BASED ON THE FILM WRITTEN BY
MUSIC AND LYRICS BY
DIRECTED BY
DANIEL WATERS
KEVIN MURPHY & LAURENCE O'KEEFE
ANDY FICKMAN
Andy Cohen
Andy Fickman J. Todd Harris Kevin Murphy Laurence O’Keefe Jamie Bendell Bruce Bendell Scott Benson Scott Prisand
Amy Powers
Hasty Pudding Presents AND
Big Block Entertainment Bernard Abrams & Michael Speyer/StageVentures Evan Todd Katie Leary/Vineyard Point Productions Bill Prady Karen J. Lauder RJ Hendricks
PRESENT
1. BEAUTIFUL 2. CANDY STORE 3. FIGHT FOR ME 4. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN 5. BIG FUN 6. DEAD GIRL WALKING 7. THE ME INSIDE OF ME 8. BLUE
BOOK, MUSIC, AND LYRICS BY
9. OUR LOVE IS GOD
Kevin Murphy & Laurence O’Keefe
10. MY DEAD GAY SON
Based on the film written by
Daniel Waters
11. SEVENTEEN
starring Daniel Cooney Anthony Crivello Dan Domenech Michelle Duffy Jon Eidson Cait Fairbanks Rachel Flynn Molly Hager Charissa Hogeland Katie Ladner Alice Lee Ryan McCartan Elle McLemore AJ Meijer Matthew Schatz Dustin Sullivan Evan Todd Barrett Wilbert Weed Jessica Keenan Wynn
SCENIC DESIGN
COSTUME DESIGN
Timothy R. Mackabee
Amy Clark
HAIR/WIG/MAKEUP DESIGN
GENERAL MANAGEMENT
Roy Gabay Productions
•
FIGHT DIRECTORS
Rick Sordelet & Christian Kelly-Sordelet
PRESS REPRESENTATIVE
PRODUCTION MANAGEMENT
Daniel Kuney
AKA
Vivacity Media Group
Juniper Street Productions, Inc.
PRODUCTION STAGE MANAGER
COMPANY MANAGER
Ritchard Druther
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Jonny Massena
Sheila Guthrie, C.S.A. & Suzanne Goddard-Smythe, C.S.A.
ADVERTISING & MARKETING
SOUND DESIGN
Jason Lyons
CASTING DIRECTORS
Leah Loukas
LIGHTING DESIGN
HIPZEE
Denise Di Novi
ARRANGEMENTS & ORCHESTRATIONS
Laurence O’Keefe & Ben Green IN ASSOCIATION WITH
Lakeshore Entertainment
Music Director Dominick Amendum Choreography
Marguerite Derricks DIRECTed by
Andy Fickman
YellowSoundLabel.com HeathersTheMusical.com @heathersmusical Album produced by Michael Croiter, Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe. ©®2014 Yellow Sound Label. All rights reserved. Unauthorized duplication is a violation of applicable law.
Mandy Tate
12. SHINE A LIGHT 13. LIFEBOAT 14. SHINE A LIGHT (REPRISE) 15. KINDERGARTEN BOYFRIEND 16. YO GIRL 17. MEANT TO BE YOURS 18. DEAD GIRL WALKING (REPRISE) 19. I AM DAMAGED 20. SEVENTEEN (REPRISE)
Greetings and salutations from Daniel Waters, writer of the 1989 film Heathers
The 80’s. Musically, Katrina and the Waves told you to Walk on Sunshine and Wang Chung beckoned everyone to Wang Chung tonight. Movies about the young were pink and silly and told you that “when you grow up, your heart dies.” I hit the piñata of maggots dangling above the decade with my little script Heathers, doing my darndest to bring some refreshing darkness and insanity to the party, along with the warm message that “your heart dies when you’re twelve.” It was fun. Now it’s the 21st century and the world is dark and insane and a little dull. The nobility of brutal satire has been hijacked by the easy cheesiness of snark. With their glorious musical version of Heathers, Kevin Murphy, Laurence O’Keefe, and Andy Fickman brilliantly realize that to be subversive in the now, it takes something more original and interesting than more darkness. These giddy and astonishing songs are not afraid to bring out the bleak when necessary, but there is wonder and catharsis here. Who knew pure joy could be the most shocking artistic weapon of them all?
Synopsis ACT I: 1989. Sherwood, Ohio. First day of senior year at Westerberg High, a jungle of competition and cruelty. Brainy misfit Veronica Sawyer writes in her diary about how once she and her classmates were young, hopeful and acted “Beautiful.” Her big break comes in the bathroom when she rescues the reigning trio of popular girls from detention with her forgery skills. The three girls, all named Heather, allow Veronica to sit with them at lunch, give her a makeover, and rewrite her high school destiny. By torturing Veronica’s longtime best friend, Martha “Dumptruck” Dunnstock, the Heathers teach a reluctant Veronica how to make the world her “Candy Store.” A shadowy, sardonic new student, Jason Dean (J.D.), watches the manipulative popular kids with scorn. When he cautions Veronica to look after her soul, he is accosted by football players Ram and Kurt. As J.D. wipes the floor with them, Veronica drools and wonders if he might ever “Fight for Me.” That evening, en route to the big homecoming party, Veronica runs into J.D. again at the local convenience store. They flirt, and J.D. convinces Veronica to “Freeze Her Brain” with a sugary frozen drink. At the party, an extravagant kegger with no parents in sight (“Big Fun”), Martha is bullied by the Heathers. Veronica defends Martha, enraging Heather Chandler, who declares Veronica persona non grata at school on Monday. Realizing she is now a “Dead Girl Walking,” Veronica seeks comfort in J.D.’s arms. The next morning Veronica goes to kiss Heather Chandler’s aerobicized ass and apologize. J.D. fixes Heather a very special hangover cure involving drain cleaner which Veronica accidentally gives to Heather, killing her. To cover up their crime, Veronica and J.D. fake a suicide note from Heather. The note catches on like wildfire. Everyone at school mistakenly believes Heather’s vicious exterior concealed a kinder, gentler soul (“The Me Inside of Me”). In death, Heather is more popular than ever. That night, Veronica receives a phone call from a panicky Heather McNamara, begging her to come to the local cemetery—quick! Veronica arrives, only to discover the Heathers are using her as a decoy to divert the amorous attentions of drunk Kurt and Ram. The inebriated jocks make a clumsy attempt at seduction (“Blue”), but Veronica tricks them into drinking until they pass out. The next morning, power-hungry Heather Duke moves to replace Heather Chandler as Westerberg’s Queen Bee. She attacks Veronica by spreading false gossip that Veronica had a three-way with Kurt and Ram in the cemetery. Veronica suddenly finds herself slut-shamed by the entire student body. J.D. and Veronica plot revenge by staging Ram and Kurt’s fake suicide, brought about by their “gay forbidden love.” J.D. lies to Veronica and Ram and Kurt’s fake suicide becomes a real murder. Veronica is forced to face the monster she’s created in J.D. when he insists “Our Love Is God.” End of Act I. ACT II: At Kurt and Ram’s funeral, J.D. assures Veronica that Sherwood will be a healthier environment now that the most popular and toxic kids are gone. The fathers
CAST of Kurt and Ram misinterpret the deaths of their jock sons as a brave gesture of love and defiance (“My Dead Gay Son”). Nobody is more surprised than Veronica when the funeral-goers embrace tolerance. Does this prove J.D. was right? Veronica, unconvinced, demands that J.D. hang up his six-guns. Can’t they just be “Seventeen?” Like normal kids? He promises to change. Meanwhile, fearing teenage suicide has become a popular fad, hippie teacher Ms. Fleming holds an assembly to urge the students to “Shine A Light” on their deepest fears and shame. The painfully clueless Heather McNamara takes the bait and blurts out that she’s thought about killing herself to escape the treacherous “Lifeboat” of high school life. After a brutal humiliation by Heather Duke (“Shine A Light (Reprise)”), Heather McNamara runs to the bathroom and tries to overdose on sleeping pills. Veronica knocks the pills out of McNamara’s mouth, saving her life and earning a real friend. Martha, who has been in love with Ram for years, refuses to believe that Ram and Kurt were tragic, secret gay lovers. She suspects J.D. and asks Veronica for help searching his locker. Knowing that J.D. would kill Martha if he knew she was on to him, Veronica saves Martha’s life by cruelly shattering her illusions about her “Kindergarten Boyfriend.” Veronica realizes J.D. has no intention to stop the violence, so she breaks up with him. The gesture comes too late to help the despondent Martha, who throws herself from a bridge holding a suicide note. Veronica’s conscience takes the form of a Greek chorus of dead teenagers (Heather Chandler, Kurt and Ram). They warn her, “Yo Girl”— getting dumped has lathered up J.D. into a murderous rage. J.D. shows up at Veronica’s house and reveals his plan to bomb the entire high school during that afternoon’s pep rally, and demands Veronica be his date to the conflagration, since he was “Meant to Be Yours.” Veronica fakes her own suicide to escape him. J.D., despairing and insane, vows to finish his work alone, but Veronica follows him to the school to stop him and save her classmates (“Dead Girl Walking (Reprise)”). J.D. plants a bomb in the boiler room but is interrupted by Veronica. They fight over J.D.’s gun and it goes off, shooting J.D. Veronica takes the bomb and lugs it out to the football field alone, accepting her own imminent death. But a mortally wounded J.D. reappears. He refuses to let Veronica kill herself, insisting that the high school will never change for the better unless she is there to make it happen. J.D. takes the bomb and dies in the explosion. Veronica takes charge of the high school, dethrones Heather Duke, re-befriends Martha, and invites Heather McNamara to join her in making the school a better place. It’s not too late to be kind (“I Am Damaged”/“Seventeen (Reprise)”). - Kevin Murphy & Deirdre Murphy
Veronica Sawyer......................................BARRETT WILBERT WEED Jason “J.D.” Dean................................................ RYAN McCARTAN Heather Chandler.......................................JESSICA KEENAN WYNN Heather McNamara.............................................. ELLE McLEMORE Heather Duke.................................................................ALICE LEE Martha Dunnstock................................................... KATIE LADNER Kurt Kelly..................................................................... EVAN TODD Ram Sweeney............................................................. JON EIDSON New Wave Party Girl..................................... CHARISSA HOGELAND Young Republicanette............................................CAIT FAIRBANKS Stoner Chick........................................................... RACHEL FLYNN Beleaguered Geek............................................... DUSTIN SULLIVAN Hipster Dork /Officer McCord................................ DAN DOMENECH Preppy Stud /Officer Milner.............................................AJ MEIJER Ram’s Dad/Big Bud Dean/Coach Ripper ......... ANTHONY CRIVELLO Kurt’s Dad/Veronica’s Dad/Principal Gowan........... DANIEL COONEY Veronica’s Mom/Ms. Fleming...............................MICHELLE DUFFY
ORCHESTRA Conductor/Keyboard: DOMINICK AMENDUM Guitars: AUSTIN MOORHEAD Bass: STEVE GILEWSKI Drums: GREG JOSEPH Trumpet/Flugelhorn: JOHN DENT Reeds: STEVE LYON Violin: VICTORIA PATERSON Orchestrations by Laurence O’Keefe and Ben Green Music Direction by Dominick Amendum Produced by Michael Croiter, Kevin Murphy and Laurence O’Keefe Recording Engineer - Isaiah Abolin Edited by Michael Croiter Mixed by Douglas Derryberry Mastered by Michael Fossenkemper Keyboard Programming by Taylor Williams Additional Sound Effects designed by Jonny Massena Recorded at MSR, NYC Edited and Mixed at Yellow Sound Lab, NYC Photography by Chad Batka Album Art Direction by Asaf Shakham Heathers The Musical opened at New World Stages on March 31st, 2014
1. BEAUTIFUL VERONICA September 1, 1989. Dear Diary: I believe I’m a good person. Ya know, I think that there’s good in everyone, but here we are, first day of senior year. I look around at all these kids I’ve known all my life and I ask myself: What happened? KIDS FREAK! SLUT! BURNOUT! BUG-EYES! POSER! LARD-ASS! VERONICA WE WERE SO TINY, HAPPY AND SHINY, PLAYING TAG AND GETTING CHASED.
KIDS FREAK! SLUT! CRIPPLE! HOMO! HOMO! HOMO! VERONICA THINGS WILL GET BETTER SOON AS MY LETTER COMES FROM HARVARD, DUKE OR BROWN. WAKE FROM THIS COMA, TAKE MY DIPLOMA, THEN I CAN BLOW THIS TOWN. DREAM OF IVY-COVERED WALLS AND SMOKY FRENCH CAFÉS...
VERONICA Again? Don’t you have it memorized by now?
KIDS I WANT HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MARTHA What can I say? I’m a sucker for a happy ending.
VERONICA And Heather Chandler. The Almighty.
KURT Martha Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk!
KIDS I NEED HEATHER, HEATHER...
(KURT KELLY knocks the tray from MARTHA’S hands)
VERONICA She is a mythic bitch. They are solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.
VERONICA Kurt Kelly. Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team. Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf.
(Veronica jostles Ram Sweeney)
(furious, to KURT) Hey! Pick that up right now!
KIDS FREAK! SLUT! LOSER! SHORTBUS!
RAM WATCH IT!
KURT I’m sorry, are you actually talking to me?
VERONICA SINGING AND CLAPPING, LAUGHING AND NAPPING, BAKING COOKIES, EATING PASTE.
VERONICA FIGHT THE URGE TO STRIKE A MATCH AND SET THIS DUMP ABLAZE! (Ram upends Veronica’s lunch tray)
VERONICA Yeah, I am. Yeah, I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend? You’re a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant.
KIDS BULL-DYKE! STUCK-UP! HUNCHBACK!
RAM Ooooops.
KURT ...You got a zit right there.
VERONICA THEN WE GOT BIGGER. THAT WAS THE TRIGGER, LIKE THE HUNS INVADING ROME—
VERONICA Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker. And eighth year of smacking lunch trays and BEING A HUGE DICK.
VERONICA Sorry! WELCOME TO MY SCHOOL, THIS AIN’T NO HIGH SCHOOL: THIS IS THE THUNDERDOME. HOLD YOUR BREATH AND COUNT THE DAYS, WE’RE GRADUATING SOON.
RAM What did you say to me, skank?
VERONICA & KIDS (variously) Dear Diary: WHY DO THEY HATE ME? WHY DON’T I FIGHT BACK? WHY DO I ACT LIKE SUCH A CREEP? WHY WON’T HE DATE ME? WHY DID I HIT HIM? WHY DO I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP? SOMEBODY HUG ME! SOMEBODY FIX ME! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! SEND ME A SIGN, GOD! GIVE ME SOME HOPE HERE! SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR!
KIDS WHITE TRASH! VERONICA COLLEGE WILL BE PARADISE IF I’M NOT DEAD BY JUNE! BUT I KNOW, I KNOW, LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. I PRAY, I PRAY FOR A BETTER WAY. IF WE CHANGED BACK THEN, WE COULD CHANGE AGAIN. WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL...
VERONICA ...Nothing. VERONICA & KIDS BUT I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW... LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. I PRAY, I PRAY, I PRAY FOR A BETTER WAY. WE WERE KIND BEFORE; WE CAN BE KIND ONCE MORE. WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL... (Martha approaches) VERONICA Agh! ...Hey, Martha. MARTHA Hey.
(A preppy stud knocks a hipster dork to the floor)
(Martha helps Veronica pick up her tray)
HIPSTER DORK Ow!
VERONICA Martha Dunnstock. My best friend since diapers.
VERONICA JUST NOT TODAY.
MARTHA We on for movie night?
VERONICA Hey, are you okay?
VERONICA Yeah, you’re on Jiffy Pop detail.
HIPSTER DORK Get away, nerd.
MARTHA I rented “The Princess Bride.”
HIPSTER DORK I’d like to be their boyfriend. KIDS THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL... STONER CHICK If I sat at their table, guys would notice me. KIDS SO BEAUTIFUL... MARTHA I’d like them to be nicer. KIDS THAT WOULD BE BEAUTIFUL... BELEAGUERED GEEK I’d like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats! (Veronica enters the girls’ bathroom. Heathers Chandler and McNamara are watching Heather Duke vomit into a toilet) HEATHER CHANDLER Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ‘87. HEATHER MCNAMARA Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather. HEATHER DUKE Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should.
(The three Heathers enter)
(Ms. Fleming enters)
KIDS AH... HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MS. FLEMING Ah, Heather and Heather.
VERONICA Then there’s the Heathers. They float above it all.
(Heather Duke vomits)
KIDS (Repeating) I LOVE HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER.
MS. FLEMING ...and Heather. Perhaps you didn’t hear the bell over all the vomiting. You’re late for class. (Veronica scribbles on a piece of paper)
VERONICA Heather McNamara. Head cheerleader. Her dad’s loaded— he sells engagement rings.
HEATHER CHANDLER Heather wasn’t feeling well. We’re helping her.
KIDS I HATE HEATHER, HEATHER AND HEATHER!
MS. FLEMING Not without a hall pass you’re not. A week’s detention.
VERONICA Heather Duke. Runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants.
VERONICA Actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee.
MS. FLEMING ...I see you’re all listed. Hurry up and get where you’re going. HEATHER CHANDLER This is an excellent forgery. Who are you? VERONICA Veronica Sawyer. I crave a boon. HEATHER CHANDLER What boon? VERONICA Let me sit at your table at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think you guys tolerate me, they’ll leave me alone. ...Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips and absence notes. HEATHER DUKE How about prescriptions? HEATHER CHANDLER Shut up, Heather. HEATHER DUKE Sorry, Heather. (Heather Chandler inspects Veronica’s face) HEATHER CHANDLER For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.
REPUBLICANETTE & NEW WAVE GIRL DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! GET AWAY, PERVERT! BELEAGUERED GEEK WHAT’D I EVER DO TO THEM? KIDS WHO COULD SURVIVE THIS? I CAN’T ESCAPE THIS! I THINK I’M DYING! MS. FLEMING WHO’S THAT WITH HEATHER? (THE HEATHERS enter again...) KIDS Whoa. HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER... NEW WAVE GIRL AND... SOMEONE! KIDS HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER... GOWAN & COACH AND A BABE!
HEATHER MCNAMARA And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I’d have matching halves. That’s very important.
KIDS HEATHER, HEATHER, HEATHER...
HEATHER DUKE Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds.
KIDS VERONICA? VERONICA? VERONICA?!
HEATHER CHANDLER AND YA KNOW, YA KNOW, YA KNOW? THIS COULD BE BEAUTIFUL. MASCARA, MAYBE SOME LIP GLOSS, AND WE’RE ON OUR WAY. GET THIS GIRL SOME BLUSH; AND HEATHER, I NEED YOUR BRUSH. LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL.
(The Heathers part, revealing a smoking hot Veronica who has been given a make-over)
HEATHER MCNAMARA LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... HEATHER DUKE LET’S MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... HEATHER CHANDLER MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL... Okay?
MARTHA VERONICA?!
VERONICA & KIDS (variously) AND YA KNOW, YA KNOW, YA KNOW LIFE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. YOU HOPE, YOU DREAM, YOU PRAY, AND YOU GET YOUR WAY! ASK ME HOW IT FEELS LOOKING LIKE HELL ON WHEELS... MY GOD, IT’S BEAUTIFUL! I MIGHT BE BEAUTIFUL! AND WHEN YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL... IT’S A BEAUTIFUL FRICKIN’ DAY!
(Another day, another hellish lunch)
KIDS HEATHER... VERONICA! HEATHER! HEATHER! HEATHER... VERONICA!
KURT OUT OF MY WAY, GEEK!
VERONICA VERONICA! VERONICA!
BELEAGUERED GEEK I DON’T WANT TROUBLE—
KIDS VERONICA! VERONICA!
VERONICA Okay!
ELLE MCLEMORE, JESSICA KEENAN WYNN, ALICE LEE
RAM YOU’RE GONNA DIE AT 3PM!
2. CANDY
STORE
HEATHER CHANDLER ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM? YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK? YOU’VE COME SO FAR, WHY NOW ARE YOU PULLING ON MY DICK? I’D NORMALLY SLAP YOUR FACE OFF, AND EVERYONE HERE COULD WATCH— BUT I’M FEELING NICE. HERE’S SOME ADVICE: LISTEN UP, BYATCH. HEATHER CHANDLER with HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA (variously) I LIKE LOOKING HOT; BUYING STUFF THEY CANNOT. I LIKE DRINKING HARD; MAXING DAD’S CREDIT CARD. I LIKE SKIPPING GYM; SCARING HER, SCREWING HIM. I LIKE KILLER CLOTHES; KICKING NERDS IN THE NOSE! IF YOU LACK THE BALLS, YOU CAN GO PLAY DOLLS— LET YOUR MOMMY FIX YOU A SNACK. WHOA, WHOA! OR YOU COULD COME SMOKE, POUND SOME RUM AND COKE IN MY PORSCHE WITH THE QUARTERBACK! OH WHOA, OH WHOA, OH WHOA! HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? ALL THREE HEATHERS WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE! TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE YOU’RE NOT A LOSER ANYMORE... THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE! GUYS FALL HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA AT YOUR FEET. HEATHER DUKE BUY YOU STUFF! HEATHER MCNAMARA HELP YOU CHEAT! ALL THREE ALL YOU HEATHER DUKE HAVE TO DO: HEATHER CHANDLER SAY GOODBYE TO SHAMU. ALL THREE THAT FREAK’S HEATHER MCNAMARA NOT YOUR FRIEND.
I CAN TELL, IN THE END, ALL THREE IF SHE
HEATHER CHANDLER Shut up, Heather. CHANDLER
DUKE & MAC
HEATHER DUKE HAD YOUR SHOT,
STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
OH, OH, OH,
ALL THREE SHE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO ROT!
WHOAAAAAAAAA!
TIME FOR YOU TO PROVE
HEATHER MCNAMARA ‘COURSE, IF YOU DON’T CARE, FINE. GO BRAID HER HAIR— MAYBE “SESAME STREET” IS ON.
YOU’RE NOT A LAME-ASS ANYMORE!
HEATHERS CHANDLER & DUKE WHOA, WHOA! HEATHER MCNAMARA OR FORGET THAT CREEP, HEATHER DUKE AND GET IN MY JEEP... HEATHER CHANDLER LET’S GO TEAR UP SOMEONE’S LAWN! HEATHERS DUKE AND MCNAMARA OH WHOA, OH WHOA, OH WHOA! ALL THREE HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? WELCOME TO MY CANDY STORE! YOU JUST GOTTA PROVE YOU’RE NOT A PUSSY ANYMORE... THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
THEN STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!
ALL THREE IT’S MY CANDY STORE, IT’S MY CANDY. (x2) IT’S MY CANDY STORE! (x2)
3. FIGHT
FOR ME
(Throughout this song, J.D. kicks Ram and Kurt’s asses as the shocked students look on. Everyone moves in stylized slow-motion except for Veronica, who moves normally) KIDS HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
VERONICA WHY, WHEN YOU SEE BOYS FIGHT, DOES IT LOOK SO HORRIBLE, YET... FEEL SO RIGHT? I SHOULDN’T WATCH THIS CRAP, CHANDLER DUKE & MAC THAT’S NOT WHO I AM. YOU CAN JOIN OR YOU CAN BITCH BUT WITH THIS KID... THE TEAM... AND MOAN. DAAAAAMN. YOU CAN LIVE OR YOU CAN DIE HEY, THE DREAM... ALONE. MISTER NO-NAME KID, YOU CAN FLY OR IF YOU PREFER, SO WHO MIGHT YOU BE? WITH EAGLES, AND COULD YOU FIGHT FOR ME? AND HEY, KEEP ON TESTING ME COULD YOU FACE THE CROWD, AND END UP AND END UP COULD YOU BE SEEN WITH ME LIKE HER! LIKE HER! AND STILL ACT PROUD? MARTHA HEY, Veronica, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming WOULD YOU HOLD MY HAND? party! This proves he’s been thinking about me! AND COULD YOU CARRY ME THROUGH NO-MAN’S-LAND? VERONICA IT’S FINE IF YOU DON’T AGREE, (lamely) ...Color me stoked. BUT I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU... MARTHA IF YOU WOULD FIGHT FOR ME. I’m so happy. LET THEM DRIVE US UNDERGROUND. HEATHER DUKE I DON’T CARE HOW FAR. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!— YOU CAN SET MY BROKEN BONES HONEY, WHAT YOU WAITING FOR!— AND I KNOW C.P.R. (Chandler shoves Duke aside) ...WELL, WHOA. (During the preceding, the Heathers slip the note onto Martha’s lunch tray. She opens the note and reads it...)
YOU CAN PUNCH REAL GOOD. YOU’VE LASTED LONGER THAN I THOUGHT YOU WOULD. SO HEY, MISTER NO-NAME KID, IF SOME NIGHT YOU’RE FREE... VERONICA KIDS WANNA FIGHT FOR ME?...
HOLY SHIT... (x9)
IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE... I WOULD FIGHT FOR YOU... IF YOU WOULD FIGHT FOR ME.
4. FREEZE
YOUR BRAIN
J.D. I’VE BEEN THROUGH TEN HIGH SCHOOLS. THEY START TO GET BLURRY. NO POINT PLANTING ROOTS, ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONE IN A HURRY. MY DAD KEEPS TWO SUITCASES PACKED IN THE DEN, SO IT’S ONLY A MATTER OF WHEN. I DON’T LEARN THE NAMES, DON’T BOTHER WITH FACES. ALL I CAN TRUST IS THIS CONCRETE OASIS. SEEMS EVERY TIME I’M ABOUT TO DESPAIR, THERE’S A 7-11 RIGHT THERE. EACH STORE IS THE SAME, FROM LAS VEGAS TO BOSTON, LINOLEUM AISLES THAT I LOVE TO GET LOST IN. I PRAY AT MY ALTAR OF SLUSH; YEAH, I LIVE FOR THAT SWEET FROZEN RUSH... (J.D. takes a hit of his frozen drink and grimaces) J.D. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. SUCK ON THAT STRAW, GET LOST IN THE PAIN. HAPPINESS COMES WHEN EVERYTHING NUMBS. WHO NEEDS COCAINE? FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. FREEZE YOUR BRAIN... (J.D. offers the Slurpee to Veronica)
J.D. Not anymore. WHEN MOM WAS ALIVE, WE LIVED HALFWAY NORMAL, BUT NOW IT’S JUST ME AND MY DAD, WE’RE LESS FORMAL. I LEARNED TO COOK PASTA, I LEARNED TO PAY RENT; LEARNED THE WORLD DOESN’T OWE YOU A CENT. YOU’RE PLANNING YOUR FUTURE, VERONICA SAWYER, YOU’LL GO TO SOME COLLEGE, AND MARRY A LAWYER. BUT THE SKY’S GONNA HURT WHEN IT FALLS, SO YOU BETTER START BUILDING SOME WALLS... FREEZE YOUR BRAIN. SWIM IN THE ICE, GET LOST IN THE PAIN. SHUT YOUR EYES TIGHT, TILL YOU VANISH FROM SIGHT, LET NOTHING REMAIN— FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, SHATTER YOUR SKULL, FIGHT PAIN WITH MORE PAIN. FORGET WHO YOU ARE, UNBURDEN YOUR LOAD, FORGET IN SIX WEEKS YOU’LL BE BACK ON THE ROAD. WHEN THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD SAYS YOU’RE BETTER OFF DEAD, DON’T OPEN A VEIN— JUST FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, FREEZE YOUR BRAIN, GO ON AND FREEZE YOUR BRAIN... Try it.
5. BIG
FUN
RAM DAD SAYS “ACT OUR AGE.” YOU HEARD THE MAN, IT’S TIME TO RAGE! ALL BLAST THE BASS, TURN OUT THE LIGHT! HEATHERS AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! RAM DRINK, SMOKE, IT’S ALL COOL. LET’S GET NAKED IN MY POOL!
J.D. Care for a hit?
ALL PUNCH THE WALL AND START A FIGHT! AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
VERONICA Does your mommy know you eat all this crap?
KURT HIS FOLKS GOT A WATERBED. COME UPSTAIRS AND REST YOUR HEAD.
BARRETT WILBERT WEED & RYAN MCCARTAN
RAM LET’S RUB EACH OTHER’S BACKS WHILE WATCHING PORN ON CINEMAX! CHANDLER, KURT, RAM, KIDS THE FOLKS ARE GONE, IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WE’RE UP TILL DAWN HAVING SOME BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WHEN MOM AND DAD FORGET TO LOCK THE LIQUOR CABINET, IT’S BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! VERONICA So wait, it’s lime, then salt, then shot? HEATHER MCNAMARA No, salt, then—
VERONICA THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE— ALL BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! (Kurt holds up a pig piñata with a sign that says “Jefferson Razorbacks”) KURT All right, people! What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday’s game? (Ram mimes sex with the piñata) RAM Gonna make ‘em go WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! WHEE! ALL BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
WE SHOULD— HEATHER CHANDLER SHUT UP, HEATHER. HEATHER DUKE SORRY, HEATHER. HEATHER MCNAMARA LOOK WHO’S WITH HER—OH, MY GOD! (points to VERONICA) ALL THREE HEATHERS DANG! DANG! DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! DANG-DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! VERONICA I can’t believe you actually came. MARTHA It’s exciting, right? Excuse me, I want say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider.
HEATHER CHANDLER You’re doing it wrong!
HEATHER DUKE WAY TO SHOW MATURITY!
VERONICA Really? ‘Cause I feel great.
ALL BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
PREPPY STUD Veronica, you’re looking good tonight!
HEATHER CHANDLER SHOWING UP HERE TOOK SOME GUTS. TIME TO RIP THEM OUT.
(Ram grabs Heather by the hips and does to her what he’s been doing to the piñata)
(Heather Duke holds up the pig piñata)
VERONICA Whoa. A HOT GUY SMILED AT ME, WITHOUT A TRACE OF MOCKERY!
HEATHER DUKE QUIT IT JACKASS, GET OFF OF ME!
HEATHER DUKE WELL, WHO’S THIS PIG REMIND YOU OF? ESPECIALLY THE SNOUT.
ALL BUT VERONICA EVERYONE’S HIGH AS A KITE, AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!
ALL BIG FUN! BIG FUN! VERONICA YO! RAM! EMERGENCY! I just saw some freshmen sneaking over the pool fence!
HEATHER CHANDLER HAH!
VERONICA STONED. ZONED. I SHOULD QUIT... HEY, IS THAT WEED? I WANT A HIT. ALL BUT VERONICA FILL THAT JOINT AND ROLL IT TIGHT, AIN’T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT! VERONICA DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE WHEN PEOPLE LAUGH BUT NOT AT YOU! I’M NOT ALONE! I’M NOT AFRAID! I FEEL LIKE BONO AT LIVE AID! ALL THE HOUSE IS OURS, IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN! LET’S USE THEIR SHOWERS, THAT SOUNDS LIKE BIG FUN! BIG FUN! CRACK OPEN ONE MORE CASE! (Veronica observes a couple making out)
RAM I hate freshmen! Where are ya little pricks? I’m coming for you!... VERONICA (to Heather Duke) You okay? HEATHER DUKE I didn’t need your help. (Heather Duke gives Veronica the finger)
ALL THREE HEATHERS DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! (The Heathers exit with the piñata. Martha approaches Ram) RAM Where the hell are those freshmen? MARTHA Hi, Ram. I wasn’t gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note... (Hands Ram the sparkling cider)
RAM VERONICA What note? Why d’you gotta be so weird all Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don’t the time? People wouldn’t hate you so much need to vomit right now. if you acted normal. (Chugs and spits out the cider) There’s no alcohol in here! Are you ALL trying to poison me? THE PARTY’S HOT, HOT, HOT, IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN! KIDS KURT YOU NEED A JELLO SHOT! ALL WE’RE HAVING BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
VERONICA I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL “THIRD BASE.”
(Martha arrives at the party)
ALL BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN!
HEATHER DUKE HERE COMES THE COOTIE SQUAD.
HEATHER CHANDLER MARTHA DUMPTRUCK, IN THE FLESH.
DANG, DANG, DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! (x3) DIGGETY-DANG-A-DANG! THE FOLKS ARE GONE, IT’S TIME FOR BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WE’RE UP TILL DAWN HAVING SOME BIG FUN! BIG FUN! SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW, THEY’LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO. OUR FOLKS GOT NO CLUE ‘BOUT ALL THE SHIT THEIR CHILDREN DO.
WHY ARE THEY SURPRISED? WHENEVER WE’RE UNSUPERVISED, IT’S BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! BIG FUN! WHOOO!
I’M SNAPPING OFF YOUR WINDOW LOCK. GOT NO TIME TO KNOCK, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
6. DEAD
J.D. Veronica? What are you doing in my room?
GIRL WALKING
VERONICA THE DEMON QUEEN OF HIGH SCHOOL HAS DECREED IT: SHE SAYS MONDAY, 8 AM, I WILL BE DELETED. THEY’LL HUNT ME DOWN IN STUDY HALL, STUFF AND MOUNT ME ON THE WALL; THIRTY HOURS TO LIVE— HOW SHALL I SPEND THEM? I DON’T HAVE TO STAY AND DIE LIKE CATTLE; I COULD CHANGE MY NAME AND RIDE UP TO SEATTLE. BUT I DON’T OWN A MOTORBIKE—WAIT... (Veronica sees J.D. in his bedroom window, getting ready for bed) HERE’S AN OPTION THAT I LIKE: SPEND THOSE THIRTY HOURS GETTIN’... FREAKAY! Yeah! I NEED IT HARD, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING! I’M IN YOUR YARD, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING! BEFORE THEY PUNCH MY CLOCK,
(Veronica climbs in through J.D.’s window)
VERONICA SORRY, BUT I REALLY HAD TO WAKE YOU; SEE, I DECIDED I MUST RIDE YOU TILL I BREAK YOU. ‘CAUSE HEATHER SAYS I GOTS TO GO; YOU’RE MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW. SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND LOSE THEM TIGHTY-WHITIES! COME ON! TONIGHT I’M YOURS, I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING! GET ON ALL FOURS, KISS THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING! LET’S GO, YOU KNOW THE DRILL; I’M HOT AND PISSED AND ON THE PILL. BOW DOWN TO THE WILL OF A DEAD GIRL WALKING! AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, IT’S ‘CAUSE YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU SAY YOU’RE NUMB INSIDE, BUT I CAN’T AGREE. SO THE WORLD’S UNFAIR, KEEP IT LOCKED OUT THERE... IN HERE IT’S BEAUTIFUL.
LET’S MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL! J.D. That works for me— (Veronica kisses him hard. They make out) VERONICA YEAH! FULL STEAM AHEAD! TAKE THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING! J.D. HOW’D YOU FIND MY ADDRESS? VERONICA LET’S BREAK THE BED! ROCK THIS DEAD GIRL WALKING! J.D. I THINK YOU TORE MY MATTRESS! VERONICA NO SLEEP TONIGHT FOR YOU, BETTER CHUG THAT MOUNTAIN DEW! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR, MAKE THIS WHOLE TOWN DISAPPEAR! SLAP ME! PULL MY HAIR, TOUCH ME THERE AND THERE AND THERE BUT NO MORE TALKING! J.D. WHOA, WHOA! HEY, HEY! YEAH, YEAH! VERONICA & J.D. LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL… J.D. WHOA, WHOA! HEY, HEY! WAIT, WAIT! VERONICA LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL… VERONICA & J.D. YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! J.D. OW! VERONICA + J.D. YEAH!!!
7. The
ME INSIDE OF ME
J.D. Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind. What would she say? What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet? VERONICA (writing) “Dear world... BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I KNEW ABOUT FEAR; I KNEW THE WAY LONELINESS STUNG. I HID BEHIND SMILES AND CRAZY HOT CLOTHES; I LEARNED TO KISS BOYS WITH MY TONGUE.” J.D. That’s good. BARRETT WILBERT WEED, CHARISSA HOGELAND & RYAN MCCARTAN
VERONICA “BUT OH, THE WORLD, IT HELD ME DOWN; IT WEIGHED LIKE A CONCRETE PROM QUEEN CROWN.” (Dead Heather Chandler sits up. Only Veronica sees her) HEATHER CHANDLER NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS. NO ONE GETS HER INSECURITY. I AM MORE THAN SHOULDER PADS AND MAKEUP. NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME. ...Jesus, you’re making me sound like Air Supply. J.D. Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops. (Two policemen, McCord and Milner, investigate the crime scene) MCCORD Whoa! Is it murder? MILNER No, look. Here’s a suicide note. VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS “THEY COULDN’T SEE PAST MY ROCK STAR MYSTIQUE, THEY WOULDN’T DARE LOOK IN MY EYES. BUT JUST UNDERNEATH WAS A TERRIFIED GIRL WHO CLINGS TO HER PILLOW AND CRIES! MY LOOKS WERE JUST LIKE PRISON BARS; THEY’VE LEFT ME A MYRIAD OF SCARS.” HEATHER CHANDLER “Myriad.” Nice. (The COPS hand the suicide note to Principal Gowan) VERONICA, HEATHER, COPS “NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL HAS SUBSTANCE. THAT’S THE CURSE OF POPULARITY.” (Gowan reads the note aloud) PRINCIPAL GOWAN “I AM MORE THAN JUST A SOURCE OF HANDJOBS.” VERONICA, HEATHER, GOWAN, COPS “NO ONE SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME.” (The COPS exit. GOWAN joins FLEMING, RIPPER and some FACULTY) PRINCIPAL GOWAN Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide. COACH RIPPER You should cancel classes. PRINCIPAL GOWAN No way, Coach. I send the kids home before lunch and the switchboard’ll light up like a Christmas tree. MS. FLEMING Our children are dying. I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk. And feel. Together.
PRINCIPAL GOWAN Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the shuttle lands.
HEATHER WOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOU!
MS. FLEMING I’m telling you we all misjudged Heather Chandler. This is the loveliest suicide note I’ve ever read.
EVERYBODY NO ONE THINKS A PRETTY GIRL CAN TOUCH YOU...
MS. FLEMING AND HEATHER CHANDLER “BOX UP MY CLOTHING FOR GOODWILL, AND GIVE THE POOR MY NORDIC TRACK. DONATE MY CAR TO CRIPPLED KIDS, OR TO THOSE GHETTO MOMS ON CRACK. GIVE THEM MY HATS AND MY CDS, MY PUMPS AND FLATS, MY THREE TVS!” HEATHER CHANDLER, FACULTY “NO ONE THINKS THE PRETTY GIRL HAS FEELINGS; BUT I WEEP FOR ALL I FAILED TO BE. MAYBE I CAN HELP THE WORLD BY LEAVING; MAYBE THAT’S THE ME INSIDE OF ME.” PRINCIPAL GOWAN Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody! (Teachers cheer, as do arriving students) MS. FLEMING Not so fast, kids. They’re refueling the buses, which gives us a solid half-hour of healing. I’ve mimeographed copies of the suicide note so you can feel Heather’s anguish. HEATHER MCNAMARA I NEVER KNEW ABOUT HER PAIN. MS. FLEMING Go on! HIPSTER DORK HER LIFE HAD HIT A ROCKY PATCH. MS. FLEMING Feel! YOUNG REPUBLICANETTE DEEP DOWN SHE WASN’T CRUEL OR VAIN— MS. FLEMING Heal! KIDS SHE DIDN’T MEAN TO BE A SNATCH! MS. FLEMING Veronica, you’re very quiet. What’s on your mind? VERONICA Uh, maybe Heather realized that in order to be happy she had to give up her power. And the only way to do that was...death. MS. FLEMING My God. LOOK WHAT WE’VE DONE, WE’RE BREAKING THROUGH! JON EIDSON (CENTER) & CAST
KIDS AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU! AND YOU!
RAM YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE. KURT THEY’RE HANGIN’ SADLY. RAM WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU THAT YOU HATE THEM SO?
KURT & RAM WHATEVER YOU REQUIRE THEY’LL DO! SO TAKE ‘EM HOME TO MEET YOUR PARENTS! RAM THEY’LL WEAR A SUIT AND TIE, KURT AND A FANCY COLLAR!
KURT TEACH THEM TO SMILE! RAM, HEATHERS YOU GOT NO CLUE HOW MUCH THESE TWO DEPEND ON YOU— PLEASE HELP THEM THROUGH! KURT & RAM
MAC & DUKE
RAM THEY’LL SING A LULLABY:
MY BALLS ARE IN YOUR COURT!
MY BALLS ARE IN YOUR COURT!
KURT & RAM LIKE A TACKLING DUMMY!
KURT & RAM LA LA LA LA LA! PLEASE MAKE THESE BALLS NOT BLUE,
YEAH! YOU MAKE THEM BALLS SO BLUE!
KURT THEY LONG FOR YOUR EMBRACE!
RAM JUST FOR A WHILE!
HEATHER CHANDLER Holy crap! This is awesome!
RAM THEY’RE WARM LIKE MITTENS!
KURT CAN’T WAIT TILL LATER,
EVERYBODY HEATHER CRIED, OUR SINS FELL ON HER SHOULDERS!
KURT THEY’LL CURL UP ON YOUR FACE
KURT & RAM MY PANTS ARE RUBBIN’ LIKE A HOT CHEESE GRATER!
NEW WAVE GIRL Heather touching me... EVERYBODY BUT SHE’S MADE US BETTER THAN WE WERE. HEATHER’S DEAD, BUT SHE WILL LIVE INSIDE ME. AND I’LL BE THE ME INSIDE OF HER...
HEATHER CHANDLER Jesus Christ! EVERYBODY HEATHER DIED, SO WE COULD ALL BE FREE! HEATHER CHANDLER I’m bigger than John Lennon! KIDS (Variously) HEATHER’S GONE, BUT SHE WILL LIVE FOREVER! SHE’S THE DOVE THAT SINGS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW! SHE’S THE TWIN FROM WHOM I’M SEPARATED! SHE’S THE HORSE I NEVER GOT FOR CHRISTMAS! EVERYBODY HEATHER SEES THE ME INSIDE OF ME! HEATHER IS THE ME INSIDE OF ME! INSIDE OF... ME!
8. BLUE RAM Heyyyyy, ‘Ronica. VERONICA Ugh. You got a left hand? Use it. KURT Don’t talk mean like that. RAM You’ll hurt their feelings. YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE. KURT YOU HURT THEM BADLY.
KURT DON’T RUN FROM ME— THEY’RE ALL BEAT UP
RAM AND PURR LIKE KITTENS!
(Veronica offers a bottle to RAM)
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE THEM OW! OW! BALLS SO BLUE! YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
GOOD GOD!
YOU SHAKE THEM, YOU QUAKE THEM,
MY BALLS!
YOU BREAK—
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
KURT YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE!
VERONICA Look. Booze. Drink!
KURT & RAM JUST LOOK AT THEM GLOW...
KURT Aw, thank you so much!
YOU TAKE THEM,
RAM WE’RE BEGGIN’ YOU!
VERONICA You’re welcome.
LOOKIT! LOOKIT!
YOU BAKE THEM, CHRISSAKE—
KURT & RAM DON’T MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE.
(Kurt & Ram chug from the bottle)
LOOKIT! LOOKIT!
KURT, RAM, MAC, DUKE YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE! PLEASE MAKE THEIR DREAMS COME TRUE, AND MAKE THESE BALLS NOT BLUE!
VERONICA Heather...? Heather...? Open the door. HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA OH NO, OH NO NO NO!
RAM THEY WILL PROTECT YOU, KURT DEFEND YOU, RAM RESPECT YOU,
9. OUR
LOVE IS GOD
RAM HOLD ‘EM!
KURT BABY BABY BABY THEY’RE SO BLUE!
J.D. THEY MADE YOU CRY, BUT THAT WILL END TONIGHT. YOU ARE THE ONLY THING THAT’S RIGHT ABOUT THIS BROKEN WORLD. GO ON AND CRY, BUT WHEN THE MORNING COMES, WE’LL BURN IT DOWN AND THEN WE’LL BUILD THE WORLD AGAIN... OUR LOVE IS GOD.
KURT ENFOLD ‘EM,
RAM MY BALLS WILL WORK FOR YOU.
KURT & RAM AND NEVER LET GO!
VERONICA Are you okay?
KURT THEY WILL OBEY YA!
KURT ONCE YOU WERE GEEKY AND NERDY,
RAM THEY REALLY NEED RESCUE!
RAM BUT THEY KNEW YOU’RE DIRTY.
KURT LIKE PRINCESS LEIA!
J.D. I WAS ALONE. I WAS A FROZEN LAKE. BUT THEN YOU MELTED ME AWAKE; SEE, NOW I’M CRYING TOO. YOU’RE NOT ALONE.
KURT YOU’VE SET THEM ON FIRE,
KURT & RAM BABY, YOU GOTS TO COME THROUGH.
VERONICA YOU’RE NOT ALONE...
VERONICA Open the door! HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA OH NO, OH NO NO NO! KURT YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUE, SO PLEASE SAY HELLO!
KURT BEFRIEND YOU— RAM LIKE WINNIE-THE-POOH! HEATHERS DUKE & MCNAMARA WINNIE-THE-POOH!
ANTHONY CRIVELLO & DANIEL COONEY
J.D. AND WHEN THE MORNING COMES,
VERONICA Ich Luge...? What?
VERONICA WHEN THE MORNING COMES...
J.D. My granddad scored them in World War II. They contain a powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis used them to fake their own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin. We will use them to knock out Ram and Kurt long enough to make it look like a suicide pact. Complete with a forged suicide note.
J.D. WE’LL BURN AWAY THAT TEAR, AND RAISE OUR CITY HERE... VERONICA RAISE OUR CITY HERE... J.D. & VERONICA OUR LOVE IS GOD. (Veronica’s house. J.D. watches as Veronica calls Kurt and Ram on the phone.) KURT Yeah-lo? VERONICA Hi, Kurt, it’s Veronica... how did you guys know it’s always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once? KURT Wowuhh... lucky guess? VERONICA If you want it to come true, meet me at the cemetery. At dawn. (Veronica hangs up) KURT Free pussy! RAM And we don’t even have to buy it a pizza! (They punch it in and exit) J.D. WE CAN START AND FINISH WARS, J.D. AND VERONICA WE’RE WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS. WE’RE THE ASTEROID THAT’S OVERDUE. THE DINOSAURS CHOKED ON THE DUST, THEY DIED BECAUSE GOD SAID THEY MUST. THE NEW WORLD NEEDED ROOM FOR ME AND YOU. J.D. I WORSHIP YOU. I’D TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS. THEY ALL WILL DISAPPEAR, WE’LL PLANT OUR GARDEN HERE: OUR LOVE IS GOD. J.D. & VERONICA (Variously, repeats) OUR LOVE IS GOD.
(Lights up on Kurt and Ram embracing) KURT & RAM “Ram and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a misapproving world.” J.D. AND WHEN THE MORNING COMES, THEY’LL BOTH BE LAUGHING STOCKS... J.D. AND VERONICA SO LET’S GO HUNT SOME JOCKS! (Cemetery at dawn. Kurt and Ram wait for Veronica) KURT Hi... Veronica. RAM Uh... so do we just whip it out or what? VERONICA Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me. KURT What about you? VERONICA I was hoping you’d rip my clothes off me, sport. Count of three. (Kurt and Ram stand awkwardly in their underpants. Ram giggles in anticipation) VERONICA One... two... J.D. Three. (J.D. steps out and shoots Ram. Veronica fires at Kurt, missing him. Kurt runs) KURT Aaaugh! Holy crap! J.D. Stay there, I’ll get him! (Veronica, suddenly worried, kicks Ram with her foot) VERONICA Ram? You’re just unconscious, right? Ram? Ram!
(J.D. opens a box and pulls out two pistols. Veronica stares in horrified fascination)
(J.D. chases Kurt, who tries to escape by scaling a chain-link fence)
VERONICA Whoa. Is that real?
J.D. Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!
J.D. Yeah, but we’re filling it with “Ich Luge” bullets.
KURT I don’t understand!
J.D. WE CAN START AND FINISH WARS. WE’RE WHAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS. WE’RE THE ASTEROID THAT’S OVERDUE.
VERONICA OUR LOVE IS GOD...
KURT Stop being a dick!
VERONICA OUR LOVE IS GOD...
J.D. THE DINOSAURS WILL TURN TO DUST.
J.D. AND VERONICA OUR LOVE IS GOD!...
KURT What does that mean?!
10. MY
J.D. THEY’LL DIE BECAUSE WE SAY THEY MUST.
RAM’S DAD You wait just a minute, Paul! It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours that makes this word a place our boys could not live in! THEY WERE NOT DIRTY! THEY WERE NOT WRONG! THEY WERE TWO LONELY VERSES IN THE LORD’S GREAT SONG!
(J.D. fires; Kurt dies. Veronica runs up) VERONICA What the fuck have you done?! J.D. ...I WORSHIP YOU. I’D TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS. WE’LL MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR. WE’LL PLANT OUR GARDEN HERE. (J.D. holds out his hand) J.D. OUR LOVE IS GOD. (Repeats. J.D. folds Veronica in his arms as she sobs in shock and horror)
J.D. OUR LOVE IS GOD.
DEAD GAY SON
KURT’S DAD Our boys were pansies, Bill! RAM’S DAD YES! MY BOY’S A HOMOSEXUAL, AND THAT DON’T SCARE ME NONE— I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW... I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON! I’ve been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines. And it’s time we opened our eyes.
CONGREGATION WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! THEY WERE NOT DIRTY—WHOA! AND NOT PERVERSE—NO, NO! THEY WERE TWO STRAY RHINESTONES ON THE LORD’S BIG PURSE!
WELL, THE GOOD LORD MADE THE UNIVERSE, THE LORD CREATED MAN. AND I BELIEVE IT’S ALL A PART OF HIS GIGANTIC PLAN. I KNOW GOD HAS A REASON FOR EACH MOUNTAIN AND EACH FLOWER, AND WHY HE CHOSE TO LET OUR BOYS GET BUSY IN THE SHOWER! THEY WERE NOT DIRTY— THEY WERE NOT FRUITS! THEY WERE JUST TWO STRAY LACES IN THE LORD’S BIG BOOTS. WELL, I NEVER CARED FOR HOMOS MUCH UNTIL I REARED ME ONE, BUT NOW I’VE LEARNED TO LOVE... I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON!
BOTH DADS OUR JOB IS NOW CONTINUING THE WORK THAT THEY BEGUN! CONGREGATION ‘CAUSE NOW WE LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! WE LOVE YOUR DEAD— BOTH DADS THEY’RE UP THERE DISCO DANCING TO THE THUMP OF ANGEL WINGS! THEY GRAB A MATE AND ROLLER SKATE WHILE JUDY GARLAND SINGS! THEY LIVE A PLAYFUL AFTERLIFE THAT’S FANCY-FREE AND RECKLESS!
CONGREGATION HE LOVES HIS SON, HE LOVES HIS SON! HIS DEAD GAY SON!
KURT’S DAD THEY SWING UPON THE PEARLY GATES—
RAM’S DAD NOW, I SAY MY BOY’S IN HEAVEN AND HE’S TANNING BY THE POOL. THE CHERUBIM WALK HIM AND HIM, AND JESUS SAYS IT’S COOL!! THEY DON’T HAVE CRIME OR HATRED, THERE’S NO BIGOTRY OR CURSIN’— JUST FRIENDLY FELLOWS DRESSED UP LIKE THEIR FAV’RITE VILLAGE PERSON! THEY WERE NOT DIRTY— THEY JUST HAD FLAIR! THEY WERE TWO BRIGHT RED RIBBONS IN THE LORD’S LONG HAIR. WELL, I USED TO SEE A HOMO AND GO REACHIN’ FOR MY GUN, BUT NOW I’VE LEARNED TO LOVE... AND FURTHERMORE!— (to Kurt’s dad) THESE BOYS WERE BRAVE AS HELL! THESE BOYS, THEY KNEW DAMN WELL! THOSE FOLKS WOULD JUDGE ‘EM, THEY WERE DESPERATE TO BE FREE! THEY TOOK A REBEL STANCE, STRIPPED TO THEIR UNDERPANTS! PAUL, I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU STILL REFUSE TO GET A CLUE, AFTER ALL THAT WE BEEN THROUGH— I’M TALKING YOU AND ME!
BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION AND WEAR A PEARLY NECKLACE! WHOO! THEY WERE NOT DIRTY! THEY WERE GOOD MEN! AND NOW THEY’RE HAPPY BEAR CUBS IN THE LORD’S BIG DEN! BOTH DADS GO FORTH AND LOVE EACH OTHER NOW, LIKE OUR BOYS WOULD HAVE DONE. EVERYONE WE’LL TEACH THE WORLD TO LOVE... BOTH DADS I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON! MY SON! MY SON! CONGREGATION NOT HALF BAD, YOUR DEAD GAY SON! WISH I HAD YOUR DEAD GAY SON! THANK YOU, DAD, FOR YOUR... BOTH DADS & CONGREGATION DEAD GAY SON!
11. SEVENTEEN VERONICA FINE! WE’RE DAMAGED. REALLY DAMAGED. BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE US WISE. WE’RE NOT SPECIAL. WE’RE NOT DIFFERENT. WE DON’T CHOOSE WHO LIVES OR DIES. LET’S BE NORMAL. SEE BAD MOVIES, SNEAK A BEER AND WATCH TV. WE’LL BAKE BROWNIES,
RAM’S DAD In the summer of ‘83. (Congregation gasps) KURT’S DAD That... was one hell of a fishing trip. (A long beat. Kurt’s dad approaches Ram’s dad and kisses him, hard. They embrace.) BARRETT WILBERT WEED & RYAN MCCARTAN
OR GO BOWLING— DON’T YOU WANT A LIFE WITH ME? CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN? THAT’S ALL I WANT TO DO. IF YOU COULD LET ME IN, I COULD BE GOOD WITH YOU. PEOPLE HURT US... J.D. OR THEY VANISH... VERONICA AND YOU’RE RIGHT, THAT REALLY BLOWS. BUT WE LET GO... J.D. TAKE A DEEP BREATH... VERONICA THEN GO BUY SOME SUMMER CLOTHES. WE’LL GO CAMPING... J.D. PLAY SOME POKER... VERONICA AND WE’LL EAT SOME CHILI FRIES. MAYBE PROM NIGHT... J.D. MAYBE DANCING... VERONICA DON’T STOP LOOKING IN MY EYES... J.D. YOUR EYES... VERONICA & J.D. CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN? IS THAT SO HARD TO DO? IF YOU COULD LET ME IN, I COULD BE GOOD WITH YOU. LET US BE SEVENTEEN, IF WE’VE STILL GOT THE RIGHT. VERONICA SO, WHAT’S IT GONNA BE? I WANNA BE WITH YOU— J.D. I WANNA BE WITH YOU... VERONICA WANNA BE WITH YOU, VERONICA & J.D. TONIGHT! VERONICA YEAH, WE’RE DAMAGED. J.D. BADLY DAMAGED,
J.D. EVEN CLOSER... VERONICA I’LL STAY IF I’M WHAT YOU CHOOSE. J.D. CAN’T WE BE SEVENTEEN... VERONICA IF I AM WHAT YOU CHOOSE... J.D. IF WE’VE STILL GOT THE RIGHT... VERONICA ‘CAUSE YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE. J.D. YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE. VERONICA & J.D. YOU’RE THE ONE I CHOOSE.
12. SHINE
A LIGHT
MS. FLEMING DEEP INSIDE OF EVERYONE THERE’S A HOT BALL OF SHAME. GUILT, REGRETS, ANXIETY, FEARS WE DARE NOT NAME. BUT IF WE SHOW THE UGLY PARTS THAT WE HIDE AWAY, THEY TURN OUT TO BE BEAUTIFUL BY THE LIGHT OF DAY! WHY NOT: FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR! LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW, AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR! SHINE, SHINE, SHINE, AND YOUR SCARS AND YOUR FLAWS WILL LOOK LOVELY BECAUSE YOU SHINE, YOU SHINE A LIGHT! STUDENTS & FACULTY SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT! (2x) STONER CHICK EVERY DAY’S A BATTLEFIELD WHEN PRIDE’S ON THE LINE. PREPPY STUD I ATTACK YOUR WEAKNESSES, STONER, PREPPY, FLEMING AND PRAY YOU DON’T SEE MINE! BELEAGUERED GEEK BUT IF I SHARE MY UGLY PARTS,
VERONICA & J.D. BUT YOUR LOVE’S TOO GOOD TO LOSE.
BELEAGUERED GEEK, NEW WAVE GIRL AND YOU SHOW ME YOURS, OUR LOVE CAN KNOCK OUR WALLS DOWN,
VERONICA HOLD ME TIGHTER...
FLEMING, PREP, STONER, WAVE, GEEK AND UNLOCK ALL OUR DOORS!
FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR! LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW, AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR! MS. FLEMING WHO WANTS TO SHARE WHAT’S IN THEIR HEART? NO VOLUNTEERS? FINE, I’LL START: MY NAME’S PAULINE. I LIVE ALONE. MY HUSBAND LEFT,MY KIDS ARE GROWN. IN THE SIXTIES LOVE WAS FREE; THAT DID NOT WORK OUT WELL FOR ME. THE REVOLUTION CAME AND WENT; TRIED TO CHANGE THE WORLD, BARELY MADE A DENT. I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH DESPAIR; I’VE JOINED A CULT, CHOPPED OFF MY HAIR, I CHANT, I PRAY, BUT GOD’S NOT THERE— (to someone in the audience) SO STEVE, I’M ENDING OUR AFFAIR! ...And I faked it. Every single time. (deep, cleansing breath) Whew! That felt fan-frickin’-tastic! One, two, take me home, kids! FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT ON YOUR DEEPEST FEAR! LET IN SUNLIGHT NOW, AND YOUR PAIN WILL DISAPPEAR! SHINE, SHINE, SHINE, AND YOUR SCARS AND YOUR FLAWS WILL LOOK LOVELY BECAUSE YOU SHINE... MS. FLEMING YOU SHINE...YOU SHINE A LIGHT! FLEMING, STUDENTS & FACULTY SHINE, SHINE, SHINE A LIGHT! (repeat 6x) SHINE A LIGHT! YEAH!
13. LIFEBOAT HEATHER MCNAMARA I FLOAT IN A BOAT ON A RAGING BLACK OCEAN. LOW IN THE WATER AND NOWHERE TO GO. THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT, WITH PEOPLE I KNOW. COLD, CLAMMY AND CROWDED, THE PEOPLE SMELL DESPERATE. WE’LL SINK ANY MINUTE, SO SOMEONE MUST GO. THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT, WITH PEOPLE I KNOW.
15. KINDERGARTEN
PLAYING KICKBALL. KISSED ME QUICK, THEN PRESSED IT IN MY HAND. I KEPT THAT SCAB AND PUT IT IN A LOCKET. ALL YEAR LONG I WORE IT NEAR MY HEART. HE DIDN’T CARE IF I WAS THIN OR PRETTY, AND HE WAS MINE UNTIL WE HIT FIRST GRADE. OO OO OO OO, OO OO OO OO OO... THEN HE WOKE UP. LAST NIGHT I DREAMED A HORSE WITH WINGS FLEW DOWN INTO MY HOMEROOM. ON ITS BACK,THERE HE SAT, AND HE HELD OUT HIS ARMS. SO WE SAILED ABOVE THE GYM, ACROSS THE FACULTY PARKING LOT: MY KINDERGARTEN BOYFRIEND AND I... AND A HORSE WITH WINGS. NOW WE’RE ALL GROWN-UP AND WE KNOW BETTER. NOW WE RECOGNIZE THE WAY THINGS ARE: CERTAIN BOYS ARE JUST FOR KINDERGARTEN, CERTAIN GIRLS ARE MEANT TO BE ALONE. (We see Martha is standing on a bridge) BUT I BELIEVE THAT ANY DREAM WORTH HAVING IS A DREAM THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE TO END. SO I’LL BUILD A DREAM THAT I CAN LIVE IN, AND THIS TIME I’M NEVER WAKING UP... AND WE’LL SOAR ABOVE THE TREES, OVER CARS AND CROQUET LAWNS. PAST THE CHURCH, AND THE LAKE, AND THE TRI-COUNTY MALL. WE WILL FLY THROUGH THE DAWN, TO A NEW KINDERGARTEN... WHERE NAP-TIME IS CENTURIES LONG. OO OO OO OO OO... OO OO OO OO OO... OO OO OO OO OO OO OO, OO OO.
BOYFRIEND
16. YO, GIRL
MARTHA THERE WAS A BOY I MET IN KINDERGARTEN. HE WAS SWEET, HE SAID THAT I WAS SMART. HE WAS GOOD AT SPORTS AND PEOPLE LIKED HIM. AND AT NAP TIME ONCE WE SHARED A MAT. I DIDN’T SLEEP, I SAT AND WATCHED HIM BREATHING; WATCHED HIM DREAM FOR NEARLY HALF AN HOUR. OO OO OO OO, OO OO OO OO OO... THEN HE WOKE UP. HE PULLED A SCAB OFF ONE TIME
HEATHER DUKE Martha Dumptruck took a belly-flop off the Old Mill Bridge last night holding a suicide note.
EVERYONE’S PUSHING, EVERYONE’S FIGHTING, STORMS ARE APPROACHING, THERE’S NOWHERE TO HIDE! IF I SAY THE WRONG THING OR I WEAR THE WRONG OUTFIT THEY’LL THROW ME RIGHT OVER THE SIDE! I’M HUGGING MY KNEES, AND THE CAPTAIN IS POINTING. WELL, WHO MADE HER CAPTAIN? STILL, THE WEAKEST MUST GO. THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT, FULL OF PEOPLE I KNOW. THE TINIEST LIFEBOAT, FULL OF PEOPLE I KNOW.
14. SHINE A LIGHT (REPRISE) (Heather McNamara struggles to open the pill bottle) HEATHER MCNAMARA Stupid child-proof caps! HEATHER DUKE & KIDS (Variously) AW, LOOK, HEATHER’S GOING TO— WHINE, WHINE, WHINE ALL NIGHT! YOU DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE. WHY NOT KILL YOURSELF? HERE, HAVE A SEDATIVE! WHINE, WHINE, WHINE! LIKE THERE’S NO SANTA CLAUS. YOU’RE PATHETIC BECAUSE YOU WHINE— YOU WHINE ALL NIGHT! YOUR ASS IS OFF THE TEAM. GO ON AND BITCH AND MOAN. YOU DON’T DESERVE THE DREAM... YOU’RE GONNA DIE ALONE! DIE ALONE! (x4)
VERONICA Oh my God. Is she—? HEATHER DUKE Just some broken bones. Just another geek trying to imitate the popular people and failing miserably. DEAD KIDS YO, GIRL. KEEP IT TOGETHER. I KNEW YOU WOULD COME FAR. NOW YOU’RE TRULY A HEATHER. KATIE LADNER
SMELL HOW GANGSTA YOU ARE. (Lights up on Martha in a hospital bed) VERONICA Martha, I’m so sorry. DEAD KIDS YO, GIRL. FEEL A BIT PUNCHY? SHE’S NOT LOOKING SO WELL... STILL, YOU’VE EARNED THAT RED SCRUNCHIE. COME JOIN HEATHER IN HELL. (Lights change, Veronica runs into Mom and Dad) DAD Where have you been? MOM We’ve been worried sick. Your friend J.D. stopped by. He told us everything. VERONICA ... Everything? DAD Your depression. Your thoughts of suicide. MOM He even showed us your copy of “Moby Dick.” HEATHER CHANDLER He’s got your handwriting down cold. MOM Please, honey—talk to us. VERONICA No, you wouldn’t understand. MOM Try me. I’ve experienced everything you’re going through right now. DEAD KIDS GUESS WHO’S RIGHT DOWN THE BLOCK? MOM Your problems seem like life and death. DEAD KIDS GUESS WHO’S CLIMBING THE STAIRS? MOM I promise, they’re not. DEAD KIDS GUESS WHO’S PICKING YOUR LOCK? VERONICA You don’t know what my world looks like. DEAD KIDS TIME’S UP. GO SAY YOUR PRAYERS (Veronica barricades herself in her closet) VERONICA’S RUNNING ON, RUNNING ON FUMES NOW. VERONICA’S TOTALLY FRIED. VERONICA’S GOTTA BE TRIPPIN’ ON ‘SHROOMS NOW, THINKING THAT SHE CAN HIDE. VERONICA’S DONE FOR,
THERE’S NO DOUBT NOW, NOTIFY NEXT OF KIN. VERONICA’S TRYING TO KEEP HIM OUT NOW. TOO LATE—HE GOT IN.
POUR OUT THE DOORS. BRING MARSHMALLOWS, WE’LL MAKE S’MORES! WE CAN SMILE AND CUDDLE WHILE THE FIRE ROARS!
CHEEK TO CHEEK IN HELL WITH A DEAD GIRL WALKING!
J.D. Knock knock! Sorry to come in through the window. Dreadful etiquette, I know.
J.D. & DEAD KIDS I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS! WE WERE MEANT TO BE ONE! I CAN’T MAKE IT ALONE! FINISH WHAT WE’VE BEGUN! YOU WERE MEANT TO BE MINE! I AM ALL THAT YOU NEED! YOU CARVED OPEN MY HEART, CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME TO BLEED! VERONICA, OPEN THE, OPEN THE DOOR PLEASE, VERONICA, OPEN THE DOOR. VERONICA, CAN WE NOT FIGHT ANYMORE PLEASE, CAN WE NOT FIGHT ANYMORE? VERONICA, SURE, YOU’RE SCARED, I’VE BEEN THERE. I CAN SET YOU FREE! VERONICA, DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE. I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE! ONE! TWO! FUCK IT! (J.D. kicks open the closet door. Veronica dangles from an improvised bedsheet noose)
MS. FLEMING Veronica! Jason Dean told us you’d just committed suicide.
VERONICA Get out of my house!
17. Meant
to be yours
J.D. All is forgiven, baby! Come out and get dressed! You’re my date to the pep rally tonight! YOU CHUCKED ME OUT LIKE I WAS TRASH, FOR THAT YOU SHOULD BE DEAD— BUT! BUT! BUT! THEN IT HIT ME LIKE A FLASH: WHAT IF HIGH SCHOOL WENT AWAY INSTEAD? THOSE ASSHOLES ARE THE KEY! THEY’RE KEEPING YOU AWAY FROM ME! THEY MADE YOU BLIND, MESSED UP YOUR MIND, BUT I CAN SET YOU FREE! YOU LEFT ME AND I FELL APART, I PUNCHED THE WALL AND CRIED— BAM! BAM! BAM! THEN I FOUND YOU’D CHANGED MY HEART AND SET LOOSE ALL THAT TRUTHFUL SHIT INSIDE! AND SO I BUILT A BOMB; TONIGHT OUR SCHOOL IS VIETNAM! LET’S GUARANTEE THEY’LL NEVER SEE THEIR SENIOR PROM! I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS! WE WERE MEANT TO BE ONE! DON’T GIVE UP ON ME NOW! FINISH WHAT WE’VE BEGUN! I WAS MEANT TO BE YOURS! SO WHEN THE HIGH SCHOOL GYM GOES BOOM WITH EVERYONE INSIDE— PCHW! PCHW! PCHW! IN THE RUBBLE OF THEIR TOMB WE’LL PLANT THIS NOTE EXPLAINING WHY THEY DIED! J.D. & DEAD KIDS “We, the students of Westerberg High will die. Our burnt bodies may finally get through to you. Your society churns out slaves and blanks. No thanks. Signed, The Students of Westerberg High...Goodbye.” J.D. WE’LL WATCH THE SMOKE
J.D. Oh my God...No... Veronica... PLEASE, DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE... YOU WERE ALL I COULD TRUST... I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE... J.D. & DEAD KIDS STILL, I WILL IF I MUST!
18. DEAD GIRL WALKING (REPRISE) VERONICA I WANTED SOMEONE STRONG WHO COULD PROTECT ME. I LET HIS ANGER FESTER AND INFECT ME. HIS SOLUTION IS A LIE; NO ONE HERE DESERVES TO DIE, EXCEPT FOR ME AND THE MONSTER I CREATED!... YEAH... YEAH! HEADS UP, J.D! I’M A DEAD GIRL WALKING! All BUT VERONICA HEY YO WESTERBERG! VERONICA CAN’T HIDE FROM ME! I’M YOUR DEAD GIRL WALKING! All BUT VERONICA HEY YO WESTERBERG! VERONICA AND THERE’S YOUR FINAL BELL, IT’S ONE MORE DANCE AND THEN FAREWELL,
HEATHER MCNAMARA COME ON, WESTERBERG! HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO NOW!
VERONICA Yeah well, he’s wrong about a lot of things. MS. FLEMING I threw together a lovely tribute. Especially given the short notice. VERONICA Ms. Fleming, what’s under the gym? MS. FLEMING The boiler room. VERONICA That’s it! MS. FLEMING Veronica, what’s going on? VERONICA GOT NO TIME TO TALK, I’M A DEAD GIRL... WALKING! STUDENTS AND CHEERLEADERS HEY YO WESTERBERG! HEY YO WESTERBERG! TELL ME WHAT’S THAT SOUND? HERE COMES WESTERBERG COMIN’ TO PUT YOU IN THE GROUND! GO GO WESTERBERG, GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL, WESTERBERG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL! (The boiler room. J.D. Is planting a bomb; Veronica enters) VERONICA Step away from the bomb. J.D. (laughs) This little thing? I’d hardly call this a bomb. This is just to set off the packs of thermals upstairs in the gym. Those are bombs. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerberg and say there’s a school that self-destructed not because society didn’t care, but because that school was society. The only place Heathers and Marthas can truly get along is in Heaven! VERONICA I WISH YOUR MOM HAD BEEN A LITTLE STRONGER. I WISH SHE’D STAYED AROUND A LITTLE LONGER. I WISH YOUR DAD WERE GOOD, I WISH GROWNUPS UNDERSTOOD;
I WISH WE’D MET BEFORE THEY CONVINCED YOU LIFE IS WAR. I WISH YOU’D COME WITH ME— J.D. I WISH I HAD MORE TNT. (WHAM! Veronica whacks J.D.’s gun hand with the croquet mallet) J.D. Aah! Jesus! (J.D. and Veronica scramble for the gun) KIDS, CHEERLEADERS HEY YO WESTERBERG! TELL ME WHAT’S THAT SOUND? HERE COMES WESTERBERG, COMIN’ TO PUT YOU IN THE GROUND! GO GO WESTERBERG, GIVE A GREAT BIG YELL! WESTERBERG WILL KNOCK YOU OUT AND SEND YOU STRAIGHT TO— (BANG! They lock eyes. Someone just got shot)
19. I
AM DAMAGED
J.D. I AM DAMAGED. FAR TOO DAMAGED. BUT YOU’RE NOT BEYOND REPAIR. STICK AROUND HERE. MAKE THINGS BETTER. ’CAUSE YOU BEAT ME FAIR AND SQUARE. (J.D. takes the bomb from Veronica) J.D. PLEASE STAND BACK NOW. ...LITTLE FURTHER. DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS THING WILL DO. HOPE YOU MISS ME. WISH YOU’D KISS ME. THEN YOU’D KNOW I WORSHIP YOU. I’LL TRADE MY LIFE FOR YOURS. VERONICA OH MY GOD— J.D. AND ONCE I DISAPPEAR, VERONICA WAIT, HOLD ON— J.D. CLEAN UP THE MESS DOWN HERE. VERONICA NOT THIS WAY... J.D. OUR LOVE IS GOD. (x5) VERONICA SAY HI TO GOD. (Explosion and blackout. Lights up on Westerberg students and faculty, drawn by the noise. Veronica enters, face blackened, hair frazzled, jacket singed. Heather Duke
and Heather McNamara rush up) HEATHER MCNAMARA Where have you been? People were saying you killed yourself.
VERONICA, MARTHA, GUYS MAC, GIRLS BUT LET’S KICK BACK TONIGHT!
AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
HEATHER DUKE You look like hell.
LET’S GO BE SEVENTEEN,
YOU KNOW...
VERONICA I just got back.
WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL.
(She removes Heather Duke’s red scrunchie and ties it around her own hair)
TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND DANCE.
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
ACT LIKE WE’RE ALL STILL KIDS,
YOU KNOW...
CAUSE THIS COULD BE
CAUSE THIS COULD BE
OUR FINAL
OUR FINAL...
CHANCE!
AND YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
ALWAYS BE SEVENTEEN,
YOU KNOW...
HEATHER DUKE Hey! What are you doing?
20. SEVENTEEN
(REPRISE)
VERONICA LISTEN UP, FOLKS. WAR IS OVER. BRAND NEW SHERIFF’S COME TO TOWN. WE ARE DONE WITH ACTING EVIL, WE WILL LAY OUR WEAPONS DOWN. WE’RE ALL DAMAGED, WE’RE ALL FRIGHTENED. WE’RE ALL FREAKS, BUT THAT’S ALL RIGHT. WE’LL ENDURE IT. WE’LL SURVIVE IT. MARTHA, ARE YOU FREE TONIGHT? (Martha enters in a motorized wheelchair) MARTHA What? VERONICA My date for the pep rally kind of blew... me off. So I was wondering if you weren’t doing anything tonight, maybe we could pop some Jiffy Pop, rent some new releases? ...Something with a happy ending? MARTHA Are there any happy endings? VERONICA I CAN’T PROMISE NO MORE HEATHERS. HIGH SCHOOL MAY NOT EVER END. STILL, I MISS YOU. I’D BE HONORED IF YOU’D LET ME BE YOUR FRIEND... MARTHA MY FRIEND... (Martha takes Veronica’s hand) VERONICA, MARTHA WE CAN BE SEVENTEEN, WE CAN LEARN HOW TO CHILL. (Veronica offers a hand to McNamara) IF NO ONE LOVES ME NOW, SOMEDAY SOMEBODY WILL. WE CAN BE SEVENTEEN, STILL TIME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. ONE DAY WE’LL CHANGE THE WORLD... (Heather McNamara joins, forming a trio)
WE CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. CELEBRATE, YOU AND I.
YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE WE WON’T GROW OLD,
YOU KNOW...
ALL AND MAYBE THEN WE’LL NEVER DIE! WE’LL MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL! (x2) BEAUTIFUL! (x4)
