Going on DATES
Table of Contents The D Word.................................................................................... 2 How to Deal With Flakes.................................................................. 4 How to Meet Up With a Girl.............................................................. 6 The Date Matrix.............................................................................. 9 Slow and Steady .......................................................................... 11
1 Table of contents
Going on DATES
The D Word
S
o you’re going out and collecting girls’ phone numbers like candy. What next? You set up a date. The only thing is, you don’t typically want to refer to it as a “date.” Some girls are more traditional and really like that, but in my experience, most girls don’t. The idea of a date puts a lot of pressure on the upcoming interaction, and pressure is something you want to avoid. The reason for this is that “dates” have a very proper connotation associated with them. Going on a date suggests you’re going to go to a restaurant and eat dinner. You’re going to be sitting across from each other, asking boring interview-style questions and trying to force yourselves to have conversation. Meanwhile, underlying the whole awkward interaction is the question: “Am I going to sleep with this person or not?” That’s the decision she’s mulling over the entire time she’s talking to you. If you’re approaching things with this frame, when you push forward and escalate, she’s going to be weighing that question at every juncture. Typically, she’ll be more resistant to you. Every time you make an advance and try to communicate “Oh, we have a lot in common,” she’s going to hear, “We have a lot in common, so we should sleep together.” And she’s going to have to rebut that, and say, “No, that’s not what this means.” She’ll be a lot more resistant to your rapport, your body language, to feeling attraction… a lot more resistant to everything because of that “date” frame. Even if she really likes you, and really wants to connect on a deeper level, you risk making it very difficult for that to happen because everything will be super logical. It will feel very hard to create room for playfulness and emotional connection. Instead, don’t come at things with the frame of “we’re going on a date.” Don’t do that unless you’re in a relationship. You can go on a date with someone you’re in a relationship with, but not a girl you just met recently. Instead, you meet up with her or hang out with her. You go out. You get coffee. You get drinks. Anything but “go on a date.”
2 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES
How to Deal With Flakes
L
et’s address the tough part of going out with a lot of girls: a certain percentage of those girls are going to flake on you. Accept that fact now, and don’t let it discourage you. When you first start getting numbers and trying to meet up with girls, you’re going to find that about three out of ten of them flake, across the board. Not for any particular reason, or anything you did wrong, just because… that’s what happens. There are a lot of different types of girls, some of which have a really hard time committing to things. You can’t blame yourself for it, and believe it or not you can’t blame them. That’s just how it’s going to be. Now, if 80% of girls you ask out flake on you, you are definitely doing something wrong. But, even if you’re doing everything right, about 30% of girls will still flake on you. They may not even call to let you know. They may just not show up. And they may never answer any texts or calls ever again. You’ve got to be okay with that now. Understand that it has nothing to do with you. It’s just how it is. If a girl flakes on you once, that does not always mean she’s not interested and doesn’t want to hang out with you again. It usually means something else, like she doesn’t want to get committed too fast, or she’s dating someone else. It could also mean that she wanted to see you, but when the time came to actually go out and do it she felt too much pressure and decided that bailing on you was easier. Girls get nervous too, you know. The reason a girl flakes doesn’t really matter, the point is just that hanging out with you is not going to work for her at that specific time. Don’t take it personally. Some girls just flake on everybody, all the time. They flake on their friends, they flake on their parents, and they will certainly not give a second thought to flaking on some guy they met and chatted with for 15 minutes at a bar last Friday night.
3 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES If a girl does flake on you, it can still be salvageable. The thing that actually determines whether or not you end up seeing her later is the way you handle the flake. First, you never want to blame her. A lot of guys do this. They start to get angry at her because she didn’t show up. And let’s be honest, it hurts when you’re sitting there waiting for a girl, expecting something to happen, and then she doesn’t show up. You feel rejected. But you can’t get negative and take it out on her. You have no idea why she didn’t show up. Why assume the worst, and get yourself all flustered because some girl didn’t show up when she said she would? High value guys who understand women and have loads of female options don’t ever do that. They just chuckle at how silly some girls can be, and move on to the next girl on their list. Another tendency a lot of guys have is to get back at the girl for being so rude. They’ll write her an angry text message like “I waited for you and you didn’t show up. Never do that to me again” or “I don’t need this kind of stuff in my life.” It’s an extreme emotional reaction to being flaked on; to being rejected. And not only does it ruin your mood, it pretty much guarantees that girl will never speak to you again. Which is terrible, because if you only understood that her flaking is not that big of a deal, you could easily salvage the situation and come out on top.
4 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES
How to Meet Up With a Girl
S
ay you’re showing up to meet a girl at a place you’ve never been to before. There are a couple of ways you can play this.
First, you could show up 15-20 early, then leave before the date starts. If it’s a bar, meet the bartender first. Get a drink, get their name, tip really well, then leave. If it’s a restaurant, meet the hostess, or waiters, or whoever you need to talk to. Say, “I have a reservation a little bit later on. I just wanted to swing by and talk to you.” Then leave. Go somewhere nearby and wait for her phone call. This is important. Showing up fashionably late, in her eyes, is what you want to do. When she calls, just say “I’m right around the corner. I’ll be right there.” Even if you’ve been there early. It doesn’t really matter. A great place to do this is at a lounge, or a bar that’s a little more lowkey. Show up early and meet the bartender. Then, when your girl gets there, introduce her to the bartender by name. This is really powerful. It works best in a place that’s not too busy. If it’s a really busy venue, the bartender will be working like crazy and won’t really give you the time of day. They’ll freak out if you’re trying to talk to them. They’ll be thinking, “dude, I don’t want to talk to you about stuff, just take your drink and leave.” But, in a low-key place, they’ll be happy to chat with you and be friendly for a minute or two. Important note: the first drink you get, tip well. A lot of guys don’t do this, but it’s kind of common knowledge. Especially tip well before your girl shows up. Nine times out of ten, the bartender is going to respect that you tip well and talk you up in front of the girl. And you really want this to happen, because the bartender has the highest value in the entire place.
5 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES How much do you tip? If you get a beer and you tip a buck, that’s normal. If you tip two, that’s a little better. That’s kind of cool. Don’t be obnoxious about it, like you’re bragging and throwing around a lot of money, but do be conscientious. They need to know you tipped well, so don’t just put the money down and walk off, or they won’t know who left it. They need to see where you’re sitting. Put it down and sit there for a minute, and make sure you get their name. When your date shows up and you order drinks, introduce them to the bartender. Typically, what will happen is that, for that one extra dollar you tipped, the bartender will make you look awesome. They’ll give you compliments, meet the person that you’re with, and give you a ton of value, which is worth way more than the extra buck you gave them. How do I know it works this way? Simple: I used to be a bartender. Here’s other thing you could do when setting up a date, especially if you’re meeting a girl but you don’t want to get stuck buying her a bunch of drinks: get there ahead of time and buy yourself a drink. This is great, because if you don’t have a drink when she walks in, the pressure is on you to start buying her stuff. But if you’re already set with your first drink, she’ll get her own. Especially if she’s a few minutes late, which most girls will be. I’m not saying you should do this to save money; I’m saying you should do this because you don’t want to trade money for her time, ever. It’s okay to buy her a drink, but you want to do it after you’ve gone into rapport with her and there’s a reason for you to do that. Now, if she shows up and things are going well, great. If, for whatever reason, she flakes on you at the last minute, a great way to mitigate that is to have already made other plans. If you have any kind of thought in your mind that, maybe, she might flake on you, make other plans for that night to go out to some other place. Maybe even double-book. It doesn’t have to be with another girl. If your friends are going to be around, say, “I’ll probably call you around 8:00 and see if you want to go to this bar. I’m going to be around such-and-such area.” Set it up ahead of time, so if something goes wrong and she does flake, you’ve got
6 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES another option. It’s okay. You won’t take it personally because you’ve got something else to do that night, and her flaking is not a big deal. I had to train myself, so hard, to not be pissed off when women didn’t show up for dates. In the beginning, it was so difficult for me to even get a date in the first place. Then I’d show up thinking all the work was done, and I’d quickly realize that it wasn’t. I’d get there and she wouldn’t show up, or she’d be really late or reschedule at the last minute. It was no fun. Now, if it was a business meeting – someone I was potentially going to do business with that was doing that – I’d probably not want to work with them. But meeting a girl for a date is not a business partnership. Don’t think that it is. A lot of men treat dates like business meetings. They’re not. Just because she gave you her number and seemed interested does not mean that she signed a social contract saying she has to see you again. There are a lot of things at play here, some of which are within your control, and some of which are not. If she does flake, the best thing to do is to leave the ball in her court. For example, let’s say you go to a place, then leave early, before it’s time for you to meet. As you’re around the corner, she texts you five minutes beforehand and says, “I’m not going to make it.” Your response back should be: “Okay, no worries. I’m actually running late myself. I’m going to go meet some people at XYZ venue. Let me know when you want to hang out again.” That’s it. Completely leave it in her court. Don’t keep pushing it. You’ll ruin it if you keep pushing it.
7 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES
The Date Matrix
L
et’s say that you met a girl when you were out one night, and you’re planning on hanging out with her another time. If you’re wondering what to do, use what I call the Date Matrix. This basically contrasts two things: the time of day you met her and whether or not you met her in an environment where there were lots of people, or with very few people, or alone. The point is, when you first meet up, you want to do something that’s the opposite of the environment you first met. So, if you meet her with a lot of people at nighttime, then the next time you see her you want to meet her during the daytime, alone. There’s a specific reason for this. When you meet someone, they have a series of environments they need to see you in before they feel fully comfortable with you. Most of those environmental elements revolve around whether or not it was daytime or nighttime, because those are completely different environments. The other main factor is whether or not it was a social or personal environment. If you meet a girl in the opposite environment of what she met you in, she will get an extremely well-rounded view of who you are. You’ll be able to build comfort and go into rapport easier. She’ll typically be more comfortable being sexual with you. She’ll feel like she’s known you for a longer period of time, even though she’s only hung out with you once beforehand. This effect is called a Time Warp. It’s a very powerful effect. It basically allows someone to feel like they’ve been with you a lot longer than they actually have. You can use this to your advantage when planning a date, or you can actually achieve this effect all at once. Say you just met a girl during the daytime, but its right before dusk, and you’re by yourself. Pretty soon, when it gets dark, take her to a place that’s social. Go to
8 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES a bar, or meet up with your friends. You’ll cover both of the extremes immediately, and she’ll have a very well-rounded view of who you are. Another way you can use this effect to your advantage is, when you go out, to change venues often. Not often as in every five minutes, but you can spend roughly an hour to an hour-and-a-half in one venue and then bounce to the next. And this doesn’t just mean bar-hopping. A park is a venue. So is a coffee shop. Going to eat dinner is another example. Going from bar to bar, or club to club, is a typical pattern that’s great for this, as long as the next place is pretty different from the last. different place. The reason this is so powerful is that we tend to create memories based on events, not based on time. I can sit in a room with you for ten hours and not know anything about you or know who you are, and I wouldn’t have any memory of being in a room with you. But if I spend ten minutes with you doing something totally out of the ordinary, then I’m going to remember you specifically. We track events, not time. Have you ever had where you thought, “Man, it’s been such a long day?” Even if it was a normal length day, why does it feel like a long day? Probably because a lot of stuff happened to you that brought you out of your comfort zone that day. Things that were new and different. Things that were memorable. We will typically have a feeling about a person and say, “I’ve known this person for a long time.” It doesn’t actually mean that we’ve known them for a lot of years. It means that we’ve gone through a lot with that person. When you’re hanging out with a girl, you want to create that sense of “I’ve known this person for a long time, because we’ve gone through a lot together.” This is especially important if a girl is more traditional, because she’ll need to build a lot more rapport and trust with you before she’s comfortable moving forward.
9 JOSHUA PELLICER
Going on DATES
Slow and Steady
A
lot of guys ask me, should I sleep with a girl on the first date? Those guys are asking the wrong question. A lot of guys will meet women and feel like they need to sleep with them immediately. It’s ridiculous. You should only sleep with a girl when she is ready. Sometimes, that’s right away. Sometimes it takes longer. Guys who are really good at attracting and meeting women are not in a huge hurry. If you know what you’re doing, and you have an abundance of female options, why would you be in a huge hurry to sleep with any one girl? If you are a guy who has lots of options, you wouldn’t need to sleep with a girl on the first night. It defeats the purpose of creating all this pre-selection and attraction, and making her think that lots of other girls want to be with you and that a lot of guys respect you. That all goes out the window if she gets the sense that, all of a sudden, you really need to get laid. That’s incongruent. A lot of guys have this mentality and they freak themselves out because they need to make it happen that night.
10 JOSHUA PELLICER
