SECRETS OF VENTRILOQUISM EXPOSED! F R E E T R E A T IS E TO ALL READERS Now you can get tbe greatest fun of your life ! Y ou can learn to throw your voice. This famous course has been written by a man who has probably had more practical experience in theatrical entertaining than any other performer in New Zea land—none other than George Tollerton, of “ Chuckles W ith Jerry ** fame. The fun and amusement you can get with Ventriloquism is boundless! People will weep with laughter! Ycu can be the hit of the even in g ! Wherever you go, or wher ever you are, your social popular ity will make you an outstand ing success!
STARTLE T H EM ! A M A Z E A N D M Y S T IF Y THEM !
GEORGE
AN D JE R R Y of '* Chuckles W ith J e r r y ” Fame This great master of the art of Voice Throwing with his inimitable doll, Jerry, famed for his enter taining sessions on the air. offers you the opportunity of learning Ventriloquism quickly and easily— just post the coupon away to-day for Free Literature.
Throwing your voice can be more comical than the greatest comedian— when you know how! The distant voice, the approaching hum , sup pressed whispering, and humorous dialogue can quickly be learned! by the Tollerton Method. This am azing system shows you quickly and easily how to leam Ventriloquism.
F R E E T RE A T ISE CO U PO N — H U R R Y T H E T O L L E R T O N S C H O O L O F V E N T R IL O Q U IS M , Desk E, 138 Q uten Street, A U C K L A N D . Please send me your Free Treatise on Ventriloquism. Enclosed find 2d. stamp for postage. Name ...... Address ....
M.B. 2/48
W IL L ALMA M.I.M.C. (LO N D O N )
By GEORGE TOLLERTON The State Library of Victoria “ALM A CONJURING COLLECTION”
MY LAUGH STORY By GEORGE TO LLERTON
I was born for no reason at all, many, many years ago. During my boyhood days I basked in the sunshine while Father basked in the moonshine. But to get back to my story— one night I lay in my cell— pardon me, my bed, when suddenly a big brick descended on my head— my mind turned a total blank and I became a Professional Magician. This does not mean that I always want to do Magic— right now I am trying to get a job where I can do something big and clean— I think I ’ll get a job washing elephants ! But seriously, friends. Magic is a word to conjure with. To be able to mystify a little family gathering or even a big public audience by performing seemingly impossible feats is a pleasure anyone can have, and I sincerely hope you enjoy performing the tricks explained in this small booklet. Here are a few basic rules to be observed :— r
1. Never let your audience know in advance what you are going to do. 2. Never do the same trick twice. are lost through repetition.
The best effects
3. Never become confused. Perform your tricks easily and slowly— when you are asked to repeat a trick, just promise to do so at your N E X T performance. 4. If a trick fails, smile cheerfully and blame it on the weatheV (it’s either too hot or too cold) or else say that so and so’s T IE frightened away the friendly spirits. «
SELECTED TRICKS THE VANISHING MATCHES Y o u shake a box of matches and the matches are heard rattling in the box. B ut, Presto, when you hand the box to a spectator— the matches have vanished ! S E C R E T : Y o u have a box containing matches con cealed up your sleeve, which produces the rattling sound caus ing the onlookers to think that the matches are in the box held in your hand.
“ LIVING OR DEAD” EFFECT : The performer supplies his spectators with a number of visiting cards, with the request that they each write the name of a living person— except O N E P E R S O N W H O IS T O W R IT E T H E N A M E O F A D E A D P E R S O N . T he cards are then dropped into a hat, and the magician on picking them out reads them and states whether they -are the names of living or dead persons.
SECRET : T he performer gives the spectator who is to write the name of the dead person a H A R D P E N C I L — the others are supplied with S O F T P E N C I L S . THE NAM E OF T H E D E A D P E R S O N IS T H U S E A S I L Y R E C O G N IS E D . Simple, yes— but just try it and watch the effect.
5. Bear in mind that the N EV ER TELL H O W
successful magician w ill A T R I C K IS D O N E .
A l l I ask of you is that you w ill treasure and guard these secrets which have been entrusted to you and P R A C T I C E W E L L before you attempt to perform for others. T he book was written with the humble hope that, some day, one of its readers will rise high in the Profession of M ag ic and join the ranks of the great magicians of to-day and the past.
CAN YOU COUNT TEN ? This is a most simple yet puzzling effect to those un acquainted with the secret, and it may, in fact, be presented several times without the secret being divined. T he performer places three matchsticks upon the table and asks whether anyone can count ten with them, one being counted every time a matchstick is taken up or laid down, the three matchsticks being upon the table when ten have been counted. H e then proceeds to count, picking up the matchsticks as he does so, " O ne, two three.” H e then lays them down again, counting “ Four, five six.” H e then takes up only two of the three, counting “ Seven, eight,” and finally replaces the two upon the table, saying “ Nine, ten.” H e then picks u p the three matches and hands them to one of the company, who is asked to count ten in the same way— but somehow he finds that he is unable to do so. S O L U T I O N : The secret of the successful accomplish ment of this feat is very simple. It is only necessary to remem ber that you must commence counting by P I C K I N G U P T H E M A T C H S T IC K S F R O M T H E T A B L E . W hen you ask anyone to try the experiment, Y O U H A N D T H E M T H E M A T C H S T I C K S , and they naturally commence counting them by L A Y I N G T H E M D O W N U P O N T H E TABLE. It is, however, quite impossible to count ten suc cessfully unless the matchsticks are T A K E N F R O M T H E T A B L E one at a time when commencing the count.
Be Sure and Send for the
“ BULLETIN OF MAGIC” From STEW A RT ’S STUDIO OF M AGIC, 64 Manners Street --- Wellington.
“ SPIRIT BLOOD TEST ” A n y message can be made to appear on your bare arm, written in blood, by following these directions : A p p ly to the bare arm a strong solution of salt and water several times. W h e n dry, scratch the message with a pointed stick. W h e n the arm is rubbed briskly the message w ill appear in red under the skin.
“ THE 25 CARD TRICK " P u t on the table 25 cards in five piles of five cards each. H av e a person think of a card and ask him which heap it is in. Gather up the cards, being sure that the heap containing the selected card is in the middle. N o w lay the cards out again in similar manner and ask which heap this time contains the selected card— then gather them up once more placing the heap containing the card in the middle. The selected card will always be the 1 3th card.
“ THE SPELLING TRICK ” T he performer takes 13 cards and begins to spell out loud “ O-N-E, O N E , ” passing one card from the top of pack to the bottom for eaih letter and then turn up the fourth card, which is found to be the A ce. Y o u then spell “ T -W -O , T W O ” passing three more cards, one at a time, underneath, and turning up the next, which proves to be a two . . . “ T-H-R-E-E, T H R E E , ” and so on in a like manner until the entire 13 cards have been spelled out. T o produce this effect cards must be arranged as follows : face down from the top down : 3-8-7-ACEQ U E E N - 6 - 4 - 2 - JA C K - K IN G - 1 0-9-5. 8
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A WONDERFUL DIVINATION T he performer secretly gets a knowledge as to wha! card is on top of the pack. Then, carefully watching the top card to see where it goes, he scatters the whole pack on the table, face downwards. N o w he proceeds to pick up cards from the table, naming each one before he touches it. In this way he takes up a few cards, and then hands them to the onlookers, who will be surprised to see that the per former was correct in his selection. T he secret is as follows : Suppose the top card which the performer lias secretly glanced at is the six of clubs. The performer names the six of clubs as the name of the first card he wil] choose, but he picks up another card, say, the eight of hearts. This he holds in his hand with the face hidden from the onlookers. H e now announces he w ill select the eight of hearts. H e then picks up a card, which is, say, the king of spades. This will be two cards in hand. I f he wishes to conclude the trick, the performer now states that he will choose the king of spades, and he then picks up the six of clubs, on which he has kept his eye from the beginning, and knows exactly where to get it. H e is now able to show that he did actually select the three cards he named. This trick can be varied by letting the audience touch the cards you name, but' the performer must see that he chooses the last card, or keep the selection going until one of the onlookers picks up the first card named, which would be, in the above instance, the six of clubs. This is perhaps a more effective method, because you are able to invite one of the audience to cut the cards, which never fails to increase the trick’s effectiveness. H aving “ learnt ” your top card, request an onlooker to give the pack a double cut— that is to say, divide it into three packs. O f
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'
these three there is one pack of which the uppermost card is known to you; let us say it is the knave of clubs. Y o u lay your hand upon one of the other packs and say : “ This top card is the knave of clubs.” Y o u examine it without letting it be seen, and find it is, say, the six of spades. Going to the next pack, you say the top card is the six of spades; whereas it is, say, the king of hearts. Y o u then elect to draw from the top of the third pack the king of hearts, instead of which you get the card originally named— the knave of clubs. A n d there you are.
MATCH MANUFACTURE Arrange twelve matchsticks upon the table, as shown in first illustration, and then ask someone to alter the arrange ment of them so that they w ill " I N D I C A T E W H A T M A T C H E S A R E M A D E O F .”
VDOVLOVE
S O L U T I O N : A t first sight it w ill appear to everyone that the answer must be “ W O O D , ” but it must be remem bered that there are other M A T C H E S than the striking variety. In this case, love matches” are referred to, and the correct answer is therefore “ L O V E . ” It w ill be seen that a slight rearrangement of the first figure w ill give the second figure.
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BROKEN MATCHSTICK RESTORED EFFECT : A matchstick is marked and wrapped in a pocket hand kerchief. A member of the audience is requested to break the matchstick in halves, through the handkerchief. This is accordingly done— but on the handkerchief being opened the matchstick is discovered whole as at first, and the mark identified.
W O R K IN G : A hemmed handkerchief is required for this sleight, a duplicate matchstick being inserted in one corner of the hem. The handkerchief is spread out upon the table and a borrowed matchstick is marked and placed in the centre of the handkerchief. T he four corners of the handkerchief are folded over to the centre, the corner containing the concealed matchstick being folded over last of all and placed quite clear of the marked matchstick. The handkerchief is then picked up with the right hand, the fingers being underneath and the thumb on top. Someone is then asked to break the matchstick through the handkerchief, but of course it is the concealed matchstick that is really broken. The handkerchief is then shaken out, allowing the marked matchstick to fall upon the table and showing apparently that only one match stick was used.
PATTER: Ladies and Gentlemen— Y o u may not be aware that it is possible to join severed articles without the aid of glue, paste or cement. I f someone w ill kindly lend me a wooden matchstick for a few minutes I w ill give you a practical demonstration, of my statement. T hank ycu, sir ! W ill you please bring the matchstick here and hold it up to the
audience in order that they may see that it is really a matchstick and not a billiard cue. T hank you ! N o w will you please make a mark upon the matchstick so that it may not lose its identity. H aving done that, w ill you please place it rpon this handkerchief. T hank you ! W a tc h carefully, please, while I fold the corners of the handkerchief over to the centre. A re you sure that the matchstick is still there? Please feel it through the handkerchief. N o w take it between your fingers and break it fairly in halves. T hank you ! Can you feel the two halves? Y o u can ! N o w then, to apply the healing touch with the magic wand and pronounce the mystic spell. M endo ! Mendino ! Seccotino ! ! ! A n d here, you see, is the matchstick fully restored and none the worse for its temporary disablement. Please examine it carefully in order to make sure that it is the actual matchstick which you lent for the experiment. Y o u recognise the mark? T hank you ! A n d now, having seen, how it is done, I feel sure that you will set to work repairing the broken crocks at home.
“ THE LIFTING TRICK” The magician places some matches on a table and also the outside case of a matchbox. H e challenges anyone to lift the case and the matches without touching them with his hands. W h e n everyone has given it up the magician performs the trick. S E C R E T : Arrange the matches close together on the table. H o ld the match case in the mouth, press it down over the matches and draw in a long deep breath. T he matches w ill adhere to the case and they can then be moved from the table.
J3
MATCHSTICK DIVINATION This forms a very good impromptu trick and one that requires no preparation whatever. For simplicity the effect is unequalled, yet few will be able to divine the secret.
EFFEC T : A box of matchsticks is handed to one of the company and he is asked to take out any number of matchsticks that he pleases, under twenty (or any other number that performer may fix). The performer also takes out some matchsticks and states that from them he w ill (1 ) count off the same number of matchsticks as has been taken by the assistant, ( 2 ) make up the number of the assistant’s matchsticks to nineteen, and ( 3 ) after this has been done will still have three matchsticks remaining. This programme is then carried out by means of the matchsticks which performer originally took from the box.
WORKING : W h e n performer takes his matchsticks from the box he takes out about two dozen; the exact number is immaterial. H e counts these in order to ascertain exactly how many he has taken. W e w ill assume that twenty-five have been taken. Y o u now claim to perform the three items, as set forth in the “ effect.” T he numbers “ nineteen” and “ three” given above may, however, be varied as desired. W it h 25 matches in hand you might claim to ( 1 ) count off as many as the , assistant has taken, ( 2 ) make up the number of assistant’s matches to 21 , and ( 3 ) have four matches remaining. Assistant is now invited to count off the number of matches he has taken from the box. Suppose this number is eleven. , Y o u
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proceed to count off eleven from your twenty-five, leaving fourteen. Y o u now do the second promise, make up the assistant’s number to twenty-one. Commencing from eleven counting up to twenty-one by laying down a matchstick each time. This w ill take ten more of your matches, leaving four. It may be pointed out that what has actually happened is that you have merely counted out 25 matches, but the process has been so covered with verbal camouflage that detection is almost impossible to the uninitiated.
“ TRY THIS ONE ” Place the four Jacks on the table and explain they repre sent four applicants for military service, two of whom were rejected on account of physical disability. Ask the audience to point out the two that were rejected. N o t one in ten w ill ever notice that only two of the Jacks have two eyes— the others having only one. \
“ FIGURE THIS ONE OUT ” A young woman goes upstairs at 7.45 to dress for the evening. She is 19 and weighs 7st. 21b. State the wait of the young man downstairs.
Free ! !
Free ! !
“ BULLETIN OF MAGIC” Send for this Book of Easy To Do and Amazing Tricks
Write to :
STEW ARTS STUDIO OF MAGIC, 64 Manners Street, Wellington.
“ TELLING A CARD BY ITS WEIGHT ” Y o u declare to your audience that you can tell a card by its weight. T ake about six cards from the pack, and ask the audience to select a card for the test. T ake the card in your hand between the first finger and thumb in order to feel its weight. W h ile doing this, press the back of the card with the edge of your thumb-nail, just hard enough to raise a small bump on the face of the card. N o w take up each of the other five cards in turn, pre tending to compare •their weight with that of the first card. Then allow the six cards to be shuffled. W h e n handed back to you, use a little showmanship by endeavouring to find the chosen card by its weight— B U T Y O U A C T U A L L Y FEEL FOR T H E SM ALL BUM P M A D E BY Y O U R T H U M B - N A IL O N T H E F A C E O F T H E C A R D . W h e n this is discovered, remember its position— go over the other cards and eventually come back to the chosen one— thus you convince the audience of your weight-testing ability.
NINE LITTLE MATCHES T he idea of this trick is to bet a soft drink that you can make your friend pick up the last match. E ach one is allowed to pick up one to three. H e picks first and here’s how it’s done . . . I f he picks one, you pick up three— if he takes two, you take two— if he picks up three, you pick up three . . . Y o u ’ll find that no matter how you slice it, H E H A S T O P I C K U P T H E L A S T M A T C H , and that means you are in on a soft drink ( ? )
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“ UPON MY SOLE ! ! ” Y o u place a playing card on the floor and by stepping on it you change its face value. For example, you place the Ace of Hearts on the floor and by stepping on it you change it to the Three of Spades.
S E C R E T : W hen you place the card on the floor— 'V O U R E A L L Y P L A C E T W O — one hidden behind the other. A sticky substance is on the sole of your shoe, such as a small piece of wax or gum. W h e n you step on the cards the top one will stick to your shoe and the other one remains on the floor. Apparently the same card has changed its face value. This trick must be performed to be appreciated. 17
“ A MODERN MIRACLE” EFFEC T: A small piece of paper and a pencil are handed to the audience, with the request that four different persons will each write down a row of four figures each— one under the other— so as to make a sum for addition. Here is an example: 4821 3395 2673 51 1 8 The paper is then given to a fifth person to add up, but before he can call out the result the performer has written the answer on a slate or another piece of paper without seeing what numbers were first written down.
SECRET : O btain a similar piece of paper to the one you intend handing out, and in four different handwritings write down four rows of figures. Place this piece of paper (folded into four) in your trouser pocket before you commence your per formance. N o w hand out a plain piece of paper similar to the one you have concealed, with the request that four different people write a set each of four figures as stated above. W h ilst this is being done, secretly obtain the duplicates from your trouser pocket. This is now held in-your hand so as to be unseen by the audience. A sk th e ja st person who has written a set of four figures to now fold the paper in four. The performer now takes this paper so that he may hand it to the fifth person to complete the addition, but exchanges it for the piece he holds in his hand— T H E T O T A L O F W H IC H H E H A S M E M O R IS E D . A s the fifth person is about to finish adding the sum, the performer writes the answer down and displays it for
verification.
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FINDING THE CHOSEN CARD H a n d the pack to be shuffled and, when returned, secretly note the bottom card. N o w lay the cards in five or six heaps on the table, and request a bystander to look at the top card of either heap and, having dcjne so, to replace it. This done, take up the heaps in such a manner that the original bottom card, which constitutes your “ key,” is brought immediately over the one chosen. T he pack may now be cut any number of times with very little fear of separating the two cards. Should they by chance become separated, it w ill be at the point of the cut, which leaves them at the top and bottom of the pack respectively; but even this may be obviated by cutting an even number of times. In other words, should the first cut separate the cards, the second must naturally bring them together again. T o find the chosen card then, the performer has simply to deal all the cards on the table, and watch for the “ key.” W h e n this appears, he knows the next is the one required, and makes a statement to this effect; but, before turning it up, he asks for the name of the card, thus proving that he does not expect any sympathy on the part of the drawer.
THE FIREPROOF HANDKERCHIEF Y o u borrow a pocket handkerchief and drape it over your hand and much to the surprise of your audience you prove that it is fireproof by placing the burning end of a cigarette against the handkerchief without damage. S E C R E T : A half-crown or 2/- piece is concealed under the handkerchief and when the cigarette is pressed against the handkerchief the heat is conducted by the metal of the coin so much faster than by the cloth that no damage is done. I
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A GOOD CARD TRICK D eal 20 cards in ten pairs, and let any number of people memorise any pair they choose. Then gather up the cards and deal them in four ro\vs, apparently in a haphazard manner, but really in accordance with the words chaff, sheer, usual and color, which you imagine to be written on the table thus:— C H A F F S H E E R U S U A L c o L O R card on the C of of the pair on the C of color. Then place each card of the next pair on a letter H , each card of the next pair on a letter A , two cards on the F ’s, two on the E ’s, etc. Y o u w ill see that there are ten pairs of letters in the four words and that no two pairs are similarly located in the rows. A sk the first person which rows his two cards are in. If he says two and three, you know the cards are on the imaginary letters “ S .” I f he says both are in row four, they are both on letters “ O . ” Thus you can pick up any pair called for as soon as you are told the row or rows in which the cards appear.
D ON’T FORGET TO SEND FOR THAT A M A ZIN G BOOK OF TRICKS IT’S F R E E ! !
“ BULLETIN OF MAGIC” 20
“ WATCH THE COIN ” E F F E C T : T he conjurer places a penny on the table (as he is seated) and asks someone to note that the H E A D is uppermost. H e then moulds a piece o f paper round a tumbler, which he has turned upside down and placed over the coin. H e then asks the spectator if the coin was head uppermost. H e removes the glass to make sure, and then covers it again. H e now brings his hand down quickly over the paper, squashing it flat. THE GLASS HAS V A N IS H E D ! S E C R E T : T he Conjurer is seated at the dinner table, as I have said, for this trick. W h e n he looks at the penny for the second time, he brings the tumbler covered by the paper towards himself and quietly allows the glass to slip out of the paper on to his lap, where it remains concealed. O f course, the penny is used merely to draw the attention o f the audience away from what the conjurer is really doing— the penny has nothing to actually do with the trick. It w ill be obvious that when the paper covers the penny the second time it is just the shell and contains no glass. Y o u may rest assured that when the hand smacks down on the paper and squashes it, there is a great gasp from the onlookers.
“ TRY THIS ONE ” T ake an ordinary wooden pencil and rub it up and down on a painted surface A N D P R E S S W H I L E Y O U A R E R U B B IN G . T he heat obtained by rubbing w ill cause the pencil to stick, and it will then be possible to hang a light hat on the pencil point.
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THE DISSOLVING COIN For this pretty and clever trick you require a glass disc about the size of a penny. Procure a tumbler of water and borrow a handkerchief. Secretly conceal the glass disc in the palm of the hand. N o w cover the tumbler with the handkerchief, and borrow a penny. Apparently place the penny underneath the handkerchief, but under cover of the handkerchief substitute the glass disc, and ask someone to hold the penny ( ? ) T he penny ( ? ) is held about two inches above the top of the glass, and the real penny is concealed in the right hand. Request the loan of a felt hat, and accept W I T H L E F T H A N D , then transfer to right hand, with right hand fingers going inside hat as you hold hat by its brim. Display interior of hat empty, and ask someone to. hold above head. A s assistant is about to take the hat, you allow the penny, which you have been holding, to fall gently intd the. hat. T ell the person who is holding the disc that when you count three you wish him to release the penny ( ? ) so that it w ill fall into the tumbler, and to listen intently as he does so. T he penny ( ? ) is heard to fall into the glass, but when performer removes the handkerchief, the penny has disappeared. T he disc being transparent, it is impossible of detection as it lays in the water at the bottom of the tumbler. T o prove that there is “ no deception,” the tumbler is turned upside down over another vessel, the disc adhering to the bottom of the tumbler by suction. The performer now goes over and asks the gentleman holding the hat to kindly look inside, and he w ill find the penny. 22
T he penny may be marked at the commencement of the trick. T he glass disc feels the same as a penny under the handkerchief, so nothing is suspected.
“ SEE THE GHOST ” G aze steadily at the X in the left eye of the skull under a strong light for about a minute. Then look off at a clear white w all and you will see the “ S P O O K ” on the wall.
“ HOW TO BURN SUGAR” Set a lighted match to a lump of sugar and the sugar w ill burn with a blue flame. N o one can duplicate this feat unless they know the secret. Before you present the trick, dip one corner of the sugar lump into cigar or cigarette ash— it will then ignite when the match is set to this particular corner.
“ THE VANISHING SIXPENCE” E F F E C T : The M agician spreads his handkerchief on the table and places a sixpence on the centre of it. H e then folds the corners of the hanky inwards so that the com is concealed. H e then picks up the hanky, shakes it— the sixpence has disappeared. S E C R E T : The M agician prepared for this trick by putting a small piece of S O A P on one corner of the hanky. W hen he folds the hanky in the way described he takes care to F O L D O V E R T H E S O A P E D C O R N E R F I R S T , and to press it on to the coin. This causes the coin to stick to the handkerchief, and thus the M agician can easily shake it to show that the coin has disappeared.
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THE THREE BURGLARS T ake the four jacks and one king (the officer) from the pack. H aving placed one of the jacks at the bottom or top of the pack, lay the other three upon the table with the king. N o w entertain the company by telling how three burglars oper ated and how they were finally captured by a clever officer. One enters by a cellar window (put one jack on the bottom ), the second entered the drawing room (place second jack in centre), the third enters from the top of the house (place the third on top of the deck), the officer followed last, being the least watchful (king also placed on to p ). Now , if the pack is cut once, the lower half replaced on top half, the jack and the king w ill be found together.
DO YOU WANT TO LEARN MAGIC RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING ? Send for Free Literature explaining about the
TOLLERTON SCHOOL OF MAGIC YOU CAN'T H ELP BUT BECOM E A M AGICIAN.
• See Back Cover for Details. 24
M A G I C
F0R
pleasure
and
p r o f it
Entertaining at Parties Increases Your Popularity. A S Y O U G A IN P R O F I C IE N C Y Y O U C A N M A K E M O N E Y B Y E N G A G E M E N T S AT S M O K E ■ C O N C E R T S & O T H E R F U N C T IO N S .
OTHERS HAVE DONE IT.
SO CAN
YOU
W E STOCK A W ID E RAN GE OF EFFECTS AND ILLUSIONS FOR
BEGINNERS, AMATEURS AND PROFESSIONALS INCLUDING—
George Tollerton’s Tried and Tested Tricks Send 1/3 in Stamps for Illustrated Catalogue of EASY - TO - DO - TRICKS.
Stewart's Studio of Magic 64 M A N N ERS STREET, W ELLIN GTON .
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A FEW QUIZZ TESTS “ OBSERVATION
POST No. 1.”
O n e o f the best w ays o f testing y o u r intelligent observation is to try to pick o u t the stranger w hich has m an ag e d to fin d its w a y in to each o f the groups below . B y using y o u r m in d ’s eye a great deal m ore th a n y o u r o rd in a ry eye — try to single o u t each “ in tru d e r ” th a t exists in each group. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.
F E D , JIH , M L K , P O N , VUT. 1938, 2958, 4794, 1635, 3774. M A D A M , M OON, LEVEL, ERE, PEEP. ST EP, T O PS, STOP, PO ST , POTS. S Q U A R E , T R IA N G L E , C IR C L E , H E X A G O N , OCTAGON. T A PE R , CAPES, G A P E D , H A V E N , LA PEL. N G O A R E , P G R E A , G F I, N N A A B A , W E H S K IY . 3445267, 5647932, 4435672, 2765434, 7523446.
“ OBSERVATION POST No. 2.” A re yo u an intellig en t observer? an d you w ill get the answer.
T ry the test below
A ll yo u have to do ' is to spot the “ stranger ” which exists in each o f the groups. T here is o n ly one “ stranger ” in each group. A w a rd yourself 5 points for every k ill yo u m ake. I f yo u m anage to score 40 or m ore then y o u are an excellent observer. I f y o u r score is 30 o r over, then y o u should cu ltiv ate tr a in in g y o u r m in d ’s eye ju s t a little m ore. I f y o u r score is u n d e r 20, it m eans th a t yo u are n o t ta k in g as m u c h notice o f things w ith y o u r eyes as is expected o f you.
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• 1.
2. 3.
a Z'
8 L?
J -J
O o U
4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
Lancasters, H alifax e s, S tirlings, M o squ itoe s. H ocke y, Soccer, R u g b y , C ricket. F eb , 29th, 1900. F eb . 29th, 1904. F eb. 29th, 1912. F eb. 29th, 1924. D D M IR A , W W R S A A , N N L D O O , SSRU A L. 16785, 17025, 19625, 17775. Acre, M ile , F u rlo n g , Pole. D F H , JK L , N P R , T V X. U n av o id a b le , U n forgiv eab le, U n e n v iab le , U n a v aila b le . M u r m u r , B u lb u l, D o d o , R o b o t. F o o t, Nose, E a r, M o u th .
E?P
“ BODYLINE.” ,
E a c h of the key-phrases given below suggests a part of, or som ething relating to, the h u m a n body. For exam ple, “ P L A C E O F W O R S H I P ” w o u ld give the j> answer “ T E M P L E . ” Please note th a t the answers are H § m eant -to be “ spoken,” thu s there m a y be instances of i~j a p u n . H ere is an other exam ple — “ V E R Y P R O U D ” 2^ n a tu ra lly suggests “ V A I N ” w hich is a p u n on the w ord “ V E I N . ” giv in g you a p a rt o f the b o dy. H ere they are. 5 55 Q
1. T o m ak e love. 2. A lw ay s h it w ith a ham m e r. 3. Schoolboys. 4. T o m ak e well. 5. T he fo o tb all player. 6. T hose in fav ou r. 7. A k in d o f love. 8. O n e car pulls another.
9. Swift-footed a n im a l. 10. Shellfish. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.
27
Starts the cheer. V ery saucy. H a s all the answers. Used for storage. A n otab le act. Best p art o f corn.
“ WHAT DO THEY FLY.” H ere are the im a g in a ry nam es o f six pilots. T he od d th in g is th a t if yo u re-arrange the letters in each nam e you can discover:the type o f aircraft the p ilo t flies. T his sh o u ld n ’t take yo u five m inutes— if y o u ’re sm art. 1. E R I C H A R U N . 4. L E N L I N G T O W . 2. D E N L U R D A N S . 5. B E N H E M I L . 3. R A Y L E N D S . 6. D A N F I T E .
Answers to Quizzes on Page 37.
READ CAREFULLY ! ! ! IF
YOU
WANT
TO LEARN
REAL
M A G IC
R IG H T F R O M T H E V E R Y S T A R T — S E N D FOR
THE
L IT E R A T U R E
T E L L IN G
YOU
ALL ABOUT' THE —
TOLLERTON SCHOOL OF MAGIC (See Back Cover)
OR IF Y O U F E E L Y O U C A N H A N D L E A F E W EASY
TO
DO
(N o
S k ill)
P R O F E S S IO N A L
T R IC K S — T H E N S E N D F O R T H E
“ BULLETIN OF MAGIC” F rom :
STEWART’S STUDIO OF MAGIC, 64 M ANNERS STREET — W ELLIN GTON . 28
“ READY RECKONING ” This is a trick with figures. A sk someone to write down four figures on a sheet of paper and show them to you. Y o u take the pencil and write something on the back of the paper. Let us suppose he has written 3 8 2 4 — you subtract two from the number and place two in front of the number. T hat would give you 2 3 8 2 2 , and is what you write on the back of the paper— not letting anyone see wh?,t you have written, of course. I f you write it in words (twenty-three thousand eight hundred and twenty-two) 1 think it will look more effective at the conclusion of the trick. Y o u have now finished with the back of the paper for a moment or two. Then ask someone else to write another row of figures under the 3824. Let us suppose they write 2 7 56. Y o u then say that as it is an addition sum you will write a row yourself. This row must be of such figures that were it added to the second row the two rows would total 9 9 9 9 , so the row you write would have to be 7 2 43 (this added to 2 7 5 6 would give 9 9 9 9 ) . N o w ask a third per son to add a row of figures; if they write 4591 you must again write figures which w ill total 9 9 9 9 , so your row w ill be 5 0 48. This will be the sum— 3 ,8 2 4 2 ,7 5 6 7,2 43 4,951 5 ,0 4 8 2 3 ,8 2 2
29
A sk someone to total the sum, and when they have done so, ask them to compare it with the answer you wrote on the back at the commencement of the trick. I f you have a friend who knows the trick and will be your confederate, he can write the third and fifth lines, and make the trick appear an absolute miracle. D O T R Y T H I S !
“ HEAD OR TAIL ” Here is a coin trick which requires no sleight of hand whatsoever. In the first place you declare your ability to tell in advance whether a spinning coin will fall head or tail upward. Anyone may spin the coin, and in every case you can foretell the result. T o do this you must use a coin prepared by making a slight nick in one side of the edge. W h e n the coin nears when it falls on the cut edge, the sound is quite different, and its fall and spins on the uncut edge, there is no change, but the coin falls more abruptly. A little experiment w ill enable you to distinguish between the two with absolute certainty— but the difference is too slight to be perceived by anyone not on the look-out for it.
“ A TRICK WITH A CAT ” W hen you have given an entertainment and your audi ence are still asking for more, suggest that as a change from conjuring you w ill ask the cat to wash itself. This is quite easily done. Stroke the cat affectionately at the same time asking it to wash itself. W h e n you walk away everyone w ill be amazed to see that the cat does just exactly what you have asked. H E R E IS T H E S E C R E T : T ake just a tiny piece of butter and smear it on the palm of your hand. N o w when you stroke the cat you w ill find he w ill commence his ablutions (without even being requested to do so).
30
“ ODD OR EVEN ” This is a very old trick and one of utmost simplicity. I t depends upon an obvious fact in arithmetic. Y e t, some'how, the most intelligent observers usually seem unable to grasp the principle involved. Y o u take a handful of coins, and ask one of your spec tators to do the same, which he is to count privately in order to know whether the number is odd or even. H e now places the coins in a hat, keeping the exact number a secret. Y o u now announce that you w ill drop the coins into the hat and make the total of the coins altogether total to the opposite (odd or even) which was dropped in by your assistant. T he coins are now emptied on to the table and openly counted. In every case they w ill be found the reverse of the the original deposit. The explanation lies in the simple fact that any odd number added to any other odd number makes an even num ber— and any odd number added to an even number makes ar. odd number. It is therefore only necessary for you to ad d an O D D number of coins to the hat each time to make the total different to the original deposit.
“ TO WHOM DOES THE EGG BELONG?” A sk a member of your audience if a peacock laid an egg in his garden, and knowing that the bird was owned by the people next door, who would be the rightful owner of the egg? W h e n the would-be lawyers have looked at the case from every angle, you can quietly point out that P E A C O C K S do not lay eggs.
31
** THOUGHT READING BLINDFOLDED ” Here is a trick which w ill, I think, prove a most puzzling one. Y o u will require a friend to do it with you. A fter explaining that your two minds are tuned into one another— that what your friend sees you can see, even if blindfolded— invite anyone in 'he room to blindfold you so that it is imporsible for you to see. W h e n this has been done, ask members of your audience to place a halfpenny, a penny, a three-penny bit, a sixpence, a shilling, a two shilling piece and a half-crown on the table. Y o u r confrere is seated at the table, and you are stand ing behind him with your fingers just touching his temples. Invite any member of the audience to touch any coin— you at once say which one it is. S E C R E T : This is quite simple, as you have both arranged that the halfpenny is one, the penny two, the three penny bit three, and so on. A s soon as the coin is touched, your fiiend w ill press his upper and lower teeth together the required number of times. This w ill not be noticed, but w ill cause the temple to throb. I f you feel one throb you know it is the halfpenny— two throbs, the penny, etc. Go ahead and fool ’em.
“ A LITTLE JOKE WITH FIGURES” Pass your friend a piece of paper and a pencil and ask him to write down eleven thousand eleven hundred and eleven Y o u will get some curious solutions to this puzzle, bul, of course, the answer is
12, 1 11 . 32
“ HOW TO TELL A LADY’S AGE ” There is no need to use this trick with anyone over 8 0 yearsof age as all shyness as to age w ill have passed by then. Needless to say, you do not tell the lady that the trick is to ascertain her age. I f you did she might show you one of her tricks when writing down the figures. Just ask her to write down the number of the month she was born in (January is one, February is two, M arch is three, and so o n ), then request her to multiply that figure by two, then add five, then multiply by 50, then add her age. 'T hen to subtract 365 and afterwards to add 115. W h e n she gives you the answer the two figures on the right will be her oge, and the remaining figure or figures w ill represent the month in which she was born. For example, if the answer is 1126, you will know at once that she was born in the 11th month (N ovem ber) and is 2 6 years old. I f it is 321, you will know she is 21 and was born in M arch.
“ A THOUGHT-READING CATCH ” T ake two small pieces of paper and pass one to a mem ber of the company and hold the other one so that when you write on it, those near you cannot see what you are writing. A sk the person who has the other piece of paper to first write down any day of the week, and when he has finished, ask him to think hard of the day he has written. W h ilst he is so doing you must pretend to be concen trating very hard, and then you write something on your piece of.paper (taking care nobody sees what you w rite). N o w ask him to write any month of the year, then think hard again— now to write in figures of any year, and think harder than ever. E ach time you write something on your piece of paper.
33
Place your piece of paper, face down, on a table— then ask your assistant to read out the others which he WTote.
Supposing he has written— W ednesday, M arch, 1929. Y o u take your sheet in your finger and thumb, and turning to the nearest person say : “ Speak the truth, sir, and say if I have written exactly the same.” T he person will, and can truthfully say you have, because the first word on the paper was E X A C T L Y , your second word T H E , and your last word was S A M E . So you see, if the person does speak the truth, he can only say you did write “ E X A C T L Y T H E S A M E . ”
“ THE HYPNOTISED CIGARETTE” W ith a little careful acting and thought, this should prove a most neat and effective trick. T he conjurer is seated at a table and requests the loan of a cigarette and places it on the table in front of him. Sitting well back in the chair the performer rubs the thumb and first finger of the left hand very quickly on the palm of the right hand. Lean forward again towards the table and place the finger and thumb you have been rubbing about an inch away from the cigarette and draw them on the tablecloth away from the cigarettc. Nothing happens, and the conjurer again sits back and goes through the rubbing process once more, but this time more briskly. A g ain nothing happens, and more rubbing is done. Q uickly take the thumb and finger from the palm, plac ing them on the tablecloth, and once again draw them away from the cigarette, and this time your audience w ill see it follow as if by some unseen force.
34
‘ Y o u w ill be very surprised to hear that the unseen force was your own breaih, and if it is carefully done it is an excellent little trick. The acting during the two or three times you failed to make the cigarette follow your fingers is very important, as „ you are judging the distance and each time you incline your 23iead a little nearer. O Be careful not to do this on' a polished or glass-top table fc^s your breath w ould be seen— and be sure not to inhale £ mdeeply just before you blow. It is during those few times you ~ ^fa ile d to do it that you collect sufficient breath for the trick. q Before showing this trick to any of your friends, just try Uit on a table in front of a mirror. It is a jolly good trick and Q s worth practising.
£ 3
“ NAMING A CHOSEN CARD ”
This is a very subtle card trick. 2 O A pack is shuffled and is laid on the magician’s hand. ^ H e immediately puts his hand behind his back, and turning js
35
“ THE BAFFLING CARD ” The effect of this trick is very surprising. A spectator selects a card M E N T A L L Y , and the card leaves the pack, to be found in the magician’s pocket ! M E T H O D : Memorise the top seven cards of the pack. This may easily be done by setting them in memorised order, as : two, six, Ace, eight, King, Jack, nine. T he arrangement of suits need not be considered as the numerical values are all different. H o ld up the pack with the face towards a spectator, and slowly spread the top seven cards, asking him to memorise one. A s soon as he has chosen a card, turn your back, asking him to write down the name of the card on a slip of paper. W h ile he is doing this you calmly place the top seven cards in your pocket. Then turn around and deliberately shuffle the pack. H a n d it to another person and tell him to open the folded slip. O n it he reads (for example) “ E ight of Spades.” W h e n he looks through the pack at your request, he finds that the “ Eight of Spades ” is missing ! A s you now know the chosen card, you have merely to reach into your pocket and draw out the fourth card from the top of the heap of seven— in this instance the eight spot is the fourth down. The misdirection in this trick is very artful, and no one ever suspects that you have removed A L L the cards from which the first spectator made his choice ! Later on, carelessly put the pack in your pocket, and in removing it later bring out the six cards which have been left there previously. A secret like this is alone worth the price of this book.
36
•
ANSWERS TO QUIZZ TESTS
Observation Post Wo. 1. 1.
2. 3.
4. 5. 6. 7.
8.
M L K . — T he others being three consecutive letters o f the a lp h a b e t in R E V E R S E , alw ays w ith a vowel in the m id dle. 1635— the o n ly n u m b e r not h a v in g the first Half equal to one-half o f the second half. : M O O N — all the other words being p alin d ro m e s— th a t is, they read the sam e spelt backw ards or forw ards. S T E P — all the other words being anagram s of one another. C I R C L E — the on ly figure not being m ade up of straight lines. H A V E N — the on ly w ord not h av in g the w ord “ A P E ” in the m id dle. W F H S K I Y — the o n ly gro up o f letters th a t do N O T spell the nam e o f a fru it w hen arranged in correct order. N o w find the other fruits. 5647932— all the other num bers being m ade u p of the same digits.
Observation Post No. 2. 1. 2. 3. 4.
5.
M O S Q U I T O E S — the o n ly twin-engined bo m b e r in the group. R L J G B Y — the on ly gam e in this gro up not played w ith 11 persons a side. F E B . 29th, 1900. T here never was such a day. S S R U A I— T he rest being capitals in E u ro p e set d o w n in an a g ra m fo rm — this w ord spells R u ssia, w hich is not a capital. 16785. N o t a m u ltip le o f 25 like the rest.'
37
6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
A C R E — the on ly m easurem ent o f A R E A . J K L — the rest being alternate consecutive letters o f the alphabe t. U N F O R G I V E A B L E — this w o rd was m isspelt. I t should be U n fo rg iv able . R O B O T — the re m ain in g w ords have the F I R S T SYLLABLE REPEA T ED. F O O T — n o t a p a rt of the head.
Bodyline. 1. N eck. 2. N a ils. 3. P u p ils. 4. H eel. 5. B ack. 6. Eyes (A y e s ). 7. C a lf., 8. Toes (T o w s ). 9. H a ir (H a re ). 10. M uscle . 11. H ip . 12. C heek. 13. Nose ( K n o w s ). 14. T ru n k or Chest. 15. F eet ( F e a t ) . 16. E ar.
: What Do They Fly ? 1. H U R R I C A N E . 2. S U N D E R L A N D 3. L Y S A N D E R .
4. W E L L I N G T O N . 5. B L E N H E I M . 6. D E F I A N T .
YOU CANT FAIL TO LEARN ALL ABOUT MAGIC IF YOU SEND FOR THE FREE LITERATURE OF
TOLLERTON SCHOOL OF MAGIC — FULL PARTICU LARS ON BACK COVER —
•SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD
Take seven Buttons — start at any circle and follow a straight line and leave Button at opposite end. Start with another Button from a N E W CIR CLE and repeat until you have covered seven circles. You must start each time from any circle not covered by button. 39
NOW HAVE ANOTHER FEW CHUCKLES WITH JERRY / erry : “ T he girls are h a v in g a pre tty rough tim e these
D ud Jerry
D ud Jerry
. D ud
Jerry
days — no elastic for girdles an d thin gs— th at accounts for a ll the sailors on the docks.” : “ W h a t have sailors got to d o w ith i t ? ” : “ T h e y are w a itin g for S H A P E S th a t never come in. I suppose y o u ’ve noticed th a t sailors are w earing beards longer a n d longer all the tim e ? ” : “ Yes — I ’ve noticed it.” : “ W e ll, a girl I k no w has a friend w ho is a sailor a n d w hen he cam e hom e after being years at sea— do you k no w how she fo u n d :h im ? ” : “ H a v e n ’t the slightest id ea.” : “ She ju st lifted u p his be ard— an d there he was.”
Jerry : “ I ’ve got a corker new jo b — the R a tio n in g C o m
D ud : Jerry : D ud : Jerry : D ud :
m issioner w ants to k no w how m a n y girls wear silk stockings a n d ho w m a n y d o n ’t. So I just stand on a street corner a n d co u n t the girls’ legs.” “ I can ’t see a n y th in g m u ch in th a t.” “ H o o H O O ! ! ” I ’m ge tting p a id for som ething I ’ve been d o in g all m y life for n o th in g ! ! ” “ I was reading where w om en were going to wear their dresses longer.” “ I t w o n ’t bother m e— I ’ve go t a good m e m o ry .” “ H o w d id yo u get this jo b ? ”
40
Je rry : “ T he R a tio n in g C o m m ission er sent me a tele gra m : ‘ D r o p everything— come a t onpe ’.”
D u d : “ A n d d id yo u ? ” Je rry : “ D o n 't be silly— I h a d a blo nd e in m y la p .” J e r r y : “ H o w m a n y miles is it to A u stra lia , D u d ? ” D u d : “ I d o n ’t k n o w .” Jerry. “ T hen I hope y o u 'll be sorry to-morrow w hen I get thrashe d at school for your ignorance.” D u d .: Je rry . D u d .: Je rry . D u d .: Je rry . D u d .: Je rry . D u d .:
Je rry : D u d .: Je r r y : D ud. : Je r r y : D u d .: Jerry: D u d .: Je rry :
“ L et me see a bottle of y o u r fam ous m edicine.” “ T h is is it— a cure for rh e u m a tism .” “ B u t the label says M U M P S ! ” “ I k no w — I c o u ld n ’t spell m u m p s. P u t o u t yo u r ton gue an d say 100.” “ N inety-nine.” “ D o as y o u ’re to ld .” “ O th e r doctors m ak e m e say ninety-nine.” “ E v e ry th in g has gone u p since the w a r.” “ P e rh aps 1 should tell you th a t m y b ro ther has Scarlet Fever. H e c a u g h t it th ro u g h kissing a ho use m aid .” “ O h , w ell— boys w ill be boys.” “ B u t I kissed the h o u se m aid , an d m a y have it m yself.” “ O h , I see.” “ A n d I kissed M Y W I F E this m o rn in g .” “ G ood H eavens! ! ” “ W h a t ’s the m atter, d o c to r ? ” “ Y o u say you kissed y o u r w ife ? ” “ T h a t’s rig ht.” “ T H E N R I N G U P T H E H O S P I T A L — I ’M A M O R A L T O C A T C H IT M Y S E L F ! ! ! ” 41
Jerry :
“ D id you know my father had another wife to support?” George : “ B ig am y ?” Jerry : ■ “ N o — I just got married.”
Jerry :
“ Ever heard this funny little rhyme George?” I had a girl named A d a , H er second name was K lok. A n d every time I had a date It was for A d a K lok.
Jerry :
“ H ere’s a good story George. A Taranaki farmer had an argument with the devil. T he devil said no one had a perfect memory— but the farmer reckoned he had a M aori working on his farm who never forgot anything. So the devil went up to the M aori and said, ' D o you like eggs?’ The M aori said ‘Y e s ’— and the devil went away. Twenty years later the farmer died and the devil thought, ‘ A h , here’s my chance.’ H e came back to earth and presented himself before the M aori. Raising his hand he gave a tribal salute and said, ‘ H o w ? ’ Q uick as a wink the M aori replied, ‘ F R I E D . ’ ”
THE SALVAGE MAZE The Salvage Man sets out (bottom left) to collect 64 letters from footpaths. He does not pas& over the same path twice— nor does he cross a line—yet he arrives at the waste-paper basket with exactly 64 letters in his bag. He must collect ALL the letters he passes. WHICH W A Y MUST HE GO?
42
SALVAGE M AZE.
JERRY’S POETICAL CORNER. I f her carriage is stately, M a k in g everyone stare; I f her m ake-up is perfect, B e y o n d all com pare; I f she shows pe arly teeth, Sets one’s heart in a w h irl, Y o u can bet y o u r sweet life She’s an other T w e rp ’s girl.
W h e n on the tra m th a t takes you hom e A passenger yo u spied W hose head m oved like a m etronom e — T h a t is, from side to side — Y o u p ro b ab ly reflected on T he reasons doctors give F o r nervous heads th a t w ag in one U nceasing negative. Y o u th o u g h t: N o w here’s m u g as is Affected b y the dance T h a t people call St. V itus A n d o n ly learned b y chance T h e e x p la n a tio n y o u ’d h a v e m isse d I n such a sim ple w ay— T he bloke was a tobacconist W h o ’d ju st k nocked off for the d a y ! !
As G eorgie q u ie tly crept upstairs, T he clock was strik in g two. A la s! he stu m bled . . . after w hich, H is w ife wras strik in g T O O ! !
44
AN ODE
T O R A D IO
ANNOUNCERS ’
T h e y are m o u lde d m u c h the same, A h a p p y b a n d o f brothers; B u t Je rry says, th a t some there are M u c h m o u ld ie r th a n others. “ W HEN
I
F IR S T
SAW
FANNY”
H e r sm ile was sweet, her eye was brig ht I w ished th a t she could love m e; She was, a n d is, m y he art’s delight. B u t she was far above me. I w onder if its w orth the fuss A n d bother of recording, T h a t I was rid in g on a bus, A n d she was on a H O A R D I N G !
1 know a girl n a m e d D a p h n e G rey , I on ly m et her yesterday, S hort th o u g h the tim e is, I can see She’s daphnetly the one for me.
M a r y was a little la m b , She th o u g h t th a t b o tto m gear W a s som ething nice a n d frilly I n the w a y o f underw ear.
Jerry :
“ Is it true that my brother Dopey has owed you for a suit for five years?” Tailor : " Y e s — did you wish to pay the b ill? ” Jerry : “ N o — I would likie a suit on the same terms."
45
“ THE PERFECT CRIME”. Je r r y h a d everything p la n n e d . H e hate d A tcherley, the R a d io announcer. H o w he hate d h im ! T he w o rld was to o sm all for b o th o f them . A tcherley m u st go. Je rry k new w h a t m u rd e r m eant. if he failed— b u t he w o u ld n o t fail.
I t m e a n t the rope
So he p lan n e d the crime. T he perfect crim e. A ll the advantages o f education w o u ld be b ro u g h t to bear— all the c u n n in g o f his queer, tw isted m in d . O n ly fools were fo u n d out. M u r d e r called for w isdom . A fool an d his neck were soon parted. C h u c k ling at his ow n w it, Je r r y com pleted his plans. T h e perfect crim e— one h u n d re d per cent, w atertight. I t w o u ld have been alrig ht, on ly Je rry forgot ju st one t h in g — his ow n absent-m indedness. H E F O R G O T T O . C O M M I T IT .
Jerry: “ O ld P eter D a w so n in D u n e d in was so th in th a t w hen we were do in g our first show together I was ta lk in g in to the m icrophone for five m inutes before I woke u p th a t the m ike was Peter.”
D u d : “ I d id n ’t th in k he was so th in as th a t.” J e r r y : “ T h i n ! ! H e swallows a w a ln u t every m o rn in g so th a t his pan ts w ill stay up . th in you are, D u d ? ”
Y o u k no w how
D u d : “ Y es.” ferry: “ A n d yo u k no w ho w th in I a m — well, Peter is as th in as the tw o of us p u t together.”
46
Jerry: “ H e y ! Let me know when you’ve finished with that iron down there.”
George : Jerry :
Jerry, if a man fell from a six-storey building and wasn’t hurt, what would that be?” “ A
fluke.”
Ceorge :
W h a t if he went up again and wasn’t hurt?”
Jerry :
T hat would be a coincidence.”
Ceorge : " But if he went up and fell down a third time— what would that be ?”
Jerry :
" I would say that would be a habit.” 47
Jerry
: Blue were her eyes R e d zvas her nose H er hair was a beautiful yellozv A n d every time she dropped her teeth You could hear it all over the cellar.
Barbara'. “ I d id n ’t like y o u r delivery very m u c h .” Jerry : “ I a m a poet— n o t a messenger bo y .” Barbara'. “ W h y not tak e a course in voice production. I have Professor P a lo m a rig ht here in the stu dio.”
Jerry
: “ I feel I ’m w a lk in g in to a trap . George — I smell a rat — an d I ’m not being personal either.” B arbara: “ C o m e rig ht in Professor — Je rry , m eet P r o fessor P a lo m a .” Jerry : “ George, if I d id n ’t k no w better I could swear th a t was D u d W r a th a ll in disguise. Sam e pigeon-toes— same long nose— same reced ing ch in — I d o n ’t th in k I was far o u t w hen I said I sm elt a ra t.” D ud. : (in Ita lia n dialec t) “ Are you the G re a t Je rry Ja x o n , U g h ? ” Jerry : “ Y es, Professor Sausage, th a t’s m e— U G H ! ! B a rb a ra , can ’t this Professor F ra n k fu rte r ta lk decent E n g lish ? ” B a rb a ra : “ Y o u d o n ’t u n d e rstan d . H e is Swiss.”
Jerry
: “ J u s t a big cheese, e h ? ”
D ud. Jerry
: “ L e t m e look a t y o u r voice, y o u n g m a n .” : “ W o u ld n ’t you like to H E A R M Y E Y E S
as
w e ll?”
D ud.
: “ P u t o u t y o u r tongue— fu rther— fu rth e r still — w h y can ’t yo u p u t it o u t further? ”
48
Jerry : “ B a rb a ra : “ Jerry : “ D ud. : “ Jerry D ud.
Jerry
Because it's tied on at the other H e ju s t w ants to see y o u r tonsils,
end.” Je rry .”
T oo late— the cat got th e m years
ago.”
I w a n t to tell if y o u r voice is w o rth train in g. Sing M e e — Alee— Alee.” : “ Y o u — y o u — yo u .” : “ N o — N O — b u t th a t w ill do. I th in k I can m ake som ething of th a t voice. W o u ld you like to be a star? ” : “ A s ta r? ”
D ud.
: “ Yes — a heavenly b o d y .”
Jerry D ud. Jerry
: “ Oh!
: “ R o b in s o n ? ”
D ud.
: “ NO! !
B e tty G ra b le ? ”
: “ A star in O p era — a C a r u s o ! ”
Jerry
Signor C a ru so — w o u ld n ’t to be like h i m ? ” : “ N o fear — he’s d e a d ! ”
D ud.
: “ I f you place yourself in m y han ds I w ill m ake
Jerry D ud.
: “ L isten, Saveloy— I hav e n ’t got 500 pennies
you great . . .
Jerry D ud. Jerry
you
like
for £500.”
: “ I w ill get yo u a contract at the M e tro p o lita n O p era H o use .” : “ I have already sung there— d u rin g the season o f F a u s t.” : “ W h a t d id yo u s in g ? ” : “ PEANUTS! G U M !!!”
L O L L IE S !!
C H E W IN G -
Jerry : “ W ill- you marry me F a n n y ?” Fanny : “ N o — you are only an apology for a m an.” Jerry : “ D arling—-won't you accept an apology?” 49
George : " Fool !
W h a t are you hitting your head with that hammer fo r?” “ Cause maybe it w ill swell up and keep this cursed hat from falling down over my eyes.”
ferry :
Jerry : George Jerry : George Jerry : George Jerry : George Jerry :
:
: :
:
“ George, I can prove you are not in the studio now.” “ W h a t rot— of course I ’m here— what’s the g a g ?" “ W e ll, you’re not in London, are y o u ?” “ N o .” “ Y o u ’re not in N e w Y ork, are y o u ?” “ N o .” “ Y o u must be somewhere else, then?” “ O f course.” “ W e ll, bust my buttons, B ald y— if you are some where else, how the heck can you be in the studio?’’
George (in
restaurant) : “ This doesn’t taste much like chicken soup to me.” Jerry (as waiter) : “ I t ’s chicken soup in its infancy, George.” George : “ H o w do you m ean?” Jerry : “ It was made from the water the eggs were bo in. Say, have you ever tried one of our ‘ K ing Country’ breakfasts?” George : “ Never heard of them— is it somethingspecial Jerry : “ I t ’s a steak,a bulldog and a quart of whisky.” George : “ W h a t ’s the bulldog fo r?” Jerry : “ T o eat the steak.”
George : “ Jerry, can you tell me what the chaplain does in Parliam ent?”
Jerry: “ Y ds— he stands on a platform,
looks members and prays for the country.”
at
the
Ceorge : " I was pleased to see you at church last Sunday, '
Jerry :
Jerry. D o you remember what the sermon was about?” “ Yes— it was about the evils of gambling— and it did a lot of good, too, because the parson told told me he found six double-headed pennies in the collection that morning.”
Jerry :
“ Jim iny crickets, my face feels like a parade ground this morning.” Ceorge : “ A parade ground, how’s th a t? " “ I ’ve had two dentists drilling on it the whole Jerry : morning.”
Ceorge : “ Remember, Jerry, a job well done never wants Jerry :
doing again.” “ Is that so— what about mowing the law n ?”
T raffle Cop : “ W h a t gear were you in at the time of the Jerry :
Jerry : Fanny :
accident?” “ I had on a blue suit, brown shoes and red jersey.”
“ There’s one thing, Fanny— you can never accuse me of running after you.” “ No. A trap doesn’t run after a mouse, but it catches it.”
Ceorge : “ Y o u Jerry :
know, Jerry— the average wom an’s voice has a range of an organ.” “ W h a t a pity it hasn’t got the same number of
stops.” 51
Fanny :
Jerry : Fanny : Jerry :
“ Y o u should be ashamed of yourself— I invite you over to dinner— and the next thing I find you witli some of our spoons in your pocket.” “ I ’m sorry, Fanny— it was all a mistake.” “ A mistake?” “ Yes— I thought they were silver.”
George : “ H o w did you come to make all that money?” Jerry : “ I formed a partnership with a rich m an.” ~-s George : “ H o w did you do it ? ” Jerry : “ H e had the money and I had the experience.” George : “ A n d was it a successful business?” Jerry : “ Tremendously so— when we dissolved partnership a year later— 1 had the money and lie had the experience.”
George : “ I ’m going to buy the best car I can afford.” Jerry : “ A n d I ’m going to buy the best car I can— a F ord.”
THE CRICKET M A ZE (Opp. Page.) Imagine you are just going in to bat. Add your score as you proceed and see how many you can make before you get out. If you find yourself trapped in the centre or at any corner you are out. It is possible to make a century. You must not pass over the same path twice or go through the same number twice. Start where man is walking with bat. 52
George : “ W h o was it said— ‘ W e come to bury Caesar, not to praise him Jerry : “ T he undertaker.” George : “ W e ll, who was it said— ‘ Give me liberty or give me death?’ Jerry : “ M y U n cle.” George : “ Y o u r U n c le ?” Jerry : “ Yes— you should see my A u n t ! ” George : “ H o w did you find the food on board, Jerry?” “ W h e n I was on the port side it wasn’t so hot— but when they transferred me to the starboard it was hotcha.” George : “ W h a t difference did it make? ” Jerry : “ D o n ’t you see— it made me a ‘ starboarder !
Jerry :
George : “ I f you’ve only got two wooden legs, Jerry— how Jerry:
do you w alk? ” “ O h , I just lumber along.”
Fanny : “ N o w I know why men call us girls ‘ birds.’ ” Jerry : “ W hy?” Fanny . “ Because of' the worms we pick u p .” Jerry : Fanny: Jerry : Fanny : Jerry :
“ D id you know that George’s wife was having trouble with her back again?” “ W h a t ’s wrong— lum bago?” “ N o — she wants another fur coat.” “ W h a t could I do to have lovely soft hands like she’s got?” “ Nothing— and do it all day long.”
54
Teacher : “ Nam e three collective nouns.” Jerry : “ Fly-paper, rubbish tin and vacuum cleaner.”
George : “ W h a t are you crying for, Jerry?” Jerry : “ Father was nailing the carpet— the hammer slipped and he hit his finger."
George : “ But what is there to cry for in that? Jerry :
Y o u should
have laughed.” " T h a t’s why I ’m crying . . . I did ! ”
Jerry :
“ There are not many people in L apland, are there, George ? ” George : “ I don’t think so— why do you ask?” Jerry : “ I always understood there were not many laps to the m ile.”
George : “ H o w do you like this sample of material for my new suit?”
Jerry: (looking at the wrong side). “ O h , riot so ba d.” George : “ B ut you’re looking at the wrong side.” Jerry : “ W e ll, that’s the side I ’ll be wearing when you’ve finished with it.”
George
:“ Y o u ’re a d irty little scrub, Je rry — how long is it since y o u chang ed y o u r singlet? ” Jerry : “ A b o u t three m o n th s ! ! ” George • : “ T h a t’s disgusting — w h y , I change m ine at least twice a w eek.” Jerry : “ T h a t’s ,O .K . for yo u — B U T M I N E H A V E T O B E N A I L E D O N .”
35
Ceorge : “ I know a man who swims across a river three times before breakfast every morning.” “ H o o H o o — what a little beauty!” . Jerry : Ceorge : “ W h y — what’s w rong?” “ I ’m just wondering why he didn’t swim it four Jerry : times and get back on the side where his clothes were.” A n d then there was the man on relief who was so accustomed to having things done for him that he went and married a widow with three children.
Jerry :
“ W h a t kind of cereal would you like for breakfast this morning, George? Bran, Weet-bix or H u m o u r?” Ceorge : “ H um our? W h a t kind is that?” “ Shredded-Whit. But wait till I tell you about Jerry : the three men in a boat who had four cigarettes but no matches. W h a t did they d o ? ” Ceorge : “ Y o u tell me.” “ They threw away one cigarette and made the boat : Jerry : a ‘ cigarette lighter.’ ”
“ Jerry :
“ T w o little kittens watching a tennis match turned their heads pivot-like as they followed the ball back and forth. One got tired and said, * Let's go,’ but the other replied : ‘N o , I ’m going to stick around— my old man’s in that racket ! ” '
Ceorge : “ Jerry, what do you think a bride is thinking as Jerry :
she walks into the church?” “ Aisle, A ltar, H y m n .”
56
This soil of thing often happens when Jerry is telling some of his weak jokes to M um in the kitchen.
George : “ There’s only one secret to success, Jerry— pluck, pluck, pluck.”
Jerry :
“ Y eah, but the trouble is finding someone to pluck.”
Jerry :
“ I ’m all out of sorts, George. T he doctor said the only way to cure my rheumatism was to stay away from even the smallest amount of damp ness.”
George : “ W h a t ’s so tough about that?” Jerry :
“ Y o u don’t know how silly it makes me feel to sit in an empty bath and go over m yself with a vacuum cleaner.” 57
“ NON-STOP VARIETY ” — BY JERRY I was standing inside the fun parlour when I first saw her. W h a t a moment that was ! I heard a buzzing in my ears, lights flashed, bells sounded— then someone shut off the pin-ball machine . . . She was a suicide blonde— dyed by her own hand . . . She came right up and asked me if I wanted to play— at the time I didn ’t know she was a golfer. In an instant she gave me a kiss. W e ll, she didn’t exactly give it to me— I sort of had to squeeze it out of her. She was beautifully dressed— she wore a sweater for three reasons. One, it kept her warm— the other two were obvious . . . She was a girl who d idn ’t have any principal, but she could draw interest ! W h e n I first met her she had just baked herself in the sun for six hours, so she could be the toast of the town. I called at her house one night to take her out, and did she give me a scare? She said she was going to wear a low-cut gown and show me a thing or two round town . . . She also had on a perfume that was so terrific it left me smell-bound. W hen we got to the restaurant she said she wasn’t hungry. T hat may have been so, but it’s the first time I have seen sparks come from a knife and folk. W h ile she was eating her soup she found a fly in it. She called over the waiter and told him to remove the insect— so he threw M e down four flights of stairs. , A fter the meal I proposed to her. I told her that if she didn’t accept me I ’d run outside and throw myself in front of a passing blonde . . . I said I ’d go through anything for her— so she let me go through my bank account first. A fter dinner I took her to a picture show— there was a horror picture on and she screamed twice . . . once at the picture. She said love was blind so I was just trying to feel my way around. T o make matters worse she returned my ring in a box marked “ G L A S S — H A N D L E W I T H C A R E .” O n ly yesterday I got a telegram saying she had
58
been eaten by an A frican cannibal . . . O h , well, she always did look good in black. Everybody says I ’m going to get into trouble chasing girls. I know better, though. I t ’s only after I catch one the trouble begins.
“ JERRY HAS AN EVENING WITH A PUSH-BUTTON RADIO ” G ood evening. Ladies and Gentlemen— this is Station D - O - P 'E . O u r first session is sponsored by D u Barry’s Dangerous Temptation— it’s a beautiful perfume. W hen you go to a chemist insist on D u Barry’s Dangerous Tem pta tion— just ask for D .D .T . A n d now we bring you our clas sified Advertisement programme . . . W an ted, waiter at insane asylum— for serving soup to nuts. Position wanted by refined looking girl for night-club work. H as no bad habits . . . willing to learn. H ere’s a personal ad.— if James Blake, who 22 years ago basely deserted his helpless, penniless wife and infant son. Michael, will return home— M ike will take great pleasure in knocking the devil out of him . . . and always remember to use Scrapo Shaving Cream— Scrapo removes the chief difficulty of shaving— your face. N o brush, no rub in,' no lather . . . just blood. O u r motto is “ W e guarantee our product, not for a day, not for a week, not for a year— in fact, we don’t guarantee it at all. A n d now we have our Advice to the Lovelorn programme, conducted by Betty W o n t . . . she says, “ M arry him if he’s rich— or tall— or handsome— or if he asks you.” A n d remember this girls— when a man has a hangover, he needs a bromo seltzer, but when a woman has a hangover, she needs a new brassiere. A n d now here’s F izz and H is Oodles of Questions programme. Q U E S T I O N : W h y does an old m aid wear cotton gloves? A N S W E R : Because she hasn’t any kids.” Q U E S T I O N :
W h o were the original ones to use the loose leaf system? A N S W E R : A d a m and Eve. T hat programme was brought to you by the Holstein Haberdashery Co— their underwear and shorts are made entirely of milk— that’s why they call them “ udderwear.” A n d here we have the session con ducted by M r. A gony. A listener writes : D ear M r. Agony, I can’t seem to sleep at nights no matter how I try— what shall I do? T he reply : Dear M adam e— Move over to the edge of the bed and you’ll drop off in no time. H ere’s an other : Dear M r. A gony— M y hair is coming out so fast I don’t know what to do. W h a t shall I get to keep it in? Dear Sir : A paper bag ! A n d once again we bring you the Poetry H our— the following selections are included in our latest anthology . . . Girls who eat a lot of sweets W ill soon develop bigger seats. or this . . . E arly to bed and early to rise A n d your head w ill never feel tw'ice its size. 'finally . . . Roses are red —
violets are blue,
N ellie’s are pink . . I know’, I saw them on the line. N o w let us tell you about V icto r’s V irile V itam in Bars. O ne satisfied user writes : “ T w o weeks ago my Missus was ailing— thanks to your product I ' now have a new w ife.” Remember you eat it both before and after meals— we sell more that W’ay . . . A n d now for the Fairy T ale hour. O u r story to-night is about the three girls who joined a nudist colony. I t ’s called “ T he Three Bares ” . . . B ut our spon sor wants to give you these words of advice : If your hand itches you’re going to get something— if your head it. you’ve already got it.
60
A FEW STORIES A fter twenty years of married bliss, a m an’s wife passed away and the bereaved husband had her ashes put into a beautiful urn, which he placed directly above the fireplace in his living room. Heedless friends fell into the habit o f flicking their cigar ashes into the urn. H is brother arrived some weeks later, glanced into the urn, anti remarked with surprise, “ Say, your wife is putting on weight, isn’t she?” T w o passengers on the Tasman flying boat were boast ing to each other of their prowess as salesmen. “ I ’m from W ellington,” said one, "a n d you may believe it or not, but last week I sold a firm five thousand pounds worth of card board boxes.” “ W h a t ’s that,” deprecated the other. “ W a it till I tell you about me. I run a clothing shop and a few days ago a woman came in to buy a suit to bury her husband in . . . and I sold her an extra pair of pants !
A patron at Ellerslie racecourse kept charging up to the tote window to place heavy bets on B L U E - B O Y in the fourth race. W h e n he appeared at the window the fourth time, an onlooked tapped him on the shoulder. “ Brother,” he said, “ I reckon this isn’t any of my business, but if I were you, I w ouldn’t risk all that money on B L U E - B O Y . H e ’s not going to win the fourth race.” “ Is that so,” said the bettor, “ how do you figure that o u t?” “ W e ll, if you must know,” responded the other, “ I happen to own B L U E B O Y and I just happen to know he isn’t going to win that fourth race.” T he bettor reflected for a few minutes. “ M aybe so,” he allowed, “ but if that is a fact, all I can say is, it is going to be a mighty slow race. I own the other four horses.” 61
P a t heard that his old friend M ike had married for the second time, but he didn ’t meet the new bride until some months later, when he bumped into the newly-weds in the lobby of a hotel in Christchurch. H e was horrified to observe the new Mrs. M ike wore an obvious wig, had one glass eye, a’ wooden leg and a set of false teeth that rattled ominously every time she moved a muscle. Completely taken aback, he whispered in M ike’s ear, “ W h a t came over you, M ike, to marry an old battle-axe like that?” “ Y o u can speak up, old boy,” said M ike cheerfully, “ she’s deaf, too.” E pitaph on the gravestone of an A rm y mule : “ Here lies M aggie, who in her time kicked two colonels, four majors, ten captains, twenty-four lieutenants, forty-two sergeants, four hundred and eighty-six privates, and one bom b.” A farmer once called his cow “ Zephyr,” She seemed such an amiable hephyr. W h e n the farmer drew near She kicked off his ear W h ic h made him considerably dephyr. The farmer had .been on the ran-tan in the city and was suffering from a terrific hangover when he stumbled out at five in the morning to m ilk the cow. " Y o u look terrible,” said the cow bluntly. “ Those circles under your eyes reach down to your knees.” “ I know,” said the farmer, sadly. “ A n d milking you is only the beginning of my troubles. I ’ll be slaving on this durn farm till seven to-night.” “ W e ll,” volunteered the cow, “ I ’ll help you all I can. Y o u just hold tight and I ’ll jum p up and dow n.”
62
A n American soldier was riding alongside a driver in the front seat of a lorry in Southern E ngland. H e noticed that the driver had a big bag of powder and that every few minutes he scattered some of the powder on the earth behind him. “ W h a t ’s the idea of the powder?” asked the American. ‘‘I t ’s lion powder,” explained the driver. T he American pondered over this for a few moments, and then said, “ H ey, I didn ’t know there were lions in Sussex.” “ There aren’t,” explained the driver, “ and a ruddy good thing, too. T he powder ain’t no good.” T he village skinflint, desperately ill, startled the local pastor by wheezing, “ H e lp me get well, Pastor, and I'll give the new church fund £ 1 0 ,0 0 0 .” H e recovered, but refused to see the pastor on numerous occasions. T he churchman finally cornered him in the post office, and sternly reminded him, “ Y o u promised the church £ 10,000 if you recovered your health.” “ I did ! ” exclaimed the skinflint in astonishment. “ T h a t’ll give you a rough idea how sick I was.” T he boss returned from lunch in a very good humour and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody laughed uproariously except one girl in the corner. “ W h a t's the matter?” grumbled the boss, “ H aven’t you got a sense of hum our?” “ O h , I don’t have to laugh,” faid the girl. “ I ’m leaving to-morrow.” A little whisk broom asked his parents, “ H o w did I get here?” H is mother answered leadily, “ Y o u r daddy and I swept together.”
63
M r. Perkins was painfully ljimping down the street when he met a friend, who expressed great concern over his condition. A fter a few questions the friend told him, “ I had the same trouble a few months ago, but had all my teeth removed, and now I ’m fit as a fiddle. I strongly suggest that you do the same thing.” Feeling that he had nothing to lose, M r. Perkins had all H I S teeth removed, but in vain. Several weeks later, still limping, he ran into another friend, who told him that he had cured a similar condition by having his appendix removed. So M r. Perkins had his appendix removed, but still he limped. A third friend suggested removing his tonsils, but that failed, too. Some months after his first encounter, M r. Perkins, a cured man, was strutting gaily along when he ran into friend number one. “ A h , I see you’re all right now ,” said his pal. “ So my advice worked, eh?” “ No ! T aking my teeth out didn ’t help— taking out my appendix and my tonsils didn ’t help. B ut I ’ll tell you what did help. I took T H E N A IL O U T O F M Y S H O E .”
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