Mini Action Guide to Emotional Intelligence for Directories

The Mini Action Guide to Emotional Intelligence 6 proven ways emotional intelligence will improve your health, bank balance and relationships relat ionships TODA TODAY Y

By David Hawkins

Introduction to Emotional Intelligence

What you will learn in this book... Contents Chapter1. Influence Your Your Mind: The Foundations of Emotional Intelligence..................................... ..................................... 8 Chapter3. Me & Myself: How to Handle Your Emotions When You’re Under Stress ...................... 17 Chapter4. Tricks of the Trade: Simple Tricks That Will Give You E.I Now ..................................... 26 Chapter7. Gimme, Now: Powerful Ideas to Leverage Your Your E.I...................... E. I............................................ ................................... ............. 29 Chapter10. Do you feel successful? The Secret to High Performance ..................................... .............................................. ......... 32 Chapter17. The ‘Ignition’ System – My Philosophy ........................................................ ......................................................................... ................. 42

**THIS EBOOK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMOTIONALI.COM --- To To sign up for more information in formation visit www.emotionali.com

Copyright © 2010 – www.emotionali.com – All Rights Reserved

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“A wise woman who was travelling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveller who was hungry, and the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveller saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. The traveller left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.

But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

‘I've been thinking,’ he said. ‘I know how valuable this stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me what you have within you that enabled you to give me this stone.’

Sometimes it's not the wealth you have, but what's inside you that others need.”

Anonymous


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

Foreword

Becoming emotionally intelligent is the most organic and healthy way to maintain a healthy mind. It saves you time and money and ensures successful relationships. But enough of that...

Books on emotional intelligence are gaining in popularity but they all share one trait: They’re interesting but not actionable! I have written this action guide to set things

straight, and so I have leaned heavily on making each step of the way as actionable for you as possible.

In this mini eBook I’m going to give you 6 chapters from my popular eBook, The Action Guide to Emotional Intelligence . With this snippet

you’ll be able to bring emotional intelligence into your life today.

I hope you enjoy this book as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

Best regards, David Hawkins – www.emotionali.com

The Basics:  EQ – Emotional Quotient (Emotional Intelligence)  IQ – Intelligence Quotient (Mental Intelligence)  E.I – Emotional Intelligence


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Welcome

“To “To get the most out of this eBook I suggest you print it off and find a comfortable place to sit where you won’t be interrupted -- even better, better, find a highlighter to use.”

With the information overload on the internet now, I want to thank you for taking the time to download this eBook. And with that, I’d rather not waste your time.

“In developed countries today, people rarely find life physically hard, they find life mentally hard -- it needn’t be so hard”

I’m going to jump straight into it without introducing myself as I’ve weaved my own story throughout this book. In this day and age of the internet, time is a limited resource. People are most concerned with whether you can deliver the results NOW, and not whether you have the pre-requisite credentials of a Harvard degree and royal blood -- because I don’t have that.

What I do have is a guarantee you’ll get something out of this book that will change the way you live your life in more than at least one positive way. On the strength of that statement I’ve set up a comments page for discussion on this eBook. Maybe there is something you don’t agree with, or a point you need clarifying -- you can write the details there.


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On the subject of criticism – I almost relish in it, how else do we improve on what

we have? Just one request though, please make it constructive criticism. We don't want problems, we want solutions!

So what is E.I?

To start off, we’ll briefly dive into the recent history books to find when the term first came about. The term ‘emotional intelligence’ was coined in 1990 by two men, Salovey and Mayer. They described emotional intelligence as the following: “A form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’ss own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate one’ between them and to use this information to guide one’ o ne’ss thinking and action.”

-- This basically means an ability to handle your feelings.

I suspect you hadn’t heard of Salovey and Mayer before now. The reason being, they were upstaged by the psychologist/author Daniel Goleman. His book, Emotional Intelligence , was released in 1995 and went on to become a bestseller. If you haven’t read his book and this is an area of interest to you, it’s a must read.

Even though the term was coined very recently, the idea of E.I has been percolating through cultures for eons. Whether it was through philosophers or religions, particularly Buddhism, E.I is not a new idea. It just took some bright minds to tag it with a name.

The system I use (which you’ll see in the last chapter) is not a traditional ‘how to’ method, nor does it have a time frame. This system was developed to be internalized Copyright © 2010 – www.emotionali.com – All Rights Reserved

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over time. (You’ll see ways of doing this throughout the book).

While many of the strategies in this eBook can be put into action with immediate results, to get the most from this eBook you should begin to make some of the

principals explored simply part of whom you are.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm”

-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Throughout the book you’ll see exercises you can do to identify and develop your E.I and to radically improve the output of your life. Of course, the exercises are optional but I urge you to try them all. Some exercises may force you out of your comfort zone BUT they only serve to expand you emotional capacity.

It leaves me to say, I hope you enjoy this taster eBook for emotional intelligence!


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Chapter1. Chapter 1. Influenc Influencee Your Your Mind: The Foundations of Emotional Intelligence

Simply put, there are two ways the human mind learns, and this also forms the foundation for how I believe E.I can be taught effectively.

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The Logos/Pathos Law

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Logos (Define – A style in pure logic and reason.)

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I will refer to logos now as ‘repetition’ because this is the sense s ense I use it in.

The method of teaching through repetition−

An easy, logical method.

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Ineffective (unless there are high levels of commitment.)

−

The method we have most conscious control over – however, we still need to develop habits over time. This is why it's ineffective and time consuming.

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Influences 10% of your mind. (This will make more sense when you have read the next chapter)

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Pathos (Define - A style that has the power to evoke feelings)

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The English language has over 5000 words for emotion – I’ll stick with pathos here because it represents emotion in general.

The method of teaching through pathos −

An unexpected experience. I.e. the death of a loved one, a shock.

−

An experience that you can relate to personally. I.e. your Favourite movie,


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news of a school shooting that taps into the core of human emotions -- it doesn’t matter how far away from your home it happens. −

An unfamiliar experience to your brain. I.e. this can be as (consciously) subtle as an experience you simply haven't had before. Do you have one of these? “I remember the first time I 'fill in the blank'.”

−

Influences 90% of your brain. (This will make more sense when you have read the next chapter)

Note: This form of learning is difficult to fabricate. But all good teachers know that this is when students learn AND REMEMBER. Anthony Robbins, the motivational speaker, speaker, uses a very effective technique of shocking shocking people out of their thought patterns. This approach is used to cure people of their phobias -such as of spiders and snakes.

E.I brings balance to faster learning

LOGOS

PATHOS

Potential Influence (unbalanced)

LOGOS

PATHOS

Emotional Intelligence (balanced)


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Repetition is the method of learning we use in schools. Would you say schools are super effective in teaching? I think not. It is most effective for students who WANT to learn but is grossly inadequate, I believe, for all other students.

This approach to teaching has become archaic in my opinion. But the problem we have is that the Pathos system which I present may not work in a classroom of 30. Much better is 1 on 1with teacher and student but it clearly isn’t an option these days. (Incidentally, I still think if this approach was refined, it would be more effective than repetition. And school wouldn't be so boring...)

Thankfully, the system we use at Emotionali is based on 1 on 1, so that 'can of worms' is avoided.

Now you know how habits are formed I want to take you through a simple idea into the underlying workings of the mind. Here, you’ll find out why pathos is a much better system than repetition from the brains perspective.

2)

The 90/10 Law

Throughout the rest of this book you’ll come across the term ‘90/10’ in various contexts quite a lot. I’ll outline what it means here.

90% 10%


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“One is the pushing, slam-bang, act first and think-afterwards mode, to which events may yield as they give way to any strong force.[90%] The other mode is wary, observant, sensitive to slight hints and intimations; perhaps intriguing, timid in public and ruthless in concealed action...[10%]” -- Experience and Nature, John Dewey, philosopher

At any one time your conscious mind is processing 7 independent tasks. These tasks will be what you are experiencing at any particular time, whether it be playing chess, riding a bike, or flying a kite. However, your performance in all of these activities would be embarrassingly bad was it not for your unconscious mind...

This brings us to the big guns. Your unconscious mind is processing an astonishing 20,000 independent tasks every second, of every day – see it’s not only women who can multitask (!).

For the sake of easy understanding, these numbers can be translated into the ratio –

90 (20,000) and 10 (7)

he exact percentage values don’t don’t withstand Note: T he scrutiny of course, but then again, this is the human brain br ain we’re talking about – the most complex piece of matter in our universe.


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-

But there’s a catch

We only have conscious control over 10% of our brains. 90% is locked away out of our immediate reach. However, through becoming emotionally intelligent we can use our 10% to condition that 90%, and develop more control over our minds and

our bodies -- and that’s what I’m here to explain. I will show you how you can use your 10% to leverage the power of your 90%

So why is this important to know? Because with this understanding you can condition yourself to be much more efficient in every part of your life. What’s more, once you have developed the habits, you don’t even need to think about performing well. Did you ever notice how efficient people are always efficient? That’s because much of what we do is the result of programmed habits.

Does this make sense so far? Now numbers alone, in this context, have no meaning for the lay person. So I have translated the numbers into meaningful words that represent the 90/10 ratio.

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90% explained - So what is the 90% really all about?


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90% (unconscious, potential, emotional mind, E.Q, right brain, autopilot). The Five Factors of the 90%:

1. Habits – The culmination of life experience. 2. Instincts – to ensure the success of a race. 3. Impulses – Emotional urges for action, most often sparked by the environment. 4. Hormones – These are more influential in women than in men. It's why women become infuriated with men who are 'too laid back' – myself included. 5. Memes – Memes represent the spread of ideas, symbols or practices, which are influenced upon people from other people through mediums that can be copied -- such as writing, speech, gestures and rituals.

“These all affect your emotions which then affect your decision making”

So how exactly do we tap into this powerful resource?

We leverage the unconscious mind by utilising the factors that represent the unconscious mind. Namely, the one that is within reach, habits. Fortunately, habits just so happen to be the defining characteristic that determines what we do in this world, so if you gain control of these, you become the master of your destiny.

“Wee are what we repeatedly do. “W d o. Excellence , then, is not an act , , but a habit .” .”

- Aristotle


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You have already made the right decision by starting in the best possible place – this book. But if you don’t understand a lot of the science, don’t worry, you don’t need to understand it. The science just explains the background of how I work. -

10% explained - So how does the 10% work, and what are the results of it?

10% (conscious, window of influence, logical mind, I.Q, left brain) •

The incredible power we yield over ourselves to condition the 90% and that also separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. We program ourselves through what we experience -- all this information forms in the 90% so we can effectively survive in our environment. This is why we become more comfortable and familiar overtime in one place and why it’s difficult emotionally to (re)settle in an entirely different culture/country.

•

Underused potential

What you are thinking about now (the reading of this book) represents one of your 7 conscious processes. Your attention may waver and, for example, you’ll recall that phone call you were meant to make, or remember that you need to get some milk; these examples make up your 7 conscious processes.


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This is an appropriate time to detail the subconscious. I don’t really explore this feature of our mind as it’s not very important for E.I but to cover it briefly I’ll use the examples above once more.

Remember that phone call you were meant to make and the milk you needed to buy? Where does that information to your mind come from, where is the ‘message’ before the moment you become aware of it? Your subconscious.

“Much like a submarine lies in wait before it surfaces for refuelling; the subconscious lies in wait before it is called upon.”

To take this analogy further, your unconscious would be the dark depths of the ocean where there’s no visibility (no awareness). Further, emotional intelligence would be the radar – the method we use to make sense of what we can’t see.

ACTION STEPS... Think about when you have learnt, and most importantly remembered. Was it through repetition or pathos? How long did it take to learn?

Think about the actions you take that you don’t consciously think about. Does it bother you sometimes the way you’ll do something WITHOUT thinking?

Are you good at multi tasking? Did you know that when we multi task we are actually using different areas of our brain. We’re not actually multi tasking by our general definition.


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Can you grasp the idea of 90/10, and can you see how we can influence our 90% over time?


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Chapter3. Me & Myself: How to Handle H andle Your Your Emotions Emotion s When You’re You’re Under Stress

E.I is clearly needed most when we are losing control of our emotions -- when we are upset, angry, confused or have any other strong feelings. This is when it's most important. Questioning our instincts for action is a feature that separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom, but unfortunately, when the atmosphere heats up, many people lose that god given humanity and just become plain animals.

The most vivid demonstration in how our emotions can change was played out in Robert Louis Stevenson’s Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde . “Man is not truly one, but truly two,” he said, and it demonstrates that we humans DO change fundamentally in the heat of passion.

Science has proven that our judgements change profoundly between being in a relaxed state and feeling highly emotional. In normal circumstances the brain’s area of reason (frontal lobes of the brain) performs perfectly fine, but when we feel distressed our emotions (limbic centre of the brain) take control. Anyone can be ‘pushed to the limits’, but it’s up to you to decide what those limits are, and how you deal with them. It is my interest to help you stay in control.

Let’s say, for example, most people have a fair level of E.I when they are relaxed and comfortable. This is how society runs smoothly, when people are 'in control'. This is the 90/10 ratio. People have a natural level of control to moderate their feelings.

I'm sure that every day you have a thought or two that, if shared, wouldn't be in the best interests of social harmony. Anything come to mind?


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 “I think you’re an idiot”  “How dare you say that”

Even relatively harmless thoughts like:  “What did he mean by that?”  “Does she like me?”

-- Have you seen What Women Want with Mel Gibson? If not, I urge you to watch it. It paints a good picture of how society would be if we couldn't contain our thoughts, seen through the eyes of one man

Now imagine if everyone in society was angry, upset and confused all the time. (Ironically this probably isn't too far from modern day life but stay with me on this.) Instead of being 90/10 it would be, let’s say 95/5. The balance is tipped and we begin to say things we shouldn't, we begin to make mistakes inadvertently. Oftentimes, the mistakes you make have been made time and again in the past. These are habits, or


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more specifically the phenomenon of imprinting.

Imprinting is a term that was coined by the naturalist, Konrad Lorenz. Before the term had come about, Lorenz conducted an experiment using goslings. He knew that newborn goslings became attached to the first living creature that saw. Invariably this is Mother Goose, but on one occasion Lorenz placed himself on the frontline, and of course, he then had several ardent followers in pursuit of him with an imprint of his face on their eyelids.

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In 90/10 mode you're consciously aware of the reality -- how nature intended it. You 'catch' yourself before you make a silly mistake. In a word, you're proactive. But when you're in 95/5 mode (angry, confused, distressed...) your consciousness has lost its natural leverage, and those silly habits come flooding back with a vengeance. You're now in 'autopilot' mode, fighting for control in a plane that’s heading for a crash landing. The more you try, the more you fail. There's only one thing that will pull it back up. James Bond - no. E.I - yes.  “Why did I do that?”  “Sorry, I'm not with it today”

“It's one thing learning to steer a manual boat on a lake, but quite another on rough seas.” So this is where E.I can be very powerful. Most of us have at least one point during the day when we are hyped up and stressed about something. If you could just 'observe' yourself, as if from the third person, during these times, and question how you’re feeling, imagine the difference in outcome of every stressful decision you make – especially in terms of health, relationships and money.


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Take this idea. Have you ever noticed that it's easier to remedy others' problems as opposed to your own? The reason for this is that when dealing with your problems you’ve got a spaghetti junction of emotions to cope with. When observing someone else’s problem from 'outside the fish bowl' you’re basing your judgement on logic and empathy which isn’t as overwhelming. This is why it helps to talk to a friend. So when you know how to control your emotions and see yourself from the third person you are essentially dealing with 'someone else’s' problem. This is a long winded way of saying 'empathy' but it serves to break down quite an advanced aspect of social intelligence, empathy, into small steps.

Does this make sense? All of us experience upset, anger and confusion, but it’s our ability to scrape, heave and struggle out of these negative mindsets.

The following example is a very objective way of understanding the mind but it serves as the general idea:

90/10 – Healthy.  This is the frame of mind successful people STAY in MOST OF THE TIME. If

they fall, they jump back up to 90/10.  Optimism  With E.I people can maintain this state  We have the power to question our instincts, habits and hormones

91/9 – Quite normal


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92/8 – Just woke up 93/ 7 – “That wasn't there before” 94/6 – “Get it together” 95/5 – “Not another mistake...”  People with depression.  People who are lazy.  People who are bored.  People who are afraid.  Even people with a HIGH I.Q.  We can use neutral state to gain composure back ( neutral state is explained

later).  We have less control over our bodies and act more on instinct, habit and

hormones.

This abstract idea serves to illustrate the importance of controlling your emotions. You'll find that successful people handle the environment when the going gets tough. This is innately within all of us, it can be conditioned. What's important here is that we ALL reside in each of these moods sometimes -- it’s only human. What sets you apart is which one you CHOOSE to reside in most of the time.

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Laziness

These are people who generally exemplify an air of “whatever”. They may even tell you “it’s not their problem” on several occasions. These people will be losing control, aware they are losing control, but be completely careless about it. After all, it’s not their problem is it?

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Boredom Story: I’m going in


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When I was younger I worked in a food store known as Sainsbury’s. I was hired to put stock out on the shelves. Now, I knew it wasn’t going to rock my socks off so I reassured myself it would only be temporary. The first few weeks weren’t so bad; I had company doing the same work as me, so we dispelled the pain of boredom by talking. That was, until a manager with a confident ‘hollow’ air of authority came and infringed his no conversation rule upon us – he separated us. When ignoring customers had worn thin, I decided to head in the only direction I could go – inside. I dove into my mind and thought wonderful thoughts. Personally I had a whale of a time, I would ponder a thought or two, and memorise it for later development. Unfortunately, the manager didn’t share my introspective enthusiasm, and would ask me how far I’d got with the work. I’m not sure how long he’d have to wait before he got a response out of me, but I’m sure he would always jot it down in his journal for VIP’s.

Oftentimes, if you’re not performing well, it could mean it’s just not challenging enough for you. Take a step back and think, “Could I approach this from another angle?” If you’re in a job, and you’re not in a position to get a new one, ask your manger for something more challenging. That initiative reaps you many benefits, even if it’s just a good reference.

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E.I Skills needed:

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Self Awareness

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Personal Decision-making

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Self Disclosure

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Communications


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-

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Insight

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Assertiveness

Fear Story: All is not what it seems

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Now imagine buying new furniture for your house. You place it inside, rearrange it until you're happy and then go about your daily life. Later that evening you're eating your dinner at your new table, pleasantly surprised at how comfy the new chairs are. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, an earthquake. It lasts only a moment but has shot the fear of God into you. You hear someone screaming outside. Spinning around in a daze you dive under your new table. Earthquake drills from your childhood make it instinctive. Your new table will protect you if anything. You feel for the remote on the table to switch on the TV. Maybe there's some coverage? Dead. The earthquake must have killed the electricity.

•

Want to know the tragic truth? It wasn’t an earthquake; it was your neighbour's son with his new subwoofer. The screaming was the father telling him to turn it down and the TV was accessible all along; all you had to do was plug it in.

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E.I Skills needed:

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Self Awareness

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Handling Stress

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Managing Feelings

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Assertiveness


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- Fear makes us cling to our ou r familiar ideas -

Fear makes us cling to our familiar ideas, all the while blocking out new experiences and having the environment inside our minds simmer.

It's new experience that re-affirms reality, and over time our minds have a nasty way of changing reality into a distorted picture of reality. If new insights into life are stonewalled we create our own deluded story, one that suits the décor inside.

Fearful people live in the shell of experience they are familiar with, or they think they know. Instead of taking in new information from the world around them they prefer to close the small window of opportunity (the 10%) and stay inside. It's unhealthy to sit in your own junk.

E.I begs you to question reality. You wouldn’t believe the influence it has over how you perceive the world.

Lacking the ability to question reality in this extreme example created havoc. Our character isolated herself. Her neighbours were there all along, the TV was there all along. She disconnected herself and she became a puppet to the world around here. We only make ourselves alone. We create our own suffering. “To “T o become a spectator of one's own life is to escape esca pe the suffering of life.” -- Oscar Wilde

We hate change but it's going to happen. Better to moderate it through giving it a


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place in your mind, rather than letting it gradually make the most of you.

ACTION STEPS... Have you ever made the distinction between your character when relaxed, and your character when stressed?

Do you see how observing yourself in the third person can help you handle emotions under stress?

Think about thoughts you’ve had about people that weren’t in the best interests of social harmony. What if those thoughts escaped? To truly have a healthy mind you shouldn’t have negative thoughts of others – thinking negatively about anything makes it your problem.

If you haven’t seen What Women Want, make it the next movie you watch!

Try to identify when you’re in 90/10 mode, and when you’re in 95/5 mode. You’ll know when you feel bored, tired or stressed, and feel yourself starting to lose control.

Can you see how fear makes us cling to familiar ideas?


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Chapter4. Chapter 4. Tricks Tricks of the Trade: Trade: Simple Tricks That Will Give Gi ve You You E.I E. I Now I’m going to explain two concepts that are invaluable to E.I. Through understanding these you will not only increase your productivity but develop a greater sense of wellbeing.

- Parkinson’s Law: “Parkinson’ss law states that a job expands to “Parkinson’ fill the time available to accomplish the task”

If you have two weeks to finish a 2000 word report, (providing all the information is in your head) what is the argument that having two days to finish the report will produce an inferior result?

There is no rational answer to having an extended period of time to finish the report. But crucially, having two weeks to finish it is less stressful, and this is the first message to zap our minds – on a basic level, its fear. And that’s why most people would opt for two weeks. (If we were rational creatures surely we would opt for two days and take it easy for the next 12 days...).

Parkinson’s Law is a perfect example of stage two in my system which I detail at end of the book.

So, Parkinson’s Law dictates that you would produce a better result after 2 days, rather than 14, because the information is fresher in your mind. If we can overcome instinctive decisions and understand we can ‘get 12 days off’, the benefits are clearly


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seen.

- Eustress: The word ‘distress’ is one that we are all familiar. So what is eustress? It’s the opposite of distress – its ‘good stress’. Is there such a thing?

Believe it or not, stress is good for us. It builds up our internal bar for appreciation, it forces growth, and it gives us a sense of achievement. In a nutshell, stress is imperative to happiness.

“Without the downs, you can’t truly appreciate the ups”

I always thought that some stress was good for us, and then I was fortunate enough to come across this term. To make it easy to understand I’ve written some real-world examples of eustress and distress below:

Eustress -- running a marathon and beating your personal record. Distress – having to perform a in a theatre production you don’t know the lines to

Eustress – stepping up to take a penalty kick in the World Cup final of football Distress – ...and missing

What distinguishes the two is how you feel after the stressful activity. In eustress you feel relief and happiness afterwards. In distress you are still suffering.

Does this make sense?


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ACTION STEPS... Can you see how Parkinson’s law would make you more effective and productive?

Can you see how an understanding of eustress would make you more effective and healthier?

Do you have a greater understand of what stress is now?

Do you think that in the future you can now identify whether stress is eustress or distress, and act accordingly?

Do you agree that by understanding these concepts you can increase your productivity NOW?

O.K, I’m going to break this up with the central philosophy of my system. It will make sense later...


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Chapter7. Gimme, Now: Powerful Ideas to Leverage Your E.I

So 90% of your mind is where you’ll find our instincts, hormones, habits and myriad other processes. These all conspire to affect your emotions, which then go on to affect your decisions.

This is a powerful idea I’m I ’m about to explain -

At birth, your emotions start off as a clean slate - perhaps leaning slightly towards good or bad. If they aren’t given direction as they grow, emotions become bullies to the body.

So what can you do if you haven’t been blessed with ‘good’ emotions? (The vast majority of us)It lies in that 10% that you have control over – or can at least choose to have control over. The 10% is like how a good teacher would influence a naughty child -- with encouragement, that bully grows into an ally.

Now how would you influence a bully? Are you going to let that child get away with murder?

“Become a teacher to your mind”


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Story - Honey, stay out the road - How not to do E.I My folks have a dear little dog called Honey, a female cocker spaniel that is the most obedient and beautiful dog I’ve known -- of course, I am biased. Unfortunately, she’s recently been losing her eye-sight, a genetic problem in aging spaniels, but when you call her from afar she’ll eventually find you, and sit at your feet with a big old pair of puppy eyes. My step mother, being retired, has got the gardening bug. She tends to the garden, front and back, rain come shine. People are always strolling past, complementing her on the front garden, and this no doubt encourages her to do more. So what is a little doggy to do when she’s lonely and no doubt bored inside the house - nothing to bark at, and no one to pester? Well, follow my step mum out of course. Now, the back garden is comfortably under siege, it doesn’t matter if next doors cat, Whiskers, is perched on the back fence, Honey can’t reach him – and with her eyes there’s more chance of her jumping into the pond than up the fence. So what of the front garden? The front garden is conspicuously absent of any boundaries – no walls, no fences, no gates, no bushes, no chain mesh, and not even a picket fence. One boundary, however, is very clear -- the road. When my step mum is suitability high on the beauty of her own garden, there sits little Honey to complete the picture of a 21

st

century Eden’s garden --

complete with rush hour traffic and all. And so with this road I gave my step mum a brief warning of Honey’s impending doom. It didn’t nudge her. A casual explanation didn’t nudge my step mum. Even a thorough detailing of how an animal’s instinct invariably comes before the green code didn’t nudge her. I’ve concluded, she is the only customer that I would outright reject at the door Copyright © 2010 – www.emotionali.com – All Rights Reserved

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to my information products on E.I. (And I don’t reject ANYONE) It would be like drawing blood from a stone, I’m sure of it. And so, I wait patiently for Whiskers the cat to evolve the intelligence to work out how to eradicate Honey -- by staring longingly at Honey from the other side of the road. At least then Whiskers could comfortably have a full crap in our garden.

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E.I Skills needed:

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Self Awareness

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Conflict Resolution

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Insight

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Empathy

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Assertiveness

ACTION STEPS... Do you understand the ‘bully’ analogy?

Do you understand that, like a human relationship, it takes time to make emotions work for you, not against you?

Do you accept that you’re never fully in control of your emotions but if you treat them right, they will become more obedient?

Do you understand how NOT to do E.I?


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Chapter10. Do you feel successful? The Secret to High Performance There’s a great ocean between thinking, and doing. Everyone’s got that golden invention that would tip the world upside down – millionaires overnight they’d be. But millions of people keep their ideas to themselves. Millions of opportunities live, and die in one mind.

But what comes of ‘feeling’ and doing. Is feeling and doing the same as thinking and doing?

They couldn’t be further apart...

“Trusting your gut instinct.”

When people ‘feel’ and do, it’s immediate. It’s not a thought, it’s just done. True achievement is when people continuously act/react on feeling, alone. They’ve practiced so much that the instructions don’t even need to become a thought – it’s instinct, it’s habit, and it’s like a God playing with mortals.

So why are people so full of broken aspirations and hollow dreams?

When we ‘think,’ we are translating feelings into thoughts. These feelings are messages from our instincts, our habits, our hormones, (the 90%) and even what we’re physically seeing. By the time we’ve stopped to think, our logical brain has already desperately started to rationalise these messages.


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During this process we get all the mixed messages. Now we have countless messages that your logical mind is trying to put some meaning to. Eventually we ‘rationalise’ the answer but by now it’s hopelessly corrupt.

We get the following -

•

What if...

•

But ...

•

I can’t do that...

•

I’m not ready... ready...

IMPORTANT IMPORTANT POINT PO INT

Our instincts, habits and hormones manifest themselves, if at all, in our conscious mind (10%) through feelings. When we act on feelings we are harnessing the raw power of the emotional mind. (90%) Star performance comes when you have put the conscious time into training, and have taught your unconscious mind all it needs to act upon. Through thinking you contaminate the message, and it results in limited performance.

When you have put your 10,000 hours ho urs into any one practice, whether that is playing the violin, or learning a martial art, true skill isn’t about conscious focus. It’s about living in the moment and just doing it.

3

“When you feel you get results”


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Elite performers Most people

Story: Ace!

As I write this book, a Tennis match has just this minute finished that will change the face of tennis; and no doubt the perceived stamina potential of humans. The previous record held for the longest game of tennis, if I’m getting my facts right, was 24 games to 26, which in itself was an incredible score when you consider the average game is a straight ‘first to six games wins.’

It’s Wimbledon 2010; American born John Isner is playing French born Nicolas Mahut. They’re up to 59 games all and still serving at 120 mph. The powers that be, however, have decided to call it a night. It’s getting dark. The next day the mutual resilience continues. Finally though, one relents. John Isner breaks away to win the game at a phenomenal 70 games to 68, after 11 hours 5 minutes of full throttle tennis. The match was stopped for the evening at 59 games all but it still stands to reason...

•

E.I Skills displayed:

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Self Awareness


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-

-

Communications

-

Handling Stress

-

Managing Feelings

-

Assertiveness

How did they go on for so long?

There are two explanations: 1. Both players were of an extremely close ability in performance. 2. Comparatively, they had very strong mentalities – this is where E.I plays a part.

These players, from the moment they stepped out onto the court were in ‘feeling’ mode, they would rely on all those years of training, the leveraging of the 90%, as the game progressed.

If these players had been thinking, they would have ‘thought’ they were tired and ‘rationally’ called it a night after say, 20 games. If they were ‘thinking’ it would have destroyed that natural focus. They were just feeling, and as a result of that, they would have continued to play until their bodies collapsed.

“A thoroughbred horse will run until its heart bursts and it dies on the spot. A man will go to thirty per cent of his capacity and a nd then he drops – but he is not dead by a long way. At this stage the mind must take over or force or fear takes over the mind to extract another thirty percent at least that is available.” -- Legionnaire - Legionnaire , by Simon Murray


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How can YOU become a star s tar performer?

“Every battle is won before it is ever fought” -- Sun Tzu

To put it simply, the single most important aspect is to

prepare -- simple as that.

Ask any fitness coach in the world, and they will tell you the most important part of your exercise routine is the warm-up.

If you don’t prepare, acting on feeling alone is suicide, you simply can’t leverage the power of your 90% because it doesn’t know anything. Just because you ‘ feel’, doesn’t mean you should. But the more prepared you are, the better position you are in to rely on your 90% when it takes control in stressful performing conditions.

“Numerous experiments have conclusively found that abilities to handle emotions are better indicators of future success, than I.Q levels”

We humans are hard wired to ‘know,’ or rather, think we ‘know’. Following, is a small section from a book called The Intelligent Investor . It’s a seminal work on stock investing by Benjamin Graham, a man who taught Warren Buffett a thing or two. Incidentally, it’s a book that reinforces emotional control over intellect, and if Warren Buffet endorses it, you know he was talking some sense.


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“It turns out that our brains are hard wired to get us into investing trouble; humans are pattern-seeking animals. Psychologists have shown that if you present people with a random sequence—and tell them that it’s it’s unpredictable—they will nevertheless insist on trying to guess what’s what’s coming next. Likewise, we “know” that the next roll of the dice will be a seven, that a baseball player is due for a base hit, that the next winning number in the Powerball lottery will definitely be 4-27-9-16-42-10—and that this hot little stock is the 4

next Microsoft.”

...Just remember this on your next holiday to Vegas, ok?

If, on the other hand, you have prepared, (and the line between being prepared and not prepared is hazy but read on) your chances of success are raised. Even if you fail, your mistakes will give you vital clues about the state of your 90%.

Just one mistake ‘in the field’ is is better than endless preparation. Why? Because preparation becomes repetition and a mistake becomes pathos.

Imagine a player who has natural talent. This player is using his 10% very efficiently; it just makes sense to him. Take a seasoned professional who is leveraging 90% and you begin to see a whole different game. 90% is not only more powerful, but it’s more consistent too, because it doesn’t rely on the ‘accident prone’ 10% (the conscious mind).


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ACTION STEPS... Do you understand the difference between thinking and doing, and feeling and doing?

Do you understand why people don’t achieve?

Do you understand that great performance is about relying on your 90%? Do you understand that when you feel, you get results?

Do you understand the importance of preparation?

Do you accept that we humans are wired to see what’s not there? (Dice patterns, the weather, you name it. Even ghosts!)


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BONUS: Irrationally rational

“There are wealthy gentlemen in England who drive four-horse passenger-coaches twenty or thirty miles on a daily line in the summer because the privilege costs them considerable money; but if they were offered wages for the service, that would turn it into work, and then they would resign.” -- Mark Twain, American author and humorist

At some point you will have to accept that we are irrational by nature. Simply put, every message that your brain receives (through the spinal cord at the rear) passes through your emotions (in the central area of the brain) before it gets to where your rational thinking takes place (at the front of your brain) – it’s impossible to make a judgement purely on logic. But this is where E.I comes in. Through conditioning we can use that 10% (the front) to make decisions based on an understanding of the emotions we experience. (Centre)

Making a purely rational decision is impossible, and it’s the awareness of your emotions that is the key to good decision-making.


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Recently, I finished reading a wonderful book called Predictably Irrational , by Dan Ariely. He gets you questioning why you make the decisions you do, and takes you through experiments to prove just how irrational we are – great read.

ACTION STEPS... Do you accept that many of your ‘rational’ decisions are actually irrational?

Do you understand that every decision you make has already been tainted by your emotions – affected by logically unrelated things (i.e. reminds you of a partner you once had)

Do you understand that making a purely rational decision is impossible, and it’s the awareness of your emotions that is the key to good decision- making


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BONUS: The Law of Momentum

Travel:

I can’t think of any better way to gain mental momentum, than travelling. An act that forces you to perceive the world from a different perspective, filling your mind with persistently new experiences, giving you the foundation to build more associations later in life – better learning capabilities. Even the exploration of completely new cultures is a re-birth in itself. A rich variety of landscapes results in a rich mind. mind. How can you not pick up mental momentum with so much inspiration? “How far you physically look ahead, translates to how far you mentally look ahead” Buy a notepad and a few pens, and travel. Whether it’s 10 miles, or 10,000 miles; whether it’s a week, or it’s a year, travel gives your mind the stimulation to organise itself.

“We need only travel enough to give our intellects an airing.” -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden , , , author and famous minimalist

ACTION STEPS... Do you understand the benefits of changing your scenery?

Do you accept that new experience makes you more courageous emotionally?


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Chapter17. The ‘Ignition’ System – My Philosophy You are about to learn the 3 three step process I use to create solutions to problems in health, relationships and money. With this system you can nurture your own E.I in your life.

 Step 1 - Fuel for Fire This means that you can’t expect to get any meaningful results without first putting something in – preparation. People expect money, they expect respect, and they expect change. But you can't expect a flame without first providing the fuel. This doesn't necessarily mean you have to work hard, this means you have to use your noddle -- your brain. It's amazing the results you can achieve if you simply know WHAT to do. The time and money saved is invaluable, and that is what this system is

for. Preparation guidelines are narrowed in scope to cater specifically for the problem at hand. (That could be depression, fear, anger, social skills and so forth.) There are, however, three main pillars that all guidelines stem from:

1)

Self Awareness/Assessment:

Identifying, expressing and managing feelings.

“One of the foundations of emotional competence – accurate self assessment – was associated with superior performance among several hundred managers from 12 different organizations. 11 (Boyatzis)”


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2)

Impulse Control:

Knowing the difference between feelings and actions, and learning to make better decisions by controlling the impulsive urge to act -- particularly by anticipating the consequences of your actions.

“Shall I have one sweet now and one only o nly,, or wait 5 minutes with nothing and then have two?”

3)

Communication:

Being able to read AND listen to emotional/social cues. Rising above negative influences by identifying your principals held and the reality of the situation. Understanding what behaviour is socially acceptable and empathising with other people's perspectives.

“Fail to prepare, prepare to fail”

 Step 2 - Burn your Bridges -- The removal of your willpower, which is a weakness.

This is where the real change begins...

So much opportunity in life is just a case of putting one foot in front of the other. It’s so easy when you put it like that isn’t it? But we have those clouds over us called emotions that obscure our view of the stars.


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Here’s Here’s a powerful idea...

If we were in control of someone else’s life, they’d all be presidents, professional athletes, rock stars and millionaires in no time. It would just be a case of saying, “I want to do this...”

To stay consistent with willpower is a big challenge, and it takes your every strength to hold your grip. Much more effective is removing it from the process completely.

You’re working with 100% instead of 10%

By burning bridges you gain control of ‘someone else’s life,’ you’re taking your emotions out of the equation and you have no choice but to succeed. By leveraged planning in advance, you remove the risk.

Story: What Happened? In 210 BC, a Chinese commander named Xiang Yu led his troops troops across the Yangtze River to attack the army ar my of the Qin dynasty. Pausing on the banks of the river for the night, his h is troops awakened in the morning to find, horrified, that their ships were burning. They hurried to their feet to fight off their attackers, but soon discovered that it was Xiang Yu himself who had set their ships on fire, and that he had also ordered ordered all the cooking pots to be crushed. Xiang Yu Yu explained to his troops that without the pots and the ships, they had no other choice but to fight their way to victory or perish – they won nine 12

consecutive battles.

E.I Skills needed:


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-

Self Awareness

-

Empathy

-


-

Insight

-

Managing Feelings

-

Assertiveness

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Group Dynamics

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Conflict Resolution

Through burning your bridges you leverage your environment which is out of your control, in place for willpower which is in your control but difficult to maintain. It’s my mission to help you turn those clouds into a starry night, and it’s also my mission to help you plan and make life changing decisions – one after the other.

This strategy may not be viable for every problem E.I can solve – not every problem calls for such severe action. But it is definitively the most efficient. Other methods I explore on the web-site may leverage willpower but you can be sure I will always use techniques you can use that heighten your chances of success.

 Step 3 - Burn Baby Burn

And then we reach our last step. You’ve done the preparation, you’ve done the legwork, but now you need to stitch up all that work so it doesn’t come undone.

−

Value driven - Where removing your willpower from the equation gives you


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greater leverage and faster results, living and being directed by deeply held principles is the best weapon against habits returning with a vengeance; and that is why it's the last point of the system. If the sacrifice of willpower is the furnace, your values are the temperature regulator. When the right actions are taken you can recognise the benefits early on, but emotional influence is always a work in progress and values will reinforce change.

“Lasting change requires sustained effort, you can leverage this through principals that you genuinely believe to be true.”

Note:

I may sound like a convicted arsonist but I assure you, there's a reason for using fire as an analogy:

Fire does not equal: •

Laziness – I.e. “I can't be bothered to escape my otherwise certain demise...” I


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don't think so. •

Tiredness – I'm sure a fire would snap you out of lethargy.

•

Anger – Anger only serves to waste time. You should be thinking about

solutions not problems. Shouting at the fire won't make it go away; I don't care what you say. •

Ambling through a park – As nice as it sounds, we have more important

engagements. Besides, in the future with a healthier mind you'll be able to enjoy it more.

ACTION STEPS... Does step 1 ‘Fuel for Fire’ make sense to you? Is there any way you can begin to action the ideas today?

Does step 2 ‘Burn Your Bridges’ make sense to you? Is there any way you can begin to action the ideas today? Does step 3 ‘Burn Baby Burn’ make sense to you? Is there any way you can begin to action the ideas today?


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- Final word Hi! I hope you gained something from this mini-guide to Emotional Intelligence. Of course is this book didn’t quite quench your thirst for information you can always buy the full version, which include much more valuable and interesting information. Just head over to www.emotionali.com

Bonus! You earn an electronic hug from me if you leave a comment/testimonial on my discussion page http://www.emotionali.com/?p=60 (Ok, so it’s not exactly a bonus but hey, with a community we can share the love! Ahem).

Talk soon, s oon,

Dave Hawkins

- Redefining what it means to be smart with emotional intelligence –

**THIS EBOOK WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMOTIONALI.COM --- To To sign up for more information in formation visit www.emotionali.com


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REFERENCES / N / NOTES : •

3 - THE 10,000 HOURS CONCEPT – GLADWELL , M. (2009), OUTLIERS , PENGUIN

•

4 - “Are You Wired for Wealth?” http://tiny.cc/9kahg - 24/06/10 7 - Business Case for E.I: http://tinyurl.com/39lply4 E.I: http://tinyurl.com/39lply4 - 25/06/10

•

10 - Business Case for E.I: http://tinyurl.com/39lply4 E.I: http://tinyurl.com/39lply4 - 27/06/10

•


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Mini Action Guide to Emotional Intelligence for Directories

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