How to read this book 1) Have a deep desire to learn. Repeat: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”
2) Reread each chapter. 3) Stop frequently and ask yourself how you can apply each suggestion. 4) Read with a pencil in hand. 5) Review each month. 6) Apply these suggestions as often as possible.
7) With a friend, make a lively game out of mastering these rules. 8) Check up each week on your progress. “For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the appointments I had during the day. My family never made any plans for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted a part of each Saturday evening to the illumination process of selfexamination and review. After dinner I went off by myself, opened my engagement book, and thought over all the interviews, discussions and meetings that had taken place during the week...”
9) Keep notes about how you have applied these tips.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People 1) Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. No one, even hardened criminals, blames himself. If you must, write criticism but don’t mail it. “Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous. ‘Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,’ said Confucius, ‘when your own doorstep is unclean.’” Give second chances.
2) Give sincere and honest appreciation. Everyone wants to feel important. When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. If we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s
How to…
good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery. “I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way.”
3) Arouse in the other person an eager want. It is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish, not the fisherman. Why talk about what you want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. Henry Ford: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
…Make People Like You
1) Become genuinely interested in other people. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. Alfred Adler: “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
2) Smile! Like a dog, show that you are happy to see people. An insincere grin is mechanical and we resent it. Smile even when talking on the phone. William James: “The sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there.” [67] Elbert Hubbard: “Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies.”
3) Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language. Napoleon’s advice on remembering names: If he didn’t get the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the
name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance.
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. Charles W. Elliot: Nothing is so flattering as exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you. Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. A friend often doesn’t want advice, but just a friendly, sympathetic listener.
5) Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. Man visits and talks to a boy about boats, but his mother says that he wasn’t really interested in boats: “He is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.”
6) Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. All the time. Everywhere. Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” Employer wanted to keep a key employee: told her how important she was to the company in front of the entire staff and later in front of the boss’s family.
…Win People to Your Way of Thinking 1) You can’t win an argument. Welcome disagreement. Don’t get angry or defensive. Look for areas of agreement. Listen carefully and admit error.
2) Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus. Say, e.g., “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” Try to understand what the other person means by what they are saying instead of immediately judging it. Be like Ben Franklin and don’t say “certainly”, “undoubtedly”, etc. Instead say “I conceive” or “I imagine”.
3) When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say—and say them before that person has a chance to. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken. It can be satisfying to have the courage to admit one’s errors.
Ask buyers for their input/feedback. Colonel House influenced Woodrow Wilson by planting an idea in his head and then allowing Wilson to think about it and later, explain it to others as Wilson’s own idea. House even gave Wilson public credit.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself why someone else would want to do something.
9) Be sympathetic towards the other person’s ideas and desires. The magic words: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I’d undoubtedly feel the same.” And mean it!
10) Appeal to the nobler motives. J.P. Morgan says that a person usually has two motives for doing a thing: one that sounds good and the real one. Appeal to the idealistic one. A certain Mr. Thomas says: if you have no other evidence, assume that a customer is honest, truthful, and willing to pay the charges if they are convinced that they are correct. Even those who aren’t naturally honest will often react well if you show that you consider them to be honest and fair.
11) Dramatize your ideas.
4) Begin in a friendly way.
Be a showman. TV ads always dramatize ideas, and you can too. Don’t just talk, show. Use interesting visual aids. Be creative.
5) Get the other person saying “yes, yes”. Come up with two questions that you can ask that the other person will answer yes to. This is sort of a Socratic method of convincing someone.
6) Let the other person do lots of the talking. 7) Let the other person feel ownership of the idea.
12) Throw down a challenge. People love the work they are doing, and being great at it. Charles Schwab: “The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
…Be a Leader 1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation. If you must find fault, start with something nice. A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.
2) Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Instead of “
, but ”, use and if it makes the praise seem more sincere. If someone isn’t doing something that you wish they were, do it yourself once. A man carefully polished a sermon and showed it to his wife. Instead of talking about its many faults, she said she thought it would be a great article for some journal.
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing. A father who smokes talks to his son, who has recently started, about how bad smoking has been for the father instead of criticizing the son.
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Owen D. Young always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes. That lets a person save face and encourages cooperation instead of rebellion. Asking questions stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.
5) Let the other person save face. A few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, or a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude can go a long way to alleviating the sting of criticism. Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he things of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
6) Praise every improvement, no matter how slight. 7) Give the person a fine reputation to live up to. Shakespeare: “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” Assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Tell someone they pay attention to detail, or have an open mind, and maybe they will.
8) Make a fault seem easy to correct. Tell someone that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.
9) Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest. Be sincere and empathetic. Consider the benefits to the other person. Won’t always help, but it will increase the odds.
