ALL YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT
FLIRTING
Why do we flirt ? Basic Instinct If we do not initiate contact and show Interest in the Opposite Sex, our species would become extinct.
The problem FLIRTING IS • Governed by a complex set of unwritten laws • Sometimes inappropriate • Many men experience difficulties in interpreting women’s body-language
Where to flirt ? • At parties, social occasions and celebrations
• In pubs, bars, discos, … • In schools, colleges, universities ,… • At work • In sports- and leisure clubs and groups
Different sorts of flirting • Light hearted flirting: = flirting for fun = harmless, enjoyable • Flirting with intent: = essential element of the mate-selection process
Who to flirt with ? • More or less anyone • Be cautious with people who are married or attached • Know that men have a tendency to mistake friendly behaviour for sexual flirting • Avoid sending ambiguous signals
Who to pick ? 1. People with roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself • Men are inclined to overestimate their attractiveness. • Women are often more attractive than they think.
2. Flirt with people
who are likely to return your interest
3. Women favour men that are taller and older than them, with higher status and earning potential 4. Men favour younger and prettier women. 5. Self-confidence and charm are important
HOW TO FLIRT • Show liking, interest and admiration – smile ! • Compliment – smile !! • Ask for advice – smile !!! • Do not try to impress or show off; be yourself
• Make her/him laugh ! • Tease, but with care • Never lie • Make her/him feel good • Be attentive • Offer a good time • Keep her/him happy • Be real • Make her/him talk • Listen more, speak less • Make her/him laugh !!
• Don’t be boring • Surprise positively • Don’t be over serious • Don’t communicate too directly • Plan. If you fail to plan, then you are planning to fail • Know what to say and dare to say it • Compliment her/him • Don’t look desperate • Keep things playful
PRACTISE PRACTISE Flirting is both an art and a skill You have to experience it in order to become good at it
Mind your body language In the initial stages, how you say things is more important than what you say. Pay attention to: Appearance, tone of voice, energy, joyful behaviour …
Eyes are very powerful ! If, after making eye contact and briefly holding someones gaze, the other looks away and then looks back, you know (s)he is interested ! ---- DO NOT OVERDO EYECONTACT ----
Basic rules for eye contact 1. 1st short contact 2. Look away, then look back 3. Make contact again to start conversation 4. Look while listening 5. Look away while talking
Interpersonal distance At 1m (4’) you are at the borderline between the social zone and the personal zone • Move closer only
if you receive a positive signal • Moving into the intimate zone 0m50 (2’6”) may cause discomfort
Sometimes a reduced dinstance is tolerated • When you are side by side with someone • In crowdy places • With people you know and trust
Negative body signs • Body turned away • Feet turned away • Leaning backward • Folded arms or legs • Looking around • Looking bored
Positive body signs • Body oriented towards you • Leaning forward • Open posture • Head tilted to one side • Mirroring your posture • Smiling • Looking happy • Looking at mouth
+++ Gestures • Give good face
• Nod in agreement • Open palm hand movements • Synchronisation • Hair flipping • Head tossing • Eyebrow flashing • Parting lips • Preening (touching clothes, face or hair)
+++ Female • Enhance feminity • Draw knees towards body when seated (looking smaller) • Arch back (breasts !) • Cross and recross legs • Display body • Stroke neck, thigh, face, arms, hair, … • Whisper • Lick lips
+++ Male • Enhancing masculine appearance • Hands in pockets with elbows out (enlarging chest) • Leaning against wall with one hand placed above sholder height (appearing taller) • Stand tall • Move hands to belt
--- Gestures • Palm rubbing • Display of anxiety or nervosity • Blank, unexpressive face • Closed, near-tobody movements
DO WE TOUCH ? YES, DO TOUCH BUT BE VERY CAREFUL
TOUCH Touching is a subtle, Powerful and complex Form of communication. Just a light, brief touch on the arm during a short social encounter may have immediate and lasting positive effects. Correct touching helps to advance the relationship. But inappropriate use of touching could ruin your chances for ever!
ARM TOUCH If a light touch on the arm to draw attention or express support produces a negative reaction, you might as well give up now ! Some degree of intimacy is required before proceeding to a brief hand touch
ASK PERMISSION Do not proceed without prior positive reaction ! Perform each touch at least twice before progressing to the next level : This tells your companion the touch was not accidental and is a non verbal way for asking for permission.
THE NEXT STAGES Repeat each kind of touch before moving on to a next stage : • Hand squeeze • Holding hands • Brief knee touch • Arm over shoulder
Yeah, o.k. she’s looking my way.
Now: WHAT DO I SAY TO HER ?
ma tter WH AT you sa y It ’s HO W yo u say it that is imp ort ant ! An y f rie ndly in vi tatio n An y f rie ndly in vi tatio n to a conve rsa tio n is
The thing is: your opening lines are not about starting a flirtation, but about starting a conversation ! Just make a general comment on some aspect of the event or surroundings, with a rising intonation or 'isn't it?' type of ending
GOOD OPENING LINES • Nice day, isn’t it ? • Bit crowded, isn’t it ? • Not very lively here tonight, isn’t it ? COMPLIMENTS ARE O.K. • That’s a nice jacket ! • Wow, You look lovely !
80% of women think that they are too fat. “You’ve lost weight!” is a compliment that is likely to please almost any woman that you have known for some time.
GOOD CONVERSATION The essence of a good conversation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, exchange, with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners. PERSONAL & QUESTIONING RESPONSES ARE THE BEST WAY TO ACHIEVING A GOOD CONVERSATION
GOOD CONVERSATION USE OPEN QUESTIONS What, when, when, why, how, … PARAPHRASE: “So you were stranded at the station … How did you get home?”
TURN OFFS • OVER-SERIOUSNESS • NEGATIVITY • PASSIVITY • SELF-PREOCCUPATION • BANALITY • LACK OF ENTHUSIASM • OVER-EXCITEMENT • RUDE BEHAVIOUR
ACTIVE LISTENING good listening is not just about shutting up and letting the other person talk. Good listening is about giving good 'feedback‘. This involves giving both verbal and nonverbal signals to show that you are paying attention, and that you are interested.
IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BECOME JUST ANOTHER GOOD FRIEND
CALL HER SEXY. LET THERE BE NO DOUBT ABOUT YOUR INTENSIONS
++NON-VERBAL FEEDBACK Effective signals :
nodding, smiling, responsive facial expressions, leaning forwards, … and general positive body language such as 'open' posture and posture/gesture echo..
++ VERBAL FEEDBACK Good signals :
Use expressions like "mm-hmm", "yeah", "mmm", "ah", “great”, … They show interest or agreement and encourage the other to continue
HUMOUR Humour is necessary for succesful flirting.
Fact : BOTH TRUST AND ATTRACTION INCREASE WHEN A LIGHTHEARTED APPROACH IS USED.
But inappropriate use can kill a promising flirtation stone dead in a matter of seconds.
RECIPROCAL DISCLOSURE Disclosure of almost any personal information is a move towards intimacy. The key to succesful flirting is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually and in a balanced way.
PLAYFUL TEASING playful teasing allows to increase the personal content of the exchange, while keeping the tone light-hearted and non-serious, thus escalating the level of disclosure and intimacy in a nonthreatening manner.
PARTING Your approach to leavetaking will determine your future relationship! If you want to meet the other person again, YOU WILL HAVE TO ASK ! E.G.: “Would you like to meet me some time next week for a drink?”
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guide to succesful flirting
Thank you for reading the presentation. May it bring you many happy hours !
You may think she’s too beautiful for you, but unless you try, How will you ever know how she thinks about you ? YOU CAN ONLY WIN BY TRYING
Don’t forget : Practise Practise Practise You will meet with failure: It’s impossible to “click” with everybody
But from every failure You will learn And every time you go for it, your confidence and skill will grow.
