, for the time being I’ll get busy with the snakes, and you think how to convince them to move. Have in mind that these are extremely obstinate objects.” “Inte “Interes restin ting, g, how will will he manage manage the snakes snakes?” ?” Tanya anya thought thought.. Meanwh Meanwhile ile Vanka reached from his pocket the scrap of magic tablecloth tablecloth and started started to energetical energetically ly shake it. Cutlets and pickles fell thick and fast from the tablecloth. “What, you want to pelt the snakes with cutlets? A first-rate plan!” Tanya snorted mockingly, mockingly, but Valyalkin Valyalkin did not even ev en glance in her direction. “Well, stub! How often I had a hard time with you! At least once produce something worthwhile! Well Well at least a carrot or a piece piec e of sugar!” He begged. Finally the tablecloth heeded his entreaties and on the steps rolled down a carrot. Vanka, bending down in a hurry, caught it and started to whistle to lure the Humpbacked Horse. First it only looked askance unwillingly and moved its long ears, but then, drawn by the appetizing sight of the carrot, in two leaps flew half the hall, swept over the heads of the cobras — and here h ere it was already beside be side them, eating from Vanka’s Vanka’s palm. “Climb onto its back!” Vanka Vanka ordered. “And we’ll not crush it?” “And I tell you: no. Quick!” Tanya climbed onto the horse, holding onto its ears with her hands, and Vanka jumped from from behind, behind, onto onto the rump, rump, arms arms around around Tanya. Tanya. The Humpback Humpbacked ed Horse, Horse, almost almost complet completely ely hidden hidden under under its riders, riders, pushed pushed off off from from the stairs stairs with with its hoofs and, and,


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trampling the snakes and the tarantulas, flew across the Hall of Two Elements. Here it, playing a naughty trick, abruptly tucked in its front legs. The friends flew over its head, rolling directly to the feet of the Atlases. “Why have you come? We’ll let no one pass! Such is the order!” The Atlases said hoarsely. Tanya shrugged her shoulders: “But I also don’t want to go anywhere! As if I need this basement with the dead rats very much. Hey, weaklings! You’ll not catch me! Stone dimwits! Anti-tank hedgehogs! Blockheads!” The Atlases began to grit their teeth so that marble crumbs fell from them. “Don’t think that we’re such fools... We’ll chase after you, and you’ll rush through the arch. No indeed...” the right Atlas said said with a grinding sound. “What’s your arch to us?” Tanya said indifferently, thinking to herself that the Atlases were not quite such simple nuts. “I saw it in a coffin in white slippers... Vanka, you need it?” “The arch? Why, I haven’t seen invisible arches? Such a poor arch. Not without reason such weaklings were placed here he re to guard it. The rest of the Atlases, more powerful, stand on the stairs, prop up the arch, and these, the puniest, spend time here yakking,” Vanka played up to her. Here the first and only time in history h istory the marble Atlases grew red. Vanka Vanka revealed their most vulnerable place. “You lie!” The Atlases simmered. “Come closer so that I could crush you like pitiful insects! We’re the strongest of all — my brother and I! Those on the stairs hold only the arch, but we hold the stairs, and other Atlases, and the arch... The entire Tibidox stands on us! Tanya with affected indifference sat on the floor. “Well, so you two hold it together, not alone! One probably will be too weak. The nose will slip down to the heels, and the ears will entangle... Here you, Right-hander,” here she poked the right Atlas with a finger, “probably indeed punier than Left-hander. Left-hander. How strong he is over there!” The right Atlas got so mad that even the ceiling began to shake, then the left swelled up from pride. Noticing this, Right-hander got even more infuriated. “Ah well, go away!” He began to roar at his brother. “I’ll show them who’s a weakling! Let go of the ceiling, I’ll support everything alone! The entire castle!” Left-hander shrugged his shoulders, let go of the arches of Tibidox and clumsily took a step from the pedestal. Now the entire monstrous weight of Tibidox turned out to be on the shoulders of his brother. That one sagged, strained, but maintained. The rock spheres of his muscles swelled. “Well “W ell now, I showed you? Showed you?” Right-hander wheezed. “Smart fellow! Now I see that you have earned your kasha!” kasha!” Tanya shouted and, slapping the Atlas on the leg, rushed after Vanka Vanka into the invisible arch. The deceived Atlases began to roar, but it was too late. The children began to go down. In the gloom of the basement red pupils flared up here and there. “Oho! How many evil spirits here! And from where did they crawl out one after another?” Vanka whispered.


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“Go quietly, do not make abrupt movements and confidently look along the sides! Then the evil spirits will not attack!” Tanya recalled one of the lessons of Medusa. She took a deep breath and took the first step towards the red pupils. After the first step it was the second, the third... “Only don’t be frightened! I’m not afraid... afraid... I’m... I’m not...” Tanya Tanya repeated to herself, herself, trying to look above the red pupils. pupils. That Vanka was beside her gave her courage. When they were a step or two from the evil spirits, those suddenly rushed with a peep to the sides and yielded the way. “It worked!” Not being able to control herself, Tanya Tanya exclaimed. “Don’t be too happy,” Vanka said softly. “Look around!” Tanya looked around. Behind them along the corridor crawled hundreds, thousands of red flames. It seemed the evil spirits were driving them on, and, if they plan on turning back now, the vile creatures would not allow them. “Yes, “Yes, Plague-Del-Cake made an excellent effort... At first they did not admit us into the basement, and now they’ll not let us out from the basement,” Tanya said apprehensively, pulling the magic ring on her finger — the only thing that could at least somehow protect them from the evil spirits. They turned the corner, made their way to the second invisible arch discovered by BabYagun earlier. Suddenly someone moved in the gloom, and a scorching fiery tongue was directed towards them. “Duck!” Tanya dropped to the floor, pulling Vanka with her. Their hair almost got singed, a jet of fire swept over them. The friends raised themselves on their knees. An enormous dragon barred the corridor. Golden scales were gleaming dimly. dimly. “Mercury!” Tanya recognized. “It’s “It’s Mercury!” Hearing its name, the dragon raised half-closed eyelids, and a new jet of fire forced them against the floor. The evil spirits around the corner squealed in alarm, not daring to appear. “How did it turn up here?” Tanya whispered, estimating that they in no way would manage to go around a round Mercury. Mercury. The dragon stopped up the passage exactly like a plug. “Someone let it out of the hangar... Or even burrowed a way through from there... Look, a spear is sticking out of its nose. Someone aspired very much to anger it...” Tanya stared. So it was: in the nose, next to the nostril, in one of the most vulnerable places of a dragon, the shaft of a spear was sticking out. The dragon was breathing hoarse, occasionally breathing out jets of flame. “It’s “It’s in pain! Here’s Here’s a wretch!” Vanka continued. “Must pull the spear out ou t of it. Then it, possibly, possibly, will agree to let us pass... pa ss... I’ll go for it!” “Don’t even think about it! It’ll incinerate you!” Tanya Tanya was frightened. “I hope not. How lucky that Tararakh recently taught me how to calm dragons,” said Vanka. However, there was no confidence in his voice. No one knew how Mercury would behave, dragons are not predictable. Especially injured and frightened, and stuck in a tight basement. “Well, let’s... Wish me luck... If something happens to me, you can keep my soccer shirt,” Vanka Vanka said quietly and got up. Mercury followed him intently with its non-blinking yellow eyes, ready to breathe out flame as soon as Vanka Vanka would take a step. The spear trembled in its nose.


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“Valerianus psychopathus!” psychopathus!” Vanka uttered. “V “Valerianus psychopathus!” psychopathus!” The heavy eyelids of the dragon were lowered. Instead of flame it was breathing out puffs of smoke. Vanka sighed and in a hurry screened himself with his hand. Tanya saw that his hand was covered with burns. “Calm... calm... I will not harm you... I know, you scorched me by accident...” Vanka psychopathus!” said with a faltering voice. “V “Valerianus psychopathus!” He approached Mercury and, looking firmly into its eyes, seized the shaft. The dragon guardedly waited. “Now it’ll be painful, but not for very long. You’ll endure it? Only don’t take it into your head to breathe fire... I’m not smeared with vampire bile, I’ll quickly perish... Clear to you?” Dragon raised its scaly head, opened the mouth slightly. Its double tongue touched the shaft slightly and immediately hid. “Now good! I count to three and pull... One... Two...” Tanya closed her eyes tightly. She heard how Vanka shouted “three” and how the dragon began to roar. And then a long, scorching jet of flame swept over her head. Mercury could not stand the pain. Opening her eyes, she saw that Vanka was lying on the ground, covering his face with his hands, next to him the spear rolled around, and the dragon, soiling its leathery wings, crawled away in the passage opened by the evil spirits leading into the hangar. Not waiting till its tail had disappeared, Tanya rushed to Vanka. He was alive, although his whole face was covered with blisters, and the charred robe was hanging by shreds. “I’m lucky that I fell when I pulled the spear. It only barely saved me,” bending over from the pain, Vanka Vanka whispered. “What a fool, I should have said Painus said Painus suppressus, then Mercury would feel nothing. Why did I forget?” Tanya helped him sit up. Vanka Vanka groaned when she touched his hands. “Wait, “W ait, I’ll take you to magic station...” “No need. I myself... Go, the way is free. Don’t let She-Who-Is-No-More open the gate,” Vanka whispered, pressing his back against the wall and releasing a green spark onto the evil spirits showing themselves from the corner. They hid themselves with an unpleasant chirp. frontis!” Vanka “Sparkis frontis!” Vanka whispered, throwing several sparks after them. Tanya tarried. It was necessary to choose. If Plague opens the Sinister Gates, then there will be nothing already. Neither Tibidox nor Vanka nor Bab-Yagun. Then the magic station also would not help. “Fine. Wait for me. I’ll be soon!” She decided and, looking around at Vanka, quickly went forward. Soon Soon she she was was alre already ady by the the seco second nd invi invisi sibl blee arch arch disc discov over ered ed by Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun. n. Squeezing her fist tightly so that the magic ring would not jump off, Tanya took a step through the spectral stone. A familiar short corridor led her into the smoky hall. h all. Usynya, Dubynya, and Gorynya were lying side by side next to the bonfire, and the enormous gouty soles of one of the cyclopes protruded from a distant corridor. Likely the guards fell where Wooden Fiend overpowered overpowered them. The flame of the bonfire appeared frozen same as in the Hall of Two Elements. It seemed this fate befell all the fires in Tibidox, only not spreading to the dragons. “Probably Sardanapal was also here with his potion!” Tanya thought.


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She irresolutely entered the hall and looked around. The Sinister Gates were still closed, although the terrible gnash and roar from the other side shook them incessantly. An open rock coffin stood near the gates themselves. Tanya’s heart became clogged with uneasiness. How she wanted now to turn and run away! But it was not possible to do so. Too many fates depended now on what would be her next step. Putting forward her hand with the ring, Tanya began to steal carefully up to the coffin. She expected to see there the disgusting old woman and to quickly throw a fight spark at her. frontis!” Not being able to control herself, she shouted, several steps away “Sparkis frontis!” from the coffin. The green spark, into which Tanya Tanya put all her pain, all the love for her parents, all her hatred for Plague, broke away from the ring and struck the coffin. The rock coffin turned over and split. It was revealed that it was empty. Inside there was nothing except a black cover. A disgusting gurgling laughter was heard, nothing more loathsome could be imagined. On the first step leading to the Sinister Gates, a tall old woman in a long violet robe appeared. Her dry chopped off arms were thrown across her shoulders like ropes. One of the hands gripped the gold sword. Red light streamed from the eye sockets of the dried face more like a skull. “Plague-del-Cake!” Tanya exclaimed. She-Who-Is-No-More stopped laughing. “Oh, you’re not afraid to say my name!” She hissed in amazement. Her voice was similar similar to the grinding of sandpaper sandpaper.. “Your “Your parents were also not afraid. afraid. And look what became of them...” The bony face of Plague was distorted, smeared, and for a second other features passed through in it. Tanya saw the face of a man with a small beard and the dark-complexioned face of a young woman, something like her own. “ No, don’t touch the child! You’ll not laugh! She’s so small!” small!” serpent!” Again their voices sounded. “TANYA! No! Not the serpent!” “Nonentities! You hear how they degraded themselves, only to preserve your life! They thought thought to arouse arouse my pity pity with with their their moans! moans!”” Plague Plague said, assumi assuming ng her previo previous us appearance. “I hate you! Sparkis frontis!” frontis!” Tanya shouted with her entire strength, tossing up her hand. The departed spark slid along the sword and, flying away from it, again dashed to the one who released it. Only now the spark was red... The girl felt a strong blow, which knocked her down. In the next moment the ring broke loose from her finger and, after flickering in the air, stuck to the blade of the gold sword. Plague-del-Cake removed it and tossed it on her palm. “A nightma nightmare! re!”” The ring ring squeak squeaked. ed. “I’m “I’m in a trap! trap! I’m going to faint! faint! Boom-s! Boom-s! I already fainted, if anyone is interested...” Plague-del-Cake shook it slightly and the voice immediately became quiet. “I’ve waited that so you’ll do this, little one...” she minced words. “Leopold Grotter’s ring! Unfortunately, it isn’t suitable for real magic supporting death, and I don’t use other’s... Well no matter, it’ll fill my collection... Perhaps you did not know that the one who wields the gold sword doesn’t fear fight spells? But even when I did not have the


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sword, I did not greatly fear them. You think your father and mother did not shower me with sparks? A whole torrent, but I only sneered at them. No, not sparks that drove me into the rock coffin, not sparks that took away my power...” The face of She-Who-Is-No-More flinched. It literally breathed hatred. Tanya saw how her dry skin swelled up like bubbles and subsided. Under it something formed a lump, seethed... Red fire poured from the empty eye sockets. “Ten “Ten years years in the coffin coffin,, ten long long years years — in complet completee conscio consciousn usness ess but withou withoutt power! power!”” Plague Plague-de -del-C l-Cake ake croake croaked. d. “I was alway alwayss asking asking mysel myselff the questi question, on, what what destroyed me then, trampled, crushed... Your parents did not do it, no... And finally I understood what it was. The Talisman! Talisman! The Talisman Talisman of Four Elements, which your father contrived somehow to transfer onto you! That Talisman, Talisman, which, at the time, I also went we nt to you for! You You have it, I know! Return it to me!” Plague-del-Cake took a step to Tanya. Her bones rattled dryly under the robe. The girl crawled away in a hurry, but her back was resting against the cold copper of the Sinister Gates. The gates shuddered, began to drone. Behind them something powerful, terrible was hitting against them and could not break loose... “You see the small hollow under the lion head on the right? If you want to live, return the Talisman Talisman to me: I’ll put it there!” She-Who-Is-No-More said hoarsely. hoarsely. “You’re simply a silly old woman with earthworms in the head!” Tanya flew into a rage. rage. “Retur “Return n to the coffin! coffin! You’ You’ll ll never open the Gates Gates because because I don’t don’t have any talisman.” Plague-del-Cake began to hiss and threw up u p her dry hands. “You “You lie, lie, ther theree is! is! Look Look aroun around: d: ther there, e, beyond beyond the the gates gates,, Chao Chaos! s! Chao Chaoss — it’ it’s monstrous power! I’ll inhale it into myself, I’ll command them as I rule over the evil spirits now! Limitless authority! If you would know what it is, girl! Once I was already there, behind these Gates, and I waited, until the magic of The Ancient One and his student Sardanapal fails... And this happened a long thousand years ago. Sardanapal and Slander Slander did not immedi immediate ately ly miss miss my disappe disappeara arance nce — pitifu pitifull blunder blunderers ers!! Barely Barely meeting meeting with with resist resistance ance,, with with the power power accumu accumulat lated ed over over the centur centuries ies I began began to destroy destroy magicia magicians ns one after after another another — white white and black, black, made no differ difference ence.. I only needed one thing — to force them to open the gates! All magicians feared me terribly, feared even to pronounce my name, inventing this amusing nickname She-Who-Is-NoMore... And here, when I was almost on target, I understood that I need the Talisman! Without it the Gates will forever remain closed, even if I cut into two the Hair of this decrepit charlatan The Ancient One, who arranged good and evil on shelves like flasks in a pantry! I needed that very Talisman which your father struggled with over long years... He, a fool, made it in order to protect you from me, not knowing that it’s even the key to the Sinister Gates! Here are these Gates!” Plague-del-Cake at a run pushed the gates with her shoulder. They began to drone. As if knowi knowing ng who who was was knock knockin ing, g, Chaos Chaos answ answer ered ed in a thou thousa sand nd voices voices — sque squeal alin ing, g, squeaking, howling. Tanya was thrown to the side, but Plague made an imperceptible movement, and the girl felt that her body barely obeyed her. The arms and legs were filled with lead weights. With the greatest difficulty she took one half-step and fell at first to her knees, and then tumbled down sideways. The clay pitcher rolled from her hands and stood still beside her on the floor. Plague glanced at it without interest, obviously deciding that inside was some protection potion.


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“Probably the Talisman she searches for doesn’t look like this. Here she also doesn’t need a jug,” Tanya Tanya thought. “Listen. I want you to know everything before I kill you!” She-Who-Is-No-More continued to speak hoarsely. “I followed your father... All the evil spirits were spying for me. Leopold Grotter could not take cover from me even in the densest forest. And here once they reported to me that one of his experiments was crowned by success. He obtained the Talisman of Four Elements. Immediately, while your father did not guess what was precisely in his hands, I flew there... The house was already surrounded by my servants servants — the evil spirits. spirits. They mobbed, they tried to attack, but he fired fired back with sparks, sufficiently successfully. This cowardly carrion did not dare to approach and only hooted from a distance... I tore away the door and entered... In the room there were three: Leopold, his wife your mother, and you, a pitiful girl in a double bass case. Leopold and your mother were frightened when they saw me, but you only smiled and stretched your arms out to me... To me, to Plague-del-Cake, to the killer of magicians! It seemed amusing to me. I began to demand the Talisman from your parents, threatening to kill you, but these brave fools scorched me with sparks! Then I killed them, like this!” Plague closed her fist and turned it. Immediately Tanya felt as if her heart had stopped. Before her eyes red circles began to disperse, disperse, precisely precisely like a stone dropped into water. water. The world began to grow dim and fade. But this lasted only an instant. Plague unclenched her fist. “Exactly how they died,” she said with a chuckle, similar to the grinding of sandpaper. “Don’t be afraid! You’ll You’ll die differently d ifferently,, and still not time yet...” “What was it then?” Tanya said. Sweat was running thick and fast along her face. How to battle with Plague there: she did not even feel any strength in her to simply get up on her feet. “I released a scorpion on you. I like to watch how it stings magicians and they die in front of my eyes in terrible pain. The scorpion crept along your clothing, clothing, then along the face, and bit you on the nose. I expected to see your agony, but you only went ‘oh’ and crushed my scorpion! I thought that it was rid of its poison, though it was impossible... Then I decided to kill you myself and get busy with the search for the Talisman. I breathed death on you and...” Plague winced, “my breath for some reason returned to me, on top of that became a flame... It charred me, tore off my arms, and I fell on the same place where I was standing. I saw everything, heard everything, but could not even move... I was alive and dead at the same time, worse than dead... All my power flowed out of me like yolk from a cracked egg... In a short while the evil spirits arrived. They decided that I had perished, carried me away to some of their distant passages and placed me in a rock coffin.” Plague-del-Cake fixed on Tanya her red eyes without pupils. “Ten whole years, as prophesied by this old fogy The Ancient One who had lost his mind, I spent in the coffin coffin at your mercy!” mercy!” She hissed. hissed. “Ten whole years! Only when these ten years had elapsed, my power again began to appear. At first it was enough only for several minutes a day, then I again had to return...” Plague with hatred kicked the cracked cracked coffin. coffin. “Finall “Finally y after after some time time I was able to trace trace you to the world of the moro morono noid ids. s. Life Lifele less ss Grif Griffi fin n helpe helped d me. The The bird bird foll follow owed ed to wher wheree Medu Medusa sa and and Sardanapal took you. And then I arrived just in time on the day when you would be in the museum and stole the sword from the moronoids. I could do this even earlier, but I


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wanted to laugh over you. You were a mouse, and I the cat... I lingered before delivering the decisive attack. I wanted to prolong your torment. And then it was necessary to clarify whether you have h ave the Talisman. Anything could happen hap pen in ten years. You You could lose it, or the moronoids took it away from you, deciding that it’s a trinket.” “Uncle Herman and Aunt Ninel took nothing away from me because I had nothing. Don’t you understand this? You killed my parents for nothing!” Tanya shouted with hatred. Tears flowed from her eyes. She did not want to howl in order to not give Plague the pleasure, but nevertheless she did... “Really for nothing? Meaning, they nevertheless had to be killed for something?” Plague was surprised. “And I confirm that you have the Talisman... Why do you think I set Lifeless Griffin on you? I only wanted to verify what would be... You again survived! Your father, this pitiful clever fellow, must admit he was a good alchemist! He gave you outstanding protection. Yes, you have the Talisman... But where is it? Where are you hiding it? What does it look like?” “So here’s where Griffin’s from... But he was in the office of Stinktopp! We even suspected Stinktopp...” Tanya muttered. What fools they were! How deftly they were being led by the nose! Plague-del-Cake sneered. Her dead jaws with the bluish teeth cracked disgustingly. disgustingly. “It’ “It’s I who ordere ordered d Griff Griffin in to search search Stink Stinktop topp’ p’ss sanctu sanctuary ary!! I knew knew that that this this old blockhead adores any poultry, moreover the more deformed it is, the more he trembles over it. Once he even studied veterinary magic with Tararakh. It was necessary to ask him...” “But why was Griffin hiding in Stinktopp’s?” Stinktopp’s?” “What do you mean why? I surmised that you would steal into his office. I wanted to verify whether you had lost your talisman of power. Will it be able to deal with black magic? And it did, and dealt with so easily that you even felt nothing. True, the magic was stronger by the table, but you did not poke your nose there: the Talisman warned you, made magic visible... No, Stinktopp did not cut the Hair in two. I had another assistant in Tibidox.” “Who? Who?” Tanya shouted. It was extremely important for her to know this, even if Plague would kill her in several minutes. The thought that she could suspect someone in vain was agonizing for her. “I’ll not tell. Guess it yourself!” “I know! Sardanapal!” The evil spirits, crowding in the corners, began to cough cou gh from enthusiasm. She-Who-Is No-More glanced at Tanya with interest. “Oh, but you’re an amusing girl! Really you thought that the head of Tibidox, the favourite student of The Ancient One, could be a traitor? The one who did so much for you! He protected you in the world of moronoids and then, disregarding the prophecy, brought you to Tibidox! When the time comes to kill Sardanapal, I’ll make him happy with this news.” Tanya became ashamed. “So, it means, it’s not his potion that lulled everyone to sleep? But I thought...” Plague impatiently interrupted her. her. “No, I summoned the Fiend with the help of the one who serves me... But the potion which Sardanapal gave you was the restorative pitch from hydra poison... This pitch


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weakens the action of killing magic. I must say that the academician succeeded in time. If he were late, tonight everyone would become the deceased. Now they only sleep... Think further, I’m beginning to lose patience. Soon it’ll be necessary for me to kill you.” “Really Slander? Yes, exactly him! He hid someone in the vase,” Tanya groaned, berating herself for slow wits. She recalled in the smallest detail that evening when she met Eyeless Horror with Lieutenant Rzhevskii, and then almost immediately Slander prowling to the vase from a dark corridor. corridor. “You think he hid me in a vase?” The disgusting old woman burst out laughing in such a way that she nearly lost her head. “No, Slander is not my ally, though he’s also an outand-out old fox... Possibly, he’ll still come over to my side, but as yet no... You again did not guess right...” Tanya did not believe her: “But who was in the vase?” Plague Plague-del -del-Ca -Cake ke looked looked around around,, throwi throwing ng an interr interrogat ogative ive look look to the evil evil spirit spiritss crowding in the corner. The evil spirits prompted something squeakily. “Ah-ha, “Ah-ha, understood,” understood,” She-Who-IsShe-Who-Is-No-Mo No-More re drawled. drawled. “There was a mermaid mermaid in the vase. The same one that you treated in veterinary magic. Likely Slander stole her from the pond.” “But why did he steal an evil spirits from the pond? Slander cannot stand the evil spirits!” Plague flinched with disgust. “The moronoids call this feeling ‘love at first sight.’ In reality these are all tricks of the cupids — vile tots with bows! For sure he annoyed them with something, and they as an answer lay in wait for him somewhere and released a love arrow. But into the mermaid — a repugnant arrow in order that she did not want to even look at him. They always amuse themselves so.” Tanya recalled the little cupid, whom the dean dragged by the ear and everything became clear. So that is why Slander Slanderych rubbed himself with something stinky! He wanted to please the mermaid, knowing that she, an evil spirit, must be drawn by sharp odours! For sure that day when Tararakh rolled the keg with the mermaid, the offended little cupid in red suspenders was hiding somewhere beside him, searching for someone for the menacing dean to fall in love with. The whimsical mermaid, recently cured of carp louse, seemed to him as the most suitable candidate. “I don’t believe that it’s not Slander! But who then is the traitor? There’s simply no one else! Medusa? Dentistikha? Who?” Tanya shouted with conviction. The lead weakness pressing her into the flagstones gradually let off. Tanya felt that, if required, she would be able to jump up quickly and run. But only to where? The evil spirits were crowding in all the passages. Now, when she did not have her h er magic ring, she would not even be able to frighten them with a fight spark. So for the time being the girl remained on the floor, pretending that she could h ardly stir as before. Unexpectedly, the evil spirits made room, freeing a path, and Tanya saw Shurasik running into the hall. The all A student looked around unhappily. Likely that here, in the basement, he was unsure of himself. “He also did not fall asleep like Vanka and me! The magic did not act on him. He got up and set off to search for me! What a fine fellow!” Tanya thought, deeply touched. Fearing for Shurasik, she jumped and darted to him:


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“Shurasik! Careful, Plague is here! Drive away the evil spirits with a fight spark! Call Sardanapal, Medusa!” But Shurasik evidently did not understand what was shouted to him. He stood on the spot and stupidly blinked his watery eyes, continuously looking at Tanya and as if surprised at something. Deciding that he was lost, Tanya gripped him by the hand and wanted to pull him after herself, but here Shurasik suddenly deftly tripped her. It was so unexpected that the girl went sprawling, her forehead bleeding. Tanya sat down on the floor. There was a ringing in her head. “What are you doing? What, have you lost your mind?” She yelled. “It’s you who’s lost your mind. I’m not going anywhere from the Gates, which my lady will now open!” Shurasik announced dully, not tearing off his devoted gaze from Plaguedel-Cake. He was like a dog waiting for a treat to be thrown to him. A terrible suspicion, already not even a suspicion but a certainty c ertainty crept over Tanya. “It’s “It’s true? Shurasik, the truth? Really it’s you who was Plague’s Plague’s assistant?” Shurasik leaned towards her and grabbed her by the hair. His pale face with transparent skin became even paler p aler.. The colourless eyes blinked with hatred. “No one liked me...” he sobbed furiously. “No one! Neither here, nor there in the world of the moronoids! I crammed lessons day and night, and everyone only called me a bore, a nerd, a know-it-all! No one wanted to understand what I feel, that I cry at night in my pillow, because I want to be the best of all! They kicked me, bewitched my boots... And the moronoids, when I was still studying among them, spat on me and beat me when once I told the teacher that they copied the test! And then somehow I got a two! Not for anything, although I knew everything best of all! Suddenly something boiled up in my chest and the mark book caught fire. The diary flared up after it, and fungi grew on the teacher’s head. I sensed a power in me and decided to take vengeance on all of them, but did not have time. They took me away to Tibidox! Here Sardanapal felt sorry for me and put me among the white magicians, although I wanted terribly to be among the black. But I kept quiet, although I harboured spite. Here at first it was even pleasant for me, but after that the same began. Again they didn’t like me, and then I planned this: to pay everyone back at once — both the moronoids and the magicians! To pay back the entire world that has been so unfair to me! I read close to hundreds of books, thinking how to do this, until I read in one that underground in a coffin lies Plague-del-Cake — She-Who-Is-No-More. ‘Here,’ I thought, ‘is the one I’ll serve! She’ll give me power! She’ll help me take vengeance!’ vengeance!’ And I began to bring victims to her — insects, birds, mice, uttering special spells spells at the same time. And I returned returned power to her,” Shurasik spasmodically spasmodically breathed in. “Yes, so it was all the time... He regenerated me and returned power to me! He who everyone considered the best in the white department! And not a single black magician is even fit to hold a candle to him!” Plague said encouragingly. Her right hand slid down from the shoulder and flew up to Shurasik. He fell onto his knees and put his lips to this dead hand with dry yellow skin. Tanya was staggered by loathing, but Shurasik, it seemed, noticed nothing. He was indeed mad. “I began to hear in dreams the voice of my mistress! She ordered me on what to do...” continued Shurasik. “I hid the gold sword in a hiding-place in my room, and then, when everybody was watching this idiotic dragonball, sneaked into the Walled-up Basement along the path dug by the evil spirits and cut the Hair in two. Then I handed the sword to


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Agukh, and returned to the stadium myself. Agukh said that soon after me Sardanapal ran into the Basement and braced his head. Indeed, besides me, only Sardanapal knew that only a white magician could have cut the Hair.” “So here’s why all the following days Sardanapal was so depressed! It was hard for him to believe that among us whites can turn out this scoundrel!” Tanya thought. At the same time time she underst understood ood why the academi academicia cian n just just as uncondi unconditio tional nally ly truste trusted d the black black magicians. None of the blacks could cut the Hair in two, so, among them there could not even be a traitor. “And how marvellously I contrived with the little hearts!” Shurasik continued. “All of you pinned them on your chests...” “In order to support you! You You understand — support!” suppo rt!” “No, it’s a lie!” Shurasik began to squeal. “You only pretended, and in reality mocked me! You think I didn’t see how you secretly exchanged glances and twirled your fingers by the the temp temple le?” ?” Here Here some someth thin ing g came came to Shur Shuras asik ik’’s mind, mind, and he chuck chuckle led. d. But no one, none surmised what the letters ‘WF’ mean and why they’re outlined with stones! This is the invite spell for the Wooden Fiend! It’s I who lulled everyone to sleep this night! I summoned Fiend and handed over to it those who had the little heart! I only had to lull to sleep Coffinia and Glomov! I moulded figures of them from wax and addressed them! But I was mistaken about Vanka Valyalkin! I did not know that he had taken off the soccer shirt and indeed the little heart was on it!” “So this is why you yourself did not wear your little heart!” Tanya Tanya shouted. Shurasik bounced on the spot. “Yes, yes, precisely why! But indeed you also did not wear it! You lost it somewhere! Or discarded it! Especially! But I spent most of the time on your little heart! Picked the stones almost the whole night! YOU even did not notice that yours were completely not like the rest! Wooden Fiend had to fly to you last and destroy, incinerate you so that from you would remain the Talisman!” “Mr. know-it-all, Shurasik! Terribly touching! I always knew that you’re a good boy! And indeed not indifferent to me, so it’s really...” Tanya paused, pulling herself together. Indeed if she was to die, then at least tease him a little after all. The evil spirits along the corner started to snigger disgustingly and this finally enraged Shurasik. “Shut up! Sparkis frontis maximus!” maximus!” He yelled and, tossing up the hand with the ring, he threw into Tanya’s face a fight spark. This was not simply a fight spark, but a substantial one — a dense cluster of hatred the size of a ball of lightning. Such a spark could easily kill or blind. Tanya threw herself to the side, but the spark flew so swiftly that she did not manage to avoid it. The spark struck her in the cheek, and then... then suddenly took place what Shurasik in no way could expect. Tanya felt that a resilient heat rolled along beginning from the tip of her nose through her entire body, and in the next moment the spark, flying away, away, was already rushing to Shurasik himself. Puffel-duffel!” A stupefied “ Puffel-duffel!” stupefied Shurasik began to yell, attempting to extinguish it. But the abolish spell did not work. Increasing in size, the ball of lightning continued to approach him steadily. Shurasik turned and broke into a run. The spark overtook him and struck him in the back so that the robe on Shurasik was instantly charred. He himself,


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somersaulting twice in the air, fell into the very centre of the swarming evil spirits, kikimoras. pressing under himself at one stroke a swamp bogey and two kikimoras. “ Hurtga! Your stupid backga landga on my whole headga! Here I sendgu you from heregu!” heregu!” One of the kikimora started to hiss, opened wide the mouth full of triangular teeth. himga!” The swamp bogey shouted. “ Fightga! I killga himga!” “Ah-ah!” Shurasik howled, appearing at the very bottom of the pyramid of evil spirits attacking him. “Well, enough! Stop!” Plague-del-Cake roared in a terrible voice, with the swiftness of a bat turning on the spot. From her violet robe short white lightning spurted in all directions. It smelled of cinder. The stones on which the lightning fell split with a dry crack. The scorched evil spirits began to squeal and darted in all directions. Shurasik rose on all fours, crazily shaking his head. The hand of Plague flew up to Tanya, who was taking cover behind the coffin, and, seizing her, dragged her to its mistress. “Away with jokes! Did you see it, stupid daughter of Grotter? You deflected the spark of my serv servan ant! t! Defl Deflec ecte ted d it exact exactly ly like like my fata fatall breat breath h once once... ... Just Just as Prof Profes esso sor r Stinktopp’s spell. You did not simply deflect them: you even returned them to those who sent them! And after this you’ll still assert that the Talisman is not helping you? But now I know where it is! I saw how it flickered, deflecting the spark! And I know how to take it away! This can be done, not even using magic!” Tanya did not have time to understand anything as the dry hand of Plague abruptly struck her on the cheek. Tanya’s head began to ring. She fell, hearing at the same time something rolling on the floor. The sound resembled a barely distinguishable silvery ring. “It came out! I see it!” Suddenly Shurasik began to yell. He jumped and, crawling on his stomach, started to grope for something on the floor. When he got up, it became evident that Shurasik was holding something between the thumb and the forefinger. Something small and dark, no larger than a grain of rice. Tanya traced with her hand along her nose. The birthmark which she cursed so many times, because of which she was teased so many times, the birthmark answering with pain with each touch was no more! It disappeared, and now Shurasik was precisely holding it in his damp hand. “So it is!” is!” PlaguePlague-del del-Ca -Cake ke creaked creaked.. “The “The Talisma alisman n of Four Four Element Elementss — it’s it’s the microscopic grit to which Leopold with a spell of camouflage magic gave the form of a birthmark... So here’s why I couldn’t find it! Sly fox! He made it so that all these years you wore the key ke y to the Sinister Gates on your nose! In plain sight of everyone! Hey, why did I not immediately poke your nose into the keyhole? Bring it here!” Plague took a step to the Sinister Gates, simultaneously stretching out her hand in order to take the Talisman. But here Tanya Tanya with a shrill screech jumped onto Shurasik and hung onto his shoulders. He began to twirl, trying to shake her off, but it was not simple. Tanya even contrived to hold onto the double bass, and it was a little more complicated than on the back of a lanky lout. Managing, she struck Shurasik on the hand. “I dropped it! Mistress, it flew off somewhere! I did not see where!” Shurasik squealed in panic. “YOU ASKED FOR IT! I wanted Chaos to kill you, but I’ll do this myself!” Plaguedel-Cake roared, turned threateningly. Her bony hands rushed to Tanya and, pulling her


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off the back of Shurasik, flung her onto the floor. Then the hands dashed for the gold sword and snatched it out of the mistress’s mistress’s belt. “Kill her! Send her to her papa! Now, without the Talisman, she’s not dangerous!” Plague shouted. Understanding that this was the end, Tanya began to crawl away quickly, hearing how the gold gold sword, sword, cuttin cutting g the air, rushed rushed to her. her. Suddenl Suddenly y her hands hands stumbl stumbled ed upon something on the floor. Some clay vessel... Not even recalling that it was the jug of the titans, Tanya shielded herself from the sword with it... But really could clay stop the sword, which already flew up to her head? Was this really the end? The last thing that Tanya heard was the triumphant howl of Shurasik. A faint plop was heard and darkness swallowed everything... For a moment it seemed to Tanya that she, swiftly revolving, was falling down a well, on the very bottom of which stars were twinkling... *** Squeak... A ring clanked... The Sinister Gates were thrown open. And from there rushed out something terrible, formless, faceless... No... It was simply the door of the magic station opening. Tanya with difficulty unglued her eyel eyelid ids. s. Leani Leaning ng over over her her was was the the symp sympath athet etic ic face face of Medu Medusa sa.. Acad Academi emici cian an Sardanapal’s moustaches stirred good-naturedly beside her. Yagge, knitting her brows anxiously, whispered something over a large cup. Slander Slanderych, sternly folding his arms on his chest, like a pendulum p endulum rushed about up and a nd down the window. “Quick... There’s Plague... In the basement...” Tanya whispered. The voice sounded weak. The dried up lips clotted. Hearing her whisper, all four magicians turned to her. Tanya noticed explicit relief on their faces. “Don’t worry! Everything is fine. Plague-del-Cake no longer exists... Now she really is She-Who-Is-No-More,” Sardanapal announced soothingly. soothingly. Tanya did not believe him. The disgusting d isgusting face of Plague was still in her memory memor y. “Why not? She has the Talisman of Four Elements... She took it away from me, and then...” The girl attempted to get up, u p, but without strength she fell back onto o nto the pillow. pillow. The moustaches of Sardanapal drooped guiltily, but they almost immediately soared upward. “There is no more Talisman of Four Elements... Remember, it was your birthmark. Unfortunately, talismans, even the best of them, are very brittle. Plague did not reach it, nor did we. Who knows, perhaps it’s even for the best?” Yagge approached the rolling over Tanya and, having sternly looked at Sardanapal, forced her to drink something minty and tasty from the cup. “How do you like that trick! All day the girl lay unconscious, and you just pounced on her! Now everyone step out of the chamber here!” Whil Whilee Yagge agge wipe wiped d her her lips lips,, Tany anya cont contin inue ued d to look look inte interr rrog ogat ativ ivel ely y at the the academ academic icia ian. n. He, He, as if surr surrend ender erin ing, g, gave gave up and turn turned ed to asso associ ciat atee prof profes esso sor r Gorgonova. “I think, Medusa, we must explain to her... her... She’ll exhaust herself with worry...” worry...”


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Medusa smiled with her eyes. “When Plague split the jug with the sword, she let out the force of the Earth, and the force of the Earth, in turn, liberated the titans from imprisonment. I think the titans gave you this pot counting on something similar. They needed someone to open it, but not in their jail, only outside... outside... Then Cottus, Cottus, Gyes, and Briareus Briareus broke into the basement and avenged themselves on She-Who-Is-No-More... They crushed her like a small insect... Plague could do nothing: no one is more terrible than the immortal titans... But, battling with Plague, these hundred-armed warriors smashed a good half of Tibidox. Only the Sinister Gates and the Big Tower, Tower, where, fortunately, fortunately, all the students were, did not suffer. suffer. Then the titans transferred you from the ruins to the surviving half, and they themselves left... After they dealt with Plague, we, it goes without saying, already could not return them to imprisonment. This would not be right. Moreover, even without that we have our work cut out for us. It was necessary to still remove the sleep magic from everyone... And here these ghosts also get tangled under foot. Lieutenant Rzhevskii howls that he’ll not live in the basement and will leave for the world of the moronoids.” morono ids.” “And he’ll be going nowhere, the garden scarecrow! He needs them there very much with his jokes...” Yagge Yagge could not n ot maintain. Sardanapal and Medusa smiled. Likely they were in complete agreement with her. “So this is what the last part of the prophecy prophec y meant, that I’d obliterate Tibidox. I in truth obliterated it, letting out the titans,” Tanya Tanya said guiltily gu iltily.. Sardanapal nodded: “No one blames you. But then, you had no way out. Otherwise Plague-Del-Cake was not to be dealt with. We still got off lightly. Even Slander Slanderych acknowledges this! True?” He asked persistently. persistently. The dean of Tibidox stopped walking here and there, he winced as if all his teeth ached at once. “And I blame no one... And after all, I, perhaps, will go. I want to take a walk along the banks of the pond... I have there a... m-m... job,” Slander Slanderych growled and quickly withdrew. Tanya smiled, understanding that the prankish tot-cupid did not think to pull out his love arrow from the heart of Slander. Well, it is useful for this dried-up man to love someone. Let it even be a mermaid. “And the Wooden Wooden Fiend, which Shurasik let loose? Caught it?” Tanya asked. Yagge laughed into her fist. Now Tanya understood whom Bab-Yagun took after to be so easily amused. “Fiend? It so foolishly butted into the titans. Decided that you were there because there was your little heart...” she explained. “The titans rolled it up like dough, and tied it into a knot, and even pinned the little badge on top. For decoration.” “And where’s Shurasik?” “In the next chamber, in the stinging nettle bath... It re-educates... After he saw the titans, he’s somewhat not himself. Only hides under the bed...” said Yagge. Tanya looked at Medusa in alarm. “And you don’t think: he became so by himself,” himself,” Medusa calmed her. “Plague “Plague turned turned him into a zombie, took away his will. That’s why he was always fainting. No matter, Yagge will cure him. True, now we indeed will not leave him in the white department... Hey, who’s there?” Medusa turned around sternly.


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By the door, panting under the weight of an enormous, almost gigantic tray with chocolate cakes, salads, mineral water, pastries of a hundred and thirty varieties, Vanka Valyalki alyalkin n and Bab-Y Bab-Yagu agun n had already already squeeze squeezed d through through.. The latter latter,, furthe furthermo rmore, re, haughtily displayed to Tanya Tanya her ring, which he clearly intended to return. “Stop! And well, where to! It’s been said — bed rest!” Yagge was about to rush to turn them out, but, looking at her grandson, she gave up: “Okay, only not long! And for the time being, a little liqueur for us, eh, Professor?” “Well “W ell,, perhaps perhaps a thimbl thimble!” e!” Sardana Sardanapal pal sneezed sneezed thought thoughtful fully ly.. The tip of his nose nose twinkled timidly. And Bab-Yagun had already put down his gigantic tray on Tanya’s blanket. Tanya thought that an excellent evening was waiting for her. And hundreds and thousands more excellent days...


Tanya Grotter and the Magic Double Bass 1

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