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DANGEROUS PIE beautiful girl girl to my my left, anoth another er to There’s a beautiful my right. Hundreds of colored colored balloons are tethered tethered down dow n behind behind me, bakin bakingg in the Jun June e sun. I’m wearing wearing a brown gown that’s sticking to my sweat-drenched skin, trying to keep keep my my head strai straight ght so that my my weird square cap doesn’t fall off in front of the thousa tho usand nd peop people le who who are are wat watchi ching ng me. me. And of course, because I’m me, I’m spacing spacing out.The out.The question questionss are just tumbling through my mind. “How did I get up here? What have I learned since September? How could my life have possibly changed so much in only ten months?” I’m not even sure I understand the questions, much less where to begin looking for the answers. I guess a good starting point would be the longest journal I’ve ever written in English class. This was back back in Septe September mber,, when I was pret pretty ty sure sure about life. The topic was “The most annoying thing in the world,” and we we were were suppo supposed sed to write the usual usu al one one-page -page response response to it. I sat there for for a few 1
minutes, minut es, stari staring ng at the the back of of Renee Renee Albert, who’ who’ss the hottest girl in the eighth grade, trying to concentrate. Unf Unfortunate ortunately ly,, all I could conce concentrat ntrate e on was Renee Albert. Did I mention she’s she’s the hottest girl in the eighth grade? Miss Palma is always going on and on about abou t brainstorming brains torming and lists list s and “prewriting, “prewriting,”” so I started a list of truly annoying things: • Jou ourn rnal al as assi sign gnme ment ntss • Dull pe pencils • Th The e pen penci cill sha sharp rpen ener er sm smel elll • Mi Miss ss Pa Palm lma’ a’ss pe perf rfum ume e • Wh Whyy doesn’ doesn’tt Renee Renee Alb Albert ert ever ever look look at me? • Hot gir girls ls who who neve neverr look look at skin skinny ny gee geeks ks • Be Bein ingg a sk skin inn ny ge geek ek • Bei Being ng a skinn skinnyy geek geek name named d Ste Steve ven n Just then I realized that Miss Palma was standing behind me, reading over over my my shoulder (I guess that’s that’s why I was being asphyxiated by her perfume). Thinking fast, I covered covered up my my list, turned to her her,
2
and asked, Miss Palm Palma, a, can the journal be longer than a page? Sure, Su re, St Steeve ven. n. Wh Why? y? Wh What at are you you th thin inki king ng about about creating here?
(“Creatin (“Cr eatingg here.” here.” She actually actually said that. Don’ Don’tt English teachers just slay you? My mom is actually an Englis English h teacher teacher, but that doesn’ doesn’tt mean I don’t don’t find my own English teachers a bit odd.) Well, I’m having trouble crafting crafting my my prose.
(Yeah, (Y eah, “craftin “craftingg my prose.” prose.” Two can play this g am e . . . . ) What’s your topic? Remember what I always say: “F.. F. F! “F F!” ”
(Stands for “Form Follows Function,” don’t ya know.) Ummm . . . I wa want to to wri writte ab about a big to topic. And it’s not exactly a thing. It’s . . . it’s . . .
(And then it hit me.The most annoying thing in my world is . . .) My little brother brother,, Jeffrey Jeffrey.. Wow ow,, tha that’ t’ss an ambi ambitio tious us topi topic! c! Go Go ahead. ahead. If you you
3
need extra extra time, feel free to to take take the project project home tonigh ton ight, t, as well. well. Thank Th anks, s, Mi Miss ss Pal Palma. ma. A lot. lot.
Anywayy, here’ Anywa here’ss what I wrote: Having Ha ving a brother brother is horri horrible. ble. Ha Having ving any any brother brother would wo uld be horrible, horrible, I suppose, suppose, but having having my my particular brother br other,, Je Jeffr ffrey ey,, is an unr unrelent elenting ing nightm nightmare. are. It’ It’ss not not because he’s he’s eight years younger than I am, although that’ss part of it. How would that’ would you like to be King of the Planet for eight glorious years, years, and then suddenly suddenly get demoted dem oted to Vice-Ki Vice-King? ng? It’ It ’s not because he’ he’ss cuter than th an I am, am, al alth thou ough gh th that at’’s part part of it it,, to too o. I ha have mouse-brown mouse-bro wn cowlick-y hair, hair, glasses that are are about an inch thick thick,, and braces braces that that look look like like I tried tried to swallow a train train wreck. He has those perfect perfect little-kid Chic Ch icle lett-wh whit ite e teet teeth, h, 20 20-2 -20 0 visi vision on,, an and d littl little e blond blond ringlets like the ones on the angels you see on the posters in art class. It’ It’ss not even even because he hates me — he does doesn’ n’t. t. The tru truth th is tha thatt he he idol idolizes izes me. And that’s the problem:The kid follows me around like lik e I’m Elvis or something. something. And while while he’s he’s being 4
much too cute cute and follo following wing me me around, around, he also destroys destr oys all of my my stuff, including my my self-esteem and my sanity. Tak ake, e, for example, the “Dang “Danger erous ous Pie” incid incident. ent. Jeffrey Jeffr ey has known from an early age that the worst possible thing he can do to me is i s to touch my drum stuff. I have have some some rules about this: He may may not PLA PLAY the drums, drums, he may may not pre pretend tend the cymbals cymbals are shields shiel ds and he he is a knight, knight, he may may not hide hide IN the bass drum, and pretty much much any Jeffrey-to-drumsticks Jeffrey-to-drumsticks contact is a massive massive no-no. no-no. But on one fateful afternoon last year year,, Jeffre Jeffreyy threw the rules out o ut the window. window. On the tragi tragicc day day, I came home, said hi hi to Mom, Mom, glugged glugg ed down down some milk, milk, and headed headed down down to the basement basem ent to pract practice. ice. I was in in a particularl particularlyy good good mood, moo d, I remembe rememberr, bec becaus ause e Renee Alb Albert ert had told me in P.M. P.M. homeroom that she liked my shirt. As this was such such a grand grand occasio occasion, n, I decided decided to tak take e the Special Sticks down from their sacred perch and use them for my practice-pad warm-up. warm-up. In case you didn’t didn’t know kno w this, this, a pract practice ice pad is a thic thick, k, den dense, se, flat pie piece ce of rubber. rubber. Usually it’s it’s glued onto a piece of wood. wood. 5
You pract practice ice pla playing ying drums on it, it, becau because se it feels feels a lot lik like e playin playingg on a real real drum drumhea head. d. An Anyho yhow w, the Special Sticks Sticks would be just just an ordina ordinary ry pair of my favvori fa orite te st stic icks ks — Regal Tip 5A’s 5A’s with nylon nylon tips tips — except that they have been autographed by my alltime tim e drum drum hero hero, Cart Carter er Beauf Beaufor ord d of the the Dave Dave Matthews Band. I once saved saved up all my my babysitting babysitting money for for a couple of months, months, got two two tickets tickets to a drum clinic Carter Beauford was giving an hour and a half away away in Philadelphia, and begged my dad to take take me for two two weeks weeks until until he finally finally gave gave in. in. At the clinic, durin duringg what I like to think of as the Two Glorious Minutes, Minutes, Carter Beauford himself called me up front front to demonstrate a double-strok double-stroke e roll. roll. After I did it, he said I had “nice technique” and signed my my sticks, right there in front front of a roomful of drummers! drummers! So I had had sp spen entt qui quite te a bit bit of bl bloo ood, d, to toilil,, te tear ars, s, an and d sweat sw eat in order to get the Special Sticks. But the Special Sticks weren’t on their shelf. Jeffrey!
I ran upstairs upstairs at top speed, speed, hoping I would would be in time but knowing that th at the odds were were stacked against 6
me. I burst into the kitchen and found Jeffre Jeffreyy doing his “cooking” thing on the floor. floor. Pots and pans were everywh ev erywher ere e — don don’’t ask me me how I had had someh somehow ow not noticed this on my way downstairs the first time — and Jef Jeffr frey ey was stir stirring ring some pre pretend tend concoction in the deepest pot of all. With my my Special Sticks. I advanced advanced towa toward rd him, him, with what what must must have have been a disturbing gleam of violence in my eye. eye. Jeffrey! Give-me-the-sticks! Give-me-the-sticks! But I’m just COOKING. Give-me-the-sticks! But the Dangerous Pie isn’t i sn’t READY READY yet. I don’t care about your stupid four-year-old makebelieve food. Give-me-the-st Give-me-the-sticks! icks! But this is REAL food!
And it was. Jeffr Jeffrey’ ey’ss “Dangero “Dangerous us Pie” was a zesty blend of coffee grounds, grounds, ra raw w eggs and their smashed smashed shel sh ells ls,, Co Cok ke, un unco cook oked ed baco bacon, n, an and d three three Matc Matchb hbox ox racing cars. The Special Sticks STILL smell funny. Or maybe I should tell you about the “Please 7
killll me, Mo ki Mom” m” affa affair ir.. Th This is fiasc fiasco o happ happen ened ed afte afterr my my All-City High School Jazz Band concert last June. Getting Gett ing into into the All-C All-City ity band band is a big, big deal, deal, especi esp eciall allyy for a drumm drummer er — bec becaus ause e there there are are six trum tr umpe pete ters rs,, fiv five e sa sax xes es,, fo four ur tr trom ombo bone nes, s, et ce cete tera ra,, but onl onlyy tw two drumm drummers ers.. It was was ev even en a big bigger ger dea deall forr me last fo last year ear,, bec becaus ause e I was the firs firstt sev sevent enthhgrade drummer EVER admitted into the All-City high school band. They even even had had to send a special van to the mid middle dle scho school ol just just to get get me and and this this girl girl named Annet Annette te Watson atson,, who’ who’ss the backup piano playyer pla er.. She She’’s actual actually ly real really ly good, good, but ther there’ e’ss this twelfth-grade guy who’s been the main pianist since he was a freshman, and he’s he’s not about to get booted by a middle school girl gi rl in his senior seni or year. year. She’ She’ss funny, funny, and she may be the only kid in the middle school who cares about about music the way way I do, but she’s she’s also kind of weird. It’ It’ss like she’s she’s figured out how to play play Beethov Beet hoven en and Thel Thelonio onious us Monk but but hasn’t hasn’t quite mastered the art of being a girl yet. It’s not easy being the youngest guy in the band, by the way.They make fun of me all the time about 8
my age, my size, my braces, braces, and the wa way I stick out out my my tongue tongu e when when I pla playy. Also Also,, ev everyone eryone in the the band band has has a coo cooll nick nicknam name. e. Whe When n I firs firstt foun found d this this out at a rehea re hearsa rsal,l, the oth other er drum drummer mer,, Bri Brian, an, was tel tellin lingg me what to call all the different people: Who’s that? That’s the King. Who’s he? The Duke. Who’s she? The Princess. What do they call you? The Count. What does that mak makee me? Umm . . . how about the Pea eassant?
And the name stuck. Anywaay, my whole family came Anyw came to the concert, concert, and it was AWESOME. I had this huge drum feature in this Brian Setzer song called “Jump Jive an’ Wail,” and I nailed the whole thing. I usually practice practice at least an hour a day on my practice pad and another half hour on my my drum set, set, plus I play play in the marching marching 9
band ban d and and the the jazz jazz group group in in schoo school,l, AND we had been rehearsing twice a week for All-City for a couple of month months, s, AND I used to take take lesso lessons ns once once a week, we ek, so I was was playing playing gre great at that that night. night. So after after the the concert, conce rt, my parents parents and and Jeffre Jeffreyy came to the the band room oom.. The Theyy wer were e all all exc excite ited d and and ev everyth erything ing,, but Jeffrey Jeffr ey was bouncing bouncing off the ceiling. You’ ou’re re a rock rock star sta r, Steven. No, I’m a JAZZ star star,, Jef Jeffr frey ey.. MY BRO BROTHER IS A ROCK ST STAR! AR! MY BRO BROTHER IS A ROCK STAR!
Just then, Renee Albert stopped right next to us to congratulate her boyfriend (we’ll just call him Biff), a sophomore sophomore guitaris guitaristt with an alarmingly alarmingly perperfect complexion and muscles like Barry Bonds. Jeffrey Jeffr ey sa saw w Renee and started to whirl toward herr — sh he she e liv lives ar arou ound nd th the e cor corne nerr from from us, us, an and d I guess not even four-year-olds are immune to her charms cha rms and and wiles wiles.. It seeme seemed d to happe happen n in slow slow motion; motio n; ev events ents were were just cra crawling wling.. Yet still, still, I knew knew I would never have time to run across town to the loca lo call zoo zoo, st stea eall an el elep epha hant nt tr tran anqu quililize izerr gun, gun, ru run n 10
back, and fire it into Jeffr Jeffrey’ ey’ss buttock before he could blurt out something that would mortify me and destroy my social status forever. Life sna snapped pped back into into full full speed, speed, and Jeffr Jeffrey ey shouted: Hey, Renee! MY BROTHER BROTHER IS A ROCK STAR! STAR! As Biff looked on with a sneer, sneer, Renee replied, Oh, really? I didn’t know that. Yup, he IS. Did you SEE SEE him? His His arms arms were were ZOOMZOOMING around around the drums. drums. Just like like when he practi practices ces at home in front of the MIRROR. Steven . . . ummm . . . practices in front of a mirror? Yea eah, h, it it’’s COO COOL. L. In his his UN UNDE DER RWE WEAR AR.. Th Thee BLU BLUE E ones! Right Right,, Ste Steven? ven?
I sagged against my mom’s shoulder and muttered, Ple Please ase kill kill me, Mom Mom.. My dad tried at that point to control the situation, but by now Jeffre Jeffreyy had drawn drawn a little crowd crowd of my bandmates, who were were just waiting to see what else he would reveal about the Peasant. My brother’ brother’ss GREA GREAT! T! Hey Hey,, Renee, do you want to hear a JOKE? What does I-C-U-P spell? I give up. 11
Close the bathroom door! GET IT?
I tried to end this torment. Com Comee on, Jef Jeff. f. It’ It’ss tim timee to go out for ice cream with Mom and Dad.
Just then Brian chimed in (he had droppe dropped d a stick during “In the th e Mood, Mood ,” and may have have been bee n annoyed by the big applause after my solo). Let him finish, finish, Pe Peasant. asant. To which Renee and my mom simultaneously turned to me and burst out, They call you PEASANT? Dear Reade Readerr : Ar Are e you you starting starting to to see a patpattern te rn he herre?
• • • Misss Palma Mis Palma gave gave me me an A on the jour journal nal entry entry — she called calle d it “dr “droll” oll” — so I guess guess I actu actually ally manage managed d to get some use out of Jeffrey’s antics before the chaos of this year started. Looking back on those days days now, now, I’d have eaten the Dangerous Pie if I could have stopped October from coming.
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JEFFREY’S MOA MOATMEAL ACCIDENT live to be a hundr hundred ed and sev seventy enty-nine, -nine, I will If I live never nev er forget forget October 7th of this year year.. Oh, I’ll try. try. I’ I’ve ve been trying already. already. But I will never be able to throw throw off the weight of this particular day. The weir eird d thin thingg is, is, the da dayy start started ed off off gre great. at. I recal re calll that that I wok woke e up earl earlyy, fo forr some some reas reason, on, and couldn’tt go back to sleep. couldn’ sleep. So I got got out of bed, tiptoed to th the e ba bath thrroo oom, m, pe peed ed,, an and d di did d my us usua uall slo slowwmotion Ninja walk to get down our squeaky stairs without waking up the ’rents ’rents or Jeffrey Jeffrey.. I stopped in the kitchen to to suck down down some OJ, and then contincontinued my my silent journey to the basement. My dad has a separate little office down there. there. He’ He’ss an accountant, and because he sometimes works really late hours duringg tax season, durin season, he had the walls walls filled with with extra insulation insula tion for warmth warmth and soundpr soundproofing oofing.. I figured figured I’I’d d get some practice in on the pad before before school, so I set myself myself up in the office. I started to work my my way way through thr ough my usual usual warmwarm-up up routine routine — fiv five e minute minutess 13
of single-stro single-strok ke rolls (right-left-r (right-left-rightight-left), left), fiv five e minutes of double-str double-stroke oke rolls (right-right-left-left), and five minutes of paradiddles (right-left-right-right, left-right-left-left). My hands wer were e feeling particularly loose, and somehow it was nice being up before before anyone on e els else, e, do doin ingg my my own own th thin ing. g. Wh Whic ich, h, of co cour urse se,, meant that Jeffrey Jeffrey was bound to find me. Steven! Yaaaggghhh! You almost gave me a heart hear t attack, attac k, you little madman.
(This made made him giggle hyster hystericall icallyy, as it always always does when I pretend he’s he’s snuck up on me. But today today he really really HAD snuck snuck up on me; my drumming concentration can be pretty fierce). fierce). Steven, Ste ven, I don’t feel feel good. good.
Lately,, Jeffr Lately Jeffrey ey had been complaining a lot that his “parts hurt,” which we hadn’t been understanding too well. well. I thought it was just another another one of his littlekid things, things, lik like e the summer summer he turned thre three, e, when he convinced himself that he slept slept with his eyes eyes open. I spent weeks trying to convince him that he slept with his eyes eyes closed, just like like everyone everyone else on the 14
planet.. I finally videot planet videotaped aped about about fifteen fifteen minutes minutes of him sleeping, which I thought thought would would settle the the issue. When Whe n I pla playyed the ta tape pe bac back k for for him, him, tho though ugh,, he insisted, insis ted, “Of course course my my eyes eyes close close SOMETIM SOMETIMES ES when I sleep.That’s just what we call a slow blink.” So you can see why nobody was running outside sid e to flag flag down down an ambu ambulan lance ce when when this this kid’ kid’ss “parts hurt.” What do you want me to do? Can you make me some moatmeal? Some oatmeal? Right.. Some moatm Right moatmeal. eal. Jeff, gimme a break. I’m practicing practicing here. But I’m cold. cold. I need moatmeal moatmeal to warm up my my parts. parts .
I could see I wasn’t going to get out of this one without witho ut a fight, fight, and I am am a pretty pretty big oatmeal oatmeal fan fan myse yself lf to to tell tell you you the the trut truth. h. Ho How wev ever er,, I could couldn’ n’tt resist teasing Jeffre Jeffreyy a little, so I said: said: Cream of wheat. Moatmeal. Cream of wheat. MOATMEAL. MOA TMEAL. 15
Cream of wheat. MOATMEAL! MOA TMEAL! Okay,, you don’t have to call Okay call out the National National Guard. Guard. I’ll make the oatmeal. Yay! Moatmeal!
Up in the kitchen, kitchen, I sat Jeffre Jeffreyy on a bar bar stool so he could “help” by mixing the oatmeal with the water before before I nuked it. My mom always always tells me not to leave Jeffrey up on the high stools without me standing stand ing right right next next to him, but she’ she’ss ridiculou ridiculously sly overpr ov erprotec otectiv tive. e. If she had her way way, he’ he’d d be wearing wearing body armor to kinder kindergarten. garten. An Anywa ywayy, he was was babbabbling away about how our “special moatmeal treat” would “refix” his “parts” when I turned away for a se seco cond nd to to get get a woo woode den n spoo spoon. n. I hear heard d a swi swish sh,, a crack,, a thump crack thump,, and a little whimp whimper er.. When I looked looked back, I realized that Jeffre Jeffreyy must have have slipped off the stool and banged his face on the counter. counter. He looked up at me from the floor for that miserable split second little kids always take before the wailing starts, and I saw a drop of blood under his nose.Then two things happened happened at once: once: He started to scream like 16
a ba bans nshe hee, e, an and d the the dr drop op of of bloo blood d tur turne ned d int into o a torrent. I grabbed the hand towel off of the refrigerator handle and held it to Jeffrey’ Jeffrey’ss nose. He looked territerrified in a way I hadn’t hadn’t seen him before, and he was still screaming scr eaming.. I found myself myself pulling pulling him onto my my lap, lap, saying sa ying things to him ov over er and over, over, like, Hu — Hush sh,, Je Jeff ffy y — I never never call him that unless he’s he’s upset — it’s OK. You’ ou’re re all right. right.
When this didn’t didn’t stop his wailing, and I knew the ’rents were about to come flying into the room any minute, min ute, I start started ed to get a bit bit imp impati atient ent.. C’mon, Jeffrey! It’ It’ss a little nosebleed, that’ that’ss all. You’ve had a million mill ion nosebleeds nosebleeds before, before, right? No, I’ve had TWO nosebleeds before.The time you let me ska skateb teboar oard d and and — Okayy, two nos Oka nosebl ebleed eeds. s. But nos nosebl ebleed eedss go go away away,, Jef Jeff. f. You’ ou’re re fine. Now stop stop shouting shouting before before Mom Mom and Dad — Steven! What have you done to your brother?
Doh! Too lat late . . . Nothin Not hing, g, Mom Mom.. I was was mak making ing him br break eakfa fast, st, and he fell off his stool. 17
He JUST fell off of f ? There was no pushing? No. No shov shoving, ing, Ste Steven? ven? No. Did you drop drop him, Ste Steven? ven? No. Was this one of your wrestling moves, moves, Jeffrey?
Finally,, my parents Finally parents were were getting past the interrogation gat ion phas phase, e, and dea dealin lingg with with the inj injur ured ed chil child d — who,, by the wa who wayy, was still receiving first aid from his heroic, wrong wronged ed brother. brother. NO,, Mom NO Mommy my.. Did you really really JUST fall, fall, Jeffr Jeffrey? ey?
Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one? You know know wha what, t, Mom Mom?? I body-sl body-slamm ammed ed him, him, OK? I decided it would be really fun to set a five-year-old on a bar stoo stooll at 6:42 6:42 a.m., a.m., tak takee a runnin runningg leap, leap, and knock knock him down like we were trying tr ying out ou t for the WWF WWF.. It worked great, too. Son, don’t be defensiv defensivee with your mother! mother! 18
Defensi Def ensive, ve, Dad? DEFENSIV DEFENSIVE? E?
Now they had me sinking to their capital-letter level. YES! Defensive! And FRESH!
Thankss for Thank for chiming chiming in, Mom. This could hav have e gone on for months or even years, years, in an unending round round of guilt-trip Ping-Pong, Ping-Pong, except Jeffrey Jeffr ey stopped us all in our tracks. Mommy Mommy,, it hurts. hur ts. This came out muffled, and we must have have looked looked confused. So Jeffrey Jeffrey pushed my my hand with the towel towel out of the way way. It was another one of these frozen frozen moments that alwa always ys seem to happen happen to me; we all just looked at the tow towel, el, and Jeffr Jeffrey’ ey’ss nose, and the front of my pajama shirt.There was an unbelievable amount of blood! Oh God, God, Jef Jeffy fy.. Oh,, my Go Oh God. d. Get my my shoes, shoes, Ste Steven. ven. I’m taking taking your your brother brother to the emergency room.
I’d never seen my mom take one of our injuries so seriously before. 19
Honey, do you want me to go with . . . ?
Ahem Ah em,, Da Dad. d. No, you take take this one to school. school.
Great Gr eat — fo forr the crime crime of attem attempte pted d break breakfas fasttmaking,, I got demoted from making from “belo “belove ved d firstborn” to “this one.” So my my mom grabbed grabbed Jeffr Jeffrey ey off off of my lap lap,, put another towel towel to his face (this one with ice wrapped in it) it),, so some meho how w got got her her sho shoes es,, hi hiss wint winter er coa coat, t, he herr jacket, jacke t, ke keys, ys, her cell phone, and her purse, and got almost to the front door, door, before Jeffre Jeffreyy had time to say, Beppie! Go get your brother his blanket, blanket, Steven.
For once I went to get my brother something without saying a word about it. When I gave gave it to him, and my my mom opened the door,, I got one door one last long look at his frightened face over my my mom’s mom’s shoulder. shoulder. As she started down the drivewa drive wayy toward the car, car, I had this weir weird d feeling that my brother was getting smaller and smaller. My dad closed the door and told me to go get ready for school. 20
Dad, is he — I’m sure sure he’ he’llll be fine, fine, Ste Steven ven.. Nos Noses es bleed bleed a lot. lot. Go!
That’s when I looked at the kitchen clock and saw sa w that it was already 7:09. We had to be out the doorr in elev doo eleven en minu minutes tes.. So I went went ups upstai tairs, rs, tos tossed sed the bloody bloody PJ shirt shirt in the bathr bathroom oom sink, sink, took the the world’ss fastest shower world’ shower,, combed my my hair into some kind of shape, and hurled myself myself into jeans and and a Sum 41 T-shirt. By 7:14, I was at the door door.. Dad! I’m ready!
My dad appeared with the attaché case I’d boughtt him for Christmas bough Christmas two two years years ago ago — Guess what, Dad? It’s It’s a REAL accountant accountant briefcase, briefcase, with a REAL
— and got into his coat pocket for your calculator — without a word. Dad ad,, ar aree you you,, uh uh,, OK OK? ?
I never never particularly noticed my my dad’s dad’s moods, but he was looking kind of pale and tense. I glanced over over at the kitchen and noticed that he had cleaned up Jeffrey’ Jeffr ey’ss blood from the floor floor,, which couldn’ couldn’tt ha have ve been fun. Fine. Fi ne. Co Come. me. 21
Great! And now for a fun ride to school with Caveman Dad. In the car, car, things were were 100% silent until I couldn’ couldn’tt stand it anymor anymore. e. I put on the the radio to to WZZO WZZO,, the rock station, and started pla playing ying drums on my my legs along alo ng with with the the Rush Rush song song that that was on. My dad dad reached out and and turned off the radio, radio, which was very very unusual unus ual for him. him. Ev Even en though though my mom mom has alwa always been my big “drum fan,” my dad had at least succeeded ceed ed in tuning tuning out my my tapping tapping (OK, he called called it “pounding” and my teachers always referred to it as “banging”) on hundreds of car rides befor before e this one. one . Sorry So rry,, St Stev even en.. He said this with a weak little “I’m
sorry” smile. I need to concentrate concen trate on the road right now n ow.. Another few minutes of that weird “we’re ignoring a topic” silence brought us to my school. Before Befor e I got out of the car, car, I turned toward toward my dad for one more bit of whatev whatever er comfort he could give. Dad, is he . . . I told you, Steven. Noses bleed a lot. Noses . . . just . . . bleed a lot. Now get get going!
22
When I got to my locker locker,, Renee Albert said hi to me from from about about a foot foot awa awayy — her locke lockerr has alwa always ys been next to mine mine — and I realize realized d I hadn’ hadn’tt brushed brushed my teeth. Perfect.
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