Schools Out the Musical

THE FAIRLY ODDPARENTS “School’s Out: The Musical” #217-220

Written by: Butch Hartman and Steve Marmel

As Broadcast Script: 8.30.04

Nickelodeon Animation Studio C2003 Viacom International Inc.

The Fairly OddParents: “School’s Out – The Musical” As Broadcast Script 8.30.04

FLUNKY Oh Flooky! Up ahead! We don't have much time. FLOOKY Oh, Flunky! Are you sure there's no other way? FLUNKY I'm a clown. The only thing thing I'm sure sure of is that seltzer is funny. funny. Ha ha ha. We don't have much time. We don't have much time. We have to save our son if we want him to carry on our super hilarious -FLOOKY And kind of creepy -FLUNKY Clown heritage! EVEL KNIEVEL Hey! This is my bullet! BABY FLAPPY Mama. Goo goo. SANDERSON Well, H.P., once again our 37-year antifun plan to take over Fairyworld has been thwarted. H.P. Yes, Yes, Sanderson. It seems that as long as there are Fairies on Earth, we will never get the upper hand. SANDERSON I can't believe they're making us drive home this time. FLUNKY AND FLOOKY Goodbye, Flappy! Flappy! We love love you!!!! you!!!! FLUNKY AND FLOOKY

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FLUNKY Oh Flooky! Up ahead! We don't have much time. FLOOKY Oh, Flunky! Are you sure there's no other way? FLUNKY I'm a clown. The only thing thing I'm sure sure of is that seltzer is funny. funny. Ha ha ha. We don't have much time. We don't have much time. We have to save our son if we want him to carry on our super hilarious -FLOOKY And kind of creepy -FLUNKY Clown heritage! EVEL KNIEVEL Hey! This is my bullet! BABY FLAPPY Mama. Goo goo. SANDERSON Well, H.P., once again our 37-year antifun plan to take over Fairyworld has been thwarted. H.P. Yes, Yes, Sanderson. It seems that as long as there are Fairies on Earth, we will never get the upper hand. SANDERSON I can't believe they're making us drive home this time. FLUNKY AND FLOOKY Goodbye, Flappy! Flappy! We love love you!!!! you!!!! FLUNKY AND FLOOKY

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Ahhhh!

FLUNKY I knew I should have finished law school! FLUNKY Didn't see that turn there. FLOOKY Me neither neit her..

FLOOKY AND FLUNKY (beat; then) OUR BABY!!! FLOOKY I thought you said there was no other way! FLUNKY (incredulous) I'm a CLOWN!!! SANDERSON Want to stop for a corn corn dog? Nachos? Perhaps Perhaps a slushy? H.P. No. What I want is to find an unwitting human pawn. Perhaps a baby. baby. We could take 37 years to mold it into our ultimate weapon. But what are the odds of that? EVEL KNIEVEL Whew! Good thing I was wearing my helmet! Ahhh! (beat) I'm OK! BABY FLAPPY <> H.P. Sanderson? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful new 37-year plan... H.P. AND SANDERSON <> TIMMY (V.O.)

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Come on...come on...

TIMMY ...be 3:00 already! Be the first day of summer already! AJ Timmy, Timmy, you can't manipulate the fabric of time by staring at the clock. Time bends for no man. CHESTER Yeah, Yeah, but we're boys! It's worth worth a try! (glares at clock) BE THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER ALREADY! SFX:

CHESTER I DID IT! I am the Lord of Time!!! WANDA Oh, hurry up, clock! It's a almost lmost summer! COSMO Yay! Yay! Summer is the time time of year when we get to constantly use our magic and hang with Timmy without the annoying interruption of the educational system! (SCREAMS AT CLOCK) Come on already! H.P. Yes. Yes. Come on already. It's been 37 years. Now it's time to put our plan into action. And this is the year, finally, all the magic will be ours. In five... ALL KIDS IN CLASS FOUR!

MOM THREE!!! DAD TWO!!! ALL FAIRIES

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One!

ALL FAIRIES WAHOOOO!!!!! SFX:

KIDS WAHOOOO!!! SONG #1 - "KIDS JUST BEING KIDS" TIMMY The bell rings! School's done! Time for eight straight weeks and fun!

of sun

CHESTER No shirts! No shoes!

KIDS Ew!

FRANCIS Beatin' kids up any time I choose! VERONICA The beach! The mall!

SANJAY Family visits to the Taj Mahal! TIMMY You can do the things your parents forbid... CHESTER (spoken) Like streak! KIDS 'Cause Summer's not a bummer 'cuz we're kids just bein' kids!

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COSMO It's time! It's here!

COSMO AND WANDA My very, very favorite time of year! WANDA No school! Just play!

COSMO Granting wishes the entire day! WANDA Are you really sure that this is allowed? SANDERSON We should help them be destructive and loud! KIDS Cause we're kids just being kids! Running wild and running free! Kids just being kids! CHESTER What can I TP? KIDS Kids just being kids! Close your eyes and count to three! MOM AND DAD There's nowhere safe for you and me with those kids just being kids! MOM My house! My yard!

SANJAY'S DAD

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Who bought rockets with my credit card? SFX: SFX:

DINKLEBERG My Porsche! MS. DINKLEBERG My word!

CROCKER It's not my problem 'til September third! MAYOR (O.S.) My town!

CHOMPY Baaaa!

MAYOR Right! Something horrible is going down! ADULTS They can do those things That their parents forbid! CHESTER Like streak!

ADULTS They'll kill themselves this summer 'cuz they're kids just being kids! FINAL CHORUS ADULTS Kids just being kids! Wrecking things and ruining stuff! Kids just being kids! SANDERSON Are you sure that this is enough?

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TIMMY No!!

ADULTS Kids just being kids, taking risks, we must act tough! And save our kids from all the stuff... taking risks, we must act tough and save our kids from all the stuff ...of kids just being kids! END OF SONG. CROCKER It's not supposed to be my problem until September 3rd! MAYOR Look at those kids! (to O.S.) What do you think I should do? CHOMPY <> MAYOR No, no...our military's spread too thin as it is. CHOMPY <> MAYOR A town meeting...that's a great idea! MAYOR This your worst idea ever! CHET UBETCHA Get OFF you little--I mean equally-sized-brats!!! CHET UBETCHA

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I'm Chet UBetcha and I demand to talk to--I mean blame--the Mayor for everything that's happened!!

CROWD <>

MAYOR (panicked) Wait! He's the Mayor! I'm the goat! See? I'm eating a tin can! BAAAAA!! CHOMPY <> DAD How can you just sit there "Baaaaaaing" when our children are injuring themselves and, more importantly, our stuff? CHOMPY <> MOM I don't speak goat, but I don't like the tone or smell of our new goat mayor! CROCKER Isn't he technically naked? CHOMPY <> MAYOR What are you coming after me for?!! He's the Mayor! (screams CHOMPY! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?! FLAPPY BOB (O.S.) STOP!!!

ALL ADULTS (V.O.) FLAPPY BOB?!?! FLAPPY BOB

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That's right, folks. It's me - Flappy Bob! Owner, proprietor and Chief Operating Officer of Flappy Bob's Learnatorium! SFX: <>

FLAPPY BOB HA HA HA! (catches self) Sorry! Terribly sorry.

DAD Flappy Bob? I always thought you were a clown! FLAPPY BOB I'm no clown... FLAPPY BOB I'm the guy with the answer to all your summertime problems. Allow me to present... FLAPPY BOB ...Camp Learnatorium! A brand new, 24hours-a-day, all-summer-long day care center and educational camp! DAD We can't put them in the Learnatorium all summer, can we? FLAPPY BOB Of course you can! With a major credit card! (happily again) Gary? Betty? SONG #2 - "GET FLAPPY" FLAPPY BOB You're sitting here complaining! 'Bout all that you've been through. With the whole summer remaining, you must be asking "Who...?" ...can protect your little darlings from the bad things you abhor.

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Let me tell you Flappy Bob's the clown you're looking for! Before they skin their knees! Get Flappy! Before they're black and blue! Get Flappy! Before they've caught TB! Get Flappy! Or keep annoying you! Before they break their necks! Get Flappy! Before they break their arms! Before they're all but wrecks, Get Flappy! Before they do more harm!

GARY AND BETTY (cheering) Flap flap flap flap flappity doo! Flappy is the clown for you! Flap flap flap flap flappity die! He's the clown for you and I! Flap Flappity Oh! Flappy is the way to go! TIMMY Do you hear what I'm hearing? No! This cannot be true! That clown's about to take summer away from me and you! FRANCIS No more engine sling shots? CHESTER No more naked runs? TIMMY No! If we don't act now we'll be trapped at Camp Learnatorium! Before he steals our summer! Before it's check and mate! We've gotta stop that Flappy Bob Before it's way too late!

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FLAPPY BOB Why sit here just complaining? Why even take the chance? Leave your kiddies with the chap who wears the polka-dotted pants! I know that it seems harsh! KIDS It is!

FLAPPY BOB And a little bit unfair! KIDS You're right! FLAPPY BOB But someone's gotta be there when you know you can't be there! DAD Or don't wanna be! FLAPPY BOB It might be a tad expensive! But let me ask of you! Won't it cost more down the line... If the cops are blaming you! For the injuries incurred while your children wreck the town! You can learn to love your cell mate, or just learn to love this clown! Get Flappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... GARY AND BETTY Flap flap flap flap flappity doo!!! flap flap flap flappity dee! FLAPPY BOB AND ADULTS Get Flappyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! GARY AND BETTY Flap flap flap flap flappity die!! Flap flap flap flappity doh! ALL ADULTS GET FLAPPY!!!

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END OF SONG. CHET UBETCHA You heard it here first, folks! This is Chet UBetcha saying that starting tomorrow, every kid in Dimmsdale is to report to Flappy Bob's Camp Learnatorium... for the rest of the summer! HA! HA! HA! (beat) I mean, for their own good! KIDS No!

FLAPPY BOB <> Sorry. Sorry. END OF ACT ONE.

ACT TWO MOM Wow! For a second there, I thought the kids might not enjoy spending the summer at Camp Learnatorium, and then I thought...WHO CARES? DAD Right! I'll bet the kids have a great time! And if they don't? WHO CARES? MOM AND DAD

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Yay!

FLAPPY BOB Have a nice summer! KID #1 How am I supposed to pee in this? GARY Everything looks safe and sound! I'll go get the padded encyclopedia! BETTY Neat! I'll get the broccoli! And the funnel! TIMMY I can't take spending the whole summer here! I've only been here five minutes and I'm ready to pull my hair out! COSMO Well, don't give it to me, I'll just cough it back up! <> COSMO AND WANDA AHHH! PIXIES! TIMMY What do you cone domes want? It's already boring enough here! COSMO <> H.P. Oh! Hi, Turner. Don't mind us, we're just enjoying the show. SANDERSON Your misery is like going to the movies for us. Want some popcorn? H.P. It's unsalted and unbuttered, right? SANDERSON And unpopped!

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H.P. You know, Turner. All your misery has one common denominator...adults. TIMMY Wait a minute... What do you mean adults? SONG #3 - "ADULTS RUIN EVERYTHING!" H.P. Who shuts the mall down early? SANDERSON Who wants you in by dark? TIMMY Yeah! Who gets all mad and surly... ...when we make a smart remark? Who do we have to hide from from Dimmsdale to old Beijing? They're taking away our summer adults ruin everything!

TIMMY Adults ruin everything! With all their rules and laws! Adults ruin everything! We must fight back because! Adults ruin everything! Time and time again! Adults ruin everything! Trust no one over ten! CHESTER I'd feed the whole world ice cream! VERONICA I'd super-size the mall! AJ I'd melt stuff with my heat beam! H.P. (to Timmy) Too bad it's not your call.

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TIMMY But I've got two magic Fairies! COSMO Wands waiting to be twirled! TIMMY Adults could not ruin everything if us kids ran the world! ALL KIDS Adults ruin everything! But kids would run things right! Adults ruin everything, but we know we can fight! Adults ruin everything! That's how this day unfurled! But that won't happen if I wish That kids could rule the world! TIMMY

Who gets to set the curfews? ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

Who gets to make the laws? ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

There's one adult left we all trust! And his name is Santa Claus! ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

Who gets to run the country? ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

Who gets to say what's cool?

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ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

How can I put it bluntly? ALL KIDS

KIDS! TIMMY

Now it's kids who rule!!!

KIDS Adults ruin everything and now it's kids who rule! END OF SONG. CHESTER Heads down! GARY This is scary. Kids are ruling the earth. Hold me! BETTY But I don't like you like that! GARY But I need to be held! FLAPPY BOB No. She doesn't like you like that. SANDERSON (V.O.) Phase Two is complete, H.P. H.P. Yes, Sanderson. It's almost as though we're finally unstoppable, Sanderson. How is that possible? SANDERSON Must I break it down for you? H.P. Yes. Break it down. It would be criminal if you didn't.

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SONG #4 - "WE'RE PIXIES!" SANDERSON Yeah! We're Pixies! Yeah! We're Pixies! We're Pixies! Check out our mad, wicked mixies! We've got square heads! Big pointy caps! Clean out your ears and hear my rap! You're H.P., yo! You are in charge! H.P. I may be small, but my goals are large! I'm not a hater, but I must cater, to my mission, to be the wishin' administrator! SANDERSON I'm Sanderson! I'm anti-fun! And all those Fairies can bite my bun! With my boss H.P., we're gonna be the big time rulers H.P. You got that, G! ALL THREE We're Pixies! Yeah Pixies! SANDERSON AND H.P. And since the 1960s! We've raised that clown, to be our tool, to beat the Fairies so we can rule!

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H.P. AND SANDERSON We're Pixies! We're Pixies! H.P. I can't help but feel conflixies! It's going just as we predixies. SANDERSON You can't stop now, the time is near; When Fairyworld, and this one here, are ruled by us, H.P. AND SANDERSON by us you hear? By Pixies! We're Pixies! S trong like Bill Bixby! We're Pixies! Pixies!

END OF SONG. TIMMY Awesome! Kids rule and adults are powerless! YVETTE UBETCHA I'm Yvette Ubetcha with the news. This fall is all about chocolate, and homework has been officially declared super yucky. TIMMY Which means I guess it's time for me to go to work! (to Cosmo and Wanda) Where do I work? TIMMY The White House? Wait a minute, I'm the President of Kid World? COSMO Well, everywhere but Florida! They're still voting!

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WANDA Don't get too cocky, Timmy! Being the president is a big job! TIMMY Big job, schmig job. I'm the President! It's not like I have to answer to anybody! SFX: <>

KID REPORTERS Mr. President! Mr. President! KID REPORTER #3 (re: two girl reporters) Oooh! Ooh! Mr. President! Who do you like better? Her? Or her? KID REPORTER #4 Hey! Hey! I can't see! TIMMY (to Wanda) What do I do? What do I do?! WANDA Whatever you want! You're in charge! TIMMY I'm in charge... SONG #5 - "TIMMY'S SONG" TIMMY That kids had no power, I had to correct. We kids are the boss now, and you can expect, that things'll be different with me at the wheel! TIMMY I'm ten and in charge now! And here's what I feel... TIMMY I made a place that the kids now are running!

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The view from our treehouse is really quite stunning!

H.P. Our plan. Look. It's working. SANDERSON We're really quite cunning. H.P. To Jorgen Von Strangle we go. SANDERSON Nice hat!

TIMMY It's candy for breakfast, and ice cream for lunch, it's candy for dinner and I've got a hunch that it's dandy we run things, don't act like a mob! There's plenty to do and we've all got a job! TIMMY You get to be the police chief! TOOTIE Can I flash the big red light? TIMMY (to Chester) You go to the Learnatorium and break everything in sight! CHESTER At last!

TIMMY (to AJ) You get to lead all my armies! All over the map! You clean my room up and you wash my clothes

TIMMY (ON MONITOR) ...while I stay here and nap!

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H.P. AND SANDERSON We're Pixies! We're Pixies! Check out our mad wicked mixies! Have you checked out the planet? We know you didn't plan it, ...but the kids have the power and the Fairies... JORGEN DAGNABBIT! H.P. AND SANDERSON We're Pixies! We're Pixies! And we're about to affix these! Notes of eviction! JORGEN Earth is my jurisdiction!! H.P. AND SANDERSON The power balance needs a' fixin' like our magical prediction! H.P We're Pixies! We're Pixies! And if you open "Da Rules," see in Section F, Subsection O, amendment I... A loophole, Yo... SANDERSON (reading) "If Pixies, yes Pixies, are the last magic creatures on Earth, G... When the kids have too much power and the Fairies get retired then we Pixies can grant wishes and make the whole world what we desire!" (Note: We hear "We're Pixies! We're Pixies! Check out our mad wicked mixies!" beneath the last two verses of this song.)

TIMMY Everything's going tremendous.


I finally have the reigns. Trixie's bringing me pizza and Crocker is in chains...

CROCKER <>

TIMMY Mom and Dad have homework And Vicky baby sits I make the rules and I call the shots WANDA And you know I must admit... WANDA Wow, things are running quite smoothly! With kids there are no wars! COSMO Yeah but I don't think that it's groovy, that we're stuck with all the chores! TIMMY How can you be disapproving, this gets better by the hour! No worries, no strife, Baby this is the life!!!! SFX: <>

JORGEN You have too much power! END OF SONG. TIMMY (after a beat) Uh oh. END OF ACT TWO. ACT THREE COSMO (V.O.) Let us go! Timmy needs us!

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JORGEN No he does not! Nor does any other child! According to Da Rules, fairies can only be assigned to children in need! WANDA But there are extenuating circumstances! COSMO I know this is probably a bad time, but what does "extenuating" mean? JORGEN Oh, I'm sorry. Here is what it means! SFX: <>

COSMO I'd rather learn by phonics. JORGEN (calmly) I know you're upset, and also on fire, but let me explain something to you: SONG #6 - "The Jorgen Polka" (think: "Beer Barrel Polka") JORGEN With my muscles! I will tussles! With all those who dare discussels a clear and present threat-sles to my authority To my knuckles! You will buckles! Like a chicken you will cluck-sles! For I so do love Da Rules-les and I know "Da Rules" love me! You will learn to fear my mighty fist! If my song won't help you get the gist! And though you fools might disagree! But you will all answer to me! With this Polka! I won't Joke-a!


But first, this Frappe Mocha! (mm!) I was shocked when I awoke-a! To a world where kids all ruled! With my bi-ceps! I must try-cepts! To see that kids are now denied-ceps! The magic we supplied-cepts! For your jobs must be retooled! Oh I love to get to draw the line! And you morons make me all the time! For "Da Rules" are very clear! And now the time is here! For me to...

JORGEN ...pull back the Fairies! HP AND SANDERSON Pull 'em back, pull 'em back, pull 'em back. JORGEN Bring them all home one by one! Pull back the Fairies! HP AND SANDERSON Pull 'em back, pull 'em back, pull 'em back. JORGEN Now that my mocha is done! Pull back the Fairies! HP AND SANDERSON Pull 'em back, pull 'em back, pull 'em back . JORGEN Now that the kids have the reins! Now we're pulling, pulling pulling back the Fairies! So I can bring them pain! END OF SONG.

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WANDA Oh no! We're in a Fairy dungeon! And we're wandless! COSMO Well, nothing left to do now except some pull ups! COSMO (out of breath; to Wanda) Whew! Now what do you wanna do? TIMMY Okay... Cosmo and Wanda might be gone... But everything's great! After all! I'm the President! And I get all these free pens! TIMMY YOU!!!

FLAPPY BOB That's right, "President Turner!" Ah, circus peanuts! That's right, it's me! Did you really think you'd be able to get away with sending your kid armies to destroy Camp Learnatorium? TIMMY Yeah. That's why we tore it down. And here's a commemorative pen from the bill I signed endorsing the action. FLAPPY BOB Hey, thank - oh, darn it! That place was great! TIMMY Dude! That place was lame! FLAPPY BOB (gasp) It can't be lame! Everything I knew about fun went into that place! <>

FLAPPY BOB

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Oh confetti! Sorry about that!

264A TIMMY <> TIMMY No! No! That was fun! That was great! You should do more stuff like that! FLAPPY BOB But I wasn't taught that THIS was awesome! Or fun! I was taught that boring was fun! That dull was fun! TIMMY Who would tell you that dull and boring was fun? SFX:

H.P. Hello. Son.

FLAPPY BOB <>

TIMMY Son? What the heck is going on here? H.P. Montage please. H.P. (V.O.) Since the days we found him in the untamed wilds of Kansas, we have been secretly watching over Flappy Bob. H.P. (V.O.) Whether it was as a baby... H.P. (V.O.) Or as a young man. We always made sure we delivered our special brand of Pixie caregiving to see that Flappy was taken care of even if he didn't know how. SANDERSON (V.O.)

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We made sure he had everything he needed to live our... I mean, his dream.

FLAPPY BOB (reading) "Learnatorium..." H.P. A 37 year-long dream you destroyed, Turner! FLAPPY BOB Yeah, he did destroy my dream! Who are you guys, anyway? Long lost cousins? Distant uncles, what? And what's with the floating? H.P. We have that kind of money. SANDERSON Walking is for poor people. H.P. We like to think of ourselves as your godparents. TIMMY Godparents? Oh no! That means they can grant a wish! H.P. Godparents with the money to give you anything you want! H.P. If you just sign here. As part of the contract you get to make the world exactly as you want to. All we want in return are certain merchandising rights, a few royalties, and absolute control of Fairy world. 290A TIMMY <> TIMMY

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Oh my gosh! I know what they're up to! No! You have to listen to me! I know they're the guys who've given you everything you ever wanted and I'm just the guy who destroyed your lifelong dream, but you have to listen to me. (beat) Boy, that came out wrong.

TIMMY But I gave you the pen. FLAPPY BOB Forget it, kid. I know who my friends are, and I'm signing that contract! TIMMY Wait!!!

Song # 7 - "Where is the Fun?" TIMMY Hey Flappy Bob! Can't you see what they've done? They needed a pawn and clearly you were the one! They took away your clowny clothes! Your floppy shoes and big red nose! Just look around! How could you say this is fun? Since you were born, they decided your fate! From the style of your car, down to the foods that you ate! I know it seems they gave a lot, but I'm telling you it's part of a plot! A plot that you can stop, Stop it before it's too late!

PIXIES Hey Flappy Bob, you hear what he was spreading? The lies that he was telling? I know where this is heading. Toward turning you against us! To resent us

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and present us as the gents who are the villains, yeah, but don't you be forgetting! It was you, Flappy Bob! Yeah you were the one! We protected and respected As though you were a son! And now you're in the middle! You can fiddle with this riddle Or you can sign this deal and trust us that your wishes will be done!

TIMMY Where is the fun? FLAPPY Who should I turn to? PIXIES Where is the fun? FLAPPY How can I learn who? TIMMY Who is the one... FLAPPY The one I can trust to tell me what's fun. TIMMY Where is the fun? FLAPPY Why should I trust you? PIXIES He was the one. FLAPPY You were the one who

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wanted to shun, everything that I always thought fun! [Note: The Pixies rap under Timmy's singing.] TIMMY Hey, Flappy Bob, can't you see in your heart? There's a role that you play, and dude this just aint the part! I know my actions Weren't ideal but how'd your clowny parents feel 'bout the path that you chose, and whether or not it was smart? PIXIES Flappy! Flappy! Flappy! Don't listen! If you're going To trust someone then trust this one! Or this one! We're the ones that raised you! We're the ones who praised you! He thinks that he's your friend now? Come on doesn't that amaze you?

TIMMY Where is the fun? FLAPPY Why should I trust you? PIXIES

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He was the one.

FLAPPY You were the one who wanted to shun, everything that I always thought fun! TIMMY Where is the fun? FLAPPY I'm so conflicted... PIXIES But he was the one. FLAPPY The one who restricted PIXIES Your vision of fun! FLAPPY And with this pen, I'll sign this, by line item one! TIMMY (SPOKEN) NO!!! FLAPPY Maybe you're right! It could be a giant mistake! But changing my life's a risk I'm not ready to take! This nose, pants, hair and shoes! They're all my past, and now I choose! To wish for a world, a world that fits all my views! FLAPPY BOB (CONT'D) A world where I'm safe!

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PIXIES It's over, Turner. You lose. TIMMY Ahhh!

FLAPPY BOB Thanks for the pen. TIMMY Ahh! Oh no! DAD I'm happy peppy Dad! MOM I'm happy peppy Mom! JORGEN (V.O.) Don't make this any more painful than it has to be... WANDA Uh...isn't there supposed to be a good cop and a bad cop? JORGEN We had some cutbacks. Now...do you want to stay in Fairy jail for the rest of your Fairy life? Or do you want to blame Cosmo? WANDA No!

JORGEN Please!

WANDA No!

JORGEN OK, good cop over. Blame Cosmo! WANDA Blame Cosmo? SONG #8 - "FLOATING WITH YOU"

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WANDA I was lost, til he found me, and although, he confounds me. By his crown is where I know I should be. Yes I know he's a moron, with a brain made of boron! And yet I'm drawn to him magically! And through every moment of turmoil, and moment of pain. All of our misadventures, one thing remains. Facing Pixies, Bullies and Jarheads I'll never be blue. As long as I'm floating... With you.

COSMO I saw her and no other, I still lived with my mother when I spotted her swirly pink hair!

COSMO Though my shoes smell like tarpits and I don't wash my armpits I like monkeys too much, but I know she doesn't care! And I know that I'm forgetful! I know I'm dim! And even though I've just eaten, I know I'll swim!

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I know it doesn't matter If I can't count to two! As long as I'm floating... with you.

COSMO AND WANDA Even though we're in deep here, and they might make us sleep here, here with you, dear, is where we both make our stand. WANDA I am braced for attack and... COSMO ...knowing she has my back and COSMO AND WANDA All I need is her (his) hand in my hand! WANDA Baby I know I can be nagging! COSMO I know you're naggy too! WANDA I know that I'm demanding! COSMO Oh man is that true! COSMO AND WANDA But one thing I'm understanding no matter what we go through I'd rather go through it I know I'll get through it if I'm floating through it... with you. END OF SONG. COSMO You really are kind of naggy.

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WANDA Did you get the handcuff key? COSMO Yep! Operation "Distract Jorgen with a Stupid Gooey Love Song" works every time! JORGEN (crying) "I saw her and no other?" Oh, and that part with the fingerprints? Fingers aren't shaped like that - it was love! WANDA Come on! We've got to get down to Earth! SANDERSON Well, HP. Now that Flappy has given us total control over Fairy World, what do you want to do with it? H.P. I'm thinking dull and gray. SANDERSON I was thinking gray and dull. But that's why you're the boss. FAIRIES Ahhhhhh!

APRIL FOOL Did you hear the one about -COSMO AAAH! Pixie magic!! It's sucking away all the fun! WANDA Oh! We're never going to make it! COSMO There's still enough pretty color left for one of us to slide down the rainbow bridge!

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(re: previous sentence) Wow! There wasn't a manly word in that sentence! (to Wanda) You have to go and find Timmy!!

WANDA We need a magic wand! BINKY Oh no! Pixie magic! Ahhh! I still have my wand. Maybe I can stop this! (beat) Ahhh! No! Ahhh! COSMO Yeah, but you heard the song! I'm also the idiot! If anybody has a chance of saving the world and saving summer, it's you! BINKY Hey!

350A COSMO <> WANDA Oh, Cosmo!

COSMO GO!!! Ah! Wanda! WANDA (V.O.) Cosmo!

WANDA Weeeeeeeeeee!! Cosmo!! (re: sliding down the bridge, totally happy) WEEEE!! WANDA COSMO!!! I am not naggy! END OF ACT THREE.

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ACT FOUR BINKY This stinks! We can't float! WE can't do magic. And this suit! I can't wear gray, I'm a fairy! FEMALE FAIRY Binky! No!

BINKY LOOK AT ME! I'm colorful! COLORFUL! I'm... AUGGGGH!!!!! Song #9 - "Un-Fundamentals" COSMO This used to be a fun place! But now we wear a sad face! Since Pixies all have replaced! The way that things are done! JORGEN There's no more granting wishes! And you can't turn into fishes! Now pipe down and do the dishes! Come on now, everyone! ALL FAIRIES These are the... un-Fundamentals! For us

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Fairy Godparentals! Who are now devoid of whimsy and of mirth! We're certifiably demental 'cuz these unfundamentals make being a Fairy 'bout as fun as giving birth!

COSMO I'll bet it's even worse down there on Earth! WANDA Timmy? Timmy? Timmy? Timmy? Timmy? FLAPPY BOB (somewhat concerned) All the arcades now close at three the trampolines are bouncy free And there's a pad on every knee! Everything's fine far as I see... FLAPPY BOB But I can't help but think aloud the things that kid had said somehow my Mom and Dad would not be proud of the path I've taken in life. FLAPPY BOB Have I been wrong, have I been used? Should I embrace my nose and shoes? FLAPPY BOB Accept these gifts

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I once refused...

GARY AND BETTY Iiiiiiiiiiiiii'm Happy Peppy... FLAPPY BOB Not now.

TIMMY Our heads must be protected! And our bodies, disinfected! This is just as I suspected what would happen if the world was ruled with...

TIMMY Unfundamentals! Surely, all you parentals! Must see how devoid of fun this truly is! DAD But all these unfundamentals! Seem quite instrumental! To keep all of you rowdy kids in line! DAD If you need us we'll be playing the back nine! H.P.

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Well, Sanderson, we've done it. One of our 37-year plans has finally given us control over all the magic.

SANDERSON Yes, H.P. If this place were any less fun it would need a librarian. Ha ha ha. FLAPPY BOB Well, floppy shoes, big red nose...I guess this is goodbye. HP AND SANDERSON Ha ha ha ha! FLAPPY BOB Hey! My floating rich friends! H.P. Just think. All we had to do to beat our fairy enemies was rip a clown son away from his super hilarious destiny and convince him that fun wasn't fun and that boring was fun. SANDERSON You'd have to be a clown to fall for that. H.P. A really dumb clown. Ha ha ha ha ha. FLAPPY BOB That kid was right. They were using me. I'll show them who's a dumb clown! TIMMY Uch. I'm going to have to do this by myself. WANDA (O.S.) Timmy!!!

WANDA It's horrible! Pixies have taken control of Fairyworld! TIMMY

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Wanda! Wow! For a quarter second there I thought I was in big trouble!

WANDA They're not letting us do anything fun! TIMMY I know! Let's make it go away! I WISH THE WORLD WAS BACK TO NORMAL! WANDA Oh no! Because of that Pixie contract, there's nothing I can do to break the wish! FLAPPY BOB (V.O.) I don't know who said that... FLAPPY BOB ...but with the right amount of fun, anything's possible! TIMMY FLAPPY BOB!?!? FLAPPY BOB That's right. Flappy Bob. <> CLOWN. FLAPPY BOB I was a clown at birth. But those two rich guys... FLAPPY BOB ...raised me to be a boring businessman! And if there's one thing boring businessmen know... FLAPPY BOB ...it's how to find a loophole. TIMMY Oh. Oh, that's good. FLAPPY BOB You get those cone domes down here, and I'll do the rest!

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TIMMY And there's only one way to do that! (dramatic) Let's get fun. FLAPPY BOB I like fun! I'm all about the fun now! SONG #10 - EVERYTHING WRAPS UP - BASICALLY, A HUGE MEDLEY OF EVERY SONG WE'VE ALREADY SEEN. SAME TUNES, DIFFERENT LYRICS. TIMMY Hey Flappy Bob, can't you see what they've done? FLAPPY BOB It might reek now, but it can all be undone. TIMMY So grab your kites, and water guns! SANJAY My bike!

AJ My clones!

CHESTER This sticky bun! TIMMY It's not a crime to have your time in the sun! HAPPY PEPPY BETTY AND GARY Kids just being kids! Acting up and eating dirt! Kids just being kids! *GASP!* They could all get hurt! TIMMY


If kids just being kids, can keep those goons off all our butts, we'll get this town out of its rut by us kids just being kids!

H.P. Yo! We're Pixies! We're Pixies! We finally rule all the tricks, see? The time has come! The deal's gone through! SFX:

SANDERSON There's fun? Stay there! We'll come to you! H.P. We're Pixies! We're Pixies! This is how we get our kicksies! Our plan has worked! And they have lost! Let's ping on down and show who's the boss! The Pixies!! The Pixies! The Pixies! The Pixies! TIMMY You two shout real loudly! FLAPPY BOB It's your turn now to roar! SFX: <> SFX: <>

TIMMY You get to parade proudly With this drum and bugle corp! TIMMY You find the kids and rile them!

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I'll give them what they need!

FLAPPY BOB (spoken) How? TIMMY (spoken) Internet! FLAPPY BOB With this much fun, those coneheads should be here at breakneck speed! TIMMY Adults ruined everything, at least that's what I thought! FLAPPY BOB You kids ruined everything, that's the lie I bought! TIMMY AND FLAPPY But someone else was pulling strings, far as we could tell! FLAPPY BOB But you and me can set us free everything ends well! END OF SONG. SFX:

SANDERSON That's quite enough, Flappy. FLAPPY BOB You lied to me! You lied to me for 37 years! You tricked me and kept me from being the super hilarious, if not somewhat creepy, clown I was destined to be! H.P. Yes. Yes we did. Duh. SANDERSON But we have an ironclad contract!

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FLAPPY BOB Oh, I agree. Every word in this contract is totally binding. Which is why I'd like to turn your attention... FLAPPY BOB ...to this.

H.P. (reading) In return for making the world what you want... Yadda yadda yadda... We get the power yadda yadda yadda... Earth will be safe and fun... H.P. AND SANDERSON ...as defined by Flappy Bob. FLAPPY BOB And guess what I define as fun now? Everything being exactly the way it's supposed to be! SANDERSON Oh, Smoof.

TIMMY You know, you probably shouldn't have sent him to law school! H.P. You might have thwarted us this time, Turner. But mark my words: our next 37 year plan will not fail. When you're 47, you'll pay. COSMO My stupid pointy hat! It's a crown again! (beat) And still not a manly word to be found. Wow, that was extenuatingly manly! TIMMY Way to go, Flappy! You did it! You brought fun back to Dimmsdale! FLAPPY BOB

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Yeah. I just wish my clown mother and clown father were here to see this.

TIMMY I'm sure wherever they are, they're proud. CLOWN PARENTS (V.O.) WE'RE SO PROUD! FLAPPY BOB AND TIMMY HUH?!?!?

FLUNKY AND FLOOKY Flappy! We've been looking everywhere for you! FLUNKY Except, well, this spot right here! FLUNKY We looked everywhere there could be clowns! Fast food restaurants. That hotel in Las Vegas! (aside) We spent a lot of time in Vegas. FLOOKY Thirty six years! FLUNKY They comped our room! We even checked the U.S. Congress! It was full of clowns, but none of them were fun! FLAPPY BOB MOM! DAD! SFX: <>

FLAPPY BOB AND PARENTS Yay!

FLUNKY And we'll never lose you again! But if we do, let's all agree to meet in Vegas!

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TIMMY You found his parents for him? WANDA Hey, he said he wanted everything the way it should be! Well, Pixies aren't the only ones who can exploit a loophole, you know! WANDA COSMO!

COSMO Here's your wand back. Oh, you saved the day, and the fun! Which is weird, because normally you're the one killing it. WANDA Stop it, Cosmo! COSMO See?

TIMMY And best of all, with the Pixies defeated, and Flappy Bob on the path to fun, that means no more Camp Learnatorium! Right? GARY Hey there, special guests! Welcome to Gary and Betty's Learnatorium! BETTY You're going to have the most funducational, educarriffic summer of your lives! TIMMY Uh, guys? Fun time? COSMO AND WANDA Fun time!

COSMO Uh, this is fun. I'll handle it.

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FINALE SONG. GARY My ears!

BETTY My heart!

GARY Something's tearing our whole world apart! COSMO That wish

WANDA We'll grant.

COSMO AND WANDA There's nothing boring that we can't enchant. SANDERSON

My legs. We should have known.

H.P. They made us pedal all the way home. TIMMY Doing all the things we thought we couldn't do CHESTER Like streaking! TIMMY Summer's really fun and made for KIDS Kids just being kids! KIDS Kids just being kids. Running wild and running free. Kids just being kids. I think we all agree. Kids just being kids. Close our eyes and count to three...

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Schools Out the Musical

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