How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk

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Your Heart Matters, but So Do es Your Head

in a job or career. Few ever take the time to reconstruct the influencing forces of the past. It is even more unsettling to consider the amount of dating that occurred prior to this period, as well as the patterns that were set. Unfortunately, personal issues are usually not dealt with until two or three decades into adulthood, long after they have shaped much of a person’s marriage and family. Although plenty of self-improvement books have been written, it is essential to devote at least one chapter to some common, unhealthy emotional needs that can lead you to make unhealthy relationship choices and patterns.

Get Healthy and Get Smart  A clarification, however, is necessary before we delve into this topic. Some have taken personal healthiness as the only necessary quality and believe that if you just get your act together, then you will have everything you need to pick a partner. I disagree. Yes, getting healthy is the  first step, but I have watched healthy people turn unhealthy after becoming involved with someone who has severe problems. Curt came to me for counseling because he needed to sort things out after his divorce. He had been deeply hurt by his wife and her choice to leave him for another man. He worked hard in the healing process, reading self-help books, joining a divorce recovery group, and meeting me regularly for therapy. He gained a new sense of confidence, resolved the pain of his first marriage, and even worked through some previously overlooked issues from his childhood. After completing his counseling, he decided to start dating again and became involved with Maria. At first, she was everything his first wife wasn’t. After several months, however, it became clear that she was manipulative and controlling. Even though Curt managed to break off the relationship before it became too serious, he still experienced a serious setback.