67 things you don’t know about women 1. "PMS is not a lame excuse to be able to yell at you. It's a great excuse." 2. "If we run into i nto your ex-girlfriend in public, the first thing you should do is put your arm around us. And if we have to introduce ourselves, you are in big trouble." 3. "We want to cuddle after sex because we're fucking freezing.” 4. "When you break up with us, that means it's over, and we will only sleep with you two or three more times." 5. “You shouldn't pass up a three-way three -way because you 'love us too much.'" 6. "No, we didn't see last week's Battlestar Galactica." Galactica ." 7. "Women grab their crotches, too. We just have the decency to do it in private." 8. "Some of us prefer boxing to yoga. None of us actually likes Pilates” 9. "When considering whether or not to ask out the girl you're afraid to talk to, keep this in mind: No matter who you are or what you look like, it's always flattering when you hit on us. Always” 10. Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-poundheavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy” 11. “Women like porn, too. We just hate it when you hide the porn” 12. “The Brazilian bikini wax is torture. To show a little appreciation, you could trim your nose hair. And your nut sack.” 13. "I know we're all busy, but let's avoid scheduling sex. When we start thinking about our night like, At 5:00 P.M., he's going to put it in me... Actually, that sounds kind of sexy." 14. "We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it." 15. "Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land." 16. "The concept of premenstrual syndrome was invented by a woman in Iowa who was trying to come up with a way to call her husband shit-forbrains without repercussions. Now we all benefit."
17. "We can tell how good you'll be in bed by how good you are on the dance floor. This isn't an invitation to grind your boners into our asses — we're looking more for rhythm, ingenuity, and joie de vivre." 18. "We want dessert. We want you to order dessert. What we don't want is for you to ask us if we want dessert." 19. "If we love you, there is nothing so filthy that you can't say it in bed." 20. "How sexy you look unbathed at a campsite first thing in the morning is as important as how sexy you look in a tux…Then again, looking good in a tux can turn a nice girl into a porn star.” 21. "Call us back right away. That 'three day' crap does not apply. We're getting older and we don't have time to screw around. Wait too long and we'll lose interest. Trust me on this one." 22. "Guys who go to Hooters to watch the game are usually the same guys who go to lunch at strip clubs for the free chicken-fried steak. Don't be one of those guys." 23. "We know men think breasts are like Barstow: just a short stop on the way to Vegas. But sometimes lingering a little longer at the places along the way can make for a more pleasant trip." 24. "When we say, 'I don't like to play games,' it's because we are very experienced at playing games." 25. "When we ask which outfit we should wear, humor us with an answer — just pick one already! — but expect us to go with the one you didn't choose.” 26. "Otis Redding said it perfectly: Try a little tenderness." 27. "Even when we're blindfolded, even when you're wearing sunglasses, even in the pitch black of night, we can always tell if you just ogled another woman." 28. "Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you." 29. "We're not complimented when you call your ex a slut. She dated you, too. So what are we?" 30. "Often men confuse pensiveness with bitchine ss, and I find that insulting!” 31. “Asking for directions is a really big turn-on." 32. "We love the fact that it takes you only twelve minutes to get ready for anything, be it black tie or a basketball game. When it takes longer than that... what are you doing in there?"
33. “We are all about our necks. Feel free to spend as much time there as you wish." 34. "All women love to be referred to as 'm'lady.' As in, 'Would you like another beer, m'lady?'" 35. "Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from 'Sorry about the smell' to 'I'm going to love you forever, m'lady.'” 36. "We're afraid of commitment, too. You may think we spend our time scheming ways to trap you into marriage, but many of us are quite happy being independent and autonomous. Besides, we're not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models." 37. "You aren't the only one who thinks that two women having sex is hot. If we haven't tried it, most of us have at least imagined what it would be like to kiss a pair of shiny red lips." 38. “Women are interested in A-list things: A designers, A vacations, A orgasms…Wait, let me rephrase that so there's no confusion: multiple orgasms." 39. "Even if we've only been dating a few weeks, don't introduce us as your 'lady friend' — or that's exactly what we'll become." 40. "If you think we like the word panties, you've been watching too much porn." 41. “Ditto titty and moist.” 42. "Of course we know how to work the TiVo. We're not stupid.” 43. "No, that is not our clitoris, but please — keep trying." 44. “If you’re funny, we will sleep with you.” 45. "When we fall asleep before the end of the film, it's because we are happy and relaxed, not because we're bored of Live Free or Die Hard." 46. "Men who wear sunglasses at night don't look cool, rich, or sexy. They look as if they should be holding a cane or following a dog.” 47. "If you can locate the following items in our home — tape, casserole dish, Christmas ornaments — you will get laid." 48. “Yes, we would sleep with your best friend." (So don’t ever ask) 49. "If you won't hold our hands in public, we won't blow you in private."
50. "Eye contact should last exactly 0.28 seconds. The quickest glance is the most effective. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse." 51. "Pick the weirdest part of our body and compliment it. The left elbow, the forehead, shins. Just be creative." 52. "Women don't take forever to pee. It's other chicks who make us wait. We have absolutely no idea what we're doing in there, and we look at one another in the bathroom line like, What the hell? Then, to keep ourselves occupied, we play with one another's boobs." 53. "We hate baby showers as much as you assume a sane person would.” 54. "We don't understand your fascination with boobs, but we're happy you have it." 55. "We drink till you're cute, too.” 56. "We never fake orgasms. Okay, once in a while we do. But only for the sake of expediency." 57. "We need you to be reachable at all times, but we don't always pick up our phones when you call. We realize this seems like a double standard; if you'd like to discuss it further, just leave a message." 58. "A serious scientific study has proven that women think 50 percent more than men, and 90 percent of that extra 50 percent is spent thinking about sex." 59. "Quit Facebook. If I'm standing next to you, and you're checking to see if you have any vampire bites from girls you went to camp with, something's wrong." 60. “If you defend a girl as 'really smart when you get to know her,' she is dumb. What you mean is, she's 'really smart for a smokin'-hot girl who is stupid.'" 61. "Women love sex tapes. Not porn — sex tapes, because scandal is titillating. If you want to trick us into watching porn, tell us the girl in it is famous and we just haven't heard of her yet."
62. "The quickest way to a woman's heart is through her clit.” 63. "Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years” 64. "The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit.” 65. "Our friends are not your enemies, and our enemies better not be your
friends." 66. “The smell of sweat is sexy within reason. Nuzzling your neck when you come home from the gym: sexy. Getting trapped in your armpit after you've played eighteen holes in 90-degree heat: not sexy."
67. “Sometimes we think we really understand men. Then we regain consciusness”
