Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique - Esteemology

Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique - Esteemology

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You’ve done all the right things. things. You’ve broken up up with your Narcissist, you’ve gone no contact and you’ve done your very very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your your chagrin, your Nar cissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at at you to try and illicit some type of response. Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through Unwittingly, through sharing, or information gathering, you have have given your narcissist narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional trigger s, what your greatest greatest fears are and your most painful hurts.

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Your Narcissist knows you. They’ve been doing r econnaissance econnaissance since the day you met. You may have have thought you were getting getting to know each other through the exchange of info information, rmation, but really what what was going on was that your narcissist was engagin engaging in something much more much more sinister. They were looking for a way in and the best way to control you. you. Whether this is conscious behavior or unconscious unconscious behavior, a narcissist narcissist knows just what information is important eno enough to be remember ed ed and stored for future use. So when you’ve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz off, don’t be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold on. The Spaghetti Test

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When a Narcissist is bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and you will see everything you’ve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to weaken your defenses. Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with all the madness and then out of nowhere a text message comes in. You’re determined not to open it, but you see it’s a picture. You cave and open it up. It’s a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date. You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you feel one tiny heart string being pulled. You don’t respond, but your mind starts to travel in that direction. Your phone buzzes again, it’s another text: Do you remember our first date? It was here. I miss you. We need to talk ! !

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4/26/16, 5 � 17 PM

You are determined not to respond, because this isn’t the first time you’ve been here and you know how hard it is to get yourself back to this place, where you’re fed up enough to actually take action to end it, but you feel it, there it is, another heart string pulled. Your Narcissist has determined that this was a failed attempt, since you didn’t respond, so they decide they have to up their game. They don’t want to seem too eager, because that would reek of desperation, so they wait a day, maybe two, hoping that the seeds they’ve just planted might take root. They’ve tried sentimentality – that didn’t work, so now they’ll try the connection tactic and your phone goes off again. I’ve never felt like this before. I can’t breathe without you. I’ve never felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have is special and I don’t understand how you can walk away from us.

At this point you’re upset that they are making you feel things and that they just won’t go away. A part of you is a little happy that they aren’t giving up without a fight and that the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but you’ve made up your mind, you’re done and you want these messages to stop, so you tell yourself it’s ok to reply. You justify breaking no contact because you aren’t giving in, you’re telling him to stop. Alex we are over. Please stop contacting me. We both need to move on.

At this point your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted – contact. It doesn’t matter that the contact was negative – they got you to respond, which was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more. Angela we’re not done. You said you’d always be there for me. Was that a lie? You said that you’d always love me – were you lying then too? I need you and I’m not giving up on us.

You’ve wanted to hear and feel that this man really loves you throughout your entire relationship and here it is. You’re thrilled that he wants you back and the fact that he’s not giving up must really mean he loves you – right? Wrong. The problem now is you’re starting to soften a bit and you justify responding again because you need to respond to these allegations. The nerve of him, after everything he’s done. No I wasn’t lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with? You’re Yo u’re flirting with other other women, women, you ignore me and treat treat me like shit. You’re never You’re never there for me when I need need you and I always always feel feel like I’m being used.

This is better than he had hoped, now he’s got you engaging in a fullfledged conversation. Albeit it’s via text message, but you’re still engaging with him. Now it’s just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion into your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it all your fault, so that you start to doubt your decision and what actually happened. I wasn’t flirting with other women. That was Crystal. I’ve known her since I was 8, she’s like a sister to me and she was having trouble with her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when they need my help? I’ve been really busy lately and going through some stuff. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you, but my issue is almost


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over and then we can spend all the time together you want. We can go on a trip, anywhere you’d like. Let’s go out to dinner and talk about it.

If nostalgia doesn’t work, they’ll try guilt, if guilt doesn’t work they’ll try pity, if pity doesn’t work they’ll try jealousy…and on and on it goes until they find some hook that gets your attention. The thing to remember is that when we go no contact it’s for a very good reason. It’s because we realize that we are being abused and manipulated and we need to extricate ourselves from the insanity.

4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

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One always has to keep in mind that when a narcissist promises change, they will change, for a while, just long enough until they’ve determined they’ve sucked you back in. Then it’s back to the same ole, same ole. They aren’t interested in your feelings. They’re only interested in what they’re feeling. Everything that is being said to you while you’re attempting no contact is smoke and mirrors. None of it is sincere. This is a game and your Narcissist is only interested in winning. So don’t fall for it. Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, they can’t fully comprehend how their behavior has made you feel. When there is no comprehension of cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. To them your no contact is just a hoop they have to temporarily jump through, just long enough for them to get you under control again. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that now things will be on your terms, because any change in their behavior would be short lived. When a Narcissist is pursuing you like this, do not misinterpret this as flattery, or an indication of the depth of their emotions for you. What it really is, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your wishes and your boundaries. If you tell someone no and they continue, that’s incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs – not yours.

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I’ve discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If a Narcissist pulls the lever and gets what he wants all the time, he’ll pull it whenever he has a desire to. If he pulls it and only gets rewarded some of the time, he’s going to keep pulling a lot longer, because he knows it pays o ff sometimes, so he tells himself he’s just got to be persistent. When h e pulls the lever and never gets rewarded, he will learn quickly that pulling the lever gets him nowhere, so he’ll just stop.

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That is the place where you want to get your Narcissist after going no contact. That’s why even o ccasionally replying makes them per sist. You’re teaching them that no doesn’t mean no, it means try harder. Give them nothing every time, then and only then, will they stop and go away for good.

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Savannah Grey Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotist and has degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. Please note that all material on this site is protected under copy right and cannot be reproduced, in its entirety, without the author's permission. You may quote an article, but in so doing, you must provide a link back to the website and provide the name of the author. View all posts...

13.04.2016 @ 1:01 am

one of these situations. I have gone no contact but am being tempted to start the cycle again. Your right it is so very hard to give up this cycle. Please pray for me and I am praying for

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30.03.2016 @ 5:50 am

My N I finally stopped talking last year. She called herself my friend for five years and I dumped her cold turkey but we work at the same place and I could feel her staring planning her revenge. When she started to enact her plan, it went horribly awry and back fired in her face and of course she blamed me. My N confronted me and it ended in a physical confrontation which I came out the victor. My guilt till this day is I called out all her little secrets that contradicted /broke the image she had she been perpetrating for years. I was ruthless, nasty and just a plain disgusting something even more menacing and vomitlike than a N. I knew I broke that person that day and I feel bad about it but I will never apologize or give them satisfaction of confirming their delusion’s and lies. Reply

21.03.2016 @ 8:42 pm

It’s been a year and a half since absolute No Contact, no reaction, no word from my side. The best way to see a narcissist’s true face is to reach the point in which you realize that he is able to completely and mercilessly destroy you. He’s been carefully planning that, in case you decide to leave. Be very well aware of what you say and share with such a psychopath, because, at some point he will wish to use it against you, even if it is going to kill you. Expect the worst blackmailing and intimidation. However bad it looks, it is actually good. Because, that’s when you truly realize what a


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67 comments

Janethello

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4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

Satan he is. Don’t be scared! Show that you are not afraid and that you don’t care for whatever he’s going to do. Go to a shelter for abused if you need. But STOP any contact!!! Any reaction! Act as if you are dead. It is going to be extremely hard in the begging, they are like a plague, they posses your mind. Your poor brain was trained not to think about anything else, but him. It is important that you cut off with peeking into his FB or any other social profiles. Don’t do it to yourself. Time will heal, believe me. I was a complete mess, I was destroyed mentally, emotionally and even physically – I felt extremely exhausted. So far, I have blocked tens of fake FB profiles, that I new it was him, because, each time the bastard would give me a clue, at some point. At some point I stopped blocking because, eventually, I don’t F***ING care. If he has an urge to monitor my FB activities, let it be. I don’t really care anymore. And that’s the best!

09.12.2015 @ 10:42 pm

Reading those Spaghetti Test excerpts sounded EXACTLY like the narc when I went no contact almost 2 years ago. He tried everything under the sun, but thankfully I was finally at the point where I could understand what he was doing and observe. It was amazing to see the tactic switches happening… exactly as you described above. Great post!

09.11.2015 @ 5:44 pm

This is some really great info and some awesome methods for dealing with the issue. I guess I am kinda curious as to how to deal with someone who is assuming your a narcissist because they fail to see what their partner does in the relationship to try and be proactive and engaged. Also, what about factors like ADD/ADHD or things like TBI or PTSD? How do you differentiate?

07.11.2015 @ 7:15 am

So glad I found this site…I’m drinking up every word and am feeling validated….I pretty much have been handling things pretty well on my own with my ex…I was able to maintain no contact for two months until he found me grocery shopping….he sobbed, apologized etc…I got into the same old, same old with more intensity for about two more months… I’m back to no contact…very difficult when he finds ways of getting a message to me usually regarding him having to go to the emergency room or doctor for stage 3 cancer ( lies of course)… I guess I just need to vent to an audience who has no emotional investment in me but also need advise… because I’m not responding to his messages (pathetic and


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4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

nasty) he has now decided to post pictures of me and my

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mother on his face book page…innocent enough but it’s

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getting under my skin…most would advise me to block him,however, I feel the need to know where his head is at so that I can avoid certain situations…feeling a little weak right now

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Reply

BeenThere

The Nine Signs Your Relationship is Over 28.11.2015 @ 1:18 pm

@ Anniefiggy I had taken back my N EIGHT times. Been there done that in every imaginable way. I’ve been told everything under the sun by my ex N. I know it’s hard. You are NOT going no contact when you stalk his FB page to ‘see where’ his head is at. You’re kidding yourself if you believe that. You are keeping yourself tied to him I can state that because I’ve done the same. Please stop that! It’s no good for you. Please understand that no matter what he’s doing or what he says or spews out, he will never treat you any differently. And, usually the treatment of you gets worse each time you let him back in. I even KNOw that my N is a diagnosed NPD and I still took him back.

Pixie

04.11.2015 @ 9:56 pm

Great website, thank you. I went no contact 10 months ago and I still find it hard, I have tried everything but he still dominates my thoughts, but it is getting easier. Reading this is like listening to my ex, he would do exactly these things with the photos and the drawing me into a conversation then ‘lets go away and talk about it’. Of course we would never talked about it away as I was then spoiling the lovely treat that he had planned. I was with him for nearly two years. We spend four months apart in the second year, and he used to make me feel responsible for the time apart. I would fret terrible as it was such a ‘wonderful relationship’ and we would part over silly misunderstandings. He would want to spend all his time with me and this lead to me giving up some of my work creating financial difficulties for me and isolating me. The possessiveness ‘because he loved me so much’ and the

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run me down, shouted at me or swore at me but it was abuse

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4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

evaluate all my previous relationships including the ones I had with my parents as a child. Wow, it’s good to get that off my chest, phew! " Reply

Girltryingtogrin

25.10.2015 @ 5:25 am

Thank you for telling the truth so that one more person sees they aren’t crazy and moves out of the dark and into a better life. Reply

10.10.2015 @ 7:25 pm

K @ Dopey

Your absolutely right! They don’t get it and always seem to pop up when you least expect it.. No matter how many times you tell them to leave you alone they still don’t get it. I told my ex narc to not contact me so many times but he still did.. I think it’s got challenge written all over it plus they hate loosing control. I’m proud to say I’ve been 10 weeks No Contact and it feels great. I’ve blocked him on Watts App but can’t block on normal messaging so I still wonder is this it? Has he gone for good? Fingers crossed he has.. Once they have new supply they do leave us alone but only for a short time as once the novelty had worn off they will be knocking on our door… Reply

Dopey

09.10.2015 @ 1:57 am

Told the N not to contact me for any reasons at all & after 4 months he still has the cheek to email me & asked if he calls me, will I talk to him? What a joke!! They really don’t seems to get it do they?!? Lol Reply

Lola

08.10.2015 @ 6:09 pm

For the somatic, I think the typical ‘monogamous’ relationship seems to last about 6 months (with the only possibility being longer is if he has something on the side). Really, even that is pushing it. Found out the somatic I mentioned in my earlier post, who after discarding my friend for another girl with 2 kids and loveboming the crap outta her on FB have broken up after only 6 months and he’s already onto his new supply. He wooed my friend for the same length of time and only tailors


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4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

his compliments for whom he is trying to target. It is just so textbook. So much for his now ex whom he claimed was the ‘love of his life’. We sort of sat on the sidelines, wondering when the trainwreck was gonna happen b/c this girl left her marriage for him. Not good. The thing too, is that FB is so juvenile when it comes to advertising your relationships. People get to see when you broke up, and it’s advertised all over. It’s just so middle school. This somatic is doomed to a life of repetition. He will be 50 and still working low end jobs, on the prowl, hitting the gym, idealizing and discarding, never changing. It has to be such a lonely feeling. But then again, he doesn’t seem to feel anything. Reply

27.09.2015 @ 3:51 pm

DDG

Savannah, this post is great. I am divorcing my N after 18 years, we have 2 kids. How can I maintain no contact and coparent? I have put boundaries in place like crazy, but inevitably we overlap at kids’ games or when we must parent together. The last time this happened, my N crossed my emotional, sexual and intellectual boundaries within 2 min, giving me the teary, lovely dovey N Stare that says “I love you, love us together, I appreciate you” which is how my N has manipulated me for 24 years. The kids were there for this, and when he reached out to touch me I was stuck because he set me up to be the bad guy in front of our kids. He is playing victim to my request for no contact, He wants everyone to see he is a living caring man, he is even campaigning with our friends. help! Reply

Savannah Grey

27.09.2015 @ 4:04 pm

DDG You’ve got to change your mindset to where it doesn’t matter what he says or does to you or anyone else. He can’t upset you without your permission – right? If you don’t care nothing he says will have any effect on you. Tomorrow’s blog will help with what you’re dealing with.

wannabfree

22.09.2015 @ 7:06 am

Just breaking away from my superior “King “N”. I am so thankful to you Savanah.pure luck brought me to your website lol. I finally understand his need to keep me insane, and I’m so done with his bs!! One day at a time I guess. Looking forward to starting MY life again…thanks so much!


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Reply

14.09.2015 @ 5:37 pm

JJ

I too am in a relationship with a narcissist. I actually married this “man” 2yrs ago next month. I recently found out he has the cluster b type personality & a whole lot more issues. Problem is, I love him by but I don’t like him. I know I have to leave because this relationship is by far the worst one I have ever been in my entire life; it is extremely unhealthy, he is incapable of change, & therefore the relationship has no future. Thank God there are no kids together here. I was the only one trying to make life better for us but in speaking to him there is nothing I can do to pleaae him or make him happy, so I’m out. My advice to other women is if he is not willing to go to counseling early in the relationship, does not admit to being wrong for anything, you are always being accused of something (usually made up), then you don’t have a helathy relationship & he may be a narcissistic, self-contained, antisocial, egotistical bastard! Reply

Kim

10.09.2015 @ 1:51 am

Thank you for the article. I have been in a narasistic relationship for 2 years. It has been a long, hard 2 years with so many terrible stories of disrespect, severe emotional abuse and unhappiness. I believe I am half way through stage 3. I am planning for the day I tell him to leave our home and that I want a divorce. This relationship has to end. I’m am falling deeper and deeper into depression. I need to do this for my sake and for the sake of my daughter! Reply

Andrea

01.09.2015 @ 7:47 am

Thank you for this article. After 8 years with my narcissist, I left. About a year and a half went past and I had forgotten about all the bad stuff, so after all that no contact etc, I text him! (I wasn’t aware at the time of narcissists, I hadn’t yet read up). Oh it was all lovely at first, really what I was looking for in a relationship and I was so happy that after a year and half of being without me he’d appreciated what he was missing. Well, that lasted 2 months. As soon as his old behaviours started coming out (namely, him trying to manage down my expectations – not going to happen), that was it, I was out of there. Didn’t even tell him I was ending the relationship, just went no contact. I’d never do that with anyone else, but the shitbag didn’t deserve an explanation. I started researching and this is why I ended up. He is a full blown narc, it’s scary. All the times I’ve spent with him, he was secretly thinking in his head ‘how can I bring this bitch down and keep her there’. Truly scary stuff.


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31.08.2015 @ 10:56 pm

SGS Isn’t this a sociopath?

What is the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist? I keep seeing what I know to be a sociopath (married one) called a narcissist.. confusing… and with way they’re terrible. Reply

Savannah Grey

31.08.2015 @ 11:36 pm

SGS both NPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder are both cluster b disorders which means they have some traits in common. The biggest differences I think are that a Narcissist needs people like a drug addict needs their drugs, they derive their sense of self-worth externally from other people, so they constantly need to look for and feed off of the emotions of other’s. A Psychopath doesn’t need people. They don’t care what you think of them. Your hating them doesn’t mean a thing to them. They use people because it amuses them not because they need to. Narcissists have an impaired ability to feel empathy, Psychopaths don’t feel empathy period. Narcissists are massively insecure and fear rejection, Psychopaths aren’t insecure and they don’t care if you leave them. So If your guy is constantly seeking approval, looking for ego strokes and needing people to puff him up he’s a Narcissist. If he’s totally cold, indifferent and just amuses himself by toying with others then he’s likely a Psychopath. They are both misanthropes, they both use and manipulate people it is however for different reasons. It can be difficult to make the distinction but I look at the insecurity factor and whether or not their egos need stroking.

KAS

27.08.2015 @ 3:07 pm

Not sure what to make of this. Yesterday while I was reading this article (how timely!!!) my ex N’s new wife texted me that its been nice not hearing from my big mouth. Then 20 minutes later she texted asking if I saw the flowers my ex gave her on FB. And that he loves her so and takes such good care of her. You’d think she’d be happy about no contact, instead she’s trying to pull me into another fight!!! I’m ignoring her. Reply

Nils

26.08.2015 @ 9:08 am

I have blocked him Skype, unfriended him on Facebook and diverted his emails to my trash (you can’t block emails on


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4/26/16, 5� 17 PM

Google). I had blocked his number on my iPhone but today I deleted his number all together which technically means he could contact me but I didn’t even want his number on my phone anymore. Have id one the wrong with the phone?! Reply

Lola

26.08.2015 @ 1:40 pm

There’s so much effort to purge someone from our lives nowadays. Not just them but their digital footprints. I’ve blocked on Skype, Gmail = trash bucket, block on FB, and maybe something else? LOL In the olden days, people just didn’t come by your house anymore. Or you’d have someone keeping sentry with a shotgun, were this the Old West. That would be fun.

RobertV

25.08.2015 @ 1:20 pm

I make them pull the lever and get punished. Reply

marcie

21.08.2015 @ 2:38 am

My ex husband who was diagnosed with nod did not try to come back or Hoover. At first I was hurt but now I know I was lucky. I did stand up to him and his “everyone” with the real truth about him and I know they don’t give closure and I exposed him. I did that for my healing not caring that he would just use that to make me look more crazy Reply

Vane S.

19.08.2015 @ 1:11 pm

“K”- we have a two year old daughter together.. And I realize now that she was just an excuse for him to come to the house and for me to give him attention.. He uses her to pull my heart strings..in the past when I didn’t want to talk to him..he would send me pictures of her..saying that he missed us..he misses his family..and I would fall for that..and I would let him see her..he would spend 5-10 mins with her..then he wanted to have sex with me then go back to ignoring me..I know now that he don’t care anything about her and will use her to try to get my attention… But yeah…he is trying to keep tabs on me because since I haven’t talked to him..he probably thinks I have somebody else so yeah..he’s freaking out… Reply


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19.08.2015 @ 11:12 am

K

They keep tabs because they want to know if you are still available to them. They don’t like rejection, so they want to check – are you married, did you have a baby, do you have a boyfriend…. they also are hoping you aren’t doing great once they’ve left your life. They are so insecure they have to keep checking to reassure themselves that they made the right decision…. What Savannah said is so true.. My ex narc would text me every 6 to 8 weeks after I told him that I did not want him contacting anymore.. and when he realised that I wasnt going to respond the texts become more frequent as if they go into a panic that we have actually moved on and forgotten them!! Like Savannah says no contact is the only way to be free of these draining toxic people.. I was no response which doesn’t actually work, even though I wasn’t responding when I received a text from him it set me back ten steps. Blocking them from every avenue is the only way to move forward and concentrate on you.. Reply

Vane S.

19.08.2015 @ 2:33 am

Update: Well…he came back tonight… I was watching TV and I heard a truck in my driveway.. Then I heard loud banging on my door..I told him through the door if he didn’t leave I was going to call the police…he said something..then he left..I locked my screen door.. 15 mins later.. He came back..popped my lock open and kept banging on my doors..then he left again..10 mins later..he came back again!!!!!!!..he could tell me and my daughter was in the bathroom and was trying to talk to me through the window…he said that he had came by the house all week and that he was ringing my doorbell..I’ve been home all week and he never came here..he was asking me if he could come by when he was sending me messages but I never responded to him..just like tonight.. I let him knock and look like a fool..but I’m not going to be able to keep dealing with him doing this because when he does this..I get pissed and I would let him in the house and all he would do is try to have sex with me and if I gave in..he would ignore me…so I’m going to have to start to call the police.. I didn’t cave in..but this is getting old..he just wants me to give in and go back to those old ways and I’m just not going to do it.. Reply

Lola

18.08.2015 @ 11:57 pm

Savannah: Have you ever heard a case where a somatic boomerang type narc was suddenly enthralled and faithful in some new relationship after claiming to meet the ‘love of his life’?


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I know I already know the answer, but I’m curious if you or anyone else has any feedback/experiences. I knew a guy, total user/ manipulator– very likely a narcissistic sociopath given all his glib charm and yet I’m finding it hard to believe how a man who has a library of nude women on his phone could possibly be ‘faithful’ with some divorced chick with 2 infants. (She left her husband for him.) After his discard, I read a lot about narcs (obviously) and several sites mentioned how they are bad gift givers. Well, I found it telling that he sent a b-day gift to a female friend of his (a harem member–likely an old fuck buddy–he posted this on FB so all could see) which was a shirt from his tattoo parlor (where he got all his lame tattoos). I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but in retrospect I do find it telling how such a gift will inspire conversation back onto him. “Where did you get that shirt?” “Oh, my friend Johnny gave this to me. He has the coolest tattoos. He’s so hot, etc.” Conversation? Back to him and his tattooed muscles. And why do these narcs, even when not contacting us, still search us online/follow our blogs, etc.? If I was gonna cut someone out I wouldn’t be doing that. But then again, I’m not a narc. Reply

Savannah Grey

19.08.2015 @ 12:54 am

Lola: One possibility is that whomever is doing the diagnosis may not have the right diagnosis. The person could have been emotionally unavailable and not a Narcissist, then something happened and he decided to grow up and change – or the reason for his emotional unavailability no longer exists. another possibility is that they are in the over-evaluation stage and he is currently obsessed with his new target, only to revert back to his old self once she is no longer shiny and new. Another possibility is that some Narcissists are capable of long term relationships. They’re not happy ones though believe me, my ex-narc also left me for a woman with two children and as far as I know they are still together – do I envy her – hell no. As for the gift – generally they are terrible gift givers but it depends on the situation. For a Narc it’s all about how they are perceived. My Narc was terrible at buying me gifts, but he gave a friend and co-worker $1200 to help him buy a boat. He got off on the fact that he would be viewed as such a generous guy. The general rule of thumb for a Narc is that when they are generous it’s not for the sake of being generous – it’s for how it will make them look and the supply they can glean from that. They keep tabs because they want to know if you are still available to them. They don’t like rejection, so they


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want to check – are you married, did you have a baby, do you have a boyfriend…. they also are hoping you aren’t doing great once they’ve left your life. They are so insecure they have to keep checking to reassure themselves that they made the right decision. If you won the lottery a week after they left you – that would make them nearly suicidal.

Lola

19.08.2015 @ 1:09 am

Thanks for your thorough response. “If you won the lottery a week after they left you – that would make them nearly suicidal.” This made me laugh. I wish I could win the lottery if only for that. LOL!

Helga

18.08.2015 @ 3:51 pm

What if the narc never hoovered back in this way? What if he never tried to suck you back in? I was never hovered by my ex which made me doubt if he really is a narc… Or maybe I am really of no use to him anymore…that he no longer views me as a narc supply… Reply

Savannah Grey

18.08.2015 @ 4:47 pm

When they leave and don’t come back you are one of the lucky ones.

Vane S.

18.08.2015 @ 2:12 pm

This came in the nick of time..its been two weeks since I’ve heard from my N…and I’ve never felt better…a couple of weeks ago..he was doing the whole back and forth game with me and I had finally had enough..we have a child and I had asked him for something for her..he ignored me for days..so I blocked him from calling me..he started sending me emails..I sent them to my spam box..I didn’t respond until I saw a message where he said he had came by my house…I snapped on him but haven’t said any else to him because I don’t have nothing to say to him..yesterday I read this about 5 times..and this basically confirms everything..because in the past I fell for every hook he sunk into me but not anymore..like I said..I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I pray to God he stays away from me and my child..thanks for this post Savannah!!!!!!!!


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Reply

18.08.2015 @ 9:01 am

helen

i split up. he chased.did no contact. i got low ,i made contact. he came straight back. played me against another woman. now he disappeared and giving me no contact. i miss him. why? he has done some terrible things to me. part of me wnats him back and part says wake up and move on. im sick Reply

StrongerToday

18.08.2015 @ 7:39 pm

Helen…please remember HE is the sick one. Many of us have had multiple weak moments. But you will get there. I sought help from a therapist as I recognized something is keeping me from going no contact… fear…low self esteem…whatever. He has brainwashed me for years into thinking I will never find anyone else or no one as “good” as him. Seek help. IT is hard to do totally on your own. I read articles here a LOT to keep my strong. Work on loving yourself. He is not worth getting down on yourself!! You can do it! YOu do NOT need him.

StrongerToday

18.08.2015 @ 3:35 am

I agree with Eileen W, the info about not taking “No” for an answer was critical info for me. Reply

StrongerToday

18.08.2015 @ 3:31 am

Wow, this is the third most important post for me from this site. The first one was an intro to Narcissism, the second the Harem article and now this. Even tho Savannah recommends and specifically recommended to me no contact (and so did my therapist), I did not stick to it. And now I am experiencing everything described in this article. He has really poured it on and I fell for it. He was even trying to be intimate with me. And I just cant do it. I am so repulsed. He keeps asking me to “cuddle”. I said absolutely not. So then he tried to hug and kiss on me and I pulled away. So he left for the coast and he will be back in 3 weeks. We agreed to no contact for this time period. However I will have no contact now period. This article describes everything I have been experiencing to a T. As stated in the article, he keeps telling me I am the love of his life and my internal response is “you can’t possibly love me”. I know this is not love.


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Thank you thank you thank you. I am finally there now. True freedom here I come. I have a therapist now as well and she will also be my support. This article has been so invaluable to me. Sometimes you feel something yourself but can’t quite put your finger on it and then you read something like this that makes it so clear. Reply

Autumn

18.08.2015 @ 12:57 am

I am so thankful to find this site. It has given me so much insight to what I have been trying to understand for so long. I will keep reading, hopefully be able to make my break with a narcissist that has had me “fooled” for over 10 years. I should know better, but this has been a completely different situation to be in than those in the past. I can figure out an alcoholic and a drug addict but this blindsided me completely! Reply

Karen

18.08.2015 @ 12:31 am

I am 3 years into a Divorce with a man I spent 30 years of my life with but I finally found the strength to leave. He lies and manipulates. My son is in the military and has been brainwashed..doesn’t speak with me because of the lies his Dad tells him about me. My heart is broken because I tried to take the high road and not speak my truth…he is getting married in 3 months and He probably won’ t invite me. His Dad is dragging out the divorce because he doesn’t Want to give me anything…but my son thinks it’s me dragging things out. I was the best wife and mother I knew how to be. Thinking I should just walk away with nothing but he will still say I took it all anyway. I’m 53 years old and starting over..I need to think my son will eventually see the truth but I’m not sure.Devastating.. Reply

Eileen W

17.08.2015 @ 9:45 pm

Fab article. I really love this… “If you tell someone no and they continue, that’s incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest is in their own needs – not yours.” Oddly enough, I was thinking about this very same thing when out walking today. Real, genuine friends don’t try and manipulate you into doing something with, or for, them when you tell them that you can’t do whatever it is that they want. I was thinking of narc friends and boyfriends who would say things like “Oh, you can do that another time” or the guilt inducing “Well, you would come with me if you really wanted to” when I told them that I need to go and do something


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instead of being with them, or “Oh, they’ll understand if you don’t go” when I’ve previously arranged to see someone else or I had an appointment. Genuine people just say something like “That’s okay. Perhaps we can do it another time”, and give you the space to go and see to your own stuff. Reply

Still Recovering

17.08.2015 @ 6:58 pm

Great post. Yes, the repeated attempts to win you over continue–until the N realizes that you are a highly diminished supply and start to seek out other more lucrative supply. That’s when you finally stop hearing from them, but they will still occasionally dial your number in error. Don’t answer. They are temporarily experiencing a lull with their current supply and throwing a hook to see if you’ll take it. I call myself still recovering because I don’t know if I’ll ever fully recover. I do know that I will continue no contact as this is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Needless to say, when I receive a call based on the N dialing a wrong number I simply don’t respond. I know exactly what they are looking for and they won’t get it from me–been down that road. Reply

17.08.2015 @ 6:18 pm

alisa

How do you distinguish between what is written in this article versus two people wanting to re connect and re establish a relationship in a positive and healthy way? Reply

Free at last

17.08.2015 @ 8:29 pm

Well, if he abused you, he will certainly do it again. Oh, you can tell yourself that you will prevent it this time, that you are now healthy, but that is the way you wish things were. This is the way things are. Don’t go there. You tried it once and it did not work. Keep working on your own health and strength and look elsewhere. You know what this one is, and you didn’t like it. Leave it and go fish somewhere else. This is spoken to me as well as to you.

Eileen W

17.08.2015 @ 9:56 pm

Hi Alisha. " As Free at Last said, it he abused you before then he’ll do it again. In fact, it will be easier for him to abuse you again because if you go back then it tells him that you’re willing to put up with it. I think what you said about a healthy, positive coming back together is a great clue for a good relationship, Alisha. If the relationship was healthy and positive and


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you both made a mistake by splitting up, then go for it. But, if he made you miserable and being in love with him really hurt, then you know that the relationship never was and never will be a positive, healthy one.

StrongerToday

18.08.2015 @ 7:43 pm

My therapist observed that I had been hoping and waiting for him to change. She had to drill into my head that things were NEVER going to be different. Oh I might feel a difference for a while; but it would never truly be different. Any change would be temporary and only long enough to suck you back in. This is not imaginary. it is no joke. It is very real and very devastating. You deserve more. I told my therapist I knew I deserve better but I had a fear I would never have anything better. He did a good job of implanting that in my brain and due to me not working on my self esteem I was very ripe for that implantation.

alisa

17.08.2015 @ 6:15 pm

How do you know if a person genuinely wants to re connect in a positive and healthy way versus trying to manipulate you? All re connections start somewhere. Just like all friends where at one point strangers. I am confused. Reply

Jennifer

17.08.2015 @ 5:32 pm

Omg! God is so good! I got convicted a few days,ago that basically I need to let this man go… all the,way! No contact! I need to put trust in God and not in man. See my ex narcissist was my first ever and I never knew such a thing existed! He accomplished so much with me in such a short period of time. Everything with me to him was a challenge.. He manipulated me so good that I quit my job bc he wanted to take care of me, I moved in bc he wanted me always. Little did I know I was being sent to prison! He changed, he knew he had me. The sweet gestures stopped, he would go MIA for hours at a time eventually days. He always had a great story and in the process I lost myself. I received Fb messages from women who claimed they were with my man. I never said anything to him bc I started planning my escape. I used his very tactics against him. Oh he didn’t like it once he caught on. My family hated him. They say your so lost I see a dark cloud around you every time I see you. I didn’t want that! That’s horrible! I’m a bubbly, extrovert, blue personality! I just became depressed. I finally had a few chances to leave. But I always came back. He never fought for me either. I came back bc of that ugly sickening I can’t live without him, I will always be alone… pain in the stomach! So pathetic! He knew it too….he even said. “I will be here when your ready to come home baby. You ain’t going anywhere!” Ugh!!!! I hated him! I hated myself more!


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Finally the last straw was Wed night after this past easter Sunday. I was sick with fever and he was nowhere to be found. I was eventually at 102 and I couldn’t focus. I called n called n texted and he ignores me. Saying I’m at a business meeting. Aka drinking with his friends at kona grill. With another female too. He said go to sleep, your being dramatic. Hung up. I cried and wished I fell asleep and never woke up! But before that I pleaded to Christ, please I will walk out this time lord give me strength, heal me! I woke up next morning to my man just getting home at 7 am. But here’s the best part, I woke up 100% healed!!!! I started packing and loading up and my man just was like… “ok so what time you be home? by dinner?” I ignored him and said not one word while packing the whole two hours! Left and never came back. My heart broke and I finally broke down when I really had nowhere to go. I lived on couches and in my car for almost a month. He finally realized I was serious and retaliated! It was horrible! Then after everything just about a month ago. After about a month of silence he decided to play pity card. I believed and said we could be friends. I gave my life to Christ and it gave me a forgiving heart towards him. But I fell hard and was manipulated again! For one night I slept with him. He took it as we,are back together. I was so ashamed. Told him I made a,mistake. He was ok bc he got what he wanted. I since went no contact , plus I heard he found a new victim. So I was like awesome! Someone else’s problem! I will pray for that woman! Then just last night I see he called at 2:45 am and left 3 text messages. He got upset that his calls went straight to VM. Bc I gave him on block. But I can still see he called. And I checked my spam messages sure enough. Hey jenny you up? ! at 2:12am, then at 2:46 am , ” oh yeah, that’s nice..really…. Sorry..night.” Then 3 am.. he said, ” Well if you still need that $$$ call me manana after noonish ok. Hope you’re doing well… ” lmfao!! He knows I’m hurting for cash since I left him. Trying to get back on track. Always using let me give you some money , take care of you. Jerk!!! Ugh. I almost considered responding! Saying no I’m good! But right then I got an email notification for something and then I looked at my other emails and saw this article!!!! Saved by the bell!!!!!! Thank you for sharing! You saved me once again!! Dammm narcissist’s! Lol Reply

Cinna

17.08.2015 @ 3:20 pm

I have experienced everything in this article too. Whenever I busted him he would do this weird version of cow towing to me rather than acting like an adult. Then do the pity play. Then when the “coast was clear” he would be right back in business with his extra activities. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am distant toward him now as I make my plans to leave. He pouts a bit but mostly does not even notice so he is definitely getting his narc supply out there with multiple multiple women. Yuck. Thank goodness for Web sites like these to help me think straight.


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Reply

Yvonne

17.08.2015 @ 2:36 pm

I have noticed with my narcissistic boyfriend over the weekend that he never apologized for him being a jerk. He’s just majorally kissing my butt being all sweet and lovey cuz another guy congratulated him on being with a pretty girl like me. I got yelled at for this guy complimenting me and him and he did it with his parents right there. How us this my fault?! I didn’t tell him to do that. It was flattering but he got real possessive and said we mise well just break up right now cuz this is messed up. I said ok and walk away from him but he got to thinking and realized he was over reacting but never said he was sorry. Just said do you love me and can we stop fighting. I don’t think he will ever let me leave. I’m the best he will ever have standing next to his side. I thought maybe his charm will work on some other girl and ur can be her problem but I can’t seem to just say goodbye without a motive or excuse. He munipulates everything and is a major control freak. Isolated me from my friends and family and makes me feel like I’m lost without him. I feel sorry for him and that’s my biggest weakness. Reply

Jojo75

17.08.2015 @ 2:11 pm

My ex narc tried everything under the sun including everything you just named in this article. What a joke!! I was wise to his ways, I had ended the relationship and went No Contact. Needless to say he freaked out. I knew he wanted to end the relationship on HIS terms, not mine. He then started stalking me and threatening me. But I stayed NC. I slapped him with a Stalking Injunction and he was forced to leave me alone or face jail time. It saved my life and it was the best thing I could have done. He was determined to ruin my life for leaving him. I would recommend it to anyone who is faced with an Ex Narc who won’t leave you alone and who is going to great lengths to get revenge, get you to come back, etc. Reply

ortensia

17.08.2015 @ 1:55 pm

hi Savannah, how can you be so sure the Narc will come back even for their own interest?I’m over a year of no contact and never heard from him who he’s stil with new official girlfriend… thank you for your wonderful blog Reply

Savannah Grey

17.08.2015 @ 1:59 pm

Ortensia – if your Narcissist has gone and left you


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alone consider yourself lucky. They don’t all come back, but the possibility is there that they might.

Lola

18.08.2015 @ 12:48 am

Mine just discarded me for new supply overnight. To my knowledge, still with her, too. Will likely never hear from him again. No spaghetti for me, I guess. Too many carbs.

Savannah Grey

18.08.2015 @ 1:05 am

Lola I’ve had some that wouldn’t go away and my longterm narc I never heard from again. It’s way better when it happens that way.

Beginnersmind

17.08.2015 @ 1:28 pm

Wow, great stuff! You have some really wonderful insights! Reply

Ashleigh

17.08.2015 @ 12:46 pm

I have a group meeting where, my ex narcissist, will definitely be attending. He will also have one of the new women he’s dating. How do I deal with it? I have to go to this thing, and I’m not sure what to do… Reply

Free at last

17.08.2015 @ 12:20 pm

Oh, yeah. Absolutely so true that I broke out laughing, but it is also dead serious because that is exactly how it works and I can see how it will end if I bite–right back to the way things were. And, yikes. Thanks for the reminder and the warning. Reply

17.08.2015 @ 11:51 am

jaz

That’s exactly what he does.. he won’t let me go. He doesn’t want to be here, it just looks good on his resume of bull shit I’ve been looking this subject up all weekend and here it is. Thanks Reply


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Narc Magnet

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17.08.2015 @ 11:40 am

I was married to a Narcissist for 12 years and finally made the break and started divorce proceedings early last year. My husband is playing games with the divorce settlement, but I am removed from him and his antics and have lawyers dealing with the settlement. We have been separated since 2012 so I am well removed emotionally and last year August bumped into my childhood sweetheart from 30 years back. We clicked immediately and tried to have a long distance relationship, which expedited emotions and feelings, but for the past few months I have felt that he manipulates me, got me to rely on him and realised I have fallen into the trap of yet another Narcissist. I have now also come to realise that these two men have not been my only two Narcissistic relationships. What is wrong with me to be attracted to these men? Reply

17.08.2015 @ 11:28 am

Free

My ex contacted me on Friday. Almost a year to the day of him leaving me, again, for a another woman and after 9 months of no contact. He called me private number at work asking if I had called him the day prior (it was his birthday). Of course I hadn’t and though I had remembered it was his birthday I didn’t let him know that. His response was well you have definitely forgotten about me then. He also used some of the tricks Sav has mentioned in this blog, his kids still ask about me, bringing up things we used to do together and even actually saying he has a lot to be sorry for even though he now lives with the woman he left me for. I love that he keeps reinforcing to me exactly who he is. Thankfully It didn’t ignite any feelings for him. In a sick and twisted way I actually reveled in it a little bit, which is silly as it’s not me he misses its just the supply. That man bought me to the darkest place I have ever been and I have to remember that. Unfortunately he also told me that he has a job about 10 minutes from where I work. I’m playing with fire, if he contacts me again I will have to hang up immediately I can’t take any chances of getting sucked back in. Reply

Onward & Upward

20.08.2015 @ 2:38 am

I had blocked my ExN’s phone # but not email. It’s been a few months of nc & I ignored a call from an unknown number this week. Then I received an email from him asking if I tried to call him. I replied, no I hadn’t. Then promptly got messages from a few of his harem asking me if I tried calling him b/c he claimed I


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had. I learned the unknown call was him trying to contact me w/ his new #. Just re-confirmed the importance of nc. His world is chaos & it permeates anyone close to him. I just want to be left alone & not bothered by him or anyone connected to him. I’ve not only had to block him, but his harem as well b/c of the lies he tells others.

I Can Do This

17.08.2015 @ 11:11 am

Wow, reading these examples of texts is like reading my own phone periodically. I’ve stumbled since June with the no contact rule; connecting with him twice since and listening to more lies. Even though I know he lies, and tell him so during those meetings, I still feel attached. I’m making better efforts, doing more things to move forward in my own life and take care of my own needs. I still can’t believe when I read things like this article how it reinforces all that has gone on as a narcissistic attack. Getting stronger and tremendously thankful for this site and its’ wisdom! Reply

Justme

17.08.2015 @ 9:33 am

This is so true, I’m going through this now, he is relentless! I went 100% NC last year for 8 months, then let him back in this year, sure he was ok to begin with then the mask slipped a couple of times, then it slipped again and I hated the feelings I had when this happened. He is e-mailing me now saying ‘I miss my babe’ Stupid me replied…so thank you for this reminder, came just at the right time " Reply

Shoshanna

17.08.2015 @ 7:16 am

I have gone absolute no contact with my ex narcissistic, cutting out their supply after abuse via Facebook private messages and in public. I haven’t responded to them. There are now vile allegations being bandied around and people dear to me are involved. I am now seeking legal advice. And I wish that I had never met this horrible excuse for a human being. Reply

K

17.08.2015 @ 7:11 am

Another fantastic post Savannah and again related to my situation. I’m no contact all the way now and feel stronger than ever. Unfortunately I did get sucked back in and my defences were weakened but it just proved to me that these people never change and all they care about is themselves.


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Well it’s time to bring the focus back to me now, my happiness comes first.. I choose me!! Reply

nar's sister

06.09.2015 @ 9:57 am

My brother is a huge narcissist. It took my family and I a long time to figure out that’s what the deal was with him. AS my mother says, he’s very good at convincing you he’s right about someone or a situation. My problem is that although I have given up on having a relationship with him at all, my Dad has not. He is always invited to family gatherings in hopes that he will “come around”. It’s difficult for my Dad to believe that his son is a narcissist. My brother stopped talking to me 10 years ago. Then suddenly, at a family gathering, he started to acknowledge me, giving me a big hug. If I tried to talk to him he would belittle me or glare, though. Then I’d get another big hug when he left. I was confused, hurt, angry. Dad couldn’t figure it out (why I was so upset, why my brother was being mean). Dad is a little out of touch. Finally I read some books about narcissistic personality and realized that THIS is the problem with my brother! My mom finally agreed with me that this is exactly his personality. That’s not a diagnosis, but getting an NP to see he IS and NP is tantamount to admitting there is a problem with him, which ain’t gonna happen. He eventually did get counseling. He asked my mom to join him in a session. The counselor, instead of facilitating the discussion took part in saying that every problem of my brother’s was my mom’s fault. She is a social worker, very familiar with family counseling. She realized that the counselor had been charmed and might have even been having an affair with my brother! This is speculation, but it seems clear that their relationship is a little beyond professional. I still have to see my brother sometimes, at family gatherings, but I ignore him completely. He likes to glare at me from across the room while draping himself over his latest girlfriend. Usually they glare at me too, thinking I am this awful person. I always want to hand them a card and say, “When you’re ready to get help, go to this website”.

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