How-to-Forget-Your-Ex-Lover.pdf

LOVE IS MERCIFUL

FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER

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TABLE OF CONTENTS DURING THE EARLY DAYS

GET OVER IT BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN DECIDING TO BREAK-UP MUSIC TO HELP – MUSIC TO AVOID TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

6 6 8 10 12 15 16

BE KIND TO YOURSELF REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS FOCUS ON WORK ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS LOOKING FORWARD AFTER KEEP YOUR DIGNITY

21 21 2 25 2! 2" 1

PRACTICALITIES HOW TO FIND A RELIABLE TRADESMAN SEPARATION WITH CHILDREN RUNNING A HOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME MANAGING YOUR #OB COPING WITH NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

35 5 6 " $2 $$

PROPERTY ISSUES SELL OR RENT OUT- A %UICK CHECK LIST TO HELP YOU DIVIDING UP YOUR BELONGINGS WHAT TO TAKE STAY OR MOVE AWAY THINGS YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOCATE IN YOUR HOME MOVING BACK WITH MUM AND DAD

48 $8 51 5 55 5!

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LOVE IS MERCIFUL


TABLE OF CONTENTS DURING THE EARLY DAYS

GET OVER IT BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN DECIDING TO BREAK-UP MUSIC TO HELP – MUSIC TO AVOID TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP

6 6 8 10 12 15 16

BE KIND TO YOURSELF REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS FOCUS ON WORK ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS LOOKING FORWARD AFTER KEEP YOUR DIGNITY

21 21 2 25 2! 2" 1

PRACTICALITIES HOW TO FIND A RELIABLE TRADESMAN SEPARATION WITH CHILDREN RUNNING A HOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME MANAGING YOUR #OB COPING WITH NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

35 5 6 " $2 $$

PROPERTY ISSUES SELL OR RENT OUT- A %UICK CHECK LIST TO HELP YOU DIVIDING UP YOUR BELONGINGS WHAT TO TAKE STAY OR MOVE AWAY THINGS YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOCATE IN YOUR HOME MOVING BACK WITH MUM AND DAD

48 $8 51 5 55 5!

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HEALTH MATTERS RECOVERING FROM A BREAK UP WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE YOUR GENERAL PRACTITIONER THE WHOLE FAMILY PHYSICAL EFFECTS EMOTIONAL EFFECTS STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP

61 61 6 65 6! 6" !1

MONEY AND FINANCE HOW TO WORK OUT A BUDGET CUTTING COSTS SHARING WEALTH AND DIVIDING ASSETS ARE YOU ENTITLED TO BENEFITS& FIND A FINANCIAL ADVISOR BREAKING UP AND BANKING

75 !5 !! !8 81 8 85

LEGAL

ENDING A RELATIONSHIP FINANCIAL ISSUES SEPARATION ISSUES HARASSMENT AND PROTECTING YOUR HOME CHILDREN ISSUES

MOVING ON

BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE HOW TO START DATING AGAIN MOVING TO A NEW AREA MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND #OINING IN CHILDREN AND NEW RELATIONSHIPS

88 88 88 8" "0 "1

4 "$ "6 "! "" 101

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TOP TIPS

ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS SHOW AN INTEREST IN OTHERS REMEMBER' IT WILL GET BETTER BETTER WAYS TO HELP TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR BREAK UP AND RELA( BE HONEST AT WORK HOW TO NOT BE A VICTIM AFTER A BREAK UP

1!5 105 10! 10" 111 11$ 116

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DURING THE EARLY DAYS GET OVER IT

In the aftermath of a break up it’s common to need some time to get over it, but no one wants to spend more time crying than they absolutely have to. It’s not as simple as ‘pulling yourself together’ but there are ways to speed up your recovery. T)*+, . */   34 Getting over a relationship is a phase, with a distinct beginning and an end. You may feel as if you’ll be alone and sad forever but this isn’t how you have to end your days. Relationship break ups happen all the time and affect almost everyone. ll around you there are people who have been through the same sort of thing, picked them up, and started over. It can be done, so don’t get overwhelmed by the si!e of the task or the depth of your emotions. D+/ .*7)/ 93 .:*+7 "here are stages that most people go through after a break up and the feelings that come with them are usually normal and healthy. You may not be happy with all the effects the break up has on you #who would$% but they’re not a sign of weakness or failure. You are allowed to be sad, angry and miss your e&. acknowledging these feelings and allowing yourself time to think things through will help you move closer to the end'goal( getting over it.

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)arning( o

If you’re tempted to get revenge, don’t* You may feel your e& has behaved un+ustly but your responsibility now is to look after yourself.

If you seek revenge you could end up in all sorts of trouble and would you really be able to respect yourself afterwards$ K 93 34/*; on’t forget you have friends and family who care about you. -ven your colleagues are likely to sympathies if you let them know you’re having a tough time. "urning up to work every day will help keep you from spending your time alone dwelling on your sadness. Getting together with friends and family will in+ect some much needed fun into your life and should help you rela& from the an&ieties that come with break ups. nowing you are not alone is a great morale booster and will help you remember that romance is only a fraction of a full life. W3*/ </: =9/ /) 7> /9.. eeping a diary can help you monitor your progress, but it’s most helpful if you try and write more about the good stuff. You can write about how you feel, the sleepless nights and other negative side effects too, +ust keep it brief. "ry and write down the things that are positive, even if these are only tiny improvements.  short entry every day will help you make progress. If you fill it in before you go to bed, then you can fall asleep with positive thoughts to counterbalance the upsetting ones. T3 / .37*; "his is tough, because it will feel as if you’re being proactively nice to someone who hurt you deeply. /owever, if you can manage to think of your e& and the break up without wanting to scream or throw something then you know you’re making a solid recovery.

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on’t rush it, or pressure yourself. 0o one e&pects you to be best friends* You may not be able to forgive, or it may take a very long time, but trying is the important part.

BREAKING UP AND HOW TO TELL OTHERS

1plitting up is stressful enough, even before you start breaking the news to your nearest, dearest, and anyone else who needs to know. )ho do you tell first$ /ow do you get the words out$ It may seem like an awful prospect, but the sooner you tell people what’s going on the sooner you will have a support network of friendly faces that are eager to help. S/3/ ?*/) /) 4:/ fter your partner, who is the person you most often turn to for help or a good natter$ "his is your closest ally now that your partner has become your e& so it makes sense to tell them first. )hen your best friend #who may also be a relative% is apprised of the situation you will have the support and encouragement you need to make those other announcements. "hey’re also a safe audience to practice with, as they won’t +udge you adversely if you stumble over your words, swear, or cry for half an hour solid.

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2aking you feel better will be their sole interest. F<*: @*+4:9>*+7 /) *+-:? 3amily members need a delicate touch as both sides are likely to be upset. Your in'laws will see you as part of the family and when you tell them your relationship with their son or daughter is over it will feel as if you’re leaving them, too. If you don’t have children then this may well be the end of the relationship. If you do, your in'laws or parents may worry that they’ll be cut off from their grandchildren. If your split isn’t amicable don’t take it out on your e&’s family. 4e sparing with the gory details when talking to your parents and your e&’s and make sure everyone knows they can still see their grandkids. 3or advice on telling children read our article here. M9/9: .3*+> 2utual friends that you met through your partner need not be abandoned +ust because you’ve split up so don’t assume you shouldn’t talk to them. -ven if you suspect your e& has already shared the news, let them know. eep things amicable by not insulting your e& when talking to them and you may find you continue to be good friends, even if you can only see them when your e& isn’t around. A/ /) ..*4 Your personal and professional lives are split for a very good reason but that doesn’t mean they won’t have an impact on each other. If you’re going through a ma+or break up it can affect the 5uality of your work and the way you interact with colleagues. You may also need a few days off to find a new home or +ust get over the shock. In these cases it’s best to be honest with your employer. on’t feign a migraine or other ailment to e&plain your downtime, +ust e&plain what’s happened without going into too much detail. Your employer will appreciate the update and should be supportive to help you get back into your routine.

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Your other colleagues don’t need to know. "hey certainly don’t need any details* If you’re close to people at work and you want to tell them, that’s fine, but remember you’re all still at work. D:*+7 ?*/) *+*+' >;*4 +> 9/*+ )ith all those well'meaning and concerned individuals around you’re likely to encounter some opinions, advice and a lot of 5uestions. "hese are natural responses and they’re usually well meant. 6nfortunately they can also be upsetting and irritating. "ry to stay calm, and if you don’t want to answer any 5uestions then tell people, politely*

BREAKING UP WHEN THERE ARE CHILDREN

If you have children with your partner #or your children are close to their step'parent% it can add a lot of complication to the break up. "hey should never be used as an e&cuse to stay together though, as prolonging a difficult or dangerous relationship will do your children harm. H? / /:: 9+7 4)*:>3+ 93 =3,*+7 9 "he younger the child the harder it will be for them to understand what’s going on and they are likely to feel insecure during and after the split. "he only life they know is undergoing massive change and it will be up to the parents to provide as much security and reassurance as possible.

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2ake sure your children know( o

It’s not their fault that your relationship has ended

o

4oth parents still love them

o

You will continue to look after them

o

You and your partner are not at war over their affections

"ell them what changes are going to occur so they can be prepared. 3or e&le, they may wonder if you will be moving house or changing their school and how much they will get to see the parent they don’t live with. nswer their 5uestions honestly and don’t allow any negative feelings to cloud your +udgment or the things you say when you talk about your partner. Your children’s behavior may change as they react to your break up. 7et their teachers know so that they can be prepared and keep the channels of communication open with your children so that you can deal with any problems in a positive way. D:*+7 ?*/) /+73 8lder children will be better e5uipped to understand what’s going on during a break up. "hey may +udge your behavior and take sides, causing further pain to one or both parents. s with younger children, provide reassurance and make sure they know they are still loved and not to blame for the split. void talking negatively about your partner 9 remember this person is still their father or mother and needs to continue having a relationship with their children. ny decisions you want to make about how your teenagers are cared for should be discussed with them as they are old enough to have a reasoned opinion. "hey are also at a stage where their friends, social life and education are all more important than when they were small. A>9:/ 4)*:>3+ You could be forgiven for thinking that adult children will understand and cope without any assistance but that isn’t always the case.

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-ven with the maturity of a :; or <; year'old, the reali!ation that their parents are splitting up will likely be something of a bombshell. s with younger children, don’t make them feel like they have to choose sides and don’t let them hear you talking badly about your partner. M,*+7 34/*4: >4**+ )hatever you’re going through, you will have to find a way to work with your partner to make sure the children are taken care of and don’t get caught in any crossfire. If this seems impossible, seek help from a mediator or relationship counsellor to resolve the situation as 5uickly and painlessly as possible.

DECIDING TO BREAK-UP

eciding to end your relationship is a big decision, especially if you’re married or have children with your partner. It’s not something to be taken lightly or done on a whim, as you could easily regret it later. -5ually, you don’t want to fall into the trap of thinking about it for years without ever making a proper decision. It’s easy to procrastinate over something so life'changing. T) >*..*49:/* . 3 +> 4+ )hen making big decisions it’s common to try and think about them logically and create lists of the pros and cons. "his might work when you’re choosing between university courses, but applying the same techni5ue to a relationship is fraught with issues.

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8n your pros list #in favor of continuing the relationship% you might have( o

I get to stay in the nice house

o

)e won’t argue over who keeps the dog

o

I won’t hurt my wife

"he list of cons could be( o

I always feel unappreciated

o

1he never kisses me when she goes to work

o

I’m fed up of keeping my +ob +ust to pay for all the fancy holidays she loves

-ven if it’s obvious that staying in the same house is less important than the fact that you feel unappreciated, other pros and cons may be harder to choose between. 1ome problems are also easier to fi& than others. on’t confuse material comforts or a lack of ‘boat rocks’ with what’s actually best for both of you. W)/ =9/ /) 4)*:>3+& /aving children with your partner can seem like a big incentive not to split. You certainly shouldn’t decide in too much of a hurry, unless you, your partner, or your children are in physical danger. It’s common to want to keep trying for the sake of your offspring but when relationships don’t work, the longer you stay together the more damaging it will be for them. on’t use children as an e&cuse for staying in a miserable or abusive relationship. o use them as a reason to keep things amicable with your partner during and after the split. T:,*+7 */ ;3 1plitting up with your partner is a big decision to take alone. You may be worried about upsetting them but the only way to achieve a healthy split #or to find a way to stay together

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so that you’re both happy% is to talk it through together. Ideally, the split will be by mutual agreement. -ven if it’s not, you should still be able to talk things through with your partner so that you and they understand what’s happening and why. If things become acrimonious then it’s a good idea to see a counsellor. "hey can help you keep calm long enough to understand the situation clearly and work out a resolution, whether that’s to split for good or try again. B?3 . ,*+7 /)3 If you’re worried about talking to your partner you may be tempted to ask the advice of friends or relations. on’t* "his is between you and your partner. If you tell them you’re breaking up and they reali!e other people knew about it before they did it’ll be even more upsetting. lso, your friends and family won’t have the same insight that you and your partner do. fter all, they’re on the outside looking in. It may be that they’ve always felt this person wasn’t good enough for you but they could be wrong. "ip( o

6ltimately, the break up is your decision and your responsibility. on’t take advice you might resent or regret later because you didn’t wholeheartedly agree with it.

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MUSIC TO HELP – MUSIC TO AVOID

"he right choice of music can invigorate and help lift your spirits. =hoose the wrong track and you can plunge yourself into the depths of despair. It may be obvious, but it is important to try and avoid all of the music that you associate with your e&, whether it is ‘your’ song or even happy tracks that remind you of good times together. 1imilarly listening to slow, sad love songs isn’t a very good idea, and melancholic classic music will only serve to make you feel even worse. "op tip( 1tick to pre'selected =s in the car or talk only programmers #e.g. radio <, 3ive 7ive% for at least a month or until you are feeling less raw. "his way you can avoid the pain triggered by une&pected songs or pieces of classical music played on music stations. 4ut music has healing properties too. Research shows that certain types of music can alter your mood in a positive way. If you want to feel happy choose up beat music such as 44 and >ueen or for those who prefer classical music try /andel’s 2essiah or a rousing "chaikovsky piece. "o soothe a troubled mind and help you rela& choose 4ach, /andel or a ‘2ost Rela&ing =lassics’ =. ?an pipes, wind chimes, rippling water are all soothing and =s of these calming sounds can be bought from garden centers. nd whilst you are en+oying that happy music why not sing along as loudly as you can$ 1inging releases endorphins which make you feel happy and uplifted and reduce stress. s singing means that you have to breathe more deeply it gets more o&ygen in the blood for better circulation which tends to promote a good mood.

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1o what are you waiting for 9 put your favorite happy tune on your i?od and belt out those lyrics*

TOP STRATEGIES TO HELP COPE WITH SADNESS

)hen you’re getting over a break up it’s hard to avoid that empty feeling. "he change from having company almost all the time to suddenly spending long hours alone can be hard to ad+ust to. "he empty time can easily be eaten up +ust by thinking about what’s gone wrong in your life. )ith time, and an emotional void to fill, here are some good ways to cope with your sadness. R-:+ 93 4*: :*. 7osing your partner can make you feel lonely and unloved so it’s important to make the most of friends and family. If you’re short on either or both of these groups your social plan should include ways to meet new people. "his could be volunteering at a local charity shop, +oining a bridge club. You don’t have to rush into anything. 2ake a note of activities you’d like to try and do some research to see what’s available in your area. 3or older people, some social activity groups also offer assistance with transportation.

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Invite your friends and relations to accompany you to the theatre, cinema, restaurants, or yoga classes.

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"ip( o

You don’t have to fill every moment with people and activities, but having regular human contact and fun will make a massive difference to your self'esteem and en+oyment of life.

S, /  49+::3 lthough your friends and family can help a lot, there are some times when a counsellor is the best person to speak to. Regular conversations #either face'to'face or over the telephone% with someone neutral and specially trained to deal with emotional upset, can help you regain your emotional balance and sense of inner calm. "here is no shame in speaking to a therapist, even if your social life is a whirl or you have more friends than you know what to do with. It’s important that you can discuss your feelings with someone who is supportive and non' +udgmental to help you learn from the e&perience and move on. F49 + .9+ s well as spending time with others, you’ll need to get used to being on your own again.  good way to do this is to find some solo activities that you en+oy. "his could be as simple as re'discovering a favorite author, going swimming, or teaching you a new skill, like cooking 1panish food by following a recipe book. "ip( o

You don’t have to be in a 5uiet room to practice being alone. "ake your book to a coffee shop or +oin a cookery course at your local college, if the 5uiet of your home life is too oppressive at first. 4eing independent but still having that background bu!! of human activity can be a great balance.

G*; 93:. </)*+7 / :, .3?3> / "reats are the punctuation of life. If we haven’t got anything to look forward to then we’re

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bound to feel depressed and get bogged down in the daily grind of work, or retirement. "hese treats don’t have to be big or e&pensive, although being single doesn’t mean you won’t benefit from a holiday occasionally*  weekly coffee and cake at your favorite cafe, or a monthly bowling session with your colleagues, will give you something en+oyable to think about.

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SURVIVING THE BREAK-UP BE KIND TO YOURSELF

1elf'recrimination is common after a break up. You may be feeling guilty, stupid, or angry with yourself for spoiling the relationship, not reali!ing something was wrong, or hurting your e&. If you become your own worst enemy it’s going to be harder to put your life back together and move on. I >+/ >3; ,*+>+ epending on how you acted during the break up you may feel you don’t deserve any kindness. If a lot of mutual friends took your partner’s side in the dispute it could be really hard not to believe this. -ven if your behavior has been less dignified than you would like, that doesn’t mean you’re evil and should be hated by everyone, including yourself. It takes two for any relationship to break down so try not to keep thinking it was your entire fault. "ake responsibility for your part in the break up, apologies if you need to, and recogni!e that you are a normal human being who deserves kindness +ust like everyone else. I )9:> = >*+7 @ust because you’ve broken up doesn’t mean you can drop all your other responsibilities.

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?utting in e&tra hours at work, or +ob hunting #or house hunting% all add stress and take time and physical effort. "urning up late at work may not be an option but you may be able to cut out some non' essential commitments. =oping with a break up can make you feel more tired than usual so don’t agree to attend a party or commit to spring cleaning the whole house at the weekend. "he vacuuming can wait and your friends will understand. ll you need is money to live on, lots of sleep, nutritious food and moderate e&ercise. Your physical and mental health should be your main priorities. H? 49:> I =  /9*>& If your partner lied to you 9 or if you knew things were going wrong but thought it would be 8 9 you may be feeling as if you let yourself down. ccusations of stupidity are, at best, unhelpful. re recriminations becoming a habit$ o you often find yourself thinking about your mistakes and wishing you could put them right$ It’s perfectly understandable, but you’re damaging yourself without changing the situation. 8, you made a mistake and now your relationship is over. ?romise yourself you’ll be more careful ne&t time and try to think of something more positive. "ip( o

"his is easier said than done, but keeps trying and it will make you much happier

W) <, /)*+7 ?3& Your heart is broken, so why make things worse$ 0ow is the time when you need to look after yourself and that certainly doesn’t include beating yourself up, trying to be superhuman, or dwelling on the past. "ry and make time to en+oy yourself. 1tay in touch with your friends and family. "ell your boss if you’re struggling to cope with work. 2ake time to eat and e&ercise properly and try to

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get some sleep too*

REDISCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS

4reaking up with someone can leave you feeling weaker than ever. It’s a failure, and whatever the reasons behind your split, you’re still likely to feel inade5uate and unable to cope. "his is a great time to re'discover what you’re good at. It may seem improbable if you’ve lost all faith in yourself but there is hope. S/3/ <:: )hen you’ve taken an emotional blow the things you’re used to tackling can seem like overwhelming and insurmountable challenges. "hat is why you should start small. "hink about what you want to achieve and why it scares you or what’s putting you off. "ip( o

You may want to write these down as a list, so you can tick them off as you go and mark your progress.

If you feel unable to leave the house, try going for a short walk. "here doesn’t need to be a purpose, other than to get you outside and prove that you can handle being in public. If you want to see your friend but you don’t fancy a big night out, suggest meeting for a coffee or

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film. -ven small, low pressure activities like these can seem daunting when your world has +ust been flipped over by a relationship split. If you keep trying and adding new accomplishments to your list they will get easier and you’ll soon find you’re on a roll. R<<=3 93 4<:*<+/ )hat do people think of you$ =hances are you’ll have attracted a few compliments over the years from friends, partners, colleagues and employers. ?erhaps you’re known for your diligence at work, or your steadfast loyalty$ Remember as many good things as you can that other people have said to you about your character. If people say you’re friendly and easy'going then tell yourself, AI am friendly and easy'goingB. "his will help you hold onto your good points instead of getting swept away by negativity and self'doubt. 6nless you think all those people are liars$ #/int( "hey’re not%. M, + 4)*;<+/ *+;+/3 long with all the compliments there’s a good chance you’ll have got lots done, even while you were devoting yourself to 2r. or 2rs. -&. )rite down or mentally list your achievements and don’t stop at formal 5ualifications and +ob titles. "hink about specific pro+ects you worked on and all those times you managed to cheer up your best friend or did something scary like volunteering abroad. G =4, / :> )==* id you once have a love of 1udoku or sketching$ Go back to it, re'discover your skill, and have fun* Your art may not be comparable to Can Gogh or Cettriano, but with passion comes improvement. You don’t have to be the best, but knowing that you are the best you can be will do a lot for your self'esteem. C9/ 9/ /) 4+/

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In order to re'discover your strengths you’ll need a positive frame of mind. "his may be a bit of an uphill struggle when you’re getting over a break up and that’s 8. It’s normal to feel bad. @ust remember that the more you think in terms of ‘can’t’ instead of ‘can’ #or ‘could’% the less likely you are to be happy and re'discover those skills and strengths. Inside, you are the same person and you are capable of doing all the things you used to do and more*

FOCUS ON WORK

)hen a relationship ends it can lead to massive changes in your daily routine which could make you feel like your whole life is spiraling out of control. "he thought of turning up at work and going through the motions every day can seem like an insurmountable challenge when you’d rather be crying in a darkened room. 0onetheless, work can help you get your life back. K*::*+7 /*< "here’s no denying that work can take up a lot of time and when our home life is good we often resent the long hours we have to devote to it. In the wake of a break up however, it’s great to have something else that needs your focus. You may need to take a few days off if the break up is very bad 9 whether that’s to get over the shock or simply to make new living arrangements. fter all, there’s no point coming to

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work if you’re likely to end up crying on the phone to customers or absent'mindedly amputating the wrong limb. fter that, you’ll probably find the return to a normal routine reassuring, even if it feels challenging at first. W/3-4:3 </) If you’re lucky you’ll have sympathetic colleagues who will be happy to engage you in all kinds of conversation that doesn’t involve relationships or your e&. "hey may also be able to offer advice or encouragement, or +ust to sympathies and understand when you’re having a rough day. "his is something to be appreciated 9 if your colleagues are kind that means they think you’re a good person who’s worth being kind to. on’t take them for granted* G//*+7  :*. If you do get on with your colleagues then now is the time to think about other social opportunities. fter all, your evenings are probably a lot more empty than they used to be, so it’s 8 to organi!e a bowling trip or accept that candle party invitation #even if you hate candle parties%. You may be surprised how much you en+oy the new company and activities and if you do bump into your e& it’s better to do so when you’re with friends, en+oying yourself. F*+>  +? 7: If you’re newly single that means you have more time and energy to devote to your career. 2aybe your partner was holding you back, discouraging you from going on that course or attending that conference$ s long as you remain single it should be easier to focus on career goals. sk your boss for more training, chase that promotion, or ask for a pay rise if you feel you’ve earned it. ny progress you make at work will bolster your self'esteem and #hopefully% increase your earnings. You can also improve your +ob stability, which should go a long way to easing those money worries that often arise after a relationship ends. E;+ *. 93 /3977:*+7 / 7/ 9/ . =>

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on’t hate your +ob +ust because it takes you away from your darkened room. 1ee it for the opportunity it is to keep your finances and self'esteem in good shape.

ACCEPT HELP FROM FRIENDS

=oping with a break up in secret will always be harder than if you shared the e&perience with your friends. You may not want to admit you need help but a good friend will be keen to support you and there’s no shame in accepting their offer. P34/*4: */+4 "here may be things you need to do that your partner would have done, or helped to do, previously. "his can include house hunting, paying bills, picking up children from school, laundry, cooking, and grocery shopping ... the list goes on* 1uddenly you’re in charge of absolutely everything and the responsibility can be overwhelming. You shouldn’t e&pect your friends to move in and keep your home life running for you, but they may be able to help you with lots of chores. "his can start during your ad+ustment period and go beyond, if necessary. on’t be afraid to ask for help if it hasn’t been offered. Your friends may have held back because they didn’t reali!e you were struggling or they thought you might view it as interference. "ip( o

2ake a list of all the things you have to do and go through each item to see what you

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think you might struggle with. If there’s something you know you won’t be able to do #like pick up the kids because you have to work later on "hursdays% ask a friend if they can help. -ven if your friend can’t do it themselves, they may think of a solution that hadn’t occurred to you. E</*+: 93/ -ven if you’re not a gibbering wreck, you might still need the occasional lengthy phone call or coffee ‘date’ to curb the loneliness and keep you stable. 3riends are perfect for this 9 you already trust them, you know you have lots in common, and you’re used to spending time together which is en+oyable and rela&ing. You’re probably also used to seeing them without your other half, so meeting them for drinks or a film won’t feel like there’s someone missing. F*+>*+7 <+ +? If you keep seeing your friends while you’re getting over that break up then you’ll have a much better social life, and stronger self'esteem, when it’s time to find someone new. uring this frightening period your friends will be your safety net. "hey can help advise you on how to find someone appropriate #and better for you than your e&%. "hey should also provide encouragement and advice on all the little stressful details like what to wear, what to say, and even where to go. If you do find someone you like and it develops into something long term, remember your friends helped you along the way, and don’t drop them like hot cakes for your new love. Y93 +/ :+ ./3 :: -ven if you’re the kind of person who usually hates asking for help, you have to reali!e you’re not superhuman and your friends should be happy to help you where they can. on’t take them for granted and you’ll find they stick around and continue to care for you long after your e& has been and gone.

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LOOKING FORWARD AFTER

0o matter how big or bad the break up, the world keeps on turning. o yourself a favor and learn to look forward, not back. T) .*3/ > . /) 3/ . 93 :*. )as the day you split the worst day of your life$ It’s easy to forget in those circumstances that it’s also the first day of the rest of your life. "he sun is still rising and there are still things that you can do and people who care about you. It’s up to you to make the rest of your life go well, or otherwise, without your e&'partner. If you hide under the duvet it doesn’t mean your life or responsibilities have paused. W)/ ); 9 7/ / = 73/.9: .3& If you’re thinking that’s a rhetorical 5uestion, you’re wrong* -veryone has things that are good in their life so make a list( o

oes your cat still make you smile$ =heck.

o

oes your son still call you from university$ =heck.

o

/ave your friends and family rallied round and shown their support$ =heck.

o

Is there still cake in the fridge$ =heck. 3or now.

Y9 7/ /) *> )hen you see all the things you have to be grateful for in a long list, you should reali!e that

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even a devastating blow like the end of a relationship can’t take everything from you. 4y switching your focus onto what you have instead of what you’ve lost you’ll be in a much better frame of mind for navigating the whole ‘getting over it’ process. D+/ 7/ 497)/ *+  : 7ooking back, regretting, and reminiscing about your old relationship are hard to avoid but too much of this behavior can leave you stuck in a rut. /ow are you going to move on with your life if you can’t stop re'living those final moments$ Recogni!e that your negative thoughts are natural but should be limited. Re'study your list of items to grateful for. =all a friend and arrange a meeting. Go for a walk and take some bread for the ducks at your local park. o whatever you have to take your mind out of the negative loop. M, :+ +? You may not feel like planning a day trip, holiday, or even a cinema trip with your best friend but that’s no reason not to do it. 4eing upset and single is no reason to hide away or avoid the activities you normally en+oy. You are still a worthy human being who is capable of doing things alone and with other people. It’s +ust that you have one less person to plan stuff with. "ip( o

on’t use your social plans to mask your feelings. nything you choose to do outside of work should be en+oyable. If you’re not 5uite ready for that house party or dance then say so. "urning up and putting on a brave face while you’re fighting back the tears will not be en+oyable. In fact, it’ll be a waste of a good party.

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KEEP YOUR DIGNITY

4reak ups are messy, most of the time. You may feel your e& has destroyed your life and taken everything from you, but they can’t take your dignity. )hether you keep that or not is entirely up to you* R;+7 / :: 4/& o

7eaving prawns behind the radiators

o

=utting their clothes

o

1preading malicious gossip

o

1leeping with your e&’s best friend

"here are many ways people seek to take revenge on their e& and although some methods may feel temporarily satisfying they’re likely to damage you as well as your e&. Is childish behavior really something you can be proud of$ "aking revenge makes you look petty and immature. -ven if everybody agrees your e& behaved badly, that’s no reason for you to stoop to the same level or worse. W)+ /3*+7 =4< / <94) :*, /:,*+7 You may think breaking up was a mistake and that you and your e& are destined to be together. 1o maybe you send them a te&t, invite them for a coffee Ato talkB, or even call them late at night to confess your love.

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"rying to win them back is not inherently bad. 4ut if you’re leaving several messages a day or ‘+ust passing’ their house every hour then it’s gone too far and you are sacrificing your dignity. If your e& isn’t responding with a definite AyesB to your initial advances then it’s time to back off and take the hint. You may be convinced you belong together but your e& needs to feel that too. If they don’t reciprocate, you’ll have to walk away. T)3?*+7 93 / /ave you ever seen a couple arguing in public, or when they thought they were alone$ o

ll that shouting, swearing and red'faced anger isn’t attractive or dignified

4efore you start throwing your toys out of the pram and having a massive tantrum, stop and think if it’s really worth it. You’ll e&press your rage but you could also make a fool of yourself. )hy add self' recrimination to your e&isting troubles$ T)/ =/ // It’s been a few weeks or months since you broke up and you still miss them and cry about it sometimes. T)+ /) // "he te&t may mention going for a drink. It may also mention that they miss you. "here may even be kisses at the end. "his is probably a booty te&t. It may also turn up in the form of a phone call or email. If you decide to agree to a meeting you’ll have to be prepared for the fact that you may end up sleeping together, or being pressured to have se&. "his doesn’t mean the relationship is back on, it +ust means your e& is lonely #or horny% and wants some no'strings fun. If you want the same thing, that’s fine. If you want more 9 stay away 9 you’ll feel used and not dignified.

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A, 93 .3*+> It’s easy to lose your perspective and your +udgment may get very cloudy following a break up. If you’re in any doubt about your behavior, ask your closest friends for advice. "hey will have your best interests at heart and can help you avoid making those undignified and humiliating mistakes. R4;3*+7 93 >*7+*/ If you’re reading this article thinking it’s too late 9 don’t worry. ignity can be regained and past humiliations get forgotten. @ust pick yourself up and start over. You can do it*

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PRACTICALITIES HOW TO FIND A RELIABLE TRADESMAN

In the world of 1od’s 7aw it is an absolute given that +ust when you think things can’t get any worse 9 they do* )hether that is waking up to no hot water, or finding the washing machine has packed up mid'cycle, you are suddenly left to tackle problems your e& always fi&ed* 1uddenly you are faced with an emergency and need to find someone to fi& it fast. 4ut where do you start$ nd how do you find someone efficient, honest and reliable who is not going to rip you off$ 8ne of the best bits of advice is not to wait until an emergency occurs and you are in panic because you could end up employing the first person you find. 4etter by far to sort out some reliable trades'people in advance to whom you can turn to when things go pear'shaped. /ow do you go about finding someone reliable to do a +ob$ P)+  .3*+> "his may seem old'fashioned but it is still one of the best methods. sk around amongst your friends and neighbors and see who they have used and who they recommend. 2ost people are happy to pass on numbers and an awful lot of tradesmen get work by word of mouth. "hey know that if they do a poor +ob word will soon get round the neighborhood. You need to feel comfortable with whoever you are employing, however small the +ob. 3or women in particular, bear in mind you will be alone in the house with the person.

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If the +ob is one that takes a few days or weeks 9 maybe ma+or renovation work, or complete room re'decoration ' consider whether you would trust the person to be left alone in your house amongst your valued possessions. You may have to go off to work and leave them with the keys. on’t use someone who makes you feel intimidated or uncomfortable. L4: 49+4*: 2any local types of council are involved with the "rustmark scheme under which local approved tradesmen operate in the areas of repair, maintenance and improvement. It is a mark of 5uality and shows that the company operates to a standard and employs reputable, trustworthy tradesmen. "he companies are assessed annually by "rustmark to make sure they are up to scratch. nyone you employ backed by this scheme will have been checked to see they are working legally, have insurance, good health and safety records and customer service. L4: *7+ eep an eye out for work going on locally where the tradesman has put out a board.

SEPARATION WITH CHILDREN

)hen a couple with children decide to go their separate ways there are often a range of issues and phases that are to be navigated until the shared parenting of their children runs smoothly #or at least smoother%.

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"he main problem is that the e&act reason most couples are parting is because they no longer share the same values about life, raising children, work, family, friends etc. 1o, once separated, those differences can seem even more pronounced and it’s difficult to agree on anything. t the beginning there is a huge amount to come to terms with. 3eelings of guilt and inade5uacy, coupled with a fear of the future are all normal, but there can also positive side' effects such as the lack of constant arguing and perhaps a sense of relief that you’ve finally reached a decision and can move forward with your life. 1plitting up doesn’t mean that you cease to have a relationship and in many ways the areas you found difficult as a couple such as communicating with one another, reaching compromises and differences about how to bring up your children, are precisely the areas that need to be tackled and resolved during separationDDfor the sake of the children. -very couple is different but here are some common areas of conflict that many people encounter. T) F<*: H< @M*+9 O+ "he party who moves out of the family home will undoubtedly become detached or disinterested about that home because a% it is no longer their home and b% they must focus on creating a new home where they can build a new environment to share the care of their children. "he partner still living in the family home must learn to stand on their own two feet and not e&pect support from their e&'partner. Instead, embrace the changes and rise to the challenge of being alone. 7earn how to cook, decorate or do IY' you might even en+oy it* nd involve the children. It can help everyone concerned to start anew by creating a fresh environment ' paint the walls a new color, have a clear out and re'arrange the furniture. M+  huge factor in most splits and responsible for E;F of arguments is money, especially in the current economic climate. 4e realistic from the start. 6nless money isn’t an issue, both parties will need to make

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significant changes to be able to ‘afford’ to split. "ry to have a budget and agree a plan of action by all means but also be wary that once the other party has left the family home, and true e&pense of moving out has sunk in, their priorities may ad+ust and their generosity may diminish. 4e prepared. Get legal advice about what you are entitled to. "here are many ways to save money and reduce the burden, from =ouncil "a& discounts to childworking ta& credits. A44 "his is an area that is very personal to each family. 1ome factors to consider are the ages of the children concerned, their e&tra'curricular activities and the parents’ work schedules. 2ost of the e&perts say that in the case of young children little and often is best, which means regular contact with both parents rather than large periods of time away from one parent. Include the children in the decision'making if they are old enough. 7isten to what they want. ccess must, where possible, be arranged to cause the least amount of disruption to your children’s lives. Ideally, especially in the case of very young children, the parent who isn’t the primary care giver should try to see the children during the week as well as on weekends. /olidays should be shared. S+>*+7 T*< T7/)3 A  F<*: 1ome separated couples arrange days to spend altogether as a family, in a bid to ease the burden of the split for the children #or themselves% and create a sense of normality. "here is something to be said for a ‘softer’ approach. /owever, be warned that you may be creating yet more problems and potential confrontation. ‘?utting on a show’ is stressful and the kids usually pick up on it anyway. 1uch get'togethers may +ust give the children false hope and prolong the agony. L*.   S*+7: P3+/ 3irstly, don’t worry. =hildren brought up by single parents, if raised to be independent and confident, lead very normal lives and succeed professionally. Your children may be upset about the split, but once they see that both parents are happier, and they don’t have to see you fight and argue each day, they will be happier too.

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In some ways being a single parent gives you the opportunity to form a firmer bond with your child #rent% and to bring them up according to your values, when they are with you. "his leads on to the matter of inconsistent parenting. )hilst it is better for both parents to follow the same overall principles of parenting in terms of bed'time rituals, manners, homework, acceptable behavior etc. there will probably be some inconsistent parenting, but isn’t that the same in households where both parents are still together$ on’t sweat the small stuff but speak to your e& if you think an inconsistent approach is disrupting your child or causing them to behave badly. Resist the urge to over'compensate with gifts and treats for the children to ‘make up’ for the situation. 4e firm and consistent even though at times you may +ust want an easy life* -&plain that the new set'up is different and you will need them to be more helpful. "each them to be responsible and independent by helping around the house with the daily chores. pply this simple rule ' Reward good behavior and discipline bad behavior.

RUNNING A HOUS FOR THE FIRST TIME

You and your partner have separated which means you are now living alone. If you were used to your e& dealing with the daily household activities, you may find facing them daunting at first. /owever, rest assured and follows these handy tips so that you too can make your house your home. 3irstly, nearly all big house'hold appliances have online manuals 9 free of charge* ll you

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need to do is find the relevant manufacturers’ website and have the relevant model number ready, and then you are good to go. 1o if you’ve never dealt with the washing machine before and don’t know where to start, then problem solved* G//*+7 S/3/> )here to start is usually the main delay for doing any of the chores* 4reak down your house into segments and decided which room you want to tackle first. )alking into the room and doing an initial clear up is usually a good way to start. 2ove the dirty dishes into the dishwasher or sink pick socks off the floor and into the laundry basket etc. 8nce you have cleared your surfaces, you will see what really needs to be done* E9*<+/ .3 /) = Invest in some basic cleaning supplies. 0e&t time you’re in your local supermarket or even discount stores, have a wonder down the ‘home’ aisle. ?ick up some sponges and cloths, polish, bin bags and perhaps even a dustpan. "here are cleaning wipes available for almost every part of the house these days, so to make life easier swap the polish for some furniture wipes. 8nce you’re e5uipped with the right tools for the +ob, things will seem easier and less ta&ing for you. M, */ :*+7 2aintaining the house doesn’t have to be a chore. ?ut on some music and you’ll find you’re merrily blit!ing time away whilst you’re cleaning. -nsure to wear comfy clothes that you don’t mind getting dirty. W)/;3 3< 93 *+' ?3, 93 ? .3< /) / >?+ 0ever vacuum first and then clean the surfaces otherwise all of your hard work on the floors will have to be re'done, if you can face it* T*< 1et aside at least H days a week if you can to give the house of thorough blit!. 8therwise, try and clean up after yourself as you go. 8therwise, the small things will build up by the end

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of the week and you’ll find you have an even bigger and messier +ob to do than necessary. M,  7: rrange for friends and families to come round to your place 9 that way you will have an incentive to make the house presentable* T4,:*+7 /) 3< o

itchen

Your kitchen should always be clean as this is where you are cooking* =lean dishes as you go so that the dirt won’t settle. 3illing your sink with hot soapy water and letting your dishes soak for a while will make the task easier. 8r if you have a dishwasher, fill it up and switch on when full 9 you really have no e&cuse. =lean the worktops with your handy surface wipes and brush away any of those crumbs on the floor with your dustpan or vacuum if necessary. -mptying the garbage is very important. 2ake sure you know what day the bin collectors arrive so that you’re on time every week. It won’t be pleasant for anyone to allow the rubbishDand the smell to build up* Remember to clear out your fridge every now and then and give that good wipe down at least once a month. o

4athroom

2aintaining your bathroom should be on your high list of household priorities. "ry and give it a wipe down every day after you shower. 8therwise you should definitely set aside a day a week to give it a good scrub. 6se your wipes for the sinkbath tub showerfloor and invest in a good toilet cleaner and brush to leave everything spotless. eep the windows slightly a+ar to allow some fresh air to circulate or even pop some scented candles in there. fter a hard day’s work, the idea of a bath seems more appealing knowing your tub is clean and the bathroom smells good* o

"he bedroom

lways make your bed every day 9 this seems obvious but it’s ama!ing the amount of people that don’t do this* o this as soon as you get up and ensure to clean and change your sheets every now and then to keep things fresh. "he same rules apply here, wipe the

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surface clean and vacuum at the very least once a week. You may be single now but you’ll very soon be ready to mingle, so remember to keep this room as inviting and appealing as possible* "o keep your tasks at hand, keep a brief checklist and put it somewhere you won’t miss 9 like on the fridge door. 2ake a list of what you need from your supermarket every week so that you’re always up to date and never out of supply. t the end of the day, the standards of your house say a lot about you. 2aintaining it is not that ta&ing even if you’ve never had to do it before$ 1tart small a do pieces day by day. You need to be comfortable in it, and not embarrassed to have guests round. You take pride in your appearance, so apply the same rules to your home.

MANAGING YOUR #OB

It can be tough to face work when you have a broken heart. Your mind won’t allow you to focus on the +ob, but instead flashback to the time you had with your e&. You may not be ready to face the world, but lying in bed all day is not going to get you anywhere. /ere are some helpful tips which may help the ‘getting back to work’ process a little bit easier( K*4, /3/ 93 > ?*/) < <9*4  break up can leave you feeling low but it is important you do not wallow around in your misery. "ry something simple like listening to an upbeat song first thing in the morning.  positive beat can provide you with the urge to have a dance and put that smile back on your face. 0o one is watching you so give it a go* ?hysical activity is the key to uplifting your

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mood and providing you with some energy to help get through the day T, < /*< 9/ It is normal that your e& is going to be on your mind so it is important you schedule some time out at work to clear your head. If you are feeling overwhelmed, allow yourself time to breathe. Go to the toilet or get a drink so you can get away from your desk for a few minutes. Remember to keep the escapes short and when you get back, you should be more focused on the task at hand. 6se your breaks to have a walk outside and get some fresh during the day. -&ercise as well as daylight can be beneficial to both your mental and physical health. C+4+/3/ 3ocus on one goal at a time. It may not be wise to take on any e&tra work as you are probably not as motivated as usual so move slowly until your energy is back to normal. 1et yourself a professional goal each day. "his will give you something else to focus on and distract you from thinking of your personal life. -nsure to stick to regular work hours. If things do become too much, take some annual leave that you’re entitled to. K */ 3.*+: You are not going to be able to escape your personal dramas if you bring your breakup to the office with you. If your co'workers are your friends, talk to them outside of work. 8therwise, rehashing the gory details may make you feel worse and will keep you from focusing on your +ob. "he same applies to accepting calls or receiving te&ts from your friends. on’t allow the distractions at work, save it for when you get home. You do not want to be the sub+ect of ‘office gossip’, so try and maintain your professionalism. C<<9+*4/ "alking to your boss may help. You don’t have to go into details, but if you are struggling at work, arrange a meeting with your employer. -&plain that you are not yourself and that you’re going through a rough time. 7et them know that you will be back to yourself soon. 8therwise they may assume you are simply slacking off* D+/ <, + )/ >4**+

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If you were stressed at work before your breakup, you are bound to feel worse now you have the added stress over your head. on’t make any rash decisions with your career until your head is clear and you have dealt with your personal anguish. 8therwise you may not be thinking straight and decide on something you may regret at a later stage. 4e grateful in the meantime be grateful you even have a +ob* "he money you gain from it will provide you with the food and e&penditure you need to heal during this hard time. t the end of the day, we’ve all e&perienced a break up at some point in our lives. )hilst you may +ust want to grieve, you’ll have to focus your energy on other aspects of life to be able to move on. =oncentrate on your +ob as the routine may provide you the welcome distraction you need to get back to normal.

COPING WITH NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

/uman nature forces us to "RY and solve our problems it is our way of trying to cope. 1ometimes, problems can be easily resolved by taking direct action. /owever, whenever the problem is prolonged, like dealing with the end of a relationship our coping turns into an emotional focus. )e need to take our time to accept the change so that we can restore ourselves back to normality. =oping with new responsibilities in the house that you never had to deal with before can therefore be a combination of both problems focused and emotion focused efforts of coping. /ere are some tips to try and reduce stress in the home( T,  =3/)3

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"ry and find at least three things that rela& you and incorporate them into your daily routine. -ven if it is +ust sitting down in your comfy chair, brewing some herbal tea or listening to some music, it is important to take some time out so you don’t become overwhelmed. O37+*J/*+ "hings can get out of control if you do not priorities and organi!e. If you can’t find the bills amongst your clutter or don’t remember your security alarm code, it is time you got yourself organi!ed. You’re new to coping with things alone, don’t try and do everything at once. 1pend a little time each day to have a 5uick tidy then perhaps your house won’t be so cluttered and you fill find things you are looking for without having to empty all your drawers out* 2ake a note of important passwords etc. 182-)/-R- 13- so that you don’t have a panic attack each time you have a memory lapse. G/  )== )alk away from your stress by doing something you en+oy. If the house work is getting on top of you, it’s ok 9 you’re not on a time limit* ?erhaps you need to re'energies by doing something that calms you then you can come back and tackle your problems with clear head. M, /*< ?*/) 93 .3*+> 8ne of the best ways to cope with stress is to be around your friends and family and communicate to them what you are going through. )hether you +oin them for dinner or +ust speak on the phone, they can provide you the morale support you need and perhaps offer you advice you never thought of before. If since your break up it is now +ust you and your kids, maintaining the home can become even the more daunting than ever. 3ollow these tips to help you through the day H;  4:3 9/ You may find your house is soon becoming an e&plosion of toys. "he time comes when your children do not need their J;;; toys, especially if they’re broken* onate the things you can to charity rather than find yourself tidying up after them every day. M, 4:+*+7  3:/*+ 3/)3 /)+  4)3

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6se the time to wash those dirty dishes as a time to listen to some music, soak your hands in the warm water and en+oy the calm. 2ake cleaning an indulgence rather than effort and you will find your stress levels will be back to normal again.

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PROPERTY ISSUES SELL OR RENT OUT- A %UICK CHECK LIST TO HELP YOU

"he repercussions of a break up can be complicated, especially if property is involved. )hether you own your home or have been renting, the decision about what to do with it now youKre splitting up is always a difficult one. If you choose to sell your home and no legal arrangements were made when you purchased your property, it may be necessary to involve the courts so a fair assessment can be made when splitting the money from the sale. Your rights to the sale will depend on various factors including( o

If you and your partner were married

o

If you or your partner or both owns the property

o

If you have children

o

If there is legal agreement

o

If consistent mortgage payments were made

o

If you paid any of the deposit

o

"he length of time you lived in the property

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/owever if you did have a legal arrangement in place, then selling the home and splitting the proceeds would be the alternative option. 8n the other hand, one of you may decide to buy the other out. )hoever keeps the home will need to refinance the property in their name only and pay a certain amount of money to whomever leaves. It may be that you are still responsible for paying the mortgage, even if you do move out. eep your wits about you and continue to make the payments otherwise you could see your home repossessed and sold off to cover the costs. "he /ousing Rights 1ervice is there to give you advice if you are worried about mortgage payments. )hoever remains in the property must inform all necessary authorities such as the =ouncil "a& epartment that they are the only occupant in the household as this will affect the rate they pay. "his person must also ensure it is their name only that appears on any utility bills so that the other half does not get chased for payments. RENTING If you choose to rent out your property, the following must be considered( o

3inance

Renting out your home must work out financially better for you. You must firstly find out how much rent you can charge and how that will compare to your mortgage. It is a good idea to understand your market and find out how much rent similar properties charge. 1eek an opinion from a few estate agents who can provide you with an estimate of how much rent your property could receive. fter doing this, you will have a better indication of potential monthly rent and how this compares to your mortgage. eep in mind there will be e&tra costs involved rental commission taken by the estate agents and any maintenance cost for your property 9 as the landlord 9 it will be your responsibility. Renting out your property will most likely mean you are moving into a new home you need to decide whether you are up for the task of maintaining H properties. "his may be daunting but bear in mind council ta& and utility bills will now be paid for by your tenants. o

ssistance

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If you would rather not use an agent to set things up, be prepared for the amount of work involved. If there are any problems with the property, it will be your responsibility to fi& things fast and to sort out 77 of the paperwork. 8n the other hand, letting agents can do all the graft for you as well as finding the tenants and managing the rent. 4efore agreeing to anything, assess their charges carefully along with any other hidden e&tras there may be. /unt around for a good agent before settling for the cheapest, it will be worth it. o

dvise your mortgage lender

It is advisable to re5uest a permission to let from your mortgage providers as they need to be aware that you wish to rent out your property. -&plain your circumstances to them and why you wish to do this and they will most likely let you rent out your home for at least two years. 4e aware they may charge for their permission to do this. Your mortgage lender does have the right to deny you to let the property out. If you feel they are being unreasonable, let them know in writing and then if necessary contact the 3inancial 8mbudsman. o

now what’s involved

s a landlord, you must know what is e&pected of you and what you can e&pect from your tenants. You will have to ensure to follow rules and regulations regarding gas, fire and electrical safety re5uirements in your property. 6se a proper tenancy agreement and make yourself and your tenants aware of the law on notice periods. It will +ust make life easier for the both of you* o

Insurance

7andlords must take out a separate building insurance as the policy differs to that of owner occupier insurance. You may also have to look into contents insurance as well if you are leaving your furniture in the property. You can also take out an insurance policy to cover the tenants rent if they do not pay or something goes wrong. "his can be done either through you landlords insurance or through a standalone policy.

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DIVIDING UP YOUR BELONGINGS WHAT TO TAKE

It can be complicated deciding how to divide your possessions between you and your e&, but it is an important conversation that you both must have. "here are three ways this can be done( o

o

o

You and your e& decide yourselves how to divide your belongings without involving the court You can use a solicitormediator to apply for a consent order in court to formali!e your agreement If a decision cannot be made amongst yourselves, you can apply for a financial order in court

eciding to split up your belongings yourselves comes at no charge so this is usually the preferred option* Generally if you are unmarried and purchased your belongings yourself, you are still the rightful owner following a split. Your e& does not have rights to what you have purchased. /owever if you and your e& made purchases together, you are both entitled to a share based on the amount that you each contributed.  good starting point will be to decide what you both actually need. "ry and be fle&ible if you can when negotiating with each other. If one person paid more for one item then perhaps they should keep it, otherwise a payout could be offered to purchase the item back. ecide whether an item is really worth the fight. If a possession has sentimental value then you need to discuss this. Remember, these issues can 5uickly escalate if you allow things to become petty. lways consider what possessions are going to be worth the stress and 51

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what can be easily replaced$ If things get really complicated, you may need to seek outside help from a mediator or solicitor. 2ediators are independent negotiators who will try to get an agreement by working with both you and your e&.  solicitor will assist you to reach an agreement and try to get the courts to confirm the arrangement for you. If you and your e& were married it may be necessary to involve the courts to settle any financial disputes you have. "he courts ultimate decision will be based on a number of factors such as( o

)hat each party owns and owes

o

4oth your financial contributions to the marriage based on your salary

o

8utside financial contributions such as inheritances from families

o

0on'financial contributions to the marriage, how you care for your children etc.

o

4oth parties’ future re5uirements 9 your age, health and various other factors that may affect your ability to earn and care for your children

E4) 4 * 9+*9 +> 4<:/: >+>+/ + *+>*;*>9: 4*349</+4 o

?ets

"here are some things that money cannot replace 9 like a beloved pet you both own. )ho gets to keep A1hadowB the dog$ Reaching a mutual decision can be tough but try and settle things rationally. You must decide what is ultimately best for your animal. 2any pets are often viewed in the same light as children in a relationship. "hey become your baby that you look after and revolve your life around. @ust as people do with children during a break'up, many pet owners seek +oint custody with their pets. lthough it can be costly and complicated, it could be the best option for you both so you each remain in their lives. ?erhaps if you share more than one pet you could think about splitting them up. You could be more attached to one animal and your partner another so it may make sense they keep

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the cat and you keep the dog. 1o long as your animals won’t be traumati!ed, separating them may be a good option. You need to reali!e which of you is going to be more suited to looking after your pet. )hose lifestyle is more suitable to care for them$ )ill you honestly have the time and money to focus on them yourself$ You can always set up a visitation schedule so that if one of you keeps the pet the other can still see them or help out when they can. "ry to keep your arrangement on good terms by communicating anything unusual or new you notice from your time together with your pet 9 remember you both have your pets best interest at heart.

STAY OR MOVE AWAY

If you and your partner were living together but your relationship has come to an end, what do you do now$ o you want to make a 5uick e&it or will your financial situation not allow you to$ "he decision to stay or move away is not one to be taken lightly. t the end of the day, you must choose what is best for you C)*+7 / / If you have to stay in the property due to financial reasons, focus on the following to try and make life easier( o

eep each other in mind

1hould one of you start to date again, try to be considerate and not flaunt your new

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con5uest in each other’s face$ void any nasty surprises by letting each other know if you are e&pecting company or going on a date. You don’t want to tip toe around each other but a little courtesy will go far in the long run. o

keep busy

Give each other some space. If you are in a situation where you have to remain living together, it’s not going to be easy if you are constantly in each other’s company. 1ociali!e with your friends, go for a walk, go to the gym 9 do whatever you can to get out of the house* You will both need time to clear your minds and it won’t be easy if your living and breathing each other as you used to do. o

stay strong

2aybe this isn’t the ideal situation to be in, but for whatever reason you’re in it. 7earning to live with your e& as a friend not a lover can be tricky, but +ust remember why you broke up in the first place so you don’t slip back into nasty habits. It’s not going to be easy, but stick through it and +ust remember your situation is hopefully not permanent. C)*+7 / <; If the thought of remaining in the same house as your e& is unbearable, then it’s time to move on. "hat is only if you can financially. If so then great* 3ocus on the positives and what can help you get through your breakup( o

Remove yourself from the situation

4y moving out of a home you once shared, you will be separating yourself from any negativity that has or could result from your break'up. You need to separate yourself from further anguish and not torture yourself by remaining in the same house, especially in the same bed. 8nly then can you truly digest what has happened and start to move on with your life. eeping your distance may be the key to your recovery. o

Gain some ‘me’ time

1ei!e this opportunity to take some time out and think about what it is you want. You only have to answer to yourself. @oin a new club, watch as much sports as you like, hit the gym 9

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do whatever is going to take your mind off things and keep you happy. "his will also be a good opportunity to catch up with your friends if you felt out of the loop whilst you were in a relationship. Get yourself involved and don’t isolate yourself from the people that care about you. o

2ake yourself a new home

You and your e& may have had different ideas about how to decorate your house but now that you are moving on and out, you can put your own spin on things. It can be 5uite liberating to do e&actly what it is you want in the house 9 especially if it is +ust your taste that you are accounting for. 2ake your new place your home, somewhere you will feel comfortable and happy in and that you can identify with. o

7ook to the future

2oving out from your e& does not necessarily mean the end of the road for you both. ?erhaps this is the time out and space you have needed. You may never be romantically involved again, but once you’ve both worked on your lives away from each other, your friendship may be able to grow in the future. 8n the other hand, taking a step away from your past may lead you to better and brighter things in the form of someone new. -verything will take time, but you will be happy again.

THINGS YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO LOCATE IN YOUR HOME

0ow that you are ‘home alone’ you will have to become resourceful in order to cope with the une&pected everyday dilemmas you may be faced with. In order to help you run the house and avoid spending a week sitting in the dark eating cold baked beans and wearing the

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same shirt for five days, you will need to familiari!e yourself with how the house runs. /ere’s a list of J; essential items in the house you need to locate and know what to do with( o

"oolkittorch

You will need to locate the basic tools like screwdriver and pliers for changing plugs etc.  torch is vital if you have a power cut or need to search for something. o

-mergency telephone numbers

2ake sure you have to hand phone numbers for your doctor, dentist, electrician and other tradesmen, car breakdown service, the vet, children’s’ school and anyone else you may seek in an emergency. o

=old water stopcock

"his is usually located under the kitchen sink and enables you to turn off the mains water. o

3use bo&

If the power goes off, or an appliance suddenly blows a fuse, you will need to find the fuse bo& and know how to change it if necessary. o

Gas, electricity and water meters

"he electricity meter is with the fuse bo&. Your power supplier will want to take the meter reading when he visits. "he gas meter will be outside and the water meter #if you have one% will probably be fitted to the mains supply in the road. o

Instruction manuals for household appliances, garbage collection calendar

It is always a good idea to have a special folder to hand #in a kitchen drawer maybe% with instruction manuals in for all household appliances 9 cooker, washing machine, tumble drier, "C, boiler etc. 2ost councils issue recycling calendars showing when garbage and recycling is collected. eep this safe as you do not want to keep your rubbish for a week longer than you have too* o

ocuments for mortgage, bank statements, car and household insurances

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It is absolutely vital that you locate documents relating to the mortgage #when paid, terms of ete, when it e&pires etc.%, as well as insurances for house, contents, the car and their e&piry dates. o

4oiler control panel

Read up on how the boiler ?rogramme works or you may wake up one day with no hot waterD o

eys to doors, windows and cupboards

3ind out where all the keys are to your front door, back door, garage doors, garden shed, windows and anything else you may re5uire. eep them in one place. Your safety in the house is vital. o

=ode for burglar alarm

If you have one, know the code*

MOVING BACK WITH MUM AND DAD

If you and your e& were living together, chances are you are now looking to move out. "here is no rush to buy a new property. It is important that you don’t make any long term commitments that you may later regret, but instead get your affairs in order first. "he easiest short'term solution for many is to move back in with your parents. "his does not make you any less of a person* Your parents are there to support you whilst

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you are feeling low and you will soon find yourself on top again. "ake the positives out of this situation, make the most out of this opportunity and you’ll come out stronger at the end of it. /ere are some of the main benefits of moving back in with mum and dad and tips to ensure the return home is successful( o

3inance

2oving back in with your parents will greatly decrease your e&penses and provide you with enough time to get back on your feet and save money. /owever, do not take advantage of their generosity. Give back when you can, even if you +ust do the grocery shop and help clean the house 9 let your parents know that you are not taking them for granted. It is not uncommon to set up a formal agreement with you parents before you move in. ?utting it in writing will make your arrangement more formal and it should help to keep your independence. ny e&penses that you are e&pected to contribute to should be outlined in this agreement. 3or instance, if your parents choose to charge you a reduced amount of rent or help out with the bills, highlighting this early on will make things easier in the long'run. o

You know what to e&pect

6nlike renting a new property with complete strangers, you already know what it’s like to live with mum and dad* "here will be no nasty surprises and you can rela& in an environment that is already familiar to you. It is important you show your parents respect and common courtesy at all times. s an adult, you should not have a curfew however it is still polite to keep your parents informed of your whereabouts so that they do not unnecessarily worry. Remember you are now living under their roof 9 their house, their rules. o

2oving back with children

If your parents have been kind enough to offer you and your children a home until you get back on your feet remember that living together under the same roof will take some ad+ustment for everyone. Grandparents and grandchildren en+oy a special relationship and it’s important to agree rules and boundaries to help ensure that the stress of living together

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doesn’t spoil things for the future. 3or instance, you may think that you have a free baby' sitter at the drop of the hat but your mum and dad may have other ideas. Remember, they have a life too. gree rules and boundaries and make sure that the grand'parents understand that you are the parent not them* o

7iving well

2oving back to the comfort of a warm and cared for home will no doubt be better than staying in your local "ravel 7odge or your friends couch. /owever do not get too comfy* It is important to reali!e you are still a guest. )hilst it may be easy to revert back to your childhood ways and allow your parents to cook and clean for you, you must try to resist this help and keep your independence by not taking advantage. o

1upport

Your parents will be there for you during your time of need. 7iving at home will give you a chance to re'establish yourself. If you decide to move back home it is vital you have an e&it strategy in place first. iscuss this with your parents as they may have different ideas about when you’ll be leaving. /ave a specific date or goal to reach in order to move out and state this clearly in your agreement. o

ppreciation

You will appreciate your parents even more as you will reali!e what they go through to help you. In the end, this will strengthen the relationship that you already have with mum and dad. It is inevitable that things will not always run smoothly at home but it is important that you deal with these problems. 3ind out what caused them and learn from it.

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HEALTH MATTERS RECOVERING FROM A BREAK UP

"he recovery process can be long and your progress might not always follow a regular pattern. Recovering from a break up can take months or even years 9 each case will be different. It’s important to remember that this can take time but, like so many others, you’re likely to make a full recovery. /ere’s a doctor’s advice on what to e&pect and how you can help yourself get better. H: .3< /)3 : "he first thing to remember is that you don’t have to cope alone. You can get support from your G? and a counsellor as well as your friends and family. ifferent people will be able to provide different types and amounts of help, so it’s a good idea to share your problems with as many people as you can. "ip( o

"his doesn’t include talking to strangers on the bus or calling your employer for a serious heart to heart.

H: .3< ?3, If your G? decided to sign you off work for a short period to help you cope with the shock and stress, you’re probably looking forward to regaining your old routine. 61

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/aving a steady routine and purpose for five days a week can be a great emotional stabili!er. It will help take your mind off your emotional worries for e&tended periods of time. You can also use work to give you a new focus in life. Retraining, chasing a promotion, or asking for a well'deserved pay rise, are all good uses of your time and they can boost your self'esteem as well as your salary. T, 43 . 93 ):/) 2oderate e&ercise to release mood'boosting endorphins, and a healthy diet, will go a long way toward keeping your emotions balanced and positive. Remember that alcohol is a depressant and your consumption should be low. 3or men the recommended amount is HJ units or less, taken across the week. 3or women, J< units is the recommended ma&imum amount, and this should also be spread across the week. If you’re struggling to cope with a break up then it’s advisable to cut out alcohol altogether, or stay well below your weekly limit. If you’ve been using cigarettes or illegal drugs as coping mechanisms, these should be given up, as the resultant health issues and risks will not help you in the long term. C3/  +? @*<3;> 9 It may not feel like it, but breaking up is an opportunity for something new and better to develop. Your self'esteem and body image may need a lot of help to become strong. 7ooking after your physical and emotional wellbeing can lead to an improved version of yourself that you didn’t reali!e was possible. "ake heart that your recovery process could result in something really great. T, 93 /*< )hen it comes to getting over a relationship, there are no time limits. You haven’t failed if you still think of your e& #and even if you still miss them% si& or twelve months after it ended. "his means your need for support may also go on for a long time. on’t be afraid to be honest with your friends, or to keep seeing your counsellor. You should also avoid dating,

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until you feel ready.

WHEN SHOULD YOU SEE YOUR GENERAL PRACTITIONER

It seems to be a little known fact that G?s can help with emotional matters as well as physical ones. In the case of relationship break ups, these two often come hand in hand. 1o, when should you see your G?$ W)+ 9 +> / /:, If you’re distressed during or after a break up then your G? is there to talk to. You may have personal, or health concerns related to the breakup which you’re not comfortable sharing with friends. Your G? can offer advice on stress management, as well as listening to your problems. lternatively you may wish to seek counselling, and your G? will be able to refer you to someone suitable. W)+ 9 +>  *4, +/ If you’re struggling to cope with the stress of a break up then you may want to ask your G? for a sick note. It’s far better to be honest with your employer about the reason for needing time off. )ith the support of your G? you don’t need to feel guilty for having a few days or a week away from work. "ip(

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o


Remember that work should not be put off more than necessary, as the return to a structured routine is beneficial when you’re getting over a break up.

W)+ 93 9*+7 :4): 3 >397  + </*+: 439/4) It’s common for people to turn to alcohol or drugs to help them rela& and forget about the sadness they feel after a break up. If you begin taking drugs, or if your alcohol consumption goes up rapidly, your G? can help you find the support you need to get these habits back under control. on’t wait until you’re reliant on your daily fi& to ask* W)+ 9 +> +/*->3+/ ?rescription drugs are for serious cases. If you’re struggling to cope with the emotional after effects of your break up, talk to your G? and ask about the possibility of taking anti' depressants. /e or she will be able to talk you through the possible side effects, and discuss any suitable alternatives with you. W)+ 9 +> 9: ):/) >;*4 If your partner cheated on you then you may need to get tested for 1"s. "his may seem like an embarrassing and even shameful e&perience but it’s important for your peace of mind as well as your physical health. 1everal common 1"s can be treated 5uite simply, so don’t be shy* Your G? can also advise you on contraception when you’re ready to start dating again. W : /:, / <+ 1tatistics show that men are far more reticent about visiting their G? than women. It may be admirable that you want to cope alone, but you don’t have to* G?s are here to help men and women deal with the emotional and physical problems which are an inevitable part of broken relationships. "here is no shame in anyone seeking ?rofessional assistance and it is far better to look after you by getting appropriate support.

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THE WHOLE FAMILY

fter a break up it’s easy to forget that there are often more than +ust two people involved. =hildren will also be affected by the events and emotions your split generates. A379<+/ +> 4)*:>3+ If you and your e& have been arguing while the children are within earshot they’re bound to be worried about what they’ve heard. "hey may not understand what was being said or why, but the raised voices will be enough to make them uneasy. If your children have witnessed any arguments make sure you talk to them about how it’s made them feel. "hey will probably need some reassurance that things will be 8 #which doesn’t mean telling them the family is staying together if it’s not% and that they are still loved. on’t make them feel they have to choose sides. Ideally your children won’t have to see or hear any angry e&changes, but even if they don’t they can still pick up on the troubled atmosphere. "ry to make sure they understand what’s going on and give them the opportunity to ask 5uestions, as they may be worried about something you hadn’t thought of. B);*3: 4)+7 s your children try to ad+ust to the changes they may become clingy, an&ious, or develop behavioral problems, such as aggression or bed wetting. In these instances it may be necessary to talk to someone at your child’s school so that you can deal with their behavior together.

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Remember that your child may not have the verbal capacity or emotional insight to e&plain to you why their behavior is changing. on’t assume they want to cause trouble, or that they’re trying to make your life harder. "hey may simply be feeling insecure and struggling to deal with it. "ip( o

sk your G? for advice if your child’s behavior becomes problematic, or if you think they may be depressed. Your doctor can refer your child to an appropriate counsellor for help, and may be able to recommend some support groups.

G3+>3+/ -ven though a rift has developed between you and your e&'partner, there’s no need to stop letting your children see both sets of grandparents. =ontinuing contact with other members of both families can help children feel more secure. It also reinforces the message that they don’t have to choose one side over the other, a situation which can be deeply distressing. S93/*+7 ;3> :*. @ust as you may be finding it hard to concentrate at work, your children may be struggling to keep up with their school work and friends. on’t forget to take the time to ask about their day and help them with their homework. If the homework is beyond you, enlist the help of a friend, relative, or tutor. /elping your child maintain their grades will support their self'esteem, as well as giving them a good start in life. =ontinuing their play dates and sleepovers, where possible, will also help them ad+ust. Remember that they need friends +ust as much as you do.

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PHYSICAL EFFECTS

)ith your emotions fluctuating on a daily or even hourly basis, it’s no surprise that your body goes through changes too. "hese are often stress related and they take many forms. C)+7*+7 /*/ 1ome people feel hungrier than normal, while others lose the will to eat almost completely. "his can lead to weight gain or loss, which can be unhealthy if it goes too far. You may also find that gaining a few pounds with an increased appetite makes you feel even worse about yourself than you did before. "his is no time to stop looking after you. )hether you’re feeling hungry or not, try to eat three healthy meals a day and avoid the temptation of snacking on +unk food. If you can stick to a healthy diet your body will cope much better with the stress it’s under. C+4+/3/*+ +> : You may notice a dip in your powers of concentration, especially if you’re not sleeping well #which is another common after'effect of a break up%. If your sleeping pattern has gone astray, try to bring it back naturally by avoiding sad or distressing "C programs, and computer work, for at least an hour before you go to bed.

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2ake sure you’re in bed at a reasonable time and invest in a sunrise alarm clock to help you wake naturally. You may also want to see your G? about prescription sleep aids, or for advice on naturally improving your sleep pattern. Your concentration should improve on its own as your sleep pattern regulates and you begin to ad+ust to your new situation. -&tra caffeine is not recommended, as it will make sleep harder. It may be useful as a stimulant but it won’t necessarily help you concentrate on the right things. H>4)' IBS' +> N9 You may find yourself getting these after your break up. 3or help with I41 symptoms, consult your G?. D3*+,' 4*73//' +> >397 If your feelings are making you turn to alcohol, cigarettes, or other drugs for comfort, be aware of your e&cesses and try to follow a healthier lifestyle. lcohol is a depressant, and although people commonly use it to help them rela& it won’t help you feel better in the long term. 0icotine and illegal drugs also come with severe risks and should be avoided. 3or help to 5uit smoking, or help with other drug related issues, consult your G? for advice and support. Remember, you can also ask your G? for dietary and e&ercise advice if you need to. H:/) :*;*+7 Your emotions are putting your body under strain they can even impair your immune system making you prone to colds and other viruses. "his means it’s even more important to get a healthy diet and e&ercise regime now than it was when you were happier.  daily walk and some fruit and vegetables will help you boost your immune system and tackle your worries.

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"ip( o

eeping active will release endorphins, which are a natural way to improve your mood. -&ercise can also help you sleep.

EMOTIONAL EFFECTS

8ur emotional response to a break up can be another source of stress and difficulty. /ere’s a doctor’s perspective on what to look out for and how to cope. T)97)/ +> .:*+7 "he emotions and thought processes you go through after a break up can vary from e&treme sadness and grief to anger, which may be directed at your e& or at others. You may also e&perience a drop in self'esteem, or have feelings of self'loathing. 6nchecked, these can lead to self'harm and even suicide. lthough you’re likely to have friends and family keeping an eye on you, it’s important to recogni!e when you’re having dangerous thought patterns that may re5uire professional help. L,*+7 ./3 4)*:>3+ If you have children, you may notice changes in their behavior as they struggle to ad+ust. =hildren can become depressed, +ust like adults, so talk to your G? if you’re concerned. You and your children may benefit from seeing a professional counsellor and your doctor

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will be able to refer you to one that is suitable. You should also talk to someone at your child’s school, as they may be able to help with any emotional or behavioral issues that develop. P343*/*+ In some cases your G? may also prescribe sleeping tablets or anti'depressants, to help you regain control over your daily schedule. If anti'depressants are needed you’ll probably also get signed off work, to give them time to take effect. "hese drugs are not a complete solution, but they can help people to stabili!e their emotions and stop the feeling of being overwhelmed by what’s happened. s with all drugs, side effects are possible, and your doctor should discuss these with you to make sure you understand what you’re being given. "ip( o

If you feel any inclination towards self'harm, or if you’re struggling with the emotional burden in any way, make an appointment with your G? 5uickly for help and support.

H: .3< /)3 lthough counselling and some prescription drugs may help you get back on your feet, it’s important to accept help from other people, such as your friends and family.  packet of anti'depressants is no substitute for the sympathy and comfort of the people who care about you, in the same way a counselling session doesn’t e5uate to a night out. ll of these things will help, but in different ways. on’t be afraid to accept emotional support from different sources 9 it’s not a sign of weakness to admit you need time with friends and time with a counsellor. I. *+ >9=/' 4< +> , You may not be sure what level of support you need. fter all, you’ve +ust gone through something 5uite traumatic so no one e&pects you to have all the answers. "here’s no harm in asking your G? for advice. @ust tell them what’s happened and e&plain

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that you’re upset and you’re not sure what to do. "hen it’s up to the G? to decide if you need advice on how to cope with stress, an appointment with a counsellor, or a prescription. "hey are trained to help with emotional distress, so if in doubt, come and ask*

STARTING A NEW RELATIONSHIP

-ventually you may feel like you want to start a new relationship. Remember that although you may feel fine now, it’s possible that your self'esteem is still fragile. F: 39) "here’s no need to rush a new relationship. If you’re looking for someone to make your e& +ealous, then you’re not ready. If you’re looking for someone to make you feel good about yourself, you’re not ready. 2ake sure you’re happy with your life first. If you en+oy going out with friends and spending time alone then you’re less likely to seek someone +ust because they fill a gap in your life. If your low self'esteem is telling you to accept any offer, don’t listen* You still deserve to be happy with your partner, so don’t accept dates from people who make you feel uncomfortable, irritated, or unsafe. "heir interest in you is a compliment, but it’s no guarantee of romantic bliss. H:>*+7 )+> +> <3 )ith a new relationship comes new physical contact.  suitable partner will be happy to

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take things slowly if that’s what you need to do. fter a few dates when you’re sure you like your new partner and want things to progress to a physical relationship, be honest with them if you have any concerns. "hey may have similar worries too. -ven if they’ve never e&perienced heart break themselves, it’s not unreasonable to e&pect them to understand that you’re nervous about starting over with someone new. "ip( o

If they make a fuss or get angry because you want the relationship to move slowly, don’t hang around* You have a right to take relationships at a pace that’s comfortable for you. If they think that means you’re messing them around, or they’re not willing to wait, then they’re not right for you.

F9:: >*4:93 If you’re worried about your new partner seeing you naked, make sure you look as good as you can #without going to e&tremes like having surgery%. "aking regular e&ercise will help make the most of your natural shape and features. 2ake sure you’re wearing clean and well'fitting underwear. on’t hide your assets under a saggy bra or holey bo&ers* lmost everyone has some physical feature they’re not so pleased with. Your partner might +ust as worried about you seeing them naked* Remember that appearances aren’t the sum of your relationship. -ven if they were, your new partner has chosen to date you so there’s a strong chance they like your face and figure +ust as they are. In the unlikely event that the sight of your body does make them change their mind, then they’re really not worth the effort or stress* C+/34/*+ +> =>3< .: "alk to your G? about contraception or for help with erectile dysfunction, as you may be eligible for Ciagra on prescription.

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8lder women may also need contraception 9 don’t take it for granted that you won’t get pregnant +ust because you’re in your <;s or even your L;s. "ip( o

lways use a condom with new partners 9 1"s are a risk at any age, so don’t get caught out* If your partner refuses to use one then it’s time to back off. Your physical safety comes first.

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MONEY AND FINANCE HOW TO WORK OUT A BUDGET

)hen your relationship ends, it usually affects more than +ust your emotions.  new financial situation, and possibly a new living arrangement, has emerged. F*+>*+7 93 .*++4*: ./ s you’ll be entering a new financial situation it’s wise to work out what your budget will be. You may have spent money without much thought before, but while you’re ad+usting to your new circumstances you should keep a closer eye on these things. Go through some of your bank statements and work out your essential outgoings. If some of these are changing #i.e. you’re moving house% then put in a rental or mortgage figure that reflects the sort of property you’re looking for. Remember that you will still be liable for payments on property that is +ointly owned or rented, even if you are no longer living there. "hese costs will have to remain in your budget until you’re able to take your name off the mortgage or rental agreement, or sell the property. 8n the other side of your page #or the ne&t column of your spreadsheet% add your salary, benefits, and any other money that comes to you on a regular basis. =omparing the totals will help you see how much e&tra cash you might have for things like savings, and lu&uries. "ip(

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o


Remember the difference between essential e&penditure and lu&ury items. You may find it convenient to buy lunch and coffee from a cafM each day when you’re at work, but there are cheaper alternatives.

W)/ +/& If it looks as if your income won’t satisfy your outgoings, it’s time to look at ways to cut costs. You can also ask your local =iti!en’s dvice 4ureau for help and advice on managing your budget. T34, +7*+7 + "he hardest thing about a budget is sticking to it. )hen you’re out and about #and especially if you have a credit card% it’s easy to get drawn into unplanned e&penses, such as a shiny new gadget or vanilla lattM. If you struggle to avoid these temptations leave the credit card at home. 1ome people find it beneficial to take out their weekly allowance in cash on the same day each week. "hat way when the cash has run out, you know you can’t afford that e&tra coffee or new pair of trainers. If you have children who are struggling to get used to the idea that they can’t have new toys, now is an e&cellent time to e&plain that money has to be earned. 1etting a good e&le to your children can be a powerful motivator to stick to your budget and it will be a useful education for them. eep an eye on your bank statements and remember to update your budget if any of your circumstances change. If you receive a pay rise you’ll be tempted to start spending again 9 work out what you can actually afford first so that you don’t end up worse off than before*

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CUTTING COSTS

1o, you’ve broken up with your other half, split your finances, and possibly worked out a new budget. o you need to cut costs to keep out of the red too$ If you haven’t already done so, you should work out a budget as this will be a good starting point for thinking about ways to cut your costs. 1ometimes it’s possible to reduce your e&penditure on essential items, like loan repayments #which may be renegotiated or consolidated% or rent #by moving to a different property%. /owever, it’s easier to start by cutting your e&penditure on lu&ury items. 1ome lu&uries can be substituted, or demoted to weekly or monthly treats. S9=/*/9/ o

=lothes and other things

=harity shops may not offer the glamour of the rest of the high street, but they do stock clothes, cards, gifts, and books, at reasonable prices. "he clothes are often suitable for a range of age groups. o

=offee and lunch

/omemade sandwiches, pasta salads, wraps, and even pre'cooked +acket potatoes can all make suitable lunches to take to work.  little e&tra thought when shopping and a few minutes work in the evening or morning can save you pounds every day. "ake coffee in a flask, or find an instant version you like to keep at work, and you’ll save

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even more. D*++3 )ith a little creativity even the least confident cook can come up with cheap meals. =utting down on meat and fish will help you save. 6se root vegetables, beans, lentils, and eggs, to keep meals filling and nutritious. S?*+7 =3+> o you really need that pricey shampoo$ =hances are there are cheaper brands available that will do a good enough +ob to replace your favorite lu&ury products. "his includes most toiletries, clothes, and food. C9//*+7 +/*: o

6tility bills

s you’re no longer living with your partner you’ll probably find your utilities bills go down naturally. If it’s been a while since you chose your tariff you should check to see if a cheaper alternative is available. In some cases switching to paperless billing or irect ebit payments will further reduce your costs. o

2ortgagerent

If you are keeping your mortgage but your e&'partner is buying you out, you may want to ask your mortgage company about changing to a new rate or repayment type. If you’re struggling to meet the monthly payments, ask about interest only mortgages. )ith rental payments, renegotiation is unlikely. You may have to switch to a smaller or less conveniently situated property. "ip( o

Remember that +oint mortgages continue to be a +oint responsibility, even if one of

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you no longer lives at the property. You’ll need to contact your lender to arrange for the mortgage to be in one person’s name. lternatively put the property up for sale. T:)+ It may be time to ditch the e&pensive mobile contract or fancy smartphone. 1ee what deals are available online and swallow your pride if you really can’t afford the latest model. TV Your "C package may be a combination of channels you wanted and those your e& wanted. re you really going to keep watching the sport or films after they’ve gone$ If a cheaper package will suit your needs, then make the switch.

SHARING WEALTH AND DIVIDING ASSETS

2oney has been described as the route to all evil. It can certainly cause a lot of arguments and stress. 1orting out your finances after a break up can be especially difficult but it’s something we all have to deal with. "he key is to keep it fair, so that neither party feels cheated. L7: 39*3<+/ If you’re going through a divorce you may have a legal re5uirement to share your pension and other assets.

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If you and your partner have children together there will also be legal obligations to fulfill. Your family solicitor should be able to e&plain these to you.  good financial advisor can help you make sense of them and find the most efficient way of doing it. A73*+7 93 / >*;**+ -ven in the case of an amicable split, it’s a good idea to reach a legally binding financial settlement, which may or may not involve going to court. 4y forming a legally binding financial settlement you can be sure that no loose ends will remain. "his means that if you come into a large amount of money after your divorce your e&'partner won’t be able to stake a claim on it. I. 93 /3977:*+7 / 73 If you can’t agree a financial settlement with your e&'partner the ne&t step is to involve a mediator. 2ediators are there to keep your discussions on topic and encourage positive communication. "hey can work with you and your solicitor to arrange an agreement that’s fair to both parties. If you’re still unable to agree then a court hearing will be necessary. "his means e&tra costs will be incurred and when a decision is reached, you will have to abide by it, whether you like it or not. Remember that having a legally binding agreement should work in your favor as well as your e&’s, so don’t resent the process even if it seems difficult. T)*+7 / 4+*>3 ?)+ 93 33+7*+7 93 //:<+/ n e5ual split may not be the best option in all cases. -ach couple will be in a uni5ue situation and there will be specific things that need to be taken into account, such as( o

=are of children under the age of JN

o

"he value of +oint and individually owned property and other assets

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o

"he value of any debts or liabilities held by one or both parties

o

"he earnings and earning potential of each party

o

"he standard of living you’re both used to

o

"he duration of the marriage or civil partnership and your ages

o

"he pension arrangements of each party

o

?hysical or mental disabilities of either party

o

3inancial, and other contributions made by each party to the marriage and family home.

You and your e& will both need enough to live on, but working out the fairest way of splitting your money can be complicated. "ip( o

)ork out your budget before you agree to a settlement to make sure your arrangement will cover the essentials.

ARE YOU ENTITLED TO BENEFITS&

Your circumstances may have changed significantly after a break up, even if you’re not getting a divorce.

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You’ll be changing from a +oint income to single, or none at all, and you may be moving to a new home. "his shift in your economic situation means you could be entitled to benefits and ta& breaks that didn’t apply before.

C)4, 93 .*++4*: */9/*+ "here are many types of benefit that you may be entitled to after a divorce or break up. Your income, and any children you may need to care for, will affect what you can claim. In general, you’re likely to be eligible for benefits if you meet any of the following criteria( o

You’re on a low income #employed or looking for work%

o

You have dependent children

o

YouKre ill or disabled

o

YouKre caring for someone

o

YouKre aged O; or over

o

You have been bereaved

o

YouKre pregnant or have recently had a baby

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FIND A FINANCIAL ADVISOR

You may not have considered the need for a financial advisor before, but when you undergo a ma+or change in circumstances such as a relationship break up, you may find one useful.  financial advisor will be able to help you meet your legal obligations to your e&'partner in the most efficient way possible. "hey can also help you make long term provision for any children or dependents. You can get them involved right from the start of your break up, if you are getting divorced and need to reach a financial settlement with your former partner. In particular you may need advice on pensions, investments, ta&, and mortgages. T . >;*3 "he first thing to remember is that financial advisors come in different forms. 1ome are independent and can advise on, and sell, any financial product from any provider. "hen there are tied and multi'tied advisors, offering a limited and slightly less limited range of products respectively. You may be happy with a tied or multi'tied advisor but only independent ones will be able to give you a full choice of financial options. "hey also tend to charge less, so it’s advisable to seek an independent advisor. O/)3 / . >;*3 /)/ < = 9.9: o

2ortgage brokers

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If you only need advice about your mortgage you could go to a broker instead. 7ike financial advisers, these come in different types. It’s best to go for a ‘full market’ broker, who can advise you on products from many different providers. o

ebt counsellors

3or help with debt management you should look for a debt counselling service. Your local =iti!en’s dvice 4ureau should be able to point you in the right direction. F*+>*+7 + I+>+>+/ F*++4*: A>;*3 You could start by asking friends and relatives if they have any recommendations. S:4/*+ 43*/3* "here are a few things you should look out for when picking your financial advisor. o

o

o

o

=heck their 5ualifications. Ideally they will hold a iploma in 3inancial ?lanning #3?% #formerly the dvanced 3inancial ?lanning =ertificate #3?=%%, or even better, the dvanced iploma in 3inancial ?lanning #3?% =heck how long the advisor has been established ideally they will have been in business for three years or more sk to see their ey facts document which will list their charges and confirm their independence 3ind out what you’ll be charged before you go

It may seem a hassle to do all this checking yourself but it’s better to get advice from someone you know you can trust. It doesn’t matter how nice your advisor’s suit is or how much your friend en+oyed working with them if they’re not going to give you good advice.

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BREAKING UP AND BANKING

If you have any +oint accounts with your partner then you’ll probably need to see your bank and change them into single accounts. /owever, as this will involve splitting your assets, it’s not something to be rushed into* F3J *+/ 449+/ You may want to free!e your +oint accounts to make sure your partner can’t spend all your money, or rack up new debts on a +oint credit card. 4y free!ing the accounts when you split, you can guarantee that the funds can be shared fairly when you get around to arranging your financial settlement. "ip( o

You may need to make alternative arrangements for bills that would usually have come out of +oint accounts. =ash isn’t the only asset you’ll want to protect so keep up to date with those rent or mortgage payments and other essentials.

D*;*> /) <+ 1plitting your assets after a break up can be a ma+or source of stress, even if your relationship ended amicably. It’s important to keep the distribution fair and ensure both parties have enough to live on. If you’re struggling to agree you may need to get help from a mediator. If you’re divorcing, your solicitor can advise you on the fairest way to split your money.

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H? / :*/ <+ .3<  *+/ 449+/ You may decide to close your +oint account and transfer your share of the money into new single accounts. lternatively one person may opt to keep the +oint account but take the second name off. If you decide on the second option you may both need to speak to someone at your bank to get a name removed from the account$ "his is because some banks view one party as the ‘main’ account holder, and they will have authority over the account which the other party doesn’t. T) >+73 . *+/ 449+/ /)/ / *+ =/) +< -ven if you agree not to touch the +oint account and surrender your card, if your name stays on the account then any activity will be linked to you and your credit score. If it runs into its overdraft, or beyond, this will be deemed to be partly your responsibility. 3or credit cards and loans that remain in both names, the debts will affect your credit score and repayments remain partly your responsibility. G//*+7 /3/> If you’re feeling confused or uncertain about what action needs to be taken, talk to an advisor at your bank and e&plain the situation. "hey will be able to guide you through each step, to make sure your finances are protected during and after the split.

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LEGAL ENDING A RELATIONSHIP

"he decision to end your marriage or =ivil ?artnership is a big one, but the implications of remaining married to your partner after the relationship has ended are huge. Remember that your spouse will be treated as your 0e&t of in which is important for inheritance purposes, as well as health issues. You may not want for those ties to continue and if you decide that you want to end your marriage, then the ultimate resort would be to issue divorce or dissolution proceedings. Cisit a solicitor as soon as possible after you have decided to end the marriage or =ivil ?artnership for advice.

FINANCIAL ISSUES

/ow any financial settlement is conducted will be dependent upon whether you are married or were +ust co'habiting with your partner.

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SEPARATION ISSUES

"he law does not recogni!e that there is a legal link between unmarried, or cohabiting couples, no matter how long the relationship. "here are therefore are no legal formalities that can be administered when ending the relationship itself. =ontrary to popular belief there is no such thing as a ‘common'law wife’ in the eyes of the law. 6nless a 7iving'"ogether greement was entered into at the outset of cohabitation, the issues surrounding how any shared assets are to be dealt with and how any asset split is to be affected have to be dealt with. "he law in this respect is very different for unmarried couples, as opposed to their married counterparts. 1eek early advice from a solicitor to help steer you through this process and to ensure you get your fair share. )here there is a +ointly owned property i.e. where both parties are registered as legal owners and nothing specific is mentioned on the "itle eeds, the presumption is that the property is owned in e5ual shares. )here only one party is named as a legal owner of the property, the other is not necessarily entitled to a share in the home.  co'habitant’s right to a financial share in the property is governed by the area of "rusts 7aw. -ssentially, there are three ways that a non'legal owner of the property can claim an interest in the home( o

o

If they have paid money towards the mortgage carried out improvements upon the property or made any other contribution towards the capital value of the home. "his creates what is known as a Resulting "rust, i.e. that party’s share is e5ual to the amount of their financial contribution. If they believed it was agreed by both parties at the outset of the relationship that the property was meant to be shared. In these types of cases, the conduct of each party

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throughout the relationship is very important and if the necessary preconditions are met a "rust will be AconstructedB. "he non'owning party would be entitled to a share in the property, but not necessarily an e5ual share. o

If they have spent money on the home in the belief that they have been promised a share by their partner.

HARASSMENT AND PROTECTING YOUR HOME

If your partner is sub+ecting you to any form of harassment, domestic violence or abuse, then of course, the first port of call for you would be to contact the police. It goes without saying that violent offences are treated as criminal offences by the police and are punishable by imprisonment. If the situation is serious and you consider that you need more long term protection then you can apply for an In+unction, which is legally known as a A0on'2olestation 8rderB. "he 0on' 2olestation 8rder will forbid the abuser from AmolestingB the pplicant. 2olestation does not have to be physical violence and can also be verbal or any other form of harassment or intimidation. "his 8rder will also forbid the abuser from instructing anyone else to carry out any form of harassment, intimidation or violence against the pplicant, or their children and so they can be 5uite far reaching. "he 8rder can be applied for on an emergency basis, which means that it can be granted on in the short term without notifying the abuser of your intentions. If this route has been taken then the -mergency 8rder will usually last a week or so until such time as the other

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party will be called into =ourt for their side to be heard. If the =ourt agrees that a long term 0on'2olestation 8rder should be put in place, then the 8rder will be made. 0ot everybody can be made sub+ect to this type of order and they can only be granted against someone who is legally AassociatedB to the pplicant. ssociated persons are a specific set of categories, including a person that you were married or engaged to, a person whom you were living with or if you are parents of the same child. =rucially, all 0on'2olestation 8rders will have attached to them a A?ower of rrestB, which means that if the 8rder is breached the police can immediately arrest the abuser. "he breach is punishable by up to L years imprisonment.

CHILDREN ISSUES

)hen it comes to children, each parent with ?arental Responsibility will have e5ual rights to make decisions for the children in respect of medical treatment, religion, education and finances. ?arental Responsibility entitles that parent to be consulted in all important decisions concerning their child’s upbringing, but it does not give the right for the parent who is the non'primary career to interfere with the day to day care of that child. /owever, not all parents have ?arental Responsibility for their child and it is usually an unmarried father who is not named on their child’s 4irth =ertificate who would fall into this category. 8btaining ?arental Responsibility with the agreement of your partner is a relatively easy

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matter and will entail each party signing a ?arental Responsibility greement, which is then registered with a local court. If the matter is not agreed, then the parent without ?arental Responsibility can make an application to the court for a +udge to decide whether or not they should be granted with a ?arental Responsibility 8rder.

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MOVING ON BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

8ne of the side effects of going through a break up can often be lack of confidence. You’ve been re+ected and the default brain position is to blame yourself, feeling that in some way you weren’t ‘good enough’ to keep them. )hilst this is of course baloney that doesn’t make you feel any better. 3ollow some or all of these steps below to help regain your self'esteem and build confidence. "ake regular e&ercise. -ven a JL minute brisk walk three times a week can help you feel more alert and happier. -&ercise boosts endorphins which lift your mood. @oining a gym can be a good way to meet new people and make friends too 9 but look for a pay as you go option initially. 1igning up to an e&pensive monthly contract and then discovering you hardly ever go can make you feel even more fed'up* "ake a pride in your appearance. 7ook in the mirror and force yourself to find three things about you that you like. If you can begin to feel better about how you look then that will have a positive effect on your confidence. ?ersonal grooming is vital. )hen we feel down and fed'up there’s a tendency to say ‘why bother’ when it comes to bathing, shaving and washing hair regularly. 4ut neglecting your grooming makes you feel 0 look worse* C3/*+7  ;*4*9 4*34: 1tand up straight #imagine someone is pulling you up from a string attached to the top of your head% and walk briskly 9 confident people always walk with purpose. 4y speeding up your pace you will feel livelier and send out a more positive vibe to others.

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7ook at your wardrobe and throw out any of those saggy, baggy old favorites that you hide the ‘real’ you behind. 1loppy track suit bottoms may be comfortable but absolutely no'one looks attractive in them* )ear clean, smart clothes that show off your best features, and be open to advice if you want to improve your dress sense. You don’t have to invest in a personal shopper or fork out for a make'over ' all you need to do is go into your favorite clothes show at a 5uiet time and ask for their help to choose the new item of clothing. 3or make'up hints and tips head to the cosmetic department of a department store or 4oots 9 most of the counters offer free makeup demonstrations ' usually by appointment. "hey hope that you might purchase some of the products that they have used on your face during the session 9 but there’s no obligation to buy. "ake an interest in others. )hen you speak to people don’t think to yourself ‘why would they be interested in me$’ Instead turn it around and make sure you are the one taking an interest. ?eople 78C- to talk about themselves, and you will find that by encouraging people to talk on their favorite sub+ect #their children, +ob, grandchildren% they will engage with you 9and you’ll avoid those awkward silences that dent confidence even more. =ontribute and take part. /olding your head high doesn’t +ust mean standing straight. 4elieve in yourself and try to put yourself forward more. 1it in the front rows at a meeting or conference 9 don’t hide away at the back 9 and in a group situation, allow yourself to contribute 9 your views and opinions are +ust as valid as everybody else’s* 4reak the cycle of self'pity. Instead of focusing on all that is bad in your life think of the good things. )hat have you done recently you been proud off$ =elebrate your achievements and think of seven things each day with gratitude 9 you will find this really works to combat all those negative thoughts.

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HOW TO START DATING AGAIN

Getting over a relationship is hard, and whilst at the time you may say ‘never again’ in reality most people would like to think that they may be able to find another partner to share their life with. Your confidence may have taken a bit of a knock, and understandably you may be a bit nervous about taking those first steps towards dating again. 7et all of your friends know that you are ready to start dating again 9 and keep an open mind to any possibilities that they may suggest. It’s always good to widen your friendship circle and that blind date could make you a new friend even if the person isn’t 2r. or 2rs. Right. If your life follows a normal routine make a few changes 9 pop in to a different coffee shop to buy your hot drink on the way to work, or get into a different carriage on the train for e&le. 4y going to different places you are likely to meet different people and you never know whose eyes you might +ust meet* In the olden days well'meaning people would suggest that you +oin a club or night class in the hope of meeting the new love of your life, but in reality this doesn’t happen very often. 4y all means go to the class or +oin the group because it will help fill your time and give you a new interest and make new friends, but don’t go +ust in the hope you might meet somebody special.

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MOVING TO A NEW AREA

fter a break up many people’s first reaction is the desire to move away to escape the pain and put as much distance as possible between themselves and their e&. 1ometimes that’s +ust not a practical option ' where children of school age are involved for e&le or elderly relatives you help look after, but if there’s nothing keeping you tied to a particular location should you move away or stay put$ "he best advice is not to rush into anything too 5uickly. on’t make any big life changing decisions until at least a month has gone by. In four weeks you will be starting to see things more clearly, the raw pain will be lessening and you will be in a better position to make sensible choices rather than knee +erk emotionally. 2oving to a completely new place can create its own stress and could make you feel even worse. If you have been living in the same location for a long time it will be very familiar and even though you may not think it now, familiarity is an important aspect of feeling comfortable in a location. 4ut if you have no ties to the area 9possibly because you moved there in the first place to be closer to your e& ' then it makes good sense to return to a neighborhood you know well and where there may be friends and family to help you through the break up. If you decide to make a clean break and want to move away listed below are some points that may be of help( o

If children are involved and they will not be living with you after the split, consider the distance you and they will have to travel to get to your new home. It may not be practical for you to be several hours away as in the early days children need to have fre5uent and regular contact with the absent parent 97

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/ow far away do you need to be$ 1ometimes +ust moving to the other side of a town or city may be enough to give you sufficient distance from your e& without the upheaval of moving too far away from friends or family "hink about the whole location, not +ust the person or people you know there. /aving familiar faces around will be a big help but you need to consider the bigger picture. "hings like public transport provision, 5uality of schools, leisure and recreation facilities, cost of living and even the weather are all very important factors to consider. If you are working for a company that has branches across the country, consider asking for a transfer to another location. It will be less stressful to cope with moving to a new area if you don’t have the additional stress of having to look for a completely new +ob too. "hink long and hard before emigrating to be with family members. 7eaving the country and moving thousands of miles away is a big step, and your family has their own life to lead abroad and will not be able to be with you all of the time. 4e aware that starting again in mid to late life in a completely new culture can be very lonely, but of course for many it has worked well. o the research find out as much as you can about the places you may like to move to and spend a weekend there. "ry to think about your own tastes and lifestyle 9 for e&le if you don’t like cold weather, moving to the 0orth of 1cotland may not be for you*

=onsider renting for a while before buying a property in a new area. "his is a good idea for two reasons 9 firstly if you decide you have made a mistake all you have lost is a few months’ rent, and secondly as you get to know your new location better you may discover that you would prefer to live in a different part of the town. =ommit to making an effort to establish a new social circle in the new location. If you have got a new +ob accept all the invitations that come your way for opportunities to sociali!e after work or go to the coffee shop for lunch. @oin clubs and societies that interest you and consider volunteering to help a local charity.

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MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND #OINING IN

If you relied on the company of your e& for most of your social life and friendship then it is only naturally for you to feel lonely and bereft without them after the split. It is important to know that with a bit of effort you =0 make new friends which will help restore happiness and confidence. fter a break'up it is almost inevitable that you will lose some so 9 called friends and if you sociali!ed in groups with your e&'partner you may have to +oin new societies and organi!ations instead. 1ome friends may openly make the choice between you and your e& 9 and others, whilst claiming to stay neutral and wanting to maintain a relationship with you both, may in reality you find it very difficult to do so. )hat tend to happen are the friends you had before the relationship will remain, but those of your e& or newer people you have met together may fall by the wayside. 1o how do you make new friends$ It can be a daunting prospect particularly if you have been in a long term relationship. )here do you start$ 4egin by looking at yourself ob+ectively. )hat 5ualities are you looking for in a friend$ "hen ask Am I a good friend$ o you devote time to others$ re you genuinely interested in what other people have to say$ o you avoid gossiping$ ll of these are 5ualities that we look for in a friend. )e want somebody to share interests, have fun with and be there for good and bad times. It may sound silly, but practice these skills, avoid negativity and develop your listening skills 9 all good preparation for establishing and then nurturing new friendships. bove all 80’"

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become that person who has nothing to talk about other than their e& and how miserable they are* 2aking new friends is not easy, but if you follow a few simple steps you will be well on your way towards creating a new social life to help rebuild confidence and bring happiness back in your life. ccept all invitations. 6nless you have a prior engagement try to say ‘yes’ to every invitation that comes your way. ?eople will get fed up and stop inviting you if you keep saying ‘no’. 8nce you get to the event whether it is after work drinks or a birthday celebration make the most of the opportunity. 7ook for another person who is standing on their own or looking a bit lost. Go up to them and start a conversation 9stand tall and smile and the rest will come easily. 7ook at your current circle of friends, family or past ac5uaintances. 0ow you have more time on your hands you can spend more time in their company and get to meet their other friends who could become new friends for you. "hink about contacting friends from the past you have lost touch with or spending more time with people you occasionally meet up with that you could see more often. )hat about your family 9 do you have any relatives of a similar age to you that you didn’t get time to see when you were in your relationship but that you get on well with$ H? / .*+> +? .3*+> If you have a hobby or interest finds out if there is a club or society in your area for people who share the same interest and go along. If there isn’t a club why not start one$ ?ut up a notice in your library, corner shop or post office inviting people with the share interest to +oin your group. If you don’t have any hobbies of your own +oin the local amateur dramatic society. -ven if you can’t sing or act they’re always on the lookout for people to help behind the scenes and you’ll find that being involved with a production is an e&cellent way to meet new friends. 2ake the first move. 8nce you have met someone you seem to be getting on with what’s ne&t$ Get into the habit of getting people’s contact information as early as possible as you can never guarantee that you are going to see them again soon* )hy not suggest meeting up outside the groupofficesocial occasion for something specific. 3or e&le suggest

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meeting up for a coffee one lunch time, going out for a drink or if the potential friend shares a specific interest 9 let’s say art for e&le 9 research what’s on at local galleries and suggest you visit together. "his may seem a bit daunting, but you’ll probably find that they are +ust as shy as you and welcome the fact that you are taking a positive step towards developing a friendship. If you need more help on how to approach new friends look online 9 there are lots of e&cellent articles and free help available. 0ew friendships need nurturing. 3or someone to become a close friend you need to keep in regular contact with them, en+oy good times together and get to know each other on a deeper level. You’ll find that you establish new friendships with people on all different levels +ust as you have done with e&isting friends. 1ome will never become ‘best’ friends no matter how much time you spend with them whilst others will become much closer much more 5uickly. Good luck* -n+oy meeting new people and making new friends

CHILDREN AND NEW RELATIONSHIPS

If you feel you have met someone new and you see a future with them, now would be a good time to introduce them to your children. Ideally, your partner should already be aware that you have children so that this doesn’t come as a shock* 0ot everyone is accepting of other people’s children, or even ‘children’ for that matter so it is important you are honest from the offset.

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-ven though it is e&citing that you have met someone knew, your children may be feeling threatened or confused. Respect your children’s’ feelings and reassure them your new love is not their replacement parent. If your children start to misbehave, they are probably trying to tell you something. You may not want to hear what they have to say but whilst you feel you have a lot to gain they are likely to feel they are losing you. 7et them know how much you love them and that things will not change between you. B 33> .3 3*/+4 It is not uncommon that older children are reluctant to meet or even be interested in your new significant other. "hey can typically find it hard to imagine you with someone who isn’t their own parent, which boils down to the matter of loyalty. 1eeing you move on with someone else can be tough and they may feel as though they have to vie for your attention. llow your children the chance to get to know your new love on their own terms. Give them space if they need it and don’t force them into things they will not be comfortable with. 3or e&le, don’t make them hug or kiss your partner unless they want to or are ready to* Introducing your new partner to younger children however poses the risk of them forming an immediate attachment. "his is why it is wise to not make the introductions until you are certain that your new relationship has future potential and is not +ust a rebound. ?reventing your children from any further losses is ultimately what you want. A>9/*+7 / /) .<*: <37 It is important you do not introduce your new partner to your children as their new motherfather. You must make it clear that your new significant other is not there to replace their parent you have separated from. 1imilarly, this conversation needs to be had with your new significant other. If things are to work amicably for everyone, your partner must be aware of what is and isn’t acceptable. 3or instance, you may want to make it clear that they do not have the right to discipline your child and should they have a problem then they should come to you so you can deal with it. o not impose your new love life too soon on your children. Inviting your other half to stay over in the early days isn’t fair on your kids. "hey need the time to get used to the fact you

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have moved on and need to become comfortable knowing that your new love interest is here to stay. 7et your children ad+ust to your new life so that you can avoid any emotional backlash. Reassure them they are not losing you, make time for them and do not let your new partner change the rules of the household* H;*+7 .<*: /*< .*3/ 4e sensitive to your children’s feelings by not involving your new partner into every daily activity you do. "hey deserve your time and attention whilst they too deal with the fact their parents have split up 9 no matter how old they are. 7ikewise, ensure that you and your partner do not try to force things with your family. It is important you form a strong bond with each other first before you focus your energy on becoming a new family unit. eep things in balance so that the pressure does not overcome you. Y93  If your children and your e& are still in each other’s lives, it is your responsibility to inform your e& of your new family before you tell your kids. "elling them would be a courtesy, not as a way to score points over them. ddress the matter as an event in your children’s lives rather than one in yours. If you do not inform them, do not leave it up to your children or e&pect them to keep secrets from their mum or dad. 4e the bigger person as they have the right to know once their kids re involved. T, 93 /*< It is important you do not rush into anything. You need to be certain that you really want to introduce someone new into your family. If you are having any doubts regarding your relationship then perhaps now is not the time. )ait until your feelings are resolved otherwise you may reali!e this relationship is not for you. 7ikewise, the initial introduction with your family and new partner may not go smoothly, but give it time. It would be a miracle if everyone got along the first time round* on’t give up 9 this is your chance to start something new and be happy again.

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TOP TIPS ACCEPT HELP FROM OTHERS

uring times of emotional upset it can be surprising +ust how many people seem willing to help out. You may feel too proud to accept every offer that comes your way but there’s usually no proper reason to refuse. If people care enough to put themselves out for you 9 at a time when you actually need their help 9 then what could be better$ F3*+> +> F<*: 3riends and family will often be the first option for many types of help that you need after a break up. S)9:>3 / 43 + "his is the most obvious type of support you might need. -ven if you’re not actually crying, your friends and family can help you make sense of your feelings and cheer you up when you’re feeling low. B= *//3 )ith your partner no longer around it’s possible you’ll need help with the children. "his could be full on babysitting, or it could +ust be picking them up from school on the night you work late. -ven if your friends or family members can’t do this, they may know a good baby sitter who can.

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S34)*+7 .3  +? )< If you need to relocate, ask your friends to keep their eyes peeled for suitable properties and get someone to view them with you if possible. You may not feel able to trust your own +udgment with such a big decision so ask someone you trust to help you decide. P*+7 =*:: You may find that your parents or other relatives are able to offer some financial support to help with the cost of moving home or childcare. "his may be in the form of a gift, or a no'interest loan. -ither way 9 accept if you genuinely need it and show your gratitude appropriately. DIY ?utting together flat packs and lugging heavy deliveries usually re5uire more than one person. -ven if you’re proficient at IY you may find the occasional +ob needs a second pair of hands that your partner would previously have provided. P3.*+: A*/+4 o

7egal or financial advice

epending on your marital and financial status you may re5uire some help from the =iti!ens dvice 4ureau, a family solicitor, or your bank. 1earch online for contact details and ask friends or relatives if they can recommend a solicitor, or other professional who may be able to help T*< .. 3 3/3*4/> >9/* / ?3, It’s a good idea to let your employer know when you’re going through a serious break up. You may need to take time off work to get over the shock, or to help you find a new home.

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You may also want to ask about getting a temporary change or restriction of duties. 3or e&le, if you’re struggling not to cry it’s probably not a good idea to put you on reception or in charge of answering the phone. 3ind out if some ad+ustments can be made for a few days while you get back to being #almost% your normal self.

SHOW AN INTEREST IN OTHERS

8ther people may be the last thing you want to think about when you’re trying to get over a break up but if you give them a chance they can make a positive difference. L3+*+7 / 43 @7*+ -motional trauma can leave us feeling pretty empty. )orse, it can turn us into inconsiderate, cold'hearted people who don’t give a damn if their best friend has a promotion or their ad’s been diagnosed with diabetes. Your friends and family love you and care about you, so don’t forget to take a break from your ‘poor me’ attitude to show an interest and be nice to the people who’ve really earned it. You will feel more like your old self and you won’t alienate or hurt the people that haven’t broke up with you. F*+>*+7 +? 3/9+*/*

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1howing an interest in others can lead to all kinds of opportunities. You might hear of a new +ob #and get recommended because you were so nice to the guy who mentioned it to you%. You could also discover a fun new hobby, make a new friend, or even find your ne&t boyfriend or girlfriend. You won’t do any of those things if you walk around with your eyes on the pavement daydreaming about what used to be. M,*+7 <+ > s a newly single person you will probably have cleared out your calendar, and cut out a part of your life that was, for good or bad, using up a lot of emotional energy. 0ow is the time to think about doing something nice for someone else, like visiting a special relative, taking your Gran to a garden center for the day or offering to babysit the grand children to give their parents a break. )hen you have time on your hands why not spend it with people you may not have seen enough of in the past 9 it could +ust make their day and help you take your mind off the break up. K*+7 93 =:+4 "aking an interest in others will keep you from spiraling into a pit of despair. "hink about it 9 you could spend your days alone dwelling on the mess your life has become or you could call your best friend and see what they’re up to. oesn’t the second option sound more fun$ eeping up to date with the rest of the world will give you some perspective on your own issues and remind you that there’s more to life than being with your e&. O/)3 : +> 9 / You may feel a shadow of your former self but your friends and family still see the same person they knew and en+oyed spending time with before your break up. Your friends still need you to listen when they have a problem at work, and they still want to go out with you. "he same goes for your family.

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ll of these people should be happy to support you while you’re getting over your split, as they would with any other problem, but it’s a two'way street. -ven when you’re feeling low you can still help them in little ways that will mean a lot. G> 4<+ 4reak ups can leave you feeling betrayed and abandoned but you’re not really alone. Remember that other people in your life can help and their feelings for you won’t have changed at all.

REMEMBER' IT WILL GET BETTER

/umans are ama!ing creatures. 8ne minute we’re sheltering in caves wondering what thunder is, a few millennia later we’re on our mobiles ordering pi!!a. /umans don’t stand still, they make progress. "his is how we know things will get better, even after the most awful break up. )e struggle, then we adapt. T) >/*; =3*+ ?art of the reason human beings are so good at making progress is that our brains physically adapt to different situations and stimuli. "his means we can train ourselves to be better at math, but it also means we can get over emotional upset. In both these challenges, a little self'belief will get the ball rolling. nowing that you can change will make you more inclined to try and when you see you’re

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making progress you’ll have even more self'belief and motivation to keep going. T,*+7  =3, ?*::  93 93+ If you feel like every day is a long and dreary trial, give yourself a break.  night out with friends or a day at the spa will force you to rela& and have some fun. "he change in brain chemistry will help you take a more positive perspective and gives a hint of the progress that can be made. dd breaks like these to your schedule on a regular basis and it will make your struggle seem much easier to deal with. on’t be afraid to rely on friends and family for social and emotional support as you recover. M93 373 0ot convinced things will improve$ eep a diary and make an entry for each day #or as often as you can manage%. -very week look back over your entries and you should see signs of progress. It may not seem as if each day is a consistent improvement over the last, but the good days should start to multiply over time. =elebrate these small achievements and when your friends ask, let them know that things are getting better. "hey will be pleased for you too and having e&ternal monitors should spur you on to further improvements. L3+ .3< /)3 "here are plenty of people who will have been through situations similar to yours. 0o two break ups will be identical but they often involve similar elements and there is always a degree of emotional upset. You are therefore in the fortunate position of being able to draw on the e&perience of those who have already been there and got over it. "his could be friends, family members, strangers in online forums or the myriad of self'help authors who fill our physical and online bookshelves. 0othing proves that things can get better like reading or listening to people who have lived

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through it and come out the other side. S/*:: .: ?.9:& "hat’s natural 9 but it will change. dapting and improving are part of human nature. "his is good news because nobody wants to spend the whole of the rest of their life being miserable about a break up. "ake heart, know that it can be done and it will happen*

WAYS TO HELP TAKE YOUR MIND OFF YOUR BREAK UP AND RELA(

You’re single again. It’s messed up your feelings, your sleep pattern, and your ability to focus at work. )hat do you do$ T, 93 =/ .3*+> 9/ /  =3  few cocktails or beers #or whatever else you love to drink% will help you rela& and en+oy yourself. "here’s no need to get blind drunk because you won’t be upset 9 you’ll be too busy laughing with your friends. "ip( o

You don’t have to show too much flesh 9 after all 9 you’re not doing this to impress a man. @ust make sure your hair, clothes and make up make you feel good about your appearance.

3or men, similar rules apply. on’t leave the house in an un'ironed shirt +ust because ‘she’

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wasn’t there to tell you not to. 7ooking good will do wonders for your self'esteem. G/  +? )== "his is guaranteed to take your mind off the whole thing, as long as you pick something you’re really interested in. n art class, learning 3rench, or taking up power lifting, will give you a new focus and make positive use of your time. If your hobby involves e&ercise that’s even better because then you have the benefit of releasing endorphins with each run, class or workout. -ndorphins are natural mood boosters, great for relieving stress. G /   1pas aren’t for everyone but if you can find a treatment those appeals to you they can be wonderfully rela&ing. 3acials, massages and body scrubs or wraps are all designed to soothe. If you sit at a desk all day you might like to try a sports massage 9 they can hurt a bit but they certainly take your mind off things* G/  / 8, this can be a bit pricey and it’s not for everyone, especially if you have allergies, but if you know you can afford the time and e&pense then it’s a great distraction. 3riendly pets that like to be stroked are best for stress relief and dogs are always pleased to see you* T,  ):*>  holiday with friends, family members, or even on your own, is fabulous for rela&ing and forgetting about your break up. It could be a week in the sun or a weekend on a dri!!ly campsite, and don’t worry if you’ve no one to go with. s long as you take precautions #and a good book% there’s no reason not

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to have a good time. D /)*+7 9 49:>+/ > ?)+ 93  ?+/ 93  Relationships always involve compromise. )as there a = you couldn’t put on when they were around$ id they groan every time you put Ice Road "ruckers or 1hakespeare documentaries on$ ?erhaps they refused to see that horror film at the cinema and you ended up going to watch a comedy instead$ 0ow is the time to re'discover that music, ?rogramme or film and others like them*  weekend in your py+amas watching "C marathons may not sound healthy but it’s very rela&ing and a nice treat. H: <+ : oes your friend need help weeding their garden$ Is there a local charity that needs clothes or other stuff you could donate$ 2aybe your local primary school needs people to help children with their reading$ /elping someone else allows you to focus on their troubles instead of your own and it’s a great way to feel good about yourself. "ip( o

1ome voluntary work can be stressful so be careful what you pick. on’t be put off by thinking you need to commit to regular hours either, some organi!ations are happy for people to help out on an irregular basis.

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BE HONEST AT WORK

Your employer and colleagues could be a surprising source of support after a break up, but only if you give them the opportunity by being honest. It’s true you won’t want to over share, but if you don’t e&plain what’s going on how can you e&pect them to deal with your changes in mood and behavior$ T,*+7 /*< 9/ If you e&plain the situation to your employer they may be happy for you to take a couple of days off to get over the shock of your split, or to find a new home. =alling in and pretending to have a migraine will make you feel worse for lying, and your colleagues won’t understand why you’re so upset when you get back the following day. T,*+7 9 .. /) )+ If your +ob involves customer service, telesales or anything else that re5uires you to be ‘chirpy’ and visually or audibly enthusiastic, you may need to ask for a temporary reassignment.  receptionist who cries, or a telesales operative who gets angry, won’t do well for themselves or the company they represent. If you’d rather not have the time off but you’re struggling to cope with normal duties, be honest with your employer. U+/> /+/*: Your colleagues may be a mine of useful advice and helpful information about how to cope

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with a break up. @eff from accounts might know a great solicitor and 2ar+ory from RP might be an e&pert in stress management 9 but how will you know if you’re not honest about what’s going on$ You don’t have to advertise it on the intranet, +ust tell the people you work with most why you’re likely to be a bit down over the ne&t few weeks. You may be inundated with help and learn things about your colleagues you’d never have known otherwise. B4< ,+?+ .3 93 </93*/ +> 3.*+:*< If your employer knows what you’re going through, then they’ll also know what you’ve overcome when you get back to your old routine or take on new and e&tra responsibilities. You may have been unable to shine in the immediate aftermath of your break up, but by being honest with your employer and dealing with it proactively, you’ll have demonstrated an impressive level of maturity. )ith a little effort and enthusiasm you can show your employers you’re made of strong stuff and their opinion of you will be higher than it was before your break up. A;*> 4<:*4/*+ -ven if you don’t believe the old saying Ahonesty is always the best policyB, it can certainly help you avoid complications. If you lied and concealed your break up from your employer and colleagues you could end up resenting the need to keep the lie going. )hat if you struggle to cope with your old duties but you can’t ask for help because everyone thinks your ‘fine’$ )hat if your colleagues keep asking about your weekends or invite you and your partner out for =hristmas drinks$ o you really want to keep lying to these people$ If you don’t tell them you’ll never move on.

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HOW TO NOT BE A VICTIM AFTER A BREAK UP

If your world has +ust fallen apart after a break up there’s a good chance you’ll be feeling a bit battered and sorry for yourself. It’s a normal reaction to this kind of emotional upset but sometimes these feelings go too far and take over what should be a happy and progressive life. )hen you’re struggling with negative thoughts and feelings because of your break up, there are certain thought patterns and behaviors you need to watch out for. I< =;*9: +/ 7> +97) .3  3: 3:/*+)* -very break up can be a blow to the ego and you may end up 5uestioning your worth as a human being. It is very important that you don’t convince yourself the above statement is true 9 because it will become a self'fulfilling statement. /ow can you move on and find happiness if you’re constantly 5uestioning your own value$ )hen someone asks you out or agrees to a date, you’ll start wondering what they see in you and what’s wrong with them. -verybody has failed relationships they’re a normal part of life. -ven if you accrue several failures, it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough or that there’s some implacable barrier that’s keeping you from being happy in a couple. It’s true that you may be partly responsible for the break up. =hoose to learn from the e&perience and trust that ne&t time, things might actually work out. E;3+ <9/ .: 33 .3 < – I; =+ /3/> =>:

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fter a break up you are entitled to some sympathy from your friends and relations. "his doesn’t have a strict time limit but if you’re still demanding sympathy and dwelling on your break up years later, you may find the well has run dry. Your family and friends will want to support you but you have to help yourself too. If you end up focusing on your misery for too long then people are bound to get impatient. 1top feeling sorry for yourself and life will get easier. W) * :*.  <94) =//3 .3 ;3+ :& It may feel as if you’ve taken several steps backwards after your break up, but your friends and family are still motoring along, getting promotions, en+oying retirement, or happily coupled'up or playing the field. If you hate people for not being in the same situation as you then you will soon run out of friends. "hen you’ll have alienated people who really cared about you. @ealousy is not your friend so try to be happy for the people you know who are doing well. E;3+ * ?.9: – 9/ :*, <  "his is similar to the first problem on the list but instead of devaluing yourself you’ve started to see your e&’s bad traits in everyone else. Re'imagining the awful things your e& put you through will not help you get over it and it certainly won’t help you maintain your friendships or find somebody new. If you’re e& cheated, so what$ 0ot everybody cheats in a relationship* If they took you for granted, that doesn’t mean someone else will do the same. You have to learn to trust people again. "here’s no switch to make that happen but if you give people a chance you’ll see they’re not all out to get you or about to break your heart. If your world has +ust fallen apart after a break up there’s a good chance you’ll be feeling a bit battered and sorry for yourself. It’s a normal reaction to this kind of emotional upset but sometimes these feelings go too far and take over what should be a happy and progressive life. )hen you’re struggling with negative thoughts and feelings because of your break up, there are certain thought patterns and behaviors you need to watch out for. 117

How-to-Forget-Your-Ex-Lover.pdf

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