NO MORE MR. NICE GUY CHEATSHEET
Reclaim your masculinity: • Connecting with other men • Getting strong (physical strength) • Finding healthy role models • Reexamining ones relationship with father ◦ Don't view your dad as a caricature ◦ And don't try to be the opposite of them (because the opposite of crazy, is still crazy.)
Getting the love you want: • Learn to approve of yourself
Learn to please the only person who really matters Make your needs a priority: • Put yourself first. • Take responsibility for meeting one's own needs. • Others may cooperate with the Nice Guy, but they are not in charge of meeting his needs. Reclaim your personal power: • Surrendering ◦ What can I learn from this?
• Dwelling in reality ◦ I deserve/have permission to be happy ◦ In the end I want intimacy, woman are just people
• Expressing your feelings ◦ I feel
• Face your fears ◦ Trust that you can handle it
• Have integrity ◦ Asking what feels right, and then doing it
• Set boundaries Being “good” or “doing it right” doesn't insulate you from the chaos that is life.
◦ Please yourself, decide what is right for you and be that with all your energy for the world to see. ◦ People who like you stick around, people who don't won't. ◦ Start to please yourself!
• Set Boundaries ◦ You can let people move closer because you are confident that you can stand up for yourself. ◦ Use 2nd date rule + Healthy male rule.
• Focus on the relationship and not the person ◦ Why have I invited this person into my life? ◦ What do I need to learn from this situation and could I see it as a gift?
• Don't reinforce undesirable behavior ◦ Don't give her attention if she does something undesirable (like a puppy)
• Do something different when beginning a new relationship ◦ Have a healthy agenda and consciously look for healthy triads in woman. Like happiness, passion, integrity, commitment to growth, intelligence, sexual assertiveness and financial responsibility. You can have fulfilling, intimate relationships. Life is a challenge and so are relationships. As you implement the recovery strategies in this book, you can put yourself in the position to embrace these challenges and get the love you want.
Getting the sex you want: • Coming out of the closet ◦ Admitting and getting rid of sexual shame. ◦ History, ways you have acted out. Your dark side.
• Taking matters into their own “hands” ◦ Take responsibility for own sexual pleasure. ◦ Practice healthy masturbation. Feel comfortable and unashamed with this.
• Saying “no” to bad sex ◦ Sexual mortuarium (which leads to →) ◦ Having sexual energy without it always having it end up in sex or an orgasm (see Taking matters into their own “hands”).
• Following the example of the Bull Moose. ◦ Being comfortable being just yourself ◦ Chart you own path and putting your needs first ◦ Self-respect, courage and integrity
• Practice being just who you are Getting the life you want: • Facing fear (stop being a victim) • Charting your own path (make your own rules) • Letting go of trying to do it right • Learning to ask for help • Identify self-sabotaging behaviors ◦ Make a conscious decision to get out of your own way
• Develop a more accurate view of the world ◦ What one man can do, another man can do. So if one man can do it, why not you? ◦ Visualize an abundant world until it begins to feel real to you. ◦ “Visualize your goal, know exactly where you want to be.” - Arnie
Take responsibility for creating the life you really want. You can become all that you were meant to be.
Rules 2 try: 1. If it frightens you, do it. •
2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
If it feels uncomfortable, do it.
Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for. Put yourself first. No matter what happens, you will handle it. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. (←#1 nice guy mantra) 7. Ask for what you want. 8. If what you are doing isn't working, try something different. 9. Be clear and direct. 10.Learn to say "no." 11.Don't make excuses. 12.If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules. 13.Let people help you. 14.Be honest with yourself. 15.Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever. 16.Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. 17.Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever. 18.Stop blaming. Victims never succeed. 19.Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it. 20.Accept the consequences of your actions. 21.Be good to yourself. 22.Think "abundance." 23.Face difficult situations and conflicts head on. 24.Don't do anything in secret. 25.Do it now. 26.Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want. 27.Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong. 28.Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences. 29.Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.
Custom rules: •
• • • • •
Please yourself and put yourself first ◦ You need to take responsibility for meeting your needs. That's what adults do. Make meeting your own needs a priority. This is what eventually makes a person confident and happy. What one man can do, another man can do. Practice being just who you are. The only thing stopping you from having the kind of life you really want, is you. Accept "good enough" rather than "perfect". Perfection is something irrational anyways and can never be achieved. Always keep the ball in sight.
Reinforcement statements: • • • • • •
I am the only person I have to please My needs are important People love and accept me just as I am I am lovable just as I am. Everybody deserves happiness. Whatever might happen, I CAN HANDLE IT.
