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Queloide / Carla García Buscaglia
Primera edición: julio de 2010 Edición a cargo de Dante Trujillo Ruiz Diseño de la colección: Gonzalo Santa Cruz Diagramación: Irving Ríos Diseño de portada y separadores:Víctor Ynami
©Carla García Buscaglia ©De esta edición: Solar Central SAC Calle Elías Aguirre 126, oficina 502, Miraflores Lima, Perú T 7194232 7194232 www.solar www.solar.com.pe .com.pe
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Colección Pandemonio (Narrativa)
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ISBN: 978-612-45642-4-6 Hecho el depósito legal en la Biblioteca Nacional Nacional del Perú N° 2010-08361 Impreso en Perú
91 121
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NOTA DEL EDITOR
Los relatos que componen este volumen provienen, en su mayoría, del blog homónimo (queloide.blogspot), publicado entre mayo de 2005 y mayo de 2010. Asimismo, unos pocos aparecieron en “Esquina baja”, columna que la autora escribió para el diario La República . Se han dejado de lado textos que se consideraron demasiado coyunturales o que trataban sobre personajes o situaciones que la autora ha decidido dejar otando en el ciberespacio. También fueron separados aquellos cuyo contenido solo funcionaba acompañado de imágenes. No existe un orden cronológico, al menos no uno estricto. El conjunto tiene aliento de devenir. Sin el mínimo espíritu jjustifcador ustifcador,, a la pregunta ¿por qué publicar como libro algo que nació y creció en y para ser una bitácora web?, debo responder, con sencillez, que un editor que se precie de serlo solo publica lo que le provoca y valora. Esta vez, ganó mi afán de asir la escritura de Carla García a través del medio que me resulta más natural. En ningún caso se trata de menospreciar los medios digitales, ni de desdeñar, hoy, al blog y sus condiciones intrínsecas (brevedad, continuidad, un lector siempre activo) como un formato válido para el ejercicio literario. Como lo demuestra este conjunto, incluso para el bueno.
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Existe, asimismo, otro afán: el de Carla García de dar por cerrado un ciclo, el de estos cinco años de historias. El conjunto ha sido seccionado en cuatro partes. Queda a la discreción del lector suponer el motivo.
DTR Junio de 2010 2010 Estuve en Buenos Aires una semana, hasta el miércoles pasado. En esa lindísima ciudad se me quedó no solo la cartera, el pasaporte, doscientos cocos y una tarjeta de crédito, crédito, sino también parte del hemisferio izquierdo del cerebro, producto de un golpe en la nuca contra una repisa, en un hotel barato de Microcentro. Por tanto, advierto a quienes lean esto que, en adelante, no pretendan mayores fruletes del lenguaje, historias complejas o alusiones a hechos, días o personas importantes. Hace rato que nada es importante.
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YO NO SOY ESA
Sí, pues, me gusta tener a la mano la Coca Light para tomar a media noche; y no, no uso vaso, porque la botella es solo mía, y si tú quieres, hay gaseosa regular en la refri. No, no ordeno mi cuarto con frecuencia. frecuen cia. Por eso me mudé a este nuevo departamento, con el closet enorme donde escondo normalmente los demonios cuando llega alguien y quiero aparentar normalidad. No voy a ayudar a tu mamá a recoger la mesa o a lavar los platos, nunca, pero sí puedo sentarme con ella y con tu viejo y en dos minutos lograr que me adoren, o aborrezcan, según se me cante ese día. No caigas en mi casa porque sí, la diferencia entre un imprevisto y una sorpresa depende de cuánto te quiera hoy. Hace meses que no tengo gas, en la casa anterior dejé las ollas y una sartén; una vez devolví un microondas regalado. Trae chocol ates. No te quedes pegado mirándome a un centímetro. Di algo bonito de mis zapatos. Por favor, no me cuentes secretos. Hagamos planes inútiles. Busquémosle nuevos usos a un gancho de ropa, o a un jabón. Hay que inaugurar de una vez por todas la mochila para picnic que compré una vez, hace mucho, con la única plata que tenía. Juguemos Simon, o Backgammon, o Scrabble. No te piques porque mueres. Nunca me digas lo que piensas de mí o lo que hice mal si no te lo pregunto antes. Incluso si te lo pregunto, duda antes de decir la verdad. Llévame a pasear en la 73.
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hicieron las de responsabilidad y conducta, dejando secuelas que quienes me conocen habrán identifcado ya. SI LA TIERRA TIEMBLA...
Acabo Acabo de pararme pararme de la cama cama totalm totalment entee resign resignada ada frente frente al hecho de que hoy no duermo. Como dato extra, hace un par de horas me fumé el último cigarro de la casa. Cansada de girar sobre mi eje como si estuviera en proceso de rostizado, me pregunto si el no-sueño responde a la circunstancia de haber andado todo el día en low –porque de qué más se tratan los domingos–, o si tiene algo que ver con la racha de temblores. Cuando era chica y la casa de la avenida Arenales se veía inmensa, con sus columnas de la sala grandiosas y su baranda de la escalera funcionando como un tobogán interminable, mi abuela decidió de facto (aprovechando que el trabajo mantenía a mi madre lejos de nosotras casi todo el día de luz) ocuparse de mi educación extramuros del colegio. Imagen: Carlita con sus trenzas, su poncho rojo y su lonchera de madera (¿por qué, mamá? ¿Por qué?) rumbo al cole, alegre, a sacarse buenas notas. Así que de lunes a viernes, partir partir de las cuatro de de la tarde, sacaba delante de mi abuela el lesson book. bo ok. Y se daba inicio al martirio. Con el tiempo, no sé si una noche me quejé con mi madre de las lecciones de la abuela, que no me dejaban tiempo para los experimentos químicos o la construcción de casa-clubes… la cosa es que mi mamá se rebeló, y la abuela quedó cesante por las tardes, confnada a dormir las novelas mejicanas. Contrario a lo que podría pensarse, mis califcaciones académicas no bajaron, pero sí lo 16
Una de las tardes más insólitas de mi vida la viví horas después de que en el colegio hubieran repartido una separata de Defensa Civil. Contenía información sobre los datos que el humano precavido debía saber para actuar coherentemente coherentemen te en caso de sismo. Había que leerlo, no que chancarlo, pero no hubo forma de con vencer a mi abuela. Nunca supe de dónde sacó el pito pero de la nada yo corría arriba y abajo por la casa, cuarto por cuarto, la sala, el patio, y la cocina, hasta oír el FRRIIIIP. FRRIIIIP. Y entonces tenía que ubicarme por reejo en alguna de las zonas de seguridad que, gracias a la separata, ya se habían establecido. FRRIIIP, y pegada a una columna; FRRIIIP, FRRIIIP, y en el marco de una puerta; FRRIIIP, y si tienes una frazadita a mano, cárgatela por siaca. Creo que me quedé condicionada al puto pito dada mi reacción frente al temblor de anoche. Primero pensé que la tembleque tembl eque era yo, porque miré al techo y ni la lámpara ni el sapo que vuela se movían. Segundos después me senté con cara de lorna algún ratito. Me paré y chequeé la casa por primera vez con ojos de Defensacivilsomostodos, en miras de encontrar un área segura. Vi la frazadita de mi cama y decidí no llevármela en caso de desastre, porque desastre hubiera sido que la jale a la volada, tirando al suelo el cenicero, los Rocklets de chocolate, el control, el celular, los dos anillos y el encendedor. encendedor. Aparentemente la zona de seguridad que yo encontré no era la ideal porque en medio del temblor llamé a la casa, y Giovanna me dijo que no me pare cerca de las ventanas. Así que tuve que dejar mi zona por una más segura, pero sin vista a la calle. (No sé 17
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si soy yo o el temblor duró minutos, porque tuve tuve tiempo de pensar si prefería esperar que cayeran los tres pisos –del sexto al octavo– sobre mi cabeza, y morir a solas en mi piso; o hacerlo aplastada por la descontrolada horda de vecinos bajando por las escaleras). También me acordé de mi infancia, de mi abuela y del pito, y apenas pareció dejar de temblar, empecé a preguntarme si el ridículo lo estaba haciendo entonces o ahora.
MALEMÉ
Es increíble la cantidad de estupideces que pienso mientras me ducho. Me imagino que uno debería estar jabonándojabonándose atentamente por todos lados, sin dejar un spot spo t de mugre, pero la verdad es que apenas me meto me olvido del mundo y al momento del champú (que viene antes de la jabonada, porque aprovecho todo el resto del tiempo para enmarañarme la cabeza mal hasta asemejarme a Chimpandolfo), ya estoy teniendo las reexiones más precisas. Estas últimas y graciosas semanas el resto de seres humanos ha arremetido a su gusto en contra de mí. Todo bien, la guerra tiene su gracia. El asunto sencillo es que en la ducha, mientras me cepillaba las uñas de los pies con un cepillito minúsculo, pensaba en aquellos catalogados por mí como mis enemigos. A mí nunca me avergonzó tener enemigos. Nunca he pretendido ser zen, ni llevarme l levarme de lo mejor con el prójimo. Acepto que a veces soy concesiva y hasta patera, pero esas veces son las menos. Mi mamá, cuando de niña me preocupaba tener mis primeras émulas en el colegio, me decía que los únicos que no tienen enemigos son los feos y los tontos. Entonces, yo me iba con el ego zepellin de la Goodyear al colegio a cultivar esta nueva forma de desamor. Ahora, debo decir que yo nunca me creo enemigos: ellos se hacen socios del no-club en base a cosas que hago sin querer. Sonreírle al novio de alguien, discutir acaloradamente y ganar, hablar en voz alta de política, y algunas otras acciones son el detonante perfecto para hacerse una lista gordita de gente que te odie.
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Yo, Yo, en lo personal, personal, solo odio a la mujeres mujeres muy regias, regias, a la gente muy pituca, a los que me hacen daño pretendiendo no darse cuenta, a los traidores traido res (míos y del resto), a muchas de las personas que usan medias blancas, a los tontos que no se asumen. CATCH ME IF YOU CAN
A mí, parec e que me odian c ada vez más, porque hay gente que pretende quitarme lo mío, quema mis fotos, me miente y trata como a loca, se jacta de haberme ganado. A los nuevos dos miembros de mi lista de malamados: Tonto: Tonto: perdiste absolutamente. absolutamente. Perra: te llevaste mi basura pensando que me quitabas un tesoro. A la colectividad: colectividad: se busca enemigos profesionales profesionales.. Amateurs, abstenerse.
Cosas que podrían ponerme de estupendo humor: - Que me depositen el sueldo a tiempo. tiempo. - Que aparezca un chocolate por arte de magia sobre mi escritorio. - Que la llanta delantera derecha de mi auto se suba sola. - Que el lunes se declare feriado por Ley. Ley. -
Sin embargo, estoy de buen humor porque: Vino Fe y me dijo para ir a Cusco. Cusco. Silvi quiere jugar Scrabble en mi casa. Cuarenta me dijo que soy linda. Me pasaron una canción que se me quedó tatuada. Sembraron orcitas en la berma d e Benavides, frente a mi ventana.
Yo voy a seguir subiendo el ánimo hasta donde pueda. Va a haber un día sin ira ni pena, segurísima. Así como hace tres días la moraleja era my life sucks again, ahora las cosas se van poniendo lindas de nuevo. Días como hoy, viernes, n de mes, casi primavera; snif, días como hoy. Pie izquierdo, pie derecho, pie izquierdo, pie derecho, y un día de estos me suelto del borde de la mesa y del respaldar de la silla, de la baranda, y saco el dedito miedoso de la pared. Me echo a caminar y después corro, solita de nuevo.
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EN ESTA HISTORIA NO HAY NINGÚN GATO MUERTO
No puedo decir lo mismo de los perros, porque inicia justamente el día que Mikita muere. Micaela, quien fuera hija predilecta de un joven
matrimonio, perra malhumorada y que sufría de extraños ataques de nerviosismo seguidos de una abierta agresi vidad hacia cualquiera que se le acercara a acariciarla, se murió de algo raro y totalmente sorpresivo para mi amiga Rita, que en ese momento ya era la única del joven matrimonio que quedaba en esa casa. Él se había ido hacía unos años, por esas cosas del amor que hoy prefero callar, y se habían quedado Rita, Mikita y Leonardito, un gato peludo y blanco. Rita quería muchísimo a Micaela, y en respuesta ella le correspondía no mordiéndola. Rita quería muchísimo a Leonardito, y este aparecía puntualmente cada vez que tenía hambre. Pero Mikita
murió y el nido quedó semivacío.
El día de las exequias yo, algo conmovida por el tema de la transitoriedad de la vida animal, me animé a sacar a Rita a comer un cebiche al mercado de Surquillo. Nos acompañó un amigo que siempre está dispuesto a poner el hombro en situaciones dolorosas que involucran conversación, pescado, cebolla, limón, choclo, camote y cerveza. Después de un breve paseo por la historia de la desaparecida mascota, Rita exteriorizó su preocupación sobre la salud psicológica y anímica del sobreviviente Leonardito. Resultó que el gato, a pesar de haber jugado 22
al hielo absoluto durante toda su coexistencia con la perrita, la quería con afán, a decir de mi amiga. Tristeza al momento del tacutacu relleno de mariscos. Yo soy soy especialmente aguda cuando he comido ají en exceso, y en mi deber de amiga solo había h abía dos maneras de solucionar el impasse. Una era dedicarme dedicar me a entretener a Leonardito por las tardes, con un cascabel o un ovillo de lana. La segunda, aquella que mi sexto sentido señalaba como vaquero de neón a hotel de La Vegas, era aceptar el hecho de que Leonardo estaba feliz en su condición de hijo único, que era probable que él mismo haya urdido la muerte de Mikita, y que toda la p ena que
envolvió el tacutacu que envolvía calamares y pulpitos, fuera simplemente mi amiga desplazando su dolor hacia el animal más cercano. Fue entonces que pagamos y entramos por la primera bajada al zanjón.
Claro que sé que no hay que comprar animales a la vuelta del Congreso, pero se trataba de un caso especial y teníamos entre todos como catorce soles. A pesar de haberlo escogido de entre el resto y regateado como si se tratara de medio kilo de vainitas, Rita se puso como una niña a la que su papá le trajo un gato de sorpresa al volver del trabajo. trabajo. Misión cumplida, cumplida, me encanta cuando cuando
un plan se realiza.
Fui declarada madrina de gatito con todas las de la ley, y jugamos varias horas hasta que se hizo evidente que sus uñas y mi cara no hacían una buena dupla. Dejé a la familia con su nueva integrante viviendo en el último piso de un edifcio muy alto y pasaron días,
quizás un mes.
Gatito se convirtió en gatita durante la adolescencia. Rita y yo quedamos, gracias a esa súbita revelación, 23
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como dos mujeres adultas incapaces de reconocer efectivamente el sexo de un cachorro. A parti r de entonces fue rebautizada como Gatita, la hembrita que hacía una feliz vida mientras que Leonardo, algo tío y celoso, rondaba la periferia del departamento, departamento, caminando sobre las barandas de la terraza y retando a la muerte, que lo esperaba siempre quince pisos al sur. Ilusa y conada en mi buena reacción frente a las situaciones del fatal destino, Rita marcó mi número una vez más una mañana de chamba. Salí en su auxilio y al llegar al departamento la encontré desesperada. Caminamos entre ropa colgada hacia la terraza y apareció Leonardo con muchos kilos menos y totalmente gris. Gatita, en cambio, saltó directamente como si esperara un regalo sorpresa de su madrina. Fuimos a su veterinaria de cabecera, una chica joven que había puesto n a los últimos martirizantes minutos de la ya entonces lejana Mikita. Leo no opuso resistencia a ninguno de los exámenes, quizá intuyendo lo inútil que hubiera resultado darnos la pelea a las tres. Se dejó pesar, medir, inyectar y medir la temperatura de esa incómoda forma. No hubo asomo de emoción cuando le extrajeron sangre para analizar. A nosotras, en cambio, nos sobrevino el desánimo cuando hubo que pagar muchos soles para que l a sangre fuera a San Marcos a ser estudiada. Muchos posibles cebiches en el mercado de Surquillo se vieron truncados en ese instante. No comió los dos siguientes días. No quiso acercarse a las bolitas, ni al paté de lata, ni al pan remojado en leche tibia. Una vez más, y voluntariamente, decidí tomar las riendas del asunto y dirigir a lo lejos a mi ami24
ga que luchaba por abrirle la boca e introducirle la comida al gato que para entonces solo conservaba fuerza animal en la mandíbula. Para llevar a cabo todo ese ritual de dominación y amor extremo, extremo, teníamos que encerrar en el cuarto de Rita a Gatita, que naturalmente había arrasado ya varias veces con el buffet del enfermo. El tercer día enrumbamos las dos y un gato famélico, extrañamente ojeroso y plomo, hacia la veterinaria a recibir los resultados. El mal diagnóstico vino acompañado de ciertas recomendaciones esperanzadoras. Con mucho cuidado, medicamentos y un cambio en la alimentación, Leonardo sería capaz de recuperar su semblante de primo del rey de la selva. Luego empezamos a descartar posibilidades. Los gatos de casa nor malmente no reciben transfusiones de sangre, ni se suministran drogas con jeringas usadas. La veterinaria veterinaria dijo que únicamente podía haberse contagiado de HIV gatuno por estar en contacto con alguna gata callejera, y en ese momento entendí que ninguna mascota que uno compre con toda la buena intención, por catorce soles que incluyen, además, una caja de cartón que cotizaron a dos, debía gozar de total conanza. Ella, la de las uñas alaaladas, los ojos vivísimos y el apetito voraz, estaba fuera de peligro por ser únicamente portadora. Desde la terraza de un edicio muy alto en otro punto de Miraores, Gatita terminaba en ese preciso insinstante de comerse el paté del enfermo. Se sentaba a disfrutar la vista de Lima y su mar desde la ventana, dando a ratos desesperados zarpazos contra el vidrio en un in tento inútil de atrapar algunos voladores de parapente.
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DESPUÉS DEL TSUNAMI
Si una fuera políticamente correcta o estuviera rodeada de gente políticamente correcta, que la aconsejara bien, no andaría los sábados por la noche subida en mi auto con otras seis personas dejando el volante a Pocho porque me gustaría que se me vaya el dolorcito de cabeza este que tengo desde la festa ochentera con mú sica de los ochentas que nunca escuché. Como si yo no hubiera asistido a los ochentas. Cuando festejamos no se qué salimos de bares y yo, que estoy contenta porque ya se me fue el dolorcito, hablo con gente que conozco o no, bailo por ratos, vuelvo a mis amigos amig os siempre. siemp re. Este sábado la noche quiso marcar su fnal en el bar que tiene un oso sin cabeza en la puerta, pero no pudo.
Lo peor es que parece un calco: así como mi abuela volvía en los ochenta del frutero de la esquina y comentaba que el melocotón estaba a cien libras el kilo, y yo chiquita pero muy nostálgica siempre de la j uventud del resto pensaba triste “Qué vieja está, dice libras cuando son soles...”; o cuando la bisabuela que jugaba dominó conmigo me pagaba las victorias en monedas ya inútiles que yo guardaba solo esperando a que envejezcan más para luego revenderlas a coleccionistas, y pensaba, “Qué triste perderle el hilo a la existencia de uno, qué mal, Carla, jugándole a ganar a la bisab uela...”, así, igualito, vengo diciéndole yo hace más de diez años rin al teléfono público. Tan callando.
Los domingos son días especiales. He pensado que me encantaría que los días de la semana no tuvieran horas de cinco a diez peeme. Los domingos no deberían tener tardes completas. El horario podría saltarse de una de la tarde a ocho o nueve de la noche, pasando por alto las horas en que la soledad me juega las bromas más densas. Este domingo comí pollo con Silvia y jugamos con Gatita, que me hizo tiras la piern a. De regreso, ya como a las siete, vi las varietés de los domingos por la tele. Antes de dormir comí pingüinos, y pensé en un mundo en donde los hombres lindos no tienen novias. Después he pensado que sería complicadísimo. 26
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Esta no es una historia que involucre drogas, altas cantidades de alcohol o golpes en la cabeza. Yo tuve un amigo imaginario panda que desapareció sin dejar rastro. Pandita llegó hace algunos meses, yo diría que fue en octubre pasado. En el noticiero presentaban la noticia de unos pandas nacidos en cautiverio en algún zoológico, y Pandita fue captado por las cámaras, con la cara lagañosa y su indefensión bic olor. Desde ese día se volvió mi mascotita imaginaria de elección. Y así, Pandita y yo tuvimos buenos momentos molestando al Anti, le compuse varias canciones en tono religioso, y estuvo con nosotros en Navidad y Año nuevo.
va vida, ya lejos lejo s de los camotillos camoti llos y las cocadas de las que lo alimentábamos. La segunda, que es l a que prefe ro borrar de mi mente, es que al panda no se le realizó riesgo quirúrgico alguno ni se le preguntó si acaso era alérgico a algún medicamento. Es probable que Pandita haya estado en mi cabeza, que era su lugar favorito, cuando la anestesia empezó con sus juegos de números y colores a invadir el lugar, y que la muerte lo haya tomado como una sorpresa azul de la que no se vuelve. Yo espero, por si Panda lee algun a vez este texto, que esté llevando una mejor vida lejos de tamaña neurótica. Que se esté alimentando de bambú como es debido, y no de dulces y Puppy Chow. De no ser así, no solo habré perdido un buen amigo, sino que tendré que enfrentar la grave situación de ir por la vida con un úrsido en descomposición dentro.
Fue a mediados de enero que el panda empezó a vagar por la casa con la actitud de quien es conde algo. Como yo sé poquísimo de pandas, pensé que atravesaba la adolescencia, y lo dejé mirarnos con cara rara varios días. Un día fui al médico y tuve que someterme a una breve intervención quirúrgica. Para cuando salí de la anestesia ya Pandita se había ido. Tengo dos teorías. La primera dice que Pandita no entendió el motivo de la operación, pensó que era una nueva tontería nuestra –algo así como la cereza en la torta de nuestra cojudez– y decidió procurarse una nue28
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MICKEY MOUSE TRABAJA DE PORTERO EN UN EDIFICIO UBICADO ENTRE MIRAFLORES Y SAN ISIDRO. LO SÉ PORQUE AHÍ VIVO YO Después de mes y medio de vivir en este departamento, recién ayer me di cuenta de que Valentín, el portero, es en realidad el hombre que durante años fue el alma del ratón de Disney. Una vez que te has dado cuenta, lo sacas al toque: la inacabable sonrisa, la actitud de permanente bienvenida, los adiocitos con la mano levantada. No es el Mickey de los comics, el amigo bonachón de Tribilín y novio de Minnie. Es el Mickey de Disneylandia, el que te recibe con frac y sombrero de copa color champán, bastón con incrustaci ón de piedras, y viene en un carro alegórico cargado de lazos que más parece una torta de mal gusto y peor sabor, acompañado de la Sirenita, Pocahontas y otras más que se ven como Barbie, pero con el aliciente de pertenecer a una minoría (detalle que jamás será pasado por alto en sus dibujos animados). Ese es el tipo que abre y cierra la puerta de mi casa.
mi edifcio. Ahora bien, no es un portero milofcios, no. Es el ingeniero de los porteros. Para ensuciarse las manos hay un señor bastante mayor que él llamado Benito. Mickey abre las puertas. Benito carga paquetes, baja y sube muebles, abre y cierra las rejas del estacionamiento, etc. Es decir, es un obrero del ratón, que viene a ser el gerente de Relaciones Públicas del recinto.
No es buena onda, y se nota porque tiene esa actitud de sigo usando frac. Cuando paso con Pelé de regreso de su paseo nocturno, lo saluda hacia abajo manteniendo la sonrisa cínica, el “Hooooooooola Pelé; señorita Carla, buenas noches” tan asquerosamente hipócrita, mientras obliga a Benito a hacer de mula de carga, a empujar su carro alegórico imaginario.
Como soy nueva todavía no me ha dado el ti empo de preguntar a los vecinos hace cuánto trabaja ni qué hace verdaderamente, aparte de abrir y cerrar la puerta y sonreír eternamente, y decir “¡Señorita Carla!”. Cuando pienso en eso me parece injusta la vida: yo hace unos veinte años hubiera muerto porque porque el Ratón Mickey Mickey me trate con ese respeto, y ahora lo veo medio decadente y sin glamour. Hubiera jurado que los mickeys cesantes pasaban su vejez en hoteles en Florida, pero este debe haber hecho algo muy malo porque tiene que trabajar en 30
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WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY, BLOODY WEDNESDAY WEDNESDAY
A mí me gustaría ser de esas personas que se levantan temprano y contentas se meten en la ducha como en un comercial de jabones. De esas totalmente al mando de su realidad, que encuentran en el trabajo motivos sufsufcientes para sentirse plenas y logradas. Me encantaría ser de esas mujeres que aman el deporte desde chicas. Las que hacían gimnasia rítmica, acrobacia, cien metros planos. Las mismas que ahora se inscriben en el Milenium y se encuentran con sus amigas o futuros giles antes de la clase de spinning. Una mujer que no se hace mayores dramas con nada, que lee libritos sencillos, que va al cine de vez en cuando. Appletini, por favor. Yo odio las las mañanas. mañanas. Tengo la sensación sensación de que me levanto peor de lo que me acuesto. Me inscribí una vez en la vida en un gimnasio, y el ejecutivo todavía llama a preguntarme por que nunca aparecí. Me rompí el brazo mil veces. Me salteé todas las clases de Educación Física en el colegio (y también las marchas). No sé sudar. Me encanta la tele (confeso que adoraría decir que la odio), es la banda sonora de mi vida. Me disgusta la gente op timista, no les creo. En el conicto me siento como en casa. Ah, y sobre todo, cuando como fruta no es porque me guste, es por cargo de conciencia.
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Por la mañana paso por la p uerta de mi ofcina y decido seguir de frente porque no aguanto ni un minuto más sin un liviano snack. Doy la vuelta a la manzana y llego a la bodega de siempre. Adentro hay una señora con un perro horroroso, de esos chiquititos que parece que se arrastraran y que hieden a leguas. Ella viste un traje verde esmeralda setentero, panties y zapatos de taco. Del pecho hacia arriba, varios collares de bolitas de plástico de cualquier color. Cuello arrugado, cara colgante absolutamente tarrajeada con un polvo blanco blanquísimo. Cejas pintadas con plumón, pestañas postizas, sombras en crema verde tornasol. Un par de lunares estratégicamente pintados con el plumón de cejas. Pelo negro azabache despeinado, eléctrico. What ever happened to Baby Jane? Salto al perro sin respirar, paso al lado de la señora y en un rarísimo gesto decido saludar. Yo: “Buenos días”. Baby Jane: “¡Buenosdíiiiiiiiiiias!” –con esa voz dulzona y entonando como si nos viésemos a diario. Agarro cuatro mandarinas porque ayer estuve tragando mal y desde hoy, dieta, o por lo menos eso me juro. Las pongo en el mostrador esperando a que las pesen. Baby Jane me mira y so nríe, yo la miro y sonrío. El perro apesta. Baby Jane: “¡Mandarinas! Son muy bueeenas. Yo como mucha mandarina por la mañana, por eso tengo tan buena cabeza” –y hace toc-toc contra sus sienes. 33
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Supero el pavor y la sensación de desmayo, pago, agarro las mandarinas, y me voy corriendo a sentarme en el trabajo a pensar toda la mañana apocalípticamente sobre mi futuro. Las enfermedades convergen en mí. Hay doscientos tipos de virus que producen el resfrío, según una enciclopedia médica. Este generalmente implica goteo y congestión nasal y estornudos. Asimismo, es posible que se presente con dolor de garganta, de cabeza, tos, u otros síntomas. Todo eso tengo y he tenido en mayor o menor intensidad, desde hace mucho y por períodos casi sin descanso. Es como si los gérmenes se encontraran por la calle y se dijeran “Juntémonos la semana que viene en Carla”. Mi mamá me diría paranoica, pero estoy casi segura de que es así.
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CONVERSIONES
En orden de ascendente intensidad, y dependiendo de cuánto me gusta algo, yo puedo: 1.Manifestar interés y decir “Mmmsé, me gusta el me nestrón, pero solo si al lado tengo un kilo de queso parmesano rallado”. La fgura inversa sería “No, no me da la gana” (como si se tratara de ir a la presentación de un libro o a ver El código da Vinci ). 2.Dejar la vida y gritar “Muero por estar en la playita, con sol”. Su antónimo conceptual es “Ni muerta voy a trepar los Andes, ni contigo ni con el Niño Compadrito”.
3.Quitarle la vida al resto y, con la cara impertérrita, mencionar que “mataría a este o a aquel por ir a equis tocada”. Lo contrario rezaría algo como “Te muelo a golpes si no vamos”. 4. Permutar todos mis bienes materiales a cambio de una sola cosa. Este último caso se aplica solo a “Mi reino por una torta de chocolate a media noche“, o “Un ciga rro antes de dormir”. “Quemar tu siembra” y “Haré caer mi maldición sobre tu descendencia” es lo mismo, pero del darkside, en el caso de que tú seas el/la dueño de la torta y no me des ni siquiera un pedacito. 5.Incurrir en penosos desplazamientos que me ob ligan a dejar lugares en los que soy feliz. Salir en la mitad de
Hablaba con Cuarenta de la suerte que tiene uno cuando encuentra gente con la cual establecer distintos códigos de comunicació n. Tomándolo Tomándolo a él como ejemplo, yo puedo decirle Cuarenta, o simplemente escribir 45, y conseguir que él sienta que le paso los dedos por la nuca, o que de nuevo lo dejo en la puerta de su casa y le doy un beso empezando la boca, pero casi sin tocarlo. Nostalgia hoy. Pensar que antes hacíamos ad oquines, tomábamos sopa con tortees. Concateno como una loca enferma y llego a la esquina de mi ce rebro donde se escondía el ex con el que hace muchos años casi vivimos una semana sem ana dentro de ntro de d e un auto gris g ris fabricado fa bricado en la Volkswagen (¿era gris o negro?). Hago un esfuer zo y lo llamo. Mismos códigos, misma risa nerviosa, planes de vernos hoy o mañana. La diferencia radica en la mujer que lo espera en casa, en los dos niños que deben tener su cara de loco. Dice que esta mas gordo y pelón, yo estoy mas loca y tengo cada día más mañas. Hace años que no me como un adoquín, ni me disfrazo, ni juego en carnavales. carnavales.
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La señora Eva ha vivido siempre en Tingo, el pueblo bajo la fortaleza de Kuélap, Kuélap, departamento de Chachapoyas. La primera vez vez que la vi sacó l a cabeza por una ventanita b aja de manufa ctura artesanal art esanal incrus i ncrustada tada en la puerta de una casa blanca al margen del río que baña el pueblo. En Tingo había entonces un restorán donde preparaban jarras inmensas de jugo de naranja que se pagaban a precio de agua. Un sol compraba diez enormes chirimoyas. Cuando Iris se torció la pierna a l a mitad del cerro, yo sentí alguna preocupación y hasta un poco de su dolor. Segundos más tarde me vi invadida por una especie de alivio culposo mientras pensaba que no habría posibilidad de que sigamos el viaje rumbo a Cajamarca y que yo, a pesar de mis miedos y engreimientos, había sido la única de las dos mujeres de esta empresa de cuatro que no se había torcido nada y que, fnalmente, me llevaba el premio de la trekker absoluta. Nada más falso. Iris, que es nativa de Friburgo (Alemania), con la pata hecha pedazos y el gesto de dolor, no tomó el camino lógico de esperar transporte hacia la capital más cercana. Iris, la que podía escalar piedra, bajar cor riendo pendientes y sostener su musculoso cuerpo colgando de uno de sus meñiques, decidió ver al huesero del pueblo. Y era huesera. Cierra la ventanita y se abre la puerta para mostrar-
una mujer viejísima cuyo cuerpo encorvado la había convertido en un ser de algo más de un metro, un signo de interrogación en todos los aspectos. Después de las preguntas de rigor, cómo fue, dónde, y demás, Eva Eva sentó a Iris en un sofacito y el la caminó lento y volvió con un banco minúsculo en el que posó una parte que a mí me pareció ser la media espalda, hasta quedar ahí sentada, con su cuerpo que era un puño. Sacó los dedos larguísimos y empezó amasar la pierna de mi amiga. Ver llorar a Iris era para mí como ver llorar a Batman. Doña Eva se reía como si para ella el dolor fuera cosa de juego, y es probable que así haya sido. Media hora después, la hinchazón del tobillo de Iris había pasado a arriba de la rodilla gracias a los masajes. Bruce Wayne había ya dejado de llorar y empezaba a tener de nuevo su actitud ganadora, de nuevo su capa, de nuevo el premio de la trekker absoluta en sus manos. Eva dice “Ah, pero vamos a necesitar vendarla”, y un segundo antes de que nosotros pensáramos si acaso había una farmacia en Tingo donde comprarlas… de súbito aparece un vendedor ambulante de vendas e hisopos, que era evidentemente el hijo de la huesera, que esperaba el santo y seña en el cuarto de al lado.
Iris era al día siguiente puro entusiasmo y vitalidad. Ya quería subir algún otro cerro, pero la convencí de que era mejor quedarnos un día más para asegurarnos de que su pierna estuviese en condiciones (…). Así es como volví a ver a doña Eva. Yo le hice una pregunta, ya en confanza, y ella me hizo otra, un poco
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“Lo que yo quería saber, con mucho respeto doña Eva, es más o menos cuántos años tiene usted”. La noche anterior ya me había acordado de haberla visto en 90 segundos hacía varios años, como la mujer más longeva del Perú, cumpliendo más de cien. Eva le grita al vendedor de vendas “¡Ulises! ¿Hace cuánto estuvimos en Lima?”. Ulises no se acuerda. Ella tampoco, y entonces dice algo como co mo “noventa y siete”. Yo no le creo, pero seguimos. Ella se ríe con los vecinos que curiosean viendo a la gringa, les cuenta que la gringa lloraba ayer, y todos se jaranean (yo también un poco). De nuevo condición Bruce Wayne, Wayne, y yo empiezo a disfrutar este pueblo más que nunca. Ella me pregunta dónde nos quedamos. Le cuento que en el hotel del otro lado del río. “Yo “Yo traje de la muerte a la hija del dueño. La habían desahuciado ya en el Hospital del Niño, así que se vinieron de Lima para que la niña muera aquí. Ahí fue que yo me enteré y crucé a verla. Ya ni respiraba, estaba muerta. Rapidito nomás empecé a velarla a ver qué pasaba. Nadie sabía qué tenía, como le digo, dig o, en Lima ya les habían dicho que no había nada que hacer. Entonces hablé con los papás que estaban llorando, y les pregunté qué habían hecho en Lima. Y ahí salió, pues, habían estado paseando en moto. Con la velocidad de la moto a la niña se le había volado el alma y por eso había enfermado y se estaba muriendo. Sí, pues, señorita, cuando uno anda muy rápido el alma no se acostumbra y se sale, se vuela, y uno no puede vivir así. Al toque nomás la velé y le hablé unas cosas, y la niñita revivió. Sanita, ahora ya es señorita, se llama Josy y estudia en Cibertec”.
Frente a eso no hubo contrapreguntas. co ntrapreguntas. A veces en la vida te encuentras frente a la verdad absoluta. De ese viaje yo conservo el recuerdo de Tingo, de las naranjas, de las chirimoyas, de Kedwin, el hijo del guardián de la ruina; de mi segundo puesto mental del concurso de trekkers absolutas, de la conciencia permanente con respecto a cosas que quiero mantener conmigo y del miedo de que se vuelen.
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su madre, o padre y hermana, como quiera verse. Llegó a la casa ya cuando el sillón estaba poniéndose mugre, resultado de los años y mi descuido. Lo tomó como suyo apenas tuvo tamaño para treparse y zambullirse en los cojines. En honor a la verdad yo hubiera tenido que decir esto hace h ace mucho, pero una se anda con tiento en ciertos temas. Por ejemplo, yo trato de nunca mencionar en reuniones sociales que la cortina de la ducha y la luz del baño se juntan para hacerme un teatro de sombras por las mañanas. Por eso Perl de señor viejo con cara de hacha, Mitad de oso hormiguero y Anguila tomando siesta son los únicos que saben que a veces me quedo hasta que el agua se pone helada, o que hay días en que me lavo el pelo dos veces por distraerme mirando la cortina y la pared. De esas cosas paranormales me pasan miles, pero como me desenvuelvo en el mundo de lo académico con tufo a ciencia, preero no decir nada a n de con servar el orden. De cualquier modo no puedo cerrar los ojos frente a ciertas manifestaciones especiales comprobables. Digo esto porque estoy casi segura de que si invito a alguien a ducharse a mi casa la cortina se queda callada justo ese día. El sillón lo compré el 2004 en una barata de Saga. En aquel entonces pensé que mi situación económica mejoraría a mediano plazo, y yo accedería pronto a muebles que no fueran beige, o incluso a muebles en su precio real. No fue así, y los muebles se mudaron conmigo de casa en casa, hasta su residencia denitiva.
Un día el sillón y el perro se habían mimetizado. Desde entonces parece que el perro siempre está echado en la sala (incluso cuando ha salido a pasear) y que el sillón de la sala duerme en mi cama.
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Decisión tomada, hoy mala, gorda y bella al natural, estado también conocido como “un poco fea”.
La marca Maybelline –que no será Lancôme, pero está en cualquier supermercado ahí al lado de la caja, justo después de que una ya se vio en algún malvado espejo detrás del mostrador de quesos–, ha lanzado al mercado un producto de esos que reemplazan cosméticamente el placer. Algo como el azúcar sin azúcar para mí en el feliz mundo del dulce; algo como el chicle o el parche antitabaco en el mundo de mi vieja, pero aplicado al mundo del cacharro. La vil apariencia.
Toda Todass las mañanas mañanas debatir debatirse se entre entre la belleza belleza natural natural,, si acaso la hay, hay, y la tentación del rimel y la chapita piola. Entre ser buena o mala hoy. Gorda o aca.
Vuelv Vuelvo o a que un rato rato después después de mi mi feliz encue encuentr ntro o con Javi, me veo de reojo en un espejito del súper y caigo en cuenta de que luzco peor que varios kilos de chicharrón con pellejo en oferta. Entonces me acerco al mostrador de Maybelline a pedir auxilio cuando la señorita que atiende, y que evidentemente me ve rascuache porque orienta en una mi atención hacia la canasta con productos rebajados, me da un tubito que parece un delineador pero que tiene una especie de hisopo opuesto a la punta. pun ta. Yo, Yo, que no tengo otra brocha que la palma de mi mano ni aplicador ap licador que no sea mi índice índice derec derecho ho,, le pregunto pregunto de de qué se trata. trata. “Es “Es el nuevo nuevo producto, un delineador que después se difumina difumi na para darle el look fumada que está tan de moda”. Pregunté “¿El look qué?”, y contestó “Fumada”. Sesenta y cinco soles por un producto de belleza que me haga ver fumada sin fumar, a las once de la mañana
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SÁBADO
Nos hemos levantado muy temprano desde hace varias mañanas. Hoy por fn el rodaje ha empezado y el equipo se conoce, los actores se conocen. El perro y el primer actor se hacen mejores amigos antes de que el desayuno fnalice. Salimos a buscar la primera escena. El acantilado es marrón, gris y verde sucio. Los de la producción vestimos mucho negro. El actor viste marrón y el perro es blanco como un algodón obediente de tres kilos. Escena uno, toma uno. Ensayemos la toma. Sostén la bolsa negra en la mano, ponte triste, mira el mar desde lo profundo. Después respira y lanza la bolsa así. Así, así.
desde lo profundo. Después Después respira y lanza la bolsa así. Lógico, esta vez no va a rodar amenazando con perderse. ¿Así? La bolsa vuela, cae, rueda, rueda, rueda. Todos gritan, yo adopto esa pose maricona mía de no mirar. La escena uno, toma tres, tuvo que empezar bastante después, cuando conseguimos seis nuevas bolsas negras y cosas con qué rellenarlas que carezcan de valor sentimental. sent imental. La última últi ma vez qu e vi mi chal negro con olor a mí, abrazaba sospechosamente un sleeping naranja y se les veía muy dispuestos a perderse en arrumacos peligrosos, envueltos envueltos en su bolsa negra. La última vez que ví la bolsa negra, otaba chocando contra las peñas que sostienen el mar de Grau por el acantilado, camino a La Herradura. Simón el marisquero y su perro Chuto debieron haber bajado al amanecer el empinado caminito por donde todo rueda con facilidad, hacia las rocas que con antojadizas formas se zambullen en la costa chorri llana.
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las próximas semanas. Vuelve feliz a su casa y recupera la admiración de sus vecinos y familiares, a los que agasaja con regalos y paseos pas eos a Plaza Lima Sur, con su pollo a la brasa más. NADA ES CASUAL
La bolsa y su amarre misterioso llevan alegría y prosperidad a la vida del marisquero. Y a Chuto, gran popularidad entre las perras independientes y reconocimiento como el pekinés más faite del barrio. Que así va la vida.
El payaso y yo nos conocimos las voces un día que yo necesitaba un animal amaestrado para que actúe en un corto. Lo primero que hice fue poner “Necesito perro amaestrado” en el MSN, y de inmediato un amigo me dio el número de una entrenadora reconocida de per ros profesionales con carrera internacional de drama, y título a nombre de la nación. Pero el presupuesto de una sola escena de esos perros Pitt o Cruise volvía imposible el rodaje, hablando en términos económicos. Luego puse el aviso “Busco perrito amaestrado” en el Facebook, esperando que sirva de algo, y no recibí otra cosa que jugosas ofertas de muchachos con gran voluntad de seguir órdenes y nota desaprobatoria en interpretación de textos.
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yo tengo sí es chiquito y blanquito, el problema es que no sabe ninguna de las cosas que usted necesita. Mi pe rrito solo sabe saltar por un circulito y bailar dando vueltas con una falda puesta” –a su vez, explica. Hablé con Vasito varias veces más, ya no sé si por necesidades de la producción o por mero placer. Conseguimos en otro lado un perro con buena disposición y lo entrenamos hasta volverlo un actor de carácter. El corto ha quedado magnífco, se llama El fn de Edmundo.
Hoy, dos meses después del último día de rodaje, me ha llegado un correo invitándome a un evento porque, aparentemente, soy parte de la base de datos de la Asociación de Payasos del Perú, afín al sindicato.
II
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DETERMINACIONES DETERMINACIONES DEL NUEVO AÑO:
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Voy a ser alta Voy Voy a ser rubia Tendré Tendré un tatuaje barato en el sacro Tomaré yogurt aunque me muera de asco Cambiaré el auto por la bici Mi color favorito favorito será el lila Seré voluntaria en el Canevaro Canevaro Emprenderé una carrera carrera de modelaje No me complicaré con temas temas bárbaros Revelaré Revelaré los rollos de fotos del Sea World’ World’ 90 Mentiré para caer bien Guardaré pan para mayo mayo Cambiaré los bares por cafés cafés Recuperaré a mis amigas del cole
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SOMOS CURSIS, SÍ, LO SABEMOS...
SOLO SENTIRÁS COMO UN PELLIZCO
Yo Yo no sé si a ti te haría feliz esta modorrita de martes con dos cervezas. Si alguien más se divertiría en un bar
De la yema de ambos índices, de la vena del antebrazo izquierdo y del antebrazo derecho, de ambas orejas, y
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COTO
Mi perro es un perro diferente. A él lo picó una víbora, lo atropelló un Tico y desapareció en manos de extraños
El día que fuimos a Cañaveral, descubrí por qué el Coto no había visitado a sus padres en tres años, viviendo ellos
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Esa noche juro que fumé más que de c ostumbre, Pelé no dejaba de fregar y los dueños de casa querían encerrarlo con los chivos. Con la certeza de la existencia de sirenas en la playa, a pocas horas de Caña veral, no podía podí a dejar de pensar que en la zona también tambi én podían existir aparecidos, o dada la cercanía al corral, algún chupacabras.
última foto era de una chica de unos dieciséis, con uniforme. Era la novia escolar de Huaquillas. Las fronteras son zonas francas de vida, eso me dijo alguien.
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De ninguna manera son iguales. Hay algunos que saben instintivamente que existen mujeres que detestan los ramos de fores. HOMINEM HABEMUS
A pesar de haberla usado en medio de ataques ataques de histehisteria varias veces, y de haber apaleado psicológicamente
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TENEMOS A TU ABUELA
Si quieres volver a verla con vida, sigue en silencio las instrucciones. Son las once aeme y tienes hasta las nueve
Vamos Vamos a comer lasañas de mariscos y a jugar Simon. Nos vamos a poner cutatísimos bajo el sol. Escondidos, tomaremos vino de noche sobre el malecón de Playa Norte. Y nada más, quedan dos posibilidades. Esperar Estocolmo o devolverte cuando ya no haya misterio.
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Hacíamos olas de distintos colores. Yo Yo había acampado en Gallardo, había ido a la playa y de regreso comprado plátanos maleños, comido higos. Eso solo para gracar mi amplia experiencia en mar a los seis años. Patty seguramente había estado en Lapalapa, Michelle en Bujama. Sabíamos lo que estábamos haciendo. Entonces la miss Rosita empezó a hacer preguntas del mar. De qué color es, azul. A qué sabe, a sal. Tiene vida, sí. Muymuys, machas, erizos, peces, p eces, mantarayas, ballenas. ¡Muy bien! Quizá la goma estaba causando estragos, pero ahí estábamos las cuarenta y uno, miss incluida, hablando felices de peces, de olas, de arena, nadadoras encalladas en medio de Miraores y parcialmente cubiertas de papelitos de colores. El tema llevó a una cosa, a la otra, y de pronto Rosita ya estaba dando un discurso frente a una pizarra verde que era un océano. “¿Ustedes saben que es un maremoto? Es una ola grande como un edicio que viene desde al fondo. ¿Tú qué harías si vieras venir una ola grande?” –en ese momento me miró, de entre el resto me miró a mí , y es por eso que yo soy probablemente la única que lo recuerde–. “Yo –se respondió sola, retóricamente– me quedaría quieta. Me quedaría mirando cómo todos tratan de huir lejos, y luego miraría de frente a la ola. Esperaría que llegue. Debe ser preciosa una ola tan grande”.
Eso de que “La risa abunda en la boca del estúpido” es el texto más picón que he pronunciado y o ído pronunciar en mi vida. La señorita que me asiste en el área de la limpieza, trabajó en mi casa durante un buen tiempo entre el 87 y el 91. Ahora ha vuelto después de quince años. Mientras trabaja me cuenta chismes sobre la familia donde cocina de día. Nada puede interesarme menos, pero para no ser desagradable solo le apago el audio imaginariamente y ahí sigue. Habla de su hijo Smith, joven quinceañero que hace algún tiempo se lavó a escondidas los dientes con Sapolio para tener una sonrisa blanca. Me l o cuenta y se jaranea, mientras yo trato de ver en la tele a una comisión en el congreso interrog ando a la ministra del Interior.
Como en el Villa María hay monjas-espía por todos lados, ese fue el último día que vi a la miss Rosa. La semana siguiente llegaría una vieja con sostén de conos y falda a enseñarnos a dibujar gatitos.
Esa misma mujer, hace muchos años, se quedó cuidando mi casa cuando yo partía con mi madre al norte.
Ella sigue ngiendo que barre al lado de mi cama y se ríe a todo volumen. Di ce que ya estaba preocupada por las altas ebres y los dí as de afonía del Smith, y que se enteró de la verdad justo antes de obligarlo a hacer gárgaras de ácido muriático para que mate el virus. Se ríe de nuevo.
Una vez, al volver, me puse un jean que había dejado en el clóset. En el bolsillo izquierdo había una foto carnet de un tipo en sus treintas con unifor me de Guardia Civil. Cuando mi mamá la increpó, ella le contestó 144
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que debía tratarse de un amigo mío. Yo tenía trece años y estaba lejos de establecer establecer relaciones amicales con treintones de uniforme. Desde entonces supe que ella se divierte más que yo, con su ropa y la mía. Lo peor es que su risa no me deja ver las noticias.
CINE FAMILIAR
Es lunes y pocas ganas tengo de entrar en un debate sobre si el cine tiene o no un papel educador. Anoche, después de comer algunas alcachofas y varios g ansitos; después de verme todos los programas dominicales, puse la tele en sleep 45 y me dediqué a pensar estupideces, una de mis actividades inductoras del sueño favoritas. favoritas. Karate Kid y papel del cine en mi educación, en la chueca formación de mi carácter Que levante la mano el que no ha visto Karate Kid , la original, por lo menos tres veces en su vida. El que no hizo la grulla parado en un p alito. El que no volvió volvió a su casa y por lo menos una vez hizo encerar-pulir con la nalidad de encontrar la fuerza necesaria para superar al resto. Todos, Todos, no importa si en el colegio lorneábamos o éramos lorneados, fuimos Daniel Larusso alguna vez. Yo Yo dije dije (y no me enorgullece enorgullece)) qué churro, churro, reriéndo reriéndo-me a él. Trapos en la frente, algunas de las enseñanzas que en mí encontraron asidero menciono a continuación: - No es bueno cambiar de barrio, y menos de estado, antes de los treinta (constituye el drama de todo adolescente gringo). - Todas las mamás avergüenzan a sus hijos, igual que la tuya. - En Norteamérica se estila que tu púber hijo frecuente la casa de un adulto soltero. - Los hombres las preeren mayores y robustitas. - Los malos tienen la barba partida y siempre son más guapos (pongamos en una balanza a Daniel y a MiMi-
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yagi frente a Johnny Lawrence y el sensei del Cobra Kai Dojo). Quien atrape una mosca con palitos es capaz de todo (y tiene un montón de tiempo que perder). En el conserje de tu edicio se esconde la sabiduría (nota mental: observar atentamente a Benito). Cualquiera puede entrenar gracias a los quehaceres domésticos. Toda Toda actividad realizada en simultáneo con las extremidades pares (brazos si brazos, piernas si piernas) representa un potencial bloqueo defensivo. Improvisa y ganarás. ganarás. De poco sirve entregarse a una disciplina si puedes ganar un torneo en cuestión de semanas. Nada es denitivo. La primera tenía como lema “Solo el viejo podría enseñarle los secretos de los maestros. Le enseñó que el karate es cuerpo y mente, no manos”. La segunda sería “Una lección más que compartir. El precio del honor, la gloria de la amistad, y la forma en que pelear cuando solo el ganador sobrevive”. Elizabeth Shue sería reemplazada por Kumiko, Kumiko, aparecería una gila de Miyagi, la mamá de Daniel san le daría permiso para saltearse el colegio y viajar a Okinawa.
No quiero chocar con el culto de alguien, pero la verdad es que anoche llegué llegué a la conclusión de que Daniel me gustaba por machucado, por acomplejadito, porque de hecho se molestaría si salg o a la calle muy reveladora, si tengo muchos amigos hombres. En su cabecita repasaría cómo hacer la grulla una y otra vez sintiéndose poderosísimo, mientras yo en mi cabeza fugo a diario con uno de los chicos disfraz de calavera.
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CUMPLIR AÑOS A DIETA DEPRIME DOS VECES
Pathos patea el trasero a Eros, y me pongo a pensar lo cerca que estoy del hoyo y en las líneas que el, hasta ahora enfermizo guionista, tiene para mí en adelante. Morir atragantada por un yuyo defendiendo el mar de Asia para las trabajadoras del hogar. Ser ahorcada mientras espero la luz verde en la esquina de Benavides con el zanjón por un loco esquizofrénico que me odia a diario con su trapito neg ro. Ser impactada por una bala perdida en medio de una g resca de obreros de construcción civil mientras ayudo a un ciego a cruzar la pista. Hacerme puré debajo de una combi en comunión con un ciego tratando de cruzar la pista. Perder primero la nariz y luego la vida defendiendo a mi noble perro de uno o más pitbulls feroces y sueltos en algún parque capitalino. capitalino. Desnucarme jugando carnavales en contra de mi voluntad. Ahogarme en ema de escupidizos analisanalistas de textos que saben cómo apellido. Recibir quince puñaladas o más de la novia de un exnovio, o de la exnovia de un novio. Desaparecer luego de ser vista defendiendo la evaluación docente frente a algunos sutepistas. Morir envenenada por mi madre con ají de gallina y Campeón, para evitarme futuras miserias. Que si a estas alturas una, viviendo en donde vive, no está segura de que las anteriores pertenecen al ítem “Muerte natural”, no se merece llegar a marzo aquita.
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LIMA, UN DÍA X No sé si alguien vio en la tele ayer por la mañana el “violento desalojo de una casa en Chacra Ríos”. El asunto empezó como a las ocho, narraban Federico y Verónica Linares, pero al parecer solo quedaba el cameraman (que así le decía mi abuela) y su cámara en el lugar de los hechos porque todos los comentarios se hacían en el estudio. Se veía una casa de dos pisos sin acabados. Dos ventanas con vidrios vidrios y la puerta abajo, abajo, dos ventanas sin siquiera marcos arriba. Dos, tres pedradas. pedradas. “Los vecinos al parecer protestan po porr el desalojo”, dice Federico. Federico. Ocho y cinco, más piedras, los vecinos, sus padres, sus hijos escolares, algunas mascotas. “La situación empeora”, dice la Linares. La cámara ampaya a unas viejas arrastrando mantas atrigradas, dentro de ellas traen piedras de quién sabe dónde. La gente del barrio ya tiene pañuelos, polos amarrados a la cabeza. Una señora viejita que parecía solo mirar toma una piedra y la lanza, con escasa puntería. “Están echando agua por la ventana” (¡ay, Federico, qué iluso!). El gordo sin polo que prende el fuego se quema un p oco el brazo, se aleja, trae un triplay pintado de celeste e intenta encenderlo. Las señoras y sus niños tiran piedras, el esposo, el papá de alguien tiene una botella en la mano, la enciende y es una molotov. “Increíble, ¡que rapidez!”, la Linares había estado callada un buen rato.
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El fuego enciende el triplay, parte del suelo, mientras se consume el líquido. Llega al techo de la casa, tapa una de las ventanas de arriba. La lluvia de piedras no cesa y los vecinos más gordos y llenos de hollín llegan con una pata de cabra. A las ocho y veinte de la mañana cincuenta personas que no trabajan, que no ven tele, adolescentes que no van al colegio, ven pasar una station wagon y la apedrean. Un perro ladra, la sigue e intenta morder un aro. Han traído una sierra y con ella tratan de romper la cadena y el candado que les imposibilita la entrada a la casa. Se oye “están disparando adentro”, pero nada ha detonado. Solo se escucha por ratos comandas, recomendaciones sobre cómo y dónde lanzar nuevas piedras. Federico Federico dice “Hacemos un llamado a la Policía Nacional, las personas han logrado abrir la vivienda y van a entrar, podría ocurrir algo terrible”. No sé bien en qué terminó, pero por la noche había imágenes de un chico al que le había impactado una lacrimógena en la cabeza, ya en post operatorio en el Carrión. Un viejito con Parkinson y una señora que debió ser hermosa, ninguno de menos de setenta, se atribuían la compra de un terreno hace veinte años, que la construcción era suya. Una cuarentona muy barrial le mostraba el título de propiedad a los vecinos y a las cámaras del noticiero de la noche, aduciendo que los viejos la invadieron. Igual no me quedó claro del llado ado de quién estaban los vecinos. A las ocho y media en punto punto de la mañana mañana se dio paso paso al bloque de espectáculos con Johanna San Miguel.
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SALIRSE A TIEMPO
- Para que le pongan tu nombre en homenaje a una calle en vez de contentarte con ser el congresista que tiene la curul en tendido sol y sin anexo propio. - Para que un ex hable de ti como de una leyenda, y no como de la nerviosita que no se quita nunca. - Para que un simpático grupo de parejas no se vuelva debajo de la mesa el swinger festival del año corriente. - Para ser siempre la primera en la lista de los nadie por mérito propio, y no la boba que siempre sonríe en las fotos detrás de alguien más. - Para que te recuerden como vedette vedette y no te vean como la gorda cómica, o la vieja descolgada. (Pero a ti, Monique,
te rendimos culto desde esta tribuna).
Dentro del mismo esquema existen varios estudios sobre Yola Polastri y Cachirulo.
VOLVER A WEIMAR
El perro ha pensado todo el tiempo que somos personal de servicio. Nos mira con simpatía, nos sonríe y mueve la cola, pero todo es una máscara dispuesta a entregarse por un buen servicio. Desayuno antes de mediodía, libertad para mordisquear la mesa de centro y los palos horizontales de las sillas, sill as, algún zapato de cuero a la mano, silencio sepulcral para las decenas de horas de sueño diario. Eso y la comida antes de medianoche. El perro se ha imaginado que alguien nos está pagando por cuidarlo. En su cabeza de perro ario solo así podría estar tan rodeado de crolos. Yo soy la cocinera y Anti el paseador. Sabe que tenemos un romance pero prefere callar hasta poder acusarlo a alguien. Sabe o teme
que sus padres estén lejos. Entiende que lo mejor es llevar la festa en paz hasta que vuelvan, pero nunca re nunciar a su esencia de animal rompecosas. Como algunos humanos, ha desarrollado una especie de Estocolmo, un síndrome que le hace sentir cierto afecto hacia su cautiverio tercermundista. tercermundis ta. Por eso sonríe, coletea, lame la cara de todos. Juega con Ñoño, labrador obeso, Kachina, perra tropical, y Recco, braco marca Acme, pero mientras sigue el frisbi que muchas veces lo golpea directo en la frente, cree recordar esos aires europeos, la arquitectura, la Bauhaus. Varias Varias veces veces ha visto la puerta puerta abierta y la oportunidad inmediata de partir hasta llegar a casa, pero siempre
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fue interceptado y revertido a este departamento chico al margen de un distrito que fue balneario. El perro no sabe dónde se encuentra y por eso no tiene hacia dónde ir. Mientras resuelve su vida muerde la pata de la silla, esconde las medias, rompe cajas de fósforos y alleres. Rubio hasta la ceguera, viene de la cuna de Nietzsche, Nietzsche, Goethe y Bach, a vivir rodeado de Garcías y Ayalas.
5:23 PM
carla dice: la idea es que este verano me prometi a mi misma tener mas tiempo para hacer las cosas que me gustan
Takle Takle,, mi perro, perro, viene viene de de Weim Weimar ar.. Y hacia hacia Weimar eimar va. carla dice: (leer, ir a la playa, comer rico y con tiempo, etc) carla dice: hoy dos de las nuevas prioridades se mezclaron beach boy al ataque dice: cuales carla dice: y termine en la playa comiendo chino directo del envase de tecnopor, con los dedos carla dice: gracias a dios no involucre un libro beach boy al ataque dice: se mancharia carla dice: eso
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y hubieran hecho causa común con el resto. A ratos me apena no haber apoyado a la masa para que las bajaran en Lima, por fujimoristas y por la chancha suerte que me pegaron en adelante. REBANADITA DE VIDA
Mil novecientos noventa y tres, es de noche, y me parece que el bus ya pasó Nazca. Yo todavía no sé que aquí dentro conoceré al Jota, que más tarde y en medio de una película de Van Damme voy a acercarme y me sentaré a su lado, solo por hablar con alguien. A esa hora, y habiendo cenado con algunos de los pasajeros, ya se habían formado los equipos. Todos los de mi mesa estaban a favor de Fujimori menos yo, que sin sentirme abatida por su superioridad superioridad en número me cambié de mesa para observar a los pasajeros restantes, quienes comiendo arroz con pollo, eran mis potenciales aliados. Tendría que verse en Tacna desayunando a la mañana siguiente. Ensayo todo tipo de sonrisas para ello s cuando camino hacia el baño, cuando me acerco a la terramoza a pedir una gaseosa o a comprar papitas Chipy. De vuelta en Tas Choapa Internacional, faltan más de cincuenta horas para llegar a Santiago. No estoy contenta con el bus, no quiero ir a Santiago. Mi mamá guarda una foto donde tengo unos diecio cho y el pelo muy corto. A mi lado están mis abuelos la última vez que se vieron sanos y juntos en una foto conmigo. Tengo un polito blanco con motivos Chancay. Los pasajeros se amotinaron antes de salir de Lima porque unas monjas viajaban con nosotros en la planta baja. Yo no sabía que las monjas traen mala suerte pero así es, lo supe luego. Querían bajar a las monjas, pero no pudieron. Al cenar en Nazca no las vi, me parece que seguían en la panza del bus, temiendo ser linchadas. Por otro lado, seguro que también estaban a favor del régimen 156
Al punto. Una hora después de la cena en Nazca, todos parecen dormidos. Algunos ven películas y yo tengo la necesidad de verles las caras para ver qué hacen. Sigo buscando una liga propia para el desayuno. El bus para al borde de la carretera, suena la puerta abriéndose, la puerta cerrándose, y no suena más. Cinco segundos pasan y el bus empieza un desplazamiento suavecito, como deslizante, carretera abajo. Parece que anduviera solo. Una señora detrás de mí dice “¡El bus avanza solo!”. Todos Todos se despiertan y ya veo las cabecitas moviéndose de un lado a otro mientras Van Damme la pega de cocinero en un barco bar co mercante. “¡EL BUS SE VA VA SOLO!”, la señora de adelante empieza un padrenuestro a gritos mientras alguien más práctico pregunta chillando a muerte “¡¿Quién puede tomar el volante?! ¡¿Quién sabe ma nejar?!”. Los gritos de ay, ay, los rezos, y alguien que corría de atrás hacia adelante por el pasillo. Miento si mencio no no haber me enervado, pero la escena era tan rica que ameritaba muchos más ojos que los míos. Para hacer coincidir la acción y el tiempo, diré que el pandemonio interurbano duró casi diez segundos. El padrenuestro llegó algo más allá de la mitad cuando el chofer, desde el primer piso, metió segunda y todo volvió al absoluto silencio salvo por Jean Claude, obsesionado con mecharse a todos. En cuestión de minuto y medio todos se hacían nuevamente los dormidos. A mí todo me puso de tan buen humor que me acerqué al asiento del chico que vi en Nazca, a conversar un rato. Era bajista y de Los reyes rojos. Una semana después estaríamos 157
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dándonos besos e iniciaríamos un larg o noviazgo. A los fujimoristas que salían del país conmigo todavía debe parecerles sorprendente el caso Montesinos. Tiempo después caería sobre mí la maldición de las monjas, pero esa es otra historia. En un pueblo donde he vivido y en el que fue a morir un concepto como pasar demasiadas horas sin hacer nada, viven muchas personas especiales que tratan de llevar una vida cotidiana. Yo no la he visto pero desd e chica oí habl ar de la peluda. Se dice de ella que es norteña, y que al igual que casi toda la población inicial de esa franjita de mar y arena que se moja las patas en el Pacífco, al borde, vino alguna vez colonizando tierras muertas con un gr upo de pescadores piuranos, y se quedó. Los hombres, me imagino que desde entonces, son lindos, tan oscuros y con unos ojos que están a la orilla de todo. Las mujeres, en cambio, son fuertes y del lado gruesito, tienen muchos hijos y están en las casas o en el mercado hablándose entre sí en un tono que cualquier afuerino podría considerar violento. Cuando quieren ser muy elegantes, se untan la cara con vaselina y bril lan bajo el sol de la región más calcinada. La peluda no. Ella pasa de esas costumbres incómodas. Práctica y con una Prestobarba en mano, se sienta en su puerta que da a la Panamericana y ve pasar los Tepsas, los Civas, los Transportes Flores, mientras se afeita el bigote, las patillas y el escote. Todo Todo el pueblo sabe, los que lo vieron y los que lo oyeron como yo, del ritual diario a media tarde. Cuando ya el sol, a sus espaldas y detrás de su casa, se ha ocultado en la punta que se for ma cruzando la quebrada sur 158
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antes de llegar a Acapulco, la peluda entra p or la puerta blanca, camina unos pasos hasta la cocina, y de un bidón saca un balde en el que enjuaga la Gillete. La deja al borde del lavadero y se sienta a ver la novela. ARQUERO JUGADOR JUGADOR
Finalmente estoy aprendiendo a manejarlo, tapar y jugar al mismo tiempo. Arquero era lo primero que yo yo pedía porque el arquero puede usar buzo negro con guantes y tocar la pelota con la mano. Ese era entonces, bajo cualquier lógica, el mejor puesto de la cancha. “¡Que Toli sea arquero jugador!”, decía decí a el Gordo, y yo caía todas las veces, probablemente una por semana. Y me creía íntegra su generosidad, y hasta le sonreía cuando ya estaba parada en el arco, segundos antes del primer puntapié. Apenas el Gordo o Cabeza d e Manzana o Martín le metían una patada a la pelota, ya yo entusiasmada hasta el babeo soñaba con volar para atajarla como había visto en la tele tantas veces. veces. Pero Pero Toli, que que era era yo, yo, no solo solo era una chica-chica, sino muy poco voladora como para el trabajo, y entonces salía del arco a debatirme la pelota con los amigos del barrio del Gordo que le tenían aun menos respeto a mi género que mi propio primo. Me fauleaban. Ahora que no soy más Toli puedo decir que me fauleaban, porque no es posible que yo haya sido tan torpe. Yo jugaba en la cancha recibiendo g olpes y pensando en decirle a mi mamá, pero eso me hacía menos barrio que Cabeza de Manzana o Martín, incluso menos barrio que el Gordo. Entonces no le decía a mi mamá nada para conservar mi esquina, mi arco y mi derecho al juego.
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Ahí me paraba paraba toda toda pava pava cada vez vez que alguien alguien proponía pichanguita, sabiendo que solo teníamos un arco y que el partido carecía de score, y solo era un buen motivo para masacrar a Toli, que era una metiche en los juegos de los chicos de la Pablo Bermúdez, que casi todas las veces veces denían denían por penales penales.. Ahí me paraba paraba atenta, atenta, con con el codo despellejado y llorando para adentro, a recibir letales cañonazos chutados por faites de ocho años.
DETALLITOS DE FAMILIA
Este no es un secreto, pero es una de esas cosas que una no debería comentar, no sé por qué. Un día de febrero de 1975, antes de que las células madre estuvieran de moda, antes de que un señor plastinara a un gr upo de chinos e hiciera una muestra itinerante, y mucho antes de la desaparición del útero y el pulmón, mi mamá decidió que era una buena idea guardar un cordón umbilical para el recuerdo. Como era mi mamá, o quizá porque yo gritaba y le quitaba mucho tiempo, no puso empeño ni encontró un rincón especial para salvaguardar salvaguardar ese pedacito de nosotras. Lo dejó sujeto al gancho ese que ponen en la clínica, y lo metió dentro de la bolsita de celofán que envolvía una cajetilla de Ducal. Después lo tiró por algún lado. A veces, cuando se hace limpieza profunda y se registra los cajones, cajon es, aparece el ombligo, que es como una especie de cañita sujeta por una pi nza plástica. Mi mamá suspira “¡Qué lindo!”, y yo me impresiono de cuán útil puede ser como protector ese plastiquito transparente de los puchos que tiene ya más de treinta años enmicando charqui de mí. Nadie sabe qué signica, ni por qué mi mamá lo guardó, y ni siquiera dónde diablos está. Solo aparece cuando pido que me alcancen el original de un diploma o busco una foto del abuelo, de un lado a otro de la casa. Una tripita y un gancho dentro de una bolsa que han sobrevivido a los apetitos de varias mascotas. mascotas.
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de pecadores en busca del perdón, llegarían desde Indiana, Illinois, Nevada, Nebraska, así como de otras ciudades que ni el mismo Dios conoce. AVISTAMIENTO
La noche que Jesucristo tomó la mano de Freda, ella me miraba con susto porque fnalmente no era una caricia que ella hubiera pedido. pedi do. Yo Yo eso, lo de Cristo con la mano de Freda entre las suyas, lo veía venir desde el primer día, cuando apareció frente a nosotras con el estruendo de los camiones y buses, con el ladrido de los per ros. De su boca supe que viaja por el mundo, pero fue en Zorritos un verano del dos mil uno cuando lo vimos por primera y última vez. Honestamente tenía más de ZZ Top Top y de camionero que de rey de l os judíos. Lucía la mirada de bondad de la que hablan cuando sus ojos se dirigían hacia mí, hacia el horizonte, hacia los perros pelados que andan por todas partes. Cuando posaba sus ojos sobre Freda era distinto; ella era la elegida, feliz o no, para ser el blanco de los afectos divinos. Con la piel morenita y los ojos grandes, Jesucristo no hizo sino verla y gritar “¡Janet Jackson!”, para de inmediato iniciar el asedio. Religión y mercadeo, eso defne el discurso con el que respondió a las dudas de mi fe. El señor no era hijo de un carpintero sino que había vivido toda la vida en un trailer. La vida en una caja de ferro hasta que hubo llegado la iluminación. Así, un tipo como un Juan Pérez o un John Smith, había pasado la buena a sus vecinos de trailer y estos, apóstoles en camiones, la transportaron junto a los ladrillos, naranjas o lo que sea que llevaran de costa a costa en el país de la libertad. Pronto los cheques, money orders y el efectivo 164
Name, Jesús ; Last name, Christ . Santo Tomás nunca se imaginó leer algo así en un documento azul, y yo necesitaba ver para creer. Era cierto, el pasaporte que lo había traído al norte del Perú consignaba ese nombre, y esta era la gira por el mundo que este gring o barbudo y con pinta de más vivo que el de las estampitas, había iniciado meses antes. Tenía unos cincuenta años, vestía polo con las mangas cortadas, jeans hechos bermuda con los dientes, y mostraba tatuajes a quien se lo solicitara. En un brazo “a cactus”. “¿Peyote, sanpedro?”, pre guntaba yo. “No, just a cactus”, decía el. En la espalda, un pez. “A fsh”. “¿Merlín, pez espada, barracuda?”, pre guntaba, tratando de encontrar todas las respuestas. “Any “Any fsh”, decía Cristo. Una vez más, la palabra del Señor me negó explicaciones. Como una extensión de sus dedos llevaba en la mano derecha siempre una tacita de metal con tapa. De lunes a viernes se dedicó a pintar sobre unas cartulinas a la orilla del mar el paisaje. Recreó el mundo como quiso que se viera varias veces, y por las noches venía a mostrárselo a Freda, como intentando convencerla de algo. Después del trabajo de cinco días, el sábado llegó a la puerta de mi casa muy temprano y vociferó llamándola. Ella tenía recién un mes en el Icpna y no entendía muy bien de qué iba ese gringo peludo que podría ser su padre. Pero como tocada por el espíritu, lo acompañó a la orilla y presenció el último día de la creación. Luego volvió a la casa habiendo descubierto descubierto que en la tacita se sucedían litros de ron de ínfma que defnían los trazos en la imaginación y el papel. 165
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Esa noche de sábado fuimos juntos a la discoteca El Refugio, y Cristo bailó Paulina Rubio y Shakira sin parar, pese a llevar dentro hectáreas enteras de caña hechas ron. Luego, al amanecer, tomó la guitarra que viaja con él, y rascó rascó unos blues. I love you in the morning I love you in the evening I love you all day long …with love love of the Lord. Lord.
Esa última noche Janet Jackson se le escapó por sexta vez en una semana y el domingo Jesucristo descandes cansó, exhausto de una semana de creación y alcohol. Recién por la noche del día siete apareció con la tacita llena y la cara de despedida. Cenamos juntos sentados en la barra de un hotel y no en una mesa para trece. Nos despedimos tarde y el lunes ya no estaba. Hemos esperado que regrese desde entonces, como dice la Palabra. Lo hemos buscado en Internet y debajo de las piedras. Yo fui una incrédula sin miedo, y Freda declinó una invitación al paraíso.
BODEGUITA
Nucita es como el Muss de Cremino, pero íntegramente de crema de chocolate con avellanas. Obvio que no tiene ni rastro de avellanas, y la porción, que es de aproximadamente media cucharadita de té, cuesta china en la bodega de Irma y Enrique, a ciento cincuenta metros de mi casa en Zorritos. Cuando me acerco a comprar Nucita, cuya necesidad imperiosa me saca de la hamaca, del mar o de la cama, aparece por la ventana Enrique, que es un gran jugador de ajedrez y quizá el ser humano más progre de toda la población habitante de Los Pinos, extremo sur de Zorritos, esta niña incluida. Entonces dado que cuando llego ya estoy desesperada por la Nucita o la Concordia piña, suelo odiar la sabiduría unos días y la curiosidad otros, del tan buen hombre.
Lo conozco desde hace mil años porque su papá, un señor que se hace llamar León Trotsky, ya estaba en Zorritos cuando llegamos hace unos veinticinco años. Enrique tenía como quince y León aparecía a diario y tenía un discurso preparado para todo. La mamá era Blanquita, y la seguía un ganso que era su mejor amig o. Cuando Blanquita murió, con ella el ganso en cuestión de horas. León sigue dando vueltas por ahí, gritando su nombre de cuando en cuando. De mí ya ni se acuerda. Pero estamos en la ventana y pido tres o cuatro Nucitas, de acuerdo a la cantidad de sencillo que lleve,
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y Enrique desde su sala dice “Momento”, y siempre salen Miguel o Kike a ver, desde hace algunos años Nicolás también. Estudian con su papá mientras por la tele aparece lo que el señor de la parabólica de al lado del faro guste ver. Eso vemos todos. Dos o tres Nucitas. Unas veces la pregunta es “Carla, ¿tú piensas que ese señor, que hace de Yago en la novela, realmente llora?“. Y entonces yo, o Diego cuando estábamos por ahí, le decimos que no, que seguramente actúa, que es probable que le mojen los ojo s y hasta le hablamos del método de Stanislavsky, pero rapidito porque no tengo paciencia y me quiero comer las Nucitas. Hay que esperar dos o tres contrapreguntas, y responder corriendo si uno tiene hambre o algo que hacer. Otras veces uno espera su vuelto, mientras Enrique recita de memoria una cita de Séneca.
Yo ya aprendí a aguantar y cr uzo los dedos cua ndo camino hacia allá para que me atienda Irma, que es alguito más tímida. Cuando Irma está embarazada da lo mismo si atiende ella o él, porque en Zorritos, cuando una está esperando, se dice que no debe tocar la refri por el bien del niño, así que mientras busca las llaves de la reja y me deja pasar a sacar mi Concordia helada, ya he muerto de sed todas las veces.
Estoy en uno de esos días groseros, y por eso me doy el lujo de decir que emputezco cada vez que alguien dice algo que no me gusta. Pero, en un esfuerzo nunca antes visto en la televisión nacional, ayer ayer me hice de un nuevo nuevo motivo para sonreír. Cuatro nuevos motivos: 1.En Piura hay un caserío llamado El Chato. Solo el nomn ombre me provoca visitarlo, comer el plato típico, comprar la artesanía local y hablar con los primeros pobladores. 2.Algo mas allá, un grupo humano decidió establecer nuevas fronteras, fronteras, y así nació El Chato Chico, reducto de insolentes separatistas que deben ser unos morenazos ojienormes con cara de te reviento una botella en la cabeza pero igual te mueres por mí, limeñita con pinta de inútil. 3.Los burgueses típicos, que los habemos de todos sabores, se agruparon y formaron El Chato Ch ato Grande, caserío con aspiraciones de capital, en donde debe haber una capillita, un almita en pena que todo lo cura, y hasta una esta patronal con potente equipo estereofónico. 4. Los progre, esos que quieren olvidar su pasado y saltar de la segunda ola a la tercera mañana a primera hora, los que seguramente contrabandean desde la frontera y usan jeans con ocho bolsillos, no hace mucho bautizaron su tierra como El Nuevo Chato Grande, un amante y estupendo motivo para conocer de cerca Piura y comer carne aliñada hasta perder la lengua. Eso, si yo algún día pierdo la memoria y decido casarme, juro que me caso con per uano.
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Los tempranos ochentas (y sí, estoy haciendo un recuento de mi vida dado que en breve me volveré aun más tía) son una etapa borrosa de la que trato de rescatar ciertos hechos. El 81, por ejemplo, fue el año en que me hice consciente de las horas y los día s. Por eso es, hasta hoy, hoy, el año más largo que he vivido. Tenía también dos veces por semana un profesor de auta dulce. En En el 82, estaba en segundo grado y participé de una actuación dentro de la capilla del colegio. Tenía un peinado fatal y vestía de pastor. Entre mis líneas estaba una que aún recuerdo (“My baby lamb is sick, I cannot be glad”). Hubiera querido ser María o un rey mago, pero ahí eses taba, condenada al existencialista pastoreo de un chivo enfermo luciendo luci endo una túnica a rayas. Como no hay papel pequeño para una gran actriz, obtuve las palmas de mi familia y de la sister que dirigía la producción. El 82, entonces, fue el año que recibí el premio Tony del mundo litúrgico, en paralelo a las clases de auta. El 83 seguí tocando auta a lo largo de todo el año. Ya Ya estaba en tercer grado y las monjitas tenían casi todo controlado. Salíamos a los recreos y algunas elegidas repartían las pelotas y las sogas. Cuando terminaba el recreo, algunas otras elegidas recogían las pelotas y las sogas. Habían conseguido que no diéramos alaridos en medio de una clase, que no se escabulla alguna alumna piojosa, que ingiriéramos con propiedad nuestros ali170
mentos. Nos sentábamos en orden alfabético en ordenadas las. Nos formábamos en orden de tamaño en ordenadas las. Dentro de ese patio de Miraores había un país desarrollado. Afuera estaba Alfonso, el portero sonriente, cuidando que ni un poquito del Perú llegue a meterse al colegio. Ese año conseguí mi primera pandilla escolar basada en anidad de metas. Sin tomar en cuenta con qué letra empezaban nuestros apellidos, el destino juntó un grupo que buscaba develar los misterios que se escondían detrás de la fachada de un inocente colegio elitista. El 83 fue el año de las revelaciones. No era un negocio fachada para el lavado de dinero ni las monjas nos tomaban fotos insinuantes para tratracarlas en la web. Tenían suciente dinero con las menmen sualidades, y en esa época de Internet, ni el asomo. Sucedían en la capilla del colegio cosas que los adultos pretendían que pasáramos por alto. Es probable que haya tenido que ver con que ese mismo año hicimos la primera comunión, y por eso pasábamos casi todo el día ensayando bailecitos alrededor del altar, practicando cómo recibir el cuerpo de Señor sin masticarlo, parándonos, sentándonos y reclinándonos en el aeróbico celestial. El primer signo que descubrimos fue que la virgen de vitrales que estaba sobre la puerta de la capilla apareció un día con la cara oscura. Personalmente, nunca en la vida me había jado en ella, y es probable que el resto de mi team tampoco, pero estuvimos muy seguras de que antes a ntes no era tan morena, y que eso signicaba algo. ¿Por qué habría la virgen querido agarrar un tono más nacional? No mucho tiempo después, un día, durante una misa, algunas de las niñas traían juguetes como ofrenda y los dejaban al pie del altar. Una muñeca, un libro, unos 171
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patines. ¿Unos patines? Saliendo de esa misa el grupo se reunió a analizar ese específco hecho. Llegamos a la conclusión de que una alumna de entre primero y cuarto grado, a la que nadie había conocido ni visto alguna vez, había muerto atropellada por un vehículo desbocado. Solo así tenía lógica todo el asunto de los patines. La muñeca no sé, era como desprenderse de la niñez. El libro, y esto no debería sonar raro, era como desprenderse del conocimiento. Todo Todo bien, salvo que a los ocho años llevar al altar unos patines en perfecto estado como ofrenda únicamente podía tener que ver con desprenderse de la vida.
El 84 fue el año del crossover con los chicos del colegio de la misma congregación, pero de hombres. Para eso concursé en las olimpiadas de matemáticas y en cuanto concurso de inglés se organizara. El 85 tuvo más que ver con esquivar a las amenazantes chicas de quinto de media que nos robaban los boliquesos a diez metros del quiosco. Ese año también supe que mis amigas de la clase tenían hermanos y por culpa de eso me alejé un poco de lo sobrenatural.
Pasaron muchas cosas sobrenaturales ese año. Un día nos percatamos de que la sister Alma –que era el cuco con hábito– se reclinaba siempre en una de las esquinas de la capilla, frente a una imagen de Cristo hecha de yeso fno empotrada en una especie de pedestal que era un cajón de madera hueco. Se hincaba, tenía cara de dolor, sufría la monja. Como la sister Alma solo le tenía buena onda a Dios y eso lo sufrimos todas, el grupo decidió dilucidar su extraña conducta. Fue así como durante varios recreos recreos entramos a la capilla de de manera subreptisubrepticia, y mientras nos refrescábamos un poco con el agua bendita, una mañana a las diez y quince llegamos a la conclusión de que dentro del cajón que sostenía la imagen palpitaba el corazón de alguien que la monja había amado. Fue tan simple como acercarse al pedestal de madera y tocar el alto relieve que tenía algunas iniciales inscritas. No solo yo, todas sentimos el pulsar desacelerado del órgano preso. Peinamos otras explicaciones, pero en esa capilla especial, en ese año particular, pensar que el pedestal estaba cojo no era una opción.
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OBREROS Y PESCADORES
Al otro Juanito íbamos Freda Freda y yo a pasar algunas algunas tardes tardes comiendo sánguches de asado y tomando una chela o dos. Teníamos Teníamos como diez años menos y alquilamos juntas un taller que era el cubil del horror y una buena excusa para que nuestras familias nos imaginen llevando a cabo actividades productivas mientras nosotras llevábamos bien a cabo nuestra capacidad de reírnos de cualquier cosa, y huíamos hacia Chorrillos, donde habían conchas negras con pulpo, y luego al frente, a una bodega que albergaba la torta de chocolate que ganó el premio a la mejor, y a solo sol cincuenta. Después cruzábamos de nuevo la pista y a unos pasos estaba el Juanito, donde íbamos a encontrarnos con nadie que pusiera de manifesto que esos varios días nos dedicábamos a nada. Exactamente en frente quedaba el Bar Obrero, y nunca lo supimos, hasta hace unos tres años. Yo esto tendría tendría que haberlo escrito antes. El Obrero era en realidad algo así como la sede del Sindicato de Obreros y Pescadores de Chorrillos desde mil novecientos veintitantos, que así consignaba una placa. La peñita, le decían los del barrio. Los jueves era música criolla, los viernes nueva ola, y los sábados no tengo ni la menor idea de qué tocaban, pero todo en vivo. vivo. Uno pasaba por una puerta de vaivén, rodeaba una mampara de madera, y se encontraba con un salón largo donde los parroquianos toneaban de lo l indo. Habría unas quince mesas en
taba cinco soles. Del techo colgaban dos arañas de cristal, seguramente desde el inicio. En las paredes, las gigantografías de los conjuntos que tomaban la voz, y de los solistas, cada uno con su slogan. Fulanita, la voz que viene del mar; mar; Sutanito, Sutanito, el jilguero criollo. Hubo días en que aseguro que eran más los cantantes que cerveceaban cerveceaban esperando su turno que los simples p arroquianos. La primera vez que fui, sentí que había descubierto el Titanic chorrillano. La luz de las arañas era amarilla y el público se movía con una energía especial, o más bien el público era especial porque parecía que yo, a esas personas, las conociera de siempre, o que quizá alguien había hecho una especie de casting y acomodado el reparto de tal for ma que una se sintiera libre y como en casa. Los señores eran cincuentones con mocasín, las señoras eran sesentonas con ceja delineada. Y una coqueteaba respetuosamente con unos y otros, y se dejaba sacar a bailar hasta polca, sin miedo a nada. Los puristas decían no muevas los hombros, cuidado con las caderas, y las seños sentadas se reían en complicidad. Todo era extraordinariamente amarillo y la señora de las cervezas, a partir de mi segunda visita, empezó a tratarme con familiaridad consanguínea. Espero que quede claro que yo no descubrí ese lugar. Que a mí me llevó un exnovio cuya cofradía era asidua y habían de alguna manera, supongo que tácita, mantenido el secreto y preservado el lugar de cualquier invasión que alterara ese orden mágico. También es probable que yo le esté agregando color porque sienta pena, pero me parece que así era. De esa manera yo también me cuidé de llevar a demasiada gente para no contaminar.
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Un día descubrimos que sobre el escenario había una especie de tarima que era la habitación de alguien que defendía su privacidad con una cortina, y desde entonces al espectáculo se sumaba un teatro de sombras que hacía las maravillas de los mirones, entre quienes me incluyo, a mucha honra. Traspasar la puerta de vaivén del Obrero era como entrar a otro tiempo y lugar, donde yo era una criollaza y no una Carlita cualquiera. Donde cualquier vals era mi vals, y yo lo había vivido y hasta sangrado. Ayer que pasé para ver el derrumbe derrumb e resultó que sobre el salón se levantaba un segundo piso del que nunca me di cuenta, donde vivían cuatro familias que no estaban cuando todo se vino abajo. Solo estaban tres obreros embelleciendo el bar y apuntalando una pared panzona. Uno, pobrecito, murió aplastado por vigas de madera antiquísimas cuando ya había alcanzado la calle. Los vecinos decían le tocó su hora, decían qué salado ese conchesumadre, mientras el tío era velado a un par de cuadras. Como diez personas que solían vivir ahí miraban cada cierto rato el desmonte donde no había absolutamente nada vivo, esperando ver si pasaba algo. Hoy van a tumbar la casa vecina que se balancea y desde donde se ve una mesa perfectamente servida a milímetros de caer diez metros hacia uno. Los vecinos culpan al alcalde, al INC, y a la música que escapaba de las festas a las que éramos asiduos. Ya se acabó, pero con eso termina de acabarse. Yo tendría que haber escrito esta nota con fotos cuando quise incursionar como cronista en la revista del
con los habitues más viejos, pero ahora, a riesgo de sonar como la más cursi, el Obrero es un archivo amarillo que guardo en la compu, que es mucho mejor que mi machucada memoria. Una especie de desmonte plomo sin tiempo ni espacio.
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SOPLAR Y SOPLAR
Los chanchitos llegan vestidos de civil a las cinco y veinte al casi olvidado teatro Larco, en donde quince niños y sus respectivos sets de padres ya se han visto, cruzado, olido entre sí, y devorado todas las papitas, Lentejas y Sublimes que ofertaba la cafetería quebrada. Los tres y el lobo, junto con la que hace de madre chancha al comienzo de la obra, de amiga del lobo ya por la mitad, de boletera, vestuarista y encargada del quiosco, encuentran en las matinés de viernes, sábado y domingo, una forma digna de sostener sus pasatiempos y vicios, pero no bailan de contentos. Esa es la verdadera razón por la que llegan tarde tres veces por semana, y no la “hora peruana”, como intentan incluir en un gag que es parte del show. Los niños gritan, la función comienza. La boletera aparece en escena como la mamá de los lo s chanchitos, y los bota de la casa por desobedientes. desobedientes. El lobo, que aparentemente no ha conseguido en dónde dejar a sus mascotas, aparece en escena con dos chihuahuas que no aportan nada pero que él preere llamar “sus ayudantes”. Los niños, felices. Es fácilmente identicable (por el distindistinguido disfraz con respecto a sus hermanos) a un chanchito en extremo criollo. Baila reggaetón, hace referencia a la anatomía de ciertas madres del público y es el favorito de los niños. La mamá de los chanchitos ha vuelto a ser boletera y ahora ina globos, presurosa, en el quiosco.
llega la boletera muy chaposa por el asunto de los globos y trae, en la mano, un mail urgente para los chanchitos. Como los chanchos no saben leer, piden la ayuda de alguien del público. Como nadie los ayuda, escogen a dedo a una niña que sube, abre el supuesto mail y lee en voz alta: “¡Ya “¡Ya es hora de hacer la pichi!”. Como lo hace tan bien, le ofrecen un premio y le dan un chupete Chapulín de manzana. El intermedio ha empezado. En el quiosco ya no hay nada que vender, los globos son cortesía del espectáculo pero se entregarán a la salida. La segunda parte empieza, y los chanchitos están cansados de construir, no tienen qué comer y maniestan hambre. Los niños, a su vez, maniestan preocupación. Minutos de cuchicheos después, ya varios papás han dejado la sala en busca de alguna tienda abierta. Los niños ya menos impresionados por el discurso hambriento de los actores, cantan y gritan de contentos. Al nal de la obra, obra, cuando cuando ya el lobo –sin sus ayudan ayudan-tes– está a punto de comer pan con lechón, se detiene, mira al público, y reexiona en voz alta: habla en contra de la violenci violenciaa y de cómo siendo siendo amigos amigos podremo podremoss forjarnos forjarnos un futuro mejor. Quizá un condominio, quizás un proyecto Mi Viviend Vivienda. a. Terminan erminan todos todos abrazad abrazados os canta cantando ndo,, con con la boletera, que ya es un híbrido de todos sus personajes. Los papás que salieron a comprar han vuelto, y varios niños bonachones se desesperan por subir a escena a entregarles Sparkies, galletas GN y papitas de a china a los actores. Los niños aplauden, aunque al salir hay dos o tres con cara de disgusto. Los dos o tres que asistieron esperando presenciar un derramamiento de sangre, la semana entrante exigirán a sus padres que los lleven a ver “Alibabá y los
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SEE YA
De los verbos que se emplean cuando de hablar de muerte se trata, mi favorito es lidiar. Como batallar contra un toro enorme, de esos Miura que se ven por la tele y que no se parecen en nada a los toritos que yo conozco. El abuelo se enfrentó a vaqui tas eras varias veces en los últimos diez años. Fueron tantas y sali ó en hombros todas las veces, que ya parecía que la muerte en su caso era un concepto en desuso. Las historias de dolores pequeños y peligrosos se sucedieron hasta que en algún momento todo se convirtió en una especie de Pedro y el lobo, salvo que era mi abue, y la idea de que los whiskies en la cocina se acaben del todo. No pensábamos que iba a pasar, y él tampoco, hasta el último día. Hablar de toreros y Miuras no es correcto, lo ten go claro, pero es casi imposible serlo cuando se habla de un tipo que tenía ochenta y cinco años siendo políticamente incorrecto en medio de alevosía. Una bestia para hablar de temas nacionales, una bestia para comer, una bestia para chupar. Mi abuelo era un radical. El día que lo velamos fueron todos sus amigos del arca, toda la familia, gran parte de mis amigos y mi viejo, del que fue reemplazante ocial durante durante casi toda mi vida. El lunes leyó su último diario y gileó por última vez a una enfermera de unos veinticinco que tenía ojos enormes. Después se quitó quién sabe a dónde. Buscaglia lidió con la muerte Miura, con un toro enorme y pinto que apareció de la nada. Verónicas, manoletinas, varios pa-
Y entonces, un poco con la lengua afuera, alcancé a le vantar las bolsas repletas de cosas y le hice una seña al primer taxi libre que vi. Este paró, abrí la puerta lidiando con mi pesada carga y amenazando un poco en ese ejercicio a un ciclista que recorría la Gran Vía. Pasé y me senté. Dije a Metro Metropolitano por Juan Veintitrés, y escuché que me respondieron bueno. Esto va a terminar con nosotros, fue lo segundo y último que dijo el taxista de bigotes, y yo no dije nada más.
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Este libro se terminó de imprimir en julio de 2010 en los talleres gráfcos de Litho & Arte SAC Jr. Iquique Iquique 46, Breña Breña Teléfono Teléfono 332-198 332-1989 9
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