Splitting Hairs ©vague_yelhsa Prologue My twin and I are always different from one another. As in. From our attitudes to our preferences. But one thing is clear though, we are always compared. Mas bibo siya. Mas matalino ako. (Huwag mo ng itanong kung anong pinagkaiba, dahil hindi ko din alam.) Mas mabait siya. Mas sobrang mabait ako. HAHA. Yes. That's why I'm asking myself why... why I am walking down the aisle right now. Matatanggap ko pa sana if it's just a nut-normal case of an arranged marriage. Pero HINDI! Gusto kong magsumbong sa Department of Justice sa pang-aabuso sa 'kin ng mga magulang ko. I am the second daughter. My eyes get misty. My knees get shaky. "Jean Rose Leviste, do you take this man as your lawfully wedded husband?" NO! That's not my name! Parang biglang naparalize ang buo kong katawan. Gusto kong gayahin si Julia Roberts sa Runaway Bride. My eyes meet his through the veil. I should have been the happiest woman on earth to have married him. Who wouldn't? JULIAN SUNICO. The son of the Sunico dynasty. His eyes were conveying something. His smile looks predatory that says 'open your mouth and you're dead'. Yes. I'm dead. "I do." I've already sealed my death sentence. How can my sister have done this to me? How can she run away and leave me to replace her? At hindi lang basta replace! "Smile sweetie, aren't you happy? Nakuha mo ang gusto mo? Napikot mo na ko. I will father your child..." My eyes grow larger at the anger emanating from him. Kung pwede lang na patayin niya ko ng tingin. I might be dead on the spot- What is he talking about? Has my sister been pregnant? I look at my mother's guilty eyes. Has she known it all along? Ano ang gagawin ko?... There are only two alternatives. Make it real. A big NO, NO. O Lumunok ng pakwan?! It's better that way kaysa dun sa una... "You'll be my lawfully wedded... and bedded wife." ONE Madali namang magpanggap. It had always been easy with me and Jean Rose
before. Nung bata pa kami. But now is very much different! Kahit na ba iisa kami ng mukha. Kahit na ba aminado 'kong pareho kaming maganda. I never thought that I would wake up one day and be Jean Rose forever! Sabi nga ni Bea Alonzo sa movie na 'Sa 'yo lamang' kaya kong lahat 'wag lang 'to. Something like that. At lalong hindi ko kayang maghimala! I can't be Mama Mary! Hindi ko kayang maghimala... Hindi ba nila alam na hindi ako Immaculate Concepcion? Hindi ako santa. So I think, kahit anong hiling ko kay God ay hindi ako lililiman ng kung anumang espiritu. "Mrs. Sunico?" I flinch. I look up to see all their eyes on me. I am not Mrs. Sunico! Gusto ko 'yong isigaw. Handa na 'kong tumakbo. Kung hindi ko pipirmahan 'yun marriage certificate eh di walang legal na kasal. Ganon lang kasimple. The paper looks like a snake ready to jump on me. Napaatras ako. Bahala na si"Julian?" I bumped into him. Ang likod ko ay lumapat sa dibdib niya. He was there all along. He smiled at me. And I'll tell you. It wasn't a smile. It was more of a grimace. I couldn't meet his eyes. Mabilis akong humarap sa taong nagpapapirma sa 'kin ng marriage certificate. My feet are frozen on the ground. I felt my back pressed against his hard muscled chest. Lumakad siya which tugged me along him. His strong arms surrounded me all of a sudden. Kinuha niya ang ballpen at inilagay sa mga kamay ko. Napatingala ako. Wrong move. His brown chinito eyes sought mine. Bumaba ang ulo niya at tumapat halos ang bibig niya sa gilid ng bibig ko. Biglang napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa ballpen at napapirma ng wala sa oras. Pinirma ko ang initials since pareho kami ng initials na JR Leviste. "That's my girl." I thought I am going to faint any minute now. Malamang na sa tingin ng ibang tao ay sweet na sweet kaming magkayakap. Little did they know that this big brute was threatening me to sign this damned document that would bind us forever. "Kiss! Kiss!" No! My mind was screaming. My heart was racing. Forever. Marriage. And this was one of those... ahm. Sh!t. Sh!t. "Smile sweetie. And we'll give them the show they've all been waiting for." He tilted my chin up. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pag-iyak ni mommy. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang dapat ako ang umiiyak at hindi siya. Isn't she happy? I became the good daughter they wanted me to be. All my life, I'd been the black sheep. At minsan na nga lang akong nag-attempt sumunod. Pumalpak pa! "Jules... I think this is not a good ide-" "Don't call me that." Galit na sabi nito. Just because of that? He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tighter. He pinched my waist not-so-gently. I yelped. Lumapit ang mukha niya sa 'kin. As in, malapit na malapit. My eyes grew wide.
before. Nung bata pa kami. But now is very much different! Kahit na ba iisa kami ng mukha. Kahit na ba aminado 'kong pareho kaming maganda. I never thought that I would wake up one day and be Jean Rose forever! Sabi nga ni Bea Alonzo sa movie na 'Sa 'yo lamang' kaya kong lahat 'wag lang 'to. Something like that. At lalong hindi ko kayang maghimala! I can't be Mama Mary! Hindi ko kayang maghimala... Hindi ba nila alam na hindi ako Immaculate Concepcion? Hindi ako santa. So I think, kahit anong hiling ko kay God ay hindi ako lililiman ng kung anumang espiritu. "Mrs. Sunico?" I flinch. I look up to see all their eyes on me. I am not Mrs. Sunico! Gusto ko 'yong isigaw. Handa na 'kong tumakbo. Kung hindi ko pipirmahan 'yun marriage certificate eh di walang legal na kasal. Ganon lang kasimple. The paper looks like a snake ready to jump on me. Napaatras ako. Bahala na si"Julian?" I bumped into him. Ang likod ko ay lumapat sa dibdib niya. He was there all along. He smiled at me. And I'll tell you. It wasn't a smile. It was more of a grimace. I couldn't meet his eyes. Mabilis akong humarap sa taong nagpapapirma sa 'kin ng marriage certificate. My feet are frozen on the ground. I felt my back pressed against his hard muscled chest. Lumakad siya which tugged me along him. His strong arms surrounded me all of a sudden. Kinuha niya ang ballpen at inilagay sa mga kamay ko. Napatingala ako. Wrong move. His brown chinito eyes sought mine. Bumaba ang ulo niya at tumapat halos ang bibig niya sa gilid ng bibig ko. Biglang napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa ballpen at napapirma ng wala sa oras. Pinirma ko ang initials since pareho kami ng initials na JR Leviste. "That's my girl." I thought I am going to faint any minute now. Malamang na sa tingin ng ibang tao ay sweet na sweet kaming magkayakap. Little did they know that this big brute was threatening me to sign this damned document that would bind us forever. "Kiss! Kiss!" No! My mind was screaming. My heart was racing. Forever. Marriage. And this was one of those... ahm. Sh!t. Sh!t. "Smile sweetie. And we'll give them the show they've all been waiting for." He tilted my chin up. Sa gilid ng mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pag-iyak ni mommy. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanyang dapat ako ang umiiyak at hindi siya. Isn't she happy? I became the good daughter they wanted me to be. All my life, I'd been the black sheep. At minsan na nga lang akong nag-attempt sumunod. Pumalpak pa! "Jules... I think this is not a good ide-" "Don't call me that." Galit na sabi nito. Just because of that? He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tighter. He pinched my waist not-so-gently. I yelped. Lumapit ang mukha niya sa 'kin. As in, malapit na malapit. My eyes grew wide.
"Stop acting the naïve little virgin darling..." The sarcasm wasn't lost on me. He whispered that almost... to my mouth considering he was only an inch or two away from me. "Isn't it late for that?" Mabagal ata ang pagpafunction ng brain cells ko. At hindi ko nakuha ang ibig niyang sabihin. Bakit virgin pa naman ako talPumikit agad ako ng makita kong pababa na 'yung mukha niya. This isn't my first time to be kissed. But this was the first time I would be kissed by someone I am not in love with. May napakalaking difference 'yun! It seemed like a lifetime. ...
...
...
I opened my eyes. Tapos na ba? 'Yun agad ang unang nag-register sa isip ko. But what amazed me was that I was already looking to Julian's back. At nakikipagkamay na ito sa mga guests. Parang biglang namula 'yung pisngi ko. He didn't kiss me! "Ano? Tatayo ka na lang ba dyan?" Magsasalita sana ako. Lumapit ito at hinila ang braso ko. Naiinis na ko ha. Julian Sunico is anything but a gentleman! Kung totoo man ang sinabi nito na pinikot ito ng kapatid ko pwes bakit nag-ala runaway bride ito sa mismong araw ng kasal nito? "Sa tingin mo ba pinikot talaga kita?" Inis kong sabi habang pilit hinihila ang braso ko sa kamay niya. He looked at me from head to foot. At ang response niya? He dragged me all the more. "Pano kung nagustuhan mo naman?" I know I'm pushing my luck. Wala akong idea kung anong nangyari bago ang kasal na ito. Sino ba? Mommy woke me up two days ago in my New York boarding house just to tell me that, "Jeannie honey, two days from now you're going to get married!" Wow. Ganon lang. Parang nag-announce lang siya na-late na ko for school. We stopped from walking. "Mommy, I think... we're going to push through our honeymoon. Kayo na pong bahala sa reception." Mrs. Sunico, Julian's mother smiled at me and hugged me. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng bitiwan nito ang braso ko. Habang niyakap ako ng mama niya
ay kitang kita ko ang warning sa mga mata niya. "Hija, please take care of him. Pagpasensyahan mo na kung minsa'y may tantrums si Julian. Please... since you're going to be a mother. Please take care of them both. Hindi mo lang alam how you made me happy." I was overwhelmed with guilt. Walang baby! Gusto ko na ring makiiyak sa mommy nito. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay hinila niya na ulit ako sa braso. "Juli-an..." I winced. "Magiging masaya ka sa kanya." I doubt it. Pano ko magiging masaya sa isang taong ngayon ko lang nakita? On my wedding day. "Of course mom," he kissed her on the cheek. "Hindi na kasi kami makapaghintay. We haven't had a proper honeymoon, you know." Ngumiti ito. At hindi ko gusto ang ngiti nitong iyon. Parang mas lalo akong kinabahan. "Julian... let's talk." I stopped him on the way. Pero parang wala itong naririnig. If he dislike this marriage as much as I do. Why didn't he object? Dahil ba sa 'baby' ni Jean? Pero bakit ito umalis? Why didn't my mother tell me about this whole sordid affair? "Pwede ba! Sumakay ka na nga lang." Bigla akong natakot sa biglaan niyang pagsigaw. Napaupo ako sa passenger seat ng wala sa oras. He drove off for about fifteen minutes. The silence stretched on between us. Tumalon kaya ako palabas ng kotse? Tapos palabasin kong... nalaglag ang baby? Pero pano kung mamatay naman ako? HINDI PWEDE. Ipagtapat ko sa kanya! Yes. That was it. "Julian... I'll tell you something..." Hindi ko napansin na nasa tapat na nasa loob na pala kami ng napakalaking bakuran. Must have been their mansion. He glanced at me boringly. Na para bang wala siyang pakialam kung ano man iyon. "About this marriage... about the baby..." "Don't tell me that the ultrasound isn't real, that there's no baby because I'll surely wring your neck. I might kill you, you know." I looked him in the eye. He isn't joking! "Ganon ba kahalaga 'yung baby?... Hindi... ba dahil mahal mo 'ko?" Sa pagkagulat ko ay bigla itong tumawa. He moved forward. Ang isang kamay niya ay humawak sa pisngi ko. I bit my lower lip. His nearness was causing my heart to palpitate at a not so normal pace. Dahil kinakabahan lang siguro ako. Dahil... dahil... Bumaba iyon... hanggang sa palapulsuhan ng leeg ko. His one hand wrapped around my neck. My eyes grew wide. "You ruined my future Jean. And I'm going to make you regret the day you trapped me into this." Pinakawalan niya ko. I tried catching my breath. Bumaba ito ng kotse at ibinaba lahat ng gamit ko, tatlong malaking suitcase at isang bag. 'Pag baba ko ay nakatingin lang siya sa 'kin.
"Dalin mo 'yung gamit mo." Ano?! Kung makapag-utos ito 'kala mo naman hari at ako ang alipin. Napatingin ako sa mga gamit ko. Hindi siya ganon kasama para gawin sa 'kin 'to. Ginagawa na niya Jeannie! And he's dead serious. He's going to make my life a living hell! "Julian!" He didn't turn around. Pero at least tumigil ito sa paglalakad. Oh Lord. I'm sorry. Alam kong madadagdagan na naman 'yung kasalanan ko. But this isn't my entire fault! "Gusto mo bang makunan ako?" TWO
Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung bakit nag-ala Julia Roberts 'yung kakambal ko. Anyway, I remembered specifically that Runaway Bride was her favorite movie. Had she thought for the first time that this Julian was a prince charming? LOL. I couldn't blame her. He is every woman's wicked fantasy. Though I was never particular with tsinitos, sige na nga since uso naman 'yun ngayon. He was of a Chinese descent. Mayaman(sa hirap ba naman ng buhay ngayon, that's on top of my list ever) gwapo (in fairness, my twin's got a taste), muy simpatico-antipatiko 'kamo. At ngayong na-realize niyang mas masahol pa kay Beast ang ugali nito ay umalis na lang ito basta? On a serious basis, I knew deep down that she wouldn't do it. Unless... may napakabigat siyang dinadala. 'Yung baby! I sighed. Patihayang humiga ako sa kama habang ang mga binti ko ay nakasayad pa rin sa sahig. I could live like a princess here... with the Beast. Unti-unti na 'kong hinihila ng antok. Then the door slammed open. LOUDLY. I groaned inwardly. I opened one good eye. "Hindi ka ba marunong kumatok?" Nakakainis. Wala ba itong natutunan sa GMRC? He didn't even look at me. Believe me, bigla akong nagising sa sunod niyang ginawa. Tinanggal niya ang necktie niya tapos ay inisa-isa ang mga butones ng polo niya. "Bakit ako kakatok sa sarili kong kwarto?" Lumingon ako bigla sa queen sized bed. Sh!t. Sh!t. Double sh!t. "Jules... surely you don't mean to-" "Oh, I mean to." No! Papatayin na ba siya nito sa unang gabi ng kasal nila? I gnawed the inside of my right cheek as I looked at him. He was already jerking his pants off! Damn. My brain wasn't functioning well. When he was standing very proud in front of me clad with his jockey, lo and behold! He should have... he should have... been a ramp model instead.
He stared pointedly at me. Then reality dawned on me at once. This wasn't any of Jean Rose's pranks anymore. "You're serious." I whispered. Lumapit ito sa kama paharap sa 'kin. At itinukod ang dalawang kamay sa gilid ng mga hita ko. Our faces were inches away from each other. Para 'kong maso-suffocate na hindi maintindihan. I could smell his masculine scent mingled with perfume. Bakit ba hindi nakikisama ang mga senses ko! "Are you forgetting... wife? That this is our honeymoon night." Napalunok ako. His chinito eyes turned into slits. "I'm... pregnant." Sabay kaming napatingin sa tiyan ko. Naalala ko ang mommy noon kapag nagsisinungaling kami ni Jean, 'magkakatotoo daw ang kung ano mang pinagsisinungalingan namin'. Hindi naman siguro. "Exactly. I won't get you any more pregnant than you are now. Saka... stop acting as if you don't want this. Three months ago, halos ipagsiksikan mo sa 'kin ang sarili mo. So... what game is this? Get into my bed and then... play the 'pakipot' later?" I promise you, kung bumubuga lang ng apoy ang mga mata ng tao baka nasunog na 'ko ni Julian. He slid his hands and fisted my hair. I winced. Not in pain. But in shock. "Juli-an..." I tried to push him off me. Pero lumapat lang ang mga kamay ko sa malapad niyang dibdib. Natatakot na talaga ko. Kahit ba sabihin mong gwapo ang mangre-rape sa 'yo. It is still spelled the same R-A-P-E. "Juli-an! ahhhh..." I moaned and twisted. He stilled against me. Dyos ko po, nagkakapatong patong na ang mga kasinungalingan ko. Nasan na ang kakambal ko? Bakit ako ang nagdudusa sa kasalanang 'di ko ginawa? Alam ko namang magaling akong umarte. Naawardan pa nga ako nung high school na best actress nung gumanap akong Sisa sa Noli. "So what's this grand scheme?" Tignan mo 'tong lalaking 'to. He didn't give even a nary compassion toward me. Onti nalang talaga mauubos na pasensya ko. "Me... ron kasi 'ko." Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng itulak niya 'ko palayo. Napahiga na lang ako sa kama. I thought my monthly flow was a curse, blessing in disguise din naman pala. "How many days?" He brushed his hand roughly through his hair. "Ahm... a..." three days. I licked my lower lip. Nagbibilang ba si San Pedro ng penalty? "A week." He frowned at me. I was keeping my fingers crossed. "Fine." Galit itong humiga. I sighed in relief. Ah, nakalimutan ko... Pregnant women don't bleed. Well... "Julian?" Humiga na din ako sa pinakagilid ng malaking kama. "Matulog ka na." Silence. "Why do you hate me so much?" Gusto kong matawa sa sarili kong tanong. Para iyong 1+1=2. Obvious na tinatanong pa. But some part of me still wanted to hear the confirmation.
Tumagilid ako patalikod sa kanya ng inakala kong hindi na siya sasagot. Then I felt tears brimming down the side of my face. I couldn't help it. The situation was worst than I had expected. Niyakap kong mahigpit ang unan upang patahimikin ang paghikbi ko. I felt so alone and vulnerable. I was alone inside a big mansion, in bed with a stranger whom I had just met a few hours ago. Specifically a very estranged and angry husband and here I was supposed to be pregnant. How was that for a Shakespearean play? Masyadong tragic ang buhay ko. "Do you hate me?" I whispered again. "Yes." Silent tears turned into muffled sobs. Ayos. Hindi man lang nagkunwari kahit onti. Pinipilit kong pakalmahin ang mga hikbi ko. Jean Rose isn't a crybaby. I am. Hindi ito makulit. Samantalang hindi ako titigil ng hindi ko nakukuha ang gusto ko. Kung kaya't it was very much out of Jean Rose's league to do something as 'pikot'. "I'm... sorry." Hindi ko sinasadya. Gusto kong sabihin iyon sa kanya on my twin's behalf. Pero para ko na rin niloko ang sarili ko. Kailan ba hindi sinadya ang pikot? Sige nga sabihin niyo sa 'kin. Sa pagkakaalam ko walang pikot na hindi planado. "Are you crying?" Kung umiiyak ako may paki ka ba? "No." Pero lalo lang akong naiyak. Isang malakas na hikbi ang hindi ko napigilan. Naramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa balikat ko. I felt his hard naked chest against my back when he tried to peek above my shoulder. "You are crying." I shook my head. "Yeah. Yeah. Sasabihin mong either sipon lang 'yan o napuwing ka lang." Parang biglang nagkaroon ng tenderness sa boses nito. O baka imagination ko lang 'yon. He sighed. He still didn't move from behind me. Didn't he know what he's doing to my senses? His thumb brushed the moisture on my cheeks. In this position, we were almost intimately embracing. Hindi na nga almost eh. Mabilis akong umisod palayo sa kanya papunta sa gilid ko. And he also moved along with me! Umusod ulit ako. Umusod ulit siya. "What the hell is the matter with you? Ang laki laki ng kama dyan ka nagsusumiksik." I couldn't believe it. Sinigawan niya ko! I thought we were okay. Hindi dahil pinahiran niya ang luha mo okay na Jeannie. "Ang laki nga ng kama dikit ka naman ng dikit." Inis na humarap ako sa kanya. Sa pagkakaalam ko hindi ko talaga sinadya na magkatapat 'yung mukha namin. Our noses touched. Don't Eskimos kiss like this? "Matulog ka na." Inis na lumayo ito at tumalikod. I thought women are
the only ones who are fickle-minded. I woke up late in the morning. Ngumiti ako and said a thank you prayer to my maker. Sabay bigla 'kong naalala ang sitwasyon ko. Mabilis akong bumangon at ginawa ang morning routines ko. 'Pag baba ko ay nag-aalmusal na ang prinsipe sa lanai. At take note: he didn't even bother to pull out the chair for me. Para 'kong invisible na hindi niya nakita. "Good morning Jules! I take it you had a good night sleep?" Deadma.
"Siya nga pala. Uuwi ako sa bahay mamaya... may hihingin sana akong pabor." Hangin. Hangin lang ako. 'Yun lang. I gritted my teeth. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung masira ang isa kong ngipin. I smiled sweetly at him. "Gusto kong umuwi sa 'min sa duration ng honeymoon natin tutal naman hindi mo pa 'ko kailangan." I said airily while I was putting butter on the toast. Malamang sa mga araw na 'yon mahahanap ko na ang magaling kong kakambal. Natulig ako ng biglang bumagsak ang tasa ng kape nito sa platito. He stood up and cleaned his mouth with the napkin. "You're not going to see your family. Unless... you're with me." My eyes grew wide at the implication of his words. The food was forgotten. I could have misheard him. Galit na tumayo ako at hinabol siya. Mabilis na humarap ako sa kanya. "Why are you being so difficult? Nakikiusap na 'ko sa 'yo! If you didn't want this marriage in the first place... then why didn't you object? Computer age na tayo! Hindi na uso ang shotgun wedding ngayon no. If I were pregnant you could have at least supported me... financially." Humihingal sa galit na sabi ko ng matapos ang speech ko. He was staring at me stonily. I don't care anymore kung mukha man akong peso sign. "Sana... naisip mo 'yan when you and your family blackmailed me into this marriage. Anyway, what's a scandal with the Sunicos right?" I saw the muscles on his jaw flexed. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa narinig ko. They wouldn't do it. Not Jean Rose. Had they really set out to ruin Julian's life? Pano kung may ibang mahal si Julian... kung may handa itong ibang pakasalan sana. SANA WALA. Hindi ako martir. Matagal ng binaril si Rizal sa Luneta at wala akong balak sumunod sa yapak niya. So I wouldn't think about him. I would think first of myself. "Me, myself and I." and my twin. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Mabilis akong umakyat at hinagilap ang cellphone sa bag ko. I closed my eyes. I was ready to weep. Pati ba naman cellphone ko hindi pa nakisama? Naiwan pa. Mabilis akong bumaba at naghanap ng telephone. Where the hell are the telephones here? Ano 'to mansyon na walang telepono? "Ma'am, may hinahanap po ba kayo?" I smiled brightly at the maid. "Where's... the... telephone?" I didn't want to sound stupid, you know. Ako ang asawa pero wala akong alam. Not to mention that the house was so big you could get lost. "Eh ma'am... sabi po ni... sir... 'wag daw po kayong pagamitin ng telepono."
ANO?! "Is he serious? Never mind." I waved my hand at her in dismissal. He was really hell-bent on making my life miserable. I screamed my frustration within the four walls of the mansion. I didn't care who heard it. If he did, just as well. No one pacified me. Just as well. Dahil hindi ko na alam kung anong magagawa ko. Nang sa tingin ko ay kumalma na 'ko ay lumakad ako sa front porch. I dressed hurriedly and quickly got out. Maaga 'kong mababaliw sa bahay na 'to. Wala naman pumigil sa 'kin ng nagtuloy tuloy na 'kong lumabas ng gate. Maglalakad na lang ako palabas ng subdivision para maghanap ng taxi. When a car automatically stopped in front of me. Isang babae't lalaki. "Jean! I was so worried about you. Itinuloy mo pa rin pala ang balak." The woman hugged me. Oh-kay. Balak?! Lumapit ang lalaki. My eyes grew wide. And what amazed me most was-he embraced me! "I missed you love... so much. Naging Sunico ka lang... Jean?" He frowned at my reaction. Feeling ko para 'kong nagka-amnesia. "Nakalimutan mo na ba 'ko?" Hindi kita nakalimutan! Hindi lang talaga kita kilala. THREE
We aren't rich. But every time they asked my parents where school I go to? I think, they were proud to say in the least na, 'ah, 'yung bunso kong anak... she stays in New York". Masarap namang pakinggan eh, but I wish they would be more proud of me. And they would stop comparing me to Jean Rose. Para kasing nilagyan lang nila 'ko ng nette pero sa totoo lang... it was as if they wanted me to be Jean Rose. And never to be Jeannette Rose. Ang sarap tignan ng may kakambal. Oo, may papalit sa 'yo kapag absent ka sa class. Someone who could break it off with your own boyfriend in proxy... kung hindi mo kaya. Something Jean Rose would do. But don't they already know that we only have one face? And it ends there. PERIOD. I became the blacksheep three years ago... when I accepted the scholarship in New York University. Sabi nila... nagpapakatanga ako sa course ko: Fine Arts. Okay, fine while my sister is good with figures. Maybe I'm just splitting hairs. Or... maybe because I didn't want to be in my sister's shadow any more. And three years drew us apart. I gnawed at my lower lip. "Sumakay ka na." Nagpatangay na lang ako ng bigla akong hinila ng babae. Well, maybe I could get some facts about my twin's whereabouts. "Jean Rose Sunico!" I stopped dead in my tracks. I closed my eyes in frustration. The beast
roared. As in, ROAR. And boy, I could feel my hands shaking. Not that I was caught red-handed. Nagulat ako ng biglang hinawakan ako ng lalaki sa braso. My eyes grew wide when he cupped my face up. It was like... Oh my God. "Jean Rose... I know I've made a mistake. Pwede pa natin 'yun tamain. Run away with me..." Napalunok ako, pero parang lalong natuyot ang lalamunan ko. For the first time I was very much speechless! Have I heard it wrong? Run away... run away... in tagalog tanan! "Blessed Virgin Mary." Wala sa loob kong nasabi. "Mrs. Jean Rose Sunico!" I heard that one again. Oh no, please... kung nanaginip man ako 'wag mo po muna akong gisingin. Minsan lang naman akong pag-agawan ng ganito. And then one hand grabbed my other arm from the side. I slowly looked sideways and saw the blatant anger in his eyes. Ay, I mean... please wake me up. "Let's go." Julian tried to tug my hand. Pero hawak hawak pa rin ako ng lalaki. "Tell. Him. To. Go. Home." Julian deliberately whispered the words to me. Bulong. Pero rinig ko ang dagundong 'non sa tenga ko. Bumaling ako sa lalaki. Naguluhan ako bigla. His eyes were like challenging me to do just that. "Ahmm...." I opened my mouth to say his name. Then I realized... I don't know the man's name! "You cannot mean this Jean. You love me." I saw the emotions in his eyes. My heart went out to my sister and him. Ano ba talaga ang nangyari? Lalo akong naguguluhan. Then I felt the emanating anger from the other side. Naramdaman ko ang pagdiin ng pagkakahawak ni Julian sa braso ko. There would surely be bruises later. Kutis-mayaman kaya ako. "Julian I..." Hinila niya 'ko bigla sa tabi niya. He encircled his arm around my waist in a possessive manner. Siguro kung sa ibang pagkakataon baka kinilig pa 'ko. "Leave my wife alone Brad. If you don't want to see yourself sitting in jail." That was it. "Please... Brad. Leave..." "Brad let's go..." Sabi dito ng babae. I sighed in relief when they walked away. Lumingon ulit ito. "I'll come back for you Jean!" Then the woman dragged him inside the car. Bago pa ako makapag-react ay hinawakan na ng mahigpit ni Julian ang mga braso ko. "Julian... you're hurting me!" Halos kaladkarin niya na 'ko papasok ng mansyon. Naiisip ko pa lang kung anong gagawin niya sa 'kin ay nanlalamig na ang mga kamay ko. Pero teka, bakit naman siya magagalit? In the first place, he isn't in love with me! So bakit siya magagalit... well, lalaki siya. And man's ego is sometimes bigger than
their brains. We went upstairs while he was still holding my arm tightly. Bigla niya 'kong ibinalandra sa kama. Gigil na hinarap niya 'ko. In the second place, damn him! hindi niya 'ko totoong asawa at wala siyang karapatang gawin sa 'kin 'to. "Julian... what you saw earlier was..." how can I explain something I don't know? Hiniklas niya ang necktie sa sobrang galit. And boy, wasn't he handsome in his three-piece suit, no. I couldn't term him just handsome. He was dangerously gorgeous. Si Julian 'yung tipo ng lalaking hindi mo titilian, because he would surely intimidate you. Suplado naman! May K naman kasi siyang magsuplado. All my daydreams flew out of the window when he towered over me. He tilted my chin up and looked me angrily in the eye. "Honesty. That is all I asked of you." Hindi ko alam kung bakit... bakit ganon 'yung mga mata niya nung sinabi niya iyon. Na para bang nasasaktan siya. Bakit? Had someone hurt him? Betrayed him? Minutes passed by. Honesty. Nanlamig ang mga kamay ko. Parang gusto kong lumubog sa pagkakaupo ko sa kama habang malapit na malapit ang mukha niya sa 'kin. I was afraid he would see through the lies written in my eyes. After all, eyes were the windows of the soul. And I was living a lie after all. I felt tears threatening to erupt again. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Hindi naman ako buntis pero nagiging iyakin na 'ko. Hindi kaya dininig ako ni God? Diyos ko 'wag naman. Hindi ko ma-imagine ang sarili ko: blessed virgin Jeannette. Bigla nitong binitawan ang mukha ko. "Women's ultimate weapon: Tears." He rolled his eyes in disgust. Inis na tinabig ko ang kamay niya. Nasira lang ang drama ko. I slowly tried to catch my breath to stop from screaming at him. Lumakad na ito palabas. "Julian..." As usual, he didn't turn around. He tilted his head to the other side in question. "W-what... if... I still love Brad. And... and we... we both know that you don't want this marriage?" Bakit hindi mo na ako pakawalan? I mean, si Jean Rose. Because I'm sure she was a reluctant bride. Pero may reluctant bang namikot? He did turn around. And I just wished he didn't! Hindi ko alam kung paano pa nagiging lalong singkit ang mga mata niya sa galit. His fists were clenched. "I don't... take to infidelity lightly, my dear wife." The corner of his mouth twisted in a mocking smile. Parang mas lalo akong natakot doon. Lumabas ito. Then I heard the click on the other side of the door. NO!
Mabilis akong tumakbo papunta sa pinto. "Sh!t. Julian!" Galit na pinihit pihit ko iyon. Naiiyak na napatingin ako doon. My hands turned into tight fists and started banging the door. "Julian! Buksan mo 'to! I'm your dear wife! Julian ano ba! Open this damned door!" Surely... he wasn't that kind of a monster? Napadausdos ako sa aubusson carpet at napasandal sa pinto ng sa tingin ko ay hopeless case na talaga. Tinignan ko ang malaki at magarang silid. Mula sa lamp shade hanggang sa china vase, that must have caused millions. Then I started really crying. I didn't ask for any of this. Kung ang iba ay humihiling na makapangasawa ng mayaman. Ako hindi. Kung ang iba sa edad ko ay humihiling ng prince charming. Ako hindi. Kaya t-a-n-g-a nga daw ako sabi ng mga magulang ko. I never asked for a wonderful love story. I only wanted to establish myself... on my own as a famous artist. Kaya nga ba hindi ko naging idol si Rizal eh, kahit nga ba talentadong pinoy siya. I didn't want to be appreciated only after my death. Gusto kong maging si Juan Luna. Si Amorsolo. At sa maniwala man kayo o hindi. Hindi ko pinangarap maging si Cinderella. I curled into a fetal position on the huge soft bed. Ano ba talagang nangyari sa kapatid ko? Why didn't I feel anything? Sabi nila may link ang mga kambal. Lumayas lang ba talaga siya? Hindi ko mabilang kung isang oras na ata akong umiiyak. "I hate you Julian Sunico! I hate you to the deepest part of the earth..." Sana binabangungot lang ako. And then I would wake up later and find myself in the boarding house in New York. I fell into a deep slumber after exhausting myself from crying. I woke up late. As in, gabi na. I looked around me. Kinurot ko ang sarili ko. "Ouch." And I was still here. Parang naiiyak na naman ako. Hindi ko alam... pero 'pag upo ko ay dumulas ang kumot mula sa dibdib ko. "I didn't remember covering myself..." I frowned. I heard splashes of water from outside. Mabilis kong hinawi ang glass door patungong terrace. Bilog ang buwan. "Sana... sana..." pipikit pa lang ako ng mapansin kong may lumalangoy sa foot-shaped swimming pool. Dapat... dapat bumalik na lang ako bigla sa kwarto ko. But the sight before me froze me on the ground. I saw his broad shoulders and arms flexed with his every move. His muscled back was rippling with water as his stroke became faster. I sucked in my breath. Siguro'y napagod na... pumunta ito sa railing at umakyat. And boy, my heart beat triple time. He was standing on the edge of the swimming pool clad with only his swimming sinfully black trunks. Julian is in every way... sexy. I thought it was only termed with women. Isang napakalaking akala. Matangkad ito. Must have stood almost a foot taller than me. Oo, nakakahiya mang aminin 6'1" siya at 5'2 ½ lang ako. 5'3" na nga sige na. At ah, may mga pandesal siya sa tyan. Anim... He looked up then. Promise, alam ko nagblush talaga ako. Mabilis akong pumasok sa loob ng kwarto. Tapos biglang bumukas 'yung pinto. Hindi na naka-lock!
"Ma'am... pinapatawag daw po kayo ni sir. Sumabay na daw po kayong maghapunan sa kanya." "Sige na..." Mag-isa siya! I smiled at her. "Ma'am... siya nga po pala. Papanhikin daw po kayo ni sir kung hindi kayo bababa." Padabog na sumunod ako sa katulong. Alam ko, what Julian gets. I conceded. I had no choice. Nasa teritoryo 'ko ng gritted my teeth in anger. Nasa harap na ako ng swimming entirely looking at him. Pero... I saw out of the corner how strands of wet hair hang down the side of his face.
wants, Julian kaaway. I pool. I wasn't of my left eye
"Manang pakilagay na po dyan 'yung juice." Tumingin ako sa kabilang side. Dun sa hindi ako matetempt. Dun sa... my eyes grew wide. I didn't know where the German shepherd dog had come from. Mula sa likod nito ay lumabas si Mang Pio. 'Yung katiwala din. Then the dog came running. Toward... me. Paatras na ako ng paatras. I screamed when my foot stepped on nothing but... water! I was in a deep end of the swimming pool. I screamed my way to the surface. I know I must have shouted Julian's name. I didn't know. Then flashes of yesterday came through my mind. Please... please... don't let me die yet. I was gulping down a mouthful of water. I was eight again. And Jean Rose caught my hand. She was crying and didn't want to let me go. Dahil sa 'kin kaya nangyari 'to. I tugged her along and secretly took the boat to explore the lake. Nagbabakasyon kami noon sa lake house ng Aunt Lara namin. A hand grabbed my waist. "Jean! Jean!" A voice whispered in my ear. "Jean!" That isn't my name! Nagmulat ako ng mga mata at umubo. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Julian was here! I threw my arms around his neck and clung to him. We were still in the middle of the pool. Feeling ko, para itong kumunoy na kakainin ako ano mang oras. "Julian... please don't leave me..." I whispered frantically against his neck. He cupped my cheek and looked at me for a very long time. I tasted the tears mingled with the chlorine. "Ano bang nangyayari sa'yo? You're a swimmer." He said silently. I froze in his arms. Jean Rose overcame her fear by learning how to swim. And she was very good at it. She became a champion in swimming competitions... while I never learned. Damn. FOUR
"Jeannie! Kasi... baka..."
I looked back at her. "Kung ayaw mo bahala ka!" Natanggal ko na ang tali ng bangka. I smiled at myself and took my sketch pad with me. There were mermaids in the lake. 'Yan ang madalas na ipanakot sa 'kin ni Aunt Lara. As if naman. Rubbish. Yep, I'm ten but not entirely stupid. "Pero kasi... Jeannie baka..." Isasagwan ko na sana ang bangka ng tumuntong na din siya. "Hindi kita pinilit ha." Ingos ko sa kanya. Jean Rose scowled at me and didn't say a word. Sa totoo lang Jean was never the evil twin sister. Kung meron man... well, wala pala. Syempre ako na lang 'yung natitirang kapatid no. Seriously she had always been there for me. "Jeannie... nasan na tayo? Bakit parang palayo na tayo ng palayo?" She bit her lower lip. Hindi ko siya pinansin. Anyway... sino bang may sabing sumama siya? "Jeannie ano ba!" "Ano?" Inis kong sabi habang ginuguhit ang papalubog na sikat ng araw. I was amazed with its reflection on the water. "Jeannie! Bumalik na tayo. Pagabi na." Mabilis nitong inagaw ang sagwan. Ayoko. Sa pag-aagawan namin ay nahulog ang sketch pad ko. "Tignan mo ginawa mo!" Naiiyak na sabi ko habang lumulutang lutang ang mga papel. Gusto kong sakalin ang kapatid ko ng mga sandaling iyon. Naiiyak na pinilit kong abutin isa isa kahit basa na. Gumewang gewang ang bangka. Jean Rose screamed. Sa isang iglap ay tumagilid ang bangka at sabay kaming bumagsak. We were both screaming... flailing... And it was all my fault.
Sinimangutan ko siya. Sa katulad ni Julian na perfectionist malamang na kasalanan ang 'di marunong lumangoy. At hindi ko kasalanan 'yun! Siya kaya lunurin ko. I bit my lower lip when he looked at me closely. Alam mo 'yun... naiilang ako sa titig niya. Na para bang... titig na nagnanasa-dududa. "You're supposed to be... a swimmer." He said that silently. "Well, I am." I said airily. "I was just... shocked by your big dog." I rolled my eyes heavenward. "You would be more shocked by my big..." Dog? Gusto ko sanang magbiro. Pero bigla niya 'kong pinakawalan. My eyes grew wide. Wala talaga siyang kunsiderasyon! 'Pag namatay talaga ako. Siya ang unang una kong mumultuhin. Ito ang taong kahit hindi bagong gising masamang biruin. "Jul-ian... I'm having cramps." Bingo! I wrapped my arms around his neck in haste. Both of my thighs wrapped around his body on its own accord. As if he were my lifeline. Our eyes met. My breasts were flattened against his hard chest. Para akong unggoy na nakabitin sa puno. And oh Lord... the tree was- getting- hard all over. As in... over, overrrrr.
"Oh... my God." Julian was just staring back at me. As if hindi siya ang may kagagawan ng pinagkakaganito ko! As if it was a normal catastrophic event in my life! Bakit ba kasi... "I couldn't... put my... thighs down." I whispered stupidly with lack of anything to say. Promise, feeling ko nagkulay mansanas ako. Hindi ko nga alam kung dahil sa ano... o dahil sa init. NG PANAHON. It was a matter of choosing between the devil and the deep blue sea. "Why not?" He said huskily. Goodness, that voice of hisit was like he had just woken up from a night of debauchery. Ang tanong: sinong mananamantala at sinong pagsasamantalahan? Not I. Diyos ko, bata pa 'ko. Bente uno lang po ako God para sa mga ganitong bagay. His hand caressed my cheek. I blinked thrice. My heart was beating triple time. His head came down... down... down. Siguro hindi naman magagalit si Jean Rose kung kahit isa lang. Isa lang. Just to satisfy my curiosity of what it feels like to be kissed-No! He is still the father of Jean Rose's baby. From the start, wala akong karapatan. It was now or never. "Jules... I have... something to tell you." The hell with the consequences. Nagsasalubong na naman 'yung mga kilay nito. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa naudlot na- o dahil sa alam niya na 'yung sasabihin ko. Parang nanlamig ako bigla. Lalo akong napayakap sa kanya. I licked my lower lip nervously. I couldn't look him in the eye. Ano bang nangyayari sa 'kin? I leaned my head in between his shoulder and neck. "My twin... she's the swimmer. Siya 'yung... 'yung magaling lumangoy. We uhm, experienced drowning before. She overcame her fear by... well, ako I never did learn. Jules I'm sorry. I'm not supposed to be who I am now." I cried on his shoulder. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa 'kin. Had he forgiven me? Hindi siya galit? "You should have told me sooner." Inis na sabi nito. So he already knew! Bakit ba ni konting pag-aalala man lang wala ang lalaking ito? Wala ba talaga itong inisip kundi ang sarili? Inis na humarap ako dito. Ang mahalaga hindi siya nagalit Jeannie! "I tried telling you... Ikaw ang..." "Hindi maganda ang panloloko Jean. Kung ginawa mo 'yun just to get the fame you wanted then you don't deserve it. Ganyan ka ba talaga? Kung anong gusto mo 'yun ang nakukuha mo? Without caring about others' feelings? Ano kaya nararamdaman ng kapatid mo? Siya ang gumawa ikaw ang umaako?" I should have said Hallelujah. Lumangoy ito sa swimming na nakabitin pa rin ako. Siguro kung hindi lang masamang pumatay ng tao, o kaya ay wala lang ang mga katulong doon ay baka nilunod na 'ko ni Julian. He was so mad at me. Then it dawned on me. Siya ang gumawa ikaw ang umaako? "You big stupid moron!" Tama ito. Si Jean Rose ang gumawa ako ang umaako! He had it all wrong. Akala niya pinagko-compete ko ang kakambal ko tapos... tapos ako kunwari ang nananalo? My God. Grabe ang mood
swings ng lalaking ito. At ang gentleman basta na lang akong ibinagsak sa marble floor sa gilid ng pool. "Yeah you're right! Siya ang gumawa ako ang umako ng mga- I'm not even preg-" Sh!t. Sh!t. "Sir... telephone po mommy niyo." Galit na hinablot nito ang telephone habang pinupunasan ang sarili. Bastos talaga. Giniginaw na 'ko pero isang towel lang ang nakita ko. Hawak pa niya. Ang manipis na suot ko kanina ay halos kita na dahil nga basa na din. At ni hindi man lang nahiyang ipahiram man lang sa 'kin. I winced when I heard him curse. "Tumayo ka at magbihis ka may pupuntahan tayo." At ang utos ng hari hindi mababali. I opened my mouth to shout at him. Two days of being married to Julian Sunico was like hell! And it felt like a lifetime since I said 'I do'. Kelan ba matatapos ito? Tumingin ako sa harap ng salamin. I wore an off-shouldered cream tailored dress. My creamy white shoulders were very much visible. Hindi iyon lalagpas ng mid-thigh ko. Ginamit ko lang ito once sa exhibit ng kakilala ko. Thank God for the two-inch stilettos. He didn't even comment about my appearance. So what was the use of telling him how gorgeous he is? I just shut my mouth up. Nagsasawa na 'ko sa pagtatalo namin ni Julian. Mag-aangilan lang kami. Susumbatan niya lang ako. Lelecturan ng walang katapusan about honesty and virtues. Na para bang mayroon siya! Julian opened the door for me. Na-amaze ako, for the first time Julian knew how to act the gentleman. We went inside the grand hotel. Hinila niya ako. I gritted my teeth in frustration. Hila dito, hila doon. Pudpod na stilettos ko. Hanggang sa makarating kami sa patutunguhan namin. "Hello Julian, it's nice to see you again son." My eyes grew wide. The man was just an older version of Julian. I smiled. Na-iimagine ko na 'pagtumanda ito. With his chinky eyes, straight nose"Ouch. Baka nakakalimutan mo ako pa rin ang nanay ng anak mo." Mahina pero gigil kong paalala. His eyes sent me a warning message. Ano pa nga ba. Act the very loving wife. "Hello sir, I'm glad to finally meet you. Bakit wala po kayo nung kasal namin ni Julian? We would have been happy kung nandon kayo." "I apologize hija, your husband here didn't send me an invitation card." "Invitation?" Ang weird. I looked at Julian then. He was tense. Kailan pa kinailangan ng tatay ng imbitasyon sa kasal ng anak niya? "What do you want?" Julian said coolly to his father. "Julian!" Nagulat talaga ako. Magtatay ba talaga ang mga ito? Umupo kami in silence at saka ko lang napansin ang babaeng kasama ni Mr. Sunico. She was in her early thirties and very much beautiful. She looked somewhat familiar. I smiled at her politely.
"I just want to see my son, is that bad?" He said. "Say hello to your tita Doris." "Your flavor of the month?" "Julian! Excuse my husband. He's..." Biglang pinisil nito ang kamay ko. Galit na tinitigan niya ako. I glared at him. Julian sighed and looked bored. Halos ako at ang papa niya lang ang nag-uusap. It felt so awkward. There was something wrong here. Normal naman sa mga produkto ng broken marriages ang ganitong ugali ni Julian. But his pain ran deep. "How's your mom?" "Ayun, masaya na si mommy sa buhay niya." He shrugged. "Dapat palang magpasalamat ako sa 'yo wala ka na sa buhay niya." "I loved your mother." Julian started laughing humorlessly. Na parang demonyo. Nakita kong parang aatakihin sa puso ang papa nito. "You loved her? Cut the crap, dad. When did you know the meaning of love? Jumping off from bed to bed while you know someone's waiting for you at home?" Pareho silang tumayo. Their fists were both clenched. "Julian please..." I grabbed his arm. "Sorry sir, marami pa pala kaming gagawin. Nice... nice to see you." Mabilis kong hinila si Julian. Tahimik lang ito. Ayokong magsalita. Anong sasabihin ko 'Julian, okay lang 'yun... okay lang na niloko ng papa mo ang mama mo past is past.' Eh di baka ihulog na 'ko ng tuluyan ni Julian palabas. "Julian ano ba!" Napasigaw ako ng pinaharurot niya ang Porsche niya. Halos lumangitngit iyon. Nakikpagkarerahan ba ito kay Kamatayan? Napakapit ako sa dashboard. Biglang may sumulpot na malaking truck sa harapan naming. My heart went overdrive. God please! Virgin pa 'ko. Ayoko pang mamatay! Parang naiiyak na 'ko ng sumadsad ang sasakyan sa gilid ng iliko ni Julian ang steering wheel. I felt the impact of what almost happened to us. "Julian?!" I frantically searched his face and body for wounds. None. Pero bigla niyang tinabig ang kamay ko. I was shocked. "Leave me alone!" He shouted. No. Shock was the understatement of the century. Tears were starting to form in my eyes. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na bumaba ako ng sasakyan. I was numb. Naglalakad ako sa gilid ng kalsada na wala sa sarili. Ni hindi na ko magtataka kung kukulutkulutin ko na ang buhok ko mamaya. Ano bang ginawa ko para parusahan ni God? Ang tanga tanga ko... ano bang akala ko sa sarili ko? Na ako si darna? I can't save everybody. Lalo na 'yung walang-utang na loob na lalaking 'yun! Tao lang ako. "Jean Rose Sunico!"
I didn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face. Gusto kong sumigaw at magwala sa gitna ng kalsada. Gusto kong sabihing, 'shut up! I'm not Jean! Sinong gustong humamon sa 'kin?' "Mrs. Sunico!" He roared. At biglang may kamay na humawak sa braso ko upang iharap ako. In a split second the beast hugged me! Fiercely. Then I started wetting his shirt. I sobbed louder. "I don't believe in love Mrs. Sunico. But I believe in the sanctity of marriage. You're bound to me... forever." My eyes got misty all the more. It sounded too real. Too good to be true. But I can't Julian. Not until I'm not Jean Rose. And I can never be her. Then the phone started ringing. Panira ng moment. "Hello?" His face suddenly changed... tenderly. Or was it my imagination? "Tricia?" Who's Tricia? FIVE Sabi nila 'best things in life are free'. True. Pero minsan nga kung ano pa 'yung libre siya pang mahirap kunin. Like happiness. Why is it so elusive? Maybe because we cannot have everything we wanted. Life's not perfect. Kaya nga hindi ako naniniwala sa sinabi ni Kim Chui na habulin mo happiness mo! Eh di kung ganon lang kadali iyon, sana wala ako dito. Julian would have been with... another. Tricia. Inihagis ni Julian ang coat sa couch at dumiretso sa mini bar. He poured himself a glass of brandy and downed it in one swallow. Hindi ako bulag o bingi. I know deep down the call had something to do with his sudden withdrawal. Not that I felt anything... well, maybe it was just guilt eating at me. "Julian... s-sino 'yung... tumawag?" Ano bang pakialam mo Jeannie? I was just curious. 'Yun lang. Not that I care. Kulang na lang sabihin niya sa mukha kong 'wala kang pakialam'. Well, wala naman talaga. Wala nga ba Jeannie? Hindi naman siguro pinagbabawal ng batas ang pagtatanong. I sighed exaggeratedly. He just shrugged. I should have known. I sighed again when he didn't even bother to respond. Ayun, tinalikuran pa 'ko. "Will you please... give me peace even just for tonight?" Mahina nitong sabi. His back was turned to me. Ang boses nito. Parang pagod na pagod. Parang... nasasaktan. That Tricia must have been special for him to be like this. Then he'd tell me that he didn't believe in love? Bull. Marami talagang mga sinungaling sa mundo. "Is she... special?" "Julian-" I jumped in surprise. I wonder, kung bakit hindi ako nabingi sa pagbagsak ng decanter at pagkalabog ng pinto. Ang bastos talaga.
Mabilis kong sinundan si Julian sa study room niya. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko, bakit ako mag-aalala sa isang taong ni wala man lang pakialam sa 'kin? But I do. "Julian... aren't you going to bed yet?" A slow sexy smile twitched on the corner of his mouth. "Are you inviting me to bed Jean?" Ang boses niya ah... parang nang-aakit. He should have been a DJ. I shook the cobwebs in my head. "Me... meron ako." Napalunok ako habang papalapit siya ng papalapit. He wasn't drunk yet! Was he? "Don't pull my leg Jean... Do you think I'm stupid? You lied to me. Again." So he knew all along! Bigla itong tumawa. Tawang demonyo. His eyes were squinted in anger. Palapit ito ng palapit. My back hit the wall. His eyes. He had fox-like eyes. Na parang gagawin akong panghapunan. Okay lang sana kung desert eh, no... he wanted to eat me alive. Dahil sa galit.
Silence. "Julian... I just want to hel-" "Help? That's bullsh!t." He started laughing mockingly. "Since I want honesty between us. Yes. She's my girlfriend of two years. We are about to get married. And thanks to you it won't happen anymore..." He looked bored and predatory. His shirt was loosened. Wala na ang necktie nito. So sinisisi niya 'ko? Ang kapatid ko. Parang biglang umakyat lahat ng dugo ko sa ulo. "Julian... anong ginawa mo nung pinikot kita?" He stared at me. Really stared at me like I'd grown two heads and a horn. "What's your excuse? Dahil lalaki ka? Dahil mahina ka? And oh, you couldn't resist my charm." "I was drunk." He whispered angrily. "Ikaw? What's your excuse? Having the Sunico name? You prostituted yourself to me! And ruined our future! Ginamit mo lang ako Jean! Ginamit mo lang." My eyes grew wide. Naglalabasan na ang ugat sa leeg nito. Then he raised his clenched fist in the air. My breath got hitched. I closed my eyes with a prayer. Sasaktan ba talaga 'ko ni Julian? Would he resort to that? Parang gusto kong umiyak. I was quite numb.... hinihintay kong dumapo sa 'kin ang mga kamay niya.
Then he hit the wall. Once. Twice. Thrice. Sa gilid ng ulo ko. Parang kasabay nun ang pagbagal at paglakas ng tibok ng puso ko. Para 'kong naparalyze na nakatitig lang sa sa mukha niya. It was full of hatred and remorse. Dahan dahan kong nakitang umaagos ang dugo sa kamay ni Julian. His knuckles were scraped because of the impact. Dahil ba kay Tricia? Parang bigla akong na-possess. I felt so... hurt. Hindi lang siya ang nasakal. "You were drunk Julian? So how do you think did I do it? Hindi ka ba nag-participate nung ginawa natin 'yun! Anong ginawa mo? Humiga ka lang
and let me do all the dirty work?" I wanted to shake some sense into him. "Kung sa bagay, bakit nga naman hindi? Eh ako naman itong mamimikot 'di ba?" "It was... dark. I thought you were..." He said stonily. Tricia? Gusto kong isigaw 'yun. Hindi ako nagagalit. I was just mad on my twin sister's behalf. Hindi ako pwedeng magalit. No. No. And very much no! Ang mahirap kasi sa mga lalaki, kapag babae ang nakagawa ng kasalanan para kang nakamatay. Pero 'pag sila 'lalaki' lang sila eh, natempt lang. Bakit lalaki lang ba ang mga tao? Sila lang ba pwedeng magkamali? Pero hindi nga 'yun pagkakamali. Sinadya 'yun Jeannie. Sinadya! Sh!t. Nakakabaliw kausapin ang konsensya mo. I slammed the door as I walked out of there. At alam ko, hindi man ako ang pinakamatalinong tao sa mundo. Jean Rose wouldn't do this without a valid reason. Love? Letseng love 'yan. Gusto kong magpakamatay.
Three weeks. It had been three weeks since then. Hindi ko makuhang dalawin sina Mommy. Siguro dahil nagtatampo pa rin ako. Sino bang hindi? Para 'kong tuta na basta na lang pinamigay. Masyado ba talaga 'kong generic? Napagpapalit palit? I had never been lonelier than this. Hindi ko kailangang maging si Madam Auring para ma-vibrate kong iniiwasan ako ni Julian. He didn't want to see me. Pwes, the feeling was mutual. Gigising ako sa umaga. Wala na siya. Matutulog ako sa gabi. Wala pa siya. He was always in his study room. Parang boarder nga lang ako dito sa mansyon niya. I should be thankful. Dahil hindi na niya ipipilit ang marital rights niya. Bakit hindi na lang kami magpa-annul? Sila pala ni Jean? Kung ganito lang din naman... Oo nga pala. He was bound by the Sunico tradition. Yep. Salamat sa pagiging tsismosa-no, pagiging mapagobserba ko ay narinig kong sinabi ng mommy niya na 'there should be no broken marriages'. It was a sin in the Sunico commandment. But there's always an exception to the rule. Julian's family. Mabilis akong pumunta sa study room. I knocked. "Julian?" No response. "Julian?" Walang tao.
I was about to go out when Julian's medals caught my attention. "Champion siya... 1st place in a swimming competition?" I gasped. "Soccer. Rugby." Ano pa bang alam nito? O mas tamang sabihing ano pa ba ang hindi nito alam? "He graduated business ad. in the states." Wow. So Mr. Almost Perfect had the right to be Mr. Arrogant, eh? It was too good to be true. Akala ko walang taong ganito. Pero mali ako. Minsan nga naiisip ko, hindi naman sa kinukwestiyon ko si God. May class A at class B. Pero bakit kaya may mga taong sinalo ang lahat? Katulad na lang ni Georgina Wilson, 'yung tipong pati hanggang dulo ng kuko kaiinggitan mo. They have it all. Mayaman, kagandahan, kasikatan. Samantalang may mga pinagkaitan... hirap na nga, hirap pang iharap ang mukha. Seriously, where's the fairness of life in it? And Julian was one of the Class A. Mga sakim. Sinalo lahat. Then I saw a smiling picture of him. Parang gusto kong matunaw sa ngiting 'yun. And my, the bod. Yummy. I rolled my eyes. Here, he won first place in a swimming competition. Then I moved on to the next picture. A ten or so Julian, with his uncle? Hindi ko kilala ang lalaki. They have the same smile though. At ang mga next pictures ay kasama nitong nagpi-fishing ang lalaki. Then another with Julian's mom. Para silang buong pamilya. Nasan ang dad dito ni Julian? No. He wasn't perfect. He had a broken home. Tahimik na pumunta ako sa desk niya tinignan ang picture don. My eyes grew wide. "Tricia?... Tricia Leyva?" I competed with her once in a painting competition in New York. The picture of a loving couple. Stolen shot. Kissing. Very much happy. I felt cold. 'Didn't know if it was because I knew her. Or the kiss. Then I saw an envelope written with a Leviste on it. Another surprise God? Parang napapansin ko na you never ran out of surprises for me? And I didn't like it for one sec. I opened it. "Oh... my God. A notice of foreclosure from the bank. Binayaran ni Julian ang bahay namin. Binayaran niya ang bahay namin." Para 'kong sirang plaka na napaupo. Nakatulala ako sa mismong picture ng dalawa. Jean did it because she was always the good daughter. I started crying. Not because our parents forced her to do it. Alam ko. May issue man ako sa parents ko, hindi ito soap opera. Let's face reality, magulang ay magulang. At hindi sila ganon kasama. They still loved me. So sinong dapat sisihin? Feeling ko napakaselfish ko. I was in New York trying to make out on my own. Trying to be different from my sister... All the while they were making both ends meet. "What the hell are you doing here?" I felt weak. Cheap. He bought Jean-me. Yeah. He was right. I- Jean prostituted herself for a one and a half million. Why is life so unfair? SIX
Ni hindi lang ako get away ngumiti,
ko siya tinignan. I just walked past him and got out. Tumigil ng maisara ko ang pintuan at sumandal doon. I just wanted to from here. Naso-suffocate na 'ko. Minsan kahit anong pilit mong lalo lang sumasakit.
I don't want to hate Julian. I don't want.Pero kapag nasasaktan ang isang tao, lumilipad sa bintana lahat ng 'logic'. Ang isip ko sinasabing hindi ako dapat magalit sa kanya. Ang puso ko? And don't ask me why. Hindi ko din alam! I dressed quickly upstairs and took my handbag. At least CM would make me happy. Kanino ka pa ba tutungo 'pag may problema? 'Di syempre sa bestfriend mo. I hailed a cab. Sabi niya 'wag ko na siyang sunduin. Eh, may magagawa pa ba siya kung nandun na 'ko? I was immersed into deep thoughts. Tumigil ang taxi nung umilaw ang stoplight. I frowned when I saw a woman crossing the street. Wala sa loob na sinundan ko siya ng tingin. Maganda. Hmmm... Then my eyes grew wide. She turned to the lane toward the side of the taxi. Of course, maganda... kilalang kilala ko ang mukha na 'yun. How could I not? I was looking straight into my own face. No. Jean's face! "Jean!" I half shouted. Bubuksan ko pa lang ang handle ng umandar na si manong. "Manong stop!" Napakamot ito sa ulo. Pero hindi na kami makatigil kasi may MMDA dun. Napasabunot ako sa buhok ko. Gusto kong magtitili. Napatingin sa 'kin si Manong. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung akalain niyang may baliw na sumakay sa kanya. Nagbayad ako at mabilis na bumaba. I waited for CM's arrival. "CM!" Lakad pa lang niya alam ko na. "Jeannie?" One brow arched. Agaw eksena kami ng niyakap niya 'ko. Kala mo naman hindi nagkita ng isang taon. Eh, isang buwan lang naman. Pinisil pisil ko 'yung biceps niya. Inakbayan niya 'ko at pumunta kami sa pinakamalapit na Italian Restaurant. Natawa pa nga ako ng sundan server 'yung tingin sa 'min-kay CM. Kung alam lang niya. "So what happened?" I pouted. Lahat-lahat ata ng sama ng loob ko kay Julian sinabi ko sa kanya. Pinisil niya ang kamay ko. Too sweet, I could melt. SANA. "What if he found out the truth? That you're not pregnant?" He wolfed down the pasta enthusiastically. I sighed. "I bet he's going to plot murder against me. Alam mo 'yung mga ginagawa ng mga mayayaman na pinapasalvage 'yung first wife nila." Grabe, ang morbid. I shivered suddenly. Hindi gagawin ni Julian 'yun. Anong alam mo? You haven't known him that long. "Kung pwede nga lang maghimala ako at magbuntis."
"Bakit hindi?" Bale-walang sabi nito. Yeah, some advice. Then I stared at his cute face. Ahm... well, CM could help? God. Mas morbid 'yun. Tapos napatingin siya sa 'kin. "Oh, no, no, no, Jeannie." "What?" I said innocently. "Hindi kita type no." Ang bilis talaga ng radar nito. Nagpalumbaba ako at ikinuwento lahat. From the beginning 'till the bitter end. "Wow, bestfriend we could make it a story, you know." Ang hudas pumalakpak pa. Ano 'to soap opera? "Salamat sa awa ha." "Jean?" We both turned at the voice. "BRAD?" Brad's face was polite. Pero nakikita ko ang isandaan at isang tanong. CM raised one brow at me. "Brad this is CM. M-my b-bestfriend in New-" York. "CM? Sa tatlong taon na nakilala kita... You haven't mentioned him." Tumingin ako kay CM. Parang gusto ko siyang batukan. Nakangiti pa. Kay Brad! "Ah... ah... b-bestfriend siya ni... ni Jeannie!" How odd I refer someone as myself. Ayan pati ako naguluhan na din talaga. Umupo ito sa tapat ni CM. Katabi ko. Tapos biglang tumunog 'yung cellphone nito at nag-excuse. Tumalikod. "He's-he's..." Jean's ex. I mouthed. Para kaming sira na nagsa-sign language. Nag-X sign pa ako na parang si April boy. CM rolled his eyes. "He's yummy." He mouthed. At gigil na kumagat labi pa ito. Yuck. Yes. Si CM ay isang nagbabalatkayong tao-este lalaki. Sa likod ng mga fats niya ay 24/7 tumitibok ang pusong laan para kay Adan. In short, siya ay... paminta, halamang dagat, at si Zsa Zsa Zaturna. "I think I have to go. Hindi ka pa ba uuwi Jean?" Nag-aalalang sabi ni Brad. I saw tenderness in his eyes. "Ihahatid na kita." "Ako din uuwi na." CM smiled up at Brad. Gross. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mata. Hindi ikaw ang tinatanong! "'Di ba Jeanni-" I sent him a warning glance. Isa pa kakatayin ko na talaga 'tong si CM. He had the biggest mouth ever. Masyado kasing napraktis. Brad frowned. "Ah... oo." Hinawakan niya ang siko ko ng tumayo ako. Goodness, I would really melt. He was a real gentleman. Kung ganito lang sana si Julian. Then pigs would surely fly. Hinatid namin si CM sa bahay nito sa Alabang. At binaba ako ni Brad sa mansyon. Baba na lang ako ng hawakan niya 'ko sa braso. His face was an inch or two away from me. Parang bigla kong nalunok 'yung laway ko. Goodness, bakit ba umuulan ng mga lalaki sa buhay ni Jean?
"Jean... why did you do that to me?" Anong sasabihin ko? Kelangan ba pag-naguusap ganito pa kalapit? "You've known him for only three to four months." He whispered achingly. "Ako? You've known me for three years! I thought you love me? Parang... nagbago ka na." Three to four months? I bit my lower lip. Kaya pala... kaya pala parang hindi man lang nagtataka si Julian. He couldn't and wouldn't tell Jean and me apart. Dahil hindi niya talaga kilala si Jean! "Hindi ako ang nagbago..." Winner! Pwede na 'kong manalo sa FAMAS. "Ang sitwasyon lang natin ang nagbago Brad." "Jean... annul your marriage. Be with me." Anyone would want Brad for herself. Me included. Sino bang may ayaw ng lalaking ganito magmahal? One in a million siya. Jean must be very lucky. Hindi rin... dahil wala pang happy ending. Lalo lang akong nalungkot para sa kapatid ko. Tinanggal ko all over his Buntis na si just said it
ang kamay niya sa braso ko. I saw the desperation written face. I wanted to make a way for my sister and him. How? Jean kay Julian. Then I gasped. O buntis nga ba? Had she to blackmail Julian?
I hadn't seen Julian when I got home. Ganon naman eh, mas gusto niyang kasama 'yung mga libro, computer at alak niya. I felt exhausted and slept early. Later in the wee hours of midnight, naramdaman kong parang may pumasok sa kwarto. Then someone was shaking my shoulder. Tinakpan ko ng unan ang ulo ko at hinampas kung sino man 'yung bastos na 'yun. "Jean. Jean!" "What!" Natutulog 'yung tao eh. "Magbihis ka may pupuntahan tayo." Nawala lahat ng antok ko. He grabbed my shoulders and made me stand up. "My God Julian, are you out of your mind? It's one in the morning! Kung gusto mo ikaw na lang mag-isa." Galit na ibabagsak ko ulit ang katawan ko sa kama ng buhatin niya 'ko. I screamed. "Julian no!" Binuksan niya ang shower at itinapat ako sa ilalim ng napakalamig na tubig. "Oh my God. Oh my God." Ang ginaw talaga. Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. "Maliligo tayo ng sabay?" Nakataas ang isang kilay nito. I heard the amusement in his voice. Hmm... pwede. "No!" Mabilis akong bumitiw sa kanya kahit pa ma-hypothermia na 'ko. "Bilisan mo." 'Yun lang. He walked on. "Julian?" He didn't turn around. "Please call me Jeannie. It's... it's my nickname." I whispered softly.
At least, in that I didn't lie. He chuckled. "Nicknames are supposed to shorten one's name." Tapos lumabas na ito. What did he mean by that? Pinaikli naman talaga ah, from Jeannette to Jeannie-Oh... Jean was always just Jean.
Por Diyos, Por Santo! Ala-una ng madaling araw. Ano 'to napagtripan lang basta ni Julian na magtour kami sa Korea?! I bit my lower lip. Hindi ako mapakali lalo. Nakatulog ako habang byahe kaya nabigla na lang ako ng nasa NAIA na kami. In my panic-driven state, I called CM. "Hello?" "Carlo Miguel Jr.!" "Jeannie? Oh my God kung tsismis lang 'yan ipagpabukas mo na. May jetlag pa 'ko." "CM-!!!" The line went dead. Grabe, na-touched ako sa bestfriend ko. Binabaan ako ng phone! I tried and tried again. Again. Again. I thanked God he didn't unplug the socket. "CM! We're going to Korea!" "So?" Pati ba naman bestfriend ko nahawahan ng pagiging insensitive ni Julian? "Help me!" "Jeannie... hindi ako si Darna. Anong gagawin ko harangin 'yung eroplano? Pasabugin 'yung airport?" "Anong gagawin ko? We're going to fly to Korea! As in, now!" Julian frowned at me. Lumayo ako lalo. "Inhale, exhale. Hindi naman siguro babagsak 'yung eroplano no." At ipinarinig pa sa 'kin ang malakas na paghikab niya. Hindi naman ako manhid. Kulang na lang sabihin niyang 'hang up' na. "CM... I can't meet the whole Sunico clan." "Relax... take a deep breath. Punta ka sa asawa mo." "Tapos?" "Yakapin mo at saka mo ikiss. Torrid." "CM!" I then gaped at Julian. And he was also staring at me! Feeling ko nagkulay mansanas ako. Kung narinig niya lang ang sinabi ni CM. "Eh 'di 'wag, French kiss na lang." "Kung alam ko lang na B. I. ka..." Hindi ko napigilang hindi matawa. "Matagal na Jeannie. 'Sus, kung alam ko lang natetempt ka na ding gawin." Hmm. Parang nga. I swallowed. Julian was sitting handsomely in his Lacoste polo shirt and Levi's jeans. Damn sexy men. Kahit papano gumaan
ang pakiramdam ko ng tinawagan ko si CM. I knew he just wanted to make the ordeal light for me. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Julian. He looked bored. He wore that devil-may-care expression on him. As if he owned the world. Gawin ko kaya? Ano kayang magiging reaction ni Julian? "You've already met my family when they'd come home. Siguro... kung wala lang sakit si Angko..." His tone changed. Malungkot. Parang gusto kong haplusin 'yung mukha niya. He looked vulnerable all of a sudden. AT minsan lang 'yun. The devil JULIAN SUNICO? Vulnerable? Ha! Magpapamisa ako. Sino si Angko? "You've met him. The family dinner before the wedding, remember? You and Tantan hit it off." He shrugged then looked at me knowingly. Sino si Tantan? My mind was screaming. Gusto ko ng lumabas ng airport at sumigaw ng kidnapping. My hands trembled. Tumaas ang kilay nito. I didn't want him to be suspicious. Oh God, no. I tried to smile. Pero parang ayaw makisama ng mga muscles ko. I bit my lower lip. Natatakot na talaga ako. What if they found out? I couldn't act as Jean! In Korea! With Julian's estranged family! I was quite surprised when I felt a big hand hovered over my own. Then it fitted the spaces between my fingers. Unti-unting tumaas ang ulo ko. He wasn't looking at me. But then... I felt him. He was there with me. SEVEN I didn't know a thing about Korea much less Julian's Korean family. As in. Para akong pinasugod ng mga magulang ko sa giyera ng wala man lang dalang armas. Habang nasa loob kami ng eroplano ay gusto ko ng tumalon palabas ng bintana. Oh my, argh, I already and suddenly missed Philippines! As if... What would I do? What should I do? Julian just slept like the dead. Habang hawak niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko sa lap ko mismo. Mahigpit. Sa sobrang higpit iisipin kong ayaw niya 'kong pakawalan. It should warm my heart. But panic was overwhelming me. "Julian... I don't think this is a good idea." I whispered when I saw his one good eye flickered. He raised one brow at me. As if telling me to keep my thoughts to myself. "Julian..." "What?" He snapped at me! Sabi ko na nga ba masamang biruin ang bagong gising eh. I gave him my most charming smile. Tinignan niya 'ko. In disgust. Grabe, padarag na tinanggal ko 'yung kamay niya sa pagkakahawak ng kamay ko. Pero lalo lang niyang hinigpitan. Then he sighed exaggeratedly. I pouted my lips. Bakit ba umaasa pa 'kong magbabago siya? The stewardess smiled at us-specifically at Julian. At sa pagkagulat ko, Julian smiled charmingly at her! The devil really could smile... Tapos sa 'kin pinagdadamot niya 'yun. Inis na tinanggal ko ang kamay ko sa pagkakahawak niya.
He raised one brow at me. Inirapan ko siya at umisod pakabila. Na para bang may space akong mauusugan. I know... I was acting childish. Wala naman siyang pakialam 'di 'ba? "There's nothing to be jealous of..." I gasped. "Excuse me?" Mali ba 'ko ng rinig? "You're my wife. Sa 'yo lang ako..." Biglang napatingin ako sa kanya. Dapat matuwa ako sa sinabi niya. But I saw amusement written all over his face. Like hell, he didn't really mean it. Mayamaya sumeryoso siya. What amazed me next was when he cupped my face. Para 'kong naparalyze. Tapos bumaba 'yung kamay niya sa leeg ko. Then down to my-
"Oh my..." I whispered.
My tummy. Bakit niya hinahawakan tummy ko? I tensed. I sucked in the air unconsciously. Seriously, hindi ko alam kung ako lang ang nakakaramdam non... pero parang may kuryente. Ganon ba talaga? Normal ba talaga 'yun? O ako lang 'yung abnormal? "I'm already excited to see our baby." He said softly. He was too gentle. Na para bang hindi siya 'yung Julian na lagi akong sinisigawan. 'Yung Julian na walang pakialam sa 'kin. At lalong 'yung Julian na nilockan ako ng pinto. "What do you want? Girl... boy?" "Hmm..." His chinito eyes squinted all the more. Na para bang iniisip niya talagang maigi. "Anything... basta healthy." Tapos hinamas niya ulit 'yung tyan ko. Buti wala akong bilbil. I felt warmth in the simple gesture. Then he looked at me straight in the eye. I could drown in those brown eyes. "Ako din..." Wala sa loob na bulong ko. Ano nga kaya ang magiging itsura ng baby namin ni Julian? Kamuka din kaya ni Julian? His eyes, my lips, his one left dimple, my nose. Tapos... tapos... Oh... God. Don't look at me like that... I might fall! "When we get back, we'll see an OB." "We'll see an..." Napalunok ako. Julian stared at me. At tinitignan ang reaksyon ko. I forgot all about the make-believe baby! Parang gusto kong lumubos sa kinauupuan ko habang himas himas niya ang tiyan kong wala naman talagang laman kundi puro intestines. Masama bang ma-carried away? I tried to crack a smile. I just hoped it wasn't seen as a grimace. Mayamaya lang tulog na ulit si Julian. He must have been very tired because of work. Hindi rin naman madali na maging Vice President ng isang malaking kumpanya at the age of 27. Ginising ko siya ng palapag na kami. We went out of the international airport hand in hand. Sana laging ganito si Julian...
Well, I giggled. Ano nga kayang nakain nito? He gave me a coat. Malamig. Ba't 'di na lang kaya niya 'ko yakapin? Now I was sounding very much like CM. Palabas na kami ng may naghihintay na sasakyan. The land was very foreign to me. Bumalik na naman bigla 'yung takot ko. Binitiwan niya 'ko ng kinuha niya 'yung mga bag namin. Ayoko sana, ayoko pa. Napataas 'yung kilay ko. Hindi niya 'ko pinagbitbit ng gamit ko! Ang bait ah, gusto ko ng maniwala. We both stopped when we saw a woman standing in the middle of the parking lot... waiting for us. Nakita kong natigilan si Julian. They both stared at each other. Na para bang wala ako dun! I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. I DON'T CARE. Tricia was still as sophisticated as I remembered. Feeling ko nga, para akong nasa drama. And I was meeting the other woman. Oh no, ako pala 'yung kontrabida. Gusto kong sumigaw kay Julian at sabihing 'hello! I'm here!' I glared at his back. 'Pagkatapos niya 'kong sabihang 'Sa'yo lang ako...' Lumapit sa 'kin 'yung sa tantiya 'ko ay steward nila. He couldn't speak English. Tinuro niya sa'kin ang kotse at kinuha 'yung nag-iisang clutch bag na dala ko. Nakatayo pa rin ako dun. Para akong t-a-n-g-a na naghihintay ng himalang mapansin nila. Then they were speaking softly. In another language. Then Julian replied quietly. Tenderly. Inis na nilagpasan ko sila. Deadma. Ganon ba talaga ang epekto ni Tricia kay Julian? Had he loved her that much to forget about me? Well, the hell I care. Kahit magtitigan sila buong maghapon. Sana lang pareho silang magka-sore eyes. Or better yet, mag-freeze sa ginaw. Galit na inunahan ko na ng bukas ng pinto bago ang steward. Wala akong pakialam kung masira man ang handle non. "Marami naman siyang pambili 'di ba?" Binalibag ko pasara ang pinto. It seemed to take an eternity. Magdurugo na ata ang lower lip ko sa sobrang kagat. Ganito ako kapag natetense o naiinip. Tumingin ako sa kanila. My eyes grew wide, Julian was already... embracing her! And she was crying. Tumalikod lang ako saglit, at hayun ang magaling na lalaki. May kayakap ng iba! Gigil na kinuha ko sa bag ang cellphone na pinakuha ko sa isa sa mga maids ni Julian mula sa bahay namin nung isang araw. I dialed his number. Tinitigan kong maigi ng kumalas siya mula kay Tricia at kinapa ang coat pocket. Then he looked at me through the tinted window sill. He frowned. Mabilis kong iniiwas ang mga mata ko. Na para bang nakikita niya 'ko. Kung hindi ko pa alam na tinted ang sasakyan. When the car door opened, Tricia got in. "Jeannie?"
As if naman... nagulat ka! I smiled at her mockingly, too sweetly. At pasimpleng umirap.
"I... didn't know..." She whispered wonderingly. Lumapit si Julian. "You didn't tell me about Jeannie." "You knew each other?" I groaned inwardly. "No." "Yes." Nag-duet kami ni Tricia. Pareho kaming nagkatinginan. Julian raised one brow at us. "I... I..." "Jeannie?... I met her in New York." My eyes grew wide. "Ah... no, you were talking about Jean! Yes, Jean!" I laughed nervously. Lalo na ng titigan akong maigi ni Julian. As if he could see through my lies. "I couldn't be mistaken, honey... she was Jeannie. We're not friends but we have been-" Hindi ko alam kung saan uminit ang ulo ko: sa endearment ni Tricia o dahil hindi ko lang talaga siya feel. "So... are you telling me that I'm a scheming b!tch?" Hell, I didn't care if I sounded like one. Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko. Yes. I'm a slut in the making. Tricia gasped. I felt a twinge of guilt. Pero twinge lang. Julian glared at me. "That wasn't what I intended." Tricia had always been soft-spoken. Had the circumstances been different we could have been friends. Could have been. Pero layuan niya muna ako, sa mood ko ngayon hindi ko feel maging chummy-chummy sa kanya. Baka pagbuhulin ko pa sila ni Julian. Julian sat in front. Kami naman ni Tricia sa backseat. Nakita kong nagkakatinginan sila sa rearview mirror sa harapan. I didn't know why I felt hurt. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. Pagod ako. Pagod ka Jeannie. Itulog mo na lang 'yan. In the deepest part of me I felt alone. I hated Julian. I hated this feeling. Na parang torture. Para akong sinasakal. Bakit ganito? Ayoko ng makita si Julian, si Tricia. Gusto ko ng umuwi. Naalimpungatan ako. "Wake up... we're here." 'Yun lang. Julian got out and took our luggage. Tapos inalalayan niya si Tricia. "Madapa ka sana." "What did you say?" Tricia turned at me.
"Ha?" Had I said my thoughts aloud? Umiwas ako ng tingin kay Julian. Sh!t. Narinig niya 'ko. So? Hindi ko pinansin ang kamay niyang nakalahad. If I were a scheming b!tch then he's the biggest hypocrite ever. Kung alam ko lang, he was wishing me to the moon. "Imo Jean!" Aunt Jean. Nabigla ako ng may batang lalaking biglang tumakbo at yumakap sa 'kin. Napatingin sa 'kin si Tricia at Julian. Then I saw the others looking at us from inside the big yard. Mas malaking mansyon. Victorian style in Korea? Hmm. Some look Korean, others were Filipinos. "Imo Jean... h-hold me!" Para akong mahihimatay. Ang matatabang mga braso nito ay tumaas. Nagpapabuhat! Oh, my God. I forgot, Jean Rose was fond of kids. At ako... ayoko sa bata! Ngumiti ako dito at pasimpleng pinanlakihan ito ng mata. Biglang bumilog ang naniningkit na mga mata ng bata. Maputi ito. Chubby cherubin. Three to four years old. Julian chuckled. "Hello Tantan... dangsin-i samchon jullian-i cheos kiseu wonhaneun geos-il sudo?" You might want to kiss Uncle Julian first. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag ng umalis ito sa pagkakayakap sa mga hita ko. Tricia eyed me curiously. So he's Tantan? I groaned inwardly. Kumiss ito kay Julian. So... Julian's words were asking him to kiss him? Was that it? Oh, no. What have I gotten myself into? Tapos bumalik ulit ito at hinawakan ang kamay ko. "Tantan..."I gritted my teeth while smiling. 'Pagpasok namin ay niyakap ako isa-isa ng mga kamag-anak ni Julian. They were almost all half-filipinos half-koreans. At nalaman kong kaya lang sila nandito ay dahil sa Angko ni Julian... Julian's grandfather was sick. I just smiled. Tahimik lang ako. Then someone bear-hugged me. "Hija! Kamusta ka na? Too sad, I didn't make it on your wedding day." I smiled at the old man. He was the old man in the pictures! With Julian. "Uncle..." I whispered tentatively. Ngumiti ito at inabutan ako ng wineglass. "Imo Jean!" I almost groaned aloud. Hindi ba ako titigilan ng batang ito? Kinarga ito ng matandang lalaki. "You missed aunt Jean, eh? Pagpasensyahan mo ang apo ko Jean." "O-kay lang po." Hindi okay. Nakatingin sa 'kin ang batang naglalagkit sa chocolates. Oh, no. "Imo Jean..." Yumakap ulit ito. Wala na 'kong nagawa. Some smiled at me. Kahit isa sa kanila hindi ko alam ang pangalan. Then I saw Julian and Tricia talking quietly from a corner. Tantan smiled up at me.
"Imo Jean... let's play." He grasped my hand. Nagkalat ang chocolates sa mga kamay ko. Sa sobrang inis ko binitawan ko siya. He looked at me then started hiccupping. Oh my, God... "Sssshhh... Tantan... don't cry." He was as evil as his uncle Julian! Then he stopped crying. Na parang hinipan lang ng hangin. He stared at me. Really stared at me, like the way Julian stared at me when he was suspicious. "You're not Imo Jean! You're not Imo Jean!" He started wailing. "What the hell is happening here?!" Unti-unti akong tumingin sa hagdanan. I froze in place. My gaze was fixed on the grand staircase. There stood Julian's grandfather. Roaring like a lion. The patriarch of the Sunico family. Para akong hihimatayin. My eyes searched for Julian. NO! He was holding Tricia's hand. NOT MINE! I fainted. EIGHT "Jeannie! Jeannie! Damn... Jeannie darling... please wake up," I heard that one. Nananaginip ba 'ko? Sa panaginip ko... Julian was worried sick about me. Me. Me. Me. No Tricia. No make-believe baby. No nothing. I opened my eyes slowly. "Nasan ako?" Julian cupped my cheek softly. Lahat sila nakapalibot sa 'kin. Si Celine, si Uncle Jin, Tantan, Drake, Aunt Risan, and the rest... I couldn't very well remember their names. Nakita ko ang mukha ni Julian, clearly. Then I started hiccuping. I wanted to go home. Ayoko na. Hindi ko na kaya. He looked real worried. Kung hindi ko pa alam... in my peripheral vision I saw her. "I'm... okay." Pinilit kong tumayo mula sa malaking kama. My throat was dry. "Alam mo cous, ganyan din ako ng pinagbubuntis ko si Tantan. Emotional stress, kaya ikaw Julian... take care of Jean." Celine smiled at me. Anak siya ni Uncle Jin. Tama. Emotional stress. "Are you sure, you're okay?" Tanong ni Uncle Jin. Napansin ko ang closeness ni Julian kay Uncle Jin. The man who had bear-hugged me earlier. At apo nito si Tantan. Uncle Jin was his father's cousin. Parang ito ang pumalit sa pwestong iniwan ng papa niya. And sadly... the divorce of Julian's parents caused the Sunico patriarch to disown his eldest son. Then Tantan kissed my nose. "Imo Jean... s-sorryy..." My eyes watered. Hindi naman ako pinanganak na sinungaling kaya nagi-guilty din naman ako sa pamilya ni Julian. Hindi ko ineexpect ito. Hindi sila matapobre like what I'd expected. "Are you sure, darling? You got me worried... We'll go to the nearest hospital. Our baby... he might be..." He frantically cupped my stomach tenderly. Natawa ang mga pinsan ni Julian at tinapik ito. Gusto kong maniwala Julian... gusto ko. But I'm not that stupid. At sana hindi dumating 'yung panahong I'd start really hating you. "Is there something wrong, sonja?" Napatingin ako sa mukha ng Angko ni Julian. He didn't look as if he was sick. His rheumy eyes were still clear. I sighed. Ewan ko, pati ako naguguluhan. But there was definitely
something about his grandfather that made me fear him. Authority. Arrogance. Na parehong meron kay Julian. They were both alike. "Let's get her to rest." Sabi nito sa mataas na tinig. May tungkod ito. Nobody assisted the old man. He's got grit and pride. Very much like Julian. Niyakap ako ni Tantan sa leeg. Hindi ako makahinga sa bigat niya. Diyos ko, mapapatawad ko na sana 'tong batang 'to. "Jean-nie..." Nakita ko si Tricia, parang nag-aalala siya. O nag-aalala ba talaga? Tinalikuran ko siya. Hindi naman siguro siya istupida para maintindihang ayoko siyang makita much less, makausap. "Jeannie..." "Will you please... go away from me?" I murmured angrily as Julian touched my shoulder. Tinanggal ko iyon ng humarap ako sa kanya. Pero lalo niya lang hinigpitan. Nagtitigan kami. Ano 'to stare-a-thon? The muscle on his jaw flexed furiously. Wala na 'kong pakialam kung magalit siya sa 'kin. In the first place, wala siyang karapatan magalit. "What's wrong?" I bit my lower lip from shouting at him. Insensitive cad! What's wrong? Ha! "Yes! Everything's wrong... you, me and Tricia!" I clenched my teeth. Nakita kong unti-unting nag-iiba 'yung expression niya. He became withdrawn. "Please Julian... Tama ka. Ginamit kita. Ginamit kita para makuha ko ang gusto ko, ang pangalan ng pamilya mo, para makuha ko ang titulo ng bahay namin. And let's face reality... may... mahal kang iba." Bakit ako masasaktan? Siguro kasi natatapakan pride ko bilang babae. "At may mahal din akong iba." Taas noong tumingin ako sa kanya. His fists clenched. Parang bigla akong natakot sa itsura ni Julian. He wouldn't hurt me. At least not physically. "Right." Gigil na itinaas nito ang baba ko. "You love Brad, right? And you're a hypocrite, Jeannie. You ruined both our lives. Sana nanlimos ka na lang sa 'kin." Niyakap niya 'ko ng mahigpit. Natakot ako bigla. Julian seemed like the very devil himself. "Because I'm good at giving back to charities... and you're one of them. Eh, di sana... hindi tayo parehong nakatali sa kasal na ikaw mismo ang may gawa." I know an insult when I heard one. And it hit right through the core. Charity? 'Yun ba talaga tingin sa 'min ng kapatid ko? "I hate you Julian! I love Brad... I so love Brad that I wished he were you right this minute!" Pasigaw na sabi ko. Pagsalba man lang ng pride. I was amazed at what he had done next... pabalyang itinulak ako ni Julian sa kama. Hindi naman ako nasaktan dahil malambot ang malaking kama. But oh, I was suddenly afraid. He pulled off his coat. Ang mga mata nito. Kulang na lang maging abo ako sa apoy na nilalabas non. I looked over my shoulders... Lamp shade? Brush? No! I can't hurt him. Sadly. Nagpapakatanga ba talaga ako? He was taking his clothes off one by one. My eyes grew wide I thought it might pop out. Now, he was clad with his Levi's... Ganon kabilis. My
God. Napalunok ako. My hands were trembling violently. The corner of his lips twitched lazily, as if mocking me. Hindi niya 'ko maririnig na magmakaawa. No... that would stomp my damned pride. Tatakbo ako mula sa gilid ng hapitin niya ang bewang ko. I screeched and clawed his face. I saw red. Julian's face darkened. Parang naiiyak na 'ko. Inihiga niya 'ko sa kama. "Are you going to rape me?" I whispered angrily. "Do I need consent in raping my wife, darling?" He said in sarcasm. Pilit kong iniaatras ang katawan ko papuntang headboard. Pero dinaganan niya 'ko. His whole body was covering mine. I gasped. Realization hit me all at once. Julian was dead serious. My heart was thundering. "Julian... don't do this." Pakiusap ko. "Well, I'm already doing this." Galit na tinitigan niya 'ko. His face was so close I could smell his breathing. The rise and fall of my chest rubbed against his. And... goodness, it felt wrong and delicious. No! O, tukso layuan mo ako! "Julian... no-" My eyes grew wide. Sa likod ng isip ko nakikita ko sila ni Tricia. Magkayakap. Umiiyak ang huli. Na para bang ako ang may kasalanan ng lahat. Ako. Overwhelming anger and desolation. I pushed him hard on the chest. He didn't quite budge. Tumaas lang ang kilay niya. Then he kissed me. SAVAGELY. His hand clutched the side of my neck. I tried hard to close my mouth from his invasion. Pilit kong iniiwas ang mukha ko. Then his lips landed on the side of my neck. My God, parang biglang nag-init ang buong paligid. Surely, we weren't in purgatory. We were still in Korea. But the devil was kissing me. "Open up for me Jeannie..." His voice was hoarse. "No-" Yes... no... then he was claiming what he shouldn't. He was already kissing me, openly. Roughly. Hungrily. Carnally."You love Brad? Let's see." Galit na sinabi nito. No. Not like this Julian! Then his lips trekked down my neck. Pilit akong nagpupumiglas mula sa hawak niya. We were in a war. War of emotions. War of heat. Na para bang magkakaroon ng World War III. Itinulak ko siya ng malakas. "I love Brad... I love Brad..." I shouted at him, then tears one by one pooled down my eyes. Sa pagkabigla ko-
"Oh my God!" I cried out. He roughly tore my blouse off me. The buttons popped. Nagsabog ang buhok ko sa kama at sa mukha ko. Nanghihina na 'ko. It was like I couldn't do anything anymore. Then he looked down at me... at my bare shoulders and flimsy black underthings. His eyes were blazing... Then he fisted my hair up that tilted my face in the air. "You're mine."
I opened my mouth to protest. No one owns me... He claimed my mouth not too gently. And I tasted blood there. But it only ignited something more... more that I wanted. Something I felt strongly, yet I couldn't name. Then his hands were there... touching me. Touching my stomach. I closed my eyes tightly. Marahan niyang hinimas ang tyan ko. Without clothes on now. Then he kissed me there. I started crying. I was half-naked. In bed with a man who thought I was someone else. And I couldn't help falling for him. Ganoon ba 'ko kababaw? Sinisigawan niya 'ko lagi. Wala na siyang ginawa kundi saktan ako. I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I did. I hate him. And now... I love him. "Julian?" "Julian?" We both turned at the frantic sound at the door. "Julian! Angko's rushed to the hospital. He's dying!"
We went to the hospital as soon as we put our clothes on. Tahimik lang si Julian. He was tense. Sabi nila, heart attack. Fatal. Tapos hinawakan niya 'yung kamay ko. He was trying to hide the pain. Nakita ko si Tricia na nakatingin sa 'min habang nasa labas ng ICU. Gusto kong sabihing 'family matter 'to, wala kang karapatan dito'. She was just a family friend. JUST. Uncle Jin's mouth was slacked. Umiiyak na ang mga pinsan nitong babae. "He wanted to see Mr. Julian Sunico... and his wife." Napatingin kami sa doctor. Why me? "Angko..." Julian and him spoke quietly in Korean language. Parang gusto kong yakapin si Julian. I saw the bitterness written all over his face. He was now the heir. The soon-to-be patriarch of Sunicos. And I bet he hated the responsibility. Hindi niya kailangang magsalita para marinig ko 'yun. "Sanjo... come here." "Ho?" Julian pushed me. Then he went out of the door. Para akong masosuffocate sa loob ng hospital suite. Ang mukha ng lolo ni Julian. 'Yung parang tinatawag na ni San Pedro. And I felt a little sympathy for this old man
even though I had met him a few hours ago. "Angko..." He smiled sadly. His wrinkled chinky eyes seemed tired. "Promise me..." His voice was hoarse. "Ho?" Para na akong parrot na paulit ulit. Natatakot ako. "Please make my sanjo happy... h-he... h-he had the full responsibility now." I nodded. "I heard you are good at painting. I wished you could paint the whole family. With me." My eyes grew wide. I shook my head. Jeannie could paint. Pero... ako si... ako si... Jean. "I know... I know..." He chuckled hoarsely. "I'm old... but I'm not stupid." Umiyak na 'ko. Ang galing naman ng radar ng lolo ni Julian."I'm sorry." Ayokong ako pa ang maging dahilan ng pagkamatay ni Angko. Hindi man ako inborn na mabait. At least, hindi naman ako ganon kasama. Kay Tricia lang. Hmm... He took my hand. "Promise me, whatever happens take care of Julian. He needs you." I wanted to tell him, Julian never needed me. "Promise." "Promise me, you'll never hurt him." Gusto kong sabihing ako? Ako pa ang mananakit kay Julian? Apo niya nga talaga ito. I took an oath on the deathbed of an old man. "Promise." Then his hand went limp. He's dead. NINE Julian was withdrawn the whole burial service. The Old patriarch of Sunicos were now gone. Cremated. Gusto ko siyang lapitan. Yakapin. I-comfort. But he gave me that look that said 'back off'. After the third day, we, meaning almost all of the Sunicos, went back to the Philippines. With Tricia. I couldn't help being left out. At isa pa, nasasaktan din ako. Natatakot akong baka hindi ko matupad ang promise ko kay Angko. Syempre, naniniwala akong bumabalik ang mga kaluluwa kung may unfinished business. Eh, pano kung balikan ako ni Angko? Diyos ko, 'wag naman sana. We were out of the embassy when we saw Julian's father. "Jin, why didn't you tell me?" He gritted his teeth. Parang gusto kong
maawa dito. "It's over." "What is over Jin? You tell me! You know it would never be over unless..." Galit na sigaw nito at tumingin kay Julian. I was kinda shocked. Julian's father was red about the face. Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao sa paligid. Nakita ko ang biglang pagmutla ni Uncle Jin. "Will you get out of here? You're not a Sunico!" Julian hissed silently. Tahimik lang siya these past few days. What if... what if Julian turned to his father in anger? Oh, no. Alam ko kung pano magalit ang leon. "Julian!" Celine said authoritatively. Aunt Risan looked worried. What the hellAng hirap pumagitna sa mga nag-uumpugang bato. "You didn't even call me Risan? Me? Your own brother when dad died? I have every right!" Galit na nagwawala na ngayon ang daddy ni Julian. Uncle Jin tried to pacify him. Before we knew it. It was too swift. Too fast. Julian moved forward. Para kaming nasa slow motion scene habang nakita namin kung pano tumaas ang kamao ni Julian sa mukha ni Mr. Sunico. I took a step back in horror. Para akong naestatwa. Then there were papparazzis. Where the hell had they come from? Tricia hugged him from behind. She was crying now. Ako? I felt alien. Like I was an altogether different person. Hindi ko siya ma-take. Hindi. "This is all your fault! You ruined mom's life! My life! And gave me the responsibility I never wanted in the first place. Where's your sense of honor dad? Sana hindi na lang kita naging tatay!"Julian was making guttural sounds. Painful. "Don't point your finger at me Julian. That lying SOB you call UNCLE?" "Julian please... stop it. Don't cause any more scandal than we have now... Please Uncle John..." Even Celine was crying. Dumating ang mga bodyguards ni Uncle Jin. There was more to this... than... I couldn't put a finger on. Iyak ng iyak si Tantan ng magising. Julian was remote. Tricia was with him. She understood him about his family. Anong panama ko kay Tricia? She knew a lot. Everything. Ako?...wala. When I turned eighteen, I felt exhilarated. Why? Kasi feeling ko malaya na 'ko mula sa manipulasyon ng parents ko. Independent. Wala ng curfew. Wala ng dialogue na 'bata ka pa'. At lalong hindi ko na kailangang magsinungaling na may project para lang payagang gumala, mag-boyfriend at uminom. LEGAL. Pwede ng makulong. But you know what? I still wanted to reach out to Julian. I know, hindi ako naging mabuting anak. And I never wanted to run for an 'ulirang anak' awardee. Pero... ang magulang ay magulang. They have reasons, you know. However unreasonable it may be.
"We'll have a press conference later." Aunt Risan phoned someone. Nasa kabilang sasakyan si Uncle Jin kasama sina Celine at Tantan. Julian closed his eyes. I saw Tricia squeezed his hand. Talo ako. I gave up Julian. I gave up. Ayoko na. I'd tell him later about everything. Pero paano ang pangako mo kay Angko Jeannie?Hindi ko na kaya. Ilang beses ko na bang sinabi: Wala akong balak sundan ang yapak ni Rizal. What do you think will Julian feel? Another blow? Dammit. Ano naman... nandyan naman si Tricia! He would feel betrayed. I bit my lower lip. I remembered telling Jean this: "Jean... 'wag mong i-save ang mundo. Hindi ka si wonderwoman." Pero anong ginagawa ko? Gusto kong protektahan si Julian. Because he needed it though he wasn't asking it. Sabi nila, women have a nurturing nature, and men will always be boys at heart. Susuko na ba talaga ako?
My hands were cold. Nagpapawis. My phone vibrated. "Hello?" "Wow, artista ka na." I gritted my teeth. "CM." At ang hitad tumawa pa. "I saw the headlines. Muy, gwapo pala ni Julian Sunico I wouldn't wonder why Tricia chose him over me. At lalong hindi ako magtataka kung bakit siya pinikot ng kapatid mo. In fairness ha, totoo naman palang sinabi nila. Mas matalino sa 'yo kapatid mo." I rolled my eyes. "Excuse me lang Carlo Miguel Jr., sa pagkakatanda ko never kang pinagnasaan ni Tricia back in New York. Mapagpanggap ka." Then I sighed. "CM... I would tell him the truth. Tonight." "What! Think it over Jeannie. Sa tingin mo, this is the right time to do that?" "I... I don't know." Inayos ko ang gown ko sa harap ng salamin. I chose black. Tamang tama para sa okasyon. I was mourning my heart out. May kumatok. "CM... I'll talk to you later." "Magpabuntis ka na lang kaya kay 'papa' Brad?"
I cut the line off. Wala talagang mabuting idulot si CM.
Tricia smiled at me. She looked pretty and sophisticated in her pink dress. "Hi..." Oh, God. I know... I'm committing two of the seven deadly sins. Wrath and envy. At hinihiling kong sana'y hindi ko na makita ever si Tricia. Pero tao lang po ako. "Tricia... ayokong makipagplastikan. I don't feel... good around you." Ayan. Breathe out. Tutal huling gabi ko na ito. Bakit hindi ko pa sabihin lahat? She smiled at me. "It's alright. Hindi rin naman kita gusto. Not... personally. But because... you took Julian from me. I know it's you Jeannie." Parang nanlamig ang buong pagkatao ko. Alam ba ng lahat? "You knew?" She nodded. "Patatawarin kita sa ginawa mo. Sa ginawa niyong magkapatid." I wanted to spit fire at her. "Do... you... know where my sister is?" She shrugged. "Malay ko, kapatid mo 'yun." Oo nga naman. Ako nga, hindi ko alam. Pasimpleng inirapan ko siya mula sa salamin. "Please... take care of Julian. I'm not a hypocrite Jeannie, you know me. And I promise you..." My jaw dropped. "Oh,"
"If you don't. I'll take Julian away from you." Parang namanhid 'yung buong katawan ko. Tumalikod na siya."You don't have to wor-" Julian was leaning gorgeously against the doorframe, his tux on one hand. The other hand on his pocket. Tricia cupped Julian's cheek! Kitang kita ko 'yun mula sa salamin. Parang gustong lumabas ng puso ko. Kasabay ng paglabas nito ng pinto. Like hell, Tricia was challenging me. And in that moment, my eyes squinted. I realized one thing: Hindi ko kayang i-give up si Julian! "Dinner time." And his voice... like hell, he was inviting me to taste the forbidden apple. I swallowed. Ano ba Jeannie! Magtino ka nga... Para kang naka-drugs. Ito ba ang kaya mong i-give up? Akala ko ba si Eba ang dahilan kung bakit nagkasala ang buong daigdig, parang hindi naman. "I'd... rather eat you for dinner." A slow grin played about the corner of his lips. Lumapit ito. Tapos nanlaki 'yung mga mata ko. Oh, no! I hadn't said my thoughts aloud again, had I? Jean always told me how transparent I am. Kaya nga nagtataka ako kung bakit magaling din akong magsinungaling. Then I remembered what happened. Three days ago.
"You're blushing." I shrugged. "Kumain na tayo. Gutom na 'ko." "Jeannie I..." I shrugged and went forward. One step. Two steps. Three. I tiptoed and wrapped my arms around his neck. My God, I saw him tensed. He was a bit taken aback. "I want this marriage to work. I... I've always been alone. I want to have a big family. You, me and our baby." "If you don't. I'll take Julian away from you." Parang naririnig ko pa 'yun. Parang sirang plaka. I closed my eyes and kissed him. Touching my closed lips light against his. Just a peck. Nothing more. His hands automatically wrapped around my waist. "Jeannie..." He groaned. "Later..." His eyes burned promise. I'd tell him tonight. "Julian! For Christ's sake! The reporters are already here. Thirty minutes. Ikaw Jean... mag-prepare ka na."Uncle Jin said from out of nowhere. I blushed. Julian let go of my hand. A fresh start. I sucked in my breath. Wala akong dapat ikahiya. Maganda naman ako. Thirty minutes later. I was out looking for Julian. Lumabas na ako at pumunta sa conference room. Lumiko ako sa kabilang room. It was deserted. Nagulat ako ng biglang may yumakap sa'kin-from behind. "Julian?" I smiled and turned around to see-
"Brad?!" "You called me last night. Bakit hindi ka dumating?" Ano?! Ano bang pinagsasabi nito? Was he into drugs also? Dahil sa kagandahan ko? Ang lupit talaga ng kamandag ko. Tsk. Pilit kong inaalis ang mga kamay ni Brad sa bewang ko. Then I tried to smile at him. This was one big hell of a joke. Joke lang ni Brad. Lumingon ako. I couldn't risk being seen with him. "Brad. That's a mistake. I'm with Julian last night and-" "I was wrong Jean! Once... run away with me. I love you." He clutched at me frantically. My eyes grew wide. Dahil sa pagkaparalyze ko hindi ako makapag-react. Had Jean called him last night? "No- Brad... listen I'm not Jean Rose. I'm-"
He was already kissing me! My head spin. My heart stopped. Feeling ko masusuka ako. Then the door opened. Someone gasped.
I swore my life was doomed as Julian stared coldly at me. I stood there motionless. His eyes, his deadly glance, by the end of the day I wouldn't wonder if I would be six feet underground... he was going to kill me. Then he walked away. Para akong pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. I would understand if he showed anger. Mas kaya ko pang i-handle ang galit na Julian. Tricia were regarding me with an accusing stare. Wala siyang alam! "No!" I whispered. Tumakbo ako palabas. Kay Julian. I clutched at his arm. "Julian listen to me!" I pleaded. Tapos may humawak ulit sa braso ko. Si Brad. Flashes of camera. The paparazzi. Oh my God, I caused another scandal. "Julian..." "She loves me Julian. Set us free." No! Bakit hindi ako makasigaw? Julian turned to me. Hindi ko na natapos kung ano man ang sasabihin ko. O dapat pang sabihin. What I saw in his face tore my heart into pieces. PAIN. At natakot ako... kasi, I failed. I failed Angko. I failed Tricia. And I hurt Julian. Siguro hindi niyo ko maiintindihan. Unless... you fell in love like this. Unless you knew what love really meant. Even though you couldn't define it. "Jeannie, I'm sorry." I saw something... luha? No. The Great JULIAN SUNICO wouldn't cry over a woman. NO... over me."I'm setting you free." Then he turned his back on me. No... It hurt as I stared coldly at his back. Ako ang dapat na sumusuko, hindi ba? Hindi siya. Hindi si Julian. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK ARE YOU DOING?!" Tricia half-screamed half-whispered. The reporters were forgotten. Yes, Jean what the hell do you think are you doing to me? TEN I knocked on the door. Once. Twice. No response. I wasn't knocking now. Okay, I'd use the word banging now. Since, iba ang pakahulugan sa 'kin non dati. Bwisit na binabalibag ko na ang pinto. "Julian open this damned door!" "Ma'am..." "What!" I tried to calm my nerves. Hindi niya kasalanan. Hindi dapat mandamay ng inosenteng nilalang. "Eh, ma'am sabi po ni sir, 'wag daw po siyang gambalain." Nawala na ang overdramatic mood ko kanina. Tricia yelled at me earlier in the hotel suite and took me out of my reverie. "Are you just going to stand there like an idiot? You're not even going to defend yourself? What? Iiyak ka at sasabihin mong ikaw ang biktima?" For the second time, my jaw almost dropped. For the win pala itong si Tricia! Naiiyak na sana
ako nun eh. Pwede pala kaming friends. Posible pala. I thought... it was in the movies or telenovelas. 'Yung pag-aagawan naming 'yung bidang lalaki. "'Wag gambalain? Bakit ano bang himala ang ginagawa niya sa loob?" Gigil kong sabi. The door was locked. Bakit ko ba naisipang mag-give up? I never had that in my vocabulary. Ako si Jeannie Rose Leviste. Sabi ni mommy, ang lola ng lola ko ang pamangkin ng anak ni Gabriela Silang. Ah ewan. "Julian!" I gritted my teeth in anger. May pills kaya itong dala sa loob? Wire? Rope? Knife? Grabe naman. Hindi pa naman ako ganon kamahal ni Julian para gawin niya 'yun 'di ba? "Ma'am kasi po... baka sa 'kin magalit si sir kung..." "Magalit sir mo? Sino bang kaharap mo? Hindi ba dapat mas mauna kang matakot sa 'kin?" I took the keys in her shaking hands. And opened the damned door. Kapag bukas ko ng pinto madilim. I turned on the lights and saw Julian's back. He was sitting on his swivel chair. Nakataas ang paa nito sa drawer. Parang biglang nawala ang lakas ng loob ko. Nalunok ko pa ata ang nanunuyot kong laway. "Julian..."Nakita ko ang nagsabog na mga beer bottles. Ahm, mahalaga pala ako sa kanya. Hindi ba dapat nagse-celebrate siya at hindi nagpapakalasing? Eh, bakit Jeannie... may kasama namang alak kapag nagse-celebrate 'di ba? Hell. Whatever. "Julian..." "What! Pack your things and get out of my house!" He whispered angrily. Hindi ito lumilingon. "I'm not talking to your back." "Julian listen to me... I want to come clean." Bulong ko. He started laughing demonically. Na para bang bago pa sa 'kin 'yun. "I want an annulment." Parang nag-init ang punong tenga ko. Bingi ba ito? "Ayoko." He swung the swivel chair roughly. My eyes grew wide. His neck tie was scattered on the desk. Ang mga butones ng polo shirt nito ay nagkandakalas. I gulped... Couldn't I just look up and not on his chest. My... I sighed silently. That chest would have been illegal to cover! "Payag na 'ko." His eyes glinted. At galit na tumayo ito. "See?" He laughed out mockingly. Hoarse. Dry. Tapos lumapit siya sa 'kin. He always did that... that menacing steps. The first time, here in the library. Second time, three days ago. He was trying to intimidate me. I should have known. "You wanted out of this marriage because of that SOB. I'm right. Papayag ka din sa annulment." His teeth gritted. Naglalabasan na ang ugat nito sa leeg. I blinked thrice. Hindi. Hindi ako magpapatakot sa damuho nato.
"Payag na 'ko." Sabi ko. Then I took his hand and put it on my- I swallowed first. Oh lord, give me strength. Alam ko kasalanan 'tong gagawin ko.
I put it on my... "Payag na 'ko. Payag na 'kong magpa-rape sa 'yo Julian. With consent na."
bosom. Ayan. Dalagang Pilipina ako no. Bosom is for inbred ladies. Nabasa ko 'yan before. I swore Julian's eyes grew wide. The tic on his adam's apple moved. Oh, eh 'di tinablan ka ngayon! I wanted to shout victory. Nataob ko ang bataan. Then his err... erring hand cupped my hmm. There. "What the hell do you think are you doing?" We were both amazed. Ang mga singkit niyang mata lumaki at bumilog. Nababaliw na ata talaga ako. 'Di ba 'yun din ang tanong sa 'kin ni Tricia kanina? And all the while he didn't even take his hand off me! "Naintin... dihan mo naman 'yung meaning ng rape 'di ba? Pumapayag na 'ko." I whispered and swallowed sharply. Why wasn't he doing a thing? We were just standing there... him touching me. It was a little bit... awkward and delicious? I moaned inwardly. Oh... I moaned only because lust is a deadly sin not because... because... May mabubuo bang baby kung nakaganito lang kami? Nakakahiya na nga 'yung sitwasyon ko. Mas nakakahiya naman kung ako pang humigit sa kanya sa kama 'di ba? Oh, no. I was that desperate, was I? His eyes squinted anew. His brow arched. I felt him moved... a little. My eyes grew wide. "Ju-lian." Bad 'yan ha. Gusto ko sanang sabihin 'yun. Then his hand moved... not down but up. Up to my neck. Lumaki ang mga mata ko. He caressed my neck gently. And then his big hand gripped me. "Bakit mo ipagpipilitan ang sarili mo sa 'kin kung nandyan naman si Brad?" Parang biglang bumalik ang animosity nito. "Youfvcking love him, didn't you? Wouldn't you scream his name if we were going to-" "To make love?" I supplied nervously. I swallowed against his deathly grip. Tumawa ito na parang nang-aasar. "Screw, darling... making love is only women's term. If we're going to do it, we'll only be screwing." I winced at the brutal words. Men are men. I hated to admit it; they were born with long and sharp tongues. At hindi napagi-iwanan si Julian! Did he think his words would hurt me? Kilala ko na siya. The more he was hurt, the more he lashed back. "Rape nga 'di ba..." Inis kong sabi. I wouldn't be bothered by his cruel words. He was pushing me away. I could see that. "And take note: with consent." I pouted. Tinitigan niya 'ko ng masama. I bet he was wondering what on earth was
happening to me. Hindi ako nagagalit. Hindi ako nagtatatalak sa kanya. Biglang tumaas 'yung sulok ng bibig nito. Ang hininga niya, amoy tsiko na. "Do you know what... I want to wring your lovely neck right now. If I kill you... there would be justice." "You wouldn't do that." I whispered cheerfully. "Paano mo 'ko papakinabangan ang napakaseksi kong katawan kung patay na 'ko?" He sighed. "So... how are we going to do it? Sa desk? Sa couch? Sa ibabaw ng counter?" What he was doing... was scaring me off. "Julian... you can't run away from me." I whispered. "Seven months." Tinanggal nito ang kamay sa leeg ko. Itinaas niya ang baba ko. "We'll have an annulment after you give birth. And you can marry your SOB of a lover." Parang gusto kong manghina. Ang tanong... paano ko manganganak? "Paano kung hindi ako pumayag?" He shrugged and took to his drinking again. "And one more thing Julian." I turned around before opening the door. "Bakit kita hihiwalayan eh, mas mayaman ka kay Brad?" I smiled b!tchily at him. Akala lang nila si Jean ang matalino no, ako din kaya. At isinara ko ang pinto. Then I heard a loud crash. Must have been the china vase that caused millions. Marami naman siyang pambili eh, it didn't matter.
Morning. God, thank you for stopping Julian from killing me last night. Hindi ko alam kung bakit energetic ako at masaya. It was like... I could take on the world. Baliw na kaya ako? Kapag baba ko ay nakita kong nagbebreakfast na sa lanai si Julian. With her mom. Our mommy now. "Good morning Philippines! Good morning World! Good morning mommy!" I kissed Mrs. Sunico on the cheek. Tawa ng tawa sa 'kin mommy ni Julian. At siya? He didn't even give me a glance. "Mukang masarap ang tulog mo hija... Too bad... I hadn't... seen Julian's grandfather." "Oo nga po, mommy." Ano pa bang dapat sabihin? Julian became withdrawn again. Parang outsider din ang mommy ni Julian sa family Sunico. Kailangan kong malaman ang deepest and darkest secret nila... malay mo, para may maipam-blackmail ako kay Julian. I secretively smiled. "Anong nginingiti-ngiti mo dyan?" Ano bang problema nito? Panira ng araw. Napaka-contagious ng aura nito.
Negative vibes. Para tuloy may nagsasabi sa 'king may hindi mangyayaring maganda. "May batas na ba dito sa bahay ang bawal ngumiti Jules?" I saw his teeth gritted. "What is it hija?" She smiled at Julian. "Inaalagaan mo bang maigi itong si Jean?" He snorted. Tapos tinitigan niya 'ko. Minsan naiisip ko, may psychic ability kami nitong si Julian. O isa lang talaga lagi 'yung expression niya. 'Shut up Jeannie'. "Yes. Mommy-" "Ma'am, sir... may bisita po kayo." Nagkatinginan kami ni Julian. He wiped his mouth with a napkin. Then from the doorway came"Oh my God." "Balae?" Napalunok ako. Okay, given, so my mommy's here. But what the hell was CM doing in here? Sabi ko na nga bad vibes. Dapat talaga naglagay ako ng banga sa harap ng pintuan para hindi nakakapasok ang masasamang espiritu sa bahay nila Julian. "CM? Mommy?" Marahan akong tumayo at ngumiti sa kanila. Ganon din si Julian. Julian kissed my mom's cheek. "Good morning mommy." He said very politely. Tapos tinitigan niya si CM mula ulo hanggang paa. "Ah... Julian... si CM." "She's Jeannie's bestfriend." My mommy smiled. Tapos umupo na kaming lahat. "Your bestfriend?" Lumingon sa 'kin si Julian. "Ahm..." "Yeah." CM smiled at me. Ay grabe, kitang-kita ang pagkabuhay ng katawang lupa ni CM sa mga mata niya. He eyed Julian like my husband was the meal. "We're bestfriends. Actually may mga gay friends din kami sa New-Ahurm, I'm glad to finally meet you..." CM extended his hand toward Julian. Ang mga mata ni Julian... parang lobo. Suspicious. "I'm not very particular with gays." Biglang binawi ni CM kamay niya at tumuwid ng tayo. Ang boses. Barakong barako. "Balae, halika na't mag-breakfast na tayo." Later everybody was well and good. Usap. Tsismis. Weather forecast. Politics. And fashion... Lahat nag-uusap save Julian. "May ipapatayo nga pala akong business hija," I smiled at Julian's mom. "Oh?"
"Naalala ko... tutal tapos ka naman ng business administration, so why don't you take on the job?" "Oo, uno ang anak ko sa mga accounting subjects niya 'di ba Jean-nie?" Bigla akong nahirinan. Oo, uno ako. Uno sa kalokohan. CM's eyes grew wide. My mom bit her lower lip. Julian raised one brow at me. Ni hindi man lang hinimas 'yung likod ko! "Ahm... talaga po? Maganda 'yan." Jean Rose finished commerce. Anong gagawin ko? Wala akong alam! "Ano ano nga pala ang mga pinaglilihian mo hija?" "Parang hindi naman siya naglilihi." Julian butted in. Tumabi sa 'kin si CM. Tapos bigla akong humawak sa tyan ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko. God, sorry."Ahhh... errr... Masusuka ata ako." Then I made mewling sounds like I was going to throw up. Napatayo silang tatlo. Hinimas ni mommy ang likod ko. "CM ano ba 'yang pabango mo ang baho!" Itinulak ko si CM. He snorted at me. Tila ayaw pang makisama! "Ganyan din ako ng nagbubuntis ako kay Julian hija..." I smiled secretively. "Ah, Jeannie, Julian. I forgot to give my gift. Here, I know you'll surely love it. Makakatulong 'yan... in future references." Inabot niya sa 'kin ang isang maliit na paper bag. Julian was still scrutinizing me. Hindi ko gusto 'yung tingin niya sa 'kin. Na para bang... ewan ko. "Really?" One brow arched. I opened the paper bag. Then I gasped softly. Tinitigan ko siya.How dare you CM! "What is it?" My mom asked. "A box of chocolates." Parang nanigas ang panga ko sa pag-smile. "Really, hija? What kind of chocolate?" "A... box of chocolates." I smiled too sweetly. "Let me see," Julian tugged my hand. Ayokong bitawan ang paper bag. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. Tumaas ang kilay nito. It was like a tug o' war between us. Tapos sumabog ang laman niyon sa lamesa. Sa harap mismo ng hotdogs and eggs.
Feeling ko... lulubog ako sa kahihiyan.
In front of me was a box of chocolate-flavored... c-o-n-d-o-m-s! ELEVEN My hands trembled. "Sh!t." It was now or never. Pwede bang orna lang?
Akala ko ba may mga choices sa mundo bakit ako lang ata ang pinagkaitan ni God? Gusto kong maglumpasay at magngangawa ng 'mommy!'. Pero hindi eh, how could I? Kung mommy ko pa mismo ang nagtutulak sa 'king gawin ito. Two vials. Bottle A. Bottle B. Plan A and B. "What the hell? Mom... what's this?" "Pills." "Alam ko." I hissed. What do I need pills for? "Anak... there's no other way." My mom brushed an invisible tear on her left cheek. Magtataka pa ba ako kung saan ako nagmana? Magaling ding umarte 'tong mommy ko eh. Kung hindi ko pa alam. "Ito... give this to him one hour before you go to bed." My eyes grew wide. "This is... this is..."
Grabe, violation of human rights ang ginagawa ko sa sarili ko! Pwede kong kasuhan ang mga magulang ko. She's giving me a dose of... ahm, Viagra? As if Julian needed it! Hindi naman ako magtataka sa kakayahan ni Julian kaya lang... kaya lang... patutulugin ko muna siya? Hello? How the hell would I do that? Gumagana ba 'yung ano kung tulog ang lalaki? Parang pikot na rin 'yun no. Okay lang sana kung hihiga ako, magtatanggal ng damit, magkukunwaring tulog sa tabi niya. Hindi ba ganon ang pikot? Either that... or ecstacy pills! NOT ADVISABLE. My God. Me? Jeannette Rose Leviste? Pumunta ako sa CR at naghilamos ng mukha, malay ko ba baka sakaling pagtingin ko sa salamin iba na pala pagkatao ko. Ako na pala si Angel Locsin. Lobo na pala ako at si Julian ang ihahapunan ko. Mayamaya lang I felt something pierced within my tummy. Goodness, karma na ba ito? "Jeannie?" Biglang bumukas 'yung pinto. I gritted my teeth. Ni hindi man lang marunong kumatok. Pano kung napasukan niya 'kong nagyu-urinate? Or worst... nagbabawas ng sama ng loob? "Oh?" Gigil kong sabi. "Get dressed. May pupuntahan tayo." "Ha?" Anak ka ng magaling-ang plano ni mommy! Breathe in. Breathe out. Lalong sumasakit. Napakapit ako sa sink. "Ikaw na lang. Masama pakiramdam ko." I winced in pain again. Dammit. Tinitigan niya 'ko. Masakit talaga sa may bandang puson. Then I reached out to him. Para alalayan ako. Tapos... bigla akong tinalikuran! Wow. He was so caring and very sweet! Gusto ko siyang ipapapak sa mga langgam. "Magbihis ka na. Don't pull that act on me Jeannie. It won't work this time." And he slammed the door to my face. Right at this moment I was wishing he could fall into a ditch. O kaya magbula bigla ang bibig niya.
One hour later. "Ano bang ginawa ko para parusahan ako ng Diyos Julian?" Naging mabuting tao naman ako. Pinipilit ko namang sundin ang sampung utos ni God. Una lagi si papa God sa listahanko kasunod lang si Julian na akala ata siya ang Diyos.Respetuhin mo ang iyong ama at ina, see? Obedient pa nga ako 'di ba? Akalain mong gawin ko ang utos ni mommy na lagyan ng ecstacy pills ang inumin ni Julian. Huwag papatay.Oh, 'di ba? Ilang beses ko lang pinagpaplanuhang patayin si Julian sa isip ko. Pero sa isip lang 'yun! Huwag kang magnakaw. Clean. Naiiyak na pinunasan ko ang mga mata ko. Para akong bata. Grabe ang sakit-sakit talaga ng puson ko. "Hindi ba Julian? Mabait naman ako... bakit ako nagkakaganito?" Ngawa ako ng ngawa. He glanced at me boringly then shrugged. Shrugged! My God... he was so inconsiderate. Naglalawa na ang ilong ko kakasinghot. Sa sobrang inis ko yumakap ako kay Julian. "Jeannie! What the-" I blew out on his polo shirt. "Jeannie!" He gritted his teeth in horror. Tinignan niya 'ko na para bang nababaliw na 'ko. Tapos tinignan niya 'yung basang parte ng polo niya. "Thank you." I smiled at him sweetly. "Okay na 'ko, salamat sa singahan. In fairness, mabango." Tinuro ko 'yung dibdib niya. Tapos parang namimilipit na naman ulit sa sakit. Tears were starting to form again. "Ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?" "Bakit ka ba sumisigaw?" My eyes watered. "Hindi ako sumisigaw. Bakit ka ba kasi iyak ng iyak?" Napanguso ako. Kung hindi pa sigaw na tawag 'yun eh ano? So bulong pa 'yun ganon? Huwag kang makikiapid sa hindi mo asawa. Parang gusto ko ng magpalahaw ng iyak. Ito ba ang dahilan? Napasigok ako. Wala pa namang nangyayari sa 'min ni Julian. Wala pa. Ang aga namang punishment nito. Hindi pa ako tapos sa drama ko... I bit my lower lip. "Can you please keep quiet?" Lalong lumakas 'yung hikbi ko.
Huwag kang magbibintang at huwag kang magsisinungaling. Alam niyo naman po 'yung white lies 'di ba God?
Huwag kang magnanasa sa hindi mo pag-aari. Ahm... no comment ako dyan. Eh 'di sana hindi mo sa 'kin binigay si Julian! Ikaw din papa God ang may kasalanan.
Huwag kang magnanasa sa hindi mo asawa. Ano ba... Hindi ko naman pinagnanasaan si Julian ah. Iba ang admiration sa lust. Period.
"Julian..." "Ano?" Inis na lumingon siya sa 'kin. Nakita kong nakapagpalit na siya ng damit. Bakit hindi ko man lang nakita? Tsk. Ano ba 'yan... Ang bilis naman! Kung ano ano kasi iniisip ko. "Pinagnanasaan mo ba 'ko?" He was astonished at first. I could see that. "No." "Liars go to hell." I pouted prettily. Hinimas-himas ko 'yung puson ko. Does this mean... I'm going to hell also? I groaned inwardly. "Mauuna ka sa 'kin." I smirked and peered at the scenery outside. Wala naman masyado. Malls. Establisments. My eyes grew wide. Naramdaman kong may humihimas ng tyan ko. Nagiging habit na ata niya 'yun ah. So sinamantala ko na, I put his hand on the spot just below my- ('wag kulay berde) tummy. Sa puson. "Ano ba kasing masakit?" Gusto kong mapaantanda. Julian's voice became tender. Sumandal ako sa upuan at hinimas niya 'yung parte kung saan ko nilagay 'yung kamay niya. Weird, but his touch lessened the pain. Ang hirap maging babae. Grabe."Mom told me that there would be times like this... you getting emotional on me." He sighed. "Back-aches, mood swings..." I snorted. "Mood swings? Mero-Buntis ka rin?" Inirapan ko siya. Muntik na 'ko dun. Tapos bigla siyang tumawa. Oh, my God. Are you sure this one was Julian? He was laughing cheerfully. Not one of those 'demon laughs' of his. The lines around his chinky eyes became soft. Parang bumata siya ng isang taon. Isa lang... bata pa naman talaga siya. Hindi ko napansin na nakatulog na pala ako. Naramdaman ko na lang na may yumuyugyog sa balikat ko. I wanted to sleep and never wake up. Someone pinched my nose. "Ano ba!" I hated it. Parang tumataas ang altapresyon ko. "Jeannie, we're here!" My teeth clenched. Pabalibag na tinanggal ko ang kamay niya sa balikat ko kahit disoriented pa 'ko. I didn't care when he stared at me in confusion. NAIA? Oh, no please don't tell me we were going away again? "Where on earth would you drag me now? After Angko-"Parang gusto kong kainin ang dila ko. There was so much pain written in Julian's face. Of course, he didn't and wouldn't show it ever. But I saw through his façade. Men never wanted to be termed weak and emotional. Gusto nila sila ang hari. Mga walang puso. "Let's go."
Naghihikab na sumunod lang ako sa kanya. "Tricia?" Promise, biglang nawala 'yung antok ko. Naghahyperventilate pa 'yung hormones ko. She smiled at me. Tumaas ang kilay ko. Hindi ko pa naman sinasabing super okay na kami ah. Assuming! I rolled my eyes. Masama talaga epekto sa 'kin 'pag-FOOL moon. "I thought you're not coming." Nakapamulsa si Julian. Awkward. "Of course not." He cleared his throat. "Honey... I..." "Ahem!" Lumingon sila sa 'kin. Tumango lang ako as if saying 'go on'. "Tricia... I'm sorry." He whispered. "Honey..." "AHEM!" Julian glared at me. I looked at my nails innocently. "Kasi naman may pangalan naman 'yung tao." I swore I heard Tricia giggled. Tapos lumapit siya sa 'kin. Nagulat ako when she hugged me. Niyakap niya 'ko! Tumaas 'yung kilay ko dun. "Take good care of him. Sometimes... he thought he knows what he's doing. We're just one of those cases of childhood Korean sweethearts. In short, walang choice." "Talaga?" "Oo naman. Our families expected us to marry since we were kids. How absurd no..." I nodded. Too happy. "Friends?" "Yeah. Friends! When you come back to New York, do tell me. Sana... ma-solve mo na 'yan." Suminghot ulit ako. Julian looked at me in horror. Ano namang akala niya gagawin ko 'yung ginawa ko sa kanya kay Tricia? I smirked. Lumapit ulit si Tricia kay Julian. Nagyakap sila. Wala na namang problema sa 'kin 'yun eh. She smiled at me. "Okay lang? A token of farewell." "Ha?" Before I knew it. She kissed Julian on the mouth! Just a peck. But a kiss is a kiss! Then she started giggling as she took her bags with her. The nerve! Akala ko ba friends na kami? Julian waved at her. I was really rooted on the ground. "O, ano pang tinatayo tayo mo diyan? Uwi na tayo." Ang kapal! I tried to calm my nerves. Humarap siya sa 'kin. I saw red. Argh. As in a smudge of red... lipstick on the side of his lips.
"What?" "Do you know where I can buy a doll?" His one brow arched. "What for?"
Ipapakulam kita! You and Tricia. TWELVE How would I continue with the plan if my fvcking hormones were raging on? Gusto kong magpagulong gulong sa pamimilipit sa sakit. Dysmenorrhea, layuan mo 'ko! Minsan nga naiisip ko ipatanggal ko na lang kaya 'yung uterus ko? Kaso... kawawa naman sila mommy. Hindi sila magkakaroon ng apo mula sa pinakamaganda nilang anak. Syempre second lang si Jean. Makakaangal pa ba siya eh, wala naman siya dito? I sighed. My God... I was going crazy with pain. "I wanted to die. As in NOW." Bulong ko habang sakay kami ni Julian pabalik. It was only four in the afternoon. Julian raised his brow. "Gusto mong pumunta sa heaven?" He pursed his lips teasingly. Hindi ko sinasadyang mapatingin sa labi niya. Hindi ko sinasadya! I gritted my teeth. Inirapan ko siya. "Oh, what have I done again?" He sighed impatiently. Hindi ko siya pinansin. May excuse ako para magkaganito. Meron-argh, buntis ako. Hinimas himas ko ulit 'yung puson ko. Ipinikit ko 'yung mata ko. Then I heard my phone ringing. "H-hello?" "Jeannie!" "Ano?!" "Shopping tayo." "Ayoko. Full moon." Narinig kong bumuntunghininga si CM. "Who's that?" "No one." Ingos ko sa kay Julian.
"I said..." "Sige na Jeannie... shopping na tayo." "Naintindihan mo ba ayoko ngan-" My eyes grew wide. Stupid. Bakit ba ako nagsuot ng palda? 'Yung hanggang kalahating hita ko pa. Badtrip. I saw red! "No..." Naiiyak na bulong ko. Nag-iisa na nga lang ang sanitary pad ko sa bag ko. I need to buy a nine-month package. Ugh, wait! Nine
months? Kelangan malaki na tyan ko nun. I mean... kelangan manganak na 'ko"Don't worry Jeannie. I called Dr. Lee yesterday I asked her kung pwede kang i-ceasarian." Ceasarian? As in... hiwa. Seryoso ba ito? I looked at his face. Seryoso nga! Napahawak agad ako sa stain sa bandang crotch ko. I gulped. He would submit me to the knife. "Eh... Julian," He raised one brow and read the newspaper. "T-takot ako sa... karayom. At sa... kutsilyo." "Hello Jeannie!" "I'll go shopping with you later." Nanghihinang sabi ko na ikinalingon ni Julian. After CM gave me the details where to the line went disconnected. "Who's that?" "CM." "Didn't I tell you not to talk to him again?" "Manong... punta po tayo sa S. Mall." Sumandal ulit ako. "No. We go home." "Manong bababa na po ako." "Jeannie!" He shouted authoritatively. The hell I care. His bark was always worse than his bite. "Kung sa mga ganong klase ka ng tao sasama baka kung ano ano mapulot mong kalokohan. Who on earth would give a con-contraceptives as a gift?" Nakikita kong lalong paniningkit ng mga mata nito. Pano kung sabihin ko sa kanyang nag-suggest si CM na i-french kiss ko siya. Matuwa kaya siya? "In the states it is very common!" Sigaw ko. "So? Nasa Pilipinas tayo Jeannie!" "And who on earth would kiss a friend on the lips?" He cleared his throat. Tapos umiwas ng mata na parang nahuli ko sa akto. Nahuli ko naman talaga sila ah! "We just... got used to it." "You got used to kissing a friend on the lips?" Namamangha kong sabi. "Tricia is my ex! Until you came along." "Eh, kaya nga diba? Nandun ako! I saw her kissed you. Paano kung halikan ko din si Brad? After all, he's also my ex!" "Fine. It was just a kiss." "Fine." "Don't you dare threaten me Jeannie!" Ah ganon. Sa huli ako pa rin ang sinunod ni manong at pumunta kami sa S. Mall. New establishment. It was huge and big. Same lang pala 'yun. Nagtataka lang ako... what does S stand for? "Anong gagawin natin dito?" His lips twitched at the corner. In amusement?
"Malamang magsha-shopping." Inis na bumaba ako. I heard his footsteps behind me. Tapos hinigit niya 'yung braso ko. "Bakit ka pa magsha-shopping? At ano naman ang ipang-shopping mo aber? May pera ka ba?" My mouth turned into a big O. "Anong silbi mo?" I rolled my eyes heavenward. "Umuwi na tayo." "You cannot stop me." "Try me." "Bakit pag-aari mo na rin ba 'tong mall ha?" Ha. Grabe. Feeling ko lalo akong duduguin kay Julian.
Fifteen minutes.
Lecheng si CM. He told me to meet up! Then what... he was late. He was going to get a tongue lashing from me. Sinisiguro kong mababaon siya ng buhay sa mura ko. Julian grabbed my hand. Before I knew it, he was leading me to a... a baby section. Oh, no. "Julian," nagpapanic kong sabi. "Wait lang..." "Julian!" "What?" "Virgin ka pa ba?" Julian was shocked. HAHA. "Excuse me?" Gigil na sabi nito."And why do you ask?" "Kasi demonyo ka. At sabi nila ang mga demonyo daw virgin pa." "What the hell-" "Kasi hindi ka pwedeng pumunta sa heaven." Tumawa ako sa sarili kong joke. At siya? Tinitigan niya lang ako. No, nakatanga lang siya sa 'kin. Biglang umayos ako ng tayo. Parang ang corny ata ng joke ko. Hindi bumenta. "Baka hinihintay na tayo ni CM." "Julian..." He picked up a feeding bottle. "Pink or blue?" "Ha? Hindi pa nga natin alam 'yung gender 'di ba?" My voice trembled. Bwisit na buhay 'to. Biglang lumapit ang saleslady sa 'min. She smiled sweetly at Julian. Takpan ko kaya ng sako ang mukha ni Julian? Artistahin? Kaya lalong lumalaki ang ulo nito. "Sir, wife niyo po?" At feeling close!
Julian smiled back at her. "No. She's my mistress." I gasped aloud. Ang kapal! "Excuse me lang ha..." Parang lalabas 'yung dugo ko. Kung totoong buntis lang ako baka nakunan ako sa sobrang bwisit kay Julian. Masama pa namang ginagalit ang babaeng kabuwanan. Inis na naglalakad pa 'ko. I was about to pick up a a pair of baby shoes when a hand caught mine. Pareho pala kami ng kukunin. Inis na tinignan ko kung sinomang intrimitidIt was like I was looking into my own wide eyes, my face, everything... save that it wasn't me! "Jean?!" "Jeannie?" Para kaming naestatwa. Ano bang dapat kong sabihin? Hey, long time no see twin? "Jeannie..." We both slowly turned at the voice. Promise, pareho kaming nagkulay papel ng kapatid ko. Unti-unti akong napatingin sa tyan niya. Manipis pa 'yun. Pero meron... meron... God, kill me now! I whispered. Julian frowned. Parang naguluhan. "Julian!" I forced a smile upon my face. He stared fixedly at Jean. "You never told me... your sister's here." Paano ko sasabihin sa'yo eh, hindi ko rin alam?! "Ahmm..."Napalunok ako. "H-hi... s-sorry... I wasn't able to... to come to your wedding. Kauu-wi ko lang. Kahapon. Yes, right, Jean?" Pinanlakihan ako ng mata ng kakambal ko. Gusto ko siyang sakalin. Julian squinted his eyes. Yumakap ako sa bewang niya. Na parang natatakot akong bawiin siya sa 'kin ni Jean. Oh, wait... 'Di ba dapat maging masaya ako? "Yeah... kauuwi niya lang kahapon Julian. Jean-nette is very busy." "She's also pregnant?" Jean and I both looked stupidly at the baby shoes. "Ah... yeah?" At ikaw ang ama! Sumasakit 'yung puson ko. At ngayon sumasakit 'yung ulo ko. Pinaparusahan niyo ba talaga 'ko God? "Jeannie... Jeannette, right?" Lumingon siya sa 'kin tapos kay Jean. Iisa lang 'yun! Ako lahat 'yun! Tsk. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ni Jean. "He knew?! He called you Jeannie!" She mouthed when Julian's back was turned to her."No... he thought... everybody was calling me Jeannie!" I zipped my mouth shut quickly. "How many months?" Napatingin ito sa tyan ni Jean. "Two and... three weeks." Parang nanghihinang napakapit ako kay Julian.
"Coincidence... same with you Jeannie." "Ah... yeah." "Let's have lunch together." "No!" "No!" Halos mag-duet kami ng kapatid ko. We shook our heads in unison. "Jean? Let's-" What the hell was happening? I almost groaned aloud. May lalaking paparating. I didn't know him. For the life of me, I couldn't sprout any more lies. He was eyeing me and Jean. He was with Jean! "Vince? Vincent Gonzalo?" Julian hissed. Ano bang meron? Parang feeling ko mahihimatay na 'ko kahit anong oras. Meron pa bang surprise? Ano pa ba? But my, hindi nakaligpas sa pansin ko... magaling talagang pumili ang kapatid ko. This one was oozing with sex appeal. He wasn't handsome but he was... sexy. "Jean..." Bulong ko at hinila ko siya ng onti palayo. "Sino 'yan? In fairness... yummy ha." "Hey..." The guy's mouth twitched sarcastically. "I forgot... I was stepping into the great Julian Sunico's lair." He laughed humorlessly. Hindi ko na kailangang maging genius para malamang they weren't in good terms. "What the hell are you doing here?" Julian stepped forward in anger. Bumalik ako sa tabi ni Julian. "Vince... let's go." Jean took his hand. Were they together? Obviously. "Jean-nette." Sasakalin talaga kita 'pag tumakas ka pa! "Jean honey, why don't you tell our lover boy here what we're doing here." "Jean?" Napalingon ito sa 'ming dalawa. Oh, no... Lucifer and Michael met. So who's Michael? Definitely not Julian. THIRTEEN Was it the end of the world? Was it a clash of good and evil? Kung alam niyo lang, dinadasalan ko na ang lahat ng santo. Tinatawag ko na si Darna at si Batman. Pati ata si Sailormoon. Pero wala talaga! I could only save me, myself and I. "Julian... I-" "Vincent may pupuntahan pa tayo 'di ba?" My twin, Jean wagged the man's arm. Halata ko ang takot sa mga mata niya. The guy smirked at him. Ang sarap hampasin ng mga insensitive na lalaki sa mundo. Iumpog ang ulo sa pader para matauhan. "We're not yet through Sunico."
Julian gave him a mocking smile. "Afraid of the little woman? Oh... The tough Vincent Gonzalo was afraid of his... wife? You've never bested me before... what now?" Inilahad nito ang kamay. Conceited jerks! To our astonishment Vince started laughing. "Wife?" Hinawakan ito ng mariin ni Jean. "You promised me..." She whispered. No. More like pleaded. Gusto kong lumubog sa kinatatayuan. I was wishing the floor would cave in and eat me whole. Vince grinned maliciously at me. By God, he... knew. Anong pangako iyon? Napatingin ako sa kakambal ko. She was just shaking her head. "Julian-" Hinawakan ko ang braso niya. Pero tinabig lang niya 'ko. I opened my mouth to shout at him. "Vince... 'yung tyan ko!" Jean sobbed and cupped her stomach gently. Pati ako hindi malaman ang gagawin. The two men looked astounded. Lumapit agad ako sa kakambal ko. Niyakap ko siya. Bigla akong natakot. Kahit na nga ba gusto kong sakalin ang kapatid ko... kahit na nga ba minsan hiniling kong sana una ko na lang nakilala si Julian kaysa sa kanya. I wasn't that bad to wish for her to have a miscarriage. Foul 'yun no. I play fair. "Julian!" I screamed in panic. Vince looked at my sister in mixture of shock and horror. Gusto ko silang pagumpugin dalawa. "I'll call you. Jeannie... I won't go back to... Julian. Ever." Bulong niya. Natatakpan ko siya mula sa mga lalaki kaya hindi nila narinig. Then she purredgroaned aloud. Napangiwi ako at nag-aalalang tinignan ang hita niya kung may sign ng dugo. That took Vince out of his reverie. Mabilis nitong niyakap si Jean at binuhat. May tatlong lalaki sa likod nila ang dumating out of nowhere. Bodyguards. I opened my mouth to say goodbye. Then Jean- winked at me! My jaw almost dropped. I was an idiot. I should have known. Ngayon ko lang na-realize. Talaga bang nasa pamilya na namin ang sinungaling? Or we were just made to be a good actress? I felt a caress on my back. Marahan akong lumingon. "Don't worry about her. Vince may be a bastard son of a bi-tch. But he's responsible. For years, lagi na lang siya nakikipagkompitensya sa 'kin. He even courted Tricia." He smirked. "I don't know if I should be thankful he didn't get to seduce my wife." Muntik na akong mapaubo. If you only knew Julian. Kung sa bagay, kung i-seseduce niya 'ko. Hindi ako ipokrita para sabihing hindi ako mate-tempt. I smiled sheepishly. Landi. "You didn't tell me... they're together?" Hindi pa rin talaga ako pinapabayaan ni God... my phone started ringing. "Hallelujah, praise the lord. CM? I love you!"
Julian glared at me. He took my hand and gave me keys."What's this?" "Obvious ba? Susi ng sasakyan." He hissed and turned his back on me. "Julian where are you goi-" "The driver already went home. You should be at home before seven." Tinanggal nito ang rolex wrist watch at ibinato sa 'kin. Muntik ko ng hindi masalo. Walang modo talaga! Anong akala niya sa 'kin? Bata? May curfew? At saka... I gritted my teeth, marunong naman akong tumingin ng oras no. "I don't have money!" "Isasangla ko 'tong relo mo!" I shouted after him.
Starbucks.
"So... she's pregnant? With Julian?" CM sipped his Caffe Mocha. Pasabunot na itinukod ko ang kamay sa round table. "I guess so?" I told him everything there was. Tumaas lang 'yung kilay niya. Tapos ipinilantik niya 'yung kamay. "From the looks of it, mukhang hindi mo na talaga maibabalik si Jean. Which means... you're going to live forever as her." Pabalewalang sabi nito. "Libre mo 'ko ha." Then he ordered another beverage. Siya itong nag-aya aya tapos ako manlilibre?! "Mahiya ka naman sa lalamunan mo. Magka-tonsilitis ka sana." "Inyo naman itong mall ah." I gasped. S. Mall. S stands for... Sunico! "Ahhh... And she's with Vincent Gonzalo." "Really?" Biglang lumaki ang mata nito. "He was a chic, ahem, business magnate. Kalabang mortal ng mga Sunico." "Talaga? Wow. I didn't know that. Buti ka pa friend, hindi halatang tsismosa." "Very observant lang. Sabi nila the Gonzalos were bankrupt by the Sunicos. Ngayon pa lang bumabawi." He shrugged nonchalantly. Tapos nanlaki ang mga mata na tumingin sa 'kin. He smiled fishily. "What!" There were so many untold stories here. "Sabihin mo kay Jean ibalato na lang sa 'kin 'yung isa. See? Ibinigay niya sa 'yo si Julian. Sa kanya si Vince... which leaves Brad alone. Akin na lang siya! Hindi siya magugutom sa 'kin promise." Parang kinikiliting tumili ito. Napatingin ang isang babae dito na kanina pa titig na titig kay CM. Inirapan ito ni CM.
"CM... if Jean won't come back. I have to be pregnant. Pero kung... kung... mabubuntis naman ako. Delicadeza na lang 'di ba? Ano 'yun... 'yung mga anak naming mag-pinsan na magkapatid pa? Ang sagwa 'di ba?" "Tama. At isipin mo na lang... kambal kayo. You have the same features. Tapos iisa ng tatay... paglabas non, for sure mukha ding kambal. Ay, bongga alam mo naman tayong magaganda..." Nahirinan ako dun. I stared at him stupidly. Parang ayaw mag-process ng brain cells ko. "Magkape ka na nga lang... para kabahan ka naman sa mga pinagsasasabi mo." "Sabihin ko na lang kaya?" I was getting frustrated. He nodded. "Sabihin mo na, pero 'wag mo 'kong sisihin kung bakit nasa headlines ka bukas. Babae, pinatay ng asawa, nagsinungaling na buntis." "Salamat ha, ang dami mong naitutulong eh, no?" "Teka nga... nag... hmm... na ba kayo?" Bumilog ang mga mata nito at lumapit maigi ang mukha sa 'kin. Napaatras naman ako. "Anong hmm?" My brain wasn't functioning well. I became addle-brained for a minute. "Nag-ano, alam mo na 'yun. 'Yung ano..." Ngumuso ito. He put his two fingers together. "Ano?" Inis kong sabi. Hindi ko siya pinapansin. "Ang slow mo naman Jeannie! 'Yung... tentenenententen. Then you'll scream at the peak super JULIAAAAN." My blush intensified. Feel na feel nito. He even demonstrated the expressions. Yuck. Gross. I opened my mouth to scream at him. CM just laughed at me.
Nauna na 'kong umuwi kay CM. Not because the princess also needed lumaki ang eyebags ko, magkaroon stressed out. I sighed. It was a drive.
because I was afraid of the dragon. But her precious rest. Syempre, ayokong ng maraming pimples. Ayokong mukhang good thing Jean and I both know how to
I was feeling drowsy. Ilang araw na ding hindi ako natutulog ng maayos. I drove faster than I should have. Wala sa loob ko. I was shocked when an overspeeding car on the side tipped its way toward me. Nakalimutan kong mag-slow down sa intersection. My heart hammered loudly. Hindi ba sabi nila... kung mamamatay ka parang may mga scene kang makikita sa buhay mo? Mamamatay na ba 'ko? God... hindi pa talaga 'ko ready. I cried out. I knew I called Julian's name. I wasn't so sure. God... I have so many unfinished businesses. 'Wag muna. Hindi pa ako nagbabayad sa mga pinagkakautangan ko sa New York. Hindi ko pa nabibigyan ng apo sina mommy. Hindi pa 'ko prepared makita si San Pedro... at saka God sabi nga ni CM... hindi ko pa alam ang feeling ng nag-tetentenenententen. I started sobbing quietly.
I lived my life spontaneously. I knew that... there were endless problems but I still wanted to sur-vive. It was too quickly. Mababangga ako! Pilit kong iniiwas ang sasakyan. Then I ended up bumping a big trunk of a tree. I felt the impact of it. My head bumped the side window. The shards of glasses splintered on the side. At may biglang safety air balloon na lumobo sa harapan ko. It was suffocating me. The impact, emotional stress, pain, and a lot more blended together. I was pulled deeper into a pitless hole of nothingness. FOURTEEN "Ito ang listahan ng mga kasalanan at kabutihan mo..." Was he serious? "Sa... sa langit na ba ako? I mean, sa langit ba ako pupunta?"Para kasing hindi naman 'to heaven eh. "Right minus wrong." "Anong ibig niyong sabihin?" "Anak... katawan lang ang iniiwan sa lupa hindi ang common sense." My eyes opened wide. Little did I know that St. Peter was also a philosopher. Meaning... good minus bad? "What the fu-ck." Paano kung mas marami ang kasalanan ko? Eh 'di may utang pa 'ko? I groaned. Pinilit ko namang maging mabait. Were you telling me that I shouldn't have followed those novels I so much liked? Sabi kasi nila... magpakatotoo. Hanapin mo ang sarili mo blah, blah, blah. 'Yun naman ang ginawa ko. "Plus one." My eyes were open wide. I stared incredulously at the shining bald head of St. Peter. Pati ba ang pagmumura counted na din?
"You can now take her." It was getting hot. No! Ibababa nila 'ko sa impyerno. Magiging demonyo nga ako? Dahil virgin pa 'ko. Ayaw nila akong papasukin sa heaven! Kasama si Julian. Argh. If only I had known, I should have seduced him sooner. Sana isinama na rin nila 'yung driver na nag-overspeeding. "Jeannie... Jeannie..." Did they know my name? Argh. "Jeannie... Jeannie..." I slowly opened my eyes. There I saw my mom. Disoriented pa 'ko. Pero... pero nakikita ko na si mommy! I was panting so hard. No ribs broken. Sure ako dun. Wala akong maramdamang sakit. May ininject bang pampamanhid? "She's out of danger. Actually, she's not even in the brink of danger. Only a small wound on her forehead." Ngumiti ang doctor sa mommy ko. She was crying. Then I saw my dad. God, how I missed my family. Naiiyak na
niyakap ako ng daddy ko. "Guilty ako." Bulong niya. "I love you daddy, mommy." I whispered brokenly. Minsan, maiisip mong kailan mo din palang i-express ang nararamdaman mo sa kanila. What if it was too late? He smiled at me and patted my head like the way he used to. My mommy was crying silently. Where's Julian? The door burst open. Speaking of the devil. My parents excused themselves. "Are you okay?" Natatarantang hinawakan niya ang buhok ko, ang mukha ko, ang katawan ko. He was skimming every part of me. Na para bang alam niya gagawin kung may sugat nga ako! Hindi naman siya ang doctor. At saka niya lang siguro napansin na nandun nga ang doctor. "Is she alright? My God." He was worried! I smiled eagerly as the doctor gave his prognosis. "She's okay except for-" "How about the baby?" He cut him off frantically. My smile froze in place. My jaw became slacked. The doctor frowned. "Excuse me... Mr. Sunico there's no-" Oh my saving grace. Napakapit ako bigla sa puson ko. Sorry San Pedro, ibalato niyo na po sa 'kin 'to. Saka na tayo magbilangan, mmkay? Anyway, blame my sister for giving me this idea."Awww..." Pareho silang napatingin sa 'kin. The doctor frowned even more. "Doc, damn! I thought she's okay. What the fu-ck's happening to my wife?" Sumisigaw na sabi ni Julian. Parang nataranta ang doctor sa galit nito. I winced. Parang na-guilty naman ako. Tsk. "I don't know." "Is she having a miscarriage?" Sigaw ulit nito. I moaned aloud and curled into a fetal position. 'Yung natatakpan ang mukha ko. Gusto kong matawa na matakot kay Julian. Ambad ko. "Baby? Mr. Sunico, there's no bab-" Kumapit ako sa braso ng doctor. He frowned at me. Kinuha ang stethoscope. My nails dug deeper into his arm. Then I blinked thrice, for his sake. Grabe, parang hindi niya nagegets! Naiiyak na 'ko sa gigil. "I want my mommy." I hissed at Julian. "Please... Julian. Call mom... my..." Parang hesitant pa itong tumakbo palabas. When the door closed I took the doctor's hand. "Please, I have no time to explain doc. It's a matter of life and.... death?" Napangiwi ako. Totoo naman ah. Papatayin ako ni Julian. Mumultuhin ako ni Angko. Whatever. Whichever comes first. "Anyway, just pretend the babe's okay. Please. Malaki utang na loob ko sa inyo doc." He stared at me incredulously.
"Ahmm... free shopping spree at S. Mall!" I smiled charmingly. 'Yung winner na smile ng close-up. Kung hindi pa siya madaan sa santong dasalan, sa santong paspasan na lang. Biglang bumukas ang pinto.
As soon as the doctor gave me his promise I persuade Julian to take me home. Wala naman talaga akong sugat. No nothing. Tapos super bait niya, parang hindi totoo. It was as if Julian was possessed by some good spirit. Nakakokonsensya na nga ako. Tulog, kain, higa, nood tv, basa ng novels. Nag-movie marathon ako. In all fairness, may DVD version na ang Romeo and Juliet. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ito ang ipinahiram sa 'kin ng hitad kong bestfriend. Iniisip ba niyang iinom din ako ng lason para lang makasama ko si Julian? The worst is, baka ako pa ang lasunin ni Julian. "What are you watching?" I got engrossed. I tsked. I couldn't help it. Oh, my Leonardo DiCaprio's yummy. Naiinggit tuloy ako sa gumanap na Juliet. I bit my lower lip sa sobrang gigil. Tapos niyakap ko 'yung unan ng mahigpit. Then I sighed. Mayamaya lang Julian sat on the bed beside me. Hindi ko pinansin ang pandidiri sa mukha niya. Care ko, basta gwapo si Romeo. I wondered why men turned away when things get mushy or better yet emotional. When in fact, they were always the one who resorted to cuddling. "Laway mo tumutulo..." Julian swiped an invisible saliva down the side of my lips. Ingos na tinabig ko 'yung kamay niya. Inggit lang siya wala sa kanya 'yung atensyon ko. Mayamaya lang, we were both silently watching. I snuggled close to Julian. Hindi ko napansin na nilagay niya 'yung braso niya sa likod ng ulo ko. O, sige na. Napansin ko pero kunwari wala lang pero deep inside... I was like, hell move a little bit closer baby. Siguro nahiya lang siya so... for his sake I inched closer. I leaned my head in the cove of his neck. I couldn't help but sigh pleasurably. One advantage of being rich. Plasma ang tv. Napatitig talaga ako sa eksena sa party. Juliet was leading Romeo into a dance-kiss. Na para bang sinasabing 'habulin mo 'ko'. Titig na titig ako. Parang feeling ko ako ang naaatat na hatakin si Leonardo at papakin. I shivered delightedly.Goodness, I was having kinky thoughts. Tapos sa swimming pool scene. Naalala ko bigla kami ni Julian. I was imagining that Julian was Romeo and Juliet was... of course me. At si Tricia, aber? I snorted. Siya si Rosaline! Siya 'yung firstforgotten love. Then they were like kissing, ugh-eating each other in the pool. Natuwa ako kasi muka talagang inosente 'yung gumanap na Juliet. Akalain mo 'yun. She kept telling no, while she kept moving her lips to and fro against Romeo's. Tsk. Despite her innocent face was a great k-i-s-s-e-r. Sosyal, dinaig pa 'ko. Siguro kahit ako din naman, basta siya magtuturo sa 'kin. Fast-learner kaya ako. Tuwang-tuwa talaga ako sa palabas na 'to. I'd hug CM when we meet again.
Then they fell into the water again when they declared their undying love. Nakatanga talaga ako. They were kissing underwater! I wished Leonardo would kiss me like th-
"There's a rumor that he's gay."
I gasped aloud. Give Julian the credit to ruin my fantasy. "Gee, thanks." Inis na dumiretso na 'ko ng upo. Lumayo-layo si Juliet. Dalagang Pilipina kaya si Juliet? Pakipot din eh. Kesyo mali daw 'yun. Sus, if I know kung anong bawal siyang masarap. Nabitin ako nung tinawag ng nursemaid si Juliet. "Romeo is stupid." "Excuse me?" Ayoko ng pakinggan pa kung ano na namang panlalait ang maririnig ko kay Julian. "I said he's stupid." "At bakit?" "Ni hindi man lang naka-home base kay Juliet bago ipainom 'yung lason." I gasped so very loud than the first time. "Naka-home base kaya! Ayan oh, honeymoon na nila." Dumila pa 'ko sa kanya. Then a smile slowly inched its way to the corner. Napalunok ako. Hindi ko gusto 'yung ngising 'yun ni Julian. Umusod ako palayo. "I forgot all about our honeymoon."His voice became husky. Alam mo 'yun... my hair on the nape stood on ends. "Then you're the one who's stupid!" Had I really said that? Yeah, right stupid.
"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street na lang ang panoorin natin." He smiled evilly. I groaned aloud. Pasalamat siya kung yummy si Leonardo DiCaprio mas hot para sa 'kin si Johnny Depp. I'd tell you, I wasn't very particular with the chinitos. My mobile started ringing. "Hello?" "Jean Rose Leviste? Irene here. May reunion nga pala tayo."
FIFTEEN
"Make love to me..." "What?" "You heard me... make love to me. NOW." Sinabi ko iyon na parang nagdedemand lang ng flavor ng chupachups. Umiling ito. "This is not you. What's gotten into you?" Masamang espiritu. "So, is it a yes or a no?" "No." "Fine. I won't effin' waste my time on somebody who's not worth it." Galit na binalibag ko ang pinto. I wiped the threatening tears away. He grabbed my arm. "This. Is. Not. You." Kailangan pa bang ulit-ulitin niya 'yun? Alam ko. I'm a big time loser.
"More... more..." My God, I was actually purring. Me? I slithered my body against him. Hell yeah, like a cat. Last night ko na 'to. Gee... I rocked my hips back in forth to the rhythm. I would dance the night away like it would be my last time. No. My FIRST TIME. "You're drunk. Masyado ka ng madaming naiinom." Goodness, I didn't know a mere whisper in the ear could feel ticklish. Ahm... "I'm supposed to be drunk. And happy. And sexy... Kaya nga tinawag itong bar 'di ba?" I stupidly craned my neck. Oh boy, I wasn't that drunk, was I? He's got gray eyes. I couldn't be mistaken. "Wanna ride with me boyo?" Parang may sariling isip ang bibig ko. Grabe lakas ng tama sa 'kin ng martini. Ilang shots pa lang. His lips twitched on the side. "Hell, who wouldn't? No wonder... Julian got dibs on you. I bet you're feeling fvcking hot?" "And dir-ty." Yes. A helluva way to say it. Feeling ko ang dumi-dumi ko. Pero hindi ba 'yun naman dapat ang maramdaman ko? Hindi ako ito. When the man swayed me back and forth I felt his rock hard body poking againt mine. I gasped a little. Para akong nakuryente. Hindi ako.
Hindi ako.
Hindi ako.
"You promised me! You promised me... you won't hurt Julian." I felt my eyes widening. Out of the blue, Angko was staring down at me.
He was standing there. Tapos lumapit siya sa 'kin. What was happening? Parang umiikot ang paligid ko. Angko knelt down the side of the bed and touched my stomach. He shook his head. "Don't hurt him. You promised me!" I was sweating coldly and profusely. Napaupo akong bigla at napa-sign of the cross. Seryoso ba si Angko? Minumulto nga niya ako! I was trembling violently. Lumingon lingon ako. Madilim ang buong paligid. Ang sama talaga ng ugali ni Julian! Ni hindi man lang binuksan ang lamp shade bago umalis. Marahan akong umupo. What the hell were those dreams all about? ... there was a woman with no face. Or Was it me? Then there was Angko. Kinakarma na ba talaga 'ko? Hindi na 'ko nakatulog. Sino ba? Parang naririnig ko pa rin ang boses ni Angko. Parang gusto niya na talaga akong isama sa dako paroon kung hindi ko gagawin ang gusto niya. I bit my lower lip then I sniffed. Ano 'yun? Insenso... seryoso ba talaga si Angko? Kinilabutan ako. Someone tapped my shoulder from behI screamed. "Angko!" "Jean?" "Uncle Bert?" I gritted my teeth. "Sorry... ahm, good morning?" "G'morning. Have you seen Julian?" I shook my head. Nakita ko siya kanina paalis. I waved at him. Did you know what he did? Nilagpasan niya lang ako. Humahabol ata sa buwanang dalaw ko. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Not that it was unusal. Magsakit-sakitan kaya ako ulit? Baka sakaling bumait pa siya. Hindi kaya nagkakamali si Angko ng pagpaparamdaman? I absent-mindedly touched my stomach. "Are you okay?" I nodded. Tapos nakita ko ang isang make-shift altar. Picture ni Angko! I almost groaned aloud. It was as if he were smiling at me. More like-taunting me. "Angko... nasa heaven ka na ba? Lagot ka kay papa God. Do you want me to continue lying to your grandson?" I whispered. Para akong baliw na kinakausap ang larawan niya. "What did you say?" "Ahm... nothing." I smiled up at him. "Anong meron uncle?" Then I heard a loud giggle. I closed my eyes in frustration. "Imo Jean!" Dyos ko... pinapahirapan mo ba talaga 'ko? Gigil na lumingon ako kay Tantan, Celine, Aunt Risan at sa iba pa. They were here!
"Didn't Julian tell you? It was Angko's birthday today." We had a family dinner. And I'd tell you. Julian was sulky and withdrawn. Hindi siya makausap ng mommy niya, eh di ako pa kaya? He just kept shrugging his shoulder whatever I asked of him. Minsan nga gusto ko ng ibato sa kanya 'yung pinggan. My phone vibrated. One text message. Meet me up here in Butter Diner's now. I'll only be waiting for about an hour. Sender: Kambal ko. I opened my mouth in astonishment. Grabe, ang demanding! I couldn't just... I gritted my teeth. Kailangan ko siyang makausap. "Uncle... I have to ran an errand for my twin. She's ahm... here in the country." They all agreed. Wala naman silang sinabing masama dahil tapos na rin naman ang dinner. At isa pa one valid reason 'yun para makalayo kay Tantan. I winced. "Julian I'm going." I looked him in the eyes. At ang ginawa niya: He just shrugged at me! As if I could go anywhere for all he cared in the world. Nakakahiya naman sa 'kin, ni hindi man lang ako tinanong kung san ako pupunta o kung anong oras ako uuwi. I glared at him. Mamaya, I'd give him a Cold War. 'Wag niya kong papansinin! I wouldn't talk to him. EVER.
Jean and I had a long talk. I was getting tired of everything. I sighed and took a step or two on the landing of the first floor. Tapos nakasalubong ko siya, he was holidng something long and big covered with black cloth. He just walked past me as if I weren't there. Ni hindi man lang nagtanong kung buhay pa 'ko. Malay ba niya kung ghost lang akong gumagala gala. I wouldn't wonder now why Julian never saw the difference. He was always immersed in his agony. Masyado siyang seryoso sa buhay. "Where are you going?" He just waved his hand as if shooing a fly. Gigil na tumakbo ako. He was putting his things on his Cadillac two-seater convertible. He didn't even ask me if I could join him. Even for decency's sake! Walang sabi-sabing umupo ako sa passenger seat. "Don't ask me what am I doing. Sasama ako. Period." I crossed my arms over my chest. "I want to be alone. Napaka-insensitive mo. Hindi mo ba naiintindihan 'yun?" I gasped. Me? Insensitive? My God. Talk about morons here. I zipped my mouth. Baka kung ano pa ang maisip kung sabihin sa kanya. He drove for miles and miles. Tumigil kami sa bandang Tagaytay. I think? It was overlooking the Taal lake. Geezers, why didn't he tell me? Nakapagdala man lang sana
ako ng sketchpad. Even from here the lampposts lit the view, overlooking the lake. Ang ganda. 'Yun nga lang. Medyo nakakatakot kasi deserted siya at gabi na. Iba din ang trip nitong si Julian. "What's that?" Deadma. "Telescope?" Deadma. I clapped my hands. "Magii-stargazing tayo?" Parang balewalang tumingala siya at sumilip na sa malaking telescope niya. Tayo. That was my operative word. Mali, mali. Siya lang pala! I was like... a ghost. Inis na sinipa ko ang gulong ng mamahaling convertible niya. Paulit-ulit. "Nakakainis ka. Alam mo ba 'yun?" Sigaw ko sa sasakyan. Ewan ko lang kung hindi pa niya 'ko marinig! "Akala mo kung sino ka laging magaling." Lumakad ito. At nilagpasan ako! Kumuha ng sandwich mula sa basket. Wow. He wolfed down the food and got himself busy again. Na para bang wala ako dito! At siya lang ang tao sa mundo. "Napakawalang hiya mo. You're a beast! I hate you! I hate you! You don't care about others' feelings. Sana tubuan ka ng kulugo. Ng pigsa sa... sa ilong! Sana... pumangit ka. Sana... sana... lumiit 'yung... 'yung... 'yung paa mo! Sana..." I was already panting from exhaustion. Sumasakit na rin ang toes ko kakasipa. Ang tibay naman ng gulong. "Bakit hindi ka minumulto ni Angko? Parang hindi ka pinalaking maayos-" I felt a tight grip on my wrist. It was vise-like that I thought my blood stopped flowing from my wrist to my hand. I was looking straight into his eyes. Namimilog ang mga tsinitong mga mata nito. He gritted his teeth. Ni hindi ko alam kung... dapat ba akong matakot. How many times had I seen him this mad? This furious? "You don't know what you're talking about. Angko loves me... Ikaw? What do you know?" It was a mere whisper but it sounded like thunder in my ears. "You got me hitched into this... this mess." If his eyes were daggers I could have been dead right now. "Lagi mo na lang akong sinasaktan." He smiled at me. Evilly. Tapos itinulak niya 'ko. I tumbled onto the passenger seat of the Cadillac. Nakabukas na ang pinto noon. Nasaktan ang siko ko sa pagtama sa manibela. Pausog ako ng pausog hanggang sa makarating na 'ko sa driver's seat. Ang mga paa ko ay nakalapat sa passenger's seat. He took my shoes off. My eyes were so wide to the extent that it hurt. I was like a cornered rat. Nowhere to go. He was kneeling, my legs were trapped between his knees. "Julia-" Pilit kong binubuksan ang pinto sa likod ko. When I flailed, my arms accidentally bumped the horn. His mouth cracked a maligned smile. Sabihin ko kayang meron ako? Pero... tapos na period ko. At saka... he knew that pregnant wives don't bleed.
"Go ahead... make some noise. Scream for me darling..." Habang ang mukha niya ay palapit ng palapit sa 'kin. No! "Lagi kitang sinasaktan? Now..." He murmured against my cheek. I kept pushing his chest. Ang lakas ng tibok ng puso ko, hindi kaya naririnig din niya iyon? "I'll give you... pleasure,darling. My lawfully wedded and bedded... wife." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. Was he serious? Had he gone mad? He cupped my cheek and pulled me closer. This wasn't my ideal wedding night! I was going to scream that. But his mouth was there already claiming what he thought was rightfully his. I could feel him all over me. Against me. "Julia-n..." His kisses turned soft. Not the way he always used to. Not rough and forceful. This time it was a mating of two souls. Kissing like there'd be no tomorrow. He rained tiny kisses on the side of my face, on my jawlines. He was too big for the limited space provided by the Cadillac. My mind went fuzzy. Were we going to really do it here? Out in the open? He bit my lower lip and nibbled on it like a candy he couldn't get enough of. I opened my eyes and saw the stars above. The sky was so dark but the stars were twinkling brightly. I even thought they all winked at me. He coaxed me to open up for him. He lingered on my mouth. He opened the buttons one by one. I felt the cold wind against my skin. Skin... skin... inch by inch uncovered. I gripped the car seat tight. So tight my knuckles were white yet my cheeks were burning hot. I sucked in my breath. My lungs were starting to lack the oxygen it needed. Was it suffocation? "I need you..." There were no love words only the brutal truth. Had the wind only carried it to my ears? Or was my imagination playing tricks on me? I was hesitant to open my eyes. It might not be true. Ganon ata talaga ka-tanga ang main-love. You'd wish upon a star. You willed yourself to believe. Masakit. Because need was different from love. I breathed in and out. My first time. Here on the car seat. It was wild. Hot. Spontaneous. And scary. We were like teenagers on our first date. There was the thrill of being caught. He stood before me naked as the day he was born. Sometimes words weren't needed. At least now, he was loving me. I couldn't breathe. He was touching me everywhere. There. Here. Again and again. Oh, lord... rape na ba talaga ito? He outlined my shoulder blades then down... down to my flat stomach. We kissed urgently. I heard the unsnapping of jeans. I wasn't so sure if I even helped him took it off. I even remembered arching my hips to free it from the confines. Hindi kami gaanong makakilos. Then he started chuckling on my neck. He was heavy- and heaving againt me. Hindi niya alam kung paano 'pagkasyahin ang sarili. Plinano niya siguro ito? Oh,
boy... he should have brought a bulkier vehicle. Then from afar we heard the mewling of-My hair stood on ends as his breath fanned my neck.
Was I really ready for this? Was I ready to go heaven? I shut my eyes as-
I gasped. He drove deep into me. He stilled against me. It was amazing how two people could become....
...one.
Tumaas ang mukha nito. Sana hindi ko na lang nakita ang mga mata niya. His forehead was beaded with sweat.
"You. Lied. To. Me." His voice was hoarse.
Gone was the passion. He took me in anger. I kept pushing him to get off me. Para akong mahahati sa gitna sa sobrang sakit.
It hurt like hell. I couldn't take him-it anymore. I fainted.
SIXTEEN The first time is usually, if not always, painful. Para iyong karayom na pinilit mong ipasok ang yarn. Pero sa kaso ko, it really hurt like hell.
He took me in anger with no amount of gentleness. Parang dalawang metal na nagkiskis na hindi man lang nilagyan ng grasa. Nagasgas. I felt sore all over. I slowly opened my eyes. I wanted to cry and tell him how awful it was. Pero bakit ko siya bibigyan ng satisfaction at malaman niyang nanalo siya? Sinaktan niya 'ko. Not just physically but emotionally scraped. Walang pakialam na nagbihis ako sa harap niya. Ano pa bang mawawala sa 'kin? I felt so violated. "Why did you... do it?" He on his hips. Ni hindi nito shirt. I smirked. Sa likod napakasamang ugali. He was
whispered angrily. His jeans were hanging low nagawang i-snap iyon. He wasn't wearing his ng gwapong anyo niya ay nagtatago ang an angel in disguise. A devil's advocate.
He was pacing to and fro frantically. Galit na sinuklay nito ang buhok. "Why?!" He shouted furiously. I was up to the last button when he turned around and faced me. Angry lines were visible. Nagngangalit ang ugat nito sa leeg sa pagpipigil. Well, I didn't care if he'd murder me now. I didn't care if he-
... he punched the rearview mirror!
I almost jumped in surprise. Almost. Nakita kong nagdurugo ang knuckles nito. 'Di ba sinabi kong wala akong pakialam? WALA. I blindly sat on the passenger seat. Para akong tanga. Tulala. I heard him hissing beside me. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong tumalon sa bangin. Gusto kong matulog at hindi na magising. I closed my eyes. Malay ko ba, baka mangyari 'yun. Baka pakinggan ako ni God at maawa siya sa 'kin. Ramdam ko pa rin ang basa sa baba ko. Idemanda ko kaya siya? I would scream 'I'm a battered wife of Julian Sunico'. May makinig kaya sa 'kin? I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I wanted to kill him. Sunugin siya ng unti-unti. Like what happened to the cursed witches before. Would there be justice in killing him? Ayoko siyang tignan. Ayo-ko. He didn't even bother putting his shirt on. Parang hindi nito nararamdaman ang pag-agos ng dugo habang nagmamaneho ito. Was he immune to pain already? At least they had something in common now. Nasa garahe na kami. Ni hindi ko man lang napansin.
"Why did you do that?" bulong nito. "You know what, when I first saw you crying at the hotel. I got attracted to you that first time." Hindi ako 'yun Julian. "You look so vulnerable and trusting. So innocent." "Sana... sana... sinabi mo na lang sa 'kin una pa man. Sana inutang mo na lang sa 'kin ang pambili ng bahay niyo. Ours was a marriage made in hell." He hissed. I smiled mockingly. "Yes. We're both devils, aren't we?" "Ang laki ng talo ko." Hindi ako kumibo. Ayoko ng sabihing bakit siya ba ang nasaktan? Siya ba ang nawalan ng virginity? Kung sa bagay, what was a piece of flesh for a Sunico like him? Kapirasong laman lang iyon. Nothing more. Nothing less. Baka kasi siya ang nawalan ng pinaka-iingatang dangal. Tahimik na bumaba ako ng sasakyan. Humarap ako sa kanya. He wasn't looking at me. Sige, magpanggap siyang wala ako. I smiled at him. Tinitigan ko ang leather seat. "Talo? We're even. Bayad na 'ko sa 'yo." At galit na binalibag ko ang pintuan pasara. I heard him swore. The he called my name. I didn't turn around. "Jeannie." He called me four times. What did he want this time? Humarap ako sa kanya. Before I knew it he threw my-
...underwear with brownish stain on it!
"I hate you. I wished we've never met. EVER."
Morning. I cried a river last night. Pabalibag na binuksan ko ang closet. I took my personal things and left those that weren't mine. Una pa man talaga never naman akin 'to. Kahit isa wala. It should have been Jean's. Everything.
Butter Diner's. "Jean what is this all about?" "Jeannie... I'm sorry." Hinawakan nito ang kamay ko. I thought I wouldn't forgive my sister for what she'd done. Pero... parang wala naman akong choice. She was my twin. "Sorry... sorry... eh, kung batukan kaya kita riyan? Bakit mo ba kasi ginawa 'yun? What would I do now? We can't just trade places again. He's... he's..." mine now. I winced. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat. "Wala na 'kong balak bumalik kay Julian. We... can live like this forever." "Are you mad?" "My baby... it's not Julian's. I can't tell you everything. I-" I gasped. Para akong naguluhan. Was she talking in Latin? Parang sinabi niyang alien ang nakabuntis sa kanya. Oh, my God. I shook my head. "WHAT?!" Seryoso? "You... you lied to us. To me? To Julian? You wanted him to father your baby? Oh my, God." Pinigilan ko ang kamay kong masakal ang kapatid ko. Baka hindi ko siya matantya. I thought she wouldn't do this. The dream. Oh, no. Was it that then? 'Di ba ang mga kambal ay may kakaibang koneksyon? "Jeannie... please..." "No!" I couldn't take it. I couldn't take the lies anymore. "We'll tell Julian about this." We both jumped in surprise when I heard a loud crash. We looked down. It was the empty glass. Wala namang gumalaw non. "Julian... didn't know me that well. I mean... hindi niya napansin na iba ka, iba ako. Because we just... met only a few times after the-the-" "Pikot."
Naiiyak ako habang naliligo, naalala ko lahat ng pag-uusap namin. I walked like a zombie. Para akong bagong-ano- panganak. "Ma'am." I looked up. "May bisita po kayo." Nakita ko sa likod niya si... si Jean? "What are you doing here?" Not that I was blaming her but... but... Hell, yes. I blamed her. "Jeannie... listen to me." I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Didn't her explanations a bit too late?
"Anong ginagawa mo?" Isn't it obvious? I wanted to scream and shake some common sense into her. "Bakit ka nagbabalot ng damit?" Tinabig ko 'yung kamay niya. "Ayoko na Jean. Ayoko ng magpanggap na ikaw! Kung gusto mo bumalik ka dito at... No!" Iling ko. Hindi na pwede. Pareho kaming... pareho kaming... "Pero Jeannie... hindi... pwede. I promised Vincent." Bigla siyang umupo at hinawakan ang tyan. She suddenly winced and moaned. Inirapan ko siya. "Stop it. It won't work this time." Bakit ba? Eh, if I know ganyang ganyan din arte ko sa may hospital. Bigla itong tumuwid ng tayo. "Uuwi na 'ko sa 'tin. At wala kayong magagawa ni mommy. If you want you can tell Julian the whole fucccking tru-" "What fuccccking truth are you talking about?" We both turned at the door. There the devil stood. Nakita kong may benda ang kamao niya. My heart went wild. Ayokong isipin kung ano ang napakalaking kasalanan niya sa 'kin. And boy, he was damned furious. I bet he was ready to wring our necks. Narinig ba... niya? "What truth, damn you!" Sigaw nito na rinig ata ng buong subdivision. "Julian... I'm... Jeannette." I whispered defiantly. At itinaas ang ulo na parang sa reyna. He frowned. He looked fierce. "What the hell are you talking about?" Napatingin ito kay Jean."You are... you are..." "She's your real wife Julian." I muttered. He cursed floridly."She went missing before your wedding day. I replaced her. And the baby's not yours." Nakita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya. What else was there? He was betrayed. Niloko. "Umuwi na tayo Jean." Hinila ko ang kamay niya at kinuha ang clutch bag. Nakita ko ang masamang tingin ni Julian ng dumaan si Jean. "I'm... so-" "Don't fuccking say sorry to me." Parang dagang tumalilis si Jean. I stared fixedly at him. I didn't want to cry. But tears were starting to pool in my eyes. I walked past him. Bigla niyang hinarang ang bulto sa harapan ko. The corner of his lips twitched. "You're not that expensive. Do you think your virginity caused millions?"
I gasped at his crudeness. Sinampal ko siya.
"You owe me five million minus the interest which is yourpurity, darling. At hindi kita ibabalik sa mga magulang mo hangga't hindi mo nababayaran iyon." SEVENTEEN I was pacing to and fro. Pati ako nga rin nahihilo na sa sarili ko. If it was any consolation on every one's part Julian let go of Jean. But not ME. I was starting to hate him. Bakit ba hindi eh, ako... ako ang ikinulong niya at gusto niyang mag-suffer. Was I that bad to blame my sister? Pero nasa katwiran naman ako. Kahit magkita pa kami sa husgado! I took my sketch pad and sat on the floor, leaning against the bed. I brushed my tears angrily. Wala na lang siyang ginawang mabuti kung hindi paiyakin at saktan ako. Hindi na siya naawa sa kagandahan ko. I bit my lower lip until it bled. I drew Julian's face. His handsome face and his body. I busied myself for how many seconds-minutes... I pouted and made face. Mali... mali. I erased half part. Then I drew his body again. Without clothes on. I smiled nastily. ...hours. "Parang sungay. Oh, 'di myself.
may kulang." I raised one brow. Tapos nagdrawing ako ng dalawang Mahabang buntot. At ang hawak niya... isang malaking tinidor. ba? He looked like a bench model on Halloween. Then I did sketch Of course, I was the angel with a halo sent from up above.
Na aalilain ng demonyo. "Ganon ba talaga ang mga bida? Laging api?" Bulong ko sa sarili ko. I wrinkled my nose and closed my eyes. Tapos biglang bumukas 'yung pinto. Pabalabag. I glared at him standing like he owned the world. Hell, given the fact that he owned me. "Tumayo ka dyan." Inirapan ko siya. I was fuming mad. Hinila niya 'ko pataas. I cringed in pain. "Ano ba!" Pilit kong tinatanggal ang kamay niya sa braso ko. "Sign this." Pabalewalang may ibinagsak siya sa kama. Makapal iyon. Puro papeles. I wanted to kill him right this minute. Kung legal lang ang krimen sa mundo baka ilang beses na itong namatay. O kaya pahihirapan ko muna ng unti-unti. My eyes squinted in anger.
"What's this?" "Nakakapagbasa ka naman 'di, ba..." My mouth dropped open. He was a cad. A chauvinist. Ang pinakababoy sa lahat ng baboy. I took the papers and read it. This was legal and notarized. Kahit naman fine arts ang kinuha ko alam ko naman kung anong ibig sabihin ng kontrata. Sh!t. Did he thought I was a real bummer? Hindi ba at siya nga ang naloko ko? So he was the one who's stupid. "Ano 'to?" "Printed paper, perhaps." His voice was laced with sarcasm. He planted his hands on his hips. Tinitigan akong maigi. "What's this for?" "You have two options: One, pay me the five million pesos. Really, ang interes sa bangko ay umabot ng half a million. And because I wasn't that bad, hey," ngumiti ito at lumapit sa 'kin. I realized I was really a good painter after all. Because I had drawn this pig's face exactly the way he was evilly smiling at me! Nagpapatawa ba siya? Kaya nga siya pinikot ng kakambal ko dahil wala kaming pambayad 'di ba? Anong gusto niyang gawin ko? Malay ko bang papalpak pala ang plano ni Jean. Sana man lang nakapaglagay ako sa account ko mula sa kaban ni Julian bago nagkabukingan. Tsk. God, why didn't you even give me a sign? Or even a hint? Nakaupo ako kaya't nakatingala ako sa kanya. Hinawakan niya ang baba ko ng madiin. Tapos yumuko siya para magkatapat 'yung mukha namin. Buti na lang bagong toothbrush ako kanina. Magsalita ba naman sa tapat ng bibig ko! Swear, my goosebumps were showing. "I appreciated you prostituting yourself to me. So bayad na ang interes." Napatayo ako sa sobrang galit. "Ano?! Are you darn serious? It only cost Five hundred thousand?" Ganon ako ka-cheap? Sana man lang tinaasan niya kahit one million. Masakit kaya. I didn't even get any pleasure from it. Siya lang naman nasiyahan no. He stared at me incredulously. "I've had my fair share of women Jeannette, honey. And you're not the first virgin I've had." Galit na pinalandas nito ang daliri sa mga pisngi ko. I swallowed an imaginary lump in my throat. Seriously, I was afraid. I kept telling myself that it would be okay. Pero kailan ba naging okay ang magkautang ng Five million? I was dead before I knew it. "Go shoot yourself and go to hell." "You might do that honey. Aren't you going to ask what's the second option?" "Bakit ko pa itatanong, you'll tell me anyway." He cracked a knowing smile. 'Yung ngiting alam kong bukas patay na 'ko.
Aalilain niya ba 'ko? Was I going to age cleaning this damned house? Kinakalkula ko na sa utak ko kung magkano ang sweldo ng katulong... at ilang taon ko siyang makakasama sa impyernong bahay na 't-
"You'll give me an heir."
The bomb was dropped. Para iyong sumabog sa mismong tainga ko. Para akong mahihimatay. He wasn't dead serious, was he? Hindi. Hindi ako nakakaintindi ng English. It was just one of those corny jokes. That easy, eh? Tumawa ako. Tawa pa. Tapos tawa pa ulit. 'Yung tawa ng baliw. 'Yung kahit hindi nakakatawa pinipilit mong tumawa. Ganon. I even put one finger inside my left ear. Nadah. No spooky things. Then on my right ear. Wala din! WAS I GOING DEAF? "W-what... what are you talking about?" Nanghihinang napaupo ulit ako. "You heard me. Bigyan mo ko ng tagapagmana. An heir. 'Yung magdadala ng apelyido ko. Nine months... then you're free." He said nonchalantly. As if we were talking about the weather. Na para bang ang paggawa ng baby ay bato-bato-pik lang. "I'm... not your legal wife Julian. Baka nakakalimutan mo. Hindi pangalan ko ang naka-register sa marriage certificate."Feeling ko pinagbagsakan ako ng langit at lupa. Ganon ba talag siya kasama? "I've already had a lawyer examined it. Tama ka. It was null and void. It was your signature not your sister's." "'Yun naman pala eh, Jean's baby..." kinagat ko 'yung labi ko. I crossed my fingers. Sorry sa ipagsisinungaling ko pero"Isn't mine." He said smoothly. Napaungol ako. I gritted my teeth anguishly. Hindi na ako magpapanggap na buntis this time. Praise the Lord! Kung hindi mag-mamagic talaga akong magkaanak within nine months at ang tatay ay... Oh, my God. Syempre ang baby hindi basta lumalabas sa tyan ng babae yan. May process 'yan. May step one, two, three 'yan. Oh no! Gusto kong batukan ang sarili ko, kung makapag-react ako parang hindi pa kami nag-ano-'yung ano... alam niyo na 'yun. "I so hate you." "The feeling's mutual, my dear. So what is it?" "This is human violation. Wala kang karapatang... karapatang igiit sa
'kin ang marital obligations ko dahil hindi tayo mag-asawa!" Oh, my God... so all the while we were just living in sin together? Mga immoral. He looked like a wolf ready to eat his prey. Napaatras ako. "What would it be Jeannie, my bed's warmer than that of the jail's. Ikaw din," he shrugged. "Forcing a woman isn't my cup of tea, darling. Pero ikaw din, your choice." At itinaas nito ang legal na papeles na binayaran nito ang titulo ng lupa namin! He was wise. Unggoy! Napakatuso! I opened my mouth in disust. Forcing isn't his cup of tea? Oo hindi. Pambablackmail nga lang! "This is pure blackmail!" "No, dear, it's what you called persuading. A businessman's stock in trade." He smiled evilly. My phone started ringing. "Jean! Baka nakakalimutan mo 'yung reunion natin mamaya." I groaned inwardly. NO!
REUNION. Bakit kailangan ko pang magpanggap na si Jean? Alam na naman ng lahat. Well, except for the press. Ang press! I smiled. Bakit hindi ako lumapit sa mga iyon at ilabas ang baho ni Julian? He was after all, a public figure. "Don't you ever dare," he hissed. Nabasa niya ang isip ko! Wow. May psychic ability na ba ito? He glared at me. Nakita niya akong papalapit sa isa sa mga ito. No doubt. Nakalimutan ko, Jean was infamed for her swimming ability. "Hello Jean." The woman smiled at me. Syempre ngiti rin ako kahit na nga ba never ko pa siyang nakita sa tanang buhay ko. "Hi..." Then she turned sweetly at Julian. "I heard about it, bakit hindi mo man lang kami inimbitahin?" Gusto kong isigaw: Sino bang kinakausap mo? Ako o si Julian? Kung makangiti naman labas lahat ng ngipin! She flipped one hair expertly. Flirt. Hindi nakaligtas sa matalas kong paningin. Julian smiled back. Very charming ang loko. "Hindi nga ako nagkamali..." The woman raised one brow at me. Hindi nga ako nagkamaling hindi ka imbitahin! "Saan?"
"Irene!"
So Irene pala ang pangalan ng makiring kaibigan na ito ni Jean, huh? "Brad?" Uh-oh. Julian grabbed my waist as if he wouldn't want me away from him. Brad stared fixedly at us. Lalo na sa'kin. "Hi..." Dahil assuming ako alam ko, sa 'kin patungkol 'yun. Sa 'kin siya nakatingin eh. Later everybody was dancing. I smiled here and there. Nagkalayo kami ni Julian. Parang siya nga ang nagre-reunion. They were all bugging him. The business tycoon. The handsome debonair. Kaya lalong lumalaki 'yung ulo. I snorted. I went out of the parking lot to get my cell phone from the car. I was quite surprised when a hand caught mine. "Jean told me everything." "Buti naman." I sighed. At least hindi na niya 'ko hahalikan ulit. "I'm sorry." "It's okay." I shrugged. Malapit na kami dun ng matigilan ako. Namilog ang mga mata ko-
Julian was standing there. Well, that was... fine. Kung 'fine' nga bang matatawag ang halos pagyakap ng babae dito! Their faces were inches away from each other. Kung makalingkis. Sawa? Hindi naman ito Zoo 'di ba? I gritted my teeth in anger. "Brad kiss me." "What? Jeannie, alam mong hindi pwed-" "I said kiss me." Galit kong sabi. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung bakit ito pinagpalit ni Jean eh, nakakasama din pala ang masyadong gentleman ngayon. "Brad sige paaaa... don't stop kissing me!!!" I shouted. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Julian's frown. Papalapit na sila. "Jeannie, this isn't righ-" I grabbed Brad's lapels and kissed him right on the mouth. Parehas tikom ang bibig namin. I moaned aloud. For the benefit of others! EIGHTEEN I didn't want to hate men in general but it seemed to be in their nature to be unlikable. Bakit ba hindi sila makuntento sa isa? Bakit ba 'yun na lang palagi ang problema nila? Nung ginawa naman si Adan, loner siya 'di ba? Pinagbigyan na nga siya ni God. Abusado. Now I know. Eve just tolerated being with Adam. No choice eh. And take note: Eve was the only woman back then. The next thing I knew Julian and Brad were grappling. Kinuha ni Julian ang lapel ni Brad at binalya. I was too stunned to react. Grabe, para akong nanunuod ng action movie.
"Julian no!" I screamed. Nakita kong pumutok ang labi ni Brad. Syempre kahit pagbali-baligtarin ko man ang pangyayari. Ako ang may sagot kay Brad! I winced as Brad punched back. Pinipilit kong gumitna pero natabig ako. Sa bilis ng pangyayari hindi ko na alam kung sino sa kanilang dalawa. The woman was just standing there. Gusto ko siyang sabunutan! Sino ba siya? This was all her fault. "Julian, I said stop it!" Tili ko at gumitna ako. Brad was badly beaten. Nakita kong papatay talaga si Julian. And I was frightened by the look in his eyes. I should have wore Hester's scarlet letter.
Para akong lulubog sa kahihiyan. There were flashes of cameras.
"Julian Sunico's wife was seen kissing her ex."
"God, nakakahiya, ano bang klasing babae 'yan."
"Maganda pa naman, makiri nga lang." Nasty gossips. Matutuwa na sana ako dun sa 'maganda', dinugtungan pa. I glared at whoever said that. They knew nothing! Mga taong walang magawa sa mundo kundi pagpiyestahan ang latest tsismis. "Brad are you okay?" I knelt down in front of him. Naawa naman ako bigla sa kanya. Julian pulled me roughly in the arm. At masakit 'yun ha! I screamed when he was about to kick-
"NO!" Niyakap ko si Julian ng mahigpit. He gave me that chilling stare that sent shivers down my spine. Na parang ako ang may kasalanan! Na parang hindi ko siya nakitang nakikipag-flirt sa ibang babae! Hinila niya 'ko sa braso. Pakaladkad. I saw Brad's purplish face with bruises. "Let go of me." I wanted to shout at him. "Get in." His voice was icy cold. Pabalyang ipinasok. No. Itinulak! Niya ako sa loob ng sasakyan. I gritted my teeth. Naumpog ako sa silya. There was not a bit of gentlemanliness in him. Paikot pa lang siya sa driver's seat ay binuksan ko ang car door para tumakbo. Damn. He was already seated. At na-automatic lock niya na ang buong sasakyan. "Julian how dare yo-!" He looked at me coldly. "You bastard!" Galit kong hiyaw. It was unlike any fury I'd had. Para
akong bulkang sasabog. I put all my force and slapped him. Once. Twice. I saw the registration of shock. I couldn't get enough. Hampas dito. Hampas doon. Anywhere my hand landed. Kung pwede lang na sipain ko siya. Sinuntok suntok ko ang braso niya. I was even making gurgling sounds. "What the hell are you d-ing." Nilalambing ka! We both gasped. Sa paghampas ko sa sugat niya ay nabitawan niya ang manibela. May paparating na malaking truck. We both screamed. Pareho kaming napakapit dito. He motioned the steering wheel to the left. Whew. Muntik na kami dun! My heart was thudding loud in my chest. "You should have killed me and-" He gave me that chilling look. I did shut up then. Hindi sa natatakot ako. Okay, natatakot ako sa itsura ni Julian. It was as if he would do just that. Without remorse. Naiisip ko pa lang na ipapa-salvage niya 'ko at itatapon ang kagandahan ko sa kung saang ilog. God, it boils my blood. Napatitig ako sa kanya. The muscles on his jaw flexed. "Decide now." My eyes grew wide. I swore my neck almost snapped sa mabilis na paglingon ko sa kanya. Hanggang ngayon ba iyon pa rin ang iniisip niya? "You very well know I can't pay you even if it's a one-year term." "Alam ko." Balewalang sagot nito. "Alam mo pala eh!" He smiled evilly. "I gave you a choice." "A choice?" I said with sarcasm. "Ang maging babymaker mo? Ha!" Holy crap. Gusto kong isigaw sa kanya na baka naapektuhan na ang utak niya. Did he think I can just bear a child and leave him to his father? "I suggest you go see a psychiatrist." Tumaas ang sulok ng bibig niya. There were bruises all over his face. Pero bakit ba gwapo pa rin ito kahit mukha itong may sungay sa paningin ko? "I might." He said bitterly. "Bumaba ka na," utos nito. I looked around me and I gasped. "You're dead serious." Really, Julian wouldn't resort to this. Pero gagawin niya na Jeannie! My mouth dropped open. Julian swung the door open."Baba." He hissed. I shook my head. "I said get out." I shook my head vigorously. "Get the hell out of my car." With matching every emphasis pa.
I shook my head forcefully and vigorously. Hindi ko na alam kung paano at anong kaibahan non. Basta to the highest level na talaga ang pag-iling ko. Kung kanina ay halos ipagtulakan niya 'ko papasok, this time was very much different. He was forcing me. Palabas. Sigaw kaya akong rape? "Fvck you Jeannie. Don't try my patience." He said silently. It was a mere whisper. Pero... pero... 'di ba may onting konsensya naman si Julian? Even the tiniest bit? Oh, my God. "I'd rather you do that Julian." Parang wala sa sariling nasabi ko habang nakatingin sa-
Sa Police Station.
I closed my eyes. Oh, no. I couldn't imagine myself there. Ang mukha ay nasa gitna ng mga rehas na bakal. Tapos may dumaang sasakyan. Isang barkadang malakas ang trip. In my predicament I wouldn't have noticed them or anyone else for that matter. Kahit na nga ba maghubad si Papa P sa harapan ko. Pero pwede rin. BUT they were even singing a verse of some song. And the title: Love the way you lie by Rhianna. Julian glared all the more. "Why can't you just let me go?" I whispered achingly. He tilted my chin up. He was speaking to me. In close range... as in close to my mouth. Kinilabutan ako. Pero syempre 'yung masarap na kilabot. My hair on the nape stood on ends. "Why should I? You're mine." The side of his mouth lifted sexily. Why did he have to do that? Was this one of his seductions 101?"You might be forgetting, I bought you for five million." Ganon lang ba talaga tingin niya sa 'kin? His property na pwedeng bakuran. My heart went out to him. Nakakaawa siya. He didn't know the meaning of love or even giving. Masyado siyang makasarili. "Paano kung babae maging anak natin?" "Anak ko Jeannie. Ikaw lang ang magdadala pero anak ko. And don't you ever dare sleep with Brad." He whispered and bunched my hair up roughly. "'Coz I'd kill both of you." I'd like to spit right onto his demonic face. Mabilis niyang pinakawalan
ang mukha ko at nag-drive na siya pauwi. I avoided eye contact with him. Ayokong makita niyang malapit na 'kong bumigay. My eyes were moist. I knew then that he won.
I agreed to his terms.
"CM, help me. I don't want the time to come that I would only feel hatred against Julian." I sighed as I clutched the wireless phone to my ears. "Hay nako Jeannie," Narinig kong naghikab si CM. "If I were you, gora na ako sa gusto niya. Is he... big?" "CM!" I swore I blushed to the roots of my hair. "Sus, 'yung katawan. Ano ba kasing iniisip mo? Masyado ng polluted 'yang utak mo. Chillax Jeannie. Syempre laging naka-coat and tie 'yang suplado mong asawa. Sana vinideohan mo."He giggled. I rolled my eyes ceilingward. Parang gusto kong sabunutan itong si CM. "Rowel's here." "Really?" One brow arched. Dati ko siyang manliligaw na artist din. "Yep. And he called me on the phone." "Why? Asking your whereabouts." CM said tersely. "Sus, if I know, isa pang Bebe 'yun no." Bibi? Bibi? "Bibi?" "Bebe Gandang hari. In short, bibigay pa lang." "Whatever." Sigaw ko sa kanya. "Next time videohan mo ha? Bigyan kitang hidden camera. Lagay mo sa CR 'pagnaliligo si Julian." Then I heard his monstrous laugh. 'Yung tawang pinipilit lumandi. Baritonong high-pitched. Why not? Pwede ko 'yung ipam-blackmail kay Julian. One theory I realized: The nice guys are ugly, the hot guys are jerks, and the hot-and-nice guys are gay. Why was it so? I had living proofs. Julian was one hell of a hot specimen. Wow. Ulam. CM? Geezers. One hell of a horse. He was naughty and nice. Yep. And very gay. As in. Tipong ikaw pa ang aagawan ng boyfriend. Rowel? Ahm. He was nice to me. He gave me flowers, gifts and a very gentleman. 'Yun nga lang... pwede siyang pang-S.O. (secret on) God, sorry. 'Yung tipong 'pagnaglakad kayong dalawa sa mall feeling mo ang
yaman mo. Kasi may kasunod kang boy. O kaya naman ang bait mo kasi... kasi... parang charity lang. Was I that bad? Pero sabi nga ni Andrew E. 'humanap ka ng panget at ibigin mong tunay'. Sana nga ganon na lang. Nakita kong umuulan sa labas. When I was a kid I never liked rainy days. Jean did. Sabi niya kasi kapag umiiyak over a jerk hindi siya maririnig ni Mommy. Malakas pa naman radar ng mga mothers, you know. I thought it was a bit odd of my twin to cry under the rain. Knowing Jean's eccentricity. But I found out I was doing the same thing. I found myself taking my shoes off and standing on Julian's lawn. I was stepping on his Bermuda grass, dancing under the rain. "Wooooh!" I shouted loudly. Wala akong pakialam kung pinagtitinginan man ako ng katulong ni Julian. O inakala nilang baliw na 'ko. I closed my eyes. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa mundo ay inilabas ko. I was sobbing profusely. As if there was no tomorrow. "Jeannie!" Kulog lang 'yun. "JEANNIE!" One hand grabbed my arm and swung me around. "Nagpapakamatay ka ba? Gusto mo bang magkasakit?" It was lightning. Nagsasalubong ang mga kilay nito at may payong na dala. Was he worried? I shook my head. Pilit kong sumasayaw at nagtampisaw pero hawak pa rin niya ang braso ko. Titig na titig siya sa 'kin. Feeling ko nga matutunaw ako. Pilit kong tinatanggal ang mga patak ng ulan sa mata ko. A mixture of tears and rain. He pulled me roughly into his arms. Nalaglag 'yung payong. "Julian..." Niyakap niya 'ko. I was wetting his tux. My God. I felt hot all over. I wrapped my arms around his neck. At sabay kaming bumagsak sa Bermuda grass. I was on top. We were both wet. "You are my baby." He brushed the straining hair on my forehead. Then I started crying on his chest. Why was it so hard to hate somebody who could hurt you the most? Somebody you never intended to fall in love with?
Napakatanga ng puso ng tao. There was hope.
Was he starting to care?
"Are we going to start the baby making process here and now?" I looked up. I wanted to smack his handsome face only if he didn't look amused. Okay na eh, pang-FAMAS na sana drama ko. Panira. NINETEEN Sometimes you'd wished that things were easier. That money was just a piece of paper. If only it didn't have any value. Na sana... hindi lang ako gustong i-detain dito ni Julian dahil sa 'utang' ko. I thought I was going to sneeze my head out. Grabe, I looked up at him. I wrinkled my nose.
Tapos... tapos...
"Hachuuuu!" There. On top of him. Under the rain. On his face. Gusto kong matawa sa itsura niya. Para bang hindi siya makapaniwalang ginawa ko talaga 'yun sa kanya.
"Bastos ka." He said in amazement. Ang lapit lapit ng mukha namin. Hindi kaya magkapalit kami ng mukha? I smiled at him. Tapos itinapat ko 'yung mukha ko sa mukha niya. I waited for him to do the next move. Syempre mahiya naman ako 'di ba? Hindi ko pa rin namang nakakalimutang babae ako. Halos maduling na kami sa titigan namin. My chest was flattened against his. Nakakahiya na talaga. So I closed the distance. LOL. Hello? This was so petty compared to what we'd done. I rubbed my nose against his. Eskimo kiss. Argh. Tapos malapit na... super lapit na... Nanunulis na 'yung bibig ko. I closed my eyes. I knew it. This was the magic moment. "I love you..."
Oh??? Uhhh... I couldn't believe it.
Julian was really saying those words?
Oh, my God. Was I effin' dreamin-g?
Tapos bigla siyang umubo.
"What do you think are you doing?" He asked na para bang nandidiri sa 'kin! I blinked thrice. Can you believe that? He did say he loved me, didn't he?
"Get off me... It was a joke."
"Ha?" Wow. I probably lost one screw earlier. Nung pagtalon ko kaya? "What joke? That you lov-e me?" No. Don't even tell me! It was all in my head? Was I that desperate? He winced. "Are you into drugs?" "I said I was kidding about you, me, making love in the rain. May sakit ka ba?" He said sarcastically. I screamed. I wasn't so sure. Kasi parang hinihila ako sa antok. I
closed my eyes. It was a great effort to slap the incredulity in his face. Narinig kong tinatawag niya 'ko. Pangalan ko. "Jeannie..."
"Jeannie..."
I thought my head was going to break into pieces. Ungol ako ng ungol. I opened one good eye. Oh God, Julian must have been an angel. In disguise. He proved to be tempting. Para akong lasing. Ang sakit sakit ng ulo ko. He was standing there, his wet shirt was clinging to his body. Napaungol ako lalo. "Why did you faint?" angil nito. "I did?" "No. You probably sleep walk your highness." "Will you stop that?" I frowned. Ano na naman bang pinagsisintir nito? His wet hair was clinging to his forehead. At ang mga kilay nito? Nagsasalubong na naman. What the heck, just seeing him standing there with his shirt loving his body to perfection was making me... ahm, hot. My eyes grew wide. Nakaupo ako sa couch! Basa. I moaned aloud. "I said stop it," he hissed and brushed his drenched hair. Ano bang problema nito? Gusto kong sumigaw pero wala akong lakas. Promise, my eyes almost bulged. Ni-rape niya ba 'ko? Bakit feeling ko para akong ginahasa? Ang sasakit ng mga kalamnan ko. Bakit hindi ko man lang nalaman? Sayang naman. "Ohhh..." My mouth opened in an indignant O. "Ano na namang kalokohan 'to? And stop doing... doing that." Napatingin ako sa kanya. Parang gusto niya na akong sakalin sa itsura niya. He knelt down in front of me. "What am I doing?" Badtrip na pinilit kong umayos ng upo. Wala namang pinainom sa 'kin si Julian 'di ba? Hindi kaya... nilason niya na 'ko? I groaned louder than the last. I couldn't breathe. Oh, my God. I tried to focus my eyes on him. Hingal dito. Hingal don. He was pacing to and fro. "Will you just shut up?" "Ex... cuse me?" Hindi na nga ako makahinga't lahat then he wanted me to shut up? He was always grumpy. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung friends sila
ni The Grinch. Pag-umpugin ko pa sila eh. "You sounded... you sounded..." "Sounded what?" "Like you are making out! For Pete's sake!" Ha? Grabe. I rolled my eyes heavenward. Sino bang may sabing ako lang pala ang nag-iisip ng hindi kanais-nais dito! Akalain mo 'yun, sabi ko na nga ba Julian had a pretty fix on me from the start. Tsk. Pakipot pa. "And stop staring at me like that! I know, I know, I'm handsome and you couldn't resist that. But it's as if... as if... you're going to eat me for dinner." Alam ba niya 'yung ibig sabihin ng salitang 'hambog'? No? I thought so. "Alam mo 'yung parang humalinghing na pusa?" My mouth dropped open. Inirapan ko siya. Then I imitated again... louder. "Ohhh... ohhh... Julian... Ohhh... YUCK! GROSS!" He just raised his brow and looked at me oddly. "I've heard thatbefore. FROM YOU." "May dictionary ka ba dyan?" He shrugged. "Do you ever know the word humility?" Okay na magsungit siya. Sigaw sigawan niya 'ko. Pero 'yung ipamukha niya sa 'king siya na lang ang natitirang lalaki sa mundo at handa akong halikan ang mga paa niya? It was abso-fvcking-lutely insane. He knelt down in front of me. Nakita kong basang basa na 'yung carpet. Oh well, hindi ko na kasalanan 'yun. I was still sucking in my breath ever so slowly. Bahala siya kung anong gusto niyang isipin. Basta 'wag niya lang asahanag maghuhubad ako sa harapan niya.
Hubaran niya 'ko!
Joke lang.
A slow knowing smile played about his kissable lips. Gosh. Para akong lalagnatin. The likes of Julian should be banned. Bakit hindi? Ang mga katulad niya ang dahilan kung bakit nagkakasala ang mga respetadong babaeng kagaya ko. He roughly cupped my left cheek. Our wet clothes felt so paper-thin.
Then his mouth landed on mine.
Forceful.
Rough.
Like the way he always used to. I felt his teeth nipped my lower lip. I moaned aloud. I was burning hot. Hotter. Then I closed my eyes. Para akong inaapoy. Hindi ba dapat Julian's kisses would send me straight to heaven? Pero bakit feeling ko hinihinila ako pababa sa impyerno?
Julian thought she was okay. But she lay passive. He frowned.
Jeannie fainted!
Napapikit ang mga mata niya. Kung akala niyang inaapoy sa pagnanasa si Jeannie. Well, he was definitely wrong. Inaapoy ito sa lagnat. Natatarantang binuhat niya ito. She was in and out of consciousness. Para siyang binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Namatay lahat... pati dun sa baba.
Naramdaman kong may nagbababa sa 'kin sa tiles. In my blurring vision I saw Julian hovering over me. Tapos dahan dahang bumaba 'yung mga mata ko dun sa kamay niya. Was he insane? We were in the shower room! Hanggang dito ba naman? I shrieked. "You mani... ac!" I hissed through my teeth. Hindi niya 'ko pinansin! Tuloy-tuloy lang siya sa pagtanggal ng mga butones. Sa sobrang gigil ni Julian. He ripped it off me! Goodness, gracious. Santisima! Naman si Julian oh. Walang patawad. Parang nawalang lahat ang panghihina ko. Sisigaw na talaga ako. "Julian noooo!" I screamed and wailed. The he pulled down my jeans. Doon, I made sure na nahirapan siya. Aba, ano sa tingin niyang ginagawa niya? Magpapatintero kami? Mahuli huli taya! I was going to try for another scream even though my throat felt
scraped. Galit na binuhat niya ulit ako. "Pakawalan mo 'ko!" "Pakawalan mo sabi ak-ooo..." Ginawa nga! Ibinagsak niya 'ko sa bathtub! He was really inconsiderate. "Pakawalan mo 'ko!!!" Tinakpan niya 'yung bibig ko. Anong akala niya sa 'kin bata?! I bit his hand. At wala akong pakialam kahit bumabaha ng mura sa shower room."Helllpppppppp..." And in fairness, hindi ko alam kung panong tili ang gagawin ko. The door burst open. Nanlaki 'yung mga mata ko. Pumasok si...
Mommy!
Jean!
At ang mga katulong!
"We heard you scream."
"Oh. My. God."
I swore, I wished that instant that I were a mermaid. Hindi ko alam kung anong lubog sa hindi punong bath tub ang gagawin. Kung kanina'y nagkakakawag ako, mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong yumakap ako kay Julian. He was a safe cover from the intruders. "What are you all doing here?" Julian smiled manically. Hindi ko gusto ang ngiting iyon. It meant catastrophe. "Anong masamang ginagawa mo sa kapatid ko?" Tili si Jean. Hinawakan nito sa balikat si Julian at pilit inaalis mula sa 'kin. I bit my lower lip. Julian smiled. "Ah," tapos... tapos... bibitawan niya 'ko. He was such a monster. Para hindi ako mahiwalay sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. "See? Your sister here wants me-Oh, no, pleaded with me to bathe her." Lumingon siya sa 'kin. They all gasped. Who said that killing a moron was against the law? Hindi ba pwedeng magbawas kahit isa? TWENTY
I hated him. Nang lumabas na silang lahat. I was trying to cover myself. Tinitigan niya 'ko. 'Yung parang hinuhubaran kung hindi ko pa alam na hubad na 'ko! I hissed. "Will you please get out?" I shouted at him. He didn't look pleased with himself. Gusto ko siyang lunurin sa bathtub. Then I'd make him eat the cake of soap. Hanggang sa magbula 'yung bibig niya. Tignan ko lang kung makahalik pa siya ng ibang babae. "What?" He asked innocently. Napalingon siya dito. "What what?" "You look as if you would kill." I smiled too sweetly. "Buti alam mo. Don't you want to ask who?" He just shrugged. Then he took the soap. "Anong gagawin mo?" I looked around me. Goodness, was this déjà vu? I had nowhere to go. Hindi naman ako kasya sa butas ng banyo. He smirked. Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. He shrugged. "Isn't it obvious?" My mouth dropped open. Then his hands submerged under the water. I gasped. Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko ng-Oh, my God. My stomach churned. I sucked in my breath.
He scrubbed my stomach. Oh-kay. "Julian... I have hands." Parang batang bulong ko. I really croaked, didn't I? Then I closed my eyes. At isinandal ang ulo ko sa bathtub. Darkness was pulling me down. Ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. "Ako ang bahala sa 'yo." That was only a snippet. A mere whisper. Bahala? Ha! If I know. There was something endearing about a man who said that he could take on the world for me. Sana totoo. Sana... hindi lang ako nananaginip. Julian wouldn't say something like that. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung mas pa kung sasabihin niyang: 'I'll kill you Jeannie'.
I woke up. Parang binabarena 'yung ulo ko. I looked at the alarm clock. Eight o'clock in the morning? I bolted upright. Kinapa ko 'yung sarili ko. Betty Boop PJs. Goodness. Julian bathed me! He dressed me up! What did he think of me? Barbie doll, eh? "Nooo..." I bemoaned. Biglang bumukas 'yung pinto. There Ken stood. Yep. Preppy Ken. Evil Ken.
With his bewitching smile. I groaned inwardly. Bumagsak ang katawan ko sa higaan. "Anong ginagawa mo dito?" bulong ko. No reply. Naramdaman kong lumubog 'yung kama sa gilid ko. Tumagilid ako. Patalikod sa kanya. Hmp. What did he think of me? Hard-to-get 'to no. Sabi nga ni mommy, ang mahirap kuhanin mahirap pakawalan. Gusto kong sabihing: Amuin mo 'ko... "Kumain ka na." He tapped my shoulder. Galit kaya ako. He tapped again my shoulder. "Hey, kumain ka na." I took the pillow and covered my ear. "Betty Boop! Kumain ka na." I opened my mouth in disgust. Mabilis akong humarap sa kanya. "Excuse me!" Gigil na humarap ako sa kanya. All at once my heart started hammering. My head was pounding. I gritted my teeth. Tapos bigla niya 'kong inabutan ng tablet. "Medicine." I arched one brow. Hindi ba niya 'ko papatayin? I looked at the tray in front of me. Breakfast. May takip iyon. Parang biglang kumalam ang sikmura ko. Unti-unti akong napangiti. He really had a sweet and caring side. This side of Julian that I wasn't used to. "Day off ng mga katulong." He even yawned. Ha! Grabe, parang utang na loob ko pa ang paggawa niya ng breakfast sa 'kin. Fine. Whatever. Binuksan ko 'yung silver cover. Confirmed. He was really going to kill me. No-more like poison me! My eyes stared incredulously. Surely I wasn't that fat. Surely... Anong tingin niya sa 'kin? BABOY? "Ano 'to? Kaning baboy?" "Why, thank you." He said with sarcasm. "Alam kong hindi uso sa mahihirap ang omelette. I understand." I gasped. I wanted to hit him with the lamp shade. My God."Omelette? Omelette? May bago na palang tawag sa sunog na kaning baboy ngayon?" "Will you just be grateful and eat?" He angrily shoved the plate of food on my lap. I was about to talk again when he thrust the spoonful of kaning baboy in my mouth. I chewed it. I glared at him. Hindi naman masama lasa niya. But still... mukha pa rin iyong darak. Pasalamat siya gutom ako. "Julian?"
He didn't reply. Basta hinalo lang niya ang pagkain. "Thank you. Bakit nga pala nandito sina mommy kahapon? Oh! I forgot to call CM. Sabi nga pala ni-" Thrust the food on my mouth. Forcefully. Wow. What a better way of saying 'Shut up Jeannie'. "Julian... wala na naman akong lagnat samahan mo 'ko mamaya kina-" Sumpak ulit. "Julian ano b-a!" "Will just give me peace Jeannie?" I opened my mouth to talk again. Ang kapal niya! Grabe. I wasn't giving him peace? "If I give you peace I won't talk to you. EVER." He started laughing. 'Yung tawang parang wala ng bukas. Sa paningin ko, parang nagkaroon siya ng dalawang sungay."Jeannie Rose Leviste? YOU? WON'T TALK?" Tawa. Tawa. Tawa. Naniningkit ang mga mata ko. Nakita kong napahiga siya kakatawa. He was even clutching his stomach. Napatingin ako sa unan ng masama. My hands were itching to take those and cover his"That would be the day Jeannie. Don't make me laugh. Sa daldal mong 'yan. Not talking would be the cause of your death." I really gasped aloud. Ganon pala huh?
I would have cried aloud if not for Uncle Bert and Julian's dad. We were both silent on the way here. Ang sinabi niya lang kanina 'we're going some place'. 'Yun lang! Goodness. Silence would really kill me. Gusto ko ng magsalita. Napapanis na ata laway ko. Nod. Smile. And be polite. Mamamatay nga ata ako. Julian smiled at me and raised his wineglass in a mocking salute. Inirapan ko siya. "Mabait na asawa ba itong si Julian hija?" Tanong ni Aunt Risan sa 'kin. I was tight-lipped and turned to his aunt. "Mabait po..." 'pag tulog. "Yes, Aunt Risan... my wife's very pampered. I even bathed her yesterday. We-" "Aherm! Aherm!" Malakas kong ubo. "And she loves me dearly" I would have gasped. Gusto ko ng ngatngatin ang plato o kaya ibato iyon sa kanya. They all laughed. "Didn't you, darling?"
Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko. The side of his mouth lifted slightly. He was challenging me. Hindi kami bati! Hindi ko siya papansinin! Argh. They were all looking at me. Waiting. "See? Silence means yes." I was true to my promise. Nagsasalita siya. Deadma lang ako. Parang balewala lang naman sa kanya. He just kept on talking. Well, most of the time. Alam kong nananadya lang siya. It was difficult ignoring someone who didn't want to be ignored. In short, simpleng papansin. I was trying to find the comfort room. Tapos napatapat ako sa library. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam. I was about to turn away when some snatches of the conversation caught my attention. "You have to tell him! You can't just keep this damned secret forever." Tumaas 'yung kilay ko. Wow, ha. Parang teledrama lang. I sighed. I wasn't really eavesdropping. Kasalanan ko bang halos rinig na ng buong bahay ang pag-uusap nila? Sus, I was just a very keen-observer. At sabi nga, 'yung mga taong curious 'yun 'yung matatalino. "You know I can't. He'll hate me." I frowned. The voices were familiar. "Nagsasawa na 'ko sa ganito. Ikaw ang may kasalanan ako ang umaani! She never loved me so I got tired of waiting for her. She loved you damn you!" Silence descended. I would have turned around and walked away. "When will you tell Julian about his true parentage, Bert? When will you take all the blame and this buuullshit end? TELL ME!" Parang may bombang sumabog. I was rooted to the ground. My hands were cold and clammy. It was as if they (Julian'ssupposed dad and... Uncle Bert) told me that it was the end of the world. Nanghihinang naglalakad ako. My knees were going to buckle. Parang bumalik ang sakit ng ulo ko. Sabi ko na nga ba. Ito ang napapala ng mga tsismosa. "Jeannie?" I almost jumped in surprise. "What are you doing here?" I swore, I looked as if I'd seen a ghost. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanya? Julian your family wasn't supposed to be who they were. You hated lies. But then all your life you were living a big damned lie. Poor you. Hindi kaya pulutin ako sa kalsada 'pagsinabi ko 'yun? Pam-blackmail! Tama. He frowned and sighed. "Kanina pa kita hinahanap." His whole being would surely break into a thousand pieces. Naiisip ko pa lang ang mga gagawin niya'y kinikilabutan na 'ko. Would he slash his wrists? No. He would break furnitures and lashed at people. At unang una ako sa mga taong iyon. He rolled his eyes. "Ayusin mo sarili mo." He ordered. "Uuwi na tayo."
Inabot ko ang kamay ko sa kanya. He raised one brow at me. Parang sinasabi ng tinging iyong 'akala ko ba hindi tayo bati?'. Nangangalay na braso ko ah. He turned around and just walked on! I saw the way he carried himself like the king of the world. His broad back was turned to me. Parang may sariling isip ang mga paa ko. Ang katawan ko. Ang bilis ko. As in.
I ran to him. And hugged him from behind. Ang lakas ng impact. Nasaktan pa nga 'yung dibdib ko sa pagtama sa likod niya. But it didn't even bother me. I cushioned my head against his back. "What are you doing?" He said softly. Habang pilit pang tinatanggal 'yung kamay ko sa harap niya! I tightened my hands around his middle. "I'll tell you something you don't know." "Hmm?" Humigpit bigla 'yung kapit niya sa 'kin. I hiccupped through his shirt. Sipon. Luha. Laway ko. Sabihin niya ng kadiri ako. Bubugbugin ko siya ng kiss. "You need me. And I bet, you can't live without me." He started laughing demonically. For the first time I rendered pity for the high and mighty Julian Sunico. TWENTY ONE We went straight home. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Akalain ko bang hindi ko matiis and 'dyablong' si Julian? I could have gone straight to a reporter or to any journalist. Pero hindi ko ginawa. It was one hell of a secret. Uncle Bert was his dad. And the one he grew up with was really his uncle. Ang gulo no? Kasing gulo ng utak ni Julian. Kaya nga ba mas close siya sa Uncle Bert niya? Kaya nga ba... nag-divorce ang parents niya? If this secret would spill out, for sure he would blame himself for the separation. I smiled mischievously. Kaya tatanawin niya sa 'kin itong isang malaking utang na loob. He sighed exaggeratedly. "Baliw ka na ba?" He said drily while looking at me in disgust. Tandaan mo Jeannie may malaking utang na loob siya sa 'yo. Well, he might not know yet but he'd thank you later. "May utang na loob ka sa 'kin." Umiling-iling ito. Parang sinasabing 'nasiraan na nga talaga'. If he'd only known. And because I wasn't that bad I hoped God and St. Peter was looking right down at me-us. Eh, 'di one ganda... okay, one baet point na 'ko. Bumaba na kami ng sasakyan. And because he was very much a gentleman. He didn't even bother to open the door for me. I fell in step beside him. Parang hindi niya napapansin na kasama niya 'ko. Ever since that phone
call earlier. Na hindi ko man lang alam kung sino. Later that night I went to sleep early. Julian was in the study room fussing over documents. Hindi ko na siya pinakialamanan. Nagsusungit na naman. I couldn't breathe a little. Parang may nakadagan sa katawan ko. Half of my body was covered by... somebody. I sighed pleasurably. The hands tightened around my midsection. In my dreamy state, I snuggled closer. Masarap palang matulog ng may katabi. Katabi! Then it clearly dawned on me. Somebody was sleeping beside me! My eyes grew wide. I almost screamed. Ni-lock ko 'yung pinto kanina. And... and... Julian never slept with me. Madilim. The man's breath was fanning my cheek. I started pushing. Pinipilit nitong pigilan ang mga kamay ko. Then I pushed him hard. "Sleep." One word uttered. Pero utos pa rin. "You scared me..." inis na bulong ko. Balewalang dumagan ulit siya sa 'kin! Na parang bata. Ano ba. Didn't he know that he was way bigger than me? He covered half of my body. My chest was flattened against his. Ang ulo nito ay parang batang isiniksik sa leeg ko. A person seemed vulnerable when asleep. "Why are you in my room?" Bulong ko. "Julian..." ungot ko. Niyugyog ko 'yung balikat niya. Naghilik siya. Niyugyog ko ulit. Lalo niyang nilakasan 'yung paghilik. Ah, ganon. "Alam mo ba Julian na nakakainis ka? Nawala na 'yung antok ko dahil sa-" He covered my mouth! Inis na tinatanggal ko iyon. "Yuck." "Excuse me?" "Bad breath." Ang KAPAL! Mabilis na itinapat ko ang palad sa bibig at bumuga buga. Hindi naman ah. I heard him chuckle. Nakiliti ako sa paghinga niya sa leeg ko. Seconds later, he was fast asleep. Mabaho ba 'ko? For the first time. Hindi man lang ako pinagtangkaan ni Julian. I tenderly caressed his hair. Maybe... Julian needed some loving after all. This might be heaven.
Hell. He wasn't talking to me the whole day! I woke up with the empty side of the bed. Inamoy amoy ko pa man din 'yung unan na hinigan niya! Tapos 'pagdating ng breakfast hindi ako papansinin? Grabe. May alzheimer's na ata. Then he went to work. No phone calls. He came back late that night. I was going crazy with boredom. "Julian san ka kumain?" He shrugged. Dirediretso sa study room niya. Gigil na sinundan ko siya. Inumang ko 'yung kamao ko sa likod niya tapos humarap siya. I smiled sweetly. "Leave me alone." Three words. My God. "Tinatanong lang naman kita. Bakit ba ang sungit sungit mo-" He slammed the door in my face! I was so shocked. Nakalimutan ba niya? He cuddled with me last night! I thought we were okay? Ngayon ko napatunayang maraming nadidisgrasya sa akala. I angrily swung the door loud enough. My eyes slowly widened...
He was gloriously buck-naked.
I covered my eyes with my hand. With gaps between my fingers. Unfortunately, arhm scratch that, luckily his back was turned to me. He wore his underwear not a whit about me ogling-standing there. Hello? Hindi ko kaya nakita! Wala kaya akong nakita. But my, wasn't that my weakness? Men with nice rounded butts. Then I looked over my shoulder. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. 'Yung isa naming maid nakatayo din! Promise, her eyes were big and even her mouth was a big O. Lapastangan! Tinitigan ko siya ng masama. "Ah, napadaan lang ma'am." Sabay biglang takbo. Hawak pa 'yung walis. Parang balewalang naglakad siya papunta sa closet. Sige magpanggap kang wala ako dito. Gigil kong sabi. I slammed the door loudly in effect. "Nice butt." "I know." I rolled my eyes ceilingward. "What are you doing?" I frowned when he started putting his clothes in a traveling bag. Traveling. Travel. Aalis. "May pupuntahan tayo?" Umupo ako sa gilid ng kama. Hindi niya ako
pinansin. Basta lagay lang siya ng lagay ng gamit. He put on a shirt and his rugged jeans. He could really be attractive and sexy without trying. "Julian!" "Oo Jeannie narinig kita. Aalis tayo Jeannie." Sabi ko sa sarili ko at ginawa pang puppet na nagsasalita ang kamay ko. "I'm going to Las Vegas for a business trip. A week." "Tayo?" Nagmamadaling tinignan pa nito ang wrist watch. Parang hindi gumagana 'yung utak ko. He was going away. For a week! Na hindi man lang ako kasama? Ang galing. CM was waiting Anong ginagawa without a word muna kita." CM
for me downstairs. Nagulat ako. He even smiled at me. nito dito? Julian put his luggage in the compartment to me. "Your hubby called me on the phone. Samahan daw said from behind. So planado ito? Ganon ba?
"Why didn't you tell me?" Galit kong harap sa kanya. He studied his nails. "Kung ako lang Jeannie mas gusto kong maiwan kasama 'yung asawa mo." "Kung ako lang din CM mas gusto kong maiwan kasama ng asawa ko!" Mabilis na sumakay ako ng sasakyan. We were all quiet. One week. One week kong hindi makikita si Julian? Argh. Okay lang 'yun! Mabuti nga 'yun. Nobody would torment me. No one would shout at me. I One more week of not abiding that damned contract. THE HELL I CARE! "Jeannie!" "Ano?!" Galit kong harap kay Julian. Para akong robot. I didn't even notice that we were already inside the airport. At saka lang ito ngumisi sa 'kin. He moved toward me. Tapos pinisil niya 'yung baba ko. I couldn't say anything. Naiinis ako sa kanya! Kahit 'wag na siyang bumalik. I pouted. Oh, 'di ba kapag naka-pout nanunulis 'yung lips? Hindi man lang makaramdam! Tapos nakita ko sa likod si CM. He was mouthing: "Kiss." He even demonstrated with his hands. Kinilig pa ang bruha. "dangsin-ibogo sip-eulgeoya" I'll miss you. I was a little absorbed with my emotions. Tapos tinalikuran niya na 'ko. I was trying hard not to look at his back while walking away. Ang O. A. ko. Wala naman talaga akong pakialam. I dabbed the moisture in my eyes. Mabo-bored lang siguro ako kaya ako nagkakaganito. Wala na 'kong yayamutin. Teka. Parang baligtad? Whatever. "Anong sinabi niya?" I stared blankly at CM. Oo nga. Anong sinabi niya? Hindi kaya minura ako ni Julian?
TWENTY TWO Four full days. No phone calls. Not even a word. Kahit man lang 'hoy' wala. Ni hindi man lang nag-alalang tumawag para itanong kung buhay pa 'ko. O binabaon ko ba siya sa utang through his credit card. I ate silently at the breakfast table. Ang laki-laki ng bahay ako lang naman at si CM. He was even immersed in painting a landscape. Parang nakalimutan ko nga ding magpinta. I realized then that my world started revolving around Julian. How was that? Nakahiga lang ako. I was hugging Julian's pillow tightly. Baliw na ata talaga ako. I sniffed it. I didn't miss him. I didn't even remember him. I was just plain bored. That was it. Inis na binato ko ang unan niya sa kama. Tapos tinalon talunan ko iyon. I sat down while panting. I punched the pillow like it was his face. I rolled on my stomach and covered the pillow over my head. "Jeannie..." That bolted me upright. "Julian?" Badtrip. I shouldn't have mentioned that name! CM was giving me those slow teasing grins I hated these days. "Namimiss mo na no?" Sabi nito at umupo sa tabi ko. I smirked at him. Me? Missing him? Bull. "That would be a cold day in hell." Inis na humiga ulit ako at tinalikuran siya. "So, you don't miss him?" Umupo ulit ako. I didn't like CM's expression. Bakit ko mamimiss 'yung taong lagi naman akong inaaway? Why should I miss him when he didn't even remember me? Ano ba ang one-minute call sa 24/7? I stick to my viewpoint that if a person valued you that much however busy he was he'd take time even a minute to text you. Meron tayong bente kwatro oras sa isang araw. Anong ginagawa niya? Dinadaig si Bill Gates? Tsk. "Hindi! Hello. Kahit 'wag na siyang bumalik." "Oh?" "I don't care if you don't believe me CM." "Ahh..." he nodded indulgently. "Eh, bakit ka nagmumukmok?" "Ako? Nagmumukmok? My God CM. I'm just resting. Mamaya mag-celebrate tayo tutal wala naman dito si Julian." I forced my muscles to move. Smile Jeannie. "Okay." CM said.
He stood up from my bed. "Sayang sasabihin ko pa man sana sa 'yong tumawag kanina si Julian... Well, because you're not interested never mind." I gasped and glared at him. Kitang kita kong parang hinayang siya. Naiinis ako sa mga taong magkukwento tapos mambibitin! My hands were getting itchy to wring his neck. I gnawed the inside of my left cheek. CM won! I hated them both. "Anong sabi niya?" "Hindi ka naman interesado, 'di ba?" Sakalin ko kaya 'tong si CM? Once lang. "Just curious." I said nonchalantly. "Tama." CM said. Pilit ginagaya si Ann Curtis. He gave me that eat-your-heart-out smile. Tapos tinalikuran niya 'ko at isinara ang pinto 'paglabas. To my astonishment, my mobile started ringing. I almost tripped with the blanket in a hurry to get to my cell phone in the drawer. Nagmamadali ako. Bakit ba kasi nilock lock ko pa 'yung drawer? Stupid of me. Eee. My hand was trembling. It stopped ringing just when the key turned in. Boom. It opened. Bwisit. Alam mo naman si Julian napakapasensyoso! I gritted my teeth and sighed. Tatalikod pa lang sana ako ng tumunog ulit iyon. I reached for it under my accessories along with other swell stuff. I didn't even look at the screen.
"Hello Julian?"
"Jeannie kain na tayo!"
Sh!t. Double Sh!t. The door opened. Argh. CM!!! I wanted to wipe the grin off his face. Para akong tangang hawak hawak 'yung cell phone sa tenga ko. Gusto kong ipakain sa kanya iyon. How could he be my friend? He had done nothing but to humiliate me. Big time, dude. "Sorry na." I hissed and stared at him pointedly. Huwag lang talaga siyang makalapit-lapit. Mauubos talaga buhok niya sa 'kin. We ate dinner serenely. I couldn't eat that much. It tasted ashes on the tongue. Umiinom ng isang tasang kape si CM.
"You should understand your husband, you know." I looked at him squarely. "I don't want to be the bearer of bad news Jeannie." "What bad news?" "Pabagsak na ang negosyo ng mga Sunico. They lost millions. 'Yun ang narinig ko." Parang hindi ko ata naintindihan ang mga sinabi ni CM. This was just one of his grand jokes, wasn't it? Si Julian? Bankrupt? Bugger. "I'm sorry Jennie. It's the truth." I went to bed that night with my head pounding so hard it hurt. Why didn't he tell me a thing or two about it? Wala ba talaga akong silbi para sa kanya? It seemed a lifetime since I signed that marriage contract. Eight months? Ten? Ang tagal ko na din palang pinagtyatyagaan si Julian. That was the last of my conscious thoughts. I slept like the dead.
He opened the door and slid inside the semi-darkened room quietly. The light flickered from the lamp shade were casting shadows on the wall to the woman sleeping serenely on the bed. Maingat niya itong pinagmasdan. He found himself smiling oddly. She was one thing he didn't need right now. The word complication was written all over her face. And his fingers were itching to put an L word on his forehead. He was a major loser. The investors in Las Vegas were pulling out. Bankrupt. That was the most hateful word in a businessman's vocabulary. He couldn't afford to lose his heritage. Angko's footprints. "Julian..." She turned to the side. At nalilis ang kumot mula dito. Marahang humiga siya sa tabi nito at tumagilid. He cuddled her in spoon fashion. Lumapat ang likod nito sa dibdib niya. Even in deep slumber she came to him willingly. He kissed her nape softly. She stirred in her sleep. His mindset was shouting he didn't need her. His heart told him otherwise. Ang hirap kapag magkalaban ang puso at ang utak. At mas mahirap ipaglaban ang isang bagay na alam mong matagal ka nang talo. "dangsin-eul salanghabnida." I love you. He knew those facts might kill him. He didn't really know what bullsh!t happened to him. It was just that... he was afraid to get too attached. There was nothing constant and permanent in this world. Weren't his mother and father a one great example? He was a very cynical man.
Jeannie could disappear one day. And he was afraid of this from the very first fvcking day he met her. TWENTY THREE I woke up with a start. I stretched my arms. Disoriented, my left arm jabbed something. Someone groaned beside me. Parang slow motion na unti-unti akong tumingin sa gilid ko. My eyes grew wide. Ine-expect ko bang nandun si Sadako? Oh great. I was like... 'was I dreaming?' 'Di ba merong seven days in a week? Nagkamali ba ako ng bilang? Pang fifth day pa lang ngayon ah! Maybe he wasn't Julian! A twin? I shook my head rapidly. He looked a bit disoriented. He opened one good eye. Tapos pumikit ulit. "Julian." I whispered. He grunted. "Huy, Jules..." Tinalikuran niya 'ko! Oh-kay. But... but hey I had this dream last night. He was whispering what seemed like love words to me. Ayt. Sabi ko na nga ba, kabaligtaran ang nangyayari sa totoong buhay. I pouted. Tapos humarap ulit siya sa 'kin. Before I knew it his arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer. Napasubsob ako sa dibdib niya. And my! His chest was uncovered. Napatingala ako sa kanya. He had an eight o'clock stubbles about his cheeks. Goodness, I thought men with stubbles looked messy before. Now, Julian changed the word messy to SEXY. Oooh lala. I was really dreaming! Oh, God. Kukurutin ko sana 'yung braso ko. Tapos nakita ko 'yung biceps ni Julian. I slowly smiled. Why not? I pinched him slowly and ever so painfully. Parang kagat lang 'yun ng langgam. "Damn, what the-" Confirmed. Si Julian nga! Nagsasalubong ang mga kilay nito. Tapos 'yung tingin na 'yun yung para akong hinuhubaran? "Are you insane?" Inis na lumayo siya sa 'kin. I winced. Hinuhubaran? More like sinusunog. "Nanggigil lang naman ako," I pouted. He regarded me with incredulity. Na para bang nababaliw na 'ko! Tapos tumayo na siya na parang walang pakialam. Uh-oh. "What!" Inis niyang tanong habang hinahanap 'yung jeans niya! Yes. Jeans. I gulped. Why couldn't I close my eyes? "Why... do... you have no clothes on?"
Not a stitch!
A slow smile cracked about his lips. Oh, God Jeannie look elsewhere but him! Tingin sa ceiling. Tingin sa lampshade. Tingin sa flooring. Sa kama. But not at him. I swore I blushed to the roots of my hair. Hello? It was daytime! Tapos tumatagos pa 'yung sinag ng araw mula sa sliding door. "Who are you asking me or the bed?" I looked him in the eyes. Not lower Jeannie! But hey, I was a bit tempted. Just a bit. "Why... do... you have no clothes on?" I parroted. Grabe magkaka-stiff neck ata ako kakatingala sa kanya. Naninigas na 'yung leeg ko. He planted his hands on his hips. Na para bang walang pakialam. Why, men had no modesty! "I slept in my birth suit." As in... nada? Meaning, if I would be living with him forever... I couldn't imagine. "I know... you want me now Jeannie. But I'm tired. I lacked sleep. Kailangan ko pang pumasok." He said forlornly. Ang kapal! I shrieked when he pulled my feet from the bed. Para kaming naghahabulan sa maliit na kama. Hinila niya talaga ako. I clutched the headboard. Tapos nagtititili ako. He tickled me in each side. Grabe, malakas kaya kiliti ko. He then hugged me like I weighed nothing and carried me to the bathroom. Tumalikod ako sa kanya ng tumayo na siya sa harap ng salamin. I hated him! Hindi na siya nahiya sa ayos niya. He chuckled.
Nangangalay na 'ko. I gritted my teeth. Inis na humarap ako. He had already a towel on. Ayy, sayang! LOL. He gave me that come-on smile. My, was he seducing me? It wasn't working! It was oh-so-tempting. Tapos inabot niya sa 'kin 'yung toothbrush ko. Mayamaya lamang we were brushing our teeth side by side. Kinikilig talaga ako. He was silent. But our eyes met through the mirror. Geezers. It was un-Julian to do those things for me. I was like in fairy land for three more weeks. Feeling ko ang bilis humaba ng buhok ko. Well, he wasn't that showy. Pero... Julian toned down a bit. Oo, naninigaw pa rin siya. He often scowled. Pero ngumingiti na rin siya ngayon. Some things changed in him after his business trip. Ano kayang pinakain kay Julian don? Mabili nga din. Para may one-year supply ako ng No-Julian-Tantrums. Na-realize niya sigurong mahirap ng makahanap ng isang Jeannette Rose
Leviste sa buong mundo. He even made it a point to dine with me at night. I woke up having him beside me. 'Yun nga lang. Julian didn't mention anymore about my debt or the baby making contract. Not that I was disappointed. Nanghinayang lang. Anyhow, he became a bit gentler with me. A bit. "Jeannie!" Sabi ko sa inyo a bit lang eh. I winced as I saw him striding down the stairs. Lukot na naman ang mukha. "What did you do with my things?!" "What things?" Painosente kong sabi. Tapos nagbuklat ako ng magazine. He ripped the magazine off my hands and threw it wherever it landed. "Ginalaw mo na naman 'yung mga gamit ko! Even my baseball bat is missing." I pouted. Alin 'yun baseball bat niyang may nakalagay pang 'From me to you?' YUCK! "I don't know." I shrugged. Tapos naghikab ako. "That's Tricia's birthday gift to me." Parang nag-init 'yung ulo ko. "Kung gusto mo kunin mo sa attic! The hell I care if it was even the Queen of England's gift to you! Ayoko kasi ng maraming basura sa room ko!" Bwisit. I should have been understanding. Pero hello? Kailangan pa bang ipamukha sa 'kin na regalo 'yun ng ex niya? EX na nga 'di ba? Meaning X, blacklisted na. "Akala ko ba hindi mo alam? Listen to me sweetheart." My mouth almost dropped open. I thought he was going to tell me 'go to hell'. Well, he really was a changed man. Muntik na kong kiligin dun. Hinarap niya 'ko. "Tricia gave it to me on my 21st birthday. In exchange I gave her a sculpture of Venus de Milo." Parang tumaas lahat ng dugo ko sa ulo ko. See? He even gave Tricia a very luxurious gift! Ako? WALA. "Tricia's a part of the past." He sighed. "Okay. I'm not good with explaining myself." He sighed exaggeratedly. Tapos nanulis 'yung bibig ko. Alam mo ba 'yung feeling na gusto mong magpa-amo. Tipong mag-iinarte ka kasi gusto mong lambingin ka niya. Well, that would be asking for the moon. Because Julian was Julian. If he would just kiss me and tell me he was sorry then he wouldn't be Julian at all. I didn't want him to change. Hindi naman talaga masama ugali niya. I mean, okay fine, sometimes he was an assh0le. But I knew deep down he cared about me. "Nakakainis sa inyong mga babae, ang big deal ng nakaraan para sa inyo." I smirked at him. Tell me you love me and I'll forget you even dated
Tricia once upon a time.
"Anong ibig mong sabihin CM?" Nagkita kami sa Starbucks. Ewan ko ba dito kay CM. For me it wasn't even practical eating or even drinking a cup of coffee for how much! Tsk. Kung sa bagay, siya naman ang magbabayad. And hey, we could indulge in life's luxuries once in a while. "Babalik na 'ko ng States the day after tomorrow. Two weeks from now may gaganaping Fine Arts contest sa New York. You might want to join Jeannie?" Seryosong sabi nito. Once in a while. Matino namang kausap 'tong si friend. I glanced at him. "Anong isasali ko? Wala pa nga akong napipinta simula dumating ako dito." Nanghihinayang ako. He slowly smiled at me. Hindi ko gusto 'yung ngiting iyon ni CM. "Paint Julian while sleeping nude. Winner!" Tumili pa siya. My, had CM stashed a hidden camera in our room? "Mga ka-federation ko ata ang judges. For the win 'yun te!"Parang kinikilig na tumingala pa ito. Hindi ko na itatanong kung anong o much better sinong nilalapastangan niya sa isip niya. It was gross to even imagine. "Kung buhusan kaya kita ng kumukulong kape? Gusto mo?" I scoffed. CM's brow raised. He was looking right through me. Tapos lumingon ako. There was my... sister. And that guy. Vincent? Hmm. It was a little over a month and a half simula ng bukingan portion na 'yun. Her tummy's five months now. I felt a pang of envy. "Jeannie?" Tumili siyang lumapit sa 'kin. Then we hugged each other. She knew CM by the photos I e-mailed to her before. We chat a little for a while. Pero 'yung Vincent he was eyeing me like, argh, I didn't know. He gave me the creeps, you know. Ang kapal ko naman kung sabihin kung he was lusting after me, eh kung tutuusin I was my sister's dead ringer. No. There was something there. "Sana may baby na rin ako," I silently wished as I touched my sister's rounded stomach. "Jean let's go. It's time." Parang balewalang tumayo ito. At nauna na kay Jean. How rude. Were rich men born to be airheads? Julian for one. This Vincent was second on the Mr. Arrogant list. Was he treating my sister well? Ngumiti sa 'kin si Jean na parang ina-assure ako.
"Did you know why Julian's business got a downturn?" CM's eyes squinted at their backs. I frowned. Ngumuso ito kay Vincent. "Wait, what do you mean?" He shrugged. "My sister's well-informed. She's one of the cronies of Vincent. This time... he's got his revenge against the Sunicos. Nasulot niya ang mga investors ni Julian." I gasped. "You're kidding me." He shrugged. "That one's ruthless. Kaya nga nagtataka ko dyan sa kapatid mo. Who's her baby's father anyway? Isn't Brad her boyfriend?" Parang naguguluhang napatingin ako sa kanya. I hadn't thought about it. "I don't know. Who do you think?" Mahina kong sabi. He shrugged. "Bakit ako tatanungin mo kayo ang kambal 'di ba? Anyway, baka naman 'nag-eenie mini mynie moe 'yang kapatid mo? Sino sa tatlo ang tatay ng anak ko?' Sosyal." "Jean's not like that." My phone started ringing. "Hello?" "Umuwi ka na. Ngayon din. We have a flight to catch." "Julia-" I gritted my teeth in anger. He cut the line off. Just like that. Akala ko ba nagbago na siya? Mabilis akong tumayo. Then my vision became blurry. My head was spinning. Goodness, napakapit ako sa silya. "Jeannie? Are you okay?" Okay? Itanong ko kaya kung okay lang na sukahan ko siya? I groaned. "CM." "What?" I threw up on him. Pero parang wala namang laman ang tyan ko. "You're gross. Hindi kaya... buntis ka ba?" My head swam with all the possibilities. Oh, no. Could it be? As mommy told me, be careful what you wished for 'coz you just might get it.
TWENTY FOUR I stared at myself in the mirror. May nagbago ba? Nag-pose pa ako. Raised my hand then pouted my lips. Na-realize kong ang sagwa pala. Hindi pwedeng artista Jeannie. Artist yes. But not as an artist slash actress. I laughed silly at myself. I know, I looked pale. Kinakabahan ako habang hinihintay ko ang result
ng PT. CM even suggested we go to the OB. Pero ayoko. If ever na totoo man syempre 'yung tatay ng anak ko ang gusto kong kasama. I yanked my tee shirt up. It had been about a month and a half since that night. Siguro magiging car racer anak ko 'paglaki. Why not? Sa kotse siya nabuo. I giggled. Then I slowly peeked at it with one eye. Plus sign. Positive? "Malamang Jeannie, kelan ba naging negative ang plus sign?"Parang nababaliw na sabi ko sa sarili. Naiiyak na napaupo ako sa tiles. I wanted to cry and howl at the same time. What now? Paano kung igiit pa rin ni Julian 'yung baby making contract namin? I was so stupid. Bakit ko pa kasi pinirmapirmahan. He changed. But he didn't tell anything about us being together forever. We weren't even married legally! Dahil nga null and void ang marriage contract namin. So ano? Lalaking bastardo ang anak ko? Hindi ko napansing umiiyak na pala ako. I hugged my knees to myself. 'Yung hikbi ko naging hagulgol na. God, what would happen to me? I couldn't just give my baby up. Anak ko ito eh. Pinaghirapan ko kaya ang paggawa dito. Seriously, I was a bit disconcerted about mothers who left their children without a by-your-leave. Ano 'yun mga tuta? Basta na lang ipapamigay. Siguro may mga valid reasons sila. Well, I wasn't here to sit judgement on them. It was just that, it was difficult to carry extra pounds for nine months then you'd just... just... Argh. "I already love you baby JJ." I smiled and caressed my stomach. Juliet Jean if ever the baby's a she. And Jean(pronounced as John) Julian if a he. Tapos iyak na naman ako. Bakit ba ayaw tumigil ng mga luha ko? Parang gusto kong maglupasay. Biglang bumukas ang pinto. "We're going-" Nabitin ang pagsigaw nito. I swore I wanted to curse Julian. Gusto ko siyang makita. Lalo akong naiyak. Pero naiinis din akong makita siya at the same time. Ano bang problema ko? "What's wrong Jeannie?" I saw concern in his eyes. Gosh, I might mabilis na itinago sa likod ko. I wasn't tell him right away. Anong sasabihin ko, panagutan mo 'ko!' Baka sakalin ako nito
melt. Napakapit ako sa PT at so sure why I couldn't just 'Oi, Julian buntis ako ng wala sa oras.
I shook my head. Basang basa na ang mukha ko ng luha.
Tapos...
Oh, my God.
Tumulo 'yung sipon ko. Hindi ko sinadya 'yun no! "Gross." Disgusted, he whispered. At mabilis inilayo ang mga braso kong nakataas sa kanya. Para akong batang nagpapabuhat. I pouted then tears readily pooled down my eyes. Napakasama talaga ng ugali nito. He sighed. Naawa siguro sa 'kin at saka ako niyakap. Tapos pinipilit niyang nilalayo 'yung polo shirt niya sa 'kin. I gritted my teeth. Then I sniffed his shirt. He groaned. "Jeannie! What is wrong with you?" Wala siyang choice. Sabi ko. Niyakap ko siya. Then I sniffed again. Parang nangasim 'yung sikmura ko. "Layuan mo 'ko!" "What!" "I said get away from me!" "Excuse me?" He looked at me incredulously. Para akong masusuka. Hindi ko gusto ang amoy ng pabango niya. Masyadong matapang. "Jeannie stop this nonsense okay? Kung umaarte ka na naman tigilan mo na 'yan. Aalis tayo ngayon din. Mamayang gabi na 'yung flight. And-" I shoved him away from me. Tapos tinampal ko 'yung bibig niya. Before I could even say stop sniggering at me my stomach turned upside down. Umiiyak na sumuka ako sa bowl. Kadiri man halos isubsob ko na ang mukha ko sa bowl. "Jeannie!" "If you want to fly to the moon, fine with me. Go ahead. Mauna ka na! Hindi ako sasama!" He scowled. That kind of beast scowl he always had. "Get away from me!" I screamed at him. Nakita kong hindi siya magkandatuto. The great Julian Sunico? Parang takot na takot akong hawakan. God. I would have died. Tapos pinunasan niya 'yung bibig ko ng basang face towel. He carried me like a sack of rice. "I said get away-" "Will you just shut up? Para kang loro." My mouth dropped open. My eyes watered again. Napakasama ng ugali niya. Hindi ba niya alam na buntis ako? Sumisigaw siya? 'Di kaya marinig ng baby 'yun?
"What is the..." sigaw niya. Sigaw pa! Napahikbi ako. "matter with you?" frustrated na bumaba 'yung sigaw nito. 'Yung tingin niya sa 'kin 'yung tingin na parang baliw na talaga 'ko. "Sabi ko layuan mo nga ako. Ang baho mo kaya." "WHAT!" Mabilis nitong inamoy ang sarili. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. At nilayuan nga ako! Didn't he know that when a woman said she hated you it meant she cared about you. At 'pagsinabing layuan mo 'ko ang ibig sabihin lang nun ay pilitin mo 'ko. Every woman deserved to be wooed.
Nagtatampo ako kay Julian. Nilayuan nga niya 'ko for hours! I called CM on the phone. Nagkita kami sa isang gay bar kinagabihan. Syempre gay bar nga eh 'di may mga halamang dagat na nagpe-perform. Parang nawala lahat ng sama ng loob ko. "Am I going to be a godmother, dear?" I smirked. "Hindi ko hahayaang madungisan ng dugo mo ang baby JJ ko no." He teasingly smiled at me. "Baby JJ? Excited?" "Syempre!" "Of course, iyan ang bunga ng inyong pag-iibigan ni Julian eh. Kaya nga nate-tempt na din akong mag-asawa para may kumukulbit na rin sa 'kin 'paggabi." Napalingon agad ako. Buti na lang maingay kaya walang nakarinig ng sinabi niya. I sipped the juice. "Magkaaway kaya kami." "Sus, ngayong umaga lang 'yan 'pagdating ng gabi bati na ulit kayo." I hissed and glared at him. Wala na talagang matinong masabi ito. "Nagpaalam ka bang aalis?" I frowned. Tumaas 'yung kilay ko dun. "Hindi." "I see." Tapos ngumuso siya sa likuran ko. Like in a slow motion I turned around. And there was... him! What was he doing here? Napalingon agad ako kay CM. He was shaking his head. I gnawed at my nails. Bumaling ulit ako sa kanya. Through the dim light his face was arhm, expressionless but I clearly saw the way he was looking at me. Patay. Ako. Mamaya. "Let's go home," galit na bulong nito sa 'kin.
"Jules... kasi... CM!" Baling ko kay CM. "Hello Julian Jeannie's just..." One angry look. 'Yun lang. At tumiklop na si CM. Damn. "going home." "CM! I thought you're my..."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we need someone to volunteer to sing for us." Napatingin ako sa mga halamang dagat sa stage while Julian kept pulling my arm. "Anyone?" I smiled. Uh-oh. Sorry Julian. Then I raised my hand. "Yes?" "My husband will sing!" CM groaned. Julian's eyes grew wide. At halos bumaon sa braso ko ang kamay niya sa pagkakahawak sa 'kin. Parang sinasabing 'patay ka talaga sa 'kin'. I sweetly smiled at him then turned to the stage. "My, he's really sweet. And he loves me so damned much-" "The hell I don't know how to-" He hissed. Na tapat dito ang spotlight. I couldn't just help imagining the devil himself singing a love song for me in front of everybody. Oh, how sweet. Only if I would get out of here alive later. Ang masama pa nito ibitin ako ng patiwarik ni Julian mamaya. "I don't know how..." Pero inakay na siya ng dalawang bakla. The gay who impersonated President Gloria Arroyo patted my husband's rear! Aba. Kung makatsansing. Libre? Julian gave him his infamous don't-touch-me glare of his. Effective. Buti na lang hindi touch-and-go itong asawa ka. "So, lover boy anong kakantahin mo?" "I don't know how to sing." Parang nababagot na sabi nito. Biglang naghiyawan ang mga matrona at bakla doon. I beamed proudly. Sisigaw sana akong 'asawa ko 'yan'. Kaya lang baka kuyugin ako dun. "Are you single?" Julian regarded me with intense dislike. Kapag idineny ako nito ikakaila ko din siyang tatay ni baby JJ. Sabay himas sa tyan. I was waiting for his response. "Unfortunately, no." CM started laughing. Bakit may unfortunately pa?! "Really? Very unfortunate nga. So is the lucky girl that one?"
Todo smile ako. Then my smile slowly faded when Julian cracked a slow, soft smile about his lips. It wasn't one of those sexy grins or even the self-mocking half-smile. No. It was full of tenderness. The gay comedian snorted. "Oh, hindi pwedeng mag-Careless Whisper dito ha!" They left him on the stage. Julian cleared his throat and looked about the surroundings uncertainly. "I don't know how to sing really. At ibang sayaw din ang alam ko... 'yung... 'yung walang steps." I grimaced. Nagtawanan 'yung mga nandun na kala mo kinikiliti. "Been running from this feeling for so long Telling my heart I didn't need it," Our eyes met. My eyes got misty. Leigh Nash sang that song beautifully. Sa totoo lang naiyak ako kasi hindi pala marunong kumanta si Julian. Nakakahiya lang tuloy. Buti na lang gwapo siya. At saka ano na lang sasabihin ng mga associates niya? The CEO was seen singing a love song to his wife. "Pretending I was better off alone But I know that it's just a lie," Seriously... it was as if he weren't really singing. It was as if he was talking to me through the lyrics. His voice was awkward. Not even a one-fourth of any croaking vocalists. Yes. He was really croaking and out of tune. Pero hindi lang pala bulag ang pag-ibig kung hindi bingi rin. Because it was the best song I'd ever heard in my whole life. "So afraid to take a chance again So afraid of what I feel inside," "But I need to be next to you Oh I, oh I I need to share every breath of you Oh I, oh I I need to know I can see you smile each morning Looking to your eyes each night for the rest of my life Here with you, near with you, oh I I need to be next to you Need to be next to you Right here with you is right where I belong I lose my mind if I can't see you Without you there's nothing in this life
I would make life worth living for I can't make it if you're not there I can't fight what I feel any more," He stopped singing. Then he mouthed: "I love you."
God. I thought the world stopped revolving. Akala ko sa movies lang nangyayari 'to. Pero ngayon ko lang na-realize Prince Charming was real. He wasn't near perfect. He was rude, a chauvinist, and a very arrogant ass who thought he owned the world. But it was okay with... as long as he owned me. Bumaba siya ng stage. Tapos tumayo ako. Eto na, eto na 'yung moment na maghahabulan kami tapos magyayakap kami sa gitna ng maraming tao. 'Yung parang shooting. Magpapalakpakan sila tapos kikiligin. Palapit na siya. O kaya he would tell me 'Jeannie you're my life, you're my every-
He smiled at me and grabbed my arm. TIGHTLY.
I frowned and winced at the same time. Hindi ba dapat- CM's eyes widened as he was wagging his finger: lagot ka. I gritted my teeth. This wasn't one of my fantasies. Ang halos kaladkarin palabas! I tried to smile at everyone.
He shoved me inside his car. Grabe, anong tingin niya sa 'kin robot?! "Julian!" "Not a word." He said in a controlled voice. Kontrolado nga galit naman. I pouted. He loved me. He did, didn't he? Argh. Mabilis akong tumaas at naglinis 'pagkauwi. I saw him packing our things. Aalis pala kami bukas ng madaling araw. To God-knows-where.
He felt stripped of his pride. He gritted his teeth. There, he sang a stupid song he had secretly listening when he was a teenager in front of a crowd. Bugger. He even bared his soul to that brat. Lahat na lang ng gusto nito nasusunod. Talaga bang nagiging spoiled na sa kanya ngayon si Jeannie? He hissed.
Narinig niya ang pagtunog ng cellphone nito. She was inside the shower room. Mabilis niyang tinignan ang cellphone nito. It was so unlike him to snoop into other's things. Pero nakita niya ang mensahe ni CM. Jeannie, tell him about the baby. Kung hindi ako ang magsasabi para matapos na 'yang problema mo. He swore he gasped. What baby? Wasn't it ironic? CM would tell him? Didn't he? Jeannie had a baby... how? Oh, hell. Itinatanong pa ba 'yun? THE USUAL.
He was going to be a father without her telling him outright!
TWENTY FIVE Disoriented, I woke up and opened one good eye. I gasped. God. I was naked. In bed with a stranger. Definitely not Julian! And very much naked!
Oh, no.
What happened?
Joke lang pala ni God.
Para akong naalimpungatan. I sat upright. Then my stomach got queasy. It was all a dream! Humigpit ang yakap ni Julian sa 'kin. His left arm was wrapped around my midsection. He was sleeping close to me, on his stomach.
I even brushed the tendrils of wavy hair away from the side of his face to make sure. Si Julian nga! Malay ko ba. I remembered watching Nightmare on Elm Street last night. And Julian seemed withdrawn. Kahit na nga ba nandito pa rin ako sa room ko. Mamaya niyan si Freddie na pala 'yung katabi ko. God. I was paranoid, wasn't I? Then my stomach started churning. Before I knew it, I was covering my mouth and running to the CR. Sumuka ako dun sa sink. Suka ng suka na wala namang inilalabas. Habang sumusuka ako ay pinapaliguan ko ng mura si Julian sa isip ko. Naiiyak na subsob na ang mukha ko sa lababo. Puro gastric juices lang naman ang inilalabas ko. "I hate you Julian," she cried. Bakit ba lalaki na lang ang nagpapakasarap at babae ang nagpapakahirap? Why was life so unfair? "Uwooo..." Hawak ang tyan na sumuka ulit. Luha, sipon, pawis. Lahat na. Sorry baby, kasalanan ng magaling mong tatay ito! Umupo ako sa couch at pinagmamasdan si Julian. I was robbed of my power. Para bang wala na akong lakas para bukas. It was only 3:00 am! Sh!t. I haven't had a good night's sleep. Kakatulog ko lang kanina. Mamayang umaga pa ang flight namin ng magaling na lalaki.
I opened my eyes and swore. I was in bed. AGAIN? Oh, God no. I specifically remembered sleeping on the couch. Had Julian taken me to bed? It seemed so. Bumukas 'yung pinto. And my... what a sight early in the morning. The father of my baby was traipsing clad with only a towel around his narrow hips. Para akong naglaway bigla. Droplets of water was sluicing down his body. His hair was disheveled. Kung ganito naman ang panaginip I might ask God never to wake me up. "Ano pang tinitingin tingin mo dyan? Umaga na po prinsesa. May flight pa tayo." My mouth dropped open wide. Okay. Better to wake me up now! I glared at him. What was his problem? I got so lazy. "Parang tinatamad akong maligo." Wala sa loob na bulong ko. In my saner days I would have been also disgusted with myself. Swear, nakita ko ang panghihilakbot sa mukha ni Julian."What!" "Jeannie..." may warning na sabi nito. Care ko? I pouted and made face. I buried my face into the pillow. Kulang ako sa tulog. Ayokong umalis.
I screamed when I felt Julian's arms around me. He was wet, for Pete's sake! "Julian ano ba!" I swore I wanted to punch Julian's handsome face. Tahimik lang siya habang nakaupo kami sa eroplano. He was sulking because I didn't take my precious bath. He wrinkled his nose. Tapos bigla kong inamoy 'yung sarili ko. I didn't smell bad. I even scrubbed myself twice. Isa bang malaking kasalanan iyon? "Julian." "What!" My eyes watered. I couldn't believe it. He was shouting at me! Na para bang first time niyang gawin 'yun Jeannie! Oh, God. What was really happening to me? I bit my lower lip and stood up. "Where are you going?" He hissed. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang expression nito. Na para bang anumang oras ay sasakalin niya na talaga ako. "To Hell. Sasama ka?" Inis kong sabi. As if he cares! He glared at me. "Sasamahan na kita." I arched my brow. "Really? You'll escort me to hell?" I said sarcastically. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. "Whatever." He shrugged his shoulders. I walked on to the lavatory. And didn't even bother to lock the door. Tapos kapag upo ko sa bowl I started crying like it was the end of the world. Pahikbi lang nung una tapos palakas na ng palakas. "What the hell are you doi-" Julian's shout seemed to freeze. Goodness. If his wife didn't look pitiful enough. 'Wag nang idagdag ang hindi paliligo nito kanina kahit anong pilit niya. He didn't really understand how women's minds work. Though sadly he should understand her. Oh, God. Bakit ba ang hirap ispelengin ng mga babae? Mabuti pa ang math may formula eh, ang mga babae? She was exasperating.
Jeannie looked up. Her eyes grew wide. As in. At anong ginagawa ng demonyong si Julian dito? He squeezed himself into the limited space of the lavatory and knelt in front of her. He brushed the wet hair away from her tear-stained cheeks. "Jeannie..." Itinaas ko 'yung kamay ko. She frowned. Inabot nito iyon! I stood up and he wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me close. It was a miracle! Note to self: Magpapaparty ako 'pag-uwi namin. Had God really answered my prayers? "Why are you crying?"He whispered. Tapos unti-unti niyang hinahalikan 'yung mga luha ko. Gusto kong kiligin. At magtitili. Was this Julian the stranger in bed, in my dreams, last night?
"Saan mo tinago si Julian?" bulong ko sa kanya with matching stare-a-thon. Tapos... tapos... bigla na namang kumunot 'yung noo niya."Isn't there something you want to tell me?" Ha? Parang hindi nagpa-function 'yung brain cells ko. "W-wala." Sabi ko. Syempre it had been my specialty: lying through my teeth. And Julian's specialty: growling at me! "Julian." "Hmm..." Syempre minsan na nga lang ito lulubus lubusin ko na! "Tinatamad akong maglakad. Buhatin mo 'ko papunta sa upuan," I pouted. "Ano!" He shouted-no, screamed! God. I thought... I thought... He looked at me incredulously. Tapos tinanggal niya 'yung mga kamay ko sa leeg niya. He stepped out of the lavatory to the door. "Nakapaglakad ka ngang mag-isa papunta dito. I bet you're going to be a pig in no time at all." I gasped. Grabe. He was such a very considerate and loving husband! My eyes watered. "Don't use that on me Jeannie. It won't work unless you tell me what's bothering you!" He seethed. Tapos tinalikuran ako! Grabe. Hindi man lang naawa sa 'kin. Paano kung makunan ako habang naglalakad? Syempre sa sobrang stress ko. Kulang ako sa tulog. My knees might give out. Tapos bumagsak ako sa floor. Ang morbid naman ng mga naiisip ko. I clutched my stomach.
My eyes grew wide. So... so... I should tell him first about... about the baby?
We were in Morocco for a week. Really? Parang sa panaginip ko lang ito nakikita. It was Uncle Jin's birthday. Julian's real dad. Argh. I shouldn't have known that secret. I was a bit overwhelmed. Pero hindi ko rin siya gaanong ma-appreciate kasi si baby JJ. Mukhang baby pa lang manang mana na sa tatay niya. I was so lazy. I merely got out of the room. I didn't want to swim. Na para namang alam ko kung pano 'di ba? Lagi akong nagsusuka if not early in the morning. Sa tanghaling tapat. And I even cried when I saw a chicken being killed. Ano ba. Kung iiyakan ko lahat ng manok na pinapatay para gawin Chicken Joy baka ipasok na nila ako sa mental nito. "Are you sick?" Uncle Jin asked me once. I shook my head and smiled at them. 'Yung smile ko nag-fade. I saw Julian's father striding toward us. Julian was looking intently at him.
I almost groaned aloud. Tapos tumayo ito. Bumagsak ang upuan nito. "Julian!" sigaw ni Aunt Risan. "Hayaan mo na siya Risan." Sabi ni Uncle Jin. Mabilis akong nagmano sa papa ni Julian at sinundan ito. "Where are you going?" "To hell. Sasama ka?" Galit na sabi nito. His teeth was grating. Hindi ba iyon din ang tinanong ko kanina sa kanya? "Julian naman!" "Just leave me alone!" Dumadagundong ang sigaw nito. I was rooted to the ground. Oo. Sanay akong nasisigawan niya. Pero iba ito. Kung paano hindi ko alam. Maybe because I was just too emotional. Mabilis kong pinahid 'yung luha ko tapos tumalikod sa kanya. Maglalaslas na lang siguro ako sa banyo. I was too emo. "Jeannie..." He hissed. Leave him alone 'di ba? Tears streamed down my face."Jeannie!" Sigaw ulit nito. Sige pa rin ako sa lakad. Then I felt a hand wrapped around my middle. He hugged me from behind. "Oh, babe I'm sorry." He whispered to me and kissed my nape. Tapos humarap ako sa kanya. He cracked an indulgent smile at me.
Then I slapped him hard. Oh, eh 'di na-shock ka ngayon? Gusto kong sabihin iyon sa kanya. But said instead: "We're going to have a baby." Hinihintay kong tumalon siya tapos sabihin niyang 'Yes, yes, I'm the happiest man on earth'. But from the looks of it. Mukha siyang maglalakad sa death sentence niya. "You're not happy." "I already know. And damned if I'm not happy!" At saka lamang ito ngumiti. He carried me to his car like a sack of rice. We drove off to miles and miles. May dala siyang mapa. Kapag tingin ko sa back seat I was surprised to see... a gift. "What's that?" "Malay ko. Baka nailagay lang diyan." He said innocently. Tapos lumabas na siya. Ano 'yun? Naglakad lang dito? I opened the big gift. I was like... really? It was a canvass with all its painting materials. I couldn't believe it. It was the best thing ever. Ah, no. Second best gift Julian had ever given me. Syempre baby JJ
would always come first. I tried my hands on it. Nakita ko si Julian dun sa may bandang cliff. Nakatayo. As if he owned the world. Sa baba non ay makikita mo 'yung dagat. The water was crystal blue. Naalala ko 'yung sa Sisterhood of Traveling Pants part two. The setting was just like this. I painted him for hours with the sunset as the background. Then I even put a child beside him playing with his kite. Ang gandang tignan. It warmed my heart. Sana forever na kaming ganito. This was the best of all the best vacation I've ever had.
Kapag uwi namin. We heard someone shouting from inside the house. Yep. Uncle Jin owned the house. 'Di ba? Hindi talaga nagkamali ang kapatid ko ng pagpili. They were a bunch of rich people. "Because you didn't tell him the truth!" He shouted. We halted dead in our tracks. My heart skipped a beat. Para iyong scene sa isang pelikula. Could I just shout freeze like what Ella in the Ella Enchanted did? "Julian let's go someplace else and-" "Tell him!" Sigaw ni Mr. Sunico kay Uncle Jin. "You're drunk." "No! Damn you!" Hiyaw nito. "What are you doing shouting at Uncle like that when you have no right to-" "You're uncle?" Julian's dad laughed demonically. Oh my God. Naamoy ko na ang war of the worlds. Pinipilit kong awatin si Julian. I grabbed his arm. "Julian just please... stay away from here!" "What?" Galit niyang sabi kay Uncle Jin. "What are you talking about Uncle?" "That fuucking son of b!tch you call Uncle is your real dad Julian!" Para iyong bombang sumabog. She couldn't even wonder if everyone would have been deaf and blind by now. Ang sunod na nangyari ang nakapagpatili kay Aunt Risan. Julian lost control and punched Mr. Sunico in the face. "You're lying!" "Julian no!" Mabilis ko siyang nilapitan pero ilang beses niyang tinatanggal ang kamay ko sa braso niya. Everyone was afraid to come to him. "Isn't it Uncle Jin?" "It's... the truth." He whispered. Julian froze. Nakita ko 'yung sakit sa mga mata niya. I wanted to ease that pain. Then he slammed the vase with full force. He was lashing out. Walang
makapigil dito. Kahit ako. Naiiyak na nilapitan ko siya at niyakap. He wagged me off him. Sa sobrang pagwawala niya ay naitulak niya ako. I fell hard and flat out on the floor. My eyes grew wide. Pain pierced through me. Aunt Risan screamed. "Blood! There's blood on her thighs." I slowly looked up from Julian's stricken face back to the... blood streaming down my thighs. The pain in my tummy numbed me. "No... no... my baby." I sobbed as I felt the pain killing me. Na parang may kinukuha mula sa katawan ko.
TWENTY SIX I was sent to the hospital. I was in and out of conscious but I saw Julian holding my hand as I was rushed to the ER. "Jeannie... I'm sorry. Please hang on babe..." He kept whispering. 'Yun yung naririnig ko. Tapos nung ipapasok na 'ko sa loob ayaw niyang pakawalan 'yung kamay ko.
Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kayang mawala 'yung baby JJ ko. With the last ounce of strength I pulled my hand from him. In my blurring vision I saw how defeated he looked. That time, ako ang nasasaktan. Mas ako ang nasasaktan. Emotionally and physically. But this time, hatred won. I couldn't live with Julian anymore if my baby would be taken from me.
I woke up disoriented. My head was pounding. Parang iba 'yung room. Then the nurses were speaking in English. Napataas kilay ko dun. Wow... Sosyal na ba ang mga nurses sa Pilipinas? Are they required to talk in English now? May pisong multa na din ba kapag nag-tagalog sila kapag duty hours? Yeah, right. As if I were in elementary again. Then everything suddenly flashed to my memory again. My hand flew to my stomach. "'Yung baby ko..." I cried. A blond petite nurse came to my aid. "It's okay ma'am... you're fine now." Gusto kong sumigaw. Magwala. Do I look fine? Was losing a baby okay to you? But no voice came out. Para akong mamamatay sa sakit. Though my body felt numb. I started sobbing hysterically. Even the nurses were calming me down. Tapos biglang bumukas 'yung pinto. They were all there. At unang una kong nakita si Julian.
"Jeannie!" Nilapitan niya agad ako. He was about to embrace me when I pushed him hard away from me. I couldn't stand the sight of him! "Get away from me!" I shouted. Nagtataka ako kung san ko pa nakukuha ang lakas ko. "Doc what's happening to my wife?" He screamed in fear. Dapat lang! Dapat lang siyang matakot. Wasn't it long overdue for him to care for me? My heart went out to the tiny little thing who hadn't even seen the world. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung tinurok nila sa 'kin. Basta mabigat 'yung pakiramdam ko. "I hate you Julian. This time... I... I... m-mean it..." Finally. My long overdue speech.
Two days. Hindi niya 'ko pinupuntahan. I missed him and hated him at the same time. Naiiyak na napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. I didn't wish him to be dead but I did ask for him to fall into a ditch. Death is quicker. Suffering isn't. This would be my last day in the suffocating hospital. Malakas na nga ako eh. Kaya ko ng sapakin sa mukha si Julian. How inconsiderate of him! He didn't even get to visit me? Ha! "Hello... okay na ba pakiramdam mo?" Uncle Jin smiled at me. "Diretso na tayo sa airport." I nodded again. "I could walk, you know." I smiled at Tantan. He was such a dear boy. Ngayon ko lang siya na-appreciate. Kung kailan pa nawala 'yung baby ko. Tears were threatening to explode again. I hugged the boy. He squealed. Tapos kinusot ko 'yung ilong ko."Naligo ka na ba?" The boy frowned at me. "Uncle Julian!" Mabilis itong lumapit sa Uncle nito. I mean... tama. Because Celine, Tantan's mother, was Julian's half-sister now that the truth was finally set free. I avoided eye contact. "Jeannie." I gave him the don't-Jeannie-me glare. Pinagpraktisan ko kaya iyon. I even memorized a speech when we meet again. On a serious note I didn't want to see him. My hatred ran deep now. At ayokong dumating sa puntong hihilingin kong sana hindi ko na siya nakilala o kaya naman ay mamatay na siya. That was harsh I know. "Uncle Jin pwede po bang sa inyo na lang ako sumabay?" Halatang nagulat ito. Awkward. "Ahm... you talk to your husband first." Sabay tingin kay Julian. I didn't spare that bastaard a glance. "I don't have a husband Uncle Jin." Iyon lang.
"Hija... I think you have to talk to him first." Mabilis itong tumalikod at tinapik ang balikat ni Julian. What was the use of talking if all we would ever do was throw snide remarks at each other? I drummed my fingers on my arm. Naghihintay na may malaglag na butiki. Kay Julian. "Jeannie..." Pinipilit niyang hawakan 'yung kamay ko. "I'm sorry about the baby... thank God you're alive and-" "You thank God because I'm alive? You bastard!" Galit kong sabi. He wasn't even thinking about our baby? Kung sa ibang pagkakataon baka nagtatalon pa ako at isipin kong ako lang ang inaalala niya. "You're so selfish! You think only of yourself?!" "Honey please..." He combed his hair with his fingers. Na parang hindi alam ang gagawin. "Don't touch me!" I pushed him hard. But he hugged me. I started crying then. Tapos pinagsusuntok ko 'yung dibdib niya. Malakas. I wanted him to feel the pain. My pain. Pawis. Sipon. Luha. Lahat na. Lahat ng sama ng loob ko naipon. All the things that I was trying to laugh off in the past months. "I'm sorry baby," he whispered and kissed the top of my head when I was exhausted. I brushed the tears away angrily. Hindi ako kumikibo. I wasn't even speaking in the airport or on the way back. Ngayon niya matitikman ang isang salita ni Jeannie. Salitang ilang beses ng nabali dahil kay Julian.
Kapag uwi namin sa airport ay nakita ko sina mommy. I embraced them. Ayokong umiyak sa harap nila. Julian raised one brow and didn't comment. CM was also there. He mouthed:Are you sure? "Why are you still here?" Tanong ko kay CM. "Ayaw mo?" Ingos niya sa 'kin. He bear-hugged me. Niyakap ko siya 'yung parang wala ng bukas. Someone grabbed my arm that moment. Tinatanong pa ba kung sino? Nauna na sina Uncle Jin at ang parents ko. "Ano pa bang tinatayo tayo mo dyan? Pasko?" Galit na sabi ni Julian. I looked at CM as if I were saying 'see?' "I'm not going with you Julian." Sabi ko. That stopped him. Good. "Ano?!" Sumigaw ito. First time after so many days. Hinintay niya lang palang maka-recover ako. "Naintindihan mo naman 'di ba? I'm not going with you." My knees were
buckling. I grabbed CM's hand. Pero parang ayaw makisama ng loko. Sabay iling papunta sa direksyon ni Julian. Grabe, kalaking lalaki este, bakla takot kay Julian! They were even of the same size and height. "What is your problem?" Mabilis pa sa alas-kwatrong hinarap niya ako. He was seething with anger. Nagtitimpi siya alam ko. "Hindi mo alam? Na ikaw ang problema ko una pa lang?" Galit kong sabi. We weren't shouting. Come on. Mahiya naman kami, kung hindi man si Julian eh ako. We were in a public place. I took my arm from his grip. "Julian I won't go with you anymore." "If it's about the baby-" "Of course it's about the baby! Are you stupid? I couldn't live with a killer like you!" "A what?" He started laughing. Na para bang ang sinabi ko ay isang nakakatawang joke. So the baby was only a joke for him? Sobra na ito! Humihingi ako ng saklolo kay CM through my eyes. He was shaking his head rapidly. He mouthed: Hindi ko asawa 'yan. Iyo 'yan. "What are you talking about? I haven't killed our baby! Hindi siya nawala! Nandyan pa rin siya!" He even touched my stomach. I gasped. True? Wasn't he just cracking a stupid joke on me? Parang maiiyak ako sa tuwa na... nababanyo. Ganon kasi ako kapag nate-tense. Aminin niyo, may mga taong ganon. Baka nga kaisa 'ko kayo. LOL. "My baby JJ?" "JJ?" He raised one brow at me. Yayakapin niya sana ako ng umiwas ako. Anong akala niya ganon lang iyon? Kiss and make up? Pakipot ako no. Pa-hard to get. In so many words. Dalagang Pilipina. "Julian... I won't go home with you anymore. I just... can't." This time I was so serious I would have knocked my head against the wall. I willed myself to be strong. There was so much at stake here. Me, Julian and the baby. Isa lang 'yung alam ko: I needed space. Away from Julian. "I'm going home with my parents." "Jeannie. Hindi ito ang napagkasunduan natin." Nakita kong nagagalit na siya. Nagpipigil lang. He couldn't haul me anymore to his car sa harap ng maraming tao. Well, didn't he always do that Jeannie? "I'm leaving you." He seemed so shock. Did he think I was joking? Not on this lifetime.
Umuwi ako sa bahay namin. I should be happy, shouldn't I? Mom was
standing in the middle of the room with Jean. Grabe, dalawa na kaming buntis ng kambal ko. Actually, pinag-usapan talaga namin 'yun. Sheesh. I started crying. "Mommy..." Ewan ko kung bakit parang naintindihan niya agad ako. Mother knows best talaga. She hugged me like I were a child again. Grabe ngayon pa lang nami-miss ko na si Julian. Could I survive without him? Of course, lalaki lang 'yun. True. But Julian would always be a part of me. Three months seemed to pass without any ado. Alam mo 'yung feeling na, you're pining for that someone that you choose to leave behind? Ngayon ko na naintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng 'I love you, goodbye'. Dati kasi inisip ko how stupid people were. Why did they have to say I love you? Kung magpapaalam lang din naman sila? "Friend..." "Hmm?" Kumuha ako ng mga baby clothes. "About Julian..." Deadma. "Jeannie naman oh!" CM took the baby clothes from my hands. "Julian who?" Inis kong harap sa kanya. Three months! Halos maglilimang buwan na 'yung tyan ko ni-hoy wala man lang! Okay, he did call me on the phone. And I cut the line off immediately. Galit kaya ako ng time na 'yun. Sana man lang pinalipas niya 'di ba? Wala. Hindi man lang nag-effort na suyuin ako. There were times when I wanted to call on him. Someone told me that words weren't enough. Actions were needed. "Si Julian..." "Sinong Julian?" "'Yung nakabuntis sa 'yo." I glared at him. "May gunting ba dito?" CM frowned at me. "Meron..." Tapos lumingon lingon pa. "Sa school supplies section. Bakit? Hindi pa naman mag-aaral 'yang anak mo ah." "Hindi. I'd like to cut off your long tongue." I hissed. "Jeannie..." "Oh?" Gigil kong sabi. "Julian's on the dating scene again." Bigla kong nabitawan 'yung baby socks. Parang narinig kong may sumabog na naman sa Iraq. Kung pasabugin ko kaya 'yung bahay nila Julian? I gritted my teeth. I walked past CM and looked for a restaurant. Wala
akong narinig. "Jeannie... Si Julian at si..." "Wala akong pakialam!!!" Tila ata mapapaanak ako ng wala sa oras. Napaatras bigla si CM. He raised both hands in the air. "Easy ka lang Jeannie. Hindi ako 'yung third party. I just heard it from my sister." Then he crossed his arms over his chest. Na para bang sinasabing: Ah, okay wala ka pa palang pakialam ang lagay na 'yan. I rolled my eyes heavenward. "Oh, si Julian o?" Biglang turo ni CM. "Saan?" "Sa puso mo..." Then he started laughing. God. How I would love to wring his neck. Napadpad kami sa Filipino restaurant. Hindi masama ang loob ko. Hindi. Hindi ako depress. Hindi ko napansin sa pagkain ko na pala naibunton ang kung ano mang nararamdaman ko. "Oh, Si Julian o?" I glared at him. Ngumuso ito. CM's face was devoid of any emotion. Like in a slow motion reel film, I turned around. My breath got hitched. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa tinidor. CM was really serious! Julian was speaking to a lovely... woman. She looked like a model out of a vogue cover. Samantalang ako? I looked like... like... I ate hungrily. Angrily! CM winced at me. "Gutom ka pa?" Lagay pa ito ng lagay sa plato ko. Papatayin ata ako sa pagkabusog ni CM. I went to the comfort room. I started sniffing while I was inside the cubicle. Nasobrahan ata ako. Nagrereklamo si Baby JJ. I started crying. Hindi na naman ako naglilihi ah. I leaned against the cubicle wall. Ang sakit ng tyan ko. I was so bloated. I couldn't walk. May isang intrimitidang tinignan ako mula ulo hanggang paa. I didn't care. Kahit nakakahiya man. He was such a jerk. I almost slipped off the tiled flooring. May mga kamay na biglang umalalay sa 'kin. I shouldn't have looked up. Kasi baka makapatay lang ako ng tao. Aaminin ko nagseselos ako. At lalong aaminin kong gusto kong patayin si Julian ngayon din! Those chinito eyes. Why could he be so handsome? I gritted my teeth. Mamaya talaga bibili ako ng chakang manika. "Thanks mister." sabi ko at taas noong naglakad ako. "Listen to me Jeannie..." Did I really hear him pleading? Oh, not Julian Sunico. But he did. Hindi kaya lagnatin ito mamaya? "Have we met before?" I arched my brow. Nakita ko ang pagpipigil niyang
magalit. Sige lang. Tignan ko kung san siya tatagal. I didn't know why I was pushing him to his limits. Hindi ako papansin no! Grr. "Jeannie honey..." He looked at my now rounded stomach. Hinawakan niya 'yung siko ko pero mabilis kong iniiwas iyon. I saw him controlling his anger. However you pin a halo to Lucifer he would always be a devil. Just like Julian. "You might be mistaken mister." Naniningkit na ang lalong singkit na mata nito. "Pwede mo na akong bitawan salamat. Baka kasi naghihintay pa 'yung date mo." I sweetly smiled at him. Gustung gusto ko na siyang murahin. I turned my back on him. "Dammit Jeannie!" Oh, eh 'di lumabas din 'yung tunay niyang kulay! "Stop this playacting of yours. Pinagbigyan na kita these past months." I put my hands on my ears. Galit na inihirap niya ako sa kanya. "Jeannie..." "Wala akong naririnig..." "I even sent you flowers." I opened my mouth in a big O. Grabe. "Why, thank you. Nasa basurahan!" "What! I can't believe it! Those flowers are expensive! Ano bang gusto mo? Nahihirapan na 'ko Jeannie..." He whispered angrily. Napansin kong naka-lock na pala 'yung pinto sa CR. Ni-lock niya! "Nahihirapan?! 'Yung delivery man 'yung naghirap. Hindi ikaw!" "I was trying to do what you wanted." His teeth was grating. "Oo. You're trying to do what I wanted. Tama. Makipag-date ka kahit sinong gusto mo. The hell I care. At least then you won't pester me anymore!" He gritted his teeth. Itinaas niya 'yung baba ko. Our eyes met. "Talaga?" "Talaga." "Kahit magpakasal ako ulit?" My eyes grew wide. Damn. Bakit ba hindi ko mapigilan ang reflexes ng sarili kong reaksyon! Something gripped me from within. Parang hindi ako makahinga. Bigla ata akong nagka-asthma. O kaya aatakihin ako sa puso. "Jeannie... are you okay?" Bigla niya akong niyakap. "Don't touch me. You didn't even bother to call me... to go for me..." I whispered numbly. He cupped both of my cheeks. "Hey, honey listen to me... I did call you many times. Your mom talked to me. Sinabi niya sa 'king 'wag ka munang
guluhin at-" "Mommy what?!" Biglang nawala 'yung pagka-asthmatic kuno ko ah. I straightened up from his arms. "She asked me, no more like begged me to stay away from you for awhile." At ginawa mo naman! I glared at him. Mommy really did that? I know... she was just protecting me. "Umuwi ka na sa 'tin. I already missed you and baby... JJ" He begged. Talaga? Naks. For the second time I heard the great Julian Sunico pleading. "Ayoko." "Why not?" He glared at me. Ooops, ito na naman 'yung sumpong niya. "You're dating somebody else. Then what?" "She's a foreign associate. Nothing more. Kung gusto mo kausapin mo..." He smiled at me indicating that I was... jealous? Hell no! At saka bakit? May lalaki bang umaming nangangaliwa sila. I would have laughed silly if anyone just blurted out: Hey, honey, I've got someone on the side when you're busy. Nako. Magkakalintikan talaga. Not because I couldn't... ahm...perform for him that he would find somebody available. So like men. Tapos syempre itatanggi nila 'yun. Pero may madaan lang na maganda at sexy 'yung titigan mula ulo hanggang cleavage na. Perform meaning do my wifely obligations. Tsk. "Jeannie... please..." It didn't sound like begging to me now. It sounded like a warning. "Okay." "You're going home with me now?" He said if I'm not mistaken in a hopeful voice. "On one condition." "What?!" I nodded rapidly. So happy with myself. "Ligawan mo muna ako." TWENTY SEVEN I was smiling stupidly in the mirror. Weren't the roses red and violets blue? Oh, God. Nakangiti ako habang nakaharap sa salamin. I felt like the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Ay, hindi lang pala feeling 'yun. Alam ko talaga, I was Angelina Jolie's missing twin sister. Hindi pa lang siguro niya alam. I frowned. Biglang sumipa si Baby JJ! "Baby..." I cooed. There was unfamiliar warmth in my heart. Gumagalaw 'yung baby ko! It was amazing how God could implant a living soul within us. Siguro kahit papaano hindi rin naman malas ang mga babae. "Do you
agree with mommy? Sumipa ka ulit baby para twice, meaning Oo." Tapos hinimas ko ulit 'yung tummy ko. Baliw na ata ako at hinihintay ko ngang gumalaw ulit ito. Pero wala talaga. Don't tell me, nagmana ito ng tantrums sa daddy niya. Tsk. Bad vibes. "You look hapy anak? Ganyan nga smile. Gumagalaw na ba 'yung apo ko?" Mommy looked at me from head to toe. "Why mommy?" "Nothing..." She shrugged. "San ka pupunta?" "Going to watch TV." "No!" Napataas 'yung kilay ko dun. "Wala lang... baka kasi kung ano pang makita mo maging kamukha pa ng apo ko." Mommy smiled at me. 'Yung ngiting halatang may itinatago. O baka gut feel ko lang. Whatever. Basta ang mahalaga I was way too happy to bother with the problems of the world. I picked one stem from the bunch of flowers. I winced at her. "Mommy, I'm way past that stage. At saka..." I pouted. Picture kaya ni Julian 'yung tinititigan ko nung time na 'yun. "He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me... he..."Lalong tumaas 'yung kilay ko dun. Last petal. "Jeannie!" I frowned. What the hell was CM doing here? Again? Hindi kaya ang masama pa nito siya pa maging kamukha ng anak ko. Oh, God... no. I could smell something fishy. At si CM nga ang masangsang na amoy na iyon. "Look at this!" "What?" I glanced at the newspaper he was holding in my face! I didn't even bother to look closely at the news clipping. "Ano 'yan?" Balewalang tanong ko. I was just waiting for Julian to drop by. Sabi niya pupuntahan niya daw ako ngayon. Nakakahiya naman 'di ba? Ngayon pa kami magliligawan kung kailan naka-bingo na. Sheesh. "What's... this?" I didn't know why my heart started hammering wildly. Narinig ko 'yung pagkatok sa pinto. "CM... just excuse-" "Ako na." Mommy volunteered. "No mom, it might be Julia-" She was already out even before I could finish what I was going to say. CM avoided eye contact with me. After clearing his throat he put the news clipping away. Ewan ko ba. Pero
umandar na naman 'yung pagiging psychic ko. There was something wrong here. "CM ano 'yan?" "Ito? ah... wala." He smiled sheepishly. "CM!" Mabilis kong kinuha 'yung dyaryo sa likuran niya."Jeannie..." He was now gnawing his nails. "Oh? Ito lang pala eh." Sabi ko. There was a couple captured kissing. "Who are they?" He winced. "Ay, tanga." I gritted my teeth. Then... I slowly gasped. It was a major no-no! "Hindi... hindi si..." I saw CM nodded rapidly at me. Na parang sinasabing: Oo, nakakaawa ka. "Jeannie!" Oh. The moron was standing there looking so smug like he owned the world. Yes. He owned me, didn't he? For five million pesos! He slowly gave me that charming, sexy smile. I gritted my teeth in anger. I was rooted to the ground. "Hey," he said and handed me a bunch of red roses. He should have bought me those with thorns. Nakatingin lang sa 'kin si CM. I just stared at him. "Honey, are you okay?" He kissed the side of my mouth. Judas's kiss. Damn him. Humigpit ang kamay ko ng kinuha ko ang bouqet. I smiled at him. Too achingly sweet. Mabilis kong binagsak ang mga roses sa sahig. "What the hell are you doing?" He hissed. Nanlalaki ang mga mata nito. I stepped on his peace offering! Once. Twice. Thrice. Dahil galit ako. Dahil naiiyak ako. Why was it that every time I thought everything was going to be perfect it would all turn out to be worst than I expected? Why did Julian have to hurt me many many more times before he would see my worth? Hanggang ilang beses pa ba? I was feeling and acting crazy I know that. Bummer. Ang arte ko no? Ang drama ko. "You always make me up just to put me down." Naiiyak na ko. I was so mad I was going to explode. Ah no. I was exploding! I hated him. Alam ko gasgas na 'yun. "What are you-" Napatingin ito sa dyaryong hawak ni CM. Mabilis na binitiwan iyon nito at binigay sa'kin. "Ooops, I'm outta here." I opened my mouth in disgust! "Napapagod na 'ko sa 'yo Julian. If you still don't sense that well... too bad for you." I whispered furiously. Lagi na lang kami ganito. Mag-aaway. Magbabati. Magmamahalan. "Will you just... get out?" Out of my life Julian.
"Jeannie... Lilian kissed me I didn't know there was a paparazzi-" "So kung wala pala dun baka kung saang biglang liko pa kayo nagpunta?!" I was shouting now. My stomach started contracting violently. Oh... holy sh!t. Was baby JJ sensing anything? "Jeannie..." He took hold of my arm. I quickly pushed him off me. "Get out!!!" I hissed. Tears were blinding my vision.
The doctor told me that I should get some rest. No stress. Mahina ang kapit ng bata. Iyon ang sabi nito. Pero hindi ako naniniwala don. Malakas kaya kapit ko kaya for sure dapat mana sa 'kin si baby JJ. I was out walking that night. I started sniffing. Hindi naman ako magpapagod. I just needed time off alone. Nakaupo ako sa may bench. It was a cold night in December. Without arms to wrap around you. Teka. Hindi ba malamig naman talaga kapag December? Ano bang formula sa pagmu-move on? Pano ba 'ko magmu-move on lalo na kung wala naman talagang closure? I started sobbing. Why did it have to hurt so bad? Na minsan akala mo wala ng katapusan? I wasn't asking for a happily ever after. Hindi ko ginustong maging character sa fairy tale books na kinukulayan ng mga bata. Or better yet my soon-to-be baby JJ. Syempre fetus pa lang siya ngayon no. I never asked for a perfect relationship. Pero hindi ba secretly all the girls in town wished that? Deep down even if how many times we deny it, it was all true.
I didn't need Edward Cullen to be Bella.
I didn't have to be Princess Fiona to have the likes of Shrek. Eeeh. 'Wag na lang. But seriously, we couldn't love someone who's faultless. Walang taong ganon no. Meron. Oblation sa UP. Look at him. He was all big-aherm-I mean he was almost perfect. Kung totoong lalaki nga lang siya baka babae na ang tumakbong hubad para dito. He was made to be perfect. But he wasn't anywhere near human. Couldn't just Julian see my worth? Sabi nila: iwanan mo na 'yung taong hindi ka naman kayang pahalagahan. He might see your worth when you're gone. Kailangan bang mawala ka pa? What if dun ka masaya? Would you fight for him or let go? My whole body was racking violently. Then suddenly my stomach contracted. Gumalaw si baby JJ!
"Sorry, baby... I just miss your dad." I whispered. There was no point denying the obvious. Maybe acceptance would eventually set me free. Grabe. I was too emotional. Pwede na nga akong magsulat ng Dear Ate Charo dito. Kung dati tinatawanan ko lang 'yung mga taong na-iinlove sabay sabing 'ay saludo ako sa 'yo teh, nadaig mo pa si Rizal'. Bakit hindi? I always described them as: STUPID. All in capital letters. Why not? Because I'd never been bitten by the love bug before. My friends cried over my shoulder. They wept. They cursed their jerks of a boyfriend. I was like... are you okay? Sympathetic. Pero ngayon ko lang na-realize. No amount of gentle words could ever ease the pain. Kahit ilang beses mong marinig ang salitang tanga mapa-english man 'yan o ibang lenggwahe. You couldn't just stop your idiot of a heart from beating for that person. Arms wrapped around my rounded middle. I gasped. Nag-panic ako. Drunkard on the street! Papalag sana ako. SANA. "Jeannie, it's me." Argh. Why did a mere whisper in the ear from him and then my heart start beating triple time again and again. Kung memory storage lang ang puso hindi ba pwedeng mag-erase? "What are you doing here?" I hissed and tried to take his arms away from me. Amoy alak. He had been drinking! Malamang amoy alak nga eh. Gah. Now I was getting stupid. He caressed my stomach and I could feel him from behind me. He was all lean and strong. I didn't ever wonder now why I couldn't exchange him with Shrek. He could be a very green monster you know. But he wasn't that bad. Paano kaya kung magkaanak din kami ng tatlong Julian? I shivered. "Please come back to me honey." Bulong nito. He wasn't really begging but his voice was a mere whisper. My eyes were watering. Tapos galit na tinanggal ko 'yung mga kamay niya. I was about to run from him. Nang muntik na akong matapilok. I screamed. I slipped off the pavement but I anchored my elbow so my stomach wouldn't fall head-on. Mabilis akong nasalo ni Julian. But my hips already bumped into the flooring. "Jeannie! Damn you!" "Julian..." I was crying like a child, clutching his arm tightly. "Sssshhh... I'm here baby." Sabi nito. "Damn you! You always scare me. Bakit ba napaka-clumsy mo?!" Sigaw nito. Tapos mabilis niyang itinaas 'yung dress ko.
My eyes grew wide. Surely... surely he wouldn't want to-Argh! Not here. "Julian this is a public place! Kahit na nga ba walang ta-" He looked at me incredulously. "Shut up." His voice held warning but his touch was gentle as he brushed the tears away from my cheeks. "Thank God there was no blood. Aren't you hurt? Let's go the nearest hospital and..." So... tinititigan niya lang pala kung may dugo 'yung thighs ko. Argh. Green Monster. Malay ko ba, baka iniiisip niyang kulang pa sa daliri si baby JJ kaya pwede pa naming buuin. I was so pathetic. Trying to make everything okay and light. "Jeannie..." "What!" "What you saw in the news isn't real. Makinig ka sa 'kin." "Julian you can visit baby JJ anytime you want. You're still the father and I can't deprive you of that." I paused. Naiiyak na suminghot ako. "Jeannie-" "Don't worry about him I'll try to be the best mother I can be. Syempre financial support is always open mmmkay? Let's just go on separate ways." "Okay." My eyes grew wide. Had he just said okay?! He was such a cad. "It was just fine with you?" I whispered brokenly. He gritted his teeth. "Anong gusto mong sabihin ko?" Sigaw nito. "You are all warmed up and kept on talking about baby JJ's future. Specifically without me in your life." galit na sabi nito. "You don't want to listen to me, don't you? Kayong mga babae. Once you've said your piece you had it all figured out that you're right when in fact you're wrong." "I saw the picture on the news clipping!" "Okay. You saw that one. I'll admit. Lillian kissed me! I didn't kiss her for Pete's sake Jeannie! Are you listening to me!" I started crying. Here he was, defending himself. Pano ko siya hindi maririnig sa sigaw niya? "I didn't try to be the hero you want me to be babe. I could never be anyone's prince charming. Akala mo ba lahat ng lalaki gustong maging prince charming? No. That was rubbish." He whispered. "I am real babe. Feel this..." He hissed and took my hand. He put it on his heart. "At kung ibababa mo pa 'yung kamay mo malalaman mong tao ako. Lalaki ako. Not some hypocritical character of some fancy novel."
Julian's face softened. "Jeannie listen to me... there were no music and candlelight dinners here. Or even an orchestra. I'd even tell you outright that yes, I've lusted for you since day one." His adam's apple bobbed up and down. I was quite fascinated. Was he nervous?
"I could be any man and tell you I love you every day. But this is... me. Julian."
He looked at me. Really looked at me. Siguro kaya maraming nabubuntis ng maaga ngayon. Dahil sa tingin na ganon. Sheesh. Nah. Just kidding. Masarap gumawa ng baby. Pero mahirap magpalaki ng baby. "I can't just boom," he shrugged, "change for a day just because you say so." "There are and will be times that I can't make you feel special because... because I want to shout at you. At your stupidity and silliness."
"I could tell you that I know a lot about women. But that would be a joke. Big time." He chuckled nervously. Kahit wala naman talagang nakakatawa. "Because no man ever did."
Talaga nga bang mahirap ispelengin ang mga babae?
"And I can even promise you that I'll never hurt you..."
Hindi na niya pinapahiran 'yung luha ko sa mga mata. It was flowing freely. "That will be the best lie ever."
"Sa lahat ng iyon isa lang kaya kong aminin sa 'yo with all honesty: Kahit mukha kang bola sa paningin ko..." he cleared his throat. "You're the next best thing that happened to me. And I don't know what I'd do without you." Men were born to be polygamous. My professor in Psychology once said. Not that I told you to tolerate their being 'babaero'. Pero we couldn't ask for a saint, 'di ba? Hindi masaya ang buhay kung magtititigan lang kayo. On a serious note, I believed that there's one woman who can make a man a one-woman-man. He put my head on his shoulder. "It's not over tonight. Just give me one more chance to make it right. I may not make it through the night. I won't go home without you."
He was really singing! Argh no. More like tumutulala. In my ears. He was right. One thing was clear: He wouldn't go home without me.
TWENTY EIGHT When I was a kid I was bothered with my parents' petty quarrels from the spilled juices down to the wet home slippers on the bathroom. Jean and I started growing up. At kami rin, we started arguing from our pony tails down to our crushes. Sino bang mas gwapo? 'Yung crush nyang kahawig 'yung bida sa nightmare before Christmas na vocalist ng banda? O si Johnny Depp sa Edward Scissorhands? And the biggest competition ever: Sinong mas maganda? Great. As if we didn't have the same face. Married life was never perfect. Bakit ba eh, when Jean and I were ready to rip each other's head's off our shoulders. Aba. Nakikisigaw na din si mommy. Sumbong kay daddy. Tapos kapag sila nag-aaway they'd both tell us, take note: in chorus, to shut up. Hindi nga ba't mahirap magpalaki ng mga magulang? In the three months I came back to Julian, I had gone to Heaven then back to hell. Bakit ba hindi? Daig ko pang kasama si Hitler. "Jeannie!" I heard that shout. Err, growl. "Jeannie!" I hadn't heard a word. "JEANNIE!" I put the big pillow over my head. "Jeannie! I know you're not asleep." Tinanggal niya 'yung unan sa mukha ko. I closed my eyes tightly. Grabe, ang hirap magpanggap ng natutulog. "Damn you! Where did you put the documents?" He was now shouting. May bago ba? I gritted my teeth and then groaned. "Hmm..." "Jeannie. Nauubos na pasensya ko." His voice held warning. Anong pakialam ko?! Walang utang-na-loob! Ingrato. I just helped yaya Oreng clean his study room. "Jeannie... kapag hindi ka-" "Ano? Anong gagawin mo?!" Sigaw ko. Gigil na ibinato ko 'yung unan. Bull's eye. Right on his face. He was now scowling. Oh, God. Have I awakened the beast in him again? Tumaas 'yung kilay ko. Tapos nag-tremble 'yung lower lip ko. Humikbi ako. Julian's face softened. Hoho. Winner! He sighed exaggeratedly and tilted my head up. Nanulis 'yung bibig ko. Tears were pooling in my eyes. Kapag hindi na ako pwedeng bumalik sa New York makasali na nga lang sa starstruck dito. Dream. Believe. Survive. "Alam mo Jeannie... hindi na uubra sa 'kin 'yang arte mong 'yan."
I pushed him hard away from me. Galit akong tumayo. "Can't you be more endearing and... and..." I gritted my teeth in anger."Tinulungan ko na nga si manang na ayusin 'yung malagubat mong study room! Kung sabagay who dwells on that jungle? A monkey!" I screamed at him. We were really screaming. Goodness. In the middle of the night. "Jeannie... nasan 'yung mga lumang folder sa cabinet?" He said. Ayan. More gentle this time. Na para bang nagsisisi siyang pinabalik niya pa 'ko di- No... Bakit siya magsisisi? 'Di ba dapat ako? I slowly smiled at him. "Alin don? 'Yung tirahan ng mga bukbok? Ah, tinapon ko na lahat 'yu-" "WHAT???" Oh. My. God. I swore I took three steps backward. Nabilang ko pa talaga siya. He looked like he was ready to wring my neck. Narinig kong naglagutukan 'yung mga buto niya sa knuckles. I shivered. Of course, Julian wouldn't hurt me-at least physically. Without a word he turned his back on me and walked toward the door. "Julia-" He raised one finger as if saying 'don't talk to me'. EVER. "Julian naman oh," bulong ko. Okay. Hindi naman ako masokista no. Pero... I could even handle Julian shouting at me when he was mad. But not cold treatment on his part. I started sobbing. That rooted him to the ground. Napangisi ako. I cried louder. Tapos sinabog ko ng onti 'yung buhok ko. "I just helped you..." hiccups. "clean," hiccups, sniffs, "the mess in your study room." He turned around slowly. Napaupo ako sa kama. My tears stopped immediately. Oh-kay. Bummer. This was damned serious. "Help me? Papatayin mo ba talaga ako Jeannie?" He whispered furiously. He brushed the locks of hair away from his face. God. Ang gwapo talaga ng asawa ko. Even when stressed. Kaya pala bumenta ang punchline na 'you're cute when you're angry'. Because of Julian. He glared at me. "Binasa mo ba? Kung hindi ka namakialam at binasa mo-" "Hindi." "Jeannie naman..." Parang stress na stress na sabi nito. "Sana kahit 'yung kontra na lang natin o titulo ng bahay niyo 'yung tinapon mo..." "Hinahanap ko nga kanina." "'Wag ka na lang gumalaw. Alam mo 'yun? Palpak eh." My mouth dropped open. Nanlisik bigla 'yung mga mata ko. How dare him! Naiiyak na talaga ako. I was pregnant and he was what? Shouting at me. Mas mahalaga pa ba ang binubukbok na folder na 'yun?! I stood up with chin in the air, chest out and protruding stomach out,
and walked across the room. To the closet. Pabalibag kong binuksan 'yun. 'Yung tipong bukas pagsisisihan ko kung bakit nagkalamat 'yun. I took out all my clothes. I heard him sigh. "Pakiabot nga 'yung bag." I said in a cold tone.
Tapos... tapos... inabot nga niya! Galit na binato ko lahat ng damit don. "Anong ginagawa mo?" "What do you think am I doing?" Hinihingal na 'ko. My eyes were bloodshot. My nose were stuffed with... you know. Err. I almost screamed when I turned to find myself looking back at me in the mirror. Monster! I looked like Princess Fiona now. Naiyak akong lalo. I was so big and round. Para akong hippopotamus. Kaya siguro ayaw niya na sa 'kin. "Uuwi na 'ko sa parents ko." Parang batang sabi ko sa kanya. Tumaas 'yung kilay niya. He snorted. "Hindi ka naniniwala?" Galit kong hamon. He smirked then snorted. I opened my mouth in disgust. Siya kaya ang manganak! Puro lang siya pasarap tapos magagalit pa siya sa 'kin? Well, these past months... we hadn't ahm.... aum. Sabi kasi ng doctor bawal daw akong mapagod. Eh, ito namang si Julian masunurin! Hmp. Samantalang ako naman ang may katawan. Bakit kaya hindi ako ang tanungin ni Julian?
Baka... ang sagot ko ay... Oo.
Oo. Mapapagod nga ako. LOL. Kaya hindi muna pwedeng gumawa ng twin ni Baby JJ. I even saluted him for his control. Next to Andres Bonifacio. Atapang atao di atakbo. Papatayuan ko na nga ng monument itong si Julian. Na nakataas pa ang sandata niya ha. For the likes of him. Three months was like applying for sainthood. "Uuwi na talaga 'ko." Sabi ko. I was all set. Tapos tumigil pa ako sa may pintuan. Ang bigat ko na nga ang bigat pa rin ng bag ko. He rolled his eyes ceilingward. Na parang naghahanap ng milagro sa kisame. "Bukas na... gabi na eh. Delikado sa daan." My mouth turned into an indignant O. "Jeannie... hindi mo ba naisip na ilang beses na ang pagbabalakmong lumayas? If I'm going to count it with my fingers save the part after
the 'almost miscarriage thing'. Well. Walo na." He nodded rapidly. Naiiyak na naman ako. Napaupo ako sa may gilid ng pinto. I started sobbing like that of the child's. Loud. Uncontrollable. Naramdaman kong lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. "Babe, stop crying please... it won't do our baby any good." I felt his arm snaked behind my back the other one was under my thighs. Binuhat niya 'ko! Napakapit akong bigla sa leeg niya. He winced. Nung unang try. Epic fail. Lalo akong naiyak. I was so big, he couldn't carry me anymore. As in BIG. And ugly. "Sheeeshhh..." he kissed my swollen lips. Tapos pinilit niya ulit akong buhatin. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He chuckled. "Do you know what sound you emit when you snore?" "I don't snore." "You do."
"Like this: oiiink... oiiiink..." I gritted my teeth. Tapos hinampas ko siya. Sabay kaming nagkatinginan. Tapos tawa. It felt so good to be in his arms like this. He kissed the tip of my nose. "Tell me I'm beautiful." I pouted. Ngumisi ito. "You want me to lie?" I hissed at him. "Syempre I'll tell you you're the most beautiful woman in the world. In my eyes only." He sighed. "Thank my failing eyesight for that." He put me down on the bed. Nag-bounce 'yun mattress. Nakakainis talaga. Grr. I'd start on my diet after I give birth.
Oh. Goodness. I thought I was dreaming. Mababanyo daw ako! Tapos sumasakit 'yung tyan ko. I winced as the contraction was violent. The spasm overtook all consideration. God. Why did it hurt like this? Manganganak na ba ako? "Julian!" I tapped his shoulder. He groaned. "Julian!" "What?" "Manganganak na ata ako." I was in a state of panic... How could I? I was only eight months on the way. Everything was all set. Ayos na din ang room ni baby JJ. But goodness gracious I hadn't expected him this soon.
"Jeannie... oh, God." He tried hard to calm his nerves. Nagmamadaling binuhat niya si Jeannie. Must have been reflex action. Buhat niya ito habang kinukuha ang susi ng sasakyan sa drawer. He shouted for the maids to come upstairs. Nagkakagulo sa buong bahay. I was bleeding profusely. I started crying. The pain was overriding all sense of logic from me. I wanna die. "Julian..." I clutched at his shirtsleeve. Sumisigaw na ito. He took the matters into his own hands. He drove his Porsche while I was panting on the passenger seat. We didn't know how we arrived at the hospital with just the two of us. Umiiyak. Natatakot. Gusto ko ng magwala at magmura. The pain was killing me. It was as if I was torn apart. "Dammit. Can't you just take care of my wife first?" Galit na sabi nito habang may inaabot na fill-up form. I took Julian's hand, never letting go. Magulo. Maingay. Nagkakagulo. I didn't know where they were taking me. All I know was that I was very, very frightened. Julian squeezed my hand. I tried to crack a reassuring smile through my labored breaths. I closed my eyes. My mind kept telling me: I couldn't stand the pain anymore. I opened my eyes again. But I couldn't stop the fight. Julian and baby JJ was rooting for me.
There was something wrong. That was what the doctor had said. But he didn't know where had gone awfully wrong. He didn't want to cry. Not that tears made men weak. It was just that... he should be the pillar of strength for Jeannie. "As cause of preterm is known. After knowing all complication of pregnancy decision has to be taken whether to allow the pregnancy to continue or not. The risk of delivery of a low birth weight baby has to be weighed against the risk involved to the unborn and mother in continued pregnancy." "Bullsh!t. What do you mean?" Sigaw niya dito. Hindi matanggap ng niya kung ano mang medical theory ang sinasabi nito. In his saner he would have given consideration and credit to their profession. wala siya sa katinuan para gawin iyon! He couldn't praise them if couldn't save Jeannie... God.
utak days Pero they
His precious Jeannie. Hindi siya relihiyosong tao. Pero sa mga panahong iyon. Bawat segundo ay nagdarasal siya para sa mag-ina. He even promised God of a lifetime of rectitude. Only... only HE would spare Jeannie. His Jeannie and baby JJ. "I'm sorry." Parang nanlamig ang katawan niya. Didn't saying sorry was the worst word ever in women's vocabulary? Well, he could have said 'not his'. His breath got hitched.
"You have to choose between your wife and the baby. Or else... they'll both die." "No..." Numb. Tired and lost. "You can talk to your wife... she's in and out of consciousness. But... we have to hurry," the doctor gave him that look. Pity. Galit na sinuntok niya ang pader. Why was this happening to them? Mabilis siyang pinagsuot ng hospital gown. He was inside in a flash. He would have cried and fainted at the sight of Jeannie in pain. With blood all over her thighs. She opened one eye. "Ju... lian... my... baby..." she started hiccupping.
"Save... my... our baby. Please..." She took my hand. I kissed her on her sweating forehead. "Remember this... I love you both."
"Julian... no... save baby... JJ." She kept pleading while squeezing his hand. It pained him to see her this way. Did she know what she was asking of him?
She would hate him, he knew. It was an either-or proposition. And dammit, he couldn't afford to lose Jeannie.
I-we lost our very first baby. TWENTY NINE We couldn't have everything we wanted in life. Before I thought love was all there was. I could have Julian and it would be perfect. Pero hindi nga ba hindi lang pala love ang mahalaga sa mundo. Life. I didn't want to wake up because I knew the pain was there. Hindi ko gustong sisihin si Julian. It wasn't his fault. I should have been more understanding. Should was the operative word. But in the best of circumstances. Ayokong umunawa. Nababalutan ng sakit at galit ang logic ko. Kasi nasasaktan ako. Gusto ko ako ang unawain nila. Gusto kong ako ang intindihin nila. At... gusto kong ibalik nila sa 'kin si Baby JJ ko. I wasn't crying. I stopped crying the day Julian told me: I... love you
Jeannie that I'd choose to live without our baby than you. I could have jumped with joy even with my stitches on. I could have kissed him on the lips. Pero ano ang ginawa ko? Minura ko siya. Pinalayas. I even told him he killed our baby. Oh, yes. I know I was playing at being the self-centered b!tch. Hindi lang akin si Baby JJ. He was also his. And...
...God's. It had been two months since then. I even asked HIM many times why. Lagi nilang sinasabing ang lahat ng bagay ay may rason. So, bakit pa niya ibinigay sa 'kin kung kukunin niya rin lang naman? "Jeannie kakain na tayo..." I didn't look over my shoulder. I was immersed in finishing the painting I had started in Morocco. How ironic, the one I had done right the first day I told Julian we were going to be a family. Even CM went home to see me after joining the contest in New York. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung bakit pa sila nagpa-barbecue party! Why? Hindi ako naniniwalang gusto nila 'kong sumaya! "Jeannie..." I wanted to be alone! Gusto ko 'yung isigaw. Pero napapagod na 'kong magsalita kahit wala pa naman akong sinasabi. I felt her beside me. "Motherhood is the best fulfillment a woman could ever have."Bulong ng kakambal ko. I shrugged my shoulders. Unti-unting humarap. Gusto ko sanang sabihing nananadya ka ba? But said instead. "You go eat without me." "Jeannie... stop this... to yourself and Julian. Hindi mo ba naisip na... I know it would be too cliché to tell you this. Malulungkot 'yung baby mo kung ganyan ka." I rolled my eyes. Tumayo ako para wala ng pagtatalo. I followed her to the lanai. Nandun silang lahat sa may gilid ng pool. Mommy smiled and waved at me. Pinilit kong pagalawin ang muscles ko sa panga. Hindi nga ba gasgas na 'tong ganitong pakiramdam? You felt like crying but still gave the world a smiling fvcking face. How was that? "Jeannie..." Julian smiled at me tentatively. I asked her with my eyes. "What do you want to eat?" "Anything." Bulong ko. Hindi ko alam kung kailan 'yun nagsimula. Was it the day after I cursed Julian to hell? Pero isang buwan... isang buwan akong niyayakap ni Julian sa gabi habang umiiyak ako. He would rock me to sleep and kiss the top of my head. I remembered that one morning I woke up. Someone was hugging me tight I couldn't breathe. Tama. Ganyan nga. Till my breath would be sucked out of me. Gusto ko ng mamatay. Ayoko ng makaramdam ng ganitong sakit. It was almost unbearable. I couldn't even
go to the nursery room. At lalong ayokong makakita ng mag-ina. Minsan nga natatakot na rin ako sa sarili ko. Pano kung mabaliw ako? Paano kung manguha na lang ako ng bata at angkinin kong anak? God. That was so pathetic. Umiiyak agad ako first thing in the morning. Ni hindi ko man lang nakita kung pango ba 'yung baby ko. Kung may potential future child star ba siya? I didn't even get to hear him or her wail and kick. It was so unfair. At one point I even blamed Julian. Sana pinili na lang niya si baby JJ kung ganito rin lang kasakit. I shouldn't be surprised when an arm drew me closer. But funny I did. Nung panahong iyon. Wala akong pakialam kung nandun man siya o wala. It was only my sorrow that was important. He didn't say a thing. He just snored and let me cry on his chest. I was too selfish to even ask him if he was also in pain about the loss. Our loss. I didn't doubt my love for him. But I started doubting about the future. And life itself.
Months had passed. Siguro okay na 'ko. Siguro. "Jeannie!" Tumaas 'yung kilay ko. Kung makatili naman kala mo ambulansiya. I looked at CM. "What?" I asked impatiently. Tapos na ang christening. The people were everywhere in our house. Ano pa nga ba. I was out in the garden alone. Nakatingin lang sa swimming pool. "Why are you alone?" Lalong tumaas 'yung kilay ko. These past months napapansin kong kahit saan ako pumunta somebody was with me. Nakunan lang ako para na akong nagkaroon ng mga bodyguards. "What's with you people?" Inis kong sabi. "Ah... nothing." He cleared his throat and looked away. "Anong akala mo sa 'kin? Tatalon ako dyan sa pool?" "Hindi naman... kaya lang sabi kasi ni Julian kausapin daw kita at baka..." "Baka magpakamatay ako dito?" Gigil kong sabi. He shrugged. "Yes. Why not? The Jeannie I know so well would be dead by now if she didn't talk even a minute." I looked away and met Julian's eyes across from us. He was still the same handsome devil I fell in love with. But something along the way changed us. Ako ba? O siya? I suddenly missed him. Missed him shouting at me. Dragging me to God-knows-where. He became gentler. Maalaga. To the point na kulang na lang ay suutan niya 'ko ng panty.
Well. I would very much like that. The same spark was still there. Pero somehow along the way... we became more of strangers than lovers. We merely talked anymore. "Alam mo te, may tawag dyan eh." Napalingon ako kay CM. "Tigang. Tuyot. At uhaw sa pagmamahal. In short... kulang ka lang sa dilig." Then he started singing: Bulaklak. 'Yung sasara ang bulaklak bubukaka ang reyna... sheesh. I glared at him. "Pwede ba CM!" "Kung sa bagay... kung magpapakamatay ka mas maraming magiging masaya. Tignan mo nga kung pano paglawayan ang asawa mo. Hindi na nga ako magtataka kung naglalakad na ng nakahubad mamaya 'yan eh." "Ui, do you know that there was another exhibit? This one's the big event of the year. Baka lang... gusto mong sumali. I know that painting has been your outlet after the..." He cleared his throat. Magsasalita sana ako ng dumating si Jean. Karga niya si baby Czarina. There was sudden warmth that I hadn't felt in ages-months now. "Can you hold her for me?" she hesitantly asked CM while looking at me. Ano bang tingin nito sa 'kin? Kikidnappin ko anak niya? God gave me mercy. I gritted my teeth. "Give me baby Czarina..." Nagkatinginan 'yung dalawa. Pag-umpugin ko kayang 'tong dalawang 'to? Sheesh. I forcefully took the almost seven month old baby. She was smiling at me. Oh, goodness. "Hey, beautiful. Ano ha?" I started cooing sounds. CM winced at me. "Jeannie?" "Hmm?" "Bakit ang ne... ne... negrita ng baby ni Jean? Don't tell me 'salamat lotion' lang kayong dalawa?" I opened my mouth in disgust. Trust CM to say all the wonderful things. Napatitig ako sa niece ko. Okay, she's a bit dark. Oh, very dark. Pero maganda pa rin. Meron ba sa pamilya namin ang pangit? Syempre wala. Nakita ko si Julian na papalapit. My heart was beating wildly. Para akong teenager na nakatitig sa kanya. Na naghihintay hingin ang number ko. Tapos papakipot muna ng onti. "Hi... having a great time?" He awkwardly said. I nodded. "Let me see her... oh, beautiful child." "How can you say beautiful agad eh, baby pa nga? Ang itim pa ni Czarina!" "CM!" Sigaw ko. He grinned at me. "Just kidding. Syempre inaanak ko ata 'yang si Czarina no. She'll be as beautiful like her ninang."
"Can I hold her?" He took the baby from me gently. He was cooing and tucking her like he was the real father. Naiiyak na naman ako. Kaya tumalikod na lang ako. I couldn't afford to see them. "Jeannie!" Narinig kong ibinigay nito kay CM ang bata. Tears were already streaming down my face as I turned away. Hindi ko pinansin ang paghabol sa 'kin ni Julian. A hand grabbed mind. "Will you stop running away like a coward!" I stopped dead in my track. Pati 'yung luha ko parang nag-freeze. He was really shouting at me! Then CM gasped. "Jeannie!" "Bakit mo 'ko sinisigawan?" Sigaw ko. "You are acting so cowardly! Ikaw lang ba ang nasasaktan?!" His hand gripped my arm so tight it hurt. "Jeannie! Oh my, I need you." Umiiyak ang baby. Even CM was wailing! "Jeanni-" "SHUT UP!" Nag-chorus pa silang dalawa ni Julian.
"Czarina peed on me!!!" Napatingin kami sa baba ng pantalon niya. Down there... on his crotch. Oh, very good girl. Bata pa lang matalino na. Then the baby started making gurgling sounds. She beamed up at CM as if saying: Maitim pala ha. Mas pinili kong sumabay kay CM sa sasakyan. I didn't want to be with Julian in the same car. It became somehow... awkward. Kung dati kung pwede lang na ibulsa siya ay ginawa ko na... pero ngayon? The silence stretched between us. And we didn't know how to ruin the wall that separated us. Emotionally. Julian was waiting at the front step of the entrance. "Night CM." "Jeannie... give him a second chance." I raised one brow at him. Tapos hinawakan ko 'yung noo niya at pumikit.
"Kampon ni Satanas umalis ka sa katawan ng kaibigan ko!" He gasped. "Jeannie naman oh!" We started laughing. Gah, I missed this. Sawa na 'kong umiyak. But the sorrow kept persisting with every thoughts of what could have been. "I'm thinking about joining the contest CM."
His eyes were uncertain. Parang hindi niya 'ko narinig."Saka makakagawa pa rin naman kayo no, ano bang silbi ng reproductive system mo kung hindi mo naman gagamitin?" I hissed at him. Then he slowly smiled. "Ayoko nga sanang pumayag na maging best man, Goodness gracious Jeannie, ang beauty ko pang-alalay sa kinakasal? I should have been you, the brid-Oh, my God." He covered his mouth. Napanganga ako dun. As in, literally. "What are you talking about?" "Uh-oh. Julian told me not to say that he's going to prop-I didn't say anything." Sabi nito sabay tampal sa bibig. Mabilis ko siyang tinalikuran. I was walking like a zombie toward Julian. I heard the engine of CM's car out of the driveway. Didn't really care. All I cared about that instant was the man I'd hurt so much. I didn't even consider his feelings. He looked like a boy. His right shoe was toying the marbled flooring. He slowly looked up and arched one brow and whispered: "What took you so long?" As if he was waiting for me all his life. He slowly stepped forward. NIyakap niya ako. Hindi gaanong mahigpit. As if he was testing the waters. I didn't push him like I always did in the few months. "Give me a second chance." Could I forgive and just forget? Kaya ko pa kayang magmahal kung hindi na buo ang puso ko? THIRTY Of course, deep down I already knew the answer. I would give him a second chance. Oi, hindi madali 'yung decision ko. Kahit na nga ba sabihing gwapo si Julian at mayaman. Some would even say that I'd won the lottery by having Julian. With raised eyebrow I could very well say na ako si Jeannette Rose Leviste ang tanging taong nakapagtiyaga sa ugali niya. So who was being lucky here? Eh, 'di siya. I stood up and stared sadly at the engraved name: BABY JJ. He was a boy. He could have been months now. I would have given everything to have him crying in the middle of the night waking me up for his breast feed. But of course, I didn't ask for him to do that now. As in now. Baka gusto niya talagang mabaliw ang mommy niya kung iiyak siyang bigla sa gabi out of nowhere. "I'll give your father a second chance, baby JJ. Do you know that mommy loves you so much?" I murmured achingly. I walked down the street. Naramdaman ko 'yung hangin. Ewan ko ba, sa mga novels na nababasa ko 'yung hangin na 'yun 'yung loved ones nila na nawala na. Could it be a sign that baby JJ want us to be together again?
I was trying to smile. I was looking out of the manila bay when the phone started ringing. "Jeannie! I'm sorry. I have submitted your painting. The one with Julian under the shower?"
This was a make-or-break decision. My whole future at stake. Either Julian or Career. Eh, kung karirin ko na lang kaya si Julian? Kung pwede nga lang ba. I walked down the streets of Manila bay and along CCP. I missed these places. Ang hangin tinatangay ang buhok ko. Then my eyes started getting misty. Syempre iisipin nila napuwing lang ako dahil sa lakas ng hangin. 'Pagharap ko nagulat ako. There was this little cherubin who was looking at me. Really looking. Then he smiled. Nyek. Sana hindi na lang siya nag-smile. Okay na sana. Anghel na naging tyanak pa. I started laughing horribly. His teeth were decaying. Tapos one seat apart. 'Yung parang sa cannibal? Tapos 'yung ilong niya kumakalat-lumalapad 'pagtumatawa. Pati siya nakitawa na rin. Baliw ba 'tong batang 'to? Matawa kaya siya kung malaman niyang siya 'yung pinagtatawanan ko? But his cute. Madungis nga lang. At may hawak siya ng mga sampaguita. Ewan ko ba, but my heart suddenly went out to him. "Ate, brokenhearted ka ba?" Ah, ayos. I slowly smiled. He must have been at least eight years old. "Okay lang 'yun ate, marami pa namang lalake dyan. Tignan mo nanay ko nakapag-asawa agad. Sampu na kami!" I winced. Oh, God. Real life drama pala ito. "Really?" "Oo, 'yun nga lang ang hirap ng buhay." I nodded. "Anong pangarap mo?" Kung sinabi nitong maging mabuting asawa't ama babatukan ko talaga 'to. I recalled one of my classmates in High School telling that particular dream of his. Hello? Kahit naman hindi mo pangarapin 'yun, it was human instinct. Caring to your loved ones. Wala ka na bang maisip na matinong ambisyon? "Gusto kong maging doktor ate. Sana... nagamot ko man lang si tatay at 'di siya namatay. Kaso wala kaming pera."
Ngumiti ako tapos naglabas ng five hundred pesos. I gave it to him. Tapos napa-wow siya. Minsan lang 'yan no. Masama palang napapaisip ako, nakakapaglabas ako ng pera. Tsk. Seriously... there were people who were given the privilege to live their life the way they wanted to be. At anong ginagawa nila? Ayun: "Pare let's party! Party! Ilabas na ang cocaine." Oh, 'di ba sosyal? Samantalang sa kasuluksulukang kalye ng Cubao rugby lang. The irony of life, mga may pampa-aral version of classic happy endings were
'yung mga gustong mag-aral walang pampa-aral. 'Yung ayaw mag-aral. This wasn't one of those overrated dramas. It always happened in real life. Sometimes just in Fairy tale stories.
Kung ang motto ko ay: I could kiss and be damned tomorrow. Baka bukas isa na din ako sa mga taong grasa. Ngayon pa nga lang baon na kami sa utang kay Julian. Well, kung hindi mo naranasang mag-promissory note sa school o humabol ng scholarship. And you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Very fortunate of you. Pero kung isa ka sa mga pinanganak na walang kasiguraduhan ang hinaharap. I'm proud of you. Why? 'Coz I believed that 'what doesn't kill you can make you stronger'. I had nothing against rich kids. It was just that I hoped they knew their good fortune. I smiled at him and slowly stood up. I stared fixedly at the blue and white sky. Then I saw a man with his canvass. Hindi man lang nahiya. May mga nakapalibot sa kanya habang nagpe-paint siya. I was a bit disconcerted at first. He wanted to capture the orange horizon with its reddish rays around the sun. How could I let Julian go? I love him so much. Blame CM for this. He was already in New York by now because of that blasted contest. Oo. Ipinasa niya 'yung painting ko. The one with Julian. Not under the shower! 'Yung ginawa ko noon sa Morocco. I slipped into the room with so much as a noise. Nakita kong nakatalikod si Julian. May kausap sa phone. He kept looking around as if it was some top government secret. Masama kutob ko dito. 'Wag lang talaga siyang kakaliwa. Nako. Little did he know that I was a descendant of Gabriela Silang? Beware. Baka hindi niya na pakinabangan 'yung ano niya... 'yung ano... sex aherm appeal niya! Nagtago ako dun sa may corner. I strained my ears against the wall. "Dapat all set na para bukas. I want to surprise Jeannie about the engagement. Thanks mom!"
I suddenly felt like the biggest scumbag ever. Wala na ba akong inisip kundi ang pambabababe ni Julian? Men could be honest, y'know. SOMETIMES. But really, I thought my heart would burst any minute. My eyes got misty. Tapos nagtago akong maigi ng nagmamadali ng umalis si Julian. It was only four in the afternoon, so I think he'd got lots of work to do. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. I wanted to celebrate Julian's awakening!
Namuti na ang mata ko kakahintay sa kanya. I was so angry. He didn't even bother to call if he wasn't retiring early! Damn him. Nagluto ako. I even bled my finger with the bread knife. At ano? Para sa wala. I even asked God to make my cooking perfect. Err, okay. Hindi man ganon kasarap 'yung niluto ko, at least passable naman. Iniyakan ko pa ang paghiwa ng sibuyas. I started putting away the cold food. I heard footsteps. I didn't even look up. Baka maibato ko lang sa kanya 'yung kare-kare at kalderata. Siya pa ang isawsaw ko sa alamang. He didn't really deserve a second chance. "Birthday mo?" I hissed. God. Were all the men in general like this? Or only him? He was still insensitive. Alam mo ba 'yun. Nasugatan ka na, itatanong pa sa 'yo kung nasaktan ka. Stupid. "Hindi." I made face. "Baka pasko." He frowned and arched one brow. He dipped one finger at the dish. Tinampal ko 'yung kamay niya. "That's not for you!" I was acting childish. Who the hell cared. Siya nga ni hindi man lang maisipang mag-text or tumawag. "Oh? Kanino? Sa aso, ganon?" Inis nitong sabi. He slouched on the chair and massaged his temple. He didn't look the man who was so eager to propose. Parang napipilitan lang. "Massage my temples." Lalong tumaas 'yung kilay ko. Kung makautos kala mo bayad na sa kasalanan niya. Diniinan ko ang mga kamay sa ulo niya. Kung pwede lang na bumaon 'yun baka nangyari na. I was hissing while sinking my fingers deep into his skin. "Galit ka ba?" lingon niya sa 'kin. "Hindi." I smiled sweetly. "Tuwang tuwa nga ako sa 'yo eh." A slow sexy... goodness, I might melt, smile cracked on his lips."You prepared this for me." He said that with conviction.
"Gusto ko... kapag nag-asawa na tayo nasa bahay ka lang. I want you here with our children hmm... mga sampu okay na." I gasped. "Anong tingin mo sa 'kin... palahiang bab-oy?" I hissed at him. He laughed loudly and lunged at me. I was screaming when he scooped me up in his arms. "Julian let me down!" I yelled at his back. He turned me upside down. Grabe. He was a cave man! Okay lang kung buhat. Pero hindi ganito na binibiyabit niya 'ko mula sa balikat niya. I was pummeling his back. Oh, right. He even smacked my bottom! Tapos tawa siya ng tawa. He put me down-no-threw me onto the bed. "Julian..." Oh-kay. My breath got hitched. He was unbuckling his pants. Would we start making babies now? Para makaabot sampu? My mind was screaming: I wasn't prepared for this. Hindi joke lang. Pakipot lang. No, I was really a bit taken aback. "What do you think are you doing?" "Perhaps... going to striptease?" He said playfully. Goodness. He even waved his polo up in the air like a cowboy. Had his horse been hidden somewhere here? He should have been putting me on his white horse and dashing me off to a castle and not to a... Err, bed! "You're not serious." He really smiled at me. Nakakatakot itong Julian na 'to."Where's my husband?" I whispered. Masyadong wild at aggressive 'yung isang 'to. He was teasing me, while doing an imitative dance of that of macho men. Grr, hindi bagay! I tried to cover my face with my hand. Of course, alam na, with gaps between my fingers. He was pulling down his pants and oh...
So disappointed. Damn boxers. Panira. He started laughing and crawled to the bed. "Julian no!" I shrieked when he tickled my feet. Our eyes met. I hadn't noticed that he was already on top of me. Our bodies touched. Were there flames everywhere? It was getting hot. I didn't want to close my eyes for a second because Julian might vanish into thin mists. I hadn't thought that I could love this much. Siguro nga sa 'ming dalawa mas malaki ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Yes, he loves me but not as much as I do. Lagi namang ganon 'di ba? There would always be someone who would give more love than the other. Sa relationship, Oo. It was proven and tested. He kissed me passionately. Yes, words were mere words until you felt them. You experienced them. Hindi lang sarap ng pisikal. It was more.
More that you couldn't define. A kiss wasn't just classified into: smack, chaste, French or torrid. No. A kiss meant everything. Brotherly kiss. Fatherly, or whatever we could think of. But this was one? We were groping for each other. Thirsty. Like we could satisfy the months, almost a year without this physical aspect of our relationship. He nipped my lower lip and kissed each corner. I even hugged him tight to myself that I thought I couldn't breathe anymore. It was hot and explosive. "Stop..." He groaned. I was trying to capture his mouth. Alright, I was too eager. Ayoko nang magpaka-ipokrita. We were husband and wife in the eyes of God. Maybe we sa 'min. believed C'mon! I
were immoral in the eyes of the society. Papel lang ang kulang Not that I was saying 'living in' was justifiable. Pero... I that you couldn't go play around if love wasn't involved. wasn't raised to be promiscuous.
But I wasn't running for a Maria Clara nominee either. We should all know our limits. At ang sa 'kin. Si Julian iyon. I was bound to him. By God and by love. Goodness, ang keso ko. I just wished that... when we grew old together it would still be like this. Sisigawan niya 'ko. Tapos sasabihin ko 'ano?' kasi hindi ko na maririnig kasi bingi na 'ko. "What?" I would scream if he told me: no. What? Siya nga 'yun ang manre-reject? Eeh. Nagpapa-yummy pa kasi. "It's just..." "Just?" I asked impatiently. "'Wag ka ngang excited." I gasped. "Excuse me?" I glared at him and he started chuckling! "I just want to make this time... gentler." I was like: OH? With arched brows. Wasn't it a bit too late for that? After the way he took me that first time? He was going to tell me to go slow? Ach. He was really something huh. I was about to shout at him to go to hell when he started raining tiny kisses down the side of my face. So, this was his idea of going slow eh? Parang ako ata ang unang mamamatay. He was killing me softly. I was choking back the words. Malikot ang mga kamay nito. Slow. Gentle. Like he really wanted to get acquainted with every part and pore of me. He loved me. Touched me and kissed me like there was no tomorrow. I didn't know it was like this. I thought and heard about sex was all hot and sweaty. Of course, 'yung x-rated version ba naman ang panuorin
mo na pinahiram pa sa 'yo ng Good Influence and Morally Upright mong c'mate. Well, it was very different. And almost the same. Whatever. The heat and the rush were there. He came back to my lips and kissed me openly. "I love you..." He whispered as he claimed me. There was no pain this time. We soared. I screamed. He groaned. At pumunta kami sa banda roon. For the first time, I tasted a morsel of heaven. Where we could hear our breathing as the music playing in our ears. Or it could be our heartbeats. "I love you more..." I whispered against his hair. He was cuddling against my bosom. He loved me like this would be the last time.
CM talked to me on the phone earlier. I was a bit tensed. Hindi ko alam kung dahil... dahil alam kong ngayon magpo-propose si Julian. Which he thought I had no clue of. Nilagyan niya ako ng blindfold. "Don't tell me ipapa-salvage mo 'ko?" I tried to joke my way around him. He was also tensed. I could feel it in his hands. Na nakahawak sa bewang ko. "Okay na ba?" "Not yet." He took the blindfold off. I was happy and overwhelmed to see all of them. Sila mommy at daddy. Everyone. Kahit 'yung mga associates ni Julian. Even Brad and Vincent were there. And Jean with her baby. I started crying because... because... He kneeled down on his knees. And put out the ring. Nung una nga hindi pa niya mahanap. I wanted to laugh at his clumsiness. Akalain mo 'yun. The great Julian Sunico was trembling. Well, every man had his moment. Lalo na 'yung mga nagpo-propose.
I shouldn't be surprised but I was.
I was staring into his eyes. And God, how I loved this man with all of my heart. Posible pala. Akala ko hindi. Maybe I was really living in one of those fairy tales and that I would be woken up by my mother. Late na pala ako sa school. "Will... you," he cleared his throat. "Jeannette Rose Leviste be my wife?"
I blinked once. Twice. Thrice.
And looked at everyone. The diamond ring was sparkling. As if telling me to say yes.
Nakita kong napahigpit ang kamay niya sa hawak na box. Tears streamed down my eyes. I couldn't help it while nodding rapidly.
"I love you... you know that." I whispered through my blurring vision.
"But I'm sorry... I... can't."
I even once asked many about which would they prefer: love or career? I couldn't very well answer my own question back then. Pero... sa totoong buhay. Hindi lahat ng tao mas pinipiling mag-settle down kaysa piliin ang opportunity na ibinibigay sa kanila. In reality, that's why we have choices. Because we couldn't have them all. CM's motto: opportunity knocks only once on one's door. I was nominated for a one-year exhibit and tour around the world. Didn't you know that not all dreams come true? I needed to grow and that didn't include
Julian in the picture. It was the most painful and hardest decision to make. Did you think I wasn't hurt? Did you think I might be selfish? Pero hindi nga ba mahirap abutin ang mga pangarap? I didn't want to look back one day and blame Julian for not fulfilling my dream. Ngayon ko lang na-realize tama sila. Gasgas na pero... it wasn't him, it was me all along. I cried my heart out when I saw the defeat and... hatred in his eyes. I was really sorry.
THIRTY ONE Compromise. I should have put that in Julian's vocabulary. But didn't I ever know that a person in pain overlooked everything? Hindi nga ba't mas natatabunan ng sakit ang logic? He walked out on me. I should have been the one running away after doing the rejecting. But no. He did. And I was chasing him. As always. I didn't cry. For once, gusto ko namang maging matatag sa mga desisyon ko. I didn't even dare look at everyone. Alam ko, they would ask me the why's and what's. Didn't you still have a clue that I love life? And so I did Julian. I found him in the adjacent room. His back was turned to me. His forehead was bent against the wall. He didn't bother to turn around when I shut the door closed. I smiled bitterly to myself. "Julian..." Akala ko dati, kaartehan lang 'yung mga nababasa't napapanood ko. That 'finding yourself' wasn't really true. Ano bang alam ko nung time na 'yun? Gusto ko lang maging magaling na pintor. Gusto kong matupad ang mga pangarap ko. And it was my dream even before Julian entered my oh-so-boring life. True. Sa mga single, lagi kong sinasabi noon na... mas masarap maging single. Masarap walang pinagkakagastuhan kapag monthsary. Kasi wala ka ngang ka-monthsary! Walang naninigaw sa 'yo on the phone when you couldn't text him. Why not? Either I had no choice 'coz there was no one had dared to hold my hand at that time. O dahil sa dinami dami ng lalaki sa mundo walang sumigaw sa 'kin ng katulad ng pagsigaw ni Julian. Or they weren't as sexy as Julian. I tried to smile. Again. Yes. It was very true. Hindi lang naman lalaki ang makakapagpaligaya sa 'yo. Literally and... hmm figuratively. You could live without them but somehow... let's be honest; life without them was a boring world. Ano? Magtititigan na lang tayong mga babae? At the back of our minds we wished for someone to fill the cold nights. With phone calls! LOL. And warm hugs. Ano ba, syempre masarap pa ring merong pipilit na kunin 'yung kamay mo in public kahit kunwari ayaw mo.
"I'll be away for a year. In New York." He didn't turn around. "Julian... painting is my very first love. Before you." I pouted and looked out of the window. "Wala ka pa. Nandun na 'yun eh." "Wala ka bang sasabihin?" "Gusto kong sabihing naiintindihan kita." Bulong nito. His fists clenched. "Pero masakit Jeannie. You could have told me yesterday. Or even last night! Yes. What was last night? A farewell tumble in the dark?!" He was now shouting. Nung humarap siya. Siguro hindi na 'ko natakot. He looked at me from head to foot. "Isang... taon lang 'yun Julian." "One year Jeannie? Do you think a year is only a day for me?"Galit nitong sabi. Gusto kong isigaw sa kanya: If you love me, you also have to love what I do! Pero alam kong hindi ganon kadali 'yun. Kahit ako man, kung iiwan ako ng lalaking mahal ko sa harap ng altar baka mapatay ko siya ng wala sa oras. Pain was pain. There was no way around that but time. But wasn't that our problem? Time. "I won't... ask you to wait for me Julian. 'Coz I don't know what will happen." Reality bites. Long distance relationship only stood a chance as big as my thumb finger. Unless you tell me, you stood against odds and still be together after a year. Kung anim na bwan nga 'yung iba wala na. Isang taon pa kaya? I wasn't being pessimistic here. Just being realistic. Heart grew colder with the absence of the other. At hindi naman sa wala akong tiwala sa mga lalaki. In general. But hey, men are men. C'mon! 'Wag na nating lokohin ang sarili natin. Abstinence was an avoidable word in their dictionary. Mamamatay 'yan kung isang taong walang putahe sa hapag kainan. It might sound exaggerated. But it was almost true. Of course, there was always an exemption. If and only if they'd devoted themselves to God. Pero hindi nga ba kaya nga kakaunti ang pari sa mundo? At ang iba pa sa kanila'y. Glory be to God. Nagkakasala. Not that I was here to sit judgment. Those were just life's facts. "Jeannie I will..."
Wait for you... My breath got hitched. That was what I wanted to hear from him. Ang gulo ko no? I asked him not to wait for me but then I wished with all my heart that he would. Sino bang nakakaalam kung bakit ganito ang mga babae? "Never forget you." I wanted to slap him at that moment. So, dapat ba magpasalamat pa 'ko? Utang na loob ko pa bang hindi niya 'ko makakalimutan? Dapat bang magpaparty pa 'ko? He smirked at me. "Gusto mo bang sabihin ko sa 'yong hihintayin kita Jeannie? Then what... after our promises to one another." He paused. BITTER! "After a few e-mails and letters. Postcard greetings. It would deteriorate with time. What if you find someone new?" "What if you do?" I hissed at him. He shook his head. "Hindi kaya maglolokohan lang tayo?" He gave up on me. 'Yun lang ang naiintindihan ko sa lahat ng 'to. "You're giving up on me." He shook his head. "It seemed cliché but I'm letting you go." Was there a difference? Iniba niya lang ng phrase pero ganon din 'yun! "Jeannie... if you stay you choose... me." I gaped at him. So this was what he called letting go huh. "However, if you walk out of that door. It meant... goodbye." I gritted my teeth. Oo, natetempt akong mag-stay. Pero pano na lang 'yung mga pangarap ko? Hindi lahat ng tao nabibigyan ng ganitong opportunity. Para akong robot na naglalakad. My mind was made up. I chose my path. And Julian didn't want anything to do with it. "Julian..." I whispered when I was in between the door and the outside world toward achieving my dream. "Get out Jeannie." A mere whisper. But it hurt a lot. "I... lo-" "Don't tell me you love me, dammit! Just... just get the hell out of here!!!" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at naisara ko agad ang pinto. I bit my lip to stop from crying out. Narinig kong ang pagbagsak ng mga gamit at kung ano mang mga nagkalat na basag doon. I didn't care. I didn't really care. My heart was breaking into pieces. God, couldn't I just have both? Somehow... maybe I would eventually forget him. "I'm sorry baby JJ. We disappointed you."
Two years later.
"Jeannie!" I raised one brow. Sino pa bang titili ng ganoon kung hindi ang kaisa-isang kaibigan ko sa mundong ibabaw. I mopped my forehead with the towel. "Busy?" I shrugged my shoulders. "What?" He smiled sheepishly. "So what time's your date later with Rick?" Todo smile ito. "You know dear, I like him." I cleared my throat and glared at him. "For you. Ano ba Jeannie..." defensive na sabi nito. "Of course, I won't ask where you are going. Kung gagabihin kayo... e, este uumagahin, it's okay with me. I understand. I really do." I glared all the more at him. Sakalin ko na kaya 'tong kaibigan kong 'to? He tried looking over my shoulders. "Ano ba 'yang ginagawa mo ha?" Tingin pa. Hinarangan ko 'yung painting sa likuran ko. "Wala. Let's eat. I'm hungry." I tried pushing him toward the kitchen. Bago pa man ako makapagsalita ay nahugot na ni CM 'yung tela mula sa canvass. Sh!t. He arched one brow. "Sino 'to?" I avoided his scrutiny. Then shrugged. "Pwede ba." "Ah. 'Yung lalaki sa panaginip mo? Tuwing gabi dinadalaw ka?" "CM!" He looked at the painting more closely. "And damn if he wasn't handsome here and nude. Ex mo?" Kung makapagtanong kala mo inosente! I gritted my teeth. "You might be seeing somebody I don't know." Galit kong sabi sa kanya. I snatched the cloth from him and covered it again. "And correction, he isn't nude here." "Eh, 'di topless. Ang arte. Ganon din naman 'yun. Nahiya ka lang pero ang ido-drawing mo talaga nude." I started preparing for our food. We now shared a unit. Two years. Actually, it was a year, eleven months and twenty seven days. Nakalimutan ko na siya. He didn't exist anymore. Bakit ba hindi? Sino bang unang nakalimot? I e-mailed him, sent postcards and letters.
And they were all returned! Except for the e-mail syempre. "Jeannie..." "What!" "You haven't forgotten him." "Who?" I asked innocently. "Baka si Piolo Pascual." Inis na sabi sabay irap. "Jeannie... kung magmamahal ka, huwag mong ibigay ang lahat. Magtira ka sa sarili mo, para sa susunod na magmamahal ka ulit may ibibigay ka pa." Napa-smile ako kay CM. Para kasing sinapian na naman siya ng masamang espiritu. It was so un-CM like. Totoo naman. How could you love another if you couldn't love yourself? I spent time wandering around the world. I won the painting contest. Yes. It was all worth it. But deep inside there was that wishful thinking that somehow... he should have been there at night to cuddle me. Malay ko bang nagkaroon pa kami ng baby JJ the second. "I've already forgotten him CM. Wala na... ni hindi ko na nga natatandaan kung pano siya ngumiti. Kahit... kahit 'pag sumisigaw siya hindi ko na matandaan kung pano nagiging singkit lalo 'yung mga mata niya. At lalong hindi ko na natatandaan kung pano siya..." "Humalik?" Inirapan ko siya. I was starting a new life now. No more... Julian.
Rick was handsome. In a fashionable way. He was half-Canadian half-Filipino. Mabango. Gwapo. Matangkad. And very gentleman. I was even looking out for some signs of imperfection. I wanted to brag about finding someone new. Moving on and all...
Rick might be the angel sent from above. At si Julian ang devil. I snorted. He raised an inquiring eyebrow at me. "You seemed preoccupied." "Me? Ah, no." "You look... beautiful and sexy." I smiled at him. At bolero! Na ni minsan hindi man lang ginawa sa 'kin ni Julian. I shook my head. This was our first date. My very first date after almost two years. "I know... thank you." Pa-humble pa.
I looked at his impeccable white shirt underneath his coat. He was really one hell of a handsome man. Kung siya ang mapapangasawa ko ulit. Malamang magiging gwapo o maganda ang magiging anak namin. Save that he wasn't... Julian. He held my hand. Nabigla ako. His hand started squeezing my thighs. My eyes grew wide. Uh-okay. He smiled at me. "You know that I like you Jeannette." Pisil pa. I tried hard not to jab him in the ribs. So now he wasn't perfect. I hissed. I know, we were in the 21st century. And this was New York! Kulang na lang ako ang gawin niyang dinner. I took hold of his hand. Bago pa kung saang impertinenteng lugar mapadpad iyon. I tried hard not to glare at him. Para siyang sawa. Kahit anong pigil ko sa kamay niya kung saan napupunta. He was as sleek as a snake. I was looking out of the crowd when I met a pair of eyes. I couldn't breathe anymore. Hindi dahil nasasakal ako sa yakap ng katabi ko. Goodness, those black eyes. He stood up and moved right to the door. Mabilis akong napatayo. I couldn't ever forget that face. Akala ko ba nakalimutan mo na siya! Grabe. Ang hirap kausapin ang sarili mong isip. "Hey, where are you going?" I squeezed through the throng of people. Naiiyak na 'ko ng hindi ko na siya makita. The people were blocking him. Takbo. Lakad. Dammit. Excuse ako ng excuse parang wala namang naririnig!"Julian..." Bulong ko. I saw this man with his black coat. The same with... "Julian!" "Um... sorry miss?" Parang gusto kong lumubog sa kahihiyan. Ano ba. Bakit ba 'ko ginaganito ni God? I didn't really care about him anymore, did I? Sino bang niloko ko? 'Yung kuko ko sa paa? I turned around in defeat. I gasped. There I saw him. Two damned years... of not seeing him. My heart speeded up. I realized then that I missed him...
I missed slapping him. Yeah. He was walking beside the very lovely Tricia. Could I just pluck that lovely hair out of her head? Just this once.
THIRTY TWO Operation Iwas. Whenever I bumped into someone I didn't feel like being chummy-chummy with, the most effective way I do was simply pretend to busy myself with finding my purse or looking at something in the opposite direction. Pero hello? Wasn't it too obvious of me? Nakita ko na sila't lahat. Wala akong dalang bag para mag-pretend na may hinahalungkat. I had failing eyesight. Yes! I had as of today, this exact minute. Pero pano ko idadahilang near-sighted ako, eh, kung tutuusin ilang hakbang na lang sila sa'kin? Damn. I gnawed at my lower lip. My hand was sweating coldly. This wasn't what I'd envisioned of seeing Julian again. Bakit ang hirap magkunwaring hindi ka nasasaktan? When in fact you wanted to cry in front of him? You know what; I believed that there'd be that one person you couldn't ever forget in your life. Siya 'yung sa dinami dami ng nakahawak ng kamay mo. O kung marami man. Siya lang 'yung perfect fit para sa 'yo. 'Yung totoo? Pwede mong sabihing 'hindi from a mouth of a heartbroken. Rubbish. Kasi... we were made to be human. Human falling and falling in love... over and
na 'ko magmamahal ulit'. Words You'd be a big time liar. nature na 'yun. We'd keep over again.
But to those who had passed by. Tandaan niyo, may isang maiiwan diyan sa kasuluksulukan ng puso mo. Either he or she stayed or not for keeps. Hindi nga ba makabayan si Rizal? Siguro kung buhay pa siya active siya sa United Nations. Why not? Iba't ibang lahi ang mga minahal niya. But he had one great love. Leonor Rivera. I'd tell you I Hindi lahat ng if it was from hindi lahat ng
could love again but there was only one Julian Sunico. nasa kasalukuyan ay siyang one great love. I didn't know Bob Ong: Hindi lahat ng nagmamahalan ay magkasama at magkasama ay nagmamahalan.
So I was very confident. Kahit sampung Tricia pa 'yan, ako pa rin ang mahal ni Julian. My breath got hitched. They did pass me by without so much ashi! Parang gumuho 'yung mundo ko. Iyon pala ang ibig sabihin non. "Jeannie?!" I didn't turn around. "Jeannie? Jeannette Rose Leviste?" Leviste? Leviste huh! I closed my eyes. So, she did remember me huh. God give me strength not to throttle the two of them. At lalong ayokong umiyak sa harapan nilang dalawa. I automatically turned around and
placed a robotic smile on my lips. "Hi." "You still remember me, don't you?" Excited na sabi nito. "Of course," nanadya ka ba? Gusto kong isigaw 'yun sa kanya. She seemed nice and genuine. Alam ko, lahat ng third party ang impression sa kanila ay masama. But no, in my rational state of mind, trust me, Tricia was kind and sweet. Pero hindi ako rational ngayon! "God. You've changed. You've thinned a little. But it's okay!"Before I knew it, she was hugging me. Argh. I met a pair of dark eyes. Those eyes I'd painted in my mind. And he looked bored! As if he didn't recognize me. Gusto kong itulak si Tricia. So he was here, without telling me. At bakit pa Jeannie? Ano pa bang koneksyon niyo? He should have told me, for old times' sake! Para ano? Para saktan ang sarili mo? Bakit mo pa kasi siya hinabol?! My hands were shaking due to the cold December night? Or because the chillness in Julian's stare? I wasn't so sure. "Anyway, Jeannie..." lumingon ito kay Julian. "Julian ano ka ba! Para namang wala kayong pinagsamahan." My mouth almost dropped open. Goodness, pinagsamahan? That was an understatement of the century. He shrugged his shoulder and tilted his head toward her. Na para bang isa lang siyang matagal ng kakilala. "Julian..." Hinawakan ni Tricia 'yung braso nito. I rolled my eyes heavenward. "What? What do you want me to say? Long time no see? Nice seeing her again?" Napabuka 'yung bibig ko. He was referring to me now as HER. As if I didn't-ah, no, no... never exist in his life. As if I'd never been in his bed! Anong tingin niya sa halos isang taongpinagsamahan namin? One-year stand? Damn him. I felt like crying at the same time bashing him in the head. Akala niyo ba babae lang ang bitter kapag hindi maayos ang ending ng relationship? O walang closure? Somehow men took it all in. They were the high and mighty Mr. Macho men. But deep inside... they were more hurting. Because they couldn't let it out in the open. They couldn't cry shamelessly like women did. "It's okay Tricia." I so smiled at her. But ah, it hurt. Tapos biglang parang bumbilyang nag-lighten up 'yung mukha niya. "Jeannie! Since you're here, I'm going to ask you a favor. You won't mind, right?" "Tricia-!"
Julian gripped her arm to shut her up. I frowned. Favor? Could I just kick myself for still standing here and not walking out on them? "I... I..." Hindi ko sinasadya. As in hindi. Napatingin ako kay Julian. And he was looking back at me. His hands were inside his jeans pocket. One brow arched in question. "Tricia... don't make her lie to you to come up with an excuse. I think she's busy with her dreams." He snorted! Nanlalaki 'yung mga mata ko. I knew a sarcasm when I heard one. "I... I'm not busy Tricia. It's okay." Ilang beses ko na bang sinasabing 'it's okay'? At ilang beses bang para kong sinasaksak kapag sinasabi ko 'yun? "Oh, my God! Thanks Jeannie! So much." "Ano ba 'yun?"
"Jeannie I want you to be my maid of honor!" May bomba bang sumabog? It was like I couldn't breathe. She even put her ring finger in the air. It was sparkling with... diamond? Deymmmmm... Damn... Didn't Julian try to put something like that on me two years ago? "Jeannie?" Tricia eyed me. "Are you okay?" "I'm... okay." Gusto ko ng sakalin 'yung leeg ko. What was okay here? I looked at them both. Nakayakap si Tricia sa braso ni Julian. I saw the way he perused my expression. "I'm okay... I'm..." I started laughing, choking... a laughter that caught on a sob. "Jeannie?" Tricia asked again. "Are you crying?" "Ah... no, no... I'm... just... just... too happy!" I felt like crying!Tumatawang pinunasan ko 'yung luha sa mga mata ko. Gusto kong sumigaw sa kanila: Nanadya ba kayong dalawa? I felt like an idiot. No. I was an idiot! I was trying to tell myself I had moved on. Hindi ko alam kung may dapat ba 'kong pagsisihan. Like, I should have been in her place, right? Or we should have been building a family now? Pero... kung siya ang pinili ko maabot ko ba 'yung mga pangarap ko ngayon? Did you ever feel empty inside? Like there was this giant hole in your heart. I left Julian so that I could grow on my own. I left him... because I had no choice. Meron man akong mga choices. 'Yun naman 'yung mga choices na wala sa options ko. He asked me to choose between him and my career. Bakit hindi niya na lang hiniling sa 'king hintayin niya 'ko? He could even fly here once in a while.
Nagagalit ako sa kanya. Because he didn't even put up a good fight. He just let me go. Just like that. "You... just... call me Tricia. I have so many things to do." Hindi pa man ito nakakapagsalita ay tumakbo na 'ko palayo sa kanila.
I was sobbing like a child. Napatingin sa 'kin si CM. I didn't care. Eh, kung nakakaiyak naman talaga 'yung Dvd na One More Chance ni JL at ni Bea Alonzo. Lalo na 'yung part na bumabalik si Basha kay Popoy. He winced. "Why are you crying?" "Nakaka... iyak... kaya. Huwaaa..." I hiccupped many times. And cried again. Tumingin ulit siya. This time slow motion 'yung pagbaling ng ulo niya. Na para bang nababaliw na nga ako. "W-what?" He rolled his eyes heavenward. "Ang corny mo 'te." Now that stopped me from sobbing. "Excuse me?" He sighed exaggeratedly. "Mag-aartista ka ba? Kung sabayan mo ng pagiyak si Bea Alonzo, palitan mo na kaya! Kung umatungal ka parang baka." He hissed at me. "Bakit ba kapag brokenhearted ang tao konting masaling mo lang ng movie o sad songs umiiyak na?" "Malay ko..." I shrugged. "Mukha ba 'kong brokenhearted?" Itinaas nito 'yung kamay ko at ginawang puppet. "'Yan. Tanong mo sa sarili mo." I glared at him. "Alam mo ba... I saw..." "Julian? Yep. He's here. I've seen him with Tricia. Nag-aayos kasi sila ng kasal-" My mouth dropped. Goodness, he knew? "You didn't tell me?" He shrugged again. "Baka kasi makita na lang kitang nakabigti na dyan kaya 'di ko sinabi. Alam mo friend... you don't look brokenhearted." He nodded solemnly and looked back at the wide screen. "You look suicidal." Naiyak ako ng malakas sa sinabi niya. "Julian's business got bankrupt Jeannie. He couldn't take a day or two to go here for you back then. Alam mo naman siguro 'yun... he thought you left him because of that." I gasped at the seriousness in CM's voice. Well, he was damned serious. "I didn't."
"Well... he thought. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Sa sitwasyon niyong dalawa. Hindi si Julian 'yun. You knew the family scandal. He was sucked dry by Vince Gonzalo. That's why he let you go..." "WHAT?! Just like that? Ganon ba kaliit 'yung tingin niya sa 'kin?" He shrugged. Nagsubo ito ng maraming popcorn. "Teka nga bakit ang dami mong alam?" "He talked to your mother. Your twin told me..." "Maybe it's better this way... I'm... oka-" "Okay? C'mon Jeannie! You have to be dead to be okay." Silence. "Jeannie!" "What?" "Why don't you take Julian back?" I slowly shook my head. Ah... no. Hindi ako ganon ka-kontrabida. I was never fond of maltreated protagonists. 'Yung mga tatanga-tangang sumusunod sa yapak ni Cinderella. Well, at least I didn't have evil stepsisters. Si Julian lang talaga ang evil dito. So what would happen to Tricia? "Julian will have a stag party! Bakit... bakit hindi na lang nating totohanin 'yung pikot?! I'll put you inside a cake box. Yes that's it!" I groaned aloud. "CM!" Napaka-brilliant talaga ng idea nitong bestfriend ko eh. Grr. The phone started ringing. "Hello?" "Hey, it's me Tricia. Ahm... Jeannie lulubus-lubusin ko na ha," I stared stupidly at CM. He smiled evilly at me. "Pwede mo ba 'kong samahan sa OB? I want this to be a surprise-" Surprise! The phone went out of my grasp. Mabilis iyong inabot ni CM. "Ano Jeannie? Ibabalik na ba ni Tricia si Julian?"
Now I knew the expression: ASA! OB. Baby. Julian. Tricia. Laruan... tama. Sino bang laruan dito? THIRTY THREE I now know the word STUPID, all in capital letters, as I stared outside the glass panel from here. And little did I know that, that word would be applied to me someday... and that someday happened to be now.
Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Gusto kong magalit. Pero kanino? Sa sarili ko? Kay Tricia ba? O sa napakawalanghiya kong ex-hubby. Ah, no. Not ex. Never EX. We weren't even married, legally speaking. Wala nga lang sa kanya 'di ba? He'd even moved on and forgotten all about me. All about baby JJ. At ngayon? Hindi ko alam kung unti-unti ko bang pinapatay 'yung sarili ko. Was there such a thing? Could pain kill you? Hindi naman siguro. Pero isa lang sure ko... jealousy could kill. Err... I hated him. "So... shall we go?" Tricia smiled at me. She was wearing a floral dress with a cardigan. Very fashionable, eh? Napatingin akong bigla sa tiyan niya. "Are you sure?" She looked down at me. "Uh-huh. I haven't been celibate say..." GOD. Kailangan pa ba niyang sabihin 'yun? "Five months now." Argh. Anong pakialam ko?! Kahit 24/7 pa 'yan! Parang convenient store. So it was five months going huh. Utang na loob! So was it any consolation that Julian mourned over our relationship for over, almost one year and seven and a half months? "Actually I wanted it to be a surprise." "Yeah." As if. Ano bang ginagawa ko dito? Nagpapakamasokista? Maglaslas na lang kaya ako? Nasa baba na kami ng condo building ni Tricia. I was still silent and mum about it. "So... how are you? Someone new?" I wanted to smile and tell her: Yes, I've found someone new and I'm very much happy. You and Julian can go to hell together, for all I care. Hindi ba magmumukha akong bitter? And that would be sheer hypocrisy. Big time.
Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung bakit pa 'ko pumayag samahan siya sa OB. At saka hello? Bakit dito pa? Pwede namang sa Pinas 'di ba? Oh, c'mon! Don't tell me nauubusan na ng OB don? Maybe because half part of me was harboring a tiny hope that either Tricia was a certified scheming b!tch, that she was lying for all that Julian's worth (which was what I would have also done if I were in her place) or she was just too insensitive. Pano kung sila talaga? After all, Tricia was the first real love of Julian.
"Are you okay?" Lumingon ako. Sabay biglang labas ng doctor. Hindi siya buntis... hindi siya buntis... nagdadalang-tae lang si Tricia. No! Oo, alam ko, too bad of me to pray. Pero pwede ba at some point lahat tayo nagiging makasarili kapag nagmamahal 'di ba? Now I was getting all worked up. And disgusted with myself. "Ahm... mrs.?" Sa sobrang lakas ng kaba ko parang ako ang mahihimatay.
The doctor smiled widely. So God wasn't on my side. "Congratulations! You're two and a half months on the family way." I was rooted to the seat. Tricia was half-laughing, half-crying. Gusto kong sumigaw na ang O.A. mo Tricia! Dahil bitter ako... sobrang bitter. "Thanks doctor." Itinayo niya 'ko. Halos akayin na ko ni Tricia. I tried to smile. Palabas pa lang kami ng clinic. "Tricia!" I closed my eyes to keep my emotions intact. We turned around and Tricia quickly ran to him and hugged him. I averted my eyes away from the scene. "It's confirmed Julian! Thank you..." So it was confirmed. They were together. Hindi ako iiyak. Julian only looked at me. Had I seen in his eyes how he wanted me to be sorry? Dahil iniwan ko siya? Dahil pinagpalit ko siya sa mga pangarap ko?
Tinawagan nila si CM. It was time to celebrate. Iba na ata ibig sabihin niyon ngayon. Mag-iinom kasi broken hearted ka. Nauwi kami sa videoke bar. Tricia was spared to drink any liquor. God forgive me. Pero minsan naiisip kong patirin si Tricia. Lagyan ng kung anong valium ang inumin nito. Tsss. Spell desperada. "Congratulations! Let's cheers to that. May we all have an everlasting friendship! Walang agawan. Walang iyakan. Give love on Christmas day!" CM cheered. If he meant something well, nobody dared question it. Eh, pareho-pareho naman kaming insensitive dito! Hindi ako makangiti. It was awkward. Tapos pumili na ng kanta si Tricia. Nakakatatlong baso na ko. Before I could even drink my fourth glass, a hand grabbed mine. I met a pair of chinito eyes. What the hell-
"It's your fourth glass. You're drunk." He hissed. I raised one brow. Ano bang pakialam mo? Tinanggal ko ang kamay niya at ngumiti. I drank it in one fill without breaking the eye contact. "Ahm... excuse me Julian pwede bang dito ka na lang umupo? Diyan ako sa tabi ni Tricia. I'm going to sing. I can't read the lyrics from here." I eyed CM with warning. My so-called bestfriend just ignored me! Sa pagkakalipat nito ay nalipat si Julian sa tabi ko. Umusog ako sa gilid palayo. Magtabi kami ni CM. "Jeannie can you move a little over there? Masikip." CM smiled at me innocently. I gasped. At sabay tulak sa'kin. I was ushered into Julian's lap. Julian's hand steadied me from slipping into the floor in the other side. "CM!" Julian was also shocked. "I'm sor-ry... Oh... my God." I looked down at his hand. This was what you called Women's violation!
His hand was there.
There at the side of my ahm... waist. Under my lo and behold future! Almost there. "Move a little upward." "Exactly." my words. Uh-oh. Hindi naman ako 'yung nagsalita non 'di ba? Julian's grin was deliberate. Oh, no! Hindi ko sinabi 'yun! I was drunk. Yes. I didn't know what I was doing. Yes, yes, that was it. Then we turned slowly. CM smiled at me. "Sige tuloy niyo lang 'yan." He mouthed. "Tricia's busy singing. Just don't make any noise, mmkay?" I looked at Tricia. She seemed really oblivious. Mabilis akong tumayo despite the dizziness. Julian's teasing smile froze me in place. I thought I'd forgotten that mouth. That lips... I had kissed many times before. Did it still taste the same? Oh, god. It was the tequila making me think this way. Tricia was singing... my eyes grew wide. "Love will lead you back. Someday I just know that love will lead you
back to my arms-" CM raised his arms in the air. "Hallelujah!" Pumikit ito na parang nagbi-vigil. At iwinagayway ang kamay. I winced. Oh-kay. Uh-oh. Tricia frowned. "Ooops. Sorry. Hindi ko sinasadya." CM said drily. If I know! Pinindot niya talaga 'yung stop button sa remote control. Para akong masusuka. I covered my mouth and ran to the bathroom. Hindi ko alam kung sinong sumundo sa'kin. Someone was caressing my back to and fro. "I told you, you shouldn't drink." Galit na sabi nito. So... it was the high and mighty Mr. Sunico huh? I gritted my teeth. My eyes were getting misty. I missed him. I missed his nearness. I missed him shouting at me because he was concerned. "Aren't we here to celebrate?" I blurted out bitterly. "Of course," he said sarcastically. "So I've heard about your new boyfriend." Biglang nag-iba ang tono ng boses nito. It was like he was a menacing predator the next. He moved forward. Hindi naman ako claustrophobic pero parang nasosuffocate ako. "Is he making you happy Jeannie?" He laughed sarcastically. [color=]"An artist also. Goodness... so you aren't any different from your sister."[/color] Gusto ko siyang sampalin. Pero hindi ko magawa. I had no strength anymore. Who told him about Rick? That maniac. I slowly smiled at him. "Yes. He's making me happy Julian. More than happy... Do you know what?" God forgive me for this. "I liked it rough. Like you taught me. We screwed in the backseat... I was even comparing notes. Kung sinong... mas magaling!" I hissed. Julian's chinky eyes turned into slits. He moved forward. His hands grabbed my shoulders, shaking me. I was ready to puke."Oh, you love it, don't you? Why not for the last time Jeannie? Do you know the word fvckiiiing qui-ckie?" He was mad. And so was I. His head came down upon me. Bruising my lips. Demanding. The same heat and intensity was there. But I didn't try to hold back, slap him or lied about not liking it. My tears rolled down as the cold nights and empty sheets lay behind the almost two years. And more years to come... He'd be gone from me... forever. Was there such a thing? Forever. Maybe it was just spelled that way. For ever. Sa'min ni Julian? It should have been Neverever. There was always someone in the way. Jean was the first one. Though he didn't love her... it wasn't me he really got tangled with. Tricia was the second one. I closed my eyes. He pushed me away from him. As if I had a contagious disease. At least... he was still as affected by me as he was. Some
consolation. "Congratulations. Isn't that what you want to hear from me Julian?" I asked him sarcastically. I didn't dare wipe the tears. What for? Couldn't he see my heart breaking into pieces in front of him? I felt my lips were swollen. If ever my lipstick smeared, I swear, I'd file a lawsuit against its manufacturer. I smiled to myself humorlessly. Ang love parang lipstick, kahit gawa 'yan para hindi matanggal o mapalis basta basta darating at darating pa rin ang expiration date niyan. He shrugged at me. Na parang walang pakialam! Anger was always okay than indifference. Totoo 'yun, kung nagkita kayo after so many years at hindi naging maganda ang break-up. Tatlo lang 'yun. Thank you because you left me. I'm still mad at you because you hurt me (In truth, it meant... I'm still in love with you) kasi bakit ka kailangang mag-waste ng emotions sa isang taong wala namang halaga sa'yo? And indifference... you're nothing to me anymore. He looked up. "Kung iniwan kita non? At sinabi ng pamilya kong pakasalan ko si Tricia dahil papalubog na ang business naming Jeannie? What would you feel?" I was a bit confused. Kung ginawa niya 'yun? Syempre magagalit ako ng bonggang bongga! Pero... maiintindihan ko ba siya? Syempre kung tanong lang 'yun madaling sabihing: I'll understand you. Pero hindi, eh. That would be sheer stupidity. Walang taong ganoon kabait at kamartir. O kung meron man... hindi ako 'yun. "Jeannie... our family's business is my dream. Katulad mo. And at that time Tricia was my only chance of ever achieving it."Malungkot itong tumingin sa kanya. I started crying. I got his point. Kaya galit siya sa'kin. Kung ginawa niya 'yun noon. If he ever chose Tricia for his dream over me... I would still be mad at him. I groaned when I overheard CM asking him when he went out:"Ano 'yan? Lipstick?" THIRTY FOUR How many times did I pray to God that this was just a nightmare? I should be waking up now. Pero hindi. I was still wide awake. For some reason, I thought dreams were made to escape the painful reality. Pero lalo lang akong binabangungot. Hindi na 'ko magtataka kung isang araw ay hindi na'ko magising. It was all too vivid. Because the truth was becoming real to me with each passing day. Ilang araw na ba nang bumalik ako dito sa Pilipinas? Isa lang ang na-realize ko: Ang tanga ko no? Ang tanga-tanga ko. "Okay, get in line please!" I stared numbly at the organizer. CM nudged my shoulder to keep going. Kung umayaw ako, maiintindihan naman nila 'ko 'di ba? Dapat intindihin
nila 'ko. But why should I be the one to understand them? Walking down the aisle with the one walking down the aisle with the one bridesmaid was out of the question. sa pinakamagarang award na makukuha walang panama sa 'kin.
you you Now ko?
love is every girl's dream but love when you happened to be the tell me, sino pa bang tatalbog Kahit nga si Janine San Miguel
I was the first among the Miss Stupidest runners-up. "Okay, music please..." There was a pianist. Goodness, 'felt like it was my death march. "Jeannie." "Ha?" Napatingin ako sa paligid ko. Sa 'kin lahat sila nakatingin. CM was eyeing me... pitifully. What had I done now? "What!" I snapped at the organizer. Tricia smiled at me hesitantly and reached out to me... "What?" "Jeannie... You're holding the bouquet." Parang slow motion... napatingin ako sa kamay ko. I was clutching silly at the bunch of flowers. Kunwari tumawa ako. Then I gave Tricia the flower. When I looked up I met a pair of dark, chinky eyes. Alam mo ba 'yung feeling na nagsisikip 'yung dibdib mo? Like you were getting suffocated due to pain? Na lalong sumasakit ang dibdib mo kapag pinipigil mong umiyak? That was how I felt just by looking straight at him. My sister was staring helplessly at me. As if I was a dimwitted, hopeless case retard. She tried to pat my hand but I turned away from her. Naiinis ako kasi masaya siya at ako hindi. Ang selfish ko no? I was hurting too much to be sensible. Kasalanan niya 'to. I glared at her. Nanlaki 'yung mata niya na parang sinasabing: Oh, anong ginawa ko sa'yo? She shouldn't have made me replace her. Hindi ko na sana nakilala si Julian. But then... This practice was a major catastrophic event in my life next to having lost baby JJ. Super duper sa superlative. Sana naman kung nakikinig siya... somehow he could guide me. Willed her mother to be strong. Kasi feeling ko, either mabaliw ako or maisipan kong mag-suicide bombing sa loob ng simbahan. I was walking like a zombie. I didn't know how I dared to be here. Fighting spirit. Free will. Or pride? I didn't know. They were right in front of the 'pretend priest' reciting their bows. Alam mo ba kung gano kasakit 'yun? Hindi. Of course, you'll feel my pain. But not really. Kasi sobra. This was what they called almost dying. The pain was excruciating. My heart wasn't just broken into two, but into many pieces.
"Julian Sunico, do you take this woman as your lawfully wedded wife?"
My vision became blurred. Para akong nasa pelikula. Pero sana... sana lang may take two. Sana may cut. Para naman alam ko kung kailan pipigilan ang emosyon. No... Don't Julian.
"I do." Just as the words were out. Hindi ko alam kung anong masamang espiritung sumapi sa 'kin. At take note: sa loob ng simbahan. I ran away from there as fast as I could. Out. I started crying and... vomiting. Kawawa naman 'yung mga walang kamuwang-muwang na halaman. Lalo na 'yung mga caretakers. But at this point in time, all I cared about was myself. Nakakadiri ako. Oo na. Sipon. Luha. Lahat naghalo na. I couldn't stop from sobbing.
"Are you okay?" I slowly looked up. Syempre nahiya ako sa ayos ko. I brushed my hair away from my wet face. He handed me a towel. He didn't say a thing. Neither did I. I just found myself sitting on the bench with him. And he started talking. And of course, me listening. "Do you know, I love this woman greatly." Gusto kong isigaw na wala akong pakialam. If he was sympathizing with me, great. I didn't need another broken heart. Mine was enough for me to handle. Actually, I couldn't handle it at the moment. "But she couldn't... she couldn't love me back. Her boyfriend got her pregnant. When he left her I was there to catch her. That is what love is... isn't it? You have to give, to sacrifice and to understand. Pero anong alam ko nung time na 'yun? I didn't know that I was doing that specifically for her." You have to give, sacrifice and understand. How cruel love is. "So I married her." Napalingon ako sa kanya. "But after all those years, she's grateful to me. But I didn't want her
gratitude. I started hating her for not loving me back. I turned to women from night to night. The only way I knew I could hurt her back..." He shrugged. "Mali ako. Nagkamali kami pareho."
"And you hurt Julian the most." Bulong ko. Understanding what he meant. Sa totoo lang hindi ko naman talaga maintindihan kung anong ibig sabihin ng love. Sabi nila wala daw definition 'yun. Pero naniniwala akong meron. But only... we had different meanings of love. It was only up to us how to show it. How could you let go of something that wasn't yours in the first place? How could I forgive Julian for letting me go so easily? How could I stop the pain? Would time really help me? Or would it just get worse? Hindi naman nakakamatay ang pagiging brokenhearted 'di ba? Unless maglaslas ka. Go figure. At one point, we did things we would never have thought for the sake of love. Nakakatawa no? Manood ka ng XXX tuwang tuwa ka. Makakita ka ng PDA sa labas yamot na yamot ka. LOL. It was like that in love. Magulo. Hindi mo maintindihan. Not that I was saying love was connected to lust or so. Whatever. "I think, you just have to tell him that at some point you love him as a son. Akala niya na-neglect siya. Sinisisi niya 'yung sarili niya sa divorce niyo." Mr. Sunico smiled at me. "You're a good woman. God will give you the man you are looking for." I crossed my fingers and hiccupped. Sana nga... I was walking down the memory lane. I loved him... I love him still... But things changed. I stopped dead in my tracks. He was there, standing as if he owned the world. Like he always. But this time... there was one thing he didn't own anymore. "Sa tingin mo ba kung mabubuhay tayo ulit gugustuhin mo pa rin akong makilala?" I tried not to croak. God. I really tried. This time I was successful. He frowned at me. "Why are you asking this nonsense?" "Nonsense?" I laughed. "Just as I am to you, right?" "Jeanni-" "Kung hihilingin kong maging masaya ka, that would be sheer hypocrisy Julian, but then I wished with all my heart that you'd be happy... if only that is with me."
He was looking down at the stones. Nothing to say. "I loved you." Julian whispered.
Ngumiti ako. Loved. Bakit pa kasi nauso ang past, present and future tense? EPILOGUE part one.
"And in another life I would be your girl We keep all our promises, be us against the world And in another life I would make you stay So I don't have to say you were the one that got away The one that got away."
"The one that got away..." I hit the high-pitched note as I imitated Katy Perry's song. Somehow I know it by heart. I smile softly to myself. Oh, no don't go there anymore Jeannie. I start hating the phrases what ifs and what could have beens. Regrets are those for what you can't have done. Pero kung sumigaw ba'ko ng mas malakas, maibabalik ko ba lahat? Had I cried openly would he... would we... What if... there is a time machine? Or Reincarnation is real? Would I have made him stay? Would we meet again? Sa totoo lang hindi ko alam kung anong formula kung pano manatili ang love. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nagpe-fade 'yun. Relationships: Sawa to awa. Kung may love potion lang malamang bestselling item 'yun. Meron sa buhay natin na darating. Someone who can make our hearts beat faster. Your skins tingle when you touch. And we thought he will be Mr. Forever. Well, never naman akong humiling ng Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect. Eh, 'di sana tumaya na lang ako sa lotto non 'di ba? They were one in a million. O kung hindi man... None in a million. My cell phone is ringing. Binagalan ko 'yung pagda-drive. "Hello?" "Ako... ang iyong konsensya..."
I grit my teeth. "CM." He's laughing. "Hey, where are you? Haven't you been with Roy? He told me you're not feeling well. Alam mo naman 'yung tao kung gano nag-aalala sa'yo. He loves you-" I sigh. Napangiti ako. I feel a pang of uncertainty. "Yeah. Yeah. Didn't I already know that? I'm on my way to-" "Tita! Where's my pasalubong?" I hear that from the other line. With rolled eyes. "Give the phone to Czarina." "Tita Jeannie! Where's my psp? My laptop and..." she keeps rambling. Halos mapaantanda ako sa gustong ipabili nito. Parang umo-order lang sa menu kung humiling. I chuckle drily. So like Jean... Somehow, I always envy my twin. Deep down... I know there's always something that kept me apart from her. And hearing her daughter's voice made me wish... that I were her.
Splitting hairs. I am always splitting hairs. Unknowingly comparing myself to other people. First to Jean... then to Tricia. I bet you didn't guess how insecure I am. I am funny, yes, I laugh about that. I am beautiful, but of course, and I find someone more beautiful than I ever am. Hindi niyo siguro napansin. Pero lagi akong humihiling na sana ako si ganito. Ako si ganyan. I've never been contented in my whole life. Well, hell, sino ba? I've always dreamed of something big. Kaya nga siguro deep down, I thought I could never live up to Julian's standard. I was a scared rat. Love is a very frightening thing. Do you ever believe in destiny? Eh, 'yung tao ang gumagawa ng kapalaran niya? Tsk. Ang gulo ng mundo no? If you ended up together after so many endeavors. Wow, God must have pitied upon you. Congratulations! That started the word forever. Pano kung mahal niyo ang isa't isa pero kahit anong gawin niyo... however you struggled with fate you still ended up... apart? Well, better luck next time, next life. Is happiness really elusive? Hindi ko ginustong mag-asawa ng maaga pero hindi ko rin naman pinangarap na tumandang dalaga. I put down the flowers. I raised one brow. Meron ng bumisita dito? I hear a child's laughter from a distance. "Merry Christmas! Nagpaparamdam ka ba sa'kin baby JJ? Did you miss mommy?"
I kneel down. I close my eyes and pray. Na-tense ako. My eyes grow wide when I see a pair of a child's feet. "Oh, my-" tyanak...Napaatras ako sa pagkabigla. Paskong pasko, may dalaw! The child is holding a doll. She is thumb sucking. Her eyes are chinky. She reminds me of... Tantan. "Sino ka?" I wince. Siya ang na nga ang nanggulat. Siya ang nagtatanong. Then a woman came running in uniform. "Naku... halika na," the maid smiles tentatively and take the child's hand. I feel that emptiness again, to have held a child of my own. I wish the doctors are wrong. "It's been... five years..." I whisper and close my eyes and it all came back to me.
"Wala bang tututol?" Sisigaw ba 'ko? I placed a hypocritical smile on my lips. I was looking down at the tiled floor, biting my lower lip 'til I almost draw blood. I didn't dare look at everyone... or anyone for that matter. I was praying with all my might that God would give me strength to get through this. Hindi man ako tumingin alam ko... alam kong lahat sila sa 'kin nakatingin. Gusto kong itanong kay father. Kung tututol ba 'ko papakinggan niya 'ko? Hindi ba masasayang ang effort ko kung mapapahiya lang din naman ako? "So... let's proceed." My heart sank to the pit of my stomach. My fate was sealed. I was doomed to be a spinster forever. O 'yun 'yung gusto kong palabasin ngayon. Kasi nasasaktan ako. What was far more hurting than seeing the one you loved walk down the aisle with someone not you? "Julian August Sunico, do you take this woman, Tricia Leyva Cheng to be your lawfully wedded wife? In sickness and in health 'till death do you part?" Do you know how sick I was? My hands were shaking all over. I was going to throw up any minute now. My vision was getting blurry. Ayokong magpaka-ipokrita, at this point I was wishing them the worst. It was like in slow motion. I looked up. Sana hindi na lang... sana... Julian was looking at me. I almost snorted. An overwhelming urge to slap him was building deep inside me. The corner of his mouth twitched in a lazy smile. No... not mocking... but it was as if he was telling me that everything would be alright. Pero pano?
"I do." It was all over. Now I know what the phrase 'killing me softly' meant. Bakit ganon no? Lagi nating sinasabing hindi tayo nag-eexpect pero deep
inside, alam natin, we were hoping against hope. CM patted my shoulder. So it was really over? The end. Finish. I was staring numbly at Jesus Christ. I slowly smiled. Was he also mourning for me? Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko na kaya. Everybody was cheering. There were a lot of well-wishers. Natulak. Nasangga. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari. I wished I was in a time warp. My eyes got misty. Nakita ko na lang si Tricia na naglalakad palapit sa'kin. Kung pwede lang akong sumigaw ng freeze katulad ni Ella, ginawa ko na. They were all staring, expecting and gaping at us. She smiled at me. Ayokong tumingin sa tabi niya. But he was there... his hands were inside his jeans pocket. One. Two. Three steps.
Tricia was in front of me. Giving me the bouquet of flowers. "This is for you Jeannie. Thank you... for everything."
My hand was trembling as I took the bouquet from her gloved, white hand. Tumalikod ito. Julian took that particular hand of Tricia's... that hand that signified letting go while he was looking... looking at me.
...at me.
...at me.
...at me.
Bakit ba hindi nakikinig ang sariling puso? Hindi kaya hindi lang natin alam pero nilagyan ni God ng utak ito sa loob? Our hearts were more stubborn than the owner himself. I wanted to let go... of the pain. But I couldn't set the love free so easily. That was the last of my full thoughts. I heard someone scream. Or did I? I fainted.
Present. Roy hugs me as he hands me his gift. "Merry Christmas, dear!" I smile at him. My eyes twinkle. Sana Coach bag 'yung matagal ko ng inuungot sa kanya. He was an event organizer in New York. I met him through, of course CM. Half-fil, half-canadian. Well, he is a handsome and charming man. Well, I learn to like him through the years. Bakit hindi, sabi nga ni CM titigan mo lang ng buong araw busog ka na. Czarina comes running with my mom. "Hija! It's been a long while since you came back..." CM clears his throat. Napatingin si mommy dito. I roll my eyes. "Merry Christmas!" Nakita kong may ibunulong si CM kay Czarina. Knowing CM, wala akong tiwala. As in. WALA AKONG TIWALA, all in capital letters. She beams at me and kisses my cheek. "I love you tita. Sa'kin okay lang 'yung trip to Disney land." Lang huh? Okay lang. Na para bang diyan lang sa Star City ang hinihiling nito. Jean's laughing and kisses her daughter. "Good girl." I gasp. Goodness, kunsintidora! CM handed me a box. I raised one brow. Wallet? Necklace? My mind's warming up with all the expensive gifts I can ever have from him. I snort. "Special ka kaya." CM but in. I snort. This time louder with matching ubo pa. "Special child." Sabay tumawang parang demonyo. 'Yung tawang: Mwahahaha. That Christmas eve we open our gifts. Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako kay CM o ano. It was a dvd disk. Kung Titanic ang laman nito paniguradong gagawin ko talagang parol si CM. I almost throw it in his face. "Mamamatay ka na ba at ito ang gift mo? O kaya naghihirap?" Fine. I'm being ungrateful. But isn't Christmas about giving? And someone told me... AND receiving as well? But dammit if CM isn't having his joke time again. He pouts. "All I want for Christmas is... Jul-youuuuuu!" Hindi ko siya pinansin. I loathe that word. That name. That Five-letter fvcking word. No... not name. Just a noun. Nothing else. That morning I wake up and watch that video. Hindi ko alam kung bakit o kung anong nagtutulak sa'king panoorin 'yun. Somehow... I am restless that Christmas day. Don't you know that Christmas had just been a
holiday word to me? Entirely foreign. The video is blurred at first. Then a face so familiar comes in view. Parang na-paralyze 'yung buo kong katawan. I almost touch the stop button on the remote control.
It only reminds me... that one person that got away. EPILOGUE Part Two
"Wala na po siya." Nakaalis na siya? Damn. Stupidass. Okay. Hit me on the head. Tanga na ba talaga 'ko? O ako na ang pinaka-tanga sa lahat ng tanga? Ginagawa ko ang hininging pabor sa'kin ng taong sanhi ng kalungkutan ko? Oh, well. Siguro mabait lang talaga ako. Define mabait. Hindi ko alam kung bakit gusto niyang magkita kami ngayon. At sa sobrang katalinuhan ko... dinaig ko pa si Rizal. Magpatayo na rin kaya ako ng monument sa Luneta? At least he died for his country, ako? Because of just one man? Because of love? God. Damn him... Damn he-who-has-no-name. I close my eyes tight. Nanginginig na naman 'yung mga kamay ko. Syempre sinama ko si CM. He'll be the Ice breaker, if ever. He knew where. Kaya nga gusto ko ng pagtakhan si CM. "I'll just wait outside." I raise one brow at him. Napatingin ako sa malaking bahay sa harapan ko. The house is overlooking the Taal Lake. Something warm tugs at my heart. I suddenly blush. Lofty thoughts Jeannie... Bulong ko sa sarili ko. Malamig talaga dito. Masarap sana kung may kayakap. Sayang... It's that-damn man's fault! My sigh is long... "I'll promise that after this... I'll try with all my might to for-" Biglang may isang petal na lumipad at dumikit sa gilid ng bibig ko. 'Nu ba 'yan... Panira ng moment! The white petal looks... familiar. "Ma'am?" "Ha?" I turn to, I take it, their caretaker. Have she heard me? Oh, no. CM tilts his head to one side as if shooing me. He's on the phone. Of course, murmuring love words. And no doubt... obscene ones. 'Wag niyo ng itanong ang mga details. Knowing CM. Alam ko... matutuwa-I mean, kikilabutan lang kayo. "Sige, salamat aalis na lang-"
"Kayo po ba si Ms. Leviste?" I nod. "Sumunod po kayo sa 'kin. Ipinagbilin po kayo ni ma'am... Tricia." I raise one brow. I'm looking around the house. My heart constricts just by imagining myself having a family. Having my own child. With... him. "Ma'am?" Napalingon ako. My eyes grow wide as we enter a white room. My eyes get misty... I so remember those days. Those days that I love him. Those days that I thought I'll hate him forever-which I'm doing a poor job of it. Those days... I wish I have again. Maybe... just in another lifetime... I'd have made him stay. Hindi ko napansin na ako na lang pala mag-isa. My knees become weak. There are pictures... portraits I remember vaguely. Vague. Malabo. Hindi dahil nakalimutan ko na... kundi dahil hindi ko ginustong maalala. Pictures of me grimacing on our wedding day. My so-called doomsday before. Life-size photos of me... in Morocco. That was our best time together, wasn't it? Para 'kong nanghihina. Hindi ko napigilan ang hindi mapaiyak. Sobra. It's bittersweet. "You... bought my paintings?" I start hiccupping. May nag-abot sa'kin ng panyo. I take it... and sniff. "Yuck. You're gross." Napalingon ako sa my, my heart beat namaywang pa! Her to me?" She pouts
bulilit na katabi ko. She's looking up at me... And triple time. She frowns at me. "Who are you?" At chinky eyes turn into slits."Hey, lady won't you talk prettily. Three teeth are missing.
Cute. I wince. "Ikaw... ikaw 'yung..." "Ikaw 'yung babae sa cemetery!" Saan ba nagmana ang batang 'to? Hindi ba tinuturuan ang mga mayayaman ng GMRC sa exclusive schools nila? I slowly chuckle at the thought. Long ago... I ask that myself. It reminds me of... "Oh, my God! Anak ka ng-" demon... Oh, God sorry. Anak ka ni...Mabilis akong napakapit sa mukha nito. I cup both her cheeks. "Jade!" My eyes grow wider. I stop cold in my tracks. The kid skids away from my grasp.
"Daddy! There's a woman here! She's a strangeeeeeer!" Napapikit ako. Kundi ba naman nakakatulig 'yung pagtili niya. I bet she'll shake the whole house off. Parang slow motion sa pelikula. Naiisip ko lang kung pano 'yung next scene. I slowly turn around. You know what, somehow... I start hating myself. Naramdaman mo na bang kahit anong sakit ang idinulot niya sa'yo, he can still make your heart beat faster? Naramdaman mo 'yung feeling na kahit na pilit mong sinasabing wala lang siya sa'yo pero isang tawag lang. Isa lang. Kahit pangalan mo lang. Hindi mo pa rin mapigilan ang sarili mong umasa? There's that tiny part of you that says, idiot don't let go. And everyone who fell in love became stupid. Agree? He slowly squints. He stares at me for the longest while. I even thought he will run to me and hug me. Close. Tumangkad ba siya? Gumwapo? Tumaba? Lalong pumuti? No. Five years gives him justice. He's... more attractive. The mature lines on his face tell on the wise years. He's thirty-something now. "What are you doing here?" And more domineering than ever. Biglang tumigil ang pagpatak sana ng luha ko. Sana. I count one to ten to stop myself from shouting at him. Hindi ako manunumbat. I'll act matured... sophisticated. Like he never existed in my whole life. He's expressionless. Pero nakita ko ang panginginig ng kamay niya habang hawak ang anak. Yes. A four-year old chinita girl. "Bingi ka ba?" "I'm going." Galit na nilagpasan ko siya. "Are you here to laugh at me Jeannie?" Just a mere whisper."Or to mock me of what I've done? Now that you're successful?" Hindi ko siya pinansin. Bakit ba? Hindi ba dapat ako ang magalit? Anong karapatan niya? I walk to the door. "Have a... happy life..." "Is that a fvcking curse Jeannie? Do you know... you creep under my skin." Mabilis akong humarap sa kanya. Sasampalin ko siya. My hand stop in midair as a I hear a gasp. Nakalimutan ko... she's there. I say instead, "You're always good at hurting everybody. So yeah, I'm thankful now 'coz I didn't get to live with you forever. That will be very horrible Mr. Sunico." I turn my back on him. So, this is goodbye. "I'm not sorry for what I did Jeannie." Hindi ako ineexpect Ang hindi How could
makapaniwala sa mga naririnig ko. Eh, ano pa nga bang ko mula sa kanya? He's still the high and might Julian Sunico. matibag-tibag na lalaki. Kaya nga nagtataka ako sa sarili ko. I have loved him? Galit na pinunasan ko 'yung mga mata ko.
"I'm just... sorry I let you go."
I open the door and smile to myself. I'll be over him in no time at"Daddy, she's... she's the one in your study room! Her picture's-" Julian covers her daughter's mouth. "Tisha Jade!" I met a pair of chinky eyes. Not Julian's... more like Tricia's."It's the truth." She pouts again. "Sabi ni mommy, bad daw ang magsinungaling!" Dapat matuwa ako. But by God, how dare him do that. Anong kayang sinasabi ni Tricia? Nakita kong tinignan ng pagkasama-sama sa anak. It works. Long silence stretched. The little girl bit her nails. "Tricia's gone."
The video. I remember the video in my mind's eye. "Jeannie..." she smiles at me. That face. I can't breathe again. Do you know the word pain? I guess, you'll tell me yes. Now I guess painful is the best term. Full of pain. It fades as time goes by. I thought it did. Madaling sabihing mag-let go. Madaling sabihing hindi ko na siya mahal. Pero mahirap gawin. Hindi dahil ayoko. Kundi ayaw makinig ng puso ko. Nung bata ako, akala ko kapag hinalikan ni Prince Charming si Snow White okay na. They'll live happily ever after. Juli- He even did more than his fair share of kissing, didn't he? I forget his name. I tried to. Pero sino bang niloko ko? 'Yung kuko ko? Gusto kong magreklamo sa Disney! Bakit pa kasi sila nagpaasa. They open my child's eyes that there is a prince charming. That somehow... Aladdin will whisk me off with his magic carpet. And that... he-the beast will turn into a handsome prince and he'll give the word forever a meaning. "Merry Christmas Jeannette Rose Leviste!" She waves her hand. I frown when the screen zooms in on her face. Parang hindi siya... hindi naman sa pumangit siya o... Oh-kay. Pumangit siya. Parang umitim ang balat nito. Nangingitim ang ilalim ng mga mata nito. "I don't know where to start." She sighs. "Anyways, I'm not sorry I took Julian from you." Parang nanikip 'yung dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. "I'm just sorry that I hurt you. Ang kapal ng mukha ko no? Alam ko sasabihin mo, Oo." She looks straight at me as if she is really seeing me.
"They're the happiest years of my life. Not that I love Julian..."She raises her hand. Na para bang pinapatahimik ako kung ano mang magiging violent reaction ko. Na gusto ko ngang gawin. Bakit ba gustong gusto niya 'kong sinasaktan? I always thought of her as the kind, sweet girl. Though yes, I still want to yank that lovely hair out of her face which is covered with a bonnet. "Oh, he loves me." She laughs heartily. Ewan ko ba, baliw na ata ako. I know something is very wrong here. Hindi ko alam kung ako ba? Dahil dapat makaramdam ako ng galit. O siya? Dahil nakakangiti pa rin siya sa'kin ng ganon. "But not the way he loves you." She paused. "Do you know..."she bit her lower lip. "I envy you... you have the zest for life Jeannie." Naramdaman ko 'yung basa sa pisngi ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. "Bakit ikaw ang maiinggit sa'kin Tricia? Nasa 'yo 'yung gusto ko. Nang-aasar ba siya?" "I even salute you when you left him for your dreams. Considering mayaman si Julian." She shrugs. "Not that sinasabi kong mukha kang pera." Natigil 'yung muntik kong pagsinga. Grabe! Si Tricia talaga oh. Nakakasama ng loob.
Back to the present. I blink thrice. He's... jesting right? "Mommy's gone to heaven. How long is it daddy? A year... A year... hmm." She looks at me. "You can be my mommy again, Daddy always looks at your picture when he thought I'm not there. I even heard him talking to you-" "Tisha Jade!" He's now roaring. Para akong napako sa kinatatayuan ko. I can't seem to take it all in. Relief floods through my bloodstream. Ang sama ko ba? My eyes water. Tricia's... dead? No. Gone. That's why... "She's got Leukemia. It was traced way back when you entered my life Jeannie." He whispers. "That, or rather our families hastened our engagement. But you came..." mahinang sabi nito. Gusto kong maiyak sa itsura nito. Na para bang hinihiling sa'king unawain ko siya. "No." He chuckles humorlessly to himself. His hand tightens his hold on his daughter. "Jean came and unknowingly, you replaced her. She had already a bone marrow transplant then. We thought she's already okay. Tricia... she never looks a day sicker than she is. Until when I came to New York to find you." I gasp. Surely... surely I'm wrong?
"She's dying Jeannie. She just wants to live her last years making her family happy. They want her to have a family. Her own." He smiles sadly. Kinarga niya ang bata. I am now sobbing silently. It's like I can hear Tricia saying thank you to me... to Julian as we went out of the OB that day. She thanked me on her wedding day. Am I that selfish? I wish her ill many times in the past? Now what? "It's true Jeannie." Napalingon ako. I muffle a gasp. CM knew? Oh, God. It comes as a shock! He nods rapidly. Kaya pala... hindi na siya sumali sa painting competition? Kaya ba hindi ko na siya napagkikita non? It's almost nothing compared to what I endured. Living your life knowing that somehow you have a timeline. Everyone has. But then... knowing that you know it's sooner. CM shrugs. "Ano ba! Tigilan na nga natin 'to. Nakakaiyak naman kayo. Bilis na Jeannie! Tricia's happy wherever she is. Saka... naghihintay na sa'kin si Roy. We have a date!" He shrieks. "Julian just kiss Jeannie. Para matapos na 'tong usapang ito. French kiss. 'Yung parang magkukuhaan kayo ng oxygen sa isa't isa dahil-" Julian's glare still work. Goodness. That shut him up. Five years... five long years. Mabilis tinakpan ni Julian ang tenga ng bata. Take note: Roy is CM's boo. Gays, queers(halamang dagat) are lovable. I love them both. Nadagdagan 'yung bestfriend ko sa katauhan niya. "Jeannie tell him what you feel-" I glared at him. "Julian I-" 'm sorry. "Jeannie ang bagal mo naman kasi pano kayo magkaka-" "Ang dami mong alam eh, no? Sige ikaw na! ikaw na!" Inis kong sabi kay CM. He innocently looks up at the ceiling. I hiss. Pakialamero. "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry." The years stretch between us. Both don't know how to cross the distance. Nakita ko siyang humakbang palapit. Naramdaman ko na lang 'yung sarili kong mga paa na naglalakad din. All the pain is swept away. If I'm dreaming... as cliché as it may seem, please... I still don't want to wake up. He cups my cheeks. "I still want to be a part of your life." He suddenly pulls me into an embrace that robs me of my breath. Ang drama ko. Pero wala akong pakialam. Walang reunion na hindi madrama. "There will be times that I'll still shout at you..." I nod. "There are times that I want to shut your lovely mouth sweetheart, 'coz I know how persistent and talkative you are."
I nod against his polo shirt. Wetting it. The child is amazed; she's even crushed in between. "I love you." It's now or never... if he can't accept me for what I am about to confess. "I can't bear anymore child Julian. The doctors said it after I've had a problem with my-"
He stares at me long and hard. "It doesn't matter anymore."Gusto kong isiping umiiyak din siya. Pero walang luha don. But his eyes are glazed. Emotions kept hidden for so long is written there. I love this freaking insane and mad guy with all my heart. He gave love a bad name, didn't he? I smile. "I'll be your mommy." Naningkit ang mga mata nito. "You're not as pretty as my mommy." Talaga naman. CM starts laughing. Julian tries to suppress his chuckle. "It doesn't matter." Mabilis kong hinawakan ang leeg ni Julian. "I love you..." He whispers before he bends down. Love. Love is a very frightening thing. But if you believe in it. In God. In all that is possible without the eyes really seeing it. Well, I don't know about ghosts... or Tricia. But hey, I'm very grateful. Not grateful that Tricia died. Hindi ko naman hiniling siyang mamatay. Hindi naman ako ganon kasama. Five years. Pain and sadness. Now there's joy. Overwhelming joy that I'm afraid isn't real. Don't ever be afraid to love. How hard it is, be yourself. And believe that dreams do come true. I wait for that long overdue kiss. French kiss. Like we need to breathe each other's oxygen. "Jeannie." "Hmm?" "I built this house... remember that first time?" "What first time?" I ask innocently. Sumimangot ito. "That forgettable huh? That day in the car when you yelled like you wanted m-" "Julian 'yung bata!" I hiss. CM's giggles are getting louder."Just..." I sigh and smile at Tisha Jade. I think I'll love her. Oh, I don't just think. I do now. Hindi nga ba at ang bata ay regalo ng Diyos? Damn evil stepmothers to hell. I promise Tricia I won't be one. That I'll still miss baby JJ. I kiss her on the forehead. "Just kiss me Julian." He smiles tenderly. Para siyang bumata ng ilang taon. Thank God. Thank God really. "Merry Christmas!" He murmurs with no one in particular. I close my eyes and wait... wait. "What!" Inis kong sabi. Bitin. "Uh... nothing. It's just that... Tricia and I never lived here. It's...
This is meant for you." Oh, how I love him. Thank Jesus. I close my eyes again. I can feel it... Ito na. Happy Ending na. "Jeannie?" I close my eyes and groan. "What now?" He smiles at me and whispers: "Hindi ako marunong manligaw." I start laughing. Akalain niyo 'yun. Nakagawa na kami ng bata noon. Naghiwalay. Nag-asawa siya. Natupad ko mga pangarap ko. Pero... hindi pa rin niya alam 'yun? Shhh. Until he kisses me... it's as if I can still hear Tricia. Hearing and seeing her like I did through that video early this morning.
"I have a gift for you Jeannie. It's a long time coming... you know. Only, will... will you do me a favor?"
No, Tricia, you did me a favor. I smile to myself as I hug Julian close to myself. This is our wedding night...
"Hey, mommy, you're pressing too close! I can't breathe!" I close my eyes in frustration as I look at her chinky eyes. Oh, well. What a wedding night. Julian grins at me and winks, promising a one hundred and one pleasures in life... and in the next lifetimes, I hope.
