A Geek's Guide To ____________________________________________________________________
GET LAID!
____________________________________________________________________
Have Sex Even If You're Fat, Ugly Or Worse!
DAVE BRINER Geek Guide Books, LLC http://www.geekguidebooks.com
CHAPTER TWO
When In Doubt, Whip It Out! phal·lus (fāl'əs) noun. Anatomy. The sexually undifferentiated tissue in an embryo that becomes the penis or clitoris. The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004.
What would a book like this be, without an entire chapter about genitals and masturbation? It would be like Arthur without Merlin, Han Solo without Chewbacca, Buffy without Angel, Kirk without Spock, Admiral Adama without Colonel Tigh, The Doctor without a companion, Dr. Sam Beckett without Al and Ziggy and...well...you get the idea, right? Men spend an almost unhealthy amount of time, some starting at a very young age, obsessing about the length and girth of the dangling cone of flesh between their legs. Some women also seem to be overly concerned about the size of the folds, color of the skin and depth of their fleshy crevice. When you add breast size issues to the mix- things get even more disturbing! I want to make a very distinct point about your penis or vagina right here at the beginning of this chapter. You need to pay very close attention to this. Are you ready? You had absolutely NO control over how your genitals turned out...Nadda, Zilch, Zip, Pagh (yes- I included Klingon)! Biology and Anatomy Geeks know that every single aspect of the shape, size and other features were predetermined by the genetic mashup that occurred because your dad didn't wear a condom or, if you prefer a more technical description, at the time you were conceived. 31
Blame your parents, Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, Great-Great-Grandparents...but don't think, not even for a nanosecond, that you had anything to do with it! Until Doctors master their skills at DNA manipulation and genetic engineering (and the science is accepted by society and allowed by the powers that be), you can't change what traits you pass along to your children or your children pass on to your Grandchildren. As you grew inside your mother's womb, some of the cells formed what is known as the phallus. Then following the directions provided by your unique DNA code, that mass of tissue formed either a clitoris, a penis or in some very rare cases- both (human hermaphrodites are definitely an interesting phenomenon). Research has shown very little change occurs to the genital areas from the time of your birth until you reach puberty. Once puberty starts, specifically for males, it takes about 5 to 6 years for the penis to reach its final size. The next few sections of this chapter deal primarily with penis size and penis measuring, penis enlargements, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and other random penile information. I will not, however, discuss 'penis envy' in this book because there is far too much conflicting research about this subject. Personally, I think the only thing any Geek without a penis would be envious of is- maybe- not having the ability to piss standing up (admittedly, it does save some time). But with innovative products created for women, like the 12-inch GOLDEN SHENIS (http://www.shenis.com) and other similar products available to purchase online, I don't think that's a valid issue anymore. So, if you're a Geek who doesn't have a penis or you don't care to read about the psychological and physiological penis issues some men face, feel free to skip to the vagina or masturbation sections of this chapter.
32
How's It Hanging? So what's a normal penis size? There are a lot of myths surrounding this subject and a frighteningly large amount of completely false information on the internet. You'd think that most of the adult men on this planet are walking around with below average penises in their pants if you looked at the number of PENIS ENLARGEMENT messages received in our email on a daily basis (these messages are automatically sent to my Spam folder). But that's just not the case. In a review, printed in the British Journal of Urology, Dr. Kevan Wylie and Dr. Ian Eardley compiled data from 50 different studies on penis size dating back to the early 1940's to now. That's over 60 years of detailed scientific data. Their review of the data shows the average male penis is roughly 5.5-6.2 inches long and 4.7-5.1 inches in circumference when completely erect. That's it! To put that in perspective, we're only talking 1-2 inches longer than an iPhone (it's 4.5 inches) and about the same length as your Nintendo Wii controller (roughly 5.83 inches)!
My 'By The Book' Method... OK guys, here's an easy way to literally use this book to see if you measure up. I want you to go the bathroom or your bedroom right now (don't forget to take the book with you) and drop your pants. Now, get your penis hard and put it next to this book, placing part of the spine up against your lower abdomen. If the tip of your penis is close to the end or goes past the end of the bookCONGRATULATIONS! You have an average sized penis (this book is 6 inches wide). If your penis is close to the end or goes over the edge of the book when you turn the book the other way (top to bottom)- buy yourself a T-shirt that says I'M PACKING, because you're well above average (this book is 9 inches tall)! Just please do me a favor and wipe down the book (or your iPhone or Wii controller) 33
when you're done with this measurement experiment. I remember when the movie Watchmen came out, a ton of Fan Boys freaked out and posted multi-page complaints online about Dr. Manhattan's penis. I was amazed and appalled at these rants. The films producers used the body of a model/actor named Greg Plitt, digitally inserted Billy Crudup's head on the body and showed this big digital blue penis in several scenes. But I'd be willing to bet, those same guys who complained about the penis shots being in the movie (and sadly showed the world their homophobic tendencies), paused their DVD or Blu-Ray to do mental calculations measuring their penis size compared to that of Dr. Manhattan. I, like so many other guys (whether you're man enough to admit it or not), constantly worried about my penis size. As you grow up, it's tough to find a way to comparewithout creating a really awkward situation. If you watched porn videos- you'd definitely think you were are packing a tiny weenie since the producers/directors of those movies tend to pick the really BIG boys for their projects! In gym class the only guys who you'd see walking around the locker room, without a towel, were the ones who won the genetic lottery and ended up with a third leg. Of course, who could blame them? If I had a massive penis- I'd want to show it off too! In a weird way though, I have to say I also won the genetic lottery. Maybe not the Mega-Powerball Jackpot, so to speak, instead- more like one of those $20 scratch-off games. What do I mean? Well, my dad has a really small penis. The only reason I can say this with absolute certainty, is because I had the misfortune of seeing it when I accidentally caught him jerking off during a road trip one summer (I'm still disturbed by this memory). It was a horrible experience and I'm not going to scar you with the details of this particular story. But I will admit, I'm surprised I didn't get ulcers from worrying about whether I was going to end up with a super small penis like 34
him. Somehow I lucked out and ended up with a slightly above average penis. Whew... Even though my penis is technically above average (and yes I've measured), it still looks small. My penis looks small in relation to the size of my body because I am a FAT guy. Proportionately, I would need to have a 12-14 inch penis for it to look average with my body. If I was actually packing that in my pants, I would have probably been known as “Donkey Dong Dave” or something in High School! Also, because of the amount of fat accumulated at the base of my penis (close to the same area where some women get what they call their 'fat pooch'), it tends to look smaller because part of it is hidden beneath the surface. And if my penis is completely flaccid, it appears to be nearly nonexistent because of all the fat! However, in either instance, if you push the 'pooch' area back or lay down- all is revealed. The reality is, many men with normal size penises, believe they have a small penis. This is more commonly known as SPS, or Small Penis Syndrome, and is also sometimes referred to as “Locker Room Syndrome”. Even with the knowledge of what an average penis size is, guys just can't quite seem to judge their own size correctly. Some researchers believe this is because of the perspective men have when looking down on their penis or into a mirror. The distance between your eyes and your penis (or the mirror) can play tricks on your mind and make it appear smaller than it actually is (kind of like when you look out the window of a plane and see the tiny houses, buildings, cars and roads below). Since most guys don't have a ruler tattooed on their penis (although I have seen pics of someone who did), through our own eyes it doesn't ever seem to be big enough. Here are a few penis size facts I thought you might find interesting- just consider them a bonus. In 2010, a 35
company who sells condoms and safe-sex products called Condomania (http://www.condomania.com) conducted some research using their client database to come up with a list of states and cities in the United States with the biggest and smallest penises. The five states listed as having the smallest junk (at least from the sample of their customers) were Wyoming, Utah, Iowa, Alaska and West Virginia. The five states listed as having the largest junk were New Hampshire, Oregon, New York, Indiana and Arizona. Their data showed that the US cities with the largest penis size were New Orleans, Washington, D.C., San Diego, New York City and Phoenix. Condomania.com's research also claimed that 25% of men are shorter than five inches, 25% are longer than six inches and 50% are between five and six inches. Of the 25% who had penises longer than six inches, the largest guys were more than ten inches in length. Of the 25% who had penises shorter than five inches, the smallest guys were packing less than three inches. Who's got the biggest dick of them all? A really nice guy (who I've actually interviewed on my Radio show) named Jonah Falcon is recognized as having the world's longest penis (you may have seen a story about him on The Daily Show). It's been measured at 13.5 inches flaccid and he says when it's fully erect he literally gets lightheaded from a lack of blood to his brain. For some reason John refuses to make money in porn (although he wants to be a 'regular' actor) and lives with his mom. What a waste!
Cheating The Penis Fairy... I'm not going to spend a lot of time talking about Penis Enlargements, but it does need to be mentioned. Chances are, after measuring your penis using my “By The Book” method (or your iPhone or Wii remote), you've hopefully learned you have a normal size penis. But for those who are still worried about the size, and feel like all
36
you got were the leftovers from the 'Penis Fairy', there are a few options (which all sound extremely painful in my opinion). Medical procedures include cutting ligaments in the penis to make it hang lower (usually by only one-two inches max), injecting fat to temporarily increase size and even cutting your penis in half and inserting something to force it to stretch out even more (are you in pain yet?). There's also a new procedure that uses a product called AlloDerm. AlloDerm is made from donated skin tissue (primarily from human cadavers...aka...dead bodies) and creates regenerative tissue. Doctors will place sheets of this stuff under the skin to give you a wider penis (I see dead people on your penis). One place well-known for this last procedure is Beverly Hills Surgical Specialists (http://www.beverlyhillssurgical.com). However, most Doctors are still not convinced these Penis Enlargement surgeries are really effective or even worth the possible side effects. Personally, I think I'd rather have an Alien pop out of my abdomen than go through any of those procedures! Other non-medical treatments that have been used for centuries include tying a rope to your penis with weights on the end to stretch it, letting snakes bite it and other things that would make even the most pain tolerant person cringe. Of course, there are also penis pumps, creams and other remedies offered by what I believe are nothing more than 21st Century snake-oil salespeople. But the possible dangers and physical effects some of these options create make them unreliable and really should scare the shit out of you! Most researchers believe both the medical and nonmedical penis enlargement options actually provide what is more commonly known as a psychological “placebo effect” rather than actual long-term physical improvements to the size of your penis. So if you choose to move forward with any of the above mentioned options, be sure to seek out 37
competent medical advice and I also encourage you to proceed with extreme caution!
PE & ED... Nothing will make most guys uncomfortably shift in their chairs faster than bringing up either Premature Ejaculation or Erectile Dysfunction. Both of these conditions effect millions of men and if you suffer from either of them, you really should seek medical advice. So what is Premature Ejaculation? Is it when you cum during foreplay (I think of Jim in American Pie), if a guy cums before his partner (isn't that almost always?) or is it when a guy ejaculates within the first couple of minutes of Sex? It's hard to say what is or isn't PE since there's no universally accepted definition, but if a lack of stamina is effecting your Sex life, then there's a good chance something needs to be done about it. The good news is- it's not your fault! A study printed in the “Journal of Sexual Medicine” found that you can blame your dad! Well, actually what it said was that Premature Ejaculation may be a genetic issue (passed down from father to son) related to a variation in a gene that controls the release of dopamine in your brain. Men with this specific genetic abnormality were more likely to ejaculate faster than men without it (seriouslywhy couldn't this gene give you telepathic powers or let you control time instead?). Every year men buy millions of dollars worth of those desensitizing creams, sprays, natural enhancements and other products they see online, on TV or hear about on the Radio to try to keep from cumming too fast. They buy all these products despite the fact study after study proves that none of that crap works. But there is one option out there that has been proven to actually work!
38
A drug designed to help guys with PE has been available in Finland, Sweden, Austria, Portugal and Germany for a while now. The same drug was first released in the U.K. in 2010 by Janssen Pharmaceutica. The drug is called PRILIGY (http://www.janssen-cilag.com). But of course, it's not currently available in the U.S. The Food and Drug Administration has rejected the drug because they say it raises your serotonin levels too quickly and acts as a brief anti-depressant which is bad for your body in short concentrated bursts. The drug maker claims it's safe and simply helps men have more control over their ejaculations when taken one to three hours before Sexual activity. But PRILIGY is really expensive- it costs $42 per pill (who says money doesn't buy happiness)! Thanks to a ton of research, we know a lot about Erectile Dysfunction. The known causes range from smoking, obesity, diabetes, alcoholism, stress, lack of physical exercise and surgery complications to nerve damage, high blood pressure drugs, anti-depressants, psychological problems and even low levels of testosterone. ED is easily treatable in a lot of cases. It is treated with certain lifestyle changes (losing weight, eliminating stress, etc.), the use of certain kinds of penis pumps, surgery (where they insert special rods into the penis) and some very well-known drugs like Levitra, Cialis or Viagra (way too many joke opportunities here).
Pussy Patrol... While it's true that guys are always worried about the size of their package and how good they are in bed, it's equally true that women are just as paranoid and concerned about certain aspects of their vagina. I've talked to women who were worried that, because of all the men they'd slept with, their vagina was worn out, too loose or
39
too deep. I try hard not to laugh when I hear this, but I can see their point. The reality of the vagina is, just like with a penis, no two are the same. Some are wider than others, some are deeper than others, some are more sensitive and some are really strong. I say 'strong' because the vagina is, in its simplest form, just a muscular canal. Internally, an average vagina is roughly 3 inches wide and 3.5 inches deep from the front opening to the rear of the canal where the cervix is located. However, the vagina is very elastic and, when aroused, can stretch to twice it's normal size to accommodate for a penis or to prepare for childbirth (sorry- I haven't come up with any cool measurement technique like I did with my “By The Book” method for guys to see if your vagina is average or not yet...but I'll keep working on it). On the outside of the vagina there are a few folds of skin. First is the Labia Majora, this is the largest fold which is usually closed to protect the more sensitive interior. Next (from the top to bottom) is the clitoral hood (a protective flap of skin), the clitoris itself, the urethral opening (where the urine comes out), the Labia Minora (which is basically a second skin fold of protection) and finally the main vaginal opening. Many women are unhappy with the appearance of the skin folds and the coloration of the vaginal opening. They elect to have surgery to make it look better. The two most popular forms of surgery are Labiaplasty (to get rid of a large or irregularly shaped Labia caused by childbirth or other medical issue) and Vaginoplasty (which tightens the muscles, skin and tissue around the vagina). I'm not really sure what these women think this area is 'supposed' to look like, but they are willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars to fix it. Personally, as long as it doesn't have sharp teeth or an Exogorth living inside it- I don't care what a woman's vagina looks like. Since I'm a bit of an aficionado when it comes to fingering women, my chubby digits have explored a variety of 40
wonderfully diverse vaginal canals. A few of them I could easily put three fingers in side-by-side with room to spare. Most were only wide enough to take two fingers at a time. The rest could barely handle just one of my fingers at a time because they were so tight, even when fully aroused. The dimensions had absolutely nothing to do with the body type of the women either. They were all different and unique from the inside out. Something I'd like you to keep in mind if you're trying to compare your vagina to the ones you see online, in magazines or in other types of porn- many of the images you see have been altered to be more appealing. Don't think your vagina has to have the exact same look as the pictures you see. It seems like as most men are doing whatever they can to lose their virginity, many women are doing whatever they can to try to get theirs back. The BBC ran a story recently about the growing popularity of Hymenoplasty surgeries. Women are paying $2,500 or more to have surgeons reattach their hymen- you know, that thin tissue Sexual barrier women have until they have Sex or get into serious masturbation. Some prostitutes and escorts have these procedures done two or three times a year so they can “sell” the opportunity to take their virginity to the highest bidder and make a ton of cash.
Titillating Twins Here's where we get the opportunity to talk about breasts and breast size! I am a big fan of boobs...all shapes and sizes. For a long time I had a bit of an obsession with seeing as many of them as possible (which is probably why I worked as a DJ in a strip club for a while). Although many women are worried about the appearance and dimensions of their vagina, even more women are concerned about the size of their breasts. But just like with the size of a man's penis, the size of your breasts are 41
determined by a unique set of genetic circumstances. However, you actually have some control over how big or small they end up (as long as you're willing to do some elective surgery). Breasts that are too big or too small can cause women to have serious self-esteem issues or even health problems. Because of the extra weight women with extremely large breasts carry around, it can cause them to suffer from neck, shoulder and back problems. Through puberty and adolescence, these women also have to deal with the staring, pointing and other negative social interactions associated with having large boobs. Women with small breasts can also suffer from inferiority issues when they compare themselves to their peers. Some women handle these types of issues better than others. Some people like large breasts and some people like smaller ones. It's just a personal preference, like whether you prefer graphic novels over traditional comic books. As I've already mentioned, I pretty much like them all- real or fake. I've been with a woman with Double G's (these things were bigger than my head), a woman with barely an A cup (I have bigger boobs than she does- gotta love man boobs) and just about every size in between. The woman with the massive breasts ended up having reduction surgery a few years ago because of severe back problems. The woman with the A cup has never had any interest in getting a boob job, she says she's perfectly happy with what she's got. If you're happy with what you've got- great! If you want bigger boobs- look into a breast augmentation. If you want smaller breasts- there's always the option of a reduction. But please, don't let your boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, partner, friends or other people convince you to make changes to your body if you don't want to. It's all about whether you're happy with what you see in the mirror every morning. If they're hounding you to make changestell them to do it to their own body and leave you alone! I'm not picky. I'm happy to stare at, touch, fondle, lick or 42
suck on any size boobs if their owner is willing to let me.
Mastering Masturbation... How often do you masturbate? No, really? Whether you play with your lightsaber or double-click your mouse once a month or ten times a day, you're perfectly normal! Masturbation is a natural and healthy form of Sexual expression. A national study showed that roughly 95% of men and about 90% of women have masturbated. For many people, the first time they have an orgasm is through masturbation. Since there is no 'right' or 'normal' number of times to do it, I say do it as often as you want! Masturbation can be a bit of a paradox though. It's good because it helps you learn about your body, how you like to be touched, where you like to be touched and, therefore, can help make your Sex life better. However, if you become too obsessed with masturbating, you can actually lose interest in having Sex with a real-life partner. And if you do it too often, it can cause you to need extreme amounts of pressure and friction to reach climax. This makes it difficult for another person to successfully give you an orgasm and can cause other Sexual dysfunction issues too. Another good thing about masturbation is that, for the most part, it's safe. You can't get an STD or get someone pregnant from masturbating. But- it's still not 100% safe. It can irritate your most sensitive skin areas, screw up your urethra so it's hard or painful to urinate and, if guys are too rough when they do it, it can literally fracture the cartilage in the penis!
It Just Went Off In My Hand... I recall thinking I broke my penis the first time I masturbated. I don't remember how old I was, but it freaked 43
me out so much I thought the cum that came out was actually blood. It was dark and I was lying in my bed playing with myself, and quickly stroking it, when it just exploded in my hand. I was so worried that I had ruined my sheets and that I would have to explain to my parents why there was blood everywhere. When I turned the lights on and didn't see any blood on my hand, my clothes or my sheets, I was really confused. I guess I was pretty rough on myself that night- my penis was bruised for a couple of days afterward.
The Toys You Really Love... Sex toys have been around a long time. I mean, after a while using your own hand gets a little, well, boring. In 2010 researchers from the University of Tubingen in Germany found an ancient piece of stone, about eight inches long, in a cave that was polished smooth with a ring etched around the top. They claim this is a 28,000-yearold dildo. The classic toys are still around, but we've made some significant technological advances in the last fifty or so years. Today, women can choose from simple bullet-egg vibrators, pocket rockets, mini vibrators (to keep in their purse and use when they're stressed), those creepy looking wand massagers, traditional, realistic, long, short, wide, anal vibrators, vibrators designed specifically to target your G-spot or clitoris, the extremely popular 'rabbit' vibrators and even DIY vibrator kits for all the horny Geeks out there who like to build things with their hands! These things can plug into the wall, run on battery-power or even solar power if you want (for the environmentally-conscious horndog), they'll work underwater, move in three different directions at once or have two ends for you and a partner. Men aren't just stuck with five-fingered Rosie either! There are an amazing number of pocket pussies, girlfriend grippers, vibrating vaginas, tube strokers, pumps, Sex dolls, celebrity molds, strap-ons and other options 44
available. These things are designed so you can just lay back and enjoy the experience without too much work on your part. You can even get some models with wireless remotes (we all know how guys love to have control of the remote). In Dallas, there are a ton of Adult Novelty and Adult Toy shops to choose from. But I understand these stores are actually illegal in some parts of the U.S. (this is the 21st Century, right?) Don't let that stop you from enjoying some squishy, plastic robotic love! You can order all the hedonistic toys you want from websites like: Adam & Eve http://www.adameve.com The Pleasure Chest http://www.thepleasurechest.com Christie's Toy Box http://www.christiestoybox.com Xandria http://www.xandria.com Eden Fantasys http://www.edenfantasys.com And if you're ever in Dallas, I highly recommend you visit: New Fine Arts http://www.sexysite.com Condoms To Go http://www.condomstogousa.com Sara's Secret http://www.sarassecret.com 45
A Little Inspiration... As fun as all the Sex toys and gadgets are to play with, sometimes they're just not enough. Sometimes you need inspiration. You have to think of someone in your life (or a celebrity) or a certain fantasy scenario to help you get your release. There's nothing wrong with that. I have several women in my 'spank bank' to use when I need them (most of them are celebrities). My list includes- Amanda Tapping (Stargate SG-1, Sanctuary), Pauley Perrette (NCIS), Paget Brewster (Criminal Minds), Beth Riesgraf (Leverage), Katee Sackhoff (BSG), Tricia Helfer (BSG), Karen Gillan (Doctor Who), Allison Scagliotti (Warehouse 13) and Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer). So who's on your list? Looking at nudie magazines and porn are also an option, but be careful managing your expectations in real life when you use this option. It's easy to get lost in the fantasy and lose your ability to maintain interpersonal relationships when you become obsessed with it. Porn is helpful when you have certain activities you know you enjoy watchingsuch as blowjobs, anal Sex, group Sex, girl-on-girl Sex, guyon-guy Sex, bondage Sex or a specific fetish. Although I'm not a big fan of porn now, in college I had a small collection of Playboy magazines and a very unique collection of videos. There was a series of porn 'blooper' videos that I just couldn't get enough of. These videos showed some of the behind-the-scene goofs and mistakes during filming...and they were hilarious! Camera guys getting too close and getting the lens stuck in certain orifices, cum shots hitting the camera, lactating women squirting milk before the director was ready for the shot, actors falling down, actors or actresses losing control, dogs investigating the filming areas, fluffers trying to talk on the phone while working and a bunch of other jacked up shit. It was while I was watching these videos that I accidentally came across another fun trick to do with porn...something I 46
call the 'cum vacuum' (it's probably not what you think). Here's what you do- forward to the point right after a guy cums on camera and pause it. Now, hit the back button (so it's going backward slowly at about 1/16 or ¼ regular speed). You'll notice that it looks like the dude's dick is sucking up all the cum like a vacuum! I don't know why I found that so funny, but it still makes me laugh. I happily shared my video porn collection with my Fraternity brothers and other friends if they asked. My only rule was that they had to wipe the tape down (in front of me) before they gave it back, so I knew it didn't have any of their bodily fluids still stuck to the tape. In fact, one of the funniest masturbation stories I tell has to do with one of my porn tapes and a Fraternity brother of mine.
No Privacy... I was living in a house with six of my Fraternity brothers. It was a big house and we had several rooms in this house that were used for specific purposes- the fuck room, TV/video game room, drinking room, music room, etc. The reason we had specific rooms is because many of the bedrooms were connected to each other, so you had to walk through one bedroom to get to another (mine was like this). This made it difficult to have Sex in your room without the threat of someone walking in and interrupting you. Also, we were all sharing the master bathroom, which you could only get to through my bedroom and through the master bedroom, located at the back of the house. The other bathroom in the house had been completely demolished during a party and we didn't want to tell the landlord and get kicked out. One of my brothers, John, decided that he was going to watch one of my porn videos and have a little private whack time. I gave him the tape and didn't think anything of it. A bunch of the other guys in the house were hanging out in the music room drinking beer and I decided to join them. After a few beers I 47
really needed to piss. So I left the music room and headed toward the back of the house. I walked past the TV/video game room and noticed the door was shut. I assumed John was in there handling his business. I walked through my room to the master bedroom and opened the door. What happened next seemed to happen in extreme slow motion. As the door swung open, the first thing I saw was John up on the bed, standing at the very edge of it facing the TV in the corner. He was standing there like he was straddling a horse between his legs in some kind of riding position. He was holding a bedpost with his right hand and was pounding his cock with the other. The porn he had borrowed was playing on the TV- I recognized it immediately from the two girls on the screen and the music playing in the background. His head slowly lifted, turned toward me and then this look of extreme horror formed on his flushed face. He let go of the bedpost (but for some reason kept holding his dick with the other hand) and leaped off the bed. Thanks to what I assume was a huge jolt of adrenaline, he managed to jump at least 10 feet and land right behind the bedroom door. I didn't move, I was still in shock from the scene I just witnessed. At this point John just started screaming at me about having “no privacy” in the house, that all he wanted was some “fucking privacy” and tried to slam the door in my face. I stepped back and let the door close. I stood there staring at the door, John was still screaming about having “no privacy” and that I was a “fucking asshole”. At this point, the laughter started and just wouldn't stop. I was laughing so hard I nearly pissed myself, because I still had to go really bad. I ended up with no other choice than to piss in the kitchen sink. When I finally returned to the music room I was still laughing. I was laughing and couldn't form the words to tell the other guys what had happened. All I could get out was “no privacy”. I finally calmed down and started to tell the story when John came walking in. The uncontrollable laughter immediately hit me again. He 48
flipped me off and stormed out of the room. The rest of the guys, even though they didn't know the whole story yet, started laughing too. Later, I found out he decided to use the master bedroom instead of the TV/video game room because there were already a couple of guys in the TV room. So, for some reason, he thought it would be safe to use the master bedroom to jerk off. He was wrong. We ended up getting locks for all the bedroom doors after this incident. But every time I see John, I always make it a point to ask him if he has enough privacy. Another detail of the story I haven't mentioned yet is that John has, what most people would describe as, a monster cock. Up to that point, I'd heard rumors and random statements from others about it, but it was confirmed as absolute truth that day. John's a short, skinny guy so you wouldn't necessarily think he had a python in his pants when you look at him- but he does. I can't figure out why he got so embarrassed when I walked in on him. If I had his dick, I would have left the door to the bedroom open on purpose just to show it off...but that's just me.
49
