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www.CarlosXuma.com

The Girlfriend Training Program The Reference Guide VOLUME 1

© 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

www.CarlosXuma.com Introduction: Part 1

Introduction

Hey, it is Carlos Xuma here, and I want to welcome you to the program. We have got an exciting path ahead of us. This is one of the programs that I have been dying to do for years, but I really just need to hear from you guys that you really wanted to know all these, I guess, you call them un-politically correct things about relationships with women.

The funny thing is that most guys would not admit to it, but almost single day out there we would love to have that one special woman and be able to keep her for as long as you wanted, and thatʼs the big problem with a lot of guys is we donʼt know the skills to keep a relationship like that going.

Well, in this program, we are going to cover from start to finish all of the attraction skills you need to have to make sure that you never lose a woman again. I know this is going to be a exciting for a lot of guys out there. We are also going to be covering things, everything from starting the relationship to keeping her to rejuvenating it to ending it, if we need to. So start to finish, we are going to have all the information in there and only the essential information that you need.


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www.CarlosXuma.com This is one area that I have actually specialized in for a long time and I know it goes against the pickup artist persona, but I actually enjoy and love having long-term relationships with women and it is something that I have actually been able to, I wonʼt say master because I donʼt think anybody ever really masters it, but to the degree that I can actually control and ensure that I am the one thatʼs in control when it comes to the relationship. In other words, I am not the one who is at the mercy of the woman. I am not the one who is going dumped. I am not the person who is being yanked around on a chain all the time, and you are going to see, unfortunately, that most guys out there are.

Most guys are at the whims and mercies of the women in their relationships, and itʼs not the way you want to do it and itʼs not the way the woman wants it either. She does not want to lead the relationship; she wants YOU to lead it.

So we are going to talk about this with everything in there, but again Iʼm just distilling it down to only the cold, hard facts that you need to be successful with a woman, long-term, short-term, whatever it may be, these are the things you need to know.

Iʼm also going to go into a little bit about a guide to understanding women. So that you can understand how a womanʼs psychology works within the context of relationship. Even within your friendships and your family, you are going to understand how women work to a very, very strong degree.


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www.CarlosXuma.com We are also going to cover cheat-proofing your relationship, which I know is a very big thing for guys, as well as how to win her back if you lost her, and that one is going to be a little bit controversial, so hang in there for that one.

So we are going to get started today with a little bit of an introduction. First of all, my background, what is my background with relationships? Well, I have had dozens of long-term relationships lasting from several months to several years. I have been through the gamut of human experience when it comes to relationships with women, and believe me, not all of them were good. A lot of them were very, very painful, but those were also the relationships that taught me the most about what women really want, about how to keep women, how to keep interested and attracted and how to not lose them.

Early on, I actually had a few women that dumped me, but for the last ten years or more, I have never had a woman dump or cheat on me and the reason is I have mastered certain skills in relationships that do not allow that to happen. So youʼre going to get this information from somebody who really does understand the dynamics of a relationship with a woman.


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www.CarlosXuma.com I had many short-term relationships in between as well. Those are kind of counterpoints to the long-term relationships. When you get out of a longterm relationship, the last thing you need to be doing is looking for another long-term relationship. We are going to talk about that in the section later on as well.

What I found is that most of the self-help literature out there is geared towards the ideal, not the realistic for most people. This is the problem with most of the books you are going to find on the bookshelves at Borders or Barnes & Nobles or any of those places. You can go on Amazon. They are all really good books and they tell you a lot of real good principles, but what they fail to recognize is that human beings are irrational, emotional creatures.

Yes, even you. Even men are very irrational when it comes to these things because we are involving a part of our brain that we donʼt really want to admit that we have to, and that is the emotional side of our brain.

You may recall from previous programs that Iʼve created that there is a three-part model to the brain. The first part is: •

The lizard brain – thatʼs the part of you that keeps your heart pumping, your lungs going, and if poke you with a stick, you either run or you fight, the fight or flight syndrome. It is the small little nugget of brain at the bottom of your brainstem.


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www.CarlosXuma.com •

Emotional brain – Evolving outside of the lizard brain is your emotional brain. They call this mammalian brain or the limbic brain. Itʼs a part of your brain that has emotions that allows you to form long-term attachments and feel.

•

Neocortex – Outside of the emotional brain is neocortex. Thatʼs the intelligent part of your brain. Thatʼs the rational thinking part that often comes in conflict with the rest of your brain.

So the way this works is if I poke you with a stick, you either want to run or you want to fight. The emotional part of your brain interprets that, thatʼs the next part of your brain that gets the signal and it gets pissed. Itʼs like, “Hey, why did you do that? Why did you poke me with that damn stick?” Then the rational part of your brain is able to get part of the signal and it says, “Oh, wait a minute, you poke with a stick because I was about to accidentally shock myself by touching the electric terminal. Thank you.”

So you see how that interpretation goes? If you rely only on the basic interpretation, you either run or just fight the person that just saved your life. Lucky for us, weʼve got all three parts of our brain. The problem is we donʼt always engage all three, but as you will see there is a way to leverage the best parts of your brain for each duty that it needs to perform.

So now what we are going to do is we are going to talk a little bit more about what this program is about. What are we going to be talking about in the program?


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www.CarlosXuma.com First of all, it is a guide to understanding women. You are going to get a lot of information here. Iʼm not kidding you. There is a lot of really detailed information regarding how women work, how to understand them and use this understand in your relationships because without an understanding of women you will not survive a long-term relationship. It simply wonʼt happen for you. If you stay with her or if you get married, you are going to end up in divorce or conflict or separation and eventually itʼs going to end and thatʼs why you need to know these things. •

You are going to learn how to keep the attraction going long term in the relationship. You are going to learn how to start a relationship. A lot of guys are not really savvy to what it takes to go from the dating stage to the long-term stage. We are going to talk about that.

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How to avoid losing her to another guy, otherwise known as yes, her leaving you, dumping you or cheating on you.

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How to restart or revive a relationship, if itʼs going a little south on you, if itʼs kind of becoming a little bit bland, if she seems like sheʼs starting to lose interest, you want to be able to kick-start that back forward in gear, and believe me, thatʼs a very important technique to understand in any relationship.

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If you need to, you need to be the one to end the relationship, not her, and the most obvious reason is that the dumpee always worse than the dumper. You will never feel good being the person that got dumped, even if you were thinking about doing it, you are pissed because you didnʼt do it first. So we are going to talk about how to end the relationship if you have to, as well as how to win her back in the end if needed. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com So what is a relationship in the context of what we are talking about in this program? Relationship is finding one person to explore and bond with for an undefined period of time. It might be weeks, it might be forever, whatever that period of time may be. It is just finding that one person which you want to form a really strong bond with. Thatʼs it, thatʼs all you have to really know.

You can put aside the religious implications of having to get married or living together or any of that stuff. We are just talking about the connection between you and that person because all that other stuff is an outside, an outward trapping, if you will. It doesnʼt really pertain to the real connection you create with that person. Anybody can get married, but it doesnʼt they are in love, and as Iʼm sure youʼve seen in your own life, it sure as hell doesnʼt mean that there is a real connection there.

Now, society is geared towards relationships. Here is the ugly, ugly truth. The ugly truth about relationship is that yes, our society is built around it because we essentially start it out as animals, and as animals we have to reproduce because if we donʼt reproduce our species would die out, our whole evolutionary aspect.

So random hook ups are simply not the baseline for society. Thatʼs why it will be frowned upon. It will not be looked upon as being a positive thing for you to want to be a pickup artist. I donʼt think itʼs bad. I think you need to have those skills early on so you can learn what you want from women,


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www.CarlosXuma.com learn what it is thatʼs going to work for you and be able to get through enough women to find the right one for you, so those skills are necessary.

But letʼs face it, itʼs not the norm for society. So there you go, those are the quick and easy definitions of what a relationship is and how we are going to define it in the context of this program.

You can have your own definitions and this information will still work for you, unbelievably work for you. Now, the principle of truth, this is really important. This goes back to some of the earliest things Iʼve taught about relationships and about dealing with women. It doesnʼt matter if itʼs shortterm pickups and hookups to long-term sex or whatever it is you want. The principle of truth always, always manages to be any equation.

The fact of the matter is that some things just are. There is no reason why, and you maybe tempted very often to ask yourself, “Why is she doing this? Why is it have to be this way? Why, why, why?” The fact is that there is no why. If you fight reality, itʼs simply going to bite you on the ass because it is.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Itʼs like arguing with a thunder and lightning rainstorm. I can say, “Why, oh why is this thunder and lightning happening?” And I can go outside and say, “I refuse to believe it. I refuse to acknowledge it.” And you get struck by lightning and you are killed. Now, itʼs just thinning the herd and that was stupid, but what is it teaching you? You canʼt argue with reality. It doesnʼt matter how much you are fighting against the thunder and lighting, itʼs still will be thunder and lightning and it will still have the potential to hurt you.

I hope this is getting through on some level. What Iʼm saying here is that women are a certain way and that way is different than you, and if you keep asking, “Why they have to be that way? It doesnʼt seem logical. They are so irrational. They are so emotional. Why did she do that? I canʼt believe sheʼs doing that.” And believe me, I still do this from time to time. I still catch myself in this line of thinking of, “Why? Why are women like this? Oh my God.” Because itʼs not my reality, you have to accept it and work with it, WORK WITH IT. Thatʼs the important part.

I come from a martial arts background and I can tell you the most important thing you can learn in the martial arts eventually is not to block somebody or try and stop their punch by hitting them, itʼs to not be there when the punch comes and step aside and let that energy pass by you, and itʼs that skill that will make you successful in relationships.


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www.CarlosXuma.com You have to accept and work with it the way that an artist accepts the nature of wood or clay, and he doesnʼt treat one like the other. It sounds kind of poetic and somewhat philosophical, but itʼs very important. You donʼt see a sculptor that works with clay trying to shape and mold wood. They canʼt do it. They know that wood is a different substance, and the same thing, a woodworker would not try and chisel clay the same way. So you have to treat women differently than you might treat yourself for another guy, and you have to really recognize that there is an essential difference there.

We donʼt act like we should act. We act like we do act. Let me say that again, itʼs very important. We donʼt act like we should. We act like we do. So women will act the way they do as irrational, as emotional. As angering as it may be to you, they will act the way they are going to act and there is nothing you can do about it. You have to deal with it.

So letʼs get that through our heads and really remind yourself that over and over and over again because it will save you a lot of heartache in the long run because the more you resist the way women are, the less success you will have with them.


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www.CarlosXuma.com A Few Warnings A few warnings before we get into the deep part of this program. First of all, beware of the advice that falls back on vague or poorly understood principles like trust, giving and these New-Age-white-light-of-love type concepts. They are going to tell you about the way it should be. Human beings should be able to be together in bliss and harmony, and you should be able to experience this empowering embracing light of love. Iʼm already getting sick just talking about it.

It doesnʼt work this way. Itʼs simply does not work this way, and itʼs one of the important myths that we are going to bust in this program because by busting this myth, you are going to be more successful with relationships. You could keep expecting that you are going to have as great New Age white light of glow and love about you when you are with a woman. If you expect that from her, you are going to be sorely disappointed and disillusioned, and as a result, you are probably going to ruin the relationship you have.

Remember, we are human beings. We make mistakes. We are fallible. We are very fallible, and there is one place that we are more fallible I think than anywhere else and thatʼs in our relationships.

So as far as these concepts go with things like the giving, the trust, the respect, passion, letting go, communication, these are all great words, but


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www.CarlosXuma.com they are very vague and they donʼt lead you to any great understanding about how relationships really work, so be careful about them. Now, I will use these terms but not vaguely. Iʼm going to give them specifics. Iʼm going to give them more concrete understanding for you, so you are not going to be left going, “Yeah, trust. What the hell is that?”

So beware of the New Age trap. This is another big one I had to explain to guys. Be careful about New Agey thinking when it comes to relationships. The one example I want to give you is one that came from a seminar I just performed recently, and the guys said, “How do you end a relationship on good terms with a woman?” And Iʼm using his words here, “Because I always want to leave a woman feeling better about herself and being a better person than when I found her, and I just want to have that positive impact on her life.” And I remember I was on a stage with somebody else at that time, we were looking and Iʼm going, “Forget it. You canʼt, dude. Thatʼs the worst thing you can do. Itʼs try to think that you can control and save other people from themselves.” Be very careful about this.

There is a lot of New Agey principles that come into relationships that will give you the idea that you can somehow have this wonderful impact on other people. Yes, to some degree you can, but if you make this your goal with things like leaving a woman feeling good about the fact that you broke up with her, which doesnʼt happen.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Iʼm sorry, but emotions will be what emotions will be, and trying to do that will actually sabotage you in the long run. It will make you a wreck. It will make you one of those wimpy, wheezy little guys who doesnʼt understand. You will come in with a certain amount of understanding, but you will exit the game with a lot of disillusionment and pain. Trust me on this one.

We are going to talk a little bit more about some of the myths again later on the program, but I want to really warn you about that. Be careful about these New Age thinking processes.

This program will disillusion you in a good way. It is really important you understand this that you are going to get disillusioned and it an important part of the growth process when it comes to relationships. As you go through this phase of being disillusioned and then you become reeducated and then you find new faith in relationships because you now understand how they really work as opposed to that fluffy bullshit speak that most people talk about.

Most people, Iʼm here to tell you this, yes, you. That most people out there do not have a freaking clue about how relationships work, so keep that in mind. Itʼs really important.

The penalty for non-adherence to the principles Iʼm going to teach you is she will eventually cheat on you and then she will leave you. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com I want you to keep this in your mind. This is a very painful thing for me to tell you, but I had to tell you this. If you donʼt follow the principles with what Iʼm teaching you in this program, she will eventually cheat on you and she will eventually leave you.

One of the big myths out there is that women actually are the ones that are pure, the ones that donʼt cheat, and that guys are the ones that cheat. The fact of the matter is women cheat just as much as men. They are just damn good at hiding it. Itʼs like a secret, subversive cult where if you are woman, you just know that you never speak of these things in public. So they have maintained a very pristine image, but unfortunately, itʼs not true.

I know this is a painful thing to learn and itʼs also a painful thing to believe, but if you use this in your head as motivation, you wonʼt screw up like most guys do. Women will eventually cheat on you and leave you if you donʼt follow the right principles.

Iʼm going to pull over our little screen here so you can see this. This is something I just pulled up because a lot of guys donʼt believe it until I actually showed it to them.

One of the myths out there, this is one of the ones that was on a popular site, Discovery Health. One of the myths is that it is usually men who initiates divorce proceedings.


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www.CarlosXuma.com The fact of the matter is that two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women, and they say here that the recent study found that many of the reasons really have to do with the nature of the divorce laws.

For example, in most states, women have a good chance of receiving custody of the children, yada, yada, yada. Well, the honest to God truth is itʼs because most men donʼt realize the relationship is over until itʼs already over. The woman does and sheʼs already preparing her exit visa and you are the one left holding the bag, actually holding the bag of money that you have to give to her because you are getting divorced.

So we are going to talk about that, too, how to handle the prospect of marriage in your life, too. Dark stuff we are going to be talking about, but thatʼs one of the myths. You have to understand, there is a reason why women initiate most divorces, and we will get into that, too.

Some messages are going to repeat in this program, so I want you to pay attention to them. You are going to hear them over and over and over again, like the principle of truth we will repeat. Itʼs true and it will come up in certain situations, and I want to emphasize them when they come up.

There will never be a substitute for critical thinking, so that part of the process is always going to be left up to you. I can give you some rules, some understanding of the process of keeping attraction going with a woman and avoiding a lot of the pain that most guys end up © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com experiencing with women, but itʼs up to you to use critical thinking to figure out where you are, critical thinking as opposed to emotional thinking. Iʼm talking about the outside layer of brain, that neocortex logical part of you that can look at things objectively, and I want that part of you to override the emotional brain when itʼs necessary.

So how do you get the most out of this program? 1. First of all, this is a reference tool. Come back to it frequently. Iʼm

going to provide to you a version of this on MP3. You should be listening to it on your iPod or your phone or whatever it you are listening to. With audio programs like this on, you need to be listening to it regularly and reminding yourself of it. I find listening to a program three times is a minimum. I get the most out of a program after I listen to it maybe five or six times because you will learn. You will apply it in your life. You will come back to it and you will hear things that youʼve never heard before, and thatʼs what is more important. 2. The exercises in this program will likely be real life for you. In other

words, you are not going to be able to practice a lot of the relationship stuff. You are going to have to use it in real-life situations, so get to work on using it. Whether you are in a relationship or not, you can use this stuff in a lot of different areas in your life. 3. Use the information you hear and then reflect on your past and

current problems that you had and your patterns that youʼve experienced in your life. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com "

You are going to see a lot of truth coming out of that. Past

"

experience, past patterns that you have gone into with women and

"

relationships will tell you a lot about you. Iʼm going to repeat " this

probably several times in this program, too. My favorite "saying that I created was, “You will never learn more about " the context of a long-term " to learn more about "

yourself than you will in

relationship.” In other words, you are going

yourself in the context of a long-term relationship

than " anywhere else in your life and it will happen frequently for you. 4. Talk to men and women who are in relationships, validate the stuff

Iʼm talking about. Iʼm not asking you to just take what Iʼm saying on faith, talk to guys and find out for yourself if what Iʼm saying is true. You will find that it is true. Just be able to separate it from the bullshit that most guys bring up when they have to defend their position. When a guy is in a bad spot in a relationship, you are going to learn a lot about his character. 5. Be brutally real with yourself, brutally real. If you put on the

disillusionment goggles, you will suffer when it comes to relationship. There is no two ways about it. A lot of guys disillusion themselves about relationships and what love is and what they should be. And in the end, what they do is they kill themselves, emotionally and spiritually, because they were never really telling themselves the truth. We are going to be real on this program. I am not going to be assuming it. Iʼm going to tell you exactly the way it is.

So thatʼs how you get the most out of this program.


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www.CarlosXuma.com A few disclaimers before we get started with the real meat here. •

All means most. When I say all women do this, or all women do that, or all guys do this, what I really mean is most of us do this. Yes, there will always be exceptions to the rule, and if you try and pick it apart based on the exceptions, we will never get anywhere on this program. You have to understand that all just means most people.

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Where there is extreme difficulty in your life, I want you to seek help. Frankly, I canʼt. I am not a health professional. I am not a therapist. I do not have doctorate or a college degree in this area. I have taken classes and many, many years of experience but ultimately I am not a health care professional. So if there is something extreme in your life, you need to take care of that with a therapist or possibly a mental health care professional. Itʼs very simple there.

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Donʼt blame here if something doesnʼt work for you in one situation. With some of the stuff Iʼm going to tell you, you are going to take and you are going to put into application but you may not be accurate in the way that you do it, and if thatʼs the case, you may screw it up. So even if Iʼm telling you the right thing to do, you might not apply it correctly, or for whatever reason, the woman is not as responsive to that particular strategy. Whatever reason that may be, just recognize one does not make a pattern and there are no black and whites. There are only grays, especially in the area of relationships, but Iʼm going to give you the darkest and lightest shades.


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www.CarlosXuma.com In other words, I will be able to give you the best concrete advice I can and give you the exceptions along the way, so just accept that. There is nothing but gray area in this area of relationships. Itʼs your critical thinking ability, your intelligence, is going to tell you when a situation meets a certain criteria and needs to be addressed a certain way. Thatʼs up to you. I canʼt take that away from you, and I wouldnʼt want to. So donʼt go into this thinking you can just be damn robot and just follow Carlosʼ rules, youʼve got to be smart about it. Apply it correctly.

So there you go, that is a brief introduction to this program. If you have to even review this part, I would recommend you do that, but go into the next section which is Starting Relationships.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Section 1: Starting Relationships!

I want to cover with you all of the essential ingredients for how to get it from the dating stage into the more extended dating phase where you donʼt have to worry about losing her to some other guy, and when you are in a certain territory at the start and you want to know how to kick-start it off into a more long term or permanent arrangement. front that those are more difficult to maintain. They are exponentially more difficult, but we will cover a little bit of that as we talk about how to Now, this could be with one woman, it could be with many women, if you are one of those guys that like multiple long-term relationships. I will tell you up start relationships.

Now, there is a lot of materials here, so we are going to move fairly quickly through some of it, but as well I want to make sure that we cover everything in detail. So we are going to start with, first of all, the pros and cons of relationships. This is an important one because a lot of guys donʼt really think about both sides of this before they get themselves hooked up into a situation that they may or may not want to be in. So letʼs talk about the pros and cons.


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www.CarlosXuma.com What are the pros of having a relationship?

There is stability. There is stability, and thatʼs an important aspect of relationships I think that every guy gravitates to. We donʼt want the unstable, the constant having to go out and meet new women, and the unfortunate thing is a lot of guys get into relationships because they just want to avoid that area that they are just not that good at, which is being able to walk up and approach women and meet women.

I mean, a lot of guys, and I mean a lot, meaning about 80-90% of guys will actually get into relationships because they have no other skills. They find a women finally that has some interest in them and they are not going to lose this one because God knows what it will take to earn affections and interest of another woman, “Whew! I managed to get one. Iʼve got to hold on to her.” Thatʼs scarcity thinking and that will long term screw you because a lot of guys end up being with only the second or third woman that they sleep with sometimes will be the one that they actually end up marrying.

Thatʼs not a good statistic because you need a lot more choices, not just sexually, just in relationships in terms of different women that you meet, youʼve got to know what different women are like to be able to choose one effectively. So stability is one of the big pros for having relationship. Youʼve got a stable relationship, you feel like you have ground under your


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www.CarlosXuma.com feet. You feel much more prepared and able to to take on life. Youʼve got a partner.

Another pro is the foundation for future growth. A relationship is an awesome place to use as an anchor for you to grow and to experience other parts of life, to take on new things because youʼve got this one home-base of stable emotional roots for you to come back to. Thatʼs a great way to use relationships, by the way. Itʼs one that I encourage guys to use all the time.

Another pro is the connections that you form with another person. There is really nothing like that, that feeling of sharing your emotions, your experience. What a lot of people talk about when they talk about relationships is this need we have to share the pains, the joys and just to share a life with somebody else kind of validates your existence here. A solitary existence is not the way we were meant to be as far as humans.

Another pro is you are able to build a family. You are able to have a woman and then you can have children with her. You can build a family. Itʼs something that a lot of guys I know actually do enjoy the thought of. Again, with guys we thought of as being the solitary go-out-and-just-bangwomen types, but honestly we all, at some point, have this urge to “settle down,” and I really donʼt like that term, by the way, but I use it for the sake of familiarity because we want to build a family and build a stable foundation.


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www.CarlosXuma.com A relationship also facilitates, again, tremendous growth. What I was talking about before, you are not going to learn more or grow more than you will in the context of a long-term relationship. Your personal growth is going to be fueled by your need to get over conflicts, work things out, get through the disagreements, handle incompatibilities and inconsistencies in your relationship. There are a lot of things you are going to learn by virtue of just being there in the relationship, and they are also very, very important. A lot of people I know I would probably not be friends with if they hadnʼt gotten married or gotten into a very long-term relationship with somebody because they will be just dicks. I canʼt think of any better way to say it. They wouldnʼt have worked out a lot of the kinks of understanding how to be with another person, how to be a little bit more selfless instead of selfish.

So those are some of the pros of being in a relationship.

What are some of the cons?

Well, you may expect this list to be huge, but itʼs not as much as you might think. There is somewhat of a natural conspiracy that societyʼs expectation is that you get into a relationship. The unfortunate thing is that they would like you to begin the relationship far earlier than you probably need to, so keep that in mind. You donʼt need to be in a relationship until you are ready to be in one.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Long-term relationships work against your sexual nature as a man. It is a fact that men are much more built for spreading our seed as opposed to staying with one person. Itʼs just a natural fact of evolutionary biomechanics, and all that stuff. It all comes together in the fact that men are built to procreate with as many different people as possible, and the reason being, again, is evolutionary concept about how we have more diversity in our genes, how we ensure the survival of our species, yada, yada, yada. Itʼs doesnʼt matter.

What I want you to understand is that it just doesnʼt matter. Women will try and make you feel bad about the fact that you have a natural aversion to monogamy, and this is something to be careful of because it can trick you into a relationship you donʼt want to have. Society again has a little bit of a conspiracy against us in that they present relationships as being a necessary part of our life. You shouldnʼt be with more than one woman, especially at the same time, “Whatʼs the matter with you, you bad man? You dog, you cheater, you abuser, you user.” And what is underneath all of that? And this is really a very fine sub-text and itʼs very controversial, but underneath all of that is you rapist and itʼs a horrible nasty thing you have to say, but this is what men have to fight every single day in terms of perception.

So recognize that it does work against your sexual nature. You are naturally built to procreate with many women and thatʼs not a bad thing, no matter what any religion may tell, and I have my own personal opinions on that but Iʼll keep to myself. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com Religions may tell you this as well, and again it all forms kind of a subversive control of you and you have to be aware of that. Most things that are created in society are built to control other people, so there is a certain amount of a pecking order built into our world.

It requires creativity. This is another one of those cons about relationships that a lot of guys may not to admit that itʼs there. You really have to be creative to keep things interesting and to keep her interested. You are going to have to put in some work.

Now, thatʼs not a surprise to you, is it? I mean, you didnʼt come into this program thinking you are going to be able to just breeze through a relationship and be scot free without having to put any effort in, did you?

Well, trust me, the kind of effort you put in once you understand what effort you need to put in is vastly different than the guys who are just winging it and working their asses off trying to keep a relationship going. Most of them donʼt have a clue and thatʼs where you are going to do better. Yes, you will have to put in a little bit of energy, but it wonʼt be as exhausting as it will be for the guys that just donʼt have a clue.

Itʼs also easy to fall into a rut and then rely on your relationship too much, and this is why I think most guys are the ones who the women initiate a divorce on because the guy is much more reliant and dependent on a relationship than the woman is. The fact of the matter is that guys fall into © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com this rut very easily when they are more solitary. We donʼt have the same kind of support systems that women do, so itʼs much easier for women to walk out of a relationship, especially if she determines it as bad for her.

There are many other pros and cons here, but I wanted to point out some of the bigger ones, so that you are aware that getting into a relationship with a woman is not something you should be taking on whim.

So what is love?

Love is that thing we are looking for out there, isnʼt it? We want to find a woman to fall in love with, to be in love with, to have a loving relationship. Love, love, love, love. No, Iʼm not going to sing any Beatles here.

Love is really a biochemical reaction. This is important to understand because, again, as humans we like to believe that we are rationally in control of our lives. We want to believe that we can control our thinking and our emotions, and we can but weʼre not. Most people do not control themselves.

Love is a biochemical process, and this is again, this is more evolutionary science for you, maybe more than you want to know, but short term biochemically what happens is when you find a woman that you are attracted to, you bio-releases chemicals that are literally stronger than


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www.CarlosXuma.com crack cocaine. It gives you that high, that sense of euphoria that is like nothing else.

Iʼm sure you have experienced this, I have. Itʼs an incredible experience and itʼs one that you donʼt want to end, and thatʼs the part that starts the addiction because after a little while of this, you no longer want to be alone. You want to be with this woman, “What has come over me? Whatʼs going on? I donʼt want to stay home and play the PlayStation anymore. I want to go out and I want to be with this woman.”

Well, itʼs Natureʼs way of bonding you to her, so that you will stick with her long enough for her to have a successful procreation, have a kid and you will be around to provide for it. It sounds kind of clinical, scientific, but itʼs real.

Long term, those feelings change and they change subtly and the chemicals in your brain actually change subtly from the endorphins and the dopamine and all things that get released. By the way, this is all stuff you can look up readily, whether itʼs online or getting a good book about it, and I can recommend a few to you.

Long term what happens in a relationship is it turns into more like a heroine addiction. Now, for those of you that arenʼt druggies, Iʼm not a druggie. For those of you that may not be familiar with how this works, crack cocaine is intense in its effects and itʼs very devastating. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com Itʼs very powerful. Heroine, on the other hand, is a much more slow burn. It makes you feel good kind of on a consistent level to a certain degree, but when that feeling or that drug is removed, you go through intense withdrawal, and itʼs the same thing. A guy can be in a relationship with a woman and not feel those highs of really being, “Wow! This is fantastic.” Because it does change, it loses a little bit of that.

What will happen later on is if heʼs been in a relationship or marriage with a woman for several years and then she leaves him or they break up for whatever reason, he feels it and he doesnʼt even realized it until heʼs out of it. Heʼs like, “Oh my God, this is awful.” He feels the devastating impact. Thatʼs the long-term effect.

Most of those are biochemical reactions in his head. You are not logically in control of this stuff. Your rational mind would probably tell you, “What? You want me to stay with one woman, sex with one woman for the rest of my life? Are you out of your mind?” Can you get the idea now on how your brain has to trick you a little bit?

Itʼs a mating imperative. Basically it makes it possible for us to create kids and force you to stick with them long enough that something positive might come out of the whole affair. So biochemically thatʼs what love is, and I know this can be disillusionment for a lot of guys out there, but thatʼs the reality of whatʼs going on in your brain. Itʼs an emotional response but itʼs also a chemical response that you are not aware of.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Why is it so damn hard to stop the downhill slide, this falling in love. Well, it is literally an addiction process in your brain. Itʼs sometimes called love addiction because we do get addicted with that rush. There are people out there, and I was one for a short time, that would get addicted to the feeling of being addicted to a woman. Itʼs hard to explain, but you just want this feeling. You want that rush, you want that jolt of energy and motivation you get from having a woman thatʼs interested in you and you are interested in her. You are hot for each other. You are having this wild, crazy monkey sex and it just feels great, right?

Well, ultimately that becomes an addiction itself. You become addicted to that feeling and itʼs not easy to see why. Itʼs a biochemical thing. So we are going to lose a little bit of the romantic shine in this program because I need you to see through to what love and relationships are really about, so that you donʼt get screwed so that women donʼt leave you or cheat on you or cause any of the immense amount of pain that they can cause for you.

Lose a little bit of this romantic aspect. You have to be a realist up front, so that you can risk letting go later on. In other words, right when those chemicals are hitting you like crack cocaine, you need to be in control. You need to be holding the reins on this poppy, and if you are not, you are going to be in trouble.

The most important buying decision of your life is the woman that you choose to be with. Let me say that again, the most important buying


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www.CarlosXuma.com decision you are going to make in your life is the woman that you are going to be with over the long term because she will either enable a wonderful life or she will cause you crushing misery. Trust me on this one. Itʼs very, very important, so choose wisely.

I am going to give you specific criteria that you need to look for in a woman. Iʼve got some guest speakers on this topic as well and we are going to talk about specific things you are going to be looking and specific things you need to avoid.

Structure of Relationship

Now, letʼs move on to the next part here. Letʼs talk about structure. What is the structure of relationships? Well, I work within my own model here. I created this model called ʻFind, Connect, and Keepʼ.

What we will be talking about in this program is a little bit of the connect, but a lot of the keep, the latter part of it. The find and connect part, for the most part, had been covered in almost all of my other programs. We will not going to go into detail here. I am not going to talk about approaching women. I know that approaching women is the number one topic for most guys, but here is the sad fact, approaching women gets you nowhere if you canʼt keep her. Thatʼs what we are talking about here, the Big Keep.


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www.CarlosXuma.com So, thatʼs the structure of a relationship, itʼs finding a woman that you can connect with, connecting with her and then learning the skills to keep her over the long term.

The guiding principles of relationships and starting relationships that I want you to follow: •

Remember that there is no such thing as forever when it comes to relationships. There is only ʻuntil it serves youʼ, or ʻit does not serve youʼ. You stay in the relationship for as long as it benefits you AND HER, not or her and they are not forever. So donʼt think in terms of forever when it comes to relationships. Itʼs another romantic concept we have to let go of.

•

Donʼt become dependent on the “security” of a relationship. There is no security in a relationship. Thatʼs the fact of the matter. The reality is that a woman can leave you at any time for any reason and you, my friend, cannot control that. Well, most men canʼt control it. You are going to learn how to control to a certain degree in this program, but the ultimate truth is, we cannot control another human being. Something wild can happen and her wires might get fried and she decides she wants to go off to Bolivia to live with some woman and she has been a closet lesbian most of her life. Iʼm creating the craziest shit here, but you know what happens. It will happen and eventually you are going to wonder, “What the hell happened?” Well, donʼt become dependent on the relationship to keep you afloat. If you do, if something happens, if, if, if, you are going to be in a bad and troubled boat. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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I think the boatʼs name is Titanic, if it happens to you and I donʼt

"

want you to be there. I donʼt want you to be the one running

"

around on the deck looking for a life boat when there are none.

How men become destroyed by divorce? Well, Iʼll give you a statistic. More than two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women. There is this pattern that men fall into, and Iʼm not go into detail here, but the pattern is basically where a guy letʼs himself fall into a relationship mostly for the security, mostly because he does not know how maybe to get the woman he really wants, so he takes what he can get. He settles and then he fails to put in the effort and the energy. The woman becomes more disillusioned and before he knows it, he thinks things are going along great, even if it is good for him, and eventually she says, “I donʼt know if this is working out. I need to find myself. I need to be free.” And she packs her bags and trucks on out that door. Thatʼs, again, something that should never happen to you when you learn whatʼs going to covered here.

Men are destroyed by divorce more than women because men have fewer support systems. They have less coping skills with those sorts of things. Women are much, much more capable. Even though they show a lot of emotions, they are much more capable at managing them and handling them than the men are. So when a guy goes into that heroine addiction phase of relationships, he doesnʼt understand how to handle it when he has to go back to withdrawal. So watch out for the pattern. The pattern is very frequent with guys and we have to avoid it.


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www.CarlosXuma.com When the relationship actually starts? Well, in general, if you are still dating a woman after two months and there is forward movement, then you probably have a relationship going. If things are still progressing after two months and you are dating her and you are seeing her regularly, congratulations, my friend, youʼve got yourself a relationship, whether you wanted it or not, you do.

In most cases, guys do want it. Once they find a woman thatʼs pretty cool and there are no big red flags, hey, you want to keep this thing moving forward. If you are wondering if you have a relationship, ask if she or you would be hurt if it ended right now. If there will be a good amount of hurt there and I donʼt mean just, “Oh, that sucks.” No, I mean some pain, with some distinct pain, well, then chances are youʼve got a relationship because there is emotional bonding that has happened there, so that is a good easy criteria for you to ask when you want to know, “Hey, am I in a relationship?” Thatʼs the one.

Itʼs very important to understand, a relationship does not need to be declared by you. What do I mean by that? Well, why should a relationship not be needed to be declared? You donʼt need to be the guy that says, “Hey, I want to have a long-term relationship with you. I want to date you long term,” whatever you want to say. You donʼt have to say, “Letʼs have a relationship.” It will happen naturally on its own.


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www.CarlosXuma.com In fact, you donʼt want to be the one to say it. Iʼm going to cover the reasons why in a little bit. I donʼt want to tell you yet, but itʼs really important. Think about it between now and then. Why is it that you donʼt need to be the one that declares or establishes a relationship with you and this woman you are with? We are going to talk about that, but you donʼt need to do it. Just know that you donʼt, and we will talk about more why in a bit.

Letʼs talk about the most important attitude. The most important attitude in a relationship is that you choose a relationship you do not need it. Another one you should be writing down, by the way, if you are taking notes which should be in this program, you choose the relationship. You do not need the relationship. You control it. You stay because you want her, not because you are afraid of the pain of being alone or having to find another woman or any of that crap. Recognize that you stay because you want her, not because you are afraid of the pain of not wanting or not having her. This is another common trap that we fall into. Donʼt let it happen to you.

Another attitudinal aspect to understand is you donʼt want to settle below your standards. We are going to establish some standards for you in this program. You are going to learn exactly what it is you want in a woman so that you never have settle. You donʼt have to feel like, “Oh, sheʼs okay. Sheʼll do.”


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www.CarlosXuma.com This is a tee-shirt that my friend Adam designed and on the front is a bride and a groom, and the bride is saying, “I do.” And the groom is saying, “Sheʼll do.” And you donʼt want to have that happen. You donʼt have a woman that is somebody you are just settling for thatʼs below what you want.

If there is a part of you that could walk away and deal with the fact that you are leaving a relationship behind, but you choose to stay anyways because you really do want her and you want this relationship, then you are probably in the right zone for a relationship.

It sounds kind of odd to say it that way, but it really is true. If you could find yourself leaving this relationship willingly, walking away from it, it will cause you some pain. Yes, it would be a little difficult, but if you could do that and still decide you want to stay, you are in the right place for a relationship because you are not going to be tempted by a lot of things you would be tempted by otherwise and you wonʼt be drawn into any of the traps and disillusionments.

There is this thing called the Serenity Prayer, you may have heard this. Let me read it literally here. Iʼll put it up, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” This actually comes from somebody named Reinhold Neibuhr. I guess thatʼs the originator of this and there is


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www.CarlosXuma.com more to it actually. Itʼs more of a religious prayer, but that first part of it, itʼs called the Serenity prayer.

It is used frequently because itʼs actually really important. You do need to know that there are certain things you cannot change. There are certain things you can change and you have to have the ability or belief in yourself and the courage to be able to do it, and knowing the difference between the two is probably the wisest aspect of any man, knowing what you can and canʼt change. So keep that in mind in your relationships.

You really canʼt change a person, but you can lead them in the right direction. You can help them get there, but you canʼt change them, not directly. So shape by example. There is a three-step method. My friend explained to me how he handles relationships. I want to share this with you. Itʼs a very powerful formula if you will and you can use this at any point in a relationship. •

Explain what it is you want. If there is an area of conflict or tension in a relationship like sheʼs not cleaning the house like you want her to. You wanted her to keep the house clean, maybe you are a guy like me and you like a clean house. Number one is to explain what it is you want. Tell her what your expectations are, “You know what, honey? Iʼd like to really keep this house clean, and I want to see if we can do that together as a team?”


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Demonstrate by doing it. You do it and you show her exactly what it is you do, so that she sees it in action. She sees you doing it. Itʼs just not words.

•

Award her when she actually does what it is you want her to do. When she cleans the house, you recognize it. Always recognize something if you want her to repeat, so you say, “Honey, awesome! Iʼm glad you are helping me out keeping this place clean. It makes me so much happier that we can do that together.”

Boom! Thatʼs the three-step method. If you use this in every area of your relationship, you are going to find that we removed a lot of conflict and tension and you will motivate her correctly. You cannot motivate somebody consistently with a stick. By the stick, I mean the stick that you hit them with, the punishment that you are throwing behind them, “If you donʼt clean this house, damn it, Iʼm leaving.” That doesnʼt work quite as well as this does.

Remember, punitive measures create this atmosphere of resentment where they wonʼt want to help you out. They wonʼt want to work with you on anything. She is just going to do it out of spite, just because she can, and you donʼt want to set up that kind of atmosphere. So itʼs really important, review these three steps. •

Explain what you want and what your expectations are.

•

Demonstrate what it is by doing it, so she sees it in action.

•

Reward what she does when she does what you want. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com Remember that punitive measures, these things we do to punish somebody for not doing what we want, they donʼt work. This is really the method for getting somebody to change or to go in the direction you want them to go in. Remember that. Itʼs an awesome powerful method.

So there you go, that is a little bit about the important attitude in a relationship and that most important attitude again is that you are choosing to be in a relationship for your own reasons, for the relationship itself, not because you are so tied up in the emotions or that you are afraid of losing the relationship. You are there because you want to be. Thatʼs really important.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Hi, welcome back. Weʼre going to talk about discovering your own needs next. This is going to be another active area participation on your part because weʼre going to figure out what it is you really need here. An active exercise I want you to take, I want you to get out your journal, and whether you do it now, if youʼre listening to this in your car, obviously do it later on. If youʼre watching this right now, you should be stopping the program, pausing. If you are just going straight through from start to finish, yes, youʼll get some understanding on enlightenment, but the real enlightenment comes from doing the things that I tell you to do throughout the course of the program.

Number one is I want you to list all of your attitudes about relationships that you have right now. List all of them out. I did this early on, and Iʼll tell you, it was really an eye opener for me because I discovered how it is I really felt about relationships. •

What it is I really felt about them?

•

What do you think works?

•

What do you think doesnʼt work in a relationship?

•

What it is you think you want?

•

What it is you donʼt think you want in a relationship?

•

What are your attitudes about relationships in general?

•

What relationships have you experienced?

•

What relationships have you seen like between your parents?


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www.CarlosXuma.com A really big one is your parentʼs relationship because it will shape and mold the way you treat your own.

So list your attitudes about relationships. Everything you can think of. I mean Iʼm leaving this wide open for you primarily because itʼs kind of a therapeutic tool. Itʼs like me asking you, “So tell me how you feel about relationships.” And then you just start to blabber around at the mouth about how you feel about them. Youʼre going to have more insights just by hearing yourself talk or writing it down than you will any other way I can possibly tell you about, so list those attitudes. Youʼre going to find ones that will make you go, "Huh, they really feel that way about relationships?"

And you might find that youʼre in a place right now where you know that there are some things about relationships you need to get over. One of the ones that I figured out from my own list of attitudes was I had the attitude of, “Well, the woman is in control.” And I thought to myself, “Whoa! Dude, that sucks." I donʼt honestly think I want to get into a relationship where I believe that, but itʼs what I do believe, so no wonder Iʼm having so much problems or so many problems in the relationships I have. It is because Iʼve been having this misplaced belief that woman are the ones in control. I need to get that control back before I get into another relationship. Do you see how it goes? So list your attitudes about relationships.

List your conflicting emotions and be aware of them because we do have conflicting emotions. At one hand, weʼre attracted to woman.


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www.CarlosXuma.com We love women. On the other hand, we may resent the amount of sexual control that they hold. We may resent the fact that maybe a past girlfriend wielded that control over sex to manipulate the relationship. We may also resent the fact that women are more emotional as men and we donʼt have the skills or the patience sometimes to deal with them.

List the conflicting emotions that you have about it, the ones that works against your ability to put in the effort for a relationship. Be aware of these along the way. The more aware you are, and this is a big part of relationship success, by the way, is knowing how you are and how your own identity gets in the way, because thatʼs really what a relationship does.

When we get into a conflict, what we are talking about are two separate identities that are clashing. I have beliefs. She has beliefs. Sometimes they donʼt match, so weʼre trying to put this puzzle together and it wonʼt go together like two pieces that wonʼt quite fit. But they do fit if you turn them a little bit. Weʼre just avoiding some of the interfacing between our belief systems, our prejudices, whatever.

Those conflicting areas have to be at least resolved and by understanding yourself, youʼll be way ahead of the game when it comes to resolving conflicts. Because let me tell you, conflicts are going to happen in a relationship no matter what you do. If you have the skills though to manage them, and this is something I worked really hard on and Iʼve got a really clear cut set of skills that Iʼm going to teach you, when you learn


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www.CarlosXuma.com these skills I will teach you in handling conflicts and handling arguments and how to get past them with women, youʼre going to find your life is so much easier. Not just with women even, with everybody, because the same things happen in arguments with friends, your family, the people you work with, itʼs all the same. There is a little bit more emotional content when it comes to a relationship.

List your past patterns regarding relationships. What are the things that happen to you typically in relationships? Now, if you havenʼt had a lot of relationships, itʼs okay. Break down what you have experienced, but for the most part, what are your past patterns and how will you mange this when it comes up again, because it will.

If you know that after three months, youʼre going to get tired of a woman, what are you going to do to maintain that relationship? Now, what do you want long term? Have you figured out the patterns youʼve got in your past that may eventually come up and probably will come up, how are you going to deal with those? Well, the best thing to think of is what is it you want, long term in a relationship? You have to have two lists. You have to have your must-haves and you have to have your nice-to-haves.

Your must haves are the things you absolutely think you have to have in a relationship or itʼs not going to work for you.


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You must have sex.

•

You must have fun.

•

You must have a common interest in movies.

•

You must have the ability to eat good food together.

These are things that are important to certain people and you must have. There are some universal must haves which every relationship needs.

And then there are some nice-to-haves. The things we would like to have but maybe arenʼt necessary to keep a relationship going. This usually fall into common interest categories like, “Well, it would be nice if she was interested in the same kind of books that I read.” Youʼve got to recognize that thereʼs a difference there. And youʼre going to change this list because you have a frame of comparison.

You start out with this list, and then you date many women. Thatʼs the frame of comparison, date a lot of women, the skills that I teach you is in terms of attraction and the ability to meet and be with many women. And youʼre going to have an idea of, "You know what? I thought it was important if she had the same kind of taste that I did in music, but honestly no. Iʼm pretty wide open myself when it comes to music, so Iʼd be more amenable to listening to her music than other way around. It doesnʼt really matter to me.” Great, you can move it from must-have to nice-to-have, or even take it off your list entirely.


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www.CarlosXuma.com But you donʼt figure this out until you have a relationship to figure it out in.

So letʼs get then into the next. It will evolve. Your list will evolve. Your needs will evolve and your understanding will evolve for the rest of your life. If you think what you want now is seven stone and will never change, please, it goes right along that saying, “Never say never.” Never say always, and never say never because it will change. Your needs will change, and youʼll discover that, “You know what? Iʼm lightening up a little bit. Iʼm not such a hard ass about this or that, and thatʼs way I am.” I think most guys get that way when they finally realized, “Do you know what? Itʼs not that big deal.” So you may become unglued from some of your own needs or your own desires as you get older or just wiser or more experienced.

And, can you be uncomfortable with the uncertainty of relationships as part of your needs? Can you yourself, Iʼm asking the rest of you right now, yes, you, can you be comfortable in this whole uncertainty that youʼre going to have over relationships? Because the fact that matter is that all relationships come without a guarantee. In other words, there are no relationships that are guaranteed. None, absolutely none, nothing is guaranteed in a relationship.

Ultimately, you can never be completely secure that this person is going to be with you. You can never be. You may want to be, but when you fall back on that reliance thatʼs you usually when things start going south.


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www.CarlosXuma.com You must always be an independent entity of a man. You must always have the ability to go on and carry on no matter what happens to you in life. You must be a survivor. And to be a survivor you must realize that maybe this woman wonʼt be with you for the rest of your life, maybe.

You canʼt control another person. You can never control another person. You can only choose them with a critical eye. If you have a critical eye, you can choose the right person up front, but you donʼt have to change them later on. Trust me. This is a lot better than the other way around. If you choose a woman hoping to change her into what you want, no, my friend, you are in for a world of hurt or opening a hurt locker, as they say.

Whatever relationship you get is going to have to be temporary, youʼre going to be fine. If you can deal with that, thatʼs great. If you have to have this woman waiting for the rest of your life because thatʼs what your emotions tell you and thatʼs what your insecurity tells you, youʼre going to have a lot more problems in a long run. You got to get rid of that insecurity. Youʼve got to realize that no matter what, no relationship comes with a guarantee.

Relationships should also not be a crutch for your own insecurities. In other words, you donʼt get into a relationship to make you feel better about yourself because youʼre an insecure person. It doesnʼt work that way. If anything, your insecurities will make that relationship almost intolerable. Again, recognize that relationships do not cure anything.


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www.CarlosXuma.com They donʼt solve anything. Theyʼre not meant to fix another part of your life. If you donʼt come into a relationship whole, youʼre not going to have a whole relationship. It sounds like one of those clever New Agey things out of a book, isnʼt it? But itʼs true.

There is a saying, you know, one plus one makes one in a relationship with one person plus one person makes one person, and thatʼs a grand romantic concept. But again, itʼs only myth. Itʼs not real. One plus one makes three and this is my addition, and this is my math, the new math of relationships. One person plus one person means you have two people and it also creates a third entity which is this relationship thing when they come together. But you should still be separate individual, whole and secure people.

If you come in not whole, youʼre going to have a lot of issues and insecurities that are going to come up within the relationship. And you donʼt want have to work them out that way. But do you know what? They can also work for you too.

So there you go. Can you be certain or comfortable in the uncertainty of relationships because all relationships are uncertain. Donʼt think they are saving grace. Donʼt think that they are going to be the life boat to save you from your own problems or your own insecurities, or your own issues in life. They wonʼt do it.


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www.CarlosXuma.com So discovering your needs. Choosing well, I want to cover this again. Iʼm going to cover one of the bonuses on this program. But for now, letʼs talk about how to choose a woman well and this is a big topic, let me tell you. First of all, screen for a good mother material. What do I mean by that? You want to screen first the person, the woman that will be a good mother to your children because ultimately thatʼs what she could be. Trust me, man. All takes is one broken river, one forgotten pill, and youʼre a dad.

Now, if that could happen so easily, and it can, it can happen way easily, especially if she works to engineer that situation, and believe me, that happen, too, youʼve got to be willing to live with the repercussions. Is this the woman that you would want to have as the mother of your children? Seriously ask yourself that question because thatʼs the most important relationship that any child has is with his mother or her mother and not to put down what dads do, believe me, but itʼs there, it is a very distinct relationship.

So what do you screen for? She should be a nurturer. These are concrete things, by the way, so you should be writing these down. These are things you need to look for. The woman that you chose in your life, these are must-haves. They are non-negotiables. •

She should be a nurturer, a nurturing personality.

•

She has to have good communications skills. Sheʼs got to be able to tell you whatʼs going on in her life. Not keep it to some cryptic, enigmatic, weird thing thatʼs going on only in her head and not be


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www.CarlosXuma.com able to get it over to you so that you can help her with it. Sheʼs got to be able to communicate with you. Without communications, you will not be able to handle a relationship. •

She has goals. She has a clear idea of the future, at least some idea where sheʼs going on life. If sheʼs completely floating out there with no idea, itʼs going to be tough. Youʼre going to find that she could fall onto anything. And as long as you provide that direction, this is only one thatʼs could be overcome, by the way, if you provide that direction, and itʼs what she genuinely wants, not because sheʼs just following along. If she wants to go along with it, thatʼs great. And you can provide her those goals and a path. Iʼve seen a lot of guys do it.

•

She should be responsible. If you were to go away for a week and you came back, and letʼs just say she did have your child, Iʼm getting way out in the future here. This is maybe way more commitment than you are willing to make at this point, but letʼs just say it because itʼs important to understand. We are screening for a good mother material after all. Is she going to be a responsible? And then you are going to come back and find the house a wreck. Is she cleaning? Is she keeping up with things? Is she a responsible person? Can she handle the necessary day-to-day responsibilities of living? Or is she just another whacked-out teenager in a womanʼs body? Because trust me, there are a lot of women like this, too, a lot of women. Just as many men, just as many women have failed to grow up as anybody else. So this is another key criteria, itʼs the responsibility level that she has. Youʼve got to be able to trust her on


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www.CarlosXuma.com a certain level to be responsible for herself, for you, for her child. Can you see how this goes? •

Is she cool under stress or does she freaks out? Does she lose it? Does she have her own level of emotional control and ability to talk herself down and cope? Thatʼs what really this comes down to, can she cope, or is she going to be one of those whacked-out women that look for relief and just about every other thing in her life? Is she going to look for her sanity in something else, or is she got to find it within herself? Itʼs pretty important.

•

And above all, is she loyal? Does she stick with you? Does she follow through on what she says? Does she have character? I mean thatʼs another part of this. Loyalty and her character. Loyalty is what youʼre looking for because you donʼt want a woman thatʼs going to bale or jump ship at the first opportunity. Sheʼs got to be loyal to you.

So, that are some of the key criteria that youʼre looking for when youʼre screening for good mother material.

Attracting the right kind woman up front, thatʼs what itʼs all about. Save yourself months and years, time and energy by avoiding the poisonous woman that are out there, and trust me, there are a lot of them. Iʼm going to tell you about specific ones you needed to avoid, the specific poison women you need to avoid.


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www.CarlosXuma.com All relationship problems and breakups stem from choosing a wrong woman at the start. Let me say that again, pretty much all relationships, and again, remember all means most, all relationship problems and breakups stem from choosing the wrong woman at the start, from choosing poorly. Thatʼs why itʼs so important to get this criteria down pat now while you still can while your mind is clear before those beautiful boobies and nice jiggly ass get you all caught up in it. You start having sex, the chemical starts getting released and youʼre thinking is distorted. Thatʼs right, you will be brainwashed by that thing. It happens.

Here are some bad mom indicators. Weʼve talked about the good mother material. Here are some bad indicators to watch out for. • Is she self-destructive? • Is she a party girl or she just canʼt seem to control herself and she

winds up with her head face down in the toilet half the time. This is a kind of a younger thing, but this criteria, you can see it later on in life too. • If she doesnʼt have good self-preservation mechanism, you canʼt

control that and then youʼre going to have tough time with kids. Maybe she doesnʼt want kids or she tries to hide the fact that she does or doesnʼt want kids, and youʼve got to look at that. Some women will hide the fact, by the way, because theyʼre embarrassed about it. Itʼs a common known thing that women want kids. Most women want kids, and she might be afraid that that fact will scare you off, so she may hide it. Beware of that. But if she doesnʼt want kids, that is kind of a bad mom indicator. © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com • If itʼs a real indication that she doesnʼt want kids and sheʼs not young

and sheʼs not in her teens or early 20s or any of that and sheʼs getting a little bit up there and she still doesnʼt want kids, well, I mean you can ask yourself that question, do I want kids? Maybe I donʼt. Maybe I do want a woman that doesnʼt want kids. In which case that becomes okay. But for the most part, most women want kids, so if she doesnʼt, youʼve got to ask yourself why. • Sheʼs a gold-digger. Sheʼs materialistic. This is a bad, Bob. If sheʼs

a goal-digger and she is purely into materialism, thatʼs going to be a bad indicator and bodes poorly for your relationship. • Is she selfish? You canʼt have that. Sorry, my friend. In women, itʼs

particularly destructive to a relationship because a womanʼs nature is to nurture. And if she doesnʼt have that nature and she only nurtures herself, sheʼs selfish. And what do you think sheʼs going to do for you? Do you think sheʼs going to be asking you if you want a massage or if sheʼs going to dote on you? If she just going to give you attention that you need or your kids? • Is she obsessed with youth and vanity? I see this on a lot in women.

Have you ever seen those older women who are dressing way too young? Theyʼre obsessed with their youth and vanity thinking that their appearance is all theyʼve got. I mean appearance is really important, but women, donʼt get me wrong on that. I think sometimes itʼs actually, we talk it down but theyʼre really is important. At the same time, obsessing with it, not a good sign.


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www.CarlosXuma.com • Sheʼs not a nurturer or impatient and poorly tempered. I talked

about this actually before. The overall nurturing aspect you want to have, but you can also tell when sheʼs not a nurturer. But if she is impatient and doesnʼt have a good temper, thatʼs something to watch out for. I wouldnʼt want her on my kids. Maybe sheʼs neurotic. She is a perfectionist or critical. Not good again. Sheʼs going to be picking at you. Sheʼs going to drive you crazy. Sheʼs going to be a nagger. Sheʼs going to drive your nuts. Just bad indicators over all and imagine what the kids are going to turn out like after that. • Violent tendencies. Youʼre going to see this in women too. Women

do have violent tendencies of their own. It just comes out in some very sneaky and passive ways at times. Women socially are cultured to be non-confrontational, non-violent, but they do have the ability to be violent. Why do you think women get off and watching men fight in the ring? Thatʼs just as much a turn on for women as anything else. They kind of like carelessly live through that kind of conflict. So if she has an overly violent tendency. Watch out. You could be looking at a possible woman that either is going to start spousal abuse or God knows what else because it really gets complicated after that point. You donʼt know how her anger and violence will come out.

So there you go. Those are some of the bad mom indicators to watch out for, the bad ones, THE BAD. And if you see any of these, take a good close hard look at it and see it for what it is.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Again, what Iʼm trying to do is give you some power of your intelligent mind to control the rest of your mind, the emotional part, before itʼs too late. Because once that emotional mind kicks in and you become reluctant to let her go, things get really, really disturbing.

We will be in the next section. Weʼre going to talk about Compatibility Elements, what you really need to look for in a woman and the process of screening her so that you can choose her well.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Compatibility Elements

Now, letʼs talk about compatibility elements. These are the elements that are really important in a relationship and we are often disillusioned about what they really are. I think a lot of guys have a problem understanding whatʼs real compatibility is in a relationship, even women really struggle with this one. Real compatibility is often very different than what we tend to think of when we think of being compatible with another person.

Overall, the concept is sound. Being compatible means youʼre with the person, what real compatibility is anyway is being with the right person for you thatʼs going to compliment you in the right way, so that you donʼt have constant struggle and strife because what weʼre talking about is no drama. We as guys donʼt want constant drama, constant argument, bickering and fighting, all that BS that makes relationships a pain in the ass to keep that makes you want to go into a new one or get out of the one youʼre in.

Well, hereʼs what you must have in terms of compatibility. I talked about some of these before but these are slightly different.

Nurturer

First of all, the nurturer, that one has got come up again and again and again. If a woman who is not a nurturing personality type, youʼre going to have problems. Youʼre going to have a lot of problems, and the primary reason is that it is such an important part of essential femininity that without it, sheʼs not truly a woman in a lot of ways. So she has got to be a nurturer. She must have this.

She should listen to you. In other words, hear what youʼre saying. Listen to you not through you, not so that you feel like when sheʼs listening, sheʼs waiting for her chance to speak. Listening to you is something that is really © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com important. She has to take in what you are saying, process it, feed it back to you in a way that makes you believe that yes, she is really hearing you, and you needed to do the same thing for her, by the way. This should be tops on her list, and it is for almost single woman, and thatʼs how we define listening. It is that the other person actually takes in what we say, processes it and thinks about it, and then has the intelligence to be able to feed it back to us so that we know they got it. They got us. She should get you and by “getting,” what I mean is that she understands you on a fundamental level. She knows your personality quirks, and she works with them not against them.

A woman who gets you knows how to compliment the parts of you that are not like her, so she understands the way you are about things. Maybe you are the kind of guy, who has, and every guy does, we all have these peculiarities. Like on a shelf on a garage, you want everything lined-up neatly with your motor oil next to your coolant, next to your windshield wiper fluid, next to your cleaning products, and you want them in that order, and thatʼs like your one little weird thing, and maybe she gets that and she understands it and she doesnʼt fight it. She doesnʼt make a big deal out of it. She doesnʼt whine, complain and nag, “Oh, why do you have to have it that way?” She doesnʼt do that. She gets you and she works with it. Do you see how important that is? Sheʼs not in need of exerting her own personality. She does not have to prove herself in a relationship. She is just accommodating the way you are, and you should be able to do it again the same thing for her.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Relatively Secure

I have to think long and hard with how I want to phrase that. I was just going to say security, it would not happen. Women by nature are not secure people. Men need to be, women do not need to be. It is just not in their make up. They are so emotional. They are sometimes conflicting internally that true security in a woman is very often hard to find, at least not by our definition. Their definition probably differs slightly. So what we see as security, feeling secure about herself, you are never going to get that in any great amount in a woman, and you have to be willing to understand that pretty much for the life of the relationship, you are going to have to be strong enough for the two of you.

Thatʼs right. That is a job of a man. Our responsibility is to be strong enough for her and ourselves. We keep it together. We keep things just whole as far as relationship is concerned, and we also keep up the other personʼs confidence. So your confidence also has to be strong enough for both of you.

Self-Aware

Self-aware is another big important capability and definitely a compatibility element because being aware of yourself and knowing how you are, what your own weaknesses are, and being willing to admit them is such an important thing. Most people go through life trying to cover up their weaknesses, trying to pretend they are not there, trying to make sure you do not see them, and whenever they do get bumped into you by mistake, they are kind of like walking through a dark room and stabbing your toe, do you know what happens? There is a lot of screaming.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Well, same thing happens when you run into or stab your toe on the way another person is when they are not willing to admit it. That is where you run into really strong defense mechanisms, and those defense mechanisms will keep you from true intimacy, again, using one of those New Agey terms, but it will keep you from true connection with her overall.

What you must not have in terms of compatibility. You need a minimum of anxiety. In other words, you want a woman that is relaxed. I am trying to state this in positive terms, but the reality is that you do not want a woman that has a lot of anxiety. That is just going to cost you much more problems than you need. Women are by nature much more emotionally complex, as if you didnʼt know that one. They are much more complex in terms of their emotional life, but the anxiety that is related to that life shows that she has not quite come to grips with her own nature. She does not understand her own emotional nature, and she has not figure out coping mechanisms to deal with it. That is what anxiety indicates really, and youʼve got to watch out for it because it will creep up and take you in the ass on a regular basis in a relationship. Her anxiety will cost you anxiety and pain and ulcers and stress.

Anger

You cannot afford to have a woman that is angered all the time. She is angry about this, about that. You see, women have their own compensations. Men have a way of kind of demonstrating our anger and our frustrations and our weaknesses as men. They come out in terms of sometimes violence, sometimes just anger in our explosive tempers and our inability to control our emotions. We learn as we mature how to control that.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Women, on the other hand, they take their anger and they subvert it, and they do whatʼs known as sublimate, they turn it into something else. Maybe her anger turns into an inability to have an orgasm, or the necessity of picking on you, or nagging on you, or doing these weird things. It will come out, so watch out for the anger.

The types of women that you can run into out there, and this is just another subset, and I am going to talk about it actually in a separate part of this program, in the bonus, I will talk about the specific types of women that you will run into in relationships and what to do about them and how to manage them.

•

But the types of woman that you are going to find, you are going to find: • A marriage chick. She wants to get married. She is on the path to get married. That is her big thing ever since she has been four or five years old, she has been subscribing to Bride Magazine and is waiting, salivating to have her big wedding. • The contentious chick, she wants to fight with you over everything. Everything is a struggle with her. You are going to hate life with her. • There is the fragile chick. She is the one that is just a mess when you say the slightest thing, “What do you mean by that? Do you mean my lips are fat? But you like kissing me, but my lips?” She is a freak. • Now, there is vanity chick. She is into nothing but herself and her appearance and she does everything to maintain it. Itʼs another scary one. • She is a drag chick. This is the girl that is always a downer. It is like dating Eeyore. Itʼs kind of like, “Oh, oh, oh, everything is a downer. Everything is a drag.” Trust me, sheʼs not a fun person to be around. • The taking selfish chick. All she does is take, take, take, take, take, me, me, me, me. Watch out for her.


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www.CarlosXuma.com • The dull flat line chick. This is the woman that is kind of like, “Yeah, Hmm.” She is dull. She does not say much. She does not talk much. She does not emote for some reason. For all the women in the world, she seems to be less emotionally capable than a man. Watch out for her. • And last but not the least, the anxious-crazy chick. This is the one that, Oh, oh!” She is ready to freak out at a drop of a hat. She is just waiting for you to say the wrong thing to open her big bag 64ounce big old sack of crazy. She is just dying to unload it.

Now, these are the main types of woman you should definitely avoid, or at least be very aware of. Marriage chick you can get by with. If you can cut through the BS, you can often find a real woman in there that will kind of show you what she is all about, but be aware of what is her primary focus. With contentious chick, again, it is a struggle. And all these women can be compensated for, but again, why do you have to? Why not choose well up front so you do not have to deal with this kind of crap.

Red flags to watch out for

Oh, I got a lot of them. You are going to love this list. We are going to talk about red flags. • First of all lying or dishonest. If she is a liar or she is dishonest with you, be very careful. These are warning signals, by the way. They are not immediate write offs, but they are signals that you should be paying attention to. Do not let them sneak up on you and bite you on the ass because they are telling you something, and after you have broken up with her and youʼve figured out, “Oh, that was a signal,” you are going to wish you should listen to Carlos. • The ex is still around when it is not necessary for him to be around. If sheʼs out of a marriage and had kids, well, yeah, she is got to have to deal with him and you are going to deal with her dealing with him,


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www.CarlosXuma.com and you are going to have to deal with him. There is a little complicated, little triangle you are going to have to deal with when you think about nailing one of those males out there. So if the ex is still around when it is not really necessary for him to be, there isnʼt kids in the picture, ask yourself why he is still around.

• You are not the center of her attention and you are not a priority. This is important. You need to be a priority in her life. A woman needs to make you her priority. If she does not now, she never will. And my friend, you are going to hate that wife.

• She hates your friends or you hate her friends. If you hate her friends, it is going to be a tough road. Really, it will be a tough road. If you do not get along with them, they are going to make it difficult for you too.

• She is too focused on you. This is the opposite of the one over here where you are not the center of her attention, well, now she is too focused on you. She is obsessive. She is jealous. You know this chick. Freaky, scary stalker chick.

• Here is another red flag. The pacing is you are too fast or way too slow. You too need to match up on your pacing for the relationship. If she is slowing you down all the time, constantly putting off sex or if she is accelerating it, yes, there are a lot of woman that try to sleep with you faster than you may want to sleep with her, which by the way, makes it harder for you to form a relationship with her, there is a natural flow to these things that you have to obey. And believe me, one-night stand is not necessarily the way to go. It is more difficult because it works against our natural pacing. You get no chance to have an emotional connection, but if the pacing is too fast or to slow, look at that as being a red flag.


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www.CarlosXuma.com • If she is abusive in anyway, sexual, mental, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, anyone of those four ways, specially with those four, any kind of abuse that you determine is in the mix, watch out it. It does not get better. • Frequent problems communicating and understanding. She does not have the ability to communicate with you very well, and she is also does not demonstrate a good capability of understanding what youʼre going through or seeing from your perspective, or understanding you in anyway. That is a red flag. • Controlling behavior. She tries to control you. She tries to control your life. She tries to control in anyway is, generally speaking, a bad thing. Some control, yes, a lot of control, no, especially if it is out of proportion or out of timing. • Overly dependent behavior. This is where she really seems to need you. You know what I mean. Need you, like to lean on you 110% of the time, itʼs not good. It will eventually graduate into stalker-type behavior, but over the long haul, you will find it tiring, exhausting and you are not going to maintain a relationship this way. • Drug or alcohol abuse. Again, it is abuse of another kind. It is selfabuse. Watch out for it. • Anger issues. She is pissed, pissed about something, pissed about everything. It does not matter, but if she has anger issues, or if she lashes out in anger, itʼs another red flag. • Criminal activity. She shoplifts. She is an embezzler. She is doing naughty things at work that are against the law, anything, again, against the law. • She has mental illness of any kind. This is could be bipolar depression, binge behavior. Itʼs two extremes, of course, we all binge on occasion. Like you find a food you like a lot, but when you really binge, you know it. Maybe she plays mind games, or she is frequently hot and cold. These are areas of mental illness that you need to watch out for.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Again, I think that every single person on this planet has a little bit of mental illness, and there is a saying when you study social work or psychology or any of that stuff having to do with mental health that when you look at the DSM IV, which is this big fat book of all the possible things that can be wrong with you mentally, everybody find something in there and you start to worry, “Oh my God, I do that. I must be OCD. Oh my God, I do that. I must be paranoid.” The reality is that we all have a little bit of these things. It is when it hampers our ability to cope with life that it becomes an illness. So if it is a sickness, it is one thing. If it is just an occasional thing you do, it is not so bad. But look at them with a cautious eye with women. There are a lot of woman with real mental issues out there.

I think this is the compensation that women have for the way man are. In other words, men tend to be a little bit more physically violent, a little bit more physically aggressive and just, “Grrr.”

Women internalize their issues and it becomes mental illness for them, and this is why I really feel that men have to be especially careful when selecting women is the way they internalize and manage their issues. • Extreme detachment is a red flag as well. If she is extremely

detached from you or life or just things in general especially you, watch out. Her detachment is a coping mechanism. Itʼs a defense mechanism and it will prevent you from connecting. You are doing all the work. Are you the one doing all the work in this relationship? If it feels that way, there is a good chance that it could be actually real, which means there is no investment from her. That is a red flag. • Watch how she treats other people. You can tell anything about any

person by how they treat people. They do not need to treat well. Like I always used to look at the people in high school and see how they treated the janitor. Now, it may seem kind of funny because the janitor was usually they are kind of the old man or they are


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www.CarlosXuma.com • kind of “Huh?” Or they are total stoner dude who cannot get any job.

You think of all these different things when you think of the janitor, but the reality is that whatever you may judge him to be, he is still a human being. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they choose to treat that person. Do they make a fun of them or do they try and connect with them on some level, even though they may not be on the same level. Itʼs really important to see this. You will see it especially in restaurants. Watch how a woman treats the wait staff because she is watching how you do. • Sexual issues and incompatibilities. Sexual incompatibilities, in

specific, of course, this is a red flag. Sexual issues are something you must watch out for. This will eventually sabotage your relationship because even up front you think you are going to have this wonderful, emotional connection. Your great white light of love, but when it comes right down to it, you are going to bump all of this. You are going to get it on. You are going to hit that thing, and if you cannot do that with the clear conscience and a minimum of issues where you two can get in to it and enjoy it, it is going to be hard down the road. • Is she super selfish and really focused on herself? Again, a red flag. • Is she a blamer, or she constantly shifts the responsibility? There

are a lot of women that are very good at this. They will make you believe that it is your fault. She could take a gun out, shoot the person next door, and then proceed and make you think it was your fault she did that. I am not kidding you. They are incredibly clever, and they will mess with your brain. Watch out for her. • I called them the head gamers, and I really did make them a part of

this list, but you know what I mean, that is another red flag, head gaming. • No female friends or no friends at all. You should be able to see a pattern of balance in her life. She should have some male friends, a

lot of female friends. If itʼs just the other way, interesting. If it shifts way one way, or she only has one gender, that is an issue.


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www.CarlosXuma.com • Gold digging. Enough said there, thatʼs the red flag right off the bat because sheʼs only into you for your money. Are you going to accept that as the terms of love? I do not think so, dude. That is not real emotion. That is self-preservation. • Money issues, how does she handle her money? Is she a spender? Is she in a lot of debt? Does she have poor control over her spending? This is a red flag, and you have to realize that this is an especially important one because money issues are the number one reason, or at least quoted as the number one reason, for break ups and for a conflict within relationships. • Number one, does she have a pattern of cheating, or a pattern of disloyal behavior, a red flag. • Is she always trading up? In other words, is she always having a lot of short-term relationships, but nothing that really pans out for long, like maybe longer than a year? There is an issue there. Again, patterns people demonstrate tell us all about them. • Do your family or friends disapprove of this woman or girl, or have any reservations about her? Wow! This is a big one because when we get caught up in that emotional high, that crack pipe, we light it up, “Oh God, I am so attracted to her. She is so hot. She is everything I want and we have fantastic sex.” And what happens, yes, your rational thinking goes right out the window when your family sees things that you canʼt because they are not as emotionally involved with her. They will just get the ride, and you know what? Most of the time, theyʼre absolutely freaking right.

So watch out for those. Those are red flags. I gave you a ton of them there that you should watch out for, and those are important ones. Those are probably the most important ones. Itʼs not to say there arenʼt more that will come up, but those are the big ones to watch out for. So we talked about the compatibility elements on which you must not have to finish this compatibility area. Do not even entertain a


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www.CarlosXuma.com relationship with a woman that does not understand gender reality with the things that I teach you, that men are men and women are women, and that is why we are attracted to each other. If she is too busy trying to be a man, trying to take on the role of the leader, trying to live up to this new feminist ideal, trust me, you are in for a world of hurt there. You are going to be in pain for a long time.

She has to understand that men should be men, and that is if, of course, you can be a man, and Iʼm assuming you can. Most guys out there today canʼt, so this is what is happening, we see man that are way over here in the masculine spectrum and the women over here in the feminine spectrum are starting to come together and they are starting to change places. So now women are trying to be men, men are trying to be women and this is how we are coming together and the polarity is too close. It is almost as in neutral. They are not attracted. They are not really attracted as if they were on the right ends of the spectrum. Believe me, that is an analogy that you will come to know and understand well in your search for a real good woman. Every woman has some bad qualities. Every woman does, but the trick is to decide how much is too much. How much is too much for you. This is that critical thinking aspect I talked about. When you know what is going to be enough for you and what you can take and what you cannot take, you are going to know when you are going to say, “Bye-bye. I am done. I am over. This is done. I cannot do this anymore.” You will have a criterion for leaving and you should always have that criterion, by the way.

You should always have a point to find in your mind where you say, “It is too much. I cannot do this. I know this would not work.” I have to flip the switch in my head that says, “I am out of here. Maybe not today, but very soon, I am going to be working on my exit visa, getting my passport stamped, and I am finding a flight out of here.” It is important that you do that because, again, without that criterion in advance when you get caught up in the crack pipe of attraction you are going to be wishing you could see things clearly, especially after the wreckage has shifted through © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com and you find out that what kept you there longer than you had to be was your own emotions.

So those are the incompatibility elements. The screening process is you should go through all these different things. These are exercises for you to do with each woman. • Check her mental health history. Find out if she is in therapy. That

is not a bad sign that she is in therapy, it such a good sign. She is trying to get some kind of clarification in her life, but what is her relationship to that therapy? Is she dependent on it? Is it working for her? Is it not working for her? Why? • What is her relationship history? What is she typically had for

relationships? If she has had only long term relationships? Were he broke up with her? That is actually kind of a dangerous sign because it shows that maybe she is a little clingy, maybe she is a little needy, maybe she is a little bit too much in the relationship. I do not know. These are things you have to figure out with your critical thinking as you look at her relationship history. • What is her relationship to her family, especially her mother?

Especially her mother, you are going to see so much about her personality come out because women do tend to turn out like their moms, at least in most cases. Thankfully my girlfriend does not have that problem, which by the way, I have been with her for several years now. So again, if you are wondering whether or not Carlos himself can hold down a relationship, yes I can. The longest relationship I had is about five years, of which the last year is debatable as to whether itʼs relationship at that point, but I have had really upwards of a year to five years, and beyond that at this point in this as far as I am concerned. • Patterns of previous boyfriends. Find out what the character and

type of guy that she is normally attracted to is. Find that out, and why it ended, who ended it, and why? Find out who ended the relationships. Find out what her pattern is with other guys.


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www.CarlosXuma.com " "

This is a real important one, because it will tell you all about her taste in men, and what her patterns are with relationships. • Again, how does she treat other people? Watch how she treats

other people because that will tell you how you are going to get treated in the long run. • How does she treat herself? Itʼs really important here. I think that

there is a real strong correlation with how a woman treats herself in her overall level of self-esteem and self-confidence and just her selfimage. If she treats herself well, that means she values herself which shows good positive mental health, self-confidence, and her own self-esteem is good and strong, whereas if she treats herself poorly, think about how is that going to translate into a family? Is she going to treat your kids like that, I hope not.

So weʼve talked about the various aspects of starting a relationship in terms of decision criteria. Now, I want to get into a few of the side aspects before we get into the real meat here, which Iʼm sure youʼre dying to find out, itʼs how to start this things up? How do you start up a lasting relationship with a woman?

Long Distance Relationships

Well, first of all, letʼs talk a little bit of about long distance relationships because a lot of guys have some misperceptions about this, and they are important ones to get clear. The truth is that long distant relationships are a kind of false of intimacy, and I can tell you this from experience. Iʼve had long distant relationships, and Iʼve actually relocated over a thousand miles


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www.CarlosXuma.com for a relationship. It did not work out, primarily because I did it from a wrong decision.

When youʼre in a long distance relationship, I have to say your thinking is distorted because you canʼt see the person. So you fabricate intimacy and emotions that do not yet exist. Itʼs almost like an accelerant because you canʼt have this person, you canʼt see them, and both of you have become locked into the imagination of what it would be like. So you create a pattern of relationship in your head, not a real relationship. So itʼs not real, itʼs not a real relationship. Itʼs never a real relationship until you can actually be with that person and experience them in person because they going to seem perfect to you. A thousand, two thousand, ten thousand miles away, theyʼre going to seem like the best person in the planet for you because you canʼt have them and because you canʼt see all the negative stuff youʼll be experiencing when youʼre with them.

Trust me, it does not matter, you are creating a glossy superficial image of that person, not the actuality. So the truth is that most long distance relationships are built on false intimacy.

Now, there really are two choices to this. Iʼm going to talk about it in a second here, but there are a lot of guys out there that fall into this situation because they are shopping for a wife that is probably not American, maybe an overseas bride or some kind, which Iʼm not going to say as bad necessarily. Itʼs just depending on the reasons for you doing it. I


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www.CarlosXuma.com personally have found that, on the whole, American women are very different than a lot of women around the world. Most countries out there where women really do understand who they should be to satisfy and please a man, not just to be supplicating, not just to be passive, no, they have a certain role they understand works with men.

These women are what they called the, “Alpha Women.” They understand their femininity and they know how to make it work with a man. So if youʼre shopping for a wife out there, a non-American wife, I hardly encourage it actually, but when youʼre doing it overseas, youʼre going to find some difficulties here and thatʼs because, again, it creates a false sense of intimacy. You have to be with that person for a long period of time to really know that they are there for you. So how do you actually do it? How do you make a long distance relationship work? Well, first of all, you have to have regular physical presence. You still have to see this person regularly and spend time with them with longer periods of time. The longer you can spend with that person, the more you are going to see, the more you are going to understand, “Oh, this really is a real person. Iʼm kind of creating an ideal image in my head when sheʼs not around, and Iʼm pretending and making myself fall in love with the person that I really donʼt have any experience with.” Thatʼs the realization you come to, so you have to have regular physical presence with that person. You must be with her in person, whether itʼs vacation you spend together for a long period of time, you have to have an extended period of time together. There is no way around it.


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www.CarlosXuma.com You have to have regular communications. This is deep communication, and that means using the phone a lot. Because email is so one way, you have to have that chemistry of talking with the person on the phone, and this does sound like a small thing, but don’t do it over cell phones. There is small delay that’s introduced in communication over the cell phone that I’ve noticed, and I’ve also noticed that it leads to a kind of weird chemistry where you never know when the other person is actually talking. Sometimes you’ll start talking and that person starts talking, and then you go back and forth with it, “No, you talk.” “No, you talk.” It’s because of that delay in the communication, and it actually throws off the conversation quite a bit and it actually magnifies when you’re talking to a woman. So talk with a woman on a landline and insist that she’s also in a landline and you have the concentrated time to really talk with her. It sounds like a small thing, but it’s actually a big thing because you pick up a lot on chemistry.

Eventually you have to have a plan for getting together to see if it’s going to work. One of you is going to have to relocate, one of you is going to have to take the big plunge and come together. I don’t know another way to say it, whether it’s the Beatles version or the Aerosmith version, you’ve got to come together right now. It’s going to tell you whether or not it’s for real or if it’s a fake. If it’s imaginary intimacy, then you are going to need to figure it out, but it’s going to happen. If you rely on staying


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www.CarlosXuma.com on a long-term relationship, you’re just mentally masturbating. It’s going to have a long hard road ahead of it.

So thatʼs all Iʼm going to say on long distance relationship because, overall, I donʼt recommend them. I really donʼt recommend that you spend any time on a long distant relationship. If anything, long distance must turn into short distance right away. Long distance relationships, on the whole, do not last and are built on the false intimacy, the false knowledge of the other person, and they are not as likely to succeed. So again, they can succeed but theyʼre going to take a lot more work, and you have to recognize what you want to gamble on, the two-to-one odds or the one thatʼs ten thousand to one. Whatʼs more important?

Myths of Love and Relationships

What are the myths of love and relationships? This is an important section. Iʼm going to do some more disillusioning here, so that you would get the right idea as we go into the important parts of the program. What are the myths of love and relationships? •

Well, one of the myths is, “Love conquers all.” Do you hear that one a lot? Iʼm sure you have. Love does not conquer all. Love make it seems like you can conquer all because youʼre so blinded from the crack pipe. Iʼm using the crack pipe a lot because you really have to understand what a distorting impression that gives to you. So love conquers all is another myth. Youʼve got to watch out for that one.


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It doesnʼt conquer all. Sometimes you can be in love with the

"

person, but you just canʼt be with that person, and thatʼs an

"

important recognition to have and realization to have. •

“To leave her better than you found her” is another one of those myths that I talked about earlier on the program. It was at one of my seminars when he came up with that one and I was like, “Dude, thatʼs not up to you. You can try to do that as best you can. You can have that positive influence on her, but overall, leaving her better than you found her can often lead you to being over-invested in something you canʼt control. Is she invested and being better than when you found her? She has to be as just as invested as you. And if sheʼs not? Youʼre going to fail with this, and it wonʼt even be your fault.

•

“Love is forever.” Love is not forever, not necessarily, and if you want thing forever, it being eternity, then definitely it isnʼt because weʼve all got to go sometime. So there is only one type of relationship that last forever and thatʼs the one that you eventually die in, like a long term marriage or something like that. Thatʼs it, and even then it ends, so every relationship comes to an end in some form or another. So forget about the forever aspect. Just focus on the quality today and perpetuating that quality day after day after day. Thatʼs it. Thatʼs really how relationship is all about.

•

You need to talk about relationships. Itʼs another one of those common misperceptions. The fact is the more you analyze and talk about the relationship, the worst the relationship probably is.


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The thing Iʼve noticed about relationship is the more that you feel like

"

you have to analyze and talk about the relationship like itʼs a third

"

party entity and you have to analyze it and take it apart, “Our "

needs to be worked out. Letʼs work on our relationship.” The "more you have to focus on as being separate from you, the "worse it generally is. If youʼre doing it right, she wonʼt need to "

talk about it other than the

“where is this going.” This is the flip " side of this. If the relationship is working right, sheʼs not need " going to talk about it other than her usual “so where is this " going? Where is this leading? Whatʼs going on?” Because "

itʼs " good in the present, she wants to continue it and know

that is "

going to continue. The woman focus is on a safe secure

l"

long-" term connection with a partner that can ensure her

"

survival. I know itʼs not very romantic, is it? •

Beware talking about the relationship as a separate entity from you and her. Again, this goes back to what I said before. If youʼre talking about the relationship as if itʼs a separate thing thatʼs not you and her together as a relationship, well, thatʼs dangerous territory, youʼve got to watch out for that.

•

Relationships require a lot of work. Itʼs is one of those myths out there. Well, they do require work, but the only work is to overcome the limiting parts of your own personality that are keeping you from connecting with hers. Let me say that again, the only work is to overcome the limiting parts of your own personality that are keeping you from connecting to her, because thatʼs what is happening with her too. She has got to overcome herself to get through to you and connect with you. Itʼs getting past our walls of ego and dysfunction,


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www.CarlosXuma.com so that we can properly connect with another person. Or recognizing that even though you think you want a relationship, youʼre just insecure. We do this all the time. Human beings do this all the time. We fall back in our relationships as a way to cure our problems, to solve ourselves. Weʼre just insecure and we figure relationship will help that, wonʼt it? Sometimes yes, most times no.

So those are some of the myths I wanted to debunk for you. I hope that isnʼt too much of a shock. Thereʼs a lot more and there are going to be more to come up here on the course of this program, but those are the important ones.

Starting Up a Relationship

Letʼs talk now about how you start up a relationship. Well, the assumption is that there is attraction. I have to come into this program with you under the assumption that you have built some level of attraction with a woman. Once youʼve done that, we can now move on, we can now move forward. But if you havenʼt built attraction, we are nowhere near talking about a relationship. Youʼve got to have attraction to start a relationship. It has to be there. There has to be this genuine desire to be with the other person. She has to want you and it has to be some degree sexual. One-itis is an important thing to watch out for because when you start up a relationship, youʼre going to be tempted to fall into one-itis.


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www.CarlosXuma.com One-itis is that unhealthy focus we have on one woman and it will bite you on the ass because youʼre not going to be able to really maintain a level of separation you need to from the woman to get a relationship started. Oneitis is in direct conflict with starting a relationship. As much as guys donʼt seemed to get that, I have to repeat it. One-itis, the focus on one woman is being the only for you is going to get in your way of actually getting her for that relationship.

We just donʼt meet many women is really where it comes from. We just arenʼt meeting many women, so you figure this has to be the one woman. Itʼs unhealthy and itʼs created by the fact that youʼre just not meeting other women. You become reliant on the one that you do get.

We idealize women based on superficial knowledge. Thatʼs really where one-itis come from. Itʼs an idealization of women based on just a little bit of knowledge about them, not an in-depth understanding. The best cure for one-itis is what you are going to learn in this program. You are going to learn that women are not all wholesome and pure. They are not as ideal image of femininity. They are great. They are fantastic. They are wonderful creatures, but they are still human beings, and they are also very flawed human beings.

Dispel the obsession by getting in touch with her flaws right away. This is the habit that I brought into my life and brought into my relationships that have served me so well, and I want to pass it onto you.


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www.CarlosXuma.com You can get rid of this one-itis obsession by immediately looking for and finding a few flaws that you can use to really frame her in a realistic way.

For instance, Iʼll start dating a woman and Iʼll find something thatʼs kind a like, “Hmm.” It is not a red flag, itʼs “Hmm.” Thatʼs how I define it. I canʼt try writing that one down. So when I see a “Hmm,” I take a moment to think, “There could be something here. This could be a flaw. This could be something that I would have to deal with for a long time. Am I prepared to do that? Yeah, I can probably do that, but it still something gets me a little bit of concern so Iʼm going to watch it.” Itʼs a little bit of a signal, not a danger signal or an alarm, but a “Hmm.”

Regularly connect with many women, not just this one woman. Connect with many women, even in a friendship basis, because you are going to learn a lot about women in the process, and it allows you to have a frame of reference for the woman that you are focused on so badly. The reality is that anyone woman out there could be the one for you, any woman could be, but itʼs up to you to choose that woman.

We see one woman that we happened to get emotionally involved with, we take a hit from the crack pipe, and she is the one only because our brain chemistry has convinced us of this, and we donʼt have a self control to keep the separation. So it all comes down to emotional self-control. Donʼt jump on the pool when you canʼt see the bottom. That is a little clever witticism for you to use in relationships, “Donʼt jump in that pool until you


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www.CarlosXuma.com could see the bottom.” So emotion self-control is the operative word or words. Thatʼs for one-itis.

How to Transition From Dating to Longer Term Relationship

Hereʼs the transition. This is how you transition from dating to the longer term relationship. How to go from casual dating to relationship? •

The first step is to ensure that there is genuine attraction. Now, by genuine, I mean sexual attraction, real physical attraction, not the, “Oh, heʼll do” kind of attraction because thatʼs kind of a weak attraction. I studied physics and particle physics just as like a hobby. I know itʼs geeky, but there is a thing called the weak attractive force and the strong magnetic force that we can strong forces anyways within sub-atomic particles, and this is just exactly like that. The weak attraction is when a woman thinks, “Heʼll do. Heʼs got enough of the things that I am looking for. Heʼs a nice guy. I could stand being with him.” Thatʼs not attraction, thatʼs just, again, settling. Itʼs better than nothing. Make sure itʼs genuine attraction where youʼre hot and heavy for each other.

•

Get sex. This is important. I donʼt think many guys realize just how important it is. A real relationship with a woman is based on sexual attraction, the need to get down and dirty, to go to the bedroom with each other. Yes, youʼve got it. With that thing you may or may not have had issues about. Getting sex is a vital part of it. Without sex there will be no relationship.


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Physical intimacy is a prerequisite of all relationships. Let me say that again, physical intimacy, Iʼm not necessarily talking about sex, although I would actually prefer to kind a say sex, I think physical intimacy or like strong physical contact, because I know that some peopleʼs beliefs donʼt necessarily condone this. Physical intimacy is a prerequisite of all the relationships you will start. Without it, you donʼt have genuine attraction.

Progressive Milestones In a Relationship

These are important to understand. •

First comes regular dating. This where we should be starting with the conversation right now. This program is built around the fact that you are now regularly dating a woman and you donʼt want to lose her, or you are planning to date a woman long term and you donʼt want to lose her. Regular dating means an emotional connection. You created some kind of emotional connection with her and now you want it keep it going.

•

Then comes, hopefully, some regular sex. Youʼre getting some regular sexual, either intercourse or physical intimacy, and itʼs hard for me to kind of define that because I tended to define it in terms of sex, but it could be a strong make-out session. It could be heavy petting for you guys that just want to hold off.

•

Youʼre committed to future events together. We are going through a progression here of how you will know youʼre starting to move


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www.CarlosXuma.com through a relationship. So the next thing you have to be working for after you start the regular dating is regular sex and it should be enjoyable sex for both of you. Then comes commitment to future events together. In other words, you’re able to say, “You know what? Next month there is this concert coming into town, and remember you said you like the band, so let’s go see them.” You just made a commitment in the future to be with this person and you’re assuming that you’ll have a romantic connection between now and then. That’s a form of commitment. I know I use the C-word. I’m so sorry. •

Then comes somewhere in there meeting her friends. That’s a big step. She’s introducing friends. She doesn’t want to introduce her friends to somebody that’s not going to be around long, so that’s usually a good indicator, and the same thing for you, meeting your friends is another indicator of progression in a relationship spectrum, so you need to make that happen.

•

Another thing that has to happen is meeting her family, meeting your family. There has to be some meeting of people that she’s directly related to. It can start with brothers and sister, uncle and aunts or whoever she’s close to, but eventually it should culminate in her parents if they’re still around. If they are out of town or lived in other state, you still going to work it in there. It maybe more of commitment of time and it may also make this a more significant step in the building of a relationship.

•

Another progressive milestone is traveling together. A real important one here because you’re going to find out a lot about the person without having to live with them. It’s really why traveling together is so important. You’re going to see her © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com habits. Youʼre going to see how she gets ready in the morning. Youʼre going to see how she handles bedtime. Yeah, thereʼs going to be a little bit of gloss of trying to put on your best face for the person, but traveling together brings out the, “Ha, this is trial of what it would be like to live with her for the rest of my life.” •

Then comes more distinct verbal commitments as you start talking about things more intimate details about your relationship together, how committed you are to each other, how you genuinely feel about each other with more sharing and expression of feelings. You are going to make more distinct lifestyle commitments. Maybe she has a toothbrush over your house now, maybe you both share a certain interest in a food or youʼll bring something to her place, sheʼll bring something. Again, there is more a little small lifestyle commitments that make it more apparent that you two are together and sharing a similar life.

•

Then comes the big one, living together. I will talk about this later in the program as to the decisions about this when you want to do it and when you donʼt want to do it, but recognize that it is a significant step in pushing a relationship further.

•

There is stuff in between, but generally coming next would be marriage, children and with most relationships, this is just as fact in life, most relationships just keep going on to auto pilot after about six months to a year. This is how most people approach relationships. These things happen automatically because we just let them happen. We donʼt take any conscious thought into either making them happen or whether they should happen.


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And when they do start to happen, we are starting to fall down on

"

a progressive chain of events that lead us then to a relationship,

"

whether we want to or not. So what Iʼm telling you is rather " than

letting yourself fall in to a relationship after a first few hits on the pipe, youʼve got to go on more rational thinking. You have to take conscious cognitive control because most people go on auto pilot and they just assume itʼs a relationship after a certain period of time, and they donʼt really plan, or do " anything, it just happens to them. You donʼt want a relationship "happening to you. You want to create it. Thatʼs a distinct "

difference between how an Alpha man thinks about this and " how

the average guy does, especially the nice guy.

So those are some of progressive milestones to a relationship. Hereʼs a simple plan and again, I donʼt want to complicate things. I will only give you the essential steps you need to know to do these things. The simple plan for how to start a relationship or how to get into relationship mode is first of all: •

To keep seeing her at least once or twice per week. Once or twice per week. Once per week is the first significant milestone. After that, it becomes more frequent per week, and then it starts to become more established in your head. Youʼre teaching her a pattern of interaction with you and if it goes good, that means the relationship is building. There are going to be natural expectations of commitment if you do this path. If you meet her once or more per week, you are creating a relationship. If you donʼt want the relationship, you need to slow that down. Itʼs very important © 2008 DD Publications/Morpheus Productions, LLC.

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www.CarlosXuma.com because again guys are going to fall into, “Well, I guess I ought to see you again this weekend.” Or you feel like you should and what you unknowingly do is create the pattern in her head that says, “Hey, Iʼve got a relationship with this guy.” And sheʼs going to assume it too, and then you are both going to be in for a world of hurt when one or both of you doesnʼt agree on what this is. •

Keep moving the agenda forward. It should sound obvious but itʼs not always done. In other words, you need to keep moving through those milestones I was talking about. Back here with these progressive milestones, youʼre the one who is in charge of the progression. You make it happen, and then watch. Is she making a few of those steps happening, too? Is she helping them along? Then sheʼs probably into it with you and you should follow along and keep going. If sheʼs not into it or doesnʼt seemed to want to go along in the same track but isnʼt saying no, you still have an issue and you need to get to the root of it. Remember itʼs always in the thing she isnʼt saying that you need to find the truth. Thatʼs where relationship success comes from. Looking beyond the superficial, knowing that women will not confront you, they will not bring something up, and they will actually hold things back to test you, to test your perseverance, to test your willingness to be in a relationship. So keep the agenda moving forward. Remember keep moving forward. If youʼre having sex with her, great. But thatʼs not the end of the relationship you still need to be making progressive steps forward.


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Keep your mouth shut, if you want a relationship to go, this goes back right back to what I said earlier, you do not need to talk about the relationship. It will become a relationship on its own if you start if you start to create it and talk about it like itʼs this thing in the middle of your desk. If itʼs like this glass, and you use this as being the relationship. Letʼs talk about relationship, look how the relationship sloshes back and forth. Itʼs only half full. Is it half full, or is it half empty? If we start talking about the relationship like itʼs an entity, itʼs going to go bad. Donʼt tell her your feelings before she has told you. This is going to meet with some controversy and Iʼm sure more than a few raised eyebrows. Donʼt tell a woman your feelings before she has told you hers. The reason for this is: 1. You want to be somewhat more in control of your emotional

state than the woman because thatʼs the guyʼs role. Itʼs just the way it is. So even you do love her, wait. I guarantee you she will tell you and when she does you will feel better for it. 2. The other reason is that you wonʼt really know if she feels it

unless she tells you she feels it. If you tell her first youʼre going to always wonder if she told you just to not to be uncomfortable to match you, to just say it to not make it weird. Does she really mean it? The only way youʼre going to know if she initiates it. Itʼs better if she is the one thatʼs wondering than you. 3. Donʼt make any future plans in the early stages. In other

words, if you just started dating her, things are going good, donʼt make a lot of future plans, at least, not for very far out.


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www.CarlosXuma.com You can make them a week in advance, but not too many weeks out. The more temporary this feels, the more sheʼs going to feel loose and anticipating whatʼs coming up ahead, and sheʼs not going to feel like sheʼs being jump into, or youʼre being clingy or needy or obsessive, so itʼs very important that it all falls under keep your mouth shut. •

Keep the attraction going. Keep doing the things you are doing before to build the attraction. The exact same things are applicable, with the same romantic gestures, with the same things that you were doing that you are building attraction with, whether it was from the pickup side of it or what, itʼs still there. Keep playing with her palm, and after youʼre done reading it you can now play with it and have fun with her. There is lots of room for playful interaction with a woman. You have to do that. I canʼt emphasize that enough. Primarily complaint from women is that men stop doing what they did to get her into it. Keep building connection and intimacy, so attraction is one aspect, connection, intimacy and rapport, keep working on those. Iʼll talk more about how thatʼs done.

•

Keep her on her toes. This is one that is often overlooked by guys. Constantly challenge her and hold up under testing. So what I mean is you need to challenge her on a regular basis because sheʼs going to be challenging you back. Sheʼs going to be testing you and you need to be able to hold up under that testing. When you can do that, youʼre going to be able to keep her on her toes and youʼre going to be on your toes. This should be a very high alert kind of situation,


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www.CarlosXuma.com not where you are anxious, but you are like there. You feel present. Itʼs really interesting. •

Keep taking the lead. You must have the initiative. You must be the one to keep things moving. Iʼve said this time and time again, you are the leader and you own this relationship. Now, you have to make it happen.

•

Back to alert again, stay alert. Watch her behavior, and watch for deltas. This is really important. Iʼm not telling about a river delta here. Delta, itʼs a triangle in the Greek alphabet. Itʼs a symbol in mathematics, and it means change. The change of one thing is what weʼre looking for here, and youʼre watching for any changes that happen in the context of your relationship. When you see a change, take note of it, watch it and figure out why itʼs changing. Is she becoming more warm to you? Is she becoming more physically affectionate? Or has she started to chill out a little bit, cool off a little bit? Donʼt go getting worried about this like it is the end of the world, but ask yourself, “Ha, I just noticed that. What the hell does that mean?” Track these patterns because this is the one thing that most guys fail to do, and they are always wondering what happened after it happened to them. They donʼt stay alert. They donʼt keep an eye on her behavior. They are just riding along for the fun of it. They donʼt keep an eye off for the changes. If something changes, they donʼt notice it and then they wonder, “What the F…? What happened?” And then theyʼre not seeing patterns and not noticing what they are.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Those are the simple steps to starting a relationship up. Itʼs not complicated. There is no specific one thing you need to do. Itʼs all general. •

Keep seeing her.

•

See her a little bit more frequently than the last time maybe.

•

Keep your agenda moving forward with those milestones.

•

Keep your mouth shut.

•

Keep under control of your emotions. Do not talk about your emotions.

•

Keep the attraction building, so keep doing the fun and energetic stuff. Build a connection intimacy.

•

Keep her aware and on her toes. You keep testing her. I actually am going to you a test by the way that you can use to check her in a relationship and get the right answers that you want, and then stay alert.

Thatʼs it. Itʼs not complicated. I know that it might be a letdown for some of you, but actually it should be very, very relieving. Itʼs not a complicated process. You just keep going, and if she doesnʼt stop you or doesnʼt put on the breaks in any big way, youʼre moving forward. Congratulation, my friend, youʼve just started the relationship.


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www.CarlosXuma.com Now, I know that can be scary, so what we want to do is keep it going without drama, without pain and heartache and weʼre going to talk more about that. •

Let her be the one to declare the relationship, not you. If you do it, youʼre always going to wonder if she really wanted to have a relationship, like if you wanted to commit to being monogamous or whatever it maybe. If she does it, you will know for sure where she stands because sheʼs the one who initiated it. Leave her wondering a little bit. I mean, you donʼt have to answer doubtfully like, “Yeah, sure, I can, you know, just date you. Yeah, yeah, sure.” Donʼt answer like that. Be enthusiastic. Be there with her. Be present, and be like, “Yes, definitely. Thatʼs what I want.” But at the same time, youʼre going to be the one who knows for certain thatʼs what she wants and you need to know that.

•

She will start it. Donʼt worry. With most of the work, sheʼs going to do it. Sheʼs going to do most of the work. Just make sure you know where you want to go first. Make sure you really want this to go into a relationship because sheʼll take you there, whether you want to go or not. A woman will progress naturally with or without you. This is usually predicated with a “whereʼs is this going” talk. In other words, youʼll know a relationship is starting when she starts to talk about, “So where are we? So how do you feel about me? So, what do we got here? So what is this thing?” When she starts doing that, thatʼs the indicator to you that sheʼs starting to get invested in feelings and she wants to check herself before she gets hurt.


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Get her to voice her desires first. Iʼve said again and again, itʼs really important, because if you say it, you become the emotional needy guy. If she says it, sheʼs the woman.

•

Express your interest in terms of being aligned with hers, instead of creating confusion with your own verbalization. What the hell do I mean by that? Actually thatʼs me saying that, “What the hell do I mean by that?” When you express your interest in terms of being aligned with hers, you are just simply saying, “Do you know what? I love to do this with you or that with you,” instead of trying to say, “Do you know what? I have this feeling with you that Iʼd like to take you away to Paris or something like that.” That is actually less connecting to a woman than just expressing how you see yourself fitting into what she already experiences in her life.

•

Show how you feel like you could fit it to that picture and the bigger picture unfolds. Itʼs just another way of handling that aspect of “where is this going.” You donʼt have to say, “Well, I see us moving to France and being together forever, or I see us living backpacking through Europe together.” Those are great things to talk about on occasion, but really when you can find a place to insert yourself in what she already experiences and describe it to her in a way that shows that her life is now somehow incomplete right now without you in that picture, that actually magnifies attraction and starts the relationship faster because she canʼt wait to have that with you. Itʼs what she already has. Now, itʼs suddenly, “Oh, itʼs not enough because youʼre not there.” Youʼre not in that picture. What was once enjoyable is now more lonely to her. I know it sounds like a


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www.CarlosXuma.com horrible way to do it, but honestly thatʼs what she wants. Thatʼs the way she wants to perceive it. Itʼs actually not horrible. Itʼs actually a good thing.

Last thing weʼre going to talk about in the starting up phase is the whole topic of MILFs, mothers I like to have fun with. Really this is a term you can use for any woman that has kids that you can get involved with. You keep that in mind. •

That any woman who has kids that you get involved with, itʼs going to be a null situation because itʼs not just you, itʼs her kids. Recognize that this woman has a priority of her kids. You are secondary and you will always be secondary to that. Thatʼs another thing to recognize in relationships. You have to handle the fact that you will not always be the priority. You have to know how youʼre going to feel about her kids and in general. Know how you feel about her kids and just in general about this relationship with a woman that has kids.

• Recognize your own need to procreate. A mom who already has

kids, if itʼs natural, sheʼs going to give you kids as well. She will want to give you children. Sheʼll want to do that for you. Most women would because they understand how it works. Coming into a full nest already is very unnatural for men, and she will recognize this and sheʼll know that while she does expect you to play kind of a fatherly role to her kids, she knows that youʼre not their biological father and that is a big stretch, my friend. It is a big stretch. It is not


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www.CarlosXuma.com the same as having your own children. Your own children are never the same as somebody elseʼs. • Relate to her an understanding of her situation. In other words when

dealing with the woman who already has kids, sheʼs a mom already, a single mom or whatever it maybe, relate to her an understanding of her situation. She has got it tough. This is something you can just assume right off the bat. Sheʼs got a tough life right now in dealing with raising her kids, being both a mom and a father to her kids, making sure she has time for herself, making sure she is not all stressed out. Balancing all these factors in her life with one person having to do all of it, itʼs very challenging. • Acknowledge her value as a woman beyond being just a mother.

Thatʼs what sheʼs dying for. She wants to be recognized as something else other than this mother unit to the children. ""

If you can see those things and recognize her as being " somebody

that is whole and independent of those kids, she will really gravitate to that. And with the whole MILF situation, you just got to be more direct. If youʼre going to look at dating a mom or somebody who already has her own family, maybe you " have your own and youʼre kind of linking families, I donʼt know what is it, but youʼve got to be more direct. Women like this "

need to have a much more firmly established footing. They may

"

at first want to just have fun, but eventually being more direct " with

them will definitely get you further. She will want to " more direct level. I want to throw this in " lot of guys do run into, hell, "

communicate on a

because this is a situation of a

younger and younger these days because

when women get "married young they get divorced young and they may


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www.CarlosXuma.com have a kid " or two from it because they had a kid thinking the kid will solve "

all their problems, but no. Children are wonderful. They are

"

fantastic thing to have in life. I have a boy myself, and I can tell

"

you that they are great, but I do know that if I have to start a

"

relationship with another woman, heʼs the priority, not her, and

"

thatʼs the way it always has to be. So donʼt be surprised if this

"

kind of situation is a little different and if you canʼt handle it, "

thatʼs

fine, man. For a long time I knew I couldnʼt start a relationship with a woman that already had other kids and it took me awhile to get over that and realized, “You know what? I can deal with it.” But if you canʼt, thatʼs fine. Just make sure youʼre only dating the kind of woman that you want to date. Donʼt put yourself in a situation where itʼs more difficult to get "what you want. It sounds kind of like a no-brainer, but you would be amazed how many guys donʼt do it. Well, there we go. That was a pretty exhausting session there. This is the Starting Relationship section that we just finished. Now, weʼre going to go into a very big section next coming up, which is Keeping Her. How do you keep a girlfriend? Weʼre going to go through a lot of elements here. This is a long section. Weʼre going to break it up. It has got some really tight stuff. You are going to love the information in this section, so donʼt waste any time, move into the next video.


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www.CarlosXuma.com © Morpheus Productions, LLC. The information contained in or made available through this Product cannot replace or substitute for the services of trained professionals in any field, including, but not limited to, psychological, financial, medical, or legal matters. In particular, you should regularly consult a doctor in all matters relating to physical or mental health, particularly concerning any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. DD Publications and our licensors or suppliers make no representations or warranties concerning any treatment, action, or application of medication or preparation by any person following the information offered or provided herein. Neither Carlos Xuma nor our associates, or any of their affiliates, will be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages that may result, including but not limited to economic loss, injury, illness or death.


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