Legendary Barney Stinson Quotes

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Legen... DARY Barny Stinson Quotes

1) “Lebanese girls are the new half -Asians“ 2) Barney: “Lesson one, lose the goatee, it doesn't d oesn't go with your suit.” Ted: “I'm not wearing a suit.” Barney: “Lesson two, get a suit. Suits are cool, exhibit exh ibit A. [points to his own suit] Lesson three, don't even think about getting married till you're thirty.” 3) “Dude.. where's your suit? Just once, when I say "suit up" I wish you'd put on a suit.” 4) Barne y: y: “Solid plan, my little friend.” Ted: “We're the same height” 5) “Ted, let's rap. Statistics: At every New York party there is always a girl who has no idea whose party she's at. She knows no one you know, and you will never see her again. Do you see... where I'm going... with this?” 6) “The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She'll never find her way back.” 7) “Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front f ront of airport sec urity. urity. Not cool.” 8) “Because you're my best friend, all right? You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see se e it, we're a team. Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno” 9) “We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's going to be legendary! Snowsuit up” Snowsuit up”

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10)

“Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," happiness ," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.” i t.”

11)

12)

“There are only two reasons to date a girl gi rl you've already dated: breast implants” “No, that was a big mistake, Ted, you should have done it in person. Desperate please-don't-leave-me sex is amazing amazing” ”

13) “What? Journalist? You're the little fluff -pieces -pieces at the end of the news. Old people, p eople, babies, monkeys, that's not journalism. That's just things in a diaper” 14)

15)

“You dumped a porn star? Friendship over. Friendship over!” “The question is: Do these strate gies ever NOT work for me? Either way the answer is about half the time”

16) “One of the 24 ways women and fish are alike is that they're both attracted to bright objects. Don't you ever read my blog?” 17)

“You know, Ted, it's been four years. She could be engaged engag ed or married or, God forbid, fat”

18) “Every Halloween, I bring a spare costume in case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.” (check out Barney out Barney Stinson’s Halloween Customs!)


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19) “Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!” 20) “Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.” [Ted dressed as a hanging chad]

21) “Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.” check.” 22) “A girl dresses up like a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...” nurse... ” [Barney talking Halloween Costumes] 23) “Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to over think. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to over think with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"” he-" ” 24) “Come on, Ted, this is an incredible opportunity; we'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em 'e m again ” [about a match making service] 25)

26)

27)

“Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot, h ot, that's a perfect cocktail, shake well, then sleep with.” with.” “You need to mark your territory, and I don't mean missing the toilet ” “You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law"” Law" ”

28)

“I've done so much good today, I've got, like, a "soul boner"” boner" ”


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29)

“On the question why Barney is sleeping in a tub: "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."” wrinkling." ”

30) “Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying, "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it is your job to make him awesome"” awesome" ” 31) “Your brain screws you up Ted. It gets in the way. It happened with Robin, it happened with half-boob... and it's gonna keep on happening until you power down that bucket of neurosis, inebriation style ” 32)

“People often ask me "Barney how is that you're so psyched so much of the time"? ”

33)

“I mean seriously, Claudia and Stuart? I mean I have hooked up with the odd lass who is beneath my level of attractiveness... but... you know I was drunk. There is no way Claudia has been drunk for three years ”

34) “Don't beat yourself up. He'll be fine. I mean, the guy's like a billionaire. He can put his platinum card on a fishing line and win ten chicks hotter than you ” 35)

“Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.” license.”

36) “This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. Ni rvana. By the way I should get you y ou Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat ” [on the phone] 37)

“You invited me up to your apartment to play Battleship. Battleship . Is that not an international recognized term for sex? ”


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38)

“The only reason to wait a month for sex is if she's 17 years, 11 months old ”

39) “Ladies, gentlemen, Ted. This has been a wonderful evening. I got great dirt on all you guys. I got Ted to tell the Rereturn. I finally nailed Shannon. Told her I'd call her tomorrow...yeah, right! And I rediscovered how awesomely awesome my life is. Peace out, hombres!” hombres! ” 40) “My life rocks! Money, suits, and sex? These are tears of joy! I could be cooped up in an apartment, changing some brat's poopy diaper but instead I'm out in i n the world being awesome 24/7/365! You let me dodge a bullet, big guy” guy” 41)

“Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life ”

42)

“Hi, leg warehouse? Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on... So, nothing for him to stand on? Ok, thanks so much ”

43) “Marshall, I should feel tremors of psych-itude rock my body like a seizure. That was like li ke a declawed, pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly on a lazy Sunday afternoon.” afternoon. ” 44) “You're different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality... which is just so much easier ” 45) 46)

“I know what you want: Magic!” Magic!”

“Dude! We haven't hit legendary yet, we're only at the Le, we still got the Gen, the Da, the Ry.” Ry.”


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47)

“Come on, Lily, how many women can say that they have been personally serenaded by Korean Elvis? ”

48)

“Dude your views on professional fornicators are harshing my mellow ” 49)

50)

“That's the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!” up!”

“You are forcing me to be the voice of reason. And that's not a good look for me!” me! ”

51) “For the first time...ever...the three of us are single si ngle at the same time. I've dreamed about this day, boys, and it is going to be le...gen...dary! Together we will own this city. Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriend, ex -boyfriend, we'll be there. Any time a girl wants to...solve her father issues i ssues through promiscuity and binge drinking WE WILL BE there. Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting "WHAT'S UP NEW YORK!!", YORK!! ", we will be what is "up" New York!” York! ” 52) “So he stays home all the time not getting laid? No, see, that's what you do when you have a fiancée. He should be out here celebrating! He's free! He got that red-headed tumor removed.” removed. ” 53)

“You know what Marshall needs to do. d o. He needs to stop being sad. When I get sad, I stop being sad, and be awesome instead. True story.” story.”

54)

“We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.” college.”

55)

“Dude, lots of chicks think that architects are hot. Think about that, you create something out of nothing. You're like God. There is no one hotter than God.” God.”


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56) “Dear Resident, The time we spent together, togethe r, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again but unfortunately I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. g host. I can only materialize once every decade, on the anniversary of my death. d eath. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet resident. Perhaps we will meet again, in another decade-provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond, Barney.” Barney.” 57)

“The Fortress of Barnitude?? No way.” way. ”

58) “Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours...fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!” heh! ” 59) “See that wall? *Turns on TV* 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!” Kong!” 60)

“Canadian porn. Trust me when I tell you their universal health care plan doesn't cover breast implants. If I have to watch one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'm going to go "oot" of my mind.” mind.”

61)

“I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out ”

62) “Blame Lily and her oppressive no-cigars-in-theappartment-rule. God, it's like Marshall is marrying the Taliban.” Taliban. ” 63) “Oh Robin, my simple friend from the untamed north. Let me tell you about a little thing I like to call 'mind over body' ...


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You see, whenever I start feeling sick, I just stop being sick and be awesome instead. True story” story ” 64) “This is a low moment for the Barnacle. I should be off playing laser-tag right now but instead ... don't look at me, I'm hideous.” hideous. ” 65)

66) 67)

“Christmas is a time when people are lonely and desperate, it's the most wonderful time of the year ” “Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion. religi on.” ” “In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story” story ”

68)

[Seeing his nude painting]: “You gave me the Ken doll... She left out Little Barney, Barnacle Junior, My Barnana, Barnito Surpreme ”

69)

“Suits are full of joy. They're the sartorial equivalent of a baby's smile.” smile.”

70)

“Suits are for the living. That's why, when it's my time to R.I.P. I'm going out of this thi s world the same way I came into it. i t. BUCK NAKED. Yeah. It's gonna g onna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies ”

71)

“How to Run a Marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two ”

72) “How Barney would call his truck: Number ten, "The Winne-Bango." Number nine, "The Pick-Up Truck." Number eight, "The Ford Explore Her." Number seven, "The You Scream Truck." You Scream. (they all laugh) Number six, "Feels on Wheels!" Hello! Number five, "The Ride Her Truck." Number four, "The 18-Squeeler." Number three, "The Esca-Laid."


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Number two, "The Slam-Boney." and... the number one thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back... "The '69 Chevy."” Chevy."” 73) “Yeah, yeah, yeah... Barney what are you doing d oing here...I can't believe it's really you...Come in, have a seat...You want some tea...I know the apartment's small but I don't need much space... let me show you some of my paintings...I pai ntings...I think it's some of my best work ever. JUST STOP IT! Lily, you have to come home. You and Marshall belong together. The two of you have something most people search their whole lives for and never find. I know you love him and if you knew what he was going through right now you wouldn't be here for one more second. I bought you a ticket home. Marshall is one of the best people I know and it won't be long until someone else realizes that and you will lose him forever. I can't stand the thought of that happening and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. Never ever tell anyone I was here, I will deny it tooth and nail; this trip never happened.” happened.” 74) “The bride would like the tension out of my shoulders, and she'd like... let’s let’s say, say, you in the inappropriately short dress d ress to rub them ” 75) 76)

77)

78)

“Ted, my boy...It's gonna be legen...wait for it...” it... ”

“Here it is: Acrobats from Montreal, they're super flexible. We are gonna get Cirque-du-So-laid. What Wh at uppppp? ” “That's not a tattoo. That, dear boy, is i s a tramp stamp. You know, a hoe tag, ass antlers, a Panama City license plate ” “We are going to an after-hours after -hours club so after-hours, it's three days from now. What up? ”


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79)

“You haven't changed, Scherbatsky. You're a sophisticated, Scotch-swilling, cigar-smoking, red-meat-eating, gun toting New Yorker ”

80)

“We are moving from out-of-towners to in-their-pantsers in-thei r-pantsers ”

81)

“Yes, yes! Okay, pep talk! You can do this, but to be more accurate, you probably can't. You're way out of practice and she's way too hot for you. So, remember, it's not about scoring. It's about believing you can do it, even though you probably can't. Go get 'em, tiger!” tiger!”

82) “Think of me like Yoda but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro - I'm Broda!” Broda!” 83)

84)

“Well, I love committment. I wish I could marry committment.” committment. ”

“She convinced you to go jogging? Wow, you really wanna get into this girl's pants ”

85) “Ted, let me tell you a little story about a young lady I wanted to have sex with, Lucilia. On a white sand beach in Rio de Janiero, we made love for ten straight hours. When we were done, she applauded, and told me that I was far far better than the best lover she could possibly imagine, and that I had restored her faith in god.” god.” 86) “I'm sorry. Did you just say Canadian Thanksgiving Thanksgi ving was and I'm quoting "The Real Thanksgiving"? What do Canadians even have to celebrate about? ” 87) “Please. You took out all the suspense. In a horror movie, the killer does not grab a bull horn and announce: "Attention unsupervised teens here at the lake house. At precisely 3 am,


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I'm gonna jump outta that closet right there and hack you all up with a machete. PS: Fire is my one weakness ” 88)

“Barney about investing in women: That's going to reward shareholders soon. I see aggressive growth in my future. What up!” up! ”

89)

“That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armaniclad and fully awesome ”

90) “But you said I rocked your world. All subsequent worlds that I rocked were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned from said first world rocking!” rocking! ” 91)

“Yeah, it's called "I'm gonna get in your panties" incorporated.” incorporated. ”

92) “Open your brain tank bro, cuz here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. There's three rules of cheating: 1. It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. 2. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels. 3. And its not cheating if she's from f rom a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.” counts.” 93) “Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them-- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hands, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize ”


Legendary Barney Stinson Quotes

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