The Three Truths transientpermanence Summary: It was always easy, until it wasn't.
Chapter 1 ChapterText
There were three three truths to Clarke Grifn, Grifn, Lexa knew: knew: 1.
Meetin Meet in he herr th thei eirr so soph phom omor ore e ye year ar o! co coll lle ee e wa was s a st stro rok ke o! me merre chance.
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#ecomi #eco min n he herr !r !rie ien$ n$ %y th the e en en$ $ o! th thei eirr &u &uni nior or ye year ar wa was s an ac acti tie e choice.
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)al alli lin n in lo loe e wi with th he herr %y th the e ti time me r ra$ a$ua uati tion on ro roll lle$ e$ ar arou oun$ n$* * !allin in loe with her was an ineita%ility.
There were three three truths to Clarke Grifn, Grifn, an$ Lexa Lexa ha$ them memori+e$ an$ etche$ into eery creice o! her skull, swearin to hersel!promisin hersel!these truths woul$ neer in any way in-uence her relationship with the %lon$e. n$ they $on/t. 0he was practice$ in the art o! hi$in the $epths o! her !eelins !or the me$ical stu$ent. 0he knew that when Clarke was $runk, she ten$e$ to %ecome more outoin, lou$er, talkatieten$e$ to say pain!ul thins like how much she nee$e$ Lexa, how much she appreciate$ Lexa, Lexa, how much she loe$ Lexa. 0he knew that a!ter a particularly har$ $ay, Clarke like$ like$ to call her, how her uar$s went $own !or &ust a moment an$ thins like I miss you/ slippe$ !rom her lips. 0he knew that when they ot toether, especially in enironments that Clarke knew Lexa woul$n/t %e com!orta%le in, Clark Clarke e woul$ press aainst her si$e, neer moin !ar awayneer once askin i! the heat o! her skin %othere$ Lexa more than the heat o! the %ar. 2Lexa knew that Clarke ot particularly han$sy on these nihts, yet somehow she neer !oun$ the strenth to say anythin.3 Lexa was practice$ in the art o! hi$in her !eelins !or the me$ical stu$ent. 0he knew to aoi$ Clarke when she was $runk. 4new to text Clarke rather
than chat with her on the phone on the $ays her uar$s were $own. 4new to wear clothes that woul$ make it impossi%le !or her to !eel Clarke/s skin aainst her own, knew that the easiest way to keep Clarke/s Clarke/s han$s 2her so!t han$s, initin miniature -ames aainst Lexa/s skin whereer they %rushe$, $riin her ma$, $riin her past all her limits, makin her want to stop 5htin, stop preten$in, stop, stop, stop, stop3 was to %uy her another $rink, occupy her with talk o! the men in the %ar, askin which one she pre!erre$all pre!err e$all the while preten$in that this $i$n/t sen$ shar$s o! ice throuh her heart, that the 5re aainst her skin spluttere$ out with nothin more than a whimper, that all her uar$s an$ protections -aile$ !or a moment %e!ore reroupin an$ re!ormin an$ comin %ack stroner. It was always easy, %ecause Lexa ha$ known Clarke !or 5e years. It was always easy, %ecause me$ical school kept Clarke %usy, kept them out o! %ars, out o! each other/s apartments, out o! each other/s hair. hair. #ecause Lexa spent more time rea$in an$ stu$yin, coul$n/t an$ woul$n/t answer Clarke/s calls. 20he $i$n/t think a%out how the current $istance %etween them ma$e thins easier, she $i$n/t think a%out why they/e %een so $istant, she $i$n/tshe can/tthink a%out that.3 It was always easy, until it wasn/t. 6It/s important, Lexa. I woul$n/t ask i! it wasn/t.7 2There were three truths to Clarke Grifn: 1. Meetin her was a stroke o! mere chance.3 6I know. know. I &ust*I $on/t un$erstan$.7 68ou ma$e the most sense.7 2Three truths: ". #ecomin her !rien$ was an 68ou actie choice.3 6#ecause I/m the only one who/$ aree97 6#ecause you/re my %est !rien$. #ecause I trust you*%ecause you were %eliea%le. ccepta%le.7 2Three truths: (. )allin in loe with her*!allin in loe with her was ineita%le.3 6hateer you nee$, Clarke.7 6It/s only two weeks. n$ all the wine you coul$ possi%ly want.7 6Like 6Lik e I sai$. hateer you nee$.7
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than chat with her on the phone on the $ays her uar$s were $own. 4new to wear clothes that woul$ make it impossi%le !or her to !eel Clarke/s skin aainst her own, knew that the easiest way to keep Clarke/s Clarke/s han$s 2her so!t han$s, initin miniature -ames aainst Lexa/s skin whereer they %rushe$, $riin her ma$, $riin her past all her limits, makin her want to stop 5htin, stop preten$in, stop, stop, stop, stop3 was to %uy her another $rink, occupy her with talk o! the men in the %ar, askin which one she pre!erre$all pre!err e$all the while preten$in that this $i$n/t sen$ shar$s o! ice throuh her heart, that the 5re aainst her skin spluttere$ out with nothin more than a whimper, that all her uar$s an$ protections -aile$ !or a moment %e!ore reroupin an$ re!ormin an$ comin %ack stroner. It was always easy, %ecause Lexa ha$ known Clarke !or 5e years. It was always easy, %ecause me$ical school kept Clarke %usy, kept them out o! %ars, out o! each other/s apartments, out o! each other/s hair. hair. #ecause Lexa spent more time rea$in an$ stu$yin, coul$n/t an$ woul$n/t answer Clarke/s calls. 20he $i$n/t think a%out how the current $istance %etween them ma$e thins easier, she $i$n/t think a%out why they/e %een so $istant, she $i$n/tshe can/tthink a%out that.3 It was always easy, until it wasn/t. 6It/s important, Lexa. I woul$n/t ask i! it wasn/t.7 2There were three truths to Clarke Grifn: 1. Meetin her was a stroke o! mere chance.3 6I know. know. I &ust*I $on/t un$erstan$.7 68ou ma$e the most sense.7 2Three truths: ". #ecomin her !rien$ was an 68ou actie choice.3 6#ecause I/m the only one who/$ aree97 6#ecause you/re my %est !rien$. #ecause I trust you*%ecause you were %eliea%le. ccepta%le.7 2Three truths: (. )allin in loe with her*!allin in loe with her was ineita%le.3 6hateer you nee$, Clarke.7 6It/s only two weeks. n$ all the wine you coul$ possi%ly want.7 6Like 6Lik e I sai$. hateer you nee$.7
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Lexa learne$ Clarke/s Clarke/s !amily was well o< a%out hal!way throuh their &unior year. It ha$n/t %een %ecause Clarke was necessarily ocal a%out it. 0he &ust ha$ that laissez-faire attitu$e that only the rich coul$ eer really pull o<, a $isintereste$ stance towar$s money that ae her away as wealthy 2!or only the ki$s who rew up well o< coul$ eer &ust not care a%out the amount o! cash in their pocketsalwa pocketsalways ys sure that there was more where that came !rom3. 0he neer counte$ her $ollars like Lexa $i$. 0he neer ha$ to work two &o%s &ust to coer tuition an$ necessities, like rent an$ !oo$. n$ Lexa neer %eru$e$ her !or her money= Clarke always treate$ Lexa with respect, an$ that was all she eer wante$ !rom her anyway anyway.. #ut knowin a !amily was well o< an$ seein it was two entirely $i
r was. ?e oriinally le!t it to my $a$, %ut well, you know.7 Lexa Lexa no$$e$, remem%erin the eent that ma$e her choose to %ecome Clarke/s !rien$the eent that turne$ chance into an ineita%ility. 2 “Don’t cry in here. If you want to cry, you have to do it properly. properly. It can’t be in in the girl’s bathroom bathroom in the library library.” .” 3 6hose is it now97 6Marcus 4ane/s. I think he worke$ with my $a$.7 t Lexa/s look, Clarke ela%orate$. 6My $a$ hate$ this place. 0o my mom an$ I*7 6@iht.7 6This isn/t the li!e I imaine$ !or mysel!. mysel!. I neer wante$ this.7 6@iht.7 Clarke Clarke pulle$ on Lexa/s arm, not lettin her take t ake out the last o! their %as. 6Lexa. Ao you remem%er 6Lexa. remem%er the co$e wor$97 wor$97 Thissomehow, somewayot somewayot a smile out o! her.
68ou 68 ou mean the wor$ you tol$ me I ha$ to say i! this all %ecame too much97 68ou can say it.7 6I won/t say it.7 6Ao you een remem%er it97 6>! course.7 6Lexa.7 6@elax, Clarke. I remem%er it. n$ i! I nee$ to say it, I will. #ut not yet. I can 6@elax, $eal with*this.7 0he esture$ to enormous home, the expansie roun$s, iin Clarke a rin. 60o your ran$!ather*7 6?e/she was eccentric, yeah,7 Clarke sai$, rinnin. 0he shoul$ere$ her %a an$ le$ Lexa into the empty home, moin Buickly past the photos an$ paintins an$ liin area an$ towar$s the lare staircase. 6?e wante$ eeryone to %e happy. happy. 0o !or two weeks%e!ore the sale is 5nali+e$eery Grifn an$ their sini5cant other is to cele%rate. retty sure he wrote somethin a%out how he expecte$ a ran$ki$ to %e %orn nine months a!ter this acation./7 0he was lauhin, %ut Lexaa connoisseur o! all thins Clarke Grifnknew %etter, knew that Clarke was %rokenhearte$, %rokenhearte$, knew that Clarke was hi$in, knew that it was not the t he time to con!ront her. her. 60orry, Clarke. That I can/t $o.7 6w man, an$ I/$ %een so hope!ul.7 6I/m the wron !ake sini5cant other i! you wante$ to o that route.7 6#ellamy sai$ no when I aske$ him.7 Lexa/s mouth !ell open as she pause$ 6#ellamy %rie-y on the steps. 68ou aske$ him 5rst97 6Dealous97 6>! course not,7 she $enie$ Buickly. 6>
6That/s what I sai$.7 Clarke &ust shook her hea$, not %otherin to answer. Instea$, they walke$ straiht past the secon$ story in silence %e!ore Clarke le$ the two o! them $own the hall o! the thir$ -oor. More photos an$ paintins littere$ the walls, thouh they were $i! you9 Eo.7 Lexa turne$ her hea$ slihtly, !eelin her heart sink %ack into the $epths o! her !eelins, !eelin the !amiliar weiht that she !elt wheneer she was aroun$ Clarke settle %ack on her chest. 2“alls up!” it seeme$ to cry. “"uards up!” 3 6It/s &ust two weeks, Clarke,7 she sai$, starin into her %est !rien$/s %lue eyes, starin into them an$ won$erin who she was talkin tohersel! or Clarke. 6Two weeks is manaea%le.7 68eah.7 Clarke/s eyes were so %lue. 2"uards up, guards up, guards upF3
6Ao you want to talk a%out )inn97 Clarke/s !ace %lanke$ imme$iately, an$ she with$rew, shi!tin until she an$ Lexa were on opposite si$es o! the %e$ only a !ew !eet away, yet !eelin like an insurmounta%le $istance. 6e/re not talkin a%out )inn. er.7 It was always easy, until it wasn’t.
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The 5rst hal! o! the twoHweek !amily !estiities,/ Lexa Buickly learne$, woul$ consist only o! themseles, Clarke/s ran$mother, Carol, an$ %%y. 6hen Clarke tol$ me you were comin, that the two o! you were $atin, I coul$n/t %eliee it,7 %%y Grifn sai$, pullin Lexa into a huonly the secon$ one she/$ eer ien Lexa 2she/$ %lanke$ out the memory o! the 5rst hu, the reason she/$ allowe$ hersel! to !all apart in the el$er Grifn/s arms, allowe$ hersel! to %e com!orte$3. 0he let Lexa o a!ter a moment, lea$in her to the kitchen an$ away !rom Clarke/s conersation with her ran$mother. 6I was still un$er the impression you an$ Clarke weren/t talkin.7 6e worke$ thins out.7 6Clearly,7 %%y sai$, pourin hersel! a lass o! water. 60o9 ?ow/s your mom97 6The same.7 6?as she starte$7 6Eo. Eot yet.7 6I! it/s a%out the cost, I7 6My mother is a prou$ woman, she won/t een take my money. 0he won/t take yours.7 %%y no$$e$, sippin at her water. 6?ae you tol$ Clarke yet97 she 5nally aske$. 6Ar. Grifn7
6%%y. I think you an$ I shoul$ %e on 5rst name %asis now, $on/t you97 6@iht.7 0he couhe$, lookin away !rom Clarke/s mother, lookin away !rom the $octor, the remin$er. 6I haen/t. Tol$ Clarke yet, I mean.7 6re you plannin to9 This isn/t somethin you can hi$e, you know.7 6I coul$n/t risk hain her et $istracte$. Eow that she has some time o<* now that she/s o<, I/ll tell her.7 %%y stare$ at her thouht!ully, hea$ tilte$ to one si$e, %linkin slowly. )inallya!ter what seeme$ like aesshe put her lass $own on the countertop an$ leane$ !orwar$, iin Lexa a leel stare. 6Lexa. 8ou/re not a $istraction to Clarke, you know that, riht97 68es7 6I mean, anyone who/s seen you two toether !or more than a minute knows exactly how much you two care a%out each other.7 6Ar. Grifn7 6%%y.7 6%%y. I know. That wasn/t what I meant.7 %%y purse$ her lips then moe$, pattin Lexa on the shoul$er as she stro$e past her. 6e all knew Clarke woul$ eentually come aroun$, Lexa honey. 0o why are you so surprise$ %y it97 ithout iin Lexa the chance to speak, %%y hea$e$ %ack towar$s the liin room. n$ Lexa went outsi$e, strollin aroun$ the roun$s with her han$s stu
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68our ran$!ather neer ma$e the ran$ki$/ &oke in his will, $i$ he97 Lexa aske$ much later that niht, Clarke layin stiy next to her, her closeness at once su
6I %eliee$ you. ske$ Carol a%out it.7 6I know. I hear$.7 60he tol$ me that he/$ hae loe$ to write it, that only propriety/ ma$e him $eci$e not to.7 6?ear$ that too.7 6?e soun$s like he was a reat man.7 6?e was.7 6I/m sorry.7 sorry.7 0he turne$ t urne$ her hea$ slihtly, eyein ey ein Clarke in the $arkness. 6I $on/t think I sai$ that yet. I/m sorry.7 68eah,7 Clarke sai$ a!ter a lon silence. 6Me too.7 0he shi!te$ so that her 68eah,7 %ack was to Lexa, an$ a!ter a moment, Lexa mirrore$ her action. 6?e woul$ hae loe$ you,7 Clarke muttere$ much later, clearly still &ust as wi$e awake as Lexa. 6?e woul$ hae loe$ you so much.7
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They sat next to each other at the ta%le, acceptin acceptin the es an$ %acon Carol pile$ onto their plates with i$entical smiles. %%y stare$ at them o$$ly, an$ Lexa ha$ no i$ea why until she notice$ that Clarke sat stiy next to her%ack straiht, arms presse$ tihtly aainst her si$es, as i! a!rai$ o! touchin Lexa. 2“#y mom thin$s I can’t do this. %he called me unbalanced. I need to get her o& my bac$, and you need to help me .” 3 6Clarke97 68eah97 6Co
knew Clarke, still knew her. They walke$ to the kitchen in silence, %ut as Lexa poure$ two cups o! co
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6e pro%a%ly pro%a%ly shoul$/e irone$ out the $etails %e!ore ettin here,7 Lexa sai$ lihtly, shierin without her &acket. 0he sat on the stone %ench, her les stretche$ out in !ront o! her, her arms crosse$ oer her chest, tryin to to stae o< the col$ as she looke$ up at Clarke. 6I kept thinkin you woul$ say the wor$. That you/$ %ack out.7 6Clarke.7
6It slippe$ out,7 she sai$, rockin %ack on her heels, her eyes on the %ranches a%oe them. 60he aske$ a%out you aain an$ aain, kept tellin me that the !act that we weren/t talkin was proo!7 6Clarke.7 60o I &ust sai$ it. n$ it was too late to %ack out. I can/t. I can/t %ack out.7 6I et it.7 6>kay.7 68ou lie$ to your mom. 8ou $on/t nee$ to lie to me.7 Clarke/s eyesher %lue, %lue eyes-itte$ $own, meetin Lexa/s a+e, her !eatures har$enin. 6I haen/t !orien you.7 6I know k now.7 .7 6I &ust nee$ you.7 6I et it.7 6Lexa.7 0he looke$ up aain, moin so that she sat next to Lexa on the 6Lexa.7 %ench, their shoul$ers %rushin. 6Thank you !or sayin yes.7 It was a peace o
a%out the estureLexa was su$$enly her li!eline, an$ so she hel$ on !or $ear li!e. n$ Lexa let her. 2Lexa woul$ always let her.3
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6Trou%le in para$ise, hon97 Carol aske$, stirrin the cake %atter, lookin at Lexa/s !rustrate$ expression with %latant amusement. It took a secon$ %e!ore Lexa een reistere$ her wor$s. 2)or a moment, she rerette$ not oin out with Clarke an$ %%y, rerette$ o
6Last Christmas, when she was here with that %oy!rien$ o! hers, she mentione$ you more than once. That/s when I knew you were somethin special.7 6I $on/t7 6I know my ran$$auhter, Lexa,7 Carol interrupte$, rinnin slihtly. 0he $i$n/t speak as she place$ the %akin pan into the oen, %ut when she turne$ %ack aroun$wipin her han$s on her apron as she $i$ soher rin was still there. 0he han$e$ Lexa a paper towel, smilin slihtly as she in$icate$ the patches o! -our on Lexa/s !ace. 6Ai$ Clarke eer tell you what happene$97 6ith the %oy9 Eo. #ut I saw the papers.7 60he $oesn/t talk a%out it. %out him. ?e was special. To her, he was eerythin.7 Carol eye$ her o$$ly an$ Lexa !elt her cheeks heat up, knowin she/$ sai$ too much, knowin she ae hersel! away. 6It/s silly,7 Carol sai$ a!ter a minute, lookin at Lexa/s %atter critically %e!ore a$$in a %it o! water an$ stirrin. 6eople think that only the ones we loe can %reak our hearts, %ut it $oesn/t work that way.7 6?ow $oes it work97 6nyone can %reak our hearts, %ut it/s the ones who loe us that puts it %ack toether.7 0he pushe$ Lexa/s %owl o! cake %atter towar$s her, rinnin once more. 6There now. It/s per!ect. e/ll make a %aker out o! you yet.7
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6I tricke$ your ran$mother into likin me to$ay.7 6@eally97 68eah.7 6?ow97 6I was charmin.7
68ou know how to %e charmin97 6I $on/t know. It worke$ with you, riht97 Clarke shi!te$, proppin hersel! up on her el%ows, starin $own at Lexa. 6I thouht you/$ make a %ier $eal out o! sharin a %e$ with me.7 6hat97 6@emem%er that irl in our conomics class9 The one you were crushin on !or weeks %e!ore you manae$ to ask her out97 6Clarke*you reali+e that I $i$n/t &ust share a %e$ with her, riht97 6That/s not my point.7 6Then what97 6It/s &ust*7 6Dust what97 Clarke $i$n/t speak !or so lon that Lexa was sure she/$ $roppe$ the su%&ect. #ut then, the wor$s came -owin out o! her, Buickly an$ !uriously. 6#e!ore you starte$ $atin, %e!ore your thing, she ot $runk an$ you woul$n/t let her $rie home, so you let her crash at our apartment an$ you re!use$ to sleep in the same %e$ as her. I remem%er. 8ou slept on the roun$ that niht.7 Lexa !rowne$. 6I $on/t7 6hy9 hy $i$ you sleep on the roun$97 6#ecause I was $runk too. #ecause I $i$n/t want to $o somethin we/$ reret. I was tryin to %e respect!ul. #ut what $oes that hae to $o with me an$ you, Clarke97 hen she $i$n/t answer, Lexa hu! course it is.7 6Lexa, that/s7 #ut she wasn/t listenin, wasn/t willin to listen anymore.
6It keeps comin %ack to that, $oesn/t it9 ?ate me so much you can/t een %ear to %e near me, riht97 6Lexa7 0he shook her hea$, ra%%in her pillow an$ tossin it on the roun$. 6Aon/t worry, Clarke. 8ou only hae to su
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6My $auhterHinHlaw is a smart woman,7 Carol tol$ Lexa the next mornin. ?er %ack ache$ an$ she wore a thick sweater, still col$ !rom spen$in the niht on the har$ -oor, an$ she wasn/t Buite up !or whateer Carol wante$ to say. #ut &ust as she turne$ to apoloetically tell the ol$er woman &ust that, she notice$ Carol/s small rin, the sliht roll o! her eyes.
6I know.7 6Clearly you $on/t, %ecause i! you think you an$ Clarke are oin to %e a%le to !ool her with the trainHwreck you hae oin, you/e ot another thin comin.7 0he han$e$ Lexa a cup o! cokay. ?ow97 6)irst o! all, $on/t arue all the time. n$ a little A eery now an$ then woul$ %e accepta%le.7 6>kay*7 6n$ !or the loe o! all that is oo$ an$ holy in the worl$, stop lettin her walk all oer you. 0how some %ack%one. 0ome 5re. Clarke nee$s someone to %e her !rien$, an$ sometimes that means tellin her when she/s %ein an i$iot.7 Carol eye$ her oer her mu, an$ she rinne$ wi$ely an$ unashame$ly. 6Lexa oo$s,7 she sai$, chucklin !or whateer reason, 6welcome to the !amily.7
The Three Truths transientpermanence Chapter " ChapterText
They/$ met outsi$e the li%rary. It ha$ %een col$, wet, a misera%le sort o! week, each %reath taken !eelin like inhalin all the inre$ients necessary !or pneumonia. 0he ha$ %een tire$, she ha$ %een awake !or oer thirtyHsix hours, she ha$n/t %een watchin where she was oin, %umpin har$ into the %lon$e as she exite$ the li%rary, ru%%in her eyes an$ mentally tryin to keep hersel! prepare$ !or her next exam. 68ou know, it/s proen that stu$ents $o worse while sleep $eprie$,7 the irl sai$ as she stea$ie$ Lexa, as she helpe$ Lexa pick up her thins. 6 nap woul$ %e %etter than a cram session.7 6sych ma&or97 6#ioloy.7 6Go$, een worse.7 The irl lauhe$ an$ Lexa ru%%e$ her eyes aain, took her thins with a paine$ smile. 60orry I %umpe$ into you.7 6It happens.7 6@iht. ell. 0orry aain.7 The irl smile$.
6Goo$ luck on your exam.7 Lexa no$$e$, hearin her, not really comprehen$in the wor$s, !ocuse$ mostly on the irl/s %lue eyes an$ kin$ smile. en much later, that was what stuck a%out the encounter. Eot the sleep $epriation warnins, %ut the %lue eyes, the kin$ smile. 2Three truths: 1. Meetin Clarke Grifn was a stroke o! mere chance.3 0he shoul$ hae known, she thouht. The $ay she saw Clarke/s %lue eyes an$ kin$ smile, the $ay they met %ecause Lexa ha$n/t stu$ie$ !or her exam until the last minute, she shoul$ hae known she was a oner. 2#ecause no one eer $reams a%out seein those %lue eyes aain unless that person ma$e an impression.3 )ie years later, Lexa wishe$ she/$ %een &ust a ta$ more a$$le$ that $ay. Dust a ta$ more uncomprehen$in. #ecause then she woul$n/t %e where she was now: %%y $eci$in she wante$ to et to know Lexa %etter. %%y $eci$in that she an$ Lexa nee$e$ to spen$ a $ay toether./ Carol tellin %%y that Lexa nee$e$ to learn how to %ake a o$$amn cake 5rst./ 6e %ake$ yester$ay,7 Lexa complaine$, eyein the es, -our, an$ anilla extract uncom!orta%ly. Clarke sat on one o! the stools, a heay text%ook on her lap, lookin up !rom her stu$yin lon enouh to -ash her ran$mother a !on$ smile. 6hat $i$ you een $o with the cakes97 6The one you ma$e or the one I ma$e97 68ou threw mine out, $i$n/t you97 The ol$er woman rinne$, pullin out a cook%ook, han$in it to Lexa with a -ourish. 6I $i$.7 6That %a$97 6retty %a$,7 Clarke commente$, not lookin up !rom her %ook. 68ou can/t use school as an excuse to not help. 8ou/re o<.7 6Aoesn/t mean I can stop stu$yin.7 Lexa opene$ her mouth to arue, %ut Carol shook her hea$. 6Clarke alrea$y knows how to %ake. 8ou $on/t.7 6%%y $oesn/t %ake an$ she/s not here.7
60he was o
she !oun$ hersel! starin at the %ack o! a %lon$e hea$, won$erin why it looke$ so !amiliar. 2It took her three more lectures %e!ore she athere$ the courae to sit next to Clarke. nother one a!ter that %e!ore she intro$uce$ hersel! an$ properly apoloi+e$ !or runnin into her on that col$, wet $ay. #y the eihth or ninth lectureshe stoppe$ countinthey %ean to actually talk. 0mall talk, %ut talk nonetheless. Then su$$enly, Clarke stoppe$ showin up to class.3 6Lexa97 6I/m here.7 Clarke stare$ at her !or a moment, her %lue eyes re$ rimme$, lookin so!t, lookin open, lookin ulnera%le. 6I want to make a closet &oke,7 she sai$, rinnin, an$ Lexa watche$ as her %est !rien$ shut $own, as she turne$ away !or a moment an$ seeme$ to remem%er that she wasn/t lettin Lexa in anymorethat she coul$n/t %e ulnera%le in !ront o! Lexa anymorean$ Lexa/s heart stuttere$ an$ puttere$ an$ -uttere$ !or a moment %e!ore resumin its normal, aoni+in, %eat. 6I/m not in the closet.7 6Literally, thouh. Literally, you kin$a are.7 68ou were here 5rst.7 6h touchJ. 0o. ?ow $i$ cake %akin o97 6Mrs. Grifn has proclaime$ me to %e a lost cause.7 68eah, that soun$s a%out riht.7 60he wants to try cookies tomorrow. 0he says screwin up cakes she can !orie. #ut cookies are an a%solute must in the Grifn !amily.7 6art o! the !amily, are you97 60he knows, you know. That we/re lyin. #ut she/s helpin %ecause she says %%y is too intense.7 6n$ she/s teachin you Grifn secrets9 0he must really like you. e take our cookies ery seriously.7 It was a &oke, Lexa knew that. #ut somehow, the wor$s !elt like knies, the tone !elt like a twist. )or a moment, Lexa !elt all the air leae her luns, leain her aspin, reelin, heain. 6Clarke.7
6I mean, this is super serious. It/s like an initiation into our !amily,7 Clarke sai$, not noticin or not carin a%out Lexa/s su$$en ina%ility to %reathe. 6Clarke.7 6I uess that/s the one oo$ thin that/ll come out o! this. 8ou/ll %ecome my ran$mother/s honorary ran$$auhter.7 6Clarke,7 Lexa sai$ a thir$ time, leanin !orwar$ an$ ra%%in her wrist. 6lease. 0top.7 6hat97 ?er eyes were wi$e, concerne$, !or a moment lettin o o! eerythin!or a moment !orettin her aner. ?er eyes were so %lue, an$ Lexa was transporte$ %ack in time, to the !ront o! a li%rary on a col$, wet $ay. 6My mom is sick,7 she sai$, her oice low, her tone somehow remainin een. 60he/s really sick.7 2Three truths: #ecomin her !rien$ was an actie choice.3 “hat’re you doing in here'” she’d as$ed, hearing (lar$e in the girls’ restroom, loc$ed in one of the stalls. “)ou haven’t been showing up to class.” “*e’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone.” (lar$e had replied, and +ea leaned against the stall’s door, unsure what to do. %he could leave. %he didn’t $now (lar$eshe had no reason to do anything. %he could leave without another word. “Don’t cry in here. If you want to cry, you have to do it properly. It can’t be in the girl’s bathroom in the library. (ome on, (lar$e. #y mom sent me coo$ies. e can share.” here was a long pause, the sound of sni/ing, and then, the stall’s door was opened and (lar$e stepped forward with a hesitant, vulnerable, heartbrea$ing nod. “*e’s gone, +ea.”
Clarke stare$ at her !or &ust a secon$ %e!ore she moe$, crawlin oer to Lexa an$ pullin the coers oer them %oth, pullin Lexa into an em%race. 68ou shoul$ hae tol$ me,7 she whispere$, no real reproach in her tone. 68ou haen/t !orien me.7 68ou shoul$ hae tol$ me,7 she repeate$, pressin her lips to Lexa/s temple, hol$in her tihtly, an$ Lexa allowe$ hersel! to %e hel$, allowe$ hersel! to !eel Clarke/s warmthallowe$ hersel! to %e com!orte$ %y Clarke/s presence.
2Three truths: (. )allin in loe with her, !allin in loe with her was an ineita%ility.3
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Clarke hel$ her han$ $urin $inner. 0he $i$n/t know i! it was %ecause she still wante$ to o
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6I! your mom was sick, why $i$ you aree to this97 6It/s only two weeks.7 68ou shoul$ %e with her.7
60he sai$ the same thin a%out you.7 pause. $eep %reath. The soun$ o! shi!tin !rom a%oe her. 6Lexa97 68eah97 6Aon/t sleep on the roun$.7 6hat97 6Dust*please. ill you please come %ack97 pause. $eep %reath. The soun$ o! creakin &oints as she ot to her !eet an$ sli$ into the %e$. 6It was !ree+in $own there.7 6I know.7 6Clarke97 68eah97 6I/m sorry a%out )inn.7 pause, a $eep %reath, the su$$en shi!t an$ the press o! Clarke/s lips to Lexa/s cheek. 68eah. Me too.7 6I $on/t expect you to !orie me.7 6I know.7 6That/s not why I/m here. hy I/m $oin this.7 6hy are you here then97 pause, a $eep %reath, the swallowin $own o! the truth that $esperately wante$ to %urst !rom her lips. 68ou nee$e$ me.7 pause, a $eep %reath, an$ Clarke/s 5ners threa$ throuh Lexa/s. 2They wake up still hol$in han$s.3
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6%%y is suspicious,7 Carol tol$ Lexa, rollin her eyes as Lexa chane$ the channel yet aain. 6Dust pick one. 8ou can/t watch two moies at the same time.7 6#ut it/s way more !un this way.7 0he pause$, mute$ the teleision, an$ turne$ to the ol$er woman she sat knittin on the other si$e o! the couch. 6hat $o you mean she/s suspicious97 6?ae you eer ha$ a irl!rien$, Lexa97 68es.7 60eriously97 68es.7 Carol shook her hea$, loopin the yarn aroun$ the nee$le as she spoke. 6>kay. 0o imaine Clarke as that irl!rien$.7 6I/$ really rather not.7 6hy97 6#a$ %reakup.7 6>h. I see.7 68ou see9 hat $o you see97 Lexa turne$ so that she !ace$ the ol$er woman completely, no loner intereste$ in either o! the moies she was watchin. They coul$ hear %%y an$ Clarke chattin in the kitchen as they rinse$ the %reak!ast $ishes. Carol leane$ !orwar$, her oice $roppin to a whisper. 6This whole tryin to preten$ you $on/t loe her thin &ust isn/t workin.7 6xcuse me97 68ou et all uar$e$ an$ stan$ofsh. It/s %ecause you loe her.7 6That $oesn/t make any sense,7 Lexa sai$, shakin her hea$, her heart hammerin away. ?a$ she %een so o%ious9 ?a$ Clarke seen it too9 ?a$ Clarke $eci$e$ it wasn/t een worth mentionin9
6Eormally, I/$ aree with you. #ut you/re not a normal irl, are you9 8ou/re the kin$ o! irl who/$ $o anythin !or the person you loe$, een preten$ you $on/t loe them.7 6ain, that makes no sense.7 6re you hol$in %ack %ecause o! the %oy97 68ou $on/t know what happene$.7 6I know enouh.7 6Then you know she hates me.7 6>h sweetheart. 8ou $on/t ask the person you hate !or helpyou ask the person you trust.7 6Those aren/t mutually exclusie thins.7 6ith Clarke9 ith Clarke, they are.7
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0he starte$ $atin )inn towar$s the en$ o! their senior year. Lexa, who ha$ %een !rien$s !or Clarke !or months, who was Buickly reali+in that she consi$ere$ Clarke one o! her closest !rien$s, was the 5rst to hear o! this $eelopment. 6?e/s !unny an$ sweet, Lexa,7 Clarke ha$ sai$, lyin %ack on Lexa/s %e$, a so!t smile on her !ace. 6I really like him.7 6I can tell,7 she/$ lauhe$, shoin Clarke ently, lyin $own %esi$e her, their shoul$ers, arms, thihs %rushin. 60o turn on that Grifn charm.7 6hat a%out you an$ that irl in our conomics class9 ?ae you een talke$ to her yet97 60he/s comin to our party.7 6@eally97
68eah.7 6That/s*that/s reat, Lexa. I/m la$.7
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6I/e $eci$e$. Eot only will I help you with my $auhterHinHlaw, %ut I/ll help you with Clarke.7 6ith all $ue respect, Mrs. Grifn, your hus%an$ &ust $ie$. I $on/t think Clarke an$ I are a priority.7 Carol snorte$, shakin her hea$, ra%%in the remote an$ chanin the channel once more. 68ou $i$n/t know Dames. The man woul$ come %ack an$ haunt me i! I $on/t 5x his !aorite ran$$auhter/s relationship %e!ore his !uneral.7 0he snorte$ aain, leanin %ack aainst the couch, her knittin !orotten. 6It/s really a $amn shame.7 6I $on/t really know what to say.7 68ou $on/t nee$ to say anythin. It/s %een $eci$e$.7 6I &ust*I &ust think it may %e %etter to ie up on it. Clarke/s*Clarke/s my %est !rien$.7 6hat $i$ I say a%out %ack%one97 6That I nee$e$ to show some.7 6xactly. Eow sit up straiht, stop mopin, an$ &ust accept this will happen.7 Lexa stare$ at her, %linke$ slowly, then let out a sih. 60he $oesn/t !eel the same way, Mrs. Grifn,7 she sai$, shruin helplessly. 60he &ust $oesn/t.7 6Lexa97 6@iht, I know. )ire. #ack%one. tcetera.7
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2Three truths: (. )allin in loe with her. )allin in loe with her was ineita%le.3 They $isaree$ a%out eerythin. Thins as simple as $inner plans turne$ into lou$ an$ lon aruments, an$ inaria%ly, Clarke woul$ en$ up in Lexa/s room, layin in %e$ toether, starin up at the ceilin. 6I think he miht %e cheatin on me,7 she sai$ one niht, eyes $ry !or once, tone een $espite the !act that she/$ %een aruin with )inn !or the last hour. 6>h.7 6hat shoul$ I $o97 Clarke turne$ to !ace her, an$ Lexa su$$enly !elt oerwhelme$ %y her scent, her warmth, her mere presence. The %lue eyes, the tiny Buirk o! her lips, the !act that she was so close, so close, so close* 6I $on/t know,7 Lexa whispere$, knowin she was too close, hearin warnin %ells oin o< in her min$, sure that she was secon$s away !rom $oin somethin stupi$. 2#lue eyes call to her, an$ it hit her at once, un$erstan$in. 0he un$erstoo$ why she an$ the irl !rom her conomics class $i$n/t last. 0he un$erstoo$ why she !elt a tu in her chest eery time )inn/s name was mentione$. 0he un$erstoo$ why, riht now, she wante$ nothin more than to close the $istance %etween them, to !eel Clarke/s lips aainst her own, to taste her, to %reathe her in, to eliminate that emptiness that ha$ taken up resi$ence within her. 0he un$erstoo$, she un$erstoo$ now: 0he was in loe with her %est !rien$.3 6Lexa97 68eah97 6I $on/t think I loe him.7 Kn%i$$en, Lexa/s han$ moe$ slihtly, moe$ to rip Clarke/s. 2%top! her %rain cells crie$, stop! 0bort, abort, abort!3 6That/s okay.7 6My !amily hate$ him. They trie$ to hi$e it, %ut they coul$n/t.7 6That/s okay.7
6?e %roke one o! the ornaments. )rom our Christmas tree.7 6>h, well now that/s un!oria%le.7 6That/s what I sai$F ?e tol$ me I was takin an ornament too seriously.7 6It/s like he $oesn/t know you at all.7 6xactlyF7 They stare$ at each other an$ Clarke %roke 5rst, %urstin into iles, %uryin her !ace into the crook o! Lexa/s neck in an attempt to sti-e her lauhs. Kn%i$$en, Lexa/s arm wrappe$ aroun$ Clarke/s shoul$ers. Kn%i$$en, Lexa/s %o$y seeme$ to mel$ with Clarke/s. 6It/s okay, Clarke. 8ou know that riht97 pause, a contente$ sih, pressin een closer to Lexa. 6I/m with you. It/s always okay when I/m with you,7 she sai$.
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The way I 5ure it, the ma&or oal o! this operation is to et %%y to leae Clarke alone. That's actually the only oal, Mrs. Grifn. The secon$ary o%&ectie is to make Clarke see the truth, the ol$er woman continue$, inorin Lexa entirely. Make her see she loes you. 8ou $on't &ust wake up one mornin an$ think, oh yeah. I think I may %e in loe with my %est !rien$. Isn't that how it happene$ with you9 ctually, my reali+ation came %e!ore !allin asleep. Carol shook her hea$ an$ crosse$ her arms oer her chest. I $on't appreciate sass youn la$y. Mrs. Grifn, please. Dust $rop it.
Arop what9 Clarke aske$ as she an$ her mother walke$ into the liin room. Carol ae Lexa a not so su%tle wink an$ turne$ to her $auhterHinH law an$ ran$$auhter with a wi$e rin. I'm tire$, an$ my knees ache. 0o I aske$ Lexa here to o %uy a !ew roceries %ut she says she's too %usy to run erran$s !or an ol$ woman. hat9 I'll o, Clarke o
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?e was cheatin on her. They %roke up %e!ore ra$uation. )or months a!terwar$s, Lexa trie$ to come up with ways to tell Clarke the truth. Tell her, %luntly, honestly, a%out how she !elt. Tell her with a lonwin$e$ con!ession, with a ram%lin note, with an email without any sort o! clarity. )or months, Lexa planne$, aoni+e$, hope$, su
60o how lon9 ?ow lon hae you %een in loe with her97 68ou/re $runk, )inn.7 6I/m 5ne,7 he slurre$, unstea$y on his !eet. 6Tell me the truth.7 68ou/re $runk, an$ I promise$ Clarke I/$ et you home. 0o come on.7 68ou two lie$ toether senior year. n$ I coul$ tell. I coul$ tell. 8ou loe$ her. 8ou loe her.7 6)inn.7 6I tol$ her she coul$n/t hate me !or cheatin on her %ecause she was !uckin you. That/s why she %roke up with me. Cause I sai$ she wante$ to !uck you.7 6)inn, shut up. 0hut up an$ et in the car.7 6?ow lon a!ter she was sinle $i$ you wait9 To tell her9 I woul$n/t hae waite$ lon i! I were you. 0he coul$n/t wait to run !rom me to you.7 6I swear to7 6icke$ 5hts all the time. Then ran to you. I knew it, I knew why. n$ it !uckin pisse$ me o<.7 6)inn7 6I hate you. I hate you. 8ou/re the reason we %roke up.7 ?e steppe$ !orwar$, an$ Lexa clenche$ her 5sts, larin at him. 6I/m oin to call you a ca%. I/ll stay here until it ets here. #ut a!ter that, you an$ me9 e/re throuh.7 6Aon/t preten$. e were neer !rien$s. 8ou hate me. I hate you. #ut you ot the irl. 8ou.7 6I/m callin you a ca%.7 20he really, really shoul$/e known %etter.3
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The rocery store was only a tenHminute $rie out. They $roe in silence, parke$ the car in silence, entere$ the store with a %uy in silence. Clarke ra%%e$ a !ew %oxes o! her !aorite cereal, Lexa picke$ up color!ul skeins o! yarn !or Carol, an$ they am%le$ throuh the !ro+en !oo$s, %oth o! them choosin an ice cream -aorall o! this also in total silence. 6hat/s oin on %etween you an$ my ran$mother97 Clarke 5nally aske$ when they %ean checkin out their items. 68ou/re as thick as thiees lately.7 60he $oesn/t think I hae it in me to conince %%y we/re $atin. 0he/s coachin me.7 It wasn/t a total lie, Lexa conince$ hersel!. Eot really. 60houl$n/t I %e a part o! it too, then97 60he trusts you. #ut not me.7 6>h.7 6>h97 6It/s &ust*I think she really likes you.7 6Is that a oo$ or %a$ thin97 Clarke !rowne$, payin !or their items %e!ore turnin %ack to Lexa with a shru. 6I $on/t know,7 she sai$.
The Three Truths transientpermanence Chapter ( ChapterText
The 5rst time she ha$ to actiely 5ht aainst her !eelins !or Clarke, it was merely a week %e!ore ra$uation. Clarke an$ )inn ha$ %roken up only $ays %e!ore, an$ she/$ taken to sleepin next to Lexa, claimin she wasn/t willin to spen$ the niht alone. 20he was lonely, she sai$. 0he was sa$, she sai$. oul$ it %e okay, she aske$. Lexa was helpless to say anythin %ut of course.3 0he woke up with Clarke presse$ aainst her. It wasn/t innocent. Their les were tanle$, Clarke/s %ack presse$ 5rmly to Lexa/s !ront, Lexa/s han$ restin on the cure o! Clarke/s hip, 5ners splaye$ out, !ace pressin into Clarke/s neck, lips aainst her ear. It wasn/t innocent, %ecause Lexa woke up with her heart %eatin too !ast, with heat poolin in her %elly, %etween her les, an$ all she wante$ was to moe slihtly. To kiss Clarke $own the slope o! her neck, to hoer oer her, look into her $eep, %lue eyes as she eliminate$ any an$ all $istance %etween themeliminate$ the inches o! !ree space, eliminate$ the clothes, eliminate$, eliminate$, eliminate$. It wasn/t innocent. n$ she knew, she knew, that Clarke was lonely. That she was sa$. That she &ust $i$n/t want to %e alone at niht. n$ it was easy, it was e
Buell the $esire wellin up, to stamp out her nee$s, her wants, an$ !ocus only on Clarke. It was easy to moe away, create $istance rather than eliminate it. It was always easy. Kntil it wasn/t. The kiss was suppose$ to %e innocent. practice run/ Clarke ha$ calle$ it, in case they nee$e$ to kiss in !ront o! anyone 2a point ma$e %y Carol a!ter they came %ack !rom their trip to the rocery store, %arely acknowle$in each other3. 68ou two are col$er than the weather. It/s ri$iculous. I can/t een %eliee you/re !rien$s, let alone irl!rien$s.7 6Mrs. Grifn7 6ll you $o is say no, Lexa. Come on. hat i! someone asks you to pucker up9 They always $o that in the moies.7 Clarke ha$ aree$, claime$ it woul$ %e Buicka $ry run. 0he ha$ ra%%e$ Lexa/s han$ an$ le$ her upstairs, surprisin her %y stoppin on the secon$ -oor, pressin her aainst the wall, crashin her lips to Lexa/s. It was suppose$ to %e innocent. #ut Clarke was warm an$ taste$ like hot chocolate, she was warm an$ her han$s rippe$ Lexa/s waist, she was warm, an$ she tilte$ her hea$ to the si$e, $eepenin the kiss. #ecause when Lexa/s han$s went up to her neck, to tanle in her hair, Clarke let out a so!t moan, pressin een !urther into heras i! she wante$ them to %ecome one, to eliminate the $istance, eliminate, eliminate, eliminate. It was suppose$ to %e innocent. It wasn/t innocent. It wasn/t innocent, an$ it was har$it was near impossi%le!or Lexa to %reak away, to %reathe, to push Clarke %ack, to shake her hea$. 60top,7 she manae$, one wor$, one wor$, somehow makin Clarke/s !ace !all with the one wor$. 6That was7 6ron.7 0he shook her hea$ some more, not meetin Clarke/s eyes, not wantin to see more aner, more hate, more reulsion 2she ha$ seen all
that an$ more a!ter )inn, she was tire$, oh so tire$. It use$ to %e easy. It use$ to %e so ery easy3. 6I/m sorry. I ot carrie$ away.7 6@iht,7 Clarke sai$ a!ter a moment, an$ Lexa/s eyes -itte$ up to meet hers, shocke$ %y the $esolation she saw. 6Me too. It $i$n/t mean anythin.7 6@iht. Eothin.7 60o*97 6e/re oo$.7 0he couhe$, clearin her throat. 6I/ll, uh. Let Mrs. Grifn know.7 6That/s a %it weir$, riht97 60he/ll ask. I &ust want it out o! the way.7 6>kay. 8eah. I/ll o*rea$.7 6>kay.7 6>kay.7 6Clarke9 0till hate me97 Clarke/s !eatures, which ha$ Buickly one %ack to the %lank slate she worke$ atthe emotionless expression she constantly kept upso!tene$ almost imme$iately. 6>h, Lexa. Eo, I neer hate$ you.7
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6?an$ me the chocolate chips.7 6re you really oin to !orce me to apoloi+e97 6I want you to a$mit you $i$ somethin stupi$.7 6I $i$n/tF7 68ou sai$ she kisse$ you. Like, not &ust a peck. real smooch. n$ you &ust wae$ it o< as a mistake97 Lexa no$$e$.
68es. That/s exactly what I $i$.7 6>kay then. $mit you $i$ somethin stupi$.7 6I stoppe$ her !rom makin a mistake, Mrs. Grifn.7 The ol$er woman shook her hea$, tossin her spoon $own with a ta$ more !orce than strictly necessary. 6Aon/t you think she/s a %i irl9 Aon/t you think she can 5ure thins out on her own97 6ell, yeah, %ut7 6There are no %uts, Lexa. The irl wante$ to kiss you, wante$ you, an$ you &ust pushe$ her away.7 68ou $on/t know that. 8ou $on/t know how much I hurt her.7 6Eo, what I know is that you/re hurtin so much that you/re not een willin to contemplate that Clarke may hae !eelins !or you. Clarke isn/t the o%stacle, hon. 8ou are.7 0he ae Lexa a sini5cant look, raisin her eye%rows, then picke$ up her spoon an$ continue$ stirrin the cookie $ouh. 6I/m not hurtin,7 Lexa sai$ a!ter a lon silence, merely watchin the ol$er woman work. 68ou are.7 6hat woul$ I %e hurt a%out97 6 %roken heart.7 Lexa shook her hea$, rea$y to arue, %ut Carol was too !ast. 6I loe Clarke. 0he/s smart, kin$hearte$, sel-ess to a !ault. #ut she/s also %lin$.7 6Eo7 6Aon/t arue, I/e known her loner. 0he &umps to conclusions, passes &u$ments too Buickly, re!uses to listen to her heart. 0he/s pro%a%ly loe$ you !rom the moment she met you, %ut she won/t %e a%le to a$mit to hersel!.7 6Mrs. Grifn, I &ust7 60he/s %lin$, an$ she/s %reakin your heart.7 0omethin passe$ oer Carol/s !ace an$ she put the spoon $own aain, walkin oer to where Lexa stoo$,
takin her %y the shoul$ers an$ lookin riht into her eyes 2Lexa trie$ to inore how they were %lue, not as startlin or %riht as Clarke/s, %ut %lue nonetheless3. 6romise me, Lexa. romise me riht now that you won/t spen$ your entire li!e waitin !or her to open her eyes.7 6Mrs. Grifn7 6I know you/$ $o it. I know you !eel like you hae to. #ut you can/t. you can/t &ust ie an$ ie an$ et nothin in return. 0o promise me. romise me that i! the two o! you haen/t worke$ thins out %y the time you o %ack to school, you/ll moe on.7 6It/s not that easy.7 6It is. It has to %e. 8ou can/t let her keep %reakin your heart. Eo matter how much you loe her.7 0he tihtene$ her rip on Lexa/s shoul$ers an$ a!ter a moment, Lexa !oun$ hersel! no$$in shakily. 6>kay. I promise.7 6Goo$ irl,7 Carol sai$, pattin Lexa so!tly on the cheek. 6Eow. e/re oin to put the $ouh in the re!rierator !or a while. 0o it won/t sprea$ as much when we %ake it.7
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The 5rst person to arrie was Clarke/s unt li+a%eth, who Lexa Buickly learne$ was much more like Carol than she/$ like. 60o you/re the irl!rien$,7 li+a%eth sai$, raisin her eye %rows. 6)or some reason, when Mom $escri%e$ you, I thouht you/$ %e*taller.7 6I/m a per!ectly accepta%le heiht.7 6I know. It/s weir$. 8ou/re like, per!ectly proportione$. here/$ you 5n$ her, Clarke9 0ome !actory97 60he/s not a ro%ot, unt Li+.7 6Talks like one.7 6ell, she/s not.7
6?ey. Ao you know simo/s Laws97 6unt Li+. 0he/s not a ro%ot.7 6>kay, okay. Dust checkin.7 0he rinne$ thouh, hol$in out a han$ !or Lexa to shake. 6Eo har$ !eelins, riht Lexa97 6*riht.7 6It was a lon -iht, uys. 0o I/m oin to o take a nap. >r twenty. ?aen/t $eci$e$. hen are Dohn an$ ?annah ettin here9 re they %rinin their !amilies9 ill eeryone %e $iscussin my lack o! a hus%an$9 Can I &ust claim I want to %e like Clarke97 0he rattle$ o< more Buestions, talkin animate$ly to Carol an$ %%y as they went to hae a cup o! tea %e!ore she took her nap or twenty/ an$ Lexa !oun$ hersel! turnin to Clarke in awe. 6It/s like no one tol$ her why she/s here. 8our entire !amily*&ust seems so okay with your ran$!ather/s passin.7 Clarke swallowe$ har$ an$ shrue$. 6?e/$ %een sick !or a while. ?e ma$e eeryone promise. It/s not suppose$ to %e sa$ so unt Li+ is copin %y talkin. That/s her thin.7 6hat/s your thin97 Clarke smile$ sa$ly an$ shrue$ aain. 6I $o thins I shoul$n/t $o.7
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60o you/re a law stu$ent97 68es.7 li+a%eth opene$ her mouth 2pro%a%ly to ask another Buestion3, %ut at that moment, Lexa/s phone ran an$ she Buickly excuse$ hersel!, rushin outsi$e. The niht air was !rii$, an$ a!ter a !ew secon$s she rerette$ not wearin a secon$ &acket. 6?ello97 6*ey, +ea. *ow’s the fa$e dating thing going' 7 6%out as well as expecte$. ?ow/s Mom97 nya pause$ on the other en$ o! the line, cleare$ her throat, an$ Lexa coul$ practically see her shruin.
6%he says it’s the same, but I can tell the pain is worse. 7 6%%y o
6#ut nya*she/s riht to hate me. 0he/s riht.7 6)ou didn’t do anything.7 That was the pro%lem, Lexa wante$ to scream. That was exactly the pro%lem. 0he $i$n/t $o anythin, she $i$n/t $o anythin when she shoul$ hae 2an$ here she is, still not $oin anythin, still not $oin anythin, still not $oin anythin3. 6 5ust6once you accept it, things will be easier. 7 6ccept what97 6 0ccept that it wasn’t your fault, and that you deserve to be happy .7 Lexa took a $eep %reath, lettin hersel! !all to the roun$, restin her hea$ aainst the tree. 6#ut what i! I $on/t97 she whispere$, an$ nyaher sister, the one who/$ always %een there !or her, who knew her %etter than anyone&ust let out a sih. 6%ometimes ,7 she sai$, her tone har$ an$ sa$, 6I 1ust wish you’d never met her.7
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he ground was cold. 6Lexa9 LexaF 8ou out here97 he ground was cold. 6hat/re you $oin out here9 Lexa97
6I calle$ him a ca%,7 she sai$, not lookin up, %reathin har$, her heart racin, !eelin as i! she was !allin, !allin, !allin, with no one to catch her, no one to help roun$ her. 6hat97 6That niht. I calle$ him a ca%. ?e was $runk, he kept yellin, an$ I coul$n/t I coul$n/t %e in the car with him. 0o I calle$ him a ca%.7 Clarke sai$ nothin !or a moment then Lexa !elt her $rop $own next to her, their shoul$ers presse$ toether, usin each other to stae o< the col$. 0lowly, tentatiely, anxiously, Clarke reache$ out an$ took Lexa/s han$s in her own, warmin them, heatin them, rippin them, %ut Lexa/s heart still was %eatin at a ri$iculous rate, her %reaths still came out uneen an$ heay. 0he still !elt clammy an$ $isorientate$. 6I know.7
6It was my !ault.7 68ou calle$ him a ca%.7 68ou %lame me. It was my !ault. I shoul$/e*I shoul$/e $one somethin, %ut I &ust let it happen.7 Clarke presse$ her lips to Lexa/s temple, shi!tin so that she coul$ pull her into a oneHarme$ em%race. 68ou calle$ him a ca%.7 68ou can/t. 8ou can/t !orie me now when you coul$n/t een look at me !or months.7 6Lexa. 8ou/re hain a panic attack.7 0he turne$, !acin Clarke with wi$e eyes, shakin her hea$ in imme$iate $isareement. 6Clarke, you hate me. hy are you here97 68ou calle$ him a ca%. >kay9 I et it. I $on/t hate you.7 6I was there, I coul$/e stoppe$ it, I coul$/e preente$7 68ou calle$ him a ca%,7 Clarke sai$ !orce!ully, pressin her !orehea$ to Lexa/s, not lettin Lexa look away. 68ou calle$ him a ca%.7 6I $on/t reret you. I $on/t. Eeer.7 Clarke $i$n/t answer, &ust let Lexa %ury her !ace into Clarke/s neck, &ust let Lexa rip her shoul$ers, seekin sta%ility, seekin com!ort, seekin soli$ roun$. The em%race was innocent. Their closeness was innocent. Lexa coul$ su$$enly %reathe aain.
this heart, fossilized and silent (once was tender and once was violent) Chrm$poet
Summary: Clarke is only three $ays into %ein a runaway when she reali+es that she $i$ not !ully think this throuh. hen she walke$ away !rom Camp Daha, she took only hersel!, a han$un with limite$ ammunition, an$ the nawin uilt insi$e her. Three $ays without !oo$, water, !resh clothin, or %e$$in o! any kin$, howeer, an$ she is pain!ully aware o! how !oolish that $ecision ha$ %een.
Notes: 0tory %eins postH5nale 2s"3, three $ays a!ter Clarke leaes Camp Daha. This story is primarily !ocuse$ on Clarke, an$ it is a%out her internal strule a!ter the eents o! Mount eather. It is a%out her healin process, an$ how she also rows an$ eoles throuh that process with Lexa. The romance;relationship aspects are slowH%urn. This is my 5rst 5c !or The 1. I hope you all en&oy. Comments an$ 4u$os are reatly appreciate$. N>HChrm$poet
Chapter 1 Notes: 20ee the en$ o! the chapter !or notes.3 ChapterText
Clarke is only three $ays into %ein a runaway when she reali+es that she $i$ not !ully think this throuh. hen she walke$ away !rom Camp Daha, she took only hersel!, a han$un with limite$ ammunition, an$ the nawin uilt insi$e her. Three $ays without !oo$, water, !resh clothin, or %e$$in o! any kin$, howeer, an$ she is pain!ully aware o! how !oolish that $ecision ha$ %een. ?er %ack aches !rom sleepin on the har$ roun$ in the cool niht air. 0he can alrea$y !eel a thick layer o! rime coatin her clothes an$ her skin. ?er hair !eels striny an$ ross, an$ she imaines that it pro%a%ly loo$s &ust as %a$ as it !eels. ?er ass itches, likely $ue to the lea! she use$ to wipe hersel! earlier this mornin, an$ her %o$y is all %ut screamin !or her to turn aroun$ an$ -ee= run %ack to shelter, to !easts, to !rien$s an$ !amily an$ baths. 0till, she re!uses to o %ack. 0he can't. 0he isn't rea$y to !ace her people a!ter what she $i$ to the innocents o! Mount eather, rear$less o! how necessary that choice !elt an$ still !eels.
0he nee$s time to process, time to a$&ust, time to reret or !oret or accept. 0he &ust nee$s time, an$ she $oesn't care i! she su
eaer to catch her $inner. 0he hits nothin %ut rock an$ loose soil, an$ her spear exits the water as clean an$ 5shless as it ha$ entere$ it. 0he lets out a sih, shakes out the tension in her %o$y, cracks her neck, an$ rea$ies hersel! aain. Clarke watches the 5sh weae aroun$ her les an$ aroun$ each other !or a !ew moments %e!ore settin her sihts on one o! the larer ones. 0he watches it $raw nearer an$ then she strikes, har$ an$ !ast. s soon as the spear oes into the water, Clarke &erks it %ack out an$ looks to its tip. There is nothin there, an$ she looks %ack $own to see the 5sh she ha$ aime$ !or still circlin her les, mockin her. Lettin out a harsh sih that eoles into an annoye$ rowl, Clarke &a%s the stick %ack $own into the water. 0he &a%s an$ &a%s, checkin Buickly a!ter each try, an$ eery time, her spear comes up clean. hen the oranes an$ yellows o! the sky $eepen to re$ an$ then cool $own to a so!t %lue, Clarke nearly so%s at her !ailure. 0he tru$es out o! the creek, her toes achin !rom the col$ o! the water, an$ ra%s her socks an$ %oots !rom the %ank. The tiniest whimper escapes her throat as she swipes at the tears stinin her eyes %e!ore yankin on her socks an$ %oots, pickin up her spear, an$ hea$in away !rom the creek. 0he resins hersel! to the !act that she will o yet another niht with her stomach empty an$ achin. >nly this time, she has two %listerHcoere$ palms to a$$ to the mix an$ a hea$ache pinin %etween her eyes that she assumes is !rom $ehy$ration. 0he 5ures it's %etter not to $rink $irectly !rom the riers or creeks until she can 5n$ somethin to %oil the water in to make it more pota%le or until it rains an$ she can collect the pure source $irectly. That is, unless she ets really $esperate, an$ i! she ets really $esperate * well then, Clarke 5ures she won't much care a%out whateer potentially $anerous %acteria or microoranisms miht %e liin in the water, an$ she will simply suck it $own like it's a !resh lass o! lemona$e on the hottest $ay o! the year.
Col$ har$ roun$ isn't exactly i$eal no matter where it is, %ut Clarke 5ures slihtly hi$$en an$ slihtly coere$ is %etter than open an$ completely expose$. 0he can't o %ack to the $rop ship, an$ she re!uses to reisit the %unker. There are too many hosts lurkin there, too much history care$ into such a short amount o! time. 0he will make her own shelter or she will o without. 0he 5n$s a tiht space tucke$ un$er the &utte$Hout e$e o! a lare %oul$er an$ claims the spot as her own %e!ore settlin in an$ tryin !or the umpteenth time to start a 5re.
There ha$ always %een someone else aaila%le to %rin the -ames to roarin li!e at the $rop ship. There ha$ always %een someone else shoutin their kill on the hunt an$ lea$in them all %ack to camp, eaer an$ hunry. There ha$ always %een someone else aroun$ to proi$e the %asic essentials, takin or$ers !rom #ellamy or hersel! or whoeer happene$ to %e yellin the lou$est at the time. Eow, thouh, there is only her, worn an$ weary an$ so damn hungry. Clarke athers a small pile o! the $riest leaes an$ rass an$ sticks she can 5n$ near%y an$ then $rops them onto the $irt in !ront o! her chosen home !or the niht. 0he sits, les crosse$, %esi$e the pile an$ ra%s the lonest, skinniest stick o! the %unch. 0he hol$s it ertically in the center o! the small pile atop a thick, wi$e piece o! %ark an$ presses her %listere$ palms to it !rom %oth si$es. 4eepin her han$s open an$ -at, she s himmies them rapi$ly alon the stick's lenth, $own towar$ the pile an$ then %ack up to start aain, creatin as much !riction as possi%le. 0he $oes this oer an$ oer, inorin the stin an$ ache in her han$s, inorin the exhaustion ri$$lin her muscles an$ %ones, inorin the thro% in her hea$ * inorin the lonely clench o! her heart in her chest an$ the wet $rops slippin $own her cheeks. 0he inores eerythin %ut a sinle thouht7re, 7re, 7re. 0he lets out a harsh so% an$ %reaks her stick in hal! in a 5t o! aner when she slips in her motion an$ acci$entally slices open the sensitie skin %etween her thum% an$ in$ex 5ner. 0he $oesn't %other with wipin her tears away as she rips o< a piece o! cloth !rom the %ottom o! her shirt an$ wraps it tihtly aroun$ her riht han$, tyin it in a knot at the knuckle o! her thum%. The tears are still there when she curls in a %all un$er the lon e$e o! the %oul$er an$ $ri!ts o< to sleep with an empty stomach an$ stinin han$s, an achin hea$ an$ still no !uckin 5re.
Clarke shiers in her sleep, the col$ seepin into her %ones like a cancer intent on $eourin her insi$es. ?er %row !urrows, imaes -ittin throuh her min$ o! the thins she can't !oret, the people she can't let o o!. 0he sees her own han$s painte$ re$ with the %loo$ she has she$. 0he sees the hatre$ in Dasper's eyes, hears the rowl in his oice as he $eman$s an explanation !or her choice to kill his loe. 0he sees the anry re$ -esh an$ aoni+e$ eyes !ro+en in $eath o! the %o$ies an$ %o$ies an$ %o$ies litterin the -oor in Mount eather. 0he sees the har$ line o! Lexa's &aw, the steely resole in her eyes. 0he hears the lilt o! Lexa's %etrayal, hears the Buier she tries to hi$e !rom her oice. 0he hears the Comman$er's solemn whisper an$ the rhythm o! her walkin away. #ay we meet again.
Clarke sihs, %o$y curlin !urther in on itsel! in her s leep, as her $reams then shi!t an$ she is stan$in in the Comman$er's tent. Lexa's a+e $ances !rom Clarke's eyes to her lips, an$ Clarke !eels the heat o! her stare an$ then o! her kiss. It washes oer her, warm an$ com!ortin, like she is %ein enelope$ in it, an$ she !eels it everywhere . ?eat. ?eat. %o much heat. 0he startles awake when a lou$ pop soun$s !rom somewhere %ehin$ her, an$ Clarke is shocke$ speechless to 5n$ a cracklin 5re, alie an$ -ickerin, where her pathetic pile o! leaes ha$ earlier %een. 0he ru%s at her eyes, a smile unconsciously tuin at her lips as she takes a moment to reel in the warmth em%racin her, no loner only in her $ream, %ut then reali+ation snaps rouhly into place an$ she scram%les up onto her !eet as Buickly as possi%le. 8ankin her un !rom the holster on her hip, Clarke hol$s her weapon at the rea$y an$ sBuints into the $arkness surroun$in the outer low o! the 5re that she $e5nitely $i$ not create. #ut someone $i$. Inchin her way aroun$ the 5re, Clarke listens !or any unnatural soun$s in the surroun$in !orest. 0he hears nothin %eyon$ the %u++in o! the insects, the croakin o! the toa$s, the %ree+e ripplin throuh the leaes= nothin out o! the or$inary. ?er siht !ails her as well. 0he sees nothin %eyon$ the %riht halo o! the 5re. erythin is $ark, $ark an$ Buiet. "rounders, Clarke thinks. 0he knows their capa%ilities, their race in the !orest. They moe throuh the trees with such ease an$ silence. They coul$ %e watchin her this ery moment, entirely un$etecte$. The thouht makes Clarke uneasy.
?ae they come to 5nish her o<, a literal seerin o! their !ruitless alliance9 #ut then why %uil$ her a 5re9 hy keep her warm9 ll riht, Clarke says, raisin her oice &ust enouh that its sleepy rasp carries, I know you're out there, so you miht as well come out. 0he waits %ut no one steps !orwar$. Eothin stirs. Clarke keeps a tiht rip on her un an$ shi!ts anxiously !rom !oot to !oot, a+e $artin aroun$ in each $ark $irection. 0he points her un towar$ the 5re an$ shouts, hat the hell is this9 0he nearly &umps out o! her skin when a $eep oice spills out !rom the %lack a%yss o! the !orest. It is 5re.
Clarke sucks in a sharp %reath throuh her nose an$ 5hts the ure to roll her eyes. 8eah, she runts, turnin towar$ the $irection o! the oice an$ pullin her un up in !ront o! her. I ot that, thanks, %ut why $i$ you %uil$ me a 5re9 )or warmth, the oice respon$s, an$ Clarke hu
Notes: Translations: )aya kom ?e$a. H )ire !rom the Comman$er.
blood rush in the hazy low 5retestsol$ Summary: 6The locals aren/t !ans o! collee ki$s. This is their neih%orhoo$ %ar. They can et*territorial.7 Clarke stu$ies the irl who stoppe$ the 5ht %e!ore it %ean. Leanin %ack in her chair in the %ack o! the %ar, she's all $ark hair an$ $ark eyeliner an$ $ark alcohol. Clarke can see what he/s sayin: the lare etche$ into her !ace is a clear warnin !or anyone who miht step !orwar$ to her. #ut the o$ka has thinne$ Clarke/s %loo$= she/s always %een %ra+en an$ riht now she can/t take that warnin as anythin less than a challene. 0he ra%s >ctaia/s wrist an$ pulls her !orwar$. 6C/mon.7 ;; O;1(;"1O: $$e$ the 5rst o! two a$$itional postHstory chapters.
Notes: Dust an i$ea I coul$n't stop playin with a!ter I oh on$er son Lose It. ll !ee$%ack an$ criticisms welcome$.
Chapter 1 ChapterText
6re you sure we/re in the riht place97 Monty asks. Clarke $oesn/t $ou%t Dasper/s sense o! $irection, %ut his $ecisionHmakin has always le!t a little to %e $esire$. 68eah*this is a %a$ i$ea.7 Dasper, on the other han$, looks $elihte$. 6It/s a reat i$eaF My !rien$ was riht, there/s no way >ctaia/s onna et IA/$ here.7 That, they hae to a$mit, is true. Clarke casts a critical eye oer the !ront !aPa$e o! the %ar %e!ore them: $ark reen painte$ woo$ that/s chippe$ in places, a sinle $irty win$ow, an$ the ol$ letterin that rea$s he (aptain’s 8oom. The %lack $oor is close$, %ut a neon sin in the win$ow %links 6>pen.7 0he rather wishes it woul$n/t so that they coul$ hea$ home, een i! it was a lon trip %ack to their apartments on the other si$e o! town.
6I $on/t know i! #ellamy is oin to %e $own !or this,7 Monty tells Dasper, takin the wor$s !rom Clarke/s mouth. 68ou know how he is with >.7 Clarke checks her phone, hunchin aainst the col$ eenin air. 0he wishes she woul$ hae worn more clothes= the %ree+e raises oose%umps on her %are les. 6ell, we/ll 5n$ out any minute. ?e sai$ they/$ meet us at seen.7 The three !rien$s stan$ in !ront o! the %ar !or a !ew more minutes as Dasper attempts to list all the positie thins he/$ hear$ a%out the placethese are mainly ariations on 6a whole new crop o! irls to talk to7an$ Monty tries to aree a%out the irls while simultaneously pointin out t hat people pro%a%ly lie$ in the alley that ran alonsi$e the %ar. This wasn/t exactly the %est part o! town, an$ nothin like the %ars they were use$ to near campus. Luckily, Clarke $oesn/t hae to listen to them sBua%%le !or lon. #ellamy/s %lack truck at last roars aroun$ the corner at the en$ o! the street, rum%lin up to the cur%. #ell rolls $own the win$ow an$ raises an eye%row at the place. #esi$e him, Dohn Murphy slouches in the passener seat an$ li!ts a han$ in reetin. 6re you sure this is the riht place97 #ellamy asks Clarke, con!use$. Monty lets out a triumphant soun$ o! in$ication an$ Dasper protests. 6I mean, it/s $e5nitely a %ar,7 Clarke replies with a shru. 6n$ it looks like she won/t et IA/$ here.7 68eah, %ut will she et &umpe$ here97 Qali$ concern. The answer comes when a han$ $arts out o! the %ackseat an$ whacks #ellamy on the %ack o! the hea$his in$inant 6Kh, ow97 oes unhear$ as >ctaia leans !orwar$ out o! the %ackseat with a wi$e rin at Clarke. 6Aon/t listen to Captain 4ill&oy oer here,7 she says, 6It/s per!ectF7 Kltimately, it/s >ctaia/s call. ?er nineteenth %irth$ay passe$ $urin the summer, an$ now that they/re two weeks into the !all semester an$ settle$ in, it/s time to cele%rate. ?er enthusiasm trumps any resere #ellamy has, so with a sih o! resination, he pulls !orwar$ into an empty space alon the cur% an$ parks. >ctaia spent most her !reshman year escapin her crampe$ $orm room %y crashin on the couch in her %rother/s apartment, so she/s %ecome a part o!
the roup as much as any o! them $espite the three year ae $ictaia may hae #ellamy/s %loo$, %ut she/s much more !orthcomin with her kin$ness an$ warmth. Kntil, o! course, she ets onto the soccer 5el$, where she/s all 5ery #lake no one who knows her %rother is really surprise$ that she %roke the school/s sinleHseason 6!oul/s committe$7 recor$ in the 5rst ten ames o! her !reshman season. In$ee$, it/s part o! the reason %ehin$ her athletic scholarship. >ctaia clam%ers out o! the car an$ &os to &oin Clarke, Monty, an$ Dasper where they stan$ on the si$ewalk, lookin up at the place. 0he seems to %e on the same leel o! excitement as Dasper, while #ellamy, when he &oins them, a$opts Clarke an$ Monty/s $u%ious stare. Murphy, one o! #ellamy/s three roommates, walks up lookin completely content to et $runk whereer. 6This still seems pretty sketchy,7 #ellamy says at Clarke/s shoul$er. n$ that/s the $eci$in !actor !or >ctaia, eer the re%el. 0he casts a smirk oer her shoul$er at her %rother. 6Like I sai$, it/s per!ect. Dasper, you/re the %est. C/mon.7 0he loops an arm into his an$ $ras him insi$e. Monty shrus an$ !ollows his roommate, an$ then Murphy shoes his han$s into his &acket pockets, hea$in in too. #ellamy looks to Clarke, who shrus. 68ou know she won/t %ack $own. 0he/s &ust a prettier ersion o! you.7 6?ow a%out this,7 #ell o hae a $rink or two, then hea$ %ack oer to the apartments an$ eeryone can cele%rate there. Aeal97 It $oesn/t matter what Clarke arees to %ecause she has as much control oer >ctaia as she $oes a wil$ %ull, %ut it/ll placate #ellamy so she no$s. 6Let/s &ust et it oer with.7 HHH The insi$e o! the %ar is no $i
68ou oin to hustle anyone toniht, Grifn97 #ellamy asks, pointin the pool ta%le out. 6re you always oin to %e %itter a%out that97 6I was $runk.7 60till counts. n$ you were arroant, that's why I $i$ it.7 The crow$ is more than they expecte$, more than the sho$$y exterior woul$ suest. #ut it/s no surprise that a roup o! o%iously oer$resse$ collee ki$s stan$s out aainst the %lueH an$ noHcollar patrons cramme$ into the room. Clarke points out her !rien$s hu$$le$ at one en$ o! the %ar an$ she an$ #ellamy %ein pushin their way throuh the crow$, aoi$in the strane lares o! the locals. In a$$ition to the attention o! the usual %ar patrons, their !rien$s hae alrea$y aine$ the %arten$er/s attention, as well: when t hey &oin the roup, Clarke sli$es into a %arstool on #ellamy/s le!t an$ pays little attention as the man takes her !rien$s/ or$ers, until he ets to >ctaia. eryone hol$s their %reath. 6I/ll hae a o$ka martini. lease,7 she a$$s $emurely, lookin up at the %arten$er throuh thick lashes. 6ow,7 he replies, 6I $on/t et that one here o!ten. Aon/t think I/e touche$ a martini lass in weeks. I ot you coere$, thouh.7 n$ he moes on $own the line a!ter iin her a little smile, without mentionin her IA. 6Classic #lake moe,7 Clarke mutters to #ellamy, who/s tryin to hol$ %ack a prou$ rin. Dasper looks $ownriht triumphant. #ellamy or$ers a %eer, rather than his usual Dack an$ Coke. ?e still has eery intention o! ettin the roup %ack into his truck an$ ettin >ctaia %ack into more !amiliar territory, een i! he has to ie up a niht out to $o it. s $oes Clarke. They/re %y !ar the younest in the place, $resse$ !or a niht $owntown rather than a !ew %eers a!ter work. erhaps her !rien$s ha$ %een too enthusiastic a%out the niht to notice, %ut she knew #ellamy ha$ picke$ up on the same uncom!orta%le tension %etween them an$ the %ar reulars. The sooner they coul$ hea$ %ack to their usual %ar $own the street !rom campus, the %etter.
n$ then the %arten$er 5xes Clarke with $ark eyes an$ an easy, charmin rin. 6n$ what can I et !or you, rincess97 ?e has her. 0he ha$n/t notice$ how attractie he was. The thouhts o! the rest o! the %ar anishin, Clarke cocks her hea$ at the name an$ lets a practice$ smile sprea$ oer her !ace. 6Dust a %eer,7 she says, echoin a little o! >ctaia/s coyness. 60omeone has to look out !or my alcoholic !rien$s.7 6@esponsi%le. ell, that/s no !un,7 he replies. 68ou/ll hae to let me make you one o! my sinatures later.7 6I hae pretty hih stan$ar$s.7 #ut she/s smilin %ack as he sli$es her a %eer. 6Goo$, you shoul$. ?ope!ully I can meet them. I/m )inn, %y the way.7 6Clarke. n$ we/ll see.7 The Buirke$ eye%row she ies him has worke$ plenty o! times %e!ore an$ &u$in %y the twinkle in his eyes, it/s workin aain toniht. HHH roup o! ri++le$ men in &eans an$ mu$$y work %oots wait impatiently at the other en$ o! the %ar, pullin )inn away as soon as he 5nishes the $rinks. The oices an$ the music in the %ar hae picke$ up, so Clarke an$ her !rien$s Clarke an$ her !rien$s circle aroun$ each other, %eamin with success. 6>kay, (lar$e.7 >ctaia leans into her, easily the most excite$ o! them all. 6)lirtin with the %arten$er alrea$y97 68ou know me %etter than that, >ctaia,7 Clarke %ackpe$als, 6Ao you really think I/$ steal your thun$er97 68ou $on/t nee$ to steal it, it/s all yours. I &ust nee$e$ him to !oret my IA= you/re the one who nee$s the stress relie!. !ew hours with the %arten$er a!ter the place closes $own an$ you/ll %e7 6CheersF7 Dasper saes her %y thrustin his lass into the center o! the roup. >ctaia preten$s to inore Clarke/s in$inant lower. 6 toast, to >ctaia/s 5rst $ie %ar a$entureF7 6May we all remem%er it,7 Monty a$$s, wist!ully.
ith lauhs o! areement, they clink the lasses toether an$ tilt their hea$s %ack !or lon 5rst $rinks. Clarke relishes the 5rst taste o! cheap %eer a!ter the week she/s ha$she/s nee$e$ a niht like this%ut >ctaia scoh, my sweet summer chil$. elcome to the worl$ o! leal $rinkin.7 ?e throws an arm aroun$ her shoul$er, which she promptly shrus o< with a !ake lare. 6?ere, %arten$ers put the normal, recommen$e$ amount o! alcohol in each lass.7 6t least it/s $irt cheap here. I mean, two $ollar $ra!ts97 says Dasper. ?e/ll %e !oreer prou$ o! himsel! !or 5n$in this place, with all its irtues. In !act, two %lon$e, lonHlee$ irtues walk past an$ completely mesmeri+e him. 68ou/re use$ to the $rinks #ellamy makes,7 Clarke explains when she sees Dasper an$ Monty/s attention is one. ?er roup o! !rien$s has spent many a niht passe$ out aroun$ a homema$e %eer pon ta%le in the liin room o! #ellamy/s apartment on the nihts he plays %arten$er. 6Those $rinks are eBual alcohol an$ mixer, an$ taste like the stu< I use$ to saniti+e at the hospital. That/s why %ars aren/t usually the same horror show !rat parties are.7 6#ost !rat parties,7 #ellamy inter&ects $e!ensiely. 6My %rothers an$ I throw some oo$ ones. 0peakin o!, what/s the plan, rincess9 e stickin aroun$97 Clarke nearly chokes on her %eer. 6hat $i$ you &ust call me97 6hat, the cute %arten$er uy can say it %ut I can/t97 6?e/s not an ass, #ell,7 >ctaia says plainly, takin a sip o! her $rink. Clarke rins at her in appreciation. 6oint taken.7 #ellamy -ashes her the same arroant smirk he/s worn since !reshman year, %ack when he was insu
as he pours their shots, %ut he has sent more than one surreptitious look up the %ar at her when he thinks she won/t notice. 0he/s notice$. 0he/s a senior in collee. assa%ly cute. Ae5nitely com!orta%le with a $rink in her han$. This ame is nothin new to her. )or her 5rst moe, she preten$s not to notice )inn/s attention an$ turns %ack to #ellamy. 68eah, let/s stay.7 >ctaia lets out an imme$iate 6 yes!” an$ that/s pro%a%ly what preents #ellamy !rom protestinhe/s neer %een a%le to $eny his sister. ?e instea$ settles !or iin Clarke a witherin look as he $is his phone out o! his pocket an$ texts $am an$ Eate, his other roommates, to tell them not to wait up. >ctaia/s not the only one who looks $elihte$= there/s a certain %ounce in )inn/s step when he returns to 5n$ them in their seats aain. 6lriht, eeryone/s taken care o!, so I/m all yours.7 ?e/s speakin to the roup %ut lookin at Clarke. 6hat can I et !or you97 Clarke raises her %eer, still hal!H!ull. #ellamy leans !orwar$, with other plans: 60hots. hiskey.7 6)or eeryone97 6?ell yeah,7 >ctaia says. Dasper, Monty, an$ Murphy oice their areement. )inn ies Clarke a Buestionin look. 6C/mon, Grifn,7 Murphy $rawls, soun$in %ore$, 6I remem%er when you use$ to %e !un.7 6Ao you remem%er the time I %eat you %y 5e secon$s in the shotun contest97 Clarke 5res %ack, then she turns to )inn. 6)ine. 0hots.7 Dasper lets out a whoop an$ )inn is smilin at her aain an$ it/s worth it. )inn reaches %elow the %ar an$ comes up with a han$!ul o! larerHthanH normal shot lasses. 6anna make them $ou%les9 >h come on,7 he a$$s when he sees her start to %alk, 6you/re currently on pace !or three %eers !or the niht. Lie a little, rincess.7 ?e hol$s that challene as he pours an$ sli$es her the 5rst lass. Eeer one to %ack $own, !or %etter or !or worse, Clarke ra%s it an$ $owns the shot
without hesitation an$ without $iin !or her %eer a!ter. 0he stares him $own, ictorious, een as she hisses at the taste o! house whiskey. )inn lets out a low whistle. 6lriht,7 he conce$es, lauhin, 6May%e I was wron a%out you. May%e you can han with the locals out here.7 #ut Clarke/s not thinkin a%out the reulars. 0he/s too !ocuse$ on >ctaia/s aliant attempt to hol$ %ack her rimace when she takes her shot= too !ocuse$ on Dasper/s lauhter at he tells the stories o! all the times he an$ Monty %arely aoi$e$ ettin cauht smokin wee$ in the $orms= on Murphy an$ #ellamy cheerin alon with the crow$ when a %ase%all player on the only TQ in the %ar makes a $iin catch. 0he/s too !ocuse$ on the way )inn pushes a han$ %ack throuh his $ark hair an$ leans on the %ar to talk to her oer all the $in. Too !ocuse$ on all o! it to let anythin ruin this niht with her !aorite people. 6I can hae !un,7 she tells him, leanin %ack slihtly an$ lettin the whiskey %urn $own into her stomach. 0he 5nishes her %eer an$ he starts pourin a secon$. 6I neer $ou%te$ you, &ust wante$ to see it. 0o, rca$ia Kniersity, yeah97 6ow, how $i$ you 5ure that one out97 ?e $e-ects the sarcasm with a lauh. 6Eot that I/m complainin, %ut how $i$ you en$ up all the way oer on this si$e o! town97 6e/re*7 she looks si$eways at >ctaia, 5nishin the last o! her martini. 6e/re &ust tryin new thins.7 6)air enouh. 0o what are you stu$yin at school97 I! she ha$ a $ollar !or eery time she/$ %een aske$ that Buestion, she coul$ %uy this place an$ hae money le!t oer !or %etter alcohol. ?er answer is wellHrehearse$: 6The %est way to work mysel! into an early rae, at this point. #io,7 she clari5es, when he raises an eye%row. 6reHme$. )ourth year. Eothin %ut me$ school applications, olunteer hours, school, work*I nee$ nihts like this.7 6Kh, yeah.7 ?e starts to lauh. 68eah, you $o. Eow I un$erstan$ why you/re so responsi%leyou $on/t know how not to %e.7 ?is lauhter is not at all unwelcome, %ut she narrows her eyes at his wor$s. 6anna %et97 6anna try one o! my sinatures97
ell played . 0he really en&oys this ame. It/s %een too lon since she last playe$. “%ignatures'”
The oice cuts throuh the music an$ clatter o! the %ar to interrupt them is %rash, in$inant, an$ un$ercut with amusement. )inn roans. 6The hell are you tellin them9 I/m only 5!teen minutes late an$ you/re makin signatures' 7 They turn to see a $arkHhaire$ irl pushin throuh the stri$in throuh the cutout that allows the %arten$ers %ehin$ the %ar. 0he tosses her purse on a shel! %elow, then shrus o< a &acket, reealin %are shoul$ers an$ a tank top that is nearly too tiht an$ $e5nitely too lowHcut. The smirk on her !ace is all con5$ence in her appearance. n$ $esere$ly so. nother ol$er patron to their riht speaks 5rst, lettin out a sih o! relie! an$ smackin his han$ on the %ar. 6@aen,7 he says 6Thank o$ you/re 5nally here.7 )inn rolls his eyes at the man. 6>h come on, )rank, it/s not like I messe$ up your #u$weiser re5lls.7 68eah, %ut look at you. n$ look at her.7 The new irl, @aen, seems to hae no pro%lem with the comment an$ een )rank a sly wink. 6w, thank you, )rank. 8ou know how I loe -attery. I/m still not knockin any o! your $rinks o< your ta%, %ut I loe it. Thanks.7 0he takes his tip an$ his empty lass %e!ore she turns to )inn, archin one eye%row an$ 5htin %ack a smile. 60o, you/re makin sinature $rinks, now, huh97 )inn shrus in response. 0tri$in !orwar$, she shoos him out o! the way an$ ra%s the %ottle o! o$ka he ha$ %een hol$in= she pours the shots with practice$ -ourish as )inn takes up the role o! rea$yin lasses !or more $rinks. @aen sli$es the shots oer an$ leans on the %ar to chat as the six !rien$s throw them $own. 6)inn/s a $ecent enouh %arten$er to coer me !or me %etween shi!ts when I/m runnin late7 6hich is always,7 )inn points out, oo$Hnature$ly.
6an$ he/s &ust so nice.7 @aen shoots him a sarcastic lare, %e!ore 5nishin: 6#ut he/s still in trainin. I/m the hea$ honcho here, at your serice.7 #ellamy/s attention has at last %een pulle$ !rom the %ase%all ame. ?e swirls the last sips o! his $rink thouht!ully. 6The ones he/s ma$e us hae %een 5ne.7 @aen rins, licks the corner o! her mouth. 68ou haen/t ha$ mine yet. ?ow a%out a Moscow Mule9 ?ol$ on one secon$, then I/ll hook you up.7 0he smacks her han$ on the %ar, &arrin him#ellamy/s senses may hae %een a little $ulle$, %e it %y the oreous new %arten$er or the alcohol %e!ore she %ounces away, hea$in to the !ar si$e o! the %ar an$ leanin out oer it, callin to the crow$ that has %een occupyin the pool ta%le all niht. 6?eyF 8ou uys oo$, or you want another roun$97 6>h oo$, you/re here,7 one o! the uys calls %ack, raisin his lass without turnin to look at her. 6The usual. n$ et me somethin topHshel! this time, @aen.7 6e only hae one shel!, as always, Gus.7 0he returns to the roup, lookin satis5e$, an$ starts pourin %eers !or a !ew other impatient customers up an$ $own the %ar. 6They hae that &oke eery niht,7 )inn mutters. 68es we $o. 0tan$Hup come$y eery niht, all niht, so you all miht as well start tippin me now. 0o what are we $rinkin97 0he talks Monty out o! another %eer an$ into a in an$ tonic, Murphy into a Manhattan, an$ the entire roup into an extra roun$ o! shots with their new $rinks. #etween the extra tips she must et an$ her a%ility to et people to purchase the more expensie mixe$ $rinks, Clarke un$erstan$s how this place stays a-oat. Aespite @aen/s charm, Clarke looks to )inn when it comes time !or her $rink or$er. 6Dust surprise me,7 she tells him. 6I want to see what you can $o.7 “Damn, (lar$e. "et it,” >ctaia whispers in her ear when )inn turns to ra% a %ottle !rom the shel! on the wall %ehin$ the %ar.
60tress relie!,7 she murmurs %ack, all smiles.
6Eow help me 5n$ someone to take home.7 ?er ha+y eyes $ance across the crow$, alihtin on a num%er o! men that 0o%er >ctaia woul$ neer consi$er. This is her $e!ault intoxicate$ mo$e. 0he/s nineteen an$ craes the !ree$om to make poor $ecisions. Clarke, howeer, is twentyHtwo. 0he knows %etter. 0he scoctaia/s attention. 68eah riht, #ellamy/$ kill him. n$ then me.7 6)<ctaia exclaims, lou$er than she reali+es= #ellamy/s hea$ whips aroun$ at the soun$ o! his name. Clarke waes him o< an$ pats >ctaia/s thih to Buiet her. 6Eo, no, Clarke, $on/t actually !uck him.7 68ou ot it, >.7 HHH @aen Buickly proes hersel! to %e more than worthy o! all the extra tips= she/s splashin alcohol into multiple lasses at once with e
60eniors.7 6Me too. Aou%le ma&or in mechanical an$ aerospace enineerin.7 6ait, what97 Monty $eman$s, shakin his hea$ to clear the alcohol ha+e. 6I/m one o! you, Monty,7 @aen says with a rin. )inn speaks up. 6Ksually, locals aren/t really !ans o! collee ki$s. @aen/s the only exception to that rule.7 60he/s the smartest %arten$er I eer met, that one.7 It/ s )rank aain. n$ he has clearly seen his !air share o! %arten$ers. 6That/s sweet, )rank. lriht, 5ne, your next %eer is on the house. 8ou know how to play me.7 Monty, ma&orin in electrical enineerin, still has con!usion written all oer his !ace, as i! he ha$n/t hear$ @aen correctly the 5rst time. ?e waes his han$ to reain her attention. 6ait. Mech and aero9 ?ow the hell are you han$lin that workloa$97 @aen/s !ace tines with em%arrassment an$ a hint o! pri$e. 6ell, it/s taken me like six years so !ar.7 68ou also $i$ a semester internship with E0 last year,7 )inn points out. 68eah, 5lin an$ makin coctaia smirks an$ raises an eye%row. 68ou neer know, with Clarke.7 Takin an or$er three customers $own, )inn -ashes Clarke a raise$ eye%row an$ receies an anelic smile in response. @aen has the next roun$ o! $rinks out a !ew minutes lateran$ yes, whateer she makes Clarke is $amn oo$an$ she liners in !ront o! the roup, wipin $own the alrea$y waterHstaine$ %ar, moin a%sentmin$e$ly
to the %eat o! the music. #ellamy watches her !or a moment, then speaks up. 60o, E0, huh9 hat/s a !uture astronaut $oin in a shitty place like this97 ?e/s more than a little $runk. It/s ei$ent in his oice, in his !ace, in the num%er o! shots he/s thrown %ack. Clarke winces when she sees the way @aen &aw clench. ullin in a $eep %reath, @aen polishes the %ar !or another !ew secon$s %e!ore she turns to him= she has unclenche$ her &aw, %ut she 5xes #ellamy with a $e!ensie lare. 6Clearly, I coul$ ask the same o! you. Minus the !uture astronaut part. hy are you sittin in this shitty place97 It clicks !or him a!ter a moment an$ #ellamy -ushes re$ with em%arrassment. 6IHI $i$n/t mean7 #ut when @aen/s cool a+e $oesn/t so!ten un$er his !oun$erin. hen he reali+es he lacks the articulation to apoloi+e, #ellamy raises his han$s in surren$er, %ackin away !rom the %ar. 6I/m7 ?e %acks riht into another customer, sen$in a $rink crashin to the -oor. Clarke sees it all comin !rom a mile awayshe knows #ellamy is $runk an$ uncom!orta%le an$ e$y an$ she knows his next action %e!ore he $oes it. 0he &umps to her !eet, any $runken unstea$iness one, %ut #ellamy has alrea$y spun aroun$. 6Come on, man, pay attention to where you/re walkinF7 Eot the wisest moe. The uy $raws himsel! up to his !ull heiht, a hal!Hhea$ taller than the alrea$y tall #ellamy. I! that weren/t intimi$atin enouh, he has the lean, hunry look o! an athlete, packe$ with muscle throuhout his %o$y. ?is scarre$ knuckles curl into 5sts. 6hat $i$ you say97 he asks. 6I said, watch where you/re oin. n$ you shoul$ keep a %etter hol$ on your $rink. 6I $on/t take shit !rom ki$s who $on/t %elon in my %ar.7 ery wor$ is a threat. #ellamy/s whole %o$y tenses. 6Then %ack o<,7 #ellamy $ares.
The rest o! the roup su$$enly picks up on what/s happenin= they all moe at once. Murphy is on his !eet, rea$y. Dasper eyes an empty %ottle within his reach. ?is 5ners twitch. >ctaia reaches !orwar$ an$ twists her han$ into the %ack o! #ellamy/s shirt#ellamy $oesn/t seem to !eel it. 6#ell,7 >ctaia warns, so!tly. Clarke is at his si$e, tryin to ain his attention. 6#ellamy, come on. e/re 5ne. 0it $own.7 6?ey. Chill the !uck out.7 It/s @aen, har$ an$ serious. 6I swear to o$, any %loo$ hits my %ar/s -oor an$ I/ll kick %oth your asses.7 Eeither o! the men seem to hear any o! it. The other man li!ts his hea$, exposin his throat, daring #ellamy, while eery muscle stan$s taut an$ rea$y to snap. 6+incoln.” It comes !rom the %ack o! the %ar, lou$ enouh to carry oer the hea$ o! eery customer %ut somehow low an$ threatenin, a warnin call. Clarke %links in surprise when the man/s %o$y relaxes an$ he steps %ack in response to the oice. 0he/s een more surprise$ when she reisters that the oice was !eminine. Eo one moes except !or the man, who ies #ellamy one last snarl %e!ore turnin an$ stalkin %ack to the pool ta%le. The crow$ parts to let him throuh. hen he takes a seat at a ta%le aainst the !ar wall, they see the ta%le/s other occupant throuh the space in the crow$: the irl who calle$ him %ack. Most o! the %ar clientele has no i$ea what almost happene$ an$ continue their $rinkin an$ aruin an$ lauhin without interruption. Gra$ually, Clarke/s !rien$s allow themseles to release the tension in their muscles an$ they ease %ack to the %ar, Buiet amon each other. #ellamy assures >ctaia he/s 5ne. )inn leans !orwar$, mutterin almost into Clarke/s ear. 6Like I sai$,7 he tells her, oice low, 6The locals aren/t !ans o! collee ki$s. This is their neih%orhoo$ %ar. They can et*territorial.7 Clarke stu$ies the irl who stoppe$ the 5ht %e!ore it %ean. 0he/s all $ark hair an$ $ark eyeliner an$ $ark alcohol. Clarke can see what he/s sayin the way the irl slouches %ack with her $rink cra$le$ aainst her shoul$er, Clarke thinks she/s neer seen anyone wearin skinny &eans look so real
an$ so $anerous at the same time. The lare etche$ into her !ace is a clear warnin !or anyone who miht step !orwar$ to her. #ut the o$ka has thinne$ Clarke/s %loo$= she/s always %een %ra+en an$ riht now she can/t take that warnin as anythin less than a challene. 0he ra%s >ctaia/s wrist an$ pulls her !orwar$. 6C/mon.7 The walk oer is shorter than she thouhtthe irl watches her approach eery step o! the wayso Clarke $oesn/t really hae time to come up with anythin to say %e!ore they/re stan$in in !ront o! her. Clarke !ree+es, tryin to come up with somethin. 6Kh, hi.7 The irl raises an eye%row without response. Eext to her, the man who nearly $estroye$ #ellamy is eBually reticent. 6I/m Clarke, an$ this is >ctaia.7 They no$. 6Lexa,7 she says. 68ou met Lincoln.7 It/s not exactly welcomin. They !all silent, an$ she -icks her a+e up an$ $own Clarke/s %o$y, waitin expectantly. Clarke is $oin the same. In !act, thouh she %lames her own wretche$ communication skills partially on the o$ka, she/s also struck $um% %y how oo$ this irlLexalooks as she reclines in her chair as i! it/s a throne, 5ners restin aroun$ her lass on the ta%le. 0he/s lean, tone$, with lon les kicke$ up on the chair in !ront o! her. white tHshirt a si+e too %i hans loose !rom her slim %o$y= %eneath the collar, the e$e o! a %lack tattoo is &ust %arely isi%le, accentuatin the shape o! her collar%one an$ reachin up oer her shoul$er to her %ack. n artist hersel!, Clarke has a wil$ ure to reach !orwar$ an$ pull at the collar o! the shirt, to reeal more o! the interestin tattoo. 0he says a prayer o! thanks that she ha$ $ecline$ the multiple shots Dasper ha$ trie$ to et her to take earlier. Eonetheless, aainst the nonchalant style o! this irl, Clarke !eels su$$enly sel!Hconscious, oer$resse$ in her short skirt an$ silk top. 0he/s out o! her $epth herea rare experience. 0he woul$ hae continue$ apin $um%ly ha$ >ctaia not el%owe$ her in the si$e. 6e, uh*we &ust wante$ to apoloi+e. )or what happene$.7
>ctaia steps !orwar$ with an apoloetic smile, !ar more eloBuent. 68eah, my %rother can %e a %it o! an ass,7 she tells Lincoln. 6Aon/t take it personally.7 6n$ we wante$ to thank you !or callin it o<,7 Clarke a$$s, iin Lexa a hal!Hsmile. It anishes when it/s unreturne$. 6It...woul$n/t hae %een a pretty 5ht, at all.7 6It woul$n/t hae,7 Lexa arees eenly. 6Lincoln/s one o! the %est 5hters in the neih%orhoo$.7 n$ he has a whole ca$re o! ri++le$, muscular !rien$s stan$in %ehin$ him all o! whom, Clarke reali+es, hae stoppe$ what they/re $oin to watch this conersation. s i! another 5ht is a%out to %reak out. Clarke !orces hersel! to inore them, iin Lincoln a Buick lance %e!ore returnin her attention to Lexa. >ctaia is $oin enouh starin !or the %oth o! them anyway. 6?e looks like one. e7 6May%e i! you/re lookin to et in %ar 5hts, Clarke, you shoul$ stay closer to the uniersity. here you can win them.7 Irritation sparks up into Clarke/s chest. 6Eo one was lookin !or a 5ht. e/re &ust here to hae a $rink.7 6)ine.7 Li!tin her $rink, somethin plain an$ $ark in a low%all lass, Lexa heaes a sih o! impatience. 6e et a !ew rca$ia ki$s $own here at the %einnin o! eery semester. They all want to look cool %y comin to the shitty %ar in the shitty neih%orhoo$, instea$ o! your usual clu%s. Then they reali+e they $on/t really 5t in with the people who actually rew up in this neih%orhoo$, an$ they $on/t come %ack. I/ll sae you the trou%le o! 5urin that out !or yoursel!.7 hal!H$o+en possi%le replies &ump to her lips, %orne o! minle$ resentment !or an$ attraction to this irl an$ the aloo!, arroant a+e she 5xes Clarke with. ?er instinct wants to make Lexa smile, %ut her woun$e$ pri$e wants to see Lexa taken $own a pe. #ut %e!ore she can $eci$e either way, she !eels >ctaia stictaia can say somethin stupi$. 6@ear$less. e/ll %uy your next $rink.7
6Aon/t worry a%out it.7 0he %ites her tonue to compose hersel!. 6ain,7 she !orces out, this time to Lincoln. 60orry.7 Eeither Lexa nor Lincoln respon$. In !act, Lincoln hasn/t sai$ a $amn wor$. Clarke ra%s >ctaia/s wrist aain an$ pulls her away, %ristlin with irritation an$ a hot pricklin o! em%arrassment. 6>kay,7 >ctaia says, when they/re a sa!e $istance away, 6hat a %itch. The uy was hot, thouh. May%e I shoul$ -irt with him, that woul$ piss her o<.7 6e &ust aoi$e$ a %ar5ht, >, let/s not ie your %rother a reason to start another.7 #ut when they return to the roup, #ellamy looks on the e$e o! a 5ht anyway. 6hat were you $oin with them97 he asks, &aw tiht. 6poloi+in !or you,7 Clarke replies with a shru, slippin past him to sli$e into a %arstool. 0he/s $ealt with com%atie #ellamy #lake %e!ore, nothin she can/t han$le. !ew minutes o! simmerin, an$ he/ll %e 5ne. >ctaia, on the other han$, has alrea$y otten oer her irritation= she/s rinnin like she &ust ot o< a roller coaster. 6Clarke Grifn here isn/t Buite the $iplomat she thouht she was.7 6hateer,7 #ellamy conce$es. 6Eate an$ $am are on their way, they/ll %e here soon. Let/s take care o! the ta%s. I want to et out o! here.7 Clarke can/t say she $oesn/t !eel the same. 0he casts a lance %ack o! her shoul$er. Lexa is still nursin the same $rink, watchin Clarke oer the rim o! the lass with a %arely conceale$ challene in her eyes. )ou don’t belong here. n$ Clarke woul$ take that challene ninetyHnine times out o! a hun$re$. #ut not toniht. 0he keeps her !ace een an$ hol$s Lexa/s lare a little loner &ust to let her know that, then turns away. 68eah, it/s time to o.7 6w, you/re leain97 It/s )inn, &ust stri$in into earshot. hen they no$ an$ start pullin out cash to settle their ta%s, he o
hihliht o! my niht.7 The last part he $irects at Clarke, an$ it soothes a %it o! the %urn that the conersation with Lexa le!t in her throat. 6Dust one,7 she says, %eru$inly. @aen appears an$ starts settlin out the ta%s while )inn pours the 5nal $rinks o! the niht. >ctaia takes her %eer an$ tries to han$ the extra three $ollars to @aen, %ut the %arten$er pulls away. 6Aon/t worry a%out this last one, it/s pai$ !or.7 >ctaia/s %row knits in con!usion. 6I uess Linc accepte$ your apoloy,7 @aen says, no$$in to the en$ o! the %ar. Lincoln is leanin there, watchin the scene across the room intently= he inclines his hea$ slihtly when >ctaia ies him an unstea$y, shy smile o! thanks. hen she sees that, Clarke -ushes with relie!. 6>h oo$, we7 6Eot yours, #lon$ie.7 !ull smirk now erupts oer @aen/s !ace= she %ites $own on the tip o! her tonue in an attempt to hol$ it %ack. 6?e only pai$ !or hers. 0orry. 8ou still owe me three %ucks, that/s our %est $ra!t.7 ?er !rien$s erupt into $runk lauhter aroun$ her. Clarke triesan$ !ailsto look $ini5e$ as she slowly accepts the %eer an$ at least the %arten$er has the race to %ite %ack her amusement. en )inn is lauhin. Clarke inores them all as she sips her $rink, until #ellamy steps !orwar$ to pay !or it !or her. 0he ies a noise o! protest that he &ust rolls his eyes at. 6Aon/t ie me that, rincess, you know the rule.7 68ou/re aruin a !ree $rink rule97 )inn asks. 6It/s not a rule, it/s his cra+y tra$ition,7 Clarke clari5es. 6ery time we o out, no matter where we arehe %uys me a $rink.7 >ctaia snorts. 6?e shoul$. ?e owes you.7 6)oreer,7 #ellamy arees. Clarke is rollin her eyes aain, shakin her hea$, so Dasper sits !orwar$ to explain it to )inn. 60he sae$ his ass !rom ettin kicke$ out o! school %ack when we were !reshman. They hate$ each other, an$ she still sae$ him.7 6hat $i$ he $o97
6 hell o! a party.7 Aespite the eents o! that niht, #ellamy soun$s almost wist!ul until he receies a sharp el%ow to the ri%s, courtesy Clarke. )inn, howeer, is intriue$= no one else says anythin more, so he waits until Clarke 5nishes her $rink an$ ains her attention. 6I/ll hae to hear that story. ?ow a%out next time you come %ack97 0he sets her empty lass on the %ar, eaer to leae. 6Aeal.7 HHH Eate an$ $am await them outsi$e %y the time the roup 5nishes their %eers= #ellamy throws a !ew extra $ollars more than the reBuire$ tip on the %ar, an$ lea$s his !rien$s throuh the crow$ o! locals an$ out into the cool niht air. leen M is still relatiely early, %ut the last hal! hour %le$ them o! any $esire to continue the party. They pile into the two cars, eyeli$s heay an$ lim%s unwiel$y, lookin !orwar$ to the com!ort o! passin out in their own %e$s. In the !ront seat, $am an$ #ellamy talk Buietly a%out the %ar@aen, )inn, the cheap %oo+e, the anry reulars, the way Lincoln pai$ !or >ctaia/s 5nal $rink. Clarke knows that last story is $eli%erate on #ellamy/s part: $am/s ha$ a thin !or >ctaia since the 5rst time she slept oer on their couch her !reshman year. en in her ha+y state, Clarke rolls her eyes. 60o shoul$ I %rush up on my street 5htin so I can o with you uys next weeken$97 $am asks. 6Eot worth it to o %ack.7 #ellamy raises his oice to exten$ the conersation to the %ackseat. 6e/ll et you a !ake IA or somethin, >,7 he octaia, eyes close$, makes a noise o! areement an$ lolls her hea$ on to Clarke/s shoul$er. 6I know a uy,7 Murphy mum%les aainst the win$ow. 6/Course you $o. 0ee, Murphy knows a uy. e won/t nee$ to o %ack to that place.7 HHH xactly one week later, the next )ri$ay niht, Clarke receies a text !rom >ctaia.
9ctavia :;<=> ?#@< +et’s go bac$ to that place.
blood rush in the hazy low 5retestsol$ Chapter " Notes: I wrote this chapter in a col$ me$icineHin$uce$ !uue state so !orie any errors. lso, thank you !or the won$er!ul !ee$%ackF Much appreciate$. ChapterText
9ctavia :;<=> ?#@< +et’s go bac$ to that place.
0he heaes a $e!eate$ sih. (lar$e :;
>ctaia/s answer is almost instant. 9 :;
0he can/t see her $esk %eneath the text%ook, two note%ooks, loose papers, an$ pile o! hihlihte$ oca%ulary car$s scattere$ across it, thouh she knows somewhere amon the mess are two hal!H5nishe$ lap report writeH ups%oth $ue on the same $ay %ecause she ha$ the %riht i$ea to take car$iorespiratory physioloy an$ en$ocrinoloy %ackHtoH%ack on Thurs$ays. It/s all work she nee$s to take care o! this weeken$ or else surren$er her li!e plan o! %ecomin a sureon an$ resin hersel! to a li!e $rinkin in tiny $ie %ars on the wron si$e o! town. ( :;
It/s a aliant try. #ut een the %est arument is useless aainst >ctaia #lake. 9 :
0he looks !rom her phone to the stack o! papers on her $esk. Then the phone. Then the papers. 0he thinks a%out her !uture a !air %it, then reali+es she/s &ust $elayin the ineita%le answer.
( :
Clarke tries to %e rue!ul as she pushes her chair away !rom her $esk, %ut $eep $own, she knows she nee$s this. !ew hours hol$in a %eer instea$ o! stu$yin the %iomechanics o! a wrist an$ 5ners hol$in a %eer will $o her oo$. In accor$ance with >ctaia/s last text, Clarke takes extra time on her makeHup. n$ with each minute she spen$s ettin rea$y, her excitement to o out rows. 0he/ll hae to %uy >ctaia a $rink !or this. HHH Eo #ellamy means no car, which en$s up !or the %etter a!ter >ctaia $oes a Buick pu%lic transit search an$ 5n$s that the city train has a station &ust a !ew minutes !rom The Captain/s @oomit means eeryone in the crew she/s roun$e$ up can $rink in Clarke/s apartment %e!ore they leae. The !our shots Clarke takes kick in sometime $urin the hal!Hhour train ri$e, leain her %u++in an$ pleasantly warm. 0oon enouh, she can/t %ite %ack a smile at her !rien$s. This week, #ellamy an$ Murphy hae %een replace$ %y two o! >ctaia/s teammates, Monroe an$ )ox, who are always a oo$ time. The return o! Monty an$ Dasper roun$s out the roup per!ectly. There/s a rowin sense o! anticipation %etween the six o! them !or the hours ahea$a oo$ preame !oretells a oo$ niht outas the train ets !arther !rom the city center an$ the su%ur%anites ettin o< work empty out at each stop. #y the time they/e reache$ the !ar west si$e o! town, they/re surroun$e$ %y empty orane seats an$ Clarke/s !eelin the !ull e
n$ at the ery least, she woul$ hae like$ to !rustrate Lexa with her triumphant return. 9h well. The way )inn/s !ace lihts up when he spots her is a welcome new attraction an$ she makes her way in that $irection.
6>h, you hae no i$ea how much %etter my niht &ust ot,7 he calls at her approach, clearin a hal!H$o+en a%an$one$ lasses to !ree up the seats in !ront o! him. Clarke returns the sentiment with a sly smile. 60o that means I/m $rinkin !or !ree, riht97 6I $on/t know i! I want to risk @aen/s wrath when it comes to iin out !ree $rinks*7 ?e teases. 6I/m pro%a%ly worth it.7 6*May%e we/ll &ust keep it %etween us then,7 he relents with a lauh. >nce there/s a $rink in her han$, poure$ heay to compensate !or the !a$in ectaia/s teammates, an$ slips into easy conersation with )inn as the roup settles into the eenin. ith @aen hol$in $own the ma&ority o! the crow$, )inn/s !ree to work in !ront o! Clarke, entertainin her with anec$otes a%out the more color!ul reulars. 6n$ Gus, there.7 ?e points out a %urly man stan$in like a %ore$ sentry in the %ack o! the %ar. 6?e once shrue$ o< a taser, riht in the %ack alley here. Dust kept stan$in when it shocke$ him.7 6ho the hell tasere$ him97 Clarke asks. 6@aen.7 )inn lauhs. 6It was a %et. ?e ot a !ree weeken$ o! $rinkin !or it.7 6I 5n$ it har$ to %eliee @aen ma$e that %et.7 6h. 0he was new here.7 Lauhin, Clarke tries to imaine @aen !acin o< with an$ tasering the man )inn pointe$ out. ?er eyes rest on Gus !or only a !ew secon$s, %e!ore sli$in to the 5ure at his le!t: Lexa. 0he/s 5nishe$ her pool ame an$ now stan$s in a conersation with a !ew !rien$s, open an$ aaila%le !or Clarke to stu$y. 0he looks so sliht in the
smoky %ack section o! the %ar, surroun$e$ %y men who tower oer her an$ women who look like they coul$ match those men in a 5ht. Clarke won$ers how she $i$n/t spot Lexa in the 5rst place last week. Then aain, thouh, at 5rst lance she may look woe!ully out o! place, %ut &ust a !ew minutes o! o%seration shows that she seems to li$e throuh the crow$ with %lasJ con5$ence, the %est o! all o! them. They lauh when she lauhs, they scowl the instant she $arkens. 0he $oesn/t &ust 5t, she thries. 6re you thinkin a%out tryin to make !rien$s aain97 )inn asks, recapturin Clarke/s attention. There/s a smirk on his !acehe hasn/t !orotten last weeken$/s $iplomatic $isaster any more than she hasan$ she lets hersel! et lost in the cure o! that smile in or$er to !oret a%out Lexa. 6May%e I/m plannin an attack,7 she warns. ?e han$s her a new $rink. 6ell, see i! this makes you any more peace!ul 5rst.7 6Qo$ka neer $oes.7 6Goo$ to know.7 t lon last, @aen $isenaes !rom %anterin with a !ew uys $own the %ar an$ entures oer, shoul$erin into )inn with a no$ at Clarke an$ her !rien$s. 0he/s tuckin a $ecent tip into her %ack pocket. 6hat/s up, uys9 n$ where/s your tall han$some !rien$97 Dasper exaerates clearin his throat. 6I/m riht here,7 he says, leanin onto the %ar an$ iin a -irtatious raise o! his eye%rows. 6t your serice.7 Monroe roans, Clarke %oos, an$ Dasper $rops the !aPa$e in lauhter. ?e an$ Monty exchane hihH5es. @aen, howeer, &ust winks at him, smirkin a little. 6n$ I/m la$ !or it, han$some. #etter than the usuals we et in here. #ut I/m talkin a%out the other one. AarkHhaire$. hiskey $rinker. Kh, anry.7 6#ellamy,7 Clarke clari5es. 68eah, #ellamy. ?e want a &o% here9 ?e $oesn/t hae to know what he/s $oin.7 0he pats )inn/s chest. 60ince )inn here is leain me, I &ust nee$ some new mancan$y !or the !emale tippers.7
Clarke looks to )inn in surprise= he has !ocuse$ all his attention on slicin limes at the per!ect anle. 68ou/re leain97 ?e no$s without lookin up. 6My mom/s sick, %ack east. I/m moin %ack to help my sister take care o! her. Eothin too %a$, I &ust nee$ to %e out there.7 6>h.7 0he thouht she/$ at least et a !ew !un, easy $ates out o! this. Eothin too complicate$. 6I/m sorry.7 6It/s 5ne, it/ll %e 5ne. #ut, uh, toniht/s my last shi!t.7 ?er $isappointment must %e isi%le on her !ace %ecause when he lances at her, )inn smiles an$ makes her an o
Clarke consi$ers tellin him, an$ then she enisions the ein %urstin in his !orehea$ when he 5n$s out where his sister is. ( :>
0he thinks a%out the massie pile o! work she has alrea$y a%an$one$ once this weeken$. ( :> ?#@< ouldn’t miss it. F :>
t this, Clarke rolls her eyes to her riht to roan at >ctaia a%out her %rother. There must %e some secret nearH$eath experience in her chil$hoo$ that neither o! the #lakes will speak a%out. #ut >ctaia/s onenowhere in the icinity. Clarke reali+es she $oesn/t know how lon >ctaia/s chair has %een empty, either. 0he/s always ha$ a preternatural talent !or $isappearin at !rat parties, o! course, %ut why een %other $rain eeryone %ack here i! she wasn/t oin to $rink with them9 6Monty, where/s >97 Monty points. Then Clarke un$erstan$s. >ctaia/s in one corner o! the %ar, wrappe$ in the uy !rom last week, Lincoln= her %ack is presse$ aainst the wall, her han$s 5ste$ in his tHshirt, her lips lue$ to his. #ut $espite the way he towers oer her, it/s ery clear that she is the one lea$in the kiss. !ter a hal!Hsecon$ o! shock, Clarke nearly starts lauhin, all alarm one. ( :>
It shows a won$er!ul amount o! restraint. ithout waitin !or a response, Clarke shoes her phone %ack into her purse an$ whips aroun$ to !ace the %ar, where @aen waits with the expectant a+e o! a eteran %arten$er. Clarke nee$s one, %ecause i! >ctaia/s hain !un, she miht as well, too. 6lriht, time !or a stroner $rink. hat/re you %est at makin97 64new you/$ come aroun$, Grifn.7 It/s clear @aen $oesn/t et much opportunity to showcase her $rinkH makin skillsthis crow$ isn/t the type to appreciate anythin more complicate$ than a &ack an$ cokeso she oercompensates %y cra!tin a la%orHintensie mo&ito with scienti5c precision an$ artistic -air. >nce Clarke takes a sip an$ ies @aen an appreciatie no$, she moes onto to the next roun$ o! $rinks, pourin re$ an$ %lue alcohol into shot lasses too Buickly !or anyone to rea$ the la%els on the %ottles. 6I call it ?y$ra+ine,7 @aen says prou$ly, toppin the purple shots o< with $ashes o! o$ka. hen she/s met with %lank stares, her rin turns to a rimace. 6C/mon, seriously9 I can/t %eliee I hae to explain this eery time. ?y$ra+ine is rocket !uel. @e$ a%sinthe, %lue curacao, a little hihHproo! o$ka -oate$ on top !or the %urn. I! we were up at one o! your !ancy collee %ars, I/$ een liht it on 5re !or you.7
0hruin, Clarke throws %ack the shot. 0he nearly chokes@aen miht as well hae set it on 5re, the way it %urns her throat oin $own. 6>h my o$,7 she asps out, iin the %arten$er a look o! %etrayal an$ $isust. ll @aen can $o is lauh. 6eraes to aroun$ a hun$re$ an$ !orty proo!, %a%y. Aon/t worry, once you hae a !ew, you et use$ to them.7 6?y$ra+ine, huh97 Monty pulls his wallet !rom his pocket, 5shes out a twenty, an$ throws it on the %ar. 6hat other $rinks $o you hae that/ll %low people up97 It/s more than enouh to pay !or another roun$ o! shots, %ut he waes her o< when she o
school an$ i! she coul$ milk it !or money, she woul$, %ut mostly it/s oo$ !or party tricks. n$ impressin %arten$ers, she reali+es, when she looks up an$ sees )inn applau$in. This time she does twirl the pool cue with a cocky smile. )inn has set three %eers on the ta%le nearest them, enticin them oer. 68ou know they %asically own that pool ta%le, riht9 Lexa/s %een a part o! this %ar loner than I hae.7 Clarke rolls her eyes, so har$ that may%e the room tilts a little un$er her !eet. >r may%e it/s the alcohol. Eonetheless, 6I/$ like to see her try to take it %ack.7 @aen lets loose a %ark o! lauhter !rom !arther up the %ar. 6lease tell me when the $anceHo< is oin to startF Go$ knows we coul$ use some entertainment.7 Knpertur%e$, Clarke uses all her $runk eloBuence to persua$e her !rien$s into a thir$ ame that starts as well as the last two $i$. In !act, the 5rst time she scu
Clarke toys with a cherry stem, knottin it an$ unknottin it with her tonue as she waits !or her !rien$s to reroup. nother useless, partyHtrick talent that speaks to the time she/s spent in %ars. !ter a !ew minutes, @aen captures her attention when she walks past with a tray o! $rinks %oun$ !or the %ack o! the %ar. 0he watches Lexa take one, watches @aen say somethin to her. atches Lexa/s a+e -ick oer to Clarke an$ Clarke reali+es she/s hol$in her %reath. 20he lets it out, !rownin a little at hersel!.3 #eyon$ the lance, Lexa ies no other acknowle$ement when she ets her $rink= naturally, neither $oes the rest o! the roup. They step %ack !rom the %ar with their $rinks an$ return to their ame an$ Lexa een sets the $rink asi$e without tastin it. It/s in!uriatin in an o$$ way= they accepte$ an olie %ranch an$ then were too prou$ to use it. It/s the 5rst little wrinkle in her otherwise smooth niht. #ut, whatever. 0he has more important thins to entertain hersel! with than ainin the approal o! a irl she har$ly knows. )ox has returne$ !rom her !oray to the &uke%ox, promisin a series o! oo$ sons. Buick search !or >ctaia reeals her to %e in the same place, with the same uy. n$ Monty/s $oin car$ tricks now, %ouncin %etween patrons an$ tryin to earn a lauh, with Dasper !ollowin as his narrator. Clarke knows she shoul$ pro%a%ly rein them in %ut she/s lauhin too, lihtHhea$e$, happy, -oatin. 0he watches a couple whisperin toether in one o! the three %ooths alon the opposite wall. Then her a+e !ollows a man who stum%les %y, somehow miraculously aoi$in spillin any o! his %eer. 0he $oes a scan !or her !rien$s, makes sure they/re okay, then amuses hersel! aain with the crow$. The time passes unnotice$ this way. #ut in the en$, all her people watchin always $raws her %ack to the same spot, the same irl with the same $rink that has at this point may%e ha$ one or two sips taken out o! it. Clarke has 5nishe$ three whole o$ka so$as %y now. Isn/t that a ru$e thin to $o9 Eot $rink somethin someone %uys !or you9 $mitte$ly, she can/t remem%er the speci5cs o! that piece o! social etiBuette %ut she/s pretty sure it/s ru$e. t least, it is in her %ook. It/s all #ellamy/s !ault, really, i! he ha$n/t starte$ a 5ht with >ctaia/s current toy, Lexa woul$n/t %e so*
%he still won’t drin$ it. %tupid proud local.
0houl$ she o oer an$ say somethin9 0he/s really not sure i! the 5rst wor$s out o! her mouth woul$ %e -irtin or 5htin. The o$ka in her system as le!t her on a $anerous kni!eHe$e %etween the two wheneer she 5n$s hersel! lookin oer at the irl. 0omethin else enters her consciousness, her 5el$ o! ision. Lon, shiny $ark hair, sharp cheek%ones>ctaia. >ctaia/s %ack. Clarke !urrows her %row an$ !ocuses har$ to %rin hersel! %ack to the present an$ away !rom her resentment. 6?eyyy, >,7 she says, corners o! her mouth twitchin. 6?ow is your 5rst taste o! oxyen in oer two hours97 60o $amn oo$,7 >ctaia says, still a little %reathless, as she reliees Clarke o! her %eer an$ takes a lon $rink. 0he han$s %ack the empty lass, inorin Clarke/s %lurryHeye$ lare. 6Ain/it een hae the $inity to et $runk with us.7 Dasper swin into the roup, catchin himsel! on Monty/s shoul$er. ?e waes a 5ner at >ctaia. 6I/m $isappointe$, #lake.7 )ox rins. 60he ha$ %ier thins on her min$.7 6Much %ier, as !ar as I coul$ tell,7 >ctaia says with a wink at her teammate. ?er kissHswollen lips sprea$ into a smirk when her !rien$s roan in unison. 6@aenF >ctaia/s so%erF7 Dasper calls, still octaia asks. @aen, lookin particularly mischieous, takes Clarke/s empty %eer lass an$ mixes more than a $ou%le shot o! her purple sinature an$ han$s it to >ctaia an$ Clarke wants to warn her, %ut her lips are too num% to !orm anythin except a so!t ile.
>ctaia throws the shot %ack an$ somehow manaes to keep a straiht !ace when she $oes itthouh her 5st clenches har$ !or seeral secon$s. 0he puts the empty lass $own on the %ar with a casual shru. 6Aamn, >ctaia. )irst you et Lincoln, now you/re $ownin my sinature shot like you/e $one it all your li!e. re you sure you/re not !rom this neih%orhoo$9 8ou/re a champ.7 0tokin her pri$e is one way to encourae another roun$ o! shots= stokin competition %etween teammates an$ !rien$s is another. 0oon enouh, the entire roup is or$erin more ?y$ra+ine shots een as the clock ticks past mi$niht. #ut %y the time >ctaia/s 5rst wae o! intoxication hits, the niht $ips $ownwar$. Monroe/s tappin out: 60ome uy &ust ra%%e$ my ass an$ I/m a%out to kick his !or it.7 n$ Monty has reache$ the point where he/s startin to hit on irls with eBual !reBuency as Dasper, an$ Clarke knows een now that when they hit that point, it/s time to retreat. It takes some ectaia/s willin to hea$ !or the $oor once she reali+es the room is spinnin aroun$ her. entually, they/re all leanin on each other in the col$ niht air. ?ome. HHH The rhythmic clackin o! the train oer the tracks an$ the %ackHan$H!orth rockin o! the car is $anerous at this point in the eenin, as ei$ence$ %y the way her !rien$s splay out on the %enches aroun$ the empty car. They passe$ out almost the minute the train starte$ moin. Clarke 5hts to stay awake, only %ecause she knows that i! she $oesn/t, this roup will miss their stop an$ sleep the niht away as the train $oes circuits aroun$ the city. >ctaia is the only other person not layin across multiple chairs. Instea$, she/s nestle$ into Clarke/s shoul$er, eyes shut, in one o! her rare $isplays o! $runken actaia #lake nee$s. 0he shrus her shoul$er in la+y response an$ >ctaia/s hea$ %o%s, earnin a roan. 68ou $ick.7 That/s more like it.
6I really*.7 >ctaia takes a heay %reath. 6I*like Lincoln. ?e/s nice.7 6Is he97 Clarke murmurs %ack. 6I $i$n/t see you talkin.7 0he catches a !ew sylla%les o! some slurre$ o%scenities, an$ then, more clearly: 6ell we $i$. ?e/s ery nice, Clarke.7 6Mm. Goo$,7 she replies. >ctaia/s oice is too $reamy to &usti!y mentionin what ha$ happene$ %etween #ellamy an$ Lincoln %e!ore. 6Qery nice,7 she repeats. 6May%e we can o %ack sometime an$ you can*tal$ some more.7 6Aon/t nee$ to,7 she whispers throuh a smirk, 6Got his num%er.7 6ha97 Clarke !urrows her %row. 6e/re hanin out tomorrow niht.7 6#ell/s party*7 6t #ell/s party. #ecause let me tell you somethin, Clarke Grifn, my %rother $oes not control me. I $o what I want. ?ow I want. >r when. hateer.7 Clarke shushes her, pattin her knee to placate her, %ecause >ctaia a$ores the $rama o! an inspirational speech an$ has the ten$ency to launch into them wheneer possi%le. Clarke has hear$ the one a%out in$epen$ence a !ew too many times. >ctaia !alls Buiet a!ter a moment, her %o$y relaxin. Then: 68ou miiiiiht nee$ to help me out, thouh. >ooh*inite the hot %arten$erF7 That/s when she &olts awake. )inn. They ha$ le!t %e!ore his shi!t en$e$, she ha$n/t staye$ to talk to him, she ha$n/t otten his num%er so that they coul$ continue whateer was happenin %etween them a!ter his 5nal niht at the %ar. 0he lets the taste o! uilt an$ reret sit on her tonue !or a moment, then swallows it. 9h well. 0he can/t win them all.
HHH ?er alarm clock rea$s R:S.
In the eenin, un!ortunately. Kn!ortunate %ecause she/s still in rey sweats an$ mismatche$ socks an$ there is still a hanoer clinin to the %ase o! her skull. The kin$ o! linerin hanoer that makes oo$ $ays $ra an$ te$ious work next to impossi%le. 0till, she/s sol$iere$ throuh thirty paes o! rea$in an$ $e5nitions since she woke up at noon, so that/s somethin to cele%rate. In the kitchen %elow her room, her roommates are clatterin aroun$, %lastin music= she can hear the clinkin o! shot lasses in the lulls %etween sons. 0he/s $iscoere$ that ?arper an$ #ree always hae somethin to $o on a 0atur$ay niht, rear$less o! how much schoolwork theyor shemiht hae. That/s what she ets !or liin with %usiness ma&ors. 0he/s rea$yin !or an eenin in with a !ew $il an$ her a$ance oranic chemistry text%ook when ?arper/s oice -oats up the stairs. 6Claaaarrke,7 she sinHsons. 6hat are you wearin to the party9 It/s ?awaiian theme$F7 6EothinF7 she calls %ack, tryin to 5n$ she ha$ %een rea$in in the text%ook. #ree lets out a wol! whistle. Groanin, Clarke raises her oice aain. 6I meant, I/m stayin homeF Call me i! you nee$ a ri$e later.7 They won/t. They neer $o. 6Come on, lpha p/s are always !unF7 0he rimaces an$ loses her place in the text%ook !or oo$= lpha psilon is #ellamy/s !raternity, an$ she ha$ promise$ him last niht she/$ %e there. ?e/ll show up at her $oorstep, in a pineapple print shirt an$ rass skirt, i! she isn/t. 6)ine. #ut I/m not $ressin upF7 6Come $rinkF7 HHH The sliht %u++ she ets in her apartment eases her hanoer, until she crams into the !raternity house with #ree an$ ?arper at her si$e: the heat, the sweat, the poun$in music, an$ the scent o! alcohol has turne$ the air
so iscous it weihs $own upon her an$ makes her luns work to inhale, an$ she has to 5ht to sBuee+e %etween the %o$ies packe$ aainst each other in $arkness. It takes a !ew minutes %e!ore makes it throuh the thron o! people an$ spills into the %ack yar$, into the cool air, %ut the hea$ache is there !or oo$. 0he lost her roommates somewhere insi$e, %ut also mysteriously aine$ a re$ cup o! somethin, which will pro%a%ly %e $umpe$ $iscreetly into the %ushes soon. 6GrifnF7 #ellamy, in all his lory: he/s not wearin a rass skirt, &ust a pair o! %oar$ shorts an$ a hell o! a straw hat, an$ a%out eiht or nine multicolore$ leis coerin his %are chest. Dohn Murphy, Eate, an$ $am -ank him, eer loyal roommates. They throw their arms wi$e to welcome Clarke in. Eathan han$s Clarke a cup that she actually trusts, so she tosses the ol$ one asi$e. 6hat $o you think o! the party97 #ellamy asks, esturin aroun$ it. 6It/s not Buite the lecture hall %ash o! !reshman year*7 6Thank o$.7 6I remem%er that,7 $am says wist!ully. 6t least, I remem%er the a!termath.7 Murphy lauhs. 6I remem%er up some%o$y ot the porn on the pro&ector. !ter that is %lack.7 68ou all still owe me !or that,7 she says, takin a sip o! the sickeninly sweet $rink Eate ae her. 6I know, I know, rincess.7 #ellamy takes one o! the leis aroun$ his neck an$ $rapes it oer her hea$. 6?ere you o.7 0he warns him %e!ore he can $o anythin. 6I swear, i! you make some &oke a%out ettin lei/$7 ?e looks on the ere o! it, %ut %ites the comment %ack solemnly an$ han$s her a %eer. 6n$ here is the tra$itional !ree $rink.7 The new, mature, senior #ellamy. It/s nice. 6I7 6Aamn, Clarke. 8ou nee$ to et lei/$, apparently,7 Murphy says. er loyal.
s she walks away, she can hear them lauhin an$ hihH5in %ehin$ her. ny other niht she woul$ hae %een lauhin too, $runk on terri%lyHmixe$ pia cola$as %y now, %ut somethin a%out toniht isn/t clickin. 0he tru$es up a staircase that lea$s to the secon$H-oor $eck, an$ looks $own oer the party. >nly %its an$ pieces o! it are isi%le, lit %y tiki torches scattere$ throuhout the yar$. 0he spots >ctaia on the !rine o! a crow$ aroun$ a %eer pon ame an$ watches her raise her cup up an$ cheer. Then >ctaia turns to the uy stan$in %esi$e her: Lincoln. Clarke lauhs out lou$. >ctaia actually $i$ it, an$ Lincoln actually showe$ up to a collee party with a irl he met in a %ar. ?e een $resse$ !or it, wearin an o%noxious %lue an$ white ?awaiian print shirt. ?e/s smilin as he talks to her. May%e Clarke ha$ mis&u$e$ him. The cheap party alcohol %urns in her throat as she 5nishes her $rink. nother hal! hour, may%e, an$ she can hea$ home. 0he/ll o %ack $ownstairs, reet Lincoln an$ >ctaia, 5nishin her reBuire$ appearances, an$ make it %ack to her un5nishe$ la% report %e!ore 11:(. >r may%e* I! Lincoln is here, she reasons, may%e she can %e there. It/s like a switch. It/s een, riht9 Go$, een now she can tell it/s $runk loic. It still $oesn/t stop her. HHH #askin in the !ree$om o! anonymity, she lets out a contente$ sih once she/s in her seat with her han$ aroun$ a col$, simple rum an$ coke. 0he $iscar$e$ the lei somewhere on the train ri$e oer, an$ with it, her hea$ache. The atmosphere o! The Captain/s @oom is surprisinly mute$ compare$ to her preious two tripsthere are empty chairs all aroun$ her. May%e she an$ her !rien$s were the source o! the noise, then. 0he rimaces at the thouht, howeer inane it miht %e, an$ takes another lon sip. 0he's tryin to rea$ the la%els that line the %ottles on the sinle shel! %ehin$ the %ar when a cool oice %reaks the Buiet aroun$ her.
8ou're %ack. 0omehow, she knows who it is %e!ore she turns= she 5xes an een mask on her !ace %e!ore she lances oer to see Lexa two seats away. ?er hair is tie$ %ack in a %rai$ toniht, exposin %are shoul$ers %eneath a %lack tanktop. The irl han$s oer a twenty to @aen an$ waits !or her chane, watchin Clarke all the while. I'm %ack, Clarke arees when Lexa o
I $on't think you can $rink alcohol with your &aw wire$ shut, I mean. Thanks, @aen. 8ou're welcome. #eer or another $rink9 0he $elays !or a moment, returnin to her attempts to rea$ the %ottle la%els as she consi$ers @aen's a$ice. Then: ?ey, LexaF That is the exact opposite o! what I &ust tol$ you, @aen mutters, exasperate$. Clarke pays her no attention an$ turns initinly in Lexa's $irection, watchin the irl pull up !rom a pool shot= irritation is etche$ in eery line o! her %o$y. ?er !rien$s look %etween their lea$er an$ this %lon$e interloper with surprise an$ somethin resem%lin curiosity. Lexa, on the other han$, hol$s her pool cue the way one miht hol$ a weapon. It rolls o< Clarke's %ack like water. hat're you $rinkin9 Lexa lances to her lass. ...Eeroni. er!ect, neer ha$ one. @aen9 @aen wears a petulant lare. Aon/t know what you/re tryin to proe, Grifn. Eonetheless, she mixes the $rink. Clarke $oesn/t look oer aain, %ut out o! the corner o! her eye she can see Lexa watchin her. Truth!ully, Clarke isn't sure what she's tryin to proe. 0he's not een sure what she's $oin. #ut it's immensely satis!yin to challene a irl who seems so untoucha%le. n$ then she puts her lips on the lass @aen han$s her 2a!ter a Buick toast across the %ar to Lexa, still watchin3 an$ &ust barely tastes the $rink %e!ore she/s pullin it away !rom her lips. It tastes like it/s straiht out o! the o$!ather, %itter an$ smoky an$ ma$e !or people who take themseles way too seriously. The $ark %rown $rink nearly splashes out o! the lass when she sets it %ack on the %ar. There/s a wi$e smirk on Lexa/s !ace. 6The hell is wron with you97 Clarke $eman$s, %ut she can/t hol$ %ack a lauh either. Lexa &ust raises her own lass %ack to Clarke an$ $rinks it $own. It/s more a mockery, a challene %ack, than Clarke woul$ like, %ut still. Col$ an$ $anerous as she may %e, she/s a pretty irl in a %ar an$ the siht o! her lips twistin up instea$ o! $own is incre$i%ly welcome. n$ the liht in her
