Panda

The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophonist who has a Girlfriend in Frankfurt

by Matéi Visniec Translated from the French by Claire Doucet and Ian Whitfield

characters:

HIM HER

The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophonist who has a Girlfriend in Frankfurt Copyright 1996 by Matéi Visniec All performance rights, including professional, amateur, stock, motion picture, radio, television, recitation, public reading, etc. are strictly reserved. All inquiries should be addressed to the author's agent: SACD (Société des Auteurs et Compositeurs Dramatiques) 11 bis, rue Ballu, 75442 Paris cedex 09, France Tel. 0033 - (0)1 40 23 44 44 Fax. 0033 - (0)1 40 23 45 31 E-mail: [email protected]

© Matéi Visniec 10, rue Watteau 75013 Paris FRANCE Tel. Fax. : 0033 - (0)1 47 07 31 89 E-mail: [email protected] Site: www.mateivisniec.home.ro

First performed at the Avignon Festival (off), July 1996, by PLI URGENT Company, directed by Rémi Rauzier Original title in French: « L'histoire des ours pandas racontée par un saxophoniste qui a une petite amie à Francfort » (published in France by Editions ACTES SUD-PAPIERS, 1998)


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MORNING

Room in complete disorder. A bed. We can distinguish two forms under the cover. The man begins to move. He's finding it hard to wake up. Something is bothering him. He smels a strange, unknown parfume. He opens his eyes with difficulty, closes yhem again and waits. He listens to the sound of breathing, not his own. He opens his eyes once again, reaches out with his searching hand to discover a body lying next to him. Amazement. He closes his eyes and try to go back to sleep. He can't. He reopens his eyes. Slowly he pulls back the sheets and looks at the other body: it's a woman. She awakes slowly, opens her eyes. They look at each other. He smiles at him. He returns the smile. HIM HER

Who are you? Me?

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Do we know each other? Not really. Is this your place? No, yours. You're joking?

Pause. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

No, this is your flat. Impossible. Pff! Whatever! You had the keys. What are we doing here? I don't know. Did we make love? Do you have an iron? What? I want to know if you have an iron. She wants to know if I have an iron. Unbelievable. I must be dreaming.

He ducks under the covers. After a pause. HIM HER HIM

Am I dreaming or am I awake? You're dreaming. (trying to move his head a bit) Shit! The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER HER HIM

HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

What's wrong? My head... Am I still alive? You don't look it. HIM You’re right. Did we make love? Don't you remember anything? Of course… (He reaches out and feels the floor.) Actually, the only thing I remember, is that I put my cigarettes somewhere around here... (He finds the packet, takes one out and lights it.) Do you want a puff? No, I must go. What time is it? What's your name? (looking around) Where's my alarm clock? (automatically he reaches and feels the floor) I don't have an alarm clock. I didn't say your clock, I said my clock! Mine. I set the alarm. Where is it ? Wait till it rings and we'll find out. It should have rung already. Do you mean to say that wherever you go, you always carry an alarm clock ? Yes. And I want my clock. (after having felt about a bit on his side) Listen, it’s more likely to be on your side, your clock. It’s not. Well then... I don't know...

Pause. HER HIM

Give me a cigarette. (handing it to her) It's the last one.

They smoke a while in silence, sharing the cigarette. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HER HER HIM

Do you have an iron? Do you mind if I ask you a silly question? Go ahead. Where exactly did we meet? So you really-don't remember anything? All I remember is that at one point, someone opened a bottle of Puligny-Montrachet 1945. Right after that... a big black hole. Well that's a good start! To remember that the wine was a Puligny-Montrachet 1945! Yup. I can still taste it. Do you often remember the taste of the wine you drank the night before, and forget how you pulled the woman with whom you spent the night? So we did make love! Rest assured, my sweet-pea, we did nothing of the sort. Is it you that undressed me? The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER

No, you were already stark naked.

Pause. He seems embarrassed. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

So how did I...? Manage to pull me? You didn't. The sax did. Really?! Yes. You give good saxophone! You really think so? Yes. But I didn't have my sax with me. True, but someone else had one and he lent it to you. Hmmm. Then, you got me hooked on « Baudelaire ». « Baudelaire »? Me? That's a joke! It's true, you recited practically half of Baudelaire's work! You’re winding me up? No. You recited some poems by Baudelaire, and I loved it. For fuck's sake I don't know anything of Baudelaire’s. You’re mistaken. You know more that you think. And you're quite charming when you're drunk and you recite Baudelaire. Really? Here's the living proof! If not why would I be here?

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

And where did all this happen? All what? The sax, Baudelaire, and all the rest of it? At Kiki's. Who's Kiki? One of your friends I suppose. One of my friends... Great wine connoisseur. My friend the great wine connoisseur... Who has just launched his new club… Kiki… (Trying hard to remember.) Kiki, great wine connoisseur who has just launched his new club... Pretty nice one, too. Right, if you say he runs a club... I hope you remember the address. Do you work there? No, I only came for the party, the opening. Of the club... It's called « Atmos ». And how did I get to be there? I have no idea. Around what time was all this? When you got there? Around two in the morning. Really! And where had I come from? The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Listen, I can't know everything. Oh! Right! « Oh! Right! » what? Nothing. I'm just trying to fill in the holes. And the more you tell me, the bigger and blacker the holes get. You need to sleep some more. Were there lots of people? Yes. Around forty loonies. Who? I don't know them. I just landed there, like you, for the first time. And after my little number, I just came straight back to your place and recited Baudelaire? No, first you threw up on my dress. You're making it up, that's not my style. Of course not. I was joking. Thanks. A good joke for breakfast, love it. Right, I've got to get going. Where's your iron? Wait, can't we have a coffee together? Just to get to know each other. What for? For god's sake, we did spend the night together. Close your eyes! Why? I'm going to the bathroom. Well go! Close your eyes, I said! If I understand this correctly: you're completely naked too! Yes. So that means that we made love! Doesn't it? It doesn't mean anything at all, my sweet-pea, nothing at all. Did we or didn't we? You make me laugh. Whether we have or not, is not the question. Listen, I have every right to know if we have made love or not. You are in my bed, you are naked, I am naked so, I have the right to... Come on, close your eyes. On top of that, I love modest women! Modesty excites me enormously. We did, didn't we? (covering his eyes) Stay like that, ok? Don't look, don't move, don't speak, ok?

She goes to the bathroom. With his eyes shut he feels amongst the empty beer cans sprawled around the bed. HIM HER

This Kiki fellow, didn't he give us a bottle of something? Or am I wrong? We had a bottle when we got here, it must still be full… Am I wrong? Where's my bottle? (from the bathroom) In the kitchen.


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Wrapped up in a blanket he goes to the kitchen. We hear HIM trip. Then, he reappears with a bottle of wine in one hand and a clock in the other. He goes towards the bathroom door and takes a sip. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

What's your name? Solange. That's not what you said last night… Christine. No. Mathilda. Out of the question.

Pause. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Annie. Please. Corinne. Natalie. Yvonne. Bernard... Listen... Annie, Natalie, Yvonne... Yes? Are you sure you have to go? Yes.

Pause. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

(opens the bathroom door and puts out her hand) Give me your iron, please… Yes, Solange... Yes, Mathilda... Yes… (He looks for it and passes it to her.) Aren't you hungry? There's plenty to eat in the kitchen. No, I'm not hungry. We still have three eggs, a piece of cheese... Five biscuits... Food in abundance! Enough for a feast! I have to go... Diet yogurt?

She comes out of the bathroom, dressed in a beautiful evening dress. Her whole look has changed, she is elegant and refined. HER

No, thank you, I really must go. (He stares at her.) My alarm clock! Where was it?

He wants to say something but he has lost his voice. HER HIM HER… HIM HER HIM

(inspecting the clock) Strange. It hasn't rung. But I wound it up… That's the first time that's ever happened. You…Your... name... is not Solange. You can call me whatever you like. Ok? No, I can’t let you go just like that! But you must, I really am very very late. Saturday is my birthday... The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER

HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

So? You're not suggesting that I should stay until then, are you? Wait. I'll get dressed and take you. Where are you going to? No, Listen. First you've got to rest. All right? You haven't had nearly enough sleep. And when you feel better, you'll have to go to Kiki's, and pick up your car. Yes? You left it somewhere, but this morning you couldn't quite remember where! Right? After that, we'll see. All right my sweet-pea? Well then, goodbye, and sleep well. No! I don't agree! At all! I played the saxophone for you, I recited Baudelaire for you, I threw up all over your dress... I want your phone number. Give me a kiss goodbye and go to bed... Deal? No deal. You slept in my pad, you undressed me, I lent you my iron, I want to know your real name! What for? Because... because… Because I want to know you, that's fucking why! But I've already told you, just pick one for me.

She opens the door. He gets back into bed and makes himself very small under the covers. HIM

It's not fair! No! Not at all! Not at all, at all, AT ALL! I recited Baudelaire for you… I... Ah ... Oh shit, I've lost it, I've got to hide somewhere... I should disappear a while... but it's not fair at all! I recited Baudelaire for you… You could stay a little bit longer... It's not fair, you're not fair…

She returns to HIM. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

You really think I'm unfair? Yes! A thousand times Yes! How many nights do you need to get to know me? (under the covers) One more. One more, all right. No, two more. Two, ok. No! A week! Seven nights! Seven nights is too much. You're being greedy. Eight! Eight? That's almost a life time! Nine! Please, Nine! Nine. Fine, done! But after that, you ask nothing more. No. On your honour? Yes, nine nights, and then... nothing. Right, deal. I'll come back nine times. (She leaves her clock on the bed.) There, nine nights, but then that will be it! All right? And you will play the saxophone for me! The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM

(he hands her a key) Here, take this. Why? I like the idea of you being able to come in at any time. What about you? You won't be able to go out. I won't go out anymore. I'll just wait for you.

She exits.

IN THE DARK HIM: “Often, for fun, crewmen... Catch albatrosses... Catch albatrosses, huge seabirds, Who… Who follow... Who follow...” Shit! “Who follow... Who follow easy-moving companions… travelling companions… Who follow easy-moving travelling companions… Who follow easy-moving travelling companions…” The phone rings. The man does not answer. The answering machine kicks in. The other’s voice. MESSAGE: Hi; it's Christian... Are you there?... Listen, call me urgently, I have a proposition for you! Ciao!

THE FIRST NIGHT Black. She lights a lamp. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

It's me. (jumping up) What? (lighting a second lamp) It's me. Oh… How did you get in? Have you forgotten: you gave me the key? It was the key to the cellar. (takes her coat off and hangs it up; laughing) Why did you do that? I don't know. Probably to show off. Please, forgive me. (takes her hat off and lets her hair tumble down) I forgive you. You’re an idiot, but I forgive you. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

How did you get in, then? It was open. Really? Yes. Here, I brought your mail. You have all the answers, don't you? (Looking at his letters.) Perhaps you have already read these. Yes. Nothing very interesting. Only bills. Yes, I'm in deep shit. Didn't you go out today? No, I waited for you. Liar. You slept like a log. No, I waited for you. Because I realized that this guy KIKI doesn't exist. Really? KIKI doesn't exist? I phoned all my friends. No one had a club launch yesterday. Liar. You didn't call anyone. How do you know? Because I have all the answers.

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

I didn't think you'd come back. I gave you my word. At midnight, I played the sax for you. I heard you. Are you my new neighbour from downstairs? No, I live with YOU. For nine nights, yes. It could be nine lives.

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

You know what? I like making deals with you. You don't mind the fact that you are going to lose everything? And I'm really sorry about the key. I thought you were pretending. So you tried to take your revenge! I swear that I regretted it immediately. (Pause.) May I kiss you? No, first you must take a shower. What? You stink something horrible. We should also open the windows and tidy this mess up. I can't stay with you in this mess, for nine nights. Yes, Maam! You'd better shave as well. Here, take this. I noticed this morning that you'd run out of after-shave. How did you notice that? I'm allergic to empty boxes. In that case, you'd better not go into the kitchen. There are plenty of empty boxes there. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER

Not to worry. I've done the shopping.

He goes to the bathroom. She goes into the kitchen. Various appropriate noises: water, cleaning etc. The phone rings. The answering machine picks up. MESSAGE ON MACHINE: Hi Mickael, it's Elisabeth. Are you there?... Come on, pick up… You're there... You're not there... You're there... You're not there... Pick up?... Fine, you're not picking up… It's me, Elisabeth. Good bye. She exits from the kitchen, tidies up a little, opens the window, lays the table and lights two candles etc... She comes and goes. He comes out of the bathroom, the table is ready. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

That's cool! I haven't had dinner by candlelight for ages. Don’t you listen to your answering machine anymore? I'm fed up with all these messages. I want to be left in peace for a little. You haven't eaten anything today. I wasn't hungry. (kissing HIM) Did you really just sit and wait for me? Yes. Come on. Sit down. You can open the wine if you like. What's this? Puligny-Montrachet 1945! My God! This must have cost a bomb! There. We made a deal, it’s our first night, and we are going to celebrate it. Puligny-Montrachet 1945. It reminds me of something. What? It just reminds me… It’s odd… It just reminds me of something… But… I can't remember what. Would Monsieur please take a seat? Would Monsieur have the kindness to do the honours? (after having swirled the wine for a while) Yes... No doubt about it... This bouquet reminds me of something... May I? Please, Madame! Does it not remind you of something?...

Knoks at the door. HER HIM VOICE HER HIM HER HIM VOICE HER

Are you expecting somebody? Me? Monsieur Pailhole... Who is it? They're all mad. But… Pains in the arse, all of them! (Out loud.) You're all a pain in the arse! Monsieur Pailhole... (whispering) Go on, open the door, see what he wants. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER

Shh! I have no desire to see what he wants. Do you want me to go and see?

More knoks. VOICE HIM HER HIM

HER HIM HER

Mr Pailhole... Come on, we must run! What? Quickly! Quickly! If we stay here they will catch us! They’re all mad, all of them. (He undresses her fast.) Quickly, quickly… (He turns out the lights.) Come on, come on... We have to get out of here, quick... Your name is Pailhole? (out loud) There is no-one here, do you understand? There is noone in, shit, can't you see that? Bastards! (Whispering.) Tell them, tell them they're a pain in the arse! You're all a pain in the arse!

He drags her towards the bed. More knocks. VOICE HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Mr Pailhole... There's no-one here! No-one, I tell you. (Whispering.) Tell them! Tell them that there isn't anyone anywhere! (hiding under the blankets with HIM) We are not in. Tell them we aren't anywhere! We aren't anywhere! Bunch of arseholes! Well done! (Laughter under the covers.) Did you see that? Did you see? We only just got away. Hey! What's this? The bottle. It's all I could save.

Blackout.

IN THE DARK Quietly, for HIM self, he plays the sax. Every now and then we catch a glimpse of the instrument. He plays for a little while. The phone rings. He doesn 't pick up. The answering machine kicks in. He stops playing to listen to the message. MESSAGE: Hi there! It's Chris!... Ok you're not in. Listen. Do you want to play in Grenoble on the 27th and the 28 th? In other words in two weeks time… Well, if you're free give me a call back double quick! It's really urgent! And... Oh ya!.. Something else for you... Hold on, let me get my diary... A whole week, end of May... I’ll tell you all about it... Right now I am still in Grenoble, I know that you'll be going down to Lyon on the 15th, but on the 15th I won't be, I'll still The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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be in Grenoble... Listen I'll call you back to see if you want to stay at the house when you're in Lyon and we'll have to organise how to sort out the key situation, and to see how long you think you'll stay in Lyon and if we can meet up. I'll be able to come and spend at least one evening with you in Lyon... Whatever... Right? So, tomorrow, tomorrow is Friday, I'll be at home all morning, let's try and speak then. I hope you're very, very well... Ok mate... Ciao Mickael. Silence.

THE SECOND NIGHT In semi-darkness. Maybe they have just made love. They are resting on the floor, back to back, their heads leaning against each other. She is eating some grapes. He has an unlit cigarette hanging from his lips, a lighter in his hand. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Say « a ». « a ». More tenderly: « a ». « a ». Whisper: « a ». « a ». I want a soft « a »: « a ». « a ». Loud but soft: « a ». « a ». Say « a » as if to say you love me. « a ». Say « a » as if to say you will never forget me. « a ». Say « a » as if to say you think I'm beautiful. « a »! Say « a » as if to say you are bloody stupid! «a» Say « a » as if to say you want me. «a» Say « a » as if to say : « stay! » « a ». Say « a » as if to say: “get undressed!” « a »! Say « a » as if you were asking me why I am late. « a ». Say « a » to say hello to me. « a ». Say « a» to say goodbye to me. « a ». The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Say « a » to ask me if I have brought you something. « a ». Say « a » to tell me that you’re happy. « a ». Say « a » to tell me that you never want to see me again. « a »! No, that's not right... « a »! Look, if you don’t do exactly as I say, I’ll stop the game... « a »... Good, say « a » as if you were saying that you never wanted to see me again. « a »... Very good. Now, say « a » as if you were telling me that you slept very badly without me, that you dreamt only of me and that you woke up exhausted with no desire to carry on living. « a »... Hmm. Say « a » to tell me that you have something really important to tell me. « a ». Say « a » to tell me to stop asking you to say « a ». « a »! Say « a » to say how wonderful it is to talk only in « a ». « a ». Ask me to say « a ». « a ». Ask me to say a soft « a ». « a ». Ask me to say a soft whispering « a ». « a ». Ask me if I love you as much as you love me. « a »...? Tell me that I'm driving you crazy. « a »! And that you've had enough! « a »! Ok... Do I want a coffee? « a »? Yes, I'd love one.

He gets up and pours her a coffee. HIM HER

« a »? Just a small piece, thank you.

He hands her his cigarette packet. HIM HER

« a »? No, thank you I have my own. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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She takes out a packet of cigarettes and takes one. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

(he offers her a light) « a »? No, not just yet. « a »? I don't know… Though I think I prefer to eat at home. « a ». All right. But do we have any sauce? « a ». We'll go out then. « a »! We'll stay in then. « a »... Come here… « a »... Look me straight in the eyes. « a ». Say « a » in your mind. ... Softer… ... Louder. And clearer so that I can catch it. ... Now, say « a » in your mind as if to say you love me… ... Once again. ... Say « a » in your mind as if to say you'll never forget me. .... Say « a » in your mind as if to say you think I'm beautiful. … And now I'm going to ask you something... Something very important... And you're going to answer in your mind. Are you ready? ... « a »? ... ... ...

IN THE DARK The phone rings. He doesn’t pick it up. The answering machine clicks in. MESSAGE:Mickael, good evening. It's Mark again. Now, listen about your contract, I'm going to need your bank details, so enclose them in The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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your letter. Right. Anything else you need to know, you can reach me at Yolanda's, or tonight at my place. See ya. Silence.

THE THIRD NIGHT She is sitting at the table. He comes out of the kitchen carrying a tray. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Here you are! It's called tochinel. Are you supposed to eat this? Of course you're supposed to eat it. Is it a Jewish thing? No, more Polish actually. My mother used to make it for me when I was a kid. Here, add some cream. Is it sweet? No, it's a starter, it can even be a main course. Mmm. Like it? Is it made with potatoes? Yes. Mmm. Not bad. How do you make it? Can't tell you. Why not? The recipe is a family secret. Then I shan't eat any more. All right, I'll give it to you... First you peel the potatoes and then you grate them. Like carrots? Like carrots, yes… Then, you add a couple of eggs, a little wheat flour, salt and spices... you beat the lot into a nice creamy smooth consistency... you chuck it into a hot pan... like you would an omelette... And there you go... My mother would make it for me when I was a kid... It must be thirty years since I last had it… I was a very greedy child... Always hungry... My father always told me my head was too big for my scrawny neck... But that's not true… I mean, is it? Is my head too big for my scrawny neck? I don't think so… God, how time flies! My father always got up at six… Can you imagine, waking every single day of your life, for thirty-five years, at six in the morning? On top of that he worked in a toxic atmosphere... A furniture factory or something like that... They'd give the workers a free bottle of milk every day, to desintoxicate them... But my father would always bring it home… We must have been quite poor, in those days, I suppose... Anyway... I remember one day I made a bet with my cousin that I could drink the whole bottle in one go… I was seven or eight... And I did... I haven't been able to drink milk since… Only cream... in The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER

small doses... God how time flies! We had a garden... And an apple tree that my father planted the day I was born… My father was like that... He would plant a tree every time my mother gave him a child... When I was born, there was already an apricot tree, a plum, a cherry and a walnut tree. The apricot tree was for my elder sister Brigitte. The plum for my brother Jean and the cherry and walnut for my twin sisters, Jeanne and Claire. Funny guy my dad… Nobody understood what made him choose a particular tree for a particular child... Personally I never thought the walnut suited Claire... Anyhow, he was a stubborn man and he never gave up his idea… And after I was born, the trees kept on being planted in the garden: a pear, a fir, some exotic tree, a sort of ebony that grew really slowly... The ebony was for my sister Karine who became a dancer... Anyway… A few years back, I went to visit my mother and I saw the garden. It was exactly as it had always been, all the trees were in flower, and my mother, when she saw me, looked so surprised, as if the apple tree had just walked into the room instead of me… Actually, I don't think my mother needed to see us at all, my brothers and I, she didn't miss us much. As for her, we are all there, in the garden... Always in the garden… She spends all her time on the veranda, looking at the trees, looking at us... waiting for each to give its fruit... that… anyway… I really should give her a call one of these days... Right now it's apple time… and I can almost feel her munching through me… The old boy did have a certain logic in his choice of trees for us though... As if he knew that my mother would one day be alone... But at least, she has fresh fruit all year round... Early on: cherries, then plums... apricots... then it's pears and, late in the autumn, the apples and nuts... In the winter: the fir stays green, and she can look at it. And the ebony? The ebony... It grows so slowly that it seems to be like a child, who still hangs around the house… It's mad!... She eats us secretly to compensate for our absence... Right, I have just had an attack of verbal diarrhea, haven’t I? You should have stopped me… I like your tochinel.

Blackout.

THE FOURTH NIGHT She brings a bird cage covered with black cloth. HER HIM HER HIM HER

Happy birthday! I've brought you something. What? It's a pet. A bird? In fact we don't really know what shape it is. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

I don't follow. Its shape... Or rather its body. It doesn't have a body. It's invisible? It's not invisible but you can't see it. So how do you know it’s in the cage? When the cage is covered, it moves. Really? Yes. It only moves in the dark. Listen.

They both listen. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

HIM HER HIM

What's it doing ? We don't know. Maybe it's eating. Maybe it's walking about. Maybe it's dreaming. Maybe it's singing. It's singing in there, right now? It's always saying something. But we never know what it is. (listening) Isn't that a shout? I don't know. And what do you want me to do with it? It's decorative. It's decorative?! It's for the house. Or rather for the bedroom. Because it doesn't like being on its own, ever. I don't really like the idea of a pet you can't look at. But you can look at it. How can you look at it if it's invisible? But you look at its presence. That’s enough. If you really need convincing that it’s there, you can feed it! Take off the cover, leave some food on a clean plate, then cover the cage again, and wait a bit. It always eats very fast, and it eats everything. So the minute it has finished you take the cover off and look at the empty plate. It's as if you were looking at it. (stunned) And I just look at the empty plate. And it's as if you were looking at it. Yes, of course...

Pause. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

So? So what? So, will you take it? What does it like to eat? Apricot stones, parsley... Even little balls of warm bread... But it eats a lot, you know.... You have to feed it every four hours. Out of the question. There are some days when I'm not in. What do you mean? Well, you'll just have to pop back every four hours. And also, you must be careful, because sometimes it has babies. Oh yeah! By itself? Does it lay them or something? The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

HIM HER HIM HER

No-one knows. I think it's because of the light. Everytime you lift the cover off the cage, it's impregnated by the light. So it's female. Maybe. But I think that this species only has females. Right, and with the kids, if it has any, what do I do with them? For one thing, you can stroke them. The newly born will let you stroke them in the first couple of minutes of their life... And for food? Here, there is a small problem. I feed them every four hours? No, first you have to separate the kids from the mother. That is an absolute must, because the kids of this species die immediately if they’re not separated immediately from the mother. For that, you need to always have a tiny spare cage ready. And the minute you see a little spark light up in a cage, it's because the kids want to go to their own place. So, you open the big cage wide and say three times « Cheep Cheep Cheep ». And the kid will go from the big cage to the small one. They’re very intelligent these creatures. Yes, they have an incredible memory. If you tell them a story, all the kids born after that can repeat it to you word for word. Because there are moments when you can talk with them. When is that? During an eclipse.

THE FIFTH NIGHT He is shaving in front of a small mirror he has put on the table. She is ironing a shirt of his. It looks like she is getting him ready for an evening out. The wardrobe is open, maybe she is the one who chose the suit, the pair of shoes, the tie, etc... that can be seen on chairs. HIM HER HIM HER

It must be nearly eight. Do you think so? My neighbour upstairs... Can you hear him? He's just come in. I can’t hear anything.

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER

He always gets in around eight in the evening. Right now he is taking his shoes off. You're crazy. How can you tell that? I don't know. In the last few days my hearing seems to have developed exceptionally. I can hear every noise in the house. There, he’s switching on all four lamps in his living room. No.


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HIM

HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

It's true... I hear footsteps, voices, breathing... Even the insects in the walls... Especially when it's dark... For some time now every sound in this house has passed through my brain... (He angles the mirror so that it reflects the ceiling.) Even when they're quiet, I can hear them being quiet... Does he live alone? Yes. He’s been there three months. Can you feel him walking across the room? No. He's putting his mail down on the kitchen table. (she gets closer and looks in the mirror) He's opening the fridge… And he's taking out a bottle of milk. Are you sure it's milk? Listen how he drinks it. It can only be milk. You're right.

Pause. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

He's putting the bottle back in the fridge and shutting the fridge. Well done! He's coming back into the sitting-room. And now? He’s listening to his answering machine. Perfect. He’s switching on the telly. He’s flicking through the channels. He's finding his crappy channel. What is it? It's a cartoon. How old do you think he is? About thirty. He's going back to the kitchen. He’s taking out his frozen steak. He’s putting it in a pan. Putting the pan on his electric cooker. Putting the heat right up. He’s opening a tin of corn. Are you sure it's corn? Absolutely. You learn fast. Shit! What's that? That's coming from the ground floor. It's a little boy who’s mad about electronic games. I can hear someone on the left, who is listening to a symphony with head phones. That's Mr Moricerti. Is that Vivaldi or what? No, it’s Allessandro Marcello. Wait a minute. Somebody has opened the door downstairs. That must be Miss Vergne. She always gets in around quarter past eight. She’s walking up. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Yes, she lives on the first floor. She sounds tired. Yes, she works very hard. She’s taking off her gloves. She's searching for her keys in her bag. It takes her on average between forty seconds to a minute and a half to find them. This girl is so shy! I always thought that she ought to meet the guy upstairs. It's crazy that they've never bumped into each other. In the morning he leaves at half past seven. She leaves at quarter to eight. On Sunday mornings, she goes to the market while he has a lie in. When he leaves to go to the swimming-pool, she's cooking. And even when they go out for a walk or pop to the shops, they just miss one another by a minute or two. She's taking off her shoes. She’s taking off her coat. She's hanging her coat up on the coat hanger. Now she's going to listen to her answering machine. Yes, she's listening to it. It's always her mother asking her to call back. Now she’s going to go to the kitchen. She's going. She's going to get an apple. I think this time it's a pear. (resigned) Whatever... She’s going to put on the telly. I have a feeling she's watching the same channel as the guy upstairs. They're both crazy. It’s a shame they don't watch the same crap together. Maybe we should do something. What? (He shaves, she holds the mirror for HIM.)

THE SIXTH NIGHT He He He He He He

enters. lights the two lamps in the sitting room. drops his mail on the table. goes to the kitchen and opens the fridge. returns with a bottle of beer. drinks. He presses ”play” and listens to his answering machine.

HER

(voice on the answering machine) Where've you been? I popped round earlier, but you weren't there. Are you trying to avoid me or what? You promised to wait at home. Did you go and fetch your mail? I hope you haven't opened it yet. Go and put it back in the letter box, ok? But make sure nobody sees you. I'm really sorry but I can't make it tonight. But we’ll probably see each other The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER

tomorrow. I left my gloves somewhere this morning. They're probably on the pillow... Can you see them? You can leave them there, I like the idea of you sleeping with your head on my fingers. Anyway, behave yourself and try and get an early night. And above all don't listen to this message a second time. All right? Promise me? Tell me you promise me. Louder, so that I can hear your voice... Yes... (her voice on the answering machine) Louder! I can't hear anything. Louder, please... Yes, yes, yes... (her voice on the answering machine) Thank you... I trust you... I give you a big kiss... See you tomorrow. And don't forget, go and put the mail back in the box. Ok? I'm yours, with you, at this very moment. Ok? See you tomorrow then.

End of message. Long silence. He presses « rewind», then «play » and listens once again to the message. While listening to the message, he goes to the kitchen, opens a tin of carrots, eats. HER

HIM HER HIM HER

(her voice on the machine) Where've you been? I popped round earlier but you weren't there. Are you trying to avoid me or what? You promised to wait at home. Did you go and fetch your mail? I hope you haven't opened it yet. Go and put it back in the letter box, ok? But make sure nobody sees you. I'm really sorry but I can't make it tonight. But we’ll probably see each other tomorrow. I left my gloves somewhere this morning. They're probably on the pillow... You can leave them there, I like the idea of you sleeping with your head on my fingers. Anyway, behave yourself and… don't try to listen to this message a third time. Why don't you do as I say? There are some things you have to work out for yourself! I can't tell you everything. Right, promise me you won't betray me anymore. Promise me? Tell me you promise me. Louder, so that I can hear your voice... Yes... (her voice on the answering machine) Louder! I can't hear anything. Yes, I promise you... (her voice on the answering machine) Thank you... I trust you... See you tomorrow. And don't forget, go and put the mail back in the box. Ok? I'm yours, with you, at this very moment. See you tomorrow.

End of message. He pours himself a drink, he drinks. Long silence. He presses « rewind », and then « play ». The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

22

He listens to the message for the third time. HER

(her voice on the answering machine) Where’ve you been? Are you trying to avoid me or what? You promised to wait at home. I hope nobody saw you go out or come in. I'm really sorry but I can't make tonight. No, it’s not because you broke your promises. I forgive you for that. And we'll probably see each other tomorrow. Ok? Now behave yourself and try and get an early night. And one more thing. Drop your little investigation. You'll never find either Kiki’s café, or anything… Let it drop, ok? Thanks... I trust you… I give you a big kiss… See you tomorrow. And don't forget, I'm yours, with you, at this very moment. Because tonight is our sixth night. See you tomorrow.

End of message. HIM HER

No! (He presses « rewind » and then « play ».) No! No! No! You're stealing one night from me. I don't agree! (her voice on the answering machine) But of course tonight is our sixth night. Am I not with you right now? It'll be a wonderful night, you'll see. You have my gloves with you on the pillow... And the other five nights that are still there, with you... Now, you must turn out the lights and learn to listen to the silence... Lie down on the bed... Close your eyes… And listen only to the silence... And keep your hands off this machine… Let's listen to the silence together, all right? You have to imagine that it’s the silence of my voice… that this silence is me… Do you understand? Stay like that, don't move anymore… This silence that is caressing you is me... Calm down, I'm with you... Listen…

The cassette keeps running. He listens to the silence on tape.

THE SEVENTH NIGHT She enters. She takes her shoes off. She puts on the two lamps in the sitting-room. She takes her coat off and hangs it on the coat hanger. She takes her hat off and lets her hair hang loose. She goes to the kitchen to fetch an apple. She sits in the rocking-chair and eats the apple. The room is full of little covered cages. HER

Come on, out.

(Silence.) Come on, stop clowning around, come out. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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(Silence.) You’re really angry, aren’t you? (Silence.) Have you eaten? (Silence.) I can make something for you, if you like. (Silence.) Do you want some spaghetti? (Silence.) We still have three eggs, a piece of cheese... food galore… (Silence.) Listen, I'm hungry. How about a tochinel? (Silence.)

HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Oh, say something, you’re going too far… I haven't done anything to you. (invisible) Yes, you have. No, I haven't. (invisible) Yes, you have. So, why not make up? (invisible) No. I'll make you something to eat. I'll also do the washing up. (invisible) No. I've brought a bottle of wine. The one you like. (invisible) I don't care. I only drink milk. What's with all these cages? (invisible) None of your business. Don't you want to give me a kiss? (invisible) What for? Come here, I want you to kiss me. (invisible) Hang on. First I must feed the birds.

She opens the bottle and pours two glasses. HER HIM HER

(drinking) This wine is really delicious. You were quite right to forget everything except its bouquet. (invisible) Pass me that cage over there, please. Which one? The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

HER HIM

(invisible) The big one. Thank you. Ouch ! What's wrong? (invisible) Nothing. Did they bite you? (invisible) What? (Lightning in a cage.) Stop! For God’s sake, stop! What the hell are you doing? (invisible) They are mad, mad, mad! The minute they're born, they start breeding! On top of that they seem to think that I'm their father! But of course you are! Don't you realise that it's you who makes them reproduce. (invisible) But I’m not even touching them! Ah! (invisible) Of course I’m not! They have become incredibly perverse. They make love to my smell, to my shadow, to my breath, to my heart beat. The minute I say something they couple with my words... If I look at myself in a mirror, they make love to my reflection... I have never seen such determination to live! What are we going to do? In two or three days, where will I put them? Would you please hand me the other empty cage next to you? Which one? The little one? (invisible) Yes. And there are some more in the wardrobe. Can you open the wardrobe, please?

She opens it, and lots of cages roll to the floor. Flashes of lightning in all of them, like a firework. HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

Come on, that's enough. Let them wait a while and come on out. (invisible) Where the hell do you want me to come out from? I am nowhere. In fact, I don’t know myself where I am. Maybe you can show me where my voice is coming from? Yes. (invisible) From where? From everywhere. (invisible) So, I’m everywhere. You’ll die of hunger, there. (invisible) I can’t die of hunger because food itself can’t die of hunger. So they’ve eaten you? (invisible, sighing) Yes, it seems that way. Are you sure? (invisible) Yes, I think they must have eaten me before I knew what was happening. Did it hurt? (invisible) On the contrary, I quite liked it. Except that now, I’m drifting empty around the room. This excites them enormously. I can tell because they continue to multiply at the speed of light. (Despaired.) Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!


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More lightning in the cages. HER HIM HER HIM

What more do they want? They’ve just made love to the thing I was just thinking. Then, for God’s sake, stop thinking! They’ll invade the whole estate. Can’t you come and join us over on this side? I’d love them to be making love with the exact moment we make love.

A series of flashes. Shadows that intermingle.

THE EIGHTH NIGHT HIM HER HIM HER HIM

I want to marry you. All right. You're not already married, I hope. No. Perfect.

Short pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

So? So what? Do you want to be my bride? But you're not married, I hope. No. Perfect.

Short pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

So? So what? Shall we get married? Yes. I want to do it right away. All right.

Short pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Now. Now? Now. Today? Not today, now. Now? Yes. All right. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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Short pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM

So? So what? Shall we? Yes. Perfect.

Short pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM

We need a witness. If we want. You're right. We don't need a witness. No. Fine.

Pause. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

We don't need anybody. No. Fine. But we need a little something ceremonial, all the same. We can go up on the roof, if you like. All right.

He opens the trap door and they go onto the roof. HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Are you ready? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. This is the last time I'll ask you: Are you sure? Yes. So, I declare us husband and wife. Yes.

The phone rings. Once, twice, three times, four times, five, six, seven, eight times. Then the calls stop.

THE NINTH NIGHT HER HIM HER HIM HER

Are you dreaming? I'm dreaming that you're talking to me. Can you hear me? I'm dreaming that I can hear you. Are you frightened? The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER

Yes. What are you frightened of? I'm frightened someone will come and wake us. Am I with you, in your dream? Yes. Can you touch me? I don't need to touch you, because we're both dreaming the same dream. Can you describe it? It's still confused. But it seems to me that we are gently detaching ourselves from ourselves. From our bodies? Yes, we're abandoning them, gently. Our bodies, can you see them? Yes. They're asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. They're content. So, listen to me carefully. Do we still need our bodies? Apparently not. And our bodies ? Do they regret our departure? Apparently not. Can you feel us leaving our present behind us? Yes. Leaving our memory? Yes. Leaving our five senses? They're left behind like a pentagon outlined on the tarmac. Yes. Does it distress you? No, it makes me feel extremely light. Our entangled bodies are very far away now. Further and further. Can you still pick them out? As if they were two small sea shells. We have become two voices, simply two voices in flight. More than that. More than that, how? Rather like two waving wings in flight. Two white waving wings in flight Two white waving wings in flight, yes. We're in full flight high above ourselves, aren't we? More than that. More than that, how? I don't know. We're gliding above everything that we no longer need. We're floating above the world? Above everything. We have perhaps become inseperable. Finally, inseperable... I can feel you as if we were each a wing of the same bird. It’s odd then that we can still communicate. We should now have only one voice. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM HER HIM

I think that will happen. Do you hear me as if I was your own hearing? Yes. Can you see me as if I was your own sight? Yes. You can't touch me anymore because you cannot touch your own sense of touch. That's right. Does it make you melancholic not to have shape or form anymore? No, I'm approaching perfection. Can you still see anything around you? Yes, I'm like an eyelid that envelops the visible. And in the center of all that, what do you see in the center of all that? Us. And what do you hear? Music. The music of a fall in the midst of a fall itself. That's not good. You are still afraid of me. Maybe. You mustn't answer me anymore. But I know all the answers… Are you still afraid of silence? No, because silence does not exist anymore. Are we going to talk like this for infinity? Yes. Because if we stop talking, I'm afraid we might lose our balance and fall. Do you still remember the place we took off from? No. Do you remember my last question? No. Do you remember the question that I will ask you in a moment? No. Do you still hear the fall? No. How long did it take you between your answer and my last question? I gave you my answer before you asked me your question. You see how simple it is? I would never have believed it would be this simple. Right, now decide. Do we go over to the other side or not? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. This is the last time I will ask you: Are you sure? Yes. What was the animal you liked best when you were a kid? Panda bears. Give me the name of a city you would have liked to have lived in. Frankfurt. There's a lovely zoo there. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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HER HIM HER

All right. So in your next life you will be a panda bear. And you? Me. I'll visit you in Frankfurt.

Blackout.

THE MORNING The room is empty, in half light. Voices from outside the door. 1st VOICE It's there. SERGEANT And you are sure that... 1st VOICE Can't you smell that? I don't think it's normal, that smell. Knocks at the door. SERGEANT Mister Pailhole... 1st VOICE It’s no good. He hasn't answered for at least ten days. SERGEANT But you're sure that he is in there? 1st VOICE I fear the worst... (To someone opening a door.) Mrs Falabregues! Would you mind coming here a minute? MRS F Hello... st 1 VOICE This is the sergeant... SERGEANT Sergeant POULAIN. Are you the landlady? MRS F Yes. SERGEANT And you don't have a spare key? MRS F I did have… But… As Mr Pailhole kept losing his keys, I kept having to give him my spares and... th 4 VOICE Hello... OTHERS Hello... 4th VOICE So? Shall I start? 2nd VOICE Wait. We need another witness. 1st VOICE Miss VERGNE! Miss VERGNE, would you mind coming up here for a moment? MISS V. Hello... 1st VOICE (he goes up one floor and knocks on the door) Mr Aubert... Would you mind coming down for a moment? VOICE MR A. Hello... 1st VOICE Mr Aubert lives on the third floor, right above. For ten days, he’s heard no noise, nothing. Except the answering machine that records the calls. SERGEANT Have you ever met your downstairs neighbour? VOICE MR A. Not really. I have only been here three months. And unfortunately our paths never crossed. MISS V. I sometimes heard him playing the saxophone... MR A. Me too. MISS V. But for the last two weeks or so, I haven't heard it anymore. The Story of the Panda Bears told by a Saxophnist who has a girl friend in Frankfurt

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MR A. Nor me. 4th VOICE So? Shall I start? SERGEANT Yes... Ladies... Gentlemen... We will proceed to break the lock… MRS F. Oh! My goodness! Please be careful… The lock is broken into from the outside. We can hear the tools and comments. -It's true that… -I think that with this smell... -I always said that... -Pardon? -Mr Moricerti... Mr Moricerti... -Maybe we should have phoned first... -This is Sergeant Poulain... -Oh! All right... -Mum, come quickly... The lock is dismantled. The locksmith tries to push the door. -Hmm… It’s stuck on something. As the door is forced, it hits a chair. A basket placed on the chair falls to the ground and a few dozen apples scatter in the room. No-one enters. The room stays empty, dimly lit by the ray of light coming from the door. A strong smell of apples invades the theatre and you can hear a saxophone playing, in the distance, somewhere.

THE END


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Plays by Matéi Visniec available in English

Old Clown wanted (Petit boulot pour vieux clown) – Editions Actes Sud Papiers, 1998 -

-

Horses at the Window (Les chevaux à la fenêtre) – Editions Crater, 1996

Pockets full of Bread (Du pain, plein les poches) – Editions Actes Sud Papiers, 2004 -

Three Nights with Madox (Trois nuits avec Madox) – Editions Lansman, 1995 -

The Body of a Woman as a Battlefield in the Bosnian War (Du sexe de la femme comme champ de bataille dans la guerre en Bosnie) – Editions Actes Sud Papiers, 1997 -

How to explain the History of Communism to Mental Patients (L'Histoire du communisme racontée au maladies mentaux) – Editions Lansman, 2000 -

The King, the Rat and the King's Fool (Le Roi, le Rat et le Fou du Roi) – Editions Lansman, 2002 -

What shall we do with the Cello? (Mais qu'est-ce qu'on fait du violoncelle ?) – Editions Crater, 1999 -

Paparazzi or Chronicle of an aborted Sunrise (Paprazzi ou la chronique d'un lever de soleil avorté) – Actes Sud Papiers, 1997 -

-

The Chekhov Machine (La machine Tchékhov)

The Word Progress on my Mother's Lips doesn't ring true (Le mot progrès dans la bouche de ma mère sonnait terriblement faux) -


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Panda

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