SAY HELLO 7 BULLETPROO BULLETPROOF F CONVERSA CONVE RSATION TION ST STARTERS ARTERS
Everyone wants to know… what’s the FIRST thing I should say to her? Well, that’s what we’re going to cover here. You can’t move things forward if you don’t have her attention. Unless, of course, you can convince the owner of the bar to play a mix of music with embedded subliminal commands. But that’s just plain creepy. And I don’t want you to be creepy – I want you to be bold. Let’s talk about what my goals are not when I’m opening a conversation: making her like me trying to win her approval avoiding rejection being too nice… Sensing a trend? I’m not trying to be a jerk, but a girl may think I’m a butthead – which is somewhere on that !ne line between con !dence and arrogance and has a lot to do with being bold and having fun. As Fifty Cent once said, “a bold act creates its own favorable circumstances.” One of the great fears which leads to approach anxiety is that a man is not worthy of a woman’s attention – that once he has it, he’s going to mess things up. Part of this is that he doesn’t think that he himself deserves the woman’s attention (and that issue is outside of the scope of this bonus – see Unbreakable for that). The other part is that he doesn’t trust his skills. It’d be like asking a total wimp to be the Sheri! of a tough town in the Old West. If he didn’t trust himself with a gun, it’d hardly be fair to ask him to participate in a shoot-o! at high noon. The good news for you is that the stakes aren’t nearly as high. The bad news is that, while we’re not in the Old West and no one is challenging you to a duel, you DO have to approach girls at some point in your life unless you wish to remain totally celibate. Getting back to the point at hand, you’ve got to be OK with having a woman’s attention on you. ALL of it. You’ve got to be OK with her evaluating you and feeling out your “vibe”. You’ve got to be OK with her giving you a cold shoulder – maybe to be a bit of a challenge, maybe for real.
You have to be OK with the fact that you might screw it up and fumble – even with that girl you’ve had your eye on for awhile. You’ve got to be OK with the fact that she could be really boring (it happens more often than you’ think). And you’ve got to be OK with the scariest thing of all – the possibility that she might actually think you’re fun/cute/charming and that she would want to keep talking to you! If you can’t be OK with these things, you’ll "nd it mighty hard to approach women. In fact, a sure"re way to tell the di ! erence between a guy who is experienced, and a guy who is just blowing hot air, is how much the guy thinks he can control the outcome of the approach. The “pros” have approached enough women to know that they have little control over the approach, and they’re OK with whatever comes their way. Another distinguishing trait of pros is that they relish the excitement of having the attention thrown on them. Some think of it as a game, some as a competition, and others just really like women and to let their killer instinct out. In any case, the spotlight of a woman’s attention brings out their best (if this is something you struggle with, the topic was covered extensively in Say Hello Part 1). There are a lot of ways to capture a woman’s attention. You can ask them a question, or join the conversation, introducing a new topic. You can make a personal statement (like a compliment), a personal observation, or ask a personal question. You can start hitting emotional buttons right away with your body language, your facial mannerisms, and certainly your words. And as a reminder – the more emotion you create, the quicker and sharper you’ll have to be. You can’t do/say one thing that creates a huge emotional spike, then return to being timid. Emotions are like waves. Don’t just lap at the sandy shores of her attention – create something that’s fun to “surf”. And if you happen to create a Tsunami, you better be a good swimmer, son. Let’s get into the material and see how it all plays out.
THE BOMBING OPENER My girlfriend dislikes this one – probably because she does not like to think of me as a crass human being. But since I’ve been using it for so long to great e! ect, and since this is the Tsunami of opening lines, I’d be remiss to not share it with you. The whole point of the bombing opener is to give you something that shocks a woman and possibly o! ends her sensibilities. Note that that’s di! erent from personally o! ending her – I don’t want you getting slapped. No, the response to this one should be a look of shock, like “is he actually saying this right now?” To keep with the water metaphors, starting your conversation with a bombing opener is like jumping into a pool of cold water – it forces you to warm up quickly, rather than getting in slowly. And it is FUN when you do it with your buddies. It becomes a challenge to see who can come up with the most ridiculous opener, who gets the funniest responses from the women, and who can actually turn it around and make the conversation work. A bombing opener has never failed to get my night started right. It’s fun, it’s bold, and it gets your blood moving. Opener 1: Hey ladies, listen… my girlfriend is out of town this weekend and, well… I was wondering if you’d be down for a threesome. Opener 2: Hey girls, I’ve got a question. I… I mean, my “friend,” was wondering if size really matters. Because I, I mean my “friend” has been really afraid to get intimate with a woman because I.. uhy, he… is so small. What Comes Next: A million things can happen. Girls might look at you with disgust, but more likely they’ll respond with something to the e! ect of “what did you just say?” In the "rst example, you could push it further and say “I mean, I could see it the moment I approached you two what a crush you have on each other, so if anything I’m just trying to help you two live out the secret that neither of you wants to admit to”. Trust me, that’ll get a kick out of that one.
Once you’ve had a little bit of fun, you can back o! and say “hey I’m just teasing – you guys are good sports, what’s your names?” But you never know what the girls are going to do with this one – I’ve seen girls kiss each other, I’ve had them challenge me in a fun way (“ok, but only if you "lm it”)… you’ve got to be receptive to whatever comes, as this opener really draws out the heart of a girl’s personality. One "nal point that bears mentioning – you have to have a fun attitude when you drop a Bombing Opener. A girl once told me she could “see the smile in my eyes.” A guy who is a total creepbag and who delivers these dispassionately will not experience good things. So have FUN!!!
SITUATIONAL OBSERVATIONS These account for many of the conversations that I start, and I’ll tell you, they weren’t easy to get good at. I spent a lot of time trying to "gure out how to naturally come up with spontaneous stu! that was relevant to the situation at hand. “Hmm… the alligator head on the wall at the dive bar… what can I say about it that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?” Thing is, you don’t have to be overly clever. Usuallly, it’s not about coming up with the most impressive thing to say in the world, but rather, getting words out of your mouth. So you can go for the easy shots. An easy shot would be commenting on what she’s drinking, or noticing something about her personal style that is cool, funky or sexy. Opener 1: Is that framboise you’re drinking? Opener 2: Super-cool bracelet you’ve got on. In these cases, you’re noticing something slightly di! erent about her. Opener 3: Can you tell me if these avocados are ripe? An easy shot at the super-market. Just be comfortable with her attention! If you want to make things a little more fun, you’ve got to get absurd. I like to look for fun and interesting interpretations of the world around me. For example…
Opener 3: “Is this the line for the ! re extinguisher?” (I was the line for the bathroom, which was right next to the "re extinguisher) Opener 4: You two are the zipper checkers, right? (said to two girls who were standing at the entrance to the hallway to the bathroom). Opener 5: This song rocks! This is the best high school reunion ever! (if you’re dancing near a girl who’s about your age, and a song comes on from your high school years) How do you train yourself to do this? You can start with the Co ! ee Shop Drill. Another option is to watch a lot of Russell Brand videos on YouTube. But here are a few pointers in the meantime for adding some witty, absurd charm to your spontaneous situational openers: How can you misinterpret the environment in a way that is obvious, but that no one is thinking about? How can you misinterpret what the girl(s) are doing in a way that is funny or silly? Again, I have some exercises for this stu ! in my ‘The Ten Code’ course, but for now, you can start looking for fun and interesting opportunities for misinterpretation. And whatever the case, it’s better to get any words out there than to get perfect words out there, so don’t get hung up on being clever if that’s holding you back from talking to women.
HER UNCONSCIOUS CONVERSATION This concept has been incredibly useful to me in starting conversations. You could call it “empathy”, but it’s not so much about what someone is feeling as it is what they’re thinking . You want to step into their head for a second and consider their thoughts. If they could open their mouths right now and tap right into their unconscious mind, what would come out of it? For example, standing in line at a drug store you catch a woman looking at this week’s tabloid. Opener 1: That Lindsay Lohan! It’s just so hard not to pay attention to her.
If you were to ask her, at that very moment, to put her unconscious thoughts to words, you might hear something like that. Of course, you’d follow it up with something like “Me, I’m more of a Tom Cruise stalker myself. I’ll take scientology over drugs any day.” You can playfully tease someone for having an unconscious conversation that isn’t even happening. For example, if a girl looks at you while you’re passing her by on the street, you could say: Opener 2: If you’re gonna give a guy that look, you should say hello. Her: What Look? You: What look? Like a fat kid looking at an ice cream cone, that’s what look! Along those lines, if you’re making eye contact with a girl at a bar, you can approach her and say: Opener 3: I couldn’t let you sit here all night without giving you the chance to get to know me. Again, you’re playfully teasing her for thinking something that was along the lines of what she was thinking – but, with your own self-aggrandizing delivery, you create instant drama and emotion. You can also take the conversation in her head in a new, absurd direction. Earlier today, I was sitting next to a girl at a sushi bar. It was an epic challenge to get the attention of the guy behind the counter, and even when this girl was waving her debit card at him to pay her bill, he wasn’t coming over. Opener 4: I’m pretty sure that if you throw your debit card at him like a ninja star, you get a free meal if you lodge it deep in his heart. A little macabre? Sure. But notice that I tuned into her frustration and impatience, and came up with an absurd outlet for them in my opener. Hang around me enough and you’ll hear me say stu! like “that sucks – we should electrocute them” or “that’s annoying, we should feed them to alligators” when someone (usually a cute girl) is talking about someone who annoys her. Always good for a laugh.
When you’re out and about, ask yourself :”what’s going on in this person’s head right now… and what could I add onto it to make it funny?” You’ll start developing this skill in no time #at.
JOINING THE CONVERSATION With the last time, you were entering an unconscious conversation in a woman’s head (good if you’re approaching one woman). But an easier path is to enter the real conversation going on in the real world (good if you’re approaching two or more women). You listen in, try to "nd a hook, and then butt in with your thoughts, opinions and questions. Easy, right? Broadly, when joining a conversation, you pretend that you’re already “in”, and use one of two conversational conventions that are a foundation of my conversations: “Yes, And” / “Yes, But”. “Yes, And…” involves agreeing with something that someone has said, and then taking the conversation further in that direction. For example – “yeah man, I love cigarettes, love me some emphysema too”. Obviously, sarcasm there. Or “yeah, you look hot in that. so hot that we’re not going to make it out the door… get over here baby.” Probably save that one for your girlfriend. In both cases, though, see how we’re agreeing with a statement, then taking it further in that direction? “Yes, But…” involves agreeing with something that someone has said, then posing an objection. “Yeah the movie was good… but my date was so LAME.” Say this to a girl as you’re walking out of the theatre – jokingly, of course! See how easy it is to be witty with Yes, And… and Yes, But… ? Now in matters of starting a convo, any time two (or more) women are getting chitty chatty with each other at the bar, you can look for a hook and join the conversation. It usually goes best when you o! er a new perspective (yes, and…) or pose a question (yes, but…). For example, let’s say you’re standing at a bar and two girls are talking about how hard they should go out.
OPENER 1: So really the question is are you going out, or are you going OUT out? Because going OUT out is a whole di " erent level of commitment. We soon decided that they were, in fact, going OUT out, shots were ordered, and we spent the rest of the evening with these girls. In this case, I used some cultural slang (going OUT out) to make it fun. And it’s more or less a “yes, but…” inasmuch as it’s a challenge. But you don’t have to get too fancy – you can be plain old fun instead. I was standing nearby a group who was discussing Braveheart. OPENER 2: Did I just hear someone say Braveheart? (pause). Uh… superhunk. (laughter). I guess the movie was ok too. (more laughter, of course). I don’t suggest adding too much of a gay vibe to your personality (although it’s easier to get away with in a big city), but I "nd it very easy to join a conversation if my words sound like they’re coming from “one of the girls” at "rst. Sometimes you’ll be standing next to girls waiting for a drink, and one of them will be talking to her friend about something that a guy said/texted/facebook’d etc. to her. Very easy to join this one: OPENER 3: He did not say that. I told you he just liked you for your money. I found that if you just say the "rst line, girls get defensive, but if you add the money comment, they can’t help but laugh. You can then do a little roleplay about how rich she is and how she should’ve spent her inheritance on cookies and beer. Or whatever other funny things you can come up with. Another great spot to Join a Convo is when you’re standing next to some women at a stopwalk, or walking down the street nearby them. A few summers ago, I was walking next to some girls, one of whom was complaining about how even though she’d gone to a friend’s birthday party, the friend had not reciprocated by attending hers: OPENER 4: Don’t you just hate that? You get a bottle of wine, show up, make sure they know they’re loved… and then what! Some friend, huh?
She agreed, we pouted together, realized we were both Leos and lived nearby, and numbers were exchanged. (Oh, and did you notice that my opening line was basically a big “Yes, And…”? Oh yeah.) I hope you see just how simple it is – and how natural and deadly e! ective it can be – to join the conversation. Yes! And… onwards.
CATCHING UP A close cousin to Joining the Convo, Catching Up also works by pretending that you already know them and are “in” with them. It’s not quite as e ! ective as Joining the Convo, but it requires zero creativity, so it’s great if you’re just starting out in the world of approaching and attracting women, or if you’re smashed out of your gourd and nothing else is coming to mind. It’s quite simple – you "nd some girls who seem open and receptive, and you say something like: OPENER 1: Well there you are! I was wondering when we’d run into each other again! Said playfully, this sets you up for a fun roleplay. Assuming she responds positively, you drop something like “Last time I saw you, man, I’ve got to say… well, I’m not sure if you remember, but it was an e! ort to keep you from stealing that minivan.” Notice the Framing going on with that line. That little thief! You can say other variations like: OPENER 2: Well there you guys are… where the heck were you before this, I was looking all over FourSquare! As I write this, FourSquare is culturally relevant here in NYC, but you could substitute it out if some new creepy technology for tracking people comes out by the time you read this. Again, this works best on girls who already look open and receptive – not so much for girls who are huddled up and planning their next move. Enjoy.
HELLO WITH A NICKNAME Love this one with all my heart. These were the "rst words out of my mouth with the Playboy girl, and many other women who were so pretty that I wanted to chew on glass to calm myself down. And they’re REALLY simple. You see her. You get nearby. And then you say something like: OPENER 1: Whatcha up to, chief? That’s it. And then she tells you what she’s up to (Sudoko, in the case of Ms. Playmate), and then you guys get into it. The "rst three words don’t do much, but when you add the “chief,” all of a sudden things become much more #irty, and she realizes you’re not scared of her. Which helps when you’re speaking to a scary-hot girl. Here’s another one: OPENER 2: Hey sassypants, how’s your night going? That phrase – sassyepants – it never ceases to get a laugh. Or how about these? OPENER 3: Hey there trucker OPENER 4: What’s up nutterbutter? Now you’ll notice – none of these are super complimentary. They aren’t like “cutie” or “hottie”or “sexyface.” That stu! is cheeseball. Go for the nickname you’d give to your schoolyard buddy, your younger sister, or the kid who everyone used to pick on (that was you right? I mean, they all called me bucktooth, which I’ve never called a woman… but now that I remember it, I’ll probably give it a go). The nonverbals here – especially the eye contact – matter a lot. If you say them with a slight look of a challenge on your face, like “you have no idea what’s in store for you, but it’s gonna be fun,” she’ll usually pick up on that, and she might just get a little playful herself. Her: “Trucker? Why Trucker?”
You: “Uhhh… that was you who honked from that big semi earlier today, right? Chewing tobacco, blabbing away on that CB radio – and all those poor little piggies you were haulin’, they just didn’ know where you was takin’ em…” Yes, these exact words have come out of my mouth before with a girl who was a straight up ten. I worked it with my best Texas drawl, and was met with explosive laughter. You notice that I’m doing an extended “Yes… And” to create an absurd story here? Well, that’s how to pick up a “ten.” And I bet you thought it involved breathing "re! Pashaw.
OPINIONS, BETS, ASSISTANCE If you’ve read anything about being a “Pick Up Artist”, you probably know at least two things: negs and opinion openers. We’ll save the former for another day, and consider the latter in the here and now. Frankly, I never loved using other peoples’ opinion openers, as I don’t like being inauthentic. Of course, you’re welcome to use mine, but I "nd that these work best when they are truly spontaneous – the result of a conversation you’re having with a friend or a nagging question you need answered. I "nd that anything that references popular culture works well. Women generally know (and care) about celebrities, fashion, entertainment… all of that nonsense that keeps them occupied while us menfolk are out starting wars, building empires, and heralding in the apocalypse. I, for one, am far to busy to watch the show Friends (ok, maybe I’ve seen it once or twice) but it wasn’t long ago that I was at a bar waiting for a friend to arrive, texting a female friend of mine to pass the time. Leaning over to two girls at the next table, I said OPENER 1: Hey, uh….. I need some girlie advice. You guys know the name of Jennifer Aniston’s character on Friends? They told me it was Rachel, and I nodded a quick Thank You to them. Nothing spoken – just quickly returned to my phone. After "nishing the text, I looked at them, held my gaze until they looked back, and said “thanks, that’s perfect”. (hint
hint – creating intrigue). They began asking me why I needed to know that, and I told them that “my friend was such a scatterbrain…” and we were o ! . Another example that came up one time was when my buddy David and I were trying to settle a bet about the name of a Backstreet Boys song. OPENER 2: Hey guys, we need some girlie help, wondering if you could help us settle a bet. Do you remember what the big Backstreet Boys song hit was? Quit Playing Games With My Heart or Bye Bye Bye? I was quickly informed that EVERYONE knows that *NSync wrote Bye Bye Bye, to which I replied that “obviously, dumb guys who are o! building empires don’t always know such things…” and again – in there like swimwear. You might have also noticed the phrase “girlie”. As of the time I write this, that particular word is going down well. You can also ask a personal question – one example that comes to mind was when I was back in Ann Arbor and had been jean shopping with my friend Bria all day. Later that evening, I was out and noticed a girl wearing some VERY sexy jeans. OPENER 3: Hey, those jeans ! t you great (pause)… I was out shopping with my friend today and she’s got a very similar ! gure to you – mind if I ask where you got them? I’ve since used this many times and have never had a girl not be #attered. Then give her a little tease about how they should be paying her to model them, ask a personal question… maybe stick around or maybe take o! – all of which we’ll be covering later on.
DIRECT COMPLIMENTS On our coaching programs, we used to (and occasionally still do) have guys give #owers to random pretty girls on the street. In cities like NYC and San Francisco, this is actually less weird than a lot of the other things you’ll see. And it helps drive home an important point: women LOVE gifts when you don’t expect anything in return.
When you’re approaching a girl to give her a compliment, you want to have the mindset of an art patron. “Wow – look at this beautiful thing that someone has created – it has spirit!” Any artist can paint a clock, but it took Salvador Dali to paint The Persistence of Memory. Any sculptor can create a statue of man, but it took Michaelangelo to create David. A compliment to a beautiful woman means nothing unless you’re connecting it to the spirit she radiates. This, my friend, is what I look for in people, and if you can do the same, you’ll "nd yourself giving awesome compliments. For example, every now and then you’ll see a girl who really put e ! ort into putting herself together. Telling the checkout girl at Whole Foods that… OPENER 1: I love the way you matched your eye shadow with your earrings. (she smiles, blushes, says thanks). Was that intentional, or random chance as you rolled out of bed this morning? Guys rarely notice the little things that stand out on a woman – if you’re the one in a thousand who does, it’ll make her feel mighty special. You can just go straight up and tell a woman that you think she’s beautiful. This works great when you’re leaving a bar and see someone lovely on the way out. No time to think, no time to angle yourself for something more casual – you’ve got to go in for the kill. OPENER 2: Hey listen… I know this is forward but I just had to tell you how beautiful you are. (she smiles, blushes, says thanks). I don’t know if anyone has told you that yet today, but I couldn’t pass by without letting you know that. What’s your name? That second part about “not letting the day go by” is important – it shows that you’re giving it to her as a gift. Now, if you want to be really bold, you can throw this one out to women on the street or when you’re just chilling at the bar or a party – it’s right up there with the bombing opener in terms of creating emotion in the conversation, but if you can keep the boldness up, you’ll love it. Or you can go deeper. Some women just light up the room as they walk through it. Opener 3: Hey listen… I know this is forward but I just had to tell you how beautiful you are. (she smiles, blushes, says thanks). I mean, there are a lot of pretty girls in the world,
but you have some sort of happy inner light… it’s just radiant. (she says thanks again). Like… what’s the story – you just get a promotion, or walking hand in hand with God, or what…? The last part always gets a laugh – with religious women because they’re like YES!!!! and with atheists and agnostics because they like to make fun of believers. Finally, sometimes you’ll see a girl who is wearing something that everyone is staring at, and maybe even complimenting her on. For example, a woman is wearing a dress that has every man’s jaw on the #oor and every other woman’s heart green with envy. So you use a little misdirection humor (much more on that in The Ten Code), walk up, and say… OPENER 4: Wow, that looks incredible on you… your smile, I mean. (she laughs, says thanks). I mean, the dress is pretty nice too – and I’m so glad I didn’t wear mine out tonight or we’d have confused everyone Delivered right, it will make her crack up – of course she thinks you’re talking about her dress – until she realizes you’re not. And that last phrase about “I’m so glad I didn’t wear mine out tonight” was been borrowed from my buddy Johnny, one of the most charming men I know. Never fails to disqualify the compliment just enough to let her drop her guard. Finally, if you’re ready to get shameless, there’s the over the top compliment. This isn’t so much a statement as a way of thinking. Go hard or go home, buddy. You’re putting your desire for her right out there, front-and-center, and you just can’t help it because she’s so damn sexy. Typically, this works great at nightclubs and bars where the vibe is highly charged. OPENER 5: Oh my God, look at you. Come here, what’s your name? Allow yourself to be drawn to her and tell her how sexy she is – right away! “You are ridiculously hot, how do you expect a simple guy like me not to get a massive crush?” If she’s receptive to it, you can go for the kiss right then and there. This is done with intense body language and rapid escalation, and is demonstrated more in depth on our IRRESISTIBLE program.
PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER Everyone has their ways of approaching women, and you’re reading this to learn mine. Hopefully, a few things stand out: There’s no one-size-"ts-all approach. It’s always based on the situation. Getting her attention ought to be approached with a fun, creative spirit. The more that your mindset is to simply get her attention (as opposed to saying the perfect thing) the more it frees you up to have fun. There are a few lines in here that you can memorize and repeat verbatim, but what I’m trying to capture is that it’s better to engage at all than it is to get it perfectly. All of these openers work, but they should be inspiration, and not merely something for you to merely duplicate. I want to teach you how to "sh, not just give you a nice piece of salmon, friend-o.
