Instant Confidence With Women Simple, Powerful Tactics To Command Respect and Attract Women Fearlessly and Consistently
or “From Blue Balls To Brass Balls in 30 Days”
A Practical Daily Action Guidebook For Good Men… Who Are Ready To Be Great With Women
By
Adam Gilad c. April 2011
Instant Confidence With Women A Practical Daily Action Guidebook For Good Men… Who Want To Be Great With Women
The Foundations of Instant Confidence Introduction: Why “Instant Confidence” Works
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Foundation I: Confident Body
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Foundation II: Confident Mindset
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Foundation IV: Confident Conversation
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Foundation V: Confident Social Life: Leadership
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Advanced Online Intensive: Commanding Confidence Advanced Weekly Trainings For Subscribers Only, these will arrive every Saturday Morning in both audio and downloadable PDF form (special launch discount: only $37/mo!)
Month 1:
Advanced Confident Approach Week 1: Make “Same-Night Magic” Week 2: The “Brass Balls” Approach Method Week 3: Top Flirt Tips From The World’s Leading Expert Week 4: “Undercover” Drills For Bulletproof Pickup
Month 2:
Advanced Digital Confidence: Online/Facebook/Texting Week 1: Advanced Dominance and Dating Online Week 2: Advanced Hot Flirting, Texting and Sexting Week 3: Secret “Underground” Web Tools and Techniques
Week 4: Insanely Effective Phone “Game”
Month 3:
Advanced Confident MindSculpting Week 1: Ending “Nice Guy” Syndrome Forever Week 2: The Getting Fearless Formula Week 3: Acting Through Your Doubts Week 4: Advanced “Inner Game”
Month 4:
Advanced Badass Edge Week 1: Bad Boy Techniques for Every Man Week 2: How To Be BadAss Without Being an Ass Week 3: High Status Humor Week 4: Fearless
Surprise!:
Months 5 and 6 are FREE, Compliments of Me!
Month 5:
Commanding Sexual Confidence Week 1: Week 2: Week 3: Week 4:
Month 6:
Advanced Commanding Verbal Sex Play “Oral Fixation” – Inviting Her To Your Pleasure Porn Star Sex Tips Confidently Lead Her Into Orgasmic Abandon
Advanced Body Hacking: The Sexiest Body Possible Week 1: Week 2: Week 3: Week 4:
Bodyhacking for Swift Weight Loss Bodysculpting With Minimum Effort Shortcut to Your Ideal “Adonis” Body Ratio You 2.0: Cut; Lean; Bursting With Vitality
Instant Confidence With Women Introduction "The most difficult thing is the decision to act;
the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper
tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and
the procedure, the process is its own reward." — Amelia Earhart
WHY I HAD TO WRITE THIS PROGRAM I didn’t want to write this program. I had to.
Why? Because of my personal story and because of what I’ve see as a pattern among the thousands of men in my dating and relationship community, AttractConnectInspire.com.
I see so much of men’s lives going to waste. So many lives hiding in timidity. So many opportunities to create love and fun, laughter and pleasure – vanished before they could even come into existence.
I wrote this program because I have so many men in my community who deeply want love. Who want women in their life. Who want to be
easy and good with women. Who want the simplest pleasures – an adoring smile, an enduring embrace. The beauty, softness, wisdom and warmth that women bring into our lives.
And yet – all of it gets lost in a few timid moments. Men back off from saying hello. They back off from speaking their true intentions. They back off from flirting when appropriate and from diving devotional, truthful and deep when a woman needs that.
If you have seen great women escape your grasp, this program is for you. And it is my full and absolute intention that this program marks the end of your shyness or your hesitation to bring great women into your life!
You know those “boosters” you get at fresh juice bars: protein, Vitamin C, Fiber? Well, in these pages, I will show you how to inject a “Booster” of Boldness into 4 Essential Power Centers of your life. You will learn: - How to create commandingly confident inner dialogue - How to confidently approach and converse with women anywhere - How to turn women on physically with a few simple confident bodily communications - How to penetrate past small talk and connect with women anywhere - How to quickly “architect” your social life so that women funnel naturally and abundantly into your world
… and I will show you how to bring bold commanding confidence into your life so that you live inspired, live to your edge – and inspire women by the man who you are…
So that you live with Commanding Confidence – by taking one action after another, until it is the most natural thing in the world
So that you command confidence in others.
So that you magnetize the woman or women of your dreams by the force of your confident presence. So that you are worthy of the woman of your dreams.
And -- here’s a crazy idea -- so that you continue to delight and lead the woman of your dreams once you meet her.
By the time you finish this program, you will have enough practices, actions, techniques and tools so that your confidence will be on the firmest ground there is. Why?
Your confidence will not be an act. It will be your core. It will be unmistakable. And it will be irresistible.
Whither Your Confidence?
There are many reasons why men today do not exhibit Commanding Confidence.
One is that many men are confused as to how to “be a man.” Questions that haunt many men – and may haunt you include —
What is the difference between aggressive and assertive? What is the difference between claiming a woman and harassing a woman? When is it appropriate to show romantic interest and when is it appropriate to grab her and kiss her into erotic oblivion?
Yes, today gender roles are confusing – it’s not your fault that you’re unsure how assertive to be.
In this program, I will give you guidelines to offering the BEST kind of masculine erotic direction to women – the elements of Commanding Confidence-- a set of actions, techniques, behaviors and thought practices that will leave you feeling like a man of dignity and power – even if your advances are sometimes rejected, as they no doubt will be.
Your self-worth will skyrocket not only by how you try, but by the very fact that you WILL be trying – whereas before you have backed off from your best and most commanding self.
Your Confidence will skyrocket because what I have designed here are a set of practices that create FEEDBACK LOOPS – consistent, small, middle sized and large – so that your Confidence “Muscle” grows automatically.
You don’t have to feel Commandingly Confident to take Commandingly Confident actions. But take these actions – as described in this program – consistently enough and you will discover that you actually do feel more Confident. And deservedly so.
When you EARN your confidence instead of work to project it without having earned it, you will remain unshaken in the face of both victory and apparent defeat. You will see, even if you don’t believe it now, that any one woman’s reaction to you does not matter.
For the Commandingly Confident Man, victories and setbacks are equally food to feed your growing confidence and wisdom.
Gittin’ Balls By Taking Action I was not always bold. In fact, I was a classic “nice guy.” Self-sufficient, super-sensitive to women’s needs, always at the ready to please. It got me into a marriage and helped to destroy it.
Now, don’t get me wrong, this strategy of “pleasing” can get you a lot. It can be very seductive to women at first – but it gets boring to them very quickly. Because even though you are “doing your best” for them, you end up essentially following rather leading.
And women want you to lead.
You can only lead if you are BOLD. Bold means you choose. You choose what you do, what you say. It also means you stake a claim in the world and you choose what a woman will do with you or for you.
If you are bold simply for the sake of your own ego gratification, however, you are not bold, you are selfish and a bully. You will be oblivious to what is happening in and for your woman.
If you are bold for her sake as well as your sake, if you lead her into excitement or new sexual realms, if you help her across the lines of what has been comfortable to her before but limits her – this is boldness. This is leadership. This is, in its core, your heroic nature.
To Be Bold Is To Be Heroic I don’t care if you are a nice guy. I don’t care if you are shy. I don’t care if you are socially awkward.
Anybody can rise to heroic action – in fact most heroic stories tell the story of unlikely heroes (Frodo Baggins, Huck Finn). Heroism is a formula…
It begins with someone called out of his comfort zone, resisting the call to greatness or adventure, then forging on toward his high goal anyway. The hero sets out on a journey of trials and challenges, gaining new weapons (skills, wisdom), defeats a great fear (dragon) and returns home a different man, with something nourishing to bring to his people.
It’s a formula. It’s proven. It’s ancient. And it’s universal. It’s the structure of every movie you’ve ever seen, as well as most religious epics and novels.
And at the core of heroic triumph is boldness – including boldness in the presence of fear and unsureness and hesitation.
The hero is hesitant and afraid – and acts anyway.
Sure, you may be afraid to approach that beautiful woman. Sure, you may be afraid to confess your admiration or love. Sure, you may be
afraid to admit your fears. But when you do these anyway, you see these fears are “paper tigers” and you get used to doing them anyway.
Until fear shows itself to you as less than paper tigers. They are only paper pussy cats. Gerbils. Mice. Dust. Nothing.
Nobody dies from talking to beautiful woman. Nobody dies from sharing his true heart.
By taking action in the face of fear, you gain strength and you earn the confidence of a man who acts in the face of fear. Do you know a better definition of heroic? I don’t.
Throughout this program, I will show you both the mind-frames you need to act boldly in the world, as well as give you practice after practice, action after action, to bolster your growing boldness, in approach, in conversation, in private as you hone the instrument of you, and in public.
Because boldness, like any valuable characteristic, grows stronger with practice. By taking action. Day after day. After day after day.
“Dad, when you were married, you were a pussy.”
My son said this to me a couple of years after I got single. He was 13 or so, and my response was, “you know son, you’re right.”
He had seen how feminized I had been as a husband, in my case, trying desperately to makes someone happy who could not be made happy. She had so identified me with her strong father that she needed to butt against me, even when I was being the most supportive, non-father-like guy in the world. Eventually, it became clear to me that I need a much stronger woman – or, as it turned out, many dozens of them – and she needed a soft guy wholly unlike her powerful dad.
It’s hard to see it when you feel disempowered, but you have the power to change your situation.
How disempowered was I? How UNbold was I when I got divorced? Let me tell you two more stories.
First of all, I honestly thought nobody would ever date me. I felt like a failure, that I lost my most precious accomplishment – my family. I felt overweight, balding and unattractive. My Hollywood career was precarious (as they always are!) and I had been wondering, “what the hell happened to my life?”
First Story: So I was just barely separated. I was in NY, just returned from Munich where I had written a movie for BMW about their passion
for design. I trudged into a sushi place someone had recommended and asked the short haired boy next to me what he was eating.
When I looked into his eyes, I realized he was not a boy – but a beautiful young woman. Turns out, she told me, “I am an Armani model. I just arrived in NY from Munich yesterday and I don’t know anybody here.”
It got better. She studied philosophy as did I. I couldn’t have asked for a better set up. And yet, after a perfunctory kiss on the cheek late that night after she invited me for drinks, she called me the next morning to explore the city – but I demurred. I didn’t feel as if I had the chops to handle her. I didn’t feel worthy.
Looking back, she clearly felt I was worthy, and in fact, I was worthy. Lesson learned: Allow acceptance. Allow appreciation. Allow Love.
COMMANDING CONFIDENCE ACTION: Anytime anybody says ANYTHING kind to you, noticing something positive about you, your task is to say: “Thank you.” Nothing more, nothing less. Not “Oh, I’m not that smart” or “Actually I’m 10 pounds overweight” or “You should have seen what a great forehand I had when I was 21!” Never diminish appreciation coming your way. Just say: “Thank you.” Let it in. Don’t’ block it. Absorb it and let it become a part of you. Simple and direct: “Thank you.”
Second Story: it was my first “date” in 17 years. We met at a party. She was cute. I asked her out. I created a kind of dream date, - with Handel’s Water Music live by fountains and wine handpicked from Handel’s home county then matching wine and a restaurant called Water – to continue the aqueous theme. When we reached her gate later that night, she said, “so what’s the protocol?” I stammered. I said, “I guess we set up another date?” She nodded and I left it there, me with blue balls, her with blue ovaries, I suppose.
Today? I would have a whole slew of answers, depending on how I feel…
“I kiss you. If you like it, you kiss me back. If I like it, I carry you upstairs and ravish you all night. Then next month, I take you to Hawaii.”
Or, “I touch your face, like this… admire your beauty like this…. then I kiss you, like this…. and if you like it, you, kiss me back, even deeper.” And then I wait for her to kiss me.
Commanding Confidence Action: A man with a plan is a sexy thing. State your plan. State your intention. Add playfulness into it as I did above if you like, but don’t deliver it in a smirky or boyish manner. Just think James Bond. Mean it! Don’t just
kiss her for the sake of kissing her, and don’t kiss her with half a heart. Notice I said, “admire your beauty like this…” -- really feel who this woman is, and don’t merely kiss the surface of her lips. Kiss the core of her through her lips, feel her breath, her life in her breath, her yearning, her softness, her reality. And you will be unlike any man she has met before.
From Hesitation to Awesome My sons got to watch their dad emerge from a frustrated follower to a man who happily and boldly approaches, attracts and enjoys beautiful women spanning four decades, with kindness, respect, a sense of fun and no apologies.
I have dated lingerie models and playboy bunnies, sweet girls next door, exotic African models, Europeans, Latinas, Asian girls, yoga goddesses, nurses, teachers, doctors, lawyers, ambitious college girls and countless women I’ve met online.
And I have done it with increasing truth in my intentions, clearly stated.
One Sunday, when my sons had their band practicing downstairs in a studio I built for them, I had three women stop by at my end of the house. One woke up with me there. One came early afternoon and the other late afternoon for dinner and the evening. Their friends noticed
and one stumbled toward me at the end of the day, arms outward and could barely get the words out, “you… are…. Awesome!”
Is my ego involved here in telling you this? I’d be a liar if I denied it 100%. Like many divorced men, I craved and enjoyed the affirmation of my sexual worth by burning it up with many women of all ages, races, backgrounds and tastes.
Part of me wishes I could say it was all sacred service or some tantric gifting to the world, but that would be crap. I wanted to have sex with lots of women. A lot. And I did. And I tell you these stories not to build myself up but to show you that no matter where you are in terms of selfdoubt, I was worse. And no matter where you are now, you can create a fantastic life, replete with beautiful, loving women.
It Begins With The Decision to Choose One of the gifts of being single, I discovered, was that I got to shape the man I wanted to be. For the first time in my adult life, I was truly the leader of my life. I could choose what I wanted to eat, how I wanted to spend my time and (what remained of) my money.
More important, I could choose how daring I wanted to be with women, how racy, how lyrical, how forward, how gentlemanly and how wildly sexual.
Bold Move 1: I could say to a powerful, sexy, Latina woman on a first date, “so basically what you’re telling me is that you want a man with a bigger penis than you.”
Result: huge smile and many months of passion (still one of my best friends).
Your Instant Confidence Lesson: Speak your truth as you would to a guy – without “protecting” her. It’s sexy. Using crass “guy” language can make her feel like an “insider.” If she doesn’t get all offended (which would probably indicate she’s a prude anyway), then she will feel as if you TRUST her. It’s a turn on every way you look at it.
Bold Move 2:
I could greet a talkative woman at her front door for our second date by putting my hand over her already chattering mouth, pressing my body against here up against the wall, and deepkissing her into instant surrender.
Result: wild night of sex.
Your Instant Confidence Lesson: You don’t HAVE to listen to a woman talking. If it’s not something crucial to her heart or her dignity and its just talk – it can be MUCH more effective to just kiss her passionately into silence. Let her feel the power of your body as you press into her – remember this isn’t “force” it’s letting her feel your sexuality and your power.
Bold Move 3:
This story still blows me away. I was in Vegas at a conference and I got pinged on an online dating site by about the most beautiful, I mean, busting out sexy woman I have EVER heard from. She is 24, a snowboarding champion, artist and a lingerie model literally less than half my age. She said what women often say – that my profile was unlike anyone elses, and how could we meet because I was (theoretically in LA) and she was in Vegas that weekend, working on a photoshoot. If I were Irish, this would be luck of the Irish. I was in a rush and said, let’s meet for lunch before I headed home. We met by the canals at the Venetian – and holy moly – she was not only stunning, but funny, smart, playful and… stunning! She mentioned she’s an adrenaline junkie and loves roller coasters. Hmmm, I thought, there’s a roller coaster at New York New York. And I just rolled the dice, straight out. I said, “Tell you want we’re gonna do. You and I are gonna go check our stuff in upstairs, we’ll get a day pass at NY NY and ride the roller coaster all day until we throw up, go out for a great dinner and then hang
out by the pool tomorrow.” Knowing how to shut up after a concise sales pitch, I shut up. She looked at me and said, “ok!” I offered the plan without subterfuge. Without game. Without hesitation. Just straightforward. No tricks or smirking. Frankly, I was amazed.
Result: We had an amazing night and she’s been out to LA to stay with me since, and we’re still close. She’s an awesome girl!
Your Instant Confidence Lesson: Feel a woman’s desires and have no doubt, compunction, guilt or hesitation about INVITING her to have a great experience. If you don’t OFFER, she can’t ACCEPT. If you don’t LEAD, she can’t FOLLOW.
Being bold means shedding “game” and being powerfully honest
This program, Instant Confidence, is designed to give you the exact mental frames, the exact “magic” words, the exact practices and all the exact tools you need to bust out of your familiar zone.
Every chapter is constructed of specific practices and specific tactics for you to start using today!
If you are not getting what you ABSOLUTELY desire out of your life with women, then this program will be a godsend to you.
I want you to think of every practice here as that boost, a steroids shot – the kind an athlete might take to skyrocket himself to new levels of success. The practices you will learn here are practices I’ve created and tested, or collected from men who have unusual success with women.
If you get stuck approaching, or escalating a conversation, or dealing with emotionally tender issues, , you will find this program to have the necessary boosts to get you over the line.
There is a lot to learn here, so take it slowly.
There is also a lot for you to UNLEARN.
Because what you have grown comfortable with is really just the shape of your limitations. I have learned that for most people, your comfort zone is not comfortable at all. It is merely familiar.
You are currently stuck in your familiar zone, doing with varying success, what you’ve always done with women. Hiding your TRUE
desires behind social shyness, or gaminess, or dumb pick up “routines” or self-masking or perceived rectitude.
And what you are doing is disappointing yourself – and DEVASTATING women. Why is this devastating to them?
Because they are usually smart enough to know when a man is being a pussy. When he is backing off saying what he truly desires to say, when he is afraid to stake his claim with her or with life. Women call these men, “Manginas.”
One of my teachers, David Deida, says that
“…how you penetrate the world is how you penetrate your woman.”
If you are timid and cloying, game-y and manipulative, shy or hesitant in one area of your life, it will flow over into the other.
Becoming a powerful leader of a man means dropping the apologies. Dropping the hesitancies. In all areas of your life it means setting boundaries around your dignity and needs as well as staying curious when your old wounds are piqued.
And with women, it means dropping the lies that you are not a sexually alive being, that you are not secretly a warrior who loves to win, scion of hundreds of generations of men who WON. I guarantee you …
You don’t know what you are capable of… yet.
Embracing your COMMANDING CONFIDENCE self means that you get to be the person you actually always wanted to be – but haven’t really stepped into yet, for social or old psychological reasons.
The beautiful thing here, about stepping into your confidence is that…
This is fun. Remember when you were a kid and you wanted to explore the world? Search for buried treasure?
Guess what, that’s exactly what you’re doing here, right now.
Your buried treasure is your latent, untapped capability and confidence with women.
If you are like most men, you tend to think that the buried treasure is the bodies of beautiful women – but no, no, no.
The true buried treasure is the feeling you will now have, when you wake and when you sleep. When you succeed with women and when you don’t succeed as you like. When you are home or when you are out among people.
The real buried treasure is the confidence you feel about yourself – that your self-worth is solid, that you are bringing your best self forward to women with directness and clarity, playfulness and authenticity.
This is you. This is what you got. This is what you offer. It’s the reward of living RELAXED into your true, best self getting better every day. No masks. No succumbing to the dictates of substance-less fear.
It’s the pleasure of a game well played, a job well done, a battle well fought. The kind of pleasure and self-regard that nobody can take away from you that you gave your all. And damn the consequences.
When women feel this sense of adventure on you, your easeful selfacceptance, they will sense that all-important element of Commanding Confidence
This is unending exploration, this is learning, this is discovering new muscles and new strengths for you.
And as such, it should be fun. So approach everything you are about to learn – both in this program and in the monthly modules, installations of which you will download every week for the next few months – receive it all in the spirit of adventure.
It Begins With You… “I think of life itself now as a wonderful play that I've written for myself, and so my purpose is to have the utmost fun playing my part.” ~ Shirley Maclaine
So, how do you become a leader of thousands? You start by becoming the leader of yourself.
That is why the first section of this program is about your body and your mind. When you take charge of yourself, your aura will precede you.
I don’t mean anything esoteric here – only that the way you enter a room that will define for everybody present that you are a man to be reckoned with. The way you carry yourself, the way you breathe, the words you choose. They either evidence COMMANDING CONFIDENCE or they evidence self-doubt.
So -- first steps – take charge of your mind and body – and I’ll give you practices to help you with both of these.
After you become – to use the Seinfeldian phrase “master of your domain” - though I mean it differently – once you an aware and in control of how your body moves and then how your mind works and then how your words emerge and land on women – then the next step is to CHOOSE to become a Commanding Presence rather than a habitual follower in your close sphere – your family, your friends, those at work, for your neighbors.
You practice Commanding Confidence as a series of actions -- within, then in your personal and professional life – and you will see, your habits will change, your presence will change – and women will feel the difference on you. Exuding Commanding Confidence will be as natural to you as breathing.
Curing a Disease: DHV vs. BHV Many men who come to my work have been through various layers of the “pick-up” community. There are well-known teachers and bootcamp leaders who teach the scaffolding of social fluency. Crutches to help get men to interact with women they would otherwise never approach. And sometimes it works well, just to get out of your habitual shyness.
But always remember – pick-up stuff is only scaffolding – it’s not your real life, and it’s not your true power, it’s there as a support until you get your actual confidence in place.
One of the most common concepts pick up teachers use is that of a DHV – or a “demonstration of higher value.” This could be something as innocuous as showing social proof – that other women like you already, or something more nefarious, like “negging” or putting women down.
In truth, there are playful ways of doing this and there are just nasty ways of doing this – and demonstrations tend to work better with women in their 20s especially when they are drunk.
But once a woman has her self-worth down, and has a little experience of the world – and with men - you will just come off like an phony with flippant attempts to try to flaunt or “demonstrate” higher status on the see-saw of life by sleight of word or sleight of hand.
You can learn those DHVs elsewhere.
But I am going to teach you something FAR more powerful – and something that can’t be exposed or deflated.
In the stead of DHV’s, this program will show you how to BHV - not demonstrate but “Be of Higher Value.”
BHV Commanding Confidence means that you are actually living your true worth and communicating it truly.
There is no falsehood in you. There will surely be humor and flirtation, but the confidence that women will feel on you will derive from your own certainty in your actual worth and value in – and to -- the world.
And guess who gets to determine that certainty?
YOU! You and only you.
What I have discovered working with so many men (and women) is that you often don’t realize your true worth – your true value to others.
You forget that you are lovable, likeable and attractive for the things that women love, like and are attracted to. They don’t want the fancy shirt and the surface personality. They want to feel the depth of you. The hero of you. The high service of you. The nurturance of you. The paternal power of you. The kingship of you. The leader of you. The bold mothafucka of you.
But it’s a boldness that is not a show or a mask. It is a boldness that derives from your depth as a man. Your true values. As a man. As a son. A brother. A reliable friend. And if you are a father, as a father, especially.
Commanding Confidence is about you discovering who you really are, choosing who you are going to be every single day – on your terms – owning it, and communicating it clearly.
We’re going to walk through how to CHOOSE confidence through your daily actions – both in private and in the company of women.
You have already begun the process by investing in this program and now by making your way through the text. And you’re going to see how confidence is incremental. Confidence is the result of a series of choices….
Confidence is not a mind-state, it’s a lifestyle choice
In this program, we will remove the limits you’ve been putting on yourself, and release you to be greater in all ways.
You are capable of so much more. You suspect it. You just need the tools, the kick in the pants, the support, the techniques, the reminder and the practices – so that you remember that it’s all in your hands.
Let’s go…
FOUNDATION 1 Your Confident Body “Your Body is Your Resume”
Feeding Your Machine
Your body is a message machine. It is a nonstop, multi-varied radiosignal, beaming out who you are, what you think of yourself, how much power you believe you have, your self worth.
You can look at your body as a bag of meat you drag around while you do your work, play online games and do Facebook.
You can see it as a temple or a playground.
But for the purposes of Commanding Confidence, I need you to think of it first and foremost as an instrument or a machine.
Like a trumpet, if you want it to play beautifully and serenade women – you’ve got to learn the valves and the lip-and-tongue work.
Or, as with a Ferrari, if you want to own the road, you’ve got to service and shine it, keep it oiled and clean.
Your body is a machine for attraction.
As I will remind you over and over – Commanding Confidence is not a magic pill. It is something you earn day by day. And you earn it by actions. At first, small actions, and then expanding them until the boldest move will feel utterly natural and easy for you.
You can earn your body confidence.
In fact, it is one of the easiest things you can earn, because your own body is one of the easiest things you can control. You can mold it into the kind of biological sexual magnet that women are programmed to lust after.
The Golden Feedback Loop Before we get to the two areas – muscles and weight loss, let me tell you something that can change your life.
If you don’t take care of your body – literally, if you don’t show it care and treat it like a treasured possession – then you are murdering your self-esteem and confidence.
If you get sloppy in your clothing, if you let weight pile on your waist, if you leave your hair and nails unkempt – you are subconsciously telling yourself these words: I AM NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE.
If, on the other hand, you DO take care of your body. If you work out (even if you hate the gym like I do), if you exert discipline on your food diet and exercise regimen, you will GROW more confident because you will be telling your subconscious mind: I AM worth the trouble! I am so worth it, I am going to be disciplined and focused and expend precious life energy on myself.
That is your first feedback loop. It’s boosting the Confidence of your inner self by taking simple actions caring for your outer self.
The second feedback loop is how people react to you.
“Hey, you look great!” “Wow, have you lost weight? Good for you! I know that’s hard.” “Hey, when did you get so sexy?”
When you start hearing these kinds of things from women, your confidence will naturally rise. So not only are you feeding yourself confidence building messages, but the more you build an attractive musculature and shed fat, the more messages women – and men – will
send your way.
These are some of the easiest ways to earn your confidence. And it’s by taking simple actions – exercise and nutrition choices.
And of course, don’t forget grooming – keeping your nails trim and not discolored (yes, toes too!), your ear and nose and neck and brow hair trim, your teeth as white as you can get them, and clean.
Clean is sexy.
Trim is sexy.
Strong is sexy.
And all the feedback you get back on these three physical qualities will build your confidence every time you step out of the house. People, especially in our culture, will offer plenty of verbal respect for you, for your discipline, your sacrifice and your achievement.
In fact, your next challenge will be to allow your self image to catch up to your physical reality. Often the mind trails behind. Men who were fat kids often still think of themselves as the fat, awkward kids they once were. But we will address this in Module 2 on Mindset.
Another great thing about taking care of your body FIRST is that the steps are both GRADUAL and CONCRETE.
You can MEASURE a five pound loss.
And even that first five pounds will give you a feeling of accomplishment! That you have done something for yourself, showing that you are worthy. You can notch off a step toward your ultimate weight goal, but you will already by flooded by positive self-feeling.
Confidence’s seeds will be planted and you will be on the Confidence train…
When it comes to building muscle, sometimes the change is fast, sometimes it-s slow.
You will know when you can do 10 pull-ups instead of 3, or 20 instead of 10. You can take before and after shots to evidence to yourself your physical improvements. So whether you do the Adonis Effect System – which to me is about the fastest way, or some other way, like P90X, you will be initiating that feedback loop with your subconscious.
The key is that you’re not going to go from Dobby the House Elf to James Bond in terms of assertive self confidence in a day. But you can be on the path in one hour!
And knowing – and seeing – that you are firmly on the path -- that itself increases confidence.
You Act Yourself Into Feelings Defeatists think that your feelings are feelings. That they are facts.
But those interested in excellence, science and performance know that you act yourself into your feelings.
If you sit on the couch eating Doritos and watching Americas Funniest Home Videos 12 hours a day, you will begin to feel like an indolent, unattractive, uninteresting loser.
Because that’s what you WILL be!
ON the other hand, if you are vitalized by great food, great mental food (books, audios like this), positive people, rigorous, smart exercise and bold actions with women and in life, you will feel like a winner, even if the results aren’t coming yet!
You can change your feelings by taking small actions.
Body change and body care isn’t rocket science, but it is science.
And I am bringing you two of the best resources in the world to get a grip on your body as machine and achieving results as fast as possible.
There are two experts with proven systems – both friends of mine -- and both are included in the Commanding Confidence Weekly Series.
But if you… 1. Want Muscle or 2. Want to lose weight …
And you want to do these things scientifically rather than follow fads…
And you want to get started TODAY… then go to the pages indicated below:
Muscle: Get An Adonis Body Ratio Quickly Brad Howard is one of the creators of the program: The Adonis Effect. Brad is a brilliant and funny and smart as hell. And working with scientific research into what are the optimal proportions for men to be optimally attractive to
women, Brad has co-created a physical system to get you as close to the ideal shoulders to waist ratio, for example, that is possible.
This program is not for performance, you ‘re not going to be entering a weightlifting championship. But you will shape your body for the strict purpose of attracting women.
I go into depth with Brad in (your free) Month 6 of the Monthly Advanced Trainings, but I’ll shoot you a private link to him in a few days…
Lose Weight If You Have Extra – Scientifically! The second tool you may need – if you are overweight – or if you want to get your weight handled once and for all – is the system created by another leader in his field, John Romanelli.
John is one of the sharpest people I’ve ever met – and I’ve met a lot. He is also one of the boldest guys I’ve ever met with women. From him, you will not only get a look into the science of weight loss and control that John has developed,
but you’ll get a bunch of free tips on how to boldly approach and handle women. I have caroused with John in a couple of cities, and he always cracks me up – but more importantly – he cracks women up – with his confident and ballsy – but always playful and sincere attitude.
But if you have ANY weight to lose – use his system. Of all the ones I’ve seen, it’s fastest, smartest, most scientific and effective. Again, I have an in depth discussion with him on the science of muscle and weight loss in your Month 6.
I’ll shoot you that link, too.
The more fit you can be, and the more vital your body energy, the more attractive you will be to women – it’s really very simple. In fact, here’s a great story...
In 2004, I was in Montreal to broadcast for National Lampoon from the Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. I brought my funny, sharp 14 year old son with me and we wandered down the hill to what was a foundational “Seduction Community” Conference – where I first met David DeAngelo, Carlos Xuma, Dr. Alex Benzer, Juggler – all kinds of teachers. We were watching Mystery talk, still relatively unknown, in his bumblebee suit and big yellow goggles and furry hat. My son leans over to me and says, “Dad,
this is stupid. It’s not that hard. A guy only needs three things: Go to the gym. Get plastic surgery. Buy a puppy.”
His point is well taken on all three counts. But definitely, get in control of your weight and musculature. Make success with women easier by far!
Make-or-Break Moment #1: Body to Body Connection
Where does your body exist in space? How do you move your body in space?
Just as too many men conceive of themselves as discreet minds, or egos, unconnected to others, so to do most men think of their bodies as disconnected from the space around them.
I learned a social skill in my early twenties, strangely enough from a theater director from the Old Vic in London. I was a physical, energetic young dude who was a wrestler, a tennis player and all around athlete who had discovered that all the lithe, pretty girls were in theater. So I became an actor and dancer in high school and at 20, was now in a production of West Side Story in England. It didn’t hurt that I was one of the few straight guys in the cast.
Once we were cast and were getting into our individual characters, the director had us do a fascinating exercise. We were to walk around the stage in silence, meeting the eyes of every other character.
Now, it’s important to note that in no way did each character actually interact with every other character during the show – but in this exercise, we were to meet the eyes and “react” appropriately to how we felt about every other character in the show.
The idea was that there was never to be dead space between any two characters. When there is a personal feeling – camaraderie, brotherhood, fear, anger, lust – whatever it may be – between two people – there is ENERGY. Something sizzles.
The opposite of love is not hate. It is apathy – the absence of feeling.
The opposite of erotic energy is also apathy. Lethargy, lack of energy, lack of being on the court, in the game.
It is essential, to have a commanding presence that you “hold” a relationship to everybody and everything in the room. This does NOT mean that you express it. Don’t get me wrong – you are not to walk around sneering and breathing heavily, ogling or scoffing.
As a man with Commanding Confidence, however, you have an internal opinion, a stance toward everything – even if that stance is a kind of welcoming openness.
The key is that you are not “dead” or that your senses are turned off.
You are not a self-enclosed, unrelating being. You are open to what is going on with everyone else. It doesn’t mean you are influenced or rocked by them. It just means that you are unguarded and allowing the reality of what’s going on with others to enter your mind and soul. You are in RELATIONSHIP with every body and every person around you.
One of the problems of the modern workplace, cubicles, separated offices, computer terminals – is that you are often cut off from other humans, so you get out of practice being in bodily relationship with everyone. So make this a daily practice.
Commanding Confidence Practice: Relate Bodily
You can do this at any time, day or night, when you are amongst others. Whether you are in a bar or a supermarket, in a meeting or just in an elevator – FEEL the reality of the bodies around you. What are subconscious messages women are sending, for example? Are they asking to be noticed? Are they wearing sequins or shiny earrings trying to draw
attention their way? Are they covering up their bodies with wide shirts or blouses? Do they look people in the eye or look down? Why? Get curious. Is there any energy going back and forth between you and her? Can you create it? Are you standing opposite each other or facing the same way? How can you build on that? I have a friend who will walk up to women in clubs who glance at him and say:
“So, how come you haven’t asked me to dance, yet?”
A bold and ballsy move – and almost always ends up in a dance.
By the way, deciding that you are going to identify and even create a body to body relationship with everyone around you is great practice for being a lover, boyfriend or husband – actually having the skill set to FEEL what the hell is going on with other people instead of being locked in your own internal monologue.
Make-or-Break Moment #2: Prepare, Feel, Be Present
When you enter a room, you will calmly take in several things. The energy of the room – are people comfortable? Are they talking? Are they hanging back? Do they have their masks up? Are they relaxed. More that likely, they have their mask up.
You will see where the power lies, where the energy lies. Are there small groups of men and women alone? Who is laughing? Who is loose and playful? Whose eyes are scanning, hoping someone will come talk to them and who is buried deep in intense conversation with a friend?
A Commandingly Confident player never walks onto the court or field without taking a moment to seriously size up whom he’s playing with or against.
Similarly, a Commandingly Confident speaker will take a moment to “feel” his audience before he opens his mouth. Rushing into words does not inspire confidence or admiration from his audience. And of course, it doesn’t give him a chance to gauge who’s out there – and how he should speak.
As with almost everything about being Commandingly Confident, you are to be Prepared and Present – a combination of being both Skilled and Spontaneous.
Let’s use the athlete analogy again because our goal is excellence and effectiveness, easeful confidence and impact.
Kobe Bryant doesn’t drive to the Staples Center, suit up and hit the court at the buzzer. No. He eats carefully, he prepares mentally and
physically, stretches, studies his opponents and both relaxes himself and pumps himself up.
In a similar vein, I have the pleasure of knowing Lorenzo Neal, All Decade Fullback for the Chargers and other NFL teams – never missed a game in 16 years. The guy is not only a machine on the field, but one of the most thoughtful and big hearted men I’ve ever met off the field. I asked him the secrets to his success, and they were two: First, his attitude. He was there to ABSOLUTELY SUCCEED.
He wasn’t there to be second best, just as if you are to truly embody Commanding Confidence, your attitude can’t be to be second best. He told me the story about his mother – a sharecropper in Texas – dirt poor. When she gave birth to him, she was back in the fields the next day. “Don’t ever let the boss see you rest,” was her guiding advice. Brutal, from our point of view, but engendering of a work ethic for Lorenzo that never wore off. No one would ever out work or outprepare him.
Choose not to be second best but THE best – and prepare, train, focus always
And his attitude led to practical results. He became a team leader – the kind of guy who was first to the gym, first to the locker room, and first to drive the defensive line back with nasty hits. He was the most fit. The
most ready. In the off-season, when other players fished or drank or gorged or relaxed, he hit the gym. As he told me, not once a day, but three times a day! In fact, MORE than he did during the season.
Listen – there are men who want to be successful with women who want that magic line or magic hat or magic pair of shoes. But the truth is, you’ve got to put in the work. Part of that work is preparation and part of that is the practice of being present, real authentic, light and spontaneous.
So let’s talk about practice.
Make or Break Moment #3: How She Perceives Your Relaxed Body
When you are heading into a bar or party or social event of any kind, chances are you’re going to be pumped or nervous.
Relax your body before you enter – because women will feel negative tension in your body. You want to have energetics – the coiled, sexual presence of a panther, for instance, but not the nervous energy of a Chihuahua.
So your first job is to identify: where in your body are you holding tension?
Your Face If you are holding tension in your mouth or jaw, as so many men do, here are a couple of exercises.
Commanding Confidence Practice: Use The Lion Face
This is actually a yoga position for your face. I guarantee it looks hilarious or frightening, but you’re not doing it for looks, you’re doing it to stretch and relax your face so that you will be encountered with a calm, playful and serene countenance.
Think of the center point of your face being just below your nose. Then stretch every millimeter of your face outward from that point. This means lift your eyebrows as high as they go! Open your eyes as wide as they go! Drop your jaw and unhinge it like you are an anaconda about to ingest a wild boar. And stick your tongue out as far and as downward as it will go. Do this three times and on the third time – hold that super-stretched position as long as you can.
You will see that your face will tingle and feel great.
Your Chest
If you, like many men, hold tension in your chest, you experience tightness and closure – the tension of your nervousness gets held up high in your rib cage. In the case, you must learn to breathe into your balls.
I know, sounds strange, but like everything else here, an effective skill set to have. Most people breathe unconsciously – just taking air in and out, without thinking about it.
But how you breathe affects how you think, how you feel and how you are felt by others. If you breathe shallowly, you will be felt as surfacey. If you breathe deeply, deep into your belly and balls, you will be felt as grounded – as having gravitas.
In yoga systems, it’s called breathing into your power centers or into your “root chakras.”
If you’ve ever done martial arts, you will know how crucial it is to cultivate power in your “chi” or “ki” center below your belly button. Keep your energy up in your chest and your shoulders and you are easily knocked over. Keep your energy low and grounded and you will be a far more powerful fighter. Let’s simply apply that martial arts secret to being powerful and uncollapsable with women…
Commanding Confidence Action: Breath
Here’s the practice. Intake air slowly and steadily through your nose and send it down, down, down though the core of your body as low as you can. Your mind is saying “to the balls! To the belly!” and that visualization will send the energy of your breath low into your body.
Let your lower belly expand slowly outward as you take air in, then slowly let your mid- then upper-belly fill. Finally, let your chest expand. Hold the breath. Hold. Only then, slowly let the air out – through your mouth – chest first, mid belly, then finally pushing out with your lower belly.
In this way, you will activate your lower body – which by the way, is not only the source of your physical strength and groundedness, but your sexual presence.
If you remember, one of the core principles of being Commanding Confidence is that you are an unabashedly, quietly sexual being from the start. You want your sexual presence felt the moment you enter the room, so nobody mistakes you for a walking, talking head.
There is no friend zone until you create it.
So…. don’t.
Your Shoulders I used to hold ridiculous tension in my shoulders. I played a lot of tennis and rolled my shoulders all the time. It came especially clear when I used to visit my ex-wife’s family’s house. My shoulders would twitch and roll almost constantly as I tried to shed or avoid the bad feeling that zinged between them like angry pool balls.
I learned this technique from a beautiful yoga girl who attended one of my workshops in San Diego.
Commanding Confidence Action: The Relaxed Shoulder/Open Chest Technique
Stand straight - Head erect. Now pull both shoulders back as far as they will go and roll them dowwwwwn. In the process, feel your chest pulled forward, if you want a really gross analogy – like an Apache sun dancer – with rings through your nipples pulling your chest forward (look it up – it’s real). But the point is to stretch the top and outermost points of your shoulders out and down. Really pull them down so there is a
stretch. Fill your chest with air - expand – expand – then slowly release the air and relax your body.
Your Hands Do you fidget? Do your hands move and wiggle? Are you releasing nervous energy through your fingertips? Probably. Women love a man’s hands. They like the warmth of them – our capillaries carry more blood theirs, by the way, to toes and fingertips – an adaptation for running and hunting.
They love the strength of them – to open jars, to squeeze them – their wrist or forearms, or hands. And the steadiness of them. If you want to see a happy woman, place your warm, strong, steady hand on a woman’s cheek and just behold her. Gaze at her and take her in, and say what comes to your mind. “I adore you.” “I really like you.” “You are a beautiful woman.” “I’m so glad I’ve met you.”
Consciously allow your warmth pour through your hand into her cheek, and you will have a grateful, melting woman on your hands (literally!).
To do this, you’ve got to release jitters or nervousness in your hands. Here’s how…
Commanding Confidence Action: Conscious Hand Relaxation
Practice releasing tension in them by – you guess it – stretching them out like you did in the Lion Pose for your face. Then clench them into fists, then relax them again. Feel your hands as weights at the ends of your arms.
When you sit at a table, let them rest on the table, at times, motionless – especially as you are listening to her. Be a ROCK when you listen. I’ve noticed that so many men tap their hands or flick their fingers.
Your Joy Now that you are relaxed, we can talk about returning joy to your body and your energy. A Commandingly Confident man is not jittery, but he can certainly be fun, happy, smiling and flirtatious. Remember, as always, your mental state is likely to follow your body state. So change your body state. Here are three ways:
a) Your Smile
I don’t have to tell you how welcoming and important it is to smile. Every study on likeability stresses that he or she who smiles is liked better. You can enter a room with a smile. You can put yourself in a high, happy state before you speak to women through practice.
Commanding Confidence Action: Practice Your Smile and Happy State
This may sound counterintuitive, but you can actually practice your smile and what feels like your spontaneous happiness.
a) Use The Mirror
In front of a mirror, practice smiling and laughing until you feel comfortable that you can put a smile on your own face any time you want.
Same with getting into a happy state. If you’re at a party, you want to be able to approach a woman in a fun, flirtatious way, hugging her tightly, giving her a high five for saying something smart or witty, or in common with you. If you are happy, she will likely feel happy.
And when you talk about what excites you in your life currently, or tell a story that means something to you, your body joy will be infectious.
b) Listen To Comedy
If you put joy into your body, joy will come out of it. I listen to comedy all the time. If you’ve got XM or Sirius, listen to a comedy station on the way to work, a party or a date – and watch how you bounce in with a smile and friendly greeting for people.
On your smartphone, you’ll find comedy channels – I use AOL’s Attack Comedy station all the time – just taking a walk or even as I wash the dishes or do any kind of housework. I have downloaded comedy albums by all my favorites, Doug Stanhope, Joe Rogan, Sara Silverman, Richard Jeni, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks, Eddie Murphy, Mitch Hedberg, The Blue Collar/Redneck Tour guys, Mike Birbiglia – people who make me think and laugh. It’s oddly empowering. And by the way, write down any good, funny observations that you can use in conversation. Making others laugh will make you happy, too.
c) Sing, Dammit, Sing! Also, sing out loud! Try it, just as you’re walking down the street, sing! You will find that women will not only smile at you, but they will. Yes, capitalism has professionalized something that is your natural birthright, but sing anyway. In the old days, EVERYBODY sang – you didn’t have to be a pro.
It is a wonderful, free, natural human expression of joy. Take advantage of this free gift.
True story – when I went to file for my divorce, I had such pent up joy behind my long trudging fear of breaking up my little family, that when I was on line at the court to file, some one tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Um, excuse me, do you realize you are singing at the top of your lungs?” I didn’t even know!
As a wordsmith by trade, I love the old melodies – Sinatra songs (“Somewhere, Across The Sea), Ella Fitzgerald etc. I like to sing songs about love – women love hearing the lyrics, of course, but I love them on their own (“Come Rain or Come Shine” “At Last”). They put me in a great mood. They make me hopeful, fun, optimistic and dreamy – and women love that energy.
The 10 Song Confidence Pack:
Pick 10 songs that make you happy – practice them – you can probably find them on free online karaoke sites – and sing out loud, first at home if you are shy, then in public, especially in crowds. Guarantee you will get smiles. By the way – you can go practice them at karaoke bars – just for fun and to gain confidence in letting your freak flag fly.
d) Get Your Endorphins On
Happiness is science. The science of endorphins. If you want to feel happiness and share the confidence of your happiness with others, bringing their affection naturally back toward you and increasing your confidence and good feeling even further – get your endorphins flowing. How do you do that? Easy! Run. Specifically run intervals – 30 seconds on, 10 seconds off. 60 seconds on, 20 seconds off.
My very beautiful ex girlfriend is a superstar trainer and amazing being on every level. She calls her self an “Endorphin Pimp” because her workouts are designed to maximize endorphin flow for days. I still train with her, and that’s one of the many reasons. To learn more about her and her system – or even to train with her via Skype… check her out at her site:
www.FitConsciousHappy.com
Make-or-Break Moment #4: How She Perceives You Entering A Room
Now that your body is relaxed, and happy, bring it into the room with presence, with force, with will – don’t meld into the background.
In the old days, though usually for a woman, they’d call it making an entrance. You are not to be ostentatious but your want your commanding presence felt.
Commanding a room means you “own it.” I give this next tip from Dr. Alex Benzer – author of The Tao of Dating – a great book, by the way -www.TheTaoOfDating.com
When you enter through a doorframe – don’t waste the moment. It is a natural frame for your (relaxed) body.
Like a warrior, like a soldier, like an athlete – you take in a domain before you enter it.
There is a saying that “only fools rush in,” and although has different origins and meanings, it’s useful. Use the doorway as a way to frame your body. Although you may not think about the physical impact of your body, women do. And they feel it.
Let them feel the muscle of your form. Breathe the room in. Slowly scan without being too obvious about it – almost like an unfocused breathing
in of the details. You’re NOT checking out boobs and asses here. You’re taking in more information than details tell.
Make-or-Break Moment #5: How She Perceives Your Body Move
Have you ever noticed that women talk dreamily about a “strong silent type”?
And that they almost never moon over a “loud, chaotic type?”
Gilbert Gottfried is not the guy women crave. Eastwood is. Clooney is. Jeff Bridges is.
There is something immensely powerful about the still solidity of a man. It doesn’t mean you can’t be effusive at times, or enthusiastic. But it does mean that, to inspire confidence, you are well advised to cultivate two modes:
1. Moving as if through water, and 2. Stillness.
Commanding Confidence Action: Move as If Through Water
Confident men rarely are jittery men. Confident men rarely jerk around. They tend to move smoothly, and surely. Watch Javier Bardem in “Vicki Cristina Barcelona,” Travolta in “Get Shorty” or Clint Eastwood in just about anything. This is a conscious exercise for you. You can practice it at home if you like at first, but practice in public, as you’re walking down the street or if you are in a restaurant, club, bar, museum – move your body slowly. Imagine the resistance of water.
So while you listen to a woman – or man – your eyes are still and not scanning the room or looking away nervously. Your hands are still. And there is no fidgeting in your neck or hips.
Predator or Prey? Let me offer you a metaphor. Who has more power? Predator or prey animals?
A predator animal stays perfectly still, awake. Aware. Watchful. He embodies coiled energy in stillness.
Prey animals – rabbits, mice, shrews, prairie dogs – on the other hand, are all herkie jerkie – twitchy and nervous. They exhibit all the qualities of FEAR.
It’s simple. When you are in social situations, which set of traits do you want to communicate?
Here’s another metaphor that will help you embody the solidity that a man of Commanding Confidence exudes:
Think of yourself as a contained ball of burning energy. As long as you are contained, your energy generates and regenerates and you maintain absolute and full power. You have the strength to contain all the awesome energy your body and mind generates.
Imagine, by contrast, that you are a ball of energy but with cracks and holes -- and that static bolts shoot out, frazzled flashes and gobs of plasma. It’s a messy, dissipated, unattractive thing to behold.
Are You Containing or Dissipating Energy?
When you fidget with your hands (tearing at a napkin, i.e.) or twitch, or chew gum or twist up your mouth, or dart your eyes or bounce your leg, then you are dissipating your masculine energy. You are, subconsciously, showing that you are not in “control” of yourself. You are LEAKING energy. Not sexy.
COMMANDING CONFIDENCE ACTION: Cultivate Absolute Stillness
Practice with your guy friends if that’s easier. Practice in a business meeting. Practice with family members. So that when you are with women, this is the most natural thing in the world. The key to stillness is breath. Just before you settle into your body, take three looooooong, slow breaths in through your nose, pushing your lower belly out, filling it, then filling the rest of your belly, then your chest, then slowly letting out air through your mouth. Three of these. The deepest breathes you’ve ever taken – and with the last one, settle down deep into your body, way down into your hips and belly.
Here’s another practice to solidify your body presence….
COMMANDING CONFIDENCE ACTION: Connect to the Center of the Earth
I learned this practice from one of my treasured girlfriends, who also happened to be spiritual coach to 4 of the Pussycat Dolls. She knows shit. She taught me a further step beyond grounding with breath. Once you ground yourself with breath, as in the action above, then send an imaginary cord from the base of your spine down into the center of the earth. Feel a pull as that cord tightens into taut, tensile power.
In your mind, you can imagine that you are drawing power from the earth’s core and sending it back as well. That your power and the fire at the earth’s core are one. You can even say, “I am power. I am fire. I am solidity. I am unshakable. Nothing can rock me.”
And let those messages flow through your subconscious mind.
Remember, women love a man who cannot be toppled, either physically or emotionally – who can take the “slings and arrows” they shoot at him and laugh in the face of trouble, challenge or danger.
LIVE THIS FEEDBACK LOOP…
As you feel yourself settling into your solid, unfrazzled, undistracted, grounded, undissipated, coiled masculine powerful body, speak these words to yourself…
“I am power. I am the solid man women crave. I am the still harbor for her wild seas. I am groundfall for her. I am the strong arms into which she wants to settle. I am the embracing stage… on which she can dance… I can be the solid presence around whom she can spin and flirt and be beautiful and charming and lovely.”
It’s what they want. Be it.
FOUNDATION II The Commandingly Confident Mindset
CHOOSE YOUR MIND: FRAMES/AFFIRMATIONS/VISUALIZATIONS I began with your body because in many ways your mindset will follow your body.
If you walk around slumped over and unconscious of your hands, eyes and breath – you will feel more helpless and weaker. When you keep a steady gaze, breathe down to your balls and stand with an open chest and relaxed masculine shoulders – you will feel more emboldened and capable.
Naturally.
I can’t say I have mastered the exact science of it, but there are hormonal reasons, messages sent to your brain by your body, inner feedback on your condition in any moment, that either empowers or disempowers you.
You can only feel one at a time. Which do you choose? Which will you choose, moment by moment?
I am a huge believer in the impact of behavioral change. Not because I have any kind of faith but I because I have experienced the results of behavioral change, both in myself and in those I have taught.
So now, as we turn from your body to your mind (acknowledging that the divide is not absolute), I want to focus you on the power of changing your mindset in a moment.
This isn’t therapy. This isn’t years of unraveling what your mother or father did to you. This isn’t digging into your past. That’s important work for many people, so that they can become functional or more functional. And, if you are truly paralyzed and feel wholly incapable and unworthy, I recommend traditional therapy for you if you genuinely feel that you are blocked from connecting to a woman at all because of overwhelming negative messaging or experience you received as a child at home.
But what we are embarking on now is the present rather than the past. What we are working on in this module is for the guy who is hesitant or shy or who has some self-doubts (that’s 90% of us!)
What we are going to do together here is more like taking a journey. We are going to leave behind the past for the moment and set off on a new road. The old voices fade away and even though you may be seeing the same things, the landscape will look fresh and new to you because you will be seeing it with new eyes.
This section really is all about you. Not the you of the past but the you who you are choosing to become from this very moment moving forward.
There is a poem by Mary Oliver - and I have read to several women who have broken through particularly strong obstacles in their lives – and it almost always brings them to tears (I recommend you read it aloud to any woman you meet who you admire and to whom you want to show you understand and appreciate the struggle she’s come through).
Women cry when they read it because there is great truth to it, especially for you if you have spent much of life serving the needs and demands of others.
I have had men in my workshops who are highly successful in the business world, but who still carry the sexual repressions of their parents – and can’t live their sexual truth with women because it’s somehow “dirty.” So when I say that you may been serving the needs of others, I mean in your inner world as well as your outer.
Read this poem slowly – and as poetry should always be read since its meaning is as much in the sound and rhythm as in the sense of the words themselves – read it aloud…
The Journey
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice -though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do -determined to save the only life you could save.
You can only “save” your own life – at least that’s where it begins. Once you are solid in your confidence, you will see that it is quite easy to help others save theirs – although they have to choose to take this Journey as well.
Like you, they have to leave behind those voices clinging at your ankles…
Like you, they will slowly recognize their own voice from amid the old voices trying to mold and control you with their “bad advice.”
This next section, then, this journey is about your LIBERATION from old voices – and some of those voices you probably hear by now in your own voice.
But they ain’t you. They are just limitations you’ve adopted from others.
This is your journey into your full confidence and true power -- and what I have prepared for you here are very specific practices that will function for you like steps up a mountain, or stepping stones as you cross the river into the land of Commanding Confidence on the other side.
You don’t have to understand your parents or your ex or even forgive them in order to take these steps (though forgiveness will empower you massively). You just need to take the steps in this module and take them often!
Lets jump into the mindset of a man of Commanding Confidence – he is happy, solid, playful, relaxed, optimistic.
You Create Your Inner World The truth is: You create your inner world.
End stop.
People can hurt your body, but only you can allow your “feelings” to be hurt.
People can say what they want to you and you can’t control it.
But here’s what you CAN control, but it’s something 95% of people don’t bother controlling it: what you say to yourself.
Is it important? Well, think of it this way: Your inner thoughts create the environment in which you live and operate no matter where you go.
Is it important for a fish to be in environment of water? What if it was suddenly in an environment of air?
Same with your thoughts. What if you swam all day in the waters of positive self-talk – how confident would you feel? How attractive would you be to women? How good would you feel?
By contrast, what if you stumbled all day through the dry, parched merciless desert heat of self-criticism. What if every word you spoke brought self-recrimination? What if you doubted every step you took?
How attractive would THAT person look to a woman? Which you would be naturally cultivating confidence every day, practically in every moment?
Who would you rather be?
A lot of people defend their thought patterns because they are “true.” But let’s challenge that for a second. Your habitual thoughts and selftalk are not handed to you by Zeus. Rather, they are an amalgam of messages your parents happened to give you, your classmates, what you’ve read and seen in films
In other words, upbringing, friends, media and pure chance encounters and experiences.
Hardly divine truth.
But one thing is absolutely true:
You are able to take control of the messaging that you give yourself.
And the difference will utterly change your life. Positive self-talk versus negative self-talk is one of the most determinative elements or success in any area of a person’s life.
It is as true for your success with women as it is with your success at work.
You must take control over your conscious and subconscious mind
… and the following section will make you utterly responsible for your internal processes.
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” - E. Roosevelt
You are 100% responsible for your internal state. You can’t control what happens out there in the world but only you can control how you respond.
And taking this responsibility for your mental fitness is no less important than taking control of your physical fitness.
What you are about to encounter in the following module is my distillation of proven, practical steps that millions of regular people – but also thousands of champions in all areas of life - have taken with unfailing certainty.
And it all begins with the virtual miracle of positive self-talk.
You Have Chosen To Believe Inadequacy Stories “I’m bad with women” “Women don’t find me attractive” “I could never get a 9 or 10”
These are the kinds of ideas lots of guys have decided to believe. Maybe it was instilled by a sick parent, by friends or by ex-girlfriends or wives. Maybe it’s just become easier to believe these defeatist statements than putting in the work to disprove them.
There is a weird pleasure people get when events prove their most selfdefeatist beliefs to be true. “See!” they jump and down! “I told you! No way a girl like that would be interested in me!” But I would rather have you have events prove your best beliefs about yourself.
W. Clement Stone, a fascinating thinker, had a cool idea about cultivating “Inverse Paranoia.”
In it, he says that since your decision that everyone is against you or you have “bad luck,” or pick your negative self-belief is arbitrary anyway, choose the opposite.
Choose to become an “inverse paranoid” -- you believe that there is a conspiracy to support you secretly, to help you.
A crazy thing then happens: you start seeing all the ways the universe is helping you, unasked!
Look For The Good And It Will Appear Everywhere
It’s a fun game to look for the good – we often we don’t see it until later – the famous “silver lining” to things, but its almost always there now.
Your task – be a reverse paranoid in the world of attraction. Choose to believe the following statements:
* Beautiful girls love me * Girls find me attractive and are happy to talk to me * I attract women in ways I don’t even understand
Napoleon Hill, that scribe of the super-successful , says that a mark of the most successful people is that…
“They always look for the opportunity or benefit within every channel “
Its simply a mind-discipline you can choose, if you want to amp up your success.
Here are FIVE Reverse Paranoia statements – or ways of reprogramming your subconscious -which I adapt from the motivational writer, Brian Tracy, statements to pump up your confidence and open your eyes to the positive ways girls treat you.
Reprogram Your Subconscious #1: “I Can Do It”
If you have challenges with performance or behavior change, this is the verbal antidote to the feeling of fear of failure that has been holding you back until now. If you repeat it 100 times a day – guess what? Your chances of being able to do it multiply.
Reprogram Your Subconscious #2: “I Like Myself “
If you have self-esteem challenges, this is the one you want to repeat to yourself a hundred times a day. Or a thousand. I’m sure there are plenty of things you don’t like about yourself. But your “self” – your core – the core that wants to be at its best, who loves, who is a good friend, who is smart and who is growing – you’re allowed to like that guy and like him vociferously.
People like to shame others for liking themselves, but that’s their fucking problem. That’s their way to dominate you.
Stepping away from your goodness or even greatness is often a move of falseness, a self protective phony front. You are allowed to like yourself straight out and honestly.
Golda Meir, the brilliant wit, who was Prime Minister of Israel back in the day, once quipped to someone, “Don’t be so humble, you’re not that great.”
If you like yourself, others will like you better. It’s that simple.
Reprogram Your Subconscious #3: “I Love Women.”
If you want women to like you more, like them more!
Seems pretty intuitive, doesn’t it? The more you love women, the more you notice them. Choose to love their quirks, choose to admire the wisdom of old women and the happy loving innocence of girls.
Love their speech patterns, their insecurities, their self-adornments, their need and call and yearning for love, their care for others, their natural empathy, the care they put into their hair and their nails and their clothes and their make-up and all the million things they do bring love or try to be loved in the world. Love it ALL.
Say to yourself, as you observe women, “I love that about women.” Say it to yourself 500 times a day! Say it out loud to your friends, men and women alike.
And when you are with women, say to them, “I adore that about you, I adore that about women.”
And MEAN it!
So many women get bitter about men over time. Hard to blame them really, most men are so confused with their heads stuck up their ass. But how attractive is a woman who says outright: I love men!
Same is true for men – men grow bitter and call women bitches and crazy and harridans and ballbusters. Choose to see the positive side of women all the time. If they are bitches, it’s probably because they are hurting. If they are ballbusters, they are probably scared.
See past the surface and find the lovable core.
This isn’t a crazy assignment. It’s exactly what a parent does with his child. Other people may not see the darling gem inside – but mom and dad almost all always will.
Take on that mindset with women. Love and adore them. I’m sitting in a café right now writing and watching a mother and her two beautiful daughters sharing cake, cuddling, and giggling, smiling and laughing – and trust me, it’s the most beautiful site in the world.
When a woman notices that you love women, she will feel the likeliness that you will love her. She (may) feel pride in you on behalf of her sisterhood.
And you will be predisposed to like, love and adore the women who come into your life – because you have trained your eyes and ears to see the good in them, no matter what arises.
Reprogram Your Subconscious #4: “I Feel Happy. I Feel Healthy. I Feel Great.”
Hey, life is one big waterslide out of the vagina and into death – might as well enjoy it.
Comedian Louis CK points out that “Everything is amazing and nobody is happy” (put that phrase in with his name in youtube and see the bit). He also reminds us that all some people ever get to do is be born and then suddenly die.
Not you.
When someone asks how you are doing, pick your poison:
Choice A: “Ahhh, work sucks, my boss is an asshole, I have too much to do…” Choice B: “Absolutely fantastic!”
Who’s a woman going to be more attracted to? Who is she going to want to be with?
I have a friend who owns a publishing company and that is his response every single time anyone asks him how he’s doing:
“Absolutely fantastic!”
When you say it, when you confirm it, you feel it.
But what if you don’t really believe it? What if you say it and someone says why?
If you can’t think of an answer then fall back on…
“Any day above ground is better than any day under it.”
Or…
“Because I don’t’ know what’s gonna happen next! Might meet a new friend. Might meet the love of my life!”
These are useful antidotes to any predilection to feeling sorry for yourself.
Reprogram Your Subconscious #5: “I Believe in Great Outcomes to Every Situation in my Life!”
If you tend to worry about the future, start saying this one to yourself. If you believe the opposite, you will see awful outcomes lurking everywhere.
If you believe good things will come, it’s like a headlight – you will illuminate good things ahead, spot them more easily and therefore be more ready to take advantage of them.
Scientists say it’s very, very difficult if not impossible to hold two opposing thoughts in your mind at the same time.
It’s hard to be negative when you fill your mind with these thoughts. So I want you to fill your mind with these thoughts.
In fact, I want you to realize these are not just little old sweet thoughts…
They are COMMANDS to your subconscious mind
And as so, they start re-shaping who you are, internally.
What I have learned teaching hundreds of men and women – your internal thoughts and beliefs inevitably emerge as external expressions – both in your language and in your body language.
Think it’s important enough to pay attention to now?
Architect Your Environment For Success Now that you’ve architected your mind, fed your mind, programmed your mind for success with women and for confidence, now it’s time to take care of your outside environment.
I cannot stress the need for you to TAKE action on this right away and with a ruthless ax.
Because even if you advance your internal world, if you keep feeding your mind with the input of negativity and failure – you will backslide.
Habitual Association with critical people will be enough to sabotage all chances you have for success in life.
That’s a promise.
HANG WITH MEN WHO LOVE WOMEN AND WOMEN WHO LOVE MEN
Especially attract guys who love women and women who love men into your life.
Anyone who is bitter or who complains about relationships – minimize your contact.
What goes into your mind, determines how your mind works, and how your mind works, ends up generating the person you are.
If you want to seem bitter to women – absorb bitterness all the time. If you want to positive and attractive, full your thoughts with these ideas of success for yourself and love of women.
Now, this doesn’t mean “hopeless romantics” In fact, that’s a phrase I avoid in online profiles almost as much as “princess.” Hopeless romantic really means someone who operates on “hope” instead of awareness or enlightenment or self-evolution.
Hope is a terrible thing to build a relationship on, or anything really, because the salvation is always looked from outside, rather than from inside.
When you are an “awakened” romantic or “evolving romantic” – then the responsibility for change will always come from within. And THAT
is the ONLY way to create success – whether in approach, or in relationship.
If a woman says she is a hopeless romantic, challenge her with this idea and offer the more mature solution. I have done this, and they will often say, “wow, I never thought of that before” - - and I guarantee you, that will enhance your authority and attractiveness to her.
If, on the other hand, she hangs on to the “hopeless” passive, waiting dream of everything being made great for her rather than by her – RUN! Fast. In the other direction.
You don’t want that woman in your life.
Focus on What You Want And Arrange Your Life Around It
They say that confident, high achieving people are “in the right place at the right time.” But they put themselves there. They prepare for success.
Now, let’s apply that to women. Maybe your true purpose is to meet a powerful woman and support her. Maybe it’s to find a quiet supportive
women and rest, in this lifetime, with a partner who doesn’t really challenge you much. Maybe it’s to sleep with lots of young women, as highly creative, brilliant men often are happiest doing, whether Picasso, Clinton, Mailer,
The key is – you’ve got to know yourself well enough to know what you REALLY want – what is your true place in the world of women.
I have seen so many men torture themselves trying to get a cold, standoffish “10” just for the win when they’d actually be much happier with a funny, quirky, loving “7.”
Want to have confidence and be successful with women?
Go ONLY for the ones you really want (unless you don’t have mental or emotional attachment to the dance and hunt of it all – then you can step into the arena and just play. But be wary – if you do this too often, you will find that your confidence will begin to fray – because you won’t win the women you truly want, and when you do win women, you’ll quietly chide yourself, “that was too easy,” or will be disappointed because it’s not what you really want.)
Embrace Incremental Confidence Daily
Here’s a section that will be a relief to you. A lot of guys who want to improve with women will instantly try to approach 10’s with the cocky personality of a bad boy.
But chances are you are not a bad boy and the distance between you and Mickey Rourke is a long, long way.
So instead of trying to accomplish too much too fast – thereby undermining your confidence – take smaller step. Viktor Frankl describes 4 types of changes you might want to accomplish.
Easy to Learn but Hard to Do Easy to Learn and Easy to do. Hard to Learn and Easy to Do Hard To Learn and Hard to Do
What do you think will support your evolving confidence best? Where should you invest your energy right now?
That’s right – easy to learn and easy to do.
Take baby steps. There is a Japanese concept called “Kai-Zen” which means pretty much: slow, steady improvement.
True excellence comes from slow steady incremental improvement – there is a constant push upwards, you don’t suffer the leaps and spikes of success than collapse back into some kind of failure.
It gives you an assurance, and a momentum and the feedback on continual success.
As your confidence settles into you it becomes evident in how you carry yourself – confidently, steadily. You will exude personal pride and high self-esteem.
Brain Tracy calls this the Law of Accumulation: every great life or career is the accumulation of thousands of efforts that most people don’t ever see. It always takes tons of preparation to become very good at what you are doing.
In the book, Outliers, it’s shown that most great “overnight successes” need to put 10,000 hours into something to become truly outstanding. The Beatles played 8 hour days or even more in strip joints in Hamburg for years before they broke out in England in the early 60s. By then, they were tight. Immaculate. Confident. How’d that work out for them?
Remember -- Commanding Confidence comes from the law of Incremental Improvement and Accumulation.
Here are quick ways to become the Beatles at success with meeting and attracting women:
Daily Confidence Practice #1: Talk to women all the time. Joke with them, compliment them. Ask them questions. Until talking to women is the most natural thing in the world. Daily Confidence Practice #2: Talk to men too. Befriend them. Bond. Find something to share with them. A true leader of men can communicate with anyone, and can lasso them into a cause when the need arises – from pushing a car to leading a war. Plus they have friends and sisters. Daily Confidence Practice #3: Practice leadership at every opportunity. A leader among men is attractive to women. If there’s a chance to organize a party, or make group reservations at dinner, or lead a charity drive – YOU do it. It may seem insignificant at the time, but your leadership skills and confidence will accumulate till they are the most natural things in the world for you.
“Do what you can with what you have right where you are” -
Eleanor Roosevelt
That is the motto of action takers!
Daily Confidence Practice #4 Invest 3-5% of your income into upgrading your social skills. This could be directly for dating, attraction, sexuality, tantra or it could be leadership skills. The important thing is to constantly tell your subconscious that you are WORTH the investment – and of course to actually incrementally improve your skills at all these things.
Daily Confidence Practice #5: Read Read for at least one hour a day. There are so many great books on male/female psychology, on how to be a great lover, on how to open your heart, on how to achieve deeper spiritual equanimity and wisdom. Again, you’re telling yourself you are worth it, when you invest in your wisdom, growth and personal evolution. Keep a journal of what you learn, highlight books and return to them from time to time. Keep your mind humming with inspirational and powerful messages.
Daily Confidence Practice #6: Learn With Audio Turn your car or commute into a mobile university. Turn driving time into learning time. Listen to the audio of this book or any of
my other books, from Ageless Attraction, Deep Attraction Online, Erotic Mastery etc. Or get great trainings from Allison Armstrong, Carlos Xuma, Lance Mason, David Deida, Charlotte Kasl and guys like that. I also like positive thinking geniuses like John Assaraf, Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill and even that horse of man, Tony Robbins. For a list of these, go to my main page, AdamGilad.com and look for the tab labeled, Resources. Load these books up on your iPhone and play them at double speed.
Daily Confidence Practice #7: Workshops Go to workshops that focus on your personal growth, development and evolution.
You could come to mine, go to Landmark, Sterling Men’s Groups, the Mankind Project (I like those guys!), a Deida Workshop or any of PAX International’s events. All good shit.
I spend at least 10 weeks a year attending workshops and seminars all around the country – and now the world. Is that expensive? Yup. Is it tiring? Sometimes. Does it take me away from my beloved hot tub and social world? Sure.
Is every second I spend at these workshops or seminar valuable? Not always! In fact lets say only 50% was valuable. What about 30%? Let me throw another thing at you - and this is actually closer to the truth.
What if I pick up ONE idea during a weekend that utterly changes my business or gives me a life-changing insight about what I’ve been doing badly with women. Is that worth the whole weekend when I could have been doing other things?
Absolutely. One idea can change your life. One person or contact can change your life. One insight. One practice.
But you’ll never gain that one life-changing idea or practice if you don’t immerse yourself in self-improvement, self-awareness work or workshops. IF you don’t read lots about how to be great with women or how to earn confidence – you won’t find those gems. You must, must, must keep learning, growing, training yourself.
Do these things and you will now be living a life of choice and growth
Your confidence will skyrocket.
The commitment to yourself will help you earn the self-respect, selfesteem and Commanding Confidence that make you irresistible.
If you are on the path and committed to it, you will like yourself.
If, rather, you are lazy, and watch crappy TV and listen to crappy blowhards on your car radio or even just zone out to mediocre music – you will subconsciously begin to hate yourself because you will know (at least NOW you will ) – that you could be building your success and confidence at the moment and have chosen more failure than success.
And you’ll also know that other guys are out there studying, attending workshops, listening to audios and watching DVDs that that teach skills with women.
So they will get the great girls. And you’ll get another night with YouPorn.
Increase Your Likeability to Increase Your Confidence When I work with men, I often discover that holes in their confidence come from the feeling that they are not liked, that they don’t have enough friends and that they feel embarrassed by that fact and that they feel unsupported by others.
Which is why the live intensives we do are so powerful. For many men, this is the first time they can be totally vulnerable and honest with other men, and they feel 100% supported by other guys participating.
Well, if you’re 5’4”, I can’t make you 6’2”
But if you have few friends and want a larger, more supportive social circle, I can help you solve that quickly and efficiently.
When you feel that many people like you and that you are important to others, it leads to an easy sense of Confidence. It’s definitely not the only element to Commanding Confidence, but it is an important one.
Would you like more people to like you? If so, then you must confront the truth that the world doesn’t owe you anything. Your parents should be nice to you. You’re lucky if your siblings are. As for neighbors, classmates, colleagues and strangers – they don’t owe you squat.
Nobody has to like you. You’ve got to earn it. And you earn it by making choices, choices such as the ones I list below.
And the more you earn people’s affection, the more you get to enjoy it, the more positive reflection you will receive from others, increasing your confidence.
Think about it, it’s pretty intuitive: the more people like you, the more bounce will be in your step, the more you will smile, the more you will be reflexively kind toward others and the kinder they will be, in return, to you.
Instant Likability Practice #1: Offer Full Acceptance
You don’t have to define yourself against others. Here’s a secret that you probably know but never realized: most people don’t accept themselves. Egoists, defended girls, shy girls – all of it – it’s a projection of people who don’t accept themselves so they push out something negative so others don’t accept them for who they are. Because if they tried to get others to accept them, they would be worried that their “secret”: would get out – that they are not acceptable somehow. Not good. Not worthy.
If a woman puts herself down, offer acceptance.
Once a woman said, “the breast fairy just never visited me.” I responded, “you are perfectly beautiful.”
One woman brought me home but her place was still full of moving boxes. She apologized, “I know it’s a mess. I’m sorry.” I responded, “You’re a busy girl with a lot of responsibilities. It’s no problem.” And then I constructed a romantic little dinner table out of two boxes, a
towel over them for a tablecloth, and a candle. I turned down the lights and voila! – her box-filled apartment was now a romantic café. She felt not only accepted but tended to.
If someone puts him or herself down, it’s helpful to offer, “Hey, you name one person who’s perfect, and then I’ll let you pick on yourself.” Or there’s a great old story about a woman who came to a wise man and could not get over the death of her husband. The wise man counseled her to travel to every home she could find in every village and when she found the home that had no sorrow, she should come back to him and he would give her the secret to overcoming grief. Of course, she travelled to village after village and could not find a home untouched by sorrow – and that helped soothe her sorrow.
These techniques will help her accept herself, and you will have been the catalyst.
If a woman asks if she looks fat in this dress, “you are beautiful.” If you like her hair, “you are beautiful.” If she said something awkward: “you are perfect just the way you are”
These are not lies; they are reassurances that you accept her exactly as she is – one imperfect being to another, who are both perfectly perfect in their imperfection.
Instant Likability Practice #2: Offer Appreciation
Words of appreciation increase grace, reciprocity, openness, kindness. “What gets thanked, gets repeated.” Make a point of thanking people for the smallest offering or gesture. You want the attitude of gratitude – even if you don’t speak your thanks, say it silently to yourself for all the good things in your life. The fact that you have hot water in your tap, a soft pillow to sleep on, room to walk or run. If you feel sorry for yourself in any way – read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning his memoir of Auschwitz and how certain people were able to persist through that hell by mental choices they made. If those innocents could create gold from shit, you can.
Instant Likability Practice #3: Offer Praise
Hey – what’s a gift you can give that’s free? That’s right – praise.
Ken Blanchard talks about “catching people doing something right” in his book The One Minute Manager. Random moments of praise brings out the best in the people around you. “I love how open you are with me.” “I can’t help notice how you just make people happy without even trying.” “I love how much love you give your pets.”
Praise women in the moment. Just as you want to touch a woman within the first minute you meet her, you want to praise her or
compliment her for something in the moment – it shows boldness, and it’s fresh and honest and authentic. It shows that you are not afraid to be generous with your attention and words. It feels uncalculated and real.
“Men will die for ribbons.” – Napoleon.
Instant Likability Practice #4: Give Your Full Attention
I think I have written about this in every program I’ve written. Listening closely to another person shows that you value them. In addition, we tend to TRUST people who listen to us, in addition to liking them.
Everyone wants to be seen, heard and appreciated. Everybody wants to feel important, if only for the moment. And women especially, live to be seen…
The mistakes many men make include:
1. interrupting when something pops into you mind 2. calculating what to say while she is still speaking 3. fidgeting or making them feel rushed while they speak
4. shooting back a response without a pause (she may just be gathering her thoughts for a moment, or, she may feel that you weren’t really listening)
Ask clarifying questions “let me make sure I heard you right…” “That’s really interesting, what was the best/hardest/whatever part of that? Take her deeper
Practice still, silent, present, patient listening. Try not to move at all as you listen as an experiment, and see how she responds.
Choose Confidence! What follows now are MANTRAS I want you to repeat in your mind as often as possible
Each of these MindScultping Mantras are tools of liberation, tools of empowerment and tools of Confidence.
But most important they are CHOICES you are making every day to shape the kind of man you will be.
The more you repeat these Mantras, the more you will feel and appear supremely Confident.
Mindsculpting Mantra #1: I Am Here To Have Fun/ I am Here To Create Fun
Look the dance of the sexes is a dance, not a flow chart and not an excel spread sheet. If you are just meeting a girl for the first time with no introduction, she needs to trust you, she needs to relax.
The way to ease her into relaxed trust with you is to release any tension, that is naturally going to be there. Laughter releases tension. And by the way, that does not only mean making her laugh – it also means laughing at yourself, cuddling her, enjoying a little child, or laughing at something funny in the room. Just relaxed and easy – and you won’t feel “tense” about whether she likes about you.
Women always say they want a man with a sense of humor because it shows he’s not uptight about his ego, that he doesn’t need to control himself or everything around him, that he’s flexible and enjoys the world rather than tries to dominate it. He’s relaxed. He’s happy.
Feel free to be vulnerable if you get “stuck” in conversation –
“Damn, I’m just not great at this small talk thing. Now we have an awkward silence and now it’s all over between us! Think of all those
grandkids we would have had – not to mention that motorcycle tour of South America!”
Flirtation is one of the two modes you need to employ in your early interactions with women. Flirtation means that you are being playful and light, safe and chummy.
(The second mode is Depth – and here is where you surprise her by taking her deeper than she can even take herself – more on that in the Conversation Module below!)
If you want the world’s best primer on flirtation, wait for Lance Mason, founder of Pickup 101, in the Weekly Audio Modules that is the follow up to this book. He is my favorite teacher of flirtation and fun. I could try to summarize it, and I could create my program, but he’s done such a great job, and he’s tested these techniques out during so many live field trainings with guys, I want you to hear him tell it himself.
Mindsculpting Mantra #2 I am Choosy and I Choose You
So this is a two-part message you are giving to women you choose.
It’s not enough to choose a woman – to let her know that you are choosing her, although the force of your will and your unstoppability is
often effective in flattering a woman into some kind of submission. She WILL consider you because you are evincing strength.
However, there is a first part to it if you want to be eminently effective and that’s the “I am choosy,” preface.
But before we even get to how to communicate this Mindset to women, I want you to communicate it to yourself.
Commanding Confidence Action: Set Your Boundaries:
Who WON’T you date? Write 8 qualities of women you require in a woman and 4 qualities you will not tolerate.
______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________
And now the intolerable 4
______________________ ______________________ ______________________ ______________________
Now, put them into a sentence. Here’s an example.
“I am very choosy about the women I will spend time with. She must be slender, elegant, tomboyish, kind and warm to strangers, curious, enthusiastic about learning, eager to grow emotionally and spiritually, sexually voracious and highly intelligent. And if she is cruel to strangers, materialistic, defended emotionally or ashamed of her body or sexuality, I will not date her, even if she looks like Scarlett Johansen.”
I put that last part in to test myself!!!!
When you KNOW your requirements and you KNOW your standards, and you can repeat them effortlessly, your natural confidence will skyrocket, because you won’t feel like a beggar at life’s table.
You will feel like a chooser, which you must be.
Once you know the “I am Choosy” half of this formula, then it is up to you to actively choose a woman.
Part of it will be how you hold can carry your body. When you approach her, stay eye to eye and do NOT dissipate the emotional tension between you!
The other part is in your words. Here’s an example, and please, feel free to use it as a template, not as the word of God! Play with it…
“I usually don’t go for women before I know something about them, but I decided to come over and introduce myself. There’s something in the way you were smiling with your friends that told me, ‘you’re worth it.’
“I don’t usually go out of my way to talk to women, most of them have nothing to say. But you get it. My name is Chris…”
“I love my life and I love my work and it’s rare I find someone who seems worth my time. My name’s Bill…”
And offer her your hand…
Mindsculpting Mantra # 3: I Assume She Likes and Desires Me
In sales, they call it “assuming the close.” You assume that the mark wants to buy the car when he walks in, and so you shape your patter according to that belief.
Now you are not begging for someone to buy – you are merely casually revealing all the reasons why the buyer wants to make the decision you have already make for him.
In this excerpt from Entrepreneurial Trainer Evan Carmichael, however, you learn that while you can and should assume the close, you should never assume the reason…
The most successful sellers are able to consistently execute the entire selling process in a seemingly natural style. As a result, it is common for them to honestly expect customers and prospects to buy. This attitude is often referred to as "assuming the close," which simply means that we approach each selling opportunity with a tone, demeanor and attitude that implies, "I'm sure when all the facts and options are considered, you'll feel most comfortable doing business with me."
That’s what I want for you. When you do ALL the exercises in this program, including the ones you’ll learn in the Interview series, you will have that tone, demeanor and attitude.
She won’t want to do business with you but the goal is to she will be comfortable dating or spending time with you.
He goes on…
It's important to realize, however, that this expectation is not a result of over-confidence. Instead, it is the result of diligence in executing the earlier steps of the selling process - and of "earning the right" to progress from one step to the next before asking for the order.
Aha! What a coincidence! Let’s see, who spends a good amount of this program showing you how to penetrate beneath the surface, to listen without moving, to ask probing, open-ended questions (see module 4) etc. That would be me.
By the way, it’s why I love online dating so much. You can read so much into a woman’s profile by what she says, what she doesn’t say and how she says what she says… it’s really a way of doing your due diligence.
If your qualifying, probing and listening techniques are wellexecuted, it is likely you'll be able to offer customers and prospects the right solutions to their needs - needs that are
both expressed and identified. If we fail to execute these steps, then closing the sale becomes a guessing-game.
Listen well, and you should be able to deploy the parts of yourself that bond quickly with her. Create rapport around her needs, passions and concerns – always truthfully – and always, if you can, leading her further into her (emotional) needs…
Now, here it gets interesting on another level:
...but Never the Reason
“Each potential buyer is different, and it is our responsibility as sellers to engage in a thorough need assessment before attempting to close the sale. The biggest mistake a seller can make is to assume he or she knows the "reasons" a customer wants or needs to buy - instead, the prudent sales professional conducts a thorough need assessment to confirm these facts.
During this assessment our goal is to identify a prospective customer's needs, priorities and best interests, and to offer solutions that satisfy all three. Ideally, we should never offer a solution until we are sure it is, in fact, the right solution - until we fully understand the reasons why a person or organization should buy our product or service.
Once we're sure of that, it becomes much easier to assume the close - and to close the sale as well. “
This is where your ethical stance comes in.
I once wrote a piece called “From Fucking Everything That Moves To Being Moved By Everyone You Fuck.” The change happened to me several years ago when I was in bed with a beautiful young woman. We had met online and enjoyed each other a lot but as we were making love and talking, it became clear that she really wanted to start a family. She was 31 at the time, and from a traditional family herself. It was my responsibility to not “offer a solution until we are sure it is, in fact, the right solution - until we fully understand the reasons why a person or organization should buy our product or service.”
In other words, it was in her best interest not to be with me because I was not the solution to her needs. So I told her that. I said,
“You know, I really like you. But I’m not going to be the man who marries you and starts another family. So because I like you, I think you should put your efforts into finding another man – the right one for you.”
And believe me, doing the right thing gave me more confidence in myself as a worthy man. As a postscript, we are still friends. I go to her art openings and we stay supportive of each other’s lives.
Mindsculpting Mantra #4: I Am The Steady Sun
“Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give, possesses you.”
- Andre Gide
This is a core mindset for the man of Commanding Confidence. In fact, I would say it is THE core one.
It is the stance to the world that you are here to give not to get.
The more needy you are, the more you are putting out the energy that you need anything or anyone to feel fundamentally whole, the less attractive you will be.
I use as a starting ground, am amazing and short poem by the great Sufi Poet, Hafez:
Even after all this time
The sun never says to the Earth “You owe me” It just shines.”
The sun, you will remember shines all day. It’s always powerful, it’s always full. As you can be, when you stand in the confidence of your integrity.
By contrast, the moon does not create light – it reflects, waxes and wanes. It is dependent. But the sun is steady.
And it asks nothing of the moon.
Chris Rock has a great bit about men’s every offer being an offer for “dick” “Every time a man’s being nice to you, he’s just offering dick. That’s all it is!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiyg87UhL4
Can you offer help, assistance and advice without projecting the need for return?
Try.
Get into the practice of giving.
Tim Sanders, former Chief Solutions Officer of Yahoo!, author speaker and a personal hero of mine writes in “Today We Are Rich” the lesson of his truly amazing, hardscrabble grandma who took him in when he was five, even though she was dirt poor. After giving double the salary to a traveling workman who was down on his luck – because he did such a great job, she turned to little Tim and said…
“Because we were able to share, we’re worth something. By being able and willing to give, we are rich.”
When you give without the need to take, you are demonstrating that you are the source of value.
She had some powerful lessons on confidence…
“Listen to me: Confidence is rocket fuel.. It’ll fill you up and make you believe there will be enough of what you need.”
Confidence is what supplies you with the rocket-fuel to keep firing, to keep giving to being the person of higher value who can keep on giving.
This earned confidence is your source of infinite offering. Like the sun.
For this Mindset Mantra, I want to focus on Sanders’ “Give To Be Rich” concept.
One of my teachers, Satyen Raja, formerly of WarriorSage now of the “Get a Life” company showed me a great exercise – wherein you identify the VERY thing you lacked as a child and then focus on offering it every chance you get.
If your mother didn’t compliment you, compliment people. If you never received little gifts, give little gifts. If you grew up in a humorless house, learn some jokes and tell ‘em and get people laughing.
The healing power of this is tremendous.
[By the way, this works in relationship and intimacy more than anywhere. Where you want more attention, give it; where you want more touch, touch more, etc.]
Sanders calls giving a “Wonder Drug” – it heals, it soothes, it cures. Apparently medicinally!
He cites a Duke University study where they had cancer patients counsel other patients and they recovered at a 60% faster rate than the others.
He writes…
“By its nature, giving requires a focus on other people’s needs, as well as on your assets. This redirects your mind toward strengths and away from weaknesses. In turn, the subconscious responds to this stimulus by deploying an array of chemicals and enzymes that change your mental and physical state.”
Think THAT will increase your confidence?
Now, you may be frustrated with women, dating, your work, your salary – we all get that way from time to time. What is the solution?
Complaining?
No. I want you to take his words seriously…
“When people tell me they need a break, I always recommend a giving break instead of a doing-nothing break. The positive
feedback that surely follows a time of giving will do wonders for their point of view as well as their energy levels.”
How do you give to be rich?
You do it consistently and you do it consciously. By enacting the four techniques below, you will re-structure your life and your mind into one who is the SOURCE of bounty rather than someone who is trying to “get” anything from others, such as, um, women. You will feel more confident, more powerful, more noble, regal and valuable. You will be the Empowered Source of Value.
Empowered Source Technique #1: “I Give What I Most Value”
Don’t give where you don’t believe in it. It dispirits you.
Instead, write down five things you want to see more of in the world. Then rank each on a 1-10 scale.
________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________ ________________________________
Pick the ones that ranked highest and find a way to give your energy and resources to that. If you want to see more education, go teach. If you want to see more environmental protection, get involved. Human rights? Safety for women or abused children? What’s important to you? What can you give toward that end?
Empowered Source Technique #2: “I Give to Empower Others”
– in other words, teach. As he writes, when you give to empower others, you create abundance in their lives, and in the world. And when your giving empowers others, you gain more confidence in them as well as yourself.
It puts you in a good mood because you created more abundance in the world.
Guess what? I spend most of my working life doing what I can to help others find love, intimacy, dates, joy and, with another project of mine, Generation Entrepreneur, wealth and independence as well.
People ask me why I’m always so happy. I think that’s a big part of it. (I am also consciously grateful for my every day on Earth. I’m still blown away by how crazy lucky we are to live. Look up to the sky. Not a whole lot of life up there, at least not that we can see. We are an anomaly in the Universe. And we are all born to relative health and safety compared to the past!}
Empowered Source Technique #3: “I Expect Nothing in Return”
This is the whole “shine like the sun” principle, restated. Someone asked an entrepreneur friend of Sanders why he spent a whole afternoon talking to and teaching a young guy and he said,
“I did it for the same reason the dog sleeps all day – because I like to do it and because I can!”
As Sanders writes…
“That is the only way to give. When you give and then expect a return on your investment, you are an investor. When you give only for the love of giving, you are a generous person.”
Now, sometimes people will take what you give and never thank you. I found a story about a teacher called Ron Clark. He was an amazing dude from N Carolina who wanted to get out, heard about a school in Harlem that couldn’t keep teachers, and crazy cracker boy that he was, drove up to NY to teach there. He ended up turning that school around.
As a writer and producer in Hollywood, I found him, got his rights, had him pitch the story to the studios, introduced him to my literary agent where he got his first book deal – and created a bestseller that made him millions.
We also got him a movie deal – and the film was made for TNT with Matthew Perry.
He didn’t even thank me in his book! He didn’t send me a gift when he made his first million!
I could be pissed. But this guy took the money and parlayed it into an academy for underprivileged kids in Atlanta, raised more money from Oprah and is building more academies based on his principles.
So although my ego would have liked the nod, and maybe a Mercedes in my driveway from him, my helping hand created many more helping hands.
Plus I did get an Emmy nomination as Executive Producer.
I could stew over him not thanking me in his book, but it’s not worth it.
Good was done. I’m happy.
Mindsculpting Mantra #4: “I Give All The Time”
Giving like gratitude is a muscle. The more you work it out, the more natural and stronger that muscle will be.
Sanders tell how his grandmother always had butterscotch candy in her bag for little kids. When someone in her community hit hard times, she would just reflexively help out. Didn’t have to think about it.
“Givers give all the time not only to improve at it, but because it’s a must in the world we live in.”
Seek the opportunity to help others, to give, you offer your power to help those who need help. Look for giving opportunities daily, three times a day should be your minimum.
You will feel much better about yourself, your confidence will build naturally, and women will admire your natural state of “kingship” – he who is empowered offering his bounty freely.
I don’t care what you say – that’s hot!
Mindsculpting Mantra #5: “I am a Desirable Erotic Being”
Believe me, I know. It’s not so obvious. When I think about desirable erotic beings, I think of yoga teachers and Victoria’s Secret catalogues. Duh.
My mind doesn’t flow first to my own body.
But… fortunately… you and I are guys and there are girls out there who happen to find what we have, attractive! They like our muscles. They like the hair on our faces. They like our genitals, god help them.
They find men erotic. That’s how they are programmed and that’s how this wacky species propagates.
So you have to start with that belief: that women sexually desire your body.
If you are overweight or flabby or skin and bones – well, yes, get to the gym, get a trainer, get fit, lose weight and MORE women will sexually desire your body. You’d be a fool not to IMPROVE your odds.
But even fat guys, short guys, skinny guys get women! There really is someone for everyone. Women have different tastes, thank god!
Nevertheless, the fundamental principle remains: there are women who desire you.
This is the key to never ending up in the famously dreaded “Friend Zone.” The way I teach it, there is no Friend Zone until YOU create it.
If you keep the Mindset Mantra in your mind that you are a sexual being, and you carry yourself that way, women WILL follow your lead.
Not ALL women – but SOME women!
Fortunately, you don’t need all women.
Attraction is PRIMAL. You only have to lead her along.
That means you do not hide. You do not slump. You stay big-chested and take up room with your arms and legs when you sit.
It means you TOUCH her shoulder in the first moment, you sweep her hair aside while she’s talking, you take her hand and admire her delicate fingers.
You demonstrate that you are a sexual being and that she is a sexual being and that nothing in the world is more natural that your natural attraction to each other.
Remember: how you live your life is how you train others to conceive of you and treat you. This is a corollary to Assume the Close:
Assume Attraction
As you lead, so, often, they will follow.
Mindsculpting Mantra # 6: This is PLAY NOT WORK, a Dance Not a War
This is play not a contest. This is fun, not war.
There is no punishment for screwing up or having self-doubt.
The only punishment comes when you take no action! The punishment is that you make no advances in your life.
I see so many get so down on themselves about mucking up approaches to women. Please don’t. Being Commandingly Confident doesn’t mean that doubt disappears.
Says Chris Rock, reflecting on his career…
“There’s doubt all the time. One of the best compliments I ever got was Conan saying to me, “you know what I like about you? You’re smart enough to be scared. So many guys come on cocky, they don’t want to go over their stuff, they wont do a pre-interview. You’re always smart enough to be worried till the last minute. “ – Esquire Mar 2011
Being Commandingly Confident is exactly that: “smart enough to be scared.” And taking the stage anyway and taking action toward your goal, in our case, building confidence.
Sidestep your ego and get into action. That’s the key.
As long as you’re stepping into your fear and taking action after action, you can be confident that you are on the right road. And you will just get better and better at what you do.
Mindsculpting Mantra #7: “I Live Abundance!”
There are two ways to live: scarcity or abundance.
Imagine that, after having gone four months without a date, you're getting ready to meet a woman for a drink. Feeling nervous? Of course you are!
But what if you had dated three different women that same week, been texting with three others you just met online, and flirted and got the numbers of a couple of women at Whole Foods that afternoon.
You would be burgeoning with confidence – and you wouldn’t really care how the date turned out! You would feel super-empowered to drive the conversation your way instead of trying to please her and answer her questions. You would qualify her. She would feel you as a man of choice and of confidence!
Which is why I counsel abundance! Get your ass online. Read my book Deep Attraction Online – www.DeepAttractionOnline.com - because it
WILL show you how to stand out from every other man online by offering women a powerful and unexpected dose of strength, direction, heart, humor, leadership and edge.
When I first got single, and hadn’t dated in 20 years (!!!!!), I lined up 5 girls a weekend. I had lunch dates, I had first date at 7 and the closer at 9 or 10 every time I went out. I practically had a spreadsheet to keep track of women.
I needed that to boost my ego and confidence, because it was pretty shattered. Also, I couldn’t believe how awesome it was to sleep with dozens of women after a long, unhappy marriage. Simply put, it was fun!
Fast forward to now… when something doesn’t work out with a woman, I have the absolute confidence that I can get back online and meet 10 women in a week, because I have mastered that skill. I can go to a meetup and meet 5 women because I know how to bring confident conversation (that module is coming up!).
I don’t get nervous because I live abundance.
And women feel that confidence. They know that if THEY don’t live up my standards, they will be out. That’s the position you want to be in.
Grounded confidence backed up by true facts.
A Special Message for Introverts Introversion is a habit and can be changed.
There are two parts to it, plain and simple.
And like everything else in this program – both parts involve you creating a feedback loop of (1) self-talk and (2) concrete action.
(1) SELF-TALK FOR INTROVERTS
Self-talk involves many of the exercises here: “I am worthy, no matter how anyone responds” “I am a bringer of good.” “I am a good person.” “I am an attractive man.” “I treat people well, and they are grateful that I make their day better/ when I smile at them/say a kind word/ help them out.”
What you need to do is repeat these like mantras to yourself, consistently and with conviction. Remember, you are probably counteracting years of training foisted upon you by parents and others with opposing messages. So you need to countervail them steadily and often.
If you have to write them on 3x5 cards and post them all over your house, do it.
If you can have them scroll as screensavers on your laptop, do that.
Keep those thoughts flowing all the time through your mind.
(2) CONCRETE ACTION FOR INTROVERTS
The second part is just to go about living these affirmations.
Actually BE that bringer of good. Smile at people. Say good morning! Sing when you walk. Compliment someone on her dress, her beautiful baby, the way she helped another person.
Be the noticer of good – a Johnny Appleseed of good feeling.
You are the bestower of good feeling. And guess what? You possess an infinite supply of good feeling! You can keep bestowing good feeling and never, ever diminish your store of bounty. THAT is power! That is wealth. That is value.
The feedback you will get, consistent smiles and good feeling back will coax you out of your habitual shell. You’ll see the world as a good place, even if your dad was brutal, your mom was critical or your brothers oppressive. Not everyone is like that…
You CREATE The World of People Around You
By What You Offer First…
I wish I could make this more complicated. But it really is simple… The more you just take the actions of non-introversion – greeting and complimenting, smiling and doing small actions for the benefit of others, you will overcome whatever messages you absorbed while young that told you weren’t worthy or good enough.
The very fact that you are reading this book means that you are already a man in motion –
- that you are self-improving, that you CARE, that you are in the process of waking up to living a better life, unlike the countless drones watching crappy TV and zoning out.
Continue your self-talk. Write them out on index cards and flip through them when you wake up in the morning next to your bed, or over breakfast. SEE these messages as often as possible, because they are true and you will absorb their truth little by little the more you see them.
Ignore them and you will remain in stasis, exactly where you are right now.
Likewise, do the actions I mention above EVERY SINGLE day. If you are super-shy, then start with 5 actions a day, then build up to 10, 20, 50. Why not? You only have the world to gain. And nothing at all to lose.
It’s all about nudging yourself out of the status in which you are now.
You don’t have to become superman tomorrow, but you can become more super every day a little bit more so that your introversion will simply vanish like forgotten smoke.
You WILL be a new person, and you will LOOK FORWARD to going out into public because suddenly, all interaction is an opportunity to give good feeling – and receive positive, warm feedback.
(Side Note: One of the best movies ever, partly because she is so sexy and cute is Amelie – wherein her discovery that she can create delight and inspiration in people’s lives gives her a rebirth – and allows her to find love. An AMAZING date movie, by the way, if you’re inviting a girl over to watch… but do see it. It can change your whole attitude and life!)
Mindsculpting Mantra #8: She is Insecure About Something
Beauty is a powerful thing. It makes sane men insane and rational men… insane.
You say dumb things, stumble for words, berate yourself.
A Playboy bunny friend of mine once demonstrated her nuclear bomb technique, turning to a random man at a hotel bar and just “exploding” her radiance.
“Hi!!!!!!!!” she beamed, and the guy practically dropped his drink. You could see his mind racing: “who is this? Do I know her? Wow! She likes me! Why! What did I do!?””” His face looked both confused and like he’d won the lottery
But it’s just beauty. It’s just surface. You’ve got to look beyond her looks
In www.DeepAttractionOnline.com - I give the story of Harold and Kumar when the gorgeous girl is in the next bathroom stall and gets the “Taco shits.” She bleats and farts her way through about a full minute – and suddenly her ethereal beauty is not so ethereal.
Every beautiful woman knows her imperfections. She knows she pukes and farts and drools when she sleeps. She knows about the slight thing in her eyebrow that you probably don’t notice but bothers her. She likely doubts her intelligence or wit or empathy – and hopes that no one notices. She’s probably aware that men don’t really care about her and are just trying to fuck her. So she probably feels, as a human being, invisible or worse, disregarded.
Get it?
She’s a mess just like everyone else.
When you develop your relaxed, confident body and mindset, when you learn the approach and conversation techniques in the next modules, just approach a beautiful women the same way you’d approach an 80 year old – as your bad self.
Mindsculpting Mantra #9 “I Practice All The Time”
Practice, practice, practice
If you wanted to become a world-class tennis player, would you hit the court only on weekends? Of course not.
You'd play every day for hours if you wanted to really improve your skills. The same kind of dedication is required to develop your confidence around women.
Talking to a few women here and there is like dipping your toe in, and it's a great strategy if you want to stay awkward, shy or hesitant.
But if you want to feel more confidence around women, then you need to do something radically different. Start chatting up women every day, wherever you are, whoever you are with.
Joke with them, notice that cashier’s wild earrings. Comment that someone looks bored or that you would be she is ready to get off her shift.
Observe and comment, offer compliments, make them laugh. If someone is great with you, give them a hug!
Simply get used to interacting with every woman you meet, whatever her age.
This is possibly the best advice you’ll ever get if you get nervous around women or lack in confidence.
You will quickly develop that comfort with all women that confident men don’t even think twice about!
Mindsculpting Mantra #10: “I Step Right Into My Fears”
By continually doing what you fear, you'll not only get over the things that are holding you back, you'll gain pride from conquering your challenges.
Every time you win one of these little "battles," you'll get an instant boost to your self-esteem. And trust me: Women will notice.
If you want to know what a person who doesn’t step into his fears looks like, Youtube “Guilty Dog Denver” – and imagine your face over Denver’s every time you back off from stepping up, stepping in and living boldly.
If you fear approaching woman, don’t hesitate and approach the next one in 3 seconds.
If you are afraid of heights, jump from a plane.
If you are afraid of singing in public, drive to a karaoke bar where no one knows you and do the same song 10 times until you are comfortable.
I’ll tell you something, being a parent cures you of not stepping into your fear. I have shot up trees, dived into stairwells, ran my ass off to save my wandering feral son! A parent doesn’t hesitate.
Neither should you – parent yourself! Step into the fire when fear rises.
Remember, in every hero’s tale, the hero doesn’t TRANSFORM until he goes into the place of death, bones everywhere, kills the dragon and
leaves with the treasure. That dragon always represents fear, always represents the fear that is keeping the hero in his current state – and until he kills the dragon, he can’t grab the treasure.
The treasure is your new confident life.
By the way, and this may be obvious, but if you intend to ever get into an enduring intimate relationship – you WILL be stepping into your pain all the time. Because intimacy means parts of you will come up, fears, selfdoubts, masks – that you’ve been able to hide until now – but which are no longer hideable in the light of intimacy.
So get your practice now. Whenever you feel a fear arise – step into it boldly.
Caveat: obviously I’m not talking about inflicting bodily damage on yourself.
Mindsculpting Mantra # 11: “I Do The Right Thing”
It's difficult to be confident in yourself if you don't respect yourself, and self-respect comes from establishing a reputation as a good human being by doing the right thing. This is about living according to your values, whatever they may be.
On the big things – murder, thievery etc, you’re probably ok.
But then there are those little things: not cutting in line, giving someone your full attention. Turning down sex with a woman who thinks you might fall in love with her when you know you never will.
Choosing to live in integrity will give you a feeling of self-respect that translates into effortless strength and confidence around women.
Mindsculpting Mantra #12: I Grab Every Opportunity to Lead
Be a leader. In small ways. In big ways. In every way you can.
Someone’s gotta make dinner reservations? You do it. Someone’s gotta get the hours of a movie? You. Needs to research a social event? Needs to organize something. You. You. You.
You’re not making yourself useful – you are exercising your leadership muscle.
Everyone knows that confident men are leaders, and also that confident men tend to be more giving, more “in service” -- so if you want to boost your confidence, you should become a leader in every way you can. Be
the "man with the plan." You are the man who has a plan ready for any woman you meet.
I talk about this elsewhere but let me remind you here: have a social schedule in your mind, and on your phone. Know parties coming up, meetups coming up, speakers, concerts, events of all kinds. Festivals, wine tastings – keep a schedule. When you meet a woman and you find that you both like the same kind of music you can say – “hey next Thursday there’s a blues concert at XYZ – why don’t’ you join me.” Boom – you’re leading, you’re not asking for a date.
“Hey, there’s a great tasting of Napa Zins next Friday – I’m going, why don’t you join me?”
In these cases, you are leading with specificity.
You NEVER want to "ask" a woman what she wants to do on a first date, or even if she wants to go on a first date. You demonstrate you have life under your control when you are on top of an active potential social schedule – it may seem weird at first, gathering this information and jumping in to help -- but keep it up and it will soon be second nature to be the "take-charge" man that women look for.
And finally, coming back to where it all begins – your body. Because you are in it, you can’t escape it, and it is the vehicle of all you are….
Mindsculpting Mantra #13: “I am Proud of My Body – And I Reflect That Pride in My Care of It”
Improving your body language – but also your fashion and grooming -is the simplest way to improve your confidence with women. When you feel like you're "looking good," you send out a positive, sexy vibe that women feel. We have covered body language in the first module. Here I want you to take very specific actions regarding your grooming.
a. Get a regular haircut – no less than every 6 weeks. Get a real stylist, someone who understands the relationship of hair to the shape of your face. Keep the back of your neck clean and shaven at all times. b. Trim any nose or ear hair daily! c. Trim your fingernails and toenails. No yellowness, no roughness. Women love neatness in these areas – and if you want, go to a nail salon for the famous mani-pedi. Can’t say I’ve ever done it, but many men do it and many women love it on men. d. Get your teeth whitened. Why would you want yellowing teeth? It’s an instant attraction creator. e. Body hair – well, its definitely the trend to trim or “manscape.” Some women like really hairy men, but on the whole, its not so true. You do NOT have to go bare-chested or wax or anything
extreme but ask at the appropriate shop which is the best body-hair trimmer and lighten the hair around your genitals, on your stomach, chest, back or butt – depending on your taste – and where you live. When you get into a relationship, ask her what she likes and trim accordingly. I let my women know exactly what I like re. body hair and it’s a way for them to show their love and consideration. Return the favor. You want to turn her on, no? f. Cologne? Yes – lightly. And only high quality stuff. Go to a major department store and work with the pretty girl behind the counter – get her reaction to each but make your own decision in the end. Some scents are fresh and young and outdoorsy, and some are sophisticated. I have each, and use them according to the date, the event and the time of year.
FOUNDATION III COMMANDING CONVERSATION Commanding Conversation Derives From Grounded Character
Confidence, ultimately, is inextricably rooted in your character.
Not in the conveyance of your character.
It flows from the man you are. How you spend your time. How you’ve spent your time – exploring or hiding. How you treat others. How you’ve walked into your fear or shied away.
If flows from what you are accomplishing on your own scale of what is important to you – physically, career-wise, morally, emotionally, in terms of personal development and your role in other people’s lives.
How proud you are of hitting your highest goals in each of these realms.
What kind of son, brother, neighbor, colleague you are. How well you feel into other people in your life, how deeply you sense them, allow yourself to empathize, how much you give thought to others’ realities -and therefore how deep your insights into human pain, yearning, sorrow, joy are.
What stories you have to tell -- based on your paying attention to others.
The more you hit your ongoing goals (they are moving targets!) the more unshakable confidence you will embody and effortlessly transmit.
Two Modes of Leading: When Do You Flirt? When Do You Go Deep?
A lot of guys ask me what they should talk about with women after an initial approach.
As always there are two levels:
The Flirtatious
Depth
I happen to be a fan of mixing them up. When a woman asks me my sign, I usually say, with utmost sincerity, “Yield” or “No Exit” but then, if it’s important to them, add, “Gemini.”
There is a time to keep flirting – and keeping up the social tension – and there is a time to leave flirtation behind and meet a woman heart-toheart, soul-to-soul. Only you can tell when you need to employ which mode.
Here is one clue on how to handle the transition, and as, always, it means taking the lead.
Say you are joking and flirting and messing around, but suddenly she injects some true depth into the conversation. Say she mentions she’s tired of being hurt – this is your sign to drop the flirtation and take her even deeper than she just asked you to be.
Here is an example from a text conversation I recently had with a stunningly beautiful young woman who gets hit on constantly. I met her online, took her to a nice dinner. We had a blast – really funny and smart girl – and we laughed our way through the whole thing. Our second date ended up in an unexpected (by me!) but very passionate encounter in her apartment.
The next day, we were lightly flirting by text -- when the conversation took a heavy, serious “real” turn. Now, before you read this, I want you to know that I am in fact, looking forward to finding one great partner with whom to journey into the next phase of my life. So my answers to her are all genuine and truthful. I want you to watch the modulation of flirtation and seriousness, and how I take her call for depth even deeper…
Her: What do you see me as? Me:
A mother substitute.
Her: That’s gross. Me:
Grandmother?
Me:
Is that better?
Her: No. Me:
Mopster substitute (that’s her dog who joined us in bed
unexpectedly) Her: I will treat you as my grandchild, then. Me:
Yay! Cookies!
Her: But that is all you will get, if you are a bad boy. And maybe a time out. Me:
Yes, my dominatrix
(Any time a woman pulls “power” on me, I call her a dominatrix or say “Yes Mistress” – to playfully alert her that this will not be an acceptable way of communicating with me. Also, if they “tell” me to do something, I reframe the statement into a question. For example: if she says, “Get me a fork.” I respond: “Would you like me to get you a fork?” I do it playfully but I am very clear that I do not take orders – from anyone.. On the other hand, that I am happy to help when asked.)
Her: Hey! I’m your grandmother. Me:
Can I talk to Mopster now? He’s not as weird as you.
Her: Mopster is SO cute! I love him. He is sleeping next to me now. I am still in bed. Me:
By the way, you are mine. I put a deposit on you at
Match.com. Her: I am not something to buy. Me:
Tell that to Match! Cost me three goats and Ford Focus!
Her: They are ripping you off! You are supposed to give me 5 million directly. Me:
5 million goats is a lot of goats.
Her: Dollars, not goats! Me:
ps – I like you.
Her: Why are you talking to me like that? This is Mopster, talking!
(Here’s the tonal switch)
Her: Why do you like me? Her: I don’t want to be a booty call. Me:
bc you are smart and funny and playful…
Me:
… and nutritious
Her: ok. Her: you forgot psycho. Her: how many women are you dating?
(Ok so that last one was a question from insecurity, and I don’t know what she is fishing for exactly – but I do know that it’s not really from her heart. I needed her to reframe this. So, not wanting to be robotically answering her and following her, I decided to play a bit. Otherwise, she would own me and lose respect for being too obedient.)
Me:
3 and a half.
Her: why half? Me.
Machete accident.
Me:
But I got the good half, so it’s all good.
Her: You’re a nut. Me:
That’s why we go together so well. Also bc I’m so hot.
Her: No! I am the hot one!
Me:
Yr acceptable
Me:
Yr the nerdy one.
Her: True, I am nerdy.
(Ok – so that was a little play, making sure she doesn’t pull her “hot” card on me. I won’t fall into that position, of being submissive because she’s model-quality. Now, notice, here comes the switch again – but this time it’s for real. Please note, all kidding aside, this is a heartful, beautiful good woman, speaking from her true heart, so I meet her there with the full power of my full authenticity.)
Her: Promise me you won’t hurt me – I’m so done being hurt Me:
I respect that. Tell me exactly what you need.
Me:
I really like you. So tell me everything you need and I will
never lie to you. Her: Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Me:
Got it. That’s #1. Deal.
Her: And help me unpack (she just moved) Me:
I’ll have to call my lawyer on that one.
Her: Men love to woo me but they can’t back up what they say to me. Her: I want a grown-ass man who knows what he wants. Her: I want someone I can trust my life 2 and vice versa Me:
I understand.
Her: Good
Her: What do you want?
Here is where I let the flirtation go 100% and take her beyond what she asked for. I lay out my deepest desires in a truthful way that I know will lead her even more deeply into thinking about what I would be like as a partner. The key for you is to see that here I take the LEAD.
Me:
A lot.
Me:
Honesty. Depth. Sweetness. Laughter. Kindness.
Her: That’s me! Me:
Endless sensual bliss and deep connection
Me:
The kind of love and connection, devotion and mutual
celebration that poets write about. Her: Sounds good. Her: … and a huge walk-in closet.
Notice, I am not the one who broke the emotional tension of depth. She mentions the walk-in closet bc now she feels comfortable that I’m not a player or surface guy – that I really can offer the kind of coming-hometo trust she truly desires. Of course, I notice that she couldn’t stay in that very serious place. She was testing and is satisfied, but she didn’t go deeper with me. I’m watching closely now, to see where she goes. What happens next is interesting. She had to go to work. Then, after a short while, after mulling what transpired, she continued the conversation. Now remember, we had only gone out twice. I was
traveling across the country, so it’s a bit odd that we had this conversation by text, but hey, that’s 2011!
Her: I am looking for something serious, not play.
Her message was for real. So here, I ratchet up the stakes even more, because I know she is serious. She is testing me so I take the lead even more commandingly, raising the stakes and asking for something more by adding the word “extraordinary” and letting her know that she’s not only qualifying me, but I am qualifying her. No mistaking that here! This is the voice of boldness that women want. It is the voice of Commanding Confidence
Me:
Me too. I had my play. I am seeking one extraordinary woman for an extraordinary life
Me:
I don’t do mediocre well.
Her: Do you want marriage again? Marriage till the grave? If not, please tell me now so I don’t get attached. Me:
Yes. Absolutely. For my extraordinary equal.
Me:
But I am very, very picky.
Her: Good Her: Good Me:
I require reeeeeeealy deep and open evolution
Me:
A deep curiosity rather than arguing
Me:
I don’t fight and I don’t hurt.
Her: Ok Me:
I want amazing love and daily celebration
Me:
What do you want? What experience? Day by day?
Her: I am nice – too nice – people always take advantage of me. Her: Yes, I want that 2. Her: I want happiness. Her: I want happiness. Her: Someone I can talk to Her: Someone who will let me be silly Her: Someone who will make good on their word Her: Someone I can share all with Her: The good and the bad.
Notice how I really gave it all. I opened both barrels. I wanted for her to feel my overwhelm. That I really meant it. That I held a high vision for love. As you may know from my other works, I take true intimacy very seriously, as a powerful spiritual arena – not just a convenient partnership. So I have the vision to offer when a woman asks what she wants. I don’t give a standard offer. I lead her with vision and see if she can go that kind of distance with me. She left to go to work but when she poked me later with…
Her: Boo! Me:
boo? You already scare me.
Her: Good.
Me:
Tell me your three best qualities as my beloved, worshipped wife.
Notice – here is a really great girl who has clearly been hurt and lied to in the past. We got very sexual very fast and now she was worried. I actually really liked her. So I was not going to mess around with her.
She wants to play for high stakes, I will meet her there – and that’s why I immediately began qualifying her and bringing her back to the depth of our previous discussion almost right away. I made a joke first so I don’t come off as psycho-serious – but then I took it right to “okay, you want marriage? I am going to be the best husband you will ever know (“my beloved, worshipped wife”) – so what are you bringing to the table.
I’m letting her know that I am indeed a serious man and suitor, but not in any way a pushover or an easy catch – most important – I’m not a follower and it’s not her decision alone. This assertive approach is especially important with especially beautiful women because most men just fall to their knees and do whatever they are told by them.
Speaking from Earned Self-Esteem I want you to embody Commanding Confidence. It is the kind of confidence that cannot be shaken out of you from the outside. It grows
from your earned authority, basically from stuff you are doing. Dynamic growth and action-taking in your life.
You know what women hate? Small talk. This is big talk. Talk that enlarges her, that makes you feel bigger, badder, stronger.
What you want to avoid is being that boring guy who doesn’t know what to say after he says, “So what’s your name? Where are you from?”
Here are a few quick conversational starters or amp-uppers you can enact right away that grow out of earned Confidence. When you ACT, when you ARE of higher value rather than merely trying to demonstrate it, your authority and enthusiasm for life will naturally inform your conversation. In other words, you will have something powerful and meaningful to talk about –and that also makes you feel good when you talk about them. I’ve also given examples of the kinds of natural responses women give and how that flows into natural conversation.
Conversation Value-Add Framer #1:
Here’s a template for amping up a conversation if you are expanding your understanding of women, relationships and yourself (note – this is a great subject. Women generally LOVE to talk about relationships, more so than about say Guns, Steel and Germs.)
You: “So I’ve been reading this great book called “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps.” It shows how we have different brains but men and women are always blaming each other for being different. Like, women will say things like “if you really loved me, you’d know what I’m thinking.” But men actually don’t know. We haven’t developed intuition over the centuries…”
#1 Her: That’s so true! I knew this guy…. I have this girlfriend… #2 Her: I can’t read maps! #3 Her: lets get back to the Men Don’t Listen part! It sounds like a big fat excuse. Book was written by a guy, I’ll bet! (it was written by a couple)
Conversation Value-Add Framer # 2
If you’ve pushed your edge and stepped into your fear (which you should do often and on a regular basis…)
You: “Sorry – I got distracted. I was just looking at that plane. Y’know about a month ago I did my first jump. Know why? Because it’s the single thing that scares the shit out of me more than anything.” #1 Her: Wow, what was that like? #2 Her: Cool – I did that last year. And just before, I …. #3 Her: Awesome, that’s sexy #4 Her: Awesome! Which jump site?
#1 You, following up: what’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done? #2 You, following: what something you secretly want to do but are scared to? (this is s fun one, because it opens up her fantasy life – she may even go sexual)
Conversation Value-Add Framer # 3 If you’ve just completed any kind of admirable goal, clink up your glass…
You: “Give it here, we’re celebrating…”
(She will clink and also ask why she’s celebrating with you. Notice, it’s “we’re celebrating, not “I’m” celebrating. This is how you include her in your circle. You do not say why until she asks…)
Her: What are we celebrating? You: I just finished my first iron man competition… Her: that’s awesome (thinking “this guy’s gotta got amazing thighs”)
You: I just helped my favorite niece move into her first apartment… Her: that’s so sweet! (thinking: what a sweet helpful guy, I `never meet guys like that)
You: Aww - she’s amazing. She just finished college and…
Note: a confident man doesn’t brag about himself – he praises the great qualities of others. In this way, you show you don’t need to bloviate about you, but you get the reflected glory by praising the people who are in your life and who clearly value you!
You : I just finished a charity ride – raised 20G for Breast Cancer research… Her: Congratulations. That’s really awesome you did that. My favorite aunt died of… You: I’m so sorry. What was she like? Why was she your favorite – what were those qualities that made her so special to you?
You: I just finished my course on learning French Her: (naturally) – “Why are you learning French? You: I’m going to ride through Provence/ I’m taking a chef’s course/ etc
The point here – whatever you are DOING in your life, you can lead her into conversation by inviting her into a celebration of it.
You take time to notice her…
Taking the same clinking of the glass situation at a cocktail party, bar, pub or even at a fast food place!
“Give it here, we’re celebrating…” Her: What are we celebrating?
#1 You: Those bitchin’ boots/shoes (that she’s wearing) #2 You: Friday – you look like you’re ready for the weekend #3 You: Whoever it is who’s late or standing you up. I noticed you’ve been watching the door.
Notice in all of the above conversation starters, you’re not fishing for information about her. You’re not digging. You’re offering something up, and allowing her to reveal herself in the embrace of the personally relevant information you’re giving her.
In short – she is now inside the frame of your world.
21 Confident Conversation Tactics … Commitments That Will Make You A Conversation Commando!
So, we have discussed in the previous modules what your inner Mindset Mantras should be to increase your daily confidence.
Here, I want to add Conversational Commitments or Tactics specifically to increase your conversational acuity – and you’ll see that I have added very specific techniques appended to each so you’ll know exactly what to say and how to say it.
The point of this whole program is not to “give you confidence.”
Only you can give yourself confidence.
So the point of this program is to give you both the mental and physical and vocal practices that will relentlessly build your natural and commanding confidence.
It won’t all happen in a day, but if you stay with the Mindsculpting Mantras and the Conversational Tactics you’re about to read, I promise
you, you will not only feel different, but women will react to you utterly differently.
Remember – confidence is a feedback loop involving behavior and response to behavior – so every effort in the right direction supports your journey into being a powerful presence with women.
Note: I have listed these Commanding Confidence Conversational Commitments in the language of selfassertion, which is how you should learn them, repeat them to yourself and make a natural part of your mindset. If you need to, print these out, and review before you go to a social event.
Confident Conversation Tactic #1: “I Own My Will, And Do Not Apologize” For now on, when I assert myself, your thoughts, feelings and will, as long as they are not grounded in hate or fear, but rather in beneficence, boldness and love, protectiveness and care, I will own my actions and my speech – without fail, without hesitancy, without apology.
Look, if you have hurt someone because you were acting out of ego or fear, apologize!
But you do not apologize for “yourself” and you do not explain your
choices or behavior.
As a former Stanford teacher of writing and screenwriter for years, I am extremely sensitive to language – which has been very helpful for me to help identify where men are leaking insecurity. Following are three ways in which men subconsciously communicate their lack of selfconfidence. Remove all three from your speech patterns right away! 1. Using diminishment words. It’s in the culture, so it’s not your fault. A confident man uses words carefully and each as a tool to communicate his meaning. He doesn’t diminish his will, intent and power by using words like “kind of” “sort of” and “a little.” Also avoid “like: as in “like, I was all at this bar.“ Speak with direct language. If you choose your words carefully and without filler words, you will come across as valuing your communication. You will be perceived more as a man worth listening to. 2. Don’t change your mind instantly to please another. If you state an opinion, stay with it for the moment. If someone offers an interesting counter argument, you can absolutely say, “that’s very well said, I’m going to think that over.” If they just offer a countertaste, as around some kind of music or food, don’t change. If you REALLY don’t like something, stay with it. 3. The interrogative voice-lift. It’s amazing. It’s a feminine trait that has found its way into men’s speech patterns. When you ask a question, you will find that your voice tone naturally rises. You can hear it in the classic, “Once… I went to band camp…? “ The voice raise at the end of your sentence is a way of “asking” a
person to stay involved – rather than stating something with masculine firmness. So watch the tone of your voice at the end of your sentences. Try to end with a downward rather than an upward intonation.
For me, there is an iconic moment in Get Shorty, where Travolta asserts his totem line, “Look at me,” and Hackman asks, “Why should I look at you?” Travolta simply answers, “Because I want you to.”
“Because I want you to.”
This clean assertion of will, by a man who has a plan, confidence and just plain balls in the face of the unknown, gathers everyone he meets into his orbit. He doesn’t explain his behavior. He doesn’t boast or try to prove anything – in his case, because he knows his internal abilities. He doesn’t really show a lot of violence, even when confronted.
His strength is in his confidence and his confidence is in his skill in knowing others. His assumption is that you will either play his game, or you will, in some way, eventually, lose and he can very quickly tell which way you will go.
The important part for you is that you genuinely have to not care if a woman likes you or not. Your job is to be your best self, the self you are most proud of, most comfortable being. Asserting your needs and
wants and following up on them no matter what others do. You do not shift course to suit others.
I told the story of the woman in France. When I told her I was going off without her, she asked” But don’t you want to get to know me better? My answer was simply: No.
I offered no explanation beyond that.
“I Shall Hereby Remove the Term ‘sorry’ or ‘I’m sorry’ From my Speech (unless I am Actually Apologizing).”
You’d be amazed how often men and women subconsciously apologize for themselves – you can hear it in their speech. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt” “Sorry, but you do you have a match? “ Sorry, can I ask you a question?”
Take out all language that diminishes you, that makes you small, apologetic or “less than.” Any words that make you tentative and make yourself now a powerful, direct speaker. Here are some words to ACTIVELY remove from your conversations…
Maybe, might, somehow, hope, no offense but, just saying, a bit, kind of, sort of, probably…
Confident Conversation Tactic #2: “I Commit to Vigorously Create New Social Circles”
Use Meetup.com to create new friendships. Try the singles groups, or just try the activity groups. Remember, everyone you meet is like a pebble dropped in water, with many ripples around them of other people – namely, women. Actively friend your friends on Facebook and stay active in their lives – then throw your own party – at a bar or beach or lake or whatever with all your new peeps. And tell them to invite their friends. Suddenly, your life will be full of women. And you will feel less “clingy” and “needy.”
An Action Note On Abundance Mentality and “Not Caring.” Brent Smith, my friend and well-known dating guru, is famous for his phrase, “the difference is indifference.” What this means is not that you don’t care about people, but that their opinion doesn’t upset your cart – it doesn’t change how you feel about yourself. This is why you MUST have multiple women in your life, you must build yourself overlapping social circles and stay active within them. Whether it’s a few meetup groups (www.meetup.com), eating groups, church groups, singles groups, co-ed athletic groups (www.athleticsingles.com) – and of course, best of all, forming and
hosting your own social group that gets together once a month (which makes you the center and the authority) . The key is that your self-regard will never change suddenly because of one random girl’s “rejection.” This is one of the most important things you can do to improve your life with women, because you will, by default, begin to possess the all-important abundance mentality you need to have with women. There are virtually infinite attractive women available for you, waiting for you, just waiting to meet a guy who approaches her with confidence and a sense of fun. Remember – they are sexual beings too. They don’t want to go to sleep with their vibrator – again! They want to go home with you.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 3: “I Speak Slowly and Surely”
You can see it at work and you can see it at bars. Whenever a “lower status” individual talks to a higher status one - gender doesn’t matter here – the lower status one speeds up – as if working over-hard to be noticed and get validated. It is a signal that the lower status person is afraid that the higher status person will stop listening or simply lose interest. There are three ways you can slow your speech: when you have something worthy to say, when you can tell a story well, and when you stay attentive to your listener, you will have the natural confidence to speak slowly and with sureness. Some linguistic or physical tricks you can use to slow your speech include...
A: Take a deep breath before responding, especially if she says something that has some kind of impact. Really let her feel that you are taking in what she said, that you’re giving it gravity. B: Offer a vocalized “hmmmm” – if you do this correctly, in the depth of your throat so that it rumbles, that can have a sexually polarizing effect on her. You’d be amazed at the impact of a deep growl in a man’s throat – it’s the equivalent of a woman’s seductive purr. C: Mirror back her key words. Not only does this give you time to think, but also creates rapport by demonstrating that you not only heard her words but find them important enough to repeat back to her – and then augment them with an observation of your own. Here’s an example from a conversation I had just this morning… Her: “I love taking walks in the morning when the air is really fresh and wet with dew… You: “You love the morning because the air is fresh and wet with dew… that’s awesome. I love how sensitive you are to pleasure….” You can see how I use language here to open the door so sexuality. Sometimes women will take up the sexual undertones and amp it up for you. But if you don’t open the door – she can’t step through.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 4: “I Keep Steady Eyes”
In conversation, you are not looking around for the locus of fun and power. You ARE the locus of fun and power!
Your concern with what others are doing is a side-interest. You naturally consider yourself the focus of attention and you hold that intention with full power. You are positioned not on the edge of a crowd but unafraid, in the center. You expect others to look at you, rather than you scanning everyone else for approval. This is the commanding position. Your eyes are not downcast, but outward, calm and level -- and you take in everyone you meet directly, relaxedly, with your eyes meeting theirs, warmly and staying with their eyes until they are the first to break the tension.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 5: “I Am a Scarce and Valuable Asset”
This is a mindset you must communicate. You must say it to yourself and you must believe it.
One way that you can make it real in your life is to convey it gently but forcefully in your communications. Here’s what you don’t want to do: you don’t want to be perceived as chasing after women. Rather, you arrange it so they chase after you. You don’t buy drinks or buy gifts before you are sleeping with her. You don’t let her set the time and
place to meet for a date. If she suggests a time and place – change one aspect or the other. Do this! Make it a little later or another night, or suggest a different place. It is essential that you are the one setting the agenda of your life – even in little ways. You have to be the product that is perceived as scarce and valuable – you cannot be available to serve at someone else’s whim.
You are not available for a new woman’s company at any time. Changing the time or place, even slightly, establishes that in a subtle way.
There are other ways of establishing, from the first moment, that you are not of such low value that you are simply available whenever…. In my online profiles, I will often embed messages like this:
“I am not on this site often, so please don’t hesitate to bother me twice if you think we’re a match…”
“Please be sure to read my whole profile and let me know what it is you read that caught your attention. I don’t answer the emails that are generic or offer no personality or insight. Bring your best!”
I’ve experimented with all kinds of variations on this and I can guarantee you, it brings not only respect, but a kind of delight into women’s experience of you – before you even meet. They will write things like:
“Tee hee – okay, I’m bothering you. I liked your profile” “So, I read your whole profile and…”
If they begin with a sentence like that, you’ve already established your authority. You are in the command position and she is within your framework. The masculine-feminine dynamic is already at work….. and….. this is a great example of why I say when you do it right, you never end up in the Friend Zone because you never allowed one to form! Now, how can you bring this attitude to your daily encounters? Remember, as you lead, people will follow. You always train others how to treat you by how you communicate with them.
A Special Note on Beautiful Women: Most of what you know will spiral into mush when you encounter a truly beautiful woman. Here’s a practice you can employ to prevent that, when it comes to maintaining your sense of high value. If she says something warm or smart:
“You know, gotta say... Most beautiful women rely on their looks. It’s refreshing to find someone who puts in the time to be thoughtful
and informed. “
Then clink her glass. Of course, now she will feel compelled to keep up the estimation you’ve allowed her. And the power situation has flipped from the realm of beauty to brains, in this case – and you can make it go in any direction you choose. Could be her warmth you comment on, for example, or her social grace. I never ever, ever compliment beautiful women on their looks in the beginning of an encounter or relationship. Of course, once you are in relationship, sing to her beauty as well.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 6 “I Don’t Overreact, I Approve”
This is a key mindshift. Most men, when talking to a really beautiful woman, will be effusive in their hand and facial expressions, and will speak quickly and in a high voice. You are not showing your eagerness to be part of her parade.
Instead, you are standing above and apart slightly, and you are showing your approval of her accomplishments. One way to quickly start enacting this is to dole out points or prizes.
“Nice, you get five points for that one.” “You get a gold star.” “I like you a whole lot better now.”
“Nice. You just advanced five spaces in my estimation of you.”
Now, these can be delivered playfully, especially as the women you are talking to rise in accomplishment. With young women, they will appreciate the gold star. But with older or more accomplished women, it’s meant to be obviously funny and flirty and cute. But the message is clear – you are the one giving approval. You are in the teacher or leader role.
Beyond these flirtatious approvals, you can of course give genuine approval:
“That is beautifully stated. You’re an unusual girl.” “That’s a great insight. You’re more than meets the eye, aren’t you? I’ll bet most people think you’re just another pretty face.”
Confident Conversation Tactic # 7: “I Welcome, in Fact, LOVE Being Challenged”
This is maybe the hardest behavior to embody, especially because so many men have been put down by other men, by other women, by their parents – well, by everyone. And chances are you’ve seen most men react to this, from boyhood, by getting defensive or putting up a false mask of bravado – which is equally inauthentic and distasteful. So what’s a dude to do?
If a woman challenges you, relish her challenge, rise to it, play with it, exceed it!
Challenging you, giving you a shit-test – that’s her job – to see if you’re trustable. It’s what she’s supposed to do! So expect it, welcome it, enjoy it and turn it to your advantage.
There are always two ways to go with a woman’s challenge. One is to play with it and flip over the challenge onto her. When she says, “Why are you talking to me? I’m way too young for you.” “Yeah, maybe,” you reply, ”but you seem like you might be interesting enough to make up for it.”
Another way of playing with it is to employ insouciant “absurdification” (coined by dating coach Brad P). If she says “you’re pretty damned sure of yourself,” you can reply with, “I’m the surest person that ever lived,” and just go on with conversation like you didn’t even hear her. The way it then plays out is that her challenge was a fun moment, but it does not interrupt your flow of attention or intention. The other way you can react is to take the moment seriously. When she says, “you’re pretty cocky,” you reply simply and groundedly, “I know myself.”
And then go on with the discussion. You don’t have to explain it.
If you joke and bomb and she says something like, “You think you’re funny?” You, without getting defensive at all, respond with -- “I like to bring a smile to people’s faces, sure. People have tough lives. They need a laugh. Sometimes I miss, but that’s okay,” and again – move ON with the conversation on to the next point or whatever was going on before. The point is that a challenge never collapses you, rocks you, disturbs you.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 8: “I Don’t Fill Out Their Questionnaires”
This is a tricky one because you don’t want to seem like a jerk. But a woman who fires one question at you after another is controlling the frame of the conversation, which puts you in an automatic beta role with her.
So you can give playful answers (“How many girls have slept in this bed?” “I lost count at 8, 562,” and move the discussion where you want it to go as if it were a silly question asked for a silly reason. Or turn it around immediately, “why, what’s been your limit so far on the number of women your lovers have slept with?” Or, “Oh, there have been hundreds, but none has actually ‘slept.’”
If she persists, you can ask her sincerely, why she wants to know. Or you can get assertive, Does she make judgments around people that
way? What are her assumptions? Is she afraid of men who are experienced lovers? (like that one? You shift the frame from “volume of sex” to “experience.” I think that one came to me from reframing age from “older” to “experienced” “seasoned” even “battle-hardened” when I’m dating younger women.)
Or you can give playful answers that have a direct and seductive edge, “So, how many internet dates have you been on this week?” is one I always got. My answer, “this is the only one that matters to me, right now.” And then move the conversation along – usually back to her.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 9:
“I Speak As If I am The King of My Domain – And My Domain is Wherever I Find Myself”
The king bestows benefits in the world. He does it without needing adulation or a response. He just sees it as a natural role for him, since he has the wealth and power. (I show, in detail how to embody and enact the “king” archetype in your late thirties, forties and beyond, in my program, Ageless Attraction --www.AgelessAttraction.com)
Think of yourself as the King of your Realm. You do nice things for people without thinking. You open doors for ladies. You hold doors open for men. You allow others to enter a room first (put your hand on
their lower back as they pass – it’s an alpha behavior). You assist where people are in need. Not because you are seeking validation, but only because you have such an abundance of value to offer that you offering it always without a second thought. Plain and simple.
You help a woman with her chair. With her drink. Over a curb. Out of a car. Not as a subservient suitor, but as a man who naturally helps all, and she is in your purview at the moment. Nothing special.
Confident Conversation Tactic #10
“I Don’t Respond To Her Yes/No Questions Instead I Lead With Questions That Reveal Her Juicy Center…”
… and lead you both into deeper conversation.
If she asks you a yes/no question, this is a great opportunity to get curious about her and take her deeper into herself, into you and into conversation in general. Especially because they are often asking these kinds of questions to pigeon hole you or eliminate you from the running, to qualify you. Don’t let them control that frame and make you her beta. Remember they don’t do that to hurt men, though it may hurt, they do it because they are smart and don’t trust men and are trying to get a quick read on them to see if they can trust.
Sadly, their markers are often misleading or inconclusive.
For example, a couple of common ones…
Her: “Do you smoke weed?”
You: “That’s a really interesting question! I’ve noticed that the rules have changed so fast. I know parents telling their kids they should smoke but kids saying, no way, “I’ve got to focus on my career!” What’s your experience? Have you noticed anything like that?
Her: Do you use drugs?
You: That depends on what you mean by drugs. Do you mean the common socially-cliché way? I look at drugs – or medicines – like I look at sex. You can pursue it as distraction, or addiction or revelation. I am very selective and I use certain medicines for revelation.”
Well! With that answer, you say a lot (it’s my answer by the way and I have to give credit to David Deida for the three ways of approaching Sex). You say that you are above and beyond common cultural limited distinctions and beliefs. You say that you’ve thought about the different
ways of approaching deep and intimate experience, and you say that you live with purpose and intention, not the unconscious path of addictive, distracted or habitual behavior. And, of course, with this answer, you raise the idea in her head about revelatory sex – and she’s probably wondering what you mean by that (you’d better have a good answer if you use this!)
[For the record, I believe a periodic usage of ecstasy with an intimate partner or very good friend, or in nature, is a profoundly deepening way of getting in tough with your true heart. I also am continually amazed by the impact of Ayahuasca, so deeply beyond description. I don’t mess around with mere highs. They feel like escape to me.]
Use pigeon-holing questions as an opportunity to open her up!
Her: Are you a liberal or a conservative?
You: It’s funny, I find that those labels are almost never helpful except for extremists. Everybody is so quick to label others because they don’t care enough to take time to really learn who other people are. I’ll be you don’t fit other people’s labels, right? You seem like an individualist, someone who knows her own mind, makes up her own mind on things. I’ll bet you defy labels, right?”
Now you’re talking about her, hopefully you are correct about her that she is an independent thinker, and she is respecting you for being a maverick yourself, beyond labels.
Or go funny… Her: “What do you think of gay marriage?” You: “I think they have the same right to be miserable as anyone else”
Now if she’s asking you a precise question about a precise issue, you don’t have to play with it -- especially if its an issue important to you.
If you do have strongly held ethical beliefs about animal treatment, global warming, death penalty etc – it’s more than ok to express your firm beliefs.
If you want to contribute to the evolution of the species, respectfully disagree with others rather than scorn them for believing otherwise. Talk radio mentality has damaged public discourse awfully for the last 20 years or so. Please be part of the solution. Civility. Respect.
Firmness, sure, but not raging ego and points-gaining.. You don’t need to launch into an attack on those who think differently. In fact, if you can fashion a compassionate recap of other people’s opinions that you
don’t agree with – you are showing a kingly ability to see more than one side of the issue – something that most smart women will realize will be very useful in relationship.
Confident Conversation Tactic #11:
“I Add Value”
When I teach my workshops, one of the questions that most often comes up is, “how do I handle an awkward pause”?
I’ll restate what I‘ve said elsewhere.
1. Call it out. a. “I love awkward pauses. Most people try to fill silences, but sometimes it’s good to just relax together.” b. “Aww. Our first awkward silence! Something to tell the grandkids” c. [In the Advanced Confidence Audio Series, listen for Lance Mason’s technique of making the awkward silence something to celebrate and get her laughing.] 2. Use it to reflect her impact on you. In this scenario, you don’t feel obliged to continue the flow of conversation as it was happening but instead, taking command, you send it in a new
direction by telling her what it’s like being with her. [There is a longer discussion of how to “reflect her impact” in the Advanced Confidence Series training with Brian Bayer of AMP]. “I gotta say, I’m glad we met here tonight. You’re the most interesting girl in the room.” “You’re an unusual girl, aren’t you?” Then say why. “Gotta say, I’m getting to like you. You’re sexy, y’know, for a girl, and I like how you see the world” “For a girl?!!!” – they always say that.
“Yknow, I wasn’t gonna come out tonight. But now I’m glad I did. You made my decade.” Beat. “It’s been a slow decade.”
Point of Humor: What I did in that last sentence is something you want to do to create laughter and to not be boring and say what every other guy says. What you do is substitute one key work in a standard cliché sentence.
Instead of “You have beautiful eyes”
You say,” “You’re really beautiful. I like your nostrils”
Or if she’s got amazing breasts…
“I’ll be everyone compliments you on your clavicles. I love a girl with killer clavicles”
In case you don’t know – clavicles are the bones that arch in toward her neck above her breasts. It’s such a weird thing to say, and it’s an obvious “non-breast” comment by proximity. And, the truth is, I DO love a girl with killer clavicles. When they wear a gown, that’s when them suckers shine.
Comedy is misdirection. You lead toward one thing and head the other way. See Billy Crystal’s movie Mr. Saturday Night – I once met him and told him it was my favorite of his films and he told me it was his favorite film too. Watch how he and his brother in the film banter about that principle of comedy “you thought I was going here – but I went there!”
Now, to this concept of adding value which is a way of leading the conversation so you DON’T get awkward pauses. Too often, someone will say, “how are you” and you’ll say “fine, thank you.”
And you get … the awkward pause. You have to revv up the engines again.
I always say… “Awesome!”
She’ll ask why.
And then I’ll launch into something that is exciting me in the moment (or sometime during the last few months, but talk about it as if its in the moment!) – a great book, a blog post I just wrote, an inspiring new friend, some new trail I’ve discovered – something inspirational and upbeat about my life – drawing her into a discussion.
Another approach to this.
“Hi, I’m Dan.” “I’m Bethany, how are you?” “Great – I just got tickets to…. Arcade Fire/Bermuda/etc – there’s this beach I love there called…. Etc… have you been?”
If she says “no” I’ll offer to “pack you in my suitcase, if you’re nice”
Then you are off on a discussion about travel destinations – you can ask her favorite destinations.
Or if there’s something interesting going on at your work…
“I’m Bethany, how are you?” “Celebrating. I’ve spent the last few months working hard on helping X get Y and we just finished it this week. You should see the face of Y…”
Now, I don’t know what you do for work, but if you’ve had a cool accomplishment in the last few months, use it! If it helped someone and you can talk about the human impact of your accomplishment (remember the Commitment to find the HUMAN angle in everything, in this case, also making it less about you and more about service), then do that.
The point is, whether you bring up travel, a concert, an accomplishment, a great book or magazine or movie you’ve just experienced – ADD VALUE to the conversation so it doesn’t stop.
Lead her into a discussion – and be sure, once you’ve splashed her with your enthusiasm, gratitude, excitement, positivity or passion, turn the conversation to her so she can share herself with you. Most guys talk women’s ears off!
Show a real interest in her life.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 12
“I Will Pro-Actively Introduce People – Adding Value as I Go!”
You are the mayor. You are the hub of the wheel. You are the sun, the supplier of value. You are in command and you lead.
So take every opportunity to introduce people to each other, while adding bits of information to get that conversation going.
Add something that you just learned. Now if there is a professional connection or someone can HELP the other, that’s fantastic.
“Ellie, this is Hank – Ellie’s got this great idea for an online business, Hank is an expert at driving traffic to new sites…”
You have just added real value to their lives, and have earned gratitude. People will love you for this, as they rightly should.
If she returned from a trip…
“This is Heather. She just got back from Bali where I think she danced naked under the moon.” Beat. “Maybe I added that last part.”
If she is a nurse or doctor…
“This is Carrie. She saves lives with her bare hands…”
I like to play with the details I’ve learned about somebody, to lighten the moment and to pique them emotionally. If I don’t really know anything about her, I play with what she’s wearing. If she’s got funky earrings
“This is Jeannie. She’s the West Coast Rep for The Society of Hippie Earrings…”
The point is – NEVER – just say, “Joe, this is Mary. Mary, Joe.”
Unless you love awkward silences.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 13
“I Am Informed: And I Always Look for the Human Angle”
This isn’t my favorite topic these days, but yes, knowing what’s going on in the news is an obvious rapport-creator and way to start a conversation.
Know the top stories of the day. I tend to use the Huffington Post, but you can use any aggregation news source, including Google News.
I tend to stay away from the big media names because they rarely the real story. It tells the story from the corporate culture, but what really matters to most people’s lives are personal and on the ground. So I look for personal takes on things. I read opinion pieces, not by fathead Washington blowhards, but by people on the ground, who are directly affected by issues.
I read a lot – and I get great stories out of Esquire and Vanity Fair, believe it or not. I learned more about what it feels like to be a soldier from an article about losing their girls back home than 1000 CNN reports about Iraq. I use a site called www.ALDaily.com for all kinds of things, but especially for the links to dozens of newspapers around the world – and I read those – as well as their opinion pages. You get a whole different view of the world – much more interesting than the false dichotomies you get in the US media
Here’s the key: look for the HUMAN story behind the big news stories. Be able to talk about an individual who was involved in, or personally affected by the headlines, not just the headlines. Women tend to connect better with stories about people rather than about statistics, strategy or abstractions.
If conversation is a challenge for you, then make a point to fill your bucket every day with news stories – 15/30 minutes a day to inform yourself. Intellectual preparedness is a leadership signal. If you’re the
guy in a social circle who has that emotionally impactful detail – you’re the one women look to. They can feel your heart as well as your brain.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 14
“I Will Steer The Conversation to Talk About Relationships Not About Things”
Here are a couple of quotes from women I have known. One asked me,
“Why do men post photos online of themselves holding big fish?!!!!”
Another complained to me that other men on dates talked about their cars, their boats.
Why do guy do this? A few reasons but one big one. The reasons include:
1- They don’t understand women. They talk to women the same way they talk to guys, talking about things as status symbols and as safe subjects that don’t open up any vulnerability or feelings
2- They aren’t accessing their imaginations. They talk about the first thing that comes to their minds – and that’s often “stuff.” 3- They are trying very hard – in a very clumsy way – to communicate the primary “Attractor” quality of men – access to resources.
Women are creatures built to love, connect, care for. Any time you can get her talking about how good she is at this, and the people and creatures she cares for, the warmer she will respond to you.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 15
“I Stay on the Lookout for Usable Stories”
When you hear a story or read one, think consciously about how you might use this in conversation. Might it show you have a heart? That you’re a forward thinker? That you’re a thought leader? That you think about how you can make your community better? That it demonstrates what a great parent you’d make? Does it show that you are sensually alive (i.e. – how you might talk about food, or some art or a landscape – does it show that you are attentive to beauty?)
Be a defender of women. Here’s a simple one and an important one – are you aware of the struggle women have to go through in this world?
Right now, rape is being used as a weapon in many African and Muslim countries. What do you know about that? Have you contributed to any associated charities? Right now, the right in the US is trying to shut down Planned Parenthood – an organization that has helped millions of women get health care - the Christian right is using abortion as the leverage to defund it. I personally contribute to Planned Parenthood – not only because they’ve helped me and my girlfriends out, but because I know it’s a godsend for girls from poor families who have not other recourse. To me, part of loving women, is defending them, helping them and being a protector.
Confident Conversation Tactic #16
“I Compliment Using “The Sexy Sandwich”
The worst thing a guy can do with an attractive woman is tell her that she is beautiful directly. Or with no context.
I mean, you can say it – and SHOULD say it when you are looking deeply into her eyes and your really feel what a beautiful, loving gift of a human being she is.
Part of Commanding Confidence means you are always leading. And remember – she can’t follow if you don’t lead.
So at some point, pretty quickly really, you want to communicate that you are sexually attracted to her.
Here’s an easy and fun practice.
I like to spice up conversation by giving what I call a “beauty sandwich” or “sexy sandwich.”
“You’re really funny, you’re sexy, you’re cool – I like you.”
Take the emphasis off the sexy compliment so it doesn’t feel like sucking up. Make it casual and make it less primary by sandwiching it between other observations or comments about her personality and how you APPROVE of her.
Confidence is felt when you are not seeking to gain anything, but when you are offering. And moreso, when you are offering without any feeling of needing return
Confident Conversation Tactic #17
“I Own Her By Naming Her”
This is a fun one and a necessary one – although it’s kind of a cheap trick at gaining dominance.
He who names, owns. Check any map of the world.
First, repeat her name so you know it and she knows you know it.
Then give her a nickname. This is the classic move of a man who is comfortable with women. It shows a kind of “ownership” – you’ve named her, you’ve categorized her. The more masculine you name her, the more feminine she will then try to be in return. If you call her Dude, Man, Killer, watch her try to prove she is feminine.
If you want to play up - and make fun of a bit – her femininity, you can call her Principessa (Italian for princess), Snow White (if she is “innocent”), Cinderella (if she is overdressed), Little Red Riding Hood (if she is wearing red, duh), Poindexter (if she is Nerdy -- or Nerd, Geek, Dork) - all in good fun.
I have called 23 year olds “Gramma” and Grams” to flip the age difference, “Snooki” if she’s from Jersey, “Ellie May” if she’s from the South.
If she reminds you vaguely of a movie star or character from a movie – call her that.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 18
“I Ask Open-Ended Questions”
If you want to stop the energy of a conversation, ask a question that gets you a yes or no, as we said above.
If you want to feed the fire, ask an open-ended question.
People’s favorite topic is ME. They love to talk about themselves and give their opinions. Whether it’s about a recent movie or concert, a mutual friend or enemy or the dating or web dating experience, hit ‘em with questions like…
“What did you hate most?” “What turned you on the most?” “What was your favorite part” “What did you like about it?”
Confident Conversation Tactic # 19
“I Allow Women To Talk About Themselves”
Women love men who let them talk about themselves.
Again, everyone’s favorite topic is me, me, me.
The most interesting topic of conversation to anyone is themselves.
So when you give a woman a chance to talk about her then, she will love you for it.
Why?
Because most of the conversations she has are nothing short of a constant competition for the spot light.
Let me explain…
If you pay close attention to most social conversations, they are full of competition for the centre stage. i.e. People are constantly jousting for the opportunity to talk about themselves.
Now we all want to be heard but most of the time we are constantly have to fight for attention when in conversation with other people. That
is why you see people cutting each other short while in midconversation just so they can put in the two cents.
So when you show up and are willing to let her talk about herself then you appear as a god-send.
Especially if she is soft-spoken and is usually talked-over.
It’s not always easy for us guys to FOLLOW what a woman is saying – and I have written extensively about why women talk (to connect) and why men talk (to convey information).
The key to appreciating her conversation, staying interested and reflecting herself back in her best light is to be a “love investigator.”
That is, look for where she is expressed love or disappointed love in her talk about her family, or dogs or ex, or friends.
I’ll be honest – it may sound like blather to you and you’d much rather talk about politics or sports or ANYTHING but her strained relationship with some friend – if you listen as a Love Investigator, you will make incisive comments and DEMONSTRATE that you care – unlike most men.
You don’t have to be Freud to figure out what to say. Simple interjections like….
“that sounds like it really hurt your feelings…” “Sounds like you really care about her…” “Sounds like you’ve invested a lot of yourself in him” “that must make you feel so good…”
… can do wonders.
Women RARELY felt heard by men. It’s an easy and nice way to be a standout guy.
Confident Conversation Tactic #20
“I Am As Masterful Listener”
Now you must learn how to be a good listener and yet still an active participant in the conversation.
You do not want to simply listening and not say anything about yourself because you will come off as being aloof or even worse as if you are hiding something from her. In this case you will come off as slightly creepy and having a shifty untrustworthy character. And you also do not
want to be talking more than you listen because you become a bad listener, like 90% of the population.
Therefore a quick and simple guideline to follow here is: “Do Not Interrupt Her While She Is Talking.”
Once she is done talking, quickly give your view (keep it short) then ask her a follow-up question. As long as you allow her to talk without interruption then you will be a good listener.
Just remember that people are interested in themselves so refrain from going on and on about your view unless you were asked. Even then keep your response as short as possible.
So simply put a good listener listens a lot more than they talk.
So Just Remember…
It seems simple enough to ask questions but the real trick lies in knowing what to ask and being able take advantage of the information you get from your questions to quickly build rapport with her.
You will also need to learn how to avoid coming off as an interviewer, because of asking too many questions in quick succession.
There is a smooth and cool way of controlling a conversation while still keeping the dialogue alive. But do not worry if you suck at it initially, it is a skill quickly learnt through experience.
Listen for evocative details to reflect back to her and plunge deeper, with.
Listen without plotting your next thing to say.
Don’t speak until she is finished.
Confident Conversation Tactic # 21
“I Share My Passions With Enthusiasm”
When she asks about you, don’t play it cool. Bring her imagination into the excitement of your life by getting passionate about your life.
(If you’re not excited about your life – GET excited. Travel, learn something new, quit your job, anything --- but if you’re not excited about your life, why would she even want to be in it?”)
Tell your favorite travel story – but tell it with zest and detail. Talk about the red cheeks of those Peruvian children you met in the field who climbed on your back. Tell them about the bear sniffing around
your tent, and you’re holding a flashlight ready to clobber it. Tell her about that time a village appeared out of the trees and how the little kids clambered up the trees to cut you down fresh coconuts (that happened to me in the backwater canals of Kerala, India).
If you love your job – tell a funny or great story. If someone you love in your family had a great accomplishment – tell THAT.
But tell with detail and enthusiasm.
I am going to do a whole separate program on how to tell compelling, sexy stories. But for now, do this:
1. Tell a Danger Story. That time your parachute broke. Your brakes went out. That avalanche (again – me). Have you ever been in danger? For the sake of this section – I hope so! Tell the story slowly – breaking down the details – creating tension – so she doesn’t know what happened until the end. Feel free to exaggerate. Maybe that Brown Bear was a raccoon, but it WAS furry! 2. Tell a Sweet Story – to show that sweet side of you. Maybe you helped a niece with her school performance. Maybe you ended up leading a singalong on that elevator that was stuck to help the panickers get their mind off the danger. Whatever – something that shows the sweet side of you.
3. Tell a funny story – something outrageous that happened to you. Again – the beauty is in your enjoyment of what happened and keeping her hooked until the outcome.
4. Tell a Heroic Story – without tooting your horn – tell a story about how you saved someone or helped someone. One way to not sound like a braggart is to focus on some other aspect of the story. For example, I once witnessed an accident, ran to the minivan and pulled out a baby because the mother was knocked out. I went back for the mom, even though the engine was smoking (maybe). But the story is true. I might tell it talking about nifty car seats for kids -- how easily I was able to release it, or when we pass that particularly blind curve – “Oh man, people do the stupidest things. Once I saw this girl do a U turn right on this curve – and the car in front of me… this minivan plowed right into her….”
The focus, notice, is on traffic, not superman me. Although I don’t skimp on the superman details.
The Next Step If you’ve engaged her well in conversation – STRIKE WHILE THE IRON’S HOT! Get her number or Facebook name or card while she is laughing or enjoying you and clearly enjoying herself.
The confident man asks firmly and gives a REASON for getting her number.
In his definitive book, Influence, Robert Cialdini tells the story of “because” – and how adding that word increases people’s compliance multifold.
They did an experiment at a copy machine and had people say, “may I cut in” and then “may I cut in because I have a deadline” and even the amazingly empty “may I cut in because I have to make a copy”
Using the word “because” increased compliance. As you hand her your phone with the “name” box open and ready for her…
“Here, give me your number because I like you.”
“Here give me your number because there is a party on Saturday night and if you’re good, I’d like to bring you.”
“Here, give you your number. There’s an X concert in a couple of weeks, I think you’d enjoy it, I’m going to call you tomorrow after I see if I can get an extra ticket for you.”
“Give me your number. Before we go on our second and third date, we’re going out on a proper date next Friday.”
NEVER say, “May I have your number.” You’re not asking, you’re telling.
And NEVER say, “may I have your number, we should hang out sometime”
A confident man is a man with a plan.
My favorite number-close is from my buddy John Romanelli. He pops this one within a minute or two of banter:
“Hey, listen, we already like each other -- and you know I’m gonna ask you for your number later so lets just get it over with now and save the awkwardness. What’s your number?”
Ending A Date With Commanding Confidence The end of a date is when guys get needy. Especially if they believe they HAVE to get a kiss or the night’s a failure.
So here is how to handle that…
You have spent the evening or the date keeping her a little off her game. You’ve surprised her by switching directions, saying very bold things, stating your desires, calling her funny nicknames, listening deeply, letting her know you know more about how women work than she does.
You’ve led the conversation, you’re the one who got into her truth unlike other men. By now, if she’s not closed or easily threatened, she will be intrigued by you and attracted.
And so you approach the end of the date and the usual awkwardness approaches – do you kiss her at her door? Do you invite yourself in? Hope that she invites you in?
Here are two alternatives:
1. The Surprise “I never kiss on the first date.” Say this at a happy moment, sometime during the evening, but don’t wait until you get to her door, because then it sounds as if you’re just backing down from the challenge of it. Wait, instead, for a moment when you are both laughing or it’s going well. Say something like, “God you’re beautiful, but I want you to
know ahead of time – so you don’t feel rejected – that I don’t kiss on the first date.”
That’ll scramble most women’s brains. Doesn’t he find me attractive? Is he gay? Is he really THAT in control of his instincts, what, he’s not a dog like every other guy, trying to scramble what they can off me?
If she asks why not, “I like to save it for the second date. The first date is to get a sense of who you are. I like to let it settle into me for a couple of days, so I can really feel who you are. Then, if I WANT a second date, that kiss really means something”
This of course, puts you in the high seat of judging whether she is worthy of a kiss, whether, upon reflection, she’s someone you want to kiss.
When it comes to that walk to the door or whatever, she might say, so I guess I’m not gonna get that kiss goodnight.
Your response, “Well, I could make an exception if you are a really good kisser.”
If the evening’s going well, and there’s energy, that’s where you pull her in for a kiss.
2. The Reversal
I happened upon this when I was just improvising when this when dropping off a drop dead gorgeous young lady in front of her house after a fun, laughter-filled night out in LA. We did kiss a bit behind bushes after crashing a party on top of the London Hotel, so it was already fun.
I got out of the car first, let her out of the car, proper gentleman that I am and walked her to her gate, took her two hands in mine and said, very gravely,
“Listen, you can come in but only for a minute.” “What?!” she laughed. I continued the play acting… “I want to invite you in, I really do. You’re really nice and everything. But you can only come in for a short time, because I don’t really know you. And I don’t really go to bed with someone on the first date. But I also don’t want to say good night to you yet. I don’t want this night to end.” She laughed, said “Nice!” and pulled me inside.
Bingo. New method invented.
AFTER THE DATE
Send a text. On your way home. Reinforce what happened – take OWNERSHIP of what happened. By that I mean frame what happened. If it was sweet, you can send a sweet text. If hot and sexy, send that.
“I’m clearly going to need to start taking multivitamins if I’m going to date you” “Next time, I’m bringing you multivitamins for dessert”
– and of course humor is almost always good.
“I really enjoyed tonight. I’m going to call you every two minutes for now on.”
Texting is definitely the new way of stoking the fire, keeping the fire warm.
I especially love texting as a way to raise the temperature. Before a date, I will write things like…
“Tic…. Tic…. Tic…”
… as a way of saying I’m counting down the hours.
Or …
“I’ll pick you up at 7” “Yes” “Remember that word. It will come in handy later tonight…”
I keep the frame sexy and playful. When she says
“Behave!”
I respond:
“I think you have the wrong guy. This is Adam”
Now, lets go back to the scenario where you told her you don’t kiss on the first date and let’s say you kept to your word and held back. If you REALLY like a girl and think she may be long term, I recommend this. It shows her that you’re not hungry for “Getting’ some” – and that she is a long term investment.
After that first date, when you text her, could be the next day or just before your second date, you can say,
“By the way, I’ve been thinking about you and I decided that
I am going to start the second date with an amazing kiss that makes up for the fact that we didn’t ”really” kiss during the first date.”
If she “oohs” or sends a smile, you know what to do…
You walk up to her, wordlessly, take her by the shoulders, look into her eyes and kiss her gently, deeply and with appreciation, and if she melts into you, hold her tightly and kiss her more deeply.
Then - and this is essential – pull away first (which keeps YOU in the frame-setting position), look her in the eyes, and say,
“Damn, I’m worried about the third date – I don’t know if I’ll be able to control you.”
Seriously. Isn’t this fun!?
What THAT statement does is…
#1: frames her as the sexual aggressor and
#2: makes her feel anxiety – wait a second! After that kiss, you’re not going to kiss me again tonight? Or take it further!? You, how
had the self-control to wait, and now to kiss me without any words and make me melt?
#3: it also puts her into the mind-state that there is going to be a third date. Remember you just ASSUMED it and your assumption and articulation of it made it a reality in her mind. Holy shit, she’s thinking, this guy can’t be stopped. He really likes me. He knows what he wants.
If she asks “no more kisses tonight? “ you simply respond., “if you promise to behave.” Or “if you promise to misbehave,” depending on how playful, open and sexual she is as a person.
Of course, you are free to grab her and kiss her anytime during this second date, because you didn’t promise you wouldn’t kiss her, you just said the third date would be a doozy.
FOUNDATION IV INSTANT CONFIDENCE AND YOUR SOCIAL LIFE Commanding Confidence comes from you taking action. Directing your life. Making decisions. Being a leader in big ways and small.
I suggest you start small if you’re starting at zero. But wherever you are, you are about to learn how to activate your Commanding Confidence feedback loop by taking incremental steps toward captainship of your own life. It’s the only way to Commanding Confidence.
To earn confidence, to deserve it and exude it, you must be a man who is at the wheel of his ship, steering.
The context and the challenge for you is that we live in a consumer culture where you are trained to watch, to buy, to be a spectator. Whether it’s professional sports or TV shows or radio – or hell, even most of the internet – you are meant to consume rather than create.
Think about it: the very picture of the useless, lethargic, unmasculine man is your basic Homer Simpson sitting in front of a TV screen. And
there’s that haunting image from Pink Floyd’s The Wall, where the main character is just dead inside, slumped in his easy chair, absorbing TV – spawning a hateful spasm in the core of his soul.
A man that women admire is a leader. And, to tell you the truth, if you are like 99% of men, you will only really feel deeply and unshakably confident if you feel that you are at least the leader of your own life, and if you have some authority in your social world.
There is a very simple but extremely crucial core to this principle and it is this: that women are attracted to leaders. Women are attracted to men who have women around them, and who men look up to. On the basic level, it’s called “social proof.” And on deeper levels it has to do with ultimate trustability and access to resources.
Some of the exercises below may seem difficult for you if you are shy. They may seem very easy for you if you are gregarious. Figure out where you stand and what feels like a challenge – and then take the challenge. You only grow by stretching yourself.
The stairway to Commanding Confidence is constructed of step after step of ACTION taking. Confidence isn’t something you want to fake, and it’s not something that just arrives like a gift. You may be lucky and your parents installed belief systems in you that give you supreme confidence in your natural goodness and capability. Sadly, many parents, screwed up themselves, did the opposite.
Either way, you are now responsible for the cultivation of your own confidence – and your belief in yourself and your worth will only grow as you take action after action, giving weight, heft and meat to your growing confidence.
In this unit, I want you to start taking responsibility for others. I want you to consider all your social circles and start taking concrete actions, no matter how small, in taking a leadership role. If you take the actions I prescribe below, I guarantee you will start carrying yourself with more confidence, behaving with more confidence – and being perceived as a man with more confidence.
Again, these are not exercises designed to make you “nice” – although you may become a nicer person as a result, they are to train you to TAKE THE LEAD in all situations.
LeaderShip Practice #1: Be A Leader of Your Neighbors:
1. Do you even know them? Do you realize that most people are hiding behind downcast eyes or quick soulless smiles, but are secretly lonely? When was the last time you greeted your neighbors with a steady, frank gaze and a sincere, friendly question, “How are you today?” Can you offer observations about something in their life that shows you are
paying attention? That you are a human being encountering another human being?
There is a kind of social leadership in this. Just taking the lead in saying hello and opening the door for connection.
Action: Start greeting people in your neighborhood. Pet their dog. If it’s a woman of any age, say something nice about what she’s wearing. Be the initiator of conversation.
2. When I moved into my neighborhood, a nearby couple brought over a home-made apple pie. It initiated a friendship that has lasted for years, even though they have moved away. It’s pretty amazing. When I think of them – 15 years later – my first thought is about that apple pie.
Action: Bring a welcome gift to a new neighbor.
3. The next step you can take is to throw a block party or a building party. Memorial Day, Labor Day, New Years day are great opportunities for this. It gives you an “excuse” for bringing people together – and more importantly, it gives them an excuse to stretch themselves and meet new people. I can give you a thousand ways to throw a party, but the truth is, just go online for party ideas. The important thing is to decide to do it – and do it. Make it a pot-luck so it’s easy on you. Create an email list so people can stay in touch if they choose. Chances are one
of your neighbors is an attractive woman, or knows many attractive women, or will invite you into social circles where there are attractive women.
Action: Throw a neighborhood party.
4. Be a hero. Do you have an elderly neighbor? Is there something you can do for them? Ask. Offer. You never know. Often elderly people are ashamed to ask for help – it seems to underline their helplessness. So you be the initiator. Not only is this simply a good and noble thing to do anyway (!!!) but you will feel better about yourself – and it is the kind of activity that gets around and cultivates admiration in women. It shows another side of you – the kind of man who is a leader in service of those who need help in this world
Action: Help a neighbor in need.
LeaderShip Practice #1: Be a Leader At Your Work:
How can you take the lead at work? To tell you the truth, I haven’t worked in an office environment very much, so I will throw out a few ideas – if you have any yourself, send them to me at
[email protected] and I’ll forward them to the other men who have invested in Commanding Confidence.
1. Take a minute to care. Again, this is simply being present for somebody. Instead of the normal, “how are you,” and not really waiting for a reply, actually take in that person. Comment. Say, if its true, “you look happy,” or “you look great today.”
Action: be present for people at work once in a while – you’ll shock them!
2. If you know a person’s interests inside or outside of work – forward them a link online that will open up their world. One of the prime attractors for women to men is mans’ ability to provide resources. In the popular mind, that means money. But resources, on a deep level, also means, friends, family and information. Something as simple as a helpful link that makes her life better is actually you supplying a resource. It puts you in an authority role, however subtly for her. More importantly, in your mind, it puts you in the giver role, a supplier, an authority. It is the opposite of neediness and the foundation stone of being a giving man worthy of confidence.
Action: be the provider of good information, links and resources.
3. Organize an after-work get together. Often people just go home after work and are waiting for something fun to do. Happy hours are great. Ridiculous karaoke is great. Outdoor volunteer activities are great, for those who like them. And if you’re the guy
who organizes it, you’re the one in power. You take on the natural authority of the leader. For social activities like this, take the initiative and be sure to introduce people to each other. Take a moment to know their personal interests so you can introduce folks with some helpful, linking information. For example, “Hey, do you know Kit – you both love kitesurfing/ride motorcycles/ raise potbellied pigs – whatever it is!
Action: organize after work social get-togethers. Take control and be the “host”
LeaderShip Practice #1: Become The Social Hub of Your Singles World
All of the above actions are ways of leading up to the real mother lode of improving your life with women, and earning the confidence you want to have.
This is a core teaching of mine regarding you being super-successful with women, in a practical way, as well as cultivating the kind of unshakable, grounded confidence you want to have…
Be the hub of your social life, not merely a spoke on someone else’s
You are either the hub or a spoke. You are either the leader or a follower. You are either building your dream and your world, or devoting your energy and efforts to building someone else’s. It’s really that simple.
So, what are you supposed to do with this information? What if you don’t have many friends? What if you are new to a city? What if you do have friends, but you have outgrown them, or you simply don’t like them any more?
The answer is amazingly simple, and it starts with technology.
You are so superconnected to other people through the net now, that the change is almost inconceivable. The trick is to use it correctly.
If you are online dating, then you need to learn how to communicate with women in a powerful language that they can feel to their core – to communicate your heart and your spine as well as your sensually awake self – I’ve outlined all this in excruciating detail at www.DeepAttractionOnline.com.
But today we are not talking about online dating, although I’m going to show you how to leverage the online dating world to FILL your life with women quickly and easily.
Ready?
This involves combining two technologies: www.Meetup.com and online dating sites, whether Match, Plenty of Fish or whatever.
I call it my Magic Social Funnel System – and it is a clever, easy and fun way to fill your life with women so you can meet many at a time and from a position of social authority.
Here is the step by step process:
STEP 1: Go to www.Meetup.com and punch in keywords and your zip code to discover what meetup groups are happening in your local area. You will see there are groups on everything, from outdoor adventure, to party groups, to athletic and other interest groups. Sign up for AT LEAST 5 of them that appeal to you – it’s all free! - and show up to them. Get to know the group leader and ask them what works and what doesn’t in terms of what draws people out to events. You’ll get a free wealth of knowledge.
STEP 2: go to www.Meetup.com and look in other cities for ideas for the types of groups that you might want to start. Open up a file and start patching in language describing these other groups that appeal to you – that that sound like something you’d like to create.
STEP 3: Create your own meetup group that is meant to be one thing only: a lure for EXACTLY the kind of women you want to meet.
For example: If you like athletic girls in their 20’s you create” Athletic 20’s Adventure Meeetup If you like outgoing women: Krazy Sunday Night Karaoke Klatch! If you love dogs: Dog Park Singles Meetup Crew If you like party girls: The Thursday Traveling Cocktail Rogues If you like cultivated women: Culture Vulture Singles If you want a professional woman: Westside Professional Singles
Ballroom dance, Wine Tasting, Tantric Sex, Beach lovers, Hikers, Single Parents, Skydivers, Foodies who explore different restaurants, Entrepreneurs – whatever it is that YOU want – you create a Meetup that attracts EXACTLY THE KIND OF WOMAN YOU WANT TO ATTRACT.
Listen to me…
If you don’t have a lot of women in your life, this is the easiest way to create a funnel. Don’t just
read this. Go out and do it! You will be very, very, very happy. An abundance of women in your life will change your whole attitude. You will never have a shortage of women in your life again!
STEP 4: Stock Your Pond. So the beautiful thing about meetup.com is that there are millions of people already on it who will see your new group and sign up. So there will be automatic new members of your group without you really trying. Your job then is to write back to them when they sign up and schedule your first meetup. You have an instant social circle. However the REAL beauty of this system I’ve created is the next step…
STEP 5: Go to the online dating sites and invite women to your group. You can keyword search things like wine or beach volleyball etc, or you can just scan through profiles. If it’s a party group you’ve created, you can write a letter that simply says,
“Hey you seem like a cool girl. I don’t know about you, but this online dating thing is kind of impersonal and time-consuming. I have an amazing circle of friends that I get together every Thrusday night at a different cool bar in town –– and I think you’d fit in. Bring a friend, or two or three – guys or girls, it’s cool. Just great people. Good times – and beats trawling the web for yet another date!”
If she’s a wine lover…
“Hey, I read your profile. You seem like a great person! I like how you said (fill in the blank) Like you, I’m a huge wine fan. If fact, I just created a group that does wine tastings around town. You should come to the next one – at (fill in the blank). Not only would I love to meet you, but I think you’d fit in well with all the great people I’ve gathered. Its so much more friendly and easy than everyone sitting behind a computer at home hoping to meet someone online who’s not a maniac. “
You get the idea. But don’t send out one. Send out fifty! And you’ll have your group.
Now you have to listen to me here…
This is how you are going to be successful. Invite 10x the number of girls/women you expect to come. Create a good form letter that you can just patch in that is specific enough to the kind of girl you want to meet (a wine lover like you, an outdoors girl like you, a tomboy like you, an artist like you, a goddess like you, a rocker like you etc) and the nature of your meetup group – and MASS MAIL!
Whatever paid site you like, from Match, or Jdate, or Shaadi or Millionaire Match -- write girls there. But ALSO go on OkCupid.com and PlentyofFish.com because they are FREE and loaded with people – and just bombard women with letters! Make sure you tell them they can bring friends, everyone is welcome. You are a social hub and a social being – and you want lots of people to be happy.
STEP 6: Don’t forget to make the girls you really want to meet feel SPECIAL when they arrive. “You know, there are a lot of people in my group, but I was really looking forward to meeting you.” As the host, your attention is all the more special.
CAVEAT: Invite guys, too. As you get to know women, be sure to tell them to bring their guy friends who are cool or have similar interests. It makes you seem less a predator and more like the social host you are aiming to be. Make sure you invite your own friends and that you encourage the guys who sign up to bring their guy friends to.
If you do this right, you will have PLENTY of women coming to the events – and you’ll need guys to balance it out.
Inviting a woman into a social circle that YOU created is so much more fun that constantly online dating.
Creating a social circle is the quickest, smartest way for you to meet SCORES of girls on a single night rather than just one. And when you are clearly the host, you have all that natural authority.
Plan an event close to your home and of course, it’s easy to head up for a nightcap or afterparty.
In answer to the question I often get about how do you invite a woman home on a first night – you do what you often do: go counterintuitive. You take her role by verbalizing the objection.
“Wow. What a great night this was. And you were the best part of it. I’d hate for it to end. I tell you what – I love a couple of blocks from here. I’d invite you back for a nightcap…
(if you can add your “because” here, what the actual because is actually doesn’t’ matter. She knows why she’s coming back with you)
“…I have a great brandy/we can catch Colbert/I want to show you XYZ/so can make out and cuddle…”
(and here’s the fun part)
“… unless you think that’s inappropriate.”
Often she will say, “no, that’s fine!” because she doesn’t want to seem prudish.
Do you remember the principle at work here:
If you don’t ask, she can’t say yes
If you don’t lead, she can’t follow.
She’s a big girl and can always so no, and that’s fine, too.
Commanding Confidence at Parties Some people hate parties. It may make you nervous. You may be bringing old stories of feeling left out, or worse, laughed at or disregarded from old parties in high school.
Maybe you are just shy. Maybe you have a fear that people won’t find you interesting.
By now, I think you realize that the past does not determine your future. That old disspiriting stories can and should be left to rot in the cobwebs of the past.
Nobody knows your high school self and any faux pas from the past can be left there.
If you feel that you need to be liberated from the past, I am now waving my magic wand over you. Poof. The past is past. Now is now.
To succeed at parties is no different than succeeding at anything else. It requires:
1. forethought 2. planning 3. preparation, 4. persistence 5. spontaneity 6. awareness of the moment 7. and humor.
You can enter a room with confidence, converse with confidence and leave with confidence.
And it all starts with you setting your goal. Remember, Confidence is a feedback loop. So when you hit your realistic goals, your confidence naturally develops.
What is your goal tonight at the party you’re attending? The more specific you are, the more you will build your confidence by hitting your goals. Here are some example’s I’ve counseled:
1. I am going to speak to the three most beautiful girls in the room, no matter what 2. I am going to have at least one powerful deep discussion that is out of the ordinary by asking bold, penetrating questions. 3. I am going to invite 5 people to a party I’m throwing 4. I’m going to help at least 3 people by connecting them with others, resources.
If you are shy by nature, please don’t overshoot. Make is something simple. Using the Conversation Commitments above, pledge this:
1. I am going to talk to 5 women, no matter what. Nice and easy.
Side note…
I HATE loud parties and clubs. You can’t talk, you can’t connect. It’s the stupidest way in the world to meet women. I would take online or a meetup any day before a loud club. Please don’t think that’s where you have to meet women.
Here is my Commanding Confidence Formula for Party Domination… Party Domination Tactic #1: Research The Who Learn everything you can about those who will be attending: Where are they from? What do they do? What are their interests?
Often with online RSVPs, you can reverse engineer people – find their
Facebooks, google them – you can connect ahead of time on FB and say something like…
“Hey Jennie - my name’s Adam - I saw that you’re going to be at that IvyPlus party on Saturday. I noticed you’re also a beach volleyball studlette. Where do you play? I’m always looking for new games and secret superstars”
That has worked GREAT for me in the past – then when you show up at the party – you already know people, you are re-connecting instead of approaching someone cold knowing nothing about them. This makes a WORLD of difference.
Also, gathering intelligence allows you to steer conversations toward areas you already know engages women at the party. Easy. Duh.
Party Domination Tactic #2: Get There Early
Scope out the nooks and crannies, the views and the food. Be the master of the locale. It may not sound like a big deal, but it allows you be a “resource” for people – the guy who can help out. I
It also acclimates you to your surroundings so you feel more comfortable. My friend Dr. Alex Benzer actually counsels going around the room and introducing yourself to the furniture and the elements of
the room – as a fun, kind of nutty, but strangely effective way of putting you at ease. “Hey Table, my name is Steve and I’m here to have a fun time tonight. You with me? Good.”
If you are sometimes uncomfortable at parties, this technique works on your unconscious and puts you at ease. Almost like a private joke.
Party Domination Tactic #3: Reasonable Peacocking
This idea was made famous by Mystery, he of the yellow goggles and furry hat – but what most people forget about how he teaches it, it’s part of a whole presentation, including girls on your arms and an entourage. A peacocking guy on his own is a freak. With an entourage and energy and social proof of other girls, he’s a rock star. You don’t need to be a clown, but one or two interesting accessories – a pendant or ring, cool jacket or conversation piece boots – whatever it is – often starts discussions.
Women love to comment on clothes and this will inspire women to approach you. Look at Johnny Depp – Google-Image the way he dresses in layers and with all kinds of things on his body.
I have seen many friends do very well with things as simple as a geometric neck pendant, a spiffy fedora etc. I have ostrich boots I’ll wear for effect and just unique, cool shoes in general. Women cannot
resist the power of the shoe.
Party Domination Tactic #4: Get Hip and Current
Read a couple of online blog or news sites just before the event so that you can use the headlines as icebreakers. The more conversation fuel you have, the easier it will be to get a conversation going.
Wanna stand out – go to www.AlDaily.com - and on the left hand column are links to many of the great thinkers today who have columns worldwide – as well as provocative article links and links to newspapers all around the world. You can bet during the Egypt uprising, I was reading Al Jazeera. During the Tokyo crisis, I was reading Japanese thinkers. When you can quote global thinkers and bring unique information, you stand out!
Party Domination Tactic #5: Rehearse Your Awesome
Just before you enter the room, recall something positive, encouraging or complimentary someone said to you – or an accomplishment you are proud of. The memory will flood your system with endorphins, which is an instant confidence booster. I remember when I was young someone called me shallow and I was really angry. I told my mother and she simply said, “but you’re not shallow.” Oh. I needed that reminder. Same thing if a girl is not
interested in you at the party. Doesn’t mean you’re not interesting or that the next girl wont. Never let one person’s opinion throw you!
Rehearsal is not a joke. It is a practice of the supersuccessful – from sports to public speaking. Here is an excerpt from Tim Sanders’ book, “Today We Are Rich.” Again, Tim was Chief Solutions Officer of Yahoo! – and is an amazing and powerful speaker.
The Value Of Rehearsal As much as practice breeds confidence, rehearsal gives you a sense of certainty. A rehearsal is a practice session in anticipation of a public performance. It’s doing the thing in the “as-if” mode – where you are fully committed.
Whether or not you realize it, this advice is highly relevant to you and not just a musician, actor or public speaker like myself. Your life is a series of performances from crucial conversations to make-or-break presentations. Make a policy of rehearsing any performance you consider important. The more important or challenging the situation, the more often you should rehearse for it.
No matter where you are, you can have a mental rehearsal. In this case, you must conjure up the images of the situation where you’ll perform: The place, audience, ambience, your
appearance, everything. The more vividly you see the images in your mind, the more familiar they will be when you are live. This is very helpful for physical activities or direct competition where it’s hard to rehearse for real. Several years ago, Dr. Judd Blaslotto conducted a study at the University of Chicago that demonstrated the performance benefits of mental rehearsal. He compared a group of participants that practiced making free throws to a group that visualized making the same number of free throws. At the end of the month, both group had virtually the same level of improvement! Today, in the world of sports, visualizations are a critical part of preparation as coaches and trainers realize the confidence building power of imagery.
As kids, we always win when we play make believe. When I gave my pretend rock concerts, I had the crowd at “hello”. This won’t prepare you for the real world of objections, distractions and constraints. A study released in the Journal Of Sports Science made a breakthrough discovery: Teens that mentally rehearsed overcoming adverse competitive situations, gained the most confidence in their abilities to play soccer. This is called Motivation Specific Mastery (MSMastery). In this case, you visualize yourself mastering a challenging situation, not just running through it with a good outcome. Always make sure you include the hurdles as you practice your performance in your mind. Stretch your
imagination to identify things that could go wrong and potential sources of adversity.
While mental rehearsals have merit, nothing beats a full contact dress rehearsal. Champions go the extra mile to arrange such real-world rehearsals, while others prepare solely in their head. Take doctors at University of Rochester hospital: They simulate vascular surgeries, and see a dramatic boost in outcomes during actual life/death situations. Along the way, as they continue to rehearse, their confidence soars as they expect to have positive outcomes based on their experience. As one surgeon told me, “Nothing will boost confidence in your self and your team like being successful in the operating room.”
If your upcoming performance is a conversation or a presentation, you need to rehearse it out loud – fully! I always get up early the day of my convention speeches to give my talk into a mirror, making eye contact with myself and instructing my subconscious mind. In The Magic Of Believing, Claude Bristol calls this the mirroring technique. I’ve learned that if I can face myself and like my own words, then my audience will too.
The closer you can come to a simulation of the exact physical experience the better. If you are going to rehearse a work
presentation, rehearse in the actual room you’ll later use. Setup your visual aids and use them, just as you will live. Recruit a few volunteers to be your audience. Bring a clock, so you also rehearse your timing. You’ll get great practice at dealing with distracted people, ringing cell phones, ticking clocks and gadgets that don’t work on command.
By including real challenges to your rehearsal (time/space/distractions),when they really happen in the moment, you’ll be in a familiar place and you can smile and say, “I thought you were coming!” Mike Tyson, the world champion boxer, once said, “you get knocked out by the element of surprise, that’s what drops you to the canvas. If you see the punch coming, you can survive it.”
Here are a few more ways you can rehearse your success with women, and increase your confidence, and it begins with…
Positive Visualization as Rehearsal
Close your eyes and picture yourself doing the things you want to do and being and person you want to become. Can you see yourself with a beautiful woman on your arm? How about sitting on your lap? How about moaning beneath you as you tenderly make love to her? Picture
yourself at the helm of a sailboat, astride a horse, building your dream house, leading a team of kids to honorable victory…
ACTION: Stop and actually do it now: visualize your ideal future self romantically, sexually, financially, socially, etc.
Enjoy that moment. Enjoy the details of that picture, the sights and sounds of it.
Here’s the thing -- your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined. The more emotion with which you visualize will lead to more an inner belief that that is the person you truly are – you just haven’t emerged into it yet.
One of the many reasons I had to leave my wife was her negative mindset. She tried to get me to believe that I had no ”money karma.” Her phrase. Hmmm. Funny thing. A few years after our divorce, my company made more money in one year than I made during the TEN years when we were married – added up!
You can only move toward where you are looking. So spend time visualizing and taking daily concrete steps toward that man you aim to be.
Flood your mind with the reality you want to experience!
Then do two things with that reality.
Step 1: Install The Successful Experience Step 2: Install the Emotion You Have Associated With It
Step 1:
Install The Successful Experience
When you experience it as a Mental Rehearsal – you will live and re-live that reality. Remember – you subconscious won’t know the difference.
You can rehearse your future vision of yourself and you can rehearse a success from the past.. Either way you are flooding your head and body with happy success hormones!
Great athletes rehearse past games, game winning shots before hitting the court.
Why shouldn’t you re-live that amazing experience you had with that beautiful women you met on vacation, in college, whatever….
You can also MICRO-REHEARSE anything before you head into it…
Before you experience something, micro-experience it as a success.
This can work with approach, with a date, with a conversation.
Imagine yourself entering a room, and feel the love and affection women feel for you.
Before you approach a woman, rehearse how amazing it can go. Visualize her laughing and enjoying your company, warming to your touch. Do this and you will act differently.
STEP 2: Install the Emotion
How would you feel if you already achieved your goal? The first step is to imagine the reality. The next step is to FEEL the reality of it as it floods through your system.
Now it’s harder for guys to allow themselves to eel than it is for women, so you’re gonna have to TRY here…
Imagine the emotional reality of pride, satisfaction, joy, freedom – of the man you imagine yourself to be. Feel the pleasure of having that soft, loving woman by your side. Hell, feel the jealous looks of other men, if that motivates you, as it does most men, let’s be honest.
Party Domination Tactic #6: Breathe Deep!
As we reviewed in the first section – deep breathing – to the bottom of your belly will calm you. Relax you. Ground you. Before you enter a room, or at a party if you’re feeling jittery or left out, ground yourself with breath – then approach someone and say hello.
Party Domination Tactic #7: Be the Mayor of the Room.
That’s Brent Smith’s term – but the idea is take on the role the host, be the king, put everyone in your kingdom and take care of them – even if it’s not your party.
Throw your arms around them “Everything good? You have everything you need? Having a good time? Anyone you want to meet?”
Say any of those things. Be PROACTIVE in introducing people to each
other – YOU be the connector – don’t wait for others to connect you.
This is fun, folks. This is play-acting. This is creating good feeling. And when you introduce them, add a complimentary or fun detail, spinning it for extra fun…
If someone moved to town from Kansas
“Let me introduce you guys. This is Deb, she’s a runaway from Kansas City”
If someone works in a biology lab…
“This is Kristina. She’s spends her day playing Dr. Frankenstein…”
If she’s a banker…
“This is Keyleigh. She’s a banker – definitely not too big to fail but maybe too cute to fail…”
Make it up! Have fun!
“This is Angie. In high school, she was voted, “Most Likely To Be A Stalker”
Just writing this makes me want to go to a party!
p.s. – if you can be part of a planning committee for a party, do it. Actually BE the host.
Party Domination Tactic #9: Position Yourself Well
By the bar, where there’s traffic, around the desert buffet: it makes for easy conversations, and if you can station yourself near something that delights – a baby, a champagne fountain, chocolate fondue… you’ll find her endorphin levels rise, which puts her in a better mood and more talkative. You can also help her by handing her plate, scooping food onto her plate – and getting involved.
Party Domination Tactic #10: Be the “One” Guy
Simply approach people standing alone, guy or girl. They're probably feeling awkward and lonely and will be grateful to you for saving them from anonymity. Or maybe their waiting for their friend – and it ends up being Denise Richards – and YOU are the cool guy that approached them when no one else did.
Party Domination Tactic #11: Jab and Punch
Don’t just launch into some huge topic or give a speech.
You notice how boxers don’t just come out throwing huge roundhouse rights?
They jab with the left – they open up their opponent first. So too with conversation – soften the approach with a sweet jab: compliment her on something she’s wearing, and only then ask the kind of open-ended question that leads into a great conversation.
REVIEW AND CONCLUSION Let’s review some of the essential lessons of this Confidence Blueprint
1: She can’t follow you if don’t lead. So lead with your body, lead with your warm hands and your kisses. Lead by adding value to conversations whenever you open your mouth. Lead socially by taking the leadership role and becoming the hub of your social world rather than a random spoke in somebody else’s.
2: Confidence arrives in increments thanks to the Golden Feedback Loop. Every time you take an action and impact people with your confidence, with your leadership, your likeability, with your valueadds – you receive their good will and good feeling – and you get empowered to act with even more confident tomorrow.
3: You do not need to “be” 100% confident to act with confidence. That is the secret to INSTANT CONFIDENCE – you do it. You don’t wait for it happen later before acting with boldness or confidence.
4: True confidence derives from your character. When you are excited and energized and passionate about your life, that energy will radiate off of you and women will feel it.
5: Confidence, Boldness, Courage – these are the #1 attractors for women, these trump kindness, looks, money, position. If you act with passivity or without truly serving your beneficent will with your brains, your cleverness, your guile, your creativity, your body and what people call your soul – you are missing out!
You are ripping yourself off and you are ripping women off. Life is short. Live boldly. Embrace confidence with your body, your words, your social life – all of you.
Don’t just read the practices and tactics throughout this Program.
Do them. Do them every day. At home. At work. Out in the world.
Make Confidence your habit and you will grow swiftly into the broadest power of your natural confidence in everything you do.
Now go find some great women.
And make your life a life of CHOICE rather than a life of consequences.
Your friend,
Adam Gilad
p.s. if you enjoyed this book or found it valuable, please write me at
[email protected] and let me know what meant the most to you. Hearing from you really does mean a lot to me and helps clue me on what is most needed by men everywhere.
Enjoy!
