WHAT IS THE DEEPEST ACCEPTANCE OF LIFE? This essay is based on extracts from Jeff Foster¶s new book ³THE DEEPEST ACCEPTANCE: RADICAL AWAKENING IN ORDINARY LIFE LIFE³, ³, to be published in 2012 by Sounds True.
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³There is no greater mystery than this, that we keep seeking reality though in fact we are reality.´ ± Ramana Maharshi
YOU ARE NOT A µPERSON¶
When you bring your attention right back to the present moment, to present experience, to what¶s actually happening right now, what do you find? Do you find that anything is fixed, unchanging, solid unchanging, solid in in present experience? Or do you find that everything is constantly changing, moving, from moment to moment?
Thoughts appear and disappear, all by themselves. Images, memories, ideas all µpop¶ into awareness, linger for a while, and then disappear. Thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future. Thoughts about what you should be doing, about what you should have done, about things you need to do tomorrow. Thoughts about what should and shouldn¶t happen. All sorts of feelings come and go ± sadness, boredom, frustration, anger, fear. Sensations happen all over the body. Sounds appear out of nowhere ± traffic outside, a television buzzing, a door slamming, your own breathing, a bird chirping outside. Throughout the day, all sorts of thoughts appear, all sorts of sensations, feelings, sounds arise and fall in the vast ocean of consciousness that you are. Everything that appears in what you are, we could call a wave of exper of exper i ence. ence. And so, this thought is a wave. This sensation is a wave. This sound is a wave. This feeling is a wave. These thought waves, sound waves, feeling waves, sensation waves are all the ocean of consciousness waving, dancing. The ocean dances as all that¶s appearing right now. Can you recognise that present experience is al way way s simply a present-moment dance of waves, all happening in the vast ocean that you are? (And for ocean, you can read the word µconsciousness¶ or µawareness¶ or µBeing¶ or µspirit¶ or µsource¶ ± or whatever word feels right to you. It¶s all beyond words, anyway.) What you are, as the ocean, simply watches as all these little waves of experience arise and fall, are born and die. And because it sees all of these waves, it is somehow beyond all of these waves. Beyond them, and yet someh someho o w int imate imate with them. them. What you are sees everything, and yet it is somehow inseparable from everything it sees.
THE CALM IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM
From the perspective of the ocean, from the perspective of what you are, although the waves are all different in appearance, they are t he same in e ssence ssence.. They are all water. And so, using this metaphor, you could say that the ocean kno know s that all the waves are simply part of itself. Every thought, every feeling, every sensation that appears in you is simply the ocean dancing. The strong, violent waves as much as the soft, gentle waves ± they are all water. And so, on the deepest level, the ocean does not have a pr obl obl em with any of the waves, because it knows that none of the waves can threaten who it really is. There is therefore a deep okayne ss with all of the waves, a peace beyond understanding, which comes from recognising their basic inseparability from the ocean. None of the waves can harm the ocean. None of the waves can destroy it. None of the waves can detract from it, and of course, none of the waves can add to it. None of the waves are alien to it. And so whether the ocean appears as a thought wave, a pain wave, a fear wave, a sadness wave, or any other wave, the ocean knows that on the deepest level, all of these appearances are deeply okay. They all have their place in what you are.
THE TRUE MEANING OF µACCEPTANCE¶
Thoughts appear and disappear, all by themselves. Images, memories, ideas all µpop¶ into awareness, linger for a while, and then disappear. Thoughts of the past, thoughts of the future. Thoughts about what you should be doing, about what you should have done, about things you need to do tomorrow. Thoughts about what should and shouldn¶t happen. All sorts of feelings come and go ± sadness, boredom, frustration, anger, fear. Sensations happen all over the body. Sounds appear out of nowhere ± traffic outside, a television buzzing, a door slamming, your own breathing, a bird chirping outside. Throughout the day, all sorts of thoughts appear, all sorts of sensations, feelings, sounds arise and fall in the vast ocean of consciousness that you are. Everything that appears in what you are, we could call a wave of exper of exper i ence. ence. And so, this thought is a wave. This sensation is a wave. This sound is a wave. This feeling is a wave. These thought waves, sound waves, feeling waves, sensation waves are all the ocean of consciousness waving, dancing. The ocean dances as all that¶s appearing right now. Can you recognise that present experience is al way way s simply a present-moment dance of waves, all happening in the vast ocean that you are? (And for ocean, you can read the word µconsciousness¶ or µawareness¶ or µBeing¶ or µspirit¶ or µsource¶ ± or whatever word feels right to you. It¶s all beyond words, anyway.) What you are, as the ocean, simply watches as all these little waves of experience arise and fall, are born and die. And because it sees all of these waves, it is somehow beyond all of these waves. Beyond them, and yet someh someho o w int imate imate with them. them. What you are sees everything, and yet it is somehow inseparable from everything it sees.
THE CALM IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM
From the perspective of the ocean, from the perspective of what you are, although the waves are all different in appearance, they are t he same in e ssence ssence.. They are all water. And so, using this metaphor, you could say that the ocean kno know s that all the waves are simply part of itself. Every thought, every feeling, every sensation that appears in you is simply the ocean dancing. The strong, violent waves as much as the soft, gentle waves ± they are all water. And so, on the deepest level, the ocean does not have a pr obl obl em with any of the waves, because it knows that none of the waves can threaten who it really is. There is therefore a deep okayne ss with all of the waves, a peace beyond understanding, which comes from recognising their basic inseparability from the ocean. None of the waves can harm the ocean. None of the waves can destroy it. None of the waves can detract from it, and of course, none of the waves can add to it. None of the waves are alien to it. And so whether the ocean appears as a thought wave, a pain wave, a fear wave, a sadness wave, or any other wave, the ocean knows that on the deepest level, all of these appearances are deeply okay. They all have their place in what you are.
THE TRUE MEANING OF µACCEPTANCE¶
I want to talk about an acceptance that goes beyond all your ideas of acceptance. What you are, as the ocean, µaccepts¶ every wave, simply because it is every wave. It has no choice but to accept. The ocean does not accept some waves and reject others ± the ocean is the acceptance. This acceptance of the ocean for its waves is beyond the conceptual opposites of acceptance and non-acceptance ± the acceptance is the in separa separabili bility ty of the ocean and the waves, and as such it has no opposite. Every wave is al read read y accepted accepted by by the ocean. This is the deepest acceptance of life ± that you as an individual cannot do. It¶s not a question of you trying to do this deepest acceptance ± it¶s a question of recognising it, seeing it, noticing it in every single experie experience. nce. You don¶t have to µdo¶ this deepest acceptance; in a sense it has already alr eady been done, and what¶s left is t o simply and effortlessly not ice that in this moment, and in every moment, every wave of experience ± every thought, every sensation, every feeling ± is already allowed to be here. By the time a wave appears it has al read read y been accepted accepted by by what you are. The appearance of a wave is its acceptance. The floodgates are open ± this moment has already been allowed in. In a sense, what you are has already accepted the present moment, exactly as it is. What you are has already said µyes¶ to what is ± otherwise it would not be appearing like this. What you are cannot actually resist anything appearing now, for it is everything appearing now. Everything is simply irresistible to what you are. In my meetings, retreats and books, when I talk about acceptance, I¶m not using the word in the way we have been conditioned to use it. I¶m using the word in a new way, that points to this deepest acceptance of life, an acceptance, a n allowing, that has al read read y been done done.. And so, when I suggest that you µaccept¶ or µallow¶ what is ± it¶s a shorthand way of directing your attention to the fact that in this moment, these thoughts, sensations, feelings, sights, sounds and smells, are already allowed in, because they a lready appearing! To µaccept¶ thoughts and feelings is to simply, gently, effortlessly notice that in this moment, those thoughts and feelings are already accepted ± they have already been allowed in. They are already here. It¶s not a time-bound doing, but a present-moment seeing. You cannot accept ± for what you are is that acceptance.
This turns many spiritual teachings on their head. Now acceptance is not a place to reach in the future ± it¶s not something to look for, wait for, hope for, beg for. It¶s not an achievement or something that comes through years of effort. It¶s not a magical event that will happen one day. It¶s not even grace. It¶s something to rediscover, right in the midst midst of you your r pre pre sent sent exper ience, ence, here and now. µAcceptance¶ is not a future goal ± it is a present reality, always. If it is grace, then it is an ever-present grace, available to all, no matter what is happening. This totally revolutionises our understanding of acceptance and rejection. Acceptance is no longer about me ± a separate individual ± trying to accept, trying to be in a state of constant acceptance ± that could so easily just be another form of seeking. It¶s about recognising yourself as the open space of acceptance, the ocean which accepts all of its waves.
EVEN YOUR NON-ACCEPTANCE IS ACCEPTED
I remember, years ago when I was identified as being a spiritual seeker, hungry for the release and escape of enlightenment, I used to believe that doing µacceptance¶ 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year was the key to becoming enlightened. If I could just accept everything all the time, I would be free, or so I thought. It was a beautiful idea, but no matter how much I tried to accept everything, to be present with everything, to allow everything unconditionally, to be choicelessly aware of everything, there were still some things I just could not accept. Extreme physical pain, rape, torture, genocide ± how could I accept all of this? When extreme pain happened in my own experience, I would try desperately to accept it, but would exhaust myself along the way. I realise now of course, that there was an agenda (in other words, seeking) behind my attempt to accept. I secretly believed that if I accepted the pain, it would go away. It was my reject ion of pain disguised as acceptance! What an ingenious place for the seeker to hide ± right at the heart of a beautiful spiritual practice! Acceptance done with any kind of motive is not real acceptance ± it is rejection in disguise. What I didn¶t realise back then was the unconditional, all-encompassing nature of this deep acceptance. I was so busy tryin g to accept that I ended up missing this deep acceptance of life ± in which even my failure to accept was accepted! Yes, this is how radical this acceptance is ± even your non-acceptance of pain is accepted here. All waves are accepted by the ocean, and if what¶s happening right now is non-acceptance of pain, then that is accepted too. The pain is okay, and your dislike of pain, your wanting to be free from it, is okay. The seeker is accepted even in their failure. And of course, here is a total paradox. If my non-acceptance of pain is accepted by life, totally accepted, then it is no lon g er non-acceptance. The non-acceptance transmutes. Logicall y, philosophically, rationally, this makes no sense ± but it is so. I don¶t want you to believe me ± I want you to discover this for yourself. Everything that I share is about that discovery. This is about a deeper sense of okayness, even when on the surface things are not okay. It is about a deeper completeness, even when on the surface things don¶t seem complete. What I¶m talking about is the ultimate relaxation, the ultimate peace. It¶s not about you ± a separate person ± being relaxed or peaceful ± it¶s about a deeper sense of relaxation that comes with knowin g that every thought, every sensation, every feeling is already accepted in t he space that you are. Knowing that, in the moment, even your non-acceptance is accepted is something that can crack even the most hardened suffering at its core. You could say perhaps that all suffering is simply our blindness to this deepest acceptance.
SUFFERING: THE CONSTANT INVITATION
Your suffering or stress or psychological discomfort is no longer something µbad¶ or µevil to be transcended or destroyed ± it is a unique opportunity to see what you are still at war with. Suffering is always, always the invitation to deep acceptance.
Within suffering, you will always find this war ± you will always find a blindness to this deepest acceptance. And so the war is always an invitation back to this deepest acceptance. Suffering hurts, and the hurt points us home. There is a very beautiful word in the English language ± nostalgia ± and it means µthe pain of coming home¶. But it could also mean µthe discovery of home, even in the midst of pain¶. Because of course, home is always present, even in the midst of all those experiences you¶d rather escape, just as the ocean is always present, in and as every wave. We try to cultivate qualities in ourselves such as love, peace, acceptance and non-attachment. We exhaust ourselves tryin g to love, tryin g to accept, tryin g to relax, and even tryin g to stop seeking. But in discovering who we really are, we come to recognise that these qualities are not the result of the effort of a separate person, but naturally present in who we are before identification as that person. Who we are is nat urall y loving, accepting, deeply relaxed and always at peace, never attached to any form ± and has never been seeking anything. It is the ocean, always at rest even in the midst of the storm of life. Perhaps the end of the search is always infinitely closer than we think.
THE HEART OF ALL SPIRITUALITY
As all the authentic spiritual t eachers throughout the ages have been reminding us, in reality you are not a separate person, not an individual µself¶, but the open space in which all these little waves of experience ± thoughts, sensations, sounds, feelings ± come and go. You are, quite literally, what you seek ± you are the consciousness that holds the dance of form, you are the vast expanse of awareness in which the world appears and disappears. No matter what appears and disappears in your experience, you remain as the calm in the midst of the storm, the deep, vast ocean that cannot be destroyed by even the most violent wave. The waves may rise and crash ± but in the ocean¶s depths, there is silence. Silence, and knowing. This is where all religious and spiritual teachings point in the end: to the f act that there something here, call it what you will (for not being an µit¶, it is truly unnameable), right in the depths of present experience, that doesn¶t come and go, that cannot break or rot or shatter, even in the midst of extreme sadness or pain or fear. It is a place that is always deeply okay, even when things seem not okay. And being beyond the opposites, being beyond the dualistic world of thought, it is beyond the cycle of birth and death. It was never born and cannot die. It is the completeness the separate wave is seeking but can never find. It is Home. We are so busy trying to move away from discomfort and pain and reach µcompleteness¶ in the future, that we end up missing this present completeness. We are so busy trying to come home, that we miss the inescapable fact that we are already Home. We are so busy trying to hold up an image of ourselves, trying to prove who we are to ourselves and the world, that we miss that what we are is simply the wide open space in which all images come and go. We are so busy seeking that we end up missing this open space which holds everything, an open space which is it self the end of seeking. You are what you seek , as the great spiritual teachers have always been telling us. And you won¶t find it in the future ± it can only be found here now.
WHAT IS NON-DUALITY? An interview with Jeff Foster by Nic Higham of Nonduality Network
What does the word µnon-duality¶ point to? The world created by thought, the world of words, language, and concepts, is the world of o pposite s. µU p and down¶, µ this or that¶, µin sid e and out sid e¶, µ ri g ht and wr on g ¶, µbl ack and white¶, µ tr ue and f alse¶, µ posit ive and ne g at ive¶, µme and you¶ and so on. The world of words, language, thoughts, concepts, is a dualistic world of apparent opposites. But, in reality, do opposites exist? What we are really pointing to when we use the word µnon-duality¶ is something that goes beyond all of these mind-made opposites. But how can we talk about something that goes beyond opposites, when even our attempt to tal k about non-duality is dualistic? So, what the word non-duality actually means is really very difficult to describe or put into words. In fact, you could say it¶s impossible. For we are not talking about non-duality as opposed to something called duality, we are not talking about pr o-duality as opposed to ant iduality.In fact the non-duality we speak of is not the opposite of anything. This is impossible to understand logically or rationally. To see what is being spoken of, we must go beyond our ordinary way of thinking and seeing. µNon-duality¶ is actually a translation of the Sa nskrit word µAdvaita¶, which simply means µnot two¶ and points to the essential oneness (wholeness, completeness, unity) of life, a wholeness which exists here and now, prior to any apparent separation. It¶s a word that points to an intimacy, a love beyond words, right at the heart of present moment experience. It¶s a word that points us back Home. And despite the compelling appearance of separation and diversity there is only one universal essence, one reality. Oneness is all there is ± and we are included. What we are really trying to do when we say µnon-duality¶ is point to life as it is right now, before the appearance of concepts and labels; before thought creates a world of things: tabl e, chair, hand , foot, f ear, me, you , pa st, fut ure. What is life before thought? Can we even talk about that? Is it possible to capture non-duality into words? When we speak of non-duality it can sometimes seem like we mean µ ant i-duality¶, that we are against duality or that it¶s wrong or false or even dangerous. This can then lead to dogmatic thinking and religiosity and to the proclamation of rightness: ³You are dualist ic and I am non-dualist ic! I am more non-dual than you!´ That is the religion of non-duality. We are more interested in the tr uth of non-duality.
Is non-duality a religion or belief system?
Non-duality isn¶t a new belief system, a religion or a µhow to¶ guide to living. It makes no promises about the future. Of course, it canbecome a belief system or religion, however, like anything can. You could start to believe that there is ³no self , no µme¶, no t ime or s pace and that everythin g is an illusion´ ± and non-duality could become your new belief system. That¶s what happened years ago in my own experience; non-duality had become my new belief system, although at the time I actually believed I was free from all belief systems! When someone subscribes to non-duality as a system of belief, there¶s just someone there ± a separate person ± believing that they¶re no longer a separate person! And then perhaps they go round telling everyone that they are not a separate person. Secretly they experience themselves as a separate individual but they have taken on a set of concepts, they are living with a new image of themselves as beyond all images. You can believe you are not separate, but you can still feel separate, and experience yourself as separate. There¶s a world of difference between simply believin g that you are not separate, in other words, intellectually taking non-duality concepts on as a new belief system, and really seein g what those words are pointing to in a very deep way. Here, we are interested in the seein g of non-duality, not just talking and arguing about it. We can talk and argue about non-duality concepts until we are blue in the face, we can argue about who is right and who is wrong and who is more µnondualistic¶, but we would really be missing the point of all this.
Is it possible to reach a non-dual state or become spiritually awakened? Isn¶t it fascinating how automatically thought (or µthe mind¶) tries to turn what we are talking about into some kind of special state or experience. Thought hears about µnon-duality¶ and want s it. And it asks, µHow do I g et it? How do I reach it? How do I see it? W ho can take me there? W ho can tran smit it t o me? W ho can teach me it or give it t o me? W here will I find it?¶ It starts look in g for something called µnon-duality¶. It starts waiting for it. It lives in hope. That will inevitably happen because the individual is always a seeker. A separate person is always looking for something. We might seek wealth, success, power, fame, or we might seek for µspiritual¶ things instead ± but really it¶s all the same seeking. The spiritual seeker might seek awakening, enlightenment or a non-dual state instead of money and power and success ± but deep down, it¶s the same movement. Time is always involved in seeking. What we search for is always in the future. We say, µOne d ay I will find non-duality. I ¶l l g et int o the non-dual state or have an awakenin g exper ience or m y per son will d r o p away ma gicall y.¶ So, stop right there! You¶ve already turned non-duality into a future goal. Stop and look and see where this seeking begins.
So, this incessant seeking takes on different forms? Yes. Ask anybody on the street what they ar e looking for, and they¶ll probably say they¶re looking for peace, happiness, success, popularity, power, love, a cceptance, understanding, fame, glory. Someone who identifies themselves as a µspiritual person¶ might be looking for an altered state of consciousness, or some kind of transformation, or an enlightenment experience, or they may be seeking to no longer seek anything anymore! Everyone is looking for something. This seeking takes many forms but really it¶s all the same seeking. It seems as though everyone is looking for diff erent things, but actually what we are looking for, deep down, is the same. Basically, everyone is in pursuit of the same wholeness (or oneness, or completeness, or whatever you want to call it) ± a wholeness that is already here, but is ignored in our pursuit of a future completion. That¶s where it all begins: looking for something better in the future. Looking for the next moment that will be a better moment, a more full moment, a more complete moment. And of course, non-duality could just become something else you are looking for. We could turn non-duality into our new goal. But the word µNon-duality¶ actually points to what is already pre sent here and now, within this present experience, a s this experience. We¶re not talking about a new goal for the seeker. We¶re talking about life as it already is. non-duality is not in time.
If life µas it is¶ is already perfect why do we continue to seek? The real question is µW ho is seeking?¶. What is this seeker? Where is it? Can I find it now? And is this seeker who I really am? I seem to be a separate individual who is looking for something to complete myself, but is that really who I am? Does this seeking really define me? Am I really something that is incomplete, something that seeks completion in the future? You pass through all these different layers of questions and ultimately you get to the fundamental question: µW ho am I ?µ That¶s where everything leads to in the end.
So, who am I? If you ask most people that question, they¶d probably reply with a story about who they think they are. They¶d give you a description about what they¶ve done in the past and maybe what they dream of doing in the future. They might tell you a story about their role in life ± that they are a father or mother, or a business person or baker -where they work and live, and how many children they have. They¶ll quite literally tell you a st ory about the past and future. They¶ll basically tell you a story about who they were in the past and who they think they will be in the future ± not who theyare in this moment. But the question is, µWho are you now?¶ Normally that question is answered by describing the past or an imagined future. We are living with a thought-created story about ourselves. I am a sho p keeper, a doct or, a l awyer, an art ist, a s pir it ual per son. (Someone who calls themselves a µspiritual person¶ might even tell a story about how they are not a person, that they¶ve transcended time and
space and that they have no relationships because they have no self and there are no others. Despite the content of the µI am¶ story, it¶s still a story! Maybe, if you see yourself as µenlightened¶ you have convinced yourself that you are not telling a story, that you¶re beyond stories. But isn¶t that just another story? We all seem to live with an image of who we are.)
It¶s a case of mistaken identity? Exactly. Is the image of yourself who you reall y are? Does it define you? And here¶s the problem. When you live with an image of yourself, that image can always be improved; you can always have a better story. If you have the identity that you are successful business women and you¶re making a lot of money, maybe you hope that one day you¶ll make a fortune and be a famous millionaire. Or the story could be that you¶re a spiritual person and one day you¶ll become enlightened.
So, are you saying enlightenment is just another story? Well, it¶s always about µme¶ completing myself in time, isn¶t it. The enlightenment story is equal to the µone day I¶m going to win the lottery¶ story. Within the st ory you are al way s incom pl ete and al way s movin g t o war ds a fut ure com pl et ion. On some level we feel incomplete now ± there¶s a sense of lack, or of not being whole. Everyone lives with that, although not everyone admits it or realises it. This is how the search begins: the sense of being incomplete now, that something is missing now. Then there¶s the urge for a future fullness, a future completion. Something wants to complete itself in the future, but it begins with a present sense of incompleteness, a sense of lack. That goes right to the root of it all ± a sense of lack that everyone is trying to escape in various ways.
The sense of lack doesn¶t seem to go away, it might for a while but it soon comes back. Well yes, this is the problem. Even when you get what you want and you think you¶re satisfied, very quickly dissatisfaction starts up a gain: µI finall y got what I wanted but it did n¶t com pl ete me.¶ After twenty years of spiritual seeking you finally have the awakening experience you always wanted, but you still don¶t feel complete. You make a million dollars and then you realise you still feel a sense of lack. You finally find the man or woman of your dreams, and you still want more. This is the problem with trying to complete yourself in time, trying to complete yourself through getting stuff and having experiences. There¶s always more. There¶s always a future.
Why does the seeking, or the sense of lack eventually start up again?
Buddhists see that everything is i mpermanent. However amazing, blissful, or apparently fulfilling something is, it will pass. Whatever you have you can lose. If you finally got all the money you wanted, it wouldn¶t be enough because you can always have more money. You can be more successful, more famous, move loved, more spiritual, and so on. You attain the tenth level of consciousness (whatever that means) and then you want to be on level eleven. You want to get to the top! The self wants to be bigger, faster, stronger, more. Basically, we want to be special in some way ± the self wants to stand out against other selves, and complete itself. It wants to be something, not nothing. We want to be certain about who we are and have a fixed and complete story about ourselves. But the nature of stories is that they can never be complete. And so the seeking goes on and on ± always waiting for a permanent sense of total completion that never comes.
How exhausting! I don¶t think people realise how exhausted they are! We live on autopilot and we don¶t question our seeking until this way of living breaks down, and we call that suffering. When everything is going your way and you¶re getting everything you want ± if the seeking mechanism is working for you ± why would you question your reality? But what tends to happen is that it sooner or later life stops going your way! Then we find out that we are not in control of life and that we can¶t have what we want. This whole seeking mechanism starts to break down and we suffer. When you are suffering you might start to ask, µIs this who I really am? Do I really need all this stuff I believe I need?¶
So, we are all suffering in some way? Yes. Some people appear to suffer in extreme ways and others seem to suffer less, but everyone is suffering in their own way, even if they don¶t realise it. Like we¶ve said, ultimately life brings you to the question: µWho am I?¶ E veryone comes to that question in their own way. Eventually you might start to ask why you¶re suffering and question all these fundamental assumptions we¶ve been talking about. Often people come to the message of non-duality through suffering, pain or distress. In other words, when the seeking begins to fail on some level, something else can begin to open up.
What does the message of non-duality have to offer the suffering seeker? The wholeness or completeness that you are looking for is not be found in the future. The wholeness that everyone is looking for is actually already here within this present experience, within this present moment. The wholeness that you¶re looking for ± is what you are. It sounds like a total paradox when you try to understand it with thought and it really goes against everything that we are conditioned to believe. It¶s not about understanding this with the mind, with thought ± it¶s about really seeing this for yourself, in your own experience. In a way, this offers nothing to the seeker ± it is the experience of being a seeker in the first place, that¶s the illusion. And it¶s that illusion that this message exposes.
If we ultimately cannot understand this message intellectually is there anything that can be done? No one can give this to you or teach it to you. You need to see it for yourself within your own present experience because that¶s all there is. You won¶t see it in someone else¶s experience. It¶s not a second-hand thing. It¶s about this experience, right now. It¶s not something to find in the future. The wholeness you look for is already appearing as everything that¶s happening now: as these thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds, smells. Perhaps this is the wholeness we¶ve been seeking. And perhaps wholeness doesn¶t look, sound, smell, feel or taste anything like your idea of wholeness ± your concept of wholeness! Everyone is looking for their concept s of wholeness (or enlightenment, freedom, love) but true wholeness is not a concept. It¶s what is already here prior to concepts. So again, here¶s the paradox: perhaps there is only ever wholeness, and within that wholeness we go out into time and space and look for wholeness! Within Home, we¶re all looking for Home. Everyone is trying to come Home, but they are already Home. They are what they seek, and do not realise it. So, the message of non-duality points to this ever-present completeness ± in the midst of present experience.
We are like waves on the ocean, looking for the ocean, longing to be part of it? Yes. That¶s a great metaphor. You are like a wave in the ocean experiencing itself as separate from the ocean. The wave asks, µW hen and where will I find the ocean? W ho can give the ocean t o me?¶ But the wave was al way s the ocean, from the very beginning, even in its seeking! It¶s the ocean looking for itself. Even within the ocean¶s f ailure to find itself it is still the ocean; every wave is one hundred per cent water. As all the authentic spiritual teachers have been telling us for hundreds and thousands of years, you are what you seek. Although µnon-duality¶ is just a word, what it points to is the possibility that you are not who you think you are. It¶s the possibility that what you are is not this seeker, broken or incomplete. What you are is simply this open space of awareness (consciousness, awakeness, Being) in which absolutely everything seems to come and go, and that space is already at rest; it¶s already Home.
Is this open space that I am impersonal or personal? Well, it¶s neither and both ± unfortunately that question implies that it could be one thing or another thing. But space is not impersonal as opposed to personal. Thought creates opposites
but in reality there are no opposites. When thought appears in the space, immediately there appear s to be a world of opposites: up and down, light and dark, inside and outside, or impersonal and personal. All opposites depend on each other;all the pairs of opposites arise and fall together, and the open space holds all of this. The personal life story is just something that is appearing and disappearing in the open space t hat you are. µYou¶ appear and disappear in you! Does that mean that the space is impersonal? It¶s impersonal in the sense that it holds all personal stories as they appear and disappear. But at the same time it¶s not opposed to the personal, because that would be another story! The open space is not a rejection of anything. Like we said before, non-duality is not against duality; it¶s the open space in which every thought, feeling and sensation is allowed to appear and disappear. It is the ocean that does not reject any waves, because it is all the waves. So it¶s not really personal or impersonal ± it holds all these concepts as they come and go.
Anything can become a new form of seeking for the individual, a new identity. Yes exactly and if we¶re not careful the µimpersonal space¶ state can become food for a new form of seeking! µOne d ay I ¶ m goin g t o reach or become an im per sonal state of pure con sciousne ss.¶ It¶s another way of being special: µ E veryone else is st uck in the per sonal but I ¶ve tran scend ed it!¶ It¶s the same seeking, the same game; it¶s just taken on a more subtle form. This open space is not something that the individual, the character, the seeker can attain. It¶s the same seeking mechanism as: µI have gone beyond the self.¶ Only a self would proclaim that! It¶s like a wave claiming that it¶s beyond the ocean. The seeker is very sneaky! The seeker cannotreach this open space for the seeker appears in this open space.
Why do we need to tell any story about ourselves? Yes, and why can¶t we just be the space in which all stories are allowed to come and go? Why do we need to hold on to any one of these stories? At the same time, we do not need to reject any story. Again, if you¶re not careful, non-duality just become a new war -a war a g ain st images: µI ¶ m not that ima g e!¶ But the very moment you say you¶re not something you¶ve d e fined yourself! You¶re defining yourself again, and again, and again when you say µI ¶ m not that! I ¶ m not that!¶ You start to see the genius of this seeking mechanism. It¶s absolutely, infinitely ingenious!It wants to b e something, anything: µLet me tell a st ory about m y self , any st ory! I don¶t care what it is!¶ What is always open to be discovered is that what you are is not an image. It¶s not any image; not even the image that you¶re beyond images! Not even the image that µ I am not an ima g e¶ . You are not the things that come and go, but at the same time (and this is crucial) what you are is not separate from everything that comes and go. What you are, as the space in which everything comes and goes, is int imate with all of those things, in the same way that the ocean is inseparable from the waves. So, ultimately there a re no separate waves. The ocean is appearing as the waves. The ocean is the waves. Then you can¶t even distinguish between the ocean and the waves.
In present experience, the waves of the ocean appear as thoughts, sensations, images, feelings, sounds ± everything in present experience is simply a wave. What you are as the ocean is the waves as well! You are not the thoughts, sensations, images, but at the same time, what you are, as the open space in which all of these appear and disappear, is totally intimate with all of this.
So, awareness and the contents of awareness are the same thing? Yes, awareness and all that appears in awareness ar e absolutely intimate! The ocean cannot reject the waves, why would it? Awareness, wholeness, oneness, or we could call it consciousness, take s for m as everything that appears. Consciousness is not some blank empty slate behind everything. That¶s how the mind interprets it. The mind interprets these words asthin gs. Consciousness is not a thin g ± it is everything that appears. This is why you cannot talk about non-duality! You cannot talk about intimacy. Rooted in that knowing that this is impossible to put into words, we are still free to play with words. We know we cannot use words to capture non-duality; we¶re just using them as pointers. We are pointing to something that ultimately cannot be understood by the mind, it cannot be captured. Every wave that appears contains the ocean. That which we are pointing to is within every experience; whether you are in the office or sitting on the meditation cushion, walking in a supermarket or attending a non-duality lecture. Whether there is extreme pain, or intense sadness, that is still the ocean. It is the ocean appearing as pain, t he ocean appearing as sadness. Oneness is not limited to a particular experience. It expresses itself as all experience. So, the invitation is to come back to present experience, and rediscover the ocean, and that invitation is always there, in every experience, in this experience. This present experience is the ocean that you have always been seeking without realising it. What is actually happening right now? What is appearing in this present experience? I don¶t mean the story of what¶s happening to you, I don¶t mean what do you think is happening; I¶m saying look at what is actually happening now. Come back to the present thoughts, sensations and feelings and rediscover who you really are in the midst of these waves of experience. What you truly are must be there within every experience, otherwise it can¶t be who you really are. If it¶s something that comes and goes, it can¶t be who you really are. Who you really are, as the ocean, does not come and go.
Where does suffering come into this? If who we really are is complete why do we suffer? Suffering is for g ett in g who you really are. We suffer when we don¶t see this completeness ± this intimacy ± within the present experience. When we don¶t see that every wave that¶s presently appearing is part of the ocean and therefore allowed in the ocean, we start trying to escape this moment to attempt to reach
the next moment. We experience ourselves as not whole or somehow broken so we attempt to move away from this moment. In truth, that movement is not actually possible but we try anyway because that¶s how we are programmed. We try to move away from this moment to get to the next moment, to tomorrow or next year or to ten years time. We start to use time to achieve this. This is the origin of suffering. We try to escape what¶s happening now. We try to run away from aspects of our present experience. We try to escape these thoughts, sensations and feelings and get to a future place where things will be better. That¶s the movement of suffering. Within suffering you¶ll always find seeking. Seeking is the basic mechanism behind all of our suffering. We label certain elements of experience µbad¶ or µnegative¶ or µdark¶ or µdangerous¶ or µunhealthy¶ and that¶s because of our conditioning. We have been conditioned to label things as µfear¶, µsadness¶, µanger¶, and do on, and to judge these as negative, or not-okay, or bad, or sinful ± basically as expressions of incompleteness, as threats to completeness. Because we don¶t seethe completeness in these waves, because we can¶t find the ocean within these so-called µnegative¶ waves, we try to escape them and that movement µaway from¶ creates the suffering. Then we create stories and identities around this suffering: µOh, I ¶ m a vict im of m y suff er in g. I ¶ m a vict im of f ear and pain! W hy is this happenin g t o me? How can I e scape this exper i ence?µ Suffering is a great teacher. Maybe it¶s the best teacher but we often don¶t see that, because we don¶t realise what suffering really is. Normally, we do all sorts of things to avoid, deny and numb our suffering. We take medication, drink alcohol or try to distract ourselves. Of course, there¶s ultimately nothing with doing these things either! But suffering is always an opportunity; it¶s an invitation to discover the completeness in what you are running away from. Which aspects of your experience right now are not okay? Which waves (thoughts, sensations, and feelings) of the ocean are being rejected right now? Which waves are not being seen as part of the ocean? Basically, what are you at war with? This is always the question that suffering leads you to. Within the experience of suffering you¶ll always find seeking. You can believe as much as you like that you¶re not seeking, or that you are free from the self, but whenever there¶s suffering there¶s seeking. It¶s the story of µme¶ looking for something, escaping something; it¶s the story of incompleteness or of feeling that there¶s something wrong with you. So, the invitation ± not a demand ± is to take a look at what you are at war with right now. What¶s the story? What are the images you are trying to hold up? What are you defending? What are you rejecting? What are you running away from? Look a little deeper. Perhaps these images of yourself are not who you really are. Maybe these stories don¶t define you. We suffer when we try to hold up images of ourselves ± µI¶m strong, I¶m enlightened, I¶m a success, I¶m loving, I¶m kind, I¶m happy¶ ± which conflict with life as it is. And in the end, all images conflict with life as it is ± no image can match this moment. This moment is the fire that burns up all images. In this moment there could be pain, sadness, fear ±any image that says that what¶s appearing shouldn¶t be appearing, that you should be happy, or free from pain, is a false image.
Is this about cultivating more presence?
What I¶d say is forget about tryin g to become more present; that can just be another form of seeking. It¶s a beautiful idea, but it¶s still the same seeking mechanism. µOne d ay I ¶l l be pre sent!¶ Ultimately, you cannot become more present; for you are presence itself. Like the word µnon-duality¶, presence is just another pointer to life as it is. It¶s another pointer back to who you really are. There is al read y presence and there is onl y presence. Everything is already appearing in presence. There is only this moment. The past and the future happen now; they appear in this presence, a sthis presence. There are memories about the past and thoughts about the future appearing in this presence. It all happens now. Every sound is a present sound; you¶ve never heard a sound that wasn¶t now. You¶ve never heard a sound in the past and you don¶t hear a sound in the future! You¶ve never smelled anything that wasn¶t smelled now. Ultimately, you¶ve never seen anything that isn¶t seen now. It¶s all present! So, it¶s not really about a separate entity becoming more present; it¶s about rediscovering presence here and now. Presence could just be another word for consciousness, awareness or Being; pick your favourite word! What you are is presence itself, so you cannot become µmore¶ present, just as the wave cannot become more or less µocean¶ than it already is. And that¶s always there to be discovered. Life is the constant invitation to discover this in the midst of present experience. Life is the constant invitation to discover who you really are in this moment. W ho discovers this? Well, who asks that question! Therapy Without a Therapist: Nonduality, Healing and the Search for Wholeness. by Jeff Foster Article originally appeared in the first edition of Undivided: The Online Journal of Nonduality and Psychology.
³Physician, heal thyself!´
- Luke 4:23
If, as traditional and contemporary nondual teachings suggest, the separate self is merely an µillusion¶ of thought and perception, and we are in essence the wide open space in which life unfolds, a space which i s inseparable from that very unfolding, then what place does µtherapy¶ have in our li ves? Can an illusory self really h eal another illusory self? Can an open space be healed by µanother¶ open space? Who, exactly, is going to do this healing? And who, exactly, is going to be healed? While
I was training as a therapist, I learned about all kinds of theories and techniques ± absorbed so many how to¶s ± how to listen, how to be congruent, how to interpret the client¶s words and body language, how to self-disclose appropriately. There is so much research out there, so many ways of defining therapy, so many people with so many
ideas about how to help people, and this i s all wonderful ± life seems to delight in this variety of perspectives. But I was shocked that despite all of the training I received, despite all of the knowledge and skills that I was required to take on, the question µ What is true healing?¶ was never really looked into in great depth. As trainee therapists, we were learning how to heal, how to interact with clients, but never did we really stop to contemplate the true meaning of healing. We were learning how to be therapists, how to inhabit our roles, how to µdo¶ therapy, but never did we stop to ask the most fundamental question ± is healing even possible? Once, in class, I raised my hand and asked, µIsn¶t there a kind of arrogance in assuming that we know how to help another human being? Doesn¶t it assume some kind of separation?¶, and I was told µthat¶s a philosophical question, and this is a therapy programme¶. Know your place, trainee therapist. As therapists, as healers, we are the ones who are supposed to know how to help people, how to improve their mental health, their well-being, their quality of life. But wh at does it really mean to help someone? Are we trying to help the clients have better experiences? Do we want them to be happier? To be more like µus¶? Are we trying to take away their pain? Or maybe we are simply trying to take away our own pain? Maybe in trying to heal others we are really trying to h eal ourselves? More crucially, is therapy in th e true sense of the word even possible? I would imagine that these are the questions every honest therapist encounters in the end. And there are no easy answers. The word ³therapy´ has its roots in the word ³therapeia´, whi ch is the Greek word for µhealing¶ ± and µhealing¶ simply means µmaking whole¶. T herapy = healing = moving towards wholeness. But what is this µwholeness¶ that therapy claims to be able to l ead us towards? Where is i t? Is it really something to be found in the future? Can one person really lead another person towards it? Or is wholeness actually present, here and now, in the midst of every present moment experience, as the nondual teachings suggest? Again, I would say that all honest therapists must face these questions in the end ± questions that actually threaten to undermine their very identity as therapists. I would like to propose that true therapy, therapy in the true sense of the word, has nothing to do with fixing a separate self. Any therapy that tries to fix a separate self will simply perpetuate the illusion at the root of all our suffering. True therapy has nothing to do with µhelping¶ a person in the way we tend to use the word. It has nothing to do with fixing a broken µme¶ and turning i t into a happier, more productive, more µnormal¶, more adapted µme¶. It has nothing to do with reaching wholeness in the fu ture, with making wholeness into a future goal. True therapy is more of a rediscovery : that this broken, incomplete, separate µme¶ is not who you really are, and that in fact you are not a µ self¶ at all, but the wide open space of awareness in which all thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds, smells, arise and pass. You are not a separate person looking out at the world, but the wide open space in which the world appears and disappears, an open space which is ultimately inseparable from that very world. True therapy, therefore, is not about working towards a future wholeness ± it is the rediscovery of that very wholeness in the midst of every present moment experience. It i s about life as it already is, not life as it could be or should be. It is about this moment. It is about the place where we really meet ± here and now, a place where therapist and client are radically equal, a place that we could call µlove¶. The metaphor of the wave and the ocean is very useful here. The experience of being a separate individual, a person in the world, is the experience of being a seeker ± a separate wave in the ocean. Every indi vidual i s a seeker ± the therapist and the cli ent alike. And this wave, experiencing itself as separate from the ocean, seeks the ocean. The core experience of being a seeker is the experience of lack, of incompleteness, of homesickness, of feeling as though you are always looking for something you cannot find, something you cannot name. The wave spends its life, i n a million different ways,
seeking this unnameable wholeness. ³I am incomplete, but one day I will be complete,´ it says to itself. ³One day I will find what I¶m looking for ± love, success, greatness, enlightenment, healing ± and then I¶ll be complete.´ In reality, of course, there is no separation from the ocean in the first place. The wave i s already the ocean, the ocean appearing as a wave, and so wholeness is already present. The completeness we seek is actually already here, in this present moment experience, and it¶s because we don¶t see this completeness that we seek it in the future. All suffering begins here, in the rejection, on some level, of this present moment. The entire search rests on an astounding illusion of time. This realisation totally transforms our relationship with the one we call µclient¶. Seen from this perspective, no client is n ever really broken, damaged, or lost ± they are always already whole, even in their experience of being broken, incomplete, separate, even in their pain, their fear, their distress, their devastation. The goal of true therapy, then, is not to fix the client, not to move them from µnegative¶ to µpositive¶ experiences, not to turn their pain into pl easure, their depression into joy, not to lead them towards what they think they are looking for, not to µdo therapy¶ on them, but to expose, without compromise, the root assumptions underlying their experience of separation, their experience of brokenness, their incompleteness, their seeking. True therapy does not add to the illusion of separation ± i t shatters it, it wakes you up. It does not remove pain, it points to the wholeness in pain. It does not get rid of fear, it illuminates the wholeness in the fear. In this sense, the point of therapy is the point of all authentic spirituality : to wake you up from the dream of separation, the dream that you are a separate person on a journey towards a future completeness. True therapy wakes the client from their dream of µclient¶, and wakes the therapist from their dream of µtherapist¶. And make no mistake, the therapist needs waking up as much as the client. When it comes to waking up, no qualification, certificate, degree, or any number of letters after your name, can h elp you. Wholeness,
seen in this way, is not something that µhappens¶ one day, i t is not something that we µwork towards¶, alone or together; it is not a di stant goal, it is that which is already present . Life itself ± what you really are, beyond your image of yourself ± is already whole, already healed in the true sense of the word. And so in true therapy, we do not aim to heal a separate person, because there is no such thing ± we simply get back in touch with that which is already healed. Therapy is a beautiful paradox when seen from this perspective. So, what does this mean in practice? It means that the client¶s position of ³I¶m broken, please fix me,´ becomes ³I am open to the discovery of wholeness within my present experience of brokenness.´ And the therapist¶s position of ³you¶re broken, I¶m going to fix you´ becomes ³I see that there¶s nobody there who is fundamentally broken, but I also acknowledge your present experience of brokenness. I acknowledge your pain, your fear, your sadness, your struggle, your suffering, but I do no t for one moment assume that there is anyone there separate from me who needs to be fixed in any way. I honour your dream, and I see it as a dream. Of course, I am open to exploring your experience with you, and I¶m open to rediscovering that which is already whole, within that experience. I see clearly that wholeness is already there in all the aspects of your experience that you are currently at war with, in everything you are running away from, in every thought, sensation, feeling that seems unacceptable to you right now. So let¶s shine light on the various forms of seeking in your experience, let¶s expose the subtle and not-so-subtle ways in which you are at war with this moment, and in that light, in that exposure, let¶s discover together the ever-present healing that you are, that I am. I¶m not here to cure you. In that sense I¶m not really a µtherapist¶ at all, that¶s just a role being played in this moment. I hold that role very, very lightly. Really I¶m si mply here to go on an adventure with you. An adventure with myself, because it¶s all the same mind,
it¶s all the same seeker, in the end. We are explorers of experience, already healed, shining light on that which is looking for healing, coming to see that this search is not necessary. We do not deny the search, but we do not fuel it either. We do not deny the dream, but we are not here to indulge it either. We simply come together like this to see through illusion.´ The therapist recognizes that, ultimately, he or she is not really a µtherapist¶ at all. As th e open space, the vastness in which all thoughts, sensations, feelings and sounds come and go, there is no fixed identity, and no role can define you. A µtherapist¶ cannot heal a µclient¶, because both µtherapist¶ and µclient¶ are simply temporary roles being played out presently in this open awareness ± and these roles are no t who we really are. And so we hold these roles very, very ligh tly. µI¶ cannot heal µyou¶, because healing i s the space in which the dualistic split of µI¶ and
µyou¶ arises in the first place. And so there is no longer any burden on the therapist to µheal the client¶. I remember during my therapy training how my fellow trainees would exhaust themselves by carrying the belief that they were personally responsible for their clients¶ healing. And oh, the panic that would ensue when clients didn¶t show up! When you are i dentified as a µtherapist¶, the non-appearance of your client threatens your identity. But seen from this new perspective, the burden of healing no longer rests upon anyone¶s shoulders, and the client no longer poses a threat to the therapist¶s identity. In other words, the therapist knows that healing is already present, before the client even begins to speak. The therapy session then simply becomes a dance within wholeness. It not about fixing the client, i t is not about proving yourself as a therapist, it i s about dancing with each other as the ever-present healing shines. We dance, together, in wholeness. The client may go to therapy to get healed ± and in therapy, he or she may come to realize that no healing is n ecessary, because who they really are is already healed (whole), and always has been. E ven throughout all the traumatic experiences of hi s or her life, there was something there that was already whole, and was never damaged or even traumatized by those experiences. Experiences may be traumatic, but nobody, ultimately, is traumatized. What you are cannot be damaged, cannot be broken, cannot be destroyed, cannot die. Life is already healed, and on some level, even the most µdamaged¶ client knows this. And so, in therapy, we do not speak to the µdamaged self¶ ± we speak to that which already knows that they are not that. We speak to that which is already healed. Any therapy that does not recognize the already-healed nature of life will simply fuel the seeking, keep the client dependent on the therapist (and vice versa), keep both client and therapist trapped in the dream of separation, and make true healing an everreceding goal. Any therapist who does not recognize that a µtherapist¶ (in the sense of µone who can heal another¶) is not who he or she really i s, will simply keep the client trapped in their dream of µclient¶ (as in, µone who is waiting for healing, one who i s broken¶). But the therapist who recognizes that they are not really a µtherapist¶ at all, that they are simply the open space in which µtherapist¶ arises, that they, as open space, are equal to that in which µclient¶ arises, that they, as open space, are already healed, just as their µclient¶ is already healed ± thi s therapist is no longer hiding behind their role as therapist. They are no longer using their professional identity to defend themselves from true, authentic, intimate relationship. They are no longer afraid to confront even the most µdamaged self¶, because they do not see this self as µother¶. And so they are free to dive, head first, fearlessly, into the client¶s pain, whi ch is their own pain. We meet in our mutual brokenness, and we call that love.
µTherapist¶ and µclient¶ fall away, to reveal total intimacy. This, I would say, is what
therapy is really about ± going beyond the roles, the games, the beliefs and ideologies that apparently separate us, and meeting, truly meeting, in intimacy, in nakedness. The therapist strips off their µ therapist¶ clothes, metaphorically speaking, and stands n aked in front of their client. They do not pretend to µknow¶ how to help the client, for in this nakedness, they are just as vul nerable, as helpless, as open to life as the client is. They meet the client in this not-knowing. Underneath all the roles, the games, the social norms, the pretend-play of µtherapist¶ and µclient¶, this not-knowing shines, always. It is where everything begins, and where everything ends. A true therapist admits that they do not know, and they meet the client there. They do not know, and their client does not know, and there, right there, is the intimacy. And from that place of intimacy, they begin to explore. The exploration is then a dance within intimacy. It is not the attempt to reach intimacy, in time, through exploration ± for the very exploration happens within the intimacy. And so it i s not an exploration that is coming from seeking. It is coming from fascination. In fascination, we explore the nature of seeking together. In fascination, we shine light upon the workings of the mind (thought). We look at ways in which you (I) run away from certain experiences. How we run away from feeling certain feelings. How we have become lost in the shoulds and the shouldnts. How we¶ve been seeking love when love is already here. How we¶ve been looking for intimacy when intimacy is already here. How we¶ve been clinging onto false images of ourselves, when in fact we are simply the space in which all these images appear. Everything, literally everything ± the whole world ± can appear in this intimacy, and therapy is the space in which we can shine light on all of i t. Literally all of it. The world comes to meet us in therapy, and nothing is hidden. Everything is allowed in this space. Everything is lit up here. Everything is enlightened here. The space of therapy is the space that we are. So in the end, therapy is not something that happens in a room, sometimes, between two or more people. It is not something that happens when a therapist and a client get together and start talking about life¶s problems. Therapy i s not something that we do ± it¶s what we already are. And this is always available to be discovered. It looks like two people are making this discovery together, when in the end, it¶s the very idea of µtwo people¶ that falls away in this discovery. In this intimacy, who heals whom? The therapist heals the client? Well, it might be as true to say that the client heals the therapist. The client destroys the therapist, in fascination, in love. It¶s total humility in the presence of another human being. It¶s seeing ± really seeing who and what is in front of you. And being seen in return. Being exposed. Being, exposed. I was once talking to a woman who was about to leave her husband and move into an apartment on her own. She had never lived alone before and was terrified. She had been to therapist after therapist, all of whom had tried, in one way or another, to help her, to heal her, to make thin gs more okay for her, to change her in some way. Nothing had worked, and her fears had grown to the point where life was becoming unliveable. She was telling me story after story about her fears, her worries, her anxieties over the future. She hadn¶t slept in three months, she said. She wasn¶t eating. She was becoming dependent on pills. She kept on repeating ³I just don¶t know what will happen to me. I just don¶t know´, as she rocked back and forth in her chair. I sat there, listening to her, interested. I had no answers. I di dn¶t know what would happen to her either. I am as helpless as she is i n the face of life. I couldn¶t promise her that everything would be okay. I couldn¶t promise her anything in fact. All my training as a therapist meant nothing in the face of this not knowing. No technique, no theory, no set of guidelines can last in the fire of not knowing. As open space, I live in not knowing, just as she does. I
don¶t know what will happen. Being a µtherapist¶ gives me no special i nsight into the mysteries of time. I looked her in the eyes and simply said, in all honesty, ³I don¶t know either. I really don¶t know.´ She went quiet, slumped back in her chair, and we sat together in silence for the rest of the session. She didn¶t turn up the following week for her session, or the next three sessions. My supervisor was worried, and tried to analyse everything away, but I simply trusted the experience. A month later my client returned. She seemed different. Somehow more alive, more in her body, more grounded, more rested. She told me how helpful our previous session had been, how something in her had deeply relaxed since then, how she had realised that not knowing was okay, and that she n eeded no answers, no support, no therapist. She just needed to plunge headfirst into life, without crutches, and experience everything . It was something she had never considered before ± that she was okay as she was. For once in her life she had experienced being in the presence of someone who hadn¶t been trying to fix her. For her, that seemed to be enough ± for now. I knew that I had done nothing. I had simply met her in the truth. I didn¶t know. She didn¶t know. I hadn¶t pretended to know. I hadn¶t even pretended to be a therapist! And yet there we met, naked, beyond our roles, in spite of our roles. Naked, in front of life. There, in not knowing. Alone, together. Whole. Healed. In true therapy, the therapist does not heal the cli ent. That is not possible. It would perhaps be more true to say that, in true therapy, the client heals the therapist. The therapist gets stripped of their false roles, their games, their defences, their µI know¶ attitude, and learns to stand naked in front of another human being. The therapist dies, and there, true therapy can begin. Let your client heal you. They won¶t teach you this in your psychotherapy programme. Some may say you are mad. Some may say you are hopelessly naïve. Some may say you are simply a bad therapist. But when you discover who you really are, it all makes perfect sense.
WHY THE IMPERSONAL DOES NOT µEXIST¶ The birth and death of fundamentalism in nonduality and Advaita teachings.
by Jeff Foster
Originally published in 3e millénaire (N° 101 ± Automne 2011)
as ³Pourquoi l¶impersonnel n¶existe pas´
Govinda said: µWhat you call a thing, is it something real and intrinsic? Is it not simply an illusion of Maya, merely image and appearance? Your stone, your tree, are they real?¶
µThis does not trouble me much,¶ said Siddhartha. µIf they are illusion, then I too am illusion, and so they are of the same nature as myself« That is why I can love them« - Siddhartha, Herman Hesse
A few months ago I made this announcement: ³I am officiall y no lon g er an µAd vaita teacher¶ or µNonduality teacher¶ ± if , ind eed , I ever wa s one. Lif e cannot be put int o wor ds , and however beaut iful the wor ds of Ad vaita/ Nonduality are, they must be discar d ed in the end. I could never cl aim t o be any sort of author ity on this st uff. I will cont inue t o s peak, t o sin g m y son g t o those who are o pen t o listenin g , but gone is the need t o ad here t o any tradit ion, t o use µAd vaita- s peak¶ t o avoid real , authent ic human en g a g ement, t o pretend that I am in any way more or l e ss s pecial than you , t o k id you that I know more than you , t o pl ay the µ teacher¶ b y re fusin g t o meet you in the pl ay, t o st o p listenin g t o you because I see you a s µst ill st uck in the d ream¶ or µst ill a per son¶ . T his me ssa g e is about love, in the tr ue sen se of the wor d ± otherwise it is sim pl y nihilism ma squeradin g a s f reedom. T he µAd vaita Police¶ repl y µW ho care s?¶ I say I do. I do.´ In this essay I want to explain why I made this statement. THE MESSAGE OF RADICAL ADVAITA
If you listen to certain nonduality/Advaita teachers who are on the scene at the moment, you may get the impression that there is something terr ibl y wr on g with having a personal µstory¶. Having a thought-created story about yourself, your past experiences, your relationships, your feelings, your desires and hopes and fears, and so on ± in other words, being a living, breathing human being ± is a clear sign of delusion and duality. And you need to wake up from this mess! If you go to a public meeting held by a teacher of µradical Advaita¶, and they invite questions, and you start talking about something personal ± for example, the death of a loved one, an addiction you have, a painful event that happened in your past ± they will tell you that you are µstuck in your story¶, or µlost in the dream of time and space¶ or they will simply say you are µstill a person¶ and µhaven¶t woken up yet¶. The fact that you µtold a story¶ shows that you are
still coming from duality ± you are still identified as a seeker, stuck in the personal. Once you µget it¶, you will no longer tell personal stories. You will exist in the eternal Now, and know nothing of your past. These teachers, of course, no longer µtell stories¶ (well, except the gigantic story that all stories are a sign of ignorance«). They imply that they themselves exist in some sort of mystical state beyond the personal, or that they have entered into a kind of space where the personal no longer has any meaning, relevance or interest. They don¶t have a past or future, they don¶t have µpersonal relationships¶ (who is there to have a relationship with?), and they certainly never suffer (because all suffering is an illusion, right?) And so you end up feeling inferior to these people (or non-people, or nobodies, or absences, or whatever they are calling themselves today) and terribly guilty and narcissistic for still having interest in your personal story. Liberation or enlightenment obviously hasn¶t happened for you yet! And so you wait and wait for liberation to happen. And although these teachers say there is nothing you can do to reach liberation, and nobody there who can do anything anyway, you carry on going to their meetings and reading their books, in the vain hope that it will happen one day. Although there¶s no µyou¶ it can happen to. And no µone day¶«. What a headache! And for these teachers, your µheadache¶ is yet a further sign that you don¶t µget it¶ yet. Their teaching is 100% true, pure, and uncompromisingly, brutally honest ± your confusion is your problem, a sign of your ignorance. The burden of guilt is on you. Although these teachers talk about freedom, the wonder of existence and t he completeness of all things, in their denial or rejection of the personal, they are sending a clear message to the seeker: keep seek in g , for one d ay the per sonal will f all away. The seeker is kept hooked on the promise of a future µimpersonal¶ state or experience, although of course, the teacher denies that they have any sort of agenda, or are promising anything to the seeker. In the hierarchy of radical Advaita, the impersonal is better, or more real, or at least less illusory, than the personal ± although of course, it is a lso claimed that all hierarchies are illusions. Radical Advaita is a subtle form of seeking, no doubt about it. Of course, what these teachers cannot see is t hat their µimpersonal¶ (actually ant i-personal) position is in fact a very per sonal preference. They claim that their teaching is µimpersonal¶ and without agenda (because it does not speak to you as a separate person), when of course their preference to avoid or dismiss your personal story is a very personal one, and it comes from an agenda to make you realise that you are not liberated yet. In promoting the impersonal, in making the impersonal the absolute truth, they actually create the very division between the impersonal and the personal, absolute and relative, that t hey claim they have transcended. And even though they don¶t allow personal stories in the meetings, outside of the meetings these teachers tell stories, gossip, argue and defend positions just like anyone else. Why is there a division between what goes on in the meetings, and outside of them? Why is there one rule for them, and another rule for us? Why do the meetings have to be such a per for mance? Surely liberation brings freedom from the need to perform in this way? Now, please don¶t misunderstand me. I¶m not saying these teachers are bad, or wrong, or that they intentionally set out to mislead people ± nothing of the sort! I¶m saying that I no longer resonate with this way of expressing truth, that¶s all. I used to hold µradical Advaita¶ meetings myself, and would often dismiss personal stories in the same way as I¶m describing above, and so I totally understand where this form of expression is coming from. I used to love this radical, uncompromising approach«. until I saw through its root assumptions and its hidden
agendas. It took me a long time ± and much soul-searching and humility ± to realise that, in fact, the impersonal and the personal are one, and this µanti-personal¶ stance is simply a personal preference of certain spiritual teachers. There is no such thing as a n µimpersonal¶ message ± there are only people who act in µimpersonal¶ ways towards others. There are impersonal personalities ± but no impersonal messages. What many of these teachers call µimpersonal truth¶ is actually their own ant i-per sonal stance disguised as objective fact. THE IMPERSONAL IS THE PERSONAL
Whatever the impersonal is, it actually expre sse s itself as the personal, and so true freedom cannot come through a denial or rejection of the personal story ± it¶s actually there right at the heart of that story, at the heart of the messiness of human existence. That¶s where the grace shines. Think of Jesus on the cross. Right at the heart of the most terrible personal suffering ± right at the heart of broken bones, flayed skin, torn muscle, the Divine shone, impersonal and free. Jesus was absolutely human, and in that humanness, absolutely divine. He did not find freedom through escaping from the cross, though a rejection of the personal. No ± freedom, God, wholeness, was right there at the heart of the cross, where life and µmy life¶ intersect and destroy each other. Freedom was, and is, life itself. We, all of us, live there at the heart of that intersection ± where the vertical (that which is beyond time and space) meets the horizontal (time and space), where the truly impersonal (the open space in which that story appears) meets the personal (the story of µme¶). And so, it gets to the point where you can¶t even use the words µpersonal¶ and µimpersonal¶ anymore ± because you have no way of separating them in the first place. Where does one begin and the other end? Perhaps there is no dividing line ± perhaps at the centre of the cross, there is only One. Perhaps what I truly am is inseparable from life itself. Perhaps I have always been that which I have longed for the most. Just perhaps. In my µstory¶ (yes, there is a story appearing here ± who could deny that?) I spent years pushing away the personal, trying to get rid of my personal story, trying to dwell in the Absolute, to get rid of my µsomeone¶ and become µno-one¶. Jeff was the enemy and I had to get rid of him. The personal self was the devil, and it was only in the destruction of the devil that I would meet God. The ego was the lie that had to be annihilated. Or at least, that¶s what I believed at the time. I had read a lot of spiritual books, and had come to a lot of conclusions about reality ± not realising that my conclusions were actually per sonal belie fs. Human beings are amazing creatures. We think we have found objective truth, when in fact we have just come to rest on a subjective belief, and forgotten this. For a while, the µimpersonal¶ seemed like freedom to me, because the personal had become unliveable. My personal story (relative existence) had become hell ± I hated my life, suffered terrible social phobia, felt like a total failure, saw no point in existing at all ± and so it made sense at the time to escape into the impersonal heaven promised by the Advaita teachings. ³There is no me, there is no you, there is no world, there are no others, suffering doesn¶t exist, thereµs no responsibility on any level´ ± wow, what a comfort for the exhausted seeker! A one-way ticket to freedom from all worldly problems ± Hall elujah! No responsibility, no past, no choice ± what a relief! I could do what I wanted, say what I wanted, I could even hurt people intentionally and it didn¶t matter because it was all Oneness and I had no choice anyway. Or so I believed.
I thought I was free, and meanwhile, the seeker was feeding itself, gorging itself on these new Advaita concepts. I thought I was nobody, and meanwhile, my personal story was feasting on the very personal idea that I was µbeyond¶ or µabove¶ the personal. I thought I was free from all divisions, and meanwhile, µnonduality¶ and µduality¶ were at war, µpersonal¶ and µimpersonal¶ had locked horns. I rejected all spiritual paths and practices ± they were all dualistic and rooted in ignorance. I was at war with any teacher who looked like they offered a personal path. I saw these teachers as µdualistic¶ because it looked like, in speaking to a person and offering them hope of any kind, they were actually feeding the seeking and keeping people trapped in their stories. Impersonal teachings ± teachings which did not speak to a µperson¶ and did not offer the non-existent seeker any hope or comfort ± were the only truth; that seemed the logical next step. And I enjoyed warning people about the dualistic teachers who were keeping people trapped in their ignorance ± although of course, when challenged about this (³Jeff, isn¶t it hypocritical to call other teachers µdualistic¶ when there are no others, and duality is an illusion?´), I backtracked and said there was nobody here with an opinion about anything, and that everything was perfect as it was. Oh yes, I became very clever with words. You have to be, when you are defending a position, and trying to make it look like you have no position to defend. That¶s how gurus are born. I call this the ³Advaita Trap´ ± and at the time, I didn¶t think I was trapped ± I thought I was free. Often when you think you are free you are more trapped than ever. So, I was living in my impersonal castle, believing that I was free from the personal, but secretly I was at war with the personal. I was a f raid of the personal, it terrified me ± we attack what we are most afraid of. Real, honest, authentic human interaction? S cary. Opening myself up to life, admitting that I was wrong about certain things, letting go of my most cherished identities and beliefs? T err if yin g . The risk of exposing myself to others and being rejected? No, better to pretend there are no others to interact with. P er sonal exper ience is for ig norant d reamer s. T he im per sonal is much more real. I claimed to be free from the personal, but secretly, behind the scenes, I was still suffering very much ± there were still relationships that didn¶t feel clean, places where I knew I wasn¶t being honest, places where I was holding back from life, where seeking was still happening. I still felt disconnected from others, blocked, unfulfilled in many ways ± but since I believed that I was liberated, or that I was µno-one¶, I could n¶t admit this t o m y self , l et alone other peo pl e. The radical Advaita teachings were a great comfort at this point ± it was a comfort to know that µafter liberation, suffering can still arise but now it belongs to no-one¶. Great! Suffering was okay ± I didn¶t have to do anything about it, and anyway, there wasn¶t anything I could do about it, because there was nobody here to do anything. ³I¶m still miserable ± there is still misery appearing ± but now nobody is miserable´. The radical Advaita message provided great relief. But nobod y suffering or somebod y suffering, there was still suffering ± and suffering is seeking! I was still seeking, still at war with life, but claiming to be free from all seeking, in order to promote my identity as an µex-seeker¶. Phew. It was all so exhausting, holding up this enlightened facade! But every facade, every defence, every castle must crumble in the end. No philosophy or belief system, no matter how refined, radical or µuncompromising¶, can protect you from life itself. Life is the authority, and all belief systems crumble before life, in the end. My radical Advaita castle had been built on very shaky foundations«
³I am no one, nothing exists´. Oh yes, there is a beautiful truth in that. But at the same time, it¶s not true, not at all ± not until it¶s balanced by its opposite, within the dream. No concept could ever begin to capture life, because life is prior to all concepts (including these ones). Concepts are always dualistic ± the world of concepts is the world of two. ³Self´ and ³noself´ always appear and disappear together. ³Someone´ and ³no-one´ always arise and fall at the same time. In the dream, everything is perfectly balanced by its own reflection ± you cannot have one without the other. ³Nothing exists´ is perfectly balanced by ³something exists´, and so on. Life itself, however, is always beyond all of these opposites. It is beyond ³self´ and ³no-self´, ³person´ and ³no-person´, ³path´ and ³no-path´, ³time´ and ³absence of time´. Life as it is, is totally beyond comprehension, in the same way that the wave will never understand the ocean, because it already IS the ocean« THE WAVE AND THE OCEAN
Imagine a wave in an ocean. The wave says to itself ³I¶m separate from the ocean´. It believes and experiences itself to exist separately from the ocean. It believes that it was born as a separate entity, and that it will die one day. It has a story about a past and a future, it can talk about its past experiences, its successes and failures, its achievements, its hopes and regrets and fears. And in a million different ways it spends its life seeking ± seeking love, seeking approval, seeking success, or seeking spiritual enlightenment ± and what it¶s really looking for, of course, is the ocean. And yet, the wave is already a perfect expression of the ocean ± it was that from the very beginning. The ocean actually expresses itself a s all the seemingly different waves. One, expressing itself as many ± although in reality, the µmany¶ are not separate from the µone¶. The point is, the wave only appear s to exist, only seems to exist ± in reality, there is no separate wave. The wave literally ex- sist s (³stands out´) of the ocean ± but in reality, there is no separate wave standing out. And so we appear to have a paradox ± a wave appears to exist (stand out), and in fact does not exist (because how can anything stand out of the ocean, when the ocean is all there is? How can the ocean µstand out¶ of itself?). We have the paradox of the impersonal appearing as the personal. The wave is both personal AND impersonal. It both exists and does not exist. It appears to be separate (the story) and yet it is not separate from the ocean, from life. Now, the world of the wave is the world of duality. From the µperspective¶ of the wave, there appears to be divisions: between the i mpersonal and the personal, between the a bsolute and the relative, between emptiness and form, between duality and non-duality. But from the µperspective¶ of the ocean these divisions do not exist ± nothing does. It is only a wave that would divide the personal from the impersonal, self from no-self, someone from no-one. The ocean cannot divide in this way ± because it is all there is, with no way of dividing itself from itself. Water cannot divide itself from water. Only the wave speaks. The ocean remains silent ± it has nothing to say. It does not µexist¶, because it does not µstand out¶ ± it cannot separate itself from itself in any way. And so it becomes clear that:
1. Only (the appearance of) a person would divide the personal from the impersonal, and then claim that their expression or teaching is one or the other. 2. Only a person would claim to not be a person, because only a person would see that division (person / no-person) in the first place. In the same way, only a self would claim they had no self, only an ego would claim to be free from ego« 3. Only a teaching rooted in duality would reject other teachings as dualistic. Only a teacher at war with their own ignorance would label other teachers as ignorant. The world is a perfect mirror of yourself. 4. If a teaching was truly impersonal, it would not exist, and the holding of meetings and retreats would not be possible. The ocean does not speak. In order to call itself impersonal, a teaching must be first rooted in the personal, and then deny it. Ingenious. Anyway, this is all wonderful! It means that nobody has the answers. It means that when it comes to the ocean, none of the waves can be an authority. It means that none of the waves in the ocean can transcend the ocean ± because they are only expressions of the ocean. A wave that claims to have transcended or gone beyond the ocean, is still just a wave, making certain claims. Even the most radical Advaita t eacher is still a wave. Nobody has µreached¶ the impersonal, or µgone beyond¶ the personal, because the wave cannot go beyond itself. All waves are equal in essence ± they are water. In other words, the impersonal cannot be impersonal until it radically includes and embraces the personal. This seems like a complete contradiction in terms, but you often have to speak in paradoxes when talking about something that cannot be put into words! The impersonal is the personal ± nonduality is duality ± then it¶s complete. You won¶t find the impersonal anywhere else except right at the heart of the personal ± a total paradox, and yet as simple as breathing. I think what tends to happen is this: 1. The wave sees that it is the ocean. 2. The wave uses this insight to d eny that there was a wave in the first place ± or ever was. Yes, it¶s a tricky one. That¶s why you have to be very careful when you¶re talking about nonduality! You see, the seeker wants to be fed. Once the seeker gets hold of a concept ± ³there is no me, no world, no suffering´, etc ± then if it¶s not seen with absolute clarity what those words are pointing to, the seeker will actually use those words to d eepen the seeking and the identification. So for example, if there is no free will, and if there is no choice, and if there are no others, and if there¶s nobody suffering, then ³I can do whatever I want to do. I can go outside and murder someone now, and it doesn¶t matter, because it¶s just Oneness ± it doesn¶t matter because there¶s no choice.´ That¶s when nonduality just becomes another belief system, another religion, another form of separation. THE END OF FUNDAMENTALISM
And so the way I talk about nonduality has really changed over the years ± it has evolved to incorporate this fundamental insight of non- separat ion between what we call µpersonal¶ and what we call µimpersonal¶. I used to speak much more from the absolute, µoceanic¶ perspective ± no me, no you, no world ± and I still do sometimes, but only at certain times, and in certain contexts, when it seems appropriate. From the perspective of the ocean, there is
no time and space, nothing to do and nowhere to go, because the ocean is beyond all of those divisions. At the same time, however, this ultimate truth expresses itself a s time and space, a s the appearance of the waves, a s the appearance of someone in a world. There is no me and no you, but there is the appearance of me and you ± and this is where we live and meet, in the appearance. You don¶t exist, and yet you do, and that is why I can love you. I am not here as a separate entity, and yet I am here, undeniably so, and so are you. What I am (as the ocean) is beyond the story, and yet, undeniably, the story appears (the wave) ± and as the wave, I have no need to deny the story, or pretend it doesn¶t exist ± how can a story deny a story? So I dance and play as the wave, knowing myself at all times as the ocean, without contradiction. This only appears to be a paradox to the seeking mind« And so what is seen these days is this: nonduality is not a reject ion of duality, but a cel ebrat ion of it ± such a total celebration, that one cannot even use the words µnonduality¶ and µduality¶ as separate from each other. No-one and someone are actually one ± they were never two. If µthere is no-one¶ is the crucifixion, then µthere appears to be someone¶ is the resurrection. The crucifixion needs the resurrection to complete itself. And so radical Advaita is only partially true ± until it completes itself with its reflection. Then it¶s all over. When I drive my car too fast on the motorway, and a policeman pulls me over and asks me my name, I say ³Jeff Foster´. I don¶t say ³I am no-one´ or ³Jeff Foster does not exist´. And although in an ultimate sense all of this may be true, still, when I say it, it¶s not true ± it¶s simply another concept. Nobody lives in µultimately true¶. We cannot live in ultimates. We live here, in this world of time and space and apparent things, and so I meet the policeman and say ³Jeff Foster´ ± and that is love. (Yes, love, even with a police officer!) Even the most fundamentalist nonduality teacher answers to their name when pulled over by a policeman. Who can deny name and form? Who can deny the story? Who is going to deny the personal? Who would even want to? THE FREEDOM TO BE PERSONAL
These days, because I¶m no longer identified as being an Advaita teacher (and certainly not a µteacher of radical Advaita¶), in my meetings and retreats the following rules and regulations no longer apply: 1. You shall not talk about your personal story 2. You shall not use the words µI¶ or µme¶ or µmyself¶ 3. If you talk about your personal story, you will be laughed at, or your experience will be dismissed or invalidated, or you will be punished. Or you will be told that you are still µstuck in the dream¶, or µignorant of your true nature¶, or that µliberation obviously hasn¶t happened there yet¶« Yes, everybody is free, really free, thank goodness, to use whatever words they want to, to talk about their human experiences in whatever way feels right and honest and true to them, to tell their story. Stories are allowed ± all human experience is allowed . And of course the meetings and retreats are not about indulging those stories, or µfixing¶ them, but they are not about d enyin g or reject in g the st or ie s either . In the meetings we shine light on the story ± we en-lighten the seeker. We don¶t feed the seeker with new concepts like ³there is no me´ (although those words may be used on certain occasions as pointers), and we don¶t deny the appearance of the seeker or pretend there is no
such thing as human suffering (and how easy it is to deny suffering when you are not suffering!). What cuts right through the middle of indulgin g the storylines and d enyin g them is present seein g ± a seeing that you cannot do, a seeing that you already are. The meetings are all about a rediscovery of that seeing ± which is the end of seeking. True freedom is not about escaping from the personal into the impersonal ± it is to be found right at the heart of even the most intimately personal human experience. And so what a relief it is, to be a living, breathing, human being again, to allow life to express itself as this human name and form, as this beautifully per sonal human experience, and to know that it is none other than the impersonal dancing, playing, celebrating itself in every moment. I thank the teachers of radical Advaita for singing their song, and I r espectfully break with their tradition once and for all ± for all traditions are limited, and the song of life cannot be contained. Fundamentalism cannot stand; love will destroy everything in the end. So tell me your story, and let the impersonal shine.
JEFF FOSTER ± SHORT QUOTES
³What is grace? Where is it? It is here. It is each and every moment, seen for what it is. It is not in the future ± it is now. It is the gift of breathing, talking or not talking, watching a sunset or lying in bed in excruciating pain. All is life. All is given for free. All is grace. Never forget this. Even in the midst of your greatest suffering, never forget this.´
Hearts broken open, minds blown open, eyes open wide, we meet, face-to-face, space-tospace, here and now ± and the search for love is always already over, before it¶s even begun. Anything that appears within awareness is already welcome, already accepted, alr eady okay. No extra µacceptance¶ needs to be attempted. And even if it is, your attempt to accept is already accepted, as is your failure to accept, and any non-acceptance or rejection which will inevitably appear in the play of opposites. All is radically embraced here. µHealing¶ has nothing to do with fixing something that¶s broken. µHealing¶ is the rediscovery of wholeness (µheal¶ = µwhole¶) in the midst of the very experience of brokenness. Can anything in present experience be broken or incomplete? Can a sound be incomplete? Can a sensation be incomplete? Can a thought be broken? Can what you are be broken? In seeing that present experience is always complete, what needs fixing? As an Advaita teacher, I used to mechanically repeat phrases like µthere is no me¶ (and I still phrase things like that, sometimes, but only in certain contexts.) These days, I¶m far more likely to say µTake a look now, can you find a separate person«?¶ It¶s an invitation to explore present experience, not with hope of µfixing¶ it, or becoming enlightened ± it¶s an exploration borne of fascination, curiosity, love.
Unconditional love embraces both pain and the image of the one who is trying ± and failing ± to escape it. This love is so fiercely unconditional that it even embraces µyour¶ resistance to life, and in that embrace, melts it. Nothing false survives this intimacy. We are already embraced by a love with no name« The word µboring¶ also means µdrilling¶ (as in drilling a hole). When you say µI am bored¶, what is really happening? Life is µdrilling¶ through the facade of µyou¶, threatening to reveal the non-existence of the seeker. Even deathly boredom is an invitation to this freedom! Bones can be broken. Life ± what you are beyond your story- cannot. Let your heart break into a million pieces today. Allow yourself to cry today. Be vulnerable today. Feel gratitude today for the smallest and most µinsignificant¶ things. A taste. A glance. A breath. On this day of all days ± your first day, and your last day. Life is absolutely dependable: it¶s always exactly as it is, not always as you think it should be, and never as it isn¶t. Dear One, I don¶t mind if you hold µsatsangs¶ or not. If you think of yourself as enlightened, or awakened, or fully present, or not. If you¶ve written a book or not. If you talk about your experiences in public, or you keep quiet about it all, or something inbetween. If you think of yourself as µno-one¶ or as µsomeone¶ or as anything else. Those stories becomes totally irrelevant when we meet for t he first time. Nothing I say is the gospel truth. I am just a bird singing my song, for the sheer joy of it. That is my freedom. My song is neither µtrue¶ nor µfalse¶ ± it is merely music. You are free to listen to this music, or walk away. To sing your song back to me, or not. That is your freedom. Either way, this singing goes on until it doesn¶t. The universe sings to itself. Tweet Tweet! The wave in the ocean, experiencing itself as broken and incomplete, seeks wholeness. Experiencing homesickness, it seeks home. And all the while, the wave is a perfect expression of the very wholeness it is seeking. There is no wave separate from the ocean. Already being home, we seek home. And the play goes on«. I¶m not present enough, I¶m not relaxed enough, I have too much ego, I don¶t have an ego, I¶m not clear enough, I¶m too much in my story, I have too many thoughts, my mind should be quieter, I¶m enlightened, I¶ll never be enlightened, I don¶t know, I know too much, I suffer too much, there is no µme¶, there is still a µme¶ ± and on and on. And it¶s still supremely, cosmos-shatteringly, breathtakingly okay. I am unloved, I am loved. I am misunderstood, I am understood. I am unappreciated, I am appreciated. I¶m successful, I am a failure. Either way, and in all cases, it¶s always deeply, fundamentally, earth-shatteringly okay. What I am is prior to all stories, including this one. We long for total intimacy as much as we fear it. We long to be stripped of our stories, our defences, all those projections which keep us (apparently) at a distance. And then to meet each other, to really meet, face t o face, space to space, with nothing to fear a nymore, and nothing to lose. That is love and that is death. And yet this longing is already fulfilled. You are its fulfilment. Now.
You are the dream of yourself. µOthers¶ are si mply characters appearing in the dream. But this dream has no separate dreamer ± the dreamer IS the dream. This is total intimacy, beyond the speaking of it. What an astonishing mystery, for nobody at all« An Advaita teacher says to me: ³You are not a person. There is only Oneness´. I find the truth in that. Somebody else says to me: ³There is no Oneness. You ARE a person´. I find the truth in that, too. It¶s so beautiful, finding the truth in every belief, and not having to believe in any of it. Beyond the story, behind the mask, there is only intimacy. Beyond the story of your past, the story of your imagined future, the story of your frustrations, your sorrows, your fears ± what is actually here? Beyond the dream of tomorrow, what shines today? This ± LIFE ± offering itself in all its fullness. Flowering as every thought, every sound, every sensation. Only one word: Gratitude. I used to be so stuck in the ³everything is perfect´ trap. I¶d suffer tremendously, and I¶d say to myself ³my suffering is perfect´ (which WAS true in an absolute sense«) and do nothing ± and then fight with anyone who suggested I could DO anything! I was blind to this total perfection which INCLUDES our ability to take a fresh look at what we experience (perfectly!) as suffering. Everything is already perfect as it is. But this is not a call to passivity. Part of this unconditional perfection is that within our dream we appear to have the freedom to see what needs changing and change it. Seeing perfection, and moving to improve an already-perfect world, are not-two. You are the world ± you cannot pretend it doesn¶t exist. This is the mystery. Whatever it is, it is appearing as this. That¶s it. And it¶s all inclusive, this mystery. It includes everything, that¶s the beauty of it ± lik e the simplicity of sitting on this chair, this thought, this breath« ³Jeff, your message is all about just being in the moment, sitting back from life, doing nothing and being totally passive.´ No. That¶s detachment. That¶s somebody being detached. That¶s separation. This message is about total intimacy, which is µyour¶ fundamental inseperablity from life. Detachment is only possible in the dream. Life itself is wide open. Space to space, face to face ± we are all µin love with¶ (inseperable from) each other, but don¶t realise it« ³Nobody here, nobody there´ can sound so cold, empty and heartless. But µnobody here¶ is the vastness in which the world arises. It is wide open to all phenomena, and is not separate from those phenomena. µNobody here¶ means intimacy. Space to space, face to face ± this is the origin of real, heartbreaking compassion (³for no-one´, as they say«.). The recognition of nonduality is not the end of compassion. Compassion IS the recognition of nonduality. When it¶s seen that there¶s µnobody here¶ ± i.e. there is simply this open, intimate space in which everything appears, there¶s enough room for everyone and everything, including µyou¶. I can no longer shut you out. This is why compassion is possible at all. We are looking for what we already are. And that¶s precisely why we¶re looking.
³I love you, I miss you, I can¶t live without you, you complete me, we are one, I am lost without you, don¶t ever leave me, baby come back to me, I¶ve been looking for you my whole life«´ ± sentimental, cheesy, superficial pop lyrics ± or expressions of a primal longing to be whole again? Instant Compassion: Others are not µothers¶ at all, they are what you are ± only the stories differ. They are already home AND trying desperately to return home, not knowing how to get there, experiencing a primal homesickness, longing to rest. Their µwrong¶ behaviour is perfectly µright¶ in their dream. This isn¶t to condone violence but to SEE it for what it is. Compassion begins here. What you are is the answer. Then you start learning the questions« Seeking is not a µmistake¶ ± it is inevitable, natural, µbuilt in¶. The newborn baby, ejected from the womb, is faced with the pre-verbal strangeness and overwhelmingness of life (the NOT OKAY) and seeks safety, the total embrace of the womb, externalised, at first, as µmother¶ (the OKAY). We want wealth, power, success, popularity, enlightenment, perfect relationship ± these become symbols of OKAY in our world. Thought cannot comprehend what I Am, because what I Am is prior to thought, and therefore has no opposite. Desperately trying to capture this no-thing beyond no-thing, thought invents words like ³Oneness´, ³God´, ³Spirit´, ³Nonduality´, ³Being´, even ³Enlightenment´ (and their corresponding opposites), and the search is on. A work of genius! And so finally, the µworld¶ is a giant womb, in which we seek to return to the womb. There is only wholeness, and we seek wholeness. Only Oneness, and we seek Oneness. Only THIS, and we seek THAT. Life and death are absolutely one. What astonishing, mysterious, hilarious, tragic, beautiful creatures we are, and what absolute compassion for humanity this understanding brings. And what a wonderful story I¶ve just told! We seek Oneness ± not the abstract concept µOneness¶, but the actual sense of Home-With No-Opposite that we all µknew¶ in the womb. Of course, we didn¶t µknow¶ it, we WERE it. That¶s the point! You were not IN the womb. You ARE the womb. Womb ± Home ± One. It¶s so primal, thought cannot grasp it ± thought came later. You are what you seek, not in some mystical shmystical way, but in actual, grounded, earthy reality. Nobody was µin¶ the womb ± nobody was separate from the womb. In the womb, pre-thought, there was no threat of womb-absence. Only later, the story appeared µI was born ± I came out of mother¶s womb¶. With the appearance of abstract thought you were now an entity that was born and could die. There was womb (safety, life), and womb-absence (abandonment, danger, death). And the game of opposites began«. Oneness ± a vague remembrance of a pre-language, pre-sense (presence) state of being totally whole, embraced, safe, with no threat of absence (since thought had not yet split reality ± there was no µexperiencer¶ yet). A µmemory¶ of the womb, so to speak. So primal. In a million different ways we try to return to that wholeness, through relationship, spiritual seeking, sex, drugs, meditation, nonduality teachings« Freedom is not an experience ± you can¶t find it and can¶t lose it. Why? Because freedom is in every experience ± or, rather, every experience appears in freedom, no matter what the
content, no matter what the story. And so every single experience IS freedom, AND an invitation to discover freedom. Life is already complete ± AND everything that appears is an invitation to recognise that completeness ± in every thought, in every sensation, in every feeling. What we call µresistance¶ is simply an invitation to let go and let in the experience being resisted. Everyone resists in different ways ± what you resist is also your own µpersonal¶ invitation to completeness ± so to speak. Even your resistance is perfect! Conditional love is really our search for unconditional love. Even conditional love, t hen, is seen to be unconditional in essence. Unconditional love is so unconditional it even embraces our failure to love unconditionally. We are already Home, AND everything that happens in the dream is an invitation to recognise that we are already Home. Whether or not the invitations are noticed, let alone accepted, we are still Home. And the invitations keep coming« When you¶re really living, when you¶re really dancing, who cares if the world is µreal¶ or if it¶s a µdream¶? If the world is a dream, then I am a dream too, and so I and the world are nottwo. If the world is real, then I am real too, and so I and the world are one. Either way, there is only intimacy. And the dance goes on«. We try so hard to be open to life, to open up to every experience, only to discover who we really are: Being, already fully open to life, already fully open to every experience. In a way, these four words summarise the entire spiritual search, and the end of that search: Being Open To Life Intimacy ± it is the death of the seeker, and we seem to long for it as much as we fear it. To be totally exposed and without defences in your eyes« is to see that your eyes are my eyes. Then there is nothing to fear because there is nothing to lose. Throughout the day, all sorts of phenomena ± thoughts, feelings, sensations, sounds ± appear spontaneously in this space. Can you ever find a division between µinside¶ and µoutside¶? A sensation ± does it happen µin the body¶? Or does it simply appear spontaneously in this space, along with a thought that says ³this s ensation is happening within something called µmy body¶´ « Mystery is the only certainty. Beyond belief, beyond doubt. Mystery is not ignorance, nor is it naiveté. It is not confusion, nor is it µhedging one¶s bets¶. It is absolute groundedness, wonder, childlike simplicity. Mystery is indestructible. It is not knowing, and in that, knowing all you need to know. If you are here to read this, you have survived. The simple, ordinary feeling of being here, now, is the miracle to end all miracles, and it still remains, even after everything else has been stripped away. Only one thing left to sa y: Thankyou. No need to wait for grace. It¶s already here: breathing, heart beating, sounds appearing, sensations« A spontaneous play of emptiness, a dance of the formless as form, and there¶s nobody here separate from this Never-Ending Dance of Completeness. It¶s the dance that you
are, the dance that life is, and it all appears now, offering itself in its fullness, asking nothing in return. Do you see what you¶ve been given? We tend to be happy when things are going our way, and unhappy when things aren¶t. It¶s natural. But what we are pointing to here is a freedom that exists despite, not because of, circumstances. Freedom in the midst of pain, sadness, even devastation. Not freedom FROM, but freedom IN. Unconditionally so. Awareness and its contents are inseparable. They are already µin love¶, so to speak. And so our very nature calls us back to deep gratitude for this messy, beautiful, sometimes painful human existence ± even when it seems impossible to love it, even like it ± even when our best laid plans don¶t work out at all. Freedom beyond the speaking of it lies hidden, unhidden, in THIS moment, in THIS place, and nowhere else. Walking along Worthing seafront, cold cheeks, icy fingers, this is life in all its glory, this is grace beyond measure, this is all given for free, and there¶s nobody here to accept or reject any of it. It simply IS. And it is always enough, even when it¶s not, and it is always home, even when it doesn¶t seem like home. What is pain, before it is owned, before it becomes µmy pain¶? Who am I, prior to the arising of the thought µI am the one in pain¶? Who, exactly, is µin¶ the pain? Is there not just pain appearing µin¶ this vast space of awareness, along with thoughts: µThis is my pain¶ µWhen will it go away?¶ µWhat did I do to deserve this?¶ µI can¶t stand it much longer¶, etc? There is a deep okayness right in the midst of pain« There is a beautiful truth to the path of Advaita ± it apparently takes time and effort to see through various aspects of human illusion. There is also a beautiful truth to the non-path of µneo-Advaita¶ ± there is no person here, no time and nothing to be done ± life is exactly as it is right now. Do you see that these two µopposing viewpoints¶ are really pointing to the same place? They aren¶t µopposing¶ at all. Nothing I say about nonduality is true. All lies. Beautiful lies. The moment I take any of this seriously, I disappear up my own backside. Sound of traffic. Thought about dinner. Shoulder pain. All appearing on the pristine screen of awareness. Yet µscreen of awareness¶ is really just another thought appearing in this« nameless space. THAT in which everything appears cannot be named by any of the µthings¶ that appear. In the end, we can¶t speak of µawareness¶ vs. µcontents of awareness¶. But it¶s fun to talk, when talking and not talking are equal« The artist doesn¶t say ³the only beauty in the world, is in my art´. The musician doesn¶t say ³my music is the only authentic music, the only true music´. The dancer doesn¶t say ³my dancing is the only dancing in the world that can move you to tears´. In true love, we don¶t say ³there is no love in the world except for mine´. So why does the guru, teacher or believer say ³my path is the only path to freedom´? We are already dead. Stone cold dead. The worst has already happened. Now we are free, and THIS is heaven. THIS ± present sights, s ounds, smells, feelings, all arising spontaneously in the vastness of Being, which was never born and cannot die. Yes, to be dead means to see
what is really here, beyond past and future and the dream of yourself. Nothing to fear, sweet dreamer ± you are already dead and cannot die again. There is no evidence of a µself¶ as a solid, independent entity that endures in time. That much is clear with a little honest investigation. But then, saying ³there is no self´ is just another belief ± more dogma, more religion. What there appears to be is the simple activity of µselfing¶ ± the spontaneous arising and dissolving of thought within awareness. Who could deny that? What is humility? Perhaps it is the recognition of one¶s ultimate inability to control this moment ± your ultimate powerlessness in the face of the rawness of existence. Your absence in the face of the presence of things, and ultimately, the inseparability of this absence and the world¶s presence. You are the world, in the most intimate sense. Perhaps humility is another word for freedom. And another word for love. I can¶t say that I am enlightened. I can¶t say that I am not. Why? Because I don¶t find any solid, independent entity here that could ever be one or the other. All I find here is a wide open space in which the scenery of life plays out ± a space inseparable from that very scenery. Any claim of enlightenment or its absence is wonderfully irrelevant, here in this alreadyenlightened vastness that belongs to no-one. Without referring to the past, who are you? Without your mental conclusions (³I am the Self´, ³I have no self´, ³I am Spirit´, ³I am not the body´, ³I am no-one´, ³I am pure awareness´, etc.), who are you? Without simply parroting your favourite teacher or guru¶s answer, who are you? Without answering the question with another question (³Who asks?´), who are you? Without answering the question at all, who are you? For a while, it seems that the hungry seeker is approaching something called µenlightenment¶. But then the seeker himself is exposed as a fraud, a phantom, a thought bubble. No seeker has ever become enlightened, for the enlightenment of the phantom seeker (in other words, his exposure in the blinding light of truth) is the death of that very search, leaving only simplicity, and nobody to claim µenlightenment¶. The seeming paradox: You search for enlightenment, until it¶s discovered that there¶s no µyou¶ to find it« and therefore there is no µenlightenment¶ outside of what¶s presently happening. All that¶s left is life, as it is. The way it¶s always been ± but now seen for what it is. Who discovers this? Who knows this? The non-existent answer will blow your absent mind. All spiritual experiences ± however µblissful¶, µpowerful¶, or µlife-changing¶ ± come and go. They have a beginning and an end. After each experience, thought says ³I¶ve got it now! It¶s over! I¶m finished! Now I know!´. But when all the dust has settled, when the drama has died down, there is still only THIS, which no time-bound experience could ever begin to touch. Life, as it is, in its brilliant simplicity. Where is the entity called µmind¶? Search for a million years, and you will never find it. There is no separate entity called µmind¶. All you will ever find is presently-arising thought (which you can call µmind¶, if you like!) Now, to WHOM is thought arising? Search for a million years and you will never find the thinker. The thinker is another thought, appearing in this wide open space, this vastness beyond time«
Many people are running around these days claiming that they are free from the µme¶. Don¶t they know that this very movement IS the µme¶, badly disguised? What is the sound of a bird singing before we call it birdsong? What is the world before it is named? What is this moment before time? Who am I before the question µWho am I?¶. The answer is not of the mind. Throughout the day, all sorts of thoughts, sounds, sensations arise in awareness. The whole of human experience ± anything anyone has ever thought, heard, felt, experienced ± is available right here. Yes, the world meets you in the intimacy that you are. The world is not µout there¶ ± it is here. And so no human experience is alien to you. This is the origin of heartbreaking compassion« No path can take you to where you are. Wherever you think you are along your path, Being is already fully present ± and paradoxically, this is the discovery which renders that very path obsolete. This is not a rejection of paths but a movement beyond them. Paths are helpful, perhaps necessary ± until their root assumptions crumble, and life in all its raw glory reveals itself. Then there is no protection« Sounds appear. But who hears them? Thoughts appear. But who thinks them? We say: ³I hear the sounds. I think the thoughts.´ But what is this I who hears and thinks? Are there really TWO things ± µyou¶ and µlife¶? Or is there simply the unitary movement of Life, which has no opposite? Is there just the ONE thing, which is no-thing at all? Does Life have a centre ± or was it all a dream? Are µyou¶ responsible for becoming a µyou¶ in the first place? Or was the µoriginal sin¶ (separation) simply an innocent response to life? If nobody µdoes¶ separation then there is no original sin, and your µguilt¶ isn¶t really yours. I¶ve been a µsuccessful¶ spiritual seeker, a desperate, failed spiritual seeker, an enlightened being, a transcendent µno-one¶, a pure awareness, an arrogant nonduality teacher stuck in the (non-existent) µimpersonal¶ void« and now I¶ve gone right back to being what I always was ± a human being, engaged with life. What a fascinating trip it¶s been. And what a relief to wind up back here, the Home I never left!! Life is here to break your heart over and over again until you realise that heartbreak is life too« and then your heart can no longer be broken, or fixed. And you stand naked in front of life, moment by moment, knowing that whatever happens is totally okay even in the midst of perfect devastation, which, of course, is devastating perfection. This is freedom beyond the speaking of it. Nothing matters. In other words, nothing takes form as matter. Nothing, no-thing, appears as everything. Emptiness dances as form. And beyond both these concepts, life is, beyond emptiness and form. Nothing matters«. yet everything matters, absolutely, because everything is all there is. This is why each breath, each sensation, each thought is so very intimate, and infinitely precious. I¶m interested in your stories. They fascinate me. But I have no interest in them. In other words, I have no interest in using them for my own advantage. Interest, and no interest, without contradiction.
³Nobody suffers! Everything is just a thought! Life is an illusion! Suffering is a dream!´ ± Easy words to memorise and repeat. Harder to say when your partner has just left you. Or your kids have just been given a few days to live. Or you are in extreme physical agony. Is Advaita merely a word game for you, a conveniently life-denying, detached philosophy? Don¶t worry. No answer required. Life will show you. What does the absence of suffering look like? It looks like whatever¶s appearing. Suffering would be the attempt to escape what¶s appearing. Who would you be, in your pain, without suffering? There would just be pain, felt totally. Suffering is the story of µmy pain¶, in time, and the story of someone trying to escape pain, in time. Suffering is the ownership of pain ± which is the identity. All identity is thought. Do you really believe that there is no self? That there is nothing you can do? That there is no doer? That everything is a concept? That there is only Absolute, Unchanging, Ever-Present Awareness and all else is dualistic? That there is no µyou¶? Then Advaita has become your new religion, your new belief system, your new ideology« and you have become blind to this. Sorry to point out the obvious. The search for freedom from the prison of suffering creates the illusion of a prisoner trapped µinside¶. When there is no attempt to escape (or even when there is), there is no prison, and no prisoner µinside¶ ± there is only what¶s happening in the moment ± be it pain, fear, or sadness. Not happening µto¶ anyone ± just arising in the vastness, complete in itself. We seek because we feel separate. We feel separate, but are we separate? To whom does µthe feeling of being separate¶ appear? Does anybody own µthe feeling of being separate¶? Even µthe feeling of being separate¶ is not separate from what you are. Freedom from separation within the experience of separation. Stunning! The end of seeking cannot be found by the seeker in the future. The end of seeking is seeing life as it is. It is the rediscovery (by no-one) of the absence of the seeker, which is identical to the present appearance of life. In that rediscovery, there is no µseeking¶ to end, and no µseeker¶ who disappears. It is not a special µ experience¶ or µevent¶. And here, language disintegrates« into simplicity and laughter. Awareness and its contents are inseparable. They are intimate. They are in love. *Tweet tweet!* The sound of that bird singing ± do you hear it? Or is it simply heard? Does hearing simply happen, effortlessly? Is that hearing separate from the bird singing? Are there two things? Or is there simply this boundless, unitary movement? Is there simply intimacy with the birdsong? Listen«. ³For-giveness´ means ³given everything´. Has life not already given everything? Has it not already given itself completely? Is this present appearance not complete? Was there ever a µyou¶ separate from this completeness? In that case«. are µyou¶ not already forgiven? In other words, what is there to forgive? Even your lack of forgiveness is forgiven here« The thought ³something is missing´ is not missing. The thought ³I am seeking´ is not itself seeking anything ± it simply appears in the fullness of life. The thought ³I am separate´ cannot separate ± it simply dances in boundless space. The ³sense of I´ is just a sense ± what is the problem with a sense? Who takes it seriously? An experience of the absence of something (lack) happens presently ± is a nything lacking?
A popular spiritual teaching: ³Stop thinking, and pure awar eness will remain.´ Beautiful. But I used to drive myself mad trying to stop thinking. I had many µno thought¶ experiences. But I was subtly making thought into the enemy. What was eventually recognised is this: All thoughts are welcome here, in this a wareness. The desire to µstop thinking¶ fell away. What simplicity! µWhat is the end of seeking?¶, the seeker asks. µLife as it already is¶, answers Life, before the question is even asked. Beyond any notion of nirvikalpa samdhi, there is only THIS, in a ll its simplicity: Sitting in a seaside cafe, drinking tea. Chinking of glasses, muffled conversations. Biscuit crumbs falling onto T-shirt. Milk¶s a little off. Pain in the shoulder. And all Life is here. What unadulterated perfection« what stunning i mperfection. Who is waiting at the bus stop for the Enlightenment Bus? A non-existent bus that never arrives (and even if it does, it only brings you back to where you already are). Simply read the sign: ³BUS NOT IN SERVICE´« and the waiting ends. In the face of the miracle, your story simply melts. Faced with everything, you are the open space holding it all, lovingly, without question. What crushing humility. You thought you were so important ± in fact you were equal to a chair. Sorry, no room for specialness here. All that¶s left is gratitude for each and every single thing. In this dream, dreamt up by no-one at all. So goodnight, sweet dreamer. In the end, you cannot talk about nonduality as separate from duality, so you cannot talk about nonduality at all. The absence of the seeker appears as the seeker, seeking his own absence«. The duelling non-dualists: ³YOU are stuck in identification!´ ³No, YOU are stuck in identification!´ Walking around the Imperial War Museum with my dear, elderly dad, and there is only this. Stories or no stories, past or no past, there is a love here that cannot be named. I am the open space, the vastness in which all of this appears, and all of this appears as that same vastness. Jesus said µI and the father are One¶, and yes, yes, it¶s true. Many people are waiting for a future µenergetic shift¶ to end their seeking. But this very waiting IS the seeking that the µenergetic shift¶ is supposed to eventually destroy. The gap between µnow¶ and µthe shift¶ is time, which IS the seeker. In other words, the seeker waits for a µshift¶ in order to stay alive. What an ingenious ploy, by no-one! ³I have no ego´ ± is this the ultimate claim of the ego? ³I love you´. What are you in love with? A conditioned, time-bound image of me? Sacrifice the image ± discover a love that cannot die. There is no such thing as a teaching free of hidden assumptions. Including this one.
Emptiness and form are not two. Everything melts into everything else. Everything melts into THIS. And THIS is Home. Forever, always, Home. Has there ever been anyone here separate from all of this? Was there ever a seeker? There is only the question, which melts away too«. leaving only«. It all ends here: Sitting, breathing, sounds happening, feelings in the body happening. Television buzzing. Cat screeching outside. Just the simple, present appearance of life itself. Just life, as it is. Yes, here is where it ends. And here is where it all begins. The ending IS the beginning, the beginning IS the ending. And so in the end, all there is, is simplicity, friendship, and laughter. And even that is saying too much. So it all fades back into the silence«. Am I a teacher? Perhaps, perhaps not. It doesn¶t matter in the end. In the end, I can only be a friend, reminding you of what you already know. I am what you are. This ± this is you, reminding yourself, as if you needed to be reminded, of what you already are. Beyond the teacher-student and guru-disciple dream roles and relationships, there is only unconditional love, beyond the concept of it ± and You Are That. When speaking of THIS, all language is temporary. Words appear to be needed until it¶s seen that words are not needed«. and were never needed. This is the dance«. In the falling-away of time and effort, which is the seeing-through of time and effort, the timeless and effortless presence that you are in your essence reveals itself ± and in that revelation, what is seen is that THIS was never for one moment absent. What is present is always present. Unconditional love cannot be reached through time and effort« it is simply there at the foundation of what you call your µexperience¶, waiting to be uncovered, discovered, met by nobody. Life is a bonfire, burning up all concepts about life. Nothing can be said about this burning, because even the attempt to talk about the burning burns up in this! And yet, words continue to come, and life continues to unfold, and it¶s quite clear that we are not in control of this astonishing dream world, and that we are constantly being embraced by Oneness, in each and every moment« What you are (beyond the story) is identical with what life is (beyond the story). They are not two separate movements. There is only One« Unconditional love is so radically unconditional, it ± ultimately ± even embraces what we call conditional love« Does Nonduality mean µNot Duality¶? ± The Metaphor of the Wave and the Ocean
Many people believe that the µindividual self¶ is what they really are, and they ignore th e space, the openness, the vast ocean of Being in which the µindividual¶ arises. They identify exclusively as a µseparate person¶ and never stop to ask if that is what they truly are.
You have taken yourself to be a separate wave in a vast ocean. You see yourself as a little person in a vast ocean full of other people. You see yourself as an individual in a world which is fundamentally separate from you. But of course, the µseparate wave¶ in the ocean is not really µseparate¶ from the ocean at all. The µseparate wave¶ is really just the ocean appearing tem porar il y as a wave. The wave is actually one-hundred percent water, and so in essence, it¶s the same as the ocean. And so really there is no µseparate wave¶ at all. There only appears to be a separate wave. The wave is in appearance only. It is a temporary appearance of the ocean. You ± what you take yourself to be ± the person, the character, the µme¶, only has existence as an appearance, a story appearing now in boundless Being, a story which is ultimately not separate from Being.
Now, some nonduality teachings make it sound like the appearance of the separate person is a problem and we should get rid of it. But who is going to get rid of the wave in the ocean? The wave? How can the wave get rid of itself?
This is one of the traps that people fall into when they identify themselves as being µspiritual seekers¶. They think that they need to get rid of the wave in order to reach the ocean, and there seem to be a lot of spiritual teachers and gurus out there who believe the same thing. Some spiritual teachers implore you to µkill the ego!¶ or µdestroy the mind!¶ or µget rid of the self!¶ and miss the fact that the attempt to kill the ego is that very ego, and the effort to destroy the mind is the mind, and so on« The point is, the wave is already fully ocean. Any attempt to get rid of the wave is the wave attempting to get rid of itself. Years ago, when I was a very serious and intense spiritual seeker, I tried desperately to get rid of Jeff, the character, the person. But this attempt ultimately ended in failure and frustration, because I was trying to get rid of something that wasn¶t actually there! I was fighting an illusion, and when you fight an illusion, you are assuming that the illusion is real. What you fight, you give life to. W hat you re sist, per sist s, as they say. You don¶t need to get rid of an illusion. To expose the illusion as an illusion (literally, to enlighten the illusion) is enough. To expose an illusion is to end it. And so the attempt to destroy the ego, transcend the mind, kill the self, get rid of the µme¶ ± in other words, the spiritual search ± is really just a war with life. It¶s water fighting water. Luckily, my spiritual seeking failed. And in that failure, this other possibility shone through ± a possibility that went beyond seeking and finding, beyond µme¶ getting what µI¶ wanted, beyond my personal desire to become an enlightened non-person. Beyond the seeker and the sought, there was ± and is ± only unconditional love«
Nonduality does not mean µnot-duality¶ ± that would be completely dualistic! In reality, nonduality includes (the appearance of) duality, because it is everything. It is nothing ± nothing ± and it is everything. Ultimately, nonduality appears as duality. They are one and the same. Then you can¶t even speak of µnonduality¶. In other words, the appearance of the separate wave is not a problem for the Ocean . The appearance of your life story is itself a perfect expression of Being. In this unconditional love, nothing is denied.
And so it was never about getting rid of Jeff. It was always about falling in love with Jeff, and through him, everything« This is beyond comprehension, and yet it is as simple as breathing, right now. And these words fall back into the ocean«. IS THE SELF AN µILLUSION¶? DO I µEXIST¶?
It may help to look at what the words µillusion¶ and µexistence¶ actually mean.
illusion mid-14c., ³act of deception,´ from O.Fr. illusion ³a mocking,´ from L. illusionem (nom. illusio) ³a mocking, jesting, irony,´ from illudere ³mock at,´ lit. ³to play with,´ from in³at´ + ludere ³to play´ (see ludicrous). Sense of ³deceptive appearance´ developed in English late 14c.
µIllusion¶ simply means µa play¶ or µdeceptive appearance¶ ± not µnon-existence¶.
The self, the µme¶, is an illusion, not because it doesn¶t exist, but because it doesn¶t exist in the way we imagine it to. You are not what you think you are. The µme¶ seems to be solid and separate ± a µthing¶ at the centre of life, a separate entity running my life ± in the same way that there seems to be a wave separate from the ocean ± but upon investigation, those assumptions crumble. The µillusion¶ is seen through ± the wave is inseparable from the ocean.
Now, it might also help if I were a little more clear about what the word µexistence¶ actually means. In the past I used to use this without realising what it actually meant. It literally means µstand out¶ (ex-sistere).
Does the wave µstand out¶ of the ocean? Yes, it appears to, AND no, it doesn¶t stand out in reality, because it IS the ocean. Depends on the angle from which you¶re answering the question. Both are true, both are not true. The wave appears to exist, AND it does not exist ± it does not exist SEPARATELY from th e ocean. If it has an existence, that existence is inseperable from the whole. (And instead of the word µocean¶, you can use the words consciousness, beingness, aliveness, source, void, wholeness, nothing«..)
If you can¶t handl e parado x, t ime t o g et out of the nondual k itchen!
In the same way, the µself¶ (the story of me) only exists as a story . I never, ever found Jeff outside of a presently-arising story about Jeff. Jeff is not there µlurking¶ in the background ± the story of Jeff appears and disappears as a story.
The story of Jeff does not appear t o Jeff ± that would be another story! The story of Jeff simply appear s.
And where does every story appear? Here, in this wide, clear open space ± awareness, consciousness, Being, Life, doesn¶t really matter what words you use to point here. They¶re just words. Perhaps this is what some are referring to as the space of µno self¶. You could say the story of the self arises and falls in this space pointed to by the words µno self¶. Every story, every thought, every sensation, every form, comes and goes in this open space.
I gave up years ago believing that this could be captured in words. It¶s like trying to capture water in a fishing net. The best we can do is point and know that we are only pointing.
Thoughts, sensations, sounds, do not happen to a µself¶ ± there¶s no evidence for a solid central self whatsoever ± they arise and fall here, as waves appear to do in an ocean. In reality, even what we call µforms¶ are inseparable from this formless openness, this emptiness which is actually totally full. Then we cannot talk of µemptiness¶ or µvoid¶ at all! The Heart Sutra says µForm is Emptiness, Emptiness is Form¶. Langauge fails here, totally. It colla pses.
And all language simply comes and goes in this space. All concepts of self and no self arise and fall away, leaving no trace. All concepts of duality and nonduality, choice and choicelessness, collapse. All we can do, in the end, is use words as pointers. The rest is just arguing over our favourite pointers.
Years ago, I was very certain that there was no self, and tried very hard to convince people that there was no self. I couldn¶t see back then that this constant need to convince others, this sense that I was right and needed to wake others up, WAS the very self I was denying! It¶s absolutely ingenious, this whole game.
Seeing the impossibility of putting this into words, t he total inseparability of what I am from all that appears, the total intimacy with all i mpermanent forms as they arise and fall, brings much lightness and laughter. And we can still carry on debating whether or not there is a self ± there¶s room for that too. There¶s room for everything here! So let¶s play! The only question left is ± what are you defending? Even the certainty that there is no self, and the need to constantly prove that to others, can simply be something else to hold onto. The ego becomes a µspiritualised ego¶ and pretends there is no ego. ³I know there is no self , and I am r ig ht, and you are wr on g« and b y the way, there¶ s no you and no me, and it reall y pisse s me off when you think otherwise. But there¶ s nobod y here bein g pissed off.´ Ingenious. And totally innocent too, by the way. And it¶s all available to be seen for what it is. Always.
It¶s not that I believe any of this ± belief doesn¶t hold up for very long. This inseparability and intimacy is confirmed in every single moment, as everything appears right here, not to Jeff, but to the wide open space that holds the story of Jeff, just as the ocean µholds¶ all of the waves that are, intimately, itself«.
And the µplay¶ goes on« A Prayer for the Dying
Life,
Let them struggle to understand until there is only confusion, and in the centre of that confusion show them their inherent clarity.
Make them courageous by taking away all of their hope, and let them weep until their stomachs hurt, until their tears melt into laughter.
Love them by destroying them.
And when they are more alone than ever, show them an intimacy they cannot imagine.
Make them suffer until they are exhausted from fighting You, make their pain great enough so that all their concepts turn to ash.
Let them never know what they are looking for, but make them keep looking anyway, as if their lives depended on it.
Give them time to read their books and listen to their teachers, give them time to build up mountains of knowledge, give them certainty and pride and a sense of security.
And then let their books rot, and turn their teachers into hypocrites, and make them doubt and forget everything they¶ve learned.
Everything.
And make them stand alone, facing You, naked and without protection, and let them tremble, let them piss and shit themselves with fear, let all facades fall a way.
And then let them into the great secret, that they are loved beyond words, in their nakedness, in their failure, in their ignorance, in everything they were running away from.
That they are you. That your face is their face.
That nothing ever happened at all. POETRY
THE FULLNESS OF THINGS
we will sit for hours together and let the scenery of life break our hearts into millions of tiny little pieces.
and then we will watch, astonished, as in the space between two heartbeats, the very same scenery fuses those pieces back together again.
as if we¶d been kissed by life.
and then we will go for a coffee, or do the dishes, or pick up the kids from school,
or dance in celebration of the fullness of things,
our hearts pregnant with bittersweet mystery.
HEARTBREAK
Life is here to break your heart over and over again until you realise that heartbreak is life too. And then your heart can no longer be broken. Or fixed.
And you stand naked in front of life, moment by moment, knowing that whatever happens is totally okay even in the midst of perfect devastation, which, of course, is devastating perfection. This is freedom beyond the speaking of it.
THIS STRANGE PLACE
Can we meet beyond the story of us, in the place beyond expectations, and hold each other there?
Can we meet beyond the dream of tomorrow, and rediscover what is here today, so that today becomes tomorrow, effortlessly?
Haven¶t we always been meeting like this, here at the edge of the world, where everything is possible?
This strange place seems so familiar. LIFE AS IT IS, SEEN WITH BRAND NEW EYES
µNonduality¶ simply means ³not two´. It is a word which points to the non-existence of separation.
In reality, there are no separate µobjects¶ or µindividuals¶. No µinside¶ separate from µoutside¶. No µme¶ separate from µyou¶. No µseeker¶ separate from what is sought. There is only Life, appearing as everything. Only Oneness, playing the game of being a world. Only nothing, dancing as everything. There is no µperson¶ in control of life. Nobody there pulling the strings. No µindividual¶ separate from the whole. No wave separate from the ocean. There is nothing to find, because nothing has ever been lost. Right here and right now, THIS is already the wholeness you seek. And beyond thought, beyond time, you have always known this. Life Without A Centre is life ± as it is seen with brand new eyes. COMING HOME
This is timeless, deathless, eternal. This is without equal, this is never-to-be-repeated, this is utterly unique and t otally new, in each and every moment, although there are no ³moments´ at all. This is empty of all qualities, even the quality of being empty of all qualities. And yet, this is totally full, pregnant with infinite possibility, possibility that overflows again and again into a world. This is peace, but it is a volcanic peace, a peace which does not deny noise but embraces it fully, a peace which does not rest, an ecstatic peace that throws itself out of itself now, now and now. This is completely unknowable, and yet it is filled with the knowledge of things, filled with an apparent world ³out there´, in its infinite guises. This is something that cannot be spoken of by anyone, and yet words are thrown out, day after day after day. This is not of this world, and yet it is nothing but this world. This is completely extraordinary, and yet it is as simple and as obvious as the sound of the rain splish-splashing on your rooftop. Splish! Splash!
This is a wide open space, with enough room for an entire world, pulsating with a radical and unconditional love that will never be grasped by a mind locked in the search for something more. This is simple, obvious, ordinary. This is what everybody is seeking, but nobody can find. And nobody can find this precisely because the one who searches for this is exactly that which apparently obscures this (although this can never be obscured, because it already includes any idea of a somebody who would want something more). This is Jesus dying on the cross. This is the Buddha seeing through all confusion. This is the world falling away when two lovers embrace. This is a mother cradling her newborn child. This is watching an old man waddling down the pavement, and seeing only yourself. This is your heart breaking at the sight of an old woman, her shopping bags full of groceries, struggling to cross a busy road, and finding yourself, without hesitation, rushing over to help her, because you have no choice, and you never did have any choice. And this is realising, at long last, that choice is illusion, that you were never for one moment separate from this thing we call ³life´, that we were never for one moment separate from each other; that no man is an island, that we affect each other in more profound ways than the mind could ever hope to grasp.
THE BALLOON (Nonduality in a Nutshell)
We think that freedom consists in having what we want. In reality, freedom is a kind of loss. As Jesus said, you have to lose your life to save it. When there is no longer any ownership of life, no longer anyone there who is trying to possess any aspect of experience, life is no longer something to be feared and rejected, but something to be loved and celebrated. Imagine this:
A balloon, filled with air, floats in an infinite sea of air.
And the balloon says to itself, ³I¶m an individual. I live in a world full of individuals. A world of me and mine: my thoughts, my memories, my beliefs, my achievements, my successes, my failures, my past, my future, my relationships. I own a little piece of the whole, a little piece of life. This is my little part of everything.´ What the balloon fears most is its own popping ± in other words, its own death ± because it sees this as the ultimate loss of µme and mine¶. In other words, death is the loss of µmy little part of everything¶. The end of µmy life¶. What the balloon cannot see is that death is liberation. Upon death, µmy little part of everything¶ simply explodes back into everything. µMy life¶ dissolves back into life itself. And what is seen is that µmy life¶ was always an illusion, because there was never anyone there separate from everything! There was only ever everything! The balloon never µhad¶ anything to begin with, and so could never µlose¶ anything. Upon death, nothing is lost. And this seeing can happen upon what we call physical death, or it can happen now. Die before you die, and there is no death.
The mind will never be able to comprehend what I am talking about. But somewhere beyond the mind, somewhere beyond thought, somewhere beyond the stories we tell about life, there can be a recognition, a resonance, a knowing. And that¶s what this message is really about: a recognition that¶s totally beyond mind. You are perfect as you are ± even in your imperfection. Life is perfect as it is, even if you cannot see that yet. This is a journey into your own absence, an absence which finally rev eals itself as the perfect presence of everything, as the Home you¶ve always been seeking, and what will be found is this: You wrote these words yourself, to remind yourself of what, deep down, you have always known. ³BEING OPEN TO LIFE« NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS«´
We spend our lives seeking wealth, love, success, approval, and even µspiritual enlightenment¶ in the future. Yet right at the heart of life there is an intimacy, a simplicity, a vast spaciousness that is totally beyond words ± and which cannot be reached through any effort of ours. In our exhausting attempts to change, to improve ourselves, to become µperfect¶ or µenlightened¶, or perfectly enlightened, we end up ignoring this wordless inti macy which exists here and now ± an intimacy which is really our true home, and the end of our seeking. We try so hard to be open to life, to open up to every experience, only to discover who we really are: Being, already fully open to life, already fully open to every experience.
What we are ± Being ± is already the openness we seek.
In a way, these four words summarise the entire spiritual search, and the end of that search:
B E ING: OP E N TO LIF E THE MYTH OF ENLIGHTENMENT
The end of seeking is seeing life as it is, beyond the story, which always happens now. The end of seeking is identical with the presence that you already are, the presence in which all thought-constructed narratives about µseeking¶ and a projected µ end of seeking¶ appear. Seeing life as it is, is identical with the seein g thr oug h of this presently-arising seeking illusion (which we call the seeker). The end of seeking is not in the future ± it is right here in the present seein g -thr oug h of the seeker, which is the seein g -thr oug h of time itself. The seeker is time. The seeing-through of time ± and the seeker ± is not itself in time. It is not a µspecial event¶. It is right here, in and as this presence. It is most ordinary. And in that ordinariness, extraordinary. The seeker doesn¶t do this seeing. It is the seeker who is seen. ³By WHOM´? There is only that question, and it too is seen. You don¶t need a µspecial event¶ to for this to be the case. It is already the case ± that is the point . * No future µevent¶ ± no µenergetic shift¶ event, µcollapse into boundlessness¶ event, µpopping¶ event, or µfinal falling-away of the me¶ event ± is required to make seeking disappear and freedom appear. Because freedom never went away. If it did, it wasn¶t freedom. Some Advaita teachers say ³well okay, it¶s not a personal event for somebod y, it¶s a nonevent for nobod y³. I see their point. But you have to be very careful here. Because however you word it, this statement seems to promote the idea that s omething ha s to happen before there can be freedom. And apparently, after this µhappening/non-happening¶, you¶ll be liberated. Or µthere will be liberation¶. For µno-one¶. But however you reword, rephrase, and repackage it, it¶s the promise of something in the future. It¶s the old enlightenment myth updated and repackaged for a modern audience.
In the same breath, of course, these teachers will say µThere is no future. I am not promising you anything. There is nothing on offer here. Already there is only Oneness.´ Of course, in the end, it doesn¶t matter what these teachers say. Ultimately, it¶s what you hear. * So, do you need this µhappening¶ to be free? Is there a µbefore¶ and µafter¶ liberation? Is an µevent¶ necessary? The answer is very simple, if you are open, and are prepared to drop all of your previous conclusions. Any kind of µhappening¶ requires t ime. µBefore¶ and µafter¶ require t ime. Playing with language and repackaging the µevent for somebody¶ as a µnon-event for nobody¶ is simply another way to keep the seeker hanging on, and therefore trapped in time. It¶s saying the same thing in different words. It ends up deepening the mystification, rather than communicating clarity. Because now, instead of looking for an event for someone, the seeker begins waiting for a non-event for no-one! This very µwaiting¶ IS the seeker. Ingenious!
The µfuture event¶ is a promise made by teachers to students, in order to keep the students coming back for more. The students hang on in there, hoping their µshift¶ will come soon. No doubt, this manipulation is done in total innocence. Nobody is at fault here. I doubt anybody is intentionally trying to mislead anyone else. No doubt, t hese teachers truly believe that they have undergone a shift. And you haven¶t . One requires the other, you see. If they have something, they need you not to have it. That¶s how duality works. It is ingeniously balanced. These post-shifters (to coin a phrase!) see themselves as fundamentally different from you ± that¶s what it really comes down to. They say things like µthe shift has happened here, but it hasn¶t happened there¶. What is this but deep separation? Surely the shift was supposed to end all that? Let¶s be clear: all events, all experiences, come and go. They have a beginning and an end ± they arise and pass, leaving no trace. What is left when all µenergetic shifts¶ and µspiritual awakenings¶ and µexperiences of Oneness¶ and µpoppings¶ have come and gone? What is left when there is nobody here clinging on to past experiences and using those to separate µme¶ from µyou¶? What is left when there is nobody there claming to have µpopped¶? Or believing that they ± personally ± have undergone some sort of transformation?
What is left when this very personal story of a past fades away and becomes irrelevant? What is left then, but true nakedness? Beyond the roles, beyond the stories (subtle and not-sosubtle) that we use to separate the µme¶ from the µyou¶, is there not a wordless intimacy here? An intimacy that was never born and cannot die? An intimacy that requires no future to be? What is left, then, beyond all separation? There is only this, complete in itself, lacking nothing, and therefore seeking nothing. It what you already are, and in seeking it, you experience its loss. Although it can never be lost, because it is right there even in the experience of its loss. It is pure intimacy, beyond description. It is boundless and free. * And so, in the end, I could easily tell the story that I have undergone some sort of transformation. That I have awakened to my true nature, that an energetic shift has happened here, that I¶ve µpopped¶ and the µme¶ has fallen away. I could tell all of those stories. But who would tell those stories? And for what purpose? To be a µteacher¶? To be an µauthority¶ on nonduality? To be a µspecial, enlightened being¶. No, I have no interest in that anymore. Undeniably, something has changed here. Something is different. These days, life is light. Simple. Without the seeking, there is nothing missing. There is only fascination, intimacy, love. Gratitude. Only life happening, in its richness and wonder. But I ¶ m not tal ki n g about J e ff. I ¶ m tal ki n g about lif e. Years ago, like those Advaita teachers, yes, I pr obably would have said things like µan energetic shift has happened here but it hasn¶t happened there¶, or µliberation has happened for no-one¶, or µthere is nobody here but I sense there is still somebody there¶. I just can¶t say these things anymore. The assumption at the foundation of these statements was seen through, and the statements shattered into millions of tiny little pieces. In the end, you can¶t even know that you¶re nobody. Even that story, however beautiful, has to go. Perhaps that¶s the true µenergetic shift¶: when the ill usion of the µenergetic shift¶ is seen through. But my goodness, how much longer will it take to see it? Isn¶t now long enough? Another way of sayin g it : the shift has already happened, so there¶s nothing to wait for. Life is already complete, as it is, and everything is already included. Do you see?
WHAT ARE µYOU¶ WAITING FOR?
Many µspiritual seekers¶ seem to be waiting for µthe end of separation¶. They believe that one day a µspecial event¶ will happen to them, and separation will fall away. They call this special event µenlightenment¶, or µspiritual awakening¶, or they say things like µwell, it¶s not enlightenment or awakening, but it¶s an energetic shift from contraction into boundlessness«.¶ Or they call it a µnon-happening¶ or a µnon-event¶ for µnobody¶. Or they call it µgrace¶. But essentially these are all different ways of saying the same thing: They see freedom as an event, in time. They see freedom as something that µhappens¶.
All events, all shifts, are in time. Because without time and space there is no world in which to have any sort of shift or event. So, people are waiting for separation to fall away«. but essentially they are waiting for time itself to fall away, aren¶t they? Because separation IS time.
When, exactly, will time disappear? Will this disappearance happen in time? How can time disappear, in time? How can µthe end of time¶ be a happening? Or an event? For somebody OR for nobody?
Surely the end of time is HERE, NOW. Surely the end of time is LIFE AS IT IS?
Because in life as it is, isn¶t time just a concept?
How long will it take for the concept of time to disappear?
The enlightenment myth crumbles to the ground when it is seen that time is just a concept.
And so you don¶t need a special µevent¶ or µshift¶ or µtransformation¶ to be free, no matter what your favourite teacher or guru believes. Maybe freedom is right here, right now, beyond time, beyond belief or lack of it. Maybe in waiting for enlightenment, or spiritual awakening, or an energetic shift or transformation of consciousness, we end up missing what¶s here now, and continue to solidify our identities as seekers. Maybe waiting is seeking.
In waiting for grace, we miss grace. The grace of each ordinary, timeless moment, as it is. What silly, adorable games we play, in our pursuit of freedom« this«
I am talking to a woman. She is telling me about a passion of hers. Her dream is that one day she will own and run a small hotel, a bed and breakfast by the sea. I notice that her eyes begin to well up with tears as she relates her dream to me. And then I notice that these eyes start to well up with tears too. It¶s like what¶s happening there is being mirrored here. Because there is nothing to get in the way, what is left here is just a total openness to others, just an open space which welcomes everything that appears. Her eyes well up, my eyes well up, what¶s the difference? When there is nobody here, there is nothing to block µyou¶ out. Because there is no µme¶, there is no separate µyou¶ either. There are just voices, faces, the welling up of tears, or not. Just what¶s happening. What¶s happening fills all space. As that woman relates her story to me, I become her. I long to own a little bed and breakfast by the sea. It is my heart¶s true desire. I feel the passion deep within my bones, and the tears come. I¶m watching television. It¶s a game show. A man has just won a large sum of money. He says
he is going to use it to take his family on holiday. They¶ve never been on holiday before. The man laughs and shouts and weeps with joy. This laughs and shouts and weeps with joy. There is nothing to separate us. Oh, my family will be so happy when they find out! Images of famine on the television. A young Somalian girl, all skin and bone, with hollowed out eyes and sticks for arms, gazes into the camera. There is nothing to block that poor child out. I am the child. I am gazing at myself. She enters me, and everything heals itself. I am on the train. A large bald-headed man starts to shout at me for no reason. I think he is drunk. He shakes his fists. His face is red with anger. I am the man. I feel the anger, the violence, and underneath it, the anxiety, the fear, the contraction that goes along with being a separate person. I have been this man. I am this man now. He is myself, coming to meet me on the 12.23 to Brighton. And then the woman stops talking about her bed and breakfast dreams, and the tears are wiped out. There is no memory of them. Everything is wiped clean, and it begins again. The game show ends, and I change channels on the television, and it¶s now a shopping channel, and the laughter and joy and money and family are wiped out, and now there is only fascination with item number 176387, what beaut iful colour s! It becomes absorbed in the shopping channel, and the game show vanishes without a trace. The game show might have happened a million years ago for all I care: this replaces everything. The doorbell rings and I walk away from the image of the starving child. It¶s my friend at the door. The starving child is wiped out, and my friend replaces her. The beauty of this is that it¶s everything and it¶s nothing. It¶s no particular thing. One thing replaces another, and there¶s no way of knowing what¶s coming next. Friend replaces dying child, brother replaces friend, shopkeeper replaces brother, cat replaces shopkeeper. It emerges out of the Unknown, innocently, playfully, ceaselessly. I walk away from the angry man. The anger disappears immediately. It¶s like it never happened. Something else takes its place. And then something else. And then something else. There¶s enough space here for an entire world. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, laughter, tears. Everything is welcome here. I have no way of blocking life out anymore. Because there is nobody here, there is only raw, unedited, uncensored, unfiltered experience. And you can¶t even call it an µexperience¶: there¶s nobody here to experience anything. There¶s just this, happening to no-one. Nobody sheds tears, nobody senses anger, nobody watches television. But it¶s not an empty void. It¶s a space that¶s constantly filled by life. By the woman who wants the bed and breakfast by the sea, by the starving child, by my friend at the door. You provide the solidity that I lack. The story of time and space is dead here, but you keep it going for me. There¶s nobody here, but then you enter the picture, and suddenly µthere is nobody here¶ is ± like any concept ± not true. When you are not, what else is there but to be all that is? When the witness collapses into everything that¶s witnessed, when awareness collapses into its contents, all that remains is a deep and total fascination with whatever is happening.
WELCOME HOME
No teachers, no students. No awakened beings, no unawakened beings. No path nor absence of a path. No gurus, no disciples. Simply life making love to itself, dancing as all of this, appearing as something we call µworld¶, as all t hat you see and all that you cannot see, a rising and falling back into the barest emptiness, timelessly and forever« And the emptiness is not a cold, dark, empty emptiness ± but a rich, full, alive emptiness, pregnant with infinite possibility, saturated with this« incom prehen sibl e intimacy that should, by all accounts, be impossible ± and yet, undeniably, is. Nothing is not nothin g , not the absence of all things, but also the presence of them, so that nothing is really everythin g «. and so it all ends not in nihilism, but in wonder, in fascination, in the kind of gratitude that breaks your heart. Yes, all that is left is a radical si mplicity that cannot be taught, cannot be formulated, reified, systematized, and ultimately cannot even be named ± but still, it is all there is, and all there has ever been, and all there needs to be, because only a separate mind would ever want more. It¶s right here and right now. It¶s there in and as the cup of coffee on the table in front of you, in each and every breath, in the wrinkles on your father¶s face, in the feeling of the wind on your cheeks as you walk to the supermarket, in the pain in the chest as the body dies ± and you¶ve been seeking it your entire life without knowing it. It¶s beyond µawareness¶ and µcontents of awareness¶ ± it¶s not pure consciousness (a blank space devoid of the personal) because blankness needs content to be known and experienced as blankness, just as emptiness needs form to be known and experienced as emptiness and vice versa ± it¶s not the witness behind the world because it¶s also the world in its entirety which nothing can separate itself from in the first place and call itself a µwitness¶ ± it¶s not Absolute as opposed to relative or vice versa because that very division never existed in the first place ± it¶s not µnobody here¶ or µthere is no me¶, although those very personal viewpoints are allowed to arise and fall away naturally ± it¶s not µadvaita¶ as opposed to µneoadvaita¶ or µneo-advaita¶ as opposed to µadvaita¶ but it allows these man-made divisions to play themselves out ± it¶s not opposed to anything because it is everything including all opposition, even opposition to opposition ± it¶s not mine or yours but it does not deny the possibility of mine and yours and relationship between them ± it¶s not pure absence as opposed to presence or vice versa, but those concepts are allowed to arise too ± it¶s not a teaching, but perhaps, and only perhaps, it can formulate itself as a self-destructing teaching, a kind of teaching which annihilates itself in the end, a temporary language which has no authority but that which you give it, and in the end (and there is no end), has no authority at all. Because in the end (which is the beginning), life is the only authority, and all the teachings of the world burn up in the fire of unbounded freedom. When you try to put this into words, you always fail. Thank goodness it doesn¶t need to be put into words.
And so, once again, beyond words or lack of them, welcome Home to what you really are. THE ADVAITA TRAP - A One-Act Play
You may watch this pl ay in cart oon for m on YouTube!
A and B are walking together in their local park. It is a beautiful sunny day.
A: ³Hey, look over there. Do you see it? What a beautiful tree!´ B: ³STOP RIGHT THERE! There is no µtree¶! There is no µbeauty¶! Both µtree¶ and µbeauty¶ are merely concepts appearing in space-like, ever present awareness! Don¶t settle for mere concepts, A! Don¶t buy into the ignorance of the mind! End seeking once and for all, here and now! All words are merely pointers! Discard the pointers!´ A: ³Er«. yeah. Of course. I get that. I was just saying«´ B:´STOP! There is no µI¶ to µget¶ anything! And nothing to get! And no µsaying¶!´ A: ³Yes. I know. I SEE that.´ B:´WHO sees that? WHAT is there to see? WHO sees WHAT? There is nobody there seeing! Ask yourself the question µWHO SEES¶?! There is only clear, space-like seeing with no person doing anything! There is no duality! There is only non-duality! Duality is an illusion! Only non-duality is real!´ A: ³I was just saying«.´ B:´WHO was saying? WHAT is there to say? And to WHOM?´ [Pause] A: ³Look, are you going to let me speak at all?´ B:´WHO would let WHO speak?«´ A: ³Jesus, B, I knew you were going to say that! You know, you¶ve become so predictable since you got into this Advaita stuff. Look, all I wanted to say is that the tree over there is« lovely. Beautiful. NICE. And yes, I know that ultimately t hose are just concepts, and the word is not the thing, and there is no separate µtree¶, blah blah blah. But can¶t I just say that it¶s a beautiful tree? Am I allowed to say it? I mean, come on, it¶s beautiful, don¶t you think it is?´
B:´No! There is NOBODY HERE who thinks! You are lost in a world of ignorance! You have not yet woken up to your true nature!´ A: ³Wow. Okay, okay, you seem pretty worked up about this«.´ B:´No! There is NOBODY HERE getting µworked up¶! µWorked up¶ is merely a conceptual overlay appearing in awareness! It is all simply your perception, a projection of your own ignorance. There is still the belief that you are a time-bound self«´ A: ³Okay! Okay! Whatever, B. I give up. I just thought it was a nice tree. I wanted to share something with you. I don¶t know. Just to share something. Something.. beautiful. That¶s all. No more, no less. If you don¶t like that, fine. I give up«´ B:´You¶re referring to the past! There is NO past! Only the eternal present! Only NOW!´ [Pause]. A: ³B, can I be honest with you? Since you¶ve, well, in your own words, µrecognised your true nature¶, all the joy seems to have gone out of you. I¶m sure you¶ve found some clarity in one way or another, but it¶s almost like you¶ve lost the ability to, well, relate as a human being to me. You always seem to feel the need to shoot everything and everyone down, even when they haven¶t actually asked for your help or advice. It¶s like you always need to play the teacher. You¶re trying to teach me when I don¶t need to be taught.´ B:´That¶s what the seeker always says! But the seeker¶s ignorance must be destroyed with the machine gun of Truth!´ A: ³See? There you go again! I¶m trying to talk to you in a down-to-earth, ordinary human way, just as a friend, not asking for help but sharing, and it¶s like just can¶t HEAR that anymore. What¶s happened to you?´ B:´There is no person here! Do away with this ignorance that I am a person and that you are a person, and be free!´ A: ³As I said, you¶re no fun anymore. There used to be a time when I could talk about the beauty of trees. We talked, and it was fun, enjoyable, and totally innocent. Now I feel like it¶s wrong. Like you see it as wrong. Like it¶s not allowed in your non-duality« system. Like if I¶m not using the same language as you, if I¶m not saying the things in the same way as you do, you get on your high horse and start preaching. And get angry. And nobody enjoys being around an angry preacher. And even worse, an angry preacher who then denies that they are angry and that they are preaching!´ B:´Ah, your feelings are hurt! Poor little hurt ego! A sure sign you are stuck in ignorance! If, like me, you had completely recognised your true nature, there would be no hurt! Getting hurt is a sign of WEAKNESS, which is ego! Stop being a baby! Drop the hurt little ego and SEE! Be fearless like ME! Stop complaining, don¶t take it all so personally! Remember, m y pointer s are im per sonal ! ´ A: ³B, listen to what I¶m saying. I¶m not saying my ego is hurt. I¶m not saying I¶m seeking. I¶m not saying I need a teacher. Listen to what I¶m saying. I¶m saying that you seem joyless
and angry to me these days. It¶s like you feel the need to teach me all the time, when I haven¶t asked for a teacher, and I don¶t need one. I was just saying that it¶s a beautiful tree, it¶s such a simple thing, and you can¶t seem to hear that anymore. What¶s happened to you? I thought seeing your true nature was supposed to bring freedom? And simplicity? But it seems that you¶re angrier and more arrogant than ever. Can you hear what I¶m saying, B? As a friend to a friend, can you hear it?´ B:´NOBODY hears!´ A:´Good grief. µIt¶s a beautiful tree¶. S o simple. Can you not hear that anymore?´ B: ³NOBODY hears! NOBODY¶S here! Nobody! Nothing! No-one!!´ A: ³I know, B, I know! You say that about ten thousand times a day. Nobody here. Pure awareness. Everything¶s a concept. The illusion of duality. I get it. I see this nonduality thing. I see the truth in those pointers. I see that I am totally free and unbound. I see the miracle of life. But I never, ever feel the need to talk about it. I never feel the need to convert anyone. I never feel the need to teach or preach. I feel free to just live an ordinary life. I feel so free, that I even feel free to say µit¶s a beautiful tree¶! Yes, for me, that¶s part of the freedom. The freedom to say ordinary things in an ordinary way! The freedom to use words like µI¶ and µme¶ and µtree¶, the freedom to talk about time and space, although in an ultimate sense they are only concepts. Still, there cannot be anything wrong with saying those words, can there? There cannot be anything wrong with anything, can there? Yes, I get it, I really do, there is nobody here, there¶s no tree and no beauty, in an absolute sense, I GET IT, but still, IT¶S A BEAUTIFUL TREE! C an¶t that be a s tr ue a s it s o pposite? I n the end , can¶t µ tree¶ and µ not tree¶ be« equal ?´ B:´If you say µI get it¶, there is the assumption that there is somebody there who gets it«´ A: [Sighs] ³You know what? I¶m leaving. I hate to say it, but you¶re no fun to be around anymore, B. You used to laugh. You used to take things lightly. You used to enjoy walking in nature. WE used to enjoy walking in nature. Together. Looking at these trees. Chatting like equals. It never used to be a problem. These days, it feels like a problem when you¶re around. I don¶t feel that we¶re equals anymore. It¶s like you see everybody as beneath you. You see everybody as desperate seekers, while you are the only one who is free. Can¶t you see, that¶s a huge projection on YOUR part?´ B: ³There is no projection, only space-like awareness. Anything you say is YOUR projection.´ A: ³Okay. Goodbye B. Sorry, but I¶m going. Enjoy your space-like awareness. On your own.´ [Walks off] B: ³Fine! FINE! Walk off! See if I care! WHO cares? WHO CARES? There¶s nobody here who cares! See how carefree I am! NOBODY CARES! Nothing and nobody to care about! It¶s all YOUR projection! Your suffering is your problem, not mine! There are no problems in this eternal presence! You are still lost in separateness! I can¶t help you! But THERE IS NO SUFFERING HERE!´
[Pause] B: ³Only few will hear this message! Most people will walk away! You¶re not the only one! Many others have walked away too! This will never, ever be a popular message! I am here to destroy your seeking, not to comfort you! From the beginning of time only few have truly heard this! People are simply not ready to confront their true nature! All those egos run a mile when confronted with my clarity! They are all afraid of this teaching! Afraid to hear the truth! Afraid to no longer be joyless, lonely seekers! Afraid to let go of all their concepts and come to deep, permanent rest in spacious awareness! Afraid to be free and peaceful, like me! Afraid of my br utal , uncom pr omisin g love!´ B stands alone, for a long while, looking at the tree. B (secretly thinking to himself): My good ne ss , what a beaut iful tree«
[Based on a true story! Yes, I used to be B!]
A SHORT NOTE ON SUFFERING
We try to escape from suffering, without asking ourselves what the word µsuffering¶ really means. For example: Extreme fear ± is it suffering? Well, when you¶re about to jump out of a plane for a skydive, extreme fear may arise ± but it¶s part of the excitement, it¶s part of the experience, it¶s just there. The fear is there ± and then you jump. Where is the suffering? There can be fear, even extreme fear, and no suffering, can¶t there? The following week, you¶re sitting at home, sitting on your sofa ± and extreme fear arises. It¶s the same fear, but in a different context. It feels like it shouldn¶t be there. It lingers. You try and get rid of it but it won¶t go away. You try and distract yourself from it, but it remains. You really don¶t want it to be there ± it¶s uncomfortable! So you call up a friend and say µI¶m suffering with fear¶. You ask for help. You want a way out. It feels like the fear is happening µto¶ you. It feels like some strange, alien force that has µovertaken¶ you. What has happened? It¶s clear that something has identified with fear. S omething has taken owner shi p of fear. Something says ³this is my fear ± I am afraid.´ And then something has begun to seek the absence of fear. The fear has become a problem. The fear has turned into a problem ± and a problem needs a solution. This is the very definition of seeking. To seek a solution to something that we only a ssume is a problem. But the fear is the same fear as the fear during the skydive. The fear hasn¶t changed ± the story has changed, that¶s all. Ownership has happened ± which is identification. A story has wrapped itself around fear. A story of somebody who is afraid, and somebody who one day will no longer be afraid. Time has come into the picture. * ³How do I find freedom from suffering?´ is the wrong question.
A better question: ³ what is suffering?´ ± and ³ who suffers?´ ± and perhaps these questions are really the same question. In other words, what don¶t you want to feel?
What don¶t you want to experience? If fear appears, is there an attempt to escape it? That attempt, perhaps we could call µsuffering¶. But there can be fear, and no suffering. There can be pain, and no suffering. There can be sadness, and no suffering. It¶s not really about ³getting rid of suffering´ and moving into some transcendent place ± that¶s the spiritual search which ultimately leads to denial, detachment and despair ± although you might have some pleasant experiences along the way. But all experiences pass« It¶s about seeing suffering for what it is.
Then there is no need ± or even any desire ± to get rid of suffering. Why would you get rid of something that doesn¶t exist? W hat is wr on g with pain? W hat is wr on g with sad ne ss? W hat is wr on g with f ear? What is wrong with feeling exactly what you feel? What is wrong with life as it is? Forget the attempt to escape suffering. Suffer fully ± a nd suffering evaporates. Why? Because there is nobody there separate from what you call µsuffering¶. There never was. It¶s a paradox when you talk about it ± and yet when you discover this secret it¶s the most obvious thing of all, and there is no paradox, there is just life appearing, in its fullness. The Advaita concept ³ THERE IS NOBODY HERE WHO SUFFERS! THERE IS NO SUFFERING! ´ doesn¶t even begin to capture the richness of human experience and the possible beauty in suffering. Although in an ultimate sense it might be true, nobody lives in µan ultimate sense¶ ± and if they think they do, I wonder what sort of denial is going on. When suffering is understood and therefore loved, there is no need to deny it in this way ± all human experience is embraced in this seeing« and that¶s really the end of seeking, now, now and now. The end of seeking, right at the heart of this human experience. No need for any talk of the µimpersonal¶ ± the appearance of the personal contains all the grace that¶s needed. All Advaita/Nondual concepts dissolve into the clarity of life itself. That¶s true freedom, I feel. You don¶t need t o suff er one ounce more or l e ss than you al read y do. Within present suffering there is the spaciousness you crave ± always. But only if you are willing to look life in the face. Life holds nothing back. Why do we hold back from life? Words, eh?
NONDUALITY AND NIHILSM: Why ³No Person, No Past, No Path, No Me, No You´ Is Only Half The Story
³I n the be ginnin g , tree s were tree s , mountain s were mountain s , and r iver s were r iver s. T hen came a t ime when tree s were no lon g er tree s , mountain s were no lon g er mountain s , and r iver s were no lon g er r iver s. Now, tree s are once a g ain tree s , mountain s are once a g ain mountain s , and r iver s are once a g ain r iver s.´ ± Z en sayin g
People sometimes tell me that they think this message is nihilistic. That it¶s life-denying, that it separates the ³absolute´ from the ³relative´, emphasises the absolute and denies the relative. Then again, there are many people who read my books and see that what I¶m really talking about is unconditional love and unity and the end of all seeking. Anyway, I¶m fascinated by the varying responses. Sometimes the interpretations of what I write (or more correctly, what gets written!) do not at all match what is being communicated. Somebody recently hit the nail on the head when they suggested that upon hearing and believing the words ³there is nothing to get´, someone might just go and commit suicide because life was pointless. It¶s possible that the words could be taken that way. And at the same time, that would be to absolutely miss what the words are getting at. Violence ± of any sort ± is not being condoned here. The books were written as a confession of what is seen clearly over here: right here, right now, this is the miracle, the divine Mystery. And yes, of course, those are just words, they don¶t come close to it at all. When I say things like ³I am That´ or ³everything is God´, of course we¶re back into duality again (inside vs. outside, this vs. that, God vs. not-God). It¶s unavoidable when using language. What those words are really trying to point to is the ineffable isness that is this « totally and completely and utterly beyond words. The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao. Over here, there is a knowing that not a single word Jeff writes or says about this could ever be true. The wonder of this, the aliveness of what¶s happening, cannot be spoken of« and yet still, as I always say, why not try. The Tao that can be named is not the eternal Name, but that doesn¶t stop you from writing the Tao Te Ching. When the why goes, all you¶re left with is the why not, and that¶s the freedom in this expression. Let me tell you a little story. In the beginning, trees were trees, mountains were mountains, and rivers were rivers. Then, after years of all sorts of mind-blowing spiritual experiences, thinking that I was God, that everything was Buddha, etc, there was, finally, a falling-away of all of those concepts, of every concept known to man. Finally, after a lifetime of words, there
were no more words. No more words for this. What was seen is that everything is One (and yes, of course, not even that, because ³everything is One´, well, that would just be another concept too!) There wasn¶t even that. Not even ³everything is One´. There was nothing. No, actually, there wasn¶t even ³nothing´ but that¶s the word that comes closest. closest. For F or a long while the nothingness of everything was the only reality. There had been a falling into the Void. Trees were no longer trees, mountains were no longer mountains, and rivers were no longer rivers. There was nothing. No me. No you. No world. No past. No future. Nothing to get. No meaning. No point. But of course it cannot stop there. ³I am nothing´ or ³there is nothing´ ± that¶s still totally dualistic. What happened then is that nothing collapsed into everything, and that¶s as close as I can come in words. The emptiness finally revealed itself to be total fullness. The detachment and pointlessness (³nothing matters! Everything is meaningless!´) gave way to a fullness of being, to a joy beyond words, a contentment without a name. You could say that Jeff died. The seeker died. The longing for something more died. You see, there was a time, before the books and the talks, where I had fallen into the ³everything is pointless, there is nothing I can do´ trap and, well, for hours and days on end, I would just walk around my home town of Oxford, and there was absolutely nothing in existence, absolutely nothing happening at all. There was no world, no past or future, nothing. Only the Void. And it was all so very grey and lacking in joy. And I was so very, very serious about something called ³spirituality´ (and, funnily enough, it was at this ti me that I also believed I was awakened!). In the book Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse, this stance is summed up as follows: ³I [find] neither home nor company, nothing but a seat from which to view a stage where strange people [play] strange parts« Time and the world, money and power belong to the small people and the shallow people. To the rest, to the real men, belongs nothing.´ I thought I was a real man, not one of those ignorant fools who were still lost in the ³relative´ world (whatever that meant). Back then, I thought this was what nonduality was all about. But then (and I cannot really say µwhen¶ because it doesn¶t happen in time), after much agony, there was a collapse of the nothing into everything, and of course, about this I cannot really say a word. Even the absolute detachment from life, even that had been completely dualistic. It takes a person to be detached, and a world to be detached from. The ³final´ seeing (and I don¶t like to call it that, but it¶ll do for now) was the death of the person, the person who could be detached or not, and a revelation (for no-one) that it was all a dance, a play, ALL of it, ALL of it, including all the bits that Jeff had rejected, including that nasty ³relative´ world that was so full of ignorance and people who were unaware of their ³true nature´ (whatever that meant). There was a plunge into the absolute mystery of it all«. totally beyond words, totally beyond language. For so long there had been a deadness, a lack of joy, a sitting-back and watching the world go by without me. It had been such a denial of the relative, a denial of the ³world´. The world had become the enemy, because it wasn¶t essentially real. Everyday human interactions had lost their meaning, because there were no others. After a lifetime of misery and self-consciousness it had initially been a relief to be ³free´ from the world of form. But ± and here¶s what I couldn¶t see then ± the nothingness had just become another trap. The freedom I¶d initially found in the emptiness had morphed into a prison. Freedom in the formless had become a denial of form. But, as the Buddhist Heart Sutra has been reminding us for thousands of years:
³Form is emptiness and the very emptiness is form; emptiness does not differ from form, form does not differ from emptiness; whatever is form, that is emptiness, whatever is emptiness, that is form«´ There had been a resting in Emptiness. But it still had not been seen in clarity that Emptiness was Form. There was still a ³me´ there, subtly denying life. Pretending he was more ³spiritual´ or ³awake´ than others, feeling smug and safe, and somewhat arrogant, but secretly joyless in his Emptiness. Then one day, it all collapsed. The denial of form could not hold itself up. I cannot put it into words, but if I could, it would be something like this. Jeff, after another day of walking through Oxford, after another day of absolutely nothing, another day of detachment from the world, collapsed on the grass in Christ Church Meadow, and looked up at a shaft of sunlight coming through the branches of a tree. And Life said ³LIVE, DAMN IT, LIVE!´ The emptiness collapsed into the form. The form collapsed into the emptiness. And then there was neither form nor emptiness. There was just THIS, with no way of knowing anymore what this is. The person dissolved into wonder. Trees were once again trees. Mountains were once again mountains. Rivers were once again rivers. Everything fell back into its rightful place. A chair was allowed to be a chair again (whilst at the same time, of course, it was the divine expression, it was Oneness playing the game of being a chair.) A cup of tea could be a cup of tea. There was a plunge back into the world, even though it was only an apparent world, even though it was all a dream, even though there was no me, and no others. Suddenly, after years of being detached and wanting to be detached, there was a relaxation into what is. The whole thing collapsed back into a very ordinary life. But the seeking was dead. What is was seen to be the miracle. And it was always enough. The very idea of ³spirituality´ went out the window. That concept was no longer needed. Concepts of ³nothingness´ and ³awakening´ and ³nonduality´ went out the window. Concepts of practices and goals and future attainment went out the window. Why? Because the grass was enough. The tree was enough. The ground beneath my feet was enough. I fell in love with solid ground, or solid ground fell in love with itself, and the seeking of a lifetime was at an end. As Ramana Maharshi said: ³The world is illusory. Brahman alone is real. Brahman is the world.´ Brahman was the world, and it was all over. Or, as Zen master Joho exclaimed: ³Fathomed at last! Ocean¶s dried. dried. Void burst. Without an obstacle in sight, It¶s everywhere!´ * When I write things like ³there is nothing to get´, it is not a teaching. It is an attempt to share this seeing. I am not a teacher, I could never see myself as that, because there is no longer any
reference point here. I have no way of knowing who I am, because it is not possible to separate myself from myself, look back at myself and say what that is. Because I am nothing, I neither teacher nor student. I am whatever you say I am. And so I am everything too. Call me teacher, call me friend, or call me nothing at all. You are what I am, and I am what you are. And it all ends there, in an intimacy that¶s beyond words. ³There is nothing to get´. It¶s not a teaching. It is a confession [read Jerry Katz on nonduality.com for more on the idea of confession vs. teaching]. What is seen here (and I can only ever speak about what is seen here) is that there is nothing to get (because THIS is the miracle). There is nothing to do (because THIS is the miracle). Yes, that can be heard in the wrong way. But there is also the possibility that what is really being communicated, what is really being pointed to by those words, will be heard. That resonance, that recognition is possible. Perhaps that¶s why the sharing happens. I don¶t know. No, I cannot see myself as a teacher. I just offer the words in the books and talks and nothing more. I just sing my song. The bird tweets, the cat miaows, and this mind-body organism (or whatever the hell it is) sometimes blabs on about nonduality. There are many who will take one look at those books and turn away. There are others who will read them and love them. I love that people walk away, and that people stay « that¶s their freedom. Freedom to stay, freedom to go. Freedom to listen, freedom to walk away. * When you are talking about nonduality, you are always talking ab out something that cannot be spoken of. If I say ³this is already complete and there is nothing to get´, I get accused of falling into the absolute. If I say ³there is a practice, there is something you can do to get closer to this´, I get accused by the nonduality fundamentalists (those who have turned nonduality into their religion, the ³religion of no practice´) of falling into the relative. T he Buddha himself said: ³«Discard, not only conceptions of one¶s own selfhood and other selves« but also« all ideas about the non-existence of such conceptions.´ When we cling to ideas of self, or ideas of no-self, we are falling into duality. After years of falling into this and so many other conceptual traps, what is now seen in absolute clarity is that nonduality cannot be contained by any concept, by any philosophy, by any system, not even the most refined, the most researched, the most tried-and-tested ones. You see, there used to be a ferocious, violent intellect here, a mind that could never rest until it had exhausted every possibility, every possible permutation of thought. It would settle for nothing less than absolute freedom. Over the years, so many traps were seen through. So many heavy thought structures were shattered from their very foundations, and seen to be made of nothing but light. My goodness, there were somany traps, so many subtle ways in which I was kidding myself. There are so many ways in which the mind can settle on a concept, on a thought structure, on a belief system, and at the same time (and this is how ingenious it is) proclaim freedom from all concepts and beliefs. The ego can find a million different ways of making it seem like there is no ego. ³I¶m free from ego! Me, I¶m free from ego!´
Yeah, right. And so these days, when I say ³there is nothing to do´ what is also seen is that the moment that turns into a belief, it is no longer true. That is why the guy who believes that ³there is nothing to do´ and stays in bed all day has not really been listening. The pointers have become concepts for him, they have hardened into beliefs, and led to stagnation. This is such a common trap. I know, I¶ve been there. There are people out there who truly believe that there is no person, no self. They truly believe that there is nothing to get. They truly believe that there is no future, no Africa, no planet Earth. The belief is the problem. Once it¶s turned into a belief, it¶s stagnated. It¶s a person with a belief. It¶s my belief versus your belief. And there¶s no end to it. In the clear seeing that there is nothing to do (because THIS is already complete), stagnation goes out the window. What I find is that there can be a springing out of bed, the heart fully open to another day of not knowing. ³Nothing to do´ ± just a concept. ³Something to do´ ± another concept. Nagarjuna said: To say ³it is´ is to grasp for permanence. To say ³it is not´ is to grasp at nihilism. Therefore a wise person Does not say ³it is´ or ³it is not´. And Bodhidharma: ³Whoever knows that the mind is a fiction and devoid of anything real knows that his own mind neither exists nor doesn¶t exist. Mortals keep creating the mind, claiming it exists. And Immortals keep negating the mind, claiming it doesn¶t exist.´ Mind exists, mind doesn¶t exist. Nothing to do, something to do. Practice, no practice. Past, no past. Self, no self. No need to stick to either polarity, or even negate both polarities. It happens so often: people go to see nonduality teachers (or non-teachers), and hear that there is nothing they can do, so they give up and sometimes get very depressed. But look: part of the dance is that on this astonishing planet there are a million things to do, or so it would seem! This world ± as every child knows ± is an adventure playground. It neither exists nor doesn¶t exist, but either way it¶s a play. And so the whole thing ends in the absolute paradox of it all. Nothing to do, lots to do. Nothing, something. Self, no self. There is nobody, there is somebody. The opposites collapse into each other, and what is seen is that nonduality could never be understood. Run a million miles from anyone who claims to understand this! This is a plunge into the mystery, totally beyond words. That is what all the words in all the books are really pointing to. And then, far from being depressing, words such as ³this is it´ and ³there is no path´ are all seen to be pointing to this liberation, this unconditional love. And it¶s seen that they always were pointing to that ± we just couldn¶t see it at the time. Yes, nothing to get, because it¶s all HERE. The intimacy and unconditional love that was always sought are seen to be right HERE.
Until then, yes there is the danger that those words could be taken the wrong way (³you¶re saying that it¶s all Oneness, so murder must also be Oneness, so I could just go and kill someone and that¶s okay because it¶s all Oneness, right?´). And I am very clear about this in the meetings (only recently we went into this at great length in one of our London meetings). Yes, there is that danger, but there is also this possibility: that what is being said will be heard, really heard. It is that sharing (not teaching, remember, because I cannot see you as separate from me) that is being pointed to. And then the whole duality/nonduality paradox is resolved, and it is seen that there never was a paradox in the first place. The seeing is that Oneness manifests itself as apparently separate beings. Things go on appearing to be separate, whilst at the same time they are all manifestations of the whole. It¶s the divine dance, it¶s the cosmic entertainment, it¶s lila, it¶s nothing being everything. And yes, that could all remain on a purely intellectual level. But what is being pointed to here is the seeing (not just intellectual understanding) of this in clarity, and in that seeing, all questions (which always point towards a future that never arrives) dissolve and what is left, you have no way of knowing. * When this was first seen, there were no words. I couldn¶t say the first thing about t his. Not a bloody word. It has taken years for the words to return. There was a time I could not even use the word ³I´ because it felt like a lie (an ³I´ separate from the whole! How absurd!). But in time (yes, the so-called µrelative¶ world is honoured here!) the words came back, and there was talking and writing about this« all done with a deep knowing that the moment Jeff spoke about this, people would misinterpret and misunderstand, and that it would even anger and frustrate some people, but that was part of the play too. The Tao cannot be told, and, well the moment you speak about it, you¶re into the world of words, the world of interpretation and misinterpretation, the world of truth and falsehood, the world of a thousand things. You¶re into the world of time and space, and you and me, and yin and yang. And that, perhaps, could become a good reason to never speak about this, ever again. But ³not speaking about this´, well, that could become another religion. The religion of silence. But this embraces both silence and noise, and, as the story goes, one day, for no good reason, Jeff began to write and speak about it« This has always been seen as a sharing, in openness and friendship« and of course I¶m only ever sharing with myself. So the mirage of separation goes on, but all the while it is known: there is no separation at all. Yes, it all ends in the mystery, in absolute love. How can I communicate to you the intimacy and freedom and peace and emptiness and fullness of just sitting on a chair, right now? Of just breathing, just sounds happening? The isness of this will never be spoken of, and yet it continues to shine, moment by moment, although there are no separate moments at all. And so the paradox is resolved here, in the absolutely simplicity and wonder of what is. In breathing happening, in noises in the room, in the warmth of my mug of tea, in the crunch of the biscuits, in the crumbs falling onto my trousers. The search of a lifetime ends here, and there is only gratitude for the mug of tea, for the biscuit, for this, as it is. Nobody drinks the tea, nobody eats the biscuit, and nobody is typing these words, but still, what a miracle it all is, and how crazy (and innocent in my craziness) I was all those years, looking for something more than this, when everything I ever needed was right here. Right here, in the place where I am not.
©
Jeff Foster ± December 2008
WHAT ARE YOU DEFENDING?: The End of Spiritual Posturing
Perhaps you¶ve had a profound realisation that everything is just a story, or that there is no separation, or that everything is simply consciousness appearing, or that everything is µjust happening¶ and it¶s not happening µto¶ a person, or that µthis is all there is¶« Great. These are BEAUTIFUL insights. But life doesn¶t end with insights.
One day, you encounter someone who fundamentally disagrees with what you are saying. You find yourself shouting at them, even abusing them. They are wrong and you want to let them know in the most dramatic way. In your eyes, they are ignorant and deluded and in the name of µcompassion¶ you attack them. Very quickly, you move to justify your actions, because you know that µgetting angry¶ doesn¶t fit into your concept of yourself as an µenlightened person¶. The anger is a real threat to your spiritual ego. So you say things like ³There¶s no µme¶ getting angry! Nobody is getting angry at nobody! It¶s just anger appearing! Everything is just a story! It¶s just life happening! It¶s just consciousness! If you experience any abuse or suffering it¶s YOUR story and YOUR problem, not mine!´. Can you see how you are defending an image of yourself as an µenlightened person¶?
Other images we may be defending: ³I am no-one.´ ³I am not here´ ³I have no self´ ³I am fully awake´ ³The ego is no longer functioning´ ³I have a completely silent mind´ ³I am pure consciousness´
³I am totally present´ ³I am a guru´/´I am not a guru´ ³I am a teacher´/´I am not a teacher´ ³All seeking has ended here´ ³There is no suffering here, ever´
My goodness, how easily we can use spiritual concepts to justify violence. (Of course, I¶m speaking from past experience here!) Oh yes, on an µultimate¶ level, it¶s just anger appearing. It¶s just fury appearing. It¶s just violence arising in and as consciousness. On an ultimately level, it¶s all deeply OKAY. But, and this is the big BUT, is that really being seen in the moment? If non-separation was truly being seen clearly in the moment, would violence (seeking) still arise? Yes, there could still be clear, honest, authentic communication, and acknowledgement of any feelings present, but would the situation have been so charged? In the moment when you yell furiously at your partner, your friend, your parent, your coworker, experiencing real anger in the body, is it REALLY being seen that there is no separation? Is it REALLY being seen that there is only consciousness? Or are you actually believing that there is someone µout there¶ to be angry with? Are you blaming a feeling here on an µother¶ who is µout there¶? Then, in the moment, µnon-separation¶ has simply become a dead concept, rather than a living truth. Is the utterly obvious being missed: that the µother¶ is simply YOUR story of the other? Is it being seen that your fury is your reaction to your own story about the other?
It¶s one thing claiming that you are totally beyond separation. It¶s another thing yelling at your partner because they didn¶t do the washing up, and then claiming that it¶s µjust yelling happening¶ and µI have no control over it!¶ and µthere¶s nobody here!¶. This is what I would call µspiritual posturing¶.
Beyond all of our spiritual posturing, what¶s really going on? What¶s really true, in your experience? Get honest: In the moment, what image of yourself are you defending? (Could you even be defending the image that you have no image of yourself?) (Or perhaps even the posture that you¶re free from posturing?!) Nobody can answer this question for you. Freedom calls for radical honesty here.
The moment you are defending an image of yourself, others become a threat to your identity. Violence begins here. There is the possibility of seeing through all these images of yourself, including the µenlightened¶ images, the µspiritual¶ images, the µAdvaita¶ images, the µno i mage¶ images. Compassion ± and real freedom from violence ± begin here. This is the invitation. There is already completeness, AND life is the constant invitation to SEE the completeness, in every moment, in every interaction, in every situation.
This is not about becoming a µperfect human being¶ ± whatever that would mean. It¶s about a total embrace of all µimperfection¶, here and now, in the midst of every experience.
Ultimately, it¶s all already deeply OKAY. And, there is this constant invitation to explore the NOT-OKAYness, rediscovering the OKAYness in the midst of it. And ultimately, whether or not the invitation is accepted, it¶s still deeply OKAY.
And so, if you¶re still open to life, open to exploring, fascinated by suffering and how it arises, this is a beautiful invitation to accept, moment by precious moment: What are you defending? FREEDOM FROM THE MOVIE
The movie is projected onto the screen. The movie cannot control the screen. But from within the movie, there is the appearance of choice and control. The movie character appears to make choices, from within the movie, and appears to have a certain amount of control over his or her movie life events. I can appear t o contr ol µm y lif e¶ . But I cannot contr ol lif e. And beyond the movie of choice and control, the screen remains untouched«. (Although ultimately, the screen is not µbeyond¶ the movie at all, because concepts like µbeyond¶ are still part of the movie. µBeyond¶ requires time and space, and time and space only exist within the movie. So there is no µbeyond the movie¶. The dualistic mind will never be able to grasp this paradox«)
Now, the play of choice and control within the movie cannot lead the movie character to freedom from the movie, (which is what the movie character secretly desires more than anything.) The best the character can hope for is some sense of freedom within the movie. Ultimately, you cannot escape the movie and reach the screen, because any attempt to reach the screen, and indeed any claim that you have finally reached the screen and are living there permanently (e.g. the guru¶s claim that he is µdwelling in the Absolute¶), is still happening from within the movie, no matter what is claimed or not claimed. Freedom from the movie is impossible, for the movie character. This is why there is no such thing as an µenlightened person¶. We are all equally movie characters, whether we like it or not. Even if we are movie characters who believe that we are not movie characters, that we have escaped the movie, that we have transcended it or gone beyond it - we are still movie characters! This is total, radical equality!
Freedom from the movie is impossible for the movie character. But from another perspective, freedom from the movie is already the case. Why? Because there was never anybody µtrapped¶ within the movie, of course!
There only appeared to be µsomebody trapped in the movie¶ because a false duality existed between the movie (³bondage´) and the screen (³freedom´). This duality does not really exist. Never did. How can a movie character be free from something which only exists as long as he is trying to be free from it? How can a movie character be free from the one who is trying to get free? The movie character only has as much reality as the movie! Here¶s the test: When the movie stops being projected onto the screen, the character disappears. Then there is no character who was ever trapped, and no character who would ever need to escape, or could escape even if they needed or wanted to. It¶s not that the character is trapped and cannot escape, it¶s that there is nobody there who is trapped and cannot escape. Total freedom is already the case. But not for the movie character. As Ramana Maharshi said, that which does not exist in deep dreamless sleep is not real. Anything that disappears when the projector is switched off was simply part of the movie, part of the dream of individuality. In other words, your problems are only as real as you are.
And this is all a long-winded way of saying something very simple indeed: True freedom is not found through escaping present experience. True freedom is right here, in the midst of every present experience, in the same way that every scene in the movie is equally a projection ± the painful scenes as much as the joyful scenes.
And all the while, the screen, intimate with all the projections, is already at ease. That which is already at ease, has no need to search for freedom. The end of seeking is simpler than you could ever imagine. And now, enjoy the movie«« IMAGINE A GAME«..
The most amazing, mysterious, ingenious game ever devised« Everybody is playing it, but nobody knows they¶re playing it. Everybody has forgotten.
There are no rules to this Game, except the rules that you play by. There is no goal, except the goal you are aiming for.
Nobody wins the Game ± but nobody loses either. The grand prize and the booby prize are the same: The Game itself.
There is no escape from the Game ± even the attempt to escape the Game is part of the Game. And if anyone thinks they¶ve escaped the Game«. well, that¶s part of the Game too. If anyone thinks that they understand the Game, that they are an µauthority¶ on the Game, or that they can µteach¶ you how to win the Game«. that is also part of the Game.
Everything that happens in the Game is perfectly appropriate for the player. It seems as though the Game was designed for you. That¶s part of the Game. The Game seems personal, but it is also totally universal. It¶s your Game«. and yet everybody is playing the same Game. This too is part of the Game.
As long as you are playing this Game, you can¶t go wrong.
Want to play? Sorry, you have no choice.
You¶re al read y in the middle of it. The Game is already being played. This Game is Life Itself.
And if you are reading this message, the Game is already complete.
This is the Game talking to Itself, reminding Itself that it is complete.
Now, you¶re free to play«. N LOVE AND ALONENESS
³Bind me like a seal upon thine heart: love is as strong as death.´ ± Song of Solomon 8:6
I am alone in the garden. The sun is rising. A little robin tugs at a worm in the grass. In true love, there is no object of desire, affection and tenderness, for the beloved has collapsed into the lover. The object has collapsed into the subject, and there is only love. Only love, and nobody to be aware of it, nobody to know it and nobody to deny it. Only love, both radically alone, and intimately connected to all t hings. A subject and an object can never be in love. They are forever divided from each other, split from each other. They can only gaze longingly into each other¶s eyes across an unbridgeable divide, with the fervent hope that one day, perhaps one day, love will bridge the chasm, and the isolation of multiplicity and fragmentation will give way to the joy of intimate companionship, togetherness, and unity. But no, love cannot and will not bridge the gap, for the gap is inherent in the subject-object split. Indeed, the gap is the subject-object split, and nothing can fill a gap which is s o deeply engrained into the very foundations of our experience. No, love cannot bridge the gap, because a subject and an object, a lover and the beloved, are inherently, fundamentally separate. It is unlikely that they will ever truly meet as people, as human beings. True love is the death of this terrible divide, and with it, the ending of all division between
two people. This will never be achieved through effort. The very effort to end the division strengthens the division, gives power to the division. This is because the division is not there. It has never been there, and it will never be there. The division is an illusion, and when you fight an illusion you are bound to lose. Lovers can never meet through effort, although they may die trying. * So, our lovers continue to gaze longingly at each other across this unbridgeable divide, a divide that, in their innocence, they have created for themselves. How to help them? Any effort they make to come together will pull them more strongly apart. Are they doomed to live and die like this? Is there a way out? Yes there is, but it involves death. Not physical death, but death of the ego, death of everything that separates, death of everything that fragments, death of everything that divides, death of everything that isolates, death of everything that has been carried over from the past, death of everything that projects into a future. Death of the idea of love itself. Finally, it will involve death of the beloved, death of the lover. Death of you and me, and with it, death of all that comes between us. A descent into pure nothingness, a plunge into the unknown. It is quite a risk. He who risks in this way may taste it, the sweet and simple joy of radical aloneness that is true love. Look! The robin tweet-tweets as he hops over the dew-soaked grass, and the morning sun begins to warm and wake the slumbering creatures in this Garden of Eden that we have named Earth, and nowhere can I find isolation, loneliness, separation, because all things are in all things, and everywhere is mother, everywhere is home. And I smile to myself with the realisation of the utterly, utterly obvious. I have not found you, but I have recognised something that has eluded me for a lifetime: You are not out there, but in here. You are part of the experiencing structure I take to be myself. So I do not love you, for there is no µme¶ to love and no µyou¶ to be loved. No, I do not love you, for you are an integral part of that which loves. * The great search ends here, now, in this moment. There is only love, and you are that ± you are love itself. You are what I feel now, you are the thoughts bubbling up from nowhere and dissolving into nothingness, you are that robin over there, and the fresh dew on the morning grass, and the sun in all its radiance, and we are eternally, timelessly bound in this way, you and me, together with all things. Except there is no µme¶, no µyou¶, and no µthings¶. So we will never be apart ± no, we cannot be apart, not now, not ever. So, this morning, I am alone in the garden, and you are here with me to see it all.
A Secret Love Affair With Life Part I ± Doing The Dishes
I¶m at home. The washing up is being done. All that exists in the universe is the chinking of plates, the glistening of bubbles, and the whoooossshhh of water as it shoots out of the tap. The washing of dishes fills all available space. This bowl is particularly dirty. It¶s covered in dried breakfast cereal and will take ages to clean. The phone rings. The bowl is put down, rubber gloves are removed, and kitchen is replaced by living room. Kitchen sink and dirty dishes are replaced by sofa and table and phone. ³Hello?´ A voice appears out of nowhere. ³Hey Jeff!´. It¶s my friend calling from London. But the sound of his voice happens here, in the room with the sofa and the phone, not µout there¶ in the world. My friend isn¶t in London, he is here with me. He meets me in this ever-present intimacy. He tells me some good news ± he has found a new job. This news is good, in his world. And because in this moment his world is my world, this news is good for me too. We share our good fortune, together. Nobody here, nobody there. And still, the response comes: ³Wow, that¶s great news!´ and it¶s not even like I¶m acting. I really mean what I say, when I say it. Love does not reject anything, love does not put on an act or a show to please people, love does not posture and pretend just to win approval. No, love dances, love plays, love embraces, for the sheer joy of it, and so the words come: ³Wow, that¶s great news!´. I know he¶s worked so hard to get this new job and there is only celebration. We arrange a time to meet next week for coffee and I scribble down the details on a piece of paper. The conversation ends. I put down the phone and go back into the kitchen and continue to scrub away at the hardened cereal. The hands move, the water runs, and a pile of dirty washing up is replaced by carefully stacked plates and saucers and knives and spoons, sparkling in the sunlight streaming in from the window. There is only gratitude for the washing up liquid, the rubber gloves and the sunlight that illuminates it all. Celebration for my friend¶s good news, gratitude for the rubber gloves, what¶s the difference here? All sparkling, shimmering appearances in the play of life. Now I need to urinate. Quicker than a flash, a toilet appears. That¶s amazing. Need for urination arises, toilet appears. This is a perfectly synchronised play. Needs are always met, somehow. Contraction, expansion. Tension, release. The heartbeat of the universe, and it¶s all so ordinary in its appearance. Amazing. Whilst I¶m drying my hands I notice that the bath needs cleaning, desperately. Well, there¶s no time like the present! Now all there is, is total absorption with cleaning the bath. Spiritual awakening? Oneness? Advaita? Nonduality? No, no, no. Not that. The bath needs to be
cleaned! This scum must be removed! It¶s a matter of life and death! I finish with the bath, go back into the kitchen and notice that the washing up has been done. What a wonderful surprise! I¶d forgotten it had been done. I grab a drink of water and go back into the living room. I see that there are some notes scribbled on a pad of paper about meeting my friend next week. Oh yes, another wonderful surprise! Life is flowering everywhere, it is simply bursting at the seams: in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the living room, and even in somewhere called ³London´. It¶s absolutely everywhere. It cannot be contained. What an adventure I¶ve had in the past few hours! And all I did was move between my kitchen, bathroom and living room. There is so much to see and do here. How rich this life is. And there is more to explore«. To the world, doing the washing up and cleaning the bath is nothing. When seen in clarity, it¶s everything. When you ask me ³what did you do today?´ I¶ll tell you that µI did the washing up, cleaned the bath and spoke to my friend in London¶, when of course what really happened, beyond the story (and how I love the story!) is that the dishes washed themselves, the bath cleaned itself and there was nobody on the phone a friend in London. What really happened was adventure ± what really happened was intimacy with all things. The story didn¶t happen ± life happened. The story is only a pale imitation of the celebration. I¶ve been having a secret love affair with life, you see, and nobody will ever know. I¶ve been intimate with the plates and spoons, with the washing up liquid, with the bath tub and the cleaning products, with the sound of my friend¶s voice and the sunlight streaming in from the kitchen window. I¶ve been intimate with the carpet, with the walls, with the oven and the fridge, with the toilet and the phone and the cute little spider I found crawling up the side of the radiator. Nobody can take this intimacy away from me. Nobody. No power in the world can threaten it. It¶s my little secret that isn¶t really a secret at all. It is life itself, and it is always right here. ___________________________________________________________________________ ___ A Secret Love Affair With Life Part II ± Going to the Supermarket
I find myself outside a supermarket. How did I get here? I don¶t remember. Do I need to buy anything? I don¶t know. Yet. Oh look ± the feet are moving. Follow the feet« I find myself staring at coffee. Do I need coffee? I can¶t remember. Maybe I just enjoy looking at coffee. The hand reaches out to grab a lovely blue packet. I start to read the blurb on the back. ³A sweet blend of Latin American coffees with a smooth, full bodied flavour that can be enjoyed from dawn to dusk.´ Wonderful! The eyes dart over to another brand. I¶ve lost interest in this sweet blend of Latin American coffees with a smooth, full bodied flavour and have become fascinated with the coffee with the funny-looking purple parrot on the front.
Moments later I¶m in the shampoo aisle. How did I get here? I must have lost interest in the coffee and remembered that I needed shampoo. Oh, look at all those different colours! Greens, pinks, reds, oranges. They all want my attention. They are all calling to me in their own unique way. This isn¶t shopping, this is a mating ritual. I read the blurb on the back of each bottle. I love doing this. Each bottle is a different world, a different universe. ³Great Hair, No Fuss!´ ³Put Shine and Dazzle Back Into Dry Hair!´ In the blink of an eye, five, ten, twenty minutes have gone by. It was six o¶clock and now it¶s twenty minutes past six and I find that I¶m still comparing shampoos. In the past, by now I would have been thinking ³Jeff, you weirdo, get a life!´. There would have been a voice there, a narrator, constantly evaluating and judging Jeff and comparing him to others. These days, there is no interest in µconforming¶. Who says you can¶t fall in love with shampoo bottles? In a flash, I notice that I¶m in the vegetable aisle, and that there is a shampoo bottle in my basket. That must be the one I µchose¶. Haha, yes, the illusion of choice! I start surveying the vegetables. Carrots, onions, leeks. The hand moves to pick out some potatoes. This one is nice. This one is« ooh, it¶s got some funny white bits coming out of it, I¶ll give it a miss. I am nothing. The potatoes are everything. I disappear into the potatoes. I am the potatoes picking themselves. I am Mr Potato Head. A young man starts talking to me in the milk and dairy aisle. He asks ³are you from round here?´. For a moment the knowledge is not there. Then suddenly the knowledge comes: Jeff lived in Brighton for two years! But it¶s too late, he¶s already talking. ³Do you know any cheap bed and breakfasts round here?´ I reply ³well there¶s plenty on the seafront, and I think there¶s a very cheap one in the town centre.´ I don¶t know where the words come from. He mutters something under his breath and then begins to rant and rave about how much he hates Brighton, even though he¶s only been here for two days. His face becomes red and he starts to pant like a dog. He lets me know what an awful place Brighton is, how unfriendly the people are, how it¶s full of ³gays and prostitutes and spiritual weirdos.´ I don¶t agree and I don¶t disagree, I just listen and watch. He¶s just telling his story. If I was attached to Brighton I can imagine how his story might offend me. But I¶m not, and it doesn¶t. He finishes his rant, I offer him some useful information about hostels in Brighton, then the body turns, and the legs begin to move. Where are they going? Bread! The angry man is wiped out and now I¶m in the bread aisle, and the smell of freshly baked bread is so heavenly, and it¶s totally free. Taste, touch, smell, they don¶t cost a penny. A couple next to me are arguing. The man wants a large pack of bagels, the woman says they need to save money and buy the smaller one. A thought pops up: if this man and woman could just falll in love with the bagels, there wouldn¶t be a problem. If they could just fall in love with the coffee, the shampoo, the potatoes, t he brightly coloured signs and fluorescent lighting, with the people who hate Brighton and the people who love it, with the smell of freshly baked bread, the screaming of babies and the weight of shopping baskets, with the shape and texture and colour of everything, then there wouldn¶t be a problem ever again. If these people could just die, right here and right now, then like newborn babies they would see all of this for the first time, and it would amaze them. For we are surrounded by wonder,
always. I leave the store and walk home. The entire experience ± the coffee, the shampoo, the angry man ± is reduced to a memory, and the memory becomes a single thought, and the single thought dissolves into the vastness. Did it ever happen? I don¶t know. This is like a constant death. Death of everything that¶s gone before. Death of the old. In every moment you wave goodbye to the coffee, the shampoo, the angry man, the potatoes, and you meet life face to face for the first time. You cling to none of it, and in return you are given everything. That¶s the deal. DEATH
³I am not afraid of death, I just don¶t want to be there when it happens.´ - Woody Allen
What do you think about, when you think about death? Your own absence? The end of you? The falling-away of your world? The world without you? What would that look like ± the world without you? We try to imagine µthe world without me¶, and we run into a huge, cosmic problem. You see, your world (your past, your future, your memories, your concepts, your opinions, your judgements, your philosophies, your religious and spiritual beliefs, your regrets, your guilt, your fears, your seeking, your achievements, your successes, your failures« basically everything that you know, everything that you think is true, everything that you think might be true, everything you don¶t know but suspect might be true, every hunch, every hope, every doubt, every certainty«.) is all you have ever known. Your world is all you know, and all you have ever known. Your world ± which is the world, to you ± is you. Your world ± the world ± is all of the above, and also the absence of the above (because negation is also part of your world). As all the authentic spiritual t eachers throughout the ages have been reminding us, the world cannot exist without you. The world arises and falls away with the µI¶. No µI¶, no world. The world without you? Not a possibility.
Every night in deep dreamless sleep, where is the world? And where is the one who experiences a world? These reflections are obliterated. As Ramana Maharshi once said, that which does not exist in deep dreamless sleep is not real. In deep dreamless sleep, there is not even anyone there who can experience the absence of the world. Nobody µexperiences¶ deep dreamless sleep. The one who experiences, the experiencer, is not there. There is not even anybody there who can experience µnothing¶. In deep dreamless sleep, there is not even µnothing¶ as separate from µsomething¶. These mindmade opposites are not there either. Deep dreamless sleep is death. Every night we die. And every morning we wake up and we say µI was asleep¶. No you weren¶t. You weren¶t there! But we love the idea of continuity. We love the idea of being an entity that exists continuously. We love the idea that we are, in some way, constant, unchangeable, solid, Absolute. Ingeniously, it dampens our fear of death. We love our ideas and beliefs in eternal souls, constant unchanging presence, of an Absolute Reality that exists even when we aren¶t there to know it¶s there. But if there is an unchangeable presence, you have no way of knowing it, and therefore no way of experiencing it. It is the very experiencing structure which is obliterated when you are obliterated. So there is nobody there to r eport the existence of ³eternally self-shining presence-awareness´ during deep dreamless sleep, or to know that ³the real Self remains constant´ throughout deep dreamless sleep. All of these are simply more concepts ± concepts that are obliterated too. If you know that there is ³eternally self-shining presence-awareness´ during deep dreamless sleep, or that ³the real Self remains constant´ throughout deep dreamless sleep, you know way too much. These are concepts that arise with the experiencer. Without the experiencer, there would be no way of knowing this constant awareness, and certainly no way of reporting it. No way of speaking it, no way of teaching it. Undoubtedly, during deep dreamless sleep, life goes on. But µyou¶ have no way of knowing that, and no way of experiencing it. This is a crucial point that often gets missed out in Advaita / Nondual teachings. For many people Nonduality / Advaita is just an excuse to swap their belief in God for a belief in µunchanging, eternal, everlasting, presence-awareness¶ which exists even after the individual has disappeared. Same belief, different words. I¶m not saying that life doesn¶t go on. I¶m saying you cannot know it or experience it. And so you certainly cannot formulate it into a Truth about existence. That is why there cannot be any teachers of this (including me!)« * Death seems to be the falling-away of the dream, which is the falling-away of the experiencer. And who is going to experience the absence of the experiencer? You cannot experience your own absence. This is why death can never be an experience for you. You can only experience what you know, and with death, all knowledge is rendered irrelevant, because the absence of the knower cannot be known. No knowledge is necessary or relevant then. All knowledge burns up. All conditioning, all beliefs. It is total extinction.
In other words, in order to know what you are experiencing, on some level there must be a narrative, a story running about someone experiencing something. Even if the experience is µthe absence of the self¶, there is already somebody there (a self) who knows that and who attributes those qualities to their experience. Without the story, there is no way of knowing what you are experiencing. Without the story, there is no way of separating one thing (an experiencer) from another thing (their experience). Without the story there cannot be t wo things. Where there are two things, you will always find a story. The story is duality. Even to say ³there is only present awareness after death´ is already another story. That story too falls away upon death. And what is left, you have no way of knowing for yourself, and therefore no way of experiencing. * Death is nothing. Which is to say, death is not an event. Any event is in the story of time, which is the story of a world, which is the story of you. The falling away of the story of you does not happen in time. It is the falling-away of time. Death is the death of the experience of time and space. How can there be anything left after that? How can there be any residue whatsoever? µEternal presence awareness¶ (or at least, the knowing of it) would be residue« And so, who dies? Only a time-bound story could die. Because µdeath¶ is simply another time bound concept. The mind splits µlife¶ from µdeath¶ ± one is loved and one is feared. Or perhaps both are loved, or both feared. But either way, without the story, can there be life as separate from death? Right now, how do you know you are alive? On some level, in order to experience µbeing alive¶ (and not being dead) you have to tell yourself that you are alive and not dead. You have to tell yourself that you were born and that one day you will die. What you believe is what you experience. But to whom do all these stories arise? In who or what does the story ³I am a separate person who was born and who will die one day´ arise? What you are is already free from all of these stories. It is that in which the whole world comes and goes. And yet, it is not separate from that which comes and goes, either. It is not µnot duality¶. That would be dualistic. It is radically all-inclusive. If it is non-duality, it is also duality. Then it is neither non-duality or duality. It is unspeakable, ultimately. Because it is not an µit¶ at all. * Some people believe that everything is i mpermanent except Awareness. Or that only Consciousness is eternal. That the Presence that you are exists even after death. They take these as unshakeable facts, as inarguable Truths about existence. It all hinges on our understanding of the word ³exists´. Once it is seen that µexistence¶ is simply another word for µexistence in the story¶ (in other words, in time) then it is seen that even the idea of Self-Shining Awareness that exists after death must also burn up. Even that is another concept held by the seeker ± the seeker is always looking for something permanent. Whether you believe in the eternal soul, or eternal self-shining awareness, it is essentially the same belief. Even awareness, consciousness and presence are seen to be concepts in the end.
Undeniably, life goes on. Millions of dinosaurs are born and die. Humans emerge. Fish, plants, trees, elephants come and go. A cat dies, rots, and maggots feed on its flesh. A human dies and their body is burnt ± their ashes fertilise the soil. In this way, and in this way only, Life goes on. Everything else must be a projection of the individual. Why? Because it is in time. All talk of the time and the ti meless ± that is the µme¶ talking. How do I know? Well, in deep dreamless sleep, where are your concepts about life and death? In deep dreamless sleep, it is all obliterated. And then in the morning, the person reappears (this is the true resurrection, the true r eincarnation!) with all their ideas about life and death, about past lives and reincarnation, about eternal presence and eternal souls and continuous existence. The person reincarnates, and reports on deep dreamless sleep. But it is a report, and it is not deep dreamless sleep. The report is the story. Eternal souls? Eternal presence? Reincarnation? Rebirth? It is all as r eal as µyou¶ are. I¶m not saying your ideas are wrong, and mine are right. I¶m saying these ideas are as real as you are. Discover how real µyou¶ are first« * Death? Where is death right now? Surely right now, all you can find is aliveness, life, the present appearance of everything right here and right now. Where is death? Death is always a projection, a story about something that will µhappen¶ in the future. But that story only ever happens right now. Death is your story of death, and it happens now. Even a moment before what we call physical death (when the body ceases to function), there is only this ± this aliveness, this presence. And upon what we call death, what falls away is the story, the story about someone who is dying, the story about someone who could die at all. What falls away upon death is death itself. And what is left? You have no way of knowing. µYou¶ have no way of knowing. µI¶ have no way of knowing. Why? Because there is nothing to know. Death is nothing. What may happen of course, is fear of death. What may happen, of course, moments before death, is pain. Let¶s not deny the realities of this bodily existence. But fear and physical pain are simply expressions of life. There may be fear of death, but there is no death. There may be pain leading up to death, but there is no death. Upon death, the one who fears, and the one who is in pain ± where do they go? They don¶t µgo¶ anywhere, because they never existed. There is nowhere to µgo¶ for a non-existent entity! The one who is dying ± where does he or she go upon death? They don¶t µgo¶ anywhere ± death is not a destination. Death is a thought. They don¶t µgo¶ anywhere, because there is only here, there is only now, and there was never anybody here separate from life. Imagine a wave, µmoving through¶ the ocean. It approaches the shore (its apparent destination) and crashes onto it. The wave doesn¶t appear to be there any more. But has the
wave µgone¶ anywhere? Has the wave µdisappeared¶? No, there was never a separate wave to begin with. It was never µborn¶ so it cannot really µdisappear¶. There was only the ocean, appearing temporarily as a wave. The wave actually went« nowhere. There was no destination in the end, except the absence of the one who would µreach¶ it. A non-existent wave cannot die« * So nobody dies. Nobody experiences death. What we experience is what we know. We experience what we know about death. But that which is beyond personal experience does not experience death. Discover what that is, a nd death becomes meaningless. Because all that¶s left is this present livingness, with no concept of µthat which is beyond life¶. µThat which beyond life¶ is simply a concept appearing in life. As is µlife¶, by the way« It will never be understood ± and does not need to be. Why do you bother with death and reincarnation? Isn¶t this present life enough for you? Why do you fear death? Why do you hope for reincarnation? Do you think the µnext life¶ will be better than this one? What if all of that is part of your seeking dream? What if it¶s all just an excuse to ignore the gift of this present existence? We are so busy fearing death and hoping for reincarnation, that we miss what is here. And here is the miracle to end all miracles. Here is the true death ± death of the seeker, death of two. It is unconditional love, beyond the knowledge of it. It is not an event. It is intimacy, beyond time. It is there in the very foundations of your present experience. Outside of that, where is death? And the strange thing is: when this ± what is here ± is seen for what it is, what is seen is that this ± what is here ± will be present upon death. And so death will not change anything, fundamentally. The body will cease to function, yes. But after that, there is nothing to know. What a relief. All that¶s left ± is to live. To really live this life. Because it¶s all there is. And that¶s the miracle. Death is the seeing-through of the story, which happens now. All that reincarnates is a story, which also happens now. Death and reincarnation are essentially part of the same movement ± a movement of thought. Beyond thought, there cannot be any death or reincarnation. * That which is present upon death, is present right now. Discover that, and there is no death. How do I know? I don¶t. That¶s why it is known. More clearly than anything«.
And so I make a cup of tea, dunk in a biscuit, and beyond death or lack of it, all that¶s left is this Mystery« and cosmic gratitude for all of it. I die as µsomeone drinking a cup of tea¶ and reincarnate as µsomeone drinking a cup of tea¶. What difference? Where I came from, where I will go back to, I have no way of knowing for myself, and therefore no way of experiencing. Beyond all belief, and beyond lack of belief, there is this Mystery, appearing as total simplicity. There is enough grace in the experience of this cup of tea to last a thousand imaginary lifetimes. Death? Reincarnation? Duality? Nonduality? Sweet, innocent fairy tales, nothing more. And the arms of the beloved embrace all such tales, in the end. And all of the above is just a very long-winded way of saying something very, very simple indeed: Can death just be a mystery? INTIMACY
This exquisitely fragile world, this mind-blowingly impermanent, iridescent parade of sights, sounds smells. How impossible to communicate the absence at the centre of it all, the fact that it has no centre, that it swims in nothingness, arises and dissolves continuously in the barest emptiness. How fragile it is, how fleeting. How beautiful. How « indescribable. And yet, how simple, how utter l y obvious. And in liberation, when the person is not there, it is not an empty void «. not at all!« it is a full-bodied cacophony, a stunning play of dancing, singing, shimmering reflections of refractions of reflections of the original One, an utterly convincing trick of light« and it all happens for no-one, and it is always already released from the need to be anything other than what it is. Yes, it all appears t o no-one, happens for no-one, but it¶s not a detached world, no, not at all«. in fact, it¶s now all so int imate, in fact it is nothing but Intimacy itself«. because there is simply no ³me´ separate from ³it´« Only It, only Life in its totality, the One and only, in its infinite, intimate manifestations. This will never be communicated. It is beyond all that, too great for all that«. and yet too simple for it too. Just this ± shimmering this, impermanent this, ineffable this. JUST A THOUGHT
This has nothing to do with effort. This has nothing to do with understanding. Nothing to do with process, nothing to do with praxis. Nothing to do with lack of process or praxis. This is not about seeing anything new, or getting rid of anything old. This is not something the mind could ever grasp. Nor does the mind need to give up its grasping. This is nothing personal, nor does it have anything to do with the ³impersonal´. This is not about choiceless awareness, or seeing through the ego, or self-enquiry. This cannot be expressed using concepts. Nor will it ever be expressed in the absence of concepts. This is not about words. Not even these words. This is not about getting anywhere. This has nothing to do with any kind of future achievement. This is not about following a path: there is no path, although there may be the idea of ³a path´. This is not about reaching a higher state: there are no higher states, although there may be concepts about ³higher states´. This is not about becoming anything, although beliefs about that may arise too. This is certainly not about ³putting an end to the I´. Only an ³I´ would want that. This is most definitely not about ³becoming more present´ the present was never lost in the first place. This is not about waiting for an event called liberation that would require time, and a ³me´ who would eventually become liberated.
This has nothing to do with going ³beyond´ anything there is nothing to go beyond, and nobody who could go beyond even if they wanted to. This is not about enlightenment. There is no such thing as enlightenment. This is not about awakening. There is no such thing as awakening. This is not about enlightened individuals passing on their understanding. That¶s a good story, and a compelling one, but it¶s just a story, and has no deeper reality. This is not something that could be of any use to anyone. This is not something that anyone would ever want. But no matter the ³me´ who would want this is just a thought anyway. Just a thought. NONDUALITY AND COMPASSION (aka µFEEDING THE STARVING CHILD¶)
Somebody recently asked me: ³Jeff, in your latest piece of writing you talked about seeing a starving African girl on the TV, and that it was simply an appearance of Oneness. But how can it be Oneness? I mean, it¶s okay for you to s to say ay that, you¶re not starving, after all. But she is. Couldn¶t ³Oneness´ just be a concept you¶re using to push away or deny the reality of living in this world? A way for you to cope with the harsh realities of existence and suffering?´ This is a great question. Of course, this ³Oneness´ could so easily remain on a purely intellectual/conceptual level. It could so easily disintegrate into a b elief used by an individual to block out or deny suffering: ³T here here is on onl y Onene ss! ss! Noth Nothiin g ex g exis ist t s! s! Noth Nothiin g matter matter s! s! T here here are no starv starviin g ch g child ild ren ren in Af r ri ca! My ca! My mother mother did did n¶t di n¶t diee of cancer! of cancer! P ain doe doe sn¶t sn¶t h hurt! I don¶t don¶t nee need d t t o eat, becaus ecausee there is no bod y! I did n¶t n¶t pu punch y nch you ou in in the f ace j ace jus ust t then, there is nobod y here pu punchi nchin g ! And n d nobod y t o pu punch!´ Yes, this could so easily be taken on as a life-denying philosophy. But of course this is not what I am suggesting. For me, Oneness ± or at least what the word µOneness¶ points to ± is a living reality, not just a belief« although ultimately of course it¶s just a word, and cannot capture the aliveness of everything. For me, Oneness is not a new religion or belief system,
not a new ideology for the individual to cling to, but a clear seeing of life as it actually is, beyond our concepts about life, beyond our ideologies and religions, beyond all our secondhand knowledge. You see, Oneness is not a dead thing. Oneness could includ nclud e moving to feed that starving child. It denies nothing. It includes all possibilities. Well of course it does, it is everything. How could it deny any aspect of itself? It moves to feed that child, or not. It is everything, it appears as everything, everything, and yet it is no-thing in particular. Nothing and everything at the same time. It appears as wars, genocides, flowers, trees, cups of coffee, cars beeping their horns, everything. It a ppears as saints and sinners, starving children and overweight millionaires. It also appears as apparent individuals who can apparently do something about starving children. Part of this freedom is that there appear s to be free will. I¶m not talking about ³coping´ with reality and suffering. I¶m not talking about using Advaita concepts to ³cope´ with life. Oneness IS reality, and it IS the appearance of suffering in the world. Oneness could involve moving to feed that starving child, if that is possible. Or not. I don¶t know. I¶m not telling you how to live. I¶m just interested in reality beyond our ideas of it. Beyond even these ideas.
Reality is always already beyond our concepts about it. The mind will never catch up.
That starving girl. Her belly appears to be empty. Mine appears to be full. Oneness includes both. It appears as a starving girl in Africa, and a well-fed man typing on a laptop. Ultimately ± ul ± ul t timate i matel l y - there is no ³my belly´ separate from ³her belly´. There is nobody here and nobody there. But in the appearance, there is. We cannot deny the appearance. Again, who who would deny it? To deny the appearance would affirm the appearance, anyway. If you say ³There is no starving girl´ you affirm the appearance of the starving girl. If you say ³There is no Africa´ you affirm the appearance of Africa. What you reject always comes back to haunt you. Hunger does not appear here ± and there is gratitude for that, of course. At the moment, I cannot experience her hunger. But Oneness does not deny the appearance of her hunger and my lack of hunger. It embraces both. It is both. is both. In other words, there is only what¶s happening . For the t he starving girl, what¶s happening might be this: hunger arising, sounds, sights, smells happening, maybe some pain«. and perhaps movement to find food. I don¶t know. I cannot know. Over here, there is no hunger, at the moment. There are sights, sounds, smells happening, and images of the starving girl on the TV. Can you see that Oneness is all of this? It plays every role. And who knows, I might be about to do something to help that girl, who is myself too. Again, I¶m not telling you how to live. Just looking at what¶s real.
In a meeting once, a man asked me what I would do if a starving child came up to me and asked for food. I said I¶d probably feed the child. The man came up to me after the meeting. He said he¶d been shocked at my answer. He¶d been to so many so-called ³Advaita´ teachers who, in response to that same question, had said t hings like: there is no hun g er, er, there is nobod y there who who is hun g ry, ry, her h her hun g er is er is an illusion, illusion, it¶ s all a ll a d ream ream« and so on. And that might be true from an ultimate perspective. But nobody can live in µultimately¶. She needs food, not your concepts about a bout ultimate reality. She cannot eat concepts. Remember, what you deny, you affirm. And so when all of those beliefs fall away, then, well« you feed the child. Or not. Perhaps food is the last thing she needs in that moment. Who knows. But your actions certainly aren¶t coming from rigid Advaita beliefs. The mystery meets itself in the face of that starving child. This is the essence of compassion. Who knows what action will arise out of that. This is certainly not about a denial of anything. If anything, it¶s the end of denial. It¶s a life lived without the illusions. Without the mythology. Without the comforting beliefs. Even the belief in Oneness ± that goes too. And what you are left with is unconditional love, beyond the concept of it. And you meet the world for the first time. Like a newborn baby.
³I ¶ ¶ m hun g ry. ry. C an an I have I have a litt litt l le bit bit of you your r b bread read ?´ ?´
Feed the child, and you are feeding yourself. Let her go hungry, and you too go hungry. Are you going to sit around debating whether or not the starving child really exists? Are you going to give her a little bit of your bread?
Beyond nothing mattering and everything mattering, what will you do, when you no longer have anything to defend?
And that question question simply dissolves dissolves into silence. NONDUALITY: EXPRESSING THE INEXPRESSIBLE
Breath Breathiin g« the heart beat in g« soun sou nds in in the r oom« oom«
sen sat ion s in the bod y«.. thoug ht s ar isin g and dissol vin g int o nothin g ne ss« Already, there is only Oneness. And this is it. Just life, but nobody living it. Just this, playing itself out spontaneously, of its own accord, in its own time. And there is no ³you´ separate from ³this´. That¶s the illusion. That¶s the dream. That¶s the suffering. Only nothing ± no-thin g - arising as everything. Only the absolute paradox of it all. And yet, in life without a centre, there are still faces, places, feelings, ups and downs. Although now the ups are equal to the downs, pain is equal to pleasure, the most excruciating suffering is equal to the greatest joy. Because with the collapse of the individual self comes the ending of all opposites, all opposition, all duality, which is to say that everything now exists in perfect balance (as it always has done). And yet, there is nobody to know that balance, nobody who could name it, nobody who could s peak of it, even if they wanted to. T his is g race, and it will never be capt ured in wor ds. How to use dualistic concepts to describe that which is beyond duality? And anyway, isn¶t ³beyond duality´ just another concept, perhaps the biggest concept of them all? And of course, the mind will struggle with these dream questions. But the mind has missed the point entirely. The mind is so lost in the dream that it could never ho pe to see this. What is being said here has nothing to do with words. Once we get lost in words and concepts and meanings we¶re so totally, completely, utterly lost. Because this message is about what is pre sent l y happening ± present sights, sounds and smells. It¶s about the utterly obvious present appearance of life, an appearance which appears to nobody, an appearance which dances and swirls and pretends to be solid but actually has no solidity at all, an appearance which cannot be grasped in any way (and the attempt to grasp it would only lead to suffering anyway«) It¶s an appearance which cannot be escaped, cannot be denied, cannot be transcended, because the person who would try and do any of these things in the first place does not even exist. The person is an apparition, a ghost, a mirage, a thought. And what power does thought have? And so this is the end of choice, the end of control, and a plunge into something far more explosive. This is the absolute freedom which cannot be reached through any sort of effort or non-effort. This is the end of duality because it is the wide open space, the vastness in which duality appear s to arise in the first place.
This is totally extraordinary, and yet it is nothing special. This is the miracle of all miracles, and yet it is as simple as breathing. This is death, and yet it is also the source of all life. This is not something a mind could ever hope to grasp. This is not a concept to be understood, not a new belief to be believed. This is breathing, this is the heart beating, this is an entire world arising out of nothing and falling back into nothing, ceaselessly, playfully, like waves in the ocean, like icy breath on a winter¶s day, like the memory of a loved one, long since departed. This is not a state to be reached; it is not something that some people have and others don¶t. This is just a description of the utterly obvious. And it¶s so simple a newborn baby could see it: life already has no centre. NOT A TEACHING
This is not a teaching, and I am not a teacher. This is a sharing of something so intimate, so present, so damn alive that words cannot even begin to touch it. A sharing of the possibility of absolute freedom, right in the midst of this very ordinary life. This has nothing to do with gurus and disciples, spiritual teachers and students, lineages, awakened sages or enlightened masters. That is all in the dream of separation, the dream of separate people. You see, the moment you have an µindividual¶, a µperson in the world¶, you have separation, and the moment you have separation you have the longing to end that separation, to heal the divide, to come Home. It¶s the wave longing to return to the ocean. But of course there never was an individual wave separate from the ocean. The wave was always part of the ocean. It was the ocean itself, playing the game of being a separate wave. But the little wave is inherently a seeker, and he or she runs around the world like a headless chicken, desperately trying to fill the void, to put an end to that felt sense of separation and lack. And whether it¶s the search for material wealth, or the search for spiritual enlightenment, it¶s essentially the same search. It¶s the search for Home. That¶s what we long for more than anything ± t o come Home, just t o come Home. What we are sharing here is the possibility that you never left Home in the first place. The little wave was always trying to find something that was never actually lost. You cannot find Oneness because you never actually lost it. And you never lost it because you never had it. You always were it. The wave was always, always, a perfect expression of that which cannot be expressed. You have always been the divine expression, expressing itself perfectly, completely, leaving no trace, no residue.
Life Without A Centre is about the possibility that the lifelong search for something more (which is really the sense of being an individual separate from the whole) can be seen through. It¶s not an intellectual thing. It¶s a freefall into Intimacy. Totally beyond the intellect. Totally beyond words. And in that seeing-through, all religions, all philosophies, all ideologies, all spiritual teachings, paths and practices are r endered obsolete. This is not a rejection of paths and practices, but a movement beyond them. For those who are ready to listen, for those who are ready to lose everything and gain everything, for those who are ready to µdie before they die¶ and discover something beyond death, this is the possibility of total freedom, right in the midst of a very ordinary life. WHAT IS A GURU? (aka µKissing the carpet¶) ³Guru´ = G.U.R.U = ³Gee, you are you!´
Those who we perceive as µgurus¶ are simply those who appear within our dream to remind us of what we ALL are beyond our story. To remind us of what we already know. To remind us, as if we needed to be reminded«! An authent ic gur u (if there is any such thing ± I don¶t use these words very often because they¶ve been so misused over the years) is anything or anyone who points clearly to THIS, within the dream. So, your cat is a guru. Your cat ± seen in clarity ± is the greatest guru that ever lived. Your child, seen with fresh eyes. A tree. A pot of jam. Nisargadatta Maharaj. Or the old lady with the crooked legs who lives at the end of your street. In the end, it doesn¶t matter. Anything and everything points back home. It¶s all consciousness in the end, and nobody can claim ownership of consciousness. Anyone who claims ownership is simply claiming a kind of ignorance of what they really are. Anyone who claims ownership is still very much lost within the dream. And it¶s exactly that lostne ss that the authentic guru exposes. An authentic guru would never, ever make you into their disciple. They would never, ever, for one moment believe that they were any different from you. They would never, ever ask for your obedience. They would never, ever ask you to be anything other than what you are. They would laugh at the idea that they were special. They would meet you without an agenda. They would meet you without trying to change you. They would meet you as a friend. They would meet you in the ³I DON¶T KNOW´. They would meet you as yourself. They would appear quite ordinary. They would appear as a cat. They would appear as a piece of toast. They would appear as« you. Gee. You are you! So, in the end, the dream of µpersonal¶ gurus, the dream of enlightened masters and unenlightened disciples, falls away. The dream of the guru-disciple relationship dissolves into the absence of the dreamer, to reveal life in its awesome simplicity. Ramana Maharshi becomes equal to a cat, or a piece of toast, or your Aunt Bessie. The guru is seen to be everything. Then there¶s no longer any need to travel across the world to see the guru ± because the guru is always HERE. Always HERE, always NOW. It was never personal. In your search for
enlightenment, you projected gurus in the form of people. In the light of this Seeing, the facade crumbles to the ground. Yes, Life itself is the guru ± and it has always been staring you in the face. So all that¶ s l e f t is t o f all t o the carpet and k iss it with g rat it ud e. It is yourself, after all. It is made of the same substance as you. It has always been pointing back Home. Quite literally. What radical simplicity! The end of seeking is right there in the carpet. The last place the seeker would ever look. And then you g et u p, have dinner, and do the dishe s , and«.
A QUIET REVOLUTION IN SPIRITUALITY When you make the two one, And when you make the inside like the outside And the outside like the inside, Then will you enter the Kingdom. - Jesus, Gospel of Thomas The deed there is, but no doer thereof. Nirvana there is, but no one seeking it. - Buddha
A quiet revolution in spirituality is taking place. There is a growing sense that freedom cannot be found in philosophies, religions, ideologies; that it cannot be located in books, or reached through lifetimes of intense spiritual practice; that it cannot be passed on by enlightened or awakened spiritual masters; that it cannot be owned, cannot be taught, cannot be captured. There is a growing sense that freedom is all there is, that it goes right to the heart of what you are, that it is constantly available and costs nothing. And that¶s what this message, which I call Life Without A Centre, points to ± the absolute freedom right at the heart of life. It¶s a radical message, to be sure. And yet it¶s as soft and gentle as a kiss from a loved one. Life Without A Centre is about the possibility that the spiritual search, and indeed all t he seeking of the mind, can come to an end once and for all. And in the absence of that search, there can be a clear seeing that all there is, is Oneness. And in the clarity of Oneness, life loses its heaviness, and what is is always enough. Some people have called this ³spiritual awakening´; however, it¶s not something complicated, and it¶s not reserved for the lucky few. It¶s an awakening as simple and obvious as the sound of the rain splish-splashing up on the roof. It¶s a bit like having a dream, and getting lost in it, and then waking up, and opening your eyes, and looking around and realising that yes, of course, it was just a dream«
There is no condemnation of seeking here, or of any religion or belief system. Seeking is nothing more or less than a longing for Home, a desperation to remember who you really are beyond name and form, beyond thoughts, beyond concepts, beyond all beyonds. And the search plays itself out, as it must. This is not to condemn the seeking, but to point to the possibility that it can fall away, to reveal something far more explosive than the spiritual teachings of this world ever promised. This is not a new set of beliefs, or a fresh collection of ideas for the mind to chew on. No, this communication uses words to go beyond words, to point to something that cannot really be spoken of. It is not a teaching, not a communication from individual to individual, but a sharing from Oneness to Oneness. A sharing that ends in a revelation which completely transcends the dream of ³me-and-you´. And on some level, no more words are really necessary: it is already complete. Oneness is already perfectly whole, arising presently as the chair, the floor, the table, the body, the eyes, the nose, the arms, the legs, the heart beating, the breathing. All of this is Oneness, and nothing is out of place. And yet, for the individual, perhaps this cannot yet be seen. For the individual, there may be more reading, more effort, more going to spiritual meetings, more meditating, and more trying to understand all of this. And that¶s exactly as it must be. The teachings of nonduality will appear to be r elevant as long as there is an individual ther e trying to grasp them. That is the only purpose of these words: to be there, in friendship and love, for that individual. To meet them exactly where they are. But when that individual dissolves into clarity, when the search unravels, these pointers to the ineffable will fall away too, and there will only be the immediacy of what is, with nobody there to know it. There will be a robin singing in the tree, a car whooshing past on the road, a cup of tea in your hand, and it will all be the divine Mystery; you will never look for anything else ever again, and there will be a complete release from the burden of individuality. A perfectly ordinary life will be lived, but nobody will be living it. And, in joy and clarity, it will be seen that there has only ever been this freedom, and that all the seeking and suffering of a lifetime played out in absolute innocence. * It may help to speak briefly about my past ± bearing in mind, of course, that what we call ³the past´ is just a memory, just a thought arising presently, and that my past is really no more special than your past, or anyone else¶s for that matter. In my mid-twenties, after a lifetime of shyness, anxiety and an intense dislike of the entity I called ³myself´, I entered a period of deep depression and illness. Fuelled by the desire to escape the suffering of a lifetime, I then embarked on an intense spiritual search which lasted for several years, taking me on a journey through all the world¶s religions and spiritual traditions. For all of my life I had been a committed atheist, but the suffering had finally become so intense that an escape into spirituality seemed to be the only option. I became addicted to the idea of ³spiritual awakening´, and shut myself off from the outside world, meditating and self-enquiring and constantly changing and questioning my belief systems, reading literally hundreds of spiritual books and sitting for hours at a time in my garden trying to be ³present´, waiting for the moment when the separate self would disappear and suffering would be no more.
