anticlimactic this party sux. the boy who invited me was my first boyfriend in ninth grade and i still want to make-out on his parents water bed. i shuffle out into the cold air, carbon-dioxide carbon-diox ide puffs visible as i exhale. i make my way to the apartment complex where i used to bum cigarettes from Jeff - floor 3, room 57, shaggy, enjoys Jose Gonzalez tunage. laying on my favorite bench, with my hair falling over the sides to the sidewalk sidewa lk covered in gum that now looks as black as the cement roads, i take a visual photograph ~ aesthetical phenomenon. i save this stargaze.jpg into my file entitled, „show me something memorable when i get Aspergers‟. inside i hear shrill cheering and glasses clinking. it must be midnight, already. a tingle of relief runs down my spine. i‟d rather spend my first few minutes of the New Year focused on the one thing i put above most. the universe and i have developed interpersonal secrets, theories, stories, feelings, et cetera. he knows everything about me. i know nothing of him.
delete me aug/17/2012
..
dropping hints nov/11/2013
..
one day it will be very much past-tense jan/22/2014
..
i miss kissing june/6/2014
..
strategic scars
wide-set hips, stubby fingers and the mind of a cynical schemer. right now, i take everything i have ever said back and i speak everything i never got the chance to say. i do feel lost now and i‟ll admit that.
i would like to find the purpose pu rpose but i will also admit that i care nothing for the purpose. that‟s shit.
-hearted notions. i don‟t want your half -hearted i never did or plan to.
i wish there was a better phrase for ending an expression of self than “goodbye”, “farewell” because that just doesn‟t fit.
dont_please_ok
your bangs were silken in sweat, my m y mind was spinning slowly. i ran my fingers through your thick hair and you rested your hands on the small of my m y back. i felt the blood in my kneecaps buzzing and my heart heaving blooms that began to burst out at the seams of my hooded coat. you didn‟t notice that my eyes were tinted red due to an inner -force, aside from the drugs that i took with you. that night, one of our most jubilant, ju bilant, was when i had my first of bad trips. you were going to leave when the lights cut back on and the music stopped blaring. oh, how i wish you could make me feel as a s adored as the girls who sing about mushy-gushy love constantly. instead, i am a m anxious; lying on the bedroom floor at 4 AM without you sighing sweet, scalding lies onto my neck while you bruise my my gaunt, upper thighs with the cusp of your unyielding palms. lust is the only thing we‟ve become accustomed to and i suppose that‟s why we‟re just another broken pair in seattle. i‟m exasperated du e to putting my utmost effort into this fire that will never burn just as bright as others would. i‟m dwelling on the thought of someone that is no longer you, a monochromatic illusion of what was. love isn‟t built between those lips of yours, anymore. there is an abundance of doubt.. that i will never discover the cold shoulder that you possess and the exuberant ferocity of dominance i fit under so well. though, i cling to a sliver of hope. i would like to proudly make amends and surpass the idea of you. let‟s just keep it to ourselves but i won‟t long for those qualities, that you possess, in someone else.
stepdad's a donut dabbling, policeman woaa look i was just out with friends .. what friends? well y‟know friends
.. were u dozing off again nahh, sir .. u smell like dank that was my friends i swear .. mikayla u dont even have friends here we‟re on vaycation
u dont even kno mE .. ur too sus to do drugs who influenced you hmm i am sleepy do u have any sweet potato chips btw? .. its three o‟clock i am wake up u p ur mom pleeeaz i‟ll tell her u hit me
.. u pyscho bitch goodnight jeremy
I F IN The eVENT O F AN EMERGEncy --
deeP BreathS
DOnt HYPerVentiLate
you aRe ook oblivion Is Real
sorry was i supposed 2 mention that
? i am a trainee
i f you k new i was
she‟s got the Oxycontin blues and an appetite for Ritalin
a body made for fixation Wellbutrin XL 300 MG to cope with hallucinatory voices little lonely, melancholy mollie keeps her gloominess away through raw physical exertion Prozac to highlight her manic side she lacks emotional stability Valium to walk her off the end 2 Vodka bottles and some heroin
like you know i‟m not alive an ymore
a daily journal entry from a patient with D.I.D it‟s year 2066 and i was born in 1845 my gamecube controllers need double A batteries i‟ll be right back i walk to the nearest corner store where are the batteries what year is this i ask the cashier she doesn't see me helo oh well i walk home to find that all i have for food is stale goats milk it smells so raunchy expiration label: September 19th of 1890 what is this i walk over to the gas station to get more goats milk there is mt. dew and a nice indian worker guy i decide to stay for a while i steal a foot-long, laffy-taffy nerd-rope from ile 3 the door beeps a lot the indian guy isn't that nice i have to pay him back for this delicacy five years later and i am still hanging out with Hemung, over time i found out his first name, and have yet to pay back a sliver of my debt i am sad where am i this isn't goats milk skim milk?
blood-brain barrier (BBB)
my brain repeats the process of my existence touching touc hing yours and i don't know you - i'm all daydreamy -like i bet i‟d get excited when you sit near me nodded off and i dont know but, i am well off and i don't know myself this is all
i can write but i can't read you yeah i don't want to (y‟know?)
when you talk to me i feel my head tingle my reflection is lying to you
haha fuck ur face
perfunctory courtesy
i‟m telling you that i aint kidding anymore an ymore
tried to be my own mother couldn‟t be my own father don‟t wanna see you here i‟ve gotta rest up
you fell short of overdose you called the entire army in an attempt of rehab i took some drugs with you the night before you got deported we floated past some anxiety held my hand in your chest for a few hours
your heart should warm up to mine more often i kinda want to keep it as a souvenir
.. write me when you get over the apathy barrier
i‟ll be waiting next to sympathy right across
from empathy
you‟ve gotta rest up don‟t wanna see you here
yet
waiting outside your atmosphere my palms are coated in beads of cold sweat i contemplate deviating from my course-of-action an idiotic decision to come here unexpectedly to begin with my gaze curiously scrutinizes every integral i can soak in it‟s difficult to see through, smog in my line of sight footsteps behind me, i‟m clueless as to what i do now
they're foreign but still i yearn to find them familiar fingertips gently move my excessive length of hair to one shoulder my skin vulnerable the air feels iced but something, someone, replaces that void heated breath on my nape, i tense up skin, lips, teasing my body‟s involuntary reactions perhaps you‟re oblivious to how inexperienced and naïve i am
your initial, visual-aspect is still an enigma i cautiously turn myself unto you, not face-to-face straightaway my child-like eyes take you in, still hesitant, beginning from the floor up awkward disposition of limbs, small frame but big enough to fit un der easily i forget that you‟re here irl with me
thinking of looking up at you, you looking down at me, makes my blood pressure increase to three digits di gits makes my heart palpitate you glide your palm over my dainty jaw-line ~~~
~~~ lips brush the slight of my cheekbones still i look down at your shoes, mortification im conscious of you gaping at me the amount of time that passes by feels parctically ancient your energy and mine find ease i meet your parting lips shyly gratifying sentiment and warm is your saliva virile persistency was made for your soul, solely
energetic balls of light
there is so much noise too much movement
not enough talking seldom joints working
all the walls are melting footprints aren't disappearing
no one is noticing strangers think i'm joking
everything is changing a literal blur
I LISTEN TO SYNTH / DREAM / AMBIENT / POP
a conscientious level seeing feelings as pigments auras surrounding everything i see colors making a mist where our hands : intertwine take it away paranoia overtakes confusion, confusion no one, not even you are, speaking sanely i can't make anything out but the tints and shades of an unreleased Crayola crayon box this isn't real because they are undefined there is no descriptor to correctly describe i can tell you how they make me feel emotional connection but most cannot relate
i can see - feel things others can't who else encompasses these same qualities yet feels ashamed or unaccompanied ?
..DISTANTANIOUS
once, the present day- today,
i visited a movie shoot it was not like the movies i did not connect disconnected, to be frank i saw a man who quite possibly was mental he had a five pound bag of peanuts "here moondoggies!!!" echoed in the public park out of the trees came 30+ squirrels a massive mammal mob puddling at his feet
sitting in a station wagon at a red traffic light my alcoholic grandmother points to the left "LOOK ITS ONE OF THOSE ASIAN FOOD MARTS: 'DONG A 2 MARKET'!!!" exsiting is weird and everything is awkward i sit wondering if i am dillusional
the neutral side of a y/n coin
i have a hard time sleeping on old pillows and new sheets the flat screen television makes matters worse blankly staring constantly nowadays i sweat a lot and grind my teeth writing ends up sucking twofold more with each day most music just doesn't do it the same as before b efore i think about nobody it's the same concept of thinking about nothing, n othing, just better time moves slow when the events of your life are porcelain figurines held in the grips of the greasy, ~taco hell~ employee hands it's identical to the freeze at the end of the movie where everyone is stuck in the air holding a stupid victory glare
took the pill everyday im breathing but its not easy i thought you were cool until i realized all your tweets were song lyrics l yrics we were friends never lovers but i dreamt of you that way and in those dreams you kissed me and everything was ok irl nothing is calm you avoided me i moved on
youre no different from them you always hurt me
im writing songs about you that will never be sung the correct way
im nothing but a bother tell me im a spitting image of my father
“nows the time to be alive”
what? just to stay awake and think of you all night?
and somethings wrong when you regret things that havent happened yet
homemade disappointment
for a continual amount of days i have only seen in black, grey, white the monochromatic scale matching my thought pattern i can't stop thinking of everything and i can't begin to think anything my temples ache i listen to my mom breathe through the telephone anti-dialog thought a break is what i needed being alone with my thoughts only wait what the actual fuck this is suicide im as lonely as ever in this stain-less, wrinkle-free bed roaming through the crowded streets alone dropping my $7 icecream on my new shoes that sticky sound doesn't go away as i shop more of a graze i suppose no initial impose to purchase clothes uninterested and uncomfortable shit im gonna do it tonight
wishbones
my eight year old brother and i watch clouds in silence date: July 22 woww that one looks like a massive explosion!! i perceive it as a giant teddybear tedd ybear looking down at all of the city apartments but i see where you're coming from that next morning at approximately 2:22 AM a giant teddybear comes down from above cannons for eyes a massive explosion kills everyone but my eight year old brother and i
sea sponge
my environment pays a major toll into my attitude so you tell me how i am [gives an in-depth synopsis on each and every one of my family members along with their multitude of grimey problems] i am covered in filth throw me away buy a new me repeat the cycle
im a teenage girl, and boys, they belittle me like its nothing but its something to me they sit by their phone ignoring my calls making me want another viceroy
when ur the only one who‟s high
we‟re sitting on ur bed
i put my thigh by ur thigh
it‟s 3 AM and ur mouth is dry
we kiss until we hear ur mom‟s car pull in the garage
i think it odd we never talk
but i dont mind
im moving this summer
it doesnt seem to effect u
everytime ur brother sees me he tells me how much u dont care
he‟s just honest
ur a grade below me so i like to look out for u when my friends talk abt u
i remember the first time we hung out
you told me my eyes were like typhoons
i sat by u on ur couch for like 3 hrs
my friend wanted to leave ~~
~~ u knew i wanted u
but u played cool
sometimes when we played suck n blow u lost on purpose
u‟d blush n press ur lips to mine too fast to be counted as a kiss
i overthought it throughly
just know i didnt mean to
u and me
we had a lot in common
friends said we were made out of the same white marble
but u showed no emotion such as a statue
while i shead tears that form scars as clear as tattoos
youre just a bleach boy waiting to be cleansed though youre bound to fuck up like i did
we dont talk much these days but whats there for me to say?
because in a city full of cheap bleach i‟ll forget your memories
only then will i be happy
scars will ascend spray perfume burn ur skin
light the cig get down and drown spit in his mouth
young girl too foolish for good health way out
i talk to satan about my issues cause, cause
i have the puzzle in my hands right now and no idea how to piece it together again what seemed to work now appears to be broken you only have to say a few words for this to happen and then nothing, ever, is the same any longer, any more.
dont cry too loud cant say too much my heart skips stones your voice breaks bones for every open window theres a suitcase being packed and emptied out again
i get excited when u sit near me
and sometimes at nite i forget i‟ve wanted to d ie
more than 50 times this past year
and its only july
its amazing how when u talk
it pulls me in
just so wonderful
that youre still alive
and im crying myself to sleep at nite
maybe im too dull
maybe im a little too dull
maybe im too dull
maybe im a little too dull
i drunk myself to sleep
just to leave you be
when i was 15
all i wanted to be was near you
all i wanted to be was near you
abt baby milk
lucid dreamer, unconsious pychic, 80s pop entusiast, shoe-gaze critic, teen philosopher, gluten-free garbage, anime boy, black hole
・* ･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･☆ ･*:.｡. .｡ .:*･゜ﾟ･ ・
e t c e t e ra =n on ex ist en t
・* ･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･☆ ･*:.｡. .｡ .:*･゜ﾟ･ ・
