THE PURE AND THE IMPURE Colette Translated by Herma Briffault Introduced by Judit Turman
Introduction Te Pure and te Im!ure is an in"esti#ation into te nature and la$s of te erotic life% It ta&es te form of a classical dialectic'a series of dialo#ues( inters!ersed $it narrati"e and commentary( commentary( bet$een a trut see&er named )Colette) and a series of informants $om se describes as )restless #osts unreco"ered from $ounds sustained in te !ast $en tey crased eadlon# or sidelon# a#ainst tat barrier reef( mysterious and incom!reensible( te uman body%) Tou# Colette drafted te $or& in late middle a#e( and re$rote it a decade later( er )#osts) belon# to te last fin de siècle, te !eriod of er i# yout( and of er comin# of a#e as a $riter% Tis $as an era of fairly ysterical miso#yny( miso#yny( $en male autorities from te most reactionary to te most a"ant*#arde $ere aunted by te s!ecter of an )emasculatin#) and )"irili+ed) Ne$ ,oman'a ,oman'a fi#ure $o( $it t$o oter im!ure sub"ersi"es( te Je$ and te omose-ual'treatened to corru!t te old fi-ed cate#ories of national identity and #ender at a moment m oment $en all &inds of oter sacred )truts) $ere bein# discredited% Colette $as ne"er a !olitical re"olutionary( re"olutionary( and certainly not a feminist( tou# se $ould describe erself !roudly( !roudly( in er final memoir( The Blue Lantern, as )an erotic militant%) Her militancy too& te form .in life as in art/
of a re"olt a#ainst any normati"e norm ati"e standards for desire( and a#ainst all sentimentality in te carnal domain% )Carlotte() te older $oman $om Colette encounters in a Parisian o!ium den at te be#innin# of The Pure and $o')eroically() in Colette0s "ie$'fa&es an or#asm for the Impure, and $o')eroically() te benefit of er frail f rail youn# lo"er( sums u! te autor0s "ie$ concisely1 )I0m de"oted to tat boy( $it all my eart% But $at is te eart( madame2 It0s $ort less tan !eo!le tin&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#% It acce!ts anytin#% 4ou #i"e it $ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But te body% body% % % Ha5 Tat0s sometin# sometin# else( a#ain%) Probably no one &ne$ more tan Colette about te !redicament of a ser"ile eart tat selflessly !um!s life trou# an im!erious body( body( and se as&s us to read The Pure and the Impure as er definiti"e $ord on te sub6ect')my !ersonal contribution to te sum total of our &no$led#e of te senses%) But tat intri#uin# if rater #randiose instruction needs some !ers!ecti"e% If Colette0s militancy is limited to te boudoir( boudoir( se is also one of te first modern $riters to su##est tat )male) and )female) are sub6ecti"e assi#nments( and tat a society $ic #rants te !ri"ile#e of )doin#) or )bein# done to) e-clusi"ely to one se- or te oter $ar!s its youn#% A cild of eiter se-( se !ercei"es( as ur#es to !enetrate( de"our( and !ossess7 to be cerised( dominated( and contained% Te se-ual se-ual !redators( sla"es( casualties( altruists( and im!ersonators $om se describes in The Pure and the Impure .and trou#out er oeuvre) oeuvre) a"e been forced to deny or renounce te forbidden as!ects of temsel"es'$ic are( !ut sim!ly( sim!ly( teir im!ure true feelin#s% Purity and im!urity $ould a"e been Cristian notions for Colette( es!ecially as tey a!!ly to $omen( but se defiantly inter!rets tem in er o$n !a#an terms% At one !oint( se admits tat se doesn0t understand te meanin# of te $ord )!ure) at all( tou# )in te !ictures it e"o&es( I construct a refu#e for myself%) 8 But from oter sources( one infers tat !urity( !urity( for Colette( is a !rela!sarian state state of armony en6oyed by $ild animals( flora( birds of !rey( !rey( certain socio!ats( and by ordinary umans only as fetuses% To be !ure means to be unindered by any conscious bonds of need or de!endence( or by any conflict bet$een male and female dri"es% 8 9e #oes on to e-!lain tat tese ima#es of li#tness and trans!arency are te substitutes for )isolated) !laces'cildood( innocence( innocence( $oleness'beyond $oleness'beyond er reac% In te final re"ision re"ision of te te-t( tose )isolated) !laces are not 6ust remote( tey a"e become )ima#inary%) )ima#inary%)
of a re"olt a#ainst any normati"e norm ati"e standards for desire( and a#ainst all sentimentality in te carnal domain% )Carlotte() te older $oman $om Colette encounters in a Parisian o!ium den at te be#innin# of The Pure and $o')eroically() in Colette0s "ie$'fa&es an or#asm for the Impure, and $o')eroically() te benefit of er frail f rail youn# lo"er( sums u! te autor0s "ie$ concisely1 )I0m de"oted to tat boy( $it all my eart% But $at is te eart( madame2 It0s $ort less tan !eo!le tin&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#% It acce!ts anytin#% 4ou #i"e it $ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But te body% body% % % Ha5 Tat0s sometin# sometin# else( a#ain%) Probably no one &ne$ more tan Colette about te !redicament of a ser"ile eart tat selflessly !um!s life trou# an im!erious body( body( and se as&s us to read The Pure and the Impure as er definiti"e $ord on te sub6ect')my !ersonal contribution to te sum total of our &no$led#e of te senses%) But tat intri#uin# if rater #randiose instruction needs some !ers!ecti"e% If Colette0s militancy is limited to te boudoir( boudoir( se is also one of te first modern $riters to su##est tat )male) and )female) are sub6ecti"e assi#nments( and tat a society $ic #rants te !ri"ile#e of )doin#) or )bein# done to) e-clusi"ely to one se- or te oter $ar!s its youn#% A cild of eiter se-( se !ercei"es( as ur#es to !enetrate( de"our( and !ossess7 to be cerised( dominated( and contained% Te se-ual se-ual !redators( sla"es( casualties( altruists( and im!ersonators $om se describes in The Pure and the Impure .and trou#out er oeuvre) oeuvre) a"e been forced to deny or renounce te forbidden as!ects of temsel"es'$ic are( !ut sim!ly( sim!ly( teir im!ure true feelin#s% Purity and im!urity $ould a"e been Cristian notions for Colette( es!ecially as tey a!!ly to $omen( but se defiantly inter!rets tem in er o$n !a#an terms% At one !oint( se admits tat se doesn0t understand te meanin# of te $ord )!ure) at all( tou# )in te !ictures it e"o&es( I construct a refu#e for myself%) 8 But from oter sources( one infers tat !urity( !urity( for Colette( is a !rela!sarian state state of armony en6oyed by $ild animals( flora( birds of !rey( !rey( certain socio!ats( and by ordinary umans only as fetuses% To be !ure means to be unindered by any conscious bonds of need or de!endence( or by any conflict bet$een male and female dri"es% 8 9e #oes on to e-!lain tat tese ima#es of li#tness and trans!arency are te substitutes for )isolated) !laces'cildood( innocence( innocence( $oleness'beyond $oleness'beyond er reac% In te final re"ision re"ision of te te-t( tose )isolated) !laces are not 6ust remote( tey a"e become )ima#inary%) )ima#inary%)
9ince Colette also belie"es tat tere is no autentic andro#yny in our fallen $orld( tere can be no $oleness( and for a $oman no autonomy( autonomy( no !ersonood'a male !ri"ile#e'$itout !ri"ile#e'$itout an unacce!table erotic sacrifice% )Ho$ to liberate my true o!e2) se as&s in an early no"el% )E"erytin# is a#ainst me% Te first obstacle to my esca!e is tis $oman0s body barrin# my $ay(( a "olu!tuous body $it closed eyes( "oluntarily blind( stretced $ay str etced out full( ready to !eris% % % % I0m se tis $oman( tis brute beast so stubborn in er !leasure%) The Pure and the Impure trac&s te course of
te forbidden desires $ic #o under#round( to resurface as !er"ersions( and te searc s earc of a fra#mented self for anoter( symmetrically fra#mented( to com!lete it% Colette conducts er researc li&e te bold and scru!ulous re!orter se $as .and if se ad ne"er $ritten a $ord of fiction( f iction( se $ould still be remembered as one of te #reatest :renc 6ournalists of te century/% 9e stru##les admirably $it er o$n biases( discernin# te sadist0s onor( te !arasite0s "itality( "itality( and te !er"ert0s #allantry #allantry(( alon# $it teir teir !atos( folly( folly( and delusion% But er conclusions are not eartenin#% )Tis is a sad boo&() se told a friend( )it doesn0t $arm itself at te fire of lo"e( because te fles doesn0t ceer u! its ardent ser"ants%) ser "ants%) Accordin# to er tird usband( Maurice ;oude&et( Colette be#an $ritin# The Pure and the Impure in July of 8<=>% 9e $as fifty*se"en( e $as forty*t$o( and tey $ere cruisin# te Nor$e#ian f6ords on a yact a!tly named te Eros( $ic belon#ed to teir friend Henri de Rotscild% It is tem!tin# to ima#ine tat te settin# ad some influence on er $or&in# title1 a decadent lo"e boat sailin# trou# icy and !ristine nortern $aters !ast cliffs of incorru!tible #randeur% Colette $as e-!eriencin# te !enomenon te 9candina"ians call lyse natter, )$ite ni#ts() for te first f irst time( altou# in :renc te same e-!ression as a different meanin#1 te fe"eris slee!lessness induced by !assion( an-iety( an-iety( or bot% By 9e!tember( se $as bac& in :rance( searcin# for a ne$ and less Cartesian title( and tellin# er friends( ty!ically( tat te boo& $as #oin# "ery badly% badly% Colette0s $or&'nearly ei#ty "olumes in all'in"ariably $ent )"ery badly%) badly%) It is a common tou# false im!ression tat se $rote( as Henri de Monterlant !ut it( )as naturally as se breate?d@%) )I0m toilin# li&e an ant() se tells a confidante% 9e also s!ea&s of )"omitin# u!) er last Plaisirs. . . !a#es( and se finised te te-t te-t se ad by no$ renamed Ces Plaisirs. (ces plaisirs !u"on nomme, # la l$%ère, l$%ère, physi!ues 'tese !leasures tat are
so li#tly called !ysical/ )in ni#ts and days of des!air( as usual%) But as usual( too( Colette $as a !rodi#ious $or&orse of lym!ian "itality% Ces Plaisirs. . . $as ready by te autumn of 8<=8( but in tat same !eriod of about fifteen monts( se ad also mana#ed to ada!t a no"el for te sta#e( edit er tra"el $ritin#s for an antolo#y( launc a beauty institute( and brea& er le#'an in6ury $ic contributed to er !ysical decline( lea"in# er "ulnerable to te e-cruciatin# artritis of te i! tat e"entually immobili+ed er% As Colette al$ays li"ed and to mout on a rater o!ulent le"el and $as cronically sort of cas( se li&ed to seriali+e er $or& in some lucrati"e !eriodical before !ublisin# it in boo& form% Money $as a !articular $orry in 8<=8( $it te De!ression #ainin# momentum and Maurice( a bro&er of !earls( ban&ru!t and out of $or&% 9e sold te ri#ts to Ces Plaisirs% % % to er friend Jose! essel( literary editor of &rin%oire, a !o!ular 6ournal of !olitics and culture $ic $as not yet( tou# it $ould soon become( a !ro*Na+i !ro!a#anda "eicle% After only four of nine !ro6ected installments ad run'and a!!arently in res!onse to te outra#e of certain conser"ati"e readers'te !ubliser of &rin%oire, a Corsican named Horace de Carbuccia( abru!tly cut off Colette0s te-t in mid*sentence $it te $ord 'in. It $as an astoundin# insult to so eminent a $riter( and Colette $as li"id% Ne"erteless( fi"e years later( se eiter found it in er eart to for#i"e Carbuccia or s$allo$ed er !ride .funds $ere a#ain lo$/( and sold im t$o of er finest no"ellas% And in 8<8( se seriali+ed er only no"el from te ccu!ation( ulie de Carneilhan, in a &rin%oire tat $as no$ rabidly fascist and anti*9emitic% Tat same blea& year of 8<8 also brou#t te si-*$ee& internment of er belo"ed Maurice in te concentration cam! at Com!i#ne% Colette ad been callin# im )te Je$ $o doesn0t &no$ e0s one() tou# e &ne$ e $as one te mornin# te ;esta!o &noc&ed at teir door% A mont before is arrest( and des!ite te Na+i !ersecution of omose-uals( and a climate e-tremely ostile to any $or& of art deemed )decadent() se !ublised te substantially re"ised and definiti"e "ersion of The Pure and the Impure, restorin# te title se ad used for er first draft% It $as not a moment to insist co3uettisly on plaisir. By no$'t$o years sy of se"enty'obese( bed*ridden( rac&ed $it !ain( and de!endent on a unted man'Colette ad finally acce!ted tat tere could be no esca!e from te contradictions( limits( It $as( in !rinci!le( a ris&y !ro!osition( altou# er !ubliser( Fouis Tomas( $as a collaborationist in #ood standin# $it te ccu!ation autorities% He ad ta&en o"er te ouse of Calmann*Fe"y( $ose Je$is o$ners ad fled abroad( and recristened it Au- Armes de :rance%
and demands of er $oman0s body% Ha"in# married t$o incorri#ible !ilanderers in a ro$ 'first ,illy( in 8G<=( ten Henry de Jou"enel( in 8<8'Colette ad lon# been fascinated $it .attracted to and tormented by/ te caracter of te se-ual !redator% As early as 8<>G( se ad considered $ritin# a !lay about Don Juan as a "eicle for er friend Edouard de Ma-( te leadin# actor of is day( a famous seducer of men( and a flamboyant !ersona#e of te #ay demimonde% Tere $ould be no !lay( tou# in 8<8( a"in# finised Proust0s odom and &omorrah, Colette sent im a !assionate fan letter confessin# tat se( too( ad $anted to $rite a )study on te omose-ual) and tat )tose !a#es of yours% % % are e-actly $at I $as carryin# $itin me( $it te inca!acity and la+iness to brin# tem fort% % % % I s$ear tat no one after you( no one e-ce!t you( $ill be able to add a tin# to $at you0"e $ritten%) Ri"alry( o$e"er( $as al$ays a mains!rin# of Colette0s #enius( and in The Pure and the Impure se bot sets about and succeeds in am!lifyin# Proust0s !ortrait of te )in"ert() focusin# $it !articular lucidity and elo3uence on tat Belle !o3ue );omorra) se ad &no$n so $ell as a music all artiste7 as a lo"er of Natalie Barney and a friend of Rene i"ien7 and as te consort of )Missy() te Mar3uise de Morny( te aristocratic( lesbian trans"estite ten years Colette0s senior $it $om se ad li"ed bet$een 8<>K and 8<88% 4et The Pure and the Impure is not only a !enetratin# treatise on omose-uality( !romiscuity( miso#yny( and te ancient enmity bet$een te se-es( it is a meditation on te $ay uman bein#s erotici+e'$it tra#ic conse3uences'teir !rimal( affecti"e bonds% As te )restless #osts) confide teir secrets of te fles to a sym!atetic listener $o is tryin# to conceal er o$n )fri#tful !assi"ity of te senses() a !attern be#ins to emer#e from teir confessions% All of tem a"e li"ed teir li"es star"ed for an essential nutrient( and unable to renounce te fantasy of meetin# te Pro"ider $o $ill fill tis )"oid) once and for all% Te se- act tantali+es tem $it a fleetin# taste of com!leteness( but tey blame te deficiencies of teir !artners for teir ine"itable rela!se into te "oid'and so mo"e on to te ne-t $arm body% Colette loo&s closely at te different strate#ies by $ic tese famised creatures'lo"ers and ri"als of bot se-es in e"ery combination'see& to master teir "oracity% Te stron# ta&e te offensi"e1 tey attem!t to reco"er an illusion of $oleness trou# domination( and tey become te sadists
and seducers of bot se-es% Te $ea& e-!eriment $it some form of defensi"e self*star"ation1 asceticism( celibacy( anore-ia( but most commonly masocistic submission% Tis "oluntary !ri"ation feels su!erior to te ori#inal un#er of te infant( $ic $as suffered el!lessly% In 8<8( and se"eral times tereafter( Colette declared The Pure and the Impure to be er finest $or&( and te one most li&ely to endure% Te 6ud#ment is 6ust( I tin&( altou# it is far from bein# te most accessible or best &no$n of er boo&s% It is not only dee!ly melancoly and !essimistic( it is intensely !ersonal( and because Colette is ne"er more reticent tan $en se is bein# most re"ealin#( te style( at times( is maddenin#ly elusi"e% Her o$n resistance to and an-iety about te carnal truts e-!lored in The Pure and the Impure so$ in te baro3ue synta- and te ubi3uity of sus!ension !oints( of obscure references( and of contradictions tat ma&e te te-t( in !laces( an e-as!eratin# e-!erience for te casual reader'and certainly for te fans of er "olu!tuous( eart$armin# !aeans to food( flo$ers( moterood( animals( and country life% 4et The Pure and the Impure comes closer tan any oter of Colette0s boo&s( memoir or fiction( to re"ealin# te )mysterious nature of ?er@ bein#() as Natalie Barney !ut it( $ic se #uarded so fiercely( e"en from er intimates% 9e e-!lores er o$n sensual torments( admits er failures( flaunts er !o$ers( confesses er $ea&nesses( and sums u! te tree &inds of !assionate attacments se erself as &no$n% Te first is $it tose on $om se as )la"ised) er #ifts( and tese include cildren( animals( and er se-ual ri"als% = Te second is $it tose $ose )rices) se still as te stren#t to !lunder% And te tird is $it tat tiny com!any of )eroically) fri"olous and amoral souls $om se calls er fello$ )sur"i"ors() and $o a"e( li&e er( been )cast u!on a roc&y coast by teir dismasted "essel)' $ose name is Eros% A !erfect union( Colette su##ests in The Pure and the Impure, $ould be one in $ic bot !artners could #i"e and ta&e mutual satisfaction% But er e-austi"e sur"ey of erotic !ossibilities turns u! no e3uals% Tere are te stoical #i"ers li&e Carlotte and Fa Ce"alire .Missy/% And tere are te boastful and #reedy ta&ers( li&e er Don Juan .Damien/( or er friend Rene i"ien( or te old courtesan( Amalia L( countin# teir con3uests on teir = Colette $as in te abit of culti"atin# a com!licity $it er se-ual ri"als1 ma&in# tem friends and e"en de!endents( su!!ortin# teir careers( feedin# tem( counselin# tem( carmin# tem( lendin# tem er ouses( and( in some cases( tryin# to seduce tem .and often succeedin#/%
fin#ers% Ironically( o$e"er( Colette concei"ed The Pure and the Impure at a moment $en( after alf a century of romantic disencantments and betrayals( se ad found a !artner'a man fifteen years er 6unior'$ose "irile constancy ad disarmed er mistrust% Maurice ;oude&et en6oyed er bullyin#( but tey made a #ame of it( becomin# accom!lices and !laymates rater tan "ictim and o!!ressor% Teir bond $asn0t !ure( and it certainly $asn0t e3ual( but te de"otion and te desire $ere bot mutual% )It is only $en one is better tat one disco"ers one $asn0t "ery $ell() se once told Maurice% And tis #reat ode to em!tiness $as $ritten by a $oman $o felt full% 'Judit Turman
Te Pure and te Im!ure 8 Te Door tat o!ened to me on te to! floor of a ne$ buildin# #a"e access to a bi#( #lass*roofed studio( as "ast as a co"ered mar&et% Half$ay u! te i# $all ran a $ide balcony dra!ed $it Cinese embroideries( te rater sla!das &ind manufactured in Cina for te e-!ort trade( te desi#ns lar#e but rater !retty all te same% A #rand !iano( some flat little Ja!anese mattresses( a !ono#ra!( and !otted a+aleas accounted for te rest% ,it no sur!rise( I soo& ands $it an ac3uaintance( li&e me a no"elist and 6ournalist( and I e-can#ed nods $it my un&no$n osts( $o( tan& ;od( seemed to be as little inclined as I $as for any friendlier e-can#e% uite e-!ectin# to be bored( I settled do$n on te mat allotted to me and $atced te o!ium smo&e $astefully and slu##isly streamin# u!$ard to collide( as if re#retfully( $it te #lass !anes of te s&yli#t% Its blac&( a!!eti+in# aroma of fres truffles or burnt cocoa besto$ed u!on me !atience( o!timism( and a "a#ue un#er% I decided I li&ed te dull red #lo$ of te saded li#ts(
te almond*sa!ed $ite flames of te o!ium lam!s( one of tem nearby( te oter t$o flic&erin# li&e $ill*o0*te*$is!s farter on( in a &ind of alco"e under te balustraded balcony% 9omeone leaned o"er tat balustrade( a youtful ead cau#t te red ray of te an#in# lanterns( a loose $ite slee"e $a"ered and disa!!eared before I could ma&e out $eter te $ite sil& slee"e and te ead of air slic&ed do$n li&e te air of a dro$ned !erson belon#ed to a $oman or a man% )4ou0re ere as a si#tseer2) my $riter friend in3uired% He $as stretced out on is little mattress( and I noticed e ad e-can#ed is dinner 6ac&et for an embroidered &imono and $as dis!layin# te affected ease of te o!ium smo&er% My one desire $as to esca!e im( as I do $it te :renc !eo!le( al$ays a nuisance( tat I meet abroad% )No() I ans$ered% )n a !rofessional assi#nment%) He smiled% )I tou#t as muc% ,ritin# a no"el2) And I loated im still more for tin&in# me inca!able 'as indeed I $as'of en6oyin# tis lu-ury( tis tran3uil if rater base !leasure( a !leasure !rom!ted only by a certain &ind of snobbisness( a s!irit of bra"ado( a curiosity more affected tan real% % % I ad brou#t $it me only a $ell* concealed #rief $ic #a"e me no rest and a fri#tful !assi"ity of te senses% ne of te un&no$n #uests came to life( rose from is couc to offer me a !i!e of o!ium( a !inc of cocaine( or a coc&tail% At eac refusal e raised is and lim!ly in a #esture of disa!!ointment% He finally anded me a bo- of ci#arettes( and $it an En#lis smile said( )Really( can0t I do anytin# for you2) I tan&ed im( and e too& care not to insist% After more tan fifteen years( I still remember tat e $as andsome and a!!arently sane( e-ce!t tat is eyes $ere too $ide o!en bet$een te ri#id eyelids !eo!le a"e $o suffer from cronic insomnia% A youn# $oman( into-icated as far as I could 6ud#e( noticed my !resence and announced from a distance tat se intended to come o"er and #i"e me )a dirty loo&%) 9e re!eated it se"eral times1 )4es( e-actly( a dirty loo&%) I don0t recall any oter ceerful incident to re!ort% A fe$ serious smo&ers( only alf "isible in te reddis #loom( made er sut u!% I belie"e one of tem #a"e er some o!ium !ellets to ce$( an act se !erformed
dutifully( ma&in# a faint suc&in# sound( an animal sound li&e an infant at its moter0s breast% Te o!ium( $ic I do not smo&e( !ermeated tis ordinary room $it its fra#rance( and I $as not at all bored% T$o youn# men $it teir arms around eac oter aroused te attention of my fello$ 6ournalist( but tey made no disturbance( merely tal&in# ra!idly in lo$ "oices% ne of tem continually sniffed and $i!ed is eyes $it is slee"e% Te red #loom in $ic $e $ere bated could a"e lulled te stron#est minds% I $as in an o!ium den( but not in one of tose assemblies $ic #i"e te s!ectator a rater lastin# dis#ust for $at e sees and for is o$n !artici!ation by bein# tere% I re6oiced at tis and o!ed tat no na&ed dancer of eiter se- $ould come to disturb our de"otions( tat tere $as not te least dan#er of an in"asion of alcool*soa&ed Americans( and I e"en o!ed te !ono#ra! $ould fall silent% % % Just ten a $oman0s "oice $as raised in son#( a furry( s$eet( yet us&y "oice tat ad te 3ualities of a ard and tic&*s&inned "el"ety !eac% ,e $ere all so carmed tat $e too& care not to a!!laud or e"en to murmur our !raise% )Is tat you( Carlotte2) as&ed one of my !rone and motionless nei#bors after a time% ),y of course it0s me%) )9in# some more( Carlotte% % %) )No5) an#rily souted a man0s "oice% )9e didn0t come ere to sin#5) In te distant red #loom could be eard te indistinct us&y lau#ter of )Carlotte) and te $is!erin# of te same irritated youn# man% To$ard t$o o0cloc& in te mornin#( $ile a slee!less youn# fello$ $as ser"in# us cu!s of "ery fra#rant !ale Cinese tea tat ad te scent of ne$* mo$n ay( a $oman and t$o men entered( brin#in# into te odorous and mur&y air of te studio te cold ni#t air cau#t by teir furs% ne of te ne$comers as&ed if )Carlotte) $as tere% A teacu! crased at te far end of te room( and a#ain te youn# man0s an#ry "oice $as eard% )4es( se0s ere% 9e0s $it me( and it0s nobody0s business% 4ou can 6ust lea"e er alone%) Te ne$ arri"al $o ad as&ed te 3uestion sru##ed( tre$ off is o"ercoat and dinner 6ac&et as if !re!arin# for a scuffle( but merely !ut on a
blac& &imono( ten 3uic&ly san& do$n beside one of te o!ium trays and be#an to smo&e a !i!e( inalin# $it suc disa#reeable a"idity tat one felt li&e offerin# im sand$ices( cold roast "eal( red $ine( ard*boiled e##s( any food no matter $at( more suited to a!!easin# is ra"enous a!!etite% Te $oman in furs $o accom!anied im $ent o"er to te drun&en #irl( $om se called )My s$eet() and I ad no time to condemn teir friendsi! for tey $ent to slee! at once( molded to#eter( te i!s of te one in te la! of te oter( li&e t$o s!oons in a sil"er dra$er% In s!ite of te stuffy $armt of te room( cold air came do$n from te s&yli#t( announcin# te ni#t0s endin#% I $ra!!ed my coat ti#tly about me( de!lorin# te la+iness( induced by te ea"y aroma( $ic( combined $it te late our( still &e!t me from #oin# ome to bed% I could a"e follo$ed te e-am!le of te sensible !eo!le lyin# tere( could a"e stretced out $it tem and sle!t $itout fear( but altou# I can confidently slee! on a terrace or a bed of !ine needles( any sut*in and unfamiliar !lace ma&es me uneasy% Te narro$ staircase of !olised $ood crea&ed under some footste!s( $ic ten sounded on te balcony abo"e me( $ere could be eard te rustlin# of sil&( te li#t im!act of !illo$s tro$n u!on te ecoin# floorboards( and silence closed in a#ain% But from te de!ts of tis "ery silence a sound im!erce!tibly be#an in a $oman0s troat( at first us&y( ten clear( assertin# its firmness and am!litude as it $as re!eated( becomin# clear and full li&e te notes te ni#tin#ale re!eats and accumulates until tey !our out in a flood of ar!e##ios% % % U! tere on te balcony a $oman $as tryin# ard to delay er !leasure and in doin# so $as urryin# it to$ard its clima- and destruction( in a rytm at first so calm and armonious( so mar&ed tat I in"oluntarily beat time $it my ead( for its cadence $as as !erfect as its melody% My un&no$n nei#bor alf sat u! and muttered to imself( )Tat0s Carlotte%) Neiter one of te t$o slee!in# $omen $o&e u!7 nor did te snufflin# youn# men( indistinctly "isible( lau# aloud or a!!laud te "oice tat bro&e on a subdued sob% n te balcony abo"e( te si#in# left off% And te 3uiet ones do$n belo$ all felt te cill of te $inter da$n% I u##ed my furred coat about me( and a man lyin# nearby !ulled u! a corner of embroidered clot o"er is soulder and sut is eyes% At te far end of te room( near a sil&en lantern( te t$o slee!in# $omen dre$ still closer to eac oter $itout $a&in# u!( and te small flames of te oil lam!s flic&ered under te do$ndraft of cold air from te s&yli#t%
9tiff and acin# from my !rolon#ed immobility( I stood u! and sur"eyed te !rostrate forms on te mattresses( mentally calculatin# o$ many I $ould a"e to ste! o"er on my $ay out% At tat moment te balcony stairs crea&ed a#ain% A $oman in a dar& coat ad come do$n and $as on er $ay to te door% 9e sto!!ed before reacin# it( buttoned er #lo"es( carefully !ulled er "eil do$n to er cin( o!ened er andba#( 6in#led some &eys% )I0m al$ays afraid% % %) se murmured% 9e $as tal&in# to erself( but $en se sa$ tat I $as #oin# out( se smiled at me% )4ou0re lea"in#( too( madame2 Ten follo$ me( if you $ant to a"e li#t in te stairs'I &no$ $ere te time s$itc is%) In te stair$ay( $ere er and brou#t fort an unflatterin# li#t( I could see er more distinctly% 9e $as neiter tall nor sort( $as rater !lum! and resembled te fa"orite models of Renoir'te same full face and sort nose( recallin# te belles of 8GK( and tis so stron#ly tat in s!ite of er smart oli"e*#reen coat $it fo- collar and te small at currently fasionable( se someo$ loo&ed out of date% Probably forty*fi"e years old( se still ad a youtful fresness( and er eyes tat loo&ed u! at me in te cur"es of te stair$ay $ere lar#e and #entle and #ray( #ray*#reen li&e er coat% It $as still dar& outside( and te cool ni#t air re"i"ed me% Te desire tat is a daily occurrence $it me on clear mornin#s to esca!e to$ard fields and forests( or at least to$ard te nearby Bois de Boulo#ne( made me esitate $en $e reaced te !a"ement% )4ou don0t a"e a car2) said my com!anion% )Neiter do I% But at tis our tere are al$ays cars to be ad in tis nei#borood%) As se s!o&e( a ta-i a!!eared( comin# from te Bois% It slo$ed do$n and sto!!ed% 9e stood aside% )Do ta&e it( madame() se said% ),y( not at all5 Fet me in"ite you% % %) )Not to be tou#t of5 r allo$ me to ta&e you ome% % %) 9e cec&ed erself( ma&in# a #esture of e-cuse tat I easily understood and !rotested%
)4ou0re not bein# at all indiscreet() I said% )I li"e not far a$ay( on te outer boule"ard% % %) ,e #ot in% Te ta-i turned around% Te faint li#t of te meter no$ lit u!( from time to time( te face of te $oman( $o $as un&no$n to me e-ce!t for er first name( true or false( )Carlotte%) 9e stifled a ya$n( and si#ed% )I0m not yet myself( and I li"e a$ay out near te Fion de Belfort% % % And I0m e-austed% % %) In s!ite of myself I must a"e smiled( for se loo&ed at me $itout embarrassment and s!o&e $it carmin# sim!licity% ) yes( I &no$( you0re lau#in# at me( I can see $at you0re tin&in#%) ,at seduction $as in er "oice( o$ deli#tful te $ay it ras!ed out certain syllables and te sua"e and defeated $ay it ad of lettin# te ends of !rases fall into te lo$er re#ister% % % Te $indo$ $as o!en at te ri#t of Carlotte and te bree+e $afted to$ard me er rater ordinary !erfume alon# $it a bris& natural odor of ealty fles( !leasant e-ce!t for te smell of stale tobacco% )It0s really too bad() se be#an( as if at random% )Tat !oor boy% % %) ),at !oor boy2) I as&ed( submissi"ely% )4ou didn0t see im2 No( you couldn0t a"e seen im% % % But you ad arri"ed $en e leaned o"er te balustrade of te balcony% He0s te one in te $ite &imono%) )And fair*aired2) )Tat0s ri#t() se e-claimed softly% )Tat describes im% He $orries me a #reat deal() se added% I !ermitted myself tat smile of arc understandin# tat so ill becomes me% )And merely $orries you2) 9e sru##ed% )Belie"e $at you li&e%) )Tat youn# man $as te one $o made you sto! sin#in#( $asn0t e2) )4es% It ma&es im 6ealous% Not tat I a"e a fine "oice( but I sin#
$ell%) )I $as on te !oint of sayin# 6ust te contrary( belie"e it or not% 4ou a"e a "oice% % %) A#ain se sru##ed% )As you li&e% 9ome !eo!le say one tin#( some say anoter% 9all I a"e te ta-i sto! 6ust sort of your door2) I #ras!ed te arm se ad raised% )By no means% Please%) 9e a!!eared to be a little u!set o"er er uncalled*for discretion and made sift to as& a 3uestion tat dis#uised a confidential !iece of information% )It isn0t "ery armful( is it( for a youn# man $it $ea& lun#s to ta&e a little o!ium from time to time2) )No( not too armful% % %) I ans$ered doubtfully% A ea"y si# lifted er i# and rounded bosom a little i#er% )He0s a #reat $orry() se re!eated% )But don0t you a#ree tat $en e0s been #ood for a fortni#t( ta&en is !ills( eaten is red meat( sle!t as e sould $it is $indo$s $ide o!en( e deser"es a recom!ense no$ and ten2) 9e lau#ed softly( a us&y but musical lau#ter% )He calls tat an or#y( 6ust ima#ine% He0s !roud% % % ( madame() se e-claimed( )te dustmen are at your door% Do you mind teir seein# you arri"e2 No2 Ho$ nice5 :reedom is a $onderful tin#% But as for me% % % I0m not free%) 9e fell silent( absently eld out er and( and #a"e me te faint little innocent smile of er lar#e eyes( clouded $it #reen li&e te !ools te sea lea"es at ebb tide%
I did not see Carlotte a#ain for some time% Nor did I loo& for er( at least not in te !laces $ere I ima#ined I mi#t find er( for e-am!le( a curc $eddin# on te Feft Ban&( or a"in# tea in an ancient a!artment( in te bosom of tose families tat ri#idly !reser"e teir !ro"incial $ays in Paris% I ima#ined tat er !resence at a small e-a#onal table cro$ned $it s$eet biscuits $ould a"e seemed 3uite natural to me% 9eated in er oli"e* #reen coat( er small at tilted o"er er eyes( te sort "eil raised li&e a slatted blind on er nose( te cu! of insi!id tea eld in t$o fin#ers( I sa$ er( I in"ented er( I eard er accent of modesty and trut s&illfully con"incin# te cross*#rained old ostesses1 )As for me( you &no$( te $ay I see it% % %) I did not loo& for er( because I $as afraid of dis!ellin# te mystery $e attac to !eo!le $om $e &no$ only casually% But I $as not sur!rised to find er standin# in front of me one day $en I $as sellin# boo&s for te benefit of some carity or oter% 9e bou#t a "olume( smilin# at me in te most discreet $ay% I as&ed er( $it an ea#erness tat seemed to astound er1 )9all I dedicate te boo&( madame2) )( yes( madame% % % If it isn0t as&in# too muc%) )Not at all( madame% % % To $at name2) ),y( sim!ly !ut 0To Madame Carlotte% % %0) To all tis re!etition of )madame) tat $e ceremoniously e-can#ed( Carlotte added a cuc&le tat I reco#ni+ed( a subdued lau#ter( as #entle and !oi#nant as te lan#ua#e of te little nocturnal barn o$l( tat rin#do"e of dar&ness% % % And I !ut a maladroit 3uestion% )4ou0re all alone2) )I ne"er #o out e-ce!t alone() re!lied Carlotte% ),e a"en0t seen you a#ain tere% % %) 9e s!o&e in a alf $is!er( leafin# trou# te "olume se ad 6ust !urcased% They are al$ays tere 9unday e"enin#s% % %) I acce!ted tis indirect in"itation for te !leasure of seein# Carlotte a#ain% Te !leasure turned out to be #reater tan e-!ected( for I found er alone in te studio o!ium den( $ic $as as accessible and inos!itable as a rail$ay station% No irritable youn# man $atced o"er er in te de!ts of te red sado$s amassed under te balcony% Bare*eaded( "ery neat( and loo&in# rater !lum! in er blac& dress( se ad not donned te ritual
&imono% 9e $as drin&in# mate and offered me some in a ollo$ed*out blac& and yello$ #ourd tat ad te min#led odor of tea and flo$erin# meado$s% )4ou can use tis bombilla( I0"e 6ust scalded it() se said( andin# me te s!atulate reed tube% )Are you comfortable2 ,ant a cusion at your bac&2 Just see o$ 3uiet $e are toni#t% None of tose $omen% % % 4ou as& $o are tose men at te far end of te room2 En#lismen( "ery !ro!er !eo!le $o come ere only to smo&e o!ium%) Her tran3uil &indness( er muffled "oice( and te e-!ression in er #ray*#reen eyes $ould a"e o!ened te ardest eart% Her !lum! arms( te elo3uent and ladyli&e de-terity of er e"ery #esture'$at snares for te youn# and irascible lo"er5 )I see you0re alone( Madame Carlotte2) 9e assented $it a nod( serenely% )I0m ta&in# a rest() se said sim!ly% )4ou0ll say tat I could rest at ome% But one doesn0t rest $ell at ome%) 9e let er assured and &indly #a+e $ander( and inaled dee!ly te odor of te o!ium( $ic I myself $as en6oyin# as only tose $o do not smo&e can en6oy it% ),ose !lace is tis2) I as&ed% )To tell te trut( I don0t &no$() said Carlotte% )I first eard about tis !lace from some !ainters% Do you really $ant to &no$2) )Not really%) )As a matter of fact( your 3uestion sur!rised me% % % It0s so !leasant not to &no$ $ere one is% % %) 9e smiled at me confidin#ly% To !ut er still more at ease( I could a"e $ised tat se did not &no$ my name% )4our youn# friend isn0t ill( I o!e2) )No( tan& #oodness% He0s $it is !arents( in te country% I e-!ect im bac& in a $ee&%) Her face dar&ened a little( and er eyes #a+ed into te reddis( smo&e* filled #loom of te studio% )Ho$ tiresome() se si#ed( )o$ tiresome a man can be tat one
lo"es5 I don0t muc en6oy tellin# lies%) ),at do you mean2 ,y sould you tell lies2 Don0t you lo"e im2) )f course I lo"e im%) ),ell( ten% % %) 9e turned u!on me a ma#nificent stare of contem!t( at once miti#ated by $at se ten said( !olitely% )9u!!ose $e say I don0t &no$ anytin# about it%) But I recalled te romantic re$ard se ad #ranted te youn# lo"er( te almost !ublic dis!lay of !leasure se ad made in tat ni#tin#ale lament( tose full notes reiterated a#ain and a#ain( !reci!itated until teir tremblin# e3uilibrium bro&e in a clima- of torrential sobbin#% % % No doubt tis eld Carlotte0s secret !re"arication( a melodious and merciful lie% I considered te youn# lo"er0s a!!iness $as #reat $en measured by te !erfect du!ery of te $oman $o tus subtly contri"ed to #i"e a $ea& and sensiti"e boy te "ery i#est conce!t of imself tat a man can a"e% % % Tis substantial Carlotte $as a female #enius( indul#in# in tender subterfu#e( consideration( and self*denial% And ere se $as( tis $oman $o &ne$ o$ to reassure men( sittin# beside me( limbs rela-ed( idly $aitin# to ta&e u! a#ain te duty of te one $o lo"es best1 te daily im!osture( te deferential lie( te !assionately maintained du!ery( te unreco#ni+ed feat of "alor tat e-!ects no re$ard% % % ur concealed identity and accidental !ro-imity( te surroundin# atmos!ere of so*called debaucery $ere alone $at ad loosened te ton#ue of tis eroine $ose silence in no $ay embarrassed me( tis stran#er to $om I told notin#( as tou# I ad finised tellin# er all I ad to tell% % % Her !resence lured oter e!emera from te de!ts of my memory( !antoms I seem al$ays to be losin# and findin# a#ain( restless #osts unreco"ered from $ounds sustained in te !ast $en tey crased eadlon# or sidelon# a#ainst tat barrier reef( mysterious and incom!reensible( te uman body% % % Tey reco#ni+ed Carlotte( for tey ad( li&e er( not tal&ed e-ce!t in safety( tat is( to stran#ers( in te !resence of stran#ers% A cons!iratorial ear( 3uite often mine( ad been $itin reac( and tey ad dro!!ed into it teir name( to be#in $it 'an assumed name( but freely assumed'ten( !ell*mell( e"erytin# tat burdened tem1 te fles( al$ays te fles( te mysteries and betrayals and frustrations and sur!rises of te fles% It $as al$ays a lo$( ra!id( monotonous $is!erin#( issuin# from an in"isible mout smellin# of $ine( of fe"er( of o!ium'or else te sedate tone of a na&ed lady( !retentiously
di#nified'or te bitter re"indications of one of tose $omen $o tin& men o$e tem sometin#( and $om Hlne Picard $ould call a )Madame Ho$*many*times)'all tese confidences containin# some seeds of trut( bobbin# about on te surface of a ric de!osit of unfermented and unfiltered $ine% And I reflected( )In a fe$ minutes( 6ust a fe$ more minutes of a#itated con"ersation( I sall learn from Carlotte $at se ides from er sy youn# lo"er%) In tis I $as mista&en% I sould a"e reco#ni+ed in Carlotte a creature $eary enou# to sit do$n and rest on any milestone( but stron# enou# to start off a#ain unaided% % % 9e smo&ed some ci#arettes( !oured $ater from a small &ettle o"er some fres mate( called out to an in"isible !erson as&in# $at time it $as( and #a"e me a fe$ !ieces of information tat se considered useful% )I myself brin# te mate ere() se said% )Te electric &ettle is mine% But 0tey0 $ill !ro"ide you $it anytin# you $ant( sand$ices( tea( biscuits% In $ic case( you sli! fifty francs to te concier#e do$nstairs% % % Don0t be u!set( madame% Te last time you came( you only dran& a cu! of tea and smo&ed one or t$o ci#arettes( so you a"en0t muc on your conscience% % % And I o!e you0ll not offend me by offerin# to !ay me for tat cu! of mate% ;ood( isn0t it2 A li#t tonic and not ener"atin#% % % :or tose $o smo&e o!ium( tere0s anoter arran#ement1 te fi"e !i!es my boy smo&es e"ery time e comes ere( for instance( are car#ed to a se!arate account%) A re#ulation as clear as tis in $at must be called debaucery $ould no doubt a"e distressed anyone else( but I $as !leased $it e"erytin# in Carlotte% A $oman !ast er !rime as a do+en $ays( all unacce!table( of desi#natin# )te little s!ouse() )te bad cild() te )s$eet sin() te )little #irl)% % % Carlotte said )my boy() addin# to er ambi#uous maternity a fortri#t( autoritati"e( no*nonsense accent% I $as o!in# tat se $ould not turn out to be a "ersion of tose nuns( tose nuisances $e run into at e"ery turn% By )nuns) I mean tose !redestined $omen $o si# bet$een te seets( but $it resi#nation( secretly en6oyin# abne#ation( needle$or&( ouse$or&( and s&y*blue satin beds!reads( for lac& of any oter altar to adorn $it te "ir#inal color% % % Tey ta&e fanatical care of teir man0s clotin#( es!ecially of is trousers( tat bifid and mysterious #arment% :rom tis tey sin& into te $orst !er"ersion( $ic is to o!e and !ray for teir man to fall ill so tey can andle dirty basins and clammy ra#s% % % I assured myself tat Carlotte0s conduct $as in anoter cate#ory of bea"ior% Her
comfortable indolence ele"ated er in my esteem1 so fe$ $omen &no$ o$( $it em!ty ands( to remain motionless and serene% I obser"ed er feet and ands( rela-ed and droo!in#( re"elatory si#ns of $isdom and self*control% % % )Ho$ $ell you seem to &no$ o$ to $ait( Madame Carlotte5) Her lar#e ro"in# eyes( te !u!ils dilated by te dar&ness( turned bac& to$ard me% )4es( tat0s so( 3uite $ell% But no$( as retired doctors say( I no lon#er !ractice%) )ne al$ays $aits% And you said 6ust no$( 0I e-!ect im bac& in a $ee&% % %)0 )5 4es% % %) 9e $a"ed er and as if $a"in# to someone !assin# in te distance( ten a#ain turned to$ard me% )It0s true( I am $aitin# for im% But I e-!ect notin# of im% Tere0s a sade of difference% % % I $onder if you understand $at I mean%) )I belie"e I do%) )It $ould be too $onderful( te lo"e of suc a youn# man( if only I didn0t a"e to !retend% % %) 9e si#ed( lau#ed( er !leasant round face $earin# an e-!ression tat Renoir $ould a"e cerised% )Isn0t it funny() se said( )tat in suc a cou!le it0s te older one'e0s only t$enty*t$o'$o a!!ens to be obli#ed to lie2 I0m de"oted to tat boy( $it all my eart% But $at is te eart( madame2 It0s $ort less tan !eo!le tin&% It0s 3uite accommodatin#( it acce!ts anytin#% 4ou #i"e it $ate"er you a"e( it0s not "ery !articular% But te body% % % Ha5 Tat0s sometin# else a#ain5 It as a culti"ated taste( as tey say( it &no$s $at it $ants% A eart doesn0t coose( and one al$ays ends u! by lo"in#% I0m te li"in# !roof%) 9e slid do$n $earily on te 3uilted mattress and rested te bac& of er nec& on a cold little cusion of $ite $o"en stra$% Fyin# tus( se could follo$ te !lay of li#t and sade cast on te reddis ceilin# by te flame of a small unused o!ium lam!( no$ 6oinin#( ten dis6oinin# t$o !ale rin#s( frin#ed and faintly #olden% As I did not re!ly( se a#ain turned to loo& at me( $itout raisin# er ead% )I don0t su!!ose you understand me% % %)
)But I 3uite understand you() I assured er !rom!tly( addin# $it in"oluntary $armt( )ery li&ely( Madame Carlotte( I understand you better tan anyone in te $orld%) Te smilin# loo& in er eyes $as my recom!ense% )Tat0s far from triflin#( $at you0"e 6ust said% Ho$ nice tat $e &no$ eac oter so little5 ,e can tal& about tin#s one doesn0t tal& about $it friends% :riends( $omen friends( if suc a tin# e-ists( ne"er dare to confess to eac oter $at tey really and truly lac&% % %) )Madame Carlotte( do you e"er try to find te tin# you 0really and truly0 lac&2) 9e smiled( er ead tro$n bac&( so$in# in te confused li#t te underside of er sort( !retty nose( er rater full cin( te faultless arc of er teet% )I0m not tat sim!le*minded( madame( nor tat sameless% ,at I lac& 'I sim!ly do $itout% No( no( don0t !raise me for it% % % But $en one &no$s sometin# really $ell( a"in# once !ossessed it( ten one is ne"er com!letely de!ri"ed% Pera!s tat accounts for my boy0s #reat 6ealousy% Try as I $ill'and you a"e eard me and &no$ I0m not un#ifted'my !oor boy( $o as intuition( flies into senseless ra#es and sa&es me as if e $ere determined to brea& me to !ieces% % % It0s lau#able() se said% And in fact se lau#ed% )And% % % te tin# you lac&% % % is it really beyond reac2) )Probably not() se said au#tily% )But I0d be more asamed of te trut tan of te lie% Just ima#ine( madame% % % if I $ere to let myself #o li&e a fool and not e"en &no$ $at I $as doin# or sayin#% % % 5 I can0t bear te idea5) 9e must e"en a"e blused( for er face seemed to dar&en% In a#itation se turned er ead from side to side on te $ite cusion( er li!s !arted( li&e a $oman treatened by a !aro-ysm of !leasure% T$o !oints of red li#t attaced temsel"es to te bac&*and*fort mo"ement of er bi#( #listenin# #ray eyes( and it $as not ard to ima#ine tat( $ere se to sto! lyin#( Carlotte merely ris&ed becomin# more beautiful% % % I told er so( tactfully( and only succeeded in renderin# er rater cool and circums!ect( as se ad been in te ta-i% ;radually se controlled er emotions and sut erself off from me% ,it a fe$ $ords se barred me from te domain tat se seemed so arro#antly to des!ise and $ic bears a red and "isceral name1 te eart%
9e also barred me from te ca"ern of odors( of colors( te secret refu#e $ere surely frolic&ed a !o$erful arabes3ue of fles( a ci!er of limbs ent$ined( symbolic mono#ram of te Ine-orable% % % In tat $ord Ine-orable( I #ater to#eter te seaf of !o$ers to $ic $e a"e been unable to #i"e a better name tan )te senses%) Te senses2 ,y not the sense2 Tat $ould offend no one and $ould suffice% The sense, dominatin# te fi"e inferior senses( for let tem "enture far from it and tey $ill be called bac& $it a 6er&'li&e tose delicate and stin#in# ribbons( !art $eed( !art arm( dele#ated by a dee!*sea creature to O intractable( lordly senses( as intractable and i#norant as te !rinces of by#one days $o learned only $at $as indis!ensable1 to dissimulate( to ate( to command5 4et it is you tat Carlotte eld in cec&( couced beneat te 3uiet ni#t sooted by o!ium( assi#nin# arbitrary limits to your em!ire% % % but is tere anyone( not e"en e-ce!tin# Carlotte( $o can fiyour unstable frontiers2 I flattered myself tat Carlotte( $o sou#t my a!!ro"al( mi#t also try to enlist my sym!aty% But notin# of te sort a!!ened% At te a!!roac of da$n se !unctiliously returned to banalities by $ay of t$o or tree rater carmin# common!laces( suc as )Te only really masterful sound a man ma&es in a ouse is $en( on te entrance landin#( e fumbles $it is &ey in te loc& of te door% % %) ,en se stood u! to #o( I remained lyin# on my little mattress( !retendin# to slee!% 9e fastened er coat collar unurriedly and carefully at er round troat( te refu#e of tat dece!ti"e $arblin#( and te red s!ar&s left er lar#e eyes as se !ulled do$n a fine "eil o"er er face before #oin# out% Ho$ many sado$s still conceal er% % % It is not for me to dis!el tem% ,en I tin& of Carlotte( I embar& u!on a driftin# sou"enir of ni#ts #raced neiter by slee! nor by certitude% Te "eiled face of a $oman( refined( disillusioned( is a suitable !reface to tis boo& $ic $ill treat sadly of sensual !leasure%
=
I ne"er ad to #o out of my $ay to be let in on masculine secrets% Te a"era#e man o"erflo$s $it confidential tal& $en e is $it a $oman $ose fri#idity or so!istication sets is mind at rest% And it stri&es me tat at a time of life $en a $oman $ill #o on and on e-ultin#( misty*eyed $it endurin# #ratitude( o"er te rices tat a"e sli!!ed trou# er fin#ers( o"er te cruelty( te infamy( te arro#ance of te donor( a man at te same a#e $ill nurse a rancor tat time does not eal% My friend L( a celebrity( ne"er lea"es off is #ood umor and natural reser"e e-ce!t $en callin# to mind( in intimate con"ersation $it me( is !ast as a celebrated lo"er% )( te bitces5) e e-claimed one e"enin#% )I $as ne"er s!ared a sin#le embrace by any of tem%) .He did not say )embrace() but used a blunter term tat refers to te terrible !aro-ysm of male se-ual satisfaction%/ Rarely a"e I encountered in a $oman te &ind of ostility $it $ic a man re#ards te mistresses $o a"e e-!loited im se-ually% Te $oman( on te contrary( &no$s erself to be an almost ine-austible store of !lenty for te man% % % Am I( ten( #oin# to find myself( in te first !a#es of a boo&( declarin# tat men are of less use to $omen tan $omen are to men2 ,e sall see% But let me return to te famous lo"er I a"e 6ust 3uoted% Fi&e most men ca!able of ser"icin# .if I may !ut it tat $ay/ a #reat many $omen( !ossession( $ic is li#tnin# 3uic&( !ro"o&ed in im a $retced feelin# of o!elessness'te neurastenia of te Danads% If I understood im ri#tly( e could a"e $ised to find at lon# last a $oman $o $ould lo"e im enou# to refuse erself to im% But it is ard for a $oman to refuse erself% And besides( at te moment $en our con3ueror #lim!sed te "eritable !ur!ose of lo"e and te !ure and burnin# s!ace tat unites( better tan te bonds of fles( t$o !erfect lo"ers( e $as sei+ed by desire so stron#ly tat e flun# te ob6ect of is lo"e to te floor and !ossessed er on te s!ot% )A( $at a life5) e sometimes si#ed% I a"e al$ays #reatly a!!reciated is confidin# in me and I o!e our confidential tal&s are not ended% As a rule( $e coose for our rende+"ous a 3uiet( !ri"ate dinin# room in a first*class restaurant in te center of to$n( te buildin# an ancient one $it tic& $alls tat do not "ibrate% ,e dine li&e #ourmands( after $ic my friend L !aces u! and do$n( smo&es( and tal&s% ccasionally e raises te ball*frin#ed curtain and loo&s out% n te oter side of te #lass a!!ears a stri! of Paris( animated and silent( callin# to mind a s$arm of fireflies on a la&e of as!alt( and I am en"elo!ed in te facile
illusion of dan#er lur&in# in te ni#t outside( of safety $itin te old $alls $arm $it secrets% Tat feelin# of security increases as I listen to te man $o is tal&in#( for mine is te "ery uman !leasure of $itnessin# catastro!es% I am fond of tis man( $o from time to time re"eals imself to me( but I am also "ery fond of seein# im denuded and ste$in# in is boilin# caldron7 besides( e refrains from callin# out for el!% ,it te !assin# years( e so$s si#ns of te neurosis tat disonors te "olu!tuary1 te obsession $it statistics1 )Tere0s no ar#uin# te fact() says e( )my a"era#e is lo$er% But after all( no one could care less tan I do%) And ten e ra#es once more a#ainst )tose little bitces tat &ee! score on a man%) I tal& to im( ten( about Don Juan and tell im I0m sur!rised tat e as not yet $ritten a Don Juan no"el or !lay( and e #i"es me a com!assionate loo&( sru#s( and caritably informs me tat )!eriod !lays) are as out of fasion as ca!e*and*s$ord romances% And suddenly e e-!oses te cild idden in te eart of e"ery !rofessional $riter( a cild obstinately infatuated $it tecni3ue( flauntin# te tric&s and $iles of is trade% His !retended cynicism mar"elously re6u"enates im( and I let im run on% nce I confessed to im tat I $as tin&in# of $ritin# a !lay on te sub6ect of Don Juan #ro$n old( a !art desi#ned for te a#in# actor douard de Ma-% )Don0t do it( my dear() e ur#ently ad"ised% ),y not2) )4ou aren0t sufficiently Parisian% 4our conce!t of Don Juan( my dear' $y( I can 6ust see it% ,at $ould it add to te oter conce!ts of Don Juan2 A !leasant acrimony( a #reat so$ of #ra"ity on licentious sub6ects( and to end u! $it( you0d find some $ay or oter of insertin# a das of rustic !oetics% % % Don Juan is a ac&neyed ty!e( but no one as e"er understood im at all% :undamentally( Don Juan% % %) At tis !oint( of course( my famous collea#ue e-!ounded is o$n conce!t of Don Juan( $o( to ear im tal&( $as a serious*minded tem!ter( a &ind of di!lomat of anne-ation( $o seduced a $oman tactfully and $as soon bored% )Don Juan( belie"e me( my dear( $as anoter one of tose men $o tin& only of ta&in#( anoter one of tose #ras!in# men $ose $ay of #i"in# is no better tan $at tey #i"e% f course( I0m s!ea&in# from te "olu!tuary0s !oint of "ie$%)
)f course%) ),y 0of course02) )Because $en you tal& about Don Juan you ne"er tal& about lo"e% Te business of numbers #ets in your $ay% Tat0s not your fault( but% % %) He #a"e me a sar! loo&% )% % % but suc is your tendency%) Te our $as late and te cold of a streamin# $et ni#t see!ed bet$een te curtains( $ic $ere fastened to#eter $it a safety !in% ter$ise( I $ould a"e tal&ed to my friend about my o$n conce!t of Don Juan% But L $as already #loomy at te tou#t of te ne-t day( $orryin# about is $or& and is !leasures( es!ecially te latter( because tere comes a time in life $en one feels on safer #round alone tan $en tryin# to find !leasures $it anoter% Te rain ad sto!!ed $en $e !arted( and I announced tat I $anted to #o ome alone and on foot% My friend te seducer $ent off $it te caracteristic stride of a lon#*le##ed man( and loo&in# "ery andsome( I tou#t% A Don Juan2 If you li&e% If te ladies li&e% % % But tis Don Juan is obsessed $it is re!utation and !ays te !rice of is "anity $it te !unctuality of a timid debtor% ,e sa$ eac oter a#ain not lon# after$ard% He $as loo&in# tense( i#*strun#1 is features can a#e in a 3uarter of an our and be re6u"enated in fi"e minutes% 4out and old a#e come to im from te same source1 te eyes( te mout( te body of a $oman% In tirty*fi"e years of orderly $or& and disorderly !leasures( e as ne"er found time to be re6u"enated by rest% ,en e allo$s imself a "acation( e ta&es is !oisons alon# $it im% )I0m #oin# a$ay() e said% )Tat0s #ood%) He #lanced at is reflection mirrored in a so! $indo$% )4ou tin& I loo& tired2 I am%) )Tired of $om2) )( all of tem( te se*de"ils% % % Fet0s a"e some oran#eade% Here( or farter on% % % $ere"er you li&e%) ,en $e $ere seated( e !ut u! is and to smoot is sil"er*#ray air%
)0Te se*de"ils(0) I re!eated% )Ho$ many are tere( for #oodness0 sa&e2) )T$o% Tat sounds li&e notin#( t$o% % %) He bra+ened it out( lau#in# and $rin&lin# is bi# classic nose( te ty!ical nose of a $oman0s man% )Do I &no$ tem2) )4ou &no$ one of tem( te one I call Ancient History% Te oter is ne$%) )Pretty2) )( indeed5) e e-claimed( tossin# is ead and rollin# u! is eyes so you could see only te $ites% Tis facial e-ibitionism is one of is traits tat I disli&e% )9e0s a Taitian &ind of beauty() e $ent on% )At ome( se #oes about $it er air an#in# loose do$n er bac&( air as lon# as tat( a mane of air flo$in# do$n o"er tat len#t of red sil& se $ra!s around er body% % %) His e-!ression can#ed( e sto!!ed rollin# is eyes% )It0s all umbu#( sam( a fiction( of course() e added sa"a#ely% )I0m not ta&en in% But se0s 3uite s$eet% I0m not dissatisfied $it er% It0s te oter one% % %) )9e0s 6ealous2) He #a"e me a esitant loo&% )Jealous2 ( tat one is a real demon% Do you &no$ $at se0s done2 Ha"e you any notion $at se0s done2) )4ou0re #oin# to tell me%) )9e0s ta&en u! $it te ne$ one( tey0re bosom friends% Ancient History tal&s about me to te ne$ one% Tat dis#ustin# $ay tey a"e of tellin# eac oter e"erytin#5 9e describes our lo"e*ma&in#( our 0amours0 as se calls it( and of course burles3ues it into an or#y% 9e recalls e"erytin# and ma&es u! te rest% After $ic te Taitian beauty% % %) )% % % e-!ects to #et as muc out of you% % %) He loo&ed at me $it a ne$ and sad umility% )4es%)
)My dear man( allo$ me to as& a 3uestion% ,it te Taitian #irl( is it real sensuality or merely atletic !ro$ess and a s!irit of com!etition2) My celebrated friend can#ed countenance% I ad te !leasure of seein# a $ole series of e-!ressions a!!ear on is features'defiance( cunnin#( e"ery nuance of !rimordial ostility% He fi-ed is eyes u!on te distant and in"isible ad"ersary and ble$ out is cee&s% )Poo5) e scoffed% )Tat0s an old story( I can andle it% A 3uestion of do# eat do#% And as for er sensuality( I0m culti"atin# it% 9e0s youn#( se0s rec&less( you &no$% It0s rater amusin#% % %) He tre$ out is cest and $as a#ain a man of distinction% )Any$ay( te #irl is( $en e-cited and dise"eled( a mar"elous si#t% ,at s!lendor% % %) Tere is a sort scene in te !lay C$limare le *i$naime $ere te lo"er( urriedly sut into an ad6oinin# room by is mistress as er usband a!!ears( &ic&s and !ounds te loc&ed door% ),at0s tat2) te usband as&s% )Notin#% % % 9ome $or&men are re!airin# te cimney ne-t door() stammers te tremblin# $ife% )But tis is intolerable5 Pitois() e says to te old di!lomatic footman( )$ill you !lease #o and tell tose fello$s to ma&e a little less noise5) Pitois esitates( ten says( in embarrassment( )9ir( tose fello$s don0t loo& "ery accommodatin#%) ) yes2) says te usband% )9o you0"e #ot cold feet2 ,ell( ten( I0ll attend to it myself%) He a!!roaces te loc&ed door and souts $it all is mi#t1 )A little less noise( you tere5 ,e can0t ear oursel"es tin&5) A orrified silence% )Tat0s te $ay( Pitois() says te usband( )tat0s te $ay to tal& to $or&men% I can do it myself%) U!on $ic Pitois #oes out( after tis aside1 )I0m #oin#% I really feel sorry for im%) I $as miscie"ously recallin# tese lines of Pitois as I sat tere facin# my friend L( $o $as claimin# "ictory o"er a silly #irl( insatiable and rec&less% I smiled to myself and can#ed( or at least a!!eared to can#e( te sub6ect% )I understand tat you are !re!arin# a $arm rece!tion for your collea#ue from te Nort2) L bri#tened u!( for e is by nature entusiastic and for some time no$ as left beind im all !rofessional 6ealousies% )4ou mean Maasen2 4es( indeed% A #reat man5 I intend to a"e a front* !a#e !iece on im in te ournal. Tere $ill be a ban3uet and s!eeces( all
"ery i#*flo$n and umbu#% I $ould li&e to see te Acadmie Acadmie mobili+e te best it as for im% A #reat man( "ery #reat% And you0ll see( is is !olitical career as 6ust started% He as e"erytin#% He0s one of tose men I call 0te $ell*endo$ed%0 He as an e-traordinary animal ma#netism( a andsome ead( sil"er treads amon# te #old no$( of course( but tere0s still a loo& of yout about im% % %) )4es( I &no$% I e"en &no$% % % Tey say tat% % %) )Tey say $at2 Affairs $it $omen2) )Naturally% )Naturally% Tey say% % % Fean o"er( I can0t sout tis sort sor t of tin#5) I $is!ered a fe$ $ords in my friend0s ear% He re!lied $it a lon# $istle% )By Jo"e5 But $at documentation( my dear5 Tose are im!ressi"e fi#ures% ,o #a"e tem to you2) )n tis &ind of information( all sources are sus!ect%) ),ell said%) He strai#tened u! and buttoned is coat li&e an offended man about to callen#e anoter to a duel% His bro$n*#old eyes eld a $ic&ed #leam% )( tose Nordics5) e 6o&ed% )I0d 6ust li&e to see tem% % %) 9uddenly conscious of betrayin# ill umor( e tried to co"er u!% )All te same( I don0t see o$ tis% % % ornamental or namental detail can be of interest% ,en $e are concerned $it a man m an li&e Maasen( tat ma#nificent uman edifice() e added( $it #ross irritation( )I don0t care $eter or not te edifice includes a room $it mirrors and te a!!urtenances of a brotel% % %) )f course() I said% He !aid for our t$o oran#eades and !ic&ed u! is #lo"es and stic&% )At any rate() I said( )you0ll let me &no$( &no$( I o!e%) )Fet you &no$ $at2) ),y(( of Maasen0s arri"al% I0d ),y I 0d li&e to tal& to im%) )5 4es% uite% A rater &een little $ind tis( isn0t it2) )A $ind from te Nort% % %)
He ac&no$led#ed tis mediocre trust( #i"in# me a !iercin# loo&% )Hea"ens() e said( )you tin& I0m a little more tan 6ealous of Maasen( don0t you5 All te same( I0"e not yet sun& so lo$ as to indul#e in !ysical 6ealousies5) I soo& my ead in denial and affectionately !atted is bristly sio0cloc& cee&% )My dear man() I felt li&e sayin#( )is tere suc a tin# as non!ysical 6ealousy2) He $ent off( and it $as to is s$in#in# bac&( is e-a##eratedly lon# stride( and to is at tat I addressed myself mentally m entally%% Es!ecially te at( te si#nificant( informati"e( inconstant( !er!le-in# at5 :or a boyis loo&( e sets it too muc on one side7 for a boemian loo&( it0s tilted too far bac&7 and $en it0s tilted too far for$ard( f or$ard( tat means( ),atc ),atc out( $e0re sensiti"e and can be tou#( let no one tread on our toes%) In sum( a at tat refuses to #ro$ old% Tus once a#ain L and I !layed at a$a&in# te ecoes of tat ful#urant clima- of !ossession( te !aro-ysm $a##isly called le plaisir or( or( eu!emistically( eu!emistically( )satisfaction)'nomenclatures I must ado!t( tou# un$illin#ly% un$illin#ly% ,e ,e can tal& about it( !era!s( because it as ne"er treatened us to#eter( to#eter( ne"er !inned one u!on te oter7 or !era!s because my friend lets me see( in is fine )courtsi! !luma#e) $ic e so fre3uently dons( te bald s!ots and te cli!!ed cli!!ed 3uills% % % ,e ,e a"e our abits% ,e be#in by tal&in# a little about our $or&( about te !eo!le !assin# by by(( about te dead( about yesterday and today( and $e com!ete $it eac oter in !leasant incom!atibility1 )No( te $ay I see it( not at all% n te contrary( I% % %) )Ho$ stran#e( I old a diametrically o!!osite o!inion% % %) It needs a $ord or a name and $e fall a#ain into our abitual !ile of cinders( blac& for te most !art( but #lo$in# red ere ere and tere% E-ce!t for te fact tat tat e is te one $o tal&s and more often tan not I am te one $o listens( I feel as res!onsible as e( since( from te minute e first sets is feet in te i#nited traces( I follo$ im and e"en #oad im on% Ha"in# #one beyond te limit one day( e e-!ostulated% )Too )Too muc as been said and too muc $ritten about tis% I #a# at all te literature tat deals $it te consummation of lo"e( do you ear me( it ma&es me "omit5) ,it my fist eld in is fist( e !ounded te table% )It0s time you did() I said% )4 )4ou ou sould a"e "omited on it before $ritin# your sare%)
)And $at about you2) )( tat0s sometin# else a#ain5 I do myself tis 6ustice1 I0"e al$ays $aited( before describin# te confla#ration( to be a little at a distance( cool and in a safe s!ot% ,ereas you% % % In te "ery midst of sufferin#( in te "ery midst of 6oy( o dear( it0s indecent%) He nodded soberly in a#reement( flattered% )4es( )4 es( yes() e murmured% ),at an aberration5) He smiled as if e $ere t$enty*fi"e( $it a fei#ned sadness and a fei#ned umility tat $ere carmin#% )I a"e bea"ed li&e tose si!$rec&ed "oya#ers $o !itc into te car#o and #or#e temsel"es until tey can eat no more% And tey eat no more( for notin# is left( and $at $ill tey eat tomorro$2) )E-actly( )E-actly( my dear man( e-actly% e-actly% But in"ariably sometin# $ill be found $en te need is felt'a barrel of anco"ies at te bottom of te old( or a case of dried beef( or a 3uantity of #ra!efruit and coconuts% % %) He sru#s% He meditates% He tal&s% He tal&s about it. I learn o$ e o"er$elms $omen $it letters( tele#rams( tele!one calls% He laments( e $aits at a s!a( e ides on a 9$iss mountainto!( e ma&es and endures innumerable scenes( emer#in# from it all steamin#( as if from a ot bat( tinner and re#enerated% Tere is notin# of Byronic #loom about im% Rater( e0s a $ar orse( e rears and car#es a#ainst $at e does not com!reend% He is full of "oices tat are te eco of is o$n "oice% He is too im!ortant for te $omen not to feel te need to imitate im( too masculine to elude te #irl $o !uts on a so$ of bein# terribly na"e% Te #irl $ould ne"er be able to fool you( Don Juan( my Don Juan as I see you5 ,en I ad te darin# idea of ma&in# &no$n my )conce!t of Don Juan() douard de Ma- $as still ali"e% He is dead no$( and I no lon#er consider $ritin# te !lay in $ic I $anted im to ta&e te leadin# !art% )douard() I said to im( )o$ do you feel about it2) )I0m too old( my dear%) )E-actly% )E-actly% But for my !lay I need to a"e you old%) )Ten I0m not old enou# for te !art% 4ou0"e 4ou0"e urt my feelin#s%) Te e-!ression in te blue*#reen*#old eyes and te sound of is "oice cast a s!ell%
)But I also need to a"e you "ery seducti"e%) ),ell( tat I can still be( tan& ;od% 4out is not te time to seduce( it is te time to be seduced% ,at does your Don Juan do in te !lay2) )Notin# yet( te !lay isn0t $ritten% And not muc $en it is $ritten% I mean to say( e doesn0t ma&e lo"e'or at any rate( only a "ery little%) )Bra"o5 Is it indis!ensable to ma&e lo"e2 ( it0s all ri#t to do it( but only $it $omen to $om one feels indifferent%) I am 3uotin# Ma- faitfully( for te !leasure of !uttin# is $ords beside tose of a #reat lo"er( :rancis Carco( te no"elist% Just listen no$ to Carco1 )A() e si#s in moments of sim!licity and #loom( )a man sould ne"er #o to bed $it a $oman e lo"es( tat s!oils e"erytin#% % %) And I $ant furter to 3uote Carles 9%1 )Te difficult tin# is not so muc to obtain a $oman0s ultimate fa"ors( but rater( once se as yielded to our desires( to !re"ent er from settin# u! ouse&ee!in# $it us% ,at else can $e do but run2 Don Juan as so$n us te $ay%) )douard() I $ent on( )you0"e #ot to understand me%) )I0m afraid I $ill() Ma- a#reed( and is carmin# smile lost all its #aiety% )Ha"en0t I already understood2) I e-!lained my famous !ro6ect and re!eated te name Don Juan t$enty times% ,itout our bein# a$are of it( te $armt and ma#ic of tat name $o"e a s!ell1 douard0s e-!ression can#ed as( mentally( e assumed te role% I could see is li!s com!ress( is dee!*set eyes s!ar&le blue and #old( te colors of te $ater salamander7 I $as a$are of is ma#nificent mane of air tremblin# as e mo"ed is soulders( and could see is and #radually reac for te ilt of a s$ord% % % )4ou see( after te a#e of fifty( Don Juan% % %) Te inter"al of a dress reearsal at te TQtre Mari#ny sed an unflatterin# li#t on us and on te #ardens( te acid( cold #reen of s!rin#time% It $as tere( for te last time( tat I !romised Ma- tat e sould create te !art of a miso#ynous Don Juan% )Ma&e aste() e said to me% Alas( e $as more !rom!t tan I and descended fore"er to$ard te $a"erin# secondary caracters $it $om I ad not yet ad time to !air im off% I ad already decided tat around im( around Don Juan in is maturity( tere sould be as many $omen as !ossible( and for te most !art youn#( and tat e $ould detest tem% :or I counted on ta&in# as my model a man &no$n to
me( and $o no doubt is still more or less ali"e some$ere or oter% As for tat man( it too& me 3uite a $ile( some years a#o( to see tat e $as Don Juan( because $at little e ad to say about $omen $as offensi"e% A !ersistent youtfulness clun# to is features( $itout im!ro"in# is loo&s( and indeed it $as rater a curse% Besides( e ad no need of it% I can0t fi#ure out $eter $omen $ere dra$n strai#t to is eyes( bated in a false and saline mistiness li&e #ray oysters( or to is li!s( al$ays sut o"er is small and re#ular teet% All I can say is( tey $ere dra$n strai#t to im% ,ere e $as concerned( tey at once ac3uired te set !ur!ose of somnambulists and bruised temsel"es a#ainst im as if a#ainst a !iece of furniture( to suc an e-tent did tey seem not to see im% Tey $ere te ones $o desi#nated im to me by is true name( Don Juan% ,itout tem( I $ould ne"er a"e tou#t of a!!lyin# tat name( of umble ori#in really( born of a "ery fe$ !a#es( but eternal( for no oter name in any lan#ua#e as e"er su!!lanted it% ne of is most stri&in# caracteristics $as te fact tat e ne"er urried% ;olf( tennis( ridin# &e!t is dia!ra#m flat and is muscles in trim% But I confessed to im my sur!rise tat( e-ce!t for #ames( e $as al$ays last to arri"e at functions $ere !oliteness or te obli#ation to be !leasant sould a"e been is #uide% )It0s not out of la+iness() e re!lied "ery seriously( )but to maintain my di#nity%) I lau#ed and all too readily a#reed $it is ri"als( $o sneered at te offand attitude of tis man $o $as more successful $it $omen tan tey% )Tat imbecile( tat idiot of a Damien% % %) I am ere besto$in# u!on im a name $ic recalls is true name( a rater old*fasioned one% % % Fater on( $ile I $as $or&in# on Ch$ri, I tried to !ersuade myself tat Damien( youn#( could a"e ser"ed as model for me( but I soon sa$ tat Damien( a stiff and rater limited sort( $as far from a"in# te indul#ent $imsicality( te im!udence and boyisness indis!ensable to Cri% Tey ad notin# in common e-ce!t a similar melancoly( and a &een intuiti"eness( e-traordinary in Damien% ne day e so$ed me( in confidence and out of "ain#lory( te cabinet $ere e &e!t is letters from $omen% It $as a tall !iece of furniture( im!ressi"e beneat its bron+e a!!li3ues( and $as !ro"ided $it a undred little dra$ers%
)nly a undred5) I e-claimed% )Te dra$ers are subdi"ided inside() Damien re!lied( $it te solemnity tat ne"er left im% )And do $omen still $rite letters2) )4es( tey $rite% A #reat many do( really a #reat many%) )uite a fe$ men a"e assured me tat $omen no$adays merely use te tele!one( reinforced by a fe$ petits *leus+ )Te men to $om $omen don0t $rite no$adays are sim!ly men to $om $omen don0t $rite( !eriod%) I li&ed bein# $it im( as I li&e bein# $it s$ift animals $o are motionless $en at rest% He tal&ed little( and I belie"e e $as second*rate in e"erytin# e-ce!t te !erformance of is mission on eart% ,en I finally o"ercame is mistrust( I $as #reatly edified by is sententious and 3uasi* meteorolo#ical manner% It $as almost identical to tat of country !eo!le $o forecast te $eater( understand te tem!er of animals and te intentions of te $ind'I belie"e I need loo& no furter for te secret of our a!!arently un6ustifiable friendsi!% To amuse and astonis me( e &e!t me informed as to o$ e )lured) $omen to teir fall( one misste! after anoter% Please note tat( unli&e is ancestor( e did not seduce cloistered little ninnies( $inin# little Catolic !ussycats( $arm and $eaned% It too& little !ro$ess( certainly( to seduce Ins5 I $as dumbfounded( o$e"er( at te monotony and sim!licity of te amorous maneu"ers% Bet$een Damien and te $omen tere $as not te sli#test int of di!lomacy% It $as rater a 3uestion of merely !ronouncin# te ma#ic $ord( )!en sesame5) I belie"e e concealed a rater modest family bac&#round% Tis $ould e-!lain is a#reeably e-a##erated reser"e( is discreet "ocabulary% His successes $ere neiter retarded nor reduced by tis7 on te contrary( since a #reat many $omen a"e a secret a"ersion to men of #entle birt% At te ris& of bein# tou#t older tan e $as( e did not use te current slan#% ,en $e establised our friendsi!( Damien $as becomin# almost as ard on imself as on )tem() is $omen% ld a#e( declinin# !o$ers( and !ysical decre!itude $ere condemned by im accordin# to te code of te !rimiti"es $o &ill off te a#ed and e-ecute te infirm% Merciless'in a $ell*mannered $ay%
I !ut some 3uestions tat must a"e seemed rater na"e'for instance( te follo$in# e-can#e% ),at memory( Damien( do you belie"e you left $it te $omen( $it most of tem2) His #ray eyes( $ic $ere usually alf closed( no$ o!ened $ide% ),at memory2 ,y( $itout a doubt( a feelin# of not a"in# ad 3uite enou#%) Te tone of is re!ly soc&ed me( altou# it $as too curt for me to notice at once its fatuity% I sur"eyed tis cold man( $o $as not at all affected( $ose #ood loo&s $ere not in te least banal or standardi+ed% Te only fla$s I could find in is !ysi3ue $ere is ands and feet( $ic $ere too small and dainty( a detail tat I find im!ortant% As for is #ray eyes and dar& air( tat is a contrast tat "i"idly stri&es us $omen and $e say( com!lacently( tat it is a si#n of a stron# caracter% Te man of stron# caracter dei#ned to add a fe$ $ords1 ),eter I ad tem at once or let tem lan#uis a little( I ad to lea"e tem te minute I $as sure tey $ould blame me for ruinin# tem% Tat about sums it u!%) I &no$ tat e"ery metier be#ets its !articular lies and litanies( but e"en so( I listened to Damien incredulously% )I ad to% % %) But $y did e a"e to2 I !ut te 3uestion% He re!lied in is usual firm "oice( is usual dry manner( as if e $ere !redictin# te bad $eater to be e-!ected at te ne-t full moon( or a de"astatin# scour#e of cater!illars% )4ou surely $ouldn0t e-!ect me to dedicate myself to teir a!!iness( once I $as sure of tem2 Besides( if I ad s!ent my time ma&in# lo"e( I $ould ne"er a"e been te Don Juan I $as and am%) I recall tat tis instruction $as im!arted to me bet$een midni#t and t$o o0cloc& in te mornin#( in one of tose un!redictable to$ns $ere dar&ness is te #lacial o!!osite of dayli#t and $ere only te ni#t ma&es one a$are of te nearness and attraction of te sea% Damien and I $ere drin&in# a s$eetis oran#eade dro$ned $it $ater( a otel oran#eade( an end*of*te*season oran#eade( and $ere sittin# beneat te #lass roof of a otel lobby Damien ad come to my dressin# room to fetc me after my
!antomime act% )I0m in tis to$n rusticatin#() e ad briefly e-!lained( usin# a $ord tat $as out of date% He abstained from alcool% )It brin#s #ray airs() e said( leanin# o"er is #oblet to so$ is dar& air( $ic $as rater !lentifully treaded $it #ray( #listenin# li&e aluminum% He si!!ed is oran#eade tou#tfully trou# a stra$( and as my eyes rested on is fine mout( I reflected tat tere $as sometin# about it tat aroused ideas of s$eetness( of slee!( sometin# secret and #entle and sad'and still youtful% And I remembered te ada#e1 )A &issed mout ne"er #ro$s old%) I a"e often tou#t about tis man $o ad neiter $it nor #aiety nor te disarmin# coarseness tat $omen find deli#tful and reassurin#% His only asset $as is function% I a"e tried to !ersuade myself a undred times tat notin# in im stirred my senses( only to admit a undred times tat tis $as only a !art of te trut( te !lain and sort( te meanin#less !art of te trut% )4ou ad to lea"e tem() I re!eated% )But $y2 Is "ictory all you $ant2 r( on te contrary( is tis "ictory of no im!ortance to you2) He turned my 3uestion o"er in is mind% Ten( as if it ad reaced im from a lon# $ay off( e cla!!ed te !alms of is ands to#eter and forcefully interlaced is fin#ers% I e-!ected im to let out a torrent of abuse( to s!ea& out( to say no matter $at% I $anted im to #i"e $ay to an#er( to ma&e some &ind of ro$ tat $ould !ro"e im to be illo#ical( $ea&( and feminine'$at e"ery $oman $ants e"ery man to be at least once in is life% I $anted to see im roll u! is eyes !atetically( $anted im to so$ te u#ly em!ty $ites( instead of tose eyelids li&e sutters( slanted do$n( cautious( selterin# te !roud and re!ro"in# #a+e of is lo$ered eyes% Notin# tat I $anted to a!!en a!!ened% Instead( Damien be#an to tal& 3uietly( in sort and abru!t !rases tat I $ould be ard !ut to recall and $rite do$n( because te meanin# of $ords cannot be se!arated from teir sound or from te monotonous deli"ery( $it fre3uent !auses( $ic el!ed Damien at times to ide and at oters to e-!ress te dee!est resentment% Not for a moment did e lose te least di#nity( at any rate te !ysical di#nity of a man accustomed to li"e is life in !ublic% He did not let out any of te crude old $ords tat $e all carry in our subconscious since our cildood( since our scooldays% He named no one and committed only one error of taste( te casual reference to is mistresses in mentionin# te title or ran& or social !osition of teir usbands or !rotectors% )% % % 9e $as te dear and close friend of a #reat industrialist% % %) )Her usband $as a !eer of te realm% % %) );ood ;od( you can0t ima#ine o$ borin# a Bal&an #rain dealer
can be to a $oman5) He tal&ed for a lon# time% My otel dar&ened7 in te late ours $e $ere allo$ed only a reduced li#t $ic fell from te i# ceilin#% A ni#t $atcman in correct li"ery but $earin# !re!osterous car!et sli!!ers suffled across te all% ),ell no$( !lease tell me() said Damien( )$at did I #et out of all tis2) Fistenin# is an effort tat a#es te face( ma&es te nec& muscles ace( and stiffens te eyelids loo&in# fi-edly at te s!ea&er% It is a &ind of studied debauc% % % Not only te listenin#( but te inter!retin#% % % te ele"atin# to its secret meanin# a litany of dull $ords( !romotin# acrimony to #rief or $ild desire% )By $at ri#t2 By $at ri#t did tey al$ays #et more out of it tan I did2 If only I could doubt tat tey did5 But I ad only to loo& at tem% Teir satisfaction $as all too real% Teir tears( as $ell% But teir satisfaction es!ecially% % %) At tis !oint e did not indul#e in any di#ression on te bold immodesty of females% But im!erce!tibly e tre$ out is cest( as if to sa&e off $at in effect e $as seein# in is mind( li&e$ise )subdi"ided inside%) )Tey allo$ us to be teir master in te se- act( but ne"er teir e3ual% Tat is $at I cannot for#i"e tem%) He too& a dee! breat( !leased at a"in# so clearly rid imself of te essential moti"e of is lon#( lo$*"oiced lament% He turned from one side to te oter( as if to call a $aiter( but all te ni#t life of te otel ad $itdra$n into a sin#le uman snore( nearby and re#ular% Damien terefore satisfied imself $it te rest of te te!id soda $ater( com!osedly $i!ed is #entle mout( and smiled s$eetly at me from te de!t of is $ilderness% Te ni#t !assed o"er im softly( and is "itality seemed to be a !art of a !articular asceticism% % % At te be#innin# of is confidential tal& e ad successi"ely sin#led out( to so$ tem off better( te famous mistress of te #reat industrialist( te titled lady( te actress( but from ten on e used only te !lural% Fost amon# tem( feelin# is $ay trou# a cro$d( trou# a floc&( scarcely #uided by suc landmar&s as a breast( a i!( te !os!orescent furro$ of a tear% % % )9ensual !leasure( satisfaction( #ood( yes( satisfaction( tat0s
understood% If anyone in te $orld &no$s $at it is( I0m te one% But beyond tat to% % % No( really( tey #o too far%) He soo& out $at remained of is drin& on te ru#( li&e a $a#oner in a country inn( and $itout e-cusin# imself% ,ere tose dro!s of $arm $ater meant to insult a $oman or te entire in"isible orde tat ad no fear of te con6uration2 .)Tey #o to far%) Tey #o( to be#in $it( as far as te man leads tem( and te man demands a #reat deal in is conceit( is into-icatin# con"iction tat e is im!artin# an arcane science% Ten( te "ery ne-t day( e says( ),at as become of my innocent #irl of yesterday2) He si#s and e-claims( ),at a"e I in common $it tis se*#oat at a $itces0 re"el2)/ )Do tey really #o so far2) )4ou can belie"e me() e said laconically% )And tey &ee! #oin#( tey don0t &no$ o$ to sto!%) He a"erted is eyes in a $ay tat $as caracteristic( ostensibly( li&e a man $o( confrontin# an o!en letter( refrains from readin# it for fear of betrayin# on is features $at e mi#t tus disonestly find out% )Pera!s it $as your fault% Did you ne"er #i"e a $oman time to #et used to you( to become mollified( to rela-2) ),at in te $orld5) e scoffed% )Peace( after all tat2 Cucumber cold cream for te ni#t and te ne$s!a!ers in bed in te mornin#2) He stretced imself discreetly( is only confession of ner"ous fati#ue% I res!ected is silence( te elli!tical $ord of a man $o ad ne"er in is life treated $it te enemy or laid aside is armor or admitted te least failure of ener#y'$ic is a &ind of re!ose'to enter into is lo"e*ma&in#% )In sort( Damien( you a"e te same conce!t of lo"e tat used to be caracteristic of youn# #irls( $o could not ima#ine a $arrior e-ce!t $it is $ea!on dra$n or a lo"er e-ce!t ready at any moment to !ro"e is lo"e2) )Tere0s sometin# in tat() e conceded( )and on tat score te $omen I0"e &no$n ne"er a"e ad any reason to com!lain% I educated tem $ell% But as for $at tey e"er #a"e me in e-can#e% % %) He stood u!% I $as afraid of reco#ni+in# in im anoter a##lin# trader( disa!!ointed in a bar#ain'for I ad met and &no$n one else$ere and at closer ran#e% I $as afraid of findin# te ans$er to is riddle and of a"in# Don Juan can#e before my eyes into merely an unluc&y creditor% I terefore
urried to re!ly% ),at tey0"e #i"en you2 ,y( I sould tin&( teir #rief% 9o you0re not all tat badly !aid after all( are you2) He so$ed me ten tat e $as neiter #o"erned by is model nor 6ealous of im% )Teir #rief() e re!eated( )yes( teir #rief% Tat0s "ery indefinable% And I don0t a!!reciate it as muc as you tin&% Teir #rief% % % I0m not a mean !erson% I only $is tat I could a"e recei"ed'if only for a moment'as muc as I #a"e%) He started to #o% A#ain I eld im bac&% )Tell me( Damien% % % Aside from te men I0"e seen you s!ea& to( a"e you any male friends2) He smiled% )( really5 They $ouldn0t a"e tolerated it%) Buried beneat tat con#lomeration of $omen( e ad ad no "entilatin# saft to !ro"ide im $it some fres air% % % But 6ust as I $as about to re#ard te life of tis man $it orror( I suddenly tou#t tat any alteration in te desi#n( any )re!entance) $ould a"e turned a modestly le#endary fi#ure into a !itiful caricature% ;rotes3ue( te idea of a 6o"ial Damien bein# consoled for is $ic&ed $omen by !als $o $ould sla! im on te bac& and #i"e im teir ad"ice1 ):or#et it% Come alon#( friendsi! is% % %) I ad 6ust ima#ined tis final do$nfall $en Damien reassured me( $it tat se"erity $ic( for lac& of oter "irtues( constituted is self* res!ect% )I a"e notin# to say to men and ne"er ad% Jud#in# from te little time I0"e s!ent $it tem( teir usual con"ersation is sic&enin#% Besides( tey bore me% I belie"e() e esitated( ten concluded( )I belie"e I don0t understand men%) )4ou e-a##erate( Damien% It $ould a"e been different ad you been obli#ed to earn a li"in# and been !ut in daily contact $it men( or if $omen ad ruined you materially% % %) )Ruined2 ,y( !lease( ruined2 ,at0s money #ot to do $it te to!ic $e0re discussin#( $ic( by te $ay( as &e!t us u! so late ere'I really $onder $y%)
He $as losin# !atience and cec&ed imself% )4ou0"e been told() e $ent on more #ently( )tat te idea of money ine"itably enters into lo"e affairs% 4ou0"e been told% % %) He smiled( in #ood fettle des!ite te late our% )Too bad you don0t a"e a son% I $ould a"e tau#t im te fe$ $ords tat a man li&e me sould &no$% % %) I !rotested1 )% % % and $ic $ould a"e doubtless been useless( for I sim!ly cannot see myself $it a son $o $ould resemble you%) )Ha"e no re#rets() e said $it disobli#in# s$eetness% )Not e"eryone can a"e a son li&e me% I scarcely &no$ more tan t$o or tree suc men( and tey are 3uite circums!ect% E"en so( I $ill s!ea& te fe$ $ords to you( $ic you0ll not understand1 0;i"e notin#'ta&e notin#%0) I $as dumbfounded% )4ou see() Damien noted #aily( )I0m deli#ted5 I $as al$ays a little afraid you $eren0t any more intelli#ent tan oter $omen% No$( my dear( I must e-cuse myself for a"in# stayed so lon#%) ),ait() I e-claimed( catcin# im by te slee"e% )If you $ant to &ee! your !resti#e $it me( e-!lain yourself% I don0t al$ays res!ect $at I don0t understand% 0;i"e notin#( ta&e notin#%0 ,at e-actly do you mean by 0notin#02 Neiter flo$ers nor 6e$els nor ban¬es nor art ob6ects2 Are you tin&in# of *i*elots( #old( credit( furnisin#s( real estate2) He #ra"ely inclined is $ell*sa!ed ead% )E-actly( all tat% It is ard( I admit( not to brea& te rule% But one soon !ercei"es tat te bracelet is !oisoned( te rin# unfaitful( te card case or te nec&lace disturbers of dreams( te sil"er ea#er to land on te #amblin# table% % %) It $as fun to see im becomin# sententious a#ain( #loryin# in a science e ad in"ented( and as !ositi"e as a "illa#e sootsayer% )9o one sould neiter #i"e nor recei"e2) I lau#ed% )And if te lo"er is !oor( is mistress indi#ent( ten bot se and e must tactfully let temsel"es and eac oter die2) )Fet tem die() e re!eated% I ad accom!anied im as far as te re"ol"in# #lass door of te lobby% )Fet tem die() e said a#ain% )It0s less dan#erous% I can s$ear on my $ord of onor tat I ne"er #a"e a !resent or made a loan or an e-can#e of
anytin# e-ce!t% % % tis% % %) He $a"ed bot ands in a com!licated #esture $ic fleetin#ly indicated is cest( is mout( is #enitals( is ti#s% Tan&s no doubt to my fati#ue( I $as reminded of an animal standin# on its ind le#s and un$indin# te in"isible% Ten e resumed is strictly uman si#nificance( o!ened te door( and easily min#led $it te ni#t outside( $ere te sea $as already a little !aler tan te s&y% I treasure te memory of tat man% Altou# I a"e ne"er lac&ed close friends( rarer in my life a"e been te friends $o $ere not close( bet$een $om and me !assed a sensual current( a mysterious force tat made tem( to be#in $it( rater cantan&erous and s!ar&lin#( ten dull( snuffed out li&e a candle% I en6oyed seein# Damien fi-ed in is error'as $e call any fait tat is not ours% Besides( e satisfied te li&in# I a"e al$ays ad for te mysterious "oid( and for certain !ri"ile#ed creatures and teir steadiness in a su!!osedly !arado-ical e3uilibrium( and es!ecially for te di"ersity and steadfastness of teir sensual code of onor% Not only onor( but !oetic feelin#( as $en Damien a!!lied is lyricism to abandonin# is mistresses and lettin# tem die% )Fet tem die() e said( and e said( )I had to lea"e tem%) He $ould a"e been baffled ad I told im .as I ne"er did/ tat in is )I ad to lea"e tem) resided is sim!licity( and tat $en e tou#t e $as bein# coldly calculatin#( e $as bein# a !oet and a fatalist% His tan&less and $ell*lo"ed duties sut im off from e"erytin# else( and I could a"e learned a lot from im and about im ad e not( in is atred of any contest of $its( !racticed te em!iricism of te $ild beast teacin# er youn#1 )Foo&% Tis is te $ay I 6um!( tis is te $ay you ou#t to 6um!%) ),y2) )Because tis is te $ay to 6um!%) I lin#er o"er tis memory% If Damien is still ali"e( e is no$ more tan se"enty years old% Has te time come for is deli"erance2 And once freed( $at does e amount to2 If e reads tese lines and tis boo&( in $ic I o!e to add my !ersonal contribution to te sum total of our &no$led#e of te senses( e $ill smile and sru#( te tran3uil little #ray*aired #entleman% If in is latter years e as married some stoutearted $oman( e $ill &ee! it 3uiet tat e $as Damien1 tis $ill be is last !leasure and is su!reme deed of dar&ness% ,at could be te a"o$able end of Damien( oter tan a !remature deat2 But tere is no !remature deat for a man utterly dedicated to con3uest( solitude( and "ain fli#t1 e is al$ays at an a#e to die% He embodied tat ty!e of man $om oter men unanimously refer to
as )a !erson de"oid of all interest%) ,en( by cance( e ad to deal $it ordinary men( e $as al$ays( I noticed( te one $o $as embarrassed and momentarily at a disad"anta#e% And if in is !resence tey told te usual off* color 6o&es( e barely #a"e a si#n tat e eard% Ho$e"er( surroundin# im tere $as an e-!andin# +one as subtle as a !erfume( #radually !ercei"ed by te men !resent( and $it a"ersion% Tey 6ustified tis a"ersion as best tey could% ),at does tat caracter o"er tere do for a li"in#2) one of tem as&ed me( addin#( )I can0t stomac im% I0ll bet e0s a !ederast%) I could ardly &ee! from lau#in# o"er te $ay te sus!icious man $as betrayin# is o$n na"e and e3ui"ocal bea"ior'e $as lim! $it an-iety and as irritable as a !rude on te !oint of lettin# erself be seduced( as e cast contem!tuous #lances at te sus!ected man( te "ery #lances I ad seen one of Damien0s mistresses dart at im before se succumbed% 9e( too( ad referred to im as )tat caracter() to be#in $it% And $en se stood u! after sittin# beside im( se brused er s&irt as if to sa&e off some crumbs% Tat #esture $as( I felt( almost a morbid tic% )Fea"e er alone() I told Damien% )I0m not doin# anytin# to er() e re!lied% In fact( e did notin# but o"er in er "icinity and ma&e rater trite remar&s% And al$ays se stood u! ner"ously and left( in a telltale $ay( #oin# to$ard te nearest e-it'te terrace of te casino( te frenc $indo$ of te salon( a #arden #ate% He needed no stron#er int and "acated te !lace% ,en se returned( se ine-!licably loo&ed for im7 to be e-act( I di"ined it from te $ay te nostrils of er !erfect little nose flared and te im!atience $it $ic se !used aside te em!ty cairs in er $ay% ,atcin# er $as $at made me belie"e tat all of us in tat man0s !resence scented a deli#tful sometin#( if I may flatter te atmos!ere surroundin# im by associatin# it $it te most aristocratic of our fi"e senses( te olfactory% ,at a!!ened later $as te usual tin#1 te t$o( of course( became lo"ers( and te youn# $oman $as alternately radiant and !ale( unsociable and #ay( "isibly a##ard so lon# as se resisted( dasin#ly re6u"enated $en se sto!!ed resistin#% And $en te our struc& tat indicated( accordin# to Damien and is !articular reli#ion( tat )it $as really necessary) for te affair to end( se "anised as if Damien ad tro$n er into a $ell% No doubt in describin# im I am slurrin# te caracter of tis dis!enser of !leasure( ill recom!ensed and !robably 3uite inca!able( if e ad so desired( of #i"in# any $oman lastin# a!!iness%
In is o$n $ay e also $ent )too far) $en e accorded unlimited credit to te sensual satisfaction tat e #a"e% Can is obsession $it !otency e"er e3ual( for a lo"er( is obsession $it im!otence2 And $at $ould e a"e said ad e e"er met te $oman $o( out of seer #enerosity( fools te man by simulatin# ecstasy2 But I need not $orry on tat score1 most surely e encountered Carlotte( and !era!s more tan once% 9e !roduced for im er little bro&en cries( $ile se turned er ead aside( and $ile er air "eiled er foreead( er cee&( er alf*sut eyes( lucid and attenti"e to er master0s !leasure% % % Te Carlottes of tis $orld nearly al$ays a"e lon# air% At a time $en I $as'or tou#t I $as'insensible to Damien0s attraction( I su##ested tat e and I #o for a "oya#e to#eter( a !air of courteously e#otistic com!anions( accommodatin#( fond of lon# silences% % % )I only li&e to tra"el $it $omen() e re!lied% His #entle tone $as meant to soften te brutal remar&% But( afraid e ad offended me( e dressed it u! $it a remar& tat $as e"en $orse% )4ou( a $oman2 ,y( try as you $ill% % %)
A Cam!ion( $en defeated by anoter cam!ion( is noneteless ready to a!!laud a su!erior s!eed( an innate ability to cut te air and co"er distance% Damien0s remar& urt me for 3uite a $ile( and since it a!!ened to be one of te last remar&s e e"er made to me( I ne"er ad te o!!ortunity to admit to im tat( oddly enou#( I $as secretly cra"in# 6ust ten to be com!letely a $oman% I am not alludin# to a former self( a !ublic and le#endary fi#ure tat I ad ostentatiously culti"ated and arran#ed as to costume and e-ternal details% I am alludin# to a #enuine mental erma!roditism $ic burdens certain i#ly com!le- uman bein#s% And if Damien0s !ronouncement "e-ed me( it $as because I a!!ened to be
ma&in# a !articular effort at te time to rid myself of tis ambi#uity( alon# $it all its fla$s and !ri"ile#es( and to offer tem u!( still $arm( at te feet of a certain man to $om I offered a ealty and 3uite female body and its !era!s fallacious "ocation of ser"ant% But as for te man( e $as not ta&en in7 e ad detected te masculine strea& in my caracter by some trait of mine I could not identify( and( tou# tem!ted( ad fled% Fater e returned( full of #rud#es and mistrust% And I did not as yet tin& to !ut to use te $arnin# Damien ad #i"en me% f $at a"ail is it to $arn te blind2 Te blind trust only teir o$n $ell*&no$n infallibility and are determined to assume te full res!onsibility of urtin# temsel"es% Tus I urt myself in my o$n stu!id and fortri#t $ay% )Tere0s no reason to be so u!set() Mar#uerite Moreno said to me one day% ),y don0t you 6ust acce!t te fact tat for certain men some $omen re!resent a ris& of omose-uality2) )4ou and I may comfort oursel"es $it tat tou#t( Mar#uerite( at any rate% But if $at you say is true( $o $ill reali+e tat $e are $omen2) )ter $omen% ,omen aren0t offended or deluded by our masculine $it% Tin& it o"er% % %) I interru!ted er $it a #esture% ,e ad te comfortable abit of lea"in# a sentence an#in# mid$ay as soon as one of us ad #ras!ed te !oint% Mar#uerite Moreno tou#t I sto!!ed er no$ out of decency( and se fell silent% No one can ima#ine te number of sub6ects( te amount of $ords tat are left out of te con"ersation of t$o $omen $o can tal& to eac oter $it absolute freedom% Tey can allo$ temsel"es te lu-ury of coosin# $at to say% )A #reat many men a"e a feminine strea& in teir mental ma&eu!() Moreno continued% )I em!asi+e1 in teir mental ma&eu!%) )I 3uite understood() I said #loomily% )% % % Because( $en it comes to morals( tey are unassailable( tey are 3uite strict( as a matter of fact5) Amused( I nodded in a#reement% )% % % And tey are #allant souls( in te #eneral acce!tance of te term( te military $ay of usin# it% But o( o$ tey srie& if a cater!illar #ra+es tem or if a bee flies too close7 and 6ust notice o$ tey #o !ale at te "ery
si#t of a bi# blac& coc&roac or te coc&roac0s cousin( te ear$i#% % %) )Tem2 Are tey all tat numerous( Mar#uerite2) 9e bo$ed er ead $it tat #ra"e( donnis air tat !eo!le $o a"e seen er films find so comic% )And $at about us2 ,at about us $omen $o constitute teir omose-ual ris&2 Are $e e3ually numerous2) ):ar from it( I0m sorry to say% ,it an e3ual( e"en an e3ual in number( one can al$ays #et alon#% I0"e not finised% I0"e #ot only as far as te coc&roac% But a"en0t you noticed( $en they let temsel"es #o in a "iolent scene $it a $oman( a"en0t you noticed tat tey ne"er for#et to &ee! teir eyes a"erted from te face of te $oman tey0re blac&#uardin#( and focus on er ands2) )And if tey0re 3uarrelin# $it a man2) )Tey ne"er ma&e scenes $it anoter man% Tey may des!ise and fear te oter man( but rater tan be obli#ed to e-can#e $ords $it im( tey !refer to a"e it out in a duel%) I burst out lau#in#'it does one #ood( $en at a safe distance from te cla$s tat a"e $ounded us( to lau# at tem( e"en $en te old $ounds are still ra$ and #a!in#% )In sort() te clair"oyant continued( )if tey are often deluded by te e-!ression on our face( tey can more safely consult( beind us( te e-!ression on our bac&% % % ( o$ beautifully tey lau#( and o$ easily tey $ee!5) 9e uttered a 9!anis oat and made a face at some memory or oter% Ten se ya$ned and succumbed to slee!( leanin# er ead a#ainst te i#* bac&ed armcair% Her stron#( se-less features softened a little as se san& into te sudden slee! of all trained $or&ers( $o &no$ o$ to recou! teir stren#t by ta&in# a ten*minute na! in te bus or te Metro( a 3uarter of an our at reearsals as tey sit on te taboret tat $ill ser"e in one scene as a Re#ency des& and in te ne-t $ill re!resent a flo$erin# ed#e( or beneat te tro!ical li#ts of te cinema studios% 9ittin# or leanin#( tey slee! te slee! of te care$orn( te $eary( te conscientious $or&er% Aslee!( se rater resembled Dante( or a refined idal#o( or Feonardo da inci0s 9aint Jon te Ba!tist% No$ tat our $oman0s $ealt of air is sorn( $en our breasts and ands and stomac are idden( $at remains of our feminine e-teriors2 9lee! brin#s an incalculable number of $omen to assume te
form tey $ould no doubt a"e cosen if teir $a&in# state did not &ee! tem in i#norance of temsel"es% Te same a!!lies to men% % % ( te carm of a slee!in# man( o$ "i"idly I recall it5 :rom foreead to mout e $as( beind is closed eyelids( all smiles( $it te arc noncalance of a sultana beind a barred $indo$% And I $o $ould $illin#ly a"e been com!letely $oman( com!letely and stu!idly female( $it $at male $istfulness did I #a+e at tat man $o ad suc a deli#tful lau# and $o could res!ond to a beautiful !oem or landsca!e% % % Tat man al$ays comes into our li"es more tan once% His second a!!arition is less fri#tenin#( for $e ad tou#t im uni3ue in te art of !leasin# and destroyin#7 by rea!!earin#( e loses stature% ;rud#in#ly $e confer u!on im #enerous and noble attributes and ma&e te ine"itable #estures to $ic e as te ri#t( $e em!loy an antro!ometry tat renders im common!lace% :asioned for te use and te ostility of $oman( e noneteless reco#ni+es at a distance( in a man( is o$n s!ecies and te amiable !eril is o$n s!ecies re!resents( and so e ste!s aside% :or e &no$s tat e is stri!!ed of is !o$ers te minute a $oman( in tal&in# about im( sould say )tey) instead of )e)% % % )Isn0t it a fact( Mar#uerite( tat a standardi+ed e-ecutioner% % %) But Mar#uerite Moreno $as slee!in#( er con3uistador nose turned to$ard ad"enture% Her dee! slee! #a"e to er mout( small and firm in er $a&in# state( a !lainti"e loo& of submission% Cautiously I reaced for a li#t co"erlet and laid it o"er Cimne and Fe Cid( closely united in te slee! of a sin#le body% Ten I resumed my !ost at te side of a $or&table( $ere my $oman0s eyes follo$ed( on te !ale blue bonded !a!er( te ard and stubby and of a #ardener $ritin#% A $oman needs a fine and rare sincerity and a #ood amount of i#* minded sim!licity to determine $at it is in er tat ti!s te scale and adds some standard and a!!ro"ed element to er clandestine se- life% 9incerity is not a s!ontaneous flo$er( nor is modesty eiter% Damien $as te first to desi#nate( in a $ord( my !lace in te sceme of tin#s% I belie"e e assi#ned to me te !lace of a s!ectator7 e felt I sould a"e one of tose coice seats tat allo$ te s!ectator( $en e-cited( to rus out on te sta#e and( duly sta##erin#( 6oin te actors and ta&e !art in $at is #oin# on%
I $as not lon# deluded by tose !oto#ra!s tat so$ me $earin# a stiff mannis collar( nec&tie( sort 6ac&et o"er a strai#t s&irt( a li#ted ci#arette bet$een t$o fin#ers% Certainly I turned on tem a less !enetratin# loo& tan did tat arrant old demon of !aintin#( Boldini% I sa$ im for te first time in is studio( $ere te #o$n of a bi# unfinised !ortrait of a $oman( a satin #o$n of blindin# $ite'!e!!ermint*lo+en#e $ite'cau#t and flased bac& all te li#t in te room% Boldini turned is #riffin face a$ay from te !ortrait and #a"e me a deliberate stare% )Are you te one() e said( )$o !uts on a dinner 6ac&et in te e"enin#2) )I may a"e done so( for a costume !arty%) )4ou0re te one $o !lays te mime2) )4es%) )And you0re te one $o #oes on sta#e $itout ti#ts2 And $o dances ' cos, cos '3uite na&ed2) )I be# your !ardon5 I0"e ne"er a!!eared na&ed on any sta#e% It may a"e been said( and said in !rint( but te trut is% % %) He $as not e"en listenin#% He lau#ed( sre$dly( insinuatin#ly( and !atted my cee&% )My( $at a !ro!er youn# lady $e are() e murmured( )$at a !ro!er youn# lady $e are5) At once e for#ot me and returned to is $or&( e-!endin#( for te benefit of te !e!!ermint*lo+en#e !aintin#( is demonic ener#y in fro#li&e lea!s( #ur#les( srie&s( in ma#ical brus stro&es( in Italian ballads( and in monolo#ues% )A #rreat meesta&e5 A #rreat meesta&e5) e yel!ed suddenly% He lea!ed bac&$ard( eyed te )meesta&e() reco"ered is ener#y and #a"e it( as if by sur!rise( a subtle lic& of te brus% )% % % Meeraculously co*rect*ed5) He !aid no more attention to me% An em!ty #o$n( lac&luster( not 3uite $ite( $as !osin# for im on an armcair% It $as from tat dull #o$n tat e $as creatin# on te can"as( stro&e by stro&e( te $ites of cream( of sno$( of #la+ed !a!er( of ne$ metal( te $ite of te unfatomable( and te $ite of bonbons( a tour de force of $ites% % % I remember tat my do# Toby
trembled a#ainst my le#s7 e already &ne$ more tan I did( certainly( about te missa!en di"inity $o $as lea!in# about tere in front of us% % % Te )!ro!er youn# lady() offended( too& di#nified lea"e( ad6usted te ¬ of a mannis nec&tie tat ad been im!orted from Fondon( and $ent a$ay( loo&in# as muc as !ossible li&e a bad boy( to re6oin a stran#e com!any of $omen $o led a mar#inal and timorous life( sustained by an out*of*date form of snobbisness% Ho$ timid I $as( at tat !eriod $en I $as tryin# to loo& li&e a boy( and o$ feminine I $as beneat my dis#uise of cro!!ed air% ),o $ould ta&e us to be $omen2 ,y( $omen%) Tey alone $ere not fooled% ,it suc distin#uisin# mar&s as !leated sirt front( ard collar( sometimes a $aistcoat( and al$ays a sil& !oc&et and&ercief( I fre3uented a society !erisin# on te mar#in of all societies% Altou# morals( #ood and bad( a"e not can#ed durin# te !ast t$enty*fi"e or tirty years( class consciousness( in destroyin# itself( as #radually undermined and debilitated te cli3ue I am referrin# to( $ic tried( tremblin# $it fear( to li"e $itout y!ocrisy( te breatable air of society% Tis cli3ue( or sect( claimed te ri#t of )!ersonal freedom) and e3uality $it omose-uality( tat im!erturbable establisment% And tey scoffed( if in $is!ers( at )Pa!a) F!ine( te Prefect of Police( $o ne"er could ta&e li#tly te 3uestion of $omen in men0s clotes% Te aderents of tis cli3ue of $omen e-acted secrecy for teir !arties( $ere tey a!!eared dressed in lon# trousers and dinner 6ac&ets and bea"ed $it unsur!assed !ro!riety% Tey tried to reser"e for temsel"es certain bars and restaurants and to en6oy tere te #uilty !leasures of bac&#ammon and be+i3ue% Ten tey #a"e u! te stru##le( and te sect0s most stubborn !roselytes ne"er crossed te street or left teir carria#e $itout !uttin# on( eart !oundin#( a lon# !lain cloa& $ic #a"e tem an e-cessi"ely res!ectable loo& and effecti"ely concealed teir masculine attire% At te ome of te best*&no$n $oman amon# tem 'te best &no$n and te most misunderstood'fine $ines( lon# ci#ars( !oto#ra!s of a smartly turned*out orseman( one or t$o lan#uorous !ortraits of "ery !retty $omen( bes!o&e te sensual and ra&is life of a bacelor% But te lady of te ouse( in dar& masculine attire( belied any idea of #aiety or bra"ado% Pale( $itout blemis or blus( !ale li&e certain anti3ue Roman marbles tat seem stee!ed in li#t( te sound of er "oice muffled and s$eet( se ad all te ease and #ood manners of a man( te restrained #estures( te "irile !oise of a man% Her married name( $en I &ne$ er( $as still disturbin#% Her friends( as $ell as er enemies( ne"er referred to er e-ce!t by er title and a
carmin# Cristian name( title and name ali&e clasin# $it er stoc&y masculine !ysi3ue and reser"ed( almost sy manner% :rom te i#est strata of society( Fa Ce"alire( as $e sall call er( $as a"in# er flin#( so$in# er $ild oats li&e a !rince% And li&e a !rince( se ad er counter!arts% Na!oleon III #a"e us ;eor#es ille( $o sur"i"ed im for a lon# time% Fa Ce"alire could not !re"ent tis man*$oman( deatly !ale( !o$dered( self*asserti"e( from e-ibitin# erself and si#nin# te same initials as er model% ,ere could I find( no$adays( messmates li&e tose $o( #atered around Fa Ce"alire( em!tied er $ine cellar and er !urse2 Baronesses of te Em!ire( canonesses( lady cousins of C+ars( ille#itimate dau#ters of #rand*du&es( e-3uisites of te Parisian bour#eoisie( and also some a#ed orse$omen of te Austrian aristocracy( and and eye of steel% % % 9ome of tese ladies fondly &e!t in teir !rotecti"e and 6ealous sado$ $omen youn#er tan tey( cle"er youn# actresses( te ne-t to te last autentic demimondaine of te e!oc( a music*all star% % % 4ou eard tem in $is!ered con"ersation( but to te #reat disa!!ointment of te curious ear( te dialo#ue $as banal% )Ho$ did your lesson #o2 Do you a"e it no$( your Co!in $alt+2) )Ta&e your furs off ere( you $ill #et ot and $on0t be in "oice tis e"enin#% 4es( you &no$ better tan I do( of course% But I studied $it Nilsson( !lease remember tat( my dear% % %) )Tut( tut( my s$eet( one doesn0t cut a baba $it a &nife% % % Ta&e a small for&% % %) )4ou a"e no idea of time( and if I didn0t tin& for you( my !et% % % ,at do you mean by !uttin# your usband into a bad umor by #oin# ome late e"ery time2) Amon# tese $omen( free yet timorous( addicted to late ours( dar&ened rooms( #amblin#( and indolence( I almost ne"er detected a trace of cynicism% 9!arin# of $ords( all tey needed $as an allusion% I eard one of tem( one only'a ;erman !rincess $it te fres cubby face of a butcer boy'introduce er petite amie one day as )my s!ouse() $ereu!on my blunt #entlemen in s&irts $rin&led teir noses in distaste and !retended not to ear% )It0s not tat I conceal anytin#() briefly commented te icomtesse de L% )It0s sim!ly tat I don0t li&e so$in# off%) It $as oter$ise $it teir !rote#ees( $o $ere( more often tan not( rater rude youn# creatures( insinuatin# and #ras!in#% Not sur!risin#( tis( for tese ladies in male attire ad( by birt and from infancy( a taste for belo$*stairs accom!lices and comrades*in*li"ery'and( as a conse3uence( an incurable timidity( $ic tey dissimulated as best tey could% Pride in #i"in# !leasure relie"ed tem of te need for any oter di#nity7 tey
tolerated bein# addressed familiarly by tese youn# creatures and found a#ain( beneat te insult( te tremulous and secret !leasure of teir cildood $en dinin# at te ser"ants0 table% In te ser"ants0 3uarters( from teir first toddlin# ste!s( tey ad found teir allies and teir tormentors( $om tey and teir broters e3ually feared and lo"ed% It is 3uite necessary for a cild to lo"e% Te $omen of $om I am s!ea&in# $ere considerably older tan I( tey ad #ro$n u! in an e!oc $en te aristocracy( e"en more tan te ric bour#eoisie( anded o"er teir !ro#eny to te domestic staff% It is a 3uestion $o $as $ort more to te cildren( te !aid tormentor or te de!ra"ed ally% My narrators did not 6ud#e tem% Tey did not boter to embroider teir tales but calmly described te or#ies in te !antry( $en stron# li3uor $as !oured out for te da+ed cildren( or told o$ tose underlin#s $ould one day stuff te babies $it food and ne-t day for#et to feed tem at all% % % Tey did not s!ea& in te maudlin tone of cea! 6ournalism7 none of tese $omen claimed te #rade of infant martyr( not e"en te dau#ter of te Du&e de L( $o said tat from si- to fifteen se ad ne"er $orn a !air of ne$ soes( tat er soes ad all been and*me*do$ns from er elder broter or sister( and $it oles in te soles% Blandly( and at times rater moc&in#ly( se described incidents of er cildood% )In te corridor outside our nursery() se related( )$as a small anti3ue lady0s des& in rose$ood( incrusted $it a lar#e medallion in 9"res !orcelain( $it te mono#ram of a 3ueen and er cro$n #litterin# in diamonds% My moter did not li&e tat small !iece of furniture and ad sentenced it to e-ile in te corridor( $ere it stood bet$een t$o doors% ,ell( to !lease my moter( $en $e dressed for dinner $e al$ays set our muddy soes on te to! of tat *onheur-du-our, ri#t on te 9e"res medallion and its diamonds% % %) Married to a man se ated( my narrator ad not dared to confess er des!air $en se fancied se $as !re#nant( e-ce!t to an old footman( an ancient corru!ter of !rincelin#s( a "alet se feared% )He brou#t me a concoction to drin&() se said( touced at te recollection% )He( and e alone in te $orld( !itied me% % % ,at e #a"e me to drin& $as !retty orrible% % % I remember tat I $e!t% % %) ),it #rief2) )No% I cried because( $ile I s$allo$ed tat orror( te old fello$ tried to earten me by callin# me ni/a and po*iecita, 6ust as e ad $en I $as a
cild%) Tese $omen $o ad been dis!ossessed of teir ri#tful cildoods and $o( as #irls( ad been more tan or!ans( $ere no$ in teir maturity te fond instructors of a youn#er #eneration% Tey ne"er seemed ridiculous to me% 4et some of tem $ore a monocle( a $ite carnation in te buttonole( too& te name of ;od in "ain( and discussed orses com!etently% Tese mannis $omen I am callin# to mind $ere( indeed( almost as fond of te orse( tat $arm( eni#matic( stubborn( and sensiti"e creature( as tey $ere of teir youn# !rote#ees% ,it teir stron# slender ands tey $ere able to brea& in and sub6u#ate a orse( and $en a#e and ard times de!ri"ed tem of te $i! and te untin# cro!( tey lost teir final sce!ter% A #ara#e( no matter o$ ele#ant( can ne"er e3ual te smartness of a stable% Te motorcar cannot be mounted7 a mecanical carria#e besto$s no !sycolo#ical #lamour on its dri"er% But te dust of te bridle !ats in te Bois still aloes( in countless memories( tose e3uestriennes $o did not need to ride astride to assert teir ambi#uity% 9eated on te andsome bac& of a lean torou#bred( mounted on te t$in !edestal of a cestnut cru!!er( $ere simmered t$o elli!ses of unctuous li#t( tey $ere freed of te a$&$ard( toed*out stance of te ballet dancer tat marred teir $al&% Te tin# $omen in men0s clotes imitate $orst is a man0s stride% )Tey raise teir &nees too i#( tey don0t tuc& in teir bottoms as tey sould() $as te se"ere !ronouncement of Fa Ce"alire% Te e-citin# scent of orses( tat so masculine odor( ne"er 3uite left tese $omen( but lin#ered on after te ride% I sa$ and ailed te decline of tese $omen% Tey tried to describe and e-!lain teir "anised carm% Tey tried to render intelli#ible for us teir success $it $omen and teir defiant taste for $omen% Te astonisin# tin# is tat tey mana#ed to do so% I am not referrin# ere to Fa Ce"alire( $o by caracter as $ell as !ysi3ue $as abo"e tem% Restless and uncertain in er !ursuit of lo"e( se searced $it er an-ious eyes( so dar& tey $ere almost blac& beneat a lo$( $ite foreead( for $at se ne"er found1 a settled and sentimental attacment% :or more tan forty years( tis $oman $it te bearin# of a andsome boy endured te !ride and !unisment of ne"er bein# able to establis a real and lastin# affair $it a $oman% It $as not for lac& of tryin#( because se as&ed notin# better or $orse% But te salacious e-!ectations of $omen soc&ed er "ery natural !latonic tendencies( $ic resembled more te su!!ressed e-citement( te diffuse emotion of an adolescent( tan a $oman0s e-!licit need% T$enty years a#o se tried( $it bitterness( to e-!lain erself to me% )I do not &no$ anytin# about com!leteness in lo"e()
se said( )e-ce!t te idea I a"e of it% But tey( te $omen( a"e ne"er allo$ed me to sto! at tat !oint% % %) ),itout e-ce!tion2) ),itout e-ce!tion%) ),y2) )I0m sure I don0t &no$%) Fa Ce"alire sru##ed% Te e-!ression tat a!!eared on er face recalled for a minute Damien0s e-!ression $en e ad assured me tat )$omen #o too far% % %) Fi&e Damien( se seemed to be recallin# sometin# rater sad( rater re!ellent( and se $as about to say more( but li&e im se contained erself% )I0m sure I don0t &no$() se re!eated% )But $at in ea"en0s name do tey o!e for( by #oin# furter2 Do tey #i"e so muc credit to te !ysical act( te idea of te !aro-ysm of !leasure2) )No doubt() se said( uncertainly% )Tey must at least a"e an o!inion on tat s!ecial !leasure2 Do tey flin# temsel"es u!on it as u!on a !anacea( do tey see in it a &ind of consecration2 Do tey demand it( or acce!t it( more sim!ly( as a !roof of mutual trust2) Fa Ce"alire a"erted er eyes( flic&ed off te lon# as on er ci#ar( $a"ed er and as a discreet man mi#t do% )Tis is beyond me() se said% )It does not e"en concern me%) )And yet% % %) 9e re!eated er #esture and smiled to dissuade me from !ersistin#% )I0m of te o!inion() se said( )tat in te ancient Nati"ities te !ortrait of te 0donor0 occu!ies far too muc s!ace in te !icture% % %) Fa Ce"alire al$ays ad( still as $it( a 3uic& sense of re!artee% Te years a"e made little can#e in er and a"e let er &ee! er smile( $ic is so difficult to de!ict( so difficult to for#et% Tat smile of te )donor) $o des!ises is #ifts did not( o$e"er( discoura#e me from 3uestionin# er% But se $as sy and re6ected tis sub6ect of con"ersation( to $ic( o$e"er( I $ill add a remar& se let fall one day $en an u#ly youn# $oman $as bein#
described in detail in er earin#% )Tat #irl( if se didn0t a"e er t$o eyes% % %) ),at more does a $oman need besides er t$o eyes 2) as&ed Fa Ce"alire% In effect( I &ne$ se $as mad about blue*#reen eyes( and $en I told er se sared $it Jean Forrain te obsession of )#reen) eyes( se $as annoyed% )() se said( )but it0s not te same tin# at all5 Jean Forrain ta&es off from #reen eyes to #o% % % you &no$ $ere% He0s a man for $om 0te dee! callet to dee!0% % %) Te remar& is $ort more tan er e!oc and te literature of te turn of te century( s$ollen $it mas&s and "oodoo( blac& Masses( blissful deca!itated $omen $ose eads float amon# narcissi and blue toads% :or a timid soul( e-alted in silence and !er!etually adolescent( $at more seducti"e de!ts could one !lun#e into tan te eyes of te lo"ed one( and descend in tou#t and blissfully lose one0s life bet$een te sea$eed and te star2 Te seduction emanatin# from a !erson of uncertain or dissimulated se- is !o$erful% Tose $o a"e ne"er e-!erienced it li&en it to te banal attraction of te lo"e tat e"icts te male element% Tis is a #ross misconce!tion% An-ious and "eiled( ne"er e-!osed to te li#t of day( te andro#ynous creature $anders( $onders( and im!lores in a $is!er% % % Its alf e3ual( man( is soon scared and flees% Tere remains its alf e3ual( a $oman% Tere es!ecially remains for te andro#ynous creature te ri#t( e"en te obli#ation( ne"er to be a!!y% If 6o"ial( te andro#ynous creature is a monster% But it trails irre"ocably amon# us its sera!ic sufferin#( its #limmerin# tears% It #oes from a tender inclination to maternal ado!tion% % % As I $rite tis( I am tin&in# of Fa Ce"alire% It $as se $o most often bruised erself in a collision $it a $oman'a $oman( tat $is!erin# #uide( !resum!tuous( stran#ely e-!licit( $o too& er by te and and said( )Come( I $ill el! you find yourself% % %) )I am neiter tat nor anytin# else( alas() said Fa Ce"alire( dro!!in# te "icious little and% ),at I lac& cannot be found by searcin# for it%) 9e is te !erson $o as no counter!art any$ere% At one time se belie"ed tat se ad er counter!art in te features of a youn# $oman( and a#ain in te features of a andsome youn# man'yes( of a youn# man( $y
not2'so andsome tat lo"e seemed to des!air of im( and $o( moreo"er( clun# to no one% He #a"e to Fa Ce"alire a name tat made er blus $it 6oy and #ratitude1 e called er )my fater%) But se soon sa$ tat a#ain se ad been mista&en( tat one can ado!t only te cild one as be#otten% % % )All te same() te solitary $oman si#s at times( )I must not com!lain( I sall a"e been a mira#e% % %) Around er( beneat er( a 3uarrelsome and timid life #ra"itated% 9e ser"ed as te ideal( as te tar#et( and i#nored te fact% 9e $as !raised( se $as slandered( er name $as re!eated in te midst of a subdued and almost subterranean tumult( $as eard es!ecially in te friendly little di"es( te tiny( nei#borood cinemas fre3uented by #rou!s of er $omen friends' basement rooms arran#ed as restaurants( dim( and blue $it tobacco smo&e% Tere $as also a cellar in Montmartre tat $elcomed tese uneasy $omen( aunted by teir o$n solitude( $o felt safe $itin te lo$*ceilin#ed room beneat te eye of a fran& !ro!rietress $o sared teir !redilections( $ile an unctuous and autentic ceese fondue s!uttered and te loud contralto of an artiste( one of teir familiars( san# to tem te romantic ballads of Au#usta Holms% % % Te same need for a refu#e( $armt( and dar&ness( te same fear of intruders and si#tseers assembled ere tese $omen $ose faces( if not teir names( soon became familiar to me% Fiterature and te ma&ers of literature $ere absent from tese #aterin#s and I deli#ted in tat absence( alon# $it te em!ty #aiety of te catter and te di"ertin# and callen#in# e-can#e of #lances( te cry!tic reference to certain treasons( com!reended at once( and te sudden outbursts of ferocity% I re"eled in te admirable 3uic&ness of teir alf*s!o&en lan#ua#e( te e-can#e of treats( of !romises( as if( once te slo$*tin&in# male ad been banised( e"ery messa#e from $oman to $oman became clear and o"er$elmin#( restricted to a small but infallible number of si#ns% % % All amours tend to create a dead*end atmos!ere% )Tere5 It0s finised( $e0"e arri"ed( and beyond us t$o tere is notin# no$( not e"en an o!enin# for esca!e() murmurs one $oman to er !rote#ee( usin# te lan#ua#e of a lo"er% And as a !roof( se indicates te lo$ ceilin#( te dim li#t( te $omen $o are teir counter!arts( ma&in# er listen to te masculine rumble of te outside $orld and ear o$ it is reduced to te boomin# of a distant dan#er%
K I still a"e in my !ossession some tirty letters Pauline Tarn $rote to me% I ad a #reat many more( but some of tem $ere filced from me( and te sortest( te least attracti"e( I #a"e a$ay to )fans) of Rene i"ien% A fe$ of tem( too( a"e been mislaid% If I $ere to !ublis te corres!ondence of tis !oet $o ne"er ceased claimin# &insi! $it Fesbos( it $ould astound only because of its cildisness% I stress tis "ery !articular cildis 3uality( $ic stri&es a false note'dare I say a note of ob"ious insincerity2 Te carmin# face of Rene i"ien reflected only a !art of tat cildli&e 3uality( in te rounded cee&( soft and do$ny( in te innocent sort u!!er li!( so ty!ically En#lis( curled u! and re"ealin# four little front teet% A bri#t smile constantly lit u! er eyes( a cestnut*bro$n $ic became #reenis in sunli#t% 9e $ore er lon#( beautiful as*blond air( $ic $as fine and strai#t( massed at te to! of er ead( from $ic stray loc&s came do$n no$ and ten li&e $is!s of fine stra$% Tere is not a sin#le feature of er youtful face tat I do not "i"idly recall% E"erytin# in it bes!o&e cildisness( ro#uisness( and te !ro!ensity to lau#ter% Im!ossible to find any$ere in tat face( from te fair air to te s$eet dim!le of te $ea& little cin( any line tat $as not a line of lau#ter( any si#n of te idden tra#ic melancoly tat trobs in te !oetry of Rene i"ien% I ne"er sa$ Rene sad% 9e $ould e-claim( in er lis!in# En#lis accent( )( my dear little Colette( o$ dis#ustin# tis life is5) Ten se $ould burst into lau#ter% In all too many of er notes( I find tat same e-clamation re!eated( often s!elled out fran&ly in te coarsest $ords1 )Isn0t tis life seer muc&2 ,ell( I o!e it $ill soon be o"er5) Tis im!atience of ers amused er friends( but er o!e $as not dased( for se died in er tirtiet year% ur friendsi! $as in no $ay literary( it #oes $itout sayin#'or rater( I sould say( tan&s to my res!ect for literature% I am s!arin# of $ords on tat sub6ect( e-ce!t for occasional e-clamations of admiration( and in Rene i"ien I found te same diffidence and $ell*bred restraint% 9e( too( refused to )tal& so!%) ,ene"er se #a"e me any of er boo&s( se al$ays id tem under a bou3uet of "iolets or a bas&et of fruit or a len#t of riental sil&% 9e $as secreti"e $it me on te t$o literary as!ects of er
brief e-istence1 te cause of er sadness( and er metod of $or&% ,ere did se $or&2 And at $at ours2 Te "ast( dar&( sum!tuous( and e"er can#in# flat in te a"enue du Bois #a"e no int of $or&% Tat #round*floor flat in te a"enue du Bois as ne"er been $ell described( by te $ay% E-ce!t for some #i#antic Buddas( all te furnisin#s mo"ed mysteriously1 after !ro"o&in# sur!rise and admiration for a time( tey ad a $ay of disa!!earin#% % % Amon# te unstable mar"els( Rene $andered( not so muc clad as "eiled in blac& or !ur!le( almost in"isible in te scented dar&ness of te immense rooms barricaded $it leaded $indo$s( te air ea"y $it curtains and incense% Tree or four times I cau#t er curled u! in a corner of a di"an( scribblin# $it a !encil on a $ritin# !ad !ro!!ed on er &nees% n tese occasions se al$ays s!ran# u! #uiltily( e-cusin# erself( murmurin#( )It0s notin#( I0"e finised no$% % %) Her lite body de"oid of density lan#uidly droo!ed( as if beneat te $ei#t of er !o!!y*flo$er ead $it its !ale #olden air( surmounted by immense and unsteady ats% 9e eld er lon# and slender ands in front of er( #ro!in#ly% Te dresses se $ore $ere al$ays lon#( co"erin# er feet( and se $as afflicted $it an an#elic clumsiness( $as al$ays losin# as se $ent er #lo"es( and&ercief( sunsade( scarf% % % 9e $as constantly #i"in# tin#s a$ay1 te bracelets on er arms o!ened u!( te nec&lace sli!!ed from er martyr0s troat% 9e $as as if deciduous% It $as as if er lan#uorous body re6ected anytin# tat $ould #i"e it a tird dimension% Te first time I dined at er !lace( tree bro$n ta!ers dri!!ed $a-en tears in tall candlestic&s and did not dis!el te #loom% A lo$ table( from te rient( offered a !ell*mell assortment of les hois d"oeuvre 'stri!s of ra$ fis rolled u!on #lass $ands( foie %ras, srim!s( salad seasoned $it su#ar and !e!!er'and tere $as a $ell*cosen Pi!er*Heidsiec& cam!a#ne *rut, and "ery stron# coc&tails'Rene i"ien $as aead of er time% 9uffocated $it te obscurity( mistrustful of te unfamiliar fire of Russian( ;ree&( and Cinese alcools( I scarcely touced te food% I remember tat Rene0s #ay lau#ter( er li"eliness( te faint alo of li#t tremblin# in er #olden air all combined to sadden me( as does te a!!iness of blind cildren $o lau# and !lay $itout te el! of li#t% I did not belie"e tat tis meetin# in tis lu-urious flat submer#ed in dar&ness could result in any real friendsi! $it tis tall youn# $oman $o tossed off er drin& $it te obli"iousness one sees in bridesmaids at a country $eddin#% Amon# te be"era#es tat se raised to er li!s $as a cloudy eli-ir in
$ic floated a cerry ar!ooned on a toot!ic&% I laid a and on er arm and cautioned er% )Don0t drin& it%) 9e o!ened er eyes so $ide tat te lases of er u!!er eyelids touced er eyebro$s% ),y not2) )I0"e tasted it() I said( embarrassed% )It0s% % % it0s deadly% Be careful( it tastes li&e some &ind of "itriol%) I dared not tell er tat I sus!ected a !ractical 6o&e% 9e lau#ed( flasin# er $ite teet% )But tese are my o$n coc&tails( ma pethith Coletthe. Tey are e-cellent%) 9e em!tied te #lass at one #ul!( neiter #as!in# nor blin&in#( and er rounded cee& &e!t its floral !allor% I did not notice tat e"enin# er almost total abstention from food( but later on I disco"ered tat se subsisted mainly on a fe$ s!oonfuls of rice( some fruit or oter( and alcool'es!ecially alcool% Durin# tis first e"enin#( notin# could dis!el te uneasiness en#endered by te stran#eness of te !lace( bound to astonis a #uest( te semi*dar&ness( te e-otic foods on !lates of 6ade( "ermeil( or Cinese !orcelain( foods tat ad come from countries too far a$ay% Ho$e"er( I $as to see Rene i"ien many times after$ard% ,e disco"ered tat er ouse and mine communicated( tan&s to te t$o #arden courts se!arated only by a #rille( and tat te concier#e $o ad te &eys $as not incorru!tible7 I could terefore #o from te rue de ille6ust to te a"enue du Bois to "isit er $itout settin# foot in te street% ccasionally I used tis facility% n my $ay( I $ould ra! on te $indo$s of te #arden flat $ere Robert d0Humires li"ed( and e $ould o!en is $indo$ and old out an immaculate treasure( an armful of sno$( tat is to say( is blue*eyed $ite cat( Fan&a( sayin#( )To you I entrust my most !recious !ossession%) T$enty meters farter on( and I $ould confront( at Rene0s( te air $ic( li&e sta#nant $ater( slo$ed do$n my ste!s( te odor of incense( of flo$ers( of o"erri!e a!!les% It is an understatement to say tat I $as stifled in tat #loom% I became almost $ic&edly intolerant tere( yet ne"er $ore out
te !atience of te #ossamer an#el $o dedicated offerin#s of lady a!!les to te Buddas% ne day( $en te s!rin# $ind $as stri!!in# te lea"es from te Judas trees in te a"enue( I $as nauseated by te funereal !erfumes and tried to o!en te $indo$1 it $as nailed sut% ,at a contribution suc a detail is( $at a flouris it adds to a teme already ric5 ,at a 3uantity of lurid #leams and #lints of #old in te semi*dar&ness( of $is!erin# "oices beind te doors( of Cinese mas&s( of ancient instruments an#in# on te $alls( mute( only "a#uely $im!erin# at te ban#in# of a door beneat my ea"y and% At Rene i"ien0s I could a"e $ised to be youn#er( so I could be a little fearful% But im!atience #ot te better of me and one e"enin# I brou#t an offendin#( an inadmissible bi# oil lam!( and !lum!ed it do$n( lit( in front of my !late% Rene $e!t bi# tears o"er tis( li&e a cild'it is only ri#t to add tat se consoled erself in li&e manner% Try as se $ould to !lease me by in"itin# alon# $it me t$o or tree of my best friends( to ma&e me a!!y( our intimacy did not seem to ma&e any real !ro#ress% At te table in te dar&ness( or loun#in# comfortably and !ro"ided $it e-otic food and drin&( Tur&is ci#arettes or Cinese blond tobacco in miniature sil"er !i!es( $e remained a bit stiff and uneasy( as if our youn# ostess and $e oursel"es a!!reended te une-!ected return of an absent and un&no$n )master%) Tis )master) $as ne"er referred to by te name of $oman% ,e seemed to be $aitin# for some catastro!e to !ro6ect er into our midst( but se merely &e!t sendin# in"isible messen#ers laden $it 6ades( enamels( lac3uers( fabrics% % % A collection of ancient Persian #old coins came( #littered( disa!!eared( lea"in# in its !lace #lass cabinets of e-otic butterflies and oter insects( $ic in teir turn #a"e $ay to a colossal Budda( a miniature #arden of buses a"in# lea"es of crystal and fruit of !recious stones% :rom one mar"el to anoter Rene mo"ed( uncertainly( already detaced( and so$in# te indifferent self*effacement of a #uard in a museum% ,en I recall te can#es $ic #radually rendered Rene more understandable( I belie"e I can lin& tese $it certain #estures at first( ten $it some $ords tat tre$ a different li#t on er% 9ome !eo!le become transformed by rices( oters ac3uire a real life only by im!o"erisment( teir "ery destitution #i"in# tem life% ,en $as I able to for#et tat Rene i"ien $as a !oet( I mean( $en did I be#in to feel a real interest in er2 No doubt it $as one e"enin# $en dinin# at er !lace( an e"enin# of s!icy foods and of dis3uietin# drin&s'I ris&ed drin&in# only t$o #lasses of a !erfect
and "ery dry cam!a#ne'a #ay e"enin# and yet ine-!licably strained( $en Rene0s #aiety e-!ressed itself in lau#ter( in an ea#erness to a!!laud e-a##eratedly any least droll $ord% E-ce!tionally tat e"enin# se $ore a $ite dress tat bared er delicate and youtful troat and te na!e of er nec&( $ere $is!s of er soft strai#t air $ere al$ays comin# undone% Bet$een t$o remar&s and $itout $arnin#( se suddenly leaned a#ainst te bac& of er cair( er ead bo$ed( er cin on er tin cest( er eyes closed% % % I can still see er t$o slender ands restin# o!en and lifeless on te tableclot% Tis faintin# s!ell( or $ate"er it $as( lasted less tan ten seconds( and Rene came to $itout embarrassment% ):or#i"e me( my dears( I must a"e #one to slee!() se murmured( and resumed te ar#ument se ad left for te fleetin# deat from $ic se ad returned fired $it a stran#e fren+y% )( tat B%5) se e-claimed( )I don0t $ant to ear any more about im or is "erses toni#t% He as no talent% He is'$ait( I &no$ $at e is( e0s a cunt( a cunt $it a !en% 4es( a cunt $it a !en5) Te $ord fell into our silence( coarse( blunt% Anyone of us $ould a"e been ca!able of !ronouncin# tat $ord in an undertone and amon# oursel"es( but as Rene re!eated te indecent remar&( tere rei#ned on er cildli&e features a blan& e-!ression tat set te $ords outside time( de!ri"ed of any si#nificance( and re"ealed in te s!ea&er a !rofound disorder% Te $ily lunatic is lost if trou# te narro$est crac& e allo$s a sane eye to !eer into is loc&ed uni"erse and tus !rofane it% After$ard( it is te sane eye tat can#es( is affected( becomes fascinated $it te mystery it as seen and can ne"er cease to 3uestion% Te more sensiti"e te lunatic( te less able is e to resist tis !ryin# interest of te normal uman bein#% I felt tat Rene0s can#e of &ey'to myself( I com!ared Rene to a s$eet melody( a little flat des!ite its laborious armonies'$as a!!roacin#% At Pascaud0s( $ere $e ad #one to ire costumes for te fancy*dress ball Robert d0Humires $as #i"in# at te TQtre des Arts( $ic e directed( Rene i"ien( as se dressed a#ain after te fittin# of er costume 'se intended to #o as Jane ;rey on te e-ecutioner0s bloc&( e-actly( alas( as Paul Delaroce !ainted er'!ut on by mista&e my blac& coat instead of er o$n%
)It almost fits you() I said( lau#in#% )But for you to loo& your best in it( sometin# is needed ere( and ere% % % ter$ise% % %) )It almost fits me2) Rene re!eated% I can still see o$ er face clouded( o$ er mout fell o!en in stunned sur!rise% )It0s a #reat misfortune() se stammered( )a #reat misfortune tat you0"e 6ust announced to me% % %) 9e turned a #loomy and calculatin# loo& u!on me'at tat !eriod I $as a !leasant little cob !ony of a !erson'ten ra!idly collected erself and $e se!arated% Tat e"enin# I $as anded a letter se ad addressed to me and my friends $o $ere to fi#ure in te ta*leau vivant of Jane ;rey% It read1 My dears( te $orst !ossible tin# as a!!ened to me1 I0"e carelessly !ut on $ei#t'ten !ounds% But tere are still ten days before our ball( in $ic I can lose tem'tat0s enou#( it0s #ot to be enou#( for I must not( at any !rice( $ei# more tan fifty*t$o &ilos% Don0t try to find me( I0m #oin# to a !lace none of you &no$s% Count on me( I0ll be bac& in ten days( and all ready for te ball% 4ours( Rene% 9e &e!t er $ord% ,e eard later on tat se ad s!ent te ten days at te Pa"ilion Henri I in 9aint*;ermain% In te mornin#s se dran& a #lass of tea( ten $al&ed in te forest until er stren#t #a"e out% Ten se dran& more tea( tis time $it alcool added( and $ent to bed in an almost faintin# condition% Ne-t day it be#an all o"er a#ain% 9e ad te ine-austible stren#t of unbalanced !eo!le% ),e $al&ed !era!s t$enty &ilometers e"ery day() er com!anion confessed to us later on% )I don0t &no$ o$ mademoiselle &e!t #oin#% As for myself( I ate normally( yet $as e-austed%) Te ten days o"er $it( Rene met us at ele"en o0cloc& in te e"enin# at te TQtre des Arts% 9e loo&ed "ery !retty in er costume( !o$dered and rou#ed( ollo$*eyed( er air loose on one soulder( and se $as #ay in a distracted &ind of $ay% 9e still ad te stren#t to !lay te !art of Jane ;rey( er ands tied( er bo$ed ead re"ealin# a $ite na!e( er fair air floodin# out on te bloc&% But after$ard se fainted bac&sta#e( te "ictim of te saddest and most "iolent case of alcool !oisonin#( a##ra"ated by star"ation and some dru# or oter%
Tis $as er "ery !atetic secret( te confession of a 3uite ordinary neurosis% r $as it2 4es( if one can be satisfied $it a sin#le fact( as I $as for a time'a rater sort time% Rene $as dyin# $en I $as told o$ se ad mana#ed in a $eirdly sim!le $ay to drin& to e-cess $itout anyone in Paris or anyone in Nice in te little ouse in te Pare Cessole e"er bein# able to catc er at it% % % Ad6oinin# te batroom( in a small room tat substituted as a linen closet( er docile cambermaid sat se$in#% uic&( maladroit( stumblin# a#ainst te furniture( Rene $as constantly callin# out for el! to% % % let us call er Justine( for tat $as absolutely not er name% )Justine( my dear( $ill you se$ on tis oo& tat0s come off2) )Justine( dear( a"e you ironed my embroidered froc&2) )uic&( my sli!!er ribbon is undone% % %) )5 Tese ne$ #lo"es still a"e a !rice ta# on( do ta&e it off( Justine( $ill you2) )Please( Justine( tell te coo& tat toni#t% % %) Beind te se$in#*room door( $ic remained o!en( you eard only a murmured re!ly1 )4es( mademoiselle% ery $ell( mademoiselle% % %) And te maid did not lea"e te cair $ere se sat at $or&% E"ery time Rene a!!eared( Justine ad only to lean o"er to reac( under er cair( one of te filled $ine#lasses tat er s&irt concealed% 9e eld it out in silence to Rene( $o em!tied it at a #ul! and $ent from te linen closet to te batroom( $ere se found $aitin# er( !unctually rene$ed( a #lass of mil&y*loo&in# $ater clouded $it !erfumes% 9e $ould #ar#le tis and urriedly s!it it out% Peo!le $o ad seen and smelled tat #lass of !erfumed li3uid belie"ed and a"e affirmed tat Rene i"ien dran& toilet $ater% ,at se so foolisly imbibed $as no better% I sometimes met Rene in te mornin#s( $en I led my memorable cat Prrou out on a leas for a $al& alon# te #rassy !ats in te a"enue du Bois( and I recall one suc encounter% As usual $en se "entured out into te streets( Rene $as a bit o"erdressed% In #ettin# into te carria#e tat mornin#( se ste!!ed on te em of er lon# s&irt and cau#t te stra! of er ba# on te andle of te door% ),ere are you #oin# tis early in te day2) I as&ed% )To buy my Budda% I0"e decided to buy one e"ery day% Don0t you tin& tat0s a #ood idea2) )E-cellent% En6oy yourself5) 9e turned to $a"e #oodbye and &noc&ed er at as&e$% To old it on(
se raised te and se ad !assed trou# te stra! of te ba# and it( ill sut( fell o!en( scatterin# a 3uantity of crum!led ban& notes% )( mon 0ieu, se e-claimed( lau#in# softly% At last te fiacre( te bi# at( te dress $it te ri!!ed em $ent off in te distance( $ile( close to my cat y#ienically scratcin# te #rass( I stood reflectin#1 )Te alcool% % % te tinness% % % te !oetry( te daily Budda% % % And tat0s not all% ,at is te dar& ori#in of all tis nonsense2) May I be e-cused for a"in# included as an element of )all tis nonsense) te $ord )!oetry%) Rene i"ien as left a #reat many !oems of une3ual stren#t( force( merit( une3ual as te uman breat( as te !ulsations of uman sufferin#% Te cult of $ic tey sin# arouses curiosity and ten infatuation7 today tey a"e disarmed te indi#nation of e"en te lo$est &ind of moralists'and tis is a fate I $ould not a"e dared to !romise tem if tey ad lauded only te lo"e of Clo for Da!nis( since te lo$est &ind of moralist follo$s te fasions and ma&es a dis!lay of broadmindedness% In addition( Rene0s $or& inabits a re#ion of ele"ated melancoly( in $ic te amies, te female cou!le( daydream and $ee! as often as tey embrace% Admirably ac3uainted $it our lan#ua#e( bro&en to te strict rules of :renc meter( Rene i"ien betrays er forei#nness'tat is to say( er assimilation of :renc master$or&s relati"ely late in life'by e-udin# er Baudelairism in te years 8<>>*<( $ic $as rater late for us% ,en I found out se $as so fallible( so faddy( so ensla"ed to a ruinous abit tat se o!ed to &ee! secret( my instincti"e attraction to Rene can#ed into friendsi!% :riendsi! is not al$ays circums!ect( and one day I $ent so far as to !ut a stran#e 3uestion% )Tell me( Rene% Are you a!!y2) Rene blused( smiled( ten abru!tly stiffened% ),y( of course( my dear Colette% ,y $ould you $ant me to be una!!y2) )I didn0t say I $anted it() I retorted% And I $ent off( dissatisfied $it us bot% But ne-t day er embarrassed lau# $as a!olo#etic and se trased te air around me $it er lon# arms( maladroit and affectionate( as if se $ere loo&in# for a $ay into my confidence% I noticed er listlessness( te dar& rin#s under er eyes( and I as&ed er if se $as ill% ),y( not at all() se !rotested em!atically%
9e ten ya$ned beind er and and e-!lained te reasons for er lassitude in terms so clear tat I could not belie"e my ears% And se did not sto! tere% % % ,at ne$ $armt ad melted er reser"e and encoura#ed suc e-!ansi"eness2 Unindered by any ambi#uity( se s!o&e o!enly( and $at se s!o&e of $as not lo"e but se-ual satisfaction( and tis( of course( referred to te only se-ual satisfaction se &ne$( te !leasure se too& $it a $oman% Ten it $as a 3uestion of te satisfactions of anoter e!oc( anoter $oman( and re#rets and com!arisons% Her $ay of tal&in# about !ysical lo"e $as rater li&e tat of little #irls brou#t u! for a life of debaucery1 bot innocent and crude% Te most curious tin# about er calm and farfetced confessions( durin# te recital of $ic Rene ne"er left off te tone of tran3uil #ossi!( stran#ely in accord $it te least ambi#uous terms( $as tat tey re"ealed an immodest consideration for )te senses) and te tecni3ue of obtainin# !ysical satisfaction% % % And $en( beyond te !oet $o !raised te !allor of er Fesbian lo"es( teir sobbin# in te desolate da$ns( I cau#t a #lim!se of )Madame Ho$*many*times() countin# on er fin#ers( mentionin# by name tin#s and #estures( I !ut an end to te indiscretion of tose youn# alf*conscious li!s( and not "ery tactfully% I belie"e I told Rene tat certain fran& remar&s se ad made $ere as suitable to er as a sil& at to a mon&ey% % % As a se3uel to tis incident( I still a"e te brief note se sent me( "ery im!osin# in its form1 4ou #ra"ely offended me last ni#t( Colette( and I am not one $o for#i"es% Adieu% Rene Ho$e"er( te oter Rene( te #ood and carmin# Rene( sa$ to it tat I ad a second note t$o ours after te first one% It read1 :or#i"e me( dear little Colette( ;od only &no$s $at I $rote to you% Eat tese lo"ely !eaces as a toast to my ealt and come to see me% Come dine $it me as soon as you can( and brin# alon# our friends% I did not fail to do so( altou# I too& e-ce!tion to te odd( clandestine caracter of tose feasts laid out amon# tree candles( to $ic sometimes Rene in"ited a ar!ist( at oter times a soloist% But on te tresold of er a!artment( $ic I al$ays said smelled li&e )a ric man0s funeral() $e met Rene in a blac& e"enin# dress( ready to #o out%
)No( my dears() se murmured a#itatedly( )you0"e not made a mista&e( I $as e-!ectin# you toni#t% 9it do$n at te table( I0ll be bac& "ery soon( I s$ear it by A!rodite5 Tere are srim!s( foie %ras, some Cios $ine( and fruit from te Balearic Isles% % %) In er aste( se stumbled on te ste!s% 9e turned er #olden ead to$ard me( te luminous eart of a #reat beei"e of dar& "el"et( ten came bac& to $is!er in my ear1 )Hus( I0m re3uisitioned% he is terrible at !resent%) Constrained( mystified( $e remained and $e $aited% % % And Rene did not return% Anoter time se $as #aily a"in# dinner( I mean to say( se $as $atcin# us dine( and at te dessert se stood u!( #atered to#eter $it a sa&y and er lon# #lo"es( a fan( a little sil& !urse( ten e-cused erself% )My dears( I a"e to #o% % % 1oil#. . . 9e did not finis $at se ad to say but burst into tears and fled% A carria#e $aitin# for er outside bore er a$ay% In s!ite of my old friend Hamel .called Hamond( in te 1a%a*onde), $o ad a !aternal affection for Rene and $o no$ interceded for er( I $ent ome $it di#nity( s$earin# ne"er to return% But I did return( because te friendsi! one as #i"en to a uman bein# $o is already #oin# to !ieces( is already eaded to$ard er do$nfall( does not obey te dictates of !ride% ,en I $ent bac&( ur#ed by Rene in a laconic note( I found er sittin# on te rim of te tub in te cold( u#ly( and rudimentary batroom% 9eein# er !allor( te tremblin# of er lon# ands( er absurd tinness encased in a blac& dress( I tried to ceer er by addressin# er as te Muse of F"y*Durmer% 9e !aid no attention% )I0m #oin# a$ay() se said% )4es2 ,ere are you #oin#2) )I don0t &no$% But I0m in dan#er% he $ill &ill me% r else she $ill ta&e me to te oter side of te $orld( to countries $ere I sall be at er mercy% % % 9e $ill &ill me%) )Poison2 Re"ol"er2) )No%) In four $ords se e-!lained o$ se mi#t !eris% :our $ords of a
fran&ness to ma&e you blin&% Tis $ould not be $ort tellin#( e-ce!t for $at Rene said ten% ),it er I dare not !retend or lie( because at tat moment se lays er ear o"er my eart%) I !refer to belie"e tat tis detail and te )dan#er() $ic bot( ali&e( seem to a"e been borro$ed from RJ% Toulet0s 2onsieur du Paur, $ere concei"ed under te influence of alcool% Pera!s( e"en( te e-austin# Fesbian lo"er ne"er e-isted% Pera!s( in"isible( se o$ed er stren#t( er 3uasi*tan#ibility to te last effort( te last miracle of an ima#ination $ic( #ettin# out of and( brou#t fort #ouls instead of nym!s% ,ile I $as on tour'te Baret Music Hall Tour'I $as una$are tat Rene $as "ery close to deat% 9e &e!t losin# $ei#t( al$ays refusin# to eat% In er s!ells of #iddiness( in te aurora borealis of star"ation( se tou#t se sa$ te flames of te Catolic ell% 9omeone close to er !era!s fanned te flames( or described tem to er2 Mystery% Enfeebled( se became umble and $as con"erted% Her !a#anism $as so little rooted in er% :e"er and cou#in# soo& er ollo$ cest% I $as by cance s!ared te si#t of Rene dyin#( ten dead% 9e carried off $it er more tan one secret( and beneat er !ur!le "eil( Rene i"ien( te !oet( led a$ay'er troat encircled $it moonstones( beryls( a3uamarines( and oter anemic #ems'te immodest cild( te e-cited little #irl $o tau#t me( $it unembarrassed com!etence1 )Tere are fe$er $ays of ma&in# lo"e tan tey say( and more tan one belie"es% % %) Blond( er cee& dim!led( $it a tender( lau#in# mout and #reat( soft eyes( se $as( e"en so( dra$n do$n beneat te eart( to$ard e"erytin# tat is of no concern to te li"in#% Fi&e all tose $o ne"er use teir stren#t to te limit( I am ostile to tose $o let life burn tem out% oluntary consum!tion is( I al$ays feel( a &ind of alibi% I fear tere is not muc difference bet$een te abit of obtainin# se-ual satisfaction and( for instance( te ci#arette abit% 9mo&ers( male and female( in6ect and e-cuse idleness in teir li"es e"ery time tey li#t a ci#arette% Te abit of obtainin# se-ual satisfaction is less tyrannical tan te tobacco abit( but it #ains on one% "olu!tuous !leasure( lasci"ious ram( crac&in# your s&ull a#ainst all obstacles( time and a#ain5 Pera!s te only mis!laced curiosity is tat $ic !ersists in tryin# to find out ere( on tis side of deat( $at lies beyond te #ra"e% % % olu!tuaries( consumed by teir senses( al$ays be#in by flin#in# temsel"es $it a #reat dis!lay of fren+y into an abyss% But tey sur"i"e( tey come to te surface a#ain% And tey
de"elo! a routine of te abyss1 )It0s four o0cloc&% % % At fi"e I a"e my abyss% % %) It is !ossible tat tis youn# $oman !oet( $o re6ected te la$s of ordinary lo"e( led a sensible enou# life until er !ersonal abyss of alf !ast ei#t in te e"enin#% An abyss se ima#ined2 ;ouls are rare%
S );oul() )am!ire)'by tese names tey called a $oman no$ dead $o e-!erienced te $orst of er ill*fame tirty*fi"e or forty years a#o% 9e $as described to me by an actress ac3uaintance( Amalia L( a former com!anion of mine on teatrical tours% )U#ly( but cic() $as te $ay Amalia L described er( addin#( )9e loo&ed "ery smart in a tail coat%) ),ic only ma&es one more ill*cut masculine suit() I said% Her !ortraits so$ tat se $as dar&*com!le-ioned( an#ular( tin* li!!ed( dis!layin# te insolence of a t$enty*fi"e*year*old midinette dressed u! in men0s clotes on 9t% Caterine0s Day% 9e $as credited $it a"in# made a number of youn# $omen $retced( of a"in# dri"en one of tem to commit suicide beneat er $indo$( of a"in# bro&en u! se"eral marria#es( of a"in# incurred ri"alries tat at times ended in bloodsed% Her doorste! $as ea!ed $it floral offerin#s( and se ad a re!utation for bea"in# $it incom!arable disdain% ,ell( no$5 9o many !ostulants and so fe$ cosen2 9urely tat is not te balance seet of an o#ress% It loo&s more li&e te triflin# of someone $o en6oyed inflictin# mental cruelties% To $rea& a"oc by !ractically abstainin# from sin is not te bea"ior of a "ul#ar $oman% % % A !oto#ra! si#ned $it er assumed name( Fucienne de **********( so$s er in correct men0s e"enin# dress( correct but $it traces of bad taste( I mean to say( feminine taste% Te !oc&et and&ercief !oints t$o inces too i#7 te la!els of te coat are too $ide( and te style of te soes is dubious% ne feels tat a feminine ima#ination( im!risoned beneat te bared foreead of te s!urious man( re#rets a"in# been unable to let itself #o in 6abots( ribbons( sil&y fabrics% 9tran#e( tat a $oman li&e tis $o ri"aled and defrauded men sould a"e as er sin#le ambition to loo& and
act te !art of a dasin# youn# man about to$n% It $as ard for er to lea"e off er loo& of bra"ado% 9e dated( as did er a##ressi"e and$ritin#( from te e!oc of im!udent cocottes% Amalia L( tat #ood comic actress of road com!anies $o died at te be#innin# of te $ar( ad been a ri"al of Fa Fucienne in many a con3uest and many a ris&y ad"enture% Amalia( if one $ere to belie"e er( ad not esitated to lea"e a slee!in# and satiated sultan and #o on foot( "eiled( trou# te ni#t streets of Constantino!le to a otel room $ere a s$eet( blond( and "ery youn# $oman $as $aitin# u! for er% % % )And you must reali+e() te $orty Amalia confided( sufflin# te !ac& of tarot cards on a small #al"ani+ed table in a din#y cafe at Tarbes or alenciennes'I for#et $ic')you must reali+e tat Constantino!le ten( at ni#t( $as less safe e"en tan te boule"ard de la Ca!elle%) 9li#tly mustaced( reumatic( at te end of er stren#t( Amalia L still en6oyed life( $as still )tourin#) at o"er si-ty years of a#e( and recalled er !ast $it satisfaction% )I ad e"erytin#() se asserted( )beauty( a!!iness( misery( men( and $omen% % % 4ou can call it a life5) Her bi# andsome Israelite0s eyes rolled u! at te mere tou#t% )But() I said( )if bet$een your little amie and you tere ad not been te dar& streets( te ris&s( and te old man you ad 6ust abandoned( in sort( ad tere been no dan#er( $ould you a"e urried so ea#erly2) Te old comedienne loo&ed a$ay for a moment from te Han#ed Man( te Cu!s( te 9$ords( and te 9&eleton $o smiled at er% )Don0t boter me $it suc 3uestions() se said% )I0m an old $oman( $ic is already no 6o&e% ,y do you $ant to de!ri"e me of te illusion tat I $as once te e3ual of a youn# man2) )9o you ad te idea( $en you left te old Tur&( tat you sto!!ed bein# a $oman2) ):or ea"en0s sa&e( no5 Ho$ mi-ed u! you are5 ,e ne"er a"e to sto! bein# a $oman% Not on any account( my #irl% And e"en'#et tis into your ead'a cou!le of $omen can li"e to#eter a lon# time and be a!!y% But if one of te t$o $omen lets erself bea"e in te sli#test li&e $at I call a !seudo*man( ten% % %) )Ten te cou!le become una!!y2) )Not necessarily una!!y( but sad%)
)2 E-!lain( !lease%) Amalia laid out cabalistically er !recious tarot cards( $ic smelled of #reasy cardboard( old leater( and te tallo$ candles $ine*cellar ins!ectors carry rolled u! in a $orn*out old ba#% )4ou see( $en a $oman remains a $oman( se is a com!lete uman bein#% 9e lac&s notin#( e"en insofar as er amie is concerned% But if se e"er #ets it into er ead to try to be a man( ten se0s #rotes3ue% ,at is more ridiculous( $at is sadder( tan a $oman !retendin# to be a man2 n tat sub6ect( you0ll ne"er #et me to can#e my mind% Fa Fucienne( from te time se ado!ted men0s clotes( $ell5% % % Do you ima#ine er life $asn0t !oisoned from ten on2) )Poisoned by $at2) ):rom tat time on( my !et( if er lady friends sometimes for#ot tat se $asn0t a man( se( for er !art( te little fool( ne"er sto!!ed tin&in# about it% % % And so( des!ite all er successes( se ne"er sto!!ed bein# resentful% Tat obsession de!ri"ed er of slee! and of fait in erself( $ic is e"en $orse% ( se $as a #ood s!ort( yes% But a discontented one% Mind you( I say discontented( not sad% A little sadness doesn0t urt a mena#e of t$o $omen% 9adness( you mi#t say( fills te "oid% :ind a $oman $o asn0t felt $istful o"er a !eriod in er life $en se $as sad5) )It fills te "oid)'te remar& smac&s of unise-uality% It de"elo!s from te strict seclusion in $ic a feminine !assion is confined( tat !eriod of sensual instruction( tat ri#orous induction $itout $ic( declared te Duc de Morny( a $oman remains an unfinised s&etc% Tis enli#tened amateur in suc matters elaborates is teory to suc an e-tent tat( if I remember correctly( $e understand e is not merely tin&in# of a )di!loma in sensuality) but seems to consider'since diamond !olises diamond'tat a $oman refines a $oman( lea"es er softened( more !liable( one mi#t still better say( bruised% Morny e"idently s!o&e as an e-!erienced man $o $ould see& out a $oman for a darin# collaboration1 )I and o"er to you an incom!lete mar"el% % % 9ee tat you !erfect er and and er bac& to me5) )It $as ten() Amalia $ent on( )tat Fa Fucienne be#an to ma&e trouble% 9e be#an to ado!t all te mean $ays of lo"e1 tere $ere affairs bro&en off $itout reason( tere $ere reconciliations( but conditional( and se!arations( and unnecessary fli#ts( tearful scenes( and I don0t &no$ $at all% % % An obsession% % % Foulou( a !retty blonde se ad $it er( $ell( se
Journal des ;oncouit%
tre$ er out one ni#t alf na&ed into te #arden to teac er a lesson and ma&e er decide $at se $anted( tat is( to coose bet$een er( Fucienne( and Foulou0s usband% Before da$n( Fucienne leaned out o"er te balcony1 0Ha"e you tou#t it o"er20 se says% 04es(0 says te #irl( $o $as snifflin# $it te cold% 0,ell20 says Fucienne% 0,ell(0 says te #irl( 0I0m #oin# bac& to Hector% I0"e 6ust reali+ed e can do sometin# you can0t%0 0( naturally50 says Fucienne( s!itefully% 0No(0 says Foulou( 0it0s not $at you tin&( I0m not all tat cra+y about you &no$ $at% But I0m #oin# to tell you sometin#% ,en you and I #o out to#eter( e"eryone ta&es you for a man( tat0s understood% But for my !art( I feel umiliated to be $it a man $o can0t do pipi a#ainst a $all%0) At te end of tis story( Amalia commented1 )Did you e"er2 Fucienne e-!ected almost anytin# but tat% 9e too& it bad% 9o bad tat se ne"er sa$ Foulou a#ain% ,y are you lau#in#2) )My #oodness( at $at Foulou said% It0s cildis5) Amalia le"eled on me er $ratful bi# eyes% )Cildis5 ,y( my !et( Foulou sim!ly found te un&indest tin# in te $orld to say5) )I don0t see $y% To me( er retort $as cildis( rater comic%) )Te un&indest tin# in te $orld( I re!eat5 9uc tin#s can0t be e-!lained% Tere are% % % subtleties% % % you a"e to feel tem% If you don0t understand( ten I can0t e-!lain it to you% And I really $onder $at interests you in tese sub6ects $ic you don0t at all understand5 Fet me be( no$% 4ou0"e u!set me enou# in my 0fate05) 9e lo$ered er lon# lases on er $itered cee&s and remained se"erely silent as se read er fortune( mo"in# a #outy inde- fin#er o"er te cards% % % Ho$ many times did I not )u!set er in er 0fate0)2 I !retended to be nai"e to ear er tal&% I lo"ed to searc er face( studyin# te tic& eyebro$s and te Roman cin for traces of tat $arrior #irl $o at ni#t urried trou# te alley$ays of te rient( !assed trou# and outdistanced a number of dan#ers( and( on a body e-actly li&e er o$n( as if fondly !atterned on er o$n( ti#tened er arms% % % Her arms( te final beauty( !olised( #reenis*$ite as are te arms of Tunisian Je$esses( and robust% % % arms tat ad cradled te confident slumbers of youn# $omen and simmered trou# te "eilin# tresses of lon# air%
)Fisten( Amalia( see ere% % % ,y do you su!!ose Foulou cose to #o bac& to er usband2 Ho$ do you e-!lain it2) )I a"e notin# to e-!lain() said Amalia stiffly% )Besides( I ne"er said se did #o bac&%) ),at $as er usband li&e2) )ery #ood*loo&in#() said Amalia $it sudden &een sym!aty% )A andsome( fair*aired lad( #olden*blond( o yes( my #oodness( one of tose bi# !eaceable fello$s% % % And no trouble at all to Foulou% In fact( rater too !eaceable% % %) 9e raised er eyes( focusin# tem on te #olden*aired youn# man in te far recesses of er memory( ten a#ain made er ostile estimate1 )4es( rater sifty% But "ery( "ery !atient% Te !atience of an an#el5) ery !atient% % % )9ee tat you !erfect er and and er bac& to me5) As for !erfectin# er( $ell and #ood( but and er bac&2 ,en I recall my con"ersations $it Amalia( I feel tat masculine im!rudence in suc a case is #reat% 9u!!osin# te !recious osta#e( summoned to return to te strai#t and narro$( told er lo"er( )No( I0m not comin# bac& to you( I0m better off ere tan across te street)2 )Te im!ortant tin#( for Foulou( you see( $as to re"en#e erself $it a terrible $ord( to urt Fucienne%) )Hurt Fucienne5 A terrible $ord2 4ou ma&e me lau#( you sound li&e a scool#irl% 9uc cildis #oin#s on5 Te bi# !eaceable fello$ must a"e lau#ed arder tan I% He $as bidin# is time%) )Cildis #oin#s on2 Ho$ crass you are5 Ho$ dare you tal& li&e tat2) 9e sur"eyed me contem!tuously( flarin# er nostrils( and er irritation e-a##erated te ma6esty of er features( ma&in# tem loo& as if but a mas& o"er tat idden face tat s!oils te loo&s of some $omen( te face of a bad !riest( a face $ic seems to denounce teir secret sins% Tis $oman( $ell !ast si-ty( still stood er #round a#ainst er trium!ant ri"al and dis!uted is ad"anta#e $it an im!atience tat imitated te cronically sul&y face of Fucienne% 4es( $ell and #ood as for !erfectin# te #irl( but as for andin# er bac&% % % I find it interestin# to com!are tis tartness $it te libertine calm of te man $o resi#ns imself( a moc&in# s!ectator( to $ait for te $oman $o for a time esca!es im( as if to say( ) you( I0ll nab you once more5)
9uc arro#ance and suc confidence deser"e to be re$arded( as in fact tey nearly al$ays are% )Amalia( $ere you faitful2) )To $om2) said se( sarcastically% )To )To your little friend2) 9e affected a sudden disdain and raffisness% )5 To $omen2 It de!ends%) )De!ends on $at2) )n te life $e led to#eter% If our $or& did not allo$ us to li"e to#eter( to#eter( my little friend and I( ten I $asn0t faitful% And neiter $as se%) ),y2) I remember tat once more Amalia $earily sru##ed( raisin# er "ast soulders $ei#ed do$n by te disastrous bul& of te breasts $ic !ulled tem for$ard% )Tat0s te $ay it is% ,at do you e-!ect me to say2 It0s necessary to a"e #one trou# it% And me( I did #o trou# it% Tat0s te $ay it is% A $oman isn0t faitful to a $oman $o isn0t tere%) At tis !oint I did not torment er furter( for I felt sure se $ould ne"er #o beyond tat boastful( )Me( I $ent trou# it%) I li&ed to touc te absolute limits of er i#norance and er sa!ience% About t$o &inds of lo"es se &ne$ as muc as can be learned from e-!erience and a realistic ardiood% Te $ells!rin# of er memories a"in# run dry( alon# $it er blusterin# #ood umor( umor( I left er to er )na"e of 9$ords) and( $itout er( I !ursued te sub6ect furter%
Ho$ Reluctant I am to andle dis!assionately anytin# in creation as !erilously fra#ile as an amorous mena#e of t$o $omen5 Te time time is !ast $en I could be emotionally affected( but I still retain te necessary
im!artiality( im!artiality( te delicate !oint of "ie$ on $at is really delicate and !oi#nant'te attem!t at a union of t$o suc creatures( creatures( almost in"ariably $ell*meanin# at first% % % In teir e-alted state tey for#et tat tey are bein# s$ayed by te nest*buildin# instinct of industrious females( destined to found and fill a ome( as tey assemble te materials for constructin# a sentimental refu#e1 te roof unstable and immaterial( sored u! by a!!osed foreeads( clas!ed ands( united li!s% % % 4es( I $ant to s!ea& $it di#nity( tat is( $it $armt( of $at I call te noble season of feminine !assion% I $rite )noble season) and not )season of noble lo"e(0 for e"en if it as lost its !urity I can only com!are it to te burnin#ly !assionate !assionate and caste season of betrotals% Te noble season of lo"e( condemned by most !eo!le( so$s its nobility by disdainin# unambi#uous sensual !leasure( by refusin# to reflect( to see tin#s clearly( and to !lan a future% ,en could tey lay old of a sense of te future( tose t$o enamored $omen $o( at e"ery moment( demolis and deny it( $o en"isa#e neiter be#innin# nor end nor can#e nor solitude( $o breate te air only # deu3, and( arm in arm( $al& only in !erfect ste! $it eac oter2 It is is te !eriod $en a monstrous life is establised( set u! li&e a contem!lation in front of a mirror( a life $ose re#ularity $ould stifle normal lo"e% Te $oman $o as #i"en erself to a man is belo"ed( is demandin#( but e"en at te ei#t of er a!!iness se can ne"er banis te intermittent idea of e"entual loneliness1 )9ome day $en he as #one% % % n tat benc I sall $ait ffor or him him% % %) Indeed( e"ery time se re6ects er lo"er( is se not e-tendin# te dan#ers tat treaten te uman cou!le2 But it is oter$ise $en te cou!le is formed a!art from a man% T$o T$o $omen immersed in eac oter do not fear( can no lon#er ima#ine a se!aration tat $ould be intolerable% Te !udicity tat se!arates t$o lo"ers durin# te ours of re!ose( of ablutions( of illness ne"er insinuates itself bet$een t$o t$in bodies bodies tat a"e similar afflictions( afflictions( are sub6ect to te same cares( te same !redictable !eriods of castity% % % A $oman $oman mar"els at erself( is trilled by er resemblance to te $oman se lo"es and !ities% % % Miracles of $ea&ness and of timid attainments5 In li"in# amorously to#eter( to#eter( t$o $omen may e"entually disco"er tat teir mutual attraction is not basically sensual'in contradiction to te cynical o!inions e-!ressed by Rene i"ien% i"ien% ( te !atetically infantile and distrau#t cynicism of Rene5 ,at $oman $ould not blus to see& out er amie amie only for sensual !leasure2 In no $ay is it !assion tat fosters te de"otion of t$o $omen( but rater a feelin# of &insi!% ) my sisters5) Rene i"ien $as constantly si#in#% But in er "erse se constantly !ictures er sisters as bein# more mor e or
less lan#uisin#( torn $it an#uis( soa&ed in salt tears% I a"e $ritten )&insi!) $en !era!s I sould a"e used te $ord )similarities%) Te close resemblance e"en sets at ease sensual desire% A $oman $oman finds !leasure in caressin# a body $ose secrets se &no$s( er o$n body #i"in# er te clue to its !references% )( !oor little tin#5) ,at a s$eet cry( full of !ride and com!assion5 Tus a $oman lamented and cradled te $oman se lo"ed( $om se ad 6ust el!ed to reac te !ea& !ea& of felicity% felicity% % % Ten se abandoned abandoned er to silence( ne"er obli#in# er to utter tose $ords tat fan te faintly #lo$in# embers but disru!t te delicate solidarity tat is maintained only by incessant and united efforts% If( !arted( te t$o sado$s( re!licas of eac oter'li&e te sado$s of t$o balustrades( slender ere( s$ollen tere' allo$ an intruder to enter te s!ace bet$een tem( it is enou# to ruin te $ell*constructed edifice% And te sado$ !ro6ected on te inter"enin# s!ace need not be tat $orst intruder( a man% Te most ordinary irru!tion can mortally can#e te steady otouse $armt in $ic t$o $omen de"ote temsel"es to te culti"ation of a delusion% ften it is a man $o a!!ears( faitful to is mission of encantin# and e-austin# $omen merely by is da++lin# difference% By contrast( e seems te "ery embodiment of lu-ury and ostentation% He is as necessary and nefast as a ri#orous natural climate( but e li&es to be desired as a su!erfluity% ccasionally ccasionally te female cou!le a"e time to bloc& u! te route r oute by $ic e !enetrated( and eroically tey a#ain li"e united( a"in# sared e"erytin#( e"en te su!reme de!ri"ation% 9ome $ill say tat I #i"e te smallest role to te fe"eris !leasure of te senses( in tis ca!ter $ere $omen !ass and !ass a#ain( t$o by t$o% Te reason for tis is my con"iction tat 9a!!ic libertina#e is te only unacce!table one% ,e can ne"er sufficiently blame te 9a!!os met by cance in restaurants( in dance alls( on te Blue Train( Train( on te side$al&( tose !ro"ocati"e $omen $o lau# but cannot si#% si#% ,e ,e can ne"er brin# enou# enou# t$ili#t( silence( and #ra"ity to surround te embrace of t$o $omen% And And so I mana#ed to &ee! my #ood umor $en recallin#( $en relatin# certain licentious traits of tat #ood soul( Amalia( $o sinned trou# #aiety $en se recounted er )bacelor0s life%) T$o $omen "ery muc in lo"e do not sun te ecstasy of te senses( nor do tey sun a sensuality less concentrated tan te or#asm( and more $armin#% It is tis unresol"ed and undemandin# sensuality tat finds a!!iness in an e-can#e of #lances( an
arm laid on a soulder( and is trilled by te odor of sun*$armed $eat cau#t in a ead of air% Tese are te deli#ts of a constant com!anionsi! and sared abits tat en#ender and e-cuse fidelity% Ho$ mar"elously com!act( te re!etition of days( re!eated li&e te reflections of a lam! in a !ers!ecti"e of mirrors5 Pera!s tis lo"e( $ic accordin# to some !eo!le is outra#eous( esca!es te can#in# seasons and te $anin#s of lo"e by bein# controlled $it in"isible se"erity( nourised on "ery little( !ermitted to li"e #ro!in#ly and $itout a #oal( its uni3ue flo$er bein# a mutual trust suc as tat oter lo"e can ne"er !lumb or com!reend( but only en"y7 and so #reat is suc a lo"e tat by its #race a alf century can !ass by li&e )a day of delicious and e-3uisite retirement%) I a"e co!ied tose last $ords( fallen a undred times from te !en of Fady Eleanor Butler and a undred times sto$ed a$ay li&e a sentimental boo&mar&( bet$een te !a#es of er Journal% K In May 8G( t$o $ellborn youn# #irls( related to te ,els aristocracy( ran a$ay to#eter and( a"in# cosen teir fate( cloistered teir solitude( teir reci!rocal tenderness for fifty*tree years( in Flan#ollen( a small to$n in ,ales% Fady Eleanor Butler( te elder of te t$o( died at te a#e of ninety% In 8GK 9ir ,alter 9cott !aid a "isit to te $omen( $o $ere by tat time &no$n as )te Fadies of Flan#ollen() and is son*in*la$ too& it u!on imself to tell us tat tey $ere )ridiculous%) But in 8GG Prince Pc&ler*Mus&au( $ile a#reein# tat teir old*fasioned clotes did ma&e tem loo& )some$at ludicrous() insisted tat bot ladies $ere caracteri+ed by )tat a#reeable aisance, tat air of te $orld of te ancien r$%ime $ic counteracted tis7 moreo"er( tey $ere )courteous% % % $itout te sli#test affectation( s!ea&in# :renc $ell() and abo"e all tey $ere endo$ed $it )tat essentially !olite( unconstrained( and sim!ly ceerful manner of te #rand society of tat day% % %) I a"e only one !icture of tem1 a re!roduction of a mediocre !ortrait !ainted to$ard te end of teir li"es% Fady Eleanor seems to be te smaller of te t$o% :acin# te s!ectator( se is stiffly encased in a blac& #arment of ea"y material( $it a ti#t little s!encer( a "oluminous s&irt( te cut of te outfit bes!ea&in# te "illa#e dressma&er% Under t$o su!erim!osed s&irts( #atered u! by te left and of te sitter( can be #lim!sed a little $ite K Tis diary reads( on te title !a#e( )Journal of E% B% and 9% P% Inabitants of a Cotta#e in te ale of Flan#ollen( N% ,ales% ,ritten by E% B%) It is te &ey document in The 4am5ood Papers, ed% by ;% H% Bell .Jon Tra"ers/( Macmillan and Co%( Ftd%( 8<=>% ,ere !ossible( $e are 3uotin# directly from tese sources( rater tan doin# a retranslation of Colette0s :renc "ersion( $ile follo$in# Colette0s !lan( $ic $as to omit dates and not e"en &ee! to te cronolo#y% At one !oint in tis ca!ter Colette $rites( )I translate ere and tere( I re"erse te order( and I do not e-cuse myself at all5) 'Translator0s note
!etticoat and s3uare*toed lo$*eeled sli!!ers% Te $itered troat is concealed by an ascot nec& scarf% Te outfit of Miss 9ara Ponsonby is identical to tat of Fady Eleanor( and te same im!ortant to! at( a &ind of coal scuttle $it cur"ed brim( is $orn by te t$o friends% Te ensemble does not abstain from includin# te ine"itable accessories of te !eriod'roc&y landsca!e( fountain sa!ed li&e a ba!tismal font( ;otic arces( and $ite $olfound !layfully standin# on its fra#ile ind le#s% I $ould li&e to a"e &no$n te faces of tese t$o o!inionated ladies as tey $ere $en youn# and radiant $it mutual trust% But all I a"e in my ands is te account of teir life( $ic I a"e read slo$ly and not $itout some difficulty in te ori#inal te-t% Teir fli#t $as a #reat scandal( but once curiosity $as e-austed( to&ens of friendsi! and esteem came from all !arts to )te Fadies of Flan#ollen() and visites distin%u$es 'Fady Eleanor em!loys te :renc $ords'$ere ne"er lac&in#% Mme de ;enlis re!orts tat )bot ladies a"e te noblest manners and i#ly culti"ated minds() but after tis be#innin# se falls into res!ectable be$ilderment min#led $it !ity for tose )im!rudent "ictims of te most dan#erous e-altation of te mind and eart) $o( in tat e-cited state( ad e-can#ed "o$s tat left tem )fore"er cained to teir mountain% % % In te eyes of te $orld( te fate of a Carmelite must surely be less !itiable5) Fea"in# Mme de ;enlis to te )torrents of tears) e-!ected in te literature of tat time( I am inclined to !ut more fait in Prince Pc&ler* Mus&au( $o $rites1 )Notin# beyond teir cotta#e interests te "enerable ladies% It is true( teir d$ellin# contains some "eritable treasures1 a $ell* stoc&ed library( a deli#tful site and "ie$% % % A calm and !eaceful life( a !erfect friendsi!% % % suc are teir blessin#s% % %) Tey $ere #lad to die )res!ected%) Tat is a $ea&ness old a#e rarely esca!es'one must also consider tat tey $ere bot e-tremely $ellborn and $ell*bred% At te source of teir serenity( #oin# bac& a alf century( tey at least could find( still $arm in its ases( te romantic memory of teir first elo!ement( te $ild race at ni#t on foot trou# mountainous roads( teir feet bleedin# in fra#ile clot sli!!ers% % % Tey could remember t$o ni#ts out in te o!en( slee!in# in a ruined barn( 9ara si"erin# $it cold in s!ite of te !rotecti"e arms around er'ni#ts of an-iety( of mountin# fe"er( and ten te a!!roac of te !ursuers #uided by te bar&in# of 9ara0s little do#%
Infatuated $it romance( tey ad lea!ed from a $indo$ rater tan lea"e by $ay of te o!en door% Tey corres!onded $it eac oter by secret means( bribed te ser"ants( and( at te moment of lea"in#( ad sei+ed firearms tey did not &no$ o$ to use and fled on orsebac&( altou# tey ad ne"er in teir li"es sat a orse% % % Tere $ere com!lications( le#al !rocesses( tra#edies( cildis tears% % % but from all tis a uni3ue sentiment s!ran#( strai#t and firm and flo$erin# li&e te iris nestlin# a#ainst its #reen stem% Te youn#er of te fu#iti"es( 9ara Ponsonby( $en cau#t and ta&en bac& ome after teir first fli#t( almost died of !neumonia as a result of it% In er fe"eris delirium se &e!t re!eatin# er firm intention of dyin#( lea"in# off only to call out for er friend Eleanor% And tat friend )of robust caracter) neiter $e!t nor screamed but esca!ed from er ome at ni#t and re6oined te moribund 9ara( idin# erself and li"in# in a cu!board% In sort( $at did tey $ant2 Almost notin#% E"erytin#% Tey $anted to li"e to#eter% ,en at last te t$o families yielded( o"er$elmed( unable to ma&e )ead or tail) of tis folly( of tis !ure but irre#ular !assion( te t$o #irls suddenly became as #entle as tame do"es% In te bosom of te con3uered and tearful Ponsonby family( tey serenely and $it an#elic cruelty or#ani+ed teir final de!arture% )Tey dined $it us() $rites a Mrs% ;oddard in er diary( )and I a"e ne"er seen anytin# so confident as teir bea"ior% % % At si- in te mornin# tey set out as merry as !ossible%) :rom tat day on$ard( te matter $as settled% A "o$ of reclusion descended on tis cou!le of youn# #irls( se!aratin# tem from te $orld( "eilin# and can#in# and rema&in# te uni"erse in teir eyes% In te distance $ould rumble and ten die do$n te storm of no*!o!ery riots in Fondon7 te United 9tates $ould !roclaim its inde!endence7 a 3ueen and &in# of :rance $ould !eris on te scaffold7 Ireland $ould re"olt( te Britis fleet $ould mutiny7 sla"ery $ould be abolised% % % Te uni"ersal e-citement( te confla#ration of Euro!e did not cross te Pen#$ern Hills tat sut in Flan#ollen( or disturb te $aters of te little ri"er Dee% ,e $ould &no$ notin# more of )te Fadies of Flan#ollen) ad not te elder( accordin# to te fasion of te time( &e!t a diary( only t$ice interru!ted in forty*tree years% As usual $it !erfectly a!!y !eo!le( te youn#er $oman ne#lected all means of e-!ression and( mute( became a s$eet sado$% 9e $as no lon#er 9ara Ponsonby( but a !art of tat double !erson called )$e%) 9e e"en lost er name( $ic Fady Eleanor almost ne"er mentioned in te diary% :rom ten on se $as called )Belo"ed) and )Better Half) and
)Deli#t of my Heart%) No$ let us enter( full of a$e( te fantastic atmos!ere( let us satter te ima#inary barrier( let us tread te meado$s $ere te turf is as buoyant as a cloud and as #reen as te #reen in our dreams( #ra+ed by a )sil"er and !ur!le ray) comin# from no one &no$s $ere( laminated bet$een t$o mountains% % % Read Madame de 9"i#n% My Fo"e dra$in#% :rom se"en till nine in s$eet con"erse $it te deli#t of my eart( o"er te :ire% Pa!er0d our Hair% Incessant rain te entire e"enin#% 9ut te sutters( made a #ood fire( li#ted te Candles% % % A day of strict retirement( sentiment( and deli#t% :rom se"en till ten I read Rousseau% A day of Peace and deli#t% :elt and en6oy0d our retirement% A day of te most !erfect and s$eet retirement% Rose at se"en% A s$eet s!rin# mornin#% % % Ten% My belo"ed and I dran& a dis of tea% % % A day of most delicious and e-3uisite retirement% My belo"ed and I $ent te Home Circuit% % % 9oft fine rain% Be#an Les 2emories de 2adame de 2aintenon. I doubt $eter te ul#arity of stile( absurd anecdotes( and im!ertinent reflections $ill !ermit me to read it% ,ritin#( Dra$in#( s$eet sunsine( blue s&y% 9oft smo&e from te "illa#e ascendin# in s!irals% % % Birds innumerable% My belo"ed and I $ent a delicious $al& round Ed$ard E"ans0 field% % % I cannot el! but sto! to read a#ain and a#ain tat !rase $ic commemorates one day amon# many1 2y *eloved and I 5ent a delicious 5al6. . . Had se been less sim!le and tou#t more about $at $ould become of er diary after er deat( $ould Fady Eleanor a"e sto!!ed tere2 To da++le !osterity and confound teir detractors it $ould suffice for
te t$o friends to a"e left on one of tose seets of !a!er used by 9ara for er !aintin#s of birds and flo$ers merely tat sentence $ic tells te $ole story of teir life to#eter1 2y *eloved and I 5ent a delicious 5al6. . . Tey )$ent te Home Circuit) and $ent on delicious $al&s to#eter for fifty*one years% Durin# te first years of tat carmin# stroll( did tey $ear te $ite froc&s tat $ere in te En#lis fasion( $it a ficu crossed o"er te bosom and loosely ¬ted beneat it2 Tese dau#ters of uality serenely lac&ed money1 2y 4eart"s darlin% and I. . . sat *y the 7itchen 'ire, tal6in% of our Poverty. I $ould be $illin# to s$ear tat tey tal&ed about teir !o"erty as if it $ere one more blessin#( e-clusi"e( and ca!tured $itin teir fenced enclosure1 our !o"erty( our #ooseberries( our darlin# co$ Mar#aret( our soes tat $e are #oin# to brea& in( our air tat te airdresser must arran#e% % % If Eleanor Butler did not $rite )our tomb() it $as( no doubt( because se sran& from tose $ords $ic touced u!on te e-treme intimacy of teir ultimate couc% But se ne"er tired of ma&in# "eiled allusions to it1 A day of delicious retirement% In te e"enin# my belo"ed and I $rote and si#ned a Pa!er% 9ealed it $it tree Blac& 9eals and de!osited it in te u!!er flat Dra$er of te Des&% Tere to remain till after our Decease $en $e trust te re3uest contained in it $ill be accorded% Had se not mentioned te tree blac& seals( $e $ould a"e in"ented tem( demanded tem% Tree blobs of blac& sealin# $a-( te $inter ni#t( a solemn oat( and te t$o names affi-ed beneat te oat% % % ,e smile% 9uc cildis !erformances are common to so many !assionate lo"es5 ,at is uncommon in so many !assionate lo"es is to endure alf a century( $itout can#e or "ariation% Ha"in# said( $ritten( si#ned( e-can#ed some $is!ered $ords( listened to te December $ind( te t$el"e stro&es of midni#t( te o$ls( and a"in# summoned all te #osts inabitin# a ,els cotta#e( te t$o friends li#ted a lantern and $ent out( and in and( to te stables to !ay a call on )darlin# Mar#aret() te co$% Beyond time( beyond reac% % % No$ and ten tey briefly felt te soc& of reality% Teir fli#t $as muc tal&ed about and te ne$s!a!ers sometimes recalled it% Fady Eleanor ten too& offense( $rote to influential friends( com!lained to er distin#uised &insmen% ,at did te blissful and mute 9ara Ponsonby tin& about all tis2 ,e sall ne"er &no$% Te diary
informs us tat on te day in 8G< $en te Comte de Jarnac "isited te t$o friends and told about te e"ents in Paris'te fli#t of Fouis LI to ersailles( is return( te riotin# in te streets( "arious orrors'te ,ell* Belo"ed $as finisin# a letter !ouc in $ite satin $it #old initials bordered in saded blue and #old( loc&*stitced in $ite sil&( te $ole tin# emmed in !ale blue% And Fady Eleanor adds( )Te Comte de Jarnac% % % $ent a$ay and left us carmed $it im%) 9e does not disdain to set do$n in er !recise and cold En#lis manner a summary of te re"olutionary days( but se immediately returns to more im!ortant tin#s% My Belo"ed and I $al&ed to Blaen Bace% % % :ound a "ery !retty youn# $oman s!innin#% % % a little cild $it a Doll( t$o fine do#s% % % a blac& and $ite cat% % % Infantile ad"entures( fairylands of lo"e'and muc tat se dared not say% A touc of uman res!ect !re"ents er from addin#( )a fairy sittin# in a clum! of bind$eed( a little man $it bird*feet% % % and a booted s3uirrel%) No( se relates only $at ordinary mortals can belie"e% My belo"ed and I #atered olly berries( !rimrose and stra$berry !lants for our Ban&s% % % Ten "isited a co$( sa$ er suc&lin# er son% % % $ent to te ne$ #arden( #atered #ooseberries% % % Te fantastic tale cares not a $it for te e3uino-es5 Te elastic turf( #reener tan #reen( can ne-t day be co"ered $it a crystal !o$derin# of frost% Abo"e te cotta#e and its ill( did tere e"en e-ist a season of fine $eater or a season of bad $eater2 No% Tere $as only Flan#ollen $eater% 9oft fine rain% My Belo"ed and I $ent te Home Circuit% Celestial lo"ely day% Te ma#ic of tis radiant friendsi! reduced te ,els "illa#ers to a state of adoration( and also seemed to affect te "ery animals( $ic became s!ellbound in te "icinity of te cotta#e%
A Rabbit in te 9rubbery% 9ent to te "illa#e for ounds to unt it% No Noses% Nor indeed Eyes% Could neiter smell nor see te Rabbit $ic sat before tem by te Fibrary $indo$% United for better or $orse( tey disdained notin#% Teir beautiful ands unlin&ed to do ouse$or&( scatter seeds in te &itcen #arden( oil te furniture( !olis eac mar"el of teir blessed and restricted uni"erse% Rose at si-% % % My Belo"ed and I $ent to te #arden% % % 9o$ed tree sorts of cucumber seeds% % % iled te Parlour eatin# table $it te 9!inamland recei!t% Dined in te &itcen to let te oil sin& in it% % % dined "ery comfortably on lamb and cold mutton% % % :ound Mar#aret ?te co$@ at te #ate $aitin# for admittance% !ened it for er% ,al&ed round our little demesne( returned ome by te lane% % % te country in a bla+e of beauty% Intentionally I ne#lect all te dates of tis Journal% Fady Eleanor noted tem $it care( no doubt fearin# tat te fu#iti"e #old( te immaterial dust of time $ould come all too 3uic&ly to dry te in&% % % I do not mention te numerous re"ealin# traits tat sli!!ed from te !en of te !ro"incial aristocrat $ic Fady Eleanor Butler $as( #enial $it te "illa#ers of Flan#ollen but ready to )refuse $it !ro!er contem!t) any )Creatures $itout names and certainly $itout manners) $o try to !ass trou# te $ite #ate% Altou# se $as infatuated $it #enealo#y and !roud in later life tat te )bon ton) came to "isit er and er amorous sado$( se sa$ to it tat te "isitors did not stay too lon#% Moreo"er( te cotta#e $as relati"ely small% Fady Eleanor does not detail( in te Journal( te arran#ement of te room se admires more eac day 8I am so sure it is li6e 2adame de $vi%n$"s ca*inet), and if I mista&e not( te $ords )te bedroom) and )our bed) occur but once% En#lis readers( more strait*laced and more !er"erted tan I( are free to see in tis a !roof% % % but a !roof of $at2 En"ious of a de"otion as tran3uil as tis( some $ould a"e it tat tese t$o faitful s!insters fell sort of !urity'but $at do tey mean by !urity2 I !ic& a 3uarrel $it tose $o consider tat !attin# a youn# cee&( fres and $arm and "el"ety as a !eac( does not "iolate te !ro!rieties but tat caressin# and li#tly $ei#in# $it te cu!!ed and a rosy breast sa!ed
li&e a !eac is a cause for bluses( alarmed cries( slurs cast u!on te caracter of te assailant% % % Ho$ ard it is for res!ectable !eo!le to belie"e in innocence5 ( I &no$( I &no$ 3uite $ell tat te cee& remains cool( $ile te breast becomes e-cited% ,ell( so muc te $orse for te breast5 indiscreet little breast( can you not allo$ us to o"er o"er you( selfisly meditatin# and callin# u! "isions of !ul!y fruit( rosy da$ns( sno$y landsca!es2 Can you not allo$ us to $ander amon# te !lanets or sim!ly tin& of notin#2 ,y are you not li&e $arm marble( im!ersonal( la$* abidin#( and res!ectful of te caressin# and2 ,e do not as& your o!inion( but tere you are( at once de"oid of mystery( im!lorin#( and samefully "irile% % % )In cases of !ublic morals() an old 6ud#e once said( )it is almost al$ays te "ictim $o is #uilty% % %) Te bedroom% % % our bed% % % ,at I $ould li&e to a"e is te diary tat $ould re"eal te "ictim( te diary tat te youn#er of tis cou!le( 9ara Ponsonby( mi#t a"e &e!t% Eleanor( $o s!ea&s for bot and $ields te !en( as notin# to ide from us% Te secret ere is 9ara( $o says notin#( and embroiders% ,at a li#t $ould be sed by a diary se &e!t7 surely se $ould a"e confessed e"erytin#7 no$ and ten tere $ould be te int of a subtle and !era!s traitorous attraction( a $ealt of sensual effusions% 9ee ere( stoutearted Eleanor( you $o $ere res!onsible for all te daily decisions( you $o $ere so !rofoundly submer#ed in your ,ell*Belo"ed( $ere you una$are tat t$o $omen cannot acie"e a !erfect union2 4ou $ere te !rudent $arden'te masculine element% It $as you $o measured te distance at $ic te real $orld must be &e!t( $o #a"e to some !arts of a fe$ miles of rollin# countryside a !astoral as!ect% 4our urbanity( $ic o!ened $ide te cotta#e door to te $ellborn !asserby( &ne$ still better o$ to sut it% Prom!tly your modest turnout $as arnessed and you dro"e( you and your ,ell*Belo"ed( to$ard "illa#es( to$ard friendly nei#bors( to$ard certain "istas% Te same carria#e brou#t you bac& te same e"enin#( and on your return 6ourney you ad $it you te full moon( te odor of ne$*mo$n ay( te ootin# of te $ood o$l% % % And e"ery midni#t for fifty years and more found you and your belo"ed reunited under te roof tiles% And one ni#t1 )% % % ,e found on our bed( in te bedroom( te Cristmas #ifts tat our best friends and ser"itors% % %) Here te ordinary reader smiles% Nor does e fore#o a sniff of amused su!eriority% But I am not an ordinary reader% I do not smile at tis our closed in u!on t$o $omen $o( refusin# to be te !arody of a cou!le( !ass trou#( lea"e out te sta#e of s!urious nu!tials and attain te refu#e of slee!in# to#eter( lyin# a$a&e to#eter( e-!eriencin# to#eter nocturnal
terrors% % % Te $ea&er one ti#tens er arms round te nec& of te elder one( breates in te odor of er tic& air( #rits er teet( !ermits erself neiter to sob nor to $im!er1 )Ho$ far $e are from e"eryone5 Ho$ alone $e are% % %) And te older $oman( menaced by no !eril( lays a !rotecti"e arm around er friend0s soulder and in te dar&ness clences er free fist1 )If anyone dared to come ere to ta&e er a$ay from me( I 0d% % %) And in te dar&ness se listens to er o$n accelerated eartbeat( for t$o $omen $o a"e resol"ed to li"e alone to#eter are ne"er safe% E"erytin# is !ermitted tem e-ce!t one &ind of 3uietude% And tat is $y I contem!late( $it a friendly and com!reendin# emotion( te bedroom in"aded by fear and at last "isited by slee! and finally by te da$n' the bedroom and the bed $ere re!ose t$o s$eet( foolis creatures( so intensely loyal to a delusion% Fo"e( ouse$or&( #ardenin#7 in te e"enin#( readin#7 "isits recei"ed and !aid bac&7 lon#( $orldly and detailed corres!ondence7 En#lis #ormandi+in#'cold mutton bein# fa"ored e3ually $it )te fruit of te Passiflora ser"ed $it su#ar and Madeira $ine)'and o$ time flies5 ,at( as it already been t$enty years( already forty years tat $e are to#eter2 ,y( o$ terrible5 ,e a"en0t yet said all $e $anted to say to eac oter% % % May $e a"e a little res!ite( or else may $e be allo$ed to be#in all o"er a#ain5 And )5) says Fady Eleanor to erself( tremblin#( for se $ill soon be ei#ty% )( tat !oor little tin#( te Deli#t of my Heart( tat little one I sall lea"e all alone% % % ,y( it $as only yesterday( only tis mornin# tat I noted in my Journal er toucin# $ay of #i"in# me my emetic( an-iously( $it tat #oodness tat is te 6oy of my life% % % ( tat dear cild( my Better Half( $o is only si-ty*si- and &no$s notin# of life% % %) It $as at about tis !eriod tat te common!lace !ortrait I0m so fond of $as !ainted( te !ortrait of t$o old s!insters in ridin# abits% % % And te moment comes( not lon# after$ard( $en Fady Eleanor Butler dies( at te a#e of ninety% Te friend se forsoo& $aited only t$o years to re6oin er in te bed made u! in ad"ance in te narro$ room !ro"ided for under te secret of te tree blac& bees$a- seals% And at tis !oint( my confidence in te silent embroiderer is restored( for altou# The 4am5ood Papers ma&e muc of a letter te Du&e of ,ellin#ton $rote to te one remainin# lady( no letter of 9ara Ponsonby be$ails er loneliness and #rief( and no$ere does se describe te deat of Eleanor Butler or eulo#i+e te caracter of te de!arted% Alone( berea"ed( se so$s erself $orty of er youtful self(
tat !roud and im!assioned #irl $o at t$enty resol"ed to die% Just as a derelict clin#in# to a s!ar from te si!$rec& does not dream of countin# te blessin#s e as lost( 9ara Ponsonby did not dream of mournin# aloud er lost friend% Her memorialist #i"es us only a sort and final letter( com!letely to my taste( $ic does not de!art from er !assionate silence but dis#uises it beneat te musin#s of a #irl no lon#er youn#1 % % % A friend brou#t me 8S #eraniums( 8 of $ic are !erfectly ne$ to me tou# already !ossessed of I tin&( four*score "arieties% I $ill send you a list of tem( for tou# Infants at !resent tey may be !arents in 9!rin# and( some at least( be acce!table additions to yours in teir Descendants at tat 9eason% I am "ery muc obli#ed for te Heartsease seed% I am afraid it $ill be of "ery difficult culti"ation in tese unfa"ourable times O
G Ei#teen undred and tirty*one% % % E-actly a century as !assed since te deat of tat sur"i"or% Can $e !ossibly( $itout a!!reension( ima#ine t$o Fadies of Flan#ollen in tis year of 8<=>2 Tey $ould o$n a car( $ear dun#arees( smo&e ci#arettes( a"e sort air( and tere $ould be a li3uor bar in teir a!artment% ,ould 9ara Ponsonby still &no$ o$ to remain silent2 Pera!s( $it te aid of cross$ord !u++les% Eleanor Butler $ould curse as se 6ac&ed u! te car( and $ould a"e er breasts am!utated% No lon#er $ould tere be a "illa#e blac&smit $it $om se $ould a"e cordial relations7 se $ould e-can#e familiar remar&s $it te #ara#e man% And already( t$enty years earlier( Marcel Proust ad endo$ed er $it soc&in# desires( customs( and lan#ua#e( tus so$in# o$ little e &ne$ er% E"er since Proust sed li#t on 9odom( $e a"e ad a feelin# of res!ect for $at e $rote( and $ould ne"er dare( after im( to touc te sub6ect of tese ounded creatures( $o are careful to blur teir trac&s and to !ro!a#ate at e"ery ste! teir !ersonal cloud( li&e te cuttlefis%
But'$as e misled( or $as e i#norant2'$en e assembles a ;omorra of inscrutable and de!ra"ed youn# #irls( $en e denounces an entente( a collecti"ity( a fren+y of bad an#els( $e are only di"erted( indul#ent( and a little bored( a"in# lost te su!!ort of te da++lin# li#t of trut tat #uides us trou# 9odom% Tis is because( $it all due deference to te ima#ination or te error of Marcel Proust( tere is no suc tin# as ;omorra% Puberty( boardin# scool( solitude( !risons( aberrations( snobbisness'tey are all seedbeds( but too sallo$ to en#ender and sustain a "ice tat could attract a #reat number or become an establised tin# tat $ould #ain te indis!ensable solidarity of its "otaries% Intact( enormous( eternal( 9odom loo&s do$n from its ei#ts u!on its !uny counterfeit% Intact( enormous( eternal% Tose are bi# $ords $ic im!ly consideration( at least te consideration one o$es to !o$er% I don0t deny it% ,omen are little ac3uainted'it #oes $itout sayin#'$it omose-uality( but $en tey encounter it( tey ado!t te attitude im!osed by $oman0s instinct% Tus( facin# te enemy( te rose beetle falls and !lays dead7 te #reat crab( immobile( arces its !incers7 te #ray tarente li+ard clin#s( flattened( to te #ray $all% ,e sould not be e-!ected to do more tan $e can% A $oman $om a man betrays for anoter man &no$s tat all is lost% Containin# er cries( er tears( er treats( $ic com!rise te main !art of er forces in an ordinary case( se does not stru##le( but di#s in or says notin#( fulminates scarcely at all( occasionally tries to find te $ay to an unreali+able alliance $it te enemy( $it a sin tat dates as far bac& as te uman race( a sin se neiter in"ented nor a!!ro"ed% 9e is far from ado!tin# te moc&in#ly licentious attitude of te man $ose $ife or mistress forsa&es im for anoter $oman1 ) you( I0ll #et you bac&%) Disillusioned( se renounces $it bitter atred and carefully conceals er #reat uncertainty( $onderin#( ),as e really destined for me2) :or se as more umility tan is #enerally belie"ed% But since er subtlety is limited in ran#e and since se 6ud#es se"erely te inclinations of te mind( se can ne"er mana#e to se!arate te mental from te !ysical and stubbornly confuses )omose-ual) $it )effeminate men%) In a certain !eriod of my yout( I associated for some time $it "arious omose-uals( tan&s to one of Monsieur ,illy0s #ost*secretaries% I am recallin# no$ an e!oc $en I li"ed in a sin#ular state of ne#lect and concealed $retcedness% 9till "ery !ro"incial'isn0t it so( dear Jac3ues*
mile Blance2'!ysically unsociable to te !oint of sometimes a"oidin# sa&in# ands or not lettin# my and be &issed( I resented bein# isolated and for#otten in te #loomy flat as muc as I resented bein# forced to a!!ear in society% I terefore too& #reat !leasure in te com!anionsi! of te secretary( li&e me a )#ost%) He $as youn#( $ellborn( ceerful( im!is( and e made no secret of is omose-ual inclinations% He and I $or&ed'te e-!ression $ill still ma&e a fe$ of our collea#ues smile( amon# oters Pierre eber( uillermo+( and Curnons&y'in te same )$riters0 $or&so!%) He confided in me and brou#t is friends to see me% ,it tem I felt youn#er( I reco"ered my actual a#e% I lau#ed( reassured in te !resence of so many inoffensi"e youn# men% I learned o$ a $ell*dressed man dresses 'for tey $ere for te most !art En#lis and ad strict ideas of ele#ance( and te same youn# fello$ $o secretly $ore ne-t to is s&in a tur3uoise cross on a nec& cain $ould ne"er a"e allo$ed imself uncon"entional ties or and&erciefs% T$o rooms ad been set aside for me in te con6u#al a!artment( a bedroom and a studio( $ic I referred to !roudly as my )bacelor di#s%) In tat studio( $ic $as e3ui!!ed $it a tra!e+e( tere $as as muc lau#ter as in a boardin# scool( e-a##erated and youtful lau#ter% But $at stran#e tal& $ent on tere bet$een #entlemen5 ),at0s a!!ened( my dear fello$( to your youn# bo-er2) )Bo-er2 I don0t a"e a bo-er5) )I mean( tat youn#ster $o made cardboard bo-es for milliners and !erfumers%) )( tat one5 I a"e a !oor memory% 4ou sould as& me about a certain fireman of te city of Paris5) )A fireman2 Ho$ fri#tful5) As a "isitin# card is trust out under an insult( an unmounted !oto#ra! $as trust beneat te nose of te disdainful one% )Ho$ fri#tful( really2 Ta&e a loo&5 Tis may ma&e you can#e your mind% And !lease note te belt $it te arms of Paris on it% % %) Internationally famous( $ell !reser"ed( my old friend C% de L( $o as since died of old a#e and $ose friendsi!( youtful s!irit( and carmin# manners I still miss( climbed te tree fli#ts of stairs not $itout difficulty% A dyed( s3uare*cut beard concealed( so e said( is )old cod#er0s
$attles%) Te stubborn effort to sur"i"e bede$ed is tem!les $it s$eat( $ic e li#tly dabbed $it is and&ercief% I can still see te tinness of is and( on $ic #reat "eins stood out( te #ray of is 6ac&et( te blue*#ray of is sil& and&ercief( te blue*#ray of is eyes tat $ere already faded( and te fi-ed smile tat $idened is mout% % % Tat old man( $o $as asamed of notin#( mana#ed to soc& no one% )uf5) e si#ed( as e sat do$n% )( to be only si-ty a#ain5) Jean Forrain s!ea&s of im some$ere in Poussières de Paris, referrin# to is e-ce!tional #ood loo&s( sometin# about )te best !air of soulders of te century() if I0m not mista&en% ),y are you so out of breat2 ,ere a"e you come from2) as&ed a youn# man( insultin#ly% ):rom my moter0s() re!lied C%( #i"in# imself te !leasure of not tellin# a lie( for in fact e $as a tender and res!ectful son and li"ed $it is almost centenarian moter% He loo&ed te youn# man u! and do$n and made a stin#in# re6oinder1 )9e is te only com!anion I a"e( sir% Has someone been tellin# you I a"e anoter2) ,ile te youn# man $as still tryin# to tin& of a retort or an e-cuse( C% burst into a sort lau#( ten turned to$ard me and added( )I a"e no oter since te de!arture of a youn# friend( $o is tra"elin#%) )A( yes2 ,ere is e #oin#2) ),o &no$s2 He ad certain troubles tat made im decide to lea"e%) He ea"ed a dee! si#( too& a s$allo$ of $ea& tea( and once more te blue and&ercief came into !lay as e dabbed is mout and tem!le% )He0s suc a nice boy( but absent*minded() C% $ent on% )Just ima#ine5 A lady in"ites im to er ouse for a cu! of ot cocolate'e is attracti"e% He acce!ts te in"itation'and as one of is $ea& moments% ,ile tal&in# $it er( e a!!ens to dro! sometin#( I don0t &no$ $at( into er cu! of cocolate% Any$ay( te lady $a&es u! t$o days later and finds'de!lorable coincidence5'tat all er furniture as disa!!eared% 9e tou#t se $as dreamin#( te !oor lady% But no sooner did se reco"er er senses tan se lod#ed a com!laint a#ainst my absent*minded friend% And so( not $antin# to be mi-ed u! in a com!licated affair( e $ent a$ay% May ea"en return im to us5) ;i"in# me a $in& of is alert little dar& eye( my friend te #ost*
secretary 3uestioned C% in a tone of sincerity% )Tell me( dear sir( isn0t tat absent*minded youn# man te same youn# man $o is su!!osed to a"e stran#led a Tur&is*bat attendant2) 9trai#tenin# u! $it a !roud 6er& tat $as es!ecially due to stiff muscles( te old man defended imself $it a $a"e of is fine( $rin&led and% );ossi!( dear boy( #ossi!5 I0m a $ise man( I am ne"er 6ealous of te !ast5) Tartness( teatrical cynicism( affectation( nonsensical 6estin# com!rised te tone !rescribed by tis ty!e of "isitor% 9ometimes "iolence( masculine or morbid( let out its brief cry( in6ected its brief $armt% :or instance( a mere boy( issuin# from te distant times $en #ood and e"il( min#led li&e t$o li3ueurs( made one( #a"e an account of is last ni#t at te lyse Palace* Hotel1 )He made me feel afraid( tat bi# man( in is bedroom% % % I o!ened te little &nife( I !ut one arm o"er my eyes( and $it my oter and oldin# te &nife( I $ent li&e tis at te fat man( into is stomac% % % And I ran a$ay 3uic&5) He $as radiant $it beauty( $it ro#uisness( $it a &ind of inci!ient madness% His listeners $ere tactful and cautious% No one e-claimed% nly my old friend C%( after a moment( casually said( ),at a cild5) and ten can#ed te sub6ect% Fac&in# #randeur and malice( C% resembled te Baron de Carlus only #enerically% But it is tis !o$erful latecomer on te sta#e( Carlus( $o seems to ser"e as model( for e"en tose $o !receded im re#ard temsel"es as $ea& descendants and !ay oma#e% Coura#e( if $e reduce te $ord to its most ordinary and military meanin#( did !ermit C%( as it !ermitted Carlus( to #ra+e real dan#ers( sometimes to court tem'$it tis difference( tat C%( "ery far from a"in# te masocistic de"iation of Carlus( $anted only te best and most a"ailable of $at e li&ed best% )At eart( I0m a :renc milliner() e stated% At any rate( e did not re#ard at all i#ly tese cosmo!olitan youts( #ossi!y and #ras!in#( $o offended te ancestor $it teir irony and crude familiarity% ften in teir com!any( rarely 3uestionin# tem and ne"er indul#in# in !ersifla#e $it tem( I reassured tese men( of $om I $ould be te last to say tey lac&ed "irility% A uman bein# $it a man0s face is "irile by te "ery
fact tat e contracts a dan#erous $ay of life and te certainty of an e-ce!tional deat% My stran#e friends discussed all sorts of tin#s in my !resence'"iolent deats( ine"itable blac&mails( fleecin#s( sameful la$suits( cra"ats( cuffed trousers( music( literature( do$ries( marria#es' a"oidin# no sub6ect of con"ersation in front of me( and I still $onder $y society re#ards tis cate#ory of men as irres!onsible% Tey &no$ !recisely $at tey li&e and disli&e% Tey are a$are of te !erils of teir cosen $ay of life( &no$ te bounds of teir !articular !re6udices( and if tey !ay li! ser"ice to caution( tey often for#et it% Tey allo$ed me to sare $it tem teir sudden outbursts of #aiety( so srill and re"ealin#% Tey a!!reciated my silence( for I $as faitful to teir conce!t of me as a nice !iece of furniture and I listened to tem as if I $ere an e-!ert% Tey #ot used to me( $itout e"er allo$in# me access to a real affection% No one e-cluded me'no one lo"ed me% I o$e a #reat deal to teir cool friendsi!( to teir fierce critical sense% Tey tau#t me not only tat a man can be amorously satisfied $it a man but tat one se- can su!!ress( by for#ettin# it( te oter se-% Tis I ad not learned from te ladies in men0s clotes( $o $ere !reoccu!ied $it men( $o $ere al$ays( $it sus!ect bitterness( findin# fault $it men% My stran#e omose-ual friends did not tal& about $omen( e-ce!t distantly and condescendin#ly% )ery !retty( tat $ite on $ite beadin# tat Bady $ears in te tird act() tey $ould say% r1 )( really( tose enormous ats of Fantelme( I0m fed u! $it tem5 ,y doesn0t se !arcel tem out2) Absent yet !resent( a translucent $itness( I en6oyed an indefinable !eace( accom!anied by a &ind of cons!iratorial !ride% I eard on teir li!s te lan#ua#e of !assion( of betrayal and 6ealousy( and sometimes of des!air'lan#ua#es $it $ic I $as all too familiar( I ad eard tem else$ere and s!o&e tem fluently to myself% But my bra+en youn# men stri!!ed te $ords and sentiments of teir murderous force( !layed $it $ea!ons turned aside from me( for as yet I ad neiter te stren#t nor te desire to !ut myself in a safe !lace% Te )4oun# ;ree& ;od) ad notin# to fear from me( not e"en a &iss7 )Namouna) and )nce More) babbled in teir maternal ton#ues7 Edouard de Ma- !aid us a "isit( escorted by adolescents( li&e a #od escorted by nym!s% He flattered tem $it is eyes( scolded tem $it is "oice7 for tem e $as notin# but tutelary indifference( auteur( melancoly( all sin#ularly aloof% A tyro in te career of di!lomacy ad te unfortunate idea of brin#in# alon# $it im one day is intimate friend( Bouboule( dec&ed out in a dress of blac& Cantilly lace o"er
!ale blue sil&( is face sul&y beneat a $ide lace at( as uncout as a country $enc in need of a usband( is cee&s !lum! and fres as nectarines'suc fresness not sur!risin# in a se"enteen*year*old butcer boy% ,e $ere fro+en $it astonisment( and a$are tat e $as meetin# $it no success( &ic&in# te em of is s&irt $it is enormous feet( e left us% He did not #o far( a!!arently( for only a fe$ days later e committed suicide'te une-!lained and clumsy act of a bi# boy( uncertain and ca#rined% He sattered $it a re"ol"er bullet is !retty !outin# mout( is lo$ foreead beneat &in&y air( is an-ious and timid little bri#t blue eyes% % % My circle of friends did not e"en #i"e im te briefest funeral oration% n te oter and( tese same youn# men tal&ed e-citedly and endlessly about te murder( in Fondon( of te !ainter % % % % Tey classified it as a #reat curiosity and studied it li&e men $o( bot innocent and e-!ert( can easily deci!er te cry!to#rams $ritten $it a &nife !oint on a slased troat or $it s!urs on blood*stained ti#s% ne of tese friends recei"ed a lon# letter from Fondon $ic e brou#t and read aloud% ,e all listened( reread( and absorbed it $it te delectation of youn# $ild beasts tastin# blood% I eard srill cries( oarse blas!emies in En#lis( obscure !redictions1 )4ou0ll see( it0s anoter stro&e of tose damned tree*sillin# !rostitutes of te% % %) He named a re#iment% )Tey2 4ou flatter tem5) )I &no$ $at I0m sayin#% Tey0re ca!able of anytin# tat $ill !ro"e tey can be real e*men%) It may sur!rise some !eo!le tat I could secretly a!!ly te name )oasis) or )island) to tis sore a!!roaced only by men tarred by te same brus( $o arri"ed li&e te sur"i"ors of a cataclysm% ariously mar&ed( "ariously formed( tey all came from afar( from te be#innin# of time% Tey ad tra"ersed unscated e"ery e!oc( e"ery rei#n( $itout !erisin#( li&e a dynasty sure of its e"erlastin#ness% 9elf*centered( blinded by teir o$n brilliance( tey a"e be3ueated to us only a one*sided and romantici+ed documentation% But( u! to no$( $ere tey e"er obser"ed by any $oman for te len#t of time tey a"e been obser"ed by me2 rdinarily a $oman ' and let0s say( an ordinary $oman'tries to entice a omose-ual% Naturally( se fails% 9e ten declares se )des!ises) im% r else'and te case is not rare'se $ins a !ysical "ictory( $ic #i"es er a cause for !ride7 se as acie"ed a &ind of brilliant ad"anta#e o"er im( but futile and misleadin#(
because se #i"es an e-a##erated im!ortance to e-ternal si#ns( if I dare say so% 9e is bound to be disillusioned after$ard and $ill fore"er loudly lay claim to $at se calls er due% And from tis arises dee! resentment% 9e( $o easily renounces #ettin# from a normal man te same )due() !ro"idin# er renouncement remains a secret( $ill not relin3uis er claims on a catc se made by cance and by mista&e% Po$erless to brin# about a re!etition of te initial "ictory trou# cance and miscance( se ounds im and $illfully sin&s into an uneard*of amorous des!air% I $rote about suc a youn# $oman in L"Entrave, callin# er May and ma&in# er unreco#ni+able% Jealously and sus!iciously se !ro$led about er lo"er( sub6ectin# im to suc a close $atc tat I re!roaced er for it% ),ell( $at about me2) May burst out% )Am I not !atient( a"en0t I been !atient for almost a year no$2 Do you tin& it0s natural to be li&e Jean2 A man $o doesn0t #et drun&( doesn0t ma&e scenes( doesn0t recei"e in te mail anytin# but bills and !ostal cards( doesn0t e"er a"e a really #ood time( and is ne"er in te dum!s2) ,ratfully se clenced er tiny fists and soo& tem treatenin#ly at er in"isible ad"ersary( a cold( solidly built youn# man( rater common $en e tal&ed( irre!roacable $en e remained silent% Ten se sot me a #lance tat sent me !ac&in# and returned to er 3uest( #rumblin# and $inin#% I must say tat( $it er snub nose( er $ide*set( !rominent( and #litterin# eyes( se resembled a blond bulldo#% Altou# e $as "isibly bored( se &e!t dra##in# Jean bac& to te studio #ymnasium% ),at can you see in tat cou!le you first brou#t ere2) I as&ed my friend( te #ost*secretary( referrin# to tis cou!le% )Te man is amusin#() e said "a#uely( after lettin# is birdli&e eyes( alert and blac& and ine-!ressi"e( lin#er first on tem and ten on me% )Amusin#5) I e-claimed% )Te $oman !era!s( tat little clo$n $itout a nose% But te man2) )I may be mista&en() said te #ost( $it te !unctilious !oliteness e &ne$ o$ to ma&e discomfitin#% But from ten on I noticed tat t$o !eo!le $ere s!yin# u!on May0s lo"er1 May and te #ost% Insu!!ortable catterbo-( but armless and friendly( May catted for te most !art $it te youn#er of te t$o En#lismen( te one $o $as called )nce More%) Tose t$o innocents reco"ered teir cildood on te
tra!e+e( an#in# from te rin#s( im!ro"isin# circus stunts( and Jean( all smoot surfaces( !atient( uncommunicati"e( lau#ed at tem rater #rud#in#ly% ne e"enin#( May and er #ymnastic !artner could be seen $is!erin# and !lottin# to#eter7 ten tey disa!!eared and May came bac&( ma&in# a #rand entrance( sim!erin#( dressed in te na"y*blue suit of )nce More() a scarf around er nec&( te ca! slanted o"er one eye% ),at about it( Jean2) )Ra"isin#5 ;aby Deslys as an A!ace5) e-claimed te #ost% )4ou tin&5) said May( annoyed% ),y( I0m com!letely 0nce More05 Dea me( fa$ncy seein# er ea5) se said( a!in# te youn# En#lisman% )Can0t you see( Jean2) ,a##in# er i!s( se a!!roaced er lo"er and !ressed erself a#ainst im li&e a !et animal% I only sa$ tat e bent is ead to$ard er and tat is mout seemed suddenly to s$ell% May let out a stran#e little cry( te scream of a cau#t rabbit( retreated to$ard me( and Jean e-cused imself to me( re!eatin# a#itatedly( )I didn0t do anytin# to er( I didn0t do anytin# to er%) But e could still not control is e-!ression( and is mout $as in fact s$ollen( is eyes !ale( #larin# $it atred at May( forbiddin# er to caricature a secret idol secretly re"ered% % % Ten e controlled imself( and te face e ad briefly e-!osed $as soon a#ain mas&ed% May coura#eously tried to #i"e anoter inter!retation to te $eird scream of a $ounded rabbit se ad uttered by re!eatin# it intentionally( on a "ariety of notes% And still srie&in# )Eee5 Eee5) se left te room to !ut on er dress and er bi# !lumed at% ,en se rea!!eared( Jean stood u!( ready to ta&e er ome% But se decided oter$ise% )No( no( #o ome on your o$n( 6ust let me a"e te carria#e( I $ant to #o to te rue de Ri"oli to !ic& u! my fur*lined coat( it sould be ready by no$%) He $ent off obediently( as if $al&in# in is slee!( and May( follo$in# im( #a"e me a sre$d and outra#ed loo&% But I ad not te least desire to brin# tat !oor #irl to admit te e-istence of a cate#ory of man $o cra"es men( $o is reser"ed for men and is as no-ious as te fruit of te tro!ical !oison tree to any $oman e a!!ens to attract%
Des!air born of frustration dro"e $omen( after te $ar( to imitate te loo&s and manners of andro#ynous youn# men% Tey ad rec&oned on teir men bein# deli"ered bac& to tem full of fren+ied desire% Ten( becomin# a$are tat teir o$n a!oteosis $as not "ery da++lin#( tey be#an $ildly to imitate te out$ard loo&s of te male tribe tat $as causin# tem suc eartace% Tey cro!!ed teir air( s3uandered a fortune at te sirtma&er0s( and dran& to e-cess% And tey #ained no #round( for tey $ere not disinterested enou#% ,itout meanin# to( tis bea"ior of $omen contributed to te creation of a ty!e of youn# man bot effeminate and cruel( $earin# ocer ma&eu!( tin&in# only of #ettin# aead( no matter o$% I find tis ty!e "ery different from my friends of 8G> as I remember tem% Tey may a"e been scandalous( but only moderately so( and fatuous( but teir e-tra"a#ance $ent no furter tan te moonstone and te cryso!rase% Tey $ere ridiculous( certainly( but in tose by#one times teir bea"ior did not com!letely dis#uise tem7 I could still reco#ni+e in tem a !rimiti"e bloom( te stren#t of dece!ti"ely frail*loo&in# !eo!le7 I could still see in tem te #ra"ity and te sa"a#ery of lo"e% As I $rite tese $ords( I am tin&in# of a cou!le $o ne"er min#led $it my usual "isitors% % % But I am afraid tat if I merely s!ecify tat te elder of te t$o $as a scolar( a !oet( a $riter( beautiful from ead to foot( e mi#t be reco#ni+ed% % % As for is !rote#e( is s&in reminded one of ri!e $eat( of a!!le blossoms( and e ad te di#nity of a cild of old !easant stoc&( as indeed e $as7 e s!o&e little and listened attenti"ely to is tutor and friend% To#eter tey li"ed a 3uiet life( outside Paris% I can still see te ostile #lances tey sot at my flamboyant coterie $en tey une-!ectedly arri"ed one day% )9% % %) $is!ered te elder( before e addressed me in a lo$ "oice% )Don0t disturb tese% % % carmin# indi"iduals% ,e0"e 6ust dro!!ed in to say '$e0re #oin# a$ay( toni#t%) au revoir ),ere are you #oin#2) )To Touraine( $it te youn#ster( for te ar"estin#% Tey need is el!%) )And you2) )I too $ill el! $it te ar"estin#%) He trust beneat my eyes is $eatered ands( te ands of a #reat
tra"eler( is $rists as ard as sa!lin#s% ),e0re ma&in# te tri! on foot() e added% )And not for te first time% It0s so muc more a#reeable%) Te )youn#ster() is im!atient eyes a res!lendent blue( $as already $aitin# for te si#nal to de!art( ea#er for te lon# marc beneat te June ni#t s&y( te alts alon# te road and te "a#abond meals( te $arm bread bou#t in te "illa#es on te $ay% 9orter tan te elder man( u!on $om e modeled imself admirin#ly( te boy carried imself easily( ead i#% ,at $ould time do to suc an attacment2 Te elder( &illed in action durin# te $ar( $as not amon# tose $o let temsel"es be for#otten% I $ill not be3ueat is letters to anyone% I $onder about te youn#er one% ,en e stirs te $indro$s $it te !itcfor&( does e still feel a sin&in# of is eart tat $as once full to o"erflo$in#2 :riendsi!( male friendsi!( unfatomable sentiment5 ,y sould te sob of ecstasy be te one release denied you2 I am betrayin# a tolerance tat some $ill condemn as stran#e% It is true tat te association of te male cou!le I a"e 6ust briefly s&etced ad( for me( te as!ect of union and e"en of di#nity% A &ind of austerity o"erlaid it $ic I can com!are to no oter( for it eld notin# of !arade or !recaution( nor did it s!rin# from te morbid fear tat #al"ani+es more often tan it cec&s so many amon# tose ounded by society% I find it in me to see in omose-uality a &ind of le#itimacy and to ac&no$led#e its eternal caracter% I used to be arcly scandali+ed tat te male $as attracted less( in te female form( to te carm of a dee! snare( a smoot abyss( a li"in# marine corolla( tan to te occasional assertion of te $oman0s most "irile caracteristics' and I am not for#ettin# te breast% A man is attracted to$ard $at can reassure im( to $at e can reco#ni+e in tat con"e- feminine body $ic is e-actly te o!!osite of is o$n( dis3uietin#( ne"er familiar( $it its ineradicable odor $ic is not e"en earty but is borro$ed from sea $rac&( from te ori#inal slime% % % Tose $o el!ed me at tat time $en my life $as notin# but constraint and a lie im!osed u!on me made it clear tat te anti!aty of one se- for te oter is not necessarily !atolo#ical% As I mo"ed into oter milieus( I noted tat te "ie$!oint of )normal) !eo!le is not so "ery different% I a"e said tat $at I !articularly li&ed in te $orld of my )monsters) $ere I mo"ed in tat distant time $as te atmos!ere tat banised $omen( and I called it )!ure%) But( for tat matter( I $ould a"e li&ed as $ell te !urity of te desert( te !urity of te !rison% Prison and
desert are not( o$e"er( $itin te reac of e"eryone% Tenderly( ten( I recall te monsters $o accom!anied me for a lon# $ay durin# tat !art of my life $ic $as not easy% Monsters'tat is a $ord soon said% 9o muc for monsters% ,y( as to tose $o di"erted me from my troubles( I could name tem tus and im!lore tem from te de!ts of myself( ) monsters( do not lea"e me alone% % % I do not confide in you e-ce!t to tell you about my fear of bein# alone( you are te most uman !eo!le I &no$( te most reassurin# in te $orld% If I call you monsters( ten $at name can I #i"e to te so*called normal conditions tat $ere foisted u!on me2 Foo& tere( on te $all( te sado$ of tat fri#tful soulder( te e-!ression of tat "ast bac& and te nec& s$ollen $it blood% % % monsters( do not lea"e me alone% % %) Tey and I $ere confronted $it identical dan#ers1 an intractable man and a !ernicious $oman7 $e &ne$ $at it $as to tremble $it fri#t% At times I tou#t of tem as less fortunate tan I( because fri#t sei+ed tem une-!ectedly( ca!riciously( accordin# to te state of teir ner"es( $ereas I al$ays &ne$ $y my eart san& and $y I trembled% But I en"ied tem( since many of tem $ere a!t to confuse !anic $it te arousin# of te senses% I en"ied tem teir cimera( close*sut in a ca#e and terrified% ne of tem( of $om I $as "ery fond( &e!t is !ersonal folly on a sort and timid leas% He too& it for a breat of its "ital element in tose !arts of te city it and e &ne$( li&e te Cinese $o #o at e"enin# to so$ teir ca!ti"e son#bird te flo$erin# #ardens and te reflection of te settin# sun amon# te reeds% Pe!e $as'deat no$ as im in safe&ee!in#'a 9!aniard of te old nobility( a small man( rater stiff and formal( caste out of timidity( and a#reeably u#ly% He $as o!elessly in lo"e $it blue and #old( !ale #old( te blue and #old of te fair*aired $or&in# men in blue*denim co"eralls% To$ard si- o0cloc& in te e"enin#( Pe!e $ould lean a#ainst te balustrade of te Metro and $atc( s!ellbound( all tose sades of blue climb u! from te dar& under#round( and te robust nec&s and te fair eads of air% He tasted a !leasure tat $as !urer tan tat tasted by te men $o are attracted to $or&in# #irls( for e neiter made a mo"e nor said a $ord% He ad #i"en me is friendsi! and unbosomed imself to me in is :renc( $ic $as correct but accented% No one as e"er tal&ed to me as e did of te color blue or of #olden air curlin# li&e sa"in#s around a reddened ear( or of te !un#ent !o!ulace of blond youn# $or&in# men% )Pe!e() I said( )$rite do$n $at you a"e 6ust told me5)
Modest Pe!e( soc&ed to te de!ts of is lyrical feelin#s( lo$ered is eyes% )Tat $ould not be at all amusin#( my dear%) n fine $arm e"enin#s e too& endless $al&s( searcin#( findin#( and fleein#% Te morose Paris of summertime became for Pe!e an inferno( "olu!tuous and almost tro!ical% He described te $retced streets tat I did not reco#ni+e( for under te "ault of te t$ili#t s&y e set( li&e a to$er of sil"er and #old( blue #enerator of li#t( some !lumber0s a!!rentice $it enetian blond air( some metal $or&er s!an#led $it co!!er% :or a lon# time e lo"ed tose blond( blue*clad youn# males as one lo"es te immense sea( its e"ery sur#e and s$ell% But one day te tide of si- o0cloc& $ic em!ties te metallur#ical and electrical $or&so!s out onto te streets of Paris set before Pe!e a nameless blue( blue of for#et*me*not( of aconite( of #entian( of s3uill( $it a #olden !ennon streamin# across te face of% % % )5) stammered Pe!e% )ercin#tori-5) He !ressed bot ands a#ainst is eart tat $as at lon# last torn( and sut is li!s% :or a man as te ri#t to murmur audibly )Adle) or )Rose) and to &iss in !ublic te !ortrait of a lady( but e must stifle te names of Da!nis or Ernest% Pale( $in#ed li&e tose $o #o to teir deat( Pe!e follo$ed ercin#tori-% n te collar of te ;aul( in te folds of te elbo$( and e"en on is boots( a fine fres !o$der of metal s!ar&led( and sometimes is enormous mustace( obeyin# te e"enin# bree+e( almost $i!!ed te bac& of is nec&% He $ent into a nearby ta*ac so suddenly tat e bum!ed into Pe!e( $o( stun# by a !oint of te streamin# mustace( sta##ered% Pardon, monsieur, said ercin#tori-%
Da+ed( Pe!e told imself tat e must be dreamin#% )r else I0"e 6ust died() e tou#t% )Te boy e-cused imself5 He loo&ed at me5 He as 6ust loo&ed at me a#ain% % % ,at0s a!!ened to my &nees2 My &nees $on0t old me u!( but still I &ee! #oin#( I0m follo$in# im( I% % %) He sto!!ed tin&in#( for ercin#tori-( turnin# around li&e an im!udent street urcin( ad smiled at im% )I felt() Pe!e related( )tat satterin# !an# $ic $arns us( dee! in slee!( tat a a!!y dream is endin#% But I could not sto! follo$in# im( and a alf our later I $as climbin# beind ercin#tori- a stee! staircase and $as sittin# do$n in a small bedroom( "ery clean( "ery 3uiet( $ere tere
must a"e been net curtains( for e"erytin# seemed $ite% ercin#tori- ad said( 09it do$n(0 and ad #one beind a #round*#lass door% I belie"e I remained alone for 3uite a $ile% 9uc a tin# ad ne"er a!!ened to me before% I told myself( 0My ea"ens( e may &ill me% % %0 And I tou#t( 0( if only e $ould &ill me%0 Because I reali+ed tat notin# better could a!!en% At last te door o!ened a#ain and ercin#tori-% % %) He clenced is boyis fists and ban#ed tem to#eter% )No( not ercin#tori-5 No more ercin#tori-5 ( $at a orror e $as5 He ad !ut on a $oman0s cemise laced $it ribbons( cut lo$% And do you &no$ $at e ad on is ead2 A% % % I almost don0t dare to say it% % %) He s$allo$ed ard( made a face as if sic&ened% )He ad on is ead a $reat of !om!on roses% Pom!on roses% ,it lea"es% And $it tat soft !retty mustace belo$ it% % % His beauty disonored5 ( $at a sameful mas3uerade% % %) He fell into a bitter silence% I 3uestioned im% )But ten $at( Pe!e2 After$ard2) )After$ard2 ,y( notin#() e said( astonised% )4ou !era!s don0t find my story amusin# enou#% After$ard( I $ent a$ay% I #a"e im sometin#( left it on te table%) )Ha"e you seen im a#ain2) )No( tan& you "ery muc() said Pe!e( $a"in# is and% )I can see im $ell enou# in my ima#ination% % % $it te !om!on roses% Ne"er a#ain in my life do I $ant to ear anyone tal& about !om!on roses% % %) Te fortunetellers tat e fe"erisly consulted'te $oman in te rue Coulaincourt $o fell into trances( te $oman $it te candle( te $oman $it te tarot cards( te $oman $it !ins'&e!t !redictin# te same tin#( and Pe!e $ent from one to te oter( leadin# a treatened life( for te !ytonesses ne"er sto!!ed !redictin# tat a bi# blond $oman $as #oin# to brin# im to #rief% Tey sa$ er 3uite easily trou# Pe!e0s small( slender body( $ic $as attracti"e trou# some ard*to*define in"alid0s ele#ance( te auteur of a uncbac& $itout a unc( te #race of te lame man $itout a sort le#% ,en e finally ad enou# of #i"in# te sootsayers te confused and tra"estied ima#e of is infatuation( e disa!!eared( let imself be for#otten( ten de!arted is uncomfortable life by an e-tremely tactful suicide( carefully !re!ared( colorless and $ell*bred( a suicide tat
disturbed no one%
< Tey a"e so !erfected teir art of dissimulation tat by com!arison e"erytin# else seems im!erfect% ,en I ad to dissimulate( I ad my models ri#t tere before my eyes% I ad te daily e-am!le of a di!lomacy laboriously !racticed merely in te ser"ice of !assion and resentment% I recall o$ a youn# man and is lo"er $o $ere obli#ed to e-ercise #reat !rudence $ere unmas&ed by a catterbo- and rater scandalously se!arated% Te one most urt of te t$o s!ent monts on end tryin# to find a $oman $o $ould be attracti"e to te catterbo-0s usband and succeeded all too terribly $ell% 9ubmer#ed in tis !ro6ect( e for#ot imself( rele#ated is #rief to a secondary !lace( studied and com!ared( arran#ed meetin#s( sei+ed o!!ortunities% ut of seer e-austion( e confided in me% Arri"in# $it is armless loo& of a youn# intellectual rater $orn and a##ard from is tan&less $or& of translatin#( e $ould sin& into a dee! En#lis armcair( #reen and ideous( lean bac& in it( and say( )I need to rest a $ile%) ,ic $as a lie( for e sut is eyes out of circums!ection( as a !riest in te confessional suts is eyes( se!aratin# imself from te !enitent te better to see te form of te sin% To dissimulate and &ee! u! te dissimulation o"er a lon# !eriod $itout e"er fla##in#( trou# silences( trou# smiles( to a!!ear to be an entirely different !erson'tis rele#ates te triflin# e-a##erations of #ossi!s to a 3uite inferior cate#ory% It is a tas&( as I0"e ad occasion to notice since( $ic is only !ossible for te youn#7 it is almost a &ind of secretion( as nati"e to youn# !eo!le as an insect0s ability to elaborate its orny $in# seat( its cas3ue and corselet of ard citin% % % It $ould be a !ity to let te memory of all tis be lost% I &ee! it( as I &ee!( from tese e-!eriences( te ability to see beneat te surface and to out$it te admirable artifices of cildren and adolescents% Trou# tis ability I en6oy better tan many adults te forbidden !leasure of !enetratin# te $orld of te youn#( its bras
lies( its elaborate and nai"e constructions% :ar from resentin# my clair"oyance( my !o$erful yet !uerile o!!onent $it is multi!licity of faces en6oys te #ame( #i"es u! $en cau#t( and so$s $it a deli#ted blus te e-act sensiti"e !oint I a"e struc&% Insi#t'te titillatin# &nac& for urtin#5 Re$ard #ranted for measurin#( for intuitin# te oscillations( te !endulum s$in#s of )#i"e and ta&e)5 A force tat decreases does not #o $itout a!!ro!riatin# to itself in !assin# some 6u-ta!osin# and consentin# forces% ),e come to you for $armt() declare my youn# friends of bot se-es( $earin# teir youtful $ounds li&e decorations( some of tem still #listenin# $it a trace of fres blood( battered from recent blo$s% ),arm us( ma&e us $ell5) tey re!eat% Many of tem come to crouc do$n close to me and $ait( restin# a confused ead a#ainst my &nees% % % innocents5 I tremble lest tey be mista&en and( startin# out as mendicants( may find tey are te #i"ers of life% 9all I e"er &no$ $at I ta&e from tose $o a"e trusted me2 Did I o$e tem notin# more tan to $arm tem2 To recei"e from someone a!!iness'tere0s no a"oidin# usin# tat $ord I do not com!reend'is it not to coose te sauce in $ic $e $ant to be ser"ed u!2 9cru!les come to me( as usual( by e-trauman routes% Te feelin# as #ro$n in me tat I o$e a debt to te animals $ic a"e dedicated teir brief e-istence to me% Am I teir #uardian2 My role is more nearly ra!torial% Pera!s( after all( te true friend of animals is te one $o #roans in e-as!eration( )( o$ tat do# $ears me out5) )Ta&e a$ay tis cat( I can0t tin& $ile e0s in te room5) ,ile I &no$in#ly e-aust te do#( since e al$ays yields( and usually $en I say( )Come( !uss() I see te cat urry for$ard( e"en if reluctantly( and te cat is te abundant reser"oir from $ic I dra$ secret clair"oyance( $armt( fantasy( self*control% Birds are too far remo"ed from us( altou# te tufted titmouse so$s a !reference for me% But I remember tat )catless) !eriod of my life( $ic lasted about t$o years( $as a time out of 6oint( a barren e!oc% ,eter one as to do $it an animal or a cild( to con"ince is to con3uer and subdue% Just t$o undred ste!s from tis table li"es a little four*year*old #irl $o fears neiter s!an&in# nor tunder and li#tnin# nor $as!s( and so assured is se of er !o$er of seduction tat se is !ractically uncontrollable% 9ometimes( to$ard te end of te day( $en er fater is ya$nin# $it ner"ous e-austion( $en te "iolet sado$s tat rin# te lar#e eyes of er youn# moter ma&e tem seem lar#er( te cild0s nurse( $ite*faced( comes to fetc me1 he is terrible% he did not $ant to ta&e er na! tis afternoon% ,e are $orn out( but she is as fres as a daisy% % %)
Ten I climb te nei#borin# alley$ay( and I confront te All* Po$erful% :ar from treatin# me as a scarecro$( te All*Po$erful smiles at me( #reets me( and starts a con"ersation on te e-a##erated im!ortance #i"en to ste$ed !eaces in er alimentation( for instance( or se critici+es my $ay of dressin#1 )4ou0re not at all !retty in !a6amas( I li&e you better in a s&irt() or se $ill so$ a #reat fondness for ancient :renc fol&lore and $ill sin# an old ditty for me1 )Early tis mornin# Ra#otin*dandy Dran& so muc brandy Tat e0s sta##erin#( 9ta##erin#5 )S My role is to act indifferent and to read beneat te can#in# features of te All*Po$erful er real tou#ts% 9ameful metier( in $ic I succeed all too $ell% ,y is it tat( $itout means oter tan my eyes and $ords( I lea"e te All*Po$erful mollified and o"ercome $it slee!2 9eein# er so sensible and smilin# $it self*satisfaction( I am reminded of a !air of little orses( #lossy $it indolence and oats( $ic( ta&en from te stable and arnessed( immediately bro&e te safts and te traces% ,e arnessed tem a#ain and tey $ere soft as soa! beneat my ands( trottin# s$eetly $en I too& tem a#ain from teir master% )4ou a"e te and of an old coacman( a and tat !uts a orse to slee!() e said( by $ay of !raisin# me% :or some uman bein#s are utterly unac3uainted $it a certain &ind of !iracy% But my ri"al( te All*Po$erful( $ill a"e er turn( $en I become enfeebled% Ho"erin# o"er me li&e a dra#onfly( se $ill murmur( )Tere( tere% % % Rest( #o to slee!() and to my astonisment I sall slee!% ,e0"e not reaced tat !oint( yet'o( tat in"oluntary start of !ride5'I am still stron# enou# to be la"is $it my #ifts as $ell as to !lunder te rices of oters% If I ad no e3uals( I $ould tire of tis t$ofold occu!ation( tis actin# li&e a robber one minute and li&e a s!endtrift te ne-t% But( a!art from tose S Ce matin( Ra#otin A tant bu de brande"in u0il branle5 u0il branle5
indi"iduals $o urriedly let temsel"es be filled by me( lea"in# me em!ty and dra$n( and a!art from te su!erabundant ones( still $orse( $ose indi#estible contributions I 3uic&ly re6ect( tere s!reads a +one $ere I can dis!ort $it my e3uals% I a"e more of tese tan I could a"e e-!ected% Tey are usually 6ust emer#in# from te $orst &ind of yout( te second cildood% Tey a"e lost teir solemnity and a"e ac3uired a sane notion of $at is incurable and $at is curable'for instance( lo"e% In#eniously tey fill eac day from one da$n to te ne-t( and tey a"e an ad"enturous s!irit% Tey !ercei"e( as I do( te !ernicious element in daily $or&( and tey do not lau# $en I re!eat te 3ui! of a #reat 6ournalist $o died youn# and in arness1 )Man is not made to $or&( and te !roof is tat $or& tires im%) In sort( tey are fri"olous( as a"e been undreds of eroes% Tey a"e become fri"olous te ard $ay% And tey secrete from one day to te ne-t teir o$n etics( $ic ma&es tem e"en more understandable to me and colors tem "ariously% Te tin# $e all a"e in common is a certain diffidence1 $e ne"er dare to so$ o!enly tat $e need eac oter% 9uc reser"e acts as a code of bea"ior and constitutes $at I call our )eti3uette of sur"i"ors%) Cast u!on a roc&y coast by teir dismasted "essel( sould not te sur"i"ors of te si!$rec& be te most considerate of messmates2 It is $ise to a!!ly te oil of refined !oliteness to te mecanism of friendsi!% Fisten no$ to my friend( te !ainter*en#ra"er D%( and is Polynesian tactfulness% He ad ceremoniously !re!ared is "isit by a tele!one call( and no$ e enters and noiselessly occu!ies te $ole room( li&e a cloud% )Madame Colette( I a"e come to e-cuse myself( I cannot dine $it you tomorro$% I0m sorry( I0m really "ery u!set( but since I0"e !romised% % %) He lo$ers is eyes in is reser"ed $ay( is $ide soulders fill te $indo$( bloc&in# te li#t as e stands tere( dense and motionless as a $all% He s!ea&s in an almost inaudible "oice( $itout #estures( 3uite a$are tat a mo"ement of is body( is suddenly raised "oice could brin# do$n te ceilin# and satter to bits my collection of mil& #lass% )I $ould not a"e allo$ed myself to !romise() D% #oes on in a urried $is!er( )but it0s a rater e-ce!tional circumstance% I0m e-!ectin# a friend% ,e a"en0t seen eac oter in a lon# time( it $ill soon be fi"e years( 6ust ima#ine% I sould e-!lain tat e as been absent% % % He0s a lad $o as ad troubles( a #reat many troubles% He0s returnin# from a distance and is #oin# to feel "ery disoriented% Te fact is( e $as accused of a"in# &illed is #randmoter and cut er u! into !ieces'$at $on0t tey tin& u! ne-t5 Not
only did tey accuse im( tey condemned im( li&e tat( $itout !roof% And $orse still( tey unearted'te $ord is e-act'an old yarn concernin# a little #irl $o ad been more or less ra!ed% % % All tis $as 3uite badly demonstrated% In sort( my friend as been a$ay for fi"e years% Just ima#ine o$ can#ed e $ill find tin#s5 9o I !romised to meet im at te station and to a"e dinner $it im tomorro$% By 6o"e( all tose tin#s tat a"e been said about im% % %) Te ri#idly e-tended arm of D%( li&e a su!!ortin# beam( di"ides te room into t$o !arts( on te one side )te tin#s tat a"e been said) and on te oter side te sentimental trut% )% % % I sim!ly disre#ard% But $at I can assure you( Madame Colette( and I &no$ im $ell( is tat te boy is% % %) A bi# and( s!read flat( mar&s and co"ers te location of an e"en #reater eart( $ile is "oice( muffled $it tenderness( murmurs li&e te rustlin# of lea"es1 )% % % is infinitely #entle and refined% I mi#t a"e as&ed your !ermission to brin# im $it me to dinner( but I felt I must refrain from ma&in# suc a re3uest% % %) ,ile s!ea&in#( te bi# man is tenderly andlin# a tiny fri#ate in s!un #lass7 no$ e loo&s u! at me( flasin# me a facetious #lance( is eyes as innocent as tose of a youn# #irl1 )% % % because my friend is so sy% % %) I allo$ tis last $ord to &ee! all its nai"e "alue% Not tat( $en listenin# to im( I am du!ed by so muc artlessness'no more tan D% imself is'or if so( 6ust barely% Tat an assassin may be !rudis or ner"y( one can allo$7 it is by no means sur!risin#% ,at I find si#nificant $en listenin# to D% is is res!ect for my !ersonal conce!tion of is caracter% An ideo#ram is com!rised of ea"y and li#t stro&es( one must often !ress do$n ard $en tracin# a !attern( must use in a decorati"e $ay te dar& stain in te bac&#round% Instinct and unbridled Herculean stren#t do not alone im!el my friend D% to settle a !ublic ro$ by &noc&in# t$o cra+ed eads to#eter% Not in one day or s!ontaneously is a tou#tful )Polynesian) li&e D% fasioned( or a )cild of nature) suc as I% He and I and oters li&e us come from te distant !ast and are inclined to ceris te arbitrary( to !refer !assion to #oodness( to !refer combat to discussion% Ta&en to#eter and in #ood com!any( are tese mental liberties encantin#2 Certainly% 4es( yes% And $itout dan#er'$itout any oter dan#er tan not to a"e any more dan#er to run%
But scarcely a"e I !raised tese !arallels and affinities $en I cease to en6oy myself and be#in to feel a malaise suc as one e-!eriences in te #reat museums amon# te cro$ded master!ieces( te !ainted faces( te !ortraits in $ic life continues to sur#e $it baleful abundance% Remo"e from me e"erytin# tat is too s$eet5 Arran#e for me( in te last tird of my life( a clear s!ace $ere I can !ut my fa"orite crudity( lo"e% Merely to a"e it before me and to breate it in( merely to touc it $it and or toot( it &ee!s me youn#% ,at ten as can#ed bet$een us( bet$een lo"e and me2 Notin#( unless myself( or lo"e% E"erytin# tat !roceeds from lo"e still $ears its color and s!reads it o"er me% But tis 6ealousy( for e-am!le( $ic blooms in its side li&e a dar& carnation2 Ha"e I not too soon !luc&ed it2 Jealousy( debasin# sus!icious( in3uisitions( reser"ed for te ours of ni#t and nudity( te ritual ferocities( a"e I not too soon said #oodbye to all tose daily tonics2 Jealousy lea"es no time to be bored7 does it e"en lea"e time to #ro$ old2 My #randmoter( te mean one'tat $as te $ay I distin#uised er from te oter #randmoter( $o $as a!!arently &ind'at si-ty years of a#e and more( follo$ed my #randfater to te door of a certain petit endroit. ,en my moter $as scandali+ed( te 6ealous old Pro"encal lady au#tily instructed er1 )E( my #irl( a man $o $ants to decei"e us mana#es to esca!e trou# e"en smaller oles%) Her #ray*#reen eyes $ere saded by lo$ reddis eyebro$s( se mo"ed $it a dense cor!oreal ma6esty( in $ide blac& taffeta s&irts( and $en so close to te end( se did not esitate to treat lo"e familiarly( $it sus!icion% I belie"e se $as ri#t to do so% It is ri#t not to deny one0s self too soon all familiarity $it te bi# im!ressi"e #estures $ic only 6ealousy can teac us( te bi# facile and murderous #estures( meticulously !remeditated( so masterfully accom!lised in ima#ination tat it is foolis and !ointless to carry tem out% Te feminine faculty of antici!atin# or in"entin# $at can and $ill a!!en is acute( and almost un&no$n to men% A $oman &no$s all about a crime se may !ossibly commit% Maintained( if I may so e-!ress it( in a !latonic state( amorous 6ealousy stimulates our #ift of di"ination( strains all te senses( reinforces self*command% But $at $oman as not been disa!!ointed in er crime( once se as committed it and te murdered lo"er lies tere at er feet2 )It $as finer( te $ay I !lanned it% Is blood on te ru# al$ays dull and blac& li&e tis2 And tat stran#e loo& of discontent( tat disa!!ro"in# slee! on a face( is it deat( really deat2)
9e !referred er dreadful crime $en se $as carryin# it $itin er( ea"y and "ibrant( finised in e"ery detail and ready to brea& out into te $orld( li&e a cild in te last ours of #estation% )But it didn0t need to a"e all tis reality% % % Reality ma&es it seem so old( so common!lace and borin#% But no$ ere it is( te our of my #reatest torment( te our $en I or#ani+e eac day a ne$ settin# for my #reat torment( for te u!s and do$ns tat I ad not yet ima#ined( a catastro!e( a miracle% I did not $ant to e-can#e my #reat torment e-ce!t for !eace 'if I a"e been mista&en( $at $ill become of me2) 9e !ercei"es tat murder is al$ays a fool0s bar#ain% But se acce!ts it $it difficulty( stubbornly se re#ards as an end $at is only a be#innin#% Hence se must #o on umiliatin# erself until se reali+es tere are only t$o &inds of uman bein#s1 tose $o a"e &illed and tose $o a"e not &illed% I a"e ad occasion to descend to te "ery de!ts of 6ealousy( a"e settled into it and tou#t about it at #reat len#t% It is not an unendurable so6ourn( altou# in my $ritin#s in by#one days I belie"e I com!ared it( as e"eryone does( to a so6ourn in ell( and I trust tat te $ord $ill be !ut do$n to my !oetic e-a##eration% Rater( I $ould say( it is a &ind of #ymnast0s !ur#atory( $ere te senses are trained( one by one( and it as te #loom of all trainin# centers% f course( I am tal&in# about moti"ated( a"o$able 6ealousy( and not about an obsession% Te sense of earin# becomes refined( one ac3uires "isual "irtuosity( a ra!id and used ste!( a sense of smell tat can ca!ture te !articles de!osited in te atmos!ere by a ead of air( a scented !o$der( te !assa#e of a bra+enly a!!y !erson'all tis stron#ly recalls te field e-ercises of te soldier or te y!ersensiti"e s&ill of !oacers% A body absolutely on te alert becomes $ei#tless( mo"es $it somnambulistic ease( rarely colla!ses and falls% I $ould #o so far as to affirm tat it is so !rotected by its state of trance tat it esca!es te ordinary e!idemics( !ro"ided( naturally( tat one res!ects te ri#id and s!ecial y#iene of te 6ealous !erson( eatin# enou# and disdainin# dru#s% All te rest is( accordin# to one0s caracter( as borin# as any solitary s!ort( as immoral as a #ame of cance% All te rest is a series of $a#ers lost or $on( es!ecially $on% ),at did I tell you2 I told you He $as meetin# er e"ery day at te same teaso!% I $as sure of it5) All te rest is com!etition1 in beauty( in ealt( in obstinacy( in salacity( e"en% All te rest is o!e% % % Jealousy e"en tri"es on omicidal desires% Ine"itably% Cec&ed( ten released briefly li&e an elastic band( it almost as te "irtues of an e-ercisin# a!!aratus% Fea"in# aside te ours dar&ened by sensual desires( $en one is al$ays ready to sout )9to! tief5) and to !ose as bein# mistreated and
star"ed for lo"e( I deny tat te !an#s of 6ealousy &ee! us from li"in#( $or&in#( e"en bea"in# li&e res!ectable !eo!le% Ho$e"er( I see I a"e 6ust em!loyed( carelessly( te e-!ression )to descend into te de!ts of 6ealousy%) Jealousy is not at all lo$( but it catces us umbled and bo$ed do$n( at first si#t% :or it is te only sufferin# tat $e endure $itout e"er becomin# used to it% I am callin# u!on my memories ere( my most faitful memories( tat is to say( tose tat do not demand te el! of su!erfluous accessories suc as a ni#t of $ind( a mossy stone benc( te bar&in# of a do# in te distance( arabes3ues of li#t and sado$ on a $all or on a dress% Jealousy( by its tinctorial !o$er( instills a stron# and definiti"e color to e"erytin# it encounters% If I $is( for e-am!le( to resuscitate a carnal moment')tus I $as caressed( tus I caressed( yes( tus( tus% % %)'an ironical mist ides and deforms $at a!!ened( $at is no lon#er timely% But let a certain !ase of te moon ta&e( at my order( its customary !lace in te s&y( and simultaneously let a certain decayin# elbo$*rest at a $indo$ s!linter beneat my fin#ernail( as it did tirty years a#o( and te t$o com!ose an escutceon of 6ealousy( and I see( on a field "ert( te #reen of fine( stiff $oodland #rass !iercin# te dead lea"es $it its lances and brandisin# tem in te air% flat Moon( round( ten $anin# and less round( $orm*eaten old $ood( "arious oter alle#ories( are you all tat remains to me of a !ossession otly and "ainly dis!uted2 No( I no$ a"e te ability to tin& about 6ealousy $itout e-!eriencin# burnin# trans!orts( and can ear te eco of a name as if it $ere merely te distant and musical drone of an enormous s$arm of bees% Tat is $at constitutes one of te by no means ne#ati"e recom!enses( considerable( tou# "a#ue( li&e one of tose di!lomas in $ic te $ole !lace of onor on a !arcment is filled $it te $ord DIPFMA% ,o $ould tin& of tryin# to deci!er te fine and com!licated calli#ra!y belo$ tat $ord( faded and dim in te #loom of a !arlor2 Fi&e e"eryone( I a"e $anted deat and a little more to claim a $oman( t$o $omen( tree $omen% % % I am tal&in# no$ about tose acts of sym!atetic ma#ic $ic do not seriously arm anyone( not e"en te one $o casts te s!ells( !ro"ided te !eo!le concerned are stron# and earty% Tey $ill #et off $it a confused and transient uneasiness( a feelin# of lan#uor( a fe$ sli#t soc&s suc as mi#t be caused by a fin#er laid on one0s soulder% But tese are te messa#es tat are sent by lo"e as $ell as by ate( so I cannot #uarantee teir com!lete armlessness%
Durin# a rater burnin# season of 6ealousy( I myself ran some ris&s% A ri"al of mine( "ery insecure in er a!!iness( tou#t of me stron#ly( and stron#ly I tou#t of er% But I made te mista&e of lettin# myself #o bac& to my $ritin#( $ic demanded my attention( and to abandon my oter tas& of anta#onism( of daily and secret defiance% In sort( I !ost!oned my curses durin# tree or four monts( $ile Madame L continued ers( de"otin# er lon# ours of leisure to tis% And I soon became a$are of te results of suc ine3uality% I be#an by fallin# into a ditc in te Place du Trocadro( ten I cau#t broncitis% Ten( in te Metro( on my $ay to te !ubliser( I lost te last !art of a manuscri!t of $ic I ad not &e!t a du!licate% A ta-i dri"er sort*can#ed me( lea"in# me on a rainy ni#t $itout a sou% Ten a mysterious e!idemic bore off tree of my An#ora &ittens% % % To !ut an end to te series of misfortunes( I ad only to arouse myself from an ine-cusable ne#li#ence and to return once more to an e"en e-can#e of mental tra6ectories $it Madame L% And $e li"ed on mutually bad terms until te bond bet$een us $as $orn out and s!ace ceased to be a !at$ay of $ic&ed beams of tou#t( a ar! of resonant $a"es( a starry eter un# $it si#ns and !ortents% I $as not te only one to re#ret it( for $e ad 3uarreled $itout feelin# any fundamental anti!aty% Time recom!enses onorable ad"ersaries% Mine( as soon as se sto!!ed bein# an ad"ersary( ad some deli#tful anecdotes to tell $ic could amuse only oursel"es% )ne day $en I $as #oin# to Rambouillet to murder you% % %) Te rest of tis story $as a #ay "aude"ille( an in"ol"ed tale of a missed train( a stalled car( a #old*mes andba# tat burst o!en at te bottom( s!illin# out an indiscreet re"ol"er u!on te Rambouillet !a"ement( of ino!!ortune encounters( of a friend $o read in te !eri$in&le blue eyes of Madame L a omicidal intent and by some fond di!lomacy di"erted er from it% % % )My dear() se e-claimed( )6ust count all tese little a!!enin#s $ic raised cance obstructions bet$een you and me in te to$n of Rambouillet5 Can you deny tat tey $ere !ro"idential2) );od forbid5 Tere is one( es!ecially( tat I $ould ate to for#et%) ),ic one2) )4ou see( I $asn0t in Rambouillet at te time% I didn0t set foot tere tat year%) )4ou $eren0t in Rambouillet2)
)I $as not in Rambouillet%) ),ell5 Tat is te absolute limit5) Tis limit re"i"ed( for some un&no$n reason( a little of te former resentment in te !eri$in&le eyes tat 3uestioned mine% But it $as only a fleetin# #leam% In "ain $e tried'in "ain $e still try'to u!set eac oter by "iolent ar#uments( a tone of defiance 3uite out of &ee!in# $it our calm remar&s1 $e soon reco"er our cordial relations% Te !o$erful bond tat $as our youtful and mutual atred can no lon#er unite us% ,it tat beautiful blue*eyed $oman( $ose li#t cestnut air $as e-actly te sade of mine'and $it suc and suc anoter and still anoter $oman'I a"e ceased to e-can#e( sall ne"er more e-can#e because of a man and trou# a man tat menacin# tou#t( tose reflections from mirror to mirror( tat tireless emanation $ic $ron#ed te lo"er imself% % % ),at are you tin&in# about2) e as&ed tem% Tey $ere tin&in# about me% )But $ere are you( !lease2) e as&ed me $en e sa$ I $as not listenin# to im% )In te moon2) I $as in s!irit close to some $oman( my in"isible !resence $as u!settin# er% ,e lac&ed notin#( tose $omen and I1 $e ad e"ery &ind of trouble% Half$ay bet$een tem and me( in an immuni+ed +one( )He) lorded it( not as um!ire but rater as te !ri+e o"er $ic $e fou#t% )Tey)'te men'are not fond of suc subtle #ames and dread te fury of t$o females loc&ed in combat% But a contest( e"en a terrible one( demands sometin# more tan !assion% It demands s!ortsmanli&e 3ualities and an e3uable tem!er e"en in te "ery midst of ferocious feelin#s% I do not a"e one 6ot of te s!ortin# s!irit( and terefore I indul#ed in fantasy( dealt blo$s belo$ te belt tat must be counted as foul or as failin# to obey te rules of a #ame% I committed only one real fault( but I re!eated it and $as duly !unised% ,ic $as only 6ust% An old sayin# $arns us ne"er to #i"e eiter a boat or a bird% I $ould add1 or a man% To be#in $it( because a man ne"er'e"en $en e s$ears it on our ead or on te Holy Boo&'a man ne"er belon#s to us% And if by cance e lets imself be treated as our !ro!erty( e"en #ladly( e is so constituted tat e $ould ne"er for#i"e us for it% And since e rarely for#i"es te a!!y beneficiary( once a#ain renouncement $ill a"e s!oiled e"erytin#% If you succeed( as I did( in sublimatin# te se-ual dri"e and !uttin# it in te ser"ice of ea"en &no$s $at mortifyin# 6oy or e#alitarian madness( you $ill see te furious flo$er of 6ealousy stri!!ed of its torns( alon# $it te condi#n e#otism of te uman cou!le%
,at $ould a fater confessor tin& of tese a#reed*to abdications( te andin#*o"er of te ri#ts of te bed2 I am sure of is res!onse( I $o a"e ne"er ad an autori+ed confidant% He $ould tin&( as I do( tat tere is sometin# about certain con6u#al !ermissi"eness tat reminds one of te stuffiness of a closed room( and tat te calm surface of tese s!urious families of doubtful res!ectability is $orse tan e3ui"ocal% Can one e-ist on lu&e$armness2 No better tan one can li"e on "ice'$ic( incidentally( stands to lose notin# in suc con6u#al arran#ements% ,at a lot of time $asted in absolutions5 Te most imbecile of all is tat $ic literature as sanctified as )te eternal trian#le%) Its soc&in# "ariations( its acrobatic as!ects of uman !yramid "ery 3uic&ly discoura#ed te esitatin# !oly#amous societies% ,at $oman( no matter o$ foolis and unsettled( could be made to belie"e tat one !lus one e3uals tree2 9!ea&in# as an onloo&er( a cool*eaded $oman I &no$( uncon"entional but not $itout lucidity( assured me tat in an eternal trian#le tere is al$ays one !erson $o is betrayed( and often t$o% I li&e to tin& tat te one most constantly betrayed is te !atriarc in camera, te clandestine Mormon% He $ell deser"es it( in is traditional role of a%ent provocateur, and as a small* scale !asa% His snare( a crude one( since it is notin# but se-ual satisfaction( is set a#ainst im( if one of te t$o $omen e brin#s to#eter im!ro!erly as some stren#t of caracter and $itolds erself for te benefit of te $ea&er $oman( $itdra$in# from te arran#ement tat as set tem face to face( or( to !ut it more coarsely( mout to mout% Te $ea& one normally yields( seds er "eil( demands a tender relationsi! $it te oter $oman and #i"es er un3uestionin# de"otion% )Trust me utterly( since I no$ a"e notin# to ide from you( I feel !ure( I am your ally and no lon#er your "ictim%) ,omen !air off li&e tis oftener tan one mi#t tin&% But a"in# entered tis state by a narro$ tunnel( tey !refer and are entitled to &ee! teir union secret% Not lon# a#o( one $oman of suc a !air died( and er friend 3uite literally san& into a decline% 9e did not ma&e aste( se did not $oo deat( nor did se see& $at se could ne"er a#ain !ossess( $at se ad ne"er o!ed for( $at se e-!lained so confusedly1 )No( se $as not li&e a dau#ter to me( for I doubt tat #enuine maternal feelin# e"er rids itself( e"en momentarily( of all ostile feelin#% No( se $as not li&e a lo"er to me( for I for#ot tat se $as beautiful( tat $e ad come to#eter in des!ite of a man( in te dee! and #ro$in# indifference $e felt to$ard tat
