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Table of Contents
Preface.....................................................................4 Introduction............................................................ Chapter 1 - Choosing a Dating Site...................... Eharmony.com.......................................... Match.com................................................. POF.com..................................................... Okcupid.com.............................................. Tinder.......................................................... Chapter 2 - Creating the Perfect Profile………… Username.................................................... Profile Pictures........................................... Headline...................................................... Writing Your Profile.................................. Examples..................................................... Chapter 3 - Whom to Message................................ Her Pictures................................................. Dating Site Features................................... Chapter 4 - Online Conversation Basics................ Emotional Topics......................................... Questions to Avoid....................................... One-Dimensional Guidelines...................... Self-Deprecating Humor.............................. Sarcasm......................................................... Conversation Overview................................ Chapter 5 - Opening Message and Starting the Conversation............................................................ Keeping it Lighthearted................................ Composing Opening Messages..................... Dating “Tests”................................................ Open-Ended Questions.................................. Chapter 6 - Keeping it Flowing.................................
Phase Two Guidelines................................... Using Stories................................................. Topics to Discuss........................................... Saving a Dying Conversation...................... Chapter 7 - Getting the Phone Number.................. Chapter 8: The Texting Conversation..................... First Text....................................................... Texting Tips.................................................. Requesting the First Meet-up..................... Ultimatums for Attention-Seekers............. Chapter 9 - Preparing for the First Meet-Up........ First Date Considerations.......................... Appearance.................................................. Final Preparation........................................ Chapter 10 - The First Meet-UP............................. First Phone Call.......................................... Appearing Confident & Comfortable...... Conclusion................................................................ Appendix 1 - Consulting Services..........................
Preface
I began working at my current job in early 2007. My work has forced me to relocate to a new city every six months or so, where I usually don’t know a soul. Despite having a career I enjoyed, I was extremely frustrated when it came to women. I went the first two years without a single date. After the lonely nights and weekends became too much to handle I decided to give online dating a try.
The experience was heart-wrenching at first, receiving few replies and when I did manage to start a conversation, it would soon fizzle out. However, my city hopping lifestyle offered me a unique opportunity to test out new techniques and ideas with online dating. Over the years I have experimented, tested, tweaked, and then polished my techniques. I am now able to consistently see a gorgeous woman’s profile online and find myself sitting down for a date with her a few days later. I have created this guide so that you may learn from my mistakes and find the relationship you are seeking from this wonderful new world of online dating. Enjoy. -Carson Hurst
Introduction
My main issue with informational books such as this, is they are usually loaded with “fluff”, containing only a few small bits of useful information, tucked in amongst hundreds of pages and days of reading. I have purposefully condensed this guide to only useful information, practical tips, and examples that can be utilized immediately. Discussion of theory has been spared wherever possible. Although I do give suggestions on which dating websites to use, these principles can be used successfully on any site you choose. This is a reference tool, meant to garner results quickly, and to be consulted whenever need be. Every guy’s definition of success with online dating is different. You could be looking for a committed relationship or something more casual. It doesn’t matter. By utilizing the information contained in these pages, I truly believe that you can drastically increase your rate of replies. Much more importantly, you will learn how to effortlessly move your conversations from the electronic medium to the real-world. Online dating offers some great benefits if you know what you are doing. First and foremost, it’s a new way to meet woman you would never otherwise meet. After finishing school, many guys keep the same small social circle for years. The bar and club scene is the most common method used to meet women, but if you don’t like alcohol (or the hangovers and DUIs that frequently accompany them) you will never enjoy yourself. Trying to pick up quality women when you are having a miserable time is next to impossible. Online dating will also save you truckloads of money compared to how much you would be spending at the bars. Additionally, it’s probably the most convenient way to date. You can get started in 20 minutes, and if one woman doesn’t work out, move on to another with a couple clicks. Many of the concepts and guidelines outlined here are mirrored in traditional dating principles. You will learn how to modify these principles to the one-dimensional world that is online dating. Even if you haven’t had a lot of success with women in the past, learning to use these strategies online will subsequently improve your romantic interactions in the real-world. We will explore how to pick the best dating platform for free, how to format and write a broadly attractive profile, whom you should be messaging, the most effective opening messages for increasing your reply rate, how to have a great online conversation, tips for saving a dying conversation, how to have a successful first date, and much more. All examples of profile posts, online messages, and text messages included in this guide are real statements I have used in real conversations that led to real-world success.
Chapter 1 Choosing a Dating Site
The most widely used dating websites today are eHarmony.com, Match.com, Okcupid.com, and Plentyoffish.com (also known as POF.com). I have been an active member on all of these sites. The first concept you need to know is that (despite how unique they each claim to be in their marketing campaigns) in any given area, a good percentage of women that you will find on one of the subscription-based site, such as eHarmony.com or Match.com will also have a profile on one or two of the free dating sites. eHarmony is the most expensive of the major dating sites and conversely, the most difficult to meet women from. This is because the all-knowing eHarmony actually decides whom you may or may not contact. It’s best to stay away from eHarmony altogether. A Match account is money better spent, but it will still cost you a subscription fee. Match does seem to have a slightly older and more sophisticated crowd than the free sites. Conventional wisdom also suggests that requiring a subscription draws a more serious group of members. Interesting note: on Match, the price will drop considerably when you attempt to cancel your subscription. The good news is you don’t have to spend any money at all can still find what you are looking for in the online dating world! While I have had considerable success with Match, if you follow these steps, you can spark successful meet-ups for completely free. POF.com and Okcupid.com are the two big players in the free online dating market. I highly recommend going with Okcupid. In some circles, POF has acquired a reputation for attracting people looking only for one-night stands, while Okcupid is geared more towards relationship-seekers. This is really a moot point, because as mentioned, you are very likely to find profiles of identical women on several of these sites. Overall, POF also seems to attract the youngest members. Okcupid and POF both have the option of upgrading to a paid subscription status, but this is unnecessary. The additional benefits of a paid subscription on Okcupid include being able to see when a message you have sent is read, expanded inbox capacity, invisible browsing capability, and more. On the surface, these features sound nice, but as we proceed, it will become apparent why they are really an unnecessary expense. If you do choose to spend money on online dating, spend it on Match. Among mobile-based dating applications, Tinder is the best. However, all of these apps tend to attract a disproportionately high number of attention-seeking women with no real intention of meeting up with guys. This is probably because the websites take a little more time and energy to use. You are also likely to encounter these women on the actual websites, but to a much lesser extent (more about these attention-seekers and how to avoid them later). Although the dating services built solely around mobile platforms aren’t the best, Match, POF, and Okcupid all offer mobile versions that are definitely worth using. If you have time to kill in a waiting room or airport, chatting with cute women on your phone is surely a better use of your time than flinging birds around or protecting your imaginary castle. So, you have chosen your dating site. Now that you have an account, let’s make your profile. The whole process can be done in about 20 minutes.
Chapter 2 Creating the Perfect Profile
A profile doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming, but it’s necessary. The first mistake a lot of people make is choosing their username. Be careful, as once you pick one, it can’t be changed without deleting your entire profile and all conversations (applies to Okcupid) and starting over again. Some members also fail to realize their username is public. I commonly see a person’s full first and last name used. Obviously, this should be avoided. What you use as your username isn’t terribly important as long it’s not too harsh or offensive. I always use my college alma mater initials, followed by an underscore and a random number:
“MSU_22” Your initials followed by numbers also works fine. Don’t get too cute or funny with the username. Keep it short and simple. Just as you probably do with female profiles, the first thing women look at (often before they even read your message) are your pictures. Posting pictures is a must to realistically expect replies. In polls conducted by the major sites, the majority of
female members said they won’t bother to read a guy’s profile (and definitely won’t reply) if he doesn’t have any pictures. Never include pictures with other women. It doesn't matter if they are your friends or sisters. Perception is reality when trying to glean a person’s personality from a short summary and a few pictures. Women on a virtual dating site can quickly come under the misconception that you are a player. I learned this the hard way after having a beautiful woman respond simply:
“All your pics are with other girls…” At the time, I had uploaded the pics I thought I looked best in. These happened to include several female friends (funny how you seem to show your best smile when standing next to a gorgeous woman). I responded truthfully to her, explaining that all the women in my pics were merely friends, but it was too late. In her mind I was already a player. A woman who is clearly your mother or grandmother is the one exception. Cropping your female associates out of the photos is another option. Post pictures that show you in a group setting to project the image that you are sociable and outgoing. Also include at least one pic that shows you doing something active, such as skiing, wakeboarding, surfing, etc…to project that you are also an active guy…not someone who sits around all day surfing dating websites. Make sure to indicate which person you are, by the color of your clothes, in the descriptions listed with these photos. Until you do it, you don’t realize how difficult it can be to pick out a stranger from a group of other strange faces in consecutive photos. You will notice this effect mirrored in female profiles. I frequently have to scan back to a woman’s first picture several times and play Where’s Waldo to figure out who she is in a string of ensuing group photos. If a woman doesn’t have the patience to play this game (they have this luxury in online dating) you may be skipped over. Indicating who you are in each picture’s description is a quick and easy way to avoid this. An experience I have heard repeated over and over again was that women had arranged dates with guys, only to find the guy didn’t look anything like his online pictures or that the photos were 10-15 years old. Don’t make this mistake. If you are thinking you can get her interested once she has a great real-world conversation with you, even if you have to use some older pictures to get her there, you are wasting your time. First impressions definitely do matter to women, especially in an initial meet-up from an online dating site. You don’t want her sitting in front of you, pondering what else you lied or exaggerated about while she has a sham-conversation over coffee. If you don’t resemble Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio, don’t worry. Simply post a distant/fuzzy pic that shows you engaging in an attractive/intriguing activity (e.g. rock climbing, kayaking, mountain biking, kickboxing). Just be sure to include, “The photo I posted is purposely vague due to my work.” in your profile. Not wanting to show a clear photo of your face to the world via an online dating website is perfectly understandable. This statement has an added benefit of giving you a mysterious vibe. Saving clearer pictures for exchanging over later text messages can also be a good way to ramp up her anticipation. But, what if you don’t have any exciting or interesting hobbies? Easy fix….pick one and start doing it. You will attract more women in all aspects of life if you lead an active lifestyle that a woman would want to be part of. More importantly, your life is way too short to ever be bored in your free time. Wherever you live and no matter how little disposable money you may have, there is always fun to be had. Make sure you are always smiling and appear to be having a great time in your pictures. Again, projecting the image that you are a fun-loving and happy person is the goal here. Additional guidelines for profile pictures: Don’t have any photos in sunglasses. –They hide your expression. Don’t have any alcohol visible. –If you enjoy drinking, mention it in your profile, but showing it is trashy. Pictures with dogs go over well, but not as your main picture. –Your main picture should only be you. Crop others out if necessary. Make eye contact with the camera in your main picture. –It projects confidence. Less is more when deciding how many pictures to include. You will always be judged on your worst looking photo. Two or three is plenty. If you currently have more than three online, have a female friend(s) tell you her three favorite, and delete the rest. For the love of god, please don’t post a selfie, flexing in front of a mirror with your shirt off. Women find this hilarious. This embarrassing trend has reached almost epidemic levels. I have heard it mentioned through laughter from women from these sites, as well as female friends. I have even seen it written on several profiles as a disclaimer that they won’t reply to a guy who has a shirtless photo. If you actually have a good physique and want to show off, it will be clearly apparent in a normal photo of you in a slim or normal fitting shirt. No need for a mirror. Some sites require you to use a headline (a line of text appearing with your name and main picture). The key to writing a great headline is being unique. You have to come up with something that will help you stand out from the hordes. Terrible headlines:
“New in town” “Does anyone really read these things?”
“New to online dating” “Work hard, play harder” “Tired of the bar scene” “Trying something new” “Looking for Mrs. Right” A woman who spends any time browsing a dating site will quickly grow tired of these. Break her monotonous surfing with something distinctive. Great headlines:
“”Wow, that’s a manly dude” –Chuck Norris” “Wears socks that match!” “Only SINGLE ladies please! Separated doesn’t cut it” "Willing to lie about how we met" This last one has been used so often, it’s lost originality, but it’s still an excellent example. Your best option is to create something that applies specifically to you, but in a pinch, steal one of these. What exactly should be included in your profile? The perfect profile has two critical traits. You must be funny, and you must be picky. Applying these characteristics to your profile works to elevate your social status. Elevating your social status (at least in her mind) is a tried and true method for attracting women. Social status doesn’t necessarily mean wealth and power. We have all known guys who manage to effortlessly get incredible women while being far from rich. In this situation, social status is your aptitude for social situations, or “being cool”. Be funny. Just like in the real-world, women enjoy the company of funny guys. Humor can also be a great foundation for flirting. This concept will be repeated throughout the book. The first time I ever received an opening message from a woman, it was referring to a goofy statement I used to include in my profiles:
“I’ve never been into one-night stands, maybe because I’m afraid of STDs like I’m afraid of grizzly bears.” Be picky. Your profile should give the impression that you are very selective with the women that you ALLOW to date you. This is achieved by including qualifying statements. Sample qualifiers for the “You should message me if” section or anywhere else in your profile:
“You don’t have any serious emotional issues” “You are well-adjusted” “You don’t still live with your ex” “You can hold an intelligent conversation” Guidelines for writing your profile: Never write about an ex. –This should be obvious. Don’t write about religion. –There’s nothing wrong with having faith, but if you want more replies, don’t mention god in your profile. Don’t write “I hate writing about myself”. –Everyone writes this. Skip the recommendation some sites will give about describing your perfect date (unless you are comical about it). Leave the “income” detail blank. –This is much more likely to alienate quality women than attract them.
“Height” and “body type” should be filled out. –If left blank, many women will come to the reasonable conclusion that you are 5’2’’ and overweight. The “Favorite books, movies, shows, etc…” section doesn’t mean a whole lot. –Women won’t factor in whether you prefer jazz or techno when considering talking to you. Use “women” instead of “girls”. –This portrays respect for women.
Keep a positive tone. –This is too narrow of a first impression to allow much room for negativity (unless you are comical about it). I have included examples of well-written profiles to use as references. The first one is an Okcupid template with plenty of sample material for each section. The “What I’m doing with my life” section is redundant, coming directly after “My selfsummary” so you are fine filling out one and leaving the other blank. The next two examples are for any dating site. You are welcome to borrow parts from all three to assist in assembling your own:
1)
My self-summary
So here's the story from A to Z, if you want to get with me you better listen carefully... I’m originally from California but took off for college seven years ago. I just finished grad school and am back here now for work, looking forward to reconnecting with my favorite town in the world. When I'm not working I want to be outside, no matter the weather. When I was younger I'd go camping in the mountains every weekend, these days I try to go surfing whenever I can. And when the day's done, a six pack at the campfire or relaxing at the bar with friends is my slice of heaven.
I’m really good at Identifying questionable 90's songs, making Kraft blue box Mac & Cheese, wedding guesting, waiting the socially appropriate amount of time before replying to text messages, hatching a plan, haggling with ticket scalpers, jaywalking downtown, making awesome quesadillas, coming up with incredible dog names; Barkus Aurelius, Doogie Schnauzer MD, operating heavy equipment (how else would I spend quality time with mom)
The first things people usually notice about me I have a beard, it's nice in the winter, and I get to stroke it when I want to look like I'm thinking really, really hard. Oh, and all of my grandma's friends think I'm handsome, especially when I tuck my shirt in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food Books: David Sedaris, Catch Me If You Can, Freakonomics, and Outliers but above all else…the R.L. Stine Goosebumps series Movies: The Departed, Ghostbusters, Wedding Crashers, James Bond movies, Good Will Hunting, Shawshank Redemption, The Town, Up, and the first 10 minutes of Gladiator Shows: Always Sunny, House of Cards, Dexter, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Longmire, Justified, The West Wing, Seinfeld, and Mad Men Music: Johnny Cash, John Prine, Devil Makes Three, Todd Snider, Rolling Stones, and Bob Dylan Food: Wings, lobster, steak, lasagna, sushi, peanut butter, pumpkin pie, other pies
The six things I could never do without Liberty, hiking boots, music, reality checks, naps, skepticism, family, literature, sunshine, passport, rooftop patios, Diet Coke, thought-provoking conversations, summer nights, Sportscenter, a large fan blowing directly at me while I sleep
I spend a lot of time thinking about Why so many people have the word “inabox” in their username (see also: taco) How these caveman commercials are still on TV
On a typical Friday night I am Searching for my spirit animal in all the wrong places
Going out to dinner and relaxing (ideally) Checking out a new restaurant or bar for dinner and drinks Probably unwinding, but sometimes winding Or, if it’s been a long week, binge-watching Netflix
The most private thing I’m willing to admit I regret the things I've done for a Klondike Bar... I kissed a guy in Istanbul to get THREE free drinks. He was old. Sometimes I forget about Dre. I sometimes risk inglorious death by using my computer in the tub. This could easily be taken out of context in a coroner's report. Heath Ledger is still alive.
I’m looking for Girls who like guys Ages 20–40 Near me Who are single For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if You don't have any readily communicable diseases, like SARS or the avian bird flu. H1N1 is alright.
2) Austinite for the last decade, with stints in Athens, Chicago, and South Africa. Skeptic optimist, outgoing and curious. I look for ways to say yes. I have strong opinions but they're never inflexible. I'm missing that subtle bone. I'm jealous of cities where you can get to a hike easily. I walk and take the stairs. I like to wander. When I travel, I'll do a bit of the churchmuseum-ruins shuffle, but I really like to just walk around and see what happens. I was once likened to David Bowie by a (very drunk) friend because I have a "chitinous” outer shell of sarcasm but am full of warmth and caring. Who says "chitinous" while drunk anyway? A few more interests: making eye contact with passing dogs on the street, wrestling (college sport), misjudging whether someone’s going in for a handshake, fist-bump, or “man-hug”, worn boots, running, criminal law, castles, Wikipedia chains, urban decay, overusing ellipses, trunks, foreign policy, half-Windsor knots, people who spontaneously dance, picking up accents while traveling, and checking off a few childhood goals now and again... If you don’t enjoy seeing new places, we probably won’t have fun together.
3) My username means "lazy" in Finnish. It's what my pint-sized grandmother called me when I was a kid, usually while chasing after me with a broom. The broom part may still happen... Beyond that, I live to laugh and surround myself with people who feel the same. Family and friends are most important…and music. I love to be outdoors, stay active, exercise, play sports, and pretty much any kind of activity you can imagine. I love going to concerts regularly and sporting events as well. I enjoy good food, drinks, and beer…typical Seattle stuff - I love it here. In the normal world, I'd be somewhat insulted to being described as normal; but in the online world, I'd like to think that I'm refreshingly normal. 49ers fans need not reply.
Your profile has to provide a little information about you, but don’t make it too wordy. Most women have a limited amount of time and many profiles to scan before responding to their owners’ messages. It’s no surprise then that they are quickly dissuaded from wasting time reading lengthy profiles, especially when most look identical after going through a few. If you are unsure whether to include something or not, you probably shouldn’t. Check the word count before saving it. Your entire profile should be an absolute maximum of 325 words (Don’t include the website’s automatically generated template words in the count). To summarize, a good profile is short, while portraying humor, and selectiveness. Pictures are a necessity that should depict you as happy, active, and fun. Now that your summary and pictures are up, let the fun begin.
Chapter 3 Whom to Message
Your options in this arena will obviously vary according to population density. If you are in a fairly large city or are willing to travel quite a distance, you can always just check back to the site every day or so to see the new members, as they join. The golden rule when deciding whom to message is, the newer a woman is to the site, the better. The reason being-if an attractive, intelligent, fun woman joins a dating website, she won’t have an account on there for terribly long. With very few exceptions I have found this to be true. An attractive woman who has been an active member of a dating site for a long time usually has a very serious personality defect or is an attention-seeker. Simply set your search preferences to “newest members” when searching for women to message. An important factor to pay attention to is the “last active” date of the member you wish to contact. Profiles are frequently abandoned but not deleted. More than once, I have caught myself typing a message to a woman who hasn’t been active on the site in months. These phantom members will always manage to make it to the top of your matches list if you forget to use the “newest member” search preference. Some guys choose not to message women without a profile picture. I don’t share this point of view and have certainly found some attractive women this way. Many good-looking women just don’t feel comfortable putting their picture online for their friends, coworkers, and the whole world to see. A great illustration of this rule paying off that I have experienced a few times is upon messaging a woman without a picture, I received an immediate reply from her and then watched a gorgeous photo appear when my screen loaded again…She had been in the process of creating her profile when I messaged her. Trust me when I say that attractive women get mountains of messages on these sites and can realistically only reply to a small portion, so you want to be one of the first. There is another caveat regarding photos that women choose to use on their profiles. This may sound harsh, but this guide is meant for real success and this happens in real life. Everyone’s preferences are different, but I take care of my body and like women who do the same. Scanning back through a Facebook album of hundreds of pictures taken over several years, it’s not hard for a woman to find one close-up face picture that makes her appear to be considerably thinner than she actually is. After enduring two first coffee dates with deceitfully-heavy women, I no longer start conversations with women who have only face pictures. When you begin to browse through profiles, this phenomenon of conspicuously absent full-body pics will be obvious.
Your highest rate of replies will come from messaging woman who are currently online. This is another search preference available on most sites. You shouldn’t let this limit yourself to only messaging woman who are online while you are, though. If just starting out, it’s best to begin with these members, but with a proper profile and well written opener, you may get a response days or even a week later. The “visitors/who’s viewed me” tab is also worth keeping an eye on. If a woman takes the time to click on your profile, there is a good chance she will subsequently respond to a well-crafted opening message you send. In fact, since I have had my opener perfected, I can’t recall a single woman viewing my profile and then not replying. Don’t bother with the instant messenger feature on any site. If she has it enabled and is online, you are well advised to send her a normal message. Most women won’t respond because instant messengers take away some of the unique conveniences of online communication (along with enabling a constant bombardment). If you do get lucky and she responds, you will end up rapidly wasting topics of conversation that could have been spent building rapport with her over a longer time-span. Most of the major sites will assign a “compatibility” percentage to all other members of the site, using the results of questions you answer. This is another useless and antiquated function. I have never paid any attention to these percentages. I have never spoken to a friend, colleague, or woman from any site that has paid any attention to these percentages. It’s absurd to think a computer can tell the level of compatibility two people may have from a list of generic questions. On some of the sites you are required to answer a certain number of these questions. Filling out any more than the minimum is a waste of your timetime you could spend chatting with other members. Other stupid features to be avoided include “liking” her photos or profile, sending gifts (small graphics of flowers, a wine glass, etc…), the favorite button, and the meet me button. If your goal is to actually meet women from these sites, you will accomplish it by sending messages to them. These gimmicks are childish and this is not Facebook.
Chapter 4 Online Conversation Basics
It all boils down to one critical rule…You must be interesting or funny, while keeping your conversations focused on emotional topics. This may sound a little confusing at first, but it’s actually very easy. We will go through it slowly and look at examples. By emotional topics, I don’t mean thoughts that will make your eyes water. Think of an emotional topic as anything that is not fact-based. Facts are boring. New relationships should be fun and exciting. This concept (and the others outlined in this book) won’t apply to EVERY SINGLE message you send. This is how the general “feel” of your messages should be. Your individual messages will occasionally be boring, but your conversation should never be. Keeping a conversation fun and exciting for her isn’t difficult. For example, try to hold off asking her what she does for a living as long as you can. This is a fact-based and boring question. When she asks what you do for work, try to always answer with something funny:
“I’m a leading lobbyist for the Anti-Canadianism movement.” Sarcasm AKA being goofy AKA messing around like this are what great online conversations are made of. Obviously, you will end up telling her your real job eventually but keep this going for a while. Do a quick Google search if you ever need sarcastic/humorous material for whatever specific topic you are discussing with her. These messages are fun and will keep her attention. Flirting is just banter back-and-forth and sarcastic humor is the way to build it in your conversations. More examples of interview-style (read, fact-based) questions that should be avoided at all cost:
“Where are you from?” “What do you do for fun?” “Where do you live?” “What do you do in your free time?” “What are you going to school for?” I have known a lot of guys who make the mistake of trying to gather all this information up to start building a relationship.
Ironically, this usually causes the relationship to fizzle out. Keep her engaged with emotional topics and the factual topics will come on their own as you two spend time together. Women can sense when a guy is trying to force a relationship, and she will run for the hills. A good flirtatious conversation online is similar to a good flirtatious conversation in the real-world, with one major and a few minor adjustments necessary. The one glaring difference is that WHAT exactly you say during an online conversation carries much more weight than HOW you say it. In truth, there is no HOW you say it, with online messaging. It’s a strictly onedimensional form of communication. There can be no meaning gleaned from body language, eye contact, rate of speech, use of inflection, etc... In real-world conversations, these are all enormous parts of communication, especially the flirtatious and romantic kind. Luckily, this lack of context doesn’t have to be a hindrance. If you are aware of this important distinction and know how to properly adjust your messages to the online environment, you can stand out to her! Among friends and colleagues who have also entered the online dating scene, I have noticed that as a general rule, intelligent guys do much better. Guys who are “naturals” at picking up women in the real-world usually have great use of body language, eye contact, and the other nonverbal cues of communication without much or any conscious thought. However, with so much emphasis being placed on exactly WHAT you choose to say in online dating, the importance of being intelligent and a gifted conversationalist take precedence over being a natural with women (having at least some body-language awareness is necessary, for when you do eventually meet-up). Guidelines for one-dimensional communication: Never use emoticons or text faces such as ;). –Even if you are only 18, instead of portraying whatever the intended emotion is, it screams immaturity and femininity. Watch your spelling and slang. –It’s fine to call pictures “pics” because it’s so commonplace today. You don’t want your messages looking like texts from a teenage girl. U no wat I meen? Stay consistent. –This applies to everything you say to her including views, opinions, attitude, stories, etc… Use colorful and unique adjectives and adverbs to make your stories more engaging. Use of “haha” or “lol” is actually beneficial. –They act to soften statements that may have multiple meanings. Just don’t overdo it. Another upside to these one-dimensional conversations (texting included) is that you can always stop, and take your time to come up with the best response. So, when she sends you a one-sentence message, stop and ask how you can be funny or silly about the subject. Always joke around when given the opportunity. Self-deprecating humor isn’t usually the best idea for flirtatious conversations in the real-world but if used properly, it can work well online. You will find yourself talking a lot about, well, yourself so it’s a tool that can be implemented into a chat seamlessly. It’s best used in the early stages of a conversation to help make you less “scary” which also makes it particularly effective if she seems a bit shy. In any medium you should do it with sarcasm, showing you don’t take yourself too seriously. Real self-pity is never an attractive trait! Project the image that you are actually confident enough to take cracks at yourself because it’s clearly not true. Never use an area or topic where you do feel a legitimate insecurity. We just established how good self-deprecating humor works in general. A larger concept that encompasses this and a lot of other forms of humor you will use is sarcasm. For sarcasm to work in this one-dimensional world, your statements MUST be obvious. She doesn’t know you and with no inflection or other clues, it has to be apparent to anyone with half a brain that you are messing around. Here are some examples of the wrong way to use self-deprecating sarcasm in a message. She asks what you do for a living:
“I’ve been on unemployment for almost a year now. It’s been tough but I have tons of free time.” She asks what you do in your free time:
“I love to get drunk and hit the strip clubs or sometimes the casino if I’m feeling like a baller.” Here are some examples of the correct way to use self-deprecating sarcasm in a message. She asks what you do for a living:
“I drive an ice-cream truck in the summer but I’m on unemployment right now”. She asks what you do in your free time:
“I spend most days at the strip club, but not for the reason you’re probably thinking. They have a gaming license now and their slot machines are wayyy cheaper than the casino.”
She has a profile picture with a small kangaroo:
“That’s a cool dog in your pic, but weird looking ears on it. What breed is that?” The terms funny & humorous don’t mean telling jokes in this situation. You never want to tell her a joke (even if her profile requests one) as if you are giving a stand-up routine. The flow of a successful online conversation has two distinct parts. The first phase will consist of your opening message and usually two to three ensuing messages on the site (although this number varies). The tone of these early messages should always be casual and friendly. After the first few messages you will enter phase two. In phase two, your attitude needs to grow more confident, and you will continue this confident feel for the rest of the online exchanges and through your text conversation. Humor should be used from the very beginning to the end. How exactly does a successful online conversation work? After she responds to your opening message, you will trade messages on the site for a while before you ask for her phone number to switch the conversation over to texting. Never ask for her number right away. Even if she thinks you are cute, why would she give it to you? You are still a stranger on the internet. The women will vary in how many messages they prefer to exchange before giving you their number, but it usually runs around 10-15 (more on this in a bit). I have found that it’s much better to get her number and ask for the first meet-up via text than to try and plan something through messages on the website.
Chapter 5 Opening Message and Starting the Conversation
The reason it’s so important to be lighthearted in your first few messages is because she has no idea who is typing on the other PC. Women get some pretty crazy and weird messages on all these sites. Look over all early messages before you send them and ask yourself if there is any way she could possibly infer that the sender is unstable? If so, delete it and start over. Anything that could be misconstrued as crazy or weird will be a deal-breaker. Your opening message, in particular, needs to have a very casual and friendly feel to it, compared with your later messages. As mind boggling as it is, two of the most common opening messages women receive are “Hi” and “Hey, how’s it going?”(the entire body of the message). Don’t be this guy. After experimenting with literally hundreds of cookie-cutter and individually catered opening messages, I have found one message template that is head and shoulders above the rest in eliciting a positive response. Of course, there are plenty of others that will work. If you can come up with something funny and interesting that will stand out to a particular woman, by all means, use it. It’s always a good idea to reference something in your opener that proves you read her profile. If you can’t think of anything or if her profile doesn’t offer much to comment on, use this template. Subject line: "Hey, this is [insert name here],” Message body:
“My female friend who convinced me to join was just showing me some of the crazy/weird (but mostly just desperately flattering) messages she gets on here. Have you had any "interesting" ones yet?" Why is this, the single most effective opening message? Mentioning "my female friend" shows you have a social life that includes women. –Perception is reality in online dating. Asking about any other creepy messages that she's received immediately plants the idea in her mind that you are, indeed, not creepy. –This psychological reaction is also commonly used in traditional forms of picking up women. It’s unique. –Most attractive women on these sites are constantly inundated with waves of new messages (most of which are strikingly similar). It closes with an open-ended question. –It's the perfect way to spark a conversation. Normally, this will start an initial chat with her about how crazy the site is, experiences you have both had with online dating, etc…
Even getting an initial negative response doesn't have to be a bad thing. After using this opener once, I received: "Yeah, I got a really weird one yesterday at 6:30" (when I had sent her the message) This is a test. Women love to test guys who are going after them. This is a necessary process for a lot of women to weed out the best guys to invest their time with. This is especially true in this atmosphere where they have so many suitors, and can so easily drop one and pick up another. In a woman's mind, there are really only two possible answers to this test, Confident or Insecure. We will be covering more common dating tests throughout the book. Confident = Dateable Insecure = Not Dateable Many women won’t openly acknowledge this, and in fairness, it could easily be an unconscious evaluation of your response, reaching back through evolution to ancient biological mate-picking habits (I will refrain from any further theory on this topic). My response to her:
“Well, if that qualifies, apparently you don’t receive too many messages on here.” A little while later, I received:
“I’m sorry, I was in a really bad mood yesterday and being a bitch. How are you?” Although many times it won’t feel like it when you first read the message, whenever a woman tests something you have said it’s actually a positive indicator. She is trying to filter you into one of the two categories; dateable or not dateable. I included this example because my response in this situation was a rare exception to the rule of staying lighthearted in early messages. In this particular case, she jumped the conversation into the second phase with her attitude, so an applicable response was called for. I ended up having a great relationship with her. If you decide to compose your own opening message, what exactly should be included? Guidelines for constructing an opening message: Never compliment her. –This is not casual and friendly. It’s creepy. You are obviously attracted to her or you wouldn’t be talking to her on a dating website. Never use just “Hi”, “Hey”, or “Hello” in the subject line. –An overwhelmed and jaded woman will delete these on sight for efficiency. Fight the urge to comment on any of her photos in the first message. –Women receive this constantly. If you are going to reference something from her profile be different and use something she wrote. It needs to be a complete thought but also an absolute maximum of two paragraphs. After deciding to write this book, I began polling every woman I met up with (as well as several female friends) to find the most memorable openers they had received. I then experimented with the best ones myself. The following examples evoked the highest reply rates across several different websites. This first one can be used on any woman and with anything you want to say (you simply reverse the message so it can be read in a reflection): Subject line:
“Mirror, Mirror” Message body:
“,semitemos elyts teffub gnitad ekil sleef tI .semit ta lanosrepmi elttil a eb nac siht gnileef no uoy htiw m'I ?dnekeew yadiloh ruoy htiw gniticxe gnihtyna od uoy did ,oS ."gnitseretni" si ylniatrec ti tub”
If she has lived in a different country or has family or close friends that do:
“So, was it harder to start using all of the superfluous u’s in your writing when you moved to England, or to stop using them once you moved back to the US?” If she mentions modeling in her profile:
“Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal …till I skinned my knee in a terrible rollerblading accident. I never modeled again.
Let’s drink to our fashion careers” If she talks about her dog in her profile:
“Hey there, this message is for [name of her dog] so please pass it along…Hey buddy! Let your mom know she sounds pretty cool and down to earth. Has she taken you to the new dog park on Main St. yet?” Keep in mind that a lot of guys will be reading her profile and also sending an opener commenting on something contained in it. Try to avoid picking something as obvious as her job. Too many other guys will have already referenced this. An important concept you need to embrace is that dating and the new relationships that go along with it are supposed to be a fun and exciting break. Oh wow! You and her had the same major, or work in the same field? She doesn’t care! Plenty of other guys on the site will also work in the same field. More to the point, she likely spends every day surrounded by guys who not only work in the same field…They work in the same damn building. Be new, exciting, and different to her. If you did have the same major or are both graphic designers, that’s great, as long as you let this information come out in the natural progression of your conversation. If you still insist on commenting on her job early in the conversation, you will have to make it funny or very interesting. For whatever reason, you will seem to constantly be talking to either nurses or kindergarten teachers on dating sites. A job-related message for the teachers that always prompts a laugh:
“Teaching kindergarten always seemed like a cool career to me. Where else could you get paid to take naps and fingerpaint?” If you do open a conversation with this example, you had better switch over to some emotional topics quick if you want it to last. Another technique that may garner results is to use, “don’t read this” as your subject line in the opener (this can also be used as your profile’s headliner). I wouldn’t rate this as high as the previously mentioned examples, but it’s worth knowing. It’s a hell of a lot better than sending “hello”. Ending all your messages with at least one open-ended question is a great idea in the beginning of the conversation but after a few replies it stops being necessary and can actually start to come across as impersonal and boring. If every single one of your messages follows the same boring format of responding to her questions followed by an open-ended question for her, she will lose interest. If the conversation becomes “work” for her, she will move on to the next guy. Online dating, like normal dating, is a numbers game so send out as many opening messages as you can. Remember, when I first started, I sent out literally over 100 messages before I received my first reply, so don’t get down on yourself if you aren’t seeing a ton in the beginning. If it continues to go on for a while, you probably need to come back and make sure you are applying the rules and guidelines explained here.
Chapter 6 Keeping it Flowing
Now that she has replied with a few messages it’s time to enter phase two and increase your confidence. So, in the beginning you didn’t want to scare her away. The best way to look at the second phase may be to imagine that you are now very comfortable with this woman. You should never apologize or take back anything you have said to her in phase two. An apology will kill any banter you have going. If she acts really offended at something you said, simply change the topic. Once in a while, you may have stepped over the line and it will be over but it’s not always easy to tell. This is another area where women love to test guys for dateability, and apologizing or recanting will always do more damage than whatever your initial statement was. I know this may sound a bit severe, but think of it this way-Would a truly confident guy, who has tons of options with women, apologize for something he said to a woman he has never even met before? You will commonly encounter messages that don’t have any questions or contain any real substance. Responding with an interesting or cool story that ever-so-slightly relates to what she said is a great way to keep things rolling. Every guy who makes it to adulthood has been part of exciting, interesting, or funny incidents in his life. Think back. Even homebodies, who never get out, have at least had interesting things happen “to” them. If you absolutely have to, borrow stories from friends or relatives. Don’t worry if you have to stretch a ways from what she said. It will always beat replying with “That’s cool”. Make sure you continue to engage her. Here are a couple examples of making something out of nothing with stories. Her:
“I’m on nights this week so I just worked Saturday and Sunday.” Me:
“I did 3 rd shift as a security guard in a power-plant in college. It was crazy boring most of the time, but we had a lot of property and a huge spotlight on our truck so I’d spend my nights chasing wolfs around. The burly hard-ass plant workers were terrified of them. I’d escort them to their cars lol.” Her:
“I’ve never been up there.” Me:
“It’s a beautiful area. My buddy actually laid his bike down on the road leading out there last summer. It was early in the season though so we had full leathers on. He was a little scraped up but fine.” Using the first example, you might have been tempted to respond with; “what schedule do you normally work?” or “That’s lame. What do you do for work?”. You should be starting to see why both of these would have been terrible choices. You may be getting the impression that I am working a lot harder than she is in these chats. You would be right. That’s how it works sometimes. It’s the same way a natural who picks up women at a bar can walk up to a beautiful woman he has never met and do 90% of the talking for the first several minutes. The beautiful woman in the bar is using a test to vet possible suitors. She will stand there and not return much of anything in the way of conversation or even indication of interest. Most guys will leave after a minute or two of being ignored and return to their buddies with an excuse. The natural will work through the uneasiness the woman is purposefully causing him and then leave with her. Often times, there is a bit of bragging or show-boating in telling her an interesting story. You want this. The concept can also be illustrated by its traditional dating equivalent. Imagine that you meet a woman you like at a party. Your online profile is you making a first impression to her. Your online messages that you later exchange with her is your ensuing party conversation, later that night. Most women are attracted to guys who don’t feel the need to brag or boast up front, but do lead interesting lives. The interesting details about your life should come out with a little bit of time, either through messages, or the late-night party conversation. Remember how you were not supposed to mention her pictures in the opening message? Well, now that you have the conversation flowing, it's a great time to do just that. A woman will naturally post pictures of activities she is passionate about. If you need things to talk about, every picture she has on her profile is a different potential topic of conversation. A quick example you can use upon seeing that she has a picture in winter gear, smiling for the camera while holding a snowboard or skis:
“The snowboard pic makes me wish it was snowing out. You definitely look the part. Have you ever been down a hill? I could show you how to do it sometime. I’ve been told I’m a really patient teacher.” You just used humor to get on an emotional topic that interests her, while projecting confidence. Don’t be too harsh with the jokes, but being afraid to push the limits would be a bigger mistake in the second phase. (I almost didn’t include this example because it’s precariously close to just portraying yourself as an asshole, but it worked, and results are what matter.) Women like guys who have the balls to say what’s on their mind. Do you joke around with your buddies and give them shit? That’s exactly what you want to do with her. As the old cliché goes, don’t put her on a pedestal. That’s not where she wants to be. You will naturally portray confidence and use good humor without even thinking about it if you try to word all your messages as if you are talking to an old friend whom you feel comfortable around. The absolute worst thing you can do is be an “admirer”. You will come across as a creep. To illustrate, here is an example of a horribly wrong way you could have commented on her skiing photo:
“I love the skiing picture. Where was it taken?” Her self-summary usually includes a plethora of topics to discuss as well. If you find the conversation stalling out, a great trick to keep it flowing is a game I learned from a woman on Okcupid. She pulled it on me when our conversation began to die. It will work almost every time, as long as the woman has any legitimate urge to keep the conversation moving along. Send her:
“Tell me something random about you….the more random the better. I’ll start. I love skydiving but am terrified of bungee jumping for some reason. Your turn?” This trick is only for keeping a conversation alive that was already going well. Don’t pull it out until it’s needed. If used before the woman has any vested interest in you, I promise that it will fail. Why is this game best used for pulling you back from the brink? It’s because you are settling into a fact-based chat. Every chance you get, you must use her random fact to transition into a new emotion-based topic. Luckily this is not hard. Here are a few examples of other random facts that work great and how you can use her response to steer the conversation back to an emotional topic.
You:
“My first pet was a ferret. Your turn?” This always seems to elicit a quick response. What woman doesn’t like talking about pets? She will normally answer with something about the pets she currently has:
“I have a dog. Technically it’s our family’s dog, but I really want my own puppy.” You:
“Are you sure you’re ready for that responsibility? lol, I saw the craziest looking dog at the marina the other day…an Irish Wolfhound. I wouldn’t even know the breed, but I had to ask its owner…which earned me 45 minutes of listening to a crazy lady talk about her giant dog.” You:
“I have eight brothers and sisters. You?” Obviously, this won’t apply to you if you only have one or two siblings. Why would that engage her? Having a huge family is unique. She will then respond with something along the lines of:
“That must’ve been so fun growing up. I only have one sister.” You:
“It was a zoo most of the time. We never got along too well growing up. I actually used to get in fist fights with my brothers in our school hallways lol. Now that we’re all older and more mature, I’m really close with them though. I also have an army of nieces and nephews.” Another test you need to be aware of is when she brings up the topic of sex or mentions something sexual. To the naturals, the correct reaction comes, well, naturally. On the other hand, I have witnessed some very intelligent guys go down in flames. Most guys don’t have any problem discussing sex. It’s the context that takes them by surprise and causes an insecure reaction. This happens when the woman you have been exchanging online messages and/or texts with has seemed so wholesome and old-fashioned that you didn’t want to swear in your messages. Suddenly, this Sunday-school teacher you have been chatting with casually mentions how much she loves a certain sexual position. Don’t hesitate. Respond quickly, agreeing, and then adding whatever your own opinion is to the conversation. Sometimes this will come after the second or third date, but it’s good to keep in mind for whenever you encounter it. It’s usually a good practice to swear in your messages, right from the get go. This may sound harsh on the surface but do you curse in front of the people you are comfortable around? If so, she shouldn’t be treated any different. Obviously this should be kept to a conventional degree. Cursing every other word will make you come across as an uneducated hillbilly. If she doesn’t reply to a message, fight the urge to send her another one. This can be especially frustrating if you had good chemistry, with her responding quickly and now you can see she has been online for the last three days. There are a million reasons a woman may suddenly stop responding. The most common is that she’s trying to juggle too many conversations at once and you were simply forgotten. Several women have provided this candid explanation over the years. You won’t do any harm by asking for her number in a final message, but you should move on after that. There are plenty of fish in the online sea…
Chapter 7 Getting the Phone Number
When the time comes to bridge the gap from dating website to text messages, it takes one very simple message. Send her: "I feel like texting would be an easier way to chat. Could I get your number?" Every woman is different, so unfortunately there is no magic number of messages or specific amount of time to wait before you ask for her number. You simply wait until you have had a decent conversation where you have learned a little about each other. For guys who need a number here, waiting three or four days is usually about right. If you or her (or both) only log on and exchange one message per day though, it will be a little longer. If she responds with hesitation, saying that she’s not comfortable giving out her number, don’t panic. Keep the conversation going for a couple more days and then ask again. More often than not, if you don’t get the number on the first try, she will be happy to give it on the second request. If she denies
you on the second try, she is almost certainly one of the online attention-seekers, and it’s usually best to cut your losses and move on to the next one. In my early forays into online dating, I would spend weeks, sometimes even months exchanging messages with a single woman who came up with excuse after excuse whenever I suggested actually meeting in person. I would accept the excuses as reasonable and reassure myself that it was worth the wait. In retrospect, this was a tremendous waste of time and energy. I have personally known several of these women. They normally create accounts for the sole purpose of using the never-ending flow of flattering messages as an ego-booster. Why is transitioning from online messages to text messages such an important step in the process anyway? When she is reading and responding to your messages on the website there is a good probability she is also reading and responding to several other guys each time she logs in. A conversation via texts, where she sees your real first name every time is a much more personal form of communication. With the widespread use of mobile dating apps today, you may be asking yourself why a woman doesn’t answer your request for her number with the fact that for all intents and purposes you two are already texting. Not once have I ever heard this when asking for a number. You have to remember that women are on these sites because they want guys to ask for their numbers. Don’t waste your time giving your number to a woman in a message. These women get plenty from creeps and this goes against traditional dating etiquette. How often does she ask for his number in the real-world? You will have a much better success rate if you are the one initiating the phone conversation.
Chapter 8 The Texting Conversation
Great job so far! You are well on your way. You have the number now and although it definitely shows balls to actually call someone on the phone in this age of text-friends, texting is the way to go in this situation. I have tried calling several women before the first meet-up, and the few that did answer usually seemed to be caught off-guard and didn’t know what to say. You don’t have to send your initial text right away, but it’s important that you don’t wait too long. She may be juggling several guys from the site so you want to stay fresh and exciting in her mind. Never wait more than 24 hours after she gives you her number before sending her the first text. If you are not sure of her name this text should read: "Hey, this is [insert name here] from Okcupid. I don't think I caught your name?" If you do know her name: "Hey, this is [insert name here] from Okcupid. It was Sara right?" Follow it up with:
“Cool, you’re in my phone as Sara Okcupid…strange surname.” These first couple of texts will help your conversation transition smoothly to your phone. Now it’s just a matter of continuing your dialog with as much emotion-based conversation as you can. Just like when you began the online chat, try to use openended questions in the early text conversation to avoid having the conversation stall in this new medium. The most common way guys get this wrong is in sending the text:
“How are you?” Instead send:
“What are you up to?” This small distinction is very important in greasing the gears of the conversation to help it continue rolling smoothly. The stigma of meeting someone online is fading by the day but the topic still commonly comes up. Whether you encounter it online, texting, or in-person, a great way to address the topic is with a short, simple, and funny comment. Send her: "If anyone asks how we met, I saved you from a burning building." The earlier described random-fact game can also be extremely useful while texting. If you have a lot of experience texting women, a common trend you will have noticed is having her purposely wait unusually long to respond. This may be mentally difficult to begin implementing, but the trick works wonders if you reverse it on her. You
don’t have to wait until the next day, but try not always responding immediately to her texts. When you play this game you are projecting that you have plenty of other things going on in your life. Remember that despite what Hollywood may have you believe, the vast majority of women really don’t want to become the center of a man’s life. They want to join a man who already has interesting things happening in his life. After approximately two to four days of texting, (just as when you got her number, each woman/conversation is too unique to hand out an exact number here) you are going to send a text asking her to meet up for coffee: "Want to grab a cup of coffee this weekend?" It’s really that simple. Occasionally women will go against the grain by initiating the first request to hang out. These women simply appreciate the uselessness of wasting too much time getting to know someone over messages, only to realize you don’t click in the real-world. This is fine. Because she asks you out doesn’t mean you should start acting like a girl now though. Make sure not to break any plans to meet-up with her (plans you have already mentioned to her). This is yet another test. This is also a great rule to continue following throughout the first several dates, whenever she wants to hang out. Breaking your own plans before you two have an invested relationship projects the idea that you place a woman whom you barely know above whatever you already have going on in your life. Does this sound like the action of a confident guy? Again, most women are attracted to guys whom already have interesting things happening in their lives. Being told “no” when she is surely expecting a “yes” will also entice her. This is especially true with in-demand attractive women. She is accustomed to having admirers constantly cater to her. Here again, you may encounter the attention-seekers, yet these ones are fine giving out their number. Texting is definitely a more convenient way to receive attention and compliments from strange suitors on the go. Just as before, if the text exchanges go on for too long with her giving multiple excuses why she can’t meet, it’s best to end it and move on. A good rule of thumb is after asking two times and receiving two excuses, make the third request an ultimatum. A couple example ultimatum texts you can use:
“You seem cool and can definitely hold an intelligent conversation, but I’m not interested in being “text buddies”. If you want to hang out this weekend, let me know. Otherwise, it was good chatting and good luck.”
“You seem cool and down to earth, but I’m getting the vibe you don’t really have any intention of meeting up. That’s your prerogative, but I’m looking for a relationship with an actual person. I’m free to grab some coffee Friday or Saturday. If you don’t want to, it’s all good and good luck, but I’m too extroverted to have only a textual relationship.” Note the use of “want” instead of “can’t”. This is an ultimatum so you have to frame it as a decision she gets to make. If she is actually too busy to find 15 minutes to meet for coffee, she is too busy to have any type of relationship. I have never had a single woman meet up after three requests. A few have agreed to the ultimatum, once I began employing it. Something to keep in mind: One of the most common complaints women give about online dating is men not pulling the trigger to ask them out.
Chapter 9 Preparing for the first meet-up
There are a million options for a first date, but a coffee shop is definitely the best choice for online dating. A distant second would be going out for drinks, but mixing alcohol into a first date with a stranger has some obvious pitfalls. Never go out for dinner. I have wasted more money on first date dinners than I would care to admit. Worst, if you commit to dinner, you are stuck there with a person you have never met before, for what may seem like an eternity if they look nothing like their pictures or have an insufferable personality. Activities such as mini-golf and bowling are good options, but these are better left for later dates. Stick with the coffee shop for the first one. It’s not much of a commitment from you or her and will save you money. Picking the right coffee shop is an important factor. Stay away from Starbucks or other similar shops where you are likely to be sitting elbow to elbow with other customers. The best places will have plenty of space providing privacy to sit and chat at your own table without the worry of other customers judging you as they listen to your conversation. It may seem trivial, but you (not her) should be the one to choose the coffee shop. Women generally don’t like indecisive guys so it gives a bad impression before you even meet. It doesn’t matter if you are brand new to an area and have to pick the shop from a list on Google. This realization came after actually receiving texts from women saying that they prefer I make the decision…but the damage is already done at that point. Schedule the date for mid-day, if possible, as it will usually mean the least amount of patrons. Make sure to call ahead and confirm that the place will be open. Twice I have met a date at a coffee shop, only to find it closed for some random reason. The
first time I suggested we hit a hookah lounge down the road and it went really well. The second time we ended up sitting sideby-side at a window bar in a packed Starbucks...with no second date to follow. Your best option is a shop you are already familiar with. You will already know the slowest times of day, best places to sit, maybe already be friendly with the baristas, but above all, it's familiar to you. This is an inherently awkward situation and there is no better way to reduce the awkwardness factor than taking her to a place you are comfortable at. I shouldn’t need to say how important good personal hygiene is in any first encounter with a female. As far as what to wear, it’s a casual place for a date, but it’s also your one chance to make a good first impression. A button-up (I prefer the sleeves rolled up) or nice collared shirt paired with a nice pair of dark jeans works great. Make sure that your pants and shirt are both ironed. Nice shoes always help too. Thanks to the casual atmosphere you can get away with just about any style of shoes as long as they look clean and new. Always go with dark socks even if you opt to wear your favorite pair of tennis shoes. Fashion conscious women will notice the stark contrast of your denim jeans and bright white socks. The last critical piece of preparation is to read back through all the online messages and texts you and her have exchanged. I actually prefer to do this while sitting in my car, literally right before I meet her, so it's fresh in my mind. Use this material as a basis for the first real-world conversation you are about to have. Anything funny or interesting you two touched on is especially useful. Then, anytime the conversation seems to be dying simply reference one of the topics you had been joking about with her via messages. My appreciation for this step was gained the hard way. Soon after I began to find some success online I was attempting to juggle too many women at once and mentioned a topic from a chat with the wrong person. Don’t make this mistake.
Chapter 10 The First Meet-up
The time has arrived! Whether you arrived a little early and are sitting in the parking lot or are still on your way ALWAYS give her a call a few minutes before your scheduled meet time. Say: "hey it's [insert name], you here yet?" This first phone call breaks the stream of online messages and texts and always seems to lessen the initial awkwardness of meeting face to face. This is also a great time to mention what color shirt you are wearing, or where you are sitting, etc… to help identify each other. Anything you can do to reduce the awkwardness should be done. This is the most important concept of having a successful first encounter. You must appear to be comfortable and confident at all times. Even if you go into the date full of nervous energy you can still be successful if you fake it till you make it. Guidelines to help you achieve this: Pay for her coffee without making a big deal about it. –This is just good etiquette. Sit with an “open” body posture, keeping your arms wide and leaning slightly backward. –As a general rule, confident people tend to take up more space with their bodies than timid people. Keep consistent eye contact throughout the conversation. –Too much eye contact is always better than too little. Always be the one to end the date, saying you have to be somewhere. If the conversation is going particularly well, you may be hesitant to follow this last guideline of ending the date first, but that’s actually an even better reason to do it. You will leave her wanting more of you. Chai tea is a great drink option if you are worried about caffeine contributing to your nerves (it's also delicious). You may also want to order the largest cup of coffee, frappuccino, tea, etc.-because many guys tend to drink a little faster than usual when nervous. Another trick I have long since abandoned but helped a lot in the beginning was chewing gum. Along with giving you fresh breath, gum gives you a small outlet for nervous energy, helps to regulate your breathing if you tend to take shallow breathes when nervous, and helps you keep that tense look off your face that nerves can cause. Remember that any woman you meet up with will normally have ongoing virtual or real relationships with other guys from the site. I have had quite a few women mention this fact during our initial conversation. This is our last common dating test we will cover. If it happens make sure to brush it off as if it means nothing. Remember, confidence and appearing at ease are the keys
and of course, if you can add humor, all the better. Try retorting with:
“I know what you mean. My arms get sore pushing away all the chicks from that crazy site.“ Your first meet-up may very well be a nerve-wracking experience. Luckily, it can also be incredibly exciting! You will probably have some butterflies in your stomach but like most things in life, it gets easier and smoother with practice. An important notion to keep in mind is that she is probably just as or quite often, more nervous than you. When the nerves and awkwardness begin to wane after the first couple minutes, and you settle into a great conversation you will realize dealing with those butterflies was a small hurdle.
Conclusion
You should now have more than enough strategies to turn some text and a few pictures into real dates on a consistent basis. Experience is the key to mastering a skill so get online and start hitting send. Remember that this guide is meant as a reference tool. If you ever see your rate of replies dropping or find yourself struggling to compose a message simply come back. If a certain story gets you great feedback use it again with the next woman. If you find yourself using the same openers, witty comebacks, and stories on woman after woman, you have it down! You will find your greatest success (however you define it) by fine tuning material specific to you. Unfortunately this is the point at which I have to leave you. I do wish you my sincerest good luck in your new-found, realworld relationships!
Appendix 1 Consulting Services
I honestly don’t believe that building and sustaining a healthy real-world relationship can really be learned from text. I tried for a long time to come up with a list of solid resources to leave you with for help in continuing your newly formed relationship(s). I came to realize that personalized real-time consulting would be the only truly effective method that I felt comfortable putting my name behind. If you are interested in individual guidance and assistance putting the principles outlined in this guide to use with specific women and further guidance after the initial meet-up, I now offer one-on-one consulting services via email, phone, and Skype (whichever method you feel most comfortable with). If interested, email me at
[email protected]. I love to hear feedback from readers as well, so feel free to shoot me an email with comments, suggestions, success stories, etc...
