The Psychology of
High Self-Esteem A Life-Changing Program for Personal Growth
Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D.
1986 Nightingale-Conant Corporation 7330 North Lehigh Avenue Chicago, IL 60648 U.S.A. 1-800-323-5552
Table of Contents Introduction..........................................................................................................................3 Living Consciously..............................................................................................................3 Exercise 1 – Living Consciously.....................................................................................3 Self-Acceptance...................................................................................................................4 Exercise 2 – Self-Acceptance..........................................................................................4 Exercise 3 – Self-Acceptance..........................................................................................6 Exercise 4 – Self-Acceptance..........................................................................................7 Assessing Behavior..............................................................................................................7 Exercise 5 – Assessing Behavior.....................................................................................7 Liberation from Guilt...........................................................................................................8 Exercise 6 – Liberation from Guilt..................................................................................8 Exercise 7 – Liberation from Guilt..................................................................................8 Exercise 8 – Liberation from Guilt..................................................................................8 Exercise 9 – Liberation from Guilt..................................................................................9 Integrating Your Younger Selves.......................................................................................10 Exercise 10 – Integrating Your Younger Selves.............................................................10 Exercise 11 – Integrating Your Younger Selves.............................................................12 Living Responsibly............................................................................................................13 Exercise 12 – Living Responsibly.................................................................................13 Exercise 13 – Living Responsibly.................................................................................14 Exercise 14 – Living Responsibly.................................................................................15 Living Authentically..........................................................................................................15 Exercise 15 – Living Authentically................................................................................15 Exercise 16 – Living Authentically................................................................................16 The Difference It Makes....................................................................................................17 Exercise 17 – Self-Esteem and Values...........................................................................17 Exercise 18 – Conscious Living and Acceptance..........................................................18 Exercise 19 – Vices and Virtues.....................................................................................19 Exercise 20 – Integration of Self-Concept.....................................................................19 Exercise 21 – Responsible Living .................................................................................20 Exercise 22 – Authentic Living......................................................................................20 Exercise 23 – Benevolence and Growth........................................................................21
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Introduction
The Psychology of High Self-Esteem By Nathaniel Branden, Ph.D. This workbook is a guide to self-discovery. All of the exercises within its pages are mentioned in your cassette program, but you cannot expect to receive the full benefit of the tapes if you don’t actually sit down and do the exercises. The workbook is included to help speed you along your path of personal growth, and to facilitate your active involvement in your own development. The sentence-completion technique, which makes up the majority of these exercises, was developed as a tool to bring about self-discovery, self-expression and self-healing. It is a remarkably effective way of doing a form of therapy at your own pace and on your own time. With repeated use, the exercises in this program will bring you greater insight and a deeper understanding of a very important person in your life—and that personal is you. You will see that each set of exercises corresponds to a specific tape side. You may want to read through this workbook before you begin the tapes, or you might prefer to listen to a tape side and then do the corresponding exercises. The order in which you do your listening and your writing does not matter. What matters is that you do commit yourself to full participation in this program. DO NOT WRITE DIRECTLY IN THIS BOOK. We suggest you do all the exercises in a separate workbook. In this way, you can repeat the exercises as many times as you wish. You may find it very interesting to read back in your workbook and see how your responses change over the course of months or years. For exercises using the sentencecompletion technique, just copy the sentence stems from the following pages onto pages of your own workbook. Give yourself room to write at least six to ten endings for each sentence stem. If you are willing to become engaged in the process of your personal growth—this is the perfect program for you. You will soon discover an amazing truth. You know much more than you presently think. You are about to embark on a voyage into your self; you will emerge more alive, more capable of achievement, love and joy.
Living Consciously Exercise 1 – Living Consciously Prepare two lists. In list one, identify the areas in your life in which you operate with the most consciousness. In list two, note the areas where you operate with the least consciousness. Identify at least three areas to improve on with regard to your level of consciousness. Meditate on what seems to be difficult about staying in high-level mental focus in these areas.
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List 1
List 2
Then, for each of the areas in list two, write these sentence stems, each at the top and on separate pages, and then, as rapidly as possible, and without censoring your thoughts, write six to ten endings. Repeat these steps for the three sentence stems that follow for all the areas in the list.
The hard thing about staying fully conscious here is 1. The good thing about not being fully conscious here is 1. If I were to stay fully conscious here 1.
Self-Acceptance Exercise 2 – Self-Acceptance Write six to ten endings as rapidly as you can for each of the following sentence stems. Don’t worry if your ending is literally true, or if one ending conflicts with another. None of your endings are carved in stone. This is merely an exercise—an experiment. It’s not easy for me to be self-accepting when I 1. It’s not easy for me to admit that 1.
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One of my emotions I have trouble accepting is 1. One of the thoughts I tend to push out of my mind is 1. One of the things about my body I have trouble accepting is 1. If I were more accepting of my body 1. If I were more accepting of the things I have done 1. If I were accepting of my feelings 1. If I were more honest about my wants and needs 1. The scary thing about being self-accepting is 1. If other people saw me being more self-accepting 1. The good thing about being self-accepting might be 1. I am becoming aware 1. I am beginning to feel 1. As I learn to stop denying my experiences 1. As I breathe deeply and allow myself to experience self-acceptance 1.
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Exercise 3 – Self-Acceptance It takes courage to admit that we like ourselves—faults or no faults, shortcomings or no shortcomings. Here is a simple sentence-completion exercise that will allow you to explore this issue and figure out where you now stand. One of the things I dislike about myself is 1. One of the things I like about myself is 1. I like myself least when I 1. I like myself most when I 1. Mother gave me a view of myself as 1. Father gave me a view of myself as 1. When I feel disliked 1. When I’m proud of something no one else cares about or understands 1. If I were to admit how much I secretly like myself 1. The good thing about pretending to dislike myself is 1. The scary thing about admitting that I like myself, faults or no faults, is 1. I am becoming aware 1. If any of what I’m writing is true 1.
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If I were willing to breathe deeply and allow myself to experience the joy of being 1.
Exercise 4 – Self-Acceptance Make a list of six facts about yourself that you have difficult accepting completely. Remember that accepting doesn’t mean liking. Then, for each item, write six to ten endings for each of the following sentence stems.
Then, for each item, write six to ten endings for each of the following sentence stems.
The hard thing about accepting this is 1. If I were to accept this completely 1. If it turns out that the truth is the truth, whether I accept it or not 1. I am becoming aware 1.
Assessing Behavior Exercise 5 – Assessing Behavior The maintenance of personal integrity is of great importance to your self-evaluation. When your behavior expresses your professed values, you have integrity. Here is a sentence-completion exercise to help you explore this issue. Write six to ten endings for each sentence stem.
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I most feel I have integrity when I 1. Sometimes I diminish my integrity when I 1. I like myself most when I 1. I like myself least when I 1. When I fail my standards, I tell myself 1. I would be easier for me to live up to my standards if 1.
Liberation from Guilt Exercise 6 – Liberation from Guilt Think of some negative attributes you ascribe to yourself. Then, for each item, think of three situations in life in which you do not exhibit it, and actually manifest the opposite behavior. Do this exercise by making notes for every negative trait you’re inclined to attribute to yourself. Here is an example: I am not friendly, but I am friendly with people who seem lonely. I make friends with the grocer and others I see when I do errands. I am friendly with animals. 1.
Exercise 7 – Liberation from Guilt In Exercise 6, you examined the negative attributes that you ascribe to yourself, and the situations in which you manifest them. Now, think of three alternate responses you might bring to those situations. 1.
Exercise 8 – Liberation from Guilt Think about some action, or inaction, for which you reproach yourself. Then complete the following sentence stems, writing six to ten endings for each one. Don’t allow selfcriticism or self-censorship to interfere. Let the endings write themselves, whether or not they initially seem to make sense. 8
If I were to look fully at what I {did or failed to do} [pick one and then erase the other] 1. When I did what I did, I told myself 1. One of the things I might learn from the experience is 1. If I were willing to see what I see right now 1. One of the ways to avoid this mistake in the future is 1. If I were to remain as conscious as I am right now 1. I would like myself more if I 1. When I act against what I understand perfectly well 1. I am becoming aware 1. As I become more willing to understand what I am writing 1.
Exercise 9 – Liberation from Guilt Two factors seem present whenever we experience defensiveness or guilt about positives: fear of self-responsibility and fear of isolation or aloneness. It takes courage to be honest about our assets as well as our shortcomings. Here are some sentence stems to help explore this issue. Write six to ten endings for each one. If I have trouble accepting any asset of mine, it might be 1.
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When I feel defensive about positives 1. The scary thing about admitting my pride in my accomplishments is 1. When I encounter envy or jealousy 1. If I hide who I am through fear 1. If I am asked to apologize for my {good looks or intelligence, or possessions or achievements} [choose one, then erase the others, and direct your completions to the most pertinent stem for you] 1. If I were to admit the things for which I feel proud 1.
Integrating Your Younger Selves Exercise 10 – Integrating Your Younger Selves When unrecognized, misunderstood, rejected or abandoned, a child-self can turn into a “trouble maker” that obstructs our growth as well as our enjoyment of living. Sentencecompletion work is an advanced and powerful tool for awakening your awareness of your child-self and facilitating integration. Write six to ten endings for each sentence stems, working as rapidly and uncritically as you can, inventing when need be to keep the momentum going. When I was five years old 1. When I was ten years old 1. If I recall how the world seemed when I was very young 1. If I recall how my body felt when I was very young 1. If I recall how people seemed when I was very young 1. 10
With my friends I felt 1. When I felt lonely, I 1. When I felt excited, I 1. If I recall how life seemed when I was very young 1. If the child in me could speak, {he or she} [choose one] might say 1. One of the things I had to do to survive as a child was 1. One of the ways I treat my child-self as my father did is 1. One of the ways I treat my child-self as my mother did is 1. When the child within feels ignored by me 1. When the child within feels criticized by me 1. One of the ways my child-self sometimes gets me into trouble is 1. I suspect I am operating out of my child-self when I 1. If my child-self were to feel accepted by me 1. Sometimes, the hard thing about fully accepting the child within is 1. If I were more forgiving of my child-self 1.
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I would be kinder to the child within if I were to 1. If I were to listen to the things my child-self needs to tell me 1. If I fully accept the child within as a valuable part of me 1. I am becoming aware 1. When I look at myself from this perspective 1.
Exercise 11 – Integrating Your Younger Selves Here is a more advanced way to work on the territory opened up in the sentence stems of Exercise 10. As usual, provide six to ten endings to complete each sentence stem. This exercise is effective for exploring your child-self at any age—right through the teenage years.
When I was [] years old 1. One of the things my []-year-old self needs from me and has never gotten is 1. When my []-year-old self tries to talk to me 1. If I were willing to listen to my []-year-old self with acceptance and compassion 1. If I refuse to be there for my []-year-old self 1. At the thought of reaching back to help my []-year-old self 1.
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Living Responsibly Exercise 12 – Living Responsibly Avoiding self-responsibility victimizes us. It leaves us helpless. By contrast, embracing self-responsibility can be an exhilarating and empowering experience. It places our life back in our own hands. The following sentence-completion exercise brings the point home with speed and clarity. Sometimes, when things aren’t going so well, I make myself helpless by 1. The good thing about making myself helpless is 1. Sometimes I try to avoid responsibility by blaming 1. Sometimes I keep myself passive by 1. Sometimes I use self-blame to 1. If I took more responsibility when working 1. If I took more responsibility for the success of my relationships 1. If I took responsibility for every word I say 1. If I took responsibility for my feelings 1. If I took responsibility for my actions, moment by moment 1. If I took responsibility for my happiness [my psychological enjoyment of life] 1. If the only meaning in my life is the meaning I am willing to create 1.
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If I were willing to breathe deeply and fully experience my own power 1. If I were willing to see what I see and know what I know 1. Right now it is very clear that 1.
Exercise 13 – Living Responsibly Imagine a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 signifying what you would regard as optimal selfresponsibility and 1 signifying the lowest conceivable level of self-responsibility. Rate yourself on each item listed below. Today’s date Your health Your emotions Your choice of lovers Your choice of spouse Your choice of friends The level of consciousness you bring to your work The level of consciousness you bring to your relationships Your way of treating people in general Your intellectual development Your emotional development Your character Your happiness [psychological enjoyment of life] Your self-esteem
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Then provide endings to the sentence stem below for whatever area(s) you regard as requiring more self-responsibility.
One of the ways I can take more responsibility with regard to this area is to 1.
Exercise 14 – Living Responsibly If there are areas in your life, right now, in which you practice a higher level of selfresponsibility than you do in others, those are also the areas in which you like yourself most. The areas in which you most avoid responsibility are the areas in which you like yourself least. The following sentence-completion exercise will verify this for you. I practice great self-responsibility when I 1. I most avoid self-responsibility when I 1. When I am self-responsible I feel 1. When I avoid self-responsibility I feel 1. If any of what I am writing is true 1. I am becoming aware 1.
Living Authentically Exercise 15 – Living Authentically Using, once again, a scale from 1 to 10,k with 10 representing the highest level of authenticity and 1 representing the lowest level conceivable, rate yourself on each of these items.
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Today’s date I generally am honest with myself about what I am feeling, accepting my emotions, experiencing them, without necessarily being compelled to act on them. I generally am honest with others about my feelings, in contexts in which talking about feelings is appropriate. I consciously strive to be truthful and accurate in my communications. I talk comfortably, openly and straightforwardly about the things I like, admire and enjoy. If I am hurt or upset, I talk about this with honesty and dignity. I stick up for myself and honor my own needs and interests. I allow other people to see my excitement. If I know I’m wrong, I acknowledge this simply and candidly. I feel that the self I experience internally is the self I present to the world.
Exercise 16 – Living Authentically How might you feel, how might you experience yourself, if you choose to live more authentically? You can explore this territory further with sentence-completion exercise. Write six to ten endings for each of the following sentence stems. The hard thing about being honest about my feelings with others is 1. The hard thing about being honest about what I’m feeling with myself is 1. If I strove for truth and accuracy in my communications 1. If I talked openly about the things I like, admire and enjoy 1. If I were honest about feelings hurt, angry or upset 1.
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If I were willing to show others my excitement 1. If I were honest about it when I knew I was wrong 1. If I were willing to let people hear the music inside of me 1. When I think of what I surrender for fear of being condemned 1. When I think of what I surrender for fear of being laughed at 1. If I were willing to experiment with being a little more authentic every day 1.
The Difference It Makes The following sentence-completion exercises will tell you a good deal about what you have absorbed from this program so far—and will show you areas to work on further.
Exercise 17 – Self-Esteem and Values If I look at the criteria by which I judge myself 1. If no one can give me good self-esteem except myself 1. If I choose to understand what good self-esteem depends on 1. One of the things I can do to raise my self-esteem is 1. If I do not exist to serve other people 1. If other people do not exist to serve me 1. If my life belongs to me 1. 17
If I really do have a right to exist 1. If self-sacrifice won’t buy me self-esteem 1. I am becoming aware 1.
Exercise 18 – Conscious Living and Acceptance If I allow myself to understand the meaning of living consciously 1. If I am not yet fully ready to live consciously 1. If I were willing to know what I’m doing when I act 1. If I were willing to see what I see and know what I know 1. As I learn to accept myself 1. One of the things I need to learn to accept is 1. As I give up fighting myself 1. As I breathe into my feelings rather than resist them 1. As I learn to own my actions 1. I am becoming aware 1.
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Exercise 19 – Vices and Virtues If it turns out that living with guilt is a cop-out 1. If I were willing to forgive myself 1. As I seek to understand why I act as I do 1. As I learn to live by my own standards 1. If I refuse to apologize for my virtues 1. If I am honest about my assets 1. If I take pleasure in myself 1. If I admit that I like myself 1.
Exercise 20 – Integration of Self-Concept As I learn to embrace my child-self 1. As I learn to embrace my teenage-self 1. If I disown the person I once was 1. If I make friends with all the parts of me 1. I am beginning to see that 1.
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Exercise 21 – Responsible Living If I take full responsibility for my actions 1. If I take full responsibility for the things I say 1. If I persist in blaming other people 1. If I insist on seeing myself as a victim 1. If I accept that my happiness is mine alone to achieve 1.
Exercise 22 – Authentic Living As I learn to be more honest about what I think and feel 1. As I learn to be more honest about my wants 1. When I think about some of the lies I have lived by 1. When I am ready to give up those lies 1. If I need time to learn to live with integrity 1. If I were willing to give myself the time I need to learn 1. If I were willing to let people hear the music inside of me 1. If I were willing to show people who I am 1.
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As I learn to simply be myself 1.
Exercise 23 – Benevolence and Growth If I deal with other people with respect and benevolence 1. If I give others the goodwill I want them to give me 1. If I allow myself to understand what I have been hearing in this program 1. If I accept that I may not yet be ready to let all this knowledge in 1. If I give myself permission to grow at my own speed 1. If this is the beginning of a great adventure 1.
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