The Science of Likability Charm, Wit, Humor, and the 16 Studies That Show You How to Master Them By Patrick King Dating and Social Skills Coach at www.PatrickKingConsulting.com As a show of appreciation to my readers, I’ve put together a FREE TRAINING VIDEO describing the BEST exercise for immediate social and romantic confidence. Click over to watch it now!
Table of Contents The Science of Likability Charm, Wit, Humor, and the 16 Studies That Show You How to Master Them Table of Contents Introduction Chapter 1: How to influence people’s moods. Chapter 2: How to read people like a book. Chapter 3: How to make friends out of enemies. Chapter 4: How to never be taken advantage of. Chapter 5: How to instantly become a close friend. Chapter 6: How to negotiate anything and be persuasive. Chapter 7: How to instantly bond with someone. Chapter 8: How to make people trust you. Chapter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle. Chapter 10: How to be endearing to anyone. Chapter 11: How to make people do what you want. Chapter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow. Chapter 13: How to avoid judgment and assumptions. Chapter 14: How to make people want you around. Chapter 15: How to be credible and trustworthy. Chapter 16: How to win a majority vote. Conclusion Cheat Sheet Citations
Introduction Like many college underclassmen that had no idea what they wanted to study, I chose to major in psychology. I thought it was a good default choice because the knowledge theoretically had wide application and could transfer to any other field… Also, I heard that the classes had mostly multiple-choice exams and finals. But really, I could have done much worse, as psychology has turned out to have some pretty helpful applications to my life and career. The study of psychology isn’t about reading minds or interpreting dreams, though I had a fair amount of people asking about that. It’s simply the study of why people do the things they do. When you frame it that way, it’s easy to see why that knowledge is useful in all walks of life. There were the obvious applications such as discovering exactly what works in advertisements and why, how to effectively use reverse psychology, and even why we don’t feel compelled to take action when we’re surrounded by a crowd. These were things I could immediately see and feel in my daily life. But the biggest takeaway from my degree, a bachelor of science in clinical psychology, was that so many of our decisions are made subconsciously and without any awareness on our part. It often isn’t until far after we act that we rationalize why. For example, one of the more famous experiments in psychology was called the Little Albert experiment. It involved a baby who was presented with a white rat by itself. The baby had no reaction, positive or negative. Next, the researchers paired the rat with a loud crashing noise, which obviously scared Albert. After only a couple of exposures with the noise, Albert was presented with the rat alone again. He had become afraid of the rat by itself. He had started associating the rat with the loud noise that he hated, and likely wasn’t aware of why he was suddenly recoiling and crying whenever he saw the rat. This was fascinating how something seemingly so subtle and unrelated could affect people’s actions
in very real ways. If people can be subconsciously conditioned about negative associations, aren’t there ways that people can be conditioned to react positively to objects and people? What if Little Albert was conditioned to associate positive things with the rat, such as food or his favorite toy? This brings up possibly the most famous psychological experiment of modern day, Pavlov’s dog. Pavlov began to ring a bell every time he fed his dog. Dogs salivate when they sense that food is nearby. When he started simply ringing the bell by itself, the dog salivated as if there was actual food coming. The dog thought he was getting bacon every time he heard the bell without any real clue why. So in short, yes – it’s completely possible to become scientifically likable, and have people wonder why you aren’t present. I set out to find the best psychological studies in existence whose conclusions could be interpreted to increase how likable someone is – the ones that literally made you scientifically likable in proven ways. A couple of these studies might seem to be proving obvious common sense, but that’s only because what was subconscious is now conscious knowledge. Many of these studies have proven phenomena on likability that is extremely insightful, and perhaps even counterintuitive to human nature and psychology. Fact is, they all work because of how our brains have been programmed over thousands of years. We don’t always realize when or how, but they undeniably form an image of someone who you just can’t help wanting around. The 16 studies in this book will show you proven ways to make yourself endearing, likable, funny, convincing, persuasive, trustworthy, credible, and instantly magnetic. Why we hit it off with some people, but never with others. That’s the science of likability. Our leaders, politicians, and most charismatic friends aren’t that way just by chance and luck! Whether or not they realize it, they embody much of what is taught in this book. Now it’s your turn.
Chapter 1: How to influence people’s moods. Why do some people instantly like us, while others never come around? Is it purely on a random basis, and do we have to depend on lucky strikes of lightning? Likability in the minds of too many people is a game of chance. The good news is they are completely wrong, and likability is like any other emotion – it can be triggered, summoned, and ultimately engineered. Just like, say, the loudness of your voice, we have quite a bit of control in just how likable we are. And for the first time ever, I’ve collected a series of 100% empirical, scientific psychological studies about how and why people like. It turns out that we all have specific and subtle, signals and hints that massively influence the way we view others. Most of them are miniscule, subconscious, and mired in the minutiae – but that’s what really matters. Remember Pavlov? It’s worth a repeat mention. Pavlov is the father of classical conditioning as we know it, and proved it through a very simple experiment with his dog. Every time he would feed his dog, he would also ring a bell. Over time, the dog associated the food with the bell. Eventually, Pavlov could just ring his bell, and the dog would begin salivating because of the association with the food. The dog was clueless as to why he would suddenly get hungry. Similarly, you can influence your likability quotient. People may not be able to articulate just why, but they’ll just know that they trust like and like you. This takes the random chance out of making a positive first impression. Your skill in likability can open many doors. It can have a tremendous positive impact on all aspects of your life. Relationships are the backbone of a happy and fulfilling life. Build yours with likability, and take advantage of the psychological cues that science has proven over the years. Mood influencing. The science.
A 1994 study by Eich, Macauley, and Ryan found that memories did not exist in a vacuum. Memories were heavily linked to the context, environment, events, and moods that were present at the time of the memory. In other words, if you are able to invoke anything that was present at the time of a positive memory, you will be able to bring up the feeling of that memory to influence and improve someone’s mood. You can also improve your memory by thinking about things that were present in the context of that memory, and more easily trigger a clearer understanding of what happened. They are all interrelated and help recall each other. What does this mean for us? People’s moods and memory are highly linked. If you get a clear idea that someone is in need of a mood boost, you can talk about things, people, and events that were present when they were in fabulous moods. You can talk to them in such a way to trigger certain positive memories. When you are successful in jogging their memory based on their mood, they cannot help but feel drawn to you. Bring up how ridiculous the slopes were on that ski trip last winter and they can’t help but be influenced. They will associate being around you with those positive moods they experienced in the past, and they will begin to associate you with the positive feelings. Your ability to associate your presence with past great mood memories opens an opportunity for interpersonal intimacy. This is emotional intimacy that gives people the impression that you “get them.” They read in all sorts of positive interpretations to their experience of being around you. To make this dynamic work for you, you must first accurately determine people's moods. Determine people’s moods. The simplest way to discover someone’s mood is by simply asking them a neutral question. This question really has no right or wrong answer. Just propose it to see if people will answer in a non-neutral way. What you are looking for is either a positive answer or a negative answer. If you get a neutral or noncommittal answer, you might want to rephrase your question so you can get a more definitive answer. The easiest question to ask is simply “How is your day?” or “How is your week going?” It will usually be easy to tell how people are feeling based on their body language and tone of voice in answering these questions. Influencing positively.
Once you have thrown out a neutral question and it was answered either positively or negatively, you can trigger a positive response by improving their mood. As the study said, you bring up elements that were present in one of their positive memories. For example, if you know that someone had a blast the last time they went skiing, bring up a story they were telling about it. Have them re-tell it to you. Ask them about the logistics and whether or not they would recommend that particular ski lodge. Talk about the drinking games they played that weekend. By bringing up the memory elements that were tied to the happy mood they were probably in, you will actually improve their current mood. By doing this, you also eventually associate their positive mood with interactions with you. This is crucial to likability because they will eventually identify being around you with a positive range of emotions. Here’s another example. You discover from your neutral question that someone is in a rather poor mood. You know from prior conversations that this person loves biking and biking is their favorite hobby by far. What elements of biking could you bring to the conversation to improve their current mood? Anything from the following list: their greatest biking adventure, their longest ride, their favorite bike, their biking buddies, and their latest gear purchase. By simply triggering happy memories of past positive moods and getting your conversation partner to identify those happy positive memories with your conversation, you pave the way for them identifying you with positive elements of their lives. This all happens subconsciously. If you just keep dwelling on the same elements and topics over and over again, it becomes obvious to your conversation partner that you are trying to somehow, someway manipulate the conversation. Your efforts at creating a positive mood association will become very transparent. Instead of warming up to you, people might clam up. Worse, they might become even more suspicious or skeptical of you. Like Pavlov’s dog, this isn’t a process that we are fully aware of until we reach the end result of suddenly salivating. Influencing people’s mood is something that they won’t fully understand the cause of, but will nonetheless regard you in better and higher lights. This chapter is about influencing people’s mood, and not necessarily improving it. In the context of likability, the only ways you should be influencing people’s mood is positively, but this subconscious superpower can be used to take people’s mood in any direction you wish. It just won’t necessarily give you a pleasant outcome and subsequent association.
Who wants to hang out with the person that reminds them of the last funeral they went to? Remember, if you play your cards right, people will subconsciously start identifying their happy memories and happy mood with being around you.
Chapter 2: How to read people like a book. If people look tired, chances are they are feeling tired. End of chapter! Just kidding. Usually, you can judge a book by its cover in terms of people’s moods, and our external appearance is a reflection of our inner world. But if you look one or two levels deeper, it becomes surprisingly easy to read people and figure out exactly what they’re feeling, even if you can’t see it plainly on their face. The science. In the 1880’s, James and Lange put forth a theory on why we feel the emotions that we do. They asserted that we actually experience physical events and stimuli first, and then independently decide what emotion to feel after interpreting the arousing situation. Emotions happen as a result of the amount of physical arousal we feel, and are largely a function of how we feel about that arousal. In other words, you see a bear and your heart races and your palms sweat. Your mind decides that the combination of your physical arousal and the outside stimulus has created the emotion of fear – you feel emotions after seeing physical stimuli that you associate the emotions with. What does this mean for us? We should be able to read people not from just their appearance, but from how excited they were about their day’s events. We should be able to read people based on the events they’ve encountered throughout the day and how excited they got about them. Reading people. Reading people, with the science presented in this chapter, is still a holistic process that requires you to look at many signals. The first step is to look at a person’s physical state and make some rough guesses. Make sure you pick up on the external signals such as their level of energy, reply rate, facial expressions, and body language and posture.
Next, you need to ask open-ended questions to figure out if your initial estimate of their mood is accurate. You can ask how their day is going. Their answer to these questions may give you enough signs to piece everything together. It is all about deducing their real emotional state. Finally, and this is the most important part according to the study by James and Lange – find out what they did during their day. The focus of this part should be to discover what physical stimuli the encountered during their day. Remember that we decide our emotions based on how physical stimuli make us feel – so find out what they did during the day, and ask them tacitly how excited they were about it. So if you are able to discover that they, for example, encountered a bear on their way home from work, what do you think their physical reaction would be? Probably extreme arousal, elevated heart rate, flushed face, and sweating palms; the fight or flight reaction would be strong. If they weren’t excited about it and physically aroused, this wouldn’t help you read them, for example if they answered “It wasn’t a big deal, I used to live with bears in the wilderness.” But if they were clearly excited and fascinated by the bear, what emotions does that give way to? Fear, exhilaration, disbelief, and excitement. What about if they received a raise at work? If they don’t seem excited about the raise, then this might not help you read them. But if they were normal and excited, what physical reaction and subsequent emotions does that create? Happiness, joy, and triumph. Those three steps allow you to successfully read someone’s mood, even if they are not showing it outwardly. Note that the more recent the physical stimulus was, the easier it will be to read the person… as well as the strength of the stimulus. This might sound like a chapter of obviousness, but very rarely do people actually clearly show their true moods and feelings. When you can figure out the physical stimuli that they have faced and how much they cared about it, it will tell you all you need to know about how people feel. It’s all about likability. Once you identify their emotional state, then you can then give them encouragement or otherwise send them positive signals that would lift their mood. The only limit to the methods you can use to lift others' mood is your creativity and imagination. Some people respond well to stories. Others respond well to jokes. Even others like motivational speeches or pep talks. The key here is to get people to improve their mood. Stoke the embers of their positive emotions until you get a nice fire going! If they are feeling small, unappreciated and discouraged, lift them up. The more you do this, the more they will associate you or being around you with positive things. This is crucial to likability.
What is likability? It is very simple. People want to be around you. When they feel good around you, they are more inclined to know more about you and bond with. You either remind them of happy memories or you remind them of their positive potential. Whatever it is that you remind them of, it has to be something positive. Being able to pick up on the nuances of how someone feels, and why they feel that way, allows you to connect with them in ways that go beyond the superficial level. You become a close friend, and they also view you as someone that is a veritable mind reader – when in reality, you were just in tune with their physical stimuli, and observed the totality of their signs.
Chapter 3: How to make friends out of enemies. Most people in our lives fall into the vast gray area between friend and enemy. That’s because most of the people we know are actually neutral acquaintances. You wouldn’t invite them to your wedding, but you wouldn’t cry if they got fired from their job. In many cases, you could either take them or leave them. They’re pretty much the people that inhabit your high school reunions. Yet inevitably, we all still have enemies from some area of our life. Not saying that it’s justified or even reasonable, but we’re never everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe you simply unknowingly cut someone off in traffic and made a new enemy there. It happens, and such is life. The big difference between an enemy (or frenemy, as it were) and a real friend is the intent from which they act. A friend might do harsh things with the intent to help you and improve your life – they always mean well. An enemy, on the other hand, always means to do you harm. Even if they do arguably positive things for you, the reason why they do what they do is to trip you up or otherwise harm you. They might actually do a good thing for you and hook you up. However, at the end of the day they actually want you to slip up, they want you to suffer and they want to harm you. Turning friends into enemies. Even if you don’t have any real enemies, and perhaps just a couple of frenemies (defined by Webster ’s as a person or group that is friendly toward another because the relationship brings benefits, but harbors feelings of resentment or rivalry) you can still use the science in this chapter to gain likability from them wherever they stand. According to studies, it is actually easier to turn an enemy into a friend than you realize, and they won’t even realize it what’s happening. The science. This was a phenomenon first observed by Benjamin Franklin, one of the founding fathers of the United States of America, and later proved and confirmed by Jecker and Landy in 1969. The latter
pair was investigating Benjamin Franklin’s claim that he could easily turn an enemy into a friend with one simple act – asking them for a favor. This seemed counterintuitive, but Jecker and Landy indeed confirmed that the amount that subjects liked a researcher who had asked them for a small favor was far higher than the researcher that had not asked for a favor. What does this mean for us? Simply asking people to do you a small favor will make you more likable, regardless if they like you or hate you. To some extent this flies in the face of common sense. Usually, you would only do a favor for somebody if you already like them and want them to like you. You would want to impress them and make your value known with your favor. You’d think people would balk at doing something for someone they hate, and not care about their opinion of you. So why does the Benjamin Franklin effect work? Because people must justify their actions, and that they did a favor because they actually do like you. Then, in a circular twist, they actually start liking you more. How does all this work to your advantage? It is very simple. Ask your frenemies, enemies, and otherwise negative acquaintances to do small favors for you. Not sure exactly what constitutes a small favor that won’t earn you their ire? For example, it can be as small as asking someone to hand you something from a shelf. Or asking them to order for you at a restaurant while you go to the bathroom. Or asking them to share their opinion on something they are an expert in. Or asking them to help you carry the groceries inside from the car. Each of these small, subtle, and even irrelevant tasks will increase the amount of interaction between the two of you and cause a state of massive cognitive dissonance, which means that they are essentially contradicting themselves. The winner out of that mental confusion is you, because they inevitably rationalize that you’re not so bad after all as they hand you the salt. You have to take the first step.
You can also perform small, subtle favors for them. Favors for people indicate that you are friendly, and gives them a clear signal that you don’t harbor any ill will towards them. You’re waving a white flag of peace. At the very least, they wouldn't classify you as someone completely useless to them or somebody they have to be skeptical or suspicious of. Doing favors for others positions you to be more likable in the minds of people. At the very least, it neutralizes whatever initial animosity they may have for you. And what the Benjamin Franklin effect shows, you yourself will begin to feel more positively about that person if you perform favors for them. If they ask you these questions about your motives, talk about how easy it is for you to do favors for people across the board. Talk about how you do favors for everyone in general – this part is important, or else they might feel that you are trying to manipulate them. You are giving them an opportunity to view you in a more nuanced or complex light. This is quite a step forward because people often stereotype each other along very simplistic lines like: friend good, enemy bad. When you throw your enemies a curveball by being kind to them, they can't help but come up with a different way of viewing you. If you're able to do this, then you are on your way to changing their minds about you. There’s a reason that “kill them with kindness” is often parroted! Take your time. After your potential new friend has performed the favor for you, don’t bring it up immediately. In fact, try not to bring it up at all, and don’t make it clear that you want to repay them for reciprocity’s sake. You run the risk of them thinking that you are trying to manipulate or use them. They would think that you are trying to put one over them. This is, of course, the precise opposite of the effect that you are trying to produce. You have to extend your timeline as far as the payback that you are expecting. In fact, you should not focus on payback at all. Focus instead on the fact that you are doing these actions to change how somebody feels about you. People can be quite vicious, but also easily disarmed. The reaction you will receive when you ask an enemy for a favor will probably be surprise, but it’s very rare that you will be refused.
The next time you ask that same favor, you may be surprised at how positive the reaction is. And you get something in return. Likability is generated while you also benefit in tangible ways.
Chapter 4: How to never be taken advantage of. It’s kind of rude to look at your friendships and size them up based on how much you are benefiting from them. Nobody likes to think this way, at least out loud or publicly. Aren’t you just friends because you enjoy each other ’s company, and relationships are the most important part of your life? Sure, publicly, that’s what you’ll always say. But in reality people subconsciously size up all their relationships based on how much value they get from such relationships – and value doesn’t have to be in the material, shallow, or financial type. In fact, it’s usually not measured like that. Value in a friendship or relationship is usually measured in emotional terms. And you know what else about the value in relationships? We’re happiest when the give and take is equal. If the relationship is one-sided and we feel used and unsupported. doesn’t just refer to relationships with significant others – it is fully the way it works in normal friendships as well. This is always happening in the background and isn’t necessarily unhealthy. Would you want to be in an unbalanced friendship, where someone used you for financial or emotional support yet always turned their back to you when you needed it? You can use this to your advantage in becoming a more likable person, as well as one that never gets taken advantage of. A scientific study showed that people subconsciously or consciously keep track of the exchange of favors in their relationships – and those were the happiest relationships. The science. Walster, Walster, and Berscheid, investigated the theory of equal relationships in a 1978 study. More accurately, they investigated how relationships rife with inequity functioned, and found that the best and happiest relationships have an internal score sheet as to who is sacrificing and serving more. This can range from monetary (I’ll pay for tonight if you pay for tomorrow), to emotional tradeoffs.
People are often driven by a sense of equality, which means that they will overcompensate if they feel they are not holding up their end of the bargain, so to speak. This is why men who work long hours will take their families on lavish vacations – as a tacit apology to even the scales and make up for the lost hours of companionship. What does this mean for us? Surprisingly, keeping track and actually developing an internal tally sheet as to the equality of the relationships – in any and all aspects important to you – helps keep people accountable to others and creates better and happier relationships. When you actively seek to even the score, you become more likable. People dislike guilt and injustice. People like parity. Of course, that’s a politically correct way to simply say that people hate feeling guilty (when they take too much) and they hate injustice (when they give too much). If there is inequality in any measure, both parties will feel one of those emotions. For example, if someone continually fixes a friend’s car, they might start to feel resentment and injustice. They’ll feel like they are being taken advantage of, and not see the value of that friendship. The friend that owns that car, on the other hand, will feel burdened by debt, guilt, and insecurity in the friendship. People do not like to be in somebody else’s debt. People do not like to feel that their friend is giving them more than they give their friend. Equal friendships with equal status avoid issues like that. Our egalitarian expectation leads us to expect others to hold their own end of the bargain. In other words, since you and I are equal, we expect each other to be self-reliant, responsible, and selfsufficient. I can't view you as an equal if you're constantly depending on me. Egalitarianism isn't just about feeling good because people view you as an equal. It also imposes roles and responsibilities and expectations. How can you use people’s propensity for equity for likability? Use the feeling of equity to your advantage and make sure that you make it known that you are in equal footing with your friend. Eliminate the other person’s feelings of guilt (when they take too much) and injustice (when they give too much).
If you see any inequalities where you benefit more, call them out publicly and make sure to rectify them as soon as possible. This makes the other person know that you pay back debts as soon as possible, and are trustworthy. Of course, this also removes the burden of feeling taken advantage of from their head. For example, you can eliminate some resentment and injustice when you call it out, “I can’t believe that you gave me a ride to the airport and I haven’t repaid you yet! Dinner ’s on me.” You can also eliminate guilt by calling it out, “Hey, I got you last time we had dinner. Want to even that score?” Even if it doesn’t quite make things equal, it just lets the other person know your character and make you more likable. Oftentimes, you won’t have to do anything at all except call out the inequality and show your awareness. If you feel that you are suffering an injustice, it’s simply a matter of giving people a chance to even the score. If they don’t seize the opportunity, they might not be the type of person you want to remain friends with. You are communicating clearly to them that there is some sort of inequality that you want to right and this makes them subconsciously like you more. You’re just a standup person. People are looking for win-win relationships. By insisting on a win-win relationship, others cannot help but feel that you are worthy of respect. They cannot help but feel that you are somebody that will stand up for your rights and you are not a pushover or somebody simply taken advantage of. That’s pretty likable, right?
Chapter 5: How to instantly become a close friend. If you’ve never been to an intense football game, let me describe the atmosphere. It can be pure mayhem, and you just can’t help but be sucked into the cheering frenzy because you are surrounded by it. It’s contagious, and you become a product of your environment. Screaming and doling out high-fives to anyone within reach become your new normal. This means that we often take cues from others on how to act and treat them, and that’s exactly how you can instantly become a close friend to anyone. It’s simple – just act the part. According to a recent study, acting like a good friend and assuming the role of one simply makes them treat you and welcome you like one. The science. Sigmund Freud is famous for a lot of things, most notably his theory on the Oedipus Complex, which stated that we all want to mate with our opposite sex parents, and feel an innate sense of competition with our same sex parents. He also put forth the idea of transference, which states that if someone has some of the characteristics and has a similar role to someone you feel strongly about, you begin to treat them and think of them as if they are that person. In other words, many people with strong supervisors feel paternal transference because of the similar roles that they play in their lives. This means that people latch onto patterns and feelings that are already formed in their minds, and that you can become an object of positive transference simply by acting the part. What does this mean for us? We become the people others see us as. Human beings navigate the world through snapshots that we know, and try to apply those snapshots to unfamiliar situations. In other words, people often think in terms of templates.
Human beings are not very imaginative nor creative, so we try to put all our experiences into existing templates and categories based on our previous experiences. If you consciously try to fit into the category of a friend and start looking and acting like one, people cannot help but treat you like a friend. Moreover, if you attempt to fit the role of a good friend that lends emotional support, you position yourself well. They can't help but make the association. Oftentimes, this process happens automatically. They aren't consciously aware that they are doing this association. That’s the beauty of transference. To become a close friend, do away with pleasantries and formalities, and speak to people the way you speak to your best friends. Talk about intimate matters. Joke with them and act familiar. Be there for them emotionally and support them through whatever they are going through. Show none of the hesitancy or unfamiliarity that strangers have with each other. Don’t be afraid to touch them, and create inside jokes immediately. Never think “Is it okay that I ask about this?” or “Am I going too far?” because that’s not what close friends do. You’ll be surprised at how people will open up, and the subsequent effects on how they view you. You can use this dynamic to work for you by focusing on its two-way effect. Not only will other people treat you like a friend if you start acting like a friend, you also internally become a genuine friend to people you are trying to impress by acting like a friend. Therefore, it works both ways and can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships. Fake it. Many people are not exactly comfortable with the whole idea of faking it until you make it. Ideally, we should act like who we really are. Ideally, we should be true to ourselves and “keep it real” at all times. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world. Oftentimes, you have to compromise your ideals slightly to achieve practical results. In this case, all you are doing is faking like you are friends. That’s not manipulation or misrepresentation at all. You’re just skipping past small talk, and diving into the interesting parts of people’s lives. Not only do you end up changing people’s perceptions of you based on your actions, your own perceptions of potential friends also change because of your actions. By faking it until you make it, you change your perception of how others perceive you. Don't underestimate how powerful this is. The center of gravity in your relationship with people you want to be friends with will shift instantly
after they project their transference onto you. It’s as simple as skipping the questions about where they work, and instantly jumping to how much fun their barbeque was because their favorite uncle was there.
Chapter 6: How to negotiate anything and be persuasive. Most people think they know a thing or two about how to negotiate what they want. Unfortunately, people who think this way are often mediocre or outright lousy negotiators. They either end up giving away too much or committing too early… or they simply don’t understand what makes a successful negotiation. In other words, they often end up getting the bad end of the deal. The secret to effective negotiation is actually simple and can be summed up in one sentence. Each party just wants to feel like they got a good deal and a win. That’s it. If the other party is happy with what they’re getting, then they will be all too happy to give you what you want. The problem with that is that we usually don’t want to give them what they want, because it will be too big of a cost to us – not a win. So it’s up to you to find out what they actually value, or to re-frame your proposition to them in a way that makes them feel like they got a good deal. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that what is important to you is important to the other side. Oftentimes, this isn't the case. In fact, in most cases, the other side doesn't at all care what's important to you. To get a better deal from any negotiation every single time, you need to focus on two key techniques. These techniques involve shaping the expectations and assumptions of the party you're negotiating with, and they have been proven to work time and time again. They are called the door in the face technique, and the foot in the door technique. Surprisingly, they are essentially converse to each other, but work in predictable ways when you put them into the context of human psychology and desire. The door in the face technique. The “door in the face” technique, was confirmed by Cialdini et al. in a 1975 study. Here’s the gist – you ask for a huge and somewhat unreasonable favor upfront, and then follow up with a smaller ask that was actually the intended goal in the first place. The recipient of the ask feels like he has done well in the negotiation because he has successfully brought down the asking price
substantially, not knowing that the original starting point was nothing but a foil. This technique involves you starting negotiations with a very big but unreasonable offer. The whole point is you are expecting to be rejected. Nine times out of ten, your unreasonable offer will be turned down and rightfully so. Of course, your first offer is not your real offer. You are simply setting context in the mind of the person that you are negotiating with. You actually have a different agenda. Your real offer is a smaller version of your first offer. By starting off big and getting people upset about how unreasonable your first offer is, your second or third offer will appear very reasonable indeed. Compare this situation with starting off with your reasonable offer. In many cases, your reasonable offer will face some resistance or might even get rejected outright. It does not get considered based on its own merits. Now, if you start with a big and outsized unreasonable offer, it expands the sense of possibility that the other party has and makes your subsequent smaller offer look more realistic and acceptable. For example, in a salary negotiation, this will look something like you starting with an incredibly high figure. It will be rejected, so you slowly work your way down to the real salary that you wanted in the beginning, which is much lower than the first figure. It’s a win-win because they feel that they got a good value out of you, and you got exactly what you wanted. This technique also translates to daily life, such as even picking out where to eat. If you pick a restaurant that is either too far, expensive, or inconvenient, the next option you present (and the one you actually want) will seem far more attractive than it would have been otherwise. The contrast that you present is what will spur others to pick your choice. The foot in the door technique. The “foot in the door” technique, was confirmed by Beaman et al. in a 1983 study. This is very close to the opposite of the “door in the face” technique as described earlier. They found that asking for small favors and simply gaining any degree of agreement or compliance was the most important factor in persuasion. The asker could then continue to build upon the small favors and asks to eventually reach his desired level or goal. This is a completely different approach than the door in the face technique. What you do is you start with a tiny offer that is very reasonable and easy to accept. Of course, this is not your real offer. Your real offer is something bigger. Instead, you are just using this tiny offer to get people to say yes to you at a smaller scale. You then slowly scale up the offer to get to where you really want. In a salary negotiation, you might start with an offer that is 75% of what you want. Your goal with that figure is just to gain agreement and goodwill with the other person. Once they agree, you can then start to gradually add 5% here or there, based on your job performance and your accomplishments over the past few years.
The key is to create a chain of “yes” that starts from the first 75% figure. Of course, you can also use the “foot in the door” technique in daily life. Like before, you can use it to dictate where you go out to dinner: “Do you want to eat out tonight? Do you want to eat Chinese or Indian (assuming the person hates Indian food)? Do you want to go close or drive far? Okay, what about China Palace?” Both these techniques all focus on context. The door in the face can be quite explosive because it starts with an obviously unreasonable offer and you are drawing a lot of resistance. The whole point is to make your real offer look comparatively reasonable. The other technique is to start at a point of agreement and keep building on that point of agreement until you get to where you want. Negotiation in likability. I realize that negotiation and likability don’t often go together in the same sentence. Most people probably think that it’s impossible to separate emotions and likability from intense negotiation and conflict. Again, this plays deeply on human psychology and you don’t have to be actually negotiating a thing. How can the door in the face technique make you likable? It’s actually a type of humor to exaggerate and give hyperbole in reply to statements! The contrast between the normalized statement and your ‘unreasonable’ statement makes the situation funny. For example, your friend says “That car is going really fast.” Your door in the face response would be “Yeah, you can practically see the flames coming out the back.” Another example, your friend says “I haven’t tried that café yet.” Your door in the face response would be “You haven’t?! Have you tried ANYTHING!?” The foot in the door technique makes you more likable by having you focus on the small things about people. If you can find agreement on small issues, such as taste in shoes or coffee, then it’s much easier to talk to people about deeper and more important issues – where you may also find agreement. The foot in the door technique is the fast track to friendship because it builds upon a series of commonalities that make you appear like a friend. The final bonus of these two techniques is that you will be able to sidestep most conflict in a situation with proper framing.
Chapter 7: How to instantly bond with someone. To many people, bonding with others is a process that takes a long time as well as some luck. That can certainly be true if you don’t understand human psychology and what actually makes us likable to others. Yes, it will be difficult to bond with others if all you do is say hello to them and ask them about their day. I’ve come to realize that some even think that bonding happens inevitably as a measure of time. This is not always the case. You can be in a dentist's chair undergoing a root canal. Sure, you are spending a good amount of 'alone time' with your dentist, but this is far from bonding. You can find yourself in a situation where you would be alone with somebody and could be going through a tough time together, and the end result is far from bonding. If you want to bond with someone instantly, read on. The science. In 1971, Byrne discovered what we all instinctually already knew. We like people that are similar to us, both in background and thought process. The more similar of attitude we have to someone else, the more attracted we are to them in general. Obviously, the vice versa is true, so the more similar you can appear to people in any regard possible, the more they will like you on both a subconscious and conscious level. This means that an extremely effective way to create an instant bond is to mirror other people – and not just in body language and mannerisms. Expert sales people know all about the power of mirroring because it gets them trust, and ultimately sales. You start saying things the way they say things. You start repeating certain things that they like to say. In other words, you try to bounce back certain signals that remind them of themselves. You are trying to send them signals that they see in themselves. The power of familiarity. Why does this work?
Human beings like familiarity. We are comfortable around people who look like us, act like us, talk like us, think like us and ostensibly have the same values as us. On the other hand, we tend to be uncomfortable with people who think, talk, act, and otherwise go about their business in ways that are profoundly different from how we do things. It is easier to bond with people who you think are similar to you compared to people you view as strangers. It is crucial for you to understand how to mirror others properly if you want to tap the power of familiarity to boost your overall likability. I use this example often because I think it illustrates this phenomenon so well – let’s say you were born in a small town in South America. Now you live in London. How excited would you be at the prospect of meeting someone else from that same small South American town? So what does this mean for you in your daily life and becoming likable? If you can appear more similar, in mannerisms, beliefs, background, thought process, and even likes and dislikes, you will be able to create instant bonds out of nothing. This isn’t about lying or manipulation, or simply telling people only what they want to hear. That’s dishonest and eventually extremely transparent. Start small. Ask lots of questions to figure out what people are about, what they like, and how they think. Then dig deep into yourself to find small commonalities at first, such as favorite baseball team or alcoholic drink. Through those smaller commonalities, you’ll be able to figure out what makes them tick and find deeper commonalities to bond instantly over. Just as you’d be thrilled to meet someone from that small South American town, you’d be thrilled to meet someone who shared a love of the same obscure hobby as you. It doesn’t take months or years, and it doesn’t take a special circumstance like going through military boot camp together. It just requires you to look one level deeper inside yourself and others, and see the commonalities that all people possess but aren’t always aware of. When you find that commonality, conversation will probably flow there and this is an extremely effective icebreaker. After all, this is probably the natural process of how you developed the friends you currently have – a shared interest or experience that served to bond you. People at the most basic level are usually pretty similar and have similar attitudes about things. Find them and use them!
Chapter 8: How to make people trust you. Trust is tricky because almost everyone has a different definition of it. Most people also differ on how exactly they give trust. For some, people start with zero trust in others and it is slowly earned through their actions. For others, people start with a full meter of trust in others and it’s up to them to prove that they are worthy and not lose it. Regardless, trust is not a universal quantity… except for what was proven in 1950. The science. Festinger, Schachter, and Back in 1950 studied the simple phenomenon of trust. They noticed that people that lived near each other trusted each other more unequivocally, and simply liked each other more, such as neighbors. Their findings were also simple: the more repeated exposure you have with someone, the more trustworthy and likable you are to them on a subconscious level. The level of interaction wasn’t important, it was just the frequency of occurrence that engendered the feelings. What does this mean for us? It means that trust, unlike many other things in life, actually works on a linear basis. The more you show up to a certain extent, the more trust will ultimately be built. This manifests in even tiny ways in our daily life. The more you see a certain barista at a café you frequent, the more you feel like you know and trust them. The more you see a neighbor, even if it’s just while you are both taking out your trash, the more you feel like you understand who they are and trust them. Again, the level of interaction isn’t important, it’s simply the repetition that creates trust. Let’s think about how salespeople use this to their advantage. A typical sales cycle depends on trust, because if a prospect doesn’t trust the salesperson, they simply won’t purchase.
So what does a salesperson do? They become like white on rice. They email, call, text, and make sure that you have so many points of contact with them that they are always in your ear. And oddly enough, this makes you trust them more because if they are that present in your life, and you have accepted this, they ought to be trustworthy, right? Obviously this would be overkill for a friendship, but it’s undeniable how salespeople are able to gain our trust through simple exposure and mirroring. If you are trying to get people to like you and become their friend, you are essentially selling yourself, and repeated exposure helps make the sale. Simply showing up creates trust. Festinger proved that the whole key to this entire trust process is to simply show up. That's right, just be visible. Spend time with people. Be around. In the human mind, simply being visible makes them feel that they know you. This is why in the world of advertising, there is a rule called the rule of seven. According to this rule, a particular brand or marketing message has to be shown at least seven times for prospects to take action on that particular commercial message. This happens all the time. If you see an ad for a new soda, chances are you won’t jump out of your seat to buy that soda the first time you see the ad. You would have to see the ad several times for you to feel that the product being sold is legitimate. Once you mentally accept this, then the product has successfully branded itself on your mind. In other words, it is worthy of becoming a potential choice. This stage is all about filtering threats and potentially harmful people who might not have your best interest in mind. This is purely defensive. Once you clear that stage, a certain force of habit kicks in and you gain trust, credibility, and people constantly coming back to you. This does not mean that they automatically choose you. What this means is that you have become a legitimate choice. If you are looking to build trust with people, simply showing up gets the ball rolling in getting people to trust you. By being visible and gaining maximum exposure with people you are trying to impress, you set in motion the battle for likability and trust. How did you meet your current friends? If you look at your set of close friends, you would realize that a lot of those friends became friends of yours almost accidentally. For the most part, you did not seek them out. You did not consciously come up with this idea that you
will be friends with this specific person, and put in a lot of effort to get that person to like you. In many instances, a lot of your good friends became your good friends because they simply just showed up in your life frequently. They were at the right place at the right time and they did the right things. Maybe you went through elementary school and high school together, and were neighbors for years. Proximity rules. There is huge value to simply showing up and showing your face. You would be surprised as to how powerful the exposure effect can work in your favor. Simply showing up, sending off positive signals, and becoming part of the solution instead of the problem can go a long way in you becoming good friends with people you want to gain the trust of.
Chapter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle. In an ideal world, the moment you become friends with somebody, they would instantly trust you completely and you would be in their inner circle. But most friendships are tentative or probationary. You get put on some sort of outer circle of friendship until you prove yourself and you get moved into an inner circle of intimacy. The moment somebody looks at you as a friend, your journey of friendship with that person is only beginning. Getting that person to consider you as a friend is just the start of your personal journey with that person. This should not be a surprise because all people have different circles of concern. In your inner circle are your dearest friends and family members. In the circle further away from that are your other friends, and outside of that circle are your acquaintances or business contacts, and then outside of that circle is everybody else. If you want to get invited into your new friend’s inner circle, it’s usually a process. Why? The science. In 1970, Murstein put forth one of the prevailing theories on friendship acquisition called the stimulus-value-role model. The model describes the 3 stages of friendship, and what is required for someone to make it to your inner circle. The first stage of friendship is based on stimulus and physical attributes – we are typically friends with people of a similar age, ethnicity, and outward appearance. The second stage of friendship is based on values, and is based on matching opinions, stances, values, and subjective morals and attitudes. The final stage of friendship, the inner circle, is the role stage, and is based on how they might complement each other in working towards a shared goal – a working relationship. These are three distinct phases of how people learn to value you as a friend. To gain access to the inner circle, it is all about learning how to fit better within all these three stages to move to the next.
People filter all their contacts on a subconscious level. Simply being aware that this subconscious filtering process is taking place, you can put yourself in a better position to send out the right signals and do the appropriate things to get into the inner circle sooner rather than later. Now that you know which factors are immediately important in becoming good friends with someone, you can change your actions and emphasize different aspects of your personality to seamlessly flow from stage one to stage three. The stimulus stage. When you become somebody’s friend, the first stage in the friendship is for them to evaluate you in terms of physical appearance and stimulus. We look at physical attributes based on how attractive we think those attributes are. This applies to members of the opposite sex as well as members of the same sex. In fact, this is not really a sexual thing per se. It is more of a simple categorization and stratification strategy. You are always sorting people, and those that are similar to you are attractive. You just want to be around them and assume positive things about them. To move onto the next stage, your task here is to look like you belong. If you wanted to move into a soccer player ’s inner circle, at the outset it would be beneficial to wear a soccer jersey so you pass the stimulus stage. Look the part, and people will assume that you are the part. The value stage. I am not talking about intrinsic value here. All human beings have intrinsic value. I am talking about how we size up other people based on how similar their values are to our own. For example, if you are a medical school graduate and you are a licensed medical practitioner and you practice medicine, you would value people who have similar values as you because they are in the same profession and see the world similarly. A considerable amount of our class background and educational attainment is at play here. If you have an advanced degrees or a master ’s degree, you tend to put a lot of stock in people with advance degrees. These people might not automatically land in your inner circle, but they are definitely on the fast track because of the fact that they seem to have similar values as you. Broadly speaking, value similarity tends to impact issues like religion, sex, career, family and personal development. Regardless of your pedigree, if you can make it known that your belief and value system aligns with someone else’s, this will be sufficient. The role stage. This is the final stage of the three-stage process where people move into the inner circle.
At this stage, a new friend has shown that they have certain attractive physical attributes that would make you want to hang out with them. They have also shown that they share your inner core values. At the role stage, you share similar activities, and do them without any hint of conflict. There’s a saying that you don’t know anyone until you attempt to travel together, and the role stage is exactly what’s meant by that. You have a complementary relationship that can go deeper than just meeting up for coffee or drinks occasionally. If you can travel together, which involves a lot of planning and execution, then simply hanging out together and being friends will be a snap. The role stage and subsequent inner circle means that you can function and actually work together. Not coincidentally, this is why a lot of business deals get done on the golf course and on bar napkins – people are able to decide that they can work with each other ’s reciprocal abilities, and move into each other ’s inner circle. For example, to pass someone’s role stage, you might decide to plan a road trip with them. If during the planning, you differ on too many aspects and argue, you probably aren’t going to pass the role stage. But if you can successfully plan together, no small feat in itself, you are well on your way to the inner circle. You need to be aware of all these stages so you can understand how they play out and what your actions should be. You also need to know which stage you are in, so you can work with the expectations of the people you are trying to gain access to.
Chapter 10: How to be endearing to anyone. Perfect people are actually not the most attractive people. We’re uncomfortable around it, and it makes us self-conscious in ways we never thought possible. To illustrate, let’s think about why Batman and Spiderman are far more popular than Superman. Superman is literally, well, a super man. He has almost no weaknesses, and it just doesn’t seem very interesting when we all know that he could just punch one of his nemeses into outer space at any given moment. He is rarely actually challenged, and it takes considerable work to make him vulnerable. Batman and Spiderman on the other hand, are powerful yet deeply vulnerable characters. They’re not perfect by any means, and they both have to overcome challenges that usually seem too great for them. Turns out it was a great move to make Batman and Spiderman deeply flawed, because humanizing them made it easy for people to relate to them and love them. What does this have to do with anything on the science of likability? Not being perfect is endearing to people. Don’t pretend that you’re perfect. In fact, display the opposite. People are drawn to other people who show vulnerability. We are drawn to each other ’s weaknesses because it reminds us that we are human. It shows deep confidence to openly show vulnerability and the chinks in your armor. As an added bonus, vulnerability is one of the most attractive traits in the dating game. The science. Aronson, Willerman, and Floyd in 1966 discovered an easy way for people to like you, but not feel threatened. In fact, this method is used by politicians carefully all around the world, as it is important that they are relatable and non-threatening. The scientists discovered that perfection was not endearing, and that those who made mistakes and
who generally showed themselves to be human were far more likable, approachable, and relatable. In the context of the experiment, it was shown that subjects liked people who had knocked over a cup of coffee more than those who did not. This was called the Pratfall Effect, presumably named after someone named Prat who continually fell. Perfection is intimidating. It is very hard to be friends with somebody who is perfect. It is very hard to be friends with somebody who has everything. If you are spending a lot of time with somebody who is flawless, it can actually be quite an intimidating experience. It might feel that you are walking on eggshells when you are around that person because they will judge you for not being perfect. You are trying to compare yourself to that person and obviously you are going to fail. This is why it is very hard for people to relate to perfection. Nine times out of ten, perfection does not exist in any practical sense. Somebody may look like they have a perfect life, but behind closed doors they might actually be struggling with alcoholism, their marriage might be falling apart, or they might have a serious addiction. This is why it is really important to note that people actually get this. This is why most Americans are looking for that flaw of humanity that they can attach to and relate to. Your imperfections are what make you more relatable and likable. Your friends are drawn to you because you are sometimes clumsy, and you are goofy or otherwise imperfect. If you have a quirk or eccentricity, it is probably the reason why a lot of your friends are drawn to you. They like you not because you do not have any warts or imperfections. They like you because of your imperfections. I’d feel a lot more comfortable around Heidi Klum if she tripped and fell on her face to break her façade of beautiful model queen. Relatability is crucial to likability. It is very hard for people to like you if they feel that they cannot relate to you. If you are just so unreachable and so perfect in your flawlessness, people will not even bother. It makes them feel intimidated because they know they cannot measure up. In many cases, it is easier for people to hate perfect people. You become some sort of caricature to them. If you are honest with your vulnerabilities and your weaknesses and shortcomings, it is easier for people to relate to you. They know that you are not perfect in the same way that they are not perfect. As a result, they do not feel self-conscious around you. They do not feel that they have to watch
everything that they say. Most importantly, they do not feel that you are going to judge them because they have fallen short. You yourself suffer from their shortcomings and insecurities. Balance. Both literally, and figuratively. How can you use this knowledge of lack of imperfection and vulnerability in daily life? There are any number of ways to make your appearance slightly goofy and less polished, which we know makes us a bit more endearing to others. For example, you can stumble a bit when you use stairs, exaggerate a yawn, wrinkle and rub your nose, drop something you’re carrying, snort while you laugh, walk into the corner of a table or door, drive onto a curb while parallel parking, stub your toe, get hit by a tree branch while walking… the list is endless. You can also make self-deprecating jokes, and immediately call out when you have made a mistake. Finally, you can make sure to freely bring up or admit embarrassing things about yourself, such as your past love affair with ice cream or that you broke your leg chasing an ice cream truck. These are the things we all do in privacy, and these acts just make you human. They disarm others and make them relax. But don’t overplay it. It all boils down to the following: wouldn’t you rather grab a beer with someone that you can be in sweatpants with, instead of having to try all the time to keep up appearances?
Chapter 11: How to make people do what you want. A key element of likability is that people will listen to your opinions and act on them. In other words, you have influence over people’s actions and can make people do what you want them to do. Regardless if you’ve reached that level of likability, you can still assert a level of influence over people simply because of how the human psyche works. The science. In 1976, Pennebaker and Sanders sought out to study a theory of behavior called reactance. Reactance is essentially reacting in the opposite manner of what is presented. They confirmed it - when subjects were told to do something, they felt a strong impulse to do the opposite to preserve their perceived freedom of choice. This confirmed the phenomenon of reverse psychology, which uses reactance in the opposite manner to get a desired reaction from the subject. What does this mean for us? It means that people strongly value their free will and freedom of choice. Even if it isn’t something they necessarily want to do, they may do something just to prove that they can, and to prove that they won’t be restricted. For example, we see this all the time with parents and children – if a parent places too strong of a restriction on a child, this makes the child rebel even harder… but sometimes the parent can achieve a desired reaction by doing this artfully. If you are aware of this phenomenon and are willing to play the role of the parent, making people do what you want becomes easy. Reverse psychology. Reverse psychology is something you’re probably familiar with. It’s about telling people to do something, and then seeing them do the exact opposite, which is often the result that you wanted. Reverse psychology is all about sending signals a certain way and hoping
that these signals do not have the normal effect. If you're practicing reverse psychology, you're actually intending the opposite act. Most of us have seen reverse psychology in action. In many cases, our first experience with reverse psychology is with our parents. It can be as simple as a parent saying that she doesn’t want the child to vacuum, and forbids the child from it. Obviously, this will make the child vacuum, fulfilling his sense of freedom and fulfilling the parent’s intelligent laziness. Another example of reverse psychology: according to studies, the children of parents who don't make a big deal out of alcohol or drugs tend to not abuse these substances. In contrast, parents who made a big deal out of alcohol and drugs and specifically forbade them tended to have children that were likely to abuse them. The reason that reverse psychology works is that people don't like to be boxed in. People don't like to be told what to do. When someone tells you to do something, your natural reaction is to do the exact opposite. Knowing this is the case, people who use reverse psychology to their favor would say certain things intending the opposite effect. Therefore, to get people to do what you want, insinuate any one of the following: that they can’t do it, are forbidden from doing it, are incapable of doing it, aren’t allowed to do it, cannot handle doing it, or simply don’t want to do it. Reverse psychology works because of people's rebellious impulse. There’s a certain “F*ck you, I’ll do what I want!” aspect. This is reactance at its finest. It all boils down to forbidden fruit. Whenever you tell somebody that something is off limits, the perceived value of that activity increases. Human beings are curious animals. We are often drawn to things that we can't have. We're often excited by things that we're not supposed to do. Reactance and influence. The best way to use reverse psychology is to champion the opposite of your actual opinion. In other words, you play devil's advocate and gently guide the conversation to your desired reaction. When you argue the other side, it's not uncommon for people to push back and find the true value in the side that you’re advocating against. This is a great psychological trick in getting people to look at your position without browbeating them. You don't come off as a bully. Instead, you appear thorough, and you are able to subtly and gently guide people to your side. For example, you want to convince someone that dogs and superior to cats.
You would gently explore relatively small benefits of cats, and then compare those to relatively large benefits of dogs. The framing is important is here, and it is very likely that the other person will point out the flaws of your logic (that the large benefits of the dogs are of course far superior to the small benefits of the cats). They will prove you wrong, and come to the conclusion themselves that dogs are superior. This works on two levels – first, you are telling them that cats are superior, which automatically makes them want to disagree. Second, you are allowing them to come to the conclusion themselves, which makes them believe in it far more than if you were to outright tell them. People value their freedom of choice and independence, and reactance is a strong reflection of that. Fortunately, the awareness we now possess of reactance can help us influence people to any direction we want.
Chapter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow. As much as we would like to pretend that we are all 100% in charge of our own destinies, the truth is most people are looking for a leader. We don't come out and admit it, but we are looking to be led and for someone to make decisions for us. A shepherd is a valuable and comforting presence. We might think that we want the freedom of choice, but while we theoretically want it, we don’t often know what to do with it and want clear direction. This is even true when it comes to emotions – don’t your friends ask you your opinion on their love lives, and if they are justified in their reactions? Even every friend group has an unofficial leader, someone that people will look to whenever there is a decision or plan to be made. People don’t always trust their own judgment, and need to take cues from others to feel validated and accepted. Even emotionally, it's much easier to simply go with the flow and follow the lead set by other people. At the very least, it takes less thinking and less personal insight and self-exploration. It’s easier than you think to step into the leadership role among your friends, or at work. It’s not the struggle or burden that many leaders complain about – they’re simply acting inefficiently, and perhaps unaware of what Daniel Goleman discovered in 2000. The science. Daniel Goleman, a thought leader in emotional and personal intelligence, identified six distinct types of leaders in a 2000 study. Each type of leader caters to a different type of intelligence and primary motivator – after all, not all of us are motivated or driven in the same ways. The visionary leader paints a picture of inspiration, and motivates through grandeur. The coaching leader focuses on developing individuals, which coincides with organizational goals. The affiliative leader motivates through creating at atmosphere of affection and support, and motivates through addressing emotional needs. The democratic leader builds consensus and motivates through the subsequent investment. The pacesetting leader leads by example and literally shows people what is possible to achieve. Finally, the commanding leader simply commands and orders, expects compliance, and motivates through
negative consequences. Unsurprisingly, different people have different needs, and respond to different kicks in the ass. Placing people into one of the six categories can help you skyrocket your efficiency and effectiveness as a leader. The round hole gets the round peg, and the square hole gets the square peg – and the benefits are limitless. The visionary leader. This type of emotional leader moves others towards a shared vision. This shared vision is, of course, an ideal. This leader tells the group about the vision they should all share, but doesn't really tell them how to get there. This person sets the priorities, but doesn't really lay out a step-by-step plan. This type of emotional leadership is powerful because laying out a broad vision enables people to coordinate by sharing information, and also puts them in a position to motivate each other as they struggle towards that goal. The main drawback of the visionary leader is that this style of emotional leadership often falls short when trying to motivate experienced team members. When you're dealing with experts, you're dealing with people who have their own vision. You're dealing with people who have seen alternative paths or know alternative paths. It takes a lot more convincing power to motivate these people. In many cases, the better approach with people who have clear alternative visions is to invite them to the table. Get them to feel that they have 'skin in the game' by working with them to fit their existing experience and vision to the grand vision you have in mind. The best situation to apply this type of emotional leadership is when your group needs a new direction. If your group has tried a lot of different ways to get somewhere or has tried many different goals and hasn't gone anywhere, a visionary approach works the best. This leadership technique is effective because it has a strong impact on the climate surrounding your team. In practical terms, this emotional leadership approach works best when you're dealing with a friend who is confused or distracted. This person is just looking for direction and would be very open minded to ideas and directions you have. As long as you are clear as to the benefits this person would gain, your confused friend shouldn't have a problem following your emotional lead. The coaching leader. The coaching leader is really a facilitator. This person connects personal wants of team members to the goals of a particular organization. This person facilitates conversations that go beyond the specific issues facing the team in the workplace or at school. Instead, this person helps team members dig deep within themselves to identify weaknesses and strengths, and how these can tie in to their personal goals as well as their ways of doing things. Coaching leaders are also great at delegating assignments, and they are very demonstrative of the faith that they place on team members. A coaching leader style of emotional leadership often
produces a high degree of loyalty. Whenever you show trust and faith in somebody, they can't help but reciprocate it. The drawback of this emotional leadership style is that it can easily come off as micro-managing. By digging so deeply into the personal lives of your friends and associates, it may seem like you are prying or directing people regarding minute life details. It is too easy to be misunderstood as a busybody or 'know it all' when you use this emotional leadership style the wrong way. The best use of this type of emotional leadership is when you're dealing with somebody who is immature. If you're dealing with people who are a long way off from reaching their full capabilities, a coaching leadership style works great. This approach is very effective because this has a very positive impact on the climate of your relationships. The affiliative leader. The affiliative leader is somebody who focuses on harmony. This is a person who tries to get all team members or friends more deeply connected with each other. The hope is that once these connections are made, people would collaborate because they have become emotionally invested in their connections. This person works primarily to get people to open up instead of necessarily getting stuff done. When performed badly, this leadership method doesn't get to the bottom of things. You have to remember that when you're building emotional networks and you're trying to build connections among people, you have to deal with distressing situations like negative feedback. You simply cannot avoid them. You need to look at them straight in the eye. Unfortunately, bad implementations of the affiliative leader approach focuses so much on making people feel good that negative yet crucial feedback is often swept under the rug. People are often given the wrong impression that the key to solving issues is to constantly talk and talk about it. This can lead to serious problems down the road. At the very least, you can turn a lot of your friends into annoying whiners with this emotional leadership technique. The best use of the affiliative leader approach is to pair it with a visionary style leadership. In other words, lay out a grand vision and then work on building emotional connections. The secret to success is to get people emotionally invested in the grand vision for the team. The affiliative leader approach works well if you're trying to patch things up with friends. If your friendship went through a rough spot and people got mad at each other, this emotional leadership approach is a great way of healing rifts and getting the team united so that they can successfully survive stressful situations. The democratic leader. The democratic emotional leader is very big on process. This person works to get as many different inputs as possible from team members. If you are trying to be the emotional leader of your group of
friends and you're trying to use the democratic leadership approach, your focus isn't necessarily on finding the right answer. Instead, your focus is on simply getting people to participate by sharing their point of view. You have to be a really good listener because the stuff people will tell you will often be a mix of both good news and bad news. The secret to this emotional leadership approach is really execution. It all depends on how you perform. If you do it badly, it looks like you're simply listening to a lot of people but very little is being achieved. You have to understand that people don't like to waste their time. When people share, they share because they want to achieve certain objectives. They share because they want to get certain things done. If you get so caught up in the whole democratic leadership method and you define it narrowly as simply listening, you might end up making people feel that they just wasted their time. Instead of resolving issues or uniting people, they might feel that speaking up and sharing their input is useless. The best use of the democratic leader approach is to employ it to get people to buy into a grand vision or goal. Also, if you don't already have a preset agenda or a preset answer, this is a great way to gather information. Other than that, you need to approach this leadership style with caution. You might be creating more problems than you are solving. The pace-setting leader. The pace-setting leader creates goals and sets up challenges for the team. This person would set up certain objectives and set the standard for excellence. These leaders are effective leaders because they exemplify their standards. They show people how to get stuff done because they themselves live out their goals. In other words, they act as models for the team. In terms of emotional leadership, people who use this leadership style identify friends who are going through a tough time and sit them down. They push these people forward by demanding more of them. They know that people who have a tough time reaching certain goals are simply slacking or not expecting enough out of themselves. By sitting people down, demanding more of them, and offering to work with them, they motivate them to get going. They motivate their friends to get their house in order. The most common downside to this type of emotional leadership is that it tends to be light on guidance. You don't really break things down for people so they can do what you want them to do. In many cases, you just tell them that they need to get their act together and you expect them to know what that means. You set up a destination and you expect them to instinctively know how to get there. This can be a serious issue. When you're dealing with your friends, you might get short-term results that get them out of emotional ruts or depression. But over the long haul, this type of emotional leadership might put a lot of strain on your friendship. You might even reach the point where your friends would consciously seek to avoid you because they feel you expect too much from them. Simply put, bad implementation of this emotional leadership style betrays a lack of emotional
intelligence and compassion. In many cases, being an overly pace-setting emotional leader may make you look like you don't have much self-management or self-control skills. This emotional leadership style works best if you're dealing with somebody who is already competent and motivated. In other words, you're dealing with somebody who knows that they have a problem and they know how to get there. They just need motivation. They just need people to place trust in them and to model or exemplify success. However, if you're dealing with somebody who is not really all that motivated or is quite unclear as to where to get from point A to point B, pace-setting leadership doesn't work. It can often poison the climate of your friendship and send the wrong signals. Instead of motivating somebody, done badly, the pace-setting leadership style may appear like you're judging your friend. The commanding leader. The commanding leader emotionally manages people by soothing their fears, giving them clear direction, and telling them what to do. This leadership style is very problematic because you have to have a high degree of self-control to pull this off. Otherwise, you can come off as cold, distant, and uncaring. Of course, when you're trying to sooth a friend and get your friend going again, the last thing you want to do is to come off as cold and distant. The commanding leadership style really works best only in one particular circumstance. If your friend is going through a personal crisis and simply just needs rapid action, this type of leadership approach might work. Also, it works with people who can't seem to respond to other types of emotional leadership. Suffice to say, this is an emotional leadership style that should be a last resort. If done badly, it can cause more problems than it solves. By understanding the six major emotional leadership styles, you can position yourself to adapt your emotional leadership approach to each person and each situation. Different people have different needs. These needs and preferences often change with time. By being aware of these different emotional leadership styles and the circumstances in which they work best, you can put yourself in a position to become exactly the kind of person your friends need at a certain time. This obviously makes you not just likeable, but in many cases, emotionally indispensable. It all boils down to how you classify circumstances and how you read the receptivity of your friends.
Chapter 13: How to avoid judgment and assumptions. If you don’t know much about someone, it’s natural that we fill in the blanks with information that is largely drawn from stereotypes. For example, if you meet someone that plays tennis and belonged to a country club, you might assume that they were rich growing up, lived on an estate, and haven’t had to work very hard in their life. While it may be accurate, it’s not fair and not always a positive thing. In fact, it’s usually negative to have assumptions made about you, and this is something you want to avoid. How can we avoid being judged by people? The science. In 1989, Hilton and Fein set out to find out the cause of people’s judgments, assumptions, and stereotyping. The cause was by and large a lack of information about a subject, which caused them to fill in the gaps with stereotypical, assumed information. To prevent stereotyping and being instantly judged, Hilary and Fein found that simply providing details about the subject, completely unrelated to the stereotype in mind, diluted the stereotype and made people more likely to trust and like others. What does this mean for us? There is no such thing as Too Much Information (TMI). You can make people like you more, stereotype you less, and emotionally invest in you more by providing seemingly useless and nonsensical details about your life. People like to make fun of TMI, but the reality is that TMI can ultimately make you more likable! Oversharing can actually make people emotionally invest in you more. You become less of a threat and more of a known quantity. People become less suspicious of you and are more willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. By seemingly sharing trivial information about your past, you develop a high degree of familiarity. And again, it doesn’t even matter if the details are relevant to your identity, career, non-threatening nature, or life. You can share your preference of glasses brand, your favorite color, and perhaps where you went to school. The more information about you that is out there, the less readily people can judge and stereotype you, simply because you won’t fit those stereotypes and assumptions
anymore. For example, what if we learned that the person that plays tennis and belongs to a country club was poor growing up, and went to college on a tennis scholarship? Does that change your view of them? We certainly wouldn’t stereotype and make more assumptions about them like we previously did. People suddenly become three dimensional, and not the static character biographies that we see in movies. They are humanized, and we eventually realize that all humans are complex amalgamations. In reality, you really haven't given anything profound. You really haven't given any detail that's fundamentally important or useful. But that’s not the point. Oversharing to maximize likeability is to get people to feel that they know different sides of you. People will reciprocate. When you just spout out all sorts of details about your life out there, it's very easy for people to feel drawn to you and feel that they know you at an intimate level. They’re getting a glimpse into your inner workings. In reality, you're simply spouting out harmless information that is neither here nor there. However, in the minds of people around you, they feel that you trust them enough to share these intimate details that they can't help but be drawn to you. They can't help but reciprocate that feeling of trust by liking you more. At a fairly shallow level, this works because it makes you look human. It makes you easier to relate to because you have all these details and you are being vulnerable and open about it. As I have mentioned earlier, an air of vulnerability gets people to like you more because in their minds, you are easier to approach. When you are easier to approach, it's easier for them to identify with you and approach you. Overcoming stereotypes. Let's face it, stereotypes surround us. We all make all sorts of prejudgments about each other that arise from physical and personal attributes. This is not necessarily bad. In fact, I would argue that the reason why human beings automatically stereotype each other is that it flows from our survival instincts. Stereotyping lions and lion-shaped creatures was probably helpful to survival. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with stereotypes per se. However, when we use stereotypes to cut people out and dismiss people, it becomes harmful. These people might exactly be the type of people we need to meet. These people might be the type of people we need in our lives to enrich our personal experience.
You can defeat stereotypes people have about you by oversharing. When you throw out a lot of details, a lot of the mutual suspicion goes down and people feel more at ease around you. If the information you send out there is consistent and seem to paint you in a vulnerable light, people might even become emotionally invested enough in you to want to protect you. After all, enough nonsensical detail eventually paints a fairly accurate picture about who you really are.
Chapter 14: How to make people want you around. One of the running themes in this book is that human beings may seem very complicated, but the choices we make are actually very straightforward. You can come up with many theories about the motivations people have for certain things, but it’s a very simple subconscious process the vast majority of the time. Here’s another seemingly complicated puzzle that can be explained in an exceedingly simple manner. We tend to gravitate towards people that make us feel good, and away from things that make us feel pain. But we also gravitate towards people and things associated with the people that make us feel good, and this is called classical conditioning. How does this relate to making people want you around more? The science. We are all familiar with Pavlov’s experiments with his dog. He paired a bell with feeding his dog, so eventually his dog salivated at only the sound of the bell. Classical conditioning works subconsciously with people as well. Byrne and Clore in 1970 expanded on Pavlov’s findings, and discovered that if people are nearby when we feel good, even if they were not involved in creating the good feelings, eventually we begin to feel good whenever they are around. In other words, you can become the bell and your presence alone can bring good feelings. The way you make people want you around is to become associated with their good feelings! There are a few ways you can do this. Pleasantness and positivity pays off. Let’s recap – people enjoy being happy, so they will naturally want to be around the causes of their happiness. That’s why simply being pleasant and positive will pay off in the long run.
You'll be surprised as to how effective staying in a good mood, putting on a happy face, praising others, and complimenting others can be. In our everyday world, there are a lot of unpleasant people, and most people are too absorbed in their own muck to be cheerful to others. If you are that one ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary day, what do you think will happen? Easy. People will associate positive feelings with you, and eventually in a subconscious manner, they will be calling you asking you to hang out… not even sure why they want to! It’s the brain’s way of telling them to continue letting them produce endorphins. In this case, you are the food in Pavlov’s experiment – the direct cause of positive feelings. Of course people will want you around if they’re starving. In the same way, of course people will want you around if you make them feel good about themselves! It’s just not an approach to human interaction that we often take, as again, we are usually too absorbed in our lives to focus on others in such a way. In fact, one way that people can use is to literally bring food to any gathering that they attend! People will begin to welcome your presence regardless of the occasion, and they won’t even realize that it may be because of the food instead of your shining personality. They’ll just want you around, end of story. You're building a personal brand with people. You want your brand to be associated with good times and good feelings. You jump-start this process by getting people to feel good around you. This doesn't really take all that much effort. As long as you honestly compliment them as well as giving them a smile or sending out positive vibrations, people will start feeling positive around you. Associate with people’s favorite things. The previous point was about becoming the food that Pavlov fed his dogs – the direct cause of good feelings. What about becoming the bell? That process is equally as easy. Pavlov’s dog salivated when he heard the bell because the bell was associated with something that the dog loved, the food. So to become the bell, you just need to figure out what someone’s favorite things are, and present yourself with them. In other words, if someone loves ice cream, bring ice cream to a gathering or go with them to their favorite ice cream parlor. If someone loves Lake Michigan, make it known that you’re thinking of checking it out, or plan a trip there with them. If someone loves dogs, kidnap a friend’s dog with them or visit the SPCA (human society) with them. As you can see, it’s a matter of doing a little bit of research, and then displaying both yourself and the things they love.
In all these cases, repeated exposure will induce the best conditioning, and make people want to be around you more once the dog or ice cream is removed. It's really all about association.
Chapter 15: How to be credible and trustworthy. Who was the last person that you thought there was something ‘off’ about? You might not have been able to explain it, but you just got a ‘bad vibe’ from them and subsequently didn’t feel like you could trust them. Scientifically speaking, there are a wealth of tiny and subtle signs that can either increase someone’s credibility and trustworthiness, or tank it. If you’ve had any media training, or simply watched a politician interact with the media, you’ll know that credibility doesn’t just happen by accident. It’s a finely-tuned science that can literally make or break people. There are specific indicators that subconsciously signal that this person isn’t a threat, and in fact should be followed and listened to. Credibility can only occur if these different signs show up. With credibility comes trust and all other positive benefits of friendship. What is a credible person? As recently as 1999, Gass and Selter sought to study credibility. What causes it? They discovered a host of subtle indicators of credibility, as well as a host of signs that undermined credibility. Before we go into the signs that have to be present for people to view you as credible, it's worth noting that credibility is context dependent. You may be viewed as trustworthy in one situation. However, if the situation changes, you might be viewed as completely incompetent. Credibility enhancers. Here are the signs that need to be in play for people to think you're credible. In other words, these signs build up your credibility. Highlight your past experience and your qualifications. People are looking for some sort of objective indication that you know what you're talking about. At the very least, they want to see facts that would support a conclusion that whatever judgments or decisions you make are based on something real. This is important for most people because if you've already seen something in the past, chances are you know the right things to do. You would know the right kind of information so that the right decisions are made. If you don’t have relevant experience, it’s still possible to spin a related experience into a relevant angle.
Display how much you care. If it's obvious that you truly care about the other people and have their best interest at heart, they are more likely to trust you. You simply wouldn’t act in any other way except to help them. However, if people can sense that you're simply looking to get a sale or line your own pockets, they are less likely to trust you. There is a conflict of interest here. They might feel that you are just too busy trying to benefit yourself instead of actually looking out for them. Similarity. When people see that you are similar to them in terms of dress, body language, speaking style, as well as mother tongue, they are more likely to view you as credible. This should not be a surprise – in fact, there is an entire chapter devoted to this phenomenon already. People tend to like other people who are like them. This is especially true if it appears that you share the same values as the people you're trying to impress. They’ll believe you because people automatically trust those similar to them, such as their family. Appear assertive. If you are very assertive regarding your positions and you quickly and rationally destroy counterarguments, this makes you look like an expert. This means that you know what you're talking about. Chances are people can trust your judgments because you know the other side of the argument and can convincingly make those arguments go away. In other words, the more decisively you act, the more credible you appear. Gain social proof. When other credible people recommend you, chances are people will be less suspicious of you. If people they know and trust as experts recommend you, then you are essentially riding on the coattails of those people. You don't have to convince people because people they trust already open the doors for you. This is an extremely important competitive advantage. Unfortunately, not everybody can tap into this. This is what’s behind every introduction, ever. People will take a chance on you because someone vouched for you, and that’s a powerful statement. Credibility destroyers. There are certain signals you can send out that can erode your credibility. If you contradict yourself, that's a red flag. If you speak in a very hesitant manner where you are always saying Ummm, Ahhh, Uhhh, and other verbal ticks, this can give people the subconscious impression that you're lying to them. At the very least, it may give them the impression that you don't know what you're talking about.
If you are caught telling a lie or an obvious exaggeration, this can vaporize whatever credibility you've built up. If you're unsure about a certain assertion, follow this simple rule: when in doubt, leave it out. You have to remember that people will always ask you a lot of questions, and in many cases, you don't have answers to those questions. Instead of trying to look like a hero and come up with an answer that you guessed, you would be better off simply telling people you don't know or you'd get back to them. People love to say the phrase "I guess". It has a way of keeping the conversation going and filling potentially awkward silences. The problem is when you say that phrase too frequently, it undermines your credibility. You have to remember that there is a big and wide gulf of difference between knowing something and guessing something. You'll do yourself a big favor by eliminating this phrase from your vocabulary. Finally, avoid being overly polite. Surprised? By being excessively polite and brownnosing, you come off as weak and tentative, which means that your opinions will also be taken as such. You have to remember that people are looking for people they can listen to and follow. If you are so busy walking on eggshells around them, you're sending off the wrong signals. When we apply for jobs, we make sure to include all of these factors and pay special attention to them. But credibility is just as important in the social arena, so it pays to be aware of what will subconsciously shift you into a person that others will seek to listen to.
Chapter 16: How to win a majority vote. In previous chapters, I've taught you how to win individuals over. In this chapter, I'm going to teach you how to win groups of people over. The good news is that when people are in groups, they tend to develop herd mentality. This means that to win groups over, you don’t actually have to win everyone over. You just have to focus on a couple of particular aspects that capitalize on groupthink, and you will succeed. The science. In 1981, Latane and Wolf expanded on Latane’s earlier work on group social dynamics and his social impact theory. They found that group dynamics are largely a function of three factors: the number of people in the majority group, how close the people are to you, and how important the group is to you. There is almost always one or two linchpin people that satisfy all three of those requirements to power in group dynamics. This is behind all groupthink, mob mentality, and influences us all every day subconsciously. Group dynamics. First of all, groups tend to designate one particular member as a leader and everybody else as a follower. It’s not conscious, it’s just an inevitable social dynamic that occurs whenever people gather. Whenever a group tries to decide where to go to dinner, there is always someone who speaks up first, and who others look to approve and make the final decision. This dynamic actually makes your job all that much easier. By focusing on these influencers that act as linchpins for the group, you can spend less effort winning the group over and still achieve your goals. You only need to work on these influential people for you to get the group to agree with you or like you. Good marketers know this. Bad marketers think the secret to traction and popularity is to be liked by everyone individually – each social media account to be liked and followed. This numbers-driven approach doesn't work.
The secret to marketing and getting groups of people to like you is to focus on influencers – ones that people follow and listen to. When you win those people over, their credibility and expertise rub off on you. Their followers would then have no problem listening to you in return because you have proven to them that you are worth following because somebody they admire and respect follows you or at least trusts you. So in friend groups, you can spend a lot of time, effort, and resources contacting each individual friend and trying to win them over. That takes too many resources, and at some point becomes somewhat political when you’re running deals behind everyone else’s back. At the end of the day, you're not even guaranteed that you would win the group over. Instead it's a much better use of your time and energy to focus on the linchpin of that group. Who’s who? The first step in winning a group over is to find out who's who. Figure out who the leaders are and figure out who the followers of the group are. This is not as complicated as you might think it is. It just takes a bit of observation in how people react in situations where a decision must be made. It’s not even just who people figuratively look to – it’s who they physically and literally look to. When confronted with a situation where people aren’t sure how to react, followers will look at what their leader is doing so they can react appropriately. Another way to tell who a leader or follower is to take note of who takes the initiative to plan events and activities. Chances are that they are relied upon to do so. Followers on the whole are more passive in group dynamics, and may just be comfortable going with the flow. They don’t make decisions, and always look to others to act first. Once you have your leader and followers sorted out, you’ll know who to cozy up to and gain the ear of. Give your words more weight. By working with the acknowledged leaders of any social group, you feed off their credibility. You eventually get them to sign off on your own leadership ability. In other words, they lend a lot of their credibility and expertise to you. Even if you don’t outright want to influence decisions, you can change the leader ’s mind and they can change the groupthink for you. This is extremely important because the more respected leaders you get in your corner, the higher in the group's ecosystem you will be.
Conclusion Looks like my psychology has paid off! No, the jury is still out on that one, but it’s certainly helped me learn how to become more likable and charming in my daily life. But it’s not like I ask everyone what we have in common when I first ask them, or purposefully trip over curbs to appear vulnerable and likable. Nor do I constantly ask people what they did that day, or provide nonsensical information about myself to avoid stereotyping. That wouldn’t quite be the optimal way to use the knowledge in this book. Just as the way these psychological phenomena subconsciously affect others, you should invoke them subtly and subconsciously as well. The effects aren’t something that you are going to be able to quantify immediately, so it’s best to integrate these practices into your daily life in small steps. It’s actually a win-win to integrate thusly, because you’re also creating good social habits that, beyond the psychological benefits, just make you a better person to be around. The science of likability – it’s how you can use empirical studies and evidence to make people like you. Even if you don’t trust yourself, your intuition, or other people’s advice, rest assured that you are not being steered the wrong way here. That’s the beauty of the scientific method! Sincerely, Patrick King Dating and Social Skills Coach www.PatrickKingConsulting.com P.S. If you enjoyed this book, please don’t be shy and drop me a line, leave a review, or both! I love reading feedback, and reviews are the lifeblood of Kindle books, so they are always welcome and greatly appreciated. Other books by Patrick King include: CHATTER: Small Talk, Charisma, and How to Talk to Anyone http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00J5HH2Y6
MAGNETIC: How to Impress, Connect, and Influence http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00ON8WJKY
Conversationally Speaking: WHAT to Say, WHEN to Say It, and HOW to Never Run Out of Things To Say http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00U4EE1BG
Cheat Sheet
Chapter 1: How to influence people’s moods. Since moods do not exist in a vacuum, they can be influenced by bringing up people, places, and things that were present at the time of those moods at prior occasions. If you deduce that someone is in a poor mood and you want to cheer them up, talk about aspects that were present at their last joyous mood. Chapter 2: How to read people like a book. People feel a physical reaction first, then assign an emotion based on what caused the arousal. If you can pinpoint what happened in someone’s day and how strongly they felt about it, you can determine their mood easily even if they don’t make it clear. Chapter 3: How to make friends out of enemies. The Benjamin Franklin effect is a lesson in cognitive dissonance. If you ask someone to do a small favor for you, it makes them like you more because of how they must rationalize it to themselves internally. Chapter 4: How to never be taken advantage of. Relationships and friendships are happiest when there is parity. If you insist on parity and eliminate feelings of resentment or guilt for other people, they will regard you as trustworthy, a good friend, and likable. Keep an internal tally of where the pendulum swings in your important relationships. Chapter 5: How to instantly become a close friend. We become the people that others perceive us to be. This means that if you act a certain way, people will treat you that way, especially if you act in a way that is vaguely familiar to them that allows them to transfer feelings onto you. Therefore, act like a close friend, become a close friend. Chapter 6: How to negotiate anything and be persuasive. Two techniques that are seemingly contradictory of each other are extremely effective to negotiating whatever you want. The door in the face technique involves leading with an offer that is extremely high and unreasonable, the purpose of which is to be rejected and have your subsequent offers appear
reasonable. The foot in the door technique involves leading with someone that is easy to say yes to, and to gain continual compliance as you work towards your original objective. Chapter 7: How to instantly bond with someone. People like those that are similar to them. Capitalize on this by instantly investigating what similarities you have with someone and emphasizing them. The smaller, more subtle, and more obscure similarities the better, because that immediately puts you into a club of two people. Chapter 8: How to make people trust you. Trust, as it turns out, is a linear quantity. The more you see someone, the more you trust them up to a certain extent. This means that showing up is half the battle, and if you want to gain someone’s trust, you should make yourself seen whenever possible. Chapter 9: How to get into someone’s inner circle. Relationships move forward in three distinct phases – stimulus, values, and then role stages. The key to moving into someone’s inner circle is to first realize which stage of friendship you are in, and then fulfill the implicit requirements that people are looking for in each stage. Chapter 10: How to be endearing to anyone. The Pratfall effect documents our love of vulnerability. If you are somewhat unpolished and clumsy in presentation, as opposed to picture perfect, people will feel at ease and comfortable with you. Chapter 11: How to make people do what you want. Reactance is a fancy term for reverse psychology. When we’re pushed to do something, it makes us want to do the opposite, and you can use this inclination to your advantage. Chapter 12: How to be a leader that anyone will follow. There are six different types of leaders that the vast majority of people respond to. Pinpoint which type will work best with people that you are trying to convince of something, and watch your compliance rates skyrocket. Chapter 13: How to avoid judgment and assumptions. Judgments and assumptions are created when you have little to no knowledge about someone – so you fill in the gaps with what you assume might be true given the circumstances. Therefore, the more knowledge the better to avoid judgment, assumptions, and stereotyping – and the knowledge doesn’t even have to be related or relevant. The more information in general, the more three-dimensional one becomes. Chapter 14: How to make people want you around. People feed off feeling good, so it’s no surprise that people will want you around if you can make
them feel that. You can do this directly, by being positive and complimentary, or you can do this indirectly by associating yourself with things and people that make them feel good. Chapter 15: How to be credible and trustworthy. Credibility is made or broken based on small, subtle signs that denote authority, confidence, and objective right. Chapter 16: How to win a majority vote. Group dynamics inevitably cause a leader to take charge, even if they are passive about it and not fully aware. As such, the rest are followers, implicitly looking for someone to follow. If you can focus your efforts on the leader, you can more easily win a majority vote within a group.
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