Double Commitment

“How to Double Commitment” By Mia Summers All Rights Reserved Copyright © 2007 MeetYourSweet.com No part of this book may be reproduced, transmitted or distributed in any form or by any means, electrical or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system without permission in writing from MeetYourSweet.com. The information contained in this book is provided ‘as is’ without warranty of any kind. The entire risk as to the results and the performance of the information is assumed by the user, and in no event shall MeetYourSweet. com be liable for any consequential, incidental or direct damages suffered in the course of using the information in this book.

What is Meet Your Sweet? Your new life starts today. With MeetYourSweet.com, you get the ultimate toolkit to creating the success you crave in Life and Relationships. We know that you’ve got the smarts to take care of most areas of your life. So why should dating and relationships be any different? That’s why we here at MeetYourSweet.com take a life coach’s perspective to romance. We don’t want to give you a paint-by-numbers program or dumb down what it takes to master REAL success. Rather, our goal is to empower you by giving you the life skills that you need to achieve a complete personal and social transformation… …the kind that will have you feeling confident, secure, desirable, and powerful, no matter what challenge you face! We’ve done the research, and we know what works. Our non-manipulative approach harnesses capacities that everyone has within them. Whether you’re male or female, young or old, single or in a relationship, we can help you become the absolute best you can be at relating with the opposite sex. Just imagine it. Gone are the days of struggling to get a date. Gone are the days of struggling to keep someone attracted. Gone are the days of worrying about whether you’re good-looking enough, popular enough, or captivating enough to get attention from the opposite sex! With MeetYourSweet.com, you get expert advice from a team of the world’s greatest writers, life coaches, and counselors in the field of dating and relationships. Every Meet Your Sweet course includes collaborations with top names in the field. Our team of contributing authors includes our very own Slade Shaw and Mia Summers, as well as Amy Waterman from 000Relationships.com and Andrew Rusbatch from SaveMyMarriageToday.com. So kickstart your personal and social transformation with MeetYourSweet. com. We look forward to hearing how our courses have changed YOU! All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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Contents How to Double Commitment in Your Relationship

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Chapter 1.

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What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined

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Mutuality in Relationships Commitment Defined Spontaneity in Relationships

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Chapter 2.

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Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationship’s Commitment Level?

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1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning. 16 2. Increasing Commitment Out of Fear 18 3. Increasing Commitment Because the Relationship Is More “Real” That Way 20 The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment 22

Chapter 3.

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How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You?

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Communication Common Goals Bring Out the Best in Each Other Make Love an Action Word Balance “Me” Time with “We” Time

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All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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Chapter 4.

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Things That Don’t Help “Grow” Commitment

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1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner 2. Hint-Dropping 3. Don’t Let Things Slide

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Chapter 5.

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Commitment-Phobes: If They Won’t Commit, Are They Even Able To Commit?38 What to Do If Your Partner’s Having a Hard Time Committing

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Afterword

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From First Dates to Soul Mates

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How to Double Commitment by Mia Summers


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Chapter 1. What IS Commitment? Commitment Defined “Commitment” is a pretty big word, both in our society and in relationships at large. To commit to something literally means to pledge yourself to a position or an issue. A commitment is essentially a vow: a pact. When you commit to something, you pledge yourself to it and make your intentions absolutely clear. When it comes to commitment in terms of relationships, that definition tends to get a little blurred. Many people make the mistake of thinking that to be committed to something – like a relationship – there has to be an element of need present. In other words, there’s the idea that to be committed to someone, there needs to be some external factor present – like a mortgage, children, or a joint business – which links you to that person; e.g., you can’t be committed to them without needing to have them in your life. This is nonsense. Commitment in relationships is all about wants, not needs. Need and dependency are issues that are strongly similar. They’re interlinked. When you need someone, you’re essentially dependent on them for something, whether that something is financial resources, a self-esteem boost, emotional security, whatever. If you’re dependent on your partner, or you want them to be dependent on you – thinking, perhaps, that commitment is all about needing someone – that raises a red flag! In fact, dependency and commitment aren’t related at all. Dependency actually kills off genuine commitment. When you need someone, or you’re dependent on them, spontaneity doesn’t All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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even come into the question. Need is need, and there’s no element of choice about it – when needs, not wants, are the issue, words like “trapped,” “desperate,” and “stuck” come to mind. Commitment, on the other hand, is a spontaneous thing: a couple that are committed to one another have chosen to live in that manner because they want to, not because they have to. Remember that word: spontaneous. The element of choice – of spontaneity is very important to a good, strong, long-term relationship. Without choice, either one or both parties are bound to feel beholden to the other. Questions of inequality get called up. Resentment begins to grow. The concept of “need” naturally introduces an element of potential desperation, or fear, into the definition of a relationship: usually, fear that the source of that need will be taken away, and/or the fear of being powerless. We’ll discuss the issue of fear in greater detail later on. For now, I think it will suffice to leave you with an interesting quote that sums up my point perfectly. Ready? “The opposite of love is fear.” Take a second to think about it. Most people think that the opposite of love is hate – a strong, aggressive sensation of irrepressible loathing and disgust. I disagree. I think the opposite of love is fear, not hate. To me, love is all about equality: mutual power and the simultaneous absolute lack of power. That phrase may sound confusing the first time you read it, so take a moment to think about what I mean. All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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Mutuality in Relationships I’ll say it again: Love is all about equality: mutual power and the simultaneous absolute lack of power. Love is absolute, mutual trust: you’ve entrusted someone with absolute control over your heart, emotions, and life; you do so because you trust them. With genuine love, this is a mutual deal, hence the idea of power (you hold this person’s heart in your hands) combined with the absolute lack of it (since they’ve got your heart in their hands!). Fear, on the other hand, is all about inequality and powerlessness. Fear is an essential component of an unbalanced relationship – for example, a relationship where one person is less committed than the other. This lack of equality leaves the more-committed person feeling fear: fear that the other might leave them; fear that they’re being “taken for a ride”; fear that their heart will be broken. There’s nothing good to be found in fear; it’s an intensely negative, anxiety-ridden emotion. Nothing positive can come out of it.

“Fear and love cannot exist simultaneously.”

Fear is an unhealthy thing to associate with your relationship. It will kill off the love, if you allow it to, and replace it with resentment and deep-seated anxiety. Fear and love cannot exist simultaneously. If you’re scared of a possible consequence that might eventuate in relation to your partner or your relationship, then that fear will negatively affect your love. For example, let’s say that you feel that you need your partner, or that you depend on your partner, and you’re afraid that their level of commitment might be less than yours.


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Well, it’s pretty difficult to get truly comfortable, and allow your true self free reign, in a relationship where you’re constantly worrying about your partner’s commitment to you. The original, positive feelings that you had about the relationship (love, admiration, affection, security) are gradually replaced by negative ones (anxiety, fear, worry about the future, resentment for being made to feel that way). Do you see how, over time, this sort of thing will naturally lessen your love and your commitment to that relationship? It’s not anybody’s fault per se, but it’s a definite truth. Because how can you be truly, genuinely, effortlessly committed to a relationship which, directly or indirectly, spawns feelings of powerlessness, anxiety, and fear? Which leads me back to the original question: what is commitment?

“What is commitment?”


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Commitment Defined My definition of commitment is that it is something that evolves naturally and effortlessly out of true, balanced love, and open, honest communication. If two people in a relationship are being honest about themselves and their lives, and they’re capable of loving each other for who they really are, then commitment – the desire to stay together and support one another – will spring naturally from that love and honesty. When it comes to defining commitment, I’m going to ask you to remember two basic facts. 1. Commitment is not about need. Commitment is about wanting, not needing. Remember, need and dependency are interlinked. When you need someone – in the true sense of need, not just the ideal of poetic flattery – the element of fear is called up. 2. Remember that fear and love cannot exist simultaneously. When the emotion of fear is suggested in relation to your partner or your relationship, it negatively affects the level and quality of your love. So need engenders fear, which in turn kills off the love. Contrary to popular belief, need is the antithesis to commitment! Now put the shoe on the other foot. Just as commitment is not about you depending on your partner, it is also not about trying to get them to depend on you, either. Trying to get someone to need you, out of a desire to increase their ties to the relationship, or a fear that they might leave you, is deeply unhealthy. In fact, it’s almost parasitic. A true relationship – one that’s balanced, genuine, healthy, and loving – is based on mutual want, not need.

“Need engenders fear, which in turn kills off the love.”


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It doesn’t matter whether that need is one-sided or mutual: a relationship based on dependency is going to be unstable, no matter what else it has going for it. A good relationship is one where both partners are mutual in their spontaneous love and commitment to the other one. The two key words here are mutual and spontaneous. We’ve already talked about the importance of mutuality to a balanced relationship; so let’s take a quick look at the importance of spontaneity.

Spontaneity in Relationships Spontaneity, in a relationship, is about unrestrainedly experiencing emotion and affection. Unfortunately, some people – often, people who wish their partner to be more attached and committed to them – attempt to use strategies and techniques in an effort to increase their partner’s commitment to them. Effectively, they try to manipulate their partner’s feelings. Remember this: it is not your job to try to make anybody else feel anything. To try to do so is not only manipulative and reminiscent of self-deification (playing God, in other words), but it’s also pretty much impossible! I’ll say it again: You cannot make anyone feel anything. As this statement relates to commitment, it basically means that you cannot find ways to get someone to commit to you. Commitment is something that evolves organically, in its own way, when the time is right. It can’t be sped along, or helped along the way, or forced into existence, by any manipulative efforts on anyone’s behalf.


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To increase your partner’s genuine love and commitment to you, all you can do is to be as whole, compassionate, and authentic as you can be: to be your real, honest self, and to refrain from manipulative behavior. For example, some women might go to huge efforts to dress sexually and spend a great deal of time and effort on their hair, nails, and makeup, because they feel that if they look attractive, their partner will “reciprocate” with an engagement ring. Another example might be the person who agrees to sign a mortgage on a house with their partner, because they know that that mortgage means that their partner “has to” stay with them until it’s been paid off.

“It is not your job to try to make anybody else feel anything.”

This idea of reciprocity – of doing things in order to get something out of it – is unhealthy in the extreme. Commitment is not about manipulation; it’s not about doing things to get something out of it. Trying to force someone to depend on you, in a hope that it will increase their commitment to the relationship, is more likely to result in resentment than anything else. Manipulation will not help the relationship, or you as a person; it’ll just drive the other person away. True commitment develops without pressure or force. These things kill commitment off, not foster its growth. Commitment can only develop naturally: the best environment for it to grow is one of peace and trust. Something else for you to think about (warning: this may shake you up a little bit), is that if you feel as though you have to scheme, plan, and strategize ways to convince your partner that you’re fabulous and worth committing to, that’s actually not a good sign.


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I am NOT going to provide you with a program for getting someone to commit to you, because – like I’ve already said – nothing you can do will make anyone increase their commitment. Instead, I am going to supply you with information about your own motives for wanting to increase the commitment levels in the first place. We’ll then take a look at how likely your partner is to commit to you in the long run; and finally, give you ideas for improving the overall quality and health of your relationship – because commitment springs naturally from a healthy, loving relationship, not because you’ve followed an “X-Y-Z” formula. If you do feel as though you need to figure out techniques for getting your partner to be more committed to you, well, that could mean one of two things: 1. This person is not a likely candidate for commitment to anyone right now, or 2. This person, and your relationship with this person, may actually not be the best choice for you at the moment. We’ll deal with this concept in more detail in Chapter Four, but in the meantime, it’s just something that I’d like you to bear in mind for now. Don’t reject it outright, and don’t embrace it wholeheartedly quite yet either; just put it into a holding pattern in a quiet corner of your mind, and we’ll discuss it further later on in this book. And now, let’s take a look at the reasons that you have for wanting to increase the commitment level of your relationship in the first place. Examining your motives will enable you to take the best course of action, and should yield some useful knowledge about your relationship, too!

“It is not your job to try to make anybody else feel anything.”


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Chapter 2. Why Do You Want to Increase Your Relationship’s Commitment Level? It’s always a good idea to examine your motives for anything you do – particularly, your motives for the actions you take which relate to your relationship. Often, in matters of the heart (like love), we take action to resolve things that we see as problems, without really thinking about why we’re doing it. Sometimes, this habit of blindly following instinct and desire can lead us down the wrong path. Perhaps we end up perpetuating a situation that isn’t really good for us, or we end up spending a lot of time and energy in chasing goals that we haven’t really considered in the long run. In addition to the merits of motive-consideration in terms of getting us to think about whether or not what we think we want is actually what we want, it can also yield a lot of information about the relationship that you’re trying to work on. Your reasons for trying to increase the commitment levels in your relationship can tell you a lot about the weak points of that relationship, or areas that could do with some improvement. It’s a valuable way of taking inventory of the overall health of your relationship. So what do you think your reasons are for wanting to increase the commitment level of your relationship? There are three common reasons for wishing to increase commitment levels in a relationship, which we’re going to look at now.


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1. Increasing Commitment Due to Cultural Conditioning. One of the most common reasons for feeling a need to increase the relationship’s commitment levels is something called cultural conditioning. Our society conditions people – women in particular, but men almost as much – to believe that if they’re not married, or if their partner doesn’t want to marry them (or otherwise openly demonstrate their solid commitment to a long-term relationship), then their situation must be somehow lacking in some important and necessary qualities. Their relationship must somehow be inferior. They believe that if that relationship proceeds for a certain amount of time without a concrete move towards real, tangible commitment – usually, a wedding ring - that they’re somehow missing out on something. Another common reaction is to take from the situation that there must be something wrong with them personally – that they’re undesirable, or “not marriage material”, or that they have an unattractive personality. If this is the case with you, I suggest that you take a deep look inside and consider your motives for wanting to get married in the first place.

“Often, in matters of the heart (like love), we take action to resolve things that we see as problems, without really thinking about why we’re doing it.”

Why is it so important to you to get married? Is it for reasons of self-esteem: that you’d somehow feel better about yourself if you had a ring on your finger, or the piece of paper that proves you’re married? Is it for reasons of financial security? Is it for the promise of “forever”? Or perhaps you just feel like the relationship is stuck in a superficial, unsatisfying rut, and that a proposal of marriage would help to mix things up a bit and make the relationship more satisfying.


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Unfortunately, there’s a bit of an issue here. Statements of commitment, like marriage, are just that: outward statements of an inner truth. If those outward statements have been coaxed into being by pressure from you (for example, hinting, nagging, asking outright), or are birthed out of falseness (for example, if you manipulated a higher level of commitment into being), then that outward statement will be shallow and meaningless.

“Why not just relax and enjoy your wonderful relationship?”

Like commitment itself, for gestures of commitment – like a marriage proposal – to signify a real move towards healthy, long-term commitment, they must be genuine and spontaneous. I’ll say it again – if you feel as though you’ve got to manipulate someone into seeing that you are “the one” for them, then you need to be aware that the very necessity of those manipulations signifies that that relationship is probably not the best one for you.

Let’s look at it from another perspective. Let’s say your relationship is great – the two of you get along fabulously, you love each other, and you know you want to be with each other for a long time. Well, in that case, then what’s the rush? Why not just relax and enjoy your wonderful relationship? Being married isn’t going to change anything, or make your relationship somehow “more”. If that happenstance evolves naturally and organically in its own time, then that’s great – but it’s not something that can be forced into being. Remember the importance of spontaneity! For a gesture of commitment to be worth anything at all, it needs to spring spontaneously from a balanced relationship. When I say balanced, I mean that both people in that relationship need to be in accordance with each other that this level of commitment and this relationship is definitely what they want.


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If either person is uncertain – to any degree at all – then the meaning of that gesture (like a marriage proposal) is automatically cancelled out. Remember, the state of being married isn’t the end you’re aiming for here – it’s the state of being which encourages the growth of the relationship into marriage. What I mean is this: the ring on your finger isn’t your ultimate goal. It’s merely a symbol that that ultimate goal – a balanced, healthy, mutual relationship – has been achieved.

“Remember the importance of spontaneity!”

So if a proposal of marriage has been coaxed into existence by either member of the relationship, instead of being something that’s just evolved naturally, then there’s a problem; because inequality naturally signifies instability in a relationship, and that’s bad news for everyone concerned. So, no matter what your situation is – whether you’re trying to fix an unbalanced relationship, or whether you’re trying to get some sort of commitment-trophy out of an already-satisfying relationship – trying to force commitment isn’t the answer to your problems.

2. Increasing Commitment Out of Fear Another really common reason for wanting to increase the commitment level of the relationship is because you’re afraid that your partner may leave you. The key word in this sentence is afraid. Now, we’ve already spent a fair amount of time discussing why fear and love/ commitment are mutually exclusive, so we’ll just briefly touch on this here. Fear engenders the sort of panicky desperation that actually drives people away. If you hold on too tight, you end up smothering your partner. Do you think that being suffocated will make them want to hold on to you tighter?


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NO! It makes them want to struggle out of your embrace and flee for the hills in the opposite direction. Remember: a relationship that’s based on fear is unstable. The only way to really get around this fear is to learn to embrace the present moment. This might sound a little simplistic – “Oh, sure, like that’ll work.” But trust me: simple is good. Simple works! There are few guarantees in life. There is certainly never any guarantee that your partner will stick with you forever – not even if they’ve said that they will.

“A relationship that’s based on fear is unstable.”

Not even if you’ve got a ring on your finger. Not even if they’ve signed a legally-binding document promising to do so. Not even if they’ve got your name tattooed onto their body!

To get over this fear, you really do need to learn to find peace in the present moment. Time spent seeking the goal, striving for that achievement, trying to “get somewhere” in your relationship is essentially wasted time. If you’re afraid that your partner’s going to leave you, then you need to sit down with them and have an honest talk with them about it. Even if you get them to make some sort of verbal commitment to you, that still won’t cancel out the truth that – for whatever reason – your gut instincts are telling you that something’s off. After all, if you were completely secure and relaxed, you wouldn’t feel as though you needed to extract commitment from your partner. You’d already sense that they were committed to you, and would be content with things as they are.


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So: if you’re afraid that they might leave you, you need to take steps to address that issue with your partner. It’s not something that you can “fix” by playing mind-games and attempting to manipulate them into increasing their commitment to you; you need to talk to your partner about your feelings and give them the information they need to take care of you. We’ll talk more about how to communicate openly, assertively, and honestly in Chapter Three (“How Likely Is Your Partner To Commit?”).

3. Increasing Commitment Because the Relationship Is More “Real” That Way Sometimes, people wish to intensify the commitment level of their relationship out of a desire to get to the “real” part of the relationship. Not out of fear that their partner will leave, or out of boredom, or a need for change; simply out of a desire to rush through the initial stages of the relationship to get to “the good stuff”. Again, if this is the case with your own relationship, I suggest that you slow … right … down. No stage of the relationship is any more “real” than the other stages – the early days are just as important, fulfilling, and satisfying, as the later, more ostensibly “committed” stages. You’re not going to gain anything by hoping to speed the process up somehow – think of your growing relationship like a house being built. Every house needs a solid foundation, a sound infrastructure, and carefully constructed walls and supports before it is safe to live in. If your house’s construction is being rushed – if corners are being cut, a slipshod job’s being done on the basics of the structure, important steps are being hurried or skipped altogether – then that house will never be safe to live in.

“It could come collapsing down around you at any moment.”

You might end up with the outward semblance of a house faster than you otherwise would have, but in reality, that house isn’t safe.


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It could come collapsing down around you at any moment. By rushing through the early stages of your relationship, you’re exchanging the time that you’ve “saved” by cutting corners for at least an equal expenditure of time further down the track. Even though you might feel as though you’ve achieved something by hurrying ahead and “saving time”, such rushing does not bode well for the future. Essentially, you’ve exchanged some time right now, for a lot of time in the future! At some point in the future – and likely, at many points in the future - you’re going to need to invest time, energy, and effort in identifying and repairing the damage to your house that’s occurred as a direct result of hurrying through the basic construction process. It could come collapsing down around you at any moment. you’re laying the foundations for your future. The foundations are vitally important to the structure that you’re going to end up with in the long term – they’re not something you should rush! Remember, just because you’ve got a ring on your finger, or because somebody says that they’ll stick with you forever, or because you’ve got a marriage contract on paper, that doesn’t mean that anything about your relationship is going to change. The belief that it will is nothing but a harmful myth. The truth: genuine, lasting, meaningful commitment cannot be rushed. It has to grow on its own, in an environment of mutual trust and love. Anything else, and the end result will be nothing but a shallow sham. So relax, slow down, and learn to embrace the moment – enjoy the current moment as it exists right now, both for yourself, and for the long-term health of your relationship.

“It could come collapsing down around you at any moment.”


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The Best Reason for Wanting To Increase Commitment So we’ve looked at all the wrong reasons for why most people want to increase the commitment levels of their relationship. We’ve looked at why fear isn’t a valid reason; why the desire for change isn’t a good reason; and why using commitment to validate the relationship isn’t a good reason, either. So what is a good reason? Well – isn’t it obvious? The best reason for wanting to increase the commitment level in your relationship is love. When you truly love someone, you’re naturally committed to them emotionally. You want to put in the effort. You want to stay with this person, because life just feels better and more enjoyable when the two of you are together. You want to “grow” your relationship – you’re naturally interested in increasing and improving the quality and depth of your communication and interpersonal honesty, and you want to be the best partner that you can be to this person.

“The best reason for wanting to increase the commitment level in your relationship is love.”

So how can you increase the love levels – and, as a natural offshoot of that love, the commitment levels – in your relationship? We’ll find out in the next chapter.


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Chapter 3. How Likely Is Your Partner to Commit To You? How likely do you feel your partner is to commit to you? How solid do you feel that your connection is? Can you see your relationship lasting in the long term? These aren’t easy questions to answer. A technique that might make it a little simpler for you is to consider the relationship from your partner’s point of view. What qualities and good points do you bring to the relationship that would make them want to stick around (as opposed to needing to stick around)? Taking the wants-versus-needs point into account, reasons like, “We have a mortgage together,” “The children need their mom/dad,” and “The family business would fail if we separated,” are not valid points – because they’re centered around your partner needing you, not wanting you. The aim of this exercise is to consider the reasons that your partner would choose, of their own free will, to be with you. In the long run, those reasons are the ones that will help to determine whether or not the two of you will stay together in the long run. It may help you to start off by making a list of the good things about your relationship that you both enjoy, or that you know your partner particularly enjoys.

“Consider the reasons that your partner would choose, of their own free will, to be with you.”

As a sample list, here are some of the points that you might think of:

You make your partner feel good just by being around you.

They feel that you value and cherish them.

You bring out their best qualities: when they’re around you, they All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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feel like a “better version” of themselves.

You have fun together.

You have great sex.

You support one another.

Life seems better and more enjoyable when you’re together than it does when you’re apart.

Obviously, this is just a sample list. If none of these things seem to apply to yourself or to your relationship, perhaps you’ve got other ways of making your partner feel good about themselves. Or, perhaps you just need to put a little more work into the relationship in order to create some valid reasons for your partner to stick around, and to increase the quality and depth of the bond between the two of you! Here are some ideas for doing just that.

Communication Communication is the number-one most important part of any healthy, balanced, committed relationship. Being a good communicator is all to do with being honest and authentic about who you are, and what you believe and feel. If you can’t communicate your own truths to your partner – if you are deliberately withholding aspects of your personality, or you’re not giving them the whole story about your wants and desires, your opinions, your thoughts, and your personality - then how can they ever get to know you properly? And if they can’t get to know you properly, for who you really are, how can they ever love you properly – or commit to the person that you really are? Being honest and communicative is the best recipe for a good relationship,


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hands-down. One particular aspect of communication that many people struggle with is being honest about things they feel may result in a conflict of ideas or opinions. Conflict is something that many people shy away from. Because it’s such a taboo issue to so many couples, issues and disagreements get bottled up inside, or buried beneath other issues, or simply ignored because it’s “easier” that way. This is like sounding the death knell of your relationship. First of all, if you aren’t capable of being honest with your partner, then you have to ask yourself what kind of a bond you actually have; and second of all, bottling things up inside doesn’t mean they’ve been taken care of. It just means that they’ll erupt out, in an emotional explosion, when you least expect it – and the increased pressure and significance that you’ve added to the issue by not talking about it will likely mean that that eruption, when it comes, will be twisted out of all reasonable proportion.

“The trick to it is to create a safe environment of honesty and truthful communication.”

It’s not always easy to be honest with someone, especially if you feel that what you should say may challenge them, or may make them feel as though you’re provoking them. It’s really important to communicate to your partner your need for the type of environment where you and your partner promise to talk to each other if something’s up – and that you’ll each actively listen to, and really hear, what it is that your partner has to say. You need to be able to talk to each other without fear of judgment or condemnation – to be able to air your personal truths without having to censor your thoughts or “watch your tongue”. Good communication isn’t about attacking the other person, or about telling them that they’re wrong. Of course, disagreement is a natural part of any All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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relationship, romantic or not; but it doesn’t have to be dealt with as a “fight” or an “argument”. Good communication is about being honest and truthful moment-tomoment throughout your relationship. Contrary to popular opinion, it is actually possible to express conflicting opinions in a non-threatening, non-aggressive, peaceful and loving way.

“Good communication is about being honest and truthful moment-to-moment throughout your relationship.”

If you disagree with your partner, it doesn’t have to spell the end of the world – you can air your opinions and disagreement without creating “a situation”. When you express your disagreement, it doesn’t mean you’re devaluing your partner or their opinion; it’s simply about expressing your own personal truth of how you feel at the present moment, and asking them, in return, how they feel about it. It’s a simple exchange of truths.

Ultimately, the greatest thing you can do for your partner and your relationship is to commit to growing the relationship, as well as your partner’s own spiritual and emotional development, and their knowledge of you as a person. You do this by committing yourself to communicating – even the hard stuff, even if you think it’ll challenge them. True, meaningful communication is the ultimate sign of commitment from you, the ultimate sign that you respect and care for your partner, and is the best thing you can to towards contributing to an environment of caring, loving, respectful commitment.

Common Goals Couples who have goals in common are almost always much more committed to one another than couples who have separate life orientations. What do the two of you have in common?


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You may not have reached the point in your relationship where you’re comfortable having The Talk just yet. (For those of you that are unaware of what The Talk is, it’s the one that centers around the question, “where is this relationship going?” It’s where you discuss the life goals and achievements you each have in mind, and think about the degree of compatibility that those goals have with each other. Incidentally, it’s generally a sign of at least moderate commitment if you’re both comfortable even having this chat.) If neither you nor your partner is comfortable having The Talk just yet, don’t feel as though you have to add to the emotional pressure of the situation by forcing them into an intense conversation. You can bring up the matter gently and without creating a sense of urgency or obligation, or injecting too much meaning into what’s essentially just a casual chat about the kinds of things you both want to do with your lives. All you have to do is mention some things you’d like to do in the next six months, or year, or five years – however far ahead it is you’re thinking here – and see if your partner has thought about what they might be interested in doing, and whether or not their goals might be in line with yours to any extent. Tip: it helps to have a variety of goals for a variety of periods in your life. For example, you might want to run a marathon together in the next six months (or take a camping holiday, or go on a road trip around the country, or spend a long weekend in a different city); you might want to take a trip to India in the next 12 months (or go on safari in Africa, or go bungee-jumping, or get your qualifications for scuba-diving); you both might be interested in property purchases in the next five years; and so on.

“Common goals and interests constitute a large part of the emotional glue that binds happy couples together”

Please don’t be alarmed by this – I’m not necessarily suggesting that you


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make plans to do these things together, especially if you don’t feel that your relationship is up to that sort of long-term planning! I’m merely suggesting that you have a few casual conversations about the matter of the future, just to scope out whether your general desires and hopes coincide at all. This will help to give you some sort of idea where your partner might think the relationship is going, and will help you to both sort out your understanding of what the future might hold for both of you. If your goals are very different, it will help to plan out together some things you can achieve together that you’re both interested in doing. Common goals and interests constitute a large part of the emotional glue that binds happy couples together – if commitment’s an issue, you could start out small, perhaps with a trip that you’d like to take in the next six months. If thinking six months ahead is too much commitment, start really small – say, a weekend getaway sometime soon. You could plan it around the kinds of things that you’re both interested – or, if you really don’t share any interests at all, you could each pick a variety of pastimes from each other’s “hobby-basket” and get involved in the ones that you think sound the most interesting.

“Discuss the life goals and achievements you each have in mind.”

It’s a great way to bring you closer together – the more experiences, goals, and interests that you share, the easier it will be for commitment to just fall naturally into place.

Bring Out the Best in Each Other Bring out the best in your partner. Appreciate their good points, and make sure you tell them that you do! Remember, commitment springs naturally out of love – and it’s much easier to love someone who makes you feel really good about yourself. Supporting and appreciating each other is what love’s all about. Is your partner funny? Don’t hold your laughter back – allow yourself to


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wallow in their humor and let the belly-laughter roll. Are they sweet? Tell them that they are, and how much you appreciate it. Perhaps they have a knack for making you feel better after a hard day – if so, make sure they know what a difference their support makes to you! Don’t be stingy with your compliments and appreciation, and don’t be afraid to tell them that they make you happy. Coming across as committed and enthusiastic in the relationship yourself is one of the best ways for fostering an environment of commitment.

Make Love an Action Word Express your love for your partner through actions as well as words. Do they look tired or stressed? Give them a back rub. If you know they’re coming home late from work on a particular night, you might decide to put your own appetite on hold and cook them a delicious meal for you both to enjoy together when they arrive home.

“Don’t be stingy with your compliments and appreciation.”

Leave a Post-It note on the steering wheel of their car or the cover of the book they’re reading, telling them how much they mean to you. Actions speak much louder than words. There’s no need to do anything overblown or super-extravagant: just a few small actions every now and then to bring a smile to their face will be more than sufficient to encourage the growth of love and commitment.

Balance “Me” Time with “We” Time Retain your individuality, and allow your partner to maintain theirs.


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Maintaining your own sense of self, as well as an interest in all the things that make you you, is really important for your own happiness, as well as for the health and longevity of your relationship. When the boundaries of your individual personalities begin to blur and blend in with each other (which is actually a relatively common phenomenon for couples who spend a great deal of time together), the quality of time spent together tends to decrease. For example, many couples that move in together begin to find, after a few months have passed, that they’re spending more time together than ever before, but that the quality of that time has diminished markedly. Although they spend a lot of time together, most of that time is occupied in low-value activities like “hanging out” with a takeout and the TV, instead of actually interacting with one another. This is a good example of quantity time, as opposed to quality time. A great way to increase the amount of quality time spent together is – believe it or not – to actually spend a bit more time apart, doing your own thing. “Me time” is just as important as “we time” when it comes to happy couplehood – you need to take the time to nourish and nurture your own spirit, and take some time for yourself away from your partner. This also relates to the issue of not smothering your partner. Just like you, your partner needs “me time.” They need to be allowed to have the opportunity to enjoy and maintain their identity as an individual, and to do things on their own. Not only is making a point of taking “me-time” a powerful tool for creating much-needed space and individuality in the relationship, but it also ties in to the truth of that old adage, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder!” Giving them the opportunity for moderate amounts of time apart is a sign of


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real maturity – you’re mature and self-aware enough to give them the gift of missing you. Ensuring that each of you has access to adequate “me-time” will help you to achieve several things:

It will help you to redefine yourself as a person, and maintain your individual identity – which is essential to keeping a fresh, healthy perspective on your relationship, and on life in general

It will give you the time necessary to enjoy the things that you like doing (that your partner doesn’t necessarily share your enthusiasm for), thus keeping your interests and your life wellbalanced and full

It will add spice to the conversation and increase the conversational options available to you both – you’ll both have more energy and more things to talk about

It will increase your mutual desire to spend quality time together when you do see each other, instead of just “chilling out” in tracksuits on the couch 24/7. Having fun together, not just downtime, is essential for long-term happiness: the couple that plays together, stays together.

“Having fun together, not just down-time, is essential for long-term happiness: the couple that plays together, stays together.”


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Chapter 4. Things That Don’t Help “Grow” Commitment Insecurity in a relationship is a common desire to increase a partner’s level of commitment. We want to cover our backs, and make sure that we don’t have to go out on a limb any more than we have to – our hearts are valuable, after all, and nobody wants to be needlessly reckless with theirs! But sometimes, this desire to increase our partner’s commitment to us leads us to do strange things. Things that actually end up driving them away, rather than bringing them closer to us. Many of these actions come naturally to us – without making a conscious effort to examine our actions and think about how they might be coming across to our partner, we’d never have a clue that we were acting in a lessthan-productive manner. That’s why it’s really important to keep an eye on your levels of self-absorption when it comes to your relationship. You must always take the time to think about how you’re acting from your partner’s point of view to ensure a healthy balance of your desires versus their desires.

“You must always take the time to think about how you’re acting from your partner’s point of view.”

In this chapter, we’re going to take a look at some of the mistakes that people in relationships most commonly make when they’re trying to increase the commitment level of the relationship.

1. Inadvertently Suffocating Your Partner Someone who’s insecure in a relationship finds it very difficult to just sit back, relax, and let the relationship grow on its own. They feel compelled to try to control the relationship and their partner’s feelings, to check up on it all the time to make sure – absolutely sure – that nothing could be wrong.


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It’s almost obsessive, in some cases – some people admit to feeling as though they can’t take their attention off the relationship for even a moment, in case something goes wrong while their back’s turned. This is pretty understandable – after all, we all want to take the best care possible of the things that mean the most to us. But smothering a relationship and taking care of it are not the same thing! If you find yourself constantly checking with your partner to make sure everything’s OK, that they’re happy in the relationship, that they’re content with the way things are going, and that nothing’s wrong, you may feel as though you’re making an effort to keep things on the right track. This may be your reality; but it’s definitely not reality for your partner or the relationship itself! What you’re actually doing, when you do this, is telling your partner that you expect something to be wrong – that you have no faith in the relationship, and in your natural connection with each other, to take care of itself. You’re saying that you feel like you’re not naturally suited to each other, and that you feel like your love needs constant caretaking in order to survive. Demonstrating such insecurity and neediness is not a good way to increase your partner’s commitment levels to the relationship. Instead of suffocating your partner with demands for emotional reinforcement, you need to relax and allow them to just be – give them some space, and have some trust in your connection, attraction, and love for each other.

“Smothering a relationship and taking care of it are not the same thing!”


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2. Hint-Dropping Being indirect and dropping hints about issues that are important to you is not a constructive way to handle communication. It’s quite child-like, in fact. If you’re guilty of hint-dropping, you may not see it as child-like: you may see it as the safest way to get your point across. But your partner doesn’t see it that way! Being indirect about meaningful things (like commitment, for example) is an incredibly frustrating way to get a point across.

“Most people appreciate honesty and directness.”

It’s hard on both of you, in fact. It’s irritating and frustrating for your partner, who can often tell that something’s up (but can’t understand exactly what it is that you want); and it makes things difficult for you, because you’re trying to communicate something and it’s not getting across properly. Most people appreciate honesty and directness. It takes a certain amount of moral stamina, as well as self-esteem and confidence, to be capable of candor on subjects that are important to you – but it’s a sign of respect to the person you’re communicating with. If you want your partner to commit to you, then show them your respect and your love for them through your actions: articulate your thoughts openly, instead of attempting to manipulate your partner through game-playing.

3. Don’t Let Things Slide Be wary of actions that harm your relationship. When you’re comfortable with someone, it’s relatively commonplace to “let your personality slide” a little bit – to let aspects of your character show that you wouldn’t have dreamed of showing when you’d first started dating.


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Maybe you get grumpy when you’re tired, and instead of making an effort to smile and be pleasant – and thus counteract your grumpiness in a productive, albeit more effortful, way - you take it out on your partner, and vent your feelings by being snappy and crotchety. Perhaps you’ve taken to nagging your partner – asking repetitively for them to change aspects of their behavior or habits, and failing to change your methods when the nagging proves itself to be useless as a modification tool. Or do you criticize your partner more often than you realize? Maybe you find fault with them a little too often, and are a little too eager to articulate your findings. There are many ways of bringing a relationship down from the inside, and they don’t all have to be extravagant, large-scale events – often, they’re the insidious daily occurrences which simply erode away your enjoyment in each other’s company. Be aware that these sorts of things actively harm your relationship, and destroy the bond of love and trust between you and your partner. The sooner you cut them out, the better. Think about why you might be doing these things: often, these sorts of behaviors are more about petty, unarticulated resentments manifesting themselves than a real desire to, say, criticize your partner’s unwashed hair/penchant for TV watching over breakfast/odd socks.

“There are many ways of bringing a relationship down from the inside.”

Again, it all boils down to communication. I normally advocate that, if you notice yourself doing these things, you show your partner that you respect and care about him or her by acknowledging that you’ve been behaving in this way, and telling them that you’re making efforts to change that behavior.

Or perhaps you’re on the receiving end of this sort of treatment? If that’s the case, it’s definitely your responsibility to communicate your dissatisfaction to your partner pronto, before it becomes a major issue! Again, it’s really important that you don’t let resentments build up – this is a natural destroyer of true commitment and love. You need to learn to talk All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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about your feelings openly and honestly: assertively, but without aggression. If something that your partner’s doing is bothering you, make sure that you tell them that it does. Don’t make the mistake of hoping that it’ll all just somehow go away on its own – that your partner will magically just stop doing it, or that you’ll learn to “deal” with the negative feelings without needing to talk about it. They won’t; and you won’t. Resentments tend to linger and self-magnify if they’re not quickly rooted out and addressed through simple communication.

“This approach is going to almost guarantee you a sympathetic ear!”

This isn’t something that has to be a big deal – there’s no need for sweaty palms or a dry mouth. Even if you’re nervous about confrontation (even the kind of mild, assertive-not-aggressive confrontation that we’re talking about here), just remember this: the more honest you are, the less hurt you’ll cause.

What I mean by this is quite simple: all you have to do is break down for your partner what you’re thinking and feeling. You don’t need to just blast them with a complete, out-of-the-blue announcement that their behavior’s been bothering you. You can warm up to it by explaining that there’s something you’d like to address, and that you’re a little nervous/flustered because you don’t want to cause offense. Then, you can explain that you’d like to make a habit of being as open and honest as possible, so you’re trying to overcome your natural reluctance to directly address potential issues. After that, you can bring up the issue, whatever it is. This approach is going to almost guarantee you a sympathetic ear! Prefacing these kinds of statements with an admission of your own vulnerability really takes the sting out your following words, and helps your partner to view your words objectively – meaning they’re that much more likely to take your request on board, and act on it. All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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Ultimately, the solution to any problem in your relationship is communication. Communicating effectively isn’t always easy – it takes time to get comfortable with addressing important issues, and with wording your statements in such a way that your partner is able to understand your true meaning without getting bogged down by personal subtexts. Your persistence will definitely pay off, though – the best thing you can do to engender commitment in your relationship is to commit yourself to the wellbeing of the relationship and of your partner. In the truest sense of the word, commitment is about respecting your partner enough to be honest and authentic with them. This will enable you both to be your truest, most honest selves, and to love each other for who you really are – meaning that you can give each other the love, encouragement, and support that you both need to feel and act your best.

“Commitment is about respecting your partner enough to be honest and authentic with them.”


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Chapter 5. Commitment-Phobes: If They Won’t Commit, Are They Even Able To Commit? From time to time, you will probably come across people that it will be difficult to increase the commitment level and value of the relationship with, no matter how much time, energy, and effort is invested. Several of my own personal friends have made the mistake of attempting relationships with these sorts of people – despite the warning signs, they went ahead and committed their emotions and energy to trying to change someone’s personal truth as it existed in the present moment. I’m sure you can recognize these sorts of people when your friends and associates are attempting relations with them – they’re easy to spot, from an objective distance. But when it’s happening to you – when it’s your heart and your emotions at risk – perversely, it’s often actually more difficult to realize what’s going on. So we’re going to take a quick look at the types of people who it’s not a good idea to get involved with; then, we’ll deal briefly with what to do if you’re already involved, and it’s your own partner who’s having a hard time committing.

“If you aren’t open with your partner about what you’re true feelings, you’re admitting defeat.”


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Here are some of the warning signs of people who you should stay away from if it’s commitment that you’re after:

People who are “just out to have fun” and who tell you that they’re not interested in a relationship (for whatever reason). Do not make the mistake of assuming that you can get them to change their mind about this: if they’re definite enough to about their stance on the topic to be up-front about it, pay attention and believe them. Two words: caveat emptor!

People who are with you because they have “settled.” In other words, they don’t believe they can do any better. They may have reservations and misgivings about the relationship, but they’re afraid (at the present moment, anyway) to try for what they really want. You’ll never be able to relax with this sort of person, because you know deep down that the moment something or someone “better” comes along, they’ll take off like a shot.

People who are depending on you for something. It doesn’t matter what it is – financial resources, a place to say, a job, for selfesteem reasons, anything. A relationship based on dependency is always going to be wildly unstable and unpredictable – remember, dependency fosters resentment, which kills off the love.

People in a transitional phase of their lives, whose life is undergoing a major change. Specifically, I’m talking about people who have just ended, or who are in the process of ending, a serious relationship. Obviously, there are always exceptions to the rule, but in the vast majority of cases, someone whose life has just turned a big corner doesn’t even know themselves what direction they’re going to head in next – which makes committing themselves to a new relationship pretty difficult, and pretty unlikely.


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What to Do If Your Partner’s Having a Hard Time Committing If you’re already involved with someone who seems to be having reservations about commitment, it’s not going to be of much use to you knowing the sorts of people you should avoid. It’s too late for that – you’re already involved! So what should you do about it? How can you recoup the situation and minimize any potential pain or misunderstanding? Basically, you are going to have to talk to your partner about the situation and your feelings. Some reluctance to do this is understandable – you may feel as though articulating your feelings will cause them to run in the opposite direction. After all, if you think they’re a commitment-phobe, then so much as mentioning the word “commitment” will have an adverse effect, right?

“You’re not being true to yourself, and thus you’re also not being true to your partner.”

Well … maybe. But, in truth, it sounds as though you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I think the best thing for you to do is to confront the issue – and you can start by acknowledging, to yourself, the fact that you feel as though there may be a problem. Let’s look at this rationally here. Your options are:

To be honest about what you’re thinking to yourself and to your partner.

To acknowledge to yourself what you’re thinking and feeling, but remain silent about it to your partner.

To pretend to yourself and your partner that there’s no problem.

Well, it already sounds as though Option #3 isn’t actually an option for you (since you’re reading this book, for a start!), so let’s look at the relative merits of t Options #1 and #2.


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We’ll look at Option #2 first. If you aren’t open with your partner about what you’re true feelings, you’re admitting defeat. You’re saying, “Yes, I know there’s no hope here. I know that I can’t tell my partner what I’m thinking, because my true feelings are the complete opposite of what he or she wants to hear. I’m going to pretend to myself for a little bit longer (or a lot longer) that everything’s fine, and that I’m happy to be in an undefined, uncommitted relationship, because to me that’s better than no relationship at all.” Can you see how that kind of relationship isn’t really a relationship at all? A relationship that’s based on emotional dishonesty and concealment doesn’t have much of an opportunity to grow.

“Don’t smile and pretend to yourself that everything’s OK if you know it’s not.”

You’re not being true to yourself, and thus you’re also not being true to your partner: you’re presenting a halfimage of yourself to them. You’re not giving them the full story. In the short run, this may be something that you’re content with; but how long do you think you’ll be able to keep up the façade for? You’ll probably be able to stick it out for awhile – after all, if you really like or even love this person, you’ll make an effort to keep things going – but eventually, your feelings are going to get the better of you.

And you know what happens when feelings get bottled up – the result is an eruption. An unexpected, inconvenient, and unattractive eruption. One that’s far less attractive, and far less effective, than simply addressing your thoughts and emotions now, while they’re still manageable. So that’s option two. Now let’s look at option one: the one where you’re honest about what you’re thinking to yourself, and to your partner. This is probably the most emotionally challenging option to choose, because you are putting yourself in a position of vulnerability. All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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If you’ve sensed that there’s a lack of certainty in your partner’s commitment to you and the relationship, bringing up the fact that you’ve noticed that lack is strongly counterintuitive: it goes against your instincts. Your instincts are probably telling you to procrastinate: to go with option two or three, because they’re easier and you have less chance of scaring your partner off that way. And I’ll be honest with you – if your partner is a commitment-phobe, there is a chance that he or she may actually be frightened away by you mentioning your thoughts and feelings on this matter. Obviously, you don’t want this to happen: you love, or at least like, your partner, and want the relationship to last. But a relationship in which you cannot rely on your partner’s commitment to you is not a real relationship. It’s a sham – and one that’s placing an unwelcome, and certainly unfair, emotional burden on you. If you’re being forced to pretend that you’re content to be in a relationship with someone who’s being evasive about the emotional energy and time they’re willing to commit to that relationship, then that’s not a healthy situation. It’s going to make you unhappy, even while you’re pretending to yourself that you’re better off in this relationship. Don’t smile and pretend to yourself that everything’s OK if you know it’s not – you have a right (and, actually, it could be argued that you owe it to yourself and the relationship that you claim to be committed to) to be honest here. Things can’t possibly get any better unless you lay all your cards on the table, and request that your partner does the same. The fact remains: honesty is the best policy. Remember, you don’t have to make a huge big deal out of your feelings – remember how we discussed, in Chapter Three, how to have a low-key conversation with your partner about mutual goals and interests?


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“Being true to yourself is a really important part of being a happy person.”

Those same principles can be applied here. Don’t put too much pressure on your partner: you want to strike the right balance of awareness of their potential uncertainty, and honesty about your own feelings and needs. So don’t come right out and pin them to the wall with a statement of neediness and insecurity; but on the other hand, don’t beat around the bush either (remembering that candor and directness are necessary for respect and love to flourish). A simple, “This is how I feel at the moment. How do you feel about that?” will suffice admirably. Emotional honesty in itself is a major step in and of itself towards commitment. It signifies that not only do you respect your partner enough to be honest about a difficult topic, but that you yourself are mature enough to hold up your end of the bargain in a proper, committed relationship. Being true to yourself is a really important part of being a happy person, and being a good, committed partner – you need to be firm about what you need and expect out of a relationship. There are two possible outcomes from the conversation that you will have with your partner, if you pick option number one: either they will reassure you and lay your feelings to rest, or they will confirm your suspicions that they’re not ready to commit. If the former is true, then that’s wonderful and you’ve got nothing to worry about. If the latter is true, then that’s going to be difficult for you to hear – but, at the risk of sounding infuriatingly optimistic, think how terrible it would have been if you’d waited to have this conversation. If you’d procrastinated and put it off, think how much time you could have wasted pretending to yourself that everything was OK!


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“Don’t put too much pressure on your partner.”

Be sure that you don’t blame yourself for “initiating” the problem, or your partner’s reaction, by initiating the conversation (unless you tried to have the talk in the first couple of weeks of dating someone, in which case you really gave them little other option to respond!). A commitment-phobe is a commitment-phobe. If you’ve been with this person long enough to know that you’re committed to the relationship, then they’ve almost certainly had plenty of time to figure out where they’re at, too. What I’m saying is this: there is little to be gained from delaying this conversation (again, unless you’re still in the really early days of a relationship). There is no point in wasting your time hanging around, waiting for your partner to wake up and realize how fabulous you are. Remember, you can’t force anyone to feel anything for you that they wouldn’t do on their own – so if your partner’s uncertain about their feelings for you, there is nothing you could have done to change their mind or heart. So don’t waste your time or energy in trying to convince them that you’re right for each other - firstly, because you can’t (it’s as simple as that); and secondly, because there are too many people out there right now, wondering when they’ll get to meet someone just like you!

“You can’t force anyone to feel anything for you”


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Afterword I hope this book has been of use to you. The issue of commitment is a huge and complicated one – there are so many varieties on the question, “How can I get my partner to be more committed to me?” that I can’t even begin to address them all individually. The thing is, they all boil down to essentially the same question, and there’s only one answer to that question. You cannot hope to get anybody to truly commit to you if you’re not honest. You need to be honest with yourself, about what you’re feeling and thinking; and you need to be honest with your partner, too, and convey to them your personal truths. If you’re not honest, and you allow communication to lapse, that is the closest thing to a guarantee that I can think of that the commitment levels in your relationship will nosedive. Fortunately, the converse is also true: the best recipe there is for a positive, loving, healthy, balance, mutually committed relationship is communication. \ It’s as simple as that. So start working on your communication with your partner. You don’t have to bite off more than you can chew: remember to break it down for them into small, bite-sized chunks of truthfulness. You can start by telling them that you’d like to start working on improving the communication between the two of you, and asking them how they would feel about taking part in that.

“You cannot hope to get anybody to truly commit to you if you’re not honest.”


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That’s all it is. There’s no trick to it. Building a fantastic relationship is as easy as saying, “This is how I feel. How do you feel about that?” So give it a shot. See what you can build out of that one simple phrase. I think you may be pleasantly surprised!

Mia Summers


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From First Dates to Soul Mates If you are someone either in a relationship or contemplating a relationship where you want to move to the next level of commitment, chances are the road to success is pitted with its fair share of frustrations and setbacks. You have seen it happen in the movies. You may have seen it happen with friends. They meet a guy or a gal, fall in love, move in together, get engaged, and seem to live happily ever after. They make it look so easy, and make the elusiveness of real love in your life almost seem a myth! Why then is it so hard for you to have a committed relationship? When is it going to be your turn to live the dream? Now everyone has a theory when it comes to commitment. Some say you should never use the “L” word until the other person does. Others say you should cancel a date every so often to show your partner that you aren’t always available. Others still say you should become close friends with their friends and family, so it’s almost impossible to separate you from their life. With all these mixed messages, what do we know is correct? What do we know will work? Should we call her back the day after the date? Should we flirt with his friends to make him jealous and possessive? Should we fake an illness or a personal crisis to see if he will come and rescue you, and make him see how much he treasures and loves you? How do you take your relationship from first date to soul mate? That’s where Meet Your Sweet’s latest book can help provide some definitive answers. It’s called “From First Dates To Soul Mates: How to Take Things To the Next Level of Commitment without Screwing It Up!” Author Amy Waterman recognizes the power of people’s opinions in finding the best way to take things to the next level and create a committed relationship, and it sidesteps the game playing, manipulation, and emotional trickery that many people believe is necessary to get your man or woman to commit to you. Commitment isn’t something that should be forced. Similarly, commitment isn’t something that only one person can create. True commitment, the type that leads to deep and lasting relationships, is something that must come naturally, is completely non-manipulative, and is effortless. All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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Real commitment is much more than a promise to take it to the next level. It’s much more than a promise to move in together. It’s much more even than a wedding ring, or a public declaration that they love you and want to be with you forever. It’s a natural feeling that can’t be mimicked, and something much deeper than simple hollow words. Devotion is not an action; it’s an unthinking feeling that wells from within. According to Amy, the commitment you are seeking, the type that lasting relationships are founded on, “..is a natural emotional response to being in a relationship that just plain feels GREAT.” So how do you create the “right” environment for the relationship to naturally flourish to the point of natural, meaningful, deeper commitment? By a range of different tips, techniques, and insightful perspectives, all laid out neatly and logically, in an easy-to-use format by the talented writers at Meet Your Sweet. Whether it’s understanding the biological basis of commitment, the setting of realistic expectations, knowing how a committed relationship grows, knowing the 6 stages of commitment, or the transition from dating to a relationship, Amy has readers absorbed from the first sentence. No matter if you are starting a new relationship, are making the transition from dating to exclusivity, or moving from a relationship to a long-term commitment, Amy has pertinent advice that is going to help you create a relationship environment and dynamic that is going to take you from strength to strength, Do you know the 5 Elements of Attraction? Do you know what you can expect from a committed partner? Do you understand what a partner can expect from you/ What does commitment mean to you? And if that’s not enough, Amy helps readers take the material off the page and into their everyday lives through a series of useful and thought-provoking exercises. Ever wondered how great all this looks in theory but don’t understand All Rights Reserved (c) 2008 MeetYourSweet.com

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how it applies to you and your relationship? Take one or all of the exercises outlined in this weighty guide to start making some real changes in your life. Relationships are never easy, and in most cases it feels as though we are flying blind. Put an end to the guesswork of understanding your relationships and find out concrete techniques and methods to take the relationship forward, in a way that commitment comes naturally, motivation-free, and effortlessly. “From First Dates To Soul Mates.” Keep an eye out for it by visiting Meet Your Sweet’s web page at: http://www.meetyoursweet.com/commitment


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Double Commitment

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